#this may have been healing for me but thats not for everyone <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[celestialtarot11]

Your Next Romantic Partner 💘🍻🤍 What are they like?

Hi friends!! I got a new deck (3 actually) and the cards are gorgeous 😍 I’m absolutely in love with them. Hoping to post on youtube sometime soon! Let me know your feedback on this reading and do enjoy 👀 its spicy up in here. Pick a pile below! 💘💍

Pile 1 💘💍: Hi pile 1’s! This person is ready to go and ready to show you their hot side. They are passionate, driven, talented and multifaceted. Very skilled! And may like writing, film making, or be a social media influencer. This person comes across shocking, bold, daunting and charismatic. They love a good challenge. Many people may have gossiped and spread rumors but it does not stop this person from carrying on 💅🏻 this person may do a lot of self reflection which is not something people usually think of them. They have a serious and diplomatic side to them that is surprising to see. This person is quick to cut people off if the vibes are off, and they are quick to see beyond what people don’t see. Meaning they’re fast at seeing through the ego. They themselves may have an ego issue that they are working through as well, and they don’t like it when people see this reflective diplomatic side to them. They think it should be reserved for those special only. It’s a side of them that is serious and thinks about life, reflecting on the cosmos and what’s out there. This person has the tendency to hide due to egotistical issues, and they know this. They are working through seeing their bullshit to be better for others and themselves. I heard “who said I can’t have fun while I do this?” 💅🏻 this person wants to have fun as they are healing! ❤️‍🩹 A lot of people could surround this person so seeing them with you would be surprising, depending on what kind of group they are around they could project and gossip, or welcome you with loving arms. This person knows people want them, but they don’t want everyone 💅🏻😤 this person is such a girlboss but obviously doesn’t need to be a girl 🤣 Anyway pile 1’s! Thats what I have for you 🤍💅🏻 don’t be surprised if you catch yourself staring at this person constantly! Your picture below —>

Pile 2 🙌🍻: Hey lovely pile 2’s! Welcome! 🤗🙌 Your person could be someone you once knew in the past. This person wants to come into your life but honestly I see that this person has a lot of emotional maturing to do. They’ve been hurt tremendously in the past, and this is true if this is a new person. This past and new person are afraid to open up, so they want to take it slow and be cautious. They are quick to leave if conflict happens, they seem flighty and confused. This person does not have malicious intentions, they are like a deer in headlights ❤️‍🩹 due to their past they feel the pain can happen any moment. But this past person has a lot to overcome when it comes to self sabotage, and with you they feel they want to try and work it out. It will take time and patience for them to calm down and release their past. This person could already stalk your social media. For those who do not resonate with this being a past person, this person observes everything you do out of fear they’ll get hurt. And they may try to play it off that they aren’t afraid but deep down you know its not true. Lots of nonchalance and guarding here. It takes a long time to bring down those walls, and effort. This person is scared deep down of abandonment, so they may reenact cycles of it. Either way, there’s a lot of self sabotage here and pile 2’s you do not have to parent this person. It is their job to heal and liberate themselves from their past ❤️‍🩹 if you are in the process of releasing this person that’s your decision and stand by it. Please take care pile 2’s and know your worth 🤗❤️‍🩹 Your picture below —>

Pile 3 💪💘: Hi pile 3’s! Looks like some of ya’ll are getting asked out by someone who appears shy. This person may try to play it cool or be skittish, but they are a romantic at heart. And they love a good passionate romance. They love to play loud music, dance, maybe play the electronic guitar. Its their vibe. They come across as a rock, but they are like fire underneath for you. You move this person in a completely different way, they’re more in tune with their heart and something else…🍆 this is 18+ which this reading is not! But they definitely have a lot of that going on. They want to ask you out and they think they’re all cool and chill, its so funny because they’ll act nonchalant, and then maybe they trip or something and get flustered. Thats the energy I get. But this person is also brave and takes risks. This person has so much to tell you and say to you, and they can’t wait to get it out. They want you to know. And they will tell you! If this is someone you know, they will reach out soon. They want you in their life, and they want to play it cool. Honestly they know its a facade and they know it’ll drop, but for the plot they want to keep it cool 🤣 this person is such a vibe and most likely will send you memes and shitposts for fun. They do enjoy spending time with you though and at some point they want to share their feelings and fears, but it will take intimacy to get there. Lots of time and effort. This person wants a hearty connection with laughter and eccentricity. Thats who they are, and they want that in return. Thank you for reading pile 3’s!! This was so cool and hope to see you around 🤗🤍 Your picture below—>

Thank ya’ll for reading and hope you enjoyed 🤗💅🏻 likes comments and reblogs always appreciated! If you ever want to check out my youtube channel I would appreciate it 💗 and if you ever want to leave a tip at $celestialtarot on cashapp its greatly appreciated 🤗💗

Book a reading with me here 🤍

Check out my youtube channel 🥹💘

[heerinnie]

𝐓𝐫𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐬

𝐏.𝐉𝐒

SYNOPSIS: Long term lovers, long term friends. Nothing and no one could come in between you and Jay other than your fear of intimacy.

WARNINGS: tooth-rotting fluff and smut, bf!jay x inexperienced fem!reader, reader has a fear of intimacy, implied s/a (not graphic), soft!Jay (he’s so sweet in this I cried a little when writing, making out, dry humping, mentions of oral (f!), Jay’s experienced but his body count’s like 2, blasphemy, written with the song Training Wheels by Melanie Martinez in mind

A/N: This is very very self-indulgent, writing is a way i cope with my experience in these situations so I feel like I healed a little part of me by acknowledging it happened and it wasn’t my fault, instead I’m turning it into something comforting. This works for me and for some others however i recognise that it may be triggering for others even if there aren’t any graphic mentions of s/a only the aftermath, please only read this if you’re in the right headspace. Any disrespectful comment will be deleted and blocked from my account 🤍

WC: 1274

^^ NSFW UNDER CUT, MINORS DNI (not proofread)

It all happened so quickly and yet you were still stuck here, still scarred 2 almost 3 years in the past. Time doesn’t heal wounds, physical ones? Yes but this feeling you could never shake off even if you tried your hardest, you couldn’t heal especially not alone.

You weren’t the an overly religious person, definitely not after your trust was broken. If there was a god well they’re a dick, if god was real why did you get hurt? You didn’t do anything wrong you were so kind…so bright until a shadow blew your flame away and forced you to live in a chamber of your own inner darkness. It was not your fault, you didn’t do anything you were just there...

That flame grew smaller and smaller until it suddenly disappeared and all that was left was a trail of smoke showing that at some point in time you were burning and warming everyone’s hearts whilst yours was barley flickering trying so hard to stay alight.

So many things changed with Jay's re-entry into your life, everything seemed to change directions and you felt like there was a purpose for your existence. Despite the lingering pain and heartache thats been consuming you, his presence felt like a much needed breath of fresh air. It was as if he had come to you as a guardian angel pulling you out of the misery you were dwelling in. He gave you the comfort that you didn't even know you needed until he appeared. The one which eased the damages of your heart.

“I think I'm ready” You've told him this so many times that you're starting to feel guilty for giving him this false hope. You know you've pulled back on your words before, so you understand why he may be sceptical. However, this time is different. You've taken the time to reflect on your feelings and you're sure that you're finally ready. You want to show Jay that you're committed and prepared to take the next step in your intimacy and you're willing to put in the effort to make it happen.

He obviously had some doubts however, he took the time to affirm that you were genuinely ready and that you wouldn't have any regrets. He's always so patient and understanding which is not surprising considering that he has always been your best friend before he even had the privilege of calling himself your boyfriend. Someone who understands you better than anyone else, your soulmate in all and every way.

Your relationship with him is built on trust, understanding and respect and it was so scary, you've never been treated so well before Jay and it showed but he was patient with the time it took time to get used him.

“I’m 100% sure” you got up and sat on his lap. You were fine and it felt right, this time you were in control of the situation and you weren’t uncomfortable with the feeling of sitting crotch to crotch with your boyfriend.

It felt like there was a force pulling your lips toward his as you leaned in to connect with each other and in an instant, you felt a rush of intense emotions overwhelm you. Your pupils dilated and your heartbeat quickened as it was trying to catch up with the sudden flood of feelings. It was a moment of pure realization- this was what true love felt like, and now you knew it with absolute confidence.

You weren't Jay’s first but at this moment he felt like you were, he had like two quick fucks with past short term girlfriends but this time it felt different. His heart was running laps and it was like all the air in his lungs disappeared as soon as your plush lips met his. He mentally cursed himself for growing hard already but in his defence, he had the most beautiful girl on his lap making out with him and as much as it made him nervous he couldn't help but get aroused when you started slowly grinding on his bulge to set the mood.

Your lungs were beginning to burn from the lack of oxygen as the room was filled with loud and wet noises of lips smacking, what started off as a passionate slow kiss quickly turned into a deeply heated make out session. Tongues dancing in an animalistic rhythm, hands travelling anywhere they could- you finally unlocked another level of intimacy with your boyfriend.

As you reflect on the situation you're in right now you can't help but feel an overwhelming sense of joy and gratitude. You think back to all the moments you've shared together, from the first time you met to the night you opened up to him about your trauma. The thought that someone like Jay could choose to be with you fills you with so much happiness and you can't help but break into a fit of giggles at the sheer joy of it all. It's a feeling that's difficult to describe, but you know that you're grateful for every moment you get to spend with him.

Your hips moved faster as a result of the friction you felt, you moaned when it sent shocks of pleasure straight to your core and down your spine. When you adjusted to a better angle jays grip on your hips tightened, he let out a soft moan that sounded like music to your ears. You felt his soft palm touch your cheek signalling to look at him and once your eyes met he couldn’t control his body as he started thrusting in his hips into you.

Nearing closer and closer to your climax your head starting spinning when Jay let out moans and groans whereas you couldn’t keep even the smallest noises of pleasure within yourself, you noticed a tiny bead of sweat forming at the top of his sun-kissed skin. It was already a hot day but the way he was thrusting and you were grinding felt like the heating went up covering you in sweat. As you watched his face contort with pleasure you couldn't help but think that you had never seen a man this beautiful, both inside and out. His broad shoulders flexed to keep up with the movement of his hips and placement of his hands on your stuttering body, his chiseled features were accentuated by the dimmed living room light highlighting the sweat that trickled down his face. Despite the heat, he remained focused, determined to give you the best he could at the moment trying to leaving a lasting impression to say that sex isn’t as scary when it’s with the love of your life and you couldn't help but admire him for wanting to give you it all.

With all that work you finally felt your orgasm hit with jay’s quickly following after. You stayed laying on him ignoring the uncomfortable wetness on your panties as your blown out pupils stared off onto the empty space on the couch next to where you two rested,

“That felt amazing” you hummed agreeing with your boyfriend, “but if you’re up for it I can show you how good it can really feel” he purred, you felt his cock hardening again with the way you were spread out on him. In a span of seconds you two ran towards your shared bedroom preparing for a long night of what pleasure with your loved one really feels like starting off strong with jay devouring your pussy for the first time as an apology for the lack of dirty talk and foreplay he didn’t do before.

A/N: I’m not really happy with the ‘smut’ I rushed it and I think you can tell 😭 I haven’t posted in forever so this is a little filler for my hee fic that’s like 3/4 done (currently like 4K words idk 🤷🏽‍♀️) but I hope you guys enjoyed this little treat <3

[animalsalvationassociation]

Has anything serious happened to Director Scratch? Like her getting kidnapped, hurt, falling ill, attempted life, etc.

(This is a back up one just incase my other one got deleted.... it tends to happen a lot.)

[ DO NOT REPOST, ALL ART & CONCEPTS WERE MADE BY ME ]

Illustration Time: 8hrs 49min

BEAVENS TO HETSY—YA’LL HOW THE FUDGE DO I HAVE A 100+ FOLLOWERS ALREADY????? I AM SO EMOTIONAL RN IT’S NOT EVEN FUNNY. IMMA GO CRY NOW GEEZ!!! (Go check out the 100 Goal poll before it ends. I’ve decided to wait the 3-4 days that it has left on there before I make anything, just to make sure everyone got a chance vote)

Thank you for you patience @kuri-kushmi ! I know you were really excited for this one, I hope I did our lovely Peggy justice!

Notes:

Yo is that young Inkling???? Whaaaaa????

Had a mutual threatened me when I sent a pic of Peggy crying. They were about to throw down, but its okay Peggy has tissues now. Her trauma is forever healed because of good vibes . . . yep thats how that works :)

I also wanted to preface this just in case I had any other asks that may be similar. Just because it hasn’t happened before doesn’t mean it won’t happen in the future. The story has yet to be completely written so there is plenty of room for extra stuff to be added. I literally don’t even have a chapter written out . . . we’re working on it . . . maybe . . . I’m trying but my brain doesn’t want to brain! (stupid ADHD) I’ve been doing this for almost 12 years why can’t I writeeeeeee???

I should not have adult money . . . no I will not explain ur welcome

[ This is a Octonauts AU, in no way is this canon to the OG storyline. ]

[mediumgayitalian]

fic rec friday 3

hi!! welcome to fic rec friday. every week, i pick five fics i have bookmarked and rec them with a little review. check them out!

Memories Made by zjass06

"Hi! I'm Will! You're my new neighbour!" the blonde boy beams; Nico frowns in turn, peering curiously at this Will. "My ma' says not to talk to strangers," Nico replies as he sits himself upon the grass. Will plops himself down next to the dark haired boy, who giggles so purely it makes his smile contagious. "I'm not a stranger, I'm your neighbour! You live next to me now and we can be friends!" Or A few snippets of Nico’s life and how his friendship develops with Will, all within a much treasured treehouse.

childhood friends to lovers will ALWAYS be elite. to me. and the centrality of this treehouse in this fic is so fucking cute bc they absolutely are the type of nerds to have a treehouse they use well into their late teens lol

2. Mafia by @buoyantsaturn

Nico is the most terrifying mob boss in New York, and Will is his live-in doctor. A Mafia Au

MY FAVE SOLANGELO SERIES TBH. like is it toxic a little bit? yeah. did the second one make me squeamish? yeah. in the 6/7 years since its been posted, have i read it literally DOZENS of times?? you betcha. idk man theres something about the danger of it all. the insane mob boss and the doctor hes whipped for. SO SO much fun and so so so romantic

3. you stormed into the battlefield (of my heart) by fedyaism

“Doctor Solace,” he says, “would you be willing to tend to a foe?” Will blinks. (He had practically expected everything but this.) “I’m sorry?” “I need you to heal an enemy for me. Can you do that?” Grace asks in a tone that lets Will know that he wasn’t really asking. “An… an enemy, sir?” “Yes. I will send him to you.” “Of course, General.” (What else could he say?)

this ends ambiguously but i am Choosing to believe they find each other again and live happily ever after for ever and ever bc im a weenie. its just...man fuck the military and i got no fondness for war BUT this isnt real and ergo i can sigh dreamily at love that is inherently kind of tragic and all the more desperately beautiful for you, yknow??

4. It's a Process by @oh-hush-its-perfect

When Nico comes out to Hazel, she really isn't sure how to react. Of course, she loves her brother to pieces, but something is holding her back. It takes a while to get over old beliefs. It takes a while to become accepting. It takes Hazel a while indeed. A.K.A. Nico is gay and Hazel can't wrap her head around it.

contrary to what the summary may lead you to believe, hazel is NOT at all homophobic in this fic. in fact her number one goal at all times is to be supportive, even as she struggles, and you know what? thats more important i think. her love for her brother is so transparently obvious in this one, she spends like 8k words doing everything she can to make SURE she is loving and accepting!!! hazel i love you. also the campfire scene had me giggling fr

5. three times everyone thought they hated each other by lizamarri

and the one time everyone realized they didn't ~ ft. capture the flag, big three kids sparring, will healing nico and being sassy about it, and more. enjoy!

NOTHING hits as hard as flirt fighting. truly nothing. also 3+1s are my weakness i stg, theres just something about outside pov and the sheer clarity of how much they love each other and love driving each other up the wall lmfao

thank you for joining me this friday!! happy reading!!

[seraphofthesimps]

Dazai x [gender neutral] Reader

TW: idk how to describe this. Warm laced with a bit of sadness? Mentions of a character’s canon death.

“You were wrong, you know.”

Dazai’s head leans back against the all too familiar headstone. A soft sigh escapes with a lazy smile that naturally follows nowadays as he takes in the feel of the cement against him. It’s not as cold as it once was, he thinks to himself. If anyone were to ask him, he would say it isn’t coincidence. Thoughts of you take over his senses, and he gets lost in thought, forgetting for only a moment why he’s here.

“Ah, thats right…”

Reaching into his pocket, eyes closed, he finds it. A small envelope, now dancing between his fingertips in the light breeze. The feel of the paper, he notes, is bittersweet. In his left hand, the luxurious feel of the embossed envelope reminds him of the better days present, the better days to come. At the same time, it reestablishes the fading ties you have worked so hard this past year to disintegrate. The last bit of his loneliness can be felt when he focuses on the intention laced up on the paper inside.

“3 months from now, it will be official. Everyone will witness what I already know. You can feel it too, can’t you Odasaku?”

Dazai suspects his friend would have caught on before he himself knew what had happened. It’s funny looking back now. Realizing how juvenile it was to think that the moment the hole in his heart would truly beat for the first time would be world stopping, all knowing, painting vivid color to his dull and worn down life instantaneously.

“I believed you when you said I would never fill that void. Now it all makes sense. Neither of us really knew what we were looking for, did we? It’s hard to spot what you’ve never seen. We thought we knew true happiness, but we only experienced it second-hand through the eyes of the lucky ones surrounding us.”

The page didn’t fill with neons or pastels. There was no sudden warmth from the sun shining above or the sounds of birds chirping merrily all around him. Instead, when Dazai fell in love with you he stumbled, and tripped. Before he knew it he decided to take a look back and realized the pages had already been painted for a long time. All he needed to do was acknowledge it.

So that he did. Without another thought he quickly bought a ring. Seemingly fearless, he took life back into his hands, but that was far from the truth. In reality, that was the first time Dazai ever truly was scared, and he wasn’t taking taking life into his hands. Rather, he was placing his life into yours.

“Well, Buddy. I can’t stay here all day. I took your advice and became one of the good guys. Unfortunately that comes with loads of paperwork and Fukuzawa may actually murder me if I don’t show up to today’s investigation.”

Stretching dramatically one last time, he tries to convince himself he can feel his presence in the flesh. A desperate last thought to heal the only scar on his heart you were unable to mend. He exhaled another sigh and stands to his feet. Dropping the envelope against the name on the grave, he concludes his habitual check in. Up ahead, Dazai can see you rocking on your heels, excitedly waving to him. He doesn’t plan to make you wait for him any longer so one last glance is thrown over his shoulder, signaling goodbye to his old friend, and the old him.

“You’re invited, Odasaku.”

[miquella-everywhere]

I’m not thrilled with some elements of the DLC lore either (it shoulda been Godwyn!), but this blog reads like a cry for help, and I’m concerned. You may want to ask yourself if you want to continue tying your mental health and happiness to a fictional character. If engaging with a game or fandom brings you such intense, consistent misery, it may not be good for you to continue doing so. Ultimately, none of us can control the story’s writing or reception, and continuing to agonize over things that you can’t change is a road to madness.

Wishing for positive mental health outcomes for everyone affected by this DLC.

imo i view my blog and anti dlc rants as a sort of diary and me ranting is a way to get all these negative feelings and energy out, and i honestly think that this is way healthier than letting it stew and fester in my brain

i know how my dumb autistic brain works, and it sucks, but when i get really attached to something and then something bad/unexpected happens it like messes with me

like i understand where you're coming from completely, but my brain is wired in such a way that my rejection sensitivity/obsession extends to my goddamn anime favs 😭 and it sucks 😭

and ngl

my reactions to everything involving miq have actually been pretty goddamn tame compared to some of the other things my brain has gotten worked up over throughout my life lol

and i honestly think i have the blog and writing my thoughts and interacting with like-minded people to thank for that

(and for the most part i try to not tag my takes, tho sometimes i think i have good takes that should be shared, but most of the time i treat my takes as like journal entries)

so like i get what you're saying anon but at the same time, this is a part of my healing process

with the way my brain works i literally cannot drop ER and Míquella so easily/cold turkey. despite the bullshit i still love Míquella and thats what makes it so painful and an even harder time to move on from

but itll happen eventually, just takes time, and it helps to write down and process all the bad feelings akdhdh

Bottomline is that if youre following me then you know exactly what ur in for and likely feel the same basically lol

but thank you for your concern anon i promise you i will be fine <3

[wrongcaitlyn]

very random question but what do you think is "THE" nico lyric in tyt? like, the one that would go trending in those tiktoks that are just someone lying down sad or stuff (idk if im explaining myself, i mean like this) or like the lyric 90% of angels have tattooed?

also i need you to know that my mind has been occupied w the idea of sadie, alex and nico winning best new artist, best alt album and aoty at the same grammys awards (graveyard, tgw and alex fierro would all be released in time for the same grammys, right? idk im so bad w this stuff) for the past week. (i feel bad for thinking abt nico on a grammys setting but hey he mentioned assisting on chapter 18 and i need him to have a healing positive experience /nf)

OKAY OKAY SO SORRY THAT THIS TOOK SO LONG TO RESPOND BC I HAD TO PROPERLY THINK ABOUT IT THIS IS IMPORTANT

my first instinctual thought is "always an angel, never a god" which i do think is definitely one of THE lyrics. like. everyone knows it. it's everything to the fandom. it's everything to nico. i honestly think that lyric sums up nico's lyricism in general so well like??

but that was only recently released, so im gonna choose a lyric from each album,,, just bc i can

for haunted, the forever underrated album, i think it'd either have to be from long sleeves, the fandom favorite, or for symbolism, "i'm your ghost right now your house is haunted" from i know it won't work. for long sleeves i think it's less so of a standout lyric, more just a standout song, but also "it's been a long time coming" just fits a lot of different scenarios... very healing acceptance sorta vibes

then from doomsday, i don't think there's necessarily a lyric that i feel like a lot of people would get tattooed, but i DO think that this is me trying is like. THE song from that album. i think it's just such an easy song to resonate with, especially in nico's depressed as hell fandom. so this one is less so they have a tattoo of it and more so they have a wallpaper with the quote "i've been having a hard time adjusting, had the shiniest wheels now they're rusting" bc yk that'll always hit hard. and also "you're a flashback in a film reel" which is soooooo

then for future albums... no spoilers okay but im just gonna count them in my head. 2 from nda4. 1 from nda5. 3 from nda6. 6 from nda7.

but final final answer: always an angel, never a god

(also this has me cackling thinking about people who may have gotten tattoos in relation to apollo in the past, and he's just like. wiping all of that from existence. well not LITERALLY but like he's making it very very clear that anyone who supports all his old music is a shithead and so you've got old fans being like shit shit shit)

and then OH MY GOD??sdLFKJSDF THAT WOULD BE SO FUN AGHHSDFJSD you have actually just made me realize that. yes. they will be in the same eligibility period... for some reason i was convinced that graveyard was a year before tgw and alex's self-titled so that's like... WOAH. THEY'RE ACTUALLY COMING SO SOON?? i write down these dates in my outline and im like haha yea that's months away and then like. its actually coming soon. anyway im not entirely sure if alex's will make the cut (as in, i think i may have been planning on him releasing it in fall of 2020, which would be past the eligibility period,,,, but then the thought of them all being nominated for stuff..... god thats so excitingskdljf)

unfortunately i do have some plans for like which albums/people will be winning things, HOWEVER... i will definitely be excited to write the 2021 grammys bc. grammys shenanigans with the iconic trio. love them sm.

[sirenofthegreenbanks]

🐝🪳🪰

henlo!! (bops you on the nose) thank you for these great questions! im overflowing with fics i nEED to rec!!!!!!!!!!!!! (i realized all of these fics are longfics and that u may not necessarily enjoy reading those; feel welcome to drop me the same bugs in my inbox and ill do a short version for you <3)

🐝 recommend a fic with great symbolism, or themes, something really clever, or, like. just something you could write a whole literary essay about!!!

there are honestly so many fics i could write a literary essay about so im restraining myself to the first option

within us an orchard by mintyfish (guckindieluft). QY, WOH, pre-canon/canon divergence, wenzhou, tian chuang era, secret garden-esque, grief/mourning, identity shenanigans, injury tending, murder husbands, M. zhou zishu, leader of tianchuang, enlists the mysterious intruder he caught in the middle of stealing into his manor to garden work. while they heal his miserable excuse of an inner courtyard garden, zhou zishu also finds his will to live.

something something nature, grief, intersections:

By month's end, the north-facing branches of the plum tree were as black and twisted as the half-consumed wreckage of a house fire. If he stood on his roof, Zhou Zishu could see the flecks of budding plum trees painted across the city. His might just be slower—but a hard dark certainty had taken up residence in his gut. It wasn't going to bloom. In a week, Zhou Zishu would drive the second nail into his meridians.

Wen Kexing's approving little nods couldn't mask what was surely now obvious to both of them: Zhou Zishu had created a killing jar. Was it really so surprising that everything in it was dying?

But then, the book said—fire. Really, of all the things Zhou Zishu had done in the garden these weeks, treating the plum tree should have been the most familiar: cut down what must be cut down, cauterise what might be saved, and burn out the rot before it could spread. Court factions, families, trees—contain them or kill them, the tools were the same. Whether the tree would survive, the book could not tell him.

🪰 recommend a fic that makes you sad (in the best way!!)! Some great angst and/or hurt/comfort!

ripple by notoneoftheheroes. QY, WOH, pre-canon/canon divergence, wenzhou, alternative version of events, identity shenanigans, happy end, whump, angst, siji manour, M. a trick allows zhou zishu to move his sect back to the jianghu, (almost!) out from under the thump of the crown prince. but his sect, the family of his choosing, gets more and more dissatisfied with the choices zhou zishu makes to maintain that delicate balance and ensure their survival, and things start to tighten around zhou zishu‘s throat. will he lose everyone he loves? zhou zishu is an unreliable narrator in this one, and as things get worse and worse with the sect members he views as his family here, you can watch as each side makes terrible choices that lead them almost to a terrible end.

the two headed dragon by lisbeth_laufeyson. WOH alternative canon universe, childhood friends to lovers, angst, grief/mourning, manipulation, optimistic but open end*, E. out of the shadow, someone wants siji manour ill. things take a turn for the worse when wen kexing himself, one of the two leaders of tianchuang, gets fatally wounded and almost dies. over the course of his long coma, zhou zishu is vulnerable and falls into dark waters while trying to save his sect. this fic really examines zhou zishu‘s potential for committing atrocities, caused by his desire to do good and stoked by someone he trusts but shouldnt. you know who is behind it, thats not a spoiler, but they dont, and it hangs over the story like a dark cloud. this fic comes with a major character death tag! as with the last chapter that is not up to date anymore! there is a sequel! *important edit for clarification: its a bad ending! the only thing that could inspire u to be optimistic about it is that the person u think is dead turns out to not be dead!

🪳 recommend a great AU!

in a city sorrow built by wearealltalesintheend. WOH pre/canon divergence/alternative universe, family of choice, grief/mourning, fluff, T. the ghost valley is no place for a child, and thus wen kexing grows up on top of a mountain with an old monster, a goofy swordsmith, and a grieving old lady. yet, he clutches that glooming coal of rage and sorrow close to his chest, and decades later his revenge unfolds. i loved this so much for how it changes basically everything about wen kexing‘s backstory, and thus creates this alternative universe in which wen kexing Has It Better, but manages to examine how in the end it only marginally makes an impact on his desire for revenge and chaos. i loved the different faces of mourning and grief and how here, even more people join the collection of loved ones wen kexing loses. only now he truly isnt alone in his grief and he‘s arguably better emotionally prepared for it. this is a wip!

bug me for fic recs!!!!! do it!!!!!!!!

[moon-quq]

Dabi x Fem!Reader : P1

Depending on popularity of this one I'll post P2, like I did with my Loki fic, but for now here's for my Dabi sluts <3 Note: this doesn't follow actual mha works or timestamps, so don't get angy at me

Warnings : Slow burn, kinda sad ngl

" Touyaa!! Give it back- This is the second time you've taken it from me! " You screeched, stomping the ground while glaring up at Touya Todoroki, your best friend in the world. " Oh cmon! I know you can get it! " He snickered, placing his hand as high as he could while watching you jump to try and grab your toy. Eventually he caved and handed it back while grinning. " You're a meanie for that. " You huffed, holding the toy tightly too you while he ruffled your hair and replied. " But I'm your meanie pipsqueak. " This made you smile with utmost happiness.

TimeSkip : 18 Years Later ➜

Your alarm blared loudly off beside you but,, you didn't dare move, just layed face down in your pillow wishing the day would fuck off again but alas.. it did not so eventually you drug yourself out of bed and towards the bathroom to get ready for work. " Y/N you're late again. " Shit. You were late by 20 mins this time. " I'm sorry Enji.. I didn't hear my clock in time, this week has been pretty rough. " You muttered, grabbing your coffee while walking past the big burly dude. It had been years now since Touya disappeared and this week marks yet another off the calendar. Enji of course refuses to have any acknowledgment of it, maybe it's too painful for him.

There was another villain group sitting in the city today, leaving everyone on high alert that they may end up trying something, but of course everything stayed queit all day until evening where there was reports of blue flames appearing near the high school which caused every goody two shoes in radius to flock there as fast as possible. You were there first due to your quirk but looking back on it now, you wished you were last. The entire woods beside the school was on fire, burning in bright blue flames.. And right in the middle was some guy in a long coat with burn scars and black hair. " Hey! Stop right there! " You called loudly, looking around slightly to scope your surroundings before back at the male who now turned to face you giving you a look at his face and you thought you'd faint.. He looked like Touya, but also didn't.. His eyes were Touyas.. But his hair and skin looked nothing like the boy you once knew, no he was dead.

By the time you knew it, you did infact actually fucking faint,, now slowly waking up in a hospital wing you groaned from the pounding in your head.. the familiar old lady waddling in to smile up at you. " You havent been sleeping well have you dear? " She asked quietly, causing you to shake your head no and lay back down. " Too many nightmares again. " She only clicked her tongue and pulled your blanket over you while beginning to speak again. " Maybe getting some new friends would help you get over the feeling.. I see you every year during this time, and it's no wound I can heal. Only you can. " You knew she was right but you also were terrified if you let the memories of your Touya go,, he would be forgotten forever.

TimeSkip : A week later ➜

Ever since that day in the woods you'd been stuck thinking,, wondering if that was infact Touya.. and the longer you thought on it, the more invested you became until the point you caved and decided to go against your every promise and try and find the league thats plagued the city for months now.

First you began at the local corners where gangs hung out, making sure to pull your hood over your head enough to not be noticed but,, the blue flame boy was nowhere to be found, so you decided to check any other shady areas you could think of.. to yet again, no avail. And by the time you called quits it was already midnight.. But you felt the most defeated you'd ever been in a long, long time so of course your body made a b-line for a nearby bar that was mostly empty, now stepping inside to see a handful of people around the place. A shadow like man behind the bar greeted you in almost a confused way. " Hello Miss, what can I get for you tonight? " You noted that his voice was slightly anamatronic while speaking, maybe he was just nervous.. The other people around looked like normals, teens with no life or adults wanting to drink their life away. " Whatever is the strongest. " you replied while scooting into a stool at the bar to be comfy while you wait. " Is she that hero who fainted during the villain fight??? " You heard someone speaking behind you which caused your eye to twitch,, fucking paparazzi caught you fainting in the middle of the flames on camera.. and you were not exempt from Enji yelling at you and forcing you to be a desk worker instead of in the field. " She shouldn't be a hero if she's going to collapse in the middle of a fight, pathetic. " And that, one snide comment is what hit you over the edge, now shooting the shot you were given before turning around. " If you have shit to say you can say it to my face instead of gossiping about someone else's life you ungrateful fucking cunts. " You spat, glaring towards the back corner full of teen girls who stared at you in disbelief of what you had just said.

" What seems to be going on down here? " A low cold voice called while stepping down the stairs towards the back, the girls instantly fangirling while looking at whoever it was.. Except when he came into your view you froze, and so did he. " Get out, all of you. " He spat, glaring at the girls before back at you.. But like most girls they didn't listen the first time. " I won't tell you again, get out. " And with that final boom they finally stood up and left, along with everyone else who was a bystander. " Touya.. " You whispered, staring at him for a moment longer before darkness yet again covered your vision and you collapsed to the ground.

Sometime later,, you didn't know how long as your phone and watch were gone, as was your keys and whatever else you had on you. You were still in the bar, just looked like a more run down exact copy of the one you were just in. " Hello? " You called out, groaning at the pang in your head as you sat up fully. " You aren't supposed to be here Y/N. " Someone in the distance called while another giggled. " So this is that childhood chick you always talk about huh? " And then another more strained voice croaked. " She's a hero and knows him, she's bad news to even be here. We have to get rid of her. " And with that your fear piped up, now panicking while looking towards the voices which instantly made your blood run cold, you were infact infront of the entire league of villians. " No! You cannot kill her, I won't let you. " The one you believed was Touya now stepped infront of you, glaring at the other members who stared back. " You would keep our greatest risk alive.. all because of a childhood fling?! I think I'm starting to question your loyalty Dabi.. " The man who looked mostly dead seethed, but you were too focused on the name Dabi.. He was one of the main villains you were trying desperately to catch. And here he was, right infront of you.." I'll keep her. I'll train her not to say anything, I'll break her to be nothing but a loyal dog. " He spat back, this wasn't Touya.. this wasn't the boy you loved, this was some cold demon who just threatened to turn you into a slave.. However, the man who seemed to be the leader only hummed and nodded, looking away now whilst Touya turned to grab you by the shirt and pull you along towards the stairs. " Cmon doll, we got some fun to be had. "

[fanfictiongirlie]

Twilight: Jacob Black's Daughter Chapter Seven

Parings: Seth Clearwater x OC

Description: Jacob Black had a daughter, he didn't know until she was 6. Her mother gave her up and Amy now lives with him. They have a good life, including one with Nessie, and their son. But Seth Clearwater imprints on Amy, at first Jacob forbids Seth from telling Amy, until she turns 18. When she does, they soon fall in love, and hit a few bumps along the way, and end up in danger. But in the end, love will always conquer evil.

Rating: General Audiences

Warnings: Teen pregnancy, angst

Words: 8,187

p.s so this is the first fanfiction I ever wrote, back when I was 13 back in like 2011. So safe to say, it isn't the best, but it's like my child, I love it. The plot is a bit all over the place, but I think it's still a fun little story. Which has like 3 sequels if you can believe it.

I woke up, and felt better than ever, Carlisle believes the wolf genes in me healed me faster than usual.

Once I was well enough, I requested to see my baby. When Seth and Carlisle brought them in I was shocked. I had four babies, Seth was shocked too.

I was baffled, I couldn't believe I had four babies now. I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous.

Christopher, Lucas, Luna and Aria were their names. Two boys and two girls, they were perfect, I loved them so much, and they had only been alive for a few hours.

After a few days, Carlisle had given us the permission to go home, Seth and I were nervous, but we brought our children home. Luckily whilst in the last few days, my father had put up three more cribs when we found out the news of four children.

Seth and I put the children to bed, after they had their feeding, and they slept. Exhausted, Seth and I fell to our couch, and cuddled up to one another.

"This doesn't feel real" Seth whispered to me, kissing my temple.

"I know" I say.

----

Seth and I stayed home for the next few weeks, learning how to be parents before we brought the children to meet our families. It took a while, but we had a small routine working, though I didn't think it would last.

Though, our babies seemed calmer than most, it was wonderful.

Once we felt confidant, we left our house, two babies in my arms, and two in Seth's, we placed them in their car seats in Seth's truck and drove slowly to Emily's house.

My parents, and brother were there, along with the other wolves and Emily. We walked in, and everyone went quiet, and then the babies were passed around, I noticed something when Paul held Aria, he had the same look on his face as Seth did when he looked at me, or when dad looked at mum.

"Paul?" I say, with a smirk.

"I might kill you" Seth whispered, I wasn't sure if he were joking or not.

"Seth, don't be mean, Aria will have a protector, a soulmate" I explain smiling, I knew what imprinting meant, Paul would look out for our daughter, protect her and be there for her.

The day went on, the others all swooning over the babies, it was nice to rest and have a breather. Until there was a knock on the door, Sam opened it, and Alice walked in. Confused I stood up and walked over, she was looking at me worried.

"I have something to tell you" She says, I could hear the dread in her voice.

"The volturi, the vampires who captured you must of told them about your children, I have seen it Amy, your children's powers" Alice explained

"I'm confused" I whimpered.

"They each have something wonderful, a gift, I can't tell you the specifics Amy" Alice frowned "But we shall face the volturi and find reason with them" She smiled.

I nodded, not feeling convinced, Alice left, not feeling welcome among the wolves, she had told us more of the volturi. And thats when Brady walked up to me, one of the younger wolves, who joined the pack when my mum was young.

"Amy, I wanted to tell you" He started "When I held Luna, I imprinted on her, but I'm scared that Seth may kill me, we don't really get along"

I chuckled and hugged him.

"I'll protect you, you have nothing to worry about" I smiled.

"We have two months until the volturi are here, that's plenty of time" Seth smiled, plenty time for what?

----

Weeks had passed, I grew more worried each day. I couldn't understand why the volturi wanted my children. They had shown no signs of powers, and the most they would have would be the wolf gene.

Brady and Paul had spent quite a bit of time around our house, helping take care of the babies, it was sweet, but I really wanted them to go home for just a little bit so Seth and I could enjoy being a family.

We decided to take a trip to the Cullen's since they hadn't seen the babies since they were born, Rosalie was beyond pleased to have babies around again. She cuddled all four of them at once, it was adorable.

I think Connor liked having them around, my poor brother being as young as he was, had no one to play with.

"They are lovely" Rosalie cooed, it was nice seeing her and Emmett cuddle the babies. I felt terrible they couldn't have their own.

"This means technically" I start looking at Bella and Edward "You are grandparents" They looked horrified. I giggled at their faces.

"Have the children shown any powers yet?" Carlisle asked, I shook my head.

"None, maybe the vampires who captured me were wrong" I questioned, they didn't know how to answer, nobody did.

We were to suffer waiting for the volturi and hope that we would come out alive.

[plushipaws]

I don't think im meant to host. Once our system found alastor (and kinda rebuilt him from the three alters he split into) he has been fronting most of the time and it felt natrual. I became his advisor the way other alters are usually mine. A lot of childhood memories are his. Sometimes hosts do just change over time but as soon as he started doing it again it was like. Oh thank god this is how it was meant to be.

I do think I have existed a long time and fronted even as a child but I think it was mostly him and I would advise him from the back seat the way many alters have done to me later. I think I was created for the advisor role and just had to become the host bc Alastor has very strong NPD and BPD traits (so i beleive whole system is NPD and BPD) that I was good at masking and we had to mask it. I think thats why plushi especially is kinda entirely preoccupied with being cute, non threatening, friendly, and not having needs of its own and existing to always be happy. Creature is focused on being a empathetic listener, helpful and solve peoples problems, and holding depression. We always felt like... kind of empty like, something missing, we should have more personality. I think we are smaller fragments and more specific role focused than we thought, oriented to survive abuse situations. We felt missing a person who we should be, and I think that was us subconsciously missing Alastor hosting.

Trauma caused Alastor him to split into more alters (he still is not a fusion of everyone he was but I think the others are ok being seperate and he likes how he is now) so we couldnt really find him until healing allow him to come together again, and the situation is safe enough I dont need to protect him anymore. We also accept our NPD and BPD and know how to cope with it enough to let him out and allow him to express symptoms in healthy ways.

Im still an active alter and will be around, though the two alters I am (i am a subsystem) switch who is awake more and my personality shifts depending on that, and its not been super plushi lately so it feels weird having this be our main, lol. But plushi will definitely be back, it was a lot of fun being paw and I know paw is still here. Just weird to go from plushi hosting to. There hasnt been a plushi around these parts in 30 days :0

We hope our friends and mutuals will like Alastor too since he will be fronting mostly and we will be around less as we switch to him hosting. He doesn't act quite like me though since I exist basically to hide him so if you don't we understand; he is a lot more openly narcissistic and low empathy which we know not everyone vibes with. (Hes also very openly flirty and kinky which may also put folks off but he understands boundaries and is Normal about them). Though we think we will be a prominent alter and still avalible often, but we don't want to host anymore. We did it for years and we weren't supposed to have to.

Don't worry we aren't going anywhere! We still front often but it used to be like... us usually and then maybe for 3 days tops another alter comes before defaulting to us, and now we may come for three days tops and default to Alastor. And my system members can post and talk online when awake even if not fronting. But Alastor's blog is definitely the most active hub for us rn.

Alastor is @radiostaticsmile

Thanks for reading

[alstroemerian-dragon]

thinking about the several month period where the survivors (plus the two who are already awake) work to 1) wake up mahiru 2) support her through healing and then 3) wake up peko

and how utterly Miserable that period of time has to be for fuyuhiko

(more under the cut because its another long one babey)

like. okay. heres a couple of disclaimers: this is a repeat, but i have not watched the anime. so if the character dynamics from it are your canon, just know i may not follow that. second, i… dont really think about mahiru that much. shes not really that much of a character to me, given what were given in canon, and the Casual Man Hating Mom Friend Lesbian (and i know she canonically has a crush on hajime so shes definitely bi or pan dont yell at me) trope just does nothing for me im sorry HOWEVER. in contrast to fuyuhiko, and in terms of what, in my brain, she does during the tragedy (which will probably WILDLY contradict literally everyone else’s opinions), there IS something in… her* arc post sim (that * will come back) that DOES interest me. bear with me

fuyuhikos ingrained belief system revolves almost entirely around the phrase ‘There is always a bigger fish.’ there is always going to be someone stronger, bigger, and more dangerous than you, so you have to work to be the strongest, biggest, and most dangerous you can in order to stay alive. along with that, he’s had very strangled views of what it means to be a Man shoved down his throat by most likely his father, so to him, being a man means being Big and Strong and Dangerous. but at the same time… he knows thats all bullshit. hes had other influences in his life, peko, his sister and, in my mind, his mother and other strong women high up in his clan, that have shown him the falsehoods of a lot of those claims. at the same time, he also knows, in the back of his head, that he physically can not meet those expectations for being a man. but… he is one. i think hes Solid in that. so it ends up all conglomerating and fighting in his head in a very confusing mess, which honestly has to be exhausting.

mahiru, by contrast, seems to have this very odd two-part system of beliefs, where being a man means being Confident and Strong and Protective, but at the same time, men are fundamentally Lazy and Stupid and Uncaring. women need to be protected by men, but also men are unnecessary. its… yeah its honestly familiar lmao. and some of this is the writers’ beliefs seeping in and some of it is bad writing but at the end of the day its what weve got.

so, to me, it really feels like the two of them would have absolutely hated each others guts during school. fuyuhiko is neither Big and Strong and Caring, nor is he Lazy and Stupid and Uncaring. he cares a lot, but not openly, or in a way that mahiru would easily recognize. hes an enigma in her eyes. and to fuyuhiko, mahiru is stuck in a frame of mind hes been fighting since he was a child, and as much as he’d try to be sympathetic, his anger has a tendency to get the better of him.

so… sato’s death would only have made this situation worse.

i dont think any of them knew he was responsible for her death. i dont think fuyuhiko told ANYONE aside from peko, especially since this would have been in their second year, after junko had begun sinking her talons into the entire class. how could he trust any of them? and he has to have known about her connection to mahiru, its the only way he could have found out she was involved in natsumi’s death. he kept it from her in particular, knowing she wouldn’t understand, knowing she would blame him, knowing it would just make things worse.

she probably doesnt realize the full extent of everything until… until after she wakes up.

im not gonna go too much into them as despairs, but lets just say that fuyuhiko… is responsible for a lot of bad things, even ones that happened to his fellow limbs. mahiru also did a lot of shit, but hiko i think is one of the only ones who hurt his so-called allies. and her cheery, fake, influencer-like attitude absolutely grated on him like crazy, resulting in a lot of screaming matches and even physical altercations.

so, when mahiru wakes up, her opinion of fuyuhiko is the lowest it could possibly be. hes an enigma, a stick in the gears, a man who hasnt yet shown his true colors and yet is also a violent, cruel dictator, fulfilling every expectation she has for the kind of man she expects the Ultimate Yakuza to be.

except he isnt. because by the time she wakes up, its been over a year and a half since the program shut down, and fuyuhiko is a very, very different person. and he doesnt have a low opinion of her at all. hes incredibly sympathetic to her situation, understands how much pain shes probably in, understands theres definitely a lot more under her surface beliefs that he doesnt see or know yet. thinks it was incredibly brave of her to stand up to him despite knowing he could be violent and dangerous.

and as the days go by, she sees that. sees him interacting with the others, sees him laugh at one of hajimes stupid jokes, sees him smile and roll his eyes at kazuichi’s physical affection, sees him lean on his cane when his leg flares up, sees him rubbing at the scars around his eye when they ache. sees how much respect he treats her with, how much space he gives her while not avoiding confrontations, because hes done running. hes been running for far too long, and hes done with it.

i think it takes a long time. weeks, maybe. months, possibly. but i think it starts to weigh on her mind, that she cant keep treating him like a criminal. like a weapon. cant keep ignoring his humanity in favor of the label of Violent Man that sits in her brain. and, additionally, interacting with the others, with hajime, with sonia, with kazuichi and sagishi. she starts to realize how utterly stupid the rigid gender structures that exist in her heard really are.

basically what im saying is i think mahiru is a he/him butch bi woman because i love to hit characters with the Cool Ass Gender ray. this is where that * comes back by the way thats why thats there because mahirus not a girl but also he is a girl but also hes not. hope this helps <3 also he and fuyuhiko are Worsties. they should eventually get to a point where they can both make jokes about the fact that fuyuhiko tried to kill him and can also have serious conversations about the sato and natsumi shit without devolving into unproductive arguing.

AND THEN PEKO WAKES UP FUCK THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT—

[dailyoyo]

thabk yoi a lot dailyoyo your brains are very compelling to me it kind of makes me want to study you like ants . i quote you all the time like i tell my friends " i stole this sentiment / headcanon from a deranged yoyo tumblr account " . you are aspirational really Truly we need more dailyoyos in the world i cant stop thinking about lawyer yoyo now .... also i beg for more dissecting of yoyo and mew dynamics if ur Into That . theuve always been really interesting to me but honestly like 4 pieces of canonexist in jsr ever so

VERY DELIGHTFUL ASK TO GET. i love to hear that i have had a net impact in making people get weirder. its so important to me. making the jsr fandom worse one post at a time <3

a lot of the way i post in here is inspired by both my friends but also some of the crazy bitches (affectionate) ive seen around over in the dragon ball z fandom in particular, but really i think ANYONE in the world no matter the fandom has the god-given right to tear characters apart with their teeth and make them fail as fuck and really really really sick in the head in ways they were probably not intended to be read as in canon. Everypony out there get eviler!!!!!!!!!!!! Now.

IM GLAD YOU LIKE LAWYER YOYO I THINK ABOUT HIM A LOT TOO. hes fascinating to me in that like hes technically not a Bad Ending (MOST of that au technically isnt!) and yet objectively he is a worse outcome because in regular(paradox) canon theres an avenue for yoyo to heal and become less bastardous. because like he has genuine friends and positive interactions and reasons to Want to be more than a self serving shithead. and also hes 16 of course hes an asshole hes 16.

but with lawyer yoyo its like. Its too late. He grew up and he stayed like that and he does not care to change and he has no impetus to change. hes definitely living a safer and more comfortable life and he has much higher self-esteem but he is Staying dead inside. Like ok regular yoyo and lawyer yoyo are both mentally at the bottom of basically the same exact well but lawyer yoyo was like "fuck it" and built a house down there. do you get me

Oh fuck this post is getting so long and i havent even talked about mew and yoyo yet.

okay so liek. beat was yoyo's first proper Friend in the ggs (as opposed to "just tolerating him being around"). because beat kind of totally fell for yoyo's whole harmless schtick lmao. but mew was the first Real Friend in that she picked up on how much of a fake fuck yoyo was and decided to hang out with him anyway.

which. ADMITTEDLY. this was originally BECAUSE she was fascinated by yoyo being so insincere (for a while he was also really playing up the "ohoho i'm TOOOTALLY not a double agent" thing for shits and giggles even though he literally wasnt.). and as previously mentioned yoyo had a crush on her which is why he didnt realize mew could see right through him. honestly for a while he kind of thought he had totally had her under his thumb but the whole time mew was like "Awww hehe he thinks im only hanging out with him because of his manipulations, thats so cute ^_^" (<- DERANGED)

and in a way while they were already friends their friendship didnt Truly start until after yoyo confessed his love and was rejected. because like the whole thing was kind of a wakeup call for yoyo - mew had noticed his feelings all along and was waiting for him to say something Just to reject him, and like among normal people that would probably be a lot more hurtful but in that circumstance it was like... she'd outplayed him. easily. and he didn't even notice, but she's still here anyway. and she still wants to hang out with him even though she can tell the kind of person he is.

because the thing is like. mew may play up her innocence and naivety but she IS genuinely kind at heart. a lot of her strange desire to examine nasty people under a microscope is because of her desire to see the humanity in everyone, to understand Why people do the things they do. and she's not under any illusions that she can """Fix Him""", god knows she's not sure she can even "fix" herself, but she saw yoyo for what he was and could respect the survival mechanisms at play for what they were. (this is also why mew was so immediately like "idk Yoyo doesn't seem like that kind of person..." when the nt-3000 thing happened because. like. she Understood his modus operandi and that simply Wasn't It.)

and like when youre the kind of person who thinks that as soon as someone sees under your mask that they'll want you dead in a ditch, knowing someone who recognizes your mask and is just like "oh cool, i got one too" is kind of world-shaking. paradoxically them recognizing each others' insincerity makes them be a lot more sincere with each other.

Oh fuck this post long as hell. yoy

[ubike-official]

my dear friend ive been thinking of you talking about having self hatred blinders on with your trip and it really resonated with me like yeah thats exactly what im dealing with rn and trying to pry them off myself but still struggling with it even as im aware of it, i was wondering if u had any tips for moving forward and out of that kind of self hate and trauma fueled horse blinders mindset (aside from yknow. general healing and unpacking it all). no rush or pressure for replying i was just wanting to pick ur brain a little about it ily i hope ur day is going well

Hi Rey, my friend Rey! Thanks so much for being patient with my reply. I wanted to really sit down and give you a good proper answer here so I reviewed the Ancient Texts (my old journal entries). One thing that really helps for me dealing with the trauma self hatred blinders is the feeling that I owe it to myself to be confident. I think of sad little child me and how I know she wanted to be confident and accepted. And when I think of how others made me feel this hatred and that it's not a natural state. That my natural state was happy even if it was short lived, that i deserve to return back to that state.

Now thats easy said but very much not easily done. I still have moments where I realize after the fact i was isolating and falling into bad habits. Like when I was abroad i remember once the guy sitting next to me said hi to me outside of the school gate and was inviting me in to come talk with everyone and i literally ran away and tripped down a flight of stairs where no one saw me, cried, and dragged my bloody knee to a pharmacy to buy a bandaid and no one batted an eye. At that moment i felt like what just happened was proof that I was awful and no one cared about me. But in hindsight that wasn't true. Those people were inviting me in and i ran away. And i wasnt a bad person for that! i just had a lot of trauma and needed some grace and time to process it!

And it took me around 3 months to muster up the courage to try again. And I mustered it a couple of ways. One of my very bad traits that I'm working on is judging others. I remember there was this guy that took the same bus as me, that had such an obnoxious Australian accent and was so Caucasian and had the audacity to just talk to anyone. And I haaaated him. But like, one day it clicked while i was being a hater, this dude legit did not know or care who i was. he had friends and did so many things i wish i could've done. I stopped seeing him but soon a similar guy appeared that was of the same type of person, and one day I talked to him. And it didnt amount to much. But it helped me get over that block. Because if i was gonna spend all that time disliking him, i wanted him to at least know who the hell i was. at least once. Not for external validation, for me. And I feel like sometimes having that awkward, scary conversation can really help.

In terms of processing and healing I really love physical journaling. It doesn't need to be fancy or coherent, but writing it down, especially before bed helps me really process whatever things are weighing me down. I like to get it out right before bed so i can go to bed with a clear mind and not have the 3am lying in bed spiral. And def try to gauge what things you can unpack and resolve with a session otherwise it can leave you worse off.

One thing that helps for me that may not work for you or others given your health situation. I think a casual low intensity amount of drinking with friends or at a bar in a safe space helps. For me being just a little tipsy makes me put my guard down and connect with others and gain confidence from small, low commitment, one off interactions with strangers. This can also be replicated Non alcoholic/substancy in like a cafe, library patio, or community setting. If you're able to find somewhere accessible to you and be a regular and say hi, get some low level interaction. When I came back home from Taiwan I made it a habit to try and say hi to people when i went for walks and just get comfortable doing that. Or I'd make small talk with checkout clerks at the grocery store and juat add a comment in. Like sometimes I'd just rehearse saying something about the weather or the week or idk, anything. And just whip it out of your back pocket. Sometimes it'll land, sometimes it wont.

Hope this is at least somewhat helpful! you've got this, we're in this together^^

[ferelbasta]

Hopefully back for good

Hey everyone, you might not recognize me but it's actually @bigbluebeast talking here. I wanted to start anew here since I've been so so inactive over on my old main account, plus alot about me has changed so I feel a new account is necessary.

As seen by my username I go by FerelBasta now, I still have the name That Blue Otter here since they're one of my sonas/selves, my otter self ( Beast) and my Daeodon self ( Ferel ), there is a third self but thats more personal. I also now identify as non-binary and asexual and go by they/them and he/him, just these make me feel alot better in my own skin. I've also have been searching within regarding my religious beliefs, but I won't get into too much of that until I decide to talk more on it, basically alot about myself has changed regarding how I was on this website may years ago...

I want to apologize first off to being so inactive... everywhere really. My personal life has not been the best due to certain things going on that really prevented me from sitting down and just getting some art done how I used to do back then, mainly starting in 2016... I've been over this countless times it feels but a rather drastic event happened over on twitter that caused my derailing from creating any artwork, I became very nervous and scared to really post much of anything thanks to what happened and looking back all these years nothing has changed. My depression and the events had caused me to shy away from creating and just watch from afar, I knew I was always bad with starting and then just stopping, but things were taken to a new extreme now. The past four years especially didn't help anything regarding my healing due to finding a job where I was harassed and then... something awful happening between me and a family member near the end of 2020, which did lead to my discovery of me being non-binary but.. I still wish things went better... I ended up finding a different job in the middle of 2019 but ever since the pandemic hit I wasn't able to function at that job anymore.. plus even more harassment from co-workers doesn't help either. Though despite all this.. it soon seemed like something was going to change.

Near the end of February of 2021 I was talking with a good friend of mine over the phone, she and I have known eachother ever since we met on twitter in 2016, and in 2019 we started to talk again after two years of silence from both ends. I remember it was that very evening she admitted she felt in love with me.. and honestly I felt the very same way with her <3 I had started to feel some sort of adoration for her after we started talking on the phone, just hearing her voice and bonding with her made me feel things I never really felt before, sure I had puppy love crushes on some friends before but that was because I'm a rather cuddly and affectionate person to begin with, but this time? hearing she felt the same way just set things in stone.. I had found love. She then came to visit in March of that same year and we've been inseparable ever since, yes we do have our moments but what couple doesn't have them? We've been growing stronger and closer as time went on and I feel thanks to her I felt like life was worth living.. like there are things to look forward to and do.. just having someone like her with me makes me feel so happy and thankful to be alive.

I believe in late 2021 I returned here with a new blog relating to help myself cope with things going on in my life and just with life in general, but due to certain things happening I have again fell off the horse for maintaining said blog. I won't get into too much because it's very personal but I'll just say that I was struggling with where I stood regarding certain things around it. I have since settled and stood my ground on where I am with it all and I'm feeling alot better about it, the same could also be said about my religious beliefs, I grew up christian but I never ever identified with being one due to... well... more personal things but I recently discovered a religion that I felt like I belonged in, Kemeticism. I'll save most of the info for its own post but to just make it brief, I have always loved the culture and history of ancient Egypt ever since I was a very young kid, and I had a awakening of some sorts after coming to terms when a game I play had a Egyptian themed event going on, now it really feels like I found where I truly belong...

We now come to when I'm writing this entry, the start of my new dA account and some tumblr as well! I just last night fixed what was going on with my tablet because it wasn't working properly which prevented me from making any new art, that and I lot access to photoshop CS5 due to my laptop needing to be updated and... the program was outdated for the OS... ofc... BUT! I still have Clip Studio Paint so until I get another art program to do the coloring and touch ups in, thats what I will be working with. I will also be posting my traditional sketches here and tumblr just so I have stuff to offer to everyone, this will be a rough journey of relearning how to not be afraid and just get to making things that make me happy, but it seems like I'm on the right path

Thats all I have to say for now, but until next time, I hope to see everyone again soon,

Thank you for reading <3

[madisonrooney]

oh shit its been like. a week and a half and i havent told yall my dove story maybe i should do that

so i went to the cameron boyce foundation gala again. thats where i saw her last summer too, not sure if i ever mentioned that then lol. knew she would be there but only wanted to talk to her if it felt right given the circumstances. following my much more talkative friends lead who knew a lot of the people there to some degree (not unlike my fan relationship with many of them but a bit closer than i am to some), we talked to a number of people so im like ok if were talking to everyone else we gotta talk to her.

almost thought we lost her as things wound down but we spotted her and walked over and my heart rate continued to increase every step i got closer to her.

didnt really know what to say but i wanted to re-establish who i was, given how much time has gone by since we used to regularly interact plus i was wearing a mask, so i just said what ive said before in similar situations which was “its been a long time!” and she said “yah i havent seen you in a while!” and im like oh god she does remember me oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god

we take a pic together and then i finally give her my short little speech that basically sums up my last 3 years worth of thoughts and worries. some off yall may remember me posting during quarantine how terrified i was that our relationship would basically die since we couldnt interact in person and im too anxious to be on stan twitter or anything like that. so i said “i know we havent interacted much over the past few years bc of that little pandemic lol but i hope you know im still supporting you in everything you do” and she like.....put her hand on my arm and thanked me hhhhhhh

then i added “obvs ive been supporting you from the beginning but even moreso as youve been an advocate for the queer community of which im also a part” and she thanked me again. THEN I SAID HAPPY PRIDE MONTH AND SHE SAID IT BACK LIKE. OKAY. (my coworker said those were basically our wedding vows and i have to agree)

she apologized that she was having a bit of a nervous breakdown, i guess in regard to her short responses (which i really thought nothing of). like first of all so was i and second of all ofc i dont blame her given the circumstances

at some point she said “thank you for supporting cameron” which just. warmed my heart so so much.

gave her a quick hug and as she walked away i said “we love you!” and she said “i love you guys!” and blew us kisses. whew.

so. yah. i basically got to tell her what id been harboring inside me for like 3 years and got three PLUS years of weight off of my shoulders. its kinda hard to believe but i really healed so much in that moment and im just. so so grateful.

to still be able to have these interactions with her, even if not as long and not as often as they were years ago, now that shes blown up so much is not something i take for granted in the least. i really needed this and im so so glad i got it.

one of the first things that popped in my head afterwards (besides the intense desire to cry which i had to fight due to still being in public) was “man. i would do anything for her.” so i guess let that be your take away