#this isn't about any mutuals or friends who'll read this because a) i can only mod for 1 game that most of my mutuals don't play

[katsigian]

[innitmarvellous]

Yeah, I know, I said the last ace rant was the final part, but the third aspec book I read ('Sounds Fake But Okay') annoyed me again, lol. It wasn't all bad, but some bits...

Except that it doesn't? It never has? People say they love their friends or their family, or a character from a TV show? Or also idk, God or Jesus if they're religious. None of these imply romantic love even without specifying anything.

Well, good for her, but that's not much of a comfort, isn't it? So we'll inevitably die alone, but we don't need to fear that because we can still have friends - who'll desert us once they find a partner. Yes, well, that's certainly very nice :/

Lol, maybe that's why my existence is so "unrecognisable" then. Because I literally didn't have any friends before I started to use social media etc. And even know my biggest fear is too annoying, too boring, too whatever else for everyone - and I have a hard time to make out whether the people I consider friends consider me as such too 😭

Well, this part was at least relatable, even if I never thought about this before. Then again, it might have been the other way round for me. Being a girl/woman was literally never very important for me, and I never felt the need to adhere to gender norms just because it's expected. E.g. I never thought I needed/wanted to be pretty to be attractive for men. So it sort of did felt like things made sense when I realised that there is indeed no need for me to attact anyone with my physical looks.

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The chapter about QPRs made me realise that this isn't an option for me either. The insecurities around this form of relationship would be simply too much for me. Like, having to agree on what the relationship looks like, what kind of things would be alright or not alright (re physical contact and all kinds of intimacy etc), how long it might last and all that...it would be near impossible to agree on anything like that once I would put in my wishes in that regard. Because it wouldn't feel right to push my demands on someone else, and yet I'm way too selfish because I also wouldn't want to live in a way another person wants me too. So...I think that's another dream I might as well bury right now, before I got into it too much. ^^

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Yet another general thing: the books usually mentioned that we should think about what we would expect from a relationship and I did give this some thought. I think the main - and honestly almost only - prerequisite for me would be that any potential partner would accept me as I am. Well, and some mutual trust would be high up on the list, too. That's literally all I need, I think. I wouldn't mind if e.g. in case it's an allo person and they would have someone else to fulfill their sexual needs or whatever, as long as I could be sure of still having a relationship based on trust with them.

Yes, I know that this is already asking for way too much. I'm only too aware of that, so maybe it's understandable why I'm so frustrated. I know I should do it, but I'm too selfish to lower my standards, so there isn't much hope for me and I hate it :/