#this is really really long so i am not going to go back and edit it but i guess you can ask for clarification

[anumberofhobbies]

Have a reference,

By Nina Metz | Chicago Tribune UPDATED: June 9, 2018 at 1:42 AM CST

The following is an edited conversation with Matzen about Stewart and “It’s a Wonderful Life,” which will also screen at Symphony Hall on Dec. 9-11 accompanied live by the Chicago Symphony Orchestra with the Chicago Symphony Chorus. ... Q: What was it like on set, since it sounds like Stewart was a reluctant participant? A: Capra had supreme confidence in this story. Stewart not so much, but he got on board with it. It was this sense of, “This is our last shot. Hollywood went on without us, we’re not getting any younger, and if this bombs after we’ve both been away for five years …” But if you watch that performance by Stewart, there was a lot of rage in it and it’s an on-the-edge performance because that’s what those guys were feeling — they were scared that this wasn’t going to work. That the audience wasn’t going to buy it. Donna Reed (playing Stewart’s wife in the film) is one of the eyewitnesses who said, “This was not a happy set.” These guys were very tense. They would go off and huddle say, “Should we try this? Should we try that?” And it proceeded that way for months. They started shooting at the beginning of ’46 and it was a long shoot, it went into June. It was a very expensive, exhaustive production. It cost $3 million to make the thing. Q: Was Stewart also on edge because he was still working through some of his PTSD? A: Oh, absolutely. At this point, he had just started to eat again. He always had a high metabolism and always had trouble digesting food, and during the war it got worse and worse. He himself said that the only thing he subsisted on was peanut butter and ice cream. He just hadn’t been able keep food down. Now he’s starting to gain weight. But he’s still having nightmares and the shakes and the sweats. He’s got some hearing loss now, from the sound of the bombers on those seven-, eight-hour missions. So now you have an actor who, it’s not easy for him to hear his cues. Q: He wasn’t of the Method actor generation, but it sounds like he was, intentionally or not, drawing from his life in that performance, especially those scenes that reveal how untethered or frantic George Bailey is feeling. A: It was a personal and professional risk, playing that role. While he was making that film, he was questioning the superficiality of Hollywood and acting in general, and Lionel Barrymore (who plays Mr. Potter) said to him, “So, are you saying it’s more worthwhile to drop bombs on people than to entertain them?” And that really hit Stewart and was one of the things that turned him around and made him think, “OK, I do have an important role and there are things to be done.” There’s a scene in the movie where he questions his sanity and he’s got this wild look about him. That’s one scene that really struck me, watching it on the big screen. And the other scene that always made me uncomfortable, but now means so much more to me, is when he’s in his living room and he’s throwing things and screaming at his kids — and his wife and children look at him like, “Who is this man? Who is this monster?” And that is so reflective of what millions of families faced, looking at these strangers who came back from the war with this rage. Stewart played it beautifully. He just lets it out.

Jimmy Stewart & Post-Traumatic Stress: Months after winning his 1941 Academy Award for best actor in “The Philadelphia Story,” Jimmy Stewart, left Hollywood and joined the US Army. He was the first big-name movie star to enlist in World War II. An accomplished private pilot, the 33-year-old Hollywood icon became a US Army Air Force aviator, earning his 2nd Lieutenant commission in early 1942. With his celebrity status, he was assigned to attending rallies and training younger pilots. Stewart, however, wasn’t satisfied. He wanted to fly combat missions. By 1944, frustrated and feeling the war was passing him by, he asked his commanding officer to transfer him to a unit deploying to Europe. His request was reluctantly granted. Stewart, now a Captain, was sent to England, where he spent the next 18 months flying B-24 Liberator bombers over Germany. Top brass tried to keep the popular movie star from flying over enemy territory. But Stewart would hear nothing of it. Determined to lead by example, he assigned himself to every combat mission he could. By the end of the war he was one of the most respected and decorated pilots in his unit. But his wartime service came at a high personal price. In the final months of WWII he was grounded for being “flak happy,” today called Post Traumatic Stress (PTS). When he returned to the US in August 1945, Stewart was a changed man. He had lost so much weight that he looked sickly. He rarely slept, and when he did he had nightmares of planes exploding and men falling through the air screaming (in one mission alone his unit had lost 13 planes and 130 men, most of whom he knew personally). He was depressed, couldn’t focus, and refused to talk to anyone about his war experiences. His acting career was all but over. As one of Stewart’s biographers put it, “Every decision he made [during the war] was going to preserve life or cost lives. He took back to Hollywood all the stress that he had built up.” In 1946 he got his break. He took the role of George Bailey, the suicidal father in “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Actors and crew of the set realized that in many of the disturbing scenes of George Bailey unraveling in front of his family, Stewart wasn’t acting. His PTSD was being captured on film for millions to see. But despite Stewart’s inner turmoil, making the movie was therapeutic for the combat veteran. He would go on to become one of the most accomplished and loved actors in American history. When asked in 1941 why he wanted to leave his acting career to fly combat missions over Nazi Germany, he said, “This country’s conscience is bigger than all the studios in Hollywood put together, and the time will come when we’ll have to fight.” This holiday season, as many of us watch the classic Christmas film, “It’s A Wonderful Life,” it’s also a fitting time to remember the sacrifices of those who gave up so much to serve their country during wartime.

[lvis44]

Cabin Fever - Pt. 3 // LH44

Lewis Hamilton x Y/N

Warnings: Swearing, Alcohol Consumption, Angst, Lewis being an ass, allusions to mental health struggles, 18+ MINORS DNI, not edited

Word Count: 5.3k+

Summary: He's your Sister in Laws best friend, you shouldn't even have to deal with him. Always seeming like a cocky arrogant prick, and now here he is crashing your family Christmas. Can you handle a full week of Lewis Hamilton? Or might he not actually be as bad as he seems?

Notes: A bit more drama for you guys tonight but this is nothing compared to what we've got coming up, oopsie lol. Hoping to get the next part out quickly so it kinda aligns with the holidays in real time! I would also formally like to start an important conversation about why the hell this man only seems to own winter jackets the color of a highlighter (im sure it's for safety when snowboarding but pls). I love you all and I'm so happy you guys are enjoying our angsty little Christmas fic!

As always, I am not a professional writer and all of this is a work of fiction and is strictly for fun. Enjoy!

**italics are a jump back in time**

The moment you make your way downstairs the next morning you are ready to turn and run back up to your room. You can hear everyone in the kitchen already, much to your surprise. Their voices are much louder than you would have wanted but you carry on, aware that the only way you’re getting coffee is by showing your face in there.

“Well good morning sleepy head! I was wondering when you’d show up.” Your dad greets you warmly.

“Hey I was up long before any of you yesterday.” You argue as he pulls you into a side hug.

“I do believe I was up before you.” Lewis pipes up with a smirk.

“Yeah yeah, whatever,” You grumble, trying to conceal the roll of your eyes but when you meet Lewis’ gaze you know you’ve failed, “I need coffee, lots of it.”

Tom laughs from over at the coffee bar where he seems to be making himself some sort of fancy espresso, “Coming right up.”

You thank him, taking a seat next to your brother at the island, watching the chaos ensuing on the other side of the kitchen. Your mother, Beatrice, and Vanessa are in what seems to be party planning mode. They’re rummaging through cupboards and running back and forth to the fridge, Vanessa has a notebook out creating some sort of list, Beatrice is loudly reading some recipe from her phone.

“How long has this been going on?” You ask the men at the counter, trying to keep your voice low.

“About twenty minutes, they’ve probably got another twenty in them.” Lewis says, picking up his coffee and watching the scene himself.

You let out a deep breath, already exhausted by the amount of energy flowing through the room, praying you don’t somehow get sucked into it as well.

“Y/N, thank goodness you’re up!” Vanessa says excitedly, finally noticing your presence on one of her trips around the kitchen.

“Good Morning.” You respond softly, trying not to allow any chance of being roped into whatever is going on.

“So,” Vanessa's voice comes out chipper and matter of fact as she puts her palms down on the counter, evidently ready to give you the full run down, “I felt so bad yesterday, I had so many things planned for a fancy breakfast and the weather just had to ruin it all so I really want to make up for all of it today. Thank you again for pulling that off yesterday, I was so grateful, but I want a big fancy family brunch, we haven't had one in so so long and I’ve been thinking about it since I started planning this trip. And I don’t want it to be our Christmas morning brunch, I want it to be its own special moment, ya know?”

You can tell that your eyebrows have gotten higher on your forehead with every word that she has said, speaking faster than you could ever comprehend at the early hour. You hear your brother take a deep breath from next to you as Lewis chuckles lowly.

“I’m sure it will be wonderful, very talented ladies doing the cooking.” Tom tells his daughter before setting a delicious smelling cup of coffee down in front of you, “Here you go Y/N.”

“Thank you, it smells fantastic.” You say sincerely, happily wrapping your chilly hands around the warm cup.

“It better, I brought my own beans and everything. That should be the best cup of coffee you’ve had in your life.” He tells you proudly.

“It was a phenomenal cup of coffee.” Lewis says with an amused smile on his face, one that Tom seems to read as more genuine than you think it really is.

“Very good, very very good.” Dylan is quickly agreeing.

“Now listen,” Vanessa’s voice is quick to grab your attention again, “you did such an amazing job yesterday with breakfast and then helping with all the storm cleanup,”

Before she can finish Lewis lets out a sound halfway between a laugh and a scoff, cutting her off, “I don’t know if I would call whatever she was doing yesterday helping.” His voice is muffled by the rim of his coffee mug but you can hear the cheek to his voice, more teasing than the jabby tone it usually carries for you, you assume it's because of the current company.

You open your mouth to defend yourself but your brother is joining in quickly, “I mean she made a valiant effort but I do think I have to agree with Lewis on this one.” He’s laughing as he pinches at your side.

You try to find the right words to argue your defense but you realize you really can’t, thinking back to your ways of helping the day before. 

You had started strong, initially heading out after breakfast to try to clean up all the branches that had been blown into the yard, that lasted for only twenty minutes before Lewis and Dylan were getting the plow and skidoo out of the garage. Once the big toys were out you had no more interest in your handheld rake and shovel. You had gone over to inspect the new fun equipment but were quickly shooed away by both Lewis and your brother, both claiming you were going to get in the way and possibly end up hurting yourself. You had accepted defeat, heading back to your sad pile of branches before once again getting quite distracted by the fun sound of the engine on the skidoo. You had done your best to act as if you were still working but you had ended up watching Lewis zip around the yard for much longer than you would have liked to admit. There was something about his level of both control and chaos behind the handlebars that scratched your brain just right and it irked you and brought you immense satisfaction all at once. Once your brother had gotten into the swing of plowing, Lewis following him down the hill to keep Vanessa's mind at ease, you had gotten back to your sad attempt at branch removal, by the time they made it back up to the house you were collecting your armful. 

“Y/N you do know that it’s been a full hour and you don’t even have enough sticks to make a mouse a campfire, right?” Lewis had taunted you when he saw you walking across the driveway as he removed his goggles, your brother laughing as he hopped out of the plow.

“Oh fuck off, at least I was doing something, you were just joyriding.” You said sassily, quickly changing course so you weren’t walking directly past him.

“I,” He started, his voice long and drawn out to dramatically make his point, “was keeping your brother safe. The buddy system is very important, you know.”

“A knight in shining,” You started to say but before you could get the whole sentence out you were falling flat on your ass, your abysmal stick pile flying everywhere.

“Woah Y/N, shit you alright?” Your brother was quick to react, leaving his open truck door to run over to you.

“You’ve gotta be kidding.” Lewis huffed out, also quickly making his way over to you.

They had both been there within an instant, squatting next to you to make sure you were alright. Your brother was handling you like fine china even though he could tell you were okay, Lewis however was immediately giving you shit.

“You do realize we’ve been here for like twelve hours and this is the second time you’ve fallen in front of me, right?” The tone of his voice was unamused despite offering you his hand to help pull you up.

“I did not fall last night.” You had tried to defend yourself as he got you to your feet, your brother still giving you a worried look like he thought you had secretly broken something.

“Because I caught you.” He had quickly pointed out.

“Whatever.” You grumbled as you bent down to collect your stick pile, admittedly leaving a good half of them behind before once again heading toward your brother's brush pile off by the shed. Before you could even make it half way, a very well aimed snowball was colliding with your ass cheek, once again knocking the sticks out of your arms. 

“I am going to fucking kill you.’ You had exclaimed loudly, quickly gathering a large armload of snow to form into your own snowball before turning around and whipping it in their direction. You ended up hitting your brother, immediately feeling a little bad because you assumed it had come from Lewis in the first place. Lewis let out a cackle when the snowball hit your brother, evidently pleased that he hadn’t been the one to get in trouble.

“Oh hell no, that was meant for you.” Dylan had said, also laughing but incredibly serious, his own snowball already being packed tightly to whip at Lewis. Much to your pleasure, Dylan was much closer to Lewis and was much stronger than you so you could tell the impact didn’t feel amazing when it finally slapped into his chest.

“I just thought you should put some ice on it after that fall, I was trying to be helpful.” Lewis laughed as he put his arms up to guard himself from any further snowballs being sent his way. You and your brother exchanged a look, both of you loading up again, hurling snow in Lewis’ direction.

He screamed as he turned to run, his snow gear making him much less agile than he would normally be. He had finally found steady footing, his own snowballs being sent in both of your directions, all three of you in a fit of laughter. Somewhere along the line your alliance with your brother had crumbled, his snowballs being sent your way as well, no longer reserved for just Lewis. By the time you finally called truce you had all been absolutely soaked, your stomachs hurting from laughing so hard and your pile of sticks long forgotten. When you made your way back to the house you had found yourself very surprised at how playful and fun that time with Lewis had been but you decided that it must have been a bit of a fluke, knowing it wouldn’t last the rest of the day.

You try to think of a way to argue your defense but you have to admit to yourself that you really can’t, you truthfully didn’t do any actual storm cleanup yesterday.

“It’s the thought that counts, I tried.” You grumble into your mug as the two men laugh.

“Well, either way, you absolutely slayed it with breakfast and putting up with them,” Vanessa gives you a smirk, trying to take away their ammunition, “so I want you to just relax this morning, Moms and I will take care of all things brunch, you just enjoy the pretty scenery and your amazing coffee.”

You smile at her, mouthing a thank you, grateful that you are not expected to be part of the brunch circus that is unfolding in the kitchen before you. Your mother and Beatrice are still frantically figuring out if they have everything for some recipe that they have selected. You sit back, watching as Vanessa returns to her chaos with your mothers, seeming weirdly at home within it. Tom and your father begin loudly discussing just where Tom is sourcing his coffee beans, raising the volume of the kitchen just that much more. You go to turn to your brother, only to find him standing from his seat to rinse out his coffee cup. Lewis is grabbing his phone and eagerly taking a call, leaving the room rapidly. You let out a sigh, choosing to make your way into the den with your coffee, hoping for some level of peace in there. The room is cozy, a fire already going and a light snow falling outside the large windows. You try to settle into one of the plush couches but as you sit there you feel yourself growing more and more aggravated. On one side you can hear your family in the kitchen, all talking loudly about different subjects that don’t even meld together into anything coherent, on the other side you can hear Lewis’ muffled voice on the phone. You can’t actually make out anything that he’s speaking about but the low timbre is enough to be disruptive. You find it hard to believe that in a house of this size you can’t find any silence, yet here you are, you shouldn’t be shocked with it being your family. You decide you can only take so much and come to the conclusion that you would rather be out in the cold and quiet than in here with the chatter. You take your coffee and head off to the foyer to find your winter gear to bundle up, the better idea of just going to your room nowhere to be seen in your head. You get as cozy as possible, grabbing a blanket out of the den before heading back to the kitchen.

“I think I’m just gonna go sit out back for a little while and appreciate the view while I have my coffee.” You awkwardly announce as you make your way to the backdoor, raising your blanket in your hand as you do.

“That sounds absolutely lovely, enjoy yourself!” Beatrice exclaims, overly enthusiastic about your plans.

When you first step out of the house you begin to question your plans, the cold air immediately hitting your face and wrapping you in an unforgiving cocoon, but the moment the door closes behind you, you’re at peace. The door seals your family and their loud chatter away wonderfully, just the gentle howl of the wind and small noises of things falling in the forest left to be heard. You make your way across the covered deck, settling into one of the luxurious outdoor couches overlooking the large backyard and forest. You snuggle as far as possible into your blanket, trying to keep as much of your body heat as possible. You can feel a deep sigh leave your body as you take in your surroundings, admitting to yourself that as much as you hate winter, you do love the beauty of the blanketing of snow. You sit in silence for a while, just sipping your coffee and enjoying the peaceful way the world is waking up, the snow falling gently. It sadly doesn’t take long for your silence to be interrupted, the door opening behind you. You let out a huff when you see who is making their way outdoors.

“Ocupado.” You say sassily as you turn your attention back out to the view in front of you.

Lewis just scoffs, making his way over to sit on one of the couches near you.

“Seriously, I just need some silence. Do you have nowhere else to go?” You groan childishly, seeing him settling into his seat.

“I let you get warm in front of my fire yesterday, I think you can share the silence of your deck with me now.” He says, his voice just as sassy.

You go to argue with him, wanting to tell him that it’s not the same and his fire was in the den, a common area, but you quickly realize that this too is a common area that you have no monopoly over. You decide to bite your tongue, rolling your eyes as he settles deeper into the couch, pulling his phone out. You decide to do the same, feeling awkward staring into the trees now that you have company. It doesn’t take long before the first post from a friend is popping up on your feed. She is back in California, a small party dress on that would have you getting hypothermia here. The post is about a party that you had known would be happening, a fun Christmas get together with a bunch of your friends that you would have loved to have been at, carefree and ridiculous fun. You let out a huff as you scroll through her post, the fomo eating you alive as you do so.

“Thought you wanted silence.” Lewis grumbles from his spot at the sound of your huff, his voice already laced with annoyance. 

“So sorry to disturb you, your highness.” You fire back at him sarcastically.

“It’s just sir, I’m a knight, not technically royalty.” He replies, his voice so cocky that it makes you want to smack him, only stopping when you see the slightly teasing smirk on his face.

You roll your eyes again, not even having the energy to come up with something witty to say back to him in the moment.

“Seriously though, what’s got you in such a mood?” He asks, sounding genuinely curious, much to your surprise. 

“I’m not in a mood.” You mutter, burrowing further into your blanket, your attention back on your phone.

He lets out a chuckle at your response, “Yeah the huffing and puffing really sells that narrative well.”

“Oh shut up, you know I don’t particularly want to be here, just let it go.” You say quietly, not wanting your family to hear your disdain for your surroundings.

“I know, and me being here probably isn’t helping that, but it seemed like there was something else going on. Thought you saw something that was upsetting you.” He says casually, shrugging like it’s a normal conversation for the two of you to be having.

You’re taken aback by his casual and genuinely curious nature, not being used to anything like this from Lewis. It takes your guard down, quicker than it should. You let out a sigh, deciding, against your better judgement, to confide in him a little bit. You know he could come back with some level of snippy remark but you were prepared for that, maybe he would actually have a normal conversation with you for once. 

“Don’t get me wrong, I love my family, but seeing everyone enjoying their lives as adults and doing what they want, where they want, I don’t know, it’s just driving me a bit insane.” You divulge, not getting your point across in quite the way you meant to.

He raises an eyebrow at you, evidently rather confused by what you mean, “I mean, you’re an adult, you spend 99% of the year doing what you want, where you want. What’s the problem?”

You just shake your head, deciding to instead show him the post that caused the initial huff. You watch as his brows furrow while he scrolls through the instagram post you handed him. Quickly his face turns from curious to judgemental. It’s his turn to roll his eyes as he finally hands you your phone back.

“So you’d rather be back in the smog of LA where you can’t even tell it’s Christmas, dressed in a skimpy dress with your friends? You’d prefer that to fresh mountain air, a white Christmas, and your family that loves you?” His tone is belittling as he reads the situation completely incorrectly, his questions coming out more as statements, as if nothing that you say now will change his mind.

Your jaw drops at the accusation, a loud scoff leaving your throat as you snatch your phone back from him, “How dare you, that was not the point I was trying to make.” You begin to argue before he’s cutting you off.

“You see those people all the time Y/N, how often do you see any of your family?” He raises his brow in challenge but doesn’t give you time to formulate a response before he’s carrying on, “We all know you don’t want to be here, just suck it up, a little bit of winter mountain air and family time isn’t going to kill you.” He doesn’t wait for a rebuttal, he just stands from his seat as if he’s just finished reprimanding a child and walks away, back inside.

He leaves you in your seat, silent and fuming but also leaving you feeling a tad guilty. He is correct, you don’t want to be here, but it has nothing to do with you preferring to be out in a skimpy dress in LA, it’s about your freedom. Having the freedom to do as you please and be where you want, something you haven’t had a ton of in your life. You hate that everyone knows that you would prefer to be somewhere else, making you feel as if you’re almost a burden. You hate that Lewis feels that he has the right to make such deep assumptions about you and treat them as fact and you hate even more that he feels he has the right to lecture you based on those assumptions. 

You end up staying out on the back deck much longer than you had originally planned, only finally making your way back indoors when Vanessa announces that brunch is served. You do your best to ignore him, not even looking in his direction. Instead you spend most of brunch quizzing Vanessa on things about her brunch that in all honesty you aren’t particularly interested in, but listening to Vanessa explain how he gets her eggs to fluffy is much better than having to even think about dealing with the man sitting at the other end of the table.

It irks you that you can hear him chatting so freely and happily down the table, as if he hadn’t accosted you on the porch mere hours beforehand. You find yourself already making a plan for escape before you’ve even cleared your plate.

Avoiding him throughout the rest of the day ends up being shockingly easy. You take an extra long time getting ready before helping Vanessa and your mom with some last minute gift wrapping. You can’t help but laugh when you see that Vanessa's “last minute stuff” actually appears to be a majority of her gifts, but you don’t complain, knowing it will take up more of your time, and in turn help in your game of avoidance. You can hear Lewis chatting off in the distance, your father quizzing him eagerly on his car collection after hearing he added something new. Lewis gushed with ease, thoroughly entertaining your fathers questions and while it could be considered a nice conversation you felt like it sounded arrogant, flashy. 

“Boys and their toys.” Your mom muttered with a laugh, also listening to bits of the conversation, your father now seemingly showing Lewis photos of a car he had back in the nineties.

“Tell me about it, I couldn’t for the life of me get Dylan out of that plow truck when we first bought it and the snow hadn’t even fallen yet.” Vanessa exclaims, shaking her head.

You just laugh as you lean back to stare out the window for a moment, admiring the way the world is beginning to turn blue as the sun goes down. As if he’s noticed it getting dark at the very same moment, Dylan is bursting into the room talking about Christmas lights.

“Get out, we are not finished in here Mr.” Vanessa is quickly squealing, throwing her body in front of the few remaining unwrapped gifts.

“Okay, okay,” Dylan laughs, throwing his hand over his eyes before continuing, “What I was saying is the lights in the forest look like they stayed up through the storm! It’s getting dark so I was hoping we could all take a walk out there, it’ll be beautiful.”

“That sounds nice Dyl, give us just a little time to get ready.” You say softly, eager to see the lights that have your brother so excited.

“Sweet, I’ll go let the guys know.” He says like a little kid, whipping around to go inform them of the new plans.

“He made an absolute wonderland out there, you guys are going to love it.” Vanessa says, already standing up to collect the remaining wrapping paper, shoving things away like she’s now on a time crunch.

You take that as your sign to go change and get ready for a winter walk. When you go to head upstairs you finally cross paths with Lewis who seems to be headed to his own room, you pause for a moment before flicking your gaze away and trying to move past him.

“Joining us on the walk?” He asks, his voice cold, sounding like he’s expectant of a no.

“Uh, yeah, of course.” You waver slightly, caught off guard that he had any words for you at all. You wished your voice had come out stronger, not wanting him to feel like he had any sort of upperhand, that he had gotten under your skin.

He does actually look surprised, his eyebrows twitching up in a certain judgemental look of disbelief before he is once again turning on his heel. He doesn’t say a word, just walks away to his bedroom.

When you make your way back downstairs, everyone is there and waiting. Dylan is animatedly explaining how he set up with power for the lights and how they follow all of the groomed paths in a certain pattern. Once he notices that you’re there he is directing everyone to follow him to the back yard, still explaining his tree lighting process on the way. You can’t help the grimace that leaves your body when you step outside, the temperature having dropped drastically since you were out here earlier. You try to just burrow further into your coat, not wanting to complain after being made so aware of your attitude earlier today.

As you wander the paths you find yourself mesmerized, Vanessa was right about the absolute wonderland of it all. The glittery lights look like stars, spanning higher up trees than you would like to think about your brother being, but regardless they are breathtaking. You find yourself falling away from the group a bit, too caught up in admiring the gorgeous trees and trying to keep as much of your warmth in as possible. Your family carries on walking, unaware of your sudden slow pace, Lewis however seems to notice and slows down himself. So much that you almost trip over him, having been blissfully unaware of his presence.

“You okay?” He asks you when you’re steady on your feet.

“I’m just fine Lewis.” Your voice is as cold as the outdoor air as you avoid looking in his direction.

“Well, from where I’m standing, you’re shaking like a leaf.” His tone has lost its earlier harshness but still carries that bit of arrogance as you catch him smirking at you out of the corner of your eye.

“Just wore the wrong jacket, I’ll be fine.” You argue, keeping your voice short but still pulling your thin jacket tighter. You're mentally cursing yourself for not having worn your puffer.

“Do you want to head back? I’ll walk with you.” His offer catches you off guard, his voice sincere and almost kind as he continues to stare at you, the smirk gone.

“I’m fine,” You say yet again, your voice slightly quieter now, “Dylan worked hard on this, I’ll survive.”

Just as you once again reiterate your argument a gust of wind comes through, picking up the loose snow and blowing it around you sending yet another chill directly down your spine. Lewis evidently notices the cold seeping deeper into your bones, taking it upon himself to make the decision. 

“Y/N and I are gonna head back to the house, she’s getting a little too cold, gonna get her something warm, we’ll see you guys in a bit.” He yells ahead to your family against your will. 

“Oh, hun, are you okay?” Your mother is immediately concerned.

“I’m fine, I’m not going back.” You start to insist but Lewis is stepping in yet again.

“She’s fine, just wore the wrong jacket. The lights look amazing Dylan, well come see them when she’s warmed up.” Before you can say anything he’s starting to usher you back down the path, Dylan is thanking him and Vanessa is telling you where to find more blankets. 

Lewis is guiding you down the path, his body close against your back and his grip firm on your waist as if you don’t know the way. You hate the way he is manhandling you but you have to admit you are relishing in the warmth coming from the proximity. You don’t allow it to go on for too long, wrenching yourself out of his grip once you’re far enough away from your family. You pick up your pace, both in a show of defiance and actually quite wanting to get back to the warmth of the house. You hear him let out a scoff behind you as you throw your little tantrum.

The heat of the house is immediately welcoming, wrapping around you like a hug the moment you open the door. You take a moment to let the heat sink into your bones before even moving to remove your jacket. Lewis stands there watching you for a moment, just shaking his head before taking off his own large puffer.

“What?” You groan, assuming he has a comment to make.

“You know sub zero temps usually require a little more than a flimsy fashion jacket from the mall, right?” His voice is laced with judgement again, the kindness from the forest long gone.

“Oh, would you just fuck off!” You finally properly snap, whipping your head to face him.

““I’m just saying you’re a grown adult and you’re acting like winter is gonna kill you, you can’t even prepare for it” His response is quick, his tone just as snippy as yours, dripping with arrogance.

“I have a fucking parka in my room, I didn’t know how cold it was.” You throw back at him.

“Mmm sure, or you just wanted to look good for the little walk.” He accuses you, his tone condescending.

“Look good for who? I’m in the middle of fucking nowhere!” You fully yell at him, finally done with his jabs.

He ignores the question, his voice raising but not yet actually yelling, “Have you ever considered that maybe it’s good for you to be in the middle of nowhere once in a while?”

“I do not need some asshole who doesn’t even know me giving me fucking life advice, thank you very much.” You snap, no longer yelling but your voice is harsh.

“Well maybe you do because from where I’m standing you would rather be back in LA partying with your friends to post on Instagram than at your brother's beautiful new house with your whole family that loves you. They fucking want you here and you get to fucking see them, stop acting like its pulling fucking teeth for you to be here.” He actually yells this time, momentarily stunning you.

“Why do you even fucking care so much?” You just about scream, praying that your family is still far away from the house. The two of you haven’t even made it out of the foyer yet.

He just stares at you, his eyes hard and his chest heaving slightly. He opens his mouth before quickly snapping it shut, finally letting out a long, deep sigh. “Ya know what, I guess I fucking don’t. Go take a hot shower before you get fucking hypothermia.” He finally mutters harshly as he storms out of the room, his bedroom door slamming shut not long after.

You stand in the foyer, staring down the hallway where he disappeared, still dressed in your winter jacket. You can feel the tears pricking in the back of your eyes, immediately pissing you off that they can be caused by even Lewis. You bite lips, willing the tears to stop, but then you realize, there it is.

It finally feels like Christmas.

[incorporealbombchelle]

Friend Of The Family: Epilogue

When I wake up, the lights in Mr. Reed's bedroom have been turned off, the scented candle on the nightstand blown out. I'm sleep-warmed and a little hazy as I reach a hand around the bed next to me. Cold. Empty. Where is he? Rolling opposite, toward the edge of the bed, I fish my phone out of the pocket of my jeans. 4:09 a.m. Dad should be up in a couple hours.

I gather my clothes and hurriedly make my way into the guest bathroom, turning on the shower and ridding myself of last night's underwear. Taking a minute to scan my body in the mirror, I realize how tired I look - because I am, and I already know I'm probably going to be asleep most of the day. My thoughts are interrupted by the buzz of the phone on the vanity.

Reed: You're up early. Toast, coffee? x

Memories of last night's rendezvous fill my mind and a deep blush takes my features as I tap back : yeah down in a sec 💕

After my shower, I slip into a pair of pink flannel pajama pants and a tank top and make my way down to the kitchen, where Mr. Reed has set out my breakfast, but is nowhere to be found.

Me: thx 4 breakfast, btw where r u?

Reed: End of the hall, past the bust, door on the right. x

I take a sip of the coffee, -he remembered how I like it- and abandon the toast to find him. The hallway is dimly lit but bright light flows from under the door at the end and I let myself in.

"Hello?"

"(y/n), welcome."

He sits at a desk near the door scattered with a few different piles of books, journals, tinkering with something. I take a look around the room. It's a maze of dark shelves filled with all manner of books, records, magazines, and in the center, a large desk, on which sits a nearly burned down candlestick and behind which are two doors, one green and the other purple. There are a couple rows of what look to be pews, and a long, seemingly wine-stained Persian aisle runner, and while I'm all for meticulously curated decor, I can't quite place this room's purpose.

Taking a couple steps further in, I look around a bit more. Portraits of different religious figureheads line a wall and I notice a vinyl player off to one side of the room. "So is this like, your office or...?"

"Office. Sanctuary. Man-Cave. Whatever you like." He doesn't look up.

"Huh. Cozy. And why have I been summoned here at nearly 5am?"

"You woke up at nearly 5am, I heard your dainty little footsteps, and I figured that maybe... you'd like to open a gift, what do you say?"

"I say...yes, please" I beam, closing the door behind me and wandering behind his seat at the desk. He has a journal of barely legible scrawl open and I watch over his shoulder as Mr. Reed carves details into a small wooden figurine. Resting a hand over either of his shoulders, I set my chin on his head and he relaxes his arms, setting down the figure and carving knife. "Right. Take a seat just there," he gestures to the pews, "hold out your hands and close your eyes, please." He taps the tops of my hands and I do as he says.

Taking my seat and closing my eyes, I hear Mr. Reed shuffling through the room behind me and then feel him settling into the pew just beside me.

"Don't look yet, dear."

"I'm not, I swear," I laugh, feeling a weight settle into my palms, and run the tips of my fingers along the edge of it... thin... large.... square....

"Go on, then. Open."

I open my eyes and it dawns on me. It has to be a vinyl. Has to be. There's no way it's not.

I cautiously peel back one edge of the wrapping paper to see a gilded block letter 'Y' over a blue background. No fucking way. I quickly rip away the rest of the wrapping paper and in my hands sits the vinyl record cover of Lana's Born To Die : Paradise Edition... and in the left bottom corner, in gold looping script.... it's signed. My eyes go wide. I have to blink a few times to make sure this is really happening. Holding the record up to the light, the metallic script shifts and glimmers. It is real. She... she signed this. She held this. I scoff in shock, feeling tears sting the corners of my eyes.

"Well? Do you like it?"

"Thank you...so much... holy shit. How did you even get this?"

"Well, you'll remember that before the world shut down, at the height of her popularity, she used to do signings, meet-and-greets, that sort of thing... I've been to...many."

"I thought you didn't leave the house anymore?"

"Not for things like...groceries, or clothing, stupid things, but... for her, on occasion... I make an exception."

He smirks, proud of himself, and I can tell this is of the same sentimental value to him as it is to me.

"Mr. Reed, are you sure you want me to have this? You said it was one of your favorites... I can't take something like this from you..."

"Let me give you something I love, that we both do. That is what this is all about, after all."

"But I didn't get you anything-"

"Wrong. I'd say, (y/n), that your mere presence here, your personality, as pretentious, contrarian and apathetic as it's been, has been a great gift to me. So thank you, for the gift of allowing me to know you."

I attempt to blink away tears of joy but they come regardless and he wraps an arm around my shoulder as I wipe them away, "Merry Christmas, (y/n)." A kiss to the top of my head.

"Merry Christmas, Mr. Reed."

He tips my chin up. Our eyes meet, and he leans in.

As we kiss, I feel one of his hands rest on the back of my neck and it occurs to me that this may be one of the last times I get to be with him like this before Dad and I head back to the city, and the Oxbridge winter break concludes.

Mr. Reed's tongue tastes like black coffee, and he smells of cardamom and clove. He takes the record from my hands, setting it aside and pulls away for a moment. "I'll miss this. You, being here..."

"After this...When will we see eachother again, in person I mean?"

"Well, they do still allow you a summer holiday, yes?"

"Yes..."

"I don't see why you wouldn't be able to fly in..."

"But it costs-"

"I'd pay for it. Happily. You are worth at least the price of a Heathrow-Boulder plane ticket, or maybe even the other way around..." he takes one of my hands in his, quirking an eyebrow at me.

"You'd come to see me?"

"If I absolutely have to, I don't see why not. Bit of nostalgia never hurt. "

"But what about in the meantime?" 

"We have phones, (y/n), E-mail addresses. I watched E-mail come into existence, and it hasn't failed me yet. I've known lovers who stayed in touch over oceans with much less than you and I have at our disposal." He smiles and the corners of his eyes crinkle and I bury my face in his chest to keep from crying. I couldn't have estimated how strongly I'd react to the idea of leaving.

Mr. Reed wraps his arms tightly around me, a hand drawing soothing circles into my back. "Come now, that's alright. Everything will be alright, (y/n). You have my word.  You'll see me sooner than you know."

I sniffle, breathing deep as I look up at him. "Okay. Yeah. I-I'm sorry I just, I really like being with you and-"

"I know. I feel the same. We'll have tomorrow," his voices drops to a whisper "We have tonight..."

He's right and after a couple minutes, we move back to the kitchen to prepare a Christmas Eve breakfast for Dad.

Christmas comes and Christmas goes.

I recieve a green leatherbound journal from Dad, 'To the next great American novelist: never stop.' 

He and Mr. Reed unknowingly gift eachother the exact same grey cashmere sweater, and on the morning of the 26th, we share a tearful goodbye.

Upon my return to the Oxford dormitories, I unpack the Christmas cookies and Lana Record he gave me. I feel myself tear up just looking at them and send a message over Whatsapp: miss you 🥺

Seconds later : And I you. Have you unpacked your things yet? x

Me: no, just the presents from you and from Dad.

Reed: You may want to do so, left a little something at the bottom of your suitcase for exactly this occasion. x

Me: what is it?

Reed: Unpack. x

I tear into the suitcase hastily, tossing clothes, books and toiletries around the room with total abandon until-

I see it.

There, at the bottom of my suitcase; an immaculately folded checkered cardigan.

[miss-oranje-disco-dancer]

miss oranje's faves: self-recs edition

i'm not used to praising myself bc i am my biggest hater, not my biggest fan, but i was tagged by the lovely @gothcsz to participate in @jolapeno 's 'tootathon' challenge, and i originally was going to pass up the opportunity butttt i suppose i'll *try* to say nice things about myself but i love the people in this fandom so i always enjoy participating in the fun, particularly something that promotes positivity when fandoms can be so toxic sometimes. honestly, i might need to steal this idea and make a positivity challenge for the resident evil fandom (which is what i primarily write for) because we are in need of good vibes…

*because my blog is multi-fandom, my masterlist is getting big overall, so i'm going to link my javi fics and my joel fics (along with my liztober '24 because there are a couple other pedro character fics on there)

i haven't been a part of the pedro pascal fandom for long, so my work here is limited, but i will share a few things:

it's never over (javi p x reader) - a two part fic (part one is from javi's perspective, part two is from reader's)

I really liked the concept for this fic and it was something that I wrote bits and pieces of for a while. I tried to change it to a single pov because i think i’m not someone who does well with pov switches like this, but it never captured the full scope of the story i wanted to tell when i tried to make it only javi’s or only reader’s. Ultimately, while i’d like to add onto this fic because i would like to expand upon reader’s pov, i like the story that i told in the end (i love angst). Maybe there will be a part 3…

2. and for dessert? (javi p x reader) - a short, mildly smutty story about javi and a housekeeper at a hotel

i hated this fic for a while because i got caught up in the numbers but i reread it last night and i was like, ‘okay, the concept is incredibly silly, but i guess in some way, that’s the point’. Anyway, when i looked back and stopped focusing on the numbers, i realized that i actually really like this fic, and probably wouldn’t change anything about it.

3. anniversary antics (joel x reader) - joel and his wife getting it on ... heavy breeding kink here

i wrote this in an hour or so. it just came to me. straight from the smutty brain (which is rare). this is one of the few fics of mine that i re-read and actually think 'oh this is hot'!

4. everything's bigger in texas (joel x reader) - for my liztober celebration! reader loses her virginity to joel and it's a sweet and short smut.

this is my second most popular tumblr post of all time (so it doesn’t need promo here), which is very funny because i almost didn't post this at all. i thought the size kink might be too basic and overdone but i also really wanted to write an 'older' reader as i have a tendency to write younger readers (which is partially because i am 24 and have never been older than 24 vs i have been 21 etc.) and i wanted to get away from the typical innocent virgin thing.

and also, we're gonna get personal here... i'm pretty sure i have vaginismus and so it's really really difficult to have sex. i've been shamed or questioned rather than reassured during situations where i struggle or am entirely unable to. reader in this fic was not specified to have vaginismus because i was trying to keep it light and smutty, flipping it around into a size kink, but it was a bit healing to write tbh. 

I’m pretty sure everyone has already been tagged but i’ll tag some of my mutuals just in case:

@clawdee @evolnoomym @baronessvonglitter @the-mandawhor1an

[4only1]

Last Christmas - Secret Santa Part 4 (Final Part)

Featuring: Gun Park, Goo Kim, DG/James Lee, Jibeom + Jihan Kwak & Hudson Ahn Masterlist -----------------------

Gun Park

He called you to his house, well, if you could call it a house. You actually wouldn’t, it’s really more of a shack, but let’s not digress. You were glad you bundled up, the chill of December’s air prickled your skin. Looking over at Gun, you couldn’t figure out how the man was shirtless right now. 

Perhaps it was because he was so focused on the task at hand that he didn’t register the temperature. His hand moved carefully, carving away at the wood he held. The only sound heard was the knife scraping, shaving away to make a shape.

It wasn’t until Gun put the knife down, that you even realized he was done. He took a moment, turning the wooden statue around, scanning for imperfections, before handing it towards you.

You grabbed the stature, following Gun’s lead, and admiring the statue. It took a few seconds, but you noticed how familiar the statue looked. Gun watched as the gears turned in your head, happy that you recognized what he was trying to make.

He carved a little statue of you. 

The silence between you two continued as you admired how good the statue looked. No thanks were needed from you, Gun knew you appreciated it. He could tell by the sparkle in your eyes.

----------------------- Goo Kim

“Hey, HEY BE GENTLE! I got that limited edition and I am letting you hold it, be grateful.” Goo’s voice somehow was more high pitched than usual. He was also being more dramatic than usual.

He hadn’t even let you hold the gift he got you before yelling about how you needed to take care of it. His hands held a precious manga, one that you had mentioned you would like to read. 

It was difficult to find the first volume due to the older age of the series. When you did find the manga, it was quite a hefty price. Lucky you that the man in front of you happens to own the first volume and was graciously gifting it to you. 

If he got over his fit though.

Despite saying he was gifting it to you, he refused to even let it go, holding the manga close to his chest like a child would when asked to share their toy. Goo did act like a child.

“Goo give me the manga, you said it was my gift, stop hogging” You spoke, lunging forward, hands grabbing onto the manga, tugging it towards you.

Despite this, Goo didn’t let go, leading to a tug of war between the two of you for the manga.

“Let go!”

“No it was mine first, I don’t have to give it to you”

“Are you kidding me, I’m telling Gun!”

“TATTLETALE”

“YAAAA”  “YAAA”

Now you both sounded like children.

----------------------- DG/James Lee

DG had thought long and hard about what to give you. Like with everything he did, he planned out every scenario. How would you react to this or would this feel important enough to you?

For a secret santa, he was taking it very seriously. If he were still James Lee, he would have just thrown you a lollipop before walking away. But no, he was no longer that teenager who went about excelling at everything with little effort. He wasn’t about to half ass your gift.

Which brought him to the current dilemma. He had handed you the gift, the one he had spent much thought on, only to be greeted by disapproval on your face.

Disappointment was a better word to describe the emotions you felt when you opened the gift. This man, who was a successful Kpop idol and owned a company, got you an album. His album. His signed album.

He didn’t even write a special message on it, just his stupid signature.

You look at him, lips pressed thin and eyes squinted, shaking your head back and forth. You were clearly disappointed. 

“You know, a signed album only means something if you actually listen to that person’s music. But thanks, I’ll sell this for lots of money.”

Ah, he should have just got you money. That was the obvious choice.

----------------------- Jibeom & Jihan Kwak

Turns out, the Jibeom & Jihan decided it would be best to team up for secret santa. Afterall, what’s better than getting one gift from two people? Probably getting two gifts from two people but let’s not complain. 

It took the two brother’s a lot of thinking to figure out what to get you. They didn’t even ask Jichang for help!

You wish they did.

They stood, side by side in front of you, hiding something behind their back. Each of them had a smile, well, smirk, on their face.

“Close your eyes and hold out your hands” Jihan tells you, so you do.

“This gift is great to take a bath with. The nutrients soak right into your skin.” Jibeom informs you, as your gift is placed in your hands.

You let out a scream as you opened your eyes to see what they had given you.

A snake. A dead snake, but it was still a snake.

You threw your hands up, launching the snake far away, almost prompting Jibeom to chase after it.

“Are you kidding me! What kind of gift is that?” Your yelling caused Jichang to emerge from the nearby building, quickly piecing together what had transpired. 

Soon, the brother’s were on their knees, hands in the air, taking a scolding from Jichang about how terrible of a gift they got you. He made them promise to get you another, better, gift.

You didn’t trust them.

----------------------- Hudson Ahn

“So, what did you get me?” You eagerly ask, clapping your hands together in anticipation.

You didn’t notice the way Hudson swallowed his nerves. His calm demeanor remained on the outside, not showing a hint of worry. He had dragged you along to his master, Taesoo Ma’s, mountain. You assumed he was about to hand you the gift he got. 

A little bird named Jacky told you Hudson pulled your name in the secret santa. You were excited to see what the gift would be. He didn’t appear to bring anything with him, so perhaps it was something small.

Taesoo read Hudson like a book, noting the boy's slight tells that showed he was worried. Hudson took a deep breath before facing you, attempting to pose cool. Ya know, legs spread, elbow on his knee, strong eye contact, nonchalant expression.

“In Ansan, no one comes close to your level, you are unique and exceptional. I am lucky to know you. I gift you 100 points, making you one of Ansan’s finest.” 

Silence is all that followed as you and Taesoo just stared at the boy. The silence lasted a good minute, before you spoke.

“You forgot to get me anything and didn’t remember until I asked you, didn’t you?”

Again silence, until Hudson spoke again.

“Another 100 points”

-----------------------

As you returned home, your eyes gazed over at the pile of gifts you had received for secret santa. The results were…results. You could have done better, maybe next time you will provide clearer rules and a wishlist so people actually get you something you want.

The real question though, is how did all these people manage to pull your name in secret santa?

You didn’t put it in 26 times for nothing.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

Welcome to the final part of the secret santa. This was just a fun little series I wanted to do for the holiday's and I am happy with the way it turned out

Fun Facts about the series

I wrote the first three parts before I posted part 1. Part 4 was written while I published each part because I just couldn't figure out Goo or DG.

My favourite part to write was part 2 or 3

Part 4 was originally just going to include just Jihan and not Jibeom, but I decided it made the scenario more fun if I included both.

The very first character's part I wrote was Daniel's and the last was Goo's.

I think the hardest character to write for was DG.

The character I had the most fun writing were Jake, Samuel, Jerry, Gongseob, Jibeom/Jihan & Hudson.

Easiest to write for: Jibeom & Jihan

Hardest to write for: DG (I do not know this man)

[meamiki]

Happy Anniversary In Stars and Time!! Have some Friend Quest based drawings :D

(These have specific quote picks related to them! And there's also a long ramble on why I like those specific quotes below if interested)

(And by long, I mean roughly 2k+ words of proper ramble total, so be warned before clicking keep reading this link right here to the rb!!)

[creaturefeaster]

Hi... Great job on colorquest but... Im having trouble keeping up with the formatting... I haven't really been able to read it... But maybe that's just my dyslexic ass.

Hi-- thank you, first off!

But hmm, I wonder how this could be mitigated. Would alternating colors per line help alleviate dyslexia?

If you (or anyone else who is dyslexic) have any suggestions on how I could improve the dialogue layout, I'd like to hear them.

I'd like my story to be as accessible as possible.

[icewindandboringhorror]

Recent images I suppose ~

[cathymee]

maybe it's to maintain a sense of tension & turmoil that would eventually reach an explosive peak, a sense of tug-of-war, a back-and-forth to hammer home the ideals they want to deliver and for the viewers to chew on, but although these arguments regarding hiroshi & his stance as a man torn between his loyalty for his country & the loyalty for his Filipino friends and lover is of course important, how they write these scenes & the points they present from this week alone is getting too repetitive...? literally the argument scenes from last night & tonight between adelina & hiroshi is basically the same; the ideas were the same, the dynamics were the same: the aggressive, radical adelina, bristling rage and fear over the injustices she's seen thus far, and the cautious, inspiriting hiroshi, all hopefulness and reassurance one moment as a lover, defensiveness and sternness as a japanese soldier in another. this debate will be ever-present ofc, it is one of the series' biggest conflicts, but it is unfortunately so easy to tell when it is a.) being pulled up as a main topic to move the plot along / be a necessary conflict for character development/introspection / be the conflict to deliver the morals & messages the writers want to send to their viewers, or b.) when it is being pulled up only for the drama and filler to pass the time. like watching the characters sit down to argue for 10 minutes, do other things for the plot for 2 minutes, then sit down again to argue for the next 20 minutes. lol.

[high-theyre-frendough]

A while ago, I had a tag called household drama and/or vent and some recent comments from @star-weed-rebels reminded me of said drama. I figured that I might as well give a comprehensive summary of events written while sober and not during moments where it could only end up being an incoherent vent.

I originally kept the names of everyone to miscellaneous terms/insults/whatever as a way to protect identities, so I will reuse those older terms that I used to keep things consistent (though idk if I would use the same terms now).

Max - My ex-girlfriend whom I broke up with in I think July of 2023

Bitch - Ex girlfriend of both myself and my current boyfriend (she was with him for 7 years before he met me)

Daddy - My current boyfriend

Dumbass - The now ex-girlfriend of Bitch

Chef - I can't find a lot of posts talking about her but I think that I was originally calling her this? Which is odd because she is honestly really really really really bad at cooking. She was a former "Friends with benefits" with Daddy and myself. Daddy had known her since they were both young teenagers (online) but only met in person in 2021 when she moved in with him cause the house needed a roommate cause rent.

For reference - Most of the drama has died down. These are not super recent events. I've been a lot more stable these days. This is simply a description of past events that I did not explain very well at the time. Unlike most of what I post on this page, I am writing this while sober.

Line break because this is going to be long. Timeline of events might be slightly off but should be in roughly chronological order.

In 2023, I was dating a trans woman who was at the time going by the name of Max. She was extremely abusive. At the time, I felt like I deserved it. For a lot of my life, I have been very depressed/suicidal/etc. I felt like being in a relationship with her was a greater punishment than death that I somehow deserved. She treated me like shit.

For a while, I had been debating whether or not I was polyamorous. This is not something that I was really able to explore while I was in that relationship, as Max was very controlling. She herself would constantly cheat on me or seek out other partners, but would throw a massive fit and scream at me and tell me how awful I was if I so much thought about the idea of finding another partner.

There was a point during 2022 (I can't remember when exactly) when Max was in rehab for a month. During that time, i ended up having someone over at our apartment to hang out with. I found him off of Grindr, because at the time Max and I were trying to find friends or whatever off of dating apps (Neither of us were any good at finding friends in general and turned to those apps).

That guy came over to the apartment for a bit. We hung out and watched anime or whatever. Max constantly accused me of cheating on her with that man. I did not. She was constantly accusing me of cheating on her when she would hook up with anyone and everyone that she felt like it.

The last straw was in early 2023 when she found that exact guy I had hung out with that time, invited him over to the apartment (while I was asleep) and fucked him while I was sleeping. I ended up insisting that at that point that I should be allowed to pursue additional relationships.

There had been points where we had both tried to have 3 way relationships (both romantically and sexually) but the problem is that any time I would start liking the person, Max would end up yelling at me and sabotaging it in some way. I'm not not giving a whole lot of detail on this topic because this ex is pretty irrelevant (though every few months she continues to try to contact me, despite me constantly blocking and ignoring her).

Anyway, I eventually went on an app called Taimi or however you spell it, and I found Bitch. Bitch (at the time) was in a relationship with Daddy but was searching for additional partners on dating apps. I did not realize at the time, but it was honestly kind of similar to my relationship with Max.

Bitch was extremely controlling of Daddy (constantly going through his phone, accusing him of wanting to cheat on her with basically anyone who he so much as made eye contact with, etc). She was dating, fucking, hooking up with, etc with literally whoever she wanted, but if he was polite to the cashier at the grocery store; she would spend the next 4 days screaming and accusing him of trying to cheat on her.

Anyways, I met up with Bitch (who acted like a sane human being for around a month). The lease on the apartment that I shared with Max was almost up, and Bitch was looking for a new roommate for the house that she lived in, cause one of the roommates was moving out. It was a nice place, and everyone living here (yeah, I still live in this house) seemed nice.

I took the gamble on moving in cause it was a far, far nicer place than my old one and everyone seemed nice. In the end, it did work out, but whenever I think about my past self, I am reminded of how goddamn stupid and naive I was. Anyway.

That old apartment needed to be cleaned out before the lease was up. The only people who helped me cleaned it up was Daddy and my mother. At the time, I was still technically dating Bitch and Max (who was the one who actually lived there at that apartment with me).

Now let me describe this apartment to you. It was the third floor. There was no elevator, only the most awful stairs you have ever seen in your life. They were so steep and garbage with a wobbly railing. The apartment was a studio apartment with a large closet, a tiny bathroom, and a tiny kitchen.

There was also a cockroach infestation. Max and I didn't realize until after a month after we had been living there because we didn't use the stove much when we first moved in. There was a massive nest of cockroaches living in the stove. By then, it was too late.

If you don't know anything about German cockroaches, they run away when the lights are on or when there is daylight. There were so many cockroaches that they had nowhere to run. They were all over the walls, the ceiling, the floors, inside everything, everywhere. It was really fucking bad.

Daddy and my mother (My actual mother ugh why did I originally choose to call him that. whatever) helped me pick through everything that was in that nasty apartment for anything I could actually wash/keep. The whole place smelled like weed and cat piss. It was so bad.

Basically everything ended up on the sidewalk. I lived in a capital city, so everything was quickly stolen or picked apart by homeless people. I pity whoever stole any of those flat screen tvs because those were packed full of cockroaches - just like everything else. Furniture, clothes, everything. It was all garbage and nasty and horrible. I am still to this day trying to replace belongings.

It was hot, too. It was so hot and sweaty and nasty with roaches everywhere. Max had a habit of throwing food around the apartment, so there was random rotting food as well. We were on the top floor, right? She had put random raw meat on the roof/awning thing that was under the window but above the other apartment. That shit was so fucking nasty.

She also had a habit of vomiting in buckets or other containers while high, so there was also that to clean up. You don't even want to hear about the kitchen. God it smelled so fucking bad.

Oh also, during cleaning all of that, Bitch was constantly calling Daddy every 10-15 minutes accusing him of cheating on her with me. While he was helping me clean up the apartment. She wanted to stay at home and not help, but spent the whole fucking time accusing him of cheating on her with me because he was being nice and helping me out.

When would we have been fucking? In front of my mother? When we were carrying the roach-infested cat trees down to the sidewalk? In between picking through to find the only salvageable belongings? It was horrible.

My mother at some point (I think in 2021 or 2022) bought me a car. I never drove it, so it was basically Max's car. After we had moved in at the new place at some point, Max crashed the car. I had to go to the hospital to get the shards of glass cleaned off. There was glass everywhere. I actually was recording a video at the exact time the car went off the road ironically enough.

Max did all "repairs" on that vehicle herself. Usually while high. Max has little to no knowledge of car repairs. In the long run, it was all her fault. Guess who was the first person in the hospital room? The first person actually fucking concerned about me? Daddy. Fucking Max and Bitch were more concerned about him being concerned than they were about me. They literally did not even care. I tried to convince myself they did, but they didn't. Bitch was all mad that Daddy let me sit in the front seat of the car on the way home and that he bought me Wendy's. You know... after I had just been in a crash that ended with little bits of glass in my ears, eyes, throat, and lungs.

After that, I started to take Bitch's paranoid advice and start fucking around with Daddy. Soon after, I broke up with Max (who faked an asthma attack while being broken up with). She went to go live with her crackhead cousin and go back to smoking crack herself. I'm not entirely sure where she went after that. I don't care, but she keeps messaging me. Most recent time Max messaged me was about a week or 2 ago. We literally broke up in July of 2023. I cannot even begin to count how many accounts that I have blocked on so many different social media.

About a month after Max and I broke up, she had a false "wellness check" made on me. The police showed up at my house because they had been told by Max (I asked them who told them this bullshit and they said her deadname) that I had called her using an app to disguise both my name and my number while drunk and suicidal. That I was cutting myself and threatening to kill myself. No part of that was true, so the cops left.

Since then, Max has attempted to charge my old debit cards and shit (to no success), emailed my mother asking for money, texted my Daddy on his business number (he breeds and sells axolotls) telling him she hopes he dies, messaged me with varying messages on various social media ranging from "I hope you die" to "I'm so sorry I just no realized I was actually abusive."

Anyways after I broke up with Max, and she left, I pretended to be still dating Bitch for a while when I was actually dating her boyfriend, Daddy. The longer I stayed here, the more Daddy and I got along. Eventually, Dumbass moved in because we needed another roommate (god why is rent so expensive).

Dumbass quickly figured it out. She did not keep quite for super long. Bitch tried to kill me numerous times, which is why Daddy and I installed security cameras in the house. The police were unwilling to believe that a woman could ever be violent, because fuck the police. Bitch and Daddy broke up, but it was a struggle to get Bitch out of the house because the police kept treating her like the victim, despite no one harming her.

The problem was that bitch had the ability to go from "I'm gonna fucking kill you. You stupid Dyke lesbian bitch. You're only pretending to be a faggot. You'll never be a man. Everyone knows that you are nothing but a stupid pathetic little delusional bitch. I'm going to strangle you to death and kill you for stealing my boyfriend from me (etc etc etc)" To "Please help officer, I live my life in fear of this terrifying man who makes me so scared because I'm such a scared little woman in fear of this big scary man who hurts me" and she would point to the hickies that her girlfriend (dumbass) gave her and act like she was being abused.

In early October 2023, I called the police, and they were immediately suspicious of me (of course). I showed them the security video that showed me saying "what's really funny is the idea of you getting a job, considering that you've never worked a day in your life" followed by Bitch screaming "I'm gonna fucking kill you" and then putting her hands on my throat. She is on video pulling my hair, screaming about how badly she wants to kill me, while hitting me and putting her hands on my throat, trying to knock me down onto the floor. I did not fight back or do anything other than tell her to get off of me. Dumbass ended up pulling her off of me, and they went to their room, where Bitch cut herself to make it look like a fair fight.

Bitch was taken to the hospital, and brought back after about 3 hours. I had a miscarriage overnight. In the morning, I woke up bleeding. Chef asked me if I had a miscarriage. I confirmed that I had. She then took it upon herself to start faking a pregnancy. This was both to mock me, and also to try and get the attention of Daddy. She was constantly jealous of us, saying that it was not fair that he spent so much time with me, that it was her right to his attention, etc. Daddy ended up confronting her about it when he realized that she was using those fake pregnancy tests that automatically show up as positive when wet. So her attempt to get his attention backfired on her. Oh well.

The morning after she was brought to the hospital, the police showed up to arrest Bitch. She was brought back after about 3 hours. She was charged with 2nd degree harassment. Because trying to strangle someone to death and causing a miscarriage is considered only "harassment" I guess. They put in place a temporary "refrain from" order of protection (which basically means that if she committed any further crimes against me she would be arrested again).

Dumbass and Bitch ended up moving out of their own free will in early November of 2023. They moved in with Max and Max's crackhead cousin. Bitch is a methhead now or something. They broke up with Bitch stabbed Dumbass (apparently she actually went to jail for that one). Dumbass apologized to me for previously going along with Bitch and lying to the cops about me being violent. Dumbass is also now dating another one of Bitch's exs, which I find really fucking funny. Bitch is still harassing them to this day.

Did I mention that Bitch is the kind of person who plucks the wings off moths and laughs as they writhe on the ground? That she has a son (who was not even with Daddy even though he was born when they were together) that she was only allowed to see for 2 (supervised) hours per week and she wouldn't even bother going to see him half the time. During the time I knew here, the 2 supervised hours was knocked down to 1 hour per week. Probably because she wouldn't bother fucking showing up.

Anyways once Bitch and Dumbass and Max were all out of the picture, it was just me and Daddy. Oops no it wasn't. Cause Chef existed.

In mid November of 2023, I went to a reptile expo with Daddy and Chef to sell axolotls. The longer I was around, the more interested I was in the Axolotl business. I noticed that while Chef was supposed to be helping in the business, she really wasn't. She would alternate between not feeding the axolotls for days, and overfeeding them. They kept dying under her care to the point where Daddy was debating just shutting down the business. She neglected her own animals.

Over the time I lived here, I watched her button quails die off. She wouldn't replace their bedding until everyone told her a dozen times to do so. She didn't feed them regularly or give them fresh water. Any aquatics she had died from lack of being fed or having water changes. I caught an ear infection from her cat and ended up having to get antibiotics to treat her. Her bearded dragon, like everything else was pretty much starving. She like do collect animals, and then not fucking feed them. She could make any of her pets experience what it is like to be suicidal with how awful her care of them was.

At that expo, Chef got mad that I got a ball python, and how it wasn't fair that Daddy didn't buy her a gecko that she wanted. I bought that snake myself but she threw a goddamn fit cause he didn't buy her another lizard to neglect. The day after that, I took over taking care of the axolotls. I still have that notebook that I brought downstairs to track all care of the axolotls. Business is thriving and at this point I'm doing more than she ever did.

I ended up pregnant again (which is why I stopped posting on this account for a while cause I mainly only post on here when I'm smoking weed).

In march of 2024, while Daddy and I were out getting his truck inspected, Chef moved out with the help of her friends. She also falsely reported him of raping her (because she was mad that he wasn't having sex with her anymore. She was obsessed with becoming pregnant. She was constantly begging him to have sex with her all the goddamn time. i think she was hoping he was going to date her after breaking up with bitch, but he ended up with me instead. she would literally ask him to get his sperm tested, and made like weekly appointments at the fertility clinic. she was so mad that he ended up getting a trans man pregnant and ignoring her all the time that she falsely accused him of rape out of jealousy. there is evidence to disprove literally everything in every single page of her statements. the case is still ongoing but literally everything she said can be disprove down to the number of fake miscarriages she claims to have because she can't even keep that lie straight.)

[Just an insert here that I forgot to mention, but Chef would grope me constantly. She didn't stop until she was removed from the Axolotl business. She ended up stealing a bunch of axolotls when she moved out, which I had to replace with my own money. There are times where I was having PTSD attacks and would go to Daddy for comfort, and she would grope my ass. She was constantly trying to force us to enact her sexual fantasies and got mad when we wouldn't.]

I don't want to get too into that whole mess, but trust me when I say that that piece of shit has no idea what it is like to be a victim of rape. Her story changes so much it's like she was scrolling through pornhub to find her favorite fetish rather than describe an event that happened. Most of what she claims he did, I've watched her beg him to do, then get angry when he refused. She was constantly begging him to do these roleplays and shit. She was so fucking jealous of my pregnancy. She fucking moved out with the help of her friends who were never around to see how much she lied about literally everything.

Again, if you even think for a second that he could be guilty, trust me that he's not. We have literal security cameras in the house that disprove her bullshit as story. Her story doesn't even make sense as she describes acts that are not physically possible. She claimed she ordered plan b? She ordered it before she claims she was even assaults. Quite literally no part of her goddamn story makes sense, she just did this cause she was mad he didn't love her.

In her story she claimed that she was his boyfriend. That they were dating each other and that he forced her to date him or something? We have so many texts where she was begging him to fuck her??? She would constantly beg him for sex. I don't know what is wrong with her but yeah she is gone now.

Anyways, I gave birth in July 2024. Everything has been good since then pretty much. There is the ongoing legal issue but trial keeps getting delayed. Daddy's lawyer is not worried about it due to how there quite literally is evidence to disprove every single claim made by Chef. Also how everything she has said contradicts other things she said in her own statements.

I've been happy these days, something that I never thought I could really be. I'm in a relationship with someone who loves and cares about me. Who does everything he can to make sure that I'm happy. Who has never done anything to harm me. We have a beautiful son together, and sometimes life is hard but we get through it together. We've both been through a lot of bullshit, but at this point try and avoid other people and avoid drama.

Every so often we get contacted by our exes who are mad that we are together, but whatever. Block them. Block and ignore them. They don't matter.

We're both just autistic idiots trying to mind our own business. Him and his flight simulator. I've been learning to crochet. Did I mention he custom built a shed for me for my cats? Before we were even dating. Because I couldn't have my cats in the house. Its insulated, heated, etc. They have platforms on the walls. He does everything he can to make me happy. He helps me when I'm having PTSD attacks.

We run the axolotl business together. We spend our time together. I love him. I never thought I could be with someone who actually cared about me, but I finally am.

I can finally be at peace, so long as I am with him.

Oh yeah, he finally openly admits that he's bisexual now and not straight :3

[deepseawave]

obsessed w the tags on ur last reblog

Omgg, thank you haha, it was a quality post so I just had to appreciate it in full force 😂❤️

Can‘t believe someone would actually enjoy my yapping :,D

[galahadenough]

This is a scene from one of the best things I’ve ever read, book or fanfic, Blind, But Now by aperplexingpuzzle on ao3 (currently @ghirahimbo here)! I cannot recommend this story enough!

If a legend is a regal and intricately woven tapestry, hung on a distant wall, then BBN is that tapestry up close. It takes the legend and lets you see the threads, lets you feel the texture. Every knot, every spot worn smooth over time. The story sees both the original image and the pieces that make up the image. It looks at how the journey weathered the tapestry, looking at the broken threads, the frayed and discolored spots, and sees an image made all the more beautiful because it doesn’t just tell the story of the legend but the story of the tapestry.

This scene really gave me such a deep, almost physical feeling of the heat and immensity of the region. It stays with me and is one of the first scenes that comes to mind when I think about the story. I was hoping to catch a little of that, plus the overall feeling of their encounter, that edge of potential. Potential danger and potential.. something else.

[keeps-ache]

!! Freak Shock !!

[danxiously]

just escaped from cryosleep (autistic burnout) and im seeking creative fuel (your ocs/drawing requests)

[setaflow]

Happy 10 years of letting this team publicly ruin my life.

[gachaparadise]

ahhh the Penacony leaks are really coming in now.

*chuckles* I'm in danger.