#this latest chapter of Now That I See You is really a meta nightmare

[10holmes]

The fic writer struggle of wanting to write characters...

as in-character ⚡ a little OOC

as possible to ⚡ for personal

stay true to the ⚡ indulgence & as

source material ⚡ fun experiment

[stewardofningishzida]

Dr. Strange Meta-Fic Sequel!

PEOPLE! The Meta-Fic is back and strong as ever. So, here’s Chapter 1 of the sequel. Thanks to Trix, Tear, and PrettyWitch for sticking with us! Have fun and enjoy, everyone! TRIGGER WARNING: Cryptids, mention of blood, some horror elements, panic attack mention, language

Chapter 1:  Lingering Fragments

*It’s been 5 months since Stephen left. The world remained unaware of his visit, although strange sightings were constantly reported in the news. A glowing baby, a dodo bird, and HD photos of Bigfoot, to name a few. At first, we dismissed them as AI-generated images or possible side effects coming from the rift that Stephen and Wong had closed, but the latest picture of a chupacabra taken only 4 hours away from our town was too uncanny to ignore. I text the group.*

Me (text):  Hey…There’s been a lot going on and I don’t think we can ignore it anymore.  Should we try to check this chupacabra thing out and make sure nothing majorly wrong is happening?  I know it’s kinda far, but it’s closer than anything else reported.  What do you guys think?

Tear (text): It would be nice to confirm if this is all just more proof that AI is a curse, but I have to point out that there’s also the possibility that it could be real. If we do choose to go, we’ll need a plan for every single eventuality. I really don’t want a repeat of the mines.

Trix (text): No one needs a repeat of the mines.

PrettyWitch (text): I think we should go. I’ve been having weird flashes of some kind of monster lately, so it might not be such a bad idea.

Me (text):  Agreed.  I would like to not be caught off-guard and have one or more of us nearly killed.  Wait…Weird flashes, PrettyWitch?  Like visions or something?  You’re sure it’s not just nightmares from the weird news stories?

PrettyWitch (text): Maybe…I mean, I have been watching a lot of BBC Sci-fi and post-apocalyptic shows recently.

Me (text):  Hm.  Well…How vivid are these flashes and do they all have the same monster in them?  Like, describe these flashes.  At this rate, we should probably figure it out and confirm whether or not these ARE visions.  

PrettyWitch (text): Well, they usually start as an image that I swear I’ve seen before, almost like I’m having deja vu. Problem is, they’ve been coming more often and in weird ways. For example, sometimes I’ll feel off, like my body is reacting to this intense aura or something and then a few days later, something happens. It’s not always bad, but it’s been happening a lot recently. My mom’s even worried that something may be wrong with me. What’s funnier is that I’ve been seeing flashes of this monster whenever it happens, and the real kicker…I feel like I predicted we’d be having this conversation in a dream I don’t remember. In fact, I’m getting a sense of deja vu right now!

Me (text):  Weird…Also, seriously?  Erm…Okay then.  If this is what’s going on, taking into account everything else happening, then I suppose that these really might be visions.  Man…So much for the rifts being closed.  If we find that chupacabra during our search, then that all but confirms that they’re still open and actively spilling magical energy into our universe.  Which monster do you keep seeing, by the way?

Tear (text): Wong personally assured us he had closed them, though. With both him and Stephen gone, there shouldn’t have been any magical signatures luring other beings and monsters into our reality…

Trix (text):  These might not be from their universe but another one and that’s why we haven’t heard from them.

PrettyWitch (text): I keep seeing this dog-like creature. But its body is…longer than a dog’s would be. And it has these long, sharp claws and inhuman eyes.

Me (text):  Hmm…Well, Wong kinda said that the rifts would close on their own over time.  However, according to him, sorcerers traveling through the multiverse don’t usually stay longer than 24 hours.  Stephen was here for 2 weeks.  Even Wong said that it was unprecedented.  So, maybe the rifts are still closing or got torn open more because Stephen was stuck here for way too long?  Not sure.  As for the monster in the visions, that might be our beast.  If we find it.  What do you think, guys?  Recon mission?

PrettyWitch (text): Yeah. I’m all for that. 

Trix (text): I volunteer to be base camp!

Tear (text): …Guess there’s no helping it, then.

Me (text):  Okay.  Meet me in my driveway on Saturday.  If any of you have trail cameras, bring them.  We’ll also need plenty of water, sunscreen, and tough clothing that ventilates well so nobody gets overheated.  We also need a cooler.  I’m making a stop by the specialty butcher shop.  If it really is a chupacabra, we’ll need fresh goat blood.  That’s the only place I can think of to get it.  Maybe a few cups or small bowls to place in front of the cameras too.  That should work.  I’m hoping the thing doesn’t notice us and get aggressive.  If so, then the last things we may need are some baseball bats or any other weapons to get it off of us.  However, seeing as we aren’t Stephen and Wong, let’s try not to get noticed and shredded.  See you guys this weekend, Saturday morning.  I’ll get ready and wait by the car.  

PrettyWitch (text): Okay, but where are we gonna find fresh goat’s blood again?

Me (text):  The halal butcher shop downtown.  They sell goat meat there.  The local Indian restaurant nearby makes an amazing goat curry.  Anyway…Since the butchers process the meat, they should also have the blood.  

PrettyWitch (text): Oh okay.

Tear (text): Saturday it is, then. Be sure to bring as much protection as you can think of. Chupacabras have never attacked human beings, they usually prefer to creep and stalk only, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.

Trix (text): At least it isn’t vampires.

*After a few days of work and gathering materials, I grab the cooler from my garage, some bottles of water, a bottle of sunscreen, and various other supplies.  After putting them in the trunk, I wait for the group.  Tear is the first one to arrive.*

Me:  Hey, Tear.  Got as many supplies as I could.  Also found some of my old spare fencing armor.  It has a protective layer of kevlar sewn onto it.  So, it might come in handy.  It’s hot, though.  So, better to only put it on if things get really hairy.  

Tear: That sounds like a great idea. I asked my dad to lend me some of his tools and made these. *I pull from my trunk two baseball bats with long, thick nails hammered on their top end* I’ve watched enough zombie and horror shows to know they come in handy. Let’s just keep them hidden in case there are any road patrols… Oh! I also brought a few dog bite sleeves my uncle still kept after his stint as a trainer.

Me:  Good stuff.  Yeah…That stays in the trunk under the spare tire so it doesn’t look sketchy.  Okay.  Let’s think…Anything else?  Still have to wait for the others to arrive.  

*PrettyWitch is the next to arrive.*

Prettywitch: I’ve brought a couple of sleeping bags and a tent in case we need to camp out for the night. Oooh!!! I also brought some Hershey’s s'more packs if we want something sweet for later. And I think  I’ve got an Aero brand in here, too. And…a few books to read and some pen and paper for jotting notes on.

Me:  Awesome!  

*Trix arrives last.*

Trix: Sorry I’m late! Let’s get this started.

*Once we’ve packed everything into the car, we’re off.  It’s going to be a long drive into the desert.*

Me:  Everyone feeling okay still?  How are the nerves?  Oh!  Butcher.  Just a sec.

*I make the side stop to the butcher shop for the goat blood.  Trix and the others follow me in out of curiosity.  There are some tasty imported treats that we can buy there anyway.  The shopkeeper’s husband, Mr. Singh, is a recent immigrant.  So, his English is spotty at best.  He hangs back most of the time and talks to his wife in Punjabi.*

Mr. Singh (in Punjabi to his wife as he goes to get my order):  Goat’s blood?  What kind of request is that?  At least we recently processed some of the livestock…

*Trix frowns as she hears Mr Singh loud and clear compared to when he just recently talked to a customer hesitantly. She assumes he’s just shy and prefers to stay in the back but doesn’t note it as particularly odd.*

Me (noticing her expression):  Something up, Trix?

Trix: I don’t think so. But it looks like they have the goat blood for us. *Nods her head at Mr Singh discreetly.*

Me (oblivious):  All right.  I suppose I’ll go pay.

*Things go without any additional hitches.  Though I do notice that Trix looks a bit confused.  I didn’t notice anything different.  Mr. Singh always chats with his wife while working.  Though I have no clue what he’s saying.*

*Trix just frowns at a sudden headache and decides to just follow the others.*

*After a few hours, we arrive at the suspected site, a spot with limited pasture that is a few minutes away from the nearest farm.*

Me:  Okay.  So, first thing’s first.  Let’s lay low, keep quiet, and stay together.  Our first objective is to scope out some potentially good areas to place trail cams.  Here.  We can use my binoculars.  *I offer them.*

Tear: I think we should hone our cover story in case we run into anyone else. The press might be concentrating on stalking the farmers and locals, but the cryptid hunters might also be trying to make their way out here for their own investigations.

Me:  If anyone asks, then we’re wildlife biologists looking to see any potential predators causing problems.  That includes diseased coyotes and such.

Tear: *I hum in agreement* Mange is a rather nasty disease.

Me:  Yep.  The really bad cases often end up in wildlife rehab centers for a while.  Also, in case anyone gets suspicious, I can just blab some ecological jargon.  I still remember quite a bit from back when I was an environmental science major.  Just smile and nod.  Maybe point at a plant or animal and ask what it is and I’ll start talking about it.  That way, it makes us look like just a group of grad students.

Trix:  Just smile and wave friends, smile and wave. *She can’t help but meme at a time like this*

*I smirk at the joke.*

PrettyWitch: Sweet! I can pretend I didn’t graduate with a useless degree!

Tear: Alright, should be easy enough to fake. Let’s get this done quickly then before the heat gets to us. If we hurry, we can then nap until sundown so that we can spend the night surveilling our footage.

Me:  Onward, then.  *I put some sunscreen on and sling my backpack onto my back while also picking up the cooler full of blood.*

*We start looking around for any viable camera placement areas.  Any place we think might work gets a camera either strapped to a shrub or tied to a stake hammered into the ground.  I place a small cup of goat blood in front of each camera.*

Me:  That way, the sun’s heat warms it up and the smell can start to waft around.  Should tempt the thing more.  Whatever it may be.  Anyone see any potential issues with anything set up here?

Trix: Besides being outside? *Makes a face but is clearly joking at least a little bit.*

Tear: Other than attracting every animal that scavenges for carrion? We’re gonna have a long night ahead of us…

PrettyWitch: Oh yeah…Not to mention all the bugs and stuff that’s gonna try and eat us alive.

Me:  Will help to rule anything else out, I guess?  Most stuff doesn’t usually go for blood only.  So, since there’s no meat, maybe they’ll just cruise by or sniff.  If this IS a chupacabra, then they’ll really want that blood.  Ergh, yeah…I’m kinda glad I picked up some canned coffee.  Triple shot espresso.  That should do the trick.  Heh…I don’t have a problem at all!  *I half-joke.  Admittedly, I’m quite dependent on caffeine.  More than once, I’ve been caught bouncing off the walls after several cups of tea or coffee.*  We should take turns watching the cameras and surroundings.  That way, nothing can catch us by surprise.  Who wants to do the first shift camera and who wants to be the first sentry watching our surroundings?  That way, 2 of us rest and 2 of us are active at any given time.  *I think for a moment.*  Ehh…I can do sentry duty for the first shift since I was the one who had us all come out here.  Just need one other person to cover the camera footage.  Sound fair?

Prettywitch: Sure. I’ll be the first camera watcher, then. I wanna see if I was right or not.

Me:  All right.  Tear, Trix, you guys can rest for now.  We’ll wake you up either if something happens or our shifts end.  Deal?

Tear: Deal. Just remember not to charge in and go investigate on your own if anything does happen. Wake us all first.

Trix: I absolutely will not be running towards any monsters.

Me:  I’ll be careful.  Not liking the idea of getting jumped by anything in the dark.  If any of us sees anything, we’ll holler to wake the others.  I’ll patrol our campsite with my machete.  I carry it in my hiking bag anyway to help cut small branches for kindling.  Can wear my fencing jacket to protect my torso.  In the dark, it looks enough like a normal coat for people not to notice.  The kevlar in it should make sure nothing can get to me too easily.  Let’s set up camp and then Tear and Trix can get some sleep.

*We set up the tent out of sight of the road and farm so we’re harder to spot.  I put a few of my old field guides, a calculator, and a notebook in the tent just in case someone comes around and starts asking questions.*

Me:  Again, if anyone asks, we’re wildlife biologists.  Good?

Tear: *I nod.*  Don’t wander off too far.

Me:  I’ll be sticking to the perimeter of camp.  If I get too close to any of the bait or cameras, it might not show up.  So, I’m not going to disturb them.  *I open the canned coffee and drink it.*  There’s more if you guys want it.  I bought 4 cans.

*When night falls, I hand PrettyWitch the phone with the camera feed, put on my gear, grab the machete, and head out while Tear and Trix settle down to sleep.  I’m very quiet with only the soft padding of my footsteps to be faintly heard.*

Prettywitch: *Is currently walking around with a camera in one hand, and a bottle of pepper spray in the other. The whole time she’s thinking she’s glad she never saw “Blair Witch” or she’d be even more freaked out than she is now. Pulls out her phone to text Steward.*  Hey; I just remembered I didn’t have time to research Chupacabras before we got here. What am I supposed to be looking for, exactly? Not appearance wise, just more like signs to look out for.

*I text PrettyWitch back*

Me (text):  Chupacabras go for blood as a main food source.  So, if the thing starts eating or licking up the blood from the cups, that might be a sign.  Also, if you hear animals screaming from the farm, it might be an ongoing attack.  They mutilate livestock.  I put the cups of blood right in front of the cameras as bait.  So, hopefully the cameras will show it coming over to feed.  I can hear your footsteps, by the way.  You don’t have to patrol.  It’s just a wireless camera feed on the phone.  That way, it’s easier on you and you can concentrate on the screen.  

PrettyWitch (text): Alright. But I’m keeping the pepper spray with me!

*The first shift passes fairly uneventfully.  So far, only a curious opossum has come by to sniff at the bait.  I head back towards the tent to wake up Trix and Tear so we can switch shifts.  However, I hear PrettyWitch call us.*

Prettywitch: Uh…Guys! You might wanna come see this.

Me:  Huh?  *I hurry up and get over there.*

Tear: *I wake up and blearily look at the time in my phone’s screen before shoving at Trix next to me* I think that’s our cue to change shifts… *I yawn and clamber out of my sleeping bag, instantly missing its warmth*

Trix: “Please tell me that nothing has happened.”

PrettyWitch: Well, that’s what I’d love to tell but, um…Yeah… *She holds the camera to Steward so she can see the footage.*

*I look at the camera feed and my expression gets more and more shocked as I watch.*

Me (quietly):  Oh shit…That’s not good.  That is REALLY not good…

*I try to text Stephen again.  Though I know that it most likely won’t work.  It certainly hasn’t worked the other times I’ve tried.*

Me (text, to Stephen’s phone):  We have a problem.  If you ever get this message, please help.

*The same red exclamation point shows up as usual.  I curse under my breath.  Then, I look back at the camera.  There’s…something…staring right back at us.  It isn’t just looking at the bait or the camera.  It seems like the thing is looking directly at US.  The creature has a dog-like face with eerie, blank eyes.  Its frame appears to be a hunched-over humanoid with spines along its back.  Not to mention the long claws at the ends of thin, skeletal fingers.  There is an uncanny sort of intelligence in its gaze.  I can feel a chill running down my spine.*

Tear: *Peeking through the flap of our tent, I see you huddled over the phone and look back at Trix.* Looks like we did get something… *We move over closer so that we can look at the footage over PrettyWitch’s shoulders and my blood instantly chills* That, my loves, is no mangy dog…

Trix: Welp. That’s a big fat nope from me.

PrettyWitch: Yeah. Same.

Me (mouthing this silently at the group):  What the hell are we supposed to do now?  

*I take several screenshots to save as more evidence.  In the time that I do that and the files save, the creature has disappeared.  We hear a faint rustling near the camp.  It’s dead silent.  Now, not even the crickets are chirping.  I give the group a look.  I know EXACTLY what’s going on.  This is the very same silence that I encountered that day I was stalked by a mountain lion while hiking a few years back.  I know precisely what it’s doing.*

Trix (Absolutely about to have a panic attack): We let it have the goat blood and call park rangers to helicopter us the fuck out of here. That or we pull off a miracle and do Stephen things out of nowhere. 

*Since this isn’t any state or national parkland, we don’t have that option.  So, I quietly gather my friends close to me and clutch my machete tightly, ready to defend us if needed.  When I hear more rustling close by, I turn on a flashlight and aim it at the nearby scraggly shrubs in an effort to deter it.*

Me (growling):  Fuck.  Off.  *I’m in defensive mode right now.*

Tear: Nope, staring it down is not gonna work. *I grab at Steward’s shoulder and pull the entire group back into the tent before zipping the flap back closed.* We need lights and tons of music. Loud music. Make it believe there’s more of us here than there is and it won’t dare to approach.

Trix (actively sobbing): We better not be the next Blair Witch project or I am gonna haunt the shit out of all of you.

Tear: *I give Trix a small smile, as shaky as it is, trying to comfort her.* It might stalk around a bit, but Chupacabras have never attacked people before. Damn, it is ugly though.

PrettyWitch: Tell me about it!

Me (quickly to resolve the situation):  Okay.  Radios and phones on, people.  *I turn on the portable radio to blast some rock music.  “Helter Skelter” by The Beatles blares from the speakers.*

*Trix is still sobbing but follows the instructions.*

Tear: *I open Spotify and set up a podcast before moving our belongings into vaguely shaped lumps to cast shadows over the tent walls* Different voices means more people, right? If any humans come to ask, we just thought it was a good idea to bring booze to our research trip.

Me (pretend whining, though just to add to the noise and make it sound like we’re a group of research students):  Guys…Our PI is gonna kill us!  We gotta keep it down!  *I’m playing along while also watching for any signs of more trouble.  Meanwhile, I help Tear move a few more items to make more convincing silhouettes.*

Tear: Has it looped back to any of the cameras yet?

*PrettyWitch checks the cameras, the tension still high.*

PrettyWitch: *Shakes her head*  Doesn’t look like it.

Tear: Shoot, it must still be over on this side then… *I take in the inside of our tent* Trix, the flap on the window next to you keeps coming off the velcro. Can you keep it fixed somehow?

*Trix tries to help but is shaking a bit too much to keep a hold of things. As she digs through our supplies for some tape, she drops her flashlight and it startles her for a moment before she picks it up. She looks up to find the Chupacabra staring at her through the uncovered slit of the mesh window. It is sitting less than a foot away, close enough that our light reflects off its white eyes. Its sharp teeth are on full display due to what we can now see is a terrifying lack of lips. Trix screams.*

***To be continued***

[writesology]

A super angsty idea for a story I have, but will probably never get around to writing (though if anyone wants to put it into proper words, by all means, go ahead!) For this to happen, though, we need to pretend that chapter 48 of Life in Dreamland (Nova's Blessing) does not exist. That being said, enjoy!

TW: Character death

Ok so some people HC Meta as Nightmare's rogue demon (which I do as well).

And Nightmare occasionally tries to take over Meta's body to wreak havoc in Dreamland.

Usually it fails, but what would've happened if one time, just once, it succeeded?

So cue Meta going on a rampage through Dreamland because Nightmare has taken control of his body (this gets really long, rest will be below the cut)

Nightmare's gotten rid of Galaxia and is using a regular sword instead. Without Galaxia, Meta has no chance of regaining control of his own body.

Dedede, Bandee, and Kirby are meeting to discuss what to do about Meta, cause they obviously can't just leave him to wreck Dreamland.

Bandee brings up the idea of killing Meta, to which Dedede adamantly refuses.

Dedede thinks that he can drive Nightmare off with Galaxia's help, so he picks up the sword and heads off to where Meta's been sighted.

So there he goes, Meta's there as the reports said, and Dedede tries to get Meta to hold on to Galaxia so Nightmare can be pushed out.

Unfortunately, Nightmare knows what's trying to happen and though Meta's fighting his influence, he can't actually hold on to Galaxia.

Meta's arm is just sorta stuck in limbo, trying to reach for Galaxia but at the same time getting pulled back.

Nightmare ends up winning, and Meta claws Dedede's face before flying off.

Dedede, despite all of that, still believes Meta's in there

So off he goes again to try and capture Meta and force him to hold Galaxia.

The king successfully captures Meta, but no matter how he's tied up, the rogue knight won't hold Galaxia, and he ends up escaping in the middle of the night.

After Kirby is attacked by the possessed knight, Dedede reluctantly admits that yes, they may need to kill him, but if they're going to, he wants to be the one to do it.

Bandee explains that Galaxia is the only thing that can purge Nightmare, so again off Dedede goes to Meta's latest sighting.

They battle for a while, and though Dedede has never used a sword before, he's somehow still able to put up a fight against his one and only knight (cough cough because of Galaxia).

After slicing Meta's mask in half, Nightmare is dazed enough to the point where Dedede can pin Meta down.

Meta says that he never wanted to hurt anyone, and that he's really scared and really sorry for hurting everyone.

Dedede's on the verge of tears at this point-

Despite that, he still comforts Meta, saying that it's going to be alright and brings him into a hug.

Then with shaking hands, he picks up Galaxia and stabs the puff through the back.

Nightmare is purged out of Meta's body, but now he is dying

They're much too far from the castle to get medical help, and ever since Meta started rampaging, people just evacuated and didn't look back, so no one's around to help either.

Dedede's sobbing and crying, profusely apologizing to Meta and wishing that it's just a dream (it's not).

The knight forgives the king for stabbing him, since he won't cause any more harm to any more people, and though Meta might've forgiven him, Dedede can't forgive himself.

Meta tells Dedede to let it go and know that he did the right thing, to which the penguin screams "i just stabbed you!! how is that the right thing!!"

Even though Meta is dying, he manages to convince Dedede that yes, it's okay, I forgive you, we'll meet again soon, and that he still loves the king very much.

Dedede's just able to kiss his cheek and whisper "I love you too" before Meta smiles slightly (a ghost of his usual one) and dies, and the king is stuck in a barren wasteland with his knight's limp body.

Which he does not like, so while he's still sobbing and grieving, he slowly takes Meta back to the castle so he can be buried.

Back at said castle, Bandee is preparing Meta to be buried, and brings up that they'll need to bring out the ceremonial armor to bury him in.

Dedede, who's been supervising the process, refuses, saying that Meta never put it on anyway and that he hated wearing it, so he'll just find a set of his usual armor and that's what they'll bury him in.

The king also adds that it'd feel more natural, seeing Meta the way he usually was and not in some fancy armor he hardly wore.

(Cue the funeral scene, which I gloss over both here and in my mind)

Dedede makes a speech at the funeral, obviously, and it's a pretty small thing with just the king, Bandee, Kirby, and the Halberd crew.

Cut to a couple years later, Galaxia has been stuck in the ground next to Meta's grave, and Dedede visits a lot, often with flowers or Meta's favorite kind of chocolate.

One day, he holds a conversation with Galaxia, puts the flowers and box of chocolate there, says a few things to Meta, then leaves.

His dream that night is one where Dedede is at the Fountain of Dreams, and Meta's spirit comes down to visit.

They waltz, bantering just like they used to, and though Dedede wakes up in tears, he has a smile on his face for the rest of the day.

[seven-oomen]

Hi, Ben!  Hope you had a good day, and are finally getting some rest!  So, did you know there are sites that let you design your own ugly Christmas sweaters?  May I present the one that Peter’s husbands get him for a party?  Except then the jokes on them because he won’t stop wearing it EVERYWHERE (at least I hope the image shows?  It saved in a different format on the site I used for this.)  Also, if you were ever to actually make a shirt of it, I would suggest an image from the reaction GIF you used for the alignment/meta anon.  Because, my god, that smirk.  XD  (Also, they are totally right.  And it is hilarious to me that the two officers of the law are firmly [and accurately] on the neutral side of that axis.  XD )

And I’m still screaming over that latest preview.  He just wants cuddles and ear scritches, Noah!  The saliva will dry, he’s just showing his appreciation for your support.  XD  And oh, yeah I knew he would eventually get better, it was more me trying to decide how quickly I was hoping for it to happen.  My “I want it asap because I hate seeing them in pain” side was warring with my “but nightmare creature cuddles would be adorbs, tho?” side (and they are).  :D  Also, terrible thought brought on by working at my job too long: since I don’t think that form has a tail like a wolf (I don’t really remember noticing one, at least?), do you think that since he can’t wag, he starts doing the wiggle-butt thing like boxers and pits tend to do?  (sorry, the thought occurred to me and I couldn’t make it stop.  XD )

Also, how dare you put the image of Noah and Chris cuddling in the window seat watching the snow fall while the listen to Peter singing ‘Hallelujah’ as he finishes the dishes, in my head?  Or them sitting at the table having coffee and joining him for the choruses?  Or Chris singing along with Tony Bennett or Harry Connick Jr on the local Christmas station?  Or Noah singing along with Chris Cornell’s version of Ave Maria (or doing a damn good impression at least [song is available on Spotify, btw, if you’ve not heard it])?  My body was not meant to hold this level of feral screaming, dude.  XD

For the undecided alignment (that don’t involve spoilers), I would vote LN for Danny and CG for John.  No specific reasons, that’s just what feels right at the moment.  And I’m curious if Noah and the kids have been in the vault at all, because Malia would be able to access it.

And, yes, I am all for mutual body positivity support among the boys.  I remember watching some BTS thing a few years back, and Linden said something about how everyone was “running around without their shirts on, and I just feel kinda old and jiggly”, and my very first thought was “Oh, please.  You may not be I’ve-had-nothing-but-chicken-for-a-week-and-haven’t-had-liquids-in-three-days ripped like the other guys, but in no way will you ever convince me you are actually out of shape in the slightest."  Also, I’m just picturing a scene where Noah accidentally(/on purpose…?) looms over Chris, who just has this moment of "oh, yeah, that’s right, you’re tall now” immediately followed by “well, I am learning a number of new things about myself right now"  XD  On a related note, how do you think he feels about dip kisses after realizing this?  Although, I do hope Noah does not sweep Chris off his feet in quite the same way Chris keeps doing to him.  XD

On an unrelated note, that post about Artoo and Luke about killed me dead.  XD  Artoo’s propensity for shenanigans and Luke’s pervading issues with impulse control is just a complete recipe for hilarious disaster and total ride-or-die besties.  It also reminded me of the post about how Rogue One leads into New Hope and Leia straight up lying right to her dad’s face.  Which, while hysterical, also makes me think about how many posts I see about how Leia is very much her father’s daughter, but almost never see any that point out how much Luke is his mother’s son.  I just have a LOT OF FEELINGS about this, okay?  But I will contain that rant.  XD  (Star Wars has been an on-again-off-again love for me since I was 9.  It’s pretty much a guaranteed way to get an emotional response out of me.  XD )

And I’m glad Mo doesn’t bother the tree or anything, though the box thing is pretty funny.  But he does seem to have that very cat-like tendency to want to completely block you from accessing the keyboard or pin you in place because he’s laying on you and you don’t want to disturb him, so I think he’s catting just fine.  XD  I mean, I have some friends who one of their cats is immune to scruffing (the downside of this is that he’s also almost completely feral still [he was a stray that stayed], and at one point he got a UTI and needed antibiotics.  I’m pretty sure my friend had to get like a falconing glove or something to get his pills in him.  XD )

That America being huge vs Europe being old thing also made me laugh because there was the section about the "long bus ride” that was like two hours, and all I could think about was how often we drove four hours both ways to visit my grandparents, and how in high school we took a trip to Canada, and I don’t remember the exact length of the bus ride up, but I know it was between twenty-three and twenty-eight hours.

And I hope you’re enjoying the Spiderman game, or will when you get to it!  As best I recall, everyone I know who has played it has had nothing but good things to say about it.  And wow, I’m rambling again.  Oh well.  Anyway, hope you’re doing well, and sending lots of good energy for finishing the chapter to your satisfaction (I know the readers certainly don’t mind the longer chapters.  :D )  Take care!  *Hugs!*

Oh my god I am absolutely in love with that sweater. Why is this not a thing XD 

And yeah, they definitely gift Peter a sweater like that, lbr. No other way about it. It definitely backfires when Peter wears it every single year and to everywhere. Including PT meetings and the parent/school board meetings? I forgot the American word for it, in Dutch we call it ouderraad. I know we talked about them before where Peter starts a war with the ‘Karen’ and completely wrecks her. And how all the other moms fall in love with the three DILFS.

But yeah, wears it everywhere and every year XD. 

Noah’s deputies, including Jordan, have definitely snapped pictures and post them on every computer desktop in the station. Including pictures of Noah’s reaction faces of that sweater.

Because you cannot convince me, that a bunch of cops, would not be dicks about this.

Chris is infinitely grateful that he does not have coworkers like that.

And god that is rather good smirk to go with that line XD. And yeah I guess it is funny. But it’s also true and that’s wow... XD 

I did a character alignment test for Peter and came out on CN so that is what I’m going to stick with in any itteration for him. 

As for the wiggle butt thing, he does not have a tail and I already had a very lengthy inner discussion with myself before getting this ask and I can tell you, he does wiggle butt like a boxer in this form. Imagine a fucking beast like that just wiggle butting with happiness. The image is so bizarre that I had to include it in the full moon chapter.

Chris is definitely learning a number of things about himself when he figures out Noah can now loom over him and press him against walls. Also Chris has a thing for being bound or pressed against objects and when Noah figures that one out, well, let’s say Peter certainly doesn’t mind watching those moments.

There’s also a revelation when Chris says; I can easily get out of these handcuffs and Noah translates it too; Good, that means that as long as you don’t try to, you’re consenting to whatever I’m doing to you. Deal? To which Chris, enthusiastically agrees. It’s a very fun game. Peter disagrees because they tend to lock him out during the games with some ash, although he is invited back in after they’re done and then the attention of two Omegas is fully on him. So I suppose he doesn’t mind too much.

Something that is both funny and sweet though is that through Ben, Noah discovers how much he misses having little kids running around. And he has a few moments of; oh god I want another kid realizations in this chapter.

Of course, considering their situation this isn’t the time and Noah more than realizes that. But it gets conversations about the future going for all three of them.

Oh and to answer your question, Malia has not been to the vault, but she and her siblings will get to see it. If that’s with dad or with Derek I haven’t decided yet. But they will end up at the vault in this story. Gotta get Peter’s necklace back.

So far I’ve had a bit of a rough day but by answering this and focusing on headcanons, and that freaking sweater!!!!, I feel a bit better. So thank you my friend, this helped me a lot <3. 

And I agree, Leia is just like her father but Luke is all Padme and people don’t talk about that enough. <3

Lots of Love from me and Mo!

[divagonzo]

I am reading you new story Beloved. In the latest chapter, I don't understand the hostility between Hermione and Jones. Did you have another story where there back story or history is explained. Thank You.

Mornin’ Nonnie. Coffee is brewed in the kitchen.

TL;DR answer: - Read Ch. 16 of Ron Weasley Chronicles.

Long answer under the cut below because it’s long and spoilerish for Beloved and other fics in my entire Nicheverse.

Hemera Octavia Jones is an OC of mine. She’s s statuesque at 1.85M, dark brown skin, unapolgetic in being cometent to the point of arrogance, unabashedly Bisexual (*in a relationship with Aurora Sinestra, Astronomy Prof at Hogwarts, whom she met when she was DADA professor in the 1998-1999 post-war term), best friends with Kingsley Shacklebolt (even if she is a few years younger), cousin to Hesetia and Gwenog Jones, and 1983 graduate of Hogwarts (Hufflepuff House)

She’s much like how Okoye is written for the film adaptation of Black Panter - but that was purely accidental on my part, considering I’ve not yet watched it and wrote Jones before the movie came out (nor have I read the first comic.)

I wanted someone who was a force of nature and much a foil for Hermione, like another wing of the same bird with similar goals.

She started in the program right out of Hogwarts, having Gawain Robards and Kingsley Shacklebolt as Seniors (and later, Moody, too, before he retired.)

Her first and only year at Hogwarts (which is in a half-written Yr 8 fic focusing on the friendship of Hermione, Ginny, and Luna while the guys are off being Aurors) was wrought with problems, most of them caused by Hermione Granger. Jones, though, also saw so many of Hermione’s weak moments, the ones where she lost her temper, had PTSD flashbacks, nightmares, and other mental health problems. Admittedly, Jones also protected Hermione, sometimes from herself, and from additional scrutiny from others and outside influences, so she would have a chance.

Hermione never realizes that until much, much later on.

(This is also when we get a better introduction to Audrey Reeves (who is later Audrey Weasley but that’s not what you asked.)

Jones and Hermione knock sparks and will for a very, very long time. Hermione can’t drop the grudge from that first year and Jones takes great pleasure in antagonizing her, because Hermione is so passionate but it’s also a weakness because others can possibly control her by being emotional. (Yes, I realize it’s a toxic trope idea and anti-feminist but it’s also something that women get from other women sometimes, myself included. Thus, while problematic, it’s also realistic.)

But here is the ultimate relavant section from Ch. 16 for you:

“Go on. I’m listening. I figure that after the last coupleof days, I should listen to my mistakes so I can learn from them. You’ll alsonot sugar coat anything for my benefit.”

Hermione leaned against the door. “I don’t know where yougot the idea that we’d be friends from the first day. I don’t know why youpresumed that I would be so open and trusting with someone I didn’t know. Noteven Professor McGonagall can force that. But,” Hermione stopped and she sawHemera nodding, “But when you were teaching us, you were so bloody mental. Youdidn’t listen to anything the survivors were telling you. Because you are anAuror, you taught the class like no one else had gone through anything worsethan taking our OWLs. Everyone in your classroomof seventh-year students had been throughhell, one way or another. Yet you treated us like first years that didn’tdeserve to be out from our Mum’s apron strings.”

“I had a task, Granger. The Minister wanted you in the AurorCorps and we needed the help. He thought you would be an amazing asset. I wasalso there to see if anyone else had the aptitude for it. When you’re down to12 Aurors from 100 because of the culling and the Coup, you take what mightwork.”

Hemera winced while shifting in her bed. “But there wassomething else, something personal. Ron let it slip that you attacked him onetime, with magic. He explained what happenedwhen he was first assigned to me as a trainee. He tried to say he wasresponsible for it, and I know that’s bullshit. But it caused a huge problem.Do you want to know what that was, and what happened as a result?” Hemera’seyes flashed. “No matter how hard I worked him, insulted him, belittled him, orhumiliated him, he wouldn’t raise his wand against me. An Auror who won’tdefend himself is useless to me and will probably get a whole team killed. Nomatter what I did to him, he wouldn’t raise his wand against me. He’d have noproblems with the other Seniors in training. Butme, a woman? He said he couldn’t do it, ‘cause of what you did to him.

“Do you know how bloody long it took me to re-train Ronafter that incident? It took a month of daily training; a month of wasted time,all because you got shirty he went and kissed another girl ‘cause you couldn’tpull your finger out and tell the bloke you fancied him.”

“I couldn’t afford to lose him as my best friend!” Hermioneyelled. She looked and saw Harry roll over in his bed and Ron shift but wentback to snoring. “I didn’t know and you never said.”

“I was too busy fixing your mistakes, mistakes you neverbother to apologize for. Hell, even I can say I’m sorry and I’m as much of an arseholeas anyone. But you? Ron casually mentions off-hand that he has to back downwhile rowing with you, and apologize anytime that you think he’s wrong.  The fewtimes he’s stood up to you and tried to tell you when he’s feeling less thanstellar you bite his bloody head off. Fuck, he has zero pride when it comes tostanding up for himself, because you and Potter never once tell him that he isright about something.”

“That’s impossible. Ron never backs down from a fight,especially with me.”

“Isn’t it? You weren’t there seeing him constantly beingknocked on his arse because he wouldn’t raise his wand in self-defense. Whensomeone you love attacks you with magic it is a hard betrayal to overcome. Butsomehow he did but the consequences held him back until he pulled his head outof his arse and raised his wand to me and fought back like you finally did. It took me dropping my wand and tellinghim that he either raise his wand to me and fight back or I would personallykick his arse out of the program. I berated him in front of everyone andbelittled him to the point he slugged me before walking out.”

“Good for him,” Hermione muttered. “I would have loved toslug you myself some of those days.”

“Things would have gone swimmingly for you had you tried,Granger. You might have gotten over your fear and made something of yourself,for the Auror corps.”

Jones had a secondary task: recruiting for the Aurors post-war. Hermione was who they wanted, just as much as Ron and Neville and Harry. But her post-war time (years, really) was filled with much mental health distress, such as ptsd, anxiety, sleep deprivation from nightmares, and a short-term sleeping draught potion addiction (where sleep was vital but also a co-morbidity to depression, too.)

They knock sparks but Jones also had to re-train Ron to be who he needed to be, as an Auror. While Viv has mentioned in her public and private meta that Ron needs praise and encouragement and positive support, Jones didn’t know that and didn’t do such until after he would be willing to stand up for himself. Once he did/does, the relationship changes for the better, even if it appears to be negative.

For the relationship with Ron, it’s about self-respect. Once he has that, Jones can respect him too, even if she disagrees. Admittedly, that’s one of my not-necessarily positive traits. O_O

So when I write this, it’s a case of breaking a bad habit and rebuilding a new one. When you break someone, it’s your personal responsibility to rebuild them. That takes patience, determination, and giving a (dung) about their welfare and well-being. That’s what Jones did here - which Hermione never realized that it was for his own safety and benefit.

Yes Ron is soft-hearted and so caring but he had a job he wanted to do and was incapable of doing it if he wouldn’t stand up for himself and others. Once he decided to do such, his career took off.

It’s only years later that she sees Ron and Harry as peers, along with Hermione, but it’s that she has trust issues and can’t get too close because Aurors get injured, maimed, and killed in their profession. Once she realizes that she can get close to them, as a peer and as a friend later on, the relationship blooms for everyone, including Hermione.

So nonnie, if you read this far, congratulations. Now you know why Auror Hemera Jones is vital in  my nicheverse.

[nny11writes]

Declarations, Mental Health, and Other Things You Never Asked Me to Explain About Myself but I’m Gonna Anyways

Ok, it's been almost a year since my last update on this and I wanted to explain myself a bit? And also share my story a bit??? 

This is all personal stuff so no need to read if you can’t handle it right now or don’t want to handle it. You’re not obligated to, but I felt it was important to share all this.

Here’s hoping the “Keep Reading” link works!

cw: anxiety, depression, mental health, suicidal ideation, nightmares

SO. Last year I had been working in a hostile working environment under an abusive supervisor for 2 years. One of the things I had done a right before I got that job (and was unemployed, depressed, and heavily suicidal) was I picked up writing fanfiction again. I had been in about a two or three year dry spell where I was writing fanfiction but never posting. Just writing it for me. And then I'd unceremoniously dropped all after posting a Mass Effect fic that had great response/reviews. Because the pressure was too much for me.

I found SW: TCW while unemployed and desperately seeking something to help lift my spirits and distract me from my known but untreated mental health. I wanted VERY desperately to find something enjoyable in life again. I was literally only alive because I was afraid of where my cat would be placed when I died. I kept seeing interesting meta posts from MyLordShesaCactus and AlexKablob about someone called Barriss Offee and someone called Ahsoka Tano. Deciding that I had literally nothing to lose I gave the show a watch.

It was a lifeline. During a time where I regularly had nightmares of being a robot that was torn apart and decommissioned, or dreams where I'd barely nick myself and suddenly start bleeding out, SW TCW became an obsession. I was years too late to the fandom but I still found active people and love for this girl who was a little Too Much and a little Too Pushy and a little Too Scared to Fail. Ahsoka hits all my bingo slots for characters I project heavily onto. And soon enough my nightmares, while still consistent, were no longer a given. Sometimes I dreamed about star wars instead. The first time I had a dream where I WAS Ahsoka Tano I woke up and cried because I'd felt so good.

Then I got hired in what I thought was a life affirming and saving way, and instead was shoved into a different kind of hell. I became so depressed that first year that I self harmed by starving myself and denying myself sleep. Which, of course, makes it worse. I started writing "Twilight" as a way to cope with my increasing intrusive thoughts about suicide and physical self harm. Then it became a way to deal with intrusive thoughts about wanting to harm others. I needed an outlet and was denying that I need medication to manage my mental health.

I didn’t expect anyone to read it and like it. I thought people would hate it. Because it was awful because I’m awful, and therefore nothing I did could be good.

But people did like it. A lot.

Then I was escorted to Psychiatric Emergency Services because I wanted to kill myself on the job. The whole episode is a little weird in my mind, time warped a bit and I remember crying nonstop and being unable to stop shouting, but when I look back what I remember most is feeling completely calm. Calm and soft and light. I think that was due to me finally verbalizing my thoughts and seeing that others did care. That I wasn’t some worthless pest to them. When I got to PES enough time passed that I got my panic attack under control, and when a psychiatrist finally saw me I downplayed the whole incident out of fear I was going to be institutionalized. I was scared as fuck in my little temp room in my little plastic chair staring at my hospital band and desperately hoping that none of the other people there would talk to me. So when I saw professionals I lied. I got a doctor’s note to stay out of work for two days and went home.

I finally had to admit to myself that I was not doing well. I was not handling my anxiety or depression. I was not ok and that it was ok to not be ok.

I was still scared to get professional help.

Instead, I spent that November participating in NaNoWriMo, where I wrote what would later become the first several chapters of “The Apprenticeship”. The first installment to the Close But No Cigar AU. I decided that I wanted and needed to write something that was happier. Ahsoka Tano made me happy and I wanted to do something good, anything good (for once in my fucking life). And convinced that I’d never done a good thing and never could, I decided to do a good thing first for a fictional character. So in I went to a story where Ahsoka Tano was an anxious wreck of a person, but had support and help and love. Into a world where Anakin Skywalker got the sort of help he needed. A place where they could all still meet and be friends and be family. Not somewhere with no pain, but somewhere softer.

The next month I finally got a PCP, and at the ass crack of 2017 I finally got medicated again.

I had already posted the first chapter of The Apprenticeship and energized by the meds and the reviews I got hard to work on finishing that story.

Funny thing about medicine, it’s a hassle and often the first thing you take is a unique struggle that requires adjustment. My first medication seemed great! For about two weeks! Then I developed a hand tremor so serious I couldn’t feed myself. That night I seriously struggled to not drive my car into the oncoming traffic lane and avoided all bridges on my way home from work. What I took helped my depressive symptoms but made my anxiety worse. The hand tremor was also a serious and rare side effect. The next day I was off that medicine and on a new one along with gabapentin to help the tremors.

Writing was difficult as fuck with my fingers shaking and twitching on the keyboard but I needed it as much as my medicine.

The new stuff worked out much better for me, we tweaked the dosage and I’m still on it. I’m glad to be on it!

Let’s do a little time skip shall we? That summer, a year after my experience at PES, I started writing Declarations. I wanted to see more Ahsoka & Obi-Wan content. They seemed like two people who should be close friends, have more of a father-daughter relationship, and general be together more than they were on screen. I found the idea of two Temple raised Jedi, who seem to break a bit from the mold and thinking of the Order, exploring their feelings for one another to be fascinating. I quickly realized that it would work really well to show that they are both mentally ill as well. I don’t like the term “mental illness” but it is accurate so I use it.

So I seeded it in from the start. I wanted to have two good people with anxiety and depression and PTSD and who knows what else find each other and help each other out! I wanted Ahsoka and Obi-Wan to be happy damn it!

So I started writing the story I wanted to see.

And unwittingly did what I had already been doing, pouring my own personal self into the story.

I’m not saying that putting some of yourself into your writing is bad, it really isn’t! Writing can be an amazing tool to explore your own experiences and sort your own feelings. I had been using it for over a year at that point to help cope with my own awful experiences, many of which I was still having to live with and through.

What happened for me is that I put a little too much of myself into this story. At the same time I was doing that my supervisor had gotten even stranger and in some ways worse. I didn’t have daily dread of being fired but I still had daily dread over who I would find when I arrived. My supervisor came in two flavors: Angry and Blaming, or Sweet and Frivolous. I still can’t decide if she was really just that abusive or if she also could use a helping hand in the mental health department. I really can’t. She did abuse me verbally and emotionally at work, she did gaslight me, she did scare me. I’m not saying that she wasn’t an abuser at all but I just don’t know if she was that way because she needs help too.

I hope she gets help if she needs it. But I’ll be grateful if I never have to see her again in my life.

Back to Declarations.

I put too much in and it had great reviews and lots of love, and I got very nervous and defensive over it. Too defensive and nervous over it. I really want to shout out to White_Ithiliel again, because she really helped me make this fic A LOT BETTER. Like, A LOT. Y’all don’t even realize what she has saved you from!! In the process she also has had to deal with my wild anxiety issues and defensiveness.

Seriously, thank you for everything you’ve done for this fic and your endless patience with me!

The latest chapter I wrote in the spring of 2018, we started going back and forth with edits in the summer, and then I panicked over a good question and point she made. She wrote back and I very nervously peeked at her cropped response (the “show less” version) sometime around October 2018. My abusive supervisor had left but I had been asked to work with/under another lady who wasn’t not my supervisor. She was almost equally bad in another direction for me. My anxiety spiked and my depression got terrible again around the time we were working on this chapter. I saw literally half a sentence and read it weirdly, panicked, had a good cry, and closed the document.

I literally haven’t been in the head space to look at it since then.

My best friend moved in with me that fall, but he’d just had a suicide attempt a few month before. My own mental health, as I mentioned, was plummeting. This past winter my depression got out of hand. I stopped going to my band practices, I nearly stopped writing, I was exhausted. The only reason I didn’t go back to eating poorly and treating myself like shit was because he was there, and just having someone be physically there who I knew cared about me made a huge difference. If I had popcorn for dinner too often, he’d make us a frozen pizza. If I drank too much (and I abused alcohol this past winter for sure), he was there to help me with the hangover and violent sickness. Thank god for my best friend! My suicidal ideation went up but I didn’t become suicidal. This was the first winter in almost a decade where I haven’t wanted to seriously kill myself at some point. I had flashes of it, moments where the bottom of the world dropped out but they lasted for minutes or hours instead of weeks and months.

I talk to him a lot about my fics and fandoms, and he very patiently listens and helps me work through it all. He lets me read him what I’ve written or what I’m reading if I think it’s funny, and we talked a lot about this chapter of Declarations and my reaction to a sincere question regarding its content and characterizations. He offered to look at the chapter with me and see what my editor/beta’s response had actually been versus what I was afraid it was.

I turned him down in November for that because I realized I needed space and time away from this particular fic. This story where I made myself into Ahsoka and Obi-Wan and Anakin, which I could no longer separate the fictional world I had created from the emotions I was feeling about my “real life”.

White_Ithiliel, I am so SO sorry I never responded. I know my silence was probably anxiety inducing too. I want to say again that you didn’t do anything wrong or rude or mean to me. I just wasn’t mentally in a place to be doing what I was doing, and needed to turn myself off and on again.

Today, after having a full week of writing and nearly daily updating fics I enjoy I realized that my life has changed since winter.

I am at a new job with wonderful people that I really enjoy. It pays better so I’m also less stressed about money. My benefits finally kick in today and I plan on getting me a therapist soon along with a new PCP. I’m doing alright. I’m doing better than I have in years.

A huge part of that is thanks to having people PM me here on tumblr and being so genuinely enthusiastic about the stories that I write. So here’s to you all for helping me through my funk over the years, giving me ideas, and giving me a damn good laugh! dontcallmebugaboo

thirdbroomstick

woeful-woods

bobkitten

Gabby(Kirasoka)

And of course ithiliel-the-french-tolkiendil (AKA White_Ithiliel)

Y’all have been life savers, maybe even more so than I realized until I decided to write this whole crazy thing out!

Thanks to all of you, even those who just leave me a kudos or a like, I’ve been trucking along. Fandom has literally saved my life multiple times, and probably will again.

So today, feeling high on my new found writing powers, I finally went in and finished editing for the latest chapter of Declarations! Hell yeah me! :D

That said! I’m putting it on a formal hiatus!

I have the next chapter written (not edited) and several chapter ideas throw out on the page, but I also think I still need more time away from this story. I want to finish Declarations (y’all don’t understand how BADLY I WANT TO FINISH IT), but I also know that right now, where we are, we are literally on SEASON ONE, EPISODE 2.

Legit the next chapter takes place after the malevolence (AKA Episode 2 of season 1).

And we are currently over 32k in.

This is gonna be a long ass haul fic everybody. I didn’t expect it to be, I didn’t mean it to be, I wasn’t planning on it. I meant for it to be maybe 10 chapters and be super vague about the timeline.

But I think I’m just as much in love with this story as a lot of you are and dang it I want more! That means I have to write more, and that means I need to give myself space to actually be approaching it as a story.

And not as something I wish was happening in my life.

To anyone still reading, thank you, this thing was long than some of the stories I’ve written! But I wanted to share this. Yes, to explain why Declarations is currently in carbonite. But more importantly to talk about mental health.

Mental health fucking sucks my dudes. It’s hard and it’s messy and sometimes it comes out of nowhere and then leaves after eating your favorite snacks and cold clocking you at 3 AM.

I’ve been on a hell of a journey.

And a lot of you are too.

I’m not “tumblr famous” and I don’t think I’m any sort of well known fandom writer. But There’s enough of you out there that I wanted to post this in case you need to know that you’re not alone out there.

If any of you EVER need to talk, please shoot me a message! I’m legit down to talk about my fics, about your fics, about meta, theories, characters, what ifs, AU’s, etc. I’m ALSO legit down to talk about mental health and all the messy things that come with that. If you want to chat with someone about your fears, your ideation, your intrusive thoughts, HIT ME UP!

You’ve all been here for me, even though you didn’t know it.

I’d like to return that favor. So anytime, anyplace, please hit me up. I promise, nothing you’ve done is unacceptable or beyond the line. 

After all, in case you’d like a breakdown of the way I had a breakdown this last year, in the span of 10 hours I literally: 

Accidentally self inserted myself into a fic and didn’t realize it until asked about why characters were acting that way, got angry over someone not knowing what I didn’t even know especially when it wasn’t explicit, then immediately felt like the Worst Person ever for getting mad and anxious, went home and cried ugly sobs on my cat, debated if I deserved to live before immediately deciding that DUH OF COURSE I DO, but that I was just a sad sack and everyone knew it, ate one single can of vienna sausage directly out of the can for dinner, washed it down with waaaay too much box wine, cried again about fictional characters because I had “ruined” them, asked my best friend (drunkenly mind you) if I was a good person because I thought I was secretly the worst and a manipulator b/c I self inserted myself into my own fanfiction, and then spent the next 6 months or so anxiously opening and closing my google doc in fear of What I Might Learn About Myself or worse the discovery that I Had Been A Bad Person b/c I stated my thought process out clearly but obviously that’s just “mean” to do because I am a bad and can’t not do mean or something! 

Like...I get why I did it but fucks sake me. It took a lot of broken logic to get there. Looking back I don’t know how I did that actually. This is a self call out. I am @ing myself.

So, yeah.

Not sure how to end this. So...uh, feel free to talk to me if you want to!

[pigballoon]

The Ballad of Buster Scruggs

(Joel & Ethan Coen, 2018)

Returning two years on from the fairly underwhelming, and pretty quickly forgotten Hail Caesar, the Coen brothers return with a project whose format has been much talked about. Was it intended to originally be a 6 episode miniseries, or was it always going to be a movie? It doesn’t really matter either way, but having seen it I feel like some of these 6 segments might have been a chore in isolation, and work infinitely better as shorter parts of this larger whole.

Buster Scruggs, unlike their very traditional previous western, True Grit, runs the gamut of Coens styles from the sheer absurdity of stuff like Raising Arizona, and Burn After Reading, to the darker, doom laden, dread and melancholy of No Country For Old Men or Blood Simple, the traditionalist, throwback class of the aforementioned True Grit, or Hudsucker Proxy, or the existential nightmares they conjured up in things like A Serious Man and Inside Llewyn Davis, it’s all here, and unified the Coens have conjured up as fine a deconstruction of the western genre since Clint Eastwood’s Unforgiven over a quarter of a century ago.

To work through each section briefly, the titular Ballad of Buster Scruggs allows Tim Blake Nelson to cut loose in his own inimitable, and unforgettable way. It’s one of those pitch perfect marriages of actor and part that should earn damn near iconic status if enough people see it. The story he finds himself in the middle of (shout outs to Clancy Brown and David Krumholtz for playing their parts, however small) starts out outrageously amusing, and grows more and more absurd to the point of almost total idiocy. It’s blackly comic in the most black way, but so over the top it might prove off putting to many. Thankfully they have the good sense to keep it short enough that it never seriously outstays its welcome.

It’s followed by Near Algodones, another black comic work of absurdist madness, though slightly less outrageous than what comes before it (at least once Stephen Root finishes damn near stealing the whole movie), a little gentler in its tone, it’s ultimately no less bleak in its outlook, no less concerned with violence and death, it gives a nice little role to Ralph Ineson, and provides James Franco an opportunity to be as down to earth and natural as he may ever have been on screen. 

These first two segments are probably the two that most define what I was talking about when I said that some of these episodes may have been a little much to stomach in isolation, so crazy are they both. Yet with the end of Near Algodones the movie entirely turns itself on its head. 

In Meal Ticket, Liam Neeson, and Harry Potter’s now unrecognizable Harry Melling inject absurd amounts of melancholy into the most abstract segment in the movie. Told primarily through a sequence of very short scenes, with minimal use of much dialogue beyond the relatively incidental, the brothers and their two mournful performers craft a story less specific to the old west, more timeless and universal. It’s a mood piece of sorts, built around visuals and actions, asking the viewer to piece together the fragments they see, and infer meaning, and work their own way towards the conclusion, every bit as bleak as the finales of the stories that came before it.

After this comes the closest the movie can provide to respite. The Tom Waits led All Gold Canyon perhaps tonally could have come before Meal Ticket in the movies descent from dream into nightmare, but placed here breaks up the darkness of the movies second half a little bit. It’s another segment reliant more on action, with most of the dialogue proving on the incidental side. At the heart of it Waits is magnificent, it’s always nice to see him back on screen, and aided by the gorgeous photography of Bruno Delbonnel, now in his third collaboration with the brothers, this is maybe the most purely watchable chapter of the film.

It’s followed by another more traditional piece of work, in The Girl Who Got Rattled, with Zoe Kazan leading the way, aided by a terrific couple of performances from Bill Heck, and Grainger Hines. It’s the longest segment of the movie, along with the previous the most straightforward one, and the one with the closest thing to a proper arc, the one that feels the most like it could (again, probably in conjunction with All Gold Canyon) stand as a story in its own right. Heck and Kazan are a winning duo, and just when it starts to threaten to drag compared to what has come before, Hines steps up and elevates the final act at the centre of a sequence that needs someone special to make it work.

Finally comes the comparative chamber piece, The Mortal Remains. Shooting it in a studio where the rest was shot on locations may have been a practical choice rather than a creative one, but it adds to the movies meta qualities significantly, gone are the wide open plains, and in its place something that feels like a cross between the opening act of The Hateful Eight (the amount of talking in this segment would drive QT wild) and something out of Coppola’s Dracula. The oddballs in the carriage, the darkness and fog that surrounds them, the whole thing is unsettlingly off kilter, its another No Country For Old Men trick where the brothers sort of bring their film screeching to a halt at the last to force you to think a little bit more.about what you’re seeing. The quintet of performers, the great Tyne Daly and Brendan Gleeson, Jonjo O’Neill who finds himself gifted with the monologue of a lifetime, (speaking of Unforgiven) Saul Rubinek, and veteran Chelcie Ross, who is another of the movies show stealers, all bounce brilliantly off one another, off set each other, and keep this nightmare grounded to some degree in reality, a long way from the pure artifice in which The Ballad of Buster Scruggs began a couple of hours prior.

For all of its comic absurdity, and the storybook gimmick that strings the whole thing together, Buster Scruggs is a movie in which in spite of dabbling in generally pretty accessible, crowd pleasing or skin crawling storytelling, the Coens are able simply through structure, and their unmatched handle of tone to probe deeper into what they really want to explore. From the varying explorations of violence and preoccupation with death in all its complexities, to the use of songs, and mixture of tones, the Coen brothers latest effort is filled to the brim with all kinds of details that should reward repeated viewings. It’s a magic trick of a movie only the best can pull off, basically very light on its feet as a viewing experience, but enriched by a staggering amount of depth to be explored, and open up your understanding of what they’re going for just as they shrink their world, and box you in.

[greyliliy]

You also have a tendency to write Katsuki as a deer in the headlights or suffer emotion induced paralysis/stupidity/recklessness which works for your plots. Usually by the time that comes up you have written him into a state where that response is believable. Path to Villainy/early Villainy featured glimmers of intelligent, competent and cautious Katsuki, but recent stories and updates he seems to have lost his brain which is a shame because his intelligence would make him more of a challenge-

- for your villain Izukus. Canonically his emotional immaturity does compromise his intelligence and in One exception there is very good reason why he’s compromised, so I see why you write him like you do. 

However, is it because you do see him a little stupid that you tend him write him this way, or is having two intellects/tactians against each other difficult to write that you need to nerf one or is it just so he is vulnerable in a way that Izuku can win.

I hope this is not read as me getting at you. I am more curious about your process as a writer and challenges when writing the plots and characters as well as this emerging trend. Is it so you can keep the stories reasonably short? Is it because you don’t see the character as intelligent or is it just how you characterize Villain Izuku is so much smarter or his will so much greater that Katsuki’s comparative intelligence is barely a factor.

I am asking because I think your a greater writer and care about your thoughts but if this upsets you and you don’t want to answer, that is perfectly reasonable and I’ll apologize in advance.

[I only jumped in your ask box because you showed self awareness about Izuku and this trend with Katsuki is something I noticed in your stories and was interested in but I don’t want to put something that looks negative in your comments so I just leave kudos in AO3.]

Yo! Oh man. I saw this an hour ago and was upset I wasn’t someplace I could answer. I love attention and I could ramble about my fanfiction and the headcanons behind it all day if you let me (If any of you want to hit me up on Skype or Discord to talk fic meta I’m here. Just sayin’). Ha ha. So this was awesome to see and I’m gonna’ just drop an essay in your lap because I can. :D

My next thought was “Ah yes. That lovely thing happened where what an author intends doesn’t always make it to the page, which is why for all my original writing I try to have a beta reader” followed immediately by “This is karmic retribution for giving Harry such a hard time in his fifth book when I read it with absolutely zero thought or awareness given to his mental state.”

It’s my turn on the other side. Ha ha ha. XD Anyway this is a super long post so I’m just gonna smack a cut right here~

I guess I’ll start with saying that fanfiction is a fun, self-indulgent thing for me so I am very guilty of exaggerating traits of characters that I like.

In the case of Izuku, I make him way thirstier for Katsuki than he actually is (for rule of funny & shipping purposes) and I like to play with his more selfish/greedy side such as Izuku specifically wanting to be the star hero that people look up to to make them smile/feel better/cheer, even if it was unreasonable because he was Quirkless etc. vs Just Helping People However He Can, even if it’s not in the limelight.

This sort of leads to writing an Izuku that wants Katsuki to see him specifically. A “I worked hard for this and became someone amazing so he should notice me.” attitude.

(I’m not saying this is a bad thing. Wanting to be a public role model & person people look up to is natural. But there is a fine line between genuinely wanting to help people, and wanting to do it for the fame & spotlight. Which is a much longer discussion. Canon Izuku is genuinely empathetic and cares about people and he’s definitely a Hero, but he’s also selfish, angry, and reckless and I like highlighting that second part of his character because it often gets ignored.)

Whereas for Katsuki, I like exaggerating his general lack of social awareness (he has a bad habit of not paying attention to the people around him; like not learning their names or not knowing his classmates Quirks at the Sports Festival), his misunderstandings of others due to his pride and his general insecurities (The entire “Deku was looking down on me” thing), and I like to headcanon a little bit of self-hatred and denial (Less in canon and more things I like to explore as ‘what-ifs’). Etc.

I also am very guilty of exaggerating how much he picked on Deku in middle school. In the canon, I honestly don’t think it was that bad. I think there was the one time he beat up Deku when they were tiny, and then the rest of it was a lot of Katsuki ignoring Izuku. Their interactions in the first episode seem like a special case due to Izuku being an open threat to Katsuki’s future (He was scared enough Izuku might actually make it in and ruin his “I’m the only one who got in” that he didn’t want him to even try). He was threatened and lashed out with harsh words that even his friends thought were “too much.”

But I admittedly like violent characters, so I tend to exaggerate Katsuki’s physical side. Heh.

However, one thing that I’ve never seen him as is stupid. Ignorant at times? Sure. But stupid? Never.

In fact, I had to laugh because I end up writing a lot of his “Deer in the headlight/Panic” moments very specifically because I think he’s a smart guy.

I like to write Katsuki as someone who does not understand & can’t wrap his head around why Izuku would like him. Katsuki remembers Middle School too and this “I totally forgave you the second you finished beating me up” just doesn’t make sense to him. Izuku is dropping Unconditional Love in his lap and he’s like “What is this? Who does that?”

Because I also like to headcanon that Katsuki is in constant denial that he likes Izuku. Because if he admits that, he has to admit to all the things he admires about Izuku that makes him special which leads to Katsuki admitting that Izuku is heroic in nature and kind and all the things he wants to be, which leads him down the jealousy/angry/frustrated route of insecurity so he just covers it up with “I hate him” - when it reality it’s a “I hate that I don’t hate him” if that makes any sense.

(Long story short, I like Katsuki as an emotional mess that doesn’t know what he wants or how to deal with himself which often leads to him making bad choices, whether it’s punching Izuku in the face or just flat out avoiding him.)

However, I can’t really think of anything I’ve written so far that makes Katsuki seem ignorant or stupid? Which makes me wonder what I missed.

I’ve tried very hard to keep most of his bad decisions be due to being overemotional and not thinking things through clearly. I wouldn’t call someone stupid or dumb for making rash decisions while they’re angry or upset. Heh.

OH. Or like. The latest chapter in Villainy. I’ve gotten a lot of comments that read along the lines of “Why was Katsuki so stupid to walk into a trap?” which confused me because I actually put in the effort this time around to set all that up.

(Spoilers for Villainy now if you haven’t read it. Also it’s a little long on the “This is why I did stuff” front…)

I’ve been planning Toga’s attack on Katsuki since Chapter 3. In chapter eight I made sure to add in a line that he’s got Mrs. Midoriya’s phone number in case she needs anything while his parents are out of Town. Katsuki was prepared to get a phone call or text from her asking for his help.

Toga saw that text exchange which is why she made her plan to Text Katsuki pretending to be Deku’s mom.

Why would Katsuki question that she needs a bookshelf put together? She’s a small, single woman and probably doesn’t have anyone else to call. Katsuki has no reason to think twice about it.

As for why he didn’t react to seeing “Izuku” there, one of the reasons Katsuki’s dreams have been such a big deal is because I wanted to highlight his mental state after Path to Villainy - he’s not in a good way. He is still seriously anxious and disturbed after watching Izuku try to kill Kirishima. Kirishima almost died. And he’s upset because he liked Izuku the entire time.

“Villainy” Katsuki has had a crush on Izuku since they were little and he feels guilty about it because of his behavior. He got a kick out of roughing Izuku up and he feels bad about it. He doesn’t think Izuku would want anything to do with him and then he finds out it’s the opposite so then he’s just guilty and confused and “I still like the guy who tried to murder my best friend” messed up.

Second, his dreams having been getting worse. Those dreams where I fooled the readers into thinking it was real? Did that on purpose. Because Katsuki’s having a hard time realizing when he’s in a dream at first, too. That’s why he’s been having intrusive Dream thoughts, too. Just to help blur that line a little.

I also made sure that only Dream!Izuku calls Katsuki “Katsuki” so that when Toga did it, he’d question whether he was awake or not.

Toga calling Katsuki “Stupid” was a callback to when she said “He’s not too bright is he?” at the theme park, and because she isn’t aware of Katsuki’s own internal issues or about all his “Make out with Deku” nightmares, she just thinks it’s dumb he’d make out with a guy who’s been trying to kidnap him.

Anyway, long story short, I don’t see anything Katsuki did in that situation as “Dumb” aside from maybe going by himself. Which is less “stupid” and more exactly the reason he gave in the text itself with a “I need some time alone doing something mindless like putting together a shelf” to get his thoughts together.

(End spoilers)

I hope that wasn’t too long. But I really can’t think of any other moments where he’s been particularly unintelligent?

I mean, there were a few moments were I exaggerated his social awkwardness for laughs (Like in One Exception, I’m pretty sure Canon!Katsuki would pick up that Kirishima was trying to play nice and be friends–like he did in Path to Villainy–but that story was so dark, I needed a little humor to balance it out), or had him act rashly from time to time for drama’s sake.

I guess overall I just sort of feel like Izuku and Katsuki are weak points for each other, so when they get involved they tend to act more recklessly and emotionally than they would in other situations, which I guess may come across as unintelligent as they make Bad Life Choices? XD

Anyway, I’m not sure if that answered your question or not but I’ve rambled enough. Ha ha.

Thanks for the asks!! :D

[xenosgirlvents]

Chaos versus Imperium (8th Edition Case Study)

So this is not a bad idea for establishing the tonal difference between how the two factions are presented.

At the outset I want to make clear that there will obviously be some exceptions, but that the existence of, say, Abaddon’s victory at Cadia does not in anyway mean that general trends don’t exist. Its a common enough argument I’ve run into, where one particular victory is consistently brought up as if its lone existence automatically negates the existence of any trend.

Anyway so, for this, I’m just doing a simple examination of the today’s releases; Chaos Space Marines and Grey Knights, what I’ll be looking at is the following:

The ratio of victories to defeats

The frequency with which major characters are defeated

Victories and Defeats: For the record, I’ll only be focusing when actual specifics to a campaign or battle is mentioned, not just ‘During the Great Crusade many planets were conquered’ for example.

Furthermore I am not dealing with the Black Crusades, particularly in light of what a can of worms they now are. My personal opinion is that, with the new Fluff, they’d almost all have to be considered victories for Abaddon, but I don’t want to get into an argument about them so I’m just going to leave them out, as both victories or defeats, for now.

Chaos Space Marines: For the record, I’ll be going from the ‘Vengeance Writ Large’ section onwards to the ‘Pinnacles and Nadirs’ section. Furthermore, since this is about comparing Chaos v Imperium, I’m ignoring internal strife where I can and also if a battle has no clear conclusion I’ll try to leave that out too.

The Horus Heresy: Defeat (versus Imperium+++++++)

Fall of a Primarch: Victory (versus Ultramarines)

Perturabo’s Curse: Victory (versus Forgeworld)

The Shattering: Defeat (versus Lugganath/Harlequins)

The Red Dawn of Iriad IV: Victory/Defeat This one is difficult since the World Eaters lose...but only because the Loyalist Captain turns to Khorne, meaning it can be seen as a loss for the World Eaters, but a victory for Chaos as a Meta-Faction. (versus Space Marines)

The Abyssal Crusade: Victory/Defeat Again a difficult one. On the one hand we do have multiple Chapters destroyed and corrupted by Chaos, but then on the other hand we also have Fluff saying thousands of worlds within the Eye of Terror itself, the stronghold of Chaos, are scoured and destroyed (versus Space Marines)

Double-edged Swords: Victory (versus Space Marines)

The 1st Armageddon War: Defeat (versus Imperium++)

The Fall of Nova Terra: Defeat (versus Imperium)

The Badab War: Defeat (versus Imperium)

The Vaxhallian Genocides: Victory (versus Imperial civilians it seems)

The Wolf at Bay: Victory (versus Inquisition/Space Wolves/Astra Militarum)

The Fall of Vilamus: Victory (versus Space Marines)

The Nightmare Veil: Victory (versus Imperial civilians again it seems)

The Ragged King: Defeat (versus Astra Militarum)

The Hungering Prince: Victory (versus more Imperial civilians)

The Iron Labyrinth: Defeat (versus Imperial Fists/Astra Militarum)

The Skull of Ker'ngar: Defeat (versus Alaitoc)

The Damnation Cache: Defeat (versus Grey Knights/Catachan/Dark Angels)

The Promethean War: Defeat (versus Salamanders/Sisters of Battle)

The Cage is Cracked: Victory (versus Blood Angels/Astra Militarum/Mechanicus)

The Wrath of Magnus: Defeat (versus Space Wolves)

Crippling Terror: Victory (versus Mechanicus)

Blacker Pastures: Defeat (versus Imperial Fists)

Gods from the Warp: Victory (versus Astra Militarum)

I am Alpharius: Victory (versus Officio Assassinorium)

War of Hidden Lairs: Victory (versus Genestealer Cults)

The Hunt for Voldorious: Defeat (versus Raven Guard/White Scars)

Dreams of the Serpent: Victory (versus Astra Militarum)

The Planetary Heist of Avernia: Victory (versus Imperium)

The Humbling: Victory (versus Space Marines/Astra Militarum)

The Machine Eyrie: Victory (versus Imperial Knights)

False Saviours: Victory (versus Orks)

The Sons of Grendl: Victory (versus Imperial citizens)

The Claws Descend: Victory (versus Imperial criminals)

An Ill-Fated Crossing: Victory (versus Imperial Navy)

The War of Statues: Victory (versus Titan Legio)

The Saint's Beacon: Victory (versus Sisters of Battle)

The Cursed Moon of Thranix: Victory (versus Imperium)

Daemon Tide: Victory (versus Alaitoc)

The Blackstone Pylons of Irradium Alpha: Victory (versus Necron Dynasties)

The Feast of a Hundred Duels: Defeat (versus Imperial Fists/Space Marines)

The Skull Hunt of Octarius: Victory (versus Orks/Tyranids)

The Fall of Ebon Vale: Victory (versus Deathwatch)

Hounds at the Gate: Defeat (versus Imperium+++++)

Flesh Meets Steel: Victory (versus Mechanicus)

The Cacophonicum of Knaus Lambda: Victory (versus Schola Progenium)

Victories: 32

Defeats: 17

So as we can see here we’ve got a split of about 65% victories to 35% defeats. Overall not bad actually, in that it seems to strike a bit of a balance between the two, helping to not be too harsh on its own faction, but at the same time also presenting them as having significant losses. So what happens when we move on over to the Imperium Codex?

Grey Knights: Same rules as for the Chaos Space Marines apply here.

The Final Sanction: Victory (versus Chaos)

The Hollow Cult: Victory (versus Chaos)

Eye of the Storm: Victory (versus Daemons)

A Brotherhood Out of Time: Defeat/Victory So this is the battle I alluded to before, in which the Grey Knights achieve their goal and win the battle, but it costs the lives of all the Squads involved (versus Daemons)

A Thousand Deaths: Victory (versus Chaos)

A Daemon Assassin: Victory (versus Daemons)

The Quiet Heresy: Victory (versus Chaos)

The Tarnished Blade: Victory (versus Chaos Space Marines)

Daemon Maze: Victory (versus Daemons)

The Damned Voyage: Victory (versus Daemons)

Convocation of Souls: Victory (versus Chaos)

The First Battle for Armageddon: Victory (versus Chaos Space Marines/Daemons)

The Cleansing of Acralem: Victory (versus Chaos)

The Battle of the Ghost Halls: Victory (versus Daemons)

The Raxos Civil War: Victory (versus Chaos)

The Fall of the Red Talon: Victory (versus Chaos)

The Black Planet: Victory (versus Daemons)

The Battle of Kornovin: Victory (versus Deathguard)

The Pandemonium of Sondheim V: Victory (versus Daemons/Tyranid)

Plagues of Ultramar: Victory (versus Deathguard)

The Putrid Springs: Victory (versus Daemons)

The Brimstone Stampede: Victory (versus Daemons)

Victories: 22

Defeats: 1

So, um, yeah. This isn’t even funny. It is sorta obscene. The Grey Knights just practically win everything. Constantly. I mean looking at this I’d say the Inquisition and Harlequins should just retire early, they clearly aren’t needed to fight Chaos. The Grey Knights can, seemingly, defeat any Daemon ever. I mean you know you’re outmatched when your super-duper assassin is defeated by a potential Grey Knight, who hasn’t even earned a place in the organization yet. Not to mention we’ve got this organization of just 1000 people who, apparently, suffer devastating losses regularly...except this never seems to have any appreciable impact at all, since not once are these losses mentioned to result in any failures, defeats or setbacks of any sort. They’re just pointless emotional tension strapped on to make it seem as if anything other than the obvious occured. I get tired of how much GW uses this strategy, its really infantile.

Honestly this is just...sorta sad.

Conclusion:

Yeah not much to say, facts speak for themselves. Grey Knights are portrayed as practically constantly winning against all odds and defeating everyone they encounter, Chaos Space Marines are not portrayed so.

Another, less important, fact is that increasingly these lore bits are just Chaos/Imperium focused, with the amount of times Xenos get mentioned surprisingly scarce. But that’s not important to this discussion, just something to note.

Major Characters:

So now we’re looking at who’s ever beaten or slain Major Characters on the other side. For this we’ll be looking at Characters who meet one of the following requirements:

1) Has a Miniature

2) Is a Primarch

Note we’re still only looking at what is directly mentioned in the Codex. So I’m only using examples, for both sides, explicitly mentioned in the Codexes.

Chaos Space Marines:

Roboute Guilliman

Grey Knights:

Skulltaker

Mortarion

Angron

Conclusion:

Nothing surprising here. You have to give this to Roboute, at least he’s lost in a one-on-one fight, admittedly to another Primarch so we have Primarch Effect in its glorious full effect, but still.

Again though, compounded with Magnus’ two defeats, Traitor Primarchs really got bad reps. I mean they have very poor win records post-Daemonhood. Almost seems like becoming a Daemon Primarch weakens you, what with the number of times they’ve been taken out by non-Primarchs.

Overall Conclusion:

Though I anticipated things would be unbalanced in favour of the Imperium, I have to admit I expected something slightly more balanced than this. Honestly...the Grey Knights Codex seems...when it comes to the Lore...yeah.

Now what I’m wondering is if the latest Space Marine Codex is more like the Chaos Space Marine one, or the Grey Knights one. Guess I’ll check it out next, maybe make a running series of keeping tally of how different factions are presented compared to each other in these 8th Edition Codexes.

I should also note I didn’t do anything fancy or such, its a very crude analysis.