#this is sooooo disconnected i am so so sorry

[shakingparadigm]

may i ask your opinions on what ivan is truly like ?

( without pretending to be someone or something else entirely ? )

Okay !! Finally back to answering asks !! Once again, please be mindful of the fact that these are mostly my own personal thoughts. Always take them with a grain of salt.

The thing is, Ivan is an incredibly difficult character. He was written to be complex and multi-faceted, literally having more than just one "face". His actions almost always have another layer of depth to them and he tends to contradict himself, further complicating people's perception of him. It's not easy to pin him down, and that was exactly the intent. They made sure that the viewers wouldn't be able to fully grasp his emotions.

( I find this fact rather funny, because in one of the behind posts QMENG herself says that sometimes Ivan does things she cannot understand. The creators just allow Ivan to be complicated. He is what he is, and while there are undoubtedly reasons for it, the full truth remains unknown to us. )

Regardless, this is what I personally think.

Ivan seems to define himself by his imperfection, so much so that his actions and perspectives are influenced by his deep self-hatred. It's established that Ivan is "lacking" something, he is fundamentally different from others. Ivan builds himself around this since he literally has nothing else. He defines himself by his lack of definition. The fact that he is different and needs to be "cured". Ivan grows attached to the qualities that he "lacks", drawn to the biggest personality in the garden like a moth to a flame. He is fascinated, not envious, and I think that says a lot about him. He places those qualities on a pedestal, believing them to be so much better than himself. He feels that it's something he will never achieve or deserve, something he can't have.

It's interesting that the only time we can pin Ivan as "envious" is not when he's faced with his opposite, but with his parallel. Someone he believed to be just like him.

One thing about Ivan is that he is (unsurprisingly) lonely. Since his entire life is defined by this feeling of separation from others (either literally through the segyein's selection or more intangibly through his mental and emotional difference from others), Ivan feels constantly isolated. Nobody has been able to properly understand him, which further worsens the feeling that something is wrong with him.

When he finally finds someone that he can relate with, it brings him a sense of relief. Note that when Ivan refers to (what he perceives as) their similarity, he uses derogatory language. Twisted. This is how he views himself.

( translation is by @sorrowcure ! )

Compared to his interactions with others, his confrontation with Sua is uncomfortably honest. Ivan is most critical with the person he relates to, further emphasizing how deeply critical he is of himself. Ivan is not envious of Till or Mizi, who are so fundamentally different from him, he's envious of Sua because she is just like him yet has something that he doesn't.

It may feel unfair for the one person you saw yourself in to accomplish something so out of your reach. Her love was reciprocated in full, adored and revered by the person she loved most. They weren't the same, after all. It reinforces what he always believed to be true: he was alone.

( translation by @/oreganocactus on Twitter! )

There are many other instances of Ivan's self-deprecation and low sense of self-worth that leak into his behavior, such as down-playing himself in his interview, referring to his own feelings as "shallow", convincing himself that he was never truly cared about, etc. His deep dissatisfaction of himself rises to the surface quite often, shown in the way that he takes pride in his achievements (his work), yet cannot view himself as a person in a positive light.

INTERVIEWER: What do you think is your charm?

IVAN: I can't really think of any, because I think I have more flaws (haha),

To me, a lot of the "actual" Ivan can be seen in his younger self. It's not a complete display of what Ivan is truly like, obviously. He was a child and hadn't yet developed in certain areas. Still, it's a period in Ivan's life where he didn't mask or play up a different image. The quiet, stoic, and blunt Ivan seems to be a more genuine side of him, at least compared to his more charming persona. QMENG considered Ivan with his hair down to be "most like himself", and I think it's no coincidence that the most memorable version of Ivan with his hair down is his child self. The infamous Bowl Cut Ivan.

With this fact in mind, I also find it no coincidence that in ROUND 6, where Ivan is presented as a "perfect actor" in costume, he starts off with his hair slicked back.

And when he finally drops the mask, when he acts out of his own volition, his hair falls onto his face. Hair down, most like himself.

Another notable instance of Ivan's hair being down is the casino/karaoke room scene, which was quoted as an example for Ivan's emotional immaturity, his supposed "childishness".

There's so much to be said about Ivan, including the neurodivergent/autistic traits that have been discussed by other people in more depth (notably his difficulty in understanding/expressing certain emotions, his masking, his often misconstrued actions, etc). There's also many of Ivan's more conflicting aspects (which seem mostly confined to the patreon? so I'm not sure if they're still planning to incorporate it into the publicly official content or if it was overhauled), but I'm going to stop here because I feel like this post is already pretty random and disconnected.

The gist of it is that I don't think I can give a solid answer on what Ivan is truly like. I'm not even sure if he can answer that, as he seems to be at war with himself quite frequently. Ivan, under his charming and cheery facade, is unable to feel or express emotion in the same way other people do, which causes difficulty and struggle in many other aspects of his life. Not like the one he has is completely his anyway, but, you know.

[katyspersonal]

9 and 10 for your boy Micolash!

Also, 9 and 10 for Eileen maybe? :D

(Asks from this ( x ) meme)

(For Micolash)

9) Headcanons about their past

Oh, well... This is a little complicated, as we see Micolash in his final form rather than some shadow of the past (like Hunters' Nightmare people or whatever), so that might be the whole essay featuring EVERYTHING that happened before we met him, but I'll spare you from that x) Besides, I already talked about it a lot. But, I did steal headcanon from @saintmicolash that Mico was orphaned! Since my Rom is his sister that applies to her too, but they were separated and grew up without even knowing of each other's existence all that much. He only had a memo in the form of a pink ribbon that was cut in half, with the second bit belonging to Rom. Back to stolen headcanons - Micolash was never adopted and just grew up Like That, but the caretaker of his orphanage was abusive and certainly not a mother figure at all. As result, he grew up having giant mommy issues, that manifested in how much he is latching at Kos; however, this more of less effected almost ALL women he encounters. Only Rom, Fauxsefka and my character Phoebe are spared and are seen as equal or underlings, depending on his current mental state.

Now to the stuff I imagine on my own, stemming from this? I think he's always been rather bookish and having a hunch for research, willing to get into trouble to steal a book or two. He also would constantly strike 'friendships' with insects or wounded birds he found, keeping them and taking care of them. Naturally, orphanages are full of traumatised kids that take their pain out on weaker people, and when there is no surveillance by an authority... oh boy. He dealt with a lot of bullying, but that included the bullies figuring what/who he cared about and ruining it. His reaction to his books being torn could have stayed at simply crying and begging them to stop, but it was when a girl killed the birdling with broken wing he cared for that triggered him to learn to manipulate, scheme, and harbour and deliver revenge. During growing up, he had at least several instances of ruining other people's health and chances, if not straight up dooming them to die, not capable of physical confrontation and only having his pain, his intellect and his insecurities as a survival tool.

His soft, even innocent side somehow never truly vanished, but rather he's became split as a person. Not the 'twisted and manipulative monster under cover of innocent and sensitive man', but like... BOTH twisted and manipulative monster WITH innocent and sensitive man in one, without predictable system of when one changes into another. As a result, he hadn't formed close bonds until his adolescence, because his temper and unpredictable cruelty triggered by insecurities scared many people away. He hoped to abandon the "bad" side of him in the past when he entered Byrgenwerth, but although students were... 'strange'? enough to not pull your regular college issues antics, even as much as a hint of being threatened could trigger the good ol' paranoia and insecurities in him. It felt like he could never escape the sides of him that not even he accepted unless he is in perfect conditions, that were of course to never come.

I also like to think that as someone desperate and hopeless in his time, he was sure to develop extra interest in the past as a form of escapism! That brought him to have his eyes on Byrgenwerth back when it was still a place to research history and archaeology. He also was spending a lot of time in Hemwick with witches, studying herbs secrets, healing and weird rituals from them. He REALLY enjoyed the company of older women that liked him, and he also had increased interest in themes of necromancy. His biggest wish was to learn to resurrect people with their mind in the right place, so they could share the secrets they took with them in the grave!

It was also where he befriended Iosefka, Dores and the former head witch. He knew they were big people in Byrgenwerth and hoped there was a way to get a word out for him in there, but the one he was able to convince was Iosefka. Willem had his own strange past so he would not turn down a talented and promising student only because they had no family, money or prior education; he knew that none of these things told anything about person's true smartness! So, he had audience with Micolash and could see he was capable; maybe potentially dangerous, but he believed a better environment would nourish Mico's best traits and dry out his bad ones. Micolash in general was a person whom only very specific and most intricate people are able to understand, let alone appreciate, however, some students that had to pay a lot to study in Byrgenwerth were jealous and bitter upon learning Micolash earned his place with simply evoking big expectations in Willem. (Willem was STILL accepting some "mediocrities" that could pay because institution ALSO needed finances, you know xD)

Micolash was first and foremost interested in healing, and the secrets of the past that could help with that. He thought altered necromancy and 'eternal life' magic of Pthumerian civilisation could help with that. The noble and kind intentions earned sympathy from people like Laurence and Damian who had similar interest in healing, but of course no one was seeing what was to come with Isz, Willem and his close servants going insane, Fishing Hamlet, and Kos revealing to him the futility of what he held dear. Somewhere before all this, his long lost sister Rom found him, and things between them were good at first, but not good enough. Experienced psychologist would've concluded that Micolash was only toxic and controlling to her because he subconsciously blamed her for not having found him sooner (ie for all his suffering as a child and a teen), but... there wasn't any experienced psychologist.

Annnnnd you already know most of what happened next! That's what I got so far, because I try to think of this question through 'pre-canon' lense, but Mico being a doctor in Research Hall, then using Choir, then forming his own faction doesn't feel pre-canon ENOUGH, you know? yeah

10) Content about them I'd like to see more of

Interpretations of what was going on between Micolash and Archibald. That's it. That's all I want. I know Archibald is just 'an OC with a prompt', but we as a fandom have PLENTY of 'paleblood hunter and Micolash' scenarios yet NOTHING about Micolash and Archie. ;-; Honourable mention: more Micolash and Damian being a pair. I think they are very cute. EXTRA honourable mention: Micolash being involved in Research Hall. We didn't all grow up simping for 'mad doctor' trope in our teens only to ignore the PERFECT opportunity for it! ;-;

(For Eileen)

9) Headcanons about their past

I think her beak mask is one extremely FAT hint towards the fact that she used to be a plague doctor before arriving in Yharnam! I think she is as foreign as every other Hunter of Hunters was said to be, and whereas she changed her clothes into crow-themed garb, her mask is her original one. She was treating as many people in her devastated homeland as she could, but in the end, everything was hopeless and only delaying the inevitable. Eileen picked an interest in Yharnam, having heard rumours of wondrous blood healing, because for all she knew, it could've been the key to helping her place! But as a plague doctor, she was already well accustomed to mercy-killing.

In my head she consistently appears as a person with Indian descent though, that was a promising student in a foreign prestigious college, having enrolled with very good grades. I am still yet to create a consistent design for her as I type this though! She wanted to become a doctor and a scientist in the field! Unfortunately, a terrible sickness struck the town she lived and studied in, but she was unwilling to abandon the 'sinking ship' and willed to do her best to help it. She saw it as a matter of honour with her determination to become a doctor to at least try, and she was not feeling as though these people were strangers in some way merely for being different country and nation; in her head, there was no such thing as people too alien to give everything for. Similar mindset helped her to integrate in Yharnam very well when the town she studied at and later helped as a plague doctor fell. She misses her HOMEland and family sometimes, but what matters is that as far as she recalls they didn't need help; the new places she met did, though.

Naturally, she went a bit astray from her purpose as a healer, instead carrying the burden of mercy-killer. She thinks of it as a dirty, karmically-heavy duty that other people better stay away from, but in her eyes dying as a man and in the battle is way better than dying as a beast. The duty of Hunter of Hunters resonated with her deeply! She additionally believes that only dying as a maddened man but not as a beast will promise a better next life. If you die as a victim of a cruel murder - you must be the innocent one! Have no idea how she'd feel after learning of Hunters Nightmare....

The status of a Hunter of Hunters was passed down to her by Brandon, the previous hunter of this type, who instead chosen to integrate within the Healing Church's walls as an assassin and kill the ones who went too corrupt. Eileen never knew what happened of his pursuit, but she appreciated the trust, and the reveal of terrible faith of hunters that fight to protect the humanity only to become the very thing they hate. Prior that, she was one of the people who was attempting to help Ashen Blood victims - yet again, led to using her 'remaining cold during mercy-killing' skill. Her main concern back then was what exactly went wrong, and she saught Hunter's Dream after Djura said 'fuck this shit I'm out' as a way to have multiple attempts to find out. This, unfortunately, availed her nothing but realising her purpose is not to heal but to send people in better world as men, because the fate will not accept the beasts. She is very lost in this mindset, but she sometimes things back on her past, when she had more hope and wanted to heal.

10) Content about them I'd like to see more of

To be honest, I don't know! It is a rare character to which fandom gave a justice to! Her interactions and the story with the Crow - CHECKED! Her face reveal - CHECKED! Her being badass - CHECKED! And also her interacting with Henryk and Gascoigne. I guess the last thing missing is her being in contras with Valtr, or maybe the opposite - her comforting him to not start murdering just everyone in despair. So yeah, I will name that - her further interactions with the League, not just Henryk.

Thank you for the ask!

[satellite-blossom]

Every time I make progress on Léa's written story in English I think "wow this flows so much better than the French version ! Should I rewrite it AGAIN ? Why does my writing sound more natural in English than in my first language ???".

There are already a few things that are there in English but not in French ; Léa use they/them for themselves while other characters use she/her and they don't dare to correct them & the story is written at the 3rd person but still from Léa's point of view, so there's a moment where Léa feel a disconnect with how characters view them, while it's lessened in French since they use she/her in French at that time. Yeah they go by they/them in English before they look into other pronouns than elle (she/her) in French (well they sort of looked into it but il/lui & iel didn't fit), and me being the detail freak that I am, I can't bring myself to change this fact in the French version... Also yes at the beginning Léa are written to be a petty, somewhat self-centred teenager and not a super reliable narrator. Even if I'm using the 3rd person in English (because Léa mostly think in French so writing in full English at the 1st person seemed weird to me), things are still very much from Léa's point of view ; they keep insulting Amy and painting her to be a stubborn idiot while they fail to consider the wants of the characters they're supposed to be a fan of. Yep yep, at the beginning they also think it's all a dream so they get even more of a main character syndrome. That's supposed to contrast with the attitude of Mobians & other characters ; even through Léa's petty belittling of Amy you can tell she's nice and competent. Léa mostly keep the snarky remarks to themselves, but still Mobians are sooooo nice to them and it's supposed to seem odd to the reader. You have Sonic remarking Shadow's unusual super delicate welcoming attitude towards Léa (Sonic just think it's unusual, not impossible from Shadow), which, while not explicitly stated, is especially surprising since Léa are a mysterious entity who fell from the sky without a single scratch that he's supposed to report on for G.U.N. ; with Shadow's more suspicious tendencies it's surprising to Sonic & Knuckles. And at one point you get an explanation as to why the Mobians are so so SO nice to Léa to an unusual degree, but at first you just have a few seeds here and there. Purple is a lore-dumping machine LOL.

Anyway sorry for rambling this much, I didn't see it coming either.

[causenessus]

MY LOVLINESS <33333333333333 HELLO HELLO good morning evening or afternoon!! i hope you’ve eaten today(MAKE SURE YOU EAT) and i hope your day has been good!! i’m always manifesting a good day for you because you deserve it !! amongst other good good things <3333333333 I MISSED YOU SO MUCH LIKE my whole day i was like I NEED TO REMEMBER TO SHARE THIS WITH NESS like you’re always on my mind like that <33333 right now i’m eating instant pho(which is so funny because my mom is making pho rn but it won’t be ready until tomorrow sooooo…)(SUBSTITUTE!!) ALSO LITERALLY MICROSLEEPING AND WAKING UP IS SO FUNNY BECAUSE LIKE!! one moment it’s 7pm then it’s 7:15 THEN ITS LIKE 9PM AND IM LIKE WHAT?? literally when i woke up this morning my phone was on 30% and i had like keyboard spammed a bit in my response like i did NOT remember passing out so it was so so funny LOL

WE DEFINITELY WORKED IN PARALLELS BECAUSE TODAY AT WORK IT WAS ACTUALLY A GOOD DAY!! which meant you were there in spirit making my work day better <333333333333 my brother came to work and he gave me some snacks which i very much needed and appreciated and i had my favourite manger on duty too! and it felt like such a short and fast day because it was like kind of busy(everyone was back to school shopping so a lot of kids and parents!!) BUT the like thing i was bothered by was how many CRYING KIDS THERE WERE like i don’t know what was in the air but every kid was crying in the store i kid you not!! i wanted to pull my hair out JUST a little bit but overall it was still an okay work day!! and since it’s sunday and we close early IT MADE IT A LITTLE BETTER!! like coming outside and the sky still being bright is always a win! ALSO I GET WHAT YOU MEAN BY THE BREATHING THING DONT WORRY!! like being on autopilots is so weird like especially at work but sometimes it’s scary because ill be doing things so fast and then when i mess up i kind of pause and im like… what… what was i doing??? LMAO IDK IF THATS UNIVERSAL OR IF THATS JUST ME BUT!! literally my brain is just static tv and i’m just MOVING until someone is like “mango anon!” and i’m like OH HI?? like i love out of body experiences idk i think they’re funny LOL ALSO UR COWORKER SEEING YOU GROW UP IS SO CUTE <33333333333 like a lot of my coworkers are moms so they’re all very motherly and lovely it’s so endearing like i love my coworkers so much so i really don’t want to quit but like I NEED TO THINK OF MYSELF !! i have until wednesday i think to decide because then the new work schedule comes out right but THATS SO SOON SO IDK!! IDK IM SCARED!! but i will 100% update you on that if i do decide to quit or i might just take a break and come back during winter time so i can help out but WE’LL SEE! i’ll definitely talk to my manager about it though!!

YES THE GOODBYE MESSAGE LIKE I WISH I COULD SEND IT(i mean i could but it’s basically what you said! like here’s the intro ill copy and paste it)

“Hi team, good morning. I’m pretty sure by now. You might have heard the news that I have decided to resign my position as your store manager. I am sorry that I didn’t have a chance to say bye to many of you. YAP YAP YAP YAP”

(by the way we did NOT HEAR THE NEWS LIKE THIS WAS NEWS FOR EVERYONE!!)

like it just came out of nowhere and i was literally like OH OKAY!! because this was when i was literally thinking of quitting THEN SHE SENDS THAT AND IM LIKE oh!!! oohhhhh!! okay! AND PLS YOUR SISTERS BF SENDING YOU THAT MESSAGE??? LIKE ITS KIND OF ENDEARING THAT HE DID BUT the fact that you heard it from HER BF before HER was actually crazy like RANDOM BIG NEWS OUT OF NOWHERE IS SO FUNNY BECAUSE IM ALWAYS LIKE …. what happened to hello!.. how are you!.. how’s you day! like nope right to the case like if my brothers girlfriend ever sent me that i think i would literally like have a disconnected moment like i would just STARE at the message before properly processing it like…. wdym… WDYM?? WHY IS MY BROTHER RADIO SILENT RN???

OH MY GOD COLD KISSES MENTION??? I LOVE LOVE LOVED COLD KISSES SO MUCH I LOVE KENMA I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVEE AHHH cold kisses was so great like ALSO I DIDNT KNOW YOU WROTE BINARY STARS?? like i didn’t see it on your page until you brought it up again just recently and i was like WHAT!! so you bet i will 100% read it when i have the time because i literally love your writing so much like i wanna eat it and absorb it into my soul because reading it isn’t enough, i need to FULLY absorb it into me!! AND UR SO RIGHT!! i don’t blame him for totally being distracted by your smaus because me too! sometimes i’ll be sitting down then i remember a certain part of one of your smaus and i go back and read it LOL like LOVE NOTES<3333333333333 LOVE NOTES I MISS U <33333333333333333333 ALSO PLS FIGHT HIM OR TELL HIM TO GET OFF MY BACK!!! i unfortunately can not do 20 things at once as much as i wish to!! like i couldn’t even argue back when he was like “wait you aren’t done your main task?” like i was trying to be polite so i was literally like “no im sorry i’ve been busy doing the other stuff” and he was literally like “make sure you finish before you clock out!” LIKE REALLY??? REALLY???? OH NO I WAS JUST PLANNING ON NOT DOING MY JOB!!! like i wanted to scream because im just a girl and maybe stop making me do your side missions!! also i find it so cute how we’re starting to share words or kind of text mannerisms?(if that makes sense) LIKE WE ARE LITERALLY ONE NESS!! WE ARE ONE!!! SOULMATES FOREVER I TELL YOU !!!!

also the way i can totally imagine your manager LOL WITH THE HAIRCUT AND THE CAR WITH THE DUCKS?? AND YES I REMEMBER THE BLACK CORAL THING THAT WAS CRAZY! your manager sounds so unserious like WDYM A POUND OF COCAINE?? like he’s so silly i agree we should have more silly managers like i have my male manager, a silly manager, my fav manager aka the girl manager i was talking about AND THE STORE MANAGER THAT JUST QUIT(still literally FLABBERGASTED BY THIS) ALSO UR CLOSING LIKE UMM PROCEDURES(?)ARE SO DIFFERENT FROM MINE! because we literally just all clean together like there’s not really a department separation? but we do have like a home section but everyone kind of like does their own thing right like the manager will send some people to one section of the store and other sections and stuff like that but overall we all kind of close together if that makes sense??? ALSO YOU SWEEPING THE ENTIRE STORE??? absolutely NO WAY like i was paid to stand here and help little customers NOT SWEEP THE WHOLE STORE?? me personally i would’ve helped you because there’s no way LIKE IDK WE HAVE CLEANERS TO DO THAT AT MY STORE BUT THATS STILL CRAZY! like wdym sweep the ENTIRE STORE?? BY MYSELF??? like i would cry but i hope you were okay! also not being able to take your 15 i would RIOT and i would give myself an extra 15 minute break on my next shift because there’s no way… and to the manager that yelled at you for being on your phone I WILL BITE U !!! NOT LOVINGLY I WILL BARK BARK BARK LIKE HOW DARE SHE?? the nerve after MAKING YOU MISS YOUR BREAK AND SWEEP THE WHOLE STORE?? i’m absolutely FUMING FOR YOU RIGHT NOW!!(also i did find it funny but funny in a way where i’m like THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED?? LIKE THATS CRAZY) if i ever had to miss my break like that i would literally make it EVERYONES problem like i will be a total maniac about it like “ugh i couldn’t take MY 15 MINUTE BREAK” (like its just 15 min but 15 MINUTES IS 15 MINUTES OF MUCH NEEDED ME TIME!!!)

ALSO PLS I DO NOT WISH CLOTHING RETAIL ON U!! like i’m not saying it’s terrible but i feel like clothing retail workers get disrespected A LOT and like customers are not very mindful and I DONT WISH THAT ON U!! U DESERVE NOTHING BUT THE BEST!! also that manager that made you cry??? i hope he knows i’ve casted a hex on him and that he will not know peace…. i will personally make sure he doesn’t know peace …… i’m coming out for him(not lovingly) and not the compromise LMAOOO like no it’s not a scheduling problem it’s a HIM problem !! also i think i will just like write a letter like hey sorry im quitting because i can’t prioritize work anymore and YAP YAP YAP ty for teaching me how to do clothing stuff and YAP YAP YAP AND UR SO RIGHT!! god knew we’d be too powerful together so he put us in different countries because otherwise?? WE COULD BUILD HOUSES!! RUN A RESTAURANT BY OURSELVES!! TAKE OVER THE WORLD EVEN!! anything is possible with u LIKE WE’D BE TOO POWERFUL!!

WE ARE DIFFERENT TWO PEAS IN A POD BECAUSE WHENEVER YOURE LIKE “i’m sorry idk if that made sense” i’m always like IT DOES!! I GET YOU!! U DONT HAVE TO WORRY!! like we are on the same wavelength we are one in two we are soulmates twin flames lovers and everything in between

NESS UR LITERALLY THE SWEEST LIKE IDK IT FEELS SO ENDEARING THAT YOU THINK OF ME LIKE TELL ME WHY IM KICKING MY FEET AND GIGGLING RN !! i love hearing work drama because it’s so crazy like i have so many old work stories that i swear they sound fake BUT ITS REAL LIKE literally the most random things happen at work and maybe that’s why i like staying like maybe i need that extra drama in my life you know!! AND STOP NESS STOP STOP YOU SAVING YOUR DAY FOR ME?? FOR ME HHHH AHHHHHH i’m gonna give you a big fat kiss like i’m AHHHHH IM SO SOFT AND SQUISHY RN!! you’re making me smile like if people see me smiling at my phone like no it’s not a MAN it’s NESS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE MY EVERYTHING!!! ness i love you like my life is yours i genuinely like every words of endearment will be dedicated to you for the rest of my life like i would catch a grenade bruno mars style for you like STOP IM SORRY I CANT GET OVER THIS AHHH ur so sweet i will bite ur cheek lovingly and give you my heart and soul and body and mind and anything you want <333333333333 just say the word and ill do it for you <3333333333333333 also i will keep in mind the requests thing because that’s so cute like i’m IM SO SQUISHY RN I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AHHH AHHHHHHHHH

ALSO UR RIGHT MEN DONT DESERVE MY POLITENESS!! like i lost my customer service voice a LONG time ago because i can not deal with these customers anymore!! because some of them just don’t deserve it like im not gonna gentle parent you and be like “no sir! i’m sorry that the government made you pay for bags but that’s not my fault! would you like to express how you’re feeling and we can talk it out?” LIKE NO I DO NOT CARE LIKE IM SORRY OUR BAGS ARS 50 CENTS BUT THATS LIFE BUDDY!!! NOT MY FAULT!! like he’s acting like i was sitting with the damn president and making that decision with him like he’s acting like i was like “yes mister president we should get rid of plastic bags and make the customers pay for reusable bags” LIKE IM SORRY MAN I WAS NOT THERE !! u think i like asking you to pay 50 cents for a bag? NO!! but i don’t want to lose my job unfortunately!! but i think i will be quitting which is very bittersweet and sad but we’ll see!! maybe ill try out just working 9-5 every saturday and see how it goes… BUT WHO KNOWS!! my managers are silly so maybe they’ll say yes or no but ill update you on that!!

also omg the cinnamon almond butter i found online is $20 SHIPPING FEE??? AND THE JAR ITSELF IS $17 LIKE THATS CRAZY! the jar itself costs more than what i make in an hour and you want me to pay $20??? FOR SHIPPING?? at this point i will make it myself OR I WILL MEET NESS AND SHARE THE CINNAMON ALMOND BUTTER WITH BAGELS <3333333 we can eat it together like a cute little picnic and talk about how terrible work is <3333333333333333333

ALSO I DECIDED I WILL MAKE A BURNER ACCOUNT FOR YOU !! just because my account right now is so messy like i’ve reblogged a bunch of things from like old fandoms so you’ll scroll and you’ll see like gravity falls, fnaf, fairy tail like LOL A BUNCH OF MESSY THINGS but also just so you have a way to reach out to me and like also i miss you a bunch throughout the day so maybe ill just be like “missing u hours !!!” and also if you ever wanna tell me anything somewhat personal(like the bday thing WHICH IM SO SO SO SO SORRY ABOUT LIKE I GENUINELY CANT EVEN EXPRESS HOW SORRY I AM FOR BRINGING IT UP but ill expand on this more later)(AGAIN IM SO SO SORRY LIKE I FELT SO BAD AND I HHHHH) then ill be there!! BUT I LOVE OUR DYNAMIC TOO LIKE this is literally me sending you LOVE NOTES everyday!!

OMG SCORPIOS AND CANCERS ARE COMPATIBLE?? STOP IT BECAUSE WE ARE LITERALLY MEANT TO BE NESS LIKE EVEN THE STARS SAY SO!! also ness im so sorry like im genuinely so sorry for bringing it up I HAD NO IDEA HHHH I DIDNT THINK ABOUT IT AND IM SO SORRY LIKE I DONT THINK YOURE A LIAR AND YOUR REASONING MAKES TOTAL SENSE but i’m still so sorry like oh my god i felt so bad when i read that like im gonna send you a bit birthday cake and presents right now :((( and a big sorry cake like I FEEL SO BAD AND IK YOULL TELL ME NOT TO FEEL BAD AND TO NOT FEEL GUILTY BUT I DO IM SORRY(if i ever bring up something you’re uncomfortable with please please please don’t feel obligated to answer like i will not mind!! id rather you be comfortable than feel like you have to admit something you don’t want to)(you’re my number one priority so please please don’t ever feel forced to say things!!)it definitely wasn’t upsetting to find out i’m so sorry i was just more concerned that i missed your birthday and i didn’t say happy birthday </3333 i literally love love love you so much please don’t say sorry </3 you’re okay!! i’ll literally give you the biggest hug ever im so sorry and everything is okay you’re okay and you’re doing fine!! <33333333333333333333333

AND OMG I KNEW THE SUNA AND ATSUMU LOSER THING WAS YOU!! i’ve been your guardian angel since day one <3333333 your guard dog and everything! i remember seeing it and i was like if 2020 haikyuu fandom finds this they would grill this poor girl so im going to send in something to make sure she knows i have her back!! ONE MAN ARMY I TELL YOU!! i will literally stand in the frontlines for you and protect you against the suna smoking headcanon-ers(?) like I HAVE YOUR BACK FOREVER AND ALWAYS!! i remember also i kept checking your blog to make sure no one was sending in hate like i was on GUARD because i was like i will literally defend this girl with my life if i see her starting to get hate (i loved you from day one it was love at first sight) AND I WILL PROTECT YOU IN PHAS SO DONT WORRY!! you can stay in the van and watch the cameras while i set everything up!! you can just sit and look pretty and ill enter in the house for you <33333333333

YES THE RANDOM INTERMISSIONS ILL DO THAT NOW TO REMIND YOU TO DRINK WATER !! MYSELF INCLUDED!! because sometimes i forget to drink water since like i don’t get thirsty sometimes but i realize that i haven’t drank that much water… SO ALWAYS REMEMBER TO DRINK WATER!!!

ness im literally on a plane rn flying to the states for you like I WILL BE YOUR SOUND PERSON!! your director sounds kind of mean i hope you don’t have that same stress and everything goes smooth sailing for you </33333 unfortunately idk what a thespian conference is? i don’t think my country does that or maybe just my high school LOL but i hope your stage manager duties goes well because you deserve the best!! and if your director says something to you then i will appear right behind him and kick him unlovingly!! but i know you can do it and YOULL DO A GOOD JOB!! IM ROUTING FOR YOU AND IK YOULL DO WELL!! don’t stress to much and remember that at the end of the day, it’s just tech and you’re more important than the show <333333333333333 please prioritize yourself and make sure you’re eating and drinking lots of water!!

I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU ON THE KIDS THING!! there will definitely be the annoying menaces but then you find the absolute sweethearts and they just <33333333 like motherly instincts coming in quick because i just want to protect them!! like i wish i adopted a tech theatre kid so i could protect them from the director but unfortunately all of them were so annoying so FREE FOR ALL!! DONT WORRY ABOUT TYPOS BECAUSE I PROBABLY MAKE TYPOS TOO BUT DW!! like i stopped proofreading these so i just wrote and hope for the best and im glad that i get my point across enough LOL BUT SOMETIMES I IMAGINE LIKE “i wonder if ness reads these and thinks im crazy…” AND I WOULDNT BLAME YOU!! you could never do anything wrong and even if you HYPOTHETICALLY DO it would turn a blind eye because i know ness can’t do anything wrong!! AND THE NIGHTMARE WOULD SCARE ME TOO OH MY GOD having tech theatre nightmares are so real because i literally had a nightmare before like during high school where i totally messed up my cues and just started free balling the motherboard and it was a MESS!! it was definitely pre show anxiety since this was like the night before the show or like close to the show (i’m not too sure i don’t remember it was a WHILE AGO) but omg i’m so proud of your kids like THEY DID IT WITH YOUR GUIDANCE <333333333 UR ALREADY DOING SO WELL AS STAGE MANAGER!!!

OMG US COPARENTING YOUR THEATRE CHILD <3333333333 me mango anon being not a step father but a father that STEPPED UP!! us literally being the cast of some tech theatre sitcom LOL WE WOULD TOTALLY BE LIKE HIGHSCHOOL MUSICAL!! and i totally get going back like i would probably go back too (i think i said this already) but the drama i live for!! like i love just sitting back and observing it all like it’ll literally be like keeping up with the kardashians(i’ve never watched that before)(or any reality tv show to be honest)

AND YES BEHIND THE SCREEN IM LITERALLY SUNA RINTAROU!!! NESS UR SO CUTE LIKE THE CUTEST I LOVE YOU SO MUCH LIKE i will be your suna rintarou <3333333333333333333 we are meant to be like i was meant to live during this era in this lifetime in this universe because i can’t imagine me without you now like you’re part of my life forever and always now <3333333 i can’t imagine myself without you and ill literally do anything for you

I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE ILL LITERALLY CURSE WORK FOR TAKING UP MY TIME AWAY FROM YOU <////////3 i’ll be your suna forever, whatever you want ness ill do it for you <333333333 literally the love of my life is you like YOU ARE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!! don’t overwork yourself pretty i will pay for your ticket <333333333333333333333 i literally love love love you I CANT WAIT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR DAY AND WHAT YOUVE HAD TO EAT !! you mentioned cooking on monday so lmk how that goes!! make sure to eat and take care of yourself I LOVE YOU TONS HAVE A GOOD MORNING EVENING OR NIGHT!! xoxoxoxo

MANGO ANON I LOVE YOU SO MUCH <3 HELLO I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!!!! AND UNFORTUNATELY THE LAST TIME I ATE WAS AT LIKE 7 AM (it's 5 pm 💀) I'M SORRY FOR GIVE ME I DID MY CLEANING RAMPAGE AND LOST TRACK OF TIME BUT DW I'M DRINKING MY SILLY LITTLE ICED TEA LEMONADE DRINK AND I BROUGHT ALMOND BUTTER TOAST WITH MYSELF TO THE LIBRARY!!! SO I WILL EAT THAT NOW DO NOT WORRY!! THANK YOU SO MUCH AND MAKE SURE YOU EAT AS WELL!!! (and this is so funny bc i was about be like!! AND U SHOULD TELL ME WHAT U EAT!! BC I FEEL LIKE U HAVEN'T TOLD ME IN A BIT!! and then you said instant pho SO WE WERE ALREADY ON THE SAME WAVE LENGTH and omg pho is so good!! lowkey may have to go out to get pho soon bc that sounds so good now </33 AND YOUR MOM IS MAKING PHO???? THAT'S SO COOL I HOPE IT TURNS OUT GOOD!!! and dw everytime i accidentally fall asleep i'm always hitting a key so i'll wake up and it's just a bunch of j's 😭😭😭

AND AA I'M SO GLAD YOUR DAY AT WORK WAS GOOD!! I THINK MINE WAS TOO,, LIKE IT WAS A LITTLE BUSY (and basically at my job like i have to do the production [actually framing things] AND take orders whenever people come in wanting to frame something but I SUCK and HATE TAKING ORDERS) and people kept coming in wanting to frame things but like i'm usually a closer and never have to deal with people wanting to make an order so after the second order i was DONE i was like "please no one else come in i cannot look at this tape measure and figure out which 16th of an inch ur child's first grade art falls on again" so like?? the WORK wasn't good but it definitely went by quickly!! and we close earlier on sundays too SO IT WAS SUPER FAST!! AND I TOTALLY GET THE AUTOPILOT AND DOING THINGS FAST TOO I REMEMBER I WAS DOING A FRAME ONCE AND WAS SO FOCUSED I DIDN'T SEE A CUSTOMER WAITING FOR ME and this is like a middle aged man but he was literally like "oh dw!! i didn't say anything bc i didn't want to bother you when you were LOCKED IN" and i was like "did u just say locked in to me??? who r u???" LMAO idk that was the only thought going thru my head during that interaction i was NOT expecting that BUT I'M GLAD YOUR DAY WAS GOOD AND THAT YOU HAD A GOOD MANAGER ON DUTY AND EVERYTHING!!!

(i just full on dropped my toast container and hit the table in this silent library btw. not a w moment for ness.) ANYWAY DEF KEEP ME UPDATED ON IF YOU QUIT OR STAY!! IK THERE'S LIKE PROS AND CONS TO BOTH SIDES AND IT'S A DIFFICULT CHOICE AND I WILL SUPPORT YOU EITHER WAY!! <33

AND YOUR STORE MANAGER'S GOODBYE MESSAGE 😭😭😭 "i'm sure you've heard the news by now" WHEN NO ONE KNEW IS SO FUNNY AND THE WAY IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARDS SHE WAS LIKE "i'm sorry i didn't have the chance to say goodbye to most of you" i just KNOW that woman left asap like she was running out of that store LMAO 😭

AND YEAH LIKE MY SISTER'S BF IS SUPER SWEET I'M GLAD THEY'RE BACK TOGETHER AND EVERYTHING <3 BUT I WAS DEF SHOCKED WHEN I SAW THAT TEXT IN MY NOTIFS OUT OF NOWHERE WITH LIKE NO OTHER CONTEXT OR MESSAGE 😭

YES COLD KISSES!!! COLD KISSES WAS SO FUN TO WRITE OMG <3 AND PLEASE i can't stop you...but like i would not reccomend reading binary stars....that was my first smau and it was NOT good (there's definitely like an oikawa curse that a few of us haikyuu smau writers have realized...like writing for oikawa as the love interest just NEVER GOES WELL idk what it is about him but 😔😔😔) so there WAS THAT on top of it being my first smau AND someone was like lowkey rb all those chapters and saying things yk like "they fr just need to confess omfg" and ik like!! it was probably lighthearted!! (maybe) but it was very pressuring so literally i cut that smau super short WHICH I'M GLAD I DID but like the entire experience of writing that smau was NOT good AND another bonus thing bc u know him now but like....that was heavily based off of my dynamic with regina george kin man (i love that we call them that) bc UNFORTUNATELY... I DID LIKE HIM FOR A BIT 😔 and we had a very strange dynamic until i finally opened my eyes and realized he was not a good person LMAO SO LIKE THAT'S WHY I NEVER TALK ABOUT BINARY STARS BC I'M NOT PROUD OF THAT SMAU BUT OFC I CAN'T STOP YOU!! 😭 AND I TOTALLY GET WHAT U MEAN MANGO ANON!! WE ARE ONE <33 AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!! I WILL TOTALLY BEAT UP UR MANAGER OR JUST START SPAMMING HIM WITH SMAU LINKS BC HE NEEDS A CHANGE OF HEART!!!

AND YEAH ALL OF MY MANAGERS ARE LIKE SUPER SPECIAL 😭😭 IDK MY WORK LOWKEY IS SO SKETCHY AND BAD YESTERDAY ALL OF MY COWORKERS AND ME WERE SITTING IN THE BREAK ROOM WAITING FOR OUR MANAGER TO GET THERE SO WE COULD CLOCK OUT AND WE ENDED UP JUST COMPLAINING AND VENTING ABOUT OUR WORKPLACE (i could not tell u how terrified i was talking in there i was like "???????? what if they have secret cameras in here!! what if we all get fired after this!!" and then we were just talking bc like one of my coworkers has been there for seven years and was telling us about how like she started out at like $18 or something and then over the years it's gone BACK DOWN TO MINIMUM WAGE despite all of her credentials and like time with the company which is CRAZY and then she was talking to me and she was like "and ur a framer. so ur getting paid more than minimum wage, right?" (and my other coworker agreed with that statement) but then i was like ".....no....they're paying me minimum wage....and also never put me in the system as a framer....and also made me start framing when i was still 17.....so...." IT'S PRETTY SKETCHY IDK 😭 AND LIKE I THINK EVERYONE ELSE WORKS TOGETHER?? IT'S JUST BC THE FRAMING DEPARTMENT IS COMPLETELY SEPERATE FROM EVERYTHING ELSE WE HAVE DIFFERENT DUTIES IG BUT YES THANK YOU FOR SUPPORTING ME ABOUT SWEEPING THE FLOORS!! I LITERALLY HATE IT BUT NOW HAVE SO MUCH RESPECT FOR THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO DO IT EVERY NIGHT </33

AND UR SO RIGHT!!! WE ARE LITERALLY TOO POWERFUL OF A DUO LIKE LITERALLY CAN YOU IMAGINE IF WE HAD DONE TECH TOGETHER?? WE'D LITERALLY BE BREAKING LIKE WORLD RECORDS FOR HAVING THE FIRST FUNCTIONING THEATRE DEPARTMENT (BC WE'RE SUCH A COOL DUO AND KNOW HOW TO DO EVERYTHING LIKE IF WE WERE TOGETHER EVERYTHING WOULD'VE BEEN FINE YK </33 NOT AS MUCH TRAUMA MAYBE!!) AND BEING THE COOLEST DUO EVER!! but god said no why would i do that </3 BUT PLEASE YEAH WHEN I CAME BACK TO WORK AT THIS RESTAURAUNT AS A HOSTESS LIKE THEY WANTED ME TO WORK FRIDAYS AND SATURDAYS BUT IF I WORKED FRIDAYS I'D BE WORKING WITH THE MANAGER THAT MADE ME CRY SO I WAS LIKE "ummm no thanks!! i'll just stick with saturdays <3" (ALSO an entirely other thing let me rant about this lady OMG FIRST OF ALL no offense everyone is beautiful BUT SHE LITERALLY GOT LIKE EYE LINER TATTOOS SO SHE NEVER HAS TO DO HER EYELINER BUT FIRST OF ALL IT JUST MAKES HER LOOK SCARY BC LIKE IT'S NOT CUTESY OO LOOK AT THIS WING OR ANYTHING IT'S JUST FULL ON LIKE ALMOST EMO EYELINER YK AND ALSO??? YOU GOT A NEEDLE THAT CLOSE TO YOUR EYE???? NO THANK YOU OMG. OKAY SECOND THING I'M SURE A LOT OF RESTAURANTS LIKE OLIVE GARDEN USUALLY DO LIKE SECTIONS FOR THEIR SERVERS YK?? BUT AT MY RESTAURAUNT I STARTED OUT DOING ROTATIONS [i feel like i've explained this to u before i'm sorry] AND IT'S NOT REALLY IMPORTANT JUST KNOW THEY'RE DIFFERENT AND MY SERVERS LIKE ROTATIONS MORE AND SO DO I BUT THIS MANAGER WOULD ALWAYS FORCE ME TO DO SECTIONS WHEN I WORKED WITH HER [and spoke in a way that was always objectifyig and dehumanizing the servers which i HATED. she'd be like "well if we do sections then they have no choice but to make sure their tables are clean so that they can be sat again. if they don't have any more tables in their section, that's their fault. skip them." BUT LIKE??? I'M THERE TO HELP THEM CLEAN THEIR TABLES THEY'RE ALREADY DEALING WITH SO MUCH AND??? THEY DON'T CONTROL WHEN TABLES LEAVES LIKE U CAN'T BLAME THEM IF A TABLE STAYS FOR HOURS. AND LASTLY bc i work there with my mom!! this manager was always scared i was like biased towards her and would constantly PURPOSELY give her bad tables or one time she had a regular come in but like three other of my mother's regulars came in so my manager was literally like "no. you can't have her [my mom] be your server. why don't you try having another server for once?" SO LIKE I HATE HER SM okay sorry i'm done!!!)

AND AAA MANGO ANON I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!! YES I SAVE ALL MY DAYS AND DRAMAS FOR YOU BECAUSE I LOVE TLAKING TO *YOU*!!!!!!! YOU ARE SO SO SWEET I AM GIVING U A KISS BACK <3333 YOU ARE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!!!

BUT OMG THE STUPID 50 CENT BAG THING 😭😭😭 I'M SO GLAD SOMEONE GETS THAT BC I DON'T THINK EVERY PLACE DOES THAT BUT I'M ALWAYS FIGHTING WITH THAT TOO AND IDK IF I'VE EVER SHARED THIS STORY ON HERE BEFORE BUT WHEN THEY FIRST STARTED ENFORCING THAT AND MY SISTER'S BF DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS SO MAD HE LITERALLY JUST TOOK A SUPERMARKET BASKET he was like "ur making me pay 50 cents for a plastic bag?? THEN I'M TAKING UR BASKET TAKE THAT" BUT AS U SHOULD!! LOSING YOUR CUSTOMER VOICE!! LIKE IF THEY DON'T RESPECT YOU THEN YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO RESPECT THEM!! did that guy think you were going to give you the bag for free?? like, "oh i'm so sorry you are so right mr. karen. it is so stupid that u have to pay 50 cents for this bag idek why we started doing that!! here just the take the bag!!" LIKE BRO WHAT WERE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT IT AND IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'RE THE ONLY STORE THAT DOES THAT 😭😭😭

AND YES IDK WHY ALMOND BUTTER IS SO EXPENSIVE!!! DEFINITELY DON'T PAY THAT MUCH FOR SHIPPING OR EVEN JUST THE JAR 😭😭 DW!! I WILL SHIP YOU ALMOND BUTTER FROM MY STATE!!! YOU CAN HAVE IT FOR FREE AND MAYBE I'LL JUST LIKE SHIP MYSELF WITH THE ALMOND BUTTER AND THEN ALL OF OUR PROBLEMS WILL BE SOLVED!!!

and omg FAIRY TAIL WAS MY LIFE AS A KID i will not ever be reverting to that era of my life!!! but DW AT ALL LIKE THE WAY I HAVE RESTARTED THIS BLOG THREE SEPERATE TIMES DON'T EVEN WORRY BUT YOUR BURNER ACCOUNT IS SO SO CUTE <33 AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE BDAY THING AT ALL!! LIKE I DIDN'T HAVE TO SAY ALL THAT AND I FELT SO BAD TOO BUT LIKE I THINK I MAKE IT MORE DRAMATIC THAN IT REALLY WAS LIKE I WAS MAKING A BIG DEAL ABOUT IT BUT YOU WERE SUPER CHILL ABOUT IT AND I APPRECIATE IT SM!!! BUT I ABOSLUTELY LOVE YOUR BURNER ACCOUNT TOO AND WILL VERY FREQUENTLY BE SENDING YOU "missing u hours </3 dms!!!" ily mango anon!! i'm giving u another big fat kiss rn mwah <3

YES THE STARS SAY SO!!!!!! WE ARE LITERALLY MEANT TO BE (and bc i'm writing this while we're also dming) LITERALLY WE JUST NEED TO MOVE IN TOGETHER!! LIKE MANGO ANON AND NESS MEET UP NOW!! WE WERE ALWAYS MEANT TO BE </33 AND DON'T BE SORRY ABOUT IT AT ALL!! AGAIN IK I DIDN'T LIKE I HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING OR SAY ALL THAT BUT I JUST WANTED TO LIKE BE AS HONEST AS POSSIBLE AND I TOTALLY TRUST YOU AND DID NOT MIND TALKING ABOUT IT AT ALL!! THANK YOU FOR BEING SO UNDERSTANDING LIKE THAT'S ALL I COULD'VE ASKED FOR AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND NEVER FEEL PRESSURED TO TELL ME ANYTHING AT ALL AND YOU'RE ALSO MY NUMBER ONE PRIORITY!!! <33

I'M CRYING THAT YOU WERE THERE TO PROTECT ME FROM DAY ONE OMG 😭😭😭😭 I'M LITERALLY SO IN LOVE WITH YOU!!! THAT LITERALLY MADE ME START KICKING MY FEET WHEN YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT CHECKING MY BLOG TO MAKE SURE NO ONE WAS SENDING IN HATE PLEASE </33 I AM LITERALLY SO HONORED I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MANGO ANON!!! THANK YOU FOR ALWAYS BEING THERE TO SUPPORT ME <33

random intermission!! do not worry i have finished my toast after that embarrassing moment where i dropped it </3 and then some guy who was wearing WAY too much axe spray came up to me and was like "hey can i have this chair?" (the extra one on the other side of the table i'm at) and i was like "oh ofc!! 😃😃😃" AS YOU READ THIS TAKE THIS AS ANOTHER BREAK TO DRINK WATER!! AND I ALSO WILL THANK YOU LOVE <333

THANK YOU MANGO ANON!! PLEASE BE MY SOUND PERSON </3 AND YEAH THEY'RE BOTH A LITTLE CRAZY AND MEAN AND LIKE THEY ARE MISOGYNISTIC HET WHITE MEN SO I DON'T THINK I COULD EXPECT ANYTHING MORE FROM THEM (one of them's usually pretty nice <3 except that one time he made me cry) BUT IT DEFINITELY ISN'T LIKE AMAZING WORKING WITH THEM BUT I WILL GET THROUGH IT THANK YOU!! i will tell you all about it once my duties start up!! (the day is slowly approaching and i am NOT ready at ALL)

LMAOO I LAUGHED SO HARD ABOUT YOUR NIGHTMARE WHERE YOU STARTED FREE BALLING THE MOTHERBOARD 😭😭 it's not funny i totally get it (i am once again trying to hold myself back from always talking in caps SORRY) and i've had SO many of those nightmares too (i'll tell u about them sometime LMAO) but like bc i've literally done that in person before and had nightmares like that i laughed 😭😭😭 AND I TOTALLY GET IT like when i was actually in high school?? yeah there was one kid i loved she was super sweet!! but she was an actor and i didn't really interact with them much and everyone else was SO annoying LIKE I GET U so i also didn't really adopt anyone!! BUT YES NOW I HAVE KIDS AND I'M SO PROUD OF THEM <33 I'M VISITING AGAIN TOMORROW BC I WANT TO SEE MY CHILD LMAO 😭

YOU'RE THE FATHER THAT STEPPED UP LMAO YES FR!!!! JUST ANOTHER WAY WE ARE THE MOST ICONIC DUO!! LOOK AT US COPARENTING TOO OMG <3 AND YES YOU ARE MY IRL SUNA RINTAROU!! I'M ALSO SO SO SO SO GLAD YOU'RE IN MY LIFE I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'D BE DOING RN WITHOUT YOU I'M SO SO HAPPY TO KNOW YOU AND TALK TO YOU ALWAYS!!! <33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333

YOU ARE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!! PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AS WELL AND DON'T OVER WORK YOURSELF!!! AND IF YOU WANT DEFINITELY PLS LET ME KNOW HOW YOUR OUTING WITH YOUR COWORKERS WENT NEXT TIME!!! let me rq drop my skater boy and purple heart boy lore AND THEN I'LL BE DONE!!

okay SKATER BOY so sophomore year he was in a tech class with me and actually the year before i had had a class with him but we never talked but i thought he was kind of good looking (BROTHER EUGHHHHH I'M SORRY I REGRET ALL MY CHOICES AND THE FACT THAT I HAVE TO SAY THAT BC I DO NOT KNOW WHAT WAS GOING THRU MY HEAD AT THAT TIME) but ANYWAY the short and long of it is i left school for a month during that year for mental health reasons but he was like worried about me!! so we kept in contact and when i came back to school he stuck close to like make sure i was doing good!! and i was still in a bad place and making bad decisions!! like i think one time i walked with him to his house without telling anyone (bc i was mad at the world LMAO) and that was just the worst night of my life like we didn't do anything yk LMAO 😭 but OKAY NVM UGH I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT SORRY MAYBE IN DMS IF YOU'RE CURIOUS I'LL TELL YOU BUT ANYWAY LIKE BAD MEMORIES BAD TIME FOR ME and he was a skater boy!! and a crazy man who did drugs and then when we were getting close he was like "i've stopped doing drugs for you!!" and then like right before winter break started ghosting me and started doing drugs again so then i was like "okay ig you don't like me so i'm dipping!!" (sorry we're all over the place rn but bacially so like before winter break yk we're all close and cutesy and everyone was like "OH HE DEF LIKES YOU" but then he ghosted me so...) AND ANYWAY so second semester rolls around we're back from winter break we're not talking BUT HE'S IN MY TECH CLASS AGAIN 🙄🙄 but i was one of those kids that got adopted by like all the seniors and so within that tech class we usually make like construction groups yk and so i wasn't in his group BC I WANTED TO STAY FAR FROM HIM AND I WAS WITH MY BESTIES INSTEAD!! (best tech group of my life i tell u mango anon. the only thing that could've beat them would've been working with u <3) BUT ANYWAY so one day he like randomly started talking to me again or would purposely say hi to me so i'd say hi whtvr back or something BC I NO LONGER CARE and then i think he texts me an apology for how he acted and wanted to know if we could be friends again and i think i was still in a bad place so i was suddenly like "allow me to put on my rose tinted glasses so i can block out the red flags bae let's do this" BUT NOT REALLY (sorry i don't remember my thoughts back then anymore) BUT ALL I KNOW (i think i said yes bc i felt bad? or was like "yeah we can be FRIENDS again but that's all) OKAY ALL I REMEMBER IS THEN ONE DAY HE TEXTS ME AND HERE'S THE BREAKDOWN

skater boy: i like you

me (unsure of what to freaking do so i decide to take the let's be a stupid and oblivious y/n route!!): i like you too!

(which i mean as "i like you as a friend"

skater boy: oh thank god i've been so scared to tell you

me: oh

I LITERALLY SAID OH. I SAID OH MANGO ANON BC I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY AND HE DIDN'T GET THE HINT. HE KEPT YAPPING ABOUT HOW HE DITCHED ME DURING WINTER BREAK BC HE LIKED ME BACK THEN BUT DIDN'T WANT TO SAY ANYTHING (WHICH ALL MY FRIENDS SAID SOUNDED LIKE BS BC WHY WOULD YOU STOP TALKING TO SOMEONE YOU LIKE AND WAIT MONTHS TO TALK TO THEM AGAIN BUT WHATEVER) so like nothing happened from there LMAO we never talked about it again he left me a bag with fake flowers and rings from florida on my doorstep during the summer (very weird and made me uncomfortable. i had no idea what to say) and i had a friend tell me to "✨ take a chance at love ✨" BUT LIKE THAT WAS NOT LOVE BRO THAT WAS TOXICITY AT ITS FINEST AND SO ANYWAY THE REASON I AM TELLING YOU ALL THIS BESIDES BC IT'S FUN DRAMA AND I LOVE TELLING YOU EVERYTHING IS IT'S ALSO A GIANT REASON WHY I WILL NEVER WRITE SUNA AS A SKATER BOY OR ANYTHING HAVING TO DO WITH DRUGS (and mainly why i don't write about drugs anyway bc THAT MAN TRAUMATIZED ME OMG) bc it will always remind me of skater boy™ 😭😭😭😭

OKAY PURPLE HEART MAN!! JUST A SILLY THEATRE STORY I THOUGHT OF WHILE DOING LAUNDRY YESTERDAY AND I WANTED TO TELL YOU LMAO but anyway so i think this was actually also my sophomore year how silly!!!!! that was such a wild year for everyone ig but ANYWAY so my theatre was doing this one play and it was like a farce and a fixed set and only like six actors but anyway OUR MAIN LEAD WAS JUST LIKE BEING HEXED OR SOMETHING so man literally got a concussion bc there was this one bit where he dove into the audience and had to be carried off by a stretcher by techies as a bit but one night at rehearsal one of the techies tripped over a rock so he fell and bonked his head (WHICH ALSO RANDOMLY REMINDS YOU ALSO DURING THIS SHOW WE LITERALLY HAD A TOXIC FREON LEAK IN THE BOY'S DRESSING ROOM AND SOMEONE WENT MOMENTARILY BLIND) AND he like twisted his ankle i think!! another time he dove off the stage?? and then another actor accidentally stomped on his toe and that got injured too LMAO SO HE WAS REALLY GOING THROUGH IT AND ALMOST DIDN'T MAKE IT TO THE LAST SHOW BC HE WAS IN SUCH BAD CONDITION (if i remember correctly on like our second show day immediately after the show he went to the er??? and also when we were striking the set and tearing down posters one of them tore in a way that like yk some of the paper was left on the wall and it LITERALLY SPELLED OUT 'DIE' IDK WHY THIS SHOW WAS SO CURSED) and so at the end of the play he was awarded a purple heart as a joke bc that's what they give people who serve in the army yk 😭😭 if they were injured during their service

SORRY THAT'S ALL AND SORRY FOR THE LONG YAP!!! I HOPE THIS MAKES YOU LAUGH A LITTLE BIT THOUGH AND THAT YOU ARE DOING WELL!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MANGO ANON!! TELL ME ABOUT YOUR DAY AND YOUR OUTING WITH YOUR COWORKERS AND WHAT YOU ATE AND MAKE SURE TO EAT AND DRINK ENOUGH WATER I LOVE YOU SM!!! <33

[jeanmoreaux]

atlas complex anon logging on for the last time

i finished it like two days ago and i have been trying to process it and i truly just….don’t know what to do with it 😵‍💫

the other death was SO PAINFUL ACTUALLY and i am choosing to believe it didn’t happen (bc objectively it didn’t! if you think about it!!! *eye twitch*) — bc why would you write such a lovely passage A LOVE CONFESSION IF YOU WILL and then fucking MURDER HIM…AND THEN YOU DONT EVEN TELL US PLAINLY WHAT HAPPENED (again, i choose to believe he lives on, mr security camera man)

tbh both of those deaths confessed their love and then she was like “that’s nice please drop dead xoxo”

(me trying to be vague about spoilers but also who fuckin cares nobody is reading this book)

anyway here’s the deal. i think it was all bad writing but i got so lost in the sauce in the last 15% that i could convince myself that i Appreciate the Ending?? like sorry i just am stuck on IN EVERY CULTURE THERE IS BREAD…but also what the hell even happened in this book and why was it even more convoluted than it needed to be

need olivie blake to pay for my therapy

so excited to hear from you!!! yeah, that second death. OOF. literally hated it. and right after that wendy cope esque love confession SOBBING FR. he has been my bestie from day one and he will remain so forever. i love him!! and it wasn’t that his death didn’t hit me, but it hit me because i Did Not Want Him To Die and not because the death was written well and executed well narratively speaking. ngl i read it and was like. this is so stupid. why like this?? after all the build up why at all but WHY LIKE THIS. also yeah the crumbs with the scenarios and security camera make for a range of possibilities of what *actually* happened but i have to say it felt a little cheap to me. like blake could not decide one way or the other and instead just kept all the options open which felt very unsatisfying to me. the entire thing is similar to what blake did with gideon’s last pov chapter (and both together exemplify my issue with the ending): keeping options open and lines blurry so that you can headcanon you own way out of the mess she made. which is not the great move she might think it is because instead of writing a scenes where she can actually evokes emotions because she commits to a thing completely and unequivocally it’s all so vague that the reader is never made to fully grapple with one outcome or the other. you’re left in limbo and that’s why you feel so disconnected from everything happening (at least that’s how it was for me). i love open endings but what she did wasn’t an open ending (given that it’s the last 30% of the book lmao) but a lack of narrative commitment.

i am so glad you appreciate the ending!! wish that were me!!!! i would so love to mske my peace with it but i Can’t. these characters deserve better. i read the last two chapters and just thought ‘that was it? wow. i feel absolutely nothing. what a shame.’ tho i agree the bread line being a banger. it is Very good. and that’s the thing there are some good parts and lovely sentences and sentiments (the love confession you mentioned might be one of my favourite passages of the entire series!!) but as a whole tac simply did not deliver in a way that makes the last chapter or the ending in general hit for me. idk it’s nicely written but the emotional impact is minimal because the narration did nothing to build up to it in a meaningful and nuanced way???? like i get it and i understand it and i like it out of context but it has no impact IN context because the story preceding it doesn’t warrant it. or maybe i am just too bitter to see it lol. veryyy real possibility.

also you are so right what even happened in this book??? sooooo convoluted. instead of paying for my therapy i want blake to rewrite the book istg like pls i am begging on my knees.

((also this answer is veryyyy vaguely worded too. but i am sure you Get It.))

[memorantia]

Yeah 😂👌💯

I dont know why im posting this here for God's sake I know this won't help, if anything it'll make things worse, but I have no sense of self. I hate myself, I constantly screw myself, I'm never going to know what love is like because I cant figure out how to be a fucking person. I have people in my life who care about me, but (pretty much) none of them can love me because I'm rotten hatefilled person who after being released from their own delusions of adequacy (the brief window of time where I display the few decent traits burried somewhere deep deep down) spirals into horseshit that most people just don't seem to display. I dont know whats wrong with me, I want to die but I'm too selfish to. I want so desperately to cling to life, to prove everyone looking at me and thinking about how worthless I am wrong, but I can't accept that no one cares. That this, like every other tear stained note whining about how I'm just ooooohhhh sooooo saddddd and missunderstoooood is just a plea for sanity falling on deaf ears. My own stupid fucking deaf ears. I can't escape my own horrific judgmental thoughts, I cant make a single decision without scrutinizing it endlessly. For instance, I'm doing that as I write this! I'm thinking about everyone who will see this, skim through it and think "oh that sucks get well soon", "god I dont have time for this", "who even is this", etc. And I'm thinking about the countless people who will never see this, who never think about me, who will never know I even exist. I want so badly to be more than a waste of space. Even most of my friends can barely put a finger on what is good about me. THATS BECAUSE THERES NOTHING TO PUT A FUCKING FINGER ON. Every decision I make is motivated by an invisible audience, unless you know me really fucking well, then you do get to see some honest choices of mine because I somehow have faith in myself with you. Hi, B, J, A. I love you all and I'm sorry if you see this neurotic escaped diary entry. Anyway, I have no good traits because I spend more time fantasizing about a world where I'm worth living than actually working on giving people a reason to care about me. Or accepting that people wont care about me even if I do all that, and that I need to care about myself so I have peace in just existing. But I dont even know what that's like. I can't picture just being, acting without performing. I don't want to be a character anymore, I'm so sick of the loneliness of disconnection and dishonesty. I just want to know what love and stability is like. I'm stuck in this stupid fucking chicken egg situation. Because I had a fucked up relationship with love from day one, I can't find myself worthy of love. Because I can't find myself worthy of love, I perpetuate that relationship. I just want to appreciate myself, and have that be enough. But because my own judgement is useless, even if I loved myself it wouldn't matter. But if I loved myself, wouldn't that judgement then have worth? I dont know and i cant picture a future where i do. It's easier to picture myself dead with a needle in my arm in the next four years than it is to picture myself content, moving on with life. And maybe that's how it's really meant to be. Maybe my efforts are in vain not because of self sabotage, but because God made me in a fit of creative silliness as a human embodiment of futility. Maybe I'm just an unknown cautionary tale to scare people with functioning brains out of destroying themselves. Or maybe I thought all that up because it's more entertaining than the truth of the matter. Who knows? Who cares? I sure as hell fucking do. Why else would i be posting this?

[frecklef0x]

Mass Effect 1: Playthrough Masterpost

At last, I have finished Mass Effect 1!

I have heard some mutuals say they wish they could play it again for the first time, and you kind of can--through me! I’ve been posting little “episodes” of live-tweet-stream-of-consciousness as I play, and now I’ve compiled them into one post to make my life easier.

Anyway, here’s the first one, the rest are under the cut. :)

frecklef0x plays mass effect: (ME1) episode one

My ass looks great in this uniform, first of all

Impaled robo zombies, yikes

Cheap shot, Saren, smh. How will I pass my spectre test now?!

Why does he have robot eyes? Is he like, Geth-Turian? Why? Is he a robo zombie also? Was it the beacon???

Cool beacon nightmares, I'm sure this is fine

This Kaiden guy has implants? ORTEGA?!??!?

"Call me princess again and you'll be picking your teeth up off the floor" lol obliterated

The citadel elevators are very realistic, five minutes of tense silence huh

Ya girl got a PROMOTION and a DOPE SQUAD time to catch a TRAITOR

frecklef0x plays mass effect: (ME1) episode two

First things first, gotta go find the blue scientist to join the gang

This galaxy is HUGE! How many of these places will I actually be able to go?!

Only two friends at a time????? D:

Ah, a distress signal, let's see wha--A DESERT CENTIPEDE NOPE ABORT ABORT

Robo aliens? In MY Theronian mining facility? Its more likely than you think

Running over dudes in my Mako is extremely satisfying tbh

*runs over geth troopers* *runs over geth armature* *runs over geth colossus* ... *backs over geth colossus*

Working elevators in the ancient ruins ✔

Oooooooh man hope this nerd is gay

Wrex, a friend of yours? Nope, not a friend, too murdery

"ShAaaAame about the ruins Shep, sOooOo much collatoral damage, SHEP" stfu Council, "ruthless" was in the resume when you promoted us, 10/10 would shoot lasers through archeological digs again

When Kaiden calls us "ma'am" I am, uh, into it

frecklef0x plays mass effect: (ME1) episode three

Time to talk to the gang! Gotta meet the fam proper

Oh dear seems we got a shmee of racism on board, compatriots

Wow Raina, good foot-in-mouth moment with Wrex there huh...sorry about the eventual extinction of your race, lost this round of Pain Olympics

OH SHIT OH SHIT BLUE HOTTIE BIGENDER? THIS IS NOT A DRILL???

“hi I’m Kaiden wanna hear about my last crush ;)” “hi I’m Liara wanna hear about Asari mating rituals? ;)))” damn we really slidin right into the DMs no chill

Garrus: fuck rules and red tape amiright Raina: oh u right ;)

Guess I’ll actually do a mission now LETS GO LESBIANS LETS GO

Honestly rolling out with Tali and Liara is a mood, squad goals

Raina @ every corporation on Noveria: I would sell you to satan for one(1) corn chip

This reactivation puzzle is some shit

I see some Mistakes were made

We already killing moms at this stage damn BioWare

FUCK FUCK BENEZIA KILLED ME AND I LOST A FUCKTON OF PLAYTIME

THERES LIKE NO AUTOSAVE IN THIS BITCH FUUUUUUUUU

fuck fuck fuck god damn it gotta shoot a bunch of deranged baby bug people again god DAMN IT

Okay we killed Liara’s mom in front of her hope that’s fine

And we let mama bug go free because after talking to Wrex, Raina’s like “this galaxy is a little trigger happy with the genocide, good luck out there bug mama ❤️ be cool please”

I have literally watched the scientist in the hot labs get killed three times now

So far the debreifs with the council have not gone very well

“You let bug mama go?! How many generations until they take over everything???” “My money’s on two :D Place your bets now assholes or stfu :DDD”

Asked Liara if she was okay and she seems pretty Cool With It

I hope to one day return to Noveria and Death Star it into oblivion

frecklef0x plays mass effect: (ME1) episode four

Talked with Tali and this situation with the Geth and the Quarians is giving me an existential crisis

You “inspect” my beautiful ship? You got somethin’ to say about my crew??? Talk shit get hit, bitch I will kill you

Yoooo my old earth gang, yeah what the hell, I’ll help ou—oh nope nvm he’s a xenophobe, you hang him and I’ll shoot his friend in the face, thx for your time

Went to the citadel to finish some assignments, left tasked with twice as many

“dOn’T cUt CoRneRs” fear not dear Kaiden, I have a permit: this piece of paper that says I do what I want

Still with the elevators, I really cannot with this

“You make it all sound so...dangerous...” ;) ;))))))

frecklef0x plays mass effect: (ME1) episode five

Headin’ to Virmire to rendezvous with the Salarian team

A cure for the genophase?!?!?! :D

Oh wait oh no are we for real gonna talk about destroying the cure like Wrex isn’t standing right here omg

SHIT GUYS NO NOT LIKE THIS WREX PLEASE

Phew for a conversation that basically started with guns drawn, it went pretty well... “What Saren has isn’t even a proper cure, he’s just fucking with the Krogans at this point. Are we gonna stand for that? Or are we gonna murder?” “Damn Shep, you right, we gon’ murder”

Okay Ashley, go join the aliens, try not to die

Shadow Team!🎵 tearing through the base 🎶 disabling all the     defenses 🎵 (you gotta sing it to the tune of the Trogdor song)

We free the prisoners!!! :)

We shoot the prisoners??? :(

“Raina? How can you shoot them where they stand?” So it’s more merciful to let them explode? NAH FAM

This scientist is responsible for the mind control stuff? For Benezia? Fine     I’ll let her go but I hope she explodes

We did not learn our lesson concerning beacons I see

Wait if even Saren is worried about his mind control ship does that mean there are larger forces involved here?

Oh. Oh fuck

Ugh Ashley I EXPLICITLY TOLD YOU NOT TO DIE

(so we really never found any info about that genophase cure huh? disappointing)

Oh Seren, you dumb dumb. You absolute fool. Clown man.

When Raina slings Kaiden over her shoulder to carry him to the ship—mmmmmmmmwoooow I am very bisexual

Bruh Raina takes every council call and she disconnects pissed off every time

WAIT I literally just hung up with the council, ASHLEY is DEAD, and Kaiden needs a DTR RIGHT NOW?!?!? Boy, NO, READ THE ROOM

This has been a stressful day

frecklef0x plays mass effect: (ME1) episode six

Shepard will avoid her feelings and go to Faros instead

Seeing Ashley’s figure greyed out and her locker inaccessible makes me sad

Wrex and Garrus, let’s go shoot some geth 💪 

A mind controlling planet—of course!

Shep gets all her renegade points shooting capitalists

Saved, uh, about half the colonists

If I have one more bad acid trip I stg

Oh nope here’s another one

Shep needs a nap

frecklef0x plays mass effect: (ME1) episode seven

Ah, the council. Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal.

At least Liara is good at pep talks ;)

Joker, you cockblock

Haha DUDE we airborne, you THOUGHT

Now that I am exiled from the Citadel, guess I’ll run some galactic errands:

o   Killed corporate scientists who though we would rescue them lol

o   Destroyed a bunch of geth camps helping Tali on her pilgrimage

o   Disabled a nuke and killed some pirates

o   Shut down some evil Cerberus experiments

o   And illegally traded information!

Okay time to get back on track

So we may or may not be flying to our doom

OH GOD LIARA LOVES ME!!! RAINA, YOU DISASTER, YOU DID IT AAAAAH ❤️❤️❤️

frecklef0x plays mass effect: (ME1) episode eight

You know what I love? Being murdered by geth armatures

All these Ilos ruins be looking the same

Security panel is only kinda helpful

Oh, luckily I know Prothean now!

“CANNOT BE STOPPED” wow very encouraging, thanks

After that super motivating message and disabling security, its time to go down, down to goblin town

Vigil? Oh word?

My girlfriend is GEEKING out

I knew something what wrong with that fucking Citadel

Vigil: information is power. Also Vigil: What does it matter why they do what they do? All that matters is you stop them

“non-essential” personnel die first, huh? GROSS, VIGIL (gotta be honest that hits different in 2020)

Garrus gets it, I knew we liked that guy

Okay, find conduit, save galaxy, break millennium-old genocide cyle, nbd

Ugh Mako you gotta do me dirty one last time I see, I hate this thing

THE CONDUIT STRAIGHT YEETED MAKO

The citadel robot says we’re doomed : )

This shootout is SO fun, seriously

Saren get it toGETHER

Renegade Raina can kill with a conversation apparently, well done then

Concentrate on the Sovereign—why am I gonna save a council that hates my guts, sorry, but I have a JOB to DO that you ACTIVELY HINDERED

Great, zombie husk Saren, just what I needed as I mull over the possible consequences of my galaxy-altering decision

GO JOKER GO

Humanity-only council seems…questionable. Raina didn’t love the council but this sits wrong. Couldn’t we just appoint a more diverse council, including a human?

Anderson seems like a good enough dude, so…we’ll see.

TIME FOR WAR BOYS, GODDAMN WHAT A GAME

[imagine-being-straight]

What a Simp

Summary:  Three times Willow's chat tries to convince Willow to make an Amity simp emote and the one time she gives in. Based off of @pastatiger Minecraft AU. Go check it out cause it’s amazing.

AO3

(Part 1) (Part 2)

Word Count: 931

Trigger Warnings: None

It wasn’t unusual for Willow to stream late into the night, but for her to be streaming at 3 am was out of the norm. She had been finishing one of part of her most recent build and ran out of supplies midway through, so she decided it was a good idea to grab some more. That was at 12 am and here she was three hours later still emptying a desert.

Grinding for supplies was always a boring task, but it did give her a good excuse to talk with her chat. Her chat was always a joy to read no matter how rambunctious they got but at this hour the chances of them being chaotic this late was low. 

While mindlessly destroying sand she heard her donation alert go off as pussydestroyer420 donated 20 snails with her message being, “Go grief or prank someone else on the server.”

Willow sighed before reluctantly saying, “Thank you pussydestroyer420 for the 20 snails. And no I’m not gonna go grief or prank anyone. It’s not like anyone is on this late.” She then showed the player list to prove her point and to her surprise, Amity was online. 

Willow being the curious soul she was typed, “VC in general 1?” and patiently waited for Amity to join. While waiting for her to join her chat started guessing what Amity was doing for her to be awake at 3 am. Some theories ranged from completely reasonable, like XP grinding, to the more outlandish, she’s planning a revolution against everyone in the SMP.

“Hello,” Amity tiredly said. 

Willow hadn’t noticed her join and let out a yelp in surprise before responding, “Hey Amity. You scared the shit out of me.” 

“Oh sorry,” Amity not very apologetically replied. She sounded like she was half asleep, but also strangely determined?

“Sooooo, what are you doing up so late at night,” Willow curiously asked. She knew Amity was typically in bed before three since Amity is actually one of her more responsible friends.

“I’m just farming some sugar cane and leather,” Amity replied.

Willow narrowed her eyes as she thought over Amity’s answer. It’s completely possible she was telling the truth and just needed materials. On the other hand, it is also 3 am and knowing Amity she would’ve checked the time at least once and noticed how late it was. Maybe Amity was farming it for Luz. It would certainly explain why she was up so late. What a simp Amity was if that was the case.

Willow decided she should take the gamble and asked, “You’re farming the sugar cane and leather for Luz aren’t you?”

The silence from Amity spoke volumes. Willow lost her shit and started laughing like a madman much to Amity’s embarrassment. She laughed for five straight minutes before she finally could speak again without cracking up. While that happened her chat called Amity a simp and Amity silently contemplated her choice of friends.

Willow wiping away the tears in her eyes barely got out, “Oh god. I haven’t laughed that hard in ages. I can’t believe I guessed right.” 

“I hate you so goddamn much Willow. I hope you know that,” Amity embarrassedly responded, which sent Willow into another laughing fit, which took her another few minutes to recover from, much to Amity’s dismay.

“Love you too. I just can’t believe how much of a simp you’re for Luz,” Willow replied, her voice full of amusement and a hint of curiosity. 

Amity let out a resigned sigh before responding, “I’m not a simp for Luz Willow. Stop calling me that.”

Willow let a disbelieving hum at Amity’s answer, she knew Amity would do almost anything for Luz. She smirked before asking, “So how much sugar cane and leather do you have for Luz?” 

Amity went silent for a moment before quietly answering, “A double chest of sugar cane and a chest of leather.”

Willow launched herself into another laughing fit, this one lasting much longer than her previous two. She almost fell out of her chair because she was laughing that much. She could vaguely hear Amity talk about how much she hated Willow, but she didn’t care as all she could focus on was how much of a simp Amity was. 

As soon as Willow managed to compose herself she heard her donation alarm go off as pussydestroyer420 sent another donation of 20 snails with the message, “Make an Amity Simp emote you coward.”

This time Willow actually fell out of her chair because of how hard she was laughing. She felt a bit of pain from the fall, but she barely focused on it as all she could think about is an Amity simp emote. Just the thought of it sent her back into her laughing fit. Amity would’ve felt concerned over how much Willow laughing and how little oxygen she must be getting, but all she could think about are ways she can murder Willow. 

Willow finally recovered from her laughing fit, her sides hurting like hell, and as she recovered she heard Amity mumbling about plans to kill her. She smirked yet again and asked Amity, “Hey, so how do you feel about drawing an Amity simp emote for me?”

There was a minute of silence before what Willow said hit Amity. Willow watched as Amity abruptly disconnected from Minecraft and the VC, probably dying from embarrassment. She let out a little laugh, being careful not to aggravate her sides too much, as she thought about how much fun she’ll have about teasing Amity about this later.

AN: Of the four chapters I have planned, three of them are based off of true stories. They're all exaggerated at points, but I find it funny that they almost all have a story behind it. (And no I'm not simping for anyone. These are things my friend did. Also hi to anyone who recognizes these stories.)

[inkykeiji]

Clariii hiya I hope you are doing good 💕

I’m sorry I have taken a while to reply, been packing again to move into new student housing so busy stressful times sorting all that stuff out but I’m moving this week so not too much stress left <3

My tattoo actually didn’t hurt at all, I got my lil koi fish done on the side of my wrist like if you hold your arms out straight and then turn it to the side so your thumb is facing up its on that side if that makes any sense - ngl it was kinda relaxing, I told my tattoo artist that I could’ve fallen asleep

Also I saw your post about damiano and omg in so happy that you love them too - I thought you would like them and honestly the whole band are fashion icons and I am obsessed <3 because they won Eurovision they’ll do a Europe tour and I am hoping to get tickets whenever the dates are realised because I need to see them live

How are you doing? What have you been up to recently? I haven’t managed to make anymore progress on the film list you gave me so no film updates unfortunately - oh actually I went to see Candyman in the cinemas and it was not my favourite horror in the world, more gory than scary which I don’t mind but gore doesn’t bother me, I’m not very squeamish so if I see a horror movie I do want it to scare me and I can’t say that this one did so if you’ve seen it or were planning on it then that is just my thoughts <3

Anyways I’ll finish this lil ramble now, I’m glad to see you’re doing a bit better now but remember to stay hydrated and rest because being a bad bitch is hard work (I apologise if that was kinda cringe but I mean it with love) <3

I’ll love you and leave you now, hope you’re having a fantastic day and I’m sending you all the love and hugs in the world <333-🍯

hi honey bb!!!

no oh my gosh no need for apologies!!! that sounds really stressful but also really exciting!! i hope everything went smoothly <3

WAAAH THAT SOUNDS SO CUTE!!!!!!! omg no i totally get what you mean, i don't really mind the feeling but i'm also a huge masochist sooooo LMAO

YES YES YES OH MY GOSH I'M SO GLAD YOU SAW IT HAHAHA holy fuck yes i'm totally obsessed too honestly i think they're all v talented and i find them super inspiring???? both my boyfriend and i also feel this immense amount of pride for them, being italian ourselves you know? AAAAAH oh my gosh i hope you get tickets!!! we nearly bought tickets to their show in rome in 2022 since we plan to travel to italy in 2022 to explore potential places to live (but i really don't want to go in july lmao so :( we didn't purchase them).

i'm,,,,,,, ah. yeah. every day is different; some days are better than others. but i won't give up!!! i'm trying my very best to get better again, and i have a few appointments coming up etc.

in happier and more exciting news, i finally got my hair done!!! decided to dye it ash blonde (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ i really love it, i miiiiiiight post a photo for a split second to share it with everyone, waaah idk i'm rly shyyyy

other than that, i've been spending a lot of time with my family + my boyfriend. we've been going to the zoo a lot, and just this past weekend we went hiking right along the niagara whirlpools, so that was super fun and scary but rly pretty hehe <3 my boyfriend and i are also picking up learning italian again (LMAO) because the prospect of moving to italy seems to be becoming more and more of a reality with each passing day, so!! my mom's been speaking to me in italian at home, but she speaks a calabrian dialect and not standard italian, so there's a bit of a disconnect there hehehe <3 but it's still cool, she's so happy we're learning lmao

and then every day i write a bit of break my bones. i've been jumping between part four, part five, and the epilogue, but so far i'm really happy with what i've written, even if it's going suuuuper slowly (i only wrote like 800 words last night D: but it's better than nothing!)

i totally get u on the candyman issue; i wasn't planning on seeing it in theatres but i'm with you 100% on gore vs terror. like i LOVE gore but i don't find it scary. i haven't been to a theatre in so long and i miss it a lot but :( i'm still really selective on the public places i'll go to hahaha

ah thank you so much for this message, honeybun <333 i love you more than anything!!!!! i hope you're doing well, and that the beginning of school is being kind to you <3 HAHAHA pls ur so cute <33 i am trying my best to take care of myself, pinky promise!! hopefully i can return fully to my blog soon :(

[comebeonetwothree]

Blog #1: The Beginning

05/25/2021

Welcome to my, I have no clue what I’m doing so bare with me, travel blog!! For these next few weeks, I will be driving across the country and back, hitting around 19 states in 8-weeks. 

Post grad life is a strange in between stage of: YES I DID IT and oh fuck I think I’m supposed to be an adult now. That comes with the constant question circling like a gnat on a hot summer day... So what’s next? 

Honestly Grandma, Aunt Karen, Uncle John and Kyle’s mom’s lesbian partner, I have no fucking clue so please stop asking!!!! 

But my actions are an answer to that question. I chose to postpone that whole adult career thing for a little longer. So I’m traveling for two months and I will avoid that question “What’s Next?”

COVID-19 really messed up the picture perfect ending of college, nevertheless, I still managed to have a blast every night in a “socially distant” manner ;) 

Traveling has always been a dream of mine, and I always assumed it would be there when I was ready and I would be ready when it got here.  Sheeshhh was I wrong... who would have imagined a pandemic closing down not only our borders to other countries, but state borders as well. 

It’s now been over a year since I have left New York State, and quite frankly, I am ready to explore. So naturally I got home from college a week ago and now I am off...

 Who

Who cares... 

Three girls, one car... How bad could it be? No, really, if we come back with bruises and cuts all over, I didn’t “fall down the stairs” or “walk into a door”...it’s official, our cycles have linked and we have gone mad. 

The goal is to meet new people along the way, people that touch our lives and make this trip more spectacular. And maybe we will touch some lives as well.

I can only imagine that who we are now will change and evolve throughout our journey, having only started this trip with hopes and dreams. When reality sets in, things will change, and discoveries about ourselves will begin to happen. 

Self-discovery is such an important aspect of this trip for all three of us. Personally, by not having any clue what I want to do for the rest of my life, I  hope the open mindedness of my current state will help me find joy in the simple life and give me insight into my future. 

 What

Whatever man...

Eight weeks of sight seeing, connecting to ourselves and trying new hobbies.

I hate jumping the gun and announcing any new hobbies because, 10 out of 10 times, I do one for a week and give up on that bullshit.

And sorry in advance if this blog takes a back seat... My plan is to prioritize life's natural beauties and learning. 

I’ve always wanted to start writing but was never inspired, and fiction isn't up my ally... I have the imagination of a 12-year-old boy, so go about that as you please :)

While trying to disconnect myself to the social world as best as I can, this new digital age is not going anywhere and as a Communications major, I am not escaping its black hole effect anytime soon. 

Blogging makes this feel less Gen Z and more “intellectual” if you will. 

I hope to keep this blog updated once at the end of every week, including the stops made within the week and the Who, What, Where, When, Why, and How’s of that weeks adventures. With some room for special surprises:) 

Overtime this blog will hopefully shape into what it needs to be. I researched many ways to blog and nothing caught my attention, so why would it catch yours? Here I am trying out my own version of this, so feedback is greatly appreciated in finding new fun ways to keep y’all entertained!

 Where

Where are we...

Give or take, there will be 19 states we will stay in. Starting in New York, we will slowly move down south and wrap back around. I won’t be revealing the locations until the following week's blogs, or on my Instagram and Facebook. 

We have secured 75% of the locations we will be staying at, and the rest is a fuck it. Hopefully finding some first come first serve campgrounds, or we’ll just sleep in the car. 

When in these locations, we will either be camping or staying in motels/hotels in cities. Trying to do this the cheapest way we can think of, my glizzy art might just have to make a reappearance (If you don’t know what glizzy is, hop off this blog right now and go to Urban Dictionary. And if you are not familiar with my glizzy art, well you probably should have followed me on snapchat during the last month of college in a pandemic). 

When

When in Rome...

Tomorrow people, it’s happening...

 If you are reading this today, its tomorrow!!! If you are reading this tomorrow it’s today!!! And if you are reading this a week from today, go fuck yourself, now you have to catch up... don’t be late again mister!

Why

Why the fuck not...

There is some serious independence when it comes to taking off for two months in a car with friends. 

I still remember when my mom had to drive me to my friends houses, and would talk to their parents to make sure I was safe. 

Going away to college was a leap in the direction of being an independent young woman. But I also went to a small town college and had roommates, making it a great step to the adult world of being fully responsible for my own actions. 

Next level right now.  I will be living out of a car, buying my own food and supplies, and not having the security of my family being a simple three hour drive away... not that I ever took advantage of that (sorry mom). 

Why the blogging... 

Not knowing what I am good at is quite frustrating, four years of college later... so I am going to just try new things until I find my passion. And this blog is a great place to reflect.

Spending two months out of the job force is already a weird concept to me. I've had a job for the majority of college waitressing at a local joint (shout out to Sloan’s NY Grill!). I worked all throughout high school as well. 

Not having any job obligation now seems strange, so let's hope this becomes  self-discovery into multiple opportunities or it will be the most publicly awkward diary ever:/ 

 How

How did you make it this far...

This came about one night drunk at a bar... simply expressing how weird it is COVID can take almost everything away from us so quickly. 

Maya and Mary both have a direction in their life as to “What’s Next.” Both having spent their last semesters of college pursuing opportunities for their future, they have become idols to me. 

I was lucky enough to bring this idea up before they left me for their full adult lives... getting an opportunity to travel with my two best friends. 

Mary is pursuing a teaching degree and spent her last semester as a student teach back home. Maya spent the last few months doing an in-person internship in the city to further her connections in the fashion industry. 

They both have this responsible adult thing going on, and I’m over here saying some dumb shit like “Hey let's take two months off of life and travel!” Weirdly enough, alcohol might have had an influential factor here, but they said hell yessss!! 

The next morning, waking up with a classic hangover, we all texted each other and reiterated the idea of this whole cross country, two-month excursion. 

And now look where we are :) 

 Bottom Line

Sooooo, this is a temporary blog that may or may not last. Don’t get your hopes up too high! I want to share this experience with everyone who has supported us through this crazy idea, and give a shout out to everyone who has reached out and wished us the best!

I am fully winging this and hope it's not too illiterate for you smarty pants out there... I’m just trying to have fun with it. This is not meant to be a job, but a start to finding the answer to everyone's question...

What’s Next?

[mochismilesbrighterthansun]

11 and 24 with gguk please!

11. “ You know how to make me cum, so do it already”

24.  “I can make you cum harder than that.” “Try me.”

You sighed in frustration staring at the blank word document infront of you. This day couldn’t get worse, it started bad. You had overslept courtesy of your boyfriend Jungkook. He had disconnected your phone to charge his which resulted in your phone being dead.

Which had led to you being absent to class which led to you not even understanding to what you were supposed to write about. You didn’t have breakfast, didn’t even have time to get your coffee, your phone lay neglected by the kitchen counter currently getting charged.

It wasn’t until later that Jungkook showed up all sweaty that the anger fully settled in. He playfully kissed your neck but you pushed him away.

He frowned but didn’t say anything as he grabbed his towel and headed to the bathroom. That made you even more angry. You rose from your seat and stomped angrily towards the bathroom, you pushed the door open to see Jungkook already naked in the shower.

“Jungkook” you called out.

He wiped the water from his face and turned to you surprised.

“Yeah babe?” He pushed the curtain open. “Wanna join or what?”

“No Jungkook, aren’t you going to ask me what’s wrong?” You asked in a high tone.

“I figured you’d tell me when you were ready?” His face contorted in confusion.

“Jungkook you unplugged my phone AGAIN!”

“What? No I didn’t” he defended even more confused.

You rolled your eyes and left the bathroom. You heard him turning off the water in a rush and leaving the bathroom.

“Y/N, I didn’t unplug your phone I left early cause I had something to do but I didn’t even touch your phone.” His voice came out rushed.

“Then why was it dead this morning Jungkook? My alarm didn’t ring, and I overslept! I didn’t make it to class and now I’m supposed to write a paper on something that I don’t understand.”

“Babe, that wasn’t my fault. I’m sorry you missed class but it wasn’t because of me.”

You looked back at him to see him only wrapped in a towel. His chest gleaming with droplets of water and his dark hair dripping water. But his eyes were wide and sincere, you knew he was telling the truth he wouldn’t lie to you.

You sighed and turned back around giving him your back. “Then I don’t know what happened. I had such a bad day.” 

You felt Jungkook’s arms around you as he kissed your neck with small butterfly kisses. “Baby you were mean to me. Now you have to make it up to me.” he whispered against your neck not stopping his assault.

You groaned, “Now you are being mean.” 

He pulled on your body until he was sitting down on the edge of the bed looking up at you, you bent your neck until you were kissing him. It started slow, but it soon turned into something more. Feverish kisses, as he squeezed your hips.

“How are you … gonna make it up to  me?” he asked between kisses, never letting you move more than an inch. 

As soon as he said that you dropped to your knees. He caressed your face endearingly and watched you with dark lustful eyes as you reached for his towel. You pulled on it,  it didn’t take long for the towel to drop from his hips. 

His dick was already half hard and the tip was leaking precum. You grabbed it and he hissed at your touch. “Start already before I choke you with my cock.” his tone was desperate, his eyes dark with lust. 

You began teasing him then, giving his tip kittenish licks. He groaned but made no move to take control, which is what you so desperately wanted. He let out a growl as if he knew what you were up to and finally grabbed a fistful of your hair and pulled commanding your full attention.

“You know how to make me cum, so do it already.” His voice was commanding, his actions rough exactly how you like him to be. “Now open that pretty mouth.” He pulled your face towards his cock, it was always a challenge to have him fully in your mouth. But you were so horny by this point and all you wanted was to please him. He hissed when he felt your wet mouth wrap around his tip, you started going slow taking as much as you could. But that wasn’t good enough and Jungkook pushed you all the way down. “Fuck yes choke on that cock like a good slut.” He groaned.

You tried to set up a pace but failed, he liked things to be done exactly as he wanted, “I’m gonna fuck your mouth and you are gonna take it like a good slut.” He said before he started thrusting inside your mouth, you could feel him hitting the back of your throat and when it felt too much you almost gagged, tears sprung to your eyes but you loved the way he manhandled you.

“If you make me cum I’ll make you cum baby,” you looked up at his face and he smiled a devilish smile. He pulled you off his dick letting you catch your breath, you began coughing uncontrollably as he caressed your face lovingly. 

You looked up at him through your lashes before going back down on his length   he closed his eyes and sighed loudly looking up to the ceiling, the veins on his neck protruding. “Yeess” he groaned as you kept up the pace, but you knew he wouldn’t cum. Not until he had full control. You grabbed his hand and placed it on the top of your head, he looked down at you and smirked. He grabbed your hair a fistful of hair and began thrusting into your wet mouth “Fuck yes baby.” he moaned as he continued his brutal pace. You felt the warm liquid go passed your throat as he came down your throat, he left out an animalistic groan as he saw you swallowing the remainder. 

He was breathing hard as he looked down at you, “I can make you cum harder than that.” he smiled licking his lips. 

“Try me.” you dared. 

He pulled you on your feet and turned you guiding you to sit in between his legs. He sneaked a hand down your sweatpants and another up your shirt as he placed wet kisses on your neck. 

“I know how much you love my fingers baby.” he said against your neck, the vibrations of his words combined with his tongue against your neck pushed a moan out of you as you felt his fingers grace your clit. “But I know you love my dirty mouth even more, I remember how hard you came the other day just by me telling you everything I loved doing to you.” he began a slow torturous pace gracing your slit never fully pushing his fingers inside. 

“I love fucking you in my car.” he said inciting a moan out of you, “I love having you bounce on my cock not caring that someone could see you, because you just couldn’t wait to get home.”

“Jungkoook” you whined, “Please just..” you trailed off. 

“Just what baby?, you have to tell me,” he began to knead your breast eliciting another moan, “You have to ask me like a good slut.” 

“Please put them in.”

“What?” he asked feigning ignorance. 

“Your fingers put them in my pussy please.” you groaned at his pace. 

He laughed. “See baby all you had to do was ask.” He pushed three fingers inside of you and began fucking you with them, “You like that baby?, I love fucking you like this. You look so hot.” he continued his pace, not so fast and not so slow. “I like your cunt so much, I love how it squeezes me. And it’s soo wet.” His voice was driving you crazy.

“I need to cum. Please Jungkook let me cum please.” you begged. 

“Whose cunt is this?” he asked not stopping. 

“Yours Jungkook I am all yours please.” 

He smiled and with his other hand he began circling your clit. “Cum all over my hand like a good slut baby, come on baby you sucked my cock so well that’s where you belong on your knees for me all the time fuck that’s it squeeze my fingers.” you almost screamed as you felt your orgasm. 

Jungkook continued to fuck you with his fingers throughout your orgasm until you stopped shaking. He kissed your neck in small butterfly kisses until you calmed down and your breath evened out. 

“I think you came harder.” he said with a smile. 

You laughed against him and leaned your head against his shoulder looking up at him. 

“I think I want I rematch.” your voice came out slightly hoarse. 

“Any time babygirl.” was is reply. 

I am sooooo sorry this took soo long, I suck but hope you like it!

[alicemitch09writes]

i realised i havent talked abt the recent chapters (mostly the last two so if it’s not too much trouble, lemme just react to it right now since im just very 😐😒😕🥴⁉️🤡⁉️😬😬😬⁉️⁉️⁉️🤡🤡⁉️⁉️⁉️ at atsumu right now)

though i am greatly moved about tsumu’s (character) development and his prowl to make it up, i am just so,,,,,,,, SO irked about it (not you, though. never at you or the way you wrote it. this is purely my thoughts on like the story? the characters yknow.... they do make my emotions act up so)

perhaps it’s my personal feelings about him not even acknowledging his mistakes and already doing things to try and “make it up” to us. the thing i hate the most in this world is not knowing where i stood with people. there was just so many miscommunications and things left unsaid between tsumu and the reader. and despite osamu’s rant (SERIOUSLY can piss hair listen!! he’s NEVER SAID sorry, and THAT is where the problem LIES you big dummy!!!) like he’s really... doing the most for someone who’s emotionally scarred reader. like i don’t even hate him and i think it’s great that he’s at least trying but.. that complete 180 is bringing me to my knees in frustration, resentment, and anger. because what, what in the world can his actions do now for the reader except confuse the shit out of them? and please, more than anything, in this case, the reader does deserve an apology and various explanations for every shitty things he’s said and did.

i don’t care. it was mentioned in the story how he’s always done this type of “apology” and reader lets him but in this scenario, i really just cannot stand it. like, HUH? now?? it’s so emotionally draining to never know where you stood with people. it’s in reader’s reaction too every time piss hair opens his big ass mouth. every rooted insecurity and weariness came because of his stupidity. and suddenly it’s different now?? it makes me feel played, disregarded and humiliated to read it. it feels like my feelings do not matter to piss hair at all. i don’t even know if im explaining this correctly or what but. yea,,,, piss hair is not very cool right now. there’s just a huge disconnect between his thoughts of acknowledging his fuck up and going on a roundabout way to try and “fix it”.

also, him being emotionally hurt? him being all, “i wish that was me”? him being all “i want that with you too” GET THAT, asshole! that’s DESERVED. :) cos guess what, THAT could’ve been you too, WE could’ve been that close too, but YOU were the one who put that divide on us that I have been feeling since the very start while you blissfully lived your everyday life. and while i DO understand, i DO get. this is just something i can’t accept. tip toeing and feeling like you’re walking on thin ice,,,, it’s exhausting. it’s so, so emotionally exhausting and overwhelming. and such a heavy burden in my chest. for this, i cannot forgive atsumu if he doesn’t address it, ever. 😬 oop— anyways! no more piss hair slander! but i do believe in osamu supremacy! also as a manager in reader’s pov, i am totally playing favourites with suna <3

okie that’s it i got way too carried away 😭 your writing is truly spectacular AS ALWAYS ‼️‼️ keep messing with everyone’s emotions and also your answers regarding the ending scares me JUST A TINY BIT OKAY?! just A BIT! but i will wait patiently. and if there’s anything i know from your past works, it STILL should be an ending wherein it satisfies and gives justice to the story and your claims of angst with a happy ending. so keep giving me an emotional rollercoaster... really, i don’t think ive had enough from this. really 🤡 HHHHHHH i hope your day went well! and as for the remaining hours of your day, i hope nothing goes wrong <3 - 🎨

i hope your day went well! and as for the remaining hours of your day, i hope nothing goes wrong <3 

well, my sister went out to mcdonald’s earlier and asked me what i wanted. so i told her fries and coffee float. she left at 04:30, it’s now 06:36, and i have a melted but still good coffee float....sooooo, guess who might not get her sleep today? :D

haha oh well

your anger towards the foot is completely valid (albeit, a bit scary haha). teenagers really rally so much on their emotions that it tends to just cause so much misery in the long run. i guess it know makes sense why YA novels focus on this age group (the dialogue tho wtf).

i do hope you all will like the ending! it’s a route i’ve never tried before. well, actually that’s a lie, i did use it before but ended up making a new one just cause. 

if you have an inkling, SHHHHHH!!!

[hellbabyfromhell]

i was writing a small thing and then it became big... just my thoughts about my life as of today.

the asks people sent when i told my whole stupid story about my dumb ass life were really very kind and sweet.... i read through them sometimes.... im not trying to Fish for anything when i say this but like... idk the situation i was in made it really hard for me to leave without feeling bad, and they’d thought up every way to in some way make me guilty even though objectively there wa literally nothing..... idk just, me personally i take every bad emotion a person i care about is feeling or might possibly be feeling or may feel at a future time and i soak it in like a sponge.... so they knew if they made me feel bad enough it’d make me stay.....i guess i kind of already made a post about this but some people sent asks about having gotten through situations like this, and people generally like.... expressed pride in me... lame but ever since i disconnected from everyone i ever knew before my dad died excluding maiya and online friends..... i guess what im saying is ever since my dad died and i lost that familial feeling of living in dc because i had to move, and i was far from anything i knew... i felt so, so so weak and frail, and living in my old situation was crushing me up into a tiny ball.... i feel stupid saying it but it feels good when people are proud of me ; _ ; and im proud of me too.... i really felt so small, and i was like genuinely despondent and ready to die, but i realized like.... with all the crazy ass shit that had happened to me, it would have been so easy to just Die..... and for 2 years i was barely present, but i like....survived.... and really, that was a bad time. i used to scoff when people would say i was strong for that, because i’d think: “what’s so strong about not dying...” because it felt like a suspended plan frankly (grimace emoji im typing) but i also decided that i would try as HARD as possible to NEVER act like teen me again.  because right up until my dad died, i was a brat who was unwilling to take in feedback.... i wasn’t Bad or anything (questionable) but i’d go to therapy and goof off because i was very flippant about it in a passive aggressive way.... like, CLEARLY this STUPID BULLSHIT wont help me so ill be REALLY sarcastic about it! im cool! i kind of realized it after my dad died but LITERALLY i never did ANYTHING to help myself! like, i’d get really sad, but i’d make no real effort to change that, and i thought it was ANGST and MALAISE and ENNUI, and it was that, but it was also my unwillingness to step into uncharted territory: developing myself as a person consciously lol. at therapy i never took anything in and was too busy trying to make light of my situation that nothing ever got done, and i realized i never took any advice anyway.... like, when people say “try meditation”..... like Duh thats a stupid reply but also like.... Have you? i hadnt until recently.... and guess what! it didnt work at all! but i am like willing to try literally anything (within reason) and i want to ACCEPT everything just like.... 

i was SO ADAMANT about rejecting like...... idk Norms?????? as a teen , i really dont know what my aim was but it wasn’t working and i was making people annoyed because i’d whine and whine over my problems but never do anything to fix it, and i’d go and say “NOBODY CARES ABOUT ME!!!” with like 5 people messaging me. idk just, life was handing me little tools with which to improve and better myself and i refused. i was a fool at therapy and i was annoying and SOOOOO depressed but weirdly comfortable with it simply out of unwillingness to change  my habits.....you know? and after my dad died, like... everything i previously felt was just......i just realized how incredibly petty it all was? NOT t say im not petty now, but i was like GOD DAMN i was suicidal.... over that? like i was really crying and freaking out over THIS? my two years of like PTSD cocoon  smoothed it out to the point that it almost just feels like i was thinking for a really, really long time, and only came to when i felt the answer coming on. i’m not saying i don’t still grapple with self pity and stuff but i kind of blinked and absorbed the WORLD for the first time...... i really wasn’t living life yet. i was 19 which is Older than 18 and i lived with my dad and his gf and i was fresh out of high school doing a little community college.... like i was walking around dc and having a grand old time going to the cliff and the woods and then id go home and talk about how badly i wanted to die..... i just like.... i decided that i CANNOT waste any more of my time acting like that because i wasted my most precious time, time with my dad, acting like a crybaby. i’m just disgusted thinking about how many opportunities i had to be happy and have a good time that i DECIDED not to take. and i can’t even really explain why still, but i just know i can never ever be like that ever again oh god the bird is tweeting its mornign sorry im back... just SORRY that was my roundabout way of saying like... i guess i have changed and like a LOT, and i DO feel strong... so thank you for caring about y progress!! AHH!!

[letbenfuck2021]

Author asks: 3, 6, 29, and 30! 🥳🌟

3. How do you know when a scene is “done”? hmm, I think I know a scene is done when its accomplished its purpose. usually I’m thinking in terms of utility when it comes to scenes. there’s either something a scene needs to do for the plot or something it needs to do to further character development. once the scene has accomplished this then it’s done for me.

6. Where do your titles come from? songs mostly lol. i’m so cliche. usually I build whole playlists for all my fics and within that playlist I usually have a song that I listened to on repeat and the title most often comes from that song. ie. “there’s no room in this hell, there’s no room in the next” is from sunsets over monroeville which I listened to on repeat when I first mocked up the fic when it was only meant to be a one-shot I’ll also use quotes from books or works that was an inspiration. so “not like going, but like going back” was veeeery slightly inspired by the psyche/eros myth and that’s a quote from c.s. lewis’ interpretation of it till we have faces so it really just depends what i’m listening to or reading at the time.

29. How do you plot your stories? plot? what plot? honestly plot is probably my biggest weakness as a writer in both fanfic and my original writing (my professors and cohort love to remind me of it) so honestly the plot is usually up in the air. I’ll have a kind of...general idea of things that need to happen but it is honestly largely just....kinda disconnected until everything comes together. I’m not a good plot writer ahahha.

30. How do you edit your stories? edit? what editing??? honestly I don’t. at least not before I post. usually I am just so full of like....fucking anxiety that I just have to force myself to post it or I literally never will. like I have sooooo much fic that I have not (and probably never will) post because I am just soooooooo insecure and anxious about them. once I get past the initial fear then I go back in after the fact and clean things up. so I guess....always hold off a few days from reading any of my updates cuz its a wreck until I go back in and clean it up.

thank you for the asks!!! sorry it always takes me so long to reply T__T

[musicjunky1989]

UPDATES gone wild. maybe not wild, but there are updates?

HAAAIIIIII INTERWEBS!

It’s been a minute. School started and I forgot how exhausting the beginning of a school year can be. But, a lot has happened and I honestly missed writing about it.

I finally started reading Sonya Renee Taylor’s book “The body is not an apology” and it’s wonderful. I’ve been highlighting and writing in the book every single time I read!! So many great ideas, and things to really sit and think about. Like, what happened that all of a sudden I hated my body? When did that start? I honestly can’t tell you. What I do know is that it hasn’t been until recently (let’s be honest - 5/18/18) that I’ve started to take the time to really unpack why I am the way I am. And, it’s so fucked up that our country/world literally profits from my lack of self-love. If anything that just pisses me off and makes me want to move forward into a better space. SO WATCH OUT BITCHES. lolz. 

But for real, this book is great. I’ve been telling all my kids about and sharing in class about what I’ve read. I need them to know that it is ok to still be figuring things out. Hell, I’m a full grown woman and am just now starting to understand myself.

Better late than never. 

Last week I read the chapter “Building a radical self-love practice in an age of loathing” and SRT wrote about people treating their bodies so poorly because they have a disconnect between themselves and their bodies. OH MY GOD! IT’S LIKE SHE OBSERVED MY LIFE. Anyway - this section really stuck with me. 

Y’all. That is just so sad, beautiful, and optimistic as the same time. Nayyirah Waheed - me too. me too. 

In other news, I’m officially divorced. As of August 20th 2018, I am no longer a married person. I’m unmarried? haha It feels great and weird at the same time. It’s great for reasons that I feel like are obvious to me now: I am happy. I AM HAPPY. Do you know that I never thought that or ever said it out loud up until recently??  How absolutely fucking insane is that? But, I really am. Sure, shit is stressful but I wouldn’t go back for anything. My friends, co-workers, family, former and current students all have noticed that I am happier than before. Which is funny because usually I tell them:

I just got divorced and they say “ohhhh, I am sooooo sorry” and my response is ALWAYS:  “I’m great. :) “ lolz.

So I’m great because I’m spending a lot of time on myself and finding out what I like and don’t like, realizing how to best take care of myself first and how to love myself through every single moment. A part of that has to do with men. I’ve written previously about some of the unwanted attention I’ve been receiving, but I haven’t talked about the good side of all of this. 

So, I started talking to someone and he has been helping me realize some of the best parts of myself. I mean I always knew that I was fucking hilarious :) , but it’s so much fun to just talk and spend time getting the other person to just laugh with no ulterior motive. Or talking about what math skill I taught at school that day - which my ex-husband wasn’t even REALLY interested in hearing about, so it’s nice to talk about it. Especially since that is my entire day: teaching math and spending time with the kiddos. 

I’ve realized that I am so worthy of being loved - by myself and others. It’s been great and he’s a part of that.

Before anyone freaks out - we are just talking. There is a lot of distance between the two of us (yay internet and it being 2018) and I honestly think right now, I need that. As much as I want to just meet up for sushi or go for a drive, I know that I need this time for myself. But, he has definitely been contributing to my happiness in some of the most surprising ways. 

TL;DR -  I’m officially divorced and very happy (about it and more)

:) 

[latenightscribbles13]

We will be okay (pt. 5)

23:31

Hey, are we on for tonight?

00:13

Sorry, practice.

00:15

Still? But it’s past midnight already? Anyways, getting off work as we speak, ttyl.

1:30

Somebody forgot about me...

4:02

Hey, so sorry we r on our way to the dorms. Gotta get up at 6. Call you tmrw.

8:00

Morning, babe. Sorry, I was a bit cranky cause you left me waiting. Hope you’re not too tired.

11:40

Guess you’re still at practice. Anways, I’ll go out for lunch soon, so if ya wanna join me…

12:54

Hey, babe, I already ate. I’ll call you tonight, dunno when we will wrap up. Love you, bye.

13:23

Sure.

18:17

Honey, everything okay? Answer the phone. I’m waiting at my friend’s café. I will have to go soon. Please, come by. Love you

20.43

I’m home. I’m so happy you snuck out. I’ve missed you like crazy. Hope the meeting doesn’t drag on, you need some rest. Keep me posted. Love you always

00.59

So sleepy, I can barely keep my eyes open. Let’s talk tomorrow. Get some sleep!! Night night xx

**

 10.35

Heeey, did you land? Told ya to let me know when you do!! I’m having a chill Sunday, jealous? Work hard so I won’t have to in the future.

10.35

Juuuust kidding.

10.36

Or am I?

10.36

Seriously, did ya land, tho?

11.45

I checked the news and no planes crashed. Also checked your fansites and you’re all in one piece. At least the reporters and fans have my back. Asshole.

13.22

Was the asshole part too much? Sorry.

13.25

But not as sorry as you will be if you don’t reply soon.

13.55

Really, nothing?

14.02

I guess I will really have to be patient. Your label is no joke.

20.34

Sooooo sorry, they took our phones. This is our manager’s, don’t write back. All good, lots of work. Thinking of you

**

22.30

I watched the show, you were amaaaazing. All of you. But especially your chatty booty. Like the host dude said, you will be the shit. Or sth like that, I’m a bit tipsy already.

 22.44

Yaaay, did you see me? How hot is your boyfriend, huh? And talented, and smart … ha. Don’t drink too much.

22.46

Maybe you’re talking about sb else’s boyfriend. Mine is a forgetful ass that was supposed to drink this wine with me. Now I have no other choice than to drink it alone. Come and stop me.

23.07

I want to, I really do. It’s just that we got so much work and somebody is always checking up on us… Sigh.

23.10

Did you actually type out a sigh? Eye-roll.

23.11

No worries. This wine is too good to share.

23.13

I’m so proud of you.

23.22

Thanks, babe. I can’t wait to see you. I will make it up to you wink-wink.

23.23

Seriously, tho, don’t finish the entire bottle on your own. Love you

23.44

Babe?

23.45

I gotta go get some rest, I’m exhausted. I wish I could be there. Sweet dreams xxx

00.15

Sry, had to fnish the winw. Missyou.,lova you, gniht.

2.15

Sigh.

**

3.31

Did they take your phones again? It pisses me off when they do that. You’re not their property, you know? Whatever, I’m too tired to care right now. Worked on the night program that is shit since you left on a whim. Tell your boss to be more responsible next time. Good night.

**

19.09

Hey.

19.10

What’s up?

19.10

I tried to call you but I got disconnected.

19.11

It’s been a month. I can’t believe I haven’t seen you for a month.

19.30

Just wish you could write more often.

22.04

Does this make any sense to you? Do we make sense anymore?

22.22

I’m going out.

02.13

Nothing makes sense without you. I hope you will come back.

6.33

We wrapped up the MV filming. I need more time to

8.26

Hi…Need more time to what?

14.31

Call me.

**

It’s been a week since I last heard from him. First, my heart nearly stopped as he wrote he needs more time, and didn’t even finish the damn sentence. He told me he pressed send quickly because the staff came in. Luckily, he didn’t say he needed the time to think about us. If we made sense anymore. No, he just wanted to talk about us in peace, when he wouldn’t have to hurry and worry about getting caught. But neither of us knew when that moment would come. He was so busy for the last few months. Recording, practices, shows, filming. It was taking a toll on him, and us, as well. He was always tired and he became much more careful. His cheerfulness and free spirit were what I loved about him the most, but I guess that had to change for the sake of his career.

I didn’t know how to feel about this. At first, I was very understanding and supportive. But after a while, it gets tiring having monologues through the phone, always coming home to an empty place, never seeing him at work anymore. I missed him so much. I was really proud of him for everything he has achieved, but each day it seemed we were drifting further and further apart, and that hurt. A lot.

After trying to talk it out, he hand to hang up quickly, because his manager called. He said he would call me right back.

He didn’t.

And so I left him alone. No texts, no nothing. I didn’t even bother trying to call him as I knew the phone would be turned off. They often took their phones away so they wouldn’t be distracted.

If that’s the path he chose, there was nothing I could do but move on with my life while pretending there was still something to hold onto. I would either work, or stay out with some friends or colleagues. Or drink at home.

I have been coping very wisely and maturely with the first “trouble in paradise”.

**

I’m already half-asleep when I hear a knock at the door. It is so light and gentle I believe my mind is playing tricks on me, so I just roll over and doze off. Then, from somewhere in the distance, I hear the front door open, but I am too far gone to react.

First, I feel one side of the bed sink a little, when a tall figure lies down next to me. Next thing I sense is a familiar smell. The smell itself gives me such an aching feeling inside my gut that I slowly open my eyes, just a little. Maybe some people would be scared by the whole situation, but I guess my sleepy-self grasped on what was going on.

‘You’re here,’ I murmur burying my face into his clothed chest, squeezing my body as close to him as possible.

His arms wrap around me, and one hand begins to stroke my hear, while he peppers kisses on my head and forehread.

‘I’m here,’ he whispers, placing his head on the pillow, next to mine. ‘I’m here.’

Like that, we slowly fall asleep, and in that moment, it all makes sense.

We make sense.

We will be okay.