#this is my very first internet friend btw. we are still in touch

[rosecrawley]

when the conversation starts like this, you know it’s gonna be good

[skyrislunaflower]

I Love Us

Honestly, I'm so, so very glad AvA is the first fandom I've actually been an active participant in.

LONG RANT INCOMING

Throughout the years, I have "been in fandoms", but I never felt like posting my own art or works, commenting on vids (i didn't have a youtube account back then, still don't), or being anything other than a silent observer.

Back in March, when I came home from that math competition, and found AvMath in my recommendeds, and just clicked on it, I did not expect to get dragged into a fandom about stick figures, of all things. I remember watching AvPhysics directly after, then finding "Wanted", and watching it with no context. I remember going to the wiki, seeing all of the content that was made, and and binging AvM and the actual shorts and literally everything else.

And most of all, I remember thinking, "I wish I could just erase all of this from my mind and experience the magic all over again."

-

In May, I took a chance and went to Ao3. I knew it was a site to post fanfiction, but it had never been something I was interested in. But I was just curious, to see if fanfiction about this amazing fandom really existed. I didn't have an account, no; I think I just wanted to see.

There were about 1600-1700 fics on there about AvA, during that time. I didn't know how hits worked or kudos worked, but I just remember scrolling down until I could find something that looked like a lot of people had liked it.

And even then, I clearly remember the first fic I touched. "Identity", by LeenaFreeBird (I'll link it at the bottom). I absolutely loved it. I spent the rest of the month simply reading, and consuming all of the cool hcs, learning what fan terms meant, having an idea for my own fic that I thought, back then, I could never write.

Because I didn't.

I never made an account or wrote. I never left comments because part of me though people without an account wouldn't be able to, and that was just habit, at this point.

And even though I stepped slightly away from there in the months of June and July (we were in the process of moving halfway across the country, I had just watched the new Demon Slayer season, and upon recommendation had binged all of Haikyuu in a week), I always made sure to keep updated on whatever new AvA/M videos had been posted.

In August, I went back on Ao3.

SO MANY AMAZING FICS HAD BEEN WRITTEN IN THE SPAN I WAS AWAY.

I remember binging all of them for the month. I sat alone at lunch (as I was new I didn't have any friends), just reading them on my phone and getting sucked back into there.

In September AvI began. On a whim I logged back into my tumblr account that I had made like 5 years ago in 4th grade to post random rambling stuff about my life (I tagged nothing but my username wth), and redid my entire blog. I was sooo happy when one of my posts reached 100 notes.

I felt way stronger, and way braver. I joined the invite queue for Ao3, because I decided I DID want an account, and I DID want to post my own fics.

And everyone was (and is) SO NICE about it. They love my fics and posts (which I still consider really crappy, btw) to pieces, and always give me good comments. Even my bad fanart (another thing I got the courage to post during this time). Shipping wars never happen here (if they did, I wouldn't know about it). Rarepairs are appreciated, and we unanimously know the ships that should be completely illegal (not naming ship names here).

Everything and everyone is loved, and this is like the one little corner of the Internet where mostly all is safe and your opinion is valued. Sure, your fan theory may be wrong, but people here don't go and tell you "that's so stupid lol, no way that's true". They'll give you actual feedback, explain the evidence that falsifies it, or add to it because they like it.

Even on YouTube, if someone posts a yellue ship video, for example, they'll get hate, or "the color quad are just siblings lol", or "they r stickmen why are u shipping them". If someone HCs Blue as a girl (ik that's been debunked where we are at rn), they'll get a comment saying "it's stickman for a reason".

Like, let people have their opinions. Alan has never confirmed the color quad as siblings, or their origin story. I know he has said that he would like to avoid romance by not making female characters, but it's not like the people who ship yellue or grapeduo barge up to his door and demand he makes it canon. They're just peaceful, and everything that you're saying is fanon. For all we know, four different animators could have collabed on the sticksfight website and each animated a different character (not saying that's true, but we don't know).

And even with hollowhead pairs. Alan created them, yes, but how does Creator transfer to father in this scenario? We don't know, because he hasn't confirmed the hollowheads as siblings either. They still get hate on YouTube.

But Tumblr just loves everyone. The AvA community, for example, will always make you feel like you posted something good. They lift you up, not put you down. They appreciate your headcanons because it provides a new way of looking at things.

They appreciate you.

I feel so much better about putting myself out there, and I know I will do so more in the future. I now cannot comprehend how someone can see all of this content and think "they are just stick figures". No they aren't. They are stick figures with trauma, feelings, pain, heroic qualities, fatal flaws.

You, tumblr, makes me feel this way.

Thank you so much.

(I did not expect to rant about my entire journey when I was supposed to be talking about how amazing the AvA tumblr fandom is, but now that I have I'll just keep it. Here's the fic I was talking about)

[squarebracketsmileyface]

I literally am obsessed with everything about them. Do not worry about getting distracted and such and ranting about these beautiful characters.

Also it would not be polyhornets because Alex is not involved, it would be Bram!

I LOVE THIS LITTLE FAMILY!! I LOVE THE ADDITION OF JESSE!!!! I LOVE THEMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!! Those are wonderful names btw!!!! I'm tempted to give you the names of what my (Previously mentioned friend now partner lmao) named the Jam twins we made cause there is a similar naming scheme there. But also, the twins are on the internet somewhere and if you found out who I am I think I would have to hide away forever.... But still... It tempts me......... Maybe one day!

~💜

Ah thank you, Bram. I'm really bad at figuring out the ship names for these guys lol. I expect them to get longer the more people are included, and then its four letters and I'm like... huh.

Anyway, I am also obsessed. I fucking love these characters so much, thinking about the kinda post MH story for them is so special to me. I'm SO glad you like the names. I love them. I think they're so cute. And now I'm really curious what names you guys game the twins, like how similar are the names, if the naming convention itself is similar?

You don't have to tell me, obviously, but I do wonder.

I remembered more about the post MH storyline that me and my boyfriend talked about AGES ago (before I'd decided that Tim and Brian would have another kid, and before that kid was named Jesse after Jessica), which was specifically about the 'canon' way that this story goes (not the 'everyone lives' AU). Because it ended up being that like, Tim did end up getting back in touch with Jessica because she and Taylor had a kid who ended up in the same school as Birdie did I think? (small fucking world huh 💀 everyone's turning up at this damn school).

Anyway Jessica was like, picking her kid up from school and she saw Tim while he was waiting in the playground, and just kinda sidled up to him to see if it actually was, and like, sure the conversation was a bit awkward, but it was still nice. (I know Jessica doesn't remember MH in the comics but she does here, just like she has a kid here, and isn't being actively fucked with by the operator and skully lol)

Anyway, then Birdie came out of class and over to Tim, and Jessica had this little moment looking at her where she was like "god this kid looks just like Jay" and she doesn't get a chance to ask Tim about it, because then her own kid is coming out of class and they have to rush off to get to his after school club or whatever, but the next day when she sees Tim again, Jessica just quietly asks if Birdie is both Tim's and Jay's, and Tim gets like, really quiet and just gives her a tight little nod and that's the end of the conversation.

But like, over the next term or two, they slowly talk more and eventually Tim admits that Jay died at the end of MH and that he lied about it to Jessica back then because he thought it was the right thing to do. They become good friends though, and they take their kids to the part together and stuff, so Birdie has a "cousin" in Jessica's kid who she becomes fast friends with, and their little family grows. Because like, yeah they have Brian's family, but they don't get to see them super often.

Side note, Brian having a very big, very lovely family is a huge HC for my boyfriend and I. We have a whole cowboy/wild west au that ended up accidentally revolving around Brian having a huge family who are just, really really accepting of queerness. Like, Jay was a trans guy, Alex was a trans girl, Tim and Brian were gay/bi etc, and the four of them were poly, and brians mum was just like, cool, can one of you PLEASE go wrangle the younger kids for dinner??? It's great. She also makes Alex her first dress, and teaches her 'how to be a woman', like, sewing, cooking, all the stuff a lady in the 1800's wild west would need to know.

I love that woman. She's the best character in that whole AU. She treated Tim like one of her own sons because he and Brian had been friends since they were kids, except Tim was CLEARLY her favourite and she was an absolute menace (affectionately) to Brian, who was the oldest or one of the oldest out of, like, 7 or 8 kids I think.

Best au ever lol.

SPEAKING OF BRIAN ACTUALLY, you wanna know one of the ideas I went through before settling on Brian showing up as a teacher at Birdies school? I'm gonna tell you anyway so please nod.

At first, I was gonna have it so that Tim and Brian only met each other again when they were both in, like, their late fifties to early sixties. Like, Birdie would be all grown up and living with her wife (oh yeah Birdie's a lesbian and ends up with a wife) and one day Tim and Brian just, run into each other, and it takes them both a moment to place where the hell they recognised each other from, but eventually they do, and just like in 'canon' S,IL they both have a big crying reunion about it. And then it was just them being old men falling in love with each other all over again, y'know?

It was SUCH a cute idea. It was so fucking cute. I still love it.

[inloveforevr]

how do i forgive myself for ignoring my friends' texts and reaching out to check on me, when i was very depressed and dealing with multiple crisis? I stayed away and didnt ask for support and then ghost them. I also didnt connect with other people or post on social media where they could see it and get hurt by me ignoring them.

I just laid low and licked my wounds in private. My issues were not things they could help with (like my marriage having huge fights, unemployment , being sick, my mom being hospitalized)

But i dont know if i deserve to be their friend still?

I feel so overwhelmed with guilt that i dont know how to reconnect with them or how to reply.

Especially when i read posts that say "cut out people who disappear on you" or "its time to drop ppl who dont make an effort to meet u halfway " when i read stuff like this i feel stricken with panic and i afraid that my friends will buy into this narrative or be convinced that i deserve to be cut out.

I feel ashamed and lonely.

More info: the last time we were in touch i used to be there for them and listen to them a lot and host them and take them out when i could. So im not a very useless friend (i think). But im just very bad at keeping in touch when im overwhelmed n hurt by my own life.

Please will you or your followers give me some peace? If you were in my friends' shoes, would you forgive someone like me ? Would you be okay with me reappearing after 2 months?

(Btw me and these friends all reside in different cities so these are all long distance friendships based solely on texting).

I feel so guilty i could die

Hey love, sorry to hear you’re going through all of this. And i’m sorry to hear ab all the difficulties you’re facing.

I know some people like to lay low and deal w their issues first before going to others for support. (i do the same thing!) and as a result, distancing yourself from relationships can make sense.

It’s totally understandable to feel guilty and lonely as a result of all of this.

And regarding the internet’s thinking on relationships & cutting people off - it’s so false. I think it makes sense to end a relationship when it’s abusive/unhealthy - that’s real yknow. But it’s such black and white thinking. Don’t listen to the internet. And i certainly don’t think it applies in this scenario.

You clearly value your friendships and i’m sure they value you and care ab you. Honestly? Shoot them a message, explain what’s been going on. Don’t hold back. Arrange a dedicated time to talk if you can.

We all need friends. And yeah you may feel ashamed and guilty but don’t let it prevent you from reaching out. You need a good support system around you and you don’t want to lose your friends, especially in a time when you’re facing difficulty. Support and community is essential. We all need it. We all need love.

Be honest, and tell them how you feel.

If this was my loved one, i would be concerned more than anything. I love all my friends deeply. I’d want to hear from them and ensure they are okay. I wouldn’t hold it against them if they are already going through a tough time. I’d offer them compassion & empathy.

And you’re not a bad friend. Don’t believe that thought. The fact you asked this shows you care.

Please take care of yourself. Ensure you are leaning on your support system. If therapy is available to you, it may also be worth considering. Sometimes you need a safe space to process what is going on. It sounds like you’re going through a lot of stress.

I hope it all goes well ❤️

And if any if my followers have any further advice pls add thank U!

[jodilin65]

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 30, 2013 I’ve ended my friendship with Alison who, BTW, is good buddies with BOTH Kim and Molly after leading me to believe otherwise, and who is probably also still friends with Kathy as well.

Before I get into these phony liars and their twisted web of deceit, now that we got the right tools AND damn good paint (Glidden), we finished painting Tom’s office and it looks great. Yeah, you can still see the “sand” underneath the paint that we’ll never use again, but otherwise, we have a nice, even beautiful pale shade of lavender. We love it! Gonna get new drapes for that room eventually in either plum or ivory.

It really helped to get a roller brush with a longer nap, other brushes, plus a thing that makes pouring the paint easier and less messy. We also got painter’s tape and this little bucket thingy that has a compartment you pour paint in when climbing up to the ceiling to do the edging, plus a smaller compartment for your brush. Once it all came back to Tom, since we haven’t painted since we left Phoenix in 1999, and we had the proper tools, it went very fast. If God hadn’t slammed so many fucking doors in my face by cursing me with this type of sleep disorder, I can see myself enjoying painting people’s homes. It’s a lot like coloring, only you have a very big coloring book. I’m pretty good at it, though I had a hard time keeping the roller steady at first. I think it’s most important not to settle for cheap paint. Cheap paint without primer requires more than one coat and doesn’t go on evenly. If we do any touch-ups later on, say if we scuff the wall with something, it won’t look streaky or uneven. That’s another cool thing he got was this little tube you pour paint in with a mini roller brush on the end that sort of resembles the wheel of an office chair. This is for touching up later on. We’ll eventually have one in each color we use.

I slept until noon and went out running. I jogged the way down and mostly walked the way back. Hopefully, my hips and thighs won’t be sore. It’s gotta be what’s keeping my weight from climbing even more cuz I haven’t been dieting worth shit lately. I never should’ve sat on my ass and got so lazy with the physical activity like I did the year before moving since I keep everything I gain. At this age, what comes on simply doesn’t come back off, so if I don’t want to go from 30 pounds overweight to 50 or more, I gotta keep running. I like the way it makes me feel regardless. I have more energy, stamina and endurance. Still don’t have the range of mobility I used to have, but we do lose our flexibility as we age and gain weight. It is nice to know we still have some control. No, I’ll never be thin again, but I also won’t have a face like Kim’s so bloated that it practically swallows my nose and lips. Yeah, I – uh – uhem – I can be mean, too.

There are a lot of things I could do and say where the chummy little threesome is concerned, but I’d like to take the more mature approach to the situation by simply writing about what happened in my journal just like I would in the pre-internet days, then be done with it and move on. You see, my husband is the only smart one in this household. He has no friends at all. Not because he’s unlikable, and not because anything’s keeping him from going out and making them, but because he simply has no desire to socialize. Hell, I’m not a social butterfly either. At least I never was in person. In cyberspace, though, I’ve really gotten around, finding it fascinating to meet all different kinds of people in different parts of the world. My being multilingual has made this even easier to do. But it’s also caused me unnecessary headaches that I could certainly do without.

Andy said he finds it sad Tom has no friends and this totally baffles me. Why be sad for someone who is happy to be the way he is? If you want to be sad for someone, be sad for some poor miserable soul like Kim who hates herself so damn much that she can’t stand to be herself and therefore must pretend to be others. Be sad for the guy who has a heart of gold but can’t get a girlfriend cuz he’s fat, ugly and bald. Not someone who chooses to be what suits them best and makes them happiest. That’s like a straight person feeling sad for a gay person. I mean, why bother? Because what makes the straight person happy doesn’t make the gay person happy, too? Because it’s not “normal?” Well, others can do what they want and we always try not to judge others for how they choose to live, but we have no desire to stick to the “norms.” If it works for us, why change it, normal or not?

Another reason Tom doesn’t have a network of online friends is that he’s never really been interested in doing things that puts him in the public spotlight. Andy and I are into things where anyone can find and contact us easily enough. Tom doesn’t blog or care for sites like Ask or Twitter. He has some accounts because he may need them to enter contests, but his main online activities include games, TV and the news. No one’s put any chains on him. If he decides to make friends on or offline, he can. Meanwhile, as long as no one’s being harmed, people should have the right to do what they want. Do I feel guilty for looking out for myself by not being too sociable? Absolutely not.

What Andy did say that makes sense is that it’s better to make friends in person cuz online you don’t know what’s going on. He has a point there, but it’s also easier to cut ties with those who don’t live near you. So while I don’t care to “switch” to in-person friends, he is right about that much. Cyberspace is like walking through the woods at night. You never know what’s hiding behind the tree you’re about to pass by.

I haven’t been open to new friends for about a year now, it’s been working great for me, and if someone wants to get all sad about that and not for some poor innocent child dying of cancer or something, fine. I make no apologies for how I am, as always.

Anyway, after what I recently learned, I can kind of understand Andy’s trust issues and his desire to remain alone. Right now I am questioning almost everyone and everything I know, and I too, and wondering what/who I can believe. I’m tempted to drop everyone I never actually met in person, but I can’t see myself doing that to Nane, Adonis, Paul and others. Not unless they give me a reason to. This is getting kinda long, so let me post it, then I’ll finish the rest of the story when I have time. LOL, poor suckers have probably been stewing in nervous anticipation of just what I may write and when.

Later…

Ok, to finish the Aly and trolls saga. Will I post sensitive info? No, I won’t. Will I hold back from telling it like it is? No, I won’t. If they have a problem with that then they should’ve thought about this up front, and they should stop reading my blog, too. But sadly, while I may be done with them, I’m sure they’ll follow my every word and movement for life. I just wonder (and worry) how bad Aly’s going to become. She’s not crazy like Kim and Molly. She’s actually very intelligent. So hopefully, regardless of how hard she may take my discovering her lies and being dumped, she won’t lash out in ways that’ll annoy the shit out of me till she either gets sick of it or gets herself in trouble. I don’t think she will, but then again, I didn’t think Kim would turn on me the way she has either. Time will tell, but I’d like to think she won’t be a problem as far as trying to contact me goes.

I’m not perfect. I’ve made mistakes. But I always try to be a good, honest person and do the right thing, especially when it comes to those who have always been good and honest with me in return. I know that while God may or may not be for real, along with the afterlife, karma is for real. Therefore, I’d rather just end it with someone who’s wronged me rather than seek revenge on them. I’m too busy for that anyway. I hope they’ll do the same in return with me, but if not they’ll be the ones to deal with the consequences in the end more so than I ever will. Aly may be FBI, but I’m psychic. :) Not a threat; just a fact.

Then again, is she? Is she really with the FBI? Is Alison her real name? Does she really live in the state she says she lives in? Is she really the age she says she is?

There is nothing that shakes the very foundation of one’s ability to trust more than finding out you thought you knew someone that you really didn’t know at all. I can tell you she’s smart. I can tell you she’s a good writer. But at this point, I can’t tell anything else.

What is it with people? They lie, they cheat, they can’t accept you as you are, they judge you, they two-face you, they betray you, they try to control and change you, they stab you in the back, they pretend to be who they aren’t, etc. So… if we’re not presently friends, I don’t want to know you, and again, I make no apologies for doing what I feel is best for me. We bomb our homes to keep bugs away without regrets. Well, I’m closing doors to future friends to keep bullshit away… also with no regrets. :) The fewer friends the better. The more friends the more you get caught up in people’s bullshit.

I’m just glad I didn’t give Aly our exact address. The reason for this is because we’ve never been pen pals and I never expected us to be. Therefore, if anyone hacked her email account, my address wouldn’t be included. She could probably find out exactly where we live if she really wanted to, and while I used to worry about others having our address, I realize that’s a silly fear. What could they do with it? Come visit me? Send me a dead rat? Wish some of them would come visit me!

Anyway, to cut to the chase, I cut ties with Kim over a year ago for two facing me. She’d be sweet and kind to my face while dishing all kinds of hate and insults anonymously till I finally caught her at it. She would also lie to others I knew and eventually, I couldn’t tell fact from fiction and so I let her go. When I confronted her on my way out she reacted with a classic guilty reaction by deactivating the account she harassed me from, blocking me on others, and then trying to turn it around and make it look like I was the one bothering her. I thought that like most people, she’d eventually calm down and move on. Instead, she has been stalking and harassing me every chance she gets. She stalks more than she harasses, though, cuz I do my best to make it harder for people to contact me. I suppose I should open as many doors as I can to this crazy bunch, as the more unwanted shit that gets archived, the more they could get in trouble for it, but I’d rather not bother right now. Waste of time.

I guess I’m not going to finish what happened in this post either. Maybe next time!

Later…

Let me sum it up in a nutshell as to why I cut ties with Alison, then I’ll expand from there. She led me to believe that she dumped both Kim and Molly ages ago for harassing her. She told me she gets the “occasional” email from Molly, but that’s it. She even (supposedly) created an account as Kim and with Kim’s pic, which I believed was retaliation for her constant prying eyes, lies, phoniness and harassment.

And then I found it. Numerous accounts of both hers and Kim’s and even one that’s connected to Molly. Yes, Aly, Kim and Molly are ALL damn good buds and it appears they’ve been this way for some time now, especially Aly and Kim. They’re probably still buddies with Kathy too, even though the only one that supposedly is still her friend is Kim.

As I told Aly directly, it isn’t who she’s friends with that’s a problem. She has a right to pick and choose her own friends. It’s the fact that she’s lied to me about it, along with other things. Some things I can’t prove, but I trust what my gut tells me. In fact, I could kick myself for not listening to it sooner. I’ve had my doubts and suspicions on and off where Aly’s concerned, starting when I caught her telling Kim on Twitter that I was only telling Kim I had the cops after her to scare her off. This was supposedly to get Kim’s ass off of hers and to calm her down. By giving me away like that? Oh please! Just fucking please! I was horrified to see that. What a fucking traitor, I thought, but sure enough, she had her perfect little explanation waiting and ready to fire at me and I was dumb enough to fall for it. I guess back then I chose to see the good in Aly and I didn’t want to give that good side up. But now there’s been too many lies that have left me with too many doubts and suspicions. I have to let her go, good side or not.

I also have reason to believe she was behind the Karli M account and she was the one accusing me of harassing Molly and writing like Adonis. Kim wouldn’t be smart enough to do that, but she would be. I always suspected Kim had help in that one. I just never thought it would be from the person that was supposed to be my friend and that I thought I could trust. Kim and Molly may be crazy, but Alison and Kathy aren’t. Kathy’s mean and Alison, apparently, is a liar. Why the hell would someone tell you they think of calling someone’s local PD all the while being friends with them??? She hates her, she loves her, she likes her… I can’t figure her out anymore. I just can’t.

I also realize that she could’ve very well been involved in some of the harassment I’ve received on Ask as well as harmless questions she was, for some reason, afraid to let me know were from her. Maybe she’s the one who asked why I think racism is overrated. The point is that if she can two-face Kim by being buddies with her on Twitter while making fun of her in an account in her name, she can be doing the same thing to me. I don’t give a shit what they do in my name or what they say or write about me as long as they stay away from me, but as I told her, it’s gotten to the point that I can’t tell what’s real anymore. The lies, the excuses, the phoniness… I don’t need the drama. She’s killed the trust I had in her and frankly, I don’t know that I could believe a damn thing she says. Friendship must be based on trust and if there’s no trust, there’s no friendship. At least not for me. I have enough self-respect for myself to pull away from those I’ve caught in lies.

I guess that just like some women are drawn to abusive men, some people are drawn to toxic friends. She chose to tweet multiple times a day, every day to this proven lying, phony, obsessive stalker while ignoring me, someone who’s always been good to her and honest with her, for days on end. That alone tells me what kinds of “friends” she prefers to have.

She said that while she’s made mistakes and feels bad about it, I believe/see the worst in her, but it’s not a matter of what I believe; it’s what I see. It’s what she’s proven to me. I’m not just guessing anymore or suspecting she may be lying and maybe even into worse things than just saying she’s not friends with those she is friends with. Take the constant changing of accounts and email addresses for example. That’s usually a sign of someone trying to cover their tracks, but I was dumb enough to fall for her line of “I’m trying to escape and hide from so and so” or “I lost my PW and don’t remember the email for that account or “I just can’t log in.”

It all began when I went hunting for some of the dozens and dozens of Kim accounts on Twitter to block them. Sure I knew she’d just create new ones, but why make it easier for her? It was when I stumbled upon one of Kim’s Glee fan accounts that I found one she tweeted to and thought, hmm… that seems like a name and avatar Aly would use. When I realized it was indeed her I was a little upset but my first thought was she was only following Kim to see what shit she may be up to without letting her know who she really was. But when I saw that she mentioned her interests, her location, her cat, every single suspicion I’ve had about her, if only for a fleeting moment, went flashing through my mind and I said, “Ok, we’re done. We’re definitely done now.” Then when I found another account of Aly’s that’s connected to both Kim and Molly, I said, “Ok, we’re doubly done. No doubt about it.”

There were tweets about setting up accounts on MO and MM, whatever the fuck that means. Anyone know what MM is? Molly also said something to the effect of pretending to be Jodi. I asked Tom if I could go down for any accounts they created in my name that they either made threats from or did anything illegal from, and he said no. So fine, let them entertain themselves. If anything, Aly made escaping the other trolls easier for me cuz now there’s no connection to them. But she can have the fuckers. If she feels crazy liars are better for her, hey, it’s a woman’s prerogative, right?

Aly told me she was happier spending more time offline and I would often go days without hearing from her. In reality, she’s been scrabbling her little heart out and tweeting away with Kim daily, who she says that when you look beyond her obsessive ways is not that bad. Not that bad? Not that bad?!?! I guess we have a different definition of what’s not that bad, but being sweet and kind to one’s face while anonymously insulting them seems bad enough to me. So is telling lie after lie and impersonating others.

When I messaged Aly about the creation of the Karli account, she amazingly replied to me with perfect timing. You know, after supposedly being offline for days? Of course she denied it was her, and maybe it wasn’t. But I don’t doubt she at least knew about it and was behind leaving Molly comments as Adonis. Like a fool, though, I took her word for it when she denied any involvement.

There are other little things along the way that I thought were weird or that didn’t quite make sense, but that is for my next entry. My, my, I’m on a roll with the writing tonight, aren’t I?

Later…

I don’t wish any harm to Alison and her little friends. Just that she and the demented others leave me alone. What I mean by “leave me alone” is not contact me. I don’t want any messages, tweets, emails, questions, friend requests or comments. If they want to write stories, lies and blogs all about me, fine. Just as long as they stay away from me and let me move on even if they can’t. Kim and Molly especially have proven to feel nothing but contempt for me anyway so why focus on me then?

Despite feeling hurt, angry and betrayed by Alison’s… what would I call it, double life? Double side? Either way, it’s not like I hope she gets run over by a bus or anything like that. The others can stuff an exhaust pipe up their asses and go for the ride of their lives for all I care, but for some reason, I don’t feel that kind of animosity toward Aly. Perhaps because we had a friendship in the midst of the lies. We had something. Molly and I were never friends and Kim and I didn’t have shit either. We couldn’t build the kind of relationship Aly and I had or have the kinds of chats we had cuz they weren’t intelligent enough. Dealing with Kim and Molly was like dealing with children. They couldn’t do things like catch errors in my stories because they wouldn’t know what to look for. Aly notices things others don’t. And while a part of me will miss Aly who I once considered one of my absolute best of cyber friends, I will remember the good times and that’s it. I don’t regret what we had, I’m just sorry she felt she had to deceive me like she did. I really thought she cared about me as much as I cared about her. I loved the hell outa her. Not in that way, of course, but I must’ve felt something. I hung on long after she outed my intentions to Kim and I began to suspect other things she may not have been truthful about.

I’m sure if I let her “explain” this one she’d be quick to tell me something like how she’s investigating Kim or is just doing this to keep her off her ass. Being friends with her didn’t keep her off my ass. There she was all lovey-dovey to my face just to let me know what she really thought of me anonymously. Very mean, crazy, hateful person.

And Molly – ugh! Like an idiot, I gave her one of Kim’s Twitter account links on Ask thinking I was doing her a favor and that they weren’t friends, and asked her not to post it. Sure enough, the dumb shit goes and posts it anyway saying, “Wow, she must be bored.” rolls eyes Fucking idiot. Always has been, always will be.

Back to the “intelligent” troll, though I honestly don’t think Alison qualifies for being labeled as a troll. Just a liar and a traitor. The strangest story Aly ever told me was that someone hacked one of Kim’s Facebook fan pages and used that account to message her sister Carol to tell her just how fucked up Kim is. I immediately thought that was weird. Who the hell else would Kim happen to know that happens to be able to hack accounts like Aly can that would contact the sister? Why not just go directly to the sister from their own account?

It isn’t just the big things like finding she’s friends with the trolls, but the subtle contradictions as well. One time I had her run a trace on an email address for me and she said something about having her own way of looking up either email addies or IPs, but recently she told me she didn’t know much about IPs.

As I reflected on the lies I’ve caught her in and the suspicions I have that I can’t prove but am probably right about, I realized the impact it could have on me later on down the road. People sometimes bide their time to look less obvious, then they strike with a vengeance. Again, I’m not saying Aly will harm me in any way, but if she really is with the FBI, well, that may not be like being God, but that’s probably runner-up to the US Marshals. If she were just a regular pig, that’d be one thing. Local cops are state. But the FBI is federal and the feds have a lot more flexibility, which means a lot more potential for abuse of power. She’s supposedly an analyst and not an actual agent, but close enough. She’s also had hacking training for her former job. Now someone somewhere knew it was me who left some comments on MO. They were so damn sure of it. They “know their way around sites,” they said. Well, the only way to know it was me would be to hack MO and read their visitor log. Would Aly take such risks all for the identity of a commenter? I guess that’s for her to know and me to wonder. Still, has she hacked any of my accounts without me knowing it? Tom says anyone can get a hold of programs that the FBI uses to crack PWs of those they’re investigating. Even he has one. He used it for some documents he had online that were encrypted.

Time will tell what if anything happens. I’m sure they’re not going to show up on my tracker, and whatever happens, I will deal with it accordingly. I’d like to think Aly wouldn’t mess with my accounts, but as she herself says on Twitter, she’s all about having fun and exploring her boundaries. Well, she reached the limit as far as the boundaries of our friendship go, so now we’ll see if she stretches the boundaries of the law or not… and I will be waiting and ready to deal with it if she does.

When I made my last check of their tweets (no, I’m not going to peak in after tonight cuz I don’t care to follow those I dislike) there was Aly and of course her buddy Kim, too. That one ran because that’s what she always does when she’s confronted. She probably just blocked me instead of deactivated, though. The skitzo literally has hundreds of accounts. Aly said something about making decisions tomorrow. Well, there’s nothing to decide where I’m concerned. We’re done. I’m just a memory for her now.

Another thing that sucks is that my secret accounts obviously aren’t the secrets I thought they were as far as the trolls go. If Aly hasn’t done so already she could give her beloved trolls my email addy and links to other accounts that I don’t want them to know about. Just how “secret” is the Ask account I use to keep in touch with Andy? He offered to change accounts, but nah, they’ll only find it if they really want to. Kim and Molly probably wouldn’t have brains enough to find it, but Aly would.

The thought of me thinking that Aly was my friend while secretly laughing at the games she and the trolls were playing (or at least games she knew the trolls were playing with me) really pisses the shit out of me.

At first I thought of shutting down all my accounts and creating new ones, but I’m not running. I haven’t done anything wrong and so there’s no reason to hide. If I shut down accounts in the future it will be for reasons not connected to them. If I allow anonymous comments round the clock, that too, will have nothing to do with them.

Alison could probably find any account I create, and why block any of theirs? They’ll only create new ones.

I think she probably is with the FBI based on what I’ve seen and read. Her name, location and age are probably real, but everything else is hit or miss.

Do I really need any more hit-or-miss friends in my life?

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 29, 2013 The painting of the second bedroom is proving to be a mixed bag. Unfortunately, we ran out of paint and realized that the tools we purchased weren't suitable for the job. We should have bought individual tools instead of opting for the set. While the Palest Lavender paint itself is excellent and doesn't emit a strong odor, the texture we added was ultimately a waste of time. Despite thoroughly stirring it into the paint, the texture appears uneven, resembling clumps of sand on the wall overlaid with paint.

Furthermore, the thick and clumpy consistency of the paint made it challenging for Tom to avoid hitting the quarter round along where the walls and ceilings meet. We may opt to replace those altogether.

On a brighter note, I appreciate how mixing the primer into the paint means we only need to apply one coat. It effectively covers dark scuffs and marks, indicating it will also cover the remaining sections of dark paneling well. Regardless, the room is bound to look better with its new color.

The question now is how to proceed with the next rooms. Should we leave the strips and forgo spackling, opting instead for plain old paint and primer? Or should we consider renting a spray-on texture device to emulate the plastered appearance achieved in Jesse's trailer bedroom, which boasted the most modern-looking walls in the whole place?

Life otherwise remains unchanged - my dreams continue to feature one or both of my parents, the fight for marriage equality persists, racism remains prevalent, and the dry weather persists, albeit conducive to faster paint drying.

Later on…

It amuses me how many people equate weight with fitness. Thinness doesn't always correlate with good health, believe me. When I was thin, I couldn't run a mile non-stop, but now, as an aging individual carrying extra weight, I can.

Tom has also abandoned his diet. Losing weight seems impossible as we age, and any progress made often seems fleeting, with the lost pounds returning like a wayward pet finding its way back home. While I strive to maintain fitness through exercise and sensible eating, I acknowledge that weight gain is inevitable as I age. I may gain a pound every six months to a year, rather than every six minutes as I initially feared. Ultimately, my concern lies more with how I feel rather than how I look or others' perceptions of my appearance. I don't want to lose the ability to bend over comfortably due to excessive weight gain.

I'm genuinely curious how individuals like Kim, who weigh 330 pounds or more, find clothing that fits them. Even plus sizes must have their limits, right? At such a weight, where does one find suitable clothing?

It's intriguing how every time Kim visits my Twitter page, I'm recommended more of her fan club accounts, which I promptly block. I wonder how she manages to keep track of all the emails and passwords. This fixation, coupled with her refusal to heed those who have asked her to stay away, appears to consume her entire life.

Tomorrow, we plan to purchase more paint and a roller brush with a longer nap to ensure better coverage, as the current one didn't reach into the grooves adequately. We'll also need to replace the quarter rounds with new quarter or crown moldings. Additionally, painting the very bottom of the wall poses a challenge in the absence of baseboards. This is why I prefer to paint the entire place before installing the new carpet.

A follower made a valid point about textured ceilings accumulating more dust. While I appreciate their ability to reduce sound echoes, they do indeed attract dust, and attempts to clean them often result in more mess. Despite this, I still prefer their appearance over flat ceilings.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 2013 Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate! Tom and I aren't big fans of turkey, so we're simply taking it easy, enjoying various foods, engaging in online activities, and preparing to paint the walls of the second bedroom. We've removed strips from the wallboard seams and plan to spackle them with joint compound. However, we'll have to wait until tomorrow to start painting, as we want the spackle to dry overnight. It's essential to ensure the paint doesn't seal in any moisture.

The surroundings have been eerily quiet, a stark contrast to the usual bustle. Come Monday, the landscapers will resume their work, maintaining the vast expanses of common space and individual properties. Within another month or so, all the leaves should have fallen, hopefully reducing the need for daily maintenance. Personally, I'd prefer if they replaced the grass and maples with quieter plants, but I understand the appeal of grass and leafy trees. Not all yards here feature grass; some opt for gravel or bushes instead.

I've discovered a new method for copying and reposting old entries to Blogger and Prosebox. I hope I'm not overwhelming anyone on Prosebox with my frequent posts, considering it attracts more traffic than the other blogging platforms I use. Although it's relatively new, Prosebox seems to have garnered millions of users, mainly composed of former OD users dissatisfied with the platform's decline.

Alison created a fan page for Kim M on MO, using an exaggerated caricature of her face with oversized glasses. Despite spreading the link far and wide, Kim hasn't reacted thus far.

Later on…

I must say, I did an excellent job cutting Tom's hair today, and he agrees. Initially skeptical about the new trimming shears he bought, I found them surprisingly easy to use once I got the hang of them, albeit a bit tedious and time-consuming due to his lengthy hair. We set the shears to trim his hair to a uniform length of one inch, slowly passing them over his head multiple times to ensure each hair was cut evenly.

Unfortunately, we ran out of spackling for the bedroom walls, but we decided to use that room as a test area instead of rushing out to get more. Tomorrow, it will be painted a pale lavender, which we're both looking forward to.

I'm surprised Bubble Face hasn't updated her little fan blog. What's her next move? Perhaps impersonating me and calling Molly using my area code? It's infuriating to think about, and I find myself seething with anger. I haven't felt this enraged in a long time, especially towards someone who seems to revel in causing distress to others. If only that despicable person would face consequences for her actions.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 27, 2013 It seems my LJ posts are still cross-posting to Twitter, despite my protected tweets, all thanks to a certain nosy individual who can't seem to move on. Since I can't decide where to blog, I suppose I'll just blog everywhere except for MyOpera. Why bother blogging on a platform slated for shutdown?

No unsettling dreams last night, but predictably, my parents made an appearance. I half expected them to ambush me once I fell asleep. However, they only featured briefly in a couple of dreams. Instead, the focus was primarily on my Italian parents. In one dream, I visited them in a ground-floor apartment of a large building. As I approached the front door, I could see into their living room. Dad was asleep, but Mom was reading. She greeted me with a smile, and I began conversing with her in sign language to avoid waking Dad, amusingly enough. Additionally, I found myself surprisingly agile, effortlessly navigating what seemed to be a mound of snow or a sand dune.

Waking up with a scratchy throat, I'm unsure whether it's due to a cold or the dry weather. Regardless, I'm combatting it with copious amounts of hot coffee and a throat lozenge.

Sunday's forecast boasts temperatures nearing 70°. While it's chilly at present, I'm determined to tackle my walk early. It feels like I'm perpetually bloated, prompting me to wonder if this will continue until I literally burst. My menstrual-like symptoms persist, and I suspect it might be the onset of menopause as I'm just shy of turning 48. While I haven't experienced hot flashes, I've been plagued by frequent bouts of lightheadedness, which I can only describe as a rush in my head. Nonetheless, I won't dwell on it; it's hardly worth mentioning.

Later…

The kitchen sink remains clogged despite my efforts with drain opener, so I'll leave it for Tom to handle when he returns, as I'm at a loss for what else to do.

I opted for a light jog, nearly reaching the front gate. Maintaining a pace of just under 4MPH, I aimed to avoid burnout, cramping, or injury. On the return journey, I mostly walked.

Catching sight of myself in the master bathroom's sizable mirror, I realized that perhaps fate isn't entirely against me. Yes, I may be overweight, a fact I've come to accept with age, but my face still holds some semblance of attractiveness, and I appear relatively healthy and fit despite the extra pounds. I acknowledge I shouldn't be so harsh on myself, especially considering there are many younger individuals facing more significant challenges.

That's all for now. I'm in a sluggish mood, enjoying the peace and quiet of today.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 26, 2013 The pricey rat toy I won arrived yesterday, and Romeo just LOVES it. Sugar doesn’t really care, but Romeo loves to chase the thing all around the room. It’s a feather at the end of the string, which is attached to a wand that sort of resembles a fishing rod. Once we have lighter-colored carpet where he’ll show up better, I’ll make some videos.

Got a holiday card from Paula, which is nice. I’ll get a letter off to her soon enough.

I’m enjoying the last of the peace until the banging and buzzing start. Next door was back to parking in the carport, coming and going and slamming doors. Most of the door slamming was at the house they’re trying to sell that they’re obviously having a very hard time selling. This is a very expensive park. They need to lower the price on that house first, as big and as luxurious as it is. Especially since it’s on the edge.

Anyway, something was going on again next door. That same white pickup returned that had some boxes in back of it. Also, the SUV was parked at the end of the driveway, which means something was going on in the garage. I could hear movement in there every time I went to use the bathroom.

I think I forgot to mention that on Saturday morning Tom and I went to Home Depot. We picked up a gallon of Palest Lavender paint to do the second bedroom. He’ll have four days off this week, and that’s when we’ll do the painting.

I’m trying to decide if I want to go around to all my blogs and delete all the old entries and just have it be from the here and now. It’s just so much work to sync and manage the blogs and to edit this and that, but then again, deleting everything would take time and work, too. I can just turn my first MD account private because I don’t use it anymore anyway, but I just can’t decide what I want to do for sure. I think to myself that I should get rid of past posts because they are after all in the past, but the entries I write today will eventually be in the past too, so I’m not sure what I want to do. I’m undecided at the moment.

Later…

Now let’s talk about Kim. Yeah, the dumbshit had to know she’d eventually get caught with her latest fake profile impersonating Aly, just like she gets caught with everything else, right? And she had to know I’d mention it too, right? Does she actually WANT me to bash her in my blogs? Does she actually LIKE it when I do? Well, this isn’t about what Kim M wants, but what’s happening to a friend and how I choose to write about it. I was going to make private or deactivate every account she knows about so she has nothing to stalk, but that’s what KIM does when she’s been caught at something. Meanwhile, I haven’t done anything wrong, and I’m not running. I’m through trying to hide from this crazy bitch. Let her read every word of my blogs for the rest of her life if she wants. I don’t care what she thinks. I’m not obligated to her, and after all she’s done to me and my friends, I’m not in any position to give her any respect or privacy when it comes to airing out the stunts she’s pulled on us.

Yesterday I was so fucking pissed at her I could’ve strangled the living shit out of her! Damn her and her same old fucking shit that goes on year after year after year! If I ever visit my family in New England, I’m stopping in Stafford Springs. You can count on that. Just five minutes alone with her. Just five minutes!

The problem is that our hands are tied because she hasn’t used our exact names, and she’s lashing out at us through Molly’s account and not any of ours. This is a professional stalker who knows the ropes well. She’s done this for years, and she knows what’s legal and what’s not. She’s breaking the law without quite breaking it. I’m pretty sure she’s had/has help and is not acting alone. I knew her to be dumb and immature, so that’s why I think someone’s helping her. At the time I didn’t realize the depth of her insanity, and if someone had told me a few years ago, “Piss her off, and she’ll stalk you for life,” I’d have been like, “Kim? Nah, no way.”

I realize I gotta stop thinking she’s gotten sick of me just because I’ve made it hard for her to contact me directly, not that she has the guts to contact me from an account, bogus or not, on any of my own accounts. She will only do so anonymously or through other people’s accounts like her latest, Karli M account on MyOpera, which I have reported. Funny, though, cuz she can’t delete, deny, and delude when it comes to this account. Only MO can ban it. If not it will sit there till the site shuts down in March. The Karli account uses much of Aly’s real info, so that’s why I first thought it was really Aly and couldn’t figure out why she would defend someone like Molly and point a finger at me. But Kim has always had a deep-seated hatred for me that I never could fathom, and so she WOULD point a finger at me. And she WOULD try to steer any suspicions away from Kathy cuz they’re still friends as far as I know. They can have each other! Although I don’t know why, Kim has hated me since day one. Why she bothered to pretend to be my friend for a couple of years, I don’t get. It wasn’t until I caught her two-facing me on Ask with the nasty anonymous comments that I realized she was no friend at all, and that’s when I dumped her. But this was well over a year ago, for God’s sake! Get over it and move on! I honestly wonder if this sick twist pays more attention to those that don’t want a damn thing to do with her than those who do (until her true colors shine brightly).

Meanwhile, she checks my blogs, Ask, Twitter, and other accounts religiously, along with others she’s harassed and is still harassing every chance she gets, and the longer it goes on, the more I’m convinced she’s NEVER going to stop. How sad that this crazy elephant has nothing more to look forward to in life than food, celebs, impersonating people, and cyberbullying. That’s her whole life. I don’t understand why someone this crazy hasn’t been placed in a controlled environment.

I could kick myself for letting her fool me like she did, but she did such a good job of making herself look like Allison that I actually believed it for a minute there. So did Molly, who she’s also texting as Aly by changing the area code on her phone to make it look like she’s in another location. She does this when visiting my blogs too.

As bad as Molly could be in the past, she definitely doesn’t deserve what she’s gotten. To the best of my knowledge, Molly may still be unstable, moody, pushy, and needy, but she hasn’t bothered anyone lately. Why she bothers to allow for comments unless she actually wants the attention is beyond me. All she has to do is disable that and block Kim, then she can blog in peace without the unwanted shit sprinkled in.

I blame myself just as much as I blame Kim for getting me all riled up. Had I not bothered to follow Molly’s damn blog, I wouldn’t know what’s going on. Ignorance really is bliss so I won’t be looking in on anyone’s blog there, fake or not, while the site still exists.

I also feel bad for suspecting Adonis, but the fat tub of shit was apparently smart enough to take note and remember how he writes and how he often connects his contractions from when she was on my Facebook friend list. He also has his own account on MO and has left comments on it. That’s how trolls find those they obsessively stalk. They don’t just look up the people directly, but will link to their friends as well.

It was her erratic writing style that finally gave her away as well as a little detective work I’m not at liberty to discuss which confirmed her identity. The only other thing I’ll say is that it hit me that the person had to be in the US. Adonis is in EU and there’s no way he could get his profile to say he was in the US. I know this because somebody once wanted to make an account look like they were in Australia to avoid trolls, and it would not let them. Even though they chose that country for their location it still said they were in the US whether they wanted it to or not.

They say the crazy only gets crazier with time. If she would just start harassing me directly on a regular basis I could then have her dealt with and be done with her. IDK, maybe instead of trying to close doors to her and lock her out of my life I should fling them wide open and throw out a welcome mat. Maybe I should help pave the way to make it easy for the nutjob to incriminate herself. If she would only have the guts to contact me from an account instead of just anonymously!

After being fooled by the connected contractions, my second guess was Kathy. She is a very vengeful person, but she recently had a kid and so her life is over for a while. At first, I was hoping she would lose the kid as I thought it was high time that the spoiled little princess learned what it’s like to lose and actually not get something you want. As far as I could tell from back when I knew her, she would get every single thing in life she ever wanted, just not always as fast as she’d like. She never learned what it’s like to be deprived of anything, and that made her a very insensitive person. She would pretend to be sympathetic to you, but she didn’t really give a shit. Kim also lacks empathy, but I believe in her case it’s just plain insanity. Psychopaths and sociopaths are unable to feel and experience emotions like sympathy, apathy, empathy, guilt, and pity.

Now I’m glad Kathy had the brat. The thing is actually doing me a favor by coming into existence because now Kathy won’t have the time to bully anyone. Not unless harassing others is more important than taking care of it. So now I can get a break for at least a few years… until the damn thing gets older.

Later…

Still can’t decide if I want to delete old entries from all my blogs or just edit anything I feel should be edited and leave it as is. LiveJournal is the only blog that crossposts to other sites. With other blogs, I kind of have to help them. It’s also easy to override if there’s something I don’t feel is Facebook-friendly.

Last night I had a dream that Kathy and I were friends again. Only she was still pregnant, and we met in person. She was at my house, which didn’t look like my house, as is usually the case in dreams. Tom worked second shift, and I was worried because he never came home that night.

The next morning, I found myself at Kathy’s, sipping coffee with her in her kitchen and admiring the lovely new blue carpet she had recently acquired. I expressed my concern about Tom, who still hadn't returned by the time I had awakened.

In other news, my friend Christine got engaged, and I couldn't be happier for her! Despite being a few years younger than me and residing in Ohio, she has found someone to spend the rest of her life with. Christine has been a loyal follower of my blog for years.

Observing my neighbor return from his first outing of the day and park in the garage, I concluded that there wouldn't be much activity there today.

Later, I realized the source of a troubling dream involving Tom failing to return home after his second shift. Unfortunately, reality mirrored my dream as we discovered fraudulent charges on our credit card. Thankfully, Tom's vigilance in monitoring our accounts enabled us to notify the bank before significant damage was done.

In response, I undertook my familiar routine of rearranging my blogs, a serious hobby of mine. I made my first MD private since I no longer utilized it, and restricted access to all my LJ posts prior to this month except for my bio. Additionally, I purged Blogger of recent entries and pared down my PB books, preserving only essential content such as my bio, short story, and our narrative since moving in.

This clean slate allows me to refresh my content periodically while retaining everything on my hard drive.

Now, I must decide which platforms to continue using. Aly and I have safeguarded our tweets, rendering LJ's cross-posting feature obsolete for that purpose. I have opted to continue sharing posts exclusively on Facebook.

Despite my aversion to unwanted scrutiny, I refuse to be intimidated into hiding. Therefore, I intend to maintain all four of my blogs. And while I harbor no ill will toward Molly, I harbor strong sentiments against Kim M, whose actions warrant condemnation to the fullest extent.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 25, 2013 Wish I knew why this darn dictation program of mine takes forever to launch, but anyway, Nane has identified our mystery flower. She says it’s a Camellia, and when I looked up pictures of it, it does seem to look exactly like it. So thanks to her, we now know what it is. I guess Camellia trees can grow to be about 8 or 9 feet tall.

I also wish I had more to write, but I can’t think of anything right now. I’m just enjoying the peace before the daily landscapers hit the scene. Running a load of dishes through the dishwasher and having the robot vacuum for me now. These gadgets really do make my life a little bit easier, especially the robot.

Can’t remember any dreams from last night, but it’s hard to believe I didn’t have any. I think I’ll go copy and sync some of my blogs like I have been.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 2013 OMG, this is too funny! Can't post it online, though. Out of a moment's boredom, I decided to say hello to Molly on Ask. I mentioned knowing her from WordPress, a place where I know she's blogged, and randomly chose the name Amanda. I asked if she remembered me, and she replied, "Yes, how are you?" LOL.

I made my LiveJournal blog public again just for the hell of it. I like how that's the only blog that automatically posts to Twitter; I have to do it manually from other blogs. Maybe I'll have it post to Facebook too. If I do, though, no graphics will show in the preview on FB since I usually don't add any there. Only the skinny blogs seem to look good with graphics. My LJ template is a wide-set one. I also like how LJ posts what songs I'm currently listening to on Last.fm.

Got a message from Tammy. She's been through quite a nightmare and still is. While the knee surgery went well, there's been one mess-up after another, she says. Not getting her meds on time, nurses showing up late to the house, etc. Maybe this will finally be it for her for a while. She seems to have gotten everything "fixed" that can be fixed, and her lungs stabilized.

I won a $35 feather cat toy that the cats will no doubt love. It's on a stick that you set up for them.

We have several bushes along the side by the kitchen with yellow flowers. We also have a beautiful tree that's now sprouting these totally gorgeous pink flowers that don't smell but seem so velvety soft. I shared pics on Facebook. Maybe Tammy or Norma can identify them. There are no thorns, which rules out roses, and the leaves aren't right for carnations or peonies.

There's also this strange arrangement of shells and rocks that made me think of a grave marker. The realtor said they never had a dog, but could they have had a cat? Sugar can fit under the oven and he pulled out an old tennis ball the other day.

My period is now 11 days late. If menopause is setting in, fine. Just wish my body could stop feeling so PMS-y if no period is coming.

I also wish my parents would get the hell out of my dreams, whether it's my subconscious conjuring them up or themselves checking in from the other side. I'm beginning to think more and more it is them. Just a feeling. As long as they don't go chasing me off cliffs and stuff like that; but that's part of why I think it's them. Assholes or not, they wouldn't go chasing me off cliffs in real life, so why would they in dreams? The dreams are usually quite trivial.

In last night's dream, I introduced a deaf boy to Dad, who acted like he could hear just fine minutes later, even though we would sign to each other. Then a young woman and I were hanging out with my mother. This time around I wasn't living with her, and I did seem to know Tom. The girl was getting married. I asked if she had kids and she said no. I asked if she was going to have them with her husband, and she rolled her eyes and said, "How old-fashioned. I'm going to work and win things like your mom won that."

She nodded toward some knickknack of sorts, and I said to Mom, "Oh, you won that?"

Mom nodded, and I said I wasn't sweeping anymore due to the economy, though the real reason these days is that there's too much competition.

She said, "The economy isn't bad."

"I fear it's going to get bad again," I said.

"Well, of course it will be bad again," she said.

Since no one seems to be able to help themselves when it comes to "liking" and commenting on my public Facebook posts, and they're not my responsibility to worry about, maybe I'll make it public there too. It's been over a year since the trolls contacted Andy, so we'll see.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 23, 2013 Believe it or not, it's just 39°F out there now, according to what I just checked. It gave me chills just seeing that. That's so damn cold for us!

I wish I had something more exciting to share other than complaining about the cold, but I really don't. I set aside my story once again, and we plan to pick up the paint for both bedrooms over the weekend. Eventually, we're going to replace these big old toilets, too. We have all kinds of upgrading plans, mostly of a cosmetic nature, for the next year or so. Despite having many thousands in savings, it's hard to get myself to spend more than a little at a time because of what happened a couple of years ago. Whereas I used to love to spend money, now I dread it. This newfound fear is only bolstering our savings, so there is some good in it. It's not growing much, though, because we have spent quite a bit since moving in.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 2013 My furballs are having a blast playing in the box filled with packing paper. It's become their official play area when they're out and about. Yesterday was quite amusing. I had my dictation program running while working on my story once again when I felt Sugar tap me on the ankle to remind me of his presence. Then he started messing with the scented plug-ins. A few minutes later, I glanced back at my document and saw: "and then they went out to eat and no, no, no, get away from there. That's not a toy."

I received the incense I ordered, and while it's of good quality, it's not as fragrant as I'd hoped. I think I'll stick to Gonesh; they currently offer the best variety for the price. I should probably quit buying incense altogether once the new carpet and drapes are in, but I'm addicted to incense like some people are addicted to porn.

All the cleaning is done. Today is just laundry and workout day. Despite the cold and windy weather forecast for today and tomorrow, I think I'll go for a walk at sunrise. I just need to decide on my route. Should I circle the block? Head down to the gate? The clubhouse? Tennis courts? Golf courts? Maybe I'll take a walk through the cemetery. The only issue is I can't exit the park on foot like I once thought I could, at least not from the back.

I've decided to return to working on my story again. I'm still not sure if I'll meet the deadline with the required word count, but for now, I'm back in the NaNoNoveling business.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 2013 We've had more rain in the last two days than we have since last spring. It's a welcome change, although I can understand how people accustomed to cold, damp, rainy weather most of the time might find it dreary and tiresome. It's not quite like the warm, summer rain you experience in tropical locales or during the desert's monsoon season.

A disappointing revelation from Tom this morning was that they were still blowing leaves along the perimeter even while it was raining. I had no idea they could do that. I inquired if they could still mow, as Andy mentioned they mow wet lawns there. Tom said it would depend on how wet it was. This news is disheartening. So much for relying on the rain to spare me from the daily landscaping cacophony. I really hope it returns to just a few times a week soon enough. The noise from car doors and traffic can be distracting enough as it is. I'm grateful to be on nights now, whereas before, I always preferred to be on days if possible. At this point, I'd rather stay on nights.

Since Alison stumbled upon my Prosebox account by accident, even though I used a username I've never used before, I'm certain I made the right decision by making my current book accessible only to members. This way, if anyone I don't particularly like discovers it, they won't be able to read beyond July when we moved in here. I'm posting essentially the same content on Blogger and MD, but this allows me to freely express my frustrations about those I despise without giving them the negative attention they crave. I can also voice any suspicions I have about people I'm connected to but not overly close to. If I'm close enough to them, I can simply approach them directly if I want to address any concerns.

So yes, trolls could find my account there, and yes, the owner plans to let Google index public blogs. But for now, the only blog they know about that I'm still using is Blogger.

For instance, this paragraph will only appear on Prosebox, and I want to mention that while Kim may not be as eager to leave anonymous comments on Ask, and she might still be hesitant to reveal herself on Blogger, she must be reading my tweets. Aly received an email alert for her latest of dozens of accounts, so I blocked it. I know she'll just follow me from another account, but why make it easy for the troubled individual? She's already blocked Aly. As if Aly cares? rolls eyes Trolls. Who can understand them? Kim may hide her identity, but I'll know if and when Molly finds me. She enjoys appearing on my tracker, almost as if she relishes thrusting her unwelcome presence in my face. She still checks blogs I no longer even use.

If I've ever had a weakness, it's been the compulsion to air out my grievances. Then again, maybe it's not necessarily a "weakness," but rather just a part of who I am. I prefer to address issues directly whenever possible. So I sent Maliheh a brief email asking, "If I said I was dying of cancer, would you care, or would you still consider me a 'mission' accomplished?"

As expected, I received no response. I encoded this message because I was curious to see if she would pick up on it. She did. She hit my tracker several hours later, but I realized it was because she accessed her messages and mine would be toward the top. Once it's pushed toward the bottom, TIP won't pick her up unless she opens the message.

Why she's reading and saving my emails after breaking up with me is beyond me. All I can think of is that she's hoping I'll say something incriminating. If she were genuinely interested in what I had to say, why wouldn't she follow my blog, too? Unless she's doing it anonymously, she's not following me any more than the individual from AZ. She's simply hoping to gather "evidence" that the spiteful, vindictive person can use against me, much like the individual from CT hoped to. So any future messages I send will have to be worded carefully and sparingly.

Later…

Since Ask and Blogger are public sites, I've decided to let those posts shared on Facebook be public unless someone "likes" or comments on them. If they do, since I just can't seem to get people to stop liking and commenting on my public posts, I'll make them friends only.

As most people who know me are aware, Tom spent six months tirelessly filling out job applications to no avail. When the government callously cut off our unemployment benefits before he found a job, we felt so desperate that we contemplated ending our lives to spare ourselves from a slow, agonizing decline on the streets. We're too old for that kind of hardship, and I, for one, couldn't handle life on the streets even when I was young. I'm simply not cut out for that lifestyle, and yes, I've come to despise a higher power for either directly subjecting us to suffering or permitting it to happen as if we hadn't already endured enough hardship.

At the very last minute, Tom not only landed a job, but it was one he hadn't even applied for. Instead, someone came across his résumé online. Meanwhile, Andy claimed he's the one who secured Tom's job after praying in the final hour to prevent losing another friend to suicide. He believes it was divine intervention that got Tom the job. If his belief is accurate, then who or what was trying to bring harm to us? It certainly seemed like something was determined to lead us toward our demise, though it's difficult to reconcile the idea that the same force that saved us was the one attempting to harm us. Do I believe there was a malevolent force pushing us toward death? Absolutely. Do I also believe something otherworldly intervened due to the timing being an incredible coincidence? Absolutely. I just can't determine what that force was. Prayer has never yielded much for me, but perhaps, just like there are individuals who never experience dream premonitions, there are those who can make prayer work for them. No, I didn't pray for a million dollars, in case you're wondering. I genuinely kept my prayers modest, fair, and reasonable. Maybe it's all about who God favors. Perhaps He saved us because He favors Andy but not because He cares about Tom and me. If that's the case, then I hope Andy remains on His good side because I've felt nothing but disdain and estrangement from Him throughout most of my life. As for me, I'll never forgive Him for at least permitting so many atrocities to befall me.

Speaking of prayer, I had a dream where I was out and about somewhere, and my purse was missing. I prayed that I would find it. I then entered a room and saw it sitting on a table. Excitedly, I rushed toward it, thinking, "I can't wait to tell Andy that God answered one of my prayers, too!" But when I grabbed the purse, I found it completely empty. It sort of dampens the excitement when you've still been deprived of what's most important.

They say that whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger, but I'm not so sure about that. I believe it's more accurate to say that difficult times may make us wiser, but they can also make us more fragile and anxious. Instead of instilling strength in me, it has left me with memories that I'll have to carry forever. Oh, it's certainly heightened my appreciation for the good times, but it's also contributed to my paranoia in some respects, leading me to spend too much time worrying that the past will come back to haunt me.

So, is Nane ignoring me? I feel comfortable mentioning it here because I'm certain she would never create an account here. Ever since I shared pictures with her showing the weight I've gained and my haircut, which she didn't like, it seems I'm hearing less and less from her. First, she said she was unwell, and then she mentioned covering for a colleague who was on vacation or something along those lines, yet I know she's been active on Facebook.

Although I can't recall the specifics, my parents appeared in several dreams once again. It seems that in most dreams where they're still alive, I don't seem to know Tom, and I'm living with them.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 19, 2013 Although it was written differently, the individual returned to Molly’s blog to express that it’s not Kim or Sarah who's bothering her, but rather someone who secretly wants to date her and is referred to as "one crazy fatty." I hate to admit it because I genuinely like Adonis, but I still have a suspicion it might be him, and that the "crazy fatty" he mentions could be me. After all, he's seen recent pictures of me, so he would know about my weight gain.

Adonis has always struck me as technically adept, so I wondered if he could somehow extract IPs from the comments to identify the troll (unless my paranoia has reached Molly's level). However, I couldn't think of a method. I examined both page sources and information but found nothing useful. I'll ask Tom when he wakes up if he knows of any way to extract IPs from comments left on blogs and various sites. If anyone reading this has any insights, please let me know.

It's still possible that the culprit is Kim, Kathy, or Sarah, but if so, why haven't they mentioned my name? Could it be because it's someone who still considers themselves enough of a friend not to want to go that far?

Pretending to be oblivious to my suspicions, I messaged Adonis, who now claims that Adonis isn’t his real name… yet. Hmm… just how well do I know my friend from the Netherlands?

As for the troll itself, it's still regularly monitoring all my blogs, even the ones I'm not actively using.

My sister’s knee surgery went smoothly, and her recovery is expected to be successful. I anticipated as much and am not surprised, despite the pain she must be experiencing.

I was taken aback (and annoyed) to hear music coming from what seemed to be the house behind ours between 7 PM and 8 PM last night. I could distinguish that it was definitely from a house and not a car because I could hear the beat of the drums, not just the bass. I didn’t think this sort of thing happened here, though.

I've made my current Prosebox book accessible only to members. It's the one place where I voice my suspicions about others, which may or may not be accurate, and where I can discuss people I know—yet care about—without offending or hurting their feelings. Prosebox is the one space where I can be completely honest and upfront with people I've met only through the site or OD. It's not that I'm opposed to being honest and upfront with others, but I prefer to be certain about what I'm revealing. Why confront someone who may not be guilty of what I suspect them of? Right now, it's just a gut feeling. I suspect that someone I considered a friend, who seemed to genuinely like me, might actually harbor negative feelings toward me. Why they wouldn't express these feelings if that's the case is beyond me. Then again, a certain individual in CT didn’t admit to her actions until I caught her red-handed, so who knows why some people are hesitant to express their true thoughts at times. I suppose only they know.

Rain is forecasted for the next few days, but I'll be asleep for most of it anyway.

I received some of my birthday gifts yesterday, and this morning, we might put up the rat and lady wall decals on the doors.

I've begun the arduous task of unsubscribing from the numerous emails sent to the account I use for sweepstakes entries, so I can continue using the account without being inundated with so much junk.

Later…

I had a dream that my parents were still alive and sent a couple of birthday cards. I was reading the notes they included to Tom. He asked something like, “Can I see?” and I handed him one of the cards. The more frequently they appear in my dreams, the more convinced I become that they're not merely figments of my imagination. It’s THEM. At least, a part of me believes it is, although I'm still not entirely convinced and still cling to the hope that they somehow live on.

There are other occurrences, like sensing someone's presence when I'm alone, and so forth. One night when I was a child, I woke up to use the bathroom. Upon returning to bed, my mother followed me and, in one of her rare displays of affection, tucked the covers around me when I got back into bed.

As I was drifting off to sleep this morning, I felt my mother tuck me in. Or did I? I didn't see anything, but it's what I felt and sensed. I was nearly asleep when I could've sworn I felt (her?) adjust the covers by an inch or so. I'm still not entirely convinced that the spirit world exists, but each time something like this happens, I wonder a bit more.

We're finally experiencing some real rain. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough to deter yesterday's leaf blowers. Even though it wasn’t actually raining at the time, I was like, NOOO!!! They can't possibly be out there blowing WET leaves. But sure enough, at 8:50 AM, that's exactly what they were doing.

I managed to apply the pink rat decal to the second bedroom door without any issues. There weren't any air bubbles, and it wasn't too difficult to install at 22x14 inches. The 22x75-inch lady, however, presented a challenge. She looks fantastic, but there are some air bubbles. White was a good color choice, too. Initially, I debated between lilac or light blue but white turned out to be the perfect match for the dark brown door.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 2013 Haven’t heard from Aly in over a week now and am a bit worried. I’m also wondering just how well I know my friends. Like Adonis, for example. Does he really like me and think good of me? Or is he harboring nasty thoughts I don’t know of?

On Molly’s newest blog, someone has been defending her and saying they think it’s just one person picking on her there and that “she” has a lot of time on her hands and does it cuz she hates herself.

The reason I suspect Adonis is cuz of the way he connects words instead of using contractions. He writes donot, shouldnot, havenot, etc. Someone once said she “shouldnot” be online due to her behavior and I immediately suspected Adonis then, and said I had a dream about him pulling a prank on someone as a test. Right away he asked me to delete my mention of the dream.

I decided to say that someone mentioned his name on her blog and asked if he knew anything about it. He said he was in a hurry, would check it out later, but no, it “couldnot” be him.

Do I believe him? No, I’m afraid not. But how does he know it’s me? Yes, it really is me. I admit it. Not in public, of course, but yes, I’ve anonymously said some things Molly didn’t like, like how she makes people give up on her when she wrote that Kim, Kathy and me have given up on her. It’s very true, and well, even though she’ll never change I just felt compelled to speak up and point that out. She was sure to stay away from my MO and LJ blogs yesterday, but she did try to access my Blogger blog from Ask.

Back to Adonis. If it was him and if he does think it’s me, does he really think I hate myself and have too much time on my hands? And if so, why is he my friend then, and why would he suddenly defend this nut who has caused me and others so much grief along with her mother???

Tom says I’m being paranoid and jumping the gun, as it’s a common writing style with some people whose native language isn’t English. They don’t know where to put the contractions, so they combine the words. But who else on MO writes like that that would be nice to her and that would suspect just one person? And how did he find her if it is Adonis? Probably checked my page and linked through from the ‘latest visitors’ section.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 17, 2013 I hit a wall at over 26,000 words. I simply can’t conjure up any fresh and captivating twists for my story. I've come to the realization that I'm essentially regurgitating the same tired variations of the same tired themes. My well of imagination seems to have run dry. Ah, the joys of getting older! While we may gain wisdom and maturity (usually), we also seem to lose our visionary spark, our vitality, our metabolic edge, and eventually, our knack for innovation. My creative juices have all but dried up. Nothing feels novel or exhilarating anymore. Take Hawaii, for example. Sure, it's thrilling, but not nearly as exhilarating as it would've been in my early twenties, back when I was living on the East Coast and hadn't ventured beyond visiting my sister in Texas a couple of times. It appears that blogging is the only form of writing that truly resonates with me these days. I relish the opportunity to share life's highs and vent about its lows.

Tomorrow, Tammy undergoes knee surgery, followed by a lengthy journey of physical therapy and recuperation. She requested my prayers, prompting me to muster the courage to confess my agnosticism to her. I couldn't bear to deceive her by pretending to pray when I don't. My belief lies in the notion that events unfold as they are destined to, and if prayer could simply grant our wishes, we'd all lead charmed lives (or, at the very least, be spared from life's hardships). The notion that "God never gives us more than we can handle" rings hollow to me; if that were true, we'd all be immortal. Moreover, any deity capable of allowing such suffering, both for Tammy and for myself, isn't one I feel inclined to trust. For me, prayer feels like talking to a brick wall. Having "a friend in God" is akin to befriending the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, or some other mythical entity. However, this doesn't diminish my respect for others' beliefs. We each harbor our own convictions, and that's perfectly acceptable. As for me, well, perhaps there is something out there, but it's not always as benevolent as we'd like to believe. In other words, whatever force governs our existence seems to harbor a vendetta against some of us. Considering how wretched my life was for so long, I still can't fathom the streak of good fortune I've been riding lately, and I fear it's only a matter of time before the tides turn.

Nevertheless, I'll keep Tammy in my thoughts and hope for the best. I can't begin to imagine enduring such tribulations, and I certainly don't envy her. Not only will she be confined to immobility for a while, but she may also require ventilator assistance post-surgery until she can breathe independently. And, of course, she must pray to whatever higher power she believes in to steer clear of any infections that could further complicate matters.

I was disheartened to learn of Marie's impending move. I'm eagerly awaiting her response. It seems she's parted ways with her wife, a development I feared was on the horizon. She, too, will occupy my thoughts, and I sincerely hope she finds contentment, whatever form it may take. She holds a special place in my heart, and despite the moments of exasperation she's caused me in the past, she deserves happiness.

FedEx was slated to deliver the first of my birthday treats—the tigress and cub figurine, along with Tom's CoQ10 pills—but failed to do so. The tracking status claimed it was out for delivery until 8 PM, but I suspect they're running behind schedule with the holidays looming. Alternatively, perhaps we were relegated to the bottom of their delivery list, and they lacked the access code to enter our gated community once the gates were secured at 7 PM. This marks the first time I've begrudged these gates, though they do serve their purpose of deterring unauthorized vehicular traffic, particularly those with blaring car stereos.

I spent most of the day in slumber, but Tom assured me it was a tranquil day with no sign of children frolicking in the streets. I wonder if the scene would have been different had I been awake. The sight of those girls cycling alongside their grandmother would have hinted at their residency here, so I'm relieved Tom didn't spot them. After all, there's little point in residing in an age-restricted community if children are permitted to take up residence.

We did catch a brief yelp from a dog being walked by as I stirred from my slumber, but barking remains a rarity in our neighborhood. However, just beyond the park, it's an entirely different story, with plenty of boisterous canines making their presence known. I suspect this is why the house across the street fell through and is back on the market. No one wants to settle in a locale inundated with incessant barking. Late at night, if you stand by any window facing westward, you can faintly discern the distant clamor of barking. I shudder to think how cacophonous it must be for the homes lining Oak Lane. There may be other issues plaguing the property as well; I recall spotting an exterminator at the premises recently.

Aside from an open house and a delivery truck making a stop halfway down the block, Tom reported a tranquil Sunday.

Rain is forecasted for Tuesday through Thursday, though one can never be certain. It promises to be a welcome change, though it's unfortunate that I'll be slumbering during daylight hours, unable to savor the tranquility or revel in the knowledge that inclement weather will keep the landscapers at bay. Then again, precipitation in these parts often arrives in the dead of night.

Glancing at an advertisement "Christ-centered" yoga? Seriously? My goodness, soon there'll be "Christ-centered" everything. Well, to each their own, I suppose.

I broached the subject of prayer with Tom, and he offered this perspective: "I suppose so, though I believe prayer should be directed towards what you need, not necessarily what you want."

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 16, 2013 Got up in the early afternoon and am having a fun day so far. We decided to get the paint early next weekend when we actually planned to start painting the bedroom anyway, so we didn’t have to stand in line on a Saturday afternoon while they mixed the color.

Instead, we went to Walgreens and got some fun stuff. I finally decided to try a nail hardener you put under polish that’s supposed to prevent chips and cracks. I also got Sally Hansen’s new “fuzzy” polish in black and white.

Got some crappy incense and Sweet Petal body mist in the stocking stuffer section.

The nicest thing I got was a pink towel set that came with a bath puff, a hair wrap, and a towel I’ve wanted since I first saw Crazy Ellie with one at the Vista Ventana apartments in Phoenix in 1992. I just never thought to look for one till I saw this set. It’s one of those towels with Velcro that you can wrap around you. I thought it’d be great for at the pool. I’m not going to take it to Hawaii, though.

Tom and I walked down and fed the ducks when we got back, and now we’re just kicking back and doing our own thing. Gotta get on with my book soon.

But first – I still don’t get how Molly’s able to view a blog I’ve blocked her from. She’s not showing up on TIP today, but GA sees her every day. Today GA is back to showing her visit duration as being 0 seconds. I guess it knows when people at least try to access my blog? Or maybe it’s not even her. There are other people in Austin, after all, and it could be a bot, too.

TIP isn’t working right on Prosebox so I’m not coding entries there.

Later…

Why has Linda Ronstadt, a fabulous singer I once so adored and idolized, become such a delusional idiot? Ok, so being part Mexican makes you want to stick up for your own, but when it causes you to lose touch with reality and see things that aren’t there, including discrimination that doesn’t exist, then you’ve got a problem.

If Linda sees having a border between the US and Mexico as “racism,” then what about us beefing up airport security after 9/11? Is that racism, too? Really, it was such a stupid, stupid thing for her to say in the interview I read, and I’m really surprised that this person I idolized for so long can be so blind and so ignorant. Perhaps I shouldn’t be because an opinion is just an opinion, but I find her words almost offensive because in a sense she’s basically labeling whites racists who pick on people simply for their color and not their behavior. How is it “racist” to deport illegals and to want to protect ourselves from harm like drug cartels? Our old rural town of Maricopa became an extremely dangerous place to live, and yes, it’s all the Mexicans’ fault. I make no apologies for stating this fact either. They turned the place into a virtual killing ground. Yanking a passing cop out of its cruiser and killing it is a regular occurrence there, not that most of them aren’t just as corrupt. They’re brazen, deadly, and totally out of control. Yet we’re “racist” by trying to clean up their act for them and send them home?

She bitches that we have fences and walls set up at our southern border but not our northern border. First of all, there are some fences and walls up north, and secondly, if the Canadians were known to smuggle in the kind of trouble that the Mexicans are known to bring in, then security would be beefed up there, too. I’m sorry, but people often get treated based on the way they behave. How many Canadians are as quick to smuggle in guns and drugs and to jump on welfare as opposed to Mexicans? Sure, there are some legal, hard-working Mexicans out there, but like it or not there’s no ignoring the statistics.

Tom says more Mexicans come here than Canadians, and that’s why they get more attention. He argues that if just as many Canadians came in, there’d be just as much crime, but I disagree. Some breeds of dogs are more prone to trouble, and so are some groups of people. We may wish it wasn’t so, but it is, and ignorance and denial won’t change the facts. That’s just the difference between the two cultures. How come the Mexicans build tunnels while the Canadians don’t? Well, it’s not because they want to enjoy the scenery here!

I do agree it was wrong for Seattle to jail an illegal for a few months before deporting the woman and forcing her to lose her kids. The whole family should’ve been deported right away. But it’s hard to feel sorry for those who know damn well that these things can happen to you if you cross the border illegally. Just like it’s hard to feel sorry for those who choose to live where they know typhoons are an issue. I’m sorry that some people lost their homes, but when you live in the path of destruction, what do you expect?

Despite how obvious the problem is with reverse discrimination, it’s like people are literally terrified to address the issue, and I don’t understand why. When people have negative things to say against non-whites, both whites and non-whites are quick to attack the person. But whenever someone dares try to point out that most of the “racism” out there today just isn’t real unless you’re gay, no one wants to hear it. Not saying that there’s no discrimination at all against blacks and Mexicans. Sure there is. But the vast majority is often completely made up, exaggerated, or seriously misconstrued. People are so quick to read things in that aren’t there and mistake the most innocent of statements as hate for non-whites. Not liking a black person’s shirt doesn’t mean we don’t like them. Yet people continue to make these false connections and assumptions. I can’t help but wonder how much longer we’re going to ignore the problem. How many more whites have to suffer unjustly? Until the non-whites feel they are finally “even” with us for what those of 50-100 years ago did?

On Facebook and other sites, I often see tales of hardships pertaining to blacks and other non-whites. All kinds of people of all colors are quick to respond with sympathy. But when the tables are turned, their posts are usually met with silence. Just utter silence. Yes, I truly believe America has been scared silent. Its whites are too afraid to fight for the equality they deserve just as any other group does, and I have to ask myself… why? Blacks weren’t afraid to fight for their rights, and in the end, they got more than everybody else. They’re exempt from being charged with hate crimes, and they can have all the Black History Months they want without being called racist. Well, go out there and try to have a White History Month and see how far you get.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 2013 Not gonna have much of a blog entry this time around because there really isn’t much to update on. I got the makeup kit I won and read its instructions to Tom in Spanish, Italian, and German. I don’t yet feel comfortable reading French aloud.

Tom is continuing to have the weekends off, and I polished my nails lime green with a glitter topcoat. I really wish I wasn’t so damn blind so that applying makeup would be as easy as applying nail polish. I can’t wear glasses while doing my eyes, unlike my nails. I have a magnifier, but it’s still blurry. I never expected to have vision this bad this young. I thought I was another 10-15 years away from vision this poor.

Things are otherwise going well. We’ll be picking up the paint for the second bedroom at some point this weekend.

Well, there is one mystery to my day, actually, and that’s how the hell Molly managed to view my blog for nearly a minute and a half. The first attempt she made, she was bounced back out in seconds, as it should be. But how was she in for over a minute the second time around? I contacted the IP-blocking people. Maybe they can tell me. Harmless or not, there’s still something that makes me very uncomfortable about this cyber peeping Tom and her prying eyes always following what I’m up to.

She’s been online more and more and is checking all my blogs, including the ones I’m not using, religiously. It’s only a matter of time before the unwanted contact starts back up again. They just don’t get that no amount of time being restricted from the Internet is going to change her. As soon as she can get back online, be it after 10 minutes or 10 years, she’s back to stalking those of the past. She really, truly never will change. I always knew this. Anyone who’s gotta keep tabs on someone who dumped them years ago and who made it clear they want nothing to do with them can’t possibly be right in the head now or ever.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 14, 2013 Added some incense and a cute little figure of a tiger carrying its cub to my farm animal collection, even though tigers aren’t exactly “farm” animals. But it can still live with my cow, horse, dog, and cat.

In last night’s dream, Andy created a site dedicated to Fleetwood Mac fans. He asked me to go check it out and make sure there were no spelling errors and that all the buttons functioned properly, so I did. Upon entering the site, random Fleetwood Mac music began playing. First was a song by one of the guys, though I’m not sure what it was. Then Christine McVie comes on singing a song I’d never heard of. The only words I remember were, “Lord, give me success.”

This afternoon’s walk was beautiful. It wasn’t too cold or too hot and was partly cloudy, so I didn’t have the sun glaring in my eyes. I passed Bob on his bike along the way.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 2013 Yesterday, I ended up with two surprise wins: the makeup kit and a dual Glade fragrance warmer that came with two different scented oils.

Today, I couldn’t get online as soon as I got up and went to check for messages. Then it ran snail-slow, and I wondered, until Tom got home and reset the router, why the past always returns to haunt us. I guess, however, this has to be done with everyone’s router every few months or so.

I know I’ve said this before, but I really wish people would stop “liking” and commenting on my Facebook cover photos because they’re not private. I choose to keep my friend list private, but when people “like” or leave comments on them, that exposes them to the public. If they want to have their own accounts public, that’s fine. But I’ve chosen to keep Facebook the one place where I’m much more private as opposed to other sites, and that includes keeping my friends a mystery to outsiders.

It turns out that Bob wasn’t sawing in his garage for the fun of it, but someone else was because something was wrong. At least that was the impression I got when I saw a guy dressed in white like a technician step out of the garage, pull a mask off his face, then leave in a pickup. So whatever was going on wasn’t some project or hobby, but probably termites or something like that.

Tom told me to be thinking of what I want for my birthday, even though it’s not till the 4th. I thought of various things – a new dresser, a new palm tree for the living room that’s between 6-8 feet tall, and things like that. Then I decided I’d rather not get anything that’d be just one more thing to have to move once we recarpet in the spring. So I browsed through Amazon for unique things that are fun and decided on this rat sticker for the bedroom door. Then I decided on a sexy lady silhouette in white for the front door. And lastly, some sexy anime miniature figurines with a bondage theme, something new that would definitely – uhem – add major variety to what’s left of my doll collection. Gotta laugh trying to picture my mom’s reaction if I was still a kid and someone got them for me for my birthday or Chanukah, LOL.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 12, 2013 I must say I admire this woman on Prosebox who admitted that she not only doesn’t work due to a husband who makes a lot of money but isn’t going to apologize for it either.

Neither am I. I’m not rich by any means, but my husband makes a lot of money and I too wouldn’t need to work if I were able to. Not outside of the house, I mean. Here I work taking care of a large house and two spunky pet rats. Then there’s the laundry, and well, sometimes I even cook. :)

But the point is that just like she was making in her own post, I’m not going to feel sorry or guilty for it any more than I will for any people/subjects that I may bash in my entries. My civil rights were violated once, and believe me when I say it will only be once. My naïveté was taken advantage of back then, but that was then and this is now. I not only have just as much right to hate as I do to love, and to express myself just like any other person out there, but to live the life I see fit to live for me and not what society thinks is best suitable or in the “norm.”

I realize attitudes depend on what’s trending at the time. If it were the 50s I’d be criticized for not having kids instead of being a housewife. These days, though, society has decided I’ve done right by passing up kids, but guess what? I don’t care what society thinks. I do what I think is best for my husband and me, and like anyone else, I try to avoid what I don’t want or like in life. Now I’m not without empathy for the poor. I lived in poverty myself in the past and I’m not about to assume I never will again. If anyone’s learned that the past sometimes creeps up on us and returns to haunt us when we least expect it, it’s me. So I’ll never say never; just that I hope we’re never poor again. We’re doing all we can on our part to help see to it that we won’t be.

I can’t help what people are going to think or how they’re going to react when they read my journal, nor am I going to be responsible for their feelings. If you feel the need to flip out or take offense over what someone else wrote in their journal, then why did you bother to read it???

I also don’t get the automatic assumptions some people make when reading some comments on some Prosebox entries that I’ve read. I don’t know where some people get certain things from this, this, and that, and draw the conclusions that they sometimes draw, yet it seems many people read things into what a person is saying and see things that aren’t even there. Like assuming a woman who’s pissed off is PMSing. Well, admitting we’re depressed doesn’t automatically mean we crave attention. Being angry doesn’t mean we’re losing control. Complaining about one who’s done well doesn’t mean we’re jealous. Admitting we have regrets doesn’t mean we feel guilt. Saying we’re lonely doesn’t make us losers. Pointing out something negative can merely be an observation and doesn’t mean we’re “complainers.” Hating someone doesn’t mean we hate ourselves. Wanting something doesn’t mean we have nothing. Bashing something doesn’t mean we don’t appreciate the good. Praising something doesn’t mean we’re showing off. Admitting we don’t have as much as someone else may doesn’t mean we’re trying to make them feel guilty for what they’ve got.

Yet people seem to think some things go hand in hand together - and sure, sometimes they might - but I don’t think there are any set rules.

Later…

Time for a family and neighborhood report. Tammy's artery isn’t clogged, but they did remove some polyps from Mark and are hoping they’re not cancerous. Tammy will be in the hospital undergoing knee surgery from Monday to Thursday of next week. She will then have therapists at the house for 5 weeks following the surgery to help rehabilitate her.

I woke up to landscaping and sawing sounds. Yeah, old Bob next door was running a circular saw, from the sound of it in his garage. The SUV was parked on the street, and I could see some things he pulled out of the garage and set in the driveway. So much for the bike pump being “all” I’ll hear. I just hope to hell this isn’t a regular occurrence now that we’ve been here for 4 months, as it seems to be the time when good neighbors either move or go bad on us, whether they’ve moved in next to us or we’ve moved in next to them. Once in a while is fine, but more than once in a while would get old. Remember, their garage is just a few feet from the wall of our house. Technically, though, he has the right to do this during normal daytime hours whether I like it or not, just like I have the right to express how much reverse discrimination pisses me off even though no one wants to hear it.

Anyway, I expected it to be noisier at this time of year. Most warm climates are livelier once the winter approaches and it stays that way until the spring.

Even though they’ve been a problem too, since we’re just cursed with neighbors no matter what, I really miss having only female neighbors. They just don’t have the annoying toys males have, you know? Still, to date, they’re our quietest neighbors yet and I hope that doesn’t change.

Although I still prefer houses to condos or apartments any day, I realize that there really isn’t that much of a difference in general. What interior sounds you don’t hear are made up for in exterior sounds. Car doors make up for apartment doors, saws make up for TVs, people chatting outside make up for cabinets closing, and yard work makes up for footsteps. So unless one is out by themselves in the middle of nowhere, one always hears something no matter what they live in.

I won a $79 makeup kit, but it’s not enough to entice me back to sweeping full-time. Not without a win worth $500 or more. The timing was nice, though, as my mascara has dried up. Putting on makeup has become extremely hard for me because I’m so damn blind, so I don’t wear it much anymore anyway. Besides, I’m so damn ugly these days that not even makeup can make much of a difference.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 2013 No one on Facebook had anything to say about the article that was shared with me on 10 black youths in Brooklyn, NY who beat an innocent white couple at an intersection, calling them every white racial slur in the book in front of witnesses and the cops, yet will NOT be charged with a hate crime. Why is it that I have a feeling that if it were the other way around, people would be quick to leave sympathetic comments for the blacks and ones of condemnation for the whites? Do blacks not deserve to be held accountable for their crimes, too? I don’t understand why so many people favor, defend, and protect blacks any more than I get why they’d choose Windows computers over Macs, thus putting themselves at greater risk of trouble. We’re quick to hate the monsters that reside on the other side of the planet, but not our own homegrown enemies. WTF?

We didn’t do much yesterday other than change the rats’ cage and take a walk down to feed the ducks. Tom did a little leaf-blowing/vacuuming, too.

I have the soothing sound of a waterfall playing on the sound machine that sits on this desk because the daily buzz, buzz, buzz of the landscapers will be on any second. I’m surprised they haven’t started yet. As I’m learning, it’s an everyday thing around here at this time of year that you hear on and off all day. The waterfalls, oceans, brooks, and other forms of white noise don’t always drown it all out, but it does most of it.

What I didn’t expect to hear yesterday was the screaming of a kid here in a retirement community of all places. When I looked out the window, I saw a little girl on a bike with training wheels riding and screaming up and down the street with granny. This is the kind of shit we came here to escape. Tom doesn’t mind screaming kids, but to me, they’re so damn annoying and distracting. If they could play like civilized humans and not scream like animals, I wouldn’t give a damn, but hey, it’s better than bouncing basketballs just a few feet from our window that would go on for hours in Phoenix, so close and so loud they might as well have bounced the fucking thing off the walls of our place. Really hope, though, that kids screaming in the streets here don’t become a regular thing. Even more so I hope none move in here. This isn’t jail. They don’t come and inspect the people’s homes. So what’s to keep people from breaking the rules if they want to?

Anyway, I have a busy day ahead of me, buzzing landscapers or not, writing my book, cleaning, working out, studying languages, and more. Maybe when I get a chance to check in on social sites I won’t have to hear all about blacks, God, and Christianity. Guess ignorance really is bliss at times.

Molly started a new blog on MO, and it’s full of the same old shit – how can she live without a boyfriend, her mother controls her spending, she hates Marbridge, she’s lost weight, she’s going to the movies, walking, having her nails and toes pampered, and pissed that Alan dumped her for calling and texting him so damn much.

Thirty years old and she still doesn’t realize she doesn’t love, she SUFFOCATES. She obsesses, devours, and chokes! It’s a sad and scary indicator that nothing’s changed with her but her lack of free time, though she does seem to have more time to play online lately. She’s not peeking in on me as much, but she still does here and there.

Found Kathy on Twitter, and it was all I could do to keep from flinging one insult after another at her, but I didn’t want Alison to see it, so I didn’t. “I hope I can stay troll-free here,” she said. And why should she be so privileged? She doesn’t let others remain troll-free when she can come at them anonymously like the coward that she is.

Still a spoiled little princess, too. Getting baby showers and all kinds of things given to her and done for her that Tom and I would never have gotten had God answered my baby prayers like He did hers. Oh well. No use sweating human crap like her and Molly. At least Kim isn’t stalking me as closely as I thought she was. Still, even though I’m glad as hell we never had kids in the end, it bothers me to not only have the choice made for me but that God can favor some people over others just like it bothers me when some parents favor one kid over another or the law favors one color over another.

Later…

Got my first negative comment on my new MD account and wonder if it’s someone either connected to the trolls or maybe someone like Noone. Although the email address looked legit, I couldn’t verify it or trace it to any other account.

Molly’s still whining in her blog and starting to get comments that I’m suspecting could be from herself if they’re not from Kim. I don’t think they’re from Kim, though, because nothing came in on Ask for over a day when I last allowed for anonymous questions, and because nothing’s been left on my MO blog, although she won’t contact me on trackable sites. Whoever it was asked why I still stalk her and Molly’s supposed answer was “I don’t know.” Why would anyone think I stalk her? That question made me think Kim might’ve asked, trying to throw suspicion off her own self. If I had to guess, though, I’d say it’s just Molly asking her own crazy self these questions. But if that’s so, why does she think I’m stalking her and not Kim, Kathy, or someone else?

Finally got a doctor’s appointment made, but it’s not until January.

I feel very sorry for those affected by the typhoon in the Philippines as well as others who are less fortunate than I am. However, I don’t think it should be up to those who are doing well, especially us Americans, to help pick up the pieces for them. Enough of our money has been carted off to other countries as it is. We need our own money. There are enough people right here in the US that are in need. As a country, we should be taking care of our own first and foremost. I know that’s not how it always works since the government left us for dead a couple of years ago while sending millions overseas in an attempt to kiss ass for whatever, but that’s the way it should be nonetheless.

Broke up my walk today and in two different directions. I headed right when I went around the block the first time, then left the second time around. A pickup came and parked on the street in front of one of the houses Tom looked at when we were house hunting, and a young woman with two little girls hopped out. One was yesterday’s bike screamer and I saw the little pink bike in the carport. In fact, I’ve actually seen it before yesterday.

They had in-state plates, so I’d say that given the presence of the bike and how often I’ve been seeing them, they do live here. I could’ve sworn I heard screaming last weekend or the weekend before but wrote it off to the kids in the mainstream being unusually loud. Mom probably can’t afford to fend for all 3 of them as seems to be the case for most moms today. The fathers give a damn about as much as a cockroach does. But… they’re not next to us, so I don’t care so long as they don’t make a regular habit of hitting the streets. I don’t think they will. At least not unsupervised and for long periods of time. They had to be only about 2 and 4 years old. I just hope their stay is only temporary and that more people don’t go breaking rules like this if it’s not.

I’m just so glad we don’t live across the street! When I was by the houses that border the outskirts, I heard a couple of big loud dogs. How terrible it must be at night when sounds carry easier, cuz you know how the people are here – if they don’t have to have indoor pets, they won’t.

Anyway, as I was coming up the street I saw next door pull in and thought to myself, let me guess. You’re going to park in the carport instead of the garage like you usually did in the past, and you're going to slam doors, right? Well, they did park in the carport, but they didn’t give me the 4-5 slams at a time I’ve been getting till about 4 hours later. Also, they went somewhere after slamming doors. When they return they’ll probably hit the garage for the night.

They’re still the quietest neighbors we’ve ever had. Even so, Andy says his ATTACHED neighbors are not only very quiet still but often take off for days at a time. Now why can’t ours do that? They went on vacation but they had someone living there while they were gone. They were quiet too, but still, it’d be nice if they took off for a few days here and a few days there. Or at least were still working. However, if I could rarely have working neighbors in the mainstream, why would I have them in a retirement community?

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 10, 2013 Got my hair cut yesterday, and I absolutely love it! The girl did a great job, though it wasn’t Diana. It was a girl named Theresa instead. She got it amazingly straight too, with just a slight flip on the ends. Today it’s curly, but still looks good. I was going to just go for a wash and cut, but she recommended a blow dry too, since this kind of cut needs to be dry to see exactly what it’s going to look like and if it needs any fine-tuning. It’s called triangular layers. She left the sides as they were but layered the back. It’s just brushing my shoulders now. The layering of the back is to keep it from poofing out in a funny way on the bottom like it did the last time Tom and I cut it to the shoulders and had it all one length.

She recommended I have the relaxer done sometime and insists it really does work. Even on hair that’s coarser and curlier than mine. For about $80, I could have a wash, cut, and relaxer. Maybe this summer I’ll consider it. Sarah says it’s a good deal.

For now, I love having short hair, as it is so much easier to live with. It’s easier to wash and quicker to dry. It doesn’t clog drains or vacuum brushes as much, nor does it get in the way when I’m working out.

I even dared to post a few pics of my fabulous hair on Facebook despite how horrible the rest of me looks. I realize, though, like never before that nothing – nothing – will ever get the weight off. Diets work, but simply aren’t sustainable. The 1000-calorie thing day after day, week after week, month after month, just isn’t doable. And so now I am ready to let the world see how fat I’ve become. Should I really give a shit anyway? I’m nothing new or unique. Most people my age are heavy, and I personally find it has its advantages that being petite and “hot” didn’t have.

I’m glad the girl talked me out of cutting my bangs. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with that and asked her for her opinion. She said that since I feel I have wide jaws, covering my forehead would only accentuate the largest, roundest part of my face. Keeping them long gives off the illusion that my face is more oval-shaped. It’s also good that I kept them because those would have to be trimmed more often than the rest of it. We only get half an inch of hair growth per month, so I can go 3-4 months between salon visits. Bangs need trimming every 6 weeks or so, and I’d be tempted to do them myself, and I wouldn’t always do a great job.

We popped some strips off the wallboards in the second bedroom and spackled the grooves. It shrunk a bit overnight, but because we plan to add texture to the paint, it shouldn’t be noticeable once the walls are done.

Tom has 4 days off during the Thanksgiving holiday, during which we’ll finish the spackling and then do the painting. After that room’s done, we’ll know if it’s worth popping the strips and all that.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 9, 2013 Got a busy day ahead of me with a haircut scheduled for 11:00, walls to start prepping for painting, a book to write, and more.

Tom used the treadmill, which is in the living room, as I was going to bed a couple of nights ago, and I never felt or heard a thing in there with the sound machine running. In the trailer, I’d have felt every step he took vibrating throughout the place no matter what I had going for sound machines.

Where Tuesday was insanely noisy for a retirement community, Wednesday and Thursday were okay, and yesterday got a little annoying with landscaping and vehicles. Next door’s getting more door-slammy with their SUV. Gee, we must be coming up on that fourth month. Still, they never could or would get as noisy as other neighbors we’ve had, and if they did, they would be tossed out of here in time. They’ve been parking in the carport more lately as opposed to the garage. Then I hear a few scattered door slams but never see them go anywhere.

I ran into Bob on my walk yesterday. He’s gotta be closer to 70. He said the trip was good, and I told him we’re going to Hawaii in January. He said that’s a good time to go. By the next time I circled the block, he was running what I’m guessing is the pump to blow up his bike tires. He ran this for about 15 minutes. Although I still worry he’s going to start using the garage more often for loud projects, a saw or a drill wouldn’t have been as steady of a sound as I heard, and they did say that’d be all I’d hear. So no real worries there. Hey, I knew the bastard above was going to make sure I didn’t get working neighbors, not that there are many still working here anyway.

It takes me 5 minutes to briskly walk around the circle. I only did 4 rounds yesterday, but at least it wasn’t as boring as I thought it’d be going around the same block over and over again. It’s a good way to get exercise in the fresh air yet still remain close to home.

Just when I was wondering if Molly would ever check my MO blog, she not only did that, but she created another account there as well. She’s only made one entry about how well she did at bowling. Next comes the weight, and then the people she hates at Marbridge, I suppose. Her spending 20 minutes in my LJ blog, which hasn’t been public in a while, then seeking me out on MO tells me nothing’s changed with her just like I always suspected. As soon as she’s back home where she doesn’t have as much structure, rules, routine, and supervision, she’ll be back to haunt me regularly. This is part of why I keep private any blogs she does know about and block her from those she does know about. I’m back to being unable to log into MO, so I’m done there since they’re just shutting down in a few months anyway.

Some people think it’s uncool to say negative things about a person in their journal/diary, but that’s what they’re for. A journal is a place to write about our experiences and the people involved in them, and I see no need to hold back where Molly’s concerned. I’m not doing anything wrong, providing sensitive info, or making any threats. She supposedly tries to read my blogs to “make sure I’m not talking about her.” Oh, I’m talking, alright, when she gives me a reason to, but she won’t be reading. Not unless she finds my second MD blog, and if she did I wouldn’t know about it because that block is untrackable. I’ve kept my Prosebox account mostly secret because that’s my place to write more freely about those I actually do care about but whose feelings I wouldn’t want to hurt, say if I said their hair looked funny or their spelling was atrocious or something.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 2013 It took me about 17 minutes to make it down to the front entrance on yesterday’s walk, and about 20 to make it back home at a very brisk pace. Having used a treadmill in the past, I can say I was probably walking a little over 3 MPH. I wasn’t out of breath when I returned, but I was tired. Is that normal for someone my age? My hips and legs were also stiff, but I feel fine today. What I like about walking outdoors vs. indoors is that I can’t just give up any time. Down at the entrance, I can’t say, “Ok, I’m done. I’ve had enough,” because I gotta get back home. I like walking out there even though it’s not doing me any good. Meaning that it’s not helping my weight at all. It helps with other things, though, so it’s not a completely wasted effort. I’d go to a doctor and hopefully find out what’s keeping the weight on, only it seems that all the doctors in NorCal either aren’t seeing new patients or they’ve got bad reviews. Maybe it’s just not meant to be. After all, it’s been since the 90s since I’ve had a regular check-up and I’ve survived this long. Other than dentists, ears, and sleep docs, I haven’t been to anyone for anything.

Anyway, I’m not sure if I’ll go out today or wait and go out tomorrow with Tom. I’ll probably take a different route either way.

Norma asked if they get to see a pic of my haircut when it’s done, but IDK. Do I really want to shock and disgust people with how huge I’ve become? I know I shouldn’t care. After all, getting this big wasn’t part of the plan and there’s nothing I can do about it. That’s why it REALLY bothers me when heavy people are portrayed as pigs in books and movies. Yes, some people eat themselves heavily, but not all of us sit on our asses lazy as hell and stuffing ourselves every chance we get.

There’s one thing I can say for sure, though. Praying, dieting, and exercising may not get the weight off, but having a high-protein diet definitely helps curb hunger more than when I have starchy foods that are low in protein like bread, potatoes, pasta, and rice. I just wish there were more low-carb foods than meat and eggs!

Last night I had a dream I was back at the dentist I had in Glendale, AZ before we left Phoenix. I was very attracted to the assistant that worked there named Melanie. She was a tall, dark-eyed brunette. Today she would be in her early 40s and if she’s like most people over 40, she’s no longer skinny. In the dream, she was still young and hot, only she was blond.

What I’m almost positive about was Molly asking me the same old shit she usually asks me – how’s my husband, am I happy, do I worry about the future – all classic Molly questions. If it was her, though, then why didn’t she visit any of my blogs or at least try to, and why has she stopped tweeting?

I asked her to stop so I could flush out Kim (who might not be stalking me as much as I once thought), but she’ll probably deny it’s her even if it is.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 7, 2013 LOL, talk about a dream turning into a nightmare. Nane came over to "watch" me while Tom was on a business trip. She said my hair looked sexy (in real life it's getting cut off this weekend). She handed me pink daisies and said I lost a lot of weight (in real life I still have enough rolls to build a mini roller-coaster for miniature people). So I throw my arms around her neck and say, "It's so nice to finally meet you!" We begin to kiss and who should ruin it all but my dead mother, who then storms into the room to say we "gotta hit the road" and to hurry up and get ready and that she doesn't want to have to tell me again. :(

Definitely gotta step up to a stronger prescription for my glasses over the next few months. When I first got my bifocals, things were crystal clear off in the distance. Not anymore. They seem to be noticeably worse every 6 months or so. How am I going to see even with glasses in another 20 years???

The older I get, the less sure I become about certain things. I was so sure there was a God, then I was sure there wasn’t, then I felt certain that while a God probably created the universe and the people in it since many things of such intricate design hardly seem happenstance, and then He abandoned us, which would explain why so much shit goes on in the world. Now I don’t know what to think.

Same with the afterlife. I was sure it existed and what it was all about. Now I’m not sure about anything.

There is an endless supply of possibilities and without actually meeting any God face to face or dying and then discovering an afterlife, if there is one, I can’t say for sure what’s what. I don’t think any of us can. Seeing definitely helps us to believe. If I weren’t psychic, then I would probably have a hard time believing in such a thing. Perhaps my lack of ghostly experiences is why I’m unsure as to whether or not I believe in ghosts, though I guess that if psychics can exist, so can they.

Gotta get on with today’s chapter and then the cleaning and all that. Want to wait till the sun’s up before I go out for my walk. I’d like an extra 10° too.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 2013 It’s oddly quiet out there today. Where I expected the usual slew of blowers, mowers, traffic, and car door slams, it’s been a fairly quiet day so far. It’s not even noon yet, though, so things are subject to change.

I didn’t wake up as sore as I thought I would from yesterday’s workout, but I skipped today and just did my housecleaning and my usual online activities. Tomorrow I’ll get back out there. I just have to remember to head back before I start getting too tired. I thought of circling the block so that if anything goes wrong, I’m always close to home, but that’d be boring going round and round the same block. Most of the other streets are straight lines with dead-ends branching off of them.

A day off here and there won’t kill me anyway, since more isn’t better and the scale is going to eventually climb because I’m no longer severely restricting calories. I’d like to have one of those bodies that is made thinner by exercise, but that’s just not me. Not at this age. I still love how working out makes me fit and gives me energy, so just because I stopped dieting doesn’t mean I’m going to quit working out any more than it means that I’m going to start stuffing myself either. I eat when I’m hungry and that’s that.

I’m now up to 10,053 words with my book. Thinking about how I have nearly 40,000 to go makes me want to beat my head against the wall, so I try not to.

I appreciate Aly’s wonderful editing job on my book. She’s been providing feedback and catching those little mistakes we tend to make when we crank out so much so fast.

I’m so glad that I no longer share any mutual friends with those I am no longer friends with. It’s nice not “accidentally” having to hear what past friends, that I’d like to remain in the past, are up to. I simply don’t care what’s going on in their lives. I want them to remain forever a mystery to me. I’m sure there are others out there who can relate to the appreciation of these severed ties.

Gonna make an appointment to get my hair cut this weekend as long as nothing else comes up. I don’t mind going to that same girl in Walmart. She did what I told her to do, after all. It’s just that I’m sick of long hair. It’s a pain maintaining it when it’s so thick and curly. Even if it wasn’t, I’m just sick of it. It’s always in the way. I want it to my shoulders and I’ll probably cut my bangs back, too. I’m sick of it being in my face unless I secure it back, and all I want is just enough to gather into a little stub of a ponytail for when I’m working out.

I called Tammy, and we talked before the cell quit on me. She’s not doing well at all. She wanted to discuss her usual subjects - her health and how much she hates Lisa. They’re holding off the lung transplant for now, but her knee surgery will be called off if her newest medical curse pans out to anything serious. The doctor said there was blood in her carotid artery. I was confused at first, and well, apparently you’re not supposed to hear it. So now she has to deal with that and see how serious the blockage is. She’s also at risk of incurable infections since her immune system is shot and she’s become immune to antibiotics. There’s also the stress of Mark’s heart over their heads too, never knowing if today might be his last day.

After a year of silence, Lisa called her, and they got into a screaming match and hung up on each other. She said she told Lisa she “never did anything wrong to her and how could she turn on her while she now sees Bill as the best damn thing after what he did to her?”

That’s EXACTLY what I could’ve asked her 14 years ago. How could she defend Bill while turning on me???

She still blames it on no self-esteem, of course, and not being able to just up and leave so easily with 3 kids. I understand her, but I don’t. Sure it would be tough to leave with kids. Sometimes it can be tough even without them. I don’t have any kids, but where could I go if I suddenly had to leave Tom or he died? They’ll never reinstate my disability no matter how disabled any number of doctors say I am cuz the screwy system says I didn’t work enough years to qualify. Fucked up or not, that’s how it is. So I can sort of understand that part.

But she has done things wrong, and low self-esteem is no reason to shit on others any more than what happened a century ago gives blacks the right to shit on whites like so many of them are doing these days. Many Jews’ ancestors had it rough too, but they’re not running around playing the “Jew card” when they can’t get their way. I don’t understand why so many blacks and whites alike are so quick to come to blacks’ defense any more than I get why Tammy would defend Bill’s ass no matter how beaten and brainwashed she might’ve been. I know it’s not always cool to bash what I don’t understand. Many don’t get how/why I can’t simply set my alarm and get up at the same time every day, but that doesn’t make it any less true. So maybe abuse really can fuck with your mind in a way that can make you do the craziest of things. I wouldn’t know cuz I would’ve fought back and left the instant I smelled this kind of trouble in anyone I was with prior to meeting Tom.

Tammy's not kidding about Lisa’s perception of Bill, though. When I went to block her on Facebook so she couldn’t include me in any family drama like she did a few years ago with my parents, I pushed back, stunned, just staring at her page and said, “Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me. Just fucking kidding me.” But sure enough, sprawled across her cover photo was a picture of her and Bill smiling happily at each other – Bill, as in the guy who abused her and her mother – that appeared to have been taken at some kind of event (bastard’s second wedding?).

Anyway, Sarah wants nothing to do with Lisa, Tammy says, but Becky’s chosen to attend Lisa’s wedding cuz she’s “family.” Well, I didn’t tell Becky this, as I don’t want to get involved other than what Tammy tells me and because Becky has a right to make her own decisions, but there’s more to relationships than just blood. Just because one may be related to us doesn’t mean they’re good for us to have in our lives. Lisa truly is disturbed. She made this very obvious to me with the way she lashed out at me. Not Molly/Kim kind of disturbed, where she’s on disability and can’t distinguish fact from fiction, but she’s dishonest, accusatory, emotional, and bipolar. I’ll definitely be sure to post this in my semi-secret blog only!

Regardless of anything Bill’s done, for Tammy to say she’s never done anything wrong to Lisa is pure bullshit. Even she’s admitted she’s made mistakes where she was concerned. All parents fuck up at times. I don’t have to be one myself to know that, and if anyone wasn’t ready to have kids or in the right frame of mind for them 30 and even 20 years ago, it was Tammy. I didn’t know this, but Mom once told her to let Larry raise Lisa. That’s something she would say. Bad mother or not, for a parent to pit one kid against the other like she did with Larry against her and her against me, is utterly appalling.

I feel bad for her while I don’t. I’m sorry she’s suffering, but remember how bad I suffered on account of her supporting her abuser once upon a time, even if it was in a different and indirect way. I also get sick of hearing the same damn things, sort of like I do when I’m on various sites and have to hear all about God and the Black Love trip we’ve been on since the L.A. Riots. Well, God and blacks may be loved, but I still have mixed emotions about her. I’m just glad our parents and Larry are gone. Three fewer people to make trouble for the others, though Dad didn’t usually make trouble. Instead, he allowed trouble to happen.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 5, 2013 Dover Gray, Mark Twain Gray Brick, and Cathedral Stone. Those are the three hideous shades of gray my dear pal Andy has painted his living room and door in. We’re close enough friends, having known each other all our lives, that we can rag on each other in a fun way when one does something the other finds laughable or gross. To me, gray paint is as bad as pink carpet is to him. Gray has always been my least favorite color.

I just hope this is the last of the string of curses his washer has brought him. The last one was the painter dripping paint on his printer or something like that.

As for our own walls, Tom already picked up some wallboard joint compound for the second bedroom, which is where we’re going to start this weekend. That room’s still going in lavender, but I decided against a patterned paintbrush overlaying it with pink roses. I’d be too afraid I’d hit the ceiling or not make straight enough strokes with the thing. Gonna do the laundry room in pale pink, instead, and the master bedroom will still be mint green while the kitchen is done in deep turquoise and off-white throughout the rest of the place. It’s going to be done a little at a time. We’re going to add a fine texture to the paint so we won’t have to sand. It’ll add about $4 to each gallon of paint, but will be worth it. We’re going to leave the smooth wood at the peak of the cathedral ceilings in the living room as is. It contrasts nicely with the lighter colors and I don’t want either of us climbing up that high anyway. That’s gotta be about 12’.

Over the last weekend, we washed the bedroom and bathroom drapes. Not the raspberry drapes I just bought, but the sheer inner ones that have been here and that provide privacy when the outer drapes are pulled back.

We also rearranged the living room a bit. The couch is now facing the TV, which means it’s now in the middle of the room. We pulled the treadmill out of the corner and by the front windows where the couch used to be. It looks much better this way, but now the empty corner where the treadmill used to be is calling for a tall fake palm, banana, yucca, or cherry tree of some kind. That and a new couch/recliner are still down the road as we have other things to focus on now that are more important.

I love this house’s heater too, and the way it blows hot air for shorter amounts of time than warm air for longer periods of time. Just wish they’d stop with the damn landscaping! That really, really spoils the daytime peace around here, though I’d still rather that crap in our own spacious home than Jesse’s crap in a tiny rental.

Next door’s got me a little nervous parking in the carport now instead of the garage. I hope it’s because they’re going back out and not because they’re going to make some racket in the garage. I still worry about him becoming a bit of a workshop junkie. It usually seems to be within 4-6 months of moving in next to quiet people or them moving in next to us that they go to hell. Then again, we were always next to renters and that right there usually makes a big difference.

No workshopping for old Bob after all. He just pulled out.

So back to those darn annoying landscapers. I asked one of the guys when I went out walking if they made him do that every day and he said pretty much. They have 160 acres to tend to and it’s pretty much an all-day thing every day for a few months during the fall. Really makes me think harder about soundproofing some of these windows (you can supposedly do this by adding a second set of windows and there’s a company that does this for this reason). This has been going on since 7:50 and it’s not even noon yet. But would it block the sound or just soften it? If you can still hear it anyway, so what? Still, while it’s dead quiet at night, I had no idea it’d be this noisy in the daytime. In some ways, the Jes pest’s place was quieter.

I enjoyed my walk, though due to my hips not being used to the continual and brisk motion these days, they’re a bit sore. But that’s why I added variety to my routine besides strength training vids. I jogged some of the ways too, as usual. I went further than I did yesterday and was out there for almost 40 minutes. I really got to admire all the different houses and the way they have their yards and patios decorated with an assortment of trees, flowers, wind chimes, and mini statues. You can definitely tell old people live here. Younger people wouldn’t appreciate their property as much or how it looked.

During my walk, I saw two cats and some playful squirrels. The only real annoyance was the landscapers, of course, working all along the road that runs along the back. Maybe I’ll take the iPod next time. It’s amazing how many people are up and about that early.

I took a walk down a dead-end to one of the houses we considered that was going for just 10K at the time we only had 3K saved up. This was when the market was really down and things were way cheap. The house is only a couple of years older than this, but is bigger and has 3 bedrooms. Had we gotten that place, it would’ve been quieter for traffic and landscaping, but who knows about the individual people as it has houses all around it, unlike this place.

Sugar was so cute earlier. I forgot to latch the door, so as usual, the little devil busted loose, but Romeo stayed home. I was sitting on the stool eating a bowl of cereal at the counter when I heard the packing paper rustling that he loves to play in (and sleep in). Then he came over and ate some of my cereal with me. He had 4 pieces of Captain Crunch while I ate my share, haha.

Molly hit my LJ blog last night. I asked Aly if she went there in hopes of my making it public, or if she just likes to appear on my tracker. Aly said she supposedly does it to make sure I’m not talking about her. rolls eyes Gee, that’ll stop me.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 4, 2013 It’s still too cold and dark to go out walking, but in about an hour, the sun will be up and warming things up nicely. I wouldn’t mind walking in the dark, as I wouldn’t feel the least bit threatened by anything or anyone, but not when it’s down in the 40s. I want it to be at least 55°F when I go out there.

If there’s anything good about being on a rotating schedule, it’s the variety of workouts I can do. If I were always on days, I’d be tempted to just go out and walk except for when it was really hot, because that’d be the easiest thing to do. Walking neglects my arms and abs, though. Being sometimes on nights, however, I can do various exercise routines indoors that add good variety to my regimen.

I was notified on Blogger by someone in the UK that MyOpera is shutting down and to export anything I may want. I read an article about it, and sure enough, they’ll be shut down on March 1st. This is one reason I have my stuff published on multiple sites; because I know that any site can shut down at any time for any reason. I guess they’re having both security and financial issues. I don’t need anything exported, though, due to it being on other sites, so they can take what’s there with them. While it’s kind of sad, I won’t miss MO much. I got sick of the spam, scams, and unwanted friend requests. I also don’t like how I can’t backdate entries there.

Andy was saying that he was worried he hurt my feelings by saying he didn’t want to read my book because he doesn’t read books and is only interested in magazines. Also, he doesn’t have as much free time as he may appear to have just because he can check into Ask several times a day. For the sake of avoiding possible home invasions, he doesn’t like anyone to know his schedule, so that’s why he doesn’t usually mention what he’s up to online.

I can totally relate, and I assured him of this, too. People think I have more free time than I actually have because I work at home. Also, we can’t help what does and doesn’t interest us. I like books and movies but don’t care for TV, magazines, celebs, or those I don’t personally know, no matter how talented and rich they may be.

My fellow writing buddy is reading my story, plus those who are interested in reading it in various places I’m sharing it at. As always, I write for me first, be it journals or stories, and any reader is an afterthought that I see as a bonus. I appreciate anyone who’s interested in or inspired by my writing, even if it’s not a must.

I also realize that being older and wiser than I was in 2000 doesn’t necessarily make me invincible to potential trouble. However unlikely it may be, the possibility of once again being victimized, even if it’s in a different way for different reasons and by different people, is still there. And maybe just like last time, God will see to it that I am totally defenseless and unable to fight back. This time, though, my own voice will be heard because if anything ever happens to me again, there’ll be what the “victims” say, what the media says, and then there’ll be the truth. Well, keeping a public journal is a good way of sharing the real me and telling my story, even if I don’t share every single little detail, so here lies the truth, now and in the future. :)

Had a happy dream last night for once. It was a nice change after the usual negative/weird dreams, though there were a couple of weird things about it. It took place in our second Arizona house, and we were apparently expecting some goodies in the mail. It was a Saturday, and I was saying to Tom that I hoped we’d get these things in the mail that day so we wouldn’t have to wait until Monday. Well, one of the “goodies” consisted of an old-fashioned audiocassette of some music. I was so excited to get it too, and happily skipped around the house with it, glad we didn’t have to wait till Monday after all. I also got a purse with dangling palm tree charms, but I have no idea what Tom got.

Chapter 4 brings my book up to 6714 words total.

Later…

Had a very cold half-hour walk. Makes me wish I was in Florida at this time of year. If I were, I’d be walking in the middle of the night like I will be in the summer here. Yahoo said it was 37°F and our thermometer said 48°F. I believe Yahoo. Jim, the 6:00 man, rounded the corner as I was crossing the street, and we waved to each other. Although cold, the walk was great. I lightly jogged a bit, too. I did go see my ducks, but they didn’t ambush me like last time. I think that as long as they don’t hear/see food being served, they won’t do that.

This place is gonna be great for bike riding when I get a new bike! Anyway, my heart rate was in the 130s when I returned.

The cleaning is done, today’s chapter is written, and now I think I’ll study languages. I alternate between two different languages every other day. Yesterday was Spanish and Italian review, so today’s French and German. Might as well do it now before the traffic and landscapers get going out there.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 3, 2013 Gotta work out and shower soon, then it’s on to Chapter 3 of my book. Since giving up on trying to lose weight, I expected it to start climbing, even though I’m working out every day, but it has stayed the same. Fine with me.

Norma posted a picture of Nana Bella with her sister Sophie, Norma’s mother, circa 1925. Oh, what pitiful hairstyles they had, but it was so cool to see. Even though she was only around 15 at the time, I recognized which one was Nana. She lived in California when I was born in ’65, so she was mostly a stranger until she had a stroke and came to live with us when I was around 12. By 17, she was gone.

My flip-flops with the 1½-inch heel arrived and fit perfectly. I wanted a pair that consisted of rubber and vinyl so they’d be water-friendly while at the beaches in Hawaii and the pool there as well as here.

I also got flavored coffee – fudge, cinnamon, caramel, and blueberry.

The completion of Chapter 3 makes over 5000 words so far of my new book.

I just went and set these clocks back an hour before I could forget.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 2013 I now have just over 3300 words of my new book written! I’m always on a roll in the beginning. It’s keeping the story going I have trouble with. Guess that’s why I do short stories. Short stories for those with short attention spans. :-) The beginning and the end of the story are always the easiest for me. I’m not using dictation for the book, of course, because it’s not accurate enough. I use it for messages, and that’s about it. Another thing I hate about it is that it takes forever to launch.

Tammy gave me some medical input since she’s not only had tons of medical problems herself but some training as well. She’s not an RN, but she’s… she’s… well, I don’t know what her proper title would be, actually, but she knows more than I do.

Regarding Tammy's health issues, Andy was saying that while he respects the fact that she’s my sister and all that, he has no sympathy for her. He feels that she’s basically getting what she deserves for being the vindictive bitch she can be. After all, she has not only screwed me over in the past but also her daughter. If you can mess over your own flesh and blood, you can mess over anybody. He doesn’t consider her trustworthy, and while I hate to admit it, I don’t trust her 100% either. I would’ve also been THRILLED, while I sat in a cold hard jail cell 13 years ago, to know she would one day suffer as she has and still is. After all, I’m the one who put the spell on her to begin with, not that I’d expect those who don’t know me well to believe it. I’ll only be sharing this entry with my closest friends (or non-Googlable sites she doesn’t know I’m on) because the last thing I need is for her to see it. But yeah, the few who know me well would probably say my rage is what cast the negative energy upon her. The fire starter without the fire, remember? The problem is that I can’t call it off once a spell has been cast. I just don’t know how.

I still struggle with mixed emotions where she’s concerned. I’m not as pissed and as bitter as I used to be, but let’s just say I’m still hesitant, and I know I have to tread lightly. I am always careful and cautious with her. She wouldn’t hesitate to come and get us or fly us to her if we were suddenly homeless and starving on the streets, which is more than I could say for most people who had the means to help us. But God help me should I ever piss her off again, and you know what? God WOULDN’T help me. He has proven time and time again that HE has NO problem with others messing me over. He sat back and let my mother abuse me as a child, so the last thing He gives a damn about is what anyone gets in mind to do to me as a grown adult.

This is someone who lashes out for the wrong reasons. I never in a million years would’ve expected her to turn on me for letting her abusive ex have it. Who the hell in their right minds defends their perps? She wasn't scared of him, after all, though she did claim to be somewhat brainwashed. IDK, poor self-esteem and the belief that she deserved the abuse and that that was all she knew still seems like a piss poor excuse to me, but I will admit I’ve never been in her situation either. We’ve led totally different lives and are totally different people with different beliefs, tastes, and interests.

It’d be fine if she only knew how to contact me online. Then I could just block her or not use sites I couldn’t block her on. But she has our address and our phone numbers. I don’t know that there’s necessarily anything she could do with that info if she pissed me off enough to make me dump her and bring out her vengeful side, but I also hope to never find out either. I know a helluva lot more than I did in 2000 (like not answering the door to the damn pigs or thinking the truth would set me free), and therefore I would be a lot harder to trick, deceive, and manipulate. As I learned the hard way, never touch anything the police hand you. That’s how the welfare bum’s pig pal got my prints onto the evidence he falsified. The worst she could do, I guess, would be to make bogus claims of me making threatening phone calls or writing threatening letters, but without my voice on tape or her ability to produce a letter, she’d have nothing on me. So honestly, I don’t see what she could do with our address, but hey, I’m only human and no one’s 100% foolproof.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 1, 2013 NaNoWriMo has begun! It’s kind of exciting. Don’t know if I’ll hit the 50K, but I’m gonna give it a try.

Gonna breeze through this entry so I can get started. Want to try to get in about 2K words today.

The monthly newsletter was delivered, and we were listed as one of the newcomers to be welcomed. I guess they do this every few months. Also, the house across the street is pending. Tom said Brenda and someone else were there for hours the other day, and since that’s a bit long for a showing, he figured she was overseeing a home inspection.

Sometimes I feel like we should take advantage of all that the clubhouse has to offer, but we’re both so busy with other things. Besides, we really did come here to live and not to socialize. Still, one of those painting classes may be fun if I had more free time. I dabbled in oil painting back in the 90s, and it was a messy pain in the ass, but kind of fun. Yes, it’s true, folks. I can draw and paint, though I haven’t done it in years.

I’ve really come to like our oven. I like how I can hear the gas softly hiss and then stop when it’s preheated.

Had a dream last night that Andy’s sister Marla suddenly lived just minutes from us. Andy was to fly out to visit her and asked that I meet him there. I did, but Marla and I barely talked other than to say hello and goodbye because there were hundreds of guests. Andy and I could barely talk as it was cuz so many people kept coming up to him wanting to chat.

Once I was back home, I emailed him to say I sent Marla a message on Facebook thanking her for dinner and saying she was a fabulous cook with a beautiful home. I enclosed a copy for him to give to her in case the message didn’t go through.

[thatonesquintern13]

episode eight - lovefool:

• the door to the house being unlocked even though no one is home is very small town country accurate btw

• present kat listening to her past parents fight as if she doesn’t have enough trauma

• “damn” number… 5?

• “byron’s gonna stay with us…. on the couch,” yes dell no one thought otherwise

• “you broke and entered!?” the door was unlocked!

• dell and colton did deserve the fairytale romance!!! im on team change the past for them

• hehe rita (subtitles are telling me her name is actually reida??? but that can’t be right) and joyce and jude the theater owners coming to see if new guy really is staying with dell 🤭 girlhood really is forever!

• i know those four ladies loved the barbie movie

• alice playing poker with the olds !!! and then beating their asses lmaoooo

• do we know who the new owner of the theater is? i don’t remember. feels like that’s gonna come back for us later though

• but anyways lesbian kiss !! on hallmark!

• OMG WAIT I FORGOT PRESENT NICK DOES SHOW UP AHAHAAHA

• kat and alice talking about nick just like the good ol days 🤪

• “you married your first love and mine is doomed before it’s even started” yeah girlie idk what to tell you 😭

• (it’s giving “my first girlfriend turned into the moon” “that’s rough buddy”)

• i am still so amazed at the casting for the babies and presents

• forgot the whole reason kat sings is bc they all go out

• alice living the moment kat just remembered 🥺

• “you still haven’t convinced your dad to get the internet?” so silly to think about.

• “i know, it’s like we’re living in different times” subtle alice

• it’s really funny to think about alice and baby nick never seeing each other but still being “together” bc these days people will break up with someone if they don’t text back within seconds. alice was literally gone for months and nick was still like “my gf 🫶🏽”

• it’s also so cool that baby nick and elliot were actually friends! noah fence to elliot but nick was kinda a hottie cool kid 😭 and cool that they stayed in touch

• poor baby nick about to get his heart broken ): wait girl THAT’S why he didn’t meet you! you broke his heart for the first time!!! also bc it’s been 20 years whatever whatever

• “hell” number?? 3?

• so new guy was a war journalist in afghanistan! and was married!

• rip nick and alice </3

• kat and elliot talking about how tragic nick and kat are in both decades

• not the pager

• “you’ll understand one day, el. when you’re in love” TALK ABOUT TRAGIC

• ooh the cut from baby elliot drinking the slush to present elliot drinking the beer 🤌🏽 cinematography

• “speaking of relationships… do you remember our friend alice.” 😭

• “doesnt ring a bell. but there have been so many women from my illustrious past. maybe she just didn’t stand out.” foot. in. mouth.

• would be funny if kat just started attacking him after that idk

• hehe nick signing kat up to singggg 🤭

• oh hi alanis

• chyler KILLING THE VOCALS!!! (breathe (2am) grey’s anatomy musical episode you will always be famous)

• alanis morissette you learn is certainly A Choice to sing at an open mic

• nick is ENGAGED

• “i finally decided to take a page out of your book. put down some roots, commit.” “my book? i think you’re forgetting my marriage fell apart…” “well, that wasn’t quite what i was talking about, or rather, who. *looks to kat*” yup yup yup

• katelliot saying goodnight on the front porch and there’s t e n s i o n 🤭

• “come on…. would you just. kiss me already?” SCREAMING

• some ships only get fanfic with this kind of dialog btw like???

• “i told you! i would do it wh-” “when the moment is perfect, i know”

• and now she’s mad that he hasn’t kissed her and she’s losing everything she’s ever believed about love 😭😭😭

• we flipped the script so fast

• mother daughter hair brushing is always so sweet 🥺

• even when kat is telling alice that nick is engaged /:

• imagine breaking up with your first love and the next day finding out they’re engaged 🫠

• i don’t like when dell and colton fight 😭

• past dell chopping wood cut to present dell chopping wood confused me SO MUCH the first time i watched this. LOL

• “the day i slow down, is the day i die” so. southern. of her.

• new guy and dell is like rebecca pearson and miguel. you’ll never be jack pearson, new guy!!!

• oh yeah present kat jumping in the back of colton’s truck! foreshadowing? 😗

• ooh the mysterious hotel!

• colton! hired! a private! investigator!!! he’s a good man!!!

• the PI also can’t find anything about jacob ):

• new guy saying he’d like to kiss present dell (🙄) is literally the place where i was like, “oh. well. i guess he isn’t jacob then…” during my first watch lmaooo

• but he’s still suspicious! <_<

• “you’re sitting in colton’s chair…” “do you. want me to get out?” “no, no. i don’t even know why i said that, it’s been empty a long time.” okay OUCH also yes new guy i would like you to get out

• (okay i want it known that by the end of this is us i did like miguel!)

• oh spencer and zoe from school. all hugged up like spence wasn’t emotionally cheating on her a couple months ago 🤧

• but they are comforting alice with coffee with a lot of whipped cream 🥺

• omg present nick is at the coffee shop!!

• “it’s great to meet you, alice” A KNIFE THROUGH MY CHEST 😭

• “alice! who’s that hot old guy?” read the room zoe

• oh no not colton crying 🥺

• dell giving him her jacket to stay warm 😭😭

• “i love you, delilah. i love you so much.” DELILAH 💔💔💔

• AND THE BOAT IS NAMED AFTER HER BTW FORGOT TO TELL YALL

• (also, guess i’ve been spelling DEL wrong this whole time but whatever im not changing it sry)

• anyways. yeah. dell and colton were the fairytale romance.

• and present kat saw all of this! she believes in love again!

• AND SPEAKING OF BELIEVING IN LOVE

• HI ELLIOT!!!!

• “what are you doing, you nut? it’s freezing out here.” 🥹

• blahblahblah there was no affair yadda yadda private investigator

• ELLIOT GIVES HER HIS SWEATER JUST LIKE DELL GAVE COLTON

• oh we’re realizing 😈

• “why are you looking at me like that” elliot, you are the biggest dumb dumb

• ITS THE PERFECT MOMENT 😭🤧

• SCREAMING BC IT IS A K I S S

• “i don’t care about perfect. i just didn’t want us to miss our moment.” “that felt pretty perfect to me”

• chyler leigh putting that grey’s anatomy training to WORK in this makeout scene!!!!

• spicy for hallmark but also just generally a spicy kiss??? BIG SLAY

• “gotta go.” “wHAT” please they’re so dorky

• sorry had to rewatch that whole scene

• kat telling dell about the PI to try to fix it. once the oldest daughter always the oldest daughter ):

• “this may explain what happened to our savings, but it doesn’t answer everything” back third episodes bombshell incoming ‼️

• “we’re not gonna talk about this right now, we’ve got a guest in the house.” oh okay convenient excuse.

• “i just don’t want our memories of dad to be tainted by a misunderstanding.” “there was another woman, katherine. i saw her with my own eyes. she showed up crying at your father’s funeral.” it might seem crazy what i’m ‘bout to say 🫣

• me: *gasping* wait why am i gasping i already knew that

• oh. forgot about present nick already oops

• “it’s been a very long time since i felt this way… since high school, actually” so you just LIED to us earlier

• oh he literally says that he lied lol

• “of course i remember [alice]” AS PRESENT ALICE IS WALKING UP THE PASTURE

• (i’ll be honest im confused how the farm and elliot’s house are connected)

• “but man, she reminds me of alice. the other alice, my alice” okay is this gonna make things better or worse 😭

• “you never forget your first love” 😭😭😭

• alice seems happy with this so i guess it made it better

• oop new guy is leaving

• probably has nothing to do with the dead husband vibes

• “thank you for mansplaining grief to me” askshaksh DELL

• end of the day and kat is still wearing elliot’s sweater 🤧

• just three heartbroken landry women sitting on the front porch while joy williams front porch plays 😔

fin.

📺 | the way home

live blogging a season one rewatch so i can remember everything for season two 🫡

episode one:

• i hope this show goes on forever bc they clearly have a full story planned for this witch hunt

• honestly forgot about this private school situation

• dad’s suck!

• do we learn about the “one hit” orrr

• chyler leigh in glasses. that’s it that’s the thought.

• “fReEs yOu Up fOr sOmE hOmEsChoOliNg” hey why don’t you hush.

• nah bc these two are like… not even divorced yet and his gf already moved in with him? i’d set the fire alarm off too

• oh the one hit was last year’s showcase

• hallmark letting a “damned” into the script. big slay

• i do really appreciate that young dell is just andie macdowell in a dark wig.

• sorry but it’s kinda a dream to have a farm in ‘nowhere canada’ to escape to, alice.

• i love generational mommy issues 😌

• one thing about andie macdowell, that accent’s gon’ be thicc

• wet dog foreshadowing 👀

• moving in the middle of the school year is wild

• omg and a “what the hell” !!

• mystery letter 😈 (i only vaguely remember how it got sent so excited to relearn that)

• the glow-in-the-dark ceiling stars 🥺

• LMAO OKAY dell was wrong for sending her out in her pjs but it was funny hehe 🤭

• ELLIOT!!!!

• “you got a lot in common… what with your divorces.” dell that’s so southern of you

• “and me?” OOF

• dell landry: bee keeping age 😗

• fair that kat wants to talk about her brother and dad but didn’t she also…. like. leave?? 🥴

• “if you ever need to talk i’m here. any place. any… time.” very subtle elliot thank you

• ohp. guess that’s why i don’t remember the bracelet. so rose from titanic of her

• wait that’s literally how she gets in the pond ?? okay that’s on me then.

• baby kat!! (A+ casting btw 🤌🏽)

• i could not imagine sitting on TIME TRAVEL for over 14 years. good on elliot

• elliot and kat better get back together in like the first 2 minutes of s2 🤧

• baby elliot!

• as someone who lost their grandpa when i was really young, alice meeting her grandpa and their whole relationship just hits different 🥺

• no bc the 90s ARE totally back in style.

• “alice will be fine.” “jacob wasn’t.” he was 6, girl 😭

• the white witch 😟 (me: wait why am i gasping i already knew that.)

• the blurry picture is actually very clever!

• elliot just standing over the pond ominously 🧍🏻‍♂️

• idk why but i love that kat called him to yell at him.

• kat, he just knows, okay!!

fin.

[shortroundandeasytotrick]

The bbeg of the Never After is Homogenization.

~beware my ramble~

The erasure and sanitization of stories that then get commodidified and distributed on mass to be the "right version" of the story that then become almost the "only version" of the story. Erasing centuries of culture and influence, beliefs and experiences, real world problems that these stories portray, and replacing them with the most marketable version.

And in a way, the stories themselves end up cannibalizing their different versions to fit in as the "right version" or just the nature of time combining and losing stories over time.

Like all of the worlds and groups are from folklore. Stories that have been told over and over again, that change to fit the world and the message that needs to be conveyed. Folklore isn't supposed to have a "right version". Much like weaving, the basics of cloth weaving are very similar all over the world but what is made with those techniques, the styles and additional learned cultural practices, can be so very different or so weirdly similar you wouldn't believe they came from different places across the globe from one another.

But in our more modern era where all of our stories feel factory made, we know where they come from, they aren't "folk" in so so many ways. The closest we get to folk media these days are MEMES. They are passed around and shared, often the original poster gets lost or is not common knowledge, have real world effect and meaning, and exist mainly in a specific group culture (internet culture, tumblr culture, etc) To quote my old professor "All folklore are memes, but not all memes are folklore" Think Creepy pasta vs horror movie. Internet legends, "send to 10 friends or blank will happen to you". BLORBO is a folk term. Slang in general I believe is counted as folk based. FANFICTION IN MANY CASES IS CONSIDERED FOLKORE BTW and I find that sooo delightful.

And whats kills memes faster than anything? The commodification of it! When companies go "ooo that'll make us some money" and take it and sell it back to us for profit. Often these days it feels choc full of advertisements and versions of propaganda.

In this era of Disney overlords defining the genre of fairytales to the point that they have set the standard for what is cannon for certain stories they tell. Like the first time I found REAL fairytales I was like 9 and cried myself to sleep because they got so dark, and how were we (me and my mom) to know with how we expected the disneyfied version of the story. Ironically it could be said that the Grimm's Brothers are guilty of the exact same thing in their era, commodifying and centralizing their versions of the stories.

I could also get into the demonization of tropes (lookin at you cinema sins) because tropes are the building blocks of story telling. Common themes and elements that we recognize because they MEAN something to us.

But, and I know what site I'm on, fanfiction is a great example of taking those stories and in some ways turning them into folklore. Its not because we believe we can tell the stories better, in most cases at least, but rather that we take the elements, characters, ideas that we connect to that we love and mean something to us, and make play with it because we have our own stories to tell.

The Homogenization and restricting of what counts and what doesn't ignores the importance of the differences in the stories.

Ylfa's "right" version is a lot like how the animals describe being part of Aesop's fables. There's no nuance. There's no room for change and adaptation. And in a world ever changing, even in bad ways, you have to change to make it work. Even Gerard's "Sometimes you have to be scary in a scary world" touches on this. The barebones basic Little Red Ridinghood is unrealistic in its simplicity. And also kinda blocks out how that whole experience would still be heavily traumatic for anyone (being attacked by a wolf and seeing your granny crawl out of the wolf's destroyed body ain't pretty) , even if it is better than the experience in this life. Meanwhile the more they die, the more versions of their stories get cannibalized and lost to time. Much like how folklore and stories die when culture dies.

Also Stepmom literally consumes story elements into non existence.

Nom Nom

[pinkjiminssi]

So.. About That Hickey..

I think I’m still processing all of this and reminding myself I’m not dreaming 🤣 I seriously only got 3 hours of sleep last night and when I woke up the first thing I did was check twitter to be sure this “drunk bridal-style spinning hickey neck biting proudly showing off” moment actually happened!! 

.. I hate the way my brain works though. I was so happy that it took me forever to fall asleep, spent all day on cloud 9 despite being tired, .. and then my old nemesis, anxiety, stepped in. Well kind of. TBH if all of the MOTS ON:E Jikook moments we got happened with Jimin/anyone else or Jungkook/anyone else.. I would seriously be sitting here saying “well fuck.. I believe they WERE a couple, but looking at all of this it seems they are no longer together.” So really, this just confirmed what I already knew about Jimin and Jungkook: they’re a couple. My anxiety is over.. why? Why show us this? If they can cover all of JK’s tattoos, a hickey/bite mark/whatever we’re calling it should be super easy to hide. Sure it was just rehearsal.. but it was rehearsal with cameras rolling with every intention of releasing what was being filmed as future content. It could have (and some might argue should have) been covered.

Guys... I’m confused. And concerned. ❗❗❗ TW for drama, hate, homophobia, the usual anti issues

That “official” explanation.. again.. why? I’m assuming Jimin and Jungkook were asked and allowed to explain because of the chance of it being spotted and armys freaking out, so BH (or possibly even Jikook) thought to get ahead of the speculation by just being up front about it all.. but THAT explanation? I suppose it works for covering up the army panic of “Jungkook has a girlfriend?! *insert fangirl sobbing*” .. but that’s literally all it does (and only barely if you go looking at some of the anti’s reactions to it all). Really, all it did was draw even more attention and speculation. I mean.. this is, essentially, what we were told: Jimin and Jungkook were together the night before drinking, apparently without the other members as they didn’t seem to know all of this already (and they would have if they had been there), somehow hanging out and having drinks turns into Jungkook picking Jimin up bridal style (random but some of the k-army reactions on twitter were translating through google into “princess style” and I just think that’s so cute 🥰), spinning ensues, Jimin gets dizzy and wants Jungkook to put him down, ... and so he proceeds to do the only logical thing that any of us would have done in that situation... biting Jungkook’s neck? And hard enough to leave a mark the next day?? And instead of being peeved about it (like most of us would have been if our friend bit the crap out of us), Jungkook looks happy?? proud even??? 

And they arrived together the next day and continue to be cute and playful? 

I just.. I mean.. come on. First of all.. that’s a hickey. A bite leaves teeth marks. And one would assume a wild, drunken “let me down” chomp would be something that happens suddenly and ends very quickly. I know I for sure would drop someone on their ass if they decided to take a bite out of my neck (assuming I was even picking up and spinning around with one of my friends like that to begin with.. but let’s not even get into why that was going on at this point) .. but the way this bruised? Yeah. There were no teeth involved (at least not hard enough to leave indentations) and this took more than a couple of seconds of mouth-to-neck contact to still be that visible the next day. So.. in short. Jungkook arrives with a hickey, JK decides to not cover it up (or he would have shown up with it hidden and we see him get out of the car that morning with it clearly visible), BH staff sees it and also decides to not have it covered up and actually have it explained... and the explanation is “oh yeah Jimin just bit him, you know.. no big deal hehehe isn’t that funny?” 🤯 WHAT?! Yeah.. that’s totally normal, platonic behavior between adults...

I’m not saying Jimin and Jungkook are lying btw. I have no doubt it played out more or less exactly as they said with the exception of what they’re calling the end result. Jimin and Jungkook are fine.. I mean, what were they supposed to say? They’re not going to show up saying Jimin was sucking on Jungkook’s neck the night before. We’ll probably never know why Jungkook decided to not cover it up before arriving, but it’s his body and he gets to decide. It’s BH that has me so puzzled. Other than antis and people who refuse to see what’s literally right in front of their faces when it comes to Jikook.. who were BH expecting to believe the bite thing? Just among staff and the other members, it’s a laughable but safe “oh of course *wink wink*” explanation that allows everyone to carry on like normal. But to the public who don’t know them personally, don’t know their usual behavior and patterns, and who don’t have something like a non-disclosure agreement or professional courtesy preventing them from openly speculating.. it doesn’t fly. Pretty much everyone teen and up knows what a hickey looks like (either from having gotten/given one or at least seeing one on someone else in person or online). It’s immediately obvious what it is. And even if there was some uncertainty.. that it’s on his neck (instead of other easily accessible and less sensitive/stimulating locations) and just so happens to be right near his mole as it Jimin were aiming for it? Just another “too many coincidences” thing when it comes to Jikook.

Even antis on twitter couldn’t deny what it was and, so, had to resort to the “well I do that with my sibling and my uncle’s pet raccoon all the time it’s just family things” excuse and/or the “yeah well someone ELSE in the group (or a girlfriend) gave him that and they’re just covering by saying it was Jimin.” Oh. And the same old “it’s just fan service” excuse (as if Jungkook would let someone bruise his neck for the purposes of fanservice which, again, BTS has never done or needed to do. Forever pissed off that so many in this fandom act like Jungkook is a puppet doing whatever the “evil company” tells him to do regardless of his personal feelings or boundaries. The man has tattoos covering nearly every inch of his arm despite that being looked down on in Korea. At this point he can do whatever the fuck he wants). So.. why?? Seriously, why? This all could have easily been avoided with simple makeup.

When they’re doing official content they’re all literally followed around by a flurry of staff fixing hair, dabbing sweat, touching up makeup, etc. Even though it was rehearsal, staff were everywhere in the footage that’s made its way online. If they were worried that it would be seen in the background and “taken the wrong way,” just have the staff occasionally touch up the makeup. “Easy peasy lemon squeezy.” But instead of doing the obvious, BH decides to: not cover it, draw attention to it by asking about it and letting them continue to talk about it, go out of their way to get a camera on it, and then include it in the final cut of the content they sent out?

BTS is literally the most popular group in the world right now and BH has become a behemoth of a company that runs like a well-oiled machine. They’re not stupid; this was not a mistake. For some reason they wanted us to see this and, one would assume based on the lack of a more believable explanation, they wanted us to come to the conclusion that we all have: Jimin gave Jungkook a hickey. You know they have teams dedicated to monitoring reactions to content on social media. You know they know the dialog surrounding Rosebowl, Black Swan MMA, the Memories 2020 “almost kiss,” etc. etc. All of this got “jikook,” “hickey” and variations of their names trending for HOURS (in multiple countries and worldwide). 

Out of curiosity, I decided to check the trends at the time of writing this. As of 3 AM CST (about 24 hours AFTER the clips started showing up online), there was still a hashtag trending related to all of this: #FREEJUNGKOOK.. and the tweets being directed toward BH are.. disturbing to say the least:

While I agree that the boys should trend more often based on their talents and music.. what’s going on right now is a homophobic ���� show accusing BH of “scripting” interactions (rather than.. you know.. Jungkook interacting with whoever he wants however he wants.. the usual “mindless puppet JK” narrative), trying to coordinate the mass sending of angry emails, trying to get people to stop buying paid content, accusing BH of taking advantage of the members.. I mean it goes on and on. And BH know what’s going on right now. They’re seeing the reactions... the good and the extremely negative. And still they let this out. And this is all not even CONSIDERING the mountain of other moments that made the cut on MOTS ON:E. 

(side note, the above pic just oozes happiness and it’s so cute I love it!! 😭)

So.. even though I’ve said it dozens of times already... WHY? W H Y? I’m an anxious person by nature and not very trusting. I believe Jimin and Jungkook and I don’t think they’ve been lying and pretending for “fanservice” all of these years. I respect them both too much as individuals and artists to believe that they would stoop to such tactics just to generate a little more “interest” and revenue. I’m suspicious of BH. BTS doesn’t need fanservice to get attention; literally all of 2020 and 2021 so far has proven that beyond a doubt. Even if they suddenly made the decision to do fs.. why not go with the most popular ship (taekook) or at least one that isn’t so hotly debated on social media (remove Jimin, Jungkook and Tae from the equation and you still have four members to “play” with who have much less potential to have fs devolve into a toxic crap show all over the internet). Showing us this will do nothing to help BTS as a group or Jimin and Jungkook at this point. In fact.. all it can do is hurt. Hurt BH, hurt the group, and hurt the individual members, heck.. even potentially hurt other BH/HYBE groups. I’ve already seen people on twitter saying they’re “done” spending money on anything BH or BTS puts out because they’re “sick of jikook in their faces and just two of the seven hogging all of the screen time.” Whether or not that “spending freeze” actually materializes into anything noticeable remains to be seen of course.. but the threat is there and always has been. What is the motive? And why now? As much as my “hopeless romantic” heart would like to believe they’re preparing us for Jikook to be “out” .. I seriously don’t think that is ever going to happen. Certainly not now at the height of the group’s fame, with them being given Presidential honors and ambassador status, and with military service still looming over them all. And let’s not forget... Korea is NOT a safe place for a queer couple. Letting us see and know what they did through what was released has the potential to put Jimin and Jungkook (and the other members by proxy) in danger. Sure.. BTS has never been hardline rule followers and have been breaking molds and shattering norms from the start, so “officially” having an openly gay couple in the group wouldn’t be impossible.. just... highly highly improbable. Especially right now... and I’m concerned. I don’t want to sound like the creeps I posted a screenshot of above throwing blame at the company. The boys chose to renew their contracts with the for a reason so we have to trust their judgement as a group... but still, I’m worried and I’m questioning what the purpose was here. 

[gullethead]

what is your opinion on tamsyn muir discourse (and also what is the discourse)

THANK you. okay warning for discussion of fictional sexual assault, real life CSA (not something she did), plus 2012-era homestuck fandom typical stuff

please rb this btw, unless you dont want to, in which case dont. also if you have any corrections or additional information to consider please add by all means

disclaimer: im not in the habit of writing essays defending whichever internet personalities i like. ill admit theres potential bias, given that i read the books before i learned about this, but im really being as objective as possible and i just think people are taking a misguided or half-formed stance on this. if you still dislike her or w/e after this thats, like, perfectly in your rights. im not defending an adult woman on the internet, im explaining the facts as ive seen them and understand them. additional disclaimer that i havent experienced sexual assault at all myself

okay so tamsyn muir is currently well-known as the author of the locked tomb trilogy (aka gideon the ninth and harrow the ninth), but for a certain section of tumblr shes also well known as urbanAnchorite, and used to be a big name fan on here up until around 2014 - pretty close to everything here is going to be from roughly 2011 through 2014, except for an interview im gonna get into, so 7-10 years ago. i was only vaguely aware of her until after i got into the locked tomb and saw people talking about this. with that in mind:

so the MAJORITY of the discourse revolves around a single fic she wrote on AO3. her account has 19 works in homestuck, and some of them are Kinda Weird to Pretty Bad in retrospect, but being completely honest this is the only one that isnt completely stock standard for homestuck fandom in that time period. like if we started casting stones about ten year old fandom stuff we'd be here all day

here is the fic (warning for CSA)

in most of the posts about it ive seen, theyve described it as a "rapefic," but actually reading it, it's a lot more nuanced than that description implies. its a dark story where a grown man abuses a girl, from the man's perspective, and the story ends with him being killed by her friend. the description of the assault is treated very seriously by the story and barely even touches on any actual sex, before immediately cutting to him being killed. its lolita if humbert got shot to death; the title itself comes FROM lolita

(sidenote - it was inspired by a prompt on kinkmeme, but that doesn't really mean anything vis a vis being intended for sexual enjoyment, and according to the note actually went against the spirit of the request)

ive seen fics, lots and lots of fics, that would qualify as the term "rapefic." it tends to be pretty fucking obvious when someone is using sexual assault as a fetish, and this is Not That

tamsyn herself actually responded to this in an excellent interview early last year. she gets into some Fandom Mom type language, but essentially says what i said above. in it, she also says this:

It’s not the first time I’ve been accused of being a paedophile. I grew up gay in the nineties. Homosexuality and paedophilia were enmeshed in society’s minds. When I came out, I got told that I shouldn’t be around children. I was used to that because it was common discourse, and it hurt like all hell, but it didn’t shock me. When I got called a paedophile by Twitter I got clotheslined. My support network had to get in pronto. I was very ready to have a hot date with a length of rope, a date I have arranged and cancelled multiple times over my life. I have had lots and lots of therapy over the years for various conditions, some of them lifelong and some not, but when that Twitter call-out happened it was hard to want to live. I thought I knew so intimately what I was doing with my fiction; my therapist was always so supportive of me writing about it. I have not been open about being a CSA survivor because, again, I grew up in the ‘90s. ‘Lesbian’ and ‘CSA survivor’ is just carte blanche so a whole queue of people can tell you, I HOPE ONE DAY, WITH LOVE AND SUPPORT, YOU CAN BE STRAIGHT. It was like, right this way to the invalidation booth. I didn’t even tell most of my girlfriends! I told one! It’s not a topic of discussion between me and my family; I am relying on them not reading my interviews so it can remain where it belongs: thoroughly undiscussed!

with this context it becomes... a lot more nuanced of a topic. an author who experienced CSA in addition to growing up in a cultural climate where gay people were pedophiles by default, especially growing up catholic in a rural community, wrote a work about childhood sexual assault (which also happened to be fanfiction) as a way of working through it for herself, which is... something a lot of artists do with their art? and in return she got a massive blowback on twitter accusing her of pedophilia and demanding she talk about a massively traumatic moment in her life

this is the major sticking point of the discourse, im not gonna get into anything else on this post, but this is my view of it. if you disagree or have anything to add then feel free to add on. again, i know what it looks like, but im not trying to uncritically defend a stranger just cause i like her book. this is the conclusion i came to after doing a lot of digging for myself

[you-are-worth-the-wait]

care to elaborate on your statement?  kinda tough to tell how you took it.  i hope you didn’t take it negatively.  that wasn’t my intent.  i prolly could have said worse when explaining things and what i see/feel but i tried to keep it as level as i could without letting the biased side in me point out all the negative/toxic things i see/feel that is wrong there.  i can be unbiased and object for your sake in order to talk things through with you.  but you know how i feel and what is my end goal and of course i’m going to always try to give you the best chance in reaching/achieving what it is that desire in your heart and mind.  

so...any chance i steal you away for a kiss? :P  just being true to what my heart wants/desires and i figure i take a chance...*shrug*  i mean, like i say in most other scenarios, worst thing you can do is say no, nothing happens, and i/we are right back with what we started with.  good/best case, you entertain the idea and possibly reach out to me.  you know, dreamers gonna dream...but actions influences reality with the possibility of making those dreams come true.  heck...look what we’ve been able to create together when all this started with just taking a chance...*ws*

i’m thinking you prolly have a lot to think about and maybe reassessing your situation there and within yourself after what i wrote out.  i’m guessing that’s the reason for the one and done statement.  it’s okay.  i know if things were different, we’d have the chance to have a fluid back and forth and we’d be able to figure things out together.  i feel/know that you may be timid and scared but i also know that you are a different person than you were at the beginning of this year.  i know you are still a work in progress but if i’m being truthful...i don’t see him or that situation giving you the best chance to achieve what you want and helping you reach your full potential.  i’ know you’ve shied away from those words and have sometimes felt that people were pushing before you felt you were ready.  that’s not where i’m coming from.  i saw glimpses of it even before i knew your name.  i did admire you from afar and what i liked about you was your humble low key confidence.  from the moment i knew of you to today, when i say i want you to reach your full potential, it’s not to push or antagonize you to do it but more of a supportive role in wanting it as much as you do and to help you reach it. 

i know that he’s said that i’d be better for you.  i don’t know where he was coming from when i said it or how many times he may have thrown that or me into your face.  if it was out of pity for himself, out of spite and anger for me, or from a glimmer of truth he didn’t want to accept, i don’t know.  without sounding like a conceited asshole, i agree with that statement.  the thing is, he may have said it but i don’t think he fully realizes the depths as to why i feel/know that statement to be true.  he may have pointed out reasons but i don’t think the reasons he’s given touches on the actual reality of that statement.  i know in my heart that with all the reasons he may have given, there is more to it than that, and i know you know it too.  he may have somewhat of a grasp of what we are but i don’t think he will ever know the depths and magnitude of what we truly are. we have a past t0o, although not as long, but fiercely connected to the point that we still are what we are today, despite what is going on there.   i can’t discount your past with him because i know i can’t touch that nor will i even try.  but i’m not talking about living for the past.  i’m talking about living for the now and for the future.  and for those reasons along with the unspoken ones he will never fully understand and that only you and i know...that’s why i believe in my heart that i am better for you.  i honestly do believe, together, we give ourselves the best chance of being better for ourselves and for each other.  sooo...yeah.

btw...i gave him the money and he almost cried.  he gave me a promissory note on the agreement and how he’d pay me back with interest on this and that date.  i told him we didn’t have to deal with the interest and we could just figure it out as we go.  he was so grateful and you could see like a burden was just lifted off his shoulders.  i know it doesn’t fix everything but it’s one less thing he has to worry about in order to focus on other things in his life.  apparently he cooks good food.  maybe i make him pay me back in food? one lunch every two weeks...for the rest of his tenure as long as we work together...bwah hahahaha.  you see where my priorities are.  yeah, it was definitely a weird situation and request with such a finite rapport but then again, this isn’t the first time i’ve done this and prolly won’t be the last?  i honestly don’t know how i even get involved in situations like this.  maybe after he’s paid me back and some time when he’s good, maybe i’ll ask him what made him/why he came to me.  wonder after we become “friends” if he’ll say that he was desperate and i just so happen to exist at that very moment.  that would be a bit anticlimactic...*shrug*

how’s your mom and family?  she/they doing okay?  does you niece help keep things manageable?  you want a child to dote after if that’s what helps bring a smile to your heart?...*nudge nudge* :P  i mean, you’d have your hands full with me to begin with.  they’d just be a bonus to add into the mix when the time is right :)  any plans for new years/weekend?  could we just watch a movie, cuddle, kiss, and fall asleep in each other’s arms?  

oh...i had a dream about you last night.  but it wasn’t a typical dream.  maybe my “internet history” is playing a factor because it was about you and me and a unicorn.  i’ve never had a dream like that before.  it wasn’t someone i knew though.  the thing that struck me was how “natural” everything was.  there was no pause of awkwardness or what not.  it was quite surreal from the moment we all met, to getting started, and the act.  i have to admit this was one of those times where i hated my alarm.  but yeah.  it was interesting to say the least.  

well...hope you have a good day at work tomorrow.  i got smashed and i messed up with someone.  i was doing the work of an LPN and RN and it was honestly the first time i’ve worked at this capacity.  my preceptor is nice but i think she gives me way more credit than i deserve.  she thinks she can just tell me what to do and i can go and do it but i’ve never had experience doing what she is asking me to do so i end up having to telh/asking her if she could do it while i observe.  she helped when she felt i needed it.  unfortunately, i needed her help more than she realized and my provider could tell the difference of not having the LPN.  i felt so bad but he was understanding about it and told me i was doing a good job.  he even came over to me before the end of our shift to let me know how much he enjoyed working with me and that even though i may not have known everything, he said that i was coming along well and that i will do a good job in the future.  i thanked him for working with me the way he did and he thanked me for helping him with his workload and making things more manageable for him.  we then said fingers crossed on the new provider that i will be working with.  truth...their plan for my workload...it’s not looking fun.  i’ll be inheriting two part time providers and it’s looking like my vet load will triple by next year.  if i thought today kicked my ass, i can only imagine what 2 new providers who i have to learn how they do things all over and still cover the LPN and RN duties, all the while i’m still asking people for help and assistance.  guess this is what i get when i say that i like a challenge.  i barely survived today and one of my officemates asked me why did my eye look the way they did.  they were half closed and pretty lifeless because of the workload i had to deal with before the end of my shift.  fun fun fun.  in the immortal words and deadpan expression of kuzko, “bring it on.”...*ws*

btw...did you figure out that “secret” i was referring to? :)

[emilx311]

Life Update

Hey all, so I pretty much vanished off the internet for the past few months (whoops sorry about that) but things have been crazy irl! Here’s a bit of a summary for those who were wondering what happened to me:

So, for context sake a few fun facts about me. I work as a night auditor at a hotel and have done so since August 2019, I graduated Uni with a degree in Justice Studies in 2018, and I have several minor but chronic health issues that lead to me being very low energy-ie having less spoons than a normal person and needing more sleep.

Aside from the issues already inherent with 2020′s....everything we had several more personal issues at my (I say my because I work there) motel. Mainly around staffing, and especially around night audit staffing.

Since I was hired we’ve gone through 5 or 6 other night auditors (I think? maybe more). And they often.....quit with barely any notice. So, being our only consistent night auditor I’ve been called in last minute several times over the past year leading to 6 or even 7 day weeks. (Not Fun!)

Even when we have had another trained night auditor with us they often also do day shifts since we only need them for 2 nights a week. Turn over for day-shift people has been barely lower than turn over for night shift, which has led to them having to be called in last minute to cover day shifts when people left which means I also had to be called in last minute to cover the night shifts they were no longer able to do, leading to us all working 6 or even 7 day weeks (Super Not Fun!)

In summary: I’ve worked more overtime days than I have had vacation days in this last year. Heck, the last time I tried to go on vacation for like 5 days I got called in every other day and my boss (our regional manager) paid me double for the shifts I worked and refused to touch my vacation pay because even he acknowledged that was in no way a real vacation at that point (this was at the beginning of September btw...)

This was all compounded when our general manager (gm) left in late July. Her reason for leaving was super fair since she got a better job offer, similar pay to what she was making, less work since she would no longer have to do all the duties our boss should have been doing but was instead pushing off unto her. Super sad to see her go but wished her the best (still miss her) :(

This left our under manager (gsm) and me as the main people in the hotel (ie those who have been there the longest, only the gsm and housekeepers had been there longer than I had at that point-and I had not even reached my 1 year yet). Which, not super great, but the other people we had were okay so we would manage. So the gsm and I held things together and started basically running the hotel (shout out to the gsm here because I love her and she is actually like 5 years younger than me but has accomplished so much more, I am in constant awe of her tbh). Our boss (who is....kind of dumb sometimes) realized this. We became his golden girls (he plays favorites hard).

It is at that point that someone above our boss’s level in the company (he’s in charge locally, but we do belong to a large corporation, ah capitalism) hired disaster #1 as our first new gm. Disaster #1 was creepily cheerful and utterly dismayed to find out his job actually involved him doing work! Like working at the front desk during his shifts and doing manager stuff instead of it just being him sitting in the back looking important and giving us encouragement occasionally. He payed no attention to his training. He did very little of his basic work let alone the manager stuff. He took credit and praised “the team” whenever something went right and pushed blame off him unto everyone else as hard as he could when something went wrong (I once pointed out he forgot to do something and he legit said to me “can you prove it was me?” I said “yes” very firmly.)

Now, as the auditor my job is to spot, point out, and fix errors. He hated coming in to to work after me because I spotted and pointed out everything he missed or did incorrectly. At first just because I happened to notice them. Then it became personal, he cornered me one morning at shift change and told me that he dreaded coming in to work after me because I was always so critical, and he had so much to do during his shifts other than just front desk stuff (he did not, most of the “manager” stuff he was even trained in doing at this point he shoved off unto the gsm) he then disparaged the gsm. I was done, I was pissed (you do not say mean things about my gsm, nope, not okay, I will cut and slab you*) and kind of hurt (why are you taking my corrections as personal attacks? Why are you saying I’m mean for doing my job?) So, if he wanted to make it personal I decided to make it personal and made it my mission to find and point out everything he did wrong, no more overlooking small things as I had been. The pressure of actually having to work made him quit (shocking, not!).

It was also around this time that I signed up for an LSAT prep course. Because I hate myself and now that I’ve been working for a couple years and have some money saved up I want to follow through on my plan to get either a Law Degree or a Masters Degree and so am working on taking the LSAT and applying to law schools. No, studying has not been going well, time and energy have also been preventing that.

Fast forward a couple months and 2 of our best employees went on holiday (one they had scheduled months before). It’s the start of January, they will be gone for two months. In that time our boss had hired our next gm, idiot #2. Just as these two leave the other front desk person we’d been training quits with no notice. We are short staffed....again (yay more 6 and 7 day weeks, ack). To fill in this gap our boss brings in idiot #3 from one of the other 2 hotels in the area our company owns.

Idiot #2 is semi okay, he is not manager material, even months after he was hired to be gm he does not have the training and is basically just a front desk agent. He is bad about doing things himself unless you specifically direct him to with very clear instructions, but he can do the minimum (although he failed the coffee test. After idiot #1 I wrote out very, VERY specific instructions for how to clean our coffee station....he is not able to follow them. The gsm and I joked about the coffee test after I first wrote the instructions, that someone actually failed it....we despair). So, he does not think ahead, do any extra, or solve many problems but at least he rarely creates problems.

This brings us to idiot #3. I do not know what goes on in his head (very little likely) but man oh man. Some examples: the time he-after being asked like 4 times-actually sign off on the checklist after cleaning the laundry room (as everyone is supposed to once a shift) but did so in sharpie instead of one of the many dry-erase markers left around the front desk for no other reason than the clearly laminated sign off sheet. Or the time he decided on his own to give someone a satisfaction refund, far larger than it should have been (which only managers and those with special permission can do in any of the hotels, so he should know better but somehow....)

We have a book for front desk to write messages on about issues for the next people. Usually we have a note or two on any given day. Pretty much every day he worked it was full and even going onto the next page. Idk how, it’s like he touched something and issues sprung up. and Guess who got to be the one to fix all of them (woooo).

For the past few weeks I have had 2 days a week where the only people who worked were me and idiots #2 and #3. It’s been horrible. In addition, my days off were changed for these months so I haven’t been able to meet my one bubble inclusive friend to vent like we usually do once a week, because that time no longer fit in my schedule. I have been living in exhaustive hell for the past couple months, and even before that as I tried to lighten the gsm’s load as much as I could as she took on a lot of the gm stuff. My house is a mess, tbh my life is a mess because work has left me so tired and stressed that I basically get home, shower, collapse onto bed, read a bit, sleep, wake-up, find some sort of food, get ready for work, go to work, and repeat. Even on my days off I’m sleeping 75% of the time and resting to try and shore up my spoons (of which I already have fewer than most people) to get through the work week.

tl;dr Due to ridiculousness I ended up unofficially co-running a hotel and it’s sucked up so much of my energy that all my free time is pretty much spent sleeping just to ensure I’m able to get through my work weeks semi-functionally. Everything about my life has been a mess, to the point where I’m legit not sure how I’ve been keeping myself fed, clean, on meds and just generally....alive.

[cinnonym]

christmas magic's brought this tale (to a very happy ending)

Written for Day 10 - Game Night / Movie Night of 12 Days of Christmas @supercorpbb

Read on AO3

***

r/relationship_advice – posted by u/anonymous1000 – 13 hours ago

My (25f) crush and best friend (27f) chose a lesbian classic for movie night, how do I react?

Disclaimer ahead: I haven’t used reddit before and am thus not very fluent in etiquette and formatting, but please bear with me because I am seriously overwhelmed by the current situation and would appreciate all forms of help. I’m also typing this in a hurry, because I’m supposed to be in the bathroom, so please excuse typos or inaccuracies. I’ll try my best. But now, without further ado, here goes:

I (25f) have been crushing on my best friend (27f) pretty much since the day we met. For context, that was two years ago, and while we started out on a business relationship, it evolved into a close friendship almost right away. This is mostly due to her, I must admit. She’s the most open-minded person I know and simply couldn’t be “scared away” by my bad reputation (which I inherited). Needless to say, I’m very grateful for her. She’s not only my best, but has also been my only friend for quite a while, before she introduced me to her inner circle. I unironically owe her my happiness (and my life, several times over, but that’s unrelated to this story).

I’d fallen in love before I realised what was happening. Usually, trust and affection come slowly to me, but her I loved almost right away. That’s simply who she is, a person one cannot help loving. Also, she’s very attractive, side note. I used to flirt with her sometimes, in the beginning, before I became aware of the depth of my feelings (this is awkward to talk about, btw, thank goodness for anonymity online), and back then, it seemed like she wasn’t all unresponsive to my advances. Then again, she isn’t very good at saying no to anyone, because of who she is as a person, so maybe she was only being polite? I’m not sure.

Anyway, she had a boyfriend then, and I had to come to terms with my feelings, so I sort of drew back a little. I’d been with women before, so that was never an issue, but I’m uncertain whether she has ever considered women. Her sister is gay, and she is very supportive of her, but we’ve never talked about how she feels. As far as I know, she’s only ever been with men though. Either way, I’m not in the business of making moves on taken people, so I mostly focused on fostering our friendship.

The thing is, as long as I can be close with her, I am sort of okay with being “just friends”. I mean, isn’t close friendship like a romantic relationship, just minus the romance? And minus the physical advantages (although she is a very cuddly person, so that’s nice). And, like, of course, I’d like to mean more to her. Of course I’d like to take care of her every day when she comes home, cook her dinner, listen to her worries, massage her neck, kiss her goodnight. Of course I’d like to be The One to her, just like she is The One to me. But considering that she’s probably straight and not interested in me in that way, I’m mostly okay with just being her best friend.

Or, I was mostly okay with it. But recently she’s… been acting differently towards me. She’s giving me these long glances when she thinks I don’t notice (I do). She’s going out of her way to make sure I’m fine and don’t work too much (it’s a tendency I have, especially pre-Christmas). She’s told me she’s been working on my Christmas gift almost all month (and I can’t for the hell of it guess what it could be). She’s even invited me for Christmas with her family (since I don’t celebrate with mine).

And now today, she chose the film Carol for movie night (movie night is a weekly thing we do, I should have mentioned that earlier, maybe), which is, as you might know, about a lesbian relationship. And I don’t know what to do.

She claims to have chosen the film because it was on a list of Christmas films (and I suppose it does have christmassy vibes), and because it “sounded fitting”. Sounded fitting?? What is that even supposed to mean? She doesn’t know I’m gay, so it can’t be that, unless she somehow figured out. Is she gay and this is her way of telling me? And if so, how do I react? Is this her letting me know she’s interested in me, or am I reading too much into this? Did she even realise this was a lesbian film??

Anyway, she’s calling from the living room, so I need to go. I’ll try to take another bathroom break halfway into the movie, and I’d appreciate it A Lot if I had some reactions in by then, because I’m panicking a little here. Thank you all!

Tl;dr: my supposedly straight friend chose a lesbian film for movie night, and I don’t understand her intentions behind that.

(P.S. She and her boyfriend have broken up months ago. She’s currently single.)

***

r/relationship_advice – posted by u/anonymous1000 – 11 hours ago

UPDATE to this post

First of all, thank you all so much for your quick replies, they’re really helpful. As you might have guessed, I managed to negotiate another bathroom break mid-film (though my friend is currently sulking on the couch, she didn’t want to let me go? :) ?) and am, once again, typing as fast as my fingers will allow. Much has happened.

I’ve mentioned that my friend is a very cuddly person. Today was no difference – as soon as she’d pressed play on the film, she’d already enveloped me in one of her bone-crushing hugs (she’s very strong). Normally, I let myself sink into these embraces, because she really is a phenomenal hugger, but today my speculations were so prevalent in my mind that I could hardly breathe when our bodies touched.

(She noticed my reaction right away, and immediately asked if I’d rather not hug (to which I replied a vehement no), and this really isn’t very important to the story, but I wanted to let you know.)

As the film progressed (largely unregarded by me, I must admit), I noticed several things about her behaviour that seemed odd, though:

One, her heartbeat became considerably faster as soon as Carol and Therese had met on-screen and it became clear that their relationship would be the focus of the film.

Two, she’s been side-eyeing me a lot more frequently than usual (she tends to watch me watch films if she knows the plot already, but considering she probably hasn’t seen Carol before, this seems out of character for her).

Three, and this is… I don’t even know how to feel about this, but… how do I formulate this best…  When the sex scene was playing, I swear she looked at my cleavage and blushed.

I’m sort of ecstatic (because those are hints, right? I can’t be the only one to think that those are hints?) but also very very VERY worried that I’ve totally misinterpreted the entire situation. Then again, all of your comments sound incredibly hopeful and affirming, so I guess I’m not entirely wrong in my assumptions?

I need to go back now (I’ve been here way too long already), but I will definitely keep you updated. It’s so heart-warming to see how invested all of you are!

@everyone who told me to kiss her already: if she keeps this up, I just might :)

***

r/relationship_advice – posted by u/anonymous1000 – 1 hour ago

UPDATE! All’s well that ends well!

Hey everyone, I am so sorry for the late update. I ended up being… somewhat busy last night.

:) :) :)

So, long story short, we’re dating now. And yes, I did kiss her (or she kissed me, I can’t remember exactly. We somehow kissed each other simultaneously).

Long story slightly less short, because I see you hungering for details in the comments (and my now-girlfriend said you deserved to know), here is how it went down:

We didn’t even finish the film. We didn’t even resume the film, after I returned from the bathroom. Because when I did, giddy and ready to Do This, she wasn’t even looking at me. No, she was looking at her phone.

Now, I’ve never seen a person look at their phone with an expression quite as shocked as hers. She was, I’m not kidding, completely frozen (and if you knew her, you’d know that doesn’t happen often).

So naturally I rush over to her, worried as can be, thinking something bad happened, a catastrophe or maybe an accident in her family. And as I kneel by her side, and she still hasn’t moved, I happen to see what she’s been reading on her phone screen.

And it’s reddit.

I’m not gonna lie, for a second I thought it was all over. I mean, she’d obviously recognised us in my post (so much for anonymity everyone, the internet is treacherous), and judging by her expression, well… I assumed the worst.

But then she turns around and she fixes me with this incredibly cute stern stare she has, and she goes: “[My full name]. Have you browsed the relationship tag even once?”

And I shake my head, completely dumbfounded of course, because what does that have to do with anything. But apparently it plays a crucial role, because apparently you all know my girlfriend.

Her username is @supergirlssupercurls and she’s been posting the entire journey of our friendship/romance on this platform. Turns out she loves me too.

:)

She’s also told me to end this with: and they lived happily ever after.

(Let’s hope we do).

[bang-me-bangtan-style]

Archive

OLD FANFICS AND ONE SHOTS RESIDE HERE.

My 2013-2020 fanficion

This is a masterlist of old fanfiction I’ve wrote through the years. From when I first started writing at sixteen with FORBIDDEN ALL THE WAY TO 2020. It’s 2021 and I feel like I want to start new and fresh. So I took all my masterlist and put it as an archive. My new masterlist is empty. Will be Comming soon.

Don’t fret, I still may continture some of the series below. but for now all this work is going to remain in the archive unless i change my mind.

✔ - Completed ||   ••• - Ongoing || ✖  - On Hold -everything for now is discontinued

BTS

Kim Namjoon

Kim Seokjin

Series:

Oneshots:

Smut:

(SMUT) corrupted | bangtan smut series | JIN,bts | 2.4k words

Min Yoongi

Series:

••• ⭐️ (FANFIC) Updated May 14,2020 | THE BANGTAN LIST | YOONGI, bts | with 1 chapter (s) | 3k words | ONGOING | SUMMARY - That one story where you work as a stripper, meet Min Yoongi, fuck him, and cant forget him- but he can’t remember you- so you fuck his friends to fuck the pain away.

Oneshots:

(SCENARIO) 01 the creator | you don’t own me series | YOONGI,bts

Smut:

(SMUT) 02 SUGA - 불타오르네  |bangtan smut series |  SUGA, bts | 1.5k word

Jung Hoseok

Series:

(MINI SERIES ) forced break up  | JHOPE, bts | 2 chapters |  1 , 2 | When Yoongi is your brother nobody wants to mess with you. no, not when Yoongi had set them all straight not to touch his little sister. Jhope is Yoongi’s best friend and Yoongis threats doesn’t scare him. What happens when Jhope goes behind Yoongi’s back to fuck his little sister. That sister being you.

Oneshots:

Smut:

(SMUT) 03 we on | bangtan smut series | JUNGKOOK+JHOPE,bts | 1.6k words

Kim Taehyung

Series:

✖ (FANFICTION) Updated Jan 14, 2019 | the temptation | TAEHYUNG, bts | With 2 chapter (s) |  4316  words  | ON HIATUS | SUMMARY- Church. School. Work. Home. Home.work. school home. It was a hell of routine. But it was old. It was getting way too old. This pure innocent life was just a facade nowadays. Your mind had fell into the fifth circle of hell. And your boyfriend jungkook realized this. Especially after you cheated on him with the person he hated the most. Taehyung. And now according to him you would burn in hell for it. How long could you keep your legs closed after reviving oral sex from taehyung? Could you keep the rest of your innocence or did you really want to burn in hell like jungkook said you would?

Oneshots:

Smut:

(SMUT) 04 treat you better | bangtan smut series | TAEHYUNG, bts | 3.4k words

Park Jimin

Series:

Oneshots:

Smut:

(SMUT) 01 caught in a lie | bangtan smut series | JIMIN,bts

(SMUT) three is a charm | bangtan smut series | JUNGKOOK+JIMIN,bts | 4.4k words

Jung Jungkook

Series:

✖ (FANFIC) you make me begin  | JUNGKOOK, bts | 1,954 words | ON HIATUS | | SUMMARY- what if you are an angel and you fell from heaven for a troublesome boy who needed you, him being Jeon Jungkook?

✖(FANFIC) Updated june 23, 2018  || (FANFIC) UNKNOWN || JUNGKOOK, bts || With 2 chapter(s) ||  2,586 words  || ON HIATUS|| SUMMARY- what if the famous front man of bangtan accidentally texts the wrong number thinking your his cheating girlfriend only it’s really you?

••• ⭐️ (FANFIC) Updated May 12, 2020 | THE CREATION | with 2 chapters | words | ONGOING | SUMMARY- Your mom Jeon Yoona was one of the greatest scientist of her time. She created a man made male fetus called Project 1997 (later known as Jeon Jungkook) in the GIO lab that resided in Busan,South Korea in 1997. Jeon went down in the hall of fame creating what was said to be the most difficult project of the decade. in 2002 Jeon Yoona died from cancer leaving you behind. This was also around the time when PROJECT 1997 (Jeon Jungkook) started having complications and had became very ill. Because of this the GIO lab wanted project 1997 to be destroyed because they couldn’t figure out what w as wrong and  why he was defective. After being saved by Yoonas colleague- project 1997 (Jeon Jungkook) had fell into Your hands and you from then on raised him like a son. But you didn’t know that pretending to be PROJECT 1997’s (jungkooks) mom would be so hard, him angry, moody and bitchy all the time because all his friends wanted to do was fuck you. And maybe he wanted to fuck you too!

Oneshots:

(SCENARIO) 01 Jungkook | bangtan scenario series | JUNGKOOK, bts

(DRABBLE) mate killer | JUNGKOOK, bts

Smut:

(SMUT) 03 we on | bangtan smut series | JUNGKOOK+JHOPE,bts | 1.6k words

(SMUT) three is a charm | bangtan smut series | JUNGKOOK+JIMIN,bts | 4.4k words

(SMUT) 07 you’re mine |  bangtan smut series | JUNGKOOK,bts

세븐틴 | SEVENTEEN (SVT)

Dino

Vernon

S.coups

Wonwoo

Mingyu

Seungkwan

Joshua

••• ⭐️ Updated august 1st , 2018   (FANFIC) fucking with Joshua | JOSHUA, seventeen | With 12 chapter (s) | 29,125 words  | ONGOING | A recorded list of incidents of you corrupting the innocent Hong Jisoo. can you corrupt him and make him go against his morals?

Woozi

Jeonghyun

The8

Hoshi

Jun

Dk

엔시티 | NEO CULTURE TECHNOLOGY (NCT)

(some members of nct is still under age, will not write any smut for underage 19+ and under nct members)

Taeyong

(SMUT) the dirty secret | nct smut series | TAEYONG,nct (4.5k words)

taeil

johnny

yuta

kun

doyoung

ten

(SMUT) the dirty secret | nct smut series | TAEYONG,nct (4.5k words)

jaehyun

winwin

jungwoo

lucas

mark

renjun

jeno

haechan

jaemin

chenle

jisung

갓세븐 | GOT7

Yugyeom

⭐️ (SMUT) lust of denial | got7 smuts | YUGYEOM,got7

Jackson

Jaebum

Jinyoung

Youngjae

BamBam

Mark

(SMUT) ewwww | got 7 smuts | MARK,got7

에스에프나인 | SENSATIONAL FEELING NINE (SF9)

Rowoon

Jaeyoon

Taeyang

Hwiyoung

(SMUT) guilty pleasures | sf9 smuts | HWIYOUNG,sf9 | 2.1k words

Dawon

Chani

Inseong

Youngbin

zuho

엑소 | EXO

Chanyeol

⭐️ (SMUT)breaking boundaries | exo smuts | CHANYEOL, exo

Suho

Xuimin

(SMUT) 01 | you’re mine | exo smuts | XIUMIN,exo

Chen

Kai

✖ Updated Apr 4, 2018 (FANFIC)degraded | KAI, exo | 8,806  words | |With 4 chapters | ON hold| In hopes of getting rid of Kim Jongin for ruining your life further after your friends with benefits disaster and your violent meltdown, you finally get him to agree to leave you alone for good give you some space…. you get a month of quiet. till one day he shows up at the same convenience store as you. from there he follows you home and fucks the shit out of you claiming you to be his again. Even with a girlfriend still on his arm your his play-toy again.Its all just a vicious never ending down spiraling cycle. He would never leave you alone. not until he calls it quits.what do you do when Kim Jongin won’t  leave you alone? degrading you until you disappear? welcome to degraded.

D.O

Lay

Baekhyun

⭐️ (MINI FANFIC) drunk bitch | exo smuts | BAEKHYUN,exo | 1 chapter | what if you got drunk and didn’t realize what you were doing? Baekhyun being your victim.

⭐️ (SMUT) human mate | exo smuts | BAEKHYUN,exo

(SMUT) forced | exo smuts | BAEKHYUN,exo

Sehun

✖ discontinued | LISTEN I wrote this fanfic when I was like 16 ish or 17 it was my very first fanfic and it was a FORBIDDEN mess I’m now about to be 26 and cringe so fucking hard at what my 16 year old self was up in here doing, mom should have beat my a** 🥊 anyways I still have this on the internet to show where I came from it’s been what 8 almost 9 years since I wrote this sicko book, which btw way was requested I remember exo-Ls back in the day were.... anways if you read spare me I was young 😂😂😂 (FANFIC) forbidden |  |15 chapters | SEHUN, exo |  57,146 words | ON HIATUS|  Sehun is your twin.You’re his twin sister.You love him, More than you should.You push him away.He pulls back.You hate him he hates you back.You’re strangers, and he knows that.He misses you.You miss him back, but a question?Does he love you like you love him?

(SCENARIO) chanyeol’s noona | exo smuts | SEHUN,exo

빅뱅 | BIGBANG

G-dragon

(SMUT) mean because I like you | GDRAGON,bigbang

(SCENARIO) how to tame a dragon | GDRAGON, bigbang

[miamonologues]

Females are strong as hell

Some lessons from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

This is a newly introduced series to me by my own Netflix algorithm and let me tell you, IT'S MY NEW FAVORITE ONE. I finished the series quickly because it was "unputdownable." I had to keep watching because the entertainment it provided served me well (it's practically my kind of humor). Despite being a comedy with a light-hearted ending, I kind of cried when it ended because, well, I had to keep going now with my own life. Back to boring paperwork and non-fiction reading. So instead of moping about it (and yes, I know I can just re-watch it again, but you and I know it'll feel different), I thought, why not list down SOME lessons I learned from its four main characters. I emphasized the word SOME because, believe me, you will learn so much more. Not just from the plot and these four characters but from the other characters that are unmentioned here. So here we go, what Kimmy, Titus, Jacqueline, and Lillian taught me.

What Kimmy taught me:

Kimmy taught me to not let your past define you, and being a late bloomer has a lot of advantages. Intentions are pure, ego untainted, and your presence becomes infectious. Sure, she may have missed a whole big chunk of her life, but she also realized how much she hasn't. The world will continue to evolve with or without us in it, so what's there to miss? We'll bloom just as much.

You will never do the world harm by choosing to be kind. It was always about helping people when it comes to Kimmy, which became one of her callings and ultimate purpose in life as the series escalated. While the people around her taught her that the world can be cruel sometimes, and we become accustomed to it, she chose to kill the cruelty with her unconditional kindness.

You can be tough without compromising your sweet and loving self. Kimmy had to learn the ins and outs of life's cycle. She may have suppressed her feelings and emotions at some point, but she knew that we're all entitled to all feelings. Which made her character very likable. Eventually, she learned anger, frustration, rage, and sadness. It wasn't always love and happiness, but she knew it was just part of our functioning.

Face your demons, but move forward while doing it. Trauma is not to be ignored by a person's past experiences. Even though Kimmy had trouble facing her past, she still did. But instead of staying in the past, she met it by saying, "yep, that's all that is. The past". It's not likely for someone like Kimmy to be at peace with her terrifying bunker past. Still, she is as the title says, unbreakable.

What Titus taught me:

He gave me a new light on how to view gay characters in a series. He is NOT your gay best friend, but an entire character and heroine that completes this show. An openly gay role in American entertainment is like a Hollywood Archetype for "sidekick/best friend to make serious and dark topics seem lighter and funny." Uhm, no. Titus is different. He is known for how unapologetic and opinionated he is. Making him a strong character that you should not be messing with.

He taught me to be expressive and passionate. It's not easy to in New York, a place to live your dreams and other people who chose it to live their dreams. Titus taught me to never compromise doing what you love for the sake of fortune and stability. Rent should've been taking notes.

He taught me to stay true and continue to pursue your ultimate dream. Despite his self-centered and lethargic temperament, he is authentic and resilient. His character improves in the series without compromising his beliefs and goals. Eventually, he got what he's always dreamed of. Along with Mikee, which btw, I STAN their relationship and I’ve been rooting for them since their first conversation.

What Jacqueline taught me:

She taught me to never forget to look back at where I came from. Like Kimmy, Jacqueline tried to forget and abandon her past. Although it wasn't because of trauma and suppressed emotions, Jacqueline became neglectful of her roots. After massive shifts in her life, she eventually decided to go back and embrace her family roots. Which provided not only her peace of mind but also to fulfill a purpose that is anchored towards her family's heritage. Throughout the rest of the series, we also see how she kept in touch with her family and how they have been supportive of her as she rebuilds her life.

She taught me that's it's okay to start again.  After several mishaps in her lavish lifestyle, Jacqueline realizes that she has much more worth than a trophy wife. Her character developed as much as well in the series. Dealing with divorce, being broke, and having no experience to start a career. She killed it anyways.

She taught me to learn how to unlearn. Coming from a wealthy and obnoxious lifestyle, Jacqueline had to keep up with her change of status, which made her humble herself and put others first. Whether it was for Kimmy or a random stranger. Even with how she tackled love and dating. In season 3, she fell in love with a man because of his compassion and care for the better (which she broke off eventually when that man became a narcissistic, self-serving being). Towards the end of the series, she questioned a man who was attracted to her. Pointing out that he should like her for who she is and not just for her looks. Kudos to Jacqueline for being able to do an easy job in starting all over again—and—being able to do it in style.

What Lillian taught me:

She taught me how to fight for what I believe in. With her unconventional ways and dispositions, Lillian was the more badass gal in the group with her continuous fight for anti-gentrification and preserving the neighborhood. Including its crime-filled community, kind-of-unhygienic but vintage establishments, and torn down structures and buildings (give it a break, it's an absurd comedy). Even though some of her character's dispositions are impractical, Lillian taught me to always fight for what I believe in. Even if our beliefs sound impractical, we have a voice. What better way to use that than to speak them out and who knows, maybe someone will listen and take action with you.

She taught me to not care about what others think of me. Like Titus, this is what Lillian has been throughout the series. True to herself. Even when she started dating a rich man, and Jacqueline insisted she had a makeover when she was about to meet his family, Lillian didn't comply. She liked who she is doesn't care what people think of her. In this new age of selfies and personal branding, caring what other people think has been mainstream since we got introduced to social media. We can't blame those who do care because the internet says so. So next time I find myself overthinking what others have to say about me, I'll think of Lillian.

Final thoughts:

First, to say that the series is relatable is a downplay. This series attacks topics through its characters about modern and mainstream problems about society. They tackle it absurdly and funnily, but still quite agreeable.

Second, you can learn a lot from these four characters, and it's unlikely that there is a character from these four that you will hate. Because once you watch it, you will admit to yourself that, at some point, you may have been like a Kimmy, Titus, Jacqueline, or Lillian in your life. And I don't just mean on their mistakes and blunders. Just the entirety of how they represent what their character stands for. Especially with how their characters develop as the series profressed. This series stays true because we are only humans who make mistakes just as much as we will make successes from these mistakes. It's the circle of life.

And lastly, it's pure comedic genius work that is woke and hella funny. Kudos to the creators of this show. It sucks that it only lasted 4 seasons. You will love joining these four people in their adventure through life. And I agree 1000% to the series' theme: Females are strong as hell.

P.S. I'm re-watching it again. Feel free to judge. And I love you, Tina Fey

[altarflame]

Let me give you this real country music breakdown.

Keeping in mind that 2019 involved lots of gut wrenching transition, including divorce and selling my home of 11 years (the longest I’ve ever lived anywhere). Moving away from the tropics, to a place where the ocean is usually too far and my plants can’t live outside through the winter. I had a kid move out and away, for the first time.   My oldest friend also died last August, after a scant 3 month long battle with cancer. It was a real plague upon my proverbial dog, wife, and pickup truck. And, of course, I’m living through a pandemic, and a long overdue but very emotional racial justice uprising, with the rest of you, now. Anyway. OTHER than those things, my 2020 has been like...My sister’s gradually, gut wrenchingly cut off all contact with me over the past couple of years, culminating in the last couple of months, whenst we no longer speaketh at all. I’ve fought hard for this to be different and it’s still very sharp. I don’t think I’ll ever give up hope, or stop making a fool of myself about it. A new friend I was starting to really care about hung herself in April. I’ve tried to be there for her husband and 5 year old daughter when and how I can, which is honestly not much. I’ve taken several people who were scared to go alone, to her grave.  I felt forced to break up with the person I thought was my soul mate, these past 3 years, and wanted to be with forever, and I have grieved it hard over the last couple of months. I’m still processing this. I’m gonna be processing this for awhile. My threshold for being anywhere near him without overwhelming sobbing is apparently approximately 45 seconds. In the beginning we were scrambled together, mixed in a celestial bowl and hand fluffed with a feather. And the tears of bliss were not amiss - it was a good day.  But the story nears the present time Of restlessness and wake up calls Wake up! Years have flown fast but then who's counting The wars have been won but there's few left standing between us And the shadows of Christmas past... Critically acclaimed but sadly underrated - Fortune definitely favored us, but no one celebrated. Our wits were splitting at their ends... We gazed upon the city lights We each laughed aloud one final time and agreed: This is one thing we'll miss... On his way out, he sabotaged my part time foster child’s mom’s tenuous, fragile relationship with me, so I no longer have the ability to connect with or help that child who he brought into my life. Who I love and wonder about and periodically hear horror stories about via mutual friends. I bent over backwards, I burned calories straining for that trust between the mom and myself.  

It’s so terrible sometimes. It hurts so bad. Jean-Paul. LAURA.   *MILLS*  . Coralye. FUCK. This post brought to you with plenty of hard crying, and no shortage of echoing painful music. I’m physically sick about this shit semi often.  I don’t normally let go of anybody, guys. But certainly not my fucking nearest and dearest.  I have a lot. I have SO MUCH. I know this. I feel good a lot of the time.  I have all 5 of my kids under this roof while the pandemic rages on, and they’re all healthy and beautiful and they all love me and talk with me. It’s mostly all cake these days with them, Elise telling me where she is in her own solitary reading for pleasure, Ananda cracking me up, Jake biking to the grocery store for treats to share, Aaron showing me something amazing in the yard, Isaac washing dishes and giving me weirdly helpful and totally unanticipated advice. They’re almost no work now, it’s all return on investment and I have tons of privacy and I use the fuck out of it.  I’m deeply in love with somebody these past 7 months. Being deeply in new love AND devastated-heartbroken about lost love at the same time is honestly dizzying, I spent a first destitute day thinking maybe I can’t do polyamory anymore, period. Maybe this is too fucking much and I’m gonna be alone and focus on my career and my goddamned plants. (<--not fucking really, obv I am not gonna let the pain win and go full hermit. Brief compelling temptation, though.) My career and my plants are great, btw, thanks for asking. I’ve got basically my dream job, it’s flexible and lackadaisical AND meaningful and challenging, it’s salaried with bonuses and hella benefits and amazing job security. It’s the whole thing, the culmination of 6 years in school and unpaid internships and volunteering. I even have a spare PRN position elsewhere that I mostly hang on to because it’s fun when they want me to come make $200 for a shift, to mix it up a little.  And I have solo projects, writing and web and mental health, all in the works, and they’re good.  I have seedlings sprouting. I have a yard that is pure magic, revealing new secrets each day.  I’ve got some of my oldest people, like Jess. I’ve got some exciting new people, like Jill.  The love, did I mention it? Holy shit. I’ve got Sterling, and that is a whole other story. That it’s been this good while things are this bad is pretty astounding. His own drama quotient has been off the charts, too. I almost can’t imagine how wonderful it would be if we weren’t constantly adrift in a sea of bullshit, though I also strongly suspect we both need a certain staggering minimum quota of bullshit. It’s no accident that we met mutually chasing along after the wake of the same madman’s chaos. We’re nursing some deep wounds in each other, waking up some old old hurts and soothing them back down smaller and smaller. Anytime we’re touching it’s either syrupy soma sweet, blazing inferno hot, or a staggering blend of the two - and then we pull apart to try to actually speak with whole brains, and inevitably take turns being baffled, just hilariously relieved, at how easy it is to communicate. We alternate coming at each other on tiptoe, braced, and then feeling confused and just.... amused? Skeptical? that the other is totally able to empathize with what was just said and is accepting it gently.  We don’t have a ton of objective stuff in common, on paper. We’re both very wordy and linguistic, we’re analyzers, we draw unusual people who will feel safe telling us insane things. We’re both hypersexual perverts, chronic pickers, we both wear too much black. It doesn’t go a lot further than that at a glance. We both have PTSD and ironclad outward facing coping skills, nostalgia for the Florida Keys, scientific skepticism mixed with some faith in magic.... we were both brilliant children who felt pretty isolated. But I haven’t ever really felt like anyone is loving me the way I love people, before. I’ve never even felt like anyone else received my love, the same way I intended it, or at least not all of it. It’s like the intensity of what I’m conveying and meaning when I kiss somebody’s cheek, I dunno man, he experiences it. The goofy flowing sense I have, of holding hands, he comments on it all the time. I’m not just like.... alone, in my overwhelm with being touched, or my enthusiasm for sensations, and that is honestly pretty new to me. Sterling is not tolerating my affection for my sake, and I’m still gradually adapting to that with periodic backsliding into hesitance, and unneeded apologies. It’s like we’re totally fluent in the precise same love language, so nothing gets lost, and the feedback loop is instantaneous.  He’s dark inside, but dark like Nine Inch Nail’s A Warm Place. Dark like the womb.  So as I was saying. I have so much. Including a candle that’s about Mills, and is burning behind me, giving me this slipping sense that I need to blow it out, I need to reserve it, it’s gonna be gone soon. This one spans so many feelings, it’s been positive, some new candle would be what, voodoo? Meddling? I don’t know. This one’s been in a drawer, with our ring buried in it (my dragon). What will I do with that ring? What will I do with all this love?  How can I contain so much, anyway? Why can’t anything ever replace anything else? It’s like infinite space, and the empty places just keep throbbing, and it’s like I sprout new spots for new fullness and the cavities pulse on.  I’m deeply grateful for a certain self-completeness I’ve come to understand that I have, and that not everyone does. I am resiliant A-motherfucking-F (<--meta vulgar!). AND YET. OW OW OW.  I’m sitting here trying to exposure therapy my way through my Mills playlist, as I write this, so Spotify can’t surprise me into sads anymore. I’ve gotten already to a place where sometimes i remember positive things purely positively, and laugh and tell a story and it’s ok. I’m bitter as all hell that I can’t even talk to my sister about this breakup, after she had so many stupid goddamned feelings about the relationship itself, about polyamory in general, about ever knowing him (which might have allowed her to help me grieve at all).  Sigh. I love the internet, maybe feel free to send me a message if you’re still reading, whoever the fuck you are <3

[jiminieloved]

Anon: Have you ever found yourself thinking "Hm, maybe I read this wrong?" when you noticed some moments between Jk and Jm. By the way, I don't mean to say that they are "absolutely not" a couple (Although we'll never be sure unless they officially say it). As a supporter I have found myself sometimes thinking that maybe I'm "delulu" (as people like to call us supporters) and that maybe I'm just reading too much into it (pt.1) 

I feel like I think that way due to all the fans calling us "sick in the head", delusional, etc. But I just remember thinking that some of Jm and Jk's interactions were more intimate (when I entered the fandom, btw) and that's what led me to think: are these guys dating? When I entered the fandom, the first thing I came across was "taekook" and I looked into it out of curiosity (I used to be an anime fan so I knew about shipping, just jot with real people). sorry this is long And honestly I thought their relationship was cute, but nothing ever hit me in the face quite like Jk and Jm's relationship.

 I actually didn't "research" about the ship until months later bc of how popular "taekook" and "yoonmin" were (I don't know why but those 2 ships were being thrown at my face). Then I saw some videos (Not kookmin related videos) that got me thinking that these two guys had something going on. In fact, I was confused bc at the time there wasn't that much "jikook" going around the internet. In fact, I saw more videos saying that Jk hated Jm than anything else (I was lost bc what I was seeing told me the contrary). So I dived a little deeper into the internet and found some stuff that explained Jk's personality and reaction to Jm's affection. I then decided that people were dumb for spreading stuff such as "Jk hates Jm" and continued stanning bts 

Then came BS&T era and at this point I had learned about fan service and all of that, which could explain some stuff (although the fan service stuff never made me think "oh, yeah they're definitely dating), but I still felt something different coming from them. Time goes by and we get gifted with GCFT and at that moment I am 100% convinced they're dating. But during the same time, there was so much negativity and, may I dare say, rejection going on (don't know if I'm making myself clear) That's also when I started questioning myself bc I was afraid of "fetishizing" or being "stupid" and not focusing on the brotherly bond the members share between them. So I don't know if it's bc of the backlash and fandom or if you've also noticed some moments that seemed off. (Of course I'm not saying all couples need to be lovey dovey 24/7). Idk how to properly explain this, some moments seem so real and others seem off so I wanted your opinion. Thanks (sorry it was long :( )

I think you honestly have a healthy mindset. And honestly, if you’re worried that you’re fetishizing, you’re probably not. (It’s those that are making gross and overly sexual implications about a ship all the time with no regard for actual LGBT+ people and their struggles that are usually guilty of fetishizing.) It’s a complex topic, but based on what you’ve written to be me here I honestly get the feeling you are not fetishizer. 

At the end of the day, we’re likely never going to receive any absolute proof one way or the other. Bighit profits off shipping narratives, so even if they weren’t real, they wouldn’t tell us to stop. However, I do think that if we reach a point as fans where we are making the boys uncomfortable, they will set limits. (Ex: ‘Get out of your imagination’). 

There’s a lot of toxic discourse in this fandom because there are a lot of toxic people, and there’s a lot of name-calling and bullying. I’m sorry that its affected you to the point of thinking of yourself in these negative terms. 

Rosebowl, GCFs, their dynamics, and the shift in their dynamics specifically (going from roughousing buddies to very gentle and coddling with each other) is what sticks out to me as different. If they acted the same way with each other today as they did in 2014 I wouldn’t have this blog and I wouldn’t be spreading some of these topics. But there’s been a clear shift in their dynamics toward something gentler and more intimate. It doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a couple, but something is different. 

If it was just one specific moment that made me a supporter, I wouldn’t be here. But it’s a myriad of moments combined with subtle looks, touches, pet names, grand gestures, and a shift in dynamic (including a shift in hyung-dongsaeng roles that is culturally unusual) that’s odd for friends to go through that hints to me something is different between the pair. 

I don’t know if this answers your question, but these are my thoughts.