#this is why i hate hate hate to watch shows that even mention neurodivergency because its always misrepresentation

[autismcultureis]

autism culture is reading a book with an autistic character (who was written by an allistic person) and just getting so angry that he's written stereotypically. ughhhhhhh

!!

[the-9th-genderfluid]

I finally got the digital ticket and bonus features of TGWDLM!

I got the digital ticket and bonus features for TGWDLM and will be putting realizations and stuff I like in this post so its gonna be a long one. A really long one. I'm sorry if this monstrosity of a post happens to cross your feed.

During the small bonus stuff:

I did not realize that the cast is truly that unhinged until the Kickstarter blooper real.

I do wish they had time to keep the clickbait/ top ten news site plot. It seems fun.

The Lipschitz name is from the landlord that was cut from the musical what? IDK what to do with this information.

The fact in the OG script, the meteor landed in a football field ( If Mariah's audition tape is to be believed) meaning the fan theory I once saw that the reason the hive mind sings is because its first victims were theater people so they were doing musical stuff so the spores thought that was how ppl acted on this planet would not work if the script had not changed that detail.

The Dracula arms becoming dabbing is great, I'm surprised but happy that it was not cut.

As a techie, the non actors dancing along in the corners is so accurate.

During the main musical stuff:

(Mostly not new things that the digital ticket version taught me, just me pointing out things I like, funny lines, etc.)

Paul and his autism face during the ted introduction scene

The small dialogue changes between the potshot on Youtube and the digital ticket are all very interesting. The first one I realized was Emma saying "please no come back." instead of "so mean." when man in a hurry says he will never buy there again.

Why does Paul look so awkward while Emma rants about her job.

Right as Lah Dee Dah Dah Day ends, you can hear a character saying "quick change quick change" as they run off stage. Cute and fun detail, I love it.

Legally required to mention the "think about the implications" scene. It is truly iconic. Are you frightened?

I feel like Emma would have a tumblr.

Kind of off topic, but they mention boardgames in the shrub scene, and specifically settlers of catan. I want to announce this is a settlers of catan hate blog, I would rather die than play it ever again. I am Paul hating musicals levels of hatred for that game. If you write anything positive about it, i will actually block you.

The entire alley/ trash can scene is amazing and I love it.

Paul constantly reeks of neurodivergent.

I may be ACAB, but god is Show Me Your Hands amazing and catchy.

Jeff struggling with props is my spirit animal, I am also chronically clumsy

As someone who was raised Christian, Ted's different denominations comment is so accurate to how some people act.

Iconic lines like kick your......head and fuck Clivesdale.

Paul and Emma's whole deep conversation about their childhoods and dreams takes place like two meters from Bill and Ted, and I always forget that because of the way it's cut but like it's funny to think about because it feels so personal, but the two guys are just... there.

Join Us (And Die) is horrifying. I feel like we need a musical where Jaime is the lead? I hear she is pretty vital to the Me and My Dick musical, I will have to watch that later I guess?

While Hidgens is pitching working boys, Ted is so invested, this is why you need to see both unedited and potshot of the musicals.

I love the references that aren't even references yet that the musical makes to NPMD and nightmare time.

I actually love the crack ship of the working boys polyamory theory.

The "should I take the chair?" "yeah and I will take the piano." bit is peak comedy.

I am not the first person to mention this at all, but Ted saying "I bleed red, white and..." *background turns blue* is so smart, bravo team Starkid.

I always cry at let it out, poor Paul.

I love the meta crowd thing the bows do, with Emma seeing the audience, even if its a repeat from Trail to Oregon, it's still good.

As a techie, I want to do lighting for TGWDLM sooo bad.

It's 2 am right now, and I have to decide if I finish this post tonight by watching the commentary video and editing the spelling errors, or if I decide not to fuck up my sleep schedule.

I decided not to completely fuck my sleep shedule, so it sadly took me a couple days.

The commentary video:

I actually don't have many comments after seeing the commentary video, but the things I do mention are long rants, mostly my own similar stories from the high school musical I did tech for.

Lauren hiding from her performance with a eye mask and earbuds is a mix of sad and funny. I hope she has more confidence now, because she is absolutely amazing.

Robert had tonsillitis?! God being sick while doing a musical sucks, half our cast and me had a cold or something for the show. I was right next to the camera because of the location of the tech booth, and so in the recording you hear me trying not to cough and failing for most of the show. I felt so bad.

People saying stuff about Melissa and obnoxious teen/hot chocolate boy surviving as a joke has me thinking thoughts because the actor that played Melissa played Steph, and hot chocolate boy ended up being Pete. IDK what thoughts I'm having, but I'm having them.

Jaime making props, without being asked, is so nice of her.

Omg, Jeff was sick too! That really sucks. The closest thing to a actually accident that would make us end the show was when we had a stage fall turning into a real fall because the actor was too dramatic. Damn theater kids!

Omg the megaphone stories are giving me flashback to the fucking piece of shit mics we had. Half of them would not actually work, one had to be constantly re adjusted and turned back on, the main girl's mic had way too much feedback, the other girl sang way too quiet and had a not great mic meaning you could never hear her, and for one performance, two of the actors somehow got mics mixed up and I had to spend so long switching channels to fix it. No one actually knows how it happened. I literally made jokes that someone must have walked the mic boxes under a ladder, opened a umbrella inside, and said Macbeth around them for how much of a pain they were.

Jeff despising the brain prop is great. Sometimes a prop is a stupid nightmare that you want to light on fire at the end.

What was Jeff doing to forget the main character's name? How did he land on Steve? He literally wrote some of the songs? I have so many questions.

Them not having the meteor prop until the opening day is terrifying to me, I would cry if that happened to me.

I want to reiterate my want to do tech, specifically lighting for this musical.

Ok that's all I have to say, I am going to go watch the musical again, bye babes, boys, and boomerangs

[beevean]

Call me a narc, but I generally feel as if the Twitter Takeovers have gotten increasingly more unfunny the more we got? I haven't even watched the last one, but it's the fact that the fandom takes everything they like and runs with it as if it's canon that bothers me... because "everything they like" ranges from dumb quips (Sonic liking Mongolian throat singing or hating Amy's shortcake despite neither having been shown in the games before ever, for example) to statements immediately seen as shipping (hi, Sonadow), to blatant mischaracterizations (I know we got the one ShTH advertisement with Shadow dancing but do you truly think he's gonna be singing and dancing at a concert?), to IDW being canon (Starline mention...), and everything inbetween. And now Amy's cards suddenly being her "hyperfixation", even though there's a million posts on Tumblr alone why a hyperfixation is not just a quirky synonym to "being deeply invested in a hobby". I don't know, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Of course they're just meant to be funny (unfortunately not forgotten in the grand scheme of things, because TMOSTH mentioned Shadow and his coffee bean thing, alas), but it feels as if the creators of the sketches think they are funny by mangling the characters and coming up only with the stupidest out-of-this-world nonsense that the fandom runs with it because it is stupid and out-of-this-world, you know? I want to like them, but... not like this, so to say. Not when the characters are not getting actual respect and the fandom becomes insufferable through it on top, if I may be blunt.

Real talk: Eggman gushing about Sage, literally saying that she is the reason he keeps existing, plus fans "booing" Sonic for laughing at such sappiness, makes me want to drink concrete.

bro. bro really. I thought Flynn confirmed that Eggman's appreciation for Sage is purely self-masturbatory? That he's only proud of her because she's such a big accomplishment and a testament of his genius? That Frontiers showing Eggman getting choked up at the thought of losing her, calling her "dear daughter" in a somber tone, and the DLC's new ending showing them holding hands, didn't mean that Eggman in that game had been warped to develop genuine fondness for Sage, and it was actually all as self-centered as Eggman should be? :^)

(also I don't get why he would love the Egg Salamander, of all things. Didn't he build it together with Nega? As much as I like Rush, it feels like a shoehorned reference for the sake of being semi-obscure.)

And even if, even if I accept that this is completely non-canon and for the sake of a joke... other fans won't. Because "everything is canon". Shadow canonically likes to eat raw beans. Amy is canonically neurodivergent (or she canonically misuses medical terms). Sonic canonically has nightmares about not being appreciated, which might I add was a scene deadass stole from Boom, the show that had no pretenses of being canon whatsoever. Eggman canonically adores Sage as his own darling daughter. Starline canonically exists in the gameverse. I canonically am done with this.

Honestly, from what little I've seen, this Takeover was so OOC and just unfunny that the concept has completely lost his charm. What's the appeal of asking question to the game cast, if the game cast simply doesn't behave like they would and they are twisted for the sake of memes and "how do you do fellow kids"?

oh and the shiptease is out of control. at one point amy talks about going at a concert with shadow which makes sonic jealous, in that "NO EVERYTHING IS FINE" way. this is literally 2000s-tier shadamy and the reason i to this day am sour about that ship. save me, save me, save me, can't face this life alone.

[joyce-stick]

Here's my review of Bang Dream! It'sMyGO!!!!! on Letterboxd which incidentally is the only review of it on Letterboxd at this moment and I feel unreasonably braggadocios about having been the first one to leave a review for this particular show on that particular website

Okay so you should read that now but also I kinda want to mention a few specific things that really fucking got me in the show.

Scroll away if you don't want to spoil yourself or whatever.

First of all-ly. The live performances were really good. They surprised me a lot in that they actually very convincingly sold these girls as inexperienced amateurs who don't know how to work together.

When watching it, I was expecting the girls' first live performance to go like, y'know, big perfect hyper-well coreographed CGI anime girl song performance, like is normal in this genre generally.

Instead, THIS happens:

At this, I literally laugh-cried so hard so much. Like, god damn, the major anime music girls franchise let its girls just suck at the music, like actually seriously for real, just suck. And then they bounce back and do perform properly of course and get into a groove with each other, and it's really cool and energetic and stuff but

ALSO IT SOUNDS WRONG.

Like, the sound mixing is done wrong, on purpose. The instruments overtake Tomori's voice just a bit too much to still get across that they have still prepared really badly for this and are kind of still doing this sort of badly and that makes it cool when they give a good performance anyway.

Anyway. Then there's the whole arc with Soyo and her being emotionally manipulative to try and get her and Tomori's old band back together. And she's genuinely toxic and acts like an angry ex-wife who can't accept that her ex-wife has divorced her

(I need them to hatefuck about it. I need a hatefuck doujin of them now.)

And I kind of love-hated Soyo this whole time for being so emotionally manipulative and seeming almost hell-bent on burning all the bridges she has left but well anyway the thing that got me later is after Tomori gets everyone back together with her song poem and they all cry it out

And she's like "why??? I was so terrible and I used you" but even still Tomori expresses that it doesn't matter and she still wants them all together and just

AND IT'S SOO AAAAHHHHH

And that got me just because. Just. Forgiveness is just a really powerful thing and it takes a lot to do it and it's hard but sometimes you need to forgive your friends when they hurt you for things to move forward better than before and more often than not that's a losing gamble but it's so worth it when it pans out and aaahhhhhhhh

Oh, yeah, and then there's the ending reveal that Sakiko has an abusive father.

We'll have to wait to see how that plays into the Ave Mujica anime but that also really got me. That was something

And also um

I liked the gay aquarium penguins

Okay so anyway um

I have nothing more of significance to say at this time.

There. There's media talk rant ramble for that.

So here's our links etc if you want to leave a tip for this one

patreon | ko-fi

[xxlethal-lunaxx]

"You're too old to be acting this way"

"You're an adult now, why do you like toys?"

"Real adults don't do (insert "childlike" activities)"

Ok?...says who? There shouldn't be an issue with liking cartoons or "childish" things. Especially when autistic/neurodivergent we don't believe or recognize social standards, What defines something as just a kid's show? Just because someone has an interest in cute things and cartoons doesn't mean its a bad thing. I didn't have a typical childhood, I lost most of my childhood by having to help raise my siblings and mediate my parents....I had to grow up fast and block out my emotions, indulging in cartoons or allowing myself to reclaim those lost years are not only healing but is also comforting to me. It's scary to know I'm an adult now and that somehow it's some sin for me to watch cartoons and like toys or dolls. I want to heal and feel safe, I want to do those things my younger self could only dream and wish of.

Lately I feel so conflicted because I've been getting more anxiety/panic attacks due to emotional flashbacks which can last me hours, I feel upset because I don't want to feel these emotions and I feel gross at myself for feeling like I'm my younger self. Idk how to explain it and its scary cause I never really experienced this at least not this much until now, I don't like when I mentally feel back in the headspace of my younger self and at times I am scared of my surroundings because I'll feel I'm in a unfamiliar area, I am alone in this because I know I probably sound crazy and I have yet to mention this to my therapist (but will soon). It's involuntary and I hate it because it will be scary usually and the only thing I can do to calm myself down is just do things I'd do at that age, so if I feel I'm mentally in the headspace of 8 then I'd just listen to music or do activities 8 year old me enjoyed. I feel I will be hated or even disowned because of this even tho I am not doing this purposely. When I am criticized for liking kid things it hurts because I am only trying to have and live the life I never really got. Anyway I am exposing myself alot by sharing this but if I don't get this out I feel I'll explode with another panic attack.

[heart-strong]

the list of men i have shouted "i love one man" to during the shows

1. my cat, not from a tv show, but i love this cat so much hes a pretty cool cat his name is kylo ren and has the facial structure of kylo ren and he really is the vibe

Sits around all day watching twitch streamers and anime with my sister all day and when I say all day i mean all day 10 am in the morning to 10 at night.

2. dr spencer reid

do i need to explain my whole blog was based on him for over a year. also he's just like me a small (i do still love him when he thickness in the later seasons) anxious bisexual nonbinary with a hyper fixation we decided to go to college for and no ability to do sports. Also neurodivergent and childhood trauma.

3. amajiki

this my hero acidemia boy just radiates the same energy I radiate. have you seen him in the entirety of season 5 episode 1 he is too precious for this world.

4. finn hudson

this man is just a giant dork, and glee was never the same I genuinely will rewatch his little expressions and one-liners during season 3 because it is so good. I mean go and watch season three of glee and watch Finn the whole time

I would like to say that kurt is my favorite male character but i am not sexually attracted to him.

but I will be a happy person if you just give me the hudson-hummel boys

5. leo roth

if you saw red band society you would understand but also he is sometimes a dick but i'm not anything if i'm not attracted to slightly toxic men

this man is so sweet and I just dream about how he would of grown if the show was picked up for a second season. if you havent watched red band society i recommend it.

6. stiles stalinski

ill point you to the god-awfulness that is season 6 of teen wolf dylan obrien and stiles made that show and i would like to cuddle

when this man is on the screen the eyes go to him and he is just so funny the show just got bland when he left and when he show up with lydia in those last few episodes it was perfection.

but also I would never take him away from lydia they are perfect for each other and I love them, can I have a threesome, please?

we also ignore the shit show that was the movie.

7. shoyo hinata

this little ginger fireball has my entire heart and I would like to lift him above my head for him to win even though it is definitely against the rules

8. Camoron Goodkin

yo stichers was this weird show that I didn't think anyone watched and then jake or logan paul showed up and I stopped watching but before that cameron was my everything. I have since finished it and feel the same feelings for cameron.

camoron goodkin has a heart condition just like me and it's actually kinda accurate and he had a scar like mine and the younger me was like “oh my god i can find love” because Cameron got a sexy blond and i wanted a sexy blond.

9. Bow

I love how he’s so smart and dumb at the same time. Also his shoe tread is little hearts I mean that’s everything. Go watch she ra all of the characters are adorable and I would take a fucking bullet for them.

10. nick nelson

I read the comics way before the show and then the show came out and I was a goner. he is everything and kit Connor deserves so much better.

11. the greys anatomy boys(and kai)

alex and mark are my everything. complete dicks, or you're supposed to hate them when they come in, and then you fall in love. even though mark comes in on season 2 his time felt so quick this time around I miss him. and alex, come on he's a peds surgeon who is amazing with kids and parents I can definitely understand why the single moms soon.

I'd like to also mention kai bartley but they are not a man but I still love them so much. and I'm counting it because they get to kiss amelia shepherd and I'd like to kiss amelia shepherd. but do not think that just because I'm mentioning them on this list it means I'm ignoring their identity because i am not. i'd just like another threesome or poly situation with them.

that's my last one for now. i might add later.

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

navigating fear of my impulses

thursday night I had two very triggering things happen

that for me usually force me into a state of disassociated stress

I'm learning how to get into a middle state of distance

where I observe and detach from the situation

but I still stay in my body and listen to what I feel

it's kind of like switching the points of view in a game or story

the first thing was talk of a man that comes to the bar

as having a rumor going around about him liking little kids

they even mentioned a relationship with a twelve year old

the topic of pedophiles and a child a year older than my oldest

had every hypervigilance siren going off inside me

and for the first time I felt the drop of my stomach

reminding me of my own trauma and I put a palm

right where it twisted up into a knot

I listened to the whole conversation but I didn't participate

I just let my eyes drift between the talkers and breathed slowly

I let myself feel and not judge the sensations

and when the conversation was over so was the issue

and now I know just to be a little extra careful

the guy had given me a weird feeling so it won't be hard

I left the bar around one something in the morning

and with the city lights had forgotten to turn on my lights

because in my new old car the lights are manual

and I'm still kind of getting used to that

since most of the cars I have had have had automatic lights

I noticed the police car remaining stopped at a green light

so I knew instantly that he was coming for me

I took it upon myself to go ahead and pull over

we didn't have to do the whole horse and pony show

I also realized with a stab of annoyance I'd forgotten to

switch over the plates and registration which is on my list

so he came over and asked me where I was coming from

and where I was going and I showed him my gps

when he asked why I was going the way was was going

and why I pulled over and to get my id and registation

I answered honestly that I saw him not moving at the green light

and knew of my registration and had the title to prove I'd

just gotten the car and he asked if I'd been drinking

and I told him I'd had a guinness six hours earlier at the time

I chose my first karaoke song and showed him the time stamp

at this point I was shaking because I'd never been in this

kind of situation and I didn't know if I'd done

something wrong but then again I'd been very intentional

about making sure there was plenty of time to metabolize

the drink and not to have more than one at the beginning

I was also thanking myself internally over and over

for saying no to that shot of fireball I was offered

luckily liquor makes me feel awful so I wasn't tempted

and the cop asked me to step out of the car for an impairment test

and I was so very terrified I was going to fail somehow

even though I knew without a doubt I was okay

second and triple guessing myself happens to be a

really hard habit for me to break in stressful situations

and this situation had me imagining scenarios of me

going to jail for a driving while intoxicated and that

would be such a lovely thing to have on my record

before whatever the custody hearing looked like

and because I was internally panicking

and absolutely sure I was radiating it like the sun

I told the officer to be very clear and direct

about the instructions because I was neurodivergent

and very overstimulated and scared because I had

never had to do anything like this before

and he was kind and did as instructed

he had me watch his finger and I begged my ADHD

to please for the life of me not get distracted

I might hate EMDR but this was not the time to show it

and I passed the test without a problem

and drove off with a warning for the registration and

all the stress hormones drained out of me while I

screamed every taylor swift song I liked the vibe of

it was one of the most stressful times of my life

and I've had plenty of them

and it made me realize it's not so much

other people that I'm afraid of

but I have this deep concern for my own impulses

because during that whole experience I was worried

I'd be the one to not do what I wanted me to do

or that I would be manipulated and not understand

until after the situation that I'd been deceived

and made to do something I wouldn't normally do

but I'm pretty damn intentional and observant

I guess even cops aren't used to my ability

to predict what's going to happen based on context clues

but still somehow not quite see what's right in front of me

don't worry it's fine because I'm confused about it too

but I'm learning how to see things more directly

and I handled that situation in peak stress mode

smoothly and assertively and even spoke my needs and feelings

and he had the power to not listen or manipulate the situation

this concern over my own impulses doesn't stem from me

because I have a near obsessive monitoring system

of my behaviors and actions due to a history of neurodivergence

so it's going to be interesting as I let go of this fear and need

I have to over-control my responses in situations of conflict

I haven't gone too far yet and I've had plenty of reason to

[the-lark-ascending69]

Oof i have seen a few

That they wouldn't stand each other because Nancy would be always annoyed and Robin would be always worrying that Nancy hates her. Did we not watch the same show??

On a similar vein: that fanon ronance, in which Nancy is endeared by Robin's ramblings and whatnot, is cute, but "we already know what Nancy is like with Robin in canon". I'm sorry but Nancy was annoyed with her One (1) time. As the season goes you can see Nancy trusting and relying on her more and more, choosing her over everyone else, looking out for her and comforting her when Robin needs her to. Whatever seemed to have annoyed her at first she now just finds amusing, as you can see when she tells Steve "she did say it took her longer to walk than all the other babies", a fact Robin mentioned after saving their asses at Penhurst and proving her competence - the point is that Nancy didn't say that because she found it embarrassing or pathetic because she clearly thought Robin was smart and competent and treated her as such. She smiled giddily when Robin's plan worked at Pennhurts, looked at her with pride, hi-fived her and then continued to keep her by her side. She clearly has no problem comforting her when Robin is scared, either. My point is that some people seem to shut down their brains whenever none of the cishet white boys they like to pretend are gay aren't on screen and don't register Nancy Wheeler looking at the fucking camera and saying "this is my friend Robin we are friends officially" like wdym they wouldn't get along they are literally already friends canonically and think the other is cool and smart. They already get along why pretend they don't. No one has to like ronance if it isn't their thing but its irritating that they negate canon just to hate on their Notp. Just say you don't enjoy it and go 😭😭

Obligatory mention: Nancy broke Steve's heart and Robin wouldn't like her because of it etc etc bros over hoes and whatnot. Do I even need to explain all the different problems there are with that? Possibly the one that bothers me the most is the idea that Robin and Steve should be held at the same standards when it comes to "the bro code", when Steve is a conventionally attractive cishet boy and Robin is a (possibly) neurodivergent lesbian in the 80s. She has everything going against her, all the cards set her up for a life of fear, repression, secrecy and loneliness. It'd be ridiculous to expect her to throw away what might be her one shot at happiness because of the "bro code". Not to mention the homophobic, misogynistic implications of whole idea etc etc there are just too many problems with this take.

That every "ronance scene" can only be interpreted romantically if taken out of context. 1) that's like shipping is like sometimes. It's called crumbs. That doesn't make a ship less valid. Yes ik Robin was smiling at Nancy in the boat because she ships stancy and was enjoying the stancy crumbs. Do I care? Nope. I have the freedom to imagine she was looking at her with yearning and longing because I'm here to have mindless fun. Don't take it so seriously. And 2) it's not true that ronance can only exist in out-of-context shots, in fact shippers usually take into account the whole trajectory of their friendship: at first Nancy doesn't like Robin, then she realizes Robin is smart and competent and slowly warms up to her as she realizes how intelligent she is, to the point she has her tag along everywhere she goes despite having other people she could choose. Their relationship very clearly goes like this: working together because no one else was available -> working together because that experience showed them that they make a good team. They ARE shippeable in-context.

That it's somehow more "ethically superior" to ship a lesbian character with the girl she has feelings with, regardless of the lack of development, than shipping her with a straight girl (they want to feel morally superior soooooo bad lmfao idk why they can't just say it's not their thing).

A new favorite of mine: that Robin would resent Nancy because she took her best friend from her. And to that I say: yes!! She would!! In fact, I consider this lack of resentment a missed opportunity in S4. S3 Robin was resentful, obsessive and jealous of Steve over... her crush being obsessed with him. I get that it wasn't just that - she was probably angry at the injustice of society etc etc, with Steve being a simple example. If she was like this - for years!! - when it came to Steve, I can't imagine how she'd act with Nancy, after her best friend chose Nancy over her! Imagine the drama, the tension - aaaah how I wish we'd seen that. Though I think those people see their argument in a different way from the way I see it, because I actually think it adds spice to early stage ronance. I think it adds some delicious conflict and now I desperately need a 40 chapters long fanfic about it. But they see it as a reason to dislike ronance, because "Nancy was the beginning of all her insecurities" and whatever. After watching Do Revenge tho, lesbians played by Maya Hawke being violently obsessed with the girl who caused all their mental health problems in childhood is my new favorite thing and I actually think it's pretty hot.

That Nancy is straight (lmao)

ronancers, what's the worst take about ronance(rs) you've ever heard?

mine personally was that ronancers give off a "terfy vibe"

[grem-ghost]

today wasn’t a great day and it just … felt off. tw// mentions of depression, anxiety, adhd / suicidal - self harm thoughts

i genuinely never know how to explain any of this. work was work and that wasn’t surprising, but i felt an episode creeping up on me for the entirety of my shift and it worried me. it really did. i’m really really bad at letting people know i have yknow … diagnosed mental issues and so having a breakdown at work wouldn’t be ideal because i would have no choice but to hide it. it wouldn’t be the first time either. i try to always be that person who tries to help others understand what mental health means and what it’s like (both for people who are and aren’t neurodivergent) but it always ends up feeling like when it comes to myself, i just get…

i just get mad at myself for not understanding why i feel the way i do. and again, it’s ironic because i literally spend all of my time showing my friends and others i know that it’s ok to not understand why you’re not doing ok. it’s always been this way and it makes me feel more broken than i already do, tbh. like as if it’s a voice in my head that’s telling my neurodivergent brain that it HAS to be neurotypical. i HAVE to be normal. i’ve never been okay and i’ve had this problem for years but it never stops feeling … new, yknow? like it’s been there for half a decade or more yet it’s like it just started happening when i know it didn’t.

i also had self harm thoughts hit me full force. i’ve been feeling slightly suicidal recently (because of a lot of things i don’t want to go into right now) and having those add on wasn’t fun, even if it was half-expected. without describing anything obviously, i just felt trapped. like the only way to prove i was in control was by doing those things when i didn’t want to. i didn’t do anything or break my streak, but i hate when they come back. i felt myself start to shut down mentally, which also happened a few days ago and i went non-verbal again. it never lasts for the same amount of time each time it happens, but i literally shutdown and lose the ability to speak. it’s not like my mind shuts off completely, but any energy i have goes away and it’s like … having to ask someone for permission to speak. i don’t know exactly how i’d describe it. i still don’t understand 100% what i feel when one of those episodes occurs, but i just lose all ability to speak or move even though i am very much conscious and aware of my surroundings. it’s also like i’m not. the most recent episode that lasted a long time left me in a state where i couldn’t speak or move and i knew where i was and what i was doing. but i have little memory of it.

again, it’s incredibly difficult to describe what this feels like. i was watching a youtube video and i could give you the name of it, but i don’t remember what the video was. like i genuinely remember sitting there watching it, but the video didn’t process in my brain. like my brain just… couldn’t.

i don’t know what else to say, tbh. for anyone who might ask, i am an adult and can go see a doctor to get medication and all that jazz, but i’m broke. literally broke and all i can actually do right now is trying to fix that. as fast as possible for OTHER reasons besides doctor. i want to be medicated and i want to control this stuff, but it’s not possible right now. which sucks.

anyways, thanks for reading lol

[archive2394934]

About to share some more of my cringe with you all in regard to two different “discussions” I’ve had with folks on my writing blog about Henry / Vecna, etc because he gave me mental illness. This post is going to be messy, again because I’m too lazy to reformat it but I’ll try my best to make sure its readable. Another dumb rambly post for the Henry Creel fandom only tbh.  

First, an analysis of Henry’s actions surrounding Eleven leading up to the lab massacre, prompted by an anon I got who was discussing the fan-theory of Henry possibly being Eleven’s father and said anon saying they think Henry’s more of a “gr*omer”. 

I guess it really comes down to whether or not you believe Henry was just trying to manipulate her. I personally don’t believe he was and I think it makes more sense that he wasn’t- or at least his moments of manipulation were not as self serving as people think. I think there's a lot of evidence for this but particularly here are some key moments for me: When we see Henry is “punished” for stepping in and trying to help Eleven, Henry’s reaction to the punishment of Two, Henry’s reaction to Eleven offering to help him in return and the scene with Eleven and Brenner in “papa.” 

Like, for me, there had to be a trigger for Henry suddenly escalating in his efforts to help Eleven. If you think about it he’s been there for twenty years, he’s presumably had casual contact with Eleven for about nine of them and while he might have always felt a sense of kinship with her he only started going out of his way to help her at a specific point in time. Like, why? Henry claims the trigger was that he over-heard Brenner and his associates planning to “allow” the other children to attack Eleven and potentially kill her.  [ And I want to point out that it seems suggested to us that Brenner was doing this because he wanted to test if Eleven was a worthwhile subject or a dud. Eleven seemed to show a lot of potential in her one-on-ones with Brenner, but when she was in group settings around others she was unremarkable. We can gather this from the way the other children isolate and mock Eleven. This is kind of also an indication of neurodivergence for me with Eleven.] 

We see this did actually happen. So Henry can’t have been lying about that. Its noted the cameras were mysteriously turned off during the time Eleven was being attacked. I also think the camera’s being off had to do with Henry’s own assault. He was taken into one of the test rooms and had the hell beat out of him while Brenner watched. Why? What where they doing that for, it couldn’t have been ethical or something you want to record for everyone to see. What did Henry say or do that made Brenner decide he needed a pummeling? Obviously he interfered in a way Brenner didn’t like. He might have even spoke against Brenner’s plan to let the other subjects ambush her. They may have been beating him so he couldn’t intervene. Because, like, while Henry was going through this Eleven suddenly gets jumped by the other test subjects who were let out of their rooms for some reason at the same time. Henry can’t be lying because once again his version of events is shown outside of his own POV. Eleven didn’t fight back and survived the initial attack, and Brenner “punished” two further exasperating Two’s hate for and competition with Eleven which could easily escalate things further. Henry mentions Brenner was manipulating the other subjects so its likely Two was receiving signals to encourage him to hurt Eleven outside of just being shown up by her and I completely believe Eleven was at risk of being attacked again and possibly killed. I also think the way Two acts in the scene leading up to his punishment kind of suggests he thought he was doing the right thing. The way his demeanor instantly changes from kind of proud to fearful and confused the minute Brenner reprimanded him was interesting to me. 

As far as Henry goes the canon seems to show that Henry tried to guide Eleven toward success because he empathized with her as a lonely child who was mocked and isolated from others which we saw. He straight up tells her she reminds him of himself. We know Eleven is mostly on her own. Shes shy and she lacks confidence. The other children make fun of her. We saw all that.  Henry empathized with this and wanted to help her with her powers but he realized this was a mistake because Brenner saw the test subjects as lab-rats first and humans never. No one was exempt to this, no matter how talented they were. Showing talent didn’t mean safety and Brenner makes a point of emphasizing this in the scene where he “punishes” Two. You can see Henry’s reaction to this is one of fear, discomfort and concern. This resonates badly with Henry, probably for a lot of reasons but we def get to see that reaction out of him for a reason. It backs up a lot of things, particularly what he said about wanting to help Eleven but only making it worse. In the test scenes previous to this we DID see Henry helping Eleven and if you pay attention to Brenner whenever he is in the room with Henry, Brenner is noticing Henry’s “friendship” with Eleven as well and as a result he starts taking a greater interest in Eleven himself. ( I took pics of the scenes here for y’all to see what I mean ) 

So to me this means Brenner saw the potential in Eleven thanks to Henry’s attempts to help her show this in a way without having to hurt her. Brenner’s approach however was to force more out of her so he could study it further. This doesn’t seem off to me with all of Brenner’s other behaviors and the characters general MO. And as a side note I think its interesting that in the scene where the children are undergoing testing Brenner gives conflicting advice to what Henry gives when it comes to harnessing their powers. Henry tells Eleven to use emotion, Brenner advises against it but off tangent a little, I plan to kinda go over that bc I think it links a little to my theory about the mind-flayer but for now I think it empathizes how Brenner’s approach to guiding the children with their powers was very clinical- meaning he’d see nothing wrong with creating a stressful/high pressure environment to force a subject to react in a way that might draw those power’s out further for his own goals. He was a psychiatrist and a scientist after all. That was ahead of everything else. I also think it shows that while Brenner wanted to see “power” from the subjects, he also didn’t want them to be too powerful and he surely didn’t want them to know how powerful they could actually be. By putting Eleven in a situation where her survival instincts are forced to take over, Brenner can force a lot out of her without Eleven having a completely concisions knowing of how and what gave her that power boost. Therefore Brenner gets what he wants, but keeps his test subjects in the dark of their own power and the way to access it, thus keeps them manageable. Henry on the other hand worked out exactly how to channel his powers, formed his own sense of self, and thus he is the only one who has been implanted with soteria and deemed a “failure” to Brenner despite Henry remaining the one subject with the most power and potential. 

But anyway, Henry literally risked his life and wellbeing to help Eleven. He escalated from just reassuring her and giving her tips and standing up for her, to full-blown trying to break her out of the facility. Which are the other key parts in figuring out whether Henry was always just manipulating her or he was genuinely trying to save her like he says.

I mean aside from Henry’s own reaction of hurt and confusion when Eleven accuses him of tricking her which I think is also something to consider and that seems to be overlooked to me. Like why did he react with such hurt/confusion if he’s an emotionless monster who planned all of that? Wouldn’t his reaction to this accusation be more of a “lol u got me” instead if that were the case?  Henry literally takes Eleven to a place she could escape and sends her on her way. He doesn’t try to stop her, he reassures her that she would be okay and not to be afraid. If Eleven never offered to help him return what would he have done? Stopped her and told her not to go? Literally all Eleven had to do was say “thanks” and crawl into the tunnel as Henry instructed. That seems to be a huge gamble to take if this was all a super carefully planned manipulation and all he planned to do was use her to facilitate his own escape.

Eleven has a good heart and she assumed Henry had to leave with her because he was in extreme danger himself which is the other thing. Henry had no way to know Eleven saw him being tortured which is what ultimately swayed her decision to help him back. He doesn’t make it about him though, he makes it about helping her, its Eleven’s idea based on what she saw to help him in return, something Henry didn’t know about until he had already put HER escape plan in motion. 

And of course he takes her offer to help him because why wouldn’t he? Theres no reason he wouldn’t jump at the offer when given to him but theres no way he would know how she would react. Like I said all she had to do was say thanks and crawl into the tunnel. Its an insane gamble to take if it was all just for his own means imo and therefore doesn’t add up.  Further, his reaction to the offer came off to me as one of surprise but also an extreme giddy sense of elation to finally be presented with a way out of that nightmare for himself. Something I really think he had probably given up hope of until that moment. For me almost every single thing Henry said to Eleven rings true. From his monologue about how she was nothing but a animal to Brenner and that he had saved her by doing what he did, to him telling her he was glad she was born and that he believes in her. It really seems to me that everything Henry did he did to help her just like he said. Any manipulations in Henry’s actions seems quite minor and well meaning in the grand scheme of things. 

Honestly, in a lot of ways Henry parallels Brenner. They are extremely similar in their behaviors but I think Henry becomes an inverted parallel of Brenner as a twist here due to his intentions being much more genuine and benevolent than Brenner's actually were. And I think the scenes in the ep “Papa” emphasize this. Initially, Eleven believes Henry is the monster. She was so young and at the time of their confrontation, Brenner and the other test subjects were the only family she knew. She rejected the truth Henry told her about Brenner not really caring about her but with every experience she’s had since then she starts to realize maybe this was true even if she doesn’t want to at first. In the episode she initially accuses Henry of being the monster, she’s even angry and confused as to why Brenner would allow someone like Henry to be around the children in the first place but throughout the ep this thought process breaks down and she begins to see through all Brenner’s gaslighting and  lies and excuses, and starts to believe that no, Henry wasn’t “the monster,” at all, Brenner was. 

Henry was ultimately right about everything like it or not. And Eleven tells Henry that he isn't the monster in the piggyback episode. The big tragedy is this realization and validation has come far too late to reach Henry now because overall Henry’s now a supernatural terror who on an absolute mission and Eleven’s still a confused child who has stepped up from being a lab-rat to a super-hero and it turns out that's not the upgrade everyone wants to think it is.

Next I was asked about what I think the clocks have to do with Henry/Vecna by another anon saying they didn’t understand what they had to do with anything basically. 

My interpretation of the clocks is BASCIALLY that Henry is very much not a fan of social constructs. Keeping in mind that Henry’s time of living was 50s-80s. If you think the world is an oppressive shit hole now boy do I have news for you; it was a thousand times worse in Henry’s time. Its largely due to social constructs that Henry suffered as he did, as someone who was an outcast to social norms and was unable to completely conform to societies ridged view of right and normal because ists and phobes are still a thing now, they were a lot worse then. “Time” represents humanities greatest social construct of all and clocks symbolize time. Moreover, Henry would practice his psionic abilities on the grandfather clock that existed in his childhood home. He would use his mind to wind the hands back and forth as he wanted. This was a big moment for Henry in my HC because it was the first time he was able to consciously and purposely manipulate a “physical” thing with his powers and also it came with the realization that he could essentially check out of societies expectations of him because he had powers unlike anything else in society.  GOING DEEPER AGAIN, I view the clocks as also symbolic of Henry’s imprisonment. He was trapped the Hawkins Lab for 20 years. He spent 20 years of his life just waiting for that nightmare to end. He didn’t know how the end would come, he didn’t know if he would grow old and die or if he would be killed, or if something miraculous would happen and he would be freed somehow. MY personal interpretation that I’ve got going on until canon tells me something different says Henry was trapped in a place where clocks and lights were a conduit to reality, to the real world, the world outside of the lab. In that lab, time was all Henry had. Both things have become symbolic to Henry as a result.

The same remains true of his time as Vecna in the upside down. He spent yeas wandering the Upside Down alone before he was GIVEN a way to get back to Hawkins.  Merging Hawkins with the upside down kind of represents a sort of a “propaganda of the deed,” but in a way that seems true to the horror genre with the aesthetic kind of being that's he’s become an agent of doom, he’s heralding in the “end” of the world (as it currently is) in which an “end” is considered the furthest part to the flow of time and therefore can also be represented by a clock. Each victim brings him closer, each victim is symbolized by the chiming of the clock. Four being the magic number might also be symbolic of the four points of time/day: Morning, afternoon, evening and night. I mentioned before, in my POV, a lot of Henry’s manifestations as Vecna are symbolic to him on a very personal level. He’s walking psychological horror, and he very much represents PSTD, depression and trauma, abuse, suicidal tendencies, etc and these were intentional themes outside of canon and most of them are things Henry suffered himself in canon. Things that had an emotional/mental/physical impact on Henry as a human are repeated and projected outwardly through Vecna and Vecna’s “curse” in a supernatural way.  Like you said the spiders are obvious but THIS is how the clocks factor into him in my opinion. Like the spiders they mean something to him on a personal level as well but everything that meant something to or impacted on Henry has  become symbolic to him and turned very twisted and ominous as Vecna.

ANYWAY I hope that made sense! I’m not saying its COMPLETELY canon but its what I’ve been reading from canon so far. In conclusion imo: Henry/Vecna is not just a senseless monster: he’s the radical leftist activist that turns to terrorism to make the centric protagonists look good: Horror genre edition. Literally he’s the horror genre’s version of M*gneto or Erik Killm*nger. Its a hill I guess I’m gonna have to die on.

[indra-istari]

Thoughts While Watching Every Ninjago Season (s1 edition)

(excuse my spelling i did most of this while tired)

Episode 1: Rise of the Snakes

The intro is good, specifically the music but the end card makes them look like a sitcom family

these seasons go through cycles of being unable to do things competently and being op

ooo Lord Garmadon

That is a fucking child, an annoying one at that.

I love how the fake snakes sound like a

What's a wife's tale? Why do only wives have tales?

Publicly Humiliates Child → Child Becomes Evil

Oh, Green Ninja prophecy

The Green Ninja prophecy will cause internal conflict within the team

"no one has ever found the tomb of a serpentine tribe" Lloyd *finds one almost immediately after being tossed out of a village for pretending to have control of the serpentine

Ah yes, they are going to use their extremely powerful weapons that can literally rip apart the world for sparring

The old man yells at them

Now Lloyd has actual serpentine, they have mind control powers too, funky

Spirit Smoke? Never mention that ever again

Kai is a Serpentine denier, how tf does Nya know that the antivenom is in the staff?

Zane "we can't use our golden weapons" Zane *uses golden weapons*

That dude who tried to control Cole is going to cause problems later

Teach us! Teach us! these idiots are stupid

I was right, Cole's partially mind-controlled

Episode 2: Home

The rest of the Ninja after saying Zane is weird because he laughs during sad movies.

Do they have Fan Mail?

Oh Zane's an orphan

Oh that snake guy is named Scales, that's stupid as fuck

"Snakes don't belong in trees"

Bird!

"If I see one girl in here, I'm going to go ballistic" Lloyd is in his woman-hating arc

Zane's arc rn is just Neurodivergent in a house of Neurotypicals

Cole's mind control is a problem.

Jay almost pulled a Peter Petrelli

So they decided to not leave anyone behind to guard the monastery? idiots

They have no home.

They decided to blame Zane for destroying their homes even though he couldn't have known the snakes would go for the monastery.

The snakes are fighting for command of the tribe

Scales got wombified

I miss Zane. Zane! No Zane! *Zane shows us*

He found a fucking sky boat

Lloyd is stalking them

Episode 3: Snakebit

Wake up call is "Evil doesn't sleep so you shouldn't"

the Chore episode

Using their powers to clean things

"He hates it when we tell people he was born in a junkyard"

God, I hate parents episodes

Ed is the name of my dead uncle.

Which ones are these? oh the vampire snakes!

Lloyd is an annoying motherfucker

They have hotel Transylvania vibes

oh his parents are here, which means they are going to die.

They chew on machines and the machines turn into snakes

Jay has a crush on Nya and Nya is Kai's brother

They are migrating? of course, dragons are so unreliable

"Hello Uncle" Lloyd is so annoying

I think Nya is going to be the green ninja

Their weapons can turn into vehicles??

"Does your flute turn into anything? *looks at flute* "I wish"

The boat can fly

The staff slid out of the cabin and off the ship into the Vampire snake's hands

Episode 4: Never Trust a Snake

Zane is having a Dream

Lord Garmadon!

Green Ninja is Kai?

They are punished by training more

Scales and the Vampire Snakes are friends?

Green Ninja has all of their attributes so Zane's dream is pointless in the context of finding the Green Ninja's identity

Lloyd is going to the Anacondrai place and he met a British dude

This British snake guy is sus, he wants to eat Lloyd

We both have no friends? Cool! Let's be friends!

A stupid child is going to break the world

Boarding school time.

Lloyd is paranoid

elevator music

SNAKE BETRAYAL

THE SNAKE DISAPPEARED

L for Lloyd's bowl cut

Episode 5: Can of Worms

I bet Lloyd is messing with everyone

I hate children

Zane is pink

Why does Kai hate Nya so much

smh they are flirting

"But this is the mountain of a million steps

They just went inside but there are snakes on the loose

Snakes say Musicians dni

Uh oh

Kai's worst fear is gingerbread clown elves

They are gonna die

That red bitch after knocking tf out of the ninja after saving them

Kai is high

They are stupid as hell

skydiving without a parachute

Zane is still pink

Scales knows he knows, he knows

Let us blow this popsicle stand!

Ice vs snake, Ice wins

Fridge snakes

Episode 6: Snake King

a lost city?

Damn that's a big city

Green Ninja arguments

Lloyd gets the box

The samurai did their job for them

Sensi Wu loves Ferris wheels

They are all fucking stupid

Kai is being an older sibling to Lloyd

That child is sneaking into snake town

Lloyd fucked up

they didn't realize that Lloyd is missing

idiots walked right into a trap

They are fighting the samurai

Creation tornado

The samurai just saved them big time

Mans got the golden weapons

Kai's separated

the samurai is Nya?

They just let Lloyd stay there with Pythor

AYYY Kai!

Sensei Wu Knows

Episode 7: Tick Tock

Zane is sitting underwater petting fish like Percy Jackson

Oh they are True potential

L for Lloyd

Sensi Wu is off to find "someone who can help"

Snake politics

Kai is just like 'he, she samurai"

The bird!??

really good music for literally no reason

slowly, everyone is leaving and it will only be Zane

Kai isn't giving up

THE FALCON IS A ROBOT??

ANOTHER ROBOT?

That tree is a house

many stairs

ZANE IS A ROBOT???

Sensei Wu is buying tea from a mean old lady

Wait if Zane is a robot how does he use spinjitzu

oh a memory switch, how convenient

Zane's creator died

The Queen!

Zane is op

The snakes are plotting

Sensei Wu is doing some weird tea ritual

LORD GARMADON???????

Episode 8: Once Bitten, Twice Shy

Of course, Jay is wearing perfume and Nya is allergic to it

This is awkward

Oh she's going to die

That bug became a snake

Sensei Wu and Garamdon are fighting like a dysfunctional family, oh wait

Sensei Wu is trying to talk t him but all Garmadon knows is murder

at least he cares about Lloyd

They are brothers

Ah yes, an amusement park

Jay is trying to flirt but he's turning into a snake

Date ruined.

Date not ruined

So Garmadon is evil because of a snake

They are so awkward

Jay dissing the samurai when Nya is the Samurai is the most awkward thing ever

Jay is turning into a snake

Hallucinations

Zane fucked up his true potential stuff

Samurai saves everyone again

Oop, Pythor unveiled Nya

They are going to execute Nya

Nya comes out as the samurai

True Love's kiss saves the day

True potential moment

they're gaslighting Kai

Brothers Vacation

Episode 9: The Royal Blacksmiths

using children as bait

Kai is the jealous one

Cole has a picture of the fang blade

Lying to your parents is fun

Climbing a mountain for family bonding

the mountain became a man

use the bell, son

Cole's dad is annoying

oh they can't sing

Cole's dad is going to train them

"Zane, you're like a machine" CRYING he looks so proud of himself

Pythor and Scales are flirting

I feel like something bad is going to happen between Garmadon and Wu

I was right

when you're farming and a fucking vortex opens up

oh boy, he is coming out to his dad as a ninja

Pythor ate the real Judge and is impersonating him

Zane has butterflies in his stomach

they are performing the theme song

They won!

Cole's dad is proud of him :)

PYTHOR TRIED TO KILL COLES DAD

Kai's still in his 'I'm the green ninja' mindset

Episode 10: The Green Ninja

I think this episode will reveal the green ninja

we start with someone in red clothing stealing the green ninja suit

maybe its cole bc they show the scythe blade

oh Cole is fighting serpentine

so is Jay, so this is either Kai or Nya

It's not Nya

God Kai, you're so embarrassing

SENSEI WU IS HOME!!

"Zane's a nindroid" "Zane's a what?"

Lord Garmadon appeared!

"But Sensei! he has 4 arms!" Love you, Zane

He is a smug mf

He's pure evil but he's still Wu's brother

Kai's impulsive

Me when I sharpen my teeth with a knife

and eat evil worms

When you're on a date but then the Lord of Darkness starts third wheeling you

When you're trying to sleep but your roommate is pondering the orb

Falcon theme my beloved

oh a volcano

dumbass

Nya green ninja arc???? please??

Kai is a fucking idiot

Cole is the reasonable one

GARMADON HAS ALL THE GOLDEN WEAPONS UH OH

Because fucking Kai is a fucking idiot

The volcano is about to explode and they are going in it.

Lloyd! Son! Son! STFU Son!

Of course, they see the ninja in the reflection

THAT SNAKE JUST GOT THROWN INTO FUCKING LAVA AND HE'S OKAY????? WHAT THE FUCK

Idiot Kai took out his Golden Weapon and activated the Volcano

The snakes destabilized the volcano

Lord Garmadon may be evil but at least he cares about his son, unlike my parents who

That is a fucking dramatic show for a lego show

Kai and his self-sacrificial act

LLOYD IS FALLING AGAIN L

Damn Garmadon, 4 hands, and you still can't catch your son

They left Lloyd and Kai in the volcano

Garmadon is screaming crying rn

It's Kai! and Lloyd! Kai's finally got his true potential powers!

Kai passed the fuck out lol

"Dad, is it really you" "yes son" "Dad, why do you have 4 arms?"

what? Kai: "my training wasn't to become the green ninja, it was to protect him" that means that Lloyd is the green ninja?

HOW TF DID HE FIGURE OUT THAT LLOYD WAS THE GREEN NINJA THAT MAKES NO SENSE

Wait Lloyd has been around the golden weapons multiple times what the fuck do you mean the weapons only react now

Lloyd chose one arc

Oh that means he has to fight his dad

The fang blade didn't melt?

Shit writing tbh

Episode 11: All of Nothing

They are all harassing one snake

this snake is like "i hate you" "no i don't hate you"

But they don't have noses

Zane can connect his eyes to the Falcon :D

Garmadon and Lloyd are bonding

Lloyd b like Daaad :((((((

Ever since the Devourer bit me Evil is in my blood

they/them prns for Lloyd my beloved

Garmadon doesn't want Lloyd to be like him im crying real tears

Ooof Lloyd ROASTED his Dad

Garmadon got kicked out by his son L

Firestarter is a lit nickname lmao

Jay is so in love and it's kinda funny

ITS A TRAP OH NO

Oh its Pythor

poor Lloyd has no clue what the fuck he's doing

SLITHERPIT SLITHERPIT SLITHERPIT

they are playing chess

what the fuck is a vengestone

they are pirates of the carribianing this shit

Pythor jumpscare

Nya: I have faith in Lloyd.

Meanwhile Lloyd: Ninja roll! Jump! *falls down the stairs*

This is bad

Poor Lloyd

God Pythor be original for once "You and who's army" mf

GARMADON IS BACK AND HE HAS AN ARMY

YEAH FUCK SNAKES

L for Scales

They are Brothers, your honor

I THOUGHT NYA STEPPED ON KAI LMAO

Garmadons and Lloyd </3

Headpat

THEY :'(((((((((

He is gone

PYTHOR IS ON THE SHIP????

Episode 12: Rise of the Great Devourer

the smoke of future sight

the future smoke says big snake will come

Lloyd gets beaten up by an inanimate object

Pythor is terrorizing children

Pythor is mean and british

Sensei Wu talks about dying

Sensei Wu starts Dying

Sensei Wu stops dying

Pythor has the fang blades again

HES GETTING AWAY

they all start dying

Nya stops them from dying

the snakes steal a bus

the bus is alive

snake motorcycles

"if we drive any faster the engine will explode " that's not how that works i think

Zane is kicking ass while Kai is on the window

Cole just blew up Scales

The engine exploded

SENSEI WU IS SACRIFICING HIMSELF FOR THEM??

LLOYD!

Sensei Wu got his gold tornado

Wu is beating Pythor for the moment

And the train flipped

Pythor is about to awaken the Great Devourer

Lloyd is going to get himself killed or smthin

"Go Ninja, go"

IS THAT A GOU'AULD

Episode 13: Day of the Great Devourer

Season finale!

The Great Devourer ate sensei wu (and pythor but idrc about him)

JAY DONT FUCKING FALL

They got away

Oh they didnt

They lost like 1/4th of the engines

Oh it grows

Oh the classic "we lost it" *sneak attack*

Nya holding Lloyd like a doll is so funny

Screaming Death Core

force ghost Wu but maybe its a hallucination idk

Russian snake

poor Lloyd is too short to be included

LMAO THE MAILMAN DOESN'T SEE THE BIG FUCKING SNAKE IN THE BACKGROUND

Creation tornado

Zane is self-aware

and Zane got stabbed maybe

HE'S OKAY!

his face came off tho

"it's heading towards the city!" it.. came from that direction?

"what's that in the subway?" "a fucking snake"

Jay's parents are gonna die

Cole threw a car at the snake

Lord Garmadon is buying tea

The Dragons are Back!

The snake is going up the building

Garmadon is going to stop the snake

Since when could Zane run possibilities

Lord Garmadon just got the golden weapons

time to see if garmadon can beat him

"You bit me once, now you'll know what it's like to be bitten back!"

the snake fucking exploded

SENSEI WU!

foreshadowing for Lloyd vs his dad

the end of s1

[bluedalahorse]

@heliza24 pitched the show to me back in July 2021 by focusing on the fact that it has excellent neurodivergent girl representation, and also mentioned that it was set in Sweden. (A lot of the pieces I work on in writing school engage with my Swedish ancestry in some way, and we happened to be talking about one of my writing pieces when the conversation naturally drifted.)

I’m not the kind of person who uncritically engages with royal love interests in fiction (I do not trust princes, as a general rule) so she briefly reassured me that the show used the prince/ordinary boy plotline to explore class and queerness, and didn’t romanticize the royal boyfriend aspect. Some people may need that reassurance!

Finally, she told me that the writing was rather good, and that the show was (at that time) only six episodes. Believe it or not, this was probably the most important selling point for me in that moment! I was feeling rather Done with most television at that particular point in my life, and I wanted to watch things that were efficient and well-written, or just not watch TV at all. There continues to be just Too Much TV.

And then 72 hours later, @heliza24 was receiving long text message essays about all of the characters. And then I was writing fanfic…

Generally I agree with @sflow-er’s reblog about tailoring your pitch to your audience. But you may have to add something like “it’s short, and it uses its time well to make its point.” Or almost saying something like—and I hate the financial language here but that’s the metaphor in my head right now—it’s a low investment of your time to get started, but then there’s a high return on that investment in the form of really good writing, acting, cinematography, and overall creative vision.

One caveat: there are some adults out there who have a strong bias against young people and by extension any piece of media involving youth/teens. (See: every tweet ever that jokes about YA fiction as if it’s all stereotyped versions of the Hunger Games and Twilight.) These adults often don’t even know they have that bias, but it means they’ll assume even something as artistically sound as YR is just ~teen drama~ and not see past their biases to the emotional core of the show. Sometimes these adults can even accept the less-well-done youth media more, because in their mind, stuff about young people is “supposed” to be bubbly and frothy and campy. Anything more serious, even when it’s executed well, makes them uncomfortable. Many adults don’t want to think about the fact that teens deal with issues around privilege and hierarchy and generational trauma and mental health and whatever else, because it makes them think about the fact that teens’ problems are real and that they (the adults) aren’t doing enough to address them. Some adults may think of the unaddressed problems of their own youth, and not want to think about the fact that teens are still going through those things nowadays, in the present, haven’t we fixed that yet in 2023???

(To be clear, there’s room for both the bubbly teen dramas and the more serious ones, and everything in between, but our society conditions most adults to not see that range of tone and approach to writing teen stories.)

I’ve made it a significant part of my career (for 10+ years now) to critically examine media about and for young people, so I don’t say this lightly—YR is one of the best crafted teen dramas out there, period. It’s just that many people are going to go into it with an anti-teen bias, which is going to prevent them from seeing all the things that work about it. Which I think explains why pitching this show can be such an uphill battle at times!

So, I've so far been completely unsuccessful getting my friends to watch this beloved show of ours 😫 Clearly something is wrong with my pitch!

Would love to hear the short and sweet of why all of you love the show!! How would you describe it to people who live completely outside of fandom?

[ironwoodprotectionsquad]

Penny being trans + autistic coded made me resonate with her as I am nonbinary and autistic myself. Her being a robot felt like me when I have to hide my neurodivergent traits. Her getting confirmation that she wasn't just a robot/machine but a real girl felt so validating. I don't have to look like everyone else to still be considered "real".

Ironwood's semblance being literal hyperfixiation, something I've dealt with since I have ADHD + autism would have made me feel better about myself. This is a man who, despite everything: his PTSD, being an amputee, still was a kind-hearted man. This is something rarely seen in media. I was happy.

Then they fucked up both Penny and Ironwood in ways that struck me. Penny is hacked into and forced to comply with basically forced suicide- she was to open the vault, then self-destruct.

Ironwood, oh dear god. They couldn't wait to fuck him over. He was so HAPPY to see team RWBYJNROQ. He told them everything about his plan, trusting them with literal GOVERNMENT secrets, giving them a place to stay, FREE weapon upgrades (Atlas is known for its advanced technology), hell even gave them their HUNTRESS LICENSES THREE-ISH YEARS EARLY (which Ruby later uses as a credibility source in her broadcast, which was eerily similar to Cinder's in Volume 3, when she says IRONWOOD CANNOT BE TRUSTED.)

Not to mention that she conveniently forgot she was calling for help from OTHER KINGDOMS. OF COURSE they wouldn't arrive soon enough. And no one had reason to trust her. She's a nobody. She was at the Vytal Festival and her team made it all the way to the singles? Cool. Ruby wasn't the final fighter, hell after the 4 vs 4 match she didn't compete further.

Blake would have obviously been a bad choice: she's a faunus and if anyone knows about the White Fang, they might recognize her.

Yang is more known than Ruby, but the world saw her kick an unarmed teen in the finals round. She doesn't have too good a reputation.

Weiss? She's well known as the Heiress, but also her singing. Having her give the speech is a mixed bag: on one hand, she's a recognizable face. On the other, that's a problem. Her father, the CEO of the SDC, is known for his cruelty. Blake said it herself way back in Volume 1: questionable business practices and partners.

So... How about no broadcast at all? What did her broadcast accomplish?

Nothing. Help didn't arrive and likely caused more panic. Plus, people still had a negative view of Atlas, as the last thing the world saw was Atlesian soldiers turning against civilians.

The last broadcast was before Beacon fell. So likely another hacker giving a message would be met with fear.

And what attracts Grimm? Negativity.

Ruby's broadcast could have been a DEATH SENTENCE to so many. But no, this is treated as the... Right course of action?

Ruby and co. hates Ironwood's plan, yet it's clear they don't have one. RWB spends a lot of time moping around the manor drinking tea. Team YOJR (Yang, Oscar, Jaune and Ren) actually DO SOMETHING. Oscar gets kidnapped and they chase after him. Ren rightfully points out that NONE OF THEM SHOULD BE DOING THIS. But that goes against the Hivemind™, so he must apologize and agree to whatever the fuck Ruby decides to do.

Which is NOTHING! RWBY didn't even take down the hound: WILLOW and WHITLEY did. A drunk woman and an unarmed teen defeated it.

Oscar is the one who blows up the whale (with his time bomb? huh??)

Ruby whines that it's all too much, cries on a staircase while her sister (remember that Ruby and Yang are related????) comforts her. The scene has no emotional depth because the two barely interact anymore.

OH GOD AND WHEN YANG TAKES A HIT FROM NEO THAT WAS MEANT FOR RUBY IT TAKES HER OUT COMPLETELY. AURA? GONE. HELL, SHE'S EVEN UNCONSCIOUS. I swear it's like the animation budget could only afford to have ONE character react, and it's Blake "sad kitty face" Belladonna. Not Ruby, who is her sister. WHO HAS A SPEED SEMBLANCE. But no, they just watch her fall, not knowing if she's alive.

Ruby has more of a reaction to CRESCENT ROSE, HER FUCKING WEAPON falling.

Which is retconned so hard in the Vol 9 trailer, where she tells Neo "I hope it was worth it" before falling into the void. Huh??

Anyways I'm rambling again but I am so angry!

-🎼

Never, ever, EVER apologize for rambling. I LOVE hearing peoples thoughts and sometimes it's a really nice feeling to let out your frustrations and anger towards something that has caused you harm and it really REALLY sounds like this caused you a lot of harm and so I do not blame you one bit for being hurt and angry. I should apologize for this taking so long. This was a lot and I needed to sort my thoughts and even so I probably missed some points so I also apologize for that.

Penny and Ironwoods biggest mistake was trusting and being kind to RWBY. They lied and betrayed James and treated him like garbage even though he showed them nothing but kindness and did whatever he could to help them and listened to them. Penny was told what to do and think far more so then James ever supposedly did. Ruby decided to give her a new body, decided she didn't like how James was treating her and that she thought James was a bad person, and decided that Penny was better off with them. Penny stopped being able to make her own decisions once she started hanging out with RWBY and co.

Really though what did they all think was going to happen when they sent out a message that matched beat to bear a lot of what Cinder said before Atlas fell? Did she think about the panic that would cause? Did she forget she was worried about Ironwood telling everyone back in Volume 7 because of the panic it would cause everyone??? Did that just conveniently slip her mind?

I honestly think Weiss would have been the best choice to give the broadcast of them all but I don't think they should have sent out the broadcast in the first place. It should realistically only cause panic and death but the narrative is gonna yadda yadda right past all of that.

Oh god yea RWBY and co complain and whine and scream that Ironwoods plan is bad whilst offering up no alternatives then just taking his plan and acting like it was theirs the whole time. They even did this in Volume 7 when in episode 2 they where worried about James telling Atlas about Salem and then turning around and acting all happy and shocked when James told everyone near the end of the season as if they wanted him to the whole time and not the other way around.

Man RWBY really did jack shit all volume huh? As you said all the major things side characters did: Fight James TWICE: Winter, Emerald, and JNRO.

Try and rescue Oscar: JRY

Blow up the Whale: Oscar

"Redeem" Hazel and Emerald: Again Oscar

Defeat the hound: Whitley and Willow

Launch the tower: Penny

Help defend Mantel against the swarm of Grimm: FNKI and the soldiers that all died trying to buy Ruby time while she cries in a mansion.

Like what does this girl do to help any of the people SHE trapped???

Oh god Ren, poor Ren, he's finally seeing the light but he can't stray from the Hivemind so he needs to get back in, we can't question the pure and perfect Ruby her plans are always right even if it causes Salem to get two relics and destroys the only kingdom with an army or the technology to restore global communications in the process.

Yea you're right like CRWBY can make excuses all day for why Ruby didn't react to Yang falling and MAYBE I can buy her not using her Semblance because she's in shock but not crying or reacting at ALL to her supposed death?? Why does her weapon get a more emotional response then her SISTER? Why is only BLAKE allowed to be sad about Yang supposedly dying? Why does fucking WINTER have more of a reaction to her sister dying?

Why are all the people we are supposed to be rooting for so fucking unlikeable???

[dreamland-arcade]

Okay I actually really wanna put into perspective the fuckin notes on that post

The "If you like X whatever, the whole cast of Steven Universe hates you!!" post everyone mentioned

I don't know about y'all but isn't the main demographic of Steven Universe like, 14-15 year olds? Repressed queer kids online? Maybe ones with a neurodivergency like autism or ADHD

I don't know anything about the OP, hell, never even saw the post. But doesn't this just read like, I don't know, a kid saying this? Maybe someone who experiences frequent delusions and copes with the cast of this kids show, using it as their way of understanding the world or whatever?

I dunno bud, tastes too much like bullying to me. Oh, with a special side of ableism

And you may be wondering, "Oh, well, Chai, why do YOU care?" and jeez I don't know. It couldn't be that I'm a psychotic who experiences awful delusions and copes using fictional media which in turn helps me understand the world around me. Nope. Or that I could be so severely traumatized that my brain, in protection mode, split and created multiple people, most of which come from media because that was how I coped and still cope as a barely functioning new adult. Couldn't be that either. And I honestly don't know what it was like being a Steven Universe fan when it aired, I completely missed it when I was the target demographic for the show, so I watched it pretty late, at 17 years old.

This shit just utterly annoys me. I thought we were done making fun of people for things they say. Even if this person wasn't a child and doesn't have delusions, why are y'all still making fun of them. "Omg the weird kid said something weird!!" who fucking cares!!!!! So what????? Let them say their weird shit, I fucking promise you it doesn't affect you in the slightest!!

[bihoodnerd]

On benevolent whites interacting with semi-brown media

This is gonna be long, but I’ma break it up into lil chunks cause my brain can’t deal with big paragraphs.

Now, I am not in a lot of fandoms. I have had media hyperfixations for a very long time and i tried being in fandom once or twice, but it never felt right. So me, in simple terms, I’m mexican, african american, bi, nonbinary and neurodivergent. In my terms, I’m a detribalized purepecha, blackfoot, black, fuck-gender, colonial-called-crazy kid.

And fandom is mostly white.

I decided as a college junior to limit my white media consumption to 10 per year (which faltered a bit in the pandemic) because white media bores me. I’ve never really found anyone like me in movies or shows or books until Trini in the 2017 power rangers. 

And this was probably where I started to notice it. At this point, I was in Honolulu, getting my masters in creative writing and learning more about colonialism and decolonization. And I noticed that the queer white authors did some weird stuff in the trimberly fics.

At the begining people would use “the latina” as a narritive epithet for Trini, while never calling Kim “the indian” cause I guess they had some sense. They’d also use this weird spanish for Trini dispite the fact that she and no one in her family ever spoke spanish in the movie. They also could never get her character quite right, and that is for a simple reason.

Becky G is mexican, Trini is mexican, both are born in the US and that is a tricky nuance for white people to understand becuase they don’t spend enough time around chicanxs (latines don’t get on my ass for this, I use x in english and e in spanish).

All this to say that one cannot remove a character from their culture. 

And this all repeated with Luz Noceda and now Encanto. They inserted Luz into Miguel’s role in Coco (being Dominican and Mexican are not the same). Encanto is being analyzed by white people with no regard for its history. And don’t even get me started on the white washing fanart of all of these. 

I was actually regularly “yelled” at for telling people to color Trini darker.

But Encanto has hit really hard lately. Because I don’t even want to watch it. I don’t want to see characters who are culturally adjacent to me get stripped down for queer white consumption.

But of course I’m on tumblr and it finds its way to me. And I saw someone analyzing Encanto in one of the most frustrating ways possible. With zero context.

If you love Encanto and don’t know who Gabriel Garcia Marquez is then what the actual fuck are you doing? Isabel Allende? Anna Marie McLemore? 

I did not sit through an entire year of IB English listening to people misunderstand GGM and IsaAll for yall to continue doing the same shit.

All of my friends know to never mention magical realism to me unless they want me to go on a huge ass rant. I’ll condense it. I don’t think MR is a literary technique, I think it’s a cultural aspect. Classic MR comes from South America for a very specific reason: Spanish Colonialism.

Spanish colonialism is somewhat different in its tactics, because they decided to paint over the indigenous religions with catholicism. And in that way the spiritual practices are always kinda rubbing against one another. You see this also in the caste system of latin america. And that’s why when people ask me what religion I am I say, I’m culturally catholic, but I hate it. And then if they ask me if I believe in ghosts, I’m like duh, I’m mexican.

GGM is also Columbian. Just like Encanto. So why don’t queer white people go researching Columbia and its original people? What gives white people the audacity to think that they can just de-contextualize something from a culture they may not have even thought of and make proclamations about it? And I know the answer and if you know the answer, I’m sorry friend, and if you don’t: figure it out, cause I’m not gonna tell you.

Sigh. Like I don’t even wanna read fics anymore. That used to be one of my favorite things. And now it’s the same bullshit over and over. Yall ruin everything. 

Go educate yourselves and leave my brown kids alone

[babaleshy]

I'm Autistic

Because this will likely be a lengthy, wordy post about my self-diagnosis as Autistic as well as all of my experiences regarding Autistic traits, I'm going to leave a "read more" link so that you're not scrolling for ages just to catch up on your feed.

Ah, I see you've clicked "keep reading" or "read more" or whatever this site has it labeled as, now. You don't get to be mad at how long this is or how much of a waste of time reading this may be to you because you consciously clicked on the link. Therefore, I am exempt from taking responsibilities of eating up any bit of your time, including the time you've wasted reading this disclaimer.

So... Yes. I am. And it's a self-diagnosis right now.

You're probably thinking that I saw a Tik Tok clip, checked out a page on WebMD, and decided that I'm Autistic (this is in reference to a Tik Tok I saw last night that nearly made me spit out my drink because of how painfully accurate the "what people think self-diagnosis is vs reality" clip was). That is, of course, not the case.

A few years ago (likely 2018), I don't recall what it was I read online, but it made me go, "Oh wow, that makes so much sense to me," in regards to a neurodivergent trait. However, this was then I thought I had ADHD. My husband has ADHD, was diagnosed with it as a child, and because his dad forced the doctor (this was like, in the late 90s, early 2000s I think) to put him on Adderall and Ritalin, my husband does not remember 3 years of his life because he was a drooling, zombified mess. Why did his dad do this? Because his grades were bad. Did this help with his grades? No. Did his dad take him off the meds because he didn't get the desired result? Also no. My husband wasn't even informed on what ADHD was. He was simply told he had it and to take these pills. It wasn't until he (my husband) read the label saying that it could increase the risk of heart issues that he cussed his dad out and flushed all the pills down the toilet. Up until very recently, he wasn't sure if he actually had ADHD until he saw a YouTuber who was actually diagnosed with it display the exact traits he had.

But he didn't see this YouTuber when I thought I had ADHD, so my husband couldn't exactly relate, plus I didn't want to trigger anything with him on the subject.

But the more I researched, the more I realized I could be on the spectrum. It wasn't until 2019 that I was printing out articles, trait lists, etc. to highlight and put into a folder (which is thick and nearly bursting with what I've printed out to have a hardcopy of records highlighting the traits that I have, including traits my husband and my mom see in me) that I realized "I could have Asperger's."

Of course, I no longer use that term after finding out it was named after a n*zi, and I began to embrace the term "Autistic" instead.

But the thing that triggered me into going, "Wait, so it's not ADHD that I think I have, it's Asperger's?" was, like my husband, seeing a YouTuber talk about their traits and experiences. I had identical struggles, myself. (Through this same YouTuber, I also found out I'm greysexual, too! There's a name to describe my experience with sexual attraction! Yay!)

There are a lot of VERY SPECIFIC TRAITS Autistic people experience that aren't mentioned by the YouTuber or in anything that I've printed out and highlighted that I have found through various Tik Toks that I have personally experienced that simply further solidifies the fact that I'm definitely on the spectrum. When I showed the Tik Tok I mentioned earlier (I don't remember their name) to my husband last night, he was wide-eyed because the description of how that individual self-diagnosed themselves WAS EXACTLY WHAT I DID WORD FOR WORD HOLY SHIT.

I was already convinced I am Autistic, but each time I read Twitter threads of people's experiences with their Autistic traits, each time I watch Tik Toks or certain YouTubers share their experiences, it further solidifies that yep, I'm Autistic.

What's amazing is that my husband is very supportive. I'm extremely lucky to have married him. I've been a terrible masker but he loves me anyways. He never gave me shit for my meltdowns and tried to help me out, thinking I was just horribly overly stressed. Now that he knows why I've had the few outwardly noticeable meltdowns that I've had throughout our years together, he knows how to help me more, now. And while he's figured out my traits and what issues I have, knowing that I'm on the spectrum helps him make sense of why I'm like this, and he can help me accordingly whether it's to prepare for something in advance, help me calm down, etc.

(I should also add here real quick that there's a high chance I have OCD as well, but less of the compulsive actions and more of the obsessive thoughts, but I'm not entirely sure just yet if this is the case. I'm actually hoping to see someone about this but with the pandemic, I don't know when that will be.)

Now... onto the traits and experiences.

My Traits (that stand out with neon lights)(Will copy word-for-word a trait my mom or husband see in me and it will be typed in a different color.)

Having a folder that has all of my research I've obsessively looked up, printed out, highlighted what I saw in myself with one color (yellow) while highlighting what my mom and my husband see with another color (pink). I'm also using this folder to make this list as a reference because I sometimes forget certain traits I do have are because I'm Autistic. (I'm 32 as I write this, so when so much of what you think, do, and experience that you see is normal for you turns out to be an Autistic trait, it takes a while to get used to it and thus remember that because you haven't had a label for it your whole life.)

Despite being goth/punk, I dress as comfortably as I can. Textures aren't a very big issue for me, but what feels like strangulation of my body tends to be a problem. I cannot handle having the cross seams of pants feeling like I have a chopstick slowly impaling my vulva, or I can't stand how tight some shorts are that they pinch my hip joints.

I've NEVER spent much time grooming my own hair. It's either tiring, I"m impatient and want it done NOW, or both. This is why I have a Tank Girl haircut (all buzzed except for bangs), where I can basically "wash and go." (Husband does my haircuts and dyes and he's kickass at it.)

Eccentric personality; may be reflected in appearance.

Is youthful for age, in looks, dress, behavior, and tastes.

Usually a little more expressive in the face and gesture than male counterparts.

"May not have strong sense of identity and can be very chameleon like before diagnosis." (This resonates with me in the form that I never saw myself in ANY fictional character other than Tank Girl. My husband agrees with this opinion, but he also says he also sees a lot of me in Caulifla from Dragonball Super.)

I enjoy reading and films as a retreat, often sci-fi, fantasy, children's (sometimes), can have favorites which are a refuge.

Uses control as a stress management (like routines, rules, rigid certain habits, etc.)

Usually happiest at home or in other controlled environment.

I've been seen as "sensitive" by some, and mocked for crying a lot by others.

I struggled with social aspects of college and have 2 partial degrees.

Often have trouble holding a job and finds employment very daunting.

Slow at comprehending at times due to sensory and cognitive processing issues.

DOES NOT DO WELL WITH VERBAL INSTRUCTIONS; MUST BE WRITTEN DOWN

Special interests (I'll get into these later).

Emotionally immature and emotionally sensitive.

Anxiety and fear are predominant emotions (some of which might be due to possible OCD).

I do have some sensory issues such as visual processing issues at times, certain sounds, certain smells, food I think, and issues with sunlight and my goddamn retinas.

Moody and prone to bouts of depression. Both of my parents as well as my husband have described my personality as reminding them of a cat.

Mild to severe gastro-intestinal difficulties (some of which could be due to endometriosis, btw).

I stim a little such as leg-bouncing, foot-waggling, some hand-flapping, some bouncing, the "spine-shimmy," joint-cracking, or playing with my ears.

Prone to temper or crying meltdowns, sometimes over seemingly small things due to sensory or emotional overload.

Hates injustice and hates being misunderstood, which incites anger and rage.

Prone to mutism when stressed or upset, especially after a meltdown, likely to stutter and may have a raspy voice.

Words and actions often misunderstood by others.

Perceived to be cold-natured and self-centered; unfriendly.

Very outspoken at times, may get very fired up when talking about passionate/obsessive interests.

Will shutdown in social situations once overloaded but generally better at socializing in small doses. May even give the appearance of skilled, but it is a "performance."

Doesn't go out much; will prefer to go out with partner only (aka my husband).

Will not do "girly" things like shopping.

Takes relationships seriously.

There's a bit on this chart (some of you probably already know by know what chart I'm using here) that says due to sensory issues, one would either really enjoy sex or strongly dislike it. I'm in the former camp complete with a pretty high libido.

Often prefers the company of animals.

So there are the traits that REALLY stick out like a sore thumb. These come from a site regarding female Asperger traits or however it's labeled as. I have plenty more from two other articles I printed out with lots of highlighting, but the chart actually sums a lot of the definitive shit quite nicely. At some point in this list, I could tell I went "fuck it" and copied many things word for word anyways since I'll be talking about experiences later in this post.

But it was this chart that I'd discovered that I started to realize that I really am on the spectrum, and to triple check, I asked my mom and my husband if they saw any of this in me. The traits typed in green are ones I wasn't sure of and had to ask them if they saw it. I'm not always aware of how I am, who I am at times, etc. I also didn't want to lie about it, so I had to get second and third opinions.

Despite all of this, only very few people that know me IRL know about me being Autistic. This is because I was heavily bullied growing up and since I haven't exactly left my hometown, I really don't want whoever stayed in the area as well to either have more fuel and re-enter my life that way, or try really hard to relieve their guilty conscience and demand that I forgive them or some shit. I also don't want "Autism Mommies" to come at my ass either asking that I help their kid (I'm not fond of children so that's not happening, plus ableism is what fucks a lot of Autistic people over regarding of age but they won't take that for an answer) or that because they---a neurotypical person---have a child who's Autistic, then that means they know all about it and because I'm not exactly like their child then I can't possibly be Autistic. It's just a whole mountain of shit I don't wanna get into.

This next bit will be split into 2 parts. One will be my special interests, and the other will be my experiences from my past that are prime examples of being Autistic long before anyone in the common public knew what Autism actually was.

My Special Interests (Both Forever & Temporary)

The following list will have my special interests but with indicators in parentheses as to whether they are forever-interests (as in, I never lost interest in the thing) or temporary (meaning, it was short-lived be it by weeks, months, or a few years). This will be in chronological order, meaning: the order of which these have appeared throughout my life.

Barney (temporary; helped me skip preschool and become honor roll student in kindergarten though)

Halloween (forever)

the color orange (forever)

dinosaurs (forever)

Donkey Kong Country esp. for SNES (forever)

animals (forever)

Godzilla movies (forever)

monster movies (forever)

Pokemon (temporary; I still like Pokemon, but it's not as hyperfocused as it used to be)

Digimon (temporary; same situation as with Pokemon)

Dragonball Z (forever)

Sailor Moon (on-and-off)

Ultimate Muscle (Kinnikuman Nisei) (forever)

Freddy vs Jason movie (still like, but the hyperfocus was temporary)

horror movies (forever)

Transformers (temporary)

Dark Knight movie (temporary)

Harley Quinn (temporary)

Lobo (temporary)

X-Men (forever, but only certain universes, mainly the 90s cartoon, and the character is always Hank McCoy)

neon-colored stuff (temporary; kind of some sort of semi-rave/techno phase)

books (forever; this was when I discovered it's "legal" to enjoy books if you "aren't smart"; I may explain this logic I had later in the post)

sex/sexuality/sexology (forever on the first two, temporary on the last one)

BDSM (on-and-off)

feminism (temporary in regards to doing research and educating myself; I still hold the views I've developed as a result, just not obsessively researching this topic anymore)

anarchism (forever)

ecology (forever)

Pleistocene epoch (forever)

goth and punk stuff (forever after discovering what these things are all about for real compared to when I was in high school and had no idea how to ask, who to ask, or where to look this stuff up at in rural Ohio)

Hellblazer (temporary)

Serbian heritage (on-and-off)

bats (temporary)

arachnids (forever)

teratophilia (forever; finally have a word to describe this damn kink)

gardening (current; unsure)

Russian language (current; unsure)

DIY things (forever)

Towards the end, it may not be in the proper order thanks to slowly losing my damn mind being cooped up mostly in my room on this farm since moving back here in 2014. The two that are "current;unsure" are ones I have a hyperfocus in right now, but I don't know if this will be temporary or not. I certainly hope not, especially considering how useful these things will be. And while I have gardening as one of them, I haven't properly begun yet because I get empty promises from my parents where they claim they'd help me, not to worry about it, then get irritated when I ask where the help is and they suddenly can't give me the help when I told them I needed it.

I should also note that I don't exactly have an encyclopedic knowledge in a whole lot of these interests that are forever-interests because I'm normally exhausted just trying to exist with minimal trouble from people. I'm hoping this will change. The things I know I have an almost encyclopedic knowledge in would be Dragonball Z, animals/ecology, and... a-and that's it. That's really it. That's all I've got because Dragonball Z was so profoundly different compared to other cartoons I've watched in the 90s that it was a wonderful escape, and I grew up around animals, taking care of animals, and watching nature documentaries. The stress I went through growing up has caused my memory of some of that wonderful animal knowledge to be lost and what could be re-gained may be easily forgotten again, hence why I need to narrow my focus for what I'd like to be an ecologist for. While I love paleontology, I want to help the living world's ecosystems and environments, too. I'd love to go back to school for this stuff now that I'm more informed of who I am and what I want in life (as opposed to being forced to pick a college major while still in high school while I'm just trying to survive the concept of existence).

In terms of collecting things pertaining to my interests, a common pattern you'll see me have is a very slowly growing Hank McCoy collection. This is largely because there isn't too much stuff made regarding this character. (There also isn't much stuff I can find that involves Piccolo, Cyndaquil, Donkey Kong, giant ground sloths, etc. that isn't already snatched up by other fans.)

Now, I'm going to get into the list of experiences. Some of which will talk about my special interests, but I also really want to talk about my struggles, too.

Experiences That Screamed "I'm Autistic"

In gradeschool, I was friends with someone who probably wasn't actually a friend and her mom made her hang out with me since I didn't really have any friends. She has told me several times that she didn't want to be my friend anymore with some kind of hostile catty smile, but I just.. I wasn't getting it. Because there was a smile. Why say that with a smile? After all we've been through? Then she's back to being my friend the next week. She really wanted to hang out with the popular girls (yes, there were cliques in 90s American gradeschool) and has done countless things to sabotage our friendship such as telling me Barney is a fake, Donkey Kong was a real gorilla who hung himself, etc. And I believed all this shit, too, in an attempt to still be an acceptable friend. She even told me that I couldn't be a witch because I liked toads so much (toads were the only wildlife I excitedly interacted with in my back yard on a regular basis).

I love Halloween for many reasons, but one of them (aside from my favorite color being involved) was the fact that it was acceptable to wear a mask. I love (and still do) the idea of covering my face because I feel less "naked" to the world. So this pandemic had a small plus for me in the form of mask-wearing outside of Halloween has become somewhat more acceptable.

In 5th grade, another classmate who had more obvious Autistic traits and was diagnosed with Asperger's at the time was an asshole to me. They would constantly give me shit and bully me for whatever reason. When I finally took a stand, the teachers on duty at recess called me to the bottom of the hill, forcing me to look at them WITHOUT allowing me to have my hands up to block the sunlight that hurt my eyes, and were able to manipulate me into "admitting picking on so-and-so for no reason" because I chased them around the playground where a group of girls (the same cliquey assholes the former "friend" wanted to mingle with) had to group-carry me away. They're the ones who snitched and they gave me those same hostile smiles. That's when I learned that not all smiles meant good things. I was 10.

I sometimes "lose the ability" to ask for help long before the "help" I ever got in any circumstance was just me being met with frustration by whoever is trying to "help" me or I'm met with "sorry, can't help you there. (The former being with homework or school work, the latter being with going to authorities about bullies.)

Growing up, I was never girly (or girly enough) and I've tried to, but I failed miserably. My special interests would roar through and because it was too odd or different or annoying, it gave other girls fuel for bullying me with.

Regarding the lack of being girly enough, I was at a pool party with the former "friend" mentioned earlier and she started this "game" where she and the other girls would leap into the pool saying, "I love you, Leonardo!" This was in 4th grade and in reference to the Titanic movie, which at that point, I'd never heard of, because I was too pumped for the latest Land Before Time sequel. So when I leapt into the pool, I said, "I love you, Raphael." All the girls were confused, asked who that was. I then asked, "Aren't we playing Ninja Turtles?" Because the only Leonardo I knew of was a fucking Ninja Turtle, goddamnit. Who let you brats watch that shitty romance film anyways? Boring as fuck.

Aside from the occasional weekend visits or sleepovers at the former "friend's" house, I didn't get to socialize much, so I would spend most of my days (especially in the summer) watching what was on TV or watching from our very large VHS collection. During which I would make mental notes on how certain characters acted or what they said and try to remember that to mimic them in a social setting, which would be out of place because I'd be so focused on mainly the dialogue that once it prompts me to say the thing, they don't respond how I expect them to and then I'm at a loss.

I was very ignorant of music and didn't even know the concept of independent or underground bands existed. Plus, rural Ohio is a cultural wasteland. Otherwise, I would've gotten into metal, goth, and punk way earlier in life. So I thought that bands that existed were because television said so.

Speaking of an odd logic... If it was taboo or bad to talk about, I thought it was illegal. Thus, I thought any knowledge about sex was illegal and that it was supposed to happen "naturally."

I also thought that, because I wasn't considered as smart by my peers, some teachers, and even as such in the form of an insult from my parents from time to time (despite what they claim NOW), that also meant I wasn't allowed to enjoy books, because only smart people are allowed to enjoy reading. So therefore, it would be illegal for me, a not-smart person, to enjoy reading a book. So I had to focus on the pictures because if I enjoyed reading, somehow everyone would know and then I'd get into trouble.

I also thought it was illegal to talk about periods.

I socially struggled BADLY when I got to middle school because my brain was like... 4 years behind? How the fuck do people know all these bigger words? Or complex issues? This was also when I had to start suppressing ALL urges to cry because at that age, I'm not "supposed" to cry over everything. So I still, to this day, suppress it to the point of guaranteeing inducing a headache. Because I've always caught shit for crying.

Middle school was when I met an oppressive "friend" who was obsessed with me because she had a crush on me and was rather controlling of who I could and couldn't talk to and got pissy if I got close to making a new friend. Because I was desperate for a friend that wasn't like the former "friend," I allowed this abuse into my life.

High school was me just trying to survive. By the time I got home, I was too mentally exhausted to enjoy anything short of watching TV or whatever was rented from Blockbuster.

My brain was still feeling like it was years behind, and I struggled to keep up with whatever was supposed to be something I knew about, including the concept of masturbation.

Like I said earlier, anything sex-related might've been illegal to talk about, and because masturbation was still kinda taboo, I feared I'd get in trouble, but my teenage hormones compelled me to do it a LOT. It consumed my free time almost like an escape, a form of stimming, but I was shameful of it to the point of suicidal thoughts.

The former bullet was due to being raised in a christian household. My parents didn't have such views on sex like this, but I was afraid of being in trouble for asking, took to the internet, and caught some misinfo about how immoral it was. I mourned I'd be going to hell.

Speaking of religion, I thought it was illegal to change your religious beliefs, and there was only Judiasm, Muslim, and Buddhism outside of christianity (I'm Pagan, now).

While I was excited to get away from my parents presumably for good after high school, college was a new form of hell. The sudden, dramatic change in environment and lack of ANY preparation for living like an adult on my own caused me to mentally/socially/emotionally malfunction. I had outbursts I desperately tried to suppress, I felt stupid because everybody sounded smarter than me, I didn't actually want to go to art school but wasn't smart enough for anything else and never really bothered to better my artistic skills and thus felt like I shouldn't be there anyways, I struggled to fit in better, I had no idea how to function that certain habits such as neglect of my own dishes on my desk developed because I LITERALLY COULD NOT SEE MY OWN MESSES DUE TO THE STRESS I WAS EXPERIENCING. This was 3 or 4 long YEARS of this.

Attending art classes mostly run by very demanding (and demeaning) teachers while my art skills weren't up to par added to this stress on top of me not actually wanting to be THERE in the first place, just away from my parents.

I nearly ruined a friendship with a roommate because of my struggles. I'm not even sure if she is aware of my Autism because I'm afraid to approach her about it for some reason.

Plenty of times throughout my life where I'm loud and don't even realize it.

I've info-dumped on my parents, but right now they half or completely ignore me.

I've tried making eye contact, but it's like staring in the sun not in the sense of pain, but in the sense of by natural reaction looking away. When I force myself to make eye contact, I'm spending so much focus and effort into doing that to the point where I am unable to pay attention to what the person is saying. Instead, I stare at the mouth so I make sure I hear correctly the words they're telling me.

Each time someone is mad at me and gives me the silent treatment, and I inquire what I did to piss them off, they get madder because I'm somehow supposed to immediately know when I fucking don't. Then, half the time, they continue not telling me and I have to hear it from someone else. This further confuses me as to why they don't just simply fucking tell me.

I've annoyed people to listening to the same one or few songs over and over again. A lot (currently obsessed with the Sunset Overdrive and Tank Girl movie soundtracks).

I can "smell" the heat outside on a summer day.

I can smell other people's unique scents sometimes (especially when in someone's house; also experienced this in other people's dorms).

I can't remember what grade this was, but in high school, we went to some kind of space camp facility thing, and our class was split into two groups: one group was the group who was on Mars and ready to come home, the other was on Earth and can't wait to go to Mars. I was in the former group. My job in this little fun display interactive room thing was to examine the isotopes and report... uh.. I can't remember.. Report something that was off. Everyone else was dicking around with what they're supposed to do, and I was actually doing my job, and then said something, like I was supposed to, if I found something that was off (I don't remember the specifics). When the scientist who worked at the facility praised me on "saving the crew," I caught this look from the entire class a look I can't quite describe other than they didn't seem to like the fact that I did a good thing and was being praised for it instead of any of them (or they were shocked that a "dumb girl" like me could achieve this and get praise for it, I don't know.. hard to tell). This was a science class field trip, but despite this, I didn't have an interest in space, and still didn't feel I was smart. (Come to think of it, I think this was actually an 8th grade field trip, I can't remember.)

Just discovered this today: I'm actually very easily overwhelmed that could trigger a meltdown when I wake up. I don't know for how long until that point passes, either. But this could also be explained with how I've reacted to certain alarm clocks (the ones with the bells just induce pure rage in me). Either I will be on the verge of a meltdown or I'll have a fucking headache all day. Normally, I just wanna drink my coffee and either read or practice a little on Duolingo.

I don't always have enough room for a lot of info in my head for things that I like, so I have to carefully narrow shit down. Right now, I'm trying to figure out what to do about my urge to get my hands on some monster movies while making sure nothing else I've retained info for wanes. Not sure if this is due to stress or what. But apparently I have designated compartments for certain categories in my brain. If I get into monster movies, continue to work on my knwoledge on ecology and paleontology, and gain more knowledge about arachnids, that shouldn't impede on the "language" category, so whatever I learn in Russian will remain safe.

Interest "Webs."

I have what I'd like to call an "interest web." My special interests in one thing can lead me to having an interest in another. I care about nature, and I also care about paleontology. Paleoecology is something I'd like to dip my toes into. But because this all involves nature, I have an interest in botany (though it's still intimidating so I'm sticking with local native trees) and arachnids (after conquering my fears and learning more about them). So the web stops at arachnids there (no pun intended).

Back to ecology and paleoecology...

I have a major interest in the Pleistocene because it was just before we humans started writing shit down. Hints of that era echoes within our current environment, from the pronghorn being "unnecessarily" fast (due to miracynonyx, the "American cheetah," which is now an extinct cat) to avocados not seeding like they should without human assistance as well as the yucca trees (Joshua trees) going into retreat thanks to the absence of giant ground sloths.

But the planet is warming, and we could use all the help from plants that we get, especially when it comes to making sure that permafrost stays frozen. So there's this "Pleistocene Park" project taking place in Russia, and one day, if I get into the field of paleontology, I may want to chat with those involved in that project, but one can't expect every other country to know English.

There's also FROZEN PLEISTOCENE MEGAFAUNA CARCASSES BEING FOUND IN PERMAFROST, too.

On top of all of this, Russia's northern lands will become habitable for humans if shit hits the fan and the planet's mostly fucked, so it's still nice to know the language.

See how all of these interests intertwine? (It also helps that since I am of Serbian heritage but can't find accessible resources to learn the language and I wanna know a Slavic language that Russian is kind of accessible. It also seems to be the only Slavic language "commonly" found in colleges when it comes to foreign language courses.) This is why I call them "interest webs." Not sure if other Autistic people have them, but it's something that I have.

The second one could simply involve Halloween, punk, goth, monsters, and teratophilia with Halloween being the gateway because my favorite color is orange.

Just thought this would be a fun thing to touch on real quick.

My Sensory Traits

I do experience some sensory traits, but they're not intense like some people would assume (unless I'm simply not noticing how intense they can be).

I can "smell" the summer heat, which was something I thought everybody else experienced but I'm wrong.

My retinas hurt in bright sunlight despite not looking anywhere near the sun, which I also thought everybody else experienced.

Drinks taste different or off in some way if they're not in a particular mug, glass, etc. that the drink is supposed to be in. (I have certain mugs that I enjoy my coffee in, but the other mugs? They taste off. I can't explain why. I have ONLY TWO acceptable little tumbler glasses for orange juice.)

Breakfast food does not taste like breakfast food unless it's on this one specific plate from my childhood.

Dinner can be iffy on certain plates, but the safest go-to is the knock-off blue willow plates.

Lunch is acceptable on anything, but if I'm having simply a sandwich, it must be on a small plate.

I have specific forks I'd prefer to use because of how they feel in my hand, how the food-part feels in my mouth, and how the fork itself tastes.

Gotta have cinnamon in my coffee. I just do. It's not coffee without it.

I cannot fucking handle hair snippets of any size for any reason on my body. This is why there is a rigid procedure to where my husband must buzz my hair over a paper-towel-covered sink (to avoid clogging the drain) while wearing a particular tanktop Harley Quinn night shirt, and then I must shower immediately afterwards. During the haircut, my skin itches like mad like I'm being poked by the hairs directly even in places where hair snippets have never, ever gone.

I'm overly sensitive to the cold to the point of pain, especially in my fingers and toes.

Also cannot brush teeth with cold water because it's so painful (this was LONG before I had dental issues and persists to this day). Even my tongue hurts from it.

I'm picky as fuck with candy. Trick-or-treating was sometimes difficult because all I cared about was either orange-flavored stuff, or chocolate. Only specific chocolates, too (Krackle, Mr. Goodbar, Crunch, Butterfinger, Reese's, that was it.) Skittles were okay, but a lot of the baggies I got had a LOT the red ones and the red ones suck. Can't stand the other candies. (But my tastes have changed since then, and I opt for European chocolate from Aldi's as they are far superior, especially Moser Roth's 70% dark chocolate and Choceur's coffee and cream chocolate.)

Speaking of candy, the Whopper's Robin's Eggs tasted better than regular Whoppers and I will never be able to explain why.

Despite loving orange flavored stuff, I have trust issues when I see an unlabeled orange candy because there's the dangerous chance it could be fucking peach flavored. *gag* (I like real peaches, but the artificial flavored ones suck balls.) Due to my dental situation, I cannot enjoy very much in a way of candy, and the only artificial orange flavoring I CAN enjoy is through Vitamin D gummies... And even then, EVEN THEN I have to worry about the fucking peach flavors if I have to go with a different brand because we can't get our hands on a bottle from Simple Truth.

Artificial cherry flavoring is death.

The ONLY flavored medicine that was acceptable to me was orange (of course) and those dissolving strips that were grape-flavored that they don't fucking make anymore because fuck me that's why. Everything else was peer-pressured to do shots kiddie edition.

The different colored coatings on M&M's taste different from one another and I cannot explain why. It's very subtle, hardly noticeable, BUT I CAN TELL.

Peanutbutter is fucking amazing.

The smell of peanutbutter is fucking not.

There are these frozen meals my husband gets for days he doesn't have energy to cook and one of them (all from the same brand) smells like fucking hell.

My husband's Nissan Cup Noodle ramen overpowers my incense despite what other household members say.

I love incense, especially dragonsblood, "coffee time," pumpkin spice, raven, and rain.

All of the autumn scents or scents associated with autumn are orgasmic to me.

The smell of artificial cherry is death.

I would love to have perfume or body spray of Play-Doh.

I can compare smells of some places to others, such as the library branch I frequent smells like my gradeschool, as do SOME of their books' pages, and when my husband and I walked through this hall-like tunnel-like storefront in downtown Pittsburgh, I said it smelled like my grandma's basement, and he thought the same, so we're in aggreeance that all grandma's basements smell the same. Except for my Baba and Deda's. Their basement smelled like they actually still enjoy life and had their shit together.

Speaking of gradeschool smells, my gradeschool had two directions of classrooms, one led towards the gym, but the hall off to the side was carpeted, had some nice colors, and held 2 kindergarten classes and 2 first grade classes. That section of the building had its distinctive smells. The other direction led to the office, the cafeteria, and the hall with the 2 classes of grades 2 through 5 plus the preschool and the art/music class was. The smell was different in all classes EXCEPT for the music/art class, and I never went to preschool so I wouldn't know what that smells like.

ALL PRINCIPLE OFFICES SMELL THE SAME. HOW.

I could smell when my husband accidentally put in cinnamon when he thought he grabbed paprika in a dish that I liked. He was terrified of telling me. That was a happy accident and it became a permanent ingredient. He was mortified and shocked that I could smell his whoopsie in my dinner he made me.

I can also smell the cinnamon they use in Little Caeser's pizza crust. Yes. They use cinnamon. But I was the only one to notice.

Honey is like peanutbutter: it tastes amazing. But holy shit fuck that smell.

Gas stations smell like death, sadness, and questioning life's choices.

No two people's car interiors smell alike.

I can smell when it will rain soon, especially if it's about to storm.

I'm the one who noticed that hairy white oldfield asters smell like cake batter.

Dominant yellow filling my entire vision can be sometimes painful.

I used to be able to "hear" the color yellow in my head so much I thought yellow actually made a noise. It was a particular shade of yellow, and it made this Playskool toy-like clicking bell ringing noise, but really obnoxiously, almost painfully. I don't know how to describe the shade other than "cloudy pastel lemon?" It looked like the fucking lemon-flavored medicine I had to take as a kid.

My parents tried mixing in this cherry flavored death medicine in with my orange soda thinking I wouldn't know the difference but I did, so I dumped it down the drain and opened a new can because that can of Big K orange was fucking ruined.

Orange is wonderful to my eyes. But it's a hard color for me to find when it comes to getting things in a particular color. My back-up colors are red, green, and purple.

The sunlight hurts my retinas, even when I'm not looking at the sky at all, but the pain intensity increases the further I look up on a sunny summer day. This has been like this since childhood. Prescriptive sunglasses shouldn't be fucking expensive and should be covered by healthcare insurance.

I have to try really FUCKING hard not to stare at someone's muscles in person because ugh... Good thing I rarely see anybody who's well-built. (No really, this isn't even really a sexual thing, I'm so fucking fascinated and once I realize "oh, so that particular muscle looks like that from that angle", I get a glimmer of hope that I MIGHT be able to draw something humanoid since I suck at drawing people.)

Orange trees as so pleasing to the eye, and these are much more socially acceptable to stare at, lest I'm in person and the property owner might think I'm plotting to steal some (luckily I've never been anywhere near a place that grows orange trees).

Neon lights are amazing and I want them to come the fuck back. I swear, stores were so much more enjoyable of an environment when they were common. Such lights improve my mood in a way I cannot describe. I'm no longer in a hurry to get home if I am in the presence of neon lights.

Sunny days during winter are painful because the sunlight reflects off the snow. I'm painfully blinded if I look outside or go anywhere.

I cannot handle the sight of someone having boogers/snot hanging from their nose, not the sight of someone vomiting, nor the sight of an syringe needle piercing flesh.

I cannot handle the sound of alarm clock bells. I have woken up in a rage and been in a bad mood I try so hard to suppress for a good portion of the day. If I hear an alarm clock bell now these days, I wanna take it and chuck it across the room regardless the time of day or if I'm already awake. It's not so bad if I hear it from a video. In person? That's starting a war with me.

Children crying or screaming (especially babies) are almost painful to me and triggers my fight-or-flight response.

The reason why I was the loudest mellophone player in marching band was to drown out hearing the fucking trumpets. And I did; I was louder than the trumpets. (I quit marching band my sophomore year but for different reasons.)

Much of the music from the 80s that gave it that sound that definitely said it's from the 80s is very pleasing to my ears.

I love punk music for its messages, lyrics, and energy, but goth always puts me into a headspace where I feel like I'm at home; I'm at peace and want to cuddle the monster under my bed.

However, some punk songs can hit deep or strong and live rent-free in my head, such as Anti-Flag's "Racist," Bikini Kill's "Rebel Girl," and Skarpretter's "Nazi Scum."

One particular artist's voice I cannot get over because his is the first voice of any kind that makes me wanna fan myself is Peter Steele of Type O Negative. My favorite song, however, is "All Hallow's Eve" because his voice, the subject, and the lyrical content.

I'm able to hear something off in the oscillating fan my husband likes to use before he notices it.

I'm the one who can hear coyotes at night (doesn't help my mom wants to blast westerns to drown out the world and I'm back here in my room away from that shit though).

I can hear the branches scraping against the house, gently making creepy noises before I realize what the fuck it is, BUT NOBODY ELSE HEARS IT.

I can recognize the call of a robin because we had so many at the house I grew up in, and nobody else in this family fucking noticed.

I tend to notice the sound of the rain over all the house noise first.

I don't like tight clothing, which is why I prefer bralettes because my tits hurt.

If I could, I'd go without the bra because the band can sometimes suddenly feel tighter than it actually is, but because I have large nipples, I kinda need that bra for a bit of protection.

Shorts can be tight around the crotch, hip joins, and lower belly region, and that's a big no-no for me.

I'd prefer baggy pants, honestly.

Can't have tight footwear. No.

The seam at the top of socks or tights hurt my pinky toes if the whole sock/tights shift that way.

I already covered the hair snippet thing so since this is the sense of touch, another body hair thing is I kinda don't wanna shave my pits anymore because they are extremely itchy when they grow back. HAVE to shave my crotch because if I don't it gets horribly itchy, and my thick, fast-growing hair weaves into underwear, gets caught in pads, etc.

Ah yes. Pads. I hate them, but they're far more acceptable than a tampon or a cup because I have vaginismus.

Certain fabric textures are itchy as hell. There's a black shirt I have whose collar and cuffs are gorgeous but I have to wear something underneath to avoid feeling itchy.

Winter is hell for me here in the midwest, as I am very susceptible to the cold to the point of pain, especially in my fingers and toes. I become very slow, too. I feel like I can't get warm enough most of the time.

Air conditioned places in the summer feel almost similar, so I don't always wear shorts if I'm expected to go into, say, a Walmart with my husband to pick up everything. I'll shiver.

(We're gonna get into TMI territory here.) Can't masturbate by hand unless I've got a nitrile glove on because my brain only focuses on what my fingers are touching more than what my cunt feels.

Can't have any sex with my husband without anything brighter than low-light because things can be visually distracting in the room, or lights can suddenly feel way too bright to me. (Halloween string lights or those LED rope lights with adjustable brightness features and colors are excellent for this situation.)

In Conclusion

This is all that I've figured out so far. None of this hit me at once as a realization when I figured out that I'm Autistic. This took a while to realize it, and the realizations were mostly at random times through examples of other people experiencing it on the internet or through me going, "Huh, is that an Autistic trait?"

There may be even more that I'm currently unaware of or have forgotten to type here.

I apologize for how extremely lengthy this was. This took all day to type because of having to get up and do other things that needed to be done. One of the reasons why I really wanted to type this is because it's much easier to organize this on a computer, and I am absolutely shit at organizing files on my computer.

Unfortunately, while my husband is wonderful in supporting me, my parents aren't exactly all that great at it. Especially my dad, who is either vaguely dismissive or outright "forgets" that I'm Autistic (he honestly just... doesn't care, and tries to make things convenient for him at the expense of others most of the time). My mom... I'm not real sure. There are times where she seems to remember and others where she doesn't. I'm honestly wondering if they don't like knowing that I'm Autistic because that means my brother would have been as his traits were far more obvious than mine.

I hope that whoever is questioning whether or not they're Autistic has found this helpful at least in the sense that it would point you in the right direction on where to go next, but I would highly recommend checking out online Autistic communities, as that's where I've discovered that I'm on the spectrum.