#this is what happens when you reread Solitaire

[bebop-robyn]

Tori is cold, sad, depressed Michael is warm, angry, and filled with emotion. They balance each other out. Tori cools Michael down calms Michael allowing his anger to subside she cools him down (once again the hot and cold dynamic). Michael brings warmth and happiness into Tori's life allowing her not to be so cold and detached from everything and making her hate herself a little less. They both hate themselves which is funny because they both love each other and want to be more like each other. I think they both saved each other to be honest and they know it by the end. I hope they find a way to teach each other how to live a more balanced way after the book. I really love these two characters I just wanted to dump all these thoughts somewhere I have more but there's too many and they are hard to put down and they are just swirling around. Also yeah I just finished reading solitaire at 3am and I don't regret it <3 <3

[emycantconsentrate]

solitaire Ranttttt

I love this book and I've read it at least 30 times. i just want to say before I start that these are my personal opinions about the book.

I know i said I've read it a lot but i still don't know everything so please don't get mad if i get any facts incorrect.

Solitaire starts as Victoria (tori) Spring is starting school after x-mas or winter break. Tori lives with her mom, dad, and two brothers, Charlie and Oliver. Charlie, who is also in the heartstopper comics, struggles with an ED. I truly think that this effects Tori's life a lot. I know its not Charlies fault but I'm sure tori is almost constantly worrying about him. Tori and her mother don't get along very well. I'm not entirely sure why they don't but i think they touch more on that fact in This Winter. I've read it but it was a long time ago and i really need a reread.

on a different note. I've been needed to talk about this but none of my friends care enough. This is a controversial opinion but i hate Becky. she is such a bitch to tori and i just can't stand her. i know most of the time when tori and her would fight it would be when Becky is drunk but that doesn't make anything she has done right. she dated Ben Hope, one of the worst people in the universe of solitaire. i guess i don't really have a true reason to hate her accept for the fact that i have had friends like Becky. its all fine and its a beautiful friendship, then out of nowhere they go behind you and become friends or start dating someone that isn't a good person. they don't know they are a bad person and you do. and if you try to tell them that they are a bad person they either don't care or they don't believe you. I truly don't get why people like Becky. this is way too much but I'm going to do it any way. I'm going to analyze one of their fights.

pages 226-228 Solitaire

Becky was kissing Ben Hope after 100% knowing how awful of a person he was and still is to her best friends little brother. Tori sees this happening at the Solitaire party and is furious. which is completely reasonable because of how actually nasty he is.

after ben walks off Becky asks tori what she's looking at. in the next bit tori just goes off on her saying stuff like "you are a nasty bitch," and "you just don't care, do you?"

"that's it isn't it? I'm you naive little friend whose sad little life makes you feel better about yourself. well, you're absolutely spot-on there. I haven't got a single clue about anything. But you know what i do know? I know when someone is being a nasty bitch. Go ahead and cry your little crocodile tears if you want to. You don't fucking care at all do you?" this is a rant Tori goes on while arguing. This leaves Becky absolutely speechless.

"well- you- you're the one being a nasty bitch! Jesus Christ just calm down." After Becky says this Tori tells the reader that, i quote, "this is bad. I need to stop. I can't" Tori is now aware that she can't help was she says anymore. She no longer trust Becky. She no longer has a "BFF". Becky has betrayed her.

Tori continues to yell at Becky. "I'm sorry - do you have any comprehension of the level of betrayal you have just reached? Do you have any concept of friendship? I didn't think it was possible for someone to be that selfish, but clearly i've been wrong all this time" Tori is very very upset now and then says " You've killed me. You've literally killed me."

Becky has single handedly DESTORYED Tori. Becky is awful, and of course she just tells her to calm down. she literally was just making out with a boy that SA'd HER BEST FRIENDS BROTHER! and she knew he did it. which is ACTUALLY INSANE!!!!!

just the amount of betrayal and shit she caused makes be fucking sick to my stomach. yeah i do know that its a fake story and they aren't real people. it's just the fact that people like Becky do really do shit like this. I can't believe people are actually capable of stuff like this.

i really need to shut up but i have two more quotes from Tori then I'll stop.

"You have solidly proven that everyone and everything is shit. well done. Gold star. please delete yourself from my life."

" i am gone. I am gone. I guess everyone is like this. Smiles, hugs, years together, holidays, late night confessions, tears, phone calls, one million words - they don't mean anything. Becky doesn't care. No one really cares."

thank you for listening/reading

[yellowocaballero]

you're insane you're like that one cyberpunk bartender who gives you emotions in drinks you're INSANE how is it not magic if you throw my heart like a yo-yo. what the fuck is just. you're writing words and make me feel things but im not just me i am also the system that is me. my cells are crying their hormone residue or whatever. my cells are living organisms in their own right. you got thirty five trillion cells all going AAAAA your outreach over the living is insane

the title name drop... the classic yellow_caballero dilemma that was sewn into the work from the first chapter... iirc you stated it was mostly based around your inner dialogue at some point right

oh im going to be sick it's time to reread solitaire.

Love how Solitaire is gonna fix you. Somehow. For some reason. Is this because I said that Melanie has the voice closest to my own.

Big fan of this ask, it's evocative. Thank you very much for the vivid mental picture you've painted. I do gotta say that many commenters are like 'this made me feel the most insane emotion of all time', but they don't actually tell me what emotion it is. I don't know what emotion it is. My work is a saltine cracker to me, it evokes no emotion, all I see are words, what emotion is happening right here. One that is apparently so weird that people are reporting back 'sir I'm having an emotion'. ???. Oh well.

I like asking questions! I never thought of my work has having dilemmas, but you're really right. I like presenting a problem/question and showing the character chasing the solution/answer. Oftentimes there's no answer, but that's just life.

Did I say it was based off my inner dialogue? It's possible. I know I definitely said that the question of "how the fuck do I live happily when I'm so fucked up" is something I grappled with a lot in college. I felt very broken. In a way, for a long time I was also seeking perfect and constant happiness, but that search almost ruined my life. I've had to reassess how I saw the world many times, as hopefully everybody does, and at a certain point I had to abandon imposing external judgments and constructs and just start vibing. It's okay if things aren't okay, actually. Do you have any idea how long it took for me to get that.

[retrieve-the-kraken]

9 favourite books

Thank you @gwiazdziarka for tagging me (and thanks for all those book recs, I’m adding all of them to my list, except for the ones that I’ve already read), and I agree, maybe all of these won’t be my absolute favorite books, but they’re either books that I think about a lot, or books that have a special place in my heart, but not necessarily something that I go back to over and over.

The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint Exúpery

This one is definitely a favorite. It’s a book that I’ve reread many times, because I feel that it has a different feel every time, depending on what I’m going through at that moment. Also a classic. Love it so much that I’ve started to collect editions in different languages; so far I have Spanish (of course), French, Italian, Chinese, Korean, Japanese, Euskera (possibly one of the rarest), and Swedish (of course, because I intend to be able to read it by next year).

Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman

Also an absolute favorite, classic down-the-rabbit-hole type story that takes place in London Below. Fell in love with it, with the world-building within an already existing world. If i actually had to list 9 of my favorite books, pretty sure the whole list would be Neil Gaiman, but this book is both entertaining and comforting, so I pick this one. The BBC radio drama adaptation starring James McAvoy and Natalie Dormer is also excellent. Still waiting for the book sequel, though…

84 Charing Cross Road by Helene Hanff

The most charming book in history, composed entirely of letters between an aspiring writer and rare books collector in New York and the manager of a rare books bookshop in London. Their relationship is platonic, and yet one of the most romantic things I have ever read. The movie adaptation is equally charming and it has Anthony Hopkins and Judi Dench in it. Read the book first, then watch the movie, then cry endlessly. Rinse and repeat.

Like a Hole in the Head by Jen Banbury

You should know that I get a lot of book recommendations from TV shows, so I decided to hunt down this book when Monica was reading it in more than one episode of Friends (felt like a subliminal message). And it was fucking worth it. Also a book about a book. A dwarf comes into a bookshop where the protagonist works, to sell a first edition of Jack London’s White Fang, and only after he’s gone she finds out just how rare it is. Heist plot ensues. It’s equally strange and exciting, mind-blowing and cathartic.

The Opposite of Loneliness by Marina Keegan

Very melancholy, this book is a collection of essays, poems and short stories published posthumously, as Keegan died in an accident at 21. She was very talented and could write convincingly about many things. Can’t even pick a favorite one out of the collection, because they’re all very good in very different ways. Very bittersweet.

Los Caballos Estornudan en la Lluvia by Dimas Lidio Pitty

Another short story collection (the title literally translates as “Horses Sneeze in the Rain”), from a Panamanian author, from the region where I spent my childhood summers, which still holds a very special place in my heart, and which has a mysticism about it that he helps preserve in these stories. Dimas Lidio Pitty was very good at magical realism. One of the stories in particular is so brief, but it’s incredible how good it is in such a short narration.

Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury

I’m a huge fan of classic dystopic science fiction, and this one has got to be my favorite. The narrative is interesting, moves along at an excellent pace, and it covers everything. Another book about books too. If you haven’t read Fahrenheit 451, the premise is simple: in this dystopic society, firemen don’t put out fires, they start them… to burn books. Book banning to the extreme. What happens next? You need to read it to find out.

El Misterio del Solitario by Jostein Gaarder

I have been obsessed with this book (The Solitaire Mystery in English) by Norwegian author Jostein Gaarder since I started reading all his books when I was a teen (I don’t even know how I came across him, I just picked one up one day and went with it, it wasn’t even Sophy’s World, it was Through a Glass, Darkly). Of course Sophy’s World is probably the most famous, and it was very good, but this one is so strange and magical that I read it several times ages ago, and it was such a comforting book, and now I would like to reread. Maybe one day soon I’ll read it in Norwegian!

The Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum

Another classic and favorite, which I have also read many times. Some people like Alice in Wonderland, some like Peter Pan, I like the Wizard of Oz. I like anything Oz related, the movie, the musical, Wicked (the musical, not the book, tho), everything. But the source material is still where it’s at.

No pressure tags: @makingupachangingmind , @voldiebeth , @raincitygirl76 and @phoebenpiperx .

[sprngcat]

i just finished rereading solitaire and I wanna share my thoughts

I just like a LOT how the metaphors in solitaire are used to explain how tori was feeling sad and alone, as the history pass

like, tori is always feeling cold and with several layers of clothes. in contrast, michael with a t-shirt and pants not showing any signs of being cold.

and tori's cold just get worse and worse as the story develops, proportional with her mental health gets worst.

in chapter 14 of the second part of the book, tori says that "the uk has witnessed the heaviest blizzard since 1963" and I really think that this is a metaphor for UK being tori's body and the "heaviest blizzard" being her sadness, that never been so hard to control and pass through.

for Michael, I believe that his body being always warm can be a metaphor for his feelings too. he says that he is always angry, and this feeling cause some kind of heat, like when u have an angry crisis and your ears start being red and u feel hot, etc.

if u start thinking about, sadness and rage are feelings that walk side by side, if too much, can do a lot of harm to a person. and I really think this is tori and michael, u know? sadness and rage killing them because they feel intensely, and this is what unites them, this is how they understand each other so well. they complete.

also, in the same chapter (14) we can see the post that solitaire does, saying "we hope that we have added something to what could be a very boring winter" and we know that Lucas create solitaire because he hopes that some jokes and caos in Higgs can make tori happier (or just with less desire to kill herself), cause he was so angry and afraid that school left tori sad.. I think the word "winter" is another metaphor to sadness: lucas trying to put some happiness in the students lives, trying to do something good for everyone, but mostly tori

and at least but not less important, Michael wanted Higgs to burn, he thought that he can start feeling better if this happens, he thought that this might be a way out of it all (bullying, rage, feeling of not being part of something, etc). tori trying to put out the fire can be interpreted of her attempt to have all in her control, not letting her feelings be shown to the world. when Michael throw the fire extinguisher out the window, he says indirectly to tori "you dont have to hide, let it all out" and this is when she tries to kill herself, cause she is lost: in her feelings, in her mind, in her thoughts and she allows herself to feel what she's been saving for her all this time

but Michael stops her, he offers help and says that he wasn't okay too.. "I was never good enough. I get so stressed, I don't make friends... God, I don't know how to make friends. sometimes I wish I was a normal person. but I can't, I'm not. no matter how hard I try" but they can help each other to pass through this, to understand their feelings. if they are going to be broken, they are going to be broken together.

and after tori and michael let their feelings out of their chests, they start feeling better, not perfectly fine (cause nobody feels like this) but they are ok, neither cold nor hot. just ok.

"I do not say that all this happened in a single day, by a single event, due to a single person. I just know that once it started, it became much easier to let go. and I think that's how I ended up here."

love doesn't heal mental illness, but love can make you start thinking that the world isn't so bad, even if is just for some hours, minutes, or seconds. of course, if u have depression, anxiety or some disorder like this, somedays you are going to wake up and feel like shit, have crisis and think like you did before, but maybe you can count on someone to help you rise from the abyss :)

"well, you hate yourself, I hate myself. common interests! we should unite"

well, this was a little part of my interpretation reading solitaire, I hope u liked it, and if u wanna talk about it, I am very excited to hear some points of view!

btw, sorry if my english is bad, I'm Brazilian and don't speak fluently :(

kisses!!

[phoebe-delia]

Drarry Tag Game!

Thank you to an extremely talented and gracious human who happens to be my friend, @ihopeyoubothstaysafefromharm, for the tag!

✨  Drarry Tag Game! ✨ Answer any questions you’d like and ignore the rest!

When did you get into Drarry and why?: Long story short, I was a very lonely freshman in college and needed an escape and started reading HP fanfic as a joke/escape. I started with Dramione and found my way to Drarry and that was it.

Which Drarry fic hooked you?: I genuinely can't remember. I wish I could. I didn't have an AO3 account back then, and I used an incognito window, so I can't check my history. I only had a notes page on my laptop with the fics I enjoyed most but I have 0 memory of which one hooked me.

Top three four favorite Drarry fics: Pretty much everyone knows that my favorite fic is "Right Hand Red" by @lqtraintracks because I refuse to shut up about it like it a Healthy Amount. Two others I consider in my top are: "Operation: SMWLNTETHSP" by @xx-thedarklord-xx and "Fallaway" by @nerdherderette, which I really need to reread soon, tbh, because it's so fucking amazing. Also, Beautiful Madness/Jump Then Fall (Into Me) by @phd-mama because I love both and she wrote me the sequel for Owlpost because she's the greatest.

Why can’t you quit them? I feel like I owe a lot to them, interestingly. They, and fandom, have been there for me during my lowest moments, and one of the reasons I got into fic writing was to give back, in a way? I wanted to contribute to this thing that had provided me so much comfort and joy.

But more than that, they just represent a lot of hope for me. Watching them navigate life and work through their shit and discover what it means to be good—in every sense of the word—is so compelling and relatable for me. I love reading about them getting it together after the war because it teaches me that my best is enough, that I am enough. But also, if an orphan and a (forced/coerced/child) ex-Neo Nazi with PTSD and trauma can be happy, then maybe so can I.

Would you rather be friends with Harry or Draco?: I think Harry. I truly love Draco, but I am a very softhearted/nerdy Hufflepuff, and I don't think I could handle some of Draco's snark and insults, even if it's a joke. I can handle light teasing, of course, but I've learned I don't have patience for "friends" who consistently hurt my feelings and don't do anything to fix it after I approach them to talk about it, and frankly, I think Draco would put his guards up if confronted like that. I'm not saying that makes Draco an inherently bad person or friend, but it means he and I wouldn't necessarily be a good match. I think Harry, while oblivious, would be generally better about being kind.

Who breaks your heart more often?  Harry, my absolute darling. He's been through so much. I love when he's happy with Draco.

Ideal career for Harry? For Draco? Journalist!Draco has my entire heart and soul, as does lawyer!Draco. (Thus far I've only written him as a journalist, but lawyer!Draco is gonna happen one day, too.) But also I love him as a writer in general.

As for Harry, something I love to read and write is where he starts out as an Auror and then realizes he hates it and leaves. I think I wrote my favorite career for him at the end of "this is me trying," but you'll have to read to find out ;)

Also, I like him as a Cursebreaker or Unspeakable. But also as a craftsman. OH I love him as DADA professor so much. (OMG dragon tamer is so hot too). And, as Joy said in his post, AAAB, but auror partners can be fun sometimes.

Mostly, I want Harry's career to be happiness. That's his job. Being happy.

Harry and Draco are being sent to a desert island for a week with plenty of food and water. Each are allowed to bring three additional items (no wands). What do they bring?

Draco: hair potion, healing potion, and a deck of cards (so he can either play with Harry or play Solitaire to entertain himself if he gets mad at Harry lol)

Harry: Knife (or weapon of some sort. he'd want to protect himself and Draco if needed), and phone + headphones (even if he can't call/text anyone he'd be able to listen to downloaded music. Draco would 100% steal it, though, but he wouldn't know that phones die if they're not charged for a while so he listens to it for hours and it dies and Harry is so annoyed.)

Favorite non-Drarry HP character? Luna Lovegood (see: I am a softhearted/nerdy Hufflepuff). I ADORE her. She and I would be best friends. I'd go with her on all her adventures.

If you had to pick one, enemies to lovers or (enemies to) friends to lovers? It sorta depends on my mood, but I'd say I generally like past enemies to lovers. I love post-war fics where they don't really know what they are to each other but they can't stop watching and staring and their friends think they're both crazy but they can't help it.

Would you rather read a fic that made you laugh or one that made you cry? Laugh, I'd say. I mostly read short, fluffy fics, though sometimes I like the catharsis of hurt/comfort or a little angst with a happy ending. And I don't love fics where the main humor is a lot of embarrassment. But if there's a lot of funny banter or sarcasm, I love it.

Three Five songs that scream Drarry to you (feel free to include the Drarry-est lyrics!): Oh, this blog was fuckin born for this question. I know I've talked about some of these before, so if you want more in-depth analysis of these and more songs, see here, but I will do it again muahaha. (Also I'm sorry I couldn't just do 3 songs I am Very Passionate about this lol. The songs are not in order, and I have more...but these are the ones that SCREAM Drarry to me the most. I stg I'm gonna write songfics for the first two songs one day.)

1. "Dark Side" by Kelly Clarkson. ("Everybody’s got a dark side/Do you love me?/Can you love mine?/Nobody’s a picture perfect/But we’re worth it/You know that we’re worth it/Will you love me?/Even with my dark side?")

2. "The Thrill of First Love" from the musical Falsettos. (ALL OF THE LYRICS!!!!!! Seriously GO listen to this song. You don’t need the musical’s plot context. But I’ll give you this: “We ask for passion at all times/We stand for passion and drink this toast/Still it’s awfully trying/And we’re not denying/That of all the lesser passions/We like fighting most.”)

3. "The Way I Loved You" by Taylor Swift ("But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain/And it’s 2:00 a.m. and I’m cursing your name/So in love that you act insane/And that’s the way I loved you/Breakin’ down and coming undone/It’s a roller coaster kinda rush/And I never knew I could feel that much/And that’s the way I loved you" Read the fic I wrote for the song here!)

4. "Call It What You Want" by Taylor Swift ("My castle crumbled overnight/I brought a knife to a gunfight/They took the crown, but it’s alright/All the liars are calling me one/Nobody’s heard from me for months/I’m doing better than I ever was, 'cause/My baby’s fit like a daydream/Walking with his head down/I’m the one he’s walking to So call it what you want, yeah, call it what you want to." See the fic I wrote for the song here!!)

5. "peace" by Taylor Swift (I never had the courage of my convictions/As long as danger is near/And it’s just around the corner, darling/'Cause it lives in me/No, I could never give you peace/But I’m a fire, and I’ll keep your brittle heart warm/If your cascade ocean wave blues come/All these people think love’s for show/But I would die for you in secret/The devil’s in the details, but you got a friend in me/Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?" Read the fic I wrote for this song here!)

Tagging: @written-in-ash, @romeoandmesittinginatree, @silver-de-vonne, @rockingrobin69, @m0srael, @geesenoises, @bubble-gumhead, @ronbinary and anyone else who hasn't been tagged yet and wants to play!

[salemontrial]

Counterintuitive things that people do in the Osemanverse fandom that make me go :/ [part 1, will add once I finish rereading the series again-]

Spoilers for Heartstopper, Solitaire and I Was Born For This

Boiling Lister down to just his crush on Jimmy: Lister is an extremely intricate character and his relationships with the other characters are really interesting, that being they boil him down to one part of his personality until that's all they see him as. So when people entirely forget all of that and just focus on how tragic his crush on Jimmy is (with good reason, it's devastating) it kind of makes me a little sad. I have never seen anybody talk about Lister's trauma. I find it extremely coincidental that Lister had That Incident with that woman and developed a substance abuse problem, and I wonder what's going to happen after he gets sober and has to process what happened there, how being objectified by essentially the whole world effects him, how he grew up without much parental attention because of poverty, it all lines up very well but I see nobody talking about him...

People wishing harm on Ben: I get it. It's understandable. We see how much he hurt Charlie and we want justice and vindication and revenge. If you've only read Heartstopper you'd definitely have that reaction. But once you read Solitaire you see how. Bad it gets. Ben gets exactly what we wish for, and it absolutely destroys Tori. She's angry for her brother, she hates Ben, almost destroys her relationship with Becky over it, but she sees how people were blinded by emotions and didn't even think it was wrong that Ben was possibly almost beaten to death. That incident was a catalyst for her complete breakdown so it feels pretty wrong to wish for Ben to die knowing how badly it affects Tori.

[teagrl]

I wrote a bunch of (lightsaber-related) flashbacks for Heart of the Blade that I defenestrated because my pacing was and is still a work in progress (as it always is introspective stuff killmewhydoIfuckingwritethisshit). Anyway, this is one of them. Placement is right after Jade Solitaire before the Winning Gamble is christened as the Jade’s Fire. Idk when that happens and since I cut this I don’t intend to excavate details.

“It doesn’t turn on?” Tionne echoed, a puzzled look on her face through the comm.

“No, I checked everything and looked through the specs that I got ages ago –archive nern esk–”

Her confused expression didn’t lift. Somehow Mara thought it wasn’t just about the lightsaber. She didn’t routinely comm Tionne. “Did you use it underwater?”

“I didn’t, and even if I had, it’s got a bifurcating cyclical-ignition pulse.”

Tionne blinked at her. “Maybe you should talk to Luke about it. He’s–”

“I don’t want to bother him with something this trivial.” So he could think that if she’d stayed in the Praxeum she wouldn’t have this problem to begin with? “I can solve it myself, I just needed to know if there were more lightsaber files anywhere else.”

“Not technical files, and seems like it’d just be faster to ask Luke. It was his old lightsaber, no?”

Mara felt her lips tighten. “Yeah, you’re right. I’ll ask him then. Thanks.” She closed the line and looked at her nav. In a few minutes she’d take to hyperspace so if she was going to comm Luke, she had to do it now. 

Settling her shoulders she punched in his personal comm code. The comm sounded and sounded without an answer. Finally she closed the line. She should have asked Tionne what he’d been up to or if he’d changed the code.

The nav beeped and it didn’t matter. She pulled the <i>Winning Gamble’s</i> hyperdive lever. First she’d almost lost the lightsaber and now this. Starlines whirled around her as she groped for her datapad, pulled up the specs, yet again.

The power cell, it came to her as she reread through the files. They were supposed to last near a century, but as it so happened, passing from Anakin Skywalker’s hand to Luke’s had to have the shortened the cell’s lifespan by half, or more. Easily solvable, she thought with satisfaction. She went for her tools. She hadn’t even had to tell Luke. 

[noramelll]

The Fault (And the Favour)

This is a fan story for @chronicintrovert​  ‘s book called Solitaire! I’ve read it so many times and practically studied this book while writing this. Anyway I thought it would be really interesting if there was a nick and charlie POV for the last few chapters of solitaire because i always LOVED to entertain that thought but after talking it over with a couple other heartstopper fans i just had to put that shit on paper. anyway, this will have MAJOR spoilers for Solitaire, also a trigger warning here for Suicide and eating disorder mentions! Stay safe and i hope you enjoy :)))

NICK 

It’s quarter past six in the morning when I get a phone call. The ringtone is loud, piercing through the peaceful silence of my room, and I’m jolted awake by the sound. 

When I pick up my phone and realise it’s charlie calling me, I get a flush of relief and anxiety in my chest at once. For one, it isn’t Tori who’s calling me. The last time she called me was when Charlie was sent into the mental hospital. Something about Tori’s anxious tone always gave me an unpleasant shiver down my spine. So when it isn’t Tori who’s calling, my shoulders relax and I release a breath of air.

But then again, Charlie’s calling me at 6 am. That either means something’s on his mind and he hasn’t got any sleep, or he woke up ridiculously early for some bizarre reason.

I answer his call. “Charlie? It’s 6:15, what-”

“Nick.”

It’s Charlie. That’s his voice, that’s him. But it’s the ‘him’  I’m way too familiar with. Panicked, distressed, on the verge of tears. I’ve seen this side of him too much for my liking: while he recovered from his eating disorder, while we ate dinner together, while he told me about the things he thinks about.

 I’m here for him. I always will be.

But god does it scare the shit out of me whenever he speaks with a tremor in his voice like that. 

“Char? Char, what’s wrong?”

He doesn’t answer. On the other end, I can already picture what he’s doing- putting a hand up to his face, rubbing his eyes aggressively, biting his fingernails anxiously, his eyebrows crinkled as he tries to figure out what to say.

But this time he knows. I can tell he knows what he wants to say. It’s on the tip of his tongue.

“Charlie, seriously, what’s going on?”

“It’s Tori.”

A chill goes down my spine. Not only do I notice the pure fear in his voice, but I pick up the sound of rustling in the background and doors opening and closing. “It’s Tori, Nick. She- She took off an hour ago, Becky just called me.”

“What?” I sit up in my bed, my feet are dangling over the edge and I’m prepared to pull on my shoes as soon as possible. “Where is she going?”

“To-To school.” His voice is shaking tremendously now. I can almost feel his hands trembling as his footsteps echo through my phone.

“To school… why is she going to school, the bloody sun hasn’t even come up yet-”

Charlie’s voice becomes more frantic, he’s panicking harder and the desperation in his voice makes it hard to listen to him. “Nick, she’s going to school because of Solitaire. Their- Their final operation is today. She’s going to try and stop it.”

It’s like something clicks in my head. Tori, Charlie’s sarcastic, monotone older sister, who once couldn’t care about anything other than her brother, Tumblr and watching movies, was slowly being driven mad by solitaire and their ‘operations’. The solitaire meetup party. The happenings at The Clay music festival that was hacked by solitaire. Then at Dinner on Monday, it was as if she had completely changed. Talking in sentences that made us extremely concerned. “Solitaire is going on, yet no one cares.” “It’s all fake. Everyone is faking. Why does no one care about anything?”

Holy shit. 

“Is she fucking insane? What the hell is she trying to do, get herself killed?”

“I don’t know, Nick, she’s alone and she’s going to do something bad and I can’t sit here and fucking wait until I’ve found out that my sister is dead, I-I have to do something, fuck-”

My shoes are already slipped onto my feet and I’ve grabbed my keys. “I’ll be there in 5 minutes.”

CHARLIE

I’m on the front porch before Nick lets me know that he’s coming soon. I didn’t change out of my Pj’s and it doesn’t matter. My sister ran off to try and stop this insanity of a ‘prank’- if it can even be called that-  and seeing how their last operation left, it’ll be lucky if she makes it out of there in one piece.

It’s my fucking fault. I’m sure of it this time. I do this a lot: pinpoint the blame on me, feel guilty, cry. It’s a routine that I try to get out of, but right now that doesn’t matter either because I’m completely sure that if I hadn't said something or listened to Tori she wouldn’t be off in the dark trying to stop a bunch of lunatics trying to accomplish god knows what.

I remember one night, when Tori was visiting me in hospital, she mentioned to me about how she noticed that I had gotten worse over time and that she didn’t say anything because she thought she was just imagining it. So she stayed out of my way. She admitted that she’ll always regret that.

That’s how I feel now, and it’s horrible and I feel fucking helpless and just as soon as I get that twisting feeling in my stomach I see Nick’s car pull up to the curb and before I realise it I’m already in his car, and my arms are around his shoulders and I’m trying to breathe but it’s so hard and I can’t do anything-

“Char, breathe. Deep breaths. Look at me.”

Nick’s hand is on my cheek but I don’t even feel it because I’m trying to remember why I’m so fucking anxious in the first place, I forget where I am and I forget who I am. I can’t feel my hands.

It’s my fault. It’s my fucking fault.

“Charlie, I’m right here, look at me.” He’s tilting my head up, and nick is looking at me. He’s filled with so much concern, but this calm tone helps me think again. I’m breathing. Nick’s hand is wet. I think I’ve been crying.

“Hey, you’re alright. It’s okay. Everything is going to be okay-”

“But Tori- fucking hell, she’s going after them, and it’s all my fault-”

“Hey, hey, don’t say that. None of this was your fault.” Nick has taken my other hand from his shoulders and into his, squeezing hard. The feeling in my hand returns. “Don’t blame yourself, okay?”

I try to believe him. I’m really trying, and for a while I do, and I buckle into my seat, his hand not leaving mine. He strokes my hand with his thumb while we whirl past the houses covered in the pitch black. It’s so quiet. I wonder what the world would be like if it was always like this

The silence is painful, it’s heavy and tense. I’m still bouncing my leg up and down, so I curl up into the car seat instead.

I can feel nick peering a glace at me every two seconds, without realising it’s making me slightly more anxious so I turn on my phone instead, to see if there are any updates on solitaire’s blog: any clue as to what the hell they’re planning.

And when we’re about a minute away from Higgs School, I see a Facebook post from Lucas Ryan.

‘Solitaire is burning down Higgs’

I’m staring at it. I’ve recoiled my hand away from Nick, touching the screen with shaky fingers. I’m rereading it. I’m trying to make sense of it. Holy shit. There can’t be any way.

“Oh my fucking god.”

My head snaps up to the school across the road from mine, burning down in a fiery blaze of glory, lighting up the whole neighbourhood with an orange glaze.

I’m already out of the car. Nick is out of the car. We’re both running onto the oval, snow crunching under our feet. I didn’t wear any shoes, but that isn’t important, because my sister could be in a fucking burning building. I don’t feel the cold as I’m running across the oval.

Nick isn’t too far behind me, at one point he’s taken my hand again as we rush towards two dark figures on the oval. 

When we get closer I realise it’s Lucas and Becky, and they spot me. they’re rushing over to me and rambling loudly about how they’re sorry and that Tori didn’t come out with them and that they got separated but I stop listening after that because my vision has become kind of hazy, and I’m trying to grapple the fact that Tori is still in there.

Victoria is still in there.

My feet are itching to move. Off of the freezing snow and into the flames. But Nick notices how my eyes keep darting over to the door because his grip on my hand has become intensely tight. 

“Don’t even think about it. We can’t do anything, Charlie.”

So I don’t do anything. I stand there as the flames engulf the burning building, I’m losing feeling in my hands and feet again. I have to move. I have to get in there, I have to save my sister. 

Then Nick gasps and Becky shrieks and I follow their gaze towards the concrete roof of the art conservatory.

Among the blazing orange and yellow fire, a small figure stands on the roof of the building. 

It’s Tori, and her hair is flowing through the cold wind and she’s looking down to the ground below her.

And she’s nearing the edge of the roof.

Without realising I’m dragging nick along with me as I run at full speed toward the roof. My heart starts racing even faster to the speed of fucking lighting when she moves her feet over the edge and by that point I’m already screaming out to her.

“DON’T!”

I’m waving my arms at her frantically. I’m running as fast as I can to the roof. She’s staring down at nick and I. I’m shouting and screaming up to her, to please, don't do it, and I'm so sorry for not listening to you. You felt the same way when I did the same as you and I’m sorry for not being there for you, you were always there for me and I owe so much back to you.

Then there’s another person who appears out of nowhere above her. Tori snaps from her gaze down below to look up, and I can’t make out who she’s talking to. The person is holding a hand down to Tori, and I’m praying to god that she just takes this person’s hand and step away from the ledge before my beating heart bursts out of my chest.

Suddenly Nick is standing in front of me and hoisting me onto his back. He’s clutching my legs as I try and scream louder, harder for Tori to hear me. She shines her torch up at the hand, and I catch a glimpse of Michael Holden. Any bad feelings I once had towards Michael melts away while I silently beg and beg that she just takes his hand anyway. 

Micheal jumps down onto the roof and stands next to her. They’re standing completely still. they must be lost in a desperate conversation, with the sound of crackling wood. People must have gathered around near us, because now there are many yells of joy and despair around me. But I can’t tear my eyes away because I’m watching intently, so closely, watching just to see if Tori’s feet move away from the edge. Please just step away.

And then Michael Holden and Victoria kiss. In the middle of a raging school fire at the brink of dawn. 

But I’m taking that as a win because her feet move away from the edge when Michael pulls her into a hug. 

“Thank fuck.” I hear nick from below me. The crowd around us bursts into a cheer. But I’m not joining them, and neither has Becky (who is now on Lucas’ shoulders) because we’re still waving up at Tori, yelling her name. My arms are so sore and I realise now that I’m not wearing a long-sleeved top but that also doesn’t matter right now, because my sister is up there and shes now looking down at me, and she’s safe, and I’m smiling so hard while sobbing, because she’s safe.

After the fire brigade arrives and rescues Tori and Michael off of the concrete roof, and as soon as she gets down to the oval I climb down off of Nick’s back and rush towards Tori. She’s looking at me in a way I’ve never seen before. I’ve never seen her like this before. But that’s okay, because she’s alive, and she’s here, and I’m now holding her so tight I’m worried that she’ll break.

“Fuck, Tori- never do that again, that was- holy shit-” I’m trying to string together a coherent sentence to tell her I was so scared, I’m so sorry, I can’t lose you, I’m sorry that I didn’t do anything. I’m sobbing extremely hard, to the point of embarrassment, but Tori’s crying too, and there’s this odd feeling of comfort I get while holding my sister who just nearly committed suicide on a burning building. 

She looks up at me, and my heart slowly starts to slow down as she smiles up at me. A genuine smile? I can’t tell. But I smile back anyway, a smile that I hope tells her everything that I can’t put into words, and I pull her into another hug and release a shaky breath.

Tori understands anyway. 

It’ll take a while for me to understand her, but she took that risk for me before.

I’ll return the favour.

[fromthewifecage]

Never Trust  A Cowboy With A Computer (AKA: Erron Black/Female reader smut)

I’ve had a lot of issues with this, I’ve had to edit the hell out of it, changing a bunch in the 1st chapter, so please reread Chapter 1 before jumping into the smut that is Chapter 2. It’s over 5k words, and it’ll be posted over on my AO3  https://archiveofourown.org/users/FeltAutomaton in a bit if you want to be extra kind and go give me kudos there :D Thank you again to @tomoka0013 @gojihime99 and @malicedragoness for your encouragement and all your help *blows kisses* Hope you like :D NSFW!

CHAPTER 1:

For once, the absolutely only time in recent history, your hair is behaving, thank the Gods! Actually, is there a God of Hair? Hmmm, maybe Kano would know? His stories of meeting Gods are always fascinating, even though he always exaggerates his role and prowess in encounters with said Gods. There is simply no way on Earthrealm that Kano could have stolen the Thunder God’s hat without being zapped into the Netherrealm. Plus, Kano has never produced this hat, so whenever he has one too many beers and starts on another night of tall tales, you nod along and feign complete belief in his words.

Maybe one day you’ll get to meet a God? Not likely whilst you’re stuck behind a computer for hours and hours every single day. Especially working alongside Erron-sodding-Black. He’s gone through at least 5 computers this year, 2 in the past three weeks! You swear he was doing it on purpose. In your steamiest daydreams he’s deliberately breaking his computers so you’ll have to travel to the ‘Black Dragon Boyz office’ (and yes, they spell it with a ‘z’) to spend precious time un-fucking his computer. Every time it happens, you swear you’re just going to tell him to go bother someone else, or get his arse down to PC World and find some spotty 17 year old work experience boy to bother rather than yourself. After all, you’re doing just as an important job for the Black Dragon as he is, well, almost. He might be a super amazing dead-shot sniper capable of assassinating even the most heavily guarded target, but you aren’t just IT support, you are a Black Dragon member too.

******** More after the cut! ***********

You spend much of your time hacking into Special Forces super secret files, reading General Sonya Blade’s horribly dry mission reports, or transferring money from one Swiss bank account to another before you could be traced. Well, that was why Kano had hired you. Yet these past few months you’ve been dragged to broken computer after broken computer by the obscenely handsome aforementioned Erron Black at least once a week. You hadn’t minded the first few times, after all, any time spent in Erron’s company makes you all giddy and wibbly-wobbly inside your knickers. His voice honestly does things to you, actually makes parts that shouldn't tingle at work, tingle. He has warm eyes that seem to sparkle whenever he speaks to you, or catch you staring at him, not that you stare at him. Much. OK, maybe a little. He has a smile that is likely illegal in half the known world. Long, strong fingers that you so often think about, especially when you watch him dance a coin across his knuckles when he’s thinking, his trick to keep his fingers supple. No, no no. No thinking about him. He obviously isn't interested in you. He’s a simple man when it comes to that. You’ve seen him make moves on people who catch his eye; he’ll watch them for a while, then walk up to them, give them a smile, tell them plainly what he wanted. Then you’ll watch them walk off together whilst your heart dissolves into self pity. A few months ago, you made a real effort to try to stop flirting with him. No more lingering looks while spending more time than needed helping him with his computer. The man was multi-talented with most things, just not computers. It probably didn't help that he didn’t grow up around modern technology. You gently tease him about being old and doddery around computers and he takes the jokes well, and really, you miss joking around with him, but it was for the best. Kabal jostles with you for mirror space, smoothing down his hair and giving the mirror a big grin. Why is it so easy for men like him? He probably rolls out of bed after 2 hours sleep with his face in a half-eaten curry and he’ll still wake up ridiculously handsome (the git). Whereas it takes a lot of fussing to even get your hair to behave, let alone look nice and shiny like Kabal’s does. Maybe you could make a small shrine in the corner of your bedroom to the Hair God? You nod to yourself, thinking Kabal must have done that. “Come on, you look beautiful. Now get your coat and scarf, and we’re outta here. If we don’t leave soon, we’ll miss it!” Kabal fusses with his coat buttons. Always unable to keep still, the man practically radiates excess energy. “I WILL BE SAD IF WE MISS THE FILM.” Tremor stands up from his own desk, the building shaking ever so slightly with the enormous man’s movements. “Not as sad as Kabal. He’ll start bawlin’ if he misses his boyfriend’s new film.” Erron spins round in his brand new swivel chair, his eyes glinting with mischief. “Johnny Cage is NOT my boyfriend and I don’t even care about missing the film.” Kabal bristles with indignation. He did care about missing it. He cares a lot. “I don’t even like his films, or him. I’m just watching it ironically.” Erron laughs. You feel that laughter, deep inside and it demands attention. Bastard. “Suuuure. Enjoy your boyfriend.” “He is NOT my boyfriend!” This was going to end up in another fight. Last week Kabal had called Erron ‘Old Man Withers’. Erron had retaliated by drawing on Kabal’s Johnny Cage calendar. (The moustache and glasses actually suited the ridiculously handsome movie star.) So Kabal put a mouse in Erron’s desk drawer and recorded Erron’s screams, playing them every so often whilst laughing. The feud had gone on until Kano forced them to apologise to one another, in front of everyone. This sort of idiocy happened probably twice a month. It had escalated to where people now made bets on how long each feud will last. The longest feud had lasted 23 long days before Kano had flipped. “I DO NOT WANT TO BE LATE.” Tremor tugs open the office door and the handle will need replacing. Again. You follow after the huge man, Kabal behind you is muttering about revenge. “Hey, Sweetheart, you goin’ too?” It takes a second before you realise that sultry Texan drawl is aimed at you. “Oh, yes. There was a spare ticket since Kira’s still stuck on a job.” Oh shit, you should have offered it to Erron instead. You’d been so excited to be included in the cinema plans that you’d been selfish and not asked if Erron had wanted to go. “But……” Erron’s face scrunches a little and he turns to his computer and hits a few keys in quick succession. “It ain’t workin’ again. Sorry, darlin’.” He gestures helplessly to his computer. “But… I only fixed it this morning! What have you done this time?!” You drop your bag to the floor, and peel off your coat with a frustrated groan. You are going to get fired, there was no way Kano would believe this. You are completely and utterly incompetent. No other reason. Your fault. “It’s those darn computer gremlins again.” He gives you an apologetic smile and shrugs with frustration at the computer gremlins. You sigh and wave goodbye to Kabal and Tremor, both eager to watch Ninja Mime’s latest adventure. This one was in SPACE and it was going to be amazing, and you were going to miss it. Nooooooo! You stomp over to Erron’s computer, your mouth twists into a grumpy pout. “That is it. No more computers for you! you want to do some work; then you can bloody well do it on a typewriter.” Erron replies with a “Heyyyyyyy” and a laugh. The throb between your legs from the laugh can just sod off. No more. Not when you were going to be unemployed and unemployable after this. Who was going to hire you? What could you put on your CV? ‘Failed IT support worker’? ‘Only capable of turning a computer on and even then it’ll probably turn itself off again when you’re not looking?’ ‘Can steal FBI or Special Forces secrets but can’t keep an old man’s computer running for more than 3 minutes before it’s broken again’? ‘Want to play Solitaire? Well don’t ask me, best try the sudoku in the newspaper instead’. You’re so engrossed in sulking you don’t notice Erron get up from his comfy chair to stand behind you as you perch on the crappy stool with no back (it had no back because Tremor had tried to sit on it). It was only when strong hands find your hunched shoulders and begin kneading at the tightly knotted and sore muscles, that you look away from the ‘blue screen of death’. “I’m sorry, but I’ll make it up to you, Sweetheart.” By the Gods his fingers are truly magic. His thumbs are rubbing magic circles into your shoulders and it feels soooo good. “Mmmhhhhh?” Maybe he is a God, the God of massage.? You close your eyes, your head rolls back and you enjoy the moment. Heat radiates from where his fingers touch you, heat that only gets stronger when it reaches your face and between your legs. He finds one particularly knotted muscle and you can’t help but groan your pleasure as his thumb circles the spot. His chuckled reply tugs you back to your senses and you quickly shrug his hands off you. Thank the Gods you have your back to him so he can’t see your positively flushed face. You quickly get back to tapping away at the keyboard, but your hands are shaking so badly from the intimacy, you struggle to hit the correct keys. “You sure you got that, Sweetheart?” The computer indignantly beeps at your clumsy fingers. “Says the man who has trashed enough computers to practically bankrupt Kano.” Your hands continue to shake and your thwarted desire swerves into anger. “I’ve made you mad.” “I haven’t been out in FOREVER, and just as I’m about to go out, YOU go break your computer. AGAIN!” “Ain’t my fault your boyfriend doesn’t take you out.” Why did he sound almost happy about that? Hang on… You spin around to face him. “What boyfriend?” “You know, the dwarf.” “The.. what?” “Your boyfriend, the hairy dwarf.” He folds his arms, and shifts his weight to one hip. He doesn’t seem too happy talking about this mystery boyfriend, whoever they are. “Is this some sort of joke?” You honestly have no idea what he means. Maybe he’s drunk or Kabal has told him this for a laugh? “I don’t think so?” One of his eyebrows rises in puzzlement. “I don’t have a boyfriend. I don’t have a hairy dwarf boyf.. why do you think I have a hairy dwarf boyfriend?” Maybe you have a secret boyfriend so secret you don’t actually know you are in fact dating him? Piotr, who runs a very seedy strip club in the seedier part of the city, is a dwarf, (and you only know him because Kano is friendly with him, he’s a bit scary), but he’s balding. Who does Erron think you are dating? “You said you did. You know, you were talking about him being all small and his hair got everyw…. He’s a cat ain’t he.” Erron has the good grace to look embarrassed at his idiocy. “Obviously.” Is Kabal recording this? This is ridiculous. “Shit.” “Yup.” “Then.. uh.. you should go catch up with Kabal and Tremor.” “I still have your computer to fix.” This was going to be such an awkward few hours. Sitting in the office in silence because the pair of you are idiots. “I can do that.” He throws out a warm smile. “Really. The man who can’t even use a mouse without breaking it, can fix this mess?” You can’t help but roll your eyes. If he even so much as looks at the computer it will probably catch fire. “I maybe exaggerated my lack of skills.” His smile wavers, and slides from warm to worried. You are going to kill him if this was going where you suspect it is going. “I maybe might’ve deliberately caused the error.” He holds up his hands in surrender. Yup, you’re definitely going to have to kill him. “I maybe did some classes a few years back when I was at a loose end.” “…… I’m going to kill you!” “How ‘bout I make it up to you? I take you out for dinner, there’s this patisserie we can go afterwards for the best pastries in Moscow. Hell, you wanna watch that film, let’s go.” His eyes plead with you not to hate him, but right now, you really do. “I have a hairy dwarf who’ll be better company, thank you.” That he was possibly asking you out and that he wanted to actually go out on a date wasn’t registering. All you can think of is the waste of time and how humiliated you feel. Everyone probably knows and has laughed at how utterly clueless you are. Kano is going to fire you for being shit at your job - after he finishes laughing. “Heyyy, Sweetheart. I’m sorry. I just wanted to spend time with you.” He really does sound sorry. His eyes go all soft and warm and apologetic and Gods, he is beautiful and you really do want to believe him. “You really thought it was accidental?” He tries to hide a smile and can’t stop one eyebrow from raising quizzically at the thought that you’ve been so utterly clueless. “Well… you’re… there weren’t computers around when you were young…younger, I’m just an idiot aren’t I?” The-all-too brief warmth and fuzziness from thinking maybe there might actually be something there between you dissolves back into embarrassment from being tricked so easily. You grab your coat and bag and leave the office whilst Erron stares after you.

Chapter 2

The flat is dark and cold when you finally get home. The bus had been late, and Russia in autumn is hardly the most fun time of year to be kept waiting at a bus stop. Fur-lined boots and a thick fuzzy coat are nice enough, but do little to keep your body from freezing outside in the colder months. Still, the flat has semi-decent heating, and a thick blanket and a fuzzy cat happily purring on your knee whilst you drink coffee soon has you feeling a bit warmer.

Thinking back to earlier you have to admit you’d have liked a boyfriend, and no matter how humiliating what had happened earlier was, you still wish that this boyfriend was Erron. Your cat, Bob, was great company, and he would never play mean tricks on you, but great company as Bob was, he didn’t keep you quite as warm and quite as tingly as Erron possibly could. Sensing your traitorous thoughts, Bob nudges at your hand with his fluffy head to demand attention, purring happily when you indulge him and tickle under his chin. You give him a kiss on his fuzzy little head as way of an apology for being so utterly traitorous. Soon your thoughts switch to worries that you’ll be fired once Kano finds out about Erron’s trickery. Actually, Kano doesn’t fire people; he has them eaten by pigs or whatever it is that scary gangster criminal people do. Who will look after Bob? Your bottom lip quivers as you think about Bob, all alone in the dark, unable to open his tins of cat food without opposable thumbs, meowing sadly for someone to change his kitty litter. A moment later you force a smile. No more feeling sorry for yourself! You aren’t some pathetic pushover, this means war! You won’t just put a mouse in Erron’s drawer, you’ll put three rats in there and upload his screams to Youtube. He’ll find 30 chickens in his flat and you’ll steal his lunch every single day. You’ll swap all of his guns for water pistols and laugh when he cries about it. A loud buzzing from the doorbell pulls you from your thoughts of revenge. It’s probably Kano and some hungry pigs, so you take three deep breaths to prepare yourself. Scooping up Bob and tiptoeing to the door, you peep through the spyhole to instead see Erron waving at the spyhole. Muttering various threats, you open the door and give him your best pout. “Cute kitty.” He holds out a pink box with gold cyrillic lettering across the top. “I’ve come to apologise.” You keep up your pout and take the box with your free hand, then try to nudge the door closed with your hip. Erron laughs and strides into the flat, giving Bob a quick tickle on the head. 3 minutes later and Erron has taken over the kitchen. He has his own coffee, has eaten two of the amazing pastries he’d brought and Bob is his new best friend. The cat winds around Erron’s feet, meowing for attention, steadfastly refusing to stop even when you refill his food bowl. Traitorous beast! This must be payback for earlier. “You don’t like pastries, Sweetheart? I can go get somethin’ different?” The bastard throws you a smile that would normally have your knickers falling down, but you’re still feeling sorry for yourself, and Erron-Bloody-Black is not going to get off this easily. You have to keep up the pout so he won’t suspect your revenge plans. You shake your head and turn to tidy the counter-top behind you, thinking hard about a plan of attack. How about stealing his hats and replacing them with hats identical in every way except the hats were all just slightly too big? Your plan of attack is quickly ruined when strong hands find your hips and give them a gentle squeeze. Your spine tightens, and you hope your gasp of pleasure wasn’t audible. Lips brush your ear, and when he speaks, his warm breath sends a huge shiver right through you. “Please, Sweetheart, I’m sorry, don’t hate me. I promise, I’ll make it up to you. You want me on mah knees?” The thought of Erron on his knees is enough to make you shiver again. A hard pulse hits you right between the legs. Oh fuck, that was unfair. “It’ll take more than that.” “More cake?” He presses a very soft kiss just below your ear. Another pulse hits. Your legs quiver but you just about manage to keep yourself upright. Your knickers are going to evaporate. “You didn’t give me a chance to eat them.” Your voice is surprisingly steady but you chew on your lip to stop any pathetic noises escaping, just in case. “Dinner, every night for a week. We’ll get dressed up all fancy and go to the ballet, then spend the weekend in bed.” His voice is lower now, rougher. Another kiss sends more shivers through you, nerve endings sparking. Your fingers grab onto the countertop to stop you slithering to the floor. “That’s pretty presumptuous of you.” “You don’t wanna spend the weekend in bed with me?” Your stunned silence is answered by low laughter and him pressing a kiss to your neck. The tip of his tongue teases your tingling skin, and this time you can’t stifle your reaction. Erron takes your whimper as an invitation to slide his hands to your thighs and tug up your dress so his fingers can find bare skin. You lean back against him, his warmth quickly bleeding into you. More prickles of heat fizz through your nerves and aim straight for your core. Strong fingers dig into your thighs as he tugs your dress higher, inch by inch. Warm lips pepper kisses down your neck to your shoulders, lightly dancing his tongue over your increasingly sensitive skin, chuckling to himself with your every moan and whimper. You grip the edge of the counter harder and let your head roll to the side to give him more of you. Each touch from his mouth sends sparks down your spine and you can feel a slickness between your legs. Oh fuck... “This ok, Sweetheart?” Your reply is a mere mumble but he still gives you a moment to decline his touches, his mouth and fingers still upon you. You quickly force a “Yes, please”, and are rewarded by fingers sliding to your underwear, skimming so gently over the silken fabric to tease you. You whine at being denied his fingers and receive a gentle bite to your shoulder in reply. Then he’s gone. Your dress slithers back down to cover your thighs with you almost doing the same and slithering to the floor. You turn and watch him stride through the open door into your bedroom. Luckily he can’t see how your face scrunches into a desperate pout from being denied. “You comin’, Darlin’?” Your reply of “Well I would have been” is mumbled through gritted teeth as you trot after him, wishing you have even an ounce of self-control. He sits himself on the edge of your bed, reaching out to a hand, tugging you to sit on his lap, your legs straddling his as you face him. His large strong hands cup your face, and with a smile he presses the softest of kisses to your mouth. He waits for you to respond, then kisses you again once you kiss him back, a little harder and a little longer this time. His thumbs brush your face, then his hands are holding you close to him, close enough to feel both his warmth and his heart pounding as hard as your own. He is intoxicating, his heat, his mouth, his hands, and you want him more than anything. Your fingers find his face, stroking over his stubble prickled cheeks to learn how he feels, your touch light, nervous at finally being able to indulge yourself. He smiles at your touches and pulls you harder against him so you can feel his burgeoning hardness through his jeans, his smile widening when you wriggle to feel him, delighting in feeling his arousal because of you and enjoying your own arousal demanding attention. Your skin prickles with building desire and impulsively your hands leave his face to tug your dress up and off. He kisses you again, unbuttoning his shirt between every press of his lips to yours. His hands are then all over you, your back, your ass, stroking your skin, teasing you with the gentlest of touches then squeezing you hard enough to make you gasp between your contented sighs. His mouth moves from your lips to your neck, his teeth and tongue teasing louder gasps of delight from your kiss reddened lips. Your fingers stroke through his hair then roam over his chest and back, then moving over his thickly muscled arms, learning just how he feels. Erron murmurs happily into your ear and against your neck, and his fingers dig tighter into your ass, moving you against his groin, becoming more and more desperate to feel you. He tugs at your bra and when no objection is made, it joins the pile of clothing on the floor. He growls into your neck in approval at your breasts being free, and using the lightest of touches, traces the back of his fingers around the swell of your breasts and over your hard, sensitive nipples. Erron chuckles breathily at your whimpers and how you shiver from his touches, your need building as you grind down against his hardening dick encased in his jeans. Every touch of his mouth and fingers goes straight to your cunt and fuck, if he doesn’t fuck you soon, you’ll explode from the building pressure. Your fingers go for his waistband and fumble at the buttons with sweaty and shaking fingers. Erron drags his attention from your chest to watch you struggle with the stubborn fastenings. “You’re an eager one, Sweetheart.” “It’s your fault.” “Yeah, I guess it is.” He cocks an eyebrow, lifts you off his lap and lays you on the bed. Said eyebrow raises even higher when you wriggle out of your knickers and toss them aside, but it’s in jest, and he takes a long moment to gaze appreciatively at you, his smile genuine, warm and tinged deeply with desire. He tugs off his jeans and underwear with ease and tosses them to join the clothes pile, and then he’s on you. His tongue and lips find your breasts, his teasing your nipples harder ever so gently with his teeth has you tugging at his hair. You feel the graze of fingers trail down your body to your thighs that then grip you tightly enough to leave marks you’ll feel for the next few days. His long, strong fingers slide between your legs, moving them apart to finally reach your cunt. Again his touch is so light and gentle, a finger brushes over your folds before dipping between them. His thumb searches for your clit, circling around the sensitive bud as his fingers find your opening. He kisses you again, murmuring between the kisses, he whispers how beautiful you are to him, how he’s wanted you for all this time, how you feel, how hard you’ve made him and when he increases the pressure he pulls back to watch your eyes flutter closed and your teeth sink into your lower lip to stifle your pleasure. He continues to tease your clit, using your slickness to keep his touch feather light. He watches you writhe beneath him with tightly closed eyes, your back arching and one hand tangling in your own hair as he changes the pressure of his thumb on your clit, sometimes soft, sometimes rough, sometimes so feather light you beg for him to be rougher. Your feet kick against the bedclothes, rucking them up around you both as Erron pulls more and more pleasure from you. His thumb leaves your clit and he laughs at your indigent whines, instead he slides a long finger inside you. You’re so wet and needy that your cunt accepts him easily, and you soon beg for more. With a smile he adds another finger inside you, then a third, scissoring you wider, his fingers moving easily with your arousal. You whimper up at him, voicing just how good he’s making you feel, and how you want to touch him. He kisses you when you reach out to grasp his long, thick cock, stroking him harder, feeling the velvet softness of the skin over iron hardness. Your kisses quicken and deepen, tongues entwining, teeth biting at the others lips, desire building so quickly that every touch is almost desperate. When you whisper how you want him inside you he eagerly slides his fingers from you, pushing your thighs wider apart, staring into your eyes as he first strokes his cock harder, your arousal on his fingers coating his length along with the pearls of precum that weep from the crown, then rubs himself against your folds. He pauses, taking the moment to breathe, then tormentingly slowly, he pushes himself inside your hot, wet heat. His thickness feels so good, stretching you so wide you can’t help but voice your pleasure. He groans a reply and almost tauntingly slowly, he pushes deeper, his thick cock stretching you more than his fingers could. He pauses, allowing you both to catch your breath and adjust to just how perfect the other feels. He gazes down at you with heavy-lidded eyes that shine with more than just desire, his damp hair messy, strands sticking to his forehead. Agonizingly slowly, he pushes forward, his cock stretching your cunt wider and wider as you cling to him, until he’s filled you completely. Again you kick at the bed, the sensations overwhelming you, your head light and fuzzy, your skin buzzing as sweat beads along your scalp and chest, dampening the backs of your limbs, and between where you and Erron lie against one another. Erron groans with pleasure and kisses you open mouthed, eager and lust-filled, just so happy to be with you. He tears his kiss-swollen lips from yours to take deep breaths and you stare up at him, every nerve tingles with sensation, your cunt so tight around his cock. You stroke a hand through his damp hair and whimper uncontrollably as he snaps his hips first backwards, then forwards. You nerves delight in the friction and beg for more and you’re unable to stop from begging him to fuck you, fuck you hard and fast and to fuck you now! The pace starts out so slow, his fingers digging into your hips, his mouth on yours then moving to your neck, hot breath on sweat slicked skin. Your legs wrap around him, pulling your hips upwards, angling you so he’s even deeper with each thrust, his cock making your nerves sing from the friction and the need for more. Your fingers are in his hair, tugging and stroking and you whisper and moan your delight at feeling him inside you. When neither of you can take it anymore he speeds up his thrusts, still achingly deep, are brusingly hard, your cunt so tight around him that the sensation is almost too much. Sweat rolls down the back of your legs, prickles in your hairline and down spine. Your hands are everywhere, gripping at him, holding your writhing bodies together, and slipping on his hot wet skin. The tightness in your cunt starts to radiate to your thighs and spine. Your thighs grip him tighter and you whimper your pleasure and beg for more, desperate for a release. His replies are muffled, his mouth is in the crook of your neck and when his thrusts start to quicken yet further he lifts his head to gaze down in your eyes, watching as you come undone beneath him. He whispers encouragement, delighting as your pleasure builds into a fire that overwhelms and burns, every nerve aflame and so bright. You cry out and let everything wash over you, your body writhing as Erron keeps moving inside you to prolong the feeling and let you ride out your bliss. His hands paw at your hips as he comes mere moments after you, hips thrusts jerking and stuttering, spilling deep inside you, grunting loudly with his own overwhelming pleasure. He’s heavy as he lies panting on top of you, the pair of you struggling to breath again and calm your pounding hearts. Erron chuckles breathlessly, kisses you between deep breaths, rolls first onto his back, then onto his side to face you and props himself up on one elbow. “Think I’m broken.” You snuggle up against him, reveling in the afterglow, in how your hot sweat slicked skin feels in the cool air of your apartment. “Guess I have a talent for breaking things.” He smiles. He can’t keep his eyes off you. “I hate you.” “I know.”

[buildarocketboys]

Books read 2020: Reviews (1-20)

Decided to write a little review/overview for all the books I’ve read this year. Mostly just for personal record but please feel free to message me about any of these books!

1. Amberlough by Lara Elena Donnelly (Jan 6th – Jan 13th) 8 days 400 pages

I loved this whole trilogy, but this might have been my favourite of all three. I loved the setting (the main reason, apart from the queer characters, why I wanted to read this book) which is a fantasy setting based on the dying days of Berlin during the Weimar Republic. Loved this setting (especially the cabaret/music hall part) and it’s the only book that really features it. I also enjoy (or…find compelling, enjoy might not quite be right since there’s some very ‘yowch’ descriptions regarding torture/being beaten up) the story/plot most in this one, I was on the edge of my seat wanting to know what happened next…

2. Maurice by E.M. Forster (Nov 17th – Jan 21st) 256 pages

This is the only kind of cheat I have in here, because yes I did start reading it in November 2019, but I read the vast majority of it in 2020. I’d wanted to read it for ages because it’s such a gay classic and there were many sections (sentences, paragraphs) that I related to heavily, not even always as a queer person, but in that way that the best books get at the heart of something about the human experience in a way that’s intensely relatable to the reader. I think I found the romance elements kind of anticlimactic overall but maybe that’s kind of the point? It’s a happy ending, but in a very quiet way. (I think, it has been nearly a year since I read it!)

3. East, West by Salman Rushdie (Jan 17th – Jan 24th) 8 days 224 pages

I started reading this to compare it with its Spanish translation for my Postcolonialism in Translation essay lol. Some pretty interesting stories in here, also pretty sure this is the only collection of short stories I read this year, so it has that distinction. Not super my thing but acted as an enjoyable reading break in the local park while I was slogging my way through essays (and God do I miss that life now).

4. Affinity by Sarah Waters (Jan 24th – Jan 31st) 8 days 352 pages

This was the first of three Sarah Waters books I read this year. I have now read all of her work, and I enjoyed this one a lot – very much a ghost story. It wasn’t my favourite, but definitely sits nicely in the middle.

5. The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger (Jan 31st – Feb 5th) REREAD 6 days 500 pages

Reread this while on a trip to York, when stuff like that was still possible. As good as ever. I love Time Traveler’s Wife not for the romance (which is…interesting, but personally I don’t find it exactly enjoyable and the characters aren’t particularly likable or relatable for me) but for the prose and the structure. The back-and-forth structure of the book (travelling through time, Henry – and Clare – at different points in their life) makes for a breathtakingly constructed plot and I love it more every time. Some of the prose and stuff the characters talk about are kind of pretentious but I’m kind of pretentious myself (I discovered  Rilke through TTW) and a lot of it has stuck in my brain, to the point that 10 months later I keep thinking about it and kind of want to read it yet again.

6. Armistice by Lara Elena Donnelly (Feb 5th – Feb 9th) 5 days 400 pages

I really enjoyed this sequel, I loved exploring the rest of the world, I loved the interaction between characters who either hadn’t met before, hadn’t seen each other in years (there’s a time jump between Amberlough and Armistice) and brand new characters (who were mostly equally as compelling/lovable). A worthy sequel.

7. Consider the Fork: A History of How We Cook and Eat by Bee Wilson (Feb 13th – Feb 24th) 12 days 327 pages

My thing (at least non-fiction-wise) this year has been books about food and food history, and this is the first of those on this list. It was pretty good, very interesting. I have trouble retaining information from non-fiction books so I only remember it in the broadest strokes (and remember reading it in the Hygge café in Sheffield which was really cool and I hope it’s survived the pandemic) but it was a really eye-opening look into different appliances/tools/processes/spaces used throughout history and in different parts of the world when it comes to food and cooking.

8. Bi: Notes for a Bisexual Revolution by Shiri Eisner (Feb 25th – Mar 11th) 16 days 352 pages

I read this in the period just before everything started shutting down and the day I finished it (incidentally my girlfriend’s birthday) was more or less the start of the lockdown for us, so that’s my prevailing memory of this book. It was a very good, enlightening look into bi politics and what we (I, as a white gentile especially) could do better. But again, I don’t remember it in great detail because I was more preoccupied with what was happening around it.

9. Solitaire by Alice Oseman (Mar 14th – Mar 16th) 3 days 392 pages

This was pretty good but I definitely read most YA (well, reality-based YA) as an easy, quick read that doesn’t challenge me too much, so I don’t have too much to say about it. It was nice to read about the Heartstopper characters

10. What If It’s Us by Becky Albertalli and Adam Silvera (Mar 17th – Mar 20th) 4 days 437 pages

Again, early lockdown YA so basically brain popcorn for me. That’s not a bad thing though.

11. The Little Stranger by Sarah Waters (Mar 20th – Mar 30th) 11 days 512 pages

This was my least favourite of the Sarah Waters books I read this year, and probably not coincidentally, the only book of hers without explicit queer characters. But still a pretty good scary story.

12. Amnesty by Lara Elena Donnelly (Apr 1st – April 6th) 6 days 384 pages

The last in the trilogy. I still liked it very much, but not as much as the first two books. I think endings to a trilogy are hard to get right. I feel like there was too much focus on one character and his predicament (and while I enjoyed his ending and happily ever after with probably m favourite character of the series), I wasn’t as compelled by this one as I was by the other two.

13. Lisey’s Story by Stephen King (Apr 6th – Apr 15th)  10 days 513 pages

My first Stephen King! I actually really enjoyed this, especially the scary fantasy dream world thing. It wasn’t too scary for me (I am a big scaredy cat who’s just dipping my toe into horror novels since I figure reading horror is moderately less scary than watching it) and just overall pretty good.

14. This is How You Lose the Time War by Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone (Apr 16th – Apr 20th) 5 days 209 pages

Loved this! The meandering almost poetry of it, the epic enemies to lovers, the weird admixture of sci fi and larger than life fantasy concepts (and beings!). Will definitely return to this one again.

15. Five Hundred Mile Walkies by Mark Wallington (Apr 21st – Apr 25th) REREAD 5 days 224 pages

I read this as a young teenager and found it hilarious. It was one of my dad’s books (he might even have recommended it to me, although I did have a habit of reading anything and everything that was in the bookcase – Memoirs of a Geisha at about 13, anyone?) and I laughed out loud practically every page. The gist of it is that Mark takes his sister’s (or sister’s ex??) dog, Boogie and goes to walk the entire 500 miles of the South West coast path. I loved this anyway because I loved the South West (especially Cornwall) and love seeing it through someone else’s eyes. So I reread it and I still enjoyed it, but didn’t find it as rip roaringly hilarious as I used to. Guess your sense of humour changes as you grow up, who knew?

16. Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Café by Fannie Flagg (Apr 27th – May 10th) 14 days 416 pages

I’ll be honest, I struggled with this one. I’m not sure if it was the setting (historically, geographically, linguistically) that put me off or the way it was written or what. I enjoyed the story but it just wasn’t really my thing.

17. The Night Watch by Sarah Waters (May 11th – May 17th) 7 days 528 pages

My final Sarah Waters book (until she writes more! *fingers crossed*) and definitely my favourite of the ones I read this year. Set during the Blitz in London, it’s pretty much straight up historical fiction, and I enjoyed it very much. I think part of it was I related heavily to the characters going through this dramatic time in history, because, you know, pandemic! There were certain passages that really connected with me/felt like an echo of today in a way that was sort of comforting, I guess.

18. Doctor Who: The Maze of Doom by David Solomons (May 18th – May 19th) 2 days 272 pages

A fun, quick and easy Doctor Who romp. Not much to say about this one.

19. Room by Emma Donoghue (May 19th – May 20th) 2 days 321 pages

Possibly the opposite of the previous. If you know anything about Room (the book or the film, which I actually watched years ago) then you know the subject matter is pretty dark and harrowing. Because it’s told through the eyes of a child however, I found it pretty easy (in terms of speed rather than subject matter) to get through and read it in about 24 hours. It’s super compelling too.

20. The Psychology of Time Travel by Kate Mascarenhas (June 6th – June 11th) 6 days 372 pages

This, as far as I remember, was just a random one that I managed to pick up (metaphorically since I read this as an ebook) but it was pretty good. Possibly my favourite random discovery of the year, an interesting look on time travel and its consequences, based around the discovery/invention of time travel by four women scientists in the 1960s (I think) and how it affects the rest of their lives.

[thereadingchallengechallenge]

My Decade in Books Tag

ooh what a cool idea @backlogbooks ^.^ 

The rules: respond to the prompt “my decade in books” however you want, & then tag some ppl! I chose a book or series to define each year of the decade, some w/a little description. You can do that, or make up your own response 😊

2010 - Crank by Ellen Hopkins  one of the first YA contemporaries I ever read and the first verse novel I ever read. I absolutely loved it - more for the structure than the content - but it was wonderful. the sequel was amazing too when I finally read it a couple years ago 

2011 - Blood Promise and Spirit Bound by Richelle Mead  I read the Vampire Academy books more or less as they were released and these two were absolutely mind-blowing. Richelle Mead expanded the world so much in these two books and it was so awesome to see the world of vampires outside of St Vladimir’s. I really should reread these some time...

2012 - The Fault in Our Stars by John Green this is the book that got me back into reading <3 I still remember staying up all night to finish it and crying silently into my pillow when that happened. I read TFIOS about five times that year and I loved every single page, every single time

2013 - The Perks of Being A Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky  the first book I read after finishing high school. I loved Charlie’s story and I reread it regularly. they released a 20th anniversary edition with a new letter from Charlie late last year and I absolutely loved it <3 

2014 - If I Stay and Where She Went by Gayle Forman ahh yes, the year I fell in love with Gayle Forman’s books. I absolutely loved these two and was so excited when I got the Just One Day duology for Christmas that year. all of her books have been wonderful and I can’t wait to see what she brings us next 

2015 - Carry On by Rainbow Rowell the year I joined booklr ^.^ Carry On was the first big release I experienced with this community and it was so much fun falling in love with Simon and Baz alongside everyone

2016 - You Know Me Well by Nina LaCour & David Levithan  the first book I read by both of my favourite LGBT+ authors :3 this was the book that got me interested in tracking down more books by and about queer people

2017 - The Haunting of Hill House by Shirley Jackson the only classic novel I think I’ve ever reread. I love this haunting little story about a woman who just wants to belong somewhere. an excellent introduction to horror that isn’t too gory or graphic 

2018 - Solitaire by Alice Oseman I’m still mad at myself for waiting so long to read Alice’s books. I devoured them all within a month only to reread half of them a couple of months later. not a day goes by that I don’t think about all of her wonderful characters and I’m counting down the days ‘til I can fall in love with Loveless too <3 

2019 - Annie On My Mind by Nancy Garden if you’d told me back in 2010 that by the end of the decade one of my favourite books would be about two lesbians in the 1980s I would’ve said you were pulling my leg. Annie on My Mind was the crowning glory on a wonderful decade of reading and I’m so glad I tracked it down and read it 

whew that was so much fun! tagging: @nothinglessthanseven @flamingmirrorbookish @lizziethereader @plantpages @just0nemorepage and anyone else who’d like to join in :D 

[hathsinsurvivor]

i needed to write my feelings, feel free to ignore

do you know when your week is doing great and maybe you had one anxiety attack on monday but other than that the week is just... nice? this is this week for me.

i felt happy. not crazy happy because i have a college exam on sunday and i’m nervous but i was happy. my classes were nice, people didn’t seem that annoying and i wasn’t worrying about the little things. it felt good.

but obviously it didn’t last long. it never does with me. today i was happy and even danced on the street while listening to some music on my way to class! i’m always dancing inside but it’s really rare for me to feel good enough to not care if i’m dancing for everyone to see.

i was in class but i had already done the exercises and while i was waiting for something else, i started rereading solitaire by alice oseman. it is my least favorite from her books but i love it anyway, even though some topics make me feel uneasy. i shoved those thoughts away and started to feel part of the story as i was reading.

until i arrived at that part. and i knew it would be there because i had already read the book and the first i did it made me feel not so great, but j read anyway. that was a mistake. tori, the main character, has 2 brothers and one of them, charlie, has an eating disorder. fun fact: i do too.

i say i’m recovering, and it’s true, but i feel like i will spend my whole life doing that, because i don’t think people with ed get 100% cured (or idk the word for it). at least i’m not going to. and that’s fine, honestly. it sucks, sure, but i’m fine having to spend my life recovering with i have people to be there for me, which i do.

so yeah, having ed is hell but most of the times, now that i’m recovering, it’s only hell sometimes. and that’s pretty awesome, considering it was the worst thing ever for a long time.

the thing is: reading about it today, for some weird reason, wasn’t a good decision. reading tori describe charlie’s ed and more than one episode he had was too much for me. maybe because everything seemed great and this kinda shattered this feeling or maybe because my brain just wasn’t fine and i didn’t realise.

either way, it was shit reading about it and i felt sick after. and with the ed there is also depression (the word isn’t used but it is obvious). tori is depressed and extremely pessimist and although i love her character and a lot of times feel like her, the depression and ed combined was a lot to deal with.

i finished reading feeling... numb. first, i felt nothing. then, i felt sick and sad, really really sad. after that, it was me and my ed.

i’m not proud to say i relapsed. i wish i didn’t. i really fucking wished i was stronger and able to control it but i wasn’t. and realising that made things just more sad. all of my afternoon was consumed by awful thoughts i hoped were dead and long gone, but it’s not that easy. i’m not 100% better from earlier today but i’m okay. i’m going to be okay, and that’s what matters.

sometimes i’m going to feel like shit. feel as the world is crashing down on me and there’s nothing i can do to stop it. but that’s not true. it’s going to happen but i know i’m stronger than this, that i have people to help me and that i’m still learning.

some days are going to be like the beggining of my week, happy and fun. others will be like today: a fucking nightmare. but that’s okay. i’m recovering. and honestly? reading about charlie recovering, even if just a little, makes me happier.

to quote solitaire: “all i know is that i’m here. and i’m alive. and i’m not alone.”

[prettymuch-charliespring]

I don’t have an ED but I do have pretty bad OCD so I relate to Charlie like that but also in just many other ways. I haven’t read Solitaire but I found out what happens and that we are nearing that point sort of in Heartstopper. Like I’ve gotten help and stuff but I’m scared to see Charlie go through this because all I can do is think about myself and Heartstopper is really comforting, I don’t want it to be something that makes me anxious but that’s how I feel right now.

i hadn’t thought about that yet but you’re so right !! i love heartstopper but the parts that focus on charlie’s mental health can be triggering sometimes. i wish i had some advice but i haven’t really figured out a way around it yet. i did notice that the first time i read chapters 4 and 5, i was in a pretty good place and it didn’t trigger me. it was only when i went back and reread because i was already in that bad place. i’m so glad you’re in a better place and i hope that heartstopper doesn’t lose its comfort factors for you. sending you all the good vibes xx

[dawnquafam]

For the writer's ask, 6, 7, 13, 14, 15, 18, 25, 31, 33, 39, and 48. This is basically an interview, I'm curious and I also want to interact a bit. lol

Interviews are GREAT, I love answering a bunch of questions!!!

6.   Singleor multiple POV? – Multiple. I canbarely manage to write a one-shot with one POV. It’s… limiting. And hard. Iprefer jumping around.

7.   Standalone or series? – Standalone. Series are hard, man. You gottaspread the plot out and come up with a bunch more subplots, certain developmentsslow down, it gets harder to keep track of continuity… They have theirbenefits, absolutely, like torturing readers with cliffhangers, and as a reader/viewer I 100% prefer series, but as awriter. They be hard.

13.  Describe your writing process fromidea to polished. – Pfft,process. If it’s multi-chapter, I do a vague outline (and then the actual fic inevitably veers off-course). But mostly it’s just openup YouTube, pick a fanvid playlist, and write before I forget everything.(Writing typically happens from like 11pm-1am.) There are usually breaks to browse Tumblr or play games. I’ve been better about editinglately, especially with OM, HH, and HS, but mostly it’s just dump the thing onthe internet once I’m done glancing over it a couple times (and this usuallyhappens in the wee hours of the morning, so my brain and eyes aren’t reallygood at editing).

14.  How do you deal with self-doubts? – I think I just ignore them. Or stare at whateverI’m doubting until I go “Screw it” and post anyway. I’ve got mega socialanxiety, man, I doubt myself all the time, it’s just part of my being at this point. If I listened to it, I’d never post a thing

15.  How do you deal with writer’s block? – Tumblr. Solitaire. Some other phone game. Juststalling, really, if it’s just a bout of lost focus that last a few mins orhours. And if it’s long-term, well, I try searching for writing prompts, makingedits, or rereading my stuff or rewatching the movie/show the fic is based offof.

18.  If you could collaborate with anyone,who would it be, and what would you write about? – @my-glasses-are-dirty. Probs Tony and Peterangst, knowing us. Maybe Tony and Loki, or Peter and Loki, or all three.

25.  Favourite part of writing? – Getting validation. Um, depends onthe fic, I think. Sometimes it’s when I get to write characters cuddling (platonicsnuggles are my kryptonite). Sometimes it’s when they’re being badass.Sometimes it’s a kiss scene.

31.  Least favourite part of writing? – Actually writing. When I have an ideain my head but I can’t get the words right to do it justice. It’s so frustrating. There’s one speech at theend of OM that was all deep and emotional and I knew what I meant, but I couldn’t get the dang words to convey thatmessage at all. That scene got multiple rewrites over multiple days.

33.  Have you ever killed a main character?– HAHAHA abso-friggin-lutely. I’ve killed Tony,Peter P, Loki, Thor, Kirk, Steve… And in one of my book ideas, yes, I did killsomeone who was supposed to be a main character.

39.  Weirdest character concept you’veever had? – Oof, idk if I’ve ever had a really weirdcharacter concept… I mean Koba, the main character’s BFF in my Norse myths book,he’s an absolute dork with chaotic fashion tastes, but that’s about as weird asI’ve gotten, I think.

48.  What’s the most self-insertcharacter/scene you’ve ever written? – Nothing in fanfic, I think (though I do force my Star Trek preferences on characterslike Peter P even though canon has proven he’s a massive Star Wars nerd. Ijust. Never got into those movies). But in my books? Every single character isso obviously part me, be it the geekiness, preference for all-black outfits,love of space, whatever. They’re all pretty much some combo of me, one of my friends,and/or one of my fave characters.

[browniefox]

Kingdom Hearts Rising Heroes: Chapter 1

The Town of Exposition

Kingdom Hearts x @hearts-and-heroes

Blue’s home is destroyed, and the story starts.

oOo

“Blue!”

Darkness, like a thick black mist, raced towards the teenager as she ran from it, lungs burning in her chest. Blue skidded to a stop at the voice, spinning around to find Lamya on the ground, a black hand holding her ankle. Black creatures with glowing yellow eyes skittered out of the darkness, eagerly rushing towards Blue’s aunt.

The darkness had scared her, but it was nothing compared to the fear of losing Lamya. “Lamya!”

Blue pushed down the fear in her and ran back towards the storm of black. “GET AWAY FROM HER!”

Something in her chest burned and she pulled at it, summoned it out.

An object filled the empty space in her hands.

Without a second thought she swung it, the creatures in her way becoming black dust.

“You should’ve kept running.”

Blue looked down to see Lamya looking back up at her, tears going down her face, before the Darkness overtook them, a vortex that dragged them down into an abyss until it was all she could see and she faded into it.

oOo

The ceiling that stared back at Blue wasn’t hers. Brow furrowed, confused at where she was, she sat up. The room had other beds in the room, all of the other people not moving. Each had some bread and water set next to them neatly, including Blue herself. Immediately she grabbed the water and chugged it down, feeling as if she hadn’t had water her entire life.

“- three days, but I don’t know if she’s awake yet.”

Blue looked towards the only door in the room as it opened, revealing a woman and a man walking through. The woman seemed to be leading the way and stopped short upon seeing Blue.  

“Where am I?” Blue scooted closer to the edge of the bed, eyes darting around to try and find her shoes but not keep her eyes off of the other two for too long. “I can take care of this.” The man set a hand on the woman’s shoulder and she nodded and walked back out the door. He didn’t move any closer, remaining near the door and sitting down on the edge of one of the other beds. He looked… well, nice, she supposed. Black hair, glasses, a kind curve to his mouth as he met her gaze evenly and patiently. His clothes were… interesting. Mostly plaid and too many zippers. “Hey there.” “Where am I?” Blue repeated, noting the window to her right. She didn’t know how far up she was, would it be worth the risk if she had to take it?

“Welcome to Traverse Town. I have some… bad news that you may not believe at first. Your world has been consumed by the darkness.”

“Consumed?” It sounded like such an ominous word. Like something that was just gone, irretrivale, swallowed with nothing left to prove it had ever been.

“Yes.” The man nodded sadly. “Traverse Town is a world for people who have survived the destruction of their world but now have no home to go back to.”

Survived.

“Wait what about my mom, my dad, my aunt?? What happened to them?” The man sighed.

“Well… it’s possible the darkness got them - but they may be in town too!” He quickly added the last part, apparently seeing the hopeless and sinking feeling Blue felt in her chest reflecting on her face. “If you want, I can help you try and find them.” This man was was a stranger… but did Blue really have much of a choice? She could stay here, laying in this bed, not knowing where her family was, or she could get up and look. Wasn’t it better to do so with somebody who knew what he was doing.

“That’d be nice, thank you.”

He waited patiently as she found her shoes - under the bed - and as they left the few people roaming the halls of the building all smiled and waved happily at him, seemingly familiar with him. Traverse Town was very... aesthetical. Above them seemed to shine a million stars, no moon in sight. Lamps and lights lined every street, giving a comforting glow to every sidewalk and bench and railing. Of course, she couldn’t help but to shiver a bit in the cool night air. She wasn’t exactly dressed for the cold. Something warm settled on her shoulder. The man smiled at her as she tugged at the weight to find his plaid jacket draped over her, leaving him in just a short-sleeved black shirt.

“It’s always night in this world, so it can get a bit chilly.” He looked fondly up at the sky. “Every single star up there is a world. Stop for a second, really look at them.” Blue stared up. The stars blinked down. “Who are you?”

“Guess I haven’t introduced myself yet, have? My name’s Mark.” He extended a hand and she shook it. It was strong, calloused, a sign of someone who worked with his hands often.

“I’m Blue.”

It wasn’t long until they reached what looked like a town hall. Mark walked in confidently, and the people gave him kind smiles but they all seemed a bit sad, a bit pitying. He went right over to a bulletin board and gestured for Blue to follow. There was a long list of names in alphabetical order and Mark ran his finger down the side, passing countless names. Blue joined him to see what names she might be able to find. Anxiety sprang up in her chest as she looked at them, growing ever more desperate as she found place where anybody bearing her last name would be found. No mom. No dad. “Lamya.” Blue blinked and reread the name just to make sure she wasn’t just seeing what she wanted to see. “Mark, Mark I found my aunt.” “Really? That’s great! Usually it takes a while to find relatives.” Mark looked over at the name Blue’s finger hovered next to. “Alright, next stop is aunt Lamya.”

“Why are so few people out?” Blue asked when they were back out, frowning a bit.

“It’s always night here, so it’s not something as simple as that. Thing tend to lurk in the shadows.” Mark nodded towards one of the many alleyways and Blue paused to look down it. Yellow eyes stared back at her and she took a step away, bumping into Mark. He gave a chuckle and patted her shoulder. “Hey, don’t worry, I’m more than capable of fighting off anything that tries to attack us. Here’s your stop. I’ll wait out here for you. There’s something else I’d like to talk to you about.” “O... kay.” Logically, Blue knew she should still be wary of the man, but there was something about him that just seemed to exude honesty and an absolute desire to help. She gave him back his jacket before going to the door, seeing as he would need it out here more than her.

The lady who answered the door was hunched over and old and nice. She led Blue through the cramped house, passing people sleeping on couches and all over the floor and wrapped up in blankets. They came to a stop in a room on the second floor. It was crowded, but Blue’s eyes cared only for her aunt, sitting by a windowsill and reading a book

Blue ran right in and hugged her.

Chapter 2

The embrace was bone-crushing, as if it could take them back to their world, wake her from this bad and confusing dream. A part of Blue had been worrying inside, that in those final moments somehow she hadn’t saven Lamya (as much as their current place in a foreign world could be called ‘saved’) in those final moments before the darkness.

“Blue, I’m so glad you’re okay.” The teenager felt so safe here, wrapped in her aunt’s arms, having something familiar and comforting surrounding her. So what if the world had literally fallen apart around them? She wasn’t alone. She wasn’t entirely surrounded by strangers. She was going to be okay.

“I’m so glad you’re safe! The last time I saw you, those weird black creatures were after you. How’ve you been? How long have you been here?” Blue pulled out of the hug to look at Lamya’s face. There were a few soft tears rolling down her face, quickly brushed aside.

“Only a day or two. It’s a bit hard to judge ‘days’ here.” Lamya chuckled. “How long have you been awake?”

“Just for a little while. This guy, Mark, he took me to the town hall and then brought me here.” Oh, yeah. He was still out there.

“Really, just the two of you?” Her aunt looked a little concerned.

“Don’t worry, he seems like an okay person. He didn’t attack me or hurt me or anything.” Blue shrugged.

“That’s good to know,” Lamya’s brow was pinched in concern, “But, well, Murtle said that it was dangerous to go out in small groups… I think I’d like to meet this Mark.”

“Well, he’s waiting outside.” Blue completely left the hug now, standing up.

“Mmm, you don’t have to worry Lamya.” Somebody else in the room commented. They looked up from their rousing game of solitaire. “Mark’s a good guy.”

“I think I’ll need to judge that on my own.” Lamya simply replied.

They made their way down to the front door, and before they left the old hobbling lady stopped them at the door looking worried. She handed Lamya a jacket and then something else covered in leather - a small knife? - followed by a pat on the back and a little ‘be safe’. Mark was leaning against one of the many lamp posts, just looking up at the sky. He had a fond little smile on his face, and in one hand he was rubbing something connected to a silver chain.

“Mark, this is my aunt, Lamya.” Blue waved at him and Mark waved back, pushing off of the pole and slipping the necklace back over his head.

“Nice to meet you.” Mark shook Lamya’s hand. “It’s good that you’re out here, I actually have a… proposition for Blue.”

“What kind of proposition?” Lamya cocked an eyebrow, shifting a little closer to Blue.

“There’s darkness taking over worlds,” He looked up at the sky again, expression not determined, “But there’s also people fighting the darkness. I’m one of them, and so is Blue.”

“Wait what?” Blue half expected Mark to start laughing or yell out ‘psyche!’ but he looked surprisingly serious.

“Not just anybody can fight the darkness. Certain people are gifted with the ability to wield light. They’re called keyblade wielders.” Mark put out his arm and flicked his wrist. A beam of light glowed for a moment before revealing the strangest weapon Blue had ever seen. It looked like somebody had taken a piece of a night sky, one unpolluted by the lights of the city, and carved it into a swirl. Off the tip was a pale crescent moon that reminded Blue of still nights, rare moments spent with Lamya and her mom and dad, all together and comfortable and peaceful.

“What makes you think I can do that?” Blue asked, staring in awe at the blade. It seemed to have a certain glow to it, ethereal.

“Before the darkness won out on your world, some of my friends were fighting it off. They saw you manifest one.” He flicked his wrist again, and the blade disappeared into shimmering sparks and faded out into nothingness.

“You want Blue to join you saving the worlds?” Lamya asked, looking thoughtful.

“I won’t make her do anything, or anything you don’t want her to do, there are others then just the two of us. But every light counts, helps make a difference.” Lamya looked over at Blue.

“Well, he’s not really asking me. What do you want to do Blue?”

Blue looked down at her hand, trying to remember the feel of that weight, that weapon she had held for only a few seconds at most, with so much going on she hadn’t even seen what it looked like. Had it been the same as Marks? If she was gifted with this, shouldn’t she use? What help would she be in this town?

“I want to go with Mark.” Blue’s hand clenched into a fist as she looked back up, looking Mark in the eyes. He smiled, those eyes seeming to light up, and he summoned his keyblade again.

“Well, let’s not waste any time.” He motioned her over but Blue hesitated, turning back to Lamya.

“Visit often.” Lamya hugged her again, kissing her cheek. “I knew you were always meant for great things.”

“You’re gonna want to hold on,” Mark advised and Blue somewhat awkwardly grabbed onto his jacket as he took his keyblade in both hands. A bright white orb grew on the end of it before his smashed the top of it into the ground, shattering it and surrounding them both in light that blocked out Traverse Town, a sound like wind filling their ears.

The lights faded, and the town with eternal night was gone with it, replaced by a giant wooden door.

“Welcome to the Markihub.”