#this is. a joke. please. do not take this at face value as a moral stance or an xyz is Wrong or an earnest analysis.

[sparring-spirals]

help i was raising a fun little terrarium of isopods in a little corner of my room and then my shit sibling came in and fucked everything up and now my isoposds have unionized and are building a isopod technology nuclear bomb (malleus key) to come kill us :(

[mikoyamisheadcanonblog]

Hello there fellow, Hope you doing well:) ,I was hoping i could request all the admirals x reader headcanons please? Just any headcanon in generally:)

Thanks so much ❤❤💕💕 ,Love ya!!!

Hello fellow friend, I am doing fine, I hope you don’t mind that I broke this into two parts. I had a hard time figuring out if you wanted former admirals or current and went on a first date.

Ex admirals

☀️Borsalino (Kizaru)☀️

☀️He asked Reader out just out blue, it happened during lunchtime. He was watching Reader eat their lunch and share a conversation about their day when he blurts it out, of course reader is a bit surprised but agrees to the date

☀️He is more than likely on time for the date and dressed up without his admiral jacket but still wearing a pinstripe suit and some sort of hat. He did try for this date, and he does hope for Reader to have a pleasant time.

☀️He really didn’t put much thought into the date as he took them to watch Rakugo (Traditional Japanese Comedy) show. Something he finds pure enjoyment in watching is the simplicity of it and enjoys the strange humor from it. He will chuckle amused arms crossed at the jokes and glance at Reader from the corner of his eyes to see if they also enjoyed the strange humor.

☀️After he will take Reader out to eat at an expensive restaurant where the food will be to the Reader's liking and wine mixing well with whatever the Reader chooses. The conversation is simple about work and such before he casually admits how much he likes Reader and explains why for the date.

☀️After the date ends him and Reader will go walking till they reach Reader's house where he will once again casually ask Reader for another date and propose the idea of them in a relationship.

☄️Issho (Fujitora)☄️

☄️Reader will have to ask him out on date, as Fujitora is often very much will not make the first move, worried about abusing his power or making Reader feel guilty. He will say yes as he finds the idea of dating Reader amusing before asking for details on the date.

☄️He isn’t a man that requires a lot, of planning for a date as he would enjoy the simple things in life. A walk around the park, or a simple dinner at a restaurant that was always recommended but never had a chance to visit. Or even going to the casino to gamble a few bucks away.

☄️He will trust Reader with whatever choice they made for the date. He would still wear his kimono as it would go well with everything plus, he doesn’t have a large option of clothing but it would be made of the best material.

☄️He likes the Reader a lot due to them having the same morals and wanting to protect innocent citizens. He has noticed Reader’s kind heart talking about how they strayed from a mission from time to time to help a child find a lost pet or helping a couple rekindle their love, or even protect the weak from some bullies. He finds all those aspects of them charming and remarks on them wishing everyone in the marines had the same value.

☄️The date would end with him taking Reader back home as they continue their conversation about improving the Marines. He will give a gentle pat on the Reader's head ending the date before he would ask Reader for another date this time he will plan everything for the Reader and surprise them.

🌳Aramaki (Ryokgyu)🌳

🌳It happens during Training when he first asks Reader out, it is more almost a demand as he is watching Reader finish their training and dabbing their face with a towel. He isn’t sure why but just watching Reader he wanted to ask them out, of course he comes out charismatic and charming it is hard to say no.

🌳He is very much attracted to Reader and will often make remarks to the Reader while they are working out training. Hence why it isn’t a surprise when he does ask Reader out. He often pushes Reader hard or have them stay longer to improve on their skill in battle just because he wouldn’t want Reader to be hurt or damaged during battle. He would have little time to save them.

🌳The date itself is a bit more extravagant than all the other admirals as he shows off what power and money can do. It is fancy restaurants, or the best casinos that he thinks Reader will enjoy as he himself enjoys, if Reader isn’t to impressed a nice little nature walk is the next best thing he will thinking about.

🌳He will talk to the reader about how he enjoys battle, or his last battle. He talks about his political view about power. And how as Marines they have a job to ahold justice. He very much will take justice into his own hands on his own date if he sees something that displeases them but also impresses Reader.

🌳After the date ends, he will walk Reader home before leaning in leaving a kiss on their lips. He would feel satisfied with the date and would ask Reader out for another date, he is very intimidating but yet he is still full of charisma and charm it is hard to say no so Reader will agree while he kisses Reader again thus ending the night.

[a-loose-collection-of-ants]

Ok. Shit.

I get the feeling I'm not gonna sleep tonight, and who knows, I might regret this tomorrow but I need to get some thoughts out.

I've tried to retain this idea that most people are inherently good. Some of this is the remnants of whatever religious faith I was brought up in, and some of it is just what I tell myself to stay sane. It's getting harder to think that way, but I am trying to hold on to it.

There's this image I keep replaying in my head. My dad and I were visiting family down south shortly after he had wrapped up his cancer treatment. We stopped by my aunt's house in South Carolina, and she told me with tears in her eyes about how she had started gardening again after my dad's diagnosis. There was a Trump flag flying from her roof.

On another visit to the same family members, we were visiting a college and walked by a gender neutral bathroom. My uncle made some off-color joke about it and then quickly moved on when nobody laughed. My sister (a sort of closeted trans woman) looked at me with an expression of both deep sadness, and whatever face you make when you watch a bird fly head-first into a window.

My point is, I know these people aren't filled with hatred and malice. It's not constructive to waste your energy hating them when their greatest sin is ignorance.

I barely remember the Obergerfell decision, but I remember being in middle school around the time it happened. Attitudes towards queer people weren't great, but they changed so rapidly that I barely noticed. Maybe the fact that this was when I realized I was queer gave me a false sense of security when it came to the "moral arc of the universe", or maybe it's the example I have to hold onto about how fast things can change.

It's easy for people to fall into patterns of hate when they lack exposure, and the media landscape right now is making easier to avoid that sort of exposure. The basis of the fight against extremism is education, and I think it has to also be compassion.

Don't get me wrong, I also have family that are more than likely not worth the effort ("they" control the weather and all that), but those aren't most people. Most people are exhausted by politics. They see the price of groceries and vote for the other guy regardless of who's name is on the ballot. Or they're like a classmate of mine, who didn't really like either candidate and was having trouble just voting for the "better" one.

If anything, I guess this is a reminder to myself to hold on to empathy despite everything. It's fine to feel angry. Hell, it's probably good if it gets you moving. But we cannot respond to dehumanization with more dehumanization.

I'm not really all that religious anymore, but I hold on to some things. One of them is this: All things, by virtue of being crafted by God's hands, have value. Or, as my dad said it "God don't make no shit". This goes for yourself, as well as everyone else. I can't let myself lose that right now.

I don't want to belabor my point too much, but I do want to say that I saw people saying things like "it's all over if trump wins". I'm not going to lie, it's bad and people are going to get hurt and die because of this. America was waiting for the results of it's biopsy and we found out it's cancer... but we're not dead yet. I don't have a specific action I can advocate for, but please, don't give up. Authoritarianism is a longstanding wound on this country and it festers in apathy.

Take a deep breath. Regardless of what happens, time moves forward and the sun will rise in the morning. I am going to go to work, make some dinner, and hopefully find some way to work volunteering into my schedule.

Recommended listening if you want to cry right now

[ultraericthered]

Random Untitled Erika Furudo Post

Was thinking about Umineko lately, and namely the antagonists in Umineko, of which there are several. This "hot take" post here calls them to mind:

And here's my own hot take that it led me to: Erika Furudo is one of the most well humanized and developed villains in Umineko, and it makes her one of the most likable. Which on its face seems totally against what we all agree makes Erika Furudo the powerhouse of gloriously over-the-top, wretched, reprehensible villainy that she is: she's the worst little gremlin ever and we love to hate her for that.

Hating on Erika and having fun doing so is a what. How about the why that makes it so possible and so invigorating? The heart of it if you will, ironic given that Erika's fundamental weakness is in how she ignores the heart of any given mystery situation she investigates. When you get down to it, there's honestly very little about Erika's basic overlining characterization that's too terribly unlikable any moreso than other Umineko characters. Even when she has to play an evil role, she's like a Batman villain - sort of a combination of the Riddler, Harley Quinn, Lady Firefly and Killer Moth - who's too fun and extravaggent to loathe too much. Most of what is viscerally hateable and despicable about Erika doesn't really come from Erika alone, but from her master Bernkastel and what she brings out in Erika. Bernkastel is the one who built her up to be the greatest, most specialist and awesomest super detective ever or else. She's the one who hard-wired Erika to behave as terribly as she often does through what Lambda calls a process for creating the Grade A Bully (abuse and demean person repeatedly, then give that person power). She's the one who, as Erika's master, directly assigns Erika to all of her objectives and either orders or encourages the methods she turns to. And she even made Erika her personalized doppelganger piece who shares her blue hair and face (and possibly the name, a play on Rika Furude.) In order to please and recieve the love and praise of such a thoroughly cruel and cold-hearted master, Erika emulates her in being just as cruel and cold-hearted. Whenever Erika morphs into the worst concievable version of herself, it's because she's had Bern's prodding and Bern's permission. Bern and Erika are two identical faces to the same whole menace, and we thus despise them both.

But here's the most twisted and deepest facet of Erika's character: we're shown on a number of occassions that were she not tied to Bern, and was just free to act on her own and follow her own course as the detective she naturally is, Erika would not be an evil person. She is, at her core, a maladjusted, arrogant, unkind, deeply flawed, morally gray antihero type character; not all good, but not truly evil. And this is fundamental in understanding why Erika is how she is and appreciating the value in the role she plays. In the extra meta joke segment of the Umineko special epilogue written by Ryukishi07, Last Note of the Golden Witch, there's a very morbidly humorous sequence where some of Erika's characteristics and some of her deeds are being described to characters who've lost all memory of who Erika was, and their takeaway is that whoever was being described sounds like the worst kind of person in the world who no one would ever want to be friends with or invite to parties. A savage evisceration of Erika's character that she's not even present to hear, but the ironic "punchline" of this bit is that, like Erika herself, all these people are missing the heart, as they cannot remember that heart. For without love, it cannot be seen; they've lost memory of the love they all had for this person along with the dislike and displeasure of her unsavory qualities, so they cannot see what reason there could concievably be to want her around. But when they do all regain their memories of Erika's existence, they revert back to knowing that while Erika may be a pain in their rear ends, she's also a precious friend to them who they cherish and appreciate in spite of her many flaws.

This is what I believe to be the paradox that makes up the core of Erika Furudo's character: she is a character who evokes and earns our irritation, disgust, and hatred of her every step of the journey while also being a character that even we can recognize deserves to be loved and be shown love. We love to hate Erika not simply because she's The Worst, we love to hate Erika because we know she has it in her to be better. And so long as she's being The Worst instead, we relish her comeuppances and hope she gets taught a good lesson from all the mishaps and that maybe, just perhaps, long shot though it may be, it'll help her grow and improve in the long run. Through this she crosses the line into being quite a lovable and popular character, as our own softer feelings on her manifest in five different ways: - Affectionate endearment and adoring of her cuteness and quirks. - Amusement at her antics and how humorous she can be. - Pity and sympathy for her when she's sad, pathetic, in pain, etc. - Begrudging respect and admiration for her better qualities. - Even finding her to be distressingly relatable at times! Yes really!

A well known piece of trivia among fans is that much like Princess Azula of Avatar: the Last Airbender fame, the character concept that ultimately became Erika began as a male character - the evil young detective Virgilius, who'd be introduced in EP3 posing as an obscure and overlooked member of the Ushiromiya family, would investigate a dark, brutal version of the Rokkenjima murders that would tie into the origins of Beatrice, and would become Battler's archrival who'd clash with him as a recurring antagonist afterwards. He had only a concept, rough character design, and a few planned scenes to his name before he ended up getting scrapped, but from the look of him, Virigilius was set up to be the Anti-Battler whose character would parallel Battler's own despite the superficial differences. While I'm not the biggest fan of EP2 compared to the other chapters that aren't EP7, I'm ultimately thankful it turned out like it did, as the polarized and confounded fan response led to Ryukishi07 overhauling his plans for the following chapter, replacing Virgilius with the very different Virgilia, and repurposing those original EP3 concepts for EP5. And Erika Furudo as we know her was effected in a major way by two fateful decisions: bumping her debut up to EP5, and making her female. The former tremendously changed up what her dynamic with Battler would be like, having it start off like what was planned for Virgilius but at a more appropriate place in the narrative for that sort of Difficulty Spike in the challenge presented by this character to Battler (rather than Virgilius "beating Battler down to rock bottom" in just the third arc) and then flipping the script completely so that Battler becomes Erika's "Beatrice" and Erika is now Golden Sorceror Battler's own "Battler", making for more interesting and meaningful conflict between them. And the latter meant that rather than be an Evil Counterpart to Battler as Virigilus was going to be, Erika instead became an Evil Counterpart to Ange, being brought in to replace Ange as Bern's piece to use against Lambda and with Ange herself noting the similarities at least twice (which is likely a huge factor in why Ange could so easily forgive Erika after the whole "wanted to marry and rape her big brother" thing, but then again Beato and even Battler himself have no hard feelings about that nasty business...)

Gonna spend the rest of this post with some manga panels from the EP5 adaptation, 'cause while I think Erika's humanizing moments in her subsequent appearances are well known, the manga art for EP5 that allows for more vibrant body language and expressive faces really adds to her and enhances the nuances in her characterization.

Erika's excited enthusiasm for chopsticks is 100% genuine, as is her request for Gohda to bring her chopsticks with which to eat the next dish, 'cause "with a pair of chopsticks, she can eat absolutely any dish!" Except that turns out not to be so, as the next dish is soup. There's a pin drop. Erika is no doubt embarrassed and internally going "Fuck fuck FUCK!" But, she saves face by giving a shrug with an adorably goofy grin on her cute little face, much to everyone's amusement. Of course this is also when everyone starts shilling her to an obnoxious, insufferable degree, but this was a good starting point for Erika's characterization and nice little gesture from her.

The family dinner continues to go well as Erika remains polite and laughs, jokes, and chats with all the others. It's part of her fake good girl routine and doesn't reflect her actual character, but as Jessica puts it, the Ushiromiya conference atmosphere is normally strained and not pleasant to endure. Even if it comes from a disingenuous place, Erika's done a decent thing by livening up the get-together and ensuring that everyone gets to enjoy themselves more than usual.

Note that all this happens before Erika has any reason to despise Battler, nor is she at the point where she wants to use him to find and attain the hidden gold just to spite Jessica and watch how the rest of the family reacts - she actually respects Piece Battler and gets along with him quite well, which is a harbinger for their dynamic to come.

I love that Erika and Dr. Nanjo spent a good many minutes on end just geeking out about different intellectually stimulating topics with each other, and she even uses her famed catchphrase in a joking manner. Granted, Nanjo is a bit inebriated from wine at the moment, but as a funny little aside, Erika says she wouldn't mind being so too!

This is when having someone as bright and genre-savvy as Erika with you during a tense and dangerous situation is a blessing, as she points out why it's both a cliched and terrible idea to split up and look in different places rather than stay together as a group. The scene then escalates into a joke where Erika mocks how easy Beatrice is being to figure out here and how "third-rate" it makes her seem as a culprit before randomly noting that third-rate action movies go in the direction opposite of third-rate horror and mystery stories because the main character can act alone yet always survive. Go figure!

Erika starts to get bored when it's seeming like the mystery isn't going to be an intellectual challenge to think her way through and figure out, and that face of her's conveys that she's not just being snarky here, she is actually getting disspirited by the unfolding of events and had really expected Beatrice to be a worthier opponent.

This is an interesting artistic choice, having a brief panel of Erika's face close up in between Battler's question and Erika giving her cheeky reply. I think she's meant to be thinking "Of course I have a heart. What kind of question is that?", because if she had no heart, she'd never had experienced heartbreak in her past relationship with her unnammed, unseen ex-boyfriend....but that only reminds her that it is because she suffered that heartbreak that she'd much prefer to NOT have a heart, to live in accordance with her mind, intellect and deductive reasoning rather than her heart and feelings for others.

Look at how excited she gets over a closed room! It's so precious! <3

And in another strangely relatable moment for Erika Furudo, she expresses some pleasure at the idea of finding Kinzo dead!

This is Mystery Nerd Erika Furudo fully unleashed. While she gets into smug, insufferable know-it-all territory and displays her lack of empathy by equating the mass murder of 18 people with fictional murders of fictional characters in fictional mystery stories (but to be fair to her, when you come from the Meta Realm and are well aware of the nature of "the gameboard" and "game pieces" in a Witch's Game, it's sort of hard not to have this mental conflation!), it starts off with some genuine gushing and trivia concerning her special interest, which is hard not to find a bit adorable and even identifiable.

After Battler demolishes Erika with facts concerning detective fiction that she didn't know or overlooked, Erika feels humiliated and furious over it, getting visibly flustered and twitchy but trying her best to not lose her cordial front and keep her respect for Battler, both internally and externally. When Battler tests her further, she's brought to the verge of tears from how embarrassed, shown up and shamed she's getting. Even when she's getting back to business as the detective, you can see the tears still in her eyes. Damn, this really cut her deep.

OK, now it's just getting funny. Poor Erika, your ego is so fragile!

Erika was absolutely petrified of having to give her full report of how her investigation's gone and what theories she's come up with to her beloved master. She fears her master will start to hate her and will abuse her verbally, emotionally, and physically for her failings. So Bern seeming to be chill and gracious brings her such visible relief...

....And then Lambda tears into her deductions and theories, ripping them to shreds with Red Truth, and being the most terrifying menace possible. Just look at how Erika takes to it: she's panicked, she's struck by stark horror, she's despairing and feeling violated here!

And there's the abusive treatment from Bern that Erika was fearing! Right after a moment where it looked like her master still had some degree of pride and respect towards her only to cruelly yank the chain and tear her down instead. Erika's horrified face really sells it.

She's the ultimate asshole, but how can you heart not break for her seeing her like this? Even she doesn't deserve to be put through this.

While this is mostly a strange and comical moment where Erika just spontaneously has an outburst at the breakfast table about how she's figured out how Battler was able to pull off an escape from the closed room of Kinzo's Study in an implausible way that he shouldn't have lived through, including saying stuff about her master than no one in the room would understand, this point at the end is just pitiful - Erika is close to shedding tears again and pleading out loud for Bern to forgive her and accept her, to not think her an incompetent failure who can't play her role right, and to not throw her away as her piece.

And then after Bern sends her a sign from above that she heard her plea and understands? We get this. And it's bizarrely wholesome.

This is a particularly interesting bit. Natsuhi tells Erika that she surely must have never really been in love before in her life. Which raises an eyebrow on Erika and she retreats into her head, thinking back to the girl in a shaky, unfaithful relationship that she used to be before she became the great detective and "intellecutal rapist". She dated some guy, she suspected him of being unfaithful to her and invaded his privacy in order to investigate and obtain proof of it, and she was heartbroken by how he threw her out and they broke things off...but in all those memories, she finds no proof that she was ever really, truly in love. And even now, she's never known a loving relationship.

Some really solid fleshing out of this brief line via artwork. When Natsuhi refuses to break down and confess her guilt, still insisting upon her innocence in all the murders (which she's right about, but Erika absolutely needs Natsuhi to be the TRUE "Beatrice" in this case so that Lambda's game can by won for her master and is going to follow the most heartless and twisted logic imaginable in order to reach the solution she wants to reach), Erika's eyes narrow in this very joyless way, shadow falls over her face, her expression glum. Almost like a part of her wanted this case to be wrapped up before she'd have to reach this point and go to the lengths she's about to go to, like she'd hoped she wouldn't have to resort to the slut shamey deduction she'll soon make and feels a bit icky deep down inside that it's about to come to that. She expresses both disdain and pity to Natsuhi, assigning her the blame for what she's about to pull as she was giving her that one chance to avoid it, and Natsuhi refused it.

This is all just so sweet, you almost forgot that Erika's a despicably villainous detective who intends to instill a reign of terror over Beato's gameboard in her master's name, and that Bernkastel is just as despicable for now showering Erika with all the kind treatment and rewards she'd been yearning for from her even when she mistreated her so horribly beforehand and will again horribly mistreat her later.

Just like that, all that kindness from her master, all that she'd been rewarded with, all that good, proud, accomplished feeling she had upon winning the game and becoming the Witch of Truth is gone. Erased. Utterly obliterated. With Lambda sadistically rubbing it in because she gets off on seeing the humiliation of friends and rivals. No wonder Erika undergoes what is by far her most massive mental breakdown in the series at this point and is ready to destroy Battler.

One of the most heartbreaking moments of pity and sympathy for Erika, which is then turned into one of the most heartwarming too. Dlanor comes to Erika's defense and validates the truth she'd managed to pull from this case as being effective and plausible, with Battler also vouching for it since while it can't be definitively proven, it can't be definitively disproved either, both Battler and Dlanor firing shots at Bern by reaffirming it's not a truth that can be written off as pathetic and arbitrarily denied, and Dlanor's vow to protect Erika and her truth finally breaking down all of Erika's walls as she wails and sobs on the floor. Even Lambda seems to find it sweet and pleasing!

Erika Furudo, wherever you are, know that we think you're the Worst Girl and we appreciate you for it. You're bad, and that's <Good>.

[theerurishipper]

Season 4 and 5 made it just so difficult to truly believe that Marinette really loves her Kitty. The Fandom and show can scream about vague soft eyes and "she loves her kitty so muuuuuuch! <3" however they want, but it says alot about Marinette's character that this vague "I love my kitty" never really gets any more specific.

Saying "I like you / I want you around" doesn't mean anything whne the actions themselves paint the picture of her basically taking Cat Noir for granted and not thinking a single second about his actual well being or his perspective in any of this.

It's like in Glaciator 2 where a good part of the episode Marinette spends either screaming at Cat, manhandling him however she pleases and even invalidating any of his emotions by screaming in his face that HIS emotions don't matter in any of this, this is about HER and her only when she used him not knowing Marinette is Ladybug against him by secretly forcing him to practice with her her confession for Adrien.

She's literally screaming at him that his emotions are irrelevant to her. She just wants him to do whatever she wants and however she wants it bc apparently thats the only way she can stand being around him. And that she got in season 5, how Lovely.

And then later when Cat voices that he thinks Ladybug can't stand him anymore because she screams at him and gets seriously physical Marinette is like "No, no, that doesn't mean she hates you <3"

When, like, yes Marinette. Under anything resembling to normal morality you constantly reducing him to a rag doll, screaming, insulting, replacing him, leaving him behind on the battle field for your own and your friends' benefit and brushing him off would be a perfectly reasonable thing for another person to view as a bad thing. Only YOU would demand of someone to view that as unparalleled depictions of fondness, and that hasn't changed much by Elation.

Her ignoring his discomfort in the kissing scene (closing her eyes again) and then almost turning into Cat's enemy for daring to tell her "no" one time is one unnerving sight to behold. She basically immediately went back to season 4 mode the moment she didn't get what she wanted. I don't even want to imagine what she would have done to him by impulse if that moment had happened in Ladynoir (I hate how CONSISTENT this is...)

and even by the end of the episode she's still only asking him to validate her when he brings her back.

And well, then she leaves.

It's difficult to actually believe that Marinette really values Cat Noir alot. It feels much more like she values and likes how little genuine efforts she has to make in their dynamics to reach a normal standard, and that he's just the most convenient person for her regarding any kind of ugly dirty work or her worst tendencies not coming with regular circumstances. So of course she would like that.

If I had an anger problem, I would probably like the person too who had to learn from me that that's "perfectly reasonable behavior" they should view as GOOD in a dynamic bc i like using them as rag doll, punching bag and tool.

But just because I personally would find comfort in a person accepting that I can do that to them as my way of "showing affection" doesn't it mean that that's a good thing to make soft eyes about.

But the show is not GIVING us much more to work with. Marinette only on rare occasions voices anything she even likes about him. It goes mostly unsaid so you can claim whatever you want about her feelings for him.

She likes that he's funny, only that the show isn't showing that alot. If at all. Marinette telling Alya in Hack-San to laugh at his jokes because he likes taht is kinda out of left field because Marinette herself honestly doesn't do it alot. The normal reaction is her being annoyed, shutting him up and even insulting him, down to any kind of "slapstick".

And the most I can remember her having SAID about being in love with him in season 5 was being thirsty about how hot he is. I don't wanna be mean but no wonder Alya basically disregarded Marinette's crush. It's not like she ever named anything serious, and tahts....honestly awful.

With Adrien as Cat Noir there was NEVER a question if he values her for more than her being pretty. He loves her brilliant mind, her determination, her drive to help people. Him complimenting her for being pretty was just the cherry on top.

But only towards Joan of Arc did she mention that she likes his loyalty, but that got ruined by her straight up AGREEING with her whne she insulted Cat and the "loyal" part was only to save her own face. She literally agreed with someone insulting Cat right in front of him and only said "yeah, but he's LOYAL" which of course made him insecure. He couldn't see Joan of Arc, how many people are there and what the insult was Ladybug just agreed with. He can't defend himself and saw that Ladybug literally WON'T.

So which one is it, Marinette? Is he hot or a runt who's lucky he's loyal? Why was Joan's opinion of you the whole episode the only thing you actually cared about to the point where you were fine with throwing the person you love oh so much to the dogs again? And Cat looking bad and humiliated again was barely an afterthought to you, as long as it wasn't YOU?

If she actually loves and value him then why is she still treating him as if he merely spawns into existence for akumas or her entertainment and benefit as her care taker? Why isn't Marinette trying to make up for how she used her civilian side to make him do whatever she wants several times by now, as if she never even conciders how this will look like once they reveal (I would loose sleep if I did that to a person!)?

Why was she still perfectly fine with him being completely isolated and having no one in a case of emergency, meaning she always continued letting him run the risk of ending up the way he did in the season 5 finale? Cat being found as a civilian by Hawkmoth was from day 1 one of the most obvious things that could happen and even after 2 what if episodes this fate of his was never actually avoided, because Marinette always just prioritized getting HERSELF out of the equation more than him truly being safe.

That's a risk she was apparently from start til the end perfectly willing to take.

5 entire seasons and the only safety thing she cared about in their dynamic is that if he gets caught and is at the villain's mercy, he does so as quietly as possible so she isn't bothered by it and can close her eyes, cover her ears and go "Lalala".

If Marinette in any of these 5 seasons thought Cat deserved help too than she sure never acted like it, and in fact demanded the complete opposite for her own comfort.

How am I supposed to believe that Marinette loves and values Cat Noir as a person when non of that or his entire personhood goes beyond what little she wants for her own comfort? If you love a person you would actually want them save and not remain in harms way but accept that you shouldn't be asked to care about that? Or remain completely isolated in the dangerous lives you lead without being allowed to ask muvb of anything from you support wise?

Or constantly ditched on the battle field, being done who knows what to so YOU and your friends are fine while you execute the actual plan with the others.

You would ask questions if they're okay and if they need help too, and not just take any half an indicator your being given to write off any concern because you apparently don't actually wanna think about any of that.

You would actually think about them in any decision you make because this is not just about you and their well being should mean something to you. You would tell them things so you don't risk them getting hurt by having to find out themselves the worst way (and here leading to akumatizations).

You would let them made their own choices, have agency and not just when you're forced to. You wouldn't casually execute a plan to trick them into revealing their important secret identitiy to two people without their consent or knowledge, and ESPECIALLY not when the god damn angry authority figure, who already doesn't lie your partner, would fucking use it to get rid of them behind YOUR BACK TOO.

You wouldn't want physical harm being done to them instead of even being a main source of it, and never taking accountability for that while demanding to never get touched and spoken to in a single wrong way. You wouldn't want that they accept that you don't owe them anything as their LEADER but they owe you EVERYTHING because you said so and can't handle anything else in a "partnership".

(Only to feel sorry about it for 2 minutes when you loose everyone else but, well, not really I guess? Or else she would have tried making up for it in season 5 more than just surface level stuff that was once again mostly for HER benefit anyway. But more than that never happened)

You wouldn't want to think they're stupid for not thinking like you and draw the line at any "back talking" you're being given bc you apparently concider anything else but absolut obedience and blind faith as your little puppet as you being "disrespected". So they must walk around you like on eggshells and only talk in soft compliments and supportive words cause who knows how you would react otherwise?

Dude, no wonder Ladynoir is fucking dead. Good for Adrien, and I hate that we've come THIS far. Such a thing is one of the last things I ever wanted to say when I started watching the show. Now I can't be angry taht Ladynoir is fucking dead and Cat Noir didn't made it out of the partnership for the finale, because wtf else was this supposed to result in??

I just cannot fathom the type of "Love" and fondness Marinette supposedly has for Cat Noir. Whatever fondness she feels for him gets drowned out by other 20 red flags about her not actual treating him like a real person.

And man, I HATE that...

Yeah, literally. This is probably harsher than what I think, but it's more or less my thoughts on the matter.

Thank you for your ask!

[worstloki]

Okay, this is gettin’ real screwed up here.

I watch a lot of TV. Probably too much. And I’ve seen characters beaten to their knees before, sometimes even with collars. And yeah, there’s usually someone standing over them, and it’s been a woman sometimes. The kind of scene we got in episode 5 of Loki is not new ground.

But here’s the thing. In EVERY OTHER SCENE I can remember like this, the person kneeling is the hero. They’ve been brought down, fully humbled before the sneering villain, and in a few minutes something will happen to get them back on their feet again. It’s usually a tense moment, a “what if they break?” that makes you want the hero to win. You aren’t rooting for, or even liking in some cases, the person standing. You’re cheering for the person on their knees.

This doesn’t seem to be the case with the Loki show. Yes, the viewers may be rooting for Loki, but there’s no hatred for Sif there. She’s not proved herself to be a cold, heartless villain, ruthlessly pounding the hero until all he can do is kneel at her feet.

Except…she did kind of do that. But it isn’t treated as something bad. It’s treated more as something Loki deserved, in my opinion. The show wants us to feel like he deserved to get repeatedly beaten up and told horrible things, just for cutting off a lock of Sif’s hair. I’ll grant, it’s peanuts compared to what happened to him in the mythology. But it’s still bad. Especially since they had him acknowledge it, repeat her cruel words back. They’re playing it off as if Loki is still the villain by himself, and is only good because of other people- Mobius, mostly, but Sif is part of that.

That’s not the way Loki’s character is. In the comics particularly, his biggest arcs are always about reinventing the labels given to him, changing “villain” into something good, something he can use, and doing it by himself. Yes, there’s outside influence, but ultimately Loki is the one who decided to change.

The show is not letting him do that. The show is portraying him as a stubborn jackass who refuses to change until other people show him the light- either with psychological torture presented as therapy, or with beating him up a bunch of times until he gives in. The show and its characters are forcing Loki to become good- they aren’t showing him doing it by himself. He is not becoming one of the good guys, he’s being essentially enslaved by them, and the show is passing it off as somehow all that good influence finally rubbed off on Loki’s cold, villainous heart. That’s why him betraying Mobius was shown as so bad even though Loki barely knew him and had been psychologically tortured by him- Mobius is written as a character who can choose to be good, and Loki is written as a character who must be forced to be good.

And something about an entire show revolving around an independent character being treated as a villain, literally enslaved by the “good guys” (back when the show still wanted us to think the TVA weren’t shady as all hell), beaten to his knees with a collar around his neck until he accepts that he deserves to be alone because he isn’t “good” like everybody else…that doesn’t go down right for me.

The TVA being presented in not just a neutral but often reliable light is something I thought would change once Loki literally called out their propaganda and Sylvie called them fascists, but, for some reason the authoritarian genocidalists are not being presented as a bad thing and it irks me too.

It's especially weird because of the way what Loki claims to have wanted by making choices for people and what Mobius claims the TVA do ARE THE EXACT SAME THINGS, except Loki, until the show, hadn't done that of his own volition and was being tortured during the invasion and is treated terribly for something he didn't even succeed in doing, while the TVA successfully erase events on a mass scale but are presented as having a higher (or at best, - equal) moral ground.

The exact same thing was done in Ragnarok where Loki's "turning point" from a tricksy villainous scoundrel happened because Thor left him frying on the ground and gave him a pep talk filled with lies and general slander about how he could be better - and people see that as good because Thor is framed as a hero, and it's because instead of accepting Loki is a complex character they take what the narrative tells at face value and that is that Loki fights the protagonist(s) so he's bad.

I personally don't like the narrative pushing a character that is canonically an abuse victim and attempted suicide and was tortured right after as someone who needs fixing because he's lusting for power and needs it to gain a sense of control during a retcon which is occurring for the sake of calling him a complete bad guy who needs to change (probably because no actual original character development could be thought of?) after he was just confirmed as queer and colloquially (i assume) called a narcissist because of twisted love.

That he deserves to be alone was presented neutrally as a joke even as he was repeatedly getting beaten to the ground, and then both people he could call friends were removed from his immediate vicinity right after.

Loki isn't being presented as a character that has done a huge mix of good and bad in the movies, he's being presented as an oft incompetent idiot that deserves what he gets because he shouldn't have run away from captors, or he cut Sif's hair, or he killed his mother, or he dared to think he had any importance or could do something good, because the truth is he's an evil lying scourge.

"But maybe," Mobius says, "Maybe he wants to mix it up. Sometimes you get tired of playing the same part. Is that possible? He can change?" And everyone's already forgotten that moments before the mission Mobius said to Loki's face that the TVA has pruned a lot of Loki variants because he's so nice! look! he has hope in him when no one else does! It's also easy to forget the "and hey, if it doesn't work, I'll delete him myself," right after because the guy was smiling through it and the scene is followed by Loki really badly trying to explain the logic of being a trickster who everyone knows is a trickster.

A lot of people payed more attention in Ragnarok than to the other Thor movies so it's not a new retcon and people seem fine with the extremely strange take that 'loki is bad but he can do good sometimes,' because the character is more animated and acts foolish and that's generally more fun for comedy, which is fair for people to prefer imo, people find different things entertaining.

But I do solidly hope the show doesn't go that way though and takes a side with Loki on the narrative stance eventually because I've seen a lot of people who just. miss that the TVA's concept is bad. And those who think they're "reforming" Loki. As if the guy needs anything but a break at this point lmao he only got away from Thanos like 2 days ago please just let him rest for a bit he's a fail villain and it's cringe to have your supposed 1st open queer character get beaten to a pulp by Sif and then put wack sexualizing shots for it too :/

it's like the show itself is trying to sell the angle of "Loki is a villain" and I'm a clown who is still wanting that to be intentional because if it is? It could be amazing and playing with how different parties are framed would be s p e c t a cu l ar and could encourage people to reassess the hero coding in other movies including ones Loki was previously in - but we're reaching the last two episodes and I don't feel like that'll happen.

I feel like even if Loki does reach the end of the show as a transformed person it'll be done leaving the audience with "perhaps you're not so bad after all, Loki," and then also give credit to Mobius or Sylvie or whoever else was involved, simply because as even of yet Loki hasn't taken on a lead role in the show. I'd argue he hasn't really contributed anything worthwhile to plot either. As you've said, he's being shown as someone who needs to change but isn't really motivated to. Aw man they better not make romantic love the reason he wants to change.

[claudeleine]

Did it ever occur to anyone that Wanda’s Roma background in the comics was BUILT on racist stereotypes? Similarly to M’Baku but also several others. And maybe that’s why the show runners stepped away from that..?

okay, so i think what we have here is someone who skimmed the original post in question (paragraph 2) and likely didn’t ready any of the links attached because that first message has been addressed already... but for anyone else in the same boat:

from gavia baker-whitelaw’s article:

Wanda and Pietro's Romani heritage was canon for decades (including in their non-mutant backstory), although this depiction often had problematic undertones. Wanda is literally a mysterious foreign witch, a damaging stereotype that acquired more nuance in later comics. But instead of updating Wanda and Pietro as modern Jewish/Romani superheroes (much like how Black Panther's charismatic M'Baku started out as a villain named "Man-Ape"), Disney whitewashed them. This casting choice was divisive in 2013, when The Atlantic highlighted the negative connotations of casting a white blonde actress as Scarlet Witch. Roma people are a marginalized ethnic minority, and Disney chose to erase their presence from the MCU.

...This rewrite was rather tone-deaf, because it involved Wanda and Pietro volunteering for neo-Nazi experiments. In the comics, their original parents were Holocaust survivors. Whedon also ignored the most obvious solution to Wanda and Pietro's non-mutant backstory: Django and Marya Maximoff, their Romani parents from the comics.

white washing characters is never the best solution. it doesn’t address the issue in so much as it just sweeps it under the rug. as well as perpetuating the idea that white is some unproblematic neutral that ppl can just default to. like can you imagine if in an attempt to “fix” how m’baku is portrayed in the comics, they just...put a white guy in the role? you can’t just remove a characters racial or ethnic background. no one is saying that her comic background hasn’t been problematic, but this isn’t the way to remedy that.

@scarlet--wiccan has an amazing post about the erasure of this whole family’s ethnic identity in the fox x-men films (x).

@villyns also has a good post outlining some examples of the mcu white washing rather than actually fixing the problem (x).

and here’s a decent article on white washing in media and why it’s a problem (x), quote from this article below:

Making a movie is not an easy feat; there are many things to take into account and even more people that you have to please, but there are also standards and morals to uphold. Whitewashing, blackface, brownface or yellowface is not just about denying jobs to minority actors, appropriating the stories of these groups, perpetuating stereotypes or keeping them invisible, it is about undermining their value as human beings and turning them into stepping stones, props, for white artists.

as for the second part. i think that’s entirely possible, actually. it’s done a lot to characters, where they won’t explicitly state their ethnicity but give them attributes from one (often stereotypes) and make them a caricature without making it, like i said, explicit. take the concept of jewish-coded villains in media. no one from disney has ever said that mother gothel in tangled is jewish, but it’s been pointed out by everyone that she’s jewish coded through stereotypes, ones specifically often used for “evil” witch-type characters, which is no coincidence: large, hooked nose, curly hair, greedy, etc. edit: hollywood uses coding like this often for racial/ethnic groups and the lgbtq+ community.

the maximoffs in the mcu and xmcu have never been explicitly made romani, with disney going so far as to change their parents romani names (django and marya) to oleg and irina. the name changes were unnecessary, except to distance the maximoffs from their original romani identity. the mcu changed their origins stories and cast non-romani actors to portray the maximoffs, and considering they went as far as to remove their jewish heritage as i mentioned before, it’s not a stretch that this is all an attempt to veil their romani background too. while they often joke about stealing and fortune tellers and poverty (the wv halloween episode really put it all in one place, but they’ve been doing it forever in the xmcu and mcu), i wouldn’t say this is an attempt to make them romani as much as it is to use a romani-esque caricature, to use it as a sort of “aesthetic” for the twins without acknowledging that it’s an ethnicity. the aspects they choose to keep are often either negative or painted in a negative light. i think the fact that el*zabeth ols*en continuously uses the g-slur to talk about wanda and costume design, speaks to that. 

and even if the mcu came out and said, “oh, our wanda is romani,” that wouldn’t change the fact that she’s played by a non-romani actress (who continues to use anti-romani slurs, despite knowing she shouldn’t) and that so far, they have not explicitly stated in the mcu that she is.

from gavia baker-whitelaw’s article:

Wanda and Pietro's whitewashing feels like an attempt to "neutralize" them. It frames their ethnicity as a problem to be avoided, rather than an opportunity to celebrate an under-represented group. This also meant that Marvel could cast famous white actors instead of sourcing an unknown Romani actor, during a period when the MCU was visibly uninterested in racial diversity.

But Marvel Studios wanted to have its cake and eat it, too. While Wanda is now white and Sokovian, her role isn't completely divorced from its Romani origins. It can't be, because everything in the MCU is informed by the comics. That's how we end up with El*zabeth Ols*n describing her Age of Ultron costume as "kind of this g*psy, vagabond feel"—terms that usually wouldn't come to mind for a simple black minidress and maroon jacket. Wanda's Romani heritage remains visible through veiled references and superficial costume choices, sidestepping any hint of meaningful representation.

from jessica reidy’s article:

Today, some Roma do call themselves witches, and serve as healers and spell-casters in a community, but make no mistake, being a witch is a job like any other. I was trained by my grandmother, I studied hard, I started a business, and I take bookings in my Google calendar. This is the context that most people miss when creating (or, in this case, adapting) Romani witch characters like Wanda Maximoff, and while the Scarlet Witch has plenty of magic, she does not need to fall into the stereotype, nor have her identity erased.

Representation matters. Wanda’s Romani ethnicity has been well-stated in the comic books, sometimes capturing the discrimination and violence that Roma face, and other times falling flat and stereotypical. Marvel also owes us, as Roma are often rendered as mentally unstable thieves, such as Dr. Doom, Wanda and Pietro’s community, and Wanda herself, and the entertainment giant capitalizes off of these stereotypes, reinforcing them all the while.

Every opportunity we get for accurate and positive representation is essential to us because it shapes the way people understand us.

linking the post i made again, because it has a list of articles and posts i’d recommend really taking the time to look through and engaging with them, as well as following folks like jessica reidy and @scarlet--wiccan​ on social media for more info from romani folks. 

[dingdongitsbees]

Gojo is a strong person | Gojo x gn!reader oneshot (Angst)

Synopsis: Gojo is the strongest, that was an agreed upon fact, or at least he thought it was until he met you.

The first time you had laid eyes upon him, you laughed.

“This is almighty Gojo Satoru, huh?”

Ao3 Link

WC: 3k Tw: canon typical violence, death Just send an ask to be added to Gojo taglist! (specify if you don’t want angst etc)

Jujutsu Kaisen Masterlist | Main Masterlist

Gojo Satoru is a strong person, that’s what everyone knew. That fact was known by every shaman that had had their first breath and by anyone that laid their eyes on him, even if only for a split moment in the bustling crowds of Tokyo. It was a fact that the man knew himself, it could hardly be called egotistical if it was simply the truth that he was the strongest, though he toed the line of cocky so much that he had fully passed its threshold far before he even attended school. But his parents and his clan and the servants that worked there never gave him anything else to think. 

He was better than them by the time he had first opened his eyes. He was a man whose mere existence disrupted the world so chaotically that any possible adversary would tremble at the mere thought of facing him. Gojo Satoru is the strongest, that was an agreed upon fact, or at least he thought it was until he met you.

The first time you had laid eyes upon him, you laughed.

“This is almighty Gojo Satoru, huh?”

He was stunned. People rarely smiled at him, only when trying to please him or gain something from him, laughs and giggles became shushed when he came near. Never had he heard such a clear laugh from someone aware of his presence, let alone laughing at him.

And like you had expected his frozen form, you gave him a knowing look and a smile. “I look forward to getting to know you, Satoru.”

To say that he was enamoured by you by the moment your smile reached your crinkling eyes was an understatement.

His high school years began and never had he felt more challenged in his life. He was the strongest, that still rung true, but until then he had never felt a desire to prove it, a desire to impress. His ideals and methods were questioned and criticised, his techniques scrutinised and forced to improve and adapt. His teachers, Getou, Shoko, even the younger students like Nanami, all challenged him.

Prove to us that you are the strongest. We will not accept a statement like that at face value. Prove it.

Now get better.

But none of them came close to you. You hounded him at every open opportunity, around every corner. And oh, did he welcome it. You’d challenge him to fights, lose almost every time, but always find something he did badly or should have done that he would obsess over for the days and weeks to come. You’d think of new ways for him to apply his techniques and go further beyond anyone that had inherited Infinity, aiding him reach potentials he didn’t even think existed or that he needed. You’d come back with an argument to anything and everything you disagreed with, answers he couldn’t look past or debunk, forcing him into a state of reflection which his parents had deprived him of.

Gojo Satoru was the strongest, but he learned very quickly that he wasn’t perfect.

He continued to change; adapt to everything you threw at him. His cocky attitude stayed carved in stone, his laughs at the weak were never missed, but he looked forward in excitement. He had never had that before you. His life path was laid out perfectly for him since birth, a life he had never asked for he once said. And you had replied.

“Then why are you following it? You’re the strongest, aren’t you? Then do what you want, no one can stop you.”

He soon realised that the flutters his heart experienced as he laid down in the grass next to you, staring up at the stars, was not just his heart stuttering at the beauty of the universe. His heart imploded whenever your fingers came close to his, subtle shoulder touches from passing in the corridors, laughs at his jokes that would get you into stitches, smiles that seemed to lighten his heart and drop his stomach like a rollercoaster, and eyes that stared into his soul.

And you knew, oh by god you knew what effect you had on him. You were no fool. But oh my, was it fun.

You had feelings for him too, you weren’t that cruel, and you knew that he knew that too. But you weren’t going to jump headfirst into a boy who couldn’t differentiate between what he wanted, and what he was expected to want. Who he was, and who he was supposed to be.

One night, like many nights before, you laid on his bed together, chips and chocolates and any wrappers of sweets he had impulsively bought surrounding you two. And that night he turned to you, question hesitant on his lips.

“What do you think of me? Who do you think I am?”

You pursed your lips, tilting your head towards him, thinking of what to say but you already knew the answer the moment he asked.

“You’re Satoru,” you said, a grin taking up half your face. “You’re just Satoru.”

He would never admit it, but he cried that night, he cried hard. And he wouldn’t have to worry, because you expected this of him, of course you did, you always did, and you held him. You held him as tight as you possibly could, as tight as you could hold a lonely boy crushed by the weight of the world that he never volunteered to lift. He was Atlas, but you were next to him, helping hold the world on your shoulders, even if you were scared that it would crush your shoulders into splinters, never would you have mentioned it.

The two of you continued to dance to the song that the pair of you had been listening to for years, waiting for one to take the step forward, to dip the other into no return. Dance the dance that had been safely done with a metre in between the two of you, not wanting to step on the other’s feet, not wanting to come in before the bridge started, not wanting to get the timing of the beat drop wrong. Things caused chaos around the ballroom that you danced in, friends lost to death or to wars of morals and ideals, faith lost in elders meant to protect you but instead fetishized tradition, guidance into the adult world being left in the air. But the two of you continued to dance, getting incrementally closer to each other, breath reaching skin, fabrics tripping over each other, but never quite close enough to feel the other, always a hair width away.

And like you had expected, like you had waited patiently for, he stepped closer, bridging the gap between the two of you. A smile stayed on your lips as he pressed his mouth to yours gently, eyelashes fluttering against his cheeks in greeting. Satoru had finally become him. Not the shaman that was whispered between hands, the sorcerer who elders expected great things from, not just the strongest. He was Satoru, and that was as perfect as he was ever going to be, and as perfect as you wanted him.

Years passed and not even for a moment could you be bored when existing in the same world as Gojo Satoru. Every day was something new, something to tease about the other, another sign of affection that would make the other’s heart stumble, another reason to fall even more irrevocably in love.

You stood by his side with everything he stood for, staying grounded and as a point of reference of what he wanted this world to be. The world he wanted you to be able to live in. You argued by his side when trying to revoke death wishes that were put on Itadori, giving a smile to the higher ups when he insinuated the length he would go to in order to get the world of his own design. You would be slitting throats next to him before he had the chance to ask and everyone knew it. 

Your name was whispered beside his now, one couldn’t be mentioned without mentioning the other. The strongest and the tamer. The one that had incapsulated every corner of Gojo Satoru’s heart and would never leave. The one that the man would burn down the world for if it dared to insult the love of his life, and the two of you would just smile through the flames. 

Good and evil is relative, but neither compares to the terrifying ordeal yet comfort of being known by someone else through and through. Every pore and freckle and hair studied by the other until they know the other’s face and soul better than they know their own.

Satoru was only ever approached when you were away on a mission. There was no chance of compromise or pushing when you were in the vicinity. You knew what he wanted, and you wouldn’t settle for anything less than. Gojo Satoru was the strongest, but you had him happily in your hands at your mercy and direction, you were the scariest.

So it was no surprise to either of you as your missions were set far away from each other and at the most inopportune times. You barely had anytime to look in his eyes let alone talk of creating the world together like gods. But if they thought that mere curses would separate the two of you, they were fooling themselves. No amount of time, nothing the other could do, would ever stop the tyrannical love you held for each other, nothing would be allowed to get in the way.

Every night the other came home, they would hold the other’s cheeks in their hands softly, letting their love’s head surrender to gravity. You wouldn’t need to say a word, and neither would he, just quietly in your world for another moment before the other would inevitably have to leave. You would figure it out, the two of you always did, you would eventually get the world you talked about in the company of the stars like you had since you were teenagers.

When you got the call of your next mission you frowned. It seemed off, a special grade that had been spotted in Osaka, nothing you hadn’t dealt with before, but the slight stutter of the caller rang alarm bells in your head. As you packed for your mission Satoru stared at you from the other side of the living room, reading you.

“How bad?” he asked, his blue eyes caressing your face gently, a book on his chest he had long abandoned to just watch you.

“Just a special grade but…” you started.

“It feels wrong?”

You nodded. Asking him to come with you was out of the question for multiple reasons, both of you worked better alone, leaving no risk of the other getting harmed by a technique, Satoru had a lot on his plate already, caring for students and attempting to research and protect his students from the special grades that had begun popping up. And well, you were capable, this was something you knew how to do and had done for years. But still, at the back of your mind, it was screaming at you to run, to take the man in front of you and just run.

But you didn’t.

Instead, the two of you swayed in your kitchen together to silent music, his arms holding you tightly, afraid you would be stolen from him. You held your ear to him, his heartbeat calming down your neurons that were lighting fires in your brain. You stayed there for a little eternity, intoxicated with the other’s touches and love, but soon you picked your bag up from the kitchen counter, and gave him a soft and slow kiss. His eyes looking down at you half-lidded, drunk on the person in front of him, euphoric he got to be called yours. He watched as you left, your eyes catching his through the closing gap, giving him that knowing look and smile you always had.

It was worse that had been described in the report, far worse. The paper was practically a list of lies. You wished you could call for back up, to call for Satoru, but there was literally no time. The moment you arrived the scene was already in chaos, people getting eaten and dismembered like playthings by not one, but three special grades.

People weren’t listening to your directions, practically running into the mouths of the curses, several lower grade ones had come as well, as if called, making everything so much harder. You were in the middle of the war zone, trying to kill lower grades that were seconds away from killing a civilian, getting people out of there and to run, and fighting the special grades that didn’t give you a moment to breathe. Adults' limbs were torn off of them as they screamed to be helped, kids' heads exploded as you held them under your arms. The special grades just laughed.

They had cut you down more times than you could count on the fingers you had left, you couldn’t differentiate the blood pouring down your body from the ones who had died around you. You had managed to kill two of the three special grades, but the other evaded everything with a wide grin, directing the other curses like an orchestra. A symphony of shattering bones and blood curdling screams filled your ears everywhere, inescapable.

A child, one that couldn’t have been older than four, ran to you, stumbling over their feet as they sobbed. The special grade geared up, charging their attack. You took a deep breath and calmly looked at the world in front of you for a moment, time slowing down. Your mouth twitched up at the ludicrousness of it all and looked to the sky you had spent a lifetime staring at.

Sorry Satoru, looks like I won’t be coming home.

You grabbed the child, and curled around it, protecting it as best as you could, and waited for impact.

There was no other answer to draw from your mission than the fact that the higher ups had sent you on a suicide mission, they knew you worked alone, they knew that there was a limit to even how much you could handle. Because after you all, you weren’t the strongest. You were the disposable one. They had sent you, but not just so you would be the one to crumble.

No. That’s all Gojo Satoru could think as he raced through the corridors, he didn’t want to believe it, he refused to believe it. There was no such timeline where you could be separated from him, it was simply not allowed. A reality that was forbidden from coming to fruition. He slammed open the doors to Shoko’s lab, teary eyes glanced up at him before looking to the ground. They surrounded a table in the middle of the floor, barring him from seeing. He just stared with wide eyes, looking insane, not a single thought that they would be able to read. But you would know, you would only have to take one look at him and you would know what he was thinking, because you would sit up and look him in the eyes with the smile that he had carved into his soul. You would, you had to.

The group parted slowly, giving him access to the metal table.

There you were, lying down in what had to be a deep slumber, eyes closed, looking as beautiful as you always did and would continue to be. You had to, you had to. He took a step closer, his hands trembling at his sides, he reached forward, touching your cold cheek, his shaking sending little waves across your skin.

Shoko stood next to him with red eyes. She reached up to touch his shoulder, but her hand froze, stopped by Infinity. Her eyes widened. He took no notice of her, not acknowledging her for even a second. Her hand curled into a fist and dropped, looking away with a wobbly breath.

He cupped his hand underneath your head, lifting you to his chest. It was a mystery of how he managed to keep you steady. Ever so slowly he picked up your whole body, walking out of the room. No one stopped him.

He refused to acknowledge what his six eyes were telling him. There was no way, no conceivable way, that you could have left him. You would never do that to him. You would never dare leave him all alone in this world, the world that hadn’t been theirs yet. There were so many things they had left to do. So many things they were meant to fix. So many more days left to love each other. So many more days where you were meant to look at him and just see him, just see Satoru. So, there was no way you left. You wouldn’t do that to him, right?

Gojo Satoru was a strong person, that’s what everyone thought. He was the strongest. But the sound that came out of him as he knelt in the dirt outside the building as his body wracked with sobs, cradling you to his chest desperately, haunted all the hearer’s waking and sleeping states. Their dreams stayed infected with it for weeks. He begged to the universe and to you, begging through screams. It was so loud. It was so excruciating. And it was so, so raw. It sounded like his vocal cords were being ripped apart, and they wouldn’t have been surprised if that came to be true.

Gojo Satoru was a strong person, that’s what everyone thought, but now they weren’t so sure.

.

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Jujutsu Kaisen Masterlist | Main Masterlist

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attack on titan characters - birth chart analysis 🌙

Here is my take on the big 6 of Levi, Eren, Armin and Mikasa of attack on titan/shingeki no kyojin! I kept their sun signs since we know the day and month of their birthday and since I think they’re absolutely perfect. If you want me to do my take on the others (like Jean, Historia, Erwin, Hanji, Connie, Sasha, Reiner, etc) please let me know! (spoiler warning!)

Levi Ackerman

sun in capricorn - levi mf ackerman is fuelled by three things and three things only: LOYALTY, a strong moral code and power. he is seen by most people as a heartless, unemotional bastard but is canonically the most emotional character - he shows love through very indirect ways and he’s the peak of capricorn in the sense that he represses his emotions – he smiled literally ONE time in four seasons, and didn’t once shed a tear. he’s very hard to read. has a lot of respect for his superiors and follows the orders of only those he’s loyal to. he’s driven by his moral codes in the sense that the protection of humanity is his prime motive for fighting titans. like a true capricorn, is the master of his field of work and cares the most about being a survey corp member. please protect this tragic baby. 

virgo rising - two words: CLEAN FREAK. this man has a strong need to be presentable at all times and hates getting blood on his hands for the single fact that he needs himself and his environment to be clean. his obsession with being clean is very much due to his childhood trauma and how he lived in in poor conditions in the underground. he has many quirks that correlate with this: the way he holds his cup, the carvat he uses bc of his mother, and the way he always cuts his own hair because that’s the way his mother used to do it.  intimidating and demands respect. DRY HUMOUR. 

moon in scorpio - i think he has many similarities with mikasa, especially in the moon and venus. introverted and hates people but will go to the ends of the earth to protect the ones he loves and respects. represses emotions and internalizes his hatred until he has a mental breakdown - which happens in the form of extreme violence. VERY sensitive and emotional even if he doesn’t show it. he’s very intuitive and often acts based on gut; he’s secretive and vindictive. very wise and great at giving advice. doesn’t let himself get manipulated and uses shitty situations to his advantage (like with the reeves company). trust is the most important thing to him.

mercury in aquarius - levi is extremely logical, and hates when others involve their feelings in the making of decisions. his decisions are always backed up by strong arguments and others often see him as cold and detached. i saw someone  mention something extremely interesting about aquarius mercury’s/people with their mercuries in the 11th house: despite not being very sociable, others are drawn to them for friendships – and often they’re the introverts who get “adopted” by extroverts. this is 100% levi’s case, hanji and erwin practically adopted him. being very vulgar with his words and having a distinctive sense of humour, he’s very humanitarian and is actually really talkative but only when he’s very comfortable around someone. blunt, always tells it like it is – like when he tells eren he can’t know what the right choice really is and he needs to choose it himself. teases and insults his friends as a form of affection.

mars in scorpio - levi’s a fighter, a survivor. he knows what it’s like to come from nothing and have to build himself up. very confrontational. reclaims his power by exerting intimidation and mastering violence. others fear doing as much as make a joke at his expense. understands other’s motivations and characters very easily. he’s very intuitive. very serious due to his need for having an intense and demanding presence, for being respected and valued. he’s the one who everyone sighs of relief when things go to shit and he appears because you know he’s the strongest and most dependable person.

venus in capricorn - good luck getting this motherfucker to open up. his trust is very hard to gain but is necessary for working with him – he places his full trust in his comrades and demands the same from them. very work-oriented and takes relationships very serious; it’s really telling that he cares little for romance because capricorn venuses are the ones to date to marry, and will only devote themselves to someone once they believe they’ve met the one. they either want a more powerful and mature partner or they exude that energy (levi is the latter). slightly parental – we see this in the way that levi is pretty much the dad figure. it’s called squad levi for a reason, after all. very responsible. takes care of loved ones and often uses tough love as a form of discipline.

Eren Jaeger - im not even kidding with this one, he has extreme aries energy

sun in aries - eren feels the need to be very independent and he hates whenever he has to depend on mikasa and others, wanting to be strong enough to reverse the roles. he’s very self-confident, bold and direct. very impulsive, he’s quick to anger but is also very quick to forget - especially seen with his arguments with jean, fighting him is basically a love language at this point. aries suns are very fast thinkers and their strong energy may come off as intimidating. they have great intentions but that often becomes muddled with their impulsivity and the fact that they don’t think ideas through. eren is unabashedly himself and fights relentlessly for what he wants. his aries energy also makes him extremely motivated! he believes in the impossible and will make it happen no matter what.

aries rising – aries risings are the trailblazers. they ooze intensity. eren has very much a baby face and, due to his impulsivity and childish charm, people tend to baby him a lot – in the sense that he’s this kid surrounded by adults who needs supervision at all times or he’ll get into deep shit. aries risings are also marked by their extreme need for action, they’re the ones to do now and apologize later instead of asking for permission to do something in the first place. he is guided by his passion and is a natural leader who inspires everyone to fight alongside him. aries risings have a lot of energy which they need to express in a physical way, making them be prone to be very athletic and lead very active lives. he’s also extremely competitive and is driven by the force of becoming stronger than mikasa, and often feels angry when he realizes how stronger than him other people can be. at the same time, this pressure to be better is put solely on himself. he’s a dumbass with a good-heart and pure intentions.

moon in sagittarius – all this motherfucker talks about is freedom and seeing the world past the walls. he craves adventure and is extremely optimistic. but even if a sagittarius moon needs their freedom, they are still absolutely ride-or-dies and once they’ve commited to something, NOTHING or NO ONE can stop their determination. these are also the people to try their best to always appear cheerful and full of determination to hide their sad façade – like when he was nearly vomiting when talking about the titans to the other recruits when they began the training in the military but still forced himself to say that the titans aren’t scary at all and that they aren’t a big deal; he naturally inspires others and fills them with courage. but the way they put on this strong and brave façade leads to a strong emotional turmoil, violent urges and a sudden hostility to others. they are filled with surpressed anger that can lead them through very destructive paths – and the happy-go-lucky child might just lose her hope. we see this in eren in the most heartbreaking way.

mercury in aries – LOUD!!! eren speaks what’s on his mind with NO hesitation whatsover. he’s very quick to defend his friends and points of view, and speaks openly about his passions and dreams. he’s very assertive and tenacious. short attention span and not afraid to give a different opinion from someone else’s. very passionate about what he argues about. very expressive and when an aries mercury disagrees with you, you’ll know it immediately by their facial expression. confident and thrives on inspiring others. remember him being mad when it was discovered the possibility of all titans being humans because now he didn’t know who the enemy is and he NEEDS to hate someone and blame them in order to keep going? ARIES MERCURY ENERGY!!

mars in aries - people look to mars in aries to lead them. they’re full of energy and dynamic, and very athletic - eren exceeds at hand-to-hand combat and, in the other subjects where he’s not so good, his determination makes him push forward and become better. VERY hot-headed and confrontational, which is both the source of all their problems and their strength - they are not afraid of going after what they want and are willing to go through any obstacle to do so, and they’re also not afraid of upsetting other people in order to do so. eren is courageous, loves to take initiative and is very enthusiastic - something that is very contageous. competitive and hates compromise, he likes getting his own way. aries mars are also very individualistic and can have a huge ego.

venus in pisces - i know this is going to confuse a lot of people - like, how does he have so much aries energy, how is he so intense yet has one of the softest venus placements? i deeply believe he’s a pisces venus, and here’s why. his friends are EVERYTHING to him. pisces venus’ love very deeply and are very dependent on their loved ones, and eren is extremely protective of his loved ones and is willing to do anything to protect them. pisces venus’ are very vengeful, too, something that people seem to brush off about them - they might not do anything when you mess with them but as soon as you mess with their friends it’s game over. i also get a lot of “there was no other way, the word had to be fixed” vibes from this placement? like, this placement gives me the energy of someone willing to commit awful crimes under the excuse of it being for the greater good, which is something he dramatically experiences as he grows older and witnesses the cruelty of the world.

Armin Arlert

sun in scorpio - armin very resourceful!! he easily adapts to the circunstances he’s in and works his way around it. very intelligent and with great memory. extremely manipulative, cunning and perceptive. scorpios are known for their capability to be great investigators due to their natural curiosity, and armin has this deep need to see the world outside of the walls and he studies all there is to know about it with great passion. determined to succeed. 

cancer rising - armin just wants to achieve his dream and it’s so soft. cancer risings are very receptive of other’s emotions and incredibly sensitive, but it’s difficult for them to open up to others. his appearance is very soft and delicate. loves to help others and has a naturally warm presence that makes others feel comfortable in his presence. give off a very grounded and stable energy, but this is often because they try to hide their most intense emotions and don’t know how to deal with them/don’t want to bother others by opening up about it. 

moon in pisces - one word: EMPATHY!!! very compassionate. tendency to become a martyr and be very self-sacrificial. VERY imaginative, he is the strategist, after all. can feel others emotions and read them very easily. avoids confrontation but feels a strong need to take the weight off of others’ shoulders and to solve all their problems. very loving and giving, in tune with his emotions and emotionally intelligent. on the other side, this caring side of him can make him see other people through rose-colored glasses, and he is prone to believing in the best in people and giving them the benefit of the doubt. but when they’ve proven their true nature to him, he’ll see them for what they are and will no longer defend them, even if still feeling remorse. notice how he’s always like “this had to be done, we had no other choice” to justify his actions.

mercury in scorpio - bro armin’s eyes are so intense. when he gets on his manipulative bullshit it’s IMPOSSIBLE to look away from his gaze. he practically communicates through the eyes. armin is very sharp and his innocent appearance has everyone still thinking of him as a sweet angel as if he isn’t a whole war criminal. he easily psychoanalizes others to know what they want and uses it to his advantage, like how he used berthold’s love for annie to manipulate him to let eren go after him and reiner kidnapped him. scorpio mercuries be knowing shit, they be knowing everyone’s secrets and others usually confide in them as if they’re their therapists. 

mars in pisces - mars in pisces makes a person avoid physical confrontation at all costs. notice how armin’s first response to everyone wanting to kill reiner and bertold/the marleyans was “please let’s just talk about this first”? he hates violence and deems it not worthy most times. he is very physically weak and aware of his limitations, unlike eren and levi, whose first instinct is to use violence in order to get what they want. no, armin has developed a much more subtle and effective way to get what he wants without using violence: emotional manipulation. he is the KING of appearing innocent and naïve and having people feel bad for him and want to baby him and protect him, and due to his extremely intuitive nature, he knows EXACTLY what to say to someone to get under their skin. he twists his words and emotions to get what he needs out of people and it’s both incredible and dangerous. also, very self-sacrifical and his goals are based on his emotions.

venus in cancer - he loves so much and it’s so beautiful and heartbreaking. he gives everything to the ones he loves and thrives off of being helpful and keeping everyone safe. reads a lot into the behaviour of the people he loves. very emotionally intelligent, wants stability and to maintain peace and may bend over backwords to achieve that. needs to feel understood and has a soft spot for troubled people, those who are more demanding and assertive (eren and mikasa), people he can take care of and who can take care of him in return. very affectionate and communicative. warm presence, you can pretty much feel the love radiating out of him. 

Mikasa Ackerman 

sun in aquarius - if you get past the emotional walls of an aquarius that has them appearing detached and distant because they’d rather use intelligence than seem emotional, you’ll be met with an incredibly soft, loving and caring person. an aquarius strength is their ability to be very unique, individualistic and humanitarian individuals - they truly march to the beat of their own drum. mikasa possesses a great deal of determination and isn’t afraid of being rebellious, especially when her loved ones are in danger. 

capricorn rising - people with capricorn rising had to learn to be very independent from a very young age. mikasa is very intimidating but she has a very doll-like beauty, common to many capricorn risings. these people have had to deal with a lot ever since childhood, but they are fighters and their determination has them being able to survive even unsurmountable odds stacked up against them. capricorn risings tend to be serious and disciplined, and with a melancholic aura to them – which mikasa perfectly embodies. but the fact that these people have cancer in their descendant makes them strongly emotionally attached to their loved ones.

aquarius moon - even under the most stressful and dangerous situations, mikasa always remains in control of her emotions. she thrives in those situations, it’s the adrenaline of the moment that has her being so good at controlling her emotions until it’s safe to be anything but racional again. aquarius moons are feel very misunderstood and tend to racionalize their emotions a lot. however, it’s only due to their fear of vulnerability that they build this emotional walls, because they experience very intense emotions. i always think about that survey corp member saying “what did you have to go through for you to be like this?” when she was perfectly stable in a life-or-death situation. 

mercury in capricorn - mikasa is incredibly action-oriented and she speaks in a structured but confident way. although she’s on the quieter side and is reserved, she’s able to inspire everyone when all hope seems lost, and she’s taken up eren’s words of “if we don’t fight, we can’t win” and uses it constantly in order to keep going. she’s very hard to read due to her usually expressionless face, giving her a mysterious aura. she’s very ambitious, persuasive and determined. 

mars in capricorn - when people say that mars in capricorn people are the scariest when they’re angry, they’re not wrong. they act so calm and collected until suddenly they’re fixing you with a death glare and you’re rethinking all your life choices up until this point. mikasa might be extremely rational and calm, but as soon as someone threatens the ones she loves, she’ll stop at nothing to eliminate the threat. it’s like she fears nothing but ever being unable not to save them. she’s very responsible and reliable, with a lot of physical strength and stamina. very PROTECTIVE, grounded and GIVING 

venus in virgo - this is one of the things that makes mikasa so similar to levi, the way they love. this bitch is LOYAL to her very core. she knows very well where her loyalties are - eren and armin - and is ready to kill all her close friends and superiors in order to protect them. she threatened to kill historia if she got in the way of getting eren back home safely, jumped levi on sight when he wanted to save erwin instead of armin, and got pissed at connie for doubting eren’s intentions after the whole marleyan ordeal. acts of service are very much her love language - she constantly picks up eren’s and armin’s stuff and carries it herself or orders them to rest while she works. it’s very hard to gain her trust and loyalty but once you do it’s forever, she’s very selective about the people she cares for. she’s possessive, too - giving historia the coldest death glare in the world when she saw her with eren. i’ve also noticed that venus in virgo are very difficult to declare their emotions!! they’ll just wait for the person to notice their indirect acts of affection. very attentive to the needs and details of loved ones.  

[mewtonian-physics]

Please use this to go in detail abt why you think Raiden is one of most decent and kindest of the mgs characters I need to hear from the foremost Raiden Expert(tm)

okay so first of all i'm going to print this ask and put it on my wall like a doctoral certificate, anon-certified Foremost Raiden Expert(tm) /joke but i am quite flattered by this description.

now to what you came for. i shall go into detail on this subject and i shall do it by going through his entire canon timeline. let's fucking go. reminder that this is going to get into in-depth descriptions of all the fucked up parts of raiden's storyline (of which there are many) so read with caution. if you want mood music then just put this video on loop and you're good to go

so obviously we don't know anything about what raiden was like when he was very very young before solidus got to him. presumably he was a sweet kid though. i mean he was probably like five or six when everything started going to hell. that's around the time that most kids learn to read. (although personally i hc him as getting an early start on that because the other likely option is too depressing. he's got enough going on already.) my point is i bet he was a good kid. of course then solidus happened, and we all know how that went. if anyone blames raiden for what happened at that point then they can fucking fight me, he was a scared little kid who was horribly abused, kept drugged, and probably full-on brainwashed into fighting a war that had nothing to do with him because otherwise he would die. that has absolutely no bearing on his personality except as a contrast which we will get into later. moving along to the next part of his life that we know.

so he repressed his memories of the war (with 'help' from the patriots) and tried (largely unsuccessfully) to live a normal life. we know even at that point that his view of himself was fucked up, and he was having nightmares constantly enough that he had at least vague memories, although he didn't understand them. (yet.) and yet he knows enough to hate his own past and want to keep it a secret, because even if he doesn't understand it, he knows it's awful. keep that in mind. once he was presumably deprogrammed from solidus's bullshit, he regretted and hated everything he did, and himself for doing it (even though it was not his fault in the slightest). despite everything, he becomes a very different person with a much more fully formed moral compass. rose describes him quite unflatteringly at this point in his life but let's be real. it's rose. can't take a word she says at face value unless it's backed up by someone who doesn't spend practically all of their screen time lying through their teeth. also does 'horribly cold' with a 'violent nature' and an 'empty heart' actually sound that much like raiden to you? because if it does then stay tuned, it won't by the end of this post (and if it still does then you weren't paying attention, go back and read it again)

so we reach mgs2. at this point raiden is probably around 26 years old and doesn't remember half of his life, which really does a number on your mental stability and sense of identity. keep in mind also that he did not get the opportunity to mentally and emotionally develop in the same way as the average individual, on account of, you know, being brainwashed into a remorseless killer. he had to relearn (or learn for the first time) a lot of concepts including things that most of us take as a given (the very idea of right and wrong, which certainly wouldn't have been a luxury afforded to him during the war.) some quick equations suggest that he was fourteen at the end of the war, so he's had twelve years to learn all this instead of twenty-six. (with that in mind, he's doing remarkably well.)

(note here please that i do not count optional things that the player can do towards characterization. cutscenes or it didn't happen. that's an exaggeration, but you get my point. i'm not about to claim raiden is some kind of weird sadist who enjoys killing seagulls and will cheerfully shoot snake while he's sleeping. that would be fucked up and also blatantly in contradiction of actual canon characterization.)

right off the bat he immediately displays concern for rose's wellbeing considering that she's an analyst being suddenly involved in an extremely intense field mission. actually, a lot of his interactions with her throughout the game are further evidence in his favor--he can't even bring himself to tell her that she can't cook! (maybe a bit too nice for his own good.)

he also has a memorable conversation with snake (in his disguise as pliskin) in which he displays horror at how 'pliskin' utterly brushes off the deaths of his 'friends'. he feels sadness at the loss of these men he's literally never interacted with, and is shocked that their supposed friend doesn't. this is pretty typical of him moving forward.

he even displays genuine concern for president johnson, including after what the bastard did to him. (definitely too nice for his own good.) i could get further into this scene but i don't want to talk about it. fuckin' hate it here.

next, emma. this one is a hallmark moment in terms of him being kind. it stands out. emma is terrified of water, and he needs to get her through flooded corridors in order to try and stop arsenal gear. he could be a complete asshole here and do something like knock her out and take her then, or get mad at her and tell her to get over it (which... i'm going to be real... sounds a lot more like something snake might do). but he doesn't. he's incredibly patient with her and helps calm her down and even comes up with a way to help minimize her fear so that she can get through it without even having to look at the water. he even listens to her talk about her childhood and attempts to empathize with her despite the fact that he can't even remember his own. it's a really sweet moment from him and it cannot be overlooked.

continuing on. he immediately forgives snake for turning on him (even though it could have gotten him killed) and tells olga that no one can blame her for doing horrible things while trying to protect her child. he seems truly upset at her later death. and he still worries about rose even after he finds out she's been lying to him and using him for the past two years. and he immediately volunteers to help snake and otacon again at the end of the game--if snake hadn't flat-out refused him, he might have stuck with them for quite a while.

all in all, mgs2 paints us a picture of a deeply troubled man who still shows genuine kindness and concern for the people around him, even those who hurt him, and in incredibly stressful situations on top of that. and it just keeps going!

now, we don't have a whole lot of info on what happened to him between mgs2 and mgs4 (and most of what we do have comes from rose, who, again, is the very definition of an unreliable source.) what we do know for certain, however, paints another very flattering picture.

i do fully believe that his mental health spiraled after mgs2. how could it not, after all the shit he went through? he had years of horrific trauma shoved in his face and then went through some more incredibly traumatic events on top of that. and then rose lies about having a miscarriage. for any excited future parent, but especially for someone who loves kids as much as raiden clearly does, this would have been yet another level of pure devastation. and yet in the middle of all this, what does he do? he goes to repay the woman who saved his life, takes on an incredibly dangerous mission going up against the people who used him like a pawn for years and dehumanized him to hell and back (one that snake had even said he'd handle himself) and rescues sunny. when his health starts to get worse, he leaves her with people he trusts.

and then he gets forcibly converted into a cyborg, an act which would play into his deepest fears about himself. it would have been completely understandable at this point if he'd just given up entirely; after all the horror he's been through, it's a miracle that he's even alive, much less fighting. but no. instead he turns the patriots' own actions against them and goes to protect snake.

it is important to consider that many of his actions during this game are also driven by his intense depression, ptsd, and self-hatred, along with the other plethora of mental health issues that come part and parcel with everything he's been through. but at the same time, it's impossible to deny that his actions show a genuine care for others. he doesn't have to. no one would blame him if he didn't. but he's still willing to sacrifice everything and suffer horrible pain in order to protect everyone. even when he's scared. even when it would certainly kill him in a horrific way.

also, i can't ignore the fact that he thinks of sunny and how much she cares about him on shadow moses island. he apologizes to her before cutting his own arm off. he's thinking about how upset she'd be to see him hurt. there are a thousand other things he could be thinking about, but he thinks about her, and feels guilty for doing something that will hurt her, too. (they are siblings, your honor.)

the ending of the game is another example of him being too nice for his own good because really after two games of being lied to and manipulated by rose no one would blame him for cutting her out of his life. but he doesn't. he forgives her, again. and let's not forget the love and care with which he treats his son even though they've never met before. (raiden dad of the year award. dad of the ever, actually.)

now for the most controversial part. revengeance.

this is about the point where a concerning number of people start characterizing raiden as this trigger-happy sadomasochistic lunatic who just wants to slaughter everything in his path. either that, or they're saying he has a split personality who is a trigger-happy sadomasochistic lunatic who just wants to slaughter everything in his path, which is even worse, because it's bullshit AND it's playing into harmful and completely inaccurate stereotypes. let's not do that. and also characterization-wise it's just plain wrong. (but my essay on the true nature of raiden's fragmented identity can wait for another day.)

but i counter this errant belief with the argument that in fact, revengeance is perhaps the biggest example as to why raiden is one of the most moral and kindhearted characters in the series.

from the beginning, we find out that he's taken a job with a pmc to provide for his family. not exactly his dream environment. he's trying to keep it as combat-free as possible ('one sword keeps another in the sheath') but obviously that doesn't work out so well for him.

(as a side note, the serial markings on his body in the prologue are the only ones that don't majorly piss me off. they have the numbers, but then they say 'protector'. and i know they aren't actually referring to him as a person, but... damn right he is. he's earned that label, 100%.)

people act like he totally snaps after n'mani is killed, but that's just not true. his mental health does start to spiral somewhat, but it mostly manifests in him mimicking society's dehumanization of both hostile cyborgs and himself. (he starts slipping back into treating himself as a weapon. never a good sign with him.) he's angry, but he's just as angry with himself as he is with desperado, and he isn't intentionally targeting them; it's pure coincidence that they're involved in abkhazia, and the same in guadalajara. (and by coincidence, i mean the plot sort of demands it.)

guadalajara is where things really start to go downhill, and for obvious reasons. (another side note, the fact that he had blade wolf reconstructed and freed from his restraints? seems pretty kind, don't you think? he definitely didn't need to, but he did anyway. he knows what it's like to want to be free.)

meeting george is where things get bad for him, and also where his sense of morality and care for others starts showing through. he immediately runs in to save george without checking the area at all, which results in combat with way tougher UGs than a couple of dwarf gekkos. when he talks to george afterwards, his demeanor completely changes--he starts using different speech patterns, his voice is softer, and he's genuinely concerned for george's wellbeing. he only gets intense again when he hears about the lab, after which he immediately heads for it as quickly as possible.

(the pure horror on his face when he sees the room with all the brains will live with me forever, i think.)

when he sees the kids in danger, he actually briefly panics. this isn't something we see from him very often at this point--he didn't even panic after getting completely mutilated during his fight with sam. and then when that scientist shows up with george, he's torn, up until george specifically says to kill the scientist and not worry about him. even then, raiden asks if he's absolutely sure before he makes a move.

we find out after the fact that he wasn't even thinking clearly during that scene; he was so furious that he couldn't think about anything except how much he wanted the scientist dead, according to him. except that isn't really true. he was clearly thinking about more than that, or he wouldn't have asked george if he was certain. and after killing the scientist, he immediately rushes to save george, and succeeds not only in doing so but in retrieving the other half of his body as well. despite painting himself as slipping back into his 'ripper' tendencies, he shows clear remorse for the outcome, even as george is absolutely delighted with it.

raiden then quits maverick so that they don't get dragged into his next actions, because this is where he starts actively breaking the law ('just because it's legal doesn't mean it's right'--moral compass as steady as ever!) and they don't need to be involved in it. even now he still hasn't 'snapped'. despite the denver police being horribly corrupt and working for desperado, he struggles with the idea of killing them after sam starts messing with his mind. they're literally trying to kill him, and he can barely bring himself to fight back. the amount of decency he shows to people who don't deserve it in the slightest is amazing. (it's also dead wrong and totally misguided, but i'm still impressed.)

and then we get to the part where i suppose you could say he 'snaps'. sam and monsoon push him to the breaking point (like idiots) and he gives up on himself. he slips back into the persona solidus created for him, and slaughters monsoon's lackeys along with the man himself.

this is the point where i want to bring back what i said earlier about contrast. as a child, he was trained to kill indiscriminately. no concern, no moral compass, just killing whoever he was told to kill. i've said it before, and i'll say it again--this is a villain origin story. after the amount of horror he's gone through in his life, his fight with monsoon is where you would expect him to really, truly snap and become the person solidus brainwashed him into being.

but he doesn't.

he takes great delight in killing monsoon, that's true. but despite the horror he feels at his own actions, he's completely wrong. he hasn't truly become the 'jack the ripper' that solidus created. on the surface, yes--but look deeper. look at the way he says 'no' right before it all happens. look at the way he specifically says 'i don't want this for anyone else' after the fight. look at how he still focuses on his original goal, he doesn't lose sight of it. he's not in this for the sake of killing. he's in this for the sake of protecting the weak, the innocent children that no one else will. throughout the entire game, he never loses sight of his ultimate goal: to protect the weak, and uphold the ideal of justice. all he does is accept that there is still a part of him that enjoys fighting and killing, and then channels that for good. he lets himself be furious at the monsters who are doing these awful things. he hasn't 'snapped' at all. he's just finally letting himself feel the things he's been repressing for so many years. he doesn't kill indiscriminately. he kills those who are preying on the weak.

despite the title, the game is less about revenge than you might think. it's about protection. ultimately, the things raiden does in this game are to prevent atrocities and save the people who can't save themselves. and if he gets a little enjoyment out of it, hey. that doesn't change the fact that he's still the undeniable hero of the story. he's still a decent, moral, kind person. he's just stopped extending that to monsters. and good for him, i say.

also, i have to bring up sunny while i'm talking about revengeance. i can't put into words how amazing the scene with her is, but the sheer amount of genuine affection between her and raiden is incredible.

and as a final note of evidence, remember her last available codec call? even in the midst of being beaten to hell and back, raiden shows compassion for so many people, and very specifically reassures her, trying to make her feel better and keep her from worrying about him. 'come on. let me see a smile.'

[itstheimpossibledream]

Only A Play

Part 5 

Word Count: 2213

Pairing: AU Henry x FemBlack!Reader

Warning:  Smut, Angst, Some fluff

Summary:  Can reader & Henry work out their differences or will they be better apart? Breakup sex? Idk it’s the finale let me know what you think!

“ and that’s when I packed my things and came to New York.” Henry finishes.

 You’d been looking down at your hands, trying not to get lost in his features while he spoke, knowing the tabloids would make a day out of it. Angling the photograph and captioning it something cheesy about ‘love being in the air’ or the fact that you’re ‘just in time for Valentine’s Day’. The dating speculations you could take but, the photographic evidence that made your mom ask questions was a different story entirely.Since the show had opened the two of you toured from interview to interview and then performed at night. The day usually culminating in a needy fuck at his apartment or in your dressing room if he couldn’t wait. You stayed at his place often and while it was still mostly in booty-call  territory, (despite the previous year of apartment crashing and drunk declarations of love) the dinners and breakfasts remained consistent. You answered the interviewer’s questions calmly but,nothing could have prepared you for the final follow up. He turns to Henry, “And so aside from your new relationship(he motions to you),have you made any other friends during your time in New York?” He only hesitated slightly,before answering. He smirks but,the curve of his lip is gone before you know it. “I have really enjoyed working with her, and I hope our artistic relationship will flourish long after this production has ended.” he smiles diplomatically while reaching for your hand.“As far as new friends I believe my doorman Jason and I have gotten pretty close.” he laughs. When he laughs, the whole world laughs with him and the audience is no exception.Eventually , the hours of embarrassment have passed and you’re being rushed back into a cab to Henry’s apartment. 

“So what was that?” you say as he closes the door, sliding into the car behind you. 

“What?” he asks blissfully unaware of your annoyance. 

“That whole continuing relationship thing?”you push.

“I said artistic relationship.” he corrected sternly.

 “ You gave them ammo.” you cut back quickly.

“And so what? Two people in a romantic play together are speculated to date?How awful.” He grumbles. 

“You don’t get to make a choice like that before talking to me about it.”

“It wasn’t a choice, it was the truth.” he quips back sternly.

“A truth that will put the tabloids on my ass.It’s been bad since we opened the show but, you and I both know this is only going to make it worse.” you mirrored his tone, clearly losing your cool at the idea of being followed to your apartment by cameras. 

“Well you can stay with me as long as you need.” He says, firmly setting his jaw.You roll your eyes towards the window, Watching the people who pass by. 

“So, this is what it was about? control ?”

“Please!” He scoffs “I don’t need the paparazzi holding your apartment hostage,to get you to stay at my place.You’re practically there every night anyway.” It comes out sounding like more of a complaint than he had meant for it to. Your blood boils with resentment of his comfortability.You can feel the heaviness in your eyes when the car pulls up to his ‘flat’. A term you had started using sarcastically but had slowly begun to stick. Even now, you despised that while being a convenient fuck , he had permeated your subconscious enough to make you even think to refer to it as a flat. 

“What’s on your mind?” he finally asked, breaking the silence that had been holding court in the elevator. He didn’t sound like he really wanted to know, infact he seemed like he was solely asking for courteous purposes and that was it. You turned your entire body to face him, you could feel that no matter how hard you were trying your face had begun to break. 

“You know, you were right. There’s no reason for me to be here.” your lips upturned in a smile as you saw the glassyness of your eyes reflected in his face. It was an odd pain , not one you could name but, one you knew without a doubt was real. You had shared something special, he knew that. But, anyone could see that the lack of compatibility outside of the bedroom left the relationship forever doomed.He rolled his tongue between his lips and you couldn’t help but think of how blissful the silence was between you two. Someone had to say it, and in true fashion Henry was not strong enough. 

“ What are you talking about?!” He followed behind you into the hallway as you fled the elevator, opening the door to the apartment.

“We aren’t compatible Henry. You don’t get me. My lifestyle, my friends,my choices; you think it’s all a fucking joke or something. Well, it’s not,It’s not a fucking joke.It’s my real life. I know we play and talk about how much money you make but when it comes down to it I’ve never seen you put a red cent to helping anyone else. But, you watch me tithe everything I earn to give back to the communities that raised me. If you wanted to be with me, like really wanted to be with me,you would have already invested yourself in the things I find important. Instead, what you do is stand on red carpet at a black, trans fundraising gala and steal the attention once again.”

“I thought you were mad about the interview, now you’re mad about the gala?!?”

“I’m mad about all of it!” you screamed directly into his beautifully manicured face. Not an eyelash out of place and yet he still couldn’t contend with the neatening of his moral compass. 

“I’m mad because you center yourself in any safe space for people of color I take you to.I’m mad because you don’t ask for my opinion or consent before doing anything, because you don’t care.Actually, I’m not even mad anymore.I just see it for what it is.”The tears had started to slowly flow now, and while your pride kept you from full on sobs,a total breakdown was on it’s way without a doubt. You removed your bag from your shoulder,sitting it in the chair by the door and headed to your bedroom. You had graduated from the guest bedroom, to mostly staying in Henry’s bed with him, a convenience thing really. 

“And what is it?” he asked , finally unable to continue being berated by you.

“A mistake.” you said calmly, what had to be mere minutes felt like passing hours, the two of you standing there, looking at eachother, seeing the relationship for what it was. 

He spoke first.

“I love you.” his baritone timbre you had become so accustomed to sounded far away, you questioned if you had even heard him clearly.

“I love you, does that not matter to you at all?”he sounded stern, almost scolding you for not immediately reciprocating his affection.

“It’s not real Hen.” you said between tears “Someone who loves me, wouldn’t need me to explain all the ways his privilege consistently harms me. I wouldn’t have to ask him to donate to causes I’m passionate about, causes I’ve devoted my whole life to getting fundraising for. Someone who loves me would not make party conversation about how their black girlfriend has to sleep with a bonnet on.” He was silent,now. He stepped towards you, closing the void of misunderstanding.

“I'm sorry that I ever made you feel as though you aren’t the most important thing in the world to me.” He kissed your forehead, and then on the top of your head. 

He whispered into your hair but, you could feel his voice reverberating  through your curls.

“Can we not fight tonight ?” You exhaled, relaxing the weight of your body into his. You didn’t have to fight anymore because you heard his answer loud and clear. He didn’t want to fight because he couldn’t.  He could not think of something important enough to cause him discomfort,couldn’t think of anything worth his unhappiness. He placed his hands on either side of your face, pulling you in for a kiss. You kissed him back slowly, making up your mind to give in to your emotions for one last time. A spark went through your body as you felt his hands trail their way over your curves. You tugged at the bottom of his t-shirt and he quickly obliged,pulling it over his head. He lightly pushes you towards the bed and when he rolls ontop of you it feels more like a safety net than a sexual maneuver. Even as he undresses you, slowly, kissing over your body. He touches you so gently,assigning value to every square inch of your skin.Before long he’s looking into your eyes as he thrusts into you, rutting his way  inside you of.Your breath hitches as you begin to synchronize your breathing with his, becoming one, breathing as one whole. He held the backs of your knees, pushing them up further into your chest.You cried out at the depth of the new angle and he smiled, moving a hand from the back of your knee to your neck, lightly applying pressure. You loved his hand around your throat, the way his veins looked, the muscles in his arm , all of it. And he knew that, he was pulling out all of his best moves tonight. 

“You’re so bloody beautiful right now.so tight for me.” He murmured close, into your ear. 

His dirty talk alone sent you over the edge but, the added view, from this angle of his body was everything a partner could want. He moaned as he pushed into you , the result of your walls tightening around him. Your spasms brought him over the edge,as he came into you.You latched your nails onto the skin of his back, clawing for safety in his embrace. 

“I love you. I love you.”he said in between kisses as he came down from the high of physical contact. “I love you too.” you returned the words, because they were true and in that moment, nothing could have been more honest.He rolled over onto his back and you snuggled up next to him.

“I do love you” he whispers into your hair. The room is dark,aside from a sliver of light where the moon shone through the blinds. He slowly runs a hand over your hair and down your back.

“Then why haven’t I met your parents yet?” you sighed,turning your head upwards to face him.

The loudest silence of the night fell over the room, that was what made it real to him. He couldn’t deny it anymore. Even he knew, he had never invited you to visit his family, or even out to dinner when they were visiting in the states. You didn’t know if it was that he was embarrassed , or that he just didn’t know how to tell them. You weren’t even upset anymore, as much as you were resigned to the fact that you had to begin putting yourself first, to choose your needs first. And whether you wanted to admit it or not, if you were honest with yourself you knew he wasn’t the one. His brows furrowed and you could tell he was running through every possible response. His hand smoothed it’s way over your hair again and while you had resigned to the fact that it was over you couldn’t help but allow a piece of your heart to break as you saw his eyes become glassy. 

Before long he was fast asleep above you. Henry would be leaving the show, for another movie gig in two weeks but, since the  first rehearsal you hadn’t spent a day without Henry, or Kal for that matter. Sun peeked through the shades as you redressed yourself in the dark , you couldn’t be sure if this was something you wanted, or simply something you knew you had to do. You looked back at that beautiful apartment one more time,and then finally closed the door behind you. You recall the first time you entered the building, that day you had been instructed to bond as you step into the elevator. Watching the city below through the glass,a flicker of light catches your attention, then another and you realize it’s snowing. It had been a full year since the first time you had actually spoken to him. The doorman held the door for you,as you sparked your lighter. Touching the flame to the end of your cig as you stroll down the street.

[awanderingdeal]

An unfair race

I finally finished this! This fic is kind of a follow on to Endless Nights. Note: That fic is rated M and contains some sexual content, but you do not need to read it for this to make sense. I wanted to combine Finn talking with Heather, and an aspect of the discussion after that fic, where we talked about athletes in particular using exercise as a coping mechanism, and how this can sometimes turn unhealthy.

Some content warnings for this one: over exercise (if you'd like to skip the explicit description of this, skip to after the first stars, although there are a couple of mentions throughout), food mentions, self-depreciation and mentions of coming out/being outed.

Rating: T

If you feel I missed any content warnings or need to change the rating, please drop me a message!

The characters in this fic are from the sweater weather universe and belong to @lumosinlove

Finn’s entire body ached as his feet pounded against the path once more. His form was sloppy now, shoulders too hunched over and his strides falling without any real control. He forced himself onwards, breaths coming in fast pants, the straining muscles of his quads screaming desperately for more oxygen. And yet, his brain still whirred, obnoxiously loud thoughts pushing their way back to the forefront each time Finn managed to grasp a few blissful quiet seconds. He’d lost count of the number of times he’d passed the statue of the girl and her ducks, the smile on her face that he normally found so comforting becoming more and more irritating with each meeting. As he came to the gates of the park, Finn contemplated going home, but even just the reduced speed had brought the taunting thoughts back with a vengeance. One more go.

***

"H, has her jacket on. Has everybody got their game faces ready, boys?" It had been at least 30 minutes since James had made the joke as they all tumbled from the locker room, yet the sound of bright laughter still rang in Finn's ears.

He watched as Heather tugged her suit jacket more tightly around her, their eyes meeting for the third time in short succession. Fuck. Finn pushed his tongue against his mouthguard, sinking his teeth into the hard plastic. Later, self-inflicted as the need would be, he would complain about the new one he’d have moulded, each guard always feeling slightly different. For now, the rhythmic clench of his jaw was soothing.

Finn forced a breath through his nose, trying not to react too visibly as Heather dipped her head once more to add another scribbled note to the small, black book she carried everywhere. He forced himself to look away, knowing his constant glances were giving away his unease. Whilst Heather didn’t come to every training session, not even most, it wasn’t that uncommon to see her hovering around the edges of the ice, and ordinarily, only the very newest of the team paid any attention to her beyond an initial greeting.

“Earth to O’Hara!”

Finn held up his hand in apology, shaking himself back to the training session. Kasey’s eyes bored into him. It wasn't his usual intense stare, but something more concerned and Finn waited for the inevitable question. After a long few seconds, Kasey's eyes dropped to the puck, passing it back to Finn to take another shot.

The numbers on the clock inched forwards, slow and heavy like the sweet sticky molasses Leo was so fond of. Still, when Coach finally dismissed them for the day, Finn found himself wanting to take another lap. If he could get his thighs to burn enough then his head would race a little less, and it wouldn’t be too suspicious; Finn’s record of being last on the ice was surpassed only by Sirius. Before Finn could really consider it, Leo was next to him, knocking their shoulders together.

“Hey,” Leo cocked his head slightly, hair ruffled from the mask he’d recently pulled off and his pale skin glistening with sweat. He looked as beautiful as ever. Illogical as it was, it somehow made the dull ache in Finn's chest worse. "Everything good?"

"Yeah," Finn tried for a smile. "Busy brain today, that's all." There was no point brushing the question off completely; Leo was scarily observant. He and Logan often joked that he had eyes in the back of his head. Finn had no doubt he had caught the many pucks he had missed over the last hour.

"That sucks," Leo said, scepticism leaking into his voice. "Is there anything I can do to help?" Finn followed his glance behind them to where Logan was tussling with Jackson, loud rumblings of French intertwined with their laughter. "Or Lo, perhaps?"

"I like it when he looks like that,” Finn sighed.

"Mmm, me too” Leo hummed, his features softening. “Don’t think I didn’t notice that change of subject though, Sir. You don’t have to talk to me about it, but please don’t bottle it all."

Finn slumped into his stall, smiling as Leo lifted his hand to press a kiss to the knuckles. “I’m dealing with it.”

“Baby,” Leo started, his next word morphing into a stunted exhalation of air. His eyes closed briefly, his shoulders squaring before he relaxed them. He opened his mouth again, the sentence uttered clearly not what he’d originally planned on saying. "I'm going to take my padding off and head to see Lars. I think Loops is sticking around so I can get a ride with him if you two want to go home?"

Finn thought back to the quiet look of concern on Logan's face after he'd got home from his run the previous evening, and to the creased lines of worry at the corners of Leo's eyes earlier. "I think I might go and see Heather," he shrugged.

"Thank God," Logan appeared, wrapping his arms around Finn's waist. "Your runs were getting ridiculous."

"You didn't say anything?" Finn turned in Logan's arms, to rest his chin on top of his head.

"We were going to give you one more day. Leo wanted to speak to you this evening, only I had faith.”

"Oh, fuck off," Leo laughed. "You were just avoiding the conversation."

“I’m offended that you would even suggest that,” Logan burrowed into Finn’s chest. The sweat soaked gear they wore didn’t smell great, but neither of them seemed to care.

Moody huffed as he veered around them, his arms filled with tape. “No canoodling in the locker room.”

***

“As lovely as this chat has been Finn, if you really did just come in to catch up then I’m going to have to ask you to leave. I’ve got a couple of sessions this afternoon, and a mound of paperwork to complete,” Heather shifted in the forest green bucket chair. They were new since Finn had last been in here, replacing an ugly leather thing that Heather had always complained was too stereotypical. She’d removed her jacket now that she was back in her heated office, the item hung on the back of the door where it rightfully belonged.

Finn, freshly showered and changed, sat cross legged in the chair opposite. He reached forward to grab more pretzel sticks from the bowl on the table between them, puckering his lips as his tongue protested another injection of salt. “You know there is something I could do with your opinion on.”

Despite the reaction being minute, Finn saw the tiny upwards quirk of Heather’s lips. “Go on,” she encouraged.

“It’s dumb,” Finn muttered, drumming his fingers against the arm of the chair.

“Thoughts don’t have moral value Finn, it’s what we do with that’s important.” Heather pulled a handful of tissues from a box on the table, holding them out. “Tap away, but please spare the upholstery.”

“Sorry,” Finn grimaced, cleaning his hands of the salty residue.

“No need to apologise, I’m just still a bit precious about the new furniture.” Heather smiled. “Why do you think your issue is dumb?”

“It’s -” Finn tugged at his sleeve. “I can just never be happy with what I’ve got can I? I spent 8 years saying that if Logan could just love me back then I’d never complain again. And now I’ve got Logan and Leo and I’m still not happy.”

“What’s making you unhappy?

Finn breathed in deeply, scrunching his eyes shut. He’d spent weeks stuffing the pain into the tiniest box he could in his brain, and now here Heather was asking him to just - talk about it?

“Finn, look at me?” Finn did as he was asked, lifting his head to find Heather’s kind eyes. “I’m going to reiterate something I’ve said before. You can say anything you want here. It doesn’t matter if it’s selfish or unkind or if you think it’s stupid. Unless I think you’re a danger to yourself or anybody else, then nobody is going to hear about it.”

Finn bit his lip, wiggling his toes beneath his legs. “I get jealous,” he rushed out. “I get jealous of Cap and Loops and Potts and Lily and all those other couples who just get to hug and kiss and tell the cameras how stupidly in love they are.” He paused, the panic of having told somebody matching the relief, but now the words had started tumbling out he couldn’t stop. “I get so angry about it. Sometimes, for the tiniest second, I hate them. All of them.” he whispered, barely able to admit it. “And then I just feel worse. Because I love them too and it’s not their fault. Cap and Loops didn’t even get a choice in the matter. How messed up is it to be jealous of somebody that got outed?”

“Emotions are complex. It is possible for you to have sympathy for Sirius and Remus, whilst still feeling jealous that they now can be more open about their relationship.”

'I don't like it," Finn huffed. The sentence had come out mimicking a toddler having a tantrum. Finn wanted to act like one too, to throw himself on the floor and scream.

“Have you spoken to Leo or Logan about it?”

“No,” Finn frowned. “It would just make them sad and I don’t want them to pressure them. I don’t want them to know I think such horrible things.”

“Okay,” Heather nodded. “Imagine one of them came to you and told you everything you’d just told me. What would you say to them?”

“Wait.” A distressed noise fell from Finn’s lips. “Do they talk to you about this too? Both of them make a comment here or there, but we talked about it not long ago and we agreed that we weren’t ready.”

“Finn, you know I can’t tell you about what I discuss with Leo or Logan.”

“It was worth a shot,” Finn shrugged.

“So, what would you say?”

“I’d say they are entitled to be jealous. I'd say it’s not fair we don’t get to do everything the others do just because the world is homophobic and close minded and can’t imagine the three of us could love each other exactly the same as every other more traditional couple. I’d say that I know they don’t hate Cap or Loops or Potts or Lily, they hate the situation and that’s completely understandable. It fucking sucks and they can be angry about it." Finn drew in a hulking breath, Heather's outline a little blurred through his wet eyes. Each word had sent an aching pain through his body, similar to when he ran, only now he felt like was chasing something cathartic rather than running away.

"Earlier you said what you had to tell me was dumb," Heather said. "Can you explain why you think that it's dumb for you to feel that way, horrible even, but if it were Leo or Logan their feelings are valid."

"Maybe it's not dumb," Finn looked down at his hands, tracing over the freckles there. "But that doesn't change the fact I don't like having those thoughts. Especially when I don't want to act on them. I’m okay with waiting to tell people about us, if we ever do. They're not ready. I'm not ready."

"That’s something we can work on. Helping you to reframe those thoughts, I mean.” Heather slipped her notebook from where it had been tucked beside her and made a note. Finn leaned his elbow on his leg, tucking his chin onto his fist, trying to make his attempts to see the page surreptitious. Capping her pen, she gave a small chuckle, “I’m just leaving myself a reminder of what we’ve discussed. You can always ask what I’m writing, I’m not trying to keep secrets from you.”

Finn sat back, the book no longer quite so interesting now that it wasn’t forbidden. “So? That’s it?”

Heather hummed. “For today. I think you’ve got a lot to think about already. I’ll schedule some more sessions with you over the next few days, okay? It’ll give me a chance to get some new pretzels.”

"Thanks," Finn laughed, then gestured at the empty bowl. "For the pretzels. And the talk."

“That’s what I’m here for,” Heather said. “I’m just going to ask one thing of you before I see you next. Please try to keep your evening runs to a reason-”

“Who snitched?”

“There was no snitching, as you call it. We’ve just known each other for a while now, Finn. And as an employee of the Lions whose job it is to make sure you’re at top playing ability, I don’t want you to injure yourself. As your psychologist, I want you to have healthy coping mechanisms and exercising to that extent is not healthy.”

“I know,” Finn unfolded his legs, stretching them out. They’d gone stiff after being sat on for so long, the sensation coming back with an uncomfortable tingle. “I’ll try to keep the runs in check, promise.” His gaze fell on the closed door, steeling himself to leave. He stood, sending Heather one last smile. It was safe in here, but his boys were out there.

“See you soon, Finn.”

Stepping out of the office, Finn closed his eyes, giving himself a second to compose himself. A rustle of movement to his left caught his attention, startling a little at the sight of Leo and Logan. They sat on the floor, Leo’s hand resting on Logan’s knee where they were hunched to his chest.

“Sorry,” Leo scrambled to his feet, his arm outstretched to let Logan pull himself upright too. “We didn’t want to wait too far away. In case, well, I don’t know, you needed us.”

Finn joined them, immediately finding Logan attached to his side, his familiar warmth exactly what he wanted right now. “I’m okay,” he assured. “I’m not sure I’m ready to talk about it with you guys just yet. I need a bit of time to process, but just you being here makes things better. I’m going to see Heather a bit more too.”

“Proud of you.” Leo flanked him on the other side, taking his hand. Finn didn’t get to be in the middle often, Logan usually claiming the spot, and he felt like he had a kind of shield. “We just want you to be happy. And safe.”

“Can we go home, please?”

“Ouais, home,” Logan agreed.

[heavenlyholland]

best friend’s brother | tom holland

a/n: happy valentine’s day! enjoy this fluffly-over protective tom fic! 

warnings: mentions of alcohol, all characters are of age and are legal to drink! please do not drink and drive, and consume alcohol responsibly !!

pairings: frat!tom x reader | word count: 3.6k

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

Tom had always been overprotective of you, and even now, after twenty-two years of knowing him, you never knew the real reason why. Whether it was him standing up for you when someone was bugging you, or when he helped you when you found yourself in a sticky situation, Tom somehow managed to always there, ready to help you. It was almost as if he had a natural instinct or alarm that went off in his head when you needed him most. But the real reason was unbeknownst to you. He never told you why, simply because you never had the guts to ask him.

Being best friend's with the twins ever since birth probably had some part to do with Tom looking out for you, as he treated you like one of his own younger siblings. He saw you as his little sister he never had because of his parents only having boys, so there was a very strong connection, but who was to blame? Even though you liked being protected and looked out for, a part of you didn't like the fact he was so overprotective, because of the effects it had on your social life. Everyone at school, knew not to mess with you or else they'd have to face Tom. Even now, being in your second year of university, every time you'd be at a party, you would get certain looks. But for the most part, while Tom was occupied at his frat house, you were able to be yourself without the worry of him coming around and killing the mood.

As much as you sometimes despised how defensive Tom got when anyone even mentioned your name, things just had to be the cliché love story. Of course you just had to fall for your best friend's older brother- but to make it even worse, there were two best friends, meaning double the trouble if you were to ever make any move towards Tom. Harry and Sam made it very clear that Tom was off limits, and vice versa. As you all got older, and reached your high school years, a tension began to build between Tom and you- and it was sexual. Every so often Tom would make a comment about you, relating it to sex. You blew it off at first, thinking he was joking, but now that you were both in university, and he still would say a few inappropriate remarks, you couldn't help but feel butterflies erupt in your stomach. Just the thought of being under or on top of him, made heat rise to your cheeks, flustered by the thought, but you knew it'd be wrong. There were so many things that could go wrong and could lead to a giant mess, ruining things both of you valued so much, but it was so tempted. As much as you wanted to, you held yourself back instead of impulsively making a decision you knew you would regret.

Tom had gained quite the reputation at the university, and at the frat house especially. He started getting into the habit of hosting parties every weekend, going out to clubs and bringing a new girl home every single night. You watched Tom go from a sweet, respectful man, to a fuckboy, player who lived off of sex. This was a big reason why you held back, you didn't just want to be one of his hookups, if you ever were to actually go through with it and hookup with Tom, you'd want to be more than just a girl he picks up and takes home, only to leave in the morning. Even with hooking up with girls, excessively drinking and going against his past morals, becoming a completely different person after university, Tom still managed to look out for you, no matter the situation.

***

You loved parties, absolutely loved them. Whether it was the smell of weed mixed with a bunch of different alcoholic drinks, or even the sounds of people dancing and fucking- whenever someone hosted a party, you were there.

Midterms were wrapped up yesterday and like after every exam week, the frat house hosted a huge party to celebrate. You knew everyone would be there, including the twins and Tom, so if a weirdo were to come up and try and drug you, you knew you'd have at least someone to call out for.

You were currently situated in your shared dorm with your roommates; Sophie and Madelyn, loosely curling the last pieces of your hair. You had picked out a nice floral blouse that cut down to the midst of your chest, revealing just the right amount of cleavage to make you look flawless. You paired the top with your favourite black jeans and gold Gucci belt that you had gotten from your parents for your birthday. After putting away the curling iron, you got up from where you were sitting and over to your bed where you had laid out the jewelry you wanted to wear for the night. That consisted of gold earrings, a gold watch and a gold heart necklace you were gifted from Tom for your eighteenth birthday. It was one of the most meaningful and beautiful gifts you had ever gotten and you wore it to every special occasion you attended. Putting on your accessories you then slipped into your gold heels, rustling your hair to give it the more lose, natural look. Grabbing your purse, phone and other necessities, you walked out of your room and into the living room where Sophie and Madelyn were situated on the coach, heads in their phones.

"You girls ready to go?" You ask, getting their attention and having them look over at you, away from their phones.

"Goddamn, girl!" Sophie exclaimed, "you look HOT!" She spoke, standing up and walking up to you, putting her hands on your shoulders and giving them a light shake. You laugh at her hyper, energetic self, shaking your head and feeling heat rise to your cheeks. "Seriously though, so many guys are going to be all up on you tonight, y/n."

"And let's hope it's Tom." Madelyn said from the side, standing up as well and pulling down her dark green, velvet dress.

"Maddie!" You scolded, raising your voice a bit, shocked by what she had just said. You roll your eyes and walk over into the small kitchen, opening the fridge and pulling out a can of your favourite cooler. Madelyn and Sophie followed behind, sitting on two of the barstools underneath the island counter.

"Oh c'mon, y/n. I really don't know why you haven't gotten a piece of him yet. He's all over you and vice versa." She said as you placed the cab down on the counter, opening it and taking a sip before turning around to wash your hands, just as a habit. "Constantly flirting, always protecting you, hell- you're wearing a necklace he bought for you, for your birthday. Shall I continue?" She reasoned. Sophie just watched our discussion from the side, staying quiet before interjecting.

"-Yeah, y/n I don't really see a problem. Even if you guys just hooked up, not even dating, it would be fine." Sophie shrugged.

"Mads, you know why I can't get a piece of him. It'd be weird because of how close we are- not to mention, Soph, you're literally dating one of the twins, who's protective over me. They're all protective of me- I've known them my entire life. It's just be weird." You explained while drying your hands with a towel. Sophie and Sam had been together since freshman year and they were attached by the hip. You couldn't deny you adored their relationship, it actually helped strengthen the bond between your friends and the Holland's.

"Mmm, not really, I mean what's the harm? I agree with Sophie, just hook up tonight, or I don't know- kiss or something. Just get some action." Madelyn said.

"Oh my god, yes! I definitely think you should y/n." Sophie agreed.

"Guys, I'm not talking about this. Nothing is gonna happen between us, and there's nothing you can do about it because that's the way it's been all along." You said, with a shake of your head and sipping your drink.

"That's bullshit, y/n! We pick up on things, y'know. We see the way you look at him and the way he's always there to protect you. How can you say there's nothing there and nothing is gonna happen?"

"I'm not having this conversation anymore," you strung out, in a little singing voice. "You guys coming or not, we have a party to get to." You spoke as you walked over to the front door with your belongings, pulling on your coat and standing, waiting for the girls to stand up and join you.

***

You arrived to the frat shortly after, walking up the sidewalk and into the large house, being welcomed already by the mixed smell of weed, alcohol and human sweat. The bass vibrated and shook the walls around you as you walked in towards the kitchen and you were surrounded by voices cheering, laughing and- moaning. The girls and you headed straight for the kitchen, wanting to get your drinks in the fridge to keep them cold, and then dropping off your coats. As you walked through the crowded room, occasionally apologizing when you bumped into someone, every so often, you finally reached the kitchen where the oh, so familiar faces were.

Harry, Sam and their best friend Ben we're all standing together at the island, handing out drinks to everyone who walked up, while making sure no one got too out of hand.

"Heyyy! There are my favourite girls in the world!" Harry cheered as he noticed us walking in. He moved around and walked up to you, pulling you into a tight hug. "How are you?" He asked as he pulled away and looked down at you.

"I'm good, I'm good. Glad exams are over, I need to let loose." You laugh. Harry smiled in response before greeting your roommates and as he did you went over to the fridge to put your drinks away. Leaving one out for right now, you take the drink and open it, walking back next to Harry and take a long sip. Sophia had already clung onto Sam and Madelyn occupied herself by talking with Ben.

"Oh! By the way, Tom's out in the backyard with Haz if you wanted to see him." Harry said, a bit more loud than you had intended him to be, getting everyone's attention.

"Ouuu, yeah! You can go cuddle up with him around the fire and flirt with him like you always do!" Ben pitched in. You gave him a certain look which he knew meant to shut up. Harry and Sam looked confused by Ben's remark, but you quickly turned it down by shaking your head.

"Like she always does what?" You heard from the archway that connected the hallway down to the backyard and kitchen. Everyone looked over in the direction of the voice, only to see Tom and Harrison, walking into the room. You watched Tom walk over in your direction, dressed in a white t-shirt that hugged his biceps perfectly, along with jeans and a snapback that he wore backwards on his head. Haz walked over to Harry, engaging into a conversation while Tom walked up to you, facing you who was leaning against the counter.

"Hey," he breathed out. His cheeks were rosy and his eyes were more relaxed as he smiled brightly at you. You giggled at his drunken state,

"You're drunk aren't you." You questioned like a mother, reaching up to run your hands through his hair, pushing back a few strands of his hair that had fallen forward onto his face. He leaned into your touch, smiling and closing his eyes.

"Nope, I'm perfectly fine, y/n. I don't know what you're talking about." He slurred, swaying side to side, not making eye contact with you.

"Mhm, sure." You shook your head in disapproval, "the party's good as always- I mean I just got here but it seems like everyones having a good time, hey?" You asked.

"Mmmyeah, 'ts really good. You should come outside with me, we're having a fire right now." He spoke, now looking at you. You couldn't help but smile at him and take in his drunken features, he looked just as good as himself when he was sober, maybe even better if that was possible. Your thoughts were dismissed by Tom reaching down to your hand and grabbing it, dragging you out to the backyard. You look behind you, seeing everyone else from your group coming along as well. You mentally sigh, knowing you were going to get teased every second of every minute with them. It was a bit chilly when you reached the backyard, but you knew it would be fine because of the fire.

There was patio furniture set up around the fire pit, along with camping chairs, a few coolers and a speaker system that was playing separate music from inside the house. Tom pulled you to the one being and dark brown wicker love seat, sitting down and bringing you with him. You got yourself situated, Tom sitting up against the one arm test, and you sitting next to him, smooshed right up against his side. To make it more comfortable, you brought your feet up into the cushion and Tom lifted his arm behind you, so it was wrapped around your shoulder and you were now laying on him. You wrapped your own arm around his torso, now collecting the heat that radiated off his body.

Everyone sat down on the other open seating area, Sophie and Madelyn looking at you with raised eyebrows, to which you dismissed by a scold. Harry, Ben and Haz were taking care of the fire, placing pieces of wood on it when needed. The conversation started picking up from where it left off and you listened to everyone talking, not really making an effort to be involved. You watched everyone get along, and as you did you couldn't help but start thinking about what Sophie and Madelyn had said earlier before you got to the party.

"That's bullshit, y/n! We pick up on things, y'know. We see the way you look at him and the way he's always there to protect you. How can you say there's nothing there and nothing is gonna happen?"

As you thought about what your friends had said and played all the memories of Tom and you, you started to question what could go wrong and if you were being a honest, a lot could.

You could ruin yours and Tom's relationship, that you had now if he didn't feel the same way. You could ruin a lifelong friendship with the twins, and it would just ruin everything you grew up with. And as tempting as it is, to just tell Tom how you feel, you knew you couldn't, for the sake of having him and the twins in your life. You shook your head and let out a breath. Tom noticed and looked down at you, rubbing his hand lightly on your side.

"You okay?" He asked.

"Mm? Oh, y-yeah. Just thinking about stuff." You mumbled into his side, nuzzling in closer to her more warm. Tom instinctively pulled you in closer.

"Okay, well.. if you need to talk about something I'm always here you know." He smiled down at you. You smiled back up at him, still looking into his gorgeous brown eyes.

"Mhm, I know."

"You're, uh- you look really good tonight, by the way." He smiled and you laughed, feeling heat rise in your cheeks again and you hide your face in embarrassment.

"That was random." You say through a bright smile, the alcohol now beginning to run through your system.

"I know, but- every time I see you I try to compliment you, cause 'ts my job." He mumbled, leaning his head down on top of yours.

"Not your job, but I appreciate it. Makes me happy." You say, leaning your head on his chest, grabbing his hand that was on your side and absentmindedly playing with his fingers, a habit you picked up from being with Tom so much.

"That's why I do it." Tom grinned, turning his head to place a soft kiss on your forehead. Moments like this were what you cherished most. Just being in an environment with him, he really was your safe haven and you felt safe whenever he was around, knowing he was always going to be there for you.

"They're so adorable, oh my god." Sophie groaned, making you look up and over at her. You roll your eyes and so does Tom, trying your best to ignore their remarks.

"Oh be quiet, Sophie. You already have my brother to gush over." Tom jokingly said back with a bit of bitterness on his tongue. Everyone laughed and you just smiled. Even though you were fine with the teasing and all, those same thoughts came back to you, and as much as you didn't want to think about them, they were the only thing on your mind. You sit up all of a sudden, slightly scaring Tom.

"M'gonna go get another drink." You said to Tom, not looking at him. He nodded in confirmation, his hand sliding down to the small of your back as you stood up. As you walk away, your friends notice but don't make much of it. Instead of actually going to get a drink, you walk to the washroom, opening the door, hoping no one was fucking in there, and luckily it wasn't occupied. You shut the door behind you, and lock it. Letting out a breath and leaning against the wall, looking at yourself in the mirror.

For some reason you felt like crying, but you knew you couldn't. Tom, out of everyone would tell. You take a few breaths trying to calm yourself down. You just stand there thinking of everything and everybody, but mostly Tom. You knew you had to tell him. Even if it ruined things, you couldn't go on seeing him hookup with other girls while you were there utterly in love with him. Breaking your thoughts, you hear a knock on the door, over the music playing in the main room.

You unlock it and open the door, expecting it to be anyone except who was actually there.

Tom.

"Oh, hey." You said quietly and giving a small, tight lipped smile.

"Y/n, are you okay? You've been here for a while- I just wanted to check in." He asked, sounding more sober and concerned.

"Uhm, yeah. Actually- can we go to the front? There's something I need to tell you." You exasperated.

"Okay... you sure you're alright?" He asked one last time.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Let's just go and sit, I wanna talk."

You both walked to the front to the front porch, walking over to the love seat that was placed there. You sit down with Tom to your right. He turns toward you, and your look over at him, nerves starting to course through your veins.

"So.." Tom started, wanting to know what was wrong. His vulnerability was showing and as much as you loved it, it made your heart ache. You couldn't go much longer knowing nothing was going to happen with your feelings.

"Okay- I'm just gonna get straight to the point." You said, rubbing your hands on your thighs and looking down in to your lap.

"Please." Was all Tom said.

"I don't know how else to say this but, we can't go on like this." You said, looking back up at Tom with tears brimming your eyes. An immediate response of shock covered Tom's face.

"Y/n... what do you mean by that?" He asked softly, tilting his head to the side.

"We- we can't go on like friends is all we are. The way you act around me, to me. The way you're always there to protect me, complimenting me? All of it. Tom it's breaking my heart that we're not acknowledging our obvious feelings. And I know it's on me too for not saying anything before, but I am now-" you began, ranting and looking at him with hurt in your eyes. "-I like you Tom. I like you a lot. I always have and I probably always will. And I get it if you don't feel the same, I just want to get it over wi-" you ranted, but before you knew it Tom had leaned forward and attached his lips to yours. You were taken back by his bold action and inhale sharply, but then melt into it, moving forward and wrapping your arm around his neck and moving your hand into his curls at the nape of his neck.

Tom brought his hand up to your cheek, cupping it with his hand and deepening the kiss by putting in more passion and enthusiasm. You pull away, breathless, holding the intense eye contact. You couldn't help but break out into a bright smile and laugh, Tom reciprocating your actions.

"I'm guessing you feel the same?" You whispered.

"Everyone already thinks we're dating so- why not make it true? Instead of having to deny it." He said. You cocked your head backwards in shock, surprised.

"I mean, why not? I'm just- I'm scared of losing you Tom. What if things don't work out and we end things? What if I lose my best friend?" You ask, worriedly.

"Don't think of it as losing me, it's more like evolving. You're not going to lose your best friend, you're just getting something extra." He reasoned which made you smile even more. You bring your hands up to his cheeks and pull him in for another passionate kiss. When you break apart he rests his forehead against yours.

"You don't know how long I've been waiting to do that."

[young-dumb-and-vaccinated]

Cult Girl: Doctorate (Hannibal x Female!Reader) pt. 4

Will

Cult girl attends her grandmother's funeral and is approached with a highly unorthodox last will and testament.

@wisesandwichshark

Trigger warnings: emotional manipulation and abuse, verbal abuse, death, slight emetophobia, body-shaming, ED mention, pregnancy and family planning

There was no use recounting anything from the leading up to the funeral. You spent that first night wine-drunk, munching on foie gras, watching Arrested Development and diagnosing each character to the best of your psychological abilities. You remembered cry-laughing at the same jokes you had memorized, and reminiscing on all the insane shit your own personal Lucille Bluth pulled on you. That was the highlight of the week. It was all downhill from there. 

Firstly, you were sick. That Sunday, you wrote it off as a hangover. Then, the hangover returned with a vengeance, just to add salt to the already open wound of having to pretend to mourn your abusive grandmother. At least the physical pain would give your acting an air of sincerity, you thought. 

Hannibal dressed in a solid black tux: it was almost uncanny to see him outside of any of his normal checkered suits. You selected a plain black dress and a strand of pearls.

The funeral was to be held at the same country club Anna’s wedding was held. Your grandmother was like a pharaoh, insisting that the empire she built know that even in death, she reigned supreme. The country club was her pyramid. 

Anna asked if you wanted to say a few words. As much as you wanted to get up and tell all her country club friends about the time she reported you as an abducted child at age twenty-two when you refused to leave your boyfriend and move back in with her, you knew that it wasn’t in good taste. You racked your brain for any story that could be considered remotely funeral-appropriate, but none came to mind. 

You spent the entire funeral trying not to roll your eyes too obviously at the stories of abuse her country club friends somehow remembered fondly. Your soul just left your body throughout the entire process and you were unsure if it would ever return. 

All things considered, it could have gone much worse. Then, it did. 

The beginning of the end was when your grandmother’s estate lawyer pulled you and Anna aside to conduct the reading of the will. He showed you to a side room, then excused himself before closing the door behind him. 

“Hello, [F/N].” Liam greeted, trying to cut through the awkward silence that came with first seeing each other after four straight years. “I’m very sorry about your gran. She was a great woman.” 

You gave him a smile that didn’t quite reach your eyes. “Thanks, Lee. I appreciate it.” 

“No she doesn’t.” Anna muttered. “And it’s Liam.” 

“I don’t mind ‘Lee’.” Liam contested. “My mum called me Lee. I actually quite like it.” 

Anna was in one of her ‘I’m so upset, please ask me why’ moods. She sat on one of the heavy armchairs with her legs crossed and eyes to the wall. You weren’t going to bite. 

Liam wasn’t so cautious. “Princess, what’s wrong?” 

“Nothing.” She pouted, not even dignifying her husband with a look. “I just think it’s interesting that I put the funeral together all by myself and someone couldn’t even be bothered to speak.” 

You shot Liam a look that said ‘way to go, jackass’. 

“Yeah,” You said, sitting down in an adjacent armchair. “That must suck.” 

Anna glared at you. “You really have nothing to say? Really?” 

You tensed up. “Let’s see, which charming anecdote would you have me tell? How about that time when she made you wear a fat suit for an hour after you complained about how the low-carb ice cream tasted like chemicals?” 

Liam looked in shock at his wife. “Did she really?” 

“Once.” Anna confessed, holding up one finger. 

You turned to Liam, as if you were sharing some hot gossip. “That was all it took to give her an eating disorder when she was thirteen.” 

Hannibal was just a fly on the wall. Anna noticed his lack of reaction. 

“And I bet Hannibal knows all about this, huh?” Anna said, throwing her hand in his direction. “Because he just needs to hear all of our private family business, right?” 

You stood up from your seat. “First of all, I take offense at the implication that my fiancée isn’t family.” 

An evil smile spread on Anna’s face. “But he wasn’t always your fiancé, was he, [F/N]?” 

“Holy shit, you cracked the code.” You said, flatly. “There was a point in time when Hannibal and I weren’t an item. Real shocker, that one.” 

“You know what I mean.” She sneered, then approached Hannibal. “Dr. Lecter, is it true that before you and [F/N] became romantically involved, you were her therapist?” 

Liam looked scandalized. Hannibal was just as put-together as always. 

“That is true.” He said, feeling no shame whatsoever. 

Anna turned back to you. “Now don’t you think that’s just a smidge unethical? For a therapist to date their much younger patient?” 

You narrowed your eyes. You carried yourself with the lightness of a woman who finally had the moral high ground. “So you want to talk about what’s ethical, huh? I suppose that means you’ve told Liam about pineapple.”

All the blood drained from her face. You crossed your arms and held your head up a little higher. 

“That’s what I thought.” You grinned. 

“Look, could we just pretend to be a normal, functioning family for ten minutes?” Anna pleaded, as if there were anyone other than herself to blame for provoking an argument.

“That’s on you two.” Liam, rightfully, pointed out. He gestured to himself and then to Hannibal. “Neither of us have said anything.” 

The estate lawyer must have gotten his juris doctorate alongside a master's in impeccable fucking timing, because that was when he decided to make his entrance.

"I'm sorry for the wait, everyone." He announced. "And I'm sorry for having to pull you aside in your hour of mourning. Usually the last will and testament is handled through email to the beneficiaries, but your grandmother was quite adamant it be approached this way."

"That definitely sounds like her." You said, exchanging glances with Hannibal. You'd talked about this for what felt like hours the week prior. She was going to pull some last-minute bullshit to humiliate you from beyond the grave. Give all the inheritance to Anna and leave a snide comment about you in a legal document. You knew it was coming. All you could hope was for it to be quick.

The lawyer pulled an envelope from his briefcase. "She specifically asked for her two living grandchildren and their significant others to be present."

"Did she say it like that?" Anna raised an eyebrow. "Or was it more like, 'Anna and her husband, and [F/N] and her therapist'?"

"Mrs. Young," Hannibal said, taking your hand. "Until you tell your husband about pineapple, you aren't allowed to judge us."

Anna glared at you. "What the hell? He knows, too?!"

"Yeah." You answered. "I tell him everything."

"Okay, who or what is pineapple?" Liam interjected. "And why do I get the feeling I'm the only one not in the know, here?"

"That's cause you are." You confirmed. "And you have your lovely wife to thank for that."

"Everyone!" The lawyer called out. Clearly, he'd seen his share of dysfunctional families. "Please, let me just read the will and you can continue arguing afterwards."

"Y'know what? Fair enough." You said, crossing your legs. "Let's rip off this band-aid, shall we?"

The lawyer opened the envelope and produced a single page. He cleared his throat.

"I, Beatrice [L/N], being of sound mind and body, do hereby bequeath all my worldly possessions-" He began reading the long first sentence. "Including but not limited to, a collective sum of $45 million, the family home and my shares of the country club, to the first of my granddaughters to give birth."

You expected nothing. You expected something. But you never could have expected this.

"Can you please read that last part again?" You asked, unsure if what you heard was the result of a stroke.

"The entire inheritance goes to the first one of you to have a baby." The lawyer clarified, trying to make it sound like a reasonable arrangement.

"That makes sense." Anna said, nodding.

You looked at her, dumbfounded. "How in the fuck on fire does that make sense to you?"

"Well, the money would be going to a good cause." She rationalized. "To raise the baby, right?"

You shook your head. "No, this is insane. Grandma has always had this weird obsession with bloodlines, and now she's trying to incentivize us to carry it out."

"What happens if neither of us can, y'know?" Anna asked.

The lawyer pushed his glasses up his nose. "If neither granddaughter is willing to produce a child, the entire inheritance will go to the Eagle Forum, so my ungrateful grandchildren can learn about family values."

"She hated the Eagle Forum!" Anna objected. "She wouldn't dare."

"She absolutely would." You pressed your fingers into your forehead. "That's upper-class white moderates for you. And she doesn't have to be around to see when they name a fucking wing after her."

"The Beatrice [L/N] center for denying women bodily autonomy." Hannibal said. "It's quite fitting."

"[F/N], we can't let that happen." Anna pleaded. "We can't let Eagle Forum get a penny of that money."

"Why the hell not?" You said. Though on principle, you agreed, you knew this was just another one of your grandmother's power grabs. At the end of the day, she chose to leave her money to the Eagle Forum. And it would be her name on that check, not yours.

"Oh my god, you actually hate babies more than you hate conservatives." Anna stood with her mouth agape.

"Don't put words in my mouth." You snapped. "I don't hate babies. I hate grandma for trying to threaten me into having one. I hate grandma for pinning us against each other and making sure it stays that way."

"What do you have against giving me a little niece or nephew, huh?" Anna folded her arms.

"I'm fucking done." You said, throwing up your hands. "This will be the last you ever see of me."

Of course, that's what you said the last time.

[bratkook]

queen of broken hearts. jjk (m) part one.

I’m the queen of broken hearts, break you in a thousand parts.

part two. part three.

pairing: jungkook x reader genre: smut, heavy angst word count: 3.2k warnings: one sided pining, jungkook is in lurv, oc is definitely not(also kind of a bitch), smut, penetrative sex, unprotected sex, slightly rough sex, finger sucking, creampie author’s note: this is based on a request from @koochiekoo​ for the milestone drabble yay! hope you like it bb ❣️

Jungkook doesn’t know why he allows himself to constantly wind up in this position. He knows it’s not good for him, leaves him feeling hollow each time his mind clears, leaves him wanting more of you in ways he knows aren’t possible.

Yet somehow his common sense and dignity leave without warning the minute you come to mind. His morality and self respect jump right off a cliff with no parachute in sight, succumbing to your every wish like a dumb little puppet for you to play with. There’s just something about the way you call him over, your saccharine lies wrapping him around your finger so beautifully he almost doesn’t hate it.

He knows you’ll never love him, not like he does at least, his heart’s open for you like a treasure chest, ready and willing for your taking but nothing inside was of value to you. It didn’t matter if he dipped his heart in gold and covered it in pearls, you’d seal the chest back up, weld it shut with a kiss to stop the lid from opening up again.

It was always a kiss, a kiss that left him swallowing the words back down that he knows will tear him away from you. As much as it pains him to know he could never fully have you the way he wanted, being able to go on dates, telling his friends you were his instead of having to pretend as if you two never spoke, being able to hold your hand in a tender act of love instead of the way he gripped them as he rocked into you. He’d rather have you like this than not at all.

He preferred to have you pouting underneath him because he had slowed his pace too much for your liking, your beautiful eyes giving him a roll that shows that your patience was slowly slipping. That was the only face of irritation he could handle from you, he could only picture the way your face would screw up in displeasure if he let the words of confession come tumbling off his tongue the way he wanted to.

No, he didn’t want that. He could settle with this.

“Jungkook,” you sigh out, your hands pressing against his chest being the anchor to bring him back to the ground, pull him out of whatever day dream he was currently in, “fuck me faster.”

The words hold no bite to them despite your impatience, but he knows if he doesn’t listen they’ll only get meaner. He briefly wonders if he might have a kink for that, the teasingly degrading words that dig into his skin like the blunt edges of your nails are now, they make his cock pulse inside of you as he recalls them.

Jungkook needs help.

A groan of annoyance finally fills the air as you lift your upper body up, your hand pushing at his chest once more to get him off of you. For a brief moment he wonders if you’re gonna kick him out but the thought leaves him just as quickly as it comes when your hands grip his slim waist, flipping the two of you over until Jungkook is sprawled out on what he knows is your side of the bed. He can tell by the sweet smell of your shampoo that lingers on the pillow by his head, the floral fragrance invading his senses and only making his heart twist further in his chest.

“You going soft on me?” You joke as you straddle his waist, your soft hand gripping the base of his sticky cock and guiding it towards your entrance once more.

The curve of your lips as you smile at him pulls him further under whatever hex you must have on him. Your hair hangs over your left shoulder as you stare down at him, taunting him as you let the bulbous head of his cock nudge against your hole, the angelic mask you don not doing much to hide the devilish intent you always had.

“No.” He weakly responds, rutting his hips up towards you to get you to sink down on him, succeeding in letting the tip of him breach your entrance. The warmth of your walls sinking onto the first inch of his cock has him groaning, his hands scrambling up to clutch onto your sides, giving you another moment to make your decision before giving up and forcing you down the rest of his length.

A sudden shout of his name reaches his ears as your thighs smack against his, your neck now exposed as you throw your head back at the feeling of his cock filling you up once more.

This was why you always called him over, a bad habit you couldn’t shake, a guilty pleasure no one could know about. Jungkook’s cock stretched you out just right, nudging along the sweet patch inside of you with no effort needed. It made you lose your inhibitions, left you hungry for something only he could satiate.

“Good, I can’t have you going soft on me,” you practically purred on top of him, grinding down on him in an intoxicating motion that sent his mind into a frenzy, “you know I don’t like it soft.”

His eyes roll back into his skull as you lean back, your palm resting on his thick thigh to give you leverage while you begin to lift up and slam back down on him, a pace intent to make him lose his mind. 

“Let me fuck you then.” Jungkook whines out, the fingers digging into your sides helping you keep the momentum, the resounding smack of your skin connecting filling up your room in the dirtiest way.

“Mm, tried that already.” You mewl out when his hands slam you down even harder, the tip of his cock just shy of hitting your cervix, making a shudder rack through your body. He feels the way your walls flutter around him, a wicked smile spreading on his lips when he sees the way you try and fail to act unaffected.

“You got too distracted.” You continue with a slight tremble to your voice, your free hand trailing up your torso until you’re fondling your tits in front of him, twisting and pinching your nipples until you’re keening from your own ministrations.

Jungkook lets out a curse as he plants his feet on your mattress, the action jostling you forward until both your hands are planted firmly on his chest, a squeal of surprise slipping out of you. As much as you liked to act like you loved being in charge Jungkook knew you too well to leave it at that.

The way you all but sob as he pistons his hips up into you spells it out, you liked being manhandled, jerked around in his grasp and Jungkook revels in it, in knowing that for this brief moment you needed him.

“Oh fuck.” You cry out, collapsing on top of him as he ruts into you in a brutal pace, the raunchy squelching with each thrust of his hips only making another gush of wetness escape you, leaving his cock glistening in your arousal each time he pulls out.

Jungkook laughs now, a teasing edge to it as he watches the way you crumble above him, the bratty responses programmed in your head and filed underneath his name being wiped from your mind as he spears you open on his cock.

“Not distracted anymore huh?” He taunts, a choked moan dying in his throat when you tighten around him as his cock curves just right inside of you.

A fog falls over your mind, too heady with pleasure to understand his question until he’s flipping you back over once more, his cock staying nuzzled inside of you. A huff leaves you at the change of position, turning into whimper when he hooks his arms around your knees and pulls them forward, reaching deeper inside of you with each roll of his hips.

“I asked you something Y/N.” Jungkook pants, the tingling pleasure creeping up his spine at his approaching orgasm, his brows pinching on his forehead as he ebbs it away, intent on focusing on you first.

A sharp snap of his hips clears the fog, your head turning to the side as a gasp rips through your throat at the delicious way he pounds in to you, “J-jungkook, ah–“ you murmur, almost delirious with lust and he wishes he could capture this moment in his brain forever, the way you sound so needy for him only, “no nngh, not distracted, you fuck me so good.” You slur in a way he can just barely understand.

He knows though, with the way your back arches up, your hands twisting and pulling at your sheets as he continued the deliberate roll of his hips. Whenever Jungkook was around you he was more often than not buried to the hilt inside of you, knowing the telltale signs of your approaching orgasm well enough to know that you were teetering dangerously on the edge.

Your chest heaves as you feel the coil winding up inside of you, a desperate cry of more being thrown out and he can’t deny you. His pace never falters, bringing his hands towards your face and up against your lips, brushing along them until you open up just enough for them to slip inside.

He lets out a pleased groan when your tongue laps at his digits, your lips wrapped around his fingers and sucking as if it was his cock, swirling around them like your favorite candy that gets pulled away too soon. Whatever complaint you had at the loss dies when you feel those same drenched fingers snake down your torso and press against your aching clit, the tight roll of his fingers combined with the urgent thrust of his hips turning you into a blubbering mess.

“You called me for a reason babe,” he lets slip, his own words wounding him as he says them out loud, admitting to knowing that he was being used for your pleasure, “you gotta let me do what you called me for right?”

A pathetic whine is all you give him, one of your hands coming up to spread across his back, your nails digging into his skin in a slight burn that leaves him hissing.

“Right.” You keen, your own hips rolling up in time with his, desperate for the release that was blossoming inside of you.

He feels the way your walls get impossibly tight around him, your nails leaving half moons in your wake, littering his back with indents that only serve to send him rushing closer to his own release.

“Fuck, you gonna cum for me?” He asks gently, his fingers rolling over your clit in a way that nearly makes you shriek, “Gonna get my cock all nice and messy?”

“Ah, y-yes,” you cry out, a helpless gasp leaving you as a final thrust of his hips sends you flying over the edge. Bursts of light flash behind your lids in a way that resembles fireworks as you squeeze your eyes shut, your muscles tensing up as your climax rushes through you in waves, crashing against the shore of your mind and bringing you back to the present, leaving you laying limp and whimpering as you slowly come down.

Jungkook continues to fuck you through your orgasm, your pulsing walls fueling the fire inside of him as he rocks in to you with more desperation. His eyes are glued to the fucked out look on your face, your lips wet and shiny as you pout out and mewl underneath him, begging him to cum inside of you.

Fuck, how could you say things like that to him and expect him not to fall for you?

Jungkook takes it as an order, doubling over you and burying his face into the crook of your neck as he ruts into you, his hips finally losing the grace they always had, stuttering with need until he’s cumming with a guttural moan of your name.

Your hands rake through his hair as he fills you up, soft yanks against his scalp that only leave him grunting against your skin while he gives another handful of shallow thrusts into your dripping cunt, stilling his hips, his arms giving out on him.

As he lays on you in a heap, the both of you being exhausted from getting your fix, you give him a moment to recover. His soft breaths hit your skin, your sore legs stretching out after he released his hold on them but he was still buried inside of you, leaving you feeling sticky and a little uncomfortable.

“Kook.” You whine, your fingers jabbing at his sides a little too harshly to come across as playful. The sweat on your skin was becoming tacky and the added heat from his body only aided in making you more desperate for a shower, desperate to get him off of you.

“Hm?” He grunts out when your fingers dig lower on his sides, squirming on top of you as if he didn’t weigh a thing, like he wasn’t just a mass of muscle that was slowly cutting off your oxygen supply.

“Get off.” You groan, both your hands cupping his sides and trying your best to haul him off. He doesn’t relent this time, knowing he was toeing the line by the tone in your voice.

Jungkook pushes himself up and off of you, hiding the groan with a clear of his throat as he pulls his cock out of your sensitive core, not getting a chance to properly stare at the way his cum coats your folds because the second he’s off of you, you’re sitting up on your bed.

He rests on his haunches as you card your fingers through your hair, fixing the bumps and knots he had caused as you stand up. The curve of your ass draws him in, he wants to reach out and touch you but his hands stay glued by his side. All he can do is watch as you saunter through out your room like he wasn’t still there, sitting naked on your bed.

The initial sting of this had left him a while ago, having grown accustomed to the routine that followed. Hardly any words ever followed this. Jungkook can only pull his lips together as he steps off your bed, grabbing his discarded underwear and jeans off the floor as you make a beeline for your shower.

He takes his sweet time buttoning his jeans, hearing the soft mist of the water splashing against the tub, along with the song you played on your speaker. A smile sneaks its way onto his face when he hears your gentle singing echo through the open door.

Jungkook allows himself this much time, his eyes roaming your room, seeing the traces of you in forms of posters framed to the wall, the mess of stickers and books sprawled across your desk, photos of you smiling and laughing with friends. He finds himself wishing that he could take the place of one of those photos one day, a snapshot of the two of you smiling in the same way, out in the open world instead of being confined in the four walls of your room like a dirty secret.

It’s that same wish that keeps him rooted on your bed, the same confession begging to come out at his new childish want. Jungkook can only blame himself for this, you had never expressed desire for something more and even though you had an inkling that Jungkook’s feelings lingered a little too deeply, he was the one who remained. He was the one who came to your beck and call no matter what time it was, regardless of what he was doing. If he turned around and denied you he knew you wouldn’t fight him on it, but he wasn’t stupid enough to think that you wouldn’t turn around and find someone else to fill his shoes. Jungkook found solace in knowing that he was still the one you reached out to when you needed to get your fill.

As the shower squeaks off he starts to panic, scrambling forward to grab his shirt and slip it on. Just as his head pops through the top you exit the steamy room with a towel wrapped snuggly around you, a look of obvious confusion on your face when you spot Jungkook still in your room.

“Oh, you’re still here.” You quip, a curious smile on your face that he can’t pinpoint.

“Yeah, sorry, I got...distracted.” He cringes at his excuse, the confidence he had for a confession slipping through the cracks the longer you stare at him.

You laugh at his remark, holding back the teasing comment you want to say in order to not keep him here longer than necessary. You rest against the side of your dresser as you eye him when he finally stands up, he looks hesitant for the first time, like he has something he wants to spit out.

“Did you need something?” You question, your eyebrow cocking up when he steps towards you with his hands fidgeting by his sides.

“I, uh,” he chokes out, his mind scrambling the sentence he wants to blurt out. How hard was it to tell you how he felt, just ask you out for coffee, not even dinner because that seemed too formal, something that would scare you off.

“I kinda have somewhere I need to be at right now Kook.” You cut him off, the phone you held in your hand vibrating and lighting up just as you say that. His eyes find the screen, eyeing the contact name that said ‘Joonie’ with a handful of heart emojis tacked to the end of it. It vibrates a few more times, an influx of messages from him filling your phone and it doesn’t take much guessing for Jungkook to realize that wherever you needed to be was with whoever this guy was.

And just like that the confession dies in his throat once more, your soft lips pressing into his in the first kiss of the night, succeeding in welding the treasure chest shut in the way you always did. It doesn’t prevent him from shutting his eyes and enjoying the kiss, even when he knows its intent is to shut him up.

You pull away with a light smack, pressing your lips together at the dazed expression on his face as he blinks back to reality, “Okay, I’ll see you around then?” He finally finds his voice, digging himself deeper into this like he always did.

“Sure Kook, see you.” You wave at him, giving him a sincere smile as he fumbles on his way out of your room like a dork.

Once he closes your apartment door behind him he sags against the wood, desperately wanting to bang his head against it but the last thing he needed was to have you thinking his banging was this Joonie person knocking.

“Next time,” he breathes out to himself, “next time I’ll tell her.”

[staticscreenwriting]

Love like the movies // Bucky Barnes // 5

Five - Dirty Dancing

Masterlist

Summary: This is a story of boy meets girl. The boy, Bucky Barnes, finds himself thrown into a world that seems so different from everything he’s ever known. The girl, (Y/N) knows entirely too much about rom-coms and is quite particular about the way she eats her popcorn. Bucky meets (Y/N) a few months after returning to NYC. He knows almost immediately that becoming her friend is inevitable. This is a story of boy meets girl. This is a story about love. (Bucky Barnes x female!Reader // a few spoilers for TFATWS)

Bucky wakes up to music. It's playing from outside the room, echoing through the halls and filling the apartment with sound.

It reminds him of when he was a kid and his mom would make them all breakfast as the radio would softly play in the background. She'd always have a smile on her face and twirl around the kitchen and sometimes, when they were still little enough, she'd pick up him or one of his sisters and slowly sway along with them in her arms.

It's a hazy memory, he's barely able to grasp it, but it's there nonetheless and that makes all the difference.

Rays of sun flood the apartment, coloring it in hues of orange and gold. Bucky steps out of (Y/N)’s room and into the hallway from which he can see straight into the kitchen. (Y/N)’s standing by the stove, a frilly pink apron wrapped around her waist and spatula in hand. Her hips shake slightly to the beat of the song and her lips move along with the lyrics.

Bucky wonders if he’ll ever get that. This feeling of pure comfort in his own home. To find who he really is and allow himself to be that person, no inhibitions, no holding back. Just be himself and be confident in who that might be.

“ You can keep standing there like a creep or you can come over here and help me, grumpy”

At the sound of her voice, he jumps a little, too lost in could-bes and what-ifs to realize she’s long noticed him leaning against the doorway. Her hair is a mess and there’s still eyeliner and glitter from last night stuck to her skin. But Bucky thinks she’s never looked better. It’s an intimate moment, to watch her in all her imperfect ways, move around her own home, being the most comfortable and at ease she’s ever been. There’s something about the way she looks at him then, showered in golden sunlight, a bright smile on her face. Bucky knows what it is he feels, deep down inside of him, flickering up like a light in the dark. He knows what it is. It’s not a feeling you forget once you’ve felt it.

He’s not gonna say it though, not gonna admit it to himself or anyone. All that can come from it is misery and heartbreak and while his heart is of very little value to him, hers means everything. So he’ll ignore it, shove it to the deepest darkest corner of himself and try not to acknowledge it in hopes it’ll go away.

“ You’re cooking? “ he asks as he steps up next to her, eyebrows raised in uncertainty.

“I’m making pancakes, and don’t look at me like that!” (Y/N) replies, swatting him with a dish towel, “ I know my cookies weren’t the best and I am well aware that my coffee sucks. But if there’s one thing I can make, it’s pancakes. Trust me. “

He does trust her. It’s something that he only fully realizes at that moment. Such an insignificant little moment. He trusts her, which is terrifying but also liberating at the same time. Maybe his life is on the right path. Maybe things can get better. Step by tiny step.

“ Hey, I ate your cookies, didn’t I? “

She looks up at him, a small smile playing on her lips, eyes shining with — something he can’t quite place. Maybe, he thinks, maybe he doesn’t need to know what it means. It means something and that's all that counts in the grand scheme of things.

“Yeah, yeah you did.”

For a moment it’s just them and the music and the bliss of a morning spent with a friend.

“ Okay, hand me the batter please?” (Y/N) says and points towards a big blue bowl standing by on the counter to his right. As he hands it to her though, (Y/N) doesn’t immediately start pouring the batter, instead, she dips her finger into it and holds it out to Bucky.

“ Try it, tell me if it’s too sweet. “

He’s hesitant for a moment. You don’t just go around licking your friends’ fingers. Surely social cues haven’t changed that much. But when she moves her hand closer once again and adds a determined “taste it before it drips onto the floor”, he wraps his lips around her finger, tasting the sweet pancake batter. It’s not too sweet, not at all, it’s perfect. He can’t really voice that thought though, not when his mind is somewhere else entirely. Somewhere it really shouldn’t be.

At that moment Bucky feels something he hasn’t felt in forever — arousal.

“ Good? “ she questions him as she pours the batter into the pan, a sizzling sound filling the kitchen.

Buck nods, completely at a loss for words. This is entirely silly and inappropriate. You’re not supposed to feel those things for your friends. Wasn’t this exactly what they talked about in the Harry and Sally movie? Sex ruining friendships. He can’t and won’t let that happen. Not with (Y/N). Not when he’s just starting to trust her. He needs this friendship more than he cares to admit.

“Grumpy? “

“ Hmm? Oh uh — yeah it’s good. “

And it is good, too good to give up. Too good to jeopardize it for some fleeting sense of passion. Too good to ever let go.

It’s ridiculous of him to put any sensual notions to such a silly little gesture. These things can be friendly. Innocent. People probably do it all the time with no ulterior motives. Maybe he needs to go with the times, let go of antiquated morals. Yeah, surely that’s what he’s gotta do.

They’re sitting by the kitchen counter, (Y/N)’s plate licked clean while Bucky is struggling to finish his pile of pancakes.

“ Do you want the rest of mine? “

“ Did you not like them? “

“ No, I did! I ate an entire pile already. But I can see the way you’re lusting after them. Come on. Open up. “

He cuts off a piece, lathers it in the syrup pooling on his plate, and holds it out towards her. Nothing sexual about it, just two friends sharing food. Absolutely nothing sensual about the way her lips wrap around the fork, they’re still tinted red from last night. Absolutely no dirty thoughts as the syrup drips down her chin. Or when she uses her thumb to wipe it away then licks the sticky liquid off of her fingers. All innocent. All —

“ Have you ever seen 9 ½ weeks? “ she asks him, looking up at him through her thick lashes.

“ No. What’s it about? “

“ Um — “ she starts then laughs to herself as if she’s sharing a funny inside joke with herself “ nevermind. “

“ Noooo, you can’t just start something and then not give me an explanation” he declares as the two of them get up and put the dishes into the dishwasher.

“ You know, Grumpy. There are a few things you better figure out on your own, trust me.”

“ Now you’re just being mean. “

“ No, I’m not I — “ her eyes grow wide as the song changes again and a big bright smile overtakes her entire face. Messy hair, makeup smudged, a smile on her face. God, he wishes they could stay in this little bubble forever. Hurt doesn’t exist here. Only them. Only happy things.

“ I forgot Dirty Dancing.”

“ What? “

“ You don’t know Dirty Dancing. “

“ I know plenty of dancing, thank you very much.”

“ No, Bucky. It’s a movie. It’s one of the most famous romantic movies and I forgot about it. I made a list of all the movies I wanna watch with you but didn’t think of Dirty fucking dancing. Sorry for swearing.”

“ You made a list? “

“ Yes, Grumpy. I made a list because I take this very seriously and I intend to make you watch them all with me because — because it’s fun and I like spending time with you. “

People, Bucky thinks, often take the smallest things for granted. The smallest things that make the most impact. That you will remember forever and cherish with all your heart. Like this one. People also don’t tell each other enough how much their friendships actually mean to them. People should. It feels wonderful.

“ I like spending time with you too.”

She grants him another sunshine smile before grabbing his hands and dancing along to the song. It’s faster than their late-night sway on the balcony, way less coordinated and there’s more jumping on her part and more shaking of — pretty much every body part.

This is so her. Chaotic and a little messy but so unapologetic. So fun. So happy.

“ Because IIIIII've haaaaaad the time of myyyyyy lifeeeee. No I neeeeeever felt this way before. Yes I swear it's the truuuuuuuuth. And I ooooowe it all to youuuuuu.”

“ That’s a catchy song,” Bucky says as a smile finds a way onto his lips. Sometimes it feels nice to surround yourself with people who make you smile. It’s one of the little pleasures in life one should allow themself to indulge in.

Bucky wishes he could bottle up this moment and never let go of it. Keep it for himself forever. That’s the thing about losing your memories, it makes you realize how precious every moment is and it makes you want to hold on tightly to each and every one as they happen.

“Right? I can guarantee you’ll be humming this song all day.”

(Y/N) twirls herself under his arm, away from him, then back before her eyes fall onto his glove-covered hands.

“ You don’t have to wear them for me, you know that, right? “

Sometimes he doesn’t even remember he’S wearing them, it’s become such a regular thing to him now. They are a part of him like the arm itself. They’re a shield really. From looks and judgment. And maybe, if he’s being entirely true to himself, they’re also to keep his eyes from focusing too much on the shiny silver of his hand. Of the fact that he will never be whole again. That he will never be able to feel a loving touch there ever again.

“ I know. It’s not you I’m worried about. “

“ Is it you? “

Bucky scrunches his nose up in discomfort. Talking about feelings wasn’t really a thing back when he was younger, especially for men. Sure there had been late-night talks with Steve about god and the world. About their hopes and fears and about the future. But those were few and far between and really opening himself up was never one of Bucky’s strong points. Talking about your feelings makes you vulnerable and being vulnerable was the last thing Bucky was ever allowed to be back then.

But as he said before, maybe it’s time to give up on antiquated ways.

So he nods “ Yeah. It’s — I still have a complicated relationship with the arm. I know it’s part of me and I’m glad it was given to me but it’s a huge reminder of all that I’ve lost and of a version of me that I can never go back to. A man I can never be again.”

“ Bucky,” (Y/N) starts and takes his face in between her hands. It’s a touch so soft, he can’t remember ever being handled this gently. Like a baby bird. Like a piece of porcelain. Like a treasure too precious to break. “I will never be able to fully understand how you’re feeling and I know that some of those things you have to go through alone and do the work yourself. But let me tell you something. Whoever you used to be might be gone but there’s a long-ass future waiting and it lets you be whoever you want to be. Maybe it’s time to let go of the man you were and start being the man you are because that one’s pretty great. And your arm is as much a part of that greatness as your smile or your constant grumpy mood. It’s what makes you you and you are really cool, honestly. “

His heart beats faster and stops entirely all at the same time. When he was younger he used to relish in the compliments thrown his way. He gracefully accepted them all with a knowing smirk playing on his lips. Nowadays it’s hard to believe them. Hell, it was so hard to have faith in Steve’s words. To believe that he was really worth all the effort and trouble Steve and the others went through, for him of all people. It’s so hard believing you are worth something when all you can see are your wrongdoings and shortcomings.

He wants to believe her words though. If only for a moment. If only for right now, safe and sound in their little bubble as the sun filters through the windows and the tastes of syrup still lingers in his tongue.

A few days later...

“They’re screening Dirty Dancing at the cinema around the block from me! Starts at 8pm. Come meet me, I won’t take no for an answer! xx “

He reads the message and tries to remember the way he felt that morning a few days ago when they danced around her kitchen. When she told him he was worth something. When she made him believe he wasn’t the actual worst person walking this earth. A disgrace. A mistake. A killer.

But every time he tries to go back to the bubble, a different pair of eyes show up in his mind. Eyes filled with sadness, with unimaginable suffering, with grief. All of which he put there.

He ran into Yori last night on his way home. The old man looked more fail than usual, sadder, more tired. Bucky found out why a few minutes later when he asked Yori about the cake in his grocery bag. The one with the white and green frosting.

“ It would be my son’s birthday today. I know he’s not here anymore but he was crazy about these cakes ever since he was a kid. Felt like remembering him. Would you like to join me for a piece? “

Bucky made up some half-assed excuse why he couldn’t, rushed to his apartment, and had a full-on breakdown. The kind that you don’t realize is happening until you’re all the way in the center of the hurricane.

There are shards of glass on his floor from when he threw a bottle against the wall. It’s a shame when you can’t even drown your sorrows in alcohol. His cheeks, he’s sure, are stained with tears that he had kept inside for so long.

How could he ever spend another second with (Y/N) when this is the kind of person he is. Brainwashing or not. The blood of Yori’s son is on his hands. Yori’s pain is his doing. All this grief and this hurt. It’s his fault and his alone. And Yori is just one of so many.

(Y/N) deserves a friend that doesn’t have a body count. Someone who doesn’t know what it feels when someone loses their life at his hands. Someone who doesn’t go to sleep seeing the eyes of those he’s killed. Someone who isn’t him.

His phone rings and he expects it to be (Y/N). She’s one of those people that text you then immediately call you right after. She likes to talk. In-person or over the phone. He doesn’t know if he wants to answer. Doesn’t know what to say. Would it be easier to just tell her not to contact him again? To rip off the bandaid quickly and then deal with the pain afterward?

Before he can come up with an answer to any of those questions, his eyes register the name on the caller display.

“ What?” he grumbles and leans his head against the wall.

“ Well, aren't you a happy chappy today. “

“ Sam, now’s not a good time. “

Sam hesitates for a moment then his voice sounds out from the speakers again.

“ Hey, Bucky. Are you okay? “

For a second, Bucky thinks about saying yes. He wants to keep on pretending the way he did so many times before. Wants to deal with this all by himself and not have anyone else get caught in his mess.

But he can’t. He’s tearing at the seams. He’s barely holding himself together, cracking open more and more with each passing second. So he takes a deep breath and tells the truth.

“ No. No, I’m not. “

30 minutes. No actually 34 minutes. He’s 34 minutes late. In fact, he hasn’t even answered her god damn text. He’s read it. Hasn’t answered though. And while that’s not entirely unlike Bucky, it still annoys her. Especially since when she tried to call him, the line was busy. So surely he’s on his phone. Is it too much to ask for a little reply?

If he doesn’t want to come, that's no big deal, (Y/N) tells herself, but a quick text would be the bare minimum he could give her.

Pout on her face and mood soured, (Y/N) enters the cinema and slumps down onto one of the plush red velvet seats. Not even in the mood for popcorn anymore, thanks Bucky.

There are hardly any people in there with her. Probably because by now almost every person on this planet has seen Dirty Dancing before and the weather is actually quite nice out tonight so most would rather enjoy the last rays of sun before winter will fall upon them than be stuck in a dark stuffy cinema watching a decade-old movie.

Not her though.

And if Bucky thinks she’s gonna miss out on watching this classic masterpiece because he can’t be bothered to show up, well he’s gravely mistaken. And yeah, maybe she’s being a bit dramatic, there might be a perfectly valid explanation for his no-show. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

What happens if he actually goes on to date Leah? He’ll have less time for her that’s for sure. Movie dates won’t be happening then. Maybe it’s good she’s getting used to this now before she grows too close to him and breaks her own heart in the process of mending his.

She hates herself a little for those thoughts. Bucky deserves to be happy and if that means their friendship will be put on the backburner, then she should be okay with that, right? That’s what friends do, they want you happy no matter what it means for themself.

The Ronettes’ Be My Baby starts echoing through the room as the lights dim and (Y/N) sinks deeper into her seat, embracing the dark. The screen lights up with a black and white montage of people dancing and a swirly pink font spells out the actors' names. (Y/N) can’t wait to get lost in this picture-perfect version of real-life where things might seem bad but turn out right in the end. They always turn our right for these people. If only real life was this easy.

She’s so ready to just forget about all her troubles for the next 90 minutes.

And then a figure steps in front of the screen, nothing but a silhouette. A black shadow in front of the moving pictures. A shape she immediately recognizes.

“ Come on, dude. What the hell!” some guy in front of her yells out to Bucky, immediately following the words with a fistful of popcorn being thrown his way.

He’s here. He’s here and he’s obviously looking for her. She can’t make out his face but he’s shielding his eyes with his hands and letting his gaze wander over the crowd.

There’s a flutter in her stomach, one she knows oh too well. One she wants to bundle up and stuff to the very back of her being. A flutter that shouldn’t be there. That’s not what this is. Butterflies and goosebumps. This is eating spaghetti on the floor, dancing in the kitchen, and crying tears of laughter in IKEA. That’s what it is and what it should be. Right? But that doesn’t mean they can’t be affectionate. Right? That doesn’t mean they have to be cold and stoic and distant.

Right?

As (Y/N) reaches up her arms and waves, Bucky hurries down the platform and lets himself plop down in the seat next to her.

“ I’m sorry I was — “

“ It’s okay. You’re here now. “

That’s what matters. Being there. Just being there.

“ You deserve to have a friend, Bucky.” Sam said “ and she deserves to make her own decisions. If she decides you’re worth it, who are you to question that choice?”

Sam is right. Of course, he is. Despite how much Bucky hates to admit it, Sam is one of the smartest people he knows. Not in the way Tony or Bruce or Shuri are. Smart in a way that lets you know he gets you, he understands the chaos inside you, empathizes with it. He’s got this sense of incredible emotional awareness and a calm that exudes from him. Bucky will obviously never let him know this but talking to Sam feels more soothing and helpful than talking to his therapist.

He still doesn’t feel like he deserves her friendship, her affection, and her care. But really it would be foolish to think it’s his right to dictate who she can and can't care about.

Sitting beside her now, in the dark, with a movie playing on the big screen, makes things a bit easier. His thoughts aren’t so loud anymore and his heart, though still heavy, feels a little bit lighter. It’s easy to get lost in a story that’s not his and forget about the rest.

He almost forgets about his emotional turmoil by the time the two main characters dance around on a log, when he feels something against his left hand. First, it’s but a whisper of a touch, then more deliberate and then he feels the glove being slid off of his fingers. He doesn’t dare look over at her, eyes focused straight ahead. He doesn’t pull away though. There’s never been a touch quite so gentle against the cold vibranium metal. He doesn’t pull away, instead, he locks his fingers with hers and softly closes his fist.

If there’s moments worth holding onto, this is surely one of them.

“ I’m glad you came.” (Y/N) murmurs as she places her head against his shoulder. The one made of vibranium. The one that’s a part of him like his smile and his eyes and — his grumpy personality.

“ Yeah, me too.”

As Johnny and Baby give their all during the end of the season dance, Bucky can’t help but let himself relish in this moment.

There are two things on his mind.

One is the idea that maybe this is what friendship can be. Showing affection through soft touches and loving words. Maybe he doesn’t have to assign any deeper meaning to it. No matter how much it makes his heart beat faster or how the flutters in his stomach won't seem to settle down.

The other thing is the fact that this song is so damn catchy and while he hates himself a little for it, his feet tap along to the rhythm and he catches himself mouthing along to the lyrics.

And damn if it ain’t fitting because he has never felt this way before either.

Taglist // if you want to be added or taken off just message me :) //:

@zaynyierulez / @je-like-you / @dracoxxyoflam / @jackiehollanderr / @majo240820 / @kay-gilles / @booksb4looksstuff / @jckie94 / @charmed-asylum / @shawnie--jo / @yllwtaxi / @tailsoflightning / @giuliarogers / @mangoogirl / @gerim-1995 / @elen-alambil / @threeminutesoflife / @writeroutoftime / @buckybarn3s /