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eunoiaflow3r · 4 years ago

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i hate u, i love u // spencer reid x fem!reader

spencer reid x reader

aaron hotchner x reader

part one - part two

a/n: did i damn near put this entire song in this fic? yes, yes i did i’m so sorry....highly unedited.

how was your guys’ holiday?

warning(s): language. angst. fluff....

word count: 2.6k

request(ed): yes.

summary: old things try to get fixed, while new feelings and places...arise and get mixed.

(wtf am i dr. seuss now??)

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feeling used, but i’m still missing you. and i can’t see the end of this, just wanna feel your kiss, against my lips

and now all this time, is passing by.... but i can’t seem to tell you why. it hurts me every time i see you realize how much i need you...

Seeing Spencer and actually letting all of that out did a number on you. You apologized to Aaron countless times and he said it was okay countless times but you still felt so bad. He didn’t deserve that. He didn’t deserve your drama, and not to mention how embarrassing it’s been. You felt like you ruined his whole night. It was supposed to be fun and yet you didn’t have any. He said he did but you know Hotch didn’t.

You’d have to make it up to him somehow soon but you didn’t know how. How are you supposed to fix this? Any of this??

It feels like you’re being sucked into the eye of a tornado little by little and you just can’t get out. It feels like everyone else is safe on the ground feet planted and they’re all just staring at you and laughing. Staring and not helping.

Your chest hurt. You hated feeling like this. So helpless...and stuck. You were stuck and not ready to fix it...well...part of it. You could still fix one thing. You didn’t have to be stuck here. Here in this small apartment with no room for anything let alone breathe. You needed space. You needed change. You needed control. Everything is spinning in circles and there’s nothing you can do about it. You can’t stop it.

So why not do something that could help you? That you’ve been meaning to do but never had the time for?

Apartment searching. Well...bigger apartment searching.

Where you were staying now was a studio apartment. You loved the open concept except for how small it was. You just need room.

Before...

“I like it here. It’s so small and cute.”

You could tell cute was a foreign word to Spencer when it came to describing a building. But he was trying. You thought he was cute.

“Thanks Spencer but I’m thinking something different. Maybe another bedroom for a roommate...or just a bigger one for y’know...another person.”

You never really brought up the idea of moving in together before. Sure, it’d be easier...his job was nearby, and there was a bus stop at the end of the street, and there was you....so his reaction kind of put you...off.

“Roommate sounds good. One of your friends maybe? Although I wouldn’t want her to y’know...interrupt us.” He had that cute seductive tone to his voice but he wasn’t sounding very cute and seductive.

You weren’t going to argue. “Yeah...a roommate. Who do you think I should ask?” you paused. “Sara or Malia?”

Spencer was quiet for a moment, like he was thinking. “Malia maybe?”

You didn’t have a friend named Malia.

And that’s what hurt the most you think. The fact that you still thought about him 24/7 even though what you had with him wasn’t perfect. You thought it was before..you thought he was before..but now you’re realizing nothing about it was perfect but at least it was something. Now you have nothing.

It was only the afternoon so you decided to look for some places. You found 3 places suitable for what you were looking for. All 3 were good sizes, good prices, and a good amount away from your job and college. You felt almost lucky. This felt almost too easy.

Until you saw the first two places in person. They were okay, but not really what you were looking for.

The last place though...the place was great, the location was great, the neighborhood was great, hell even the yard. Hell, you’d have no use for it, you didn’t have a kid but it was still a nice looking yard. You could tell that someone in the apartment, hopefully your new neighbor, took great care of the gardens.

You looked around at the surrounding mix of apartments and houses (mostly houses) and saw 2 little kids playing in the house 2 houses over. One of them looked like Jack. It couldn’t be, right? Hotch’s house wasn’t over here.

Nevertheless you watched for a few seconds and it was Jack. You decided to go over and say hi.

Jack stopped playing and immediately ran towards you.

“Y/N!!” He grinned. You got down to his level and hugged him back just as enthusiastically.

“Hey Jackie! Whatcha doin?” He only let you call him that. Only you.

“Sleepover. This is Sam. It’s almost time for Ana to drop me off at home though.”

You said hi to Sam and asked if Ana was his mom. She was and as soon as you told Sam your name, Ana came out of the house and waved you over.

“Hey, I’m Y/N. Friend of Jack’s and Hotch.”

She smiled. And shook your hand.

“I’m Ana. I’ve heard about you! Jack talks about you quite a lot.”

You and Ana talked for a while. She seemed like a really amazing person. If you end up getting the place you could see you and her becoming great friends, and since she seemed really busy you offered to take Jack home. She protested but you insisted. It wasn’t like you were doing much anyway. The landlord had already left and you were just going to go home anyway.

On the way to Hotch’s you bought Jack his favorite ice cream. You couldn’t help it.

The whole car ride Jack’s conversation thankfully distracted you but when you got to his house you couldn’t help but remember that night and how embarrassed you felt.

Seeing Hotch only made it worse. Especially since he wasn’t wearing his work clothes- just a shirt and sweatpants, and you couldn’t help but look because he looked incredibly.....good. He looked so great and you were so mad at yourself for how that night ended with him. You were supposed to be having fun and neither of you did.

He hugged you when you got to the door anyway. You explained to him what happened- even the apartment searching while he invited you in for coffee.

A whole year with Spence and he never invited you in. Ever.

Do you miss me like I miss you? Fucked around and got attached to you Friends can break your heart too And I’m always tired but never of you

If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn’t like that shit I put this reel out, but you wouldn’t bite that shit I type a text but then I never mind that shit I got these feelings but you never mind that shit

“Mom, please, I’m fine. Nothing’s wrong.”

Your mom gave you a look over her mug that said, ‘Do I look like I’m dumb?’ And she wasn’t. Perhaps you weren’t any good at hiding your feelings. Could everyone tell?

You were doing better now.

It’s been a month? Maybe two.

Either way it’s been a while and you weren’t as hurt as you were before. Some nights you woke up heart aching, tears falling, but you aren’t as bad as you were those first few weeks.

Truth is, you missed Spencer. You spent those weeks blaming yourself and wondering why you why you?

But you accepted that you weren’t ready for that answer. A part of you had forgiven Spencer. A part.

You were still heartbroken. You were still angry and hurt. But you’ve been trying to move on. In fact, you’d be moving entirely. Yesterday you finished all the paperwork with your new landlord. You were going to finish packing after visiting your mom.

“Momma I’m fine there’s just a lot going on right now.”

She wouldn’t accept that answer. She persisted you told her what was wrong. So you did. You told her about Spencer...and about Hotch...

Aaron.

You had been spending some weekends with him. Some were alone, just the two of you, and other times it was the three of you. Him, Jack, and you. Whenever you thought about Hotch you had the feeling in your stomach you got whenever you heard from Spencer.

But you still have that feeling for Spencer.

Things were so confusing right now - you weren’t sure if you wanted to move on from Spencer. You didn’t want to rush in with Aaron either though. That’d hurt the both of you.

Last weekend...

“Y/N you cannot tell me you think New Girl is better than Friends.”

Aaron was in a gray shirt and sweatpants while you were in relatively the same. You both sat together on his couch each a cup of coffee in your hands. You had promised you’d help him shop with Jack for new clothes and you had just agreed to stay the night since it had gotten so late.

“Oh a hundred percent. New Girl is way better.”

Hotch laughed.

“Friends is a classic. There wouldn’t be a New Girl without Friends.”

“There wouldn’t be a Friends without Living Single Aaron.”

He rolled his eyes but conceded. “True but still. Friends is better.”

You hadn’t been that happy in a while. You were breathing...you were living. Out in the open. Unbidden.

You ever wonder what we could have been? You said you wouldn’t and you fucking did Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix Now all my drinks and all my feelings are fucking mixed

Always missing people that I shouldn’t be missing Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance I know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing But I learned from my dad that it’s good to have feelings

There was a bottle of liquor in your hand

You would have gone to the bar but you were too sad for it. You didn’t have the will.

Earlier today you decided that you should get a muffin from the coffee shop and see how Em was doing. Right when you got to the door, who was in the window caught your eye.

Spencer.

Spencer and JJ.

Laughing, and eating, and kissing...

In the open. Out in public.

Were you just not good enough? Was that it? Could you not understand him because you didn’t work in the BAU? Was what you had all one sided?

Unanswered questions and half a bottle later you were passed out on your couch crying.

You thought you were over it for sure this time. But it still fucking hurts. Is keeping your heart open waiting for him even worth it?

The next morning you took a hot shower. The hottest shower you could handle. You were hungover, and you felt like shit but you still had to pack the rest of your things to move. You still had to move.

Your speakers were on the highest level and your music was so loud you didn’t hear the door knock. You only screamed when you felt someone behind you.

It was Aaron.

“Jesus christ!!” You went to turn down the music.

“You could have killed me!”

“Yes I very well could have!” His arms were crossed. He was upset but still in a playful mood. You could tell. “I could have been a serial killer, you have to lock your doors!”

You rolled your eyes. “Okay, okay, I’ll lock my doors next time.”

He nodded approval as you went to the refrigerator to get him a bottle of water.

“What’s going on?”

“Oh I didn’t tell you?” How had that slipped your mind?

He shook his head.

“I’m moving.”

“You’re moving?” He looked disappointed.

“Yeah not far. A few houses down from Ana actually.”

“Oh good.” He said relieved.”

After that, he decided he wanted to help you. It was nice not being alone even though you told him he didn’t have to stay. He wanted to.

He even helped you transfer the boxes to your new apartment. You didn’t know Aaron had a voice on him...but he did.

“We built this city!” he sang/shouted.

“We built this city on rock and -“

“We built this city!” he answered.

“We built this city on rock and -“

“Rollllllllll” you sang together.

You giggled when the song was over and he grabbed your hand for the rest of the drive. You didn’t pull away. It felt too nice. It felt too right.

After helping you put your boxes into your next place it was time for him to head home. He told you that he could stay and help some more if you wanted but you could tell he was tired. You were tired. You told him you’d call if you needed any more help.

He made you promise you would because he knows you won’t if you feel like you absolutely can do it yourself even when you shouldn’t.

You promised.

On his way out there was a moment where you could have kissed him. Where you were saying goodbye and you were in the doorway and you were close enough to...but you didn’t. You weren’t ready. He knew you weren’t ready. He knew.

The feelings you have for Hotch keep growing but the feelings you have for Spencer stay the same. Spencer used to be your everything. But you weren’t his. You needed someone who would put you first. Well...close to first. Jack should always come first. Always.

You need to come first when it comes to women. Spencer didn’t put you first. Would he ever?

All alone I watch you watch her Like she’s the only girl you’ve ever seen You don’t care you never did You don’t give a damn about me

Yeah, all alone I watch you watch her She is the only thing you ever see How is it you never notice That you are slowly killing me?

Your phones ringtone was blaring and when you opened your tired eyes to read the time on your bedside table it read ‘3 AM.’ Who would call this late? Or...early? Either way you didn’t check the screen and just decided to click green and put the phone to your ear.

“Hello?” Your voice was groggy and you were a little annoyed to be woken up so early. It’s rude to do that to someone. Especially someone who only went to bed three hours ago.

“Y/N.” It wasn’t a question and it wasn’t in command. It was a sigh of relief followed by sniffles and a hiccup. It was Spencer.

“I didn’t think you’d pick up.” he said.

“You’re lucky I didn’t check my screen I should just -“

The only form of communication you’ve had with him since the incident was a few texts. Dry texts. On both ends.

“No!” he panicked. “Please don’t hang up please, please, I - I couldn’t sleep.”

You shut your eyes in frustration. “You called me at three in the morning because you couldn’t sleep?”

“No, I - I’m apologizing because I couldn’t sleep, no I - I’m apologizing because I was - I don’t know -“

“Spencer I really don’t have time for this. I have things to do tomorrow. What’s today Tuesday? We’ll have coffee or something Friday, okay?”

There was silence on the other end for a few seconds. “I have a date, no I mean plans Friday..uhm, Sunday?”

“Sunday.”

And you hung up the phone. You didn’t mean to sound bitter, you didn’t but seriously? You were actually willing to see him for once - maybe a decision your unconscious, pining, mind made - but still, and he can’t because of a date? A date?

With JJ no doubt. Of course it was JJ. It’s always been JJ. Every single time. “I can’t today Y/N JJ needs,” or “JJ called I gotta go,” or “Shoot I’m sorry I know we had plans but JJ -“

Will it always be JJ? Will she always be number one? Has she always been number one and you just never realized it? Have you been the girl he just hung out with because he couldn’t with her?

A few months ago...

“I bought chinese.” You grinned.

“Smells so good.” Spencer took the bags from your hands and kissed you on the cheek.

Spencer picked the movie this time since you picked it last time. He was sitting in the middle of the couch while you had your legs draped across his. Occasionally he’d bring his hand down to rub your legs.

Things were fine. Things were content. Until his phone rang.

“Y/N, It’s JJ I have to go.”

“What does she need?” you ask genuinely worried.

“Nothing I don’t think. I just gotta go.”

I hate you, I love you I hate that I love you You want her, you need her And I’ll never be her

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i literally have no idea what this is i -

team hotch or spence?

if you have any ideas or scene ideas PLEASE tell me

i’m really trying on this happy ending thing

a spencer apology/talk scene is cominggg

i’m liking the idea of two endings? maybe?

spencer tag list: @hotchsbabygirl @pinkdiamond1016 @thefemalestorywriter @sizzlingclamturtlesludge @samyilf123 @mathchampagne @studywithrosie01 @reniescarlett @drreidsconverse @eveliiinnn27 @bweakmybonez

comments tag list: @yeah-just-ignore-me-thanks @geekgirleve @jhiddles03 @carlgrxmes @dreatine @meowiemari @thedaughterofhotchniss @we-are-dreamers42 @unabashedlyswimmingtimemachine @silverchains9182 @realalpacorn @enamouravecleslivresetlechocolat @matthew-gray-g @minami97 @mgg-th1996 @peculiarinsomniac @secondratecomplaint @fallinallinmendes @fantastic-fans @eldahae @psych0crybaby @tclaerh @ashwarren32 @spenciegoob @mustbeaweasleyginger @abschaffer2

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theunderdogwrites · 4 years ago

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THREE BOOKS THAT NEED TO BE WRITTEN AND THEN IMMEDIATELY BANNED

Banning books is not common practice here in Canada. Instead, we “challenge” certain titles. I love us.

The first book banned in the United States was in 1637. And the name of that book is: New English Canaan.

It was written by an English businessman named Thomas Morton. In 1624, he arrived in Massachusetts with a group of Puritans, but left them because he didn’t want to abide by the strict rules and conventional values that made up their new American society.

Morton stomped off and created his own colony (now Quincy, Massachusetts) with the forbidden old-world customs that the Puritans loathed. The Puritan militia exiled him, sparking his anger. He filed a lawsuit and wrote a TELL-ALL-BOOK. Read that again. The first book banned in America was a tell-all-book critiquing and attacking Puritan customs. It was so harsh that even other New English settlers disapproved of it. He compared the Puritans to crustaceans. Imagine living in a time where the most abhorrent insult was being compared to a lobster (the cockroach of the sea back then). Nowadays people will call you a lousy, dirty heathen for forgetting your reusable grocery bag in the car.

If you ask the all-mighty Google search engine which books have been banned, the first site to come up is this one:

http://www.ala.org/advocacy/bbooks/frequentlychallengedbooks/classics

It gives a substantial list of books that have either been banned or seriously challenged over the years and lists the MANY reasons why. The list contains such classics as:

- The Great Gatsby: Challenged at the Baptist College in Charleston, SC (1987) because of "language and sexual references in the book

- Ulysses: Burned in the U.S. (1918), Ireland (1922), Canada (1922), England (1923) and banned in England (1929). (Side note: this book was thought to be “like the work of a disorganized mind” and that makes me laugh)

- 1984: Challenged in the Jackson County, FL (1981) because Orwell's novel is "pro-communist and contained explicit sexual matter."

- Of Mice and Men: Banned from classroom use at the Scottsboro, AL Skyline High School (1983) due to "profanity." The Knoxville, TN School Board chairman vowed to have "filthy books" removed from Knoxville's public schools (1984) and picked Steinbeck's novel as the first target due to "its vulgar language."

- Slaughterhouse Five: Banned in Levittown, NY (1975), North Jackson, OH (1979), and Lakeland, FL (1982) because of the "book's explicit sexual scenes, violence, and obscene language."

I’ve read all these books, except for Ulysses. It’s a 730-page quest I’m not stoked to embark on anytime soon. And with the exception of Slaughterhouse Five, all of these other books were school assignments.

I’ve said this before – I’m a free speech advocate, BUT words and actions have consequences. Do I always agree with those consequences? No. I struggle with ‘cancel culture’ and the unwillingness to let people atone for their behavior. But pulling at that thread right now will start a whole other conversation and I’ll spiral off topic for a long time.

I did a quick search on what books have been banned / challenged recently and found a few:

- Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher (published in 2007)

- The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian by Sherman Alexie (published in 2009)

- Beartown by Fredrik Backman (published 2016)

- Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami (published 2002)

The reasons range from the books being obscene with very vivid descriptions of sex to being vulgar, graphic and just unnecessary subject matter to the use of filthy words to reference masturbation and themes viewed by many as anti-Christian. A couple of these books were specifically targeted because they were being assigned in high schools and parents were the driving force behind getting these titles removed. Fair enough.

There is always going to be someone who gets offended by some thing. Always. And if they have the drive and can convince enough people to see it their way, well then that some thing could be at risk.

Out of all the books I’ve ever read, I can’t think of a single one I found offensive enough to warrant keeping others from reading those words. And I’ve read Mein Kampf. No, this is not me supporting Hitler. If you want to read it, go for it. But let me save you the time you’d be wasting by reading that book with this quick review: Even Hitler distanced himself from the book.

The recent dust-up around the Dr. Seuss books got me to thinking about books I’d like to see written just so they can then be banned. I’ve come up with three. Lucky you.

1. The Cat Owner’s Guide to Being Owned

Synopsis: So, you got yourself a cat? Welcome to The Thunderdome. Prepare to be dominated! This book will assist you through the process and inevitable transformation into the 1-20 year sentence of being a servant to your house tiger. You will be taught how to cope with your newfound humility because of realizations such as:

1. You are no longer in charge

2. Scooping piss and poop from a litterbox is a chore you willingly took on when you brought that fucking cat into your home

3. Failure to fill a food dish that is already 65% full results in constant pestering and could bring on serious consequences ranging from the destruction of your valuables to urine-soaked bed sheets. Please note: you no longer own any valuables

4. Your size is a non-factor. The house tiger is a brilliant survivor who will not think twice about eating your eyes should you die in your sleep

By the end of this book, you will have come to the conclusion that you may have made a mistake.

Why this book should be banned: If the cats get a hold of it, WE ARE DOOMED.

2. Your Period and You, by Dr. Peter Tampon

Synopsis: Dr. Tampon is a renowned Florida based gynecologist who understands women and the female experience better than most women. And in this follow up to his multi copy selling debut “Lady, It’s Not Your Hypothyroidism, You’re Just Fat and Lazy!”, he will tell you all the reasons why you get so fucking batshit crazy one week a month. Discover your body through the eyes of a male professional and learn practises to save everyone around you from certain peril should they speak to you during Aunt Flow’s monthly visit. Techniques include: just keeping your mouth shut, crying into your pillow to avoid bothering others with your weeping sounds, going for a long, long walk so no one has to deal with your imagined pain & discomfort and Dr. Tampon’s personal favorite – it’s all in your head.

Why this book should be banned: If it’s not self-explanatory then chances are you’re an actual tampon.

3. In Absence: A True Crime Novel About The Disappearance of Kindness

Synopsis: It’s 2021 and in the midst of a worldwide pandemic – Kindness is missing. But where did it go? Some will blame The Maskless Deniers – a group of petulant children posing as adults hellbent on spreading selfishness and misinformation about their personal freedoms being violated. Perhaps science is the culprit; with all it’s pesky facts and unashamed insistence that you pay attention. Others will say it’s The Sheeple – those willing to blindly follow without question while forcing others to adhere to public health orders. And then there are those who will say the world is full of jackasses who feel they have invisible permission to create chaos and screw civility in the eye socket, so Kindness packed its bags and left on its own.

Why this book should be banned: Maybe it shouldn’t? Maybe this needs to be written about and just left alone.

“We but mirror the world. All the tendencies present in the outer world are to be found in the world of our body. If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. This is the divine mystery supreme. A wonderful thing it is and the source of our happiness. We need not wait to see what others do.” – Mahatma Gandhi

#kindness #banned books #cats #dr seuss #gandhi #pandemic

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weasleydream · 4 years ago

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Their girl

Here it is!! I have to admit I’m proud of this one (that’s why I even made a teaser) and I really hope you will love it too!

Just for information, a part is based on HBP movie and I’ve used a citation from Dr. Seuss (Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.)

I really hope you enjoyed as much as I did, and don’t hesitate to give me feedbacks and to comment, like or reblog!

Masterlist

(gif not mine)

Teaser

The trail was narrow, so narrow that the brambles growing on each side hurt my legs through the torn fabric of my jeans. I held my wand as tight as possible with my right hand while I constantly wiped my sweat from my forehead with my left one. My breath was jerky and my lungs were burning, along with my legs, but I couldn’t take the risk to stop now. I had to reach the cavern as soon as possible; I had to tell Sirius he was caught. The screams were getting louder and louder behind me. I didn’t have to turn around to see they were catching up with me. Suddenly, the somber entrance of the cavern appeared in front of me.

Something was wrong. When I had left, the ivy was arranged so that it could hide the cavern, but now it was on the ground. Fearing that Sirius had already been found, I used my last strengths and ran in the cavern. Sirius was nowhere to be seen, but George was here. He was standing a few meters away from me, looking at me with the same look full of hatred than my pursuers.

“You lied to me.”

His voice was hoarse, and I heard all the venom he probably wished he could have spit. His hands were clenched in fists and he took a few steps forward. I feared him. What if he hit me? The George I knew would have never done it, but the boy in front of me wasn’t really him. It was a copy, just a copy whose goal was to destroy me at all costs.

Absorbed by George, I hadn’t realized the screams were louder than ever. I suddenly felt their presence behind me and I slowly turned around, deciding giving my back to George was less dangerous than ignoring what was behind. When I saw their bodies, I gasped loudly and my weak knees stopped supporting me. They were both dead, their faces covered in blood as it seemed like they had been severely beaten. Crimson drops fell regularly from a strand of Sirius’ hair. Remus’ scars were completely invisible underneath the bruises. My loud cry echoed in the stone and I clasped my hands on my mouth.

The crowd in front of me opened, people stepping backward with a sort of silent respect emanating from them. He walked slowly toward me, his snake eyes fixed on mine and his smile more terrifying than anything else.

“They are dead because of you, Y/N. You are the responsible of their death. They are dead because of you.”

Lord Voldemort took his wand and pointed it on me. In a last attempt to stay alive, I jumped on my feet even though I was too desperate to find a way to escape. It was useless, though, because George’s arms were maintaining me firmly in front of my death.

“They are dead because of you, Y/N. They are dead because of you. Because of you. Because of you..”

I suddenly woke up, tangled in the sheets that were now soaked with my sweat. I sat and pushed furiously with my legs until the wet fabric fell on the floor and I threw my pillow against the wall, for good measure. I had felt my tears on it, and the salty drops were still rolling on my cheeks. I tried my best to calm my breath, but the terror that had taken over me was too strong. I abruptly got up and hit the nearest wall. Once, twice. I only stopped when my breath became less shaky and I felt the blood flooding from my knuckles. I decided I didn’t care and sat on the floor, the back resting against the wall, and like absolutely every night since I had to stay with Sirius, I thought about both my life and my nightmares.

I was an orphan. I had spent all my childhood in a muggle orphanage, not understanding why strange things happened around me and not around the others. One day, I had received Professor Dumbledore’s visit and he had explained me everything. The magical world, Hogwarts, he had even given me some informations about the first wizarding war that had killed both my parents. A few weeks later, I had sat on a stool with the Sorting Hat on the head and ended in Gryffindor. During my first years, I had made a lot of friends, I had played Quidditch… I wasn’t in the team, but my two best friends, Fred and George Weasley, had taught me everything about their favourite sport and whenever they invited me to their house, we would play during hours. Everything had changed during my sixth year, when I had met Sirius Black, who had escaped Azkaban the previous year. It was the very first breakout, and he was known as a dangerous murderer. But one day, as I was walking alone in Hogsmeade, three older men had attacked me and dragged me behind an empty shop. I didn’t know what would have happened if a huge black dog hadn’t showed up at this moment. Saying I was surprised when I saw the dog turning into Sirius Black and when I had understood he had saved me would be an understatement. However, I hadn’t been afraid. Something in his eyes, the desperation he showed me was enough for me to trust everything he had said. The following weeks, I had brought him food and blankets to make sure he would survive, even if I was obviously not the only one. I had always been careful not to be seen, but one day, two kids had followed me and seen Sirius. We had both seen them, and we knew they would denounce me. From this day, I hid with Sirius and no one never had any new of me, except Remus Lupin who was the only one to know where we were along with Dumbledore. The only thing I truly regretted was my bond with the twins, and even a bit more with George, who I liked very very much.

From this day, the nightmares haunted my nights, and I always had one solution. I eventually decided to get my ass up and left my room in the 12, Grimmauld Place. I came downstairs, hoping I would find Sirius in the living-room. A fire was burning in the chimney, which obviously wasn’t for the temperature, because since the beginning of the summer, London was a burning hell. No, I knew the cracklings of the fire were something quite reassuring for Sirius when he was woken up by his own nightmares. I found him lying on the couch. His eyes were closed but there was no snore escaping from his mouth.

“Sirius,” I whispered. “Please, groan if you’re awake.”

Indeed, he groaned loudly and opened his eyes after an ostensible yawn intended to make me understand how he wanted to sleep.

“Come on, make me some room.”

Sirius rolled his eyes and sat, letting me enough space to sit next to him.

“You want to talk about it?” He asked with a hoarse voice.

I knew he was looking at me, probably as worried as each night. And like every night, I shook my head, he sighed, passed an arm around my shoulders and recalled a funny story of his Hogwarts years. And as usual, I thought of how lucky I was to be with him, and how he and Remus were the closest things to a family I had ever had.

Remus arrived soon in the next morning to announce us we would have some visit. It was quite unexpected: in fact, since the end of June, Sirius, Remus and I had been the only ones in this scary house. When I recognized Dumbledore’s half-moon spectacles, my mouth fell wide open.

“I’m glad to see you too, miss Y/L/N.” He said with a smile. “I have to admit I would have been curious to see the results you would have obtained with your NEWTs but, what do you want, I guess it wasn’t meant for you.”

I shrugged, not really knowing what to answer. Even if I wasn’t an Hogwarts student anymore - and this thought always made my heart sting a bit - Albus Dumbledore was the kind of person who was intimidating, the kind you didn’t want to say stupid stuff in front of.

“But I’m not here to embarrass you with school problems. According to the situation we are facing, I want to inform the three of you that from now, the Order of the Phoenix rises from the ashes.”

I knew perfectly well what the Order of the Phoenix was. Dumbledore himself had told me about it a few years ago, back in the orphanage, and Sirius and Remus had also told me plenty of stories about it. But that wasn’t really a shock; after all, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was back and someone had to stop him. What shocked me was what Dumbledore told us after, with his piercing eyes fixed on me as if he knew how affected I would be.

“The Order has already found new members. Before the end of the week, the Weasleys will install here and help with the meetings. Molly and Arthur want to participate, and they will bring five of their children.”

After that, I was too taken aback to listen to their discussion. I caught a glimpse of Remus’ eyes on me before I stormed out of the kitchen where we had been and joined my room. Although I desperately wanted it to be a joke, a voice in my head whispered viciously I would have to face the twins in less than a week. My best friends, my first crush, whose several letters had always been ignored because I couldn’t take the risk to answer them… In the last one I had received, they had written they thought maybe I was dead. Maybe someone had kidnapped me, and when they had looked for me, they were too late. It was painful to read that, to know how pained they had been whereas I was alive, just unable to give them any information.

And they were going to live in this house for an entire summer.

“Bloody hell!” I shouted.

The door opened and Remus’ head appeared. He had obviously understood what was going in my mind as he sat next to me and ruffled softly my hair. I had noticed it was his way to show me some affection, because he was way more timid than Sirius who never hesitated to hug me if he wanted to.

“I know it will be difficult for you, Y/N, but it will be okay.” He said.

Something in his voice was reassuring, it was a true gift he had. No wonder why he had been every Hogwarts student’s favourite professor, me included. Despite his terrible condition, this guy had the biggest heart I had even seen.

“What if they hate me?” I whispered, looking up to him with teary eyes. “I haven’t shown any sign of life, they think I’m dead. What if they hate me for lying to them?”

“Technically, you didn’t lie, you just hid a part of the truth.” It was Sirius, whose shoulder was resting against the doorframe.

“Thank you, Sirius.” I narrowed my eyes at him and he grinned. Without even looking, I knew Remus had rolled his eyes.

“But Remus is right. Don’t worry, it will be okay. And if it isn’t, this house is big enough for you to avoid them.”

Sirius quickly dodged the pillow I had thrown to him and left with a laugh. Remus patted my shoulder and followed him, letting me alone with my thoughts.

I thought I was prepared. Hell, I had learned a speech to explain my situation, and to apologize. I should have known I would froze as soon as I would see them. And Merlin, it didn’t miss. The first ones to enter the house were Molly and Arthur. I recognized their voices, unable to see them because I was hidden in the kitchen. They had been like my parents, they had welcomed me in their house, and all of sudden, I felt the urge to jump in Molly’s comforting embrace. I had to remind myself I wanted to see the twins first. They immediately followed their parents and my heart skipped a beat when I heard them for the first time in months.

“I didn’t think I could visit a place dirtier than Filch’s office.”

I was pretty sure it was Fred. I couldn’t help but smile genuinely. George said something I couldn’t understand, and I heard Sirius describing them the way to the kitchen, asking them to grab something for him. Apparently, one of them wanted to use his wand - I suddenly remember they were now allowed to use magic outside school - but Sirius dissuaded them by showing the lovely portrait of his mother. A few seconds later, the door opened, and the twins stepped in the kitchen.

The only noise was the one of the door closing as Fred and George looked at me with round eyes and wide open mouth. I stood in front of them with what was probably the dumbest look ever seen on my face but unable to remember a bloody word of my speech. The first one to react was George, and before I could even process the fact that he had blinked, he was engulfing me in a bone crushing hug. Fred soon followed and I found myself in the middle of a Weasley sandwich in no time. I had imagined plenty of scenarios for this moment, but me bawling my eyes out in their arms wasn’t really what I expected. If anything, I would have thought the contrary would happen.

I would be unable to say how long we stayed like this, but no one interrupted us. I supposed Sirius and Remus had explained the situation to everyone by now, and they wanted us to sort things out.

“Why?” That was Fred’s first words for me. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“What the hell even happened?” continued George. “Y/N, we thought you were dead. Dead! You just disappeared, like this and... “

“And we’ve felt so fucking guilty!” exclaimed Fred. “We thought it was our fault, that we shouldn’t have let you alone and -”

“Stop.” I had murmured but they both shut up, obviously waiting for an explanation.

And I gave it to them, without omitting any detail (except my crush on George), I told them everything from the day Sirius had saved me until the previous week when I had freaked out when learning they would come. I told them about my nightmares and how badly I had wanted to send them an owl, how guilty I had felt when I had read their last letter. They listened to me without saying anything, the same look in the eyes. I was unable to read them right now, their faces were closed and they weren’t even looking at me. When I finally finished, a heavy silent took place.

“Aren’t you going to say anything?” I felt something like anger boiling in my veins, even though I knew I shouldn’t be the angry one.

“It’s a lot to process.” Fred said quietly.

“Y/N, I don’t think you understand…” If I didn’t know him better, I would have thought George was on the verge of crying. “We’ve hoped you were alive, somewhere… They have told us you were probably gone on your own, but we knew better than that. Then they have told us maybe you had been kidnapped, and you were probably dead. They… They wanted us to let go of you, to forget you, and we have.” I felt my heart stinging. “We have because it was too painful to think you had given up on us, and it was even worse to think you were dead. You can’t blame us for not knowing what to think. You just can’t.”

With that, he turned the heels and left, followed by Fred. None of them even looked at me, and if they had done so, they would have seen the most broken expression I had even shown. I knew it would be difficult but I had hoped they could understand they weren’t the only ones suffering in this. I had been forced to give up on my life, on the only place that had been home for me. I had lost my first real family.

I decided to avoid everyone and hid in my room for the rest of the day. When the diner approached, my stomach started to rumble but I refused to go downstairs and risk to run into Fred and George. I wanted to see Molly and Arthur along with Ron and Ginny and the mysterious fifth sibling accompanying them. However, I feared the same reaction than the twins, and I didn’t think I could handle that.

A soft knock on the door interrupted my thought. I ignored it, hoping that whoever was here would understand and leave me alone.

“Hey, groan if you’re awake.”

I chuckled despite myself and dragged my tired body to the door to let Sirius in. I immediately came back to my bed and dramatically threw myself on it.

“I guess it didn’t happen like you wanted.”

I shook my head, my face still hidden in the pillow. I felt his hand on my shoulder.

“I understand it’s hard but it will be okay, Y/N. Remus and I have explained everything to Molly and Arthur. Molly told us she would talk to Fred and George but only if you bring your ass downstairs. I think she wants to know if we feed you correctly.” I laughed.

“We’re lucky she wasn’t with us in this cavern then.”

Sirius faked an horrified expression.

“Merlin, you’re right. She would have killed me and fed you with more mashed potatoes than a normal human being could ever eat.”

“Or killed you too for scaring her like that.” Remus passed his head through the door and smiled at me. “The dinner is ready, prepared by no one else than Molly. Come on Y/N, you can’t miss that.” He added when I shook my head.

I gave up and followed Remus and Sirius downstairs. They went directly in the kitchen and I timidly followed them. The conversations suddenly stopped and a loud noise echoed. Molly had dropped the dish she was holding and rushed toward me, her arms wide open. Without thinking about it, I threw mine around her neck.

“Y/N, I’m so happy to see you! Oh, dear, you have no idea how worried we’ve been!” She lowered her voice and murmured in my ear: “Don’t worry for Fred and George. They are quite surprised, but they have missed you so much…”

I smiled weakly and Molly returned to her dish. I saw Arthur conversing with Remus, but the twins were nowhere to be seen. On the other hand, Bill’s presence was a pleasant surprise. I had always gotten along with all the Weasley family, even Percy who would always want to play chess with me, even if he always lost. I also saw Ron and Ginny, the latter sending be a broad smile before hugging me. I suddenly realized how much I had missed them and I felt my heart swelling with joy. It would have been a perfect dinner if the twins had been there.

Later that night, another nightmare woke me up. I straightened in my bed, my shoulders shaking in the rhythm of my sobs. The look of hatred the Fred of my nightmare had thrown me was engraved in my memory, and the voice of his brother saying he hated me echoed in my ears. A shiver ran down my spine, and I caught myself fearing the dark around me. Suddenly unable to stay here, I rushed out of my room, not really bothering to be silent as I ran downstairs. I needed more than ever to see Sirius, to hear one of his stories or literally anything that would make me forget my nightmare. According to the crackling of the flames I heard, he was there. I found him sitting on the usual couch with a wooden box on the knees. His shaky hands were holding a letter. I stopped, fearing he wouldn’t accept my presence tonight, but Sirius looked up to me and a sad smile appeared on his face.

“Another nightmare?”

I just nodded, a huge lump in my throat preventing me from saying anything. I sat next to him and waited patiently for him to tell me what he was reading.

“It’s one of the last letters Lily Potter has sent to me. This,” he said while handing me a photo, “is the photo she has sent with the letter. It’s Harry, it was his first birthday.” He pointed at baby Harry, whose forehead was still free from any scar. “And this is James.” Sirius stifled a sad laugh while looking at his friend’s legs. It was the only part of his body we could see, and I could tell he was running behind Harry. “I wish I could have been here…” murmured Sirius.

I didn’t know what to say. Quite fortunately for me, Sirius sighed and put the letter and the photo back in the box. He delicately carried the latter to the table and came back next to me.

During the following days, I spent a lot of time with Ginny and Ron. They told me everything that had happened in my absence, carefully omitting all twins-related subjects. I also talked a lot with Molly, mostly about futile things as cooking and Charlie’s work in Romania. Arthur and Bill weren’t here often. We also received Nymphadora Tonks’ visit a few times, along with Alastor Moody’s one. However, despite the several persons surveying the corridors of this house, I felt more alone than ever.

My second proper conversation with Fred and George happened almost a week after the first one. I had done my best to avoid the cleaning of the house. When Sirius and I were alone here, the dust and the spiders weren’t a problem, but Molly wanted the place to be as livable as possible. I had pretended I was sick, which had earned me narrowed eyes from Remus, and I was now alone in my room. I was curled up on the threadbare seat in front of the window, looking at those who had the chance to be able to walk in the street. The door opened so slowly it didn’t make any noise. What warned me was the squeak of the floor and I turned vividly the head to see George closing the door.

“I heard you were sick.” His voice was quiet and it was the first time in a week he actually looked at me in the eyes. A little smile appeared on his face. “You don’t seem at death’s door, though.”

“I just didn’t feel like cleaning all day… I swear if I see one more dead rat I’m gonna explode.”

We both laugh, two shy laughters that filled my heart with something I had missed a lot: the bliss of being with one of my best friends. George walked toward me and raised an eyebrow, asking me silently if he was allowed to sit. In response, I made him some room. He sat in front of me, in the same position and his gaze drifted for awhile.

“It’s kind of funny, when you think about it.”

George looked at me, probably alarmed by my nostalgic tone. I hadn’t realized I had spoken, but when I caught his look, I continued.

“Everyone blames everyone for what happened but in the end… It’s no one’s fault.”

“What do you mean?”

“Fred and you blame me for disappearing, and probably Sirius for showing me who he was.” He didn’t deny. “You also blame yourselves because I was alone this day. I blame myself because I was the one deciding to help Sirius, and he blames himself for involving me in this. But in fact, none of us is really responsible, you know? We couldn’t know how this would turn out…”

“You’re right, we couldn’t.” It was Fred, who had obviously succeeded in avoiding his mother too. I hadn’t heard him arrive either. “And we don’t really blame you. You shouldn’t think that, Y/N.”

“Do you think one day you’ll stop hating me?”

I sounded so pathetic but it was maybe my worst fear. If they couldn’t forgive me…

“We don’t hate you, Y/N. We have never hated you.”

George had stood up and grabbed my hand. He pulled me toward him, tightening me against his chest.

“We don’t hate you…” he repeated.

At this very moment, my heart could have stopped beating and it wouldn’t have mattered. I was happier than I had ever been, knowing that my two best friends were here with me. And my laughters were more genuine than it had been in a long time when Fred exclaimed:

“You’re adorable, but I’m starving. I’m sure it’s time for a snack.”

From this point, what was going to be a living hell became the best summer I ever had. I spent my days cleaning with Fred, George, Ron, Ginny and when they arrived, Harry and Hermione and my nights talking with the twins. Sometimes, Molly caught us three still awake at unholy hours and sent me in my room, but it was quite rare. I was pretty sure most of the time, she let me with her sons on purpose. These nights, my nightmares were worse than usual.

Fred and George’s absence during the school year worsened considerably my state. By June, I was barely able to close my eyes more than three or four hours per night and I had to admit I was a pitiful sight to see.

“Y/N, have you seen the bags under your eyes?” exclaimed Remus one evening in the middle of June.

He and Sirius had called me in the living-room and were lecturing me.

“You need to tell us what’s happening.” Whereas Remus was getting angry, which was very unusual and quite worrying, Sirius’ voice was softer and his eyes were fixing me. “You worry us Y/N. You don’t sleep enough anymore and… It seems to be worse.”

“We thought maybe you need some fresh air.” Added Remus. “We have asked Molly if you can stay at the Burrow a few days. Would you like it?”

“I don’t want to disturb.” I mumbled.

“You won’t, don’t worry. Plus, she’s asked for weeks to see you.” said softly Sirius.

No sooner said than done, I was immediately sent to pack my things in my room while Remus warned Molly I would arrive the next day. And it didn’t fail: a few hours later, I was desperately trying to escape her hug. Plus, I hadn’t eaten anything since the previous evening and a delicious smell was arriving in my nostrils from the kitchen. My stomach started to rumble and I was quite surprised I wasn’t drooling yet. Molly dragged me toward the table and put in front of me a plate with an unknown meat covered in sauce. It took the best of myself for me not to swallow everything in one bite. Molly was somewhere outside, she had warned me she was going to get some vegetables in the garden. The silence here was different from the one in Grimmauld Place. Back in there, it was heavy, charged with all the awful things said and done in this house when Sirius was younger. His constant melancholy seemed to impregnate the walls. But at the Burrow, the walls weren’t blank, they were covered in pictures and drawings. Everything in the house, from the chess board that was on the chimney to the blanket always laying on the couch during the coldest days of winter, everything here sent whoever stepped in this fabulous house a pleasant feeling of being home. Maybe Remus and Sirius weren’t wrong after all, maybe things would get better for me after staying here.

The following day was the most normal one I had in years. I woke up in Bill’s old room, joined Molly in the kitchen for the breakfast - Arthur was already at work - and spent the morning helping her with different chores. The sun being high in the sky, we decided the garden could use a bit of weeding and after the lunch, Molly handed me a pair of gloves. Taking a well deserved break, two hours or so later, I sat on a bench.

“Oh, I have forgotten to tell you!” Molly stopped in her tracks and turned toward me, smiling at me. “I’ve sent an owl to Fred and George. They are very busy with their shop but they’ll come to say hello, probably tomorrow.”

I grinned excitedly, already eager to see my best friends. I couldn’t visit them, still wanted for helping Sirius, and that was bothering me a much as them. I couldn’t help but notice Molly’s smile faltering when she mentioned the shop, and according to the look she was arbouring, I knew I was in for an entire discussion about it.

“I can’t believe they left school!” Molly exploded, making me jump. I got up and approached her. “I mean I knew they thought it was a waste of time but what if their shop doesn’t work? What are they going to do?”

“Molly, they are smart. If they left, that’s because they are confident. From what I know, they already have a lot of fans, and even if it doesn’t work as expected - which I highly doubt, everything seems always fine with these two! - they’ll find something else. Don’t worry for them.”

My answer obviously wasn’t what Molly wanted to hear, but that was what I thought. I had seen a few inventions, had barely avoided testing some others, and I knew the boys were motivated.

We gardened in silence another hour and when the heat became too much to bear, we retreated in the welcome freshness of the house. I let myself fall on a chair, completely exhausted.

“I would never have thought gardening was that physical!”

Molly laughed and replied something, but a loud noise from the chimney covered the sound of her voice. We both rushed in the living-room to see Remus barely standing on his feet. His face showed more tiredness than I had ever seen on him, more desperation too. The tears flooding from his eyes created shining trails on his cheeks.

I froze, simply unable to make my brain work long enough to ask him what was happening. Unconsciously, I kept glancing at the chimney to see Sirius appear.

Little did I know what Remus had to tell me.

“Remus, Remus tell me what’s happening!”

Molly was fussing around him, checking some injuries I hadn’t even noticed. His eyes were fixed on his knees and mine on him, and the more time passed, the more the fear crept on me. Slowly, I was understanding what had happened but when Remus finally told it, his shaky voice so different from his usual calm one, it didn’t prevent my heart from almost stopping after a few painful beats.

“Sirius is dead.”

Honestly, I didn’t think three words could be that painful. No nightmare, no I hate you from anyone could hurt that much. I never thought one day, I would feel my heart slowly cracking before exploding under the weight of my loss. He’s gone. Dead. He’s not here anymore.

I felt like I was drowning, but in the same time, I became more aware of the two pairs of eyes on me. Molly’s mouth was opened in shock, her hand was stopped in the air, as if she had wanted to put it on my shoulder, and Remus was looking at me like he was trying his best not to break down. He had just lost his best friend, one of the only people who had ever understood him, and I knew how distraught he was, but the hole in my heart was filling with anger and I found myself clenching my fists to contain it. Remus choked out a few words, trying his best to explain what had happened. It took all my will to stay calm, but when I understood Sirius had left the house to fight a stupid battle, I lost it.

“Why did he leave the house?”

My voice was quiet, muffled by the lump of pain in my throat. I was trembling as a wave of rage hit me.

“He should have never left! It was Dumbledore’s order! Why did he leave? WHY DID YOU LET HIM LEAVE?”

I was screaming non senses the loudest possible. Without realizing it, I found myself in the kitchen, enveloped in Molly’s embrace. But I wasn’t done, I needed to get whatever I was feeling out, I couldn’t let it suffocate me. I was still yelling, struggling to make Molly let go of me. She finally loosened her grip, but her eyes were still worried when she saw Remus entering in the kitchen. Understanding the silent message of his pleading eyes, she left in the living-room, letting us alone.

“Y/N, please, let me -”

“Explain? Are you gonna tell me how he’s- how he’s dead, or are you gonna find an excuse on why he left this bloody house?”

Ignoring my provocation, Remus forced himself to adopt a calmer attitude and explained everything. The Ministry, the arch. A deafening silence took place as soon as he finished, a silence I couldn’t bring myself to break because I feared I would explode once more. But hell, I couldn’t clench my fists harder, blood was already straining my skin as my nails were deep on my flesh, and I was trembling more and more. Without any warning sign, I screamed and hit abruptly the table. I didn’t even see Remus flinching when I grabbed a bowl containing fruits and threw it toward him. I missed him and frantically looked for something else. My tears were blinding me and my throat sore from screaming that much, and the floor was littered with broken glasses and scattered food.

From what I was able to see through the veil of tears covering my eyes, Remus was standing in front of me, trembling with all his being and not doing anything to stop me. He was accepting all my unfair accusations, all my hurtful words spat with venom. He didn’t say anything, obviously beating himself up with his guilt. Among my screams and my tears, I didn’t even notice Molly sneaking in the kitchen, followed by Fred and George. I only realized they were here when a pair of arms gripped me tightly and dragged me outside.

The air had considerably freshened, contrasting with the emotions boiling inside me. I found myself being hugged once more, and the feeling of two bodies pressed against mine finally got me out of the abyss. I just stayed here, my face hidden in George’s neck, sobbing and repeating I didn’t want him gone.

“My parents and now… Am I not enough? Why does no one stay?”

Fred’s arms tightened around my waist and George tensed, and I sobbed with renewed vigour. I couldn’t tell how much time passed while I was wrapped in this comforting embrace, but when I finally lifted my head, I noticed Fred was gone. George was looking at me, an hand on my lower back and the other cupping my cheek. When another tear rolled down on my face, he gently wiped it with his thumb and pressed me against his chest. He didn’t say he was sorry, he didn’t say it would be okay, he just showed me he was with me.

The sun was on the verge of going down when I considered the thought of getting inside. George’s arm was still around me, acting like a protective blanket against the cold air of the evening and the pain threatening to drown me. The sound of steps behind us made me jump, and I turned my head to see Fred watching us with a sad smile. He sat next to me and put his hand on my back.

“The kitchen was a mess, I don’t think Peeves could have done better.” He laughed softly when I let out a watery chuckle. “Don’t worry though, Mum, R- and I have fixed it.”

“You don’t need to be careful of what you’re saying around me. I need you both to be… To be just you, or else I won’t been able to do it.”

“Don’t worry, we’ll be as annoying as usual.” assured George with a smirk.

“You’ll want to get rid of us in an hour.” added Fred.

“Never.” I murmured before being engulfed in another Weasley sandwich.

What got me to bring my ass in the living-room was a loud sob echoing in the house. I knew who it was, and my unfair anger immediately vanished when I heard for the very first time Remus crying. I rushed in the room and jumped on him, throwing my arms around his neck and tightening him like my life depended on it. Remus was doing the same thing, and this hug was painful, both physically and mentally. We didn’t say anything, but we both knew what it meant.

Now, it was just the both of us.

I didn’t sleep this night, nor did I even close my eyes the following one. I had to hear everyone arguing around me about what they would do with me. Molly wanted me to stay at the Burrow, Remus refused and said he would take care of me while Fred and George thought I should live with them, their main point being that I had to see their shop.

“She could help us!” had proposed George.

Only at this moment did I realize I was now free to go wherever I wanted. And it seemed like the others had understood it as well because Molly came up with the idea of sending me back to Hogwarts.

“No. I stay with Remus.”

I didn’t really recognize my voice. It was hoarse, my throat being sore from the hours I had spent crying the last two days. I felt plenty of worried eyes on me and suddenly felt oppressed. I turned the heels and escaped the overcrowded kitchen of the Burrow, preferring the silence in the garden.

I immediately recognized the hand on my shoulder, and didn’t hesitate before resting my head on his shoulder.

“I promise I’ll come to your shop soon.” I murmured. “I just don’t feel like it right now.”

“I know, love.” answered George. “Don’t worry.”

My heart fluttered when I heard the nickname he had always given me, remembering me the pain wasn’t the only thing I was allowed to feel. I caught myself hoping he would kiss me for the first time in months before mentally scolding my stupid feelings. Sirius was dead and I thought of kissing George? What was wrong with me?

I had decided to stick with Remus without thinking about what it implied. I had to go back to Grimmauld Place. Remus had been reluctant to tell me, fearing I would freak out or throw him another bowl in the face, but also because he knew how painful it would be for the both of us. “I don’t want you to suffer more than you already are.” he had told me. I knew he wanted badly to find another solution, but Dumbledore had ordered him to stay there until he figured out what to do with the house.

So here I was, unable to push this stupid door and enter this stupid house. Remus was patiently waiting behind me, but I suspected him to have a hard time too. Finally, the hand I had put on the handle five minutes ago pushed the door and I took a few steps in the dark hall. I thought I would break down and scream, the pain and the anger taking over me, but I certainly didn’t expect the numbness I was currently feeling. It was like I wasn’t controlling my own body as I climbed the stairs to reach my room, not really paying attention to what Remus had told me or to Kreacher looking down on me.

The main reason I hadn’t slept since Sirius’ death was the fear. I knew what would come as soon as my eyes would close: the nightmares would be more terrifying than ever.

“You can’t stay awake forever, Y/N.” had said George when I had confessed him my fear.

And I knew he was right, of course he was, but that didn’t prevent me from freaking out each time my eyelids closed against my will. However, in the middle of this night, as I was lulled by the crickets chirpings, I fell asleep.

The cavern was empty. I was curled up in a corner, hidden in the shadows as people kept walking in front of the entrance without coming in. I couldn’t understand their whispers, but I was pretty sure they were talking about me. Some were hissing my name with venom while metallic noises echoed against the stone. Weapons. My breath was shaky, and my arms, which were wrapped around my knees, kept trembling. Suddenly, something happened outside.

The people at the entrance seemed to panic as someone shouted among them. Rushed steps noises blurred the voices for a moment, and soon the shadow of a man appeared on the floor. His voice hadn’t this reassuring tone it used to have.

“Y/N, where are you? Come say hello… Y/N, I know you miss me. Why don’t you show yourself?”

Sirius’ voice was creepy. He seemed totally insane, yet I was so desperate to see him that I looked up. I was still hidden in the shadows and he couldn’t see me, but I could see perfectly well his knotted hair surrounding his gaunt face. He had a faint smile, but the most terrifying about him was the gleam of insanity in his eyes. I let out a gasp and Sirius pointed directly his wand on me.

“Here you are, Y/N. Come say hello, come say hello to me…”

Without realizing it, I had jumped out of bed as soon as I had opened my eyes and slammed the door open. My bare feets made no noise on the dusty floor as I rushed in the living-room.

“Sirius where are you?”

Only after my desperate call did I realize I was alone here. No cracklings from the fire, no bottle of wine on the table, no story to tell, no one to comfort me. Sirius was gone. Despite these last two days of mourning, it was the first time I completely understood what death meant, and the pain brought by this realization was too painful. I was barely aware of the screams escaping my mouth, of the tears covering my cheeks, of the blood on my knuckles as I hit the wall. I didn’t hear Remus arriving, didn’t feel his arms around me or processed the words he was saying to me. The only thing I knew was that Sirius was really gone, and he would never come back.

I opened my eyes in a room I had never seen before. I gasped loudly and practically jumped off the bed. It took me a few seconds to recognize Remus, uncomfortably sleeping on a chair on a corner of the room. His face should have been relaxed, yet I still could see little wrinkles around his eyes and on his forehead. While looking at him, I also remembered the previous night. The nightmare, the living-room, Sirius. Just thinking of him was incredibly painful and I let out a sob. Remus immediately woke up and was next to me in a split second. He engulfed me in a hug, pressing my shaking body against his chest.

“You were screaming.” he murmured. “And crying. Just before passing out in exhaustion, you said you didn’t want to see this place… I thought I could bring you here. We’re at my house.”

“Thank you.” My voice was so muffled by his neck, where I had hidden my face, that I wasn’t even sure he could hear me. “But Dumbledore -”

“It doesn’t matter.” Remus interrupted me with a very soft voice. “You matter.”

“How did he die?”

My question seemed to shock him as I felt him tensing. He slowly pushed me away to look at me in the eyes, probably expecting to see tears. And he was totally right: my sight was blurry and my cheeks wet, but I needed to know how it had happened, or else I knew I wouldn’t find peace. Remus understood that and told me everything, from Harry’s connexion with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named to the fight in front of the ark. When he finished, the silence seemed to last for hours before I eventually found something to say.

“He was laughing… He was in the middle of a fight with Death Eaters and he was laughing…”

“Yeah, we know how he is…” answered Remus with a nostalgic tone.

None of us bothered to correct what he had said. Maybe because deep down, we knew Sirius would always be there.

I was so drown in my own grief that I hadn’t really realized I wouldn’t be the only one suffering. There was Remus, of course, even though he was always hiding his feelings in front of me so that I could focus on mine, but there was also Harry.

Remus had told me a few members of the Order would accompany the Weasleys to welcome Harry and Ron back at King’s Cross. He had insisted that I should go with them, that it would be nice to get out of the house, which I hadn’t done once. When the day of their return arrived, Remus and I met Tonks, Mad-Eye, Molly, Arthur, Fred and George. The twins both hugged me but they didn’t say anything about Sirius, which I appreciated. I didn’t want to talk about it, about my pain and my sadness, but when I saw Harry appearing after walking through the barrier and the look he sent me, I realized I had to tell him something. Anything. Sirius had been his godfather, after all.

Once Harry and Ron were done with the traditional welcoming, our group moved toward the Dursley family and I took this opportunity to grab Harry’s arm. He immediately stopped, letting everyone take a short advance before turning toward me.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered before scolding myself.

He had probably heard that a thousand timed and that was certainly not what he needed to hear now. However, much to my surprise, he nodded and put an hand on my shoulder.

“I’m sorry too… It’s my fault.” My heart ached when I heard the desperation in his voice.

“No.” He looked at me, obviously surprised to hear my harsh tone. “It’s not your fault Harry, it has never been.”

He choose to ignore what I had just said.

“You’re the only one who understands me.” He murmured. “They are all saying they are sorry, that he was someone good, but no one didn’t really know him, you know? We’re the only ones and I… I appreciate what you did, Y/N.”

He left without explaining what he meant and joined the Dursleys. After one last hug, Fred and George left too, saying they were busy and their family and Mad-Eye followed them. Tonks decided to stay with us a bit longer, and Remus invited her for the tea. I caught them exchanging a knowing glance, but I knew I would find out about what it was. Indeed, half an hour later all three of us were sitting in the living-room, drinking our tea in a comfortable silence. Remus suddenly stood up and patted my shoulder, announcing he had something to do, and left me alone with Tonks. She immediately moved next to me.

“I won’t say I’m sorry because I feel like that’s not what you want to hear.” She said. I nodded gratefully. “But I wanted to give you that.”

She handed me a photography she had taken a few months ago, when she had insisted she wanted to have photos of all the Order members. On this one, I was sitting between Remus and Sirius, the latter holding high a glass of wine and ruffling my hair. Remus looked like he was trying to disappear, but his smile was genuine as he was glancing on us. My arms were wrapped around their shoulders, and my grin was so large that anyone could feel their cheeks hurt just by looking at it.

Seeing it reminded me of how happy I had been with them, and it made the unfairness of Sirius’ death more painful, if it was possible. But a little voice in my head whispered something I had heard a few years ago, back in the muggle orphanage. Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened. And that’s what I did: I forced my lips in a smile, first weak then genuine, and I felt a weight getting off my shoulders.

“Thank you Tonks. Thank you.”

From this day, tears stopped being a daily thing. Slowly but surely, I learned how to keep my pain under control and, most importantly, I learned to open myself. Remus had always known when I was feeling down but, during the following months, it happened more and more often when he would ask me if I was okay and I would answer no instead of lying. The only thing I hadn’t really told him was this part of shadow hidden in me, the one still causing nightmares every night and remembering me Sirius was gone. I had made progresses on ignoring it, but sometimes, it was too strong for me and I broke down. That’s what happened on Christmas, six months after Sirius’ death.

All this time, I had stayed with Remus, visiting occasionally Molly at the Burrow. I had only seen the twins once, their shop occupying them to the point that they didn’t have a free day. That’s why Molly had thought she could reunite us at Christmas, and she had invited Remus and I.

It wasn’t the first time I stayed there for Christmas, and I had always loved the festive atmosphere that reigned in the house. This year wasn’t an exception, and laughters and good food filled our night. I was now sitting between Fred and George, telling Ginny funny stories about Hogwarts. I had taken off my jacket an hour ago and it was on the table in front of me, the corner of the photo Tonks had given me sticking out of the pocket. I always had it with me, it was the most precious thing I had.

We were all so caught in the peaceful ambience that none of us heard the first alarming noise. Molly was the only one to hear the second as she suddenly froze in the middle of the living-room, her eyes fixed on the outside. Our conversations stopped and we all looked at Molly.

“Mum, what’s happening?” asked Ron while he approached the window.

“Nothing.” She mumbled. “I thought I heard -”

All of sudden, Ron jumped backward to move away from the window, his skin strangely pale. Only a second later, we understood why.

I had never heard a laughter as psychotic as this one. It was high pitched, and the insanity it revealed was simply terrifying. We were all shocked, as hypnotised by the woman outside. We only reacted when two more people apparated in the garden. Without saying anything, I saw Arthur and Remus jumping on their feet and rushing outside, followed by everyone else, me included. The freezing air hit me and the tears suddenly brought in my eyes prevented me from seeing the three Death Eaters. I quickly blinked them away only to see Harry rushing behind Bellatrix Lestrange - she had killed Sirius. The shadow in me, the one I was always trying to hide, took over me and I jumped after Harry. However, someone behind me had anticipated my actions as they firmly wrapped their arms around my waist. I screamed, trying to get rid of George and hitting his face in the process, and my anger increased when Remus followed Harry.

“Let me go! GEORGE LET ME GO!”

But he didn’t. Instead, he pulled me against him and murmured in my ear Remus and Harry would be okay.

“No you don’t understand, I need to -”

Suddenly, a wave of almost unbearable heat hit us all. The Burrow was burning. A sob died in Molly’s throat as she witnessed her home disappearing in front of her. My heart stung when I thought of all the memories everyone had here, Molly’s kitchen, Fred and George’s prototypes. I felt like another person was in my body when I thought that my jacket was still in there -

My jacket. With the photo inside. Maybe I was totally crazy, maybe the shadow I feared was real, in fact I didn’t know why I did this, but I suddenly escaped George’s embrace and ran in the burning house. I immediately felt the pain in my lungs as my mouth and my throat were dried with the heat. The smoke made my eyes sting with hot tears. A part of the kitchen ceiling was slowly consuming itself. I desperately reached for my jacket and as soon as it was clenched in my hands, I threw myself on the floor, hoping I could breath. The air was more breathable down there, and my sight stopped being blurred because of the tears.

I could vaguely hear people calling for me, but the cracklings of the fire were way too loud for me to hear correctly or simply answer, as I didn’t trust my voice on this very moment. Instead, I closed my eyes, I curled up in a tight ball, and listened the sounds around me, remembering the nights spent with Sirius near the chimney. I fell asleep.

After this day, Remus became more reluctant than ever when it came to letting me alone, even for five minutes. At first, he had been quite angry, every occasion being perfect for remembering me how reckless I had been and how he had thought he could trust me. I was too proud to tell him why I had done this, and to tell George and Fred too, but one day, Remus had thrown in my face Sirius would have been disappointed and I had lost it.

I had literally exploded, my loud voice echoing in all the house as I tried to tell him how important this simple photo was. At some point, my angry monologue had given way to a sob festival, the only coherent sentence I had been able to form being “I know you’re disappointed too but I love you both too much… I couldn’t let it disappear.” or something like that. From this day, Remus had stopped being angry and became more protective than he had ever been.

The twins had needed less time to forgive me, even though they just couldn’t understand why a photo seemed more important than my own life. They had been so afraid that the first thing George had told me when I had woken up at St-Mungo’s was that the next time I tried to disappear, he would tie me to a chair and keep me there for the rest of my life. Fred had added that I would never be alone anymore, them keeping an eye on me even when I would shower. Unfortunately for me, a nurse had arrived at this moment and I couldn’t hide my burning cheeks, no pun intended.

I had to admit this constant protectiveness was annoying, but it reached its peak a few months later when Remus received a letter from Dumbledore, asking him to come to Hogwarts as soon as possible, for he had to leave and wanted the school to be protected. Remus hurriedly grabbed his wand and turned toward me. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw me right behind him, my wand firmly held in my hand.

“What are you doing?” he asked me suspiciously.

“Coming with you. What do you think I’m doing?” I replied. I wouldn’t miss this perfect occasion to go back to Hogwarts.

“You’re staying here. It’s too dangerous.” Remus had used his autoritary father’s voice.

“No way. Where are the I’m not letting you alone and You stay right next to me? I come with you.”

Remus was obviously torn between the urgency of the situation and the fact he wanted to convince me to stay here. But he knew how stubborn I could be and he sighed.

“You better stay safe, Y/N.”

The true happiness I had felt when I had seen the castle had disappeared for a long time as I was running near the Astronomy tower on Bill’s tail. Dumbledore wasn’t here, gone Merlin knew where, leaving three members of the Order, a few professors and a bunch of kids, me included, to protect the school against the Death Eaters. In the fire of the battle, I had been separated from Remus but Bill had made sure I was always next to him.

We had just passed the tower and were ready to turn on the next corridor when we both stopped. A Death Eater was waiting right in front of us, an evil grin revealing sharp fangs. Fenrir Greyback, the werewolf.

“Be careful Y/N, he’s dangerous!” shouted Bill.

An instant later, Greyback was literally jumping on us. Bill quickly dodged him while I threw myself on the floor. I immediately stood up only to see him savagely hitting Bill. The impact made the latter dropping his wand, and as I felt the danger arriving and lifted my wand, Greyback attacked. I was too late. Bill’s face was covered in a sea of blood and he fell unconscious. I screamed his name, barely aware that it wouldn’t help. Ensued a few attacks I barely countered, only managing to cast protective spells around Bill and I. He still didn’t move, and I was sure he was dead. This thought was what distracted me for a second, just a second, but it was a second too much. George’s face when he would see his brother dead because of me was the last thing I imagined before feeling my skin being torn apart.

I woke up in a room I had never seen before. This impression of being lost was familiar, and I turned my head, expecting to see Remus asleep on a chair next to the bed, probably waiting for me to wake up before scolding me, but he was nowhere to be seen. I put my head back on the pillow before it hit me. He’s dead. They are dead. Even with my eyelids closed, I still could see Bill lying lifeless on the floor, a pool of blood slowly growing around him. And Remus… If he wasn’t there, it had to mean that…

Suddenly, I heard a laughter coming from where I thought was downstairs. The confusion soon became relief as I thought If people are laughing, then everyone is okay. Remus is still alive, along with Bill, and I can see everyone. It’s okay. A true happiness invaded me as I quickly stood up. I wiggled my toes against the soft carpet when the feeling that something was not right hit me. I wasn’t in any kind of pain, yet I perfectly remembered feeling Greyback’s claws in my flesh, I remembered the sensation that my body was being torn apart. I hesitantly lifted my shirt - had I really put on this one the previous morning? - and saw my skin as good as new. No injury, nothing. The feeling of discomfort became more persistent and I heard new laughters. I decided to head downstairs.

The room I was in was at the end of a corridor. The walls were naked, painted in a soft beige tone. The same white carpet gave it a cosy aspect. I made my way toward the wooden stairs, passing in front of a plant and a teddy bear thrown on the floor. Once downstairs, I caught a glimpse of the sun high in the blue sky behind a big window. Other toys were strewing the floor. I followed the sound of a man’s voice I didn’t recognized and entered in a little living-room.

It’s impossible.

I was seeing him from the side and he was younger, but it was him. I had seen enough photos to recognize his curly hair and mischievous smile. Sirius was in front of me.

He turned his head, maybe because he had felt my presence, and his smile froze. His face dropped and he slowly got up, still looking at me.

“Y/N…”

His voice was still the same, hoarse and reassuring. Hearing it convinced me it was real enough for me and I ran straight in his arms. I hid my face in his neck and tightened him as much as I could, afraid to let him go and lose him once more.

“Sirius… Sirius you’re here…”

I was unable to say something else but it didn’t really matter. Maybe it was a dream, I mean it was obviously a dream, it was impossible, but it felt so good to see him. After a while, Sirius gently pushed me and looked at me.

“Y/N, what are you doing here?”

I had never seen such a sadness in his eyes, except maybe that night when he had read Lily’s letter.

“Glad to see you too.” I mumbled.

His hand reached my hair and he ruffled it, remembering me of Remus’ habit. He smiled, but it was a bitter smile, and I had the impression he wanted me to understand something because he couldn’t tell me.

“Of course I’m glad to see you Y/N. I’ve missed you so much… So much.” He repeated while grabbing my hands. “But you shouldn’t be here. You can’t be here. It would mean that you’re -”

“Dead.” I interrupted him with a blank voice.

I was dead. Greyback had killed me. Now, Remus was alone. Well, he had Tonks, she really liked him and he really liked her, but still. Then I thought about George, about Fred, about Molly and I felt like crying. However, nothing came. No tears, nothing.

“Crying here is impossible.” murmured Sirius. “We’ve suffered enough in our lives, don’t you think?”

“But it hurts…” I whispered.

“I know.”

And he engulfed me in another hug. I breathed his scent, trying my best not to succumb to the panic I felt invading me. Sirius’ hand was gently stroking my back and we stayed like this for a while before the presence of two other persons hit me. I lifted my head just enough for me to see above Sirius’ shoulder.

“You… You look like Harry.”

The man smiled. He was young, maybe four or five years older than me, but I understood why everyone said to Harry he looked like his father. James Potter seemed to be the man I had always imagined, the cool guy of the school, the Quidditch star, always up for some pranks in the school.

“I know,” he replied. “Harry’s lucky, he took the good genes if you want my opinion.”

Lily Potter hit playfully his shoulder as Sirius chuckled. She was a beautiful woman, her fiery hair bringing out her eyes. She was as pretty as everyone said.

“Sirius has talked about you a lot.” she said. “Said you’ve helped him whereas everyone thought he was a criminal. You’re brave, Y/N.”

I didn’t know what to say and choose to smile. The situation was just so surreal… I was talking with Lily and James Potter, next to Sirius who was dead a year ago, and I was dead too.

“I think you’d like to sit.” offered kindly James.

I nodded and sat next to Sirius on the comfortable couch, removing a fluffy pillow to make myself some room.

“Where are we?”

My eyes were wandering around the living-room. It was almost as comfy as the Burrow’s. Thinking about this house I would never see again was particularly painful and I pushed the thought aside when Lily spoke up.

“You’re in our house. I guess you’re here because of Sirius.” Seeing my interrogative look, she continued. “When we died, James and I woke up here, probably because it was the happiest days of our lives…” Her voice was nostalgic, but she smiled.

“I came here because the best period of my life was when James and Lily were still here.” said Sirius. “And you came here because I did.”

A silence took place as the three old friends were looking at me. Maybe they were expecting anger, or panic, or amazement, but all I could think about was how unfair all of this was. I didn’t want to die, Sirius, James and Lily shouldn’t have died, I shouldn’t be with them whereas Harry was so desperate to have his family around him.

“Your son is a hero.”

I saw James flexing his muscles and Lily flipping her hair above her shoulder, both exaggerating in their reactions, but I could tell they were really proud.

“Yeah, and involved in Dumbledore’s personal stuff, this kid is really awesome.” said James.

“How do you know this?” I asked curiously.

All of sudden, the atmosphere was no longer relaxed but tense as ever. James’ face dropped, Lily glared at him and Sirius was fixing his knees.

“No way…” he mumbled. “You can’t… No. No way.”

“No way what?” I eyed him suspiciously. “What are you hiding from me?”

“You’re still stubborn as hell, aren’t you?” Sirius was annoyed but, from the look in his eyes, I knew I had won. “Listen, I’ll tell you but there’s no way you’ll do it. Got it?” I nodded. Sirius sent a harsh look to James before sighing. “You can go back and see your loved ones but -”

“I want to go.” I had jumped on my feet and grabbed Sirius’ hand to force him standing up. “Bring me to Hogwarts. I want to see Remus and George and -”

“I said no. You won’t go see them, not right now anyway.” Sirius’ voice was firm but he looked sad.

“Why?” My voice was high-pitched as I was getting angry. “I want to see Remus! I need to tell him -”

“That’s the point! You can’t talk to them. In fact, they won’t even see you and trust me, it’s more painful than not seeing them at all.”

“You came…” I murmured. “You came to see Remus and I…”

“As soon as I woke up here. I was here when Remus told you. Molly’s kitchen hadn’t done anything to you, you know.” He added with a sad chuckle.

I stayed silent. I wanted to see Remus, to see the twins, to see Molly and Arthur but… Would I be able to just see them? To witness their pain as they wouldn’t know I’m next to them? How would it feel if I saw Remus losing it, like when he had told me Sirius was gone?

“I want to go.” I said.

Sirius sighed and extended an hand.

“Then follow me.”

Just a split second later I found myself in front of the infirmary door. It was open and, from what I could see, only one bed was occupied. I rushed toward it only to see the damages on Bill’s face. He was totally unrecognizable, as if he was wearing grotesque Halloween mask like the muggles like. The blood had been cleaned, and each wound was perfectly visible. Madam Pomfrey was busy next to the bed, manipulating deftly three vials. She was mumbling to herself while pouring the potions in a big recipe, sometimes waving her wand and pronouncing a complex formula.

“He’s okay.” said Sirius.

I jumped, having completely forgotten his presence. I was more than relieved to know that Bill was alive, that he would be okay, even if a small voice in my head whispered it wouldn’t be completely true. He had been hurt by a werewolf, and he was the one who survived the battle. He would probably feel awfully guilty, and maybe even feel like a monster if he became a werewolf.

Hurried steps echoed in the infirmary and I turned my eyes from Bill the very same moment Remus entered the room. Madam Pomfrey’s reaction was immediate. She almost dropped her vials, mumbling she never thought she would have to do this one day, and made her way to Remus. The latter was looking frantically in the room, and I knew he was looking for me.

“Remus, I’m sorry.” said the nurse.

If Sirius hadn’t grabbed my shoulder, I would have run to Remus. His face had dropped and his eyes were fixing blankly the hidden bed Madam Pomfrey had spotted. I looked powerlessly as Remus took hesitant steps, fearing whatever he would see. None of us was aware that the infirmary was slowly filling with friends of mine and members of the Order. As soon as Remus passed in front of us, Sirius followed him behind the curtain hiding the bed where my body was lying. However, I felt strangely disconnected, like unable to process the situation. I wanted nothing more than to hug Remus, tell him I would be okay because I wasn’t alone, I wanted to describe him James and Lily’s house and I wanted him to know we would wait for him all together…

My name had never sounded like a cry of agony before, and it was the most heartbreaking thing I had ever heard. Slowly, the shocked gasps escaping Remus’ mouth became screams more and more loud and painful. I took the last steps separating me from him.

The first thing I saw was Remus’ back. He was leaned over my body - it was so strange to think this - gently stroking my cheek. Only my face was visible, the rest of my body being hidden by a thick blanket. My skin was white.

“I’m sorry… Y/N I’m so sorry…” Remus voice came shaky. His hand was cupping my cheek and he lightly kissed my forehead. “It’s all my fault… I’ve lost you because I was an idiot… First Sirius then you… I love you Y/N… I love you like you were my own daughter… I’m sorry…”

He started crying and grabbed my shoulders to pull me against him. The blanket slipped in the process, showing my wounds. If Remus hadn’t seen it, Sirius had certainly and he was looking at my stomach. The bleeding had stopped for a while, but my shirt was still soaked in blood. The wound was extended from just above my brim to my ribs. The five traces of the claws were so deep that on a dozen of centimeters, the flesh was visible. No wonder why I died on the spot, I thought bitterly.

I would have done anything in my power to be able to remove the blanket so that Remus wouldn’t see the wound, but I was obviously not powerful enough. When he put my body back in its initial position with an infinite delicacy, the blanket was still on my legs, and he saw everything.

The most heart-wrenching cry I had ever heard echoed in the silent infirmary, and knowing I was the cause of his pain, he who was one of the two men I would always love like my fathers, millions of tears would have rolled on my cheeks if I could have cried.

After what felt like hours, Sirius and I were still next to my body. None of us could stop looking at it, at this awful wound and at my blood. Someone had dragged Remus away, probably back at Bill’s bed to know if he would become a werewolf, but from what I could hear his voice was distant. I knew him, and I knew how he would deal with this: by making as if nothing had ever happened, as if he wasn’t suffering, and by throwing himself in the battle to come. Suddenly, I heard the noise of several persons arriving in the infirmary and my heart almost hurt when I recognized Molly’s terrified scream. I would have definitely broken down when I heard George asking where I was. An heavy silence took place during which someone probably showed the bed still hidden by the curtain and a few seconds later, George discovered my body, soon followed by Fred. I had always thought they were tough guys, and I would have thought losing me after all that had happened wouldn’t be as hard as the first time, but when I saw George falling on his knees, I understood I was wrong. Fred froze behind him, and their eyes were both fixed on my face. I was going to make my way toward them when I felt Sirius grabbing my wrist.

“I think it’s time to go.” he murmured.

I nodded weakly and threw one last glance to George. He had gotten up and was next to me, my hand firmly tightened in his own. For a second, I wished I could feel his warm touch, I wished I could hug him and Fred, but the hand I felt enveloping mine wasn’t George’s and in a blink of the eyes I was back at the Potter’s.

James and Lily weren’t in the living-room anymore. The laughters I had heard here were long gone, the atmosphere being now tense as I fixed a glass on the table.

“I shouldn’t have let you see this.” said Sirius. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to. I needed to see them… Even if it was more painful than I thought.”

Sirius nodded, probably having felt the same thing when he had died.

“You’re back?”

James had passed his head through the opening of a door and his face immediately softened.

“I’ll ask Lily to make some tea.”

The couple came back five minutes later, Lily holding a tray with four cups and some biscuits on it. I was shocked to realize I was no longer sad, even though Remus and the twins’ faces were still engraved in my mind. I remembered what Sirius had told me earlier: Crying here is impossible. We’ve suffered enough in our lives, don’t you think? As selfish as it sounded, I agreed with this. I wanted to live a peaceful life (if we could call whatever I was experiencing a life) and to feel only happiness. Lily interrupted my thought when she handed me a cup of tea and the plate with the biscuits. I took one of them, ate it and exclaimed:

“That’s delicious!”

She laughed at my surprised tone.

“Why do you seem so surprised?”

“I didn’t think the afterlife was like living in a pretty house and drinking tea with who we want.” I said.

“You know,” said Sirius, “even if sometimes it can get boring, being here is pretty cool. The only thing you miss is your family but one day, they’ll be with you.”

“Let’s hope it won’t be before many years…” I sighed.

Slowly but surely, I understood what Sirius meant when he said it could get boring. Our days were always the same, drinking tea, watching the TV, sometimes walking outside, but there were no such things as places to work or school. Idleness was probably the goal of whoever had created this place. Some days, I was so bored that I wanted nothing more than to clean the house and storing Harry’s old toys. However, I had never done so as Sirius had told me Harry’s absence was more easy to bear for James and Lily this way.

If it wasn’t for my several visits to the ones I loved, namely mainly Remus, George and Fred, I would totally lose the sense of time, and very probably my mind too. In a way, it was always as painful as it had been the first time. That was how I found out about what George had kept secret from me all these years.

It was a few weeks after Bill’s wedding - which I had been to, of course. At the time, George had seemed a bit off to me and I was worried. I wanted to stay more with him, helplessly hoping that he would eventually see me, but Sirius didn’t agree. He was afraid I would become totally crazy. That’s why I had came to the apartment he shared with his brother as soon as Sirius had allowed me and after paying a visit to Remus. I arrived while Fred was comforting George, obviously really upset.

“Listen mate, you need to tell me whatever you won’t let me know.” said Fred. “I’m worried for you Georgie, and Mum is too. Pretty much everyone is, in fact. Come on, what’s wrong?”

“You know perfectly what’s wrong.” mumbled George.

Fred stayed silent and looked at his brother. He had probably never seen him as sad and it was really worrying. I took a few steps, wanting to be sure I could hear what would come.

“You loved her.” whispered Fred.

George lifted his head, his watery eyes fixed on the ceiling. A single tear rolled down his cheek and he didn’t bother to wipe it away. He didn’t bother to answer either, Fred already knew he was right. And I was there, looking at George who had just admitted he loved me, unable to think correctly.

How many hours had I spent alone with him while Fred was gone for pranking someone with Lee? How many times one of us had fallen asleep with their head resting on the other’s lap? How many nights had I dreamt of what I had just heard? But it was too late. We weren’t brave enough to face our feelings, and now I was dead. George couldn’t see me and I couldn’t talk to him. We would be apart for dozens of years and there was nothing we could do about it. It was too late.

After that, several months defiled without me going back in the world of the livings. I didn’t really know if it was because of what I had heard about George or because of this weight in my stomach every time I had to look away from him, Fred, Remus or Molly. Maybe I wasn’t strong enough to face this. But I knew for a fact that Sirius went regularly down there to see Harry and Remus, and I still remembered the day he came back with the largest smile I had ever seen on his face.

“The last time you made this face was when we told you Lily was pregnant.” had said James with a small grin. I had admired his bond with Sirius since day one, and at the moment I could tell he was happy to see his friend like this.

“That’s the point, my dear Prongs.”

Lily had furrowed her eyebrows.

“Well, spill the beans Sirius.”

“Moony is gonna have a baby!” he had exclaimed.

Sirius hadn’t even let us time to react before he had begun explaining everything he had heard. I was genuinely happy for Remus, knowing that he would never be alone. However, I didn’t feel like going back to the living world. In fact, the only thing that changed my mind was when Sirius arrived one day way sooner than usual announcing us the new.

“The baby is arriving!”

In no time, Sirius, James, Lily and I were outside the room where Tonks was giving birth. It appeared that we had arrived when Teddy Lupin was almost here because roughly five minutes later, a baby cry echoed in the house. We followed the sound and found ourselves in front of the most emotional sight we could witness. Tonks was lying in her bed, obviously exhausted but amazed. Teddy was in Remus’ arms, and the father was looking at his son with an almost childish fascination.

“He’s so tiny…” he whispered.

Teddy was wrapped in a blanket as blue as his hair, and only his chubby little face was visible. Remus was holding him carefully yet tenderly against him. His eyes were filled with joyful tears and he was arbouring the most genuine smile I had ever seen on him.

“I’m so proud of him.”

I turned to see James grinning and looking at his friend. His arm was wrapped around Lily’s waist and his other hand was on Sirius’ shoulder.

“He’s gonna be okay.” added the latter. “Maybe we should let them some privacy.”

James and Lily nodded and disappeared a split second later.

“Go, I follow you.” I said.

As Sirius disappeared too, I made my way to Remus and put my hand on his shoulder. I saw him slightly tensing and I could have sworn he had felt my touch.

“You’ll be an incredible father to him, Remus.” I murmured. “You’ve always been.”

All these months, we had been aware of the war preparing against Voldemort and not being able to help was really frustrating. We had decided, all four of us, that we wouldn’t try to have informations about it as we couldn’t do anything to help our friends. We didn’t know that the fight was more imminent than ever. We didn’t know that soon we wouldn’t be four anymore.

It was the very beginning of May. As every friday, we had organized a movie night and James had been a true child, insisting he absolutely wanted to watch a movie with cars in it. After a quite ridiculous argument about it, I finally gave up my idea of horror movie. Lily came back a few minutes later with popcorn and we installed on the couch. We were a bit tight but I found a very comfortable position snuggled against Sirius with my head resting on his shoulder.

The TV was playing an awfully sexist scene where a half-naked girl was washing the car of the main character - what kind of movie is it? I wondered while eyeing James - when a noise echoed from upstairs. Immediately, James and Sirius jumped on their feets and Lily grabbed my hand. I knew we all had thought the same thing - the war made another victim. According to what I could hear, two persons were upstairs. However, I didn’t perceived any hesitations in their steps and I was slowly coming to the conclusion that at least one of them knew the house when they appeared in the door frame.

“Remus!”

My mouth had been more rapid than my brain and in no time I had jumped in his arms. I felt him hugging me tightly, and his chest began to rise with a more steady pace.

“Y/N… Y/N I thought I’d never see you again…”

Then he slowly pulled me to look at me and I met his eyes.

“I missed you so much Remus…”

I saw the exact moment Remus realized we weren’t alone and who was here. His eyes widened and his mouth fell open. He had compulsively tightened his grip around my arms and he was now looking frantically alternately Lily, James and Sirius. He seemed to be unable to say something or even to move, and I gently pushed him toward his friends. It seemed to be all he needed and he rushed toward them, engulfing all three of them in a desperately needed hug.

“I’m sorry for Teddy…”

I had turned toward Tonks who was looking at her husband with a bright smile.

“I am too,” she answered. “But I know he’s in good hands and, as much as I would have wanted to live with him, I’m glad we’ve helped offering him a better world to live in.” I nodded, showing her I understood. “Wait a minute!” she exclaimed. “You know about Teddy?”

Remus froze.

“How is it possible? How do you know about him?”

In a few words, Sirius explained how we could travel from this world to the livings’ one. He warned them too, telling them it was really hard to see your loved ones without them knowing it. However, just looking at Sirius indicated me he knew Remus wouldn’t care and would go back to his son as soon as possible. And he was right: five minutes later, Remus and Tonks had disappeared.

After their departure, a short silence took place before being broken by James saying he wondered how Tonks had reacted when she had learnt about Remus’ furry little problem. Sirius answered her hair had standed on end and the two friends began an hilarious competition based on the jokes about hairs. I was laughing so hard that I didn’t hear the noises from upstairs, and only Lily’s interrogative face warned me.

“Who are you?” she asked gently.

I turned around and my wide opened mouth matched Fred’s one. I instinctively began to look for George because Fred without George was just impossible but… He was alone. I was so shocked that I just couldn’t react and this time, it was Fred who didn’t give a second thought and wrapped me in a strong embrace. He didn’t say anything and I didn’t either. I felt his reluctance to let go of me and I pulled him just enough to see his face.

“He’ll be alone…” he murmured.

I didn’t say anything. No word could have eased his pain, nothing I could say would make it all better or fairer. Instead, I decided to offer him the best goodbye I could give him, and grabbed his hand. A split second later, he was kneeled next to George, who was crying on his twin’s body, Fred’s hand suspended in the air, as if he was afraid to disturb his family. When he decided he couldn’t bear it anymore, he finally found the courage to put his hand on George’s shoulder.

“Don’t cry,” he murmured, “and carry on. You have to carry on for me, Georgie.”

He got up, murmured I love you Mum in Molly’s ear, passed his hand in Ginny’s hair like he used to when they were younger and joined me.

“Ready to support me? Can’t wait to discover the kind of pranks the afterlife offers!”

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

“Move James, we’ll be late!”

“Wait a minute, I’m hungry!”

“Fuck Prongs, we’ll miss him! I don’t care, we’ll go without -”

“Calm down Moony, I’m here!”

The animation in the house was at its peak. It had been the only subject of conversation Remus had had the last few months, and he couldn’t help but show how proud he was. Tonks was running everywhere, trying to gather everyone for she wanted us all to be there. Lily was nowhere to be found, and Fred, Sirius and I were patiently waiting in the living-room.

“Remus is going to explode!” I exclaimed when he crossed the room fuming against his bloody idiotic and blind friend and threatening to shove his antlers where the sun didn’t shine if he didn’t speed up.

“I’d like to see him try!” laughed Sirius.

“Sirius, it’s Teddy! This is so important!”

“Yeah I know but… He should know nothing happens like it should when Prongs is involved.”

Eventually, after a few threats who even scared me but only made James laugh, all our little blended family appeared on Platform 9 ¾.

“Where is he?”

Tonks was tip toeing in an attempt to spot her son in the crowd. She was holding tight Remus’ hand and she seemed so excited it even was a bit painful to see. Suddenly her face lit up and she literally dragged Remus through the various groups of parents and students. Just behind them, James had his hand resting on Lily’s back as they walked quite happily too and I was following Sirius and Fred who were busy walking through every single person they could.

We finally joined them and I glanced at Remus who was looking at his son with the same childish fascination he had always had.

“He’s a big boy now…” Remus’ voice was melancholic as Teddy was waving goodbye at Harry and Ginny.

The boy eventually went in the Hogwarts Express, finding quickly an empty compartment. A hissing warned us the train would go and he waved more excitedly to Harry and Ginny, completely unaware of the fact that his parents were here too, waving and thanking the skies they could stay by his side, always.

Living wasn’t easy. I lost my friends, I lost Sirius, I lost my life. I suffered, I cried, I hated and I loved more than I could have imagined.

But when, many years later, another ginger boy woke up at the Potter’s, when he found his twin running after me, when he hugged us, when he kissed me, I knew.

I knew that, despite the darkness, I had found happiness.

Tags: @summer-writes @coffee-wihtout-caffeine

#Harry Potter #harry potter imagines #harry potter imagine #angst #my writing #george weasley #george x reader #george weasley x reader #george weasley x y/n #george weasley x you #fred weasley #Remus Lupin #sirius black

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spontaneousinsanity · 4 years ago

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Ducktales

Hi friends!

Unfortunately, Ducktales is ending. The current season, season three, will be its last. Although I had hoped it would go for at least one more season, and I’m very sad to hear that it’s ending, I would like to take a moment first to celebrate all the amazing times I had while watching Ducktales.

My brother was actually the one who introduced me to this amazing show. He saw the episode “The Impossible Summit of Mt. Neverrest!” and he introduced it to me soon after. It quickly became a favorite of mine. I loved the characters. I loved to sit down on the couch and watch episodes with my brother. I have come a long way from when I started watching this show, and I believe that Ducktales was a big part of that. I always loved the beautiful animation, the amazing voices, the fantastic story, and the overall awesomeness of it all. I will always remember the times that I spent laughing, crying, smiling, thinking, scheming, and enjoying this masterpiece of a show. It has truly been an inspiration to me and many others around the world.

Recently my friend joined me in watching this amazing show. She and I watched the show together on Facetime. We would talk about the episodes and tell each other theories while we watched. After each episode, we could have a moment of fangirl pterodactyl screaming before talking about what we thought. Ducktales is the first show that I watched while it was still airing (most shows that I watch are done by the time I get around to watching them.)

I will miss spending time with my friends and family while watching this show. I will miss hearing about their adventures. I will miss the hilarious and amazing work of art that this show is. This is the kind of show that you rewatch. The kind of show that you suggest to other people. The kind of show that pulls you in right from the start. The kind of show like Ducktales.

I would like to thank so many people. I would like to thank Frank Angones for creating this show. I would like to thank the wonderful people who provided the voices for this show. I would like to thank the animators. I want to thank Matt Youngberg, the co-creator and executive producer. I want to thank Disney. I know there are a lot of people I’m missing. This show was made possible by the dedicated cast and crew. So, I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who helped create this amazing show. You are changing lives here. You certainly changed mine. <3

This is the kind of show that teaches you lessons. I will always remember to be who I am. Love my friends and family. Love what I have. Cherish every wonderful moment.

And, always, solving mysteries and rewriting history.

I also think it’s important to remember that we didn’t just watch their adventures. We went on adventures with them. Every moment that we watched that show, we were going on the same adventures. We will always have Ducktales in our hearts, even after it ends. We will always remember to be smart like Huey, brave like Dewey, clever like Louie, and strong like Webby.

So, finally, in the words of Dr. Seuss, “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” With this amazing, beautiful, daring, strong, dedicated, awesome, fantastic show in mind, I would like to say: Thank you, Ducktales, for happening.

Now, a word from my friend:

Hola peoples! I’m that friend that she mentioned before - that doesn’t have tumblr. And yes, to start the moment of fangirl pterodactyl screaming does indeed exist and it is the best part of the whole episode watching. Okay but to be serious, Ducktales always makes my Monday’s! It’s like the one reason why I look forward for the weekend to end. I always love watching episodes with my friend (so many friends, but if that wasn’t clear the one who wrote the five paragraph e s s a y) and I have no words for how much I’m going to miss this show. I was hesitant about watching it at first, but I’m really glad I did because I really enjoy watching it. I’ll miss the Monday evenings that I spent watching this show, I’ll miss screaming every time Lena appears on screen, I’ll miss screaming the theme song everytime it comes on, and I’ll miss every moment from watching the show. I’ll miss Louie, Webby, Huey, Dewey, Lena, Violet, Della, Scrooge, everyone. So uhm, yeah thats all! Thank you for curing my Monday depression and giving me something amazing to watch while I wait for my other show to return. Thank you Ducktales so much, I’ll miss you!

#ducktales 2017 #ducktales #lena de spell #lena sabrewing #Webby Vanderquack #webby #huey dewey and louie #huey duck #louie duck #dewey duck

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ozkamal · 4 years ago

Quote

Wisdom notes1. It’s not who you are underneath it’s what you do that defines you 2. Stop living other people’s stories and start writing your own 3. We are all gonna die, not all of us get to make a difference 4. Just cause you know you are capable of something doesn’t mean it has to happen again 5. Every weakness contains within itself a strength 6. Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up. 7. In order to be what we are, we have to come out of what we are not 8. It’s not the size of a soldier in a fight, it’s the size of the fight in a soldier 9. some of the best things in life are by accident 10. you can lose to your enemy, but you must not lose to fear 11. if your looking for revenge, you should start by digging two graves 12. sometimes the scars you can’t see are the ones that hurt the most 13. sometimes the rain must fall for us to appreciate the sun 14. train yourself to let go, of everything you fear to lose 15. a man does not cry because he is weak, he cries because he has been strong for too long 16. not everyone can be trusted, even your shadow leaves when your in the dark 17. don’t trust anyone too much, remember the devil was once an angel 18. you didn’t fail, you just found out, eg:100 ways how not to make a light bulb 19. I failed over and over, that’s why i’m successful. 20. it isn’t what you got in life it’s what you make of it 21. people do not despise the thief who steals to satisfy himself when he is starving 22. a mans loyalty is tested when he has everything. a woman’s is tested when he has nothing 23. you have to be odd to be number one 24. trust takes years to build and yet only seconds to break 25. never regret a single thing that made you happy 26. make the plan, execute the plan, expect the plan to go off the rails, throw away the plan. 27. don’t be afraid of losing people, be afraid of losing yourself trying to please everyone around you 28. when we stop checking the monsters under the bed that’s when we realise they were inside us 29. sometimes she’ll keep you down but also somehow be the one to keep you up 30. From strangers. to friends. to being together but then back strangers but with memories 31. it hurts a lot when she breaks up with you. and gets together with someone else really quick... it just don’t feel like she cared, but sometimes you gotta let fate take you by the hand 32. you lost interest so fast.. my world ended before it even started 33. you can love somebody just by being attached. see loyalty is a action u can love or hate me but u still have my back 34. as dr seuss said, “i always knew looking back on the tears would make me laugh. but i never knew looking back on the laughs would make me cry 35. sometimes it’s hard to know what haunts you more, the memories of her, or the memories of how happy you used to be 36. it’s not that your life sucks, it’s just you done want to think that it doesn’t 37. love never ends, it’s the strength to try that does 38. silence can be just another word for pain 39. not everything lasts forever, people change, people grow apart. don’t force anything 40. absence makes the heart grow stronger 41. it ain’t about how hard you can hit.. it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward, that’s how winning is done 42. tomorrow is never promised 43. the most painful thing isn’t a cut or a broken bone, it’s seeing memories slowly become memories 44. better to have a short life doing what you love, than a long life living miserably 45. when a man loves a woman she becomes his strength 46. pay close attention to the people who don’t clap when you win 47. if your the smartest person in the room then your in the wrong room 48. a great future never requires a great past 49. everyone is the hero of their own story 50. the only time you should look back is to see how far you’ve come 51. there’s four things you can never get back, the word after it’s said, the moment after its missed, time after it’s gone and trust after it’s lost 52. they say you never knew what you had until it’s gone.... truth is, you just never thought you’d lose it 53. think of it like this, it hurts to let go... but sometimes it hurts more to hold on 54. out of all the things we learn in school, no one teaches us how to love ourselves 55. there comes a time in life, where you realise that nothing will ever be the same. And you realise that from now on, time will be divided in two parts, before this.. and after this 56. it takes absence to value presence 57. it’s not about the happy ending, maybe it’s about the story 58. it’s crazy how after so much, you become strangers again 59. words may sting, but silence is what breaks the heart 60. sometimes it’s not the person you miss, it’s the feeling you had when you were with them.. 61. in life there’s the people that tear you down, and the ones that build you up. but in the end, you’ll thank them both 62. you know a million words won’t bring them back, and you’ll know because you tried, neither would a million tears, and you’ll know... because you cried 63. the worst feeling is never being lonely, it’s being forgotten by someone, you’d never forget 64. you’ll realise how you waste so much time on certain people, but in the end sometimes they weren’t worth a second of it 65. there is always going to be some truth behind every “just kidding”. some knowledge behind every “i don’t know” emotion behind every “i don’t care” and pain behind every “it’s okay” 66. being happy is a very personal thing and it really has nothing to do with anybody else 67. don’t let something that’s long gone, control you. it’s time to let go 68. it’s amazing how one day someone walks into the life, and suddenly you don’t know how you every lived without them 69. someone once asked me if i knew you a million and one memories flashed through my mind.. but i just said i used to 70. at the end of the day, your not always gonna say and do the right things. and that’s fine, your not here to be perfect, your here to be real 71. going back to a relationship is like rewatching a movie, and hoping for a different ending 72. the worst kind of sad, is not being able to explain why 73. Life is the most difficult exam. Many people fail because they try to copy others. Not realizing that everyone has a different question on their paper 74. the difference between, like, love and in love is the same difference between, for now, for a while.. and forever 75. everyone can make you smile, but not everyone can make you happy 76. the most difficult part of moving on, is accepting the other person already did 77. it’s sad how the people you were once so close with. can become just another person you don’t know, not their just a stranger with your secrets 78. one day someone will break you so bad.. you will become unbreakable 79. you can close your eyes to things you don’t want to see, but you can never close your heart to things you don’t want to feel 80. if you think photos aren’t so important, wait until they’re all you have left 81. giving someone another chance, is like giving them another bullet, because the first one missed 82. the truth is.. we don’t mature with years, we mature with damage 83. consider how hard it is to change yourself, then you’ll realise what little chance you had in changing others. 84. everyone has a story, and everyone has something that changed them. so never judge someone by the chapter you walked in on 85. in life sometimes there is no next time. No timeouts, no second chances. sometimes it is now or never, things change, friends leave. and life doesn’t stop for anybody 86. can you remember who you were, before the world told you who you should be? 87. it’s sad how you can go from speaking to someone non-stop, to never speaking to them again, in an instant, it’s like you could have just stayed strangers 88. it’s important to realise you can miss something, but not want it back 89. your current situation, is not your final destination 90. it’s never to late to be what you might’ve been 91. you start with such a simple hello, but end with such a complicated good bye 92. in order to move on, you need to understand why you felt what you did, and why you no longer need to feel it 93. telling the truth and making someone cry, is better than telling a lie.. and making someone smile 94. it’s not the goodbyes that hurt, but the flashbacks that follow 95. some would say people who say it is what it is are dangerous, i say those people have just been hurt to the point where they no longer care 96. if you don’t go after what you want. you’ll never have it. if you don’t ask, the answer is always no and if you don’t step forward, your always in the same place 97. live today the way you want because nothing else is more real than the moment you have in your hands 98. people come and go, but life is simply about... seeing who cares enough to stay 99. one of the most messed up things the world will ever do to you, is let you meet the right person. at the wrong time 100. apologise for your mistakes not your feelings

https://www.reddit.com/r/quotes/comments/n0o67m/i_have_made_a_list_of_quotes_from_movies_and_from/?utm_source=ifttt

#IFTTT #reddit

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ironwoman359 · 5 years ago

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A Fiendly Reunion: Ch. 1

Navigation: Ch.1, Ch.2, Ch.3, Ch.4, Ch.5, Ch.6, Ch.7, Ch.8, Ch.9, Ch.10

Summary: Virgil has revealed his greatest secret to Thomas, and Deceit is certain his plan is working. But when Thomas reacts not with malice, but with acceptance, plans will have to change. Thomas wakes up the morning after meeting Remus to find Virgil missing, and it doesn't take long for them to deduce that he didn't leave of his own free will.

In order to get their stormcloud back, Patton, Logan, and Roman must lead Thomas through the darkest parts of his mind…but will Thomas be strong enough to face what it takes to bring Virgil home?

Chapter Warnings: Anxiety, crying, villain!Deceit, lying/manipulation, kidnapping, snake bites.

Relationships: FamILY LAMPT all the way, baby.

Word count: 3,738

Read on AO3: here!

My Fanfic Masterlist My Commission Info My Ko-fi

--- --- ---

“Just be sure to keep up that personal growth, Virgil. Who knows? Maybe soon, you could be rid of us all."

"So you’ve never been reluctant to share anything with the group then?”

“It takes a liar to know a liar."

“Virgil, you’ve never been one to soften the truth. Why would you aspire to be so…boring?”

“Despite his best efforts, Virgil could never stop being the bad guy!”

“Of course I did, Dr. Seuss! I would never hide anything from you!”

"Because I was one of them."

Thomas recoiled at the words, and the last ounce of hope Virgil had been holding onto that maybe, just maybe, things would turn out okay dissipated as Thomas stared at him, hurt etched into his features.

Part of Virgil’s function as Thomas’s anxiety was to consider all the worst possible outcomes to any situation, so he had pictured this exact moment, over and over and over again. He’d pictured Thomas’s anger, his revulsion, his contempt. He’d imagined the names Thomas might call him (liar, traitor, monster), the demands that Virgil get out of his sight and never show his face among those who could be considered “light” ever again. He had steeled himself for that, mentally prepared to accept whatever punishment Thomas saw fit to give him, because he deserved it, didn’t he?

This though…this was worse. Thomas didn’t look angry, didn’t look disgusted. He didn’t speak, just stared at Virgil with a look that could almost be described as wounded. Virgil’s eyes burned, and with what he hoped was an apologetic look, he sunk away before Thomas could say a word. He’d thought he would be strong enough to face him.

But Virgil obviously wasn’t as strong as he needed to be.

— — —

Thomas pulled a blanket over himself and sighed as his body sunk into his mattress. If he’d ever needed a late afternoon nap, it was now, but despite his body being completely exhausted, he found that his mind was currently incapable of letting him sleep. Instead the events of the past hour plagued his mind, spinning around and around in his brain. One startling revelation about himself was always difficult to deal with, but two…that was a lot.

As jarring as meeting the Duke had been, Thomas had been expecting to meet another dark side eventually. Instead he found himself thinking about a side that he already knew very well…or at least, that he thought he knew. Virgil’s words echoed in his mind as he stared up at the ceiling: "Because I was one of them.”

“One of them,” what did that even mean? The more Thomas thought about it, the more it made sense, he supposed…after all, he had once classified Virgil as nothing more than a villain in need of defeating. And the other dark sides he’d met so far he would certainly still qualify as villains. But then again, it wasn’t exactly a secret that he used to consider Anxiety a bad guy, was it? But the look on Virgil’s face when he’d admitted that truth…Thomas could have sworn that Virgil had been close to tears. So what was going on?

Thomas sighed, and swung his legs out of bed, rubbing his eyes. For the second night in a row, his thoughts were incapable of letting him sleep. At least…Remus didn’t seem to have anything to do with it this time. Thomas wandered into the kitchen, thoughts of a before-bed snack vaguely occupying his thoughts, but as he stared into his fridge, he soon became aware that he wasn’t alone in the room anymore. He turned around, shoulders tense, but they relaxed almost instantly at the sight of Patton standing behind him, the light from the refrigerator reflecting off his glasses.

“Hey, Pat,” he said, wincing at the roughness of his voice. “What are you doing here?”

“I could ask you the same question, Kiddo,” Patton chided gently. “Hasn’t Logan told you about-”

“Not eating anything before I go to sleep, I know,” Thomas finished, rubbing his eyes. “I just…can’t sleep right now.”

Patton knit his brows, and the expression reminded Thomas of a parent who had just been told their child was having bad dreams.

“It’s not…” he made a vague gesture with his hands, and gave Thomas a pointed look. “You know?”

Thomas shook his head and sighed.

“No, it’s not Duke stuff this time, I-” he paused, glancing at Patton. Did he know about Virgil’s past? It made sense that he would, the sides all seemed to know more about his mind than he did, but whatever the significance of what Virgil had told him, it’d obviously taken a lot for Virgil to trust him with it. Would telling Patton be betraying that trust?

“Kiddo? What is it?” Patton pressed, and Thomas rubbed his temples with his thumb and forefinger.

“It’s just…Virgil told me something, at the end of the video today, and I’ve been…thinking a lot about it.”

“Aaah.” Patton clicked his tongue sympathetically. “So he finally told you the truth, huh?”

“You knew?” Thomas asked, his eyes widening, and Patton nodded.

“We all do. It just…wasn’t our secret to tell.” Thomas didn’t respond, so Patton pressed further. “So…how’re you taking the news then?”

Thomas ran a hand through his hair, and closed the fridge door.

“There’s…a lot that I still don’t understand,” he admitted. “About…Virgil, and the Others, and what it all means. It’s…a little confusing.”

“Well, we’re always here to help you through it, Kiddo,” Patton said with a smile. “I can answer any of your questions about the Others if you want. All you have to do is ask.”

“Thanks, Pat.” Thomas smiled back at the moral side gratefully. “But I think…I’m going to wait so I can talk to Virgil about it tomorrow. He seemed really upset when he told me…I want to make sure he has a chance to tell me everything that he wants to. And…I want him to know that I’m proud of him. For opening up like that, I mean.”

Patton blinked, then nodded in understanding.

“That’s really mature of you, Thomas. But while I know you want your answers as soon as possible…it may be best to let Virgil have his space for a little while.”

“Oh? How come?” Thomas asked, and Patton grimaced.

“Well, it’s like you said, Kiddo. Virgil was upset when he told you, right? Remember, he is Anxiety. He probably thought that you’d react really badly to the news, maybe think he was some kind of monster for being one of the Others. That’s probably why he left without another word, so he wouldn’t have to face your reaction.”

“Oh, no…” Thomas heart ached as he remembered the crumpled expression on Virgil’s face as he’d sunk out of sight. “I should talk to him, I can’t let him think that-”

“I know, Kiddo, I know,” Patton interrupted, his voice gentle but firm. “But I’ve learned the hard way that it’s best to let Virgil have some alone time when he’s upset. When he’s ready to talk again…he’ll come to you. Okay?”

“Okay,” Thomas sighed in agreement. He looked at his moral side and smiled again. “Thanks for talking to me, Patton.”

“Anytime, Kiddo!” Patton chirped happily. “Now, it’s getting late, and I seem to recall a certain logical side telling you to go to bed?”

“Okay, okay,” Thomas laughed. “See you later, Pat.”

He made his way back to his bedroom and settled under his blankets, sighing in relief as he finally felt some of the tension of the day drain away. There was a lot he still had to figure out, but as he drifted off to sleep, he took comfort in the fact that he didn’t need to figure it out alone.

— — —

Virgil wasn't sure how long he cried for. Upon rising up into his room, he'd immediately collapsed on his bed, his shoulders shaking with sobs. It was all over now, he was sure of it. This was the end of cozy movie nights, easy conversation, and casual gestures of affection. He'd shown his true colors, and there was no way Thomas would want him to stick around anymore. Well, no matter. Virgil didn't need to be part of the famILY to do his job. Patton's dinners, Roman's adventures, Logan's debates...they were all nice, but they weren't why he did what he did. He did what he did to protect them, and to protect Thomas. They didn't have to like him for him to keep them safe.

But the thought of losing them...it still hurt.

He must have cried himself to sleep, because the next thing he knew, he was waking up to a genlte knock at his door. He whimpered and pressed his face deeper into his pillow, but the knock sounded again, and Virgil knew whoever was at the door wouldn't go away until they got an answer.

"What?" he croaked out, not caring if they could hear the break in his voice.

"Virgil? Open the door," the knocker called out, and Virgil's stomach dropped. Thomas had come to the mindscape himself? He hadn't expected that. Still, he could never bring himself to refuse Thomas, so he slowly forced himself off his bed and cracked open the door to his room.

"Hey," he mumbled, keeping his eyes on the floor.

"Hey," Thomas repeated. The two of them stood in silence for a moment, then Thomas sighed and placed a hand on Virgil's door. "Can you let me in, Virge?" he asked.

"I...my room..." Virgil stammered, but Thomas waved his hand dismissively.

"I'll be okay, Virgil."

Virgil shrugged, and stepped back, allowing Thomas to enter the room, keeping watch of the dusting of eye shadow that appeared under his host's eyes. The two of them sat down on Virgil's bed, and Virgil clenched his hands in his lap, waiting for Thomas to speak. He didn't have to wait long.

“Virgil, I..." Thomas ran a hand through his hair, and the shadow beneath his eyes darkened half a shade. "I don't think that I have to tell you that I'm...a bit disappointed in you."

Virgil's heart skipped a beat, and he stared resolutely at his lap. He'd expected this. He'd prepared for this.

"I mean...It's not just that you used to be a Dark Side. It's..that you lied to me about it. You know how I feel about lying, Virge." Thomas continued, and Virgil's eyes burned.

“I know,” he mumbled, and he hated that his voice wavered, that he couldn’t even look Thomas in the eye. Didn’t his host deserve at least that? Virgil had betrayed his trust, and now he had to accept the consequences.

"I have to admit, I thought better of you than that, I really did,” Thomas said, and Virgil felt tears well up in his eyes again, but to his surprise, Thomas kept talking. "Still...I understand why you did it."

Virgil's eyes widened and he snapped his head up to look at Thomas.

"You...you do?" he asked, and Thomas nodded.

"You thought you had to protect me from them," he said, and with every word he spoke, the tightness in Virgil's chest loosened just a little. "And you thought that protecting me from them included...protecting me from you. From what you really are."

Virgil nodded, fresh tears blurring his vision.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. “I’m so sorry, I-”

Thomas reached forward and pulled Virgil into a hug, cutting him off before he could even finish his apology.

“It’s okay, Virgil,” Thomas murmured. He tightened his grip, and Virgil nestled closer to him. “I’ll make everything right again.”

Virgil opened his mouth to say thank you, but what came out instead was a gasp of pain as something sharp dug into his neck. His eyes widened as Thomas’s form rippled and shifted in front of him, revealing a glowing yellow eye and a satisfied smirk. Virgil tried to pull away as the snake that bit him slithered across his arm to rejoin its master, but he could feel his strength sapping away as venom worked its way into his bloodstream.

“N-no...stop...y’can’t…” Virgil slurred, but already his vision was going dark and he could barely hold his head up straight.

“Shhh, shhh.” Gloved fingers carded through Virgil’s hair as the last of his consciousness slipped away. “Didn’t you hear me, Virgil?”

Deceit smiled coldly as Virgil finally went limp in his arms.

“I’m going to make everything right again.”

--- --- ---

Thomas woke up with the sunlight, feeling truly rested for the first time in what had to be days. He sat up and stretched, then let out a contented sigh. Finally, he’d been able to get a night’s rest without being plagued by any thoughts from-

The Duke suddenly stepped out of his closet, a massive grin on his face. Before Thomas could even react, Remus pulled out his stick of deodorant and took a giant bite, all while maintaining direct eye contact with him. Thomas blinked, then rolled his eyes and got out of bed to head to the bathroom.

The Duke followed him around all morning, munching on his deodorant stick, making rude gestures, and laughing. Somehow though, Thomas managed to film his video promo without too much difficulty, and eventually, Remus seemed to bore of lurking around the apartment and sunk back to the mindscape. Finally rid of his presence, Thomas sat down on his couch with his chickpea couscous and switched on the TV.

He didn’t get to watch his show uninterrupted for long though, as after barely five minutes, Patton rose up to sit on the couch next to him.

“Hey, Patton!” Thomas smiled, but his face fell when he took in his moral side’s expression. Patton’s brow was drawn tight with worry, and one hand was picking absently at the seams of his khaki pants. “Is something wrong?”

“Hey, Kiddo.” Patton smiled nervously. “Sorry to bother you,” he began, but Thomas waved his apology away.

“You’re never bothering me, Pat, you know that.”

Patton seemed to relax a bit at that, and he pressed on.

“This might seem like a funny question, but...you haven’t heard from Virgil today, have you?”

Thomas frowned.

“No, I haven’t. I haven’t talked to him since after the video yesterday.”

“Neither have I,” Patton said, biting his lip. “Logan and Roman haven’t seen him either, and it’s past noon. He’s usually at least come downstairs for his coffee by now. I went and knocked on his door earlier, but there was no answer.”

“Well, I can see why that’d be upsetting,” Thomas acknowledged. “But I thought you said that he would need some time to himself to process everything?”

“What?” Patton asked, frowning in confusion. “When did I say that?”

“Last night,” Thomas said, a frown of his own forming on his face. “You know, when we were talking about him last night? You said that when he was ready to talk, he’d come to me.”

“Thomas, what are you talking about?” Patton looked truly worried now. “We...didn’t talk last night. About Virgil, or anything else.”

Patton paused, and scanned Thomas’s face. Something akin to dread was slowly building in Thomas’s stomach, and he swallowed nervously.

“Then...who was I talking to?” Thomas asked, his voice barely a whisper.

“Tell me everything,” Patton urged, and Thomas did.

Patton, for his part, tried to be an attentive listener, but he couldn’t stop a gasp from escaping his lips when Thomas told him about Virgil.

“He finally told you,” he whispered, raising a hand up to his mouth in awe. “Oh my goodness...that must have been so hard for him, he’s been so worried…” Patton’s face fell as the realization struck. “Oh, poor kiddo...that’s why he’s shut himself in, isn’t it?”

“I assume so,” Thomas agreed grimly. “Then that night, I couldn’t sleep, so I went to the kitchen and you were there...or, I guess, I thought you were there, and we talked, and you basically told me that Virgil was probably really upset, and that I shouldn’t bother him.”

Patton shook his head emphatically, his eyes wide.

“No, no no no. I didn’t, I wouldn’t say that, that’s not what Virgil needs. You have to seek him out, otherwise he’ll just try and avoid what’s bothering him until it goes away. He needs to be shown that he still has support, otherwise he might spiral-” Patton froze, then suddenly he reached out and grabbed Thomas’s wrist. “Thomas, we have to go find Virgil, right now,” he urged.

“I- okay, but why?” Thomas asked as Patton pulled him to his feet.

“Because,” Patton said breathlessly. “Whoever was pretending to be me last night told you not to talk to Virgil this morning. Your first instinct was to find him, but they wanted to stop you from doing just that. So-”

“So why didn’t they want me to check on him?” Thomas gasped, and Patton nodded.

The two of them sunk out without another word, and as soon as Thomas appeared in the mindscape Patton started dragging him up the stairs towards the hallway where all the sides’ bedrooms lay.

“Virgil!” Patton called, knocking on the pale purple door at the end of the hall. “Virgil kiddo, please open the door.” He glanced over at Thomas, who took a deep breath before calling out himself.

“Virgil? Virgil, it’s Thomas...are you in there?”

Silence.

“Virgil, please,” Thomas said again. “Let me in...I have to talk to you. You’re not in trouble, I…” he looked over at Patton helplessly, and the moral side attempted to give him an encouraging smile. “I want to make sure you’re okay, Virgil.”

Silence again.

Patton pushed on the door, but it didn’t budge, and he let out a small, frustrated whine.

“No, it’s locked. Virgil, please!” he banged on the door again, and Thomas tried not to focus on the growing pit of dread in the center of his stomach.

“What are you two doing?” Logan’s cool, calm voice cut through the panic that was growing between the two, and Thomas felt some of the tension in his chest leave.

“Logan!” From the tone of Patton’s voice, it was obvious that he was equally relieved. “Can you help us get this open?”

“Get it open? What do you need Virgil’s door open for? Can he not just open his own door?”

“He won’t answer us, and he might be in trouble, I don’t know, but he’s not responding and now we can’t get the door open and-”

“Breathe, Patton,” Logan said, placing a hand on Patton’s shoulder.

“Right, sorry.” Patton took a deep breath, and Logan turned to Thomas.

“What exactly is going on here?” he asked, and Thomas swallowed.

“Virgil...he won’t answer his door, and we have to see him now, it’s really important.”

“Why is it so-”

“He told Thomas the truth, Logan,” Patton interjected, and the two of them shared a look.

“I see...Virgil, are you there?” Logan called, but Patton shook his head.

“Something’s wrong...we’ll explain later, but we need to get in there, now.”

“I see,” Logan said, then he turned to Thomas. “Thomas, you should be able to accomplish this.”

“What?” Thomas blinked in surprise. “Why me?”

“Technically, when we are in the mindscape, we are inside your head. This whole place is made of your thoughts. Because you hold the control, you should be able to override the quote-unquote physical lock of the door.”

“Okay...how do I do that?” Thomas asked.

“How does he do what?” a booming voice echoed down the hall, and Thomas turned to see Roman coming towards them, his sword draped over one shoulder.

“Ah, good afternoon, Roman. I was just going to explain to Thomas how to open a locked door in the mindscape,” Logan said, nodding to Roman in greeting.

“Uh, not that that’s not a super cool trick he can do, why are you explaining it now? And why are we having this powwow outside Dark and Stormy’s room?”

“Virgil could be in trouble, Roman,” Patton said, biting his lip.

“Trouble?!” Roman cried. “What trouble?!” He stepped forward with his sword, but Logan held up a hand.

“Thomas has promised to explain everything in a moment, but we must focus on one thing at a time. Thomas. Visualize the door being open to you clearly in your mind. As the master of this plane of existence, your projected thoughts can, with enough concentration, come to pass.”

“Are...are you saying that if I just believe really hard that the door is open, it will be?” Thomas asked.

“If that mindset helps you achieve the desired results, then by all means,” Logan said, pinching the bridge of his nose with a sigh.

Thomas looked back to Virgil’s door, then put his hand on the doorknob.

Open, he thought, feeling a bit silly, if he was honest with himself. You’re an open door, you’re unlocked. Open. Let me in.

To his surprise, after a moment the doorknob clicked quietly and the door swung smoothly open, revealing a glimpse of Virgil’s room beyond.

“Bravo, Thomas!” Roman exclaimed. Patton beamed proudly, and for a moment, Thomas forgot the worry that had lead them all here.

Then, Logan cautiously stepped into Virgil’s room, and as Thomas and the others followed, the momentarily high spirits came crashing back down.

“Virgil?” Patton called, but it was no use. The room was empty, with hardly a trace of their little worrywart in sight.

“I think it’s time that you two explain exactly what the trouble is,” Logan said, and as Thomas and Patton took turns explaining, the logical side’s expression turned grim.

“That snake!” Roman growled, punching one of the throw pillows on Virgil’s bed.

“Yes, it does seem likely that it was Deceit you were conversing with last night, Thomas,” Logan agreed. “It is difficult to offer speculation on why he would desire to keep you from checking on Virgil, but the fact that his room is empty after such a conversation is...troubling, to say the least.”

“What are we going to do?” Patton whimpered, and Thomas clenched his fists.

“I’ll tell you what we’re going to do,” he proclaimed.

Three heads turned towards him, three faces that mirrored his own curiosity, his own worry, his own determination. Thomas took a deep breath, and met each of their eyes in turn.

“We’re going to find him.”

--- --- ---

Next Chapter

A/N: Aaaah, I’m super excited to get this story going! The plot of this story will focus on Thomas facing the darker parts of his mind, but I don't know all the specifics yet, so please make sure to check the content warnings on each chapter as needed, and remember to keep yourselves safe! This will have multiple chapters, but hopefully won't be TOO long, and I'm still planning on working on my other wips alongside this one, so don't worry, nothing's been replaced! Hope you enjoyed this <3

-Taylor

(taglists will be in reblogs)

#sanders side fic #sanders sides #thomas sanders #virgil sanders #roman sanders #patton sanders #remus sanders #logan sanders #deceit sanders #villain!deceit #villain!remus #ts fanfic #sanders sides fanfic #sanders sides fanfiction #my writing #a fiendly reunion

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vimesbootstheory · 4 years ago

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Heyyy new batch of book reactions, for Overdue (the podcast) episodes 71-80. Rankings suggest this was not a great batch lol. Spoiler warning for tagged books.

1. The Color Purple by Alice Walker 2. Winnie the Pooh by A.A. Milne 3. The Passage by Justin Cronin

4. Orange is the New Black by Piper Kerman -- I was so charmed by this book. You wouldn’t think that a memoir set in a women’s prison could be so uplifting but it really was. I mean, it doesn’t sugar-coat how dehumanizing prison is, don’t get me wrong. It doesn’t let COs off the hook for how awful they are to prisoners. But that is off-set to heartwarming effect by how supportive and lovely all the women are to each other. I challenge anyone to read this book and not come out of it going, “wow, women are amazing and wonderful and I love them.” I don’t want to spend much time comparing the book to the show, especially because I haven’t seen any of the latter, but I’ve heard both that the show puts lots of non-canonical conflict in, and that it makes Piper a socially myopic asshole, and I think both are a real shame. I really liked Piper as a person, I love her humility about her own early-life idiocy, and I love how grateful she is in the narrative voice to her support system and to everyone who helped her get by in prison. This book refuses to stir up shit about her fellow prisoners, refuses to be needlessly dramatic, and I really respected that. If most fellow prisoners were actually really nice and supportive and not at all hostile, I respect her conveying that without added drama. It doesn’t end up being particularly story-shaped (which is the only reason it isn’t farther up my ranking) but that’s really OK. While reading this, I kept saying aloud, “This is so CUTE!” and it really was. I particularly liked the stories of the women who earned GEDs and were so proud of their accomplishment, that made me cry. And Piper complements this heartwarming content with some necessary criticism of the American prison system, which was very much welcome. The one thing is that Piper stresses pretty heavily that people who look like her don’t often end up in prison, and although that can sometimes be wielded in the sense of acknowledging her own privilege, it doesn’t always, and it can wear a bit thin. Also she’s a bit gatekeep-y about who can call themselves a lesbian, which I didn’t care for. Otherwise, a really lovely book.

5. You Shall Know Our Velocity! by Dave Eggers 6. The Importance of Being Earnest by Oscar Wilde 7. The Martian Chronicles by Ray Bradbury 8. The Crucible by Arthur Miller 9. All Quiet on the Western Front by Erich Maria Remarque 10. A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens 11. Winter's Bone by Daniel Woodrell 12. Watchmen by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons 13. The Murder of Roger Ackroyd by Agatha Christie 14. Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides 15. Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka 16. The Hound of the Baskervilles by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle 17. Girl With a Pearl Earring by Tracy Chevalier 18. Life of Pi by Yann Martel 19. Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes 20. Replay by Ken Grimwood 21. The Lorax by Dr. Seuss 22. The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde 23. A Lesson Before Dying by Ernest J Gaines 24. The Turn of the Screw by Henry James 25. The Giver by Lois Lowry 26. Dracula by Bram Stoker 27. The Old Man and the Sea by Ernest Hemingway 28. Oh the Places You'll Go by Dr. Seuss 29. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee 30. A Visit From the Goon Squad by Jennifer Egan 31. Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez 32. World War Z by Max Brooks

33. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen -- I enjoyed this so much more than Persuasion, which was a huge relief. I’m not actually sure if this was a re-read or not? I think I’ve read it but I couldn’t remember much about it that I couldn’t have picked up from the Knightley adaptation, which I know I’ve seen. I’m still not 100% game for a period piece novel, especially one about rich people, ESPECIALLY especially about British rich people, but this is one of the better iterations of that formula. Elizabeth is compelling and I enjoyed how wholesome and supportive her relationship with her sister Jane was. While the whole formula of initial-hostility-later-turns-into-Feelings has a lot to answer for, this version is blameless. Elizabeth refuses to put up with Mr Darcy until he makes the effort to be kind and generous, and does so in a selfless way that is explicitly not only done to win her affections. I wasn’t exactly swept up in their romance but it was, at least, much more compelling than whatever Persuasion had going on.

34. Tell the Wolves I'm Home by Carol Rifka Brunt 35. Cat's Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut 36. Eddie and the Cruisers by P.F. Kluge 37. The Elements of Style by William Strunk Jr & E.B. White

38. The Hairy Ape by Eugene O’Neill -- This was an unusually detail-heavy play in terms of production directions. Very visual, which I don’t typically expect a play to be. Not that I’m complaining, the visuals were very compelling, especially the tableau of all the workers down in the bowels of the ship and the shadows on their muscles. I suspect it’s often necessary to disregard O’Neill’s stage directions -- some sequences seem infeasible without a real mastery of practical effects and stunt work -- which was entertaining to think about, but I’m going to try to focus on the written work on its own. Almost all of the characters’ lines are written in heavy dialect, which usually annoys the hell out of me but I really enjoyed reading all of Yank’s lines out loud and getting the voice down as best as I could. Yank is initially exasperating but I couldn’t help feeling bad for him as his lot in life worsened. I love a story of class struggle, and this is the story of a guy under the influence of a lot of un-subtle class war rhetoric. He takes “eat the rich” almost literally, bless him, and you can’t help but cheer him on. And then he gets hugged to death by a gorilla. Aww.

39. The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman 40. The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson 41. The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County by Mark Twain 42. No Exit by Jean-Paul Sartre 43. In The Woods by Tana French 44. Pygmalion by George Bernard Shaw 45. Battle Royale by Koushun Takami 46. The Raven by Edgar Allan Poe 47. Big Blonde by Dorothy Parker 48. Mary Poppins by P.L. Travers

49. Surely You’re Joking, Mr. Feynman! by Richard Feynman -- So far my luck with autobiographies seems to be that I end up disliking the subject quite a bit. Seriously, what an asshole. Kind of disillusioning to realize that Feynman was a self-congratulatory misogynist. I think a lot of my problems with this book is due to the format of its composition, i.e. that it wasn’t so much written as dictated, in the style of a person sharing an anecdote. Feynman does the same thing my Nana does, where he makes everybody in the story sound exactly like he does, and when they don’t have all his verbal tics, instead they phrase things in a kind of reverse-gotcha that always sets Feynman up in just the perfect way for Feynman to school them verbally. I’ve buried the lede of Feynman’s sins, of course, in that he participated in the Manhattan Project. His reaction to the bombs being dropped in Japan was such a non-reaction, it was alienating. He just didn’t give a shit, if there was any anxiety at all, it seemed to be more about retaliation. The worst of him out of the way, a much more mild sin of his was the tendency to play cruel jokes on the people around him, for no apparent reason but to have fun, and then to brag about how effectively he’d tricked his target. You’d think if nothing else, this book could offer some knowledge in terms of the science that Feynman introduced to the word, but he almost literally yadda-yaddas over most of it. What a waste of time.

50. Dune by Frank Herbert 51. The Wonderful Wizard of Oz by L Frank Baum 52. Tiny Alice by Edward Albee

53. Go Tell It On The Mountain by James Baldwin -- I feel bad not having gelled with this book, since I very much admire James Baldwin, but yeah, I didn’t. I find stories about religion to be stifling, and this book was heavily, heavily religious. I can’t even say that it was positive about religion, since arguably it was not, but there was just so MUCH of it I could barely breathe. There were whole stretches of the story that were just sermons. I did enjoy the mild queer themes, though.

54. The Reader by Bernard Schlink 55. Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck 56. King Lear by William Shakespeare 57. Medea by Euripides 58. Antony and Cleopatra by William Shakespeare 59. Frankenstein by Mary Shelley 60. The War of The Worlds by HG Wells 61. Mr Penumbra's 24-Hour Bookstore by Robin Sloan 62. The Marriage Plot by Jeffrey Eugenides 63. Don't Go Back to School by Kio Stark 64. The Awakening by Kate Chopin

65. This Is How You Lose Her by Junot Díaz -- This book definitely has things to offer, don’t get me wrong. It is very frank and vivid in its depiction of the experience of immigrating to the US from Latin America. Though it’s not the primary focus of the book, Yunior’s experience with racism in east coast US was educational. The whole part with Raha, Yunior’s brother, running from his leukemia -- that was pretty compelling. But how do you write a book (apparently a collection of short stories, but this was news to me when I finished it, I had interpreted it more as a non-linear story with a couple of completely disconnected chapters thrown in for variety) that is essentially about a serial cheater, and ask the reader to sympathize with him? I’m not sure, since I don’t really feel like Díaz put any effort into doing that. He’s just a cheating shit, who only feels bad about it when he gets caught, and only thinks about women in terms of what their race/nationality is and whether or not they’re giving him sex. The book puts no energy into signaling the setting (in terms of time) or the perspective character, and randomly throws in chapters/stories in the second person, which was irritating and hard to follow.

66. The Lottery by Shirley Jackson 67. Extra Innings by Baseball Prospectus 68. Franny and Zooey by J.D. Salinger 69. Here We Are by Dorothy Parker 70. The Misanthrope by Moliere

71. The Mystery of Chimney Rock (Choose Your Own Adventure) by Edward Packard -- Uhhh so I’m glad the podcast hosts had fun with this, but let’s be honest, this barely qualifies as reading. It’s almost a short story, but it’s not a particularly good one, it’s just a fun toy for kids. A maze to occupy your brains for a couple minutes. In my canon ending, I ended up getting stuck picking up pieces of cat sculpture for eternity. No real explanation for this, it’s just what happened. I’m trying to figure out what to do with future Choose Your Own Adventure episodes because it feels stupid putting them on this list.

72. Bossypants by Tina Fey

73. The Homecoming by Harold Pinter -- Eugh, this was awful. What might actually make this even worse is the possibility hanging over my head that I just didn’t Get It, which I tend to get defensive about. Part of my distaste is also inevitably going to be about the fact that I read this and did not watch it. Sure, I’m certain all those pauses were very weighty when they were filled with actors very pointedly Not Saying Things but all I got to witness during the pauses was the black-and-white acknowledgement of a pause. A whole lot of people bringing shit up and nobody answering them about it. This play is the encapsulation of that bit from Mulaney on the Patriot Act, something like “And people were like, this is groundbreaking! But actually it was just very misogynist?” There is something so Art about a family deciding to take a woman away from her life and turn her into a prostitute without telling her, and she’s chill as long as she has some spending money, because women love shopping.

74. The Legend of Sleepy Hollow by Washington Irving -- What a dud. I was promised a spooky story. This only got mildly, extremely briefly spooky towards the end, and then it turned out there wasn’t even a headless ghost, it was a prank. Ichabod is a total goober, just a real loser, and I’m glad he got frightened out of town. What an odd choice for the main character (ostensibly?) to be so unlikeable, while his enemy is this sort of Gaston type, yet because he was against Ichabod, I was like ‘hell yea, go Gaston guy’. Such a nothing story, I had a really hard time forcing myself to pay attention.

75. The Unnamable by Samuel Beckett 76. The Stand by Stephen King 77. Grendel by John Gardner 78. Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut 79. Persuasion by Jane Austen 80. Beowulf by Unknown 81. The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown 82. Fifty Shades of Grey by EL James

83. Portnoy’s Complaint by Philip Roth -- Hateful, gross, disorganized, pretentious, unfunny (trying SO hard to be funny but sorry bud), repetitive, boring, and bigoted along pretty much any axis of societal oppression that you can name. I was hoping at the very least it would broaden my awareness with the perspective of a jewish american shortly after wwii but to be honest as a gentile I almost feel like I shouldn’t have been allowed to read this, it’s got so much internalized anti-semitism... whether it’s self-aware about this seems besides the point but I’ll leave that for those with a more informed perspective to speculate further. Also ends with a big ole attempted rape. I’ve wasted enough time with this book in front of my eyeballs, and I won’t spend any further words on it.

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captainkirkk · 5 years ago

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King Falls AM Fic Recs

I finished listening to Kfam about a week ago and immediately started binge-reading fics (and re-listening to the entire series). So rather than clogging up my weekly fic round-up, I thought I’d make this into its own list. I’ve still got plenty of fics left to read, but here’s a list of the ones I’ve really, really enjoyed so far.

(Contains spoilers!)

You Don't Tip Over by helloearthlings (Note: this author is going to keep popping up in this list - their fics are just so good)

“I mean, I’m just an intern,” Ben says quickly. “I’m not – I’m not complaining or anything. It’s just – I came to LA just for this internship, and I’ve never lived away from home before. So on top of all the shit I get here, I’m in this awful sublet with five roommates who act like smoking pot is a personality and there’s never a moment’s quiet, and it’s so expensive anyway. I just really miss my mom, this is the first time I’ve lived more than a few miles from her, and the town I’m from is just so special to me and I’ve never been away for longer than a week – oh God, I’m rambling, I’m so sorry -”

“Ben,” Jack moves to squeeze his shoulder, recognizing the symptoms of a panic attack after years of helping Sammy through his. “Just breathe. In and out. You’re gonna be okay.”

[In which Jack recruits Ben as an intern for Shotgun Saturday Nights.]

Take My Heart and Run Along by SolBaby

Ben is 12 and Sammy is 18 and they're whole years too young to try and survive and navigate life on their own. But they have friends who love them more than they know what to do with. And they have each other, despite everything bad in their life that's trying to force it otherwise, at the very least, they have each other. And that's the best they could ever hope for.

Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)

Cassidae

Ben had This Is Your Year, Sammy Stevens clips edited to Green Day’s Good Riddance, subtitled Time of Your Life. It’s a song about someone leaving, but that’s semantics.

Then Sammy’s gone.

[ The first Sammiversary happens sans Sammy. This is what happens after. ]

Wish You All The Best by FoxGlade

“This is gonna sound like a stupid question,” Ben says suddenly, “but what year is it?”

Well, Ben has said stupider things. “2018,” Sammy answers. Ben looks to Jack, who looks to Emily, who narrows her mouth into a thin line.

“That’s… maybe a problem,” she says.

(The Christmas magic of King Falls strikes again, giving Sammy a firsthand account of his own future.)

Call On Me by FoxGlade

There's only one 24 hour grocery in King Falls. Considering the night owl habits of what seems like half the town, Emily was expecting it to be busier, but she's the only one cruising the aisles at 4am on a Tuesday morning. She's just passed the pharmacy section and picked up the medicine she needs, and now she's idling in the produce section. It's maybe too early in the morning for her brain to be online.

But it's not too early for someone else.

The phone only rings once before the voice on the other end says, “You're live on King Falls AM for our special Get Better Ben show.”

(Emily calls into the station while Ben is home sick.)

for a higher love by helloearthlings

“Supreme Court legalized same sex marriage this morning, 5-4.”

Ron could tell in an instant that Sammy already knew; something about him crumpled when Ron said it out loud.

God, the guy was – sad about this? Ron’s quiet suspicion about which way Sammy swung was absolutely confirmed – the straight and narrow of King Falls might be all woe is me over the fact that they didn’t have a monopoly on marriage anymore, but no one looked this wrecked if the decision didn’t affect them personally. The question was why this had put Sammy in some sort of drunken stupor.

[Ron, Sammy, and Pride in King Falls.]

tell me we'll never get used to it by feather_cadence

Ben, Sammy, and Lily come up with some rules for living together. Lily tries to figure out just where it is she fits.

reflected by helloearthlings

“Oh God,” Sammy says faintly with Ben’s voice, staring slack jawed. “I didn’t even know my face was capable of making that expression.”

Ben doesn’t think he has any particular expression on but Jack nods emphatically in Sammy’s direction. “That’s how I knew it wasn't you! Your face just doesn’t do that.”

“Do what?” Ben feels particularly defensive of his face – it’s his face, he can’t change it, except apparently he can, since it’s Sammy’s face right now and oh shit, Ben needs to lay back down and wake up from this surreal dream.

Shine by neversaydie

It's not a flashy affair, more of a cookout than a parade, but Ron's dock is decked out in rainbow bunting and there are cheesy tunes blaring from a speaker inside the Bait and Tackle - as the man himself flips burgers in nothing but his daisy dukes and a rainbow flag tied around his shoulders like a cape.

He is, quite literally, the hero they deserve.

Sammy watches from a distance, leaning against the side of the shop and nursing a beer as the party unfolds. There's already talk of repeating the event next year, getting some local sponsorship and making it bigger and better.

It's… nice. Weird, but nice.

[in which Pride makes it to King Falls, and Sammy gets used to being out and proud.]

Tend by helloearthlings

Ben had been so startled the first time this happened, running in and finding Sammy sobbing and crying out like there was a monster under the bed, but Ben had quickly adapted to this new feature of their friendship. He could be the big brother for a change. He’d shaken Sammy awake, wrapped his arms around him and fell back asleep curled up next to him to make sure Sammy slept through the night.

Sammy told him again and again, with a lack of eye contact and pink cheeks, that it really wasn’t necessary, that he could take care of himself. To which Ben always replied that Sammy had done enough taking care of himself in the last three years and it was someone else’s turn now.

i'm bleeding, i'm not just making conversation by helloearthlings

“I – I don’t know how to say it,” Sammy says, desperately wanting to because he just wants someone to understand, but he knows Jack can’t no matter how hard he tries, and Sammy’s so ashamed already even without his best friend knowing he’s faked his entire life. “I think I’ve been trying to say it all my life, but I can’t, I just can’t, I can’t say this out loud. Every goddamn choice I’ve ever made, every decision, every fucking – personality trait – it’s all fake, it’s all to stay hidden, I don’t think I’m a real person, I really don’t think I’m real.”

[Sammy's internalized homophobia over the years.]

living for the right now by helloearthlings

The crib isn’t all that’s in the box. There’s a stack of kids’ books – Dr. Seuss, mainly. A couple of onesies. One of them is yellow and has a giraffe pattern on it, the other green with turtles.

What really gets Ben is a little brown bear, barely bigger than Ben’s hand when he picks it up with all the reverence he can muster. It’s got a big, bright smile, little black nose, and says I Love You Beary Much on the heart in its paws.

“Oh,” Ben hears Sammy’s voice whisper from somewhere behind him. His voice is very soft and thick, like he’s choking tears back.

That’s when Ben breaks, little sobs coming out of his mouth that he just can’t help.

Oh Bondage, Up Yours

neversaydie

Part 1 of Kink Falls AM (Note: I don’t normally rec smut fics, but this series is a character study with an amazing amount of depth that just happens to be centred around kink. Very well written.)

In which Sammy and Jack's less than vanilla sex life becomes apparent, Ben is extremely sex positive while trolling, and Sammy is absolutely mortified.

a fever i am learning to live with by helloearthlings

Sammy had never lived alone before he came to King Falls.

[Five times Sammy had to deal with living alone for the first time, and one time Ben put a stop to that.]

#my posts #fic recs #kfam #king falls am #man i HOPE that 'read under the cut' works #if not: i'm so sorry mobile users #long post /#kfam recs

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dacrethehalls · 5 years ago

Text

Wild Flowers

Summary: Samantha Harrington never expected to spend her entire spring break with Billy Hargrove and Billy Hargrove never expected to fall in love with Samantha Harrington.

Word Count: 9.9k

A/N: *RE-POSTED FROM MY OLD ACCOUNT* loosely based on the Chateau music video Dacre is in. credit to Dr. Seuss and Shel Silverstine for the quotes in this, and shout out to all my faves who we name dropped in this.

******

"Hey....Emily.....No, Amanda? No-no, it's Laura!" Tommy H. sputtered, leaning against my locker. I rolled my eyes, grabbing my books and balancing against my hip.

"Tommy, we have literally been in the same class since we were seven and you still can't remember my name." I muttered, slamming my locker shut.

"Shit, it's Andy isn't it? Or is it...something that Starts with an R? Or is it a K? Kiki right?"

He could have gone on for hours guessing my name and would still get it wrong. I held up my hand, shaking my head,

"Stop before you hurt yourself. What do you want?" I asked, shifting the weight on my feet.

"Billy is busy today, he said his brother is in town or something and I was going to ask you to-"

"If you finish that sentence with 'ask Steve', I will punch you." I cut off, turning on my heel and strutting towards the parking lot.

"Aw, come on Regan lighten up! " He yelled as he ran to catch up with me.

"That's not my name either." I groaned, "Give it a rest will ya? And last time I checked, you and Steve are not friends...like... at all so go find someone else to blindly follow."

Tommy crossed his arms glaring at me,

"Oh my god. Yes, I'll talk to him."

He smiled at me as I kept walking,

"Thank you, Dot!" He yelled out as I stuck my middle finger in the air.

"That boy really needs to get his own personality." I breathed

I plod out to my car unlocking it,

"Maddie wait!" I let out a defeated groan. "What do you want Keith?"

"Can you cover my shift tonight?"

"I quit The Palace like, three weeks ago." I huffed, leaning on my car.

"And for the last time my name is Samantha. Like the show Bewitched"

"I thought your name was Krista?"

I rolled my eyes, getting in my car driving home.

******

"Not one, but seven. Seven different names Steve. All of which are nowhere close to mine." I grumbled laying across his bed.

"Sammy, relax."

"It's kinda hard to when you have lived in the same town your entire life and nobody can remember your name. Samantha." I drew my name out slowly, "It comes after 'Steve and'."

"Uh so i'm taking Dustin and the others to see a movie tonight. I won't be home until later."

"Way to change the subject, asshole."

"What?"

"I'm telling you that your friends are being pricks to me and you just mention going to the movies with some random kid."

"He's a good kid, Sam."

"Doesn't matter if he's the goddamn president of the United States, I'm telling you that something upsets me and you're blowing me off!"

"Sam, you can't let things like that upset you, okay? Now I gotta go or we'll be late for the showing."

"What I really need is to spend time with my big brother and just forget about this whole stupid thing."

"Maybe later!" He hollered, already out the bedroom door and trotting down the stairs.

I rolled my eyes, rolling onto my stomach and letting out a frustrated groan, blowing the hair away from my face.

Those were always the words I got from Steve when I asked if I could hang out with him; maybe later.

******

The next day at school was the usual, being ignored, people getting my name wrong, including teachers.

I had a nice cry at lunch in my car and ended my day in my favorite spot, a field full of wildflowers outside of the football field.

When the snow started melting away and the temperature went up I would spend my afternoon out there finishing homework and picking the flowers around me. I sat with my legs crossed, a pile of Johnny jump ups and dandelions beside me. I wound the stems together, finding the process relaxing.

"Samantha!" I jerked my head in the direction the voice came from, Billy Hargrove was striding towards me.

"Hi?" I questioned as he reached the blanket I was sitting on,

"Hey, so I was out of school for a few days," he chuckled, pointing at the disappearing bruise under his eye, "Basketball concussion, any way, we have third period chem together and I was wondering if I could copy your notes...and maybe your homework." He asked

Of course the only thing he wanted with me was to use me for my homework. At least he actually knew my name. I'll give him that. I leaned over to my bag, grabbing my chemistry notes handing them to him.

"Do you mind if I sit here with you incase I have questions? I know missing one of Mrs. Valentine's classes really means missing like, five classes. I've missed three so basically I'm fucked."

I chuckled, scooting over on my blanket to make room for him,

"Nah, Mrs. V has been out sick we've had a sub so you haven't missed much."

He offered me a soft smile, pulling his notebook put laying on his stomach, scribbling words on his paper,

"Man, you're pretty thorough, color coded and everything." He noticed, his eyes scanning over the highlighted words and pink gel pen. I hummed in acknowledgement, eyes focusing on the floral stems I held in my lap as I weaved them together.

"Jeez, I may as well just be reading the damn textbook... except at least this shit makes sense." He grumbled as he tapped his pencil against his notepad.

"Yup." I hummed, mindlessly twisting the stems around each other.

I still couldn't shake the feeling that something was off. Billy Hargrove barely gave anybody the time of day, let alone me. Sure, he had his little groupies that followed him around, but they were nowhere in sight. Even Tommy was gone.

"So, uh, you got any spring break plans?" I questioned.

"Not really. My brother is in town, though."

"Billy Hargrove doesn't have any spring break plans?" I gasped, placing my hand over my heart, "What, you aren't going back to bright, sunny California?"

"Pfft, I wish." He scoffed, "Get the hell out of here. It's April and it's still cold!"

"Yeah, that's the midwest for ya." I sighed,

I plopped the flower crown I was weaving on to Billy's head making him break his concentration.

"What's this?" He huffed, poking away his curls from his face as his eyes darted up at me. His brows were knit together in confusion, almost going cross eyed as he attempted to get a walked at what was on his head.

"It's a crown." I beamed, placing the other one I made on my own head, "The purple and yellows in the flowers really bring out the blue in your eyes."

"What kind of hippie bullshit is this?" He questioned, plucking it off of his head and staring at it. Despite his gruff demeanor, I could see the blush creeping up on his cheeks.

"Oh, come on. It makes you walked... soft..." I hummed, gently taking it from his grasp and putting it back on his head.

"Soft?" He scoffed.

Of all the things he had ever been described as, it was never soft. He was more likely to hear a string of profanities and slurs directed at him than to be called soft. Hell, I was occasionally known to call him a dickhead every once in a while. Especially after what he did to my brother. I was about ready to take that spiked bat and go after the bastard myself.

"Balances out the black eye, you know? Actually... it kinda matches." I observed, staring at the eerie yellow color that crept under his eye and in towards his nose. A sign that the bruise was healing.

Billy took his crown off once again, setting it next to his notebook.

"Question." I blurted,

Billy hummed as I laid back on the blanket, looking over at him while he continued to scribble notes down.

"How the hell do you know my name?" I asked.

He raised an eyebrow, staring at me, "I sit behind you in third and sixth period. I see you write it on your paper. Now your last name I don't know."

I let out a loud laugh, sitting up,

"You're kidding me right? Billy, you have to be joking."

The expression on his face led me to believe he was serious,

"Samantha Harrington, otherwise known as The Other Harrington, Steve's Sister, Hey You, Little Harrington, Dakota, Anna, Becca, any and every name that is not remotely close to Samantha." I huffed, blowing a strand of hair away from my eyes.

"You and Steve are siblings?" He pressed.

"He's a whopping 18 months older than me. My parents only wanted one kid, I was an accident. They sorta treat me that way too, the entire town does." I scoffed, rolling my eyes,

"They give me a credit card just so I wont bother them. But I don't use it. I don't need shit from them."

His eyes studied my features, eyebrow still raised as if he expected me to keep talking,

"When I graduate, I'm getting the hell out of Indiana." I sighed, fiddling with the stems of the flowers I had left in my lap.

"I want to travel, live in my car go on fun adventures with my best friend-if I had one. Find a house in a field of flowers. Make as many crowns as I want." I said, placing the flowers once again on Billy's head.

He let a grunt out in defeat as he moved the curls from his eyes once again,

"You know, if you got that cut off, you wouldn't have to keep brushing it out of your eyes." I commented.

"No way in hell I'm cutting this baby off." He replied, smoothing his hand over his hair after taking the crown off again.

I rolled my eyes for what must've been the dozenth time,

"Tommy mentioned something about your brother being in town."

Billy let out a disgusted groan,

"Unfortunately."

"That bad, huh?"

"That bad. He's the favorite son... Star football player, got a scholarship to some school he's way too stupid to attend." Billy griped.

"Does he have a better hair cut? When's the last time you brushed that rats nest?" I questioned, picking up the flower crown and placing it on his head for the hundredth time. Billy grunted in defeat, sitting up.

"According to everyone, he has a better everything then me." Billy rolled his eyes, pulling his cigarettes from his jacket pocket placing one between his lips.

"Bad habit." I scolded, taking it from his mouth and replacing it with a flower.

Billy grunted again, spitting the flower onto the ground as a dragonfly flew over us then zig zagged back, landing on Billy's shoulder. He glanced over at it with a soft expression before moving his shoulder so it would fly away.

"You know dragonflies are often thought to be loved ones coming to visit you after passing away. According to the Native Americans, they bring rejuvenation after hardship." I announced, watching another dragonfly zip past us.

Billy closed his book and sat up, "Thank you, Sam." He yawned, standing up.

"You're welcome, if you ever need my notes again just ask." I chuckled as Billy put another cigarette between his lips.

"I may take you up on that, Sam. Turn the B I have into an A." He laughed as he attempted to light his cigarette, "It's getting dark out, you okay out here by yourself? Or if you want I can walk you out to your car or give you a ride home."

"Thanks, but I might stay out here a little bit longer. The stars are almost out, I like watching them." I mused, earning a raised eyebrow from Billy.

"Okay. well, have a good spring break Sammie. Thanks again." He conceded, rocking back on his heels and heading towards the parking lot.

******

A tap at my window nearly made me jump out of my skin. I spun around in my desk chair, opening the blinds, assuming Steve was an idiot and forgot his key again. To my surprise, a familiar mullet-headed boy offered me a grin and a wave. I glanced over my shoulder to my bedroom door that was still ajar. I rushed over to close it, being careful not to slam it for fear of Steve finding out who was at my window.

I returned to the window sill, unlatching it and throwing it open. I watched as Billy climbed through my window, nearly knocking my glass of water off my night stand.

"What are you doing here?" I questioned.

"You want to travel? Go on an adventure? Let's do it." He panted, adjusting his jacket as he got his footing on the carpet.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Let's just forget about this shitty town and our shitty parents and step out of the shadow of our siblings."

I stared up at him, dumbfounded for a moment, only to notice a new bruise on his cheek. I furrowed my brows,

"Billy. What happened?"

"Don't worry about it, Sammie," He murmured, walking over to my bookshelf glancing at the books, various academic trophies, and my collection of porcelain horses.

He picked up my polaroid camera, pointing it towards me and snapping a picture of me.

"Excuse you!" I exclaimed, trying to snatch the photo out of his hand as he shook it.

"Not a chance, princess."

"Princess." I mumbled under my breath.

He placed the picture in his jacket pocket as he grinned down at me,

"Are you really that desperate to do something over spring break that you want to spend it with me? The other Harrington?" I questioned, crossing my arms.

"Sam, knock it off. You may be a little off your rocker but it's in an endearing way," Billy grinned, lifting the camera up and pointing it at me and getting into the frame as well.

"So what do you say? Hmm? Let's go on an adventure, use up some of mommy and daddy's money. Get out of Indiana or not." He clicked the shutter button, making the camera flash.

He grinned at me, placing that picture in his jacket pocket as well.

This boy was completely crazy, but I knew that Steve would be too preoccupied with the kids that decided he was the best brother figure they could find. He wouldn't even notice that his own flesh and blood sibling was gone. It would also drive Steve up the wall if he found out who I was with.

"Okay. Fine, let's go." I cheered, jumping up and grabbing my bag, packing a bunch of clothes for various occasions. Billy sat on my bed watching as I ran around my room gathering as many things as I could.

"I don't know if Steve is still awake or not so you gotta go back through my window. I'll meet you outside in like ten minutes." I whispered as Billy got up and started climbing out my window.

I shut it behind him, grabbing my bag and heading down the stairs.

"Hey Steve, I'll be home later." I called, walking past him and all his middle schoolers who were all yelling at one another.

Steve threw up a thumb, not even acknowledging me as I pranced out the front door. The thought of getting out of Hawkins sounded more and more appealing. I bumped my bag into Billy's butt, making him turn around.

"There you are." He grinned, taking my bag from my hands.

"We're taking the Camaro."

"No, we're taking Priscilla."

"What the fuck is a Priscilla?"

I grinned, nodding my head to my bright red 1965 Volkswagen Beetle, my baby that I had saved up for and bought myself after turning sixteen.

"I am not riding in that death trap."

"It's okay, Prissy. The mean mullet man didn't mean to call you a death trap. He's just intimidated." I cooed, patting her hood and smirking over at Billy.

"I'm not intimidated." Billy whispered under his breath.

"Then lets go!" I giggled, taking my bag from him and putting it in the back seat.

Billy shook his head, opting not to continue the argument. He grabbed his bag, placing it next to mine.

"You can park your car in the garage."

I pulled out, Billy replacing my spot in the garage with his car. I shut the door as Billy climbed into my car with a grunt.

"So, I didn't think I could actually talk you into doing this since we kinda just met, so I didn't plan this far ahead." Billy admitted, glancing at me.

"It's okay. I know a great place to go to start our adventure."

******

"What the hell is this place?"

"Some boujee country club my parents used to belong to." I replied, "It's disgustingly expensive."

"Then what exactly are we doing here?" He replied, raising an eyebrow at me.

"We're getting a room for the night. For free."

"For free? Yeah, right." He scoffed.

"You think I can't do it? What with my Harrington charm?" I drawled, twirling a strand of hair around my finger.

He rolled his eyes at me,

"Tell you what, let's make a bet." I proposed.

"Now you've got my attention."

I pursed my lips, humming to myself as I thought of what our wager should be,

"If we get in... you have to get your mullet cut off."

"Hey! No way in hell!"

"What, you worried that I'm right?"

"No." He scoffed.

"Then what's your wager if you win?"

"Priscilla." He smirked.

"You got a deal."

His smirk dropped as he realized that I had the confidence to bet my car, my baby. He knew he was getting that haircut.

"Come on, blondie!" I called as I skipped up to the front of the club.

Billy and I both wondered to the front doors, inside a fountain trickled in the background and the pristine white tiles reflected the lights from the ceiling.

"Welcome, how can we help you?" The woman behind the front desk greeted. "Hello, I'm Samantha..Harring...rove.. uh Hargrove," I chirped, glancing up at Billy who looked at me with shock, "And this is my Husband.....Billy." I snaked my arm through his, leaning my head on his shoulder hugging him into my side.

He put on an unconvincing fake grin, flashing it at the woman,

"My parents had a membership here and Billy and I are newly weds. They gifted us a membership under their names." I chided.

"Yes ma'am! What are your parents' names?"

"Timothy and Patricia Harrington."

The lady's head shot up at the sound of my parents names.

"I didn't know Timmy and Trish had a daughter! I thought Steve was their only child." She beamed as I dug my nails into Billy's arm.

He cleared his throat, slightly nudging me in an attempt to get me to loosen my grip,

"You know, your parents said this place was nice, but I hear there's a much better place upstate. Maybe we should cancel the membership and head up their instead."

"If you stay here, all of our newly weds get complimentary room service." The woman offered, startled by Billy's suggestion to take our money elsewhere.

"That sounds nice, doesn't it, sweetheart?" I encouraged.

He gave me a nod, letting out a sigh of relief when I retracted my nails from his skin.

"You'll be staying in suite 315, it's between the gym and the indoor heated pool." She instructed, pointing out the window behind her.

"Thank you." I cheered enthusiastically.

"Congrats!" She called after us as we stepped back outside. Billy pulled his arm from mine,

"I think you made me bleed." He commented, staring down at the half moon marks on the inside of his arm.

"Don't be such a baby." I retorted, going to the door of our room and shoving the key in the lock.

I let out a sigh of relief as the chilled air from the room hit me in the face. The bed was enormous, covered in crisp, white sheets with the logo of the club embroidered into them with green thread. Billy trailed in behind me, throwing his bag down on the floor by the bedside table. I slipped off my shoes, immediately hopping off the floor and landing face first on the bed.

"They're so soft!" I exclaimed, voice muffled by the sheets against my skin.

Billy laid on his side beside me, reading off the menu of the country club's overpriced restaurant,

"On tonight's dinner menu we have pacific caviar and braised lamb with whipped garlic parmesan mashed spuds." He mocked in the most obnoxious, rich old lady accent I had ever heard. And I had heard my fair share of obnoxious rich old ladies at my parent's stupid dinner parties, "Darling, I heard the wine selection is to dieeee for." I rolled over, flicking my wrist while holding my hand over my heart.

"How about we just order a pizza and go for drinks later at that bar we passed. Maybe do some golf cart races?"

"Sounds like a plan to me. But first we have to do something with that rats nest on that head of yours." I smirked, running my fingers in his curls.

Billy swatted my hand away, turning his head to glare at me.

"The mullet stays," he mumbled.

"But my dear husband, remember the bet we made in the car? The one where if I could actually get us a room here you would cut your hair." I giggled, tapping his nose.

"It's never going to happen. I don't remember shaking on that deal." He grunted.

"You lost fair and square buddy. Say bye bye to the mullet."

******

I smirked as Billy strolled out of the salon, his mullet was gone and replaced by a clean shave in the back and his natural curls still up front.

He looked even more handsome than before. I let out a whistle letting, him know I liked it.

"It looks like shit," He objected, crossing his arms.

"No it doesn't. Now come on, there's a club here we can go to. We'll have a few drinks then go back to the room and order pizza." I hummed, grabbing his hand and pulling him towards the club.

"This place is obnoxious." Billy cringed, peering around at all the random couples spread throughout the bar.

"It's a country club. It's supposed to be obnoxious." I chimed, pulling Billy to a table and sitting down at it.

We ordered a few drinks and a appetizer as we people watched the rich folk around us.

The beginning of the song from Dirty Dancing started blasting through the speakers, making me gasp. I turned my gaze over to Billy with a big grin on my face.

I didn't even have to say a damn word,

"No."

"Come on please, I've always wanted to do it. Billy PLEASE!" I begged as I started swaying my hips along to the song.

I danced around his chair as he watched me with a deadpan expression,

"You're the one thing I can't get enough of!" I belted.

"No."

"AND I OWE IT ALL TO YOUUUUU." I sang as Billy groaned, standing up and walking away from me.

"Oh, come on! Where are you going?" I laughed as I kept dancing

"Are we going to do this or not?"

I let out a loud squeal, causing the people around to stare at us.

I started singing at the top of my lungs, walking towards Billy grabbing his hand as we started to twist back and forth along to the song.

"This will never happen again," He gibbed as I twirled around him.

"This is our first dance as husband and wife. We had to make it memorable." I quipped, doing a boogie away from him as the song built up. I kept swaying back and forth before running towards Billy and jumping as he caught me by the hips, lifting me above his head.

I crossed my legs, putting my arms out, smiling knowing that Jennifer Grey would be so proud.

I smiled down at Billy who had a huge shit eating grin plastered across his face. He placed me back on my feet, pulling me closer to him as we kept dancing.

"Ahem, Mr. and Mrs Hargrove, I'm going to have to ask you to leave the club for tonight. You are disrupting the rest of the customers."

Billy and I glanced over at the waiter, busting out in laughter as we ran out of the bar. "People don't know how to have a good time anymore." I groaned as we stumbled into the lobby.

Billy grabbed my hand, pulling me over to the grand piano in the corner.

"I noticed your keyboard in your room. You play?" He asked, sitting on the bench.

He cracked his knuckles, wiggling his fingers before pressing them on the keys, playing the beginning of Claire De Lune.

I glanced at him from my peripheral, pressing my fingers on the keys, playing along with him. "Been playing since I was seven. Rode my bike to my lessons every week."

Billy bit down on his lip before the corners of his mouth turned up.

"I think I started lessons at seven too."

"Who knew the Billy Hargrove has a thing for Debussy and ivory keys." I praised.

He swayed along to the music we were producing together,

"Ahem."

We both turned our heads over at the person behind the desk who was pointing at the giant sign behind us stating that the piano was not to be touched.

"Oops." I giggled, standing up, "Let's go back to our room before we get into more trouble."

"Nah, I'm sure we can find some more trouble we can get into." Billy chirped, standing up. We both shuffled outside and around the country club before coming up to a closed off section.

"You ever crash a wedding before?" I smirked, eyeing Billy as he lit a cigarette.

"Bad habit!" I scolded, taking the stick out of his mouth and replacing it with the pendant from his necklace.

"Will you stop that!" He grunted, taking the cigarette back from me, "We are not crashing somebody's wedding."

We continued our walk around the courtyard, coming across a golf cart. We both looked at each other than made a mad dash to the vehicle

Billy slid me over to the passenger side before climbing in the driver's side, pressing his foot all the way down on the gas pedal.

He drove off the sidewalk turning the wheel sharply making golf cart whip around in a circle.

Before long, the security guards pulled us over, screaming at us to stop and pointing at more signs stating boring rules for the boring people who actually paid money to stay at this place.

We laughed all the way back to the hall leading to our suite,

"Tonight was fun." Billy cackled as we walked into our suite.

"Yeah it was. I'll take the bed. Is the couch okay with you?" I questioned as Billy pulled his shirt over his head, throwing it on the floor and falling face first onto the couch.

"Mmhmm." He hummed.

"Good night, Billy." I whispered throwing a blanket over him.

He let out another soft hum.

"Good night, Sammie."

******

The next morning, I woke up and went down to the travel desk in the lobby, setting up all the things I needed to to surprise Billy with a small trip to California.

I tiptoed into the living room and over to the couch, shaking Billy slightly. "Wake up sleepyhead. Check out is in an 45 minutes and our flight leaves in an hour."

Billy grunted, lifting his head to walked at me.

"Did you just say flight?" He grumbled, his voice hoarse with sleep.

"Sure did. The in-laws bought us round trip tickets to California for the next two days." I beamed as Billy sat straight up, looking at me.

"Did you really buy tickets to go to Cali? Sam, you're shitting me."

Billy climbed over the couch, picking me up hugging me to him. "Thank you Sammie!"

I leaned in kissing Billy's nose, causing him jump a little from shock,

"Come on and get dressed!" I trilled, pushing him toward the bathroom.

******

The flight was longer than I expected it to be. Once we landed in California, I picked up the car I had rented. I eyed Billy who about fell on the ground when the blue convertible Corvette was brought to us. "That's the car you decided to rent!?" He exclaimed, almost drooling over it.

"Mmhm," I hummed, throwing my bag in the back seat and then climbing in the front.

"You know where the Chateau Marmont is?" I questioned, smiling at him.

"Did you get us a room there?" His eyes grew wide.

"Nah, it was too expensive, even for my parents. I booked a hotel overlooking the beach."

Once we got settled into the hotel, both of us were starving. We ventured out, finding some Mexican restaurant that Billy started raving about.

The food was decent and not too expensive but it wasn't like I was afraid of my parents finding out about me spending the amount of money I had in the past few days. They didn't care as long as I didn't bother them.

"Hey!" Billy yelled, catching up to me. "Uh..um.. I got you this," He panted, placing a heart shaped ring into my hand.

I examined it, smiling up at him, "Tanzanite, the December birthstone has energy for emotional healing from all worries. It brings happiness." I informed.

"Yeah..okay. I uh, just found a quarter on the ground and put it in a gumball machine. I mean, you're my wife and I didnt even give you a ring so." He grinned, gesturing to the ring.

"See, tanzanite brings happiness." I beamed as I slipped the ring on my left hand.

"So, does your mom live here?" I questioned as we made our way down the street.

"No. She passed away a while back." He sighed, a frown forming on his face.

"I'm sorry for your loss. You two were close?"

He nodded

"My mother was my best friend, she was a phenomenal woman. I never understood what she ever saw in my dad, he's a shit person." He chided through clenched teeth.

"Does he do this to you?" I asked, lightly touching the yellowing on his skin. He ignored me, walking ahead of me getting into the car.

"He does doesn't he? Are you going to be okay when we go back to Indiana?"

"Yes, Sam, I'll be okay." He retorted as we drove off into the direction of the hotel.

"Are you sure? If you ever need a place to stay you are we-"

"I'm fine Sam. Drop it." He snapped, cutting me off.

"Billy Hargrove is that you?!" Billy's head snapped to the car beside us at the red light we were stopped at.

"Sure is." He chortled, pulling his sunglasses down to his nose.

"Are you back for good?" The guy asked.

Billy shook his head "Nah, my....Sam and I came here for our spring break. We're leaving tomorrow night."

The guy in the car frowned as the light turned green.

"There's a party tonight at Olivia's place! Better see you there!" The boy yelled, driving off.

Billy's eyes lit up as he glanced over at me.

"Party tonight?" He questioned.

I pursed my lips together, rolling my eyes,

"Do we have to?" I groaned.

"Yes, I haven't seen these people in a long time!"

No matter how hard I tried to change Billy's mind, he wouldn't budge. And that's how I ended up at a party full of people I didn't know, sitting next to a Pug named Joe. Not exactly my ideal way of spending my first time in California. But I could tell that Billy missed his friends so I tried my best not to complain.

Music blared through the house as random teens danced around to Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourne. I pushed past the crowd, finding Billy talking to some random girl by the keg as he poured himself another beer.

I was never a partier, when my brother dated Nancy Wheeler, she would always make him take me to parties. Most of the time it would end with me walking home or me hitching a ride from Jonathan Byers who hated parties as much as I did.

I stood next to Billy, nudging him with my elbow, frowning at him nodding my head towards the gate we had walked through when we arrived to the party.

"Sam, it's a party go have fun. Go drink." Billy shooed at me with his solo cup.

I rolled my eyes, walking towards the beach, digging my toes in the sand once I set foot on the grain surface. I plucked a few evening primrose from the steps, placing the stems into my plaited hair as I continued further down to the water. The booming music became more and more distant.

The beach was beautiful, and the California sunset even more so. What everyone considered a beach in Hawkins didn't even compare to this.

I took my time walking along the shore, picking up only the best shells and pieces of sea glass.

"Why aren't you at the party?" I heard a voice from behind me, I recognized it, so I didn't bother to look up,

"What're you doing?" He asked, watching as I scooped a sand dollar off the sand before the tide could pull it back in, "Collecting shells?"

"She sells seashells by the sea shore," I chirped, offering Billy the sand dollar. He rolled his eyes, taking it from me and throwing it into the ocean.

"Hey!" I hissed, crossing my arms.

"God dammit, Samantha can you not be weird for once? You're embarrassing me in front of my friends."

"I don't see anyone but us around," I shrugged, reaching into the water and picking up another shell.

"Sam. Please. Just pretend to be normal." He begged, reaching for the flowers woven into my braid and pulling them out.

"Excuse you!" I yelled, smacking his hands away, "Go party with your friends. I'll be okay by myself. Always have been." I fumed.

"I'm not leaving you out here alone. Just come back to the party, pretend to be normal and we'll come to the beach tomorrow."

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

"Are you really quoting Dr. Seuss? This is the shit im talking about. Normal people don't quote Dr. Seuss."

"If normal people don't quote Dr. Seuss, how do you know it's a Dr. Seuss quote?" I replied, and that was as close to a rebuttal as he was going to get from me tonight. I wasn't about to get dragged in to a Billy Hargrove argument. Especially not on spring break.

Billy continued to follow me as I kept examining shells and placing them into my pockets.

"Somebody has to go polish the stars, They're looking a little bit dull. Somebody has to go polish the stars, For the eagles and starlings and gulls have been complaining they're tarnished and worn, They say they want new ones we cannot afford. So please get your rags and your polishing jars, Somebody has to go polish the stars." I beamed, spinning in a small circle, kicking some water up at Billy.

He let out a frustrated groan,

"Harrington, you are really starting to piss me off." He snarled, grabbing my arm, "God, you're acting just like your brother." He snapped, "No wonder nobody bothers to get to know both of you, you're the same person."

I couldn't remain neutral any longer, I yanked my arm from his grasp and gave him a shove backward before turning on my heels and strutting back the way I came.

"Where the hell are you going?" He hollered.

I resisted the urge to turn around and scream back in his face as well as the urge to reach up to wipe the tears that had started to fall onto my cheek. I couldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing that he hurt me. My attempt at escape was thwarted when he ran up behind me, grabbing my wrist and spinning me around to face him,

"Let go of me, Billy." I hissed, straining against his grasp.

He gripped onto me with white knuckles,

"Not until you tell me where the hell you're going."

"Away from you." I spat.

"I'm not letting you leave here by yourself."

"You don't own me, you don't get to decide what I can and can't do."

"You're out here with me, I'm responsible for you."

"I'm responsible for myself, always have been. Find your own way home, asshole." I tore myself from his grasp, turning my back on him and making my way back to the car we rented, climbing in.

******

I drove around for at least two hours before heading back to the hotel. I knew that eventually the asshole known as Billy Hargrove would make an appearance, taking place of the boy I had been around for the past few days.

I figured it was from him being vulnerable with me and opening up to me about his father and mother. But the loss of his best friend and the fear of his father gave him no right to treat me or any other person that tries to get close with him the way he treats them.

I grew up almost raising myself, in a semI neglectful home with a vain mother, an absent father, a star athlete and a favorite brother. And that made me angry. That my own flesh and blood never took the time to come to my piano recitals, or come cheer me on for any academic achievement.

Hell, I doubt anyone in my family even knew that I was graduating a year early. I was counting down the days to graduation. I would be my own person, I would travel to places and do things that my brother would be too scared or stupid to do.

I opened the door to our hotel room to find Billy slumped on the couch asleep. I went over to him, taking his boots off and covering him up with a blanket.

"You're back." He grumbled, half asleep.

"Mmhm. Go back to sleep." I whispered, setting a glass of water on the table next to him then walking to the room, shutting the door.

******

I woke up the next morning to Billy shaking my arm. "Hey...Um I'm sorry about last night."

"I only accept apologies from assholes when there are pancakes involved." I grumbled, pulling the covers over my head.

"Sam..." Billy whined. I felt the bed shift as he sat next to me, resting his hand in the curve of my waist,

"Go away." I objected, kicking at his butt and wiggling out from under his touch.

A small chuckle left Billy's lips as he moved the covers from my head, "I really can't take you seriously when you're mad." He laughed.

I glared at him,

"You're a jerk. Get me pancakes and then we'll talk."

"Get up and get dressed. I'll take you to the best pancake place in town."

I wandered out of my room, passing Billy who was sitting on the counter with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth.

"Are you really not going to talk to me until I feed you?" Billy asked as he followed me into the elevator. I glared over at him angrily, not breaking our eye contact, pressing the button that would take us to the lobby.

"Sammie..."

I crossed my arms, examining the tiles of the elevator floor.

"I know.. I'm an ass okay? I'm sorry for what I said, you're nothing like Steve and it's a goddamn shame that nobody in that shit stain of a town doesn't see you as Samantha. You're crazy and quote Dr. Seuss and Shel Silverstein as a means to fight. You always know what to say and the right time to say it. I didn't mean anything I said last night."

My head still faced the opposite from where Billy was standing. I uncrossed my arms, reaching down grabbing Billy's hand.

"You're still an asshole" I asserted,

I could feel him relax underneath my touch. I glanced over at him, he was staring at me, cigarette still hanging from his mouth.

"Bad habit." I jeered, taking the cigarette out of his mouth and replacing it with a lollipop I found on the floor of the elevator.

Billy took the lollipop out of his mouth, dropping it to the floor gagging. "Gross!" "Still better than the cancer stick." I retorted, crossing my arms again and staring him down.

"You're an asshole." I repeated, skipping out of the elevator and outside to our car.

"These are some of the best pancakes you will ever have." Billy hummed as he started the car, heading in the direction of the diner he was taking us to.

He was right. They were some of the best pancakes I had ever had.

"So are you going to talk to me now?" Billy questioned, reaching for my hand and interlocking our fingers.

"I told you I would once you fed me." I quipped, pushing my plate away with my free hand.

"I'm truly sorry about last night Sam. I shouldn't have forced you to go to the party and expect you to want to stick around. And I'm really, really sorry for comparing you to Steve. You're not like him at all."

I squeezed his hand, peering up at him.

"You're an asshole. But, I forgive you."

******

Billy and I sat in comfortable silence on the car ride home from the airport. I couldn't help but have this feeling that once we got home and went our separate ways that Billy would go back to his friends and I'd go back to my flowers. Despite him profusely apologizing over our fight on the beach, I feared that he would go back to being his asshole self and only talk to me when he needed notes- maybe even to get under Steve's skin by being around me.

I pushed my feet up in the dash as Billy silently hummed to himself, tapping on the steering wheel.

"What's going to happen on Monday?" I questioned, peering over at him, "The past few days have been...amazing to say the least but once school starts back, are we going back to Billy Hargrove the king of Hawkins and The Other Harrington."

I started to nervously fidget with the ring Billy had given me, twisting it around my finger.

Billy reached over, grabbing my hand and squeezing it "When school starts back on Monday, I'll be Billy and you will be Samantha. I know im an ass, but I won't pretend this trip didn't happen, that I don't love you."

I turned my head at him in surprise over the fact that he just admitted that he loved me.

"Sammie, you make me less pissed. Not... not pissed, but I feel like I use to before I lost my mom."

"I saved that flower crown you gave me. It's in a box under my bed next to a flower crown she made for me on my fifteenth birthday."

Billy brought the back side of my hand to his mouth, placing a kiss on it.

"You promise?" I asked hesitantly. He sighed, pulling over on the side of the road.

"Sam, I'm not sure if you heard me the first time, but I'm in love with you. You somehow talked me into getting a haircut,-"

"You lost a bet and those were the stipulations." I corrected, earning an eye roll from him.

"I cut my hair for you, and I opened up to you about my father. And told you about the only other person that I knew that was as kind and loving as you are. It was a no brainer that I would fall in love with you. I just didn't expect it to happen as fast as it did."

I leaned over, kissing his cheek,

"You are an asshole with I really nice hair cut. I love you too, Billy Hargrove." I reached over, turning the volume up as the guitar riff to Highway to Hell blasted through the cars speakers. I started dancing along to the beat beckoning Billy to get out of Priscilla and join me on the side of the road.

Billy laughed, getting out grabbing me by my waist as we started dancing together. We danced and twirled around to the music, singing along to the words together.

Billy placed his hand on the small of my back, pulling me closer to him as his other hand snaked behind my neck, bringing my lips to his.

"So, uh, I was wondering if you wanted to go get dinner later? But not like friend dinner...uh like a date? And you be my girlfriend." He babbled.

I chuckled, kissing his nose,

"You're cute when you're nervous. Hasn't this week been one long date?" I questioned, intertwining my fingers with his.

Billy leaned in, his head resting it on mine. "I don't want to go home." He confessed, opening his eyes looking down at me.

"We have to go back to reality. And when graduation comes around, we'll pick back up where we left off, travel the world together forget about Indiana."

I twirled around Billy's fingers before wrapping my arms around his neck.

"So now I'm included in this adventure?"

"You are my husband, you kinda have to go with me." I retorted, resting my head on his shoulder as the song slowly came to an end.

Billy wrapped his arms tighter around me, placing a kiss on top of my head.

"Back to reality."

I pulled up in front of the Hargrove household, glancing over at Billy who was almost as pale as a ghost. "I'm going in there with you."

"No you're not. Sammie you are safe out here."

"But you aren't safe in there." I retorted, getting out of my car.

"He won't do anything to you in front of a stranger." I added, reaching down for his hand. We walked into his house to find what looked to be his father and brother sitting on the couch watching whatever game was playing on the television.

Both men drew their attention to the door. Billy's father glared at both of us his arms crossing over one another.

"Where the hell have you been?" He snarled, standing up from his recliner.

"Uh...um," Billy sputtered.

I squeezed his hand trying to give him reassurance as Neil turned his focus from his son to me.

"You were off doing God knows what with this whore weren't you?!" Neil boomed, not breaking eye contact with me.

"Um.. uh."

"That's not an answer, Billy."

I groaned,

"Yes, Mr. Hargrove he was with me. We went to my parents country club and then flew to California for a few days. It was a lot of fun. I found a lot of pretty shells. I see where Billy gets being an asshole from." I exclaimed as Billy's hand tightened against mine.

"I want you out of my house!" Neil howled, taking a step toward Billy and I. Billy instinctively took a step in front of me.

"You want me out? Fine."

Billy pushed past Neil, heading the direction of his bedroom, me following behind. He grabbed the remainder of his clothes from his closet, stuffing it in trash bags. I reached under his bed, grabbing a shoebox with his mother's name scribbled across it

"Can't forget your flower crowns." I whispered, sitting the box on the bed, helping Billy grab all of his belongings.

"You have nowhere to go." Neil laughed, standing in the doorway and crossing his arms.

"My house is big. He can live with me." I retorted, stepping in front of Neil, blocking his view of Billy the best I could.

"And your parents are going to be okay with that?" Neil challenged.

"I don't think it's any of your business how my parents react to Billy coming to stay with me."

Billy walked over to me with the trashbags full of his belongings.

"He isn't your concern anymore. You can fuck off." I spat, reaching back for Billy's wrist and bumping my shoulder into Neill as we walked in the the hallway.

"You'll be back after this slut gets tired of you." Neil yelled following after us. I stopped turning to face him.

"I can assure you, that I won't get tired of him. We got married when we were in Cali." I chortled, flashing my left hand up at him.

"Like I said, Billy isn't your concern anymore." I lifted my middle finger up at Neil as Billy pulled me out of the house and out to the car.

******

"Steve isn't going to be happy," I mumbled, pulling into my driveway.

Billy let out a small laugh, leaning over kissing my cheek. I faced him with a stern expression,

"Please be nice. I'll handle all the talking." I stressed, squeezing his hand. I placed a quick kiss on his lips before stepping out of Priscilla

"Where the fuck have you been, Samantha?" Steve gripped, walking out of our house and crossing his arms.

Billy slowly got out of Priscilla, walking around to stand behind me.

"Let me rephrase that, where the fuck have you been with Billy Hargrove." Steve seethed.

"California." I stated as a matter of factly.

"California!?" Steve blurted, his jaw dropping, "What did you do to her, Hargrove, kidnap her?!"

"He's my friend...boy," I said as Billy intertwined our fingers, "Err my boyfriend."

"Since when?"

"Since this morning."

"Sam, you don't socialize you go to school and come home."

I rolled my eyes, opening my mouth to say something only to be cut off by Steve,

"How do you two even know each other? God Samantha, leave it up to you to become friends with the biggest asshole in school. Do you even remember what happened to me in October?"

Billy stood between us placing a hand on Steve's chest. Steve quickly stepped away from Billy's touch, "Man, I know we have our issues. And I'm sorry for everything I've done to you." He began.

Steve crossed his arms over his chest, raising an eyebrow and shifting his weight onto his heels, "But I actually give a shit about Sammie. And nobody appreciates her damn near as much as she deserves." Billy mused, glancing down at me.

"Stop acting like you care, Steve." I grumbled under my breath.

"You're my baby sister, of course I care."

"Really? Do you even care enough to know that most of your friends don't even know my name?" I fired back.

"What're you talking about?"

"In fact, most people don't even know my name. Not just your friends. And you know who did? Billy. You know who came and talked to me without prefacing it with 'can you tell Steve'? Billy." I defended, "He actually talks to me like I'm a real person and not just a means to get to you."

"Are you sure that isn't what this is? A means to get to me?"

"Is it really that hard for you to believe that somebody cares about me?"

"I find it hard to believe that Billy Hargrove cares about you."

Billy dropped my hand from his grasp, balling up his fist. I stepped ahead of him, blocking his path if he decided to make a move.

"Somebody has to! Mom and dad sure don't. And you're too busy running off with a bunch of middle schoolers who you call your siblings to pay attention to your actual younger sister!"

"Sam, this isn't about mom or dad or me or them!"

"Bullshit it isn't!" I snapped, "My entire fucking life I've been walking around in your shadow and I'm goddamn sick of it!"

"How many times have I told you that people don't know my name? How many times have I said that kids I've known my whole life, gone through kindergarten with, don't know my name? All I am is Little Harrington or The Other Harrington. I'm not Samantha. I'm not my own fucking person. And that's on you, Steve!"

"How is it on me that you don't do anything to get attention?"

I could faintly hear a rumble in Billy's chest,

"Because you've never taken me seriously! Never stood up for me when I needed you to. Steve, I needed you to be my big brother and protect me and you didn't!"

Steve opened his mouth like he was going to say something, but I cut him off,

"Go take care of the rest of your 'little siblings' hope you don't let them down like you did to me." I snarled.

Billy went back over to Priscilla, grabbing my bag from the car and following behind me.

"I don't think so. You are not going into my house." Steve said, grabbing his arm.

"Fuck you, Steve." I spat as Billy yanked his arm from my brother's grasp.

They squared up with each other, chest to chest. Neither of them particularly wanted to get into a fight, especially not in front of me. I intertwined my fingers with Billy's and took him inside with me.

"What the fuck is he doing here?" Dustin asked as the other kids stood up in defense.

"Ask your older brother, he seems to be pretty open with you guys." I sneered, pulling Billy up to my room.

I shut the door behind us, leaning back on it and letting myself cry.

"Hey, hey, hey, baby, no." Billy comforted, pressing his forehead to mine. "No crying." He cupped my face in his hands, making me look at him

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

I smiled softly at him as he kissed me,

"Normal people don't quote Dr. Seuss." I sassed, wiping my face with the back side of my hand.

"Well, as it turns out, I'm not as normal as you think."

******

Monday I could feel every single eye on me. The worst part of living in a small town was word got around fast.

"Christy, is it true you and Billy Hargrove robbed a bank over spring break?"

I rolled my eyes as I shut my locker door,

"No, it's not true." I grunted, walking past Carol and into Chemistry. A smile spread across Billy's face as I walked down the row of desks and took my usual seat at the one in front of him. He leaned forward in his desk, pressing a kiss to my cheek,

"I missed you," He whispered, placing another kiss on my shoulder.

"Two whole periods without me, how did you live!?" I exclaimed,

"It's not like you didn't just move in with me." I joked, leaning my head back so it was laying on his desk.

Billy chuckled, leaning forward connecting our lips together, earning various grunts and sighs from some of the girls in our class room.

By lunch people were well aware of Billy's status. People know knew who I was and who I was dating. But they still intentionally called me some random name.

Most of them probably figured that it got under my skin, so why would they stop?

"Sammie, are you okay?" Billy asked as we walked into the lunchroom together.

"Yeah, I'm just not used to being this...well known. And people are now purposely calling me different names." I sighed as I grabbed a juice and a banana in the lunch line.

"Mr. Hargrove, your new haircut looks wonderful!" Edna, the lunch lady chirped.

"Doesn't it?" I questioned, running my hand in his hair.

Billy rolled his eyes, swatting my hand away before paying for both of our lunches.

"Oh! Miss Hayley! Will you please tell Steve he still owes us money from before spring break."

I grinned at her, knowing that she didn't mean any harm by calling me the wrong name, unlike the rest of the school.

"Sure thing, Edna."

I followed behind Billy as we both sat at the lunch table with Tommy H. and Carol.

"Nicole are you lost?" Tommy H grimaced as I sat next to Billy. "No, I'm not." I mumbled. "Then why are you sitting here? Last I checked you weren't popular." Carol snorted.

The walked on Billy's face made me think he was about to kill everyone around him.

"Knock it off both of you. Samantha is my girlfriend." Billy chided.

"Ew, why would you want to date Kayla?" Tommy sneered, giving me a disgusted look "You know she's Steve's sister, right?"

In a flash Billy flew across the table, throwing his fist into Tommy's face. He then climbed on the table, placing his pinkies in his mouth and whistling.

"Just so we are all on the same page, This girl has a name, and It's Samantha. She's my girlfriend...Samantha Harrington is my girlfriend. If I hear anyone call her The Other Harrington or anything that is not Sam, or Samantha, one more time, you will really be wishing you didn't." He threatened, "Now what is my girlfriends name?"

In unison, the entire lunchroom sang out my name. I could feel my cheeks grow warm. I knew for a fact I was as red as a tomato.

"And if any of you mess with her? You'll deal with me," He yelled as one of the coaches marched over, pulling Billy off the table and escorting him out of the cafeteria.

I cleared my throat, poking at my plate as Tommy climbed back back up to the table, holding his bleeding nose.

"The chicken is really good today isn't it?"

******

The week was long and uneventful, and by Friday not only did everyone- including teachers knew my name, they also came up to me apologizing- something I'm sure was Billy's doing.

I didn't hate this new found fame but I didn't love it either. Billy made an ass out of himself at lunch, landing him a weeks worth of detention. So every day I would go sit in the field, making 2 floral crowns while I waited for Billy to get out of his detainment.

"How was detention?" I asked as Billy plopped down on the blanket next to me ,taking my floral crown from my head and placing it on his own.

"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world." Billy sang, kissing my cheek.

"Quoting Dr. Seuss again are we?" I sassed.

"I love you," He uttered as a dragonfly flew by landing on my nose.

I chuckled, shaking my head startling the bug away.

"Looks like your mom loves me too."

Billy smirked, pressing his lips onto mine before stretching out onto the blanket, placing his head on my lap, staring up at me with the utmost adoration.

It didn't matter anymore to me that people got my name wrong, or how I would become a distant memory after graduation,

The soft boy with a hard exterior had the free spirited girl with a love for wildflowers.

We had each other, we made each other shine.

And that's all that matters.

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