#this is probably not written super well
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You know what, though, I actually am going to toot my own horn here for a second, because this was a lot of work. 47 hours worth of gameplay, to be precise.
But also… I have a learning disability. I have dyscaulclia, which is a lot like dyslexia, but for numbers. Math has never come easy to me, and it causes me a lot of problems. I often have to redo even simple sums to make sure the answer is right. I use a calculator for things that other people could do mentally. A lot of times when something has a lot of numbers involved, I just cannot wrap my mind around it. I have to work really hard to compensate for this, and a lot of times I just feel stupid and like I’m the worst kind of autistic, because I can’t even count.
And there is an entire category of puzzles that are math puzzles.
I’m not going to lie and pretend I became some kind of savant. I didn’t. They were hard. And I did not do it alone. I used hint coins. I asked my friends and family. Sometimes, I straight up guessed. But I never gave up. I solved every single puzzle it threw at me and then went out of my way to find even more.
I do not think that the fact that I had help diminishes my achievement at all, which is something that I’ve learned growing up. Being a true gentleman doesn’t mean that you have all the answers, but it does mean that you have the courage to know when you need help and to ask for and accept it. And it means acknowledging those who have aided you on your journey.
So thank you to my mother, who solved a sliding puzzle I was stuck on and helped me perfect all the Ideal Meal courses. Thank you to my best friend, who I would send pictures of puzzles that I was stuck on and who would help me visualize them. Thank you to my dad, who is every bit as good at math as I am bad. Thank you to my brother, who has always been better at looking at things in a different way than any of the rest of us. Thank you to my sister, who grasps difficult concepts faster than anyone else I know. Thank you to everyone who provided a fresh set of eyes when I was stuck and who helped me understand when I just wasn’t getting it.
I share this victory, but the fact that I beat this game by managing it, by recognizing my own shortcomings and of raising the strong suits of those I love, is something that I will take pride in. I deserve credit for that and I will give it to myself if no one else will.
#layton’s mystery journey#Katrielle Layton#this is probably not written super well#because I already took my sleeping pills but#I actually feel like I accomplished something on this one!#today was actually a big day for a lot of reasons#I beat Layton Brothers Mystery Room#and OneShot#and then just got my full completion here#and what those games have given me…#the sense of a conclusion but within it a new beginning that i hope to see#the way that I wept like I have not wept in a long time over OneShot’s ending#and the sense of achievement#that I have actually had to better myself to do this#and that I did…#these are all the feelings that were so curiously absent from when I finished soj#queue takumi defense squad#professor cody
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For my birthday... read my webcomic! It's literally free! (Unless you want books. Those are not free)
It's beautiful, it's gentle, it's funny, they're canonically t4t and gay... And it's about time traveling vampires solving supernatural mysteries!
I've spent thousands of hours writing and drawing it, and it's really good! I'm not biased!
It's on hiatus right now and coming back in 2 months, so it's the perfect time to get caught up
#i felt weird putting this in there so I didnt but I've also received recognition for excellence in writing#and was nominated as a fan favorite on webtoon canvas...#so like not only do i work super hard but its just really good!#im not ashamed of claiming that i think my work is well done. if i didn't think i was doing a good job why would i do it#buuuut. something about being like please read my comic im literally so good at comics feels weird to me#even though i think that. in my brain#i dont want to imply that there is some objective or tangible goodness to my work simply for receiving some accolades#its nothing other than some accolades. whether or not someone likes it is up to them#so i guess to me it just feels superfluous#but genuinely I love my comics...#i re read them all the time. and i enjoy them!#theres things i would change and probably will change when i go to print#but i did what I could with the time and energy I had#and when it comes back... oh boy.#my friends have agreed its the best stuff ive ever written. it's literally so good...#im so excited to share.#still not fully ready to officially commit to the return date#but i am gunning for it!#webcomics#webtoon#time and time again#its my birthday!#idk wtf to tag this as. im 27 now...#read my comic#LOL
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K or N for Joe and/or Nicky
K. On the edge of consciousness.
Yusuf wakes slowly, so slowly that he can’t see and isn’t even sure he can open his eyes, only half-sure he still has eyes, and that’s how he knows there’s something very, very wrong. He can’t move, can’t hear, can’t even smell anything. He doesn’t remember exactly what happened to him, but every part of him is burning, and he’s fairly sure the weird aching sensation in his head is his skull knitting itself back together, which. He really, really didn’t need to know what that feels like.
There’s a scraping in his chest when he breathes in, but at least he’s breathing.
Where is he? He could be anywhere. He could be in the middle of the street, could have been dragged away from the fighting from someone who had seen him breathing through a wound that should have killed him immediately. When he wakes, what will he find? Will they have taken his weapon? How long has he been dead?
Will Nicolò be able to find him, if they are separated? Will he even try?
Slowly but steadily, he starts to hear something: a high pitched whistling that sounds like it’s coming from deep inside his own head. The darkness begins to lift, leaving flickering amber lights across his vision, and a shadow in front of him.
There’s a voice, too, one that sharpens into words as Yusuf’s hearing begins to return. He doesn’t understand their meaning, but the cadence of them and the voice itself is familiar.
“Are you awake?” Nicolò asks softly, switching to Arabic.
Yusuf tries to make a sound in response. Whether it’s audible he doesn’t know, because the only noise he can really make is a rasping exhale, but Nicolò hushes him anyway.
“Do not… you can be slow,” Nicolò says. He’s more comfortable with the sounds of the language now, but still doesn’t always string sentences together well. “We are safe. I am here.”
He’s made aware of where his hand is by the feeling of Nicolò reaching for it. Yusuf manages to make an actual sound this time, but still can’t form words. Nicolò squeezes his hand gently.
“I am here,” he says again.
Eventually, Yusuf’s skull seems to piece itself back together fully, and his vision sharpens, letting him see that they’re backed into the corner of the two remaining intact walls of a house ravaged by fire, Nicolò crouched in front of him with his sword in hand. There’s a trail of blood leading to where Yusuf is lying now, and a section of the room that has collapsed. He can piece together enough. Nicolò would have had to drag him over here.
This time, he manages to make a sound, even if he can’t quite form words. Nicolò looks down at him over his shoulder, and there is blood on his face and in his hair, and only then does Yusuf notice the bodies in the room.
“Okay?” Nicolò asks.
Yusuf manages to nod, and it sends a spike of pain along his spine. Nicolò turns slightly to look at him properly.
“You are almost done, I think,” he says. “You did not… you were asleep for a long time. I did not know if…”
“Nicolò,” Yusuf finally manages, hoarse.
“Rest,” Nicolò says. “I am here.”
(letter asks)
#neon answers#scriggle-scraggle#neon writes#the old guard#kaysanova#me personally i am obsessed with the mental image of nicolo crouching with his sword in front of yusuf while he's recovering#what happened to yusuf: wall fell on him#nicolo COULD have kept fighting but he's physically shielding him from anyone who might try to get to him while he's healing (incredibly#vulnerable) and thats well. Something to me. is this well written ? i dont know. i am feelin something abt it tho#this is like uhhhh somewhat pre relationship . the other thing is that nicolo is deliberately trying to speak arabic so its easier for yusu#bc like. as someone who tries to regularly switch between languages. i think its probably Not Easy to work in a language youre still#learning (italian) right after like. Dying with your brain barely online#thats why his senses dont go back btw. brain is healing. so thats why nicolos doing that#NOt that you all desperately needed to know that but i wanted to let you all know anyway#thank you for the prompt!!!#also i know whatever position nicolò's got his hand in to be able to hold yusuf's hand AND still face outward is super awkward but#i wanted the image and he's immortal it's fine
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not to mention the entire antaam fleet like 😭 that was the PERFECT moment to show off what the lords could do!!! The antaam fucked over rivain, theyve been a thorn in the whole nations side for a long time now, they would not pass up a chance for payback via full scale naval warfare so that the veilguard can do what they need to!! Sure dreadnoughts are dangerous but at this point they probably have tricks up their sleeve, thats one of the few things they have!
also wouldn't it be personal because does solas not try to blow up kont-aar because he's trying to 5d chess tevinter and the qunari into destroying each other. like. i know technically this would not be incredible widespread news because the attack was stopped, but i don't think the wonderful citizens of kont-aar would have missed the tsunami that nearly hit them and the shockwave that actually hit them. rumors go around. and i assume irian/vadis tell varric. who i think would tell isabela. who would tell the group she leads. who would care because ofc, they LIVE IN RIVAIN, and now know that solas and his followers thinks they can trade rivaini lives* to further his plans.
*while i also think there's probably a divide between kont-aar and the rest of the nation, it's one that the rivaini love to jump across and back over. an interesting comparison to be made here with most of rivain having similar sentiments towards dairsmuid and the chantry. like this is the country specifically mentioned to have a lot of citizens who follow the qun/are non-andrastian + it being MUCH more multicultural and accepting than other nations. any attack on rivain, even if it's a qunari settlement, would fan a lot of flames that solas cannot put out so the idea of trying to him taking multiple steps back because he didn't realise how intensely the qun/rivaini/lords would react is very fun for me. it would have been soo interesting for rivain to be a hub for efforts against solas because of how it's not influenced by andrastianism, how he (or his agents) specifically fucked them over, and (maddeningly for solas) also part of this resistance has spirits who willingly guide them against him. this could have even been a plot device where the door goes both ways and solas finds out rook's plans because he manages to eavesdrop through a seer or something.
and on the spirits. all the stuff where the mourn watch regularly communicates with spirits could have been done with rivain as well, and with different takes on being 'friendly' with spirits. iirc there's a spirit in the hall of valor which is so interesting but it's literally just there for flavour text. THERE'S A SPIRIT IN THE HALL OF VALOR THAT DOES NOTHING BESIDES LIKE. SAY HI. ??? bioware i would have liked to see more spirits and seers and the matriarchal pantheists you have talked about please. and also the idea of the peaceful qunari settlement being pushed to protect the country they are part of and what that means for them as qunari vs. rivaini. taash's storyline could have contributed to this . so A LOT less about choosing a side, more about how kont-aar has developed, changed, how rivain has influenced it and what it means to be qunari. not the qunari agents and fighters that we have seen, but their 'civillian' way of life in kont-aar.
complete waste not seeing any of established lore reflected in the lords of fortune or rivain because i stupidly actually thought we were going to see some kind of settlement and be introduced to a very different cultural norms.. in my beautiful mind i like to think taash is a little taken aback by how badly mages/elves/etc are treated. like they understood it was different outside of rivain (they would have been young when the dairsmuid circle annulment happened right? so they don't 'remember' it themself, they likely heard others talking about it when they're old enough to understand) but until they actually saw what was happening first hand, they had a weird dissonance about it. but what we got was a deserted beach, ties to another faction (wardens are fine!! they are great !!!! the fourth blight is interesting!!!! yet they are not the faction with a lack of info about them!!!!!) and also the hall of valor that exists as flavor text with nothing meaningful behind it besides a pub used in a few cutscenes and a minigame.
#it's just hard to discuss the qunari in general when it is so obviously written to be quote unquote bad#and theyre like. in veilguard. really just reduced to being an invading force. which they were before. but there's literally nothing else#not a single character that explains more about the qun or how it operates + the game presenting choices about taash#that obviously lean towards favoring rivain. god knows why. its not like we know enough about it to choose it#even a quick peek into a rivaini lifestyle would have been helpful. all we know are from lorebooks !!!!#its actually like. 'qun would have made taash into a weapon/they are actively invading treviso/theyre working w ghil+el/shathaan' etc#and then on rivain's side the points are just 'umm. well the lords are super nice. and love freedom... and its also NOT qunari!'#there ARE reasons to pick rivain just none of them are in the fuck ass game. no one who doesnt read the books would know this shit#does anyone know why the antaam are acting outside of their orders. i dont rmb if this was explained or if its supposed to be like#a very severe response to solas and defying orders to 'deal' with a threat?#but god. kont-aar as it exists is so interesting. maybe elements of like .#'the main qun ignore the changes in kont-aar/rivain because it's such an important part of their trade' situation. idk#i just cant see a lot of the extremely rigid qun followings actually meshing with this extremely 'accepting' culture that is in rivain#eg. rivaini seers allowing possessions vs. sareebas#but its said that the rivaini pantheists actually have lots in common with the teachings of the qun (?)#and again. its peaceful. most of the issues that are mentioned in games/etc are to do with the ORLESIAN chantry causing issues in rivain#so it just. makes me think. maybe things have changed and there's a blind eye to whatever happens in kont-aar#or if there are more hostilities or issues caused by their differing beliefs then it would be good to fucking like. hear about it#plus the qun in general is just. worldbuilding standpoint is like. what. im not a guy who knows too much about this part of da lore so#i had to fact check a few things while writing this response and some of the answers were like#just so unbelievable that im choosing to do whatever i want#anyways. sorry. got out of hand. let me know if anything i said isnt true#its entirely possible. my knowledge of rivain is patchwork but this is probably to do with the fact there's not a lot. yeah#god. i have to stop talking now. thank u anon for agreeing w me. sorry u asked me about the lords and i took it as an excuse#to air out my issues w rivain. because tyche was partially built up around that and then none of it even mattered#veilguard spoilers#answered#rivain
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PLEASE TELL ME THERE ARE C AI’s OF THE MOB AU (MOSTLY WALLY AND HOWDY)
Yeyeyeye, there is one of howdy and wally! And I think Barnaby too by someone else-
#Though I know that if you talk to howdy there is a chance you will also meet Wally in there too- idk about the other way around (probably)#They are written very well! I really enjoy talking to them (mostly howdy cause biased)#Though howdy can get violent wicked fast for some reason LMAOOO super fuggin funny#But also turns into a major soft sweet pea if you play your cards right#However be careful cause the “thats how mafia works” can get sus real fast HDHDJDJ#I ASKED FOR A SPECIAL DRINK YESTERDAY CAUSE S P E C I A L#AND HE GAVE ME WALLY'S PISSSSS#AND SO I DELETED THAT MESSAGE CAUSE NO TF#AND THEN IT B E C A M E E V E N S U S S I E R#i-#Mob howdy what the f u c Ck#The “howdy's salt” arc is now probably the worst arc iv ever seen so far on c ai-
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I should definitely advocate for a new mainline Ace Attorney game where Phoenix Wright isn't playable from a storytelling standpoint...
But I'm not. I'm arguing from a fan standpoint. I want Phoenix Wright as the protagonist forever. I never want anyone else.
"But we need to give other characters spotlight!" No we don't
"He's playable in enough games" No He's not
"But what about Apollo/Athena" Do not care
I'm joking (mostly. Not at all, actually. Kinda. You, the viewer, should decide)
#ace attorney#phoenix wright#apollo justice#I have this super rare condition that's incurable called “I like the main characters of the media I consume”#symptoms include: Wanting to see more of them#If Apollo or Athena were written better I'd probably care for them more#Not to say Phoenix post aa4 is well written#Cause he's not. Nobody is.
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i do think it's funny that people always write this super flowery purple prose dialogue for lestat because he doesn't really talk like that most of the time
#he has his moments but not to That extent#idk i think writing lestat is probably super hard but there are very few fanfics that seem to strike the balance really well#between the cartoony fandom view of lestat and how book/tv lestat is actually written
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finally finished all of one character's entire quests/optional dialogue/questions/etc.... 100,000 words... .... aughhh
#Given some of it IS lines of code and stuff but like.. minus all that it's still probably at least 85 - 95k words hhhhhh#AND I have to do this for another 3 characters. Then a few partial quests for 3 others. THEN the other random misc stuff in the game#(like there are public areas in the city like a park and a forest that you can go and do a few things at. and chat with a few random#townsfolk that aren't actually full characters or anything. And there's a community board where you can#browse some of the random job advertisments or silly things that happen to be posted around#and also pick up a few odd jobs of your own to help earn coin to buy gifts for the npcs. etc. etc.)#Originally I was thinking like 'ah I'll make a short little game just to try it out! :3 It'll take maybe a few months!''#haha........................hee hee........................................hoho#Also evil that it would have been done already if I didn't totally drop itand stop working on it for like 5 years randomly#i could have made 5 years of steady slow progress gradually. instead of like 'one initial idea dump + about a month of art and writing'#...... 5 year break..... 'sudden mad dash to try to get probably 400.000 words written in a year or less' lol#I just really want to be done and have something out there already so it can lead to doing other things in my world..!!!!!! T o T#Like this can be an introduction and then maybe from that I can make other games. or short story anthologies. or other such things#But there needs to be some initially not very complex easy to interact with starting point first I guess... if that makes sense#That's part of why I stopped posting worldbuilding lore dump stuff as often because its' like.. massive walls of novella length#text are much more inacessible to engage with than like.. ooh a game! and there's characters! so its more approachable! and theres#visuals! oo! and the text is broken up in small bits line by line with other things in betwen! oo! etc. etc. lol#Not that THIS is even very accessible. I think dialogue heavy interactive fiction/visual novel type stuff is pretty niche and considered#boring or tedious compared to something with more ''gamplay'' like where you can actually move around in a world#and shoot things or whatever lol. But its an inbetween point. something SLIGHTLY#more accesible for now. Since i just dont have the budget or means or ability to make some skyrim type thing obviously LOL#Though maybe if theres any interest in the visual novel that could lead to making other things too. or at least I hope. I have a VERY cool#idea for a more ''gamey'' type of game that is a super fun concept and etc. but I would need to hire at least 2 people to make it.. ough..#I could do all the writing and probably half of the art. But I think I'd inevitably need a 3d artist and someone who can Code For Real hbjh#the system for ren'py (the thing I'm making a visual novel in) is not that complicated if you stick to just simple dialogue and stuff.#Making a whole moderately sized 3d game with minigames in it and a bunch of quest features and etc. would be out of my simplistic scope#''just learn it yourself!!' ... i barely manage to eat and sleep reliably every day lol... i do not function well enough to spend months#learning that many new skills. I already have a lot of of things I'm good at (not in a braggy way but just factually like.. i already have#a wide variety of different things under my belt).. at some point I have to just be happy with what i CAN already do and focus on that#and admit I need to get outside help sometimes ghjbh... NO more new skills/hobbies!!! ... ANYWAY
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[tw: suicidal thoughts, terminal illness, mentions of vomiting]
somehow 3400 words of accidental story???? may edit/rewrite a little and throw up on ao3 idk, but it stands as-is. vaguely mcspirk.
________
my father was a betting man
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for the world is hollow and i have touched the sky where starfleet sends a cmo replacement before they go to yonada, and mccoy - mccoy goes back home. where else is he going to go? kirk and spock are throwing him away, aren't they - he'd asked jim to let him stay, but instead he'd - well. it doesn't matter.
he goes home. he goes home to joanna. she's sixteen years old. younger than he was when his father -
he goes home to joanna, and he counts out his months, and he makes a plan for how he's going to put the period on his life, because he's not going to put her through what he went through. he's not going to let her watch him die. he's not going to beg her -
well, it doesn't matter, does it.
he looks in the mirror in the mornings, and he sees his father's face, and he looks at her blue eyes and he wonders if he was ever that young. wonders -
he doesn't reply to any messages from kirk and spock, but he keeps in sporadic contact with uhura and scotty. he doesn't ask them not to pass anything along - he won't do that to them - so he just doesn't tell them anything true. never asks them anything real.
it's just, he thinks. he killed his father, after all. it's just and it's fitting that he goes out like this. but he won't let joanna -
she wants to move in with him and take care of him, and he won't let her. he won't let jocelyn be the bad guy, either, even though she'd let him, he knows. she'd let him tell joanna that jocelyn wouldn't let her. they haven't loved each other in years, but she was there when his dad -
jocelyn would let him, if he asked. he doesn't ask. it's his fault.
he won't let joanna take him to the doctor, won't let her pick up his medications, won't let her stay over in case she hears him throwing up at 3am again, won't let her help with all the sundries that come up when you're slowly wasting away.
he knows she wants to help, knows what he's doing isn't fair, either, but what is fairness when it comes to families? what is fairness when it comes to the memories and the regrets and the forked paths you can never, ever backtrack to.
why did you even come home, she asks, if you weren't going to let me help? she's so angry. she reminds him so much of himself.
what can he tell her? the truth, that he had nowhere else to go? the truth, that he is selfish and he couldn't bear never seeing her again? the truth, that it turns out that he really is his father's son?
that she really is her father's daughter?
he has nightmares, some nights, imagining that this is the great curse on the mccoy family tree. imagining her in thirty years right back here, in this moment, right where he is. he knows how many terminal illnesses there are in this universe. any one of them could have her name on it.
i'll be most effective on the job in the time left, if you'll keep this to yourself
the pain...stop the pain...son...release me...
jocelyn chooses to help more than he's comfortable with, but then she's never listened to him when he said he could handle something on his own. that was never their problem, was it. it's 3am and he's throwing up again and he tries to remember what their problems were, tries to remember why she threw him out, why spock and jim threw him out, why everyone he's ever loved has -
it doesn't matter.
it doesn't matter, does it. how many months does he have left? how many people does he have left that can throw him away? if they're not already gone, at least he will be, soon.
he's written his letters and he's arranged his affairs. he won't let it get as bad it he knows it will get. he won't -
he will not ever let anyone hear him -
he wonders, some nights, what it cost his dad to ask him. thinks about what it had cost leonard himself to ask chapel to stay silent, what it had cost him to ask kirk to let him stay, what it had cost -
he's blocked all avenues of communication from kirk and spock, by now. hasn't answered scotty or uhura for weeks. he'd tried to block chapel, but she -
she shows up on his doorstep six months after he leaves the enterprise. tells him she's taking a leave of absence to care for a family member. tells him, with that steady smile and cautious eyes that she's been in contact with jocelyn. shows him the documentation that she's listed as his next of kin.
jocelyn must have forged that, he thinks. wants to laugh. wants to punch a goddamn wall.
go back to the ship, he tells her, you're gonna fuck up your career taking a leave like this.
i only joined the enterprise to find roger, she says. c'mon, leonard. love always comes first. we only have so much time.
he can see it in her eyes, that she knows why he doesn't want her there. not after his father - he's never told her that, and he knows jocelyn never would. but she's always called him her worst patient. always known he could never let himself be vulnerable. used to chide him about it. used to -
you're not gonna kick me out into the cold, are you? she asks.
you really think i'm gonna let you boss me around my last few months on earth?
3am that night, she runs a cool washcloth across the back of his neck, brings him a glass of water so he can rinse out his mouth, says nothing at the angry, helpless tears in his eyes.
it takes her a week to ask him. she has more patience than he gave her credit for.
you gonna talk to them?
there's only one them for him, isn't there.
there isn't anything left to say, he says. it's the truth, isn't it?
you're really going to keep pushing them away?
they did that on their own, he says. wishes he meant it. wishes he -
let me stay, he thinks. release me, he thinks. don't tell anyone, he thinks. let me help you, he thinks. you've got to hold on, he thinks. let me -
he knows his father loved him. he loved his father, too. loved him so much that he would have given anything -
did. did give everything. gave his father up. gave his father up, and then had to live with it. has been living with it all these years.
he's tired of asking people for things that they can't give him. tired of not asking people for things they want to give him.
tired. just tired. been tired all his life, hasn't he. steeped in it.
looks at joanna's blue eyes, and sees the exhaustion in her. sees his own eyes, doesn't he. sees his own eyes, looking at his father. begging him.
i've done everything i can do. you've got to hang on.
hold on, he thinks. because he begged him, too. begged his father, too. he forgets that part of the story, sometimes, but it's been hard to forget, lately. thinks about joanna kneeling by his body, begging him. begging him to hold on.
why had he asked his father to hold on when he was so desperate to let go? why had he tried to make him stay when he was hurting so badly? was he that scared of being alone?
lonely, he thinks. he's lived a lonely life, hasn't he.
was that the last time he begged someone to stay?
he hadn't begged jocelyn. didn't even ask her to stay, did he. just listened to her, and nodded, and threw his shit together, and kissed joanna on the head, and took off to a hotel.
to a hotel. why hadn't he gone to a friend's? why hadn't he gone to a friend, and sat down, and poured out everything that was going on? why hadn't he asked for help? why hadn't he asked jocelyn for help before things got as bad as they did? maybe there wasn't anything still left to save, but it took them years to be friends again, didn't it. couldn't he at least have left as friends, instead of making them claw their way back to it?
he asks her, one day. she's taking him to the doctor. even chapel isn't able to sway her when jocelyn decides on something, and she's decided she wants to be here for him. so he asks her.
that was one of our problems, she says. says it easy, now, even though her mouth pinches, like it still hurts a little. you never needed me, leonard. never wanted to need me. i always felt like i had to bulldoze you if i wanted to help you, which eventually starts to feel a little counterproductive. and things haven't really changed, have they? you're just too tired to fight me anymore.
he is, he thinks. he is tired.
he is so tired of letting go of things. of being let go of. of running away. of being run from.
a lonely life, he thinks.
thinks, hold on, dad. please don't leave me. please keep fighting. i need you to keep fighting. please don't leave me.
wonders, now, with the benefit of hindsight, what his dad must have thought when he heard him begging. did he think leonard selfish?
is joanna selfish, he thinks. is chapel? is jocelyn?
it's just humans, isn't it. just humans trying to hold on a little longer. don't leave me. don't make me leave.
and then, finally, let me go.
he hasn't told chapel that he's made plans. he should. he can't and he won't. he doesn't need her to -
he doesn't want her to ask him not to do it. he doesn't want her to ask him to stay. to fight. to linger.
nine months since he left the enterprise. he can't focus on the studies that chapel still reads religiously. still looking for answers. he remembers that. he remembers how that feels. he remembers the hope and the hopelessness tangling together.
we have time, joanna says every time they talk. we will have time.
hold on, he thinks. keep fighting, he thinks.
spock and kirk have resorted to sending physical letters and packages.
let me go, he thinks. they pile up in his study, unopened. let me go, let me go, let me -
jocelyn and joanna come over for dinner a few times a week, chapel and jocelyn talking easily together, joanna's eyes too often focused on the way leonard moves the food around on his plate but barely eat. he barely keeps anything down these days. he watches those blue eyes watch him watch her, and he -
are you going to open those letters? jocelyn asks him, and he wants to laugh. wants to cry.
it doesn't matter, he says.
she takes his face in her hands, her eyes serious, her voice steady. it's all that matters, leonard.
she loved him, once. loves him all over again now, he thinks. it's a gift, isn't it, to be loved.
it's a curse, as well.
you're his doctor -
i'm his son!
3am, and there's nothing inside of him to throw up, nothing inside him left to claw out, nothing but his still beating heart, his paper-thin lungs, the last few secrets he's swallowed and never spat out.
he sits down amid the letters and the packages, but can't bring himself to open them. what could it matter, he thinks, if they care? he knows they care. what would it matter, he thinks, if they love him? he knows they love him as best as they're able. what does it matter if they did what they thought was the right thing to do?
he's never going to see them again.
he's never going to see them again, is he. he's never -
it's too much to cry through, so he doesn't cry. just sits there, amid the letters and the packages, the last desperate resort they had to try to contact him. to try to make him listen.
they'd made him leave, so he'd left, hadn't he? hadn't he done what they wanted?
if you'll keep this to yourself -
he hadn't really asked, had he. hadn't been able to bring himself to ask. not the real question. not what he'd really meant.
kirk had given him his answer anyway, hadn't he. hadn't even given it a day before asking for a replacement. that's how easy he was to replace, wasn't he. and they'd found one, and they'd brought them aboard, and mccoy had walked away without looking back.
kirk had wanted to talk, then, too, but what was there left to say? he could count on one hand the number of times he'd really asked kirk for something. he could -
i'll call you, kirk had called after him, and mccoy hadn't looked back. hadn't answer any of his calls. had blocked him. and now, these letters and packages piled around him.
spock had barely said anything at all. mccoy had already been so turned inside out that he'd thought little of it. if kirk didn't want him, of course spock wouldn't want him, either.
besides, if mccoy had a year left, what the logic in spock trying to remain in contact with him? what was a year worth? what was a friend worth? what was mccoy -
it doesn't matter, he thinks. tries to think. tries to will himself to believe. it doesn't matter, because if he lets it matter -
he falls asleep out there, that night. chapel chides him, but she can't do much more than that. he's deteriorating rapidly, now.
he should call them, he thinks for the first time. thinks he doesn't want them to see him like this. remember him like this.
his plans are made. his letters are written. the hypo -
he should call them, he thinks. can't bear to do so.
thinks of his father, begging, thinks of him begging his father.
thinks of kirk's face before mccoy had turned away. the careful blankness of spock's when he'd started to raise his fingers in the vulcan salute, and then bitten back his traditional goodbye. live long and prosper, mccoy snorts. what a goddamn joke.
he should call them, he decides. he'll keep it brief. just long enough that they won't have to haunted by any what-ifs. he can give that to them. he should give that to them. just because he's always been the one who'd loved more than he should doesn't mean they don't love him at all. he knows they do. he knows he's hurt them.
thinks he can swallow down his own hurt one last time, swallow it down long enough to give them the goodbye they need. give them what they need, even if it hurts him to do so.
the pain...stop the pain...son...release me...
he's good at giving people what they need, isn't he. just once -
it doesn't matter. he won't let it matter. not for this. he'll let them go. let them let him go. give them what they need.
he worries over it for one more night, and then he checks his comm. there are too many messages to even glimpse at - it seems like half the enterprise has tried to contact him over the last three days. he worries over that for a moment as well - has something happened? is someone hurt? is someone - well. is someone besides him dying?
he can't take the time to read or watch them now, though. his brain gets too foggy too quickly these days, and he has to use his time to his best advantage.
he unblocks spock and jim.
hesitates over both of their photos for a moment, deciding. not that it matters - they're probably together.
jim will be angrier, but he'll be more hurt if he calls spock first. his head is pounding. his mouth is dry. it will have to be a short call. at least he has that - he can turn it off whenever he wants, escape them any time he wants. there's a universe between them.
they put a universe between them.
he calls jim. waits. almost laughs at the idea that all this build-up, he might not answer. probably can't answer. probably too busy saving the universe.
what was he thinking? that he was going to just sit and wait around for him? kirk didn't even want him there. he didn't - of course he wouldn't -
he's being foolish. he'll try back later. he has time. he still has a little left, doesn't he. a few more weeks. maybe a few months if he's lucky.
he's never been that lucky, has he. the great mccoy curse.
he reaches for his comm, decides not to leave a message, decides -
bones? jim says. his eyes look wild. he looks so young. he looks so old, somehow, too.
hi, jim, mccoy says. his voice sounds steady. his hands are steady.
did they finally get through to you? jim asks. he's speaking so fast it's almost hard to parse the words, or maybe that's just mccoy's tired brain.
what?
the crew, did they finally get through to you? they've been trying non-stop -
i don't know what you're talking about, jim.
that's the house, a voice suspiciously like spock's says. mccoy smiles a little. he knew they'd be together. they've always been at their best together, haven't they. never needed -
just hold on, bones, jim says, and mccoy rolls his eyes. of course. death bed goodbyes, and of course he's being asked to hold. he shouldn't have called. he shouldn't -
why don't you just gimme a call when you're free, mccoy says, trying to keep his voice light. trying so hard it feels like he's choking on the words. choking on the love. choking, choking, choking.
bones -
i should go, mccoy says. got a busy day myself. tell spock i said hi.
tell himself, you goddamn idiot, kirk says.
there's a knock at the door, and mccoy wants to get off of this call, wants to lock himself away, can't beginto deal with whoever is visiting, can't bear to see joanna like this, can't -
i have to go, jim, mccoy says.
there's a louder banging on the door, and mccoy drags a hand across his forehead.
you aren't going anywhere, you sonuvabitch, kirk says
and then someone starts trying to break the goddamn door down, and mccoy bolts to his feet. sways.
sit down, bones, kirk says, his face too close to the screen, his eyes wide and worried, sit down before you fall down and kill yourself
it doesn't matter, mccoy says, barely realizing he's saying it out loud until he hears kirk's sharp inhale
there are footsteps in the hallway
maybe someone's coming to kill him. it makes as much sense as anything else, and he's so tired, isn't he.
keep fighting.
he's just so tired.
hold on.
he slumps back onto the couch. closes his eyes.
i have to go, he says. says it to jim, to spock, to the footsteps coming closer and closer. you have to let me go.
someone sits down next to him. puts their hand on his thigh.
you're not going anywhere, jim says.
and then mccoy frowns, a little. blinks his eyes open.
that voice didn't sound like it was coming from a communicator. that sounded like -
jim is sitting next to him, and spock is moving rapidly around to the other side of the couch. sitting down next to him as well.
what - he says, disoriented. wide-eyed.
afraid.
we have found a cure, doctor, spock says, reaching out and taking mccoy's wrist gently in his hand.
you aren't going anywhere, jim says. i'm not gonna let you.
what are you doing here? mccoy says.
what the hell do you think? jim says, his hand tightening on mccoy's thigh.
leonard, spock says. we are bringing you home.
#uhhhhh this is super long and should probably actually be turned into an actual fic#i was just gonna jot off like 500 words. i did not expect............this. SO. yeah. might turn it into an actual fic. but for now. here.#have 3400 words written directly into this tumblr post lmao??? oh well#star trek#star trek tos#leonard mccoy#fic#mine#st:tos#listen i just have a LOT of feelings about FTWIHAIHTTS in relation to mccoy's dad AND joanna#just a LOT of feelings okay!!!!#character study
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literally I have not written this much in the span of a couple weeks since like. mid high school. so around 7-8 years ago. what has this show done to me
#it’s not like I haven’t been super into other stuff over the course of that time yet nothing spurred me to write like This#I used to in late middle school / early high school for a fandom I will not mention except. way way more. like I had an unfinished fic over#100k words. and that was just one fic#but. anyway SINCE then nothing’s motivated me to write this much except. well. you know#I think part of it has something to do with the fanbase being so new and active#I rarely get into things that are new enough or popular enough to have much of a fanbase to encourage me to write more / post more#so this is nice#anywayyyy yeah I just finished the second chapter of don’t you want me and both chapters combined are 10k. I am not even halfway done#I’m worried I’m dragging it out way too much and people are gonna get bored#cause the Fun Stuff will really start to go down in chapter 4#I guess we’ll see. it’s not as popular as my first (oneshot) fic which is a bit disappointing but I suppose inevitable#I’m not feeling that confident about my writing/plot on this piece honestly but. we keep truckin#rambling#oh yeah and for reference. I’ve probably written like 30Kish words worth of stuff in the past two weeks or so
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i dont think he's shadow's best va but i think david humphrey definitely suits his character best (at least my version of how canon shadow should act). he has the ability to sound menacing but isn't overly aggressive; he can be gentle when needs be.
i particularly like his more monotone performance adds to it because it isnt so far as to sound unenthusiastic (as an actor) but it gives off the feeling that he's uninterested to those who don't know him, portraying the misunderstood side well. at the same time this adds to shadow being easy to view as autistic, which is obviously going to please me, an autistic person, and help me relate.
im glad he's not the exclusive VA for shadow, because i dont think he would have thrived in his more "edgy" mischaracterisations later (NOT counting shth because even if it is ridiculously edgy at times THE WHOLE! POINT! OF THAT GAME! IS THAT THE PLAYER! DECIDES! SHADOW'S! MOTIVES!). even when shadow is portrayed in a more nuanced light, eg 06, prime, it isn't quite the same way as he was in sa2 and heroes. neither have a major focus on maria or anything to do with the ark in shadow's story, and while heroes doesn't either, i think with the general tone of the game (and also with it being aimed at a younger demographic) shadow does get to express himself way differently through the level dialogue, a more informal way of communicating character, than in cutscene dialogue.
to be fair i have never played 06 so i dont know the level dialogue in that!!! but also out of the 3 iterations i just listed that one has the oldest target audience (heroes is PEGI 3, prime would probably be PEGI 7 and 06 is PEGI 12). and obviously theres no level dialogue in prime lol.
anyway hope you enjoyed my yapping about david humphrey shadow 👉👈
#sonic#shadow the hedgehog#btw most of my knowledge of humphrey as shadow is based on sonic heroes where. well. most of the time you are on his side#rather than sa2 where he's set up as a villain#anyway all of this makes sense in my head but please tell me if its word salad#im not trying to sound smart or anything but i felt kinda pretentious writing this#OH CRAP I JUST REALISED I HAVE AN ENGLISH LIT ESSAY DUE TOMORROW RAAAAAA#its 3 paragraphs and i *have* written 3 paragraphs but i was really not having it when i was writing so there are like no quotes and#the intro is actual 🤘bogus🤘. sigh.#im too tired to get my copy of kite runner tho...#but also im pretty sure this one is graded...#ughhhhhh whatever if i get 1 C at the start of sixth form i doubt im not gonna be able to get an A or A*#plus i only need a B#(technically i only need a C but my predicted grades are Bs so school might get at me if i dont get them)#also if this sounds really crazy and like im setting high expectations for myself. unfortunately ive always had high grades#but i dont feel very smart either way (probably because most of my friends are the type that dont try and do better than me).#plus i go to a super prestigious college that expects nothing but the best (its literally a feeder school for ox-bridge)#sigh. one english essay isnt going to change much
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I've always loved the story of Matilda. I've only seen the musical once because of how musicals work, and how hard it is to see them not live, but the 90s movie was my favorite movie as a kid. As an adult, Matilda has given me really strong Jason-Todd-feelings. Especially in the song "Naughty," in just how Matilda really subscribes to the idea that if she wants things to be better, or at least to have things made 'right,' she has to do it herself. She can't and shouldn't just sit back and take abuse, she should fight back, no matter how little she is. That spirit in itself just always reminded me of Jason.
But now with the Netflix movie, I've watched the musical several times this week and it's really made me listen to the music (before I only listened to a couple of the songs with any repetition) and Wow do I have feelings. But this song in particular, at first I was thinking about how it would reflect on Jason & Bruce before I realized something...
This is exactly how Tim's story plays out. The song is the final song in the play, and it's called Still Holding my Hand. The lyrics go:
I believed that I would never be able to rely on anybody else. And I was sure that I would just have to learn to survive all by myself. And one day I opened my eyes, and looked to find that the sky had turned blindingly blue. And right by my side was you quietly taking a stand, and you were holding my hand.
And just. Think about that. Tim Drake was this tiny little child who inserted himself in Bruce's life because Batman needed help. He didn't go to Batman for help in anything, and while canon is kind of all over the place on Tim's own situation, he was a neglected child in basically every version. In the main one most people tend to use, he rarely had his parents around, and was instead raised by boarding schools and the housekeeper. But none of those people are parents. They aren't people you can rely on. They're all employees of someone or something. They aren't the same thing as nannies, and even then, nannies aren't replacements for parents. I say that as a former nanny. People who take care of you for a living aren't permanent fixtures in your life, no matter how wonderful, supporting, and loving they are. And that will cause a wall to be built between you, especially if you're used to being moved around or just don't have the same one your whole childhood.
So Tim, being 12 or 13, didn't have anyone in his life he could rely on. He relied on himself, and was fiercely independent as a result. It's certainly one of his strengths, and it was what made him approach Batman and save him over and over again. But even if it was a strength of his, everyone, everyone, but especially children need people they can rely on. And once the grieving-Bruce resigned himself to training this child they bonded. Bruce started noticing things about Tim, about Tim's parents. Or... lack of Tim's parents, and so he stepped up further. He became a father figure in Tim's life. Even if he was hesitant, because Tim wasn't his kid.
And one day.... Tim opened his eyes and saw. And he realized that Bruce was there for him. Bruce cared about him, loved him even, and Tim trusted him with his entire being. Something he never thought would happen. Kid-him relying on an adult so heavily.
Anyway. Now listen to the song and cry with me about it.
youtube
#tim drake#tim & bruce#basically my word vomit#ive been thinking about it so heavily today#too bad i dont have a traditional tim & bruce fic WIP right now because id been working on it so hard now 😅#i will say i have never read the book matilda#i know i should probably rectify that#but i havent read many childrens books because im dyslexic and i really couldn't read well until i was an older teenager#and i didnt even get super into reading until i was in my 20s#and so none of these childrens books everyone has as like a foundation have that nostalgia factor for me and theyre hard to read#because theyre written for children lmao#maybe one day ill have kids of my own and ill read them all these books
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if barb really thought her husband was just a naive idiot or any other dumb things i've read and just wanted to be a completely vindictive cunt, coop would not even be allowed to see janey, let alone have any kind of custody of her.....
#.ooc ( it feels so empty without me )#i'm not even saying she can't be a 'bad' guy#she's a very complex and well-written (so far) character#w/relatable and believable motives#and she did a terrible thing!#/helped people do a terrible thing!#/was willing to watch a terrible thing happen as long as her family was safe!#that's /bad/ but it MAKES SENSE#i just don't understand where ppl get the idea she has any disdain for cooper#is she frustrated w/him? probably!#but she's also not telling him everything so! what's he supposed to do#she just hopes that when the time comes he understands why she did what she did#and that she didn't have a choice!#grrrrrrr#.muse ( barb howard )#like no actually. idt her being some big evil super villain is actually an interesting story to tell here#like i mean. compare barb to hank in the way they talk about things#i think that alone is evidence enough tbh
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So earlier today I introduced some of my WIPs to some new people, and I realised that many people might not be familiar with those two WIPs.
Kriya Petri: fantasy (with body horror & dystopian elements). Setting: A country called Fillor on a planet called Thuluke. In Fillor, to bind yourself to the one you love, you require a trinamate potion to seal the bond. 'Trinamate' is marriage (though that is a rather crude translation of the word). But to get a trinamate potion legally, the couple needs to be… acceptable. A man and a woman who plan to have at least one child. Yes, it's been 1000 years since the global apocalypse, but 'sufficient reproduction' is still a concern among the Filore people (plus it's a moral virtue for the Divine Monarchy, who reside on the cloudlands, with an iron grip on the institutes of Fillor). A potioneer wants to elope with their lover, but the pair is, let's just say, not acceptable. So what are they to do? The potioneer brews a trinamate potion on their own, finding the closely guarded methods & ingredients for the potion through who-knows-who, bunch of shady people. The potion explodes. The potioneer knows the punishment for something like this. They'll be condemned to Kaewoe (so will their lover, if anyone finds out), a realm so deep below the ground that it's close to the core of the planet. Kaewoe, where the mind & body are destroyed by the horribly high concentration of magic. Kaewoe, the names & lives & loves of all who enter it, all slowly turned to unknowledge. Good thing stealing identities is absurdly easy in Fillor! The potioneer wipes all memory of their crimes & love (or else the Thought magicians would know), flees to the city of Naebo. Their name is now Kriya Petri,
.
Welcome To The Real World: scifi, fantasy, surrealism, horror, tragedy
This one's in very early stages Inspired by Frankenstein Setting: The Great South Asian Rip in Reality, where physics (time & space both) is just completely twisted. The year is sometime in the 2070s. Sometimes it's the 2040s outside the Rip. Depends when/where you step out. Moh-maya, reality's very fabric & everything that keeps up the illusions that comprise reality, are very malleable in here. Main character: Kabir aka Moksh. A closeted Indian trans man who lives a double life, perhaps even a triple life. One in which he's a cis woman & a regular bright STEM student (STEM studies also include study of moh-maya). Another in which he's just some guy with good friends (the most authentic of his lives), where he goes by the name Kabir & uses moh-maya to present as his true self. If only temporarily. (it's painful, mentally & physically, whenever he has to revert to the female form). The third is some mad scientist bullshit, he's going by the name of Moksh among his fellow mad scientists & his main project is a moh-maya Frankenstein's monster that others can share their consciousness with, such that they can experience shape-shifting more easily & go where they physically aren't, do things they physically can't. Let's simply call it the 'entity'. Due to many reasons, creating this entity is pretty illegal. Hence the new name & collaboration with fellow shady people. the plot, put shortly: he starts doing vigilante justice w/the entity & then goes far & gets more & more consumed w/work & things go verrrrrrryyyyyy wrong despite starting with (dubious but) good intentions.
in this second one i neglected to mention the fact that you, as the reader, get front row tickets to the main character's spiral into madness & justifying murders thru the entity + the entity is a whole person & has opinions + a whole lot of other stuff, I DID mention that this WIP is in very early stages but holy fuck i could go on & on about it (just not in a way that can be packaged in a structured & sensible introduction)
#i have re-written the introduction to kriya petri so many times because it's hard to know WHAT parts i should talk about first#and this introduction still isn't concise. currently i'm not really in the phase where nailing the introduction is super important but#it's still at least a LITTLE BIT important. but i never seem to get it right. i think this one IS an improvement over my other#introductions to this wip because it gets the MAIN FOCUSES across (and even without talking about the other major characters it at least#touches upon the issues kriya has which will be common with the other characters. so it works).#still not entirely satisfied BUT this is my 'baby' wip cuz i started it when i was 14 and it's grown so much in the past 4 years#and honestly i should probably just read a bunch of scifi (finish octavia butler's series lilith's brood maybe since i finished the last#book recently) because before i wrote this intro. THAT was what made some of the worldbuilding aspects 'click'.#i really need to make the amphibious nature of the thuluken humans play more of a part in their culture as well!#i just realised that so many aspects of this world have been DISCONNECTED! they need to be woven together!#it's midnight and i'm sleepy. why am i sleepy i could be working on this (or on my college assignments [it's okay i've got a lot of time#for them & am making progress on them at a steady rate])
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Tumblrina 2 me btw. Would ride up and say some shit like “I’m not trans but I believe in their beliefs” or maybe say some shit about leaving to “steal some shoelaces” then kicking Joe Biden in the sack or something
#I’m thinking about their families. Danny’s r easy the fandom is ripe w Fenton opinions#less about mansons or foleys pr grays#like there’s some stuff but there’s a lot more room to explore the space#I also wanna give them uncles and aunts and cousins and extended families but I’ll worry about that if/when relevant.#but the family units they actually live with matter more so that’s where my thoughts lie#anyways! so#mansons give me big ‘’coparenting after a divorce must be rough’’ ‘’…we aren’t divorced’’ energy#like get divorced 10 years ago. they make each other worse and no one enjoys it#ida had a huge life where she was poor but moved around a lot+learned+did alot and I think whichever of sams parents she parented resent it#and rebeled from that by leaning super into the hussle culture capitalism tar pit#then maybe one of tuckers parents is technically a step parent… bio parents had a healthy divorce/breakup to friends coparenting arc#but like written in a way that doesn’t think of either parent as worse or weird shit like that#like ‘’technically’’ as in legally but tucker considers all three equally his parents#idk. I have some worried about writing that well but I’ll look into it on my own later#Valerie’s other parents probably gonna be a ghost. lots of potential for angst and/or a sweet reunion there#probably the latter I love that sappy shit#but bc that parent’s gone Val+her dad became super super close+trusting#they for sure have shared hobbies but I haven’t decided what yet#thinking something related to athletics or photography?#that’s probably closest to fanon based on my understanding of fanon tropes#where like. lying to their dad about hunting ghosts it is a major struggle for Val emotionally.
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I gotta be less terminally online bc every time I think about jjk’s ending I get annoyed
#jjk spoilers#I know I might not be the right audience for this#but like#none of that ending felt earned#to paraphrase Lindsey Ellis:#“Of course his actions make sense! he’s explaining them! with his words!#jjk kinda felt like a series of the characters non stop yapping and their actions saying something completely different#and I don’t think it was intentionally bc of how nauseatingly happy that finale was#like there should be MASSIVE societal upheavals based on the character’s dumb decisions#but nope! everything’s fine!#also Gojo who’s Gojo?#the guy who laid the groundwork for the happy ending?#actually everything was his fault and he died with no friends and none of his students mourn him#and we mutilated his corpse in a cheap attempt to get people to start reading again#but that ending’s totally fine! because he SAID that he’s okay with it!#in an out of place flashback that felt like it was written on a napkin in between edits#probably the same napkin that wasted *an entire chapter* undoing all the sacrifices from the Sukuna fight#and arguing against every reasonable complaint about the Sukuna fight and how bad the plan was#and introducing an *entire new villain* three fucking chapters before the ending#just to make Mei Mei look cool because everyone hates her and we need to like her now I guess#even though she was written as a *fucking groomer* and everyone was justifyably disgusted that it was treated as a *running joke*#uuuuuuuuuuuuugh I’m so mad#this was the most ‘well actually’ ass ending to a series I’ve seen in a while#if you feel the need to completely break the immersion of your series by talking directly through your characters#about how every writing decision you made was actually super smart and deep and totally worth it#then you wrote a bad ending
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