#this isn't even a matter of differences in politics anymore this is just straight up death to trans people

[king-killaway]

Oh don't you just love transwomen getting perma banned off this site and transmen's voices being silenced every damn day on here

Only for the explosion of extremely bigoted terf rhetoric to be spewed left and right everywhere on this damn platform?

Its so fun isn't it

[cyberphuck]

So, about the story of how I met my dad and why I love him so much

@qthewhatever asked me to talk about my dad, how he became my dad, and our relationship. I thought this was going to be a fun jaunt through good memories, with maybe a few grateful tears along the way. But the story of why my dad is so special to me can't be told without the context of why my mother *isn't* special to me, and the stark difference between how he treats me, and how I was treated by her. The cliff's notes version (do they even have those anymore?): Dad became my dad kind of by accident, when Seb and I started "pretending" to be siblings in order to be able to rent a room together. Dad is Seb's dad, so it follows that since I'm Seb's sibling, Dad is my dad too. Then he just... fell into the role, because dads gotta dad. He is always proud of me, no matter what, and no matter how badly I fuck something up he could never, ever stop loving me. He cares about me and doesn't get annoyed by the ups and downs of my moods. He lets me cry when I need to. He lets me take a break when I need to. He loves me, *really* loves me, so totally and completely that even though we look absolutely nothing alike, no one who has ever seen us together doubts that he's raised me from birth. That's not what it was like with my mom. I only got so far through recounting her decades of abuse before I found that I couldn't do it anymore. I'm still going to post what I have, because I think other people should read it and maybe become comfortable talking about their abuse *as* abuse and not "I'm sure I was doing something wrong somehow, and it was my fault they were always so angry at me." Also, I spent a long time working on it. This is not a happy story. trigger warnings: child abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, mental illness, mentions of suicide, mentions of self harm, mentions of various serial killers, mentions of psychiatric hospitals, autism portrayed in a negative tone, fatphobia, and brief mentions of drugs and drug use. (this story is also not complete; it stops when I'm around 27, but I added an epilogue.)

My family had been in various financial situations throughout my childhood, but I was raised upper middle class, which was the same tax bracket that my mom had been raised in. My biodad, Ichiro (Dave) left when I was three, and I saw him once ten years later and then never again. So mom raised my older brother Nick and I by herself (except for a 3 year stint with Chris the Coke Addict Who's Dead Now) up until I was thirteen.

I'll admit I was not an easy kid to raise. I was (and still am) weird and awkward and autistic and prone to oversharing with strangers as well as long crying spells over seemingly low-importance things. Nick was also sensitive and somewhere on the spectrum, but it was me who was the loud one, the hyper one, the one who people politely said was a "late bloomer" and "marched to the beat of their own drummer" (at one point my mom told me I was "marching backwards.") I refused or forgot to eat so often that at six I became malnourished enough to warrant a visit by CPS. I was always being called into the principal's office for doing weird shit at school, like making potions out of shampoo and throwing them at passing cars or lion-roaring at boys I didn't like or whatever. When I got sick, I got VERY sick, like the time I straight up got Scarlet Fever and almost died, or the time I had a fever so high I started convulsing, or the lots of times that I had to do fasting blood draws every month because I had a very low red blood cell count and no one could figure out why.

Bottom line I was very weird. Mom was weird too, my grandparents were weird, but they knew how to "show" in public. I didn't. Nick's nickname for me was "The Spaz." Worse, I constantly craved attention and had absolutely no concept of Stranger Danger (I still kind of don't), and the year I was born, Richard Ramirez was active and killing in Southern California where my mom and Dave lived. In 1992, Jeffrey Dahmer was arrested and his apartment full of chunks of Milwaukee's queer community was broadcasted all over the news. In 1978, when my mom was a young woman, Mary Vincent was attacked by a man who picked her up while hitchhiking. He assaulted her and then attacked her with a hatchet, cutting both her arms off above the elbow. She has hooks for hands now. 

To keep me by her side and not wandering around out in the open, mom told me about all this. Everything-- that Dahmer was killing and eating people, that Ramirez tortured and murdered people, and how Mary Vincent had asked a strange man for a ride and now she had no arms. There's a scene in the beginning of *A Time to Kill* by John Grisham where a young black girl is being raped and tortured by two white men. It's a page or two long, but very graphic, and when I was eight my mom sat me down and made me read it to show me what could happen to me if I went anywhere alone.

At the time, we lived in Lausanne, Switzerland, which is not exactly a hotbed of violent crime.

All that aside, I was a cute kid and a good-looking teenager. I was adorably freckly with never-neat red hair, and then grew into a curvy teen with long red hair and wore cute clothes. Mom bragged to people that I was an author and an artist, and she would often tell me that she loved how 'cool' I was. (cool, in this sense, meant wearing the clothes she bought me and not styling my hair in any way she found ugly. She often pointed out ugly people on TV or on the street, and say something like 'I'm glad YOU don't dress like that.') 

I was smart-- I didn't get good grades because I could never get around to doing my homework, but I scored high on tests and most teachers liked me. I wasn't one of the popular kids, but I was always the leader of whatever little gang I was in, deciding where we went and what we did, and mom loved that, too. And she really, *really* wanted me to go into medicine.

Junior and senior year was where it all started to fall apart. 

Mom's husband is a veteran with severe PTSD. 2001 - 2005 were the worst years with him; he was overbearing at the best of times and the fact that he was a boomer from Brooklyn and I was a millenial from LA really didn't help us see eye to eye. But he had a hair trigger and would back me against a wall to loom over you  and scream in your face. Nick, who was taller and angrier than me, would scream back. Once, Nick was sent to the store for parmesan cheese and came home with the powder kind in the green can instead of the tub of the fancy grated cheese, and the resulting shouting match almost ended in a fist fight.

My depression started getting really bad when I was 17. By 18, I started self-harming, and for the first time had the thought that if I died, if I was gone and were nothing, everything would be better. I also had my first hospitalization.

I'm at 21 inpatient psychiatric stays now.

Worse, I was an adult now and had not transferred gracefully from high school to college (to go into medicine, nothing else was enough for her). I didn't even have a graduation-- I tested out of school in early 2003 and the only pomp and circumstance I got was a half-sheet of paper with 'CALIFORNIA HIGH SCHOOL PROFICIENCY EXAMINATION' printed on it. I had gained a lot of weight, partly due to meds and partly from depression and post-school downtime. She told me my hair looked like a rat's nest and once remarked to her husband, 'look at the size of her!' I no longer wore cute clothes and was not actively trying to turn my art or writing into a profitable career. 

Mom and her husband told me that I absolutely had to go back to school again, or they'd kick me out. The closest community college was two counties away (counties in California are really big). They told me they'd only take me to the nearest bus stop (still an hours' drive) and then I'd have to take a three-hour bus ride to the campus. The absolute earliest bus left at six am, which meant that I could only take classes starting at 10 am, and then had to leave by 2 pm to take the bus back home (the return bus did go all the way back to my area, but didn't run as often). 

They treated my trek back and forth to campus every day not with pride or pity, but contempt, as in "this is what you get for not succeeding." I had two more hospital stays.

After a particularly bad episode with mom's husband where he tried to force his way through a door and I had to climb out a window to get to neighbor's house and call 911, I moved out to stay with Nick, who had left about a year earlier. I was determined to be an adult and build a life for myself, but my depression and self-harming got steadily worse, and though I had several jobs and tried to go to college, every few months I'd do some serious damage to myself and end up back in the psych ward, pushing all my plans back to zero.

Nick moved in with his girlfriend, leaving me to shoulder the rent on our room on my own. I managed for about six months, but I couldn't stay at any job for long. I went to live with Skittle, where my depression took such a nosedive that a lot of nights were just spent huddled in a ball and sobbing. I felt worthless. I felt like I was nothing. 

Skittle and I broke up, and with nowhere to go, I moved back in with my mom. There were short periods thereafter that I would move out again, but basically, after I turned 23, I didn't get away from her again for five years.

Mom was never really happy with me again. I helped out wherever I could, going with her to the ranch where her horses were and volunteering to do all the dirty or hard tasks so she could have more time to ride. I did not and still do not like horses and have no interest in riding them. I went to make her happy. I wanted to do whatever I could to make her like me.

(Mom's ranch friends loved me, because I had been taught to show well in public. With them, I was witty and hard-working, and so sweet to come there to help my mom. Didn't I want to get on a horse, just once? No?)

I brought my mom breakfast and her meds when she woke up, so she could lay in bed while they took effect instead of having to hobble to the kitchen. I did chores around the house. I took the laundry to the laundromat twice a week, and brought them home clean and folded. I walked the dogs and took them to the park. 

My mom told me that I was a draw on finances. I started cleaning houses, and eventually lucked into a job cleaning weed for a hefty sum of money. I made enough money in one three-day weekend to buy my own car, which was a good thing since mom's truck was repossessed not long after. I'd gotten the trimming job in November. I sometimes stayed over at the weed guy's house so I could do two or three days of trimming in a row. In December mom told me that all I cared about was money.

Early the next year, my boss was between sales, so he was late paying me. I owed my mom two hundred dollars (I can't remember for what), and she treated me with open hatred for every day I didn't have it. Bitter and upset, I posted something on facebook to the effect of "does anyone know where I can find two hundred dollars so my mom will love me again?" Mom saw it and sent me a message: 

"you want to play this game? better not call for a while I better not see you for a while. a person must learn to keep family business private [Jaydee]."

I also got:

“Just sit there and pretend you’re not here.”

“I’m trying to reminisce about happier times, before all this.”

“You know you think it’s all about you, but I had your brother first.”

“If you don’t like the things I say to you, leave and find someplace with someone nicer.”

“Go get a shrink and figure out why you’re like this all the time.”

[epilogue: the next year, I was planning to commit suicide because I saw no other way out. Seb offered to let me stay with him in Texas; my options were Texas, or death. I pondered that for a while. A few weeks later, I got a refund of a Pell Grant from my college that they'd mistakenly taken two years earlier. Mom and her husband made it expressly clear that as soon as the money hit my account, I was to hand it over to them. Instead, I bought a plane ticket, pulled out the rest of the money in cash, wiped my ass with her husband's face towel, and snuck out with two suitcases in the middle of the night. I had left a note for mom saying I didn't want to be abused anymore and told her I was going to stay with a friend in Central California to throw her off my trail. I also told her that if she ever tried to find me, or bothered any of my friends to get information, I would put all of her secrets and records of her abuse on facebook for all her friends and relatives to read.

I didn't see her or speak to her again for nearly ten years, until this May. Then I flipped her off.]

[ianschip]

Va Shnuj and Ian talk about sexuality. Time: during Ian's training before joining civilization. PART 1

Va Shnuj walks in circles around Ian, who is in the floor kneeling down.

"Are you sure about this?" Cold and dry, Va Shnuj speaks to Ian avoiding eye contact. "Are you sure you are a faggot?"

"Uhm, what's so bad about that?" Ian confidently asked

"Well, you can be whatever you want as long as you are careful of which group of people you identify as. Life will push you left and right but how you behave will determine what type of man you are." says Va Shnuj

"Are we really that different? Are straight men really that different from homosexual men?" Ian didn't think so. And even if we were so different, it wouldn't matter because nobody could claim superiority over other groups.

"I don't know, Ian, is a culture better than the other if one sacrifices their children in the name of an invisible deity and the other doesn't? It may not sound politically correct but there are indeed more civilized groups of people than others." Va Shnuj answers.

Ian stood up from the ground, he felt uncomfortable. As if a line was crossed and he couldn't bear it. But he didn't walk away. Deep down he knew that the words that entered his ears were factual.

So Va Shnuj's eyes finally meet Ian's and starts speaking loudly and directly to him: "Stadistically, gay men consume more porn than straight men, why? Stadistically, straight men's content is more focused on self-improvement. Why? Stadistically, more straight men put more effort in stopping their consumption of porn. Why? Stadistically, more gay men are into cheating and polyamorous relationships. Why? Why? Why?"

"Cheating too?" asks Ian "Even when gay men are stadistically more polyamorous they also are more likely to cheat their partners?"

"Stadistically speaking that is correct" says Va Shnuj "They are also more likely to abuse substances"

"But why?"

"Culture, Ian. You have to be very careful what you identify as and what culture do you want to participate in. Not every group of people is worth relating with, not every group of people has morality and value as priority, not all the time and not in every department, at least. Who you relate to, who you associate with, determines who you are. We are mere vessels of energy, and everything around changes us."

There is a pause. A speechless moment. Both men stopped to think. Then Va Shnuj breaks the silence.

"Even the content and art fags are into are more likely to display genitals, anuses, fetishes of all sorts. You know what's really funny? They fetishize straight men!" The last words echoed in the room and inside Ian's head. After a loud laugh, Va Shnuj continues:

"Sexuality is great but some are mere imbeciles who would rather die than take care of the little light left inside of them. How pathetic" Va Shnuj seemed to speak with bitterness, some feeling of disgust that came deep within, like an open wound that never healed leaking its blood onto his words.

He possibly didn't remember his uncle's abuse when he spoke but the mind definetiley kept the score. Va Shnuj was poisoned far beyond his knowledge thus the harshness in his speech.

Ian snaps back "What's so wrong with porn?"

"Oh please. Enter yourbrainonporn dot com, google it, listen to testimonies, read researches. I'm not doing all your homework. You are the one who cares about spiritual growth."

Ian tries to look somewhere else that isn't Va Shnuj's face. He couldn't look at him in the eye anymore. Maybe he felt stupid for not realizing what he heard before. It was so obvious. The differences in each group were astonishingly humongous, it was clear to see and it just took a few google searches to realize it.

"Be careful. You are dismissed" Va Shnuj ends the conversation. He got the last word as always. He smiles and waits for Ian to exit the room so he can giggle in private. Nothing brought him more pleasure than using humans to prove his conclusions right. Once Ian was convinced, his job was done. And that was, for him, very funny.

°°°

Ian did not want to believe what he heard was true. It was. And he would later meet homosexuals that proved Va Shnuj's perspective right.

After that realization, Ian would always say he was straight, even if he just had sweaty and incredible sex with another man. he would deny it and everyone would believe that it was a joke. A skit.

And if someone asked why he was saying that, Ian would simply say: He made me say it.

[hellomynameisbisexual]

Here's a shortlist of those who realized that I — a cis woman who'd identified as heterosexual for decades of life — was in fact actually bi, long before I realized it myself recently: my sister, all my friends, my boyfriend, and the TikTok algorithm.

On TikTok, the relationship between user and algorithm is uniquely (even sometimes uncannily) intimate. An app which seemingly contains as many multitudes of life experiences and niche communities as there are people in the world, we all start in the lowest common denominator of TikTok. Straight TikTok (as it's popularly dubbed) initially bombards your For You Page with the silly pet videos and viral teen dances that folks who don't use TikTok like to condescendingly reduce it to.

Quickly, though, TikTok begins reading your soul like some sort of divine digital oracle, prying open layers of your being never before known to your own conscious mind. The more you use it, the more tailored its content becomes to your deepest specificities, to the point where you get stuff that's so relatable that it can feel like a personal attack (in the best way) or (more dangerously) even a harmful trigger from lifelong traumas.

For example: I don't know what dark magic (read: privacy violations) immediately clued TikTok into the fact that I was half-Brazilian, but within days of first using it, Straight TikTok gave way to at first Portuguese-speaking then broader Latin TikTok. Feeling oddly seen (being white-passing and mostly American-raised, my Brazilian identity isn't often validated), I was liberal with the likes, knowing that engagement was the surefire way to go deeper down this identity-affirming corner of the social app.

TikTok made lots of assumptions from there, throwing me right down the boundless, beautiful, and oddest multiplicities of Alt TikTok, a counter to Straight TikTok's milquetoast mainstreamness.

Home to a wide spectrum of marginalized groups, I was giving out likes on my FYP like Oprah, smashing that heart button on every type of video: from TikTokers with disabilities, Black and Indigenous creators, political activists, body-stigma-busting fat women, and every glittering shade of the LGBTQ cornucopia. The faves were genuine, but also a way to support and help offset what I knew about the discriminatory biases in TikTok's algorithm.

My diverse range of likes started to get more specific by the minute, though. I wasn't just on general Black TikTok anymore, but Alt Cottagecore Middle-Class Black Girl TikTok (an actual label one creator gave her page's vibes). Then it was Queer Latina Roller Skating Girl TikTok, Women With Non-Hyperactive ADHD TikTok, and then a double whammy of Women Loving Women (WLW) TikTok alternating between beautiful lesbian couples and baby bisexuals.

Looking back at my history of likes, the transition from queer “ally” to “salivating simp” is almost imperceptible.

There was no one precise "aha" moment. I started getting "put a finger down" challenges that wouldn't reveal what you were putting a finger down for until the end. Then, 9-fingers deep (winkwink), I'd be congratulated for being 100% bisexual. Somewhere along the path of getting served multiple WLW Disney cosplays in a single day and even dom lesbian KinkTok roleplay — or whatever the fuck Bisexual Pirate TikTok is — deductive reasoning kind of spoke for itself.

But I will never forget the one video that was such a heat-seeking missile of a targeted attack that I was moved to finally text it to my group chat of WLW friends with a, "Wait, am I bi?" To which the overwhelming consensus was, "Magic 8 Ball says, 'Highly Likely.'"

Serendipitously posted during Pride Month, the video shows a girl shaking her head at the caption above her head, calling out confused and/or closeted queers who say shit like, "I think everyone is a LITTLE bisexual," to the tune of "Closer" by The Chainsmokers. When the lyrics land on the word "you," she points straight at the screen — at me — her finger and inquisitive look piercing my hopelessly bisexual soul like Cupid's goddamn arrow.

Oh no, the voice inside my head said, I have just been mercilessly perceived.

As someone who had, in fact, done feminist studies at a tiny liberal arts college with a gender gap of about 70 percent women, I'd of course dabbled. I've always been quick to bring up the Kinsey scale, to champion a true spectrum of sexuality, and to even declare (on multiple occasions) that I was, "straight, but would totally fuck that girl!"

Oh no, the voice inside my head returned, I've literally just been using extra words to say I was bi.

After consulting the expertise of my WLW friend group (whose mere existence, in retrospect, also should've clued me in on the flashing neon pink, purple, and blue flag of my raging bisexuality), I ran to my boyfriend to inform him of the "news."

"Yeah, baby, I know. We all know," he said kindly.

"How?!" I demanded.

Well for one, he pointed out, every time we came across a video of a hot girl while scrolling TikTok together, I'd without fail watch the whole way through, often more than once, regardless of content. (Apparently, straight girls do not tend to do this?) For another, I always breathlessly pointed out when we'd pass by a woman I found beautiful, often finding a way to send a compliment her way. ("I'm just a flirt!" I used to rationalize with a hand wave, "Obvs, I'm not actually sexually attracted to them!") Then, I guess, there were the TED Talk-like rants I'd subject him to about the thinly veiled queer relationship in Adventure Time between Princess Bubblegum and Marcelyne the Vampire Queen — which the cowards at Cartoon Network forced creators to keep as subtext!

And, well, when you lay it all out like that...

But my TikTok-fueled bisexual awakening might actually speak less to the omnipotence of the app's algorithm, and more to how heteronormativity is truly one helluva drug.

Sure, TikTok bombarded me with the thirst traps of my exact type of domineering masc lady queers, who reduced me to a puddle of drool I could no longer deny. But I also recalled a pivotal moment in college when I briefly questioned my heterosexuality, only to have a lesbian friend roll her eyes and chastise me for being one of those straight girls who leads Actual Queer Women on. I figured she must know better. So I never pursued any of my lady crushes in college, which meant I never experimented much sexually, which made me conclude that I couldn't call myself bisexual if I'd never had actual sex with a woman. I also didn't really enjoy lesbian porn much, though the fact that I'd often find myself fixating on the woman during heterosexual porn should've clued me into that probably coming more from how mainstream lesbian porn is designed for straight men.

The ubiquity of heterormativity, even when unwittingly perpetrated by members of the queer community, is such an effective self-sustaining cycle. Aside from being met with queer-gating (something I've since learned bi folks often experience), I had a hard time identifying my attraction to women as genuine attraction, simply because it felt different to how I was attracted to men.

Heteronormativity is truly one helluva drug.

So much of women's sexuality — of my sexuality — can feel defined by that carnivorous kind of validation you get from men. I met no societal resistance in fully embodying and exploring my desire for men, either (which, to be clear, was and is insatiable slut levels of wanting that peen.) But in retrospect, I wonder how many men I slept with not because I was truly attracted to them, but because I got off on how much they wanted me.

My attraction to women comes with a different texture of eroticism. With women (and bare with a baby bi, here), the attraction feels more shared, more mutual, more tender rather than possessive. It's no less raw or hot or all-consuming, don't get me wrong. But for me at least, it comes more from a place of equality rather than just power play. I love the way women seem to see right through me, to know me, without us really needing to say a word.

I am still, as it turns out, a sexual submissive through-and-through, regardless of what gender my would-be partner is. But, ignorantly and unknowingly, I'd been limiting my concept of who could embody dominant sexual personas to cis men. But when TikTok sent me down that glorious rabbit hole of masc women (who know exactly what they're doing, btw), I realized my attraction was not to men, but a certain type of masculinity. It didn't matter which body or genitalia that presentation came with.

There is something about TikTok that feels particularly suited to these journeys of sexual self-discovery and, in the case of women loving women, I don't think it's just the prescient algorithm. The short-form video format lends itself to lightning bolt-like jolts of soul-bearing nakedness, with the POV camera angles bucking conventions of the male gaze, which entrenches the language of film and TV in heterosexual male desire.

In fairness to me, I'm far from the only one who missed their inner gay for a long time — only to have her pop out like a queer jack-in-the-box throughout a near year-long quarantine that led many of us to join TikTok. There was the baby bi mom, and scores of others who no longer had to publicly perform their heterosexuality during lockdown — only to realize that, hey, maybe I'm not heterosexual at all?

Flooded with video after video affirming my suspicions, reflecting my exact experiences as they happened to others, the change in my sexual identity was so normalized on TikTok that I didn't even feel like I needed to formally "come out." I thought this safe home I'd found to foster my baby bisexuality online would extend into the real world.

But I was in for a rude awakening.

Testing out my bisexuality on other platforms, casually referring to it on Twitter, posting pictures of myself decked out in a rainbow skate outfit (which I bought before realizing I was queer), I received nothing but unquestioning support and validation. Eventually, I realized I should probably let some members of my family know before they learned through one of these posts, though.

Daunted by the idea of trying to tell my Latina Catholic mother and Swiss Army veteran father (who's had a crass running joke about me being a "lesbian" ever since I first declared myself a feminist at age 12), I chose the sibling closest to me. Seeing as how gender studies was one of her majors in college too, I thought it was a shoo-in. I sent an off-handed, joke-y but serious, "btw I'm bi now!" text, believing that's all that would be needed to receive the same nonchalant acceptance I found online.

It was not.

I didn't receive a response for two days. Hurt and panicked by what was potentially my first mild experience of homophobia, I called them out. They responded by insisting we need to have a phone call for such "serious" conversations. As I calmly tried to express my hurt on said call, I was told my text had been enough to make this sibling worry about my mental wellbeing. They said I should be more understanding of why it'd be hard for them to (and I'm paraphrasing) "think you were one way for twenty-eight years" before having to contend with me deciding I was now "something else."

But I wasn't "something else," I tried to explain, voice shaking. I hadn't knowingly been deceiving or hiding this part of me. I'd simply discovered a more appropriate label. But it was like we were speaking different languages. Other family members were more accepting, thankfully. There are many ways I'm exceptionally lucky, my IRL environment as supportive as Baby Bi TikTok. Namely, I'm in a loving relationship with a man who never once mistook any of it as a threat, instead giving me all the space in the world to understand this new facet of my sexuality.

I don't have it all figured out yet. But at least when someone asks if I listen to Girl in Red on social media, I know to answer with a resounding, "Yes," even though I've never listened to a single one of her songs. And for now, that's enough.

[maplecornia]

Namjoon

𝔞/𝔫: this will be in Namjoon's POV

𝔴𝔬𝔯𝔡 𝔠𝔬𝔲𝔫𝔱: 2.85K

𝔤𝔢𝔫𝔯𝔢: romance | slice of life | fluff | angst | bts x female!reader | ot7

𝔰𝔲𝔪𝔪𝔞𝔯𝔶: You watched them from the sidelines ever since you were a young teenage girl. Now you’re grown up, they’ve returned after 2 long years and everything has changed. What happens when you pull back the mask and find the darkness within? What happens when you see that they’re broken?

𝔴𝔞𝔯𝔫𝔦𝔫𝔤𝔰: cliffhangers | angst | fluff | slight mentions of self hatred | depression | mental health illness | self harm | occurs in the year 2024 | set in a timeline where BTS went to the military together | slight language

tags: @kookaine | @fangirl125reader | @kookiebbyxx | @taradevonne | @rae-bear | @mangminnie | @pixiekooo | @cana

My hands flying across the keyboard, I have no room to think about anyone or anything else other than my work. I have no intention to think about anything else.

I've heard it said that there are those with a wasteland in their minds. They are constantly searching for something to give their life meaning, but everything they find isn't good enough. They are constantly trying to break the last record, find a new tune, discover another song to play in their hearts. They can never rest, they never want to rest for if they did they would lose their minds.

Pulling away from the board, I find that I'm shaking. My eyesight is wavering, I can't even think straight.

Am I the same as those lost?

Sighing, I hold my head in my hands.

What am I doing? I have no time to be worrying over things that don't matter. My gaze drifting, I notice a coffee cup on the table beside me, along with a small bag of snacks resting against it. Mildly amused, I stand to investigate, and find a note tied around the bag. Pulling on it, I blink in surprise at the neat but shaky Hangul written there.

Namjoon, I'm not too good at writing in Korean just yet so I hope that this is understandable.

This is a coffee cup, but if you need some water or an energy drink, I placed some beside your bag. This is a little bag of leftover snacks I found at the vending machine.

I'm sorry I couldn't find something better than this, but I hope it's enough for a small pick me up.

Please remember to get some rest tonight, I don't want you working too hard.

-Yen

I don't realize I'm crying until a tear runs from my cheek and lands on the small slip of paper. Surprised, I frantically dry the tear from the paper before holding it close to my chest as though it were my only comfort. The tears continue to run down my face, and I fall to the floor almost sobbing as unexplainable emotions surge through my body. Too fast and too many at once for me to be able to understand.

"Why...why are you so kind?"

Does she even realize the effect she has on my heart? The way she tears and turns it as though it were nothing? She doesn't even have to think twice about her actions. She doesn't do these things to gain something from me, in fact, she expects nothing, and yet...

She makes me want to give her the world.

.

.

.

"What are you talking about?"

Jaejin smiles at the question, almost as though he were dealing with a child who didn't want to let go of their parents on his first day of school. Scoffing almost, I fold my arms in indignation. Since when was I the child in this relationship?

"It's quite simple hyung, I'm going to be away for a couple of months. It's not that big of a deal."

"Not a big deal?!" Reaching forward, I stop him from packing. He looks up at me, a bit surprised. "Jaejin, need I remind you of your position? You can't just leave whenever you see fit. There are policies, systems set in place, responsibilities you have to uphold."

Jaejin rolls his eyes before politely removing my hand from his stuff.

"Namjoon, you didn't think I knew? I've already taken care of everything."

As he pulls away, rummaging in his desk for a pen and sticky note, I stare at him dumbfounded. He's leaving, isn't he? Just when I've come back, now one of my closest and most trusted friends is leaving me behind. Scolding myself, I try to push the feeling of being betrayed to the back of my mind.

Jaejin has a right to pursue his dreams, I shouldn't hold him back. This isn't something to be upset over, I should be happy for him, I should support his decision.

But I don't want to say goodbye.

He must've noticed my expression, for when he next speaks, I can tell his words were meant to comfort me.

"You know, you're going to love Yen."

"Yen?"

"That's the person coming in to replace me."

I stare at him, not wanting to believe his words. He's having someone come in to replace him as my manager? How can he expect someone I don't even know to replace him at my side? Just how long is he planning to stay away?

Almost sensing my discomfort, Jaejin turns to me and places his hand on my shoulder. "There's no reason to worry. Yen will do an amazing job, okay?"

"How can you be so sure?"

At my question, he gets this faraway look in his eye and beckons for me to join him as he settles down in one of the chairs set up at his desk.

"Yen is someone special, you'll probably notice that as you get to know her." I open my mouth to ask him how, but he holds his hand up, already foreseeing my immediate response. I roll my eyes at the gesture, understanding his point and shutting up.

"I'm not just saying this as her friend, she's someone who I think will help you a lot. Though she might not think she's qualified for the job, and she may doubt herself every second of the way, she will try her hardest to be the best she can be." Watching him talk about her, almost as though she were the thing he treasured the most on earth, both confuses and intrigues me. What is she, perfect? No person is, so what's the difference with her?

"Yen is the kind of person who speaks to others through their emotions. She knows when you're sad, angry, tired, she can see it all through a few gestures. With a simple look your way it's as though she can see all the hidden secrets of your soul." In his wistful eyes, I wonder about the history between the two of them. Missed chances, unspoken words, regrets, do they have any of those? The way he talks about her, I don't think they are merely just friends.

"My point is, she'll take care of you. You don't ever have to be afraid of losing yourself when she's around, because she'll always bring you back."

.

.

.

Holding the note in my hands now, the way it feels almost as though she were there right beside me, holding me as I shake from all the built-up pain and frustration, I realize that Jae is right.

She's always there, helping me, supporting me. She gave me a reason to continue, she showed me that I didn't have to take care of everyone all the time. She reassured me that I wasn't alone, that she would stay beside me no matter what happened.

.

.

.

"Your music changes with you, don't you know?"

As she sits across from me, her wide eyes piercing mine with their deep stare, I try to make some sense of her words. Yes, I understand that music changes, but what does that have to do with me and my struggles? I'm afraid I don't love making music anymore, and this is what she responds with?

She smiles almost understandingly at my perplexed expression, and I quickly hide it, unaware I was being so obvious.

"Namjoon, maybe the reason why you feel so trapped is not that you don't love music anymore, but rather because you're trying to recreate something from the past." My eyes widening at the thought, I pull away from the soundboard. Was that what I was doing? Trying to recreate a past sound when the sound inside has already changed?

"Music grows as you grow, it flourishes the same way. Maybe in order to find yourself again, you have to let go of what your music used to be." Turning to her, somehow I know she sees the pain and the fear reflected in my eyes.

What if who I am now isn't good enough? What if this person isn't worthy of his title? What if I've become what I've always been afraid of?

Nothing.

Reaching forward, she takes my hand into her small ones and smiles warmly my way. A smile meant to calm me down, a gesture meant to calm the storm that threatens to rise in my chest.

"That doesn't mean you have to forget, it doesn't mean you have to say goodbye. It just means you have to move on, and grow as you've done before. If there's one thing I know, it's that you are good enough. You are worthy of their love, you are worthy of everything you have ever accomplished."

She smiles somewhat cockily as her eyes locked with mine, almost making me forget my doubt.

"Now, you just have to prove it to them once more."

.

.

.

She taught me what I was doing this for, reminded me why I love music, why I chose this path. It was her light, her passion that showed me the way.

Raising myself off of the ground, and pocketing the note, I turn back to the computer. Back to my work. Wiping my tears, I sit down taking a deep breath before resuming.

I won't let her down.

note: HAPPY BIRTHDAY NAMJOON! I hope you have a great birthday, and continue to be the amazing leader you have been for the longest time! I'm looking forward to the day where we can see you again.

check the Infinite Stars masterlist for more chapters

check my BTS masterlist for other BTS content

check out my masterlist for other kpop fanfics

[gothamspring]

i wanna clarify that i don't mean people should be forced to apply real life political philosophy to fiction just because i agree with it lol. if you read comics for entertaining plot or interesting characters or whatever other reason and don't wanna get in this mess that's fine

...but i thought yall discuss jason and bruce's ideological differences because you like to? because you're interested in the topic. you're essentially philosophizing with your own arguments.

all im saying is that, if you wanna read more in depth arguments for and against using lethal means towards activism, anarchist philosophy has historically engaged in this question.

i pick anarchist philosophy specifically because. well im an anarchist, for starters. but also because i think it shares a lot of the core values of the bats + affiliates, like a want to protect the most vulnerable groups of society, or the fight for justice through extra-legal (and sometimes illegal) means. i think in that sense anarchism might be the closest to the fictional vigilantism in gotham city.

and to be clear anarchism doesn't have a consensus on whether assassination is a justifiable as a tactic. most people nowadays don't even contemplate it, because this isn't the 1890s anymore and modern anarchists don't go around killing people. but historically, answers differ. some said it was morally correct, some said it was morally incorrect but still needed to be used out of necessity, some said it was morally incorrect and should never be used, and some said morality didn't even matter because it was straight up not productive as a tactic. you can find all sorts of answers in anarchism, that why it is anarchism !

if the people who debate over the whole batman vs red hood ideological differences knew even the first thing about anarchist philosophy my life would be so much easier. we could be skipping so many steps.

[ducktracy]

okay, i finally dedicated time to break down this scene, so here goes nothing: 

porky, despite his polite good nature, is like a lit fuse. some directors tap into his anger more than others, but he is a much more violent and angry character than we give him credit for. looks can be deceiving! just as quick as daffy was to change his mind about sitting on the egg, porky, who was just batting his eyelashes and being all smiles with daffy, is now yanking him by the neck and demanding he sit on the egg. this is a battle of determination. daffy has the bolder personality when looking in generalities, but porky can be just as stubborn and determined when he puts his mind to it. here, he does, and their physical struggle is a mental one, too.

“cut it out, i say! you heard what i said!" here's yet another instance of daffy assuming his open-book nature is universally understood. he thinks because he said something, the other party instantly understands his wishes/understands his frame of mind, when that's not true. he told porky to stop, so why isn't he!? he heard him! it's not like he didn't say anything! hmph, he's being so unreasonable! daffy assumes everyone is on the same plane of existence as he is--he has a difficult time placing himself into the shoes of others and hypothesizing otherwise. 

porky is equally as petty as daffy is. though porky's objective is for daffy to sit on the egg, when he attempts to push daffy down, he resorts to grabbing daffy's hand and trying to place it on the egg. the palm of the hand isn't nearly enough to provide adequate heating needed to hatch the egg. it's absolutely futile. but this isn't about the egg anymore--it's about proving daffy wrong. he's going to get daffy to touch that damn egg, even if it's just the brush of a finger. they're both exhibiting equal amounts of force and resistance because they're both so set in their pre-determined, stubborn objectives.

meanwhile, daffy is grabbing onto porky's face, gripping his clothing, physically swinging the lower half of his body around to avoid making any contact with the egg at all costs. it's not a matter of being bored and having to sit still to hatch a measly egg, but a matter of maintaining his title and proving porky wrong. he's gone this far along now, and he'll be damned if he quits. GOD, i love that detail of porky's tail straightening out from the force of which he's putting on daffy. he's exerting every ounce of his strength, all the way to the tip of his tail.

once more, daffy's energy proves to be contagious. you gotta fight fire with fire. he brings out the magnitude in porky's emotions, and that's why their shorts are best paired together--porky is at his emotional zenith in them when pinned against daffy, and daffy has a force who won't enable his reckless behavior. porky provides the challenge that daffy needs--he's not like your typical elmer fudd who breaks down sobbing when he kills an animal. porky is just as determined as daffy to "win". they coincide with each other. when porky throws daffy onto the ground, he retaliates by pushing porky over the egg in hopes that it'll break. he's gonna push me? well, i'll just hafta push him back! here comes more of that contrarian petty burst of energy that daffy gets when he's challenged. doesn't like being bossed around, he doesn't like his flow to be interrupted, he snaps, and he becomes purposefully contrarian in an act of resistance. he purposefully endangers the future of the egg's lifespan (or lack thereof) just to prove himself right.

porky does the impossible and catches himself with his tongue, he's that determined to prove himself right. two bold personalities feeding off of each other. thus, daffy is forced to up the ante. he throws himself on top of porky and jumps on him, HOOHOO!ing all the way, purposefully trying to make porky fall and crush the egg. daffy is outright sadistic, but he doesn't care--this is all to prove himself right. he's just that stubborn. porky, refusing to lose, contorts himself into a piggy pretzel as he flips his leg over himself to maintain his balance, securing his footing just slightly. thus, daffy must up the ante even more: by smacking porky with a giant wooden board. 

the egg is completely disregarded now. this is purely a game of ego. cat and mouse. look at daffy's face as he runs away--he's getting an absolute kick out of this. he's proud that he elicited such a strong reaction out of porky, he thrives on that attention. it's like a child doing something they shouldn't be--they know it's bad, but that's also all part of the fun. however, porky isn't a force to be stopped. in fact, in the shorts that pin the two against each other, porky typically comes out as the winner a good 70% of the time. daffy brings out that energy in him, just as he does with everyone else, even the audience--his charisma is that contagious. porky resorts to grabbing a hold of daffy's leg, sliding across the floor to make sure daffy can't escape. so, since daffy can't escape and take physical measures, he resorts to retaliating psychologically: mocking porky's stutter. 

this scene confused me for SO long, and i only just recognized what it meant a few months ago. at first i thought it was a mistake, and then i just assumed daffy sounded eerily like porky for that sequence. but no, it's purposeful. he wants to still get that upper hand, and resorts to doing so by making fun of porky's speech in hopes that it stings. if sticks and stones can't break his bones, then maybe words can.

daffy is definitely crueler here than other instances, but to him, it's a game. it doesn't register that he's been a royal pest and sadist. he knows what he's doing is bad, because it's eliciting such a strong reaction out of porky, but a part of him also views it like one giant game. take note of the backgrounds: they're unusually sparse. though seemingly lazy and cheap at first glance (and this DID help to prevent bob clampett from going over budget... again), this also has purpose behind it: the backgrounds are reduced to mere color cards so you have no choice but to focus on the action. the animation is the top priority. 

i really like that daffy mimics other parts of porky's speech pattern. though daffy repeating himself and sprinkling extra words such as "i say!" is him speaking, "cut it out now, will ya?" is definitely something that would come straight out of porky's mouth. he even goes so far as to add a little nervous chuckle in between--this isn't daffy chuckling nervously, but him mimicking porky's speech, since that's something porky does quite often. he knows porky and he knows just how to get under his skin. further proof of how they feed off of each other: it's not just porky absorbing daffy. daffy absorbs porky's mannerisms, too.

this is something i only just noticed now, but we have more of daffy's mannerisms and contagion rubbing off on porky. despite porky's oblivion, you'd think he'd be quick to recognize that well gee, maybe taking this fight onto a dangerous conveyer belt leading to my inevitable demise isn't the most solid idea out there. yet, instead, daffy's enraged and simultaneously enabled him enough that he carelessly pursues daffy anyway. he's caught up in the adrenaline, too. porky's oblivion is opposite from daffy's, in that he isn't quick to notice the little details and thinks in broader terms, whereas daffy fixates on details and is ignorant of the grand scheme of things. with that in mind, you'd assume porky would notice where the fight was heading, but he's caught up in daffy's energy. he's starting to think like him here, too, fixating on the details. that is, pursuing daffy. he gets so caught up in everything that he manages to neglect the big picture, too. that's just how contagious of a character daffy is.

back to them working as one, their objective is to escape. however, they both have different methods of exercising the same objective. even though they've quit their fighting, selfishness prevails as daffy is focused entirely on saving his skin. he climbs ON TOP of porky as he tries his damnest to run away, causing porky to face plant right into the conveyer belt. it's not that he did it on purpose, but he's just so bullheaded in his motive to escape that he'll do it by any means necessary. his personality is more electric here, more frantic, and so are his means of escape. 

nevertheless, they both end up faceplanting on the conveyer belt, their inevitable demise sped up much faster as a result. it speeds by in a flash, but you'll notice that, even flat on the conveyer belt, daffy attempts to claw his way forward as a means to escape, whereas porky just allows his fate to happen since he doesn't have enough time to react. daffy's reaction time is much quicker.

[neesieiumz]

so this is a bit of an emergency but you dont havr to do it. Long story short, im demisuxual and my sister just completely invalidated that, she said its not real its made up like many other sexualities (she,herself, is bi and claims to support the lgbtq community) and said there isn't an asexuality spectrum so I'd love to have a kirishima, bakugo, deku + whichever characters you prefer comforting a female reader in this situation please and thank you (before this she also called me a cunt and told me I had no friends :) im so sorry if im trauma dumping btw oh god now im worried thats what im doing im so sorry im just gonna send this before i somehow have a panic attack over text

Hi! So I got this late at night as I was working on other works and I immediately stopped working on everythig to give you a small head canon! Unfotuantle my brain could only give me a decent Kiri one. It's not that long but I really hope you like it! Your sister is a major loser and I hope she realizes how wrong she is! You are valid, your sexuality and all. As a bisexual person myself, it's shameful to see her hate on those whose sexuality is different than her's, especially her own sister's! I hope you're doing okay!

Word count: 580

It was movie night, and you were holding it in your room this week. Both you and Kiri have had these movie nights on the weekend, sort of to celebrate going through the week school, from boring lectures to ruthless hero training classes.

Wearing a hoodie, some shorts, and holding a bucket of freshly popped popcorn, he happily trotted to your room. Just as he stopped in front of your door, about to knock, he stopped, hearing weird sounds.

Is that? Yeah, it’s you, crying.

Immeidntlay he opened the door, revealing you curled up in your blankets on your bed. Your eyes were red and puffy and tears were streaming down your face. He entered your room immediately closing it behind him.

“Y/n? What’s wrong?”

At first, you couldn’t speak, just took one glance at him, before rolling yourself back into your blankets, covering your face. He placed the popcorn on your bed before going straight to your bed, sitting right beside you.

“Y/n? Can you please tell me what’s wrong?”

You sniffed, pushing your head back above the blanket to look at the concerned redhead. His worried crimson eyes staring back at you.

“You know my sister right?”

Kiri immediately nodded. The two of you both went to U.A, you were in the hero course and she was in the general course. Kiri’s met her a couple of times, just a few hellos before you pulled him away.

“Well, you know how I came out to my family, you know, about my sexuality? Right?”

Kiri nodded again. He was one of the first to know about you being demisexual, smiling at how hard you hugged him when you told him. He knows how much it means to you to have your family accept you for who you are.

“My parents, they accepted me. They told me they loved me no matter what. My sister, however, was quiet. It made me uneasy, she didn’t say anything all throughout the weekend and even until we came back here.

“Then all of a sudden, she just blew up on me!”

Kiri tilted his head, “blew up on you?”

You nodded your head, “yeah, blew up on me. She said how demisexuality isn’t a real thing! I just… I couldn’t take it, the nail in the coffin was when she was calling me all these names. I had to get out of there, so I ran until I got to my room and cried my eyes how and now here we are!”

Immediately, Kiri wrapped his arms around you, holding you close to him. He rocked back and forth in his arms, placing his chin on top of your head.

“Your sister… pardon my language… but your sister is a total bitch.”

You laughed out loud, his polite tone with the curse word not even mixing. Kiri smiled at the sound of your laughter.

“You and your sexuality are valid, don’t you forget. Don’t let someone as irrelevant as your sister take that away from you? Capiche?”

You giggled, “you sounded like Bakugo when you called her irrelevant, you’ve been hanging around him too much.”

Kiri giggled, “yeah, I guess I did.” He sheepishly rubbed at the back of his head.

“Do you… do you still wanna watch the movie or are you not up to it anymore?”

You took a deep breath, rubbing the crust away from your eyes.

“Let’s watch the movie, I need a distraction anyways.”

[kemonododo]

Decided to rewatch the whole series after seeing the finale, here's my thoughts as they come along part 1

Razz tells Adora not to look for others to tell her what to do and asks her what she thinks. Adora decides she must fight the Horde. It's poetic that Adora gets so hung up on destiny and fulfilling her goal, when the final message she needed to learn was said in the third episode. Razz is the wisest of us all.

Angella repeats what she heard in the legends of She-Ra, notably that she is meant to "bring balance to Etheria". From Angella's perspective this seems like a good thing, but it's so much more sinister knowing that basically means "to turn the death star on".

Catra was pissed at Adora, but seemed willing to leave the Horde until Hordak elects her as Force Captain. This is the start of her conclusion that Adora was only holding her back, and so the decent of her madness. That little smirk kills me, because that face will shed a lot of tears from this point on.

Season 5 showed us what Adora's She-Ra looks like, without the First One's influence. It might be a bit blasphemous, but I think that reveal would have worked better if this early season She-Ra was the mini-skirt, cleavage design of the 80s. Have a bit of symbolism about societal beauty standards. Love the muscles though that part is perfect.

The first time Catra and Adora meet back up after their falling out is a little unremarkable, the wounds are still fresh and they're still angry at each other but I think both still don't understand how big this schism between them will be.

I just realized Entrapta's castle has a picture of a Tyrannosaurus rex with a unicorn horn and Pegasus wings. Is that what Mara's dragon was!? 😂

God I love Entrapta, even when I first watched this I was excited to see the purple Hatsune Miku in the intro. She always cared about people since the beginning, she just doesn't understand politics.

Castaspella and Angella were shipping Glimbow from the start lol.

The show gives us a full view of how Shadow Weaver's abuse affected Adora. Being constantly pressured to be the best and strongest at the threat of Catra's health has left Adora a jittering wreck. Call me sadistic, but I love that it wasn't resolved in this episode. Adora wins the battle against SW today, but all the way up to the series finale we see SW's dirty fingers clawing away at her conscious. It takes more than 20 minutes to escape a life of manipulation.

Princess Prom! This is when the show goes from a 7 to a 10. Not only the prom being a fun venue, but this is where Catra begins to get some agency. This is the first time she really feels like a main character, which is great because I love her more than anything. Also the first time we see Double Trouble and the Star sisters, which I guess are different from the Star Siblings in season 5? A bit of a continuity error.

Aww, Glimmer is jealous. I can relate to her fears of being pushed out, but the fact that she's pretty madly in love with him adds a whole new layer. Bow is right but he's being a bit insensitive here.

Let's just take a moment to appreciate how far we've come. Remember when this was the gayest thing in the show?

It's fun watching the princess alliance so early in their friendships, they obviously care enough to go with Adora on this mission to save Glimmer, but I love how annoyed and distracted they get with each other.

This episode is also really big for Catra, realizing she will never get Shadow Weaver's approval, that longing look at Adora, "this is not because I like you".

The Beacon is sandwiched between two great episodes that make it feel like filler, but a lot actually happens. We see more of Adora's insecurities, especially how she starts to take it out on herself when she runs into a problem out of her control. We got the formation of the super pal trio, a short lived group with an amazing dynamic. And we also have a huge moment with Angella that basically defines her entire character.

Entrapta's insecurities are revealed. She wants friends, she loves people, but they're complicated and hard and always seem to leave her. It's heartbreaking and something that comes to a head on Beast Island.

I love this scene with Catra and Shadow Weaver. It's clear she still loves her evil mom, and we see how SW has abandoned the idea of Adora for now and is now beginning to manipulate Catra. We also see another Catradora parallel, both of them tell straight to SW face that she has no power over them anymore, something we continue to see is not true.

Promise! 18 months later and it's still my favorite episode of the show. I like how it starts off with the anger they've been feeling up until now, but through the mind melting manipulation by skynet Light Hope, it's multiplied a thousand fold. Before this Catra was pissed at her friend, now Catra wants to murder the person she thinks destroyed her life. After this Catra isn't a cute tsundere, she's completely homicidal. She still loves Adora obviously, but Light Hope has corrupted that love into the most vitriol hate on the planet. It's wild to think they both love each other so much, and yet the abuse that have scarred them prevents that love from breaking free. This is the true moment where the show starts, this is where it became the best cartoon I have ever seen.

Also this is the only time since the first episode and Catra's redemption in season 5 where their chemistry is in full play. They just love each other so much, god I'm fucking tearing up again.

An important thing people forget about the Catradora dynamic is Catra's inferiority complex. She has been told since the day she was born that she is worthless, below Adora in every way. She loves and looks up to Adora, but her existing in Adora's shadow blackens that love. Which is why her joining the rebellion isn't a good ending for her. She needed time on her own, away from Adora, to carve out her own identity. It was her struggles as Force Captain that finally pushed her to start doing good, that realization that she is unhappy in that role. If she had left with Adora in episode 1, she would still be bitter and cruel and toxic, because she'd still be standing behind Adora.

Shadow Weaver's abuse goes both ways, as now Adora feels like she needs to protect Catra like a helpless kitten. That dynamic was not healthy, and it would not have lasted. Catradora can only exist now because they both accept each other as equals.

That final "you promise?", probably the most important words in the show. I've seen this episode a dozen times, but after seeing the finale the tears are running down my face again. Adora was the light of Catra's light, nothing mattered as long as Adora was there with her. She loved her so much. The Fright Zone, Shadow Weaver, her own insecurities, they all impacted Catra. But in that moment, them cuddling on their bunk, it didn't matter. Little did she know Adora loved her back just as much. Fuck I'm crying again.

Catra took that memory, tainted by Light Hope, and saw Adora as a monster. Someone who manipulated her like everyone else and abandoned her at the first opportunity. Someone who broke her most important promise, someone who broke her heart. Catra is probably the best written character in fiction, no I am not exaggerating.

It's a hard follow up after that episode, but the amazing juxtaposition of Entrapta and Light Hope telling the same story with different information is bone chilling and goosebumps giving.

Knowing the whole story of Mara, Light Hope's speeches are terrifying. Her manipulation makes Shadow Weaver look soft. Luckily we have an Alicorn to help, like all other abuse in the show it isn't over in a single dialog exchange, but Swift Wind is speaking the truths Adora needs to hear. The thing about Adora though is one of her main character flaws, she gives in to the doubt her abusers seed her. Her friends constantly tell her she has worth and deserves love, but she has it in her head that she must sacrifice herself for the greater good. That's another reason why Catradora works in the end, Catra helps bring out the selfishness she needs.

Battle of Brightmoon isn't a great finale, my time in the MLP fandom has soured me on "then all the friends came together and shot the villain with a rainbow" conclusion. Luckily, the show would knock the next three out of the park.

Catra starting the new season strong, I love the juxtaposition of the horde soldiers fearing her while the super pal trio doesn't. I love that little smirk, she thinks it's the first she wants yet we all know it's the later.

Frosta got a character change, I understand what they're doing where the other princesses are bringing her out of her shell, but it all happened off-screen so she just seems out of character. The little moment with her and Glimmer is great, and a little bit of forshadowing for Glimmer's queenly role.

Every Shadow Weaver and Catra interaction is fantastic, I love how SW gets so easily under her skin and how Catra pretends to brush it off. Those black tenticles still have a hold on the Kitty's heart.

Ties that Bind is a fantastic episode, especially seeing Catra's interactions with Bow and Glimmer. I love how this contrasts with the season 5 episode A shot in the Dark, here Catra is bullying the best friend squad with malice while the later has Glimmer and Bow playfully making fun of her with love.

Glimmer's actions here are also great forshadowing for her role as queen, especially how desperate she is to destroy the horde and how it affects her morals. Makes her decision to use the heart in season 4 very believable.

I love how Adora keeps referencing ghost stories she heard as a kid. I love the idea of her and Catra under the covers telling scary stories to each other until they'd both end up cuddling while insisting they aren't scared.

Entrapdak! Entrapta's love of science, complete lack of fear, and unending kindness can turn even a dictator cute. They have fantastic chemistry.

I love this little moment with Catra, Shadow Weaver correctly assumes that she's being pushed out and left behind by Hordak, and sure enough she finds Entrapta standing next to him in the lab she was almost killed just for stepping in. Her fears are repeating.

Ah! Goosebumps! The show is slowly moving to be more and more Sci-Fi, and that little shot of Mara's crashed ship with the fantastic music is just a hint to what's to come.

Roll With It is an absolutely adorable low stakes slice of life episode that shows how fun these characters are even when they aren't fighting a war. It's probably the funniest episode in the series, the 80s She-Ra segment is my favorite. There's also the wonderful moment of Adora's breakdown, the pressures of being the world's savior takes a toll on her.

White Out! One of my favorite episodes. The mostly self contained story, the new setting and outfits, great Super Pal Trio bonding, Scorpia being a lesbian, Sea Hawk, and the only time we see the corrupted She-Ra. It's a fantastic microcosm of the show itself, and it's really funny. The Scorpatra stuff is a bit sad knowing how it ends, but it is nice seeing how Scorpia can have a crush while still realizing the toxicity of her relationship later on.

Shadow Weaver's backstory and the biggest window into her head. She believes what she is doing is right, but her methods are full on psychotic, and she was power hungry from the start. I love her so much, she's so deliciously evil. The Eldritch horror that is the spell of obtainment is a treat, and SW's arrival at the Fright Zone is beautifully terrifying. This episode also has the best scenes with her and Catra, it's devastating to watch Catra continue to pine for SW's approval and how, after all this time, SW still only sees her as a tool.

Shadow Weaver is one of my favorite characters, literally every scene with her a amazing. "I can tell by how your voice turns shrill when you scream" what a bitch I love her. I also really like how you can tell Catra and Adora still love her, even after all this abuse. She's a monster, but she's also a mom, and both of those identities conflict in their heads.

Shadow Weaver's and Light Hope's reveal of Adora's origin is goosebumps giving. The revelation that there is a universe beyond Despondos is amazing, but I especially love Light Hope continuing to withhold information and effectively lie to Adora. Razz, Swift Wind, Angella, Catra, they all tell her to make her own decisions but this moment with Light Hope where she is told she doesn't have a choice is what Adora latches on to.

There's also the deal with Hordak, when Light Hope tells the story, she paints it as Hordak ripping the poor baby away from her family. We later learn that's wrong, Hordak saves Adora, he finds a tiny baby and even as a heartless destroyer he knows he can't leave her out there to die. He steals her away, but he does so from Light Hope, the original kidnapper. If Adora was raised by Light Hope, she probably would have fired the heart without question. The Horde was not a good environment to grow up in, but it was an important part in making her the hero the universe needed.

I love Hordak's monologue, the art style and music are fantastic and the whole thing is terrifying. To imagine the big bad horde of the show is just a tiny sliver of what is out there. It also shows Hordak's motivations, which don't excuse his actions but do explain them. This show does a fantastic job at letting us sympathize with the evil-doers, and that has only grown now that Wrong Hordak has shown what it's like to be disconnected from the hive-mind. Bonus points for explaining Imp's origin and showing how Entrapta is exactly the person that he needs right now.

Catra is being embarrassingly edgy here, but it is funny that she's talking about "lost it all" and she seems to think this is rock bottom, oh girl you are in for a ride awakening with how much farther you can fall.

Promise plays again as Adora has another break down. We finally see Mara, and as with everything to do with the First Ones it is chilling. I love this slowly unraveling storyline of Light Hope's true intentions. At this point it is clear she is not to be fully trusted, but we have yet to see how truly sinister her intentions are.

Catra, again, being one of the best characters ever written. She finds a minimum amount of happiness in the wastes, and immediately it all comes crashing down when her trauma resurfaces. That scene of the anger taking over is a masterpiece. I have said a million times that she'd never be truly happy in the wastes, and the later seasons confirm it, but it is heartbreaking to see how even the slightest hint of a smile is ripped off her face.

The Glimmer Angella arguments hurt, they're both right but it's sad to see them fight and how Angella takes Glimmer's advice while Glimmer doubles down on her faults.

Shadow Weaver back on her bullshit, manipulating teenagers to give her power. Noelle mentioned how she truly believes she's on the good side, and obviously she doesn't want the Horde to win, but you can't deny she has some selfish motivations behind recruiting Glimmer. That lust for power remains with her until the very end.

We see Adora getting to Entrapta here, people I think really didn't get their impressions of her right. Entrapta loves tech and science, and sometimes it blinds her, but she isn't immoral, she does care about the safety of her friends.

"You made me this way, and you get to be the good guy" "you couldn't wait to get away from here, from me. But you came back for Adora". You can see how SW's betrayal not only reaffirmed Catra's fears, but was probably just as much a force behind her decent into madness as Adora was.

There's also something beautiful about the symbolism of Shadow Weaver using her new victim like a battery to crush her old.

And Catra betrays Entrapta and Scorpia, this is officially the worst she gets, at this point her hatred of Adora is taking over her. We see more of it in season 4, but her desire to hurt Adora as much as Adora has hurt her causes her to crack like an egg. Scorpia's face says it all.

I love getting to see Catra and Adora in their element, completely in love with each other. None of the complexity of the world at large, just them two together. Even Shadow Weaver's approval of Catra, this is her dream world.

It's funny how Scorpia's first instinct upon seeing Catra is to hug her while her first reaction to Adora is to insult her. She has terrible judgement of character lol

Everyone's insistence that it's "perfect", watching the world shift and fall apart, the confusion, the panic, the show masterfully shows Adora's emotions in this mind-melding episode.

"Soon the two of us will be ruling Etheria together just like we always planned" "Is that what you really want, to rule the world?" "I mean, yeah, obviously. Isn't that what you want too?" God this little moment is perfect, it shows how much they're wavelengths differ. Catra focuses on the "together" while Adora focuses on the "rule the world". Like DT says later, Catra's heart was never truly in it. This thirst for power is just the world's most destructive coping mechanism.

[lazaruswitch]

@star-archivist In response to your comment, since mine was getting long lol

Firstly, I'm really glad you like it! I knew while working on it that a lot of people would not care or would even dislike this AU because it's so different from what the desired idea of Jason or what they want from him. It was always going to be pretty specifically for me only, but I'm glad someone else is enjoying it.

Also yea definitely there will be internal conflicts resulting from the Bruce-Lily off, especially with certain bats over others. They range from similar reactions to other capes of "why are you upset your dead kid is alive/why are you upset a teen assassin reformed and settled down well as an adult" to kind of like uncomfortable with Lily's Everything TM and thus not caring to involve themselves or think too hard about Bruce's weird emotional thing, to just like "literally who cares this is just some lady".

Some of them would be awkward or uncomfortable with Lily definitely (see: Tim), but it will be for Very different and more boring generic reasons than Bruce's thing. Actually have a post about that in the tag that elaborates on the more personal/social aspect.

Others will probably get a bit agitated about the push and pull, like Stephanie. She's removed from the situation personally so she has more of an outsider's view, but to her it really seems like another "nothing ever satisfies Batman" thing but in some ways worse, which tbh she's not wrong for that. I will say at least for her, especially considering her limited information or involvement, there's probably at least some projection affecting her feelings on the matter, but that projection probably isn't wrong either.

Cass I think would be most normal about Lily besides Duke. For Cass, Lily is a random woman she has no history with, who obviously has no killing intent or criminal plans, is literally just some mom who doesn't like them being around or capes butting into her business. Like sure Lily used to be an assassin but she doesn't want to be a killer anymore and hasn't for years, she's happy to live a normal and fulfilling mostly civilian life with her daughter, that's great, Cass loves to see more people genuinely living better lives.

Cass doesn't have any of Bruce's baggage or weirdness attached to Lily at all, she doesn't care to pick apart Lily's very specific reasons for not killing because she doesn't care and like obviously it's working out perfectly fine, so Lily is just a reformed civilian woman with some vague past ties to Bruce and Dick that has nothing to do with her. She also definitely won't have Tim's hangups or discomforts because she doesn't care about those things. If anything she sees the genuine joy and contentment within Lily about how she looks and lives as something reassuring.

(Sidenote: I use "reformation" a lot when talking about Lily's history from the perspective of the bats/capes, but I would add that it has nothing to do with my personal view or how Lily perceives herself and her experiences. It's just a term/view that certain bats and other capes would think was appropriate.)

Duke is aware that a thing is happening, but ultimately much like Cass, does not care about the civilian woman he's never met before and has no connection too. He's watching this all go down and doesn't know why anything has to go down at all. Honestly besides affecting the moods and interactions between bats it really has no bearing on him.

Damian is interesting to think about because he straight up knows Lily, on a personal level. They're more acquaintance-y by the time any of this would theoretically happen, and Damian would have grown quite a bit, and they'd be polite enough but distant. But even without the shared connection to Bruce, Lily would basically be his cousin given her relation to Nyssa. (Backstory I never talked about? More likely thank you think!)

Damian wouldn't necessarily be Close to Lily, especially given how much time would have passed by the time of this series of events, but Lily was pretty decent to him as a kid, which he appreciates even if at least some of it was an obligation. He has this like, vague limited sense of respect or filial piety by virtue of her being an older sort of cousin who babysat him often enough. He would get occasional correspondence from her so he was never totally out of the loop about what she was up to, but it was more a distant awareness of yea I have this one kind of relative around somewhere.

Damian would be confused and even agitated about the Bruce-Lily conflict because he wouldn't understand why Bruce was upset with Lily for her past or her beliefs (why is Lily specifically a problem?), but also no one will really explain anything to him or want him in the loop. It gets a little more personal with him since again it's technically family and there's also some like cultural sensitivities being touched on. If left to his own devices Damian probably would shoot Talia a call or something at some point for consultation if anything but Lily would ask him to stay out of the situation.

On that note I imagine Damian and Lily would kind of reunite which wouldn't help Damian's inability to feel too close to the matter. I don't think they'd be buddy buddy best friends or anything, but an accessible and reliable older cousin who'll probably help you if you asked is so valuable to have in your life.

And as for Dick, well. What a mess is all I can say lol. He's kind of at the center of everything and the one always conflicting with Bruce over the matter. There's so much I can say about his role but that's what my attempt at a fic is for. He's like the most important and involved with Lily, literally knew about her long before everyone else and kept her secret upon request, wants so bad to be able to maintain this tentative connection to his sister, and then everything goes to shit because his family was getting nosy and decided crossing boundaries was the way to go and now he's practically back to square one with Lily and deeply angry with the situation and the bats and especially Bruce for not only ruining this for him but also being a bitch to him and Lily about it. It's so bad. Pray for Dick's sanity and well-being, genuinely, he's having such a bad time and trying so hard to regain some control and he's scared Lily will give up and leave and then he will never see his sister or niece again.

All this being said, I will confess that quite frankly I don't want the bats to find out Lily exists. I think everyone would be much happier that way, and it's also literally what Lily wants. Contemplating the possibilities is interesting but for the main au I genuinely would prefer that it's just Dick (and you know, Damian, though that's only revealed later) knowing about Lily, about Dick being able to cultivate a closer relationship than he was able to originally without the threat of bat interference. So this entire post is more of a hypothetical thing I'm toying with, au of an au if you will, but I would prefer that The Lily Pot au stay centered around Dick and Lily so batdrama probably won't be given as much thought or written out for a long while if ever.

Thinking about that take that's basically "if Jason gives up on killing it should have nothing to do with batman and co, and do little to improve their relationship because Bruce doesn't understand that other reason why Jason stopped"

(Fully agree with and love this for the record)

I always figured that if I ever decide to have Lily and Bruce meet in The Lily Pot au, it will not go well and absolutely not end in reconciliation

But I realized furthermore that Lily would definitely have killed many people some time during their post resurrection youth, and then decided to stop (excluding certain extreme cases that mostly don't involve humans anyway) and been satisfied not killing for several years before the theoretical reunion with Bruce even happens

But she also wouldn't regret what she had done, not in a way Bruce could accept, because ultimately her reasons for killing and for not killing have nothing to do with Bruce or his code and is entirely about herself and her beliefs and her growth, and Bruce in turn isn't able to really understand where she's coming from

It would be a source of strife between them (presuming Lily didn't pack her bags and go off the grid the second the bats got distracted)

Bruce wouldn't be able to understand or accept Lily or her thinking and beliefs,

and Lily would not in the slightest care about compromise or sympathy or reconciliation or being in his good graces (in fact her entire aim was to live long and well without ever having anything to do with bat and co or having them know she existed)

So she's antagonistic and angry and high-key a megabitch but in like very normal humany ways that don't entail any killing or criminal activity

Like oh this lady doesn't get along with her estranged father and says really mean things to him. Genuinely no one around (as in civilian neighbors etc) cares about it, to them it's another bitter parent-child relationship and thus unremarkable

Whenever Bruce gets all bat broody about Lily, others get confused because "you're mad that she's... Not killing anymore??"

So to outsiders this situation and the animosity just doesn't make sense because it's Batman having personal familial beef with a random lady who is as good as a civilian to them

And to Bruce it's like "you wouldn't get it it's more complicated than that it's personal with lots of layers and nuance stay out of it" but to everyone else they're just confused why it's a bad thing a teenage assassin reformed and settled down peacefully and hasn't killed in years. Like who cares the specific how's and why's so long as nothing insidious is going on

Lily quite frankly is mostly deeply normal compared to the bats or other capes, it's like she's just a mom in a small city who very very occasionally will help with certain missions if absolutely necessary and more often than not it's only of the intel kind

[jiwonsssi]

— differences, pt. 1

Plot: You are a dancer of his team and, as The Fanfiction's Rule prescribe, you find yourself falling in love with Jiwon. You found yourself falling for every little difference he has. You are heplessly gone. Or not?

Characters: Eun Jiwon/'You'

Warnings: swearing.

A/N: Take a note, this is important part of a story: the 'you' person is under 25-26. Someone older wouldn't probably fit entirely, but since you all are here for nsfw part, there it wouldn't matter ahah

- It's not okay to be that late, right? - you hear someone sitting down right next to you, sighing harshly. Oh how you understand that sigh, - It's already been an hour. I fed up with waiting.

- Are you going to be the one who would say that to him? - you laugh, leaning backwards and the guy near you humps something under his nose, shaking his head, - Thought so.

But the thing is, he is absolutely right. You so fed up with waiting. Eun Jiwon is hella late for dance practice and if this would be his first time doing so, it would be doubtly okay. But the fourth one is getting out of hand. Yet what can you do? Complain to his manager? Complain to Jiwon himself? Being late yourselves? Throw rocks at him, in the end? Nothing's gonna work. Because if he's late, he wanted to be late. You see it in his eyes everytime he apologizes.

Eun Jiwon is not sorry at all.

Somehow you even respect him for his honesty. Man needs to have a tremendous amount of bravery, nerves and talent to be that shameless. Must be tiring, after all.

- And, what are you doing on Friday evening? Perhaps you and Sungha might visit my birthday party. No presents, just bring alcohol and something to eat. So what?

You barely know him. For real. It must one of the first times you two even have a somewhat decent conversation? He's new to the team and in general not really a bad guy (who knows though), but there is something you just don't like about him. And his offer. If he's about to invite every one that he sees, it will be a dirty mess. It's not like you are "homegirl" kind of a person, but being stuckes in a small flat with tons of drunk people in the middle of nowhere is not quite your cup of tea.

- We'll come, - your thoughts on how to say "no" in the most polite way possible were interrupted by your boyfriend, who now stands at the other side of you, leaning to the huge mirror and nodding happily.

- Then party it is, - you answer, making it obvious for Sungha that your 'happy' smile isn't happy at all and murmur 'who likes to rest after the long week anyway' under your breath.

- What did you say?

There is no time to answer the question, because your eyes met a long awaited 'main star' who tries to pretend that everything is okay and he wasn't late for an hour, bowing slightly as part of saying hello. Indeed, shameless.

- What? Let's get to work, the sooner we start, the sooner we end, - throwing rocks at him doesn't seem like a bad idea anymore; and judging by people around' expressions, not only for you.

Actually you don't mind waiting. It's not like you need to endure cold weather, rain, snow, thirst or hunger; you just.. relax. You have everything around, you can eat and drink and chat with someone; just do whatever you want. You just love complaining, probably. And you badly afraid to miss your bus, among everything. It's all fun until you will have to go to your home in the middle of the night by your own feet.

The practice goes smoothly, as it should be. The pros of working with someone who has experience and desire to actually make a performance better are undeniable. Somehow you, dancers, yourselves, cause more problems than Eun Jiwon ever did since you started to train together. Might be because he moves as he likes to; he knows every move and you see it clearly, everybody does. Yet he brought something new in the way he works it; only for himself, in his own style. Nobody does it like him and you understood it perfectly through almost two weeks of practicing together.

Apart from being surprisingly (for you) gifted in dancing, he was the same surprisingly humble sunbae. It's not like you worked with a lot, but the amount of men who caught a star with their short lasting fame you have met amazes you every time.

So overall Eun Jiwon was someone who you never imagined to be a person that he is. Quite unusual, actually.

And the most unusual part in all this is that you were particularly staring at him for, well, more than two hours and he was absolutely aware of this fact. It's not like you were ashamed or felt an urge to blush whenever you have been catching an eye contact, it's just.. weird. Everyone will find it weird; even though you didn't really mean anything. He just happened to stay in your focus while you were occupied with thoughts and work. It's not like you need this practice anyway. As many of you, actually.

The only thing you care about now is that you are terribly missing the last bus. Maybe fifteen minutes ago you had a chance, but now when it's clear that you are going to use your feet while going home in the blistering cold after almost three hours of non-stop dancing and knowing that tomorrow you will need to wake up early, your mood is absolutely destroyed. And so when the practice is announced to be over, you try your best to put on the most pure and happy smile without making your shitty mood visible.

- Would you be able to walk me home? I missed my bus and the subway is closed at my station, please, - you can't persuade your boyfriend to do everything, it's obvious. But you know that he lives near by and doesn't really need to do anything tomorrow, so.. why not try? In the sweetest voice you could ever maintain, of course.

He is nice. He really is. You date him for a reason, in the end. He's just.. the feeling is never perfect when it comes to him.

- Uhm, I.. - Sungha touches his neck, avoiding eye contact and you sigh, letting go of his arm softly, - I'm really sorry.

- It's alright, I understand. I also have a lot to do in the morning, ugh, - he hugs you, placing soft kiss on your temple and then look you deadass in the eyes while telling the most stupid bullshit he could have ever said without any sign of shame.

- Nah, I don't actually, I just promised to go with guys to celebrate some shit and it's already late. I promised, I'm sorry, love, - he smiles and you know that he means no bad. He just.. doesn't understand. It's not his or his friends or your fault; he's just like that, no one can change that except him. And you are not here to teach him manners. Especially when you want to break at least his nose.

- Ok, have fun, - you pat on his shoulder, avoiding his lips with a frown and just turn around to leave.

The same shit was popping up for the the last few weeks and those reasons why you fell in love with him; you don't really remember any of them anymore.

You didn't turn around when he called you, just straight up to the door, trying to surpass the crushing sensation in your throat. No way you will cry because of someone who doesn't care; too many honors. It's just a very bad day. Everything at once and all this.. maybe calling an expensive as hell taxi is a great idea, after all. No money can buy you new nerves.

Shoving your belongings to the tote bag, you desperately try to calm yourself down, because God knows, it's the lowest you have ever been in months. Those days when a fall of a pen can cause a mental breakdown; you hate it. Probably everyone does. It just happened to be today. Not a big deal.

There is nothing more than a comfortable ride home and sleep you are dreaming about. Not even impenetrable ignorance of Sungha bothers you. You'll deal with it tomorrow. Now - a car and a bed.

Yet life is not that simple and we are not in a fanfiction. A taxi? In the middle of the night? Huh. Nonsense. The thing is, no one wants to take an order for such a short and therefore not so profitable ride. Nice. And here you are, standing in the middle of the street in a fucking bone breaking cold waiting for at least someone to accept your order. Thanks God you are at least under a roof of YG Ent entrance. Lights and security. If not cold, you would just sleep here. You will need to come tomorrow anyway.

- Hey, why are you still here? - you hear voice of a person with whom you doubtly want to talk. Eun Jiwon. If not his lateness, you might have been in your bed already. But here he is, standing not far away from you, looking around in the weirdest way possible, - Why aren't you going home? It's late.

- I missed my bus. Subway station where I live is closed. Taxi doesn't want me. Enough? - you didn't mean to sound rude. But you are physically can't make up needed politeness right know; not now, please.

- Yeah, - he's nodding, turning around to leave and, to be extremely honest, now it's pretty much impossible to suppress tears. His back when he has moved in the direction of parking is too much. But what can he do? He's, again, not guilty in not meeting your expectations. Thanks for asking, at least.

And you will not cry now. In your bed, alone - maybe; most probably. But here - no way.

You look at the screen of smartphone again to find absolute nothing. By feet then.

- It's not that far anyways, - you sigh, adjusting your bag on a shoulder when you see a car stopping in a distance and.. it's creepy. You are not a panicking type, but now situation smells like shit and if someone would try to pack you in their trunk, most probably, they would succeed. Even with YG's security. Even with cameras. And lightning everywhere. Not a panicking type, yeah.

But while you were occupied with thoughts on how you should attack them, you missed Eun Jiwon standing in front of the car. You notice him when he starts to speak and it's the third time you want to cry today; just the emotions right now are completely different.

- You are stuck here because of me. And I feel bad for sleeping too much, - Jiwon smiles, pursuing his lips a little and somehow you can't be angry with him. He's honest, it's written on his face, - So I want to ask you if it's okay if I drive you home? As an apology.

And now you see some parallels you never wanted to see. Because your beloved boyfriend is somewhere out there chilling with 'guys' and someone, who's not even slightly responsible for you, is here.

He knows what he did wrong; and Jiwon doesn't slip an empty 'sorry' into nowhere. He apologizes while thinking about what he actually did wrong and how to change that. Such a rare trait to witness.

- I don't think that it's..

- If I didn't want to do it, I wouldn't ask, - even in his smile, you see that he's serious about it. It's hard to say 'no' right now. For many reasons.

- Okay then, - it's not like you want to decline a Mercedes ride either, let's be honest. He nods, opening the door for you and muttering small 'thank you', you hop inside, holding your breath for no apparent reason.

It's not like it was your first time sitting in this type of car costs like your approximately two year's allowance, it's just a bit...weird. Yet so extremely comfortable.

Jiwon is quick to seat beside you, driving away quickly. He puts on the heater immediately and you feel your face melting. You might as well fall in love with this car.

- Drop me your address, - you are still pressing your bag to your chest trying to relax when you hear him and you proceed what he means for a moment. What a fucked up day, you feel like a fool all of a sudden and it's not even weird at this point.

- I don't have your number, - now he's feeling himself like a fool and you laugh, glancing at his expression. He manages to look mature and hilarious at the same time. Mocking his fakely irritated 'write it then', you sign his contact as 'Eun Jiwon' and it feels.. interesting.

You send him a location of your home and then watch as he puts it into GPS, clearly not having an idea where is it.

- Does it happen often? - just the moment you manage to relax, Jiwon pushes you out of your wondering of how good it smells without cheap leather odor and disgusting sweet car condition aroma. You think for a minute then nod slowly, because it actually does.

- Not so often, but still, - you steal a glance at him again. It's not like you can stare at anyone with your boyfriend still being your boyfriend, but today is a mess. And Jiwon is certainly a nice sight to look at, - I can go on my own, but I'm tired today. Plus it's hard to grab a taxi from there, plus, - you emphasize it, watching how sights outside the window are a lot more familiar now, - Hella expensive. I don't even know why. They think I shit with money if I am taking a cab from YG? Fucking nonsense.

Jiwon laughs through all your ted talk and it's so contagious, suddenly. You lean on a seat, laughing as well, feeling your cheeks ache a little. Funny how it's light around all of a sudden. Perhaps it's because you feel yourself so distant from all that stress that got into you today? Because Jiwon was able to come and just sort it out without asking. Well, he can't fix Sungha, but the more you think about it, the more you realise that there is nothing to be fixed. Nothing you are able to fix, probably.

So, apparently, Jiwon helped you even there.

- It's not that funny, actually, - you look at him again and you meet his eyes suddenly. You don't even want to say 'watch the road', because for no reasons you are able to trust him with your life and overall you value the fact that he is looking at you more than the fact that you can die. He was holding a gaze for a second and you already imagined imaginations. Sungha, boyfriend, still alive. Stop.

- You were hilarious though, like, - he's silent for a second while he looks for a place to park, - Like Lucy. She also gets furious randomly and sounds exactly like you did.

- You just compared me to your girlfriend? She wouldn't like that, - you laugh because it's really funny. Yet no one was ever sure if he's single or not. You never expected finding out in this circumstances.

- What? No, - he laughs louder, hiding his teeth with his palm and looks at you for a few seconds with those shiny eyes, giggling like a teenager and you can't see a forty years old man in him anymore, - She's my dog.

Did he just boldly compared you to his dog?

Forty years old man, yeah.

You inhale deeply, trying to surpass a laugh and poke a finger at him, silently making your point. Jiwon makes the cutest 'what are you going to do to me, huh?' face, pursing his lips like a five year old boy and.. And you really try your best to keep 'I'll end you' look on your face (Spoiler: you failed). Anyhow, you want to forgive him for this comparison simply because he wasn't sulky about you being totally impolite with him. No fragile masculinity detected.

- This changes everything! - you turn around, opening the door because he literally had just parked and you leave, making sure he understands that you are kidding with this fake offense little perfomance and that he's smiling, when you turned around to wave him before entering the building.

The thing is, when you come home, you are not tired anymore. By any means; if not your mother sleeping peacefully you would probably be loud and hyperactive. And since you need to cosplay a ninja right now, you just lay on your bed, watching the ceiling silently. Perfect ending for a fucked up day.

You hear your phone buzzing and what you didn't expect to see is a message from Jiwon. The day couldn't be any more perfect, but it managed.

You open a short video of little and immensely cute white dog tiny barking at watches that lay on a sofa, buzzing. You even replay it, to seek for the point when he sends another text.

'she got angry with them because they were making sounds'

- Guess it shouldn't have any meaning, right? - you tap a replay with short but excited: 'she's cute!!' and feel your throat clenching suddenly at his instant reply.

'that's why I told that you are just like her'

You are not going to say that you feel like a teenager from some manga slowly falling in love with the main character but that's exactly how you feel.

After adjusting your breathing to normal again, you choose to ignore that (to not to show how fucking excited his subtle complement made you) and text him how thankful you are for his ride and wish him and his furiously cute Lucy a good night. And after some other preparations, you, again, choosing to ignore your actual boyfriend who's trying to call and text you for a good hour already.

You will need to work with him for a month. It's not going to end well.

[benwade95]

i changed all the real names for fake names. this is what happened in second half 2012/ first half of 2013.

http://perfectbenz0.tumblr.com/post/58778147108/perfect-song

lexi was the most incredible girl i've ever met. she was almost my first love, she wasn't my first indeed because she didn't let me love her. we could've been something, but we weren't because suddenly, without explanation, se disappears of my life. but I'll tell you something curious, i wasn't; sad or brokenhearted...everyone who knew lexi would expect this from her.

she was so unique, she had the spirit of freedom. She had a light golden hair that matched with her hazel eyes, that were pure glow. She was so...her own. she used to tell she wanted to travel the world, and i don't doubt she is doing that nowadays. however she knew how to appreciate the little things of life, and I am so grateful she showed me that.

she liked to go to concerts of bands that no one has ever heard about, neither she. i guess the idea of sitting at a table in a corner of the bar alone was something appealing to her. and sometimes, early morning, she used to like to walk around the city, in silence, alone. at the time that no store was open and there were few people in the street. no music, just the sound of the great big portland. but she just liked to do that sometimes.

How I was saying, she knew how to appreciate the little things of life. When it is snowing, she just stop for a moment to appreciate every snowflake dropping from the sky and falling in her black coat from the north face, or falling right over her tiny reddish nose. When it was raining she became that one person who would jump in the puddles and get all her clothes wet, but she didn't care . lexi was too cool to care. I can't tell you what she used to do when the sun was shinning bright or when the flowers were growing, because, how I said, I didn't had much time with her.

Lexi was too cool for me, for everyone. the bad thing is that no one really noticed that. She appeared at school when I was at the middle of my junior year for the second time (yup i had to do my junior year two times because i used to suck in biology and other subjects). It was January and we had just came back from the winter break. We were at lab class and my partner was expelled so I was alone, lucky I was that she just entered at school and was going to be my partner. At first I didn't care, she wasn't hot or popular. She was cute, just cute. And I was hooking with jolie prinstson, a third year girl cheerleader.

jolie was half french, her grandparents were from France, so that's why the name.

So everything starts there, me and Lexi, biology lab partners.

We agreed to meet at cafe t',  a  café near our school that was more expensive than starbucks. She arrived there first, and when I saw her I knew there was something about her that was different of the other girls. She wasn't trying too hard, she wasn't even trying. She wasn't super flirty, or trying to be someone else to impress a guy or beeing slutty and stuff. She was just beeing Lexi.

When I arrived at that café, there she was. Sitted in a table on the corner of the restaurant reading a book. Harry Potter, what a clichê. With her messy bun, green-army jacket and round classes, she smiled at me and then she drinked her black coffe.

We obviously didn't make our work, we talked. talked and talked for hours and hours. That moment it was the one I knew I feel. She was so ambitous and talked passionately about travelling. She told me her mom's job requires her to move frequently. She has lived all around the world. she has a love-hate relationship with moving countries all the time.

first complaint; her mom always had new boyfriends and she hates that. she keeps in touch with her dad, that is from florida, her mom completely hated her dad, so their parents wouldn't; even talk. they met at college and her dad was an artist, and they really never dated but had lexi accidentally. after a few years trying to live together they had these huge fight and they now hate each other. 

second complaint; she has an awful relationship with her mom, that kinda doesn't give a shit to her. she wanted to live with her dad but he isn't financially able to live with her, and also her mom doesn't let her. 

She told when she lived at Australia, Perth more specifically. It was the first placed she moved in, she was five and didn't remember much. Than, at ten years old, there she went to South Africa, Cape town. And the city is pretty normal actually, people shouldn't get stuck into stereotypes, it's bullshit. Yeah, she met an elephant and a lion, that was named simba by the way, like the disney movie. And than between her mid thirteen and fifthteen she lived through europe. Manchester, Oslo, Barcelona, a city in France that I forgot the name, Amsterdam. Near her sixteenth birthday they moved back to USA. Than she lived one year in Boston, six months in New York City and than, there she was, here in Portland.

This whole thing of moving cities sounds exciting, but not for me. For her. And her australian-south african-little bit american accent she had , although she is American. She was born and raised until 5 years old in Tampa, Florida. Right now she is somewhere in the world, she constantly changes her number and she doesn't have facebook or twitter. I should try to find her on Instagram, but she probably uses a different name as her username.

I wasn't really into politics and this kind of stuff, even thought I am part of the LGBT community, I didn't really cared at all. She showed me that I had to care, that I had to fight for my right just like she fought for hers. She was so independent and used to talk about feminism in a really passioned way. I was always a really chill guy about stuff like equal rights, but the thing, quoting her: "it isn't effective if you are chill about it, you must do something." And she was right, she did something. She would go to that women's march and she really fought for equal rights, for every gender. She made me a better person.

So, after two months of talking about travelling and politics and don't doing the biology project, we finally agreed to come to my house and do the biology project. And we didn't do it, again. But this time was different, she was worried. She was kind of sad, and i asked what was the matter and she told she wasn't feeling well. I dropped her home and that was it. The next day she appeard at school, kinda depressed. And then, the other day she didn't appeard at school, and the following day too and the other one. She wouldn't answer my calls or texts, I tried to talked to a friend of hers but she didn't know about lexi. I was freaking worried, so I went to her house. One of her mom's opened the door and went talked to her.

"Sweetie, there is a friend of yours that came to visit"

"I don't want any visits"

So there was I, entering at her room. She was at her bed, with her purple pajamas. Adorable. Looking at her eyes I could't see that Lexi anymore, the strong independent empowering ambitious women. She was depressed.

"I was worried about you, what's going on?"

"Nothing."

"There is something going on."

"I know, but it it bullshit."

"Lexi, we all go through hard times and it gets better when we have friends to help us."

"I know"

"You probably heard something about me in this school. About me being gay or stuff."

"Actually I heard something about you hooking up with some other boy and something like that."

"Let me explain you this-"

"You don't need to explain me nothing. It's high school, people talk shit all the time."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. But I want you to know."

"Go ahead."

"So, it was last year's summer that this happened. I was kinda questioning myself about my sexuality but i kept it a secret. I was really insecure, still am. I had friends, but not actual friends. Like the real ones who would be there for you in any circunstantes. That made the situation worst. I was really into boys, like seriously into. A sixteen years old guy is like, super horny and have you seen zac efron shirtless in high school musical?" She laughed. "But girls were still hot as well. The thing is...hmm..Do you know Dylan, school team quarterback, a senior?"

"Yeah, he is hot, but looks like an asshole."

"He is. So Dylan's grandparents have a house in Eugene and Dylan's had some friends at the University of Oregon Campus. So we went to a party and hooked up with a guy in front of everyone. I was a bit drunk, and it was a pretty bad way to almost having sex; a random guy called Isaac. Anyways, back to school and everybody was talking about me hooking up with a guy. And my friends weren't the same, they were like no homo all time and calling me gay all time. I still don't get the calling me gay thing, I think they were trying to insult me. I told them Iam  bi, but they still didn't listen to me. The only guy at the football team that was listening to me was Tyler. That's how we became friends. People still don't listen to me , and everytime I try to hookup with a girl from school they always ask me If I was gay, and there I go, explaining my sexuality to everyone. That's how fucked up the world is."

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For having shitty friends."

We were in silence for about five minutes and than I left. It was April and I still didn't understand why did Lexi was kinda of weird for the past months. Now she was okay again, the same happy, euforic Lexi. And we finally had to do our Biology work, so we met at her house, on friday.

I was still having this thing with Jolie, the cheerleader. It was my dumb way to prove to my fake third year friends I was somehow straight, I hadn't hooked up with boys since the incident. Maybe I had with one at winter break, but no one knows. So shhh.

He was lovely, with light brownish hair and some curls. We spent our Christmas at a ski station, Timberline. Fun Fact, they filmed a horror movie called The Shinning there. So I met this guy when my snowboard got stuck and I could't move, so he helped me. We became friends, he kissed me first, and we were a thing through 2 weeks. He was from Canada, he knew French and it was kinda sexy when he talked in french. okay, maybe i just realized i have a thing for people who have any relation with france. We were the same age but I was taller. I should have almost-lose my virginity to him, not the Frat guy that i don't even know the last name.

Anyways, my thing with jolie was still up, but nothing serious, for both sides. We were friends and she was a really cool girl, sometimes she would make a stupid observation, but she was still nice. She used to hook up with Ryan blunt , the captain of the Lacrosse team at School. Yeah, apparently Lacrosse is a thing.  She was asked me If i wanted a threesome with her and Ryan, and I said no. I don't wanted and he didn't too. This was one of the stupid things jolie would say.

Back to Lexi, friday at her house. Her mom wasn't there. A boy and a girl all alone at her room. This time we actually finished the project, thanks god. So we started a conversation that leaded to some kisses. We made out for twenty minutes straight and we stopped.

"You wanna order some pizza?" She asked. She was the most random person ever. I loved it.

"Sure."  

And we ordered our pizza, and we talked for a while. But the we were running out of talking.

"So, this guys from the frat house you hooked up with."

"What?"

"Was he your real first or your first time with a boy?"

"We hadn't  had sex, I just blew him. I had never had real sex."

"I had a boyfriend when I lived in Oslo, Norwegian boys are my type."

"So apparently I'm not your type."

"Your not, but I like you."

"Thanks, I guess."

"We almost had sex, me and this boy. But he backed off. So I had this other boyfriend in Boston, Aroon."

"Sorry to interupt, but how many boyfriends have you had?"

"Two, you silly. It's hard to have a boyfriend If you keep moving cities all the time."

"Fair."

"So, I had my first time with Aaron. He was a sweet boy and than he broke up with me because he said I was crazy."

"Oh."

"So you had never had sex with a girl huh?"  She asked.

And you know the rest of the story. Lexi had atitude. 

It was Monday again and the school had announced Saddie Hawkins prom, the one girls asks guys out. Jolie came to talk to me and asked me, so I said yes.  I was really surprised because I thought she was going to ask Ryan. She also asked me If I wanted to go somewhere after school with her, she was kind of upset because her grandpa had just died.

That same day Lexi came really excited and asked me If i wanted to go to prom with her. And I wanted to, but I said no. I promised Jolie I would go with her, so I explained that to Lexi. She said okay and gave me a little smile and left, I could see in her eyes she was upset. 

The next day I went to cafe t' with Jolie. When I arrived there Lexi was there at the same table in the corner that I almost fell for her. She was alone, but this time not waiting for anyone, she was with the same jacket and drank a little bit of her black coffe. No sugar or anything else, coffe was coffe and it should be appreciated without any exterior things, as she said. She saw me with Jolie and Left the café.

It was prom night, I picked up Jolie at her house and she was wearing a blue dress that would look better on Lexi. It was a fun night until we left and than she got really drunk and wanted to have sex with me. Of course I didn't, it would be rape. The next monday she thanked me for not raping her (?) , and also for taking care of her. She slept at my house, she couldn't arrive that drunk in her house.

The day I refused Lexi's invitation to prom until two weeks after prom Lexi didn't talked to me. I missed her, and everytime I tried to ask her out she would say she couldn't. I knew she was lying.

She made me feel kinda bad, for real. She is probably thinking I just wanted to bang her and leave, and it wasn't that. I wanted to be with her, but she wouldn't let me.

June arrived.  It was thursday and I was studying because the final tests starts on monday. It's eleven at night and something was hitting my window, I looked down to see what it was. And here we go again, it was her with a tight little black dress and some black converse.

I went downstairs quietly to meet her.

"What the fuck Lexi?"

"I think we should have some fun, it has been a long time we don't hang out."

"It's almost mid night."

"I know, and I thing you should change. Like, this pajamas are not really cool."

She was crazy, seriously, but I wouldn't breakup with her like the Aaron guy. So I changed my clothes and there we were going somewhere I had no Idea. She was driving.

After 20 minutes we arrived somewhere. At first I was bit scared, it was dark, but she was confident, just like she went there everyday. And I was right, she knew everyone at this strange tiny bar.

"'Night Mark." She said to the manager and

" What up Steve?" To the waiter

Remember when I said she used to go to local bands concerts that no one knew, this one of those. It was a classic rock band and they made some cool Guns n' roses covers.

She was fancy, I can say. She didn't drink beer or vodka, not even tequila or something. She was a champagne girl. For some reason she had quite a lot of money with her, she bought two small bottles of champagne, one for me and one for herself. I felt bad for not paying it, I know this is a sexist idea i have to get off of my mind. But I should have payed mine at least.

We went to a park near her house and got pretty drunk. I can't remember if we hooked up or not, I think we didn't. Anyways, when we sobered up a little bit she drove me house and we chatted a little bit in her car.

"Hmm...Ben." She said before I was leaving the car.

"What?"

"I want you to know something."

"What? Is everything okay?"

"Yeah. I just want you to know that was really nice meeting you. you are an incredible person, and one day you will find a boy or a girl that will love you unconditionally, the way you deserve."

"what if i have already found that someone." i was referring to her, and she knew it.

"ben, you don't know me. "

"i don't?" i was starting to get mad at her

"nope. you just know what i letted you know, there is so much more."

"and i want to know the rest of it "

"ben, my love" she putted her arm over my shoulder. "before you think of dating me you need to know that i'm a huge mess. i have struggled with things for the past few years of my life. and there are nights i'm curled up on a ball on the floor and i won't talk to anyone. i'll shut you out, just like i did before. i'm not gonna be able to trust because everyone i knew during my life has always left or chosen someone else. i will need reassurance. i will need you. i will need you to keep choosing me. i'll need you to care when i text you saying i'm getting bad again." she takes a deep breath "i'm a lot. i know this. maybe that's why my past boyfriend broke up with me. so before you think i will be alway happy, and sometimes i will, that i will always be smiling- know the reality before you get involved. don't fall in love if you can't handled it." 

and i knew i couldn't handle her, so i kept silence. 

She gives me a soft kiss on my lips. "Goodbye Benjamin."  

And she left.

Forever.

one of our random hangouts, 2012, we shared the drink. we asked these random french guy to take a picture of us.