#this man emotionally and verbally tortured his son | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

livlepretre · 4 years

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Ooh, let’s talk character interpretation! I have two questions, but they are both long, so I am going to do them in separate asks.

1.) I’m of the opinion that The Originals portrayed Klaus as a father in a way that doesn’t line up with how he actually is. I think that had more to do with the fact that it was a CW show, and they wanted a redemption arc for the character. Obviously they weren’t going to go for anything that could be misconstrued as actual child abuse- I.e verbal, emotional, or physical abuse. How do you think that Klaus with a child would actually be? Elena would protect her children at all costs, so I know she would take care of any problem she saw arising with Klaus’s parenting skills, but let’s for arguments sake say that Elena and her survival skills don’t factor into this. Klaus grew up dealing with every type of child abuse in the book. Her was demeaned, belittled, and physically beaten, and we know this is what started his psychological issues. I totally agree with your FE interpretation of the Mikaelson incest problem and the fact that it all stems from Klaus and his power issues. He wants to control Rebekah because he wants her to stay and love him above all and manupulation through sex factors into that. Sadly, this dynamic is a problem in the real world, and is extremely unhealthy, vile, and illegal—especially because Rebekah is around a decade his junior and permanently stuck in the mindset of a teenage girl (side note: I remember in FE, Rebekah says she gave her virginity to him. I’d love to hear your take on how that line was crossed and how many years after they had become vampires that this happened. It is certainly a moral line that is hard to cross, although they were born in the 10th century.) Klaus also won’t hestitate to hurt his family emotionally and physically when they upset him whether this is killing their loved ones or daggering them. I guess I just want to know if you think Klaus-who remembers being an abused child- would ever continue this pattern of behavior with a child of his own and if so, would there be lines he would refuse to cross? I feel like he wouldn’t intentionally start out doing abusive things (like how he didn’t immediately start abusiving his sibilings), but once he loses his temper and does something once, the lines of what he is willing to do get blurry. He’s definitely not a stable individual and is a creature of habit- especially when he starts to feel as though he isn’t being respected or when he gets ignored from those he wants to love him. Finally, do you think there would be a huge difference between Klaus raising a boy or girl? We saw how Marcel turned out (also, the dynamic between Rebekah and Marcel when she started out as an Aunt figure and turned into a romantic partner is something that I feel like was strange and very Klebekah in the 1920s weird where it was clearly there but no one ever chose to expand on it or even mention it in the narrative? But I digress!), and Klaus is clearly threatened by the fact that Marcel grew up and was able to take over Nola despite the fact that Marcel was just doing what Klaus taught him. He sees Marcel as a threat, but if he had a daughter, I feel like he would end up treating her sort of in a Rebekah like manner where she isn’t ever really viewed as a threat, just a girl throwing a trantrum. Idk, there is just so much to think about here and immortality definitely screws with your perception of what’s okay and what isn’t. I’m very curious to see how you think all this would play out long term.

You’re spoiling me with these questions and I pretty much agree with your thoughts on Klaus’s general fucked-uppery.

I’ve put a great deal of thought into “Klaus as a parent,” both because of the show, and because of ficcish things. I think he’s acutely aware of all of the ways that his own father failed him, and so he would be actively really determined to have the kind of relationship with his own child that he never had with his father. His intentions there would be good, and probably better than his intentions with his siblings, since a child is a more direct extension of himself, but the question would be whether he is actually capable of being a good parent. It’s true that victims of childhood abuse often end up tragically rehashing the same patterns with their own children, but it’s equally true that many are able to break the cycle. I tend to think that Klaus would actually be exceptionally good with his children while they were still children. He shows in canon that he was very good with talking to Marcel and making him feel valued when he was a little boy still-- Klaus empathizes very well with children, and I think while he has tremendous difficulty understanding the emotions of others, at least when they are not mirrors of how he would feel, his own experiences of feeling neglect and belittlement and fear as a child would guide him in how to make a child feel loved, heard, special, etc. And of course, a child is able to give a parent the sort of unconditional, center-of-the-universe love that Klaus craves. The problem would come about in the transition from childhood to adolescence. His problems with Marcel, for example, stem from Marcel becoming a young man with ambitions and interests of his own-- no longer idolizing Klaus, no longer his shadow and perfect companion, but instead someone testing boundaries and breaking away.

How Klaus handles a teenage and later an adult child is a more complicated question. Yes, I think he would ultimately have an easier time with a female child, because Klaus is a misogynist and could therefore slip into a familiar dynamic of treating that child as a pet-- he could shower her with gifts and affection and never take her too seriously, much like Rebekah. A boy would inevitably grow into a rival, I think... or, almost inevitably. Whether or not the son even construes himself as a rival would be irrelevant if Klaus decides he’s a rival. It’s that same problem as with Marcel all over again-- if he stays by Klaus’s side, it’s not an issue, but if he pursues his own life... The son thing is also hard, because that son would inevitably be, to Klaus, a direct reflection of himself, and I’m convinced that Klaus would desire nothing more than to create the kind of father/son relationship he badly desired... and so the expectations and pressures would be tremendous for a boy.

There’s a big question to address along the lines of: would Klaus treat his adolescent/adult children the way he treats his siblings? It seems to me like the essential difference between sibling vs child relationships would be that Klaus, an actual narcissist, would inevitably see his children as extensions of himself, whereas his siblings each represent the greatest threats to his ego, his power, and his image of himself. He therefore exerts control over them, especially Rebekah, who is the easiest for him to control (as both the youngest and the only female, and also, since she is the most insecure and I would argue traumatized of all of them). He’s high-handed to the extreme, daggering them whenever he so chooses, therefore controlling whether they even get to actually live, deciding on which lovers are acceptable for Rebekah (and sometimes his brothers), dragging them all over the planet, lying to them all for centuries on end... the list goes on. There’s a lot of interpersonal violence there, but I would say that the one line he never crosses is that he never kills them-- because in his head he’s justified it as “I’m daggering this sibling for their own good” etc etc. (It’s interesting also to note that his siblings would be just as fast to dagger him should the opportunity arise.) Would he have the same need to exert his dominance over his children? Because, as father, his power over them is the natural order of things (especially in his medieval head). Whereas, amongst his siblings, yes, he’s the most special, but he’s also the third son and suffers from middle child syndrome, so it’s more about wresting power from the rest of them. Never underestimate how deeply medieval the thinking of each of the Originals is-- things like birth order definitely matter, and that’s definitely part of Klaus’s familial chaos.

The strongest point of tension I could predict between Klaus and his children would be at the point when they are old enough to wish to exert their independence from him as individuals. I question whether Klaus would ever see that though, or be able to let them go. I think there could be an inevitable slide into methods of control-- lying “for their own good,” killing a daughter’s suitors to keep her from leaving the nest... no matter what, he would probably prefer for his child to find interests that kept them close to him.

In terms of physical violence, I’m up in the air about that. It’s possible he could lose his temper and strike out at a child-- although, the more I think about it, the more I think that’s not how he lashes out so I don’t think that would be the issue. He daggers his siblings a lot but we don’t see him torturing them physically (I don’t think? I could just be blanking). There are times when they come to blows, but we see that with Damon and Stefan all the time... and that might just be a vampire thing in general. Most of what he does to them is really psychological torture/abuse and when he does have a violent fit, he tends to take it out on those around the object of his furor, like every single one of Rebekah’s lovers whom he murders, or Katerina’s family. What would be the equivalent of daggering that he could do to his child? Lock him up in a dungeon? (lol if it’s Elena’s child, GOOD LUCK.) Maybe some other threat to hold over their heads? This would be totally situational though. I think he would be deeply regretful of ever striking his child (doesn’t entirely mean he wouldn’t, in the heat of the moment), but could justify other methods like imprisonment pretty easily.

I think that just leaves the last awful stone to turn over: the incest. I don’t even know what to say about the Mikaelsons other than that there is definitely an incest issue in that whole family-- but especially with Klaus and Rebekah-- and honestly at this point Rebekah’s incest vibe with Marcel just sells their relationships to me even more. Of course she’s transposed that fucked-uppery onto Marcel. Like you mentioned above, and like I’ve developed in Fairytale Ending, Klaus’s incest with Rebekah is definitely a power thing with him-- he’s not in love with Rebekah, but she is his special favorite-- and part of that is that she’s the sibling he can control, through sexual dominance and appealing to her abandonment issues and insecurities (in a wild feedback loop with his own abandonment issues and insecurities). It’s awfully telling that the only lover he actually lets her have is Stefan... because Stefan is so clearly also his lover. (And that when faced with Rebekah x Marcel, he chose to dagger her and shelve the issue of oh no! I can’t kill my son! until it was no longer an issue)

Personally, I don’t think there would be any parent/child incest issues with Klaus-- his incest problems don’t stem directly from his parent/child trauma, and we never get a hint of incest between him and Marcel, so, at least we can breathe a sigh of relief in this one facet of Klaus-as-father-- but I do think if he were to have multiple children he would be very suspicious of them and very hunted by the idea of their incest.

I think that sums up my thoughts on Klaus as a parent/the possible ways he would fuck it up?

I do think there’s a possibility it could go well-- obviously I daydream most about what a Klaus x Elena parent team would look like, which might actually work. As you said, Elena would cut any nonsense out right away. But also, I think that Elena is a true equal for Klaus, and one of the things about finding a real equal is that it lends itself to partnership-- which is what Klaus would need in a co-parent. Someone who could balance him and strengthen the parts of him that could be good at being a parent. His siblings definitively did not do that-- Elijah wasn’t interested enough, and Rebekah is ultimately too immature-- but Elena has a shot. So, despite all the ways it could go to non-proverbial hell in a handbasket, I think with the right circumstances-- a partner who would voluntarily choose to stay at his side, for example, thus eliminating so much of his neediness and extenuating control issues-- he could deal with that shift from child to adolescent to adult much better, and that foundation of a very strong parent/child relationship during the first decade or so could really help Klaus and his child’s relationship withstand any later turbulence. (Also, with Elena around as a co-parent, I kind of think instead of grooming a child to be some sort of feudal lord who could become a threat to Klaus’s sphere of power, she would encourage her kid to be... like... a veterinarian or something normal. And having that strong female role model would also go a long way toward forcing Klaus to give up his “over-bearing father to my precious jewel of a daughter” schtick....) So maybe my actual stance is “Klaus would be a terrible single-father, but he might be okay if he’s not the only parent in the picture/he has an adult meeting and grappling with his issues in a long-term committed relationship”

(I think the final you asked about were my thoughts on Rebekah/Klaus in the FE timeline, which is basically just my headcanon in general... so, to start off, I don’t think the incest would have ever happened had they remained human. I think it’s a direct result of the trauma and psychosis they all experience from their transformations into vampires, which reifies all the problems they had as humans and exponentially makes it worse. And also, like you said, immortality seriously fucks with concepts of right vs wrong. Like, part of what’s wild is that nowhere in the canon does it say that vampires have to be monsters... it’s just that needing human blood to survive quickly turns into hunting humans, which turns into a psychological barrier between the vampire and humans... which eventually transforms them into monsters, callous, cold, playing with their food, hunting humans for sport, arbitrarily pulling them apart because they’re bored. So, becoming a vampire doesn’t instantly make one into a monster, but it does seem to inevitably precipitate becoming one down the line, and it’s just a matter of how fast the vampire arrives at that destination. To get back to the incest question, my thought was that the Originals would be already well down that road-- years past the death of their mother and fleeing their father, living as savages enslaved to their appetites and their flights of fancy, when that shift would occur between Klaus and Rebekah. Because by that point, what can possibly still be taboo? They’d already divorced themselves from their humanity, their inherent sense of “right” vs “wrong,” certainly any cultural understanding of it, so thoroughly that the barrier between sibling and lover must have felt thin and insubstantial as a bit of mist. I’m sure they were gradually heading that way for a while-- Klaus probably clung to Rebekah hardest of all, and Rebekah was so traumatized that telling the difference between different kinds of love would have been truly difficult. When I think about how long this might have taken, I imagine probably only about a decade-- long enough that it wasn’t immediate (they were still young, and time would have still passed at a human rate for them), but not long that Rebekah would have a chance to really start looking at all the men who might be potential lovers for her. It’s possible in fact that her interest in a human man could have precipitated Klaus changing things up with her. (And it’s very much explicitly about Klaus wanting to be #1 with Rebekah-- I think he slept with Tatia Petrova as a human, and I think he was sleeping around a good deal-- probably in a lot of gruesome ways, actually-- in that time before Rebekah became his lover.) What’s interesting to me here is that none of the other siblings-- especially Elijah, because Kol is shifty as fuck-- ever seemed to object. They just... accepted it? Rolled with it? That, to me, really demonstrates how deeply screwed up they all are.)

#anonymous #klaus #klaus mikaelson #klena #beklena #tw: incest

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aleksanderrs · 4 years

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introducing ; 𝒂𝒍𝒆𝒌𝒔𝒂𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒓𝒔𝒆𝒏 .

( herman tømmeraas , cismale , he/him , aquarius , 21 ) i just spotted aleksander ‘ aleks ’ thorsen at the beach today . don’t you know them ? they live down by the rocks and usually hang out with the stoners and outcasts cliques . from what i’ve heard , they can be impulsive , but they’re also honest . i always think of them when i hear hell is where i dreamt of u & woke up alone - blackbear and tend to associate them with bruises and scratches decorating pale white skin , a backpack filled with narcotics , flicking off the cops on the freeway with a smirk on your face .

note that this is a pretty triggering intro ! i’ve tried to put a tw before any bullet that mentions something triggering , but i may have missed something . if you do read this intro , read it with caution please , as i wouldn’t want to trigger anyone !

tws : foster care system , violence , injuries , drug and alcohol abuse , shooting resulting in death , suicidal thoughts

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full name : aleksander carter thorsen peters

nicknames : everyone calls him aleks , like …. everyone . some people call him sander and he’s fine with this one too , but usually just aleks tbh

gender : cis male

height : 5 ′ 10

age : 21

birthday : february 5 , 2000

zodiac : aquarius sun , aquarius moon , scorpio ascendant

right handed or left handed : right handed

eye color : hazel , shooting more towards green , but shifts colors with the lighting

hair color : naturally very light brown , nearing more towards dark blonde , but he always dyes it a super dark shade of dark brown or even black . you’ll never catch him with that light ass hair of his tbh lmfao

piercings and tattoos : he has a septum piercing he hides by flipping it upwards whenever he feels like it tbh , literally a fuck ton of tattoos ! he has a pretty decent stick and poke on his left ankle he did himself when he was like sixteen that says ‘ aurora ’ ( twin sisters’ name ) , he has one that reads ‘ murphy , 1961-2021 ′ on his inner right bicep ( will get into that later in his intro ) , he has these fingers tattoos on his left hand , this tattoo on his inner left bicep , ‘ livet er nå ’ on his left wrist ( which means life is now in norwegian ) , a little pitbull face tattoo to honor an old dog he loved so much named pawly , ‘ 2000 ′ ( year he was born ) in the middle of his left arm , ‘ oasis ’ diagonally on his right arm right above his wrist ( fave band there guys ! ) , an aquarius symbol on his right ring finger , honestly a bunch of random ass small aesthetic tattoos ? probably a little alien , a mini drum set tattoo , a random small thunder tattoo ? probably the word ‘ fuck ’ somewhere like .... idiot who gets a lot of random tattoos idk what to say , literally is probably a centimeter away from losing his shit and impulsively getting a face tattoo he really doesn’t give a fuck anymore tbh KJVNDVJFV

languages spoken : english , norwegian , basic spanish , but wants to learn it fluently

sexuality : bisexual / biromantic

place of birth : long beach , california

hometown : literally everywhere , no permanent hometown tbh

last four songs listened to : faint by linkin park , supersonic by oasis , mama by my chemical romance , torture me by red hot chili peppers

character inspo : a mix of chris miles and james cook from skins u.k , lip gallagher and mickey milkovich from shameless u.s , callie adams foster from the fosters , eli ‘ hawk ’ moskowitz from cobra kai ( season 2 hawk )

backstory

so aleksander , or aleks as he prefers to be called , was born six minutes after his twin sister aurora , to two norwegian parents ( julie and anders ) , both twins being the first american born in their family . his father was a no show from the start , and his mother was something else . him and aurora endured their mother’s heavy drug abuse , living in a crappy environment with an actual crackhead , until she was deemed unfit to take care of them and they were taken from her by child protective services when they were seven , instantly thrown into foster care . his mother didn’t care enough to ever even get them back , signing away her parental rights , and choosing drugs over her own two children . aleks hasn’t seen her since , and has no desire to ever see her again at all

as a kid , he was pretty soft . he didn’t like mean people and was fairly sensitive and highly emotional , two things that you literally cannot be if you’re a foster kid , which , unfortunately for aleks , was exactly what he was . basically exactly how you could picture a foster child’s life really . him and aurora managed to stay together for three years until they were separated from each other at ten years old

i guess you could say this is when things changed drastically for him . he assumed they might get reunited eventually but it never happened . he would cry himself to sleep every night because of how lonely he felt and he actually had no friends at all . if anything , the kids at his home would constantly make fun of him for being so sensitive and crying so easily . he was completely on his own , and really sad

he came to terms with the fact that he wouldn’t really survive if he continued letting his emotions get the better of him . by the time he was twelve , he altered his personality drastically and changed altogether . what really happened is that he let his anger and resentment get the better of him

he just became super fed up with how fucked up the system is , and how literally no one wanted to adopt a kid his age ? the lack of sympathy from his fellow foster ‘ siblings ’ , and a mixture of everything going on around him , he kind of gave up and turned into this version of himself that took shit from no one . he never stayed in a foster home for more than nine months regardless of whether he behaved or not because something always seemed to come up for some reason ? this of course , gave him no real stability .

he got thrown into a foster care family , the johnson’s , when he was fourteen , and for a while , it seemed like a pretty top notch foster home , definitely the best one he’s been in by far . i say for a while because shit went down hill pretty fast , literally in less than five months . aleks had an unlikely friendship with the foster parents’ son , kyle . kyle was four years older than him ( eighteen ) but it seemed to work at first since they shared the same room , until one day , they get into a pretty heated argument at school ( kyle is a senior , aleks is a freshman ) . to this day , aleks genuinely doesn’t even remember what the argument was even about , but this was the argument that flipped his life upside down more than it had already been flipped

! violence and injury tw for the next four bullets , read with caution or skip ahead if it will trigger you ! they’re outside getting into it , petty ass verbal argument tbh , when kyle strikes him right in the face . doesn’t really end there though because this grown ass eighteen year old man dead ass starts beating his ass . actual understatement , like , beating his ass like he’s getting paid for it type shit . he can hear people around them screaming out ‘ fight fight fight ! ’ but it’s really , really not a fight though ? like it’s just this eighteen year old beating the living shit out of a fourteen year old kid , a literal fucking child

eventually when it’s over , kyle threatens him . tells him that if he says anything at all , he’s going to make sure he gets sent to a group home or frame him for something he didn’t do to get him sent to juvie . aleks is seriously just laying on the floor , holding back the urge to cry , injured as hell , wondering where the fuck that came from . it was just so random ? he really thought he was friends with this guy and he just gets his ass beat over an actual fifth grade argument . he’s been picked on before , even shoved or had sour fights with people before , sure , but he’s never in his damn existence been beaten like that before . super low point in his life because it’s the first time he genuinely got his ass handed to him and then some , but definitely not the lowest point

when he gets back to his foster home , he tells his foster parents he was jumped . makes up this entire story from the crack of his ass . it actually makes him physically and emotionally sick to sleep in the same room as kyle , but he tells himself it is what it is . he doesn’t rest that entire night . the next day though , he waits until kyle is sound asleep to get up from his bed beside him and hover over at him , watching him snore soundly . a million and one thoughts run through this kids head , but it’s mostly just hurt , anger , disgust , and this sick need to get back at him . it’s this fight in his head , one voice telling him to let it go while the other voice screams at him to fuck him up . aleks momentarily decides on taking the higher road , knowing it could get him into huge trouble if he lays a hand on kyle , but that decision to take the higher road vanishes when he looks up above the fuckers bed and see’s the mirror that hangs on top . he stares at his reflection , spotting his bruises , the swollen bits of his face , the scrapes and cuts , how fucked up he looks , and he acts completely on impulse , his anger getting the better of him . aleks grabs kyle’s soccer trophy from on top of his bed stand , lifts it up above his head , and smacks him right across the face with it . this obviously wakes up kyle instantly , but aleks has the upper hand , since kyle is laying on his bed , half asleep , and without a weapon . aleks starts fucking him up with the thing , you can hear kyle’s screaming loud and clear , and it’s not long before kyle’s parents come rushing inside , obviously pulling aleks right off him , and well , you can kind of see where this is headed

moral of the story , aleks is considered a high risk foster child with that little stunt he pulled . his first actual offense , but it still gets him sent to juvie for three days , and that’s really just because the judge is being nice considering his situation ... i don’t even think i need to describe what juvie was like because like we see movies y’all we know JKFNDJF . he broke kyle’s nose , scratched his cornea , and left him with multiple injuries . kyle’s claims don’t help his story either . he tells everyone that aleks is psycho , that he’s wrong in the head , has some serious anger issues and ‘ attacked him out of nowhere when he was just trying to help him ’ , makes him out to be the biggest bad guy in the book , conveniently leaving out the part where he fucks him up with his fists at school . with the squeaky clean record kyle has , no one really cares for aleks’ side of the story at all , especially since he claimed his injuries were from getting jumped . from that point forward , he knows for a fact he’s never getting adopted , and , as sad as this may sound , he doesn’t even care anymore ! end of violence and injury tw !

actually hurting someone the way he did kind of ignited something inside him he didn’t even know was there . of course after a certain age , he grew a much tougher shell and stopped crying about everything , stopped being so damn sensitive , but he’s never laid his hands on anyone before until he met kyle . he wasn’t proud of what he did , it made him feel like shit inside , dirty in a way , and it didn’t give him any sense of accomplishment or bring him any joy , but .... it kind of awakened him to all these different ideas , a different mentality , gave him a feeling of power and superiority he’s never felt before . at that point on , he began thinking ‘ every man to himself ’ , very much katherine pierce from the vampire diaries mind . he does what he does to survive and he doesn’t care who he has to knock down . no one ever cared for him , he stopped caring for people – that’s that .

it took everything ( like dead ass everything ) , to convince the judge not to put aleks in a group home . he was , thankfully , placed in another foster home , but with much higher restrictions than his last . it was school and back , the doors were locked at 9 pm , bedroom doors included , windows sealed shut .... just bad , but it beat being in juvie , so again , he told himself ‘ it is what is it ’

began acting the fuck out . new home , new school , he became the bad kid your parents warned you about , begged you not to hang out with . skipping class , a nasty smoking habit , talking back to the teachers – he actually stopped giving a fuck , and his behavior just worsened as time went on . despite his own birth mother being a drug addict , he did the same shit . he turned to drugs , alcohol , and violence , mostly . hanging with the wrong crowd , slick ass mouth , not afraid to punch someone , on some illegal shit , but , he became very street smart and learned to keep his shit ‘ low key ’ as he called it , really .... just not getting caught . he was barely barely passing school , just enough so his ( current ) foster parents wouldn’t bug him about shit . eventually moved to another home without as many restrictions and decent living , really , really just tried to keep a low profile all while doing hood rat shit on the low #hannahmontanawho?

! drug abuse and drug mentions tw for the next three bullets ! he really , really began to rely heavily on drugs and alcohol . started off with weed , but escalated from there . adderall , xanax , oxy , coke , mdma , even ketamine ... really any drug you can think of , all tried by the time he was sixteen . his top three favorites quickly became coke , ketamine , and obviously weed . aleks thinks he has the whole situation under control , swears he’s become a master of deceit , but it’s only really a matter of time before shit catches up to you , right ?

he’s sixteen when him and a couple of his friends decide to drive to santa monica just for the fuck of it . they swear they’ll get him back in time , all with the idea to get really fucked up by the beach and go on an adventure . only problem is they get too fucked up and attract too much attention up to the point of getting caught . four teens running in different directions from the cops , high as fuck .... lovely tbh 🥴

again , you can kind of see where this is headed .... him and another guy were the unlucky ones , of course . aleks gets caught with only a joint on him , but tests positive for a bunch of drugs . it’s already his second offense too . he gets four days in juvie this time , drug counseling once he’s out . the only problem is no one really knows where he’s going to get placed after this , though he’s pretty sure it’ll be some high restriction group home , but very surprisingly , he’s wrong ! end of drug abuse and drug mentions tw !

the day he gets released from juvie is the day he meets a man named murphy peters , or my favorite person ever ( what aleks will soon come to think of him ) . murphy isn’t really too sure about taking him in until he gets told ‘ well if you don’t take him i guess i can just send him to a group home ’ . they just look at each other at that moment , aleks’ eyes filled with unshed tears , beat up and tired , and murphy turns back to the guy and legit says ‘ nah , don’t even bother . just a few weeks , right ? ’

he’s super shut down emotionally when arriving at his place . murphy is a single foster parent with an old , really friendly pitbull named pawly for company , no other foster kids in his apartment . being tossed around so much , aleks assumes it’ll only be a matter of time before he fucks up and gets sent somewhere else . that’s how it always seems to go down anyways , and he did only say a few weeks after all

but things take an unexpected turn for the better on the second day he’s there . three in the morning , he’s awake but the lights are turned off , pitch dark . he randomly hears murphy open the door and pretends to be asleep . a part of aleks feels like this might get dark very fast . after all , he lives alone . he’s a single foster parent , and aleks has lived through enough in the system to know how fucked up it is . the last thing he’s really expecting is for murphy to shake him roughly like ‘ wake up kid , wake up , i know you not really sleepin’ ! ’ so he kind of just sits up and turns on the light like um .... it’s like three am , and murphy is pacing back and forth around his room like ‘ aight , i figured it out , kid ! ’ and aleks is just like haha yeah cool ..... again , it’s three am

strangely enough , murphy starts telling him his life story , through and through and aleks can’t help but think how this old man he met two days ago figured all this shit out . it makes him angry that he’s apparently so transparent ( he’s really not , murphy is just next level ) . truth be told , he wants to swing at murphy , and he knows it’ll get him into deep shit , but he does it anyways . imagine his shock when this old man blocks his punch and manages to slam dunk him back onto his bed . he’s just like what the fuck aren’t you like eighty KVBFDJ

moral of the story is they get into an argument and aleks eventually tells him that the reason he’s so angry is because he ‘ can’t beat up everyone he hates , you included ’ ( half true , but definitely not the only reason he’s so pissed at the world ) , even more random when murphy is like ‘ i’m gonna teach you some healthy ways to let out that anger , be ready at ten am , kid ! ’ and aleks really thinks he’s making fun of him so he’s like ‘ yeah , okay .... fuck you old man ! ’ as murphy makes his way out

but ... he’s not talking shit ! ten am on the dot and he’s getting dragged to what he thinks is a gym , but it’s actually a dojo . he thinks murphy is talking out his ass when he tells him he’s going to teach him karate , and enroll him in boxing classes for the summer . he’s just wondering how this old solitary man is gonna even teach him good karate to begin with , but he soon learns that the old saying don’t judge a book by it’s cover is pretty much murphy to a t

he is right though . he starts boxing and karate and it does help him a lot ! he realizes how much doing these things gets his mind off everything . even though he’s basically ‘ fighting ’ it brings him a strange sense of peace , and surprisingly ? discipline too . he knows this whole thing is temporary but it still changes his mindset a lot . he mostly begins to focus on physical activity and becoming the best at what he’s doing rather than his old bad habits like drugs and alcohol , stealing , any type of petty crimes he used to commit . at the time he didn’t want to admit it , but murphy was definitely right . this was for sure helping him take out all the anger he has inside , all without doing things that could get him arrested

and him and murphy start to really bond too . they both like the same bands , they’re both aquarius’ , similar tastes in tv shows and movies , they both have nearly the same sense of humor , murphy was even a foster kid like him who out grew the system , but again , aleks really tries to not get attached because he knows he’s just being nice , but he really really starts to fuck with murphy . deep down in his head he’s like ‘ i kind of wish he was my dad ’ .... making me emo and shit smh

when school comes around , beginning of his junior year , he manages to convince everyone to let him drop out and get his ged . school really just isn’t for him and it never has been , being in a place with a bunch of other teens for like eight hours for five days a week gives him anxiety , just drains his social battery completely . he does drop out , but he’s pushed so roughly by murphy to get his ged , he manages to pass the test by late november , basically graduating over an entire year ahead of his actual class

and life seems to get better from there ! murphy eventually tells him he wants to make this a permanent thing . aleks gets so happy he actually bursts into tears 🥺

the entire process takes a lot longer than necessary though , especially with his record . in the beginning , they can’t find his actual birth certificate . his actual birth father , for some reason , refuses to sign away his parental rights at first ( aleks is like bro i literally hate you .... sign the fucking papers ) . kind of starts to seem like the whole universe is against him . every time the coast looks clear and it seems like they can go through with the adoption process , something happens and delays the entire thing . it actually takes him over a year until he finally gets legally adopted by murphy , when he’s seventeen . actually the happiest day of his life

things only seem to get even better from then on out . he gets his driver’s license , his tattoo artist license in california when he’s nineteen , starts working at an actual shop in venice beach when he’s almost twenty . he’s not the best at first , but not terrible . eventually , he becomes really really good though . he basically paints , listens to music and does a mixture of boxing and karate during his free time . he tattoos and pierces people for income , starts saving up because he really wants to drive down to mexico one day , with murphy in his rv . actually the road trip of his dreams !

but , remember when i said it kind of seems like the universe is against him ? 🥴

it’s february first of this year , four days before his twenty first birthday , and nine days before murphy’s , when him and murphy get into a fight . aleks can’t even recall what the fight was about , but he gets so angry , he takes murphy’s rv and drives to god knows where . he gets really drunk one night and starts doing a bunch of dumb shit , but his dumbest idea has to be stealing a backpack full of diamonds from these two guys . gets chased by them for a moment , but manages to get away , all while being told ‘ you’re gonna regret that shit so hard bro ! ’ . in his defense , he had no idea the backpack was filled with diamonds , he just liked the way it looked because it was a kipling ? he liked the little monkey keychain ? imagine his surprise when he opens the thing and see’s probably at least half a million dollars in diamonds . he’s just like wow that’s crazy .... i’m gonna drive back home right fucking now . four , almost five years of sobriety .... thrown down the toilet when he gets drunk , but he tells himself it was just a single slip up . that he’ll do better

he gets back home february sixth , the day after his birthday . spends his actual twenty first birthday passed out and hungover , asleep on the bed inside the rv . he tries walking past murphy as he’s outside wiping down his car , hoping he can just pass by him without being questioned , but of course he’s wrong . another fight in aleks’ eyes , but it’s really just murphy bitching and questioning him because he cares about him , because he’s obviously concerned that he’s been gone for the past five days , phone off and everything . it starts escalating until aleks eventually screams at him and tells him that he needs to ‘ stop pretending like he actually cares about him when all he feels towards him is pity ’ which , kind of just shows that he never really got over his trust issues and general trauma from being in the system . and there’s just a moment of silence before murphy is like ‘ i don’t know when you’re thick headed ass is gonna realize i’d take a bullet for you if it came down to it ’ and of course , aleks doesn’t believe him ! now fast forward to another half second of arguing until murphy’s words are actually put into action

! guns / shooting resulting in death and panic attack tw , please skip past this bullet if this triggers you ! they’re outside when a white van drives by , he can clearly hear an angry familiar voice shout ‘ i told you you were gonna regret this ! ’ , a gun pulling out from the window crack , and he gets so nervous he just freezes on the spot . he knows exactly who it is – it’s the guy he stole the backpack from like , two days ago . aleks knows what he’s going to do , but he can’t seem to move . he really thinks he’s going to die , until this man literally steps right in front of him , and , just like he stated not even a whole minute ago , actually takes a bullet for him . gets shot right in the chest , and by that time , all the neighbors are outside , calling the police . the area is too heated , so the van drives off quickly after missing the shot , no license plate or anything so it’ll be harder to identify who it was . you can imagine how traumatic this moment is for aleks , and the saddest part ? he really thinks murphy will somehow magically make it , like it’ll be some type of miracle all over the news and such – but he’s wrong . murphy bleeds out right in front of him , aleks doing everything in his power to try and stop his bleeding , but there’s really nothing else that can be done . the last two things murphy tells aleks is to ‘ please take care of all the clown paintings around the house ’ and ‘ never lose them , don’t let anyone take them , keep them no matter what ’ and he’s pretty much gone before he can tell aleks why . he gets so so nervous , he doesn’t know what it was at the time , but he starts having an actual panic attack . all his neighbors coming up to him like ‘ oh my god kid , are you okay ? ’ and trying to help the whole situation like ‘ help is coming right now ’ but it’s kind of like aleks can’t hear a word they’re saying ? like his heart is just beating so fast and he’s suddenly sweating so much and he can barely breathe . it’s like his body is there , but his soul , his mind ? gone , panicking , hyperventilating . everything from then on seems like a blur . getting told murphy’s dead in the hospital , which he definitely already knows . the police statement he gives , half there , half not . that day , it’s like a part of him vanished . he really was not the same ever since ! end of guns / shooting resulting in death and panic attack tw end !

he panics , hardcore . the first thing he does when he gets home is instantly take all his clothes , murphy’s computer , and general important things into the rv . he doesn’t know why murphy is so fixated on the clown paintings , but of course he grabs all twenty of them , he puts those in the rv as well , connects murphy’s car to the rv , and just starts to drive , far away from venice beach . like half a million dollars in diamonds inside a backpack on top of the passengers seat , too traumatized to stay in murphy’s apartment . he just starts to drive , with the intention of going to mexico , but then his dumb ass realizes he doesn’t have his passport on him . he keeps driving until he reaches san diego , and that’s the story of how he ends up in sunhollow

he genuinely doesn’t know what to do from that point on . he pawns the diamonds and purchases an rv site and gas /electric for nearly three years , so he doesn’t have to worry about about rent for a while . yes , he’s really just living in his damn rv because he doesn’t know what else to do and he terrified . he ends up in the rocks , the rougher part of sunhollow . for the first few days , he’s petrified , super afraid the guys who ended murphy are going to find him . thankfully , that doesn’t happen , but he’s still paranoid about it

he actually cries like a baby during murphy’s birthday on february tenth . if he was still here , he would be turning sixty . imagine how awful he feels , that his actual real last conversation with him was an argument .... he hates himself tbh

from that point on , all the progress he’s made gets flushed down the drain . the only positive thing about the whole thing is that he manages to get a job in this new city in half moon ink as a tattoo artist and piercer , with his prior experience . besides that , it’s all shit . he’s living in an rv , he doesn’t know what he’s doing or where he’s going with his life , he’s scared , and the worst part of all ? he starts abusing drugs and alcohol again , heavy this time . all his sobriety and hard work all these years ? completely gone

aleks really said ‘ fuck self love , we’re doing all the drugs ’ after murphy died . he’s just super not okay about it because he knows he’s gone because of him , because he couldn’t keep his damn sticky fingers to himself . he’s basically spiraling super hard now , and he knows wherever murphy is that he’s not happy with what he’s doing , but he can’t seem to stop . it’s like once he started using again , there was no going back

so he keeps doing hoodrat shit tbh ! his dumb ass ends up getting caught with resins of cocaine in a bag , on february twelve , literally on his birthday month . the offense wasn’t that bad because it was just coke residue , but it’s still basically a felony , and with his past record , he gets actual prison time . he was going to be in prison for a whole two months , originally three , but he got off lucky . however , with good behavior and community hours , he ends up in there for only a month , got out recently on march fifteenth . he’s doing community hours and getting drug tested by his p.o , he’s under house arrest too . he can be out between six am to six pm , but if he’s not right back in his trailer by six pm on the dot , well .... i think you can figure out what happens

he’s barely getting by really , known around town as trailer trash for obvious reasons , literally currently wearing a fucking ankle monitor . i don’t really think he cares about anything anymore ? like he’s just so done with it all . he didn’t even flinch when he got caught , didn’t try to run and willingly gave in ( which helped with his case but ) , like , that’s how done he is . genuinely didn’t care that he was going to actual prison . he just does not care . he’s barely living , one day at a time

i’m gonna end his backstory here , below are some headcanons !

headcanons

! drug abuse , suicidal and death thoughts tw ! this is kind of sad , but he’s reached a point in his life where he doesn’t really care if he lives or dies . in fact , he spends a lot of his time thinking about how he’s going to die , when , if it’ll be painful or not .... really really depressive and dark suicidal thoughts . the only thing is that despite everything he’s gone through , aleks doesn’t have it in him to actually commit suicide . he thinks about it constantly , thinks about getting run over by a car or drowning or shooting a damn bullet through his head , literally any type of death , but he would actually never pull through with it . he wants it to happen , but he doesn’t have it in him . this is a reason why he abuses drugs so much at this point . of course he likes the high , but in the back of his mind , he’s really really hoping he’ll take so much , it’ll kill him . that way if he dies , it won’t look intentional , just like your typical overdose . like , his heavy drug usage is literally a cry for help . he really doesn’t care if he takes it too far , he actually wants to take it too far always , but he never seems to overdose . he’s mixed a bunch of stuff before , but it just doesn’t happen ? in a way he feels he’s cursed , because he can’t even overdose and die properly . again , his idea of the universe being completely against him ! end of drug abuse , suicidal and death thoughts tw !

he actually .... doesn’t have a smart phone ! no bullshit , has some crap flip phone and a government phone he uses to speak to his p.o , that’s it . the only smart type of technology he really has is murphy’s 2018 mac book pro and a smart tv he has set in his rv . he rarely gets close to anyone , but on the rare occasion that he does , if they ask for his number , no bullshit , he gives them the number from pizza hut , has it memorized and all . you have to be really , really special for him to give you his number . the only people who really have his number are customers ( people he tattoos , and does piercings for ) like , that’s literally it . isn’t part of the gc ( the ic chat on discord ) , doesn’t have an instagram , twitter or any type of social media , actually old school as fuck , which is wild , considering he was born in 2000

he has a fuck ton of cds ! literally no one has cds anymore but he has so so so many . oasis , red hot chili peppers , my chemical romance , sleeping with sirens , arctic monkeys , yes , asking alexandria , the list goes on .... so many cds because this is really all he does in his rv . play a cd and start painting or sketching some tattoo ideas . he loves music a lot and considers it an escape , even though he doesn’t have a musical bone in his body and doesn’t play any type of instrument , but he just loves music so much , literally always listens to music no matter what he’s doing . his favorite band is oasis , murphy put him on that band . they’re favorite song was supersonic and they would listen to it together on repeat forever while driving , jamming to other oasis songs on the road as well . aleks listened to supersonic on repeat on the ride from venice beach to san diego . he cried the entire way .

he’s like ..... a kleptomaniac for real . he’ll walk into a clothing store with a large hoodie on , grab twenty different shirts , go into the dressing room , put on ten of those twenty shirts , slide his oversized hoodie on top , and walk right out . sometimes he won’t even have any real reason to steal stuff , he just does because he’s bored . will go into a store and take something he doesn’t even need , surprisingly has never been caught . very reckless of him considering his situation , but again , he just doesn’t care anymore . he spends a lot of his money on drugs , so he’ll steal basic necessities sometimes , like toilet paper , tooth paste , soap , shampoo and conditioner . the weirdest thing he steals hands down is like .... family pictures of people he doesn’t even know ? like it’s so weird , he’ll jack a wallet , take all the money , and realize there’s like a family picture in there , the wife , the husband , their kids , a dog . weird as fuck , but he takes the money and family picture and throws out the wallet ? again , super weird , but i think never really having a legit family and losing the one person he loved unconditionally who believed in him caused this ? he’s just like you know .... what let me live through the eyes of these people <3 super fucking strange , literally has a few pictures of random ass families he doesn’t even know at all just stuffed into his glove compartment , for no reason at all .... fucking weirdo tbh

another fun fact is he has hypermobile shoulders ( or double jointed shoulders ) . he realized this when getting handcuffed once , his arms behind his back . he thought to himself ‘ i feel i can bring my arms above my head to bring my handcuffs to the front without breaking my arms ’ surprise , surprise , he definitely could ! does that weird shit and brings his entire arms from the back to the front while holding them , he said undercover contortionist here !

this is a wild headcanon , but remember those twenty clown paintings murphy insisted aleks never get rid of ? entire story behind those things . so murphy ? actually won the powerball in 2015 . no lie , magically got all numbers right , won 238 million . with federal withholding and taxes and all ? still left murphy with a stacking 101 million dollars . he spent less than half , leaving him with exactly 64 million dollars . now you would expect him to start living a glamorous life after that right ? well wrong ! he remained humble as ever, bought an rv and the car he wanted , payed off his bills , donated some money to charity , but continued living in his hood ass apartment in venice beach , kept quiet about the entire thing , never told a single soul . he’s the type of old school guy that would rather keep his money under his mattress rather than in a bank , doesn’t trust banks , only had a debit card because it was absolutely necessary , and a credit card he never really used , really just to build decent credit . he knew he couldn’t empty his entire account in one go , so he emptied it , little by little , gradually with time , until he eventually had all 64 million dollars in cash , all one hundred dollar bills . he knew he couldn’t store the money in a duffel bag like an idiot , so what did this man do ? literally .... put the money inside the paintings . no lie , inside the paintings . he knew no one would ever wanna steal a hideous clown painting , he was smart about it . each painting is stored with 3.2 million dollars inside , all one hundred dollar bills , meaning each painting carries exactly 32,000 one hundred dollar bills inside , tightly packed together so they all fit , wrapped and all . now really , really stop to think about this ..... aleks ? actually has 64 million god damn dollars inside his rv , stored inside those hideous clown paintings , and the most wild part ? he has absolutely no idea at all . to him , they’re just ugly ass clown paintings that weigh a ton ( because they’re stuffed with money , aleks ! ) . crazy , right ? everyone in sunhollow thinking he’s dirt poor trailer trash , without a nickel to his name . shit , he thinks the same thing too ! positive he’s gonna die broke as fuck and alone , but little does he know ? man is carrying 64 million in his shitty rv , and he has absolutely no fucking clue at all . definitely going to accidentally find out one day ( but that calls for a future self para tbh )

murphy had no intentions of spending all the money on himself , planned to donate the other half and spend the rest living his final days in santo domingo , dominican republic ( literally .... that’s how humble this man is ) . around that time is when he started fostering aleks though , and after the first few months with him , he knew , right away , that he was going to give that money to him one day . didn’t tell him about it because he knew it would freak him out and he wouldn’t stop asking about it , but he knew all that money would be his . stored it all away in those terrible clown paintings , specifically because he knew no one would suspect a thing . wanted to tell him about it , but passed away before he could . aleks still doesn’t know what’s in those paintings , has them stacked away somewhere because he thinks they’re so ugly , but would never throw them away because it was murphy’s last wish . the day he finds out what they actually have inside though ? his life will do a whole 360 . again , i’m gonna work into that though

people just think he’s trailer trash tbh and he does nothing to prove them wrong . i think his reputation just follows him around . lots of people don’t bother to get to know him and he doesn’t really bother to get to know people . he’s a big ass loner , spends nearly every single day alone minus when he’s at the tattoo shop . lots of people are really intimidated by him , especially with all the rumors about him , and that fucking ankle monitor tbh , but he doesn’t care , doesn’t do anything to try and stop what people think . he’s like if people wanna think i’m trailer trash whatever i don’t care , and he really , really doesn’t

he’s actually kind of a low key hoe ? bisexual as fuck and will hook up with just about anyone . it’s wild though because he’ll fuck you and kind of just disappear ? half the time he doesn’t even do it on purpose , he’ll kind of just dip without giving you his phone number or even wait for you to wake up . like you’ll maybe wanna make breakfast for both you guys , but you look to the other side of your bed and he’s no longer there . no phone number , no way of contacting him , kind of just a ghost . he never let’s people come over to his place ever ( because .... rv tbh ) so it’s not like there’s any way you can really see him again if you wanted to . unless you randomly see him somewhere , but odds are he’ll disappear into the background before you even really get a chance to talk to him . gives him this asshole reputation , but the truth is he just doesn’t want people getting too close to him out of fear that they’ll abandon him . you’ll think you’re starting a lovely friendship with him or even just a great hook up and he’ll randomly just ghost for like six months 🥴 never see him again type shit

he actually .... doesn’t really like being touched at all ? it’s weird because he likes sex a lot and doesn’t mind being touched everywhere in that moment during the heat of it , but like let’s say afterwards maybe you wanna cuddle ? you wanna greet him with a hug ? a little kiss on the cheek ? he’s not comfortable with that . he doesn’t mean to be an ass about it , but he actually physically cringes when someone just greets him with a random hug without any type of warning . will literally push you away and be like ‘ please don’t touch me again ’ . maybe this has to due with his childhood in general but like .... do not greet him with a random hug or kiss on the cheek ever because he will literally disappear so fast , push you away so quickly . if he initiates it , sure , but if it’s just random from the other party , he’s not gucci with it . i think if he finds someone he actually really cares about and vibes with he would be okay with physical affection ( example , he let murphy hug him all the time ) , but like let’s say he just meets you and you wanna go in for a friendly hug ? he’s gonna take like three steps back . makes him look like an asshole , but he really can’t help it . he doesn’t like being thrown off guard like that , strangely feels like he doesn’t have control of the situation ? he’s super weird tbh . he’s fine with a fist bump , or a quick handshake though

he hates mind games ! hates them . he’s definitely not the type of guy you can give a million hints to and he’s fine just figuring them out and going along with it . he doesn’t like indirect people who say one thing but mean something else and say this with hopes that you ‘ catch on ’ , he hates that difficult shit . he will catch onto every single hint you send , know exactly what you want too , but he’s not going to do anything about it . he wants someone who can be blunt and upfront with him , someone who knows what they want and shouts it to the world , someone who will tell him what they want from the start , no sugar coating , no beating around the bush , no mind games or backwards flirting . he’s a very blunt person , will tell you what he wants right off the bat without even blinking , doesn’t believe in the will they/won’t they bullshit . you’re either upfront and straight up with him , or you can play those mindgames for like , fifteen minutes with him before he ghosts you quick as fuck . like you want him to be super unattracted to you ? play mind games with him , beat around the bush , and hint at stuff while never directly telling him what you want . watch you never hear from him ever again tbh

he actually did half the tattoos he has . he’s become a very skilled artist , really good at sketching , painting , anything involving art with his hands . it’s relaxing to him . he hasn’t done any type of boxing or karate since murphy died , but he can very easily pick up from where he left off . he has a black belt , very good at both things , but has been avoiding it since the whole thing with murphy went down

he actually has undiagnosed bipolar disorder and even ptsd , especially from that bullet . he doesn’t really know this , but even just the sound of a gun going off can trigger him , take him back to murphy’s backyard , blood everywhere . it’s never happened to him before thankfully , but it’s a possible idea for a future thread or even self para . he has ptsd over lots of things that happened in his childhood and teen years , but a gun shot would probably really trigger him . for his bipolar disorder , he has a mixture of both manic and depressive episodes , but mostly manic ones . he’ll be awake for an entire week and not even really feel tired , fake elevated happiness , but it’s hard for him to notice he even has a problem with how heavily he abuses drugs . being high all the time never gives his brain a moment to think

literally getting drug tested every other week , but he’s still doing drugs ? he’s currently barely smoking weed because he knows that stays in your system forever , but drugs that flush out in just a couple of days or don’t even show up ? he’s all for it ! catch him with niacin , cranberry pills and juice , and cleansing pills like , two days prior . he hasn’t failed a drug test yet but he’s still doing drugs . actual dumb ass criminal mastermind ? like .... the lengths he’ll go to get high but not get caught ..... go to fucking therapy and rehab aleks holy fuck

murphy’s old pitbull ended up dying at seventeen years old , in 2018 ! no one thought he would make it for so long , but little guy did . aleks still remembers the pitbull , has a little pitbull small tattoo somewhere on his right arm in honor of this dog . his name was pawly

despite the fact that he hasn’t spoken norwegian in over a decade ( last time with his sister ) , he still vividly remembers it , since it was basically his first language . like , he claims he doesn’t remember it anymore , claims he forgot , but if someone just randomly starts speaking norwegian , his brain would instantly put all the words together and he would start speaking back fluently . you can’t forget what you fully learned , aleks !

a part of him wants to reconnect with his sister . he hasn’t seen her in over a decade , has no clue where she’s at , if she ever got adopted or if she’s even alive at this point . he really wants to find her but doesn’t know where to start ? little does he know she’s literally living in sunhollow too ( shoutout to aurora thorsen sparks )

really , really wants to be a vegetarian , later on a vegan ! he loves animals so much , has seen so many documentaries where he knows fucking animal slaughterhouses and meat is like the number one cause of the green house effect ( especially slaughter houses , watch cowspiracy on netflix to get an idea ) , but he’s a broke ass bitch right now and just eats whatever , when he’s even hungry . he always tells himself that if he ever has money ( HAHAHA LITTLE DO YOU KNOW ALEKS ) that he’s definitely going to become a big ass vegan . loves cows so much , would dead ass go ‘ moo ’ if he were to ever meet one and would probably be upset if they don’t moo back at him 🤡

he has never left california , literally ever . he’s been nearly all around cali , but has never left , not even to another state – it’s legit all he knows . he really , really wants to travel , take a road trip down to mexico ( literally even knows some okay spanish from being friends with so many mexicans and central and south americans ) like , he just really wants to go anywhere . he’d like to visit his parents’ hometown , a little town in norway named stavanger . he wants to go all around south america , buenos aires , rio de janeiro , lima , he just wants to go places and see life from outside the shithole he’s been stuck in since forever , and one day he will do it ( when he finally finds that fucking money damn ) . if he could choose to live anywhere , he would probably wanna go to his family roots , in norway . he already speaks the language so it should be fairly easy ( kind of wild how he wants to do all this yet he wants to die at the same time .... sad boi hours tbh )

may not look like it , but he really can kick your ass if he wants to ( that karate / boxing in him be like 😜 ) . if you see him from far , he looks like a little soft angel ( baby face that will never go away ngl ) but don’t let his physical appearance fool you ! he will dead ass high kick someone in the face if he has to , no remorse . he isn’t as violent anymore compared to when he was a teen , but if he feels like he’s going to be attacked or feels like you genuinely want to physically hurt him , he won’t hesitate to fuck you up

even though he’s grown a tougher shell over the years , he’s very low key still a softy . deep down inside , he’s still that little kid that would cry whenever people were mean to him . he can be very sensitive and compassionate ..... but on the inside . obviously he no longer bursts into tears like he used to as a little kid , but contrary to popular belief , if you really get to know him , he’s soft . shows with how much he loves animals , and it’s weird because he doesn’t like being touched unexpectedly , looks like a bad ass and acts like one , but deep down ? soft ass heart , too soft for this world , needs to find the right person to actually connect with and cuddle gdi

he has the tiniest little scar , right below his right eye , where kyle decked him ( left handed punch ) . it’s really barely even noticeable , and lots of people who have short conversations with him won’t even realize . if you’re talking to him for a while , and really admire his face though , you’ll notice it . again , not a huge scar , not super prominent , really blends in with his skin , and usually something most people miss , but it’s there

i’m gonna end this here because this is long and i’m going to leave connections to brain storming , but below is his birthchart !

#hqclique.intro #foster care system tw #violence tw #injury tw #death tw #guns tw #shooting tw #suicidal thoughts tw #alcohol abuse tw #drug abuse tw #blood mention tw #i feel this deserves sooo many tws #lmk if i'm missing one!!#this took me an embarrassing amount of time tbh i'm so ashamed damn #( queuekachu ! )#mental illness tw

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inquisitive-mess · 4 years

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This is a continuation to this post since I want expand upon it on it. I’m going go full detail on how Anne(Ann) transformation happen and what this cause her. And I like to thank @thenicestnonbinary for inspiration and help.

Most of her life(past and current) Ann was bought up to stay composed and show no weaknesses. Despite seeing her friends dying front of her eyes, watched people rise and fall due to power/greed, and close to death door; She remind calm and only revealed her feels to who she was close to(her husband, children, and her sister, Cathy). It’s when she got reincarnated to modern time when her troubles began. Her being reincarnated into adolescent and not knowing anything about the times made her a easy target to a horrible caretaker who did everything in their power to make her feel like crap. After so many years of neglect and verbally abused, she was free from that place, but it cost her emotional state to be damaged a little. No matter how much she try to forget all of the negative thoughts she heard and abuse she dealt with, she can still hear them every once in a while, but she was able to block them out and had some help with her support stuff animal friend, Vincent. It also didn’t help that she was working a toxic environment, where she felt like she was back in 1500′s, to help pay for university.

As time passed, her emotional state started to crumb little by little, but she continue to hide it from everyone, ever thought it was straining her physical . It last until she got her current job that her life changed. She was able start healing from her past experiences and the whispers slowly turn silent. When she learn the queens return, she was so happy and couldn’t wait to see them, but stopped herself when she saw picture of them smiles and laughing on their social media page. As she was looking through their page at the multiple of pictures, she slowly begin think on her past life and flashbacks of their death appeared, but shook it off as she didn’t want this to effect her. She was happy for them, because their past life wasn’t good and they need this. She decide to leave them alone because their happiness was more important than her own and she doesn’t want to ruin what have going on. This of course cause the whispers to come back with the addition of her guilt from her past life returning and her emotional state to begin cracking again, which started her steps to her transformation.

As days goes by, she continue with her life as her emotional and physical state was slowly breaking her due to her guilt and past abuse. She try to fight it everyday, but it started to affect her work and she decide to closed her shop, until she can figure out what going on. As she about to lock up her shop, she overheard two people walking behind her talking about Six. She stop for a bit and this made her little happy inside, but her happiness stop when they mention LiW band members and one asked why Anne(herself) wasn’t part it due to her serving all the queen. When she heard the other answer, this made her very sick and went back into her shop. She lock the door and try to collect herself. She started to get light headed and decide to head to her work area, so she can take a seat. As she was doing that, her vision started to get blurry and she stop dead in her track when she heard a booming voice. Anne turn around and look everywhere to see where it came from, but saw nothing. She turn back when she saw a full shadowy figure with half a face appear in front for her. She back up out of surprised and figure laughed at her

They started to saying all of the things she been told throughout her time in orphanage, like call her name, putting her down, and saying she not wanted. She talk back to the figure telling it that wasn’t true, but figure chuckled a bit and ask her if that was true, then why doesn’t she have any friends and why is she all alone. Before she can answer, they told her that it’s because she really was a horrible person and no better than those corrupted, heartless, power hungry courtier all those years ago. This struck her a bit and she started to shaking from it. The figure smiled at her reaction and went on explaining why. They talk about all of her regrets she withhold for so long, how she disguise her to be this innocent lady to only betray them by not saying to protect them, and her advises was nothing but toxins that ruins people lives. Anne try her best to block all the words out and end up falling on her knees due to the pressure. The figure stop for bit look at state she was in and finally said with the giant grin that she was reason for most of her friends deaths. This complete destroy her emotionally and physically. Then they said that she the reason for Boleyn’s, Howard’s, and Askew’s deaths and how she could stop it, if she actually cared and got involved; How she could help Aragon and Cleves out, so they wouldn’t be discarded and died alone; Helped Jane out more, so her death was less painful; And how she let and approved her sister to marry that horrible monster of a man to die giving that man a child. Anne did nothing, but listened to what was they said, took in everything her heard, broke down, and admit that they was right about everything.

This was trigger that started her transformation and her whole body suddenly burst into pain. It started with hands as they were breaking, nail changing to black and shaping into claws, As her hands slowly shaping into something paw like, a voice rang in her head “Mija, I can’t believe you let him hurt me and sent me away. Your mother would have been disappointed in you.” Her forehead then begin to form four bulbs on it and felt something sharp underneath them. She grab her head with her deform paws, fell on her side, closed her eyes, and try to block out the pain. While she try blocking out the pain, two other voices rang “You let them kill me, petite merde. How could you let that happen? I though we were friend or was that a lie too.” “ I shouldn’t have trust you. You let them killed a child and let me get hurt again. You’re suppose to protect me and be my friend. I should of gave my jewels to someone else.” The pain increase as her arms, legs, and chest was reforming her body to a quadruped creature and increase in muscle mass. She started to cry some more as the pain was too much and try to call for help, but couldn’t say anything due to her mouth was reshaping itself to increase her fangs and addition of new ones. The bulbs soon burst and four horns begin to grow out of it. This freak her out and new voice rang “ Why did they let you be part of my funeral and watch my son be baptizes? You heathen. You let my son grow up without his mother and it all your fault.” She couldn’t understand why this was happening and try again to ask for help, but this time the figure intervene. They grab her by the neck, told her that she has no right to ask for anything, and should feel what the others felt. And with that, the figure soon took away her voice, let go of her, and new one rang “Look like you got what you deserved. After all, you didn’t use your voice to stop those courtier making fun of me, so why should you still have it, Hündin.” Her transform still continue as her feet destroy her shoes and turn into paw, small deep orange brown hair begin to grown, and her hands completely turn into paws.

She though she was over when a large jolt of pain shot up her spine and felt huge pressure on her shoulder blades and tail bone. She got on all fours and felt everything building up even more to the point where she had no choice and clawed her clothes off with two new voices. “It’s your fault I died Ann. You didn’t say anything, you let them torture me. Honestly, sometimes I regret burning in your place. It should’ve been you instead.” “Ann, why didn’t you help me? Why did you let him find me? I never wanted to be queen, but you said nothing even as he demanded my hand. Why didn’t you say anything?” When she did that, the pressure on her shoulder blade release itself and wings came out of it, her tail bone spread out revealing a scorpion tail forming, and spike and needles begin to sprout all over her body. All she can do is cry, heard all of voices continue to haunting her, and enduring the pain that was still happening for her. Her tail fully developed, wings was completely spread out, fur cover her body, spikes and needles in full display, and her whole head reconstructed itself to resemble a loin with ears matching it. The transform was completed.

Once she was done, she open her eyes, readjusted herself to her new heighten senses, walk to her area which had many monitors, and looked at her form on the reflection of them. The figure appear behind her only smiling and said before disappearing that she finally in her true self and won’t be able to hide it anymore. Once they disappear, Ann sat down, put one of her paws on nearby monitor screen, and look down in defeat accepting that this is who she truly is.

She deserved to be all alone in this world.

#six the musical #six oc #Sixtended verse #Ann Parr #six monster au #monster au #manticore!ann #monster!ann #hope this explain it better

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demonologist-in-denim · 5 years

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TV Tropes and Crowley

There are plenty of narrative and character development tropes which could be ascribed to Crowley, especially after the cure-than-wasn’t at the end of the eight season of Supernatural.

During the final hours of the cure, with his soul on the verge of mending and his humanity being restored, Crowley experiences a Personal Horror (a trope in which a character is forced to see the horror of themselves and suffers from an alienation of self). His speech about deserving to be loved is its own variant on the Villainous Black Screen of Death (the heroes force a conscience on the villain and he suffers from the sudden overload of emotion and imposed morality). Though Crowley’s Oh God, What Have I Done (realizing the extent of the damage done) moment happens in between scenes, there is no doubt that it occurs, considering his questions to Sam about seeking forgiveness.

He might have had something resembling a Heel Realization (in which a character realizes they are a villain). Before the cure, Crowley was Neutral Evil (evil that serves only their own self-interests), and wasn’t interested in moral labels or concepts, only his own survival and advancement. The shock of the cure and sudden empathy – which requires some sense of the common good and thus morality – might have therefore led him to a version of a Heel Realization. It certainly resulted in Tears of Remorse in the form of a patented Winchester Single Man-Tear.

After the cure, Crowley was never again a typical Villain (surely no explanation needed), but rather found a balance between being an Anti-Villain (a character whose end goals are good – saving the world – but whose methods are monstrous or a character who is ultimately selfish, but will still do the right thing from time to time) and a Noble Demon (a villain who is noble, possesses a code of honor, fears being perceived as having “gone soft,” will save the hero from time to time, but still does monstrous things for their own ends).

It is increasingly obvious in the later seasons that Crowley no longer relishes his role as King of Hell, in the acquisition and torture of souls, or even in being a demon. He becomes a Tragic Villain (a villain that is aware that they are evil, but does not take – or no longer takes – pleasure in their evil deeds, even resenting being forced into the role of the villain). Damned to a hell of his own making by his past misdeeds and blood-born conscience, Crowley is also Trapped in Villainy (in which a reformed villain is unable to break away from the darkness due to external forces) out of fear that all of Hell will come after him should he abdicate. He also fears the loss of his amassed demonic power through Redemption Demotion (the lessening of the reformed villain’s powers to avoid ousting the heroes.)

Crowley suppressed his growing desire for human connection and redemption by considering himself beyond saving, declaring in his own way I’ve Come Too Far for there to be a way out of the dark. He may have felt this way both in that he was Beyond Redemption (where the hero – hello, Winchesters – declared the villain not worth saving), and succumbed to Sunk Cost Fallacy, believing that having damned himself and amassed all this power, he might as well use it for some semblance of good by keeping the demons in line and the world from ending - or else it’s all been for nothing.

And he certainly made (discreet) attempts at playing the role of the Noble Demon. In Season 9, Even though Crowley had self-interested reasons for turning Dean into a demon (other than, you know, saving him from death), he still empathized with Dean’s exhibited self-hatred as a demon. Demon!Dean avoids his own What Have I Become? moment (a post-human panic when a character is made less than human by becoming a monster or supernatural being), but Crowley surely knew Dean was suffering in becoming the thing the Winchesters had always hated and hunted. Saving Castiel in Season 9, attempting to stop Ramiel, hunting the Hellhound with the boys, fighting Lucifer – over and over throughout the later seasons, Crowley proved himself when there was A Friend In Need (in this case, the anti-villain or noble demon helps the hero, even though it might cost them).

Crowley’s relationship with his mother, Rowena, was understandably fraught with tension and complicated emotions. Had she not been so manipulative and self-serving in the beginning, it might have been a case of Even Bad Men Love Their Mamas (villains having a soft spot for their mothers), considering how desperate Crowley was for human connection and affection. Rowena’s abusive ways instead resulted in a Villainous Mother-Son Duo (a villainous mother uses her son as a pawn to further her own ambitions, is often verbally abusive, and the son often plots his mother’s demise).

What Crowley ultimately develops with the Winchesters and their angel is the relationship of True Companions (a found family of characters that may not like each other initially, but come to rely upon each other, with a bond deeper than friendship but not necessarily romantic). Teeth-Clenched Teamwork (enemies or former enemies being forced to team up for a common goal) eventually gave way to a Fire-Forged Friendship (enemies or strangers becoming fast friends through a shared experience of strife), particularly with Dean. By the end of Season 12, Crowley was on the verge of becoming One Of The Boys.

At the core of Crowley’s struggle was the reality that Hope is Scary (a character’s emotional numbness dissolves, allowing hope to be restored, but with it, the fear of loss and pain). What Crowley wanted – human connection, emotional depth, a fulfilling purpose – were all possibilities. Perhaps he could have made amends. Perhaps the Winchesters would have accepted him as one of them, given Crowley their trust and friendship. Perhaps he didn’t have to be a monster any longer. He could strive to be a better version of himself. But there was also the very real possibility that he would be rejected by the Winchesters, that he couldn’t become that better version. Crowley feared he might attempt redemption, only to realize he would never be worthy of it.

His fear of never being worthy or forgiven were confirmed by Sam’s Heel-Face Door-Slam (the villain attempts or openly desires redemption, only to be brutally rejected by the hero) in Season 10. In the face of this rejection, Crowley chose Then Let Me Be Evil (after being ascribed the label of evil by the hero, a character defiantly embraces that fate). And that might have been the end of Crowley’s road to redemption.

Instead, Crowley became the Friendly Enemy (a villain who shares significant emotional experiences with a hero, forming a lasting and profound connection that surpasses their initial hostilities). Crowley and the Winchesters often employed Enemy Mine (previous enemies or lesser rivals join forces against a greater threat) as a rational for this arrangement, and Crowley often got the shaft as The Friend Nobody Likes (just what it says; Crowley falls into the “Care” subset of this trope). Crowley’s continued involvement with the Winchesters could have be due to a Villainous Crush (a villain has secret romantic feelings for a hero). He hid his growing admiration and affection for the Winchesters and their angel through Insults of Endearment (Moose and Squirrel, respectively), and was unequivocally on the verge of a Face Realization (a character realizes they are no longer the villain they had been) and committing to a full Heel-Face Turn (a former villain openly joining the heroes).

So why didn’t that happen for Crowley? Because for some characters, Redemption Equals Death (redemption comes at the cost of one’s life). To make amends for his actions, save the world, spit in the eye of Lucifer, and finally earn the respect of the Winchesters, Crowley sacrificed himself at the end of Season 12. In an unusual pairing, Redemption Equals Death for Crowley was also paired with Death Equals Redemption (a character’s death redeems them in the eyes of other characters), in that the Winchesters spoke well of Crowley after his death, even including him in a prayer for restoration.

Crowley’s death was characterized by the Villain’s Dying Grace (a dying villain choses to commit a final good act, often saving the hero or the world), in that he died believing he was saving the world, protecting the Winchesters, sealing the rift, and locking Lucifer away forever in an apocalyptical alternative universe. He Faced Death With Dignity (a character takes control over their own death, faces it with dignity, and gives meaning to their final moments), even offering the Winchesters and Lucifer a final Dying Smirk (proving to have the upper hand even in dying) – even when I lose, I win.

Redemption Equals Death is a lousy trope. And lazy writing. Actual redemption is a long, hard road that involves emotionally difficult work, repairing relationships, shifting personal values, making amends. Living with what one has done, and attempting to be a better version of one’s self, is much more difficult – and much more fulfilling – than making a grand gesture and then escaping into death. Supernatural surely had its reasons for Crowley’s character arch culminating in Redemption Equals Death – Seasons 14 and 15 could be used to make the argument that Chuck was already having a hard time with Castiel being one of the boys, and didn’t want to add Crowley to the Band of Brothers (a group of people dedicated to each other before all other considerations). Death, however, wasn’t the only option for this reformed Villain.

Working with the Winchesters to close the Gates of Hell and join Team Free Will on a more open, permanent basis, Crowley could have transitioned from a Friendly Enemy into the Token Evil Teammate (serves as an amoral balance to the heroes, willing to perform unpleasant-if-practical tasks to save the world, and often employs snarkiness). In saving souls rather than damning them, and through the Power of Friendship (having friends makes you stronger than you are alone), Crowley might have discovered that being Good Feels Good (acting morally has its own emotional and social benefits). And he could have actively prevented the Winchesters from falling further into the trap of He Who Fights Monsters (a hero becoming the monster they seek to destroy through close association or behavior). Given his massive reserves of influence, expertise, finances and resources, Crowley most likely would have received a Redemption Promotion (an ineffectual villain discovers they are an extremely effective hero), earning his place among the Winchester’s Band of Brothers and reinforcing Good Feels Good.

That’s not to say that it would have been easy, or without complications. There would certainly have been some cases of Reformed, But Rejected (heroes refuse to believe the sincerity of a villain’s redemption arc). There may have been a case of the Enemy Within (a hero carries evil within themselves, which can rise up to control or influence them), as Crowley’s demonic nature clashed with his developing humanity. He might have worried about reverting to his more demonic self, and given Dean instructions to end him before that happens, as he would be better off Dying As Yourself (a final moment of control or being the good self before the corruption or evil takes over) - which Dean would gruffly refuse with Don’t Say Such Stupid Things (harsh reassurance of worth and affection). Crowley might have perceived his increasing humanity, and potentially the necessity of completing the cure, as Redemption Equals Affliction (villain is redeemed but suffers a meaningful loss to earn that redemption). After all, every one of the Winchester’s Band of Brothers suffer from some emotional anguish. In the end, it wouldn’t have mattered if Crowley became human or stayed a demon, so long as he was family, receiving the time-honored You Are Better Than You Think You Are (reassurance from other characters that one is good and making a significant attempt to be or remain good) from his True Companions - preferably in a Winchester-esque Chick Flick Moment.

As One of the Boys, Crowley could have been a gruff, snarky Atoner (a reformed Villain on a path of redemption, motivated by guilt and the desire to make the world – and themselves – better, and to utilize their powers and resources for good), combined with The Snark Knight (the world-weary, embittered, overly-intelligent and anti-social hero). Crowley may have chosen the path of the Ascended Demon (a reformed demon seeking the restoration of humanity) in obtaining the full restoration of his soul or his human nature. As an Ascended Demon (I prefer the term “risen” for Supernatural, to counterbalance angels “falling”), Crowley might even have decided to hunt down and kill – or cure – other demons. Regardless of how Crowley himself would have eventually come to define his own redemption and his place among the Winchesters, he would have stumbled headlong into being counted among The Fettered (those that believe in and serve a certain set of ideals or a moral code), committed to The Family Business of saving people and hunting things – if on his own terms and with the requisite amount of snark.

#crowley #tv tropes #crowley deserved better #dispatches from the crossroads #happy Sulphur Saturday

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mintedwitcher · 5 years

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Snape sacrificed himself to save the life of his abusers son. He redeemed himself . I hope he is happy and has found love in the afterlife.

Lmao

Snape wasnt capable of sacrifice. Or love. And James certainly wasnt his abuser.

Snape willfully, voluntarily, joined the death eaters and stayed with them for years. He turned tail like the coward he was because voldy decided to kill lily potter instead of alice longbottom. He still had to be blackmailed into staying on the light side after lily died. He willingly, knowingly, abused CHILDREN for ALMOST TWO DECADES, protected and enabled by dumbledore, for NO REASON. He emotionally, verbally, and - in Harry's case - mentally abused his students for absolutely no reason. (And no, being a victim of bullying 20 years ago is not a reason).

Snape was a grown ass man who used his position of authority to torment children so badly that Neville Longbottom's fucking Boggart took Snape's form. This fourteen year old child, whose parents were tortured into insanity by death eaters, was more afraid of his goddamn TEACHER.

Snape wasnt a hero. He wasnt a good man. He wasnt even a morally grey character. He was a coward, an incel, a death eater, and an abuser. And I dont stand for that shit here.

And I also dont stand for people slandering James "faced down the dark lord unarmed and alone to give my wife and child time to escape" Potter.

#anti snape #this is the dumbest ask #hp #james potter defence squad #asks #anon

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ourcollectivefantasy · 4 years

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What does your muse think of their own parents?

Oh man. I don’t even know how to answer this one in a short way. His father needs a 5 page paper, and his mother would need an entire college course spanning a semester. Here’s my agonizingly short attempt at describing “it’s complicated.”

Iloam’s mother was his abuser from birth until he ran away at 13. Sexually, verbally, physically, emotionally - the whole gamut. As much as she hated him, her scapegoating him for every single problem that befell their family, also created a reliance on him and she needed to be the ONLY thing in his world. She hunted him (and his brother, whom he kidnapped) for the rest of his life and has maimed, tortured, and killed people he loves to get to him.

Iloam’s relationship to his mother is twisted. He fears her and hates her, but also craves her acceptance and love. He feels connected to her and can’t let her go - or accept that she should be put to death for her crimes. He also feels shame and guilt about her, because he can’t just hate her likes he feels he’s supposed to.

These days there’s an added wrinkle of care taking, as the compromise ‘punishment’ he arranged with Jericho and Aelberyn was rather than kill her, they gave her Magic Alzheimer's and wiped her memories, destroyed her soul stones, nulled her magic, etc. She’s just a forgetful, weird old crone that burns the scones at a little seaside cafe on a small island now. He checks in on her more than he tells anyone, even his family. More guilt and shame for the pile!

He is 100% cycling through the stages of grief for her, even though she is still technically alive.

Iloam’s father is complicated, but only slightly less so, I guess?! He was complicit in Iloam’s abuse throughout his childhood - and Iloam ended up more angry at his father for that than his mother for doing it. His father also ‘gave up’ on Iloam not being the son he wanted and put his energy into doting on Iloam’s younger brother, Kieran, who was. Jealousy, rage... they butted heads often and intensely and Iloam’s father had little love for his oldest son. Iloam can count on one hand the times he felt like his father mildly liked him, and even then it’s a guess. He felt abandoned by his father, and left to suffer at the hands of his mother and her demons.

The relationship gets even more complicated as Iloam murdered his father (strangled him & held his head under water and before cutting it off) in an attempt to win his mother’s favor (its a whole story, trust) the morning before he kidnapped his little brother and ran away.

For a long time Iloam wasn’t as angry as he is now at Daigh, but after becoming a father himself, he’s reviewed his memories not from the perspective of a young child but from a Dad’s perspective. These days, he’s even more angry at his father, as he no longer believes it was possible his Dad didn’t know the extent of the abuse and trauma he was suffering.

thanks @kerneus

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drunkcnsunlight · 4 years

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Introduction to Theon Greyjoy

“Theon.... Theon....” The old gods. They know me. They know my name. I was Theon of House Greyjoy. I was a ward of Eddard Stark, a friend and brother to his children. “Please.... A sword, that’s all I ask. Let me die as Theon, not as Reek..... I WAS IRONBORN. A son.... a son of Pyke, of the islands.”

[Look who just woke up- is that ALFIE ALLEN? No, I must have been mistaken, that’s THEON GREYJOY from GAME OF THRONES. I heard he is 27 and stuck here just like everyone else. Even in the 20’s, they still give off a WAVES CRASHING, SNOW FALLING, MORAL REDEMPTION impression. They’re known to be quite LOYAL, but have a tendency to be ANXIOUS on their bad days. (alissa, 22, she/her/hers, est)]

Gender/Pronouns:

Cisgender male with he/him/his pronouns.

Theon experiences a substantial amount of gender and body dysphoria, given that he spent all of his life being emasculated by those around him, and he was dismembered during a lengthy torture and imprisonment.

How long have they been in Sydney?:

As far as Theon remembers, he has been in Sydney for three years.

Job:

Theon works as a nurse at the Sydney Hospital. One of his closest coworkers is a woman who used to be his queen, during his time in Westeros, Daenerys Targaryen.

While he often struggles with the graphic natures of the cases that he is presented with in the context of his job, Theon is determined to serve as a positive figure in people’s lives. He sees his profession as a chance for him to heal, and to do good for, those around him, after contributing to so much death and destruction in his previous life.

Which suburb do they live in?:

Theon lives in Bondi, in a waterfront property. He lives near his queen-turned-colleague, Daenerys, although several properties away. The waves of the ocean are calming to him, and they remind him of the simpler days of his boyhood, spent on Pyke and the surrounding Iron Islands.

While Theon does not live in Darling Point, he spends a lot of time there, given that his dearest companion, Sansa Stark, lives there. He spends a lot of time where his sister, Yara, and his brother, Jon, reside as well. Additionally, he seeks the time and companionship of Arya and Rickon Stark, two people whom he perceives to be his siblings as well.

Memories of their real life:

For those who do, and do not, know Theon, he is a member of the House Greyjoy, and he is the sole surviving son and apparent heir of Balon Greyjoy, the Lord (and former King) of the Iron Islands.

At the conclusion of his father’s rebellion, following the deaths of his two brothers, Theon was taken as a hostage to his father’s good behavior by Lord Eddard Stark of Winterfell, at the age of nine.

He has a surviving sister, Yara, and he believes several of the Stark children to be like siblings to him--- Robb, Rickon, Bran, and Arya. He perceives Jon Snow to be like a brother. However, he has always seen Sansa a bit differently than he views her brothers and sisters.

There was a time during his boyhood that he hoped that Lord Eddard would wed him to his eldest daughter. If this came to be, then he would think of himself as the luckiest man in the world--- to call the most beautiful, honorable woman his wife, and to be claimed as Lord Eddard’s rightful son, at last.... but that had only been a CHILD’S FANCY.

While I somewhat disagree with Theon’s fate in show!verse, I follow its details rather closely in my representation of Theon. He remembers all of the events that happened to him, as they are represented in Game of Thrones.

Theon recalls his childhood, and the time when he was taken as hostage and ward to the Starks. He remembers all of the events that happened between this point and his demise at the hands of the Night King, when he perished in order to safeguard his brother, Bran, and in turn, also protected the world’s memory (e.g. the Three-Eyed Raven).

What was their fake life like?:

The details of Theon’s false life are a bit foggy to him. However, he recalls being placed into foster care by his father, who at the same time decided to raise Theon’s sister for himself.

Theon’s childhood was bumpy and emotionally tumultuous, and it continued to feel this way to him, even when he was taken in by a prominent family. This family had many siblings for him, and while most of them at least tolerated him, he often felt out of place, and longing for the home and family members whom he’d lost against his will.

During his adolescence, Theon’s biological sister sought him out, against their father’s wishes, and spending time with her often made him feel the most happy and at home. Over time, he also grew quite close to his adoptive siblings, all of whom came to accept him in the long-run.

Theon did not hold many friends during his childhood and adolescence. His personality was quite abrasive and unbecoming, and this was largely because he’d been abandoned, and felt neglected, and like he could not trust those around him to stay. He was often the cruelest to girls, a reality that he regretted as he grew up.

In his fake life, Theon found few interests to console him. However, he did have a passion for swimming, sailing, and being by the water. For reasons that he could not quite verbalize, Theon felt that he drew strength from the sea, and whenever he was around its waves, he felt that harm could not befall him.

In his “real/fake” life in Sydney, Theon works as a nurse. He maintains close relationships with his adoptive siblings, and with his biological sister, Yara. He works with Daenerys Targaryen, and he has started to make amends with her fiance, Jorah, although he was involved in the siege that took his brothers’ lives. He is coming to terms with the fact that he is in love with Sansa Stark, even though she is with another man, someone whom Theon often feels insecure around, and inadequate when he is compared to him.

#thebridge: intro #🐙 (THEON) you have to know your name #( THEON GREYJOY )#death tw #abuse tw #suicide tw #murder tw #torture tw #body horror tw #gore tw #injury tw #gender dysphoria tw #body image tw #kidnapping tw #mental health tw

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kaspmatic · 5 years

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From a young age Eddie knew that his mother had complete control of the household and when things didn’t go her way, there would be hell to pay – an emotional torture rot with manipulation tactics at their finest. It was easiest for Eddie to play along, to appease the monster in which he lived with, if only to have some healthy semblance of a childhood. But he hated it, hated having to pretend and appease. Always having that nagging conscious in the back of his mind to go out and adventure, to explore, to be who he was truly… But Sonia Kaspbrak had wanted more than just total control of the home she wanted to have total control of each and every aspect of Eddie’s life; his health, his social life, and who Eddie was as a person. The manipulation tactics would dive so deep – fear driven at every chance she could get. Eddie would eventually succumb to the manipulation. Become so torn down that it was just easiest to be who his mother wanted him to be – instead of who he was meant to be.

Throughout the years Eddie had heard his mother rant about “the gays” more times than he could count – he’d completely lost track. Whether it was a rant about how “all the gays have AIDS”, “being gay is a sin”, or “all the gays go straight to hell” – he would remember them. Every single one of them echoing in his mind as he grew up. Every single time he even thought about looking at another man. Each and every verbal lashing, every fear driven tactic, would be remembered. A distant echo that Eddie couldn’t shake and anytime he even thought about coming out any time he wanted to make a move on the one person in his life he was falling for – he never could. Completely overtaken with fear of how his mother would react to the news. A fear driven so deep inside him that he often scolded himself for those thoughts. Hated himself for having impure thoughts about other men.

After lashing out at his mother at the age of 13 and putting forth the effort to call her on her bullshit – he made a choice, he made a choice to move on and live his life as he felt he should live it. For years, it was the first time that Eddie truly felt comfortable – Sonia hated having a rebellious son, but it gave Eddie the freedom to do more things for himself. To try new things and explore things he even hadn’t even truly been able to explore.

Richie had always had his attention and he hadn’t realized it until his later teen years but he was in love with him – the object of his secret affection for years – but during this rebellious time he felt more comfortable with it. But that didn’t stop the nagging voice of his mother from ringing through his mind anytime he saw the other or he thought about him in a certain light. Fear stricken, Eddie never made that move. Far too afraid to come out of the closet as it was much easier remaining inside. Hiding. On top of that he didn’t think he could handle the rejection – if Richie knew how he felt he was nearly sure he would lose him and Eddie couldn’t handle losing him in any aspect.

One night, Sonia Kaspbrak was giving one of her infamous homophobic hate speeches because of an episode of Geraldo that completely “triggered” her. Angry with his mother Eddie lashed out, standing up to Sonia and completely putting her back in her place – right where Eddie believed she belonged on the subject. Seeing red, Eddie ranted and raved about how one day he was going to be old enough and he was going to find a man he loved and marry that man – and if that day came his mother damn well better get her shit together or get the fuck out of his life.

As you would expect – this did not go down well with Sonia Kaspbrak.

An argument ensued. Insults were thrown back and forth between the pair before Eddie – furious with his mother – stormed out. With nowhere to go, Eddie decided he was going to wander through town. He didn’t have anything to fear anymore with Pennywise being dead and the majority of the Bower’s Gang being dead or locked up – so he travelled where his feet took him. He needed to cool off. To find a place he could just think for himself as far away from Sonia as he could.

Hearing the trickle of water below his feet he sighs, eyes slamming shut for a moment as he took a deep breath before brandishing his pocket knife. Feet carried him to the Kissing Bridge where he began carving an “R” with a heart around it. So, wrapped up in what he was doing on his second pass of his handiwork, Eddie was none the wiser when the newest gang of bullies’ in town surrounded him. Beating him to within an inch of his life and slashing him with his own pocket knife before tiring of the abuse and deciding to make it fun – they let him run.

That night, a bruised and battered Eddie went exactly where he wanted to go. Straight to Richie’s to ask for help. Despite knowing he was going to wake the other up – he didn’t know where else to go or who to trust.

But the beating, only beat Sonia’s fear tactics into him deeper.

Dealing with his homosexuality was never easy and it was a constant battle between what he wanted and what he thought he wanted – what he thought he needed. Dealing with his homosexuality would haunt him for years to come – a battle of the heart versus his mind, one that was always a constant battle waging war. Even when he found someone who he thought of as a great friend – but nothing more – he had doubts. Doubts that would keep him so distant and unhappy he could hardly bear it – but things would begin to spiral out of control and the woman’s grasp would start to take over his life.

This woman is Myra.

Eddie never shared a true connection to Myra and even at the proposal of marriage he all but cringed at the idea of marrying her – but there was something ever so familiar about the way she “cared” for him that he couldn’t quite put his finger on (at least until his return to Derry). Eddie held doubts about marrying Myra, still struggling with being homosexual but he knew that it was just easier – easier in society to be a straight man with a wife, a dog, a nice car, a good job. It would appease those around him and maybe – just maybe – he was straight after all. Who knows? He had never slept with anyone because he didn’t share that connection – that bond with anyone.

But Eddie wasn’t happy and part of him knew he would never be happy with Myra.

Never in all their marriage had Eddie attempted to sleep with his wife, there was something completely off putting about the act itself. He could never really or truly pinpoint why – but it was there. A distinct factor of disgust anytime she had tried so he made every effort to dodge it until she completely gave up trying.

Myra was controlling in every aspect of his life; with his heath, with his social life, and with who he was. She was nasty and emotionally abusive, manipulative even.

It wouldn’t be until Eddie received the call from Mike that he would make the connection – that he stood in his own way of happiness, by marrying his mother.

#⌊ my mom will have an aneurysm ok?! ⌉ - headcanon #hc.#tw: homophobia #tw: abuse #tw: violence #ok so i might have wrote nearly 3 pages for this headcanon...#but uhm #yeah #enjoy my novel #i tried to tag some of potential tw items in here

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kattipatang · 5 years

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Idk what I’m doing lol... but life’s a mess

Back in the day I wrote out my entire life story and it gave me a lot of clarity and resolve. Nearly a decade later, I am going to do the same in hopes that I find some self-healing. Perhaps I can also validate my feelings so I don’t feel like I am entirely crazy for feeling the way I feel. FYI for those who know me, please note that (to my knowledge) I have removed my pictures and mentions of my name from this blog and do not wish to be identified at this moment. I would appreciate it if you could respect that.

I’m going to start all the way back in 2010. I came out as gay while I was in high school. I was met with a wave of support and love from students and faculty, except for a select few homophobes. However, if I thought they were bad, things were about to get much worse.

In early July 2010, I was awakened by my mother at 3am in the morning. This was very unusual, and the look on her face was one of pain and grief. She led me into a secluded room of the house where my uncle (her brother) sat waiting, my phone placed on the counter in front of him. My mom and father and gotten divorced after an abusive marriage, and we had moved in with my uncle and his family when I was 11 years old. Therefore, my uncle was a father figure for me.

I was made to sit down in between them, and the interrogation began. They had gone through my phone and found texts I sent to my friends, talking about my sexuality, and they claimed that they had also found out through the grapevine. I was yelled at by my uncle. He asked perverse and inappropriate questions about my sexuality, with dramatic monologues about how I am bringing shame to our immaculate family name that would put some of Bollywood’s most melodramatic moments to shame. All this occurred while my mother sat and silently weeped. Two hours of emotional and verbal abuse later I was sent back to bed.

The next morning, my uncle took my mom and disappeared for hours. Turns out they had gone to the doctor to discuss my situation, and a wave of relief washed over me. “Thank God,” I thought, “at least this person will see reason.”

I was wrong.

My uncle and mother came back hours later and took me with them to the car. My uncle leading, me behind him, and my mother closing in on me behind me. This would be the formation that would take place if we ever stepped out from here on out. For the next week, I had no cell phone, no access to the landline, no computer, no internet, all my friends were gone away for the summer - I was completely isolated.

Anyway, they drove me to the doctor’s office in the late afternoon, which I found odd because the office would have been closed by now. Sure enough, when we arrived at the clinic, there was a “Closed” sign on the door. However, my uncle opened it and lead me inside, with my mother following after me.

I was taken straight through the empty clinic - even the receptionist had gone home, so there was no record of my visit - and I was led into the doctor’s office, where he sat waiting for me. I walked in alone and the door was shut behind me.

What followed was a series of pseudo-scientific explanations as to how I’m mentally ill, disturbed and perverted. “This is a sickness,” he said. “God didn’t intend you to be this way.”

He added that this was probably because I don’t maintain a relationship with my father and was raised by a single mother, and I just need to “learn to be a man.” “And if you like anal sex, you know you can do that with a woman too you know?”

I was dejected. Destraught. Absolutely destroyed on the inside. A person I thought to be a voice of reason, was spewing the same judgemental ignorant rhetoric my uncle was. The irony makes me laugh though nine years later, because this year his wife discovered that he had been sleeping with a patient for the past several years. What a morally strong man…

The rest of the week is a bit of a blur. I disassociated myself for most of it. However the gist of it was my uncle interrogated me to see who I had sex with, my mother became suicidal, and my uncle became homicidal.

At one point he made explicit threats to my life, and I had to do an internal inventory. I can’t afford to run away and live on my own, I don’t want my mom to die, and I don’t want to get killed. So, I bit the bullet and basically faked a “recovery” to keep the peace. I had had enough of the emotional and mental abuse and manipulation from my uncle and just wanted some reprise.

I have a cousin I am extremely close with who I am out to. He lives out of province, and he was and is the biggest ally I have in my life. When he found out what was happening to me, he called my uncle. My uncle said something that concerned him, so he told me to fly out and stay with him for the duration of the summer until it was time for me to go back to school.

I did so and it was an amazing time. However, during that trip I also learned of how twisted my uncle’s brain truly was. He had told my cousin multiple ways in which he wanted to “deal with the mess” including murder, forced re-allocation and isolation, and he even wanted to hire a female sex worker to come rape me.

That stunned me, and I have never had a proper relationship with my uncle since.

Years went by, and it appeared as though the situation had been swept under the rug. My plan was to save up enough to one day pack my bags and leave, never to look back again. My mother and uncle were super close and he could have easily taken care of her in my absence.

That plan, however, was put on halt when the elders in the family decided that my mother should finally have a house of her own, a dream she had always had but never experienced. However, that would not be possible if I didn’t step up and help pay a portion of the mortgage. In actuality, I was given no choice either, so I put a stone on my heart and sacrificed my personal freedom so I could give my mother the comfort she deserves.

During the construction of the house though, everything went to shit. One day at the job site, a construction worker made fun of my more gentle mannerisms and began to make homophobic jokes. My uncle overheard and that was just the fodder he needed to begin making my life a living hell all over again.

From early 2016 until today, my uncle has been emotionally and mentally abusing me and anyone who will stick up for me. My mother would defend me, and he began to emotionally and mentally abuse her too.

I am stuck in the shittiest circumstance. My uncle and mother are waiting with bated breath to see what I do next.

My mother wants me to get married to a woman, something I will never do. My uncle WANTS me to flat out come out so he can further torture me verbally and/or physically, and make a spectacle out of my mother for having the audacity to speak up against his abusive tendencies.

And I honestly don’t know what the fuck I should do. On one hand, I refuse to marry a woman to please society. On the other hand, when I come out, my mother will want to have nothing to do with me, and with me gone, my uncle (and my aunt has joined the squad now) will have free reign to torture and harrass my mother. On top of that my mom won’t be able to make payments for the house, the house will be foreclosed, and my mom and sister will be forced to live on the streets, or move back in with my abusive uncle.

Just this past week while I was out of the house, my uncle came over to taunt my mother, because he knows he's emotionally vulnerable and won’t stick up for herself. He came over and told her that she’s basically unwanted and uncared for. That the people around her are going to treat her like a laughing stock. That no one is society will talk to her or say anything good about her because her son is a fag who will ruin the family izzat.

Izzat is something he is HELLBENT about. Back in the day when my mom was about to start college, he cornered her before she was about to leave the house and said “No one knows you for who you are, they know you as my sister. So if you fuck around with any guys whatsoever, I’m going to slit your throat and kill myself.” *slow clap for the amazing pep talk*

I am fucking exhausted. For the past nine years I have been surviving, not living. I go day in day out afraid for my life, afraid for what the future holds for my mother and sister. I’m afraid that something may happen to me, and no one will know and he will continue to live his life showing himself to be this perfect human who can never do any wrong.

However, I refuse to let that happen. Even if it’s the last thing I do, one day I am going to expose him and his truth to the world. He taunted my mother saying no one will care for her? Everyone is going to remember my mother for the beautiful soul that she is. It’s HIM that is going to be shunned by society for being the manipulative abusive psychopath that he is.

Everything is going to be made public one day. Crystal clear. Bright as day. I will make an example out of him, that if you around manipulating and abusing people for your little-man-syndrome/false pride, this is how you will be publicly disgraced and humiliated.

Until then, I need to go seek therapy, heal myself, and get ready to fight for not just my life, but for the sake of my mother and my sister. I had finally gotten to a point where I was actually excited to wake up in the morning. But now I’m back in that mental hole where when as soon as I wake up a wave of dread sweeps over me and I wish I hadn’t woken up. I would be lying if I said I have a will to live. However, I also refuse to do anything that would put my mother at risk for more abuse.

The thing that frustrates me the most is that while all this happened, NOTHING changed in my life. My struggle remained the same. As people zoom by me in life, getting amazing opportunities, running businesses, finding amazing life partners, just living their best life, I’m standing here like my legs are stuck in a block of cement. Feeling like I’m broken, lost, unworthy, unlovable, undesirable, and a failure.

Until I can do something, I could really use all the prayers I could get.

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cheesebongdynasty · 6 years

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Some perspective for y’all haters (both of you):

“Responsible for Ultron (list includes all people pictured):

Personally worked with Ultron:

Reasons:

(Misplaced) Revenge, (Presumable) Hydra indoctrination

Wanting to save the world (post telepathic mindfuck)

....easily manipulated? (Post telepathic mindfuck)

Backgrounds (prior to telepathic mind-fucks)

Traumatized and Brainwashed Kid:

As a child, saw parents blown up, spent days staring at missle with “Stark” written on it waiting for it to kill her and her brother; “signed up for” Hydra (probably before age 18); wanted “revenge” on Stark and Avengers; (knowledge of Stark and Avengers not really clarified, but likely influenced by Hydra indoctrination.)

Still pretty much a “kid” by “Ultron.”

Traumatized and Mentally Ill Adult, Who Already Built AIs and Saved the World Successfully Before:

Parental neglect; orphaned at 21 (at this point, thinks dad killed mom with his driving); “saw young Americans killed by the very weapons designed to protect them;” tortured in a cave, forced to help guys who killed those young Americans; saw mentor die; fatal disease; wormhole-induced PTSD (on top of obvious other disorders); saw lover tortured because of him, then saw her “die” when he failed to catch her; has built at least three successful A.I; saved planet at least once; shown “worst fear” right before making Ultron.

Traumatized Mentally Ill Adult, With Self-Trust Issues: Hulk accident and condition; lost relationship with girlfriend (probably due to this); years in isolation; guilt over destruction (and probably deaths) caused as Hulk; shown a telepathic mind-fuck that caused him to Hulk out and rampage a civilian town, right before making Ultron.

Helped Defeat Ultron:

Owned Up To Ultron:

Realizes “this is all because of me” at seeing city attacked, switches sides; guilt complex a major character trait in following movies

“Ultron, my fault;” signs Accords and donates a fuckton of money to college kids over Ultron guilt

“Only when I’ve created a murder-bot!” First to own up to Ultron, right after the fact. (Interesting fact: spent two years as the Hulk after Ultron incident. Food for thought.)

Responsible for Vision (the guy able to lift Thor’s hammer, who killed Ultron):

Faced Legal Action for Ultron:

Faced Legal Action for Anything Before the Sokovia Accords:

Irony

Relationships After Ultron:

Spats “You locked me in my room!” and otherwise has no negative words for Tony Stark; was willing to stay “locked in her room” until Hawkeye convinced her otherwise; only person on the Raft not to say anything to Tony;

(looks either ashamed, or too angry to face him, or both, open to interpretation); in “Infinity War,” wants Vision to keep his word to Tony Stark; is visibly upset at news Tony Stark went missing up in the alien spacecraft.

(Note: Wanda has directly seen, and influenced, Tony’s space-phobia, plus her aforementioned guilt complex.)

Calls Wanda a “WMD,” otherwise has no insults for her; wants to keep her in the mansion for her own “protection;” talks like a scolding parent during airport fight (”Wanda I think you hurt Vision’s feelings” “First of all, that’s an exaggeration, second, I did that for your protection.”) Looks guilty AF when seeing Wanda in straight jacket on Raft; helps Cap break Wanda and others out of Raft prison by ignoring Ross’s call; lets Vision and Wanda have secret affair, keeps their secret for them.

Tells Wanda “I could kill you without turning a shade of green” recently after mindfuck; after returning to Earth two or three years later, has no negative words, facial expressions or hand gestures for her; hugs Tony immediately upon reuniting with him.

"Civil War”

Tony: Told he “murdered” a civilization woman’s son; signed Accords out of guilt; baffled by Cap’s actions; but for some reason, fails (along with the rest of his team) to ask Cap WTF is going on; blackmails/technically kidnapps underage with super-strength to help arrest Team Cap (none of whom, until this point, were the kind of person who would toss a truck at anyone), gives Spidey extra-protective new suit, tells Spidey to keep his distance and sends him home as soon as he’s hurt; sees BFF paralyzed; blasts an apologizing Sam, who wasn’t even remotely responsible; realizes Bucky was framed; admits he was wrong about that, goes to help Steve and Bucky and make peace; watches video of parents murdered with apparent killer standing right next to him, hears comrade (who is put on a pedestal by everyone, including the father being killed in the video who never told Tony he loved or liked him), admit with no visible remorse, that he knew; violent mental snap for 20 minutes (if that); next time we see him, is helping Rhodey with his legs; helps Team Cap escape raft by ignoring Ross’s call; no hint of him making any further attempts to go after Bucky, or even expressing onscreen animosity towards Bucky.

Wanda: Saves hundreds if not millions of lives; accidentally kills a few while saving those hundreds/millions, is horrified; is fine staying in the mansion like Tony wants, until Hawkeye convinces her otherwise; is put in a straight jacket; only person on Raft not to verbally shit on Tony.

Bruce: Spared the indignity of being in “Batman V. Superman the Avengers Edition”

Adults Who Emotionally Blackmailed Young People into illegally joining their “war,” that said young people know little to nothing about:

If Tony is horrible for dragging a “kid” into a “war,” and Wanda is also a “kid” when Tony “locks her up”.... is Wanda still a “kid” when Hakweye drags her into this “war?” If Hawkeye did exactly that, but for Team Iron Man instead of Team Cap, would it still be okay?

After “Civil War”

Tony: Focus on protecting world; mentors/protects Peter Parker; improves enough that Pepper takes him back; becomes engaged; obsessed with defeating Thanos; makes new protective suit for Peter Parker; doesn’t want Peter on the space-donut and is pissed when he stows away; has petulant (and hilarious) snark-to-snark combat with Dr. Strange and Peter Quill; is a jackass after saving Strange from torture, but clearly caring when Strange is time-glitching; tries to talk down Quill when Quill is in the same position Tony was in Siberia (learn of loved one’s murder with killer in front of him), with no patronizing cliches like “this won’t change what happened”; fights Thanos even when armor is almost completely gone; doesn’t want Strange to hand over the Time Stone to save him; is upset Strange handed over the Stnoe to save him; has no ill words for Quill after Quill fucked up everything; gently says “steady Quill” when Quill’s friends are disintegrating around him; holds Spidey while he disintegrates.

Wanda: No ill words for Stark, after everything; wants Vision to keep his word to Stark; is upset when Tony is declared missing on the spaceship; saves Vision’s ass from Thanos’s minions; refuses until the last minute to kill Vision for the sake of saving the universe; along with Star Lord, is one of the only two people in the MCU willing to kill their lover, and last living loved-one, to save the universe; has to see Vision killed again, with Thanos winning the Stone; dusted.

Bruce: Trapped in Hulk for two years; sees Asgardians killed..............why am I still bothering? None of you ever hated on Bruce Banner to begin with, because he wasn’t in “Civil Fart” and therefore not “against” your favorite character.

Anyway, the moral of this story: if you personally hate Tony Stark or Wanda Maximoff for being on the wrong “team” in one badly written movie their personality, that’s your prerogative. But stop trying to vilify them, especially post-”Infinity War.”

#tony stark defense #wanda maximoff defense #tony stark #wanda maximoff #scarlet witch #bruce banner #hulk #ultron #civil war #infinity war #vision #iron man #hate #love #angst #hero #antihero #gulit #parallel

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kazmorosov · 6 years

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|| bill skarsgard, cismale, he/him || ( kazaran morozov ) is a ( 25 ) year old ( senior ) at rockport university studying ( business + literature [TA] ). people say they are ( ardent ) but also ( stoic ), and remind others of ( coffee rings on crisp paper, losing their sense of reality, hushed arguments ). bet they sure didn’t expect anyone to know about ( his plagiarizing to succeed and honor his terminally ill mother he killed ) but someone does, and ( kaz ) better cooperate if they plan to keep their lives. || james, 20, EST ||

hi i’m so sorry this took a long ass time to put out but im herE lmao here’s my baby

tw; murder, addiction/substance abuse, abuse mentions,

gen. info:

full name: kazaran nikolai morozov

nickname(s): kaz

b.o.d.: december 14th

label(s): the escapist, the academic, the fallen, the philanthropist, etc.

height: 6′4″

hometown: bangor, maine

sexuality: str...aigh...t ? question mark ?

biography:

born to a self-made businessman and a philanthropist with a penchant for odd names

his father’s a russian who moved to the u.s. in his childhood who still has many...unique, ties, to the country though none of those are important

his business involves military equipment and he works closely with the u.s.’s military (ahsdfghk conspiracies ?)

and his mother was a plain jane (literally--her name was jane) from a family of politicians; his uncle’s a senator

kaz is the eldest out of seven children (christ) and yes all of their names are just as excessive as ‘kazaran’

grew up with the pressure of the ‘golden child’ title; kaz had to be perfect at everything he did, from his grades to after school activities to manners and presentment

was always expected to follow in his father’s footsteps and like ?? partner with him once he was old enough?

which is fine and grand except kaz had never given a shit about his father’s business; his real passion had always been for the arts, particularly literature and even more particularly poetry

he found that the arts was probably the most...free, kaz could get, without actively rebelling against his father

b/c god . . . his father is a force to be reckon’d w/

very strict man, likes to be in control constantly, not the...best, emotionally towards his family. or verbally. sometimes physically. y’know.

this really only...amplified, kaz’s perfectionist attitude. it was mostly out of fear of repercussions than much else

kaz has, however, always loved his mother.

jane is the opposite of their father, a woman who loves the world and everybody in it with this...heart of gold, and best intentions in mind

the only problem was that she was horribly submissive to her husband

aNYWAys okay, kaz grew up fairly unscathed but only because he was so...conformist, y’know?

loves his siblings and would die for them, but god--he’d have to side with his father just for his own sake, which definitely strained his relationship with a few of ‘em

AnywAys again; was pretty well-known in his high school

for being like, intimidatingly tall but also was fairly popular? star of the track team, student gov president, in DECA or whatever.

went to rockport just because it wasn’t...too far from home, and partially because he wasn’t allowed to go out of state.

and he was fine w/ it, man

his mother got sick his freshmen year, however, it wasn’t...horrible, at first

it was concerning, yes, but the doctors said she was going to be fine

jane was pretty...adamant about not letting her condition effect her children, too, so she acted as if she was fine

kaz, being a dumbass, was like alright fine this is fine and went on w/ life

sophomore year he met his soulmate; a future veterinarian named freya

n i mean he just...fell for her immediately, y’know ?? n ig she felt similar enough b/c they started dating immediately

it was really...good, for him; especially as his mother’s heath had suddenly taken a turn for the worst

kaz wound up taking two years off of school to care for his mother; his father was gone more often than not, and he felt as if his younger siblings shouldn’t have been burdened with the task

and well...jane never got better, only worse

it was at the point where the doctors had sent her home, knowing that nothing else could be done--she was confined to her bed, and miserable. in pain, really.

one...day, as kaz was tending to jane, she broke down. i mean, just, a full on emotional breakdown, a complete episode, begging him to just...put her out of her misery.

and, god, kaz had never disobeyed his parents (minus his studies in literature but y’knw what. . . not important rn) but that was so ?? morally ?? conflicting ??

they cried together for a long time until y’know. deciding what to do.

as soon as she had fallen asleep, kaz put a pillow to her.

he was never...caught, tho that may have involved some bribery on his father’s end who knows

the day after the funeral, kaz proposed to freya and she agreed.

and it really should’ve been fine if kaz’s mental health didn’t rapidly deteriorate like...he was not handling it well

freya helped, yes, but she could only do so much

turned to drugs, particularly painkillers after a minor car crash and just...a mix of shit, y’know.

probably stole drugs from his fiance’s job tbh

got on antidepressants, which only worsened his shit b/c he started ?? occasionally hallucinating his dead mother ??

his creativity had also just. shat on itself. he couldn’t write, no matter how hard he tried

his mother had really wanted him to pursue his dreams, and god, he was too far in his degree to drop literature

so he started....plagiarizing, his works, b/c kaz is a whole ass idiot. but he hasn’t gotten caught yet, somehow

his fiance thought the cruise program would be a great way for kaz to possibly, recover, since she could see how bad he was doing so he weNt because of her

also yes at this point he had gone back to school; had even gotten a TA position because he used to be...one of the best in his class, y’know ?

anyways yeah im paraphrasing this all horribly but idc u get the point

drug addict, mercy-killed his mother, loves his fiancee, tortured soul, y’know all that

personality:

likes to pretend he’s much calmer than he actually is, y’know

likes the whole aloof and distant thing b/c it’s already so easy for him to be intimidating

he can b a lil snarky, a lil sarcastic, but he’s overall always been really well meaning?

can be extremely passionate about his hobbies, or his future wife, or really...anything he mildly likes, tho, y’know?

gOD is he always feeling so guilty, tho, it really weighs him down

but he’s also like...usually high, sometimes u can tell but more often than not u can’t ??

because he’s obsessed w/ seeming okay. and doing okay. and being that average dude next door, y’know?

he wants to be normal, to feel normal, but he’s got this wave of emotions crashing into his chest and he’s in sm pa i n constantly

like he’s got major anxiety but u won’t know unless u catch him in midst of a panic attack and like he’d rather die than somebody see that

probably journals as a way 2 like...cope, and keep himself calm

uuhh he’s like lowkey a huge softie. will cry at sad movies and won’t care tht he’s crying about it

takes teaching rly seriously but he’s also always concerned somebody’s going to figure out that he’s just. a fraud.

smart, with dumbass energy

like he just...sometimes doesn’t think ??

loves his fiancee a whole bunch but this distance thing is...sm harder than he thought it would be. she’s his anchor and he’s just ?? floating aimlessly now

but yeah he’s always acting like he’s okay, like he’s gucci.

uuuhhhh god i dont know what else to say tbh ?? he’s just. a mans. being a mans.

probably doesn’t sleep super often b/c not only is he a TA, but he’s got some mf nightmares man

wanted connections:

got a girl best friend but he needs a...dude best friend?

other friends in general, honestly

professors he’s got some sort of relationship with b/c he’s working for penelope rn

a flirty unrequited thing, where they keep tryn but kaz is like nO i am TAKEN look at this photo of my beAUTIFUL FIANCEE

ppl pissed at him for the grades he’s given them LMAO

people...concerned? for him?

bad mf influences who are like LET’S GET FUCKED UP

a dealer y’know. somebody on the ship who can give him what he wants which is a Lot

uuh let’s brainstorm together, bb

like srsly just. gimme a like, i’ll pop into ur dms w/ my messy tall son and be like let’s fuck him up !

#rockportintro #sorry this is also . . . lame

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snickerl · 6 years

Text

The Performance of His Life

Set in season 9. What is going on in Mulder’s mind when Scully and Skinner find him in his prison cell and he plays the role of a brainwashed inmate?

Tagging @today-in-fic and @fictober

He doesn't need to turn around to know it's her.

When they brought him into this cell, he wasn't sure whether this was good or bad. Believing that something good will happen in his life had become a very difficult task. Almost impossible even, yet essential to his survival. The hope of being able to see them again, Scully and William, if only for one last short moment, was all that kept him going these past lonely months. Only since he has been incarcerated in this black, moldy hole of a jail, has he almost lost all hope. Almost.

He couldn't count on her finding him this time. They had brought him to some kind of military facility, if they wanted his residence to remain secret, it definitely would be impossible to locate his whereabouts, even for a special agent of the FBI. A very good special agent. The best he can think of. But she found him even so. Of course, she did.

Now he's not so sure anymore if it's really so good she's here. For his sanity, yes, it's the best that could happen to him. The very idea of seeing her beautiful face, cerulean eyes, and perfectly shaped lips pumps zest for life back into his system, a vitality he already thought lost. He feels stronger and more powerful, almost reinvigorated enough to withstand the torture techniques they have applied and will most likely continue to apply to him.

What will they do to him when they realize their brainwashing hasn't broken him yet? That his compliance has been nothing but a charade to make them stop torturing him? And what will they do to her when they learn how much she means to him? That she is everything to him? He can't let them have the upper hand. Allowing them to know how much he loves her, that she is the only thing preserving his will to live, to fight them, would be like serving his head on a silver platter, and hers along with it. He can't let them know, under any circumstances. He has to give another performance and stay in the role of the brainwashed inmate, of the man who has surrendered and accepted his guilt. For his sake, but more importantly, for Scully's.

"Mulder," he hears her whisper, his back still turned to her. Her sweet voice has always had the capability to soothe him but it is his undoing now, because although being only a whisper it's crying out to him. 'Mulder, I'm so glad I found you,' it says. 'Mulder, I missed you. I needed you, where have you been?' He even makes out a faint, 'Mulder, I love you.' As an afterthought, as if she was uncertain, fearful, that it would be like the last time he returned to her when he had come back a different man, unable to fit himself back into her life. Although he hates doing this to her he turns around, the line he wants to deliver already on his lips, and finds himself totally unprepared for what the sight of her does to him.

God, what happened to her? Where is the bliss she radiated when he last saw her? Despite the grief of having to let him part from her and their newborn son, there was a felicitousness and confidence bouncing off of her which almost swept him off his feet. "We're going to get through this, Mulder," she assured him, kissing the peachy head of their (hers and his!) baby boy sleeping peacefully in her arms. "We will be waiting for you as long as it takes," she said, adding, "I have faith in us as a family, Mulder. When it's safe for you to return to us, we will leave it all behind us for good and it will be just the three of us. And we will be happy."

Where did her faith go? Her belief that everything would turn out well for them after all? That they would finally get the piece of happiness they deserve? There is none of it when he looks at her now. He sees a woman on edge, struggling to keep it together, to not crumble into pieces right in front of him. She wants to be strong for him, he reckons, and it makes him hate himself even more for what he is going to do. But he doesn't have a choice.

"Dana," he says, knowing full well that the use of her first name must feel like a punch to the gut, and he actually sees the impact of his verbal fist: her eyes widen a little more, her shoulders droop a little more, and she exchanges a worried look with Skinner who is, as was expected, at her side. She brushes her misgivings away, locks them up inside, approaches him and envelopes herself around him, squeezing and rocking him gently.

Oh, the feel of it! He tries to distance himself, needing to shield himself from her affection to be able to stay in his role, but he doesn't know how. It simply feels too good after so many months of separation to have her wrapped around him, holding him as if she never wants to let him go. He felt so lonely without her. How many nights did he crave her being in his arms just like this when he was lying on his back on an uncomfortable bunk bed in a beat-up trailer somewhere in New Mexico staring at the ceiling? His hands make contact with her shoulder blades because he cannot not touch her. He wants to touch her hips, squeeze her waist, stroke through her hair so much more, but he can't. If he feels a little more of her, he will be tempted to go further, and he mustn't.

He's actually a little proud of his ability to keep his act together so stoically, that he has himself under control. His hands aren't traveling on their own Accord, and he remains a pillar of salt in her embrace but then she kisses his cheek, and the softness of her lips and her sweet breath tickle his skin so beguilingly, his body starts melting into hers. He knows all too well he has to pull back, away from her, quickly, otherwise, he will lose control and kiss her, exposing himself in front of the guard who is watching them like a hawk. So he gathers all his strength to look right through her beautiful eyes that are begging for some kind of sign from him. He draws from the power her love is giving him and eliminates from his voice the myriad of emotions he is feeling to make it sound uninvolved, cold even. He asks her if she is okay, and the way her soft facial features harden tells him he's done pretty well.

How he hates himself, despises himself utterly, loathes himself for hurting her over and over and over again. This gorgeous woman who would have been so much better off without him, whom he should have let go of years ago, but wasn't able to. Being the selfish coward he is he held on to her, allowed for them to become even closer. Intimate. They had been intimate emotionally for years but their physical intimacy was a whole new thing. It was like standing in front of heaven's gate when she came in his arms for the first time with him inside her. From then on, they had been one, literally. Indivisibly welded together. They made a baby together, created life, it can't get any closer between two people.

Eventually, by getting her pregnant he had given her something instead of being the reason things were taken from her. He had been able to give her what she wanted the most: a child, beautiful William. It had filled him with so much joy and gratitude that these feelings deluded him into thinking that parting from them to keep them safe would work. He believed her when she said it would only be a short time until they reunited.

How stupid he was. He should have known better. She should have known better. Known that they would never be allowed to be happy and carefree. That there was some force out there - human or alien, divine or devilish, or maybe all of it - that begrudged them even the most humble happiness. During his isolation, he has lost hope, has accepted his fate, and willingly succumbed to the loneliness and the pain in its tow. He has lost his optimism, his faith, and his ability to believe that somewhere along the road there had to be an exit for him, a refuge to escape to, a place where she was waiting for him, his son in her arms, where he could let himself fall and where he would be loved and cared for.

He has lost all his vigor, but not she. She is still not willing to give up on them, he can read it in her determined eyes. What has he done to deserve this unbelievably strong woman and her stamina?

"Mulder, I haven't seen you in such a long time. I was so worried," she says, her soft palm lingering on his cheek and her eyes scanning his face for a reaction he can't give her. Back in the day, they often communicated just by looking into each other's eyes. They put on poker faces to leave their opponents in the dark, exchanging a secret plan and arranging their next moves non-verbally. They are both masters of the skill, and he knows he could do the very same right now, could tell her he isn't okay at all, that he needs her to get him out of here, that he can't do it alone.

But he doesn't. He mustn't. Under no circumstance. "It's okay. I'm alright. They're treating me really well in here," he replies instead, drawing from the last bit of resolve he has left as her fingertips graze gently along his jaw. Her caress travels from his face to his chest, where her hand comes to a rest. Does she feel his heart hammering in his ribcage? She's silent for a moment, searching his face for answers.

Does she believe him? No, she doesn't. Of course not. The happiness to see him might have clouded her initial judgment but she finally gets the sense that something is wrong. The fine line between her eyebrows and the shade of gray darkening her blue irises tell him. Maybe he isn't the actor he thinks he is. "What's happened to you?" she asks, her eyes pleading with him. She's in tune with him now, in full non-verbal mode, sending him signals that have to be ignored and cruelly whipped back toward her. There is no other option. "Nothing," he replies, trying to sound as if he means it. "I'm squared away."

He almost has to laugh at how ridiculous it sounds being dressed in prison orange and showing cuts and bruises speaking of mistreatment. Her eyes tell him she's not buying a single word he's saying. 'Mulder, it's me,' they shout at him, 'confide in me!' Her worried look gnaws at his resolve. He's responsible yet again for making her miserable. How come the person he wants to make happy the most ends up suffering because of him again and again? He would give his right arm if it was necessary to make her happy even if only for a day. Jeez, he would give his life.

Will. He will give his life. For her. Them.

William and Scully will be much better off without him. Scully will mourn him, yes, will feel like a widow probably, although they had never been legally married. And William will probably ask about his father when he gets older. Maybe. Hopefully. But all in all, they will be better off when he's gone.

And he will be. Gone. That's as sure as night follows day. They will prosecute him for murder in a ridiculously fake trial and the verdict is already clear. He will be found guilty, and they will impose the death penalty. This time, they will get rid of him for good. And with him not being a pain in their asses anymore, they will leave her alone. Them. Scully and William, mother and son, the love of his life and their miracle baby boy. He can do that for them, can't he? He owes them a life devoid of threat and fear, a life in the light instead of the darkness.

He just wishes he could have his share. It's hard to be as altruistic as he wants to be. Her proximity makes him want his share. She's pushing aside the good intentions he so rationally developed with her compassion and her warmth and her loveliness and her beauty and the million other wonderful traits she has. He feels his determination weaken, it's what makes him tear his gaze away from her and turn to the other person in the room. He has to mislead another true friend and ally with his acting talent, has to deceive Skinner likewise to protect him from the toxic consequences of being acquainted with Fox Spooky Mulder, but most of all, he counts on him to convince Scully to let go of him. If Skinner believes he's a lost cause, he might be able to make Scully believe it too.

"Hey, Walter! Good to see you, man!" he cheers as if he ran into him in a bar. Like Scully, Skinner is disturbed by his unemotional bearing. His former boss explains the precarious situation to him, how severe it is and what his rights are as a defendant. "Whatever you were doing, you have the right to a lawyer," he says, "to an inquiry and process of law."

The words lead Mulder to the thought that Scully probably didn't find him here but that it is more likely Skinner was informed of the misconduct his subordinate agent had committed. The realization stings initially, sending a sentiment of having been forgotten and given up on through his body, but only for a moment. He then understands that he is being unfair. Of course, she wasn't looking for him, it had been their agreement that he would decide when the time was right for him to return. He would only come back when he wouldn't compromise Scully and William anymore, when it would be safe for all three of them.

Skinner's explanations are unnecessary, he knows darn well how serious his situation is. It's hopeless, to be precise. He doesn't need a lawyer. He can't be helped, defended, bailed out of jail. His fate is sealed and he's already accepted it. He's embracing the opportunity actually, he just needs to make them let go of him. One last effort and they will hopefully understand that they have to move forward without him.

Fortunately, the guard's sharp command to end the conversation helps him out although it's most certainly not the soldier's intention to be of service to him. The man must have sensed Scully's determination to get to the bottom of things, to reach out to his true soul through the brainwashed shell of a person he tries to convince everyone he is. She's not to be intimidated, though. No, this woman never gives up. This woman is an infinite source of strength.

"We're gonna get you outta here," she assures him and her facial expression tells him she means it. She'd probably even help him break out in a cloak-and-dagger operation, risking her own life holding the guards at gunpoint if need be. He can't let that happen. He can't let her be accused of aiding and abetting, but the resolution to do whatever is needed is ingrained in every fiber of her being, and it frightens him. He has to put an end to her fighting for him. Once and for all. Only he can't as long as he's facing her, so he turns around to the window where he closes his eyes to the bright light flowing through it. He pretends to engage himself in a soliloquy, gives one last performance of an irretrievably lost detainee and it seems to do the trick, they are leaving. Thank god, they are finally leaving.

Go. Please, go. And never come back.

He's not sure he could do this one more time. He feels so weak. So alone. Abandoned. Cold.

Scully...

He doesn't need to see her to be able to tell she's watching him under the small window that ironically sheds a bright light on him now that he's in the darkest place ever. The warmth of her gaze envelops him like a fluffy blanket. He can hear her mind working, this beautiful brain of hers that never ceases to operate, to weigh the options, evaluate facts, and work out a plan. He just prays she will give it a break and let it rest just this once. Just this once he needs her to leave him to his fate.

And then he hears the iron gate slam shut. They are gone. She is gone. That's it.

Oh my god...Scullayyy!

He will never see her again. Never kiss her again. Never make love to her again. He won't see his son grow up. Never read a story to him. Never teach him how to shoot hoops. Never. The future holds nothing but darkness for him, the only silver lining being the knowledge that they are in the light. Finally, he's managed to free her from this crazy quest of his which had brought her so much pain, so much loss.

Scully, his mind whispers inaudibly for the guard still present, I love you.

He always has and always will. All he can do now is hope she knows that, despite his play-acting. If the pain wasn't so overwhelming he would be proud of himself, of how he outfoxed them. Fox William Mulder outwitted Dr. Dana Katherine Scully, she who can usually read his every thought and anticipate his every move. Who would have thought? He convinced her in the manner of a star actor giving an award-worthy performance. He made her believe. Finally.

Ha!

He did great.

Relief settles in, satisfaction over having achieved what he had set out to achieve. But the good feeling only stays for a short moment before it's overshadowed by a dark one. Coldness and hopelessness crawl up his spine and make themselves felt in every part of his body from the very core to the lower limbs as realization kicks in.

He's completely, utterly, all fucked-up.

#xf fanfiction #season 9 #msr #mulder and scully

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