#this is turning into a vent im gonna shut up now

[kazzykatt]

jobs? researched resumes? sent nerves? through the roof

[snekdood]

and now that nigels gone, you dont have to pretend to care about black people anymore. even though you're supposedly a devout christian of some flavor so surely you also believe your god and your dead friends are watching over you with a judging eye- so im not sure why you're so giddy thinking you can 'get away with' being a bigot now that hes dead. do you believe god punishes sinners or not? oh wait- no… in your made up reality where nothing is congruent and we have lots of contradicting beliefs-- god just punishes the people you dislike, huh?

[constantly-confused-queer]

My mood stabilizers is NOT working tonight holy shit

[oshygoshy]

7:29 am

word count - 953 words

warnings - reader is female in this one. nothing explicit, but suggestive at the end. general intim*cy (throws up, claws at my skin, shakes cell bar handles)

a/n - ermmm guys happy birthday to my glorious king oikawa butttt this is kinda cringe im not gonna lie also i literally woke up at like 3 am and it's past 8 am rn so forgive me for typos my head hurts and my eyes are strained and uhh im formatting this on pc so idk how it looks on mobile but ykw?? that is simply not my business

“who’s blowing up your phone like that?” you mused, sipping your morning coffee as you tried to blink the sleep from your eyes. it was a failing task, though oikawa had to commend you for the valiant attempt.

“i’m not sure,” he hummed, blowing on his tea to try to cool it down. he tried unlocking his phone from his current position, huffing when it didn’t work. he tapped in his passcode and opened up his messages app. 

you peer over his shoulder, resting your chin on his bicep. you raise an eyebrow when you see the message. “japanese? tooru, dear, are you texting one of your fangirls back from home?” 

“baby,” he whispered, turning his head to kiss you on your temple, “you are my home.”

“real smooth. tell me what your side piece said though,” you say, unamused. (but you’d be lying if you said there wasn’t a happy grin on your face.)

“do you remember when i was showing you japan’s volleyball roster, and we were watching one of their exhibition matches?”

“mhmm.”

“remember their athletic trainer?”

you turned your head at that, your cheek squishing adorably against his shoulder. “the really buff guy that you totally had the hots for?”

oikawa’s jaw dropped at that. “excuse me?? i don’t know whether i should be offended or disgusted by that comment-“

“-tooru, please. as your partner, i could see the bedroom eyes you had for him from the audience seating.”

his lips thinned as you turned your attention back to his screen. your sleepy voice tugged at his heartstrings, but he really wished you would say something else. “never said that was a bad thing…he kind of looks like me, don’t you think? it’s clear you have a type.”

“now, i don’t even know what you’re-“ he tried but only got cut off by you again with a giggle.

“-great arms, smoldering gaze, and ample space in the chest!” you say with a wink. 

you hear his audible groan, and can practically feel his eyes rolling in distaste, but you miss his flushed cheeks and dopey grin.

“checks out. he’s cute, in a grumpy kinda way. anyway, tell me what he said.”

“uh,” oikawa started, faltering at that comment. (iwa-chan? cute?) he squinted at his screen; he could really use his glasses right now. “it says…happy birthday.”

you frown. “that’s it? it looks like a longer message than just ‘happy birthday.’”

“he added a ‘stupidkawa’ at the end too.”

you laugh at that, but still have an eyebrow raised, seemingly not satisfied. after a moment, you shrug, letting your curiosity drop, and instead reach a hand up. “you should let me say something back.” you didn’t ask for permission, sending a little smiley face emoji and a bazillion pink glittery hearts. “there. i’m sure these will transcend our language barrier.” 

he shuts off his phone, placing it facedown as you move his cup out of his hands, and slide yourself into his lap. the morning rays are warm, argentina’s summer already making her mark on your glowing skin. but for now, in your private kitchen, his hair blowing gently from the air conditioning vent above, and the most precious smile and both your faces, oikawa couldn’t help but kiss you softly, feeling your smile against his lips.

“happy birthday, tooru,” you whisper against his skin. “my favorite olympian.” you lean back a bit, resting an arm against the counter. “and don’t worry your pretty little head about anything. since today’s the start of the weekend, we can do whatever you want. my treat.”

his hands rested against your waist, rubbing ambiguous shapes into the warmth. “how about we start off with brunch at the cafe we like? the one with the cute cat sitting out front?”

“‘kay. lemme get ready first,” you say, and with much strength, you leave the comfort of his arms, yawning lazily as you head back to your shared room. he stared openly as you stretched your arms above your head, and could only laugh when you flicked his forehead. 

“quit ogling me, stupidkawa.”

“but it’s my job to ogle you! and don’t call me that again. you sound just like him,” he said with a fake shudder. he heard your snicker echo in the hallway as he turned his attention back to his phone.  

it made sense why you were suspicious of iwa-chan’s text at first. though you didn’t speak japanese, it really did look too long to just say “happy birthday.” but he made sure to leave out the second half of his friend’s text. 

oikawa tapped a finger against the edge of the phone as he kept rereading it.

iwa-chan “happy birthday, stupidkawa. take a break, and keep an eye on your girl. some of the guys said they’d buy a ticket just see her.”  you "😊😁💕💖💓💞💖💕💓💓💖✨💖💖" “thanks, iwa-chan i'll be sure to take care of myself." "the hearts were from her. did you know she thinks you have ‘great arms, a smoldering gaze, and a big chest?’” “i told her you called me stupidkawa, and now she calls me that too. you’re a bad influence”

he saw the little dots pop up immediately. japan was only 12 hours ahead, so it should be around 7 pm for him.

iwa-chan “did she really? cute. maybe i should meet her too.” 

his eyes kept flicking back to the last message.

“meet her too.”

“meet her”

“cute”

oikawa raised his brows, thinking. wouldn’t that be a treat, to have iwaizumi and you meet? well, doesn’t matter. they’ll be seeing each other soon in paris for the olympics. but…he thought back to what you said about him. (great arms? cute? you both found each other cute??)

well, maybe they can have another, more secret competition back in his room. winner takes all. 

[miloformula123fan]

Could you do fic for Peter 'Bono' Bonnington with wife teacher!reader? She's stressed about work and he just shuts her up with kisses and gets caught by the team. And they teased the couple endlessly. Just something fluff and cute. Thanks!! :))

Haha im gonna be honest i see bono as such a sap for his partner, and so that’s how i will always write him

(unless y’all want a part 2 of the love language fic)

sorry i feel like it's short

Please keep requesting - y'all have awesome ideas we agree on a lot of stuff :) - my guidelines are here, and if you want some prompts, they are here.

also feel free to come in and start chatting to me in my asks, would love to get to know y'all better

and if you want to be added to my taglist lmk :)

peter bonnington x wife!teacher!reader

---

“I sometimes feel like none of them care. I mean actually I know none of them care, one of the boys, Brayden, straight up asked me ‘miss why does the past matter? Surely the future matters more’ and while I was explaining that we have to study the past to make sure we don’t repeat the future, he was trying to flirt with the girl next to him.” Y/N sighed, Bono and her had found a small secluded area before the race began. But Y/N was really stressed out from work and so Bono had offered to let her vent about it.

“Aww, baby, I’m sorry…” Bono snuggled closer to his partner, wanting them to feel as loved as he could.

“If you ever get a job application from a Brayden Jackson that went to the school I’m teaching, immediately deny him please. It’s just annoying that very few students care, except for the A level students, and the school doesn’t care about me, particularly if we’re taking my recent working hours into account.” Y/N laughed, trying really hard to not let her tears spill.

“I can provide for you darling…you can quit your job, travel the world with me… I know that that’s not what you want to do. I know you love teaching for those few kids who do actually like history, but I hate seeing you so burnt out.” Bono comforted her, wiping away the stray tears that had fallen past her eyes onto her cheeks.

“But it is worth it for those few kids who come through the ranks, who do care. It’s worth 10 of the asshole kids for one of the kids who cares…but the hours are starting to get to me, I’m thinking about trying to find a better job, one that actually cares about me, and not just the kids, but then, I have to quit my job, and then I’ll be unemployed for a bit, until I find another job, and trying to find one of those jobs is hard to find and highly competitive…” Y/N looked even more stressed than she had when she had begun venting and her husband hated seeing her like this.

Bono couldn’t listen to her stress and just planted a kiss on her lips. And then when she looked slightly surprised, he did it again, littering kisses all over her face and lips. She started looking slightly surprised but ended up giggling by the time that Bono stopped his kissing assault for some air.

“What was that for?”

“Just because I love you.”

Bono resumed his kissing of his wife, enjoying her little giggles and smiles. Until he realised that not all the giggles were coming from the woman next to him.

He lifted his head and met eyes with James V, James A, Toto and Lewis all standing over the couple, all trying to hold their laughter in.

“Uhhh, hi?”

“Hi!”

“Hey”

“Hello”

“Morning Bono.” They all responded.

“Uhhh, I kind of thought this was a private corner, what are you all doing here?” Y/N had hid her face in Bono’s shoulder and was giggling at the situation.

“You’re late for pre pre-race briefing so we thought we’d come looking for you.”

“And-”

“And we can clearly tell that you’re busy but we would like to see you in the pre race briefing as soon as you’re um finished.” - Toto started ushering the other guys away

“Yeah, will do, see you guys soon. Now where were we?” Bono asked mischievously as he turned back to his partner, not even looking to see if the others had left fully.

---

“Hey Bono, is the wife coming down this weekend?”

“Uhh, yeah, yeah she is. Why?”

“Oh we made a little spot for you 2 to ‘canoodle’ and you won’t be disturbed.” James A’s grin was way too big for this to be an innocent kind thing, so bono slipped off the chair and followed him down the hall towards the supply closet.

Bono’s face blushed as he saw the little sign reading ‘Y/N and Bono’s smooching corner’ with a photo from their wedding also pasted on the piece of paper.

“Really?”

“Yeah man, your wife is great, but like we really don’t want to catch you snogging again, okay?”

“Okay” Bono replied in a weak voice, pulling out his phone to take a photo to send to Y/N, knowing she could have a good laugh about it.

---

taglist: @leosxrealm, @tallrock35, @wolf-knights, @janeholt3, @pear-1206

[doodlegirl1998]

Listen...I detest spinner now thanks to hori's canon. No hate to anyone who likes him and yes you can fix spinner in fics and arts...but to me, I see him as a raving and fanatical fan of shig who ....honestly didn't give a fuck about spinner...it was so oneside.

Spinner hating Izu and calling him murder???

Spinner saying he could have saved shig???

And Izu takes all bc ofc he does ...he is the perfect victim.

This is MHA ...Izu gets nothing but pain and blame. Bk and shoto have fangirls ...Shoto I get it (even if we ignore the whole dabi's situation) but bk?

And Izu is saddle with that superficial bitch ??. (I know people can fix ochako in fics. She is a character...but god canon makes me detest her)

To sum up, spinner is an insane fan who thinks he and shig are besties since day 1 and will write his fanfic about shig meaning he will write his own version of shig...not how the real shig is bc no one knows...and blames Izu for this.

Im tired of this manga.

But it does make me realize how...I can do better. I was feeling a bit insecure about my writing ...it boost my confidence a lil.

Hi @mikeellee , ��

Not much filled me with anger quite like watching Bakugou get fangirls for existing and being his detestable self - and Izuku getting none.

There's also Spinner venting his rage at Izuku for Shigaraki's death (Izuku, who tried his very best to save Shig). Spinner's rage should be at All For One - not Izuku. So this was pretty rage inducing as well - considering this is in the same chapter Bkg and Todoroki get fangirls, the contrast is jarring. - And a spit in the face for Izuku from Hori once again.

Izuku owes none of the LOV, not even Shig in canon, a damn thing. If Izuku had decided to kill him (which he didn't), he would have been justified because Shig was a country ending threat with decay and AFO who was not gonna back down!

There's also the fact that Spinner is a hypocrite, turning around and calling Shoji a mutant slur when he has apparently been discriminated against himself.

Spinner for the love of God, sit down and shut up.

Also, I suppose that's one good thing to come from the state of MHA's writing now. I'm glad you are feeling proud in your own writing - as you should.

[damnfandomproblems]

5378

what absolute bullshit. all these moving goal posts i swear

first its about providing evidence of accusations. there were no specific accusations towards anyone, no one demanded anything from readers. no action called for, no fingers pointed at anyone. fuck evidence this is a fucking vent blog not a courtroom. 

then oh, its about define left, define rape celebration, “show me i just want to know, if someone recalls any experience they had that doesnt please me then i must demand proof bc clearly this person expressing negative feelings about seeing rape celebration is bout ME personally. prove it prove it if you dont provide proof i can’t believe it and im totally not talking over you right now im just being diligent in making my decisions, which again no one called on me to make any decisions or declare any opinions but yeah im totally gonna insert myself into this and demand proof of the traumatic thing you saw anyway!”

then it’s all, “wait no, no one said anything about proof! i just want to know so i can avoid these people i have clearly already avoided since im so completely insulated from these people that i evidently saw none of this over the YEAR its been happening. i need jews to personally wade through all the hate they’ve seen to provide me with names so i can avoid the people i’ve never had any contact with. all right, jews? hop to it! im sure you took careful evidence of all the vile shit that turned your stomach, that made you block person after person on your dash, that made you close the app, that made you scroll down as fast as you could. im sure you published the anon hate you were sent, and were willing to openly discuss how much it hurt you in a public and easily searchable manner. im sure the people who posted and sent that hate were sure to have the self-awareness to tag it #antisemitismiscorrect and #rapeisgood so its nice and searchable for you jews to go find for me. aren’t i so good and progressive and loving and responsible and entitled to your pain? you don’t want me to baselessly compare you to right-wingers do you? you know, the people who think that hitler guy was really on to something? give me your pain so i’ll stop uwu”

just shut the fuck up and take responsibility for your own education for once. you are owed nobody’s pain and nobody’s experience and nobody’s forgiveness for your unwillingness to engage with your own ignorance and bigotry

“but i’m just asking a REASONABLE—“

shut the fuck up, no you’re not

Posting as a response to a previous problem.

[whoahoney]

A Girl Called Honey Pt. 2

Eddie Munson x Trailer Trash!Reader

Part 1

Summary: Eddie begins to see through the cracks in the walls Honey built around herself, little by little

CW: 18+ mature themes & language, mentions of abuse, depictions of poverty, trauma, drug use, Juniors got a gun, slight angst, a little fluff, and Eddie’s pervy thoughts

A/N: this took me forever to finish, this chapter has been so many things before this final form, so Im posting it before I decide I hate it 💀 we’re gonna get into their backstory soon, I promise! Thank you to my pal @boomhauer for inspiring this story, go check out her masterlist bc Disjointed is a MUST READ!

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“HONEY!” Jun called to the house one evening as he arrived home from work with the kids. He was the first one out of the truck, bolting to the porch and almost running into his sister who burst out of the house, shushing him profusely.

Eddie stuck his head out the door, passing it off as if he were checking on Wayne who smoked a cigarette on the porch couch. The old man held out his pack of cigarettes, wordlessly inviting him to sit next to him.

“I swear ta God—If you wake up the babies, I’m gonna—“

“—They needa wake up, anyway, or they ain’t gonna sleep later! ‘sides, look at what I picked up off the side of the road!”

“Please don’t tell me you found another deer, I don’t wanna do that again.” Honey whined defeatedly.

“S’not a deer!” Aaron called from the back of the pickup, Junior made Honey cover her eyes before joining him. Honey peeked from behind her fingers, glancing over to Eddie’s porch and blushing at his gaze on hers as he smoked. He smiled, sending her a wink that almost had her weak in the knees.

She squeezed her eyes shut. “What is it, Jun, I got dinner on the stove!”

Cal ran around the front of the vehicle with wide eager eyes ready to explain, “Jun worked on a roof in Loch Nora, the fanciest neighborhood here, and the owners had this—“

“What did y’all take?!” She shrilled, eyes popping open as she tried to get off the porch before they could unload the mystery object.

“They were gettin’ rid of it—it had a sign and all, right Jun?” Aaron hollered over the top of the truck as he strained and the ear piercing screech of metal against metal reverberated throughout the lot. The smaller kids clamped their hands over their ears until it stopped.

Cal finally let Honey down the steps so she could see from the side of the yard, her eyes widening as it hit her, her hands flew over her mouth as she began to practically bounce in excitement. “Oh my god!”

“Your very own dryer!” Jun tapped the top lovingly.

“Wha—Jack! Jack are you messin? Does it really work? Don’t fuck with me, I mean it— if this is just another one of those jokes—“ She pleaded as her eyes stayed glued to the seemingly untouched machine.

“—Yeah, yeah, it works and everything! The owner lady said she wanted a different color for her house, can you believe it? I went and got the vent hook up and everything. Now we just gotta… figure out how the hell we’re s’ppossd to get it down...” He put his hands on his head and tried to figure out from his options of Cal or Janie which would be the most useful.

Aaron’s eyes shifted to Eddie the same moment Wayne tapped his shoulder and stood. “C’mon, boy, time to be neighborly.” Eddie followed without hesitation. Honey turned quickly at her siblings' gazes falling on the approaching figures behind her.

“We can lend a hand.” Wayne nodded at Junior, who nodded back respectfully.

Honey watched them with eager eyes raking over the pristine powder coated white. The knobs were intact and the labels were clear as day! No dents, no scratches— it looked like it came right out of a store. To Honey, it might as well have been.

Eddie hopped up in the bed of the pickup with Aaron while Jun and Wayne surveyed the situation from the sides and found the best spots to grab. “Alright, boys,” Jun started, “If y’all will just scoot it till ‘bout midway, then jump down to help us ease it offa there?”

Honey made her way back up to the porch, thankful she didn’t get roped into doing the heavy lifting again. It had been so long since she had a dryer, sometimes not having the washer at her disposal either. Gone were the days of scrubbing at the blood and mud stains on their clothes in the old sink back home. Gone were the days of frozen britches standing up against the wall in the winter time.

She looked into the house, only having to worry about clearing the way to the laundry room.

After lots of cussing and smashed fingers, the men got the dryer in the house, and all hooked up.

Wayne, being more lithe than Jun, settled himself between the two machines and the wall to cut the hole in the drywall for the vent. Eddie watched from the door way, seeing Honey’s giddy eyes watching them as they worked.

Eddie took the opportunity to take in the home, smiling at the ways it resembled his own; an ugly old couch, stained carpet, peeling linoleum in the kitchen, and smoke stains lining the walls. The little fridge was covered in magnets, art work and graded homework displayed for all to see. It all made his heart warm.

The plates in the sink didn’t match, some of which were chipped at the edges. But they were all beautiful with the floral patterns ringing the edges. Eddie turned his attention to the stove, a smoking pot of Mac and cheese sat burning on the burner.

“Uh, Honey?” He asked calmly, turning to the eager girl sitting on the washer as they worked.

“Yeah?” She asked with an easiness in her voice he hadn’t heard yet. And he was about to ruin it.

“Uh, your maca—“

“MY MACARONI!” She cried, jumping off the washer and flying past Eddie to turn off the burner and assess the damage as she attempted to stir the blackened Mac. “Fuck.” She let her head thud against the cabinet in defeat.

“Y’know, it isn’t all that bad.” Eddie tried to say assuringly, peeking into the pot and spotting the hardened shells. “Shit, maybe it is.” He mumbled, a chortle slipping from Honey as she nodded.

“Is it done yet?” Janie hollered from the other room.

“Oh, yeah, it’s done. For sure.” She joked, making Eddie smile, “It’s like a casserole in a way.” She shrugged, straining as she tried to stir the solid blocks of pasta and cheese.

Eddie snorted and took the pot from her, “Allow me.” He walked it outside, Honey following closely behind until he walked down the porch steps and went behind his trailer. She stopped at the corner of her house and cocked her head.

Eddie turned to her when he noticed she was no longer walking with him, “C’mon, I’ll show you.” Her feet moved before she could think about it, walking around the back of his house to see a few mismatched bowls laying around the concrete slab. Eddie flipped the pot over and the giant block plopped onto the ground with a wet thud. They shared a look and wrinkled their noses before they laughed.

Eddie walked back to stand with Honey, the girl turning to leave before he caught her arm. “Wait.” He said quietly. She scrunched her brows at him and looked back to the pile of pasta. In a few moments, one by one, cats crawled out from the tall grass or out from under his trailer, licking at the offering. Honey smiled at the sight, a few kittens milling around the larger cats.

“Aren’t they cute? The most I’ve counted out here at once is 20! People really need to spay and neuter their pets, man. But these guys are pretty cool, I think.”

“I’ve always liked the strays.” She mentioned, leaning against the house and looking to the west, the sun was setting. Tonight it threw magical gradients of orange and pink, half the sky already shrouded in gray blue. The clouds were massive, the colors breaking through the cracks in beaming rays. Honey sighed contently and took it in.

“Me too.” Eddie agreed. “The strays are always the best.”

Eddie looked at her again, glancing to the sunset she admired before looking back to her, his gaze going unnoticed for a few moments much to his delight. This light made her golden. Her eyes were even more spectacular in this moment, like shining, melting ice. Then she looked at him. “What?” She asked.

Eddie shook his head, not bothering to look anywhere else. “Nothing. Just looking at you.” He said.

Honey chuckled and shook her head with pink cheeks. “Alright then.” She stared back at him, noticing how pretty his eyes were in the light too.

“Want me to stop?” He asked. She tried to place the color of his eyes in the sunshine. She used to think his eyes were black, too dark to be brown. But now she knows she was mistaken.

She shook her head, “No.” she said simply.

Eddie’s mouth lifted in a smile. “Good, cause I’m not gonna.” His smile widened when he saw how she rolled her eyes and blushed deeper. He loved how he could make her change colors.

She stared at him a moment longer before it hit her, his eyes reminded her of raw honey right from the pot. She averted her eyes to the ground beneath her bare feet. “C’mon, I gotta fix new supper.” She said, easing back toward the house. Eddie followed her without question.

Before they could make it around the front, they heard Aaron calling for Honey. “Where’d they go?” He muttered.

“Ran off to Mexico.” Honey answered as she turned the corner, making Eddie chuckle as he carried the pot limply at his side.

Aaron chuckled, “Yeah, like you’d ever go back down south.” he said as he went back through the door. Honey rolled her eyes and climbed the steps.

“Next time I burn something, I’ll be sure to feed your cats.” She said without turning around. Eddie smiled as he followed her back inside.

“I think they’d like that a lot.” He said with a smile, placing the pot in the sink and watching her start anew.

“Thank you for your help, Mr. Munson.” Jun said when they were done, offering the old man a glass of ice water and a handshake.

“Anytime, and jus’ call me Wayne.” The older man smiled with his tobacco stained teeth. Honey smiled right back at him, giving him an eager handshake of her own, “Thank you, Mr. Wayne.” She said giddily before running off to start the laundry.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Another day, Aaron walked over and knocked on the screen door, knowing Eddie and Wayne were inside. “Come in!” The old man hollered.

“Hey there, Aaron.” Wayne said as he tied his work boot laces on the coffee table. “What can I do for you?”

“I was just coming to see if you and Eddie—“

“What about Eddie?” Eddie exited the bathroom, looking at Wayne first before he saw Aaron. “Hey, man.”

“Howdy. Honey wanted me to see if y’all wanted to eat supper at our’s tonight.” Eddie’s heart leapt at the offer.

“Oh, I’m about to head out to work, but Ed’s free.” Wayne clapped the boy on the shoulder. “I’m headin out. Be good.” He said like he always did. The screen door snapped shut behind him.

“You wanna eat?” Aaron asked.

“Is that even a real question?” Eddie answered as he headed towards the door.

When he crossed the threshold, Eddie took it all in; the wood paneling, the long worn couch that looked so tempting to sink into, eyeing the long table in the center of the room, pillows thrown around it where they’d sit to eat their meals. He could smell the cheesy hamburger helper simmering on the stove, his mouth watering. Honey stirred the large pots, then checked the oven for her roasted vegetables and dinner rolls.

He smiled when he saw how wild hairs escaped the bandana and bun atop her head, then shifted his gaze to the way she bent over to open the fridge for the butter dish, his favorite part of her greeting him from under her red shorts. He bit back his smirk at the sight.

Before he walked in here, he was looking forward to the canned ravioli he set out. But now all he could think about is the way Honey had something cooking on every burner of the stove, large portions with spices that he’d only describe as homey tickling his senses.

He looked back at the table, traces of the dark brown wood showed through the worn paint. But the green was still prominent and beautiful.

If they were in a larger house, like the Harringtons, a table like this would’ve been compared to one of those traditional Japanese dinner tables, and would perhaps be presented with a sushi spread across the top complete with saki and matching decor. Something rich people would’ve loved to see and experience.

Here, it was just an old table with the legs cut down, but Eddie hadn’t seen a sight that made his heart feel the way it did right now, his heart’s smile reaching his mouth.

Aaron took two couch cushions and tossed them down on two spaces near the end of the table. “S’not much, but, uh, we try to eat together. Honey said something about it keeping us out of jail or somethin’” he shrugged as he settled himself on the floor, Cal joining them on the other side of Aaron with his own bed pillow acting as his seat.

“She said she read a magazine with a statistic that said having family dinners decreases the risk of kids engaging in sexual activity and drugs, so for the past year she makes us all sit down together and eat.” Cal explained easily. Eddie raised his brows at the thought, thinking of how long ago Wayne started the night shift and then tried to remember if he ever ate with his parents.

“Janie! Would you put out the plates, please?” Honey hollered from the other room.

Janie rolled her eyes from the chair she always seemed to occupy and tossed her book back on the shelf. “I guess.” She said exasperatedly, walking to the counter and grabbing the large stack of mismatched plates.

“It’s not like you do it every day, or anything.” Cal said with an eye roll as he joined her to scoop up the tin of forks and knives and set them out behind her as she went.

Honey’s voice rang out once more, “Cal, could you—“

“I got it.” The boy called back.

Honey finally reappeared from the bedrooms, Frankie walking in front of her, stark naked, with a blanket trailing behind him, Randy on one hip, and a baby on the other. Eddie remembered the baby from the first day, though he couldn’t remember ever seeing or hearing it since.

Terry and Tommy ran out of the hallway behind her, arguing about who was at fault for the broken mobile above the baby’s crib, Honey biting back her thoughts as she worried her lips and set the baby in the play pen.

“Jesus Christ, Honey, get his pants on!” Janie whined at the sight of the feral child. Aaron rolled his eyes and pulled Frankie over to his lap, covering him up with the blanket he brought with him from his sleep, smelling faintly of detergent and… urine maybe?

“Fuck off, Janine.” Honey mumbled from the laundry room, tossing a load of clothes into the new dryer. Eddie and Aaron stifled their laughter, Cal disappearing for a moment before returning with a pair of small briefs, and tossing them at Aaron’s head.

Frankie stood, shamelessly naked and looked at Eddie as he worked on putting his feet in the leg holes. Eddie noticed the marred burn scars trailing down the boy’s shoulder and arm. Eddie averted his eyes to the tabletop, an etched face in the wood staring back at him with a downturned mouth. Frankie, now properly covered, then turned to Aaron. “Will you read me later?” He asked with difficulty in his R and L sounds.

Aaron feigned a groan as he stretched, “Oh? I s’ppose.” He drawled, and ruffling the boy's brown hair that stuck out every which way, resembling Junior’s, now that he thought about it.

Terry and Tommy were shaggy little menaces, their bushy bangs reaching well below their eyes, their smiles wide and silver capped. They were currently turned towards the staticky television, their hands pushing their bangs back to see the screen.

Eddie assumed Junior looked like their dad, the youngest boys resembling him the most, while the older kids favored Honey. But it was obvious they all belonged to the same people.

Aaron and Janie were the only two with deep dark hair, resembling each other the most at first glance.

Cal favored his oldest sister the most, through and through. His eyes were the same shade of gray while Aarons were brighter and bluer like Janie’s.

Honey’s eyes always seemed gray and heavy, though they never lacked depth, containing a story to be told about whoever had stolen the light from behind them. Nevertheless, Eddie always loved the color gray.

It was then her eyes fell on him, and his place at her table. “Hi.” She said in her southern drawl, managing a shy smile in his direction.

Eddie smiled back unabashedly, fighting the urge to stand up to greet her properly. “Hey, Honey.” Is all he managed, too enthralled with her eyes on him to realize how gooey and dreamy he might’ve looked himself.

Cal noticed before Aaron as he settled back down in the seat next to him, nudging his brother with his elbow and nodding to the scene. Aaron glanced at Eddie, who was still smiling dumbly at his sister, too wrapped up in her attention to notice when he turned to share a snicker with Cal.

Janie kneeled in her seat next to Cal, setting various cups of ice onto the table. “S’there tea and lemonade?” She asked her sister, though Honey didn’t notice, still stuck on Eddie as she stepped through to the kitchen.

“Honey!”

“What??” She bumped into the cabinets and finally looked at Janie. “—yeah, in the fridge, Y’know that.” She ducked down into the fridge to pull out the two pitchers and set them on the counter. Cal and Aaron picked up their cups and walked to the pitchers, Eddie following suit.

“I’ve been lookin’ forward to this tea all day.” Junior groaned as he entered the room with a wet head and clean clothes, a towel still slung around his shoulders as he walked past the table and grabbed a cup, joining the crowd gathered by the refreshments.

Aaron and Cal fell into conversation that blended in with the rest of the chatter as Eddie found Honey again, except she was setting the food out on the table and getting the youngest kids back in their seats— or cushions. Frankie and Randy sat in their places across from Janie and Cal, sword fighting with their forks as Honey settled the baby next to her place at the end of the table.

Next to Eddie.

He blushed at the realization, and smiled at her when she glanced at him with her own flushed cheeks.

“Y’all knock it off.” Junior said from the kitchen, Terry and Tommy dropping their forks on their plates with stifled smiles that showed they weren’t afraid of a little trouble. Eddie and Honey chuckled and met eyes again, the moment feeling shorter than it really was.

Cal cleared his throat, twice, before his sister looked up at his and his siblings expectant and waiting faces. Honey crinkled her brow and shook her head, “What?” She whispered, clueless.

Junior takes a seat on a short stool at the other end of the table and sets down Frankie and Randy’s plates, stirring the pasta and meat entree and blowing as if he were the big bad wolf, oblivious to the googly eyes set on his sister.

“Can we… eat?” Aaron asked with raised brows, his eyes flickering between his friend and his sister. Honey’s shock was gone in a second, only flashing across her face briefly before nodding profusely, “Yeah! Yes—eat. There’s enough to go ‘round but don’t get greedy.” She looked at Aaron, piling three dinner rolls on his plate before he passed the basket to Eddie. Honey reached over and snatched one off her brother's plate, leaning over Eddie as she did.

“Oh, c’mon!” Aaron whined, mouth full of roll as he whined. Eddie snickered and snuck a glance at Honey, her eyes shining playfully in a way he hadn’t seen before, her smile parting to lick the top of the roll and then bite into the buttery fluff she'd been dying to eat since she popped them out of the can.

Eddie couldn’t help but notice how long her tongue was. Or how white her teeth were. And the way her lips bunched when she chewed.

How he wanted to see her lips do different things.

Eddie took a generous sip of his tea, not noticing how Honey’s eyes lingered on his bobbing adams apple. He filled his plate as the dishes came around, not having a home cooked meal like this as far as he could remember. Sure, he’d had hamburger helper, but he never had it served with mashed potatoes and gravy, roasted vegetables, and warm oven baked rolls. The sweet tea was ice cold and so sweet he thought he might fall into a sugar coma later.

Honey had made enough food for every belly to be filled. She waited until the scrapes of silverware against the ceramic plates sounded to scoop her servings. Eddie glanced over to see her portions so measly he wrinkled his nose at it.

Junior asked the kids to tell him something good about their day and something they learned about at school. Honey turned to the baby, spooning mashed potato’s into their mouth. Janie launched into a story about the new friend she made at the library, while Eddie scooped up a mouthful of pasta and plopped it onto her plate. Honey just missed it, checking her plate and then looking at Eddie with suspicion before turning her attention back to Janie’s story.

“Her names Erica! She’s in my grade but we don’t have any classes together, well, we have lunch! So maybe I’ll have someone to sit with now!” Janie shined. Honey smiled at that and nodded, ready to say something until she heard it again, another plop.

Her eyes darted to his in shock as he repeated the action, another mouthful onto her plate. “What’d’ya think you’re doin?” She whispered, turning as the baby fussed for another bite. “Bi! Bi!” They urged with an open mouth leaning towards the spoon before successfully wrapping their mouth around it.

“Your plate is pitiful.” He remarked, another mouthful on her plate.

She gaped at him. Eddie scooped a mouthful of potatoes onto his fork and took a bite, meeting her eye again before he rolled his eyes dramatically. “So freaking good—you should try some.” He garbled. Honey giggled at him, Janie giving Honey the side-eye for giggling out of turn as she talked.

“—and we were assigned our books for the semester, but I dunno about it all that much.” She stabbed her roast carrots on her fork.

“What is it?” Cal asked.

“S’called The Hobbit by some guy—“

“Tolkien! That’s my favorite book! You have Mr. Freeman?” He asked, nodding with her when she did, “He was awesome, he made us read it back in middle school, it’s really good. I’ve read it like 7 times since but that’s probably down playing it.” Eddie smiled, looking around the table as he spoke before he looked over at Honey. Her eyes sparkled as she listened to him, taking a bite of the food he insisted she eat more of.

Janie looked more hopeful about the assignment after Eddie’s review of the book, the conversation falling onto Terry and Tommy as they spoke about rock wars at recess, cleaning chalkboards and erasers for their rock wars, and long division.

“I’s just mindin’ my business when Jacob come walkin’ up to us and kicked my tower over.” Terry explained.

“Yeah, and I didn’t like that shit.” Tommy added.

“Thomas!” Honey scolded with red cheeks.

“M sorry, please don’t whoop me!” He whined.

“Boy, I ain’t gonna hit you, jus—eat your dinner.” She clipped, stabbing another carrot onto her fork. The boys turned their faces back to their plates, scooping up mouthfuls of food to clean their plates.

The baby shoved every piece of food into their mouth, a ring of potatoes and cheese on their cheeks and nose. Eddie smiled at the baby’s light eyes. To his surprise, the baby smiled back with milky teeth and a throaty laugh, smearing their messy hands around their belly.

“Look at ‘em.” Janie muttered to Cal and nodded to the baby, “James Harrison, what’re you doin? Gettin all messy for the bath?” She asked in a small voice that made Baby James cackle. The whole table giggled.

Honey used her napkin and wiped James’s mouth the best she could before cleaning his hands. “Janie will you run his bath, please.” Honey asked without asking. Surprisingly, Janie was compliant and scooped the baby up to take to the other room.

Aaron used his last roll to wipe his plate clean before biting chunks out of it. Honey sat with her knees to her chest as she listened to Cal talk about his first weeks as the youngest freshman, meeting a group of nice kids that were in the A.V. Club that invited him to sit at their table for lunch.

“You think I could hang out with them after school sometime?” Cal looked at Jun first before Honey, though he kept his hopeful eyes locked on his sister. They sat for a moment as she thought for a minute before nodding.

“I guess so. They seem alright?” She asked, looking at her plate again. Cal nodded earnestly, “Total nerds, all of ‘em.” He insisted. Honey chuckled and nodded. “Okay, then. You can hang out with the nerds. Just call me to tell me where you are and when it’s time to come pick you up.”

Cal nodded and ate a few more bites of pasta before launching into a new formula he learned in math. Eddie didn’t miss the way Honey’s eyes lit up the way they did. She leaned forward on her fist to listen intently, nodding along when Cals eyes fell on hers as he talked about algebra I and letters mingling with numbers and how it fascinated him.

Honey shook her head in proud disbelief, looking down into her empty cup as Aaron began talking about their time in Mr. Gregory’s shop class.

“A kid nearly took his eye out with a nail gun today! Who was that guy, Ed, Richard somethin?”

“Ritchie—“

“Ritchie! Yeah! That guy don’t know up from down. Nail when clear through the ceiling, it was awesome.” He chuckled as Jun rolled his eyes.

“I said something you learned, dumbass.” Jun chided.

“Duh, I learned nail gun safety!”

She stood to fill her glass, listening as Aaron mentioned the class giggling at his accent in English when he was called to read aloud. “It was embarrassing at first, but this girl—this beautiful, beautiful girl, Pamela DiSantis— turns to me and tells me she thinks it’s cute.” He gushed to Honey, sinking into his chair with pink cheeks.

Eddie chuckled and nudged the boy's arm, “I heard from Carla and Chrissy that she was talking about you at practice too.” He smirked as Aaron clutched his heart and swooned, the table erupting with giggles.

Honey chuckled weakly before picking up her clean plate and taking it to the sink, slipping out the front door without a word.

It took Eddie a moment to notice she wasn’t sitting next to him anymore, let alone not in the house. Aaron had begun picking up all the plates and scraping them off when Eddie joined him, placing his own cleared dishes in the sink and grabbing the last few. Junior walked over to the middle of the table, reaching under and unlatching a clasp before it popped apart into the two pieces Eddie saw them carrying in about a month ago.

Aaron started running hot water into the sink, eying the pots on the stove as Eddie spoke, “Think I’m gonna step out for a smoke, s’that alright?”

Aaron raised his brows and glanced out the open door and back to his friend with a smile. “Sure, man. Go for it! Hold on—“ Aaron fluffed Eddie’s hair and dusted off his shoulders until he swatted his hands away and rolled his eyes to hide his blushing cheeks.

“Okay, okay!” He fussed, weakly slapping Aaron’s hands away.

“Go get her, slick.” Aaron said, flicking soapy water at Eddie’s back as he walked away.

Junior watched the exchange wearily, his jaw clenched as he debated taking a smoke break himself.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Honey hated that she was feeling this way again.

She hated how sensitive she could be.

It was beyond her that physical pain didn’t ache this deeply. Blows to the head didn’t make her this dizzy. It bothered her, that she had no idea what to call this feeling. Or how to make it go away.

She lit her cigarette as soon as she stepped out onto the porch, puffing three quick times and not wincing away when the smoke stung her eyes and made them water up.

She plopped down on the step and ran a hand over her face with a deep sigh, resisting the urge to dig her nails into her palms or thighs the way she had as an angry child.

She settled for biting her nails as she stared at the grass and thought about what pretty girls Carla and Chrissy must be. She wondered how they did their hair, if they wore the skirts she wishes she could afford, if they went to the mall after school to look at clothes and boys. If they were smart.

She wondered how many girls talked to Eddie every day at school. And how many of them he said the same sweet things to. How many of them he shared cigarettes with and called sweetheart.

He only said their names, that they were talking about Aaron. She reminded herself, taking a drag and wiping her eyes as she heard the familiar pop and clank of Junior taking apart the dinner table, and the squeak of Aaron turning on the faucet.

She sighed in relief at the thought of him cleaning up without being asked, hoping he doesn’t throw out the leftovers again, but was too tired to care enough to rush back in to set out the Tupperware.

The tired screen door jolted Honey from her thoughts, “Hey, there.” Eddie said softly as he stepped onto the porch, closing the door behind him. Honey turned in an instant, his footfalls growing nearer until he sat in a chair on the porch to light a cigarette.

“Hi.” She smiled, the ache fading. He pulled the chair next to him closer and patted it. She obliged immediately, which Eddie loved.

She looked him over as she got comfortable, his long legs somehow looked sexier as he sat, his knees slightly bent and spread. He must’ve caught her looking cause the next thing out of his mouth was, “See something you like?”

She was stunned at the question, her mouth trying to form all the defenses she could, but none came to mind.

What's so wrong with a little flirting? She wondered. He is flirting with me right?

She nodded instead and averted her gaze to her hands. Eddie scooted his chair closer to her with a lit cigarette between his lips. He took it away and exhaled. “Oh, I see… tell me about it then.” He nodded and waited for her answer as she puffed a couple times. “Clamming up on me now? Cat got your tongue?” He teased.

Honey glowered with a smile nagging at her lips, “No, I just—I uh, I like… your clothes.” She muttered.

Eddie bit the inside of his cheek to conceal his growing smile. “Thanks, babe—like yours too.” He said more cooly than he felt and winked. He stole a long look at her legs stretched out in front of her, scarred and bruised in some places.

“Y’know, letting me stay for dinner is just about the same as feeding a feral cat? I’m just gonna keep coming back now.” He nudged her shoulder, his dimpled smile coaxing her own out of her.

Honey shook her head and took a drag. “Well, whenever you wanna meal.”

“Don’t tell me that, Honey, I’m a weak and hungry man.” He chuckled at the lift of the corners of her mouth before they fell again. He glanced down to her hands, her cigarette cradled between her little fingers, her once healthy and polished nails now short, chipped and jagged. He knitted his brow.

“You okay, Honey?” He asked quietly.

“Mhm!” She nodded around her cigarette, “I’m good! It’s been a good week. A really good week.” She reminded herself with another nod. A tether tugging in Eddie’s gut told him she was lying, but didn’t have any reason to believe otherwise so he nodded.

“That’s great.” He nodded.

This is so stupid. He whined internally.

“How was school?” She asked.

Eddie groaned and leaned back, “The usual torture, y’know, iambic pentameter, decimals and fractions, the ever stupid and useless Pythagorean theorem.” He rolled his eyes.

Honey tilted her head in confusion, her eyes seemingly vacant though she was panicking behind those beautiful eyes. Eddie’s eyes widened before he leaned forward, “English and math are hard for me. Along with science and history and everything else. I’m barely scraping by, actually.” He felt a pang of guilt in his chest.

She nodded her head as the tension eased. She put out her cigarette and for a moment he worried she would leave again. Instead she turned in her chair to face him better. “Could you tell me?”

“What?” Eddie asked with quiet alarm.

“What’s.. iambic pentameter mean?” She asked quietly.

Eddie could only stare back for a moment before clearing his throat and answering. “Uh, well, it’s uh… S’like…” he took a puff to buffer and blushed when she chuckled. He smiled, comfortable in embarrassment, “—See I told you, I’m not good at school!” He shook his head and continued to struggle for the right words, but met her eye when he heard the sound of her soft laughter. Immediately his thoughts stopped, his heart pinching when her eyes flicked to him behind the cigarette.

He felt the dumb smile tug on his lips as he stared unashamed. She pulled her knees to her chest as her cheeks flushed. “What?” Her smile still lingered as she ducked to hide a little behind her bent knees.

“Oh, uh.. nothin’— just uh—” He shrugged it off casually as he lost all remaining bits of his facade, flaking apart the longer she smiled at him and laughed at his foolishness. Being laughed at never felt so good before.

“—Saw something you like?” She asked daringly just above a whisper. Eddie chuckled and blushed, pressing his lips together to keep from smiling as wide as he wanted to. He failed as he nodded and leaned forward.

“Yes, ma’am.”

She took a long breath in and out to steady herself and bit back her smile. “Tell me more.. about school.”

“Tell me more about you.” He countered. She quirked an eyebrow at him.

“You didn’t answer my question yet!” She shot back, leaning back in her seat and taking a drag. Eddie’s eyes gleamed at her playfulness.

“Iambic pentameter…” he thought with searching eyes, “It’s…like a way to write poetry. Like a rhythm you follow or something.” He shrugged, “Your turn.”

“I… uhm,” she sighed, suddenly rigid. Eddie softened, the playfulness fading away.

“You said you like to be outside?” He offered. Her eyes caught his, questions forming behind glossy crystalline eyes. She nodded, “Yeah, yeah, of course.” She chuckled.

Eddie smiled, “What else do you do outside?” He handed her his cigarette.

She smiled as a thought hit her, “I like to garden, plant flowers an’ all.” She nodded and smoked. Eddie smiled, because of course she would.

“Ooh, are you gonna have flowers in the spring?” He asked with an interested smile. He could already picture her long hair tied up while she spent time weeding and mulching— bare knees on the grass and hands stained with soil clinging to her fingernails.

“I sure hope so!” She smiled in wonder, “Tulips, begonias, marigolds, roses, ugh. And all the colors!” She gushed.

For a moment Honey forgot about the girls and even the worries following her from Oklahoma. Eddie listened intently and asked little questions about planting just to see her eyes widen and make more words come out of her mouth.

But then a white Pontiac pulled up to Eddie’s trailer, the top down and stuffed full of cheerleaders and letterman’s.

Eddie sighed, “Shit.” and stamped out his cigarette. “I have some business to attend to, sweetheart, but will you be here when I get back?” Eddie asked with a small pout and puppy dog eyes. She looked nervously from him to the waiting car, Eddie whined and gave a pathetic “Pwease?” that made her grin until her eyes almost closed. She pushed his shoulder with her hand.

“Yeah, I will. Go on now.” She answered softly with a tensed smile, unable to look at him and looking ahead at the trailer across from their lot instead. Eddie’s eyes softened as he nodded at her, “I’ll be right back.” He stood up and took large strides towards his home with his hands shoved in his pockets.

Honey didn’t miss the way two cheerleaders hopped out of the car, smiles on their faces as they bounced over to Eddie with eager greetings. She glanced to the rest of group in the backseat, the remaining boys looking at her shamelessly and exchanging murmurs.

She knew their kind, too well. She hardened her face and took another heavy drag on Eddie’s cigarette before closing her knees and drawing them to her chest, suddenly aware of how short her shorts were.

Her eyes darted back to Eddie, hearing his easy laughter as he held the door open for the girls walking inside. He didn’t spare her a glance as he followed them, the ache in her chest blooming again.

“Hey, cutie!” The boys whooped and hollered to Honey. She didn’t look their way at first, opting to take a drag instead. “What’s a pretty little thing like you hanging around the likes of the freak?” A blond boy hollered, catching her attention at the mention of Eddie. The guy hopped out of the car, two more of him following as he approached her.

Honey hopped up and turned to walk back inside, “Oh, c’mon, I just wanna talk! How come I haven’t seen you around before?” He asked before she spun around, letting the door snap shut before she grabbed the abandoned shovel from Terry and Tommy’s hole digging.

The boys let out amused chuckles, staying on the grass before the first step to the porch. She clenched her jaw and stared the boy down. “I’m new.” She gritted.

The boy nodded, “You, uh, you goin’ to Hawkins High?” He asked as his eyes raked her over again, his friends snickering behind him.

She shook her head no, looking to Eddie’s door again, willing it to open any second. “You should come hang out with us.” The boy said, the other boys agreeing. “Got some drinks, some snacks, getting some party favors from Munson… gonna go down to the lake to swim later. Do you like to swim?”

He seemed almost genuine, Honey almost answered his question, but before she could answer, the screen door behind her busted open, Aaron charging outside with Jun hot on his heels. “What the fuck are you doing here?” Aaron asked with bile on his tongue.

The boy looked surprised when he saw Aaron behind Honey. “Oh my gosh, Aaron Haller! Why am I not surprised to see you here of all places?” The jocks snickered yet again, the scene being good fun for the likes of them.

“I asked ya a question, Jason.” Aaron took a step forward before Honey blocked the way and Jun placed a firm hand on his shoulder.

“Nope, nope.” Jun muttered quietly, as if to say ‘not yet.’

Jason turned his attention back to Honey, “To answer your question, Aaron, I’m here to pick up from Munson. But you should know all about that don’t you, farm boy?” He asked, mocking his accent.

Honey scrunched her brows and looked to Eddie’s trailer, where the girls were emerging with a fairly large brown paper bag in hand, Eddie behind them, smiling until he followed their line of sight. His eyes were wide when he saw her, clutching her shovel and looking like a wild animal backed into a corner.

“Jason!” The blondest girl shouted from the car, “Quit messing around, we got the stuff.” The two girls looked at Honey once more before exchanging words and smiling to one another, it made Honey’s stomach churn. Jun sighed and turned to the door, disappearing inside.

“That’s enough.” Eddie muttered, shoving his way between Jason and Honey on the stairs, the boys retreated slowly as if they didn’t even want to risk touching him, except Jason.

“Why don’t you let her tell me that?” Jason asked, his eyes back on Honey.

Her mouth opened to respond, but Eddie was faster, a mocking chuckle leaving his smile before he said, “You think she’s holding a shovel for fun? Get outta here, man, you got your stuff, now get lost.” Eddie’s jaw was clenched as he waited, wondering if this was about to turn as bad as he suspected it would.

“Last time I checked this isn’t your property, freak.” He spat.

Just as Eddie was going to speak, the door burst open, hitting the side of the house to reveal Jun looking more tired than anything as he held a broken over shotgun at his waist, casually sliding shells inside, “Yeah? Well, it’s mine,” he racked it, Aaron yanked Cal and Janie backwards against the house at the sound, “—so get the fuck out.”

“—Honey?” Terry rasped through the screen as he rubbed his tired eyes. Janie made a break for the door, scooping up the boy and wordlessly running into the house to lock the door behind her. The sound made Jason almost shiver.

Jason stared at him with wide eyes, fear filling them before they eased as of a realization came to him, making him chuckle half heartedly. “D-Do you know who I am?”

“I don’t care who your daddy is, you little shit.” He raised the gun, “I ain’t afraid of another charge. I suggest you get a move on.” Jun warned one last time. “One…” He started.

Jason stood, the only one still left on the patchy lawn. Jun cocked his brow at him daringly.

“Jason, come ON!” Another girl shrilled.

Jason swallowed hard at the vague threat. “Just trying to be friendly, sir, that’s all.” He raised his hands as he retreated to the car.

“I’ll see you around.” Jason muttered, his eyes not leaving Honey’s until he was in the car, driving away.

No one moved until the car turned onto the main road, then Honey sighed and dropped the shovel with a heavy clunk.

“Fuck, Jun, you didn’t have to pull a gun on em!” Honey scolded at her brothers back, the man knocking in a set rhythm before the locks clicked and the door opened back up to reveal Janie’s tear stained cheeks. “You really wanna be that family here too? You want people to think you’re a criminal??”

“And what, let ‘em get comfortable on the porch? Not everyone that turns up on our step is the welcome wagon, Honey!” Jun hollered as he unloaded the gun, letting the shells clatter to the floor.

“I didn’t say that—I coulda handled it!” She followed him as he went to hang up the gun on the wall.

“Yeah, sure looked like it, were you planning on using that shovel or?”

“If you would’ve given me a chance to—“

“Jason Carver doesn’t take no for an answer.” Eddie piped up by the open door, his arms crossed in front of him as he leaned against the frame. Aaron nodded. Everyone’s eyes were on Eddie.

“He may seem real nice and all, but when he isn’t with his girlfriend,” Eddie stared into Honey’s eyes, “He’s with anyone else.” The words were sour even at the sound. The phrase burned Honey’s chest.

Anyone else.

“Thanks.” She said dryly, her tone cutting through Eddie and making him almost flinch. “Janie, will you put Terry back in bed?”

“Aaron’s gonna read to all us.” Terry said into his sisters shoulder as she walked, the older boy sighing and walking along reluctantly, tossing Eddie a ‘be right back.’

“I’m gonna hit the hay.” Jun said, walking down the hall to his room.

Then it was just Honey, Eddie, and Cal, standing in thick silence. Cal cleared his throat and made an excuse about homework before escaping to his room with the boys.

Honey sighed when she heard the door shut and finally took a peek back up at Eddie. His eyes were already on hers with concern. “Are you okay?” He asked.

She nodded unconvincingly, “Yep. ‘M fine.” She unfolded her arms taking a couple steps back, Eddie spying the slight tremor she had in her hands.

“I don’t believe you.” He whispered, taking a step closer, daring to catch her hand as she turned. Her eyes snapped to his again, her heart pounding in her throat. “Those guys—those guys can get very scary, very fast, you know what I mean?” He asked gently. Honey’s eyes softened as she nodded understandingly.

“I know you’re tough, Honey.” He stepped closer again, still not dropping her hand, “I know you can handle your own. Hell, if I needed someone to fight, you’re the first person I’d think of— don’t tell Aaron I said that.” He joked, smiling a bit when her frown cracked from its place. “But I don’t want, uh, I don’t want Jason Carver—or anyone else— messing with you—guys. So if anyone starts shit with you, you tell me. Okay? You tell me.” He nodded, moving to bring his hand up to her cheek until she flinched away.

Eddie’s mouth parted with a gasp before she yanked her hand back, stepping into the kitchen and wiping her face with her hands as she assessed the dinner mess. She nodded, “Yeah, uh, I will. I’ll let you know, Eddie. Thanks.” She glanced at him as she opened the fridge, putting on a semi-convincing smile before she ducked to grab the lunch meat, bending at the waist.

Eddie watched the fabric stretch over her ass as she did, but the sight didn’t bring him joy the same way it always did. A heavy sigh escaped him before she shut the fridge and opened a cabinet, pulling out stacks of Tupperware and brown paper bags. “Thanks.” He said dejectedly.

He watched her work in silence before walking up behind her, closer than he’d ever been before. He placed his hand on the counter next to hers. She smelled him before she felt him behind her, the heady sweet smoke following him and making the back of her mouth tingle with want. “Honey, are—are we okay?”

Honey looked at his hand first, debating on slipping her fingers through his right there to tell him what was on her mind. About the pretty girls that made her feel bad about herself, about the weird, scary way Jason looked at her. She wanted to tell him a lot of things. She put down the spoon but didn’t turn, their fingers brushing but not overlapping just yet. She sighed as words failed her and settled for “Course we are.” instead.

Eddie’s eyes looked sad when she finally peeked up at him. He shook his head ever so slightly, “I don’t—“ the sound of a bedroom door opening jolted them apart, Eddie stepping back to lean against the sink while Honey returned to her leftovers, boxing the last of it up for Jun’s lunch.

Aaron came out of the hallway with a sigh, “Dr. Seuss never lets me down. S’like magic sometimes, don’t you—” He stopped just short of the kitchen, looking at his sister and then Eddie, “What’s up? We good?”

The pair nodded and confirmed, “Yeah! Great!”

“Absolutely.”

Aaron looked less than convinced before he flopped on the couch, “Alright, weirdos.”

“I’m gonna go.” Eddie said, turning for the door.

“See ya, man.” Aaron said as he looked around for the remote. Honey was setting out all the bread she’d need for the kids sandwiches when she looked back to sneak a peek.

When her eyes landed on the door, she found him waiting for her with one foot in and the other on the porch, his eyes set on her, “Bye, Honey.” He said in the quiet, dreamy way he always did sending a little wave her way. He waited for her to say something back— for that assurance.

She sighed before her face softened, “Bye, Eddie.” She wiggled her fingers the way he did, turning back around before he could spot the blush and smile blooming again on her face no matter how much she bit it back. She shook her head at herself as the warmth faded into that ache again, and slapped some mayonnaise on the white bread.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

The next day at lunch, Aaron flopped down in his chair next to Gareth, digging out his sack lunch from his bag as he voiced his loud opinion on the schools ‘no hats’ policy, then tossed another to Eddie at the end of the table.

Eddie looked at the boy like he had two heads, “What’s this?” He opened the top and peered inside.

“Sister sent it for you.” Aaron said through a garbled mouthful of sandwich, bouncing his eyebrows suggestively. Eddie dumped the contents out on the table, a ham and cheese sandwich, a ziploc bag of chips, a small red apple and a Twinkie. He smiled to himself before he noticed the yellow sticky note still stuck inside the bag.

“No fair! She gave you a Twinkie and I got a ding-dong, what the fuck!” Aaron complained, looking at his own lunch. The guys chuckled and made awful ding-dong jokes as Eddie carefully extracted the note from the bag without drawing attention. He took a bite out of the apple and looked to the paper in his lap, only to find a simple smiley face looking back at him.

-

-

-

💖Taglist darlins (please lmk if you wanna be added or taken off!) 💖

@gaysludge @feminist-mina-harker @superbcoffeedrinkersubparwriter @superbreblogger @dylanmunson @miarosso @madmaxoolitchi @bimbobaggins69 @cherrycolas-things @big-ope-vibes @k8loo @loving-and-dreaming @jadequeen88 @josephfakingquinn @v0relino @newshade

[pastriibunz]

me and @local-soda-can are gonna start outlining Nerdy Prudes Must Die Kai soon and here are a few ideas I had for that

can you guys tell i love inserting Kai’s name into the titles???

Kai comes in before/after/during literal monster holding a map of the school (the police or something forcibly enrolled her and now she has to go to school) and she’s just completely confused and lost

Max does the whole “this is my hallway!!” thing and Kai’s like “fun fact I literally do not care” and he pisses her off so much she kicks him in the balls- she meets the rest of the prudes while on the run from various teachers who’re trying to expel her or something

Kai was in the Waylon Place night of the prank to try and relax and get away from the chaos of Hatchetfield. There isn’t a sign of anyone breaking in bc Kai knows how to pick locks. Kai hangs out there a lot.

She walks in on them looking at Max’s (almost) dead body and is like “woah you guys killed that guy!!! ö haha I’m gonna go call the cops on yall I’m OUT!!!”

…Grace then blackmails her into helping bury/hide the body because she threatens to pin everything on Kai (bc Kai breaks in and shit)

Theres this scene with max and kai im making into a comic that has something to do with snickers and it needs to be real because it’s silly and also it makes way for this idea:

Kai hangs out with Max’s ghost a lot and she vents to him about how much she hates the prudes, how she wants to get back to Unington, and other shit

They like sending videos to the prudes group chat (that Kai was forcibly added into) that make it seem like Max is about to kill Kai and she always texts the dumbest shit after like “phew!!! made it out okay!!! gee, let’s hope that doesn’t happen again!”

They laugh their asses off about it

Kai has no friends during the run of NPMD

she hates the prudes for getting her involved in a manslaughter/murder,

she has no clue if max is her friend or if he’s only keeping her around for the snickers bars,

And everyone else is too in love with afraid of her to even get near her

It kinda hurts but she’s learning to deal with it

KAI RIZZ KAI RIZZ KAI RIZZ

that shit is STRONG guys

she got that Wattpad MC rizz

she does not want it-

she is either oblivious to it or painfully aware

no in between

She’s been bunking with Paul

They met on the street and they talked for a bit and Kai was like “yeah my hotels about to kick me out lol” and he was like “oh you can stay with me”

He doesn’t know why he said that, maybe it was just meant to be.

Anyways Kai agreed and Paul is the biggest dad ever

He asks her how school was and he cooks dinner for them and they snuggle on the couch and have movie nights

They have to share a bedroom but he got her dividers and turned the bottom of the closet into a hangout nook for Kai so it’s like she has her own little room

everyone keeps dragging Kai everywhere by the wrist- she does NOT wanna be there-

Kai keeps talking to the audience in front of everyone and she interacts with the audience a lot

For example, she crumples up and tosses her map to someone in the audience and finger guns and winks at them afterwards

She gets like a gazillion love notes a day-

she gets so angry she just eats them-

nobody knows why and they’re just like:

“Aw she’s silly :]”

“I LITERALLY HATE ALL OF YOU”

“I’m soooo in love with her :3”

“IM GOING TO KILL ALL OF YOU”

in the words of my pal:

“she’s so perfect :3333

(she is going to go feral-)”

All of Kai’s classes have at least one prude in them

Kai kinda wishes she had friends and tries to talk to people, but she’s so autistic, socially awkward, and anxious she either ends up shutting down, staying quiet, or insulting them

Kai goes to the sports games purely for the food and hides in the bathroom the entire time (the crowds and lights overstimulate her)

Kai hangs out at beanie’s a lot

She’s still Emma’s favorite customer.

She accidentally calls her Mom a lot.

Emma loves it every time.

It often goes uncorrected.

If Kai is alive for homecoming, she’s going there WAY overdressed-

she’s been homeschooled the majority of her life and has never been to a school dance-

she’s only been to like high class galas/parties so she thinks it’s like that

spoiler alert it is NOT

Kai is aware she’s in a musical

she really doesn’t wanna be in one but she knows

sometimes you can see her groovin uncomfortably to the music in the background

That’s all! Idk if I’m gonna script this one out as, like I’ve said before: TKWDLM has a special place in my heart and I’m not ready to move on

plus I’m still super hyperfixated on TKWDLM-

oki that’s all for now bye bye :3

[deanlighful]

this is a vent post feel free to ignore

so im basically trapped in my apartment. i live in a shitty low income apartment that hasn’t fixed or updated anything since the 70s

this monday the elevator got shut down for safety by the complaint that owns it. from what i can gather it legally can’t be turned on till they fix it. it was already breaking down multiple times a week so i’m not surprised.

however i’m in a wheelchair and don’t live on the ground floor. So i have especially been trapped since monday. you would think the apartment would have some plan for the many of us that are now trapped right?

of course they don’t. since it went down they’ve come by two times not with an update but with one water bottle and a small snack (like snack size chips). today there was not snacks no updated but they did fucking sing to me and take my rent. they also gave me 0 updates beside the fact that i might not get the packages of frozen meals because they’re only package in the office now during office hours. also even if they did get it that box is beyond heavy and i doubt the person in the office is gonna fucking trek it up all those flights of stairs!

to top it off i’m missing important doctors appointments i’ve wanted months and months. i also need to see a doctor asap for concerning symptoms.

they seem completely unconcerned that they have multiple disabled people trapped in their apartments with no plan or ETA.

i don’t think i’ve ever been this angry

[chronically-evie]

rant warning

my new therapist is so insistent on me doing exposure therapy that i can't talk about anything but my anxiety with him and i am diagnosed borderline so if i don't talk about this shit it's gonna turn into a giant split and ive been working so hard on not splitting on my boyfriend but i need a vent for it like i can't fucking bottle up all the dumb shit he's doing

it's not his fault that he has memory issues i KNOW it's not his fault but he doesn't ever fucking tell me what's going on

APPARENTLY his shitty ass best friend (treats him like garbage and is the most racist transphobic dick ive ever had the displeasure of meeting) has a birthday this weekend and he neglected to tell me until today. literally the day before. and i haven't seen him in two weeks either and we had plans. so i asked him why he didn't tell me and he said he didn't know it was happening. he has been friends with him since fucking KINDERGARTEN and he doesn't know his birthday? i genuinely think that's fucking bullshit.

his memory issues are not bad enough to that level, if anything they're more short term, and we've been dating a little less than a year and he knows my birthday.

and he's calling me unreasonable because im fucking pissed obviously i would be upset over this we've talked it over before and one of my main issues with him is communication like i NEED to know what is going on so i don't freak out and he never. fucking. tells. me.

like genuinely when he is out with friends he does not text me once and he says he'll be done within like 3 hours which is good and fine and then he's gone for 6. and doesn't text me once. not even like a single thought crosses his mind to maybe text me the simplest sentence?? "hey i'm gonna be gone an extra 3 hours i love you" would be fine. but he doesnt. and then i freak out bc i have panic hallucinations and i genuinely think he is dead and i spam call him and he texts me when he gets home acting as if im unreasonable and crazy and dramatic

and im not ALLOWED to be mad at him anymore because he dumped me a month ago and like said he didn't love me and shit bc i split on him and the only reason i got him to get back with me was saying i'll change bc he was mad about me getting upset over things that he does wrong so now every time i get upset over something i have to shut the fuck up because i don't want him to leave me

sorry for the rant im fucking pissed

[freckliephil]

Do you realize you have poc mutuals and it hurts that you have not said anything in support to the discussion, but instead said people should log off? People are mad but if you don't want to reblog vent posts you can still just... say the obvious, that people shouldn't be racist here. Otherwise saying you're not racist means nothing and does not make this space safer for anyone. And I really, really mean this in the most non-violent way possible. (Also fine if you don't answer this, just a heads-up anyway)

Im gonna be so fr right now and then im going back to work. Ive been on tumblr for 10 years. Ive been engaging in fandom for longer. i can say with complete confidence that fandom tumblr is not the hill to burn yourself out and die on re: activism and racial justice.

Its absolutely disgusting and unacceptable that poc phannies are getting sent slurs and anon hate. Idk how else to put it - it sucks and im disappointed its happening in a fan community im part of. But like, idk what exactly there is for anyone to do other than be aware of what you can, not be a dick, or log out? Like, idk what is being asked of me other than to not actively be a racist asshole myself?

Tumblr sucks, i fucking hate it here 80% the time, this place is a literal nightmare echo chamber and it’s hardly gotten better if at ALL in the decade ive been here. Idk if this is noticeable, but i really dont spend a lot of time here in general. I just started a full time job in a new field, i have partners and friends and a busy ass poly schedule that leaves me like 2-3 hours a day of downtime IF THAT. Sometimes i use that time to browse tumblr or shit post with my friends, but being active on tumblr and staying up to date on the goings on of people i dont know or talk to online is reaallllyyy not my priority. I literally dont read OR make posts on tumblr over 3 paragraphs as a pretty loose rule - this is not my news source, nor is it somewhere i want to go to read or engage in people’s tumblr brainrot induced lukewarm takes about real issues that require things like nuance and self awareness. I got a Gender studies degree for that. I have my real life community for that. Yall dont know me and i dont know you, and respectfully, im not getting paid to keep up with these things.

I fully stand by my statement that we should all just log out. I dont want poc phannies to burn themselves to the ground fighting with idiots who wont change, at least not in this setting or this context. I dont want people, either random white phannies trying to avoid blame OR dan and phil themselves, to put out half hearted statements about racism. This shit is serious, its complex, and it’s not something i personally can commit to changing or even keeping up with IN THIS CONTEXT. There are more pressing issues in the world we live in for me that have nothing to do with fandom or tumblr politics or fucking dan and phil. I’ll acknowledge that it fucking sucks, and im genuinely sorry to the poc phannies who are getting the shitty end of the situation as they often are. i dont want anyone to be run out of phannie tumblr nor do i think the solution to racism is to just go “oh well, people never change, time to give up and shut up” BUT i also really dont know what this call to action is really for if the issue at hand is…anon hate?? dan and phil not *maybe not going to latam or asia on a tour?? stuff dan and phil said a long time ago?? Like, correct me if im wrong, but those really aren’t issues in my control, and as much as i wish anyone’s words could have a real affect on them, they just wont. All you can do is reduce harm with the tools at hand - turn off anon, build community with people you trust and get to know them as people and not URLS, literally log of and go get some air, find communities you can have real dialogue and action within. Thats all i know how to cope, and all i can recommend doing.

Im not trying to be an ass or say this isn’t important, i just really dont think the answer to this issue is to go into people’s ask box and demand they say something when you literally dont know them or their lives. not everyone has endless time to engage in complex discussions on tumblr, and i really truly believe begging people to say SOMETHING is completely unhelpful when these issues are so sensitive. I really hope things change and i wish i had more time to actually get into it or form helpful, productive opinions other than this, but i dont.

[eric-the-bmo]

Blood and Silicon Ep5: The Dice Hate Us

[Summary: Blake and Leo decide to go check out the garage without Pauline. It doesn’t go well.]

Picking up from last episode, Blake goes off to feed from the woman Pauline brought in, leaving her and Leo alone in her office. There’s some silence, and eventually Pauline pauses from her typing (where she’s typing up all the information we gathered from the census quest) and lets Leo know that if anything is bothering him, he can talk to her about it. He holds his hands and says he just can’t tell her those things at the moment. She goes back to typing. Sebastian enters the room and asks Pauline for some time off, since college classes are going to be starting up eventually in the spring. She grants it to him, and he leaves. She goes back to transcribing the documents we got from Victor, and Leo pulls out his notebook to try and decipher some of the code he’d written down.

Blake returns from feeding and asks what they should do next; Leo suggests the garage and once again is immediately shut down. Blake offers to drive Leo home, and the two start to exit the club.

On the way out, Seb stops the two of them and recommends Leo change his wardrobe, since he doesn’t dress like everyone else at the club and is getting looks about it. Leo acknowledges this, drawing his coat closer around himself, and he and Blake exit the club and get into the Gangrel’s car.

Leo starts smoking a cigarette as they drive, and few minutes into the ride he realizes this isn’t the way to his apartment.

“Where are you taking me?” “...Somewhere I shouldn’t be.”

Leo is reasonably a bit terrified hearing that, but Blake is all “wait no hold on im not gonna kill you,” and it turns out they go to the garage of the Ashen Rose gang. There’s a chain link fence surrounding the perimeter, and a guard standing by the garage door entrance.

They get out of the car, and Blake asks Leo how long they should stake this out- Leo, a bit impatient from hunger, says “Or I could just do this” and turns invisible. Unfortunately, this causes him to gain a point of Hunger; His Beast begins yelling at him, and he tells it to shut up. Blake asks if he’s okay, but Leo ignores him and goes to investigate. His Beast tells him to go after the guard, she’s a Thinblood, won’t her blood taste great? He heavily considers this, but decides to stalk the perimeter of the chain fence to find an opening.

While trying to do this and be stealthy, Leo avoids kicking a can, and he’s very proud of himself, but then accidentally kicks a cat, which lets out a yell (and then knocks over a metal pipe!!!), and he’s like “oh god we fucked up,” and due to the hunger and anxiety of creeping around, he starts to dissociate because oh shit, oh my god they might get caught.

Trisha, the Thinblood guard, looks over and begins to head towards the sound; Blake realizes he should cause a distraction, and so he does a great impression of another cat.

Leo, still invisible, tries to continue finding a way through the fence, but ends up hitting the fence. His Beast goes full-paranoid- Leo fucked up, the guard is going to notice, they fucked up, they’re going to get caught oh god they should run- and so he runs away.

Smash cut to Pauline, still doing her paperwork. Sebastian enters her office and asks how long she’s been working with Blake and Leo [the answer is about a month for Blake, and only a few days for Leo]. He then asks if she’s certain she can trust them. Pauline responds that she can, and warns Sebastian to be careful.

Cut back to Leo. He’s stopped running now, as his paranoia has now worn off, but he’s still incredibly hungry. He goes off into the alleyways of the city, still invisible, and eventually finds an extremely drunken man sleeping behind a liquor store. He bites down and begins to feed, ending his invisibility.

Blake, not knowing that his companion ran off, tries to see if Leo had managed to make his way into the garage or not. He spots a vent on one side of the garage, and determines that no, Leo didn’t make it in, actually. He decides to wait and see if Leo will come back, and that he’ll go out and search for him after enough time has passed.

Meanwhile, Leo’s still been drinking the man’s blood, and is aware that if he continues to do so he’ll also get drunk. He doesn’t really care- in fact, part of him is looking forward to it. He drinks, and while his Beast is practically chanting at him to drain the man, and while he’s still a bit hungry, Leo pulls away so that he doesn’t end up breaking one of the Chronicle Tenants [The weak deserve protection]; and at this point he realizes he doesn’t know where he is. That’s fine; he can try and retrace his steps.

Blake decides to go find Leo, going down alleyways and whisper-calling his name. He eventually finds the Malkavian, and is relieved at this a bit, because 1) he found him, and 2) Leo being drunk at least means he fed, yknow? He asks Leo what happened and Leo responds that he got lost, and the two of them sit down. Blake asks how he’s feeling, which leads to an interesting interaction:

[”At least he’s not yelling at me anymore!” “??? Why would I yell at you?” “No, no, not you- J.” “...Is J still here with you?” (laughing) “He’s just not yelling at me anymore.”]

Blake gets Leo to look at him- letting him know he doesn’t have Pauline’s dominate abilities- and gets him to agree that they’re not going to tell her any of this; it stays between them. They head back to the car.

Inside, Leo asks Blade why he took them to the garage, since he seemed against it; Blake said it was his way of apologizing for being a stick in the mud (and also Leo needs to learn some lessons). Leo then asks what was up with the look Blake gave him after meeting with Victor (specifically, after Leo asked the Nosferatu to look into someone named Jeremiah). Blake says it just reminded him of his own past, and refused to elaborate any further. Blake sends Leo a text after dropping him off a few blocks from his apartment to make sure he got home safe.

The next night we meet up at the Asylum- Leo actually has on a black sweater this time to try and blend in better. Pauline’s printed out her documents and has put them all in a black folder. The trio heads to her office, and she calls up Zane the drug dealer, telling him she’s got someone interested in the drugs the Ashen Rose gang is selling. He says to go to the Northeast dealers, and warns her that their stuff is dangerous; also, it’s too early in the night for them to be out selling it at the moment. She thanks him and hangs up.

Blake and Leo somehow manage to convince Pauline to let them go check out the garage, and she’s all “okay, you wanna go so bad? fine.”

Pauline does not want to do this, but here we are, at the garage. Blake pretends to just now spot the vent, and he and Pauline try and do a “stand on the shoulders” thing to get Leo up there, but the dice continue to hate the players here, so even after two tries they’re unable to do this. Blake somehow ends up ripping the vent off its hinges, I think, which makes a Loud Noise. This, like the night before, alerts the guard.

Blake gets on the roof somehow???? Leo uses Obfuscate to hide, and Pauline waits. When the guard shows up, Pauline casts Dominate [”There was a thief here, but you scared him away. Everything is fine.”], and when the guard leaves she heads the other way.

Trisha the guard meets up with another gang member who wanted to see what was up, and the two get into an argument; because why would someone try to steal from this garage, as far as everyone knows nothing is in there?- they should change locations, the other guard is saying. Trisha is adamant it’s okay, since she scared the thief away. The other guard opens up the garage door; Leo sees his chance and goes in.

There's all sorts of alchemical stuff in there; tables with shelves and vials and weird components in jars, notebooks with alchemy equations/numbers, some of the weed the gang was making- but the main thing was this: There is a fridge laying on its back. Black tubes are running from it, dripping liquid into containers and running up to the alchemical equipment on the tables. Leo is certain there’s a vampire in there, perhaps, but is unable to check; The two gang members were in front of the open garage entrance, and doing something like that would cause the invisibility to end- and even if he were to do it again super quickly, it wouldn’t hide the fact that the fridge would be open.

However, Leo manages to grab some stuff (alchemical components, a notebook, some weed), and does the Quick Invisibility idea mentioned above for it. The trio all gets tf out of there and into the car, where Leo tells them about his Vampire Fridge theory. 

The session ends with the coterie heading over to meet Harrison at his bar- It’s time to give him the information they learned from the census interviews, and to receive their reward (aka, feeding territory so they can eat without trespassing/fear of getting staked)

[linaamm]

I need my therapist, but I can also vent to you guys.

In Norway, it's 2 am. right now, and I can't sleep. I need to study and prepare myself for this massive history test I have next week, but I just can't shut off my head. I can't turn off my thoughts. I keep thinking about everything I slowly keep forgetting in life. Does that make sense in any way?

You see, I'm 28 years old soon, and I have lived the longest life one possibly can imagine at such age. I've lost family to sickness. I've lost dear friends to drugs and violence. I myself have been a victim of brutal domestic violence, and I also lived through unnecessary, unspeakable violence from other people whom i didn't even know the name of.

I've been beaten, done heavy drugs, and I was placed in the system. I've almost died so many times. I've had cancer, countless OD's, and so much self-harm over so many years. I've also been in prison. The only man I ever truly loved with all my heart, who I knew for over half my life, died next to me. Many years later, I was married to a narsissist and thankfully got out.

These are just some of the things I've been so lucky to live through. There's more. I could write a whole book about my life, and I truly believe it would sell well, but I won't. Not because it hurts to think about it, because it does, but because I can't remember. At this point, it has become so much for me to bear that my memory shuts down completely. And even though things are good now and I live a beautiful life, doing good in school and having awesome people around me, it's too late. My brain can no longer keep hold of memories because of all the continuously heavy trauma over so many years. My brain can create new memories, but it let's go of them just as fast as it creates them. I'm not sure what that condition is called in English, but it looks a lot like dementia ("kognitiv hukommelsesvikt" in norwegian if someone is curious). IM 27 YEARS OLD DAMMIT.

I can gladly forget all the bad stuff. But it's not only the bad stuff that at some point will be gone forever. It's also the good stuff. Family vacations, various celebrations with good friends, peoples names and faces, the man I loved so FUCKING much. All the laughs, drinks, hugs, places, EVERYTHING will be gone at some point. I keep getting sadder and sadder because I keep noticing the small, beautiful things I forget in life on a daily basis, and it sucks.

Over the past 6-7 years, I've been writing journals. Almost daily. But not once I could make myself read some of them later on. And I keep lying here until 3 a.m., thinking, why, JUST WHY, do I even bother writing everything down when it's all gonna be gone from my memory at some point? If I were to read these journals again, it won't feel like my memories, it will just be someone's else sad life stories.

So I have no choice but to live in the moment. Accept it and just let go. But it's so fucking sad, and no one can do anything about it. It doesn't help with therapy. It doesn't help to talk about what hurts because i can't remember anymore. It's pitch black. It's only a strange, hurtful, but weirdly familiar feeling that I have that reminds me that all this fucked up shit has happened, nothing more. In a fucked up way, it's fine because I don't get flashbacks or nightmares or diagnoses like PTSD and stuff like that. My brain just shuts it out completely. We've tried to make me remember. The people in white coats tried so hard. But with no luck.

So that kept me up tonight. Shit I can't even remember.

If you red this far, thank you so much for your time. You may think it isn't much, but it really is. I always used to vent here when I first started using this platform, and it helped me so much. 💖

It's now 02:55

[scatterpatter]

Mnnngh art vent under the cut

I really miss when art was easy for me. It used to come so, so easy, even though I'd say my art wasn't as good as it is now. Like I'd def say I've improved, but its so much harder to get art out now than it used to be

I look back at the art I used to make and I seriously lament how easy it was. Even if it was just doodles, I could get so many out, I remember back in like 2019 i could often get at least one doodle out a day and it felt great. It was my outlet, my way I connected with others, the way I shared ideas and made stories, and now I feel that outlet has been practically severed and it really, really hurts

Artfight def hurts the worst. I was so excited for this year, so ready to reconnect with a lot of my friends and bond over silly AF attacks, and it was genuine! I didnt have any big plans this month other than just doing my job so I was so happy to do this. July last year was awful, I was in a horrifically abusive situation and that abuse reached its peak last July, I was in a bad bad place. But I've completely cut that abuser from my life and I'm in a much better space, so I really thought this July would be me turning things around

But as soon as I got a lot of attacks, I just- fucking shut down. I kept thinking on how much "make up revenges" I'd have to do and it got to the point where I'd get overwhelmed every time I picked up my tablet. What became "Hehe can't wait to make art for my friends!" Quickly spiralled into "Oh god I need to do so many revenges I cant keep up", and it just made me catatonic and I hate that. And the worst is that I know no one's exepcting me of anything, I dont have to revenge everyone, its all for fun- I know its just this expectation im putting on myself and im the only one disappointed in myself but I just cant stop how catatonic its left me and its really tough to deal with because ive only done 1 attack so far. Ive spent the entirety of July going "shit i need to work on attacks. Its ok ill do it later." And now its July 31 and ive only done one. I set a goal of doing at least ten. I thought ten wouldve been manageable, but I just cant do what I used to do and it really really hurts

And I keep being told that Im having a hard month. That works been stressful and working 40hr a week leaves me with significantly less free time than I had back in college, so of course i have less time/energy for art, but it still hurts because I dont. Feel like work has been that bad. Yeah its been bad but ive dealt with horrific stress before and ive handled it fine. I feel like if I go "its been a rough month" ill be saying that every month. And i dont want that. Im really healing and im getting in better places, I feel like still struggling this much doesnt feel "right". Hell my therapist just told me that i might be in remission or partial remission for my major depressive disorder. Like I have a professional telling me im getting better but I still struggle to do something that came so easily and it hurts really really badly.

Im gonna see what i can do for last minute attacks. Might not be great attacks, but i want to see if i can get something, anything out. It just hurts because i had so many ideas for my friends and I dont know what Ill be able to do for them and I feel horrible. I feel severed from them and from my main outlet of connecting with others.

And i know its just a sign of burnout or art block or mental illness or what the fuck ever. But I feel like ive been making too much progress in myental health to be struggling this hard. I love making art and i love artfight and sharing art with my friends but as soon as I try, I go completely catatonic and its really really hard because i used to be able to do this so easily and i want it to be easy again but I dont know what im doing wrong to still be struggling this hard

Idk bottom text

[romeowsblog]

The reason i cried that day and why it didn't stop .

I was on my way to pick up my brother, since my dad was busy so i offered, my mom wanted to visit her mother so i told her i will drive you there after i pick him up - two good things. I was doing good things, or at least i wanted to.

The next thing, an accident! A tractor hits the side of my car. Im shocked of course, i call my dad, im embarrassed, i try to hide it, im angry, i do nothing about it. - the car will take a week to fix , im told. Im frustrated. We get home, i decide to clean the stairs to do anything jist to get my mind off things. Im thankful for my dads support and sure things will be okay. I text my dad to ask what happened. My brother gets home with my car, he tells me they fixed it temporarily with a screw until they get the parts needed. Im frustrated even more because ibhave woork and i have to drive to uni and i dont know what im gonna do now and this is really not the right time, why me.

My dad calls me to explain the situation, he tells me they wont fix it until monday, and that i can drive to work with it in this state. I argue that it could be dangerous and that its okay, i can take a taxi until it's fixed. I fet yelled at for supposedly yelling and not speaking properly, i shut up after an "okay, you do what you think is good" because arguments and opinions are not allowed in this house.

I try to distract myself with a tv show and it works, until my dad gets home, he starts by yelling at me again and saying how he didn't like the way i spoke to him, i try to explain how i dont think driving to work would be the smartest idea and that it should be fixed asap even if it means me taking a taxi- i get yelled again because "do you see how you are yelling? Are you seeing yourself right now."

I shut up because i already feel dumb and hideous and every terrible feeling since this week has been hell already before all this shit and i have already been in so much mental and physical pain that i told no one about. My tears betray me. My parents stare at me as if im stupid. I shout "yes im crying "

"Why are you crying?"

" because i feel. Stupid, i have no idea what is going on and youre just yelling am i not allowed to cry"

"No, crying makes you weak, be strong. Why do you cry every time someone disagrees with you" (false i cry when he screams at me and i feel too weak to reply)

"I think i havent cried in front of any strangers, im allowed to cry at home, where else would i cry if not at home."

"Stop crying "

"Okay " i try and fail

My parents start talking about plans for tomorrow's lunch, im desperately craving a hug, soft words , qny type of comfort although i already know it wont come. Im the one who always comforts never the one being comforted. No matter the situation.

Dad turns to leave , i yell after him " at least dont go while youre angry at me"

"Im not angry, why would i be angry" he shouts again.

"Im just really frustrated and i know the accident is not my fault and i know i dont understand cars but id really like to understand "

Id also really like a hug but i think id pass out if i actually said these word out loud.

Dad leaves, mom acts as of nothing happened. I go to my room and cry , nobody checks on me, nobody asks, its ok. Im used to this but it still hurts. The next day my family acts as if nothing happened and at first its difficult but then i try to do the same. The third day im in pain, physical pain that is unrelated, so i refuse to go somewhere with me and i get yelled at because "we didnt always have cars, every time something happens to your car you treat us like its our fault" and "look at yourself in the mirror"

And im just so tired. Would it be too much to ask for someone who genuinely cares about me and will hug me when im sad without judging? I face so many tiring things daily things i really want to vent and speak about with someone but then i realise there is no one who would listen to me and genuinely care and will not end it with a lecture or cut to their own story and jist ignore me. I want to talk about my life but theres really no one to talk about t with.