#this isn't even phasing me
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Major Trigger Warnings for death, murder, a dead body and police presence. Mention of blood in the tags.
Every time I walk out of my apartment since yesterday afternoon I'm face to face with an open crime scene.
Cause yeah, so my neighbour immediately across feom me was murdered and died in the hallway and his front door is off the hinges so I can see directly into his unit every time I take Lance out to pee.
It's very CSI around here right now. Hallways is packed full with investigative gear and the on duty cop just watching out while the techs do their thing.
Everyone has been loving Lance and he's been loving the attention just as much (he's very used to cops as we visited HQ a bunch cause my old roommates were civilian employees there).
#yes I was home when it happened#i heard the commotion at noon#but I wasn't dressed and was half asleep#and heard another neighbour check in#so figured whatever was going on was covered#and didn't need my assistance#initially I thought it was one of his kids habing a temper tantrum#then I figured it was drunk drama#lots of screaming and banging on the door#cops woke me up a couple hours later#didn't know he was dead until I took Lance out to pee and saw the body covered by a blanket at the base of the stairs#and yes I'm fine#I've got compassion fatigue#so#like#I don't care about anything these days#this isn't even phasing me#despite the drying pool of blood just inside where his door used to be
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i finished it, was kicked out of the game, and then spent the next 10 minutes drawing this. i will now go take a shower, most likely cry, and then go through the emotional turmoil of convincing myself to reset so i can do a geno run. i hate it here :D
#undertale yellow#uty#my art#<- ifg#spoilers under these tags beware. although it is mostly just me being very very sad#that entire thing was heart wrenching. anyways#CEROBAS FIGHT??? HELLO???#i had to exit out of it the first time (i got to the last phase) to get better items but i came back and won pretty quickly#but THE CUTSCENES?!?!?#JFC NO WONDER THIS WOMANS SO MESSED UP. HER HUSBAND PRACTICALLY DIED IN HER ARMS AND THE LAST THING HE LEFT HER WITH- HIS DYING WISH- COULD#ONLY BE FULFILLED BY PUTTING THEIR ONLY CHILD IN DEATHS WAY. AND THEN WHEN SHE TOOK THAT RISK THE WORST THING HAPPENED AND SHE NOW HAS TO#LIVE WITH THE GUILT OF BEING THE ONE TO. MOST LIKELY. KILL HER ONE AND ONLY DAUGHTER#ALL THE WHILE SHE WAS PUSHING AWAY HER CHILDHOOD BEST FRIEND AND CONVINCING HERSELF THAT SHE WAS IN THE RIGHT TO SACRIFICE CLOVER WHO HAD#BEEN ONLY KIND MERCIFUL AND JUST THIS WHOLE TIME. EVEN TO THOSE WHO WERE TRYING TO KILL THEM. FUCK.#AAND WHEN CLOVER HUGGED HER I DOUBLED OVER IRL BC *THATS EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED TO DO IN THAT MOMENT* I HATE IT (read: love it) HERE#n dont even get me STARTED on after that. when clover started moving on their own and the gd white screen came up and we got flashbacks of#everyone's words. thats when the tears rlly started coming bc it clicked for me. 'oh. this is it. isn't it?' and IT WAS#WHEN THEY GAVE THEIR FUCKIGN HAT AND GUN AWAY TO MARTLET AND STARLO WELL THATS WHEN I REALLY STARTED CRYING#AAND THE GROUP HUGG#I WAS SOBBING WHENEVER I HAD TO WATCH THEM CRAWL UP AGAINST THE WALL AND DIE AND HAVE FLOWEYS WORDS PLAY OVERHEAD#AND THE FUCKOGN#THE F U C K I N G#AFTEWRCREDITS SCENE WHERE WE GOT THE 'You heard someone calling for help. You answered.' I GOT CHILLS SO BAD#to think that all the other souls have stories just as expansive and emotional as clover n frisks. how fucked up is that. in a good way tho#and finally the last scene where we got all 4 of our main friends sending us off in waterfall and we see clovers items end up in the dump#just waiting to be found by bratty and catty. fucken hell man this was a masterpiece#anyways time to reset and obliterate everyone and never emotionally recover from that ever!! really is feeling like 2016-17 again w the way#this game has me sobbing my eyes out and feeling the guilt of knowing that i dont HAVE to kill them all but im too curious not to#oh well. at least i have the balls to do it this time around instead of letting a youtuber do it for me ig
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a lot of clipping to fix, but hey I got it moving at least! I'll get the Telvanni robe properly physic'd if it's the last thing I do >:0
#last i checked the vanilla hdt clothes on the nexus didn't cover solstheim content#but i wanted to finally learn to do proper hdt bones myself anyway so its fine :)#this was a nightmarish mess before i separated the black underskirt to its own group#now it swishes around nicely and collides without going through the red outer skirt#i still haven't figured out the crouching/sneaking problem where it'll sometimes phase through the thighs like they don't exist#but that seems to happen to other people's outfits too so maybe it's not just mine? idk yet lol#hmmm i think that back flap thing with the gold trim is gonna have to be separated too. it stretches out weirdly :/#also. should the scarf get to move? maybe just the dangling ends?#bc the rest can't really move since there's nothing under the scarf. it's just glued at the edges to the chest of the outfit#which is good bc it's optimized well so the game isn't rendering the neck part of the robes that you don't even see#but I'd have to create new faces on the mesh to fill in the unseen gaps like i did when splitting the skirts up#and also i'm too lazy to map that new fancy chest area and draw out the missing texture with all the telvanni swirls :'(#help me motivation gods#modding stuff#my posts#i want nelly to be able to swish around prettily like anyone else <3#guys deserve some physic'd outfit love too
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It's way too hot and I am way too tired to do any more efforts, so excuse the critical lack of quality here.
If you didn't know, Cole is my favourite Power Ranger :D
And while I was binge watching Ninjago I had the pleasant surprise to see him physically and mentally traumatized in season 5 😈
And since I'm a huge sucker for angst, my brain immediately thought of developing that idea in order to hurt my beautiful baby boy some more. That and also the fact that my brain immediately looks for logic in the laws of cartoon physics (I really shouldn't do that...)
So I bring you the "Cole is a Ghost Kind-of-Saga". I still have a few more ideas to exploit, notably adressing the ways the other ninjas will help him cope with his new condition :3
And maaaaybeeeee a small comic too 😇
Anyways, I will let my brain rest a bit for now and sleep.
#I really want to rant about the things I wrote but my brain is melting#but basically ghosts are part of another plane of existence or smt#which explains for me why they can't really interact with anything from the living world#and also why Cole has visions#and why he has a different perception of time and can randomly space out#and I thought Cole was a bit different from other ghosts because he left the temple at the same second the sun arrived#and it is the reason why he isn't forced to stay in the temple#but also why he can interact with objects more easily#again these are just conjectures and headcanons from me#don't take this seriously#and also YES I'm gonna LOVE to write about his friends reactions#and how they can help him go through this#Because I still think that it is a lot#And Cole must suffer about it#But I also think that he is not the kind to express his feelings so he would suffer in silence#so his friends will have to be supportive without being too invasive#I think that there will also be a phase where they will prevent him from fighting/going out at all to protect him#because he would risk his life when they fight against other ghosts and he can't touch water and still has problem controlling his abilities#so even more angst because he would feel useless and the others would fear for him nonstop#my art#ninjago fanart#ninjago season 5#ninjago cole#ninjago#cole is a ghost
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actually i'm still thinking about the moral orel finale.
he has a cross on his wall. do you know how much i think about that bc it's a lot.
a lot of stories ((auto)biographical or fictional) centering escape from abusive/fundamentalist christianity result in the lead characters leaving behind christianity entirely. and that makes complete sense! people often grow disillusioned with the associated systems and beliefs, and when it was something used to hurt them or something so inseparable from their abuse that they can't engage with it without hurting, it makes total sense that they would disengage entirely. and sometimes they just figure out that they don't really believe in god/a christian god/etc. a healthy deconstruction process can sometimes look like becoming an atheist or converting to another religion. it's all case by case. (note: i'm sure this happens with other religions as well, i'm just most familiar with christian versions of this phenomenon).
but in orel's case, his faith was one of the few things that actually brought him comfort and joy. he loved god, y'know? genuinely. and he felt loved by god and supported by him when he had no one else. and the abuses he faced were in how the people in his life twisted religion to control others, to run away from themselves, to shield them from others, etc. and often, orel's conflicts with how they acted out christianity come as a direct result of his purer understanding of god/jesus/whatever ("aren't we supposed to be like this/do that?" met with an adult's excuse for their own behavior or the fastest way they could think of to get orel to leave them alone (i.e. orel saying i thought we weren't supposed to lie? and clay saying uhhh it doesn't count if you're lying to yourself)). the little guy played catch with god instead of his dad, like.. his faith was real, and his love was real. and i think it's a good choice to have orel maintain something that was so important to him and such a grounding, comforting force in the midst of. All That Stuff Moralton Was Up To/Put Him Through. being all about jesus was not the problem, in orel's case.
and i know i'm mostly assuming that orel ended up in a healthier, less rigid version of christianity, but i feel like that's something that was hinted at a lot through the series, that that's the direction he'd go. when he meditates during the prayer bee and accepts stephanie's different way to communicate, incorporating elements of buddhism into his faith; when he has his I AM A CHURCH breakdown (removing himself from the institution and realizing he can be like,, the center of his own faith? taking a more individualistic approach? but Truly Going Through It at the same time), his acceptance (...sometimes) of those who are different from him and condemned by the adults of moralton (stephanie (lesbian icon stephanie my beloved), christina (who's like. just a slightly different form of fundie protestant from him), dr chosenberg (the jewish doctor from otherton in holy visage)). his track record on this isn't perfect, but it gets better as orel starts maturing and picking up on what an absolute shitfest moralton is. it's all ways of questioning the things he's been taught, and it makes sense that it would lead to a bigger questioning as he puts those pieces together more. anyway i think part of his growth is weeding out all the lost commandments of his upbringing and focusing on what faith means to him, and what he thinks it should mean. how he wants to see the world and how he wants to treat people and what he thinks is okay and right, and looking to religion for guidance in that, not as like. a way to justify hurting those he's afraid or resentful of, as his role models did.
he's coming to his own conclusions rather than obediently, unquestioningly taking in what others say. but he's still listening to pick out the parts that make sense to him. (edit/note: and it's his compassion and his faith that are the primary motivations for this questioning and revisal process, both of individual cases and, eventually, the final boss that is christianity.) it makes perfect sense as the conclusion to his character arc and it fits the overall approach of the show far better. it's good is what i'm saying.
and i think it's important to show that kind of ending, because that's a pretty common and equally valid result of deconstruction. and i think it cements the show's treatment of christianity as something that's often (and maybe even easily) exploited, but not something inherently bad. something that can be very positive, even. guys he even has a dog he's not afraid of loving anymore. he's not afraid of loving anyone more than jesus and i don't think it's because he loves this dog less than bartholomew (though he was probably far more desperate for healthy affection and companionship when he was younger). i think it's because he figures god would want him to love that dog. he's choosing to believe that god would want him to love and to be happy and to be kind. he's not afraid of loving in the wrong way do you know how cool that is he's taking back control he's taking back something he loves from his abusers im so normal
#i had a really big fundie snark phase a year or two ago so that's part of like. this. but im still not used to actually talking about#religious stuff so if it reads kinda awkwardly uhh forgive me orz idk#maybe it sounds dumb but i like that the message isn't 'religion is evil'. it easily could have been. but i think the show's points about#how fundie wasp culture in particular treats christianity and itself and others would be less poignant if they were like. and jesus sucks#btw >:] like. this feels more nuanced to me. i guess there's probably a way to maintain that nuance with an ultimately anti-christian#piece of media but i think it'd be like. wayy harder and it's difficult for me to imagine that bc i think a lot of it would bleed out into#the tone. + why focus on only These christians when They're All also bad? so you'd get jokes about them in general#and i think that's kinda less funny than orel and doughy screaming and running from catholics lsdkjfldksj#i think the specificity makes it more unique and compelling as comedy and as commentary. but that's just me#like moralton represents a very particular kind of christian community (namely a middle class fundie wasp nest)#you're not gonna be able to get in the weeds as much if you're laughing at/criticizing all christians. but they accomplish it so thoroughly#and WELL in morel and i think that's because it chose a smaller target it can get to dissect more intimately. anyway#moral orel#orel puppington#(OH also when i say wasp here i mean WASP the acronym. as in white anglo-saxon protestsant. in case the term's new to anyone <3)#maybe it's also relevant to say that i'm kindaaaaaaaa loosely vaguely nonspecifically christian. so there's my bias revealed#i was never raised like orel but i like to think i get some of what's going on in there y'know. in that big autistic head of his#but it's not like i can't handle anti-christian/anti-religious media/takes. i'm a big boy and also i v much get why it's out there yknow#christianity in specific has a lot of blood on its hands from its own members and from outsiders and people have a right to hate it for tha#but religion in all its forms can be positive and i appreciate the nuance. like i've said around 20 times. yeah :) <3#(<- fighting for my life to explain things even though my one job is to be the explainer)
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i have so many sworn nemeses in this game (bugs, bug nets, nighttime remlits, stamina... ghirahim isnt even close to making it on the list)
#link#ghirahim#skyward sword#tloz skyward sword#tloz#the legend of zelda#skyview temple#nintendo#ghiralink#(sort of)#the first phase of the fight i was all circling around him and everything for a hot minute before i realized he isn't even trying to hurt me#also the cutscene? just after he did the tongue thing#por link had the face of a guy who sure hopes this wont awaken anything in him!#poor*#tater's art
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part fuckign THREEE
aanannd this is it!!!
#more zephyr!!#anyways i had a large votv phase too even though my laptop makes it run at like 21 fps#ace attorney#again!! this was on savedatateams video!! neato!!#ocs of mine doing The Magnet Thing (tm)#frost scotty oc#irwin scotty oc#pokemon#teehee. sylveon trans joke#someone i knew that isn't friends with me anymore (thank god) got REALLY mad at me about that meme shdhfb#rhythm heaven#i made this because i look like the cheer readers
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this guy is honestly making me question too much shit
bc there's no way in hell is just that nice, right?
at this point either: 1. he's being this nice and kind bc he has a crush on me, 2. he's honestly that nice, which will make me have a crush on him, bc omg. he's just the nicest person ever
#aj rambles#sorry but this guy is making me so confused#especially since i was having an “am i even attracted to guys” phase - which is not helping this situation at all......#but like ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh#context if you're nosy: i sent an email to all students on my department with a forms to see if anyone could help in the data acquisition#but like this procedure takes an hour - i said so in the email - so i thought no one would be interested#and he just volunteered?? in the forms?? didn't even tell M - who introduced us - to ask me about it. no he volunteered as if he is actuall#interested in this#which i know he isn't bc i talk to him LOL#and like he does stuff like this all the time. like talk to me if he sees me alone - not just hi - he actually asks about stuff#he's watching an anime bc i recommended it to him. stuff like that#but maybe he's just that nice.#he also talks to my other girl friends like this ig#but we have more *moments* like once we seated together gossiping about his bff's love life LOL#idk#again maybe he's that nice. but then bad new's for my heart bc that is just the sweetest thing#ALSO HE'S SHY!!!!! LIKE BLACK CAT ENERGY!! IM A SUCKER FOR THAT#Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#anyways omg im so sorry for this rant. this makes me think im overreacting#but idc
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Gilbert would not be phased at all by Astolfo. Astolfo could violently attack him and Gilbert would act like it was just another ordinary day. Roland wants Gilbert to make sure Astolfo doesn't kill anyone and the only thing Gilbert asks is how much food he eats. He easily agrees when Roland says a normal human amount.
#pandora hearts#vanitas no carte#gilbert nightray#astolfo granatum#astolfo: let me attack them#gilbert: you have to stay out of trouble#astolfo zaps him to get away#gilbert isn't even phased#break probably did it to him before
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npd + rdr culture is seeing people call dutch a narcissist and going "YEAA KING he's just like me ong" and then promptly realise they're actually insulting him with the word 'narcissist' & i proceed to backpedal ...
#i have no idea how familiar the rdr2 fandom is with personality disorders?? ive seen a lotta ppl be positive with them. like “they're just#like me bcs they totally have x y or z!!“ which is fun to see#but ive also seen a LOT of people throw around the word narcissist as an insult as if it isn't an actual mental illness ppl can have#yikes ... embarrassing 😨😨😨#anyways dutch SOOO has npd (& other things too but that's not relevant for this post)#DUTCH IS A NARCISSIST !!1!!!1!2 :D (stims & dances bcs i'm tired of seeing narc used in Always a demonising way)#rdr2#dutch van der linde#rdr#npd#narcissistic personality disorder#he's just like me 🤩#when i was still in my “i literally can't be a narc because i'm literally perfect” phase i literally hated dutch and i hated him even more#bcs of how much i related to him#the urge to say “— i'm not abusive!” so ppl don't get the wrong idea vs hating to need to constantly make it clear that npd ≠ abuse & i can#talk abt his npd & relate to it without the Other Stuff™#i once saw a meme abt dutch's narcissism & loved it so much before proceeding to realise it was made by an ableist#ableism tw
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I've come to the stunning realization-
-that Lore Olympus is basically to the webtoons industry what Youtube Kids is to Youtube.
And I'm not talking about the general "Youtube Kids" label, I'm talking about those videos - Elsagate, Johny Johny, Cocomelon, Mickey Mouse tattooing Spongebob or whatever other weird example you can think of - which are explicitly designed to game the algorithm, turn views into money, and most of all, gain and keep the attention of the one demographic that won't question what they're consuming - children.
!!!!THIS POST HAS FAST PASS SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!
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I mean, this is undoubtedly just a tinfoil hat theory, but think about it:
Bright oversaturated colors that are attention-grabbing.
Meme faces and 'lol rAnDoM' humor even when it doesn't suit the situation at all.
Art that's all around ugly and cheap on a technical level but still stands out due to its color design and prioritized advertising.
Vapid surface level scene-to-scene writing that doesn't connect or have any meaning in any coherent way.
One-dimensional projection characters who are easy to manipulate and sway for audience sympathy or anger even if those opinions change on a dime based on actions in the moment.
Cliffhangers that are less like true cliffhangers and more like clickbait. Episodes nowadays tend to be filled with drawn out plotlines, vague hints that can be applied to just about any school of thought, and non-sequitur memes to fill the time until they can hook the reader with another cliffhanger to keep them coming back next week.
Coin prices have gone up but episode length, substance, and quality have noticeably gone down. Even if they reach the same panel count they usually have, dialogue is minimal and pacing is brutally inconsistent to the point that plot progression is often non-existent.
Banner ads that run constantly, often in the first or second (or both) slots, with push notifications and pop-up ads also becoming more frequent whether you're subscribed to the comic or not.
And underneath ALL of that, we've got blatant objectifying and sexualization of female characters regardless of context, misogyny that claims to be progressive, racist undertones, borderline fetish content that constantly toes the Terms of Services line, normalization of problematic/toxic relationship dynamics, a creator who's more interested in 'getting back' at critics than writing an actual story, and underlying messaging both from the characters' and the creator's behavior that encourage witch-hunting, rejection of accountability, and blind devotion.
All this is essentially why I've given up consuming LO entirely, beyond just on a critical level as of late. There was a time long ago when I stuck around in the hopes it was going to get better, that maybe it was just going through a "rough patch" as some stories do. After that I stuck around because I wanted to see how it could possibly pull off its ending. And then after that, I simply stuck around for the laughs and community banter. But now I don't even find it funny anymore, the punchline of how bad it is has gotten incredibly old. And at this rate, as much as we'd like to believe it's going to end in its third season as it's been mentioned in the past, we also were told it was going to end between 100-200 episodes prior to that - the way it's going, I can't even stick around "for the ending" because LO is going to be around for as long as WT tries to milk it, despite it no longer having a heartbeat.
As much as I've loved talking shit about this comic and it's undoubtedly the main reason so many of you followed me here in the first place, I'm not going to lock myself in some kind of purgatory hell just to be proven what I already know is going to happen - either the comic continues on forever, doomed to be a lifeless mascot for the zombie corporation that is WT, or RS eats shit while trying to stick the landing with a plane that has no functional parts.
There's a quote from Caddicarus that I couldn't help but think of as I typed this up, from his nearly-decade-old review of Dalmations 3 (oh god, it's nearly been a decade since that video came out what the actual fuck-)
"And this is where I officially lost all fucking care. I realized it wasn't going to end anytime soon. It's one of those rare instances where the novelty of how awful everything is actually gets really tiresome and unfunny." - Caddicarus
#this isn't me saying i'm not gonna talk about LO ever again#i'm just explaining why i haven't engaged with it directly for weeks now and why my LO essays are less often nowadays#i'm even slowly phasing out of the critical community for it#it's just exhausting#and bad for my mental health#i'd rather put my efforts into something positive like rekindled than continue to give this propaganda on a stick more attention#i still love all the pals in the community but it's more to do with the content itself that's being discussed than the people discussing it#lore olympus critical#anti lore olympus#antiloreolympus#lo critical
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hades 2 hot take that's gonna get me probably excommunicated (underworld end boss spoilers)
the people who complain about the pause disabling feature before even finding out that an in-game way to disable it exists, hit me on the same annoyed bone spot as those who complain about the new dash 3 days into the game. They see an obstacle and the knee jerk reaction is to protest Right Now instead of framing it as a thing that might have a workaround later, either as something mechanically provided, or something they can learn over time.
I'm getting behind the request that pause enabling shouldn't be locked behind winning, but there's enough people wanting it straight up gone that I want to scream.
Accessibility should mean better availability of solutions, not removing the problem.
#hades 2#hades 2 spoilers#they should also just. be sentenced to playing jankier near-solo indie games until a suitable level of tilt-proofness has been acquired#like even a solution that appears immediately afterwards isn't fast enough they just want all barriers gone gone gone#while phrasing it as “accessibility” so it's morally harder for anyone to object to#if you want the accessibility argument then again that should be about the recipe cost not the existence#“it's not fair” you know what's not fair. Hades' own phase 2#and that is super tame by game BS standards#*random middlegame bosses* having second phases are in games like Hollow Knight or Sekiro#dying one additional time likely relatively early in a game that's based *around*#death and rebirth really should not tilt people as much as it does#not to mention all the “the game is trying to make it more Important than me”#if you have important life stuff then you can just you know. Lose the run in one of the more forgiving games in the genre????#even cult of the lamb doesn't let you pick the starting weapon and spell#this is not targeting any single person btw all these arguments I've seen multiple times
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yesterday i was rewatching some episodes of Barry's vlog (it's my silly little comfort series heeehehee), specifically the drawing episode where he draws a scientist and Flash from memory. i decided it'd be fun to draw along from memory with him and i ended up drawing these doodles, one of which i went back and cleaned up after i sketched it!!
lil scientist sketch (didn't feel like drawing their legs so now they are legless lmaoo)
here's the Flash drawing i made!! this is actually the first time i've properly drawn him!! i drew him ages ago but it wasn't like. an actual proper drawing. i drew him from how i remember him looking in some of the original Jetpack Joyride promo art made for him, and while it isn't perfect, it's cute and i like the way i drew him :) he's so round and ponderable like an orb
also drawing Flash reminded me of the iDog accessory so i doodled some iDogs too :D
#jetpack joyride#jetpack joyride flash#flash jetpack joyride#flash the robot dog#jetpack joyride scientist#idog#barry's vlog is actually so enjoyable for me#i know it isn't really well-liked in the fandom and i don't see it as 100% canon but i think it's so stupid and silly and i love it a lot#it has a lot of genuinely funny moments and i love hearing barry just talk about stuff#i've gotten used to the little vtuber model they use for barry at this point. like it doesn't even phase me anymore#it's like yeah he looks like that. that's my weird little guy. i love him very much#the ''Man Whose Face Looks Scary From A Certain Direction'' joke from vlog 43 is so funny to me#i should compile all my favourite moments from barry's vlog i think. that would be very fun :)#anyway yeag. i loved drawing flash he's fun to draw :D#i should draw the idog more too he's so cute and silly i love him#heehehehee lala ♥️#drawing#doodle#sketch#sketches
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I think that Donna Troy and Garth/Tempest should have their kids restored to main continuity (maybe at the age they were last seen pre-52 bc I know they??? Died?????) both bc it'd be nice for those two to get closure/second chances at parenthood but ALSO
Because I think it'd be funny if Dick Grayson. "chronic over achiever used to being labeled the defacto Most Adult of all his teen associates" was in his late 20s surrounded by friends who are all (mostly) either married or separated with kids (some of whom are teenagers due to time shenanigans) meanwhile he's got like. A dog
#ramblings of a lunatic#dc comics#dc#back to back Dick Grayson posts.. who have i become??#titans#i just think it'd be funny#CRUCIALLY i do not think this should play into dick being incompetent. he's occasionally a moderate goofball but he's got it together-#-on every front except his personal life#some of his close friends have been married and/or divorced? he JUST got out of the situationship phase w/ babs as of a year ago#WHICH ISN'T TO SAY YOU MUST HAVE KIDS AND A SPOUSE BY YOUR LATE TWENTIES OR ANYTHING#i just think it'd be a fun little look into the different stages ppl are at in their 20s/30s like#Roy is a single dad and has been since he was about 19/20 (iirc? correct me if wrong). wallys married w/ three kids. donnas been divorced#i just think you'd get an interesting story out of it. maybe#plus i do think that married w/ kids is something that dick wants for himself eventually. family is very important to him#but also I'm picturing him being surrounded by his friends w/ babies all the time and being struck with baby fever#babs is NOT on board she is nowhere near ready for parenting if she'll ever even be. take that energy 10000 miles away from her#dick breaking down in the grocery store bc baby socks are too cute and small and babs pretending she doesn't know him#dick: i want a baby#babs: well I don't want to get pregnant#dick (forgetting you can adopt kids in a non trauma bond way): <:'(
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Not a coherent thesis here yet but I've been thinking lately about the dynamic of.... people who loved you unconditionally as a kid (or on the condition of being family, which is another weird dynamic) - but as you got older that became strained because you grew into someone they didn't expect and they realized that they did have conditions, actually.
I mean. There are people who had conditions all along, but just didn't mention them until you didn't meet them. And there's people who spent the whole time actively trying to mold you into someone who would meet their conditions.
But there's also people who truly didn't realize that you could grow up into someone that surprised them, that pushed their concepts of normal reasonable people. I think often because they themselves were constrained in their childhoods and mentally closed off whole worlds of options of ways people could be, without realizing it. So they thought kids just sort of naturally grew out of those sorts of quirks and eccentricities. Without realizing how much that dynamic was driven by active suppression, and how weird people could get if you just let them.
There's one such person in my life who has truly tried to grow and learn as this has come up, over and over again. And I really love and respect her for it, even if sometimes its a little exhausting to have to keep pushing at it. Keep explaining, and expanding, and not being hurt by her baseline of confusion that I'm still just.... not someone she knows how to expect. Even after all this time. But she does love me unconditionally. And for her that's the baseline, and she's willing to put in the work to expand her understanding of the world to know what it means to love me for who I am, even if it doesn't always come easily to her.
And then there's other people who run into this same tension and don't know what to do with it. They don't realize that loving you for who you are means putting in work to expand their concept of ways people can be. They don't try to overtly push you into not being like that but they keep holding out the expectation that you will, because how are they supposed to love you being like that? And of course as a kid, a teen, a young adult, you don't really have words for it either. You can feel the tension, the dissonance between the way they openly offer love to you that doesn't seem to fit, and the way they react to with confusion or distaste to parts of you that you can't change, or don't want to. Sometimes to things in yourself you can't even identify. So sometimes you make an effort to hide those things and act like they want. And sometimes you buckle down on being yourself. But neither approach really seems to fill the gap. You can't recieve affection and have it fit at the same time.
And eventually it just feels like you've sort of failed each other. By the time you have the words and self awareness to know what went wrong and where, it's too late to draw the chasm closed.
It's not too late to bridge it. But if we make this effort as adults, with the conditionality of adult relationships, you'll have to see me as I am and accept that - or be a stranger.
It's weird, to be like strangers with people who've known you your whole life.
#big long self indulgent rambling.#To reiterate this is not about people whose love for children is overtly conditional or involves bullying you into being a certain way#That's a whole other thing.#This is about people who think they're not doing that but actually don't know how not to.#And you end up not really knowing how to feel about it because you know they're trying. Or they think they're trying.#You know they don't mean badly and even that they want to love you#But that's not the same as actually. Loving you for who you actually are.#There's a lot of people in my family for whom I have a lot of affection but I experience it in a very detached way#Because their love for me has long felt detached because it encompasses a version of me that just isn't quite accurate.#And I feel like it's not entirely their fault that I haven't made that inaccuracy more clear to them.#I never went for a teenage-rebellion 'you dont even know who I am!!' type of phase which in retrospect feels like it might have helped#But it's just a pervasive sort of misconception that's hard to address directly enough to clear it up#Especially when times I've shown a little more of my hand more honestly have not..... gone down well.#This is about queerness and genderqueerness and neurodivergence and probably also other things#Oh and being unemployed with no life plans even though 'you had so much potential!'#it's about that too
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Currently in my banging my head against the wall phase. Hope you all are well 🥰
#Doc told me to schedule another MRI on Tuesday. They said they sent the order over on Tuesday.#I call on Tuesday to schedule the appointment. They don't have the referral yet#I called yesterday to try and schedule. They STILL don't have the referral#I message my doc and make sure they actually sent it over to the right place. (They did.)#They say they'll fax it over again! Great!#I call AGAIN today. They STILL don't have the referral#Bro I just need to schedule this fucking MRI so I can find out what's WRONG with me#The girl on the phone was like 'Oh yeah we're real busy we get orders all the time it must not have hit the system yet'#BRO IT'S BEEN THREE DAYS. HOW HAS NOBODY SEEN IT. TEARING my hair out#I went to their website to try and schedule online. Guess what? THEIR GODDAMN SCHEDULING ASSISTANT IS DOWN FOR MAITENANCE#SCREAMS#Anyway yes so in my banging my head against the wall phase. I'm so tired#And still in pain! To nobody's surprise!!#They can't fix what's wrong with me if I can't even get in to get an MRI. Hello. PLEASE#This isn't really smth that can wait a couple weeks#I should've been in to see them like YESTERDAY.#My pain is so bad I had to stay at home today. And I go and ice my back every hour or so#Bc I can't sit down for more than 45 minutes without wanting to kill myself ;))))#Shima speaks#I'M SORRY I'm just so. I've been over this for months. And now that I'm THIS close to getting answers#I can't. Seem to get these people to schedule an appointment for me#Grinds my teeth
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