#this is the job i begged and cried and prayed for mind you

[tieyourlacesman]

hiii 🥹🌟

[maudeeloise]

God i need a part two of Sworn Enemies

The reader tells the whole situation to rhaenyra who is very disappointed that her son denies his own child because of an absurd rumor.

The reader wants her to dissolve the marriage but rhaenyra tells her to make jace beg for the reader's forgiveness and jace does anything for the reader's forgiveness.

I want the reader to be a complete girlboss 💋☝️

Pleas of Pardon || j.v

Pairing : Jacaerys Velaryon x reader

Warning : none

A/N : soooo… i changed some parts a bit, but the plot is still the same. this is the second part of this

You couldn’t remember the last time you had seen Jace — not that you were protesting, but a small part of you hoped for him to at least apologize before completely disappearing.

When your family first arranged you to marry Jace, you were left with no choice but to accept. The only hope left in you was for him to spare a chance for the marriage to work, even though you knew it was far too impossible to happen. That hope instantly vanished the same night he departed.

Not a single soul in the kingdom knew where he had gone. You were too ashamed to ask so the best you could do was to eavesdrop the whispers of the servants when you had your morning and evening walks around the castle. It wasn’t your fault, but you couldn’t help but to feel disappointed of yourself.

I failed, you thought to yourself as you pictured how your parents would perceive you once they heard about the rocky marriage you had with Jace.

“Where had the smile I used to know gone?” Rhaenyra asked as she came to sit next to you one afternoon at the staircase. Her eyes were filled with pity. Her smile was small. “I have missed the joyful lady who loved to retelling our people’s myths.”

You shook your head, looking down at your hands as you played with your fingers. “There’s nothing for you to be concerned about. I’m alright.”

“The whole kingdom has heared, don’t you think I haven’t?” Rhaenyra hinted a sad smile.

You shook your head, still avoiding any eye contact with your husband’s mother. “Am I a bad wife?”

Rhaenyra smile instantly fell at your words. “What do you mean? Have you done something?”

“Not that I could remember.” Your vision became blurry as the tears formed in your eyes. “I’ve tried to fix our relationship, but it’s difficult when we both know we loathed each other. I’m sure you’re familiar with that too.”

“The marriage has been done—“

“I figured that it’s best for the marriage to be dissolved.” You looked up to Rhaenyra. Your teary eyes met her surprised ones. “For the sake of ourselves. I’ll leave the land if it is needed, but I’m asking for you to let me raise the baby.”

Rhaenyra’s mouth was agape. She blinked a few times as she processed your request. “I-.” Her gaze moved elsewhere. “I’ll talk to Jace.”

“And the marriage?”

An answer you longed to hear never came as Rhaenyra stood up and left you sitting on the staircase perplexed.

Her name was stuck on the back of your throat. You wanted to call her and made her stop on her track. But instead you let out a sigh in defeat. Your body leaned against the wall weakly. Your hoping eyes stayed at Rhaenyra’s figure as she slowly disappeared behind the walls.

Lost. A word which best described your state. You were so used to having your sister by your side, supporting your needs and guaranteed you the happinnes you deserved. Then when you were on your own, you could only pray to the Gods, hoping for everything to go well, but instead it went the opposite.

Your arms hugged yourself tightly as your body balled against the wall beside you. A symbol of fear and loneliness.

Tears were threatening to fall as your breathing quickened. Your mind rushed with voices, mostly telling yourself how you couldn’t do a simple job and how you should’ve lower your ego.

You held your legs tighter to your chest as you silently sob. The sound of your soft cries echoed through the empty staircase and hallway. You couldn’t careless, you just needed someone.

The voice on your head kept screaming in your head until it hit you. You were on your own. You had no one, but yourself and your infant needed you.

Slowly, you unwrapped your arms from yourself. Your legs stretched out carefully before bringing yourself on your feet. Your fingers grazed across the stone surface of the wall as you walked towards your chambers.

You needed to leave. You needed to run away. You needed to safe yourself for the sake of you and the baby.

You jogged around the room as you collected all the little things that you felt like you needed. All the items were shoved inside her pocket bag.

“What am I missing?” You mumbled to yourself.

Your eyes scanned around the room to bring yourself the answer you needed. They landed on the wine bottle which was standing on your nightstand. A lazy smile danced on your lips before you brought yourself towards the object.

Just as you were about to get your hand on the bottle, the door to your chamber cracked open. Your head spun towards the source of the sound. Your eyes stared in horror at the thought of getting caught in the act. A long shadow of someone walking in to the room made your heart skipped a beat then it stopped when your eyes met his.

Your body froze on it’s place. A look of horror masked your future, but you slowly calmed once you studied his face. His sad eyes and almost pouted lips made you barely recognize the man standing on the other side of the room.

“Jace.” You breathed out.

“Y/N.” He called under his breath.

There was a long pause, each waited for the other to continue, but neither said anything.

Jace knew he was wrong, despite how much he hated you. A small part of him kept telling him to talk to you after that night, but he had to big of an ego, so he chose to avoid you instead of apologizing.

What he didn’t expect was for his mother who loved him dearly to side with her. At that point he knew he had to talk to you. He had to admit that he was wrong. He had to apologize and maybe more or anything else to get you to forgive him.

“I-“ Jace cleared his throat, slightly avoiding your eyes. “What are you doing?”

You furrowed your eyebrows. Anger slowly increased inside you as you feel your heart clenched. Is he bluffing?

“Nothing.” You kept your voice low, trying to control yourself from bursting out at him.

Jace awkwardly nodded before moving his gaze anywhere else but you. He suddenly found the chamber interesting whilst he studied the room.

Something didn’t feel right, he thought.

His eyes saw the small pocket bag on the couch, the cloak on the bed, and how your body kneeled too close to the bottle on the nightstand.

“Are you planning to leave?” Jace asked, his voice was laced with a hint of dejection.

You almost gave in. Almost. The way his face fell and his lips turned down into a frown. How his eyes showed longing and regret. You almost changed your mind.

You inverted your gaze from him slightly and fixed your posture. As you turned to face him, you forced yourself to show no emotion. He needed to know he deserved it.

“And what if I am?” You challenged him.

“You’re taking our baby with you!?” The frequency of his voice hightened, making the sentence sounded more like an accusation than a question.

“That’s not fair.” You whispered. “You accused me of cheating and held to your beliefs that the baby isn’t yours! How dare you include yourself on deciding whether the baby should be with me or not?”

Jace opened and closed his mouth, stopping himself from taking the argument further. He took a deep breath to calm himself.

“My apologies.” You raised an eyebrow. “I shouldn’t have accused you despite how much I hated you. I was too blinded with my emotions and I forgot that you have feelings too. I deserve every second of your loath for the rest of my life, but I’m begging for you to stay. Please, don’t leave. Please don’t take the baby away from me. I’ll do anything, I promise!”

There was a long pause. You looked down at your hands as an excuse to dismiss him from your view. You didn’t say anything, as if you were waiting for him to say more.

“Please say something.” Jace took a step towards you hesitantly.

“I need a moment.” You said shortly without bothering to give him a glance. You stood up and walked past him, leaving your shared chambers.

———————————————————————————

@semisutopia @anehkael @kaiawolf @maddie-jayne @shadowmoonlight0604 @aemondwhoresworld @cedigz

[ilovetoxicfictionalmen]

ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR - PART 1

Pairing - Jonathan Crane x fem!reader

Summary - When you were attacked in your own home, you confined yourself with Jonathan to help you heal. Until you learn a sickening truth that changes everything.

Warnings - extreme NON-CON, dub con, rough sex, drugging, oral, hand job, grinding, manipulation, stalking, controlling.

Word count - 6.9k+

Notes - I've been working on this for a long time and after many rewrites, this is the first of a two part story. This simple idea turned out to be so long that I had to split it up otherwise I would never finish it. Probably the darkest story I've written. Please note story isn't in chronology order. Comments/messages are urged if this even deserves the second part please. And I'm sorry but I hate proof reading.

For the first time forever, you felt as if you’ve finally recognised your priorities. You wanted Jonathan, you needed Jonathan. In desperate need of your call for help, you visualized screaming his name. Not the authorities, not a knight in shining armor, not a God, it was Jonathan. 

No matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t stop trembling as you remained curled up in a ball in your kitchen. The room was as dark as the deepest corner of a cave and it was as cold as ice on this winter’s night. All of your thoughts didn’t match up with each other as if they were scrambled in a pan like eggs, you struggled to remember where and who you were. 

Hesitantly, you gripped onto the edge of the counter, your knuckles turned white as you pulled your aching body up as your hands searched and patted over the counter top. Feeling the home phone in your shaking hand, the buttons flashed a dim white light, but it was all a blur to you as you dialed the number. Holding the phone to your ear with an unsteady grip, you listened to the phone ring. Praying to any God that he would answer. Right when you thought the call was going to ring out, you heard his breathing on the other end of the line for a brief moment.

Your friendship had recently hit rock bottom with Jonathan, it was your fault, you know it was. You shouldn’t have been drinking in such an emotional state, you shouldn't have dressed the way you did, you shouldn’t have looked at him in that manner. You were selfish, merely wanting somebody’s complete attention. You've always led on Doctor Jonathan Crane, the ruthless misanthrope psychiatrist who had an undying obsession with you. But that night, you foolishly crossed the line you were determined to stay away from.

“What is it?” Jonathan answered, not sounding pleased to be answering a call at this time of the night, or by you, most likely both. But you were so relieved to hear his voice that you couldn’t help but to sob out loud. It felt like a massive weight was lifted off of your shoulders yet you never felt more empty. Your voice choked as you attempted to say something, anything. “Darling? What’s wrong?” Jonathan continued, his tone completely switching as he voiced his concern. 

“I- Johnny… I-I” you cried, lost for words. 

Your mind was still fuzzy as you looked down at your body, your pajama shorts ripped in multiple spots and dried fluids all over your flesh. You could hear him begging you to tell him what was wrong, had something happened to you? But you were still too deep in a state of shock and confusion to say anything. No matter how desperately you wanted to beg Jonathan to come save you, all you could do was sob. 

“Calm down, I’m leaving right now sweetheart. I’ll be there as soon as I can. Please stay calm darling” he promised you before hanging up the line. If he could stay on the phone with you, he would.  

As the line went dead, you collapsed back onto the floor, curling back up into a ball as your body trembled in mental and physical distress. No matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t do as he asked, how could you stay calm after this?

Jonathan used the spare key you gave him to open the door and quickly punched in the security code to your alarm system. Rushing down the dark hallway, he was calling out your name repetitively and flicked on the lights in the kitchen to reveal the heavily intoxicated you. Jonathan rushed to your side and kneeled, your eyes were glued shut from fear, your teeth chattering as he slowly went to touch your shoulder. Startled, you shrieked and flung yourself back, hitting your head on the wooden counter which caused flashing white lines through your darkened sight. 

“Shhhh” Jonathan soothed, pulling your body towards him, embracing you. Your body was as stiff as stone under his. “It’s just me sweetheart. Jonathan, it’s Johnny” he clarified, rubbing your back as he pressed his warm lips to your cold temple. 

Your mind was still unclear with whatever hardcore substance was in your system and you struggled to keep your eyes open. Your skin felt filthy, as if you were drenched in grease. It was difficult to breathe, your chest tight and throat dehydrated. The feeling of agony weighed heavy on you, keeping you locked to the cold tiled floor. You looked at Jonathan with hesitation through teary eyes, not trusting him. 

When you realized it really was him you cried into his chest, letting it all out, holding onto him for dear life. Gently cooling by your ear to help calm you down, Jonathan rocked you back and forth as his eyes wandered around the lit room. He could see the havoc of your kitchen. The utensils spread all over the counter, broken glass and water on the floor.

“I’m here, you’re safe now” Jonathan promised you and despite your disoriented state, you knew his words to be true. 

Doctor Jonathan Crane was an intriguing character. Many would use precise words such as: bumptious, narcissistic, cunning and barbaric when describing him. He was a walking hazard. They’d all warn you to stay away from him, he was expressed as a psychotic genius who lets Hell rain in Arkham Asylum through his experiments for his own intellectual growth. 

To you, he was kind, understanding and never failed to make you feel like the most important person in the room. You cannot lie, your friendship with Jonathan was certainly unconventional. But Jonathan was smitten by you, and you felt tenderness with the idea of always having someone there for you. 

After almost an hour of blubbering on the floor, you laid back in the passenger seat in a dopey state, wrapped up in his coat as he cautiously drove you back to his house, gazing over to you every few seconds. The paranoia of that man, that monster coming back was too overbearing. Jonathan inwardly deemed that he would be able to take better care of you. He never had optimism in others, especially to the care of you. When the engine’s rumbled came to a sudden silence in the garage, Jonathan completely looked over to you, his fingertips brushing over your jawline. He grabbed your small bag in the backseat first, he’d pick up more belongings in the morning. Opening the car door for you, he wrapped his arm around you protectively and picked you off the ground bridal style. 

“Do you have any idea what he gave you sweetheart?” Jonathan projected as he carried you to his bedroom, laying you on the bed. Gently, you shook your head. “Well, you don’t look like you're overdosing…” Jonathan observed, checking your pulse. “But better to be safe than sorry” he murmured. 

Jonathan disappeared and reappeared swiftly, standing by your side with medical equipment. The vital signs were quickly checked. Besides your disorientation and heightened sense of fear, you showed no physical symptoms of an overdose. 

“Any chest pains? Nausea? Abdominal pain?” Jonathan asked slowly and you continued to shake your head. Humming in response, Jonathan searched through his bag and picked out a tablet. “Take this” he instructed. 

But you were skeptical as you squinted your eyes to the small white pill. Jonathan sighed and motioned the pill towards your lips. Your dry lips parted as he slipped the pill into your mouth, followed by the rim of a water bottle to help swallow it down.

“You need a bath, then I’ll make you some tea, okay?” Jonathan told you, caressing your forearm. 

Nodding in agreement, you watched Jonathan slip into the ensuite and you heard the water running, Your body lightly trembled as you closed your eyes and when you opened them again, you were in the bath with Jonathan kneeling beside you as he ran a cloth up and down your now warm skin, his sleeves rolled up to his elbows. The water had a scent in it, lavender you believed. The steam dancing up into thin air over the water. 

You looked around your surroundings and then down as you saw your exposed body. Your arms instinctively went to cover yourself as your whimpers began to grow. A hush left Jonathan’s lips as his hand intertwined with yours to help calm you. He gave you a stern stare that screamed for you to stay calm. Yet his soft eyes were begging you to trust him, you took a deep breath in and laid your head back. It’s nothing Jonathan hasn’t seen after all. 

Jonathan wrapped the towel around you tightly after he guided you out of the tub, his hands rubbing up and down your shoulders as he walked you into his walk-in wardrobe. He helped you dress into your pajamas, yet the short sleeves and pants made you feel insecure. Your arms wrapped around your body and Jonathan cocked an eyebrow to you. After studying your expression, he pulled out his old university hoodie and slid it over your head. You sighed in relief, the scent of him still strongly on the fabric. 

Trailing after him like a lost puppy to the kitchen, he flicked on the kettle and plucked out an apple from the fruit bowl. Whilst waiting for the kettle to boil, he quickly sliced the apple into bite sized pieces and hand fed you bit by bit. 

“It’ll help calm your mind” Jonathan exhaled as he poured the hot water into the herbal tea. The mug was set beside you as he watched you momentarily, waiting for the tea to cool down. 

After a few minutes you took a small sip and breathed out, fresh tears pricking at your strained eyes. Everytime you closed your eyes you could see him, that monster, creature. Shifting your focus directly onto your tea, the two of you stood in silence, Jonathan’s eyes still set on you. The clock read 4:08 as its hands ticked loudly. 

He took your mug as you finished it. “I’ll sleep on the couch” he stated, gently pushing you in the direction of the bedroom. You came to a sudden stop as you turned around to face him. 

“Please don’t… Stay with me” you weakly begged, dreading the idea of being alone. 

Jonathan’s eyes softened as he nodded in agreement and he guided you to the bedroom. He laid you comfortably on the bed and vanished into the walk-in wardrobe, returning in cozy pants and a long sleeve top. You slipped underneath the bed as his blue eyes stalked you, Jonathan slithered onto the bed and underneath the covers like a snake, pulling your fragile body towards his. Your breathing was staggered as laid your head on his firm chest, he left the lamp on, caressing your back as your tired eyes urged you to shut them but you were too afraid of seeing him again. 

After what felt like hours of just laying there, even though it was only a few minutes, your breathing got rougher as the memories began to control your thoughts. Your hand wrapped around his side firmly and Jonathan looked down. 

“Breathe in darling” Jonathan whispered. 

“What?” you frowned, looking up to him. 

“Breath in” he softly smiled, you did as he said. “Now breathe out” he continued on. Breathing out, Jonathan coached you to do it over and over again. 

Your chest relaxed as you laid your head back onto his chest, your tired eyes taking over you as you continued to breathe in and out at a steady pace. He whispered calming thoughts by your ear, he was so good with words.

“That’s a good girl” Jonathan whispered as you fell into a deep slumber, free from fear just for now. 

You met Jonathan at Gotham University. Everyone on campus despised him, a cocky know it all who’d jump at a debate whenever it raised on the surface. Jonathan was the first in all of his classes, no matter how hard all of the other students tried, he was unbeatable. But you couldn’t help but to be curious with his presence when you’d see him around campus. He was cute, charming if he wore the right clothes, but he was certainly a unique character. Jonathan was passionate, eager and sharp. 

He was in the year above you so you never had a real reason to talk to him. But if you’d walk past him in the hallways you’d greet him, he would never reply back however, hardly acknowledge your existence nevertheless. Yet sometimes you’d look up wherever you were on campus and catch him watching you. Like you were a gazelle in an open field. Usually people would instantly look away after being caught, but he continued to stare, as if he was studying you, dissecting you apart with his ocean blue eyes. 

It wasn’t until your second year when he approached you in the campus gardens, blocking off the sunlight, you looked up to the boy with dark hair. “Is it Professor Dickens or Winston that has you in such a state of distress?” Jonathan questioned you cockily, staring down at you with a sly grin, his hands behind his back. His rectangular framed glasses made him look goofy yet somewhat intimidating. 

After a short silence, you responded with a light chuckle, “Dickens” and Jonathan hummed loudly.  

“Ah, I do not speak from experience. However, many find Professor Dickens to be rather… rigorous” Jonathan replied, leaning over to look at the book you were studying. “I remember that textbook, it was rather unchallenging. What are you struggling with?” Jonathan asked, kneeling down next to you now to look at your jots in your notebook. 

“All of it really” you sighed, furrowing your eyebrows at how he is actually associating himself with you. “I had to leave town for a few days, my grandma was very ill. Professor Dickens didn’t approve of my appeal for an extension” you muttered slightly, feeling a wave of anger at the situation. 

“No issue, I was Professor Dickens star pupil” Jonathan responded, taking your notebook off of you without consent. Jonathan was all of his Professors’ star pupil. “I’ll be sure to make you the next” he grinned at you.

Your peculiar friendship rapidly continued to blossom over the months. Multiple times of the week you’d find yourself residing somewhere hidden on campus with Jonathan, sharing reports, experiments and research with one another. He became your mentor, tutor, inspiration to strive for brilliance in your education. 

Jonathan didn’t seem to be as evil as everyone made him out to be. However, you quickly realized that this behavior was merely reserved towards you. Not that he ever did any romantic gestures towards you. You could just read his eyes like a children’s book. Shamefully, you liked Jonathan, a lot more than you wanted to. Jonathan was a puzzle that you had this urge to try to solve, yet at times the pieces you’d connect together felt sinister which you ignorantly chose to ignore.

To Jonathan’s clear distaste, you were already in a relationship. Daniel was your high school sweetheart, but that relationship quickly went sour as you graduated. If you weren’t so comfortable with him, you would have broken up with him at the first red flag. No one should put up with the abuse and neglect he showed you. Especially with the bad habits he had picked up during your relationship. But you were young and naive, too afraid of what life would look like without him. 

Jonathan became aware of his maltreatment towards you when he noticed a light bruise over your jaw and a horrible excuse as to how it occurred. He knew you were lying by the way your cheeks would turn a few shades darker. This situation was no exception. But he said nothing, surprising with how he was always proud to state his opinion. Jonathan unhappily went along with your little lie to keep you content. 

Then, Daniel disappeared into thin air. Packed up all of his belongings abruptly in the middle of the night and never saw his face again. It wasn’t a surprise really, he had a cocaine issue, most likely made a few bad friends in the dark alleys of Gotham. You weren’t sure he ran away, or if something far sinister had occurred. Nevertheless, it was a shattering experience. But you had Jonathan to lean on for support and you couldn’t be anymore grateful. 

Expectedly shortly after, Jonathan confessed his feelings for you confidently yet emotionlessly. He was extremely understanding when you said that you couldn’t think about seeing people again yet and how you’d hate to ruin your friendship. Because it did mean so much to you. Jonathan only couldn’t resist keeping those thoughts inside of him any longer. Your friendship continued on like normal. 

When Jonathan earned his doctorate, you demanded he’d celebrate with you. As if he even had any other options. You were going to plan him a special night, but he had already beat you to it, he was such a control freak. The night was spent at one of Gotham’s finest restaurants. He wore his finest black suit and you wore a gorgeous bodycon silk green dress. It was the first time you had ever drank with Jonathan, you had a bottle of champagne on ice to share. Traditionally, Jonathan placed his card in the folder and flashed you a grin. It was one of the best nights of your life, living in luxury, gratefully with him. 

“I know I told you no gifts, but there is one thing that I wish from you” Jonathan exhaled as he parked his car outside of your apartment block. He looked over to you slowly and you could feel your heart pound in your chest, your throat tighten as if something had tied rope around it. 

You knew exactly what path he was walking down, this day was bound to pounch back at you again. When else then after an unofficial romantic dinner at one of Gotham’s finest?

“Yes Johnny?” You awkwardly chuckled, the streetlamps illuminating his expression of despair. 

“A kiss” he whispered, his look begging you to agree with him as he straightened his posture. 

“Jonathan” you warned, breaking eye contact immediately. What else should you have expected? It was your typical romantic dinner, he paid the bill, now you had to pay up with a different currency. 

“Just once… Every time I heard students snicker behind my back about how I… Couldn't pull…” Jonathan’s tongue clicked as if a drop of venom fell onto it. “I could never help but to feel embarrassed with them being correct, for once” he continued on, looking away from you in the same. “But yes, I have never had the pleasure of kissing a woman before, especially someone as beautiful as you” Jonathan admitted, sighing dramatically at the embarrassment.  

“Never?” You frowned towards him, feeling slightly guilty. 

As if it wasn’t as clear as day, he never spoke about his natural urges with you. A part of you was convinced that he would come out as asexual one day. It was all so extremely rare for him to get along with others, he would never do a sneaky link, especially during the academic period. No wonder he was always such an asshole to others. 

“Unfortunately my brilliance in psychology doesn’t even out my ill-manners towards others” Jonathan exhaled, biting on his lips at the unfortunate truth. 

Perhaps it was the champagne urging you towards him, but Jonathan just looked so sweet and innocent right now. You couldn’t help but to feel sympathy for him, especially after all he has done for you. 

“One kiss…” you stated, holding up one finger. 

Jonathan gently nodded and leant towards you eagerly, his hands snaked to your back to pull your bodies together. If only you could hear how rapid his heartbeat was. He was hesitant, so you closed the distance and pressed your lips against his. 

Jonathan hummed, his mouth opening ajar for his tongue to slip out, subconsciously you allowed his slippery tongue inside your warm mouth. His hands slowly slid up your back as your tongues danced together in the silent atmosphere. Right as you noticed your body being drawn to him you abruptly pulled yourself away from him. The pair of you silently caught your breath. 

There was a brief moment of silence, your mind still registering how intense of a kiss that was. How strong it felt when it should have felt like nothing. 

“Thank you darling” Jonathan smiled as he leaned back into his seat, but his hand danced over yours and you allowed him to. 

“We need to find you a hooker to get you laid” you laughed, playfully smacking his hand. 

If your studies didn’t teach you much of manipulation, Jonathan sure did. He was a puppeteer, you’d never want him to attach strings to you. Considering how afraid you were of getting his claws on you, you seemed to forget the leash you had on Jonathan. He’d do anything for you, you’d be lying if you said that you’ve never taken advantage of that. But at the end of the day, your relationship with Jonathan was simple and fundamental. To his dismay, you wouldn’t have it any other way.

There was this unwritten debt between Jonathan and yourself. He gave you favor after favor without hesitation over the years accompanied by a toothy grin. Jonathan continued to mentor you in your last year of university despite having a demanding full time profession. Landed you an interview at Arkham Asylum when you were in desperate need of a job. It was only temporary to be in the forensic psychiatric department, working with the criminally insane just wasn’t your ideal workplace unlike Jonathan’s. You were much more interested in neuropsychiatry. He gave you an excellent reference for your current job. Realistically, you shouldn’t have gotten the job with a salary that good, but he made it work. Jonathan has been your rock for years, you egocentrically seemed to forget how much you really did depend on him. 

It made you feel like a horrible person, but he was already clingy enough with you, not that you seemed to complain, you enjoyed the company. You’d talk most days despite your busy schedules. The pair of you would spend the majority of your free days together by exploring museums, watching theater performances or going out for a lovely meal. The blind eye would assume the pair of you were a couple, sometimes you even wondered if you were. 

Jonathan hated it when you hung out with others, especially if you didn’t tell him prior. A foul word never slipped his mouth, but you could hear it all in his tone, if not see it in his stern expression. Sometimes you’d tell him of your dates just to get him to back off every once in a while. Doctor Jonathan Crane was a jealous man around you, because he couldn’t have you the way he wanted to. A part of you grew to find it stimulating over the course, because he had no control in the situation. 

Yet your love life was hopeless. The vitality of your sex life purely depended on one night stands after a drunken night out. Whenever you were asked on a date, he’d ghost you before the second date. So you gave up on dating for a long time, focusing on your work instead. At the end of some nights with an empty bottle of wine, you’d think of Jonathan, the potential there was with him. But you would always feel your stomach turn, or throat tighten at the thought of being completely his. 

But then, you unexpectedly fell for your new coworker Anthony Gray. Anthony was a total catch, confident, charming, respected, physically built and loving. There was this instant spark that neither of you wanted to deny, eager to pounce on the sensation. Within the workplace you found yourself sneaking around with him, kissing him, touching him, feeling him inside of you. The workplace had a conflict of interest policy, let alone a no fucking on the job policy. The two of you kept your affair hidden, there were eyes everywhere in Gotham and you’d be stupid to get fired over having dinner in the wrong place. If it wasn’t in the building, you’d be at one or another’s house. It was a thrilling sensation to keep your relationship a secret from everyone in Gotham, including Jonathan, but the pair of you were figuring out how to make it work publicly. 

Telling Jonathan of your little love affair was the least of your priorities even though the relationship was growing more stable by the day. Even though you never gave him any hints of mutual affection, he seemed to be eternally entranced by you. Patiently waiting for the opportunity to have you, claim you, own you.

Unknowingly, well slightly knowingly, you distanced yourself from Jonathan. Only by missing a few phone calls from him and sounding distracted over the phone when you did answer. Typically, Jonathan picked up on this unusual behavior within a snap. Suddenly showing up on your doorstep one day as if to catch you out, with a loaf of bread in his hands. 

“Oh, Johnny! What brings you here?” You chuckled, looking him up and down. 

“It had been a while, so I thought I’d surprise you. Grabbed it from that market place we use to go to every weekend” he answered, heavily emphasizing on the words ‘use to’. 

After an awkward moment of silence, you took a step back and gestured to him to come inside, he took your offer instantly. 

“So, what have you been up to?” Jonathan asked, his tone making it sound like a demanding question. 

“Just working really, going out a few times” you replied, hoping the lie will lead him down the wrong path as you pulled out the bread knife from the block. Jonathan hummed as he dropped the bread onto the cutting board, almost in a forceful manner. You turned back to him, frowning as you tried to read his emotion. 

You’d think with your doctorate in psychiatry you’d be able to completely read him right now, but in moments like this, he was a wolf hidden amongst the trees.

“Everything okay Johnny?” You murmured. 

There was a low groan that left his lips, his eyes twitching slightly as he debated to say what he really wanted to say. “Just backed up with a lot of paperwork” Jonathan eventually answered, spinning on his heel to pull the butter out from the fridge.  

You weren’t ready to shatter his heart into millions of pieces, not yet. Especially in such an isolated setting, it made you feel anxious to the core. Just a few more weeks, of peace, of zen with Anthony. Then you’d break the news to Jonathan, perhaps your friendship too, and most certainly his heart. 

You brought Anthony over to your house the next day, unaware of a lingering figure across the street who’s knuckles turned white and teeth gritted together. 

After a few slow knocks, you lowered your head as you waited patiently for the door to open. You look down at your dress again, you had changed your clothes multiple times. Everything you put on made you feel ugly and insecure. The door swung open, Jonathan gave you a sympathetic look as he gestured you to come inside. His hands briefly rested on your shoulder as he took off your coat, revealing your simple yet elegant black dress. Leading you to the living room, you sat on the space gray couch, eyes looking over the small cheese board. 

Jonathan wandered off to the kitchen, his back turned to you as he picked up two wine glasses and a fine bottle of shiraz. The sound of the dark red substance gracefully falling into the glass filled your ears as you played with the rim of your dress. 

“So, how are you feeling?” Jonathan asked softly, standing tall as he held out your glass. 

“Like shit” you mumbled, accepting the glass without hesitation and downing half of it within one big chug. Jonathan snorted lightly as he sat down next to you. 

“Darling, darling, darling” he sighed, his lips resting on the rim of the glass. You rolled your eyes at his lecture like tone and expression. Feeling like he was going to scold you like a child. “You should have had me meet him first, for a third party perspective and opinion” Jonathan continued on after he took a sip. 

“Didn’t realize this was mediation Jonathan” you gritted your teeth. 

When Anthony didn’t show up to work one day, you found it extremely odd. Presuming that he would have contacted you if he wasn’t going to be showing up. You had messaged him a couple of times during the day but they were all left on delivered. It wasn’t until you got home from a tiring day's work that you saw the letter in your mailbox. By the time you got to his house, everything looked to have been moved out through the open blinds. 

“I’m sorry darling, I am” Jonathan swore. 

It was an opposing response from Jonathan. Yes, he was sorry with how negative you were feeling, but he couldn’t help but to feel happy at the outcome of your relationship. His fingertips brushed over your bare knee as you finished the glass, motioning the empty glass towards Jonathan for a refill. 

He chuckled lightly and took the glass from you. The taste of grapes lingered on your tongue as you waited for his return. The glass was almost filled to the rim. Jonathan wasn’t much of a drinker, he always claimed how alcohol could kill his intellectual potential. But on nights like these, he made an exception for you. 

When you were three drinks in, your thoughts and emotions came to light, just as Jonathan predicted. “I just-” you slurred, fingers trailing over the rim of the glass. Your eyes watered at the thought of Anthony and how he left you without proper closure. You blinked hard, the wine hitting you much harder than predicted, perhaps that’s what happens when you’ve hardly eaten all week. “Don’t understand” you eventually finished your sentence in a mumble as Jonathan returned with your fourth glass of wine. “He told me he was fixing things with his ex, moving across the country to be with her. I didn't even know about her…” You sighed loudly, feeling your eyes prickle and swell up. 

“He’s a moron who cannot appreciate beauty, what else do I need to say darling?” Jonathan cocked an eyebrow to you, swirling the remaining drops of wine in his glass. 

You felt dizzy, your thoughts were slightly disoriented as you hummed longly in return. There was a gentle sway in your body, as your tongue poked into the wine. Jonathan finished his wine and placed it on the coffee table with a clink. 

Leaning closer to you, your heartbeat picked up and you could feel jittery over your skin. Were his eyes always that captivating blue? Your stomach turned, in a good way, a way you’ve forgotten about for so long.

“You deserve to be treated so much better” Jonathan confessed through a sigh, his arm snaking behind your back to pull you closer to him. 

Of the few times you’ve drunken with Jonathan, he has never been this touchy. Yet, you couldn’t help but to feel a new sensation of this. 

“I know, I’ll get over it eventually” you responded, avoiding eye contact with him. Yet you couldn’t help but to enjoy the warmth and security of his arm around your body. 

“Do you know how a man should treat you?” Jonathan murmured, a small sly grin on his lips. 

“How?” You frowned towards him in a growing blurry vision, unknowingly leaning closer to him. 

“Worshiped every day, body, mind and soul” he answered calmly, his eyes slowly examining your body. 

“You don’t mean that” you lightly scoffed, bringing the drink back to your lips to distract yourself, as if that will do any help. 

When you put the glass down on the coffee table, Jonathan took your chin in his hand. Staring at one another, you waited for him to make a move, but he just admired you, his lips ajar open as his thumb rolled circles over your soft skin. 

“I do” Jonathan vowed. Your head felt unfocused, your body felt like it was floating. This was like you were in a dream. “I can treat you so much better. I will treat you so much better” Jonathan corrected himself, now gripping onto your inner thigh instead of your chin. “Just give me a chance to show you how you deserve to be loved” Jonathan pleaded, pressing his forehead against yours. “Please” he begged softly, waiting for you to open the door for him. Your face turned away at his words, at his pleading. 

On any other night, you probably would have ran for the hills. But tonight, you desperately wanted to get Anthony out of your mind. It felt contradicting with how right and wrong it felt. But it didn’t phase you what would happen tomorrow, you wanted Jonathan right now. 

There was no response from you, Jonathan took that as his que to guide your face to directly look at him so he could kiss you. It surprised you with how soft his lips were, the way he hummed softly as he gently pushed his tongue into your warm mouth. After a quick stiff moment, your stance relaxed and you leaned closer to him. Your arms naturally wrapped around his shoulders to pull him closer to you. Jonathan groaned into your mouth, his hand pulled your hips over to straddle his lap. 

It felt so wrong, but he was so skillful with that tongue of his. Your logic was imprisoned by your sensations right now. Soft hands running up and down your heated skin, you couldn’t resist but to moan back into his mouth. Your cunt was aching for him so you non controllingly began rocking over his already formed boner. He nibbled at your neck, causing you to giggle as you grind over him in an unsteady motion. 

You lifted your hips up slightly as your hand brushed down his torso, Jonathan’s head fell back as he watched you, his mouth open. There was a slow moan from him as your hand cupped his crotch, Jonathan grinned widely, his own hands slipping down to unbutton his trousers. Quickly, your hand slipped underneath his underwear and you were stroking his firm size slowly. 

“Let me take you to the bedroom” Jonathan pleaded and you hummed in a daze like state. 

Jonathan picked you up and impatiently carried you to his bedroom. Giggling like a child over his shoulder, Jonathan laid you onto his bed, your flats falling off in the process. He straddled you down just as quick. The lamp was already on so you took a good look at his expression. 

An animal. That’s what you saw initially despite your heavily drunken state. A predator who was ready to attack his prey and you were helpless right now, the back of your mind was hoping that you’d just sink into the bed to get away from him. 

He wasn’t as gentle as you’d hope him to be as his soft hands groped your body. “What are you doing?” You murmured, as he slid down your body, his knees landing on the floor. 

There was no response from him except a groan. He pulled your hips forward and scrunched your dress up. It felt like fireworks exploding up your skin, the way his fingers trailed over you. Jonathan pulled your thong off of your legs, kissing your inner calf afterwards. 

“Wait…” you objected, common sense trying to snap you out of this trance, but he ignored you. 

“Waited so long for this, so, so long” Jonathan moaned, crawling up your lower body until his breath reached your bare cunt. 

Kissing your inner thigh, Jonathan looked at you, just wanting to take your nervous expression in for a moment. He placed your legs over his shoulders as his tongue slithered over your core. Your abdomen tensed and legs tightened around his head. His tongue zigzagged over sensitive skin, causing a rather loud yelp of pleasure. It was humiliating with how fucking good he could use that tongue of his. 

Your growing orgasm built on your tummy as his tongue slipped inside your sweet hole. Your fingers gripped into his hair to pull his head away, it was just all so much, you felt like you were blacking out. But Jonathan’s head was stuck in your cunt like it was glued. He was lapping you up as if he was starving, his left thumb found its way to your clit and rubbed desperately to make you release. 

“Jonathan” you moaned, eyes squeezed shut. 

Jonathan only moaned in response, his mouth full of your sweet substance. You tried to hold it off, but failed miserably, coming all over Jonathan’s face without warning, your hips rocking in rhythm with your orgasm. However, Jonathan greedily ate you all up, quickly climbing on top of your body. He swiftly pulled your dress off over your head and his hands trailed over your breasts. A small laugh left his lips as he ripped off your nipple covers, his crotch pressed into your abdominal.  

Jonathan smiled wickedly to you and even though you were still in your post orgasmic daze, you could see the craze in his eyes. But you were too intoxicated and horny to scrutinize him. Your arms reached out to pull him closer to you. With his smaller size, you didn’t expect his back to feel so firm. Kissing each other hungary, Jonathan’s hands quickly tried to undo his trousers. 

His hips flexed back as he pulled out his size. Your lips separated as he stroked himself a few times, looking down to your entrance. Even though your vision was blurry, you could see how big he was crystal clear. You gulped heavily as Jonathan hovered back over you with his tip pressed against your entrance. Jonathan gave you a soft kiss on the lips as he began to thrust in.

“Oh! you feel like heaven. I have found paradise…” Jonathan declared through moans. He was most definitely the largest you’ve ever had. It was hurting more than pleasuring, but you were so wet. “Your cunt wraps perfectly around my cock darling” he praised, his hand brushing over your flustered jaw. 

“It’s hurting” you whimpered, your body stiff underneath his. Jonathan blinked a couple of times but didn’t respond. 

“You’re mine, all mine. Always have been, always will be” Jonathan grunted as he fully pushed himself inside of you. Your walls squeezed around his cock as you grumbled in agony. “You’ve finally come to realize” he exhaled, his hand brushing the side of your face as the pleasure slowly overthrew the pain. 

His words seemed to have sobered you up. This is exactly what you were afraid of, this turning into ownership. Jonathan could see the glimpse of horror in your eyes, he smiled widely as he gradually picked up his speed as your canal adjusted to his size. 

You wanted to throw him off of you. But your mind was so engaged in your physical sensations and drowsiness of the alcohol that you could only lay back and guiltily enjoy yourself, expressing how satisfied you were by your moans. 

“Jerked off to the thought of you every single fucking night” Jonathan grumbled out, his nails digging into your flesh. “Such fucking torture” he spat. 

Jonathan pushed your thighs apart as his cock traveled in deeper, groaning like crazy as his balls were slapping against your skin. His grip on your upper thighs will probably bruise by the morning. The mixture of both of your moans was heaven to his ears. You’ve never seen Jonathan smile so much, he couldn’t wipe it if he wanted to. 

He also seemed to refuse to break eye contact with you, as if he was studying you or was afraid you’d run away if out of sight. His nostrils were flared and jaw clenched as he continued his pleasure-filled attack. You were pulsing around his size, his breathing seemed to stagger, pace losing its rhythm. 

“Come on darling, one more time… I know you can be a good girl, come so I can” Jonathan moaned. 

You can’t tell if it was a beg or a demand. His words were so gentle, but that look in his eyes was as if hell would break loose if you failed to comply. Regardless, you did as he asked, clenching as tight as you could around him as you cried out, your back aching as you swore you could see stars. Jonathan quickly followed, falling completely on top of you as his arms quickly snaked around you. 

He kissed you passionately as he pumped his seed deep inside of you. When his lips pulled away from yours, he was moaning your name over and over. A wave of exhaustion crashed over you. Your eyes felt so drowsy, all of your energy completely drained dry. Jonathan caressed your cheek as your sight was quickly consumed by darkness. 

What have you done?

[coolgal5]

Forever is the sweetest con - G. GRAVES

(Guys please tell me how I can do this better I’ve never written fanfiction before and this is so bad 😭 GN reader)

Gideon Graves had always been an enigma to you. From the moment he strutted into your life with his confident strides you knew he would cloud your every waking moment. You had met him working as a bartender at the Chaos Theater. You only took the job to pay for college. Gideon had approached you one night as you were working. He had spat off a comment about your hair or outfit. You replied with something wittingly cliche. You ended up chatting with him for a bit that night. You couldn’t stand his snarky attitude or his sarcastic remarks. This of course was overshadowed by the way he said your name and the way he looked at you as if you were the only person in the world. He could make you feel totally alone in a room full of people yet in private assure you he loved you. He was controlling and tried to hold you down and you let him because you didn’t want to lose him. You were absolutely in love with him.

Towards the end there was a lot of arguing and things got very heated very quick between you. Most arguments ended with him leaving all night and you sobbing yourself to sleep on your pillow. He overworked himself and any attempt to help him was immediately blocked with blind aggression. He would be out all night and come home at 5-6 AM most nights. He got nearly an hour of sleep a night and even the “sleeping” was really just him tossing around the bed quietly weeping. You knew something had to happen so you took action. Dragging him home most nights. But eventually what was once him coming home late turned into him not coming home at all. You would wait by the phone all night, desperately praying for a call all night. This particular night you had called his office to make sure he was okay. He snapped at you, screaming and insulting you. He had threatened leaving you before but his attempts were typically shut down by your desperately pained cries and begging. This night however he paid no mind to your desperate attempts to coerce him into letting you continue to love him. He simply excused his leaving by stating that with the newfound success of G-man media he just didn’t have time for a relationship. You were absolutely devastated. You cried for days, not leaving your house and sobbing till you threw up. You had no idea how to live without him in your life.

But now here you are curled up on your loveseat with a glass of tea listening to the little radio sat on the coffee table as you wrote. Your world surprisingly didn’t end after Gideon had left you even though it felt like it. You stayed in Toronto, you made new friends and finished college. You didn’t know what Gideon was up to now, out of sight out of mind you thought. You had garnered a pretty positive reputation amongst readers all over Canada. You wrote for a small magazine company owned by one of your old college professors you had gotten along particularly well with, viewing her as a mother figure of the sort. You listen to the rain pounding against the window. You always loved the rain. You hopped out of your seat and decided to grab your coat before going out onto the porch with your tea.

You sat on the porch whilst the howling wind beat against your body. You closed your eyes and breathed in as your hair filled with raindrops. You gazed up at the sky, examining the stars. You glanced back dow towards the road when you noticed a figure walking. You tense up and look away from the figure. You had become nervous knowing what type of person would be out wandering the streets at this hour. The person seemed to notice you as you noticed them and as you glanced into their sunken eyes you realized who it was and a familiar feeling of dread filled your core.

“Gideon?” You breathed out, hands now beginning to shake and eyes welling up with tears. “Hey listen, before you run off I really need to talk to you” He spoke shakily. Upon looking at him further you noticed the tears threatening to spill from his eyes and the tears on his clothes, he looked like he had been beaten.“I have no interest in talking to you now Gideon, not now not ever. You really fucked me up” You said with your voice breaking due to the tears breaking through and dripping down your chin. You started into the house when Gideon grabbed your wrists. You stared into his eyes and for a second you could’ve sworn the rain stopped. “Listen to me please, the way I treated you was sick and really fucked up and I’m sorry” You were a little shocked at his sudden repentance. You never expected this, especially from Gideon. “I lost everything, the company, my money, my whole empire is all gone. I spent the last of my money on a ticket to get up here just to see the one person I ever truly cared about and hope to see a pair of kind eyes looking back at me. I truly have nothing and I just want you” When he said this the tears started to pour down his face and he immediately broke down sobbing.

You didn’t know what to do so in this moment you decided actions spoke louder than words. You wrapped you arms around his neck and pulled him down so your faces were practically touching and you just held him as he sobbed. Just you alone with him in the rain with the stars shining down on you.

[starchilddante]

I want to talk about the criticism of Hazbin Hotel and why I sort of understand it but personally don't agree.

The main complaint I see is that it feels rushed. Personally, I don't mind the pacing, especially considering they only have 8 episodes for season 1 and from a story-telling standpoint, you want to establish all the "plot promises" (basically the many plot-lines and their premises) right away and given that they only have 8 episodes to do it I would argue they've done a fine enough job with pacing. We don't know the limitations they were given.

Aside from that, I've heard people saying that it's as if "You asked a Mormon/ Devout Christian to write an R-rated story" as if that's a bad thing or a joke to poke fun at Hazbin and I take a tad bit of issue with that.

Because I would argue, yes, and that it makes sense. First of all, who would you expect to have enough of a religious background to write all of this? Who would have the rage except for those of us who have suffered in the name of holiness?

I think it's written to make you think, "Wow, this religious stuff is totally absurd bullshit." Because it is. We would know, the ex-Mormon's and abused ex-Christians. It's stupid to think that vulgar language or sexual jokes make something "bad" or "good". We fucking LIVED through that shit, man. It's supposed to piss off the type of people we escaped from. Because their religious beliefs are utter bullshit and when they're presented with a valid argument they basically do exactly what Adam does: "Uh, fuck you."

I think the choices are intentional. It's supposed to be vulgar because it proves that good and bad aren't determined by those sorts of things. Because that vulgarity doesn't make the show "bad" or "edgy". It's just a part of the show. And the characters are so much more than "good" or "bad" too.

This show really has a place in my heart because I lived through a religious nightmare. I asked the same questions Charlie does. I cried and I prayed and I begged God to fix me. But the truth was, I never needed to be fixed. And if God exists, he's the biggest hypocritical asshole of them all. This show screams the pain of the religiously abused, and I live for it. If religion is real, then we're all victims of a shitty system. And a couple of curse words don't make a rat's ass worth of difference.

The show is trying to show you what it's like to be born into a life you didn't chose, forced to follow these shitty rules. It's written, if you will, "like a religious person was asked to write something R-rated" because that's the story its trying to tell.

It's fine if you don't like it, if this isn't your thing. But don't make fun of the people that love it by implying that its stupid and "made for prudes trying to be edgy" because then you're implying that we're all stupid for enjoying it. I love this show because it shows the story of the lives of us who suffered in the name of religion. You don't have to love it. But don't shit on me for holding it close and enjoying every part.

[avengersfantasies]

11/08/01 - Prologue

Summary: When you were little, your life was changed forever. Your parents were brutally murdered before you, and the doctors said it was a miracle that you survived. Now, almost 22 years later, you come across the man who took everything from you.

What to expect: violence, panic attacks, nightmares, other stuff

Let me know if you would like to be tagged in future chapters!

The night of November 8th, 2001, would forever be the worst one you ever lived through. Sometimes, you wish you had died as well. Why didn’t he take you, too? What did they do to deserve it? Would he come hunt you down and finish the job?

Your mind flashed back to the gruesome scene, your eyes staring straight ahead of the small bar and toward nothing.

         “Hey, princess?” your dad’s voice called out. You had been playing with your Bratz dolls, getting them ready for bed.

         “Yes, daddy?” you looked up and smiled wide.

He scooped you up into his arms. “Time for bed, sweetie,” he kissed your head. “Got school tomorrow.”

“Okay, daddy,” you agreed, getting changed into your My Little Pony pajamas.

While you were left to get ready, your dad went into the kitchen to pour glasses of wine for himself and your mother. You started to hear some sort of commotion in the kitchen down the hallway, and being the curious child you were, you began heading towards it, calling out for your parents.

“Mommy? Daddy?” you called out, never getting a response. Little did you know, you’d never hear their voices again. You gasped and started sobbing when you saw the large man standing over them, blood pooling on the floor beneath him. Your loud sobs and cries captured the man’s attention, and his blue eyes stared into you. You ran as fast as your small body could carry you, making an effort to go into your room and hide under your bed. Just as you were almost hidden, you felt the coolness of a metal hand grab your leg, screaming as he dragged you out from underneath your would-be safe spot.

         The tears ran down your cheeks as your eyes came back into focus on the man on the other side of the bar. It was him. The one who took your parents from you – that took your entire childhood away. His metal arm was different, but it was most definitely him. You must’ve stared at him too long or too hard because suddenly, he turned his head to look at you – those blue eyes staring into you like they had almost 22 years ago. You gasped, feeling a panic attack taking over. Without paying your tab, you got up and rushed out of the bar, running towards the door and into the night. Your sobs filled the street, your breathing shaky and jagged. You doubled over from the pain you felt, praying to whatever god there was to just take the memories away.

         “Hey there,” a voice called out to you. The last time you saw him, he spoke no English, but his voice was the same. You turned to make sure it was, in fact, him, and your eyes widened as he walked over towards you. “Hey…are you alright?

         “Don’t kill me!” you screamed at the top of your lungs, falling to the ground and quickly scurrying back on your hands and into the wheel of a parked car across the street, letting you go no further. “Please, please, just let me go.”

The way you looked up at him, the way you feared him, the way you scurried back from him, the look in your eyes brought him back to that night.

You closed your eyes tightly, letting the tears flow from them from underneath, when he started to slowly walk over to you.

“Please,” you continued to beg, “please don’t hurt me, please don’t kill me. I’m sorry I got away, I won’t tell anyone.”

Even though your eyes were screwed shut, you could sense his large frame kneeling down to be more on your level.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” he spoke softly. “I remember you.”

[cherubchoirs]

What if Michael had a conversation with his past self?

How is the pet drone doing? and how did the ferryman and drone interact for the first time and did the ferryman hold the drone like hamburger?

OOF mike talking to his past self...there would be so much to say to him, yet i think his most urgent advice would be to stay. stay in heaven. god is gone, he has left and if he doesn't wish to be found, he won't be. he believed, in panic he refused to show anyone else, that he needed to prove something to god and to all of heaven, that if he sought him and strove after him, god would answer his earnest effort. he believed god wanted his devotion proven, but he didn't consider his abandonment of heaven, of his people, at their very weakest. he was meant to be their prince and he disappeared nearly as god did. it brought ruin, to heaven, to gabriel, to himself. he should have stayed, should have led them, instead of vanishing into the wilds where their cries couldn't reach him. show your devotion in honest prayer, beg for god's forgiveness where you are, because you won't find it on your own. and they will all be left with nothing. in a way, he knows he deserves his fate for his negligence, for how he failed in his responsibility. it displays his shame, and it is his payment for leaving them. so stay. pray for god, but be present for your people.

more drone!!! the drone is quite happy living in the apartment, as gabriel and v1 are always bringing new things in for it to look at. plus, it gets to engage with its proper programming and act as a guard for their apartment - it basically can stare out different windows for hours, and it likes to patrol the premises on a schedule. the ferryman, given how they came to stay at gabe v1's apartment, didn't really notice the drone at first - it floated around checking them out, but their mind was so distant from their surroundings it just failed to register. after a couple days of rest, however, they first actually see it following gabriel around with curious little chirps and feel a bit foolish when he explains they've been keeping it as a pet for a little while now. they are appreciative of its company however, with very few human souls immune to a curious little robot, and how it provides a little companion to pet on its downtime. it's also quite charming watching it gently float up from the couch or a lap, and it...does actually provide them with a little sense of security as it hovers dutifully by the windows. the ferryman thanks it for the peace of mind, and the drone is thrilled it's performing its job well

[captain-noir]

I hope you don't mind me sending this but re: Louis' "relobotomization", I just rewatched episode 5 and honestly, after Armand puts his hand on him in order to make him stop exacerbating Daniel's Parkinsons, the next scene where we see Louis and Daniel, Armand is gone, but Louis is just sitting across completely well-put and calm, reading from Claudia's diaries as she notes that "the meaning of existence disintegrated without Louis and Lestat", and with a Very off-putting smile on his face, like he didn't just have an outburst and carved a hole into his table before menacing the prickly old investigative reporter whom he brought in. I don't even mean to make Armand the villain with this but like, @ Louis, bro wtf is going inside that head of yours, I sincerely want to know

louis was in fine form that episode. he was rude and provocative from the start, munching on armands neck right in front of daniel's salad, invading his mind and then mocking him. the cutting and dismissive remarks about rashid 'eat, swim pray'. like armand was genuinely hurt because that was hurtful and uncalled for and because he went off book and they werent a team in that moment. louis was doing a solo act, off the cuff and he was as out of the loop as daniel. and ofc messing with daniel's parkinsons was the last straw so armand had to step in like his personal nurse ratched ready to pump him with a lethal dose of benzo lest their entire charade comes crashing down around them which is lmaooo their narrative has been unraveling from the very moment louis cried in the pilot and everything else has been a desperate rush job to follow the rough outline of the script. which ofc begs the question why do all this in the first place! anyway i dont like to speculate a lot because it can get away from you and you build up these expectations that leave you more than likely dissatisfied with the actual product and i love the show and want to just go along for the ride but i think we know armand is the antagonist of the season and i think fandom has in order not to remove too much 'agency' from louis sort of sanitized him. yes louis is insane and delusion and self flaggelating and doesnt need help to be all of this but i also dont think they would put a character whose defining trait is his gift for mind control and have that not play a major part both in the present and the past. to me armand is louis' warden/prisoner/benzodiazepine all rolled into one and daniel is the key. i dont know if that even remotely answers your question anon but im too fried to think coherently

[hotbotheredandbreathless]

before my appointment today i wrote down just about 50 scenarios i was terrified of, all things i had experienced before. mainly concerns about being dismissed and misled.

frankly, i didn’t even consider the possibility that the appointment could go any other way.

but holy fuck it was so much better than i ever dreamed it would be. she had diagnosed me exactly as i had wished before she even walked in the door. i didn’t have to beg. she knew.

when i told her that one of my medications was unaffordable, i thought i was just making a quip about the unfortunate american healthcare system, but without me asking she said “oh, well, this plus this and that are the same so you can switch.” which i didn’t know was even within the realm of possibility. she saved me $500 and i didn’t have to beg.

when i told her that i was suicidal because my flare ups were so frequent and severe, she said “well, yeah, that’s what happens when (xyz)!!”

she told me the severity of my illness without me asking. she gave me the specifics of my diagnosis without me asking.

i didn’t have to beg for anything. i didn’t have to fight. i didn’t have to play mind games. i gave her my labs and my imaging reports and told her my history and she just… did her job from there.

it’s equally amazing and heartbreaking that a PA was able to diagnose something within 10 minutes that a board certified doctor in my specialty couldn’t after 1 year, but what’s done is done.

my mom and i hugged and cried and prayed together in the parking lot. it takes a village and my entire family has suffered with me. but if this goes as well as it seems it will, the suffering may be over.

we’re entering a new era besties!!

[bittercandysweetrain]

Tokyo revengers x reader with mental illness Mikey pt 1

Illness - PTSD, Hemophobia

(warning mention of suicide, drug use, guns)

Reader's pov - 23 seconds was how long it took for me to realize what I was staring at. But once everything set in, so did panic. My body began shaking, and my legs moved on their own running towards the blood-filled bathtub. "No, no, no" was all I could repeat as my body lunged forward into the cold red water. All I could do was pull the soaking-wet body out. the frail thin body of my younger brother was so heavy at the time. He was only thirteen at the time, how was his body so heavy. Laying him on the tiled floor my tears were blinding me. I tried to wake him up, to get any response he wasn't breathing he wasn't moving. My body covered in his blood, I hurried off out of the bathroom grabbing the phone from the counter between sobs and cries I begged for help. "My b-brother please! he cut his wrist he isn't waking up please, please help me!" I screamed the operator tried his best to calm me down. Everything was in slow motion all I can remember feeling was my heartbeat. It felt as if the Paramedics took forever to get there. All I could do is hold my brother, I didn't want to let him go. Because if I did he would leave forever but with the force of the paramedics I had to drop his hand. Watching them work on his body, I clutched my hand, praying he would wake up and take a breath! But the look in the man's eyes, when he glanced at his colleague, made me realize My little brother wasn't going to wake up again.

Author's pov - 7 years had passed and the nightmare lessen however they were always there especially the month y/n died. She was a sixteen-year-old girl going to school and working a part-time job to take care of him. She felt guilty for never realizing how depressed he was If only she knew but she was just so tired by the time she got home she hardly gave him any of her time. that guilt she will forever live with. At the age of 23 (y/n) was working two jobs one as a convenience store worker and the other as a hostess at a well-known club. Saturday and Sunday were her days as a hostess wearing the usual black cocktail dress and high heels she clasped her diamond earrings on and began fixing her makeup. "psst (y/n) did Tora tell you about your job tonight?" her cousin asked, "No? did she change the schedule again?" y/n asked "No she put you on to work with me for a big group coming in, she said its an early Christmas bonus. but I looked into the people coming big gang people called Bonten these people are hella rich but dangerous." she said, "of course, Tora gets the old bastards so its easy money while we have to deal with shitheads like them." (y/n) said annoyed already she sighed giving in quickly "Fine we need a game plan how many men?" (y/n) asked "Eight," her cousin said, "and she wants only us to work?" (y/n) asked perplexed by the decision, "They didn't want a lot of women I think it's more of a meeting thing." Rosé was (y/n) best friend slash cousin they grew up together and pretty much did everything she helped her get the job and tried her best to take care of (y/n) through everything. "well we'll just put on the charm get the most expensive bottles and show Tora she can't fuck with us her men are gonna start dying off and she is gonna be begging us for our clients." rose said smirking.

Mikey sat with his legs crossed on the red leather music playing in the background and a large window sat behind him a view of the clubbers dancing. Bonten had the largest V.I.P. room to relax and do whatever they wanted. Sanzu was cutting coke with a black card while Kakucho was already drinking fine whiskey with Takeomi. The Haitani brothers were smoking large blunts and staring at the TV where they had made bets on horses. The door to V.I.P opened, (y/n) and Rosé walked in holding Champagne and an ice bucket. Rosé took the lead "Hello boys mind if we keep you company, I am Rosé" she said in a seductive voice "and I am (y/n) its a pleasure to treat you tonight." (y/n) bowed slightly as she set the bucket down. (y/n) was looking for signs of the leader which she thought Mochizuki was as he did seem the oldest. she honestly didn't want anything to do with the leader but all of them looked quite scary except for Mikey. for some reason, his eyes drew her into those cold dark empty eyes. Rosé was pulled into Ran's lap "You're ours tonight." Ran said blowing the Smoke into her face (y/n) squinted her eyes at him annoyed with his action she clicked her tongue before being jerked into Sanzu.  "Relax a bit you seem stiff," he said, "dance with me the music tonight is good," he said popping the champagne open "Can you even dance?" she asked Sarcastically "How rude of you," he said Sanzu pulled out a gun shoving it in her face  "Dance now," he threatened, "you'll still get your money." Sanzu had a crazed look in his eyes then again he did do two lines of coke, Koko watched intently amused by the situation along with some of the others. "leave the poor girl alone" Takeomi said, "you'll make her piss herself then we will have to deal with the cleaning bill." he said teasingly "who said I was pissing myself" (y/n) retorted "I ain't scared of no gun, I won't dance for you either until you ask nicely." she said Rosé's eyes widen she moved forward but the Haitani brothers kept her in place. Enjoying the show "You want me to ask Nicely" Sanzu smirked, "how about I make a better deal" he said "You guess the leader sitting in this room and I won't bother you, I'll even hand over 10 grand you can even walk out of this room. but if you lose You don't get to say no tonight and you do what I want plus no pay." he said smirking Rosé looked at her cousin "Don't do it (y/n)" she said "Double it and Rosé gets half" y/n said Koko burst into laughter "Deal you got 5 minutes." he said 

(f/n) bit the inside of her cheek as she glanced at the men in the room this man was confident she wouldn't know the leader could it have been him? no, he was too reckless and was snorting his own supply meaning he was higher in rank but not the leader. the two guys with Rosé could have been leaders as well but something told her no meaning four were left. she looked at Mochizuki and Takeomi older more laid back but she didn't see them as the leader either. this left Kokonoi and Mikey "5,4,3,2,1-" sanzu smirked as he counted down "him" (y/n) pointed at Mikey "He is the leader." she said Koko smirked and Kakucho laughed followed by the rest except for Mikey and Sanzu. "Fuck how did you get that right," he asked "I took a course In body language he is the leader," she said Rosé took a sigh of relief. "fucking shit," sanzu wrote a check for twenty thousand dollars handing it to her (y/n) stuffed it in her bra sitting down at the end of the couch she crossed her legs and poured the champagne. "you're not leaving?" Sanzu asked, "You said you wouldn't bother me." y/n said winking at him Koko looked at Sanzu "She played you well I like her." he said chuckling Sanzu clicked his tongue throwing the whiskey glass the shattering glass hit Rosé cutting her face. "watch it Sanzu!" Rindou shouted angrily as glass landed on him and his brother (y/n)'s eyes widen as she glanced at Rosé, Rosé could feel the trickle of blood she turned her head to see her reflection in the mirror. the blood on her face wasn't bad but still, for y/n it was. She turned to see (y/n) getting up watching her stumble back. y/n eyes held full shock as her hands shook, and her breathing began to get heavy she bumped into the table that held the drinks. falling back she landed on the glasses shattering them. Rosé stood up in shock seeing (y/n) arms dripping with blood. (y/n) began screaming she went into full panic mode Rosé pushed off of ran rushing over. She held onto (y/n) "Calm down, calm down!" she shouted, "what the fuck is wrong with her!" Sanzu shouted, "She's Hemophobic!" Rosé shouted "What the fuck non of us are gay! Maybe Koko," he said, "Hemophobic, not Homophobic!" Rosé shouted as she pulled (y/n) up helping her out the door. "so much for a night out," Takeomi said "Night's ruined thanks sanzu," Koko said, "I didn't do anything!" Sanzu shouted Mikey sat back finishing his drink everything that happened before him he took in as a mental note for later.

[traayaawrites]

Aether

Aether's story is set during the Witch Trials of 1612 where he meets a particular ghoulette before she becomes a ghoulette.

Word count: 1027

As a human, Aether was one of those to pass judgment during the witch trials. Not something Aether was overly proud of these days, his actions as a human were the reason many had died, including his daughter, himself and one of his own pack, Sunshine. When they were humans, Aether and Sunshine lived in the same village, known by names they no longer speak, those were different people, in a different time. 

An accusation had come forth about a temptress in the village. A young and unmarried woman, luring men to her bed, having her wicked ways with them and sending them on their way. An accusation like that demanded investigation and answers. If Aether let these accusations run wild, he risked the wrath of both the villagers and the others in positions above him. If he was deemed to be aiding witches, his entire family would suffer because of it. He spent his days following rumours until he found a young lad who had been with this temptress. He listened to the tails and gathered the information he’d need before presenting it to the others. 

It was agreed, the information before them was worthy of arrest and interrogation. Aether and a few others ventured to the temptress’ dwellings just after dark. Arresting her on suspicion of witchcraft, a fact she denied. They always did. Over the next two days, Aether and the others questioned and tested the girl. One final meeting and they had their decision. It would be announced in the morning with sentencing to follow directly after. 

The next morning the accused, Aether and most of the village were gathered for the sentencing. He made his address, recounting the accusations and his findings. Finally announcing his decision. 

“The accused is found guilty and sentenced to the stake.” It brought Aether no joy to make this choice, one that was met with mixed reactions from the gathered crowd. The girls' mother screamed about how Aether was wrong and a monster for killing an innocent. 

The girl and her mother cried, begging Aether to show mercy. On the outside, he maintained a stoic exterior, but as a parent, he could only pray he would never know the pain the mother was going through. He was doing this to keep his daughter and wife safe. He would always keep them safe, no matter how he felt about this job.

----------

It had been weeks since the case of the temptress, and the mother rarely returned to town since. There had been a few cases of interest for Aether to investigate, but no major leads. He was working late when his wife ran into the office, crying about his daughter and how some men had come in and taken her, something about being accused of witchcraft. He’d had no word that other investigators were coming to town, and if they weren’t at his office they would be with the mayor. He told his wife to gather what she could carry and to meet him in the woods outside of town. He promised he would find her and bring their daughter, but he didn’t find her by morning to leave and never return.

He made his way to the mayor's residence and demanded to see his daughter. A demand that was denied. He tried to reason with the mayor, use his position and reputation to show these accusations were false, why would he, poorly, hide a witch. Nothing was working, the mayor wouldn’t change his mind. He knew where his daughter was, but if he did this, if he took her and ran, they would be hunted. It wasn’t going to change his mind, his wife was waiting for them, at least then they would be together. 

“I understand, I will return home while you investigate sir.”

That, of course, was a lie. He turned and went directly to the cells, telling the guard there that he would handle the situation, and that he asked the mayor if he could interview his daughter himself. As soon as the guard left, no doubt to go straight to the mayor, Aether was opening the cell and told his daughter to run. They made it to the edge of the village, before they were caught, Aether tried to fight them, and keep his daughter safe but there were too many. He was on his knees in front of the mayor, with his hands restrained behind his back, a guard holding each shoulder. 

“I’m disappointed in you. But now I have my answer, if you truly believed the girl innocent, you wouldn’t have run. You force my hand and now you will both pay the price.” Aether looked at the mayor, mouth wide, was this all a test or was there an accusation made… Not that it mattered now.

An announcement was made, and the villagers were all gathered, the mayor didn’t wish to risk another escape attempt and was giving his verdict immediately. He gave some speech Aether only half listened to, he was whispering to his daughter, telling her he was sorry and that he failed them. The mayor, apparently kind enough, let Aether wait for the decision by his daughter, still out of arms reach, but close enough he could give her what little comfort he could. 

“The child has been accused of witchcraft, through the actions shown tonight I have no choice but to find her guilty, her sentence is the stake. For his crimes in aiding and harbouring a witch, our investigator will bare witness to the execution and then face his own. To be carried out immediately.”

Aether’s head dropped, he couldn’t bare to see the look on his daughter's face. He thinks he heard himself tell her how sorry he was, how much he loved her, how much his wife loved her. If it weren’t for the guards holding him, Aether would have found himself on the ground, too weak to hold himself up. He was forced to watch, on his knees in front of his daughter as she died, knowing he failed her, he failed his wife. The sweet release of his death couldn’t come sooner. 

[mxserendipity]

Grieving For My Past Self: Full Poem

Trigger warnings: Words alluding to past self harm, trauma/abuse, dissociation, depression, death and other mental illness. Nothing is explicit, but please stay safe anyways.

—-

Stage 1: Denial.

—-

Feather after feather I swallow,

Filling the aching void in my head.

Something light and sweet to follow,

Avoid the buried feelings of dread.

Something innocent and something thin,

A safety made of imaginary thread.

Only a beautiful daydream as I lay in bed,

for nothing is worth seeing the hole within.

A giggling child, born to run

around the skirt of an evergreen tree.

My other memories are held back by knife and gun,

I am not bound by symptoms, I am free

Nothing deeper holds me hostage

as denial keeps me agnostic.

For I am too kind to suffer and too young to die,

So I will ignore my own inward cries.

They'll say:

Spread your wings and fly away, little dove.

Out of the corners of your mind, your reality

Gather the insincerity of a foxglove,

and hide under the shade of your apathy.

—-

Stage 2: Anger

—-

White hot emotion blinds my eyes

My lungs, my throat, my cries

Oxygen turns to fear turns to rage,  

As you scar my skin with words estranged 

Your god should beg for my forgiveness,

After all you say they planned.

For all the gore they held witness,

They should drop to their knees and apologize first hand

His name is like bile on my tongue, 

Born of a dinner much too sour

I was so eager to forget,

Yet somehow he still holds the power.

I'm drowning in my own disgust

Screaming until my lungs give out

You corrode my memories to rust,

and carve my internal drought.

You made me forget who I am,

My mind focused only on your pleasure,

You've brainwashed me according to plan,

Maybe you should have done it better.

I'm angry at her excuses, 

His failure and your abuses,

But now I curse your ugly name,

and I hope to God you do the same.

For when we kill our gods before us,

Their homes of light and dark will burn.

For an afterlife made from sins unjust,

Are just cages made to imprison us.

—-

Stage 3: Bargaining

—-

Ears flattened, pupils wide

My fingers shake and creak and cry

I fantasize about a change in tide,

and I tickle my brain with hows and whys

I pull at strings long foregone,

Weaving a web for comfort's sake.

I beg and beg for a new dawn,

Anything to soothe the ache.

I poke at fears I've had since thirteen,

Lamentations now admitted.

While I scrub at skin never clean,

And pray someday I'll be acquitted.

Because denial cages the heart,

and anger burns ones throat.

But bargaining is confirmation,

and exposes candor like hives to smoke.

—-

Stage 4: Depression.

—-

Rats crawl along the streets of my mind,

Gnashing teeth and boggling eyes.

Black shadows and dirt combine,

perpetuating normality in a beautiful guise.

Never have I appreciated the rodent,

of disease and grime and fear.

But now I treasure the moment,

when the pitter-patter of paws grows near.

They swarm my corpse and follow trail,

Covering tracks with scurrying wails.

The walls sit giant and sharp,

Letting me forget myself in a rhythmic chop.

Spectators of reality hold their disapproval,

as they eye arms lined with gauze.

their gentle whispers offer removal,

but I've come accustomed to their claws.

I fear not plague or extinction,

and I'm immune to infection and fear.

My home is with pests and crimson,

and it's long resistant to tears.

so bury me in honey and milk,

that way the rats will burn with me in hell.

—-

Stage 5: Acceptance.

—-

I've swallowed hysteria like a mob,

I've picked my teeth with broken bones.

I've bartered with rage like it's my job

I've washed my body with unknowns

I've cuddled with monsters and kissed horrors goodnight,

and yet here I am, oh so alive.

I've battled with my mind and thoughts,

I've cracked and broken my brain,

I've sobbed over fears of gunshots,

and yet here I remain.

I can accept who I am and what happened,

While relearning what I've been taught.

And while I rebuild actualities imagined,

I know I won't be left to rot.

I am a beautiful puzzle,

of pieces yet unfinished.

I am a machine of heart and muscle,

something not worthy of being diminished.

I am not to blame for my past,

as I regain control of my present.

Because I can smile at last,

knowing I can let go of torment.

I am held in the universes palm,

Crafted by delicate carpenters

I have claimed my diversity and calm,

and my worth was never a question.

I am bound, but not caged

I am hurt, but not broken

I am hesitant, but not afraid

And one day, I'll walk free

and that day,

I'll never need to fear again.

[macapacaalpaca]

About me

I’m so late to the party doing this but better late than never! Thanks for the tag @cariantha

Are you named after anyone?

No, my name was actually a very last minute decision. My parents planed on me being Emma all along but when I was born there were 5 other babies in the ward and 4 were called Emma so they changed their minds 😂 My dad went home from the hospital the night after I was born and picked Kayla out of a baby name book, and here we are

When was the last time you cried?

As far as I remember it was probably at my uncle’s funeral at the end of last year, or some of the days after that. I said the eulogy and kept it together the entire morning but as soon as I got outside the door of the chapel I was sobbing. That being said, I did cry tears of joy on Christmas Day when my cousin told me that he and his wife are expecting their rainbow baby this summer!

Do you have kids?

No, I’m definitely not at that stage in my life yet. My fertility problems have been the biggest heartbreak of my life but showed me that I definitely do want to be a mama one day. I pray that when the time’s right I’ll be able to have my own little miracle 🤍

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Yes and I can’t help it lol. It’s usually only humorous sarcasm though, I know not to use it in serious situations 😅

What colour are your eyes?

Blue. Very blue - I’ve been told they look like a husky’s eyes 😂

Scary movies or happy endings?

I’m a sucker for a good happy ending

Any special talents?

Nothing drastic, but I’m very good at reading people. Whether that’s being able to tell if they’re lying or what kind of person they are - pick up on it from the very beginning. I’m also trilingual if that counts - I can speak English, Irish and French

Where were you born?

Ireland - dia duit!

What are your hobbies?

I’m easily pleased (and a basic bitch), I love reading, cooking, travel, nights in or out with my girls and have a minute obsession for everything makeup, skincare and hair

Do you have any pets?

No, but I wish I did! I’ve always wanted a dog for as long as I can remember and used to beg my parents for a Westie or a Golden. But I had to give up on that because as it turns out I’m allergic to cats and dogs 😶 The joys of being asthmatic!

What sports do you / have you played?

I’m not really into playing sports much, but I was a Gaelic footballer back in my day!

How tall are you?

I’m quite small - 5’4 or 163cm to be exact 😌

Favourite subject in school?

Home ec or English. I loved cooking classes (some were chaotic) and getting to learn a bit about legal systems too. I only started to enjoy english more in my last year of school but I did really well in it, my teacher was like a second mother to me and we still keep in contact today. I was also one of the only people in my year who actually enjoyed doing Shakespeare

Dream job?

For almost all of my childhood right up to my late teens I wanted to be a teacher and it was very suddenly I changed my mind to law. Everyone was so shocked because they’re polar opposite careers but I took the gamble and went with law. I sat in on court cases during the summer and absolutely loved it and I’m back in next week. I’m not there yet, but in the future I’ll be a solicitor, fingers crossed!

My tagging nominees are: anyone who wants to take part!

[herearemythoughtsjustincaseidie]

My name is pat and, for as long as I can remember, I've had an intense fear of death

It has caused me sleepless nights, panic attacks, and so so many tears. I like to keep busy, because it helps to avoid the thoughts. But they become so loud in the dead of night, where nothing can distract me from the simple fact that someday, i will die.

.

The first time I realized that I was going to die, I was maybe 5 or 6, I cried to my parents about it. They didn't help me much, all my mom said was That's just how life is; Similarly to plants we will all eventually grow old and pass away.

I've no idea why they thought that would be comforting to a small child, but their confirmation just scared me even more. That was the night that I started praying, begging, to the Lord: Please make everyone immortal. I don't want to die, and I don't want anyone I know and love to die. Every night until the eventual end of my faith, I would beg Him over and over and over again. Please. I don't want to die.

.

Eventually, I learned how babies were made, and it confused me. I couldn't understand why anyone wanted kids. If parents loved their children so much why the hell would they subject them to the experience of death by bringing them to life? I couldn't wrap my head around it.

That was when I started resenting my parents for giving birth to me.

.

When I got my first job straight out of college, I was in the worst mental state I'd ever been. I was struggling at work due to my then undiagnosed ADHD and I was in a relationship with someone who couldn't relate and would keep implying that I just needed to try harder. That was the first time the thought dying wouldn't be so bad had ever popped into my mind.

When I realized that it was there, I didn't know how to feel.

.

Seeking out help was hard. Being in a country that doesn't really prioritize mental health as much as other countries do, and being so uneducated about how and where to look, it would take me a couple of years and a pandemic for me to eventually look for a psychiatrist.

My first psychiatrist was a lady who was nice enough, but gave off some slight red flags that made me uncomfortable. Like being 30 minutes late to a 1 hour appointment that lasted for like 10 minutes. And also immediately diagnosing me with ADHD and giving a prescription for Ritalin on our first meeting.

After that experience, I took the meds and it actually helped me with my work. I realized that maybe I did actually have ADHD even though her assessment was kind of bullshit. But because I was so turned off by my doctor I never went back. It would take me 2 more years and a couple of layoffs/terminations for me to seek out help a second time.

.

My second psychiatrist was kind and gave off motherly vibes. She was sweet and understanding and understood my concerns with how quickly my first doctor recommended drugs to me. She made me go through a relatively thorough assessment, that involved getting other people to answer questions about me, and a ton of expensive lab tests before she recommended me to try Ritalin again. She even helped me get a PWD ID so that it wouldn't affect my wallet as much as it would have. I told her about my trouble sleeping, and she gave me recommendations that actually helped.

To this day I'm still with her. And if I'm going to be honest, my productivity at work has improved, and my sleep is at least somewhat controllable now.

.

Looking back at the whole mental health journey, I kinda wish I never found out I had ADHD. Or at least that I never got help for it.

Now that things are looking up, now that I'm in a better healthier relationship with someone I'm madly in love with, now that I have 2 dogs that I care for with all my heart, now that I'm actually becoming happier, the bad nights have returned. Louder. Scarier.

.

When I was suffering, I at least didn't mind dying, you know? At least the thought didn't kill me as much anymore. I was starting to be more accepting of it even though I was still scared. At least I could lean on the thought of when I die, at least I won't hurt anymore

.

Now, I have so much I don't want to lose and so much I don't want to leave behind. So much I still want to do. The older I get the worse the fear has gotten.

And you know, sometimes I think of just getting it over with. I hate the anticipation. The suspense. The sinking feeling I get whenever I realize it could happen any time. If I just get it over with, I'll at least have control of it. I get to decide and I won't have to think about it anymore.

But at the same time, I'm not sure if I can ever be strong enough to do it.

.

.

.

My name is pat and, as of writing this, I am 26 years old. I have an intense fear of death, and I think my fear will eventually be the thing that kills me.

So here are my thoughts, just in case I die.

[ruminate88]

Trauma Response?

I took a test and it said my Dominate reaponse to trauma is “Flight” which can involve dissociating or emotionally distracting yourself which is what I use to do. I use to drown myself in porn becuase it gave me temporary pleasure and fulfilled the empty void left when my ex Andrew was isolating me and purposely ignoring me for 2 and sometimes 3 days. Then he would suddenly text me again or send me selfies again to keep me going. The crumbs got less and less as time went on. 😭😭😭

Eventually it got so bad that getting a selfie at all from him was like gold to me. 😝 He would reply short responses to my text like “awww” and I got really frustrated but was on egg shells and also didn’t understand it. I forgive myself for not knowing it was abuse and for not speaking up to him and telling him how he made me feel. Maybe he wouldn’t have cared but I still could have said something but I didn’t. Mostly because I had already been abused and ghosted by Cody prior to him and was afraid of being ghosted again. I knew Andrew would randomly ignore me at times anyway and I confronted him 3 times and offered to break up “if he’s too busy”.

Altho also at random times, Andrew would suddenly talk to me fine and reply quick especially if we were talking sexual. Then it was pics of him enjoying me and he’s sending me so many heart emojis and telling me how beautiful he thinks I am 😣 I wanted it to be real and I wanted him to see me and care about me but I realize now he only cared about my bare photos and the dirty words I was saying to him. I forgive myself for being so nasty towards him. I genuinely wanted love with him and in my mind, I was giving him my heart every time I sent him pics or heart emojis. It was real to me even if it was a joke to him.

I find myself now even if awful situations, begging God for safety and my brain does want to create fake scenarios in my head that are better than real life. I’ve done it with Andrew I have to admit 🥺❤️‍🩹 I’ve created ideas in my head that he’s in therapy with me and that he’s becoming self aware and seeing what he put me through but I know I shouldn’t do that 😓 I forgive myself and I’m sorry and at some point I will get past all this. I know this “healing journey” is about me and not about him.

it’s not my job or fault to heal him or change him. I can’t. I can only pray for him and hope the best for him. I need to stop prioritizing him over myself. I just use to think because he was in college, that he was “smarter than me” 🤣🤣🤣 cuz I didn’t understand he lacked emotional intelligence lol I didn’t know he lacked emotions cuz he was sending me hearts and calling me babe, I believed he was capable of “connecting” and “attaching” with me. His robotic response to us breaking up was a shock to me and hurt so much! I cried so hard the whole night just shaking and confused. Andrew was “nonchalant” about me dumping him after he wanted more time and wouldn’t break up with me first. 3 times I tried to get him to do it not because I wanted him to but because I thought he wanted to.

Andrew was making me feel like I was bothering him or else taking so long to reply to messages, I kept saying “If you’re too busy for me, you can break up with me and focus on school. We can be friends instead.” But Andrew would turn into a toddler and get aggravated with me and say, “Why are you talking like that? I don’t wanna break up.” And suddenly he’s sending me hearts again and promising me he’s gonna make more time for me and that he wants me…. Ugh and I wanted him so bad… I never wanted someone so bad before. 🤪🤪🤪 I NEVER knew it was just trauma bonding and obsession but I did care about him. I stalked his Facebook religiously to see what he does when he’s away from me. I wasn’t totally blind to the fact he’s very outgoing so I was confused why he was so shy with me… not knowing he’s emotionally unavailable and can’t help but to show his true colors to me cuz I’m smarter than I give myself credit for. Lust was blinding, not love.

I forgive myself still and I’m still working on forgiving Andrew too ❤️‍🩹 cuz he’s a person too and obviously had hidden trauma he never told me about probably from childhood but I can’t save him. I can only face reality and see him for who he really is and accept it. Wishing him well from a safe distance and hoping for his self growth! ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 🙏🏻

[tbd99]

Entry 7

It’s been a few days. I thought about writing every day but I just didn’t have the energy to.

Today, I almost cried when I woke up. Last night I had been praying and just begging to let me sleep forever. When I opened my eyes, there was no moment of clarity. Just pure dread.

I would like to say “I miss when I was a child, and ready to start the day each time I woke up,” but that’s simply not true.

I had been wishing to never wake up from my pillow from as long as I can remember. I have never been happy being alive. People think I’m lying when I say that. Because I look so happy, so full of joy when I speak. But that’s so far from the truth. Everything I do is an act, just so people don’t need to worry. I don’t know who I am anymore because of it.

Each day, that feeling of taking those pills grows stronger, or relapsing.

Sometimes I think, if life really *was* that unbearable, I’d have done the job correctly by now. I remember my last attempt, and truly thinking that I would never open my eyes again. It was the most peace I had ever felt. That I would never have to struggle again and hate myself.

But, I’m still here. It almost worked.

That was my most serious attempt, all my others were just… lousy. I tried to take pain killers and sleeping pills but those only made me feel slightly sick in the morning. I took one bottle of this medication my doctors gave me for heart issues and that didn’t work. Now I have two, and I know for a fact if I take them both, I won’t wake up in the morning.

They sit by me each and every night. But still, I don’t take them. Why? If all I can write about is how tired of life I am then why can’t I just end it? I wouldn’t have to worry anymore, and I’d finally be happy. So why am I still here?

My mother knows something is up with me. She asked me if I was okay and of course I said yes. She said I could talk to her about anything and I said okay. I stopped believe her. I couldn’t talk to her about anything. Everything I ever talk to her about ends poorly. She always judges me, shames me, tries to change who I am, or pokes fun at me. I’ve stopped telling her anything now.

If I ever did go through with it, and it worked, I just hopes she knows it wasn’t her fault. I am unfixable. She just got unlucky having me as a son.

My life has been nothing but a waste and I don’t see that ever changing. I am not smart, not pretty, and not useful. There’s so many things that are wrong with me that the good parts of me don’t even matter.

People tell me I’m funny. But that’s all an act. If people knew how I really was, they’d never like me. I hardly speak or smile when I’m not putting on an act.

It’s so exhausting fronting like that, just so people don’t find you as a pain to be around.

I think my friends also know something is up with me. I got a text saying how they’re all here for me and stuff. That was sweet. But, I can’t stay for them.

I remember going to a psychiatrist to try and get a depression diagnosis. My mother doesn’t believe I’m depressed. She thinks people have put stuff in my head to make me think something’s wrong with me.

The psychiatrist said that maybe I should just go on walks more often, and how I just seem too bright to be depressed. She told me how it’s probably just the teenage hormones making me think this way, and my mother was quick to agree with her.

No one has any idea what goes on in my mind.

No one knows me.

I’ve started to believe that I’m not depressed. I mean hell, what have I been through that constitutes depression? I’ve had such an easy life that it makes no sense for me to be this way.

I don’t need therapy, I’d rather them give to someone who actually needs it. I’ve found a solution to all my problems, I just need to execute it properly.

Anyway, I guess I can’t lay in bed forever. It’s already 4pm. Bye.