#this is probably all in my head but idk i feel sad ive been feeling sad its why ive veen less active on here

[pulluppuddles]

god i feel so weird and unwanted on here being masc lately 🥲

[strangerhands]

mmmmm heyyy👁️. ive basically been gone from tumblr for over two days because ive been feeling like a shitty piece of shit. BUT. i finally saw dune part 2 and ohmygoddddd it was so so good. but yes. i was missing leto so bad the entire time. Father come back pls. i need you.

[arielluva]

grief is such a weird emotion bc i can be fine most of the time even if it think about it, but then sometimes thinking about it digs it up all over again

[skrunksthatwunk]

yeah i can't come to class today, sorry. yeah. yeah. it's cause my hair's too long. mhm. gonna put me out of commission til the weekend at least

[harleehazbinfics]

ermm ermmm ,,,,, , cannibal!reader has like a sad past right (i saw u mention they were abused hence the obsession w approval) ,, well okay what if the hotel residents found out? like ... idk one of reader’s parents shows up at the hotel ... idk , honestly i just really love how you write cannibal reader theyre wildly silly

Crazy for you!

--- cannibal chef m.list

a/n: AWWW THANK YOU SO MUCHHH they/she is indeed very silly, i most of my inspo from myself and other fans of alastor and their reactions lmao. ive been stuck on one fanfic for days i gave up today and words just flowed for cannibal chef reader, i can't--. also plsplspls if you find any of this triggering pls turn back, i want all of you to be in a safe space.

warnings: abusive mother, shaming choice of clothing, weight shaming, typical asian behavior of 'be a doctor or lawyer' but rudeness level maxed out, being called ungrateful, useless etcetc DISCLAIMER: Any scenarios are entirely fictional and have no direct relation to any person and taken from behaviours I see, read or hear from. Thank you. word count: 1292

You, Alastor, Niffty, Husk, Angel and Sir Pentious got together and were enjoying a lazy weekend just lounging around the parlor just enjoying each other's company and talking amongst each other. The lot of them fitting on the couch and the floor. You stood beside Alastor sitting on a chair by himself drinking his coffee indulging himself in a casual conversation.

You all turn your heads when the door opens expecting to see Vaggie and Charlie, preparing to greet them and get them to join you all. However, they stop in themselves from doing so when they see the both of them touring a person in.

Your constant smile drops at the sight of her. You immediately recognize the face and voice making you slowly and quietly hid behind the chair Alastor making yourself small as to not catch their attention. Alastor, of course, notices this action and raises his eyebrow.

"And this is Angel and Sir Pentious our other guest, Niffty our cleaning maid and Husk our bartender. Alastor here is the host of the hotel, he's the who supported all our endeavors!" Charlie states.

"Oh! Isn't that the Radio Demon? Dear it is him! I'm a big fan of yours," your mother mooches at Alastor earning a displeased static sound from him when she abruptly shook his hand without his permission.

"Alastor, where's (y/n)? Aren't they always with you?" Charlie asks making you cringe as you cautiously walk towards them.

"(Y/n)? Is that you?" your mother asks in disbelief before enveloping you in a hug, which made you sick to your stomach. "Oh gosh! It's been years! Look at you! You look so skanky with that clothing. You also look like you've gained weight. I told you not to go to culinary school and be a doctor or lawyer instead. You look so fat now, probably from all that meat you're eating. You should've gone vegan look how your Aunt Karen slimmed down, she's been going around and teaching, crazy bitch. Anyway, take my luggage to my room, I need to talk to everyone here. Good? Great."

You tried to get a word in with dejected eyes but lose your voice when she gives you harsh glare. You sigh and take her bags and answered, "Yes mother."

Without you noticing, all the others went deathly silent as they watch you look so sad. Your almost permanent smile disappeared from your face making them surprised and worried. You always smiled around them, mimicking Alastor's grin that was plastered on your face. Sure, they've seen you drop the smile when you were separated with Alastor before but eventually you opened up to them and was seen constantly socializing and smiling around them making them feel relieved being the youngest of all of them, but they never seen you look so sad before. Coupled with the backhanded comments made by your mother, they couldn't help but feel hostile.

Indeed, you were crazy and a bit of a monster, but you were the sweetest most thoughtful thing that ever happened to them. Any occasion was prepared by you ranging from the Hotel's Anniversary, Birthdays and even as miniscule as just a mission accomplished on their rehabilitation program. This encouraged everyone to do better with how much faith you put in them. (That and your cooking is so out of this world that even Angel would dial his drug intake from a 15 to a 13 for a treat.)

So, when your sweet and genuine smile faded, they glared at the perpetrator that made you react so drastically. However, in respect for Charlie they held their tongue first.

"Sooo, what's your relationship with (y/n)?" Charlie asks trying to be polite despite the tense atmosphere.

"Oh, her? She's my daughter. Ungrateful little wench, I took care of her her whole life and the thanks I get is her running away home. Next thing I know she's in a boarding school for taking culinary classes. Where'd that bitch even get that money, she should've paid everything he owed to us first! Her parents! Say, can you make me a drink Whiskers? Just thinking of that bitch makes my head hurt. Make it snappy," she orders around slumping onto a vacant seat making herself very at home.

"Don't call me Whiskers, only my friends get to call me that. And I ain't taking shit from you," Husker replies turning his back at her.

She gasps dramatically and yells, "You call this hospitality?!"

She stands up trying to reach Husk, Angel stands in between them along with Pentious and Niffty before a black tendril shoots out from the ground wrapping around her.

"This is where I draw the line," Vaggie growls pointing her spear at your mother.

"What? You actually like that girl? Pft, what the fuck's that all about. She's ungrateful and good for nothing. You actually like someone as useless as her?" your mother laughs at the protective group, her eyes widen as she sees Charlie change into her demon form.

Alastor gently pushes her behind him stopping her in her tracks. He says, "I'll handle this. This obviously concerns my closest companion so this will fall into my hands."

Your mother scrutinizes him finding his tone and gesture quite odd then her eyes lighten up in recognition. She laughs at him and yells, "You can't be serious! You like that--"

She gets cut off as the tendril wraps around her mouth and drags you in his shadow, ceasing her muffled screams. As soon as she disappears, you come down finding all of them but your mom.

"Where's my mom?"

"Sheeee changed her mind! Yeah! She told us that she had something to do," Charlie lies between her teeth with an anxious look in her eyes making Vaggie elbow her despite her doing the same.

"Oh, I see," you say still not smiling, "Will she come back? Her things are still here."

"Nah. She ain't comin' back, sweet cheeks. She's got better shit to do apparently and wanted us to drop off her stuff on an address," Angel casually lies beckoning her to sit with them petting your head after.

Husk nudges Pentious making him confused for a while before getting the message, answering, " Y-yes! I will do it right now. Eggbois! Take the woman's things outside the hotel!"

While the little eggs tottered to do their master's bidding your eyes slowly light up but not fully their yet.

"Look kid, we won't prod into your business but know if you ever need someone to talk to, you've got a bartender right here," Husk jokes with a grin holding onto his suspenders in a pose making you slightly giggle.

"Hey, hey you got us too!" Angel, Charlie, Niffty and Pentious (that got back from telling them to throw the old bat's shit into the garbage) joined in earning a smile from Vaggie and Alastor.

After you felt better, you called in for the day and left to your rooms. After escorting Alastor to his room he snags you inside then comes in close before petting your head tenderly.

You look at him surprised, although without your normal heart eyes that you give him, confused at his actions.

He brushes his fingers against your cheek electrifying you and states, "Whenever you get into trouble, tell me. I'll handle it myself, after all you are mine."

Your eyes shape into hearts, legs turning into jelly, heart beating faster and faster by the millisecond, trying to comprehend the weight of his words and engraving them into your brain.

"Understood?" he asks pleased with your reaction.

"Yes, Sir~" you breathed out finding yourself flushed red, breath hot and heavily.

"Good," he smiles devilishly.

(I'll leave the ending as ambiguous 😌)

[bangchansgirlsblog]

Ive been imagining this and ik its weird BUT ot8 skz being perv and so obsessed to fem 9th member.. Like they get super jealous and the fem readed being a people pleaser like she cant say no to her friends and cant stand seeing them sad so when the members started to became sexually touchy w her they used that against her and be like "dont u want to see us happy? We've been tired and we just want to relieve some stress.. I thought u can help us.. I guess not" and they pretend to be sad abt it and the reader just felt guilty for not helping her friends so she lets them touch her which led to smut KDNDJFKDJ its weird but idk i die for these kinds of fics

Hands on me?

Warning: Angst, sexual activity, manipulation?

Pairing: polyOT8 x reader.

Summary: Don’t you wanna see us happy baby? They said as they slowly peeled her clothes off.

AUTHORS NOTE: this has been in my requests for a while and I write this when I first started off SO it’s not good at all BUT I’m going to write another one using this same request cause I have another idea AND this was in my drafts for a while so I’m dropping it to clear it.

I hope whoever requested this, enjoys it 🥰

**

"Baby?!" She heard someone call for her from the living room. 

"I'm in here!" She replied. Her hair was up in a pony tail and she was currently wearing shorts and a croptop with no bra on making her look yummy.

She heard a bunch of voices start piling up in the living room meaning that the boys were back home.

A small smile creeped up on her face as she continued to wash up the dishes she had used to cook dinner. She made a big dinner because at the end of the day she was feeding 8 of her boyfriends who were also MEN. 

"Hey love," Han walked into the kitchen. His hair was in a hat and he had his normal hoodie and cargo pants on. "Are you feelings better?" He asked while taking a few steps towards her until he towering her. His breathing was heavy probably from the flight of stairs.

"Mmm, yeah. Just been a long day that's all." She sighed and looked up at him. He had a pout on his face making her coo at how adorable the boy was.

"I missed you," he said in between kisses. 

"Missed you too momo," he rested his head on her shoulder she continued to finish the dishes.Han was always clingy, not more than Felix but it was more than the other boys, that was for sure.

As she finished up she felt His hands slowly wondering around her body then slowly landing on her ass. oh, makes sense. He was horny.

She did love every interaction with her boys, she really did but today she wasn't in the mood at all. She was tired and she had a horrible headache from work. having sex was not on her to-do list but a nap was.

"Do you want me to take care of you?" He whispered in her ear causing shivers to run down her spine. She was sad because she was going to turn him down and she knew how stressed all the boys were, he just wanted have fun.

"Maybe not right now momo, I'm not in the mood," She told him while finishing the last of the dishes and drying her hands. He pouts and lets out a small whimper.

"Have you eaten yet?" She asked him changing the subject.

"Not yet no," he frowned.

"Okay then sit, let me call the other guys to come eat too," She encourage him, "and don't forget to put your dirty clothes in the laundry basket," She tiptoed and gave him a quick kiss before going to the living room to find only Changbin sat while scrolling through his phone.

He was wearing all black and he had his glasses on. His hair was fluffy and curly meaning today he was in the studio all day.

"Binnie?" She walked and sat by him, "what are you doing?"

"Hey baby," he kisses her temple and then her lips, "I was just lacing up my shoes, what about you? How was your day?"

"I'm tired that's all," she pouted, "and my period is coming soon so I'm breaking out!" she exclaimed and crossed her arms causing him to chuckle.

"I mean atleast you look nice," he dropped his shoe and pulled her close to his body, "you look beautiful, pretty, gorgeous, amazing-"

"Okay, okay I get the point," she roll my eyes playfully.

"Hey? Am I not allowed to praise my beautiful girlfriend?" He playfully frowns.

"You are I geuss," she giggled and he couldnt help but pull her onto his lap.

"Then let me praise you huh?" He kisses her cheek and slowly starts moving down her neck. A small moan leaves her mouth.

"B-Binnie, I'm not in the mood, please," she told him.

"Why not? You're always in the mood," he looks confused.

"Not today, just come have lunch yeah?" she give him a peck on the lips and got off him so he could stand up.

"Fine," he huffs. He makes his way to the dining area as she depart6ed and headed to Felix's room

"Felix?" she called while knocking on his door.

"It's open!"

"Hey sunshine, dinner is ready-"

"Hey! no kisses? No hugs?" He frowned and turned around from his desk.

"Oh-" she giggled when she realized and then walked over to him, "Hey lix," she repeated and  gave him a kiss as he automatically pulled her on his lap.

"How's my baby doing?" He asked as his hands wrapped around her waist and he cuddled her body.

"Mm just tired," she sighed.

"Oh my poor baby, should we watch a movie later?" He was craving her. he wanted to spend more time with her because he felt like he had spent so much time with the boys that he was neglecting her.

"Yeah that would be nice but first go get lunch," she forced herself out of his grip but he let out a soft whine due to the lack of touch and well...the bulge that was now very visible through his pants.

"Look what you've done to me," he whined again causing her to laugh at his distraught state.

"Oh oh, you better fix that before you go down,"

"Help me please!" He frowned.

"I'm not in the mood Felix, please."

"Come on pleaseee, it's been a long day. Don't you want to see me happy?"

His eyes were shiny and hungry, it was obvious.

"Fine after dinner," she lied to him so he could get up and he actually believed it.

"Okay okay, I'm running there now!"

He got up from his sit and rushed out the room.

She followed behind him and checked the dining room to see everyone now sitting down including Chan, I.N, Seungmin and leeknow.

She went around to give them quick kisses before returning to her room and changed into just a  huge shirt (that was probably for one of the boys) and underwear.

She turned off all her room lights and entered bed now being able to have a peaceful sleep. A nice, nice qui-

She felt the bed dip and hands wrap around her body. Her eyes open quickly and she saw familiar hands. Chan.

"Channie?"

"Hey babe, I wanted to cuddles," he pouted.

"Fine but no disturbing my sleep," she scolded him and turned so it was easier for him to wrap his arms around her waist.

Her eyes slowly closed once again and she finally thought she was to get some sleep until the door swung wide open and closed quickly, two more people walking in and making themselves comfortable in her bed. Han and I.N. At this point she was so used to it that she just let them stay as they both argued on who was sleeping where.

"Guys if you're going to be in here, you have to be quiet and sleep," She told all of them off. Even if she was getting a little frustrated she scooted up a little so they could all enter the bed.

Not even a few minutes later all the boys were now in her room on her bed piling onto one another under her fluffy blankets. She knew exactly what they wanted when she felt one of their hands massaging her leg.

She let out a sigh, "Such horny dogs!" she groaned.

"Common baby, it's been a long day. Don't you care about us?" Hyunjin teased her in a manipulative manner.

"Just a little fun. Come on please," Han rubbed her leg once more back and forth causing shivered to run down her spine.

"You look good too," Felix complimented her while tugging at her bra strap, "really good." They were basically already peeling her clothes off with their cold ass hands.

She let out a sigh and finally gave in, "F-fine I geuss so," her eyes wonder to Chan who gives her an assuring nod.

//please idk how to write a smut but just imagine the nastiest thing ever happens//

When they were done and the boys were satisfied as Y/n sat on the bed. Her heart was racing from all the action but she was in her own space. Spaced out.

The constant thoughts of the boys using her for their sexual desires made her enter a depressive episode. Yes she enjoyed the sex and the attention but so many emotions were running through her tiny body that she couldn't handle it anymore.

She felt used like a sex toy and the tears in her eyes slowly started to build as she started to breath rapidly. The air in the room getting suddenly thick. Seungmin was in the bathroom running her bath for her after care. The sound of the water falling was the only sort of noise she could hear.

She held her knees against her chest as she tried to calm down. Han's hand wrapped around her waist. As he kissed her temple. "you did so good for us, you know that right babygirl?" he praised but she didnt even notice him in the first place. Her eyes were hazy and completely black and when Han noticed, he gave chan a look. 

"Hey, are you with us?" Chan asked immediately as he pulled up his sweatpants. "Y/n?"

No response.

She was staring at the wall right in-front of her. She felt unloved. She felt tired. She was in pain.

The boys (some of them were still dressing up) all turned to look at her. Her body was still bare and the bruises on her arms were visible.

"Is she going into a trance?" I.N asked panicked. "Chan do something, please,"

"Hey Y/n? Babygirl? It me. Can you hear me?" He walked over to her and grabbed her tiny hands.

"C-channie?" She chocked as She looked up at him. The tears slowly starting to fall.

"Yes my love, it's me. Can you tell me where you are?"

"I'm alone, I'm all alone," she sobbed. "Why am I like this? Why am I so disgusting?" She cried.

"What do you mean Y/n?" He asked shocked.

"I-I want Binnie, I want Binnie now," she said reaching out for him. Changbin did not hesitate. He was right by her side pulling her onto his lap. The rest of the boys understanding what was going on and quickly taking action.

"I'm here princesses, tell me what's wrong," he had no shirt on and the skin to skin was slowly giving her comfort as his body heat was radiating warmth.

"I-do you love me?" She asked. The panic in her voice was clear. She was soon going to get a panic attack. it was building up.

"Ofcourse I love you babydoll, why would you think otherwise?" He questioned while kissing her forehead.

"i- i dont know, please dont be mad at me," She sobbed in his chest. The view was heartbreaking and the boys knew that if they didnt find a way to cheer her up soon it would end up into a full blown panic attack.

"I'm going to make some brownies for her," Felix said because he knew this was the only way he could comfort her on his part. He quickly leaves the room after hesitating for a bit not wanting to leave her.

"I- are you guys using me? For sex?" She cried harder. Her hands held Changbins chest as She struggled to breathe. Their faces were in absolute shock. was this what they made her think? was this all she thought she was to them? 

"Ofcourse not," leeknow knelt down infront of her. He slowly rubbed her thigh. "Jagi, you need to breathe. Can you do that for me?" He asked her. Her body was shaking still. she tried to gasp for air but failed. 

"Listen to me beuatiful, you need to breathe like me....see," he took a deep breathe to demonstrate to her but it was no use. 

"i- i cant breathe," she gasped and let go of changbin to grab her neck. it felt like it was closing up. Her vision was blurry now and the lack of oxygen was getting to her. 

"C-chan?" she gasped as she slowly she started to pass out. Her body giving up on her due to the many emotions.

"come on baby, stay with me," she heard in the distance.

"Guys! call 119,"

***

This is just a fic no one come for me 😔

[the-s1lly-corner]

Jax x reader thats like the mayor from the nightmare before christmas?

What i mean is the reader has a normal face on the front of her head, and a sad clown like face on the back.

Reader is normally happy, but when something bad happens their head does a 180 and they're all worried and paranoid

Jax x two face!reader !

gosh no because that one ena ask gave me a very similar idea for this and now i got an oc idea so uh!!! idk, maybe ill draw something for that idea, maybe not. likely not, ive been in a weird art funk the past few days enjoy!

imma say this right now before i forget but i feel like jax would try to spin your head around to look at both sides. please get this man a fidget toy im literally begging you, anytime i mention a reader that has a part of them/piece of clothing that can be somehow turned into a fidget thing i throw my jax hc at it

got thrown off the first time you switches faces, assuming the face isnt visible from the back; but if it is he has probably talked to the wrong face at least once

but thats just a general hc for everyone, i dont think just jax would slip up like that^^

tries to at least be a little nice to you when your sad face rears its head in, usually though hes bad at comforting so he probably tries to deal with whatever is causing the issue instead. i believe in jax being a not very good comforter; this man does not know what to say and probably very awkwardly pats your shoulder. youre gonna have to let him know what you need from him if either of you expect the relationship to work

sure, your normal face is capable of showing most... neutral and positive expressions, but something about seeing a smile on you hits something in him, especially after a period of you being stuck with the sadder counterpart

he has to fight himself from saying something that could be taken as mean when he expresses that hes glad youre feeling better

[valdrift]

as the end of 2024 has been getting closer ive been both dreading and anticipating the new year and its a feeling tht i really dislike lol (more under cut bc my rambling got way longer than i thought 😦)

like i moved out 2022 and its been amazing for both my mental health and growth as a person since being away from my family gave me the space to figure out what i want to do and how to. idk. live ? got medicated, developed better coping mechanisms, made great friends, etc. i mean im living with my friends rn and theyre like family and i just got licensed to be an lvt and its all great ! but the thing is that my bio family need me and thts probably the root of the issue

cus my family is dirt poor, like living on gov aid, and none of them can work so growing up i was always told how i needed to be successful to take care of them even though i had plenty of rich relatives and i always wondered why none of them bothered to help and decided to put all that responsibility on a kid ?? and i was pretty much raised into being my family's eventual caretaker. from 13-17 i used to be so angry/depressed/resentful about it and hated my family bc it felt like they robbed me of my agency but now, i cant blame them. im not saying they should have done tht to a kid but i understand why. theres a bunch of complicated legal things and other stuff i dont want to get into and my family are either old, disabled, or both and god knows my relatives arent going to help so its up to me yknow ? its why im moving back in with them by 2025 to take care of them. and i love my family, i really do even if i dont tell them bc we dont talk like that and we all know it anyways. my mom is such a strong person despite how everyone looks down on her and i want her to have nice things, i want my family to live in a house that is clean and not falling apart, i want my mom to not have to ever worry about working and to have time for herself bc shes been stuck caring for kids for half her life. i love my family, i want to take care of them, and im angry i never got a choice. family is complicated and i wish it was as easy as just going "i dont want this responsibility" but i know its not

i keep telling myself that this is just how things are supposed to be and im going to spend the rest of my life taking care of them and i thought i accepted it but theres still some small part of me thats reluctant. i know im never going to have a partner or romance bc my family is and always will be my first priority and ig thats sad but i really dont mind. and im not just saying that, like genuinely im fine being single, i dont need companionship and have never felt that loneliness. im just fine with my friends and i dont need anything more, it just kinda sucks i dont get that choice. the whole thing is kinda sad and ive been told as much but these are the cards life dealt me and better me than someone else i guess

truth is im kind of scared, it feels like my life has already peaked and being away from my family has been so freeing but its selfish and damn if i dont want to be selfish for just a little longer. but its hard when i can see my mom getting older and the house getting worse and im angry that this isnt as easy as it should be. this country is awful and the systems in place are cruel and makes life as difficult as possible for people of color, the poor, and disabled. i know i'll get over it and i'll be moving back in and helping them like i promised but i'm only 22. my relatives are acting like i'm wasting my life every second im not helping my family or working towards making 6 figures or whatever and i won't lie it's put doubts in my mind. but im only 22!!!! i dont know. maybe im being dramatic because honestly it could be worse and we're even lucky to have a roof over our heads and to even have a steady source of income no matter how little it is. ive never told anyone the last bit abt being scared and all that, i think its easier to type it than say it, and it also helps i dont have a face to yall and i dont have to look you in the eye. i dont know if ive ever shared this much or anything like this on here either lol. i dont know

tldr; do it scared i guess

[roseworth]

forgot to actually say this in the ask but the idea of jason being his favorite for a time but specifically when he's dead... yeah. spending time away from fanon jason stans really does make you love him more because that would not have made me feel anything a while ago but that's so good. and makes so much sense but is very sad.

of course bruce was unable to stop thinking about jason when he was gone! and of course that love would be entirely unrecognizable to jason when he comes back! jason was isolated even alive! and besides their differing--viewpoints, jason has changed from the child that spent so much time mourning, and is doing things that bruce would find hard to see from anyone, and they're always standing opposite each other anyway so how could bruce, never very gifted in the emotions department in the first place, ever communicate how much jason means to him with all of that? and also there's the part where jason IS going around and murdering people, it would probably be a little hard for anyone to forgive of their kid, let alone bruce.

i'm probably getting mind of incoherent but i just. it is so very clear that bruce and jason care about each other, and it doesn't help their relationship at all because they're stuck like this forever. i LOVE when relationships are like this, ships for example where they never get together but they're in love forever are the best kind, and i always wish more people were just obsessed with that kind of. - emotional stranding? - in other kinds of relationships. maybe i'm looking in the wrong places and that's why i'm not finding other people who like this idk

but that's what makes me so obsessed with bruce, he's not even my favorite character but basically every single one of his important relationships is stuck like this. his kids his wife (talia❤️) his dad. he has an entirely different type of crazy with every single one of those people but the main thing those relationships have in common is that they encourage a lot of growth in each other at the beginning, and then life gets in the way or they grow past each other or miscommunicate themselves out of their former closeness. sorry to ramble at you for so long but what you said about jason and bruce turned me into an animal. i've been a sleeper agent this whole time apparently. stuck trying to think about his individual relationships with his other children now, all at the same time. you did this to me

(original post) hi im so sorry i know i said i would answer this like a week ago but i Forgot. but im here now <3

first of all HARD agree with what you said about loving relationships where both of them care about each other but cant make anything work despite it. its all about the love being there but it doesnt change anything and the way two people care about each other deeply and it changes everything about the dynamic but nothing about the circumstances. its so so good. youre so right that bruce is such a good character for this dynamic because his core beliefs and motivations are so important to him as a character that if he eases up on them even a little he becomes a completely different person, and it means that every relationship he has is strained because he cant waver on the beliefs that make him who he is

anyways. i want to talk about why i believe jason was the favorite child after he died but first i want to talk about dick. to me dick is and always will be bruce's favorite son. but not in a good way

ive heard some people say that jason was the favorite son while he was robin and thats a fine headcanon but i simply do not agree! i understand where people are coming from since bruce & dick had a very strained relationship at that time, meanwhile jason was just a happy and polite kid who liked being robin and didnt have many issues until starlin. but bruce & dick have such a specific relationship that even when they werent talking, dick was still bruce's favorite. bruce held dick in such high regard in his head that jason could never meet the standard, even though bruce rarely (outwardly) compared the two of them. bruce was projecting so much onto dick (in a way that he did to cass later on, which ill get back to in a sec) that jason could never meet the version of dick that existed in bruce's head. even the real dick instead of the idealized dick that bruce had made was better than jason to bruce because bruce had completely adopted the "my son's success is my success" mindset (which isnt necessarily a bad thing! in this case i would say that this is one of bruce's parenting wins) so he was proud of dick and watched him grow into what bruce was hoping he would (a successful, independent hero) even though they werent talking

not to mention! bruce explicitly tells dick that he brought in jason to fill the hole in his life left by dick (the dick hole. hehe) i dont like the idea that jason was constantly being compared to dick because thats not entirely true because bruce rarely openly brought up dick around jason, but he definitely was doing it in his head. he wanted jason to be dick, but he wasnt the Evil Father that some people try to make him out to be. he just adopted jason to have someone in his life like dick was, and he wanted jason to be what dick was to him even though he couldnt replicate the relationship he had with dick because it was so dependent on where each of them were in their lives when they met and became Batman and Robin. and bruce confirms that in batman #416 that he adopted jason because he missed dick and needed someone else in his life

anyways back to jason. i do believe that jason was briefly the favorite while he was dead. i love this post saying that one of bruce's favorite children is jason's corpse because its so fucking real

im gonna get off topic for a second but i swear i have a point. in the play buried child by sam shepard, the mom (halie) constantly talks about her dead son ansel and talks about how he was an american hero, an athlete, and many other amazing things. hes the representation of the american dream in the play, but hes dead, showing the disillusionment of the family. but halie is constantly bringing him up and shes convinced that he was the perfect son and he would've made her proud, unlike her other sons who disappointed her. and her sons keep trying to correct her about who ansel was because she would get things wrong, like how shes convinced ansel played basketball even though he never did, but she refused to listen because he was the Golden Child in her mind and she had a perfect image of him when she looked back on his life, because he was dead and now had never disappointed her

now. you can probably see where im going with this. bruce wasnt as bad as halie but i do think that the idea is the same. since jason was dead, it was a lot easier to think about all the good things and imagine how good it could've been if jason was there. even the "he wouldnt listen" line in that screenshot ^ is the same idea! if the dead son had only listened to his parent's warning, he would still be alive and it would be fine! its a lot easier for bruce to think about jason when he's dead because jason cant disappoint him when hes dead. and he doesnt have to worry about the things that bruce doesnt like to do, such as deal with emotions, and can just create this perfect version of robin jason where he was happy and a great hero and there were never and never could be any issues! if only he had listened!

if im being honest theres a lot of canon evidence against this theory. but canon evidence is stupid and im better than that! kidding but the thing is that there was so much difference in how bruce talked about jason every time he was brought up that its hard to exactly pinpoint how anyone felt, so i am simply cherrypicking canon to create my favorite narrative <3

bruce thinks of jason as what he could've been because he only exists in good memories and a glass case when hes dead, and bruce genuinely does not want jason to come back to life. every time jason "came back" before under the red hood, bruce was upset about it. he wanted jason to stay dead because he wanted jason to be able to rest. but also? bruce would rather jason be dead than come back as a villain. he would rather jason live in his memories as the perfect son than be alive and fighting against him. in batman #618, clayface pretends to be jason and bruce is (somewhat) thankful that its not actually jason, because he would rather jason stay dead than be hush

so its safe to say jason very quickly stops being the favorite when he actually comes back to life. i could still believe that jason's corpse is one of bruce's favorites even after jason is alive because bruce still brings up jason's death and how it affected him, and he mourns what he used to have with jason before jason had his own morals and motivations

anyways. cass time <3

like you said in your original ask, a lot of people say that cass is bruce's favorite but its a lot more complicated than that because especially at first, bruce sees her as less of a daughter than an extension of himself but in a different way than dick. when bruce looks at dick, hes kind of like a batman appendage. they are different people and bruce understands that and usually nurtures that to help dick. with cass on the other hand, he sees cass almost as a carbon copy of him so he gives her what he would've wanted at her age and treats her the way that he wanted to be treated. technically hes right that she also wants to be treated like that, but as we see over and over again in batgirl 2000, just because she wants it doesnt mean its good for her. hes not nurturing her as a daughter, hes nurturing her as a smaller version of himself. and again like you said in your ask, cass is too similar to him. they dont really get into fights because of it, but i think he hates himself too much to love cass that much

and the thing is. bruce has an idea of cass in his head that isnt real. he sees her as himself and whenever he hears something that could change that image, he pretends its not real. he refuses to believe that cass killed someone because HE wouldnt kill someone, so obviously cass didnt either. she cant possibly like being outside or talking to people because HE doesnt like that, and theyre the same person so babs must be forcing her to (which.. im not talking about babs and cass right now so i wont go into it but like. yeah she is). he created what he thinks cass is and what he thinks she should be, so anything that threatens that isnt real to him. if (*IF*) cass is the favorite child, its not actually cass. its the version of cass that he wishes was real (a lot like the version of jason's corpse that he wishes was real)

i love this panel from detective comics #790 because first of all its funny to me that bruce immediately tells cass to go to babs with any emotion or problem. but also it says so much about their relationship. bruce isnt there to be cass's father, he's there to be batman to her. hes not exactly neglecting her, but he definitely is not emotionally there for her (not that hes emotionally there for anyone else. but he certainly has no interest in listening to cass's feelings)

as time goes on he starts seeing her as a daughter and she sees him as a father, but even after he starts seeing her as a child she's still not his favorite. like i talked about before, bruce & dick just have such an intricate and specific relationship that no one can ever meet the same standard. even when bruce loves cass as a daughter, he's always going to care more about dick because seeing dick go through the same trauma as him then raising him to be different than him (but the same in the ways that matter to him) means so much more to him than anything he has with his other kids

so yeah. in conclusion dick is the favorite child but sometimes the ghost of jason or the projected version of cass can beat dick depending on his mood

[theropoda]

...... i have. PRAWBLEMS. with the ending but honestly i felt very unwell and gross rn so i had difficulty focusing in the first place, maybe if i watch it again when i feel better ill feel different. under read more bc this got long lol

disclaimer before anyone GETS at me: i am not a critic. im literally just some guy watching a tv show, and i am really more confused than anything so if you really enjoyed the finale and feel like it was the perfect way for the show to end im happy for you! i don't have any intent on arguing it Absolutely Wasn't. this isn't a Hatepost. just me airing my thoughts. that are probably really incoherent bc again, i feel unwell ;_; brain is more focused on my stomach than this damn show

i knew how this was gonna end, i did watch the end of this show before, ive always been familiar w house because i watched episodes of it on tv as a kid with my mom and sister and knew major plot points like amber's death and wilson's cancer and house faking his death and everything but. the details were lost on me. now that i know the details something about them just doesn't jive with me and feel right.

probably related to my earlier post about how even in the final season so much of house is the same. he tried to change for the better but he was still back. i mean the entire premise of the show is about "the disabled addict doctor who struggles to be a person" so if any of these magically stopped being there that'd be stupid ESPECIALLY him being a disabled addict which are so central to his character. so im definitely not complaining about that.

initially i thought him faking his death was insanely reckless but what other choice was available. if he went, Hey, im here! im alive he'd absolutely be going to jail. in jail so far away while his best friend, maybe his only friend would be dying alone. of course he did that. his only choice was ttofake his death to be with wilson. throwing away his whole life and legacy and career and reputation to be with him.

hilson endgame real but also, while watching the whole show i kept going from "tumblr didn't lie these guys are gay" to "Tumblr may have oversold it a bit". but that might just be in the nature of its episodic structure. not e everything is abt wilson there's other people in house's lofe but in that final season everything does speed up, suddenly and become about wilson. which brings me to the whole cancer thing. in my memory of the show from watching it as a kid, Wilson's cancer came up as a plot point WAY earlier and there is much more time to discuss it in the show. to ponder and delve into it, what it means for wilson, for house, for the show. but actually watching the show it feels very sudden....! i felt like the entire cancer thing, which plays so damn heavily into the SERIES FINALE, wasn't explored enough...? it felt rushed. but it might feel like it because well there's a difference between watching a show as it comes out on a schedule vs binge watching it on demand.

and another thing that irked me is- but this is more of a "this personally makes me Feel Sad and Weird" as opposed to genuine criticism is how EVERYONE thinks house is dead except Two People. that's crazy. i have a Thing for closure and knowing things, the truth, im a little paranoid about that, but it just feels insane to me that house's own parents, family, former and current colleges, lovers, everyone... they all think he's dead when he's not. i see how that is, in terms of the Narrative, a good thing? house is truly FREE now. and if other people knew they'd probably call the police. but also that's just kinda horrifying.... I don't know. idk. also wtf cuddy wasn't there at the funeral? D: obviously i know how their last meeting went but they were such big part of each other's lives im rlly shocked she wasn't there! or even showed up at ALL in the ending scene where we see where everyone's life has headed, a little scene of her, Rachel, and someone new

and also. ._. how did that fire even start in the first place?..... did i miss something....? uaaaaah. i should watch it again

ugh but despite my peeves. i want to pass this off as Just another show ive watched, time to move on to the next, because a big part of the reason i started house and kept going and even chose to watch it at the times i did was because i have been going through some rough shit mentally for the past. entire year plus. i have relied on it to keep me distracted. i want to just move onto the next distraction but i have become so attached, it's hard to not feel :/ and :( about 1) the fact it's over now 2) it ended in a way that makes me feel funny, and not in a good way. aaaahhhhh.

[quodekash]

im making dangerous romance my entire personality so im sorry to all my non-bl mutuals for the spamming of your dash every Friday night/saturday morning but its gotta happen

this is how I pose for photos

A KISS???

PLS LET IT BE A KISS

EEEEEEEEEEEEE

IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS FOR AGESSSSSS

but also kang's gonna cry in this scene. we've seen it in the end credits, sailom wearing kang's jersey and hugging kang and grinning while kang is full on sobbing and I still can't guess why kang would be sobbing while sailom's grinning and comforting him

thats adorable

I literally love them so much

OH

OH HONEYYY

HE'S TEARING UP

I GET IT NOW

IT'S OKAY KANG HONEY, YOU'RE ALLOWED TO CRY

I actually really love this

like a lot

generally crying is associated with sad things and characters in shows, particularly if they're men, usually only portray crying as sad, but its actually perfectly normal to cry for literally any emotion at all, and its so refreshing to see him tearing up so much that he needs to wipe it away with his hand, but not because something bad happened, because he's so proud of himself and of how far hes come and it just makes him cry, nothing more complicated than that.

you see, im pretty sure my emotions are stored in my eyes, and I think I generally feel overwhelming amounts of emotions more often than the average person, so at least once a day, those emotions come spilling out because there's just too much of it to keep in my eyes at once

im honestly genuinely surprised I still have tears left

wait how are tears made

where do they come from

how do they not run out

google is not answering my question properly and im too tired and stupid to process whole-ass articles and research thingies so can Someone Who Knows Things please get back to me on this? like how do our eyes just keep producing tears over and over again without running out of stock

so. he couldnt find his watch. he found out one of his employees stole it. he fired that employee. he's now grumpy because he has to water plants himself now. another employee offered to do the plant watering for him. in exchange, he's giving the employee the very same watch.

do you see what im tryna say here? and what everyone else also probably noticed? it just doesnt make sense

the math aint mathin

is it... leverage against saifah?

because he told him to water the plants every day from now on

idk man im too tired for this to figure out what's going on

he's ridiculous, I love him

like I said at the start of the episode sailom, you're boyfriends now, there's no WAY he's letting you keep your personal space

AAA

HJSHDJHDJGH

oh. so it's... not them running away? it's just them heading to a training camp?

wait but in that shot in the intro they dont have much with them. surely thats not them going to a training camp, that's gotta be them running away????

...

here it comes. here comes the angst. a lot later in the episode than I was expecting, but it's here nonetheless and im not happy about it

go shove a cactus up your ass you bastard

OHOHOHOH I THINK THEY ARE ABOUT TO RUN AWAY

BECAUSE WHAT KANGSAILOM ARE CURRENTLY WEARING IS WHAT THEYRE WEARING IN THAT SHOT IN THE INTRO

AND THEY JUST RODE THE BIKE TO SCHOOL

AND THEY JUST TALKED ABOUT GOING TO KORAT

SO I THINK THEY'RE LITERALLY RIGHT ABOUT TO LEAVE AND HAUL THEIR ASSES OUT OF THERE

like right at the end of the episode probably

perth tanapon sukumpantanasan is a wonder

PARALLELS TO EPISODE 1 WHERE KANG WAS TELLING SAILOM TO PROSTATE HIMSELF ON HIS KNEES

ASSHOLE

BASTARD

PRICK

BULLY

BITCH

THERE ARE NOT WORDS ENOUGH TO EXPRESS THE NAMES I WANT TO CALL HIM

IM AGGRESSIVELY FLIPPING OFF MY SCREEN RIGHT NOW HE'S TERRIBLE AND DISGUSTING AND HORRIBLE AND I KNEW HE WAS BAD AND I KNEW HE WOULD BE THIS BAD BUT HOLY FRICK THIS IS DISGUSTING I can't wait for this man to be shot

excellent closing words

turn your back and walk away from this mess (and come back to a crime scene where your father has been shot and your boyfriend's brother is being arrested in front of the house but we'll get to that when it comes to it)

I get what he's feeling and what he means but kang, you still have your friends, you still have your boyfriend, your grandma, you're not completely alone

thank you sailom for pointing out to him that he's not alone, you're doing me a huge favour (especially considering im a viewer through a screen and not someone who can actually interact with kang so anything I say is kind of pointless)

hugs :(

OKAY SO THE THING IS RIGHT

this is really sad and horrible and all that stuff

but, but but but but, he's cried three times in one episode. and one of those times wasn't crying from sadness. that doesnt happen often and I think we should acknowledge that

I love kang for being an emotional mess, he's like me frfr

side note: all of sailom's hugs look so comfortable

YESSSSS THEYRE FINALLY GONNA KISS NEXT EPISODE

and like I know they've technically already kissed twice but I mean they're finally gonna kiss good if that makes sense

the first time was revenge, and im sorry kang but the second time was just bad. that was a bad kiss.

WHICH, BY THE WAY, IS FINE

its okay to have a bad first kiss

in fact, there should be MORE bad first kisses in relationships in fictional media

also: loved the gay motorbike commercial in the post-credits scene thingy

ANYWAY this episode was amazing and it was so fluffy and I loved it all so so so much and I'll definitely be rewatching it every day over the next week to keep the brainworms under control, like im slapping flex seal over a crack in my soul repeatedly every day until the next episode comes out

goodnight folks, its nearly 3am, have a wonderful evening/day/morning/whatever, and keep calm and sailom

[ghostlude]

hi i’m writing about morgan and boothill again anyway ummmmm just a really short thing that happens directly after the reunion i drew a couple months ago, they are so sad and stupid

“So does becoming a Galaxy Ranger come with the outfit, or do you just like showin’ off?”

Morgan’s poor attempt at conversation earns him a light scoff from Boothill, barely heard over the hustle and bustle of Penacony, but loud enough just for him to hear. Always.

“It’s been years and the first thing you do is tease me? You haven’t changed one bit,” Boothill reminisces, leaning against the railing of a pathway hidden away from the city. His hat threatens to teeter off his head, but it doesn’t— probably the magic of the Dreamscape at work. Morgan steals a glance at Boothill, at the cold metal of his new body.

He changed a lot— so much. It almost makes a pit sink in his stomach.

Boothill catches Morgan staring and their eyes lock for just a second before the latter turns his head away, as if the city were much more interesting. He scoffs again, a laugh, and it’s like hearing the wind carry a song to Morgan’s ears.

“Yeah— ‘sides bulking up, you’re still the same.”

Morgan doesn’t say anything, but he looks back at Boothill once more. It feels too much like a dream, seeing that sympathetic look he always gave him when they were kids. Maybe this was just a trick in the Dreamscape? Maybe Morgan still isn’t awake?

Doubt clouds his eyes, and the cowboy sees it— but neither of them say anything about it.

“I’m sorry,” Morgan speaks up finally, “for chasing you around— and for not saying anything to you til now.”

It’s quiet again. Boothill huffs through his nose and crosses his arms, joints whirring and metal casing gently clinking against each other. Morgan opens his mouth to apologize again before Boothill beats him to it, knowing him too well already.

“Look— I ain’t mad at you, and I forkin’ oughtta be, but…” he trails off, and for a split second Morgan sees Boothill struggle to speak his mind, “… I’m just glad to see you’re safe.”

——

and THATS LITERALLY ITTTTTTTTT idk ive been so shitty with my writing lately, i can never finish anything but i want so desperately to put all of my ideas down

[xyfanficarchive]

So, uh, weird question i know...how do i cope with seeing the most jaw-breaking gorgeous mouthwashing tulpar crew artwork only to the artist to not include jimmy, because the artist cannot handle his character.

Like i get them, and it's fine some people can feel uncomfortable,about Jimmy but it still just honestly hurts so badly, i feel so utterly sad, like i am doing fine then Boom i just see how the artist have drawn Anya Daisuke, Curly and Swansea so alive, so vividly... And.. the pain kicks in... Like i know there is ppl who draw jimmy... But i can't move on.. like..it just devastates me and sometimes the artist whom doesn't draw Jimmy gets thousands of likes and engagement in sites like Twitter/X or here Tumblr... i dunno if you ever saw it....

Anyways do you have any advice... i mean it's okay if you don't i mean don't want to pressuring you into answering this question... So it's okay if you don't...

Also i love your blog and have a good day! !

Again sorry for this gross, embrassing question...

dont worry my guy lord knows ive been so completely abnormal about characters before… and i really do get your pain about not seeing jimmy included, and while it doesnt hurt to the same extent its still pretty disappointing for me. and i usually end up like, just not interacting with those works or creators much at all really. idk ive latched on to jimmy and he’s my fave so my blog is quite jimmy centric anyways.

another thing i hate is including jimmy but drawing him with roach antennae idk it wont make me ignore it but it does miff me. i would prefer the shadowed face with one eye to the roach antennae…

my advice really, is to try and make peace as best as you can with the fact that even the most talented artists out there have free reign to not draw him if they don’t want to. people aren’t gonna like him (and honestly, not without reason). and tbh, the artists that go as far as leaving him out probably wouldn’t draw him with like, the respect he deserves for his central role in the story as the protagonist. like picture a zero effort sketch of jimmy comedically placed next to the beautifully rendered other crew members. or making him excessively ugly when he’s meant to be average. and giving him like, flies and green stink lines….

and then, find vibrant art of jimmy and cherish it! like off the top of my head i can think of that pink pony express fanart with jimmy being highly embarrassed in short shorts and a cropped western shirt, and that one new year’s post where everyone was colour coded and drawn in really dynamic dancing poses, i loved looking at jimmy in that one

basically, focus on your love for jimmy and not everyone else’s hatred for him! its hard being a villain Lover out here, this life isnt for everyone 😔 but we stick together okayyy lets hold hands and love jimmy without shame, without looking back, we don’t need any of those artists anyways!!! 🫶🤝💪

[starz4valen]

queers im fucking lost come save me

ok but in all seriousness,

despite labeling myself as aroace for a hot minute and finding comfort in that label and the community for a time—shit doesnt feel quite right anymore.

i have had ONE EX. one.

i genuinely think i was in love with him. i only felt what i felt with him,,,WITH HIM. nobody else. I felt the butterflies/giddiness, i loved his laugh, his smile, hearing him, his jokes, all the names he would call me, how much he said he loved me, our late night discord calls, having him around, just. him. when he rarely spoke abt shit that was bothering him it hurt me so bad, like i would hurt with him. and the mere THOUGHT of ME hurting him made me wanna sob.

as you can probably guess by the fact we’re exes, we’re not together anymore. it hurts. hell, my stomach tangled a bit as i typed that out. (could be cause recently someone who used to be a friend went and dated him and then got upset at me for getting upset at them but this ain't abt them.)

we broke up in like june last year, and i felt so fucking horrible about it bc it basically ended w him yelling at me over text at how horrible i am at listening and how i treated him more like a therapist—which i will admit i did. i sucked for that. it makes sense why tho, i was working through a lot of shit at the time, doesn’t justify it at all though. i should’ve treated him better. im desperately trying to fix it in my current relationships so that never happens again.

then again, he also treated me badly. he said things that really fucked with my sense of trust in people and just made me scared to get close with anyone like that ever again, or in general bc i was convinced everyone had some ulterior motive w me or secretly didnt give a shit abt me—but also i felt *I* was the problem. like every relationship im in is gonna end horribly bc im just that bad. its taken a lot to say that i feel loved by and trust my current friends, as well as trying to recognize that I deserve love, and im glad i can say that im getting better ^^

but,,,idk anymore

i concluded i was aroace almost a year after we broke up. there were a couple reasons. for one, i only really got that close w him. i dont really know if ive had a crush or what that feels like—in fact i think i faked one in elementary, the whole reason i got w my ex was bc he was flirting w me and it made me feel nice. (also bc i was worried he would be my only shot at love but i digress) i feel off when people talk about heading to poundtown or anything like that, the same with crushes—just crushes tho relationships i totally get—and i still struggle to wrap my head around attraction and how people just can look at someone without even knowing them at ALL and go “you. i want you.”

i wrote off how i felt when i was with him as simply some non-romantic form of attraction and called it a day.

but recently ive been reflecting on that, and i think i was wrong. the way that even now i get all these emotions by merely talking abt my ex says something. how upset seeing that "friend" going ahead and dating him after barely knowing him and just how angry i was says something. the way i cried seeing my best friend get a whole small crate of presents from their partner for their bday bc i was THAT JEALOUS says something. the way i yearn for affection and to be loved again says something. the way im starting to miss being in love again says something. the way i would always want some sort of relationship—even when i identified as aroace—but just never thought it would happen bc i didn't feel pretty enough, or mentally well enough, deserving of one, or like id ever be lucky enough to find someone who makes me feel that way again and how scared and sad that makes me,,,says something.

now in terms of poundtown—legit dunno. closest to that I've done w anyone was neck kisses from my ex, which i did really enjoy—but also i legit identified as ace like the whole time we were together and the few times he made jokes like that i felt uncomfy. plus the only way i feel i could be ok w going further w something like that is if its either excessively gentle or the most unserious thing ever. so tbh if i had to take a guess on how i feel abt that—not too keen on it.

I'm debating a couple labels, bi, aroace, bi and ace, demirose, and demirose and bi, but tbh i feel bi kinda fits the most? (maybe???) but also it doesn't. idk if its the fear of opening my mind to me being in a relationship despite my fear of intimacy and commitment or just that I'm aroace and this is my brain telling me to stop overthinking shit—but i know i wanna figure this shit out

if anyone has like legit any words of advice PLEASE send it my way. i will take even the tiniest crumb of guidance cause i am more lost than a child in ikea.

thanks to anyone who read all this <3

[jemmo]

ive finally become coherent enough to put together my thoughts on the our dining table ep bc yes i have been crying since thursday, but i don’t think i’ll ever be able to put into words how much i adore how they did this episode.

bc the thing is i like yutaka, of course i do. but there has been something since the first ep that has felt… idk, not off about him, imperfect maybe?? he has all this past with his family and loss and his new family that has developed into this trauma around food but also manifests into just him as a person, like he’s half naturally shy and awkward but that’s also bc of his experiences, which together makes how he acts and behaves and who he is totally ok, fine, understandable and such. but i get this a lot which perpetually shy, timid, removed characters, where I ache so much for them to step out their comfort zone, be brave, have confidence bc i not just want happiness for them but I know it’s there right in front of them for them to grab, and it gets to a point where I almost circle round to getting annoyed with them, like there’s only so much that shyness can hold you back before i as a viewer lose patience or become frustrated, which is both rich coming from me, a perceptually shy to a fault person, but is probably also me manifesting frustration at myself. all that is to say i saw yutaka slowly finding happiness with minoru and i was so happy for him, only for him to then be so unable to do anything when minoru kissed him. he saw his happiness disappearing and it hurt him and yet he just did nothing despite feeling a lot and it was sad and understandable but also kind of frustrating for me personally. i wanted to shake him by the shoulders and say “minoru is the biggest source of joy in your life so go and have it”.

but then this ep happens and you get that moment with his family, these people built up to be these people he felt uncomfortable around and unloved by, and instead you get this brother who, after some initial meaness that sprouted from jealousy, which is very understandable for any child getting a sibling, just wanted a brother, who loved him despite not getting anything back, who cared for him and tried to include him. and then the parents walk in and they’re not these cold, upper class people you imagine, they’re just smiley and cheery and happy to see a son who keeps ignoring them and not coming to see them. they don’t even broach that with any anger, they’re just happy to finally see him. and then it starts to click that when yutaka tells that story about his family, he’s the one that starts to eat alone. yes, he felt a certain way, and in no way am I annoyed or angry at him for that, but he also just removed himself in the face of it, based on something he felt, not knowing whether it was intended or not. and in his life it manifests into this bigger thing when it started as what is basically a misunderstanding, where both sides are at fault for not trying to interact and fix that break in the family. and it’s great bc you only see it, that thing I’ve been feeling under the surface, when yutaka does too. the love was always there, i just hid from it. i ran away, i isolated, i avoided. i did that. and he realises that while yes he can now start to mend the relationship with his family, he ultimately missed out on that love at that time. and now, everything he’s built up in his head bc of that is gonna be the reason he misses out on love and joy again, this time with minoru, instead now he can do something about it, and so he does.

he touches that scarf, that symbol of love that has always been surrounding him, and he runs. he fucking runs and it’s glorious.

and i could pick apart everything about that conversation on the swings, but the moment he said “i want to face it directly. you said you like me.” my god I wanted to give him a standing ovation, i wanted to rugby tackle him with pride and affection bc finally, FINALLY he is not hiding. he is facing it directly, and he says at much. and then he says it for what it is, that minoru confessed and that’s something that happened and isn’t something he wants to avoid or run away from or pretend didn’t happen. he’s not going to return to normal. he’s not going to sit by and just let life pass him by and make the decisions for him, he is finally taking control of his own happiness, bc finally he can overcome his fear that there isn’t any happiness out there for him. he knows it, he’s experienced it, this is his place, he knows it, and he’s not going to lose it. he’s not going to cower, he’s going to trust himself and believe that he is deserving of love, and also trust that the people in his life do actually love him back. he is not leaving space for miscommunication and misunderstanding like he did before, he is going for it, and all that frustration finally disappears bc not only is yutaka going for the things that make him happy, but he is also holding himself responsible and accountable, both for how he misjudged his family, but also for the things happening in his life right now. he’s letting his own decisions be the driving force in his life, and in that way letting himself be accountable for whatever happens as a result. all this time stuff happened ‘to’ him and he never saw his role in it beyond being unliked or awkward or unimportant bc he never believed had one. he didn’t see that he removed himself from his family, bc he thought his family ignored him in the first place, bc he thought he was just doing what they wanted but couldn’t say, that they didn’t want him. realising that he had some of the agency there and is partly accountable for it is such a good turning point for his character bc it perfectly opens up this path to him taking control of his life and using that control to go after joy. it’s realising i am my worst enemy bc i made everyone else into my enemy, and I have the ability to undo that.

yutaka is not just simply this nice, kind, sweet, timid man that had an unloving family at no fault of his own, instead there is so much more nuance. he is not blameless or faultless and it makes him such a more compelling character bc realising that helps him grow. he has to stop seeing the flaws that aren’t there and instead the ones there are, that’s how he can grow, and that’s how he can go about finding happiness.

i don’t know how else to say it. the show is just genius.

[acourtofwillowsandleaves]

WIP

This is literally the first fanfic I have ever written. Please don't judge me because I am ✨sensitive✨. Be kind, this is just for fun and like kind of as a way for me to vent my feelings. Big trigger warning for suicide and like mental health stuff...anyways. Here is the first "chapter" I guess. Idk where I'll be going with it but yeah 💁‍♀️

The Tortured Souls Department

Feyre:

“The patients are killing me today…” I huff as I sit down at the nurses station. 

“Room 12 again?” Asks Clare.

“Mhmm.” I roll my eyes, resting my chin in my hand. It had been a year since I had started working here at Prythian General Hospital, specifically the psychiatric ward. I tell myself everyday like a mantra “I love my job…I love my job…you’re so lucky.” It is true, I do love my job, but some days can be difficult. Like today.

“FUUUCK!” Screams said patient in room 12. Here we go again.

“I got it, you take your break,” says Clare as she pats me on my shoulder. Clare to my rescue as always. I flash her an apologetic smile as I get up from my seat and make my way to the break room. 

I make my way into the restroom. I take a deep breath as I splash some water on my face. Looking in the mirror, I look worn out. My brown hair askew - escaping from the low bun at the base of my head. My gray eyes - tired from the long shift. My full lips - chapped from running around like a chicken with my head cut off with no water breaks going on seven hours into my shift. The inner mantra starts again.

As I sit down finally to take my first sip of water all day, my work phone rings.

“Hello?” 

“Feyre, you’re getting an admission. When you come back from your lunch come see me.” Says our dutiful unit secretary.

Another poor soul that needs our help.

I gratefully scarf down my lunch, savoring the short thirty minutes that I have all to myself. I think about what my new admission will be like. Will they be sad, lonely, and depressed? Will they be bouncing off the walls with mania? Talking to the demons in their own mind, plagued with schizophrenia? The possibilities are endless, these are the kind of people I love to help. Unfortunately for them, they are stuck here. This beige and white purgatory. When I am alone I often think about what it would be like if the roles were reversed. What if I was in their place? I shudder at the thought. I see patients that look like zombies. Endlessly wandering with this blank look in their eyes. It’s the cost helping them sometimes. They turn into a zombie.

I walk slowly to our unit office where the clerk is. Up the stairs since the elevator has been broken for months. The building where I work at is part of the old section of the hospital. Meaning it hasn’t been renovated probably since the 1980s. 

“Hey, Az. What’s up?” Azriel is our unit secretary. He answers the phones and keeps an eye on the surveillance cameras.

“Can you give the ER a call when you get a chance? You’re getting this guy, Rhysand. He’s a druggie or whatever.” Azriel waves his hand dismissively at me, urging me to call for report. 

I haven’t had a chance to look in his chart yet, but I am eager to get started on my new admit. The sooner I get it done, the sooner it will be over. I sit down at the desk, pen and paper in hand and dial the extension to the ER.

——————

Rhys:

Black. That’s all there was. All there is. I am no where. But - there’s a light. It starts out tiny, then it keeps growing. And growing. And suddenly I am back. 

I reach back for the darkness but it’s too late. 

I’m being shaken. Quite forcefully. 

It didn’t work. Dammit.

“Let’s get an IV in him, an eighteen gauge please. Normal saline, run it wide open. We need to get his pressure up.” 

I crack my eyes open to see. I’m in the hospital. No. No. No. I need to leave. Need to get out. Need to run. 

“You’re not going anywhere buddy, lay back down.” Suddenly I feel weak and everything goes dark again.

“Oh shit…”

——————

“Rhysand….Rhysand. Rhys.” A familiar voice. I’m not dead, I think. I open my eyes and see my cousin, Mor, sitting inches from my face. There’s tears streaming from her chocolate brown eyes. 

“I’m sorry…” I try to speak but my voice only comes out as a whisper. 

She smacks me on the shoulder, “Don’t you ever do that again! Do you hear me?! I can’t take it anymore, Rhys! You need help.”

I look away, I’m ashamed. It all started when I was coerced into a relationship with a woman. Amarantha. It started out as a joke, us fake-dating. It was a prank for our friends at school. But then she took advantage of me. Blackmailed me and forced me to do things with her. I hated it. Hated her. That went on for about a year. I couldn’t escape. She would force me to go to parties with her. It eventually led to me trying pills for the first time. I loved how I felt. It numbed the pain. Now she’s in prison, but I still have the pills. I can’t stop. I was tired of the nightmares. I wanted it all to end.

“You can’t make me…” 

“Yes I can.” She says, defiantly. 

I sigh, she always gets her way. We’re both orphans essentially. Her family betrayed her, kicked her out at sixteen. My parents are dead. We only have each other. I guess I was selfish for wanting to die. It would have left her all alone in this world. 

“I’ll be right back, I’m gonna go talk to the nurse.” She leaves her place by my bedside and exits the room. 

They can’t keep me. I have to get out of here. 

I rip out the IV attached to my arm, it stings a little but I’ve been through worse. My clothes are neatly folded on a chair across from my bed. I slowly creep my way out of bed and put my clothes on. “Ok, be cool, be cool.” I open the flimsy curtain and tiptoe my way out of my hospital room. 

“He’s trying to leave! Someone get that man back to his room!” Someone yells from down the hall. 

Shit. I break out into a sprint but I have no idea where the exit is.

The next thing I know, I am being tackled to the floor. A large, muscular security guard pins my hands behind my back.

“Hey!” I yelp. I am dragged back to my room, kicking and flailing the entire way. They can’t do this, they’re holding me hostage! For trying to kill myself? Is that suddenly a crime? I swing my arm in a random direction, it makes contact with something pointy and I hear a crack. 

“Get him in restraints. Ativan, benadryl, and, haldol going in.” I feel a sharp prick on my upper arm. I hiss in pain. My arms and legs are being held down and suddenly I am being cuffed to the bed. 

“You mother…fucker….” My mouth feels like it’s full of cotton and my eyelids feel like they’re being pushed closed by some invisible force. 

I am plunged into darkness again. It feels like a warm embrace.

——————

Feyre:

I sit down at my computer in the cramped intake room. I run through my mental checklist: toiletries - check. Scrubs - check. Vital signs machine - check. Admission handouts - check. Consent forms - check. I have everything that I need. “Let’s hope this guy doesn’t beat me up,” I think to myself, crossing my fingers. My coworker, Amren, is assisting me today. She looks down at her phone, bored. A knock sounds on the door to our little room. 

“Come in” I order.

It’s Cassian. My favorite security guard. His hair arranged neatly in a bun on top of his head. My eyes scan toward his face. There’s a bandage on his nose. I grimace at him. No time to make a sarcastic and witty comment to him as he wheels in my new patient. “Hey Feyre, this is Rhysand. Need me to stick around?”

“No thank you…” I drift off. Sitting in front of me is the most beautiful man I have ever seen.

It’s devastating how beautiful he is compared to the ugly situation he is in. 

“Hi, you can call me Rhys.” He smiles, weakly.

I smile back at him, pulling on the purple nitrile gloves. “Feyre,” I say to him. I clear my throat and look away from his gorgeous violet eyes. “I’ll be your nurse today. And this is Amren.” I gesture to Amren. 

“‘Sup.” She waves at him.

I get started on my intake with him. This poor soul. Too beautiful to be in a situation like this.

Stop it, I think to myself. He’s just like everyone else you admit into this place, get a grip on yourself. He signs all of the consent forms and answers my questions with tears in his eyes. He tried to kill himself. I’ve become so desensitized to the trauma of others, I nod and jot down what he tells me. 

“But you probably don’t care…right?” He looks at me so intensely I feel like there’s a spotlight on me. 

“Of course I care. I know we just met and you’re a total stranger to me. But I’m glad that you’re here to get help. I know you may not think it right now, but the world, your friends, and your family need you” I tell him, I reach out and squeeze his hand.

Something snaps in him. “I didn’t ask to be here.” He is glaring at me, his eyes burning a hole in me, shooting daggers. 

“I know, and I’m sorry it had to go this way.” I apologize to him. It is a genuine apology. I’m sorry that he went through what he did. I want to kill whoever drove him to this point. 

“You’re just saying that to make me feel better,” he smirks. 

Well he’s right. I don’t trust the way he is glaring at me so I move on to the next part in our admission assessment. I want to get this over as fast as possible. “Ok Amren, let’s do the skin check and we’ll be done.” I look back over him apologetically. “This next part may be a little embarrassing, but I need you take off your clothes.”

His face turns bright red. “Oh so now you want to see me naked?”

“Yes.” Amen deadpans. 

“Fine.” He strips off his shirt and pants. He looks like a carved statue. The kind that you see in a museum from the renaissance period. Michaelangelo’s David standing before me. If David had tattoos from head to toe that is. He does a little spin. Scars littering his back, Amren making note of them for our assessment. I pull the small curtain out from the corner of the room. 

“Underwear too, Rhys. You can go behind this curtain if you’d like.” I tell him, trying to keep the tone lighthearted. I know I would be embarrassed if I was told to strip naked in front of two strangers of the opposite sex. I try to be as sensitive as I can when it comes to these situations.

“No need.” He shakes his head and drops his black underwear to the floor.

I quickly glance at his legs and backside, telling Amren I don’t see anything of note besides the tattoos. “OK. We’re done. You can pull those back on.” 

I put a pair of the light blue patient scrubs in his hands for him to change into. “You can put these on.” My hand brushes his for a split second and I quickly remove my hand from his vicinity like I had been burned. 

“I can’t wear my own clothes?” He asks.

“There’s vomit on your shirt,” Amen with that deadpan tone again, “Plus there’s strings in your pants. We don’t do strings here.” 

“You’ll get them back before you leave, along with your cell phone and wallet.” I reassure him. He looks like a dear in the headlights - all of that cockiness leaving his face. I see genuine fear flash across his expression. “We have to go now, I’ll show you around…”

“I can’t do this…I’m scared.” He doesn’t want to be here of course. An image flashes across my mind, a memory. Like when I was five years old clinging to my mother as she dropped me off for my first day of kindergarten. 

I offer my hand to him, as if he is the child that doesn’t want to fly the nest and I am the mother.   He clings to my hand as if it’s a lifeline as I lead him out the door and onto the ward. 

Author's Note:

Did you like it??? I don't know how to feel about it. Anyways if you or someone you know is struggling the suicide hotline is 988