#this is something i actually thought a lot these days

[aurumalatus]

𝐩𝐢𝐱𝐞𝐥𝐩𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐬𝐬!𝐚𝐮 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝟏

pairing. kinich x fem!reader

genre/warnings. pixelprincess!au (princess!reader x knight!kinich), reposted for formatting lol

summary. a series of random headcanons from the universe! part 1 of many because i have lots of thoughts about these two

author's note. feel free to come scream about some more headcanons with me <3 enjoy!

𝐩𝐢𝐱𝐞𝐥𝐩𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐬𝐬!𝐚𝐮 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭

kinich and the princess have known about each other for a long time, but it’s only recently that they’ve really talked a lot and become close (since kinich became your guard)

kinich is a bit more open in this universe because although he grew up an orphan, he was recruited into the guard earlier and taken care of by his fellow trainees and the castle staff. he’s still pretty serious and deadpan at his core but he has a bit of silly in him too 

the maids especially used to dote on him a lot. they would coo about how beautiful his eyes are and sneak him cakes and sweets from the kitchen

kinich and the princess actually had one key interaction when they were children that she doesn’t remember

the princess came down with a bad illness and had to stay in her room for about a week. kinich was assigned guard right outside her room, but she never saw him. still, they used to talk a lot during that week through her door, and she never quite figured out who her temporary friend was.

princess used to be *very* spoiled and she knows this. kinich is one of the only people who knocks her down a peg, and he also taught her how to do a lot of practical things (i.e. cleaning, cooking, weaving) 

kinich takes his shirt off by grabbing the back of his collar and pulling it over his head (idk if i’m describing this well, but the image in my head is INSANE). 

once they actually get together, kinich is the type to kiss the princess’s tears away when she cries (i’m going to scream)

kinich secretly has always known he loved the princess in some capacity, maybe since the day he was inducted as her guard (he looked up into her eyes, knelt before her, and felt something burst in his chest). he doesn’t feel like he deserves her love in return and feels so committed to his duty that he won’t do anything about it.

kinich isn’t afraid of dying, but he’s afraid of leaving the princess alone. it’s the reason why he insists on teaching her so many practical things like fighting—he doesn’t trust anyone else to protect her like he can.

there’s a yearly tournament among the guards (and any citizens that want to enter) that is held to win the royals’ favor. kinich is required to participate due to his position, but he tries a lot harder than he lets on—something about letting another guard win kind of irritates him. he wins your ribbon as a prize, a sign of your personal favor, and keeps it on him at all times. he claims it’s just to prove that you owe him.

kinich is a TERROR in the capital marketplace. sellers love him and hate him—he’s fair, but he barters like HELL. you, on the other hand, are any easy target. you will pay pretty much any price they name, and this irritates kinich greatly.

kinich is in charge of training newer recruits to the guard, and older members will warn them not to mention the princess in front of him. last time someone said something disrespectful about her, kinich had them running laps until the sun came up.

most mornings, kinich trains at sunrise. the princess will come out to join him sometimes, either to just lay down in the grass and talk, or to bring out a picnic

many princesses from other nations are attracted to kinich, but he does not return the sentiment—whenever one tries to talk to him, he acts extremely dry and boring on purpose until they lose interest.

kinich has a lot of piercings, but they're not always optimal to fight in—on days when he expects a battle, he wears a pair of studs that the princess gifted him

the castle maids have a running bet on how long it will take you and kinich to get married. sometimes they try to push it along by telling kinich you're looking for him when you aren't, just to pull the two of you together. the pot is over one million Mora, and at some point, the queen joins as well.

[kumkaniudaku]

Stay A While (3)

Summary: Terry get's a lesson in love and shares it with Patrice.

Pairing: Terry Richmond x Black!OC

Word Count: 5,049

Part: 3 of ??

Warnings: Smut (18+)

One. Two.

"Well, James, how you been?" 

"Honestly, Pop. I don't know where to start." 

Wooden spoons banged and scraped across pots on the stove while Marvin scooped red beans and rice into a small ceramic bowl. He'd long shed his work coveralls for an open flannel shirt and khakis to spend some quality time with his only son. 

James was their shared middle name in a long line of Richmond men dating back to their family migration from New Orleans to Fayetteville in the 50s. Marvin was a proud, honorable man. He never said a bad word about anybody, and no one had a bad word to say about him. He taught Terry how to play football, make a pot of dirty rice to perfection, and the importance of ensuring a lady never touched a doorhandle in his presence. He was the reason Terry joined the Marine Corps after a career in the NFL looked unlikely. He was the reason his boy spoke softly and carried a big stick. And he was one of only two people Terry trusted with his heart. 

With two bowls and spoons on a serving tray, Marvin made his way to the kitchen table. He stopped short to get a good look at his son with blue green eyes even more captivating than Terry's. He noted the new frown lines developing on his brow and the lone grey hair sprouting in his goatee. His boy was stressed and confused. He didn't need a conversation to tell him that but welcomed it anyway. 

After sliding one bowl across the table, he took a seat with his signature grunt. "Start at the top. Plenty of time still left in the day." 

Terry quietly thanked his father for his generosity and avoided the question by eating the first bite of his meal. They ate in silence for several seconds until Terry took a deep breath. 

"I think I've been okay. More ups than downs lately, but the downs are pretty damn low. I'm having a tough time sleeping. I'm barely working. I feel like a burden for Treece more than I feel like a man who can actually do something for her." 

"Being a man is about more than what you can do." 

"Yeah, but…" Terry trailed off, trying to gather his thoughts. "It's just - things weren't supposed to be this hard. I gave this country a lot of my time, and I guess I expected to say my goodbyes and roll into my next chapter. Now, my plan b needs a plan b, and I'm out of options." 

"You're not out of options. You don't like askin' for help. Proud like your grandaddy." 

"And you too." 

Marvin chuckled and shook his head as he took another spoonful of food.  "This ain't about me."

The two men shared a laugh, their voices sounding nearly identical as they bounced off the walls. He was the spitting image of his father, both in stature and moral compass. 

"What do you need, James?" Marvin had grown serious again, making Terry avert his eyes to focus on his food. "I'll save you the stress of asking, but you gotta tell me what I need to offer. Is it money?"

"Not much. Enough to pay some bills until the end of the month, and I can have it back to you. I think I have a shot at this job on base if I can get through the second interview."

"How you getting back and forth? I know y'all do the Lyft and Ubom thing these days. Ridin' around with strangers like we didn't spend a whole decade tell y'all not to." 

Terry laughed. "It's Uber, Pop. But, no. Treece is out for the summer, so I'm…using her car when I need it. I don't wanna take advantage of her." 

"Those some of the bills you need help paying?" Marvin's question was answered with a silent head nod and eyes filled with shame. He softened his voice as he reached into his wallet for the cash he had on hand. "It's what you're supposed to do. Ain't no shame. That money is for yourself. Give me til tomorrow afternoon to have more. Five grand enough?" 

"Ah, Pop, I don-" 

"We didn't work as hard as we did for nothing. Plus, it's your college fund money we never withdrew. You're lucky your mother hasn't used it for renovations. She's been eyeing your sister's old room for an indoor she-shed or whatever the hell it's called." 

Marvin sounded exasperated by the concept of his wife's latest project, which amused Terry. They hadn't changed since the day he left. They were just two people who had been in love since the day they met and remained committed to supporting each other through the ebbs and flows of life. 

Standing from the kitchen table, Marvin shuffled around the corner to the garage entrance and returned with a ring of keys and a pile of mail. He tossed them at Terry and returned to his seat. 

"What's this?" 

"Keys to GMC outside. Take it. You might need to run it for a little bit and change the oil, but it works fine. The rest is your mail." Terry opened his mouth to protest and received a glare from his father in return. "I gave you my best speech about askin' for help, and here you go ruining things. Take the truck before I tell your mama."

"Alright, alright," Terry laughed as he raised his hands. "I love you, Pop." 

"Love you, man. I'm proud of you." Not ones for the warm fuzzies of hugs, the two extended their arms across the table for a quick fist bump before returning to their meals. Marvin let his son eat in peace for a few moments before the corner of his lips curled in a knowing smile. "So…Patrice Ellis, huh? That little love letter you wrote in 10th grade finally coming true?" 

"Pop." 

"Ah, come on. It's alright to be in love, son. She's a good girl. Got good folks, too. What's the holdup?" 

In love? The more Terry attempted to negotiate the gravity of the phrase within himself, the more he had to reckon with the idea that his father may not be that far off base.

Terry slowed his eating and looked at his father for help. "You think I'm in love?" 

"Oh, I know you are. You didn't come back to Fayetteville for me, did you?" 

"How would I know, though? How did you know?" 

Marvin stopped eating to sit back in his chair. A fond smile crossed his face as he thought of his younger years. 

"I knew I was in love when I wanted to show up every day and do the work to be with her. It didn't matter if she pissed me off or if we disagreed about decisions. At the end of every day, I can look at her and know I'm where I want to be forever. Plus, I still get a little fired up when she walks through the door all these years later. I ain't much to look at, but your mother is…" 

Marvin let his sentence drop to whistle at the mention of his wife. Terry pretended to take exception but eventually laughed at his father's antics. He quickly relaxed into a contemplative state. 

"I wanna be the best I can for her," he spoke softly. "I get…sad when she's gone for too long. Sometimes, I find myself forcing conversation just to make her look at me because the light in her eyes is the only thing keeping me grounded most days. What does that mean?" 

"You don't need me to answer that, son. Go with what you know." 

Before Terry could seek more advice, the mechanical roar of the garage door made Marvin nearly spring out of his seat to greet his one true love. 

Outside, Patrice was nearly doubled over from laughter in the front seat. 

Diedra "DeeDee" Richmond was the quintessential Southern black woman. Like a prim and proper belle, she wore her color-treated blonde hair big to match an even bigger personality.  She wore heels with every outfit and never left the house without earrings, but she could also drink and cuss like a sailor. 

When she offered Patrice the chance to tag along for her monthly Sister Circle meeting, there was no chance she'd miss the opportunity to ditch Terry and kick it with the upper crust of Black women. 

"And, girl, Rita thinks we can't tell that she took every one of those appetizers out of the damn freezer section. At least go to the Publix bakery. Finger sandwiches ain't that expensive." 

Amid their gossip session, the garage door's chime caught Dee Dee's attention, effectively ending her one-woman show in favor of giving her husband the eye. Behind him, Terry stood with a nervous smile and puppy dog eyes that he directed at Patrice. 

"Marry a Richmond, child. You'll never lift a finger for the rest of your life. Lord knows I love me some him. Hey, baby!" DeeDee advised as she watched Marvin nearly float to the driver's side to open her door. 

Patrice watched Marvin and DeeDee fawn over each other like teenage lovers until the faint pop of her door opening brought her back to life. 

Terry stood in the gap with his hand out to offer assistance. She accepted without protest, letting him gently pull her from the passenger side with her bags in tow and close the door behind her.

"I missed you." 

Terry's admission came in a sweet voice as he dipped his head to place two chaste kisses on Patrice's lips. Only the knowledge of his parents 10 feet away kept her from turning an innocent display of affection into something vulgar. 

Patrice chased his lips once he pulled away, earning a deep chuckle that vibrated her chest. 

"We kissing in front of the parents now?" 

"Too much," he asked, suddenly embarrassed. 

She used her thumb to wipe lip gloss from his bottom lip before rising to her tip toes to kiss his nose. "No. You're perfect." 

Dee Dee and Marvin watched the young couple giggle at nothing in particular with broad smiles and full hearts. 

"Treece, when's the last time you had some of my red beans and rice?" 

Marvin's question made both of them jump like children caught in the act with the realization that they weren't alone. 

"Way too long," Patrice answered, her stomach almost growling at the mention. 

"Then have dinner with us. We'd love to have you." 

Patrice looked toward Terry for confirmation, making Dee Dee cackle as she started up the stairs into her home. "Child, forget him. Terrence don't run nothing 'round here! Come get this food."

Terry's eyes grew wide at his mother's dismissal while Patrice dissolved into an uncontrollable fit of laughter at his expense on her way into the house. 

"Oh, that's funny," he asked, following her lead. "That's the last time I let y'all hang out unsupervised." 

Three extra hours at Terry's parents' house wasn't enough for the tandem to abandon their new night routine. 

Patrice stood at her bathroom sink, scrubbing the day from her face while Terry made himself comfortable on her closed toilet lid. Sometimes, he read something from Patrice's bookshelf, both preferring to simply exist in the same room. Other times, he watched baseball on his phone and attempted to provide color commentary despite Patrice not showing interest. This time, though, he sat with relaxed shoulders and low eyes while she moved through her beauty routine. 

Something about the sleepytime body wash had him laser-focused on how her legs looked a mile long beneath her nightshirt, oiled to perfection and glistening under the warm vanity lights. He wanted to reach out and touch her. Maybe pull her closer by her thighs and whisper every single nasty thought on his mind below her navel until she promised never to leave his side. 

But, he shook his inner man loose and leaned forward to re-engage with her as she called his name. 

"You know you should use a gentle exfoliant every once in a while. It'll help your breakouts. Use some of my sunscreen, too. It's dangerous for you to let the sun hit your face with no protection."

Blah, blah, blah. Everything she said sounded like a chorus of 1000 angels to him. She could've revealed the cure to cancer, and he would be too lovestruck to notice. 

Knowing his restraint was dwindling, he stood abruptly and stretched his arms above his head with a yawn as she added moisturizer to her face.

Patrice watched him take up space behind her through the mirror, shifting so he could leave something to remember him by on her shoulder and neck. 

"Good night," he spoke between kisses, the words muffled against her skin. 

"Already? It's not that late, is it?" 

"I promised Corey I'd help him with football practice at Francis tomorrow morning."

"He'll run you ragged if you don't speak up." 

"I'll speak up. I promise." 

Using what little space she had, Patrice turned to rest her backside on the counter and face Terry. She used her index finger to hook his gold herringbone chain and bring him down for a kiss. Or kisses. It'd been so long since they could have each other in this way. Time and experience, both together and separately, had them maneuvering like professionals. Each kiss was teasing and sensual in equal measure. A tangible mastery of retreating and aggression made the pursuit of one another worth the wait. 

They'd lost track of their exhibition until Terry's phone buzzing against the toilet seat jolted them back into reality.

Patrice flattened her palms against his chest to create some separation and end what would surely turn into blurred lines if they weren't careful. "Good night, TJ.  Grab that exfoliant out of my shower before you leave. It's in the caddie." 

Terry took the gentle redirection in stride, smiling at her through the mirror before turning to do as she had asked. Patrice used what little focus she could muster to secure her headscarf to her head, desperate to extend her box braids for one more week. 

"What's this?" 

"What's what?" She didn't bother to look away from her task until the low hum of her vibrator caught her attention. She whipped her body around, too stunned to reach for the bright pink toy that had Terry smirking as he examined its buttons. "That is my personal property for personal and private use." 

"When's the last time you used it?" 

"It's been a while. A month or so." Mostly true. She couldn't say she hadn't thought about it more recently.

"Since I've been here?" 

She shrugged. "Kinda hard to get comfortable when there's a person on the other side of the wall." 

The mere sound of the only thing to touch her in two years made the hair on her arms stand at attention. Her eyes darted between the toy and Terry, who made himself familiar with each speed and pattern, cycling through dirty thoughts and intrigue as he held the device against his arm to get a feel for the intensity, 

Setting one? Bearable. A softball. Setting three? Maybe she'd call out his name from the pleasure? Setting seven? Surely, she'd hang on to him like a wet t-shirt on a Playboy model while she rode the crest of her orgasm. 

The possibilities excited him to no end. He needed to test each and every theory.

In two clicks, he returned the toy to its original setting and then off completely, holding it in one hand while taking slow steps to close the gap between him and the only person on his mind. 

She shifted her weight nervously as he approached, unsure how to respond until he towered over her with a look she knew all too well. 

Desire. 

Their senses were heightened. Everything felt surreal, almost as if one misstep could send them flying through a portal back to a more disappointing reality. 

Terry could smell the faint hint of mint on Patrice's breath before dipping his head to nip at her bottom lip with his teeth. She responded like he knew she would by making him work for his prize. Patrice never let him intimidate her. Not for their first time together all those years ago, certainly not now. 

He chuckled before leaning in again, this time leaving a trail of short kisses from her jaw to her clavicle. He inhaled deeply, breathing in vanilla and the subtle spice of his cologne from moments earlier.

Suddenly, Patrice felt weightless. Her feet dangled briefly and without warning as Terry took her from standing to sitting on the cold, hard counter before she could protest. 

Patrice fought for stability, using the peaks and valleys across the expanse of his muscled arms as her anchor in the dizzying experience that was his affection. Her lips parted to draw in sharp breaths and release airy sighs of approval in a feeble attempt to remain present. At the same time, he kissed his appreciation wherever his lips saw fit. Her legs acted under their own power to spread wider and make room for whatever came next. 

Her hands left a trail of tingles as she dragged them from his arms to the back of his head, down the sides of his face, over his tank top, between his pecs, and, finally, into the waistband of his shorts. 

Surprised by her touch, he lurched forward to grab her wrist. "Not this time," he whispered, unsure he meant what he was saying. 

Patrice nodded in understanding, earning a sloppy kiss for her obedience. 

There was no discerning where his mouth ended, and hers began. They were on one accord, hungrily tasting, exploring, and consuming each other without holding back. 

Then, the low hum returned. This time, it was closer than Patrice remembered. 

Cold silicone soon caressed her inner thigh. A low whimper escaped past her lips as she made eye contact with Terry. He leaned close enough to speak against her mouth. 

"You trust me?" 

"Mhmm," she answered, fighting to keep her eyes open as he moved further up her leg. 

"Let me take care of you, then. Take these off for me." 

Trembling fingers latched onto her boyshorts, pushing them to mid-thigh for Terry to take care of the rest. As quickly as he was gone, he'd returned for another taste of her tongue. Languid and unhurried, he used the time to relax her while slowly inching the vibrator to her center. 

Initial contact made her hips buck forward, and her head softly hit the mirror behind her. Terry chased her with sloppy kisses at the base of her neck. 

The slow and steady setting was enough to get her wet and sticky. Terry'd be lying if he said the thought alone didn't have him wanting to renege on his early statement and dive in with reckless abandon. But, he remained steadfast in his pursuit of her pleasure. 

Once the initial shock had worn off, Patrice ground her hips slowly, making small circles while the vibration worked to settle her nerves. Terry took a break from leaving praises in the form of kisses on her throat to smile at his girl. 

"You're beautiful. You know that?"

She gripped his chin and pulled him closer for a fiery kiss that he let her lead. "Yeah. But, I love to hear you say it." 

"Good," he answered, grinning at her confidence as he upped the intensity on her vibrator. Her eyes clamped shut as her entire body tensed. "Stay with me." 

A deep, steadying breath turned into a silent scream as Patrice gave in to the natural urge to hold her breath. Terry used his free hand to sneak up her tank top and grope one breast while pressing his lips to her ear. 

"Breathe, baby. In and out." He modeled the behavior until she found the strength to match his tempo. "There you go. You feel good?" 

"Yes, yes," she whisper-chanted to the ceiling, her head thrown back in unimaginable euphoria. 

"I want you to feel this good every day. You deserve it, right?" 

A twisting, turning feeling at the pit of her stomach forced her to draw in a deep breath to steady herself. Her answer came in a soft moan. "Right." 

"Damn right." Pressing his forehead to hers, he zeroed in on each of her features twisted in unthinkable pleasure. 

She kept her mouth open to sigh and moan as she saw fit. Her nostrils flared in a rhythm as she tried to force herself to breathe through every peak and valley of the moment. Her brows were knitted, and her eyes closed as if she were too afraid to look at him. He wondered what she was thinking. 

Did she want him inside of her as much as he wanted the same for himself? Was she yearning for more pressure? Could she feel how much he loved her?

"Don't get quiet on me. I want everything. Let 'em hear you. You need more?" 

A quick glance down helped him reposition the vibrator on her already sensitive bud, earning a guttural curse as appreciation for his good deed. 

"Fuck! Don't move. Please don't move." 

Terry obliged for the moment, too entranced by his view of her flower on full display for his viewing pleasure. Glistening. Wet. Beautiful. Appetizing like nothing he'd ever seen before. He pulled the toy away and replaced its presence with his thumb. Slow circles and firm pressure made her want to close her legs to escape the overwhelming stimulation, but her attempt was futile. She was at his mercy. 

"Damn," he whispered to himself, enamored by the way her body reacted to his touch. 

Every revolution around her clit brought with it more wetness at her entrance and indentations in his arms from her nails gripping for dear life. 

It wasn't enough to touch her. He needed to taste. 

Using his middle and ring fingers, he teased his introduction with gentle brushes against her inner lips. She keened for more against his mouth as she held his face close. He granted her wish and pushed into her slowly, immediately feeling her warmth envelop his long digits. 

Their mouths hung open, breaths being traded between the two as he set a slow pace. Not enough to bring forth a release. Just enough for Terry to get what he came for. 

Removing his fingers left him with a coating of clear arousal nearly dripping to his knuckles. Patrice watched him as he smirked at the sight, examining it like a jeweler appraising precious diamonds. 

When he'd seen enough, he put both fingers into his mouth and closed his eyes to savor the taste. Patrice's mouth hung open as if waiting for her turn to experience the wonders of her juices. 

Had she closed her eyes for even a second, she would have missed Terry extending his tongue from his mouth to allow a mixture of his saliva and her essence the chance to slide from his tongue in anticipation of a new host. 

Something profound and hungry within her made her lean her head back and hold her tongue out to receive all that he had to give. It excited her, delighted her, and aroused her like never before.

Like a lewd work of art, spit connected their tongues in what would otherwise be seen as an infraction among more proper circles. But fuckin' wasn't proper, and all forms of affection were welcomed in their home. 

Almost immediately, Terry rushed to reward her with a wild and frenzied kiss that nearly surprised him. 

Primal. Carnal. Intense. Fucking disgusting. He loved every minute of it.

The race was on. Terry kept their lips connected as he returned the vibrator to her clit, dialing up the settings to a level below their max. 

Patrice's moans and his couldn't be distinguished from one another. Her hips bucked wildly. Her fingernails left marks in their wake as they scratched at his arms and back. Her body twitched and seized in anticipation of the inevitable. 

"Oh my - fuck!" Satisfied tears slid from the corners of her eyes and down her cheeks to her man's awaiting lips. "Terrence!" 

Terry remained locked in. A man possessed. A one-track mind focused on nothing other than completing the mission. 

The first stage of her orgasm came without a warning. Heat washed over her as if she'd stepped outside at high noon, making her skin almost unbearable to live in. Her toes curled, her voice caught in her throat despite the intense desire to release a scream from the depths of her soul into the atmosphere. 

She thanked Terry and God in Heaven for blessing her with the opportunity to touch the moon and the stars without ever leaving her home. Terry used his free hand to grip and massage her thighs, knowing that the best was yet to come. 

Patrice's voice began to climb as the main event approached. Shallow breaths gave way to loud gasps for air, which came rapidly while she did the same. She was suspended in a beautiful bliss and already sad about the prospect of coming down. 

Her lover reveled in the opportunity to see her unraveling at the seams. 

"I'll always come back to you, beautiful. No matter what, okay? Look at me." His request earned intense focus from Patrice under hooded eyes. "You're so pretty. Say it back to me. Tell me you're pretty."

"I'm so pretty!" Impending release sent all her words out in one breathless sentence. 

He smiled at her compliance. "I know you're close. Hold my hand."

Her fingers scrambled against the counter, filling the spaces between his fingers and gripping with enough force to turn her knuckles a lighter shade of brown. 

"That's my girl. I love you," was all he could manage before Patrice let out something akin to a squeal, turning his declaration into background fodder. 

Sensitive, overstimulated, and completely spent, the after-effects of her release had her panting to recover. Her ears rang with a heady feeling that could only be compared to a few puffs of homegrown bud. 

Terry held her through it all, propping her up while her body sagged against him for stability. He put aside the vibrator to run his palms up and down her legs while he showered her temple with whispered praises and sweet kisses. 

He waited until her breathing was even before gingerly pressing his forehead to hers. "You good?" 

His smirk was incredibly smug. He was proud of himself, and for good reason. She was open to giving credit where credit was due. 

"You can never leave this house without me again. I hope you're happy." 

"That's the whole point. My granny taught me some things during them summers down in New Orleans, you know?" 

"Oh, so this is some magic shit?" 

"Family business, baby. Gotta have the last name to find out." A playful glint in his eyes and a squeeze to her waist made Patrice's stomach feel butterflies that she thought would never return. Terry tapped her nose with his index finger and stepped back. "Stay put. I'll clean you up." 

Patrice scoffed. Stay put. As if she could go anywhere. As if she wanted to go anywhere.

Like the perfect gentleman, Terry was tender with his care. A warm towel to soothe sore muscles and ensure a thorough cleanup was mandatory. The extra loving was complimentary for only his favorite lady. 

"Stay with me tonight," Patrice requested as he slid her panties back up her legs. 

He shook his head and smiled while prompting her to lift her hips. "I don't know if that's a good idea, Treecey." 

"I just wanna be next to you. Nothing more." 

Terry regarded her doe-eyed plea with a small smile as he helped her off the counter. He pulled her into an embrace, fiending for one more kiss. She obliged happily until he'd had his fill. 

His hands slid from her sides to her ass for a generous squeeze before answering. 

"Okay. Whatever you want. Let me handle something real quick, and then I'll meet you there." 

Patrice accepted her victory with a silly happy dance before turning to make enough room in her bed for an extra person. Terry sent her on her way with a light tap to her ass, amused by how something as simple as sleeping next to each other was exciting for her. 

Once she was safely out of the bathroom with the door shut behind her, he finally found time to take a deep breath and compose himself. The actual test of his strength was in the next room, and he couldn't risk the trust he'd worked so hard to build. 

After adjusting his shorts, he picked up his phone and sat on the toilet lid, hoping that watching dog videos or Nationals highlights would clear his mind.

He had every intention of opening the web browser on his phone until he noticed a series of messages from an old friend.

From: McBride 

You check your mail? 

Trial against chief starts in two weeks. Gonna need you to testify to take him down

Know you said you weren’t coming back

Do it for Mike

---

TAGS: @planetblaque @wvsspoppin @thatone-girly @oniccah @avoidthings @slutsareteacherstoo @eilujion @amyhennessyhouse @yaachtynoboat711 @jenlovey @pinkpantheris @blowmymbackout @deja-r

[tbaluver]

Hi! May I request headcanons with a reader who at first glance looks cold ,mean and introverted, but then when LaDs boys get closer to her, they realize that she is quite kind and sweet.

I also want to say that I adore your work, seriously, thanks to you, I open Tumbler every day and re-read your works. You're one of my fav authors ❣️

I hope everything goes well for you!

(´｡• ᵕ •｡) ♡

When You Look Mean and Introverted- The Love And DeepSpace Men

⤷ synopsis: when reader looks cold, mean, and introverted but actually she's kind and sweet! parings in order: Xavier x Reader, Zayne x Reader, Rafayel x Reader, Sylus x Reader genre: fluff fluff a/n: hihi my lovely anonnie ! (∩˃o˂∩)♡ it is such an honor to be your favorite author! (⸝⸝ᵕᴗᵕ⸝⸝) i love re-reading my favorite authors works and to hear you re-read my works makes my silly writings feel so seen and appreciated so thank you for supporting my works it means a lot to me truly -`♡´- i hope this was okay lmk ! i ended up writing a story build/ up to their relationship but enjoy reading luv ! ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡ any likes and reblogs are always appreciated! enjoy!

⋆｡‧˚ʚ♡ɞ˚‧｡⋆

Xavier:

You two first crossed paths during a Hunter’s mission when you found him asleep. At first, he didn’t think much of it, but after several unexpected encounters, he started to notice your cold and mean expression. Worry started to wash over him every time you met. Were you upset with him? Did you not want to resonate with him the first time? Do you not want him to be there? Even though you two hardly spoke, he couldn’t help but feel like he did something wrong. He has been looking for you through galaxies and back and he did not want to mess this up.

It wasn’t until another unexpected mission that you two crossed paths again. The energy fluctuations from Wanderers were rising and you found yourself in need of help. Luckily, he was right there by your side, swiftly taking down each one left and right before they could inflict any more serious harm on you.

He rushed to your side to check for your injuries after all the Wanderers were gone. To his surprise, you complimented him, shattering his belief that you might dislike him. Your warm smile brought a surprising warmth that eased his worries and revealed a kindness he didn’t notice before.

You asked if he was any part of the Hunter’s association and when Xavier replied no, you encouraged him to join, expressing how much potential you saw in him. It was at that moment he realized you weren’t unapproachable at all- your kindness and support shined through your reserved exterior, showing a thoughtful and caring person beneath.

You two would be later assigned for missions together and your conversations became more frequent and he began to see glimpses of your thoughtful and kind personality behind your reserved exterior. He had no problem anymore that you were quiet and you two would enjoy your time together.

As you both continued to spend time together, whether strategizing for missions or simply just enjoying each other’s company, the walls between you began to crumble as if they were never there. He was more than happy to know that you were more comfortable with him and pondered on taking your relationship to another step.

Zayne:

It had been years since you two last saw each other, the last time when you were just kids. Now both of you were adults, your paths crossed again in an unexpected way. He was your doctor and you were his patient. At first glance, he quickly realized that your expression might come off as reserved, something he understood all too well as many people perceived him the same way.

It would take a few patient check-ups and casual conversations to confirm that you were just a reserved and introverted person who needed time to open up to others.

You started becoming more open with him. You shared stories about your life and your missions and asked about his life. You found yourself texting him outside of the hospital, checking in to see if he’d slept well or had eaten that day.

During your next patient check up, you brought over his favorite sweet treats- something you remembered him pointing out of his favorite bakery nearby the hospital. A small smile crept across his face and he couldn’t resist taking a quick bite of one two before diving into your examination.

You couldn’t tell from his stoic expression but he was melting inside. He felt grateful that each moment you spent together brought you two closer and he was eager to find ways to connect outside of your patient check-ups.

While he examines you, he pondered whether to invite you out after his shift or to suggest getting together the next time he was free to grab a meal. The thought of spending time with you after all this time, fills him with excitement.

Rafayel:

You were the first human he would ever find intimidating. Your first encounter took place in his studio during a mission. While he fought alongside you against the Wanderers, you barely exchanged any words with him. Your cold expression left him feeling intimidated and uncertain. Luckily, he manages to get a few words out of you and somehow convinces you to be his bodyguard.

He was definitely freaking out in his head when you were coming over to his studio. What could he say? What could you both do? He was worried the next encounter would end up in a disaster and he would have to wait another hundred years to meet you again. He was not willing to die in this lifetime just die in embarrassment.

He was internally a mess when you were over at his studio. Every time you went quiet during your chats, his nerves kicked in, but he kept talking, hoping to make you feel at ease. He hoped that by sharing more, he could help you feel comfortable. He would never force you to talk but he would always leave the conversation open for you to join whenever.

But then, it’s as if the sea gods have heard him. When you spoke up, you referenced a topic from his earlier conversations. It dawned on him that you had been listening intently all along. You responded thoughtfully, engaging with his stories in a way that made him feel valued and cared for. That realization made his anxiety inside of him transform into something much more warmer and more at ease.

He would later then ask you questions, if you were comfortable with it, about you and your life. The conversation flowed effortlessly between you, as if it had always been this way. You two could easily chat for hours and he was more than happy to listen or talk about your stories, enjoying every second of your growing bond.

You both grew closer during your visit to the hospital when he had a serious injury. As you both strolled through the hospital garden, he watched in awe as you spotted a fish struggling in the fountain. Without hesitation, you knelt down, entirely focused on rescuing the little creature.

Seeing your determination and kindness warmed his heart. It reminded him of the layers beneath your reserved exterior and stirs the past  memories from 800 years ago when you selflessly tried to save him. The echoes of the past resonated deeply within him.

As you finally freed the fish, he couldn’t help but let out a smile. His heart aches with a longing for you, each shared moment igniting a deeper desire. With every second spent together, he felt the distance between you shrink, drawing him closer to the warmth of your presence.

Sylus:

He wasn’t scared or worried-at first, he liked a challenge. You were mysterious and quiet and it genuinely captivated him, sparking a genuine curiosity to learn more about you. Even though your first encounter or him trying to force you to resonate with him wasn’t ideal, he was determined to bridge the gap between you two and show you in depth of who he truly was.

He discovered there was much more to your personality through Luke and Kieran while you doodle in your book back in your room that you stayed at in his estate. An unfamiliar feeling stirred within him- an ache of longing and a mix with a hint of jealousy. He couldn’t shake the desire to be the one to uncover the layers of your personality.

One time he passed by you in his estate, the silence between you felt heavy and he couldn’t help but assume you still held some resentment toward him, not that he could blame you. But he refused to give up.

He invites you to a fancy auction where you could find the protocore you needed for your mission. Yet, his true mission was to learn more about you, to connect on a deeper level.

On the night of the auction, you both dress to impress and he couldn’t help but spoil you in compliments before you both left the estate. He also can’t hide the amusement on his face as he manages to convince you to link arms as you enter together. To his delight, you didn’t protest, your smile warming up the building but more so, him. The playful banter and shared glances as you walked in together only fueled his hope that you just might be opening up to him after all.

This has been the most that you two have talked through the entire night and each second felt like a gift. Hearing your laughter was music to his ears and hearing your stories was something he would want to listen to for hours. It was then he realized that maybe you were just reserved after all and how he wished your encounters could’ve been more different and how he regretted handling them

Unfortunately what would’ve been a perfect night was ruined by an ambush of Wanderers unleashed at the auction. As instinct, he shielded you from harm, taking any several blows himself. He barely flinched as he focused on defending you. Together, you fought side by side, the adrenaline surging you both until the last Wanderer fell.

As the chaos died down, you rushed to his side, the concern written on your face as you saw fresh wounds on him. Some had already healed, but others were fresh and needed attention, completely oblivious to the fact he could just heal himself. He watches you intently as you carefully tended to him, your gentle touch igniting a warmth within him that he so had been longing for.

A breathy chuckle escaped his lips and a small smile crept onto his face as he took in the sight of you. Maybe it was a perfect night to him after all. It seemed your reserved walls were crumbling down. The way you tended to him spoke volumes and the connection that he has been wanting has sparked beyond attraction.

"Did the kitty finally put away her claws?"

"Shut up Sy..."

[eternal-evergreens]

Hello! I stumbled across your post “jjk men as yandere” and I really enjoy both your thoughts and writing style.

I would truly appreciate if you wrote any scenario involving yandere Geto with reader (sorcerer).

Thank you if you even consider writing it<3

A/N Thanks so much!!

｡⁠*ﾟ⁠+*⁠.⁠✧"Meet Cute" ｡⁠*ﾟ⁠+*⁠.⁠✧

Post format: Drabble

Pairing: Yandere!Suguru Geto x GN!Curse user!Reader

Word count: 1.3k

Warnings: Reader is morally bankrupt, mentions of eugenics/genocide, reader is a little too into WWII, minor age gap, super greedy reader

"You're like a modern-day Hitler, huh?"

"...What?" Geto looked at you with wide eyes, putting down his to-go cup to better gape at you.

"Well, you are advocating for mass genocide and literal eugenics," you say, taking an unbothered sip of your own coffee. (Geto recommended the place. Apparently, his kids like the hot chocolate there. You'll have to ask him for the name of the place later.) "So, yeah, you're like Hitler."

Geto appears to be having a crisis of some sort. Just sort of staring down at his lap with an unreadable look on his face. You watch with amusement. This kid must be a newbie, you think—not that you're much older than him, but you at least have seniority on this.

"What, are you getting cold feet? You've already killed people, you know. If you want to make it in this career, you're gonna have to get real comfortable being compared to some pretty terrible things."

"I'm used to being called terrible things, it's just—"

"Oh, what? Like monster?" Geto says nothing, and you sigh, reclining back in your chair. (Damn, this cult has some nice shit. You wonder if you can sneak the couch out without anyone noticing?) "So unoriginal. Anyway keep your chin up. It's actually a good thing. Hitler already exists, so you can steal his ideas."

"Weren't you just complaining about something being unoriginal?" You wave your hand dismissively.

"That was then, this is now. Anyway what do you think? Hitler industrialized murder. You can do the same—if you can get the right ingredients."

"You're talking about power, right?"

"Pretty much. You'll need hands and money. And a lot of both. With that in mind, this cult is actually a perfect setup. But putting that aside," you take another sip of your drink. Empty. Damn it. "You didn't call me here just so I could give you my professional opinion, did you?"

Geto smiles. "I hear you'll do anything for money."

"I don't come cheap, you know."

"That's not a problem," he snaps his fingers, and someone, a "monkey" from the looks of it, walks in, clearly struggling with the weight of whatever's in that giant briefcase. You suppress a smile as it's placed on the table and opened. Hundreds, no, thousands of ¥10,000 notes line the briefcase from top to bottom. You nearly salivate from just looking at it. Quickly, you check for any signs of deceit, of counterfeits, empty space, or otherwise. You can't find anything.

"You'll find this briefcase contains over one billion yen." Geto says, gesturing for his...indentured servant to close the case. How many bills is that? It's gotta be over a million. You're half tempted to take the money and run, but years of experience have taught you not to underestimate guys carrying this much cash. "I trust this is sufficient?"

"That depends on the job," you say, crossing your arms. "If you want me to take out Satoru Gojo, you'll need to multiply it a hundredfold before I even consider it."

"It's nothing that severe," he says, wearing the smile of a polished businessman. You sit up a little straighter. Maybe you were wrong about this guy being an amateur. Whatever he wants you to do, it's bad news. You feel excitement tingling in your veins. Will he ask you to take out a city? A country? Considering the scale of his plans, you wouldn't be surprised if he wanted you to take out a continent... you'd need a bit more to do something like that, though.

"I want you to marry me."

You snort, then laugh. You laugh for a very long time, even holding your stomach as you bend over in your seat. If this was a ploy to make you let your guard down long enough to kill you, it was smart. Still, you wouldn't go down that easily. You're more than confident enough in your ability to defend yourself, even in such a hilarious encounter.

Finally, the laughter dies down, and you wipe a tear from your eye. You look up at Geto's face, only for him to look back at you oddly serious. "No way..." you murmur, "are you for real?"

"I'm afraid I am," he says. Your smile drops. How annoying. What's this guy even want from you, huh?

"So, what, that money's a dowry?"

"More like a bribe."

"Uh-uh. No way. Not happening. I can't take a job like that."

"You're not even going to ask what's in it for me?"

"Not interested," you say, grabbing your bag and standing.

"I think I ought to tell you anyway," he says, throwing a sack onto the table. A stack of yen falls out, and you eye it with a raised eyebrow. "That's my payment for listening," he says. "¥200,000."

You inspect the fallen stack. Once again, it's real. He's either crazy or plotting something, and you have a hunch it's the latter. You sit back down. Whatever he's thinking, it's definitely bad news. Even so, you need more information to properly deal with it.

"I've heard you're the sole caretaker of four siblings." He shouldn't know that, but you decide not to derail the conversation by asking. "As you know, I've got two little girls of my own."

"So, what? You need a babysitter?"

"Precisely."

"Okay, but why marriage? Surely you could just hire me as a nanny and be done with it?"

"The girls don't trust strangers easily. I already told them that I had a Fiance out of town who'd be coming back soon. Just play along with it and you'll be compensated accordingly." "For how long?"

"Just until they turn eighteen."

"You'll have to pay me more." "What I showed you earlier was just a down payment; you'll also get an annual salary of fifteen million."

"Make it twenty."

"How's forty?" he says. You ponder over it for a moment. Judging from how you saw things earlier, it seems like he does genuinely love those kids. He's young and not afraid of spending, which would make you worry about the sustainability of the job, but cults are famous for making tons of cash.

"How old are they?"

"Six." So, twelve years. Counting the initial (over) one billion, the listening fee of two hundred thousand, and the annual salary times twelve, you'll be paid over ¥1,480,200,000. That's more than enough to send your siblings to college, as well as set them up for life.

"Deal," you say, reaching your hand out to shake. You'd ask why he doesn't just hire someone more qualified, but you think that speech on 'monkeys' he gave you answers the question.

"It's getting late," he says, shaking your hand. "How about I take you to dinner?"

"Why?"

"My girls are smart. They'll realize something's up if we don't know anything about each other," he says, standing.

"This isn't coming out of my salary, right?" Geto, or, you suppose you should be calling him Suguru, now, chuckles.

"I'm not nearly that stingy," he says. He holds out his arm to escort you, and you take it. "I'll need your ring size, too."

Of course, he already knows it. That, and so much more. After all, this may be your first time meeting him, but he's already met you plenty of times.

"Sure, but I'm not paying. Also, if you get me an ugly one I'm selling it."

"We'll go together, then." For some reason, the smile on his face seems a little too genuine to be meant for someone he's only just met, but you pay it no mind. Money is money, after all.

"Oh, what about living arrangements?"

"You and your siblings will live here," he says. "You'll have to sleep in the same bed as me, I'm afraid. Just to keep up the illusion."

"Do I get a bonus for that?"

"You're hurting my feelings," he says.

[questionableratatouille00]

ʜɪɢʜᴡᴀʏ ᴛᴏ ʜᴇʟʟ

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader

Summary: In an effort to get the two of you to bond, Tony Stark sends you and the ex-assassin Bucky Barnes on a road trip together. The reason? You hate each other. The situation? Two weeks in a car together. The reward: three days of a resort vacation. And the problem? He's kinda cute.

Warnings (Entire Series): Enemies-to-lovers, cursing, sexual tension, angst, fluff, crying, fighting, violence, chaos, mentions/talk of trauma, discussions of mental health, and potentially more.

Warnings: Enemies-to-lovers, sexual tension, cursing, arguments.

[Series Masterlist]

𝑻𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝑻𝒓𝒖𝒄𝒌 𝑨𝒊𝒏’𝒕 𝑩𝒊𝒈 𝑬𝒏𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉 𝑭𝒐𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝑩𝒐𝒕𝒉 𝒐𝒇 𝑼𝒔

“It’s just two weeks, Buck. You’ll be fine.” Steve attempts to reassure his best friend, though it doesn’t seem to be working. “She’s really not as bad as you make her out to be.”

Bucky says nothing, rolling his eyes instead. "This whole idea is a waste of time. I'm not going." He grumbled. Stark had the grand idea to send the most incompatible people in the entire Avenger's Compound on a fucking road trip.

"You have to go. Tony said it's non-negotiable. I'm sure she doesn't like the idea either, but there's nothing we can do about it. Just...try and make the best of it." Steve offered, tipping his head and shrugging hesitantly.

"That's easy for you to say. You don't have to actually go." Bucky grumbled, stuffing more things into a suitcase. Steve was supposed to be helping, but he was really just there to try and convince Bucky that this was for the greater good, or whatever. Something like that.

This was going to be an insufferably long two weeks.

"Two weeks and three days. Three days of actual vacation! This is the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard. Nat, you gotta get me out of this." You pleaded with the Avenger.

"Already tried. Tony won't budge." She gave an apologetic shrug. "Maybe you'll find out you share a lot of common interests."

"Right, because me and the ninety-nine year-old man are basically twinsies. Thanks, Nat."

"Maybe you'll just decide to fuck halfway-through." Yelena interrupts. "Like, full-on go at each other. The tension is very strong. Very strong." Her accent is thick as she digs through your closet.

"She's right, I've read too many romance novels to know how this turns out." Kate agrees, judging your shoe collection.

"What? Ew--God, no. That's...so fucking disgusting to think about." You shudder. "He's a total asshole."

"He's not so bad." Yelena shrugged. "Helped take down the Red Room. Good enough for me."

"He can't be that bad, right? I haven't really talked with the guy, but he seems chill." Kate ponders.

"What they mean to say is that it will be fine." Nat attempts to assure you, spinning you by the shoulders to face her.

"I hate him and I hate everything about it." You rage quietly as Yelena stuffs shampoo and conditioner into your suitcase. You were packing one suitcase and one backpack. Yelena, Kate, and Natasha were supposed to be helping, but they were really just goofing off and occasionally helping you grab something.

"The trip isn't even worth it, anyway. One week of driving to get there, three days of the actual resort, and then a week back. It doesn't make any sense." You tried to reason.

"The whole point of the trip is to get you two to bond. Or at least to not bicker and argue over the comms during missions." Nat rationalized. "It'll not only be good for you two, but for the team as a whole."

You thought for a moment, considering it. You could agree that the idea made sense, but still. He was a dick to you most of the time, so what was the point?

"Fine." You said. "But if he starts shit, I'm not going to let him walk all over me."

Sighing, Natasha nodded.

"If he pisses you off, just kill him--very easy. You know how to do it." Yelena stated ever so casually.

"Yelena!" Kate and Natasha exclaimed at the same time.

You scowled as you loaded your suitcase and backpack into the backseat of the truck. You even made sure all of your stuff was directly behind the driver's seat. Your seat. You were going to drive.

Bucky Barnes, seemingly getting the message, put his singular suitcase behind the passenger side.

Tony and Steve stood outside the huge garage, watching as the two of you loaded up the truck. Tony had bought the truck a while ago, but he never really ended up driving it often. He thought it would be perfect for this trip.

"Don't die, if you sleep in the car make sure to lock the doors, get a motel when you can, stay safe and have fun, blah blah blah, don't crash my truck." Tony told the two of you. Steve gave him the Eyebrows of Disappointment before turning back to you.

"Please don't kill each other. Stay in a motel or something when you can." Steve quickly hugged Bucky goodbye, stepping inside, and you turned to walk to the driver's side.

"What're you doing?" Bucky asked from behind you.

"Getting in the car?" You snarked back. The way he had asked his question annoyed you.

"I'm driving." He declared.

"No you're not. I am. You watched me put my stuff behind the seat--my seat!"

"I am driving the damn car. Move."

"No you are fucking not. Get your ancient ass to the passenger seat." You growl.

"Your driving is shit. Move out of the way before I make you." He says, sharp blue eyes glaring straight into yours.

"What're you gonna do? Throw me?"

Without saying a word, he put both of his hands on your biceps, squeezing lightly, before slightly picking you up and moving you to the side. He did it so easily, too. Most likely due to the serum, along with the vibranium arm. You felt the rage seeping into your body, and just before you could throw a punch, Tony called out from the door inside the garage. "Take turns, losers! Jesus Christ."

You both look at him as he says this, before looking back at each other. Shoving him out of the way, you open the truck door. He sticks up both of his middle fingers as he walks around the back of the truck. As you buckle your seatbelt, you consider just backing up the truck as he walked behind it. He wouldn't die. He probably wouldn't even fall over. It could be a total accident. A little oopsie, if you will.

Just before you could ponder the potential attempted murder, Bucky opened the passenger door, hopping into the truck. You plug your phone into the truck, putting on your favorite playlist. The one Bucky hated. It was a very personal 'fuck you' to the Super Soldier sitting next to you. He looked like he wanted to make some kind of comment, but he didn't.

Pulling out of the huge driveway, you knew one thing for sure.

This was going to be a long two weeks.

Day One

A/n: This has been in the works for a while. And while the anniversary has technically passed, I do feel like rebooting this because it’s very dear in my heart. I kept most of the text the same for this chapter with a few minor edits.

Taglist: @afraidofshrimp @laughterafter @cjand10 @kandis-mom @emmsybucky@mrsnotfeelingsogood @matchat3a @identity2212 @ilovemcuff @unaxv

note that this is the only series I’ll be doing a taglist for, but let me know in the comments if you’d like to join!

Reblog if you enjoyed!

dividers by @saradika-graphics

[jockwrites]

LUST - p.b

warnings: angst, cursing, straight people

part: 1

part: 2

a/n: if u can’t tell i love chase atlantic and i love to base writing off of music so..hehe

this will have smut.. but that’s a few chapters down hehe anyway i’m gonna post the second chapter like 10mins after this hahhahaha ok bye

today was the day. the day you’ve been dreading, but you know it’s for the best regardless.

you’re breaking up with your boyfriend.

for 3 months, you’ve been cheating on him. not only are you fucking another person, that person is a girl.

you’ve never called yourself gay, ever. you wouldn’t even consider the term bisexual.

but after you met paige bueckers, your whole world flipped upside down.

she was perfect, in every way. the way she touches you, looks at you, cares for you, every. little. thing.

she made you feel the way a man never has, or could.

but this wasn’t just hooking up to you, even if it was. to you, it felt like love.

the late night drives, long walks, beach trips, she even took you to disney world, a place you’ve been dreaming of since a child.

the first time you two hooked up was at a party. you didn’t mean for it to happen, but it did.

you exchanged glances from time to time, she walked up, complimented your outfit, told you to meet her in the bathroom, & the rest is history.

it all happened way to fast. but it was like a fever dream. and you didn’t even care about the fact she was one of the biggest basketball players in America.

now the main reason you’re breaking up with your boyfriend? it’s because of paige.

she’s hated him since the beginning.

the night after the first hookup, you got her number. she shot you a text, but you told her it’s not something that can be continued because of your boyfriend.

God she hates that word.

you’d vent to her about him a lot. you’d mention his late texts, the constant back and forth between you and work. it was like he never made time for you.

but paige, oh paige. she always had time for you.

between water breaks at practice she’d text or facetime, when at events she calls, even in the locker room before games she sneaks to send you a little heart emoji or an “i’m gonna win for u. love you”

you loved it. actually, you love everything about her.

but the sad part is, your boyfriend is a good guy.

he doesn’t deserve this, and you know it. he can’t help it that he has a tight schedule. but it all feels so right.

as of right now, you’re driving to your boyfriends apartment. alongside the teary eyes and hurting heart, you can’t help but rethink for a minute.

is this what i want? is this what he would want? or is this just what paige wants?

but then again, you realized you want it. you want paige, you want every part of that woman. you love her.

as your car slowly approaches the building, you wipe your tears. you’re ready to face whatever he has to say to you. but the thing is, you have no excuse.

you don’t know what to say to him. you can’t just throw it on him that you’ve been cheating, with a woman.

you sit in the driver seat, thinking about the memories you’ve had with him. all of the good, the bad, it’s all to much for you.

but you have to keep in mind, you want this.

you regain you slowly regain composure, getting out of your car.

you walk into the building, getting on the elevator to go to his apartment.

as you approach the door, you take a few deep breaths. your thoughts are taking over, and that isn’t something you need right about now.

you knock twice, waiting for a response, or any type of noise that signifies he’s here.

as you hear the door knob unlock, you quickly put on a nervous smile.

“hi, jacob!” you exulted nervously.

“hey, what’re you doing here? i was just finishing up some work, so if you wanna come inside, you can.” he smiled, motioning for you to step in.

you walk in, hating this already.

as he closes the door, you turn around toward him.

“jacob, i need to talk to you about something.”

“what is it baby?” he said. “are you okay?”

“no, jacob. i’m not okay. that’s exactly why we need to talk..”

“okay well, sit down baby. you can talk to me about anything.” he smiled.

you sit down, tears ready to flow any second.

you hate this. you hate everything about this.

“jacob, first off, i just wanna say i love you. i love you so so much, and i hope this won’t change anything between us. i know it will, but i can only hope.” you cried.

“baby, baby.” he walked toward you, crouching down to your level to comfort you. “what’s wrong? why’re you crying baby? you can talk to me about anything.”

the problem is you can’t talk to him about anything. not after what you’ve done, or what you’re doing.

“i just want you to know it isn’t you, it’s me. it’s all my fault, and i don’t know what to do.” you whimpered

“what are you talking about?” he worried.

“i wanna end things. im so sorry.” you choked out.

“what? what do you mean? what’s happened?” you can hear the pain in his voice.

God make it stop.

“i cheated. i cheated and i don’t know how to make it up to you. im so sorry jacob, i didn’t mean for it to happen like this. one thing led to another and.. i don’t know how to explain it. but please believe me, i love you.” you rambled, tears streaming like a waterfall.

he sat there and stared at you. the look in his eyes, it hurts you. he seems so angry, hurt, disgusted.

you did this to yourself.

“are you serious? with who? i genuinely cannot believe this.. i love you. and you do this to me?” he rasped.

“i know, i know.” you whined, “im so ashamed. but i just feel happier with her.. i can’t help it.”

as soon as that word left your mouth you immediately back tracked.

“i mean- him. i feel happier with him.” you sobbed.

“her? are you serious? are you actually leaving me for a woman?” he fumed.

“how? how could you do this to me? after everything i’ve done for you. the things i’ve put to risk for you?!” the pain in his voice makes you want to kill your self.

you feel like a horrible person.

you are a horrible person.

“jacob. please hear me out-”

“no,” he cut off. “if she’s better than me then go be with her. i tried my best, and if it wasn’t enough then i hope she is. i hope she treats you better than i did.”

the problem is, that’s the truth.

she does treat you better, and it hurts you.

he’s not her.

“i’m sorry jacob. that’s all i can say.” you cried.

“she can take my place. she might appreciate your sense of humor, and she might just be as equally insane.” he huffed.

“i’m gonna go now. im sorry, i really am. and i love you.”

“i loved you too.”

loved.

you walk out, not looking back. the regret you’re feeling is heavy. but you have to keep reminding yourself,

you wanted this.

after a few minutes you make it back to your car. you get inside, and the first thing you decide to do is call paige.

“i did it.” you sniffle over the phone.

“i’m sorry, it’s gonna be okay. if you want, you can come over baby.” she spoke over the phone, her sympathy showing.

“on my way.”

_______________________________________________

“he didn’t deserve you. you know that.” paige says, comforting you softly.

for about a half hour, you’ve been laying in paige’s arms, pouring your heart out.

“i just feel like- like i made the wrong decision. but at the same time i love you paige.” you sob, your words muffled as your head lays in the crook of her neck.

“look at me. it’s not your fault. after everything you’ve told me, he was not the fit for you. i don’t wanna see you hurt by that moron, you don’t deserve it.” she expressed.

“you really care about me that much paige?”

“what? of course i do. you mean the world to me. i’ll love you forever and always.” she promised.

a/n: ok so this is bad lol but if u enjoyed read the next chap plz lol bye

[parisoonic]

How the hell do you manage to superimpose the hilariously exagerated proportions of the tf2 mercs into a cohesive 2d style? I always struggle SO much with like, the way the mercs' models have huge hands, the way they have relatively low-poly definition on things like arms, shoulders, and legs... and Especially the way like, the models are kinda janky when you pose them for art purposes- when using movement tools, things like armpits and seams between body parts get all deformed... Which makes the study of form and silhouette rather difficult.

I assume that a lot of your ability to translate the concept of the mercs from their original mediums into your own works of art comes to you quite naturally- through experience you have with drawing and art style stuff, as well as through intuition. I was simply wondering if I could poke at your mind and get some insight into your process, any thoughts you have about the proportions and silhouettes of the mercs, any quirks you've found while drawing the mercs, or simply what you enjoy drawing about them. Like, don't be afraid to infodump about something just because you think people wouldn't find it interesting- I am here, I am sitting, and I am listening- if you so choose to speak.

I am utterly fascinated and enraptured by the more behind-the-scenes aspect of art. The mundane things that come second nature to great artists yet seem so revolutionary to less experienced artists.

I love your work, I look forward to seeing more of it, and I hope you have a nice day :]

Sorry for the late reply! I've been a little…stuck on how to answer this but that's mainly because to me, drawing is composed of SO many different little skills - you have form, anatomy, shape language, silhouette, appeal, rhythm, acting and posing…not to mention everything AFTER your raw draughtmanship like line style, rendering and colour theory. Trying to distill a multiude of small skills into some pithy advice is overwhelming to my brain. So I'll take the invitation to ramble instead :))

I don't think I have any new or revolutionary insight into the tf2 guys specifically - more I'm using them as work horses to excercise general silhouette/posing/shape-language and further my skills when it comes to drawing characters!

I do agree though the proportions are rather silly when you stop and think about them realistically…they can be kinda tricky if you follow their 'actual' proportions. what looks great individually was maybe never meant to be directly compared (ie: Heavy's hand size against Spy's lol). It would've been funny if the TV show exsisted and we had more content to review…would the animators have had rules like Spy and Heavy can never shake hands? Would they cheated the proportions for shots? Or would they have said WHATVER it's gonna look weird and embraced it? (Like Kingpin in Spiderverse lol)

Paul Lasaine for 'Into the Spiderverse' This is AWESOME. But it's also one of the silliest designs I've ever seen comitted to screen. The varied scales of the characters work because of the unifying treatment (lighting, rendering, consistant hand anatomy, consistant cxlothing fold treatment etc) and because they are sort of proportional within themselves. A common manta is that hands should be about as large as a characters face....which they all are here!

Human brains are very flexible and forgiving though. It's totally fine for you to put a character with huge hands and head next to a teeny tiny character! Vanellope and Ralph from Wreck-It Ralph look grand next to each other! And in that film you even have varying levels of stylisation sitting against each other (unified by the look dev treatment of the shaders and lighting). I think as long as the chracter is proportional within themselves it sort of works out. IE: a general rule is that a hand should be as large as the face so…you can have some large arse hands as long as their placed on a body with a big arse head. Unifying characters with the same treatment (ie: lineart brush, colouring style will also help them look cohesive next to each other :) )

I don't actually reference the 3D models/animations very much at all and instead draw their proportions based on my tastes for stylisation following their general vibes/silhouette profiles. I don't stick THAT close to their in-game looks and there are artists who do that are so so so much better than me (Creedei and Flapjack come to mind). I'm not amazing at body-type differentation and TBH they're all wearing chunky clothes all the time so I usually draw the guys as one-of-three body shapes: Heavy is the uniquely wide guy; Sniper/Scout/Spy are all tall and slim and Demo/Soldier/Medic/Engie have a little more of the generic 'hero' bodytype with varying tallness and broadness of the shoulders

Something like this! You can vary all these individual elements in terms of size, thickness, taper amount etc to create different characters. If you ARE going to reference the 3d works though you'll need to apply some anatomy knowledge to overcome the weird shoulders, armpits and knees which desperately need blendshapes to correct the 3D volumes and approach it a little more like an animation supervisor. There's a reason why you see in making-ofs and art-ofs character designers, character leads or animation supes doing drawovers of the models. These are character models that have had great effort put into their 'base' silhouette but it still needs to be reinforced in every frame for maximum appeal.

Shiyoon Kim for 'Raya' This sort of thing will occur at multiple stages during the animation process. Shiyoon Kim's notes are post final model but pre-animation. Most likely for internal rig tests, exploring what blend shapes and alt shapes are needed for the rigs etc. If your production has time, this will continue all the way to final anim. IF! But it's interesting to see how he emphasises the shapes and enhances the character acting of the 3d model.

As for 'mundane things' - I wouldn't say they're second nature! (If that makes you feel better!) I have to actively really persue certain advice and try to figure out how to best apply it. This can sometimes involve redrawing and redrawing an element of the drawing until I've grasped the nettle of whatever I'm after or…..until I get frustrated and either delete the drawing or just call it done lol

Here, I'm looking for a really specific flow of the head that sells both the acting and a subtle head tilt. I'm also trying to apply the general mantra regarding faces that converging lines (set by the eyebrows and mouth) are more appealing than parallel. It's tough! I also tend to use a drawing I've already done as a template/reference on the page too. Oh! This page is an amazing example of why I'm not an animator or storyboarder…consistancy? Who is she? 💅

Converging lines (that form tapered shapes) are always more appealing than parallel. Using this logic you can loft the facial features across converging lines to create dynamic appealing espressions. Combining this with anatomy, perspective and rotation is the tough part though. I'm still learning o7

The things I probably think about MOST are always flats vs curves, simple vs complex and general line of action/flow...and then eliminting tangents. Each of these can be a dedicated visual-essay on their own - hence my stumbling as to answer your question. Anyhow, not sure if it's ever come up on this blog but I looove dinosaurs :)) so i'm using a wee piece to demostrate these ideas! (but also to demostrate these concepts apply to everything from humans characters to animals, props and background design)

Okay, I'm getting self-aware that this is getting really long :') I have a wee tutorial tag for my blog if anyone wants to comb through my garbled art-thoughts. Learning, studying, repetition and practice will always be the greatest teachers! I'm glad you like my art- thank you so much for the lovely comments - I feel like such a noob still and not qualified to give people advice but we're in it together learning! High-five! 🙌

[mirisss]

Atz reaction to their s/o being financially broken

Ateez x gn!college/university student! reader 

Thank you for the request! I’m sorry it took so long for me to write this but I hope you enjoy this! I wasn’t sure if you wanted this to a poly relationship or not so I wrote it as if the relationships are separate, so each ATZ member has their own s/o. 

Wordcount ≈ 1.2k

Warnings: Anxiety, overworking, exhaustion, financial problems, (Not that angsty though,)

Reactions under the cut

Seonghwa, Yeosang, Mingi, Yunho, Jongho

He had noticed that you didn’t seem to have a lot of time to hang out with him recently as you constantly had to study or work. At first, he didn’t think much of it, thinking it was just because of exam season that you were so stressed. But once this kept happening for over a month, he could barely reach you, you never answered his calls, or barely any of his texts, only answering “Sorry, busy studying, talk to you later”. He understood that something must be going on, his first thought would be if he had done anything wrong so one night, he went over to your apartment, knocked on the door but no one opened it, he assumed that you were at the restaurant/bar where you work so he went over there. Once at the door to the restaurant, he saw you running around inside, immediately noticing that you looked sick and feverish, you didn’t even notice him as he stood in front of you. One of your colleagues noticed him, quickly ushering him over. 

“You should really convince them to go home, they’ve been working double shifts for two weeks, and even trying to pick up more shifts every now and then,” He was shocked to find out just how much you had been working. He walked over to you, gently putting a hand on your shoulder, “Hey, love, can we talk?” You were surprised to see him but said yes and went to the back of the building, where he technically wasn’t allowed to be as a non-employee but you were with him so it was fine. 

“What’s wrong?” You asked as you finally sat down for the first time in probably 12 or 15 hours. “That´s what I want to ask you, your colleague just told me you’ve been working double shifts for 2 weeks straight, you look sick, you definitely have a fever, you’ve been distant for over a month, I just want to understand what’s going on,” He saw tears beginning to form in your eyes. “It’s nothing, don’t worry about it,” “It’s obviously something, please, (Y/n), tell me what’s going on, I’m your boyfriend, you should be able to rely on me,” You sighed and then proceeded to tell him everything. 

“My landlord raised my rent a lot about a month ago and with my old schedule, I couldn’t afford the rent or the cost of uni and everything so I had to start working more to earn enough not to be evicted, but having to work for 20 hours each day doesn’t leave a lot of time to study or sleep so I’m falling behind on classes and I don’t know what to do because no matter what I think of, there’s no solution that actually works,” He just looked at you in shock. “Why haven’t you told me about this? I could help you, I have asked before to move in together, that would help a lot with the cost of living for you,” “I can’t just rely on you for this, it’s my problem,” “Hey, we’re in this together, besides, I earn enough to support us both for a while so that you can focus on studying. I love you, (Y/n), it pains me to see you so overworked, I want to help, so please rely on me,” You couldn’t say no anymore, fatigue, fever, and finally feeling like you could have some rest catching up with you so you just nodded, whispering, ‘yes please’, before falling asleep with your head on his shoulder. 

Hongjoong, Wooyoung, San

They would never let it come to the point of you being financially broken or exhausted mentally, nope, these two are just very attentive or their partner and would notice the second something seemed to be off with you. The first clue was when you canceled last minute on a date he had planned for over a week, to celebrate the anniversary of your first kiss together, he would take you to a fancy restaurant, something you usually enjoyed but this day you canceled on him the morning of the date just saying “I’m not feeling like doing something fancy”. He was shocked but nonetheless, he canceled the booking at the restaurant and asked if you should just order takeout and a movie night at his place, but you shot that down too with the excuse of exams coming up. 

The second, and final clue to something being wrong, was when he walked by the office where you work part-time, in the middle of the day, when you definitely had classes, but he found you at the office, looking more stressed than ever before. 

“Hey, love, what are you doing here? Don’t you have classes today?” “Oh Joong/Woo/Sannie, um, no, I, um, don’t” It was obvious that you were lying to him, and he wondered why, as it never happened before. “I know you’re lying, (Y/n), what’s actually going on?” You just sighed, looking down at the ground. “I’m too embarrassed to tell you,” “I won’t judge you, honey,” “I’m going to be evicted from my apartment, I took a pay cut about a week ago and with it, I can’t afford to pay rent, and my landlord isn’t one to be understanding of me being a student so they’ll kick you out the second even a penny is missing from the rent. So I’ve been taking on more shifts here, even trying to find another part-time job at a café or something, but with that, I can’t go to classes, so I’m falling behind, and I just want to die, because I’m failing everything, even our relationship,” You were crying and almost hyperventilating at this point. He pulled you into a tight hug, to try and comfort you. His heart was hurting, how hadn’t he noticed earlier that it was this bad? “Jagi, no, you’re not failing our relationship, come live with me? You wouldn’t have to pay rent that way,” “I can’t just let you pay for everything,” 

“Then how about this, you move in with me, you keep your part-time job here but you back to your regular schedule, you can pay a fourth of the rent for my apartment, that’s about equal looking at what we each earn, and that way you still have plenty of time for classes, and for me, your boyfriend,” “How can I say no to that?” “You can’t, I’m just that irresistible,” 

[sweetinsaniiity]

Give Me Liberty Or Death

► 𝙿𝚊𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐 - mysterious!jongho x ex!heartbroken!reader ◄ ► 𝙶𝚎𝚗𝚛𝚎/𝙰𝚄 - exes-to-strangers-??? trope, mafia au, plot with a side of smut (warnings below), heavy angst, Jongho's career choice is !unknown, regret, intense verbal fighting, reader is very !lonely, lots of crying, sexual tension so thick you can cut it with a knife, slice of life, slow burn, time lapses, path to healing, redemption, miscommunication, plot twist ◄ ► 𝚁𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐/𝚆𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐 - PG-18+ so MDNI!!!, Jongho is an absolute DOM! and he has a !filthy mouth, degrading names (be warned), degradation kink, reader has !masochistic tendencies, spanking, hair pulling, hard biting, overstimulation, blowjob, choking, acarophilia, dacryphilia, creampie, no protection (DO NOT DO THIS!!!!), night terrors, mental breakdown, depressive state, mentions of self-ending (NOT DESCRIBED), extreme violence, gunfight scene (not towards reader) ◄ ► 𝚆𝚘𝚛𝚍 𝙲𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚝 - 27K+ words ◄ ► 𝚂𝚢𝚗𝚘𝚙𝚜𝚒𝚜 - A storm hits not only your town, but also your heart when Jongho knocks on your door in a panic after not seeing him for more than five years. Everything would have been fine, except he wasn't the Jongho you once knew and loved. He was tense, and paranoid like he was running away from something, and instead of your heart, he now carried a gun. ◄ ► 𝙽𝚘𝚝𝚎𝚜 - I'm back from my vacation!!! This one might be on the more emotional side and I kept pausing because I got so into it, that it was actually affecting me. I wasn't going to put smut in this one, but it was so necessary. You'll see why. Also changed my name from "dearinsaniiiity" to this one. Hope you enjoy! ► 𝚃𝚊𝚐𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚝 - @ginger-mingi @0rangemilk @ruubyrubes @oddracha @jaytheatiny @roxannecos ◄ ► 𝙽𝚎𝚝s - @cultofdionysusnet @wonderlandnet @othersideoutlawsnetwork @whipped-kpop-creators @illusionnet @pirateeznet ◄

𝐉𝐔𝐍𝐄 𝟑, 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟏

"We interrupt your afternoon delight with a weather forecast of heavy rain and zero visibility in most areas..."

A strong gust of wind that passed and shook my windows slightly broke me out of the trance I almost went into. With a heavy sigh, I got up and double-checked if I had closed them tightly, twisting and turning the lock just to make extra sure.

It's been pouring rain the last couple of days and everyone, including me, thought it was going to pass, but clearly not.

I was disheartened to find out that there was a hurricane in my area when I turned my television on. I looked out my window again, the wind was picking up and it was raining so hard that I could barely make out what was outside.

"Shit, shit!" I panicked when I saw smoke rise up my ceiling and realized that I had overcooked my dinner for tonight.

I hurriedly took out my baked salmon, or what was left of it, from the oven. It was basically inedible.

I sat on the dining table with my head buried in my hands in frustration. This week has been terrible for me.

Because of the oncoming storm, my boss from the local bakery decided that he was going to close for a couple of months and leave town to avoid the storm while vacationing somewhere. I didn't mind, I wasn't going to stay in that job forever, so I applied to a corporation in the next city over, but I was rejected today.

Life hasn't been easy on me, but I'm working towards it.

Just when I was about to burst into pitiful tears, my doorbell suddenly rang. I was alarmed; I wasn't expecting anyone, and nobody in their right mind would be out in an active hurricane.

"Alright, I'm coming, please hang on," I scurried to the door when the doorbell rang over and over again hurriedly, as if the person on the other side was on the verge of collapsing.

But who could this be? I didn't really have anybody close enough with me who would visit without any prior notice. I wasn't really reclused, I just saw no point if they're going to leave anyway eventually.

With a deep breath, I opened the door slowly to peep out and see who was knocking, but that was pointless. I quickly grew frigid and loosened my hold on the door as it swung open on its own.

I recoiled at the surprise - there was someone I was not expecting to see right now. I blinked my eyes over and over and over, and over again. I even went as far as to rub my eyes repeatedly, pressing onto them almost dangerously, just to make sure I wasn't hallucinating.

"J-Jongho?" I squeaked, my voice cracking pathetically towards the end. 

I curled my hands into fists. All the pain, raw and real, came rushing towards me as I stared into the eyes of the man who hurt me the most five years ago.

"Hello, Y/N."

His voice sounded so far away, and if it weren't for him actually standing in front of me and looking at me straight in the eye with an expression I couldn't pinpoint, I would have knocked my head against the wall so I could wake myself up from this nightmare.

"I-Is that you? Jongho?"

"That is my name, yes," Jongho spoke as his eyes stared into my own again. There were a million emotions to be said yet none in his eyes.

His voice sent delicious shivers down my spine, my legs started going numb from the pressure and the intensity. It had been years, and his eyes still had this unique, telling amber hue to them from afar, but up this close, his eyes had gold specks swirling in the middle near his irises.

"W-What are you d-doing here?" I sputtered out, my voice clearly holding distress.

"I know this is very sudden and I really don't mean to bother you," he cleared his throat. "I just...didn't know where to go, I passed by and I didn't know there was a storm."

My heart ached uncontrollably. If it wasn't for the storm, he wouldn't even show his face in front of me. "Do you need a place to pass the storm?" I asked rhetorically.

"Do you mind?"

"N-No, not at all. I'm just surprised you still knew your way here, that's all..."

A flashing look of hurt crossed his expression before it completely disappeared. He knows he can't blame me - after all, this was the first time we were seeing each other after five years of complete radio silence from one another.

I hesitated, biting my lips in contemplation. It's not that I didn't want him here, it's just that I was too hurt to see him. 

A strong gust of wind howled from a distance and it was so strong, it had nearly uprooted a nearby tree. I turned back to Jongho in panic and urged him to come inside before he got uprooted.

I waved my hand towards him as a gesture that he could move. "Come along, Jongie---Jongho."

When Jongho started to walk inside and pass me, he paused and stiffened at my mistake. We stared at each other wide-eyed, either of us unwilling to move for fear of what's going to happen next. It was the nickname I loved calling him when we were still together.

But one of us had to. I laughed nervously and broke eye contact as I closed the door behind me. It was so awkward and for a couple of minutes, none of us did anything. The only sound that could be heard was the storm happening outside and Jongho's coat rustling as he took it off and set it somewhere.

My mind was blank except for the constant buzzing that reminded me that this was real, my heart palpitated in an abnormal manner, and at this point I was sure I was going to pass out.

"C-Coffee? Tea?" I blabbered nervously as I tried to busy myself so I wouldn't make eye contact with Jongho.

He chose to sit cross-legged on the couch. In my peripheral vision, I saw him close his eyes momentarily to savour the sensation - I get it, that specific spot was his favourite. It was to the point that we used to joke that when we had kids, he would pass on his 'throne'. Clearly, that didn't work out for us.

"Tea is good," Jongho murmured. "A dash of honey, no sugar or lemon."

I raised a brow, Jongho and tea never used to be in the same sentence. But then again, five years had passed. A lot of things can change in five years. But this was my ex-boyfriend, and I knew Jongho. He was never the type to deviate from what he liked.

I went to work and I could feel Jongho's sharp eyes following my every movement. It was making me extremely nervous. It was very evident in my actions, especially with the way my hands shook. I accidentally dropped the kettle with how clammy my hands have become and I yelped when it clanged loudly.

I stood frozen at my spot, staring at the fallen kettle. A sigh resounds from the far corner of the room and then the footsteps I missed.

"Are you alright?" Jongho picked up the kettle and set it down. "Sit down. I'll do it."

My head short-circuited from how close Jongho was to me. I could smell his cologne, something that used to comfort me. I had to stop the emotions threatening to bubble up from my chest because this felt so intimate.

"No, please, my hands were just a little clammy. Just relax," I explained, still avoiding eye contact.

My breath was cut short when a hand held my shoulder and a finger gently lifted my chin. I was forced to look into Jongho's eyes and I was surprised at how close he actually was to me. 

It was the first time I was taking a good look at him. Jongho's hair was slicked back, something he barely did before because he loved his bangs. I resisted the urge to frown. It wasn't the only thing that changed, Jongho was much bigger than me now. He's always been taller than me, but now his shoulders were much broader and his chest was definitely harder.

"Do I make you nervous?" Jongho whispered. His eyes searched my face for answers. My breath laboured when they stared a little too long on my lips before his eyes met mine again. 

"Yeah," I nodded, my voice quiet. "You do."

I was rigid as I returned the gesture. I had long forgotten how his plump lips felt like against mine, and I forgot Jongho's face overall.

I forgot about how insanely, utterly, ridiculously good-looking he was - it made me want to pull my hair out. I felt beads of sweat starting to form slowly at my forehead, I must have looked so dumb staring at him with slightly wide eyes.

He pulled away. "Sit down, Y/N. I won't burn down your kitchen."

"I know you won't," I frowned with a slight blush on my cheek. "If you could just let me---"

Jongho snapped his head at me and stared straight into my eyes with an expression that startled me. "Sit down," he repeated, his voice leaving no space for arguments.

I did as told, but I couldn't even concentrate as Jongho prepared the tea, not even when he opened the correct cabinets and worked my stove as if he never left five years ago. 

There was something about his eyes and demeanor that was scaring me a bit. I could argue that it might just be my own anxiety and surprise at seeing him, but no, that wasn't it. I couldn't explain it, when he told me to sit down, I had to.

I had to. It was either I follow or else.

I stared at Jongho as he stood by and waited for the water to boil. He had always been a very nonchalant person as he was quite mature for our age group, but he was different. I wasn't sure if it was the way he moved or the way he talked, but he was very much different from the carefree and easygoing man I once loved.

"Careful, it's very hot," he murmured as he handed me the mug. We both chose to sit at the dining table and I tried my best to stay unaffected than I actually was.

When I took a sip, I whipped my head fast at Jongho who was busy sipping his own tea. There was a ghost of a smirk on his face when I sipped again, this time, savouring the tea and allowing myself to relax a little.

"You remembered," I swallowed. "A sugar cube and a dash of lemon in mine."

Jongho stared at me for a couple of seconds before completely ignoring me. It was awkward, but I wasn't going to push it. There was this dread I'm feeling that I couldn't pinpoint. Moments later, he had completely finished his drink.

"How are you, Y/N?" Jongho asked softly. His voice sounded so calm like the ongoing rain, and I've always loved the sound of the rain.

"I've been good, well, mostly anyway. I'm trying to apply at the capital, but no luck so far," I answered truthfully. "Are you okay, though? The way you knocked got me so worried."

Jongho's face softens significantly. I didn't even notice how tense his body was until he relaxed. "You were worried?" he snorted quietly. "You haven't changed at all."

It hit a nerve. I wish I did change, because if I did, then there wouldn't be a single part of me that was so hurt by his presence right now.

There was still a part of me that will always mourn how he suddenly just left one day and never came back, that is, until today.

"How can you just act like nothing happened?" I looked up at him with inquisitive eyes. "I guess that part of you never changed."

"That's what you think," Jongho murmured. His soft, calm voice always sent shivers down my spine. 

Once again, he started staring at me again with those deep eyes of his. I couldn't help but be taken aback. His eyes looked different - darker. It made me think, what in the world has he been doing after he left town?

I broke eye contact, awkwardly shifting my body in a different angle. "And what of you?" I asked, trying to change the topic. "How are you, Jongho?"

My tone held weight in it, and Jongho knew. We both knew the hidden meaning behind the question - I wanted to know the real reason why he gave up on us when we had it good. His demeanor falters a bit and he sighed deeply before responding.

"Exhausted," he replied like the weight of the world was on his shoulders. "I am very tired."

Silence. I didn't know what to say. This entire time, the way his eyes were reaching out and speaking to me made me want to take all his worries away, but I can't. I wasn't prepared for the day I would have to face him again, fuck, I haven't even moved on.

"Are you going to tell me why?" I whispered, my voice giving out my real intentions.

I knew he wouldn't say anything, but still, I wasn't ready for the instantaneous rejection. "No," Jongho denied, his tone firm and absolute.

I always had this gut feeling that Jongho was doing something behind my back. No, I knew it wasn't an affair. I never did ask why, until today.

"What are you really doing here, Choi Jongho?" I squinted my eyes at him.

He raised a brow in amusement. "I already told you---"

"You're lying!" I gritted my teeth, slighted, then banged my fist on the table. The sound didn't even startle Jongho. "Don't you at least owe me an explanation if you're staying in my house?"

"You would be correct," he agreed, his eyes shifting into something darker; sinister. I shifted uncomfortably on my seat as he slowly leaned forward until our faces were only inches apart. "But there are some things better left unsaid, Y/N."

Better left unsaid, my ass!

The urge to fight for him as we stared at each other unblinking was overtaking all my sense of rationality. As always, I had to back down, else we'd be like this all night up until the next night. Jongho would rather die than give in, even in the little things like this. It was petty and it was endearing before, but now, it just angered me.

I nodded robotically, effectively ending that conversation. "Right," I stood up from the chair as I looked out the window before turning to him. "It's getting late. Would you like to clean up before heading to sleep?"

The urge to pretend we were strangers was immense ,but I couldn't turn my back on him. It was a trait of mine I've always wanted to change - I'm a little too forgiving and caring. I always get hurt in the end.

Jongho had always been a man of few words, and tonight wasn't any different. He stared at me calculatingly, gauging my facial expressions, but I had already gauged his - he did not want to stay. My eyes must've looked more pleading than I wanted to because he looked away with a soft sigh.

"Oh," Jongho hummed awkwardly. "I'll have to go in my car to see if I have some spare clothes."

I shook my head immediately. "No need. Hang on a minute."

I descended towards my room with a blush with what I was about to do. I went into my room and grabbed the clothes I'd always kept at bay, I didn't even sweat looking for them; they've always been hidden away in the most immediate place of my closet. 

I paused on the doorway, willing my shaking hands to stop, but to no avail. I had to mentally tell myself that it was okay, it was just Jongho, he needed help and you were just helping him. It was nothing more than that, nobody deserves to be in the middle of a raging hurricane with nowhere to go.

But why is the hurricane raging in my heart instead?

I could feel Jongho's eyes burning onto my hands - at the clothes I was carrying. When I handed them to him, it was the first time real emotions crossed his features.

"For all this time?" Jongho asked, his eyes holding turmoil and his voice strained with pain as he held his clothes that I've kept. I didn't have the heart to throw them away, I didn't want to.

My words kept getting stuck in my throat. I nodded my head and ignored his burning gaze. His body stiffened in realization before he moved in urgency towards a certain room in my small and modest house. I could only stare at him as he opened the door.

"You could sleep there," I offered, though he probably knew that already. "It's clean, I promise..."

My chest felt extremely heavy as emotions rushed through me, emotions that I've long forgotten because they died along with my soul a long, long time ago. Jongho stared at me, his hand gripping the doorknob  so tight, I was afraid it would crush under his strength. His other hand was balled into a tight fist.

It was the master bedroom, our room when we were still together. However, it was mostly Jongho's room because it was his gaming room. I was starting college back then, mostly online, so I used the other room - the room I used ever since. Jongho would end up sleeping there so it made sense that all his stuff be moved there. 

We were so secure in our relationship that we had no problem sleeping in separate rooms. Of course we'd sleep next to each other most of the time, but the principle behind it stood.

In hindsight, maybe we weren't so secure after all.

"When was the last time you were here?" Jongho asked in urgency. There was an underlying threat to his voice, like he was trying to hold himself back from exploding, but I don't care. I was too focused on my own hurt.

I hesitated. "Five years ago," I replied honestly. "When I...found your letter that said not to look for you."

It was the first time that that door was opened in so long, I couldn't bear to even look at the door because it held so many painful memories for me.

"Why?" Jongho questioned, the heat of his gaze almost melted me into a messy puddle, but I couldn't bear to look at him, he looked so hurt under all the surprise and the facade.

Because I was hoping you'd come back one day.

I shrugged, hoping that I could sell the notion that I didn't care. It was so far from the truth. I couldn't tell him what I really felt.

Jongho was about to say something but I immediately cut him off. "Anyway," I cleared my throat. Jongho frowns deeper but he lets me be. "I'm a bit tired, you know where the shower is."

I turned my back quickly to leave, but Jongho stopped me. "Wait, please."

I stuttered in my steps, only turning my head to look at him and not my whole body. He also wasn't the type to say 'please'. His mouth opened to say something, but he opted to close it. "Good night, Y/N. Sleep well," was all he ended up saying.

I ran to my room a little faster than I wanted to and closed the door a little harder than I intended to. I don't care if Jongho notices, he knows damn well what he was doing when came here.

There was a point in my life where I never wanted to see Jongho again, but at the same time, I needed him to let me heal. But not like this.

I couldn't sleep that night. Up until this point I was working with empathy as my fuel and my body on autopilot. Tonight, everything came crashing down on me now that I was alone. It was horrific, the heartbreak and the pain that came with it barreled down my body and I couldn't breathe. 

I could still feel the biting cold of the harsh winter snowfall when we first laid our eyes on each other. We were just teenagers, no older than fourteen, and it wasn't love at first sight, but it was a slow burn; a gradual fall that would have happened eventually even before we knew it.

Jongho's love always gave me an out-of-body experience, for his love was true and passionate. It was something you'd have to experience yourself to know what I meant. He was the sweetest lover, he was so patient with me and he had the most beautiful smile that always made me cry tears of joy for having him.

I built a world in my head that revolved around Jongho. Him and I managed to graduate high school, but we never went to college because we didn't see the point of it. We did odd jobs here and there until we bought our first house to prepare for the rest of our lives together. We had it so good.

Until it wasn't. He took a part of my heart that I can never, ever get back again when I found a letter in his room one day when I woke up. There was no other explanation. The amount of tears I cried for years could rival the hurricane happening right now.

I'd always suspected it was because of his career. The way he got so irritated and angry whenever I'd want to talk about what he did back then petrified me. He told me he found solace in a bank, but I knew he was lying. I was pretty sure the bank didn't give him all the bruises he came home with all the time.

I did try the dating scene after two years or so, but no such luck. I left every man that I'd make a connection with all the time because I would end up comparing every single one of them to Jongho and it wasn't fair to them.

But everything was in the past now. As I closed my eyes to try and rest, I made up my resolve to try and not catch feelings for him. I would break his heart before he broke mine again.

𝐉𝐔𝐍𝐄 𝟖, 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟏

It took approximately five days for the rain to finally stop and by this time, it was safe to go out and see the sun.

These five days were some of the most challenging days of my entire life, more so than when I was trying to move on from Jongho before. We were so awkward around one another, it was as if we were strangers that were forced to co-habituate.

The only consolidation was that both of us barely went out of our rooms, except when I made dinner, but even then, we'd still eat in our rooms. I don't know about him, but I refused to go out there willingly and interact with him. Living together again felt a little too intimate for my liking.

And now he was leaving again. It's like he never even came in my life.

"A-Are you sure you're going to be okay?" I asked apprehensively from across the dining table.

Jongho zipped up his duffle bag that contained some of his clothes that he took from the room. It hurt me more than I'd like to admit, it was like he was permanently uprooting what's left of him from this place - from me. 

He looked up and nodded. "Yes," Jongho responded curtly. He hesitated a bit before speaking again. "You're going to go grocery shopping this morning, aren't you?"

I raised a brow in surprise. Jongho pointed at something and when I looked, it was a note I had put there from a week before to remind me to refill my fridge. The tips of my ears warm up with embarrassment. I nodded at him, not knowing where this was going.

"I'll drop you off so you don't have to walk," he offered, voice soft. "The town exit is by that area...I can drive off from there."

I hesitated, biting my lip to think about it. To be quite honest, I was hoping that he would just say his thanks and leave. In reality, I don't want to watch him leave, my unhealed soul won't be able to take it. 

However, maybe seeing it would help me finally move on and heal. "Okay," I agreed, my voice barely audible even in the silence that enveloped  us, but he heard it anyway.

It was how I found myself sitting in the car with him as he drove. It was a small town, I could have walked to the store if I wanted to, but driving was still more convenient for me.

"I hope life will be a bit nicer to you from now on," I whispered all of a sudden as I watched the scenery bristle past us. Even with what happened to us, I will always want Jongho to succeed and be happy.

I could feel his eyes burn through me and I tried not to look at him. "You've always been such an angel," Jongho remarked quietly. The statement made my stomach drop. "Thank you, Y/N. You had no reason to take me in, but you still did."

Before I could ask if I was going to see him again, Jongho halted the car all of a sudden. I yelped a bit when I jutted forward, thank God for seatbelts, and I wanted to look at him in intense confusion, but when I looked up, I understood why.

There was destruction that laid across the streets and the town. Thick, gigantic trees had fallen over and covered the entire divide. It gave me the shivers to look at, but what made both me and Jongho pale was that the exit bridge was entirely destroyed. This town was located at the very edge of the country, and that bridge was the only thing connecting them.

I was startled when a knock sounded from my window. It was a construction worker. I lowered the window and we said our respects.

"I'm sorry for the inconvenience," he began. "It's very dangerous here, please turn back before you get hurt."

"How long until everything is up and functioning?" Jongho asked, obvious tension and anger tainted in his voice even when he was trying to hold back. "I'm not a resident here. Is there any other exit?"

"Afraid not, dear sir. Please, turn back. And it would probably take a couple of months to fix everything..."

Jongho's grip on the steering wheel became dangerously tight. He knew the answer to that question, but he still asked anyway. I didn't pay attention, my ears were ringing loudly in my brain

"Fuck!" Jongho hit the steering wheel hard with the palm of his hands,  the force of it so intense, it shook the car a little bit.

I jumped a bit when he did it again, harder than the last. I've never heard Jongho curse with this vehemence, hell, I've never even seen him lose his temper this quick. Rage was written all over his face, his blown out eyes were wide with adrenaline and thick veins angrily popped out from his temples.

My heart stopped beating for a full second when Jongho snapped his head towards me and ran his eyes all over my terrorized state. His glare held cold emptiness. Who was this man? The Jongho I knew only looked at me with nothing but love and even if he didn't anymore, surely I don't deserve this?

He forced himself to stop glaring at me. It was such an odd sight, as if he was trying to reign in the demons that threatened to overtake him. He tried and tried until all that was left was his softened gaze.

I got so lost in thought that I didn't even realize that Jongho had not only parked his car , but he had also gotten out and opened the door for me. 

"Let's go," he gently coaxed out. "I'd like to be home before sundown."

Home? My head started hurting from all the overstimulation. I looked around me, surprised that we were in front of the grocery store. I stared at Jongho in confusion. "A-Are you going in with me?" I blurted out dumbly.

My skin tingles when Jongho placed his hand at the lower part of my back and started making me walk with me inside. "How am I going to pay for the stuff if I'm not here?"

He grabbed a cart and started pushing it with one hand while his other hand had now travelled a little higher as he gently guided me with him.

"I have my own money," I frowned. "If this is about you staying for a while now, I'm not asking for anything in return."

"So keep them and stash them somewhere as savings," he replied. His hand separated from my back and he paused at one aisle. "You like instant ramen?"

"Oh, yes—wait," I sputtered like an absolute idiot, face getting redder by the minute. "Don't change the topic."

He grabbed the biggest box of instant ramen. Not only did he do that, but he also got my favourite variety. There was a look of amusement painted on his face, it made him look so much younger; it made him look so good.

We carried on doing the groceries together. I was so distracted by how domesticated we both looked. We looked like we were a married couple just trying to replenish their groceries. Jongho grabbed everything I needed but more so the stuff he knew I liked because I would eye them a little longer. I couldn't freely do this, my job at the bakery provided just enough for me to survive but not splurge on things I didn't need.

By the time we were done, the cart was so full that Jongho found it difficult to steer the cart. "There's a lot of things here I'm not even sure how to cook," I deadpanned.

"The internet exists, blossom. We'll figure it out," he assured. He cocked his head towards the cashier area. "Come on."

I lagged behind him, I didn't want him to see how red my entire face had become. Blossom. I'm not sure if he did it on purpose, but it was what he called me during the entirety of our relationship. 

"Hey, Y/N! Good to see you out and about," Choi San, the cashier and one of my best friends, greeted. He turned to Jongho and bowed a bit. "Thank you for shopping with us, Sir..." 

I stopped the smile threatening to come out. If only San knew that he was technically older than Jongho. I can't blame him though, Jongho was born with an old soul, it was one of the things that made me love him so, so much. 

San kept wiggling his eyebrows at me in a teasing manner while Jongho wasn't looking. I put my finger to my lips to shush him, but that seemed to spur him on even more.

"Hope the storm wasn't too bad on you, Sannie. How's Haneul?" I asked him to distract him.

"She wasn't here when it happened, thank God," he laughed a little. He stared at Jongho, me, and then back at Jongho with a sly smile. "Your boyfriend is very generous, Y/N."

I fumbled, redness immediately spreading across my face. I wanted to retort, but the idiot purposefully turned to Jongho to ask some questions.

"Haven't seen you around here before, where are you from?" 

"Seoul, my work is based in the mid-city," Jongho patiently replied as barrages of questions were hurled at him. 

Jongho never really stayed long in this town for people to recognize him, and even if he did, he barely went out anyway. As the conversation went on, I realized that Jongho never corrected San when he said that he was my boyfriend. It sent me into an intense mental whiplash.

"A total of ₩973,841," San stated after he was done doing his cashier things. 

My heart thudded and my grip on my wallet became impossibly tight. I was on a restricted budget since the bakery isn't going to be open for a while, luckily I was good at saving, but still. I was about to open my mouth to retort but Jongho beat me to it.

"Do you accept dollars?" Jongho inquired. When San confirmed they did, he fished out a prestigious black card that everyone only dreamed of having. 

Shame crept onto my face. It meant that Jongho was thriving in his career and even went international. It wasn't a surprise because Jongho had always been meant for greater things while I was still that painfully normal girl. We weren't even in the same level of status at this point.

"Stop thinking what you're thinking."

I was a bit startled when Jongho tucked a piece of my hair behind my ears. "I know you, and it's okay," he murmured. When my expression didn't relent, he sighed. "Make me dinner tonight then, but I'm telling you, I don't need anything."

I agreed. It was better than owing Jongho. He picked up all the heavy shopping bags effortlessly and San's widened eyes made me giggle. San was crazy strong, but Jongho's strength was something out of this world.

"Loaded and strong," San whistled. I blushed in embarrassment and playfully glared at San. His laughter was still ringing in my head even after we left the store.

The drive home was more peaceful this time, except for my internal turmoil. Jongho was going to live with me for God-knows-how-long. 

"That cashier, your friend?" Jongho suddenly asked. "He seems nice."

"San? Yes, he is," I paused for a moment before I spoke again. "He's my ex, actually."

Jongho's brows raised in genuine surprise. "Oh? What happened?"

"Nothing," I shrugged. He side eyed me, unimpressed. "No, I'm serious. Nothing happened, which was why we broke up."

He didn't say anything, waiting for me to continue. "I met San through a mutual friend of ours. He just had his heart broken, and I was lonely, so we tried for each other. Instead of developing romance, we ended up being extremely good friends instead. It was a win-win for us."

It wasn't the entire truth. There were countless nights where San and I cried in each other's arms in desperation because we both wanted to move on and genuinely be with each other, but we just both couldn't. San's heart wasn't ready and I was still desperately in love with Jongho.

"What about you?" I asked with genuine interest. "Anyone within five years, or perhaps as of now?"

I was nervous to hear his answer, but it was only fair that I asked. "Had a few," he admitted. "None of which lasted for more than two weeks, I'm afraid. Last time I even bothered to try was three years ago."

"Why?" I bit my lip as I waited for his response, though I was a bit surprised. Jongho was shy, but he was extremely attractive so that's that.

He parked in front of the house before turning to look at me. "For the same reasons as yours," he whispered.

My heart started to beat a million miles per minute. "You don't even know mine," I frowned.

"But I do," he shook his head slowly. That darkness in his eyes was back. He stole my breath relentlessly when he grabbed my chin and tilted it towards him.

It wasn't normal; the gesture was rough and demanding. "I can see it in your eyes," he said with a small smirk. I gulped when he pressed his thumb on my bottom lip. "We were each other's anchor. You'd do best to believe that."

Jongho got out of the car and I remained frozen in my spot. That was weird, the Jongho I knew would never act like that! Just who was this man I took in for almost a week, and now, will be taking in for a couple of months?

But wait, was he implying that he can't find someone else either because he still loved me?

"Then why did you leave?" I bombarded him when I quickly ran to the house before he could do anything else.

Jongho stared at me blankly. It was uncomfortable, his eyes were the darkest I have ever seen. Without replying, he turned around and locked himself in his room.

I scoffed, tempted to pull my hair out, the nerve of this man! I might as well be talking to a wall! I decided to put all the groceries away and start on dinner.

I couldn't concentrate though, I genuinely thought we had a connection already. And his eyes, his demeanor, it was freaking me out. 

Him walking out wasn't technically new, even before, he'd walk out when he didn't want to be confronted, but this was different. At least before, he used to smile and they would hold this softness to it that I never saw again in another man since he’s walked out of my life.

Dinner was silent. I made homemade ramen and I could see the surprise in his eyes. I smirked in satisfaction when his jaw hardened. He loved it but he doesn't want to admit it. 

"Want to drink tonight?" Jongho blurted out all of a sudden in the middle of dinner.

Just when I thought we were strangers, he busts out things that bring me nostalgia. 

"I suppose I don't mind," I shrugged. "Where?"

"Here. I bought alcohol earlier," Jongho put his dirty dishes in the sink before he turned to my confused expression. "You forgot to check the trunk, blossom. Again."

I blushed in embarrassment. Jongho and I loved drinking occasionally after dinner, we both held our alcohol well, and he has a habit of putting them in the trunk of his car instead. I don't know why, and he doesn't either.

Jongho went outside and when he came back, he was carrying two cases of soju. They were two different flavours, one for me and one for him specifically. My heart was confused if it wanted to soar or drop.

We both excitedly opened a bottle and clinked our bottles together. I couldn't hold back a smile when I began drinking. Jongho had the regular flavor, and I had the peach one. When I got another one, I couldn't open the bottle in a heated fervor.

Jongho saw my struggle and grabbed my bottle. "Really, Y/N? I have to do everything for you it seems," Jongho smirked at me as he gave me the bottle. "Think I should wipe your ass for you too?"

I squinted my eyes at him. He was definitely feeling buzzed, but so was I. "Better than doing it myself," I scoffed.

I got the shock of my life when Jongho reached out and wiped my face vigorously. My mouth drops at his grin, the nerve of this man!

I got up and walked to the fridge to get the dessert I made - homemade doughnuts - as he burst out laughing from behind me. I smiled a little, how I missed that sound coming from him. Too bad it was the alcohol acting.

"It looks like assholes," he blurted out when he got one and inspected that misshapen doughnut. I didn't mean for them to come out like that, I couldn't concentrate.

I snatched the doughnut from him. "Yeah?" I hissed. "I was thinking of you when I made them."

It was his turn to scoff, but I could see the mirth in his eyes. "Don't you think this is getting old?" Jongho smirked.

"So are you," I bit back.

This time, the comeback really made him snort and began laughing so loud that I see tears forming in his eyes. I couldn't help but laugh with him and then we were two idiots just laughing at anything and everything we see. When we stopped, all we did was look at each other and begin laughing all over again.

It was like five years ago all over again and I temporarily felt five years younger as I turned back in time with all the nostalgia flowing through my body with the alcohol.

"Remember that one time you told this kid in our class that he was weird for being right-handed?" I hiccupped, the alcohol taking its full effect on me.

Jongho turned red, if he wasn't already, and began laughing again. "Yeah, well I thought everyone was left-handed like me."

He leaned his elbow on the table and closer to me. "Remember the first time you gave me a 'love letter'?"

I was mortified and I buried my face in my hands with a loud groan. It triggered another laughing episode between the two of us. "Shut the fuck up," I groaned loudly, highly embarrassed. "I really didn't know!"

A year after we met, I already knew I loved Jongho and I knew he felt the same, but he wasn't making a move and I got extremely impatient. I wrote him a love letter and decided to put it in his jacket pocket when he wasn't looking.

Imagine my mortification when I found out that the letter was still in my purse and my sanitary pads were gone.

"You were probably so nervous, so you switched them up," he chuckled, amused by the memory even thirteen years later.

We began mellowing down and just enjoyed each other's presence. I was beginning to get woozy and halfway drunk while Jongho still looked okay, though I can tell he was restraining from getting drunk to a point like mine.

"Jongie? My baby bear?" I squeaked out, lids almost dropping down.

"Yes?" Jongho mused after he got over the initial shock of me calling him my favourite thing.

"Why did you leave me?"

He froze midway from drinking out of the soju bottle. He decided to set it back down the table and heaved a massive sigh. "I can't tell you that, blossom," he whispered, the agony of his words dampening the mood.

I swallowed, my tongue itching for one question I swore to ask him if I ever saw him again. "Did you ever love me?"

Silence. A chill in my blood traveled through my head and made me nauseous. I was coherent enough to ask and remember the next day, but I was far too gone to even care if Jongho answered or not. 

"My love, you're pushing it," Jongho desperately shook his head. "Don't."

How dare he call me his love? His hypocrisy made me giggle out loud. "It's okay," I lied. "You can't break my heart like I can."

I walked every broken path for this man, fought everyone in my way just so I could have him and him I, yet when push came to shove, he was nowhere to be found.

The hurt and the pain cut deep like a razor blade. There were times that I wanted to end it, for dying felt more justifiable than not having Jongho in my life, but I was a coward; I couldn't do it. 

"Hold on to me," Jongho murmured as he started to lift me from the chair and carry me to bed when I started to snooze from the alcohol.

But dying felt unnecessary, I was dead long gone before my conscious body did. Jongho knew how I'd feel if he left, and he still did it. He was content watching me wither away from afar.

He tucked me in like he usually did. He gave me a tender kiss on my head before pressing his forehead on mine. The gesture made my heart clench in my chest. He stayed like that for a while.

"Y/N?" Jongho whispered so softly. I hummed out a reply, I was too sleepy to talk. He shuts his eyes tight. "I am so sorry."

𝐀𝐔𝐆𝐔𝐒𝐓 𝟐𝟐, 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟏

Two months with Jongho felt like a breeze. It wasn't all bad being with him. Ever since that night, we were both on edge for a while but all of that drifted apart when we relaxed a little and communicated more.

I never asked anything about his departure and his career ever again. It drove him away and even though I'm trying not to love him again, my gut always felt sick when I felt that Jongho slipped away when I asked.

Right now, summer was at its peak and I decided to work on my small garden that was directly in front of the driveway. Gardening was something I picked up from years ago to make myself busy and not think too much about Jongho.

And speak of the devil, and he shall come. I felt his presence by the door. "Is there a tech store here somewhere?" Jongho asked.

"Yeah. You know surprisingly, this town literally has everything," I giggled. "It's in the plaza near town square."

"Great. I need to upgrade my computer for my work, so I'm going out."

I froze. He's never gone out without me before, not because he liked taking me or I wanted to go, but because I wanted to show him around since, again, when we moved he wasn't here long enough to explore the town. 

"H-How long are you g-going to take?" I brushed past him, not bothering to even face him, and washed my soiled hands in the sink. My heart was beating so fast in anxiety.

"Two hours, maximum. I'll pick up lunch on the way too so you don't have to cook. What do you want?"

Something ugly was beginning to rear its head inside me and I turned around to confront it with him, but for the second time, I froze.

His hair was styled into a purposeful tousle that stopped below his ears, his bangs parted in the middle. He wore this very, very tight shirt that emphasized his bulked out chest and arms. It fit him perfectly, and I swear, they were inviting me in so I can get enveloped in a welcoming embrace. 

"Y/N?" Jongho's fingers were snapping to get my attention. "You okay?"

No, I wasn't. When Jongho was met with silence and my teary eyes, he sighed heavily with realization - that I was terrified at the prospect of him leaving and never coming back.

Pain shines in his eyes. He approaches me and grabs my hand to place something in it. "Keep this safe for me, okay?" Jongho murmured. He squeezed my hand and my heart squeezed along with it. "I will need it back."

When I looked down, it was the black card he uses to pay for things - which was everything at this point - and it's all he's been using. I stared at him as he wiped a lone tear from my eyes.

"I'll be back. Be a good girl," he said. Butterflies exploded in my stomach. 

Suddenly his phone rang and his expression changed into relief, like he had been expecting that call. It's probably work. Jongho grabbed the back of my head gently and pulled towards him so he could kiss the top hastily before he left.

I stood on the same spot for well over half an hour after. I could still feel the ghost of his kiss on my head and in a daze, I inspected the heavy card. It looked like an ordinary card, but when I looked closer, it was thick, like there was something inside it...

I shook my head. No, Y/N, you need to sleep," I muttered to myself as I laid down on the couch

Soon enough I fell into a short slumber. It was one of those situations where I know I'm asleep but my mind can't stop working. I was scared to hear those screams again.

For the last two months, I've been waking up every single day in a cold sweat because in my dreams, I could hear Jongho scream for help. I felt so helpless every time because my body can't move and I can't seem to find the source of his anguished voice.

I hated nighttime, I hated closing my eyes because it's where he would haunt me the most.

"You excited?"

I nodded with unmatched enthusiasm. "Of course Jongie bear," I giggled. "I don't think we've ever gone out on a date by the beach before..."

It was beautiful. I could my skin crawl with excitement as I stared at the bluest waves, the finest sand against my feet, and the saltiest smell of the ocean before us.

"My blossom, my love, please be careful, I'm begging you," Jongho pleaded with mercy when I excitedly climbed over a railing and balanced on it. It was old with age, and thin with the constant water hitting it.

It resembled a plank more than a railing. "It's okay," I laughed, playfully rolling my eyes at my worried boyfriend. "You'd always catch me---"

Suddenly, I felt rumbling beneath me and the snap of eroded wood that you would never want to ever hear. And then I was falling to the ocean, and I couldn't swim.

But instead of water, I hit solid ground - more wood. It all happened in a split second, Jongho managed to catch up to me and toss me but he can't swim either.

"Jongho!" I screamed as I tried to grab onto his hand, but to no avail. "Jongho!"

There it was. That raw, guttural scream for help that I was forced to listen to as the love of my life slowly disappeared from my sight.

"Y/N! Help me, I can't wake her up!"

I felt someone shake my shoulder and another one try to gently pat my face in an attempt to wake me up from my nightmare. When I opened my eyes, I was met with sighs of relief and a comforting hug.

"You can't scare us like that!" Wooyoung squawked as he let go of my face.

Someone wiped my tears and I realized I was in someone's arms. "I've never seen you like that," Mingi admitted, rubbing my arms for comfort. "You just kept screaming."

"Drink this..."

I greedily took the water that San gave me and gulped the whole thing in one go. My head pounded, the four of us were so close that they just barged in without knocking to hang out, especially now since we're trapped in town with nothing to do.

"Thank you," I murmured.

Mingi was in some of my classes in high school and we were both surprised when we both saw each other move here. He introduced me to sweet Wooyoung and he claimed that I was his 'best friend' and I just went along with him. He was the mutual friend that introduced me to San.

I got out of Mingi's hold and paced back and forth in my living room. "I was screaming?" I was confused. "Was I screaming anything?"

The three of them looked at each other with hesitant faces. The atmosphere in the room got tense, and I frowned. "What?" I joked. "Please tell me I wasn't saying something embarrassing."

"No, you weren't," Wooyoung pursed his lips. "You were screaming Jongho's name over and over again."

It was like a time bomb set into motion, like that song. Truth be told, that dream was the scariest I've had of Jongho so far.

"Your ex?" San frowned. "I thought you had a boyfriend?"

Mingi and Wooyoung's head snapped towards me in record speed, both of their eyes wide in utmost shock. Betrayal coated their features and I gasped softly, I haven't told them about Jongho living with me!

"That big ass guy reminds me of a bear," San chuckled, unaware of my glare at him. "He always comes every other day to buy your favourite snacks."

Jongho had always been attentive. Obviously, my taste in food has changed in five years, but still, he just knew what I liked.

"Ya, we were supposed to tell everything to each other, you traitor," Wooyoung fake sulked.

"Do we know who it is?" Mingi wondered.

I froze. Mingi was dead spot on; he did know Jongho because of our classes, but I've never shown both San and Wooyoung what Jongho looked like because there was simply no need. All they needed to know was my pain.

"You might," San beamed, making me glare at him harder. "Though I haven't seen him before until a couple of months back..."

I was about to retort something to try and wiggle myself out of this sticky situation, when I heard the keys and the doorknob jiggling. 

"Why are there so many shoes out here? Y/N?" Jongho's voice grumbled from outside. Shit, shit!

But it was too late. When Jongho entered, his body tensed with mild surprise at two grown adult men smiling ear to ear at him. Mingi's jaw slacked open and he turned to look at me.

"Ah, that's him," San grinned. "Hello, Y/N's boyfriend!"

"Hello, San," Jongho curtly replied in true Jongho fashion. I can tell he was getting annoyed with the onslaught of attention. 

It was something that never changed with him - he hated interacting with people he didn't know. He looked around and his eyes widened for a fraction of a second before he composed himself.

"You? Mingi seethed. Wooyoung and San were surprised at the animosity but I wasn't because this was a long time coming. 

Mingi charged quickly at Jongho before anyone could stop him and grabbed him by the collar. "You're a piece of work, aren't you?"

Jongho was taken aback a bit, but a nasty smirk covers his face and I can tell Mingi immediately faltered. "Am I?" Jongho taunted.

"What the hell is going on? You know each other?" Wooyoung frowned. He protectively put me behind him. "Stay here for now, okay?"

San took the initiative to try and break them. "Mingi! What are you doing?" San panicked a bit. "He's not bothering you, let go of him!"

Jongho laughed menacingly, his eyes getting sharper and his aura darkening before my very eyes. "You lot are the ones who are bothersome right now."

San's eyes widened and was visibly taken aback at Jongho's venomous attitude and Mingi's hands noticeably loosened its grip.

"How are you, Mingi?" Jongho patted Mingi's back threateningly with a smirk. "Miss me?"

"Bastard!" Mingi spat and harshly shoved Jongho away from him.

"Stop it!" Wooyoung hissed as he rubbed my arms in comfort. "Can you guys not do this in front of Y/N?"

Jongho quickly regained his footing but not before San tried to help him. Jongho roughly shoved San off of him. "Woah, woah buddy," San put his arms in defense. "I'm just---"

"Get away from him," Mingi gritted his teeth and pointed at Jongho. San, being the helpful person he is, refused until Mingi spoke. "You have one minute to explain why you're here, Choi Jongho."

San gasped and his arms turned limp from his sides. "What did you say?" he hissed, pointing vehemently at a bored looking Jongho. "This is your ex?"

Everyone turned to look at me, even Wooyoung. I looked down at the floor in shame and I nodded. Mingi marched towards me and grabbed my arm to go to the other corner of the room while the other three tried to settle in.

Jongho's eye twitched as he turned to look at San. "Why didn't you tell me?" San snarled.

"You never asked," Jongho scoffed. "I've been paying with my card with my name on it and you never saw?"

"So," Mingi turned to me with his arm crossed. I sheepishly smiled at him but it wasn't working. "When are you going to tell us that you're back with your ex?"

"I-I wasn't!" I sputtered out at his bluntness.

"Jongho sure as hell ain't denying it," Mingi deadpanned. "What have you gotten yourself into?"

"Nothing," I shook my head. "He won't be here for long anyway."

It pained me to say it, but it was true. Mingi bit his lip in apprehension. "And how do you feel about that? Do you still love him?"

I froze. It wasn't something I thought about ever since he came along two months ago. "I don't know," I admitted, much to Mingi's dismay.

"Goddamn it, Y/N," he cursed. "You're setting yourself up for failure, and this time, it might hurt more."

When Mingi and I got back, Wooyoung and Jongho were in a heated verbal match with San interjecting a piece of his mind occasionally. 

"You should have never come back," Wooyoung hissed, his attitude rivaling Jongho's. "And then what? You're going to leave again?"

Jongho's eyes blazed. "Watch your tongue or have it cut from your head."

I choose to sit between Jongho and Wooyoung so they won't have a fist fight. "Jongho, please stop," I pleaded. "You're making it worse."

Jongho glared at Wooyoung, his eyes focused and unblinking. At first, Wooyoung stood his ground and stared back, but when Jongho grinned and bared his teeth, Wooyoung caved in and crumbled.

"You don't scare me," Wooyoung mumbled - a total lie.

"And I don't like you," Jongho scoffed arrogantly.

My eyes widened. Five years ago, Jongho was never this straightforward and I could tell Mingi was a bit taken aback too. Wooyoung squawked at the admission.

"I don't like you either," Wooyoung huffed. "You hurt my best friend!"

The whole afternoon was spent with San and Wooyoung arguing with Jongho back and forth, but I couldn't shake off what Mingi said. Jongho showed no signs of wanting to up and leave but what's to say that he's only biding his time until the bridge is done.

I shuddered. It was possible. With Jongho, the future is uncertain and nothing is set in stone.

"Forgive me for saying this," San said sarcastically. "We were here when you upped and left Y/N."

"Exactly," Wooyoung interjected. "You can't just show up like nothing ever happened!"

"I hate to say it, Jongho, but they're right," Mingi shrugged.

Jongho leaned forward. There was an unmistakable gleam of cynicism in his eyes. "So," he began. "You mean to tell me that all of you are opposed to me staying here?"

"Yes," all three of them said at the same time.

Jongho nodded. "Fantastic. I shall stay longer, then." 

He stood up and made his way to his bedroom with all of our mouths agape with his audacity. "Call me when you've kicked these cretins out, I'm going to take a nap," he told me before he shut the door.

"What?!" Wooyoung screeched as he stood up from the couch so fast, I got a whiplash. "That bastard!"

It took a while but I had managed to convince these three that I was going to be fine. The moment they all left, I managed to let out the breath that I didn't even realize I was holding. The cat's out of the bag now, so that's one less thing to worry about.

I knocked softly on Jongho's door to see if he was okay, but there was no response, so I'm assuming he fell asleep.

Bored, I plopped down the couch and turned the television on. The last time I turned this on was when I was watching out for the storm and it was still as mundane as ever. I shook my head as I flipped through channels.

Finally, I managed to settle on one that's watchable enough. Animal Kingdom. Fine, I could live with that. I groaned hard when a commercial came in, but instead of the regular commercials, this was a newscast.

"Coming all the way from our Korean Intelligence Agency live is Deputy Director Jeong..."

I frowned. Now that I think about it, there was this ongoing case of a well-known mafia in the city that the government was trying to take down. I raised the volume up to hear.

"Sir, would you say that we are close to solving this? And what about the infamous bank heist by the south of Seoul?"

Now that caught my attention. Jongho used to work in that bank when we were still starting out our relationship.

"We are doing our very best. We are closer than ever to---"

I was confused when the television suddenly turned black. I looked behind me and Jongho was glaring holes at the television as he held the remote control.

"You should go to sleep," he said, voice tight. "It's getting late."

I didn't know how to react. This wasn't the first time that Jongho turned off either my television or his car radio when we drove somewhere. 

Deep down, I knew he was hiding something. I'm not foolish enough to not speculate. "I'm not sleepy yet," I said. "Would you like to watch something else with me then?"

"No," Jongho gritted his teeth. I jumped a bit on how harsh his voice had become.

But something in me snapped. "Choi Jongho," I marched towards him until I was directly on his face. "I understand perfectly well that you have problems with your career or whatever, after all, you left me for it."

Jongho's lips twist into a sneer and then he scoffs, but I cut him off. "I don't deserve this, this is my house," I stood my ground. "You can't act like you own it when you haven't even told me why!"

"Your house?" Jongho growled in anger, his tongue pressing against cheek in arrogance. "My name is still in the deed."

"So what?" I retorted with equal arrogance. "I'm the one who made this a home rather than just a place to sleep in!"

"I'm not telling you anything, we've talked about this!" Jongho raised his voice in frustration as he turned to walk away from me. "Why are you so dead set on finding out?"

"Are you hearing yourself?" I screeched. "We belonged to each other at one point, the least you could do is tell me!"

"How much of me are you willing to take?" Jongho banged his palms on the dining table, the sound of it echoing in the distance. "There's nothing left for you to take, don't you understand?"

"Why are you acting like this is my fault?" I screamed in frustration. "I've taken your bullshit for you! You have no respect!"

I also went to the table and banged my hands on it as well, just to show that he can't push me around like he used to. "Give me your reason!"

"Because I hate that I need you! Then, and right now," Jongho confessed in one breath.

My arms went limp at the revelation of his thoughts all along. When Jongho looked at me again, his eyes rimmed red as his chest rose up and down

When we were young, Jongho was my solace - my salvation, my everything. In another life, we could have had children by now, we could have been that couple that grew old and gray. But the truth was right here in front of me, I was the only one to ever have these dreams.

He'd made up his choice a long time ago, I was the only one holding on to a distant memory. This one hurt far worse than when Jongho left, because right now, I can't drive a nail through his mistakes.

"Y/N, please," Jongho's voice brought me out of that darkness. He still sounded angry, but he also sounded desperate. 

His hand reaches out to cup my face and his thumb strokes my skin. "You're the only thing that's keeping me alive. Please, go to sleep."

𝐀𝐔𝐆𝐔𝐒𝐓 𝟑𝟏, 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟏

I awoke to cold sweat again, the stickiness of it uncomfortable with how my shirt had clung to my skin. I sighed, another nightmare.

There were nights I fell asleep only because I got too tired from staying awake. I couldn't concentrate much when I woke up from the lack of sleep and it was concerning me.

Jongho and I haven't been on speaking terms for a week or so. His words had plagued my mind since then, but that's not what woke me up tonight.

The screams were back. Jongho's screams in my head were back.

With a heavy sigh and a massive headache, I got up from my bed and left the room to grab a glass of water. I didn't even bother putting on pants, I knew Jongho wouldn't be out in the dead of night.

"Get away from me..."

I paused midway from the glass touching my lips. I looked around, spooked that I was hearing things that I wasn't supposed to because of the sleep deprivation. I waited a little to see if I was going to hear something again.

"Please!"

A high-pitched, grating scream resounded from the entire house and I dropped the glass in shock. The sound of the glass breaking got drowned out from, yet again, another guttural scream.

At first, I thought someone from outside was asking for help and their voice was loud enough to filter in the house, but when another scream resounded, I gasped and slapped my hands over my mouth in a heartbreaking discovery.

It was the same scream in my dreams. The scream was coming from Jongho's room, and all this time, it was never a dream.

"Jongho?" I worriedly knocked on his door. My knocks got louder and louder, more frantic, when he didn't respond. "Jongho, please!"

His repeated screams pierced my heart. I tried everything I could as I screamed his name in urgency - punching the door, jiggling the doorknob, even kicking the door even though I knew it would be fruitless - but nothing.

An idea popped in my head and I quickly acted upon it. Tears started freely flowing from my eyes pathetically as my hands shook too much from finding the right key in Jongho's room. All this time, Jongho was having nightmares and I didn't even realize or help.

"Fuck, fuck!" I hissed when I dropped the keys. No matter what I did, I couldn't stop my shaking hands.

I almost tripped on my feet when I quickly rushed into the bedroom. My heart broke when I looked at Jongho. He was contorted into an odd angle onto himself, his face red and his entire body sweating. He had no shirt on, but I couldn't even care about that right now.

"Jongho, love, please wake up," I tried shaking him gently so he wouldn't freak out when he woke up, but when that didn't work, I tried again.

I burst out in pitiful tears when Jongho let out an anguished groan. His voice was agonizing, primal even, and my heart couldn't handle seeing him like this.

"Jongho, come on now, wake up," I tapped his beautiful face a little harder this time. But that also didn't do anything.

In desperation, I peppered his face with little kisses while also shaking him. "Jongho!" I said out loud since gentle methods didn't work. But nothing.

What did work was when I thumped my fists on his hard chest. It was my turn to scream when Jongho suddenly grabbed me and flipped me on the bed so he was on top of me. He started choking me in a blinded rage and I clawed his hands in a panic.

"J-Jongho, i-it's me," I coughed, wheezing as I felt the oxygen leave my body. "B-Baby bear, p-please..."

The light seemed to come back to his eyes and they slowly melted from this hallucination to something more sentient. I took a big gulp of breath when he let go and wheezed uncontrollably. Jongho's horrified face put two and two together when he stared at the red marks on my neck.

"Oh God," he choked. He hurriedly grabbed my shoulders as he smoothed my hair out of my face so he could see. "I am so, so sorry, are you okay?"

I nodded and unconsciously held onto his arm. "Are you okay?" I worriedly asked.

"For fuck's sake, love, can you please try and worry about yourself for once? I choked you, for crying out loud!" Jongho said, irritation lacing his features.

"I'm good, seriously, I expected it," I assured him truthfully. I pressed a hand to his face and caressed it. "How are you feeling?"

His body froze at the gesture and a storm started to brew in his eyes as he hesitated to move. I bit my lip and nodded. It looked like a huge weight was lifted off of his shoulders as he closed his eyes and nuzzled his face in my hands.

A realization started to slowly dawn on me. The fear I felt as Jongho slowly slipped from my fingers just now was the proof of my love for him.

The intimacy of our setup right now also slowly dawns on me. A chill went up my spine when Jongho kissed my palm. The chill further down and I almost cursed when I realized that I was only wearing my shirt and my panties, no bra.

Jongho seemed to realize it at the same time. He slowly traced my skin with his eyes from my legs, my stiff nipples, and my face. I wasn't faring any better - Jongho's toned chest was up my face. I gulped, he was much bigger than I remembered him to be. 

"May I?" Jongho tugged my shirt. When I nodded and raised my arms, Jongho hastily took my shirt off.

His breath hitched as he looked at me over, the desire in his eyes overpowering the nightmares that plagued his mind.

He hovered over me as I laid down flatly on the bed. I let out a breathy moan when he started to kiss the sweet spots on my neck as his rough hand gently kneaded my tits. I whispered his name directly in his ear when he rolled my nipples in between his fingers.

"You know," he pulled away to spread my legs so he could go in between them. "This was my favourite position when I was with you."

It caught me off guard. I blushed at his crudeness and straightforwardness. "Why?" I asked.

"Because," he began. I gasped when he humped my clothed pussy. "The way I could go deeper in you always made my head spin, especially when I see your fucked out face when you're close."

My eyes widened. Sure, back then, Jongho would talk dirty, but he never talked this dirty. I couldn't hold back a loud moan when he humped particularly hard against me.

He leaned down directly to my ear and whispered sensually. "But I especially love when you scream my name when you beg me to make you come."

"Kiss me," I blurted out.

Jongho growled before he held the back of my head and pulled my lips to his. It was passionate, but at the same time, filthy. It was years and years of longing and want. I felt wetness down there when I felt his hard cock twitch inside his sweatpants.

"Jongho," I moaned as I tried to pull away, but he kept trying to chase my lips with his. "Jongho..."

"Mmm," he complained in between his kisses. It took everything in me not to keep going.

"Maybe we should stop," I squealed when his hand brushed against my inner thigh and pussy. 

"We should," he agreed, his voice hoarse with want. "One more and I will."

This time, he claimed my lips stronger. He groaned in my mouth when I pulled on his hair as we both blindly touched each other in random places. But eventually, Jongho had to reluctantly break the kiss.

One thing that never did change was his sweetness and aftercare. He put my shirt back on and we both laid down next to each other with his arm around me and my head on his chest.

"I've been having these nightmares for a while," Jongho said out loud all of a sudden. "I've done...things I will regret for the rest of my life."

He kissed the top of my head. "Things you don't want to know."

He was right. If it's supposed to be like this, then I don't want to know what's bothering him because the more he dives into it, the more I get hurt seeing him fight the demons I don't even dare expose myself to.

"I'm trying to help you," I said, despite my thoughts. "It always seems like you're always running away."

"Maybe because I am," he sighed. "I've been a prisoner in my own hands for a while now."

"I'm sorry," was all I could say. I wanted to say that he wasn't the only one; I've been trapped and enslaved in my own mind for so long that I'm surprised that I haven't lost my mind yet.

When Jongho didn't say anything else, I slowly got up from his hold. I already missed his warmth. "I should get going so you can rest," I mumbled.

When my feet were close to touching the floor, I felt his hands hold on my arm to stop me. "Wait," Jongho whispered. 

I was taken aback by how soft his voice was, especially if I was comparing it from a week ago when we had that argument. He pulled me to his lap, his head nuzzling the corner of my neck. I blushed profusely, I didn't even feel this way when we made out. 

"Stay," his muffled voice requested as his hug became tighter. "I need you right now."

"Jongho," I whined softly. There was nothing left to say, we were blurring the lines between a host helping an old friend out. I bit my lip, to be fair, we already blurred that line earlier when we made out.

"Just for tonight," he bargained. "Then we can ignore each other again tomorrow." 

I know I shouldn't. The logical part of my ego is aware that this was a terrible idea, but the emotional part of my psyche wants me to give myself to my desires just this once.

I crawled out of his lap and positioned myself comfortably on the bed. "How can I go back to ignoring you after this?" I mumbled as he started to spoon me.

"You don't," he answered. "It was hell to know you're here with me but refused to talk."

I hummed. "You know it was your fault right?"

"Yes," he admitted. "Let's catch up on some sleep now, okay?"

"Are you insane?!" I buried my face in my hands. "Don't scare me like that ever again!"

Jongho laughed, his face breaking out into the most beautiful ray of sunshine as he smoothed his wet hair out of his face. He hugged me as tears started to flow from my eyes.

"Hush now, I'm sorry. I didn't think you'd react this bad," he rubbed my back for added comfort.

"Are you kidding?" I sniffled, shuffling my feet to turn and point at the spot where Jongho had fallen by the ocean as a prank. "That scream you'd let out, I thought that was the end of you, you bastard!"

"I'm so sorry," he chuckled at my pouty face. He pouted, how could I resist him? "Let's go swimming properly now, okay? This beach is perfect for us."

I just knew after that, that I will never hear that scream ever again.

My eyes flew open for absolutely no reason this time. My heart was beating out of control when I did. I didn't feel good, I'm about to throw up.

Something was very wrong. There was a sense of impending doom looming over me that I can't explain.

Or maybe I'm just too exhausted and paranoid. I moved my hand to hug Jongho for comfort but my heart could burst out of my ribcage when all my hands touched were pillows and blankets. 

I could feel tears forming in my eyes faster than my mind could comprehend as I rose up quickly from the bed. I did it so fast that blood rushed towards my head and it rendered me nauseous. I almost cursed when I tripped on my two feet, but no matter, I had to find Jongho.

There was only one thing in my mind - had he left me again?

It was definitely a panic attack rising. The room was spinning, the overwhelming doom and desperation was making me function, but it was difficult. What might be something as innocent as Jongho maybe using the bathroom had distorted into something horrifying in my mind.

It's terror, it's shame, it's desperation and it's death all at once.

"You know they're just going to find you, correct?"

I rejoiced at the voice I heard, but all that doom came rushing back when I realized that the voice did not belong to my beloved.

"Of course, I do. You play me for a fool."

That was Jongho, but the way he spoke terrified me. I quickly rushed to the backyard when I realized that the voices belonged there, but I stopped when I took a quick peek at the window overlooking there. My heart dropped, I wasn't expecting anything, but I definitely wasn't expecting another man to be with Jongho.

"What do you want?" Jongho snarled lowly, his voice taking a darker turn. "It must be important if you made your unwelcome presence known."

The man laughed heartily. "Oh Jongho, straightforward as always," he smirked. "Fear not, I won't take long. How's life as a domesticated man?"

"You shut your fucking mouth, or I'll make sure you never talk again," Jongho hissed. He took a step of two towards the man, who didn't even flinch. Rather, he looked amused, like he knew Jongho wouldn't go through with it.

As for me, I felt freezing water pour over me as the cold reality of what Jongho said rang through my head. My Jongho was sweet and kind, and this man in front of me was not him. 

"Feisty," the man grinned sadistically. "You know I love that fire inside of you. Quite a shame that you don't want to be something more."

I didn't move or even breathe. More than what? Something tells me I wasn't supposed to be listening to this.

"You say that as if it's such a bad thing," Jongho smirked.

"It's not," the man admitted. "But for the life we lead, it can be."

"Cut the crap, Hongjoong. Tell me what you want."

"Say 'please' and I'll think about it."

Jongho's laugh afterwards made my body rigid. It was sinister - evil. This was the man who bared his heart and soul to me last night, and he wasn't one for feelings to begin with. I never thought I'd get scared of Jongho, until now.

I strained my ears when they talked in hushed tones. I couldn't hear any but if I moved even an inch, I might get discovered. If this was the choice that Jongho made after he left me, then God bless us all.

"In all seriousness," the man - Hongjoong - spoke. "That's all I know. I won't tell anyone you're here, but if I were you, I would do something about it."

"You think I give a fuck about all of this?" Jongho snapped, his loud voice piercing through the night. He looked nothing short of terrifying. "Do not lie to me, I'm the worst person you can lie to and you know it."

"Or you could just call it quits. You know what to do," Hongjoong tilted his head in amusement. He reminded me of an undertaker for some reason.

I gasped but quickly covered my mouth with my shaking hands. My heart stopped beating for a bit as I watched Jongho hold out a gun and point the other end at Hongjoong, whose expression changed from amused to irritated.

"Or you can tell me what you know or I'll put a hole on your head and look for it, myself," Jongho threatened, his hold on the gun firm and absolute.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," Hongjoong's lips curl to a taunting sneer. "What would she say? What's her name again? Y/N?"

Flashes of memories go through my head one by one. I still remember the day we first kissed. Jongho was so shy at that time he didn't even want to look at me. It was slow, sweet, and sure. I also remember the first time we laid under the stars and watched the shooting star. My wish back then was for Jongho to stay the way he is. And he told me he would.

What a terrible lie that had been. The Jongho I knew held my hands, not the cold barrel of a pistol.

"Keep her out of this," Jongho snarled, his hands clearly shaking from where I was with rage. "No mafia is going to stop me from destroying all of you if you involve her, so whatever you're thinking, think again."

“You’re the one who should think twice, Jongho,” Hongjoong hissed as he tips the gun away from his face with his. “We have an audience.”

My heart exploded then and there when Hongjoong’s eyes met mine. He was smirking, but there was a hint of regret in his eyes, something he didn’t hide. How did he know I was here? Had he known I was eavesdropping all this time? It was as if he wanted me to hear everything.

Jongho visibly stiffened before he turned to also look at me with disbelieving eyes. I couldn’t help the tears that threatened to fall from my eyes - he looked utterly defeated and devastated at the sight of me. It was the face of a man whose whole world was falling right before his very eyes.

There was only one expression I could give him - fear.

“Blossom,” Jongho croaked as he dropped his gun, as if it disgusted him, but we both knew it didn’t. “I can explain…”

Before I knew it, I was running away from the scene - away from Jongho - like if I pretended that I wasn’t there, then surely none of those happened. I ran as fast as I with my wobbling legs as I heard the back door swing open and slam close, signaling that Jongho was here.

I felt like free falling, what had my beloved become? Who was this criminal living with me? What had he dragged me into now that there was someone like Hongjoong who knew I existed and how important I was to Jongho? I was no fool, despite my emotions, I knew what their conversation insinuated.

And then the regret came. If I had held onto Jongho a little tighter five years ago, would he be the same person I once knew? If I had just searched for him a little harder back then, would I have pulled him away from this darkness that clouded him?

It hurt seeing the love of my life transform into something I knew he wasn’t.

I screamed bloody murder when I felt a hand hold my arm like a vice, refusing to let go. “Y/N, look at me,” he demanded with the same authoritative voice he used outside. When he saw the fear in my eyes, he softened.

“No, Jongho, get away from me!” I cried out as I tried to pull my arm away, but it only resulted in him holding them tighter. “Jongho!”

“No,” he growled. “We’re going to talk---Y/N!”

Somehow, through pure adrenaline, I was able to twist my arm free from him to quickly enter my room and lock the door shut. My heart was about to fly out of my ribcage with the emotions I was feeling and I didn’t even know which one to acknowledge first.

“Y/N! Open the fucking door!” Jongho shouted as he violently rammed on the door like it was a punching bag. “You better not let me catch you once I break this fucking door! Open it!”

I broke down sobbing as all the energy left my body. I sank down by the corner of my room, burying my face in my knees while I covered my ears with both my hands to block out Jongho’s violent rage outside the door. Each bang had me jumping out of my skin, the terrifying sound rattling my head.

This wasn’t my Jongho, I kept chanting to myself like a crazed person, but I can’t deny it any longer.

I knew this wasn't him the moment he stepped inside the house. He was different - he was angrier, more temperamental, soulless - and all this time, I kept making excuses for him, but I can’t anymore.

I screamed in terror when the doorknob was kicked with force and Jongho used that opportunity to slam the door open. When he tried to march towards me, I screamed again as I backed away.

“Don’t come near me!” I sobbed pitifully, my shaking legs almost giving out from the weight of my emotions.

Jongho looked devastated. He kept reaching out to me but all I did was back away and shout at him. “Please, love, please,” his voice cracked. “I’m not going to hurt you, please don’t look at me like that…”

“Like what?” I glared at him as I felt my blood pressure rise to a dangerous level. Something in him snapped with how mad I sounded.

"Like I'm vile," he spat, his glare leveling mine. "Like I'm a monster. You don't know anything, so quit it."

I scoffed loudly. It ticked him off but I didn't stop. I feel like I was slowly losing myself to this massive disconnect from reality. I am losing my mind.

"Does the man become the monster, or the monster become man?" Uncontrollable tears were now falling from my eyes. Something snapped and all I saw was red.

But I wasn't the only one. "Yeah, you think you're smart?" Jongho laughed out loud like the maniac he had become in my eyes. It was the type that seeped through my bones. "You want to know what I did? You really want to know?"

Without breaking eye contact, he pulled out the same gun I saw earlier and he disassembled it right in front of me. He wasn't gentle with it either, he was rough; deliberate. I nearly jumped out of my skin when he slammed the remnants of it by the bedside table I had. 

"I've used this far too many times that I can remember," he hissed. "You think that this is some sort of game that I can just pause just because this life isn't going according to what you want right now? You think that this world revolves around you?"

He spat on the ground as I felt the sinews of my heart break. "Did you honestly think I was that same man you knew before, Y/N? Did you honestly think that we could ever go back to being the same?"

"You said it yourself, didn't you?" I snapped. "There was nothing left to take---"

"So hate me for the things I've done!" Jongho raised his voice before he rubbed his face, frenzied. "But not for what I've now become."

I was at a loss for words, taken aback with how frantic we both had become in each other's presence. "We're basically strangers now," I gritted my teeth. "You have no right to talk about this like you're the victim!"

Jongho's face melted into something of concern when he realized that my sanity was slowly slipping away from me. I laughed, and then I laughed some more, and then I cried. I cried so hard even Jongho was surprised at all the hurt I was holding in. 

"Everybody kept telling me to move on, to find someone else when they see how lonely I've become," I took a deep breath, but all that did was strengthen my resolve to break something. "They don't get it, I physically, mentally cannot move on."

"I gave you five years to do it," Jongho said as if it was so simple. Everything stopped all at once, except for the 

That did it. I screamed, that spiral within me surging my voice to let out all the pain, the anger, the melancholy. The need to hit and destroy something became so overwhelming and worst of all, I had no idea how to let it all out.

"I hate you!" I wailed as I swiped everything I saw - glass, paper, furniture - anything. Jongho tried to go to me but all I did was hit him in the chest. "I hate you! You don't know, Choi Jongho, I was driven to madness with denial, you make me fucking sick!"

He narrowly avoided me as I tried to lunge at him. "Stop this!" Jongho hissed. I can feel the anger in me start to form. All the denial, the hate, was overtaking me.

I tried to thrash away in panic when I felt Jongho's hands steady me, the remorse and sorrow evident on his face, because he knows - he knows that he did this to me. He drove me to my insanity.

"Shh, baby, please," Jongho shushed as he tried to hold me, but my adrenaline was stronger than the both of us. "It's okay, shh, I'm sorry, I'm here now---"

"No!" I shrieked, my throat not being able to take it. I punched, kicked, scratched at anything, my vision was black. "You killed what was left of the good in me! Let me go!"

"I got you, my love, I got you," Jongho hushed me like I was a child that needed comfort and reaffirmation. "Just like that, let it out on me..."

My screams were muffled when Jongho brought me to his chest. He held my arms behind me for good measure and it was when everything came crashing down. I sobbed pitifully in the arms of the very man I swore to love and hate for as long as I lived.

"You're doing good, baby, let it out," Jongho rubbed all over my back. "Everything's going to be okay..."

"Jongho, please," I begged as he kissed the top of my head over and over again. "I'm so exhausted, please let me be broken..."

"How?" he whispered. "You're not broken, stop saying that."

I couldn't feel my body when Jongho laid me down on the bed. All I did was stare at the ceiling while he leaned his head on my chest. He stayed like that for a while, unmoving. 

"Stay here," he murmured. I saw his misty eyes when I got up, but he tried his very best to hide it from me. Was he crying for me or was it for the burden I caused him?

I laid there for what felt like forever, the dissociation of my body from my conscious mind weighing heavily in my mind. Everything hurts - my body, my heart, my soul, Jongho. Shame trickled but I couldn't seem to care right now. I had just temporarily lost my mind on Jongho, how was I supposed to look him in the eye again?

All the things I've said, I can't take them back. Not that I would, everything I said was the God-honest truth. 

So hate me for the things I've done, but not for what I've now become.

But I could never, ever hate him. It was such a sad way to live, because I knew I'd still love him from the bottom of my heart even if he's worse than a monster. I would take all of him and more, I would give him all of me just so he can always have more backups in case he ever felt empty.

I would kill for him. That's how much I loved him.

"I'm going to bathe you," he said rather than ask when he came back. "We can either do it here so you wouldn't have to walk, or we can go to the bathroom."

I stopped the urge to smile. Leave it to this man to still stay sane and rational even after a horrible mental crisis. I shook my head, indicating that I had no interest in walking, and he took that queue to start undressing me.

There was nothing malicious about it as he stripped me naked. He was deadest focused on soothing me and making me feel better by using the basin and damp cloth on my body. But why did it make me feel worse?

"Was it something I did?" I whispered. I was treading on dangerous waters here. "Was it my fault that you left me?"

While I knew I didn't influence Jongho directly on his decisions, I can't help but believe that everything was my fault as to why he'd turn into the darker side of life. "Where did I go wrong?"

He paused from dabbing the cloth on my chest. I didn't realize how close he was until he looked me straight in the eye. "Is that how you see it?" he asked, his breath fanning my lips as he tucked a stray hair from my face. "You think that this was your fault?"

Fresh set of tears flowed down my eyes, but instead of anger, they were from the loss of out blossoming love. "If not me, then who?" I smiled through them. "C-Can you tell me if there was something that I needed to change in myself back then?"

It stung to ask it, but I had to. Grief passed through Jongho's eyes as he completely stopped what he was doing. It made my heart ache because I've never seen him look this sad before. He set down the cloth back in the basin and he got into the bed beside me. 

He grabbed my chin to make me look at him. "I hate that it seemed you were never enough," he pursed his lips. "Nothing I can do will ever put all your tears back in your eyes, but I can assure you, you were perfect."

In that split second before his touch, every nerve in my body and brain was awakened. It's the anticipation of being together in a way that's more than words - in a way that's so completely tangible. The tension was palpable.

"Then tell me all the things that you regret," I coaxed with gentle persuasion as his hand traveled all over my naked body. He hissed, like he was now just realizing that I was in my naked glory right in front of him.

Jongho shook his head. "The regrets are useless in my mind," he murmured, his breathing laboured. "But if I must confess, you never left my damn mind for five years. I never hated that I needed you."

"And if I'm being honest," Jongho leaned in to give my shoulders sweet kisses. "I'm not over you. Never will be."

I tried to cover my modesty by putting my arms on my chest, not that he hasn't seen anything before. He grabbed my hand firmly and set it down. "Don't," he warned.

The way he stared at me had me mesmerized. I've seen this look, but I never noticed how intense they were. His eyes could burn me down, and it was everything I ever needed and wanted. but at the same time, it was the sanest out of all the madness and possessiveness he held.

Jongho was my drug, I realized. I was instantly intoxicated. "You're going to break me," I blurted out before I could stop myself.

Jongho's arms wrapped around my back and in one touch, everything was over. "Then I'm going to make sure I break you in the best way possible."

Our bodies still fit together even after all these years; our lips molded with each other. I was never meant to win - I need him but if I give in, then I lose everything. But losing everything seemed so little in comparison.

I feel his hand wrap around my hair and tug it lightly and it makes me sigh a little in between our kisses. "I love the little sounds you make," he murmured as he tugged my hair harder. He tugged it so hard, my head fell backwards.

"Jongho," I groaned at the inexplicable pleasure the pain brought.

My hands tightened their grip on his shirt as his hands traveled everywhere, each touch igniting a fire that cannot be extinguished. "You've always been mine," I felt his hand move from my cheeks to my mouth. "Even if you were with someone else, you were still mine. Tell me, did you let anyone touch you?"

I was at a loss for words. His thick, veiny hands suddenly wrapped itself around my throat, his eyes were cold as his gaze remained determined. I squeaked when Jongho tightened the choke. The pleasure was insurmountable. We've never had it rough during our time together and the very thought of happening now made my stomach churn in excitement.

"No," I breathed out. "Only you."

"That's right," he chuckled darkly. I let out a soft squeal when he licked a stripe on my exposed neck. "God knows what I'd do if I found out you did. Nobody touches my whore but me, yes?"

I felt a small tingle at the base of my spine and I let them spread all over my body. I bit my lip, highly turned on, and it didn't escape Jongho's attention. He smirked, a wicked look that overtook his soft features.

"Aw, is my little slut wet?" he mocked as his hand slowly went down and down. I whined when he stopped directly above my pubic area. He laughed when I tried to gyrate my hips up, but Jongho deliberately pushed me down. "Ah ah ah," he grinned sadistically. "You're not getting                                                                                                 off unless I say so, got it?"

"Then what the hell are we doing this for?" I snapped. 

The moment I said those, I instantly regretted it. His eyes widened at my defiance before he snapped out of it and roughly grabbed my cheeks and squeezed it. It whined because it hurt but it only encouraged him to squeeze even tighter.

”You misunderstand something,” he began. “I have no problem leaving you here dripping while you beg for your hole to get fucked, but let’s get one thing straight.”

His words sent a chill through me, and his voice was this smooth, dangerously low tone, but it was sharp and firm. “You’re mine. You know what that means? I get to do whatever I want with you. You just have to say ‘yes’.”   

I know I shouldn’t as this was far from my personality, but I was to be a brat for him just to see how he’d discipline me. “Go fuck yourself,” I hissed.

He raised a brow, smirking at the game I was playing. He begins to pull me forward as his lips finally create their mark on my skin. And then, he bit my shoulders as hard as he could. Wetness rushed through my core at the intense pain, but when he didn’t let go, I screamed in protest.

"Say you're sorry," he murmurs softly. I feel the hairs at the back of my neck rise.

"I'm not saying sor--"

My voice is cut off as he shoves two fingers into my mouth. "If you’re not going to, then I’d rather you keep your mouth shut," he sneered in that condescending tone I know so well.

His thick wet fingers slid from my mouth when he saw me tremble. He effortlessly towered over me when he laid me down and for a second, his facade fell as his eyes searched mine for permission. Despite the haze, I smiled at him, and before I knew it, his lips were on mine.

It was more intense than when we made out before. It was raw and it left both of us breathless. It could have made tears in my eyes; I could tell he was pouring all the things he couldn’t tell me in this one single kiss. I mewled when I felt his roam all over me while our tongues were tangled in a fierce battle for dominance.

I felt his hand go lower and lower until I felt that telltale pleasure I’ve been craving for. “Mmm,�� I let out a breathy moan when Jongho’s finger traced my slit. “P-Please…”

”Take it then,” he groaned when he put a finger inside. My fingers grip the sheets as every thrust of his finger made me moan louder and louder.

He didn’t stay long in there but he made up for it when he began to stroke my throbbing clit. His other hand made its way up one of my swollen nipples, flicking it the same time as he did down there made me almost come undone.

’”That’s enough,” he deadpanned as he suddenly stopped and then he pulled away.

”Jongho!” I whined in frustration, pressing my thighs together to find relief, but he grabbed them so I wouldn’t be able to do anything. The only sign that he was into this like I am was the big tent on his crotch.

I blushed profusely. Years and years of pent up sexual frustration was getting to me, and now that Jongho was right here in front of me watching me almost beg for his cock, the feeling was exhilarating.

“Come here,” he growled. I squealed when he suddenly spread my legs and got in between them.

It was embarrassing but I couldn’t even think of that because he suddenly buried his face in my pussy. He hooks my legs up his shoulders and the intensity of his tongue had me dizzy with pleasure. “Jongho—”

”Less talking, more moaning,” he demanded with a painful squeeze to my thighs.

I didn’t need to be told twice. Pleasure rips through me as he lapped on my cunt like he was a starved man. When I tried to wriggle away, he snaked his arms around my thighs, effectively locking me down into place. Suddenly, he slapped my ass, tongue still working on my clit.

“Fucking hell, Jongho, love,” a long moan came out from me when the sting of his slap added to my growing pleasure.  He did it again, his palms smacking my behind so hard, I jut forward the bed. And he does it again, and again, and again. It left me a blubbering mess as I uttered his name like a prayer.

”You little slut,” he hissed. Slap. “Yes, take it.“ Slap. “Fuck, you look beautiful like this,” Slap. “Take it, take it.” Slap. “Fucking take it!”

”Jongho, please, please!” I cried in mixed pain and pleasure. I was pretty sure I’d bruise the next day because my skin felt very raw. 

“Beg for it,” Jongho sucked and lapped my juices again. “Come on, Y/N, beg for it like the whore you are.”

”Please, please, please!” I sobbed, tears falling from my eyes. He groaned at my pitiful state. “Make me come, please! I really, really love you, please!”

I screamed when he inserted two fingers inside me and began sliding them in and out, the wet sounds of my pussy rivaling how loud my moans were. “That’s what I want to fucking hear,” he chuckled darkly. “Say it again. Look at me when you say it.”

I arched my back involuntarily as I chased that high Jongho was willing to give me. His fingers pistoned in and out and I rocked my hips against him to meet his thrusts. “I love you, Jongho, I love you,” I choked out. I was overstimulated, the line between pleasure and pain blurring out.

He goes faster, if it is possible. My moans were desperate, I couldn’t take it anymore. “Then come,” he demanded. “If you really love me, then fucking come for me.”

The force of my orgasm had me reeling with a loud scream. It had me seeing white for the first time in a while as my back arched into an angle where it would have been unnatural had it not been for the quivering climax Jongho's fingers subjected me into.

He leaned in and gave me sweet kisses all over my face. "You okay, love?" Jongho murmured softly. I wrapped my arms around his neck and nodded. "Good. Because now I need my fill."

It took me a minute to recover and my eyes widened at his crudeness. He smiles sadistically. "I don't care if you can't take it. I'm going to fuck you anyway."

I whimpered in response, my entire body flushing with heat as my pussy clenched onto nothing. I could not believe that I was getting off to Jongho being this dominant and rough. It certainly scratched that itch I've been trying to relieve for a while now.

I did not want to just have sex, I needed to get fucked.

"I can see it in your eyes, you know?" he chuckled as he slowly undressed himself. My mouth ran dry when I finally got a glimpse of his body - he was huge. That included his cock. "You need to be taken, pounded like the fucktoy you are."

He grabbed my hair and aligned my mouth to his throbbing erection. "Suck," he demanded. He didn't wait for me to accommodate him, he just straight up thrusted in my mouth until he bottomed out.

I gagged but he didn't stop right there. My muffled chokes spurred him on, my eyes started to water as tears rolled down my cheeks and saliva mixed with his salty precum started to drip to my chin. He groaned, low and breathy, picking up a good angle as his balls started to slap against my chin.

"You dirty little whore," he growled, gripping my hair tightly. "You love choking on my cock, don't you?"

I whispered a sound of agreement, because he was right. I did love it. Suddenly, he pulled out from me. I tried to breathe, but clearly, Jongho had other plans. He got on top of me and aligned his shaft to my entrance.

“Ready?” Jongho bit his lip when I nodded. We both let out a groan when he finally entered me, bottoming out in one go. “I missed this,” he thrusts once. “I can’t believe I lasted this long without this cunt.”

"P-Please move,” I moaned. “I need to feel you—”

I began to spiral at the intimacy and at how hard he was thrusting into me. The feel of him stretching my already abused pussy was what got me. His instantaneous domination towards me as he plunged deeper and deeper inside me almost tipped me to the very edge of that white chasm I’ve been craving to fall into.

“Fuck, baby, you’re fucking killing me like this,” he hissed when I squeezed my cunt on his cock. “You like my cock filling you up?”

It didn't take long before I was squealing with wild abandon and trembling with how rough he was being. It was filthy fucking; the only sounds in the room were skins slapping against each and other the bed creaking. He looked down at his cock sliding in and out of my dripping cunt and I could tell the sight pushed him over the edge.

"Jongho, fuck! Yes, fuck me harder,” I sobbed.

"Shut the fuck up,” he sneered. He fucked harder anyway and I gasped when he wraps his hands on my neck. “You do not tell me what to do, yeah?”

His hand squeezed my throat, his grip strengthening, but he really wasn't really choking me yet. It was more like holding me in my place. His eyes widened and I closed my eyes in shame when we both felt my pussy gush. “Holy hell,” he grinned. “Didn’t know you liked that.”

“Only when you do it,” I moaned.

At first, the sensation was ecstatic, but when Jongho actually started getting carried away, I tried to pull at his elbow. I didn’t want to come yet, so I tried again, but Jongho didn’t budge. “Take your hand off or I will actually choke you,” he threatened.

I bit back a whimper but I obeyed anyway. “J-Jongie, if you k-keep doing it, g-gonna come…”

“Hold it. I haven’t allowed you yet,” he leaned forward until his face was inches from mine. “You are going to obey. Not because I forced you, not because of any punishment, not because you need to, and not even because you want to.”

His lips claim mine in a stormy kiss. “You are going to do it because you are mine. Clear?”

I moaned, my lips pressed firm against his.  Without breaking the kiss, Jongho reached around my waist, lowering it until he reached my ass. He pulled me closer and the angle of him pressing my ass up to meet his thrusts made him groan into my mouth erotically.

My hands weren't idle, reaching around him, one sliding to his head and running through his hair, and the other feeling the muscles in his back. I dug my nails onto his back when his cock touched my cervix and he growled against my skin. 

“Do it again,” he groaned. I did as told and I scratched his back and dug my nails as hard as I could. “Fuck, Y/N, fuck!”

That did it for me. His high pitched moans always had me reeling, especially now that I felt the familiar tickle of another orgasm threatening to rip onto me and Jongho’s thrusts were getting sloppier  as he chased his own high.

"Look at me real quick," he urged. I did as told. "I love you, Y/N. More than you’ll ever know," he whispered as he tucked the stray hairs away from my eyes. "No matter what happens, I will always love you."

The desperation in his eyes scared me a bit. I blinked back the sudden sting of my tears as my emotions drove me greater heights of pleasure. Those three words were what I longed to hear all these years. “You’re not going to leave?” I choked.

”Love, that broken bridge was repaired a month prior, and I’m still here,” he gulped. “You can come now, give it to me.”

I came on command. It was the most intense orgasm Jongho had ever delivered to me.  I twisted and writhed underneath him as his thrusts began to speed up with his own orgasm.

He ignored my shrieks of overstimulation as he fucked me harder and harder.  His thrusts were becoming more and more erratic, and with trembling hands, I reached down and massaged his balls. With one hard thrust and a loud roar, Jongho came inside me, splattering my walls with his cum. 

Between ragged breaths, the both of us slowly came down from our euphoric high. "Was I too rough on you?" Jongho asked softly. Long gone was the sex demon. "Are you hurt?"

"No," I mumbled under my breath. "A bit sore since it's been a while. You were perfect."

"Mmm," he hummed in response. I gasped a bit when he suddenly stood up and began to carry me. "Let's get you cleaned up," was all he said before he started walking to the bathroom. 

I was so out of it that the next thing I knew was that we were both soaking in the bathtub, just enjoying each other's presence. I have never felt so peaceful in my life until now.

"Do you want me to wash your hair?" he thoughtfully asked.

"No, not now," I shook my head. "Just relax with me, are you okay with that?"

He hummed again. This was how he was, he never really talked a lot, and I was perfectly fine with it. I sat perfectly still in between Jongho's legs, leaning my head back on his chest as he played with my hair.

"You know what my biggest fears were during the five years we were apart?" Jongho suddenly said out of the blue just when I was about to fall asleep.

"No," I frowned. I was under the assumption that he was too preoccupied to focus on my memory back then. "What were they?"

"That I'll only remember your face, but not your name," he kissed my temple and his lips lingered there. "That I'd forget you, but not the time we spent."

𝐎𝐂𝐓𝐎𝐁𝐄𝐑 𝟏𝟏, 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟏

We fell in love in September. It was as if no time had passed between the two of us and we resumed that flame that once burned for our love.

"Smile," I urged him as I raised the camera so I could take an updated selfie of the two of us.

At first, he rolled his eyes at my antics, but he smiled anyway and leaned closer to me. "Happy?" Jongho flicked my nose playfully. "You owe me something."

I giggled and I leaned forward to kiss him on the cheek but my eyes widened when he suddenly turned so our lips met instead. I felt him smile through the kiss and I knew he wanted to make out but I was laughing too much to continue.

His love was so warm and call me corny, but everything he did was so cute to me and I just wanted to explode.

He was my home. I have never felt more alive than when I was with Jongho. I know what love feels like - it feels beautiful, but it also hurts like nothing else. I suppose this 'true love', we always endured despite everything.

He was becoming less and less tense, something I never thought ever since he lost his temper back then when that man - Hongjoong - came around to visit. I wasn't dumb, I knew Jongho was doing something shady, but I digress.

At this point, I don't want to know what Jongho has been doing in his spare time the last five years. Whatever it was, I can live not knowing what happened so long as Jongho stays with me like this for the rest of our days.

He may not be the Jongho I once and loved, but I was willing to love this new version of him even more.

"Why don't you get ready? Wear your best dress," he said when we broke apart. "Let's go out for dinner. My treat."

"You always treat me," I frowned. "Let's split."

"Would that make you feel better?" he wondered. "I don't believe in that stereotype, blossom. I just want food."

I laughed, but nodded anyway. "It would. You're my boyfriend, Jongho, not my bank account."

"It really isn't like that, but whatever you say," he shrugged. "How long will you take?"

I told him thirty minutes, but unfortunately, when he saw me in this black bodycon dress I purchased years ago, we got a bit frisky and let it out of our systems before we actually went out and drove.

"We're going to be late at our reservation, Jongie. Seriously?" I frowned as I hurried to do my makeup quickly using the side mirror of the car.

He scoffed after he parked. "Oh, please. You love my cum---"

"Anyway," I hissed, to which he laughed out loud. "Let's go, sex always makes me hungry."

"Well, I already had my fill," he shrugged. I stared at him, flabbergasted because there were people around us and they most definitely heard what he insinuated.

Jongho took me to the local steakhouse where Mingi worked part-time as a waiter. He was unimpressed as he begrudgingly trudged towards our table. "It's going to be chilly soon, you guys want to go inside?" Mingi offered.

"I've been cooped up in the house, fresh air is nice," I smiled as I gestured at the outdoor tables.

"What would you guys have?" Mingi asked in his professional mode. Jongho was about to speak when got cut off. "I wasn't asking you," he hissed.

"Song Mingi," I frowned. "Be nice."

"Let him," Jongho smirked as he chewed on the free bread given to us. "He was about to just leave, weren't you, Mingi?"

Mingi rolled his eyes but left anyway along with our order. I frowned when Jongho reached out for my hand across the table. "Did you really have to be like that to him?" I asked.

"No," he replied. "But I wanted to anyway."

"Choi Jongho!" I was slightly appalled. All Jongho did was stare blankly at me. Without breaking eye contact, he sensually kissed my palm. I reddened automatically.

"L/N Y/N," he teased playfully, taking great pleasure at my shyness.

"Come on, can't you be serious for once?" I pouted.

"I am being serious," he laughed, his beautiful smile filling in his precious face.

I stared at him, unimpressed. "Are you jealous of my closeness to Mingi?"

"Yes," he immediately answered. "A thousand percent."

My eyes widened in mild surprise. Something that never, ever changed in him was his jealousy. I wasn't expecting him to actually admit to it straight up because back then, he always denied being jealous.

"My baby bear, you know there's no point in feeling this way," I sighed, wrapping my hand in his. "You're the only one for me."

"It better stay that way," he smirked. He sat straighter to look at me, but then his smile dropped off a bit.

I didn't think of it at first, but then I gasped when his hold on my hand became tighter. I bit my lip, slightly ashamed that I was getting turned on by his light aggression. I waited for him to say something, but he stayed still in his seat.

I thought he was messing with me. I mean, the way he was staring at me could have melted me faster than the sun. It was intense, and if I'm being honest, it instilled fear in me.

"Jongho?" I called out softly when I realized that he wasn't going to say something. His eyes narrow down into dangerous slits. "You're scaring me..."

His grip on my hand tightens with a force. It wasn't enough to hurt, but it was enough for me to worry. My eyes widened at the gesture, and when I took a closer look at him, I realized that he wasn't directing his stare at me, but behind me.

Had he seen something, or worse, someone that made him so tense? I was genuinely concerned now, Jongho only acted like this whenever I tried to pry about his departure five years ago. I straightened up, maybe this was related to it?

"Do you trust me?" Jongho stopped me from looking behind me. I nodded, albeit hesitantly. His next words made me freeze.

"Then whatever happens, do not turn around. Act normal."

I tried my best to mask the fear that was overriding my body right now; the panic that scattered my brain. The hairs at the back of my neck suddenly rose, and I couldn't help but feel that someone was watching us from behind me. Or was that the paranoia talking?

Jongho suddenly motioned for me. "Pretend that you're going to give me a kiss," he ordered. When he saw my rigidness, his glare softened. "Please do as I say," he whispered, desperation evident in his voice.

"Jongho, what's going on?" My voice was shaky.

"I have no fucking time for this," he hissed, eyes widening in surging panic. "You either do it now, or we both die."

My breathing was erratic and the thumping of my heart was escalating. All the while, I thought that whatever Jongho was hiding from me was never going to hunt us down, or at least, not for a while. Suddenly, Hongjoong and Jongho's conversation floated in my head.

"You know they're just going to find you, correct?"

"Of course, I do. You play me for a fool."

"That's all I know. I won't tell anyone you're here, but if I were you, I would do something about it."

I thought wrong. With a deep breath, I stood up and leaned my head towards Jongho, as if I really was just going for an innocent kiss. 

"Stay still," he whispered when I got close enough. My breath hitched when Jongho drew his gun and it dawned on me that he basically used me as a shield so whoever was watching couldn't see.

"Remember what I told you that night?" Jongho asked when I sat back down. I gulped and nodded, my eyes still staring at the concealed weapon that he hid in his inner pocket. "Answer me."

"Yes, I-I remember," I stammered, rubbing my hands together to stop them from shaking so much. "I'm scared..."

He told me he will always love me no matter what happened, how could I forget? His eyes softened. "On the count of three," he began. "Get up, run, and never look back."

My heart exploded then and there. "What? No!" I winced when he attempted to shush me. "I am not leaving you, Jongho, please!"

Jongho's brows furrowed and he opened his mouth to say something but he froze when he realized that Mingi was approaching us with our ordered food. He cursed under his breath and tried to signal Mingi to stop walking.

Mingi, though visibly confused, does stop walking. But it was a mistake on Jongho's end, because whoever was watching had caught on.

"Get down, get down!" Jongho yelled when the first shot rang from a distance. My gasp was cut off from Jongho grabbing my arm painfully and dragging me down with him under the table.

Screams erupted from all over as the other patrons who came to eat had panicked all around us. Mingi dropped the food, startled, and immediately came running to me. "You both okay?" he asked when he ducked down along with us.

His eyes widened when he saw Jongho holding a pistol and then narrowed into slits. "What the hell have you gotten yourself into?" Mingi growled in annoyance.

"No time to explain," Jongho looked left and right, up and down, to check for more gunmen. He turned to Mingi hurriedly. "This table," he tapped it with his gun. "Let's use this as a barricade."

Both of them wasted no time quickly grabbing the heavy wooden table we were supposed to eat on and pushing it down. I tried to help by kicking the chairs away from us. I got startled onto ducking back down when more shots were fired in the air.

"Fucking hell," Jongho cursed out loud, jutting the arm that held the gun and aimed at that distance with precision. Mingi and I looked at each with worry and we both turned our eyes on Jongho's murderous form.

"Where's the quickest exit?" Jongho recoiled his pistol and bullet shells fell on the ground. Shivers travelled through my spine at how experienced Jongho seemed at doing gunfights.

Mingi pointed quickly to a door that was near us. Jongho cursed loudly, it wasn't difficult to go to the door, but we would be exposed to the dangers of getting shot.

I flinched when another shot rang into the air and then screamed when a bullet landed inches away from where we were.

"On my count, both of you will run as fast as you both can to the door. I'll follow after," Jongho ordered both of us. But Mingi wasn't having it.

"Are you kidding me?" he gritted his teeth. "Whoever's out there will shoot us down!"

"And you'd rather we get shot here?" Jongho retorted back, rage etched on his face. It made him look terrifying, like I didn't know him to begin with.

Mingi raised his arm to try and push some sense into Jongho, but the latter put his gun up and pointed the barrel directly in between the former's brows. Mingi froze in his place. "I need her out of here," Jongho took one good look at me before glaring again at Mingi. "I won't hesitate to shoot you if it means getting your ass up to move."

"Fuck you," Mingi spat venomously at him. 

Jongho pulled the safety lever and positioned his finger in the trigger and Mingi visibly flinched. My jaw dropped and I called out for him to stop, but he ignored me. "I'm not playing with you, Song Mingi," he growls, his voice low and dangerous. "Do it."

"Just calm down, okay?" Mingi nervously laughed. Jongho cocks his head in my direction and Mingi gets moving. I was terrified - I could tell Jongho wasn't joking; he will shoot Mingi.

He positioned me in front of him and lowered my head down so my whole body was completely hidden. "Ready?" Mingi asked me softly.

Tears started to blur my vision. Tonight was supposed to be a good time, but alas, nothing really lasts forever - even guilty pleasures.

Jongho started the countdown, and the moment he said three, me and Mingi started running as fast as we could.

I yelped when I heard Jongho fire another shot in the air. I made the mistake of looking back and I almost stuttered in my steps when I saw two masked men running faster and faster in our directions while their big rifles were pointed at us.

My stomach started to churn along with the burn of my running legs - people want Jongho dead. And Jongho want these people dead. A question kept lingering in my mind, how many has he killed? How long has he been doing this?

"Hurry!" Mingi's deep, booming voice screamed for Jongho, his arms motioning for Jongho to move faster when the both of us went through the exit door. 

Jongho moved with deadly purpose. Little by little, my heart shattered as I watched him shoot two shots and hit someone square in the chest with his bullets. Mingi's hold on the door loosened as he watched the bloodbath along with me.

He was so close to the door too, all he had to do was sprint and Mingi would be able to close the door so the people firing at us wouldn't be able to enter the parking lot. 

I slowly realized that the man I loved was killing people left and right like it was nothing to him. It made me sick to my stomach, but what got me was the fact that my love for him never lessened even one bit. Even if he killed twice the amount, I'd still love him. It was sickening.

"Close the fucking door and go!" Jongho screamed at us as he unloaded more bullets at anyone he saw fit to shoot. He made eye contact with me, and for a split second, there was a flash of pain, but it was gone before he could shoot one more time.

"I hate you, Jongho, but I don't want you to die," Mingi snapped. "So get in here before I actually close this door on you!

It all happened in a matter of seconds. It seemed to snap Jongho into moving towards us, and so he started to run. The moment his foot stepped past the door, Mingi shut the door firmly and the three of us started running.

"You okay, love?" Jongho quickly grabbed me and kissed my head as we sprinted towards no direction in mind.

I nodded, the fear clear as day in my eyes. It hurt to see Jongho's resignation as he put the gun away back in his holster, something I didn't even notice when we left the house.

"We can't use my car," Jongho sighed loudly in irritation. "They know what it looks like." 

"Let's use mine then," Mingi began to run in the opposite direction of where we started from and Jongho and I had no choice but to follow him.

The aftermath was anticlimactic. Jongho directed Mingi to drive around in circles so we wouldn't have a tail, but we quickly went right back in track when we realized that we weren't even followed out. They both argued about what had just happened and in normal circumstances, I would have been happy about it. They were both like this even back in high school.

When Mingi dropped both of us at my house, I opted to enter first because those two were still fighting and I could hear them from the inside. I had no choice but to just watch from the window.

"You son of a bitch, what kind of trouble did you bring back to town?" Mingi shouted aggressively.

"Watch your fucking mouth," I heard Jongho hiss.

"Or what?" Mingi taunted, using one hand to viciously push Jongho around. "You're gonna shoot me?"

Jongho hissed in pain, clutching his arm where he had been pushed. Mingi gasped out so loud, it caught me off guard. His whole hand was red and covered in blood.

"Jongho?" Mingi worriedly went to him and quickly grabbed his arm. "You're bleeding---"

My world shattered right then and there and I blanked out as I hurriedly ran towards Jongho and stared at his bleeding arm. "Y-You were shot?" I squeaked in fear when I realized that his whole jacket was soaked wet with blood.

"Get out of here, Mingi," Jongho groaned in pain, making both me and the taller man panic. "In case they find us here, I can only protect one of you..."

Mingi hesitated, regret filling his entire face, but he knew Jongho was right. After quickly saying goodbye and informing us that he'll stay with Wooyoung for now, he drove off away from the house and hopefully away from trouble.

"Don't cry, my pretty love," Jongho chuckled when we finally relaxed and sat on the couch. "It was a graze, nothing to worry about..."

"Nothing to worry about?" Angry tears started to fall from my eyes. "Jongho, you scared the living hell out of me!"

Now that all of the adrenaline has worn off, my chest exploded and tears just started flowing out of me. I didn't want to cry, I wasn't the type to cry at anything in general, but I couldn't stop the overwhelming emotions that overtook all my senses.

"Nothing to be scared of, see?" Jongho tried to cheer me up when he took his jacket off and showed me that indeed, it was just a graze, but it didn't stop me from paling at the sight of his wound.

I blinked the remaining tears away, though at this point I wasn't sure where it was coming from - anxiety, exhaustion, or paranoia. It could be anything. I quickly got to work on the first aid kit and started patching him up.

"Are you ever going to tell me?" I sniffled as I wrapped the gauze all over his bulky arms. "That was an experience, Jongho, don't you think I deserve to know?"

Jongho flexed his arms before he lifted me up and sat me on his lap. He buried his head on my shoulders. "I'm sorry," his muffled voice said. "But I can't."

I sighed deeply, not at all surprised at his response. What he failed to understand was that I don't care about what he did, I just wanted to know if it was going to happen again. "You know I'm willing to endure everything for you?"

Jongho froze. He slowly lifted his head up to meet my eyes. There was an expression I thought I'd never, ever see in those beautiful eyes - fear.

His brows raised at the statement though, eyes roaming all over my face to search for any lies. "Yeah?"

I nodded, leaning down to give his lips a quick peck. "I mean it, Jongho. You could destroy this entire planet and I'd still stick by you."

His grip on my waist tightened and I thought it was because he was grateful for my words, but when Jongho's eyes hardened to a steely resolve, I started to panic. He was staring at me with this deep, unsettling eyes that I couldn't tell if it was awe, sadness, or anger.

"D-Did I say anything wrong?" 

"No," he shook his head, his knuckles softly grazing my cheeks. "I just never realized how far I'd go to keep you safe."

I swallowed a lump in my throat. "Come on," I urged him to get up. "Let's go rest. It's been a long night."

Sleeping would prove to be difficult tonight. I had a lot of things to think about, but so did Jongho. The only difference was he had a lot of things that kept him awake at night and he was currently the reason why I couldn't sleep tonight.

"Y/N?" Jongho called out of the blue as we both laid down in the darkness. I hummed a response. "If I hadn't knocked on your door a couple of months ago, would you have already moved on from me by now?"

His question caught me completely off guard. "Probably not," I answered him truthfully. "You?"

"Ten years would have passed and I'd still love you the same, if not more," he whispered. "Have you ever hated me?"

"Absolutely," I replied without missing a beat. "I went mad being in love with you. I lost myself loving you and to this day, there are still parts of me I can never get back again."

Jongho heaved a weighted sigh. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You did what you felt was right, and I was well within my rights to bear whatever made me feel right."

"Right. Why didn't you give out your heart again?"

I couldn't help but chuckle without humour. "It's not that. I don't want to trust my heart to anyone. Why are you asking these anyway?"

"No reason," Jongho yawned. "I was just curious."

I didn't reply. I had a terrible feeling that sank in my stomach, but I decided to ignore it for now. Maybe it was just the adrenaline rush of it all, being in a near death situation puts your mind in dangerous places.

Moments later, Jongho’s breathing evened out and that’s how I knew he was already sleeping. I watched him sleep for a little, he looked so peaceful, as if he wasn’t the man who used a gun so flawlessly, you’d think he was in an action movie of some sorts. He was a ghost of the man I used to know.

It was the worst sleep of my life. It wasn’t even this bad when I was heartbroken when he left. All the events of what happened tonight kept replaying in my head and I kept waking up in a cold sweat. I would go back to sleep and then wake up again. It was such a vicious cycle.

“Is everything okay, blossom?” Jongho asked me the next day when he noticed me spacing out in our living room.

"Huh? Oh, yes. Everything's okay," I lied through my teeth.

I couldn't possibly tell him that I was apprehensive about something that I couldn't put my finger on. There was this feeling in my gut, and there was another in my heart and they were both so contradictory that I didn't know which one to believe in right now.

My gut said that something was wrong, but my heart was telling me to trust Jongho a little more this time.

"Are you sure?" Jongho hugged me from behind and kissed my shoulders. He pointed at the purse I was holding. "Going out?"

"The grocery store. I want to make dinner for you since we couldn't enjoy last night," I turned around and looped my arms around his neck and pressed a chaste kiss on his lips. "Happy Birthday, my love."

He smirked. "You remembered?"

"Of course I did. I celebrated it every year even after you left," I admitted, shame suddenly creeping up on me.

His eyes softened and he grabbed my face and gave it little peppered kisses. "I love you," he whispered. "More than you will ever understand."

He pulled me into a hug. It was the tightest hug I've ever received from him. "For as long as we both exist in this life, I am all yours," he breathed me in. "I will always go to you. If I can't walk, I will crawl. If they take my sight, I'd give up my eyes to see you one more time. No matter how broken I am, I will never stop fighting for you..."

He kissed my forehead tenderly. "You're my everything."

Tears began to prick at the back of my eyes. "Is everything okay?" I frowned. "You're freaking me out."

"No. Just wanted to let you know how I felt for you," he chuckled. He urged me to the door. "Run along to the groceries, love. Wouldn't want to miss that dinner for anything else."

I shrugged and went out the door to hurry up and get going, but not before looking back, only to see Jongho already staring at me. For a moment, we just stared at each other. Something wasn't sitting right with +me. 

He mouthed for me to go with a small smile and an even smaller wave of his hand. The further I walked away, it was as if Jongho's was also slowly slipping away from me.

I couldn't concentrate on shopping. The goal was to get some stuff for Jongho's birthday, yet every time I stopped in an aisle, I would pause and space out, only for me to forget what I was in there for. The process would repeat and I was losing my mind.

On the other hand, his declaration of love for me made my heart extremely warm. He wasn't one to confess his feelings like that, and so was I. I was so lost inside my head, when I looked down on my cart, there was barely enough stuff in it.

I spaced out so bad that I didn't notice that I bumped onto someone. "I'm sor---Sannie?"

"I've been trying to get your attention for a while now," San frowned. I remembered that he had a shift today. "Are you okay? You look ill."

"I-I don't know," I admitted. "I don't feel so good."

San held my arm and I leaned onto him for support. "Want me to call Wooyoung to take you home?" San offered. "Where's Jongho?"

Something clicked in me at the mention of Jongho's name. I began to pull away from San. "I-I need to go," I murmured before making a run towards the door, not caring if San screamed for my name or the other shoppers looking at me like I just lost my mind.

I ran like hell, tears starting to form in my eyes. That confession meant something. I could hardly breathe, my chest filling with that dread I felt five years ago as my legs started to carry me back to my house. I didn't even realize that I was already crying, salty tears trailed to my mouth as I ran even faster.

I had to pause in my driveway to catch my breath. What would have taken me fifteen minutes of leisure running from the store back here only took me seven minutes in my panic. As I approached the front door, I felt lightheaded from the lack of air in my lungs, my hands were shaking terribly as I pushed the door open.

"Jongho?" I called out. My vision was still blurry with tears, but I was sure Jongho wasn't in my line of sight? "Jongho?!"

The house felt eerie. Not even an hour ago, Jongho and I were here just confessing our love to one another. "Jongho!" I called out louder, kicking the door down to his room in my desperation.

There was no answer, and there was no Jongho.

"Jongho, please," I was sobbing now. "This isn't funny, Jongho!"

I looked all over the house, even though at the back of my head, I knew my love wasn't here anymore. I went back to his room, horrified to find that his clothes were all gone. "J-Jongho," my voice rasped as I ran through every corner of my house, hoping that all of this was a sick joke.

I broke down, my legs wobbling until I crumpled on the floor, and I cried my eyes out. Jongho was gone, and this time, I knew for a fact that he wasn't coming back.

A part of me was hoping that he would come back after a day or two, after all, he did come back to me after five years. But I knew better - that declaration earlier sounded final. I couldn't stop picturing his face when he told me he loved me, I couldn't stop hearing his voice, and that just made me cry even harder than before.

Deep, gut-wrenching sobs and wails slipped past my lips and I buried my face in my hands in a sorry attempt to conceal the harsh sounds of my cries, but it was useless. My heart was so broken, there was a gaping hole in my chest where it used to be.

The force of my own sobs were straining my head and neck, but I couldn't seem to stop. I knew this day would come eventually, that Jongho would one day leave, but I thought we had it so good that he's changed his mind.

And I knew he changed his mind. He wasn't going to leave me anymore. So where was he?

I heard the front door creak open and the gasp that followed at my devastated, crumpled form on the floor. I felt someone kneel next to me, their own sobs filling the room as they tried to help me sit up. At first, my heart had hope, but from the touch, I could instantly tell who it was, and it wasn't Jongho.

"Babe, what's going on?" Wooyoung's panicked voice asked me hurriedly. He was openly sobbing with me. "San called me in hysteria earlier. Come here, oh my God..."

He quickly pulled me into his arms and I fell onto him instantly, burying my face in his chest and clutching shirt as I bawled helplessly. Wooyoung's body was shaking against mine as I felt his own tears fall on my hair. I have never, ever cried like this in front of anyone, and I can tell it was stressing Wooyoung out.

"Just let it out, shh," he hushed me, rocking back and forth to help soothe me, but the only person who could successfully soothe me had left.

"W-Woo," I mewled. "J-Jongho..."

"Did he hurt you?" Wooyoung instantly snarled, ready to beat up the man that wasn't even here anymore.

"Here," I weakly pointed at the center of my chest. "My h-heart..."

I told him everything. From Hongjoong visiting Jongho randomly one night, the gunfight with Mingi - to which his eyes widened and he exclaimed that Mingi never told him, but he could tell the taller was anxious - all the way from today where San saw me spacing out.

"I am so, so sorry. Are you okay?" Wooyoung asked tentatively, worry in his eyes as he helped me to my room. I almost lost control of my emotions then and there.

"Sorry, Wooyoung. You guys are always there to catch me when I'm feeling down," I hiccupped as he wrapped a blanket all over my body to comfort me.

He kneeled in front of me and shook his head. "You're our best friend," he assured. "We're worried about you," he patted my thighs twice. "Let me just call San to tell him you're fine now, okay?"

I wanted to hate Jongho. All this sadness was turning into anger because it was easier to be mad at him than deal with all the grief and loss he bestowed on me. But I couldn't. I had fallen for him twice and it was difficult to ignore the loneliness that was creeping in my heart.

"Yeah, she's good," I heard Wooyoung from outside my door. "I'm more shaken up, you should've seen her, Sannie. She was so broken..."

I could hear San's worried voice from Wooyoung's phone as the former paced all over my house. Tears began to form in my eyes again, but I tried to stop them. I didn't want to worry anyone anymore.

"He left, yes, he did," Wooyoung gritted. "I knew that asshole was trouble, goddamn it, he should've just stayed where he was at---wait."

I frowned at Wooyoung's sudden pause. He began whispering onto the phone and I had to strain my ears to listen to what he was saying.

"...by the kitchen..." Wooyoung's voice trailed off. 

I heard his footsteps get faster and faster and I realized that he was running. I was so confused, especially when I saw him approach me with a letter in his hand. 

"I found this," he handed me the letter, not bearing to look me in the eye. "I think...I'll step out of the house for a bit while you read it."

I eyed the small piece of paper in my hand, not knowing what to do with it exactly. I know it's bad when Wooyoung has to step out. He had the most forlorn, lost, and broken look in his face and it made me so nervous. I wasn't stupid, I know Jongho left me another letter.

I slowly unfolded the paper, and I was correct. Jongho had this distinct penmanship - it was cursive, it was beautiful, and it was his. Tears flowed from my eyes and dripped onto the paper as I read, my hands shaking as I tried not to crumple the paper with how emotional I was being.

You will heal and you will learn how to live without me. Until then, I’m going to set things straight on my end and I will find you when time permits. My soul will find yours again.

𝐃𝐄𝐂𝐄𝐌𝐁𝐄𝐑 𝟏𝟓, 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟏

The pain got worse as time went on. I had no idea how much time had passed, but I assumed it'd been a while.

I had no desire to do anything. My laundry was piled in one messy basket, my garden plants were all dead, any form of self care besides showering and brushing my teeth was beyond me. It wasn't a way to live, I was a shell of my former self.

Sleep wasn't better either. I hardly got enough hours every night. But by far the worst was my solitude. Being alone in my thoughts was such a dangerous thing. 

There were multiple times where I wanted to end everything, but the fact that I wouldn't remember Jongho anymore stopped me. It was such a vicious cycle in my own head and I just want them to stop.

San would always get me my groceries for Wooyoung to cook and Mingi would always force me to eat something. The food was delicious, it was my stomach that was rejecting it because it would churn the moment anything went into it.

I was always worried for them because sometimes I'd hear one of them get emotional at my depressed state, so I knew I had to conquer my demons if I was to not make my friends worry, but how I was supposed to do that? I couldn't even go into Jongho's room without bawling my eyes out.

I wore a hoodie that Jongho left behind and laid myself down on his bed, something I've been doing to cope for the last couple of months. Tears automatically sprung in my eyes. Everything was always so warm in his clothes and on his bed, just like him.

What was worse was that I could still smell him like he was still here. It felt like a blow to my chest. His scent was so strong that I could have sworn he was still here. How long would it take for his presence to completely disappear? How long would it be until this room is nothing but a space full of unwanted memories?

A tear finally slipped down my cheeks. Jongho and I were talking a lot about our future and he always looked so alive whenever we did. I knew he was truly happy. Sometimes, I'd think I was dreaming because I still didn't want to let him go. We were through before we had truly begun.

Jongho told me that I had to live without him. How was I supposed to do that? This darkness always threatened to swallow me whole.

And so I cried. I cried for the love me and Jongho had always meant to have, but never will. I cried for Jongho and the path he took that overtook him. I cried for myself, most of all, because I knew that I was never going to be the same ever again.

As I was about to relapse into another mental breakdown, a loud knocking from my door interrupted me. I quickly wiped all of my tears away and hoped that my face wasn't swollen enough for Wooyoung to berate me, then cry with me.

"I'm coming," I grumbled loudly when more knocking ensued.

It was probably Mingi. I had a doorbell and he knew it, but he always thought of the stupidest things to try and get me up so I couldn't lay down in bed all day. It worked, but sometimes, it pissed me off to no end.

Imagine my surprise when I opened the door and saw that it was not, in fact, Mingi.

"L/N Y/N?" the random stranger asked. I nodded slowly, a little too depressed to even care and ask how this man knew my name and my address.

He wasn't a bad looking man, rather, he looked quite pleasant. He had the most intimidating persona I have ever seen, the aura and energy he gave out made me shrink from where I was standing. He wore this tight fitting business suit that reminded me of CEOs rather than businessmen. 

"C-Can I help you, Sir?"

"It's more like me helping you instead of the other way around," the man gave me a wolfish grin. "We should talk inside."

I frowned, gripping the doorknob tightly and ready to slam it if this man tried something sketchy. Despite the haze of sadness, I was sentient enough to not let in random people, especially as arrogant as this one.

"You're going to want to hear me out," he tried to bargain. "It's about Jongho."

My expression must have been so crestfallen that the smirk that threatened to come out of him slowly disappeared the closer he stared at me. Despite myself, my bottom lip wobbled and I bit on it to stop it from doing it, but to no avail.

"Oh, Lord have mercy, he ruined you," the man sighed. "I give you my word that I am not going to hurt you in any sort of way, so please, let's talk inside."

I had nothing to lose because I had nothing to live for now, so I just let him in anyway. I was semi happy that he had the decency to remove his shoes and sat on my couch after I had sat on it. It was a basic form of respect.

"My name is Park Seonghwa and Jongho works under my department," the man started. "And I owe you an explanation."

I blinked at him multiple times. I don't know what I was expecting, and to be honest, I had no expectations, but I certainly was not expecting that.

"E-Excuse me?" I sputtered out. "Department?"

"Where's your television remote?" Seonghwa asked. I blankly pointed it at him and he clicked my TV open. "There's something I have to show you..."

He kept flipping through different channels until he found the one he was looking for. I was extremely confused, but I decided not to question it and just see what he wanted to show me. Something tells me that I wasn't going to like what I'm about to see.

It was some sort of press conference and it was live. There were reporters going absolutely crazy over a couple of people and guards trying to stop them from forming a horde. It was a hot mess. I side eyed Seonghwa and he was just staring blankly at the television, like he was already expecting things to happen.

Suddenly, the camera panned to a stage where a couple of people who wore suits and some people with handcuffs were getting swarmed by the crowd. 

I knew what this was. It was the controversial fight between the Korean Force and the rising mafia family that orchestrated bank heists all over the city and a select few towns like where I was - like that bank Jongho used to work at.

At first I was still confused, that is, until I saw a familiar figure standing in the back. He was wearing a mask, but I knew it was him. My hands flew to my mouth before my eyes widened and more tears formed. 

"I am Second Director Kang Yeosang, in charge of the capture of the most notorious group that has been running rampant in our city," a man spoke from the television.

"What is the meaning of this?" I gasped at Seonghwa. He didn't say anything and pointed at the television again.

"The credit goes to all our wonderful Agents who aided in their capture," the man gestured to where Jongho was. He looked so stiff, so rigid, but I knew he was the man I loved - the man who hurt me deeply.

The TV was suddenly turned off, but honestly, I couldn't bear to look at it for another second longer anyway, else I might break down completely, and I did not want to do that with a random stranger in my house.

“Do you have any idea as to why Jongho had to leave you all of a sudden five years ago?” Seonghwa asked me, his eyes showing genuine curiosity.

I gulped nervously. “Hell, if I knew,” I scoffed. Then, I realized something that made my heart drop. “Are you telling me that he left me for the mafia, or something?”

Seonghwa smirked. “Not quite. I would say he joined the group that stopped the mafia.”

No amount of self-control could have stopped me from the sheer surprise that crossed my face. “Impossible,” I shook my head in denial. “Jongho would never put himself in a position that purposely put his life in danger, let alone do something like that...”

“Are you sure about that?” Seonghwa crossed his arms. “I could tell you what happened, but do you want to hear it?”

No. Accepting what Seonghwa was saying means that I have to face the reality that Jongho really did choose to go his way and make his future without me, but not accepting it amps my fear for the truth. I nodded in resignation and Seonghwa began to talk. 

“First of all, I would like you to know that Jongho joined us by method of force,” he said. “In fact, he wanted out so badly that he threatened us that he’ll bite his tongue. Literally.”

My heart dropped at the newly found information and my hands were already shaking, but I let him continue. “It was supposed to be a successful operation, we were tracking a series of money laundering crimes and we chose the bank that Jongho worked at as the place for our sting operation.”

“Long story short,” he continued. “Jongho saw something he wasn't supposed to. Did you know what his position was at the bank?”

“A t-teller,” I replied, my voice also shaking. I wanted to cry, Jongho had been carrying that burden all by himself.

“Right. Unfortunately, Jongho found out that we were having an operation that day. He suspected that something was wrong with the enemy’s bank information, so he started snooping and saw every illegal money deposit in it.  We couldn't have that, it was either we killed him or he joined us.”

“What?” I couldn’t help but hiss at him. “It wasn’t his fault,” I snapped. “Your failure on your operation does not constitute an emergency on his part!”

All Seonghwa did was smirk at me and it pissed me off. I glared at him, but he just shrugged. “I’m not saying you’re wrong,” he stated. “In fact, I agree with you. I never wanted him, Jongho was just a boy.”

My face fell as I limply fell back on my seat, defeated and in disbelief. “I’m a failure,” I sarcastically laughed. “All this time I thought he left me because he didn’t want me as his partner anymore.”

“Not your fault,” Seonghwa sighed. “We were the ones who told him he had to leave you. It was either he told you, but then he’d have to take you, or keep you in the dark but you’ll be safe. Obviously, Jongho chose to keep you safe.”

I couldn’t stop all the tears that suddenly started to flow. It was both out of sadness and relief. After five long years, I now had the answers I’ve always wanted to desperately know.

But was it worth it?

“I wasn’t supposed to tell you any of this. My superiors don’t know I’m here,” Seonghwa said after he had waited for me to calm down and compose myself. I’ll give him that, I appreciated it. “Jongho loved you so, so much.”

I stared at him, waiting for him to continue. “Our training was in the United States, Lord knows how many times he got punished for trying to escape and come back here in Korea,” he chuckled. “You know, I grew to care for that kid. I owe this to him after years and years of denying him any contact with you.”

Jongho wanted to contact me all these years? I had to bite my thumb to stop myself from shedding more tears, but Seonghwa grabbed my sleeves to stop me from hurting myself further. 

“That capture on the television, that was his doing. What would have usually taken ten years of a normal agent, Jongho cut in half all because he wanted to see you again.”

“Hongjoong told me you saw them talking that night?” Seonghwa asked. I nodded in conformation. “He didn’t mean any harm. Jongho wasn’t supposed to be here, let alone disappear for a couple of months. We covered for him, but it was only a matter of time until our higher ups found out.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat. All these years I was wallowing myself in pity and Jongho had been suffering overseas because of something that wasn’t even his fault. All this time, this was what Jongho had been hiding.

”What was he doing here in the first place then?”

“He wanted to see you one more time before he went into hiding so we could erase all his ties to the CIA, so I allowed him. Imagine my surprise when he didn’t come back anymore. Hongjoong had barely found this place.”

I remember that day like it just happened. I will never forget the day I started being alive again when he showed up at my door. The storm had been an excuse after all, and that bridge falling over wasn’t part of his plans. It was no wonder he was extremely angry when it broke.

”And the shooting a couple of months back?” I asked. I didn’t even need to elaborate, his face already showed that he knew what I was talking about.

He shook his head. “That was the mafia set to eliminate Jongho.”

My blood ran cold. That meant that we were that close to actually losing our lives. My face fell, that almost meant that Jongho left me for the second time for the same reason he had the first time - to protect me.

Seonghwa patted my shoulders. “I’m sorry you had to find out this way,” he spoke silently. “It’s almost over, he’ll be back.”

I froze, craning my head in his direction, my breath hard and laboured. “Y-You mean that?”

He nodded. “You have my word. And I’ve never gone back on my word before.”

Hours after Seonghwa had said his goodbye and left, I still stayed unmoved from my spot, unwilling to get up just yet for fear that everything I just found out, I’d suddenly forget. I stared at the card that he had left on the table that contained his contact number, not knowing what to do with it exactly.

One good thing that came out of there was that the heavy weight that loomed over my shoulders was suddenly lifted and the relief it brought had made it easier for me to finally breathe.

I have everything I would wish for right now. All these years, I thought I was looking for happiness or the will to move on, but all this time, relief has always been the one I was after - it was what finally set me free.

I closed my eyes, I can almost picture Jongho’s smile when he looked at me for the last time before he went his way.

Life was so cruel, wasn't it? Fate had allowed me and Jongho to meet and fall in love again and gave me a taste of what it would have been like had he not left, only for the same fate to yank it all away. 

What’s worse was that I would do it all over again, even when I knew that our love would end as a tragedy. I would give everything just to feel his warmth, even if it’s only a second. I would endure anything.

Suddenly, Jongho’s absence didn’t feel so heavy after all. For the first time in a while, there was a small smile on my face.

𝐍𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐌𝐁𝐄𝐑 𝟗, 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟒

The arches of my brows creased as I glanced up to the bright, blue sky. The tip of my nose was red, but it was okay.

My hands can't seem to feel themselves as I walk out. It wasn't even that bad, I thought, before I left my rented studio apartment without bringing my trusty wool coat. By the time I realized that the wind had picked up, it was already too late to turn back and grab it. 

I can almost taste the bitter cold hitting my skin, but I was happy anyway. Autumn was my favourite season, I love the colours and the cozy pumpkin spice flavoured things, and most of all, it was also Jongho’s favourite season. 

It’s been three years since that fateful day. I slowly got over the pain, but I never forgot what it felt like. I still had that note he gave me, I could never throw it away even if I wanted to.

I couldn't forget him, if I tried.

I did, however, decide to move away from South Korea all the way to the other side of the world in France. I couldn't bear to stay in the house where all the four corners had Jongho in it, so I decided to sell it. I made the impulse to apply for corporate work, courtesy of Choi San, and so far, Marseille has been nice to me.

And speaking of San, he took that giant leap and found love. The only thing surprising about it was that it was in Song Mingi. It wasn't because of anything bad, it was because I never even noticed the tension between them. I may or may not have cried at their obvious happiness. 

Wooyoung was the only one who came with me to my journey in another country. For a while, we both lived together in my apartment here, but he got addicted to the feeling of traveling and now, he's been painting the town red somewhere in Italy.

I've never seen or heard from Jongho ever again. He hasn't contacted me  whatsoever. The constant visits from Seonghwa doesn't really count, though I have grown a somewhat decent relationship with him and found out he was actually a nice man.

He hasn't found me and to be quite honest, I quit searching for him after a while. It was eating away at my life and it wasn't a healthy way for me to cope at his loss. I just hope he found somewhere safe to settle where the mafia couldn't reach or hurt him.

"Ticket for one?" the attendant from the museum entrance kindly asked me.

"Yes, please. Thank you," I smiled back. Today, I decided to treat myself to a day off by going to this local museum I've been eyeing for a while.

"Do you wish to get upgraded for the fair in the back?" they asked me after handing in my ticket.

I tilted my head in confusion. "Fair?"

"Ah, there is a local fair that comes here every year. The museum decided to collaborate this year to garner more people to come."

It was an easy yes for me. I haven't been to fairs in a while and I remembered loving them as a kid. It almost denied it though, all my memories of me going to one had all been with Jongho. He loved Ferris Wheels the most.

As I admired the museum collection, I couldn't help but rejoice because of how much I've grown into myself. Moving was definitely difficult at first, but I've managed to wiggle my way to success, or at least, my definition of success. Slowly, I began to put Jongho at the back of my mind.

I suddenly remembered what Jongho said to me three years ago about his fear. 

That I'll only remember your face, but not your name. That I'd forget you, but not the time we spent.

I chuckled. What a terrible lie that had been on his end. There was no way I was forgetting him in any way, shape, or form.

There wasn't much in the museum, it was quite small, so I went straight to the fair and I was pleasantly surprised because it resembled a carnival more than anything. There was the usual fair food and the carnival-esque rides, like roller coasters and adult carousels.

But most of all, the biggest Ferris Wheels I have ever seen in my life was right here. I smiled, I will definitely have to come back to that.

It was great, as expected for fairs. The food was absolutely fantastic, and I have a thing for their huge cotton candies. I knew then and there that I made the correct decision to go here for my day off.

"Excuse me? Is this seat taken?"

I was so lost in my thoughts that I was a bit startled when a masculine voice sounded to my side. I turned my head and I swear my heart dropped to my foot instantly.

"N-No," I stammered, redness spreading all over my face. "Y-You can t-take it if you want."

The man smirked and took the seat anyway. I didn't say a word - I couldn't - but neither did he. Rather, we basked in the sun that was shining directly to where we were both seated even though it was cold.

He was absolutely gorgeous. I have never, ever seen a man so stunning that it rendered me speechless for a bit. His brown cashmere coat perfectly complemented his physique. His cropped out hair fitted him well, and the way he carried himself was what was interesting to me.

His eyes were something else. There was a swirling mixture of amber as the tiniest bit of sun hit him made it very mesmerizing to stare at.

And those same pair of eyes were now staring at my very own. 

I was shocked. I felt the shame slowly creep in and my face turn the reddest it has ever been in my life. I looked away clearly flustered and looked down on the forgotten sweetness of the cotton candy I hadn't touched again since this man sat down next to me.

Darn it, darn him for giving me the subtlest smirk as I looked away. From my peripheral vision, I can see him still looking at me, unblinking. I got so conscious that I didn't realize that I was holding my breath steadily.

I definitely looked like I was creeping on him. I almost hit myself in frustration. This is what happens when you're touch starved from a man for so long. I should have smiled back at him, I mean I still could given the fact that I can feel the hairs on my arms stand up in attention to his still unrelenting stare at me.

"How are you liking the carnival?" he had asked.

His voice was calming and it had automatically brought a sense of peace in me. I almost chastised myself, there was no need to be on edge. After all, I was here to relax, not to be awkward with the people I encounter.

"It's good," I shrugged. "I kind of wish it wasn't as cold as it was today. You? What brings you here?"

It was his turn to shrug. "Just to relax. I need to unwind after my work and all. It's stressful, you know?"

I nodded, surprising the need to smile. "Oh? What do you do?"

He chuckled, putting his hands in his pockets, his form also visibly relaxing. "Nothing interesting. There's just a lot of paperwork involved in it, that's all."

"I see," I murmured, trying to avoid eye contact all over.

I'm not sure when the tension started. Perhaps it was a subliminal thing. Or maybe, it was the physical proximity. Despite the cold weather, I could feel the smoldering heat from where he sat. He's been pretty respectful of the distance though, aside from the occasional stare he would point at me, but so far, I don't mind it.

"You don't look like you're from here," I pointed out, trying to start up a conversation. "What brings you to France?"

He hummed before responding. "I'm trying to find my purpose. I lost it a couple of years ago and now I'm intent on getting that back in my life," the man gazed at me meaningfully. "Sometimes you don't know what you have before it's all gone."

I gave him a tight smile. "And this," I waved my hand around. "Purpose, so to speak, how important is it to you?"

"Everything," he replied so fast it actually scared me a bit. He was looking at me dead in the eye too. "It means everything to me. I...made a lot of mistakes in my past, but now I'm here to make up for all of those."

I stared at him for a couple of minutes and he held eye contact with me, unblinking and unmoving. Was this my sign to move on from the past?

"Well, I wish you all the luck," I told him sincerely. "I suppose I can relate. I put my life on halt a couple of years ago, myself. My purpose had left me."

The man frowned and then sighed wistfully. "And how did that make you feel?"

It was a question I wasn't expecting. Suddenly, it was just the two of us, the carnival fading onto the background. "I was devastated," I admitted truthfully. "But not anymore. I know my purpose will always find me wherever I go."

There was a pleasant surprise on the man's face before he broke out into the most painfully beautiful smile I had ever seen. "I'm sure this world has been dying to give you your purpose back."

I went rigid at his statement. This world had been the one that orchestrated me and Jongho's end. It let me love and be loved again in return, and that same blessing turned out to be my biggest curse. I was this close to having it all, and now, I just stood still on the ashes of all my memories.

"Did I say something wrong? I apologize," he frowned.

I waved my hand. "No, you didn't. I, uh, just remembered something very unpleasant on my end."

He hesitantly held his hand out for me and motioned for me to grab it. "It's a beautiful day today," he mused out. "Would you like to ride that thing with me?"

He pointed at the big 'ol Ferris Wheel that was situated at the end of the fair, though it wouldn't have mattered. It was big enough for everybody to see. The way he smiled at me was of unbridled confidence and I can tell then and there, that he doesn't know how to lose.

"Let's," I smiled brightly and held his hand with the perfect squeeze and prolonged eye contact.

I could tell that it caught him off guard, but it didn't stop him from squeezing my hand back and leading me towards the line so we could get on the ride.

"Mind if I do this?" he asked, hesitantly putting his arms across my shoulder.

I shook my head. "Not at all."

My heart flipped incessantly in my chest when I felt him squeeze my shoulder once before pulling me plush on his chest. I blushed profusely, I can smell his cologne. It was fresh with hints of something citrusy, and by God, I couldn't help but close my eyes.

"Getting comfortable there, aren't we?" I could hear the smirk in his voice when I leaned my head against his shoulders.

I looked up at him with a playful smile. "Would you like me to stop?"

"No," he replied instantaneously. It was my turn to smirk at him.

It was pretty uneventful afterwards, and the next thing I knew, we were sitting across each other inside the little passenger cabin, or whatever that was called, and up we went really, really slowly, but surely.

The view from up here provided a perspective that only something from this afar would provide. It makes me realize that we are nothing but specks in this world, and our problems are usually so small compared to what everyone else has.

"The last time I was here was with someone really dear to me," he suddenly began to speak as he stared at the view with me. 

I squirmed in my seat, but I forced myself to look at him. "I'm sure they loved it here as much as you did," I said. "Do you miss them?"

"There has never been a day where I didn't," he said, melancholy seeping in his voice and in my heart.  He crossed his arms and heaved a sigh. "What about you?" He gave me a pointed look. "Have you ever been in love before?"

"Of course I have," I whispered, my voice thick and raw in the empty cabin we were in. "He had some things to finish, things that didn't involve me. Sometimes I think he already forgot me."

"What makes you think that?"

I smiled morosely at him. He was looking at me like I just tore my heart from my chest and presented it to him on a silver platter. "It's just my heart yearning for him," I shrugged. "I will forever treasure the rare love we both had, keep it as long as I live."

I lifted my head and looked him in the eye. "Even after everything, he was still the greatest thing that has ever happened to me."

"And what of you?" I asked when I saw that he wasn't going to say anything. "Have you ever been in love?"

He began to chuckle darkly, until he was fully laughing like I just said the most outrageous thing ever known to mankind. "The question is, when have I ever not loved you?" 

He was done playing this little game and so was I. All I could do was stare at Jongho, I couldn’t afford to be surprised when he suddenly sat with me earlier because we were in public, but now that it was just us, I couldn’t help all the hurt that suddenly came crashing down on me. 

But I wasn’t the only one. Jongho was struggling to contain himself, his breathing was laboured and any attempt to control his stance was long gone. “For three damn years,” Jongho chuckled bitterly. “All I ever wanted was you.“

I felt heat surge in my blood. “You were the one who left me,” I muttered. “You gave me misery I don’t want my enemies to feel.”

I almost didn’t want to forgive him. I could feel my bottom lip tremble so I bit it. I was terrified that if I let go, the dam would burst. Jongho heaved a shaky sigh, his eyes looking at me with such longing that I almost felt bad. 

“I’m sorry,” his voice was thick with emotion. “I am so, so sorry, Y/N. I’m so tired.”

His voice cracked towards the end and I put my knuckles in my mouth to prevent myself from crying. How could I get mad at him? None of it was his fault, everything he did, both the good and the bad, all of it was to keep me safe from something he didn’t even want nor could control.

“You were my lifeline, whether you knew it or not,” Jongho began. “I’ve done a lot of stuff, things I had to do, and were forced upon me, but whenever I’d think of you, everything seemed to be alright, and whenever I was this close to losing myself, your image in my head always put me back on solid ground.”

“So please,” Jongho was shaking, trembling, as he put his hands up together like he was praying. "I'm begging you, Y/N, please have me. I’m so exhausted of not having you with me, I can’t take it anymore.”

I have never seen him this desperate before, or was I only seeing what I wanted to? Upon closer inspection, underneath all his handsome features was a man who lost his mind so long ago. His eyes were sunken, lips chapped, skin pale. 

I’d made up my mind. I’d always viewed his love as something celestial, and he always made me feel divine. Despite all that happened, his eyes still held that gentleness I loved him for. He was my sweet summer sun, I could lay with him and always feel his warmth. 

“I can’t survive without you anymore, blossom, I’m at my limit,” Jongho’s eyes reddened with emotions. “You don’t have to love me back like you used to and you don’t have to belong to me, but please, let me be yours.”

My heart began to beat so fast, I was scared that it was going to pop out of my chest and I wouldn't have time to catch it

He held my hand and held it tight. “Director Jeong and Director Kang were pleased at my work, and they gave me a lot of payment for it. It’s also for the life they stole from me,” he swallowed tentatively. “We’re set for life.”

I was hesitant, but he wasn’t done. “I bought a house for us and our future family, if you’ll have me. I know you sold the old house,” he said, his first tear falling on my hands. “My dreams are so small, but it looks much bigger when I picture you with me.”

That did it for me, and then I was hysterically crying. My emotions were all over the place, at first, it was my grief. It felt so strong that I couldn't help but drown in it. I haven't cried in a while - years even. The familiarity of my tears comforted me in a messed up way.

I felt myself being pulled on a firm chest. "It's okay, love, hush now, you're okay," he rubbed my back soothingly. "I'm here now, I'm not leaving you ever again..."

"What took you so long?" I sobbed pitifully, hiccupping at every syllable. I thumped my fists on his chest. "Goddamn it, Jongho, stop doing this to me, my heart can only take so much---"

I was hastily pulled onto the best kiss of my life. We were so rough about it too, I could feel both of our teeth clash onto each other because of how much we wanted to breathe each other in, but I didn't care. These were three years of longing, yearning for each other as our tongues danced with each other in a battle for dominance.

I could feel his tears mesh with mine and eventually we broke our kiss. "It's over, love, it's over," Jongho's hands were shaking so badly when he leaned his forehead with mine as he cupped my face. "I'm out of the CIA, I'm sorry it took me three years, but I had to make sure nothing will separate us again."

I could feel the waves of my grief lessen as Jongho kept whispering sweet nothings in my ear, and they slowly ebb into relief as my chest gets flooded with overwhelming love for this man.

"Don't cry, my love, I'm here now," Jongho whispered as he wiped my tears with his thumbs. He gave me the sweetest kiss on the tip of my nose. "I'm not going anywhere this time."

I couldn't help but giggle. "You promise?" I sniffled loudly. "I-I can't do this again, Jongho. I'm going to die this time if you leave me again."

"I'm never letting you go," he smiled tightly. He pointed outside the cabin. "Look."

I stared in awe. We were at the highest point of the Ferris Wheel and the colourful sun was beginning to set. 

I buried myself onto his chest and he envelops me in a hug. "We made it," I murmured. He hummed. "I love you so much, Jongho."

I felt butterflies rush into my tummy, as if this was our first time all over again. He brought his lips closer to my ear. "I love you, too."

"How did you know I was here?" I couldn't help but wonder. "How did you find me?"

His embrace tightened and I couldn't help the sigh of relief that escaped me. If someone had told me days ago that I would be this happy, I would have laughed at their faces. 

I never thought this day would come, and I'm not sure what the future holds, but I have a feeling that today marks the start of me and Jongho's happily ever after.

"I told you, didn't I?" Jongho smiled, grabbing my hand and planting a tender kiss on it. "My soul will always find yours."

Dividers from: @arcielee ❤️❤️❤️

[oliversrarebooks]

a good grade in being brainwashed: the perfect pet

tw: pet whump, bbu, dehumanization, brainwashing, memory wipe

Previous > Masterlist

"You need more than good looks to get the lead part, you know," said Toby, casually coming up behind Vinay and leaning against his chair. "That's why they'll undoubtedly go with me. No hard feelings. If you're very lucky, though, you'll get to play a supporting role in helping my star shine that much brighter."

Vinay suppressed the urge to point out that it was Toby who convinced him to sign up for theater in the first place, knowing full well that he was the idiot who let Toby talk him into things. "I'll have you know I've been practicing for this audition all week. You shouldn't assume it will be easy."

Toby sighed and rolled his eyes. "You've been practicing all week and yet you're still so stiff. Stiff as a board!" He shook Vinay lightly as if to make a point. "The lead role isn't stiff. He's adventurous. Dashing! Charismatic! And right now you look like a tired accountant three years from retiring, whose idea of adventure is to buy medium salsa instead of mild."

He scowled, because unfortunately Toby was probably right. He wasn't sure he was cut out for acting at all, and the thought of going up on the stage and delivering his monologue before a judging panel… "What do you suggest, then?"

"Here, I've got it." Toby circled around behind him and put his hands on Vinay's shoulders. "You have to let your muscles relax."

"What are you doing?" said Vinay with considerable alarm.

"I'm helping with your stiffness, obviously." Toby was kneading at his shoulders, and unfortunately for Vinay's resolve, it felt amazing.

"You're just trying to get a rise out of me."

"And even though you know that, it's still working."

Of course it was. Vinay never knew what Toby was thinking, giving him a massage in front of everyone gathered for the audition, not that anyone was really noticing.

Actually, no. Vinay knew exactly what Toby was thinking, because it was what Toby was always thinking. He wanted attention, and as usual, Vinay was a convenient source for it.

"Let all that tension out of those muscles," said Toby in a tone that might have been soothing if it weren't Toby. "Just let your mind go blank. And think about what it would be like if you weren't terminally boring."

"Thanks," said Vinay, dripping with sarcasm. "I'll do my best."

"You're so very welcome. I'm always happy to help a fellow thespian!"

Vinay knew he had to do something to take his mind off of warm hands on his shoulders, lest he start to get uncomfortable feelings for his irritating roommate. "I wanted to ask you, have you studied for organic chem yet?"

"Eh, nah. I don't need to. I see organic chem as more of an art than a science really."

"…It's very literally a science."

"So I can probably intuit all the answers. I'll be fine."

That's right, Vinay needed this reminder of how absolutely infuriating Toby could be. He didn't take anything seriously but acting and inflating his ego -- although Vinay suspected there was more going on there, a lot more.

Ever since the very first day they'd been paired together in the dorms, he had an uncanny knack for getting on Vinay's nerves. He seemed to have a supernatural ability for pushing Vinay's buttons just enough to drive him up the wall, but never quite enough that Vinay could truly dislike him. Whenever Vinay wanted peace and quiet, there he'd be, demanding attention. And whenever Vinay was lonely… well, he'd usually be there too. And perhaps that wasn't so terrible.

"You should really study after this. I'll help you."

"Hmm… I suppose I could help you study, if you really want me to. But only if we order Chinese. I can't study on an empty stomach, you know."

"Fine. Deal."

The auditorium went quiet as the director got up on stage. "All right, we're going to begin auditions. Everyone auditioning for the male lead, please head backstage now. When your name is called, you'll have five minutes to deliver your monologue."

"Oh, here we go!" said Toby, cracking his knuckles and grinning. "Time to shine!"

"Right." Vinay tried to ignore the butterflies in his stomach as he followed Toby backstage. He probably wasn't going first, so at least he'd have five minutes to take some deep breaths and calm down before --

"Vinay? You're up first."

Shit.

"Knock 'em dead," said Toby, clapping him on the back. "Break a leg. Break both your legs."

"What?"

"Shatter your collarbone. Suffer third degree burns to over sixty percent of your body."

"What on earth are you talking about?"

"Well, if breaking your leg is lucky, more injuries must be extra luck."

Vinay groaned and brushed Toby off as he walked out onto stage with a stride he hoped was confident. He turned to the front and looked at the director.

And his mind went immediately blank.

---

Vinay's mind went immediately blank when he saw the discount pet in the case in the corner, B211.

Toby. It was Toby. But that wasn't possible.

He looked so different from the last time Vinay had seen him. His hair was neatly done and he was wearing a tailored uniform, nothing at all like the tousled hair and loud colors he'd normally preferred. But the most striking thing about him was the smile. It was no longer that cocky grin he always wore when he'd gotten your attention. It was a customer service smile, a meek and submissive smile, a smile tinged with desperation.

But it was Toby. Even though that didn't seem possible, there was no mistake.

"Oh, I wouldn't recommend that one," said the salesman. "He's a bit more high maintenance than our other Romantics, and you're looking for a pet that's very independent, right?"

Vinay nodded and let the salesman lead him away to a different pet on display, but his mind remained behind.

How the hell did Toby end up as a pet? Vinay had spent so much time with him in college and never suspected that he might be a pet. Sure, he struggled with his grades, and was a bit on the unstable side, but surely that didn't mean he was a pet. Had he signed up voluntarily? Had he gotten himself in trouble, the sort of trouble that got him designated a risk to himself? Did he have a nervous breakdown?

And did he remember Vinay? No, he couldn't possibly. Pets all had their former memories erased through what was said to be a very humane process, to ease their transition into a better life. Toby likely didn't remember anything at all about him.

And that thought made him slightly ill.

"I can tell this one's not to your liking," said the salesman, and Vinay realized he'd been making a disgusted look in the vague direction of the pet the salesman was showing off. "Well, I think you're going to like this pet. He's low maintenance and is trained to cook…"

"That sounds interesting," said Vinay, trying to regain his focus.

He'd come here to find a companion pet on the recommendation of his therapist. His job left him with plenty of money but even more stress, he'd had little luck with making friends or dating, and he'd been getting desperately lonely and touch-starved. His therapist quite reasonably pointed out that that was one of the primary functions of pets, to ease loneliness.

Vinay had never considered it before. He'd never been fond of his family's Domestics. His father had preferred them unseen and unheard, so they tended to flit around the house like ghosts. Vinay certainly didn't want a pet like that. He wanted a pet with some personality, who could brighten his days and give him something to do other than work and sleep.

And he absolutely could not buy Toby, not that he would even consider it. However Toby had ended up as a pet, it was not his business, and Vinay was a stranger to him now anyway. Even if he didn't have his memory cleaned, Toby would no doubt hate being stuck with Vinay again. Most importantly, there was a rule in the Pet Owners' Handbook warning against keeping pets that the owner knew before they were pets. After all, pets had their memories erased so that their training would take well and so they wouldn't experience any unnecessary duress. Digging up those memories could cause psychological harm.

There was another customer in front of Toby now. Vinay had no reason to worry about him - he probably made a great pet, and would be bought up quickly.

That thought didn't make Vinay feel better at all.

The salesman directed him to the largest case at the end of the show floor. "And I've saved the best for last. This is a premium model, one of the finest we've had in this showroom. He does it all, and does it in style."

The premium pet was perfectly coiffed and very handsome. His smile looked much more natural than some of the other pets', warm and inviting, as though he truly wanted to be your companion. The salesman eagerly listed his attributes: independent, intelligent, capable of being a personal assistant, eager to please…

This one was everything he had wanted in a pet, just the sort of thing he'd been looking for. The pet was expensive, but Vinay could easily afford this indulgence. He'd be the perfect addition to Vinay's lonely condo, one he'd be proud to have.

"If this pet is within your budget, I think he'd be best suited to your needs, sir."

"He does seem like an ideal fit…" said Vinay with a lack of enthusiasm that surprised even him. After all, wasn't this exactly what he wanted? An ideal pet, perfectly trained, quiet, obedient, affectionate.

Just the right boring, corporate addition to his boring, corporate life.

"Would you like to spend a little time with him? I'm sure once you do, you won't be leaving this showroom alone."

Who was this premium pet before he was a pet? He wasn't meant to worry about that. They were all supposed to be volunteers or those who otherwise couldn't live a normal life, and the pet process was supposed to be humane and gentle. It was good for them, and good for pet owners.

But when he glanced over at Toby's blank and docile face…

"Maybe, but I'm still interested in that one. The one I saw when I first came in."

What was he doing? He couldn't buy Toby. That pet wasn't even Toby any more. He wasn't the roommate that drove Vinay up the wall at every given opportunity. He no longer knew any of Vinay's secrets, shared with him in late night conversations. He was a pet, now, and this premium pet was much better suited to Vinay's needs, just like the salesman said.

His needs. How often did he really think about his needs? What were they? Was a premium pet really what he needed?

Every rational part of his mind was screaming "bad idea" as he walked back to Toby's case. As he approached, a tiny spark of light appeared in Toby's dull eyes, and Vinay knew, against all of his sensible judgement, that he wasn't going to leave here without his old frenemy.

It had to be delusional, leftover feelings from his college years, all the time spent tutoring Toby and trying to get him to take his work seriously, all those times they'd spent laughing and talking about subjects both deep and ridiculous…

Vinay didn't really know what he needed, but he couldn't help but feel that Toby needed him.

"Are you sure?" said the salesman, clearly confused as to why Vinay had gone back here after being shown the premium model. "This one's a refurb. That's why he's on a discount."

A refurb. Someone had previously owned and sold Toby. He'd had his memories wiped at least twice now.

"Do you know why he was returned?"

"Ah, his original owner simply found a new relationship, and was displeased with the amount of attention this Romantic required. He's been wiped of those memories, and we've done our best to train out his unfortunate need for attention, of course…"

Vinay made a sound that was halfway between a laugh and a choke. Of course Toby was attention-seeking as a pet. If there was one thing Toby couldn't stand, it was being ignored or bored.

And his previous owner hadn't appreciated that. He could imagine Toby's desperation as his bids for affection were rebuked by a busy owner. Lonely. Rejected. They surely didn't know how to handle him. Vinay knew, though. He always had.

"I want to buy this one."

The salesman was as surprised as Vinay was, going on about how they don't accept returns on refurbished pets. That hardly mattered. Vinay wasn't going to be returning him.

He was actually going to go through with this. He was going to own Toby.

No, he was going to own the pet that was once Toby. He wasn't the same, and Vinay couldn't treat him that way, lest he damage his new pet.

It would be fine. He'd stick to the rules in the Pet Owners' Handbook, the thick tome he'd already read half a dozen times, and it would be fine. He wouldn't bring up old memories. He'd give this pet a good life and all of the attention he deserved, at least when he was off work. It'd be fine.

And so he'd ended up in the sales office, signing mountains of paperwork to make him the legal owner of B211.

"We'd be happy to offer you any of our very affordable add-on packages," said the salesman. "We have additional skill training, discipline courses, and a wide variety of modifications we can make to your new pet before he goes home with you. For this particular pet, I would strongly recommend additional obedience and docility courses, to make sure he's well suited to your busy lifestyle."

"No, that won't be necessary," said Vinay, thinking of Toby's -- no, B211's -- eyes. Vinay had never seen him so quiet and docile. More obedience training seemed like the last thing he needed.

"Very well. If you change your mind, you can always give him discipline and obedience refreshers as necessary, although it might be more difficult for the pet once he becomes attached to you."

"I understand," said Vinay, signing another packet of papers. His brain was already swimming with how best he should welcome his new pet into his home. He'd planned for it extensively, read all the books, and of course Toby -- no, no, B211, damn it -- had to throw a wrench in his plans.

He was sure of one thing, though. B112 would be safe and happy with him if it was the last thing he did.

Previous > Masterlist

I'm sure this will go well.

@there-will-always-be-blood @kisa-writes @andithewhumper @handsinmotion @whumperhive

@eventide-triptych @pumpkinsncoffee

[howlsofbloodhounds]

You know, one of my favorite headcanons is that Nightmare's and Dream's Negativity and Positivity auras cause permanent damage to the soul if used too frequently.

My thought process about it is literally just that they function basically as extraneous bodies influencing the soul from the inside. Meaning that, with enough exposure, an actual extraneous residue can remain inside the soul. It's basically like an incurable infection.

Now, imagine this applied to Killer. Killer who probably chased after the feelings of the aura at least at first because sometimes he needs to feel literally anything at all to not lose it (and because the pain that came after the high was grounding and 'fun' in the way he's been conditioned to regard all pain).

And imagine him after running away from Nightmare and finally finding a a safe space with Color only to be hit with the realization that both of the ones who destroyed him left permanent marks on him (Chara with the very shape of his soul, and Nightmare with the black sludge he can never wash away flowing just below the surface). Imagine Color having to gently but firmly refuse to leave a mark of his own. Because that's not gonna make anything better, not really, it's only gonna hurt Killer further. But Killer insists that he needs it, he needs at least one mark that is from something good- from someone good.

Just, hhhhhhhhhhh, the possibilities for angst with this are so many

I love that headcanon, and the thought of that is kinda sad.

It reminds me of this little comic I came across like a year or two ago where Killer carved Color’s name into his wrist. It was for different reasons, i believe it was because Killer couldn’t think of another way to show Color that he loved him other than to leave something of Color on him permanently and that way he’d never forget him.

I wonder what kind of marking(s) Killer would be looking for here, what he’d be willing to settle for, how desperate would he get and how far would he be willing to go to get what he wants from Color.

Does it need to be something permanent, something small and easily hidden or something big enough to notice? Can it be temporary but frequent, like bite or scratch marks? Would he try to get color to fight and bruise him up. Would he find a way to leave color’s mark on him himself. Would something like a collar from Color or with something that links back to Color work, if it’s not exactly what he wants.

I’d imagine the thought of being marked again, even if by Color, would cause some major conflict between his stages—his dissociative parts, causing a lot of confusion and disturbance.

The body may have been conditioned to enjoy pain and torture, especially in Stage 2, but doesn’t mean Killer wants it or even can mentally or emotionally handle it in other Stages.

If Color marks him in a permanent painful way, somewhere deep down it’d register as a betrayal to Killer—and if Color doesn’t do something, there’s a risk of feeling misunderstood and maybe even rejected—leading to distancing if Color doesn’t approach the subject carefully.

Color is in a very delicate situation, and he has to make a choice or a compromise if he’s willing, but he also has to be prepared for any consequences or pushback that would come from refusing—which he is of course allowed to do.

I can see him being willing to find a safer alternative or compromise, and Killer is going to have to accept that one way or another—no matter how may push at the lines, keep trying to convince Color. And even if he may come very close to straight up begging—trying to convince Color that it’d be good, he can take it, it’s just once, he trusts him, yada yada.

Cause at the end of the day, Color can tell this request is coming from a place of fear and self dehumanization, a need for security and reassurance that Color is willing to give him in safer ways, not a genuine want.

{ @stellocchia }

[dronebiscuitbat]

Oil is Thicker Then Blood (Part 89)

Another Day, another adventure out to find another pod to salvage.

This one was much further away, instead of a one day journey, this would at least be a three, traveling under the cover of night and resting during the day. It was a flipped schedule for most drones, but even Thad and Lizzy had gotten used to it at this point- so the rest of the engineers could too.

Tera was swaddled up tight against her mother's chest so that she wouldn't get cold, normally she would be left in the bunker during an excursion like this, but everyone she could've been left with had joined them. V was flying ahead, scouting for any infected and clearing the way for the forklift. N was next to her, one hand a rifle and the other wrapped tightly in her own like her own personal bodyguard.

Lizzy and Thad both were on lookout, keeping their eyes peeled for any infected V might have missed, and Khan was in front, on top of the forklift directing people better than she ever would.

He'd been decently hands off so far, letting her plan and direct while he looked over her blueprints for any errors and delt with stuff internally, but now, with such long journeys and Uzi inching closer to her ‘supposed’ due date. He didn't want his daughter being overwhelmed.

Honestly? Uzi was relieved, as much as she appreciated the amount of trust her dad was putting in her now. She wasn't sure if she was ready to be leading a squad of drones by herself. She didn't want to be held responsible if something went horribly wrong…

“It's kinda weird to be traveling in a big caravan like this.” N started a conversation, probably because the tense silence was starting to put him on edge. “And on foot, it's like one of those ‘finding the promised land’ movies.”

Uzi smiled, she could always count on N to keep the moment lighthearted.

“We kinda are… what kind of planet would you want- if you could choose?” Uzi asks, squeezing his hand gently for some silent reassurance.

“Something not snowy. The temperature is nice for cooling off but I am so sick of snow…” He replied, and Uzi couldn't help but agree. “No more snow. Maybe a desert?”

“And die as soon as we land? Our systems couldn't handle that.” N laughed. “Maybe…a big ocean?”

“We're metal. And not entirely waterproof. You just enjoyed Subnautica too much.” Uzi teased and N chuckled at himself, “Hey that game is good! You're the one who showed it to me.”

Uzi thought again for a moment. “A big forest… with lots of greenery. Maybe a jungle?” She suggested. “I've never actually seen living plantlife, man that's kinda sad.” She added after a moment.

“Oh! Y-yeah I guess you haven't… “ He realized, almost kicking himself.

Whenever he thought of Uzi, he always thought that she was always there with him, even on Earth. Which wasn't actually the case of course, Uzi definitely wasn't at the manor… but he always felt she was. Maybe it was because some of his memories were of her as a crow and those were bleeding into his actual memories.

But no, she'd never been off Copper-9, and she'd only seen organic life through pictures or a screen. She'd never had the feeling of grass tickling her casing, or the petals of flowers between her fingers.

Just cold steel and ice.

“Then yeah, I hope there's lots of plants, and it's so green you'll get sick of it.” He laughs, kissing her on the forehead as he pulls her in gently. And she laughs in such a content way… it's like feeling the sun on his silicone again.

“Halt!” He hears Khan shout, and the moment is broken. He can feel the bitter wind once more, hear the howling of it overhead, and the deep shuddering groans of urban decay. The ground is a muddy slurry from all the movement … and it's cold; leeching away any heat from his feet into the ground.

With a small squeeze onto his girlfriends hand, he flies up to see what was the matter, and it becomes immediately obvious the second he can see over the forklift.

A gigantic black tendril is blocking the road, laying inert- though still breathing, V was pushing people back to avoid the snaking webbing of flesh already beginning to grow around it.

N lands next to Khan on top of the forklift, and he looks… distressed.

“I know you've shown me pictures and holograms. But this is… something else.” Khan is trembling slightly, joints clicking as they tapped together.

“This one looks new… it's not moving yet. V and I can probably burn it away so we can get past it.” He puts a hand on Khans shoulder as a way to steady the man. And he takes a deep breath.

“I'll back up the caravan. Give you some room.” Khan agreed, before sticking his hand out to motion people to back up.

“You know, it took me awhile… but I know why Uzi chose you…” Khan started, looking nervous, N lifted his brow.

“You're… stable. You're reliable. You love with every ounce of yourself. And I… she didn't have that before, unfortunately.” He stopped himself from going into self-pity, shaking off that feeling to continue;

“You have a good head on your shoulders son. I'm sorry it took so long for me to get it. Better now then never I suppose.” He laughed softly and the caravan stopped moving backwards. N smiled, his wings coming out with a flourish.

“Thank you. Mr- Ah, Khan. Thank you Khan.”

Khan smiled brightly at that.

“Now go kick some tentacle ass! Don't want you back down here until it's a burning stump!”

N laughed. “Sir yes Sir!” as he flew off, his hands being replaced with duel flamethrowers. V hovers up next to him, her arms crossed.

“What's the plan boss?” She asks, a brow raised.

“Burn it enough so that the caravan can get through… might have to burn the ground too. Can't risk people coming into contact with it.” He replied, before blinking. “D-Did you just call me boss?”

V turned away for a moment, probably to hide her fluster. Before coming up right to his visor and flicking it lightly. “Don't read too much into it, idiot.”

“Okay, Okay!” He laughed, before they both made their way down with their respective flamethrowers, aiming it down at the gross fleshy tendril.

At the same time, they unleashed a plume of hot flame. The tentacle reacted violently, thrashing wildly as a loud screech ripped through the air from… somewhere. The ground itself rumbled, as if it were alive - and writhing in pain.

After a moment, the rumbling stopped and the screech faded back into howling wind, as an extra measure, both dissasembly drones burned the ground the tentacle was sitting on until it was charred.

“Think that's good?” N asked his pseudo-sister. And she nodded, testing it herself by walking across it. “Seems good, tell Khan he can start moving again.”

He flew up and gave a thumbs up. After a moment, the group began to move forward again. He spotted Lizzy climbing onto the roof of a car to see better.

Thad doing the same closer to the back.

“You think this is actually going to work?” V asks suddenly. A distant look on her face as she watches over the group walking underneath them.

“What? Building a ship?” He cocks his head and she nods. “It's a long shot, isn't it?” He agrees, his own concern shining through for a moment. “But I think if anyone can do it it's Uzi, you know?”

“And can you imagine? A whole new life. No more murder… or corpse spires, or… weird masses of tentacles.”

V smiles, but it looks slightly pained.

“You still sound like you did at the manor. We talked about running away together if you remember.”

He was hit with it, suddenly.

She was leaning against him, in a rare moment of peace. His arms wrapped around her as she nuzzled into his shoulder. He kissed her head and she giggled; light and airy, content to be in the moment.

“If we could go anywhere, where would you want to go?” He asked, a soft blush on his face, white, like his eyelights.

“We can't… we're not human.”

“Humor me?”

She sighed, “Um… out in the country, I think. Away from people.” She replied, her glasses were perched on her face, she was so cute…

“Maybe we can one day. You and Me.” He suggested, smiling fondly down.

“Are you suggesting we run away N?” She smirked, he loved that little smirk, the little fire that was inside her burning bright for just a moment…

“Yeah… kinda, can you imagine? A whole new life… no more masters. No more cleaning wine stains off the upholstery…”

“Or doing Mrs. Elliots gross hair…” V adds, making him laugh. “Oh god! I know! Why is it so greasy?!”

He blinks, smiling.

“I'm surprised you even remember that.”

And V laughs. “Of course I do! You said Mrs. Elliot’s head was greasy!” It's a different kind of laugh now, it doesn't make him feel the same way, but it's still pleasant.

“I was agreeing with you! You said it first!” He defended, laughing along with her.

Those times were so strange to think about now… like he lived two totally different lived. His feelings for V were familial now, weirdly strengthened but anything romantic being erased to time.

“That's weird to think about now.” He admits. “I feel like you're… my sister almost.”

She snorts. “Oh same. Every time I think about the manor I cringe a little… I don't regret it obviously… but it's just weird.”

“… I remember you being so nervous the first time we kissed…” He said slowly. And she exploded in yellow blush.

“Agh! I was actually trembling. For some reason I thought kissing was biting someone's mouth.”

N genuinely cackled at that.

“Are you serious?! That… that explains so much actually. You bit my lip.”

If anything her blush grew even worse.

“Aaaand I wish you didn't remember that…”

His eyes trailed down to Lizzy, and then back up to V. A teasing smile playing on his face.

“I'm sure your practice with Liz was better.” Came tumbling out of his mouth, and his ex-girlfriend turned ‘sister’ froze up, tail kinking up as they floated there.

“You… little shit.” She said, surprised and exasperated that he said that. “You so did not just say that!”

And suddenly she was chasing him, both ripping through the air as he laughed, even though she was clearly embarrassed, she was smiling.

He decided he liked this dynamic much better.

Next ->

[deadhands69]

Something More

Katsuki Bakugo x gn reader

Eventual smut/afab

Setting: mid-time skip, Senior Year of College. Reader did not attend UA high, just joined for university. Enemies to lovers.

Warnings, etc: series contains eventual smut, slight angst, light violence/injuries but it's bnha soooo, drinking/intoxication, swearing.

This is part 1; more parts coming as soon as I get a break from work and homework :)

Earlier today, you would never have dreamed you’d be stuffed in a closet with your rival, Katsuki Bakugo. Nor would you ever have imagined you’d enjoy that. But being here, pressed against his chest with his arm wrapped around you - it could be a lot worse. 

Yesterday Morning

It felt like nothing could go right. You overslept, waking up groggy and angry at the world. Your shoelace broke, you dripped toothpaste down your shirt, your phone died on the charger (hence the lack of alarm to wake you), and the weak coffee you chugged on the way out of the dorms did absolutely nothing to improve your mood. 

That’s all before walking into the classroom.

Earlier in the week, you were assigned a term-long project detailing your partner’s quirk. Pros, cons, good/bad match-ups, how your quirks work together, what you could learn from them to improve your own progress. You hoped for Izuku Midoriya, with his notebook full of information already, but you were paired with Katsuki Bakugo. 

Aizawa must hate you.

The two of you had never gotten along. Sure, he was warmer towards his friends, who he'd known for years, but never with you. That’s fair though, you also hated everything about him. You hated how cocky he would act. His stupid face when he thinks he’s right. How he always got away with his bullshit. You hated the way he treated the girls who swooned over him (all because he defeated some nerfed villain a while ago.) Then, you hated him even more when you saw the constant stream of faceless fangirls being shuttled in and out of his room in the middle of the night like no one noticed. Most of all, you hated the lack of respect he always had for you.

Unfortunately for you both, the assignment would involve a lot of back and forth, questions, explanations, etc. Considering the relationship you had with your partner, the two of you opted to work on your pieces alone, exchanging in the mornings. And, well, it’s the morning. Time to interact.

“Hey, Backfire. Ya get that work done?” (he’d always chosen to call you this, over your hero name “Echo.”)

“Yeah,” you handed him the paper detailing what you’ve observed about his quirk in practice.

He barely looks over it before adding his critique, “this is garbage. That part’s bad too. Are you trying to make me sound weak? Not like your shitty quirk is that great. Redo it.”

Not happening.

“If you have a problem, why don’t you do it then? Here’s a pen, there’s the paper. Be my fucking guest. Tell me alllll about how amazing the Great Explosion Murder God Dynamite is,” your biting words saccharine sweet as you pretended to fawn over him, “or should I just ask the girls lining up to crawl into your bed every night to write it?”

“What, jealous? God, you need to get laid. It’s a shame no one pities you enough to help out with that,” he responded with fake sympathy.

This wasn’t too far from a normal conversation between the two of you. Any other day, you thought. Any other time and maybe you could put up with his shit. 

But absolutely not today.

Before you could think, you smacked him. Hard.

A hush fell over the class as everyone watched for his reaction. Your next move.

To be honest, you surprised yourself with that one too.

You were always the “good kid.” Maybe standoffish and mouthy but you got good grades, always turned your homework in on time, and, mostly, tended to follow rules when it mattered.

But the bigger elephant in the room: no one actually fucks with Bakugo. Sure you’d all throw his words back at him and argue but physically? Between his strength, personality, and explosive quirk, no one touches him.

His face reddened in anger, hiding the puffy pink outline your hand left. “Do you wanna die??” he yelled before Aizawa shuffled to his desk in his yellow sleeping bag to start class.

Class went by as usual, despite the lingering tension in the air. Before you knew it, it was over. The teacher said something about randomly assigned partners for sparing in the morning then set you free. 

“Do it better,” Bakugo asserted, shoving the paper back at you. The imprint of your fingertips still dotted his face. 

“Fine, as long as you fix your half too. I am not getting a bad grade because of you,” you spit the words out like they would burn your tongue if you held in thoughts of him any longer. 

The rest of the afternoon, you stared at a blank sheet of paper. No matter how hard you tried, the words just wouldn’t show up. At seven, you gave up and went to Jiro’s room to hang out and watch music videos while discussing what you’d wear to Mina’s friend’s party the next day.

This Morning

Aizawa’s monotone voice carried through the training area. “We’ll be sparing today, as mentioned yesterday the matches are already set - the list is posted on the door. If you have an issue with it, don’t bother me. Otherwise, find your partner and make a plan.”

“The fuck,” you exclaim upon seeing your name next to Minoru Mineta’s with a match against Katsuki Bakugo and Shoto Todoroki.

The team pairings were randomly drawn from a hat but the matches were chosen. Aizawa must still be set on making your life hard when he made the list.

It would have been hard anyways, it’s not a fair fight. They’re the two strongest in the class and you were paired up with the weakest. They’re also both assholes when it comes to things like this so you know they won’t go easy on you. Not that they should. Your rebound quirk sends their attacks back at them, making you a difficult match for anyone who relies on their quirk. Generally, most of the class you are sparring against are resilient to their own powers to an extent so they aren’t at risk of being massively injured but that doesn’t make it any easier for them to take you down to win. You typically just have to stay out of the way. However, using your ability takes focus. With years of practice, you still weren’t sure if you’ll be able to go up against them both at once. And Mineta wouldn't be much help. 

In spite of the difficulty, you’d still have to give it your all. You’re lucky you even got into the hero course, honestly. Getting the points in the UA University entry exam wasn’t easy. Interfering with other potential students to bounce their quirks at the fake villains allowed you to scrape by. 

“Match one, get in place,” Present Mic’s voice rings through the building. 

Preparing on the other side of the room, your rivals didn’t look happy being paired with each other either. 

“We just have to get the flags off their belts,” you mumble down to Mineta, “throw your balls to trap them and I’ll walk up and take them. Oh, and don’t-” you pause, thinking of the last time you worked with Mineta on anything, “don’t do anything weird.” 

“And go!”

Immediately, Minetta covers the hall behind you in sticky purple balls. You rush to the other side, taunting them to chase you. 

“Hey, Todoroki, what’s this I hear about Endeavor in the news? You must be so proud, right? Come over so I can congratulate you!” 

The air cools around you, got him. Gliding with his ice, he rushes towards you before getting stuck on the trap you’d set. He immediately shoots a stream of ice, pinning your sparring partner to the wall.

You’re on your own now. That’s fine. It’ll be 1v1.

You turn to take Todoroki’s flag but only find his shoes. He’s in his socks, taking Mineta’s instead. You can still win this, you think. You’ll just have to be smart. 

Seeing a corner, you decide to duck into it. This will allow you to bounce back any attacks head on until they tire out. 

Red and white hair blurred towards you before the room froze. By focusing your quirk, you were able to shove his ice back ten while he attacked. You noticed his feet slide slightly back as well from the recoil. What you didn’t notice was Bakugo dropping behind your back and blasting you point blank into a wall of ice.

This Afternoon

“It’s because he hates me,” you groan. 

Recovery Girl had revived you, after mending quite a few broken bones and burns. She was still baffled by how beat up you came in from a “friendly” class match. A broken arm, two fractured ribs, burns on both wrists, and the entire back of your hero outfit had been blasted off, leading to even more burns.

“Hate is a strong word, he’s your classmate. I don’t think he hates you,” she continued while bandaging your arms.

“Definitely feels like it,” you mumbled looking down at your wrapped up limbs.

Once she finished patching you up, she told you to stay here for the day to rest then take it easy the next few days. She was leaving to visit family over the weekend but your condition is stable enough. You slept through the rest of the afternoon.

Earlier Tonight

9:05pm, the numbers on your phone illuminate the dark room.

Your hero costume had been sent in for repairs. Fortunately, your best friend has an extra key to your room. Jiro dropped off one of your hoodies and a pair of pants while you slept. She texted that she didn’t want to wake you but she’d see you at the party later tonight if you’re up for it. You pull the clothes out of the bag and get dressed, carefully avoiding your sore arms.

Feeling rested enough, you texted her back that you’d be there before throwing your boots on and heading out. 

In the dim waiting area, a black clothed figure was slumped over the chair. He begins to stir and rubs his blonde hair out of his eyes as you pass before he jumps up to follow you.

“Let me guess, is apologizing and walking me home your punishment?” you ask.

“Yep,” Bakugo responds.

“Got it,” you say walking out the door. The cold winter air burns your face.

After a long pause, he began to apologize. “I really am sorry though, I didn’t mean to actually hurt you. I should have known better and that’s on me,” his words puff out in clouds.

“I just figured it was because I slapped you yesterday.”

“It wasn’t out of retaliation,” he pauses before continuing, “I’m really not that mad about you hitting me. I mean, I was mad, but more shocked than anything. No one in our class ever treats me like that.”

“Well, someone has to. It’s one of the things I hate the most about you - people just let you get away with anything. It’s infuriating.”

“Hey, that is not true.” he side eyes you, “also, the thing you hate the most about me is how other people treat me? Really? That’s not even about me.”

“No, the thing I hate the most about you is how you treat me.”

“Well, someone has to,” your words felt icier thrown back at you.

As the conversation slipped to silence, you realized this was the first time you’d ever spoken to him alone. He almost seemed sincere, but you still weren't friendly. The rest of the walk continued like this. The dead air between you grew in tension until you reached the building. 

“Hey, you’re friends with Raccoon Eyes too. So you’re heading to that party off campus, right?” he asks, while you walk to the stairs.

“Mina’s friend’s party? Yeah I’m going.”

“I’ll walk you there. We can talk about our project on the way. Besides, everyone else has already left.”

You nodded, not having any excuse.

“Meet you here in twenty.” 

Fixing your makeup and hair took no time and you even added a little extra eyeliner. Clothes were another story.

Here’s the issue: all of the cute outfits you’d discussed wearing earlier in the week didn’t work unless you wanted to show off your massively bandaged arms. Out of time, you panicked throwing on a baggy long sleeve shirt with the skinny jeans and boots you were already wearing. Grabbing your sweatshirt to throw over the top, you ran out the door. Frumpy but at least no one would ask questions.

“Wow, it’s like you didn’t even try,” his voice calls out from the lobby.

“Oh, fuck you Bakugo! Half my body is covered in gauze because of the burns you gave me. Nothing looked cute.”

“You’re talking to someone who is covered in scars. No one cares. Besides, if anyone does say shit about it, I’ll kill ‘em. I owe you that much.”

"You covered the scars on your arm with tattoos though, doesn't count."

Ignoring this, Bakugo’s red eyes looked you up and down once more before running up the stairs past you.

“Now come on, Backfire, I’m not walking into a party with you if you look like that. Let’s pick something else.”

“Oh, treating me like one of your arm candy girls now? So fucking sweet of you,” you rolled your eyes but still followed him back up the stairs.

“If you were 'one of my arm candy girls', I wouldn’t have to drag you back to your dorm to change. Have to say, this is a first.”

“Ughh speaking of which, it’s ten - shouldn’t you be hooking up with someone by now?”

“Pretty hung up on that, huh?”

“On the way you treat women? Yeah, you’re disgusting.”

“Am not. I’m not leading anyone on or making anyone do anything.” 

“What if they end up wanting more?” you asked while pulling out your keys.

“Then I ditch ‘em, like I said I’m not leading anyone on.”

“Wow, you’re such a gentleman. Bet that’ll never come back to bite you.”

As you flipped the light on in your room, you were glad it’s relatively clean. Except for the pile of clothes you’d created on the bed but it’s not like you were trying to impress him of all people. 

Not missing much time, he practically dove into the discarded items you’d tried earlier. “This is cute,” he said holding up a tiny tank top, “and this one. I didn’t even know you owned stuff like this,” he said before handing you a stack to try. 

You almost commented about not wanting to take fashion advice from him before you realized actually looked good. He was wearing a grey jacket, tight black v-neck, and pants that fit really well. Fuck him.

Carefully, you put on the first shirt before looking up at the mirror. It’s a strappy black crop top. You bought it online over the summer but so far you hadn’t had the occasion (or the confidence) to wear it anywhere. The outfit, as a whole, looked cute but it really contrasted with the white cloth wrapped around your arms. 

“I look like a mummy,” you said as you walked out of the bathroom to show him.

Saying nothing, his eyes analyzed you. “No, that’s the outfit,” he said, continuing to stare critically, “do you have a sweater or something?”

“Yeah,” you said while picking a thick oversized grey cardigan, “you sure I don’t look like a little kid on halloween?” Why are you even asking his opinion, he’s probably just fucking with you. 

“No, you don’t,” he laughed.

The walk off-campus wasn’t the worst. He seemed to genuinely feel bad for hurting you so he got every door for you (which felt uncharacteristically nice but you decided not to get used to it.) You brought up the project from class and after a quick discussion, you both agreed it would be good to work together on it. Phone numbers were exchanged and you decided to meet tomorrow on “neutral territory”, the library. It wasn’t until you walked in the door of the house, that you realized the two of you were accidentally matching. 

Not wanting to look like Bakugo’s date of the night, you split off fairly quickly and found Jiro and Mina outside. 

“Hey, [y/n]! How are you feeling?” Jiro yelled before hugging you.

“I”m okay - thanks for dropping off clothes, that was a lifesaver!” you turned to give Mina a hug as well, “thanks for the invite! This party is awesome.”

“Of course! You should grab a drink and catch up to us!” Mina slurred back. You turned when Jiro grabbed your shoulder. 

“Oh. And as a heads up, Mineta’s been looking for you,” Jiro mumbled under her breath.

“Thanks for the warning!”

He probably just wanted to recap after what happened in class today. That could wait until Monday - he could be tolerable in moderation when he was sober, but dealing with Mineta after a few drinks? Absolutely not. You made it three steps through the door when a glint of purple entered your peripheral vision and you booked it. Rushing between people, you ran down a hallway.

Now

Seeing a door to your left, you take a chance. You reach for the handle when it flies open and you collide with Bakugo, who is also cramming himself in what you’re now realizing is a closet. His arm wraps around you, pulling you against him to shut the door.

“Ouch, fuck,” you grumble after he grabbed the still raw burn on your back. Shifting back slightly, you hit a bunch of coats, leaving you pressed into his chest.

“What the fuck are you doing in here??” his hushed voice interrogates you.

“Hiding, obviously!” you respond in a whisper.

“Hiding from what?” 

“Mineta. I think he wants to talk about today but.. Ugh I can’t deal with that little creep right now.”

Upon further thought, being in a closet with Bakugo isn’t ideal either.

“You know what, I think I’ll take my chances,” you begin to press the door open when he grabs your hand.

“No, you don’t. If you open this she might see me.”

“She? Who's ‘she’??” 

“A girl in the support course. It’s so fucking stupid. I hooked up with her last week, now she thinks we’re dating.”

“So you’re hiding in a closet? So much for being direct and not leading anyone on.”

“Oh, I forgot. You’re just sooo much better than me. I’m not in the mood for a lecture,” he shifts against you, “you know what, fuck it. I’m going out there.”

“Wait!” you whisper yell at him, fighting the urge to say you told him so, “fine. I’ll drop it. Now wait a few minutes, if you open this door, I’m sure Mineta will still be lurking around.” 

“Fine.”

Taking a deep breath, for the first time since entering the closet, you become acutely aware of how good he smells. He smells clean, like laundry and shampoo, but there’s another smell. Something more subtle that really draws you to him. Not that you could be drawn much closer. In this tiny space you feel the warmth of his body, the movement of his breathing. His arm still wrapped around you. This isn’t so bad. What the fuck are you thinking?

Bakugo breaks the long silence.

“This is the worst game of seven minutes in heaven,” he jokes, in an attempt to break the tension.

“No, it could be worse. Last year I got shoved in a closet with Denki. He was wasted and pretty handsy.”

“Really? I can’t picture you playing that game, you seem-”

You laugh, “I seem what?”

“I dunno, like you’d be too good for that or something.”

“Too good for that?”

“Yeah, like. You don’t even date,” he responds.

“You don’t date either.”

“You know what I mean. You’re basically asexual.”

“Oh my god, I am not,” you reply, “ I’m just busy, that’s all. I’d love to have more fun but it takes a lot of work to keep up in school. My quirk’s not all flashy like yours.”

He pauses. 

“None of this is easy,” you almost feel like you’re imagining things when his thumb subtly rubs your shoulder. “If it makes you feel any better, I’m hard on you because I didn’t think I’d beat you otherwise.”

“I’ll tell that to Recovery Girl next time.”

“I promise there won’t be a next time. I went too far. And I got lucky. If you’d directed your quirk at me, I would have slammed into the wall and been in there with you. It was a risky move anyways and I shouldn’ have done it.” He squeezes your shoulder, “I’ll make it up to you. Come on.”

Pressing out of the closet door, you really hope no one notices you stepping out of the small space with Katsuki Bakugo. He takes your hand, pulling you down the hallway.

“Where are we going?” you ask.

“Kitchen. That little runt’s afraid of me so you’re fine as long as you stay close.”

Approaching a counter of liquor, he opens a bottle of tequila, pouring both of you a shot. He slides it to you.

You pitch an eyebrow up at him, “you think I’m taking a drink from you?”

“Oh come on, I’m not a perv. You said you wanted to have more fun and I owe you.” 

Skeptically you agree. “Okay, but I am not going home with you.”

He laughs, “who said I’d wanna go home with you? Besides, I’m still not convinced you’d ever relax enough to fuck anyone.”

“Oh fuck off, Bakugo. Clearly you don’t know me at all,” you say before downing the shot. It burns but you don’t let yourself react.

“Clearly,” he responds slightly smirking before drinking his own.

A few hours after you first started drinking with Bakugo, the two of you are sitting on the kitchen floor with the bottle between you. You’d started shot for shot but at some point managed to lose the shot glasses and switched to passing the bottle back and forth. Your sweater and his jacket piled in a ball between you.

“Okay. So,” you slur, gesturing vaguely at him, “you want to be a hero because of All Might?”

“When I was a kid, yeah.” He puts a hand on your shoulder to steady you, “but now I have more reasons, not just him. You didn’t answer my question though! Who’s yours?”

“Who made me want to be a hero?” you’d slightly dodged the question because, even in your inebriated state, the answer is a bit embarrassing. “Okay, I’ll answer but you can’t make fun of me for it.”

“That’s no fun, I already answered and you’re definitely gonna make fun of me.”

“If I was going to make fun of you, I already would have. You’re wearing All Might socks,” you lightly kick his ankle, the blue and red socks showing where his pant legs slid up. He glances down before his head lolls back towards you, staring expectantly.

“Okay, fine. Mine’s Eraserhead.”

“Eraser? Like our teacher?” he laughs, “no, that makes a lot of sense. You totally have a crush on our teacher!”

“I do not!” you lightly shove his shoulder. Unfocused, your eyes rake over him. You’d never noticed how pretty he is until now, he’s beautiful. He bumps back into you.

“Is that why you try so hard in class? You should tell him!” he picks up your phone from the floor.

“No! But also kind of?” your hand reaches towards your phone, missing his entirely, “I don’t have a crush on him but I want him to like me.” he raises his eyebrows at you, “NOT LIKE THAT!” you pause before continuing, “how would you feel if All Might didn’t like you?”

“He doesn’t dislike you.”

“He made me work with you,” you blurt out without thinking.

Bakugo flinches slightly at the honesty, but he seems to get it. “He’s not stupid, [l/n]. He’s had almost two years to see that we fight all the time and he just wants us to get along or something.” 

“If only he could see us now,” you laugh. To a stranger, you probably look quite close right now. Your leg over his, his arm over your shoulder, leaning in towards each other.

Wait, fuck.

His glossy crimson eyes light up, “wait! I’ve got it, that’s what you should send him!” he says while sloppily swiping the camera open on your phone and flipping the screen to a selfie. Pulling you in closer, your head falls onto his shoulder. The screen of your phone flashes lightly and he drops the arm in front of you, but you can’t be bothered to move. Tipping your face into him, your eyes closing. He really does smell so good.

 “Aww it’s like we’re friends, he’ll love it,” he says, nudging your phone into your hands.

Prying yourself up, your eyes adjust to the screen. As your doubled vision merges with itself, you notice the notifications in your group chat with Jiro and Mina.

Jiro [where’d you go??]

Mina [we miss you!1!]

Mina [okay, we’re looking for yuo]

Jiro [re3alyy where r u?]

“Oh shit,” you say, “my friends must have texted when we were in the closet.”

You [omggg just saw tghhese]

You [not dead]

Tipping your phone away from Bakugo, you add

You [hes so hott6t]

You [shuold i kiss himn?]

Mina [oooooooo]

Jiro [who.?]

You [image]

Jiro [no]

Jiro [defnitly not]

Mina [🚩🚩🚩]

Mina [babe, ur SLOPPY]

Jiro [is that a kitchen?? we’re otw!]

Jiro [dotn do anythng!!]

Abandoning your phone on the floor, your head droops back into his shoulder. He leans into you, pressing his cheek into your forehead. Taking the bottle from his hand, you sip idly - unable to feel the burn anymore. You wonder what it would be like to kiss him, gazing longingly at his lips that are now only inches away. 

“Blasty, you’ve been hiding [y/n] from us!” Mina’s voice fills the kitchen as your friends pile to the floor next to you, Kirishima in tow.

Jiro takes the bottle before grasping your hands and pulling you upright. “Hey, you alright?” she asks soothingly. 

“They’re fine,” Bakugo asserts, “and I didn’t hide shit. We’ve been here most of the night,” he yanks the tequila back from Jiro, polishing the bottle off in a final gulp. “All of you just suck at looking for people.”

“Come on man, get off the floor.” Kirishima urges, “let’s go kick everyone’s asses at beer pong!”

“We need to get up and go too,” Jiro adds as she and Mina collect your belongings. 

Staggering slightly, you follow your group out to the living room before everyone begins to part ways. 

“I’m gonna stay with them!” Mina whispers to you, “Eijiro will walk me home later,” she adds with a wink.

“Bye, have fun!” you hug her before turning to Jiro.

“Don't forget about tomorrow!” Bakugo yells over his shoulder, following his friends.

“One o'clock, I'll be there, ” you yell back, your words still slurring together.

“What’s tomorrow?” Jiro asks while guiding you out the door.

“School project we have to do,” you respond. 

“That makes more sense, but still. Maybe next time we go to a party you can find a boy to sit on the floor with who didn’t try to kill you earlier.” 

[loustica-lucia]

Heroes of the Dragon Age

An animation I've made for Dragon Age Day 2023, featuring my main Warden (Alyssa Cousland-Theirin), Hawke (Eleena Amell Hawke) and Inquisitor (Sulevin Lavellan)!

It's to this day one of my best artwork and I thought I should share it here too! 90+ hours between the original sketch, outfit design, the rough animation, rotoscope, inking, flat-colours, background shading and even the audio :')

Interested in the process? I detailed it below since it was my first time doing something like that:

I would like to start by saying I'm not a professional animator!Everything you've seen here is the result of experimentation and a lot of practice to learn and understand how 2D animation works.

My first idea started in May 2023. I just finished rewatching DA Absolution for the X time, and wanted to analyse why I loved the intro so much. (Even after countless rewatch, I never skipped it once.) I was inspired to study it with my main three protagonists!

Then came the first test with Alyssa Cousland-Theirin, my Hero of Ferelden! I tried to understand which part to separate for the animation. Mainly the hair and cape because it flows a lot more than the rest! If I recall, my first idea here was to make her counter flame attacks (?). Then, as the camera turns around her, I tried to add a grid to know how the camera would work around it.

I ended up making the clip longer, so she could position herself to the further left and leave space to the two other protagonists.

Now it was time to try to animate Sulevin Lavellan, my Inquisitor. I really kept that quick doodling style just to capture the vibe without putting too much time/effort into it! The background would be static to contrast with Alyssa's. I also loved the idea of a rogue sneaking!

Instead of working on Eleena Amell Hawke, my Champion of Kirkwall, I went back to Alyssa and started working with Clip Studio Paint 3D models (this entire animation has been done on the EX version of the software!) It helped for rotoscope animation and maintaining likeness! That's when I got the idea to make the background swirl around the character to let the eyes be guided by the rest of the screen!

After a couple more hours, I planned the entire animatic with 3D models and quick doodles! I finally found a cool pose for Eleena Hawke, which was honestly the hardest of the three to imagine for some reason? I tried many other poses but ended up picking an animation from the game!

This whole time, I was studying a bunch of background ideas and how studio Red Dog Culture House (who made Absolution) work! Thankfully, they have a YouTube Channel where they shared some BTS content so I could analyse it!

Then, I simplified my character and their original designs in the style of the studio! These outfits are how I imagine them after Trespasser. Alyssa as the Queen of Ferelden, looking for a cure to the Calling, Hawke following Fenris to Tevinter & Sully as a Red Jenny Inquisitor!

The idea for Sulevin's animation actually came from a piece I doodled on a live stream, when I was drawing pose studies and turning them into finished artworks haha As for Alyssa, I wanted to draw the fight that got her facial scars!

Once their designs were ready and the background ideas too, I made the rough version of the animation! Basically a sketch done on top of the 3D models to add the details, staying pretty rough just to capture the idea and movements.

Then it was time to start the lines! I decided make a folder per frame, so I could separate all he main elements and draw them one by one. It helps keeping the likeness of a character in the different frames without having big "jumps" between frames! In fact, every parts were coloured differently to recognize them, and then I used vector erasers and masks (Ah yes, the entire lineart is done in vectors of course! It's easier to adjust and save time when working on similar frames!)

At first of course, everything overlaps! But I find it easier to draw too much and erase after, just to make sure everything is coherent in each frames! The cool thing about CSP is how you can change the colour of the layers in one click! So all the coloured lines turned into black in one second, and I could reverse it just as quickly to double check!

Then I started working on Sulevin! I made a blue line to mark where her feet were, as the sketch in the background wasn't perfectly straight! (Like Sulevin's sexuality 🤭😂) The silhouettes were very quick to do, but I had fun adding more & more details as she came closer to the foreground!

I really wanted to add that little dagger trick, but I remember it required me to change the pacing of Eleena's apparition, as it was recovering her arm too quickly! I had to change the pace of multiple frames quite a lot during the project, to make sure the flow was right! For Eleena, most of her animation remained around her arms and the staff itself, as magic would be the most difficult part! That way each character has their own focus: Alyssa has a very animated background, Sulevin got the grappling hook and Eleena the ice!

Then it was time to start adding colours! Just like for the lineart, I separated every colour on it's own layer, so I could easily adjust the colours later if needed. I added one colour at the time, going through all the frames, and then another colour!

I made full palette tests with the colours I would use for their background at this point, checking if the details remained readable! Alyssa was the most challenging in terms of clothes, because I made her a very detailled armour! I had to simplify the Theirin heraldry, vectorize/redraw the Cousland, and make a brush for her cape's pattern!

Once I was done adding the flatcolours, I started the background, and oh boy it was a wild ride. For the cave, I painted multiple tests. I imagine was to use CSP panorama tools, which transform a texture into a 3D sphere, so each corners must match to look good. Sadly, it made the background very blurry, so after hours of testing, I changed ideas. Instead of the random fire balls (?) I originally imagined for Alyssa, I made three simple frames of a Rage Demon to attack her.

I ended up using the cave as a repeated pattern to make it turn 360° around the character. For Eleena, I mixed inspiration from the comics, Dreadwolf & Absolution, using warm colours matching Hawke's signature red. Just like I made the cave very grey/blue to match Grey Wardens. For Val Royeaux, it was more complex because I wanted to make it green, matching the Inquisitor's signature green. But bright green couldn't work, and the original colour during day time was blue/white/gold. So I added more leaves, played around the design a bit! After adding the rage demon, I made the shading! It was surprisingly easy and quick to do now!

I clipped a white layer on the flatcolours to not be distracted by the colours, and made thin lines to separate the light/shadows, then simply filled everything with the bucket tool! Then you set the layer to multiply and remove the white layer, and you have celshading shadows! Now the character looks out of the picture, so I added layers of blue in color burn, saturation and substract blending modes to make her look like she's in the right setting! Of course, I did the same with the other two, giving Hawke a red overlay and Sulevin green shadows!

Then I added the details, it went from white irises, to sword/staff smears to earrings and smaller finition that goes on top of these layers. To add the lights, I simply selected the shadows and reversed the selection! Using warm and cold tones to create contrast with the purple/bluish shadows! I also added more ambient light layers for Alyssa to reflect the Rage Demon fire. Now it was time to add ice magic! My first attempt had too many frames, making it look weird! Sometimes it's better to lower the frame rate to make things less bumpy!

Then I downloaded some cool ice brushes on CSP assets that made it look less like blue magical flames! But when I covered the screen in ice, I realized "Oh wait, I could make a cool transition from the ice, to blue lyrium turning red?"Red Lyrium truly links these three games and The Veilguard somehow! I spent the next hour painting over the idol and putting it in a black background, with lyrium and then the golden Dragon Age title text.

For the SFX, I used free youtube libraries sounds & "Darkspawn!" comes from the violent human female voice set (iconic for ""Can I get you a ladder? So you can get off my back!"😂🤭) After editing all that, the animation was finally done!

Here's the final math:

About 15 hours for the sketching/rough/animatic phase, 30h for the lineart, 25h for colours, 10h for backgrounds, 5h for details & 5h for music & SFX, for a total of 90 hours. Aka the same amount of time it took me to finish Baldur's Gate 3 the first time lol

If you have any question regarding the animation or the softwares etc. do not hesitate to ask, I'll do my best to answer!

[gffa]

Final verdict on Padawan's Pride? Feel free to spoil as I'm really curious about your thoughts on this!

I braced myself before listening (knowing how much anti jedi stuff bleeds into anything star wars these days...) but I'm about an hour in and surprisingly (tentatively) enjoying it! There have been a few moments that genuinely made me laugh out loud! Like Anakin straight up going "What would *you* know about intimidation?" to poor Obi-Wan sfghdjdkdlkl & Obi-Wan insisting to Yoda that they both deserve to be punished for Anakin sneaking off even after the council basically lets them off the hook and Anakin furiously shaking his head at him to shut!! up!!! & that mini Vader tease when Anakin's getting ready for the race!!

I'm enjoying Obi-Wan's characterization in this a lot so far, and I don't want to punt Anakin off a cliff like I usually do, which is nice.

Obi-Wan still grieving for Qui-Gon and spending his nights staying up to investigate his death got me right in the feels :( Him over thinking every single thing he does with Anakin while Anakin's thinking he's basically emotionless,,, but then when Obi-Wan's trying to awkwardly apologise/connect with him later and being vulnerable, Anakin is completely uncomfortable & internally going OBI-WAN??? HAS?? FEELINGS??? ABORT!! ABORT!!! DO NOT WANT!!!

I can't give a final verdict yet--I got about an hour and a half into it, realized, okay, no, there's just too much I wanted to quote and clip out for liveblogging and Jedi Citations, so I started over and am converting to text as I go, so now I'm back up to about an hour in.

And so far I love this book! Yeah, there's a couple of moments that made me wary, like I didn't know where this was going, but honestly I think the book is doing a really, really good job of presenting the characters as having the space to actually be characters.

What I mean is, for example, Anakin saying that the Jedi Temple is a prison and he hates it--Obi-Wan's response cuts through that, (Oh, well, perhaps we should take a trip to see the younglings with the laser swords, a thing prisons are famous for.) but not at the expense of Anakin's understandable frustration. He's a bored kid who craves excitement and the rush of adventure, which is understandable! It's something he's trying to work on, he's not evil for it, it's totally reasonable and understandable, just as it's totally reasonable and understandable for Obi-Wan to point out the flaw in that statement.

But what really made me love the book is when that comment comes up later and Obi-Wan makes a joke about it, and Anakin grumbles, "I wondered when you were going to throw that in my face." and Obi-Wan smiles and says he did, too. They were bantering about it! They made a joke about it! They found it kinda funny! This is what's delightful about the book, that the feelings they both went through earlier are genuine, but they're not Direly Serious in this moment in time.

They're allowed breathing room to not be mouthpieces for a meta essay, but instead characters in a story going through things.

It's the same for Anakin being all ABORT!! ABORT!!! ABORT!!!! when Obi-Wan is having feelings at him, it's the same when Obi-Wan insists that, no, they should be punished for Anakin's mischief (when the Jedi Council basically said, okay, what we're going to do is send you on a mission, instead of any kind of punishment for either of them), it's the same when Anakin misses his mom and Tatooine.

The moments are allowed genuine emotional weight, I have such affection and heart-wrenching feelings for both Obi-Wan and Anakin here, but it's characters being given space to be characters with their own personal motivations and reasons, to have conflict between them, but both doing their best to reach out to the other, and you can see the foundations being laid for their future incredible friendship.

I'm also utterly delighted by just how many times these two are psychically connected, like they are CONSTANTLY sensing each other--Anakin sensing Obi-Wan scratching at his incoming beard is HILARIOUS, no wonder Anakin hates Obi-Wan's beard, I'd hate it, too, if it was in my mind making me itchy!

But also that they know each other, they don't have to even be looking at each other to feel what the other feels, because that's what a Force bond is--knowing someone so well that they're connected to your soul, even when you're cranky af at them.

I still have three hours of the book left to go but I've enjoyed so much already and I apologize in advance to those who are exhausted by the two hundred screenshots I'm going to be yelling about. :D

[starguardianniom]

Billy and Lighter

I love their dynamic so much.

Freaking Lighter of all people sees Billy as his worthy rival.

Ngl but I legit think it's because Billy is the only one he can fight without being afraid of passing out.

Given Lighter faints at the sight of blood and that Billy is an android, if Billy gets hurt he will probably leak oil, but no blood, which is perfect for Lighter.

I honestly, half-seriously thinks that's the sole reason Lighter considers Billy is rival, because he won't risk embarassing himself if he manages to hurt Billy while fighting as Billy has no blood for him to faint to.

But he also does respect him given he thinks highly of him and actually likes him like a brother too.

They playfully tease one another but you can also clearly see that Lighter has a high opinion of Billy and is also happy for him to have found happiness somewhere else too, and that's so wholesome, my heart.

I was pratically screaming of joy in my head the entire time yesterday when I speedrun the chapter (I had the day off lucky me so I used it to clear out chapter 4 entirely yeah!).

I took so many pictures, will upload them this weekend, now I need to go do that certification exam to get my people to level 50, given I need to level up pretty much everyone I have right now (Billy, Anby, Nicole, Corin, Soukaku, Ben, Anton, Seth, Jane and Lucy are the characters I currently have the game refuses me Piper and just sended me a lil army of Corins, Anby and Soukaku, now I have Anby and Soukaku to M4 and Corin to M3, though it gave me Billy M2 and Seth M2 thank god) I'll be at it for a while.

But honestly I expected Lighter to be a bit more mean toward Billy and feeling superior to him but it seems like I was worried for nothing, Lighter loves Billy and Billy loves him back, though I'm pretty sure Billy also thinks that he wasn't able to escape Lighter entirely given he now has Anby around. XD Lighter keeps forgetting things and Anby keeps forgetting the line between fiction and reality, I imagine Billy must be used to Anby because he had to spend half his time reminding Lighter of stuff all the time. XD

I swear Billy had it better than Lighter back then, given he was the Champion that means he was the strongest of the Sons of Calydon, which means he's stronger than Big Daddy, and Big Daddy is most likely the one who raised and taught Caesar how to fight, so if she didn't get the title of Champion back then, then Billy was most likely strong enough to beat her too and Big Daddy. But then he left. But he also got to meet Lighter before that, but Lighter is weaker than Caesar but still has the title for some reason, so it's a bit murky there as to why they needed 2 champions.

I think Billy wanted to leave or something happened that made him leave and then Big Daddy brought in Lighter to pick up his title but Billy sticked around long enough to make sure Lighter was up for the job given they have a good brotherly friendly rivalry relationship together so once Billy thought Lighter was ready he gave him his title and left. And then Caesar got to be the new boss of the Sons of Calydon when Big Daddy retired, and was strong enough that she was able to beat Lighter apparently.

But the title of Champion is basically being the number 2 of the gang, so if the leader isn't around it's most likely the champion calling the shots and making sure everything is alright and settling disputes and what nots, but since Lighter is pretty scatterbrained, most of the duties went to Lucy while Lighter is just now extra muscles, since Lucy is pretty much the one making sure everything is alright and being the brains of the Sons, but she clearly doesn't have the strenght to be the Champion because Lighter is the one with that title.

So I imagine Billy used to handle negotiations and relations and other stuff with Big Daddy before he left and probably used to be deadly efficient, in some parts of the story he is a lot more aware and shrewd than he presents himself most of the time, such as asking us about the H.D.D and asking why we'd bother to be proxies when we could have done so much more and get a much more lucrative job, or when he was ready to sell us out to PubSec to save the Cunning Hares and himself pointing out that the Cunning Hares could get their record cleaned if they reported a proxy, which was a very smart way of thinking given their situation back then. He is also knowledgeable about the Outer Ring, so he is way much smarter than he acts too.

I do feel like Billy is seen as a superior predecessor to Lighter and while Lighter doesn't resent Billy at all for it he also feels the need to prove himself to him in some way to live up to his "brother's" legacy.

Lucy probably didn't have much to do until Billy left and Big Daddy retired. Then she basically became the second half of the Champion title in the Sons of Calydon, being the brain to Lighter's brawn, but Billy before them had the title on his own to the point that he is still feared today by other people in the Outer Ring.

It does beg the question of what was Billy like back then, probably less happy and more brutal and having the mindset of a weapon maybe, but he was still cared for a lot.

I also like to think that Big Daddy called him Billy Kid because he honestly saw Billy as "his" kid when he bought him from a group of drifters, now I really want the whole story, if they release Big Daddy and Lighter, give them more content with Billy, I need more, Hoyo!