#this is sort of schizophrenia

[atthecenterofeverything]

the pale without organs

disco elysium // félix guattari and gilles deleuze, anti-oedipus: capitalism and schizophrenia (1972) // sam shields (@dogffish), "hope, holes in the world & disco elysium"

[a-minke-whales-tale]

When you look into my eye human, what do you see?

Do you see a friendly curious gentle creature exploring her environment? Something intelligent and alive?

Do you see an anxious and nervous animal, not for what you have done, but for others of your kind? Wary what you might do?

Do you see a soul? Do you see beauty in her eye? A shared moment as we look to each other?

Do you see nothing? It is just an animal - unfeeling, unthinking. Is this moment just one for you?

Do you see simply resources? A part of the natural world granted to you by your god to exploit. Something for which no consideration is necessary?

Do you see yourself reflected in my eye?

What do you see human?

[dykedvonte]

I beg people in the MW to think very carefully when they talk about mental illness and physical disability cause it’s not as straight forward and easy to diagnose/depict as you think…

[ihavethegrimoire]

I respect the "satoru fell harder" headcanons, but I really think suguru fell so hard he smacked his head on the pavement and that's why he was such a fucked up mess by the end.

[smuggsy]

i just watched all of us strangers and um, that shit hits hard

[little-paper-ghost-child]

Hhh have to go to the psychosis clinic tomorrow what if they hate usssss

Like yeah mental health is weird and stuff but whyyyy

The closer it gets the more scary it is

We don’t really want to go

They might get mad and say we made it up

Or get mad and say we have to get admited

Dunno man it’s scary

Being 14 will be cool after this though

Hopefully

We’ve been through enough already

Sorry this is kinda venty haha

[daz4i]

people are so evil about mental illnesses and to mentally ill people it's actually disgusting

[holoship]

rewatching blood hungry makes me desperate 2 write terrible incomprehensible posts abt cm series 1 + 2 and psychosis/schzospec stuff and spencer <3

[cadaverskey]

[bearstuck]

theres a hypothetical instance of asylumstuck being written well and not incredibly offensive and yet every single time i see some old asylumstuck posts i am blown away by how they manage to get literally every depiction of mental illness incorrect. its like they googled the symptoms and then deliberately wrote against the reality of those illnesses. its like they googled awful stereotypes about mentally ill (mostly psychotic or suicidal people) and made it their personal project to include as many as they could

[sincerely-sofie]

I'm not sure how weird of a question it would be to ask, or if it's one i should ask, but if you could choose to hallucinate one of them again without any kind of drawbacks just to talk with them, would you? And who would you talk to?

Not a weird question at all, and it's one I've actually asked myself a lot over the years! If I were able to hallucinate one of my old Brain Roommates™️ again, but without the intense anxiety that is required for me to hallucinate in the first place or the actual damage to my brain that hallucinations do, I'd be very, very interested in it. However, my answer for who I would speak to in this hypothetical scenario has changed throughout the years.

Originally, I wanted to talk to the Black Clock. He was the most consistently distressing hallucination, and was a sort of manifestation of my intense perfectionism and high standards for myself. I wanted to ask him if I was enough. It was a question that haunted me for years, and either answer scared me. If I was enough, then that meant I wasn't living up to my potential and that I was "sinful, irredeemable filth" according to the script I told myself back then. If I wasn't enough, then I didn't deserve anything good and I was an active blight on all that I loved, somehow. Nowadays I don't have anything to say to him. I'm enough for myself and I'm enough for God. The opinion of some misfiring synapses doesn't matter.

After that, I wanted to speak to the Red Woman. She expressed remorse after I found my first set of medications that partially stopped me from hallucinating, and she apologized for what she put me through and told me goodbye. I held her the night I took those medications while she cried and said she was scared to die. I never saw or heard from her again, at least as a hallucination. I wanted to tell her I forgave her and that I hoped she was okay, wherever she was. I don't have that same anxiety over the speculative mortality of the voices in my head anymore, so I wouldn't say I would want to talk to her again. There's not much point to it in my eyes. She hurt me and said she was sorry. That's a full sentence. I don't need to open it up for anything else.

Later on, I wanted to talk to the Lime Hands because, in a very bizarre exchange, he expressed to me he was depressed and didn't want to exist. I wanted to see if he was feeling any better, as strange as it was to ask that of a hallucination. Now, though, I hate that freak and make no apologies for what the dang thing put me through, and the only way I'd want to reunite with him is in some wonderland scenario where I could tangibly interact with him. And that's only because I'm punching that sucker's teeth in and breaking his pinky fingers.

As for the present day answer: If I were to choose any of my hallucinations to speak to without consequence, I think I'd like to speak to Doc Brown, or the Marigold Girl.

Doc Brown was the most cordial of the hallucinations and actually stepped in to advocate for me on occasion when the pain was really bad. I liked him a lot. He was a friend to me when I had very few people to talk to. We joked together and he gave me advice and words of comfort during some of the worst nights of my life. I think it'd be fun, in a very surreal way, to catch up with him— ask him how he's doing, how he's been, if he and the Marigold Girl are still buddies and if the Red Woman and him ever got over the hump of their flirtatious hatred for each other and actually became an item. It'd be a nice little send off to the guy. He was one of the first hallucinations I stopped experiencing, and his disappearance was very abrupt. I'd like to be able to say goodbye properly, thank him for his help, and smile and kindly say I hope I never see him again.

(also, the guy's whole shtick was anxiety over disease / contamination and the possibility of me infecting others with whatever bug I caught at the time. I stopped hallucinating him WAY before 2020 and I think he would lose his mind if I told him about COVID-19. That was his time to shine and he missed it. Poor thing.)

The Marigold Girl was a very difficult figure for me to handle when I was hallucinating. On the one hand, she was a lovely, if somewhat unsettling, little girl. She liked it when I read books and explained the plots to her. She always wanted to be held. She was scared of the dark. She adored my stuffed animals and would whisper to them while I was trying to sleep. I enjoyed being around her for the most part, but she was a very weepy hallucination, and the Black Clock would deal out punishment without fail whenever she cried— it was always my fault somehow, and so I suffered the consequences of her being a bit of a crybaby.

Looking back, I feel bad for her. She was a good kid, or at least as good of a kid as an unhealthy cocktail of neurochemicals in a weary brain can be. She once said she didn't want to cry all the time and wished she knew how to stop because I got in trouble because of it. I think it would be nice to comfort her and tell her it wasn't her fault that I'd be hurt. She couldn't control things anymore than I could back then.

I'd really like to show her the new stuffed animals I've collected over the years and read her one of the short stories I've written. I think she'd like Winter Came and Went if she didn't have to worry about the consequences of crying during the sad parts. She'd definitely enjoy Bibbidy Bee Goes to the Library. If possible, I'd like to ask what her favorite color is. I think she'd have a lot of fun answering, and I'd like being able to get to know this part of my psyche that was scared to let herself show any sadness for fear of hurting others with it.

[lixzwithapen]

I have no control over my life left.

Just hide it, do as you're told, don't forget.

I may not be very active from now on. Idk. I'm off the deep end. I've lost it. Just lost it completely.

Hopefully I'll find enough peace to write again soon.

Stay safe as always.

[tracle0]

hello I am wandering into your askbox with request for A Ramble :D I have been thinkin about He (Cain) because I am a longtime member of the Cain fanclub n wanted to know if you could talk about his schizophrenia a little? I remember bits and bobs from way back when but ye I just wanna hear more about it, n whether it's changed since you first created him :3 also what's his favourite colour?

Ahh Cain yeah! He’s a guy I can! For sure chatter about him. For sure. You have indeed been a long term member, and I? Think? You were? What inspired me to give him? Schizophrenia? Man that’s wild. Mm. Okay! 

Cain himself has changed a lot since I first made him (which was! Maybe? Five years ago now?), and his schizophrenia has changed alongside that. Originally, when I talked about him more, he was a computer hacker and a bundle of paranoia and fresh prison escapee. These days, he’s? Mostly? Just a guy? Aspiring penetration tester, current psychology student, darling and wonderful twin brother.

In terms of his schizophrenia, it’s… mmm. Less? There? In the main main storyline? It’s mentioned and relevant at times for sure. A snippet from when he gets possessed that brings it up, here:

(I'm writing on my phone and have been for the past few months, it's the only thing that works these days, shhh).

So like. It’s bought up. He’s aware of it and sceptical of things, including things that get in his head and starts to try to tell him to do something, buuuuuut the infection is also in his head and, as a result, also aware of it and works around it and/or with it to get what it wants. As you can see, distinguished itself as separate from other hallucinated voices very quickly, cements itself as something to be trusted and listened to and, in time, obeyed, using anything it has at its disposal. Which is primarily, control and influence over his mind. 

So like. Example. Cain is sometimes paranoid about food - where it comes from, what’s in it, and how it could harm him. It’s something he’s worked on for a while, but when possessed, he starts to go “um hey actually I should stop this very long mission across the country and eat or sleep maybe?” It’s like. Hahahahaha!!! No???? What??? No!!! Keep going!!!! And just. Flickers that old paranoia until he’s like oh yeah you’re totally right I’ll keep going nvm 

At other times, though, the infection finds his schizophrenia to be a problem! A deterrent from what it needs doing - he’s spending energy and resources and thought on these delusions or worries, he’s struggling to speak correctly, and he’s not entirely trusting it as much as he should. So it. Just. Removes the symptoms. It’s a. Balance between what is useful to it, and what is a problem to it. 

The? Infections' main goal is to get to various statues of gods across the country. Anything that detracts from that is a problem. Cain needing to eat is a problem, so it removes the need for that. Cain needing to rest is a problem, so it removes the need for that. Cain struggling to get the right words across to tell someone they need to let him pass is a problem, so it removes that. 

This acts as a red flag for Theo nd Raya, our lovely main characters, in realising something is deeply wrong with Cain after being possessed - he’s usually apathetic, very blank face a lot of the time. With this infection (it’s, uh, name is the Blight I’m just gonna say that haha), he starts to express more, which very much concerns them, because he doesn’t. He doesn’t do that???? If he’s comfortable with you he’ll just :| or >:| and be happy with that? Why is he smiling? Why is he snarling? That’s? Not? Right?????? 

I will also say that his schizophrenia is quite important to the. Backstory? Context? … Lore???? The background of Theo nd Cains's relationship. Theo, obviously, is a prophet, the last voice of the gods, seer of the past and future. All these fun things that he hates. He reports these as voices and visions he sees in his dreams and trudges through life, irked that he has to manage them. At first, Cain is. Indifferent about them. Just a thing Theo does, who cares. When he starts to hear voices, he starts to care a little more, though. Asks questions about it. Gets the details. And slowly, a delusion starts to form that - hey, your brother is a prophet. So are you. Listen to these voices, hear what the universe tells you, it’s important. 

It is made about a million times worse by the fact that, upon hearing this thought, Theo encourages it. 

He’s got this Thing that he’s been alone with for so long, to have someone - his brother, even! - Share in it? A dream come true! (Not that kind of dream). So Cain spirals a fair bit, struggles a fair bit, is finally caught for what the problem is and, to a degree, shuns his brother. Doesn’t… actively blame him, because he can recognise that he didn’t do it maliciously, but the damage was still done and he was absolutely a catalyst in it. Theo is asked to leave home. Theo leaves home. Comes back for a visit, is a day late, and - ah, Cain is mistaken for his brother, kidnapped, and possessed by the Blight in his place. And then we kick off our plot.

So like? The story is very much about the final echoes of a dead religion, the prophet sent to try and preserve it, and the inhumanity he faces as a result of what he was born as. It's very much a story of this divine infection, created for a specific purpose and then hated for fulfilling it, discarded and left to rot, and its next attempt to be noticed, to be loved. And it's very much a story about the incredible damage someone close to you can do with all good intentions, and a process of forgiveness for? Both? Brothers? Sorry I sent you away. Sorry I hurt you like that. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

That got. Long. My bad. Uh! Colour! Cain is actually fully colour-blind, so? He? Doesn't have one. During his possession, the Blight sloooooowly gives him the ability to see golds and yellows, because that's the colour it claims, so? Gold? I suppose? Is his default favourite :)?

[shurale]

Hard to tell what I'm obsessed with because I recently realized I'm depressed again LOL

[nickmpreg]

ive only been diagnosed with ptsd , depression , and anxiety so i don’t know much about the process of receiving care for other mental illnesses but reading firsthand accounts i can tell that , even now , the care that’s available for many is EXTREMELY inadequate . those with the ‘dangerous’ mental illnesses and thoughts get tossed in the psych ward away from their support systems wherein they’ll likely come out even worse than when they went in . like what im saying isn’t mind blowing information and is basic to anyone who’s ever had the pleasure of being in a crisis center just to be admitted but the fact that there are now teenagers on tiktok , twitter , etc BEGGING to be placed in psych wards , not because of their mental health status , but because they heard of people glamorizing it . they see videos of patients glamorizing their own experience to cope and twist it into a pretzel and hold it up and say ‘well it’ll be just like this if i go !’ like im just soooo worried about the status of mental health care and how if people like this never grow out of their thinking it’ll just keep going

[dead-or-unalive]

the council has conferred and it has been decided that the most painful ages to happen to a person are 12, 17, 19, and 23