#this isn't meant to be a guilt trip!
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yfw you try to go comment on fics posted not so long ago and find out comments have been locked ....... :c
Sigh. I'm about to say something that I'll likely regret because it'll come off preachy and guilt-trippy and it isn't meant to be, I swear:
I feel like HL fandom has been kind of bad about commenting after season 4 aired (I include myself in this, in case that's not perfectly clear) and it's been discouraging to the writers, ones who came in recently and not so recently. How are we expecting to have stuff to read if we don't acknowledge that we enjoyed something? We are a really small community, so it's not like there's 100 other readers behind each of us, 10 of whom will comment. An earlier post vaguely on this subject had someone asking "what about kudos". I mean, kudos are definitely great. I would say essential. But they alone are probably not going to sustain a thriving ao3 fandom.
"Not you, Black Noir X Reader, you've been great." Or maybe not perfectly great either, but it looks better than canon pairings, at least from the outside looking in.
I'm not sure what I'm advocating here exactly. Maybe what I'm saying is sticking an emoji reaction in a comment might be better than nothing for those who post a bunch of oneshots into one space, where you've kudosed once and then never again. Just so the people writing it know that someone read it and found something that resonated. Some of these are damn good fics and have literally zero comments, and I'm sure people have read them and enjoyed them but there's nary a trace of it letting the author know.
#i really noticed this week when RL is being an ass and I sought refuge in fandom#is this even real life? doesn't feel real#this isn't meant to be a guilt trip!#maybe just like... a nudge to support your faves on ao3?#i'm going to go practice what I'm so annoyingly preaching here#should i tag this homelander#is this going to annoy people#fuck it#homelander#the boys#the boys tv#ao3
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Loved your comment on col. Cast is lovely everything is perfect but the asshat director and some bts people. Amazing show!
Now imagine how much more amazing this show could have been if the director's unprofessionalism didn't turn the set into an extremely toxic work environment that apparently was so bad that his lead actors considered quitting acting altogether.
I still really like the show (and To Sir with Love and Laws of Attraction which were also directed by director Wo Worawit and apparently suffered from some of the same problems, albeit not to that extent) but it's kind of all I could think about while watching today's ep. :/
It's a testament to everyone else involved in the making of this show (well, except for those horrible make-up people who were hopefully fired) that it's as amazing and entertaining as it is.
#ask#century of love#bl industry#jane watches stuff#bullying your actors into doing what you want isn't the flex you think it is diretor wo#it wasn't when hitchcock and kubrick did it and it isn't now#sry for being so serious about your ask 🙏#it's not meant to guilt-trip at all#pls enjoy the show and i'm sure i'll do so too#i'm just frustrated the director will go on to make spare me your mercy like nothing happened#nothing gets me angrier than stuff like this#because somehow we've all collectively decided that it's worth it if the project delivers#(and by we i mean both people in the industry and the fans)#and it shouldn't be that way#we need a jason schreier but for thai bl
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why do i feel like i have to beg people to send me asks for ask games lately
#i've got so many mutuals and i try to send an ask for every ask game i see y'all reblog#i want to engage w you. that's what tumblr's about. i try to send out a lot of fun asks#and then idk. i feel like i have to re-re-re-reblog these ask games and beg people to send stuff just to get one or two#this isn't meant to be a guilt trip or anything like that i'm just not sure what else i should be doing?
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*through gritted teeth* I create for myself I create for myself I create for myself
#My issue is I get too exited and want to share things when sometimes it seems like I'd be better of not sharing my writing#So I can just enjoy it myself and not let it get soured#Sorry this isn't meant to be a guilt trip
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Heartbreaking: Lonely girl's friends are all busy.
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hey! i made a discord! if you like game discussion, listening to me talk, or seeing an indie dev's process, come on in! it also has a toki pona channel, and both pluralkit and tupperbox!
#i feel bad posting this again but like five people liked the last one and of them like one joined#this isn't meant to guilt trip it's just to say if you're scared of coming in don't worry about it
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Ohh I am so cool. I'm so right about everything regarding TWST characters. It was so fun- though overwhelming - to be getting TWST anons because I was always right.
#Because I DON'T get a lot of asks- I feel that I have to answer them right away. So a LOT of asks is weird and overwhelming#It seems that people who DO get asks at a frequent-enough rate don't feel this and can leave an ask for months#It's almost sad actually but I feel like elaborating would make it feel like a guilt trip for asks#when it isn't meant to be more than a thought related to the lack of asks I often get
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Something about Libby, it's a lot more accessible for certain patrons. My library had to figure out funding bc budget cuts, and we kept Libby because it's used. We have patrons make cards exclusively to be able to use it, because they are homebound and want to have access to books. I live in an area where a lot of people are truckers, and they are thrilled when I tell them about Libby and teach them to use it.
Libby is used in our stats for why we should be allowed to be open - so that we aren't defunded and shut down. Libby can be used to tell us what's popular so we can buy physical copies - thus helping authors more. We can buy additional licenses to have more e-copies available. But we can only do that if people are using the app
Not using Libby - or any of the other resources libraries provide - hurts libraries and anyone who could benefit from libraries (for example, not using libby and pirating could hurt authors).
Talk to your library about resources or e-resources. There's some cool things, and boycotting them or actively not using them in favor of pirating is just going to hurt your library.
"Don't use Libby because it costs libraries too much, pirate instead" is such a weird, anti-patron, anti-author take that somehow manages to also be anti-library, in my professional librarian-ass opinion.
It's well documented that pirating books negatively affects authors directly* in a way that pirating movies or TV shows doesn't affect actors or writers, so I will likely always be anti-book piracy unless there's absolutely, positively no other option (i.e. the book simply doesn't exist outside of online archives at all, or in a particular language).
Also, yeah, Libby and Hoopla licenses are really expensive, but libraries buy them SO THAT PATRONS CAN USE THEM. If you're gonna be pissed at anybody about this shitty state of affairs, be pissed at publishing companies and continue to use Libby or Hoopla at your library so we can continue to justify having it to our funding bodies.
One of the best ways to support your library having services you like is to USE THOSE SERVICES. Yes, even if they are expensive.
*Yes, this is a blog post, but it's a blog post filled with links to news articles. If you can click one link, you can click another.
#this isn't meant as a guilt trip#but please use your library resources before you pirate#if possible#libraries are trying to become more accessible in many different ways#please use your libraries#library
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Guess I'll just sleep and try to ignore all of this the way i always do. That's normal yeah
#this isn't meant to be guilt tripping nor do i want anyone to be concerned#I'll be ok#I'm just tired
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i see you | ln x she.
Pairing: lando x she.
Summary: a new voice appears on the radio to get lando through the end of the hungary race. part 2 here.
Word Count: 1.3k
Warning: we've taken some liberties on whose allowed on the team radio ok? i'm in mourning. this is also my first time writing for f1 or lando so >.>
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the small crackle in his ear was a sure sign that someone was about to patronise him again. for years, for years he had bled for mclaren. he'd turned down calls from horner and the men in red, he'd turned his nose to them every single time and now he finally had a chance to put a closer dent in his gap on the world championship and they just wanted him to give it up. it wasn't fair, oscar couldn't even keep up he was the fastes-
"lan?" the quiet voice that appeared in his ear shocked him, his frown forming in his helmet.
"love? now they're using you to get to me?" he scoffed at the thought, his foot on the throttle a little harder as he made his way around turn 11. fuck the team orders, they couldn't do this to him.
for her part, his girl could feel the guilt eating at her chest. "i think so." she'd wanted to smack will when he had looked at her pleadingly from the garage. "but you tell me right now, if you want this win and i'll fight will for the radio for the rest of the race, i'll be out of here so quick and i'll cut them off, give you the time you need." she offered and lando knew she meant it. his girl was quiet, preferred to stay out of the lime light and would always pick his jolly over the flash cars he had, but when it came down to it she was scrappy.
a small smile appeared on the racers face as he thought about the sight, honestly he hoped she managed to trip will and cause some momentary damage. noting he had gone quiet she let her head drop a little, eyes closing as she tried to imagine was going through his head. "my love...can you look at him in the morning if you don't let him past now?" she asked quietly, ignoring the glares that were surrounding her in the pit wall.
"it's a win baby, i need to prove that i can win on my own after miami and i need...i need those points for the championship."
"so drive, put your throttle down lan, drive and don't stop till the flag if you can live with being that man, but i know you and i love you and i'll love you regardless of what you chose right now but i also know you and this won't be winning on your own merit, this will haunt you my love and he'd do it for you, you know he'd do it for you."
lando paused again, swallowing as he rounded the corner. "you'd love me even if i took the win?"
"even then." and now she was pretty sure will was going to murder her if she ever surrendered this radio, at the very least, andreas was never letting her back in the garage.
"you'll love me more if i give osc the spot back?" he hated how unsure his voice sounded as he asked the question and her heart broke for him over how much she knew he would tare into himself later.
"no lando, my love for you isn't based on what you do in that car, not ever, its the man that comes home to me i care about." chewing on her lip she let her gaze flicker to the monitors. "the pit lane straight is coming up..." the comment hung in the air between them and she watched as it happened, 6 seconds, 5.3 seconds, 4 seconds - lando was letting him past.
"you're my winner lando." she whispered softly into the radio, silently wiping the tear that fell at his act. the look of relief around the pit wall was enough to make her guilt grow even more, at what they had cost lando today, what they had made her do. if they could just get their damn strategies right he wouldn't have been put in this position in the first place, he'd had been free to race as he came out behind oscar but instead she would piece together the pieces they threatened to break again as she took care of him tonight.
"i love you so much." lando urged as he watched oscar fly past him, his heart stopping for a moment before his foot found the throttle again. he didn't want to hear wills voice again, not right now and they could make it through two more laps without his help anyway. "will you stay with me for the rest of the race?" he asked because wins and races could come and go so long as he had her.
her eyes flickered to andreas on the wall from where she knew he was listening, watching as he nodded. "confirmed norris, i'm with you till the end." they didn't say much as he finished his race but she kept the line open with him. if the rest of the world would have something to say about the lovers simply existing together for the next two minutes then let them, she was the only one who saw him sometimes she was sure, the only one who knew what he had just done would be doing to him inside.
the chequered flag came and she checked the screens once more before making the call. "that's p2 baby, p2, you know what to do from here." sliding from her chair she didn't bother to take the head set off as she made her way through the garage and out through the pit lane to where she knew lando would soon be parking. she was easy to spot with the bright yellow merch she wore, forever a lando girl over mclaren and her eyes shiny as she watched her man move to congratulate oscar. it left a bitter taste in her mouth, that the win would be tainted by shitty team orders but she'd get to celebrating with oscar later once she knew her driver was ok.
she continued to chew at her lip as lando removed his helmet, the green eyes she knew so well looking around for her and she let her smile return at the way his shoulder visibly relaxed at the sight of her. lando was slow to move, not wanting to risk any more hate that he already knew he was going to get but there was only one thing he wanted right now. the hands he felt cupping his face, an instant sanctuary for the male. "i see you lan." the soft words that meant more to him than even love would.
leaning forward lando let the gap between them close, his lips find hers softly for a moment. normally she would pull away and scald him, knowing just how many cameras were in this pit lane to capture the moment but he needed her more now than she needed to shrink into the shadows. "i'm so damn proud of you." she whispered against his lips, fingers finding the damp curls at the back of his head and her chest settling now that she could hold him once more.
he'd never been as good with words as she had, always seemingly saying the same thing but he wanted to try, for her. "you mean more to me than all this you know?" he could already hear the people calling his name for media duties and as tempting as it was to just face the fines, grab his girl and vanish, lando knew that it would be better for the team if he saved them face. all the blood he'd lost for them still had to count for something right? taking a final second to lock in her face, lando lent forward for a final singular kiss. "i'll see you in my drivers room." he promised before he stepped away.
with a small nod she moved back, eyes filled with tears once more as he stepped up to take the mike from nico and he demonstrated once more why he was the man she adored. racing could continue to test him all it wanted, but she would be the anchor whilst he weathered any storm for as long as he needed her.
#lando norris#lando norris imagine#lando norris x reader#lando norris fluff#f1 x reader#lando x reader
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Astarion sees you're almost falling asleep and will drag you to bed now!
I would need this on like a daily basis. And I guess so do many of you - so let the vampire drag you to bed and GO! GET! SOME! SLEEP!
It was so late it could have been called early. Outside you could already hear the birds chirping, cheerfully greeting a new day. Which meant that it was more than high time to crawl into bed. And doubly so because you lived with a vampire who fared even worse with sunlight than you.
But you were still crouched over your desk and the papers there.
Your eyes were tired. You barely saw what you were working on anymore. And you knew you could get this done when you were fully rested and it would only take a matter of minutes. But you were so desperate to finish this.
Unfortunately, you had a tendency to be very determined (someone else usually called it stubborn but you always pretended you had gone deaf all of a sudden when that happened). But this tendency had brought you this far and probably saved your life more than once. And you wouldn't be bested by this piece of work!
But your head was slowly falling, your eyelids growing as heavy as lead.
And you only jumped back up when you heard that certain someone enter the room, being purposefully noisy to make you aware of it. You were grateful for that because if the vampire had snuck up on you, like he was fully capable of, it might have not ended well with you being this exhausted.
“Slacking off on the job, are we?” you heard his familiar teasing voice as he came closer. You felt his presence as he leaned on the table around you - basically caging you with his arms, sleeves rolled up to his elbows as usual. His lips were awfully close to your ear and the hairs on your neck stood on end as you didn't dare rip your eyes from your work.
“Don't you think this can wait, love?” he whispered now directly into your ear causing a hot and cold shiver to run down your spine.
But with this he had pushed the wrong button. Almost involuntarily you felt one of your eyebrows rise up and your lips forming a pout: “No, Astarion, I don't think it can wait.”
You turned your head around to face him and saw him smirk, making you even more annoyed at him. He leaned in closer, causing his chest to brush against your head now, his hands moved to cover yours.
“Do you really think a stack of papers can't wait more than your caring lover craving your calming touch?” he murmured with a pout that mirrored yours while his deft fingers freed your writing quill out of your angrily clenching fingers. You couldn't resist him long. His hands were used to open up more difficult things than your desperate grip on your writing utensils. Also his absolutely instrumentalized big red eyes he looked at you with were absolutely working their usual enchanting magic on you.
Not enough though for you to not make a snide remark about what was happening.
“Well, for starters the stack of papers doesn't talk back.”
“You think I'm funny, my love.”
“It also isn't as full of itself.”
A mockingly offended gasp while Astarion’s hands moved the papers out of your reach.
“My heart, you hurt me.”
“Ah see, it also doesn't guilt trip me.”
The vampire's hands wandered up over your arms to your shoulders. “I can't do right by you tonight, can I?”
“You could just let me keep working on my thing.”
A dramatic sigh and Astarion let his head fall forward and onto your shoulder. Then he let go of you and took a step back.
“Do you really want to keep working, dear?” he sounded sincere now and you suddenly felt true guilt as you looked at him. He stood there, arms crossed over his chest, eyes still awfully wide and shining.
But the urge to not keep business unfinished still had you in its claws.
After a few heartbeats you opened your lips to answer, but-
“Too bad, you're coming with me now, my love.” Astarion exclaimed and with rogue quickness grabbed your chair by the armrests to drag it away from the desk and turn it around to him. “You need your beauty sleep, I can't be seen walking around with a walking corpse!”
You squealed when you felt your body get yanked around so quickly while your tired brain was almost incapable of catching up. Thus you were almost confused when you had ended up on Astarion’s shoulder a moment later.
There was no energy left in your body to resist this infuriating man any longer so you just played the part of dead weight draped over his shoulder - since he had already coined you as such - and couldn't stop yourself from giggling.
“See, darling, I told you: you think I’m funny.”
“It's just sleep deprivation talking.”
“Ah, so you agree with that too.”
You resisted to answer him with something he would only twist around again to fit his agenda. Instead you just slapped his butt you had quite the delectable view of at the moment.
Astarion hissed and just slapped your behind in return. You only giggled more.
“I should have left you at your godsdamned desk, let you fall asleep right there to drool on the papers,” he murmured under his breath and ended it with something about how ungrateful you were while he threw open the bedroom door; your favourite drama queen.
Then he made quick work to get you off his shoulders with an exaggerated groan which you were sure wasn't fully acted.
As soon as your body hit your soft bed the last of your energy decided to evaporate into the aether. You were almost falling over if not for the vampire's quick reflexes catching your wrists.
With quick fingers and more snarky remarks you had no power to reply to anymore he undressed you to your underwear.
And with more overly dramatic groaning and a roll of his eyes since you provided absolutely no help did he turn you to lay down. He carefully placed your head on the pillows which you thanked him for with a dreamy sigh. Your eyes closed on your own. The blanket was thrown over you and more rustling told you that Astarion was quickly undressing as well.
When the mattress shifted under the vampire's weight as he got into bed next to you you barely even noticed it anymore.
With final efforts Astarion dragged you onto his chest. Your arms slung around him and your legs tangled with his automatically - you had done so hundreds if not thousands of times already.
“All this work just to get you where you belong,” Astarion whispered to you and clicked his tongue disapprovingly as he began rubbing lazy circles on your back. You only hummed contentedly as you felt your body relax fully into him and his touch.
Your last half-coherent thought as you drifted off to sleep was that, indeed, you had to agree with him on this one: you were right where you were supposed to be.
Taglist: @spacebarbarianweird @sunfire-ancunin @tragedybunny @dependsonthedream @tallymonster @magazzne @micropoe10 @aoirohi @my-bunny-prince @lumienyx @fayeriess @darlingxdragon @hereliesblackdragon @ayselluna @ajokeformur-ray @i-cant-get-into-my-other-account @rikuyrk06
#astarion#baldur's gate 3#astarion ancunin#fanfiction#astarion x tav#bg3 spoilers#baldur's gate iii#baldurs gate#astarion x mc#astarion x oc#astarion x you#astarion x reader#bg3
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Okay, I've been brainstorming about my pookie Gojo again and was wondering if you could write something with a jujutsu sorceress who's been getting along with romantic! Yandere! Gojo great, even friends! This is the best time he's having since his teen years (which were his best ;.;) but his friend/love interest has the opportunity to step away from the jujutsu society/school and live a normal life away from Gojo. It would keep them the most safe...but Gojo is clingy and selfish and wishes for a normal life WITH her, too.
Could prompt 15, 54, and 38 from your yandere prompt list work? Thank you :)
Sure! You said Sorceress so I assumed female reader? Here you go!
Yandere! Satoru Gojo Prompts 15, 54, 38
"Please smile for me... don't make me force you...."
"Selfish! That's what you are!"
"My life has been so barren without you...."
Pairing: Romantic
Possible Trigger Warnings: Female Darling, Obsession, Manipulation, Clingy behavior, Trauma, Fear of loss, Guilt-Tripping, Overprotective behavior, Forced relationship.
Satoru can't remember the last time he felt this way.
He hasn't been this happy since his teen years. Now he's much older, a teacher, and the strongest Sorcerer out there. Truthfully, after the death of Suguru, he didn't think he was meant for such happiness... not with his burdens.
Then there was you, a Jujutsu Sorceress who transferred to Jujutsu High to help train and monitor Sukuna's Vessel.
At first, Satoru didn't think he needed the help. He was completely fine looking after Yuji just like he was with Megumi. Yet, he didn't fight the extra help.
More help can be useful for other means.
Satoru was naturally friendly when he first met you. Mostly just to welcome you even if he felt he didn't need your help. He's strong, doesn't need to rely on anyone...
Then you showed him that he isn't strong everywhere... emotion-wise he was vulnerable.
He really does hate how much you remind him of his good years. Those years were long dead now, just like his friend. But despite it all... Satoru found himself attached.
He just couldn't help it. You help take care and guide the students in his care. Plus, even if he's the strongest, you still insist on providing back up.
You two became quite the duo when you join to help teach.
Satoru was never usually one to crush on girls much when he was younger. He was always focused on himself rather than flirting around, even if he is attractive. Now that you're beside him, however...
He can feel himself crushing on you like some young school boy.
It's embarrassing how your presence makes him feel... weak? He always finds himself so nervous yet calm around you. It's just you... always you... now he can't help but feel addicted.
Satoru regrettably let himself get attached to you and be vulnerable with you. He found himself taking you on little 'dates' (They aren't dates to you) and letting himself relax. He knows he shouldn't... but your smile is everything to him.
Satoru couldn't help but fall for you. You're such a pretty and precious woman to him... you make him feel all attentive. Satoru can't help but want to protect you, to be part of your life.
Satoru wants you to need him as much as he needs you. He adores you. He can't help but hope you feel the same so he can hold you... kiss you....
He's fallen into this little obsession of his so much that he gets excited when you invite him to your office. You tell him you have to confess something, to meet you in your office whenever he's free. Satoru has never appeared in a place faster.
Then you say you have to leave.
"They allowed me the opportunity to take a break. I'm just not needed here, now. I just thought it would be the safest option... and I wanted to tell you just so you knew...."
Satoru... can't believe what you said to him. You had called him into your given office to speak to him. This is the important news you had to say...? This was your confession?
You... You want to leave? You want to leave him...? Are... Are you serious...? You didn't love him? You didn't feel the same? Satoru's gaze keeps scanning you, looking for any form of deceit. When he sees none... He can't help but break his calm exterior and snap.
"Selfish! That's what you are!" Satoru snaps, unaware of any projection he may have just flung at you. You stare at him, jumping at his sudden lack of control. It's... so unlike him.
"Satoru, what's—?"
"You're not needed here...? I need you! I NEED you to stay here, with me!" Satoru pleads, stepping closer. He corners you like an animal... yet you stand your ground the best you can.
"My life has been so barren without you...." Satoru continues his sudden rant, his voice almost cracking as he looks at you. His gaze is full of hurt. "Now that I've found you, now that I can taste that happiness again... You want to leave me!?"
"Satoru, It's for the best, I'm not trying to leave you..." You try to explain your actions, only for Satoru to pull you into his chest.
"Don't you know I love you?" Satoru asks quietly, causing your face to flush. His sudden confession does not help either of you... You still feel fearful of his sudden change in behavior.
"Satoru, no...."
"I love you. I love you so much it hurts. I can't let you go, baby...." Satoru whispers, the nickname a smooth as velvet. "Please don't go... I can't protect you if you go...."
"Don't make this harder than it has to be...."
"Why can't you tend to me for once!?" Satoru barks, making you freeze in fear. "Why can't I be happy!? I want a life with you! I want to stay with you... I want..."
Satoru pauses, seeing the fear in your face. His cold gaze softens when he sees you trembling in his hands. He... He shouldn't be taking this out on you...
"... I want you to smile," Satoru murmurs, cupping your face. "I want you to smile because you're my girl, and I'm your man. I want you... I don't want you scared of me, or anything, I just..."
In a moment of vulnerability usually unseen, Satoru pulls you into a tighter hug. You almost can't breathe
"Please smile for me... don't make me force you...." Satoru whispers, his words genuine... yet they come off as threatening. "Please show me you love me too... Please don't leave my side...."
Satoru doesn't look down at you, merely shoving his face into your neck.
He's so stressed and tired all the time... He just wants to be happy, happy with you...
He doesn't care if it means he has to keep you here by force... It's all to protect you... or so he tells himself...
He just can't lose you... He's lost too much.
#yandere jujutsu kaisen#yandere jujutsu kaisen x reader#yandere satoru gojo#yandere gojo#yandere satoru x reader
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It's a crisp autumn evening when you and Todoroki arrive at your house. Your parents are off on another business trip, leaving you with an empty house and a whole week of freedom. Or, in this case, a whole week with your boyfriend, Shoto.
As you're showing him around, you notice he seems distracted. "Everything okay, Shoto?" you ask.
He blinks, dual-colored eyes focusing on you. "Yes. Just... thinking."
You smile. Todoroki and his deep thoughts. It's one of the many things you love about him. "Well, make yourself at home. I'm going to grab a shower."
As the bathroom door closes behind you, Todoroki sits on your bed, mind whirling. Last week, during one of his rare moments of procrastination, he stumbled upon an article about the benefits of cuddling. Increased oxytocin, lower stress levels, better sleep. He wants that for you. For both of you.
But how to initiate? Todoroki, for all his battle prowess, feels out of his depth with this kind of intimacy. His eyes wander around your room, landing on the heater. An idea forms.
He approaches it, hand out. A touch of his right side, and frost creeps over the heater. It sputters, then dies. Todoroki nods, satisfied. Now he just needs to wait.
Twenty minutes later, you emerge from the shower in your softest pajamas. You're toweling your hair when you notice. "Is it cold in here, or is it just me?"
Todoroki looks up, and his breath catches. You're shivering slightly, skin pebbled with goosebumps. He didn't realize how cold it would get so quickly. Guilt gnaws at him, but he pushes it down. This is for a good cause, right?
"The heater must be broken," he says, aiming for nonchalance. "We should... conserve body heat."
You blink, then a slow smile spreads. "Shoto Todoroki, are you asking me to cuddle?"
He blushes, the red stark against his white hair. "It's... practical."
"Sure," you tease, but you're already climbing into bed, snuggling up to him. He's warm, always warm, and you sigh contentedly.
Todoroki feels a rush of... something. Happiness? Pride? All he knows is that he likes having you close. He wraps an arm around you, pulling you closer.
But as minutes tick by, the room gets colder. And colder. Todoroki's left side is like ice, and you start to shiver violently.
"S-Shoto," you chatter, "I t-think something's really w-wrong with the h-heater."
Panic rises in his throat. This isn't what he wanted. You're freezing, possibly getting sick, because of him. Some boyfriend he is.
"I'm sorry," he blurts out. "I... I broke it. I wanted to cuddle, but I didn't think—"
"Y-you broke it?" you interrupt, teeth still chattering. "On p-purpose?"
He nods miserably. But then, to his surprise, you laugh. It's a shaky sound, but genuine.
"You're adorable," you say, nuzzling into him despite the cold. "But also an idiot. You could've just asked."
Todoroki feels warmth that has nothing to do with his quirk. "I'll fix it," he promises.
"Later," you say. Then, with a mischievous grin, you flip your legs over him, straddling his waist to reach his other side. The side that's all warmth.
"Better?" he asks, watching you snuggle into his right.
"Much," you sigh, the shivers already subsiding. "But next time you want cuddles, just ask. Okay?"
"Okay," he whispers, pressing a kiss to your forehead.
In the soft glow of your bedside lamp, with you tucked safely against his warm side, Todoroki thinks he finally understands what that article meant. Cuddling isn't just about body heat. It's about this: the trust in your sleepy mumbles, the forgiveness in your laughter, the love in the way you fit against him.
He may have broken the heater, but Todoroki thinks this warmth, this closeness, was worth it.
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Relax
Poly!JegulusxFem!Reader
warning: smut
Hi ! This is the first smut fic that I'm more than satisfied with, so I really hope you will enjoy it 💗
English isn't my first language, so I apologize for any mistakes.
You were stressed.
You were so fucking stressed, that you either weren't even able to function properly due to sleep deprivation, or you were a nightmare to be around, snapping about every little thing.
James and Regulus noticed, obviously.
They always noticed when there was something wrong with you.
Regulus was too observant for his own good, and James had such empathy that he could sense the slightest changes in your mood from a mile away.
And, maybe, the fact that you had literally screamed at an owl for interrupting your studying when the poor bird was just trying to deliver some mail to its owner in the middle of the Great Hall could've been an indicator as well, you weren't sure, really.
So when they basically cornered you in your dorm room, locking the door with a charm and sporting twin expressions of concern, you knew it was probably worse than you had noticed.
“I know, I know. I just need to finish this essay and then I'll be all yours, ok ?” you say as you retrieve the book you need for your paper. You try to walk past them to reach the door but, predictably, they stop you.
“Where do you think you're going ?” James questions, raising an eyebrow.
“To the library James, where else would I be fucking going ?” you snarl.
Regulus gives you a pointed look, and your shoulders sag in response.
You knew you were being a bit difficult to deal with, and hurting the two boys you loved the most in the world was the last thing you wanted. But all the pressure you had been under the past few weeks was catching up to you and you were a ticking bomb ready to explode.
“Sorry. I'm sorry Jamie, but I really need to finish this essay” you say with a pleading look, begging him with your eyes to let you go.
“You've been in the library all day everyday for the past week, Y/n. Don't you think it's time for a break ?” Regulus asks. His voice is so gentle and so delicate that you really just want to curl into a ball and cry.
“I can't” you say sighing “the essay is due Thursday. I only have two days to work on it, I can't afford to waste time” you say as your hands run through your hair in frustration.
“So spending time with us would be time wasted ?” the Gryffindor asks, lifting his eyebrows as a flash of disbelief passes through his eyes.
“Yes !” You scream in anger, and only then you realize the gravity of your words. It takes one look at James’ hurt expression, and Regulus’ cold stare.
“I mean, no ! That's not-” You let out a shaky breath as you sit on the bed, your throat tight. “That is not what I meant, I swear. You know it, you know I didn't mean that”
Your head is hung low and you can't even look at them in the face.
You were feeling like shit, but that didn't mean that you had to make them feel awful too.
You felt guilt crawling up to every fiber of your body.
“I'm sorry, I'm being a bitch” you say, and you feel your eyes start to water, gaze still glued to the floor of your room.
Your eyes fix on Regulus as he kneels down in front of you, searching your gaze until it locks in his, and you're not able to pull away from the stormy gray of his eyes.
“You're not being a bitch, my love. You're just stressed. You need to relax” he says as he tucks your hair behind your ear, letting the pads of his fingers dance on the skin of your cheek.
“I'm not stressed, I promise I can manage until-”
“Baby, you told a second year to fuck off because he tripped in front of you, and made you late for class” James says with an humorless chuckle as he sits down on the bed next to you.
Your eyes snap to his, incredulous.
“I- No that's-” you look at him, horrified “Did I ?”
He doesn't answer, but the look of pity and worry on his face tells you everything.
You didn't even remember. And a second year ? They were basically a child. You cussed out a bloody child.
You needed to get a grip, and apologize. Oh, you needed to apologize so much.
“I'm so sorry, I-”
“It's ok, Y/n. Really. You're under a lot of pressure and no one blames you for being a bit snappy, but you need a break” Regulus says, coming up to sit on the bed too, together with you and James.
“But-”
“Let me rectify. You need a break now” he says, and all the protests that were ready to come out of your mouth die in your throat.
“You're right” you say beyond exhausted “and, trust me, I know you are but the essay-”
“Remus will handle it” James says nonchalantly, not even batting an eye.
“What ?” you ask confused, blinking rapidly.
“You two have Divination together, don't you ? He will be more than happy to help you with your paper” he states, grinning slightly.
“But James-” you try to protest. You don't want Remus to do extra work just because you couldn't handle a bit of stress.
“No ‘buts’, darling. He's already on it” he says. His arm lifts up to move your hair from your shoulder, exposing your neck.
“What do you mean he's already on it ?” You ask confused as you try not to shudder at the contact of his fingers with the sensitive skin of your throat. And then your eyes go wide as it clicks on your brain.
Oh, these two.
“You planned this, didn't you ?” you ask, bewildered, as you turn to Regulus.
You would expect something like this from James, sure, he was the king of interventions when something was wrong.
But Regulus ?
Damn, you must've been a real nightmare to be around.
“I told you” he says, inching closer and closer, until your lips are a breath away “you need to relax” he breathes, and then he is kissing you so deeply that the air gets knocked out of your lungs.
His lips are soft, so soft, and needy, and hungry and everything you needed in that moment.
You part your lips and his tongue slips in, caressing yours as he deepens the kiss even more and a soft moan leaves your mouth, because, fucking hell, you missed this, and you missed him and his relentless mouth as it works against yours, and the way his teeth graze your bottom lip, softly, sucking right after in a soothing manner.
And you missed James and his mouth on your neck, where he knew exactly where to kiss, to lick, to gently suck and taste your skin, as more delightful sounds leave your lips, making your head spin, as his wonderful hands travel all over your body and make you squirm and shiver in the best way.
“So this is your idea of relaxation ?” you ask breathlessly as you part from Regulus’ lips only to feel them trace a path from the corner of your mouth, to your cheek, then your jaw, and ending on your neck, on the exact place opposite to James, and he starts licking too. You could swear you were in heaven as breathless whimpers escaped from your kiss bruised lips.
“I'd say it's a pretty good idea, don't you think baby ?” James asks, lifting his head from your neck to inch closer to your mouth.
“Absolutely” you and Regulus answer in a chorus. And you would've laughed in any other situation, really, but then James' lips collided with yours and every thought in your brain just ceased to exist.
It was just him, and his fantastic, amazing, wonderful lips as they chased yours hungrily.
“Shit, I- missed this” you say in between kisses, as soft needy sounds echo through the room.
“Tell us about it” Regulus says with a chuckle, lifting his head from your neck.
His eyes are hazy, as are yours and James’, and his lips are swollen, and red, and plump and-
“Don't be mean Reggie” James says, leaving your lips alone to focus on your jaw. His tone doesn't have any bark, he's just teasing.
“Oh, but you like it when I'm mean, don't you Jamie ?” The Slytherin teases further, and in a heartbeat they're kissing, devouring each other’s mouths like they were starved.
It's a lot of tongue, and a lot of teeth, and a lot of lust and fire, and you were left speechless in front of such a sight.
Salazar only knows how much you had missed this, missed them.
How could you give so much of your time to essays and papers, and neglect the amazing boys you hand in front of you ?
You must’ve been crazy, really.
“Enjoying the show, love ?” James asks with a smirk as he trails kisses down Regulus' neck.
“You know I always do” you say, backing up a bit farther on the bed and taking off your uniform, because there were definitely too many fucking clothes in the way of your 'relaxation'.
“James, baby, your mouth is a gift sent from heaven, trust me” Regulus says, voice shaking from pleasure as he pushes James away gently “but you do remember who this is about, right ?”
“As if I could ever forget” James says with a grin and they both turn to you and notice that you're halfway undressed, the first buttons of your shirt undone and your legs pressed together so embarrassingly tight.
Your cheeks are flushed and your lips are plump and bruised and you're on cloud nine, because after a horrible week full of no Regulus and no James they're now both in front of you, taking each other’s clothes off.
Oh, to be graced by this sight every minute of every day for the rest of your life.
And Merlin, you really need to thank whoever invented Quidditch, because-
“Bloody hell, you both look like you were sculpted by the Gods” you say as your mouth waters. Their bodies are a work of art, two of the seven wonders of the earth. All those lean muscles, slender waists and their backs.
Oh God, their backs.
You wanted to swallow them whole.
Both of them, preferably at the same time.
They grin at your comment, and then they're both on the bed by your side, James on your right and Regulus on your left.
“Speaking of being sculpted by Gods…” James says as his hands go to your shirt to unbutton the remaining buttons, and then Regulus helps you take it off completely, leaving a few open mouthed kisses on your neck as he does.
“Lay back baby, would you ?” the Slytherin asks gently, but his voice is so low and so full of lust and desire that a shiver ripples through your whole body.
You don't even notice James unclasping your bra before your back makes contact with the bed beneath you.
“Oh, look at you. So perfect, so fucking perfect” the Gryffindor whispers on your lips before kissing you and taking you to a whole other world.
You can feel Regulus’ mouth tracing your neck, leaving marks you were sure would be every shade of red and purple by the following day.
He gives attention to every inch of your skin as James makes sure to leave you breathless, and senseless, just by swiping his tongue against yours.
Then you feel Regulus lips on your breast and your head starts spinning, the breath is knocked out of your lungs and moans of pure bliss fill the room.
“Fuck- Reggie-” you whimper on James’ mouth.
Your hand goes to Regulus’ hair, cradling your fingers through it as he delicately sucks on the sensitive skin of your nipple, leaving tiny kitten licks, soft kisses, light grazes of his teeth, and then the gentle suction begins again and you could literally melt.
“Merlin, baby, the sounds you make” James whispers on your lips and then proceeds to make his way down, hovering over your other breast and then diving in, with Regulus’ same gentleness.
The warmth of their mouths on your sensitive skin, the feeling of their back muscles under your hands as you let them roam on their bodies, feeling every curve, every chiseled corner, it was a feeling you missed for a week.
And now it's here, they're here, in front of you, and you could literally die on the spot and be happy.
But they seem to disagree as they both lift their heads up, sharing a languid kiss that makes you even wetter than you already are.
Because, fucking hell, you were drenched since the first time they put their lips on you today.
You went on for so long without feeling their touch that as soon as their skin came in contact with yours your body started burning, finally alive again.
They break apart, slowly, and without saying a word they start going down, and down, and down, leaving open mouthed kisses on your stomach, on your hips, on your thighs.
“You don't have to” you tell them, because really they don't. Up until that moment everything had been about you. You wanted them to feel good too. You wanted to make them feel good.
“But we want to” Regulus says as he leaves kisses on your inner thigh. Soft, gentle, delicate kisses. James does the same on your other thigh.
“Do you want to ?” the Gryffindor asks, slightly lifting his head from your thighs to see your answer.
“I really fucking do” you admit, your hands in their hair, fingers cradling softly through their locks.
“Perfect” says Regulus, inching closer and closer to where you need him, need them, the most “now be a good girl, and keep your legs spread for us, ok ? Don't think about anything. Let loose baby, you deserve it”
And then he dives in, licking a long strip along your folds as your world shakes with the power of ten thousand earthquakes.
The moan you let out could probably be heard from a mile away, but you couldn't give less than a shit, because Regulus is eating you out like it's his last meal. He's ravenous, and eager, and gentle at the same time, and so so good, and-
“Fuck- fuck, fuck, fuck” your curses mix with whimpers and moans and you never want it to stop, ever. You wish you could remain in this bliss for eternity.
And then Regulus opens his mouth.
“James, James, Jamie, come here love” he says breathlessly. Mouth covered in your essence and eyes hazy and a fucked out expression on his face.
You swear you could come on the spot.
James, who had been busy worshiping your thighs, doesn't let Regulus tell him twice.
At the feeling of James’ tongue right on your little bundle of nerves they're so familiar with, you see stars, you see whole new universes.
“Fuck- you taste so good, baby” he moans.
“So sweet”
“So fucking sweet”
You arch your back as moans keep tumbling out of your lips.
You're breathless, a mass of choked out sounds and incoherent words. You're burning alive, the fire in your veins so strong and powerful that you feel like you could melt.
And then you make the mistake of looking down at them, right between your thighs, as they feast on your pussy like they were born for it.
“Oh, fuck- I'm-” you don't even have the time to finish your sentence because both their tongues are on that sweet sweet spot that makes you see stars, sucking gently, and in a heartbeat the coil in your tummy snaps and you not only see stars, you see an entire galaxy.
Finally, after a week of pure torture, you find yourself in heaven with the two most beautiful angels right between your thighs.
Your breath is ragged, you're breathing heavily, and you're the most relaxed and content you had ever been in the past few days.
Your body feels like jelly, your legs shaking slightly.
You must've zoned out a bit after the most earth-shattering orgasm you've had in a while, because James and Regulus were now laying next to you, gently caressing your hair in a soothing manner.
“Welcome back” James says with the most beautiful smile ever.
“Was I out for long ?” you ask, blinking slowly.
The three of you are under the covers now, still very naked, and still very happy.
“Ten seconds max” Regulus tells you, his eyes soft, a fond expression on his face.
Merlin, he's so beautiful.
They're both so beautiful.
“You can sleep, love, it's okay” the Gryffindor says, as he softly strokes your cheek with the pads of his fingers.
“But-”
“Everything is clean, we took care of it, as always” Regulus interrupts you sweetly.
You really had the best boyfriends in the world.
“God, I love you so much” you say sincerely.
“Oh, really ? Wouldn't have guessed that. What do you say, Reg ? Did you notice ?” James says teasingly as a grin grows on his lips.
“Would've never been able to guess, honestly” says the Slytherin, equally as teasing James.
“You twats, I was being serious” you say and then you realize your mistake.
“Don't you even try to make that joke right now” you warn them, especially James, who makes the gesture of zipping his mouth shut and throwing away the key, but he has the stupidest most adorable smile on his face.
“We love you too, darling” says Regulus “but I think you should sleep now. It's getting late”
“Will you stay here ?” you ask, hopeful.
“Of course, love” James assures you.
And that's how you fall asleep that night.
In a tangle of limbs and bodies, between your two very personal angels.
Divination essay long forgotten.
#marauders#marauder's era#the maraunders map#harry potter#james potter#regulus black#sirius black#remus lupin#lily evans#marlene mckinnon#mary macdonald#smut#marauders smut#polyamory#barty crouch junior#evan rosier#dorcas meadowes#pandora rosier#slytherin skittles#gryffindor#slytherin#james potter x reader#regulus black x reader#regulus black x james potter#regulus black smut#james potter smut
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Moon — Thomas Shelby.
— CW: 18+!, smut. breeding kink, (slight) housewife kink, mentions of kidnaping. Age gap. | word count: 1.7k. (not proofread!)
— a/n: I have no clue from where this came from. I'm not in the best mindset and this happened. This is also my first time writing for Tommy so don't hate me lol. This isn't canon compliant ig because I don't want it to be. I just want him so bad it's not even funny.
Vulnerability.
It was a word he never thought he’d truly understand the meaning of.
It was always meant to be a secret. Why? Because good things don’t last long— not for him. Never for him.
And every time he is away from you, it is a constant heartache that not even the strongest alcohol or an insane amount of tobacco could ease. He wishes he could steal the moon from the dark skies of Birmingham and hand it to you, he knows how much you love the moon. Night after night, he raises his head to stare at it for hours, wondering where are you, if you are thinking about him as much as he is thinking of you.
Wondering if you love him as much as he loves you.
Love. Such a funny word. A meaning both so full and so empty.
He wishes he could steal you.
He knows how much he loves you.
It is always better to be safe than sorry— that’s why he secluded you, and you understood. Perhaps it was the naivety granted by your young age, or maybe it was your blind love for a man who was doomed since the day he was born. Whatever it was, it kept both of your hearts attached, beating as one; watching the same moon.
He counts the days, the hours, and sometimes even the minutes; he is a smart man, he knows where you are and with whom, he knows what dress you wore and who you talked to. And he does it for love. Or even obsession. A strange urge that creeps into him every night when he thinks of you after a long day of work— an urge to be loved. He counts the days, the hours, and sometimes even the minutes until he is able to see you again. To hide under that perfect, warm blanket that is your arms, your kisses, your body.
In front of your front door, he knocks even though he knows the door is open. He has guards on every corner, eyes on every window. He already lost too many precious things in his life. He can’t afford to lose you. He built you a house, a paradise for you to enjoy, cherish and take care of. He gave you everything you could ask for, even more. Growing up, you never experienced the same deficiencies and struggles he did, you never had to lift a single finger and that’s alright for him. Because on those days when he feels powerless and exhausted, he knows he can always ride back home, and regain that power by standing next to you.
Home. Home. Home.
“Tommy!” The squeak of excitement makes the long trip worth it. Everything is worth it if it comes to you.
He hugs you, keeping you tight against his chest wishing he could stay that way forever, basking in your delicate soul, your selfless heart. Thomas calls your name in an affectionate way that no one could evoke in such a genuine way. He kisses you with such passion that makes your blood boil and your heart flutter.
“How are you feeling?” He asks, ignoring how his mind scolds him for the hint of vulnerability that laces his voice.
Placing your hands over your stomach, his body tenses at the small bump underneath your expensive, tailored dress. “We feel good, we missed you— I missed you” You reply with adoration. He is finally here.
“I’m here,” He says as if you needed confirmation that he is in fact in front of you.
“How is everyone?”
“Good” He places a large hand over your stomach, rubbing it with his palm. “Ada keeps asking me when I will bring you back to Small Heath”
“And when will that be?” Your question gives him a pang of guilt. He wishes he could have an answer, his face says it all. “It’s alright, love. I understand things are… difficult”
“Enough about that” He breathes, cupping your cheeks and forcing you to look at him. He wants the distraction, he wants the warmth, he wants you. “I’m here to see my wife, not to talk about work”
With a giggle, you kiss him. “Fine. Whatever you want”
And he loves that. He loves how willing to please you are. He loves how you let him guide you upstairs, undress you, and adore you. Thomas’ hands caress the small bump in your stomach as he carefully lifts his hips to thrust deeper, enjoying every small moan and gasp. Normally he isn’t this gentle, but he will never harm you or your baby. With his occasional grunts and pants, he grabs your thighs, increasing his pace. Watching you bounce on top of him is a heavenly sight and is in these moments when he is sure you are an angel sent from heaven from him. He might not believe in God but whatever exists in this cruel world granted him with a Goddess.
“I m–missed you” You moan digging your nails into the pale skin of his shoulders. “I missed you s–so much”
That damn wave of vulnerability washes over him, the bed creaks with your combined weight, creating a delicious, sinful melody that he evokes on those nights when he is too desperate for your body and has to find relief in his own hands.
His large hands cup your breasts, paying attention to your swollen, sensitive nipples. Thomas pinches them gently watching you tremble. He can already imagine them full and heavy, ready to take care of the baby that you are expecting— his baby. A louder groan falls down his lips at the thought. Such a wonderful mother you will be. Such a perfect, precious housewife.
Such an angel sent from heaven.
“I love how you look” He confesses in a husky fashion, bouncing your tits in his calloused palms. “I can’t wait to see you— to see you all round and heavy with my baby”
His words send a shiver down your spine, clenching around him and making Thomas hiss from the raw pleasure of your tight pussy. “Please— don’t stop”
“I wasn’t plannin’ on, doll”
Thomas dares to increase the pace, using one hand to grope your ass to keep balance. Your moans also increase in volume, igniting the primal desire to claim you inside of him. “You are so fucking tight— I will fucking pump another baby into you as soon as you have this one”
You nod fervently, closing your eyes and scratching his chest. “Yes! I’ll have as many as you want Tommy— anything you want! Anything”
The loyalty he so loves.
His lust wins over his composure for a moment, landing a sharp slap over your asscheek that makes you whine and clench again causing him to grit his teeth. He is aware of how much you adore it when he is rough with you, he thrives on the submission you gave him since day one. Unable to help himself, your husband slaps your ass repeatedly, relishing the cries of pleasure that call him like a siren to a poor, lost sailor.
“Say you are mine” He grunts after another hard slap. He isn’t going to last any longer. Not with such a breathtaking view.
“I belong to you!” You comply instantly. “I am y–yours! I’ve always been” He knows you are telling the truth. That’s why he had to take you away from your home, to manipulate you in order to give up your last name, to cast you under his spell— that’s why he had to have you since he first landed eyes on you.
But at the end of the day, he was the one wrapped around your finger.
He is the one wrapped around the velvety, soft walls of your cunt, squeezing him for dear life and silently begging him to breed you, use you, claim you…
Love you.
With a strained cry, you come around him. He could watch you unravel on top of him for hours— in fact, he has. Your movements were slow, deliberate, and intense. He could feel his breath hitch as you moved, and his heart raced as you arrived at your climax. His gaze was unwavering as he watched you ride out the waves of your pleasure. Thomas followed you seconds after, moaning your name under his breath; he fills you up just the way you both adore, it’s evident that when the hours pass, time is the only thing left to waste. Panting above him, he carefully settles you next to him, spooning you and keeping his softening cock inside of you. This is how he wants to end every day, to wake up every morning.
Kissing your sweaty neck, he breathes you in, memorizing your scent once again. He knows his time with you is limited before someone notices his absence and begins to track him. Thomas needs to be two steps ahead of anyone. Your soft giggles make him smile, a genuine smile that feels so foreign to him. Under the darkness of your bedroom, his hands caress your hot skin, providing you with the heat and care he knows you crave.
“I love you” You whisper, closing your eyes and falling asleep rather quickly. He listens to your heavy breathing, peaceful and unbothered; and that’s how he wishes it could stay forever. Away from worries, stress, fear.
“I love you, more than you can imagine” He musters, hiding his face on the crook of your neck.
It’s true. Because love is such a funny word that gives him such a funny feeling.
A warm, fuzzy feeling.
He opens his eyes, raising his head to look at the windows. The curtains are wide open, the weak glow of the full moon casting a divine glow over your naked body. His lips land on your shoulder, allowing the sensation to wash over him. It's a moment of peace and serenity, a moment in time that will never be forgotten. A moment he doesn’t want to end.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow he will bring you back where you belong. It doesn’t matter the consequences, it doesn’t matter if the whole world finds out Thomas Shelby was the one who kidnaped Jack Nelson’s younger sister. As long as he has you, he is alive.
And he swears it to the moon.
#— ✏️ anya writes!#— 🚬 thomas shelby!#thomas shelby smut#thomas shelby x y/n#thomas shelby x reader#thomas shelby x reader smut#tommy shelby x you#tommy shelby smut#tommy shelby fanfic#thomas shelby x you#cillian murphy#cillian murphy x reader#cillian murphy smut#cillian x reader#tommy shelby#tommy shelby x reader
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Something I've been thinking about over the past week is that Rachel's expectation over whose death would fuck Jake up the hardest vs. whose death actually fucked Jake up the hardest wasn't right, and how that says so much about their characters and how it also hurts really badly.
Now, don't get me wrong: I'm not saying that Jake wasn't affected by losing Tom, because he very obviously was. Tom was his entire reason for joining the war in the first place and part of him held onto hope until the end that Tom could still be saved. And I'm also not saying that Rachel didn't think Jake didn't care about her at all, because that's not true either. She knows Jake does, but that he's doing what he has to do.
But when you think back to the conversation they have when Jake gives her the assignment, and he tells her that he won't have a way out for her, Rachel's concern for him isn't how her death would affect him, but Tom's. "It won't just be the yeerk. It'll be Tom." And while she acknowledges that of course Jake doesn't want her to die in her opening narration in book #54 and is making this call because he has to, at the same time there isn't a sense that Rachel thinks her death is going to be the one to hit him hardest here. It's Tom's, she's sure of it. Emotionally, Jake could afford to lose her, but Tom? That one gives her pause.
But one year after the war . . . again, Jake does still mourn Tom, obviously. He carries the guilt and grief of everything. But one of the strongest images of #54 that has always stuck with me is Jake sitting at Rachel's grave for several hours at a time, after hours, with regularity. It sticks out to me because you know Tom must have had a grave or memorial as well, I'm sure Jake's parents would've had one set up, but in all of Marco's stalking he doesn't see Jake sit and visit with it. Jake doesn't visit Tom. He visits Rachel.
And it just, to me, speaks to a complete subversion of Rachel's expectations, which were predicated on her own perception of how the rest of the team saw her. They "loved [her] in their way" but she was also a monster, blood thirsty, the garbage disposal, the one to do the dirty work. And she was as fine with that as she wasn't. (It was the biggest point of inner conflict for her—the war between her fear and her need to appear brave, her need to protect her friends from the gruesome vs her revulsion at what her actions said and made her out to be, etc.) Jake cared, sure, but also he saw her as a blood knight who might as well die in battle because that was her role, that was what SHE did, better her than anyone else on the team. Jake knew that, it would help him recover from his correct choice, far more than he could ever recover from losing Tom, who—unlike Rachel—was wholly innocent.
But Jake didn't recover. Because yes, he loved Tom and Tom was a wholly innocent victim from day one. And Rachel was overtly aggressive, and reckless, and part of her scared him, as much for her as anything else. But also, he talked to and fought and bled beside her for three traumatizing, agonizing years. They saw the best and worst of each other. Jake left her in charge when he had to leave on that trip. They talked about leadership after, about hard choices, understood each other on a level that would lead to that final choice in the last battle. Rachel couldn't see it because she couldn't see her value in the team as anything other than the brute and garbage disposal, but she WAS more than that, to Jake. She meant so much more to him than that, and it hurts so bad that she didn't realize it.
#animorphs#rachel berenson#jake berenson#tom berenson#again for great emphasis obviously jake cared a lot abt Tom too#but also part of him accepted Tom's loss way beforehand#and tbh by the end of the series he is way closer to Rachel than Tom#purely by circumstance of he's not interacted with Tom for 3 years#but he HAS with Rachel. in the most gruesome of ways#like the fact that it's Rachel's grave he constantly goes to . . . augh. the pain. the agonies#bc she never would have expected it.#tobias? of course. cassie visiting? yeah#jake??? no#anyway
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