#this isn't self deprication it's facts

[hold-him-down]

"He'd had a bad day and just needed something to make him feel better."

(for the five sentence prompt thingy for belleview)

from this ask game

“He had a bad night,” one of the volunteer nurses is telling Lincoln, “and he just needed something to make him feel a little better.”

Lincoln stands with the volunteer outside the door to River’s room. The muscles in his jaw ache from how hard he bites down, but he’s careful to keep his temper in check.

“Come on, Doc,” the volunteer is saying. River’s hands cover his face, and his body, now absent the typical barely-contained aggression, shakes with every deep, even breath he draws. He finally sleeps, over forty-eight hours after Lincoln took over this site, but it’s at a cost.

Lincoln rolls his shoulders to forcibly release some of the tension he’s holding as the nurse reviews the overnight attending’s orders. This is already done, Lincoln reminds himself. And there’s a part of him, a part of him that he’s learning to despise, that thinks maybe the attending made the right call.

[snek-snacc]

My mutuals are so cool. You'd all probably think I'm insufferable irl though

[teaboot]

While I'm happy that the word "gaslighting" is more known than it used to be, and that people at large are learning to recognize what it looks like, I feel like we need to be careful not to turn it into something soft and casual we throw around off the cuff without meaning.

Being gaslit is psychological abuse that fucks you up very badly, very slowly, at such a gradual pace that you don't usually know it's happening until it's already re-wired your brain.

If you're unfamiliar with the term, "to gaslight" is to intentionally persuade someone that they cannot trust their own perceptions of reality. It's a destabilizing form of manipulation that leaves you constantly anxious, off-balanced, confused, and dependant on others.

This is done by lying about events that have happened or about things that are happening, invalidating feelings and observations, and either denying, refusing to acknowledge, or deflecting away from hard facts.

As someone who has experienced gaslighting as a form of abuse, this is what I remember from when I didn't know anything was off:

"Oh, I must have forgotten what really happened."

"I'm just not seeing it from their point of view."

"Everyone has their ups and downs. This is normal."

"I guess I wasn't thinking about what I was doing."

"I must have been wrong."

This is what I remember from when I first started realizing something was weird:

"How come every time I'm convinced they did something wrong, they just talk to me a few minutes, and I end up asking for their forgiveness? What has me so convinced I was right in the first moment?"

"I should start writing things down when they happen, so I can go back and check later when I'm confused."

"If every relationship like ours (familial, romantic, platonic) works this way, how come I never hear about it, or read about it, or see it anywhere else?"

Getting out and adjusting to the real world is hard, too, and comes with rapid swings of unfounded guilt, shame, fear, anxiety, and self-deprication that are completely unfounded in reality.

You've been conditioned to believe that you are entirely helpless and unable to think for yourself, possibly "crazy" or otherwise fundamentally impaired, and that there is a singular source of guidance that knows exactly what is right, and all of a sudden that pillar of support has vanished.

The immediate "after" that I recall looks like:

Constant uncertainty. Because nobody is there to tell you what's real and what isn't, you approach every situation thinking at it from all angles. Every question has fifty possible answers and most of them are wrong and you don't know which. If you choose wrong, the world will end.

A sense of helplessness. You feel that nothing you do is correct, and it's easier to make no choices at all- or you make wild, reckless, impulsive choices, because you feel you have nothing to lose.

Memory loss. I don't understand this one, but it's not like memoriescare being erased, but more like... you're so used to treating your memories as dreams or imaginations that you reflexively dismiss anything you recall as fake, and you can't believe anything you recall because you don't think it was real. Your abusers voice is in your head, wiping things away and telling you that you did the wrong thing. And you believe them, because they're the only constant you can rely on.

Missing the abuser, or the abusive dynamic. Because you know now that it wasn't healthy, but at least you knew where you stood. As long as you said the right things and acted the right way, agreed and obeyed and did as they expected, you felt like thevworld made sense. Now you have to figure out which parts of you really are broken, and which parts are working fine in a really weird way, and it's like tuning a piano when you've never played one before.

The long term "after"- for which I can only speak for myself- looks like:

Having to double-check, triple-check, and continue checking hard evidence of an event before responding in an active way.

Consulting with trusted friends to verify that your observations are legitimate and that your perceptions are valid. Following up with them to see if someone is really angry at you, or if you're just projecting anger onto them because it's what makes sense to your old pattern.

Obsessive collection of "evidence"- saving pictures, writing detailed journals, making recordings and video, never deleting emails or old texts, because you still don't quite trust yourself all the way and you're afraid that someone will cause you to doubt yourself again.

Continued self-doubt and being "gullible": I have straight up seen people flip me off to my face in front of witnesses and then immediately tell me, "No, I was just waving", and my first instinct is to believe them. For a few seconds, I *really do* believe them. Your brain is so trained to latch onto what people tell you to believe that its really, really hard to hold onto information that you already have.

Learning to take ownership over your own actions. (I didn't mess up because I'm "crazy", I messed up because I'm a person and people do that.)

Instinctively seeking approval. (Takes a lot of work to remind myself that I don't exit to make people happy, and that some people suck ass, and I can tell them to piss off.)

I don't intend to invalidate anyone currently struggling with this- if you feel that something is wrong, it probably is. That's the thought that got me out. Trust that feeling that something isn't right.

I just want people who don't know what to look for to know what gaslighting *actually* looks and feels like, so they don't just roll their eyes and think, "Oh, that word doesnt apply to me- I'm not some snowflake".

('Cause we all saw what happened with "triggered", right?)

[theemporium]

Please a blues lagoon number 21: “This isn't what it looks like." For Jack Hughes. #gimmesomeangst

thank you for requesting!🫶🏽

21. "This isn't what it looks like."

.

“This isn’t what it looks like!” 

You shot the boy a look, a mix of anger and something stronger than hurt bubbling inside of you as you stood at the bottom of the bed. You weren’t even sure if the tears welling in your eyes were from frustration or rage.

“Really?” You let out a humourless laugh. “Then, pray tell me, Jack, what the fuck is this if it’s not what it looks like?” 

He winced, shifting in his spot on the bed. “Baby—” 

“Do not ‘baby’ me,” you gritted out through clenched teeth. “Do not fucking patronise me right now.” 

“I didn’t mean to,” his voice barely louder than a whisper, the guilt clearly etched over his face. “Everything just happened so fast and you were away and—”

“And so I have to find out from a fucking Twitter update that my boyfriend was having surgery?” You interrupted, your arms crossed over your chest in hopes it would hide the way your body was shaking. 

It was a well-known fact amongst you, Jack and the Devils medical team that his injury needed more than rest and physio to recover fully, for him to play at the same level he did before his injury. But there had been procedures in place and you were under the impression that further procedures wouldn’t happen until the regular season ended and the Devils were officially out of playoff contention, knowing your boyfriend was far too stubborn and iron-willed to step away from the team until they no longer stood a chance. 

You just hadn’t expected the surgery would take place on the weekend you were away visiting a friend a few states over. 

And you certainly didn’t expect your boyfriend to hide such a huge surgery from you. 

Now, here you were, after grabbing the first flight out to Colorado, to find your boyfriend lying in a hospital bed, recovering from said surgery. And you were pissed and scared and angry and concerned. But most of all, you were just relieved that he was okay. 

“M’sorry, baby,” he murmured, his voice soft and sheepish. “I was gonna tell you but—” He paused before letting out a sigh. “You had been looking forward to this trip with your friend for so long! And you were so excited! I didn’t wanna ruin that.” 

Your expression immediately softened. “Jack.”

“Already fucked up the team’s chances of playoffs, couldn’t disappoint you too,” he added with a self-depricating smile. You knew he had been kicking himself over the timing of everything, you just hadn’t realised how deep that blame had rooted itself in the boy.

“Baby, you didn’t disappoint anyone,” you stated, sure and confident in your words because you knew that’s what he needed. You rounded the bed, gently perching yourself on the edge of the bed before reaching for his good hand. “Not me. Not the team. Not the fans. I promise.” 

He gave you a smile but it didn’t reach his eyes. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the surgery.” There was a small pause as he squeezed your hand before he spoke. “I wanted you here. So fucking bad. Luke still has to play and so does Quinn. Mum and Dad can’t make it out until tomorrow and—”

“I’m here now,” you reassured him, lifting his hand so you could press a lingering kiss to the back of his hand. “And I’m not gonna go anywhere. Promise. Gonna be here every step of the way.” 

Something quite like relief shone in his eyes. “I love you.” 

“Yeah, yeah, I love you too,” you smiled back at him. “Even if you’re a stubborn bastard.”

.

[gaytkachuk]

the thing about mattdrai is leon is humble, but he knows he's good, so he can be cocky when he wants to be. but matthew is not 'humble', he's self depricating, and sometimes, especially on the ice, he uses cockiness as a defense against his own insecurities. and yeah, leon gets annoyed by that because, before he gets to know matthew, he thinks it's fucking annoying that he's so cocky.

in reality, matthew is over there, all false bravato, just praying that no one else notices that he doesn't belong, that he has never been good enough to be where he is. when he gets glimpses into matthew's imposter syndrome it's fucking eye opening. like matthew giving himself the 85 rating is not a silly little joke he genuinely fucking believes that's his nhl24 rating. and like i can imagine leon making that little joke "oh, i dunno probably 85, eh?" with a cheeky little grin. but that's not matthew. like sure! you can totally read it as him being humble but it's NOT it's him REALLY TRULY believing it. it's him playing a stanley cup game in a run he practically won for his team with a broken sternum bc he still had to prove himself (????) and the thing is like why else do you play a stanley cup game when you couldn't even get yourself dressed in the morning??? like he saw that as letting his team down and that's fucking DEVASTATING. and no one around him thought "oh! maybe just this once we should tell him 'matthew, you don't need to prove anything. you did fucking amazing. you got your team here, but you need to heal now though. you need to lay your ass back down and fucking HEAL because YOU are more important to us than a fucking TROPHY." AND YES i know he'd worked his LIFE for that moment but one has to wonder what that does to someone. to constantly chase that glory and to never feel good enough until then?? and THEN even when you reach the peak, you will feel like you still were not good enough, you didn't deserve it, you never will. and there is NOTHING you can do to fill the emptiness. not even the one thing you thought you needed most in the world. because. fuck. the thing you needed most is actually someone to give a shit. about YOU. not your perceived value on a team. not your accomplishments. but YOU. when you are laid up in bed, can't move, hurt. when you are waking up slow. when you aren't doing anything at all. when the mask is off and you're just breathing. that's what you need. and. fuck. leon can give that to him. because leon isn't thinking about those things. he's thinking about how matthew is brightest when he isn't performing. when he's there, curled up with a book in an oilers sweatshirt he'd never be caught dead in. when he's telling leon how much he loves him. when he lets himself breathe.

and that's the thing!! leon is so so good at motivating the people he loves to love themselves by just. believing in them? and i think that belief would change matthew's whole life. i think he'd start maybe believing it too. that maybe all the shit he's gotten from the people who he trusted the most was not fucking true. that maybe he is worth everything that leon is telling him he's worth. that he can. that he will. that he IS.

i think leon gets choked up when matthew says something good about himself. he'd never admit it, but he does. and i think to be loved by matthew would be the most overwhelming thing in the world, because it is utterly selfless. disregarding of anything. because that need of matthew's, that one to be loved with no conditions? it comes out subconciously in the other direction. it is unavoidable. it's fucking pure. and when he loves, he loves hard. leon almost doesn't know what to do with it, until he realizes it's a gift, and he will never ever deny it. in fact, he will work his entire life to carefully wrap his own love in gift paper, and give it to matthew at every possible moment.

send post.

[sketchboi33]

I am so unwell about the full moon ep. I need to word vomit about Stoliz for a second pls. I wrote so much

Blitzø is so self-destructive, he can't comprehend the idea that someone like Stolas could actually love him. So instead of accepting Stolas' confession, he gets upset. Assumes that he's not doing enough to keep Stolas' interest. And gets mad at him when he assumes Stolas is doing this as another way to string him along. To play his game. When this is all not true.

Stolas loves Blitzø. Truly and honestly. But he knows that a deal like the one they had was forcing obligation into their relationship, as well as being a very unfair power dynamic. That, let's be fair, Stolas did originally set up himself. He's not fully in the right. But the way that he decided to break off something that was genuinely making him happy, because he now knows it isn't fair to Blitzø, that shows real growth and character development.

And I think deep down Stolas was staying naive to Blitzø's true feelings. He wanted so badly for Blitzø to reciprocate his feelings, and when he didn't get the response he wanted, he shut down fully. He's spent so much time in his life not feeling worth love because of Stella and his father. So in order to guard himself and not let that happen again, he immediately cuts the tie. Doesn't even let Blitzø have a moment to fully comprehend what's happening.

And to make matters worse, Blitzø's lashing out, although yes aimed to hurt Stolas, was done in a way that makes Stolas seem cold and arrogant, IN ORDER FOR BLITZØ TO FEEL JUSTIFIED IN HIS SELF DEPRICATION. Which of course hurt Stolas a lot. And his line of "I think so highly of you. It hurts to hear just how little you think of me" just like.. you know.. ripped my heart out and tore it into little pieces.

Although it literally kills me. I think this break is good for them. Especially Blitzø. Stolas will get a chance to I think gain a small bit of confidence back. And just that fact that he did this at all shows immense amounts of growth. And for Blitzø I'm really hoping this allows him to realize his own feelings. And perhaps he will be able to realize his own self destructive tendencies and maybe take this as a sign to fight back against them for once. Not without some MAJOR depressive and anger induced episodes though. The mans is very very not well and this is certainly not going to help at first.

Anyways... I just needed to word vomit about this. I am obsessed with these two and I will be very very sad about this until the next episode comes out 🥲

[sunsetsoft]

📩 ❛ the first time i met you, i had no idea you'd mean this much. ❜ (byan having a rare vulnerable moment? shocking. unheard of.) @byanyan 🔆 assorted dialogue – accepting!

"the first time you met me, i was the over-achieving goody-two shoes who could barely raise his voice loud enough to be heard for roll call." it's less self-deprication and more a statement of fact, laced deeply with the implication that no-one would really have looked twice at him. not back then. "i don't blame you." she rested her head on their shoulder, looking over the city skyline as the sun set over the horizon from the vantage point of the fire escape her had turned into a make-shift balcony. 

"it's funny, isn't it?" he angled his head up a little, mostly seeing byan's chin and jaw. "the way the most trivial things end up being so important." elinor couldn't boast the same kind of sentiment, though. not that she had known byan would have become such a huge part of her life, not that there was any way he could have known who they would end up being in her life. but he had known that high school would shape out very differently just for being able to call byan an acquaintence, let alone a friend. she had known that they would change her.

"i'm glad, though. that that chance meeting turned into another chance meeting that turned into this. i don't know where i'd be if i didn't have you." he relaxed, curling into byan a little, resting her head on their chest now. "i'd have been completely lost a long time ago."

[morsking]

i was just randomly thinking about joyce messier, man. her "capital subsumes all critiques into itself" quote is reflected by her pessimistic self awareness. she quite often tells you she's disillusioned with liberalism and wishes she could be someone else living under different rules. she is not proud of herself, and she makes sure you know that. but that apologetic self-deprication is utterly meaningless. she doesn't actually DO anything to make things better around revachol. she's really just there to try and enforce a status quo and books it as soon as it falls apart. the state of revachol isn't really a humanitarian issue as far as wild pines and the moralintern are concerned. it's a farcical trophy, a token they can display to sell the story it was incremental progress and the free market that won the revacholian revolution, and at large, the conflict of class around globe. it tries to sell that this is the only way forward, that your destiny does not belong to you, but to people who can make decisions who coincidentally have all this power and money and education but have never even met you or asked you about what you want and what would help you.

it's a "no we may not be perfect but we are trying to make things better than anyone else" devoid of sincerity, because evidently liberalism and centrism will not truly help anyone once problems they created boil and explode. and the reason why is because they aren't brave enough for any real introspection about the way they conduct politics, because that would involve relinquishing power and capital. if joyce really cared, if joyce really wanted to change things, she would have. and not just her but wild pines and the moralintern themselves. one is not an accidental or helpless defender of liberalism. it requires a certain willingness and self-interested awareness to be complicit (and when convenient, oblivious) of inequality, treating it as some natural matter of fact instead of a real material phenomenon aggravated by the way liberalism and centrism approach any kind of problem.

disco elysium can be very in your face about its politics, but it's very effective about tearing apart bad politics with the viciousness of a lioness with a migraine. there is nothing more unsightly and useless than the self-flagellating liberal. the "i'm sorry i'm white"s who won't call to defund the police. the "i don't see gender"s who won't defend gender-affirming health-care. the tourists who make fun of other tourists preaching cultural awareness but won't pay impoverished locals for souvenirs. the politician who voted for and funded a war offering thoughts and prayers to its victims. truly, there is nothing more useless than the hypocrite. you do not save the world by taking forever just to say "there certainly is a problem", you merely prolong the demise you induced upon it.

[thescribblings]

Just some random lil fun facts about my peepaw au, since i can

1, his tail isn't natural whasoever. He spent too much time in radioactive areas and boom! Lil nub tail popped up one day! (No, he didn't notice it until someone pointed it out, and yes, it can retract, but it's uncomfortable after a while, lol)

2, it's called 'slightly feral future leo for a reason, i just haven't explored it properly yet so i don't have many explanations atm '•>• (except that he has 'mission mode', it's basically ptsd but with extra ✨️spice✨️)

3, this man is like, really fuckin active (living my dreams fr) one of his favorite things to do when he isn't lounging on the couch is run! And boy, does he run, he was a lil too eager to get back to it when his abdomen was healing, and luckily nothing bad really happened, but he did get an earful from everyone else

4, contrary to most, my peepaw doesn't have a lot of self depricating thoughts! They're there, but they don't run the show, y'know?

5, like i mentioned in the post about his prosthetic, he's really fuckin heavy (200-250ish kg or 440-550ish lbs), and for good reason! On top of the heavy ass shell attached to him, the undeniable fact that he's mainly made of muscle and built like a damn tank and his prosthetic, i decided to make him 7'4, 223,5cm. What can i say? Tall idiots scratch an itch in my brain

6, he has zero sleep schedule, you will find him awake at the most random of hours, in the most random of places (sometimes he's up for days, but we'll get into that in the future) you'll also find him sleeping in random ass spots, on a light fixture in donnie's lab? Yep. In a corner, crammed between pipes? Yessir. In the middle of the floor? Obviously. Literally in the fuckin closet? Yes. Turtle brain go brrr

7, onto one of my favorites, i personally believe (as illogical as it may be) that rumbling vs churring has to do with size to some extent, the smaller turtles can rumble but they have to think about it, the bigger turtles do it on instinct, make sense? Lemme tell you, this man can sound like a fuckin engine sometimes, mikey loves it ofc. oh, and he makes more turtle noises than the others lol, part of the whole 'feral' thing

8, he's very interested in unicorns still, once a leo, always a leo. But he's also very interested in fashion, and mainly different clothes that look good, are comfortable, AND that he can kick someone's ass in, so he mainly wears loose clothing, and despite the choking hazard, often wears his scarf! I just don't know how to draw it yet, lol (and yes, present leo did get him a unicorn onesie, he loved it)

Oh! And he does usually wear a prosthetic arm, i just havent designed one yet lol (and I'm enjoying not having to draw 2 arms)

Thank you for reading my ramblings!

Have nice day

[jadewritesficshere]

Roommates

Steddie 18+only

Synopsis: Eddie and Steve live together; tension grows

Contents: Making out; insecurity and self depricating thoughts at first, not really angst but angst then comfort

Eddie stood in the kitchen grumbling. He hadn't slept well the night previously. He had tossed and turned. After a long day of work and then lugging equipment for a gig, one would think he would have slept soundly. Yet, for some "unknown" reason, he couldn't go to sleep.

Maybe it was the fact that Eddie was mad at Steve. Eddie had opened the cabinet next to the fridge to get a bowl, but instead found mugs. Steve had rearranged the kitchen to the "right" way- which was absolutely wrong, the mugs should be above the microwave and coffee pot not next to the fridge. Eddie couldn't even find the bowls, slamming each cabinet with more force as his anger grew.

Eddie had half a mind to yell at Steve, and in fact had went to do so. He had thrown Steve's door open without knocking, because well it was his house too. Eddie was not expecting Steve to be making out with some guy. He felt bad for startling the guy, but felt even worse about himself. Steve was straight- well he had thought. And now Eddie has to see Steve kiss a guy? That means Eddie could be getting kissed by Steve since he apparently was okay with guys? And yet he wasn't. "Fix the fucking kitchen," was all he could manage before slamming the door, hearing Steve call out an "Eddie, wait."

Eddie wished he didn't see Steve kissing some random guy. The way his tongue had been in his mouth, his hands on the guy's hips. Sure, he was upset about the kitchen. But Eddie was mad that it wasn't him Steve was kissing. Of course, why would it be him? Steve had never once responded to his flirting. Okay, maybe he flirted back, but he obviously didn't mean any of it, that was just Steve being Steve. There was no way he was actually flirting with Eddie.

Sure, they had almost kissed once. And maybe they did kiss when drunk, but Steve seemed to not remember it the next day. Which made Eddie feel worse- not because Steve forgot him, but because he felt like he had taken advantage of Steve. So, whenever Steve brought up date ideas around Eddie, Eddie encouraged Steve to go out and find someone (even if he wanted it to be himself that Steve took out).

So Eddie was mad at both Steve and himself. He never should have encouraged Steve to date. Nancy had said there was sexual tension and told them to work on it. Nancy was Steve's ex so she should know...but also she's Steve ex so maybe her advice isn't the wisest (not that's she isn't wise but if Eddie had a shot with Steve he would never let Steve go).

And now Eddie was in the kitchen, frustrated and tired and still unable to find the fucking mugs. He is somewhat aware of the front door opening and shutting, but he's too busy glaring at the wall to register it. It doesn't register until there are hands on his hips, making him jump, as he is moved out of the way.

"Excuse me," Steve's hands linger on his hips slightly before he reaches to grab the handle of the cabinet that Eddie had previously been standing in front of.

And Eddie can only blink. Usually his mind is running into overdrive, but maybe it was the lack of sleep that was causing him to not think anything. All he could do was stare at Steve. Steve, wearing a white tank top that clung to him. In fact, it was almost obscene having that patch of chest hair exposed. Those shorts clung to his thighs, those beautiful hairy legs Eddie wanted wrapped around his waist. Those shorts that didn't hide Steve's package at all, and damn was he packing. Steve's yellow sweater was tied around his shoulders.

A light sheen of sweat was covering Steve. Eddie wanted to lick the sweat off of him, which was probably a little gross. Steve's hair was flopping onto his forehead, which Steve absentmindedly pushed back. He was standing there all sin and seduction without even realizing.

Steve turned around to say something to Eddie, but was unable to. Because Eddie's lips were on Steve's. Eddie wishes he could blame it on sleep deprivation. Really, he was a simple man with a lack of restraint. Honestly, how did Steve expect Eddie to hold himself back when he looked like that!

Eddie pulled back quick enough due to Steve's lack of response. Face burning red, hand twitching, Eddie's stomach dropped. "Sor-" the rest of his apology was muffled by lips returning to his.

Oh. Oh! Eddie's mind went blank, mouth moving on instinct. Steve's mouth was soft and plush against his own chapped lips. Steve tasted of strawberries from that stupid chapstick he kept trying to get Eddie to wear. Steve's tongue darted out licking Eddie's lips, making him gasp. Steve didn't hesitate to deepen the kiss. Eddie's head was spinning. He felt warm all over. If he was dreaming, he didn't want to wake up.

Steve's hands (those big strong hands that could manhandle Eddie in ways that weren't okay to speak out loud) pulled Eddie closer. Their torsos rubbed against each other. Eddie could feel Steve's course chest hair rubbing against him. It ignited a fire deep in his groin. His pants were definitely tighter then they had been. Steve moved swiftly, placing a leg in between Eddie's and grinding against him. Eddie moaned at the sensation. Eddie could feel Steve's hardness against his thigh, and damn if that didn't make him weak in the knees.

Steve groaned as he pulled back for air. Eddie's eyes couldn't leave Steve's swollen and spit soaked lips. "Hm...what was that for?" Steve asks, voice gravelly. Eddie tries not to show how that effects him (he's pretty sure that he failed).

Eddie waves his hand in Steve's general direction, barely any space between them as Steve still has his hands on Eddie's hips. "You're just..." Eddie let's out a breath," You're too hot." Steve lets out a laugh and shakes his head before leaning in, his nose touching Eddie's. "Great minds think alike-" "you think you're hot too?" "Well...sure, but I meant you." "Oh." "Been waiting for you to do that."

[autumn-foxfire]

19). "There has to be a way to lift this curse!"

"There has to be a way to lift this curse!"

It was an impassioned plea, one that would make most people cave to their sympathetic urges and shower the man in apologies and reassurances however Dabi was not like most people.

Instead he just glared at the man, who was now wasting his precious time by insisting that somehow he, one of the best curse breaker on this continent, was somehow wrong in his assessment about the man's "curse".

"No, there isn't," he said flatly, "Because I can't break a curse that doesn't exist."

The man gaped at him as the crimson feathers of his, admittedly impressive, wings fluffed up as if to flaunt their own presence like their obnoxiously bright colouring, and the fact that a man somehow had wings, hadn't already done so.

"What do you mean I'm not cursed?!" the man screeched in a bird-like wail that had Dabi wincing and if he hadn't been such a prideful bastard who hated to show any kind of weakness in front of people, especially strangers, he would have reached up to cover his now aching ears.

"Are you blind?! What do you think these-" the man spread out his wings to show off their wingspan, taking up the entire room of Dabi's small tent as he did so, "-are caused by?!"

"Your mom fucking a bird," Dabi answered dryly, "Now leave, I have customers with real curses that I can break."

With how the man had previously taken his rejection, Dabi was prepared for the man to put up more fight and having to deal with him through force however the man just folded his wings back behind his back and dropped his head to the floor with a sigh.

"…Do you really think it's not a curse?" he asked in a defeated tone.

It was a question and a tone too hauntingly familiar to Dabi, one he had used years back when he had approached a curse breaker, who would eventually become his teacher in the art of breaking curses, and asked him to break the curse on his own frail body.

"It's not a curse kid, it's just bad luck you were born this way."

Dabi turned away, a self-depricating smirk on his lips as he repeated what had once been told to him, "Sorry kid, it's just bad luck you were born this way."

He paused and turned slightly to shoot the man a side-glance, "Though out of all things people inherit from their parents, I don't think wings is something most would be upset about."

The man laughed sharply, "These things have brought me nothing but pain," he sneered, "And I'm not a kid, the name's Hawks and I'm the new bodyguard for the Crown Prince of Endeavor."

Dabi's body turned to ice before he broke out into a harsh cackle that scratched his throat made his curl up at the waist.

"My, my, I didn't know I was in the presence of such an important person," Dabi grinned manically, "Maybe I can help you after all!"

Hawks looked at him with unease, clearly wary of Dabi's sudden change of heart, "But you just said it wasn't a curse?"

"It's not," Dabi agreed, a grin still curled up at his lips as plans formulated through his mind, "However that doesn't mean there isn't magic in this world that can't alter someone's body and I just happen to know some people who might know what we're looking for."

"What's the catch?" Hawks asked immediately, golden eyes narrowed with distrust.

Dabi just continued to grin, "Nothing much," he assured him, "I just want to meet the Crowned Prince."

And finally take his revenge against his father once and for all.

-

I wasn't sure what to do for this to be honest so I hope this is okay! I know most of my followers like Hawks and I've always wanted to write some snark between Dabi and Hawks so I wrote this prompt based on them.

It was nice to get the creative juices flowing, I feel like I've been a bit blocked in writing so these small drabbles might be what helps me get back into the groove (though I should also answer my waiting asks too T-T)

[casuallycrushing]

Okay so I don't know if you answer these frfr but I need to rant soso bad.

This guy is in my bio and math class (sits nowhere near me) and I've had a crush on him since last year. He's popular and I've repeatedly heard him say he likes blonde girls with blue eyes, fun fact I have brown hair and brown eyes. So already, I'm screwed.

I stare at him all the time in bio because he sits a couple desks in front of me so It's just too easy. Sometimes he turns around and I look away as quickly as possible but he probably noticed. We aren't even friends because we're so different, we barely talk (last time we talked was probably like a month ago because he had to sit next to me for one class and it was like a single sentance). When he does talk to me it's like in a meangirl way like he's mocking me. Guys are mean when they like a girl but idk if he does that I think he's just mean to me cause he thinks im a loser. This isn't even me being self depricating I'm pretty sure I just have a crush on an asshole.

The only reason I think he would ever like me is because of how he treated me last year, not super nice but still. I would help him with his work A LOT we sat next to each other in math most of the year and he thought I was one of the smartest people in the class so he'd ask me and these few guys for help. One time we did like a whole asignment together and I think that's when I peaked in life. Since he's so annoying and I'm so quiet once he said, "I think (my name) hates me" and I said "no I don't" and I think about it all the time because he looked like it was an achivment that I didn't hate him.

I"M SO SORRY THIS IS A GIANT BLOCK OF TEXT.

I just need an outside perspective.

is he more of an outgoing guy or a shy guy?? usually the outgoing guys would be more straight up with you about their feelings by joking about it! shy guys send more subtle signals and would never make the first move! outgoing guys wouldn't make the first move until they know for sure that you are interested in them! from your case I think that he is just immature and not ready for a relationship even if he likes you back! dont be afraid to try and talk to him and become his friend first!

[smileymoth]

it hurts so bad when he is on his own but then when he tries to fix it and it gets even worse because he can not fucking control himself. is he asleep, is he awake, no one knows. he's suffocating in his own grief and agony of self deprication and probably a coctail of meds. AND THE WAY HE DELIVERS those three last lines.... girl i'm kissing you on the mouth its so raw and out there from the rest of the opening of the song... that night the screaming hurt because it didn't come from him, it was someone else for once

"we find each other under blankets as warm as summer" is such a EASY lyric and it even rhymes so it's not even that rythmically complex, but the way he delivers it in the song makes me ascend into heaven forever and ever. as warm as summer. come on now... it makes summer warmth seem so comfortable even if it isn't (for me, anyway), is this the point? to make something so uncomfortably warm seem so heavenly??? am i the freak here who hates the sun??? (yes) "we are inseparable" INSEPARABLE. COME ON. AND YOU HAD TO RUIN IT.... the echo of the singing also sends shivers through my brain. it's somewhere far away from you but yet close because otherwise you wouldn't be hearing it... just like a dream, so clear yet distorted

this guy is describing a corpse like i an art student explain a still life painting. "we made it that way" shifting the blame. it was y o u who did it, not we. who is we. you killed them and now you are removing yourself from the situation because this is fine, it's all fine. it's just for the influence, an artist needs inspiration. they have more songs about death and inspiration... im so insane about this band. he's not grasping the situation, he thinks he's still falling in his dream forever but no it's wrong, it's done, it's done forever. "This coma kiss is infinite" no reason i just really like that line. a fluid and intricate dream also insinuates the fact that he remembers it crystal clear....

he's repeating it again, it makes me think he's somewhat grasping the situation but still in complete denial because oh it was so beautiful, death can't be beautiful. i am thinking about a soft green fleece blanket that looks like moss for no reason. he wrapped her up, drowned her, as she was bleeding out trying to stop it so now the blanket is soaked, she was struggling so it got everywhere. now she was the one who was suffocating, not him. "wrapped up in her" he might've been too delusional to realise what he was doing until it was too far gone and he had to make it final so he could never get rid of her even in death, so he made them inseparable from each other because this way they will always be connected.

it all got the better of him, his love became violent and too much, he betrayed himself and her by giving in to his dream like state. he know's he's delusional, that he's better left alone, he trusted himself too much and it landed him here.

morning arrived, it's still so fuzzy in his head he can't grasp it, the same song will have been embedded into his brain, their song, the only thing he could've heard. it's inseparable from the situation now, just like he and her... but the aftermath is grotesque, the ripped out hair, the smell of copper that will never leave. she tried to get out, the hair in the phone cord indicates, but he wanted it all for himself, he couldn't have anyone else nearby. it was a nightmare afterall, which figure would she have called upon if he had let her... he didn't want to find out. but now it's over and perhaps he doesn't know what happened. it was a nightmare not real life. something is wrong, so so wrong, why isn't she moving, why is there blood everywhere. heartrate speeding up yet skipping beats from the fear. something's not right. the fact that the music cuts out before the last line makes me think that it finally clicked, this wasn't a dream afterall

@pikslasrce never call me a coward again <3

@theslyvoid9 tagging you because ive been talking about this stupid song for months now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! moss and all!!!!!

DREAMING BY BOYS NIGHT OUT maybe ill finally be normal avbout this (lying) heres sleep deprived rambles of a song i am obsessed with.....

[slovo-theshattered-onion]

random fuckin' musings of a mildly deranged collection of lil guys

i feel like most people need to,,, become okay, a lot more okay than we are (including myself in that. tho tbh we have somewhat gotten good at this) with being kind of shit at being a social person.

and i don't mean just- okay at being awkward, or okay with being anxious, or kinda weird. i mean, okay at being harmful. okay with the fact their actions, on a long enough timescale, WILL probably upset someone for Legitamate Reasons. okay with being kind of an ass sometimes.

and i know. doesn't that- sound like a pass to just be a piece of shit, to you?

not really. in fact, i would say this is what could help a lot of people correct and learn from the shitty behaviour they're already doing. to recognise 'shitty/harmful behaviour' is not just a Thing isolated to any class of person, not a thing that pegs you as uniquely Evil or leaves a permanent moral mark.

'cause like,,, to my mind, a lot of people are so Focused on not being The Bad Thing, they refuse to listen when they participate in The Bad Actions- because i'm not a racist, because i'm not ableist, because i'm not queerphobic, because i'm not intersexist- we're all, just, constantly, consistently, in a worldwide competition to be the least problematic bitch in town.

and that's just the broad, societal shits, that don't necessarily mean much on a personal scale for many of the people being bitches about them.

(venty rant starts under the cut lmaooo we were trying to make a broad statement about all people and then realised. oop babes this is just your own miserable life)

and sure! sure, the main example of people who proclaim their various misdeeds are people who don't think of them as misdeeds at all, and that must be a scary thought- to turn into someone like that. but,,, from my observation, including in my personal life, the people who Refuse to see any action they have taken as Bad, the people who start to go off about their good intentions or are too focused on being good, on doing good and being a good person and so on and so forth, are typically the most insufferable when they harm me.

and i feel kind of insane, in my personal life, because by GOD do i feel harmed, and it's so confusing when the person who harmed you starts to either go off about how hard they have been trying (with a subtle flavour of 'you're not being grateful enough' running as constant aftertaste), or start to get insanely self-depricating, to imply they just can't do better,,, or both.

where 'goodness' is the only resource that matters, where it is only valuable when it is 'pure', no fucking progress can be done, is my point. and we've been untangling all this for years, and i think i know why, every time we meet a new person as of late, with a bit of due time, we get disappointed that they aren't really like us beyond surface level.

because anecdotally, in our lives, no one takes the time to dig through their own brain cupboards to check for red flags.

And it's exhausting, constantly rummaging the chests and barrels of our psyche to find how things we do could be harmful- yes, to a maladaptive degree, i never said we were a paragon of mental health. It is exhausting, when that effort isn't met with barebones reciprocation. It makes me go balls to wall banana pudding, when I make an effort, again and again, to say 'this doesn't define you, you can change, I won't hold it against you' to every last person who hurts me, who says my pain isn't real, who pushes me, who doesn't seem to see me as an individual, when I bring up harmful things we have done, over and over and over, when I constantly have to be the one apologising and catching mistakes and noticing shitty patterns, and the people around me won't even help me break them.

(like bitch, i get ur drowning in ur own guilt, but please, for the love of god, assert urself when we get caught in a loop of angry ramblin' for the thousandth time this week??? i keep sayin', we have hairthin triggers, we really struggle to shut up once we start goin' off, bein' told to stop will make us stop, we learned that lesson, fucks sake why do i have to do everythin' around here-)

and- and it's our fault, innit. it's our fuckin fault for not bein able to essplain well enough, for not bein over it enough, for reinforcin these patterns with our fuckin, therapist-friend mode, for thinkin sooo highly of ourselves, for puttin ourselves repeatedly in positions of power over others, but FUCK, when we try to treat ppl like equals we always go too fast an haveta Catch It, when we treat 'em like an authority we real quick go into Programmed Inferior space, an yes, we are traumatised, we are toxic as fuck, we have no experience with bein equal to no one-

ough. well, maybe we used to. ideologically, we dont think we are Inherently Better or Inherently Worse than anyone else, as much as we can keep that balance. we do feel, deeply, like we are prolly a worse person socially speakin than many of the people that hurt us, cause we often cannot be polite an genuine at the same time, 'cause we,,, fuck

truth is, it does feel like trauma gave us superpowers. all our close friends have, for almost a year now, been tellin' us we're scary perceptive. tellin' us, we always know what to say to make it better, directly an indirectly.

truth is, hearin 'always try to do ur best' sounds like a fuckin order to skin ourselves alive no matter the 'depending on where you are physically and mentally :3' stipulations, 'cause i bet if there was good enough cause, we physically could.

truth is, it feels like we are a mile ahead in trauma recovery, an we are drownin in a lake no one else has gotten to yet.

truth is, i keep wishin this wasn't true, that we could get help, that it was easy, to find someone who will be more- or at least around- as perceptive as us, who will care, who will be genuinely interested in the thins we do an impressed by the thins we make, who will love us an guide us an, just, be good instead of actively harmful. truth is, such a person would likely have to be a famed trauma therapist who takes a million for a session, or else a find so lucky i frankly dont think 'needle in a haystack' covers it.

truth is, it aint that i cant imagine ever bein happy, if we were friends with someone too much like us.

its that, when i try, the pain of the impossible becomes too much to bear too fuckin quickly, an the guilt of seein myself as so fuckin above everyone else smothers any leftover comfort.

this is why, of late, our go-to phrases became 'don't let perfect being the enemy of good' and 'i hope someone kills me with rocks.' if you even care

[wisegirlandseaweedbrainforever]

First off apologies to StarryFeathers on ff I know this is a rewrite of a certain scene from your fic "Lost Brother" I did love your fic, but as someone who was pushed out of their family due to disabilty, I didn't feel the conculsion was messy enough emotionally, so I rewrote "that one scene" so I could go back to writing my own fic, instead of this thing sloshying around my head forever. Again APPOLOGIES!

...

"That's just cruel father!"

Michelangelo hears Donatello shout.

The clink of pottery gets louder as he breaks into a run. Things have been too tense lately, he gets, but do they have to fight he knows Leo can hear them if nothing else.

"What's going on here?" Mikey asks as he enters the dojo.

"Splinter wants Raph to teach Leo how to fight!" Donnie says throwing his hands in the air.

"I mean that's a good thing right? That way we wouldn't have to worry about him, and dad so much?" Mikey responds confused.

"Not you too!"

"Hey! If this is about him not being right in tha head-" Raph starts

"Oh don't start that again" Donnie rounds on him. "I was there too, Raph! Just cause you can't face facts doesn't mean I love him less! Who built all those crutches as kids, huh? Who tried to teach him how to speak again huh? Me! And I'm telling you ninjitsu is too much for him! It's hard enough on a healthy body! You wear a knee brace, I've been nursing my ankle for over a month! His leg is twisted in two places! He can barely hold a fork! I get wanting to protect him, but that is why I am installing censors! Why we should have an escape route planned, and agreed upon places to meet up! Not for us to break him again!" Don screams tears flowing down his face.

"About that-" Mikey says quietly.

Everyone turns to face him.

Mikey quakes, but holds out the box that he is holding. "I was working on gathering Leo's things from the old lair, and look what I found"

"Is that my old tea pot?" Master Splinter says.

"It looks like it." Mikey replies.

"Didn't it break?" Donnie askes.

"It did indeed, my son" Splinter says simply.

"Leo tried to bring it to you last winter," Raph says. "When you got sick, he tried to help you like you always help him"

Splinter sighs.

"So he was putting it back together?" Mikey askes. "I didn't know he was able to do that?"

"He's more stubborn than a mule" Raph says. "Always has been."

"Hmmn" Mikey hums. "Where is he anyway? With all this arguing, I'd normally hear him falling down the stairs trying to stop us?"

"He's at April's. She wanted to see him, and this all' was a long time comin' " Raph growled "I didn't want him here for it. He's been too anxious as it is, since the cave in."

Donnie finally looked away. And Mikey didn't feel any better, almost leaving Leo behind after the mousers would always haunt him "how could they do that? Just forget about him altogether in an emergency?!" He knew objectively it was because Leo wasn't part of the team, when things got rough topside, they didn't have to worry about him, he was home and he was safe. But that hadn't been the case this time. They weren't topside when the mousers attacked, Leo hadn't been safe, and they should have been worried.

"He's still trying to fix us isn't he?" Don says breaking through Mikey's self depricating thoughts.

"Always the big brother huh? Even when we should be tha ones taking care of him." Raph says bitterly.

Splinter sighs again, "Shredder will still stop at nothing to destroy us, and my eldest is still helpless against him."

"You are so sure he's still in there Raph, why?" Donnie asks.

"Why don't you ask him?" Raph says, holding out his Shell-cell.

Donnie's forhead crinkles as he takes it, and Mikey moves around to read over his shoulder. The ID said Leo, and there were so many texts there, like the accident never happened, like Leo had always been there. Leo asking if dinner was ready, if they could watch space heroes, when April was coming to visit. Mikey barely remembered what that was like, for Leo to be part of their lives. He just remembered the accident, his broken body, how it had been him to suggest that tunnel for playing, sure Raph blamed himself for Leo going back to save him, Donnie for not seeing the signs of collapse, and dad for being topside when it all went down, but no one remembered Mikey had begged Leo to go play there, Leo had said it was dangerous, but Mikey hadn't listened, and Leo was never the same because of it.

"I never made Leo a phone" Don says, voice light with amazement.

"I gave him an old one of mine," Raph said awkwardly. "He was always so worried when we were gone, and this let him know how we were doing."

Donnie looks so horrified, and Mikey understands. All these years, the chasm between them felt so wide, yet if they'd only given him a key board it wouldn't have. They gave up on him too quickly.

[lil-gae-disaster]

They absolutely need each other.

They see the good in each other that they don't see in themselves

I made a long post abt this, imma link it later

But they need each other to not get swallowed by the self-depricating thoughts of "I'm not good enough" and allat.

Jonathan is everything to Freddie because Jonathan doesn't care that Freddie sometimes gets confused about society or human behavior, which is a big point of self-consciousness with Frederick

And Frederick is everything to Jonathan because Frederick doesn't care that Jonathan isn't noble anymore. In fact, Frederick was one of the first people to pick up Jonathan after he was insecure whether he made the right choice in running away.

AUGH

Quick question. Who would be on which side of the TikTok audio "You were a wonderful experiencce. You were literally everything?"

Freddie-Jonathan edition

Uff that's hard because they both are everything for each other

But if I had to pick:

"You were a wonderful experience" - Jonathan

"You were... everything" - Frederick