#this is probably relevant to like 5 people on here but w/e

[eurodynamic]

NOT THE LOSTWAVE SONG “EVERYONE KNOWS THAT”/“ULTERIOR MOTIVES” BEING FROM AN 80s PORNO LMAOOOO

[unproduciblesmackdown]

being alive at the time i gleaned some general elements abt encanto but never actually heard we don't talk about bruno beyond awareness it existed popping off & i think i heard like the title recited off key off rhythm but in a way that indicates speak singing nonetheless lol so upon experiencing it it's like oh but it's the Verses? while the last refrain goes harder but prior to that it's comparatively underwhelming to said verses which feels appropriate like verses / pieces of a larger picture & that a "we don't talk about him" as a disappointing Lid on infinitely richer more characterful & dynamic "but: talking about him" instances. like well personally it'd be like um seven foot frame....anyway besides being able to firsthand go like oh damn Real (the kind of thing you know exists if alive at the time) it's like alright hang on lol. one thing when a core theme is yeah like "is it a refuge if 'especial' vulnerability ultimately gets pushed out rather than made safer" subset like the parties whose even observation of truths (problems) & drawing attention to them is seen as Ruining Things, like if you're painted as Making futures that aren't simply what's desired or reassuring rather than a guidance via just observing & sharing the truth. but then it's like whaddaya mean living in fear of bruno stuttering and stumbling you could always hear him sort of muttering and mumbling lmao like now that's just Association between the Truth Perceiving & Telling behavior & behavior that's just apparently distinctive of the same person. & like Not Accidentally when [what if people were magic] specifics are obviously primarily abt a metaphorical meaning & like, indeed it was made clear like oh this situation isn't Just b/c [boo we hate your prophecies] & that [an Ability that isn't directed towards what anyone Wants / is "weird" even by these magic standards] isn't Coincidentally given to someone who just so happens to already be "weird" in other ways & be set up to have a different perspective & be pushed away due to having the supposed "extra" vulnerability of unmet needs / insufficient support, same as someone who doesn't "correctly" have any kind of magic ability....like yeah banger and also like Oh Yeah Kind Of Devastating re: that metaphorical resonance allowing for like [set the metaphor aside] now hang on with this about this disabled family member lol. misinterpretation to The Ruinerrr / The Problemmm / The Maliciousss etc (i.e. the scapegoatinggg) despite their efforts likely entirely to the contrary. then despite like, efforts aside, Just Existing, always kind of muttering & mumbling like & what of it. & then like oh sorry weird pets. weird [auspicious for adaptable tenacious thriving surviving; either way simply creatures, existing] pets.

truly like As Is The Idea I'm Sure quickly becomes like hands behind back standing at the window Uh Oh Sisters musing on all the [disabled person] metaphorical & already literal elements there. blair witching it in contemplation like We've All Been There whether being so resented for the mere disruption of "existing in a group as the 'abnormal' odd one out" or like people talking shit abt anything associated w/you as soon as you've left the room, which is also made relevant like, this wasn't Only directed at this person when seemingly permanently gone, nor were they unaware / unaffected prior....pacing in the Musing parlor like things don't Have to be compared to billions but i only ever even see so many things & it's like billions sure is like "get scapegoated rword" & then said scapegoating is presented as only beneficial & we hate autists & even beyond that it's like, grabbing billions, Imagine If Things Meant To Be About Something Were About Something. quite a contrast when they are & furthermore like, deliberate thought & Care for [who gets scapegoated & why] & the truth of like, people getting pushed aside & out who have a key perspective & are primed / liable to come through for others similarly vulnerable & the supposedly Ruinous, Problems Generating disruptiveness is actually the strongest effort to make essential changes to a group. & come through with like, it'd be undermining thee point if it was "reassuring" us like oh haha people will be supportive b/c bruno will be more normal, so great that it Didn't like no, no Normality Reassurance(tm), presence of abnormalities(tm), Good, & everyone Can Deal b/c if you don't then it's pushing this person away, is exactly what happens, including even if they're still Around but are being mistreated b/c that is entirely part of that pushing away like anyone's victim blaming is ready to pounce at any time but if someone can't stand to stay / leaves b/c they can't see another option like that's not out of nowhere nor Regardless of what full support & flexibility they were getting lol. these Active Measures everyone loves so much, which are everywhere always & would include Staying & Trying To Make It Work & those efforts would be "disruptive" & resented & Bringing It On Oneself & etccc smh

that is to all say like. Woww when clearly basically the core thread was these beats of like, the crucial site of [thee scapegoated], & why that comes down on someone & how that plays out. endless ideas about how someone weird(tm) & disabled (&/or queer. but there's no Or here lol. & again like it's a Context like, to even be the one person without kids? likely not living up to "full" correct sexuality in that way alone; any oppression's logics of "inferiority" being logics of ableism, ready examples being that "inferior" race, gender, sexuality (& their experiences as people classed as inferior) all being pathologized as disordered) are seen & treated as someone Ruining Things & who cannot belong like whew. bracing. winding. which, i also recall like i was watching with headphones & during this one dialogue pause i was like "?? what's this Extra Sound i heard there" & had to go over it like twice before being hit upside the head like well it Was still the dialogue pause but it was also bruno Stuttering in a very quiet whisper for the duration of that pause before continuing like iiiiiiii x_x

[miraculouscontent]

“Didn’t Need Burrow” Masterpost (February)

Anonymous said:

Don't need Burrow: Finally, it will be revealed that Adrien is the main character and that Marinette was merely the narrator of his story (or history of their love).

The thing that we already know and won’t be a surprise.

Adrien didn’t have enough attention already but they were tired of using Marinette as their camera to his story.

Anonymous said:

Didn’t need burrow: Kagami wil decide to stay in Japan at the end of the Tokyo special. Prompting Chat Noir to start pursuing Ladybug again.

I doubt they’d make the specials official canon but I also don’t doubt Kagami getting sidelined so easily.

Anonymous said:

Alternative didn’t need burrow: Kagami won’t even be in the Japan special and all cultural knowledge will be explained by Adrien

Oh my gooooood.

*flashes back to Adrien and Gabriel greeting Kagami and Tomoe in Japanese*

Anonymous said:

Don't need Burrow: It will be revealed that Chloe is actually an innocent and naive little girl who acted like a malicious bully because she was manipulated and intimidated by Sabrina all the time. And it was Sabrina who made her bully the rest of the class and act as if everything had to revolve around her. And it will be retcon that Chloe did not abuse everyone to impress Audrey, but because Sabrina made her do it. (Note: I'm Anon that joked about Sabrina being more dangerous than Chloe)

fdjkhgjdfgfd welcome back, for sure.

I wasn’t ready for the Sabrina part since I was taking it 100% seriously up until then.

In before they say that Sabrina is just indulging Chloe and Chloe is how she is because Sabrina won’t do anything about it.

Anonymous said:

Didn't Need Burrow to know that if there is finally a white little kid gets introduced to the show, he or she(though let's be honest, most often a he) will be a sweet little angel of sunshine who's always on their best behavior and never does anything wrong, unlike all those rowdy black children(barf). Bonus if the kid has blonde hair and blue/green/grey eyes. Double bonus if someone(say, Marinette or Nadja) says to one of the other kids "See, why can't you behave like they do?" Rolling my eyes.

OMG SOMEONE ELSE SAID IT. BLESS YOU.

I always feel so awkward hating on all the kid characters for that reason but it really does come down to they’re kids and I don’t like kids. Most of them are just written as “kid” and nothing else.

Friendly piece of advice to people writing children and are afraid of doing what this show does where the personality is just “stereotypical child”...

Write characters as if they’re teenagers first, and then “age them down.” It’s the difference between writing Mylene (for example) with the personality of “child,” and writing Mylene as a younger version of herself.

It also will make it less jarring if the character happens to grow up and become a teen at some point in the story, where their personality is better established; they’ll come off as a developed person rather than someone with a completely different personality from when they were little.

(If you’re having trouble imagining said child character as a teenager/adult, there’s definitely a step missing.)

Anonymous said:

Don't Need Burrow to know that when all the kids in Marinette and Adrien's class inevitably get Miraculouses of their own, only the girls will get theirs taken from them for one reason or another, either because someone else figured out their identity or they do something stupid and risk people knowing(or people actually do know), while the boys get to keep theirs permanently and Ladybug becomes the token Smurfette on her superhero team. Rena Rouge might be the exception to this.

G I R L  P O W E R

+ I mean, for Rena, Marinette’s already regretted giving her the miraculous at least once, so yeah.

Anonymous said:

Don't Need Burrow to know that when Marinette and Adrien inevitably discover each others' identities, defeat Hawk Moth and Mayura(the only good thing about this whole scenario), and gEt ToGeThEr, it(the latter, at least) will only be in the last episode of the last season, and we will get no time to see their development from "who dis?" to friends, to lovers. Love=ma^2 shippers will punch the nearest wall, while me and everyone else will sip our salty tea and ask what the fuck they expected.

If Season 4 decides the split between Lukanette and Adrimi, that means Season 5 is just going to be a love square shipping fuel fest of absolute and complete obnoxiousness with angst that’ll lead to reverse love square at best and then nothing more.

The tea will, however, be delicious.

Anonymous said:

Don't Need Burrow to know that Adrien will continue to steadfastly insist that Marinette is "just a friend"(such as saying so when Alya or Nino confronts him on it, or saying romantic sounding things to Marinette herself that are just intended as shipper-fanservice-bait, before adding something anticlimatic like "you're a really good FRIEND")...up until the moment when the plot decides to push them together and he'll magically change his tune and say that she was always more than just a friend.

How convenient~

Yeah, the plot has this habit of just changing things so immediately that it gives you whiplash, because they’ve never built anything up. I remember that it did that for me with the Miracle Box opening in “Sapotis” to reveal all the zodiacs.

Anonymous said:

Didn't Need Burrow to know that Alya(and possibly the rest of the girl squad, but lets face it, most likely Alya so that she can be the Black Best Friend) will be used solely as a plot device to get Adrien and Marinette together(against Marinette's protests, if I may add), and Marinette will get almost no chances to make a move on Adrien on her own. I know you salt on Alya a lot but you gotta admit it kinda feels bad to potentially have her pushed aside to only support the love square.

No no, I totally agree! I don’t like Alya but I obviously feel bad that her and Nino have just become love square/plot pushers. Add in Rena Rouge and eugh, no thanks.

Anonymous said:

Didn’t Need Burrow to know when Marinette finally tells Adrien she’s in love with him, he’ll reject her, and when Marinette gets over him and gets together with Luka, then he’ll probably get akumatised because of it, and it’s all Marinettes fault for getting over him(EVEN THO HE MADE IT CLEAR HE WASNT INTERESTED!!!) and entering a healthy relationship.

This one sent me through a whirlwind of emotions.

Also, inevitable "only notice the girl who’s wanted you forever because now she has a boyfriend,” because yay.

Anonymous said:

Didn't need Burrow: Ms Bustiers pregnancy is going to be handled one of two ways, but they'll both lead to the same outcome: either

1) her pregnancy will be ignored and she'll look the same as she always has until the one episode where it's plot relevant, and she'll suddenly look nine months pregnant, or

2) she'll go from looking the way she does in the New York Special to looking nine months pregnant in the first episode of S4, possibly with the addition of cringy pregnancy jokes peppered in throughout the season until the episode where her being pregnant is plot relevant.

The inevitable outcome of this whole 'pregnant teacher' subplot will be an episode where Ms Bustier goes into labor during an Akuma attack that she (and possibly the entire class) are caught in the middle of for whatever reason, she'll give birth either during or right after said Akuma attack. LB will have to juggle both fighting the Akuma and delivering the baby, Chat will be useless during the pregnancy subplot (50/50 that he won't be much help during the Akuma attack), and there will be a moment where the two heroes are both cooing over the baby, and someone will make a remark about how they'll be such good parents one day.

I know this is probably too specific to actually pan out, but I'm confident that at least part of this will line up with what happens in the show

dfkhgjdfkgdfg oh my god, Ladybug helping deliver a baby, please kill me.

The “good parents” line absolutely made me cringe because they’d totally do that.

The thing about how Bustier will look is also 150% accurate and it pains me to say so. Her looking pregnant is the most “fleshing out” that we’ll ever get from her.

I could also see her getting a substitute instead (I originally was going to shorten it to “sub” but then I just imagined Miss Bustier eating a sub sandwich) and then coming back at some point like “oh I already had the baby, here he/she is,” and that’s how they avoid making a model for her being pregnant.

Anonymous said:

Don't Need Burrow: A character will have a bad day and get increasingly mad whenever things continue to go bad for them/when other people annoy them, but he or she will still manage to keep it cool. Only when MARINETTE does something wrong will that person finally SNAP and get akumatized, and of course, Marinette will be blamed for it despite everything already going bad for the character to begin with. It's like the writers try so hard to make things her fault when she's barely a part of it.

oh my god

This is also totally Santa Claws/Bother Christmas but with Marinette instead of Ladybug. Gotta get both sides in there, you know?

[aliciasierra]

a few months ago i made a post about najwa nimri’s cover of bella ciao (which plays over the ending credits of the last ep of part 4) possibly foreshadowing part 5. i never got around to writing the fic idea it gave me, but @look-i-wanna-be-a-halfblood revived my original post & ideas soooo here are my thoughts about what this means for alicia in part 5 ! :)

(sidenote the song came out in 2019 so it wasn’t intentionally written to foreshadow anything - but its use at the end of part 4 suggests to me some relevance)

most of the song is the same, only translated into spanish. it’s the differences between the original and najwa’s cover that are relevant to the show, and that i think foreshadows alicia’s fate.

from the very start, we have “esta mañana, me he levantado” instead of “una mattina, mi sono alzato” this morning not one morning “he descubierto al invasor” / “ho trovato l’invasor” (i found the invader). after the ending scene of alicia showing up at profe’s hideout, it’s quite literally what she did this morning. this line could contextualize this song in terms of the show.

then in the next line you get “compañero, quiero ir contigo” in najwa’s version and “o partigiano, portami via” in the original. both ‘compañero’ and ‘partigiano’ can essentially mean ‘comrade’, but from what i understand, ‘compañero’ can also suggest friendship? not to mention ‘portami via’ means ‘take me away’ while ‘quiero ir contigo’ (i want to go with you) is more personal. in general i think alicia is going to join la banda - and in the context of my analysis this being their theme reinforces that thought - but while the original bella ciao just seems like a bold statement of dying for the cause, in this version she wants to keep going on with her compañeros. she’s screwed bc of that press conference, so she probably wants to join them and start a new life for her kid. regardless of the song, i think all of this is likely to happen.

the next verse is where it gets interesting! the original is just “e se io muoio da partigiano tu mi devi seppellir” (if i die you must bury me) but najwa adds the line “y si yo caigo en la batalla coge en tus manos mi fusil” (if i fall in battle take my gun in your hands). i mean, we know they’re gearing up for a big battle, and she literally shows up at profe’s place with a gun. given what we’ve also seen from filming where we know najwa and alvaro filmed some pretty intense scenes involving blood, and while i assume it’s her giving birth (esp bc of najwa’s video from set w/o the bump) it could also be something darker. 

i imagine her cover was written in context of part 3, so the part about the gun could just be adapting it for the show in general. but its placement in the show right after alicia finds profe, and the personal nature of some of the other parts (esta mañana specifying that morning, and quiero ir contigo) really do make it seem like the song is from alicia’s perspective. and since the rest of the song lyrics don’t differ, she still talks about being buried under the flower on the mountain where people can see her, the end result would be her dying.

now the connection to alicia is obviously because najwa is singing it and bc it played right after she found them. i also think that the placement of the song could suggest sergio’s death instead - along with other factors - but that’s an idea to unpack for another day 😅

[allkinds-oftrash]

Ya girl is watching the latest HSM series ep and Imma live blog it hshshs and will add my reactions under the cut so it doesn't end up a long post. Anyways, let's goo:

AHHHH THE MORNING SHOW WITH GINA AND EJ WE LOVE TO SEE IT

They really said we're gonna let life imitate art with Nini and Olivia huh

Ricky was SUPPORTIVE??? Damnn I really thought we gonna get a classic Ricky tantrum....

But also wow sir that sounds salty and should definitely talk to someone abt how you're feeling...A therapist maybe 👀

I know we needed to contextualise how Ricky felt abt the song but I really wanted to see Nini's interview in full!!

Sebby you're so cute I do wanna see yall do DEH

Shjshshs not the rights not being available for another 5 years 😭😭

I dunno how they're in great shape and closer to the Menkies Gold after not having a single proper rehearsal, but go off Miss Jenn

Omg honestly Kourt's costumes are always amazing and on point Imma excited to see it

Kourt is such a simp we love to see it

Carlos is so pissy this episode we love to see it shshhs

Also love the way Seb calms him down and keeps him nice it's such a funny dynamic

"We had 20 people make our Belle dress over 50 hours" Okay North High shut the fuck up

I'm calling it now the reason North High knows so much is cos Howie is the leak and Kourt has been unwittingly telling him. The way her phone keeps going off as they discuss how North High knows everything is really good foreshadowing if my prediction is right

Also like her phone went off just as Carlos said "How did they know that?" THAT'S PEAK FORESHADOWING

If Howie ain't in North High, I dunno what Tim is doing

GSJAGSHAH KOURTNEY MAKING ABS FOR EJ I CANNOT

"I have abs" We know sweetie

"I PADDED THE THUSH FOR YOU" "AWW THANKS KOURT I NEEDED THAT" THIS INTERACTION IS EVERYTHING THAT WAS SO FUNNY!! I love that it is now canon that EJ has abs but no butt love that for him

Okay but like damn these costumes are great!! North High can fuck right off with its high end ones I just wanna see lowkey homemade costumes by students; I'd watch a Broadway show if I wanted to see professional costumes okay

Damn Carlos has killer eyesight clocking in that mask in the trunk

GINA BBY DON'T SAY THAT AND HAHSGSH NINI NUDGING HER WAS SO FUNNY

Nini's little look over at Gina was like "Omg you guys my girlfriend is so cute and dumb" GINI STANS HOW WE FEELING?

Miss Jenn don't be that naive, your boyfriend probably put them up to it

That Insta page is prophetic with their timing tbh; all the info is a leak obviously looking at your Howie but like the timing of it all. Those kiddos don't know that they are discussing the stolen mask at this exact moment (Kourt has put down her phone after Carlos snapped at her so Howie doesn't know they are talking abt it rn)

"We don't dance with the enemy" *cuts to her dancing with Zackey later*

SEBBY WEARING THE TEACUP COSTUME OMG HE'S GOING MAKE SUCH A CUTE CHIP (yes I am still mad Seb/Joe was robbed but Imma fangirl over the costume anyway)

Wtf why does North High look so expensive - they are literally in the same district as East High right??? How did they get this much funding

North High is a very artsy and rich for a public school; they should have had Nini go here instead of YAC tbh (like this campus feels like what YAC should have been) NOW THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN AN INTERESTING STORYLINE

Seblos' dynamic IS ON POINT THIS EP I really love my bois so much and their back and forth is hilarious

Shhshs DIANE who loves volleyball and North High okay I totally believe it

WHY ARE RED AND ASHLYN SO KINKY EVERY DAMN EPISODE TIM THESE ARE UNDERAGED CHARACTERS STOP IT

Shshsh we love Gina knowing herself and practicing self control by volunteering to be the lookout

Omg yall listen to Carlos and stfu they are so lucky no one saw or heard them yelling Wildcats

Oh no no no no no Miss Jenn you gonna get sucked in; this is gonna be so messy

Omg I saw someone post about this scene before I watched the ep YALL ARE RIGHT THAT BOI HITTING ON GINA IS SO FINE Babes go for that one, not EJ

NOT THEM FAKE DATING UGH E W TIM STOP MAKING ROMANTIC PORTWELL A T H I N G I honestly do not understand how some of yall can ship it romantically knowing Sofia is a whole underaged babey and Matty is a whole ass grown man - like I get the appeal of the Wonderstudies getting together and they do have chemistry but the irl age gap is creepy and outweighs the appeal of shipping them romantically

As I always say; Portwell/Wonderstudies should be a BROTP not an OTP

Ugh Brotp Portwell would have clocked Lily right away; romantic Portwell making googly eyes at each other isn't helping anyone

Living for Nini getting the recognition she deserves - I really like her solo arc this season she's so much more interesting without Ricky tbh

Aww Kourt you simp I love her and I'm so happy she's happy I wanna be wrong about Howie being a North High kid

Where is the mask??

OHMYGOD THESE KIDS COMING IN LIKE A HORROR MOVIE

Lily really wishes she was Jesse St. James huh; you could never Lily so stop

Andrew Barth Feldman and his cute little French accent I love him so much

Hnng Miss Jenn gonna get manipulated by this hoe. Omg wowow Zackey really is a hoe, making out with another girl before the show THE AUDACITY OF HIM SAYING MISS JENN WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH I WILL THROW HANDS WITH THIS MOFO

Wait the kids didn't steal it BUT WHAT IF ZACKEY DID

Ssjsgfajhdfg I CANNOT WITH ANDREW'S ACCENT but I can't tell if its really bad or really good but I'm also confused why didn't they just cast a French person as Antonie shshhs Antoine is adorableee and a little shit the best type of character

Lily is so annoying b y e sis bye and Olivia Keegan is talented I just wish they didn't make her character such a cartoony villain type

"How about if we bop to the top" SEBBY I LOVE YOU AND NEVER STOP BEING SO CUTE I SWEAR and Awww Carlos called him Honey I am s o f t

Hnng why do these fools are really gonna give into North High calling them chickens

OHHH NO SHE DIDN'T JUST SAY THAT ABOUT ASHLYN FUCK A DANCE OFF I AM ABOUT TO THROW HANDS WITH A 16 YEAR OLD

"She told us not to dance with the enemy. She's better than this" No Sebby, she's not *cuts to her dancing with Zackey* AND OMG THE WAY I SAW THIS EDIT COMING BEFORE IT CAME

Ooooh I like this song wayyy more whatever the mess The Mob Song became (when I first heard it drop on Spotify yesterday) Around You is such a great song musically and lyrically very relevant to these two and gosh I love their voices together

They have so much chemistry damn, go home Mike (well he technically has oop) and Mr. Mazzara

YES YOU DO MISS JENN YOU ALWAYS HAD IT

Oh god this is the scene from the trailer; she's gonna make a move on Ricky isn't she?? Leave him alone Lily he doesn't need a 3rd girl to be confused about he needs a therapist

Lily shut the fuck up with quasi; STOP TRYING TO MAKE QUASI HAPPEN

"I love Nini's song" Sure, Jan.

...Okay yes you should have called him out but don't bait him LIKE THAT oop there's the scene from the trailer

Ohmygod is Andrew Barth Feldman gonna hit on Ashlyn

Okay this is so cute but also I am VERY annoyed with the way this show handles its characters like they aren't relevant or important unless they get into a relationship or a love triangle?? That's such a shitty way to give out screentime and arcs to characters. Is it not enough to develop the characters on their own and strengthen their friendship???

HUH TIM why you so obsessed with compulsory heterosexuality??(well also homosexuality for Seblos but they are the only ones I'm not annoyed with their relationship cos its a hella big step for Disney to have a gay couple and their relationship isn't in our faces or overshadows the plot and its just spinkles of cuteness every time they interact - they are honestly who Rini wishes they were; besties in love. They are a couple that Tim should be taking notes from; leave the relationship drama in the background, focus on the theatre and friendship aspect of everything)

My mini rant aside; this is a very adorable interaction between Ashlyn and Antoine.

"TOM HOLLAND ON STILTS" GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE WITH THAT COMPARISON I AM SCREAMING ANTOINE THAT'S SO FUNNY

This is so funny he keeps picking out the hottest guys of the group; as if he himself isn't the French version of Big Red they look super alike ngl shshsh

WHY YOU RUIN IT WITH THAT ANTOINE I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU

Drama between Antoine and Red is already spicing up shshsh I cannot

Why are you so dramatic with the shuffle Lily gtfo of here...also this doesn't make sense?? She wasn't even on a BATB playlist; what if a non BATB song came on ahahah

Good to know they aren't big fans of The Mob Song like I am Awww EJ you cutie, okay I will appreciate the OG Mob Song just for you

OH WAIT HE PROLLY LIKES IT COS ITS A GASTON LED SONG TIM GIMME THE EJ SOLO I DESERVE IN THIS NUMBER

I'm being robbed of Gaston for the last 7 eps I at least deserve an EJ solo for compensation

The way the set looks straight out of Broadway but also like omg the blue lighting and fancy stage gave me intense flashbacks to that Glee episode where Vocal Adrenaline sang Bohemian Rhapsody

RICKY STOP BEING SALTY AND ACTUALLY COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND LIKE A NORMAL PERSON

OMG THE SUBTITLES SAID ITS HOWIE SINGING AS THE BEAST I FUCKING CALLED IT

Howie you hoe you gonna break my girl Kourtney's heart

Yeah...still not a fan of Antoine's Dance Remix

Yall know Gina would kill the dance number if she wasn't wearing that fit

Okay but it's Gaston led song WHY DOES EVERYONE BUT EJ HAVE A SOLO IN THIS SONG??

First the Beasts led it (Howie sounded better than Ricky ngl), then the Lumieres (their voices worked hella well together; I always forget what a talented singer Frankie is THEY NEED TO GIVE HIM A SOLO SONG) and now the Belles are going at it (Ashlyn's voice is superior)

BIG RED BEING JEALOUS AND SALTY IS SO FUNNY ITS LIKE A PUPPY BEING ANGRY I CRI

...Did anyone really win, Lily??? STFU

CARLOS IS RIGHT AND HE SHOULD SAY IT

Oooh I did see someone talk about this when the Rose Song dropped last week, apparently its illegal to add songs to a musical you're doing for a school play; I really thought the show would brush past that irl rule but I guess they are playing into it

THE WAY EVERYONE TURNED TO EJ FOR THE SPORTS METAPHOR I AM D Y I N G AND HIS FACE WAS GOLDEN! ITS LIKE THAT LISA SIMPSON MEME SHHSHSH

Okay Nini is being a little pissy about leaving her song out of the show and its a little selfish to wanna keep it at the risk of being disqualified but I also understand why she's hurt

Everyone is dog piling on her right now being against her idea and it feels like they are being against her song and her herself instead of them not wanting to be disqualified. Also like she poured her heart and soul into the song after Miss Jenn lowkey rushed her to write it. So I can see why this feels like a rejection of her and her song and why she's so hurt rather than her seeing the big picture right now

It doesn't help that Ricky said the final blow causing her to walk off

Okay maybe Zackey gets some rights for being chill and wanting the kids to be peers

THIS MOTHERFUCKER I KNEW HE WAS SHADY Also the way I gasped even though I predicted he stole the mask halfway through this ep shshsh

Stab him Miss Jenn STAB HIM

Bitch why you so threatened by East High if yall have such a Broadway-esque show planned??? They honestly should have stuck to the Little Mermaid; I really wanted to see the aquarium

"It's just a song Ricky" "A song can mean everything" Do you get deja vu? Anyone else getting intense flashbacks to Jan when DL first dropped and all the drama happened 👀

YES PLEASE STAY CO ANCHORS Gosh I love them so much esp once you take the romantic connotations out of their interactions

ROUGE GRAND I'M SCREAMING

I love this long take of checking in with everyone's relationship status (still hate how romantically focused this show has become but still a cool shot)

I K N E W IT I WAS RIGHT

Okay but like looking at Kourtney's face I have never wanted to be wrong so bad GOD I HATE IT HERE I really think he likes her and I hope they work it out

Nini setting up her own music acc feels like when Olivia rebranded her whole IG to be just for her music stuff - love this for both of them

AHHHHH SHE'S NINA NOW YALL

I know everyone loves her as Nini but like I have always loved the name Nina and it really suits her to be honest also shows how she's growing up now and kind of leans into the lyric "I won't be confined to your point of view" from The Rose Song because Nini is the nickname Ricky gave her so it shows that she's outgrowing him too and I love that for her!

Overall thoughts; they really crammed all the North High drama into one ep huh. Personally would have liked it if all of this was spread out throughout the last few episodes; like different hijinks for every episode. I'm just a big fan of properly setting up the overall arc over the season instead of patching it together closer to the climax/end of the show. Cos now it lowkey feels like two different seasons - 2A felt like The Rini/Rina Show esp with YAC storyline and whatever was going on with Rina and now 2B is finally feeling like what this season should have been all this time

[fenristheorem]

Asks/Headcanons/Stories

Rules, Details and Other Important Information

Updated May 22nd, 2021

Status: Currently NOT accepting requests / asks 

See my Masterlist here!

***The ask box will be closed within a couple days of the updated post date (April 30th). It will be closed for a couple of weeks while I bring my request count down (it’s reached over 30 requests) and due to my schedule limiting how much time I can spend writing. Any new asks I receive will be immediately posted stating the box is closed (although I’m still open to receiving comments and other questions via ask box). 

How long for an answer: About a month depending on how much work will go into it, my askbox is quiet as of late but I have many that I’m working on currently. I have almost 20 drafts and a nearly equal amount of untouched requests in my ask box.

(Rules under the cut)

Hello! If you’ve reached this post you may be interested in asking/requesting something - go ahead and do so! Just make sure you keep in mind the information I list here because if an ask/request is outside my rules I probably won’t write it (there may be some exceptions heavily depending on certain factors). Therefore, please read everything (even if it’s just skimming) so you get a basic idea of what to expect from me.

The only fandom I write for is Eldarya, if you couldn’t tell by my posts lol.

Who do I write for? (Romantically)

Primarily Lance, he’s the only route I follow on my two accounts and I’ve spent a lot of personal time nit-picking and analyzing his character so I’d say I have a thorough understanding of who he is and how to write him.

I'm second most comfortable writing Valkyon, he was my route in Origins. Even though Origins is past now, I'm still happy to write about him

I’m not very interested in the other routes, but I have a general idea of what they’re like, so I’ll write for Leiftan and Nevra, too (although what I write differs. I’ll always write friendly or fluffy relationship stuff, but I draw the line around in-depth, intimate asks. I don’t know them too well so I don’t mind writing semi-vague things about them, but they won’t be very specific). I’m more comfortable writing Leiftan than Nevra overall.

I won’t write for Mathieu as I don’t know him well enough, he seems to be a pretty basic character but I doubt that’s the case so I don’t want to write something I know will likely be nowhere near relevant to who he is.

I may write for Koori, but not as of right now; I’ll update this if I decide to do so later when I know her better.

Other than what’s detailed here, I won’t write romantically for any other characters.

Have a request that’s not romantic? Awesome, I’ll write general headcanons for any of the characters.

General headcanons basically means anything not too intimate (or an ask that covers many different topics, but that's besides the point right now), I’ll write friendly requests, but not romantic ones. Have a request that seems to walk the fine line between friendship and a platonic / fluffy relationship? Go ahead and ask anyways, I may write it and even it I don’t, it helps provide an example of what I will or won’t write.

I'm happy to write any characters as Origins instead of New Era, just be sure to specify in your ask.

What do I write? (I will add warnings for NSFW and certain angst or violence prompts and how heavy it is in the writing)

Nearly anything, really

Romance

NSFW 

Friendships/friendly fun stuff

Angst

Violence

A lot of others

There may be some things I’m not thinking of currently, but again, I’ll write pretty much anything (and I’ll keep updating this list in time)

That being said, I’m comfortable writing some genres with some characters and others not so much. But again, if unsure, ask anyways.

What DON’T I write?

Non-con (no consent)

Yandere

Suicide (I’ll write how it effects others, but I won’t write the specifics on how an actual character does it)

How to specify your ask:

So I’m a very specific person, and I can go on very long rants; just take this headcanon and this second one as an example. However, I know some people prefer small and short, so I’m asking that in your request/ask you specify which type of writing you want so I’m not constantly thinking ‘oh try and keep it short - but maybe one more bullet - oh god how did this get so long? - m a y b e   I   s h o u l d   j u s t   w r i t e   t h i s   a s   a   s c e n a r i o  - did they want headcanons or a scenario/short story?’ Don’t care about how long my response to your ask is? Cool, don’t worry about specifying length, just send your ask (but seriously, be prepared for something close to a novel lol).

In order of shortest to longest:

Mini-headcanons - Usually the fastest to write - Not as ‘mini’ as you may think. It’s not entirely short, I’ll still put in my fair share of thoughts, but I won’t go on major rants about one thing during the ask. It’s a very straightforward / to the point ask. Not interested in possibly reading an essay on why I think this is this and how I feel this effected this person? This is pretty good for you then.

Normal headcanons / headcanons (otherwise known as medium or long headcanons) - Writing time can differ based on how much I rant, but will usually take longer than mini-headcanons - Are you ok if you end up reading a small novella or a post with so many words it rivals a dictionary? Awesome, this is the type for you! Depending on the ask, I can’t promise that I’ll go on major rants that take centuries to write, but it gives me the freedom to specify and clarify things, while also adding in a few of personal comments. This type of ask really allows me to be creative and provide examples or special situations with the characters.

Scenarios / short stories - Will most likely take longer than both types of headcanons - This type of response doesn’t take place in bullets. It’s exactly as it says - a story. I won’t include my personal opinions / theories in this as stories are a narrative, not an analysis for me. This type is a bit restrictive for me as I will press myself to stay as close to canon as possible, improvising my own theories / headcanons only when necessary to bridge aspects within the story (unless otherwise specified in the ask), but other than that I don’t like to intrude my own thoughts / theories in a story. Good for readers who want drama, descriptions, scenarios, or who feel headcanons just won’t fit the ask this time. These are typically a couple hundred words long for me.

Like mentioned above - if you don’t care about how it’s formatted, don’t worry about specifying anything or just add in the ask that you’re flexible to any format. In this case, I’ll choose what format to write in based on what I feel can fit best the ask while being written well. My default is usually headcanons, though.

Other important information:

This’ll be updated more in time

Have any specific details you want about the ask? Be sure to mention it!

I’m fine with writing asks with gender-neutral characters and such. Writing the S/O’s and reader-inserts are female by default for me, but I have nothing against writing different gender alignments

Writing takes time, especially since I try my best to write quality on every ask. It will usually take me no longer than 5 days to a week to write nearly anything, however, if my ask box is busy or there’s a particularly long request that I��m writing, it could take me within 2 to 3 weeks to write some things. I’ll try to keep it first-come-first-serve, but as some asks may be shorter than others, or I’m feeling a bit more productive on certain asks than others, response time may change a bit. I’ll keep a general idea on how long to expect a response post underneath the status listed at the top of this post

I will write for OC's (original characters)! If you're comfortable with it, I would recommend you send these asks not anonymously; I'll probably DM you to get more information. Otherwise, be sure to DM me saying what your ask was so I can connect the details you give me with the specific ask. I don't mind receiving some details via Anon ask, but it would greatly restrict me if I can't clarify some things so I can write better. That being said; if you would like your ask to be anonymous but need to DM me for details, I promise I'll keep your identity a secret. It's none of my business why you wanted to send anonymously, so I won't go revealing anything.

I have a tendency to swear, but only to stress points humorously or sexually. It’s really only to add to the tone of the story. However, if you’d like to request no swearing specifically then I’ll honor that.

With that: go ahead and ask! I always look forward to writing my next request!

Over all, I’ll write nearly anything, and if you’re unsure, just ask anyways and I’ll clarify if I’ll write it or not. And the more specific you are in your ask; the better I can write it (with reason, of course. Too much limitation will hinder).

Have a request? Ask them here!

Submissions are open! Just click on me!

[fencesandfrogs]

a follow up from this post where i talk about math and me as a kid.

Wait you have dyscalculia but are a math major? Wow I have dyscalculia but I like the philosophy of math I guess like I sorta forced myself to get into it to learn, I feel I can do basic so for me it's mainly the math anxiety

@totallysweetheart​

tl/dr: the part of my brain that deals with abstract/tangible is, i think, broken, because i can’t deal with numbers as real things, but i can do that with polynomials or w/e.

so to summarize, based on wikipedia’s list of dyscalculia symptoms, here is me:

analog clocks: i’m fine to 15min in real life where i know the time of day, but in a vacuum, most real clocks r tricky. doesn’t come up. the teaching clocks i’m usually fine with because the minute hour hands are really distinct.

larger numbers: depends on presentation. purely verbally? no. visually? depends. if they both start with the same number it’s harder.

sequencing issues: not really.

financial planning: bank accounts are black magic and my mom still manages mine. i err on the side of frugal, which lead me with like 50% of my college meal plan unspent last semester.

visualizing numbers: no. nope. can’t do. not at all. numbers r fake. 

arithmetic: it sucks, a lot. i’m better at multiplying and adding, and it’s gotten better because i did a lot of practice a few years ago, but i still prefer calculators. 

number writing difficulties: yeah? hard to say i’ve been doing algebraic stuff for a long time and that really cuts down on the number of places to make those kinds of mistakes.

concepts and practice: this is where i’m strongest. my math conceptual game is strong as hell, and i don’t usually struggle with putting it into practice. even word problems i’m pretty strong at because like. it’s just math.

names of numbers: not really an issue.

left/right: also not really an issue. although it takes me a second.

spatial awareness: doesn’t exist. just. doesn’t. people don’t believe me then they ask me how long something is and i say like three feet and they’re like “it’s taller than you” and i’m like “oh really? huh the more you know”

time: im timeblind af. also adhd tho so that doesn’t help.

maps: ehhhhh. hard to say. I’m okay with some parts of maps but not others. this has definitely improved since school.

working backwards in time: i have an app for that its beautiful and i love it

music: i am good at music notation. not great at rhythm but i’m good at music in general.

dance: i did 12 years of dance. i’m not amazing, but it was a nonissue.

estimation: see: time, spatial awareness (the answer is i cannot)

remembering formulas, etc: i’m usually good at remembering this stuff.

concentration: adhd already so? maybe?

faces, names: i do not do very well here.

so like. i basically have the best possible set of symptoms to become a math major. i kind of skirted attention as a kid because i could get around a lot of my difficulties and didn’t really have anything to do but use brute force to cram multiplication facts into my head.

and because i had this really strong conceptual understanding, i just sort of survived until algebra. at which point i was very happy.

because basically most of my dyscalculia issues revolve around numbers and the real world. i can’t do time, i can’t estimate, i can’t really work with numbers. but i can work with algebra because the concepts were fine. there was just a road block.

for me, it’s kind of like having a major speech disorder in your native language. speech in the your mouth doesn’t work, not the language issues. as a kid i loved writing because the words came out the way they were in my head. they didn’t get shuffled and mangled. and that’s also how i felt about algebra. like, look! you don’t have to worry about getting the numbers right if you can move the variables around,

and obviously it’s not that complicated because i’m skipping basically from fifth grade to my junior year of high school, but even though it was a constant friction between me and everyone about why i kept making careless mistakes, even after other adhd stuff got treatment, it was generally acknowledged that i knew what i was doing, so i never really developed math anxiety. 

and as a math major, like, numbers are not a very large part of what you do. i use wolfram alpha a lot for solving that sort of thing. i do stuff that’s more about the logic parts of math. lil puzzles waiting to be solved.

it really does feel kind of like the abstract and tangible parts of my brain were swapped. because numbers really do feel abstract, but figuring out the equations of a graph is a fun game to play with friends. i usually get the constants wrong, but that’s besides the point.

i’m not entirely sure if this was helpful and/or clarifying in any way. if asked, i will usually not mention dyscalculia because? it just doesn’t feel very relevant/serious. because my management strategy is: don’t do anything with numbers and estimation ever. and then that works, because i don’t have to. it’s only really relevant in the context of me, a child, very confused about why those centimeter cubes exist, etc. 

and also, as i got older, i dug more and more into theory and proofs. learning about numbers as entities that follow rules was a really useful thing for me. learning about negative numbers made subtraction easier for me because it wasn’t addition in reverse, it was addition of a negative number. which made more sense to me.

i struggled in high school geometry because of all of the numbers and angles (i have a shirt somewhere that says “all i learned in geometry is that you can’t measure shapes”) and every time someone pointed out applications to me i kind of just went “okay but there are rulers for that”

and i do like geometry! i like how we can build properties out of simple rules and how shapes behave and its really cool you only need like 5 postulates to build a lot of geometry but if you make me deal with too many angles and i want to cry

so yeah. uh. i’m a math major & it works because when we deal with numbers, they’re almost variables in themselves? like okay we’re going to use 0 and 1 here to apply this theorem but the numbers themselves aren’t relevant.

here is a screenshot from my calc textbook, if this helps make my point. most of these concepts are things i can just. put in my head and hold the way people who can think about numbers describe numbers to me. 

i have no idea where u are in ur life but if u like math from the logic side, then pure math exists and its p cool. usually you gotta get thru calculus, and then take a course in proof writing (at my uni it’s called “transition to advanced math”) at which point everything turns into theorems and proofs and the most number intensive course is probability. i don’t even need statistics credits to graduate.

this was a lot and i tried to wrap it up like 3 times and then i had more to say because i think a lot abt math and the fact that i was lucky to have the right opportunities to not entirely chase myself away from the field (which is a lot more words and i should probably work on my hw) but if u have more questions lemme know bc! i am very dedicated to exposing people to math and why i love it.

[bookishdiplodocus]

Writing humor

George of the Jungle: A case study

I’m analysing several forms of humor in the 1997 movie George of the Jungle, and I would like to share it with you. Remember, this is a family movie, the humor is not that finetuned and often targeted towards children. Even if a movie is not your style, you can learn from it. If you want to do your own analysis, I would advise you to pick a movie with a form of humor that’s relevant in your writing. (This seems obvious, but I personally enjoy more forms of humor than I can use in my writing style and genre.)

How do I go about it, analysing jokes?

George of the Jungle is a very joke-dense movie, it averages about 2 jokes per minute, often using different humor layers within the same joke. It’s a lot, considering it also introduces all the characters and set up the storyline in between the jokes!

Every time a joke is made, I write it down word for word and try to see why exactly it is funny. Try to be as specific as possible. This is the difficult part, obviously. I included some examples to make it clear for you. Often the answer is “Contrast” or “Subverting expectations”. Obviously not all the jokes are laugh out loud funny, and they don’t need to be. Some jokes just lighten up the scene without even making you smile, or without making casual watchers notice it is in fact humor.

Bonus points if you can tell certain forms of humor are tied to certain characters. (In this case: slapstick for George when he swings into a tree again, contrast between what is said and reality for mean guy Lyle etc.)

Some examples from the case study

But first, some warnings:

Obviously there will be spoilers for this movie in this post. It’s hard to show you how a joke works without giving you the joke.

Analysing jokes makes them less funny, in the same way that analysing plot lines or storytelling techniques can make books lose their glamour.

Alright, here we go. Because this will be a longish post, I’ll put the other examples under the Read More.

Example 1:

Lyle: “I am the richest, handsomest, smartest guy here, so I get to go first!”

[Established mean guy Lyle passes by everyone, almost shoving them out of the way. He promptly trips over a tree root and lands face first in a huge pile of steaming elephant dung.]

Lyle: [lifting his head up] “There’s an elephant around here.”

Carrier: [looking right into the camera] “Bad guy falls into poop. Classical element of physical comedy. Now comes the element where we throw our heads back and laugh. Ready?

Other carriers: [also looking right into the camera] “Ready!”

[They throw their heads back and laugh.]

[Nearby monkey also laughs and points at Lyle.]

[Off-screen, more animals start laughing at Lyle.]

Lyle: [Spits out some elephant poop] “Those are nowhere near properly digested.”

[Carriers still laughing off-screen]

Lyle: “In case anyone is wondering, I’m okay.”

Technical analysis:

Lyle might be the richest, but definitely not the handsomest and smartest guy: contrast between what he says and reality. (As I told you, this is a recurring technique for him, perfect to show his personality.)

Lyle faceplanting into a pile of elephant dung: poop humor, slapstick (physical humor), the feeling that he gets what he deserves.

“There’s an elephant...”: stating the obvious. And, he says it in a deadpan kind of way.

“Bad guy falls into poop. Classical element of physical comedy”: breaking the fourth wall big time, looking right into the lens, refering to genre conventions, explaining the joke to us. Breaking the fourth wall is a meta humor in which the characters are aware of genre conventions of a fictional story (in this case, the presence of the camera/audience) and sometimes, like in this case, of the fact that they are characters in a fictional story.

“Now comes the element where we throw our heads back and laugh”: refering to a trope, genre conventions, while still breaking the fourth wall by looking straight in the camera.

Repetition: first the carriers announce what they will do in detail and right after they execute it exactly like that. It’s similar to the jokes where the narrator uses a certain phrase and right after a character uses exactly the same phrase. (See example no. 5.)

Monkeys and off-screen animals: hyperbole. Basicly, an exaggeration, in this case, built-up in steps: first his companions, then one non-human, then what seems to be the entire wilderness.

“Nowhere near properly digested”: dirty/poop humor (eww he had poop in his mouth), characterisation (Lyle is the kind of guy who will complain about everything), subversing our expectations (that’s not the first thing you and I would say when we face plant into a pile of poop).

“In case anyone is wondering”: By now, we know what kind of a man Lyle is. This, and the fact that the carriers are still laughing, implies that no-one is wondering if Lyle is okay. Again, contrast between reality and what he says

Example 2:

Narrator: “When they finally beheld the mighty Ape Mountain...” [They see a mountain shaped like a gorilla head] “...they reacted with awe.”

All: “Aww.”

Narrator: “I said “awe”! A-W-E.”

All: “Ooh!”

Narrator: “That’s better.”

Technical analysis:

Ape Mountain is shaped like a gorilla head: visual humor, subverting expectations about geographical naming conventions, breaking the conventions of a fictional movie (the shape of the mountain is obviously a joke for the watchers, not for the sake of the inhabitants in this world, or a concidence), subverting the expectations of our geological knowledge (what are the odds of a mountain actually being shaped like a gorilla head? In the real world, we sometimes see animals or other figures in mountain shapes, but not as detailed as this.)

Aww / awe: It’s a play on words, because “awe” and “aww” sound the same.

The narrator interacts with the characters and the characters are aware of the nattaror: meta humor: breaking the fourth wall.

Example 3:

[Mean guy Lyle jumps on the rope bridge, making everybody swing dangerously. An indigenous carrier falls dramatically into the deep chasm.]

Narrator: “Don’t worry, nobody dies in this story. They just get really big boo-boos.”

Lyle: “You know, they shouldn’t let unexperienced carriers like that on these tracks.”

Technical analysis:

Meta humor: breaking the fourth wall: the narrator is aware of the genre conventions + he is aware of our presence.

“Big boo-boos”: Language, contrast between the children’s word and the tough men in the harsh wilderness.

Subverting expectations: when you fall into a deep chasm, you don’t expect to get away with just some boo-boos. A boo-boo is the kind of thing you fix with a band-aid and a kiss.

Lyle’s remark: he is the reason the carrier fell. Contrast between what happened and what Lyle says.

Bonus: characterisation. Remarks like these, and especially the contrast between what happened and how Lyle sees/portrays it, show how self-centered he is.

Example 4:

Lyle: [takes a polaroid picture of the carrier.] “Do you like it? Magic picture. Yet another gift from America. Here you go. You’re welcome.”

[Carrier answers something in Swahili, not translated.]

[All the native Africans laugh out loud.]

Carrier: “[Swahili] ... 35 mm.” [Takes a fancy camera out of his own backpack and takes a picture of Lyle.]

[All the native Africans laugh.]

Lyle: [not amused] “Translation, please.”

Guide: “He says he likes your magic pictures, but he prefers the resolution of the Leica 35 mm transparencies.” [Everybody except Lyle laughs.] “He also says your lens is dirty, but he has the equipment to clean it for you.” [More laughter.]

Technical analysis:

This joke consists of 3 parts.

The set-up: Lyle is the arrogant dck who’s come from America to show the indiginous people what cultural civilisation is. We think we know where this is going...

Subverting our expectations: The carrier is not impressed, he knows Polaroid and has a camera of his own. He’s Lyle’s equal, not subversive. The way the carrier takes a picture of Lyle is a mirrored action of Lyle taking a picture of him. The similarities between these actions accentuate the differences.

Further subverting our expectations: the carrier has a lot of knowledge (implied: more than Lyle), he’s probably culturally more civilised than Lyle, beating Lyle at his own game.

Bonus: He shows his superiority in a polite way, showing he’s a better man than Lyle.

Example 5:

Narrator: “Meanwhile, at a very big and expensive waterfall set, Ursula was amazed that she was lost in the wilderness with a jungle man.”

Ursula: “And here I am, lost in the wilderness with a jungle man.”

Technical analysis:

“At a very big and expensive waterfall set”: breaking the fourth wall, referencing the fact that this is a movie with a set and a budget.

“lost in the wilderness with a jungle man”: literal repetition immediately afterwards. If Ursula can hear the narrator, it’s like he’s telling her what to say (meta). If she can’t hear the narrator, the joke lies in the “coincidence” of her saying exactly the same words he used about her, moments before.

Example 6:

Narrator: “... the carriers came dangerously close...”

Narrator: “... that is, dangerously close to shove a coconut up in Lyle’s...”

Narrator: “... (pause) sleeping bag.”

Technical analysis:

Playing with expectations: The first sentence implies they are close to a dangerous situation. The second sentence implies they are so irritated with Lyle they want to shove a coconut where the sun doesn’t shine. The third sentence doesn’t take away the second implication, but just makes it more family friendly, but it’s still a turn on our expectations of how the sentence will/can end.

Young children will find the turn between the second and third sentence hilarious, especially the implied “dirty humor”.

Example 7:

[Love interest Ursula has taken George home to Los Angeles. Her best friend shows up and starts to question Ursula.]

Ursula: “He’s in the shower.”

Friend: [Distracted by something behind Ursula] “Not anymore...”

[George enters the living room, still all wet, obviously naked (barely SFW), and for the first time his sexiness is accentuated, ironic for a man who wore a loin cloth for most of the movie.]

George: “Bad waterfall. First, water get hot -” [A saxophone starts playing off-screen.] then George slip on this strange yellow rock.” [George shows a bar of soap and drops it.]

[The perspective changes, shows the 2 friends from between George’s legs. They are obviously checking out his naked crotch.]

[Ursula sighs happily.]

George: [sees Ursula’s friend now] “Hi! George of Jungle.”

Friend: [eager] “Charmed, I’m sure.”

[Ursula strategically hands George a large book to cover his crotch. The camera zooms out now and we see George also from below the waist, still wet and tan and muscular. The friend is staring.]

Friend: [mumbles to herself, appreciatively] “Now I see why they made him king of the jungle.”

Technical analysis:

First, this is a gender reversal of a trope commonly used on female characters. I saw it described as “Born sexy yesterday”. A (usually female) character is new to this life/society/body/... and doesn’t realise that being naked has a certain effect on the other gender. In the 1990s, this was very common to happen to female characters, and not common at all for male characters.

Friend, distracted: the friend has a dirty mind.

Bonus: characterisation: Friend serves here as a contrast for Ursula, who hasn’t objectified or ogled George at all. In fact, this is the first time George is shown as sexy, so we see his sexiness through the perspective of the friend. This tells us something about the friend, but also about Ursula: he likes George for who he is, not how (incredibly sexy) he looks.

The saxophone: the movie is playing with genre expectations (off-screen saxophone means sexy time) as a hyperbole. The movie makers are pulling out all the registers in this scene to show off George’s sexiness.

“this strange yellow rock”: word choice, mental distance from an everyday object, contrast.

“I see why they made him king of the jungle”: this could be a continuity thing, but no-one has used the words “King of the jungle” up till now. So either a line was cut in which they use this phrase to refer to George, or the friend is aware of genre conventions, refering to Tarzan.

These are just some of the many, many jokes in this movie. I tried to make a small yet diverse selection.

I hope this was helpful. Don’t hesitate to ask me any questions, and happy writing!

Follow me for more writing advice, or check out my other writing tips here. New topics to write advice about are also always appreciated.

Tag list below. If you like to be added to or removed from the list, let me know.

@therska​ @writingwordsanddrawingpictures​ @the-words-we-never-said​ @writingwhithotchocolate @i-rove-rock-n-roll​ @maskedlady​ @no-time-like-write-now​ @timefire25​ @black-lakritz-dragon​ @nzmayart @fandomrandomness-stuff @dangertoozmanykids101​ @anaestheticdisaster​ @storytellingofravens​ @purpleshadows1989​ @mathematicpony​ @i-don-t-know-words​ @notquitenovelist​ @coffeescribles​ @reffaces-old​@livingthelovelylife @katsglabella @lokitty-is-my-spirit-animal @thefallenbibliophilequote​ @watchmewritedumb @sting-the-scribe​ @kais-writing-shit​ @dameschnee123​

[indie-vixen]

✨ Ten Character Tegs ✨

Rules: make a new post, name 10 characters from 10 different fandoms that you like, and then tag 10 people.

Note: I am not part of so many fandoms so I filled the list as much as I could, but I still kept it relevant, considering I absolutely adore everything on the list.

Thank you so much @sherbetcoloured and @dialovers-translations for the tag, I know it may seem like nothing, but I'm actually really happy since I'm still quite new to tumblr ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

⚠️DISCLAIMER⚠️: I'm pretty sure no one will read this BUT just to make sure it is known, this top may include some spoilers. Also, the characters are in no particular order.

.•° ✿ °•.

1. L Lawliet

Death Note was the first anime I have ever watched and I'm actually planning on rewatching it since quite some time passed (about 3-4 years?). I related to L a lot during the anime (especially to the fact that he has a huge sweet tooth) so I was very affected by the scene of his death T^T. And don't get me started on what a genius he was.

2. Matsuoka Rin

To get it started with, I absolutely adore Rin. My phone's theme is with this guy and I absolutely love it. I love how challenging he is, but still kind and caring. His character developmemt from season 1 had me shook to the fullest. Ngl, Free! has a very special place in my heart and made me cry several times through out the whole 3 seasons and the movies. It's just, their friendship is the kind we should all experience, but it gets rarer and rarer to find truly dedicated people. Free! also brought back my love for swimming (I could relate to the characters regarding this as well) so I really hope I get to go to the beach this year as well (considering covid).

3. Sakamaki Shuu

I swear this was the hardest decision in this top. Diabolik Lovers is the only place where I don't have a no. 1, but 3 no. 1's. Shuu, Laito and Subaru are my top favourites and even though I've been in the fandom for nearly 3 months now (wah, so much time passed. About Shuu, I absolutely adore how he's a not so desperate pervert and is so elegant(?) whilst doing it. He knows what he wants and has quite some self control and that's attractive as hell. Not to talk about his voice, that has me w e a k.

4. Jumin Han

I love him. And he's not what the usual me would go for, but I aboslutely adore him. I especially love his character development as well. His 2nd bad ending affected me quite a lot, since I really thought that getting as far as the 9th day meant good ending, but oh boy I was wrong. I was so sad thta I played the Valentine's Day dlc afterwards to cure my broken heart XD. Nonetheless, the good ending was a very nice one, this man is incredible and didn't fail to amaze me regarding the way he announced his and mc's relationship ♡.♡ . The way Sarah and Glam Choi were tricked was pure gold XD

5. Ichinose Tokiya

I'll start by saying that I didn't watch Utapri yet so I can't say a lot about Tokiya and it may sound bad, but I liked him immediately after seeing him for the first time because I thought he physically resembled Jumin >.< (and their personality, likes and dislikes also match?)

However, I really really can't wait to watch Utapri because it honestly seems amazing and I'm super curious of what will happen. (also, the seiyuus tho; ngl I got so much into Mamo after watching Free! And seeing he's Tokiya's seiyuu as well I was shoooook to the fullest; and the intros T^T , I absolutely adore Orpheus)

6. Dazai Osamu

Oh man, Dazai is something else (I know he's also voiced by Mamo, I suppose there may be a pattern going on in here). I absolutely love his personality a lot and added with his looks, he's d e a d l y to me. I have only seen a season and a half so far, but man, his past self was so cruel and it made me realize why many things took the wrong turn (for instance, maybe the way Akutagawa was after Dazai joined the Armed Detective?). The anime is soo good that I can't get enough of it.

7. Vera Nair (Perfumer)

I don't know how many of the people I follow know about Identity V, but I recommend this game from the bottom of my heart. Getting back to Vera, her back story is really interesting and sad; also, her in game skills proved to be useful. Her looks are very nice, though she kind of lacks skins, unfortunately. I remember when I started playing and started adding up clues for her, man that was quite a journey, but I absolutely adore her as a character and I'm not sure how good of a player I'd be without her perfume.

8. Usui Takumi

This boy right here was probably my first anime crush and I regret nothing. He is absolutely stunning and his teasing is amazing. The way he accepts to keep Misaki's secret is genuinely kind and their relationship is everything. I also like the fact that she's not your average anime girl, since she hates boys and is actually feared by them, thing that contributes to the funny side of the anime.

°•. ✿ .•°

This is the most I could put in the top, respecting the rules as much as I could. I couldn't fill it completely. On another note, there were a few other mentions I didn't include. Other favourite characters: from Free!, Makoto, Ikuya, Natsuya, Kisumi; from Mystic Messenger, V/Jihyun; from Bungo Stray Dogs, Atsushi, Ryunosuke, Chuuya, Akiko, Kyouka (and I could go on with most characters); from Identity V, Joseph Desaulnier (Photographer).

I don't think anyone would take the time to read this, but it was really fun and I'm really really thankful I got tagged. I tag @dixlov and @dirtydiabolikloversconfessions , since I'm curious of how they'd do theirs (if they have time, of course).

[s-mething-mbti]

Hiya! I just discovered your blog and was wondering if you could help try to type me (sorry this is pretty long)

1. I’m currently pretty torn between the intuitive introverts. I was able to narrow it down to INTJ, INFJ or INTP. I’m about 97.2% sure I use Ni. The only thing that’s giving me a bit of doubt is I find myself occasionally learning for the sake of learning which I’ve found is a traditionally Ne trait. Despite this I’m still pretty sure I use Ni as when I go down a rabbit hole and start learning for the sake of learning its always about a topic that interests me or is entertaining. I won’t waste my time learning about something I find mundane or drab. I resonate a lot with Ni’s “aha” moments where the correct answer simply pops into my head or a vision suddenly seems clear or a plot holes solution suddenly seems painstakingly obvious. I also resonate with starting out with a broader range of information/ possibilities and narrowing it down to one or two things. Another intuitive thing I highly relate to is living in the future. If almost never living in the present, and a constantly fixate on the future. I have a distinct, clear, and well thought out plan for the next 20 years (give or take).

Where I run into a bit of trouble is when I try to figure out which judging functions I predominantly use. It honestly feels like I use them all (though I know you’re only supposed to be able to use two well). For example I plan out everything, and set deadlines for myself. My desk often seems really messy to others especially when I’m doing art. This isn’t because I don’t value cleanliness, but because it simply makes more sense to keep all my art supplies out rather than having to spend at least fifteen minutes taking them out and then putting them away only to take them right back out the next day. I set goals based off of easily measurable, external things such as time, or grades. I make daily to do lists that outline everything I’ll need to do in the day, and some stuff to focus on if I have extra time. With my to do list I also plan out the approximate time each thing should take. When coming up with a scientific theory, I take others opinions/theories and test them against each other, and current scientific laws in order to formulate the most probable theory. External opinions (in a scientific/ logical manner) mean a lot to me (I don’t really care about how people that aren’t my friends think of me). To me these things seem very Te. But then I’m always smiling and am a fairly warm person. I want my friends to be happy, and I want to help others. I despise emotionally driven conflict(though I love debates), and while I’m not afraid to disrupt it if it threatens my morals/ is promoting something blatantly wrong (factually or morally) I do really harmony. These seem like pretty Fe things to me. As for Fi, I rarely share my negative emotions, preferring to deal with them predominantly alone. While I may not talk about them much I also have EXTREMELY strong morals. If something is crossing them I’m not going to simply ignore it for the sake of harmony. While I tend to be private I do try to be as authentic as possible. My morals are derived by information I’ve collected and decisions I’ve made myself, rather than being derived by ‘the groups’ collective morals if that makes sense. To me these things appear to be very Fi. As for Ti, sometimes I enjoy learning simply for the sake of learning. The knowledge may have no practical use to me but if I find it interesting or want to learn about it I can devote hours to it. I try and come to the most logical/accurate conclusion possible, and when I’m offering advice I may offer additional advice that takes different variables into account. The truth is really important to me as well.

2. Reading. I absolutely ADORE reading(specifically fantasy/sci-fi/dystopian books or research/scientific articles about topics that interest me). For reference there was a period of time when I had some free time and I was reading 2 or 3 books a day? Read maybe 50 books in the span of 20 days? But yeah I absolutely love reading. Just he way the book sucks you in and deposits you and a completely new world full of wonder and disaster and ugh it’s just magnificent. And don’t even get me started on impeccable character development and eeee. The way rereading a book feels like you’re reconnecting with an old best friend or going back to your childhood home and *sobs*. I also LOVE trying to predict plot twists and character deaths. Most of the time I can predict things correctly and idk it’s really fun to just try and figure out what’s going to happen before the big reveal. And the rush of satisfaction you get when you’ve guessed something right- it also helps me brace for character deaths (sorta. For example I knew *the* death in the final empire [by Brandon Sanderson] was coming since nearly the very beginning [I had my suspicions since the moment vin was introduced] but I still sobbed when the character died. [a tad off topic but what caused me to cry wasn’t the death itself but another characters reaction to it. This is often the case I find. A death of a character I love leaves me feeling empty but what typically gets me to cry is the others reactions- for thus reason funerals usually make me cry. I should also add that I only cry when I’m alone. I’ve cried around people (that aren’t my parents) a grand total of 1 time.]

Uh and daydreaming. I’m almost always daydreaming. Ie. if my brain was a search engine or whatever one tab would be reality and I would consecutively have at lest 20 other tabs open. Some of then playing videos (daydreams) others supplying music(if I’m not actively listening to real music my brain cycles through songs I have memorized. Occasionally does this with book scenes too if I’m bored [yes, I memorize some of my favourite scenes, word for word, so I can play them like a movie in my head when I, bored) others containing random info (just me thinking random stuff) etc.

3. I guess how to solve some problems? Wether it’s a math or science problem, or an argument between friends, figuring out how to solve things has always been something I’m decently good at. Math and science just. Make sense. And then with issues between people I’m good at looking at different perspectives (even ones that I don’t agree with) and playing out different scenarios/ possible outcomes of different approaches. This lets me come up with a solution that will successfully solve the problem with the least amount of negative ramifications involved

4. Hmm maybe being present? I honestly feel like life is passing me by and I’m just immobilized on the sidelines. Im so far into the future that I kinda forget to actually *live* every once in a while.

5. Honesty? Truth? Morals? These topics are all really interesting as they can be kinda subjective. The line between honesty and cruelty is so small. What is truth? Cause while yes, we have some set truths (such as the earth is orbiting the sun) so many ‘truths’ are simply subjective and completely depend on ones perspective. And morals my goodness. The stormlight archive is a really fun series that plays around with things like what is justice? And honour? I won’t get into it now but it brings up so many really interesting questions regarding morals.

6. Perspective . I think perspective is such a fascinating thing. Just. Different opinions. Seeing the world through completely different lenses. Interpreting the same thing in utterly different ways. When toying around with an idea I find it really fun to try and imagine opposing perspectives. While I can find different perspectives really interesting, they can also well... get on my nerves to say the least. Sometimes someone perspective is just? So blatantly wrong? And has absolutely no factual evidence backing it up? And part of me wants to just just scream and it would be so much easier if everyone just. Assessed the facts in front of them instead of making wild accusations or whatever without anything to support them. But yeah overall I think perspectives are really cool and they’re part of what helps to make the world diverse and life so much less interesting without different perspectives.

The future. I’ve found a bunch of my friends find thinking about the future stressful but if I’m being honest I find solace in thinking about the future. Having things planned out and knowing what I intend to do/ where I want to go takes off so much stress. I lowkey live in the future and I honestly cannot wait till it comes, and I achieve my goals. While I might be a bit scared the future excites me so much more than it’ll ever scare me.

7. Maybe add some more stuff about the judging functions and feelings and thinking etc . I absolutely adore science and math. I literally do math for fun. I’m currently aiming to get my PhD in astrophysics.

Not sure if this is relevant at all but my biggest (harmless) pet peeves are my grandmother’s door stopper (it always gets stuck in the door and then u can’t get it out and the door won’t close properly- I have an unhealthy amount of hatred for that thing AHAHJSEJKSMDJDJDJJ) and when people say some variant of “you did good”. Like nO NO YOU DID NOT DO gOoD. YOU DID W E L L (Anyways theres my little mini rant).

I’m my friend groups therapist (sorta). While I’m really not good with words and recycle the same three responses I always let everyone know that I’m here for them and they can talk to me without judgement etc. While I really don’t know what to say or do I try my best because I care about my friends and want to help them. I love them and so I want them to be able to be happy. Im always smiling (though this is more so because people don’t ask me how I’m doing when I look happy than because I’m genuinely happy. Most of the time I’m he farthest thing from that). I’m a pretty warm person who’s always happy to help, however I’m very introverted. I haven’t had a single conversation with the majority of people in my class (I’ve had a convo with maybe 5. Talk to 2 regularly. There are 26 people in my class). I never express negative emotions (with the exception of stress- I panic intensely in the 5 minutes immediately before taking a test as this helps me to completely turn off my nerves while I’m writing the exam. I may also make a joke or two about my negative emotions with close friends). I should also add that when making decisions I value logic more and think thinks through thoroughly, examining the pros and cons etc. While I take feelings and emotions into consideration when making decisions they’re more like an additional variable to consider rather than the main driving force that determines my decision. If I’m feeling really emotional and I need to make a decision I will postpone deciding until I feel more levelheaded. I’m really not impulsive in the slightest.

Thank you so much!!

INTJ

Living in the future rather than the present and your comfort in that sapce, your ability for and enjoyment of making predictions, your ability to really understand and try on different perspectives you don’t necessarily agree with, your focus on “ramifications” (aka future implications) while problem solving - this all points to high Ni.

You also show a Te preference - goals based on external metrics, to-do lists for daily tasks, logic based on the outer world (external opinion). When you said “While I take feelings and emotions into consideration when making decisions they’re more like an additional variable to consider rather than the main driving force that determines my decision” - that is a clear cut definition of Te over Fe preference.

Your tertiary Fi shows through here as well - willing to disrupt harmony if it upsets your morals, your morals being personally derived, needing to understand your emotions while alone. And lastly, your statement about “forgetting to live” from being in the future is pretty textbook inferior Se. 

[stronghours]

CUSTOMER SERVICE

E T S Y

Darling Fallon    Sep 3, 2013

Sensational (sin-sational!). i write on behalf of myself (S) and my lover (m). we have been ripped off by bulk-produced molded hoods before and i can only say HAND CUT LATEX ONLY never look back!! worth the money and will eventually pay for itself. neck fit like loving glove and adds dynamic intensifier to breathplay. Lovely proprietor replied prompt when “m” had questions re: breathability (she added extra breathing hole at no extra cost). class acts all around (and not just in our dungeon!) will return for more but “m” needs a break first if u get the drift lol1!! thanks to lady j!

Purchased item: DeMarco FetishWear – Latex Chrysalis Hood (translucent…

3 Helpful

  myMister   Aug 24, 2013

this one writes on behalf and with permission of MISTER. this one quaked with bliss when package arrived. truly awful to behold in the wise hands of MISTER. this one’s neck is small and delicate For His Pleasure and all item adjustments were made to order and did not affect shipping time. if this one could be so efficient For His Pleasure this one would be in heaven on earth. instead, this one is less than a hole. item truly enhanced <O sensation. without a doubt will be used over and over in this household for due punishments of this very worthless one. discrete pgk’ing. thanks to designer J for deepening this one’s service to MISTER.

(NOTE FROM MISTER – WILL PROPRIETER PLEASE PRIVATELY EMAIL TO DISCLOSE IF YOU ARE MALE/FEMALE/OTHER SO “myMister” (this one) WILL BE ABLE TO PROPERLY ADDRESS YOU IN ACCORDANCE WITH ITS FORMAL ROLE)

Purchased item: DeMarco FetishWear – Throttle Collar w/ attached Gas…

1 Helpful

  JulieJuice   August 3, 2013

LOL rip-off!!! cant believe all u ppl sucking this guys dick. says everywhere in product descript. (and you guys reviews!!) that custom sizing is no additl. cost but mine cost more!! only small alteration to titty holes cause of my cleave situation. bullshit. not buying from him again.

Response from J

Hi again Julie. If you check our many enlightening inbox conversations from 7/5-7/16 you will be reminded the additional cost was due to your request of more ring hinge insertions as the standard amount in pattern block “was not bling enough”. Cleavage was irrelevant. Sizing related alterations are always no added cost. Custom alterations requiring additional materials/effort and adjusted pricing will always be discussed and approved on client end before any exchange of payment.

Purchased item: DeMarco FetishWear – Hexagon Restrictor Harness…

HELPFUL?

  HannahCakes!    Jun 1, 2013

Hey Whats Up I’m Caleb (obviously don’t have an etsy) and using my lady’s account. She got the catsuit for my birthday and she looked so sexy like J-Lo or someone. Didn’t want her doin the latex stuff because I thought shed have to shave off all her pubes and personally i like that kind of thing a lot but no harm done. Anyway she was super sexy and the suit thing looked good and stayed together even when we started rockin. To other full bush guys out there if youre girl wants to wear the latex stuff SHE CAN KEEP HER BUSH she just has to use lube to oil up the bush that she has.

Purchased item: DeMarco FetishWear – Domina Catsuit w/ Pussycat Zipper (red…

7 Helpful

  HannahCakes!   3 months ago   Friend   Ignore

Caleb Review

Hi J,

Saw my boyfriend’s 6/1 review and I was like uh ohhh. I asked him to leave one because he went gaga over the catsuit, but I wasn’t expecting all the bush stuff. If you don’t want to be associated with that and want to delete, that’s ok on my end. A little embarrassing! – Hannah!

Reply from DeMarco FetishWear    3 months ago    Friend    Ignore

Hi Hannah. Please don’t worry about it, any positive review is welcome. His feedback has apparently hit a chord with some specific hesitations and concerns buyers have been experiencing but not confiding with me, so I plan on keeping it up for the time being. Enjoy your garment.

  JoeyoftheHerd    3 months ago   Friend   Ignore

Moo-cow snout muzzle thing – (idea i had)

Hi. Is this idea good

Reply from DeMarco FetishWear    3 months ago    Friend   Ignore

Hi Joey. Are you interested in a custom cow muzzle/mask, like the pup play masks on my page or are you just brainstorming for personal reasons?

Reply from JoeyoftheHerd    3 months ago    Friend    Ignore

idk it’s just an idea i had

Reply from DeMarco FetishWear    3 months ago    Friend    Ignore

It’s a cool idea

Reply from JoeyoftheHerd    3 months ago    Friend    Ignore

Thanks man i thought so 2

1234Brett10093456    3 months ago   Friend   Ignore

I REMEMBER YOU FROM RAWHIDE

JULES yes I know who you are and I know your name are you scared yet?? I remember when you used to hang with Roscoe out at Rawhide because Roscoe pretended to hire you because he secretly wanted to fuck and suck you till you cried and I saw all that. I have brown flippy hair, blue eyes and am tall/cut versatile but lean TOP. I know you faked being gay. You heard of bi-now-gay-later but have you heard of gay-then-straight-betrayer (you)? That is fucked up that you still sell stuff but pretend to be a gay guy because that makes your stuff sell better because the gay guys want to fuck you. I know you are faking because my muscle bud Tomas (latino) saw you making out with a ginger chick at the wet bar in Entrance last week. He said it was probably a joke but I know it wasn’t because he said he saw tongue. I wont let you be a breeder without a fight. I am willing to tell EVERYBODY YOURE SECRET. But I wont if you prove to me YOU CAN STILL BE GAY. Im attaching a pic of my cock so you know im not lying and can follow through. I will only believe YOU ARE GAY if we can see each other face/face (i can host only on fri- I have two roommates) and our cocks have to touch and you have to stay hard for at least five minutes while I suck and jack your cock and tongue your balls (shave or dont i will leave that up to you). condoms ok but if you want to be a breeder so bad maybe I will just breed your ass but if youre actually a gay guy you’ll like it and cum thick ropes as I fuck your dirty little slut hole and youll tell me youre a hole while I fuck it with the shiny precum head of my cut fucking cock (7inches erect). you will smell my hole and BECOME GAY again IT WILL HAPPEN  - Brett Costino

  TheSteelyDanMan   2 months ago   Friend   Ignore

Latex & Breastfeeding Concerns

Good morning, J I hope you are well. Returning customer, here. My kajira/wife and I are splinter Gor lifestylers (NOT KAOTIANS) [link] but are currently isolated due to our deviation from standard kajira beautification ideals and the arrival of our first child (girl - Gemma) two months ago. My wife’s submission has usually been expressed fashion-wise in various strict latex outfits, a few of which you have kindly provided us over the past couple of years. Naturally, the arrival of a mini-me results in some changes! My wife, insecure after birth, wants to return to strict full-coverage latex, but this desire is at odds with her physical situation of actively nursing Gemma and we both have worries. Does the constriction of latex effect or otherwise harm milk production, or could secondhand latex exposure harm our baby? I imagine you have catered to many lifestyle situations where this might be relevant so I thought I would ask. Thanks very much. LEO

Reply from DeMarco FetishWear    2 months ago    Friend    Ignore

Hi Leo. While I have catered to many lifestyles, I’m afraid I must exercise discretion in this situation, as it would be on par with giving medical advice. I will say any allergy is a possibility and one should exercise undue care with a very young infant, not just in matters of latex. I highly encourage you and your wife to discuss this with her doctor as frankly as possible. In the long run it might be worth reevaluating aspects of your wife’s submission and temporarily making do with latex pieces that do not restrict the breasts, while nursing is a part of her daily reality (I’m sure I don’t have to tell you examples are available on my page). Best of luck and congratulations on the new addition to your family.

  NoraBarnacle    2 months ago   Friend   Ignore

A sincere offer…

Several months ago, I bought a pair of latex gauntlet gloves from your shop. Since then, astonishing changes have come over me. I used to be high-powered, highly controlled, a formidable woman (natural ash blond, green eyes, 45”-40”-44”) I was determined to keep these feelings to myself, but I can no longer resist, as I wholeheartedly believe your Dominating spirit, imbued in the gauntlets, is leading me forcefully but masterfully into your care. If it pleases you, know I have not touched my aching slit for one month total as I am uncertain whether you desire me to feel pleasure that is not approved by you. There are no images of you on your site, but I have drawn an accurate picture of you in my mind and I know you are the Man that I never knew I was waiting for, the Man who will lead me, the Man who will hold my neck and strike my forehead to his knee in his insistence that I allow myself to be led. When I wear the gauntlets, they are your own gallant hands restricting my weak bones. I can no longer resist. I can no longer resist. I can no longer resist. I can no longer resist. I can no longer resist. I can no longer resist. I can no longer resist. I can no longer resist. I do not desire to resist. Please message back so I can properly present my acquiescence, body and soul, unto you. I squat disgracefully on my plump thighs, full of whorish tremor that makes me unworthy, but still I desire. I will service your home with my ardent hands and service your thick and striving cock with my wet tongue. Respond to this small soul. I submit to your gallant wisdom – A Secret Admirer

  RicoMetals   1 month ago   Friend   Ignore

Redhead Modle in Pic for Serve Her Serrated Corselette

Hey man-to-man who is she. I love redheads. Does she modle for other people/would she modle for my pieces? there’s no head in the pick – what’s her nose situation? we could all do collab and I think it would be hot. Let me kno - RICO

Reply from DeMarco FetishWear    1 month ago    Friend    Ignore

Hi Rico. I have not blocked you (yet) because said model wanted me to reply to you first and inform you, she’s already an established performer in her own right and does not want to model for a guy who “thinks I need some sissy seamstress to pimp me out to shitty welders online”. As I only have basic welding experience, I can offer no further comment or defense on your behalf.

  DerryBerry454   1 month ago   Friend   Ignore

Inquiry re: standard leather sleep-sack dimensions

Hello Miss J, quick question:

I will buy this item no hesitation no delay if you tell me right now about your vagina. Questions I prioritize:

1.     Color labia (outer)

2.     Color labia (inner – aroused)

3.     Clit length in centimeters or whatever measurement is most flattering to you

4.     Range of clit engorgement

5.     Depth of vaginal canal (I will allow ballpark figure as I know not everyone has graded speculums lying around)

6.     Percentage of clit orgasms v. vaginal orgasms – bonus points if you describe uterine orgasm, if that is your experience (no pressure to answer last part, as I understand it is not necessarily vagina-adjacent)

7.     Are you hairy? What color?

8.     When you wash your vagina do you douche or do you use fingers to rub through labia folds and that is it?

9.     Color of menstrual blood

10.  If you wear panties, do you find the crotch of your panties degrades due to PH of your vaginal discharge? (give me the qualities and I will calculate this for you)

While a picture of your vagina is welcome (and will only be for my private use) I really do like gathering these stats (I’m kind of a nerd) and would appreciate as much openness on your behalf as possible and you will benefit too because I’ll give you money for your lovely product. Talk to you soon! 😊

  B O A R D

[RUBBERVALLEY FIENDS THREAD 3/3 2006-PRESENT] TOPICS: 850 POSTS: 10,356

DungeonMaster (MOD 2): Hey people, we’ve reached the end of the summer and you know what that means – Ivan himself of the halls of Rubber Valley presents inaugural post of their annual sweeps week filming extravaganza – first photoset already up and we’ve got the goddamn brilliant LYDIA SUCKS sons! The greatest bitch on the face of the planet almost psyched us out but she’s here she’s low and she’s ready to blow. Vid upload will probably take till tomorrow to render but we’ve got some great pic galleries already. Ivan really spoiling us pigs lmfao. Seeing lots of setup and dress-up and behind scenes stuff for yall candid pervs. We’ve got full body latex and face coverage hoods and I see a breathing tube and the barn inversion setup. Possible inverted ceiling fuck? The boys can dream. Links to download pics results in PERMABAN – only official links to Rubber Valley site allowed, don’t know how often I have to say it. You want to pass ripped screenshots you do that through email *casts pearls before swine*

GOBgobGOB: no pic of lyds upside down yet ☹

LordJim: Not interested until I see Ivan haul out the FuckRacers from two years ago – wonder why he doesn’t bring those around more often? Great view stats on current vids and who doesn’t like a fat ass getting auto-fucked while she steers the go-cart supine?

SUCKPUNTER: lmfao all views are you bro

GOBgobGOB: D I R E C T H I T

SUCKPUNTER: hey lordjim where’d you learn the word supine

LordJim: Yeah “laugh out loud” very funny guys.

SUCKPUNTER: did you learn it at college

DungeonMaster (MOD 2): Lydia looks gr8 folks. Queen pristine and ready to cream. SUCKPUNTER – chill out because I’ve got my eye on you. Don’t take the bait Jim. You’re like thirty.

SUCKPUNTER: at least I don’t get off on bitches doing the pinewood derby

LockSTOCK2FUCKINGBARRELS: LYDIA!

GOBgobGOB: LYDIA!!!

McLovin: LYDIA LYDIA LYDIA

TheWorldofMartinAmis: Goddess. Wish she’d get her boobs done though.

LockSTOCK2FUCKINGBARRELS: same! I’ve been waiting for years for her to get into xtreme body mod. Right up her alley. If she’s at EXXXOTICA EXPO next year I’m going to try to get her meet and greet and ask. I know tattoo guys who’d pay HER to give her first tat.

McLovin: Lydia wouldn’t go. She’s like indie transgressive.

DungeonMaster (MOD 2): nice to see you again lockSTOCK. I see your POV but Lydia has several interviews where she says most of her viewers see her bod as a clean palate in the art of pain – as in, wounds have to go away in order for us to appreciate a fresh ruining ; ) tats and huge implants are a little tougher to work around. Anyway in my mind you can fix bad tits but you can’t fix bad attitude

ThatOneFootGuy: id suck her feet

McLovin: woah fuck 4th latex pic in dressing series with her mouth open and her eyes shut – who the lube guy with his arm right down her front?

SUCKPUNTER: lol hand clear to her pussy and hes not even hard faggot

McLovin: scope the ginger amazon in the background with camera – new girl? Don’t recognize. Didn’t know Ivan was bringing new people around this year’s sweeps.

LordJim: I wondered too when I saw. I’m sure DungeonMaster mod understands if I copy/paste following from Ivan (no pics, text w/actress info):

Newcomers are always welcome in RUBBER VALLEY (especially if they’re lovely, and especially if they’re ladies!) and this old goat is pleased to welcome DOMME LUX, our friendly neighbor down south in that little town called Chicago. Mysterious as she is alluring, you’ll see her shining light sampling tidbits of delight off our Valley Girls throughout the uploads this month (or even taking a crack at a couple!) We’re just getting to know her, but I have a feeling she’s a generous gal at heart as she kindly offered us the services of her Personal Valet, Jules DeMarco, who himself spoiled us all year with devious latex devices for our steadfast daring dollies after the unfortunate 2012 passing of our beloved torture designer Merrick Marvel (memoriam post 03/04/2012). Check out Jules’s Half-Bag Breast Mummifier in scheduled post 7/22 (Heather Bunny in the inverted Wench Wrench) the diabolical Arachnae-Hood (Lacey Jane, spinning in our trusty Landscape(her) Rolling Pin 7/16) and the Double-Fuck Full Body Boa Binder with eerie inflatable bubble hood (Lydia Sucks, finale post 7/31, don’t miss it, SUBSCRIBE). I must confess, we took advantage - the poor fella ran himself ragged helping us with film prep all week. So as an apology we let him get up close and personal with Rubber Valley’s reigning heroine LYDIA SUCKS fitting her in a custom four-limb black latex catsuit with half-face hood, made especially for her brave beautiful bod. He takes a good long time greasing her up before Ivan and Barry get her hoisted and joisted and in her best bitch-bat position among the rafters of the exalted Rubber Valley barn, where we leave her to squirm in terror! (but let’s get real – what scares Lydia? We’re wracking our brains!) Uh-oh, is Domme Lux looking jealous in the background? Is she plotting a little comeuppance for our Lovely Lady Lydia? Only one way to find out – SUBSCRIBE!

DungeonMaster (MOD 2): Np lordjim, if you hadn’t posted I was going to. Looks like we’ve got fresh meat in the valley.

TheWorldofMartinAmis: very pretty girl, but always bummed when a new one turns out to be top. Call me old fashioned, I come to the Valley for slaves.

SUCKPUNTER: firecrotch

GOBgobGOB: brb too busy crankin it. milky gingerbread titties come to daddy

McLovin: @TheWorldofMartinAmis, Ivan always has at least one femdom around. Room for everybody in the valley

LockSTOCK2FUCKINGBARRELS: holy shit I know that guy.

SUCKPUNTER: lmfao faggots know faggots

LockSTOCK2FUCKINGBARRELS: no for real. His real name is Jules Marinelli. I worked with him one summer lifeguarding beaches for the park’s district. Our boss found his website where he sells his sex stuff, and it was this whole big thing. Found the kink club Entrance through that (check it out if you’re in my hood ever – huge, clean, not too much gay shit, great ladies of all stripes hanging around, but limits on drinking if you’re trying to access certain levels). He’s bi. He’s either secretly Domme Lux’s slave or Domme Lux is his slave and it’s mega on the DL because it’d hurt her career if it got out she could ‘verse. There’s all this gossip.

SUCKPUNTER: bi guys r fags

DungeonMaster (MOD 2): SUCKPUNTER – that’s strike one. lockstock – not deleting your post because from what I can see JDM doesn’t/isn’t acting in explicit scenes, but let’s cool it with doxxing info. Looks like he’s had an experience with that before, and as a small business owner myself, I know how it can suck. We aren’t gossiping high school girls. Settle back and enjoy what Ivan gives us.

GOBgobGOB: *sees dudes in the chat and stops jacking off*

LockSTOCK2FUCKINGBARRELS: NP mod, feel free to delete it later before it causes problems.

TheWorldofMartinAmis: going back to previous discussion – don’t think a breast job automatically constitutes body modification

DungeonMaster (MOD 2): think about it martinamis, it’s a slippery slope – you want to see some swollen battered fish get destroyed, or a fresh natural girl get destroyed?

SUCKPUNTER: i am not a faggot and a whore’s a whore and im here to see whores fucking destroyed

GOBgobGOB: *tony soprano voice* she was a HOOOOER

SUCKPUNTER: fag or cunt all whores get fucked

LordJim: Mod, step up. This isn’t going to get better. With all due respect

SUCKPUNTER: fag or cunt ALL WHORES GET FUCKED

DungeonMaster (MOD 2): yeah, already done. That should be the last of him. Don’t know why I expected that situation to turn out differently.

  FROM: lydias-verified@terrorproductions.com

TO: JulesDM86@gmail.com

Subject: Debrief – valley week

Jules,

As discussed, attached is current info for my old webmaster service from when I had to run my own fansite. Decent price and decent vendor system. Can only be an improvement on what you have now. That is not an insult, but I know it sounds like one. Stay with me.

[link] [link] [link]

And above, the top three most trafficked boards I’ve found following my own career and the rubber valley gang. We’ve caused quite a stir already and its only July 15th. I wouldn’t count on this causing an uptick in your business, but I think you know that. The standard gentleman at home spending twenty bucks a month for guaranteed links to a woman being fucked inside out while wearing a sensory deprivation hood simply doesn’t translate him to spending 100-200 dollars, contacting a seller, taking measurements, and going through the effort to order he and his special girly the hood itself. But I know you believe you’ve chosen your life the same way I believe I’ve chosen my life and won’t whine. I will say, if your ego is bruised, that your clothes are wonderful. They feel maybe half like death. I’ll wear them again and again.

On a funnier note: I have accounts myself on all the above message boards and post semi-regularly. It might amuse you to do the same thing, but you need to be careful regarding your identity. Feedback from viewers is never relevant, but it needs to be pure (don’t ask me why – my brains are fucked out). I won’t tell you who I am, and you won’t tell me who you are. Maybe we’ll find each other.

I wouldn’t tell your Cathy, since some sensitive (if inaccurate) information is flying around. Your instinct towards privacy, while cute and old fashioned, is an apt instinct. Looks like the good people of Chicago can’t keep their fucking mouths shut. Will you be able to find a straight job if your work now goes up like a dead dog’s gut? Don’t despair. Your nice long cock dropped so well down my throat while your Cathy beat my clit with the edge of your belt (nice touch – whose idea was that?) so while you might not get another chance to perch in a lifeguard’s throne, you might very well have a future in film. You’re vigorous, discrete, disciplined, clean, and a cutie-pie. Have your Cathy make some films of you alone or you two together. It’ll excite her, so you have no choice but to be excited yourself. You’re excited reading this. You believe you chose this.

Anyway – Cathy! Don’t be insulted on her behalf. I loved playing with you both. She’s kind and a lot of fun, which are virtues I still let myself appreciate in others. Let her know I appreciate how she let me use you. She’s a good girl and has a good future in store, especially with her personal valet running her life. Pick her outfits, pick her makeup, pick her clients, pick her laundry soap – is it already like that? I want to be buried alive, but you want to be buried in chores. Please dream big, Jules.

Rubber valley is where I have the most fun out of all the shoots I have in a year, but I really was lucky that you two showed up. Poor old Merrick Marvel (not even that old – colon cancer). But out with him and in with you. I enjoyed our river talk and I felt very safe in the car with you at the wheel, though I know I tormented you a little (but I’m pretty sure Cathy helped you out later with that – will you write back to me what she did to you, and if she let you come?) At one point you were with Ivan in the garage, and I tried to have a little talk with her about oblivion, but she either understood my point and got scared, or simply didn’t understand. It’s unfortunate, kind of soul-sucking, how our dominant “loved ones” transform into necessary evils. Adjust the tube. Grasp the handle. Move the thigh. Use the vocal cord to form the order. But what do they know? I never knew how to explain.

I’ve attached some personal pictures of me. I like knowing that you have them. I won’t contact you again except under strict business purposes, so let me sum up. Serve Cathy well. Don’t let her get bullied. Flourish creatively. Keep that belt. Fuck as often as your body commands you to fuck (if I suspect that sometimes your body is Cathy’s body by proxy, then this number will double, perhaps triple, but the choice is out of your hands because she owns your cock). You have a lot of growing up to do. Don’t despair. More to come.

We won’t see each other soon, but we’ll see each other again. Ciao! 

I expect improvements.

XOXOXOXOXOXOX

Lydia S

[addictedforbooksquad]

B O O K  R E V I E W

╙ G I R L  G O N E  V I R A L  B Y  A L I S H A  R A I

genre: romance, contemporary, new adult

publication date: April 21st, 2020

rating (1-5 scale):

writing:   ★ ★ ★ ★

characters & character development: ★ ★ ★ ★ 

could-not-put-it-down factor: ★ ★ ★

general rating: ★ ★ ★ ★

*ARC received from the publisher via Edelweiss in exchange for an honest review*

WARNING: CONTAINS (MILD?) SPOILERS!

Recently, I got myself a reading date and took this book out for a quiet night in. The verdict? I've got the zings! In terms of getting into the story, this one took its sweet time to pull me in. But once it finally did? I've been a goner. There are still not that many authors who write romance the way Alisha Rai does and I think that's a travesty. Her stories are effortlessly diverse, socially aware, sensitive and well thought-out. Some might say this doesn't leave much room for romance but I wholeheartedly disagree.

Was the love story between Katrina and Jas one of star-crossed lovers variety or a fateful meet-cute over the last bagel in their favourite cafe? Nope. But it didn't make it any less riveting. At its core, "Girl Gone Viral" is a story about two people who have known and pined for each other for years, with only the recent extraordinary circumstances allowing them to slowly break out of their shells. It takes them some time to get there, but once they do - it's on. And what I loved about Katrina and Jas' relationship, apart from how incredibly respectful and supportive they were to each other, was how they communicated. Sure, it starts off with a bit of a "what does the other feel" guessing game but then they progress to talking about their feelings and there's no unnecessary angst or drama with breaking them apart for some stupid convoluted reason.

And you know what, I don't think it's easy to write a romance like that: full of passion - but quiet passion; full of love - but quiet "I've been eating breakfast you made for me every single day for years even though I don't really like breakfast" love; full of gestures - not grand but "I will help you get through a panic attack" kind (which makes them all that much grander, in my opinion). I was hooked all the same. I was hooked that much more. I mentioned how effortlessly diverse Alisha Rai's writing is. For one, most of her characters are people of colour. While she writes F/M romance, she includes quite a lot of casual queer rep. And she tackles mental health issues like no other romance author I've read. In this book, Jas suffers from PTSD after his time in military and Katrina suffers both from PTSD and panic disorder. While I'm in no way an expert, I could tell that Rai took great care and probably a hefty amount of research to write about these issues in a thoughtful way. Her writing covers a lot - from descriptions of copying mechanisms to random mentions of therapy sessions, which I think is a great way to help remove stigma still surrounding mental health. I also loved how other characters in this story behaved. Katrina (and also Jas, to some extent) had a great support system in terms of friends and/or family. I'm always looking for all these connections and relationships on top of a budding romance - after all, people do not live in a void. Here, my craving was satisfied. Not only the author included some wonderful female friendships (YAY!), but I got some bromance too, not to mention a family working out their issues.

"Coddling was such an infantilizing word for respecting the wishes of an adult and encouraging them to take things at their own pace."

More than this, I LOVED how respectful (almost) everyone was when it came to Katrina's panic disorder or Jas' PTSD. Sometimes friends can be well-meaning but come off as condescending instead. Here, all Katrina's friends as well as Jas trusted and respected her wishes and knew that she knew her feelings and limitations and how to handle them best. This may seems obvious but it's not. Same with respecting other people's personal space! As a person who HATES being touched without warning and/or permission, I practically purred with happiness any time someone ASKED before giving Katrina a hug. Since this series and particularly the premise of this book deals a lot with internet and modern ways of romance, "Girl Gone Viral" also tackles a very relevant topic of right to privacy, anonymity in the internet, cyberbullying and more. I thought this was a very interesting and important take on it, from a perspective of Katrina who is someone who not only wants anonymity, she needs it to feel safe. And when that anonymity is threatened, she feels violated. I remember some time ago there was a thread on twitter that had gone viral, with someone (supposedly) live tweeting some couple's meet cute and conversation in the cafe - perhaps it's the very same that inspired the premise of this book. At the time I thought it was harmless and cute, but this story made me look at it from a different angle. Not everyone wants to be famous. Not everyone wants to be a trend on twitter. Just food for thought. Again, some might say all of this felt "too preachy" or "too politically correct". And yet again, I wholeheartedly disagree. Is it such a radical concept, to write about people being kind and considerate? What is being "politically correct" other than simply being mindful of others? Should love stories only be reserved for white, thin, perfectly healthy people? Just more food for thought, I guess.

"Happiness is a radical act."

This book made me feel so much. I was engrossed and invested in the characters and their happiness. And because of all that Katrina and Jas went through, it made me think about how hard it actually is to be happy, truly happy, in today's world. It takes strength and courage and not a small amount of hope to push forward and push yourself, work on your issues or keep doing what makes you happy, even when some people insist on knowing better what's best for you and what you "should" want. Yet, their story left me feeling strangely optimistic and happy. Maybe because of the wonderful support system both these characters had. Because, it seems to me, as long as you surround yourself with the kind of people who love you and are right for you - happiness is not such a radical concept after all. Trigger / content warning: PTSD, graphic descriptions of panic attacks, mentions of parental abuse & emotional abuse

[thecloserkin]

fic rec: we get dark, only to shine by anghraine

fandom: The Borgias (Showtime 2011)

pairing: Cesare Borgia/Lucrezia Borgia

word count: 168k, unfinished

Is it canon: Yes

Is it explicit: Yes

Is it endgame: Yes

Is it shippable: Yes

Bottom line: hi my name is asdfghhkl i’ve been in fandom half my life and this is without a doubt a top 5 fic for me. i mean i got to the end and i went right back to the beginning to reread it

This is a Season 1 AU where Cesare and Lucrezia are each other’s first loves, as they ought to have been. First of all I absorbed more Borgia history via this fic than three published biographies put together (Sarah Bradford, Lucrezia Borgia: Life Love and Death in Renaissance Italy; GJ Meyer, The Borgias: The Secret History; Christopher Hibbert, The Borgias and Their Enemies). I found myself looking forward to the end of every chapter so I could devour the footnotes. This is a meticulously researched, perfectly paced, ingeniously plotted gem of a story that made all the historical details relevant. It is also a very cerebral story, which is not to say it didn’t sucker-punch me in the gut, just that it isn’t rough around the edges — it is SHARP. Lucrezia and Cesare are whip-smart; all the secondary characters are smart; the author is obviously brill and you, dear reader, better bring both your brain cells if you want to keep up.

To set the scene, we are in Rome at the beginning of the papacy of Alexander VI aka Rodrigo Borgia, the first pope to openly acknowledge his children gotten out of wedlock. The primary thing to understand about the Borgias is they are FOREIGNERS. They are from Valencia and their native tongue is Catalan; and while Cesare, Juan, Lucrezia and Jofre may have been born in Rome, foreigners they will forever remain in the eyes of the xenophobic populace. Rome is a cesspit of backstabbing and the Borgias are an unusually close-knit, insular clan. Here is an overview of Cesare and Lucrezia’s codependent-from-the-cradle relationship, intensified ofc by the hostile environment of Rome:

At first, Lucrezia would scream whenever the nurse took her away, and sneak after him at all hours. Cesare scarcely spoke, except to her. They looked like kicked puppies.

Yet it had always been that way with them: Lucrècia a little queen reigning over their games, Cèsar devoted to her.

he never paid much attention to other women around Lucrezia, even when she was little more than a prattling child.

Cesare had woken with Lucrezia in his bed more times than he could count. At eight, twelve, a newly-returned sixteen, he often opened his eyes to his sister sprawled beside him or curled up under his blankets. On more anxious nights, when she had an unpleasant dream or felt particularly troubled, he would find her pressed against him

“When he left for Perugia, one might have believed him going to his gallows. Their letters must have stripped a forest.”

Ok not to be an incest junkie on main but shoutout to the Childhood Bedsharing Trope. “When he left for Perguia” is when he went away to university, leaving Lucrezia disconsolate. When he came home following this extended absence is when her feelings for him flowered into sexual desire. The fic opens on the eve of Lucrezia’s marriage to Giovanni Sforza. Her impending nuptials are causing her anxiety:

”But I am a Borgia. I should not be afraid of anything.” “Nonsense,” said Cesare, “I fear dozens of things, myself.” “You?”

So much to unpack here:

being a Borgia means never letting the world see your weakness

Lucrezia’s hero-worship!!! she obviously thinks he’s the bravest person she knows

Cesare confessing his vulnerability, his fears, chief of which is “I fear most of all for your happiness. I shall not be able to ensure it from so far.” i am y e l l i n g

To relieve her anxiety about pleasing her bridegroom, she convinces Cesare to give her KISSING LESSONS. That’s how it starts. Did someone say I Want My Brother to Be My First because I love this song.

“Is there no one else?” he demanded. She tilted her head inquisitively. “Is there a man you would rather instructed me? Really, is there another man you would permit to touch me? To even remain alone with me? Juan? Should I ask him instead?” “No!” Cesare scrambled to his feet.

She knows exactly how to push his buttons, doesn’t she? She baits him with the idea of another man touching her—specifically Juan, his archrival—an idea guaranteed to get his blood up, and Cesare instantly shoves his scruples aside. A kissing lesson ensues, Lucrezia is married shortly thereafter, and that’s how things stand when this fic diverges from canon: Cesare stops by Pesaro to visit Lucrezia.

Now we all know how Lucrezia’s first marriage went—her husband treated his horse a sight better than he treated her. And we see her struggle with telling Cesare the truth about the abuse, because the importance of the Sforza alliance must stay Cesare’s hand from his natural impulse to pulverize anyone who hurts Lucrezia. I like how this fic draws a distinction between the family’s reaction and Cesare’s reaction:

as soon as Cesare understood, he would be set on vengeance. Any brother would, even one less devoted than Cesare. Jofrè would probably cheer him on. Juan would have strung Sforza up already. And of course, Cesare was Cesare.

Juan and Jofre are her brothers too, and neither of them would have let Sforza’s behavior slide. Cesare, though, is on a whole other level. Cesare actually sees red. The most romantic thing he does in this entire story is play chess with Lucrezia all night to spare her the nightly ordeal of marital rape. That was the first night. The second day he has Micheletto loosen the girth of Sforza’s saddle to cause a nonfatal riding accident which—honestly it makes way more sense thematically for the brother who loves her more than life to do this, than for an untutored stableboy whom Lucrezia met 5 minutes ago to suddenly exhibit master assassin skills?!! Fuck canon, this is what happened. Also fuck insta-love, I’m so glad Cesare and Lucrezia are head over heels for each other rather than some randos.

His pulse quickened in his throat, yet it was nothing he had not seen before, when he read to her until she fell asleep, talked to her as she sulked in her room, sat at her bedside wiping cloths all over her feverish head.

I’m so soft for this!!! Tfw it’s not the physical proximity to your sibling—that part’s familiar—what’s new is your feelings shifting like tectonic plates?? Askjdfkdjfd.

The thing that really precipitates the affair is Lucrezia’s brute of a husband, obviously. This fic has one or two Giovanni Sforza POVS and it does such a great job of depicting that discomfort of being laughed at by people smarter than you. Sforza was strong-armed into this match and he feels slighted by the choice of bride—because she’s bastard-born, because she’s Spanish, he thinks he’s married down. This brings him into inevitable conflict with Cesare, who will brook no insult to Lucrezia on his watch:

“My sister, Lord Sforza, is a daughter of Rome. Roman-born, Roman-bred, Roman to her fingertips. Is it not so, Lucretia?”

The POWER of this line—remember when i said the Borgias are forever seen as outsiders despite being BORN IN ROME? i felt that.

Perhaps their mother was right, and she loved him too much. Too much, at any rate, to spare that kind of love for anyone else. Sforza was a monster, but if he had not been, she still would not have loved him.

Vanozza is very perceptive; she fears her children’s all-consuming love for each other leaves little room for other attachments AND SHE WAS RIGHT. To put it baldly:

They had spent their hearts on each other, all they had to give, with only scraps left for anyone else.

“I am your brother, Lucrezia … There is a word for this. I would not have anyone say it of you.” “A word for what? … For loving me more than the baronessa Ursula, or some other woman you only half-know?”

THERE IS A WORD, Cesare intimates. He won’t even say it aloud. But this black cloud of rumor and innuendo that hangs over their family is not going to dissipate just because they refrain from giving into their feelings. The first time Cesare heard someone call his sister a whore, she was literally four years old. They’ve had to guard their hearts their whole lives because there is no one they can trust outside the family — and yet the family itself is riven by strife and jealousy (Lucrezia has a good laugh when her maid mistakes “my brother is coming to dinner” for “the Duke of Gandia is coming to dinner”— as if Juan would ever visit her in Pesaro!):

“I am the only person in the world you love without qualification or resentment or confusion, aren’t I?” “Yes … Well. Some confusion.” “And yet you pull away from me. You have spent our lives pulling away from me, because--what? There is a word? You will not even say it. Why should we care if people who hate us, hate our blood and our language and our father, use one more insult? For heavens’ sake, Cesare, you yourself told me that this friar in Florence preaches against my hair.”

!!!! The dig at Savonarola I fell out of my chair looooool

“We have no real friends here, do we? We don’t even have allies beyond the Sforza. Everything depends on Papa. If anything happens, perhaps--perhaps it would be better to go home.” “We could run away to Valencia,” he murmured, eyes distant, almost wistful.

They never entertain this as a serious possibility because “anything is better than obscurity” and sry2say a modern AU is the only place these kids are going to get a happy ending. They’re too ambitious and fiercely protective of their family for aught else.

the affinity they’d always felt flaring to life, the certainty that he could depend on her abilities as well as her loyalties. Together they had outwitted Giovanni Sforza and all of Pesaro; now there was the Pope, their family, Rome, and then--all of Italy? The world? Why not?

I say again, HE COULD DEPEND ON HER ABILITIES AS WELL AS HER LOYALTIES. Because they’re a team. Picture Cesare and Lucrezia, weapons in hand, back to back holding off a horde of enemies—but like, metaphorically. That’s the kind of partnership they have, that’s the kind of trust they share.

he would put her before ambition and glory. Even their father had not … Cesare wasn’t like the Pope. He loved her more than anything.

Meaning there are things her father would put before her happiness, but there is absolutely NOTHING Cesare would not do for her. What woman could resist this utter unhesitating devotion when it is laid at her feet??

gazing at her with all the adoration he had never offered to God

He would never hurt me. If she knew nothing else, she knew that.

She resolves to consummate their relationship, despite all her knowledge of sex being bound up with pain. Like, she literally doesn’t know if sex can even be pleasurable for women, but she wants Cesare in the face of her fear, which is impressive and heartbreaking:

there were Roman courtesans who knew something of him that Lucrezia did not, and it was intolerable. She wanted everything.

Yessss she already has the rest of him, she just wants this one last piece of Cesare to belong to her too. And as for Cesare, this is the first & only time physical attraction and emotional connection have been united in the same partner:

he had never been one to stay in a woman’s bed, afterwards, but he felt no inclination to move.

She laid her hand against his face, rubbing her thumb over his cheekbone, gazing at him with her impossible mix of steady, companionable affection and rapture.

He had long known that he did not love anyone as he did Lucrezia; now he could not imagine desiring anyone as much, either.

What I love is that the romantic/sexual aspect is just another layer overlaid on what has always been the most important relationship in their respective lives; it doesn’t change the underlying dynamic:

“Have we been mauled by bears, do you think?” “Nothing so dramatic, I’m afraid. We would need scratches for that.”

This is them putting their clothes on after an assignation in the woods (they go riding a lot). What strikes me is the companionable tenor of their conspirational lies.

She relished each touch, yet there was something ordinary in it, familiar and commonplace. Your cross is crooked. Your cap is falling off. Let me adjust your sleeve. I can mend your tunic. They had always been peculiarly domestic together, a comfortable intimacy they never repeated with their brothers.

hello siblings being simultaneously incestuous & domestic is my kink byeeeee

“Cesare,” said Lucrezia, eyes widening, “am I your mistress now?” “You are Lucrezia Borgia. The Pope’s daughter and my beloved sister. The man who calls you anyone’s mistress will lose his tongue. As for you and I, we are what we are. I love you. We belong to each other. That is all.”

NO LABELS WE JUST BELONG TO EACH OTHER. Favorite favorite favorite line forever

His sister, his — lover? How could he give up either? What have I done?

Please picture me shoveling popcorn into my mouth as I type this. This is the pinnacle of everything I love about incest ships. You don’t fuck your sister unless you fucking mean it. It’s like you’re married from the first kiss. As Lucrezia explains later to someone who has ferreted out their secret: “He is not some lover to be mourned and forgotten. If I lose him over this, I lose him in everything.”

You can’t date your brother casually, the stakes are HIGH.

A lover is invented in order to explain Lucrezia’s love bites and torn clothing to her maid. Micheletto accepts this explanation as well, until one day he realizes the true state of affairs, and it’s such an innocuous little moment, it’s not like Micheletto wALks iN On tHEM or anything similarly dramatic, oh no. He is watching them—he is always watching—and he must have picked up on some subtle cue of body language or something bc all of a sudden it hits him they’re in love:

Valentino bent his head down; Lucrezia was saying something, Catalan, scarcely comprehensible through her heavy accent and giggles--Micheletto thought it had to do with the Duke of Gandía and a race. Whatever it was, Valentino whispered back to her, mouth against her ear, and they burst out laughing. There was no lover. He could not say, exactly, how he knew for certain then, with no proof, and not before or after. But he knew it. There were no others for them, no room for others: only Valentino and Lucrezia, and Micheletto watching over them.

The perfect encapsulation of this show tbh!!!

They are recalled to Rome to attend Joffre’s wedding to Sancia d’Aragon. They leave Lucrezia’s recuperating husband behind in Pesaro.

“If this all depends upon the impression that Juan makes--” “God help us,” said Cesare.

first of all, FINISHING EACH OTHER’S SENTENCES. but also, this is a delicate mission Juan’s been dispatched on—sent to Naples to woo Jofre’s bride—and i am l i v i n g as I watch Cesare & Lucrezia bond over their low opinion of Juan’s diplomatic mettle. it reminds me of that scene in S2E1 during the masquerade ball when Lucrezia asks Cesare if he can make her laugh, and IMMEDIATELY he causes Juan (who is dancing) to take a humiliating stumble and then Lucrezia & Cesare choke back giggles behind their masks. What’s great about returning to Rome is we get to see them interact with the rest of their family. The Pope is wroth with Cesare for staying so long away and for ignoring his summonses, but Cesare tells him the truth—that Lucrezia needed him:

“Your daughter, Holy Father, could wring concessions out of a saint, and I am anything but that.”

The audacity!! Cesare straight up confessed to fucking the Pope’s daughter but he said it flippantly, so Alexander heard what he wanted to hear.

Then there’s Giulia, who takes one look at Lucrezia and detects the glow of first love. Lucrezia fobs her off with the same story of a clandestine lover, assignations in the woods, etc.:

“Swear to me that you will not repeat what I have said.” “To your father? I already promised that.” “To anyone! … Father would separate us. Juan would kill him. If my husband discovered it …” Lucrezia shuddered. “That would indeed be a disaster,” Giulia said, ��but I think you have forgotten someone, Lucrezia.” “What do you mean?” She touched Lucrezia's face. “Your brother Cesare.” Lucrezia absolutely froze.

BWAHAHAHA and then Lucrezia scrambles to convince Giulia that her secret is that Cesare is discreetly facilitating her affair, rather than the far more salacious secret that Cesare is her affair.

“Men,” Giulia said carefully, “say many things, Lucrezia.” “Other men,” said Lucrezia …. The very idea that Cesare might not love her!

And of course Lucrezia is in a v unique situation here but it is the lot of highborn girls in Renaissance Europe to be bartered off to seal an alliance; Lucrezia was raised to expect it. She did no more than her duty. She also recognizes the balance of power is never going to be in her favor when it comes to matters of the heart. With one notable exception, of course:

But Lucrezia had never shown the slightest inclination to guard herself from him. I love you, she’d said as soon as she could babble out the words, clambering into his lap, wrapping her arms about his neck, toddling after him, I love you best, I love you most. And now she declared herself dozens of times a day, in word or deed: whispering into his ear, laughing at his side, crawling into his arms when she could and watching him with a greedy, possessive look when she could not.

Cesare is the only one she trusts to never hurt her, whose interests are always aligned with hers, are never opposed to her family’s since Cesare is her family. The only wrinkle is, he can’t protect her adequately as he promised to. Cesare reflects that if the truth about the incest ever came out “he would be lucky to escape with excommunication, while Giovanni Sforza could violate her nightly and nobody would say a word.” The unjustness of this, the way patriarchy arrays itself in Sforza’s defense, galls Cesare to no end.

Another person who comes into their orbit in Rome is Jofre’s new bride, Sancia of Aragon. It’s historical canon that she slept with both Juan and Cesare; in this fic of course Cesare/Lucrezia are exclusive. Lucrezia can’t decide whether Sancia is predatory (she wants to bang Cesare) or suspicious (she has a hunch Cesare is banging Lucrezia). Either way:

Lucrezia wanted Sancia dead, or disfigured, or shamed--and she wanted her to leave happily with Jofrè--and she wanted Juan to take her away, to satisfy her with some kind of discretion--and for one mad moment, Lucrezia wanted everyone to know what Cesare was to her.

Sancia and Juan, by the way, conduct an outrageously indiscreet affair where their lovemaking is so obnoxious it keeps Lucrezia up at night. She does what she always does when she seeks solace: she crawls into Cesare’s bed. They’re young, they’re honry, they’re in love … but the sound of Juan pounding away at Sancia definitively kills the mood. Lmao. The next morning at breakfast Cesare & Lucrezia lay their complaints before Alexander, who gives Cesare a cardinal’s palace to live in and bids him take Lucrezia with him. So now the two of them move out of the papal palace into their very own palace. I mean, the possibilities are endless! Here is a gem from Sancia and Juan’s pillowtalk, where Juan’s assessment is simultaneously hilariously off base and 100% accurate:

“Cesare has always been a sanctimonious prude, if you ask me. At any rate, Lucrezia says he's having a fit of celibacy.” “Lucrezia?” Sancia said, nearly laughing. “What, he tells her about his—?” Juan snorted. “They probably tell each other about their bowel movements.”

Some of my favorite moments from this “Cesare + Lucrezia keeping house together” idyll: She visits him in the confessional, they hold a lengthy strategy conference about Sancia’s divided loyalties, and he wraps up with:

“Have you any other sins to confess?” “No … Well, I am guilty of the sin of lust, but you knew that already.”

LOOOOOL and how could I forget this:

She always wanted him: when he approached her, when he touched her, looked at her, when she thought of him, when someone mentioned his name.

I give you my main bitch Lucrezia Borgia, who fantasizes about being rawed by her brother WHENEVER SOMEONE MENTIONS HIS NAME. We stan a bona fide legend.

Ok so among the people they encounter in Rome are their cousins Isabel and Bernardo, who are also Borgias, and who independently unravel the truth re: Cesare & Lucrezia, which means that we get not one but two Outsider POVs which means I have probably died and gone to heaven. My friends TONIGHT WE FEAST IN VALHALLA. Ain’t nothing I love more than an Outsider POV angle on an incestuous romance, and in this case we are truly blessed because we get two. This is Bernardo as he listens to Cesare wax lyrical about his new paramour:

Yet Bernardo heard none of the wild passion or simpering folly of men in the throes of infatuation; Cesare looked and sounded less like a newly enthralled lover, and more like a man speaking of someone he knew well and liked a great deal. Bernardo felt a flicker of alarm.

Bruh you’re supposed to talk about your mistress’s tits not her personality clearly Cesare did not get the memo?? And this is Bernardo when the pieces finally click into place for him—he walks in on Lucrezia dyeing her hair:

A Spaniard, very fair? By nature? No, Cesare had said, half-laughing, and even then Bernardo caught the odd shift in his tone, from the adoration of a lover to an easy, familiar affection. And he remembered Cesare, indignant even for a young man in the throes of infatuation. She is not my mistress!

It’s the vehemence with which he denies it, the “not my mistress” part, that gives Cesare away. Because she’s not; she’s his everything. Bernardo cannot seem to wrap his head around how they can be both siblings and soulmates, since for him there is just no overlap between those categories:

Cesare certainly looked and sounded more brother than forbidden paramour. That, in itself, troubled him; if they had rejected the fact of their blood relationship in pursuit of their lusts, convinced themselves that they did not truly feel themselves family, pretended to be something other than what they were—well, that would have been bad enough. But they did not pretend. They acted less as if they willfully transgressed the boundary between siblings and lovers, and more as if they utterly failed to notice its existence.

Cesare and Lucrezia glanced at each other, their conspiratorial smiles alarmingly familiar. He’d seen those exact expressions on their faces before, dozens if not hundreds of times. They’d always had secrets, their little schemes and confidences, childish mischief. And now—what? Deeper secrets, more convoluted schemes, more dangerous mischief. Was that it? Did they lie together and think it little different from the rest?—altered in degree, but not kind? Did they … when had catapulting oranges at the unwary become a hidden incestuous affair?

This is Bernardo watching Cesare & Lucrezia argue about who “made the first move” as far as initiating their relationship:

he knew not whether he was witnessing a lovers’ quarrel or a sibling one. He felt uncomfortably that, subject aside, it sounded very much more like the latter.

I think part of Bernardo’s difficulty is the way patriarchy teaches men to think about women, and treat them as means to an end:

There were, after all, other ways to avoid a pregnancy—though in his experience of eighteen-year-old boys, they did not bother with such things, and rarely thought that far in the first place. But then, in his experience of eighteen-year-old boys, they did not fuck their sisters, either.

Because eighteen-year-old boys are typically in lust whereas Cesare Borgia has found the love of his life. Can we also take a moment to appreciate that Cesare and Lucrezia are eighteen and fourteen respectively?? This must be their canon ages. They’re not even fetuses they’re like, homunculi. I won’t bother to look it up since this author clearly has forgotten more details about the Borgias than I ever knew—as God is my witness I would take her footnotes with me to a desert island over 80% of the other fics in existence. Holliday Grainger was 22 when The Borgias started filming, and Isolde Dychauk was 17 in S1 of Borgia, and of course we’re used to Hollywood giving us thirty-year-olds playing high schoolers so it’s not as if Lucrezia’s been aged up an unconscionable amount, but wow, fourteen is young.

Isabel and Bernardo have another sister, Jeromina, whose husband’s neglect is indirectly responsible for her death in childbed. Lucrezia holds up poor Jeromina’s fate as a cautionary tale of what can happen to any woman who lacks a male protector in her corner:

”We are not speaking of Jeromina.” “Indeed not. Her brother never came for her.”

Shots fired!!! This is Lucrezia’s implied rebuke to Bernardo: that he wasn’t there for Jeromina, that Lucrezia’s own brother would never have let her down as Bernardo let Jeromina down. Later on Lucrezia even locates the origins of her incestuous passion in the same system that killed Jeromina—she describes loving Cesare thusly:

“Something I chose, for myself,” said Lucrezia. “Everything else has been chosen for me”

Excuse me while I emit a series of high-pitched pterodactyl noises. It’s a subject the fic touches on very lightly, but the topic of aristocratic girls falling in love with their brothers as a big middle finger to The Patriarchy? This is a topic NEAR AND DEAR to my heart.

Isabel is a woman and sees more clearly than Bernardo does that Cesare & Lucrezia’s attachment is not mere puppy love:

Nor did she believe that a passion built on lifelong intimacy would be easily broken.

Damn straight, this is the real deal. Isabel then takes a different tack—she suggests that Lucrezia is at an age where girls itch to exercise their power over men. Lucrezia grants her the justice of this observation but counters that she’d never use Cesare so ill:

“Do you mean to say that your distress was such that you would have seduced any man who cared for you? You chose your brother because … he was there?” ”I could not have seduced a satyr. Cesare desired me as I did him.”

I COULD NOT HAVE SEDUCED A SATYR lmao. But it’s true, she was bruised body and soul, and Cesare rode up like a white knight and the dam burst. It wasn’t inevitable, but a confluence of events forced them to reckon with their feelings. And once they crossed that Rubicon there was of course no going back. Because they fit and they’re perfect for each other obvs. Just look at my babies reminiscing about childhood hijinks:

“The night that Juan switched your glass with Mother’s,” said Cesare, “You were what, nine?” Lucrezia stared at him, then laughed. “Ten. I spent a wretched night, and morning too. What made you think of it?” “Only that we have shared every part of our lives,” he said. “There is nothing to hide or pretend. We already know everything there is to know.”

otpotpotpotpotpotpotpotpotp

I need to quote a few more Bernardo POV passages because that’s where Cesare gives us some declarations of love worthy of the ages:

”I cannot remember a time when I did not love her above all else. Above the family, the world, God. I remember nothing of any time when I have not lived for her, when I would not die for her.”

“Some degree of remorse would not go amiss.” “I regret nothing,” said Cesare. “And your—” Bernardo shook his head. “What do I even call her now?” “My sister,” Cesare replied.

tl;dr Cesare: I HAVE ZERO REGRETS NONE

“Tell me that somewhere in Italy, or Spain, or any other nation, exists a woman I could love as I have loved Lucrezia. Tell me that there is a woman who could understand me half as well as she does. A woman who would know me as I am, and not as the world or my father or anyone would shape me. A woman who would see my true nature without fear—see the mark on it—share it. Look me in the eye, Bernardo, and tell me there is any woman who is so much my own soul.”

If you don’t ship them after that speech then your mom’s a hoe, I don’t make the rules.

Cesare: I am sanctified in her.

Bernardo:

Narrator: Bernardo hardly knew where to look.

Me: ascends to a higher plane

Bernardo eventually comes around. He’s had longer than Isabel to adjust to the incest revelation, so he tries to soften the blow for her. This is the two of them comparing notes:

”The last time I saw them together, Cesare had his hand on his dagger half the time, and then they started arguing about which one of them was the more responsible, as if they’d stolen a pastry. He laughs about her hair. Outside of themselves, they treat the whole matter as a … a lark.” This aligned so exactly with Cesare and Lucrezia as Isabel knew them that she winced. Nevertheless, her dry voice didn’t alter. “How uncivil. They might at least have the courtesy to pretend that they regard the change as a matter of gravity.” “They don’t think they have changed,” he replied.

THEY DON’T THINK THEY HAVE CHANGED— winner winner chicken dinner. Finally he gets it.

So there is this ring. A family heirloom which belonged to their grandfather, which Lucrezia inherits from poor died-in-childbed Jeromina, and recklessly bestows upon Cesare. This is the visible token of her affection, this is her way of letting the whole world know what he means to her. The problem is that Isabel is the one who disbursed Jeromina’s effects, so she knows full well the provenance of the ring in question, and what it signifies that Lucrezia gave it to Cesare. Subtlety, these kids do not have it. Cesare openly wearing the ring clues Isabel in on the incest, which is maybe not the worst result ever because family is still family but damn kids you gotta be more careful. What happens next, though, is a scene that absolutely wrecked me. We get a a scene where they EXCHANGE RINGS:

“Isabel gave it to me.” Lucrezia clasped her fingers in her lap. “For my husband.” “Do you remember what I studied at Pisa?” “Civil and canon law.” “Yes.” His voice was hoarse. “Did you know that if a man and a woman consent together, the ring and vows alone bind them in marriage? The Church does not wish for unblessed marriages, but by precedent and decree, they are marriages nonetheless.” His cardinal ring rested still in her palm. Cesare closed her fingers over it. “Alexander III declared that if the parties concerned say I receive you as mine to one another, they are married as solemnly as if blessed by a priest.”

So he gives her his cardinal’s ring to wear. And when his father notes its absence on his finger he straight up admits Lucrezia made off with it, you know how i can’t deny her anything, and the dinner table conversation turns to another topic. Because Cesare & Lucrezia are apparently just Like That and everyone who knows them is used to it. For pete’s sake they are supposed to be the well-adjusted ones among the Pope’s children. Every other member of this family is further along the disaster spectrum than these two, according to Isabel’s internal monologue:

Cesare and Lucrezia, those oases of sense and proper feeling among Alexander’s children, committing incest. Adultery too, now that she thought of it. Perhaps. It depended on the particulars.

Adultery is almost an afterthought lol

Parenthetically I do wanna draw y’all’s attention to this passage:

“I will kill him. I swear to you, Lucrezia, I shall carve his heart out of his body and give it to you on a platter.” Lucrezia put a hand over his chest. “I don’t want his heart,” she said. “I want yours.”

The above passage has the same energy as this passage:

One night she had Jaime follow him, to confirm her suspicions. When her brother returned he asked her if she wanted Robert dead. "No," she had replied, "I want him horned." She liked to think that was the night when Joffrey was conceived.

That’s a Cersei POV and the thing about looking at Cesare/Lucrezia and Cersei/Jaime parallels is I feel like the former is usually more sinned against than sinning, and the latter is the opposite. Cersei doesn’t want Jaime, she wants Robert cuckolded, she wants to Show Them that she’s Lord Tywin’s daughter and nobody gets away with disrespecting her. Idk maybe it would have read differently if we’d had the same events from Jaime’s POV?

I realize that you guys don’t need any more reasons to love this fic but I want to end with the scene where Cesare’s gearing up to challenge Count What’s-His-Face, Ursula’s dumbass husband, for the insupportable insult he gave Vanozza at Lucrezia’s wedding. One thing I appreciate about Showtime!The Borgias over Canal+!Borgia is this Cesare’s relationship with his mom is much closer than his counterpart’s. His willingness to fight a duel for his mother’s honor demonstrates (1) that his sister isn’t the only woman he cares about and (2) that he puts his family first. Lucrezia’s “Return to me victorious” still slaps more than any line in actual canon, don’t @ me. In that moment, he could have slain Mars. “I will,” he promises her.

 If I don’t burn

                      if you don’t burn

                                                if we don’t burn

how will the light 

                             vanquish the darkness?

That’s Turkish poet Nazim Hikmet writing about a folk hero who spontaneously combusted of love. In conclusion no one burns brighter than Cesare & Lucrezia, the actual loves of my life.

[tastyie]

Firefly

@chestnutisland

(A/N): I always wondered why Krillin calls Marron firefly, it seems kind of a random nickname for a kid. So here is my take on it. K18 one-shot, post cell pre buu

Our Firefly

“Alright 18, we have to do it today.” Krillin said waking up and rubbing the crust from his eyes. He was ready to get up and start the day off.

“We’ve already rescheduled with Bulma twice and we are lucky she is even doing it in the first place.”

18 had just opened her eyes.

“Lucky? Isn’t she one of your best friends, she isn’t doing it to help us out?” She said half awake.

“True, but there is no need to reschedule again. We have to go hun’.” He said, shortly after he ripped the blankets off of 18. Trying to wake her up while also exposing what they were going to see Bulma for.

“Don’t you want to know if our baby is healthy?”

“Yeah, I do. You’re right we should go.” She said

18 was 4 months pregnant and her belly is becoming bigger and more defined every day.

They were surprised to say the least when the couple found out 18 had a life growing inside of her. Once the cybernetic woman starting having repeating cases of morning sickness they were curious. Many calls to Bulma and Chichi and a home pregnancy test, eventually led them to founding out the news. 18 was shocked. She had no idea she could bare a child and she was really nervous about it. Although she had no one to blame but herself. Krillin kept on saying how protection during sex  was important so they didn’t have an unplanned child like this. 18 never understood his worrying when it came to that topic, she wasn’t fully human she can’t get pregnant anyways so why go through the trouble of buying pills or condoms. Well after a hand full of their unprotected adult endeavors Krillin’s warnings finally caught up to them.

18 went from shocked to being scared out of her mind, but like he always does Krillin was there to guide her through her inner turmoil and helped her realize how this was a blessing and it would only make them closer. She, or Krillin for that matter, didn’t know how to be parents but they damn well were going to try their hardest.

“Can you make us some Breakfast first dear?” The woman asked.

“Mmm I don’t know I’m still full from that huge dinner from last night.”

“Well sorry, You know I’m eating for two.”

“Ok I’ll cook you something to eat then I’ll call Bulma and see what time she wants us over.”

“All right you get started on that, I want oatmeal, toast and eggs. I’m gonna get some more sleep in the meantime.”

“Now wait a sec-”

“Thanks Krillin, love you.”

Before Krillin had the chance to rebuttal again she took back the blankets and covered her entire body with the thick cloth.

“Bu--- Okay fine be that way. But now I won’t make the eggs how you like them!”

He said opening the door about to walk out of it.

“Yes you will.”

“Yea...I know.”

And with that he closed their bedroom door and headed downstairs.

***********************

Breakfast was okay, 18 ate it in silence because Krillin went to go take a shower. Roshi was also out there but as soon as he saw 18 was going to be in there for more than 5 minutes he left. She had been at the island for 4 years now but they still weren’t on the best of terms Only talking when Krillin was still in the same room. Probably because Roshi kept on being his usual self around her. It was safe to say she didn’t care for that.

“Ok 18 are you ready.”

Krillin came down stairs and saw that 18 was in deep thought, she didn’t even notice him at first.

“Is something wrong 18?”

“Huh? Oh, I was just thinking about this leech inside me.”

“Hey don’t call it that! It's not a leech it's a miracle.”

“Yea, yea I know. But I was just wondering about it. Is it developing well enough, what gender is it, how being a mother will be. Stuff like that.”

“I do too honey, 24/7. Just talk to me whenever about it when you want. We are in this together.”

“I know Krillin. Thank you.”

“Good we can talk about anything you want while we are in the jet car. Speaking of which Bulma wants us there at 10:30 so let’s get going.”

“The jet car is too slow can’t we just fly?”

“No no no! I can’t let you fly when you’re 4 months pregnant!”

“Fine, you can just carry me then.”

“Uh, I guess that will work. Shouldn’t be any strain on you or the-”

“Can you go get my shoes from upstairs Krillin I’m ready to go.” She cut him off.

She found it best to just interrupt him when he was babbling on about stuff, she liked to cut straight to the point anyways.

**********************

They didn’t really conversate on the flight over to Bulma’s, due to the high wind messing with their ability to hear. At least they were close and could just feel each others embrace.

They landed safely and walked into the main lobby of capsule corp building. They saw the receptionist.

“Ahh hello!” She greeted them. “Mr. Krillin and Mrs. Eighteen, Bulma is waiting for you in the…”

She seized talking because 18 just straight up walked past the desk without even pretending to notice the woman talking. She just didn’t really like talking to new people, it was just best to ignore them when she could.

Krillin knew this and usually had to cover up for her.

“Sorry ma’am, she’s just nervous about the ultrasound.” Krillin defended.

“Oh I see, I can imagine then.” She said with a smile, she didn’t blame 18 for her actions.

“Well Mrs. Briefs is in the medical building in Wing E.”

“Thanks, sorry again. Have a good day!”

“No problem, you too!”

He had to do a light jog to catch up with his wife. For a pregnant woman she sure did walk fast.

“Do you know where you’re even going?” He blurted while catching up.

“Med building Wing E, I heard her.” She said matter a factly.

“You forgot to say something to her 18, you have to at least say hello.”

“Sorry, I’m working on it. You know I’m not a people person.”

“It’s ok. Let’s just focus on what’s about to happen.”

The still newlyweds made their way down a series of hallways and walkways until finally they made it to the destination.

“Why does she even have a hospital?” 18 asked.

“I don’t think its a hospital, they just invent test medical equipment. Like the ultrasound she is gonna use on you today.”

“Wow i feel so honored.” She uttered with the utmost of sarcasm.

After they asked one of the many people in scrubs walking around where Bulma was the duo finally found her. Sitting in a room looking at a monitor.

“I see you guys finally made it.” The blue haired woman greeted them while still focusing on her monitor.

“Bulma are you even trained to do this?” 18 asked, the thought never crossed her mind.

“I’m the smartest woman on the planet, and I’ve been prepping for the last two weeks. I’m confident this will go without a hitch!” She said proudly.

“Ok.”

Bulma first weighed Krillin’s wife then started asking her a handful of questions before she got to the main attraction. Some of them professional, like how is she eating, are her feet swelling, is she putting any strain on her body, but most of them personal.

“No I do not have any maternity clothes!” The cyborg said kind of getting annoyed.

“Well after we check on your baby we HAVE to get you some. You’ll thank me later.” She responded.

18 thought about and maybe it would be good to listen to what Bulma was saying and it would be beneficial to get to spend more time with her. After all Bulma was just trying to help and she was friendly and she has been pregnant before. She also will probably pay of all of these clothes she was talking about it.

“Ok, I would like that.”

She actually said yes? Krillin thought to himself.

Wow she actually said yes, I was just fishing there. Bulma wondering the same thought as Krillin.

“Uhh, yea. She didn’t want to waste money on clothes she wouldn’t wear anymore after a year. She’s just been wearing my clothes mostly.” The short man said picking the conversation back up.

“No worries. I’ll pay, my treat.”

“Thank you!” They both said.

“Ok one last question.” The interviewer spoke up.

“Is this one relevant to the situation at hand unlike the last 5 you asked?” The interviewee asked.

“Yes, I swear. I just need to know if you guys are still having sex while this baby is inside of you.”

Krillin’s face heated up so bad it looked like he had a fever and 18 just looked straight pissed.

Bulma continued to speak.

“I’m serious guys, just tell me.”

Krillin decided to speak up about it.

“Uh, we stopped when she found out about the baby, we didn’t want to hurt it in anyway. So that was two months ago probably?”

18 nodded confirming that was the correct answer.

“Alright, well good. See for most people it’s perfectly fine to have intercourse while pregnant. But in your guys’ case I can’t recommend it. Since you guys don’t have normal strength it might injure the baby. But don’t worry. I can speak from personal experience after all the waiting the feeling is amazing. Vegeta and I---”

18 cut her off.

“Ok we get it. I really don’t wanna hear about you and Vegeta’s sex life.”

“All right then. Just lie down and lift up your shirt.”

She took Bulma’s orders.

“Alright this will be a little cold, but nothing you can’t handle. Let me just run one last test to make sure everything will run smoothly.”

It was cold, but in the grand scheme of things it didn’t really matter. She was here realising what was about to happen. She was going to get to see the first glimpse of the life she was raising inside of her.

Krillin could tell she was thinking negative thoughts so he took her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

“It’s gonna be ok.” He whispered. “You’re strong, you can do this.”

She smiled at him, he always knew just want to say.

Bulma grabbed the transducer probe and placed it where the gel was.

“Just so you guys know for context, the only difference between this machine and one used for regular ultrasounds is that this one detects your android parts and ignores them. This way they won’t interfere with the anything….Speaking of which, here is your baby!”  

It was kind of surreal to the two of them. It was just a blue blob with a black background, but it was filling them with so much emotion. How could they love something they just saw for the first time.  They wanted to protect it, hold it, spoil it, they couldn’t wait for it to be truly alive.

18 had to blink away the tears.

Heh. 18 tried to distract herself so the water didn’t fall from the eyes. If 17 was here he would tell me my human was showing. I would tell him we are more human than machine anyways, might as well embrace it.

“It’s ok to cry hun’” Her husband interrupted her inner thoughts. He could tell she was on the verge.

Bulma did notice what was going on, but she chose to let them have their moment without interfering. It was between them.

“I’m ok now, Bulma tell us we are looking at.” 18 said regaining her composure.

“Well here is the head, the arms, legs, and I’m pretty sure I can make you able to hear its heartbeat. But first want me to tell you want gender it is?”

“Yea that would be great, right babe?” Krillin got excited but then remembered it should be up to his wife.

“Of course.” She said.

“Alright let's see here, it looks like its….a...girl!”

The married couple started to rejoice. To be honest they didn’t care what gender it was, they were just happy to finally know what they were expecting. However their joy subsided once the machine started to make a noise.

*BEEP BEEP BEEP*

“Uhh…” Bulma stuttered. She didn’t think that would happen.

“Bulma, what is that.” The ex-monk asked.

Before Bulma could explain what was happening the monitor started flashing warning signs.

Then the craziest thing possible happened. 18’s bloated stomach began to emit light, it started to glow from the inside.

“That doesn’t look right.” The blue haired woman said.

“BULMA WHAT THE FUCK!!!” 18 screamed, fearing for her and her baby’s life.

“BULMA DO SOMETHING!!!” Krillin also screamed, fearing for the same as 18.

“Ok ok, remain calm so I can think.”

Bulma was ineed frazzled and was turned and started to press many buttons on the ultrasound machine. She uninstanctfully dropped the probe on accident. It fell to the floor. Luckily this caused the glowing to stop.

All three of them sighed in almost unicent.

“Bulma what the hell just happened?!?” 18 snapped again.

“Well remember when I said this machine was designed to not detect your inner android parts? It did and when the sound censor in the probe detected it the part started to light up. That is the jist of what happened guys. I can ensure that everything is ok with the baby and with you 18, all the mechanism inside of you did was light up a warning because a sound wave hit it. Some sort of defense protocol, and the only reason it glowed at all is because of your bigger stomach area.”

“Ok, thank Kami.” Said Krillin.

“Sorry guys…” Bulma sounded defeated.

“If we are both fine then don’t sweat about it. It was just a scary experience that’s all. It’s kind of fitting though, sometimes, now that Krillin is with me i forgot I’m part machine. But I won’t forget it anytime soon.” 18 spoke up.

Krillin leaned in and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

Bulma that was very sweet but still felt incredibly embarrassed.

“I’m gonna fix this now and get it over with for next time, how about you guys go get some lunch from my mom in the meantime. Then after I’ll take you to go get some maternity clothes.” The bluenette pleaded sounding very guilty.

“Alright, let’s go Krillin. Thanks Bulma.” 18 said

“I swear it’s nothing to worry about, and congrats again guys.” She said. “I’ll come find you two in an hour.”

******************

Krillin went to go get some sandwiches that Panchi made and met his wife outside.

“Man that was crazy.” Krillin said sitting down next to the love of his life.

“I’m just happy everything is ok. I can’t blame her though, she couldn’t of known.” 18 said.

“Hopefully the next visit will go smoother. How scared were you?”

“I thought someone had wished the bomb back in me and...I don’t want to even think about it.”

“Oh 18 that is awful.”

“Yeah I know. What was going through your mind?”

“At first it was about losing the baby. But now all I can think about is how your stomach looked like it had a really big firefly in it.” Krillin chuckled scratching the back of his head.

She smacked his forehead.

“OWW, guess I deserved that.”

“You did.”

“I kind of like that as a nickname for the baby. Firefly!”

“Hmm, yea It’s kinda cute.”

That’s it

Thanks for reading, k18 for life. Thanks to @chestnutisland for running chestnutfest. Was writing this in advance but saw you had a free day planned so i decided to submit it for that.

[losangelesleftygayvoters]

General Election Voters Guide

Vote November 6, 2018

(By and for somewhat Lefty Queers and Allies to that effect).

October 27, 2018 Updates in Blue.

Prepared by: Phil Buiser, Chris Fajardo, Marc Valera, Ella Gabriel, Gabriela Garbim, Zac Hug, Ryan Quinn, Jay Marcus, Kevin Kelly and (updated to include) Ed Center.

Below is the combined effort of 9 10 queer people of varying race, sexualities, and gender identities. We split up the work of researching the various judgeships and candidates and assessor jobs over the course of a few weeks, consulted relevant publications, and where possible, the words and records of the candidates themselves. Then we spent quite a while discussing them debate team style and wrote them up here. As always, we encourage you to vote your conscience. Also your ballot may vary from ours in some cases as we’re mostly West Hollywood and Los Angeles/Hollywood based.

The below offers a perspective that’s fairly liberal, definitely blue state, and skewing toward LGBT rights a little heavier than others. Notably, this year we were lucky enough to gain the help of two immigrant queer types who are both green card holders. They can’t yet vote, but contributed invaluably to this document and honestly we’re prouder of them than we are of any turd you can’t convince to go and vote on November 6th. Seriously, get those kids out there.

New this year is a cheat sheet here at the top with a quick view of our picks. Our somewhat windy analysis follows.

QuickView of The Candidates we Chose:

Governor: Gavin Newsom (D)

Lieutenant Governor: Ed Hernandez (D)

Secretary of State: Alex Padilla (D)

Controller: Betty Yee (D)

US State Representative: Adam B. Schiff (D)

Treasurer: Fiona Ma

Attorney General: Xavier Becerra (D)

Insurance Commissioner: Ricardo Lara (D)

United States Senator: Dianne Feinstein (D)

State Senator, 26th District: Ben Allen (D)

50th District State Assembly: Richard Bloom (D)

The Judiciary:

For the Judiciary, we advocate a NO vote on Justice Carol A. Corrigan for her nonsensical and partisan take on Prop 8 (She IS, in fact, the one you’ve seen go by on the socials). Update on October 27: We have also updated our take on Justice Willhite and can’t advocate a HARD yes for him, but a “vote your conscience.” See this link for details. For ANY OTHER JUDGE, we were fine with a YES vote, much in line with this article from the LA Times: http://www.latimes.com/opinion/editorials/la-ed-endorsement-justices-20181004-story.html.

Races where Judges are running against each other:

Judge of the Superior Court, Office No. 60: Holly L. Hancock

Judge of the Superior Court, Office No.4: A. Veronica Sauceda

Judge of Superior Court, Office No. 16: Patricia (Patti) Hunter

Judge of the Superior Court, Office No. 113: Javier Perez

City and County Races:

School Superintendent of Public Instruction: Tony K Thurmond Marshall Tuck

(UPDATED October 27, 2018 - see below for details)

County Assessor: Jeffrey Prang

County Sheriff: Jim McDonnell

Member State Board of Equalization, 3rd District: Sigh, probably Tony Vazquez, but we legit nearly voted Republican on this one.

Ballot Measures:

STATE MEASURE 1: YES

STATE MEASURE 2: YES

STATE MEASURE 3: YES

STATE MEASURE 4: YES

STATE MEASURE 5: NO

STATE MEASURE 6: NO

STATE MEASURE 7: YES

STATE MEASURE 8: NO

STATE MEASURE 10: YES

STATE MEASURE 11: YES

STATE MEASURE 12: YES

City Amendment B: YES

City Amendment E: YES

LAUSD Charter Amendment EE: YES

County Measure W: YES

ANALYSIS & RESEARCH ON CANDIDATES BELOW:

FOR ANALYSIS/BIOS OF THE JUDICIARY RACES, CLICK HERE.

FOR ANALYSIS/RESEARCH OF EACH OF THE BALLOT MEASURES, CLICK HERE.

Governor: Gavin Newsom

Ah! In the age of Trump, at least it’s still great to be a Californian. We live in a state where we can kick off a voter guide by saying: Former SF mayor Gavin Newsom is the clear choice to carry on Jerry Brown’s progressive legacy and expand on it. Newsom is pro-environment, pro-LGBT and women’s rights, and anti-gun. As SF mayor, he challenged state and federal prohibitions and was aggressive in the fight to begin same-sex marriages, proving that he’s been a reliable progressive advocate from the start. In his own words, he’s running to be “the head of the resistance.”

Keep in mind that, aside from driving policy, the governor (like the president) appoints State Supreme Court and Court of Appeals justices. Newsom is likely to appoint justices who will be judicious and liberal-leaning, while his opponent, Republican John Cox, would likely adopt the conservative plan to flood courts with Federalist Society lackeys. California has been a leading check on the Trump administration, and Cox would reverse that stance in addition to derailing the progress Jerry Brown has brought to California. To keep California progressive, and to keep California as a check on Trump, elect Gavin Newsom governor.

Lieutenant Governor: Ed Hernandez (D)

The fact that this race is listed second on the ballot gives it an air of importance, but it really should be listed dead last. Why? Because lieutenant governor does absolutely nothing. It’s where politicians fill a seat while they’re in between jobs, like, say, between being SF mayor and running for higher office. The only way the lieutenant governor becomes relevant is if the governor is incapacitated. And for that reason, we must take this race seriously. Because, well, pipe bombs for God’s sake.

Despite its seemingly low stakes, this race has split Democrats. Both candidates are Dems, thanks to California’s primary system, and both have solid progressive endorsements. But we’re giving the edge to Ed Hernandez, “whose work with underserved communities and poor patients on Medi-Cal ultimately sparked his interest in state government.” He was elected and served in the State Assembly and State Senate, where he just termed out. His opponent, Eleni Kounalakis, served as US ambassador to Hungary under President Obama, who has endorsed her in this race, along with other prominent Democrats like Kamala Harris. But Kounalakis is a major Democratic donor, and we’re a little suspicious that may be the reason that so many elected Democrats have endorsed her. Endorsements aside, Kounalakis has never held elected office, so Ed Hernandez is the better pick to fill in as governor, if necessary. Again, as we always say, we’re willing to be wrong. Vote your conscience.

Secretary of State: Alex Padilla (D)

If you’ve consulted this guide in past elections, you’ll remember that we’ve voted for Padilla several times before. In fact, that’s why he’s the incumbent. He’s vocal about the need for transparency in how money changes hands in government, he’s a big civil rights advocate, endorsed by all the gay groups you want him to be, he’s a big DREAM Act supporter, and he’s more obsessed with voter accessibility than one could ask for--up to an including the support of automatic voter registration. Basically, Padilla wants you to vote and be an American and a Californian, no matter who you are. We’re in.

The other guy, Mark Meuser, is pretty mum on civil rights, except to say that we “really need to clean up California’s voter rolls.” He’s also spent time insisting that we need less dead people voting. Who needs dog whistles when we have Mark Meuser? Knock it off, Mark, those are not actual problems in the real world.

Controller: Betty Yee (D)

The controller oversees the state’s bill-paying, including payrolls for state government and the California State University system. The office also audits state agencies and departments as well as lower levels of government, such as school districts, cities, and water authorities. The controller also sits on about seventy boards and commissions, a range of financing authorities, and the boards of the state’s two largest public employee pension systems. Think of all the meetings she/he has to sit through!

Betty Yee is the incumbent, currently finishing up her fourth year on the job, where she has built a track record that is universally endorsed. Yee was instrumental in calling out the corruption and nepotism problems with the Board of Equalization, leading to Governor Brown stripping the board of most of its power. Yee has not only shown a dedication to making a positive impact, but her actions back up her intentions.

Yee’s opponent, Roditis, is a businessman/CFO who has little public service history, no statewide name recognition, and comparatively few donors. His muddy vision of what he would like to do in office makes us wonder if he even knows how the position actually works.

US State Representative: Adam B. Schiff (D)

Adam Schiff is the incumbent and is currently serving his ninth term in the US House of Representatives. He is the ranking Democrat on the House Intelligence Committee, where he’s been a crucial check on Trump and House Republicans who have tried to interfere with the investigation of Russia’s involvement in the 2016 election. His opponent, Nalbandian, is a Republican businessman who has never served in the government before, openly campaigned for Trump in 2016, believes in all of Trump’s ideologies, and thinks he can turn this country around. Yeah, nope. Nice try, Nalbandian. We’re wif Schiff!

Treasurer: Fiona Ma

This is the state’s banker—the head person who manages the state’s investments and administers the sale of state bonds and notes. The treasurer serves on several commissions, mostly related to marketing bonds, and pays out state funds that are spent by the state controller. Fiona Ma is a CPA with experience in tax law and balancing budgets. She speaks often of accountability and transparency, which seem pretty vital for anyone dealing with large sums of money. She’s worked at the local and state level during the course of the Great Recession. Some issues she wants to focus on include affordable housing programs, alleviating high student loan debts, making quality affordable healthcare more accessible (she was born with a preexisting health condition), investing in first responders (her hubby’s a firefighter), and protecting the environment. She also has the support of her majesty, Senator Kamala Harris, among others, and has spoken up plenty about equal rights for woman, people of color, people with disabilities, LGBTQ+ folks, vets, and the homeless. As a member of the Board of Equalization, she was instrumental in sparking an investigation into a scandal involving nepotism and improper use of civil servants for political purposes by her fellow board members. The scrutiny culminated in a 2017 law that stripped the Board of Equalization of nearly all of its duties and staff, leaving it with only the core duties required under the state Constitution.

Greg Conlon, on the other hand, seems bitter and disappointed in big government. He speaks a lot about fixing California’s “broken economy” and “getting the job done”. He served as an Air Force pilot, so I imagine some vets will relate to him, but most of the time he just comes across as a begrudging old white man who didn’t get his way. If only we had more of those! Also, he wants to change the state constitution so that the controller and treasurer are appointed by the governor, rather than the people. Maybe that’s because this is his third run for treasurer and he’s never received more than 40% of the vote. Burn.

Attorney General: Xavier Becerra (D)

Becerra led California into suing, or joining other states in suing, the Trump administration seventeen times in 2017 alone and more than forty times total since being appointed, which is reason enough to get our vote. But looking at what those 2017 lawsuits include tells you what’s important to him: four suits against Trump’s immigration policies, including a suit over his efforts to end DACA; a suit over Trump’s ban on our transgender brothers, sisters, and friends serving in the military; a suit against a policy that would allow insurance companies to withhold coverage to women for birth control; and eight suits over the softening or dissolving of environmental regulations, earning him the title “The Planet’s Lawyer” from grist.com.

Bacerra has earned a shit-ton of endorsements from people we’re fond of including Kamala Harris and Jerry Brown, as well as the California Legislative Black and Latino Caucuses, which represent two of the population’s most vulnerable to violence and injustice suffered at the hands of law enforcement. As our sitting attorney general, Becerra has had a direct hand in shaping the behavior of law enforcement agencies, so endorsements from these caucuses should mean something to all of us. He’s also endorsed by the LA Times, which calls their endorsement a “monumentally easy call” for the above reasons, but also because Bailey, Becerra’s opponent, is a political asshole running on a platform that has California generally standing down against Trump administration policies across the board. He favors the “Three Strikes” law mandating a twenty-five-years-to-life sentence for people committing their third felony, including felonies as minor as drug possession and dealing. The “Three Strikes” law is a disaster. It inherently discriminates by race, and it feeds the prison-industrial complex, causing mass incarceration. Bailey’s endorsements alone are a big fat fuck no: the NRA and California Pro-Life, to highlight two. And oh, yeah—he’s facing twelve counts of judicial misconduct from the State Commission on Judicial Performance. Charming.

Insurance Commissioner: Ricardo Lara (D)

The Insurance Commissioner’s job is to oversee the state agency that enforces insurance laws and investigates health care fraud. Therefore, whoever sits in this chair will have Californians’ backs against large insurance companies. We like Sen. Ricardo Lara, the first openly gay person of color to serve in the State Senate. Lara has spent his entire legislative career being a strong consumer advocate, and he is part of a new wave of progressive Democrats, endorsed by Sen. Kamala Harris and more aligned with Lt. Gov. Gavin Newsom than Gov. Jerry Brown. He is a supporter of the “Health4all” coalition, which proposes to expand Medi-Cal to all income-eligible California residents, regardless of their immigration status. And he believes the state needs a universal health care system, now that the Trump administration is trying to tear down Obamacare.

Meanwhile, Steve Poizner, tech entrepreneur, held the position as a Republican from 2007-2011. Poizner strongly opposed illegal immigration back when he ran for governor, and he blamed undocumented immigrants for many of the state’s problems. He believes the state should get more involved in the new market of cyber insurance and climate insurance. Both candidates agree on the need to deal with the growing threat of wildfires, by making sure companies pay off on claims and educating residents on the need to make sure they keep their home insurances up to date after they make improvements. In recent, polls, Poizner had a slight lead with many voters still undecided. We’ve decided on Lara.

United States Senator: Dianne Feinstein (D)

Well, the good news is that the Dems are gonna win this battle between an outspoken progressive and a little old lady who’s had the job for decades and has done . . . mostly all right. Feinstein is endorsed by the LA Times, Obama, Biden, Kamala Harris, and Barbara Boxer, and a boatload of congressmen and congresswomen. That establishment backing has her up on DeLeon by twenty-four points. But geez, we wish she was more progressive. For example, she’s not for single-payer health care, and she’s been for the death penalty.

DeLeon, on the other hand, who is the California State Senate president pro tem, got the endorsement from the state Democratic party by calling them all up and asking for it, while Feinstein took it for granted from Washington. There’s a LOT to like about DeLeon. He’s the son of an immigrant, progressive in all those progressive-y good ways, and hungry to take on idiot Republicans in Congress.

So what’s a progressive voter to do? For the most uninspiring of reasons, we’re going with DiFi. Seniority matters in the Senate, and Feinstein is the ranking member of the Senate Judiciary Committee and a member of the top Democratic leadership. We’d like to wait until we have a Democrat in the White House, and let Kamala Harris gain a little more seniority in Senate (or get Kamala Harris in the White House!), before California gives up Feinstein’s influential seat among Democratic Senate leadership.

State Senator, 26th District: Ben Allen (D)

Allen has held this position since 2016 and is universally endorsed as a force for positive change. His opponent, Baron Bruno (cool name!), is currently a real estate agent who uses a lot of CAPITAL letters on his website. While he did offer to “work until his fingers bleed,” Bruno’s anemic experience seems to be the only thing needing medical attention. Keep your day job, Bruno.

50th District State Assembly: Richard Bloom (D)

He’s running unopposed, and he knows it, judging by the grammar, punctuation, and monotony issues on his website. So it’s either a vote for him or a vote abstained. We give him our vote, as we have in the past. Liberal groups uniformly favor him and conservative groups uniformly dislike him, and that’s a formula we can believe in. A few fun highlights from his agenda: reforming the state’s film tax credit program to stem the tide of entertainment industry jobs fleeing to other states and countries; protecting bobcats; and educating people on how to understand and use the Affordable Care Act. Tiny red flag—he had to pay a fine a while back for not reporting four campaign contributions he received in the final days of his 2014 election campaign, but this failure is widely accepted as negligence as opposed to deception. We bloom for Bloom. There, we said it. But only because we always say it.

School Superintendent of Public Instruction:

UPDATED OCTOBER 27, 2018 to Marshall Tuck

As happens from time to time when we publish this list, various people reach out and talk to us about personal experiences with candidates. In this case, we asked San Francisco’s own, our good friend Ed Center (whom we would have added to this debate team were he closer) to provide his reasoning. And...we were convinced. His notes are here in blue:

Marshall Tuck is the candidate with an actual track record of improving schools for low-income, black, and Latino kids. He is willing to make tough decisions that are unpopular with the status quo: more school options for poor families, bonus pay for teachers in low-income neighborhoods, giving principals leeway to hire the faculty they want. He’s the smartest person I’ve ever talked to about education policy. This is a tough one for me because I like Thurmond and I want to support a candidate from humble means. Thurmond is a career politician with his eyes on the next prize. I would vote for him for senator. But because he’s politically ambitious, he refuses to go against the teachers union which is a big force in maintaining the status quo for poor, black and Latino students. Tuck helped to turnaround a group of underperforming schools in LA under Villaraigrosa. In doing so, he was very supportive to teachers but upset the union by doing things like giving bonus pay. The union said you can’t do that, we have a contract that lays out salary structure and he said, fine, what are you going to do when I tell the LA Times that you won’t let me pay teachers MORE? I’ve heard him lay out his plan for education in CA and I believe in that plan. I think he’s he best choice for CA students.

Our Original Notes: This was a tough pick. If the LA Times’s assessment of the race is credible, both Thurmond and Tuck would be admirable choices, although they give the slight nod to Thurmond. As do we. Both are running on a platform focusing on low-income and at-risk youth, but Tuck served as president of a chain of charter schools and as a CEO in different educational organizations, and while that doesn’t mean he can’t sympathize with the problems of low-income and at-risk communities, Thurmond is in a better position to empathize with those communities, having grown up poor in Philadelphia and then working within challenged communities as a social worker. Assuming all other relevant attributes between Tuck and Thurmond are equal—which they inevitably are not, but nothing we’ve been able to find point to a significant difference in their administrative abilities—we say go with the guy who’s been there over the guy who’s been assessing it from afar. Additionally, Thurmond’s massive list of endorsements includes Kamala Harris, Nancy Pelosi, and Maxine Waters—plus the California Black and Latino Caucuses, which, again, represent communities who are more vulnerable than most to a problemed education system.

County-Assessor: Jeffrey Prang

Jeffrey Prang is the incumbent and we agree with the LA Times that we should vote to give him a second term. Basically, he’s done a much better job than his predecessor so we should re-elect him so he can keep up the good work. The assessor’s main job is to determine the value of newly built, improved, or purchased properties and business assets. The office also decides on requests to reduce property valuations and hears appeals of the decisions made by its appraisers. Its decisions help determine how much county residents pay in property taxes each year. And the other guy listed his official middle name as “Lower Taxes” on the ballot (no really, look at your ballot) and in all of the press materials. We have NO idea who that works for, because it is legit crazy as hell.

County—Sheriff: Jim McDonnell

The county sheriff is one of the most powerful elected officials in the county, as they influence state policy, run the county jail system, and have the power to find alternatives to incarceration. So pay attention. We do NOT endorse the Democratic Socialist suggestion that you just write in whatever joke candidate you want. (For real, don’t.) This is a runoff election from June and pits the incumbent, McDonnell versus Villanueva, a recently retired deputy. In his time as county sheriff, McDonnell has been able to make some positive changes, especially considering that the last sheriff was sent to prison. McDonnell has much more experience than Villanueva, having had opportunities while on the force to manage large teams and more recently in his role in the past four years as county sheriff. Villanueva, on the other hand, never rose within the ranks of the LASD. Given his past work experience and performance, McDonnell just edges out Villanueva.

Member State Board of Equalization, 3rd District:

TOSS UP, but, sigh, probably Tony Vazquez (D)

Okay, this race is REAL bummer. The State Board of Equalization is a long story and kind of a mess we’ve talked about before. It was established in 1879 to ensure statewide fairness in property tax assessments, but over time the board really turned on its mandate to tamp down on corruption and by 2017 the board was bonkers corrupt and after a criminal investigation (led by Betty Yee!) Jerry Brown signed a bill that stripped the board of its powers and scaled it back from 4,800 employees to 400. So, what will Tony Vazquez or G. Rick Marshall be in charge of when we elect them? The board’s home page now says, “The State Board of Equalization administers Property Tax, Alcoholic Beverage Tax, and Tax on Insurers programs.” So, that’s a five-member board stuck more or less with its original constitutional powers to review property tax assessments, plus a few other things that have become relevant since 1879, like insurer tax assessment, alcohol excise tax, and pipeline taxes. So, it’s important that they not be corrupt. You see where this is going, yes: Tony Vazquez, the Democrat, is a longtime Santa Monica councilman and was the first Latino mayor of Santa Monica. He’s endorsed by some mainstream Democrats like Antonio Villaraigosa, Alex Padilla, and Maxine Waters (as well as a Santa Monica car dealership and a Mexican restaurant!). But there’s a noticeable brevity to his list of endorsements, because . . . you guessed it, he’s under investigation for corruption! He apparently claimed no income for several years during which his wife, a school board member, made votes that favored two businesses that had employed Vazquez as a contractor. And neither of them disclosed the conflict of interest. COME ON! And then, on the other side of the ticket, there’s G. Rick Marshall, who appears to be on the stubborn side of the small-government, fewer-taxes brand of Republicanism. That’s not a good match for California, a progressive state that believes in leveling taxes for worthy programs and investments. Marshall could bring to a screeching halt programs that make California a progressive leader. There doesn’t appear to be a hero in this story, but democracy is sometimes about picking the least worst option, and in this case, we still think that’s Vasquez, because if the current investigation finds him to be corrupt, he’ll be removed from office and we’ll get someone else who maybe won’t screw up the way taxes are collected because of some “survival of the fittest” bullshit. But again, COME ON!

FOR ANALYSIS/BIOS OF THE JUDICIARY RACES, CLICK HERE.

FOR ANALYSIS/RESEARCH OF EACH OF THE BALLOT MEASURES, CLICK HERE.

[kaorei-endgame]

Tell me about Vampyr and how it SUCCs

So the idea that started crystalizing in my head yesterday on stream was this game HAD to actually be MORE like Bloodborne than it ended up. Both the “time advances (and districts destabilize) when you rest” and the persistence of resource loss (heals/bullets) through death make the most sense to me if they originally intended for a straight-up Souls-style bloodstain mechanic where you’d then have to balance how often to bank your XP with the conditions of your districts. Because otherwise, outside of the tutorial, I think I literally rested four times in the entire 20+ hour game. 

(it would also add a pressure to devour low-plot-relevance citizens to recoup lost bloodstain XP)

((that sounds like the best game ever?? talk about making the hard choices–we making the HYARD BYTING choices))

But like otherwise what the shit is the point of XP. Wow can we get a contender for “Worst Tech Trees 2018″ Damn, I can’t wait to spend all my hard-earn blood points on… …. …. +10% blood capacity… cool cool cool. 

Likewise, loot is idiotic. I don’t need 6 versions of the same club, most of which requiring murdering a specific person to get. I’ve spent all my resources upgrading this one mace, I’m not going to bother for one that takes 15% less stamina to swing that I got 5 hours after maxing the first one. I need one club that does more than a fraction of any given enemy’s grossly inflated health (you pointed out in stream that it’s rad how these regular-ass humans HP values are keeping pace at all times with my Legendary Vampire Strength). Look you can have guys with high HP or you can have guys who give negligible XP, but if every enemy in the game is both i’m going to skip every encounter possible. 

what’s up with that HYARD BYTING tho??

Too bad. There’s almost enough mechanical density there to be passable. The flow of Melee > Stun Attack > HYARD BYTING > Spell Spam > Repeat is satisfying enough; leagues ahead of against Souls clones like Lords of the Fallen/The Surge and approaching Nioh (and as bad as the loot in this game is, damn, at least it’s not Nioh). Too bad the damage values fuckin suck. Even with health increases, you go down so quick, but fodder enemies often have the health of bosses and bosses have the health of minor gods, so every boss fight in the last two-thirds was “die enough times that i get a grip on the first 2/3rds of the fight, then find an opening in the last 3rd to spam them down with pistol bullets (and suffer a 90+ second load time after every damn death :| :| :| :|)” 

Game had both way too much character writing and not nearly enough plot. Like you wanna get behind the sort of game where every Junk Vendor and Gun Seller is a named character with their own background instead of a generic NPC, but ALSO every NPC you crash into on the street could’ve had -one- “tell me more” submenu instead of 2 (or 3!! (or like literally 7 by the end game convos)). It’s remarkable that they got 50+ NPCs all with their own unlockable backstory, who can all die (or be eaten by you) and that there aren’t any generic Townspeople who just bark RPG Dialogue at you (outside of the skals in sewers; racist :

But it didn’t matter anyway, because I reset after choosing the special conversation-locked “fix his blood” option on the charitable priest skal because it got SUPER rapey–but then when I chose the “let him bee he seems like a Fine Young Cannibal) I woke up the next night to discover he’d murdered the whole district. Oh well. It seemed like he had it together………

Anyway, I felt compelled to click all this dialogue Just In Case but at the same time, I was embarrassed to be streaming it and looking like I cared when the epilogue was 2 ten minute long conversations with my quasi-girlfriend and her zombie knight from indiana jones dad when it’s more That’s Just What You Do In These Games

(technically i was more embarrassed because i thought people would notice i was refreshing Granblue battles during convos and the INTERMINABLE FUCKIN LOAD SCREENS JESUS CHRIST IF YOU’RE GONNA KILL ME IN 2 HITS MAKE THE LOADS SHORTER HAVEN’T YOU EVER HEARD OF AN ATTENTIVENESS CURVE)

Conversely, the plot was… Barely There. Barely there in the “wow there just *isn’t* a 3rd act” that you’ve just come to accept from literally all video games (so the shitty vampire lord guy I betrayed by murdering the shitty Dying Koch Brother instead of turning him has sent out Vampire Murder Lords to stalk the streets and kill me, which is cool, but EVEN SO when I need the most sacred blood relic he keeps for my vampyr cure he’s like “no you betrayed me :

And what’s really-real is: I’m completely in when people start talking about vampire societies and other Urban Fantasy Bullshit. Even when it’s CLEARLY just Vampire: The Masquerade with the serial numbers filed off that’s fine. Like hell yeah give me those proper nouns. Tell me the difference between a Skald and an Ekon (eyyyy,yyyyy) and a Vulkon. I’m fuckin *IN* this shit. Shunt me through dialogue trees I’ll say they’re bad out loud but some atavistic part of me still CRAVE that sweet, sweet lore. Putting that in a Mass Effect-style Your Choices Have Consequences, like Fuck YEAH. 🙋🙋🙋🙋🙋 

BUT…

To put it succinctly, I feel like I am always meeting Don’t Nod games halfway, and then MORE than halfway, because they’re always the seed of something cool that doesn’t measure up. Remember Me, Life is Strange. These are things I want to like more than I actually like them, and I bet in a couple months I remember the stuff I like more than the stuff I don’t. That’s how it be sometimes.

Because there’s enough in this game that man, I still feel like I kind of like it even though I know I kind of hate it. The setting’s good. Even if it feels like Bloodborne it’s like… that’s just post-war Britain, I guess. It bums me out a little, because the SIZE of the game is exactly what I want. It’s the Yakuza-Goldilocks “just right” dynamic of giving me a big-enough, but not gigantic, space to run around in–unfortunately in Vampyr’s case most of it is JUST running around. There’s barely anything to do between the checkpoints, and the sidequests aren’t bad, but by the time I started doing them in earnest I had lost my good will that would’ve let me round up those boring actions into “world building.”

What Vampyr is trying to be (Time Management RPG With Mass Effect Convos and Lite Character Action Combat) is EXACTLY my speed. Spinning plates gameplay in particular is so rarely done -at all- (let alone well) and super stokes me, and it’s not like we’ve had a Dead Rising in a while, but all that chore-based timer-management gameplay being good or bad ultimately falls on the completely arbitrary “do I like this game outside of this or not.” Nothing in Vampyr otherwise compelled me, so I treated running around giving people headache medicine as a pain in the ass, whereas that exact same mechanic in The Witcher I’d probably be like “yeah man this really puts me in the mood I really feel like i’m doing some fucking Witching here.”

Whereas Vampyr pretty rarely made me feel like a Legendary Vampire Doctor Jesus. Deep in my heart, trenchcoat and Perfect Pump-Action Shotgun all, I knew I was just some whack-ass Dr. Acula.

But how much fun was it discovering HYARD BYTING together? 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔

I know I gained a lot more streaming this game than I would’ve from like… an equivalent time of No Man’s Sky or Overwatch or something. I’m often at a crosspoints between wanting to stream something novel, and wanting to stream something good. Like Vaklyria Chronicles is a great game but you don’t get a lot of meat out of streaming that game. Vampyr is something our community owns, now. That makes me happy, in at least equal measure as its dumb bosses made me pissed last night. So I’m happy I got to share that with you all, and I think I would have slightly different thoughts on this game if I just blitzed through it by myself this weekend, as I initially intended to.

It’s been fun to do one of these after so long away, thanks Nick!! >:o

(also this ask reminded me to add Vampire: The Masquerade: Bloodlines officially to the list of TCEG possibilities–which if we want to make it a yearly “season” we should get started on planning soon 🤔)