#this is the kind of shit i post when i'm tired | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

tempests-bards-and-birds · 11 months ago

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just realised that fontaine was the first nation where the winds didn't bless our travels 😔

#it's fine guys it's fine we've still got the interlude chapters (extreme cope)#no anemo boy in fontaine is gonna make it pretty hard tho #maybe lynette can rescue us... mhm yes #that would actually be so cool tho #this is the kind of shit i post when i'm tired #you're welcome #venti #tempest's dumb thoughts

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khaire-traveler · 3 months ago

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I reiterate that if you're going to ask people for donations, you will come across as extremely suspicious if you spam their inbox. People are likely to report and/or block you, thinking you're a bot. If you need donations, I do not recommend going about like this. I really, REALLY do not recommend it.

#blog post #not helpol #i am tired of the spam y'all #literally every single day since I've opened my ask box back up #i have gotten a SHIT TON of random people asking me for donations #which is somewhat silly considering i was literally just running my own donations #so no I'm sorry but i won't be answering asks about donations #i don't think it's ok to that personally; it feels really invasive and is extremely suspicious #because you know who else comes into your inbox asking you for money? bots. bots do that exact thing.#it's extremely difficult to know who to trust especially when gofundme isn't supported in gaza #nor is paypal actually #they ciuld just be using a VPN but i don't know enough about VPN to comment on that confidently #but i feel it's important that people are sceptical honestly #because there are assholes who will scam you and take advantage of your kindness for others #don't buy into a potential scam especially at a time where supporting oneself is often already a challenge

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blackbutler-readerinsertsandjunk · 3 months ago

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tomorrow is my first day back to work and I'm a lil nervous

I haven't been able to get anything written for here bc I've been trying to get a couple other things written (updating my Bill Cipher redemption fic and starting a Gyutaro x reader x Daki because I make poor life choices)

but I'm on light duty for a month, basically just sitting at the register checking people out, unable to do any stocking or anything bc I'm not allowed to lift anything over 15 pounds so I can't lift totes, bend much, or reach much, so I'm allowed to bring something to do in between customers... maybe I'll get some writing done? I feel as if I'll be slacking off bc that's how my brain works

but you know what, I kill myself for that store normally, I don't work full time simply because I can't afford medical insurance if I did, but even working only part time I give my all while I'm there, I'm not someone who slacks off. so if I'm healthfully and approvedly permitted to slack off and take it easy for a month, I guess I'll take it (... plus, I mean, I'll still be working, just light duty, it's not like I'll show up and get paid to do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, I'm still gonna be ringing out customers)

ANYWAY MY POINT IS-

get those last requests in! after I get home from work tomorrow, I'll be closing the askbox and won't open it back up till this batch is finished and I swear I mean that this time 😂

#mod post #should I have ordered Jessii Vee merch knowing I am not getting paid for two weeks bc I didn't work for two weeks ? maybe not #BUT DAMMIT THIS IS WHY I HAVE SAVINGS #'weirdness all the way ' button and YANA 'be kind' button and squishy pink gummi bear COME TO ME #... been uh. been doing a lot of impulse online shopping while I've been sitting at home bc idk it scratches a certain itch in my brain #and my mama has been nice enough to be buying most of my food when I usually buy my own just bc it's hard for me to walk around much rn #but I'm feeling a lot better physically I just get tired easily so hopefully I'm gonna be back to buying my own food soon #like I appreciate everything my mom and lil bro have been doing for me but MAN I don't like being UNABLE to do shit myself you know?#I took a shower this morning and it exhausted me and Mom had to be in there to help me the whole time in case I lost my balance or smth #it's better than it was the first week but I still hate feeling like I've temporarily lost some of my independence #I can't wait to shower by myself again and for it not to drain me #which is such a small thing to want and miss but like #OKAY TAG RANT OVER THIS RECOVERY IS JUST DRAGGING #I'm getting old tbh that's what it is I'm 30 and don't bounce back like I used to 😂😂😂😂

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here-there-were-dragons · 5 months ago

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i have to wonder what super hardcore militant vegans think should be done about obligate carnivore animals, because in all my painfully-rapidly-approaching-30-years i've literally never actually seen anyone give a clear consistent much less halfway feasible answer on that

#mostly i've just seen like “how dare you ask questions you just want an excuse to murder you're sealioning ect”#or worse some vague and wildly improbable nonsense about like. fake robot animals covered in beyond meat or something equally convoluted #which is a thing i did see someone suggest as a serious answer #i mean i already know they think i'm a genetically inferior hateful vampire that should starve to death for the greater good #because my exact combination of health conditions make meat basically the only semi-safe way i can get close to enough nutrients #i know this because they have repeatedly told me that i'm either evil or should be sacrificed or both #and yelled at me for asking questions by bringing up the whole disabled thing and then they're like #“a lot of vegans i know are advocates for disability!” as if that ever means jack shit in the society that results from anything #no matter what you do a vast majority of people in any given society will *not* be advocates for the disabled. i'm sorry they just won't.#and what do you think public perception of people who physically can't survive like that is going to skew towards #in a society founded on the belief that non-vegan diets are evil?#at absolute best we're looking at being a heavily marginalized class generally seen as something like vampires and our existences taboo.#(as if these type's own insistence that they should be allowed to harass and shame people doesn't disprove their assertion that we won't be #thinking it could possibly go any better than that is a fucking fairy tale. human nature doesn't work that way.#you simply cannot eliminate the human desire to designate and abuse a class of have-nots. the absolute best you can do is mitigate damage.#take it from someone who's been multiple kinds of disabled and chronically ill all my life. people will not “just”. ever.#i get this even from people who are otherwise very aware of and VERY GOOD at avoiding this sort of thinking #“i'm a disability advocate!” no you are not. you are a poster. my experience has taught me that what people advocate for in their free time #means precisely jack shit for how they will actually act when faced with the situations they make otherwise rational posts about #and the fact of the matter is even if you somehow really are the perfect disability advocate a majority of people WILL NOT BE YOU.#a majority of people in society will be margrat from accounting who clutches her pearls when she sees the gays and thinks autism isnt real #and who has never had a nuanced thought in her life and actively does not want to #a vast majority of people in your Vegan Utopia will not be you and your friends who march with wheelchair users and volunteer at the shelte #a vast majority of people in your Vegan Utopia will be jenny who starved 8 cats to death on broccoli because she can't be bothered #and who thinks that “carnivores” are actual nazis and don't deserve healthcare because she saw someone say that online.#ALWAYS assume your society will be made up mostly of the worst kind of person it can because it WILL ALWAYS BE TRUE and you can't change it #most people seek the low-effort option. and evil is most often banal and low-effort.#i'm just so fucking tired of every single even vaguely lefty-adjacent political movement simultaneously acting like i don't fucking exist #and at the same time that i need to be sacrificed to achieve Utopia. god. at least conservative whackjobs are upfront and honest about #how they think that i'm a burden on society that needs to be Eugenics'd . rather than trying to morally gaslight me about it.

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running-in-the-dark · 7 months ago

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it's been a month since we moved into the new apartment -

I'm so stressed. everything is stressful. we're still not done building the kitchen but it's getting there (slowly). mostly we just need to wait until we get a couple parts that weren't in stock when we ordered the rest. I'm hoping it'll be done by next weekend.

some of it is very frustrating with my brain specifically. I'm so bothered by all the tiny little things that no one else would even notice - like, some of the handles on the drawers are very slightly crooked (as in, less than a millimeter higher on one side) - but for me it's so obvious that it's impossible to ignore. my husband didn't even know what I meant when I pointed it out to him. there's also been a few slightly bigger issues, but we've solved them now (I think).

my eye has been twitching for like three to four weeks. not all the time obviously, but every few minutes. it's very, very annoying.

we still have no new info about when we'll have internet finally. it could take a while still.

on Monday a guy has to replace something in the electric roller shutters in one room - but we don't know which one yet. so either I'll have to let him into my room (awful, uncomfortable, will have to tidy up tomorrow so he could even get to the window), or I'll have to get both our cats into their carrier if it's the one in my husband's room (awful, difficult, one of them doesn't like that so he'll be scared and I'll feel bad).

also on Monday the electrician will install our stove (if he has time). then we're getting two ikea deliveries. and I've got an appointment with my (new) GP because I need a prescription, and I'm very (verrry) nervous about it.

I miss watching TV. I miss tumblr and YouTube and messaging my friends whenever I want and sending them photos all the time. I miss order and structure and (some level of) routine. I miss using real cutlery (we still haven't found ours lol).

when I was finally starting to get used to the noises in this place, the family above us moved in with their baby that cries all the time very very loudly and most of the time right above my room. so now everything is different again and I'm not adjusting well and once again I can't sleep.

but, I've listened to 14 audiobooks since we moved! that's been nice. it was the same way when we moved the last time (just over a year ago..). my favourite by far was The Thursday Murder Club. I've got the other ones in the series but I'm trying not to listen to them too quickly, so I'm gonna listen to three other books first (one is done already, so I should get there on Monday or Tuesday hopefully).

#long rambly post sorry #I miss talking about the random uninteresting shit that happens in my life on here all the time #I've got data on my phone again now at least so that's good. but the phone signal is still awful indoors so it's not that useful #but anyway.... logically I know I'm doing an okay job with unpacking and everything but it doesn't feel like it #also I'm probably gonna have to try to find at least a part time job pretty soon and I'm really really really scared. terrified.#not just of trying to find something and interviews and all that #but that I won't be able to handle it. physically and mentally. again.#I've only had one full time job (an apprenticeship actually) and I lasted 3 months.#and at my part time job I only lasted a month #like. I can barely get anything done in a day as it is. I have so little energy. everything is so fucking hard and exhausting #I truly don't understand how everyone does it. I don't understand how it's possible.#but if I don't find something we won't have money for food next month sooooo it is sort of kind of important #it sucks so fucking much. I can't stand or walk for long periods of time. can't do too much with my hands. I'm not good at dealing with #people/customers. I panic and can't think when I get nervous (which is most of the time). I can't remember shit.#so like. what job am I supposed to do??? everything hurts all the time already and I'm always tired and I'm barely keeping it together #fuuuuck this #😭#personal

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an-unexpected-trollogy · 6 months ago

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Oh to be Suzanne Collins and have little social media presence and to write a book regarding whatever current societal trend is bothering her at the moment.

#i am feeling. bothered. this weekend #i am hanging out with my wealthy cousins for their bridal shower--thank christ they are not asking me to bring anything--and tired #everyone always talking about their accomplishments and im liek... pls im wanting to go back to my boyfriend and cat right now #everyone asking what i'm doing for work--because that's all ppl seem to care about in this goddamn family--and i have to say #'i'm looking for something else'#like yoo i already lied a whole year about freelancing when really i was attempting to freelance but not getting anywhere #like i was all 'oh i make x a month just workig on my computer!' when really i was making diddly squat #end this fucking generational cycle of lying about yourself because you have to prove to everyone you are ok #i want the suzanne collins life where i can do my writing hobby without putting this fake social media persona on where i police my thought #and only post about cutesy happy things (since my genre is cozy fantasy; i have no intelligence to write anything more complex #and no passion to write anythign other than sf/f #BUT SHOUTOUT TO MY COUSIN'S HUSBAND WHO ASKED IF I READ AND MENTIONED THE WHEEL OF TIME SERIES AND MY NEURONS ACTIVATED LIKE 'HAVE YOU HEAR #OF PRATCHETT AND BRANDON SANDERSON AND GAIMAN? I CAN GIVE YOU RECS #but other than that i have to deal with my aunts bragging about their kids #one of my aunts is kind of colder and i always got this weird vibe from her like i had to earn her love which... ok. whatever. i also think #she considers me very dumb #the only bright side to any of this shit is im not in college anymore thank christ #all my cousins who are in college still have this... 'energy' around them #you know? that 'wanna kms low key but im pretending to smile and laugh' energy #delete later #tw family

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vincent-sinclair-deserved-better · 3 months ago

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hm

thinking of my blorbos but not in a "i love you you love me all is well" way but a "i love you hope you kill me" way lol

#cylas vents #negativity #negative #death wish #lmao #bitches be like '[potentially concerning thing]' and then add 'lol' as if it's funny or a joke lmao #like i mean technically it's not but then again it is bc it's me. like yeah don't worry don't take this seriously don't mind me ok #it doesn't really matter anyway kk. or maybe it's more like I'm the joke.#like idk the thought that like most of my f/os would probably kill me on sight should be less comforting than it is i guess #imagine casually making posts like this and still being like 'ok but maybe im not actually mentally ill maybe im faking maybe im lying to #myself maybe im making excuses maybe im imagining things maybe im just lazy' etc etc #none of the antidepressants since fluoxetine decided it's over have done shit and even my psychiatrist now is always like 'hm. so do you #want to keep trying other things' and like yeah what else can i do? therapy didnt do anything for this specific issue and the tagesklinik #lady didnt really seem to get my issue (well her suggestions for like therapy groups or whatever were more about socialising or whatever #like ??? girl that's really not the main problem here lmao but she also did have a point about how i would have to actually go there every #day etc but like #what else am i supposed to do #hi i am always tired and sometimes struggle to even get out of bed and thats why i worry about getting a job or something bc it could become #too much or whatever but like unfortunately thats kind of a requirement for everything lmao #when psychiatrist asks what i want/expect or whatever i am internally like 'a magic pill that just fixes everything and makes me a normal #functional human being' but like that's just not A Thing (tm)#so. like. what else am i supposed to do.#i don't want to be like this forever #idk how to tag lmai #using stuff like #tw suicidality #tw suicidal #tw suicidal ideation #just feels so over the top and like i dont have the right to use them lol

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cookinguptales · 1 year ago

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if you want to know where I am on my "dealing with wwdits s5" journey, I've got like six long meta posts in my notes on my laptop that I just haven't posted. lmao

I'm. workin through it.

#wwdits tag #I'm going back and forth on whether they'll ever be posted tbh #part of me is like 'if you stop posting your thoughts because you were getting harassment then you're giving them what they wanted'#'and telling them that it works to harass people'#but part of me is like 'so fucking what I'm tired of getting harassed'#frankly I've been in the middle of a bad flare for the past few days and I realized that tumblr was stressing me out #which was making it worse #and it felt so stupid to let tumblr drama actively make my health worse which was why I just kind of... left #are other people seriously not getting all these messages #how is it that all of my friends instantly DMed me to complain about the finale #but I also got a bunch of shit from people who hate that I complained about the end of the finale #are you guys??? not getting these messages too???#you hated it too are you not getting the fucking weirdos???#what makes me so special and how do I stop being special lmao #me: you should just ignore them and do what you want and not let them get to you #also me: but why is the onus on me to not feel hurt when people actively try to hurt my feelings #I'm not built for being noticed lmao #but I got too many words in me to stay quiet #The Worst tbh

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lucyvaleheart · 1 year ago

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#sigh. another vent post....#almost getting tired of making these but. I'm just.... I just don't really have much else I can do without botherin people #uh pretty big trigger warning for this one BTW #don't read on if you're low on spoons and whatnot. genuinely it's fine and I will be fine I always am #but like. yknow. when shit sucks it fucking sucks #anyway. uh. I just can't stand the idea that I might be bothering someone #so at least this way my stupid cries for help have a possibility of getting me some without making any specific #person feel obligated. yknow? maybe you see the post maybe you don't #Maybe you don't read all the way maybe you do. either way you can choose if you have the spoons to reach out #without feeling guilty either way. I hope.#.......i kind of want to fucking kill myself again #.....it used to be a much rarer thought. and I used to be much less struck by intense loneliness and longing like this #but I just feel so fucking needy. so desperate for attention and love and it hurts so much if I don't get it #and like. it's realistically nobody's fault but my own yknow... i need to ask for it more. i know that. i just suck at it #and then I can't ask. so I don't get attention. and in turn I feel neglected. secondary. like I'm not anyone's primary focus #and it just fucking hurts so much and it's just my own damn fault and I don't know how to fix it.#......i do. I need therapy I need meds or something. that's the answer here really #picked out a psychiatrist. need to call and make an appointment. but adhd and executive function and anxiety (that last one I need meds for)#mean it's very hard to both remember and then actually perform the task of calling the fucjing Dr #......believe me I'm trying.....like fuck I'm trying so hard.... and I started bawling having seen sparkles and ms robot girl reblog that #post from me about letting prev know you're proud of them. bawled when quinn called me cutie last night. bawled when #ginny said they wished they were here.... fuck me I do too I want to be the focus of someone's attention so so so so badly #fuck #...............it's redundant to say at this point a second time but. goddess above its a little scary how much I wanna kill myself #........sigh #....anyway. please do not feel obligated to respond to this in any way. do what you got the spoons for.#thank you for even reading all of this shit if you've gotten this far. i love you deeply and with all my heart. I'll be fine I promise #won't act on it no matter how strong the feeling is. just.....hurts in the meantime. but I'll be ok. I promise #................fuck. im going back to bed

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medicinemane · 3 months ago

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Honestly a lot of the time, it's not even about people having to agree with me, it's about needing to know that they actually heard and listened to what I had to say even if it didn't persuade them

Just... some basic indication that there's enough respect to give a shit about what I said, and also to make sure that they disagree because they actually disagree and not cause they just didn't bother listening

It's all I really ask

#I forgot what this was about part way through writing about it; but then I remembered it's about Ukraine #like I just need to know that you actually understand what's happening there and what people are going through #you want me to care about your thing? show me you have any any any grasp of what's going on in Ukraine #it's uh... it's too many friends where if I'm just honest... this is about them #people I adore but people where... I don't know if they ever even once listen to what I have to say #...though maybe it's better this way... at least if they just ignore me I can say they just don't understand what's going on #that they're just being fed lines by other people or don't care #...if... they... knew the shit Ukrainians go through and still didn't care... would be a lot harder to respect them #would take a certain level of callous to do that and... these are people I care about very much so #...but I don't know; eats at me... you know #...and even on less serious topics... boy I wish you'd ever listen to me #if it weren't for the fact you say you like me... I'd be pretty damn sure you can't fucking stand me and I do nothing but annoy you #...I don't know if you've... ever... listened to anything I've said on any subject #when you do; you usually correct me... even though; brilliant as you are... you're erm... not always right #I don't get it... I don't get you... every word I say seems to be wrong... I'm so stupid and you're so smart #and yet you get real upset when I want to die... so you must actually like me and our communication styles don't match up #thank god you never seem to read my tags... or... much of anything else I say #truthfully I'd follow you anywhere; and you can treat me any way you want #but man I don't think my thoughts or opinions matter to you even a little... I think I just exist to be your rubber duck #...that's how it feels anyway #but all that aside... just wish you'd listen to me on Ukraine cause it actually matters #this post started out about some other people too... and sure... I like them well enough; and they're maddeningly wrong #like sputnik levels or wrong #drives me nuts; like you're not stupid and you're not cruel so why do you act so stupid and cruel?... turn you brain on #but uh... I actually just don't care about them that much #where as you... I could put it into words... but I won't #it's just a shame... like forget any of the stuff about me; it's just you're so kind... wish you'd care about what's going on in Ukraine #...I gotta stop or I'll go on all night; and I'm already too tired #mm tag so i can find things later

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dxxtruction · 3 months ago

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#there is a wide margin of interpretation you can take with Armand and I'd like ppl to understand that.#We just quite actually do not have all accurate or full information on him but what we have is enough to prove #he is capable and culpable of all the things he is shown and proven to have done #I think a lot of the writing this season also was intentionally meant to confuse and make you doubt what is happening there. like actually #where do the lies start?#Now are all of them equally valid? Absolutely not. But I'm not like going to judge heavily people who have a different one.#A lot of bad ones (poorly backed) I get where that conclusion gets drawn from and for me it's just kind of fun to theorize those things #People claiming it as the right interpretation are a little like... okay chill out. But I think there can be room for that.#That is unless your ideas somehow vindicate or paint him as somehow also a victim of Louis like wtf are you doing at that point don't defen #him the dude is a massive piece of shit let him be a piece of shit.#It also doesn't make much sense to make him some great mastermind or somehow winning over something he's clearly shown not wanting?#its easier for me to see him as someone who doesn't have very fixed intentions or judgements on anything #his moral compass is self serving even when those morals are aligned to good things or a desire to be good #like he can see something as bad even undesirable and still do it if it serves some larger or more stable benefit to him #with little regard for who gets hurt in the process and with low empathy to see they could be hurt by it #And thats the most consistent thing about him is he falls to whatever is most beneficial w/o regard to others even when regarding them #& those good things r performative even if he's not intending it to be when it aids in exploiting other peoples view of him to an advantage #Or like when he goes about hiding under that persona to meet bad ends intentionally. (These go back and forth)#and something something the purpose of a system is what is does #there's little point in getting into the intentions of Armand when he consistently fails to do what he's claiming be #Idk tho honestly might not post iwtv stuff for a while I'm tired #There's a an amount of interpretation you can take about any other character too just there is so much more speculation there than elsewher

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thecherrygod · 6 months ago

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izzy-b-hands · 4 months ago

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My doctor messaging me at 12:30 in the morning to tell me she wants to do a telehealth visit abt the side effects I'm having with my new Lamotrigine dose (including worse insomnia than my usual insomnia, as u may have guessed lmao) is. something.

#text post #like i know why i am awake babe why are YOU awake this late #and god why do we have to do another visit #they aren't bad enough to make me stop this dose and i haven't been on the new dose long enough to let it even out #can i not just Not have to do another uncomfortable visit where even if things turn out okay after #i later feel like I'm still not being wholly trusted/treated like i know my body and how i feel #i had worse side effects restarting this med months ago and we didn't have any additional visits for that #they fucking forgot to even book me for a f/u and i had to call in and beg for one basically #and then they misbooked it for the wrong reason and with the wrong doctor #and made it out like it was my fault when i made clear i begged and told the receptionist i spoke to to book said appt #that it needed to b with my doc for the Lamotrigine and that i hadn't been told when to follow up so i was just. doing it #bc she said i needed to but then didn't say when to book it #they're trying hard and im trying to give them grace but then this shit happens and like #im tired. makes me want to go into my new doc like nah never mind im fine. don't ask me nothing and i won't bug you with anything #unless im dying or nearly dead already.#would suck beyond believe attempting to raw dog life mostly again but goddamn. im so sick of this lack of stability with my care #anyway. probably an appt next Tuesday which is great #that's the week of the weekend that i work again and the week before my bday #(a bday I'll be working now which I'm not normally irked abt but. i am a bit rn)#so cool. yeah. let's stack anxiety and fear over a medical appt on top of everything else for that week #and that's not counting that this weekend I've been tasked with buying and getting signed a v expensive and rare figure #for my mum's bf and I'm kind of terrified im gonna fuck it up #he paid for tickets to the con the figure will be sold at and that the person he wants to sign it will be at #so if i fuck this up he'll want (understandably) to be paid back asap for that #and that's money i don't fucking have rn #i really wish she had waited till the actual day proper to contact me bc i couldn't sleep before this #and now i definitely cant bc like #it's dumb. but what if she takes my med away. it isn't perfect but it works better than any other med I've tried #what if she wants me to try a new one. i cant do that and b dealing with major side effects during the intense work schedule #that'll be happening for me v soon and then into November

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arcadequeerz · 11 months ago

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Oh mind electric we're really in it now.

#Cade.Txts #i think about tht song all the time.#when they say: Someone help me / Understand what's Going on Inside my Mind! / Doctor I can't tell if I'm Not Me!#I felt tht shit #like man.................me too.#idk tht bit of lyrics has always kinda hit me hard specifically.#Anyways how is everyone doin. sorry I don't ;ost much anymore.#I am posting on my stimblog mostly now BHINJGFDNI if u wanan see stimboards check it out.#im doing a series of stimboards on my favorite pokemon #so far got two boards out already d:)#Wanna keep working on it but i should also make gifs of stuff.#been kind of stressed by shit lately thts unrelated. worried about bigfoot.#he's been acting weird lately. real sluggish n tired. his teeth are bad- n we need to take him to get them checked #but it cost like. 600 to just get a few teeth taken from our dog frankie.#s o. -slides stimboard commission post on my stimblog- /nf #dont like advertising it. feels weird making things for money but if he does need teeyh removed #idk any other way i could make money for it.#hes just got me worried. he's a old man- even tho i always forget he is-#thinking about losing him scares me. am probably rly over thinking shit- he's old course he sleeps n lays around a lot.#but im stil worried.#ANYWHO. stimboard grind 24/7

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transgender-catboy · 1 year ago

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I love my friends

#i think im just going to talk in the tags for a moment. got a lot on my mind #for starters. the fnaf movie comes out soon. really looking forward to that. think its gonna be awesome and amazing and I'm super excited!!!#secondly. waiting on funds so i can buy that mask i saw the other day and some Halloween candy from Walmart #i . want to do little goodie bags for the kids in my building. but im too scared to go up to their parents and ask candy preference and #allergy concerns. so. idk. maybe I'll just save it. I think it's a cute concept but it makes me feel like my mother.#she loved to do little gift things for people. but it was always people that didn't like her. i don't want to be that way #i know my value. i know my time and energy means something. i don't want to waste it on people who don't give a shit. ya know?#not saying the kids are those kinds of people. not what i mean. but just as an overall thing. i don't like being like her.#...yeah. i dunno. you get raised by one person your whole life. you pick up some of their characteristics #i can't sob without sounding like her. safe to say i am a little emotionally constipated. so i seek other means to relieve that feeling.#like yesterday when i threw up. i played it off like that was a blunder on my body. but i know what i did.#hey. at least it's not the other method. right?. .. yeah. okay. i know. not great either #but it hurts. and I'm so fucking sick and tired of crying over her. genuinely. it's exhausting crying all the time #but that's the only way I can get those emotions out #I've tried to do the counseling thing. but other things made that impossible. then i moved.#and i tried the grief thing but instead i just got a talking buddy? he helps me get out of the house yeah.#but we dont talk about her #... i dunno. I'm just here.#guess i waited long enough. now you get a mini secret. every time i make an i love my friends post. I'm reminding myself why I'm still going #I'm usually sitting around somewhere in my apartment (desk couch bed) crying. alone. thinking about you guys.#so uh. thank you.#i love you guys so much. and i don't know where I'd be without you #probably dead.#💖#vent

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ticklykisses · 1 year ago

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i probably need a break from this blog lol. i swear i will see any negatively worded post and regardless of who it's directed at or even what the contents of the post itself are, and i will look at it, and i will think, "ah! clearly this is an attack directed at me personally because op hates me specifically and wants me to know that"

#yeah yeah mental illness i know #i'm just so fucking tired of never really being able to tell when people actually hate me and want me to fuck off #like for the love of god i will go away if you really want me to but please just tell me directly instead. please holy shit.#i can not fucking take people making these little vague posts about me thinking i'm too stupid to notice #i promise you that you can word any negative vague as ambiguously as possible and i will still become paranoid that it's actually about me #just fucking. don't DO that.#this is not a vague abt moots or even anyone who follows me or actually even any one at all #i am having a paranoid spiral rn and i am not capable of communicating my feelings in kind and polite ways

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