#this is why my serotonin levels have hit an all time low this month. this happened a few days ago and its just been sitting in the back of

[antennatoheaven]

my sister showed our grandparents my art account when i made a separate one my family can follow and now i'm considering burning it all down to the ground and moving my art instagram

[lunarsilkscreen]

TW: Anxiety and Depression

People in *situations* like to talk about "of course you're anxious" or "of course you're depressed". The system keeping you down, worried about tomorrow, discrimination, student loans you'll never pay off, worried about what your kid is going to eat tomorrow. Worried about the Hamas in the Gaza strip doing another 9/11. You know, the usual.

There's even an industry built around tackling those feelings caused by external factors. Life isn't a great feeling when you have no choice but to gamble. Or when it constantly feels like you're under attack for no reason but trying to get home.

It's why people look at these things like a disease of affluence. But I'm telling you; poor people experience these things too.

Those external factors, pundents constantly claim, once you have a steady income stream, shelter, one single album by Jimi Hendrix, and the feelings go away.

And then other pundents claim that after 72k$ income they come back because you've constantly got rich people problems.

Those are not Anxiety and Depression.

Scientific studies show that being in situations for extended periods of time (approx 6 months) can cause *those* symptoms to become *permanent* that, is one form of anxiety or depression.

I say them like this: "anxiety and depression" because "mental illness" sounds like you just got put in Arkham by Batman. Like it's this thing only supervillains have. Like they'd be fine if they just stopped stealing expensive art from rich people.

The baseline for Anxiety and Depression and other mental irregularities like PTSD, puts you into a permanent state of a doctor would say "arousal" but that sounds like you just took too many Viagra. A scientist might say "to excitation" but that sounds like the same thing.

Anxiety is a low grade fear, constantly in the background, even when you've got nothing going on, no bills. After being put into a situation, those background levels skyrocket, and you never can recover in order to really get out of that situation.

So you just kinda get stuck tuning it out, and trying to keep on.

Depression is this low grade sadness, like. Imagine somebody just laying into you everyday, but they're not funny about it, nobody is having fun, they're doing it to keep you down. And everybody else just says "well you deserve it."

Except, unlike Trump, there's nobody there doing that. But you feel like somebody is.

Personally, I can get through a lot when people aren't messing with me. But when they start playing around, it becomes difficult to do basic tasks. I'm talking about basic things like getting out of bed to go pee. On a day where you have nothing going on, no reason to not want to chill and play video games, or even just scroll on your phone while eating cereal.

Just, don't even want to do things on your relaxing day off to relax.

And that's why this ignorance of what anxiety and depression really is, is dangerous.

Like, "man, if you just ate a snickers, you won't have those shellshock flashbacks anymore."

Imagine, being so depressed that you don't even want to get high.

Now imagine being so anxious you can't take your pills that'll help you go-to work everyday. That's not a good example.

Imagine you have a job you enjoy, and are excited everyday to go-to work and get paid. But you had a situation that lasted 6-18months, like hospital bills, or legal issues. Or somebody stole your car or something.

And you realize; there's no reason to be happy anymore. So you just kind of give up. Because why do anything, even if you particularly enjoy it if that serotonin hit just isn't a thing anymore.

*oh my TikTok went viral. Guess it's time to never do tiktoks again*

It's hard to explain to people, because most people have their own issues like "ye. Life is SAD AND SCARY. AND WE ALL JUST DEAL WITH IT."

"Well I was also dealing with it, until this thing made it impossible to deal with it anymore."

It *sounds* like burnout too, because it's a similar thing. But you can recover from burnout with a long enough vacation. (If you can afford a vacation.)

"The hardest part about going to work, is going to work, and then after you get started it's fine."

Ok, now imagine after that, and your morning coffee, and you're just mentally checked out all day everyday. Sure you get work done, and the pay means you don't starve or end up homeless.

But you're never actually there. Not like *watching cat videos in the bathroom* not there, or *constantly imagining yourself at the bahamas, working on your vision board* not there.

Just. Not. There. The lights are on, but nobody is home.

Physically you're there, but you're like a robot that's had all its dreams about the future sucked out.

You can't dream you can't think, you can't get aroused or excited. (I mean, sure you jerk off at home, but that's not what I meant).

I'd say Sui* Ideation, but that isn't even on the table. It is when you take the advice of the gurus who say "just learn to get passed fear". Because that's what happens when you're in a constant state of depression and no longer fear the one thing keeping you on the planet.

And all it takes is six months, unless you're not a betac*, then it could be years. But you still end up in the same place.

[2996-sana]

Seeking Arrangement - Rosé

Part 1

The pitter patter of the rain served as background noise for Y/N and Lisa who was sat on their couch munching on some cucumbers, eyes glued to the Kdrama playing on the TV. Y/N let out a dramatic sigh as she watches Ko Moonyoung and Moon Gangtae lock lips for the first time. The sound was not lost on her best friend who shot her a grin.

“Are you going all soft again, Y/N?”

Y/N rolled her eyes at the teasing tone in Lisa’s voice. This was not new as she was always on the receiving end of Lisa’s jokes about her being such a hopeless romantic. Though Lisa found this amusing about her best friend, she thinks there is strength in Y/N’s ability to believe in love after the shit her ex-girlfriend Suzy put her through. Could you really blame her? Being in love was without a doubt one of the best feelings in the world in Y/N’s book. For her, it was an overwhelming yet warm feeling that stretches throughout your whole body once it enters your life and leaves you feeling like you’re on top of the world (but its all fun and games until your partner cheats on you).

Despite this though, she was not in a hurry to find love. In fact, after the tragedy that was her last relationship, she just wanted to lie low and have fun for a while.

“Shut up. You’re lucky you’re in a stable relationship,” Y/N scoffs.

Lisa and her girlfriend Jennie have been together for 2 years now (3 years next month) and Y/N envied the love shared between the two.

“Don’t worry, Y/N. No one can resist you for too long,” Lisa tries to reassure her best friend, wrapping an arm around her.

Y/N grimaced, “Eh…I don’t really want anything serious at the moment. Especially after Suzy.”

Lisa pretends to gag at the sound of Y/N’s ex-girlfriend’s name, “I agree. Have fun and take it easy. You should like…I don’t know…find a sugar daddy or something.” They both chuckle at Lisa’s words, knowing she would never even think about it.

•

It was hours later on her bed while typing out a reply to some guy she matched on Tinder that she realizes how hard it was to find a worthy candidate to waste her time on. These boys lacked substance and were coming at her with the same pick-up lines. She wonders if they all got them at the same Fuckboy Convention. It didn’t help that she rarely matched with girls either.

She groans at the reply that came through.

Wyd tho? U tryna fuck?

“The audacity of these boys,” she mutters under her breath, closing the app.

As she stares at her ceiling zoning out, she remembers Lisa’s words from hours ago. A sugar daddy. She laughs at her best friend’s ridiculous idea. She could never.

Unless? No. It’s stupid. She doesn’t wanna give out any sugar AT ALL.

But she was bored out of her mind. For the past 3 months, she has been cooped up in her bed wallowing in self-pity while listening to the very suspicious sounds coming out of Lisa’s room. There were also only so many pep-talks she could give herself until she grew tired of her own words. It was this that fueled her to sit up and turn on her laptop. After all, she considered boredom as an invitation for her to find something that would raise her serotonin levels. And what is the value of life without a little fun? She owed herself the first few months of her breakup to relax and take care of herself after all the mental damage, but now she needed a little play. She needed both the loud and quiet joys of life, peace with a little bit of wild mixed in. It was needed to feed her soul.

She also couldn’t lie that she craved some sort of human connection and validation. Yeah, she definitely was not proud of that last one.

Y/N stared at the keyboard, not believing what she was able to type into Google.

How to find a sugar daddy?

What she found out during her deep dive in the wondrous world of sugar daddies and babies was the number one site to find one was called Seeking Arrangement.  

So that is where she found herself, blinking at the statement written in bold.

100% Free to Join!

To hell with it, she thinks as she begins to fill out the application.

30 minutes later, she nods in approval as she scanned through the photos she chose. She would totally hit herself up if she was a sad middle-aged man desperate for companionship. As she hits submit, she was met with pictures of men – and surprisingly women, although there were considerably more men – complete with their basic information.

Looking for a woman to spoil.

Looking for love.

Looking for a loving companion.

Looking for a good time.

It was nothing she didn’t expect to find at a sugar baby site but it was the net worth of the men and women displayed on her screen that caught her eye. She was almost tempted to message one of them but couldn’t find it in herself to do so. She rolls her eyes at the thought.

She spent hours researching and signing up for a sugar baby website and she still finds herself being stubborn about making the first move.

Glancing at the clock, she realized that it was almost 4AM. She decides that she was going to wait for someone to message her first instead. Besides it gives off the vibe that she’s hard to get and that’s always a little bit sexy, right?

•

"Y/N! Wake up! I made banana pancakes.”

Slowly opening her eyes and stretching, her foot meets a hard surface. The cold metallic feeling on her foot was enough to remind her of her antics 7 hours ago. She hides her face on her hands, sighing. Why did she think that was a good idea?

Once she was out of her room, she was met with the sweet smell of banana pancakes and nutella. She dragged herself to where the smell was most present and found herself in the kitchen where both Lisa and Jennie sat on the counter. Jennie threw a gummy smile her way while her best friend simply nodded at her presence, busy stuffing herself with her girlfriend’s banana pancakes.

“Vas happenin’, love birds?” she greets them with a faux British accent.

“What kind of dollar store Zayn Malik am I hearing right now?” came Lisa’s reply to which Y/N’s response was to smear Nutella all over her best friend’s face.

“Yah, Y/N!” Lisa whines as she hits Y/N on the shoulder.

Y/N gasps as she prepares to retaliate.

“Children! Stop it.” Jennie scolds the two. She was used to the duo’s playful fighting but she also knew it could go on for hours if she doesn’t put a stop to it.

Both were quick to stop but stuck their tongues out at each other.

Y/N grabbed her plate to return to her room. She glanced at the couple making sure they were preoccupied enough not to notice what she was up to.

You have 11 unopened messages!

A loose grin formed on her face at the notification. Not bad. She hurriedly opened her inbox to find the different men who deemed her worthy to reach out to.

It was all pretty tame, it being the typical greeting. She sighed, already bored. It wasn’t until she reached the bottom of her inbox where a small gasp came out of her. She sat up and read the sender’s name.

Rosé Park. A woman.

She excitedly clicked on the woman’s profile.

It only took the woman’s profile picture for Y/N to realize that this Rosé Park was the type of woman she fantasized about. For starters, she was a brunette and the woman was a blonde. She was a sucker for blondes. Who could resist a good brunette and blonde wlw duo?

Santana and Brittany. Rose and Rosie. Clarke and Lexa. Piper and Alex. Need she say more?

Basically, Rosé Park was a dreamboat. Something radiated from her pictures that Y/N knew rendered her irresistible to both men and women. She could outshine any of these men on the site any day. It also only took her profile picture to realize that the woman was a big deal. Her outfit looked straight out of the pages of a fashion magazine. Why would gorgeous and rich 25-year old Rosé Park want to talk to a normal and boring 23-year old like her?

Y/N composed herself, fighting back a smile, before returning to her and Rosé’s chat.

Hi, gorgeous. I passed by your profile and knew I had to talk to you. Looking forward to your response x

Y/N’s blush seared through her cheeks and for a minute she thought her face was on fire. She suddenly felt awkward, demure, and coy; even going as far as attempting to hide her rosy features behind her slim fingers even if no one else was around to see her. She blames it on the fact that an insanely beautiful woman complimented her. So naturally, it took her at least 5 minutes of over-analyzing every possible response for her to actually send one.

Hi there :) You’re one to talk. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid my eyes on.

To her surprise, three little dots indicating Rosé was typing appeared beside the woman’s picture.

Haha, cute.

Hmm what brings you to this site, Y/N?

The woman’s question made her pause. She doesn’t even know the answer to that. Was she supposed to make some shit up?

Um I was bored.

She facepalms herself as she hit send. Really? Your brain cogs couldn't turn fast enough to come up with a more interesting response, Y/N?

Y/N thought she blew it as 45 minutes has passed and no response from the blonde bombshell came. She internally cursed herself for her boring response to the woman. Rosé probably thought she was an airhead.

•

It was 10PM after binge watching another Kdrama with Jennie and Lisa that she remembered being left on delivered by Rosé. Her mood quickly sours as she realizes she ruined her chance at getting to know the beautiful woman. Thinking to distract herself with the depressing fact, she goes to check if any of the men messaged her back. Sure, a man could never fill the void of a woman but she really needed to talk to another human being besides Lisa and Jennie.

Y/N was apparently in for a surprise because what awaited her was a message from the woman.

Well, I hope to provide some sort of entertainment for you ;)

I’m not one to beat around the bush Y/N. I think you’re stunning and a good lay in bed. That’s a really good source of entertainment for the both of us, no?

Jesus Christ. She was not expecting that.

Y/N knew what being a sugar baby entailed but she was still brought to a shock at how blunt Rosé was being and so early on into the conversation. The thought of being with Rosé like that, being able to feel her skin against hers, the godly sounds that it would elicit…

Her private thoughts made herself blush. It seems like if there was anything Rosé was good at it was making Y/N blush. But her unholy thoughts about the woman didn’t create a cute soft pink tint on her cheek like a healthy outdoors glow, it was beet red. Y/N figured that Rosé was probably highly practiced at the art of seduction. Rosé’s looks although a masterpiece sculpted by all the deities that exist… well, nothing so pretty could possibly harm you, right? But it was that combined with Rosé’s choice of words that had anyone she chose to even focus her attention on jumping through hoops to please her. So, she swallowed her pride and forced herself to play it cool, putting on a mask that she thought would appease the woman she really wanted to impress.

I like the way you think, Rosé. I like to think I make great company in bed too ;) Give me a time and place and I’ll be there.

•

That message was what lead Y/N to the 21st floor of Seoul Forest Trimage Towers, one of Seoul’s most luxurious and exclusive apartment complex, standing outside of Rosé’s penthouse two days later.

All the reasons not to go through with it and just leave came flooding in. Y/N can feel the soft panic growing inside her body as she wills herself to breathe in and out, not quite ready to ring the doorbell just yet. But before she could finish her fourth exhale, the door was opened to reveal the woman who has not left her mind ever since signing up for that damned site.

“I grew tired of watching you hyperventilate so I thought I’d do you a favor and open the door for you.”

Y/N almost choked on air as she looks at Rosé for the first time. The pictures on her profile did not do her justice at all. The woman could have graced every billboard or magazine in the city and she wouldn’t even question it.

Y/N did not say anything - did not know what to say. She was conscious of the smirking woman standing before her, dressed in a white dress that stopped just above her knees.

“Do you wanna come in, Y/N?” Rosé’s voice was dripping with amusement, eyebrows raised. Shyness wasn’t usually Y/N’s gig so what the hell was going on?

“Yeah, sure.”

Once she entered the threshold that Rosé called home, she immediately noticed how fancy and expensive everything was. She was immediately drawn to the large window overlooking the whole city. The glass was so clear that it looked like a high definition screen at the movie theatre.

Rosé quickly picked up on her fascination, grabbing hold of Y/N’s hand and leading her to the glass window. “Cool, huh? I picked this unit because of the view. The city below is so far away it's like another world. This penthouse is my cocoon and the window, well, the window shows me as much detail as I want to know.”

Y/N could only stare at their joined hands and then to the woman beside her, intoxicated by her words. “It’s beautiful, Rosé. I’d kill to wake up to this every way. You have great taste.”

“Yeah I do have great taste huh?” Rosé looked her up and down, biting her lip before chuckling. (Y/N swears she saw the gates of heaven open at the sound)  

•

A few hours later after a candle lit dinner prepared by Rosé herself and a bottle of wine, Y/N finds herself straddled in the living room couch being kissed roughly on the neck as pure pleasure runs through her entire body.

“Fuck,” she pants as she feels Rosé grind on her. Unable to control herself anymore, Y/N holds Rosé’s head in her hands and pulls her into a fiery and passionate kiss.

“Someone couldn’t wait,” Rosé smiled against their lips.

With a laugh, Y/N pushed Rosé down on the couch, switching their positions, not breaking the kiss. Y/N’s hands slowly work their way around her body, tugging on Rosé’s dress.

“Off.”

Rosé sat up slightly, allowing Y/N to pull down the zipper of her dress, feeling skilled fingers unhook her bra. Rosé tears it off herself before reattaching their lips. Immediately, Y/N’s hands found itself on Rosé’s breasts as she tugged on her nipples.

Rosé gasps against her lips causing Y/N to pull away, making her way down and sucking on the skin surrounding Rosé’s breasts before soothing it out with her tongue.

“I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I’m not complaining,” Rosé giggles but whimpers midway as she feels Y/N’s tongue latch onto her nipple.

“Probably the wine.”

Y/N couldn’t help but think that their bodies fit together as if they were made just for this, to fall into one another, to feel this natural rhythm.

Y/N’s hands drop to Rosé’s thighs, caressing her from above her panties. Rosé moans at the feeling of the soft silk rubbing against her as Y/N’s mouth still busied herself with her nipple.

“Oh my god.”

Rosé grips her hand tightly onto Y/N’s hair as she feels the wetness between her legs. “Take your clothes off. I wanna see you.”

Y/N stops devouring her nipple to pull her shirt off. Rosé drops her hands to the zipper of Y/N’s jeans pulling it down and slipping her own hand in.

“Good to know I’m not the only one dripping wet,” she teases.

Before she could begin her sweet torture on Y/N, she feels hands finally moving inside her panties and her mind went blank.

Fingers toyed with her nub making Rosé bite down on Y/N’s shoulder. Thumb continuing to rub Rosé’s nub, Y/N slipped two fingers in. Rosé moaned so loud that Y/N swears it was enough to get her off.

Pumping her fingers around Rosé, Y/N felt a smirk making its way on her face. She couldn’t believe she was on top of the godly woman seeing her face all scrunched up in ecstasy. She feels Rosé pulling her in for another heated kiss as she picks up her pace inside the woman. With every moan and whimper coming out of Rosé’s mouth, Y/N feels her own wetness.

“You’re so fucking hot,” Y/N mutters under her breath.

She could feel Rosé getting close as the woman’s grinding on her fingers became sloppier and her breaths became more uneven. Burying her face on Y/N’s shoulder, Rosé tries to stifle her moans as she finally comes undone.

Y/N slowly leaves feathery kisses up and down Rosé’s neck as she waits for her to come down from her high.

“Jesus Christ, Y/N.” she hears Rosé trying to catch her breath. “I honestly wasn’t expecting you to take charge tonight.”

“Maybe I’m just full of surprises,” Y/N grinned, pressing a kiss on Rosé’s temple.

Rosé slowly sat up as Y/N leaves her place on top of her. “I guess you are.”

They both sat in silence as they picked up their clothes scattered on the floor before putting them back on. Rosé was the first one to break the ice as she reaches for her purse on the wooden table. It was at that moment Y/N remembered why she was even there in the first place. Disappointment stabbed through her like a knife. Somehow during the duration of the night, she made herself forget that she was there because of an agreement made online. As if she was there spending the night with a new lover, both milking the feeling of a love that just arrived. The night started out like a sweet melody of a blackbird -- full of promise, freshness, and newness to come. Now it sat like a cold cup of coffee waiting to be drained away. All of a sudden, she felt dirty and used and all she had to blame was herself. Rosé’s words from a few hours ago during dinner echoed through her head.

I signed up because I have no time for relationships. I’m just too busy for that. It saves me the hassle of meeting new people and having to get to know them, y’know?

And truthfully, no, Y/N didn’t know. She remembers Lisa telling her she loves like a puppy - devoted, playful, and trusting. So, no, Y/N didn’t know. She just didn’t roll the way Rosé rolled.

“Here you go,” Rosé reached out with a wad of cash in her hand. “Go treat yourself. You deserve it.”

It was the way Rosé said it, so confident and smug, that Y/N knew that she was not Rosé’s first rodeo. The woman sounded like she does it so often that she just didn’t care anymore.

“How many girls receive this same amount of cash?” Y/N laughs quietly and she hopes it didn’t sound as bitter as she felt.

“A couple a week,” Rosé grins so nonchalantly it makes Y/N stomach churn. “Why?”

“Nothing,” Y/N awkwardly shifts in her place on the couch. “Um, you really don’t need to. I’m not looking for cash.”

Rosé actually looked shocked at the girl’s statement. “I’m a little bit lost here.”

“I signed up because I was bored and curious not because I’m low on money,” she laughs keeping an unamused tone. “I really didn’t expect to reach this far ahead. So, you can keep your money Rosé.”

Y/N got up and started walking towards the door. She was halfway there when she felt Rosé grab her wrist.

“Why do you sound angry? Don’t act as if you didn’t know why I invited you here, Y/N.” Rosé looked at her confused. “We met through Seeking Arrangements for god’s sake. I thought we had a good time.”

Rosé did have a good time. Aside from the mind-blowing sex, she was impressed by Y/N’s ability to be present during a conversation, always having her own two cents to offer, which lead to a lot of fun and meaningful discourse all throughout dinner. She had never met a woman through that website as enchanting and beautiful as Y/N. Y/N was a smart woman who was good at sex and Rosé liked that. A lot. So why is she being difficult?

Rosé saw different emotions flash through Y/N’s face before settling on a look of defeat. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I did have a good time.”

Y/N stepped closer to Rosé. “I loved being here with you and money was never on my mind tonight. Maybe that’s why I reacted that way. I’m sorry. I joined Seeking Arrangements for fun because honestly…I was lonely and bored and looking for some sort of human connection and that’s what you gave me tonight. I just got lucky that you reached out. That was all I needed I promise.”

She offers Rosé a genuine smile before turning to leave once more. “Have a good rest of your night, Rosé.”

Y/N hears footsteps behind her as Rosé opens the door for her, a smile planted on her face. “You’re something else, Y/N.”

Before the door closes, Rosé speaks once more. “It’s Rosie now by the way.”

The last thing she saw was the woman throwing her a wink before the door finally closed.

[danny-williams]

in sickness and in health

set immediately after s8.6, because i think Danny being worried about Steve’s health is literally the most married thing ever

1. change his diet

It doesn’t happen overnight. It doesn’t happen overnight because Danny knows that it can’t happen overnight - otherwise Steve will notice and all of his efforts into our sneaking the SuperSEAL will go to waste because he and Steve will fight, and Chloe made it very clear that he and Steve fighting was not good for Steve’s health.

Even if it significantly improved Danny’s mood everytime he got Steve riled up. His serotonin levels could take a hit for a bit (he’d just finagle more time with Charlie from Rachel).

It takes a lot of back and forth, and a promise to let Kamekona buy into their restaurant (currently un-named because he refused to have an italian joint named Steve’s) but Kamekona finally agrees to reduce the amount of butter he puts on his shrimp.

“But only for Steve’s plate bruddah,” he says, a frown on his face, “I’m not changing my recipe for anybody else. This is prime shrimp you’re messing with here - I hope you know that. This shrimp won me awards.”

Danny grimaces, “Technically, Chef Morimoto sabotaging your competition won you that award, but we’ll go with your version of things. As long as you keep this from Steve. I do not need him knowing that I’m messing with his food.”

“You got it bruddah.”

Everything else after that is slightly easier. Even with Junior home, Steve still comes over to Danny’s a lot - so Danny starts shopping smarter; buying low fat food and including more greens in his diet.

The jersey in him is crying, weeping for some good grease - the kind that slithers off the meat and onto your fingers, but he reminds himself it’s for a good cause. Besides, it’s not like he isn’t still eating good food - he’s just eating it less.

That’s not a terrible thing.

2. to do list 

He’s in his office, finishing up the last reports of the drug bust they made earlier that day - when there’s a sharp rap on his door. Danny looks up to see Steve standing on the other side, clutching a piece of paper in his hand.

He waves him in, and Steve slams the paper against his desk. “What are you, some sort of caveman? Did they not teach you how to politely put things down in the Army -”

“ - Navy - “

“Why do you gotta,” he gestures at the paper, “now my ink is all smudged.”

Steve ignores him, which is par for the course at this time, “What is this?”

Danny looks at the paper, and then back at Steve, “What do you mean, what is this? How should I know? You’re the one that brought it in.”

Steve points at the paper aggressively, “Look at it, and explain to me what it is.”

He smoothens out the paper, “It’s looks like a to-do list. Are you getting old babe? Do we need to take you to an eye specialist, maybe get you fitted for some glasses? Reading goggles?”

“Danny I don’t need -” Steve cuts himself off, and honestly, Danny is really enjoying how worked up Steve is about this whole thing, “I mean, what is it doing on my desk?”

Danny bites his lips, spreading his hands out wide, “I don’t know maybe you uhh, maybe you decided that you needed to make a list, make sure you know everything you had to do for today. Did you hit your head or something during our drug bust today? Maybe get a concussion - lose a couple of braincells?”

“I didn’t write this Danno,” Steve says in a frustrated tone, “Lou sure as hell didn’t write it, Tani’s too new to even think of pulling something like this - and we both know Jerry doesn’t have the balls for this kind of thing. That just leaves you. So I’m gonna ask you again, what is this doing on my desk?”

“Okay look, we’ve both been really busy with the restaurant right?”

“Steve’s.”

“No, not Steve’s because I’m still undecided on the name - but the point is, we’ve both been busy. So I thought you might you know, benefit from having a list of things that we had to do for it. So that you could plan your day better.”

Steve opens his mouth and shuts it again, furrowing his brows at Danny. 

“And that’s all this is? Making sure I keep up to date with the restaurant?”

“That’s all it is babe.”

“You’re up to something,” Steve grabs the paper, pointing a finger at Danny accusingly, “I don’t know what you’re up to - but you’re up to something.”

“Just making sure our restaurant doesn’t fail!” Danny calls after him, but waits until he’s out of sight to pull open his drawer and pull out the pile of unfinished to-do lists.

He’s going to have to be sneakier about them this time.

3. less bickering

Danny ponders over this one for a while, mainly because Steve expressly told him not to change. It would defeat the whole purpose of sneakily managing Steve’s stress if he notices, so Danny’s careful about it.

Mostly because after her day with Steve, Chloe pulled Danny aside and gave him enough of a scare to last him ten lifetimes.

“Look,” she’d said, “I don’t mean to tell you how to manage your relationship with your partner. From what I hear, you guys have been together for close to seven years, and I’m sure you worked out some sort of rhythm. But from what I can see Detective, you fight him on everything.”

“What do you mean I fight him on everything, I,I, I let him drive my car, I let him eat at my house, he even sleeps at my house on occasion - and what do I get for it? I get shot at and almost killed three times before lunch.”

“You guys don’t have an easy job, I agree. But I don’t imagine that for the Commander, someone who’s come from the Navy and is used to absolute obedience, that it’s easy when you question even his smallest actions.”

She had a point, which is Danny is now trying to figure out how to organically stop fighting with a man he literally punched just hours after they met.

“Okay here’s what’s going to happen,” Steve says, just as they pull up at the suspect’s house. They’re chasing the kidnapper of a twelve year old girl, so everybody’s a bit ramped up, especially Danny. He hates cases with kids. It makes it easier to take a backseat and give up control to Steve on this one.

“I’m going go through the front door,” he gestures with his hands, “Lou, Danny - I want you to get the back. Tani? I want you out here, in case our perp tries to make a run for it?”

Danny has to physically swallow back the words on the tip of his tongue, because asking Steve if they should wait for back-up would be questioning his actions - and Chloe said that was bad for his health.

Steve gives him a look, like he knows that’s something’s wrong - but before he can say anything there’s shot fired inside the house and everything goes to shit. 

Danny and Lou turn the corner as quick as possible, just in time to see someone run outside the back entrance and jump across the fence.

“Lou, get back to the truck, see if you can cut him off like that,” Steve jumps after him, panting into his ear-piece, “Danny?”

“Right behind you buddy,” he says, even as he aims and shoots at the two guys who wander out behind their perp, clearly looking for him, “our friend over here had company over.”

Thankfully, there doesn’t appear to be anyone else coming out of the house, and when Danny makes his way in - 12 year old Danielle Rodriguez is tied to the radiator, shivering despite the constant sweltering heat that is the fine island of Hawaii.

“Hey hey,” he swings his gun behind his back and lifts his hands up, “my name is Detective Danny Williams okay? I’m with Five-0. I’m one of the good guys. Now how about I get you out of this and back to your parents?”

Later, when they’re back at HQ and Danielle has been reunited with her teary-eyed parents - Lou mutters to Danny, “so how come you didn’t ask Steve to wait for back-up?”

“I’m trying something new.”

4. well bred social behaviour

“Danny!” The door swings open, even though Danny is fairly certain that he locked in, but he doesn’t reach for his gun, because there’s only one person on this entire island who walks into his house like they own it.

“In here!” he calls out, and sure enough, Steve walks in a couple seconds later with coffee and a brown bag.

“Are those malasadas?” he asks, reaching out for the coffee in one hand, looking up briefly from floor plans to ensure that there’s contact between his palm and the coffee cup, “Did you bring me malasadas?”

“No I bought myself malasadas, but since I’m generous I’ll give you one or two.”

“What’s this?” he asks over a mouthful of malasada, peering over his shoulder and Danny bats at him because he’s dripping sugar all over the plans, “Is this Steve’s?”

“For the last time, we’re not calling the restaurant Steve’s I don’t know how many times I have to go through this with you. But yes, to answer your question, these are the tentative plans that our interior decorator drew up for the restaurant.”

“Interior decorator?” his voice comes out all muffled, and Danny sends him a withering look, “You’re disgusting you know that? Can you finish chewing before you talk? Please? Is that too much to ask for?”

Steve swallows obnoxiously, and grins at Danny. He’s got cream on the edge of his mouth, and it should disgust Danny - instead he’s thinking about leaning up and licking it off.

“Thank you, for the coffee by the way,” he says instead, “I appreciate it. That was a nice thing to do.”

“You’re welcome,” Steve replies, and Danny can hear the surprise in his tone, but he resolutely ignores it - instead pulling Steve into a conversation about the booths.

5. sex

There’s probably a code of conduct somewhere, Danny muses, that involves something about not having your ex-girlfriend spy on your partner. Well, spying might be a bit extreme.

He and Melissa split months ago, because it was clear after two disasterdly Valentine’s Days, that it just wasn’t working between them. Her exact words were, and he quotes, “You’re never going to love me the way I love you. Not when Steve occupies all the real estate in your heart.”

She wasn’t wrong, was the thing, and after they’d gotten past the initial awkwardness that the fact that Danny was in love with someone that wasn’t her - they actually fell into a good friendship. 

It helped that Melissa didn’t know a lot of people in Oahu except Danny, and that their relationship had been a lot like a friendship in the first place. Except with more sex.

Like a lot more sex.

Honestly, given that Steve was the reason they broke up, Melissa was surprisingly gamely when Danny asked her to stay in touch with Lynn, and let him know how things were going with her and Steve.

(He thinks it’s pity, but he doesn’t actually ask because then she might actually answer)

“They broke up,” Melissa says with little fanfare, over their weekly coffee, “Lynn won’t tell me much. But they split about a week ago. Guess she got tired of waiting around for him too.”

It might also be the fact that Melissa is convinced that Steve is just as much in love with Danny as Danny is with him, nevermind the fact that Steve has never showed interest.

“What do you mean they broke up?”

“I mean they’re over. Ended things. Done.”

“Huh,” Danny says, over his coffee, trying to figure out the best way to convince Steve to let Danny take him out for a guy’s night to get over Lynn without revealing how he knows that Steve needs a guy’s night to get over Lynn.

In the end, he doesn’t even have to be all that sneaky about it, because Steve comes to him - asks him out for drinks; so all Danny really has to do is play the dutiful wingman.

“I’m sorry about you and Lynn,” he yells over the music, after the alcohol has sufficiently loosened his tongue, “you guys were good together.”

“It was never going to work out,” Steve yells back, and gives Danny a significant look, “bit like you and Melissa.”

“How do you - how do you know about that?”

“What you think that you and Melissa are the only ones who engage in pillow talk? Lynn talks too, on occasion. When we weren’t you know, busy with other stuff.”

“Other stuff?” Danny chuckles, “Is that what we’re calling it now? You can say sex Steve. This must, must put a damper on your whole two or three days a week thing. Oh wait no sorry, how many days did you say it was? Five?”

“I’ll have you know,” Steve says, staggering on his feet as he and Danny stumble outside the bar, “that me and Lynn had a lot of problems. But sex wasn’t one of them.”

“Well -” he furrows his brows, and stops suddenly, pulling Danny close to him, “Sex might’ve been one of them.”

“What happened? You need tips in bed? Smooth dog?”

“I am very good in bed!” Steve says, affronted, “It was not my skill that was the issue here.”

“Then what was it? No come on don’t clamp up on me now, I have to hear this. What was the issue?”

Steve turns bright red, “I might’ve - I might’ve said the wrong name in bed, a couple of times.”

“Babe, you are unbeatable. No really, you are. First you, you leave the engagement ring that you were going to give Catherine just lying around - then you take off with Catherine in the middle of a romantic dinner, and now you’re yelling her name in bed? Buddy I’m surprised she didn’t break up with you sooner.”

Steve’s giving him this look, like he can’t for the life of him understand what Danny’s saying. “No it wasn’t Catherine why would you think it’s Catherine. No it was - “

And that’s about as far as Steve gets, because a second later, he’s retching their dinner all over the side of the road.

//

+ 1: love him

They’re all out on his lanai: Danny, Tani, Junior, Kamekona, even Duke’s made it out - and Steve’s got the grill set up just a couple feet away from the chairs. Half his attention is on the grill, the other half is on Danny - the way he’s stretched out on the old chair; loosened from the beer he’s been nursing, and smiling at something Tani said.

“Keep an eye on that meat,” Lou says, startling Steve, “I don’t want my dinner burning.”

“I’m not gonna burn your dinner Lou jeez, have a little faith. When have I ever burnt your dinner before?”

Lou looks over at Danny, and back at Steve with raised eyebrows, “you’re a bit distracted today. Forgive me if I’m cautious.”

“He thinks I don’t know what he’s doing,” Steve says in lieu of a response, “but I found his list the other day. All the things that stress management specialist said, Chloe or whatever her name is - he’s got it all written down. He’s driving himself crazy, worrying about this thing.”

“Have you ever stopped to consider why he’s so worried?”

Steve turns to Lou with a frown, “it’s not that hard to put together Lou. He’s worried about my health. I get it, I am too - but I’m not running myself into the ground thinking about it day and night.”

“Look man, I’ve been with you guys for a couple of years now, and let me tell you something about Danny. Now I’m not pointing fingers or any of that, but I’ve seen that man care about a lot of things - but nothing the way he cares about you Steve.”

Steve opens his mouth to reply, but Lou just holds up his hand, “you didn’t see him Steve. The day you got shot? The day you almost died? You didn’t see him that day.”

“Danny was - he had broken ribs, and scratches all over his face. They told him to land the plane in the water did he tell you that?”

Steve shakes his head silently.

“The people in Air Control or whatever you want to call them, they told Danny that his best chance at survival was landing the plane in the water, swimming to shore. But he knew that landing the plane in the water meant that you might die, and it wasn’t a chance he was willing to take. He didn’t even stick around long enough to watch you get taken in for surgery, he was already on his way out looking for the sons of bitches that shot you up.”

“And I’ve never seen anything like it Steve, I’m telling you - I didn’t know he was capable of that kind of violence. There was this one guy, their ring leader, who managed to limp his way over to the helicopter. When me and Kono got there, Danny was standing over him with his gun out, and he had this look on his face - I was worried if I stepped in, he might shoot him just to get to this guy.”

“And after all that was done, he marched right back into that hospital, barrelled right past all of us, and offered up his liver. There wasn’t even a second’s hesitation. Apparently he’d already had the blood-work drawn up, in case anything like this happened.”

Lou claps him on his shoulder, “I love you man, I do. But I don’t love you the way Danny does. I don’t think anybody does.”

“Would you -” he gestures at the steaks, “would you watch over the grill for me? Just for a bit. There’s something I gotta do.”

He doesn’t wait to hear Lou’s reply, just stalks over to Danny and grabs him by his elbow - hauling him up.

“Hey where are we - why’re we going inside, you Neanderthal I was in the middle of a conversation what’re you tugging me around for like I’m some sort of -”

The rest of Danny’s sentence gets lost against Steve’s lips, as Steve turns him around and braces him against the nearest vertical surface. His mouth is already open, which Steve uses to his advantage; pressing his full weight against Danny and licking into his mouth; memorising it with his tongue.

They break up with a wet sound, and when Steve opens his eyes, Danny’s pupils are blown black.

“What was that for?” Danny whispers between their lips, and Steve half smiles at him, “that was me saying thank you. I know what you’ve been doing, trying to manage my stress for me. This is me saying thank you.”

“Huh,” Danny slides a hand around his neck, squeezing, “Why don’t you run that thank you by me again one more time?”

Fin

[pink-rathian-official]

At the beginning of 2019, I mentioned I would keep track of every game I finished, and sum up my thoughts on all of them at the end of the year. And now I’m half regretting it because I’m gonna have to write out a short summary for each of these games. Oh well. You’ll be able to find all of them under the Read More, if you’re interested. Will be including an arbitrary score next to each game based on how much I enjoyed them.

Just some fun numbers before we jump in to the meat of the post- In 2019, I beat a total of 41 games. That’s an average of 3.41 games per month, which actually isn’t too bad of a rate!

Super Smash Bros. Ultimate (5/5) 100% complete! Beaten twice! Without doubt, the best Smash game yet. You didn’t need me to tell you this- if you’ve got a Switch, then you’ve probably got Smash.

Bayonetta (4/5) A classic character action game, and an immense source of nostalgia for me. Play this game or I’ll break your knees.

Bayonetta 2 (4/5) I actually went into this game with low expectations, I didn’t expect to enjoy it as much as the first game. Fortunately I was stupid and wrong and ended up loving it just as much as Bayo1.

Splatoon 2 (3/5) The story wasn’t particularly the most enjoyable thing ever, although I did sink a pretty decent amount of time into the multiplayer. Still not my go-to game if I’m looking for a quick match.

The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild (4/5) It was enjoyable, although kinda started dragging on towards the end. The side content started feeling very repetitive, especially the shrines- but it was still a genuinely great time.

DOOM (2016) (3/5) I raged a wee bit, gonna admit. Although it was fun, I had a lot of frustrations with the late game.

Cthon (3/5) Doom, but a Lovecraftian roguelike. I’d recommend picking it up on Steam, it’s only USD$4.99 regularly, and USD$1.69 during the Steam sale currently going on.

Fire Emblem: Awakening (4/5) I suck at strategy games because I’m a smoothbrain, but FE:A is totally one of the best 3DS games ever released. Lucina is my daughter and the story made me cry.

Hyrule Warriors: Definitive Edition (2/5) I already played the 3DS version, and went into the DE expecting it to be a bit more enjoyable- and while it was, I did find myself getting bored rather quickly.

The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind (5/5) The best TES game ever released according to many fans. While I do still prefer Skyrim more, I can see exactly why so many love it. Planning on returning to do the DLCs soon.

Night in the Woods (4/5) I hate story-centric games, but I liked NITW a lot. The exploration was nice, seeing the town change day-to-day was nice, and the ending was freaky in a good way

Warhammer: Vermintide 2 (4/5) An incredibly fun game, very similar to Left 4 Dead but fantasy themed and with rat monsters. Launched my obsession with the Skaven.

Fallout 3 (2/5) Yeah just play New Vegas instead mate.

Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag (3/5) If you separate it from the rest of the relatively mediocre AC series, Black Flag is pretty gud. I like being a pirate. I don’t like tailing missions. I really don’t like ship tailing missions.

Ib (3/5) I played this game a few times through during my obsession with RPGMaker horror games. Still holds up pretty strong, although it’s a wee bit short.

Amorous (3/5) 100% complete! Yeah it’s just a lewd furry dating sim. Does have a decent character maker that I use as a reference for my fursona now though!

Way of the Samurai 3 (4/5) I don’t know why this game slipped under everyone’s radar back on release. Just overall a very Nice samurai simulator, albeit with some combat that takes some getting used to.

Monster Hunter Generations Ultimate (5/5) The best MonHun released yet. World is great, but for some reason it just doesn’t hold me like GU does. Maybe I’m just a boomer.

Super Mario Odyssey (3/5) It’s definitely what you’d expect out of Mario. Not a bad game by any means, but I just didn’t really keep attached to it like most others seemed to.

Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney (4/5) I like being a lawyer, and I love the serotonin rush that I get when cornering a criminal on their logic.

Resident Evil 7 biohazard (4/5) The first RE game I’ve played to completion. I don’t regret it at all, because it was super good. Got some great DLC as well.

SoulCalibur VI (Libra of Soul + Soul Chronicle) (4/5) Loved the character creation, loved gitting gud- did not love some of the side missions in LoS because holy Hell a lot of them are bullshit.

Borderlands 2 (4/5) I hated the first Borderlands, and went into 2 expecting more of the same. Ended up leaving surprisingly satisfied. Great loot n’ shoot all around.

Deus Ex: Game of the Year Edition (4/5) It took me a few tries to really get into this one, but once I did I was totally hooked. The ending battle could’ve used a little more love, but it was still by all means a great game.

Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines (4/5) Despite being a clearly rushed game with a drop in quality towards the last few hours, VtmB is still one of the most solid action RPGs I’ve ever played. Still not exactly gonna excuse the last couple of boss battles though.

Danganronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc (5/5) This went from “tumblr meme game that I had no interest in” to “one of the best fucking games I have ever played, and it hurt me deeply.” I don’t think I’ve ever been so invested in a story before, and the trial system was very refreshing.

Danganronpa 2: Goodbye Despair (5/5) How did they make a story with twists even more mindblowing than the first game? While THH invested me into the series, GD solidified my newfound love for it.

Which (3/5) 100% complete! A very short experimental horror game by indie animator and developer Mike Inel. Not bad at all, and completely worth the free download.

Skullgirls: 2nd Encore (3/5) I never really got good at this game, although the story mode was still very enjoyable. Not particularly something I’m probably gonna be coming back to.

Hollow Knight (5/5) Absolutely spectacular Metroidvania that gives quite a unique challenge. Fell in love with this game so bad that I was constantly thinking about it at work. Please stop comparing it to Dark Souls, it’s such an amazing game on its own merit without needing that comparison.

Undertale (5/5) It’s Undertale, do you really need me to tell you how amazing it is?

Devil May Cry 3 (Dante story) (4/5) Extremely fun and challenging. If you haven’t played this game yet then you are wrong. Beating the first Vergil battle without being hit filled me with very unneeded confidence- the spectacular final battle against Vergil stripped that confidence away.

Ion Fury (3/5) Very challenging, but still super enjoyable. The heroine is a genuine badass, loved hearing her quips. The final boss was garbo though.

Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice (5/5) Sekiro absolutely deserved the GOTY award. Loved the combat, loved the challenge, loved everything about this beautiful game.

Dragon Quest XI S: Echoes of an Elusive Age Definitive Edition (5/5) DQXI singlehandedly changed my opinion on JRPGs. A story that’s equal parts awesome and tearjerking, combat that feels truly satisfying, and a quirky world that had me hooked for all 98+ hours.

Danganronpa Another Story: Ultra Despair Girls (4/5) While it absolutely was a good game, something about it didn’t really hold the charm that the other Danganronpa games had. The story was still superb, and the twist at the end was hooh.

Spyro the Dragon (3/5) 120% complete! The nostalgia factor drew me in, the level design kept me. Except for Tree Tops, fuck you Tree Tops.

WarioWare Gold (3/5) Packed with the best microgames from WarioWare’s history, but not enough content to keep me there past the main story mode.

Metal Gear Solid: Snake Eater 3D (3/5) MGS3 is one of my favorite games ever, but the 3DS port’s framerate issues really killed the fun for me.

Halo: Reach (4/5) The story mode was good, but the multiplayer was absolutely sublime. I raged, I cheered, I had the fun I missed out on growing up without an Xbox.

[teal-bandit]

Days of Wundagore pt 16

Pietro stepped out of the room--still in his pajamas from the first day, but it was a start. They had a press conference later that day and it would be bad publicity if he didn't show up, he knew that. He wasn't looking forward to having to talk to Snow beforehand, though. He had avoided as much as thinking his *name* since the mission in Mutant Town. He was really trying not to blame him for what had happened; he knew their plan wouldn't work if he wasn't the bait for distracting his former "master", but making him relive that hell...

He sighed and shuffled to the bathroom down the hall, carrying a towel and a change of clothes. He knocked on the door and, after he was sure no one was in the room, he entered. He began undressing, but stopped. He could see thin white lines and burn scars from his time with that monster--the ones made from the first months of torture. It brought back the new memories made just last week--memories of guilt, blood, bruises, and hate. He felt sick, bile rising in his throat. He screwed his eyes shut.

He rushed over to the toilet, accidentally hitting the light switch on the way. After he finished puking, he opened his eyes again. He couldn't see anything. He felt his way over to the sink and tried looking in the mirror. Nothing. At least, nothing besides some vague outlines made by the light coming in from the door sill. He bit his lip--could he take a shower like this, so he didn't have to see all those scars? He decided to risk it. He stripped the rest of the way and carefully made it over to the bathtub, running the water until it was good and warm, then switching the nozzle to the shower on.

He felt the warm water washing away all of the dirt from the past few days--he hadn't had the energy to take a bath since Warlock had bathed him five days ago. He sighed contentedly, glad he didn't have to see himself. Even after willing himself to eat and to try confirming to himself that he hadn't deserved to be subjected to that man's perverted fantasies, he was still emaciated and felt disgusting--used, dirty, *unclean*. He had to shampoo his hair twice to get all the oil out of it, humming slightly as the water hit against his scalp and the soap travelled down his skin. He washed his body quickly; he didn't want to take the time and risk feeling all of those raised lines and patches. 'My god,' he thought, 'I need to shave... ' He swore at himself and at the situation. Maybe Warlock could help him...

He stepped out of the shower and toweled himself off, quickly pulling on his clothes. He walked quickly to the commons room, tossing his dirty pajamas into the hamper on the way. The technarch was nowhere in sight. Lorna and Remy stood up, visibly relieved to see him. "Hey, Pietro," Lorna started. "What's up? How are you feeling?"

Pietro tried smiling. It almost worked. "Better than I have been," he stated simply. "Still not good, but getting better. I... I need to shave, but... Do we know where Warlock is?"

"He gone to help Doug wit' some codin' in de server room," Remy drawled. "Why? What you need?"

Pietro blushed, looking down at the floor. He didn't want to have to ask the Cajun to do this, but he didn't want to see Snow or go to this press conference with half a beard growing on his face, either. "I um... I need to shave," he swallowed, "but looking in a mirror.... I would rather *die* right now--"

Remy crossed over to him as quickly as he could. "Yeah, no problem, Chèrie," he assured, walking toward the bathroom ahead of him. "We get you spiffed up in no time!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Remy worked up the shave cream into a lather as he watched the speedster take off his dress shirt and hang it up on the door. The Cajun motioned for him to sit in front of him on the sink. He was worried about how quiet he was being-- the past few months, when he had first joined the team, he had joked around and snarked at Remy every chance he could. Remy didn't mind, he thought it was actually kind of funny; the man was smarter than he would have given him credit for. He knew he probably didn't feel like talking much after that mission, so he decided not to push him.

He brushed the shave cream onto the man's angular face. Being this close and without worrying about trying to be cold toward him--or wanting to, for that matter--he took the time to notice the white-haired mutant's features as he carefully manuvered the razor across his skin. He had his father's nose, that's for sure, and his brow line. His eyes were softer, though, and deeper-set in his skull. There were dark circles under them that brought out the almost periwinkle tint in his irises. He had higher cheekbones, too--emphasized for the lack of food he'd been eating lately. His lips were thin, like Erik's, but the upper one was more defined than his father's. His overall face shape was narrower than the master of magnetism and it made him look effeminate. 'Beautiful,' Remy thought absently before completely shaking the thought from his head.

He looked up at the man's flushed cheeks; he was probably embarrassed at having to have someone else do this simple task *for* him, but Remy couldn't blame him. After all he had been through, from the past week and before, he was amazed that he was still breathing. Danger had warned the whole team about his low serotonin levels and to watch for signs of suicidal thoughts or self-harm. He alternated stealing glances at the man's sad-looking face and watching carefully as he guided the razor over his neck. They were nearly finished, and Remy felt him stiffen when he gently touched the column of his throat, pushing over to gain better access to his jawline. Pietro reluctantly complied, leaning with his touch, closing his eyes. Remy felt his breath hitch. He blushed slightly, turning to focus on his work until the lather was gone and he handed a warm washcloth the the man on the sink.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

[drlaurynlax]

21 Healthy Bed Time Snacks That Are Good For You

Are Bed Time Snacks Healthy?

To eat before bed or not eat before bed? That is the question…no longer with these 21 healthy bed time snacks if hunger strikes.

Many health blogs, bro-science and personal trainers will tell you that “eating at night is bad”—scaring you with claims that it “slows metabolism,” “makes you gain weight,” or “spikes insulin (blood sugar) levels.”

For instance, a 2013 study found that, out of the 420 overweight and obese participants enrolled in a five-month weight loss program, the ”late eaters” (people classified as eating their biggest meal after 3pm) lost “significantly less weight” and took longer to lose it, than the “early eaters”, (those who ate their main meal before 3pm).

Another study from 2005, found that late-night eating (within 3 hours of bed time) was positively linked to indigestion and acid reflux

However, many of these claims and “research” have been skewed!

The missing links the “Don’t-Eat-Late-At-Night” myth often fails to consider is the OVERALL intake of food and eating patterns of people—throughout the day—plus heathy digestion.

Were these people eating balanced, real foods throughout the day (or dieting all day long, to then “binge” or overeat at night)?

Did they support their digestion with probiotics, digestive enzymes and/or hydro-chloric acid, or were they 3 in 4 Americans who already had some sort of “digestive dysfunction” to start?

What were they eating for their late night meal anyways?—Pizza and ice cream, or salmon or chicken with veggies and sweet potatoes?

As you can see, research CAN be skewed. There are healthy bed times snacks.

Nevertheless, newer more cutting edge research—digging deeper—has found that late night eating is NOT as detrimental as once thought. 

In this research review, Kimsy & Ormsby, 2015,   of more than 70 studies, the authors sought to look at BOTH sides of the “late night eating” dilemma to understand the real truths.

Their conclusion?

Nighttime consumption of a small snack of both single nutrients or mixed-meals does not appear to be harmful, and actually may be more beneficial for muscle protein synthesis and metabolism.

In other words: The “don’t eat before bed” myth is so 1992. 

Other research confirms these finding, debunking many common myths about late night eating you, too, may have believed. For instance:

Myth: Carbs Are Bad to Eat at Night

Truth: Real food carbs—eaten with dinner, or a small snack—can promote more balanced insulin levels over night, improved sleep and boosted mood (raising serotonin ), greater fat oxidation (fat burning).  

Myth: Eat Your Biggest Meal at Noon

Truth: Ever wonder why you feel sleepy after lunch time or why that 3 pm energy slip hits? Digestion takes lots of work (on all your body systems) , and when eat a larger meal mid-day, or don’t balance our meals throughout the day, our digestion can take energy away from your other energy needs. Eating lunch is not a “bad” thing, but strictly aiming to eat a “bigger” meal mid-day and restrict calories at night can leave you feeling lethargic. In addition, since cortisol levels are higher typically during the day (when you’re in “go mode”), this can equally slow down the rate at which you digest your food (since your body is more stressed out with higher cortisol patterns). Eating at night can allow you to absorb and fully digest the nutrient rich foods you eat. 

Myth: Late Night Eating Makes You Gain Weight

Truth:  The real reason people “gain weight” when they at at night? They typically restrict their food during the day, setting them up for more stress (cortisol) and metabolic dysfunction, plus a feeding frenzy or “earning their food” mentality at night after “being good all day.” There is not ONE optimal time for every human body. Since our schedules, genetic makeups and lifestyles are all completely different, the ideal times of day we eat are different too. Whereas a 23-year-old fitness enthusiast may thrive upon eating three meals and a snack or two during the day, another person may thrive upon intermittent fasting—eating their food for the day in a 8-12 hour window, and another person, say an emergency room nurse who is up at 5 a.m. for her shift thrives off of eating earlier in the day.

Myth: Late Night Eating Gives You Acid Reflux & Won’t Digest

Truth: Not necessarily. While, optimal digestion DOES happen in “rest and digest” mode (i.e. sleep) and eating too much or too close to bed can negatively impact the quality of your sleep, for others, eating a bed time snack or meal before bed actually improves their ability to sleep (especially if it has the amino acid Tryptophan or Magenisum in the meal). Moreover, digestion doesn’t suddenly stall if you eat at night—(particularly if you’re not overly full). Ultimately, this is where self-experimentation happens. Do you feel worse or better if you eat close to bed? Let that be your guide.

Bonus Digestion Tip:  If you DO eat closer to bed, or feel fuller prior to bed, try propping your head semi-upright to rest can be beneficial for supporting the “north to south” process of digestion. In addition, healthy digestive practices can help promote improved digestion if you eat closer to bed as well, including: taking probiotics and eating fermented foods daily, chewing your food well, digestive enzymes, hydrochloric acid (if you get ‘reflux’ or have low stomach acid) and/or apple cider vinegar, etc.), and, of course, eating real foods. 

THE BOTTOM LINE

What matters more than eating at night or not?

What you eat over the course of 24-hours in a day (consistently); and

Your digestion—Are you digesting the foods you eat (regardless of whether or not you eat at night)?

In other words: If you are eating appropriate amounts of food, for your body type and health (no matter the time of day), PLUS digesting your food well, then “late night eating”  is not a bad thing.

BED TIME SNACKS: YAY OR NAY?

So should you eat before bed? 

Yes and no.

The bigger question is: What type of hungry are you?

Are you just eating or snacking because it’s a habit or a craving?

Are you hungry—at a cellular level—because you ate at 6 p.m., and it’s now 10 or 11 p.m.?

Did you not fuel your body with enough fuel throughout the day?

Did you have a tough workout today or yesterday, and your body is needing some extra replenishment?

Some days will be “yes” and some days will be “no.”

If you are hankering a bedtime snack, reach for foods with:

Magnesium—Mineral that relieves insomnia, relaxes muscles, calms you, decreases cortisol—your “stress hormone”, or

Tryptophan-Amino Acid that calms your brain and helps you sleep

Need some ideas for Bed Time Snacks:

Some optimal bed time snacks at night (for boosting sleep hygiene) include:

Herbal or Cinnamon Tea (optional stir in MCT oil or 1 tbsp. Grass-fed Butter)

Coconut Yogurt

Homemade Avocado “pudding” (link to recipe)

Avocado & Grapefruit with sea salt

Goat’s milk yogurt or fermented plain, full-fat yogurt

Kefir or Goat’s Milk Kefir with frozen blueberries

Grass-fed cottage cheese

Chia-seed pudding (link to recipe) 

Baked apple slices with cinnamon and coconut oil

Beef isolate protein powder or collagen protein + carob powder blended in almond milk or coconut milk

Homemade spinach dip (link to my recipe ) with cucumbers

1/2 green tipped banana with coconut butter or almond butter

Canned wild salmon and wild caught tuna

Pastured eggs (scrambled)

Turkey roll-ups

Homemade kale chips with dried cranberries and olive oil

Handful raw soaked cashews, almonds or walnuts

Toasted pumpkin seeds or sunflower seeds

Square 80-100% dark chocolate

Pumpkin Muffins (link to recipe)

Turkey or Beef Jerky (nitrate-free)

Spinach Dip

Ingredients:

14 oz. artichoke hearts, drained

3 cups baby spinach, wilted (steamed)

1/2 yellow onion, minced

6 cloves garlic, minced

5 thick slices of bacon or turkey bacon, diced

½ cup full-fat coconut milk

Sea salt and back ground pepper

Directions

Fry the bacon in a skillet over a medium- until the bacon begins to brown. Add in onion and garlic and sauté for 2 to 3 minutes. Add in the artichokes and spinach and cook for an additional 3 minutes. Remove from heat and let it cool. Pour in the coconut milk and combine well. Refrigerate for at least 30 min.

Chia Seed Pudding

Ingredients:

1 ripe banana, peeled

1/4 cup full-fat coconut milk

2 tbsp chia seeds

Dash of vanilla extract, alcohol free

Directions

Blend banana and coconut milk and vanilla in blender, then add chia seeds and blend further.  Pour into a container and chill for an hour to let the chia seeds expand.

Chocolate Avocado Pudding

Ingredients:

1 medium ripe avocado

2-3 tablespoons carob powder (for AIP) or organic cocoa powder

1-2 tbsp. maple syrup

1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

pinch of sea salt

3-4 tablespoons of coconut milk OR almond (carageenan free)

1 scoop (2 tablespoons) collagen peptides (optional)

Directions

Add avocado, carob (or cocoa), maple syrup, vanilla, and salt to the bowl of a blender. If using espresso powder, dissolve it in milk. Add milk to blender. Blend until very smooth and creamy. Taste

Pumpkin Muffins

Ingredients:

3/4 cup coconut flour

1/2 cup organic pumpkin puree

1/4 cup pure maple syrup

6 pastured eggs

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1/2 teaspoon ground ginger

1/4 teaspoon ground cloves

3/4 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon apple cider vinegar (or lemon juice)

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees and line a standard muffin tin with 12 parchment or silicone baking cups. Combine all of the ingredients in a mixing bowl and stir well with a whisk to break up any clumps.Spoon in to muffin tins and bake 25-30 minutes until golden brown on the edges.

The post 21 Healthy Bed Time Snacks That Are Good For You appeared first on Meet Dr. Lauryn.

Source/Repost=> https://drlauryn.com/hormones-metabolism/21-healthy-bed-time-snacks-that-are-good-for-you/ ** Dr. Lauryn Lax __Nutrition. Therapy. Functional Medicine ** https://drlauryn.com/

[terracottasunrise]

My Life’s Playlist

Alright so this is a weird one. I’m going to break form for a minute and do something sorta fun (yup only 20% misery here a new low). Granted this is coming around because I created a playlist and then suddenly felt the urge to defend every song on it to the person it was made for. Then like most things said fuck it no one reads this anyway and this is easier than sending a massive text of “this is why I picked this, and this is why I picked this” ect. So yeah this is less for the world and more for the one person this was made for. However I’m an open book so fuck it may as well let the world see this soul expressed in music, at least in the year of 2021. No particular order by the way, just going to hit play and write as songs pop up and explain what they mean to me.

It’s Alright by Mother Mother-

It was between this and “Bottom is a Rock”. But I got to be honest “It’s Alright” is such a good representation of what I need to hear when I’m going through mental spiral. Cause when I spiral it’s a rough thing, a problem with writing everything I feel is I remember it so much more vividly after putting it on paper. So when I start getting into that mindset I basically go through a mental slideshow of my failures bringing up every reason why I wasn’t good enough a lot of times reaching back years to find ammunition against myself. This song eases that a bit. Just that helpful reminder “You’re alright, you’re ok.”

Dear McCracken by Bug Hunter-

This is one of those awkward love songs that I love so much. A guy looking for love watching someone else losing it. The thing resonates with me on a personal level is I have 100% been that person sitting in an airport or on a plane/train writing trying to craft a way to express something. I can only think of how many people read some truly depressing shit over my shoulder without me knowing. The line “There’s a heart balanced on how her words are perceived.” Gets me every time. Because that’s my medium and that for sure is the truth.

Mr. Loverman by Ricky Montgomery-

This song. This song serves as a perfect reflection of the months leading after a heartbreak. It’s every relationship ending, every hopeful romance lost, every failure. But it’s real, and there is that twang in the music that is sad but bouncy at the same time. It makes me think of every time I’ve had a relationship end and that anxiety of being alone and desire to just drown it. It’s looking at the past and future at one point or another, love lost or love found and lost.

Peanut Butter Waffles by Ryan Caraveo-

I’ll be honest this is the only song I know from Ryan Caraveo. But it reflects my place in life almost perfectly. A guy who takes too much about how he feels, a guy who tries not to disappoint anyone. Someone who revels in verbal admiration because he’s not used to it. A guy that had to grow up way too fast and is unable to figure out how to cope with the world and is just finally trying to find some of that childhood joy. A few lines in this song hit me in the feels“I can hear my thoughts clear”  just makes me think, I never don’t have something going. I can’t handle silence, as soon as I do I start thinking and overthinking I need that left brain distraction to keep me happy.  It feels like in the last 10 years I have never had time to relax, and then when I did I was literally “Making life decisions in the time it took to brush my teeth” yeah this is me. A guy trying to find his home, a place to belong and someone to belong to.

Would That I by Hozier-

When I first heard this song I listened to it on repeat. I want to say for days but let’s be honest it was hours but it gave me everything I ever wanted for the melancholy mood I was in. It reminds me of probably my biggest heartbreak and how I stopped letting it define me and judging everyone off that one person. For years I was hung up and miserable and convinced that I was never going to find someone and wouldn’t let myself. Now god forbid if someone is good to me because her kindness will consume my wooden heart like a flame to tinder. It’s the idea that for me infatuation is a fire that will consume me and I need to embrace that side of myself. I stopped looking back because “That’s not tonight”

Typical Story by Hobo Johnson-

I hated this song when I first heard. But something about the beat just works to get me riled up and fired up. I think the main reason I came around was because the lyrics just make me think of myself and that little voice I’m at war with that constantly tells me to bail and give up but the song gets me mad at myself for thinking that way. I will not be the Typical Story.

Hell and You by Amigo and the Devil-

This is one of those songs that I like but I flip it every time I hear it because it makes me think a bit too much about who I am when I am deep in a relationship. It’s a song about utter loyalty, especially that line “I’d crawl in bed with you, even on someone else’s blood, on top of someone else’s love” saying that no matter who else falls in love with him, or sacrifices themselves for him, he will always fall asleep alongside his lover. That feeling, of caring so much nothing else matters besides the one you care for, is a terribly wonderful feeling.

Blood in the Cut by K.Flay-

I’ve always liked this song, even before I was living the gender swapped version of it. Almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy. But it’s that self-deprecation and really the need for noise that gets me singing it. I don’t like the quiet. I need some form of simulation something that distracts my left brain and lets the right brain run rampart. If I can’t distract myself I start freaking out and over analyzing, which is a character flaw to be sure but it’s real. Even when I go to sleep I run something to keep my brain distracted otherwise I lay in bed overthinking everything. Guess the teachers were right when they said I had an over-active imagination.

Fast Talk by Dawn Golden, Houses-

I grew up in the country, just let’s get that straight real quick. But this song, it reminds me of another on this list. Especially when I go home. Things are just simpler. This is probably one of the more well-known  songs on this list but it’s about appreciating the simple things. Seeing the threads of fate in the little things that could have worked out so much worse. I can think of many times where I should have gotten in more trouble than I did and this song reminds me of that. No many how many breaks I don’t catch, I’ve caught a few.

  Firebreather by Macklemore-

Most famous person on this list for sure but this song is not as well known. I love this song. This is my pump up song. The song that makes me feel invincible. Had to throw it on here because it would be a lie to not mention that before big things, this song gets played. With that said the, the chorus and that beat are really what gin me up. The buildup gets me ramped up and ready to tackle whatever gets thrown at me.

No Home by New Vega-

This is the mentality. “you are always alone and you want to go home” This past year this whole pandemic life has made me just alone. All the time. Just living out of a hotel, no one checking up on me no one caring about how I am, just me fighting to find purpose. Trying to find some sort of relatable person. That’s why I got a cat. That little shit is a pain in the ass but the most comforting provider of serotonin I’ve had in years. Love ya Cataban

Cannonball By Watsky-

Watsky gets two, but this is a great song…. Not really a song more of a word jam that captures that feeling of starting to fall in in a kind of love that you know heals something in you a little bit. Late love, when you get past the heart happy bullshit and hit the real shit and are just still somehow happy because you have each other. It’s that idea of forgiving yourself and your situation because you are with someone that makes all the nonsense worth it.

Sloppy seconds by Watsky-

This is so real to me. In a world of music and stories where everyone is perfect and wonderful this song celebrates the perfection of imperfection. Nothing exquisite has been born out of anything but tragedy. I’ve made the mistake of dating someone that never had a day of adversity in her life and let me tell you, not my kinda person. I fall for people that have some baggage. You have to. If you don’t it means you haven’t done anything.

Disaster Hearts by I Fight Dragons-

Definitely was one of those songs that I just sat down and said yeah, at this age we all have disaster hearts. We all figure shit out and say we won’t be hurt again and then guess what it happens again. That calloused muscle that has been rebuilt to survive nuclear fallout is completely susceptible to the infatuation of one person. No construction of wall or barrier will stop it. But disaster is necessary it molds you.

The Mask by Matt Maeson-

This is one hits me close to my heart every time I hear it. It’s something we all do to an extent, blocking out the emotions that hurt so much and just crafting a mask that make everyone think things are going alright. Crafting that mask of mirth and nonchalance that makes everyone think you are ok. In my case my mask is my writing. I write things out and never look back. “I settle my grievance by crafting a mask”

 Oh My Dear Lord by The Unlikely Candidates

Life in the fast lane. Man this was me for years. “I was a good guy, but I was the worst type/ Give me an inch man, and I’ll take a mile” That was me. Fuck still is me. It’s a self-destructive advancement I can’t get away from. I found myself in the last few years not even climbing the ladder, just getting recognized and successfully driving my life forward, and it’s like getting whiplash finding that all that success is not at all what I wanted. I’m over my head.

Castle on the hill by Ed Sherran-

Well sorry Macklemore, Ed Sherran might be the most famous, even more than Fast Talk this reminds me of home. Every time I drive home this is the song that plays in my head. The images of a bunch of children with a thirty of beer sitting on a hill watching fireworks on the 4th of july. Damn there was such an innocence back then. That bit on the tail end where he lists what happens to everyone, that’s almost a one for one snapshot of my childhood friends. I don’t know how I was the one to make it out. But I did. Kicking and clawing but here I am.

Tubthumping by Chumbawumba-

Very little to be said but in any soul discussing playlist Tubthumping needs to be involved. Every conflict in my life. Don’t know how I pull it off but I stand up every time.

Wait for it-by Leslie Odom Jr. Hamilton

I had to pick something from Hamilton. This song… It’s the bad guy. It’s Burr. The play paints him as such a relatable character. And the line that fucking line. “Love doesn’t discriminate, it takes and it takes and it takes” Yup. I wish I could choose who I fall for. I would be such a happier person. But I can’t I fall for the complicated, the unreturning the ambivalent. That’s who I will love. It’s a sick disease the likes I would never wish on a single person.

As the Rush Comes by Motorcycle-

Chills, every time I hear this song. It’s hard to capture the feeling this invokes. It’s the wanderer, the scoundrel, the Romani in me. Drifting through life loving and moving through life as if I was water diffusing through gravel. It’s a song that illicit highs and lows in my body and I would love to just lay next to a bass speaker listening to it on repeat.

[lucemariah-blog]

My friend Sertraline

Hello, humans.

So, as you all already know from my first post, I am on Sertraline. I referred to it briefly but I wanted to let you know more about it and I will do it by answering some questions about it. Shall we begin?

What is Sertraline?

Sertraline is an antidepressant, more specifically a Serotonin Selective Reuptake Inhibitor (SSRI) and is commonly used to treat generalised anxiety disorder, phobias, social anxiety and post-traumatic stress. But what is Serotonin? 

Serotonin, or 5-Hydroxytryptamine (5-HT), is an important neurotransmitter of the Central Nervous System (CNS) where it has several functions like appetite control, sleep patterns and mood, and is also associated with some clinical conditions such as migraines, mood disorders and anxiety. 

How does it work?

So, being a reuptake inhibitor, Sertraline will bind to the serotonin transporters (SERT or 5-HTT) located in the pre-synaptic neuron membrane. These transporters are responsible for the reuptake of the serotonin available on the synaptic cleft. 

As you can see, sertraline has a similar structure to serotonin, which makes it possible to bind to the SERT and block them, leaving more serotonin available on the synaptic cleft to bind to the 5-HT receptors on the post-synaptic membrane. 

Why am I taking Sertraline?

What I have can be classified as generalised anxiety disorder, which is an ongoing state of excessive anxiety with no external reason whatsoever for it. It is a constant state of “shit’s about to hit the fan at any moment”. I can’t control it. I over think stuff. I lose my sleep over scenarios that might or might not happen any day soon or ever. It’s very tiring. This states of anxiety, and also depression, have been associated with low levels of serotonin available. 

However, unlike some other anxiolytic drugs, like benzodiazepines, SSRIs take longer to have an effect, and before they do, they might just act the opposite way. Whereas a benzodiazepine can be used on an “as needed” basis, because it can end anxiety in 30 minutes, SSRIs must be taken continuously during long periods of time. 

How does it help?

It stabilizes my mood. Instead of me being obsessing over shit that isn’t even happening all the time, I get more relaxed and more focused on things that actually need my attention. I feel way less emotional and more rational, more centred, and even a bit happier. It gets me through the day without sudden mood swings and I actually stopped thinking that getting myself inside my car, driving it into my garage, closing all doors and just let it run would actually do something good. 

And what about side effects?

So, sertraline takes its time to actually do something good for you. Before it gets better, it gets worse. According to the NHS site, it can take up to 6 weeks for it to actually work. During that adaptation period, which for me it wasn’t that look, I got a lot of unwanted side effects, like clenching my teeth, headaches, insomnia and diarrhoea. However, these side effects don’t happen all at once. The headaches and insomnia happen in the first 2 or 3 days and then faded, giving place to peeing from my butthole. Not cool.  Fortunately, I am already pretty well adapted, and it only took me 2 weeks. 

Will I be on Sertraline forever?

Honestly? I can’t answer that question. I am taking the lowest dose at the moment, which is 50 mg/day, and I feel fine and don’t feel the need to increase it. I hope I don’t have to, and I do hope that someday I can stop taking it. 

I have been on other antidepressants before, in my life. When I was 18 I was diagnosed with depression and put on Fluoxetine (or Prozac). It is an awful drug. Well, at least for me it was because it can take months to actually work and I could never go through that adaptation phase. It first got me severely anxious and irritated. I couldn’t even deal with my boyfriend talking about his day. Then it got me apathetic. It was not a good sensation, so I just stopped it and never got back to it. 

My Portuguese GP always told me that I managed pretty well my mental health, but after my mum passing, it started to get way more difficult. Still, I managed to stay away from antidepressants until now. I did, however, took a Z-drug /similar to benzodiazepine) to help me sleep. Some other day I will explain that phase to you. 

Now I am just happy to be my normal me again. 

Also, if you think you need help dealing with your mental health, go to your GP, please. Don’t auto medicate, because that won’t do you any good. Been there, done that, not cool.

Take care xx

(I wrote this post with the help of Rang & Dale’s Pharmacology 8th Edition)

[fallingintounfolding]

Nobody wants to hear about your cleanse.

Yes. I know. 

I don’t want to hear about yours either. But hey—this blog is only half for you. The other half is mine to record the shit I want to record. So, I am going to talk about it anyway. 

Preamble

This winter thus far has been dark and dirty and mostly immobile. 

Lowlights:

Being bedridden for 6 weeks due to an ankle injury.

5 bad hook-ups in a row, followed by a long month of celibacy. 

Watching no less than 10 series (some even had multiple seasons) on Netflix...almost consecutively. 

Spending the holidays solo.

Eating enough food to feed a small vegan horse. 

Drinking more alcohol than the two seasons before combined.

Honestly? I spent days on end in this apartment bemoaning how I went from such a spiritual high at the end of the summer to these super low blues. 

But I can’t live in the super low blues. The best thing to do is to let your self suffer for a wee bit, then pick yourself up and fix it. 

I am doing that through a cleanse. 

Whenever I hear “cleanse,” I think about Kelly from that episode of the office where she does the MasterCleanse. This sums it up. 

This is not this kind of cleanse. 

This is more like I am treating myself to a retreat. But without leaving the city. Because I have classes. And I have to get a citizenship. Oh, and Canada currently has my passport. 

But it’s ok. I am going to treat myself to retreat. 

Resetting: The Plan

A 21-day reset followed by a 10-day Vipassanā meditation. 

21-Day Detox

I have examined the areas of my life that I feel are in need of a boost. Then made a list of things that were no longer serving me that I need to boot. 

Here was the list I made late one night in my head when my ex-boyfriend was sleeping over, and was snoring, and I couldn’t sleep. 

First thing to go: the ex-boyfriend. (Just kidding. He is nice and we love each other. Maybe I will read this line years from now and roll my eyes at myself.)

The list:

Do more yoga

Start meditating again

Just drink more water

Get my french to the next level

Quit being a wimp about cycling the hills in Brussels

Stop.fucking.drinking.

Get more vitamin D

Do a serious fast. Stop eating fries and cashews.

Stop seeing people for while

Get rid of Netflix.  Get rid of all non-work or writing related webstuff

Do more art.

Then I designed myself some resources to help. 

The thing about being a decent designer is that you can make yourself motivating materials, that are 100% personalized to you. I went to the local printers and printed these in colour for €2, and hung them on my walls. 

The Day Plan

Download this here.

Like a real retreat, I made myself a schedule. I scheduled in my goals, and when I was going to do things. That way I don’t get to the end of the night and think “Well, shit. Now I don’t have time.” 

I have the time. It is clearly laid out. 

Each part of the day is divided up with time to create nice salads, meditate, work on my art or writing. 

What I don’t have time for is Facebook or Netflix. 

There are some notes on the bottom of the page to remind myself my other goals and why I am doing this, so I will subconsciously see them and be motivated. 

The Meal Plan

Download this here.

My diet is pretty clean. 

When I started looking at detoxes online, a lot of them were like “Stop eating meat, sugar and caffeine.” I was like “My life is a goddamn detox.” But, that doesn’t mean I have been eating the best I can, 

I have clearly been eating too many fries, cashews, and beer. 

And not nearly enough leafy greens. 

So, for the next 21 days, just being a plant is not enough.

I am upping the fresh greens and lowering the nuts and oils. I thought about cutting them entirely, and I might do this for a few days in the detox, but it is hard to roast vegetables or get the salt to stick to your popcorn with no oil at all. 

And plus, nuts are a very important source of protein and minerals. Just not so much. A wee bit gets to stay. 

The Checklist

Download this here. 

I love a checklist. 

And I love seeing that I am doing something well at something 

The daily checks will help me build my momentum (ie. I am not going to have a beer if I have 15 check marks, and I know I won’t get to check that day if I do.) so this is where this checklist comes in. 

The checklist includes:

Tech detox: now I need my MacBook for work and writing. I am keeping Gmail, WhatsApp, Memrise, and Gaia. Other than that, I have cleared everything non-essential from my iPhone and MacBook and downloaded SelfControl for the first two weeks until I break the habit. Farewell Facebook. See you later Instagram. Toodles Twitter. I am off. 

Nutrition: I talked about this in the last section, but I am giving myself a tick for each day I stick to my daily meal plan.

Alcohol-free: This winter I have been drinking at least 15 units a week. And that's being modest. Not only is it packing on the kilos, but the hangover stops me from meditating and doing yoga the next day, not so good. So, I put all my special drinks on the top shelf, and am giving my liver a break for the next month. 

Yoga: I do 20-30 minutes of yoga every morning, which helps me stretch out the creakiness, but I’d like to up my vinyasa game and intensify my practice a bit this month. But whether it is 1 hour of yin or vinyasa, I am getting a check for every day I hit my mat. 

Meditation: Meditation is an essential. I have two mediation slots in my day, one which is a simple, easy, meditation where I will simply work on time (Adding 3 minutes each day) The second mediation is either a full body relaxation meditation or one on Gaia. 

Art: This is either drawing, cycle repair, or writing. All I include as art, creative expression and experience. I haven’t been to my art class since I hurt my ankle. I got tired of drawing naked people. But I am going to launch back in with my own projects this season.  

Solitude Training: So, at the end of the month, I am doing a ten day Vipassana course. Part of that is going to be the silence, but also the emotional solitude. And I am going to start working on this for the detox. The people in my life are lovely, but I need to work on getting really comfortable with solitude. So, this means I am drastically reducing how much I talk to people and socialize. In exception of the plans I have already made (and school/work) I am flying solo for the next month. (Note: this also includes being celibate for the next month. Dear god. But “ITS GONNA BE AMAZING”....) 

Sun: It has been so dark, which has had an effect on my serotonin levels. So, I get a check for 30 minutes spent outside. Even if it is not sunny. 

Vitamin Wash: There have been a ton of studies done on vitamin supplements, and my conclusion is that they really can’t replace a diet filled with organic, fresh, phytochemicals. This being said, an intense vitamin c wash can transform your entire system, from your immunity to your mind. So, I am going supplement megadoses of vitamin c for the detox. Get into the blood. And wash out some of that cashew and coconut fat. 

Vipassanā

All this detoxing is really leading up to the big cleanse: the Vipassanā retreat.

If you’ve heard of Vipassanā before, you’re probably thinking: 10 days of trying to sit still and complete silence. Pretty drastic. 

And while that is a part of it, it is not the essence. 

The essence is taking some time to take an in-depth look into your own mind. While you meditate, you see the rising and passing away of your thoughts, which leads to deep insights into not only how you think, but life as a whole. 

But it is not for the faint of heart. And it will get tough. 

That's why I am doing three weeks of prep before I go. 

Going to grab some blankets and head up to Dhamma Pajjota in the north east of Belgium. To sit quietly and observe my own mind for a while. 

I don’t know how much I will want to write during my process. Part of me wants to commit to tracking the whole thing, and the other half thinks it is better to just sink into it and see how I feel on the other side. Maybe I will find a place in between.

The detox section starts tomorrow! I am excited. 

Kind of. 

[interestingfactsquotes]

Sun Gazing Facts

What Is Sun Gazing? Sun gazing is perhaps one of the most mistaken-for and clouded practices pursued by fanatics across the globe! This is a classic example of the clash between science and spirituality. While spirituality claims that gazing at the sun for long periods of time improves your eyesight as well as decreases your appetite and makes you healthier, it is not seconded by science. On the contrary, science claims that the practice of sun gazing is extremely harmful to our eyes and may even cause permanent blindness.

Facts About Sun Gazing Some research shows that sun gazing stimulates the pineal gland as the sun hits the eye.  This can increase production of serotonin and melatonin.  This could lead to increased energy levels and possibly promote weight loss. However, any misleading attempts at benefits can't possibly overcome potential serious damage to your eyes and vision.  The sky started to darken, and though the complete circle could nevertheless be seen lingering in the sky, we gazed. Sun gazing is the custom of staring at sunlight for prescribed amounts of time. In modern science and western medical philosophy, it has been demonstrated that the sun is vital to the rise of agriculture and wellness of mankind. Even the sun isn't ultimately static. Of course, it is not moving. After ten continuous days of sun gazing you are going to be taking a look at sunlight for around 100 seconds. It's far better gaze while sunlight is low on the horizon to lessen the high level of the rays. Now a couple of years later, it may not be there anymore. As time passes, everything becomes done. Any other time just does not work and results in serious troubles. You're back for a different day. My first days were amazing. Within just a couple hours you're free. Sun gazing is a complex passion to have and not advisable for long term eyesight management.  There is but one way forward. One of the things which I like about mangoes is that they're so profoundly messy to eat. Re-framing the entire work ethic issue is an interesting one to start with. One of the serious explanations for why folks wake up depressed in the morning is due to heavy dinners or late meals. https://youtu.be/D_ERDxxzvQE Nature Facts:  https://www.interestingfacts.org/category/nature-facts World Facts:  https://www.interestingfacts.org/category/world-facts Science Facts:  https://www.interestingfacts.org/category/science-facts Definitions: https://www.interestingfacts.org/category/definition Planets:  https://www.interestingfacts.org/category/facts-about-planets Nutrition Facts:  https://www.interestingfacts.org/category/nutrition-facts Quotes:  https://www.interestingfacts.org/category/quotes Things To Do:  https://www.seatsforeveryone.com/blog Sitemap:  https://www.interestingfacts.org/sitemap.xml  https://www.reddit.com/r/spirituality/comments/7t9gam/sun_gazing_does_it_work_can_it_really_fix/

The hearing voices aren't far behind. Coyote Cries full of excitement, oh, how they're frolicking in near sight, the hearing voices continue to be there. Sleep and resting eyes aren't the only strategies to restore energy. If you are afflicted with anxieties and depression, you will realize that these go away. That slapping pain across the rear of my legs again became something which I was just utilized to. It's possible to be porous, only the brain should get used to it and when it does, you'll be untouchable. Hands down my favourite track is the very first titled Entoptic Phenomenon. Eye can get the full spectrum of the sunlight. Even the most fundamental, simplest `eyes', such as the ones belonging to unicellular organisms don't have any other function except to detect whether the surroundings are light or dark in order to keep the circadian rhythms. If there is absolutely no sunlight, no food will increase. Sun gazing is an elaborate passion to have and not a good idea for long-term eyesight administration. It is the practice of looking directly at the sun at sunset or sunrise. Our Sun might be one of the most neglected free resources that we've. After ten continuous days of sun gazing you are going to be taking a look at sunlight for around 100 seconds. So should you, if you opt to examine the Sun. So at 10 days you'll be studying the sun for 100 seconds, or one minute and 40 seconds. Be certain to stand on the bare earth and appear straight into sunlight. Observing the particular process for sun gazing is essential to reduce sun damage. Examine the rising or setting sun once every day. The stuff of superior wellness. Masters of sun gazing claim to be in a position to live off the energy from sunlight without having to eat or drink anything. This informative article can help you begin a sungazing practice so that you can SAFELY take in the Sun. All the organs and all the systems are thought to respond to distinct colors of the rainbow, which is the reason why it is also advised to eat a diet rich in a wide range of colors. The pineal gland is among the most researched glands of the human body. Some people today say this man should have a genetic mutation and that's the reason his entire body permits him to survive (in amazingly great wellness mind you) without the demand for food. It's an appetite enhancer, fairly new on the marketplace, but one that appears to be operating well for individuals with anorexia or eating disorders. Color therapists attribute their healing of particular diseases to flooding the human body and brain with the specific color that's lacking based on the ailment. The tradition of sun gazing has some truly amazing positive aspects, not just for your physical wellbeing, but in addition for your mental well-being and spiritual improvement. On the contrary, science claims that it is extremely harmful to our eyes and may even cause permanent blindness. At 3-6 months of gazing, the studies indicate that physical diseases begin to disappear. Hence the experiment continues. An excellent imagination is required for self expression. The mind can't appear to take a rest.  Clearing it does not erase ideas. You must absolutely quit doing that. Not one of these things have to take up an excessive amount of moment. It actually isn't a great idea. It's also a great idea to maintain a journal to keep track of your progress and keeping note of how you're physically and mentally feeling. https://youtu.be/PbvhJDRmeoA Read the full article

[l-x-ie]

Go Away

The last installment of Please Don’t Go

Notes: 

there was research done on prairie voles to see the effects of oxytocin injected and it was discovered that they found mate right away after they were injected.

no i will not write Keith’s epic soul journey maybe

alt name: All Chemical, That Fucker Oxytocin, Love is an Open Door jkjkjk, I’m Staying, but I wanted to keep with the pattern

References 1 2 3 4 5 6 they’re not scientific journal but hey, I’m not writing a paper in APA formatting.

Pidge said that love was all chemical.

Four main components: serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrine, adrenaline, and that absolute fucker called oxytocin.

Low levels of serotonin made the brain makeup remarkably similar to a person who has OCD, obsessing over the person you believe yourself in love with. What’s Keith doing? Is he safe? Is he happy? I miss his stupid eyes and his stupid hair and his stupid face. Is that person over there that looks nothing like him, him? No of course not because you’re fucking obsessed Lance.

An increase in adrenaline making for that faux feeling of butterflies in your stomach, anxious, jumpy, that dizzying but addicting feeling of being around that person. Honestly, it would be very scary, it’s reducing the blood flow to your stomach and bringing it to the muscles in case you need to take a punch or throw one. Maybe that’s why he felt to need to punch his stupid ass face.

Of fucking course a real kicker, an increase of dopamine and norepinephrine. Being with that person, seeing that person, seeing that person’s picture is a reward. A biological reward to keep coming back to them like crack. It’s a need to see them, elation, a drug, all happening in the mesolimbic dopamine system. Which is the best way to describe him right now, a druggie going through withdrawal who can’t get their next hit. From getting that high from seeing him every damn day, within arms reach, close enough to see, smell, and touch. Encouraging that damn reward system. All that lovey, feel-good shit gone, just like that. Nothing. Cold turkey. Withdrawal. He fell and now he’s crashing to the ground.

It all should wear off. He was told it always feels longer than it is. It might not be the end of the world but every time Lance thinks he sees him, or sees a knife, or the color red, it feels like the end of his world again and again.

It’s all chemical.

It will wear off soon. Biologically it has to. It’s easy, a venting of feelings and spending time with other people to forget about a certain someone is easy. For a few hours. The standing time of forgetting about him is getting longer, so there’s hope. Soon he’ll forget about him for an entire day hopefully.

But that fucker oxytocin.

The cuddle hormone. The commitment neuromodulator. The love hormone. The hormone that’s fucking him over. Because it’s been six months and he somehow was still hung up on the guy like some stupid prarie vole hocked up on oxytocin.

It’s all because of his fucked up brain chemicals made too much oxytocin.

He had fantasized on what he would do when Keith came back, if he came back. At first it was petty and saying hell no before slamming the door in his mullet-ed face. Then even his daydreams got desperate thinking he was going to come back and Lance would forgive him and they’d finally be together instead of…. whatever they were before. But those are exactly what they are, daydreams, fantasies, fiction.

Now his fantasies are cool and collected but still end with a stern hell no before a door slam to the face. He decided to embrace the petty. That’s what he is, why deny it.

Despite what he imagined he’d do if Keith ever came crawling back to his life, he never actually expected it. Which is why, when he answered the door he expected Hunk or Pidge, maybe even Shiro, Allura, or Coran. Never did he ever think that it would be Keith Kogane staring at him through too long bangs.

His heart stuttered to a stop and he’s ninety percent sure when he opened the door Keith punched him in the solar plexus because he didn’t have air. And his chest hurt. Just from seeing him in his damn doorway six months of work just flew out the damn window.

He did what he always fantasized.

He slammed the door in his goddamned face.

 He was at the door again.

The guy just wont quit. He’s trying to get over him, he can’t move on if he won’t go away.

He flung the door open, game face on in the presence of an opponent. “What do you want, Keith.”

His opponent flinched back slightly before determination furrowed his brow. “I just need to talk to you, Lance.”

“I don’t have anything to say to you.”

“You don’t have to! Just lis—“

“Eh!” He made a buzzer noise. “Wrong, I do have something to say.” He advanced on him, invading Keith’s personal bubble. “I said I wouldn’t be here if you left, Keith. Did you think I would wait for you like some goddamned puppy? No! I got over you.” He stepped back and started to close the door. “Just, go away, Keith.”

The click of the door gave him a sense of satisfaction.

 Lance shook out his umbrella as the bell chimed. Setting it in the corner to dry he started to unzip his hoodie as he walked up to the counter. He smiled at the barista. “Hi, Sarah, could I get small campfire mocha, hot, please?”

The brunette smiled at him and typed his order into the register. “Dark chocolate like always?”

He snapped his fingers and shot her a couple of fingerguns. “You know me so well, doll.”

She rolled her eyes at him with a soft smile. “Okay, three seventy-five.”

He handed her a five and when she handed him the change he dropped it into the tip jar. He moved to the side when a hand wrapped around his wrist. He sighed.

Keith.

It’s always Keith.

Over the past weeks he just kept showing up at his door to talk. Even if he kept shutting the door in his face, he left after his face met wood but now that he was around it made Lance even more aware of him. He always saw Keith popping up out of the oddest places. The grocery store, the park, and now his coffee shop. Each sighting a little prick to his heart, making him bleed out in little drops. Lance stayed strong but his pettiness has been worn away at like water on the shore, weathering the sharp points and leaving dulled tiredness.

“What do you want, Keith?”

“I want to talk to you, Lance.”

He shook off his grip easily and dragged his hands down his face. “Before my coffee? I just wanted my coffee, Keith, just my coffee. Now you’re here. God, why.”

“Because I fucked up.” His face twisted into something akin to desperation. He looked down and licked his lips. “Please, Lance. I want to apologize.”

Lance held up a hand. “No, no, you see? Apologizing will only make you feel better. It won’t fix anything, or go back in time, or magically make me forgive you; it does shit. They’re just words. Now, go away, Keith.”

He went up to the counter where Sarah discreetly left his drink and left. Forgoing the umbrella as the door clanged shut.

 Lance sighed as he trudged through the door. Dropping his bag on the couch to grab a bowl of soup Hunk left the last time he was there before vegging in front of the TV for a few hours. Juuust after a few episodes of Stranger Things he’ll work on his paperwork for his class. Who else would be better to teach those kids at the Garrison about alien diplomacy?

There was knocking on the door after the first few bites. Lance groaned. He set his soup down and flopped down on his side. Taking a pillow he tried to smother it over his head. It muffled the knocking but then Keith had to call out in the voice Lance only thought about since the guy left him in the dust.

“Lance, please! I know you’re in there! I can hear the TV! I just…I just want to explain.”

Lance just buried himself further into the couch, pillow obscuring his vision. Hearing his voice and knowing he’s actually there behind that door, it’s like someone is digging into a fresh bruise. Sore, painful, but the pain is strangely addicting. To just keep kneading at that bruise until that little pain was a constant throbbing, put the pain was worth the accelerated healing.

It became quiet. Lance could imagine him with his big violet eyes sad and limpid, hand against the door that won’t open. “Lance?” he breathed. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so, so sorry. I was really messed up, still am a bit, and I thought leaving and cutting myself from everyone until I figured it out was best. I was wrong. I mean, I was kinda right, I got help but I should’ve done it with you. I know you don’t want to talk to me and I’ll take a hint. I won’t come back and force you to do something you don’t want to. I’m sorry, Lance.”

Against his better judgment Lance jumped out from behind his pillow shield and ran to the door, jerking it open, but no one was there.

 A couple of weeks later and that oxytocin was still going strong, except ten times worse. Everything reminded him of Keith. Because, while he didn’t come by the apartment he was still there. Down the road, across the store, tantalizing close but so far out of his reach. The worst part was that he could have had Keith. It was his fault this time. The worst thing was that Keith was gone for good this time. Lance held out hope that Keith would come back, had fantasies on how he would slam that door in his face. There are no fantasies this time. Keith’s gone for good because he believed that Lance doesn’t want him to come back.

God are ex’s supposed to hurt this much?

Ha.

He’s the butt of that particular joke because Keith wasn’t even an ex. Everything was sluggish and grey. No dopamine or norepinephrine here. It was harder to concentrate, thanks to that serotonin, but everything just blurred in his vision anyway.

There was a soft knock on the door.

Lance sat up quicker than how Keith would threaten to cut him every time he left the toothpaste uncapped.

Keith?

Wrapping his blanket around his shoulders he scrambled to the door but pausing before opening. Don’t act desperate. Don’t act like you need him. Don’t act like you’re gettin’ next hit.

Druggie, his mind whispered.

He cleared his throat to open up to…nothing.

A throat cleared.

He directed his gaze down to see Pidge. First layer of hair and shoulders wet from the recent weather, smiling a half smile at him.

“’Bout time you opened up.” She shook her head so raindrops darkened the blanket draping his shoulders in splatters. “Are you just going to stare at me?”

Lance shook himself. “Yeah, sorry, Pidge.”

As she walked through the door he dropped his blanket on top of her head, before the liquid could soak through the rest of her hair. She scrubbed the blanket into her hair, turning into a dandelion mess.

“You weren’t at school again.”

“Yeah, well, I got Coran to sub for me.”

“You’re children are scarred for life now, Lance.”

“Nothing like good ol’ emotional scarring to improve character right?”

A deadpan look was his only response.

He scrubbed his hands over his face, feeling the slight bumps of acne from stress. “I’m sorry, Pidge, okay? I’ll show up to class, I just need a break for a while.”

She backed up until she met the couch and sad down, blanket in a damp heap next to her. “Is this about Keith?”

Lance stubbed his toe on the coffee table. “Fuck! Ow ow ow ow,” he rubbed his toe, “why would you think that?”

She kicked off her shoes before crossing her legs in that childlike way of hers on the couch. “Because he’s staying in town and went to everyone to apologize for going on a life journey to find himself?”

“But that doesn’t mean I would be effected by his stupid life-altering journey,” he said shaking out his foot.

“Well, you’re in love with him and lived with him so that has to count for something.”

“I don’t love him anymore Pidge. You’re the one that said that love was just a chemical reaction in the brain. It’s been a little over a year now, my brain chemistry is fine now.”

“Not from where I’m sitting, Lance. You’re still in love with him and you’re stupid pride is preventing you from forgiving him and making up.” She crossed her arms and shot him a look over her glasses.

His hand flew up. “It doesn’t even matter, Pidge! He’s gone, okay? I ruined it and he’s… he’s…” his hands fell to his lap, “he gave up. I made him give up.”

He could feel Pidge’s stare on him. Feel it boring into the side of his skull as she sat like a kindergartener. “What?”

“You…you honestly think that Keith gave up on you?” Her voice was incredulous and she was looking at him like he lost more marbles than usual. She got up on her knees and started thwaping him with the damp blanket. “You—“ Thwap! — “dumbass!” She dropped the blanket and collapsed like cut marionette into the cushions, mumbling that he was so stupid over and over. Finally she took a breath and said very slowly, with enunciation. “Has it occurred to you that he’s giving you space?! That he’s respecting your decision? That he still holds out the hope that you’ll seek him out? The ball is in your corner. He gave you the ball. He gave you his balls!”

Lance was speechless; it just kept rolling through his mind. He gave you his balls. He gave you his balls.

“He gave me his balls!”

“He gave you his balls!”

“Holy shit!”

“Aaaaahhhh!”

“Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!”

 After that epiphany it was a couple of days for him to sort out everything, what his feelings were, what he would say, what he wanted, what Keith wanted. Here he is, speeches cluttering his brain, with varied responses for whatever he might say. He had everything planned out from inviting him to dinner to talk and from the conversation that followed, after was more ambiguous. He had no idea what would come out of it.

All of those plans went out the window when he saw Keith in the window of the coffee shop on one rainy afternoon. Before he knew what was happening his feet were on the move and the bell chimed as he opened the door, drawing Keith’s attention.

His eyes widened when he recognized the person who opened the door, wet from the rain. He bit his lip and looked away and back, uncharacteristically indecisive, before settling on a small smile and turning back to wait for his drink. Like…accidentally seeing a coworker outside of work. Knowing them but not friends, and that knowledge settled like a rock in his stomach knowing that he’s a participant in that.

He took a breath and walked over, soft footsteps, until he was right next to him. Keith looked at him with those big eyes, alarmed but hopeful. “Keith, I—I’m ready to talk now.”

He nodded and breathed out a soft, “okay.”

Lance ordered and Keith waited for him at a table by the big window. The blue-green letters arcing above him. Watching the pitter-patter of the rain making patterns on the window. He sat down across from him, hands on his coffee, elbows off the table, like he’s at an interview.

“Kei—“

“I didn’t think you’d ever want to see me again.”

“Ah, to be honest, I didn’t think so either.” He shook his head. “I’m sorry, Keith, I was being petty and hurtful. I should’ve heard you out.”

Quietly, barely a breath, Keith said, “I shouldn’t’ve left in the first place.”

“I’m sorry,” they both blurted simultaneously. That brought a light chuckle from the both of them, leavening the atmosphere.

“Why don’t,” Lance started, “why don’t you go first.”

Keith nodded.

For the next several hours until the rain slowed to a drizzle and the grey clouds overhead darkened with the setting sun they talked about what the other missed, they confessed their fears and feelings, told jokes or reminisced on funny stories to lighten the mood again. In that coffee shop, in the rain, they slowly got to know each other again, going back to where they left off but with a new beginning. Still having an entire story ahead of them but hopefully with a new ending.

Lance traced the rim of his cup with a finger. “So, uh, are you staying?”

Keith looked him dead in the eye and said, “I’m not going away again, Lance, not unless you want me to.”

He couldn’t help but smile. “Good, because I don’t want you to. Go away, that is.”

Keith chuckled, shaking his head.  “I understand.”

When the door chimed but neither looked away from the other.

[i-am-very-very-tired]

Like most people my age, I found out that the American Health Care Act of 2017 (AHCA) had passed the House of Representatives via social media. My Twitter feed was filled with outrage about defunding Planned Parenthood and so my rage focused there, too. I wrote my representatives, composed a tweet of my own, decided to donate my time and money, and vowed that the next time I saw some old, white men protesting outside of my local Health Center I would give them more than just a dirty look. I thought that was the worst of it. But the next day, I saw #IAmAPreExistingCondition trending on Twitter, and after that, my entire outlook on the AHCA changed. As I scrolled through the tweets, it hit me that the AHCA could destroy more than just my reproductive rights. It could ruin my whole life. I had never had to deal with insurance issues like this before. I was covered under my mother’s insurance until I took my first job —ironically enough, working in a phone bank for a company that mainly denied appeals for Medicare coverage— and none of my health struggles emerged until months after I’d been hired. Too late for Blue Cross Blue Shield to hold them against me. When I switched to insurance I selected under the Health Insurance Marketplace in 2015, no insurance provider could deny me coverage, raise my premiums, or refuse to pay for benefits because of a pre-existing condition. The same held true when I became a Massachusetts resident in 2016 and applied for MassHealth. I didn’t even know how many pre-existing conditions I had. I panicked, googled “American Health Care Act pre-existing conditions,” and read everything I could find from reliable sources. According to The Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation, CNN, Time, Rolling Stone, New York Magazine, the Center for Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS), and NH Health Cost, I have 17 pre-existing conditions that, before the ACA took effect, insurers could have used as an excuse to refuse to cover me or to severely raise my premiums, including: ▪A mild-to-moderate alcohol use disorder. ▪Back pain. ▪Mental disorders, including: Mild agoraphobia. Anxiety. ADHD. Bipolar disorder. Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). Depression. Seasonal affective disorder. ▪Menstrual irregularities. Sleep disorders, including: ▫BruxismREM Sleep Behavior Disorder. ▪Trauma as a result of domestic violence and sexual assault. Oh, and I guess I should also mention that I’m into BDSM and being choked, as those are sexual masochism disorders listed in the DSM-V. Why? Because according to experts interviewed by Time, having a “sexual deviation or disorder” could be a problem. Considering the Vice President’s stance on LGBTQ+ rights, being a queer, gender non-conforming, polyamorous woman who often wears men’s clothes may also be an issue, especially since it’s in my psychiatrist’s files. This brings my grand total to 19 pre-existing conditions. If you count my sexuality, dating lifestyle and gender expression, that’s 22. Based on my family history, I’m at risk for three more—Alzheimer’s, breast cancer, and diabetes— and since I’ve applied for disability twice, that could also factor against me, according to Senator Sherrod Brown (D-OH). It can take no more than one of my medical conditions to disqualify me from coverage or to make my premium so high as to be unaffordable. Right now, I pay almost nothing for health care. I live in Massachusetts and qualify for MassHealth CarePlus based largely on my income; since I don’t make more than 133 percent of the federal poverty level ($1,305 a month), I don’t pay premiums or copayments. I haven’t had to enter treatment for alcohol abuse, but if I did, it would be completely covered. When I threw out my back (again) a few months ago, all my treatment was covered, and when I ended up in the hospital because the muscle relaxants I was prescribed gave me serotonin syndrome, I never received a bill. I see my trauma therapist and psychiatrist and attend group therapy for free, and when I went for four hours of neuropsychological testing to confirm my ADHD diagnosis, all it cost me was time. The same was true when I got an IUD (at Planned Parenthood, bless them), which I use for birth control and to eliminate my formerly monstrous periods. Are you getting the picture? None of my pre-existing conditions affect my life in any way because I’m covered by a system that’s essentially the same as the Affordable Care Act. The only costs I incur are for my six medications: Seroquel, two types of Depakote, Klonopin, Effexor, and Adderall. They each cost $3.65 per month, $21.90 all told. That’s the extent of the financial obligation to my health, apart from prescriptions for routine things, like strep throat (I’m prone to it) or UTIs and yeast infections. Even then, there’s some wiggle room. According to my MassHealth handbook, I never have to pay more than $250 in any given year for prescriptions and if I can’t afford a copayment, all I have to do is tell my pharmacist. Legally, they still have to give my the medication and the fee is “put on my tab,” as it were. Setup Timeout Error: Setup took longer than 30 seconds to complete. If I applied for insurance under AHCA policies and was denied, I would end up paying around $100 per hour for therapy, $125 to 285 per hour for psychiatry, about $50 per session for group therapy, and $588.42 for my medications (using a discount card). My basic mental health care costs would be $1,688.42 to $2,328.42 per month, hundreds more than I make. Even by cutting every possible cost (canceling my cell phone, placing the full burden of household expenses on my partner, and never spending a cent on clothes, personal care products, or other “extras”), I’d still come up short. There is also the possibility that, if Massachusetts adopted the AHCA’s guidelines, I would end up in a high-risk insurance pool, a state-created health care market for people who are especially sick or who were denied other health insurance coverage. The problem is that whereas “normal” insurance companies receive premiums from healthy people to cover the costs of the sick, no such offset exists in these pools. As a result, premiums and deductibles skyrocket, yearly and lifetime coverage costs can be limited, and what coverage there is tends to be inadequate. Even still, people end up on waitlists for this impotent insurance because there isn’t enough funding to meet demand. But let’s say I could afford a premium of $298.75 to $478 per month, a deductible of about $10,000 per year, and that I wouldn’t end up on a waitlist. Even then, I’d most likely be subject to a waiting period during which treatment for my pre-existing conditions would not be covered. As of 2013, Massachusetts’ group health plans allowed a maximum exclusion period —the period during which insurers can refuse to cover treatment related to pre-existing conditions— of six months, half a year in which I’d be paying that $1,688.42 to $2,328.42 a month, plus hundreds more for insurance that wouldn’t cover my basic needs. Since my treatment and medication would cost so much with insurance, I might even be tempted to go without—as I imagine many others in my situation would. However, Section 133 of the bill would almost eliminate any desire to get coverage if my financial situation changed; it forces insurers to increase premiums by 30 percent for anyone with a break in coverage of 62 days or more. Anyone with pre-existing conditions, especially those who also experience financial difficulty, would be practically legislated into debt, whether they chose to seek coverage or not. The state itself might not even feel that it’s worthwhile to make a high-risk pool. Section 132 of the AHCA states that in order to receive their share of funding to create these pools, they have to match federal funds “at a rate that grows from 7 percent in 2020 to 50 percent in 2026.” That probably has something to do with the AHCA also repealing the tanning tax and the Net Investment Income Tax, and would allow insurance companies to deduct employee salaries of $500,000 or more. Hey, the money to take care of sick people has to come from somewhere. But it won’t be from tanning salons that cause skin cancer or the richest 2 percent of the population. Certainly not from the insurance companies that pay next to nothing in taxes, anyway. My worries about the AHCA extend beyond my own health. My partner, to whom I’m committed in all but marriage, has often helped me financially. He works full time at a marketing firm and his paychecks are steady, whereas mine are sporadic. I pay any bills under my own name, but we negotiate rent, food, and creature comforts based on the state of my checking account. I mention this only because he has four pre-existing conditions of his own: ADHD, anemia, depression and hypertension, and has a family history of seven more: addiction, asthma, brain cancer, high cholesterol, obesity, sleep apnea, and ulcers. Although he receives health insurance through his employer, he’s still not safe. The mandate that large employers must provide affordable health insurance to their employees would be repealed under the AHCA, as would the penalty for large employers that don’t cover essential health benefits, like pregnancy costs and preventative medicine (not to mention the mental health coverage we both need). His company might decide to cut costs in one of two ways: by offering cheap plans that don’t cover essential benefits, or by offering expensive plans that do. Either way, his plan couldn’t deny or change his coverage based on the AHCA, but if we were to throw aside our choice of commitment and marry so I could be covered as his dependent, we might not be able to afford it due to my health history. If the AHCA were to pass, I’d be left in a precarious situation. Under AHCA policies, cost sharing for low-income individuals like myself would be gone by 2020, as would the premium assisted tax credit, which allows me to receive a return on the unused amount come tax time. The heightened costs of health care (or going without care due to those costs) would push my anxiety through the roof. I have already been admitted to inpatient psychiatric units twice for this reason, and, under the AHCA, I’m sure I would soon be back. According to the Department of Health and Human Services, there were 67 million women who met the narrow definition of a pre-existing condition in 2014, 8 million people in my age group (25 to 34), and 45 million Americans who qualified on the basis of a behavioral health disorder. I may be just one, but I am one among millions whose lives would be irreparably sabotaged by the American Health Care Act, a bill that treats the health of American citizens with anything but care. Liz Lazzara is an essayist and mental health advocate living and working in Boston, MA. She is currently working on a memoir about complex post-traumatic stress disorder.

[stephhannes]

dressed to anti-depress

in the last two years, i’ve spent a lot of time asking myself questions like “will getting a smoothie today cure my depression?” and “will cutting my hair cure my depression?” and the answer to both of those questions is no. but you know what will kinda cure depression? getting on anti-depressants. 

earlier this year, my mental health was…concerningly bad, and quickly getting worse. i’ve recently gotten pretty good at managing my depression on my own by setting strict boundaries for myself and sticking to them (no screens allowed in my bedroom, exercising every day, no drinking alone etc) but out of nowhere, my anxiety began spiraling out of control. (my doctor suggested it’s due to ‘perhaps, ptsd’). 

but basically, by the time february rolled around i was having a really tough time. i couldn’t enjoy being around anyone because all i could think about was the inevitability of their death. i’d get lunch with a friend and spend the entire time panicking because what if this was the last time i ever got to get lunch with them? i saw my cats and i immediately started sobbing because my first thought was “oh my god they’re going to die one day.” i had a tough time showering because i was convinced that i would slip in the shower and crack my skull and no one would ever know because i live alone. no matter what i was doing, i would find some way to imagine some sort of catastrophe occurring. i noticed that i was starting to develop compulsions- i would obsessively check my rear-view mirror when i was driving, i wouldn’t leave the house without pacing for awhile before i left. i was having a hard time completing tasks which then made my anxiety even worse. every upsetting thought i had felt enormous and scary and would send me spiraling. i couldn’t focus, my memory was getting really terrible. 

and it was exhausting. 

i’ve been putting off trying medication for years. when i was growing up, i remember this weird stigma about anti-depressants. the discourse surrounding them was always like “nah man, they make you a shell of a person. totally numb no emotions or personality anymore.” my parents just like…didn’t believe in mental health so i suffered endlessly in middle and high school because no one would take me to therapy or acknowledge that like hey, maybe my kid isn’t lazy, she’s just clinically depressed. when i was in college, i finally went to therapy for a little bit because it was free through the university. and that helped some, but i still wasn’t completely cured. 

when i moved to new york, surprise, i was still depressed. one of my friends was constantly in my ear saying “hey buddy, you might really benefit from anti-depressants” and i finally realized “actually, i think you have a point, it’s probably worth a try” but every time i’d bring it up with nathan he was super opposed to it and would always just suggest i do something like “get out of bed before 4pm,” or “eat better.” 

by the time we moved to philly i was hitting a breaking point. my anxiety was so bad that nathan hated being in the same room as me when i was freaking out because my vibes were just so wack. the problem was that i had no money, and no health insurance which really left me in a position where the only way i could get help was with nathan’s help- i brought it up kind of casually one day like “hey i really think i might benefit from therapy or medication” and he was like “actually, i think you’d benefit from getting a hobby” 

and then a couple of days later i had a total nervous breakdown and i begged him to help me. i’ll never forget sobbing and saying “i don’t know if i need medication or therapy or both but all i can think about any more is killing myself and i can’t just hobby it away.” and he was finally like “ok, we’ll look into it this weekend” and the next day i woke up with such a sense of relief because i was finally going to get help and i actually had a super productive day. i got some work done, i got a library card and checked out some books. i ran errands, i cooked dinner, i read an entire book. i was actually present in my relationship. i was excited to get my life and myself back. 

and then nathan literally died that night so y’know all of those plans were thwarted. 

and then i spent two years in a fugue state and then i kinda got my shit together and then a pandemic happened and blah blah blah whatever. 

and then we’re back at february 2021. 

after realizing that i had become such an anxious wreck i finally started looking into options. and there she was, an app that allowed me to literally just text a doctor and be like “hey doc im feeling sad :(“ and they’d be like “oh cool, here’s a prescription for zoloft lmk how ur doing in a month xoxo” and for the low cost of 30 dollars a month i have serotonin for the first time in 13 years. 

++

over the last couple of days i’ve been asked the question “what are you thinking about right now?” a few times and my answer is always the same- literally nothing. zoloft has my head so empty and it’s incredible. like, for once i’m not in my own head questioning every god damn thing i do. 

the other day, one of my friends was like “it’s actually enjoyable to hang out with you now” which sounds rude, but makes a lot of sense tbh- sometimes i’m literally just not fun to be around. now i’m fun most of the time- except for the window of time where i realize “oh god i haven’t taken my zoloft yet today” and i start having withdrawal symptoms. but otherwise, i’m great! 

it’s interesting feeling a sense of happiness that isn’t just a manic episode. like sometimes, i’m driving to work and i smile thinking about something one of my friends said earlier in the day. a big 180 from a few months ago when i couldn’t drive without my little beady eyes glued to the rear-view mirror. when i’m left alone with my thoughts for more than 10 minutes, they’re usually pretty decent thoughts, instead of the usual “everyone hates me and i am going to die alone."

i’ve also become a total boss babe- now that i’m not overthinking everything i’m actually able to do my job without an overwhelming sense of anxiety. i’ve always been capable and good at what i do, but for the first time i actually feel confident in my abilities. 

++

with a combination of taurus season being very generous to me and a year of Pandemic Realizations i feel like i’m actually a cool, functional human again (for the first time, even?). i’ve spent a lot of time filtering myself, toning down aspects of my personality to appeal to whoever i’m around, turning up parts of my personality to get attention, etc- and now i’m just out here like “ok so anyway this is me- you get what you get, you don’t throw a fit” 

surprisingly, people have been pretty receptive to that, it’s almost like i am a good person that is worthy of love and kindness or something. 

++

i still haven’t gone to therapy, but i’ve been able to work through a lot of trauma on my own over the last couple of months. i’m finally at a point where i can acknowledge the things i’ve been repressing for a few years without feeling like everything is about to collapse. in time, i hope i’m able to get to a point where i can actually verbalize the feelings i’ve been having, and the things i’ve been (kylie jenner voice) realizing- but i’m not there quite yet. it’s been a weird experience not spiraling every time i feel a human emotion. now i’m able to acknowledge things and be like “ok is there anything i can do to resolve this right now? no? ok then i don’t need to fixate on it” and i can push it away until i need to acknowledge it again. i used to be paralyzed by any sort of inconvenience. 

though, i will say, i’ve started doing this thing where i’ll be like “y’all mind if i share a genuine human emotion?” and then i’ll say something that i never would have dreamt of saying a year ago- generally something that insinuates that sometimes i do experience the human feeling of vulnerability. 

++

every once and awhile i do still get hit with the wave of “why couldn’t i have been this functional when i was with nathan?” guilt. i think that ties into a lot of the grief i feel over all of the years i lost due to my depression- and even more specifically the months i lost due to my depression when i first moved to new york, and again when we moved to philly. when i first moved to new york, i didn’t really leave the apartment for 3 months. i slept most of the time. there were days long stretches where i was just completely emotionally unavailable. and much like in my adolescence when my parents refused to acknowledge that maybe i needed help, sometimes i feel angry that nathan also refused to acknowledge that maybe i needed help. 

i spent a lot of time really agonizing over the fact that eventually i would be stable, and would eventually be a better partner to someone else than i was to nathan, and i think there’s still a part of that that exists in me- but i’ve found a little more peace with the concept. i’m thankful that nathan had the patience to deal with me when i was losing every last marble rattling around in my brain- but there’s always a part of me that’s like “damn, i wonder what our relationship would have been like if i’d been a little less unstable” 

++

you can really tell that my mental health has improved just by the trajectory that my close friends instagram story has taken. it used to just be me drunk and crying every night at 4am and now it’s thirst traps and girl boss selfies. 

there are still character flaws that are so deeply ingrained in me that i’m constantly having to be aware of and combat, but it’s a lot easier to do that when i don’t exist on pure anxious energy. everything i do is still very much informed by the deep-seated fear of rejection i have, but i’ve been trying very hard to start to break that down. it’s like an irrational fear. like ‘afraid to tell my friend i love them when i’m hanging up the phone because what if they actually just hate me?’ level. now my friends will literally call me back if i don’t say i love you before hanging up and be like “hey bitch i said i love you say it back” and now it’s becoming a little less terrifying. 

my inability of showing vulnerability definitely stems from that fear of rejection. look, it’s scary to be like “hello this is a tough thought i’ve been having lately do you mind unpacking it with me?” i know that if i were to say that literally anyone in my circle would be like “yea let’s do it” but just the concept that the option of them being like “nah that’s a lot” keeps me from saying anything. there have been a couple times in the last few months where i’ve stepped out of my comfort zone to acknowledge and unpack some of those hard truths though, so congrats to me or whatever. i’ve even been hugging my friends more often (which is saying a lot coming from a woman that has never hugged her best friend, still to this day). 

++

anyway, as soon as i start going to therapy it’s going to be over for these hoes because i’m gonna be hot and sane and probably unstoppable. 

[erinmansfield]

How Can We Grow Taller Incredible Useful Tips

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[jesseneufeld]

5 Reasons You Can’t Quit Sugar

Let me guess. You’ve been on keto for 5-6 months and enthusiastically thinking this is how you’ll finally wrangle your sugar cravings into submission! You’re loading up on healthy fats, avoiding grains, and ditching highly processed, high-carb foods. Yet there’s that incessant nagging. You know, the one that tells you that life is too short not to indulge in that giant Costco muffin or the more paleo-friendly version, another square (or three) of dark chocolate.

For a lot of people, including my own clients, moving toward a fat- or protein-dominant diet does the trick. You may have seen this article that Mark wrote earlier this year where he says “it takes two to three days of very-low-carb eating for the liver to start pumping out ketones” and that cravings will “decrease noticeably within three to ten days.” Research backs it up too, concluding that cravings are significantly reduced almost immediately as people get into ketosis.1

Things like sleep deprivation, chronic stress, and gut dysbiosis are also shown to cause cravings for a variety of physiological reasons. But let’s say you’re getting a solid 8-9 hours of uninterrupted sleep, your stress levels are under control, your gut microbiome is balanced — and you’re still struggling with cravings. Then what?

Why Can’t I Quit Sugar?

Cravings are often more psychological than they are physiological. Maybe you’ve noticed that too. Maybe you’ve noticed that you start to have cravings any time you have a stressful day or feel anxious or deprived or smell something that reminds you of your favorite snickerdoodle cookie from childhood. In my experience, these are the top 5 emotionally driven reasons you might still be struggling with sugar cravings:

1. Your Diet is Too Restrictive

Eliminating certain foods and food-like items like grains, sugar, and refined carbohydrates is a good thing in general. But being too restrictive — or perceiving how you’re eating as a diet can end up backfiring. In fact, this study shows a direct correlation between food restriction and cravings.2 Researchers looked at food cravings records of 52 women dieting to lose weight and 37 non-dieters and found that the dieters experienced significantly more food cravings, especially for sugary foods like chocolate.

2. Emotional Association

Cravings are tied to the brain’s memory center. From celebrating birthdays and holidays with sugary desserts to being rewarded with a treat for good grades, sugar has always been along for the ride. So, it’s no surprise that when you go to a party or achieve a goal, or even feel down, your sugar cravings might feel irresistible. Not to mention the fact that your hippocampus, caudate, and insula (areas of the brain activated by cravings) 3 are also in charge of housing your memories and experiences.

3. State of Mental Health

Australian researchers conducted a study on pandemic-related depression, stress, anxiety, and well-being and found that 79% of the participants were struggling with mental health issues due to COVID-19.4 If you’ve been dealing with a new routine, financial uncertainty, isolation, or fear, you might be feeling like your cravings are out of control and you’re turning to sugar to cope. As I’m sure you know, sugar consumption (temporarily) increases serotonin, 5 the neurotransmitter that regulates your mood. When you eat sugar, you feel happier, more connected, and less stressed out — at least until the sugar crash hits.

4. Current Rituals

Frozen junior mints at the movies. A slice of pie at summer barbeques. Checking out the dessert menu after dinner even though you’re stuffed. Your rituals and your environment  influence your behaviours (i.e. trigger you to search for something sweet).6 And if you have the ritual of consciously or unconsciously seeking out a specific food in a specific situation, you’ll begin to form the expectation that it will occur every single time you’re in that situation.

5. Past Trauma

The Mark’s Daily Apple article I referenced above struck a chord with a lot of readers, with many bravely sharing that they felt their cravings were due to a lack of love and emotional bonding early in life, and therefore a lack of the hormone, oxytocin. Because of this, they began to turn to other things to make themselves feel good, including sugar. Studies not only validate our readers’ experiences, they show the impact of oxytocin on everything from metabolism to chronic illness.7

Why It’s So Hard to Stop Eating Sugar

We’re taught early on that sugar equals love and that feeling “better” is as easy as snuggling a pint of Ben & Jerry’s on the couch. Sure, diving into the emotional side of good health can be uncomfortable, but it’s also extremely necessary if you want to get your cravings under control.

The more readily you can express and deal with your emotions, the healthier your mind and your body will be. In my 10+ years as a health coach, I’ve helped hundreds of men and women peel back the layers of their sugar cravings. And you can too. With the following strategies, you’ll learn that your sugar cravings aren’t something that need wrangling — they’re something that you can use to learn more about what you’re really craving.

How to Cut Your Sugar Habit: 5 Strategies to Stop Cravings

1. Add More Variety

A steady diet of grass-fed beef and local, organic veggies looks great on paper in respect to quality, but as mentioned above, might also feel too limiting for where you’re at right now. If you’re constantly dreaming of sugar-laden treats, take this opportunity to diversify your plate. By adding a variety of colors, textures, and flavors, you’re giving your brain and your body the signal that you’re having more, not less. And don’t forget to change it up now and then. Typically opt for ribeye? Try a salmon fillet. Love salads? Try grilled asparagus. Always snack on almonds? Buy some salted macadamia nuts. You get the picture.

2. Keep a Journal

You don’t have to write down all of your deepest, darkest thoughts, but I do recommend keeping a journal of when your food cravings hit — and this is the important part: what you’re feeling when they come on. Do this exercise without self-editing or judgement. Within a week, my guess is that you’ll start to see a connection between your triggers (which could be memories, celebrations, emotions, people, and places) and your sugar cravings. Research shows that having a practice of mindfulness can help you better manage the uncomfortable feelings that fuel your cravings.8 If you haven’t had the pleasure of tapping into your own awareness, this will be a game changer for you.

3. Ask Yourself What You Need

When you’re feeling stressed, anxious, fearful, or bored, ask yourself what you really need. A few bites of the donut in your kitchen or a quick drive through the Dairy Queen will work, but in reality, you’re just avoiding those uncomfortable feelings by numbing them with food. Be open and honest with yourself about what you need on an emotional level. It could be the comfort of reading a good book, the excitement of getting outside for some exercise, or just holding space to accept where you are in the moment.

4. Create New Rituals

Your past rituals influence your current behaviors, so why not spend some time creating new, healthier rituals? If the sound of dinner dishes being put away sends you running for dessert, think about other post-dinner rituals you could do. Maybe it’s a family walk around the neighborhood or taking a long, relaxing bath. By interrupting your patterns (when dinner ends I look for dessert) you’re able to develop new patterns that work toward your goals, instead of against them.

3. Do More Feel-Good Activities

If you lacked a sense of joy and connection growing up, it’s possible to increase oxytocin9 levels naturally (and reduce the desire to reach for sugar to feel good) through hugging, laughing, playing, and practicing gratitude. Other things like looking at photos of loved ones, singing, physical exercise, and support from family, friends, and our community here on Mark’s Daily Apple are also great ways to boost oxytocin levels. Emotional trauma of any kind can impact your habits and behaviors as an adult. And while a health coach can help you overcome certain obstacles, it’s crucial to work with a licensed professional trained to navigate these challenges 10 and help you move forward safely.

Do any of these reasons or strategies ring true for you? Anything you’d add? Tell me about your experience with emotions and overcoming sugar cravings in the comments.

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References

https://www.mdpi.com/2072-6643/10/10/1348/htm

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0195666312000219

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4114146/

https://www.mobihealthnews.com/news/research-reveals-people-s-mental-health-negatively-impacted-covid-19

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/302969772_Effects_of_sugar_rich_diet_on_brain_serotonin_hyperphagia_and_anxiety_in_animal_model_of_both_genders

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/habits-not-hacks/201408/want-change-your-habits-change-your-environment

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5868755/

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5435775/

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4290532/

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/coping-with-emotional-and-psychological-trauma.htm

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