#this is what Maria had alluded to man

[moon-ursidae]

still thinking about how after showing the knife and telling this guy "you're next," Joel then makes direct fucking eye contact with him while stabbing his friend.

[tightjeansjavi]

Slow Hands | Chapter 7

“the losin’ touch, the waiting game”

A/N: so originally this was not going to be a super long chapter, but I felt like a lot needed to be said and boy, was I right. This is another angsty one, but I promise there will be more development of Joel & Beanie’s relationship coming in the next chapters!

Summary: Joel faces punishment for his violent actions towards Lucas. Tensions rise when Joel makes some accusations that test Tommy’s loyalty towards his brother.

~word count: 8.3k~

Pairing | Joel Miller x f! reader

Warnings: angst, family arguments, bigotry, picking favorites, punishment, tension, trauma responses, alluding to depression, explosive anger, resentment, violence against an animal (not depicted but there’s enough detail for assumptions to be made) mentions of a bullet wound, deprecating negative thoughts, mild gaslighting, unknown motives, mixed emotions, making up, starting over, soft Joel!, protective! Joel, no age gap, reader has no physical descriptions (skin color/body type) readers nickname is Beanie (coffee beans) +18 minors dni!

main masterlist series masterlist playlist

“Joel, do you know why the community that Tommy and I have built here has been able to thrive for so long?” Maria inquired her brother-in-law who was presently sitting across from her and Tommy. In short, Joel was brought in for questioning after Lucas showed up to Doc's home a few nights back with his broken wrist and a layer of skin missing from the side of his face where Joel had it shoved against the stone wall.

Word had traveled fast through the community, and Tommy clearly didn’t have his brother’s back.

Joel was irritated to say the least. He was hurt by his brother, hurt by Ellie, and by you. He knew you didn’t have the intentions to hurt him, and he couldn’t hold it against you, but man, did it sting.

“Because you don’t condone violence amongst community members.” He gruffly responded under his breath as he crossed his arms over his chest. His jaw was clenched under the sunlight peeking through the windows as he grinded his teeth together.

“Exactly, so what do you think happens when someone in our community acts out violently?” Maria mirrored his actions as she leaned against the bar countertop with a deadly serious look on her unamused face.

“For fuck sakes, Maria. You ain’t have to lecture me like I’m a goddamn kid. Jus’ fuckin’ reprimand me for my actions and get on with it.” He snapped.

“Don’t talk to my wife like that, Joel. Don’t you fuckin’ dare.” Tommy chimed in as he stood up from his chair but Maria held her hand out in a stopping motion, giving her husband a warning look.

“Jesus fuckin’ Christ. You’re actin’ like I killed the guy! I broke his wrist and roughed him up a bit. You both realize I could have made it so much worse, right? What the fuck else was I supposed to do? You saw the emotional state Beanie was in after Lucas grabbed her! Y’wanna reprimand me for doin’ what I feel was the right thing? Be my guest, but I won’t sit around here another fuckin’ minute while you lecture me for it.” Joel threw his hands up in the air frustratingly. He didn’t like to be put on the spot, especially by his own family.

“You’re off patrol for two weeks. You are not authorized to leave your house under any circumstances. Tommy will bring you your meals. If you demonstrate good behavior, then I’ll allow you to return to patrol before the two weeks are up.” Maria spoke calmly.

“You’re forcin’ me into fuckin’ isolation? Wonderful. Ain’t like I don’t already know what that feels like on a personal level.” He grumbled under his breath as he stood up from his chair in a haste. He had nothing left to say to either his brother or sister-in-law, and even if he did, it would have fallen sharp on his tongue from the anger that was simmering in the pit of his stomach like a kettle on the stove just waiting to boil over.

He didn’t even pay attention to the sound of the bar stool scraping behind him as he shoved open the bar door on its hinges before storming out. Tommy was right behind him, calling his brother’s name as his palm came to rest along Joel’s shoulder.

“What the hell is the matter with you, Joel?!” Tommy hissed under his breath as the older Miller brother whirled around to face him with a stern look.

“You didn’t even bother to fuckin’ defend me, Tommy! What the hell happened to havin’ each other's backs?! You knew exactly what I was gonna do! Don’t stand there lookin’ at me like that as if you wouldn’t have gone and done the same if it was Maria havin’ a fuckin’ panic attack on that goddamn bathroom floor!” Joel snapped as he yanked his shoulder from his grip.

“Defend you?! What in god’s green earth would I defend you for?! You assaulted Lucas! Every goddamn person saw you drag him into the alley, Joel! This has nothing to do with Beanie, and everythin’ to do with you tryin’ to be the bigger man! For fuckin’ what? To burn some steam off?! Lucas grabbed her arm! He didn’t grab her in a malicious way, Joel!”

“Oh, so that just fuckin’ makes it okay?! You’ll defend him but not your own goddamn flesh and blood? So be it.” Joel spat as he jabbed one of his fingers directly in the middle of Tommy’s chest. “Y’know what I fuckin’ think? I think you’re a goddamn pussy, Tommy. I don’t regret what I did, and I’d fuckin’ do it again in a heartbeat. So don’t even bother bringin’ me my meals. I don’t want to fuckin’ see your face.” His voice cracked as tears pricked the corner of his eyes. Tommy could see his finger trembling as his brother struggled to keep his composure.

“I never fuckin’ said that it makes it okay, Joel! Did those words leave my goddamn mouth? No. If you would just let me fuckin’ finish? Lucas shouldn’t have grabbed her. He had no right to touch her, but Jesus Christ, did you really have to go and break his fuckin’ wrist for it?” Tommy sounded exhausted and on the verge of defeat.

“If I didn’t go out there and teach him a lesson, then no one would. If that kind of behavior goes unpunished, what kinda message do you think that sends to the community?” He was awaiting Tommy’s answer but when he didn’t receive one, he scoffed under his breath and turned on his heel to head home.

Tommy did agree with him. That kind of behavior couldn’t go left unpunished, but he couldn’t argue with his wife and her judgment on the situation. He was between a rock and a hard place when it came down to taking his brother’s side, or his wife’s. Joel’s behavior had to be addressed, but what of Lucas’s and Seth’s? Was he really about to let bigotry fester like an open untreated wound in his community?

“Joel..” Tommy uttered in an unsure tone.

“What?” Joel muttered back in a bitter gnawing tone.

“I’m sorry.” Tommy wanted to say more. He should have said more, but he couldn’t find the words.

“No, you ain’t. You ain’t sorry for shit, Tommy. Couldn’t even defend your own goddamn brother back there? Fuck you. I’m done here.” Joel snapped before he walked off, leaving Tommy in the dust.

Tommy was going to have to swallow his ego one way or another, he was going to have to swallow it and not throw it right back up. So that’s exactly what he did, he swallowed down his pride with one hefty gulp before he walked back into the Tipsy Bison where Maria was still standing in the same position she was in previously before Joel had stormed out.

“Maria, we oughta think about this whole situation through a lil’ more rationally. I ain’t sayin’ we shouldn’t reprimand Joel, but takin’ him off of patrol for two weeks ain’t the way to go about it.”

Maria raised an eyebrow in her husband’s direction with a tight shake of her head. “So, Joel throws a hissy fit and you then decide to take his side? Tommy, he assaulted Lucas. He broke his wrist. He’s lucky we aren’t fucking throwing him out of town. I could have easily exiled him, but felt that was too harsh of a punishment to instill on my brother-in-law.”

“Maria, I hear you, but what about Lucas’s actions? Seth’s? If we’re gonna punish my brother, we should punish them as well. You and I both know I’d never let you throw my brother out. Don’t even bring somethin’ like that up.” He warned her with a disappointed tilt of his head.

“How do you propose that we reprimand them? It would be unfair if their punishment was as severe as Joel’s. Neither of them acted out in a violent manner, Tommy.” Maria attempted to reason with him.

“Maria, with all due respect, Seth called Ellie and Dina a homophobic swear. He harassed them in fuckin’ public. You and I did not witness the way that he grabbed Beanie. No one did because they were in the corner outside of the bathrooms. He claims all he did was grab her arm, but how are we to know for certain?”

Maria let out a sigh as she dropped her arms at her side. She did not enjoy disagreeing with her husband, but it came with being a leader. If Joel goes unpunished for his actions, what kind of message does that send to the community? On the same token, Seth and Lucas’s behavior was unacceptable as well. “Okay, let's meet in the middle on this issue then. Joel is off patrol for 1 week and he’s on house arrest during the evening. Lucas and Seth will be on septic tank duty for that week.”

“I don’t think it's wise for us to take Joel off patrol at all. Maria, he’s one of the most able bodied men that we have. Takin’ him off patrol could put the town at risk. I’m jus’ sayin’ that I personally don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“We have more than enough able bodied men on patrol, Tommy. One week without Joel isn’t going to be detrimental.”

Tommy let out a sigh as he shoulders slumped forward knowing that he wasn’t going to be able to convince her. Maria was pretty damn hard headed when she needed to be. “Alright. I ain’t gonna argue any further. I’ll let Joel know, but after he’s cooled off a bit. He was practically steamin’ out there.”

It was Ellie’s suggestion that her and Dina go and check in on you. It had been days since you left your home since the incident at the Tipsy Bison. You were practically rotting away on the couch in the same spot that Joel left you. Still dressed in the same clothes, with the cup of tea he made you left untouched on the coffee table. You watched the sun rise, and fall each day. You heard the birds chirping outside the window, and the buzzards singing their song, but you did not move. It was as if you were dead from the inside out. Your skin felt filthy after being unwashed, and you could faintly taste copper along your tongue where you had chewn the fleshy bit of your cheek to ruin. Your cuticles were torn with crusted blood along the edges. You welcomed the pain with open arms. You couldn’t even recall tearing your nail beds to shreds.

When you heard the faint knocking at your front door your head just barely turned to acknowledge the sound. You could hear two familiar voices just outside the open window where the cream colored curtains billowed softly in the breeze.

“Hey, Beanie?” Ellie called. “You in here? It’s jus’ Dina and I. Can we come in?”

No answer.

“Well, it’s rude if we just barge in there, El.” Dina whispered.

“It’s been days since anyone has seen her, Dina. We gotta make sure she’s alright.” Ellie whispered back.

You blinked slowly at the clicking sound of the front door being opened.

“Beanie?” Both girls softly whispered amongst each other as they stepped inside.

“In here.” You croaked. Your throat felt raw and rubbed dry like scratchy sandpaper. Was it not just days ago where you had moments of wanting to kiss Joel? Now look at where you lay.

“Oh, Beanie..” Dina trailed off as her and Ellie discovered your curled up frame on the couch.

You diverted making eye contact as the two teenagers approached. Kindness felt so foreign to your skin.

“Have you been laying here all this time?” Ellie asked as she lowered herself along the edge of the coffee table.

You meekly nodded in response.

Your sullen eyes slowly flitted up when you saw the look that Dina and Ellie gave one another. It was the look of concern, not pity.

“Can we help you up?” Dina softly asked as her hand reached out to gently touch your arm.

“No.” You whispered as you turned your face into the pillow.

“We gotta getcha out of the clothes and into a bath or somethin.’ Can’t just let you rot away like this, Beanie.” Ellie was so much like Joel that you would have believed that she really was his own blood.

“Please don’t touch me.” Was all you could muster out as Dina slowly retracted her hand.

Dina and Ellie opted to sit with you instead until Ellie grew curious when she noticed your record collection on the nearby bookshelf. “Y’mind if I take a look at these?”

“Knock your socks off, kid.” Well, at least your humor hadn’t shriveled up and died in some hole too.

Ellie didn’t need to be told twice as she pushed herself up from the coffee table and padded over to the bookshelf. She was extremely careful as she flipped through the records. “Woah, Stevie Nicks? What I wouldn’t have given to see her live.” Ellie murmured softly.

“She was incredible. Saw her for the first time in ‘87. I was just a teenager then. Stevie always had somethin’ special. Grew up listening to her along with Zeppelin, Queen, Depeche Mode, just to name a few.” You mumbled as you slowly sat up from the previous fetal position you had been in.

“Holy fuckin’ shit. You saw Stevie live?!” Ellie lit up like a goddamn firefly as she set the record down gently.

“Kid, I've seen them all live. The 80’s and 90’s were a time to be alive. My friends and I went to as many live concerts as we could. Traveled around the country at one point in an RV. Totally tried the whole groupie thing for The Rolling Stones. I may or may not have kissed Mick Jagger at one point. He was definitely way too old for me, but as a teenager I could have given two shits.”

“Oh my god, you kissed Mick Jagger? Beanie, you swear you ain’t makin’ this all up?” Ellie and Dina were both immediately drawn into your past as you recalled memories being a teenager back in the day.

“I swear on my parents grave, I am not making this up. Back then concerts weren’t all that expensive, and my parents were pretty big hippies so I had a laid back childhood and upbringing. They were always playing music in the house and took me to my first concert when I was 10, and from there the rest was history.”

“Do you have any pictures? I love Depeche Mode. I listen to them on my walkman frequently.” Ellie stated excitedly.

“I’ve got what’s left of the pictures I salvaged after outbreak day. They’re upstairs. I’ll go and get them for you girls.” Suddenly the world didn’t feel like it was weighing down on you like a bag of bricks. Your lungs breathed in a hefty gulp of fresh air, and it no longer felt like you were drowning in an endless sea. It had been years since you brought up your past, but to see both Dina and Ellie show genuine enthusiasm and curiosity? It sent a warmth simmering up your spine.

It didn’t take very long for you to find the box of pictures inside one of your dresser drawers. They were a fair bit dusty and faded, but they instantly brought back wonderful memories that you clutched so tightly to your heart. You shared the same giddy excitement as the two teenagers on your couch as you brought the pictures downstairs.

You sat comfortably between Ellie and Dina as you went through each picture in vivid detail. You were Texas born and raised, and you were damn proud of it. Your parents were the definition of peace, love and happiness. They raised you with goodness in your heart and harmony in your soul. You learned to share your space with simple living things. You always had a soft spot for animals with the dream of becoming a veterinarian from the day you could walk. Turns out, you couldn’t stomach blood very well so Vet school was out of the question. This didn’t deter you from saving every injured creature that would cross paths with you.

The yearning to own an establishment came later in life. At first you thought about opening an art store, apothecary, nursery, or even a bookstore. Coffee was one of your favorite pleasures, and that’s how cuppa smiles came to be. That was the beauty of life at its core. You could wake up one day and decide that you didn’t want to be the person you were presently. You could change your looks, your wardrobe, your aspirations and hope that you got it right this time around.

“Hey, Beanie? Would it be alright if I kept this picture of you?” Ellie asked. The picture was of an 18 year old you. It was graduation night and you were in the back of some guy's pickup truck with a bottle of cheap champagne in your grasp. Your smile was bright and full of life. Eyes wild, filled with mischievous as you grinned at the camera. You were the epitome of beauty. A woman who had made it, and had her whole life ahead of her.

“Sure, you can keep it. I haven’t looked at these photos in years, so it’s nice to see them getting some attention. Is there a specific reason why you wanna keep that one?” You asked with genuine curiosity.

Ellie turned, looking at you with a knowing smile as she held the photograph gently between her fingers. “You just look beautiful and happy.” She murmured with a shrug. Little did you know..Ellie had all the intentions to pin the photograph up on the fridge at Joel’s right where he could see it every morning, and every night.

“It was graduation night. I was absolutely drunk out of my goddamn mind in that photo. It’s a miracle I didn’t fall out of the damn bed of the truck. That dress I was wearing was a real killer too. It was my favorite.” You looked over at her with a small smile tugging on your lips.

For the rest of the afternoon you told the teenager’s more stories, played a few albums on your turntable. Suddenly, taking a shower didn’t seem so terrible anymore. Ellie and Dina gave you your privacy as you bathed, but they stuck around to keep you company through the approaching evening hours.

For a moment that voice inside of your head was muffled, gagged by kindness and unable to lash through it with its sharpened claws. One night of peace seemed a hell of a lot better than none.

Whenever Joel was feeling particularly stressed, he would turn to the domestic comfort and safety of his woodworking shop that was tucked away in his shed behind his home. He did have a little workspace upstairs in his room. His shed was like his own personal safe haven. He could escape there for hours while his hands crafted something beautiful. The same hands that could break a man’s neck in one swift movement could also be held steady while he carved intricate details. Antlers for a moose, swift hooves for a mustang, delicate ears of a doe. Hands that could bruise, and hands that could heal. Hands that clutched a knife and held a life between his weathered fingertips. Hands that grasped a gun like it was an extension of his body. Hands that would tremble, hands that were bruised, torn, broken. Hands that could hold your face so tenderly, so softly as the rough texture of his thumbs brush your tears away.

The rain was softly pattering along the roof shingles as he was working on his newest piece. It was two horses nuzzling in an affectionate way. It was Tex and Tess. He was working on the wispy strands of your mare’s mane when he heard footsteps slowly approaching the small space between the open door. His undamaged ear zoned in on the exact movement as he deciphered who it was. It wasn’t Ellie. It wasn’t you..so that narrowed down his choices immediately. Based off the distinct sound of hesitation, Joel knew it was Tommy and his demeanor already shifted as he tossed his chisel into the nearby toolbox before crossing his arms over his chest with a gruff sigh.

“I come in peace.” Tommy reassured his brother as he gently pushed open the shed door with his shoulder.

“Y’sure about that Tommy? You ain’t come here to rub salt into the wound?” Joel muttered under his breath, nostrils flaring slightly. He was still pretty fucking pissed off at his brother if it wasn’t obvious enough by his body language alone.

“No, i’m here cus’ I was able to get through to Maria on decreasin’ your punishment.”

“Wow.” He huffed, “It’s a fucking miracle.” He deadpanned with a tight shake of his head. “Y’tell her it’s a fuckin’ stupid idea to take me off patrol?”

“Well, I was able to convince her to decrease your punishment to one week off patrol instead of two. I tried to tell ‘er that it’s a risky decision to take you off patrol, but she wouldn’t listen.” Tommy responded as he sank down into the chair nearest to the door.

Joel scoffed as he jaw clenched tightly. “Listen, I respect your wife, Tommy. I’m all for women’ bein’ in leadership roles, and she’s done a damn good job keepin’ this town safe, but she’s got some poor fuckin’ judgment right now. I give it one day before someone gets their head blown off out there.”

“Joel, what the fuck else was I supposed to do, huh? You’re fuckin’ lucky she didn’t decide to throw your ass out.” Tommy bit back.

“She’d be a goddamn fool if she threw me out. She jus’ wanted to make an empty threat so you’d be an obedient husband. She never wants to admit when she’s fuckin’ wrong. Whatever, I'll eat my goddamn punishment with a smile on my face.”

Tommy rang his fingers through his hair with a sigh as he sank back into the chair. “Yeah, well I personally think Lucas and Seth are bein’ let off easy for their actions. They’re gettin’ a week on septic tank duty.”

Joel turned in his chair fully as it scraped across the ground. He let out a full on belly laugh as he shook his head. “Fuckin’ septic tank duty?!” He hissed. “Y’gotta be fuckin’ jokin.’”

“I ain’t.”

“Lucas has a broken fuckin’ wrist! How the hell is he gonna do shit? Not to mention he’ll jus’ find a way to get out of it. Seth is jus’ an old racist n’homophobic fart. He’d rather drop dead before he takes a punishment.” Joel could feel his blood begin to boil at the distaste towards Maria’s choice of punishment.

“Joel, I know you ain’t a fan of Lucas cus’ of how he grabbed Beanie, but you’re gonna drive yourself mad holdin’ a grudge like this. Seth is your stereotypical dickhead, and if I had the authority to kick him out myself? I would.”

“It ain’t have anythin’ to do with Beanie, Tommy.” Joel was quick to snap back. “I don’t trust the guy. Y’remember when we found those bodies in the woods? He barely blinked an eye! He’s got the whole goddamn town wrapped ‘round his finger just cus’ I broke his poor poor wrist. He’s like a snake, i’m tellin’ ya!” He spoke exasperatedly without a care in the world if he was making some wild accusations. Accusations were only false until evidence was presented to turn that false claim to be true.

Joel watched as his younger brother scrubbed his hand down his face with a roll of his shoulders. “Jesus Christ, Joel. Do y’hear yourself right now?! Fuck. Y’can’t be goin’ n’makin’ these wild accusations without any evidence to back it up! Look, I ain’t a huge fan of the guy either, but I ain’t gonna be wavin’ my finger around like you are.” He shook his head disappointedly.

“Course you ain’t. Why don’t ya jus’ go’n turn a blind eye like everyone else then. Go ahead and be a fuckin’ sheep, Tommy.”

Tommy breathed in deeply through his nose with his eyes squeezed shut. He knew that Joel was smart. Smarter than most of the community would believe him to be. Joel also wouldn’t go and make wild accusations without having valid emotions set behind it. If Tommy was going to prove himself to be loyal to his brother, then he was going to have to start making those tough choices now.

“Alright, lets jus’ calm down here for a second, alright?” Tommy tried to reason with him.

Joel was dead silent as he leaned his weight against the chair with a stern look crossing his weathered features as he waited for his brother to continue.

“If you’re suggestin’ that y’wanna start keepin’ tabs on Lucas’s whereabouts, you better have a damn good plan at not gettin’ caught. Cause if this whole thing goes up into fuckin’ flames? Y’know I ain’t gonna be able to defend you without a solid amount of evidence. I’ll take the bullet for ya, but you better give me a damn good reason to, Joel.”

“That’s exactly what i’m suggestin’, Tommy. Maybe I've got it all wrong. Maybe I'm losin’ my mind, but somethin’ about him ain’t sittin’ right with me. If I'm proven wrong, there won’t be a bullet for ya to take.” His tone was much softer now as he un-tensed his shoulders and jaw.

“Alright. Y’do what you gotta do, but don’t let anyone, and I mean anyone, figure out what you’re up to.” Tommy declared in a serious tone as he pushed himself up from the chair.

“Thank you.” Joel murmured.

“For what?” Tommy asked with a slight raise of his brow.

“For havin’ my back.”

“That’s what brothers are for ain’t it? Jus’ don’t make me regret it, Joel.”

“I won’t. I promise.”

Tommy responded with a slight nod before he was slipping past the shed door and into the steady rhythm of rain.

Joel sank back further into his chair as he faced his work bench once more. He gently blew off a bit of wood dust that had settled along Tess’s delicately carved forelock. He worked on the sculpture for hours into the late night until he inevitably fell asleep at his work bench with the soft pattering of rain to lull him into slumber.

Maria was eating her words after one day of not having Joel on patrol. Cody was grazed in the shoulder by a stray bullet that was shot at point range from the nearby treeline. Raiders, no doubt. This one was just a scout, but a skilled one. Not as skilled as Tommy, who ultimately took him out.

Maria dismounted from her horse as Tommy was checking the body for any clues. Any information that would lead them to the raider camp. His search was fruitless. Unrewarding as he crouched down along the bloodstained earth with a sigh. His eyes narrowed in on where his bullet was buried in the scout’s temple, right between his eyes that were now staring up at the dove gray sky, cold and lifeless for eternity.

“I told you it wasn’t a wise idea to take Joel off patrol.” He muttered under his breath as he stood up straight.

Maria ignored her husband as she stood over the body. “Are there others?”

“No. Jus’ the one. That ain’t to say that this one didn’t come from a camp. Most likely was a scout.”

“I thought they would have moved on by now. What the hell are they sticking around for?” She asked with a shake of her head. As far as she was concerned, the raiders should have moved on by now. What was their purpose for sticking around? There weren't nearly enough of them to devise a plan of attack on the town.

“No clue. What I will say is that we’re gonna have to patrol the area more frequently. Expand our routes in every direction. More importantly, Joel is back on patrol startin’ tomorrow.” He leaned in close to his wife as he spoke. This wasn’t him asking for her permission, this was him telling her.

Maria didn’t argue with him.

Joel was back on patrol the following morning. He remained neutral with his sister-in-law. He felt no reason to be smug, especially when he was trying to keep a low profile on himself. It did come as quite the surprise when Maria showed up on his doorstep to personally ask him herself. Now, he was back in the saddle on Tex with the strap of his rifle resting across his shoulder as he rode next to Tommy.

It was fairly quiet as Tommy mapped out the next patrol routes to take. Tex and Timber were as quiet as two mice as their sturdy hooves flattened the earth beneath them. There were no alarming signs of raiders. No danger that could be detected as Tommy placed a marker down at the midpoint. Joel had eased Tex to a halt as he leaned down and gave him a gentle pat on his jet-black neck. His eyes zoned in on a rustling in the tall wispy grass. He noticed fur and white spots as he carefully dismounted. Tommy was half paying attention to his brother as he was scribbling something down on the map.

Joel had slowly crouched down as his hands gently pushed apart the tall grass. There he found a tiny fawn, not more than a day old, curled up in a protective position with only the tips of its tawny colored ears visible. His face softened as he gazed at the innocent creature. He wondered if its mother was nearby. He knew that fawns were often left in a safe area while the doe would search for food. He was just about to stand up when the wind direction shifted and the stench of death attacked his senses.

“Holy fuck.” Tommy stated in disbelief as he was standing over the fawn’s dead mother. At first he thought this was the work of wolves or another predator, but this was man. The poor creature was butchered in a disrespectful and heinous way. Both brother’s had butchered many game animals for meat, but not in the way that would send a grown man buckling to his knees and retching the contents from his stomach. The doe’s body was mangled to say the least. The details were too gruesome for even Joel or Tommy to describe.

“Wolves?” Tommy asked in an unsure tone. He knew the answer.

“No. Wolves wouldn’t kill like that. This was man’s work.” Joel grimaced.

“A warning?” There was a sharp edge to Tommy’s tone as he leaned his weight back into the heels of his boots.

Joel kicked at a patch of torn up grass with the toe of his boot. “Can’t know for sure, but it’s a possibility.”

Both Miller brother’s attention diverted to movement in their peripheral vision as the fawn had hesitantly crept out from the tall grass. Its legs were still a bit wobbly with each step it took towards Tex and Timber. Both horse’s were gentle and curious as their heads lowered towards the tiny, defenseless creature. The fawn’s coal black nose nuzzled against Tex’s before it collapsed to the ground with a squeak.

“We can’t leave it out here to die, Tommy.” Joel sighed as he placed his hands on his hips.

“What the hell are we supposed to do? Take it back with us? Joel, it’s a goner without its mom. Jus’ let it meet its fate.”

“No. It’s innocent. Jus’ barely a day old. It doesn’t deserve to die out here alone or god forbid get torn to shreds by wolves. I won’t stand for it.” Joel muttered as he approached the fawn once more. The poor thing was trembling as it tried to escape between Tex’s front legs.

“Hey, easy there little one. I ain’t gonna hurt ya.” Joel softly spoke as he shrugged his flannel off his arms. “You’re alright. You’re safe. M’gonna take care of ya.” He cooed as he gently brought the flannel around the trembling creature and scooped it into his arms. The fawn struggled for a moment as it cried out for its dead mother. Joel continued to soothingly speak to it while his fingers gently stroked the top of its delicate furry head. Once the fawn recognized it was no longer in danger, it settled in Joel’s arms and soon fell asleep as it was ridden with exhaustion and malnourishment.

“Where are ya even gonna keep a fawn, Joel?” Tommy asked as he mounted back onto Timber with a huff.

“Dunno. Maybe I can make a pen or somethin’ next to Tex’s stall. I’ll figure that out when we get back.” He gruffly spoke as he used his free arm to mount back into the saddle. He was careful to not jostle the fawn too much as he held it securely with his freehand clutched around the reins.

He tilted his head downwards in a somber motion towards the fawn’s deceased mother.

I’m sorry, my dear. Man can be so cruel. So unforgiving towards Earth’s innocent creatures.

The tidings of a new morning kissed your skin like dew drops along a flower petal. You were so grateful for the company of Ellie and Dina. They had shown you unconditional kindness that came purely from their souls. Now you have two new friends. The three of you would become as thick as thieves. Until then, you were back in your shop with the door propped open to welcome in the fresh late spring breeze. Summer was on the horizon in a day's time. You decided to spruce up a little to get your mind off Joel and how you dismissed him on your couch after the incident. Your heart hurt as your mind replayed the image of his hurt stricken face as he slipped past your door. The night was so perfect, too perfect. You knew you’d see him again, but when? Under what context? You couldn’t blame him for not seeking you out. You never meant to hurt his feelings and of course he knew that, but your heart still stung. Why couldn’t you just be normal?

You were drawn away from your present thoughts when the bell dangling along the door chimed. Your heart skipped a fucking beat as you immediately assumed it was your Joel. You were already subconsciously checking your appearance in the mirror along the wall when you heard someone clear their throat. Your face fell mildly for a moment when you turned the corner. It wasn’t your Joel; it was Lucas, with a visible bandaged wrist.

“Hey, Beanie.” He waved with his good hand as a lopsided smile spread across his lips.

Your eyes zoned in on his bandaged wrist as he approached the countertop where you were presently standing. When did that happen? How did that happen? Who broke his wrist? Did..Joel have something to do with this?

“Lucas? Hey, how are you doing? I uh–wasn’t expecting you to drop by.” You calmly spoke as you nervously played with your fingers behind your back.

“Could be better. Nice place y’got here. I shoulda stopped by sooner. What’s your speciality?” He gestured to the chalkboard menu above the countertop.

“Lattes. Any flavored latte really. Would you..like one?”

“Sure. Surprise me with the flavor.” He shrugged as he looked around with an unreadable expression on his face. “I’m sure you’re wonderin’ why I stopped in today, huh? I just wanted to apologize for my behavior the other night. I had no intentions to send you any mixed signals, Beanie. If I was coming across in a suggestive way, I am very sorry.” He apologized in a calm and collected manner as he stood a few inches from the countertop.

“Oh, it’s alright. I suppose I should apologize as well for the way that I reacted? I’m just..not used to people reaching out and grabbing me like that. I am sorry for causing a scene. I know that you didn’t have any ulterior motives. Was the way I reacted a direct result in the cause of that bandage around your wrist?” You asked quietly as you grabbed a mug for the latte.

“My wrist?” He chuckled then as he leaned his elbow against the countertop casually. “You could say that. Your guard dog has himself a bit of a temper. S’a good thing it was a clean break. Scraped my face up pretty good too.” He responded in such a casual tone that you couldn’t help the slight chill that rolled down your spine like a dripping faucet.

“Im..sorry? My guard dog? Are we talking about Joel? He broke your wrist?”

“Darlin’ who else would act that way? Yes, it was Joel. Cornered me in the alley and shoved me against the wall.” He tsked under his breath with a sigh.

“Lucas, I'm so sorry. I swear, I had nothing to do with that. I didn’t tell him to go and break your wrist.”

“Beanie, s’alright. He’s a violent man. Probably woulda killed me with his bare hands if he got the chance. Anyway, I jus’ wanted to make sure I cleared the air with you first and foremost.”

Your stomach felt slightly queasy as your fingers trembled out of sight. You weren’t naive. You knew that Joel had killed numerous people in order to survive for this long. You held no judgment towards him. Everyone had to kill at some point in order to survive. Why would he act in such a manner if he no longer had to function in survival mode? Joel’s violent outburst towards Lucas wasn’t sitting right with you at all. You could feel your heart rate increase as you clutched your chest with a shaky breath.

“I’m–i’m sorry he did that to you, Lucas. I appreciate your apology, and I accept it.” You stuttered out as you nearly spilled a bit of coffee on your hand while you were handing him the mug.

“Like I said, it’s alright. Don’t go and worry your pretty little head over that violent Joel Miller. Thanks again for the latte.” He was looking right into your eyes now as he took the mug from your trembling hands. He stepped back from the counter followed by a tip of his imaginary hat in your direction. “See ya around, Beanie.” He left through the front door of your shop moments later and disappeared down the street.

You were left frozen on the spot as you used a rag to wipe away the stray dribbles of coffee from the counter. Your hands were still trembling as you busied yourself with more cleaning.

Joel would never. He wouldn’t.

Oh, but he would.

He did.

Why would Lucas lie about his wrist?

Joel is a violent man.

It's in his nature.

He’s dangerous.

Unpredictable.

A ticking time bomb.

And you’re a fool if you think otherwise.

Maybe that nagging voice inside of your head was right. Maybe Joel wasn’t all you believed him to be. This was about to be put to the test when his familiar scent wafted in through the open door. You heard his boots scuff along the wood flooring as the bell chimed above his head. He was holding something in his arms. You couldn’t tell what it was, but by the flushed expression on his face, whatever it was held a sense of urgency to him.

“Beanie.” He breathed out as he held the bundle in his arms close to his chest.

“Joel.” Your response was meek as you stepped around the corner of the countertop.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know where else to go. Couldn’t leave this poor baby out in the wilderness to die.” He murmured urgently as he approached.

“Joel, what are you talking about?” You asked with a hint of caution laced in your tone.

“This..fawn. Tommy and I were patrolin’ and I found it in the tall grass. Its mother was..killed by wolves presumably. I couldn’t just leave it out there. It’s barely a few days old.” He spoke softly as he gently pulled back the flannel to reveal the tiny fawn’s head. Its big brown eyes stared up at you with thick black lashes. The fawn showed timid curiosity as it sniffed the air for any immediate threats.

“Oh my goodness.” You whispered in disbelief as you peered down at the innocent creature.

How could a man be so violent, yet be tenderly holding a fawn in his arms as if it was fine delicate china that would shatter from the slightest touch.

It made your head spin.

“I ain’t got a single clue how to take care of it, and there's no tellin’ if it’ll make it through the night. Can..you help me, please?” He looked into your eyes, pleading silently.

“Joel, of course I'll help you. It's probably starving. Why don’t you..sit down and i’ll get some milk. Hopefully the poor thing will drink it.” you murmured in a hush tone as you disappeared behind the counter. There was a fridge in the back room that stored milk, cream and the occasional snack or two. You grabbed the small bottle of milk and a bowl before returning to the front area. Joel was sitting stiffly in one of the chairs as the fawn laid comfortably in his lap. You took the seat across from him with the bowl and milk bottle sitting on the table before you poured a bit into the bowl. “Here, put a bit on your finger and see if it’ll nurse.”

He slowly looked over at you before he nodded and used his free hand to dip one of his fingers into the bowl. The fawn was already lifting its head towards the familiar scent of milk and when Joel slowly lowered his finger towards the fawn’s nose, it immediately began to nurse. Joel stilled in his seat for a moment as images of a baby Sarah nursing from a bottle in his arms surfaced through his mind. She was so tiny. A silent tear rolled down the cavern of his cheek as the fawn sucked the few drops of milk from his finger.

“Joel?..”

“I’m sorry.” He whispered as he went to brush the stray tear away.

“Joel, what..happened after you left the bathroom?”

God, she knows. She knows and now she’s afraid of me.

You watched as he inhaled a sharp breath before his eyes slowly flitted over to yours. He held a steady contact before he finally spoke.

“I did what I felt was right. It’s not alright for anyone to go and grab someone like that. He had no right to touch you, Beanie.” He breathed out.

“And you had the right to break his wrist?” Your voice trembled slightly as you watched the way his face fell.

“Beanie, I–couldn’t jus’ let him get away with that. I only wanted to protect you.” He tried to reason with you.

“Joel, I never asked you to protect me. You can’t just go and break people’s wrists just because they touched me. Why couldn’t you just leave it alone?”

“You never had to ask. It comes naturally to me. Look, I've already been punished for my violent actions. I couldn’t leave it alone because you were a wreck. I came into the bathroom and you were thrashing like a goddamn fish in Tommy’s arms. You wouldn’t even let me get near you for over ten minutes. Don’t you remember? Honey, you were in fuckin’ shambles.” He nearly whispered as his voice cracked.

“I–I don’t remember, Joel. I don’t remember any of it.” You could feel the tears begin to brim along your waterline as your fingers trembled in your lap. “I..was that bad?”

“Beanie..you tucked yourself between two sinks with your back facin’ Tommy and I. My intentions were to just..rough him up a bit. He didn’t even know what the hell I was gettin’ on him for. He acted like he had done nothin’ wrong. Look, if you hate me now, and you ain’t want nothin’ to do with me, jus’ please save it. I’ve endured enough pain in my life. Jus’ rip the bandaid off if that’s what you gotta do.”

“What?” You looked over at him with tears freely rolling down your cheeks, mirroring his own. “Joel, I don’t hate you, I just didn’t understand why you did what you did. I wish that I remembered what had happened so that I could wrap my head around this whole thing. Lucas came in here about twenty minutes ago and told me what happened. He also apologized for how he acted, and then he left.”

Hell had suddenly frozen over in Joel’s world when you recounted Lucas having the nerve to show up to your shop and apologize for his behavior. Joel knew he had to remain calm despite the temperature of his blood skyrocketing. Lucas was here. He was in your shop, and Joel was not happy about it.

“Beanie, S’alright that you don’t remember what happened. I don’t wanna end up triggerin’ your memories or nothin.’” He sighed softly as he thought about the careful choice of words he’d have to use when discussing Lucas. “Lucas was here?..Well, I'm glad that he apologized. Is that all he said?”

“Joel, it’s not okay that I don’t remember. I can’t fucking recount anything after the moment he grabbed my arm. It’s all a blank screen in my mind.” Your tone alone gave away how frustrated you were as you vigorously wiped away your tears. “He–said that you’re a violent man, and that I shouldn’t worry my pretty little head about it.” You whispered the last bit out as your eyes drifted down to your trembling palms that were resting in your lap.

Joel bit down on the inside of his cheek hard enough that he could taste copper along his tongue. He swallowed hard as he tried to calm his nerves. How dare he. How dare he try and turn you against him. What was this little conniving snake trying to stir up now?

“He’s right. I am a violent man.” He muttered under his breath. “I’d be a fool to sit here and try to lie to you, Beanie. I’ve done some godawful things in the name of survival, but I'd never hurt you. I’d never grab you like that. I’d never cross those boundaries. Beanie, please jus’ be careful, okay? Please.”

“Joel, I know you’d never hurt me. I don’t care that you’re a violent man. Who am I to judge you? Everyone has had to kill to survive. I’m no saint either. Look, neither you or I can go back to that night. I wish I could. I wish I could reverse the clock because I was having such a good time with you, Joel.” You looked over at him with glassy eyes as you sniffled softly.

“You..don’t care? Do you truly mean that, Beanie? I was having such a wonderful time with you as well. I’m sorry that I allowed myself to act upon violence. I should have jus’ stayed in the bathroom with you and Tommy. Should have stayed with you.” His head dropped slightly in mild defeat.

“Joel, of course I mean that. I’m sorry too. I’m sorry for pushing you away when you tried to comfort me on my couch. You were just trying to help and I pushed you away..”

“Sweet girl, you don’t have to apologize for a goddamn thing. You needed space, so I gave it to ya. You know your body best. I wasn’t gonna try’n force you to let me stay. Last thing I wanted to do was make you uncomfortable.” He murmured sincerely.

You wanted to laugh through your tears when he called you sweet girl. You weren’t anywhere near the age of a girl anymore, but it was still a thoughtful gesture that you appreciated more than you realized.

“Can..we start over? Can we put this all behind us?” You asked hesitantly as your hand slowly reached across the table.

“Course we can. There ain’t anyone here that can tell us that we can’t. Clock’s still goin’ but that doesn’t mean we gotta stick with the times. We can go at it at our own pace. Whatever we’re comfortable with.” He reassured you as his hand that wasn’t occupied with the fawn reached towards you across the table.

Your fingertips brushed before they interlocked in a gentle squeeze as you both fell into a moment of silence.

“What do we name this little one?” He asked softly as he dipped his free finger back into the bowl of milk.

“Bambi?” That seemed like the obvious choice given the circumstances.

“Nah.” he murmured with a boyish grin. “How about Beanie number 2?”

“How original.” You mused with a soft smile on your lips.

“Or what about Honey? Pretty sure it's a girl.” He shrugged.

“Honey. I like it.” You murmured as you squeezed his hand gently.

“Y’hear that, Honey? We’re gonna take care of ya. Remember that horse you were nuzzlin’ on? That’s Tex. He’s gonna be your protector too. We’re gonna make sure you have a good life, alright little one?” He spoke so softly to the innocent creature that gazed up at him like he had crafted the sun for that fawn with his bare hands in his toolshed.

How could a man be so violent, yet so tender.

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[missmarveledsblog]

The girl next door (tommy miller x reader) part one

Summary : tommy miller decides life on road ain't all it crack up to be like he used to it maybe because finds himself absolutely taken with joels next door neighbour

Warnings : tommy miller ( cheesy flirting skills) , fluffy , alludes to smut , mutual pinning , joel done with their shit 😌 ( no maria in this fic also no outbreak either) grammatical errors because I barely sleep and drink to much caffeine but like doesn't everyone )👀

Life on the road used to be the best , the freedom to go where ever not be held down too long , getting to see new faces and places was the life or so it was for a long while even joining the army to hold onto the high of it all and now it wasn't so cool and amazing it was lonely as fuck . tommy miller was suddenly ready to leave the road well to the road it was time for him to settle down in a way shit he wasn't thinking of doing what his brother did no .. well maybe in the future but the settled part being in one place and not expecting to keep moving all time was what he needed . so his bag on his bag he hit the road one last time heading to what he hope was new start of his life.

pulling up to his brother driveway was something he never wanted to do he hated joel wife , despised the woman who never was happy with how his brother broke his back to provide for them all it was actually how he and joel stopped talking for years but he had to hand it to his big brother the new house well it was a beauty like ones they used to pass on the way to school as kids . joel would always say he'd build a nice house for them like that now he held that promise for his girls . biting his tongue ready to suck up to the demon lady as he pulled the bag on his shoulder , looking around it was a nice neighborhood too way better than run down one they grew up in . barely raising his hand to the door it flew open joel standing with big smile on his usual grumpy face pulling his brother in for a big hug and into the house.

" it's good see you, beer? " he asked easily.

" look at this place , shit i'll take a beer .. where are my nieces" tommy looked around taking in the photo's none of the she devil mainly of the girls and joel some of joel and another woman that tommy could only hope for a better outcome . " your lovely mrs ?" he gritted trying to not sound bitter and failing miserably .

" girls are at friends for weekend so be back sunday ... mrs is someone else travelling the world or some shit last five years" joel rolled his eyes as two walked into the kitchen joel gesturing for him to sit as he grabbed two cold ones from the fridge.

" what about the girls?" tommy asked.

" apparently she never wanted to be a mom , hurt but they got over it , we moved in here i'd say six months after we've been happiest we've ever been" joel shrugged .

before they could continue the conversation the front door opened and sound of footsteps coming down the hall.

" hey miller i got a special delivery " the voice called instantly tommy could tell it was a woman soft and sweet a vast difference of the shrill and pitchy mess joel ex had. " oh shit i didn't know you had company" she stood wide eyes holding box in her hands as she almost tried to sus the stranger out .

" darling this is my little brother tommy , tommy this is y/n" .

" well done big brother and younger too " tommy smirked standing to shake her hand only for joel face palm and y/n break out laughing.

" i'm his friend and neighbour is all , told you miller people think we're a couple or your my sugar daddy " she snorted putting the box on the counter only joel to playfully push her out of the way before handing her a beer. " he wishes though " she added .

" i really don't kiddo but keep thinking that" he rolled his eyes .

" i don't do the whole old man thing sorry " she shot back in disbelief tommy watched his brother being well a human playing along with the teasing his young and well hot ass neighbour . she was something , perfect blend of sugar and spice and sassy in every way . " so are you the one that was in the army? " she asked looking directly shit why was her looking at him making him suddenly lost for words .

" sure am sugar well i was now i'm looking for a job hopefully my big brother can help with that one" .

" yeah start monday , already sorted it with the boss" joel rolled his eyes .

" well cheer to baby miller getting the job " y/n held her beer up .

" i'm easily what ten years older sugar who you calling a baby" .

" your new favourite neighbour easily ... shit i gotta go was good meeting you baby miller and good to see you haven't died of old age joel " she rushed out beer still in her hand .

" off limits" was all joel said before the two continued to catch up yet tommy couldn't help think of joel pretty neighbour hell it ain't no harm in looking right ?.

.....

It was all he could do was look , six month since meeting y/n it's all he could do was look , talk to her as if she was a friend . that day she was rushing out was well cause she was rushing to her date with this asshole josh . now standing out his brothers back garden it was almost like torture watching how her pretty smiles were directed up at someone who clearly didn't deserve them . he didn't get a woman like y/n but tommy did . tommy got when she got excited over little things it was cute and sweet and yet josh thought it was childish and she needed to grow up . tommy new she loved the sweeter things in life how she like baked good like cookies and brownies but yet josh always got her savory shit she pretended to like . even now he watched josh pick up something heading towards her til tommy rushed and stopped him .

" woah buddy if you wanna kiss your girlfriend i wouldn't eat that" he smiled trying to be civil , trying not to be a dick .

" look i know my girl man" was all he said before eating the threat heading over to her kissing her wasn't long til she felt itchy and her face felt hot when tommy walked back over instantly taking her into the house as the idiot followed after knowing she was getting worse but she definitely wouldn't want a big show of it all .

" sugar sit here" was all he said taking the epipen and putting in her arm and taking the lotion putting it on her now burning skin . she didn't know if it was the reaction or the fact it was tommy miller being so close. " i told you .. i tried to tell you idiot you could of killed her" .

" i didn't know honestly babe" josh gasped looking to her.

" six months you think you'd learn she allergic to kiwi before kissing her after eating stupid kiwi salad" tommy muttered .

" it's honest mistake i know more about her than you do " josh spat .

" hey what's going on ?" joel walked in already sensing the oncoming fight the moment the two set foot on his property. he didn't like josh but he hoped it would mean tommy moved on , he knows or so he thought he knew what his brother was like . he had never in all his life seen his brother so hung up on a woman nor had he seen the woman returned the sentiment but she was just doing what joel asked . now both were miserable and well he had a moran in his kitchen .

" you think you know her ... what's her favourite colour?" tommy asked ignoring the other two .

" easily purple or pink like the flowers i get her" josh smiled as she winced

" actually she love yellow like sunflowers her favourite flower... where does she love to go" tommy asked probably handing him the answer .

" beach?" josh sounded less confident.

" oh you idiot" joel sighed.

" you could of said anyplace that carried books giving its her favourite hobby man do you know anything " .

" hey josh i think it time for you to go and maybe we shouldn't see each other" she said softly. " i mean lets be real you don't know me or like me for me" she added sadly .

" oh fuck this not worth it " was all he said before leaving as her eyes fell to her lap.

" hey i'm tired i'm just gonna sit this one out" was all she got out standing uneasy .

" i'll bring you over" joel wrapped his arm out.

" see you tomorrow baby miller" she said quietly no playful lilt to her voice one he was so used to as he watched the two leave.

" shit that was like a car crash" he turned to see ellie and sarah standing by the back door . " i mean yay josh is gone he was boring fuck but shit you had a chance there"

" can you go a sentence without swearing ... but she is right i mean you look at her like a love sick puppy it's honestly..." sarah smiled .

" sad" ellie cut in .

" i was going to say adorable ".

" nah it's sad but your dad said she's off limits he's probably scared i'll fuck it up , i seem to fuck everything i touch up" tommy laughed dryly.

" nah your not fuck up , your the best uncle we've ever had" ellie pointed out .

" i'm your only uncle" he deadpanned.

" your not a fuck up , since when did you listen to our dad ?" sarah asked slightly confused.

" since i was afraid of fucking it up i mean yeah at start i thought it was something to get out of my system but more i got to know her well i was a goner " he smiled sadly.

" he was a goner since the first time he met her" joel walked into the kitchen . " she home safe sleeping , i know what i said but i take it back ok " .

" so he can get the girl " ellie asked almost vibrating with happiness matching her older sister.

" how am i gonna get the girl ?" tommy looked at his family

" with our help of course" joel smiled .

" what changed your tune ?"

" because their sickening to look at and i don't want another josh around , fucking boring asshole" joel smirked.

" this is gonna be good " ellie cheered .

part two

[cedarxwing]

Scent Freak Hannibal (Holes in the Floor of the Mind)

Hannibal is 10x more freakish about smells in the books, and it manifests in some subtle ways in the show.

Hannibal's characterization as a lovable serial killer is a brilliant literary feat. Part of what makes him so likable is how receptive he is to sensation. He's almost childlike in how he experiences the world. His narration is so vivid with description that it makes him seem more alive, more human, than the other characters, whose inner voices are dull and flat by comparison. He is powerfully influenced by sights, sounds, textures, and especially smells, all leading to memory. It's very Proustian and psychological.

Warning: long post below.

Red Dragon

Aside from the iconic aftershave dig, Hannibal uses scent to decide to get Will's home address. This is the very first peek into Hannibal's POV we get in the series:

First mention of Hannibal's nemesis: the toilet (more on that later). They cleaned his toilet with Clorox -> bleach -> semen -> irritating man scent -> Will Graham

Will smells like teaweed, which grows in the southeast US -> Hannibal is thinking about where Will might live (Florida). (Like how Hannibal smells pine on Will in the show.)

Hannibal can smell Will's thoughts which are warm and brassy

Will's warm, brass thoughts are incorporated in the show! Will's silver pendulum, as it was described in the book, was changed to yellow. In season 1, whenever we enter his crime scene reconstruction POV, the lighting completely changes and there's a warm filter:

(I also like to interpret the shift in warmth as Will feeling more alive when he's closer to a killer's thoughts, but that's just me)

The Stool Pit

One thing the show didn't explore was Hannibal's worst sensory nightmare: feces. For him, stool is closely linked to both prison ("watching the diaper cart go by") and the horrific death of his sister. In Hannibal, the scent of a soiled diaper on a airplane gives him a traumatic flashback dream about Mischa:

The "holes in the floor" of Hannibal's memory palace are oubliettes, dungeons where he stores all his bad memories to forget about them:

Even though Hannibal probably didn't see Mischa's teeth in the stool pit in the show (since his backstory was changed), it's alluded to with Alana's threat to take his toilet (his entire toilet, not just the seat like in the book).

This line is mostly a quote from The Silence of the Lambs, except for "the company of the dead" addition. It leads straight into one of Hannibal's flashbacks about Abigail. Based on how the lights black out, I can only assume Hannibal's memories about Abigail are negative. Is he falling down the rank oubliettes of his mind when he thinks of her? Does he regret killing her at all? We can only guess.

Knowing this, the proximity of the toilet to his prison bed is crazy. They had a huge room to put his bed anywhere, and they chose to put it right next to the toilet? Lol.

Cleanliness

Clean smells are Hannibal's favorite thing, hands down. They are in direct opposition to the stool pit, and a metaphor for innocence, purity, washing away sins, etc. The first thing we see him do after killing Abigail is take a shower, washing blood from his skin, washing away the past...

He loves the soap and lotion store in Florence (the Farmacia di Santa Maria Novella), "one of the best-smelling places on Earth," because it takes him away from bad memories.

The copper bathtub from season 3 is based on Hannibal's memories of washing Mischa:

Clean smells are Hannibal's conscious avenue to his obsession with Clarice Starling:

Clarice has her own Proustian association with clean smells, since her mother was a cleaning lady at a motel. Matching childhood olfactory associations--cute!

It's subtle in the show, but Will is associated with cleanliness as well:

Absolute Freak Behavior

Now I just want to show how extreme the scent thing is, for anyone who hasn't read the books... like...

Trying to smell Clarice from a hundred yards away:

After sniffing the handle of Clarice's car door and not getting anything, he breaks in and has a religious experience in the driver's seat:

In conclusion, Hannibal from the novels is a straight-up cross between Ratatouille and an A/B/O universe transplant. You can't tell me that this man doesn't have the biggest scent kink in the world. His partner walks out of the shower smelling like his favorite soap and it's game over.

[something-tofightfor]

Some Things Are Meant To Be

Pairing: Joel Miller x female reader (Just Too Good To Be Gone pairing)

Word count: 7,813

Rating: M - language, mentions of sex, TLOU universe situations ... overall pretty tame for me.

Warnings: This alludes to things that happen / are covered in TLOU and TLOU 2, but doesn’t spoil anything at all.

Summary: Even in Jackson, plans sometimes change ... which results in you and Joel getting to have an almost perfect day together. 

Author’s Note: Hi, friends! This was supposed to be up for Valentine’s Day, but I’m a little delayed... sorry about that. 

This is just to fill in a gap in their story - and to address something very important for this couple. It takes place between “Can’t Swallow What I’m Thinkin’” and “Lessons You Learn From a Past You Can’t Change”

To get alerted when I post new chapters/stories, follow @somethingtofightfor-shares​ and turn on post notifications - you can also ask to be added to my tag list (link in bio or at the top of my taglist reblog)

Just Too Good To Be Gone Masterlist

Song Suggestion: “Can’t Help Falling In Love” by Elvis Presley

There was someone knocking at his door - and even though Joel rushed to answer it, it still took him longer than usual to get there. 

“I’m comin’!” His voice rose as he made his way down the steps, still toweling his hair dry. “Hang on a -” When he pulled the door open and saw Tommy on his porch, Joel frowned. “Why the hell didn’t you just come in?”

“I know better.” Arching a brow, Tommy stared past Joel and into the hallway behind him. “Didn’t want to see anything I’m not supposed to, if you know what I mean.” Of course. 

“She ain’t even here.” Stepping to the side, Joel waved a hand, inviting his brother in. “Stayed at her place last night because I had to be up real early today.” Joel tossed the towel onto the counter, sighing. “Gotta get that barn done before we leave on that supply run in August, means we’ve gotta get it framed before she an’ I head out to Wilson.” 

“We’re pushing the barn back a couple days.” Tommy moved around Joel’s kitchen, opening a cupboard and pulling out two mugs. “Schmidt wants to give the ground more time to dry out. He’s out there rakin’ right now.” 

“So what does that mean?” Joel leaned against the kitchen island, arms crossed. “We planned this out so we’d have plenty of time.” Tommy nodded, pouring water into the upper portion of the coffee maker and then pressing the button to begin brewing it. 

“We did. All it means is that it’ll take the same amount of time, but we’re startin’ Friday instead of today.” They were both quiet then, and Joel chewed on his bottom lip, waiting. He didn’t need to come here and tell me. He could have radioed. “Maria left early today, too.” Tommy sniffed, turning back to face Joel. “But she’s why I’m here.”

“Everything alright?” Frowning, Joel tensed, anticipating the worst. “Tommy?”

“Yeah.” Tommy reached up, smoothing his mustache down. “She’s fine. But.” He glanced back, checking the level of water in the coffee pot, and then met Joel’s eyes again. “But she needs a couple more sets of hands today.” 

“Where?�� His answer was immediate, but Tommy’s wasn’t, the other man reaching for the pre-packed drawstring bags of tea and dropping one into each mug. “Tommy, I swear to God, you’re pissin’ me off, and it’s not even -”

“Do you remember when we were kids, and we used to go to Pop and Mimi’s in the summer?” Well, yeah, but… “And we’d stay there for a couple weeks?”

“‘Course.” Joel pushed off of the island and reached past Tommy, grabbing for the handle of the pot and pouring the steaming liquid into the mugs. “They’d never make us go to bed, so we’d always say up real late.” Tommy laughed, lifting the teabag by the drawstrings and dunking it a few times. “All that time spent layin’ on the ground in a sleeping bag should have been good practice for …” He trailed off, Tommy scoffing in reply. 

“Yeah, you’d fuckin’ think so.” Dropping the bag into the sink, he raised the mug and took a drink, his lip curling. “I miss coffee like you wouldn’t believe.” 

“You and me both.” Joel sipped at his tea. “Can you get to the goddamn point, though, Tommy?” The younger man laughed, taking another drink. 

“What else did we do when we were there, Joel?” Ate a bunch of junk food? Ran around the neighborhood until we were so tired we couldn’t stand up? “I’ll give you a hint.” He paused, narrowing his eyes. “You got up close and personal with some yellowjackets the one year.”

“Berry pickin’?” Joel froze with the mug halfway to his lips. “Maria needs help with berry pickin’?” 

“She does.” Tommy grinned, licking his lips after another drink. “Blueberries, raspberries and strawberries are ripe, and you know how big that field is.” I do, I’m the one that fixed the fence last year. “So instead of framin’ out that barn today, you an’ me are gonna go and help out over there.”

“But that’s where -” That’s where she is. Out there with Maria. Tommy drained his mug and placed it into the sink, stepping forward and settling a hand on Joel’s shoulder, his fingers squeezing. 

“Sure is, big brother.” 

— 

You were bent over a row of raspberry bushes, your fingers quickly picking the ripe fruits and dropping them into a basket when you heard his voice. “Hey, you.” What is he doing here? 

Turing your head toward the sound, you widened your eyes at the sight of Joel and then stood up straight, pulling a berry free as you moved. 

“Joel? What are you… I thought you were working on the barn today.” You watched as his smile grew from a small one into the grin that you rarely saw on his lips - the one that made him look years younger. Stepping closer to him, you held out your hand, the berry resting on your palm. “Want it?” 

Without saying anything, Joel stepped closer and reached out, waiting until you’d dropped the fruit from your hand to his. Without looking away, he popped it into his mouth, the man chewing and swallowing. “Damn, those are good this year.” They are. “And yeah, we were supposed to work on the barn today, but the ground’s wet or somethin’, so we’re givin’ it another couple days.” 

“Good.” Closing the distance between you even further, you used one hand to gesture vaguely. “There’s a lot to pick here.” He looked around, the man putting both hands on his hips. It gave you the chance to stare at him, your eyes taking in the fit of his t-shirt and jeans, the way his hair curled against he back of his neck - longer than he usually wore it, but still shorter than the longest you’d ever seen it. 

He didn’t spend much time in the agricultural areas of Jackson. The only times you saw him in the greenhouses were when he was coming to see you or to fix something, and it was rare that Joel had any hand in the field harvests, either. But you would have been lying if you’d said that you were unhappy to see him among the greenery. 

“I haven’t picked berries since I was a kid.” Joel finally spoke, his eyes drifting back to you. “You’re gonna have to help me out.” Fighting back a smile, you reached out again, waiting for him to take your hand. Gladly. 

“It’s really easy, Joel.” Leading him to the bushes you’d been working on, you reached for one of the raspberries. “Try and pull it off the plant. If it comes off easy, it’s ripe. If you need more than a little force… it’s not ready.” A berry came free and you popped it into your mouth. “Same for blueberries. But we’re not going to get to those today, because Maria claims them.” You laughed, watching Joel reach for the plant, too. “Just put ‘em in the bucket, and then when it’s full, take it over to where the wagons are.” 

“We brought a couple more.” Joel licked his lips, his hands already busy with the bush. “Wagons, I mean.” 

“Good.” Eyeing him, you waited a few seconds to go back to what you were doing. “We’ll need as many as we can get. There’s gonna be a ton of fruit today. The weather’s been really good this year, and the fence kept the animals out.” 

“You’re welcome.” Glancing over at you, Joel smirked. “For the fence, I mean.” You rolled your eyes, leaning over and picking an unripe berry off of the ground before you tossed it at him. “Oh, you’re wastin’ fruit now?”

“No. It was already wasted.” Head shaking back and forth, you looked down. “I’m glad you’re here, Joel. Thought I wasn’t gonna get to see you much for the next couple days.” He sighed, but you caught the nod he gave in return out of the corner of one eye. 

“Yeah, I thought the same thing. Glad we were wrong.” You worked in silence for a few minutes, checking on the contents of the bucket every now and then as the two of you filled it. 

But it was a good silence, the man’s presence next to you coupled with the heat of the late-morning air and the bright sunlight making you happier than you’d been in a long time. And when you glanced over at Joel, you saw that he looked relaxed, too, his lips curved upward into a small smile as he kept his hands busy. I like seeing him like this. 

Between the two of you, you filled three 5 gallon buckets in just over an hour, making small talk as you worked your way down the row. 

He told you about the time that he and Tommy had spent with their grandparents during their school breaks, about the incident when he was eleven, his entire right hand swelling up from multiple stings, and that it had resulted in his grandmother stopping on the way home to buy both brothers ice cream. 

Joel also told you about the tiny garden that he’d kept in the back yard for Sarah to play in, and the hanging basket of strawberries that hung from a shepherd’s hook every summer, the girl excited to check for fresh fruit on a daily basis. 

You’d noticed that when Joel was relaxed and not prodded, he tended to open up more. and because you wanted to know everything about him that you could, you didn’t interrupt, giving him free rein to speak at his own pace. 

And it was Joel that cut himself off mid-sentence halfway through the fourth bucket, the man standing up straight and saying your name, one hand held out. “What?” Looking up from where you knelt on the ground, you tilted your head to the side. “What is -”

“C’mon. Take a break with me. Let’s get some water.” He kept his arm extended, but instead of reaching for it, you gave yourself permission to look at him - taking in the sight of the man’s sweat-damp forehead, the dark spot near the collar of his shirt and the way the sun was shining through his hair and highlighting the silver strands in his messy curls, some of them sticking to the back of his neck. Look at him. 

Finally taking his hand, you let him pull you up, his fingers tightening around yours. “Gonna grab that bucket, we might as well empty it.” You picked it up but Joel took it from you and the two of you headed for the wagons, the man dropping your hand but not straying far. 

Once you’d emptied the bucket into the larger crate, he set it down and waited for you to fill up two cups from the cooler that was sitting under the shade of a tree, the man taking one from you. “We can go sit over there.” Using your free hand, you gestured to a shady space about twenty feet to the right, facing away from the town. 

You passed Maria and Tommy on the way, the two of them huddled over a row of blueberry bushes, pulling fruit away from the plants. Your friend glanced up but didn’t say anything, the woman winking before she returned her attention to her husband. “This shit’s almost harder than construction.” Joel groaned as he lowered himself to the ground, leaning his back against one of the fenceposts. “My knees are gonna feel awful tomorrow.” 

“Yep.” Taking a seat next to him, you drank deeply from your cup, the cool water delicious as you swallowed it. “But it’s going to be worth it when there’s fresh pie and jam.” Turning your head toward him, you smiled. “That’s the best part about picking the fruit; we get to take some home without worrying about waiting for distribution.” 

“Really?” His eyes widened. “Ellie’s gonna love that.” I know. You leaned in, eyes still locked with Joel’s. 

“Yes, really. That’s why they rotate people in here, so that it’s spread out a little more between anyone that wants some extra. It’s not … there’s a lot of fruit, but it’s still kind of shitty to take more than you need. Honor system, you know?”

“That wouldn’t have worked in Boston.” He snorted, finishing his water and setting the cup down. “A handful of blueberries would have probably cost an entire ration card, maybe more. There was a literal black market for seeds, and some … some produce was worth more than goddamn pills.” 

“That’s a surprise.” You finished your water, too, and then leaned back next to him, stretching your legs out in front of you. “Since you were a  smuggler, did … did you ever smuggle food, Joel? Or was it all stuff?” He’d talked about his jobs plenty of times, but aside from telling you about some of the most memorable ones, he hadn’t gone into much detail. 

“Anything and everything.” Joel reached up and ran his hand through his hair, shrugging. “Me an’ Tess would take on any job we were offered as long as the pay was right. Only thing we never did was smuggle people.” Joel paused and then laughed, the sound carrying on the breeze. “And then Marlene asked us to get Ellie out of the QZ, and …” He trailed off. 

“And we all know how that turned out.” Extending your hand, you settled it on his knee. “Do you ever miss it? Not the danger or the actual job, but I mean…” I mean Boston. I mean the life you had there. 

“I miss the unpredictability, sometimes.” Turning his head, Joel stared at you, his eyes warm from the bright sun overhead. “Never knew who we were gonna meet or where the job would take us. Made some really good connections that way, but…” Joel shook his head. “No. I don’t miss anything else. I didn’t do it because I wanted to, I did it because I had to and because I… we were good at it.” 

“Oh.” You stared at each other for a few seconds, the uncertainty of how to respond giving you pause. That makes sense, but … but what do I say back? He spoke up then, negating the need for you to come up with anything in response. 

“We should get back to it. How many more buckets do we need to fill?”

“It’s not by buckets.” Pushing to your feet, you brushed the backs of your legs off as Joel stood, too. “We have to finish the first two rows and then check on the others. They plants are different kinds, so usually theres a week or two in between when they’re first ready.” Swiping at your brow with the back of your hand, you eyed the man. “We’re almost done. That’s another good thing about a day out here … it’s never a full day.” 

He didn’t laugh at that but you got a smile out of him, and only a few minutes later, you and Joel were back between the rows of bushes, both of you busily plucking the ripe fruits from their stems. 

You continued to speak, trading stories back and forth, but even that trailed off into another comfortable silence - and then, just before you opened your mouth to ask him a question, you heard it. 

Joel was humming as he picked - and when you glanced over in surprise, you saw that he was still smiling. 

—

When he got home a little after 2 PM, the house was empty. Joel set the small containers of fresh berries that you’d insisted he take for himself on the counter and then headed upstairs, stripping his sweaty shirt off and throwing it onto the pile before he pulled on a new one. 

Part of him wanted to take a shower, but the other part of him knew it would be better to wait, since you’d be over later that night for dinner and that meant he’d probably need to shower before bed. So Joel opted to put it off, instead heading into his workshop and deciding to make the most of the remaining hours of daylight. 

He had a few commissioned projects to complete - a guitar for one of the guys he’d gone on patrol with a few times, a couple of small animal carvings as gifts for a pair of 8 year old twins, and two cutting boards - along with a shelving unit that he was working on for you. But when Joel sat, he didn’t know where to begin. 

The change in his morning assignment had been a shock to him, but in a good way. He hadn’t been lying when he’d told you that he missed the unpredictability of smuggling in Boston, and though everything about Jackson was much less stressful, Joel was sometimes bored. Nah, that ain’t even the right word. 

 He leaned back on the rolling stool, rubbing a hand over his eyes. Safety and security weren’t boring, but the routine sometimes was. Even when he’d been assigned work duty in Boston, the location had changed often, and so had his duties and expectations. In Jackson, things were much more set based on skill and interest instead of necessity. 

Before Jackson, Joel hadn’t ever imagined that a place like it could exist. And he sure as hell hadn’t thought that there’d ever be another easy day, time spent in the sun and doing something that was work, but wasn’t hard work. 

And there was an immediate reward, too - more than the extra portions of fresh fruit on the counter, or another few days where he wouldn’t end the night with blistered hands. 

He liked the carpentry projects that he worked on, and he didn’t mind the patrols or wall duty, but even after two years in the settlement, getting thrown a curveball - like what had happened that morning - was a welcome respite. Even somethin’ small, he thought as he ran a palm over one denim-clad thigh. Like gettin’ to spend a day with her outside. 

He’d seen you watching him earlier, glancing over when you thought he wasn’t looking, your eyes taking in every inch of his frame, and he hadn’t minded at all. But he’d only seen it because he was also watching you every chance he got. 

He paid attention to everything, but especially to you - to the way your deft fingers plucked the fruit from the stems and dropped them into the bucket that sat between you. He focused on the way that you’d occasionally stop to pop a berry into your mouth, a quiet sigh escaping your lips as you bit down on it, the same hand reaching up to wipe tiny beads of sweat from your brow with the back of it before you returned to your task. And Joel zeroed in on the way the sun hit your face, forcing you to squint a little and tilt your head, exposing the column of your neck to his greedy eyes. 

It was more than that, though - Joel’s feelings for you growing faster than he thought possible in such a relatively short period of time, and every new detail was a revelation to him, no matter how small. 

“Get your shit together, Miller.” He groaned and wheeled himself back toward the table, both hands reaching out for his tools. 

He started with one of the carvings - a rabbit - and for a few minutes, he worked in silence, every scrape of the chisel producing a small, curled wood shaving that dropped onto the tabletop. 

But he couldn’t focus, and so with a roll of his eyes, Joel sat the piece and his tools down and then stood, scrubbing his hands over his face before heading into his bedroom. 

You were a distraction, but for the first time in a long time, Joel didn’t think that was entirely a problem. 

He’d been successful at pushing feelings and emotions to the side for a most of his life - beginning before Outbreak Day, and then after had been a different story. But I let Tess in. And I let Ellie in. Lowering himself onto the edge of his bed, he turned his head, gaze landing on the side of it that you always slept on. And then I let her in. 

Even from the beginning, he’d admired your patience. In some people, that patience was a weakness, but in you, it was something more - something almost tactical, and he’d recognized it the very first time he’d met you. 

That patience made it possible for you to keep a cool head even in difficult circumstances. The longer he’d spent around you, the more Joel understood how much of an asset that truly was, especially when he’d been used to using his fists and brute strength to make people see things from his point of view. 

You’d reminded him of Tess - and he’d told you that without shame, the admission that that woman would have liked you an honest one, though it hadn’t come at the best time. But you took it in stride, much like you did so many other things, and as more and more time went on and the two of you got closer, Joel had - unwittingly - started to open up more than he’d ever wanted to before.

The circumstances allowed it, and though he’d been hesitant to fully give in, Joel couldn’t help himself. 

There was never an option for a casual physical relationship with you - the idea had repulsed him. Remaining friends and friends only would have been possible up until the moment he’d heard your real laugh the night he’d come to check on you after finding out about your sister. That single sound had done him in, and from there, everything snowballed. 

He’d known that you coming over to watch a movie would probably end with the two of you in bed. He’d known that despite the fact that the guilt he still carried - and would carry until he could tell you the truth - would eat at him, he wasn’t keeping anything from you, he was keeping a secret for Ellie, and there was an important distinction. He’d also known that like with the little girl, the moment he admitted to himself that he felt something for you, it would be impossible to pretend that he didn’t. 

“Well, shit.” Joel laid back, keeping his feet on the floor and covering his face with both hands. Friendship was natural, especially when the two of you weren’t depending on each other for survival. Feelings, he was alright with too, because they were proof that he was still alive - and the ability to get close to him was a feat all on its own, which meant that you were doing something right. 

But the thing that had taken root in his heart the previous winter? The realization that it was more than concern for and admiration of you, that there was more to it than simple attraction? He’d forced himself to bite it back each time it threatened to reveal itself, despite the fact that each time he did it, it got harder and harder to ignore. 

Things weren’t normal, and they never would be, no matter how safe it was inside the walls of Jackson. 

There were parts of his past that Joel couldn’t overlook or ignore, things that he fully believed would come back and haunt him given enough time - and he hated the thought of you getting caught up in them. Especially if she doesn’t know. Rubbing at his eyes, Joel took a deep breath and then stared at the ceiling, lacing his fingers together atop his abdomen. 

He’d already broken his rules with you, time and time again, and even though you never made a big deal out of it, he knew you understood. And so do Tommy and Ellie, because … they know me. All of ‘em. Words were meaningless - promises were made and broken every single day, and so he’d made it a point to show you what he felt in and out of the bedroom, and Joel hoped that the message was loud and clear. Even if I can’t say it.

The sound of the front door slamming followed by Ellie’s voice calling his name urged him into action. With one final groan, Joel sat up and then stood, using one hand to rifle through his hair before heading back downstairs, the girl a perfect distraction. 

“Joel? You here? What are -” There was a pause and then Ellie swore, her excitement evident in the next words she spoke. “Holy shit, fresh fruit? Where did -”

“I’m here.” He stopped in the doorway, leaning against the frame. “Didn’t go and work on that barn today. Went an’ picked fruit instead. Figured you’d like to have somea those berries.” 

“Can I?” She was leaning over the counter, her palms flat on the surface. “I didn’t even know they were ready and we walk by the garden like… every day. Dina said -”

“You can, but don’t eat ‘em all. I’m supposed to save some for breakfast.” The girl’s eyes widened, her mouth falling open. “Muffins, I think. Don’t quote me on that, but -”

“She’s making us muffins?” Ellie groaned and popped a blueberry into her mouth. “God, Joel, you know if you just asked her to move in, it would be much easier.” What? He froze, Ellie’s name on the tip of his tongue, but she continued, reaching for a raspberry. “Like, there’s plenty of room here. I live in the garage, and it’s not like you need two bedrooms. Fuck these are good.” She took another berry and then stood up, gesturing at the kitchen. “You two are just going back and forth between two houses, and it’s stupid.” 

“Ellie, I …” I don’t know what to say. “She’s lived in that apartment almost the entire time she’s been here, I don’t think she wants to move.”

“Dude, she’d move in here with you yesterday if you asked.” She reached for a strawberry, picking the stem and leaves off before she raised it, eyeing the fruit without looking at him. “What are you waiting for?” 

“I don’t know.” He answered honestly, stepping into the room and stopping opposite her before leaning forward and resting his elbows on the countertop. “Hasn’t come up.” 

“So bring it up.” She finished her strawberry, shrugging her shoulders as she chewed, her eyes locked with his. “It’s easy.” It wasn’t, though - not for him, but Joel knew how persistent Ellie could be and so he nodded, reaching forward to pick up a couple of the berries, too. 

“We’re goin’ on that supply run in August. Maybe I’ll…” He frowned. No, I will. “We’ll talk about it then. We’ll have plenty of time.” 

“Good.” She grinned, tossing a blueberry in his direction. “She’s not gonna wait forever for you to ask.” The thought terrified him, and he knew that while Ellie was telling the truth, she wasn’t doing it to scare him - it was just her nature. But she ain’t wrong. “Do you think I can go pick some of these?” She pointed at the containers, reaching up to scratch at the back of her neck with her other hand. “I could eat this whole thing right now.” 

“You can ask.” He smiled, nodding. “She’s comin’ over for dinner tonight, and she’ll know better than I will.” 

“Cool!” Ellie grinned and straightened up, too. “One of you come get me when she’s here, alright?” 

He assured her that he would and then Ellie was gone, back out the front door and leaving Joel standing in the bright light of his kitchen. The girl’s words gave him even more to think about, and with a quiet laugh, he turned and headed back for the stairs. At least the damn wood can’t talk back.

— 

The sun was sinking lower toward the horizon by the time you made it over to Joel’s that night, a small bag slung over one shoulder and another in your hands. Even though you’d showered and changed, you could still feel the sunlight from earlier, your skin pleasantly warm from the time you’d spent outside. 

And because you were in a good mood, you’d dressed for the occasion, intending to surprise Joel. I just hope he … doesn’t think it’s weird. 

Stepping onto the porch, you raised your hand to knock, closing your eyes and taking a deep breath. “Joel?” You called his name as your knuckles made contact with the wood and then stepped back, waiting. 

It didn’t take him long to reach the door and pull it open, the man’s mouth opening to greet you and then freezing that way, his eyes going wide. Guess he doesn’t think it’s weird. “You… damn.” Joel sucked in a breath and then stepped back, gesturing for you to come in. “Never seen you dressed like this before. What’s the …” With a smile on your face, you passed him and headed into the kitchen, Joel trailing behind you. 

It was just a dress - a dark blue, calf length sundress with a tiny floral print on it, a belt tied loosely at the waist. You’d paired it with comfortable sneakers to make it more practical, but you understood his reaction. Because it’s not at all what he’s used to seeing me in. 

“Figured it would be alright for a couple hours, hmm?” Setting the smaller bag down on the island and the larger one on one of the kitchen chairs, you turned back to face him. “I don’t do this often, but -” He cut you off when he stepped forward, one hand rising to cradle your cheek against his palm, the other landing against your opposite hip. “Joel?”

“Wish you could do it more.” Lips quirking up briefly, he leaned in and kissed you, the man’s mouth soft on yours. “Easy access for me.” You couldn’t contain your laughter, winding your arms around him and letting Joel pull you even closer, the man’s mouth dropping from yours to your neck, his smile still evident. This feels so normal. Feels… like before.

“It’s good to hear you making jokes, Joel.” Murmuring the words, you threaded your fingers through his hair, a smile on your face, too. When you separated a few seconds later, you pulled your hands away from him and crossed them over your chest, though you didn’t look away. “I brought other clothes. Something to sleep in, and something to wear tomorrow, but if you -”

 No way.” He nodded, pressing his lips together in a thin line. “You know that whenever you’re here at night, I’m never gonna ask you to leave.” You did know that, but you liked confirming it - and part of you knew that Joel also liked the confirmation, because it told him that despite all the time you’d been together, you still weren’t expecting things from him. “Ellie wanted me to let her know when you got here.” 

“Yeah?” He nodded, jerking his chin toward the window. 

“Yeah. She wants to go out to pick next time the fruit’s ripe, and I told her to ask you because you’d know more.” Of course she does. She’s never been. “I’ll go an’ get her.”

“Joel, wait.” Reaching out, you rested your hand on his arm. “Wait just a few minutes.” He was confused and you understood. Usually, you were all for bringing Ellie in to spend time with the two of you, and that night’s hesitation was a surprise to him. “It’s stupid. I know it is, but …” Gesturing to the things you’d unpacked you rested your hands on the counter and lowered your chin. “I never get to see you like you were earlier today, and I just thought … Joel, I just thought that we could keep going like it’s…” 

It had sounded better in your head while you showered and got dressed, and again while you walked to his place. But as you spoke the words, you realized how foolish it was to pretend - to ask Joel to give you even a few more minutes for a stupid fantasy. “Like it’s what?” He stepped closer, one large hand landing atop yours. “Keep it goin’ like it’s what?” 

“Like we both called off work and spent the day together.” You scoffed, looking up and rolling your eyes. “Like we had a day date and now we’re going to have one tonight. I’ll make dinner and bake muffins, and we’ll sit together and eat, and …” You trailed off, lifting one hand to cover your face. “It’s so stupid. God, just hearing myself say it, it’s -”

“It ain’t stupid.” He said your name, squeezing your hand. “At all.” It is. But thanks for… thanks for trying. “You want a couple more minutes with me?” You nodded, despite yourself, and he nodded back, pulling away from you and putting his hand on his hip. “Alright. You tell me what you need to me to do.” I… 

You let yourself stare at him again, searching his face for a sign that he was just humoring you - and you couldn’t find one. 

All you saw were his eyes on you - the man watching you with barely-concealed desire, the skin of his cheeks and the bridge of his nose slightly sunburned, the freckles there standing out more than they usually did and making you fall even harder for him than you already had. 

Tell him. Tell him that you - “I brought pasta.” Swallowing hard, you closed your eyes and took a breath. “Figured we could use those tomatoes and some garlic and make a sauce, and we’d have spaghetti. I didn’t have any meat, but -” 

“I do.” He pointed at the refrigerator and then moved toward it. “Some bison, actually. It’s steaks, but we can use the grinder.” He trailed off as he stepped past you and opened the refrigerator, only speaking again when he’d set the package down on the island next to you. “Grind it up and add it the sauce. How’s that sound?” It sounded perfect to you - much like every night spent with Joel and doing domestic things sounded. Stop being so goddamn ridiculous. 

“Good. It’ll be nice to see that thing get some use.” He raised a middle finger at you, turning away to grab a bowl while you spun to fill a pot with water, prepping it for the noodles. As always, the two of you moved fluidly together in the kitchen, and within only a few minutes, you were crushing tomatoes and garlic and Joel was feeding the meat into the funnel, cranking the arm with his other hand. 

Pausing to watch, you felt your cheeks growing warm at the way his biceps flexed with each motion of his hand, Joel’s t-shirt pulled tight against his broad chest. You’d never get tired of looking at him, and you knew that not only was the world too far gone for trivial things like that to matter, you were much too old to stare at him like a teenager with a crush. But what’s the point if… 

“You’re staring.” He’d finished with the meat, both of the man’s hands flat on the countertop and his eyes on you. “Makin’ sure I’m doing it right?” 

“No, Joel.” Setting the knife down, you picked up the cutting board and dumped everything into a bowl, giving yourself a few seconds to recover before you faced him again. “I know you’re doing it right, I’m just …” Placing the board in the sink, you turned back toward him, surprised to see that Joel was night next to you. “What are you -”

“Washin’ my hands.” Holding them up, he smirked. “Don’t wanna get raw meat all over you.” All over me? What? “Don’t put that on the stove yet.” He stopped you as you reached for the bowl of ground meat, your hands freezing just before you grabbed it. “Wait a minute.” 

— 

The sight of you at his front door - wearing a dress had almost derailed the entire night, Joel barely able to restrain himself from taking your hand and leading you up to the bedroom right then and there. It was rare that he was speechless, but he had been that night, the sight of you making his throat dry and his fingers flex in anticipation and admiration.

Your explanation for your outfit - and for waiting longer to call Ellie in made perfect sense to him, and despite his best efforts, he let himself think about what a normal life with you would be like. 

Instead of infected and bandits and pasts shrouded in shame and mystery, Joel imagined date nights and road trips, visiting friends and reaching milestones - one of which Ellie had suggested earlier, and another that he’d been putting off for far too long. But so has she, and it’s for the same reason. 

You eased the tension as you started prepping dinner, and grinding the meat gave Joel a little more time to gather his thoughts. 

But when he caught you staring, your eyes fixed on what his hands and arms were doing, he knew that putting it off any longer was the wrong decision. And so he made a joke, giving himself a few more seconds to mentally prepare, followed by a second joke, the man rinsing his hands quickly and then turning back to stop you from rushing with the cooking. “Wait a minute.” 

You stopped, caught between Joel and the island, and much like the first night you’d been over for a movie, he didn’t try to stop himself from closing the distance to kiss you, his damp hand pressed to the center of your back, bare skin the only thing he could feel beneath it. 

He kissed you hard, wasting no time with easing you into it, the man’s tongue parting your lips and seeking more from you, the angle of your head adjusting automatically to accommodate his. Your hands gripped the material of his shirt, urging him to get closer, and when you sighed against his lips, one hand letting go and then stroking slowly over his back, he felt the knot of anxiety in his chest loosen. That’s it. 

He already considered you family - and he was certain everyone in Jackson knew it, thanks to the incident that had happened with Cooper and the bloater in the old middle school. The two of you were rarely apart when you weren’t working on on patrols, and there was no question as to whether or not Ellie wanted you around. He knew where Tommy stood on the topic of you and having a place in Joel’s life. 

As the kiss continued, both of you briefly breaking to breathe, Joel finally understood everything - admitting the truth to himself for the first time even though deep down, he’d known it for months. She’s hesitating because I am. 

When you separated, he eased himself backwards, putting a few inches of space between the two of you without letting go, and then Joel said your name again, the sound catching in his throat. “I shoulda said this sooner.” 

“Said what, Joel?” Pulling your lower lip back and between your teeth, you dropped one hand to his waist, the one that had been fisting the material of his shirt remaining in place. “What are -”

“I’m done waitin’.” He smiled at you, nodding. “And I think you are, too.” There was confusion in your eyes and he winced. No more of that. The man nodded twice, raising a hand to your face and taking your chin between one finger and his thumb, making sure that your eyes were on him before he said anything else. “I love you.”

It felt like a dam breaking - three words that he hadn’t said out loud to anyone in twenty years leaving his mouth and meant only for you to hear - and if your reaction was any indication, you weren’t fully prepared for the flood. But it feels right. He lifted his thumb, stroking it slowly over your lower lip, the man unable to look away, even as tears welled in your eyes. 

“Say it again.” Your voice wavered, tongue darting out and making contact with the tip of his finger briefly. “Joel, please say it again.”

“I love you.” That time, his voice cracked, but a small smile followed, Joel’s next words rushed. “And I know what saying that means, and I know that it ain’t a -”

“I love you, too.” There was no hesitation, your voice much stronger than his had been. “I have for a while.” He felt relief at your admission, and even though he’d been almost certain that you felt the same, part of him - the part of him that was still firmly rooted in the past and what he’d done - had doubted. Not her, but … whether or not I deserve it. 

You kissed him then, the press of your lips reassurance and relief indeed of a something demanding, and Joel didn’t want to let you go. But I have to. We’ve gotta make dinner, and Ellie’s comin’ in, and … “Hey.” He spoke quietly, his forehead pressed to yours. “We’ve gotta….”

“I know.” With a long sigh, you pushed him away, your eyes glittering with unshed tears. “Go get her. I’ll start cooking.” Stepping away, from you, Joel stopped at the sound of your voice, turning to look at you from over his shoulder. “We can talk later, if you want.” 

Of course I want that. “Yeah. We can.” 

— 

You replayed it over and over in your mind for the next few hours, but no matter how many times you heard Joel’s voice telling you that he loved you, you knew that it wouldn’t ever be enough. 

It had caught you off guard, and if you hadn’t been pressed up and against the edge of the kitchen island, you knew that you probably would have lost your balance. He loves me. He loves me and … You’d had an idea that he felt that way, but never actually thought you’d hear him say it. And I get it, but I … I still wanted it. 

Dinner went smoothly - Ellie coming in just in time to help you cut and toast a loaf of bread while the meat browned and the noodles cooked. The three of you ate in the living room, the TV playing an old comedy movie that Ellie found hysterical. 

You barely paid attention to it, instead curled up against Joel’s side, the man’s arm around your shoulders and holding you close. You wondered what he thought of the situation - of the three of you spending the night together in his house after such an immense admission only a few hours earlier. 

But his even breathing and the way his hand never faltered in the slow and steady path it was making against your upper arm told you that everything was fine. Good. Because I don’t know what I’d do if things were different now. 

Ellie sad goodnight around 10, the girl heading back to her garage and leaving you and Joel alone in the house. As soon as she was gone, the silence was almost overwhelming, even with the sounds of Joel checking the door and window locks. 

“Upstairs or down here?” He appeared back in the doorway, leaning against the frame, and the man kept his eyes on you while he waited for your answer.  

“Probably down here for now.” Raising a brow, you wrinkled your nose. “We don’t usually talk much up there.” Joel laughed and came back into the room, lowering himself onto the couch next to you and then reaching out, pulling you toward him. You helped, easing over so that you were partially sitting on his lap, and then the two of you stopped moving, the room silent around you. 

The overhead light was dimmed, casting shadows into the corners of the room, and after only a few minutes, the movement of Joel’s hand started again, the rough pads of his fingers trailing up and down your arm. “I haven’t told anyone that I love them since … since Sarah.” He sniffed, taking a long breath. “And I haven’t said it to a woman since Nadine.” 

 That shocked you, your hand pressing harder against his chest in response. Since Nadine? “Joel, I don’t… you didn’t…” 

“Even before,” he started, the hand not on your arm sliding up and down your cotton-covered thigh. “I only said it when I meant it.” Lifting your head, you met his eyes, the vulnerability in them clearly visible. “I mean it now.” 

“I know.” Leaning in, you pressed your lips to his cheek and then dropped them down, letting them linger against the bare patch closer to the edge of his jaw. “I mean it too.” 

“Good.” He forced out a laugh and you backed off, watching as he frowned. “Don’t know what I would have done if you you didn’t.” His tone was serious, but you saw a flicker of relief cross his features, the man smiling briefly.

It made you laugh, though. Your entire body shook as he pulled you close, drawing you into the protective circle of his arms like he had so many times before. “I’ve loved you for a long time, Joel. Didn’t say it because, I didn’t want to scare you off, but … that doesn’t mean it wasn’t true.” 

You didn’t think he was going to reply, but then Joel did, kissing the crown of your head and speaking once he’d turned his head to press his cheek there. 

“Yeah… I know you did. I’m sorry it took me so long to get outta my head about it.”

You couldn’t fault him for waiting. Things weren’t like they had been before, and even though you’d wanted to hear the words from him, you’d always known that when - and if - he said them, it couldn’t be because you’d prompted him to do so. 

“No need to apologize, Joel.” Backing off, you reached up, stroking his bearded cheek with your thumb. “You said it now, and that’s all that matters.” He nodded, eyeing you. “And to be honest, you said it without saying it, too, for a long time, but…” 

“So did you.” He leaned in, the man’s lips moving slowly against yours. “All the damn time.” The kiss was languid, you and Joel staying as close as possible for a long time - and then you broke away from him, standing and extending your hand. 

“Come on, Miller.” He leaned forward, reaching up and twining his fingers with yours. “Got some more things to say to you upstairs.” 

—

Tag list coming soon! 

[alittlebitofeverythang]

So, the devs alluded to the fact that Maria had met Johnny before he kidnapped her so, this little thing I’m making will be a little series. Adding on to the last story I made about the day she was kidnapped, this is before he took when she supposedly met a handsome stranger. We also say she is slowly stalked by the stranger before he takes her.

⚠️ warning there is discrimination in this and some language and sexual advances. ⚠️

Jonny’s little Angel

His eyes scanned the room, though the bar was barely lit, Johnny still knew in the sea of faces, none of them were new. Same ol’ people he’d seen before. He’d be lyin’ if he said he wasn’t feeling a slight bit of annoyance in his chest. “Well ain’t that a real bitch.” He huffed under his breath bringing the bottle of beer up to his lips. The bottle and its contrasts had long lost its chill. The now warm liquid burned a bit as it rushed down. Something Johnny had come to be familiar with. He wetted his lips, setting the bottle down on the wooden table with a soft clink. A thought crossed his mind, a fight. That could itch that sweet spot that’s been unsatisfied for the past few days. However, the drive to start a fight left as soon as it came. Johnny sighed leaning back in the booth, his head angled upward to the light that hung above the table. He let out a breath. “Alright.” He said to aloud quietly, an agreement with himself to leave. Taking. A last swig of the bottle he got up, rolled his shoulders, and headed out the door.

The night was warm, not too much of a difference from the Texas heat during the day. His..well- Drayton’s white truck was parked just across the street, lights were far and few on the streets itself. A true and perfect setup for trouble of his making. Just as he inserted his keys I. The door his ear p kids up on something. A voice. Voices. An argument? “Please, I just need one night. Surely you can make an exception for me. I apologize, I know it’s really late but it’s just one night.” Johnny’s eyes roam to the hotel that sat to the right of the antique shop he parked in front of. The woman has a fairly thick accent. “Listen, lady, those rooms are for special guests coming tomorrow.” He couldn’t see the woman’s face but he could only imagine. “I understand that but, check out is at 10 am and you said that those guests won’t be here until 5pm tomorrow. This is also the only hotel open this late.” The woman reminded him politely. “I know what I told you, but I don’t want the likes of you here.” The woman went silent for a moment. Johnny began walking over in no rush really. This was the most interesting thing he’d seen all night. “Excuse me?” *her tone was no longer friendly, her fist clenched at her side. “Why would you refuse me? Two, what do you mean “the likes of me”? I have done nothing to you.”

Johnny approached with a charming smile before his ungloved calloused hands caressed her arm the woman gasped startled before whipping around to face him. “Hi darlin.” For a fleeting moment Johnny wondered how his touch felt to her. Did she like it? “Um, hello.” The woman was captivating to say the least. Pretty face, round hazel eyes, elegant hair that framed her face just right. Johnny’s eyes wander down, well equipped with the ballistics too. She frowned, his gaze not going unnoticed. “Can I help you?” She questioned apprehensively. Johnny chuckled, “sorry darlin’, I jus happen to notice you look stressed. This old man giving you trouble?” Johnny pointed to the guy with his thumb. “What’s the problem?” He asked. “This…” she looked at the man “culo arrogante, has a room that won’t be used until tomorrow afternoon but says he won’t let “someone like me” as he put it, in the room.” She shot him a nasty glare. Johnny’s eyes shifted to focus on the man. Bert. Johnny knew him well. Hotel rooms are his go to often on nights like this. “Now that ain’t no way to treat a lady now is it? Especially when it's mine.” The woman’s look of confusion was prevalent in her features. He winked at her. Bert’s face was beyond angry, steam was practically coming out of his ears. “That’s a load of bull-“ Johnny interrupted him slamming his hand in the glass, obstructing Bert’s view of the woman. “Oh Bert, are we really gonna have a problem? Cause…” Johnny’s voice went lower and quiet. A voice that threatened violence. “I can fix it.” Not a treat, a promise. The stare off didn’t happen for long before Bert began ringing up the room that Johnny gladly paid for. He relaxed and draped an arm around the woman’s shoulder. “Room 13.” Bert slid the key through the semi circle in the glass window. As Johnny began to walk with his arm still around her Bert grumbled. “You just go with any ol desperate bitch.” The woman stopped abruptly turning her head to face Bert about to say something, “Aht, you’d better not. You might make me do somethin’ I won’t regret. Johnny warned using his index finger to turn her head back forward. Her cheek was very soft. “What do you mean by that?” She questioned trying to pull away. Johnny’s grip tightened pulling her back before leaning down to whisper in her ear. “Darlin, ya gotta play the part to keep the room. Quite frankly, I’d beat the hell outa him if he disrespected you again.” Johnny wasn't totally honest, the truth was, he’d beat Bert just for trying to go up against him.

Room 13, Johnny had the keys in hand and unlocked the door swinging it open. “After you sweetheart,” he gestured to the room. She looked at him, her brows furrowed, “you don’t plan on coming in do you?” He locked eyes with her for a moment. Thinking. He considered doing a hit and run. All he had to do was charm the poor thing. “I didn’t catch ya name sweetie.” She seemed hesitant before a small smile graced her lips. “Maria.” The way she said her own name made his heart stutter. The name. It fit. “Maria” he repeated. “Well, Maria-“ Johnny leaned against the doorframe giving her a charming smile. “You can call me Johnny.” She gave him a small nod, her smile becoming more prevalent. “Nice to meet you Johnny. Thank you for helping me out.” Mercy, the way his name sounded on her lips was nothing short of a symphony. “Of course darlin’ I can't imagine bein’ out here all by your lonesome and bein’ treated like that. Not very kind.” He commented, she seems susceptible to suggestions. “So, Maria, ya gonna let me stay the night? You know, for insurance, and…maybe you’d be interested in…” Johnny met Maria’s hazel eyes again. “Jumpin’ some bones as they say.” Maria quirked an eyebrow, “I’m sorry, but no thanks. I happen to have a boyfriend who is the light of my life. Who is the only man I would choose.” Johnny went silent the smile fading. She said no? Who ever says no to Johnny? No woman has ever said no to Johnny. Why was she any different? Boyfriend or not? Hell, he’d been with a few scandals here and there. In that moment Johnny made a vow to himself and the angel in front of him. He’d have her. One day. Down how. Not sure when, but he’d make sure of it. “Alright, I respect that. You have a good night darlin’.” He tipped his hat. His calm words betraying the anger and intrigue that burned indie his chest. She gave him a polite nod. “Buenas noches.” She said before closing the door. Johnny pulled out a cigarette, lighting it with his zippo lighter. Soon Maria. Soon.

(I’m still working on learning how to make things hue and saturate. But I have the og and the other version.

[skaruresonic]

... I never realized before how similar in headbashing stupidity "an immunitary disease is kept in remission by low gravity" and "Super Silver can rip away a virus that mutated people on a cellular level" are as cures for illnesses.

At least I know that the Metal Virus crap was because Flynn made it too OP and so he had to find a solution to the problem he created no matter what. Again, I reiterate that we did not need to know the nitty gritty of Maria's illness beyond "she was terminally ill and that's why Gerald was desperate to find a cure". It's not about "muh super saiyan hedgehog franchise", it's that a much more elegant solution 1) exists, and 2) did not need to be told (and 3) it directly goes against what shown in the games)

I'm still not convinced the low gravity thing wasn't all Flynn's doing, because

A.) Maekawa seemed to not be privy to it; he simply said if ST changed the original vision, that's their prerogative. A statement which doesn't really prove anything on its own. If he knew anything, he would have provided a less nonchalant answer,

and B.) it's the exact brand of nitpicky inanity Flynn employed in the comic. Characters spent aaaaaages agonizing over why they couldn't solve the metal virus through the usual channels, only for "tear the virus off like it's a second skin because the plot demands it" to be the solution.

Like, Eggman spent paragraphs explaining how the virus changes you at the cellular level. So what, pray tell, did Silver exactly do?

It's an asspull. Something that sounds good on the surface for all of two seconds before you apply a modicum of thought to it. And then you get told to shut up because you're thinking too hard.

Nah, man. I shouldn't have to do the writer's job because he's not thinking hard enough.

---

Again, I reiterate that we did not need to know the nitty gritty of Maria's illness beyond "she was terminally ill and that's why Gerald was desperate to find a cure". It's not about "muh super saiyan hedgehog franchise", it's that a much more elegant solution 1) exists, and 2) did not need to be told (and 3) it directly goes against what shown in the games)

"It doesn't have to be realistic, relax" is a weird hill to die on when SA2 is one of the few games that are grounded in reality, inasmuch a Sonic game can be grounded in reality. I could see that argument for, like, Mania, but SA2? Especially given the fact that Maria's illness is the reason Gerald created life, with all the existential implications attached? You're gonna treat it as the same tier as "What do rings do?"

I know I always harp on the "weapons of mass destruction" thing, but it can't be understated just how weirdly topical such a thing is for a game released in June 2001. You can apply this to other elements as well, such as the commercial bent and the focus on government conspiracies. It all converges to create an unreplicable atmosphere that is uniquely early aughts.

Y2K was a weird time for everyone; the world feared the end at the stroke of midnight on January 1st, and didn't quite understand how technology would play a part in shaping the future. In fact, Maekawa managed to convince ST to set their next adventure in space in order to celebrate the new millennium. SA2 is a time capsule of those cultural hopes and anxieties.

You cannot ignore that part when analyzing the game. You cannot ignore how art reflects reality in this case. Tails saying he caught the news of Sonic's arrest on "satellite TV" would be the modern equivalent of saying he caught it while watching YouTube. The words "weapon of mass destruction" leaving Shadow's mouth would be like if Infinite mentioned drone strikes in Forces.

Although subsequent games do allude to real-life every now and again, like ShTH and its one-off mentions of Japan and France - they're just that, tidbits. None are as deeply contemporaneous to their time as SA2. None have it as baked into their grain in the same manner as SA2.

...To say nothing of the usual "just because the games take place in a setting with supersonic hedgehogs doesn't render them unworthy of critical examination." Should go without saying.

also what the fuck, people are calling it "space AIDS." maybe choose a bigger fish to fry

[fancifulplaguerat]

I have further spare Aglaya thoughts. Cannot stop thinking about how whenever Aglaya mentions her hatred towards Nina it's predicated on Nina's cruelty/disregard for others contrasted against Aglaya's lines like “To this day, I've been paying for my kind-heartedness,” “It's a pity that everyone sees an enemy in me. Such is the bias against inquisitors. I only wish to do good; not specific, targeted good, like that Clara, but overarching good,” “I am a humanitarian. My duty is to save people, not kill them. I only condemn a few to death for the sake of the many.” That “I've been paying for my kind-heartedness” and “It's a pity that everyone sees an enemy in me” just make my heart hurt for her because I do sincerely believe her. Yes she is cruel towards Clara and deceives Daniil but I've said it before I will say it again: 1) I love Daniil so very much but *everyone* warned him not to trust her and 2) nearly every Patho character is an opportunist and/or trying to act after being dealt and incredibly shitty hand, which often results in deception and cruelty towards others. Aglaya is no different in my mind.

Also a particular detail in her dialogue which caught my eye is when she remarks that, “For a moment, I thought [Block] was driven by the same feeling that I am: a great man, when unexpectedly betrayed by the people he loves, will often seek to fill the whole universe with his blind spite. Yes, the feeling is indeed familiar...” I wonder what this refers to. My first thought is presumably Nina, but I can't quite imagine Aglaya feeling betrayed by her? It seems like they were too opposed? Like. I have no idea if I can articulate this well, but: Nina and Aglaya seem so alike yet fundamentally different that I just imagine tension would be endemic in their relationship. Also the way Aglaya characterizes her in the quote “Nina was the embodiment of absolute evil. The charming, intoxicating, beautiful evil, the evil that can drive you mad. The graceful and elegant evil that is fast to capture anyone in its web—even those who stand up to evil till the very last.” She calls Nina evil constantly. It is the lifeblood of her motivation—to destroy what her sister created. But that betrayal lines makes me think about what sort of uncomfortable love one can only have towards a family member that they fucking hate, like Aglaya does indeed think Nina is evil but also she is her (little?) sister and presumably grew up with her and I doubt Aglaya could see her as just wholly evil. That entire mess. Just compels me, particularly in how it adds another aspect to Nina.

I often think about how Nina is this object of terror and adoration more than a character in Patho Classic. Even sometimes, in my opinion, more an embodiment of utopia as Simon is for creation. Everyone close to her or who merely knew her as Mistress absolutely reveres her, perhaps even more after her death (which I think is the point, but, I digress). So to me, Aglaya and Maria have the most interesting dynamics with Nina because only through them does Nina feel more "real" to me, insofar as a character can. The dichotomy between Aglaya and Nina nicely contrasts this to me. Yes other characters allude to Nina being terrifying and so forth, but Aglaya's declarations that Nina is evil aren't accompanied by any reverence or respect or adoration that often does other characters' discussions of her. And it's yes Maria idolizes her, but as a child idealizes their parent. That is entirely separate from other characters who appear closest to Nina in Patho Classic: Victor, Andrey, and Peter, all of whom presumably had some sort of romantic attachment to her (if to various degrees and requitedness). Maria looks up to her, and in her words, “shall become her, [...] shall overcome her...” Maria interests me in that vein, that she aims to surpass her mother, and thus her idealization is necessarily different than others' who solely worship her.

I did not intend to write that much but this is what thinking about the Kaina-Lilich women does to a motherfucker. Apparently.

[e-dubbc11]

Snowstorm Shenanigans

Photos are not mine. They are courtesy of Pinterest/Google.

Pairing: Billy Russo x F! Reader

Warnings: Some swearing, alluding to smexy time, all the fluff you could ever ask for, unicorns and fluffy bunnies PG-13 for the most part, mentions of Billy’s scars

Word Count: 7.5k-ish (there’s a lot going on, more characters, I’m sorry it’s a little long)

Summary: Billy takes you away for the weekend, invites your friends to come along, has elaborate plans for you but the snowstorm is throwing a wrench into his plan.

A/N: They’re baaaaaack! Frank and Ginger have come along for the ride on this one. If you’re new to the world of these two, you can read how they first started getting on each others nerves in Happy Birthday part ONE and TWO, and how they continued to drive each other nuts in GAME ON. This is also part of a writing challenge that my lovelies from the Thirsty For Cox server decided to do for the month of December, the prompt was Snowed In. I hope you enjoy this and check out everyone else’s also.

As always, thank you for reading!  I appreciate it so much and comments, reblogs are welcome and encouraged. Don’t be shy to tell me your favorite part. 💕💕 💕

“Where are we going, Billy?” You asked your boyfriend as you sat in the passenger’s seat of the car, staring at his handsome profile, and Billy grinning from ear to ear.

“It’s a surprise, sweet girl. It will be fun though. Frank and Maria are coming and I invited Ginger and her boyfriend to come too.” He said, adjusting the heat in the car while you turned to look out the window as flurries fell from the sky.

All the signs you passed on the highway said he was headed north, and earlier in the week he told you to pack warm winter clothes but also pack the new dress he bought for you because he was taking you to a very nice dinner on Saturday. Obviously, he was taking you away for the weekend but there was something different about this getaway, Billy didn’t normally invite others to come along, he always loved having you all to himself, so what was he up to?

“You invited everyone to come along? You’re up to something Mr. Russo, I know it.” You said with narrow eyes and a straight expression.

He glanced at you with a sly smile and said “It’s gonna be a good weekend, baby. I promise, and they’re not comin’ until tomorrow so we have the place to ourselves tonight.” Keeping his eyes on the road, Billy brought your hand up to his lips to kiss it and there was a rush of warmth through your entire body.

“Do you wanna place a bet on how many arguments Frank and Ginger are going to get into?” You started to laugh and he did too, it was definitely going to be an interesting weekend with those two involved.

After riding in the car for a handful of hours, you saw the sign on the side of the highway—Welcome to Vermont, The Green Mountain State. The snow falling was a little heavier now and the scenery was absolutely beautiful, even on the highway. Blankets of white covered the tree tops on either side of you, the soft glow of the moon which was just starting to rise up over the trees, bounced off of the freshly fallen snow which shined brightly like little diamonds sprinkled everywhere as far as the eye could see.

You slowly turned from the car window to look at your boyfriend, he was glancing down every so often at the GPS on his phone, carefully making sure he was going the right way. The man spoiled you every chance he had, always taking you away to some of the most beautiful places in the world but he hardly ever took the time to look around because he was too busy looking at you.

The St. Regis in Bora Bora was gorgeous, your own little private hut on the clearest bluest water you’ve ever seen, glass windows on the floor so you could see the fish swimming underneath you. Your jaw dropped to the floor at how beautiful it all was and every time you told him to look at something or “did you see that?” He always responded the same way while gazing at you “I’ll see it later, sweet girl.”

Or the time he took you away to Lake Tahoe, the mountains, the hot springs, all of it was breathtaking. You both turned your phones off for the entire week and he wanted nothing more than to just see your reaction to the scenery around you.

Every morning, Billy would watch you drink your coffee out on the deck. You were looking out at the snow covered mountains and breathing in the crisp clean air, you could feel he was there and after watching you for a few minutes, he would join you outside. “Hey there, handsome. It’s beautiful out here isn’t it?”

Billy wrapped his free hand around your waist, he pulled you in close, kissed you on the top of your head, still only looking at you and he said “Yes it is.”

“You’re not even looking, Billy.” You said with a smile.

He leaned down to kiss you and whispered in your ear. “Yes I am.”

You would just roll your eyes at him, smile, and kiss him back, you loved him so much.

************************************************

“I love you.” You told him, gently brushing his beard with your fingers. If he wasn’t driving, he would have turned to look at you.

Keeping his eyes on the road but stealing a quick glance, he responded “I love you too, baby. I love you too.”

The exit he took said Dover and he kept driving until he pulled up to a timber frame contemporary cabin, surrounded by trees. It was very private and extremely beautiful and you couldn’t wait to get out and look around.

Billy parked the car, you bit down on your bottom lip as you unclipped your seatbelt with a glow of excitement in your eyes.

“Go on, my love. I know you wanna go look around. I’ve got the bags.” He said with a warm smile.

You put on your winter hat and gloves then took off to explore the outside of the house. Looking up, you saw the wrap around deck that was attached to the back of the house, there was a path that led down to the fire pit and overlooked a stream.

You couldn’t believe you were going to be staying here for the next three days. The hot tub faced the woods, the two of you would make good use of that later and you walked around the entire house one more time before walking up the back steps onto the deck.

Billy was standing at the kitchen counter, his back towards you and you could see he was holding something but you couldn’t see what it was. You tapped lightly on the glass, he put whatever it was in his jacket pocket and walked towards the door to let you in.

“Well? What did you find out there, beautiful?” He asked.

You started to untie your snow boots. “Billy, this place is gorgeous! I found the path that leads down to the fire pit and the stream, it’s so beautiful.” You finally got both boots off and set them by the door. “And then I found the hot tub, I thought maybe we could—“

Cutting you off mid-sentence, he pulled you in close and brushed his thumb against your cheek, which was a little cold and flushed from being outside. His rich dark eyes looked down at you before pressing his lips firmly against yours, they tasted a little like coffee with just a hint of sugar and he started to unzip your jacket.

“Billy Russo, we JUST got here!” You said, playfully pushing him away from you. “Can I look around inside before you attack me with your lips again?” You asked.

Billy rolled his eyes and in a joking manner, he said “Ok, but look fast because I can’t promise I can stay away from you for too long.” He said with a wink.

Starting in the kitchen, the counter tops were marble, there was a breakfast bar in the middle and all of the appliances were stainless steel. The dining room off of the kitchen had a large wooden table with a chandelier overhead. The main living area had soaring cathedral ceilings, beautiful natural woodwork, a stone gas fireplace and natural wood floors.

The master bedroom was upstairs and two more bedrooms were downstairs. There was also another common room area with a double queen bunk bed. Both living areas had tvs and plenty of board games.

You stopped in the doorway of the master bedroom, Billy had already put all of your bags inside and you felt him sneak up behind you. He snaked his arms around your waist from behind and started kissing your neck. Oh god, you loved it when he did that. You closed your eyes and just let it happen, he peppered kisses up and down the sides of your neck as your coat dropped to the floor.

Turning to face him, his eyes weren’t focused on anything else but you. “Billy, you’re staring at me like you haven’t seen me in a week.” You said to him with a slight smile.

He gently pulled at the hem of your sweater. “It was a long car ride, baby.”

You knew that look of his very well, even though he kept his hand on you basically the entire ride, it wasn’t enough for Billy. He needed you, what he had said a few minutes ago was true, he couldn’t be away from you for too long because he knew that as quickly as he got something, it could be taken from him just as fast.

No matter how many times you reassured him you weren’t going anywhere, that you loved him, and wanted to be with him always, he kept you close and tight to his chest. You were everything to him.

“I know, handsome…I know.” You whispered in his ear and nervously touched the fabric of his thermal Henley shirt.

Billy’s gaze roamed over your body from head to toe, he studied you. He was always doing that, watching as to where your hands would touch him next. You thought it might be a reflex action leftover from being in the Marines, anticipating the enemy’s next move and even though you weren’t the enemy, his guesses were never wrong.

He always predicted your every move, it was hard to surprise him but you still tried to. Your hands moved from just below his chest to the hem of his dark green shirt, you went to pull it off but he beat you to it.

In one quick motion, his shirt was off and he made the sweater you were wearing disappear just as fast, revealing the silk camisole you had on underneath.

His lips collided with yours after watching your sweater fall at your feet and he parted your lips with his tongue, taking your breath away. He eagerly walked you backwards towards the bed, before climbing on top of you as your head gently hit the pillow.

His greedy hands slipped underneath the camisole so he could brush the soft skin on your stomach with his fingers, causing goosebumps to pepper across your body like it was the first time he’s ever touched you.

His caress did that to you every time whether he was being gentle with soft sweet kisses or ravaging your body like lion after a fresh kill, leaving love bites all over to remind you that you were his, you loved them both equally as much.

Before he kissed you again, you glanced at his scars, it was hard not to. Every time you did, you felt a little twinge in your heart, the dull pain in your chest always came back.

The two long scars on his shoulder from where his rotator cuff was torn, for some reason looked like they still caused him pain and considering how old they were, you thought they might have faded more than they have.

Billy was breathing heavily as you extended your arm to gently trace the two prominent scars on his shoulder with your fingers, he looked away when you did but still, he let you do it.

You said his name softly. “Billy?”

“Yes, sweet girl?” He tried to smile a little when he turned to answer you.

You looked up at him and peeked again at his scars. “Do they—?” You paused. “Do they still hurt?” You asked.

Billy slowly closed the gap between you, his handsome face inches away from you, his muscular body pressed firmly into yours, and the affection in his eyes eased the pain you felt for him.

With one of your legs wrapped around his thigh, you closed your eyes as he rested his forehead against yours, wishing with all your heart you could take all of his pain away, all of his suffering but he surprised you once again with his answer. “Not anymore, my love. Not anymore.” He said with a smile as he covered your body with his, concentrating on you and only you, silently thinking about what he had planned for this weekend, hoping…you would say yes.

*************************************************

Billy wasn’t next to you when you opened your eyes the next morning, he was so light on his feet that you never heard him leave the room or even close the door behind him. You must have been sleeping hard, between the hot tub and the wine, no wonder you passed right out last night.

When you opened the bedroom door, the aroma of coffee floated in the air and you could hear Billy in the kitchen doing something so you put your sweater on and made your way to where he was. He was putting away groceries, he must have had them delivered as he was still in his sweatpants and t-shirt.

“Good morning, beautiful. Sleep well?” He asked with his head peeking around the fridge door.

“Good morning, handsome. Yes I did.” You said as you walked towards him, biting down on your bottom lip and checking him out from head to toe.

Billy closed the door to the fridge and leaned forward to give you a kiss. “Coffee?” He asked.

“Yes please.” You answered and he handed you a mug of coffee just the way you like it.

“The others will be here in a few hours. Frankie called me a little while ago, Ginger is already making him nuts singing along to every song that comes on the radio.” You and Billy both started to laugh. “Ginger’s in the passenger’s seat, Frankie and Maria are in the back seat so she’s controlling the music.”

Trying to control your laughter, you said “I didn’t know they were all riding together, I can just see Frank leaping out of a moving car to get away from her. There might be three people in the car when they get here, not four. Could you hear her singing?”

Billy took a sip of his coffee. “Oh yep, I could definitely hear her. It was hard not to. 80’s hair metal, I believe.” He said with a sly grin.

Stepping outside on to the deck, you looked up at the overcast sky. The clouds were a bright silver color, the air was frigid and dry, and you could sense that it was going to snow. Wrapped up in your sweater, you took a sip of your coffee when Billy came up behind you and kissed you on the temple.

“It smells like snow.” You said softly with a smile.

Billy looked up at the sky. “It smells like snow? What do ya mean it smells like snow?” He asked with a slight chuckle.

“Exactly what I said, Billy. It smells like it’s gonna snow. Did you look at the forecast?” You asked him. “I’m usually not wrong about these things.” You let out a little laugh.

He gave you a concerned look. “Well no, I didn’t check it but—“ Billy took out his phone, opened his weather app and all of a sudden you watched all of the color drain from his face.

“Shit.” Billy gnashed his teeth, then tightly pressed his lips together and shook his head.

Well that can’t be good.

“This says the area is supposed to get between 2-3 FEET of snow starting early tomorrow morning, all day and into the evening.” He said angrily. “We’re all supposed to go out to dinner tomorrow night and we can’t do that with that much snow on the ground.”

You didn’t understand why Billy was so upset, the snow sounded so romantic and fun but you knew your boyfriend, and he was irritated that his plans were on the verge of being ruined so you tried to diffuse the situation. “Well maybe you can change the reservation from tomorrow night to tonight?”

His expression softened. “That’s a good idea, baby. I’ll be right back.” And he went inside to make a phone call. Why couldn’t he just do it out here, you wondered? There was always a method to Billy’s madness and you couldn’t tell him otherwise so you just left it alone.

He returned to the deck even more flustered than he was before and started pacing back and forth. “I can’t change it, they’re all booked up for tonight and they even said more than likely they won’t be open tomorrow.”

“Ok, then we’ll just have dinner here, Billy. We’ll get take out tonight and save the food you bought for tomorrow. It will be great.” You gently touched his shoulders to reassure him it was alright but he just leaned up against the railing and stayed silent, you weren’t even sure he was listening to you. “Well I’m going to go get ready for the day before everyone gets here, you comin’, handsome?”

Billy tried to smile but you could tell he was furious. “Yeah, I’ll be in in a minute, love.”

Once Billy got angry, it was very difficult to snap him out of it. He completely shut down when things don’t go as planned so walking away was sometimes your best option, you knew he’d get over it—at least you hoped he would.

*************************************************

After readying yourself for the day, you prepared drinks and little bites to eat for your guests, they should be arriving any minute. It was a little before noon when you thought you heard a car door close outside. You weren’t positive until you heard the familiar sounds of Frank and Ginger giving each other a hard time.

Looking down from the window in the front of the house, you heard Frank first. “Ya know Ginger, if you didn’t have such a tiny bladder, we could have been here an hour ago.”

“You’re the one who wanted to all ride together, Frank. So if you think about it, this is all your fault. We could have taken separate cars and you wouldn’t have had to deal with my tiny bladder…or my singing.”

You couldn’t stop giggling at your friends taking playful jabs at each other. Frank and Ginger’s friendship has been love/hate from the start. Ginger tortured Frank with karaoke at your birthday party a few years ago, then there was the time you put them on the same team for a friendly game of laser tag. They’re both very competitive and it was amusing to watch their banter back and forth.

They continued to argue about Ginger’s bladder all the way up the stairs, to the front door. Frank was just about to knock on the door when Ginger hip checked him out of the way and walked through the doorway without knocking.

Maria and Ginger’s boyfriend just acted like that was an ordinary occurrence for the two of them—because it was. They both just threw their hands in the air and just went with the flow.

You ran up to Ginger to give her a hug. “You guys made it!”

“You should have knocked first, Ginger.” Frank said. “Y/n and Bill could have been in a—compromising position.” Frank was grinning ear to ear when he said that.

“Yeah that’s a New Year’s Eve I’ll never forget. My retinas will never be the same.” Ginger laughed.

You could feel your ears and your cheeks start to turn red and you covered your eyes in embarrassment remembering the time you and Billy were caught in the act during a New Year’s Eve party.

Your sparkly black dress hiked up over your hips, while Billy had you pinned against the wall, buried to the hilt, and you not realizing how loud the sinful noises were that Billy was drawing out of you. Or how hard you were hitting the wall behind you until it was too late. Busted. Well at least it made for a good story, you thought.

You cleared your throat. “Ooook if y’all are finished, there’s wine on the counter, glasses are there too. If anyone wants beer, it’s in the fridge and snacks are on the table. I’m going to get Billy, I’ll be right back.”

You called out for him. “Billy?” You found him in the bedroom. “Hey handsome. Everyone’s here, you comin’ out?”

You could tell he was still angry but he tried to put on a happy face for you.

“Yeah, my love. I’ll be out in a second ok?”

You moved closer to him and kissed him on the cheek, his beard tickled your lips. “I love you.”

“I love you too, beautiful.” He winked at you.

From downstairs, you heard Ginger yell out “BUNK BEDS?!!! This place is amazing!”

That made you smile but on the other hand, you were worried about Billy. Why was he so upset about not being able to change the reservation? You knew he wanted to take everyone out for dinner tomorrow night but if you couldn’t go, you couldn’t go. What’s the big deal?

***************************************************

You, Maria, and Ginger filled your afternoon with some shopping at the little boutiques in town and left the men to do whatever they do when they’re left alone with each other which was basically hang out by the fire pit with a couple beers.

Ginger held a black sweater up to your chest. “You should definitely buy this, it’s super cute. What’s the matter, why do you have that look on your face?” She asked.

“Hmmm? Oh, it’s nothing.” You said.

“Nothing my ass. Tell me—tell us. MARIA!! We need you!” Ginger shouted across the quiet boutique and waved her hand for Maria to come over.

“Ok, so this morning when I was outside, I told Billy that it smells like it’s going to snow. He looked at me like I was crazy but then when he looked at the forecast, it said they’re expecting 2-3 feet between early tomorrow morning and tomorrow night. And he got really angry, goin’ on about not being able to go out to dinner tomorrow night if there’s that much snow, it ruined what he had planned, etc., etc.” You explained to them.

A smile crept across Ginger’s face. “We’re getting that much snow?! I saw the snowmobiles outside of the garage, this is gonna be fun!”

“I’ve known Billy for a long time, y/n. And he’s very meticulous in his planning, it’s the marine in him, there’s always a purpose. I think he just wants everyone to have a good time, that’s all.” Maria said, and glancing over at Ginger as if they were silently communicating to each other about something but you ignored it.

“He planned this weekend for all of us and I just want him to enjoy himself too, ya know?” You said to them.

“Should I pick some more fights with Frank? That always seems to make him smile. I saw the Pictionary game in the living room, things could get ugly.” Ginger said with excitement.

Maria started laughing. “I’m sure you’ll do that anyway, Ginger. I thoroughly enjoy you messing with my husband. He openly hates it but I’m convinced he secretly loves it.”

You all started to laugh and suddenly you were very grateful to have them with you.

Around the Fire Pit

Billy, Frank, and Ginger’s boyfriend Chris sat around the crackling fire, drinking beer and talking when Frank asked Billy. “So do you have it on you, Bill?”

Confused, Billy tilted his head to look Frank. “Have what on me, Frankie?” He took a sip of his beer.

“The ring, Bill. Do you have the ring on you? I mean, that’s why you asked all of us to come up here, yeah? You’re gonna ask y/n to marry you.” Frank said with a wicked grin.

“How did you…?” Billy turned to Chris. “Did you know too?!!”

Chris couldn’t do anything except shrug his shoulders and say “Ginger has a hard time keeping secrets.”

“I know you have it on you, Bill. Let’s see it.” Frank reached for Billy’s jacket pocket.

Billy swatted Frank’s hand away. “Alright, alright. Ok, yes I have it with me.” He reached into his jacket pocket and when he took it out again, his long slender fingers were wrapped around a navy blue leather box with the letters HW printed on the top.

Billy opened each side of the box to reveal the ring inside.

“Holy shit, Bill. That’s beautiful.” Frank said with a surprised tone to his voice.

Billy smiled. “You think she’ll like it? Ginger and Maria helped me pick it out. I didn’t know there were so many styles.” He said, glancing down at the ring. “I just hope she says yes.”

“She will, Bill. She loves you, lord knows why.” Frank said with a laugh as he patted his friend on the shoulder.

Billy shook his head while smiling a little. “I can’t believe the girls told you, I told them it was a secret and NOT to tell you guys yet. I asked them for ONE thing!”

Frank and Chris’s reaction was just to laugh at Billy’s disappointment in the girls’ inability to keep his secret.

“Ginger just texted and said they’re at some place called North Star Pizza and they’re bringing home dinner.” Chris said.

“So what’s the deal, Bill? Why were you so salty when we first got here?” Frank asked.

“I wasn’t salty, Frankie.” Billy said.

Frank started to laugh. “You think I don’t know when you’re in a mood? Now what’s the problem?”

Billy started to explain to Frank what the plan was for the proposal but since it’s supposed to snow tomorrow, the restaurant is going to be closed and he wouldn’t be able to do what he wanted to do.

“Well, we can do all of that here. You told us to bring nice clothes so that’s what we’ll do. We’ll all get dressed up like we were going to but we’ll just have a fancy dinner here and you can propose with all of us around just like you would have done at the restaurant, yeah?” Frank said.

Even though his original plan was scrapped, Billy was starting to feel better about the new one his friend came up with.

Chris chimed in. “So I still have to wear the tie, don’t I.”

The three of them started to laugh.

**************************************************

So Friday night was filled with pizza and Pictionary.

Frank and Ginger were on opposite teams, but it still didn’t stop them from heckling each other while the other was drawing.

“That doesn’t look like any movie title I’ve ever seen before, Frank. Maria is never going to guess what that is. Your drawing skills are atrocious!” Ginger joked.

Frank just kept angrily pointing at what he was drawing on the paper and Maria was shrugging her shoulders and trying to not laugh. “I don’t know what that is, Frank!”

“Time’s up!” You yelled out.

Ginger wasn’t finished messing with Frank. “What the hell was that supposed to be anyway?”

With a furrowed brow and his lips pressed firmly together, Frank threw the marker down on to the table and said “Top Gun, it’s supposed to be Top Gun! That’s a plane!”

Everyone erupted in laughter.

“Frankie, that’s the worst drawing of a plane I’ve ever seen. I’m pretty sure Frank Jr. could draw better than that.” Billy laughed, taking the last sip of his drink.

Ginger had a hard time recovering from her laughter. “Hey Billy, don’t let Frank quit his day job, ok?”

You got up from the couch and headed towards the kitchen for more wine but you didn’t notice that Billy got up to follow you and when you turned around to see him standing there, it scared you half to death.

“Jeez Billy!! You scared me!” You yelled, clutching your chest.

“I’m sorry, baby.” He said.

Billy hated to disappoint you in any way and he knew you weren’t very happy with the way he reacted earlier. You weren’t angry with him but he didn’t have to react the way that he did, there was something bothering him but you couldn’t figure out what it was.

“Can I talk to you for a minute, y/n?” The look in his eyes was very remorseful.

He was constantly trying to be better at communicating to you how he felt and you never made excuses for him to yourself or to anyone else. You helped him as much as you could and listened whenever he wanted to talk.

Billy has told you more about his life than he’s told anyone else with the exception of probably Frank, no one else has ever shown Billy love, patience, or kindness. All he’s ever known was abandonment, the feeling of being unwanted, and anger. Things were a lot better now, definitely not perfect but better.

“Of course, handsome.” You gave him an inviting smile and rested the wine bottle on the counter.

As soon as you put the wine bottle down, he laced his fingers with yours and pulled you into his chest. The heat from his body warmed your torso and soon the warmth was everywhere.

“I’m sorry for the way I reacted earlier. I wanted to take everyone out for a nice dinner tomorrow, and now I can’t—it’s just—I“ Billy was visibly flustered again, only because he was having a hard time expressing his feelings. “I just wanted everyone to have a nice time this weekend.”

Keeping your arms wrapped around his waist, you pulled back slightly to look up at him. If “sorry” was a face, it would be Billy’s at that very moment. Your expression softened and you brushed his lips with your thumb.

“Billy, you were just in the same room as I was. Do you hear that laughter in there right now? Everyone IS having a nice time. This house is gorgeous, and so romantic. You invited our friends to share a weekend away with us, it’s amazing and I can’t thank you enough for doing this. We have plenty of food, wine, beer, anything we could ever want is here so it really is ok that we’re staying in tomorrow night.”

His stare dropped from your face to the floor and back up again, he nodded. His endless dark eyes looking at you with a love that will never be duplicated, you were THE ONE for Billy. No one else will ever have his heart.

***************************************************

When your eyes fluttered open the next morning, you remembered it was supposed to start snowing very early that morning so you jumped onto the bed to look out the window. Freshly fallen snow covered the property and the tree tops, there had to have been at least a foot out there already. It was coming down fast.

Billy didn’t sleep much so again, he wasn’t next to you when you woke up, so he must be in the kitchen. When you opened the bedroom door, you saw him sitting at the breakfast bar with his coffee next to him just staring off into the woods, watching the snow fall. He looked…relaxed.

“You know you can’t sneak up on me, my love.” Billy said turning his head slightly, you could see his million dollar smile. “I’ll get you some coffee.”

You rested your hand on his arm, stopping him from getting up. “No, no baby, I’ll get it. Just sit and relax.” You noticed no one else was up yet as you walked over to the coffee maker. “You see anything good out there besides the fresh snow?” You asked him, pouring your coffee into a mug.

“I saw a couple of cardinals at the bird feeder.” He said. “You don’t get to see this stuff living in the city, it’s beautiful.”

You stood in front of him so his eyes were level with yours and leaned in to kiss him, his lips had a slight hazelnut taste to them and his rich brown hair was all over the place. “Good morning, handsome. No one else is up yet, huh?” You said, sweeping the hair away from his eyes.

“They had a long day yesterday, baby. I’ll start breakfast.” He kissed you again and gave you a wink.

You heard one of the bedroom doors open downstairs and Chris’s voice came sailing up the stairs. “Ginger, I’m pretty sure you were arguing with Frank in your sleep last night!”

You and Billy looked at each other and just started to laugh.

***************************************************

After getting dressed, you walked out into the kitchen and found Frank, Billy and Chris hovering over a piece of paper, a pen in Billy’s hand, and a bunch of whispering going on.

“I don’t know if I like the looks of this…what are you three up to?” You asked, pointing at them suspiciously.

Before any of them could answer, Ginger finished climbing the stairs and said. “They’re being very secretive, aren’t they? I think we should be worried…what if they’re planning our demise? Or if they’re trying to figure out a way to cheat by finding a quicker route to the liquor store.”

Very confused, you looked at Ginger and asked “Ok, what are you talking about?”

Full of excitement, Ginger explained that the liquor store has to be open, one is always open during a snowstorm, and they did pass one on the way up yesterday. So she made a bet with Frank last night that she could get there on the snowmobile quicker than he could.

All you could do was shake your head and cover your eyes with your hand but you were dying to see it.

“Ok, first of all…I need to be a part of this race. Second, do I get to see what’s on this piece of paper?” You asked.

Maria walked up the stairs as Frank started to say “None of you get to know what’s on this piece of paper. This is the menu for tonight’s dinner.”

“I hope you boys know where the fire extinguishers are.” Maria said with a chuckle.

***************************************************

The race on the snowmobiles to the liquor store was very close, you rode with Ginger and Maria rode with Frank. And although it was close, Ginger did manage to squeak out the win and she was right, the liquor store was open. Frank bought some nice champagne for later although you’ve never seen Frank drink champagne ever…maybe it was Maria that wanted it.

Ginger was never going to let Frank live it down that she beat him in a race, she would definitely get a lot of mileage out of it and Frank looked completely defeated when Billy asked who won.

As the snow continued to come down, the rest of the afternoon was filled with laughter, more games, good conversations, a snowball fight, and playful banter. It seemed like everyone was having such a good time which made Billy happy and made you happy to see him that way.

After a game of chess between Frank and Billy, you walked over to the couch to sit on Billy’s lap. You pulled him close for a kiss, it was passionate and you nipped his lower lip with your teeth. The only reason you pulled away was because Ginger made you laugh.

“You guys aren’t gonna start making animal noises, are you?” She asked.

“Today was fun.” You whispered to him while raking your fingers through his hair.

He smiled at you, it was a nervous smile although Billy doesn’t usually get nervous. “Well, it’s not over yet baby.”

“What are you up to, Mr. Russo?” You asked him.

He kissed you one more time. “I just think you’re really going to enjoy dinner tonight.”

“I’m sure I will, handsome.” You said with a slight smile.

**************************************************

With Billy hard at work in the kitchen with Frank and Chris, you were getting ready for dinner with Ginger and Maria. You were sitting on the floor, close to the mirror, putting your makeup on.

“It’s so sweet of them to cook for all of us.” You said.

Maria laughed a little. “Well obviously Frank isn’t helping very much because it smells delicious out there and nothing is on fire.”

You laughed and nearly messed up your eyeliner.

As you continued to do your makeup, you thought about your entire relationship with Billy. Flashbacks of your birthday party popped into your head, when he told you he had feelings for you, the skull tie he wore just for you. The Harry Winston diamond earrings he gave you that night, or rather Frank gave you from him, laser tag with your friends, the getaways, and cozy nights at home.

It wasn’t all good times though, you and Billy had your fair share of arguments. He wasn’t perfect, but you weren’t either. He was learning how to be an actual boyfriend and you were helping him with that process while trying to be understanding at the same time. It wasn’t easy but you loved him and did your best to show him that every day.

You thought you saw Maria give Ginger another look of silent communication. What is going on?

“Are we ready?” You asked.

Ginger clapped her hands together and pumped her fists. “Let’s do this!” She said.

Whatever they were cooking did smell wonderful, as you got closer to the top of the stairs, the aroma got stronger. You could smell the fresh garlic, herbs, and spices and there was definitely bacon involved.

Frank greeted the three of you at the top of the stairs with glasses of wine and escorted you into the living area where the fire was going, there were hors d’oeuvres on the coffee table, and the lights were dimmed to a soft glow. You could see the snow falling at a rapid pace from the windows, as you peeked outside, the snow looked so beautiful and perfectly untouched.

Frank started to point to the appetizers on the table and in a confused tone, he called out into the kitchen. “Hey Chris, what are these things called again!!?”

“Those are artichoke phyllo cups and on the other plate are rosemary veal meatballs.” You heard him yell from the kitchen.

“Uh yeah, what he said. They’re good, I swiped a couple before you guys came upstairs. I’m starvin’ and Bill swatted my hand away when I tried to taste one.” Frank said.

The three of you started to laugh.

“You look very handsome tonight, baby.” Maria told Frank.

He blushed a little. “Thank you, sweetheart. You look amazing as always…you all do. Even you Ginger.”

Collectively, you all let out a big “AWWWWW!!!” And scared a flustered Frank back into the kitchen causing the three of you to laugh uncontrollably.

Back in the kitchen, they were putting the finishing touches on dinner when Frank said to Billy “You look nervous, Bill.”

Billy tried to brush it off. “I don’t get nervous, Frankie.”

“You do when it comes to y/n.” Frank said. “Remember how nervous you were to tell her that you liked her, or when you wanted to ask her to move in with you? You absolutely get nervous when it comes to her. You really, really love her, don’t you.”

“More than anything, but what if she says no, Frankie?” Billy asked.

At the same time, Chris and Frank said “She’s not going to say no.”

“She’s going to be surprised but she’s not going to say no.” Frank said. “She looks beautiful tonight, Bill.”

Billy smiled. “I can’t wait to see her.”

***************************************************

Dinner was delicious. There was a wedge salad to start, filet mignon wrapped in bacon (you knew there was bacon involved), scalloped potatoes, asparagus, along with plenty of red wine.

“I made those potatoes.” Frank said with confidence, pointing at the dish.

Maria smiled at her husband. “And you did a very good job with them, baby. If Frank knows how to make anything, it’s potatoes.”

Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. Ginger brought up the time you all played laser tag together. “…And they wouldn’t even let me wear my night vision goggles!”

Maria could not stop laughing. “I’m sorry I missed this!”

And through all the conversations and the laughter, Billy couldn’t take his eyes off of you, his hand resting on top of yours while the other grazed your knee. Your chair pulled as close as possible to his so he could touch you, breathe in the scent of your perfume, and kiss you whenever he wanted to.

All of you were enjoying your coffee and dessert in the living area by the fire, when Ginger said “Hey, ya know we never finished our Pictionary game last night—it was Billy and y/n’s turn.”

The large drawing pad was off to the side of the fireplace, it was Billy’s turn to draw and Maria handed him a folded blank sheet of paper, he already had a plan for what he was going to draw. Ready to guess, you sat on the edge of the couch and waited for him to start drawing.

Frank turned the timer over. “GO!!”

Billy started to draw. He first drew a circle, with what looked like a diamond on top, little lines above the diamond to make it look like it was shining.

You shouted out. “My Best Friend’s Wedding!! Father of the Bride!! My Big Fat Greek Wedding!”

He started to draw something else. “Billy, those are words. You can’t write out words. What are you doing?”

First word. Will

Staring at him confused, he wrote out the second word. You

You looked around at everyone, they were grinning from ear to ear.

Third word. Marry

Finally you realized what was going on.

Last word. Me?

With your knees shaking, you stood up from the couch as you watched Billy drop to one knee and produce a box from his jacket pocket. Was this really happening? He had opened the box but you couldn’t take your eyes off of his.

“Will you marry me, y/n?” He asked.

Tears had flooded your eyes and there weren’t any words or sounds coming from your mouth. You couldn’t speak, only a gasp when you finally looked at the ring, it was a cushion cut diamond surrounded by smaller stones and diamonds around the entire band. It was the most beautiful ring you’ve ever seen.

Taking your hand away from your mouth, you were finally able to answer him. “YES! Yes Billy, I will marry you!”

He slid the ring on your finger, stood up and pulled you in for a kiss. “I love you…so much.”

“I love you too, baby.” You said with a hitch in your voice.

He looked at you like you were the only other person in the room. “Do you like it?”

Looking closely at your ring, you were practically speechless. “Billy—I—I love it! It’s beautiful! Oh my god, it’s huge!”

“That’s what she said!” Ginger shouted.

Frank rolled his eyes and tried to contain his laughter. “Real mature, Ginger. You ruined the moment.”

“I didn’t ruin anything, Frank. Look at them. Look how happy they are!” Ginger said pointing at you and wiping a tear away from her cheek. “I got the best picture too!”

Amidst all of the commotion from everyone, Billy leaned down to kiss you again and you tuned out everyone else for a minute to ask him “Are you really ready for me to be Mrs. Russo?”

He just looked at you with his beautiful brown eyes, smiled and said “I’ve never been more ready for anything, sweet girl.”

A light bulb went off in your head and you inhaled sharply. “THAT’S why you were so mad about the snow! You wanted to do this at the restaurant.”

Billy simply nodded and shrugged his shoulders.

“Honestly, Billy…” You stopped and pointed to everyone around the room. “I like this much better, just us and our friends, no strangers.” You said softly as you cupped his cheek and pulled him towards you for another gentle kiss.

You looked around at everyone, they were talking and laughing with each other. You had your best friend here and Billy had his, and this was the perfect way to spend a snowed-in weekend.

It was with the people you loved, people that made you smile, that made you laugh—that made him laugh. It always made you happy when Billy laughed because he deserved to.

He held you close against his chest, kissed your forehead and as you closed your eyes to enjoy the moment, you heard Ginger say “You know what this means, right Frank?”

With a furrowed brow and a confused look on his face, Frank said “What does it mean, Ginger?”

Rubbing her hands together, she said with a wicked smile. “We get to walk down the aisle together at their wedding! Isn’t that exciting?!! I was thinking maybe we could do some sort of choreographed dance. I have plenty of ideas, we’ll figure it out.”

All eyes were on Frank pinching the bridge of his nose and his eyes were shut, Maria was trying not to laugh while the rest of you waited for his response.

Frank just pointed at Billy and said “Well…it better be open bar.”

Tag List: @saintmurd0ck @wheresthesunshinesblog @rafaelakelley @idaoftheburningmind @snowkestrel @xdervyxccgh @mattmurdocksscars @fakehappy27 @music-indie-tv @fictional-hooman @kayhi808 @gijos

TFC Ladies: @mindidjarin @munsonownsmyass @skvatnavle @phoebe-danvers @itwasthereaminuteago @pedrito-friskito (I hope it’s ok I tagged everyone)

If you’d like to be added to (or removed from) my tag list for the ever so handsome Billy Russo, just let me know and thank you again for reading! 💕

[typewriter83]

But then she smiled, and her gorgeous green eyes seemed to shine, and his heart of stone started to crack. He felt the warmth flood his cheeks and his throat felt dry. He knew he was a fool if he thought this could work.

Kshdksjkd giiiiirl? Okay let's get started

So yeah, Ellie being the orphan kid no one wants is typical in every universe so I wasn't really surprise when miss girl's first scene as a child was sitting woth an officer lol poor baby. That foster mother was a real bitch, second villian in this story just behind her husband (that btw was david? He wasn't mentioned but I just figured). It really pisses me off in every fic that Marlene has the same personality she has as canon: ellie lives a miserable life and marlene still acts like the girl is just being ungrateful or something. Yikes. So ellie got to live with marlene in this one, that's a miracle.

I'm very curious about what ellie's blood disease is, is it life risking even on earth? I really hope not, because she it already crushed her dream :( and wait, so Nasa kind of knew about it but let it go as a form to keep exploring her image? Wow, that... Sucks. But doesn't surprise me actually.

Oh man, I remember reading some anon here said something about brother-in-law Tommy and I feel like that really is gonna be something in this story lol. He just met ellie aka cute girl from the bar once (twice now) and he's already more invested in this relationship than Joel😂and by the way he was asking what did joel do, it won't take long for tommy to take only the "brother" role from "brother-in-law". And hell, that was mighty akward lmao, I had to pause every sentence because it made me cringe (in a good way), but it was also funny so I couldn't stop giggling.

Well, I forgive Joel. I feel like he really realized how much he fucked up by ghosting her when he saw how it made her feel used. He's so bad at feelings, Geez, maybe that's why they never gave him a pixel girfriend in the games🤭

Anyways, I'm excited to see how this is all gonna turn out (specially to see how bad they can pretend they can be just friends lol).

- Merida Cub

Hello Merida Cub! I’m so glad you’re following along - I hope you continue to after the next chapter - we’ve got a new trope coming and it can make readers land on one side or the other. Ominous, I know 😏

So yes, Ellie’s foster parents when she was 13 was David and his wife - and I will circle back to this later, just like I will circle back to what happened to Sarah in Joel’s backstory. I wanted to lay the groundwork, but leave enough out so the reader finds out the whole story when Joel and Ellie finally bond over their trauma.

Marlene is not the villain in this story - she just didn’t give enough of her time and resources to Ellie when she needed it the most. Marlene gives Ellie what she needed when she was a teenager - a roof over her head and steady schooling so Ellie could thrive - which of course, Ellie still did on her own. Marlene will show up again later.

I tried to play Ellie’s disease off her canon condition - a type of blood disease. And of course, I’m not a doctor or scientist, so I’m playing fast and loose and taking dramatic license for this. Something that’s not life threatening, but could derail her career, but also will have future implications. Ominous, I know 😏

100% Tommy is more invested in the relationship than Joel is! He is good little brother and fully committed to the idea of being Ellie’s big brother, a role he’s never had, but would wholeheartedly embrace. Plus, he knows his brother has been in a dark place for a long time, and Ellie is clearly a bright light that Joel needs. Maria is Maria, that’s all I’m gonna say, lol.

Joel is so bad with his feelings - he doesn’t want to hurt this girl like he’s hurt others. I’ve alluded to Tess and Tommy forcing themselves to stay in Joel’s life after losing Sarah. Now Ellie is there and what’s she gonna do? Annoy the hell out of him - curious about his job, coming to his classroom because - let’s face it - she likes him, and she doesn’t want to just be his friend. And Joel is all “I you work on the other side of the building, what do you want?” 🤭🤭 You, she wants you, you fool

🫶🏻

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

Okay, how about not everyone has a Beauford twin? What about just the Cullens (one at a time)? Twincest? Changes?

(Also, I know it's the Volturi, so sorry for forgetting that last time)

The time Bella had an identical twin who was exactly the same except he's a dude.

Much more doable, anon, thank you.

That said, I think this is a write the fic question as I don't think you're going to like my answers. For the Cullens, you see, it doesn't matter.

Alice

Alice's backstory as a human is notable as she was sent to an insane asylum dude to shouting that her father was going to murder her based off visions she was having.

Now, per the ask, her brother Arthur has the same gift and is also as in the know as Alice, but in his case this either a) gets him sent to a different asylum than Alice per his gender or b) gets him murdered by their father and not sent to an asylum as the "hystical woman" card is less easily played when it's a man.

In either case, Arthur is in a different asylum that does not have a vampire employee. He dies human as Alice, when she is turned, does not remember his existence.

Decades later upon checking her history, Alice learns that Mary Alice Brandon had a twin brother who either a) was sent to a different asylum or b) died.

Carlisle

Carlisle grows up in the very weird household where despite having the same exact personality and looking identical, their father clearly favors his sister.

Carine Cullen is exactly what Father Cullen wants from a daughter and isn't involved in any of the parish leadership/telling people what to do.

Carlisle, however, is and this leads to the issues alluded to in canon.

When Carlisle is turned his sister is not in the mob that is likely predominately/entirely composed of men. As a result, when Carlisle turns, he is nowhere near her and only likely looks in from afar when he has things enough under control.

Carlisle's sister dies human, bereft of her father and her brother, and Carlisle has to live with having left her familyless as he became an immortal bloodsucking demon accidentally.

He probably doesn't get over it.

Edward

Elizabeth Masen gives her dying words, "Save my son by any means necessary."

Carlisle blinks, "Elizabeth, you have a daughter, don't you?"

I joke but even if Elizabeth insisted on saving both (or her daughter instead), Carlisle has never turned anyone before, and he's very leery of doing it the first time despite being so lonely.

He would not be able to control two newborns on his own.

He can only turn one.

However, how can he justify to the survivor that he let their sibling die, this isn't the same as the person's parents already having died. Carlisle would be saying "I chose you to live"

I imagine Carlisle chooses not to turn either because of this.

Twilight doesn't happen because there's no Edward or Edith.

Emmett

Emmett thinks his sister's the shit. They have a great time together, she's almost as strong as he is! However, only one of them is likely to be mauled by bears and only one of them gets hauled down the mountain.

Upon turning Emmett/Emily will insist on turning the other, but everyone will draw a hard line at that because a) two newborns at a time b) this is a terrible existence to force on your sibling who has their entire life ahead of them.

"Well, shit" Emmett/Emily says, but at least they get a hot boyfriend/girlfriend out of this.

Esme

Esme's never turned.

Esme may, in fact, never get married depending how this goes.

I imagine she'd seek refuge with her brother, Earnest, who is as kind and earnest as his name allows. Either she chooses not to marry at all and goes to live with him doing what she can so as not to marry Charles or when she leaves Charles escapes to him.

Her son could very well survive with this support, if he doesn't, she may survive with her brother's support in her time of grief.

If not, she's in the wrong morgue.

Jasper

Jasper's sister does not get to sign up for the war and as a result is not eaten by Maria. Given Jasper didn't go back for any of his family, I doubt he goes back for his twin sister.

They never see each other again.

Renesmee

See this post

Rosalie

Now this one's interesting.

Rosalie was raised to social climb as she was her family's only daughter and only shot at a higher social tier with her beauty and her wit. Now the family has an equally intelligent, charming, and attractive son.

I imagine Rosalie's still pushed into her role and that she still initially has her eye on Royce but I imagine Royal may be more aware of Royce's reputation (even without the gang rape, it was clear he was a womanizer) and may stop the marriage.

Rosalie probably hates him for it, feeling useless and powerless as this is the only thing she can do, and hating his interfering as well as his pity but it may very well mean that she survives that night and is never turned.

If she is turned, then she doesn't inflict this on her brother who she has a very mixed relationship with.

[bestworstcase]

& since i’m on the subject of allusions tonight:

let’s talk about rwby’s actual oz allusions

so, generally speaking, the fandom—understandably perplexed by how tangential or even superficial rwby’s reference to the wizard of oz appears to be—takes the oz allusions in one of two ways: either, 1. the core ozian characters are deconstructions of the correlating oz character [the scarecrow drinks, the tin man throws his heart away, etc.] or 2. the oz allusions are a deliberate red herring intended to misdirect attention from the deeper or truer allusion to whatever, whence the g.u.n. theory or the bastardized norse myth madlibbing and so forth; or on occasion both at once.

the first camp has a lot of interesting things to say that i would probably find persuasive were it not for the fact that they also keep wrestling unsatisfyingly with the persistent questions of:

1. who is dorothy?

2. what about raven and summer and tai? (oh my)

3. how do the ozma/wizard/tip and ozma/ozpin/oscar trifectas fit together?

and the answers to all of these questions are in fact pretty straightforward...

...the trick is just that rwby isn’t alluding to the wizard of oz.

for the uninitiated there are a lot of oz books. there are-- there are so many oz books. fortunately for my sanity however rwby appears to be focusing primarily on one, the marvelous land of oz, which occurs not too very long after the wizard’s departure from oz at the end of the wonderful wizard of oz.

now, i will say up front that you are going to look at this list and immediately go “wait. what?” but just... trust me, ok? here we go.

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? god of light → mombi* ozma → ozma/tippetarius ozpin → the wizard oscar → jack pumpkinhead glynda → good witch of the ✨north✨ [NOT GLINDA] theodore  → dorothy gale lionheart → the soldier with the green whiskers ironwood → nick chopper [the tin woodman] qrow  → the scarecrow raven  → the woggle-bug taiyang → the cowardly lion [provisionally**] maria → the sawhorse summer rose → general jinjur and, last but not least, salem → glinda the good [TRUST. ME.]

*the god of darkness is sir not appearing in this book, but if rwby does what i think it will re: theodore, i’d place my bets on the nome king.

**taiyang is an unknown quantity in that i don’t think his primary role in the narrative has revealed itself yet; he might alternatively turn out to be the gump or the queen of the field mice. my money is on the lion, though, because the lion is also sir not appearing in this book but, like dorothy, appears in the next as a member of ozma’s retinue.

MARVELOUS LAND OF OZ ANY% NO GLITCH—

long story short, in the before times the land of oz was ruled by a king named pastoria who took up with the fairy-queen lurline and had a baby, ozma, rightful heir to the ozian throne; shortly thereafter, oscar diggs crash landed in oz, deposed pastoria, disappeared the infant princess by giving her to mombi, sorceress of the north, and became ✨the wizard✨. ...some... amount of time later, dorothy crash lands in oz, yellow brick road, silver slippers, smashes one witch and melts another, yada yada, the wizard sails off back to omaha in his hot air balloon, CUE MARVELOUS LAND; the starting positions are thus:

the scarecrow sits on the throne of oz in the emerald city, having been appointed to rule in the wizard’s stead on account of being Very Wise.

winkie country, liberated from the tyranny of the wicked witch of the west, is now the domain of the tin woodman.

dorothy is back in kansas where everything is grey and sandy and horrible.

the lion is...somewhere, presumably doing king-of-the-forest things.

glinda the good is occupied with research [trying to find out what the wizard did with ozma] in her home in quadling country, to the south.

QUOTE, the winged monkeys are now the slaves of glinda the good, who owns the golden cap that commands their services, END QUOTE.

mombi transformed the infant ozma into a boy named tippetarius because, why not, and raised him as her ward on a farm in gillikin country, to the north.

tip is a teenager and he does teenager things like making a life-sized puppet with a jack-o-lantern head to scare mombi with, as one does, and mombi has about had enough of this so she brews up a potion to turn him into a marble statue, as one does, and tip who does not especially want to be turned into a marble statue instead steals a pepper-box full of magic powder that makes things come to life, and runs away with his newly animate bestie/son jack pumpkinhead, AS ONE DOES. subsequently uses the magic powder to make a wooden sawhorse come to life so they don’t have to hoof it all the way to the emerald city.

the sawhorse is born with a limp and the personality of an octogenarian with no fucks left to give and also he periodically goes deaf on account of his ears breaking off, so when i say maria calavera is the sawhorse—

ANYWAY, minor hijinks ensue. jack blithely accepts everything his dear father says without question because his head is a pumpkin and he has been sapient for approximately eight hours, the terrible trio splits up for a bit on account of tippetarius falling off the sawhorse who likes to go real fast, consequently while jack and the sawhorse make it to the emerald city and meet the scarecrow, tip falls behind and crosses paths with general jinjur and her army of revolt.

jinjur is sick of the way things are and the powers that be and is therefore en route, armed with a pair of very glittery very pointy knitting needles and a lot of other girls outfitted in the same, to conquer the emerald city. tip is not about this revolution thing but tags along because he wanted to appeal to the scarecrow for help with the marble statue nonsense anyway; upon arrival jinjur and her army conquer the emerald city in approximately 0.2 seconds on account of the entire royal army being composed of one (1) man, the soldier with the green whiskers who guards the gates but squeals and books it at the first hint of a brandished needle.

tip races to the palace well ahead of the girls, who are busily sacking the city, to warn the scarecrow of the situation and reconvene with the rest of terrible trio, whereafter they and the scarecrow leave the cowardly soldier to his fate and gallop like the dickens to escape the city, heading west to regroup with the tin woodman. jack is now wracked by existential dread on account of the scarecrow having told him that pumpkins rot, meaning he spends the rest of the book worrying about his imminent decay and rapidly dwindling lifespan, this is fine dot jpg.

one unfortunate incident with a river and some drying-out and a nap later, they reach winkie country and rendezvous with *ahem* the magnificent! nickel-plated tin woodman, celebrated! emperor [it wounds his pride to be called only a king] of the winkies, nick chopper. who sweeps the scarecrow up in a hug because of how delighted! he is to see him again, tells jack not to be such a downer about the my-head-is-slowly-inevitably-rotting thing, and whose immediate response upon learning that the emerald city has been conquered is to declare, quote, we do not need an army; we four, with the aid of my gleaming axe, are enough to strike terror into the hearts of the rebels, end quote, also everybody gets tidied up and repaired and the scarecrow’s strutting by the time they disembark again.

somewhat less minor hijinks ensue on account of mombi not being pleased about tip skipping town and attempting to waylay them by means of dazzling, blinding illusions and, when that fails, dramatically altering landscape in hopes of getting them lost. the sawhorse breaks his leg and the group encounters the woggle-bug, who is very large and very keen to impress upon them that he is, having snuck into a schoolroom long ago and listened in on classes for months, thoroughly educated; eventually he was caught by the professor, transformed via magnifying glass into his present size, and subsequently ran away to do woggle-bug things. on his suggestion they fix the sawhorse’s leg by amputating jack’s, because jack is riding anyway owing to his poorly-fitted knees, and using that as a prosthetic for the sawhorse [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]. from there the woggle-bug swiftly proceeds to earn the whole group’s ire by making an offensive number of puns at their expense. they navigate through four more illusory obstacles [a raging river; a granite cliff; a writhing maze of dancing roads; a wall of fire] with the aid of the queen of the field mice.

on making it to the emerald city they are promptly captured by jinjur, who plans to dismantle everyone except tippetarius on the grounds of their not being human, but is interrupted by the timely arrival of some mice who frighten her out of the room long enough for the gang to escape by constructing a... thing, called the gump, out of a pair of sofas and a stuffed elk-like creature’s head and various other bits and bobs and animated with the final pinch of magic powder. it flies them out of the emerald city and overshoots quadling country by a wide enough margin to crash them into a nest of nasty jackdaws somewhere not in oz, a misadventure which mainly serves to facilitate the discovery of a secret compartment within the now-emptied pepper-box and, inside that, three silver pills that grant a wish when swallowed.

tip tries one to wish the gump repaired, which doesn’t work because it pains him so badly that he instead wishes he’d never taken it; the woggle-bug does the same and succeeds, they fly back home, the pills are lost, and they reach quadling country at last.

the squad attempts to fill glinda in. she already knows everything.

she fills them in on what she’s been up to, presents evidence mombi aided the wizard in his scheme to disappear ozma, and marches with them to reclaim the emerald city, intending to capture mombi and force her to reveal the truth. further illusion-based hijinks ensue of which the most potentially interesting as it pertains to rwby is that mombi transforms herself into a red rose in an effort to escape detection.

glinda sees through the ruse. mombi transforms herself into a griffin and flees, pursued relentlessly by glinda until she collapses from exhaustion in the desert waste beyond the border of oz—whereupon glinda lassos her with a golden thread that stifles her magic, drags her bodily back to the emerald city, and demands that she tell the truth or else die by glinda’s hand. mombi tries to lie, glinda is furious and having none of it, and mombi begrudgingly reveals tip’s true identity, whereupon glinda forces her to undo the curse and then strips her of her magical power forever; tip is restored to her true self, jinjur is swiftly deposed, and peace restored, hooray!, the end.

QUESTIONS!

WHY ARE YOU SO SURE SUMMER IS JINJUR? frankly a decent case could be made for interpreting cinder as the allusion to jinjur instead: jinjur is a wrathful but cunning scullery maid raging against the powers that be, and after all it is cinder who sacks beacon academy—i.e., the emerald city stand-in.

but here’s the thing: after routing the royal army, jinjur installs herself as the queen of oz and rules without interruption for most of the story. she is not ousted from this position until the final chapter. cinder is grievously injured before the battle is even properly ended, returns immediately to salem’s side, and has been a thorn in her side and also the sides of the heroes ever since—meanwhile, all this time, salem has had an unknown lieutenant stationed at beacon, searching for the crown. somebody has been holding that throne, as it were, and we have a certain silver-eyed warrior still unaccounted for.

further, jinjur’s army of revolt makes quite a conspicuous show of being united from every province, and she herself wears the colors of all four; in the event summer turns out to be working for salem of her own accord, which i think likely, her presumable reason is something along the lines of having burnt out and shattered under the pressure of being the ideal huntress, the lone guardian, the blessed warrior—precisely in the same way that we have seen ruby begin to crack under the same—and this, i think, dovetails tidily with the imagery of jinjur’s revolt. a turncoat summer rose who still holds to ozpin’s ideal of strength and peace through unity, who is perhaps reinforcing salem’s numbers at beacon by recruiting the people of vale, is what ozpin asked her to become, turned against him for how she suffered in becoming.

also, look at this flower. common name, malay rose:

it’s not a true rose; it’s etlingera venusta, and it belongs to the ginger family.

sidebar, i don’t think cinder has an ozian allusion except insofar as i suppose she performs the functional role of glinda’s army through her relation to salem. she’s, well, cinderella, and in being cinderella also a symbolic repetition of salem through her rapunzel aspect—cinder echoes the desperately furious girl in the tower, the fairytale heroine trapped by forces beyond her control, not the formidable sorceress who would lay waste to the gods.

BUT SALEM AS GLINDA, THOUGH? REALLY?

while it is clear that rwby’s primary reference is to marvelous land, there are a handful of overt nods to the film adaptation of wizard of oz specifically, in theodore’s ruby gloves and the black-and-white photo of the girl in gingham with the little black dog. naming the good witch of the north glynda as a nod to the film (and pop culture generally) conflating the two is hardly out of the question, and a tidy bit of narrative sleight-of-hand besides.

and, listen. it’s not just enslaving the flying monkeys and it isn’t just serenely running mombi into the ground and forcing her to reveal the truth and undo the harm she did to ozma; it’s also not just that glinda the good plays a critical narrative role following the wizard’s departure and the good witch of the north does not. it’s also that of the pair glinda is the more powerful and more formidable by an order of magnitude, and indeed glinda is said to be ageless, ancient, and perhaps the most powerful sorceress in the land of oz; it’s also that the ozian color-coding checks out in both directions (in glinda’s quadling country, everything is red; and gillikin country is purple); it’s also that glynda goodwitch was faultlessly loyal to a secretive cabal and believed in ozpin, as the good witch of the north believed in the wizard, whereas salem, like glinda the good, knows ozpin for a fraud, despises emerald for her deceptive semblance, and has a keen intuition and a short temper for being lied to.

the only respect in which salem and glinda do not, within the context of rwby’s ozian narrative, almost perfectly align is that salem is an antagonist and glinda is not—but here let me remind you that rwby’s mombi is the god of light, with her deceptive shape-changing and illusions reimagined as defter subterfuge and symbolically intertwined with the blinding of rapunzel’s prince. the god of light poisoned ozma’s ear against salem so well that he persuaded ozma to drink the potion and become the wizard of his own volition, cursed and blind to the true nature of the gods, his mandate, and his lost love.

but tippetarius learns the truth and finds ozma again; rapunzel’s tears heal the ruined eyes of her prince.

where do you think rwby is going with this?

AND LEO LIONHEART, THE LION FAUNUS, ISN’T THE COWARDLY LION?!

he’s the easily-cowed and fully-bearded guardian of the closest thing rwby’s scarecrow has to an emerald city to administer on the wizard’s behalf, and he is in this capacity an army of one because he’s sent every other warrior in the faculty away and sold half the huntsmen in mistral out to salem. salem sends her needling bastard of a henchperson to menace him and lionheart folds like wet cardboard, handing over the keys to the vault without a whisper of resistance. and once the battle for haven is ended, the former allies he stabbed in the back shrug and leave him to his fate at salem’s hands.

leonine faunus or not, the role lionheart plays is precisely that of the soldier with the green whiskers, the solitary and pathetically inept guardian who betrays the scarecrow and his allies out of panicked cowardice.

meanwhile the cowardly lion does not appear in marvelous land at all, but he does figure in ozma of oz—the third book—wherein he professes himself a coward still but acts no less bravely than he ever did, now a loyal member of ozma’s retinue and accompanied by his new friend, the hungry tiger. taiyang, who has either been doing big important secret cult things or else trying to psych himself up to leave his empty nest depression cabin ever since beacon fell and ozpin died, is a much likelier candidate for being the cowardly lion’s true analogue by far.

IS RAVEN JUST THE WOGGLE-BUG BECAUSE SHE’S KNOWLEDGE?

that’s part of it but not the entirety; note that the woggle-bug is not merely intelligent but gleaned all of his knowledge by spying, for no other reason than burning curiosity; note the professor who caught him and irrevocably changed him, for better or for worse, and his hasty escape for fear of being exploited thereafter; note that he is pompous and anxious and performs intelligence far more than he shows it, and note that his often-callous and sometimes-snide commentary is met with such sharp hostility by the others that at one point nick chopper implies a threat to murder him if he makes another pun at a companion’s expense.

and note, finally, that the woggle-bug does not properly enter the narrative until after the protagonists leave winkie country, the province for which atlas is very obviously an analogue. raven played a major role in volume five, of course, one which thoroughly alienated her from the rest of the ozian characters on both sides of the conflict... but then she vanished into the ether without a shred of resolution for anything but the question of whether the relic of knowledge would be retrieved and by whom, and if that isn’t a mere prelude in her character arc i’ll eat somebody’s hat.

and as for what her future role in the story might entail. well. three silver pills that grant you wishes—and one that poisons tip when he tries,  the same one the woggle-bug uses to mend their way home. three silver-eyed warriors ostensibly blessed by the god of light—and one a turncoat poisoned by the unbearable weight of ozpin’s ideals.

we still don’t know what raven knows, or who she learnt it from.

IF THE SILVER WISH PILLS ARE SILVER-EYED WARRIORS THEN, MARIA?

to activate the pills you need to swallow them and then count up to seventeen by two. the sawhorse is the one who solves the riddle, which is to start with half one, double it, and then count up by two from one to seventeen.

...WHAT WAS THAT YOU SAID ABOUT FOUR ILLUSIONS AND A MOUSE?

the ever after may be bleeding wonderland out of every frame—and oh boy is it!—but, look, what is rwby if not a gleeful mishmash of inspirations and in the trailer and preview clip alone we’ve got a helpful mouse and three of the four [twisting, impossible paths? check. impassible cliff? check. walls of fire? check, twice over]. as obstacles go a torrential river crossing is not exactly out of left field in any setting—and then there’s the girl on the beach who’s wearing ozma’s original colors.

to say nothing of how well those four obstacles align so very nicely, symbolically, with ruby (paths), weiss (flood), blake (cliff), and yang (fire).

it’s a little eyebrow-raising if nothing else. something to watch.

[whumping-in-the-dark]

Chapter 4: Visitor Pt 1

Just two friends hanging out after a long time ^_^

Speaking of friends, a big thank u to my irl friend for reading through this :D who doesn't have tumblr yet hence no tagging :/ so if there are any grammar mistakes left it's on her 6u6

Ingredients: creepy/intimate whumpers, alluded future noncon [Honestly... more plot than pain. Mostly the introduction of a new character. I felt like wanting to keep the major torture stuff separate. So the hopefully good whump in the next part promsies]

Matt groaned as he shifted once more, trying to find a decent position in which to relax. He thought it'd be easy at first, but the man had tied his wrists actually closer to his knees than his ankles, forcing him to strain his shoulders. Not to mention, his ankles kept twisting the wrong way, and no matter how hard he tried he simply couldn't get himself to lie on his side. Each effort ended up in him nearly slipping off the couch, but flipping back onto his back at the last moment.

The doorbell rang and Matt froze. Who could it be right now? His mind wandered to any possible parcels he could have ordered. Oh right... That stuff he ordered for a friend. It was supposed to arrive the next day from what he could remember but it wasn't too unusual for it to be a bit early.

The semblance of a smile crossed his face-- as best as it could with his mouth stuffed full anyway. The delivery guy recognised him from all the things he'd ordered when he had first arrived here. He knew Matt lived alone.

If only Matt could reach the door before the man.

____

Daniel hummed to himself as he stepped out of the shower. The kid had a surprisingly decent house-- pretty new too by the looks of it. Didn't show signs of anyone else living there either. What a good catch. Pretty body pretty house.

Going through the closet attached to the master bedroom, he managed to find a red plaid shirt and a pair of black jeans that fit him decently. He'd have to get his stuff from the base pretty soon though, if he really decided to make this one permanent.

As he checked himself out in the mirror, he drummed his fingers on the wooden dresser. The whole house had a woody theme, not dark enough to match his personal preferences... but he still liked it.

His eyes fell to the canopy bed, snow-white bedsheets spread out on it... how would his little rabbit look all spread out on it for him, crimson dripping down-

The enthusiastic call of the doorbell dragged him back to his surroundings. Maybe his rabbit didn't live alone after all. Oh well. More toys to play with.

His gun tucked safely behind his shirt, he calmly walked down to the front door. The doorbell rang once more and his hand involuntarily went to the gun. "Protect me, Maria." He muttered under his breath.

Then, with a deep breath, he opened the door. An instant later, they were both pointing guns at each other's heads.

____

Matt watched wide-eyed from behind the stairs, lucky to have rolled his barely functioning body in there just in time to escape the man's notice.

"Ralph, what the fuck?" The man-- in his fucking clothes now-- complained, a strange friendliness behind his tone.

The olive skinned man-- Ralph-- shrugged, beaming. "Finally found you now, huh Danny? You really thought you could stay hidden from me? Me, of all people?"

Matt's brain struggled to jog up with the new information. The two were what... friends? Fuck. He was soo fucked.

The two laughed together casually, as if one of them hadn't nearly fucking raped someone a while ago. Matt doubted the other guy was even half as decent as-- who, Danny? Daniel? Did it fucking matter?

"Come on in now, Ralph." In a flash, both guns were back in their places. "Welcome to my new base."

The man-- Ralph? Did he have a full name-- whistled as he entered, closing the door behind himself. "Not bad. Definitely better than the last one. Who are you sharing it with this time around?"

What did he mean this time around? Had the bastard done it before too? How many times?

"A dark-haired one this time around. Still light-eyed though-- I haven't lost my taste for that just yet." The two began walking to the living room, towards him. "It was his wide terrified eyes that drew me in in the first place. Ah! I'm sure you'll find him pretty too."

"Oh yeah? Fucked him yet?"

Matt shuddered.

"Mhm, not really. I'm planning to experiment a bit with this one. If I had to guess, I doubt my rabbit has ever been with anyone. Should make it more fun, huh?"

Was that an insult? But Matt didn't have time to care. As the pair drew nearer and nearer, he pressed himself to the wall, silently begging the shadows to swallow him up. At the last moment, he squeezed his eyes shut, not willing to even gauge his situation.

"Oh hey! Here he is, huh." Ralph's animated voice reached his ears.

Matt whimpered as a rough hand grabbed his chin, tilting his head up. "Open your eyes, boy." Danny- Daniel's gravelly voice sent shivers down his spine.

Reluctantly, Matthew obliged. His gaze fell on Daniel's-- surprisingly soft-- gray eyes. "See, isn't he so pretty?" A smile danced on the edge of his lips.

Matthew sucked in a shaky breath as the fingers loosened to caress his cheek.

Ralph bent down, hands on his knees and a tilted head, to give his judgement. "Hmm... yeah... I think I like this one more than the last. Definitely more my type." He finished off with a grin, grabbing his hair to steal him away.

"He's still mine, you know." Daniel grumbled.

"Mhm." Abruptly, he let go. Matt winced as he fell flat to the floor, unable to support himself with his compromised limbs. "So, what do you plan on doing first? Fuck him in the bed or--"

"Nonono." Daniel voiced Matt's thoughts, albeit much more playfully. "I told you, I plan on experimenting on him. So let's start with something less sexual."

"Would he still be naked?"

"Well, wouldn't it be a waste of such a pretty body otherwise."

Matt shifted closer to the wall, chest heaving with violent inhales. How the fuck could they just talk about him like he was not even listening.... like he was-- what? A doll?? Tears welled up in his eyes as the two men turned to him, desire so plainly written across their faces. He shook his head as Daniel's hand hovered above him, desperately trying to plead with his eyes.

"Oof! Just look at those eyes." Ralph exhaled. "You might just get me addicted to light eyed boys too."

Daniel chuckled. "I know I know. The tears just look better in them."

"You should leash him, you know. Bet he'd look cute being dragged across the floor like this. It's about time you take his clothes off too. You're spoiling him way too much."

Retracting his hand, Daniel sighed. "Mm yea. Good point. I would have gone easy on him since it's his first day and all but... I don't wanna instill any bad habits either." Standing back up, Daniel ran a hand through his hair. "I'll get some stuff from the garage. Look after him, yeah?"

"Mhm. Don't worry about it."

Matthew watched wide-eyed as Daniel disappeared through the door, almost wishing for him to turn back. The other man seemed like an even crueler bastard.

"So..." Ralph crouched down. "What do you say we get you ready for him, hm?"

Matthew whimpered, shaking his head once more.

"So adorable." The man smiled, leaning forward to tap his nose. "You're right. I'm sure he'd like to watch."

A few minutes passed before Daniel returned, carrying a black duffel bag-- his black duffel bag. His expressions looked more focused now and Matthew feared the worst. Had he changed his mind and was planning to rape him after all? Ditch whatever he called his experiment? Oh fuck no.

"I'm surprised you didn't fuck him yet." Daniel handed Ralph the bag, before taking out a coil of rope from his pocket. Matt squeezed his eyes shut again.

"Alright, don't shy away now, my little rabbit." Daniel's voice came closer.

Matthew swallowed as he felt the rope being wound around his neck, the rough fibers tickling his soft skin. As Daniel worked on the knot, Matthew suppressed his tears. Suddenly, the pressure tightened, nearly choking him as his head was lifted above the ground. Eyes flying open instinctively, he saw Daniel tugging up the rope, a smirk on his face.

"Didn't I tell you not to shy away just now?" Daniel watched as Matt struggled to balance his weight on his knees. "Keep. Your. Fucking. Eyes. Open. Hm?"

Matt narrowed his eyes, giving him his nastiest glare. This fucking--

Daniel's smirk grew. "Let's see how much of that glare is left by the time we're done with you, yeah?"

[sunilification]

Michael Corleone as Ubermensch?

Another one overdue, settling all old scores--

An entire century was a single seed of thought for Nietzsche. Sigmund Freud , Karl Jaspers, Martin Heidegger, Oswald Spengler, Thomas Mann, Hermann Hesse, Rainer Maria Rilke, André Gide, Jean Paul Sartre, Albert Camus, George Bernhard Shaw, WB Yeats, one cursory glance through the streets of 20th century intellect and the influence of Nietzsche is undeniable. Some men indeed are born posthumously.

With all due respect for his gifted ability for original and innate insights, it would be unjust to credit Nietzsche alone for such remarkably widespread influence. For, he had the privilege and the premise to take his aim standing on the shoulders of giants: From Plato to Dostoevsky, he had systematically drawn from and dissected all schools and thoughts before him. What he came up with the confluence of such a comprehension was an abstract and fragmented ideology that would go on to define the direction of the 20th century starting from Freud in the early part to the deconstructive post-modern movement during its later quarter.

Anyone who is acquainted with the works of Nietzsche would know that there is no single defining principle in his thought unlike most of the schools that preceded him. In Nietzsche, one encounters abstract planks which are hard to be understood and thereby are only open to interpretations. Yet they are recognised as a salient signposts in the journey of human thought. One such major plank is that of Ubermensch.

Nietzsche alludes to the Ubermensch in the opening segment of Thus spake zarathustra and only vaguely without much elaboration . This unfortunately has lead to the often misconceived notion that Ubermensch is an ideal man superior to any other average human. A mistake even balanced thinkers like Santayana couldn’t escape. I think an easier, although agreeably a tedious attempt to understand Nietzsche’s Ubermensch is to follow his thought process through his complete works beginning from The birth of Tragedy to Ecce Homo as one single entity. But alas! Even then, just like life, all one gets is to make only an interpretation. I have, since being introduced to Ubermensch tried to peel layer after abstract layer to understand this concept at different times and from different perspectives. I saw that such efforts led me to form a core of a concept often wrapped by other changing satellite-ideas. Naturally the next step was to find the match for the concept amongst famous people known. I found weirder and obscure matches but a popular and a compelling one would come from a fiction. And the more I ponder I about him(character) and his life the more I’m convinced he has come to be the valueless nihilistic icon that Nietzsche had written nearly hundred years back. He is Michael Corleone , conceived by Mario Puzo but imprinted in our memories by the genius of Coppola in the form of the talented Al Pacino. Yes, very few men in the history of humanity for what it is now and what is to be written, would supersede Michael Corleone as an example for Ubermensch.

I initially had thought of writing this post by alternatively comparing Nietzsche’s writings with the character of Michael corleone and sketch out the similarities/differences. But it made me realise that it is too intricate and also perhaps quite demanding on the reader if s/he is not well acquainted with either or both. Hence to avoid the risk of that free floatingness I have decided in favour of just presenting a summary of Michael Corleone’s character. Hopefully this would encourage the readers to find out more on Nietzsche ‘s idea of Ubermensch and make their own judgement.I have restricted only to film and not the charecter in the book on which it was based. Again, such a task being a product of individual taste and perception naturally it precludes any logical consistency and objectivity. Therefore dear reader, proceed with utmost prejudice.

Michael is almost like any man, brought up in a protected culture, loving and loved by his family, starry eyed at the ideals , proud of his nation and privileged to make his conscientious choices. He aspires to lead himself and his wife to be into a civil domestic life. One, that promises respect and comfort that any man seeks. Yet Michael appears like a man who hasn’t made his peace. Underneath all , there is a mild air of chastened sadness around him that is presumably imagined to have come from an underlying conflict. On one hand, as an intelligent being he feels strongly for his values that define him, on the other he understands that the family he loves so much and is a part of is not legitimate and is contrary to the very values he cherishes. In this sense of understanding he departs from any average hero. He is not a Christ, Gandhi or Spartacus who symbolise a moral struggle in a value conflict with the extant inimical premises. On the contrary, Michael, born into a paradox, is in conflict with himself. He starts out as the militant attacking himself under peaceful conditions. His yearning to pull himself away from the family shall always be overcome by the fact that he is born into it. As perhaps you would expect Michael to have done all his growing years- the more he reflects about himself and the family, the more he is wants to pull away. Yet is convinced that a respite eludes him , a sad realisation which perhaps renders him so cold, mean and calculative. Unlike a few other protagonists known, it must be noted that Michael chooses to be dedicated to the family out of his own volition. He is not prodded into it. Or there is no personal identification with the pathos that he chooses to lead. Nothing he does is impetuous or precedent. Doesn’t a man hurt worst when punished for his virtues?

Soon, this split devotion to his family is moulded and given form leading him to make desperate choices and share the repercussions of the sins he isn’t personally responsible for but the ones he fully understands and vows his allegiance to. He lets go of his cherished values just like how Ulysses departed from Nausicaa, blessing it rather than loving it. As he says, it is all business. Nothing personal!! So all of this is done with disturbing ease. Thereby, he ensures the personal suffering ensuing from the change in his value system is smooth and well concealed. From his individual aspirations to his family and love, he renews himself in newer values every time he fails himself. And since each of the value is further apart from his real wish he copes by making himself emotionally inaccessible to others and more harrowingly to himself. His anger is the smoke arising off the cold ice. He never grieves in spite of one bereavement after another befalling upon him. As a being, he erases himself. One can only speculate what were his own thoughts about deserting his girl friend and marrying another woman elsewhere, losing her and then after return resuming the old relationship blithely. And in this whole process of alienation that is coupled with personal expectation to fulfil his responsibilities, he departs further away. And away.[1] From everything. Slowly he loses personal desire, value, identity. He will because he ought to. His life is slowly ushered into decadence.

But it must be noted this is only in principle but not in phenomenon. He successfully manages to evade any affective identification towards him and also he is totally in control of his acts and hence is prepared to be accountable for the consequences.

An illustration would help- in the last scene, when Kay questions Michael if he really killed Carlo (Brother in law)? He lividly raises his voice warning her not to question him about his business. This scene evokes two type of principal responses from the audience-- 1.To worship Michael as a symbol of power(and dominance) 2. To sympathise with Kay. But, mostly it is forgotten that he was the same young man dressed in an Marines? uniform who had sat and conversed softly with her at the marriage in the first scene.

Far more importantly, no one would hate him or feel for him. Although it is known that he himself who has consciously willed his destiny (or decadence) he successfully evades hatred and sympathy. That is the elegance of the whole mechanism. Within Michael, a man dies and other is born every time. With this being sustained as a means of preserving himself , his worth as a value(self) ceases and a process begins[1].

If the first part was alienation and initiation of the process, second would be the inevitable direction it had to take. Of power, will and its callousness. He has now learnt very well that the greatest juncture of life is when we gain courage to rebaptise our badness as the best in us. There is no such thing as a moral phenomenon. There is only desire and will. And the rest lies in the great ocean of contempt to be concealed in the heart. In this duties that he has reached out for himself, we see that his fears are validated again - that even a slightest carelessness on his part would mean doom to his successful efforts so far. Similar to the making of Plato’s philosopher king, he battles against everything in the world. Against unidentified enemies, against the state, against his wife (who seems be growing distant), disloyal friends, family, and most notably against himself.

This is symbolised in what I regard as one of the greatest scenes ever captured for the motion picture[2]. I think it runs for about a full minute and a half or two at the beginning of the second DVD. Michael in the heart of the senate enquiry with a failed attempt on his life behind him returns in a car to his Brooklyn mansion. It is winter in New York and one can notice the sullen skies and the overnight snow trodden all around. His car is let in and a solemn looking Michael dressed in a dark suit, a long overcoat and a bowler hat carrying a briefcase gets down and walks slowly towards the door dragging himself in heavy steps. He pauses to look at a small toy car of his child. He comes into the house moving about the study and the dining room, glancing intently at the belongings before he rests his suitcase and takes off the hat. Finally he stands before one of the rooms and finds Kay absorbed in tailoring. The background music is aptly kept minimal. Not a single word is uttered.

It is the pain and the possibilities that adds depth to the character of this scene. Bound to his family, he realises the ultimate of all the truths that in spite of everything, he is alone and doomed to be prepossessed in fundamental doubts. The ones he cant share with others or make peace within himself. At this juncture, he supersedes his desires as responsibility/duty into an abstract attribute, beyond good and evil that takes control and care of him passively into the future. It all comes naturally now, with no emotion or thought underneath. There is no family now, it is him and a world that wants to be without him. And the consequences.

Not everyone, I just want to wipe off my enemies, that is all. Even if the enemy is supposedly his own brother he is pushed aside, mercilessly. A demonstration of exercise of will naked without any form of draped morality. Or even pretension of. He survives. His family survives. But in his efforts to survive he has created a world of its own new values, successful and productive to many lives but built on personal losses, including his own -- his children and family as his wife separates from him. Now,expectedly, The apollonian is slowly parted with to make way of growing Dionysian.

The criminally underrated third part is completion of the harmony[3] . With age and failing health Michael has grown soft. The powers are distributed and fragmented throughout in return for much sought legitamacy. He is shown to be socially humorous, something he wasn’t before( I was listening to Tony Bennett songs). It is all about reminiscing and a Dionysian accounting himself for the past within. He understands his acts- the inevitability and responsibility of it all. (remember the Pope’s words it is only just for him to suffer) But still he is neck deep in the consequences of his own making. He continues in another conflict to complete the promise he made to his father and also unable to restrain his own need for security and power. As he remorses (not repent) for his deeds, he tries to-- cut off his children from his business , mend his relationship with his wife and for the last time he takes one final half hearted plunge at more power -all small steps to pave way for his descent as he himself understands very well.(The more I want to get out, the more they pull me in) And consequently, he ends up paying a heavy ransom for his life, the one he never owned in a full sense anytime. He fails to protect his daughter and his son does not share the lineage of his dreams.

Understandably, for Michael life has come full circle. It is here one might start identifying with his futility and take him for a version of a tragic hero.I think casting him into the mould of tragic hero would be imposing a self presumptous role on his life, a life that has not been open to us in the first place.Although his life has been tragic in a sense there are huge issues that separates him from a conventional tragic hero.

One could easily as well imagine Michael to be taking his son to a baseball game on a Saturday noon or retiring as a senator too dignified to use a walking stick in public. But then, knowing Michael, he would have known well at the bottom that he had more to offer and effect world better. And still, the irony of it all is that if given the choice he still would have been compelled himself to choose the life he did.

Again and again. Eternally. because that is what makes his pain, glory, legacy, himself.

The concluding shot is a deserving tribute-a frail, dust-beaten image of the old Michael Corleone stooped in a chair, open to the sun, slowly falls unto the earth lifeless; him a moral idealist, son, brother, lover, father, and above all Don corleone, breathes his last - lonely and alone, resigned and trodden like a common man. He has lost his father, brothers, wives, friends, mother , daughter and the grand empire he constructed, in fact everything that he ever valued. He has no more to offer, accept, refuse or bargain. His entire life has amounted to neither individual glory nor personal love that could be cherished. He is not a successful hero , not even a failed martyr. Yet he has changed the world around him irrevocably as such and given every possible chance he would continue to do the same. And In that-- he has transcended himself, history, and humanity thus transforming himself into an idea, into an abstraction , into Ubermensch.

At the end, despite everything , what he represents beside a caution is hope and power of will and a constant attempt to be better eternally against everything, however futile that such a venture is in itself, that being the nature and the inclination of us all as humans , in different shades of desires and varying resources at disposal he becomes the essence and embodiment of humanity.

That is the tragedy and the beauty of it all.

Where you see ideal things, I see what is --

human, alas, all-too-human. I know man better.

~Friedrich Nietzsche, Ecce Homo

[1] It is this process that Coppola has beautifully captured on the film. Notice the lack of subtitles in the restaurant shooting scene for Italian but when Michael is in Italy subtitles are used while he speaks to Apollonia’s father . It is this smooth flow in transformation in values that Nietzsche alluded to so abstractly.

[2]That scene is unbearably haunting. The first time I watched it I was too occupied with the story and missed it under my nose, but the second time around I was almost choked. Every drop of ink spilled from Freud , Mann, Sartre, to Camus, et al has been so gracefully captured in one cinematic moment. Beside its conceptual bearings it not only shows how coppola has understood the character of Michael but also is a stamp on Al Pacino’s talent. In my view only two actors could have pulled it off as convincingly Al Pacino did- Herr Humphrey Bogart and that cute Cossack named Sean Penn. The latter perhaps would have needed a tighter director. The scene also is an excellent reference for film techniques, for e.g. lighting and sound , music. Et al. Pure mad genius.

Trivia -Coppola suffers from Bipolar affective disorder which my friend considers as a role of living a playful god and pained human in one life.

[3] Although not widely agreed, I’ve never felt the series would have been complete without part 3. The scenes in the third part are in a unique way mirrored with the first-The function, hospital scene, the conversations(with Kay, Mancini, his son Anthony with his own in part1 ) the assassinations. Etc.

PS- Having not said all and with the length of the post, I am not quite happy but the Glasgow London train doesn’t run indefinitely.

[something-tofightfor]

The Colors I See

Pairing: Joel Miller x female reader (Just Too Good To Be Gone pairing)

Word count: 3,760

Rating: NSFW / E - almost straight smut here, friends. 

Warnings: This alludes to things that happen / are covered in TLOU 2, but doesn’t spoil anything at all. 

Summary: An afternoon on your porch - and a casual comment to Joel - lead to much more. 

Author’s Note: I (like everyone else) saw the character poster for Joel today and was immediately fixated on the GRAY IN HIS HAIR AND BEARD. *also the look in his eyes but that’s another story* ... and I had to take a break from Christmas Din and type this out because it was important.

This takes place in the JTGtBG universe - and is FAR past where I left them in Make This Old Heart Give In ... But it can be read as a standalone, too - and just as an afternoon in an established relationship.  

To get alerted when I post new chapters/stories, follow @somethingtofightfor-shares​ and turn on post notifications - you can also ask to be added to my tag list (link in bio or at the top of my taglist reblog)

Just Too Good To Be Gone Masterlist

Song Suggestion: “Shades of Grey” by Billy Joel

“The gray looks good on you, Joel.” 

It was afternoon on a rare day off for both you and Joel, and you were making the most of it - sitting out on the porch, feet up on the railing to read while life went on around you. “What gray?”

He set the book he’d been reading down, turning his head in your direction. “You know what I’m talking about.” 

His new position let you see it more clearly - the muted sunlight shining through the leaves on the trees and bathing his skin in gold tones. It also highlighted the changes you’d noticed in his hair and beard over time - something that you knew he was a little self-conscious about, though it never seemed to bother him when it was you that mentioned it. “Do I?” 

Joel’s eyebrow shot up - disappearing beneath the shaggy strands of hair hanging over his eye and you nodded solemnly, slipping your bookmark - a tattered $50 bill - between the pages you’d been reading before that book joined his on the weather-worn wooden boards of the porch. “You do.” 

Uncrossing your legs, you sat up straight as you settled your feet onto the ground, twisting your body and reaching for him with one hand. 

He didn’t flinch when you reached for him anymore, and even though it had been that way for years, it still made you smile. In more ways than just physical appearance, Joel Miller was a changed man from the person he’d been when he and Ellie had arrived at the gates of Jackson. He knew it and you knew it - even Tommy and Maria knew it - but he kept it hidden whenever possible. Not from me, though. 

Knuckles grazing against the hair on his cheeks - hickory brown tinged with varied shades of gray and silver - even a little red in the sunlight on some occasions - you felt him reach over and grasp the arm of your chair, tugging you closer. You helped, using both feet for leverage, and when you were close enough for his liking, he spoke again, voice low enough that you could just hear him but loud enough that you didn’t miss the way it pitched and caught in the back of his throat. “Remind me.” 

“The gray here,” you continued, nosing along his cheek and pressing a kiss to the bare patch of skin there, lips lingering on one of your favorite spots on Joel’s body. “And here,” you went on, one hand rising to tug on the ends of his hair, the locks soft and thick against your skin. You didn’t pull away from his cheek, though, tilting your head so that you could speak into his ear. “And I wasn’t going to mention it, but since you asked, there’s gray in a couple other places too, and -” 

He groaned, the sound turning into a laugh as he wound his arms around you, lowering his head so that he could press his face into the curve of your neck. 

You continued to stroke his hair, your other hand resting on his arm as you breathed in the scent of him - sawdust and cedar, the faint scent of peppermint - and when Joel finally pulled away, there was still amusement in his eyes but it was coupled with something else that you knew well. “I said remind me, but what I really meant was show me.” 

“Not here.” Rising to your feet, you held out both hands. “Maye if it was dark out.”

“What, you don’t want to show off all my gray hair to the entire neighborhood?” He stood, too, and pulled you close again, his lips pressed against the top of your head. “Alright. Let’s go inside, then.” 

After leaving the porch and closing the front door securely behind the two of you, you headed for the stairs but Joel caught your hand, stopping you. “What are -”

“Down here.” He kept hold of your hand as he backed into the dining room, cocking his head to the right. “Take a seat.” This is a test. 

When he let go of your hand to pull the drapes shut, you only hesitated for seconds before pushing up and settling atop the dining room table with the doorway to your back, settling one hand on the top of the high-backed chair next to you. “Now what?” Drawing your lower lip between your teeth, you watched as Joel turned back to face you, one large hand reaching up to undo the buttons on his shirt. “Oh, that isn’t even fair.” 

He winked at you but didn’t stop, keeping enough distance between you that you couldn’t reach out and touch him. And when he got to the bottom of the shirt, the let it hang there on his body - a green flannel that you’d told him once was one of your favorites, the fabric threadbare and faded over his broad shoulders and at the elbows. 

“It’s about to be real fair.” He wet his lips, inching forward. “I guarantee it.” He pushed the chair to the side and stepped in front of you, using both hands to urge your crossed legs apart, leaving space for himself between them. “Well? Go on then.” 

He didn’t need to tell you twice. You immediately reached for the lapels of his shirt and pushed them back over his shoulders, the man only releasing your legs when necessary for you to remove it completely. 

Bringing it up to your nose you inhaled, closing your eyes before you set it on the table next to you. “It’s going to be really hard to show you what you asked when you closed the blinds, Joel. It’s kind of dark in here, and the light really -” 

“If I open those blinds again, there was no point in us comin’ inside.” He ran his hands over your shoulders and then down, squeezing your biceps before lifting them back to your face, the man’s roughened fingertips tracing over your skin. “Don’t you agree?” 

“I guess so.” Pushing your fingers through his belt loops, you tugged him even closer by the waist, Joel’s hands dropping back to your shoulders. “But I still can’t see much in the dark, and neither can you.” 

“It ain’t that dark.” Joel said your name, waiting until you’d tilted your head back to say anything more. “And I’m pretty sure you don’t really need to see much of anything anyway.” He wasn’t wrong - and even though you did like looking at him at every opportunity, the two of you knew each other so well that you didn’t need to see what you were doing to be efficient about it. 

You eased his t-shirt up and over his arms, Joel leaning in to make it easier to pull it over his head. He reached for the hem of your shirt, freeing your body of it in only seconds, it joining the steadily growing pile of fabric next to you on the tabletop. 

But neither of you were just removing clothes - every touch was purposeful, no matter how small. Goosebumps riddled the bare skin of your back when he trailed his fingertips over it, you heard his intake of breath when you swiped your thumb over his ribs - the motion slow and methodical. He groaned when you leaned in, still holding him at the waist, and kissed the skin of his chest, your eyes closed as you rested your cheek over his heart briefly. 

And Joel knew how to pull sounds out of you that you didn’t even recognize when he touched you, his breath fanning over your collarbone before he took the strap of your bra between his teeth and tugged, a low whimper escaping from between your lips as your hold on him tightened. You whined at the feeling of his tongue dipping into the hollow of your throat, the heat of it dampening your chilled skin at the same time he nosed along the column of your neck, mouth rising so that it could finally meet yours. 

When it did, it was immediately too much, your eyes squeezing shut as his teeth grazed the fullest part of your lower lip, your own darting out to soothe the sting when he released it. He laughed - the sound quiet, and didn’t pull away from you, parting his lips slightly to kiss you, the man’s head angled perfectly to match yours. 

It was you that deepened it, though, Joel giving you an opportunity when he pulled back enough to take a quick breath. He didn’t try and stop you, instead leaning in even closer. The amount of moments that the two of you had like that one had grown steadily throughout the years you’d known him, and though you were more comfortable with them as they happened, you didn’t take a single one for granted. And I never will. 

The man claimed your mouth and your body each time he could, despite the fact that you gave him unlimited access to it. That night, Joel’s hands pressed flat against your back as you wrapped your legs around his waist, the denim of his jeans stretched tightly over what was concealed beneath it. “Gonna have to get these pants off, aren’t we?” 

Finally breaking the kiss and straightening up, Joel looked down at you while he spoke, his bare chest heaving. “We are. Both of us need to -” Lowering your hands to his waist, you undid the button there, glancing down and then back at him. “Fuck Joel, let me touch you.” 

Instead of answering verbally, he stepped backwards, giving you room to stand, too. You knew what he wanted - to watch you undress yourself, but you didn’t give in, instead reaching out with both hands and taking his in yours, your fingers linking briefly. “What are you doin’?” 

“You want them off, you can take them off of me.” He stroked over the skin of your belly with one thumb and then moved, Joel undoing your button and zipper and easing the denim - and the cotton beneath it - down and over your legs. You shuddered under his touch - the man’s fingers tracing over the skin of your thighs, and when he lowered himself onto both knees in front of you, looking up at you with wide, lust-blown eyes, you cried out, reaching forward to bury your fingers in his already tousled hair, his lips twitching into a brief smile. 

“Sit back down.” He wrinkled his nose but didn’t stand. “Please.” The single word making it a request and not a command forced you into motion, and you tore your eyes away from his to look over your shoulder and back up the few steps necessary, once again taking a seat on the tabletop. Good thing we never eat in here, because… 

The wood was cool against the backs of your legs, and when Joel shuffled forward, his hands going to the bottoms of each pant leg and tugging, you saw a genuine smile on his face, even though it was brief. “I saw that, Miller. You can’t hide from -”

“I aint tryin’ to hide from you.” Looking up again, Joel took a deep breath. “Done with that shit.” 

And it was true - he hadn’t kept any part of himself from you since the moment he and Ellie had returned from Salt Lake City the previous summer. But I don’t want him to think about that right now, it’s… not the time. “I know.” Releasing his hair, you traced the curve of his brow and then down, the tips of your fingers only stopping when they reached his lips. “C’mere, Joel.” 

He took a breath and then shifted onto one knee, his other foot flat on the ground, but he didn’t stand. Instead, he scooted closer and blinked slowly, the sly smile that spread across his lips another expression that you were familiar with. He kissed your left calf, his palms curled around the backs of your legs and then began to work his way up, the man’s lips soft and warm as they caressed your skin. 

You whined at the feel of his beard, too, the hair soft thanks to the sunflower oil he used in it, and when his mouth bypassed your knee and he switched to the other side of your body, you couldn’t do anything but sigh, your hand firmly settled against the nape of his neck. I fucking love this man. “You gettin’ impatient yet?” He glanced up, not giving you a chance to reply before he kissed the inside of your thigh again, sucking the skin between his lips. 

“No.” And it was the truth, no matter how strained your voice was when you said it. “No, because you’re gonna make it worth it.”  

He would - because he always did - and so you did what anyone would have done in your situation and spread your legs wider, making more room for him between them. “You’re makin’ a mess on my kitchen table.” He nearly growled your name, the man’s breath hot on your damp skin. “A real damn -

“Our table.” Clearing your throat, your reply was little more than an exhale, the words not carrying a single ounce of the snap that you’d hoped for. “And it’s the dining room table, not the -” 

He didn’t let you finish, urging your knees over his shoulders and then pulling you forward by the hips, the smile on his face erased by the way he dove between your parted legs. He mouthed at you with no hesitation, gentle suction with his lips followed by quick swipes of his tongue, his fingertips digging into the skin of your thighs, even though it wasn’t like you were attempting to go anywhere. 

Your back arched when he slowed the motion of his tongue down, licking a longer path over you, and you cried out his name when he curled it into you, the flat of it teasing at your entrance. He wasn’t trying to get you off - he was just enjoying the taste and feel of you, and so when he pulled away only a few moments later, you weren’t surprised, Joel pressing one final kiss on the inside of your thigh before he stood up, swiping over the lower half of his face with the back of one hand. “Couldn’t help myself.” 

“I’m not complaining.” You took a steadying breath, rubbing at your own face. “Nobody would about that.” That got another smile from him, but it was brief, Joel stepping right up to the edge of the table. “So.” You eyed him, gaze dropping from his face to his chest and lingering, one finger trailing down to rest at the center of it. “This is another place you’ve got some gray.” 

“Yeah? Well you’re the only one seein’ that, so…” He settled his hands on your hips. “Don’t count.” You moved your hand lower, fingers finding the coarse hair at his navel and then dragging through it, the edges of your nails making him hiss. “Shit, that feels -”

“I’m the only one seeing this, too, and…” You sighed, breaking eye contact to follow the path of your hand, fingertips disappearing beneath the waistband of his jeans. “It definitely counts.” 

The gray and silver was much more sparse in the places that didn’t see regular sunlight, but you’d noticed it early one morning, sunlight streaming through the bedroom windows while you and Joel woke up in your favorite way. You’d seen it again under the artificial bathroom light as you showered together, your hands and mouth exploring Joel’s slippery, clean skin while you perched on the edge of the tub. And when the two of you were laying in bed some nights, you saw it then, too - one cheek pressed against his bare chest while you traced his scars with your fingertips, some of them well-hidden by time, others more prominent because they were fresh. 

“If you say so.” He grunted when your fingers closed around him, his eyes squeezed shut as he focused on your touch. “Fuck, you keep doin’ that, and you can say whatever you damn well please.” 

“That’s what I was going for.” Your smile was soft, the hand you weren’t stroking him with moving back up to his hair, fingers combing through it. “But I meant it, Joel.” Tightening your grip on him, you wet your lips. “It looks good on you.” 

There was a reply on the tip of his tongue but he kept it to himself, reaching between your bodies and pressing two fingers into you, the thickness of them a shock after the use of his mouth - but it was still more than welcome, your lower body responding to his touch and chasing after it each time he flexed his wrist and withdrew his fingers. Joel leaned in, pressing his forehead against yours as you continued to touch each other, the man’s jaw locked as he breathed through his nose. 

“If you’re sayin’ it it’s gotta be true.” 

That made you laugh and you nodded in reply, another breath audible when he removed his hand from you and encircled your wrist with his fingers. “What are -”

“Just gettin’ you ready for me, and I…” He hummed, the pad of your thumb circling over the tip of him. “You ready? Because I’m ready, and …” Joel swore. “Need to feel you.” 

“Yeah.” There was nothing more to say, and in only a few seconds, you’d released him, Joel tugging his pants and underwear down before kicking them off. “Please, Joel.” 

“Arms around my neck.” You did as he asked, resting your forehead on his shoulder so that you could look down, eyes locked on where he was holding himself, his fingers coated in your slick as he stroked his length lazily. “Fuck I’ve been waiting all day for this.” 

Steadying himself with his free hand on your thigh, Joel lined up with your core, groaning out your name as he slid into you in one slow push. 

It was a stretch - like always - even though he’d taken time to open you up, but you didn’t mind at all, giving him a few thrusts before you even moved and then you wrapped your legs back around his waist, changing the angle of your hips and allowing him to sink in deeper. “Right there.”

You cried the words out as he shifted his hips too, your arms locked around his neck - but that position didn’t last after Joel found his rhythm, hips snapping forward  to meet yours. 

You dropped your hands and leaned back onto your elbows, palms flat on the table as you watched him move. 

You weren’t going to last long, and you knew that it would push him over the edge, too. So you you didn’t fight it, memorizing the way the flex of his abdominal muscles looked and the set of his jaw. You stared at the man you loved with wide eyes and parted lips, fingers flexing and the edges of your nails digging into the scarred wooden tabletop. He let his chin drop, grunting as he focused on where your bodies were connected, but you immediately missed the sight of his face, calling out his name. 

“Look at me, Joel.” It took a second but he raised his head, brown eyes searching your face until he saw you smiling. “Slow. We’re not in a rush.” Pressing the heels of your feet into the backs of his thighs, you forced yourself upright, Joel’s hips slowing, though he didn’t stop moving. 

He backed up a half step, pulling you with him, and you used the opportunity to encircle him with your arms again, mouth seeking his.

The kiss started out slow, languid like the way he was thrusting into you, but as you lost yourself in it, a heat growing in your belly and spreading like wildfire, he sped up again - the kiss turning messy. He slipped a hand between your bodies again, two fingertips zeroing in on your swollen flesh and circling. He knew the right amount of pressure that would make you fall apart, and you did - only moments after he’d started.

“So much better when you touch me.” You broke the kiss with a gasp, the muscles in your thighs shaking with the effort of holding him close while you came. “So much… fuck.” You felt your muscles clench, pulling him deeper and holding him there as he paused, your name tumbling from his lips as you stroked the back of his neck with one hand. “Let me feel you.” 

You spoke into his ear, teeth closing around the lobe and tugging, and even though you were still riding out the aftershocks of your own orgasm, you were thankful when he started moving with purpose again, Joel’s mouth latching onto the place your neck met your shoulder to muffle his groans. 

You loved hearing him - but loved feeling the vibrations travel across your skin more, and when he thrust forward in a devastatingly smooth motion, you moaned, fingers tightening in his hair and causing his hips to stutter. That’s it. That’s right, Joel. 

He came with no warning only a few seconds later, Joel biting down on your skin and slapping one hand down on the table, his other still locked on your hip. And when you felt him filling you - your own warmth joined by his in spurts, you pulled on the ends of his hair, forcing him to release you and lift his head, the man’s pupils so wide his eyes looked black. “Come h-” 

You cut yourself off though, closing the distance between you and kissing him. Though it was little more than a press of your lips together, it didn’t matter - Joel’s posture changed, the motion of his hips slowing as he came down, the hand on your hip loosening so that he was holding you and not gripping you, yours wandering down and over his shoulders and broad back. 

He pulled out of you soon after, ending the kiss at the same time, and when both of you looked down, you were unsurprised to see that you’d made even more of a mess, the sight of him leaking out of you and onto the curved edge of the wood making you chuckle. “What’s so funny?” 

“You made more of a mess than I did.” Wrinkling your nose, you shrugged as you met his eyes again. “Of me and the table, and -”

“Yeah, well…” With one hand, he gripped your jaw, gently tweaking it between his fingers. “It looks real good on you.” 

---

Tag list coming soon!

[blood-starved-beast]

@katyspersonal

The impression I get from how the Research Hall was set up and how Maria seem to glean the most respect and everyone knew her was that it was her lab and she happened to be a very involved PI (Principal Investigator) who successfully connected with her patients (even if she was letting them live in squalor and turning them into giant heads and dumping their failed corpses to feed her beloved flowers - but we'll ignore that. it's the 1700s Yharnam Nuremberg Code hasn't been established it's ok [😬]). We see this in how she's influencing variables left and right (the whole bias with Adeline and all) and that doesn't seem to change anything (thus is the power of the PI without an IRB).

It's interesting therefore, that the research there doesn't seem to really allude much at all to the Old Blood. Maria as any Byrgenwerth scholar looks to the stars, craves that knowledge even dying making the same "Make Contact" gesture like Gehrman (I'd argue her pose seems more desperate though. I mean, Gehrman did made contact. She never really did in a way that mattered to her). It makes sense that her work academically was is transpiring here, and I do headcanon that was what drew Adeline to her.

So I headcanon that Adeline and Lawrence (and also Maria, his peer) have a number of years on Adeline (7-8 ish) so by the time Adeline was 18 or so Laurence already had a bit of a name to him. Adeline is coming into his Shadow and people see her as an extension of Laurence. She's despondent cause people don't and won't judge her based on her own merits (she has some ideas, but also this Adeline they are unhinged and getting from Point A to Point D is a problem).

Then she discovers Maria's thesis, of which Laurence of course has a copy how would he debate her otherwise?? Adeline is obsessed. Maria's theory lines pretty close to what she'd like to study/her own thoughts. A school of thought completely divorced from Laurence! So she forces her brother to take her to their next symposium as his +1 to meet this Academic of her Dreams. She meets Maria and infodumps her thoughts on the Horrors and how it relates to the paper and Maria's like "Uh" in Autistic Creature fashion. Adeline is in love. (Helps too, that Maria is Hot. Wow what a pleasant surprise Adeline was already planning to hitch herself to whatever Researcher this was but Oh Man She did not expect this Hot Piece of Ass???Laurence why did you introduce her sooner? On the other side of the ballroom, Laurence is getting the immediate urge to beat Maria to death with hammers). The rest is well history.

But Maria is also Gehrman's student so she doesn't really establish her lab from the getgo. Fieldwork, she calls it, hunting beasts and eldritch creatures from beyond. (As opposed to Gehrman, who entertains fantasies of like, Maria inheriting his workshop after he retires or dies prematurely. Something too domestic for Maria, Girl Prince extraordinaire, decked out in the Latest of Cainhurst fashions is the Talk of Yharnam and the hero to save them all from the Evil Beasts). So Adeline is in a relationship, but it lacks the academic edge she hoped for. It's in fact, painfully domestic in the "husband leaves home to work and wife waits until he returns" and such (I'd like to think this is why Laurence allows the relationship with little complaint. He knows of Adeline's obsession with deep Sea Horrors but fortunately Maria is proving a distraction for her in this sense even if she's a thorn in his ass in every other occasion).

Adeline's still in Laurence's shadow, still inadequate and people are starting to talk. When the opportunity arises she signs up to become a Blood Saint so at least, okay maybe she can do something here? This causes the first Major Rift between her and Maria who absolutely doesn't approve of this. A disagreement turns into a fight and ends up with some glasswear and vases taking the hit as Maria smashes them in a rage (I do headcanon the picture frame on the table in the Clocktower is something she broke in anger/frustration) but quickly apologizes for afterwards. Normally this is a Red Flag. For Adeline it is not. In the end, Adeline is now a Blood Saint.

Eventually the Fishing Hamlet disillusions Maria to the Hunt and she quits. Adeline is there to soothe her when she's in her Byronic hero Slump of Immense Dramatic Woe™ and brings up her research - she has enough fieldwork now no? She can start working on it? And Maria's like "you're still thinking of that???" and Adeline's like "Of course??? I could get funding" and convinces Laurence, who currently losing his mind over the Bad Press of Maria Quitting the Hunt and also dealing with Gehrman sending like a 1000 letters asking after Maria and where is she is she ok, funds it immediately if it means she's out of his hair.

The rest well you know. I do love the idea of Adeline emotionally cheating on Maria with Kos cause honestly I do have that headcanon too?? I mean it's only fair I do have this horrible headcanon that Maria does cheat on Adeline with this one cute Nurse in the Hall some time after Adeline develops a Giant head. She is immediately guilty afterwards and tries to improve the situation for Adeline (the Balcony Key) and also gets rid of the Nurse but the act haunts her and is a contributing factor to both the Heel Realization and the Suicide. Also she's also emotionally cheating on her with Nameless Moon Presence (though I doubt Adeline would have be offended by that) and also Kos but like in the Opposite Direction to why Adeline is obsessed with her (in trying to avoid anything to do with Kos and the Fishing Hamlet it becomes obsession and it adds to the Irony of Maria's situation in the Nightmare later - her own special little cage where she's the Absolute Monster [herself]). There's no ~ divorce ~ but there's definitely a rift neither can really bridge by the time Maria commits suicide (which I headcanon happens before Adeline dies if only for the tragedy of Adeline waiting for Maria to show up again but she never does).

Adding this cause it's relevant here but I don't think Laurence really needed to feed suicidal idealations for Maria. Her own ruminations and preoccupations over her own shortcomings starting from Cainhurst as a human being does all the work for him. The impression I get from Maria, based largely on how she misses Gehrman's 'mania'. (HOW does one Ignore that Kind of Person/behavior??? Pretty sure the Doll post-mortem isn't the first Time either.) The only logical explanation is that it is deliberate willful Ignorance, which given Maria's whole deal as the only person to regret her actions while changing absolutely Nothing of her morals/future actions, reads to me as someone completely utterly self-obsessed in their own flaws and actions. I.e. she is is so preoccupied by her own flaws and Introspective to a Fault that everything and everyone is secondary to those preoccupations in her mind. Adeline, her work at the Hunt and in the Hall, all of that pales to the Spot ruminating about how much She Sucks So Bad while lying on her back on the floor or slumped in her Clocktower chair holds in her mind. Very much Byronic. Adeline would find it a lot Hotter if it didn't interfere with her own goals to reach the Horrors though.

I also headcanon Maria comes from the branch of the Vileblood line that has the high potency for blood magic but that has the added side effect of that line being prone to schizoid type symptoms and depression. Very much Gothic horror vibes. No one in Cainhurst was surprised when she made the sudden decision to leave. It's Yharnam's problem now!!

And again, I do think while alive Maria has a big following/admiration by the public. So her disappearing would be just as bad as her firing up a storm. Especially when the Romantic Image of the Lady Maria and the Vicar's Sister is so so good for publicity and tabloids. He lets them be as long as Maria doesn't cause too much of a fuss with the Old Blood Rejection. Doesn't stop him from fantasizing about blowing her head off with a Repeating Pistol anytime she sits in front of him in the Lecture Hall or he finds her with her tongue down his sister's throat when he comes back home from the Cathedral.

I do agree Maria was the Biggest L in Laurence's book. Especially after discovering what happened in the Research Hall (I imagine he never really looked deeply into what was going on - he had so much on his plate especially the Beast Plague). He doesn't care about the other patients but his sister??? His Little Sister??? How dare she turn her into a giant head creature??? What did that awful Vileblood bitch do?? Adeline assures him it was her idea and Maria didn't approve at first, but also can you find her? She's been gone a while and well, Adeline still needs brain fluid :(. The biggest L Laurence took was finding her bloated corpse up in the Clocktower and not being the one to take the knife to her neck himself.

At least he can unleash his executioners in Cainhurst in peace. The offense is now personal.

I headcanon that Lady Maria and Laurence have an animosity that goes beyond the typical rivalry that is common between academics with competing theories on the same subject and part of it is cause Maria was one of the earliest and most vocal opponents (or as vocal as Maria would ever be) of use of the Old Blood. Unlike Master Willem's cautioning she straight up tells him the Old Blood is shit and will bring bad consequences (totally drawing from Cainhurst experience here).

She further emphasizes this point by largely refusing to use the Blood to heal in Hunts, largely relying on her skills and is why she's a Master at the Art of Quickening. And lowkey, it's also why her HP is so low compared to other DLC enemies. She had to whether a lot of hits that normally Hunters would heal with the Old Blood and eventually it did have a long-lasting toll on her body. After one pretty bad fight Laurence had walked up to her with a bottle being like "oh wow Maria that's a pretty bad gash you've got there :))))) A shame there's no way to heal that quickly :))))" and was even more annoyed when she refused him even then. Needless to say having a major academic and Hunter snub your work like that, is well a pretty nasty thorn to have on your side.

That is to say, that I don't think Maria was against blood ministration (heck, it's the main thing in Bloodborne). I do think she would be very picky as to where it's sourced from. One of them being from Adeline, and Maria only took it (after much refusal and protest to Adeline being a Blood Saint in the first place) was in a different and worse fight than the aforementioned, it was practically forced onto her by a sobbing Adeline who thought she was going to lose Maria then and there. From then on Maria carried a blood vial of Adeline's blood (at first Adeline would sneak them in, later as the beasts became more dangerous Maria took them willingly) with her on the Hunts.

I also headcanon, with no evidence, that Adeline was Laurence's sister. Surprisingly, this was not a direct point of contention in these colleagues' relationship, but it did cause Laurence to grind his teeth when anyone reminded him of this, or when he'd come home and see Adeline sitting on Maria's lap in their parlor. Laurence, being the first Vicar, was a huge source of Adeline's feelings of inadequency, though she'd never tell him that. She felt she had to measure up in some way, and when she didn't, she felt like nothing. It also compelled her to be a blood Saint, something Maria was strongly against. It was Adeline's insistence that led to Laurence and the Church to ultimately fund Maria's research at the Research Hall, and part of it cause it would distract away from Maria (potentially) being a vocal opponent of the Church and the Hunt.