#this is the tip of the iceberg for real i really do think it's their movie

[waywardted]

Believing in rom-communism is all about believing that everything is going to work out in the end... Now, it may not work out how you think it will, or how you hope it does, but, believe me, it will all work out.

[mechadria]

she's not "giving up love" or anything of the sort btw she'd be giving up polite society and connections to anyone in the ton, possible even her family.

colin talks this big talk of her trying to 'entrap' him because she didn't think to blurt out she was lady whistledown in the minutes between him chasing down her carriage, confessing his feelings, fingerfucking her, deciding they were marrying and going to announce it, but that was literally entrapment, whether he realises it or not (and i rather think he does).

if anyone had seen them get into or out of that carriage alone, penelope would have been RUINED. compromised for society. she would have been forced to marry him (which would only somewhat repair her standing) or retire from polite society for the REST OF HER LIFE (or be constantly slighted, insulted and avoided). it does not matter whether they'd had awkward talk or full on unprotected sex for an hour straight, she would have suffered the same consequences.

and she would have suffered these very same consequences had they called off the marriage. this is not a world where you say who broke up with who. or even a world where you say why. the Entire Ton would have decided that Penelope had tried to entrap and seduce a Bridgerton and he just found a way out. again, she would have been ruined and shunned from London. she would have been stuck leaving the people she knew and loved or staying in her mother's house, being mocked and disregarded ten times worse than ever before, with no prospects except maybe a disgusting old drunk (because that's what women who had rumours about their virginity fucking got).

and then, that's without even considering the fact that they'd had sex, and Colin isn't a fucking moron. he Knows there is a possibility that penelope is pregnant - that's why they hurry the wedding up, both in the book and the series. so when he accuses her of entrapping him - thus threatening her with either a life of misery on his arm or a life shunned by anyone she's ever known - he knows exactly what it would do to her if they broke the engagement and she did get pregnant.

Colin Bridgerton knew exactly the extent and violence of the threat he was making to Penelope when he accused her of entrapping him - in Several fucking Ways - and he did it because his feelings were a bit hurt and he fucking knew that he did, in fact, entrap her. he was lucky that Penelope loved him back, because otherwise exiting that carriage alone with him might have ruined her life, and he did not give her or her safety or her happiness a SINGLE thought when he entered that carriage.

the books are Not well written, lmao, don't get me wrong, but the writing on this show is somehow even more abysmal. colin's behaviour in that second half of the season is violent in a way all threats, suggestions, actions and comments men make in a society so hellbent on harming women, and you're supposed to think he's romantic and in love and just having a hard time? babes, it's the 19th century equivalent of punching the wall next to your face.

#this part almost broke me #penelope was willing to let him go #she couldn’t stand the thought of forcing him to stay married to her only out of honor #the way she says “your” instead of “our” family even though he had already referred to her as now a part of their family #she didn’t want him to feel trapped #she was willing to lose the love of her life so he could be happy #but HIS FACE says everything #he is surprised and a little pained #he almost looks amazed that she would even say it #because he never truly wanted to be without her #but i think her being willing to protect him made him love her even more #don’t look at me

[hoothootmotherf-ckers]

can people please stop filming the entire fucking world around them for public consumption? and especially random fucking strangers who you did not ask???

I work at a park and man the front desk. and I'm photographed and filmed a lot. I'm talking easily 20+ times per day. most of the times, it's parents filming me swearing in their kids as junior rangers. which. they're intending to film their kids. what they get is me and the back of their kids' heads.

there's this recurring problem that like. people forget we're real people? like yeah you're filming your kid, but you're filming me interacting with your kid. I could count the amount of times someone has asked me permission to do this in the past year on one hand. and sometimes that's after they already start filming.

Like, I'm not an actor. I did not agree to this. You could be a dick and make the argument that I'm a public figure, but I'm not. This is not a persona and my uniform is not a costume. I'm a person trying to do my job and help people and teach them about science and history. And you know what makes it harder to do that? The knowledge that anything I say or do could end up shared with thousands of people. The fact that if I fuck up the wording of this kid's junior ranger pledge, or I sneeze, or make some basic mistake, it's not just a funny or embarrassing moment for me and this one family. It could end up on tiktok.

And okay, those are the people intending to film their own kids and not thinking or caring about the collateral. What's worse is the people who film everything. A few times a week some guy walks into the visitor center, phone already horizontal in front of their face, narrating what they're doing and seeing. They come up to the desk and ask me questions, phone in my face. They take wide establishing shots of the visitor center and every visitor in it. None of us agreed to this! None of these people consented to be in your youtube video! We are not the fucking set dressing of whatever travel instagram story you're making!

I don't know where I'm going with this. This is really only the tip of the iceberg. Sometimes people ask us to repeat what we just did - swear in their kid, or explain a detail, or hand them a fucking map - so they can get a second take, and they're already filming so if we say no we look like the asshole. Sometimes we're asked innocuous things like to point out a landmark, and next week there's a photo of us in the 15,000 member Rangers Pointing at Things facebook group (yep, real thing). One time my entire 45 minute evening program was filmed without my permission and I was informed after the fact. This happens all the time, and I'm giving park ranger examples, but this happens to so many people in service work or public positions every single fucking day.

I guess just, next time you go to film in a public space, take a second. Think about who you're about to film, if they agreed to that, what might happen if a video of them went viral. there's a reason I'm not out as trans at work. And then, maybe. don't. or at least fucking ask.

[mychapel-004]

I think the most interesting and under-explored part of gf canon is the formation of the blind eye and I'm tired of pretending it isn't: a long post

Because hear me out here, if we really take a look at the timing of the only concrete source we have (mcgucket's video diaries), it doesn't... line up at all?

The clear implication here is that he started making the diaries after the first portal incident on January 18th 1983, so this would be our "day one"

"For the past year I have been working as an assistant for a visiting researcher... But something went wrong. I decided to quit the project, but I lie awake each night, haunted by the thoughts of what I've done... Test subject one: Fiddleford."

But this makes no sense. We know from J3 that the memory gun was actually invented after a series of traumatic events with Ford, months before he left the project. Further, the timeline the video diaries set up of the blind eye show that he began to deteriorate and founded the blind eye on day 22, which would be February 9th, but in J3 the blind eye is already a full blown cult by then.

In addition, where is he in this video? we know from TBOB that he isn't on good terms with his wife after Christmas of 1982 and he likely didn't leave GF after the portal incident, but he was living with Ford up until this so where is this room? If he had somewhere else to stay, why only stay there now?

Now, realistically the answer here is that the lore was changed and slightly retconned between the writing of this episode and the publishing of the book (which alex discusses in some of the commentary for this episode when discussing fidd's character), but I think a more interesting theory to solve this contradiction can be found in the source material.

If we play this all completely straight, there are two options here, both involving Fiddleford lying in his diaries. this isn't entirely new to the series, unreliable narration is a big theme, especially in Journal 3 and TBOB. the only real explanations are that:

A) Fiddleford was lying about this being the first time he used the gun, meaning this video diary takes place after the portal incident.

B) Fiddleford was lying about leaving the project, and was filming these diaries while still working with Ford.

Now, either of them is plausible, but ultimately Fiddleford is a scientist. He has dedicated his life to engineering, and it seems to be his lifelong passion considering it's one of the only character traits that he continues to practice after losing his mind. Would a man who is this talented, this dedicated, really lie about testing results in a video diary he chose to make?

If he had used the gun before, any kind of result he is trying to observe would be ruined. It would be a pointless venture, since we know for a fact that by the time he leaves the project he has used the gun on himself, Ford and other civillians multiple times. It's a complete failure of the scientific method, and I don't think it makes sense for the character we know, the man who quadruple checks his own calculations just to be sure they're right.

However, the other explanation feels like something he might do. We know he invents the gun after the Gremloblin incident likely sometime in August, and seems to use it immediately as evidenced by J3, on both himself and Ford. We know from the audio commentary that for Fidd, the memory gun is very much an addiction, it's something that he uses to curb his anxiety and appear like a better partner, to try and keep himself together until the project is over. But ultimately, he's known something is wrong with the project for a long time, and Ford mentions his tendency towards self destructive anxiety when Fidd rips out his own hair after Ford reveals the tip of the weirdness iceberg to him.

All this to say, I think it's far more realistic for Fiddleford to lie about leaving the project rather than his results. He knows that something is wrong, that he should leave and be with his family, and on the other side of that we know that Bill is using this anxiety to whisper into Ford's ear that Fidd is unreliable and will leave. He's been through a severely traumatic event with the Gremloblin, trapped for days in his worst nightmares, to the point where he is prepared to cause himself potential brain damage to un-see it.

But despite all of it, he doesn't leave. He is determined to stay, maybe out of loyalty, maybe out of fear for Ford's safety, maybe he needs the money from the project for his family. He has a wife and son who need him and we know that he feels guilt for his treatment towards them, he even cites them as his sole reason for backing out of using the gun immediately before he does it anyway, and uses it on Ford to cover his mistakes up. Fiddleford is a man who is wracked by anxiety and shame and is such a bad way by this point that he is absolutely willing to self-destruct and lie to just get through this project.

I think he absolutely would start documenting his use of the memory gun, even if that meant lying that he had followed his instincts and left the project when he should have done. After all, he says himself that he wants to use this gun on a wider scale as a therapy tool, assuming the gun doesn't turn his brain to mush, surely the tapes of his initial testing will need to be peer-reviewed? He's presenting the reality he wishes was true, the one where he is brave and stands on his principles and doesn't fall into step beside Ford on his path to destruction.

So, where does this leave the timeline?

Finding exact dates is difficult, mostly because the only concrete numbers in J3 are few and far between, but we do have the dates of the tapes to go off as follows. This isn't concrete but it's a fun way to recontextualise the events of J3:

Day 1:

First usage of the gun, followed by it being used on Ford

Sometime after the Gremloblin incident, Fidd's arm is either healed or on the mend from the incident as his cast is gone, so likely towards the end of August.

Note on the cast: It could also be gone as a result of him removing it too early, he doesn't seem to take a lot of time to recover from the incident before he gets back to work in fear of disappointing Ford.

The room he is in is likely his bedroom in the Shack, or whatever location he initially uses to form the blind eye, maybe a room in the museum? The "probability of failure" graph in the back is the same one that he shows Ford the night before the Portal test, albeit a bigger version, meaning he has likely been tracking the output results for a while.

Day 5:

Still exhibiting postive results, no deterioration yet.

Day 22:

First signs of mental deterioration

First mention of the blind eye, Fidd draws the symbol onto a notebook but it is already scribbled in the background over a diagram of the portal. The blind eye symbol is first mentioned in J3, when Fidd hands it to the carny who becomes the eventual leader of the cult, so this diary likely takes place after he has begun using it on other people.

Official formation of the blind eye as a group to help people forget traumatic memories.

His room in the shack is in a state of disarray, his plants are dead and there are handprints in oil or ink on the walls. Notably, he seems to be connecting the idea of a single eye and the portal despite not being aware of Bill at this point, which I'll touch upon later.

The carnival is likely in September according to the timeline by @fordtato

Day 74:

Slight physical deterioration, more physical anxiety

It seems that Fidd has been regularly using the memory gun at this point, to erase even minorly distressing images from his head, and his anxiety has taken a nosedive. Likely explanation is that this diary is after the bunker, where he had another severely traumatic experience (kidnapped by a shapeshifter and reduced to mute from anxiety) and seemed to become obsessed with doomsday planning. During the bunker arc he also used the gun on multiple workmen and Ford once again.

Likely takes place in October/November

His room is a complete mess by now, with the walls covered in papers and "Help Me" scrawled on the walls.

At this point in J3, Ford has made his deal with Bill and is allowing him to possess his body whenever he pleases. Bill has also sucessfully driven a divide between the other two by making Ford doubt that Fidd will be able to make it to the end of the project, and Ford describes his frustration with him.

According to Ford, Fidd is just as agitated and nervous before the portal test as he was during the Gremloblin attack, and obsessively checks and rechecks his calculations, causing Ford to worry for his resolve.

In between this diary and the next are the stolen pages from J3 that are in TBOB, which give us slight insight into Fiddleford during this time but not much. We see that he tries multiple times to reach out to him the only way that Fidd knows how, through invention and creation, with the snowglobe and the six-fingered gloves. Ford, however, treats them carelessly as a result of his increased attention to his muse. At the same time, he tries to visit home but is kicked out by Emma-May after he forgets to get her a Christmas gift. This is played as an example of his connection with Ford, him remembering two gifts for the man and none for his wife, but if he really is suffering from his use of the gun at this time, the forgetfulness makes even more sense and his argument with his family means he doesn't have a support system outside of Ford who is paying all of his attention to the project. After this, Fiddleford is more reclusive than ever as he spends early January compiling a thesis for Ford to publish

Day 189

Physical deterioration is in full effect and he can't hide the result of his addiction any more, even just to keep up appearances.

His arm is broken, likely due to the car accident he mentions accidentally causing, but its the same arm he broke during the Gremloblin attack and could be a result of him taking his cast off too early for it to have healed right in the first place which could explain why he wears it for so long.

Significant mental decline as he has started exhibiting signs of brain damage or swelling (decreased vocabulary, forgetfulness, loss of motor functions) however, he is seemingly lucid enough to question if the memory gun is causing negative side effects.

There are actually bottles visible in the back of the room, possbly referencing the addiction metaphor being used here

This would take place after the portal test, likely late January. Ford is at the height of his paranoia, Fiddleford has left the shack and taken every trace of his research with him except his college picture with Ford, and the blind eye is a fully established and seemingly self-governing cult.

Day 273

At this point, Fidd has relocated to a motel and is seemingly completely mentally gone, ripping out his hair and developing his hunched posture. This likely takes place after the blind eye takes his memories, or he continues erasing them himself. It's possible that the blind eye continues visiting him and taking his memories even after he is ejected as a member, or at least until they forget who he is after using the gun on themselves too many times.

It appears to be snowing outside? Which doesn't line up with either the canon timeline or this timeline, so potentially the days on the video diaries could be incorrect assuming he isn't filming them every day, or has lost so much of his mind by this point that he isn't labelling them right and has lost track of time

The final two entries are a similar story, serving only to show us the end of his decline and him eventually becoming fully homeless, retreating to the junkyard he lives in for the next 28 years (jesus, he really deserved that mansion).

Ultimately though, this timeline asks a lot of interesting character questions.

Why did Ford not realise how bad Fiddleford's decline was becoming? Maybe a mix of circumstances, he was falling deeper into his worship of Bill at the time, to the extent that he was regularly being possessed and judging by the lack of journal entries at the time, very pre-occupied. We also know that Fidd used the gun on him at least twice in canon, and possibly used it more than we know in order to convince Ford he was okay.

If Fiddleford was erasing parts of Ford's memory, did Bill know? Personally, I feel that Bill was aware but knew that ultimately it would serve him. Fiddleford, without ever encountering Bill at this point, created the blind eye symbol which is eerily close to Bill's symbolism, how would he know that when we know Ford is possessive of his muse and doesn't share anything with Fidd about it? How does Ford have visions of Fidd in a red cloak without ever knowing that the cult and Fidd are directly connected? My thoughts are that Bill, who we know has erased Ford's memory himself before when he stole the journal pages we see in TBOB, was using most of this as fodder to drive a divide between the two, mentally creating associations in both of their minds so they stop trusting the other. Chess but with troubled gay men.

All in all I think Fiddleford's decline is such an interesting way to approach a theme of addiction, particularly a high-functioning addiction. If this really is how things played out, we know that throughout his use of the gun and even 30 years later when he is considered a write-off, the one thing he maintains is his engineering prowess and his smarts. It makes sense that even when actively using the gun and hiding it from Ford he would be able to keep up in terms of building the portal, especially when we know he secretly hired workers. It's also a great example of someone drawing others into their addiction, even if it was unintentional and he didn't believe they would be hurt in the long run.

I feel like sometimes there's a lil bit of a push to see Fidd as a naive or morally good character even through his mistakes and to demonise Ford in response, but ultimately both of them are very morally grey and have their own vices that they develop and grow from.

Anyway, interested in this idea?

Well, good news if you are or my condolences if you hate it and want me dead, this is also an au I'm working on and writing at the moment! My fic link is below, the introduction is up right now and the next chapter will be coming out tomorrow with updates every few days now I've finally gotten this post out. The tag for this fic is 'Geiger counter au', hopefully I'll be able to get out some other headcanons I have for this idea because it's been floating around in my head since J3 came out.

Thank you for reading!

[starleska]

73 Yards has devastated me and i have some theories

we all agree that 73 Yards was a genre-defying, harrowing episode...and i think there's some really interesting themes and ideas going on here. tw for discussion of trauma, abuse, neglect and abandonment:

i hope we're all on the same page that the Woman seems to represent Ruby's fear of abandonment, brought to life. always present, always out of the corner of her eye, and whose primary mechanic is to drive people to scorn and leave Ruby without explanation. even people who do not know her, or people she's just met, or who are incredibly warm towards her...they speak to the Woman, and they look back as if to confirm their suspicions, and then run away, maddened and horrified. it is an unbelievable stroke of genius to make the Toymaker's breaking down of the boundaries between science and fantasy bring Ruby's abandonment into being...and for Ruby to weaponise her. but that's it - as soon as Roger ap Gwilliam was taken care of, we expected the Woman to disappear, right? but that could never happen, because Ruby's fear of abandonment will never disappear...no matter how purposeful her life is, or how much she distances herself from others. the use of the cruel, distant individuals in the Welsh pub to set up Ruby sympathetically is excellent...and then, we see people approach Ruby at all levels of emotional connection, when time and again she is considered untouchable, as if her very being is contagious. and all this time, we have the fairy circle being broken and hope vanishing...with hope being the Doctor. the one man who potentially holds the key to uncovering Ruby's deepest desires - to find out why she was abandoned, and by who. and at the end of it all...even in death, Ruby doesn't find peace. she is transported into a neverending hell-loop where she is her own abandonment. the two are inseparable, inexplicably the same, because Ruby's very existence as herself is built on the bedrock of abandonment. and i think this resonates heavily with any trauma survivor...the way that our trauma and our very real anxieties brought on by that trauma are inextricable from ourselves. i think the plot with Roger ap Gwilliam shows off a very real symptom in trauma survivors: we often daydream that our hurt and pain will be useful one day - functional. and not only does Ruby get to do that...she gets to be the quiet, unsung saviour of the whole world, protecting us from a world-ending terror in spite of the abuse and neglect she's faced. she endures menial work and constant fear, while only confiding quietly in one other person...Marti, who i believe is coded as another trauma survivor due to her response to Roger (who she describes as a monster). if Ruby can't receive love and affection from anyone else, at least she can feel satisfied that she served her purpose. on a practical level, the presence of Mrs Flood and Susan Twist in this episode AGAIN gives me pause. my theory that someone here is another of the Toymaker's Legions, and is the embodiment of Story, has only deepened. the fact that we had a cold open without the title sequence, we met Susan Twist very quickly, we seem to have flipped genres for the show and Ruby was able to embark on a self-destructive wish-fulfilment saviour fantasy in real life...it all indicates to me that the boundaries between reality and fiction are fully collapsing. when Kate says things are trending towards the supernatural lately, i think we've only hit the tip of the iceberg. on a broader level: my God Russell T Davies, what a brilliant script!!! this is one of my favourite ever episodes of Doctor Who, and is absolutely my highlight for the season. huge kudos to Millie Gibson for giving such a killer performance...i am now terribly endeared to, and protective, of Ruby, and hope against hope she gets the happy ending she so deserves 💖

[transvampireboyfriend]

Had this “Steve only hates impersonal nicknames” idea in my notes for a while and then after seeing @cholvoq​ ‘s wonderful art I had to turn it into a real thing for Valentine’s Day. This is 2.4k, i’m SO sorry edit: you can now read this on ao3 :)

Eddie’s a nickname guy. It’s always Dusty this and Gare-Bear that and JeffJeff here and Bobbie there and it’s Mikey and Maxxii and Nance-pants and Johnny and… big boy?

Him being a nickname guy makes it near impossible to hide his crushes. Thankfully, Steve had been really cool about it. Sure, he seemed a little stunned, but Eddie still had all his teeth in place by the end of that interaction, so he had called that a win.

He hadn’t known then that Steve was… different. Or he was starting to see it but what he thought was shocking then had really been just the tip of the iceberg. He hadn’t expected Steve to be nice. Or funny, or caring, or protective, or understanding.

He had learned all of that after everything. During chats on Hellfire nights while the kids cleaned up after themselves, during hangouts at the diner with Robin and Nancy, during Saturday afternoons when he went to pick out a movie only to end up talking with Steve, their conversation flowing until it was cut short by Steve’s shift ending.

After some time, Eddie had gotten to know Steve even more during long weekday nights when one came over to bring the other something they left behind, or to share a record, or to demand the beers the other owes or to show the other a stupid article in a stupid magazine only to end up making dinner together and watching a movie afterwards.

They stopped making excuses about two weeks ago.

Eddie had asked “do youuu… wanna come over?” on Saturday night, while nervously twirling his keys as Steve locked the front doors of the Family Video.

The evening chill had cut right through Eddie’s leather jacket as his keys clanged against his rings. But Steve had nodded with a smile and asked “pizza?” on their way to their cars, and Eddie had forgotten all about the cold.

Point being, Steve had been just fine with ‘big boy’ when it happened. Eddie’s a nickname guy. Him and Steve are hanging out more now, and so, Eddie’s been calling him more nicknames. Some of them are very intentional, others come completely without thinking, and it turns out, Steve takes issue with a few of them.

The first time it happens, Eddie’s underneath his van trying to get the damn thing to cooperate, the recent winter was tough on it, and it keeps dying out on him.

Steve sits nearby perched on a little stool, wearing his Family Video vest since he came by right after finishing his morning shift to see if they could make plans for lunch. Eddie suggested they grab something at the diner if and when he finally gets the van to start back up and Steve had agreed to wait.

He’s been telling Eddie about tonight’s basketball- game? match? super bowl? Is there such a thing as the major leagues of basketball? Eddie’s not sure, but he adores the sound of Steve’s voice and he’s kind of invested in the drama of players switching teams and retiring and whatever else Steve wants to tell him about. So, he’s been listening, not really bothering with asking for clarification for what he doesn’t understand yet. He’ll figure it out as they go.

He's blindly patting the floor around his legs for his rag, when he feels Steve put it right in his hand.

Eddie’s relieved. "Thanks, bud!" he says, the nickname just rolling off his tongue effortlessly, no meaning attached.

It gets kind of quiet all of a sudden. After about five seconds of Steve not talking, Eddie comes out to check on him, and finds him frowning at his legs.

"Don't call me ‘bud’" Steve requests, looking up at his face, his tone just a tad harsh. Eddie would think he ran into King Steve if he didn't know any better.

As it is, Eddie gets Steve probably thinks the nickname is childish or patronizing, so he doesn’t think twice of it, just gets a little sheepish and says "sorry, Stevie".

Steve smiles at that, a little cocky. He does his little mean girl shaking his head thing like he just got exactly what he wanted. Eddie feels his face twist a bit in confusion, but he likes it when Steve gets a little mean so he doesn't say anything about it and just dives back under his van as Steve resumes their conversation.

 The second time it happens, they���re outside the supermarket. The kids shot out of the van as soon as it rolled to a stop, Steve calling out a warning after them while still listening to Eddie explain why Star Wars and Star Trek are actually very different but really good in their own way. Their conversation carries on as they hop out of the van, lock up and walk to meet at the front.

“I’m telling you, Star Trek is great. You would love it,” Eddie says, “you just have to give it a chance”.

Steve rolls his eyes at him, but Eddie can see his smile.

“Ok, alright,” Steve answers, “you can show me tonight then”, it’s almost too nonchalant. Eddie has to hide his grin.

Steve’s been suggesting they hang out more and more lately, and he can’t help but feel a bit hopeful. They clearly enjoy each other’s company, their time together is never dull, Steve seems to be really comfortable around him and maybe, just maybe…

“Should we get beers then?” Eddie asks, excited at the prospect of some more time alone with him.  They haven’t had a weeknight hangout since Eddie fixed his van last week. He kinda misses the very specific color of Steve’s eyes in the Harringtons’ yellow living room lamplight.

“Yeah,” Steve says, his eyes get soft in a way Eddie only started noticing a couple of weeks back, “we can watch it at my place” he adds. Eddie thinks he definitely hasn’t seen him look at anyone else like that.

To shake himself out of the spell of the prettiest boy he’s ever met making the prettiest eyes he’s ever seen at him and ONLY him, Eddie grabs Steve by the wrist and starts marching them towards the supermarket’s front doors.

Without thinking, Eddie says "c'mon man," as they go.

Steve, who started easily following him (like he always does these days), suddenly stops in his tracks. Eddie gets pulled back and almost stumbles on top of Steve. He'd get flustered if Steve wasn't frowning at him like he’d just said the most insulting thing he’d heard this month.

"Don't call me ‘man’" Steve says. Eddie feels his eyebrows raise a bit.

He debates asking why but doesn't question Steve in the end. He’d rather offer understanding than judgement to him any day.

So, Eddie takes advantage of Steve's wrist in his hand, and squeezes there a bit, says "I'm sorry sweetheart" sincerely, looks into Steve's eyes so he can see Eddie means it.

Steve blushes a bit then, not really used to the nickname yet, Eddie just got the balls to start using it last week. Eddie himself is not really used to seeing Steve blush, and at something he says? It’s too much power for one metalhead.

But he gets distracted from Steve’s blush because it happens again, Steve basically preens like a peacock once Eddie switches nicknames. Looks smug, like he has Eddie wrapped around his finger and well, Eddie guesses he does, so, no arguments there either.

He just smiles back at Steve, really, has no other choice, it’s not like he can control how he reacts to the most gorgeous fucking face the universe could ever come up with. But he tugs him along again, Steve happily following this time.

The next time it happens, Steve’s leaning against his kitchen island, with Eddie leaning across from him against the counter.

The party is watching a movie in the Harringtons’ living room and at some point, Eddie got up to get himself another soda, Steve not so subtly followed after him, taking the empty popcorn bowls to the sink. He struck up a conversation and there they stayed.

Eddie’s been turning the small gesture around and around in his head. Clearly Steve’s not shy about seeking him out, and he’s obviously good with the party knowing, which means a hell of a lot because those are Steve’s people, that’s his family.

Eddie’s honestly running out of excuses to not ask him out. Seeing him reaching out to bump his sneaker against Eddie’s boot when he says something funny, laughing just a little too hard at Eddie’s dumb joke; seeing his eyes widen a bit when Eddie compliments him; seeing him notice when Eddie is holding back from talking too much, and not letting it go until he thinks Eddie’s shared all of his opinions on the subject; Eddie thinks maybe he can be brave, when it comes to Steve.

And this week might be the perfect time.

Here they are still, the movie long ended and several easy conversations floating from the living room to the kitchen, where they’re still engrossed on their own.

“I mean I taught the kid how to do his hair for god’s sake!” Steve is saying, Eddie’s laughing easily, and he has a slight suspicion Steve’s acting way more annoyed than he really is because he knows Eddie dies laughing every time Steve roasts the kids.

“Just, if he’s gonna give me hair advice, he should work on that goddamn tone. At the Very Least.” Steve finishes, Eddie giggling all the while at his Annoyed Mom tone.

"Yeah, dude!" Eddie agrees, wanting to egg him on, but Steve's face suddenly falls and whatever remark Eddie had locked and loaded just fades away.

Eddie blinks perplexed; he’s getting déjà vu.

Steve frowns at him, says "Don't call me ‘dude’".

It’s eerie, only he sounds a bit annoyed this time.

Eddie thinks, maybe someone called Steve ‘dude’ before in an unpleasant way, so he doesn't pry.  Instead, he takes the chance to call him a nickname he likes more, and says "Sorry, pretty boy", his heart fluttering in the milliseconds he has to wait for Steve’s reaction.

And it happens one last time: Steve absolutely beams at that one, his smile so bright it makes Eddie want to jump in place.

He leans further back on the counter returning the smile, not noticing the common thread in Steve’s reactions to him switching nicknames.

But then the glint in Steve’s eyes suddenly brightens a dim corner of Eddie’s brain. He gets this feeling that reminds him of a perfectly set up riddle or finding that one perfect note for his latest song. It’s like everything suddenly just makes sense.

Eddie feels realization dawn on his face as he pushes himself off the counter to walk right into Steve’s personal bubble, grabs both of Steve's hands.

"Steve" Eddie says, not even caring that he sounds like the name is dripping in honey when it comes out of his mouth. With how sweet Steve is, it might as well be.

Steve just looks at him a little stunned, but doesn't say anything. Eddie draws circles in the back of his palms to reassure him.

"Why don't you want me to call you ‘dude’?" Eddie asks, trying to find out if this whole thing is what he thinks it is.

Steve looks down at their joined hands,.

"You call Nancy that sometimes..." Steve mumbles.

His answer would sound inconsequential to the unsuspecting, certainly would have to Eddie as late as last week, but Eddie thinks he’s finally getting it, and he hums his understanding.

"How ‘bout ‘man’?" he asks

Steve replies "You call Robin that sometimes..." his eyes still on their hands.

Eddie nods his agreement.

"I call everyone those things" he points out.

Steve agrees. "Exactly" he says, finally looking at him again, sounding annoyed and confirming Eddie’s suspicions.

Eddie feels his face split into a smile. He wants to grab Steve’s beautiful freaking face and just plant one on him.

"Can I still call you sweetheart?" he ventures instead. The nickname brings the hint of a smile to Steve's face but then he seems to realize something not so pleasant.

"Do you call someone else ‘sweetheart’?" Steve asks in return.

"No one" Eddie says, shaking his head, his tone vehement.

"Then yes" Steve finally answers. Eddie's heart wants to beat right out of his chest.

He interlocks their fingers to ground himself, Steve looks down at their hands and smiles at the sight.

"So, you don't want me to call you something I call someone else?" Eddie states, more than asks, calling Steve’s eyes back to his again.

"Anyone else" Steve confirms, holding his gaze.

Eddie lets out a small shuddering exhale and feels his heart fluttering in his throat, he really cannot believe this boy.

"Steve" Eddie drawls, dripping in honey again, his hands coming up to cradle Steve's face because he really can't resist anymore "Sweetheart" he says.

Steve's eyes grow a little wide and he starts blushing so much that Eddie can feel it in his palms.

"Steevieeee" Eddie sinsongs, squeezing Steve's face a bit "Pretty boy" Eddie calls him. Steve just keeps looking at him and a small smile blooms in his pretty, pretty face.

"Would you let me take you out to dinner this Friday?" Eddie finally asks him, his fingers curling to the back of Steve's head to play with his hair there. Steve's eyes get even wider.

" 's Valentine's this Friday" he points out. Eddie knows.

"Mmhm. Want you to be my Valentine." Eddie tells him, tugs his hair gently, "How's that sound?" he asks, bold in a way he never has been before. Steve blushing does things to him.

"Sounds nice" Steve answers. He smiles and nods while his hands hook on Eddie's belt loops.

"Then it's a date?" Eddie asks, trying not to sound too eager. He thinks he fails spectacularly but Steve beams and pulls him in to kiss his cheek.

"It's a date" Steve tells him, his breath ghosting on Eddie's cheek and making him shiver.

Steve pulls back, lets go of Eddie’s belt loops and tugs on a strand of his hair gently, smiling like the cat that got the cream as he walks back out into the living room.

Eddie’s gonna make this the best Valentine’s Day date Steve has ever been on.

[tarotwithdanise]

WHAT IS YOUR REPUTATION ONLINE?

꒰⠀from left to right ; intuitively choose the pile your mind, heart and soul desire for. if you are having trouble choosing the right pile for you, here’s some tips you can do ; (1) take a deep breath (2) close your eyes (3) ask guidance from your guides (4) finally open your eyes and you can choose the right pile for you by the guidance you ask from your guides. if you are still having trouble by choosing the right pile for you let me know because i am willing to help and guide you.

1 - 2 - 3

PILE ONE

Pile one, it can be that you are someone who has a large base of followers and people enjoy watching over you. They may keep you on their tabs, there's something about your post? or you in general that may leave a very good impression to these people. They think you are goal-oriented and a dreamer. If you are someone who likes to post motivational quotes well expect them to get inspired, these people do like your mindset. They want to get you to know better but you only show the tip of an iceberg on your social media. It can be that you frequently receiving compliments, love and appreciation from these people. Some of these people may think you are dark and seductive individual which makes them feel intimidated somehow. These people believe that you guys have an ability to heal them, jeez.

PILE TWO

Hmmm, a very interesting energy. Because of your mysterious nature on social media, people may often wonder who you really are in real life. They may not often see your posts but they do frequently catch you online perhaps they may know a little about you but these people think you are trustworthy and cool based on what they viewed you online. As well as having a secret admirer that may enjoy stalking you online since they know a little bit of you, i also see this person may be a little bit of obsess with you and i think you already have an idea who this is. On the other hand, few people have a good opinion about you online like they like this low-key vibes you are giving in. The colors red, black and grey are important to you as well as the numbers 4, 7, 28 and 18.

PILE THREE

You guys, people online viewed you as someone weirdo and someone who is living a lavish life. They think that you come from a rich family and well, there's 2-3 people here showing that they want to offer a genuine friendship to you but remember there's a wolf in a sheep clothing, one of these people actually don't have a good intentions perhaps one of the reason why they wanted to be close to you is that they think they can benefit something from you. Some people viewed you as mentally unstable person and someone who does not take crap from anyone, has a calm assurance about themselves, and isn't obnoxious or harsh to anyone. For few of you, people think that you have poor eyesight because you tend to wear eyeglasses on most of your pictures online. They also think you really like yogurt a lot.

© tarotwithdanise ── all rights reserved. do not copy, translate, alter, or repost my work with or without my explicit permission.

[tombfreak]

ASPD and being a "bad person"

the backhanded support for aspd

There's a very backhanded type of support for people with ASPD. In attempts to get moral highground and fight against the demonization/stigmatization of the disorder, it's almost entirely watered down to "Oh you just lack empathy and have mean thoughts :)". It's entirely infantilized to the point where people who actually exhibit their real symptoms are just "bad people", or "using their disorder as an excuse for their bad behaviour" because "that's not what ASPD is actually like!!"

Moralizing disorders does nothing but cause harm to people suffering from mental health issues. You cannot cherry pick which presentations of ASPD are deemed acceptable when the whole disorder revolves around being and doing socially unacceptable things.

"It's ok if you lack empathy!" Is the only support I really see for ASPD, which is true, but only if we don't have empathy in ways that they think is acceptable.

I don't have empathy for people of colour, or people with disabilities, or trans folk. My empathy can't just turn on for people who I know deserve it. I can't relate to their struggles, I can't feel for them, I can't even really care. And lacking the empathy required for me to feel these things towards others is exactly what causes me issues in my life. It's socially unacceptable. It's dysfunctionally anti-social.

But thats very much the tip of the iceberg. Lacking empathy isn't even in the DSM-5 criteria for ASPD, and a lot of people with ASPD do experience empathy in their own way.

There's also the issue of "it's ok to be angry, it's ok to have mean thoughts, as long as you don't act on them" or "it's ok to not care, as long as you pretend you do" or "it's ok if you lack empathy as long as you're compassionate"

The issue is that people with ASPD are only supported and accepted if they're in a place where they can conform to prosocial behaviour, which is incredibly difficult to do and does require a degree of recovery. And not a lot of people are willing, or able to, get to that point in recovery.

If you say you support people with mental health issues, then you need to accept the part that actively causes problems as well, even if it makes you uncomfortable. You can't just love the "antisocial personality" and hate the "disorder".

People with ASPD will act in ways that makes them a morally "bad person". That's the entire premise of the disorder. If you water it down to the point where the person suffering has to be good and follow your social standards, then that's not an anti-social disorder anymore.

And I know it's hard to stomach people with ASPD sometimes, especially if they're not in recovery at all. We can be mean, insensitive, aggressive, insulting, morally skewed, or just a complete asshole in general. We can say unacceptable things, we can do wrong, and we're prone to it. You don't have to like someone to support them.

Supporting someone with mental health issues doesn't mean you have to like what they do, or who they are, or be friends with them. You're allowed to remove someone from your life if they're causing issues in yours. Supporting someone with mental health issues means you are able to leave them alone, and not go out of your way to shame them for things currently out of their control.

Yes, recovery is very important, but trust me as a recovering addict and someone with ASPD, you cannot force someone to be better. All they need is to know that they have room to breathe and grow. Support is giving people the space to do that. Backhanded 'support' is saying that you'll let them have that space but only if they currently fit in to your personal standards.

[gh0stsp1d3r]

ℳ𝒶𝓎𝒷𝒶𝓃𝓀𝓈 𝓈𝒾𝓈𝓉ℯ𝓇

Part 3, chapter 3- running with a bullet in my leg

Series masterlist

“Little change of plans, they did it. They sent Kiara to the wilderness camp.”

“Oh, no.”

“So, uh, I’m gonna need about eight hours for liberation.”

“Eight hours? I don’t have eight hours! We’ve got a jet here, we’re all waiting!”

“I know, dog. I know the clock is ticking. Look, my sister was sent to the camp for like a while, she knows it better than anyone. I’m gonna need to talk to her. If you have to go, we’ll meet you there.”

You got put into the wilderness camp when you were 12. JJ was 10. You had gotten into yet another fight, and the cops had busted you with a pre-roll or two in your bag. You were 12, smoking. They forced you to go, basically kidnapping you as you screamed and shouted against the workers hold.

You were there for almost a year, until your dad finally decided he couldn’t live on his own and take care of JJ by himself. Like an actual father should. But you have learned over the years Luke maybank was no actual father.

“No, we can’t… we can’t. No, JJ, listen, we can’t wait for you.”

“I know! I’m working on it, dude. Luckily I’m a problem solver, just stay in the Matrix, okay? I repeat-“ JJ paused, hearing the tire explode out. He looked out the window.

“Jj?”

“Damn-“ he shouted, the line suddenly ending.

“Son of a bitch.”

“Yo, what’s going on?” Pope asked John B.

“I’m gonna kill him.”

♡₊˚ 🦢・₊✧🩶.

“God!” JJ stepped out the car, going to the back and grabbing a spare tire and some tools. He grunted, and suddenly heard a car engine behind him.

He turned around, heart racing as he realized who it was. He swallowed the lump in his throat, seeing two men get out.

“Okay, fine.” He turned around, going over to them. The other man pulled out a gun, pointing it to JJ.

“Really?” He realized, looking at the gun and back to the tire. He had shot out the tire.

“After everything you just put me through, you shot my sister, and now you shoot out my… my friends tire! That’s not even my van!”

“You lost the load, JJ. Now instead of me getting paid, I owe them. Which I guess means you owe me, right?”

“I thought my sister getting shot in the leg was perfectly enough tor you.”

“Get in the car!”

JJ paused, thinking for a moment. “As much as I would like to, I kinda got a date, so…”

“You heard him, get in the car.” The other man spoke.

“Okay. If that’s how it’s gonna be. Look, I know you’ve heard the stories. About me, my friends. A little something called the royal merchant. A pile of gold. Is that ringing any bells?”

“I heard some bullshit.”

“Well, that bullshits real.”

“Yeah?”

“And yeah, we found it.”

“Yeah, I saw. That why you got a bunch of dudes throwing your furniture in a dumpster out back your house? Thats why your sisters homeless?You’re living high off the hog, bro-“

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, you’re talking about the house that’s being foreclosed? The cover? The one to throw off the scent? Rule number one, don’t do flashy shit like pay off a mortgage when you’re cashing in.”

“Stop. Let me guess. You, uh… got the gold. It’s buried somewhere in a barn, right? And if I just let you go right now, you’ll run right there, you’ll get it, we’ll split it, right?”

“Not exactly. Actually, it’s a little sweeter than that.” JJ looked over to the other man. “May I?” He asked, going over to Mike now.

“Look, let’s just forget about the Merchant gold. That’s just the tip of the iceberg. We’re going after the main course right now. All right? We’re going after the mother lode.”

—————

“Oh, God.” Sarah mumbled when she heard a car pull up, noticing it as Toppers.

You sat down with Pope and Cleo, feeling like it was better to maybe get out the plane for a little. You’ve been sitting for hours, but it felt better when you sat outside.

“Oh God.”

Topper got out the car, walking towards Sarah.

“Hey, Sarah. What are you doing? You just seeing John B off or what?” He asked, glancing at John B who stood behind her.

Sarah paused, looking at him.

“I’m sorry I, uh… I didn’t call. I meant to call you last night.”

“Oh you meant to call me last night? Okay.” He scoffed. “No, it’s all good. I was actually asking around myself and heard your dad’s plane was here. And I was like, oh, that’s.. that’s interesting.”

Sarah looked down.

“So, are you leaving with him?”

Sarah looked back up at Topper now.

“Are you leaving with him? Yes or no, Sarah.” He spat.

She nodded slowly, he scoffed again and his face fell into a crooked smile.

“You’re just… you’re just a f… a damn liar, Sarah Cameron. You’ve always been a liar. After everything we’ve been through? This… this is what you’re gonna do to me?” He laughed. “I’m done. Okay? You literally just promise John B would go away, you’d stay here with me. I can’t keep doin this..” he rambled on.

“Hey, Top. You got a little something right here, man.” You guffawed at the man, motioning to his black eye.

“Why don’t you shut up? How about that?” He looked at you, going over to John B now. “And oh, buddy, john B. You better be glad I didn’t swing back at you at the wreck cause I think you know what would’ve happened.”

“And your lucky I didn’t shoot your ugly ass on sight!” You shouted from afar, Pope hiding his face while he laughed.

“No one was talking to you, Maybank.”

“I’m not taking the bait, Top.” John B shook his head, looking at Topper. “You’re right. You would’ve kicked my ass.”

“I, um, heard they’re remodeling the Chateau. That’s tough man, how’d that happen?”

John B stared at him in disbelief.

“Oh shit.” You mumbled.

“What did you just say?” John B asked him, Topper backing up. “No, topper what did you just say?” Sarah held John B back.

“Hey, you guys have a nice life, all right?”

“That’s what you call a kook?” Cleo asked.

“Oh yeah.”

“Big time.” You nodded.

Everyone watched as topper drove away.

————

“Okay, so the office should be straight ahead. There’s a little wooden dude with a welcome sign at the door. And then, I think the lady there loved cats. Make up some bullshit story, like her cat passed away. Then, I would just wait and see where they go if they fall for it. That’s where Kiara would be.” You explained, sighing.

“Okay, thank- thank you. I’ll call you back when I’m on my way.” He hung up the phone, you sighing and putting it down.

It was getting late, hours passed and JJ was nowhere to be found.

“Has he called?” Sarah asked, they were running out of time.

You shook your head.

“Nothing.”

“We have to to go. We don’t have eight hours. And topper might’ve already called the police.”

“Okay, okay, I’ll try again.” John B said, you nodding.

“Wait. That might be JJ right there.” Cleo spoke, you guys suddenly hearing a motorcycle pull up.

“That is not JJ.” You recognized that helmet as soon as he pulled up.

“Rafe?” You asked him, furrowing your eyebrows as the tires screeched. Ward groaned behind him.

“Hey. It’s okay. You’re okay, dad. C��mon.” He mumbled to his dad, helping him off the bike, he had fallen off with a loud groan.

“It’s okay. You’re okay.” Rafe went to his side.

“Come on, help! Help!”

You were faster than the others to help him, it had been in your blood at this point. Muscle memory.

Ever since you were young, you couldn’t stand seeing people be hurt. It hurt you, you hated it. For as long as your dad could remember, you were always helping someone or something. Whether it was a hurt animal or a dying man like the one before you right now.

If it wasn’t someone you loathed or had beat in a fight before, you cared for them, tending to wounds. And as much as you didn’t like Ward, Rafe did.

He called it your mother’s trait, although you never really knew her, he saw her in you. Because luke knew that you were nothing like him.

And if you didn’t drop out, you would have loved to become a nurse or something. Something to help someone.

Despite the shooting pain in your leg from the bullet nudged in it, you pulled the helmet off of Ward and helping him up with Rafe.

“Fuck.” You muttered, helping him onto the plane.

“We gotta get him off the island right now.”

You let Rafe take over as he pulled him into the plane, through the doors and inside.

Sarah exhaled as she paced. “Shit, this cannot be happening.”

You sighed, hesitating before following Rafe and Ward inside the plane, helping sit him down onto the seats that already had your blood on it.

It was then that he took a glance at your bloody leg, wrapped in an also bloodied shirt. His focus was back on his dad when he let out a low groan.

“It’s alright dad.” He mumbled, more so to himself that anyone else. He took a glance down at his shaking hands, the blood of his father stained on them.

He looked back at you now, hands slowly finding their way to your face.

They trembled against your skin, you put your hand over his.

“Watch after him for me. Please.” He told you quietly. You nodded, and he pulled you into an embrace.

“He’s safe with me.” You nodded against his shoulder.

“Are you okay?” He asked you, looking down at your leg again.

“Got shot by some dude I owed money to. No biggie.” You shrugged it off nonchalantly, he laughed quietly and you both got off each other, just staring at each other again.

He leaned in, and your heart picked up as his lips ghosted over yours. He spoke against your lips.

“When you’re back, promise me we’ll talk?” He mumbled quietly.

“Promise.” You held out your pinky, like you would when you were together. He smiled and interlocked your pinky with his, before putting his lips on yours. When he pulled apart, he turned to his dad again.

“I gotta go. But you’re gonna be fine. You’re gonna be fine with them.” He told him again.

“He’s gonna be alright.” You told him as he began to step down the steps of the plane again.

The corners of Rafe’s mouth twisted up, nodding he walked over down to the pogues.

“We’re not done.” Pope said, putting his hand on Rafe’s shoulder. Rafe ignored it, and walked over to Sarah.

“Please take care of him.” He said, Sarah walking up the stairs to the jet. You were already tending to his wounds, wincing while you did so. They were bad.

John B turned around, going up to Rafe and putting his phone down.

“You do anything to him, anything, I swear to God I’ll find you.” Rafe spoke menacingly, quietly. It was a warning. “If anything happens to her…” he let the words linger in the air, as he heard sirens get closer.

“Wait, where’s JJ?” You asked John B, looking up from Ward, who seemed to be doing better somewhat now.

“We have to leave without them…” John B said, you furrowing your eyebrows.

“Are you serious-“ you began.

“He’ll find a way. He always does.” Pope told you.

Ward suddenly stood up, you just watching as he went over to the steps again.

“Wait, Rafe! Rafe!” Ward said, stepping out.

“Dad, hey! Get back on the plane!” Ward shouted. “They’re coming right now!”

“I gotta talk to you. Come here real quick.” He began to step down.

“Dad, you gotta- you gotta go!”

“Rafe, now!”

Rafe walked over to his dad, who held his thigh.

“Thank you.” Ward spoke, putting his hands on Rafe’s shoulder, looking into his eyes.

“Yeah, thank you.”

“Don’t thank me.” He mumbled as Ward pulled him into a hug

“Yep, yep, you’re a good boy.”

“I’m not.”

“Yes, you are. Look.” He grabbed his son’s face.

“Doesn’t matter what happens in the middle, it’s how you come out in the end. Look at me! Look at me!”

Rafe looked up at him finally.

“I know what you did, okay? I don’t care, cause you came back for me, right? You’re in control now. You’re the man. All of it is yours, everything here. It’s yours, son. You’re the man now. You proved yourself, okay? You’re the man. And I take back what I said about her.” He laughed quietly.

Rafe nodded slowly, tears in his eyes.

Ward pulled him into another hug.

“I love you, buddy.” Those words he waited all his life for.

“Oh god. All right. Come on. I got it.” He turned around, going back into the plane.

“You good?”

“Goodbye, son.” He said, giving him one last look as the door shut.

The plane began to move and the sirens got closer. Rafe stood, accepting defeat as the cops got out the car.

Rafe turned to Shoupe, hands running down his face.

“Well, shit Rafe. Looks like you got a story to tell.”

Ward sat back down across from you, you looking back at him.

“That looks bad.” You nodded to his thigh that he held, still bleeding.

“It is.”

“Uh… fuck.” You mumbled, rummaging through your bag. You pulled out a bandana, one that you had stolen a while ago as a kid.

“Can you… put your leg up?”

He did so, you kneeled down in front of him.

“This is gonna hurt like hell, so… you can do what I did and bite on a stick or something.”

You grabbed a bottle of alcohol, pouring it over the wound and putting the towel back over it.

He groaned, wincing and breathing heavily.

“Thank you.” He told you, you ignoring and it continuing to wrap it with the bandana. “Thank you.” He repeated, you nodding and standing up, going over to sit by yourself, propping your legs up and sighing.

You had fallen asleep against the window, and stirring when your new phone rung out with a notification.

“We made it out.” It read, it was JJ.

———

Tag list.

@cassie0sstuff @rafesgiirl @fals3-g0d @tiaamberxx @callsignwidow @saintnourah @calmoistorm

[eternity-death]

Okay… 2.1 thoughts (mostly revolving around Sunday bc I am obsessed with him)… SPOILERS AHEAD FOR THOSE WHO HAVENT COMPLETED THE QUEST!!!

PART 1

"You got to prove your worth to Sunday before you can speak with him." MEOOOOWWWWW

Aventurine pointing out Sunday's need for control and calling him insecure made me laugh out loud.

Also, the slipping into Sunday's collar... tee hee...

Do you guys think Yan Sunday puts you in the sand pit when he's upset with you...

It's either time-out in the sandpit or a "nice walk" through the real dreamscape. You obviously choose the pit. And now you're stuck with the creepy Oak family puppets for the foreseeable future. It's unnerving and lonely, and despite your shrunken size you start to feel a little claustrophobic.

When Sunday feels you've had enough time to... reflect on your actions... he approaches the sandpit and asks if you're ready to behave.

And yes, he does expect a sincere and lengthy apology.

"Breathtaking view" more like BREASTtaking. We know what you were really looking at, Aventurine.

These are important because in my endless list of drafts I have some hc’s of Sunday being a neat freak and I was correct!!!

Further reinforcing my hc that Sunday would like to help you get ready in the mornings.

Part of it is to satisfy himself and the other part is to make sure you look acceptable and appropriate.

SCREAMED… SUNDAY MIND CONTROL POWERS CONFIRMED…

We now know that he can take away one’s ability to lie… though this is probably just the tip of the iceberg.

THIS SCENE IN PARTICULAR AIWHEGRHWHHWHWHEHAGHW… SCREAMED AGAIN… WITHOUT THE S….

THAT SMILE… WHEN HE KNOWS HE HAS AVENTURINE RIGHT WHERE HE WANTS HIM… INSANITY… MEEOOEOOOOWWOWOW….

[prodbyton]

🚨TONIISWRLD NATION GET THE FUCK UP WE'RE TALKING ABOUT PERV!SUNGCHAN🚨

Sungchan is a fucking evil genius! he planned out from the start how to make you okay with the shit he does. on your first date, he asked you what your love language was and told you his was physical touch. you never thought anything of it. after that, he was always holding your hand, giving you hugs, and giving you the sweetest kisses. once you two made your relationship official, he got even more touchy (which you were shocked was even possible).

his hugs started to get longer and his kisses started to get deeper. whenever he picks you up for a date, his hand goes straight to your thigh. Sungchan's hand always slowly creeps up to your skirt the closer you get to the restaurant. if you're at a party talking to your friends, he's standing behind you with his arms around your waist, giving you little kisses on the side of your face. your friends thought his clinginess was so sweet, but that was just the tip of the iceberg.

Sungchan's touching started to get a lot less subtle. at his friend's party, his arm was draped over your shoulder with his hand "accidentally" grazing your boob. you get in the car with him and his hand is already on your inner thigh inching towards your pussy. he takes full advantage of the darkness of the movie theater to fully grab at your boobs. you still never batted an eye at his behavior.

you thought it was fairly normal for your boyfriend to want to touch you. But most boyfriends don't press their hard cock against their girlfriend's ass in the middle of a party. And most girlfriends don't take that as a sign to blow their boyfriend in the bathroom.

yeah so perv!Sungchan is just the #1 gf groper, but we love him for it 🫶🏾 Cumming Coming next: some other horny shit from my depraved mind :D

Toodles! ✌🏾😙

-🎀 (this message was brought to you by drunk 🎀 anon and heavily edited by sober and shockingly not hungover 🎀 anon)

when i tell you i jumped out my seat when i saw this notif…

perv sungchan just being #1 gf groper is so real, he makes it seem like its completely normal for him to touch you like that in public and take you into any public bathroom to fuck you in just bc he’s your boyfriend, and he’s so sweet about it that you don’t realize how icky he really is :3

and if i said sungchan is the bf who asks you to send him nudes even if ur out w family

sungchan who loudly talks about your sex life when you’re with him and his friends, the rest of the boys not giving too much details into their own but brags about how well he fucks you and just smirks at how everyone gets silent and watches you bury your face in his shoulder out of embarrassment.

he feels like he needs to grope you in public to let other men know you belong to him, because if he fantasizes about you what would other men be thinking about? he wants them to know you’re off limits.

because he’s so tall he can press his hard cock onto you easier and basically hump your back in public and no one would notice, but you do, and it makes your whole body heat up and makes you lightheaded, because you know he’s going to find the nearest bathroom to bend you over in, or push you down to your knees to get him off, and he wont make you cum until you two get home, but he’s gonna stuff you full of his cum and make you walk around with your legs clenched tight so it doesn’t leak through your underwear.

🎀 anon youve done it again… cant wait for what you come up with next 🤭

[x-on-the-calendar-business]

ryan ross iceberg explained (masterpost and tier 1)

tier 2, tier 3, tier 4, tier 5, tier 6, tier 7, tier 8

if somehow you have no idea how icebergs work/what they are, then i’ll give a tldr: it comes from the saying “it’s just the tip of the iceberg,” so basically, the entries at the top of the iceberg are the stuff the average person would know, and as you go deeper, the content becomes more obscure. for example, if you’re a more casual panic! fan, then a lot of the entries in the sky tier are more likely to be things you would know, whereas you’re probably only going to know the stuff at the very bottom if you’re an insane person (me).

i got most of the entries from this iceberg from a couple of others that i found on twitter, here and here [i]. i combined them, shifted some stuff around, and added some things to make this one. of course, a special thanks to the twitter users areyouIlooking and checkyesjuul for making the ones i used to create this one.

i also want to give a special shoutout to the tumblr blogs @pathetic-at-the-disco and @prettyoddfever because i got so much info from them for this iceberg and they are just incredible sources of information for panic! fans.

finally, i'm really hoping everything on this iceberg is correct; of course, i did my research and there was a lot of it i already knew. however, i was not actually there for presplit panic! so i can't speak off of firsthand accounts for a lot of things. with that being said, if something is wrong, or if there is something you think should be added, please feel free to let me know, and i will go back and edit the post.

enough introduction, let’s get started.

the sky (tier 1):

guitarist of panic!:

what he is most well known for. ryan was the original guitarist of panic! and one of the true founding members. he departed the band in 2009 with former bassist jon walker, which we’ll come back to later.

rosevest:

this refers to an iconic piece of clothing that ryan wore while they were touring their debut album, a fever you can’t sweat out. he wears it in live in denver as well.

(side note: the post i got this pic from is a very interesting look at their outfits from that tour so i would recommend checking it out here!) [ii]

good at makeup:

during the fever era, ryan was really well known for doing makeup looks, some elaborate. i’m inserting some examples here, but i’m also going to link a post that showcases more pics of the makeup looks he did. there are more that he did than just the ones shown in that post or here (like the god awful blue eyeshadow he did on that red carpet), and there were a lot of times he just did the classic black smudged eyeliner.

and the tumblr post as promised: the makeup styles ryan ross wore in summer 2006 [iii]

ryden:

oh boy, where do we even start with this one. there are actually going to be quite a bit of ryden references in this, but at the end i’ll link a masterpost for further reading (although most of it will be covered here). but to be keep it short and simple, ryden is the ship name for ryan ross and brendon urie. it was arguably one of the biggest ships in early 2000s bandom, as evidenced by the litany of fics written with them as a pairing. this ship (unfortunately) still lives on in people’s hearts today even though ryan and brendon don’t speak anymore.

also, i know it would seem to make more sense if their ship name was ryDON not ryDEN because of how brendon’s name is spelled, but the ship name comes from the mashing of their nicknames ryro and bden (which still doesn’t make any sense but i digress).

unfortunately, all of the ryden content on this iceberg will probably be long because i am a former rydennie (yes u can make fun of me for it go ahead) so i have a lot of knowledge on that ship. but trust me i know that ryden was not real.

“creative differences:”

this entry refers to the july 6th, 2009 split where ryan and jon left the band. the most cited reason for the split was musical differences, as stated in these interviews with brendon and spencer [iv]. however, most people believe the band actually split due to personal reasons since they basically all stopped speaking afterwards, and because of some comments jon made [v]. in fact, one MTV interview specifically singled out ryan and brendon as not getting along, but it has since been deleted [vi].

cheez wiz:

this references a clip from the pretty. odd. short-film called american valley [vii]. the video went viral circa 2015/2016 and became a huge meme in the bandom community, especially in the crankthatfrank yeemo fanbase (that sentence wasn’t in the bible). if you were a panic! fan during that time, you know the cheez wiz jokes were inescapable.

milk fic:

“ryan was kneeling in the bathtub…”

this is also unfortunate. to be blunt, this is a ryden fic in which brendon gives ryan an enema with milk. it catalyzed a trend of other shocking fics within the bandom sphere, such as the comb fic. it’s just cringy. sadly, it became so iconic that brendon knows about it and even made a vine referencing it [viii].

i would link it but i’m not going to because the author, druscila, is a pedophile. so there’s that.

onceler jokes:

i’m going to put a picture of the onceler, who is from the lorax, and ryan side by side. and that should explain this.

now let’s move on to the next tier.

tier 2

references:

[i] https://twitter.com/areyouiooking/status/1366887508441718790?s=46&t=srOJ3YueMMsx9_sm96odQQ, https://twitter.com/checkyesjuul/status/1368794897499615233?s=46&t=srOJ3YueMMsx9_sm96odQQ

[ii] https://prettyoddfever.tumblr.com/post/628882839458512896/panic-at-the-discos-2006-summer-tour-costumes

[iii] https://prettyoddfever.tumblr.com/post/629161631117656064/the-makeup-styles-ryan-ross-wore-in-summer-2006

[iv] https://patd.livejournal.com/2943372.html, https://patd.livejournal.com/2928377.html#cutid1

[v] https://oneweekoneband.tumblr.com/post/131968366779/jon-walker-and-ryan-ross-from-a-2009-interview-in

[vi] https://whisperdlullaby.livejournal.com/9051.html

[vii] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBot_X9pquo

[viii] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyWlisnfrm0

[theresattrpgforthat]

Hi! You have a really cool blog and have been getting me into indie RPGs, so firstly just thanks :) But anyway, any RPGs that could work well in a play-by-post format, even if you'd need to homebrew or hack it a little? Online friends on the other side of the world are a beast.

THEME: Play-by-Post.

Hello friend! So I haven’t done a lot of play-by-post games, but I’ve tried it out once or twice. I think in many cases, you might not even need a ttrpg in order to do online roleplay; I’ve played in Star Wars pbp that used the FFG system, but I’ve also seen Star Wars forums that are completely text-based and host their own wikis on information that’s been established in their world to keep track of what's happened so far.

That being said, I can understand having a framework to help guide you, especially if you enjoy the structure of traditional ttrpgs. The possibilities of playing these games by post are vast, although I'm noticing that most of the old forums have migrated over to Discord these days - and Discord makes things like rolling dice so easy, so it makes sense!'

If you're converting a ttrpg that uses dice into something that is play-by-post, you'll have a dice-bot, while if you're using a game that has no dice, or is a little more free-form, then that's one less mechanical piece that you'll need to worry about. Other considerations will likely be things like where you put character sheets, whether the game will be organized in a West Marches format or more like a traditional story, and how often players will be expected to write up what they're doing.

All of this is to say that the following recommendations are just the tip of the iceberg, really. Some of these are designed for play-by-post, while others are just games that I've seen out in the wild before.

Lords of Creation, by Five Points Games.

Lords of Creation is a rules-lite cooperative world building game with a focus on the Divine. Players create Divinities and populate a fresh, open world with a focus on myth telling and lore. The game is intended to be played via Play by Post, allowing players to run multiple societies, factions and elements at once.

Five Points Games clarifies in the game text that this game isn’t really their brainchild, but rather the culmination of play-by-post roleplaying on old WOTC forums. It’s a game about divinity and world creation, and each “turn” of the game takes place over the course of a real-time week. I think this gives a lot of time for each player to be involved in each step of the game, as well as providing in-universe ways to manage players who no longer participate, or who need to stop playing for one reason or another. Lords of Creation is also GM-less, allowing everyone to participate in a partial player, partial GM-style role.

Yowl! What A Strange Hotel, by Zargo Games.

Yowl! is a reviewing service that allows customers to rate establishments from 1 to 6 stars and tell the important details of their stay in a handful of paragraphs. This game is about telling the story of a particular establishment, in this case a hotel, through a series of Yowl! reviews. Reviews are from a different perspective each time, and should reveal something interesting and unusual about the hotel. Is there a dark secret that the hotel is hiding, or is something even stranger going on?

Yowl! looks to be designed for a shorter length of play. Together you will create a strange hotel, and then take turns leaving reviews, letting little pieces of information contribute to a larger story-line as you go. I think this is a relatively simple way of playing by post, although it relies mostly on each player’s creativity, as the game doesn’t come with any prompts.

World /Chronicles of Darkness Games (currently published by Onyx Path).

The World of Darkness franchise is a beast, and has been fuelling play-by-post form play for decades. There’s a number of reasons this collection of settings has been so popular.

It’s focused on factions and politics, which means that a large number of people can join in and fill out various political groups and start plenty of drama with each-other. Because the drama is so juicy, dice rolls can fade into the background. (I don’t think that stops you from being able to use it in a small group though!)

It’s got oodles and oodles of lore, but it’s set within the real world, so players can use something like Google Maps to create a fantasy version of a real-life city, and it provides a solid frame of reference.

It’s been around for a long time, which means that there is so much in terms of resources and advice that you can look at, such as the Onyx Path forums, or the WoD Discord Server.

The Chronicles of Darkness games are specifically designed to be cross-compatible. Changelings, Hunters, Vampires, Werewolves and more can all interact in the same universe - as long as the GM is on board with it. Most of the base rules are the same, with some tweaks for each splat, so if you have some players that really want to play a werewolf, while others are more interested in becoming mages, you can combine the two no problem!

Chuubo’s Marvelous Wish-Granting Engine, by @jennamoran.

The Chuubo’s Marvelous Wish-Granting Engine RPG is a dice-less RPG from Jenna Katerin Moran, author of the well-regarded Nobilis and an important contributor to Eos’ Weapons of the Gods and White Wolf’s Exalted RPG.

Pursue fabulous quests. Progress through Issues. And find a place for yourself in a world of breathtaking beauty.

Chuubo’s Marvelous Wish-Granting Engine doesn’t require dice, but rather asks you to role-play through scenes and spend points in line with your character quests. You gain XP for the experiences your character has, the way they interact with other characters, and the steps they take to move towards completing their quest. Because character advancement is dependant on role-play, I think Chuubo’s is a great way to prompt interactions in a play-by-post setting, and character advancement is both a compelling reason for folks to participate and an engine that feeds the storytelling machine.

The rulebook for this game can be a bit of a big read, but there’s a starter adventure included, with pre-built characters to help you get going.

Kids on Brooms and Teens in Space, by Hunters Entertainment.

Kids on Brooms is a collaborative role-playing game about taking on the life of a witch or wizard at a magical school you all attend that uses the “Powered by Kids on Bikes” system, first used in the award winning Kids on Bikes. Kids on Brooms is a rules-light storytelling system that takes you on magical adventures.

Teens in Space is a space opera RPG that uses the “Powered by Kids on Bikes” system. Teens in Space is a rules-light storytelling system that takes you into the cosmos for adventure and profit.

Both of these games use the teen-horror inspired game Kids on Bikes. Since these games rely heavily on polyhedral dice, I think setting up a discord server that also has a dice bot is the way to go with this one. You can choose a character from archetypes provided in the books, or create your own piece-by-piece. Different locations could be represented by different Discord channels, and since these games seem to work really well in regards to mysteries, I think a GM could focus on putting clues in different locations for characters to find, allowing the characters to slowly piece together a mystery over time.

I think Kids on Bikes is a kind of game that is going to require a lot more work to replicate as a play-by-post game than some of the other games on this list, because characters will need to roll dice in order to get things done, and it's best used in a small group. However, one thing I think really works well for these systems is the relationship questions that you roll on to determine how your characters relate to each-other. It gives you a connection right from the get go, and it can give the players something to work with while they're finding their feet.

Belonging Outside Belonging Games.

As a rule, Belonging Outside Belonging games don’t require dice, and as a common feature, BoB games don’t usually require GMs either. Characters are typically organized into playbooks; tropes or classes or collections of abilities that both define characters and make it easier for new players to find their rhythm. These playbooks will come with three categories of abilities: things that you can always do, things that require a token to activate, and things that reward you with a token when you do them. These games also usually include the setting itself as a playbook, or a divided series of responsibilities handed out to each player.

I can imagine a play-by-post form of game moving between descriptive scenes and active scenes, with players alternating between introducing elements of the setting / narrative obstacles; and describing how their characters react to these new events. (I've also seen this kind of thing happen on a Wanderhome server.)

Some Belonging Outside Belonging games that sound interesting to me are Lunar Echoes (a solar punk hack of Wanderhome), Geese at the Beach (chaotic water fowl looking for shines), and Capitalites (urban Asian young people trying to figure out who they are).

I hope you found this useful!

[acepalindrome]

SDV Aesthetic Mod Recommendations (1.6 Edition!)

I’m back with more mod recommendations that work with 1.6! This time, we’re gonna focus on stuff that mainly just changes how things look: recolors, portraits, animal skins, etc. No major gameplay changes, but the visual changes can really enhance the experience or make the game feel totally different! Again, links will be in a reblog. And you can check my ‘sdv mods’ tag for my other recommendation post!

So starting off, recolors. I have three that I really love: Vibrant Pastoral Recolor, DaisyNiko’s Earthy Recolor, and Starblue Valley.

They all tone down the saturation and give everything a softer, more natural look. Vibrant Pastoral is probably my favorite because it makes the scythe-able grass look like it’s full of wildflowers! Also of note, Starblue Valley’s 1.6 update is a work in progress, so some parts might not be properly recolored. It’s such a pretty recolor, but you might want to just track the mod for now while they’re hammering out the kinks.

Next up, portraits! First, I wanna talk about Seasonal Outfits.

I love that vanilla has beach and winter outfits now, and this mod takes that ten times further! Not only are there outfits for every season (with matching sprites), there are also unique outfits for festivals! I love all the Halloween costumes for Spirits Eve! There are seasonal mods for Stardew Valley Expanded and Ridgeside Village too!

Next, Nyapu’s Portraits.

I love the cute, old school Harvest Moon vibe these have, but one of the really great things is that Nyapu has made portraits for almost every modded character in existence. I’m fussy about getting my portraits to match, because it’s just weird when you’ve got totally different art styles for different characters, and that is a non-issue with this collection! If there’s a character mod, there is probably a Nyapu portrait. SVE and RSV are just the tip of the iceberg! Also Nyapu is a real life farmer when they aren’t making adorable portraits, which I think is just cool!

I made a post earlier about Elle’s Cuter Coop Animals/Barn Animals/Cats/Dogs/Horses, but it’s worth mentioning again because they’re just too cute and the huge variety of different colors and species is unmatched.

And I mean. Highland cows. Just look at them. Elle also has mods for seasonal farm buildings and farmhouse kitchens with lots of different options! You really can’t go wrong with any of Elle’s mods.

And speaking of farm buildings, one of my absolute favorites is Gwen’s Medieval Buildings, and matching mod, Gwen’s Medieval Craftables.

The antique, overgrown vibes are just gorgeous.

If I do UI recolors, I usually just pick one that matches my recolor (Vibrant Pastoral, Earthy Recolor, etc) but I recently discovered Lavender Dreams UI Recolor and I adore it.

The colors are just so nice and soft, and the accents of moss and leaves in the menu is just delightful.

I’m on mobile and running out of pictures, so I’ll just talk about the next three that change your character. First is Female Farmer Overhaul. Despite the name, everything is available to any gender, although the style is definitely more feminine. It adds a lot of new hairstyles, clothes, hats, and has the option of short or long sleeves so you’re dressed appropriately for the season!

Next is Animated Hair. It makes your hair move as you run, use tools and so on. There are lots of hairstyles and it just looks so nice!

And one last one, Expressive Elf Ears. Like Animated Hair, they move around with your character! They are so floppy! If you want a little fantasy flavor to your character, they’re a must.

And that’s all for now! I might do content adding mods next time!

[arcane-abomination]

In “The Basics of Death Magick” I briefly mentioned what death energy is like.

“Death energy is about stillness, endings, and about the deconstructing and reconstructing processes. It’s about using what’s passed to fertilize what’s new and grow something that has purpose in the next step of your life. It’s about the acceptance of inevitability and what we can’t change to bring about what we can.”

That statement is somewhat vague in comparison to the full expanse of the truth. So in this blog I intend to break it down and fully flesh out exactly what I’m talking about here. It’s a truth that isn’t really grasped fully by many death craft users for some reason. A truth that all must learn to fully grasp the encompassing mystery of death.

A Moment of Death

The act of death itself is a very swift action. The time leading up to it may be arduous and long but the moment the soul is separated from the body is almost instantaneous. It’s the exact instant that the ultimate change happens. And it’s that small instantaneous moment from which we’ve created a whole practice.

In that second, everything is different. Our mortal minds are completely stripped away and the real truth, the incomprehensible knowing that our previously living bodies weren’t made to comprehend, suddenly becomes realized in its entirety. This is the ultimate transformation, and the strongest form of the liminal.

Death & the Liminal

It may seem strange to think of death itself being liminal, especially since the moments between life and death are in of themselves liminal. Well the truth is death is all about change just as it is about the ending of something. You see, once Death happens, decay sets in and the process slowly melts away the old tissues, creating nutrients for the earth. This is the process of the liminal. The point of change from one form into the another. A reconstruction of energy. So while death is undoubtedly the end that is merely the tip of the iceberg as it would seem. The process of change is one of the biggest parts of death magick and yet it’s rarely talked about and understood by many who claim to practice it. Yet it is so quintessential to the art.

Stillness & Movement

As stated in the quote above, death is about stillness. However, just as it is about both endings and reconstruction so to is it about stillness and movement alike. The stillness we are most familiar with comes from the physical realm, the corpse. While the underlying movement in the equation stems from the spirit that was released. It’s a movement often unseen with mortal eyes but exists nonetheless. So I suppose the most accurate description of this energy would be “the physical stillness and hidden movements.”

Both forms of energy are intertwining and never exist without the other. That’s the reason many death users and spirit users alike often have a physical representation in their work and why many necromancers go to graveyards. The unity of the stillness and movement aspects work most beneficially when they are in tandem. And while one can call on them separately, it’s in their nature to connect. So working with both leads to a more prosperous craft.

Now, while I’m aware we all can’t have the convenience of working with an aspect of the corpse, like its bones for instance, especially when it comes to human bodies. Nor are we all able to get to a cemetery, it’s still important to represent the physical aspect of death. Trinkets and belongings from ancestors and relatives passed on work well, as do skulls carved in stone or crystal. You see, honoring the unity of both halves of death energy is the key to success.

In Conclusion

Death energy is a more complex energy than many may realize. It has layers and depth that few dive into completely and understand, preferring to work with what’s presented on the surface. The best way to experience Death magick is to understand these complexities and immerse oneself within its mysteries.

[genericpuff]

Hey puff you have a day job right? How do you keep the motivation/discipline to create comics regularly and be an active blogger?

I've mentioned this a few times before and generally try to be as transparent as possible as I can when it comes to my real life circumstances and how they affect - and allow - my comic production schedule, because when it comes right down to it, I'm in a very privileged position that allows me certain luxuries that other comic creators simply don't have. And I don't really like the idea of someone seeing what I do and like... thinking that's a bar they have to meet because it often comes with a complete misinterpretation of what circumstances I'm in that may vary extremely from their own. Y'all are seeing a tip of a very large iceberg, y'know?

I do have a day job, I work as a tattoo artist, however my schedule is very much my own to control and while that comes with a lot of pressure to find my own work, it also allows for me to have flexibility with my other projects. That said, I'm only able to be that flexible because when I'm making money, I'm making really decent money (and with far less hours than I would need to make my living if I was working in retail still) and when I'm not, I've got a partner who makes a more consistent living that may have a much smaller hourly than what I get hourly for tattooing, but is still a decent hourly compared to minimum wage that he's able to handle bills while I get back on my feet (and there have been tons of times where our situations have been reversed, where I've been making good money and he's been needing extra help; it's honestly kind of some cosmic prank, the two of us can never seem to be doing financially well at the same time lmao)

Right now, we're just starting to come out of a slow winter season, so I've had more time than ever to sink into my personal projects. It does get stressful at times having such inconsistent payouts through the ebbs and flows of tattooing, but I try to be at peace with those slow seasons because it allows me to work on my passion projects. Especially when I've got not one, not two, but three separate tattoo expos (so far) to do this summer, which is gonna be (hopefully) three separate 30 hour weekends of straight tattooing haha And while I say hopefully (because yay good money and good publicity!) it's also gonna be extremely stressful and exhausting so I'm trying not to take the slower season for granted, because I know I'll be wishing for it again when I'm in the midst of it. And that's not even including all the other events I have booked this year that are purely for vendoring (so unrelated to tattooing) that are also gonna be crazy.

That said, the past couple years have felt particularly hard, but I know it's because we're unfortunately in the midst of a massive economic recession that has seen people spending less on luxury things - and that includes tattoos. But my comics and other personal projects give me a great outlet for my ideas and thoughts, and while projects like Rekindled are unfortunately not something I feel comfortable monetizing, they are ultimately projects that bring me a lot of joy and I think that's the best I can ask for nowadays while I wait in the hopes that things get better soon in the real world.

As for getting that motivation/discipline, I don't really have one solid answer. The reality is just that I've been doing this for a long, long time, so not drawing comics feels like not doing any other established good habit. What you may feel wondering how I manage to work so long on a single comic project with such hefty updates is undoubtedly pretty close to what I feel wondering how the fuck people manage to go to the gym LOL It's taken a lot of routine building and repetition and it's as natural as breathing to me at this point, I just feel gross when I've gone a day without drawing comics in some form. That routine has helped me get better and faster at creating as well. When I started my first long-form comic series, I started out just drawing a page a day - often taking 3-4 weeks to complete a chapter - and by the time it was done 7 years later, I was putting out a chapter a week. And then that turned into 60-90 panels of full color art a week... nah, I don't recommend anyone do that on their own like I did, I can't even do that anymore and looking back I'm in shock how I was able to pull that off, and not in an amazed "why can't I do that anymore, I used to be so awesome!" way, but more in a "oh god why did I do that to myself, no wonder I'm burnt out" way.

And honestly that's kind of the reality of it, while I'm putting out consistent updates of Rekindled that are in full color and are - in my opinion - some of the best work I've put out in the last few years, I'm also struggling to rebuild habits with my original project because I've simply fallen out of practice. I'm one person responsible for all the work I've put out, and yet when it comes to looking at the projects I still have sitting on the backburner, I still feel a sort of internalized version of Person A looking at Person B and asking "how the hell do you do it???" just like you're asking me now lol I'm working on it though and trying to get back to it little by little, day by day. On rare occasions I actually get something productive done and make progress LOL

That said, none of it has come without consequences. I've spent the majority of my artistic journey working on the same project which I feel has severely stunted my outreach and set me back in my growth; after all, we only ever see and judge the merit of webcomic projects based on the 1% of people who got lucky and achieved some semblance of fame and recognition out of it, you never see the people who have spent years still picking away at the same project from the bottom with little to show for it besides the work that's going unseen. I've also already got way more back and hip pain than one should have by their late 20's and that's definitely a consequence of spending so many hours every single day working on comics. As much as I've built some great habits that have made my comics and art better, I've also ended up with some very bad ones that a lot of people don't see because all they see is the results from the good ones. So that's something that I hope I can at least warn people about, even as a reminder to stand up and stretch every now and then and get their proper amount of sleep LMAO

And then when it comes to the blogging... I'm an AuDHD person with a lot to say and I can type at 137/wpm. So that's all there is to that ♡( ◡‿◡ )