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pretentious-librarian · 5 months ago

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ACOTAR Review

Unfortunately, I was not able to evade that cursed woman for as long as I had hoped. She got me, exploiting my greatest weakness in the way her own characters are exploited by that very same weakness throughout the book: fucking love. My best friend, the love of my life, has fallen victim to Sarah J. Maas and in her obsession she has forcibly dragged me down with her. Now that I think about it, my best friend is quite literally the only thing that could ever make me pick up a SJM book. So in the name of love, I subjected myself to booktok's finest (which isn't saying much given booktok's reputation) and here are my thoughts, namely the ones I couldn't bring myself to voice to my friend. After all, the whole point of even reading this in the first place was so that she could have someone to talk about it with. While I am not above pointing out it's flaws to her, I don't have it in me to spite the very thing she gets so much joy out of as deeply as I would've wanted to. Besides, who am I to talk as a Twilight enjoyer when I know damn well that series was a beloved dumpster fire just as much as ACOTAR is. And honestly, her love for the series and my love for her has dissolved some of my bias and frankly, distaste, for the book. And now on to the review.

Disclaimers: Spoilers, ADHD ramblings and tangents, ungodly amounts of pretentiousness from someone who doesn't usually enjoy fantasy, and yes I know this book functions as a prequel and the second book is way better (I started the second book last night, wish me luck)

ACOTAR felt juvenile in nearly every aspect. To be fair, I had just finished reading Mary Shelley's Frankenstien mere days before picking up ACOTAR so I had to remind myself to go into it with a level of graciousness. Yet all the graciousness in the world cannot override the horrific editing of that damn book. Attempting to fall in love with a whole new world and characters was incredibly difficult when the writer in me was literally dying inside. To be completely honest, I always evaluate the writing of any book I read, especially in the beginning. I'm not even going to discuss how the majority of the book drug its feet or worse, was filled with inescapable, constant monologuing. I could rant and rave about "show don't tell" for hours, which is why I am choosing not to spend more than two sentences talking about the god awful fucking monologuing (to be fair, I'm aware that slow starts and monologuing are often necessary in fantasy books but definitely not to this extent). But holy shit, there were way too many instances in which I was flung from my daydreams and smacked square in the face by the sheer... fanfiction-ness of her writing. Don't get me wrong, I ADORE fanfiction and I am a huge advocate for its existence and protection, especially as a purely anti-capitalist labor of love without a single care about the skill level at which it was written. But when I pick up a viral #1 New York Times Best Selling Author's book, the last thing I am expecting to see is such elementary writing--that I firmly believe could've been rectified if she had hired an editor that was even half decent at their job. My qualifications for making such a claim? Even I have edited a full-length fantasy novel and unfortunately, it took many harsh reminders from my best friend to at least attempt to focus on the story rather than obsess over all the changes I would've personally made before I considered the book decent enough for publishing.

THAT SAID: One of the reasons I always gravitate towards fanfiction when I'm in a reading slump is because it's just so... digestible. ACOTAR was also digestable in a very similar way, which is sort of what made it possible for me to finish it in about four days. Honestly, (aside from my autistic ass struggling to connect with a brand new fantasy world and characters I feel fundamentally estranged from) the fanfiction-ness of the writing made me feel the same as when I'm watching reality TV: aware of the quality but choosing to have a good time with it anyways. Because my friend loved this book so much, I desperately wanted it to be good. But once I accepted that the writing was mid, as well as a good bit of the plot and the characters, I was able to enjoy myself enough to lose myself in the story, no matter how much the pretentious bitch inside kept trying to claw her way to the forefront of my thoughts. It was almost freeing to subject myself to such a juvenile piece of literature. Speaking of, there is one aspect of it's juvenility that I will not explore, but rather, let Robert Pattinson's reaction to reading the Twilight books to voice the principle of those thoughts instead:

"I was convinced Stephanie was convinced she was Bella, and it was like it was a book that wasn't supposed to be published. You're like, reading her sort of, like, sexual fantasy about some...really sexy guy and she just writes this book about it. And like, some things about Edward is [are] so specific, it was like I was just convinced that...this woman is mad! She's completely mad, and she's in love with her own fictional creation. And like, sometimes you...feel, like, uncomfortable reading this thing! And I think a lot of people feel that is...in the same way kind of voyeuristic and and it creates this...kind of like, a sick pleasure in a lot of ways".

Although this sentiment about ACOTAR may not be exceptionally widespread, personally, as a far-left rad-fem socialist who has spent years learning to decenter men, some of what Rob said resonated with me. Despite that this type of book is not particularly appealing to me personally, that doesn't mean it's inherently bad quality (but can easily bar it from being good quality), and this aspect definitely would've connected to my younger self before I became a chronically online femen@zi.

Moving on. The pretentious bitch inside me couldn't help but quietly take note of what was executed nicely and what was not, even as I was doing my best to go with the flow. I might as well go ahead and discuss what else I liked about it before I'm written off completely. I adored the imagery and sensory details--it's truly what made the experience good enough to keep reading. Her descriptions really draw the reader in and make them feel like they're right there with characters, in the good times and the bad ones too. I definitely don't have aphantasia and am a chronic day dreamer so I absolutely love descriptive books. Colors, sensations, emotions, all of it. I loved and hated the way I felt genuine emotions in all kinds of scenes (hated not because I'm a bitter hater, but hated because I can't help but feel everything any character I'm reading about is feeling--good, bad, or otherwise. And boy did Feyre go through some shit). Typically, books that can make me feel deeply are the best books but in this case, it acted more as a saving grace, especially because most of those feelings that were present in this book, though intense, lacked a certain type of depth I tend to gravitate towards.

Another thing I liked was Lucien! Lucien is by far my favorite character, not because he's particularly extraordinary, but because he feels...real? rather than being another one of SJM's romantic projections. (Sorry the writing style changed half way through, I was lowkey writing like SJM because I thought it was funny but I got tired of that real quick.) In the same vein, every now and then Feyre would get real as fuck, which was greatly appriciated when reading about such intense situations. Nightmares feel like a cheap excuse to avoid having to deal with your MC being traumatized because it's not uncommon for nightmares to be one of the only aspects of trauma focused by YA/new adult writers as well as a trojan horse a romantic scene. ACOTAR felt more believable (or maybe the word is genuine?) because Feyre dealt with real consequences from her trauma such as DSM-5 accurate depression, chronic low self esteem, mistrust, trauma bonding, etc. Lastly, I can't tell if I loved or hated the way SJM tied up all the loose ends (excluding some intentional cliffhangers). On one hand, it was satisfying as a reader to not have found any glaring plot holes yet I can't shake the feeling that she was making it up as she went. Source: trust me bro

As for Feyre's flaws, I feel that other readers have already explored in those depth and I don't feel the need to keep beating a dead horse. Same goes for Tamlin--I didn't find him all that interesting or charming even when Feyre was falling for him, so my already subpar opinion of him got worse and worse and will likely continue to do so as I continue reading the second book. He is so incredibly immature I can hardly stand it. Don't even get me started on how he always wants to fuck and thinks that suffices as an expression of love and care for Feyre. Even if that's technically not how it is, that is definitely how it read. To be clear, I'm pretty sure readers aren't meant to adore Tamlin; my issue is that Feyre goes through hell for someone so mid and we as readers are supposed to think her love and devotion are justified.

Now, let's get back to some hardcore griping! Amarantha's villain origin story makes sense until you actually meet her. Interacting with her felt like interacting with a cartoon villain from a shitty kids show. She was terrifyingly sadistic yet the justification for it was too weak to uphold her sadism. She felt like evil personified rather than a fleshed out person suffering the human condition (I know she's not human but you know what I mean). Good villains don't have to be redeemable, but they do have to be somewhat believable. These fae are all centuries old and have been through so much but somehow lack the emotional maturity I gained at the ripe age of seventeen?! I too have been a woman scorned enough to do make some interesting choices but jesus christ, Amarantha, it's really not that deep. Maybe it's the trauma that makes them like that, because I certainly have not endured what they have, nor have I ever held the amount of power they wield and I will never be able to fully comprehend what that does to a person. So who am I to talk. Anyways, I could ramble endlessly about Amarantha's shortcomings as a character but I think I've touched on her most glaring offenses.

Ugh. Now I'm gonna acknowledge that damn riddle and Tamlin's heart of stone concept that was executed so, so...let's just say, uniquely. When I read Amarantha's riddle, I came up with an answer so quickly that I was certain was it was incorrect. My personal belief system is centered around love (obviously not just the romantic kind) so I thought maybe I was biased since I try to see love in everything, not to mention the answer I had come up with seemed way too on the nose, given Feyre's circumstances and how much of the plot was driven by romance/love/attachment. But to my surprise and simultaneous disappointment, the answer to the riddle was love. I feel like even Feyre should've got that because of her Amarantha-enforced circumstances. And as for Tamlin's heart of stone--that Feyre figured out surprisingly easily even though she couldn't figure out that obvious riddle--it certainly wasn't something I was predicting, and the concept of it felt a little...elementary? Not because it was predictable or anything, but because of how squarely SJM looked that heart of stone metaphor in the face and decided to... well... do that....

I'm just glad she made Feyre grapple with her decision to kill the two innocents and let it haunt her afterwards, especially when her motives are called into question. She loves Tamlin (somehow. but maybe I'm just a manhater) which is what drives her to do what she does and what puts her in direct conflict with Amarantha but I'm just glad SJM bothered to create circumstances that let Feyre's selfishness (I'm not saying I would or wouldn't have done the same thing in her circumstance) also happen to benefit the entire kingdom-world thing. Basically I feel fundamentally estranged from Feyre because I see the value of all people and would like to think I'd do the right thing based on love and respect for all living things rather than for a whiny man child. I feel like I'm getting sidetracked somehow.

TW: SA

I'm hesitant to even talk about Rhysand because I'm not sure I fully understand him as a character yet. However, I love him as a character so far even if I don't love him/his personality that much. He felt developed in ways other characters didn't, similar to Lucien but I actually liked Lucien's personality from the start, even when he pisses me off sometimes. But on the topic of Rhysand, I was uncomfortable with how SJM wrote about SA in general. As a woman, I'm certainly not unfamiliar with the topic and have had my own share of experiences, although I will honestly admit that I haven't had any big T trauma in that area of my own life so this may not be my place to discuss this. That may also be why I can't quite put my finger on what about the way SJM wrote about SA bothered me. All I know is that something about it rubbed me the wrong way, almost as if it bordered on disrespect. But again, I'm not entirely sure.

In conclusion, my best friend just texted me not five seconds ago: "I think you just have a hard time comprehending that people write fun little fantasy stories simply because maybe they just like writing fun little fantasy stories". And she would be correct. I am too pretentious to truly love and appreciate this series the way it was meant to be. I've always felt the need to look deeper in anything that I enjoy, I've always felt the need to connect personally with each work of art I choose to dedicate my time to. I am first and foremost a Supernatural fan if that tells you anything, and even my love for Twilight grew from a specific, deep personal connection I had the concept and characters. I have just driven myself mad trying to figure out why this book was written, why I as a reader should care, and what exactly fueled SJM with so much passion that she felt the need to write an entire series (which is why I'm suspecting she wrote it as a self indulgent piece; that's the only logical explanation I can come up with, anyway). ACOTAR was not written for me and that is okay. It doesn't help that I tend to avoid fantasy as a genre anyways. Yet, I'm going to keep reading it. Because I still managed to have a good time with the story and characters, and of course, I'm going to thug it out no matter what because I love my best friend. Lastly, one thing SJM did a good job with was, in spite of it all, making me curious enough about what happens next to genuinely want to read the next book.

edit: it’s been a few days and ive gotten further into the second book. sjm really got her act together, that’s for sure. im beginning to understand why people obsess over this series. it’s a shame the first book is such a dumpster fire but im glad the story is redeemed in the rest of series (fingers crossed); the characters and world building had so much potential and im extremely happy to see sjm giving them the writing they deserve in the second book. with this new perspective i also realized that acotar was so genuinely awful that it literally made it impossible for me wrap my head around why she wrote it. thank god she get her shit together so that i can finally see the beauty of the series

#acotar #a court of thorns and roses #book review #feyre #tamlin #rhysand #amarantha

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beardedmrbean · 10 months ago

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We should give California back to Mexico. Here a video of it https://twitter.com/TheEbonyMaw/status/1745122746063835323?t=__J1UmXK6FhwEHSYIzTN2w&s=19

And their chanting “Free Palestine” my god this is chicken for KFC

How the fuck did my autistic ass miss this

Nobody ever seems to ask hamass to stop shooting, not in any great number at least, it's always Israel that needs to stop for some reason.

Which is insane since they aren't really the one that starts the shooting except that one time they did the preemptive attack on egypt over 50 years ago.

Not really a mystery why for the people that are leading the chants at least.

But maybe just once they should give that at try, you know asking the person that started the war by invading another country and then violated the ceasefire that was arranged to stop shooting and institute a ceasefire.

Also, always love the 'give X back to Mexico' as if Mexico isn't a country that started out the exact same way the US and every other country in the Americas did. That and we paid a fair price at the time for it, so Mexico can make a offer to buy it back maybe.

These people have black holes occupying the parts of their brains regular folks have dedicated to common sense and the ability to make reasoned judgements.

#anonymous

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tasteofgummies · 2 years ago

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Cool! May I request an aromantic!jotaro getting a hardcore squish on a nonbinary, cool but shy classmate that dreams of being a conservation biologist? Like he wants a queerplatonic relationship with them but doesn’t know how to go about it (this is kujo we’re talking about he struggles with the feels). It doesn’t help that they’re oblivious to his uncharacteristic interest in them (though they think his presence is nice) and he’s trying his best to get to know them without being an ass. How does their relationship come to be?

Fun fact: I had to force myself to sit down and actually write this, because I was so excited about it that I would just start to do stimming, flapping my hands and giggling, which obviously didn't help me write 💀

This happens after the Egypt trip, in which everyone survived and Jotaro went back to school and meet reader

I wanted to get more in depth about the conservation biologist part, but it was already so long:/

I slipped in a bit of autistic!Jotaro because there's no way this dude is neurotypical

Red: Kakyoin

Blue: Jotaro

Aromantic!Jotaro x nb!classmate!reader 🤍

Cw: none, but is long

>Jotaro probably wouldn't realize he's aro, like some people, (it's me, I'm some people) he thinks it just hasn't happened yet, or that he doesn't know anyone good enough

>It's Kakyoin who probably tells him there's such thing as being aromantic, and not everyone experiences romantic attraction. Jotaro is okay with this, he kinda grew up knowing that he was different, so it isn't a shock to realize "oh, something else I don't get"

>He's pretty neutral about it, he never envisioned his happiness being tied to romantic love in the first place

>So he kept his routine, skipping class, getting in fights, hanging out with his new friend, staring at his classmate... Staring at his classmate?

>You were a new student, and pretty much since you set foot in this school, everyone told you to stay away from Jotaro, some were interested in him and didn't want any more rivals, some were looking after you, thinking he may be a bad influence

>He had quite a reputation, even though it was hard to spot him around the school, he didn't left the building, but still, he never entered the classroom

>You also saw him around Noriaki Kakyoin a lot, it was weird because Kakyoin was nice, helped you around when you were lost, and didn't yell at anyone

>So you had three ways to see this situation: first, that Kakyoin was not as good as you thought, that Jotaro was some sort of charity work for Kakyoin, or that Jotaro wasn't as bad as you thought

>I mean, judging someone just for rumors was a bad thing to do, but it's not like you were planning on approaching him anytime soon

>Until you got paired in a biology project (the only class Jotaro ever attended)

>Some envied you, some pitied you

>You had many subjects to chose from, however-

>"Starfishes." Jotaro said, making a little bit too much of eye contact

>"Huh?"

>"The subject for the project. We're doing starfishes" he left little to no room to protest, and you complied

>Doing the project, you two found out how similar you were in many things

>And Jotaro could be harsh, and not really comprehend social interaction as a whole, but he was fair and comfortable to be around

>You even started hanging out after the project was done!

>"And... So we went to the aquarium." His usually tanned skin was now glowing red, but maintaining a deadpan expression

>"So you're dating them, uh" Noriaki said "Didn't thought you would go for the shy type" he was calmly eating his lunch while Jotaro seemed to get neon red now

>"I don't know what you're talking about, seriously. Besides, it's like I can fall in love or something like that"

>"You can still be interested in sharing other parts of your life with someone"

>"They're just a friend."

>"Do you wanna take me to a café and the aquarium then?~" Kakyoin teased, for a boy that had no friends a couple months before, he sure had gotten confident

>"Not really. It's not the same"

>"Then you have your answer"

>Cue a very flustered JoJo and Kakyoin walking away smiling

>Kakyoin enjoys teasing his friend, but won't intercede and play matchmaker, Jotaro has charmed half of the school, sure he can get you without help, right? Right?

>No, no, he can't

>After (a month) he realized that what he wanted from you was a queerplatonic relationship, he wanted to have different experiences with you, to express his love in a deeper way

>But he got way to nervous to come near you, plus all the loud people disturbing him when he entered school

>To everyone, it was obvious Jotaro felt something for you, he avoided your gaze, got red when you complimented him, you could hear him saying his catchphrase way more often while hiding smiles under his hat, it was embarrassing, maybe even a little pathetic

>And there were you, completely oblivious

>"JoJo, why are you wearing that coat? It's hot outside, and you're all red, just drop the fashion statement and let yourself breathe" you said, confused

>"Y/N is right, spring is starting, maybe you could wear something more season appropriate" Before his friend could reply, he looked at you and politely smiled, "Don't you think the cherry blossoms look beautiful in spring, Y/N? It's like love is in the air"

>"Allergies are in air, that's for sure" you sneezed while Kakyoin laughed at you (affectionately)

>He plans on just accepting that limbo of "my feelings are too strong for a friend, too feeble for a lover"

>This would have continued if you hadn't met the hero of this story

>Jean-Pierre Polnareff!!! (Also known as a nosy friend)

>It was a get together with Pol, Joseph, and Jotaro (more like Joseph coming out the blue with Polnareff)

>And since this was an unexpected visit, you were casually hanging out in Kujo residence too

>When they came in, you offered to leave, but Holly didn't allow you to, she already cooked dinner for you! Please stay 🥺

>With these troublemakers, and no sane person to stop them at the table, the night went full of comments about how different Jotaro was with you

>As obvious as it was, you didn't notice, I mean, you were the same age, and were hanging out, just the two of you at his house, it's understandable that it may cause some confusion

>But in-between bites of Holly's food, Polnareff said "Oh, now I get it, this is the classmate Kakyoin told us about, now I get why Jotaro wants to date them"

>Silence, absolute silence

>Jotaro yelled at Polnareff to shut the fuck up, and left the table

>You went after him, in part because you wanted to help, and also because you have never been more embarrassed

>You found him smoking in the gardens

>"Sorry about that nosy bastard", he took another puff of his cigarette and then spoke "And just so you don't get uncomfortable, I don't want to date you"

>"You don't?" You asked, dissatisfied with the results of the day

>"Don't look at me like that, I do like you. But- I'm not in love with you, I can't feel it that strongly, strong enough to have a normal relationship with you" he looked down

>"Do you want me by your side? As more than a friend?" You inquired, praying this wouldn't end in rejection for you, after all, it was a pretty bold question

>"Yes."

>Then it doesn't need to be a normal relationship, JoJo."

>He finally looked you in the eye, and you wrapped your arms around him

>He didn't say anything, but even you could guess what his answer was

#no beta we die like men #jjba headcanons #jojo headcanons #jjba x reader #jjba #jotaro x reader #jotaro kujo x reader #jotaro kujo #jotaro kujo x you #jotaro kujo headcanons

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heartshapedcreaturefromcriptoon · 22 days ago

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Yo since a supposed fan of Hazbin just legit kinda called my crippled ass "insane" for the crime off riffing of their hazbin post in the Hazbin Hotel tags with my own commentary, I was thinking about having a sense of whimsy and (finally) finding like at least an AMV to Daisies by Black Gyph0n .... The only problem is I've kind of grown to despise Gabriel C. Brown and Micheal Kovach and his cult... And despite having absolutely no beef whatsoever with our Pilot Girlies and still loving them to pieces ..... I honestly couldn't even bring myself to so much as try to listen to "Thank You! Goodnight!" or whatever it was because I was just so disappointed in all but one of The Pilot Boys behaviors regarding/after/during the recasting process and I realized it was mostly just a move to smooth the waters and make everything "okay" ... But I just didn't wanna deal with reading any of the inevitable whining in the comments and I just don't fuck with having a parasocial relationship with any of the cast members of this series and of course the one boy in the pilot cast that I did just so happen to not so accidentally catch a lil' teensy bit of a crush on just like probably the majority of y'all can admit to at this point and thus I'm doing everything in my power not to perceive him parasocially outside of my personal relationship to his voice work and to his characters in fanart and on screen ... Just wasn't there, like he wasn't even featured in that "Fair Well Song"!

SO! Ya' see, case and goddamn fucking point of this post before God forbid someone accuses of me of going on a seemingly unrelated "Insane" tangent on fuckin' tumblah' dot com ofs' alls' places...'!

Listening to "Daisies" doesn't seem right to me...

Listening to anything Hazbin related by Black Gyph0n post Hazbin Recast and Canon Series just doesn't seem right to me and just feels like a snub to Amir Talai and riding on him and Bosco's coat tails and it smells like someones unable to move on and I always thought "Insane" was overrated and over hyped anyway and actually hearing Bosco in "Radio Play" was much better and more sincere, if you will... Until Brown came in with his try-hard wannabe 6th Moroon5 Member bullshit and almost ruined the whole thing thing for and--

OOOOOH... my god? Disappointed, not in the least goddamn fucking bit surprised, honestly...

Oh, 4months okay good. Great. Oooh... Now I just have brave the dread of looking up The Better Pilot Voice Actor AND Singers' statements/opinions on this (if any have been given) and brace the agonizing 5 stages of grief of The Crush crushing my heart accordingly... Forgive me for this bit of "dark humor" given the context of this gif everyone, but all that's going through my mind now is:

And you know? Fuck it! It's Halloween and when I think "YOU", of course you all know I'm thinking of...

And yes I picked out the picture with the saxophone specifically because something tells me he'd appreciate.... Being remembered like this... :D

Please don't be about to tell me he's more of a stale old piece of Meatloaf IRL internet I very nearly love him! 🙏💔

... This would make a very cute quirky new MLP meme, actually, if you can't say anything nice or in support of victims because of awkward social obligations as the only true indie professional in this indie youtube game, cut off Gabriel C. Brown but keep your mouth shut! 🤐👀

Oh!

And of course you'd claim the nazi invented version of Autistic with a fuck ass haircut like that, thanks Gabe! You and Neil Gaiman!

And I know Medrano isn't obligated to give an answer to any of this but oh gee! I wonder why our resident neo nazi simp and Big Name Fan/dumb dramaz reporter and overlord incel of hazbin youtube ayylmao.tv just hasn't fandumb reported on this one yet, huh?! Because this one seems like doozy that would actually matter to people!

Oh yeah, the pissed off tone of this post was because I was about to go on a tangent about what the fuck "creating two separate canons through fanon work by retired voice actors" would mean for the fandom because I was elated to find out that Amir Talai was apparently the singing voice of this new song with Gabe as the writer but then upon further inspection I realize IT'S JUST A GODDAMN FUCKING AI COVER OF GABE'S UNNEEDED "FAN SONG" STEALING AMIR'S VOICE!!!!! WHICH JUST PROVES MY MISGIVINGS OF RETIRED TALENT CLINGING TO OLD RENDITIONS OF OLD CHARACTERS THEY'VE LONG SINCE PARTED FROM FOR DEAR LIFE AND SOCIAL RELEVANCE IN THE FANDUMB TO BE VALID!!!!!! AND SO THEN I GOOGLE IF THERE WERE ANY NEW CONTROVERSY AN OLD HAS-BEEN MIGHT'VE WANTED TO DISTRACT US FROM LATELY BY JINGLING SOME BAD NEW ELECTRO SWING IN FRONT OF US AND I FIND-- THAT!

So now I know that it is in fact just a distraction and I will NOT be engaging because the reason this thing exists is so much much worse than AI fodder that didn't need to be made-- It's a manipulative distraction that didn't need to be made from the SA allegations that had to... And much like I'm dreading the things I'll find once I look into this further..... I'm also dreading the inevitability of eventually coming across this Shitty Distraction Song (and it's Shitty AI Cover) going viral in videos and other snippets now (albeit just a little bit less...)

But yes... This shit?

THIS! Is why I also feel the need to always google The Crushes name before I post anything praising his decorum or his voice noises in this fandumb, because maybe one day, the ice will break for both our Elder Bambi's, instead of just the one, and that one King might tumble down into the same fiery bit of failure that the disgraced prince Gabriel Black Gryph0n is in right now, and then all we'll be left with is Our One True King of Woke Dad Cringe, Amir, who delivered us from the godforsaken "REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSS!!!!!!!" of the cringy hunicast of Hazbin's past, unless of course, in good faith towards our Bisexual Vibe Giving, Intellectual Hottie Hot Hottie Talai now, I don't even wanna say it's a possibility though it's unfortunately crossing my due to the circumstances getting this dark and having me doubt spiraling right now and I want it out! So do forgive me for at least writing my worries down... 💀❤️‍🩹🙏

🎶Writing my worries, writing my cares...🎶

For the record, I'm a 30 year old Queerdo Adult who thinks that every single member of the current Hazbin Hotel Cast is so emotionally mature and just so physically and intellectually attractive and hot to me and I can't find more of a way to more respectively say that it's my right to find these mature adult actors and their beautiful souls that shine through just like? Attractive to me as an adult and like, I'm sorry that expressing a a sense of queer desire towards Real Actors on a semi private/small blog in the fandom tags for a queer cartoon but not just making everything about wanting to fuck cartoon characters and talking about how beautiful I find the real people behind them are instead for once, might read "weird" to you... But just like...

Those people are Goddesses and Gods, now I'm worried about my One Straight White YouTube Man I allowed myself to catch para social feefees for on what felt like a wild exposure therapy trip that at first felt like a weird "rebound crush" that I knew would be a byproduct of said Exposure Therapy if I decided take myself any further with The Experiment and no I will not be elaborating on what that is or what the fuck I'm talking about because, at the time, I was too wrapped in my own complicated feelings and experiencing a whirled wind of emotions and allowing myself to process through what it all meant. And I'm not ready process through all that and explain it now, but one day, sometime after it's done, I hope to.

All I can say for now about said Experiment is it has worked, and is still working for me, and although I am still hurting I know I am healing, and if I wasn't, I wouldn't be acknowledging this much so there's my proof of work right there.

And if news about someone else's sexual misconduct and certain "support" they might be getting and who may or may not be doing it is about to break my heart again, albeit on a much smaller scale, then I know I'll be alright again because I've got all of you and me and we have each other!

(Not the gif that I wanted but you get the point and it might more accurate for the feelings this post invokes/implies...)

Anyway, this post is ending on a much less raging, anxiety filled, fearful note than I intended it to considering the circumstances, so I think that I'm going to go to bed now and process through the findings and feelings brought on by this complicated mess tomorrow. Stay strong and goodnight, fam, just remember that I love all the friends I made being here more than anything and that I'm never leaving, no matter what happens! 💖💋 X.O

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catoi-calamari · 1 year ago

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I’m dying out here, the gradual enshittification of all products is killing me. Could you please share your knowledge of brands that actually make good, durable clothing items? Tsym!!!

The Big One v3.0:More Boots!

>Blundstone

>Thursday Boot Co

This version is focused mainly on work/masc clothing . If anyone has recommendations for more decorative/femme clothing, please share them with me so I can update the post :)

Make sure to check the version number if you see this in the wild, it may have updated!

Recommendations marked with an asterisk (*) means I have no personal experience with them, but I've heard enough good things that I added them to the list.

1. Shirts/Tops

First of all, I'm a huge whore for 100% cotton, but in theory polyester will last longer. On the other hand, polyester will last forever, seeping into fish and local blood streams for millenia to come. Second of all, if you want cool graphics then I'd highly recommend doing it yourself. I'd say the easiest options for getting reliable, long lasting graphic tees are screen printing, tie dye and vinyl decals, but this depends on what resources you have access to. Keep in mind this is for shirts that you'll (hopefully) be able to wear for over a decade since really any decent cotton tee will last a decent amount of time.

Recommendations

-ASCOLOR

These are the best blank t shirts I've found, period. Stitching is great, the fabric is thick, and from what I can tell they're slightly more inclined to ethical production than your average mass produced T-shirts. They also sell nice jackets and coats as well!

I might try out a couple of pairs of pants from them to see what's up.

Band Tees

For some reason these tend to be really solid, depending on how big the artist in question is. Usually printed on Gildan, which ain't bad. They are expensive though, which means they may not be as great of a deal

This would be the section where I talked about stuff that isn't just t shirts but idk any brands that make consistently durable examples for a good price.

2. Pants

I would recommend a maximum of 1-2% elastane if you're getting skinny jeans, otherwise it's 100% cotton denim baby. Durability decrease exponentially the higher percentage of non-denim there is.

Also, I highly recommend selvage jeans if you can afford them. They use a tighter knit and are made to be worn in.

For cargo pants, get something that's thick and has ripstip material.

Recommendations

-Levi's

The lowest in price I would go tbh. I recommend the 502s since they're 100% cotton but 511s have been a staple of the street fashion world for a while. They're skinnier jeans ain't bad either, but I feel like they're starting to hit the edge of being too thin.

-The Unbranded Brand

Focused solely on getting the price of selvage jeans down to affordable levels. Fair warning, I bought a pair of black jeans (with 1% elastane) and the formaldehyde smell still hasn't gone away. I have an indigo pair that smell fine though, and besides that they're my favorite pairs of jeans.

5.11

Now most """Tactical Apparel""" stores tend to be a bit...off, but since this is a post about durable clothing, I gotta mention the probably undiagnosed autistic guys with a special interest in manly man pants. I have a pair of 5.11 Canvas Cargo Pants and I've taken these things camping, through outdoor airsoft fields, and underground deathcore moshpits. The bastards still looked mint when I finally handed them off to my partner because my ass got too juicy to wear them and gave me a blister when I spent all morning working for a landscaper. (That job was the final straw in my anti-lawn radicalization arc btw.)

To reiterate, I would look for anything that's ripstip and not paper thin. Nylon also works but the texture sucks.

Duluth Trading Co.*

Carhartt if they didn't sell out, from what I've heard

Insert Mid Level Selvage Jean brand that's about $150-$250 a pair*

3. Shoes

Always invest in whatever goes between you and the ground. This goes for mattresses and chairs as well. And for fucks sake get something that can be resoled, and find a cobbler near you. Also look up the Sam Vines Boot Theory of Economics.

Recommendations

Vans

Unlike converse, I've only ever bought one pair. The problem with Vans is the lack of impact absorption, something that can be fixed with aftermarket inserts in theory. Old-Skools take insoles fairly well. Their ComfyCush line is aimed at fixing this problem but I haven't tried any of them. I did get a pair of Ultraranges recently and they seem decently durable, but I've yet to really start wearing into them.

Any skate shoes in general*

Theyre made to be dragged across concrete at relatively high speeds. Try to go for suede.

Solovair*

Now, I have beef with Doc Martens since they sold out, but they're still cheap, comfortable, and made out of leather, which is all you need. Anything lower and I would argue that it's too cheap. However, they can't be resoled, they're leather is kind of thin, and they definitely have a fast fashion mindset.

Solovair is a company that uses the original factories in England to make their own line of lookalikes, for a slightly higher price and slightly higher quality. I've heard their customer service is shit.

Redwing*

I have heard nothing but praise for these. I'm going to buy a pair of Supersole 2.0s once my current pair (which didn't make the list since they kinda went downhill) finally bite it.

Danner*

Another popular recommendation for leather boots.

There is a queer owned boot brand that has canvas and leather boots that are relatively cheap and have cool art but I forgot the name

3. Socks

Blundstones*

Chelsea boots but austrialian

Basically either get Darn Tough* or Point6 some decent socks from whatever brand works for you. I highly recommend merino wool hiking socks, and I just wear cotton socks during the summer.

4. Underwear

You do wear underwear, right?

Recommendations

TomboyX

Queer-owned business catered towards gnc people. Their stuff is dope, high quality, and made in the US with livable wages for their employees. Highly recommend.

5. Specialty

From cold weather gear to military surplus, this section covers everything else.

Recommendations

Patagonia*

I'm still amazed they're this popular and have this much of a focus on sustainability and longevity. Their sibling, North Face, definitely fell into the consumerism pit years ago but Patagonia has still been chugging along.

Military Surplus

I feel a bit guilty for gatekeeping the specific companies I like, but if you go to the right places (eBay) you can get durable clothing for SUPER cheap. It's usually not the highest quality, but it's better than the same thing from an outlet mall.

Chrome

Mainly a bicycling brand, their bags are the kind of things that last a stupidly long time. The internals of them aren't amazing, mainly just an empty main cavity with a laptop sleeve and a smaller separate pocket, but all of their stuff is rock solid. They also have a solid warranty as well.

Swiss Army

Yes, the knife guys. They haven't changed their looks since the late 90s but their backpacks are designed amazingly well. They also have a limited lifetime warranty. I've noticed some cosmetic wear on mine after a few months of using it pretty roughly, thankfully it's just skin-deep stuff but it's also different to older examples I've seen. Definitely more suited towards carrying books and folders.

#sorry this took so long lol #fast fashion #clothes #consumerism #certified og catoi post

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thegeminisage · 2 months ago

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star trek update time i am sooo behind. thursday we did voy's "drone" and ds9's "take me out to the holosuite," friday we did voy's "extreme risk" and ds9's "chrysalis," saturday we did voy's "in the flesh" and ds9's "treachery, faith, and the great river," last night we did voy's "once upon a time" and ds9's "once more unto the breach," and tonight we did ds9's "the siege of ar-588"

drone (voy):

this is kinda like the episode of tng with data's daughter but (sorry) better. you've got the robotic, inhuman character more or less having an awkward, adult-like offspring who they come to love very dearly in a short amount of time being taken from them tragically. which i did call, by the way

i did think the little guy was gonna wind up betraying them due to like the temptation of the borg or whatever so it was really satisfying when he fucked them up instead

also, borg SPHERE? where did they assimilate that from? the death star, ONCE?

"abort that thang" jokes plentiful in this episode's first half. thank you star trek

janeway meeting him was very sweet. i liked that she treated him really niceys it was so much nicer than picard being a little bitch to data about his daughter

when seven said voyager was her collective 😭

the standout part of this episode to me was the bookend of "you are hurting me," delivered in different ways and meant in different ways. i forget that jeri ryan can like. act. but she can and she hurt my feeeelings

take me out to the holosuite (ds9):

FINALLY the sports movie episode we had been waiting for............

ten out of fucking ten no question. every word of this episode contained ten more words. fucking fantastic

the arc with sisko getting to into it bc of past drama and not letting rom play because he sucked. everyone agreeing to quit on rom's behalf. REPEAT: KIRA NERYS WAS GOING TO QUIT JESUS'S BASEBALL TEAM IN PROTEST. sisko being like kassidy do NOT tell them about my wretched past and the slam cut to her immediately narcing on him. odo's umpire motions <3

actually, odo's everything. he got so fucking into being ump because he cares about rules and fairness to a degree that is truly autistic. which makes it the PERFECT setup for him booting sisko out for touching the ref and THEN ALSO BOOTING THE VULCAN OUT. like every scene continues to get funnier and funnier

i kept thinking they would cheat. but celebrating being a bunch of losers who only got a point because rom accidentally bunted a shot is even better. no, you can't win a baseball game against vulcans, but there are other ways to win against them. at the end, when they were all shit talking him, i FELT leonard mccoy in that room. he was called back from the great beyond to embody the spirit of bullying punk ass vulcans. and honestly? after all those years of playing hard mode (needling spock) a guy like this is kind of easy pickings. child's play to laugh that little bitch out of the room. chefs kiss

extreme risk (voy):

TIME TO EAT MY WORDS. i was recently making fun of trek's history re: mental health bc of ezri in ds9 🙄 but every so often voyager will get plucky and show ds9 up when ds9 is having an off day. (and see, this never happened with tng!) this was one of those times.

like, sure, yeah, the language was a little dumbed down to make sure it was understood by people who have never had a word of conversation about mental health in their entire lives, and it could have been paced a little better, and holodeck safeties are always maddeningly illogical, but the acting was great, the concern was great, the explanation of numbness rather than sadness because there just isn't anymore sad left in her was fantastic

like when b'elanna was like yeah i don't care and janeway says okay now i know there's something wrong. AAAUGHGHGHG

and she gets to save the day in the end! i also found this a little unrealistic, but you only have 45 minutes to work with, you know? more realistic was like, her little jab at chakotay again about threatening to break his neck that you could still was a little half-hearted

also, like, whatever they had going on in that holodeck...chakotay and b'elanna coulda been in. i obviously prefer jc and i don't mind her with tom as much as i used to but wow they had some serious chemistry happening there.

oh oh and before i forget...neelix being really nice to her because he also just had his own mental health crisis :( <3 that episode did so much for him. wah.

LAST THING. i almost forgot this too. it was really funyn that tom paris tried to put spoilers on the new shuttle and tuvok logicked them away. i'll think about it every time i see the shuttle from now on. but also, kind of badass that trapped out there they can just design and build a brand new kind of shuttle ON THEIR OWN without any help. you kind of forget they're all geniuses because they are so god damn stupid

chrysalis (ds9):

I CANNOT BELIEVE THE AUTISM GANG IS BACK IN TOWN

what a great treat...i was initially so wary of them and wound up loving them so much by the end BECAUSE of how offputting they are so seeing them again was amazing

i loved this arc, too, even though i think it could have never worked between them cuz HE IS HER DOCTOR but like. even this would have been better than julian and ezri

i was sooo worried this would be a flowers for algernon sitch and they faked me out like two times but no thank god her quality of life just gets to stay improved

the singing section went on for a little too long but it's just the right kind of like. slightly cringe but also wholesome kind of vibes these guys bring to the table

idk it's just so sweet. they were so happy to see her after she got the ability to talk like you can tell they genuinely love her so much. it really sucks that they aren't allowed to like, go out and live on their own, but their characters are treated with so much compassion i enjoyed every second of them being onscreen <3

in the flesh (voy):

EVIL BOOTHBY EVIL BOOTHBY like why is that so fucking funny

i don't like tng cameos. but it's funny that this alien was using friendly old boothby language to talk about like world domination or what the fuck ever. it's so wildly stupid

loved chakotay kissing the alien also. he really did wince and only then decide once it was inevitable to put his back into it, so to speak. captain kirk moment for sure

also funny how the rest of the cast was like. ha ha chakotay why don't you kiss and tell. and janeway like ha ha how was your date. like this was all totally normal

and lest we forget: VULCAN NIGHTCLUB PON FARR NIGHT. i really thought this was a fandom joke. i had no idea voyager did it first. sent me into absolute fucking hysterics i can't believe they WENT and we didn't get to see it. i refuse to believe that this is not a thing that happens on the real earth, also

loved seven getting all twitchy around those aliens since they always scared the shit out of the borg <3 and then when she was like wow janeway you really impressed me! gay.

treachery, faith, and the great river (ds9):

I LOOOVED THIS ONE WOW

first of all we have to say it nog is so fucking good. what a long way he's come, you know? like you know the whole time he's gonna come thru for obrien but it just gets funnier and funnier the deeper obrien gets into it. rom makes a bad ferengi but nog would have made a GREAT ferengi except he literally chose to do starfleet. king

weyoun six my beloved............like, at first i was devastated weyoun five was out because i loved that little freak but 1. extremely funny that damar killed him 2. FUNNIER STILL that damar killed him and he shows up to work the next day but he's weyoun six 3. and weyoun six is the saddest wettest cat who ever lived. like that's WORSE somehow and all damar can do is be alcoholic about it. he's like connor from detroit become human. you kill him and a more horrible version breaks into your house the next day. sorry for bringing up detroit become human

anyway, weyoun six was great. i love that he was like odo i just wanna stare at you for 14 hours without stopping. odo i think you're fascinating. odo you have to live. so true. me too. i was so sad he died and didn't get taken back to ds9

love also when he was like hey odod do you want the ENTIRE GAMMA QUADRANT because it's about to be yours and odo is like having an entire existential crisis firmly going no i do Not want that are you out of your mind what the fuck is wrong with you

all in all 10/10 episodes it;s about time we had some good IC odo content

once upon a time (voy):

THIS WAS SO SWEET.............idk ever since neelix became an atheist i've liked him so much more. and touching on his dead family, an early episode which also drew me to him initially before all the kes stuff ruined it, was a great touch. the version of neelix that lives in my head is a really amazing character

i love 90s trek kids. they are without fail fucking adorable every time. look at her little overalls. her horrifically ugly little doll. her tiny horns. aww.

this was also one of the more charming holodeck scenarios we've gotten because it's extremely silly in a charming way rather than in a way that makes me want to commit homicide. ironically, it's voyager, not ds9, that has made me warm up to the holodeck a couple of times...love and light, most of the ds9 holodeck stuff sucks. but this and then like the jane eyre one and the da vinci one were all very tolerable (at least until the da vinci ep, but you know). i still wouldn't let my kid in one, but whatever

the little girl like asking about neelix's sisters. AUGH. neelix talking to her photo. AUGHGHG.

idk it was sweet that he tried to protect her and that when he got upset about it janeway like took him aside and talked to him instead of just misunderstanding and yelling and being aggressive. one thing i like about trek, and i feel like i see it most often on voyager, but ds9 does it too, is that when somebody snaps and starts biting heads off like that the people they snap at, instead of getting hurt, usually realize there's a bigger problem and then drop whatever the conversation is to stop and address that instead. i just feel like you don't see this as a norm in most long-running series. like can you imagine this happening on m*rvel or supernatural lol

anyway, i'm very glad they did not have the budget for a giant beetle.

once more unto the breach (ds9):

man this episode was such a bummer. i'm not saying it was good but jesus christ kids can you lighten up a little

on the kor/martok spat, i'm 100% siding with martok, though after kor had his dementia moment and the others started mocking him i definitely felt bad for him

and what was so nice was that martok also felt bad! he got absolutely no satisfaction from his revenge! i don't know if that's right morally because kor did do him really dirty but like...as an emotional beat it worked SO well

i think also it was Such a choice not to even have a pov of the flaming ship or whatever as he went down - no last act of heroism - we had to watch it from the outside pov just like everyone else

and what a good way to address the complicated emotions. we're klingons. we'll drink to their courage if they win and drink to their courage if they lose. you know? he literally expressed himself.

ezri and quark's moment in this episode was soooo good. i love it when they let quark have a soul. it took them so long to get there but here we are and i'm here for it wait hold on let me do this in the next one

the siege of ar-588 (ds9):

EZRI E QUARK. can i just say it? she's mostly fine when she's not trying to do therapy or talk to julian or worf. which means that her best scenes are with sisko, which has a very platonic element except for how they fucked twins together once, or QUARK, where the dynamic is both extremely natural and unique - he doesn't treat her like jadzia 2.0, but he is also still in love with what makes her Dax(tm)

i think it's fun also that the more three-dimensional version of quark cares about people, which is really all i ever wanted him to do. i'm kind of afraid to rewatch season 3 because i literally wanted him dead but i wonder if i'd feel different about those episodes now...idk, there's something so layered about the way he took ezri aside to warn her about trying to get with worf (even though she wasn't) and brought nog food even when nog'd rather he didn't

even though his reasons for being there this episode were so so so SO flimsy he did such a great job...i kept wondering why he wasn't in the final fight, if he was like objecting on principle, but when he pulled that phaser on a dime to protect his nephew...jesus. then you know.

ALSO, SPEAKING OF. wow i knew for a long time nog lost his leg but to see it happen!!! like he's so fucking brave and tries so hard and AUUGHGGH you know? like sisko came in to tell him he was proud of him bc rom wasn't there and quark wasn't gonna do it and this is the boy he used to forbid jake from hanging out with!!! just incredible character development, jesus christ

final note: i really hate this semi-permanent holodeck hangout area. it feels like it exists even when the holodeck is turned off which is beside the point. if it had been a real venue on the promenade i'd like it MUCH better. also, vic has grown on me, but it's silly to have him be a hologram. ironically, i think a guy with this kind of attitude would have made for a much better ship's counselor - he gives out advice all the time anyway. having him AND ezri do it is overkill!!!

OKAY. WOW. I MADE IT. NEXT TIME!!!! we do voy's "timeless" and "infinite regress."

#personal #star trek blogging #voy lb #ds9 lb

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somberine · 3 months ago

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Is there a reason you stopped posting as much HLVRAI?

Its sort of a long story. Partially because I sort of fell out of it, partially because someone I knew in the fandom kind of left me with a bitter taste in my mouth and unfortunately my dumb autistic ass brain associates it with HLVRAI.

Frankly that isn't fair, not on the series at least. I do still enjoy the series, and do still do a few self indulgent drawings related to it here and there, but I don't really stray too close to the fandom as a whole anymore because its just?? I don't know, its weird?? For me???

I dabbled in the idea of re-vamping Slimeulation recently and even then that sort of left me feeling uneasy. Like that person was gonna find me again and ruin it all for me all over and it would just worsen the spiral.

I'm fine with viewing it and enjoying it from afar. And its not like I don't utilize stuff I've done in the fandom, today! I mean Nym and Joshua are both familiar for a reason.

Its not even like I try to hide it if you look at their psi-powers (they're psychonauts OCs now!!!) they match very closely with with how I've written Gordon and Joshua in the past! And also the ear-rings are the colors of the Science Team, and Joshua literally has "Science - - Family" in his icon, listen all I'm saying is the interest is still there.

I'm just sort of being over-cautious for my own mental health.

#crow chitter chatter

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thatonesongyouretryingtoremember · 6 months ago

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DBD rewatch notes!!

episode TWO!

Also my autocorrect is fucked but I'm not gonna proofread this thing ✌️

alright im making sure to watch the recap this time, apparently a character narrates it.

well that was underwhelming. maybe the real narration is added in a later episode.

Also I just realized about how 'this living girl can help with the living' and 'Becky is alive' like no wonder Edwin panicked he thought he wouldn't get to help out ghosts anymore.

so they just happened to walk by the docks, huh?

MUSIC

even Charles thinks Eddie boy fucked up.

Even now, Edwin wants to handle diplomacy. Just like with Shelby.

it would be kinda funny if the guy these cats killed was the sane guy Esther tested her machine on. random guy constantly exposed to The Horrors.

PURPLE FIRE

"using magic on my cats is a risk car crash on your part" that line is so iconic

so I guess the cats like him being king bc he's protective, or at least willing to start shit on their behalf.

THE TWIRL

what does too many cat scratches do to a ghost?

is that location inside the warehouse? I assume it is abandoned bc of how many cats have been showed to live in there. are the lights kept on by magic?

OF COURSE the cat king has his mattress on the floor LMAO mold who?

"If you must know" omg CK's private questions are probably so protecting and random before Edwin's autistic ass catches on to the flirting

MUSIC

He is trying so hard to stay on track

NOT THE ROPE TAIL

The way they show us Edwin's reaction before showing us that CK grabbed his *wrist* I thought this scene was going in a different direction on my first watch 👁👄👁

a caging spell is like. so obviously a bad guy thing to do. like, making someone feel like they can't leave or manipulating their life until they can't leave is classic abuser shit, and CK here pulls it on their FIRST meeting. not to mention the spell can only be undone by the caster, so if Edwin ever wants to leave the town (bc being there actively puts him in danger) he is forced to see the Cat King.

The whole point for CK of putting that spell on Edwin, was to show him how fucked up his spell on that catboy was. So he KNOWS that using magic on someone is wrong.

Edwin is trying so hard to get this guy tp be reasonable

"I can see that has offended your old fashioned sensibilities. I an a fair and consensual Cat King." THIS IS COERCION. THIS IS FUCKING COERCION.

I get that he backs off or whatever, but why on Earth did he think any of that was okay to begin with!? Also no "fair" king has to point out how fair they are. It's almost as if you've given this guy enough rain to believe otherwise :o

Why exactly was there a time warp??

I love when Edwin talks with his hands.

Not Edwin accusing Charles of being careless because he isn't at risk of going to hell :0 (also Charles yes we do it is happy brevete you're the best)

I'm not going anywhere without you :3

So ig Charles figure CK must have had something else to say bc how on Earth does one *trick* Edwin? like he tells Emma, driving a hard bargain is his THING.

Jokes on Edwin bc act cagey about something ONE TIME and all of a sudden it's the only thing your friends ask about!

Hercules referenced!

She looks so small in that room alone

that would probably be funny if I knew what John Hughes was.

Hop on the ferry AND THEN WHAT

say what? they're so in tune.

*tosses mail on bed* *misses*

these guys really love using symmetry in shots

you can actually hear Litty and Kingham giggling here! and a little bit of their weirdass theme song.

How exactly can Mick tell that the magic can't be undone??

Tragic Mick is so lonely. nobody cares about his story.

freebie enchanted jar, I guess. Good on Charles for recognizing how cool it is but like. why did he give them that besides plot

Will the kids ever find out that Mick was the one who sold that stuff to Esther?

SYMMETRY

no thoughts only explode

Yay Edwin cares if she's alright!

is there like a running joke with them about western medicine? bc the line 'stop being so nice' just sounds random to me idk

TWIRL

he's so excited! aww

The way he looks at the wall when Charles points out the bracelet XD

just because you don't like books does not mean you have to be so haphazard! the place is a mess and you probably ripped some pages!

pink is blue and your left isn't mine. makes perfect sense.

Those poor little shits had no clue they would end up inside a girl who hates being looked at XD

I like how Niko is shy at first it's a cool character decision.

why does Crystal already say "yes" to "history of fainting" if she doesn't get know that Niko has had these episodes before??

Also the hysteria detail is nice. a few episodes later Edwin corrected himself before saying it, and I think either Niko or Crystal must have spoken to him after he called Niko hysteric *twice*

why do they keep thinking Death will randomly show up in their office??

the "you'll rip your arm off" is a comic reference. a child servant named Persephone was stuck in a mirror portal when she died and Charles was afraid Edwin would injure her if he tried to pull her out.

I think Charles might have started to suspect what CK wanted in this scene, but until Edwin comes out he probably either feels unsure about it or thinks it is too delicate to ask straight up. Not that he's necessarily "delicate" with what he does ask.

oh their little joke and smiles are so cute!

MUSIC

well if it isn't the book Charles TRIED to get earlier!

Edwin with the literal interpretation

Also I can't see MUCH of the writing but the "secretions" are described as "viscous" so there is no way they made that connection without seeing the vomit first. that does not mean weird light.

Crystal is so funny here. "I noticed you have no friends sp you must feel lonely about your sickness. similarly, I don't know my parents." she is lucky that worked. it is still a sweet scene tho.

She's so sixteen. she needs her parents. :((((

Did Niko say she lived in Japan? Did Crystal read that on the envelopes? Why didn't she get visions when she touched the letters? they're definitely emotional enough.

Crystal has changed into more subdued clothing, and the ends of her hair are a little messy. honestly her hair progression is so interesting to me because of the way it changes with her character, but I think I should rather that be it's own post. lmk if y'all want that, but I will probs get around to it anyways.

So this is where the conflicting narratives confuse me. Do they exit the host body when they get strong, or when they are starving?

SYMMETRY

Niko is so excited to listen to herrr

What exactly does Niko mean by "are you insane?" like she sounds so excited.

Crystal is so sensitive to Niko's feelings. She tries to be helpful but also not freak her out.

The 4th wall break HELP (+more symmetry and a face closeup)

Also the flashback starts out from her eyes.

Now that I read about it, he school uniform really does look like Litty's dress. plus you can hear the sprites giggling again!

At least Edwin has enough sense to let Crystal keep doing her thing!

MUSIC

I guess Jenny thought Crystal brought Niko downstairs. Great, another way Jenny thinks she is weird and irresponsible.

Who was that shorter person in the hall of the Lost and Found?? Emma or something? probably not.

bigass clipboards

Most of Charles' chest is obscured in the photo.

SYMMETRY

honestly the constant use of artistic symmetry in these shots A] makes a cohesive vibe and B] makes it look manufactured, it reminds me of the ASOUE netflix show in that way.

wtf does "a misplaced dead child causes more trouble than a live one" even mean?? what kind of proviene are live children causing in the realm of Death??

I like the Night Nurse character because her duty is to take care of those kids but she also seems to think of them all as troublemakers or obstacles for whatever reason. ooh, more symmetry!

What is that glowing table all about?

I guess they came up with a compromise about Niko.

Googled it, bobtail means a person you don't like or find unpleasant.

wait I added in the time period. He's being sexist.

an unlicked cub is someone who is "rude" and I'm pretty sure it is classist.

"let's not worry about dads, yeah?"

Edwin always says exactly what he is thinking. I think he probably throws in period slang if he doesn't want to hurt Charles' feelings.

I wonder why Charles has multiple things he knows Edwin's dad would say. I bet Edwin uses his dad to insult people (clients?) all the time and Charles looks it up and goes "wait a sec that describes me too" or smthng.

YAY! LEARNING!

wdym "maybe that's why I like her so much?" WDYM

"We're figuring this out" WHERE HAVE I HEARD THOSE WORDS BEFORE (staircase)

"I simply hate that I am the reason we are stuck in this town." "I should have known. Welcome to not being perfect"

MORE SYMMETRY

Walks fast bf and walks backwards so he can talk and look him in the face bf. they're so complimentary.

They always end up in that one same pose, huh? Facing straight at eachother in profile. It's so organic, and I think that CK has actually tried to force a similar shot, which is interesting. that's in a later episode though.

Charles the emotionally attuned king

HE JUST WANTS TO BE THERE FOR YOUU

"you're like a dog with a bone" *steps on bone*

it isn't as if you what, Edwin? as if you haven't said it all already? as if you know any more than Charles about it?

SKINNY JORTS

So they use the dead host body to reproduce through spore pods that biomimic dandelion seeds? I feel like that needs more elaboration. Like that needs to be explained to me.

aww poor Niko :((

You know shit's serious when they break out the "Asunder"

The circle thing. First of all, what is that? Secondly, I feel like these two are framed in a circle another time, but I don't remember when.

badass transition and the shrine is really cool. the dandelion texture is pretty realistic imo.

It does not look chiseled away but go off

So what type of sacrifices? do they need you to ""pay"" then attention? are the dead bodies the sacrifices? are the hosts the sacrifices?

Are there enough abandoned pantheons of these just scattered about that the supernatural scientific community had the consensus that they are a common parasite??

I like how the fake dandelions look slightly different than real ones.

Did their worshippers make a vessel to trap them? Or is that just where they lived before they started starving and inhabiting people?

I think this is practican effects + camera work?? it's very good!

I guess she figured out time was running out.

Is that charming in a condescending way or does he just think that she's easy to work with?

"cut the weird shit out I'll like, evict you" she had no clue how to talk to kids, or to stand up to someone who will listen.

'that got dark' that is the same reaction to when Crystal brought up David

did they ever end up telling Niko that David the Ex is a demon?

What are the rules about what objects are invisible or not?

A HOOK!?

wait did they explain to Crystal that the thingies are starving???

this scene is so frickin creeeepyyyy

They make a point about keeping their hats on. They seem to love those hats. weird.

and the sprites also care about eachother to some extent.

OOH ANOTHER COMIC REF

did her hair change immediately and they only noticed just now, orr??

This time when meeting new friends, Niko doesn't act shy anymore. She already feels comfortable around Crystal since they talked.

Crystal had a Look when Niko said the agency name was good, but idk if it was entirely mean.

They better elaborate on those godly powers next szn!

HEY the letters hit the bed this time!

WHO got the word out, tho?

So they have to tell those ghosts to go home so the girls can sleep?

so the FEAR is her power

MUSIC

Green fire

why is she doing this with the rings on. there's no way anything she's doing is sanitary.

tbh with the growling, I totally thought he'd be evil the first time 'round.

HUMAN MONTY MY BELOVEDDDD!!!!

#dead boy detectives #dbd netflix #about the dead boys

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izamationbroker · 2 years ago

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Gee, I wonder who they're talking about! ☆

Now, before I get into the nitty-gritty about this post, I want to make clear of one very important thing:

I don't care whether they headcanon Izaya to have ASPD or not.

In fact, this post isn't really going to be much about Izaya at all. Sorry if you were hoping for a big debate, but per my disclaimer about fandom discourse, I really don't care when people disagree with me. Everyone has their own headcanons, and they're free to enjoy those headcanons however they want.

However,

What rubs me the wrong way about this post is the vaguepost slander and blatant ableism they cite as their evidence.

The language they use to describe people who headcanon Izaya as having ASPD is consistently and intentionally derogatory in an attempt to emphasize inexperience and discredit. That's crossing the line for me from "let it be" to "stepping on my lawn". I know they didn't directly mention me, but it the statement above it's hard to think of anyone else they could have possibly been referring to. That's a deliberate attempt to put me down and start beef from my perspective.

I addressed this at the very beginning of my original essay on Izaya, making clear that I was not a psych professional and that I relied a lot on basic research and the experiences of loved ones who had ASPD. I admitted that I hadn't read all of the novels. I wrote that essay in response to an ask from a friend who wanted me to go in detail about it. Naturally, differential diagnosis is a thing, and on top of that, this is a fictional character we're talking about. It's only fair that different people will interpret the text in different ways.

I was in no way trying to make the case that it was canon, because the only way one could argue it's canon is if Narita said so himself. I won't step on other people's toes about their headcanons if I don't agree with them. Just because I don't personally headcanon Izaya as autistic doesn't mean I'm going to make a long-ass post "debunking" the very possibility and vague the guy who did a writeup on how Izaya fits the criteria (No, in fact I was actually inspired by that post for the format of my own on ASPD).

This person, on the other hand, felt such a visceral disgust to the very notion that this fictional character could possibly have ASPD, that they felt the need to make a post to "debunk" it, like some kind of gross rumor. What does that say about how that person views ASPD and the real people who have it?

That brings me to my second issue with this post: The blatant ableism.

This post makes two main points about why Izaya couldn't have ASPD, and both of those points reek of ablism. "Lack of remorse" is a complex issue in the realm of ASPD, and I see it all the time with my brother and partner, who both have ASPD. From what I understand from the post, the poster seems to believe that people with ASPD are simply incapable of feeling remorse. That is really not the case. In fact, the quoted diagnostic criterion in the DSM V they are referencing says this:

"7. Lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another"

It's more than just a "lack of remorse," the DSM expands further to describe that this criterion is met when some either displays indifference or otherwise rationalizes their actions. Furthermore, there is a marked difference between regret, guilt, and remorse. Like I said, it's a complicated matter.

I know my partner has talked about it already on their own blog, but I wanted to restate it here: People with ASPD are capable of feeling remorse is select situations with select people. For example, in my essay about Izaya, I mentioned that he regrets how Mairu and Kururi turned out because he raised them. They're his family, and very close to him. It makes sense that they would be important to him and exist as an exception to his tendency to rationalize everything he does.

My brother and partner regret things all the time, but usually that's more because of outside consequences rather than internal belief that what they did was wrong or that they hurt someone. Sometimes they feel guilt, but it's quickly rationalized away before they could ever take action on it. In certain circumstances, they have felt true remorse, and because they almost never deal with it, it's probably one of the most painful things they've ever experienced. To make the blanket statement that people with ASPD simply do not experience any form of this complex emotion is extremely dehumanizing and ableist, disregarding the possibility that people are complex and should not be limited a stereotype.

The second point this poster made was that Izaya's disregard for social norms could be explained away by his IQ, and to that I say

What year are you living in?

IQ is a funky little quiz that tests your logical and spatial reasoning rooted in eugenics as an excuse to dehumanize people who don't score high enough. There is nothing social about it, and even if there was, science in this day and age have discarded its relevancy. It's been reduced to a quirky number that puzzle game apps use in their mobile ads to entice you to download them. "People with an extremely low IQ are not capable of understanding the social norms"? Just say they're r*tarded and call it a day. Seriously. Autistic people everywhere (myself included) would be disgusted at this display.

TLDR: Don't gossip and spread ableist propaganda. Oh, and

Stay off my lawn.

#tw ableist language #tw ableism #aspd #discourse #the broker speaks #I'm not putting this in iza's tag this has nothing to do with the headcanon itself

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saturns-ringg · 1 year ago

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ok guys.... hear me out... modern lotf au I'll explain thingys here!! its an au me and my friend (IM TAGGING YOU SILLY GUY: @fruityahhbread) created (but im like sharing what I think hehe) , so all of these are basically headcanons!! (btw, I decided to age them all up to 15-16-17 because sort of a hs au) (AND IN THIS AU WE'RE REFUSING TO BELIEVE SIMON AND PIGGY DIED IK, WEIRD.) simon: -mitski stan -they/them/he -has braces -that one kid who was really weird in middle school -🏳️‍🌈 -filipino -autistic yippee creature -his mom is single (AND PROBABLY GAY ‼️) -cottagecore/softcore aesthetic -15 -5'3 (shorrttt) -dating roger roger: -🏳️‍⚧️and pan -gets called emo but really isn't -literally HOMOcidal -happy only with simon -abusive dad -very good fashion sense -grunge-y aesthetic -poc -16 -5'9 -dating simon (ofc) jack merribitch: -bi -theater kid -literally a whore or wholesome no inbetween -his intrusive thoughts won on the island -wears I <3 MILF/DILF shirts (aswell as similar ones) -has the personality of every single redhead ever -pale as paper -feral choir kid -hearing loss </3 also forgets to put hearing aids in alot -adhd -17 (he got held back a grade 😧) -6'2 (TALL) -dating ralph (they're so gay for eachother istg) ralph: -pan -burnt out gifted kid -borrows things but doesn't return them -still a coral island fanboy -"damn daddy" -ADD/OCD vibes -still that goofy ahh golden fair boy -16 -5'9 -dating jack (ofc, he looked at jacks shorts...) maurice: -bi but still makes fun of gay ppl?? -probably laughs at among us jokes and other stupid memes -gets Fs in all his classes because of our beloved adhd -curly ass hair that he doesn't control -annoying af but sometimes is just eepi -kind of pookie -prolly simps for sam -makes fun of everyone -16 -6'0 piggy: -aroace (SLAY) -nerd -also codes -"BUT- MY AUNT SAYS- MY ASTHMA-" -gets bullied :( -has that buzzcut but like, aestheticer if yk what I mean -peter is his true form name -actually really nice -16 -5'7 (short)

#lotf roger #lotf simon #lotf #lotf jack #lotf ralph #lotf maurice #lotf piggy #lotf headcanons #lotf au #add more later

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elgascreamslikehell · 1 year ago

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So here we are

Rating g?(I'm old deal with it)

Words 3804

Remarks: I'm more depressed than they are and my autistic ass gets a hyper fixation on them anyway. And yes my sarcasm is unstoppable sorry@notsorry

Eddie is so tired of Buckley lately.

Eddie is so tired when he even sees Buck's face. With all this mimics and unreadable signs. Or there's no signs at all, it's only Eddie's mind games. Most probably it is. Buckley just makes him feel... Feelings.

Eddie doesn't like it. He doesn't like feelings. He prefers not to feel them. He just can't. Evan is everywhere!

He goes to work - there's Evan, he comes home - Evan. He could even enjoy it, apparently, if not for one thing. He feels something to Evan he definitely should not.

It shouldn't be so much of surprise but here he is. He has his toothbrush in Eddie's bathroom, his towel, his drawer with clothes and some stuff. God, most of Eddie's kitchen belongs to Buck! His son belongs to Buck. Legally.

They are best friends. You can't possibly want to kiss your friend. Or worse. It's not fine!

And still he wants. He wants Buck to be... His. That's selfish, no doubt, but he never says he's an angel. So he wants Buck to be his Buck. For real.

They have right now some really twisted friendship to be fair. Ersatz-family. They basically live together, eat together, spend most of the time together. But then Buck says 'It was nice, see you!' and flees away when Eddie wants him to stay. Like forever.

It's fucking scary to be honest. Cause neither Ana nor Marisol never felt that way. It was fun, of course, but... Eddie was fine with them leaving. Actually he was usually quite glad they left.

He is never glad Buckley leaves. Cause he feels it. Eddie hates to feel. And really, even his home is not much of a home when Buck isn't there.

Oh, yes. He fucked up.

***

Anyway their shifts matches most of the time, apparently Bobby sees them as a perfect team somehow, maybe because they share one braincell. And that's definitely Bucks braincell, Eddie just looses it near Evan every time, it's a fortune he can pretend. And a torture at the same time.

And that's exactly explain how they even end up in this situation, tied to each other and standing on the unsafe surface.

"Listen, Edds, I thought..."

Ground starts to shake a little. There was not earthquake warning but still

"Guys, can you please hurry up, it looks dangerous!"

***

When ground under their feet starts to crumble Eddie should decide one thing. Very fast. Like he is back to army. He hates it. Basically because it's so strange - and a little creepy - to answer this kind of question instantly in your head.

If something go wrong who is more expendable? Like now?

That's not really a question - Eddie answered it long time ago.

And it's not Buck.

Never him.

In any case, Diaz could not take another time seeing Buck dead, thank you very much. It still haunts him.

Every time Buckley runs into danger - Eddie freezes. Cause he has a bold picture in his eyes of dead Evan Buckley under the pouring rain.

But if he really needs to explain. How many people would be hurt in this hypothetical situation one of them died? Eddie's list is first. He has Chris.

Well, it's not a long list to be honest.

And here we have Buck's list.

From the top of his head it would be Maddie, Bobby, Athena, Jee Yun, Chris... And Eddie himself, last but not least.

He might be not so good at math as Buckley but that he gets.

Problem solved!

He cuts his safety rope before Buck even tries to say a word and slides down to the abyss seeing how the way is crushed leaving Buck on the other side.

Well, it is not really abyss, of course. Just old water collector. Not a big difference right now.

"Diaz, report! We're coming back for you, only need to reassure this thing won't demolish!"

He stands up. Ok, he's alive. A little confused - looks like a mild concussion, never killed anyone - so basically fine. Only one thing. That's a water collector. Filling up with water fast.

"I'm fine. Little concussion, bruise on the shoulder, it's nothing. Is there any rain?"

"Not here but according to the forecast it's heavy rainfall up the hill, and i suppose you're okay if you asks about the weather"

Well yes but actually no, how to bring it up.

"It could become a problem here.."

His speech is breaking a little

"I ...want to have a confession."

"Maybe you can wait till we get you out? And then you can confess anything. Right after you give me a valid excuse why the heck did you cut your safety rope AGAIN."

Well, it's possible that he has some... Issues. Or just hates harnesses of any kind!

"Bobby.... It's a water collector. It takes, as i can recall, ten to twelve minutes to fill up completely. There's a strong chance you ...don't get me. You know that, i know that. Let's be ....honest."

"Don't you dare, Diaz!"

He can't help but laughs. Oh, captain, you have no idea what he dares now

"It's... fine. I'm an irresponsible ....idiot.... anyway... How's Buck?"

"I'm fine. We're coming for you!"

That's a shame he hears it. So, Edds, you are an idiot in the end.

"Yes, ...okay... Fine"

He tries so hard to his voice sounds normal. More normal then before. It is one thing that Bobby hears him. Or Chim. Or Hen. Or Ravi. Actually anyone but Buck. He is a whole different story, but here we are.

So breath in. Breath out. It's fine till you can still keep yourself together.

"Eddie, talk! Stay on the line."

"Yes...sir"

It's like a nightmare to be fair. Well 2.0. But this time there's no way out.

"Report, Eddie. Just talk to me. We need you to stay awake"

He doesn't want to. It's cold and there's water everywhere. Surprisingly, water. In the water collector. And he definitely has a not-so-mild concussion. And he will die here.

"Eddie!"

This voice again. Doesn't Buck know how hard is to listen him? And feel so much!

"I'm still...here. Just... I really need to rest...a little..."

"The hell no! Talk to me, Edds!"

He sighnes. If he maybe find a spot to rest just a little bit he can proceed searching for an exit. Cause there should be one. Otherwise it's...

"It's... like a grave. But I'm fine. Just needed a moment. I'm here.. When i stuck in the well i wasn't sure I'll survive but somehow i did, so... Sometimes i regret it..."

"Say what now?!"

"Nothing. I'm fine."

Acting - A+. Take a cookie.

"There should be a hole in the ceiling... kinda. The one i fell down. It's not that high but... I'm not sure i can reach it"

Mostly because he is sure he can't. It's just a play, cause it is highly likely they can't find him in time. And then they hear him literally dying. It's bad. Bobby doesn't deserve it. Buck... Buck just should not hear it at all costs.

"We dismantled the first heap. We're coming for you. Do you copy?"

"Yes..."

He is just tired. So, - and it is totally not okay - , it would be a relief. To not have to deal with... everything.

"You know, Edds, there's a new exotic creatures exhibition. We need to go. Chris would love it!"

Oh fuck. He's so irresponsible idiot in the end, and terrible, horrible father.

"Of course... Buck. But... if anything happens... You do take Chris there anyway!"

"Nothing's gonna happen. We're close"

He is close too. Buck once said that he should not be pretending around him, yet he never said that about others. That's nice. But there's no more pretending here. The water is literally up to his mouth. That's funny how fast this old thing could fill up.

"Good... i still need to... confess...."

He exhales loudly. It is really hard to breathe right now. And he definitely needs to rest.

There's a break in a line or he somehow managed to pass out for a second. Waking up to his radio screaming

"Eddie!! Talk to me!!"

He just can't

"I... Here's... here's a thing... I...lied... I'm an awful...friend ..."

He slips down the wall and cold water wakes him up a little

"No you're not! You're my best friend, come on! We're close. I'm close!"

And yet he is an awful friend who just takes Evan Buckley for granted. No reason. Anytime he needs it - Buck's there. Nice epiphany, nice timing. So nice. If he were Buck he would hate himself. Like Eddie-self, hell that's hard.

If he can say it right now? In all that crappy movies Buck likes there's always a person who confesses on the death bed. For like half an hour straight. Really cheesy, really unrealistic. Eddie'd like to have so much time and strength but he apparently has not.

"I'm... glad...to hear... that. You... think...so...but... I'm not. I'm...i just need...to rest... For a... moment "

It's harder to proceed talking. Or keep himself above the water.

"No! Please, go on, talk, for fuck sake, Edds!"

He tries. He really does. He just closes his eyes but it's fine. It would be fine.

"Chris won't... won't be... alone. It...was..nice...to know you... guys. Like a family... really "

He hears Buck swears furiously. And...it sounds like stones are trembling around.

"There's some problem but we're coming, Diaz. Stay with us!"

"Yep. You're not gonna die there, not on my watch!"

Interesting, what that's supposed to mean, Evan.

Bobby is mad at him. Why, exactly? They are all mad at him. Not the perfect decision for them to be fair. Kinda hurt. He saved the day. If he would not have cut his rope there would be two of them drowning. Bobby won't be glad, he was devastated last time Buck was in trouble. So Edds's kinda hero actually. Again. Might get another medal. Would be fun.

"Buck...i... I need you..to know..."

"I don't want to! Don't do this! We'll talk when you're here, Eddie, just hold on! Please!"

Interesting...if Buck also feel something now? Like... A pity? Cause hell Eddie's pathetic now.

"That's... Kinda become now or.. never... moment.. you have...you have to know..."

He's panting and they hear it, definitely. And Buck hears it too. Hell he is pathetic.

"I'm... desperately guilty before.. before you Evan... I'm... I'm sorry... and... i...."

He tried to turn off the radio but can't keep it in his hands. Device touches the cold water surface same second Eddie's head slide under it. Radio chokes on screaming.

"Eddie. Eddie! Diaz! Report! Diaz!"

Silence.

***

"He can drown there, speed up!"

"Buck, easy, you're gonna hurt yourself"

Da fuck he is.

"He's there, Bobby, and his son is waiting for him home and I'm interested how would you possibly explain it to Chris if Eddie's not coming back? So let me go there! Give me the god damn rope! Eddie! Edds I'm coming down, don't you dare die there! You owe me an explanation!"

Bobby exhales. Yes, explaining that to Chris would be a nightmare. But the worst nightmare would be seeing Buck. Every day. With these eyes full of pain and something else he doesn't want to know. Buck's so obvious now.

***

Cold water is actually more refreshing then he could even imagine. Or it's the legendary 'second breath' or he just so humiliated by now that even dying would be too good - Eddie is not sure. There's still not enough oxygen to breathe normally but who cares. He can't just die here making Buck hear it.

Radio is obviously dead but he is obviously not. And he definitely hears screams.

"Eddie! For fuck sake where are you?! I'm coming!"

He even see the light. And surprisingly not that light like afterlife, it's a flashlight

"Here... I'm still here!"

It's all messed up in his head and he watches it from aside. Buck buckle him up to the rope, pulling out from the water, dragging him to the fresh air and putting on the mask.

It's overwhelming, too much - Eddie coughs profusely. And Buckley is obviously teared up.

"Hey Eddie. It was close. You should not do that kind of stuff. You have the order, you execute it, no messing around!"

"Cut it, Bobby. Give him some time! We're heading to the ER"

Eddie takes off his oxygen mask

"Thanks. I was pretty sure I'll die there this time"

And that somehow drives Evan insane

"I KNOW! I HEAR IT ALL ALONG, YOU JUST TALKING NONSENSE AND PANTING AND THEN YOU FELL SILENT I THOUGHT MY HEART IS GONNA COLLAPSE! HOW FUCKING DARE YOU DO THIS?!"

Is it normal that Eddie's somehow flattered by this? He sure knows Buckley was worried but not like that?

"Sorry? I can.. explain. Just need to rest for a moment."

He feels dizzy. And yet he is kinda calm slipping off, away from feelings.

"Eddie?!"

***

"He needs some rest. We discharge him tomorrow, for now he's just staying here for observation. And then he can go home and proceed resting"

"Thanks, doc. Give me a call when we can take him home"

"No. I'll take him. Anyway I'll be with Chris. Oh, and now you wake up. Don't you maybe wanna talk?!"

Buck is mad as hell. Actually Eddie is not sure he ever saw Buck that mad.

"No? I'm fine, thanks"

"Diaz. You are so troubled we definitely need to discuss your behaviour, i thought i have only one child in the team. Apparently i was wrong. But it can wait. Get better."

Okay, Bobby is also mad. Da fuck are they all mad? Nobody died! It would be so much easier.

Bobby left the room, leaving this two alone.

"I'm gonna go home, Chris must be worried as hell. Give me a call when they push you out, you still owe me an explanation."

And then he just go away. Like so.

Eddie is a mess. So much feelings he just can't process right now. Does Evan even think when he speaks? He goes home. But it should be Eddie's home? Maybe it is just short way to call it? Man how did he get here. He was married! He dated girls. Ana. And this... God, how come he forgets her name every time.

Buck also had girlfriends. It didn't go well, but still.

And does he actually need to explain himself? Fuck this.

***

Of course they discharge him unexpectedly. Well, or he just convinced them that he is totally fine. Who cares. Of course he decided not to call anyone. Of course he's now standing in front of his own house and of course he is clearly afraid to come in. What the actual hell. It's his house!

It's quite, as expected. It's six in the morning. Chris should be sleeping. Eddie, trying to be as quiet as he can, rushes to kid's room. Yes. He's sleeping. Eddie kisses him on the forehead. Man, he was ready to leave him.

Ok, but where's Buck? Did he return to the loft? Eddie should maybe send him a message. He's gonna do it, just after he takes a shower.

Or not. That's a surprise.

Buck's here. In Eddie's bed to be specific. And he is awake, curled up on Eddie's pillow and silently sobbing.

"Erm.. good morning?"

Ok, now he is unexpected guest in his own house, judging by Evan's reaction.

"What the hell are you doing here? You should be in hospital!"

"You'll be surprised. But i live here. Surprise."

If this isn't the first time - that's probably why his bedsheets sometimes smell like Buck. Not that he's complaining, just observation.

"I know. I mean... You know what i mean!"

Observation two. Buck is somehow still mad.

"Not really, but let's leave it aside. If you're asking how did i get here - i took an uber. And i didn't want to wake you up, sleep. I just take my towel"

"And then you'll be back here."

No, he's not

"I'm well rested, so no, i don't want to bother your sleep. And i still have a couch if i need, you know?"

He's lying again. He lives the life full of lies.

"It wasn't a question if you missed it."

Buck is mad mad, it's so not him it is scary.

"Okay. Buck... Did you cry?"

"Doesn't matter! Just take a shower already!"

Well that was the fastest shower he has ever had and no he didn't rush. He just likes it that way. Life full of lies!

Buck is sitting in his bed teasing a pillow and waiting. And he is... He is so... You can't want to kiss your friend but can you at least hug him?

"Hi?"

"Eddie. Who do you think you are?"

That's new.

"What do you mean right now?"

Buck is... blushing?!

"Who do you think you are for me?"

He knows the answer. Kinda

"Well, i recall you saying we are best friends, so I'll go with that. What's your point?"

"... That's all?"

It's obviously not but how could he even think about telling so? How would it sound?

"I don't really get where are you going with that."

Buck exhales

"Fine. Fine. As you wish. I just..."

"Buck, stop. You just what?"

"I kinda thought... about things"

"And didn't like it? You'll get used to the process"

"Oh, shut up, Eddie! I thought about my life, you know. Without you"

The more you know, really. Eddie doesn't need to think about it. He lived it. All the time Buckley was to ICU after lightning. Plus three fucking minutes and seventeen fucking seconds he really had to live without him. He hates it. Every moment of it.

"And? Your life would be so much better that now you feel low key sorry for saving me?"

"O my god Eddie! Can you please stop it? I try to say something really important here, why do you hate me?!"

"I don't. Really. It's more the opposite. I love you"

So, he said that. It wasn't that bad! Well, but now Buckley's gonna try to say something in return, it's gonna be awkward, and that would be how he lost his best friend. Maybe he really should have died there.

Frank definitely would say that he is depressed if he really thinks that death is a valid option. Who cares!

Buck meanwhile keeps silent. And cry. Why the hell is he crying now? Is it so awful to be loved by Eddie Diaz? Well, most probably yes.

"Buck?!"

"Sorry. I'm sorry. It's fine, i just... You said that you're an awful friend but you're not. And... You love me. As a good friend should."

"Evan. I didn't say i love you as a friend, thanks for noticing. I said that I'm an awful friend cause i love you not as a friend. I love you like you are the meaning of my life love you. I'm in love with you."

"Why?"

Who knew Evan Buckley is a philosopher now?

"Cause you.. it's you, o my god, that is the silliest question i ever refused to answer!"

Buck loudly inhales, like he's gonna jump into the deep water

"You are my best friend, Edmundo. But that's the top of the iceberg. You are, basically, all my life. I love you so fucking much and yesterday you tried to kill yourself in front of me. Are you insane?"

Eddie blinks, feels...oh, he has no idea, what exactly he feels right now. Everything

"Say what now?"

"I asked, are you insane."

"Before that!"

"Keep it low. You'll wake up Chris! I said i love you. Why are you acting so strange, didn't you know that? I was sure I'm obvious"

"You're not... I did not... Hell no. So you tell me... What the hell, Buck?!"

Ok, but now you certainly can kiss your friend. It would be appropriate. And, presumably, highly appreciated. Buck looks like a stray dog right now. Like he was rejected. But he so much wasn't. He even speaks sad!

"I don't know"

"I know. And, as long as you're still in my bed - or should i start calling it our bed? - I'm gonna lie down. But first - I'm gonna kiss you. If you have something against it - speak now or hold your peace"

Now Buck's definitely blushing. It fits him. Anything fits him.

"How could i possibly decline your offer? I mean... If it is fine with you, cause i don't want you to feel like I'm pressing you, just if you want..."

Eddie definitely can't wait any longer. He's actually proud of himself that he waited for this long. And somehow disappointed, like so much time wasted. Anyway..

Is it strange to think that Evans face is perfectly fits to his palms?

Not that Diaz is very experienced in kissing boys, not that there's so much difference but there is. Or, probably, there's one major difference. It's Evan.

He feels Bucks hands clinging to his back, biting Bucks lower lip and then there's the sound. Muffled moaning, running down Eddies spine.

"Mierda, Evan!"

He's old. Well, fine, at least he's adult. Should be responsible and reasonable. What should he not certainly be doing right now is pulling Bucks shirt off, literally reaping off the buttons with his shaking fingers and yet there heis.

"Eddie... "

He's not going to stop anyway just because, to be fair, he just physically can't stop right now. And based on Buckleys reaction he should not stop. Still

"Eddie, Chris is sleeping! We need... O my god"

Hickey on the neck also fits Buck perfectly. Noted

"I closed the door and he is a heavy sleeper. I've checked"

"You... You just ran from hospital. You could die yesterday... Geez, Edds, give me that!"

Give him what? His heart, soul and everything? He gave it so long ago it's hard to remember specific day

"Your stupid t-shirt why did you ever bother to put it on?!"

***

Bobby woke up from the message. It's Chris. That's strange, something with Eddie? In that case Buck should have called first.

He looked on the screen and

"Bobby, your laugh is sweet but if you didn't notice i was sleeping, what could be so funny that..."

Athena is not a morning person, definitely, so instead of answer Bobby just shows her his phone. With a picture on the screen

"Is that... Finally!"

"That's what i said. It's been... how long? Anyway, strict conversation is waiting for them both. After."

"Of course. Do you know you act like a proud father right now? It's kinda... Spicy. Come here!"

#buddie 911 #buck x eddie #eddie diaz #evan buckley #buddie #911 fandom #911 fic #911 fanfic #911 ao3

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