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oh-no-its-bird · 2 months

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Ok, so. Smashing together my recent posts (stoner Itama / the secret Senju weed empire money / co-dependent twins Itama and Tobirama) to make a cohesive narrative:

So, Itama survives AU.

In this, Itama and Tobirama are twins. They're very close, arguably closer to each other than Hashi is to either of them.

Growing up, after Kawarama died, Hashirama found a new friend in his boy by the river. Meaning the twins were sort of left to mourn on their own, their older brother no longer as interested in playing with them. They got to be almost dangerously codependent, and their father only encouraged it bc they were also training to fight as a duo, and the codependency made the team synergy go crazy hard.

On that note, they're absolutely terrifying in battle together for sure. They're nightmares on their own already, but together?? Let's say that as long as they're fighting side by side, they're on the same level as Hashirama himself.

Itama grows up to be a scientist like Tobirama, but in a different field of science— ✨️plants✨️

Itama is like, a bioengineer for plants. He's crossbreeding the fuck out of these bad boys, finding ways to amplify certain traits in some plants, erase them altogether in others, or mixing them up for the best of both worlds. Full doctor Frankenstein plant edition

It's fun bc he often gets help from both of his brothers, and he's also able to help the both of them in turn!

Hashirama helps with growing plants, meaning Itama doesn't have to wait the years this research would usually take. He can go from nothing to having his final product in days flat when it should have taken a fucking lifetime to do. If he fucks up it's no stress bc as long as he has the seeds, Hashirama can just grow him a new plant to start from! All he needs is one single seed and an entire world of new possibilities is unlocked.

On top of all that, the mokuton can affect the plants in ways growing by regular time doesn't, so Itama also gets to play with special mokuton plants too

Then Itama can give Hashirama all sorts of new plants to potentially use in battle, tho Hashirama doesn't seem to want to use want against the Uchiha. But like. He has them!! And it's fucking terrifying!!! Plus they can just in general bond over being plant enthusiasts. If Hashi finds a cool new plant or vice versa they can get excited about it together

Tobirama understands all to most of Itama's research, at least in theory, and will often help with his experiments. Likewise, Itama also understands all to most of Tobirama's own research (at least in theory) and can help him in return. Having their own specific fields of interest, they're often bringing a fresh pair of eyes and different thought process to the others experiments, and it's great for them both. SO many results.

Itama is let in on most of Tobirama's projects, and even if he's not helping he generally knows what he's working on and vice versa. They have few secrets and its actually just in general very good for Tobirama specifically. Like, mentally and support wise.

Because Itama never died to serve as that final push over the edge, and was instead there to offer emotional support, Tobirama didn't turn to necromancy. (If he had tho, Itama would have been fully on board— sorry Hashirama) Instead, maybe he's spending that time being even more focused on cool time/space jutsu or something.

So like, all grown up he's a poison specialist with a major wind chakra attribute and minor fire attribute. His main weapon is a pipe, which he just smokes normally on top of using its smoke as a weapon. He can put so much pressure into the smoke that it becomes physical, and can then be used as a blunt force weapon (on top of ofc the smoke being used as just smoke, and having different effects on its own)

He's immune to a lot of his smokes effects, but has special extra powerful versions of most of his go to weaponized smokes that are so strong they work even on him. Obviously, he doesn't usually use these in battle, but they're there as a last resort

Fun sort of chain reaction attack where he disperses some super flammable powder or smoke then tosses in a single spark and it goes up like fucking fireworks. Or a cool combo attack where Tobirama provides hella fog with whatever water is nearby, and Itama condenses it so thickly that it chokes out their enemies without having to lift a single finger.

He can make like, platforms of smoke to stand on or use as shields, and he's especially good at deflecting and redirecting enemy attacks with carefully condensed smoke shields summoned up at just the right angles. Like, imagine you throw a kunai and it bounces off some invisible platform, then off ANOTHER invisible platform, and somehow its still gaining momentum (propelled by summoned winds or wrapped in a slightly solidified veil of smoke thats moving it on its own) and hits you right in the eyes

He absolutely fucks around with making all SORTS of custom effects with whatever he's smoking, which also brings us to the idea that got me here in the first place ->

Ok so the joke about the Senju having a secret weed empire where they sell ultra special mokuton weed, but it happens fr in this AU bc of Itama.

Stoner Itama deciding he can make the weed even better and forgetting what the word self-control means and making objectively the best weed in the naruto world. Ultra delux genetically modified mokuton grown senju weed.

Tobirama kind of gets on him for it at first (not liking the idea of mind-altering substances) but then tries some and stares dead silent at a wall for 10 hours then silently gets up, makes several scientific breakthroughs, then passes out dead on the floor.

They get Hashirama in on it and start mass producing, then start selling it and very quickly and mostly accidentally create a secret senju weed empire (oops?) which also gives them hella funds or the war and other things

No one can even reproduce their weed bc they need the Mokuton to grow it right, they have no competition in the market. AND their product safety/quality is insane bc Tobirama's perfectionist ass helps oversee it

Bc of Itama's interference, Izuna lives, and when they make Konoha the weed money means the first shinobi war doesn't happen bc they can afford to bribe officials they couldn't before (and probably have a uhh. Much more relaxed Kage meeting that year.)

You can't go to war with Konoha !!! That's where all the best ninja weed comes from !!!

Itama and Izuna get along really well actually. Izuna's cringe fail ass does NOT know how to smoke and refuses to admit it, he also becomes Itama's favorite test subjects for new product bc he and his brothers tolerance levels are insane so they need like, a normal guy to try shit on

As a person, Itama is one of those really friendly, charming, easy to get along with guys who seem to have a ton of friends— but when you look a bit closer you quickly notice that while many of those friends share their woes with him, he doesn't really with them. He has lots of friends but isn't really close to any.

He's a pretty good mix of his brothers, seeming friendly and cheerful like Hashirama but much more down to earth, and with the same ruthless streak as Tobirama underneath all the gentle mannerisms. He might be more ruthless than either of his brothers when it really comes down to it, but he's very slow to strike or anger, and virtually no one but his brothers and Touka really know he even has that side to him.

He's Konoha's lead poisons expert, is 100% aware and helping Tobirama with all of his especially fucked up experiments, and honestly that should tell you enough— but most tend to get distracted by the soft smiles and sleepy expression.

Art interlude ->

Anyways uhhh. All of this only exists bc I started thinking ab stoner Itama getting dumped face first into modern Konoha with Izuna, the two of them having been hiding after pissing off Madara for unimportant reasons. They don't realize they're not in their Konoha, and proceed to run from Madara (who they still think is mad at them)

Meanwhile Madara is losing his fucking MIND trying to chase down the ghost of his brother, and also some guy...? Who is that actually? He doesnt really give a shit tbh, Izuna oh god please come back here— ARE YOU FUCKING HIGH RIGHT NOW?

@fashionredalert : Zetsu lived in fear of Itama because itama would have made him into an edible That's why zetsu is two colors, itama smoked one half of him before zetsu managed to escape. One half intact the other half charred black

Please?? The closest hes been to death in years.

Itama was put on this earth to smoke everything he physically can, he hasnt been sober since he was 13, he no longer knows the meaning of fear or sanity. If it can burn he can smoke it

Hes holding one of those tiny Zetsu's going "Hey look at this fucked up plant I found :DD" then taking it straight into the weed lab

Zetsu specifically had him killed in canon bc he knew he'd grow to be too powerful pass it on

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maschotch · 2 years

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I started watching cm from season one again because i got to season 12 and realised that basically all the castmembers have been changed, and then Hotch was on his way out and I just can’t handle change too well… anyways, what I’ve realized is that Hotch was a lot more funny at least in the first season than in the rest of the seasons. Like, he’d just get these funny one-liners that are probably made even funnier because I know him from season 11/12 where he’s as bland as white bread (affectionate)

early seasons hotch my beloved…

i do think some of the tonal shifts were just from writing changes as they settled into the typical archetypes associated with crime dramas (especially after they gideon was replaced by rossi, since they needed a serious counterpart to restore the balance). they lost a lot of nuance very early on once they got into the rhythm of pumping out episodes that would ensure more viewers. which is to be expected, i guess, but there really is something truly special about the first season of the show.

that being said, i think it’s also kinda fitting for his character?

season one hotch is still new to being unit chief. he was accustomed to a supporting role, which allowed him to be more casual and laid back around the others (though he was always at least somewhat serious). we meet him right as he starts to shift into the mode of professionalism, and from the easygoing way the older team members, like morgan and garcia, interact with him—teasing, flirting, complaining, just overall seeming more comfortable—they’re used to him being at least somewhat responsive to their banter. and he still is—especially in season one—but there’s a modicum of gravity to his actions, realizing that there’s more at stake

it becomes all too clear to him when he’s not overtly clear with his instructions to anderson, and elle nearly dies because of it. we get a vague sense that some things have changed in the time before the show begins, but the contrast between season one and season two hotch is glaringly obvious. he slipped up. he failed them. he doesn’t have time to mess around like he used to; he has to prioritize the team’s safety, even if it means establishing a barrier that hadn’t existed before. i think the importance of that is amplified by gideon’s struggles: hotch realizes very quickly that ultimately it is his responsibility to maintain order within the team. he cuts back on the jokes and establishes a more severe demeanor—especially with the obvious plant sent by strauss to keep an eye on him (though emily wasn’t aware of it at the time)

the final nail in the coffin is gideon’s departure. from a writing standpoint and a character standpoint: gideon had his moments but he was pretty dry, whereas rossi is more sardonic and playful in nature. not wanting to overburden the team dynamic with goofiness, they needed to sober hotch’s character a bit. within the story itself, hotch as a character feels even more pressure to be the voice of reason, transitioning from the protective older brother to the attentive and morally upright father. he can’t mess around with the team as much as he used to. even if he could, with the mounting guilt of losing elle then gideon—plus all the other crazy shit that happened in season two—it would be hard for him to engage with them so flippantly

as the trauma continues to build over the seasons for both the team and himself (haley leaving, kate dying, the foyet business, haley dying, jj getting ripped away, emily “dying”), by the end of season six he’s haggard and weary in an entirely new way. the last few years were brutal for him, and he takes responsibility for everything that happens to the team as well. the jokes have all but disappeared. he can still find it within himself to be lighthearted at times, especially around garcia and reid, but overall he’s just too stressed out to even feel the urge

with emily’s return i think things begin to settle. the team is healing, and although they’ll never be the same, it’s still a little easier for him to smile. whether it’s because he feels some sense of accomplishment from finally being able to save someone or simply because it’s been enough time for him to process all that other shit, he gradually opens up and allows himself to appreciate the warmth of those around him. as the seasons continue, i think it gets easier and easier. he’s still serious and hard to read at times, but the best example i can think of is how cheerful he is when he hugs kate goodbye and how supportive he is of tara splitting the job so she can follow her dreams. he’s not as uptight anymore, not nearly as high strung. there’s still a little tension, he still blames himself for too much, but he has enough support that he can enjoy a night out at a jazz club with dave or karaoke with the team.

i do like the early seasons way more and i did have to stop around season 12 the first time before finishing the show a few years later. truly i didn’t really mind the main cast starting to break away (i had already faced that particularly brand of heartache when i watched season 8 for the first time and emily wasn’t there), though i do see how it can be jarring. it’s been more than a decade: changes are bound to happen. thankfully it’s just a show, so we can take a break before coming back to it later when we’ve had more time to adjust

most of my complaints from the later seasons are more about the writing than anything else. starting with season 11 i think the overall plots get sloppy and it’s clear they’re just trying to crank up the drama. which again, i suppose, is to be expected. truthfully i think the genius of criminal minds was just a fluke to begin with. but it’s still kind of painful to see the steep quality decline—and jumping from various eras in cm is always a bit jarring. i’d like to think it’s more than just nostalgia that keeps the early seasons special, but it’s entirely possible it’s been shit the whole time and it’s just easier to notice when it’s shot in high definition

#and to be fair i love some of the newer cast members!!#luke is my best friend!!#so i'd encourage you to give it a shot when you're ready for it :)#oh and don’t fucking kid yourself—hotch has ALWAYS been normcore saltine white boy #he was just willing to crack a couple jokes in the beginning #asks #cm crit #<- kinda ig #all this to say i'm not utterly disappointed by the changes in hotch's character #i do wish we got to see a bit more of his playful side later on (and we get a glimpse every now and then)#but it's not the same #there's something about the season one team dynamic.. where they haven't explicitly labelled each other family ..#but they all still feel it...#idk. it's just. special #ANYWAY. stop sending me asks that i have to write essays for kajshdlgs im tryna write for today's prompt

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