#this is me trying to cover up my sadness
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I JUST LISTENED TO MAG 160 IM SCREECHING IM RUNNING AWAY IM DEAD IM ALIVE IM CRYING IM YELLING IM THROWING UP IM DYING IM MOVING TO ALASKA IM WEEPING IM FALLING IM TRIPPING IM ON DRUGS IM BEING BURIED ALIVE, IM BEING INFESTED BY MAGGOTS IM GETTING CUT BY MICHAEL IM OPEINING HELENS DOOR IM GIVING MY RIB AWAY TO A FLESH MAN IM PERFORMING SURGERY ON MY EMPLOYEE IM BEING STRANGLED BY A DETECTIVE IM HAVING MY HAND BURNT OFF BY A WOMAN CALLED JUDE PERRY IM BEING SENT ON A WILD GOOSE CHASE TO FIND A RITUAL THAT FAILED IM BEING EXPLODED AND WAKING UP NOT FULLY HUMAN IM READING A BOOK CALLED "A GUEST FOR MR SPIDER." IM CHASING MY BOYFRIEND INTO THE LONELY AND TEARING APART PETER LUCAS IM SAYING LOOK AT THE SKY MARTIN LOOK AT THE SKY. ITS LOOKING BACK.
#the magnus archives#tma s4#tma spoilers#tma shitpost#tma funny#tma podcast#tma#jon sims#jonathan sims#martin blackwood#mag 160#jon x martin#jmart#I KNOW WHAT THE SAFEHOUSE MEANS NOW!!!!!!!!#I CAN READ SO MANY FICS#this is me trying to cover up my sadness#FUCK YOU ELIAS#I HATE HIM
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tbh didnt really like how bisma's arc about her relationship to her headscarf was handled. Her braider was completely out of line and not challenged on it. There was this constant idea that being black and being muslim were separate. That she was exploring other parts of herself when being muslim and black isnt an experience that you can take apart like that. It seems to indicate that theres one way to be black and it involves being visibly less muslim and i think if we were shown more of a black muslim community around bisma and better rep of black muslims in we are lady parts this idea would be very obviously shown to be wrong in the show.
to be clear i dont think bisma having an arc around showing her hair more is bad, or even tieing it with wanting to wear braids like the black women around her or for any other reason, but the way its set up 'tobi, i'm muslim' 'yeah but we're black too', just sets up this idea of two parts of an identity in conflict with each other which doesnt speak to the way black muslim communities have tied their religion and culture together in such beautiful ways and i wish that was being represented on this show.
#tbh a crtique i had in s1 was how the (very few) black muslims were all shown to have the same turban headscarf#i think it works for bisma but i think having other characters with different headscarf options is also important#especially with the scaling back of amina's headscarf the way hijab is presented in season 2 really didnt speak with me like it did in s1#it feels like everyones trying to compromise with it rather than celebrate it in this show about muslims which is sad tbh#also fuck tobi 'youre really gonna cover up my work like that' thats not your head mate#we are lady parts#i also think they didnt tie the headscarf to how people percieve bisma as older#motherly etc very well i think#headcarfs dont age anyone on their own
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Fighting DEMONS rn trying not to get invested in one piece to figure out wtf you're posting about!!!!
come here cyber.... we have this thang
#mp answers#i've been trying so hard not to be annoying to my bnha friends but if you will allow me to push this for this ask let me say 🙏#if you're afraid of the episode count for one piece the manga is a lot quicker read while being just as enjoyable because the art style is#an actual delight. its great its fantastic im absolutely in love with it#the series is soooo good and i know luffy can seem unappealing to people before they start but he's just SUCH a great character & continues#to be even now. the story is SO GOOD the characters are SO GOOD... theres so much lore and world building that its insane#if you read the manga we get 'cover stories' on what's going on with previous characters to see what theyre up to even though we moved on#from where we left them. a lot of these cover stories blend into the main story so well its just seamless#there's one where we get introduced to a character we dont see hundreds of episodes into the anime and they show up like; during the second#saga. the series is about traveling to other islands and every single arc has been tied to another in some way or form that shows up later#even if its sagas and sagas later- it still becomes relevant again!! it's a huge ongoing story and there isnt a single arc that feels like#it has no purpose (sans filler in the anime-but even then!! some filler arcs are really entertaining!)#it's emotional! its sad! its downright stupid and silly but GOD... you can feel the love that oda put into this series and his characters#and the emotions in the expressions and the messages the story gives off it just makes me UEUHGHHAHGHH!!!#it's all about the adventure and the romance of it all! its about the freedom it brings and bringing freedom to others!#its a series where treasure should be a focus given its pirates and the its a giant treasure hunt for the one piece and yet! and yet so man#of the characters treasures are things that are not coins and gems but people and promises and family and and#im going to EXPLODE i love one piece
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I found some pictures of me from 2019 and I'm experiencing such indescribable emotions
#shes so much fatter her face is wider and its covered in acne and patchy red marks#her hair is still its natural colour#she still has black glasses#she is NOT dressing like somebody who is trying to look nice. i think she gave up#i like looking at her tho. i dont hate it. i used to hate looking at pictures at the time#but im actually happy i still have them. i like her#makes me very grateful that i found something to treat my skin. the acne used to make me so sad#im so happy i dyed my hair. im so happy i like looking at me now#her bodytype is actually very cute tho. i wouldnt have minded if that didnt change kinda makes me feel awkwardly scrawny by comparison#i dont know what im trying to say it just feels WEIRD and i wanna cry but im not sure in a happy or sad way#she just looks so different from me in so many uncomfortable ways. i know she feels very ugly#i like her. i liked seeing her. she was cute in her own way#im happy that she doesnt feel ugly anymore
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#just needed to vent for a sec but oh god am i tired of people#'friends' both irl and online got me fucked up lately#mental healths been in the shitter almost nonstop this year#familys always got me up the wall#i just feel like I'm constantly treading water and i am *tired*. like so fucking TIRED#it's never enough; it's too much; no not like that; but not that either; it's all wrong wRoNg WrOnG#ik im sleep deprived and possibly pms-y and that is most certainly not helping things rn but...#gods i see less and less of a reason to get out of bed and bother with anything ever again#wtf is the purpose#i can't keep friends to save my life bc im apparently a fuckin doormat and interesting as unflavored rice or smth#how hard is it to feel like you maybe sorta kinda matter and aren't an unlovable worthless piece of shit#years of therapy; trying meds; everything under the sun.... and nothing. lows and highs and dips of every kind and yet ..nothing#and maybe im just very much in my feelings rn and just yelling into the void.. but it hurts and im tired of pretending it doesn't.#i hate how hard it is to make friends as an adult especially irl. and how gossipy and cliquey and gross and mean ppl can be#of getting called childish and naive and boring for wanting to be a decent person and having interests outside of partying#(not attacking those traits but tired of getting attacked for *not* being 'fun' enough or 'social' enuf or 'sensitive' for having feelings)#enough*#i just want to go eat drywall and stand in the rain and let it help me pretend im not crying blood rn.#like every cell in my body isn't trying to spontaneously combust.#'it gets better' ..yeah? when. when i was 14? when i was 23? when im 37? when im 55? 82? WHEN.. bc im so sick and tired#and no this isn't me writing a final note or whatever it sounds like; i just wanted to word vomit bc ive never been good w sadness#and ive got such an overwhelming amount of it rn i can't even turn it into anger & spite & use that for productivity... i just want to rot#to lie down and be covered by plants as i sleep and just slowly fade into a cloud or smth like it's a ghibli movie or wtv.#im like shaking from how stupidly emotional i feel rn. the lack of empathy these days is fuckin astounding#common sense & empathy are lacking in absolutely droves these days. some days i hate the internet & tech for its irreparable damages sm#but here we are and here it shall remain. long after us; and *long* after us ..... *sigh*#anyway ima go try to take a nap or smth. I'll see ya when i see ya. take care my lovelies#if u read all this i prob owe you a cookie lol
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Anyway I got notified that I'll be getting a nice $$ bonus from work today and I wish that I could celebrate with someone in a way that didn't just feel like obnoxious bragging. Like beyond the financial aspect, it's just nice to be recognized for good work and I actually feel... good?? about this job??
But it feels so silly to say I want to celebrate when I just got back from what felt like my first real vacation in a very long time and am doing cool comic con stuff this weekend and am scheduled for a new tattoo next weekend. I am already doing lots of things to try to make myself feel good! It feels selfish to want more!
But I guess even with all of that, there's just still a hunger for external validation from trusted sources. Will I ever grow out of wanting someone to be proud of me?
#stoned ramblings#life of faye#i swear I'm not as sad right now as this makes me sound just kinda lonely is all#work bonus#boss also said that if i wanted to take on more responsibility we could talk raises as well#and like most days I'm done by like 1 so it's not like I'm wildly overworked as it is#I'm going to set some aside for fun stuff and the rest is going in my savings#i am finally FINALLY trying to build up a savings again#it's probably a silly dream but I still want to save up for a house#so what else can i do but try and save?#rent's gone up so damned much everywhere that for somewhere halfway decent it costs about as a mortgage to rent anyway#the only reason my rent is semi-managable is because I've been here for 8 damn years so they haven't been able to drive it up as much#other apartments here start at hundreds more per month for new tenants#so i feel like I'm stuck here until i can afford a place#my one real hope is that I inherit enough from my midwest grandma when she passes to make a good down payment somewhere#sometimes to torture myself I like to go look at houses that I think are in my approximate realistic price range if i could cover the down#i want a yard for velma#i want to be able to open my blinds and/or windows and not feel like a whole apartment complex's worth of people can see me#i want a kitchen where all the burners work and I have enough counter space to work#i want a dryer system where my apartment doesn't get filled with warm wet air when the neighbors are doing their laundry#i want to do nude gardening#and have backyard bbqs with friends#i want enough dedicated space to do art that i don't constantly have to shuttle the easel around the living room and up and down the stairs#all pipe dreams i know#but hey the grandma did say that i was one of her three main inheritors in the will#so we'll see#just to be clear she has not passed but she's nearing 90 and keeps talking about it so it's hard not to think about you know?#anyway these are the sorts of things that i would talk about if I had someone to cuddle on the couch and talk to about my day#texts to nobody
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I really hate how my physical body looks so so so much. unfortunately there isn't much I can do about it.
#ive got fat genetics from both parents families going back generations and ive been trying to lose weight forever#my stupod body likes being fat i can excercise like crazy and eat barely anything and i wont lose anything#i was excercising 2+ hours a day before i got sick and it made me stronger but i.stayed fat. now that im sick im weak and still fat.#and im not the kind of fat anybody can find pretty. if i could somehow not be fat id be decent to look at my face isnt bad#my skin is bad though my skin sucks#in my eyes im disgusting#and its so messed up because i dont think other fat people are gross#but i hate how i look so much that i cant imagine anyone being okay with it#like no matter how kind and understanding and sweet i am to people its never gonna make up for the fact that my body is grossly ugly#and i cant blame anyone for not liking me i get it.#sorry#this is a problem i have#bacause i just usually pretend my body doesnt exist and i wear pretty loose fitting dresses that cover me completely so but#even though i am what i am#sometimes you happen to meet a nice person and they are polite and dont seem disgusted by your existance so then your traitorous brain t#thinks hey maybe this person would be willing to marry us someday if they got to know us. which is so silly becuz theres no way thatd ever#so it makes me sad when i should be happy that a nice person talked to me. yay good job successful friendlyness. but it has to remind me#that i had this expectation from when i was a kid that id marry somone and have at least 3 kids and love my kids and take care of them and#give them everything i needed when i was a kid. and of course that never happened. because i never dated anyone. because people dont just#magically get married out of nowhere. its stupid. so i keep trying to be okay with whatever. but i guess i never stopped wanting a family.#which we know im aroace now so. i need to stop. but my brain is always bothering me about this.#why can't i just accept that no one will ever love me. why cant i be happy that they dont?#ive got cats#someday i will have irl friends again#sorry i think everything would be so much easier if i was just#this isnt a problem with an easy solutiom#i guess im gonna try to do the useless excercises again because at least it will look like im trying even though nothing will change
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casually talked about my disability with my professor and casually tried not to cry talking about the struggles of this semester
#'yeah i mean there were days i couldnt get get out of bed without feeling like i was gonna throw up' *choked sob* *covers mouth*#'anyways yeah thats actually why i missed class last week' *sob* 'uh so yeah its been hard to communicate consistently with the team cus-#*cringes* 'my meds make me really drousy. well my old ones did. my new ones are better'#perhaps i am not over being chronically ill and i need to mourn a little more and feel my clearly still there sad feelings#i was really trying hard to keep my voice even and i dont think it worked! agh.#but guess whos registrating with the students with disabilities dept ! me lmao#rant rant rant
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unearthing childhood treasures I thought I lost and feeling like Christmas came early
please i thought i lost you. hello again
#since i fled home i didn't get to keep many things from when i was a kid#i was trying to remember the name of this book weeks ago for a conversation. thought I'd never remember#went looking for something ELSE tonight for my partner and instead found the book!!#it's not a good book. like I said I read it as a kid lol#a little dishevelled and the pages are all yellowed but considering i got it secondhand in the first place it's in such good nick#ironically it involves a lot of blood drawing and hospitals and IV drips which is a bit ??? if you know me at all#it earns an honorary place in with the rest though. special boy sticker for sentimental value#I looked up the title after and found out they modernised the cover image to this tacky as hell nonsense#its so sad. what have you done to my boy#Devotio Newsletter
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ok soim gonna ramble about the wedding in the tags cos this is my diary lol kitty dont read this (she's not been on tumblr in ages it should b fine pfft)
#personal#ok so first of all it was a very overwhelming but amazing day!#the food was INCREDIBLE lol i honestly want the recipe for the chickpea fritters (that were covered in sesame seeds) like asap lol#sad i never got to have an italian pizza#(partly cos i was mainly w/ my mum who cant eat too much wheat rip...)#the venue was also amazing! there were all these animals (it's like a sanctuary thing?)#it was a shame it was cloudy and rainy that day but it wasnt too bad lol#(like look im english i'm used to it being rainy and cloudy 90% of the time pfft)#the actual vows ceremony part was honestly a highlight#i cried lol (it was a mixture of things... i was tired and overwhelmed... also i love my sister a lot ofc lol)#(also didnt help my mum was bawling her eyes out next to me pfft)#(also wasnt the only one cos when we went to say goodbye all my other sister's were crying too pfft...)#her husband's family were a Lot but all super lovely!#what was really funny is that they sat us on tables w/ a mixture of italian and english guests#and on both our table and one of the others everyone was bonding by showing each other pictures of their pets pfft#(mainly cats lol)#the dj wasnt that great pfft (yes i was mainly annoyed that there was no kpop cos i think my sis said she wanted to include some...)#i did get up and dance v awkwardly (mainly forced to by one of his sisters pfft) but it was fun lol#ohh and her dress(es) were seriously stunning!#the one for the main ceremony was like a classic victorian(?) sorta style#with an amazinggg 30s style veil!#her evening dress was shorter and she'd sewn the flowers we'd all been helping make for her on it#and it was honestly just so gorgeous#(i might try posting some of pics of it if i can?)#she also made her husband's waistcoat which matched the colours in her dress :')#struggling writing this rn cos i have a very needy cat trying to demand attentino lol#(we picked them up from the cattery today and i think they had a p tough time :(((( i missed them so much honestly)#anyway so the not so great things were the photographers (which ?? there were two ??? why ??)#they were really invasive and annoying lol#half my family couldnt even see my sis get married cos they were in the way ugh
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IT'S HERE!!!
sooo happy with it honestly. looks fantastic, sounds great. really glad that things got sorted out because whoooo boy was that a wild ride just to get this thing in my hands loll
(ordered the album here, for anyone interested btw ;o;)
#spectre says#hitman#agent 47#hitman: codename 47#hitman c47#photography#vinyl#soundtrack#for all the trouble this buying process ended up being at least i ended up with the right album in the end#discs are perfect quality. cover looks so nice#kinda sad i couldn't keep the other album they mistakenly gave me tho but eh. at least i got the one i paid for#hoping to maybe get the soundtrack for Contracts sometime in the future as well but we'll see#would've gotten more pics of the cover but my phone camera gives me so many issues#so this is what y'all are gettin#(also lol ignore my messy bed i was trying to take a nap when it arrived xD)
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bro i swear ara might be one of my Favorite characters she makes me so sad but i also like girly get a grip 😭 i love the way u write everbody especially sokka because hes so different but still has his yk quirks and tbh when ppl write him romantically they kinda leave it out
heres ara cuz i am this 🤏🏻 Close to just giving her a playlist since shes so ..woman. yk what i mean??
anyway i kinda Imagine her cut to be simliar to zuko and very uneven cuz bro Zhao will not acutally give a fuck to at least make it nice
this is just a fall from grace even tho its Basically the best thing right now since shes away from all that crazy shit
OMG ITS THE GIRL! The one & only Ara!!! I love how you did a before and after, girl thought she had her shit handled! Only to have her shit handed to her. She has serious sad girl energy but you’re so right she needs to handle it haha.
Thank you so much for this I am squealing with joy you’re amazing!!!
#omg if you make ara a playlist PLEASE share with me#I have some Ara songs too that every time I hear them I’m just like damn it girl get it together#ara made a mess and then made a bigger mess by trying to cover it up#she’s actually a deeply self centered person who has been conditioned from a young age to use and abuse#she doesn’t realize how much damage she is doing by pretty much stalking sokka haha#it’s easy for me to be like come on ara get up and get it together because I’m not experiencing what she’s dealing with because I think#at this point in the story she is seriously at the lowest#girls got NOTHING#I mean some ‘friends’ who she refuses to be friendly with & occasionally sokka yells at her#it’s funny you mention her hair looking like zuko because in all fairness she does look a lot like zuko haha#probably while zhao picked her out ha#let’s not dig too deeply into that lol#tis a whole can of worms#but seriously my jet loving mutual this is amazing#your style is so cool I love it#thanks for taking the time to draw our sad girl#we gotta dilf chapter next chapter then we’ll check back in with the girls.#aka azula & squad#suki & Katara (it’s about time out fire bender got a check up to see if he’s cleared for training)#gosh I love putting Katara and zuko in a room because it always leads to shouting#anywayyy you’re amazing thank you#jet-apologistmybadhomies#liab#ITF#fanfic art
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ah shit only just realised its september now.... lets hope the rest of this month isn't like this.....
#just med shit innit. gonna force myself up at my usual work time even tho i have the day off bc I need to be in my routine or ill lose it#i am. very tired and very sad. and thats ok generally im ok ive been keeping myself so busy for weeks and weeks#and im glad im going out n doing shit often n meeting new ppl n trying to focus more on hobbies n get more on the life balance#but whenever i have a moment to stop i still get so sad. ik exactly why theyre all just old aches n wounds i dont want to wallow in them!!#lately its been well under control i only usually have one actual bad day a week and sometimes its not even a whole day#and the rest im.just busy and i dont know if im just avoiding things and its not satisfying being busy bc im still missing out needs#but i cant fulfil them so might as well stay busy and not think about it!!#and its okay its all okay im just so sad right now :-( but im going to sleep soon and then ill be busy tmr so i dont have to think abt it#i wanna ventpost abt it but also i dont rly want to bc findinf the words to talk abt the things distressing me involves thinking abt it#which will just.make me feel worse. and it wont resolve anything bc its all mostly outside of my control anyway just hurts innit#but im trying hard to make my life bigger than it was before even if its still shallow and not quite enough at least it covers more space#yeah yeah we all want to feel genuine connection and wanted and loved but life doesnt often work out like that so.#hands in your pockets player keep it moving. im goiny to brush my teeth and then rly need to go to bed zzzzz#.diaries#hope everyone else had a nice weekend i had a pretty good saturday at least. and played a lot of videogames today so could be worse#very glad i dont have work tomorrow as well thank u past me for booking it off ahh..
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need to convince myself that i do not need anymore tattoos or piercings before december
i really need to start donating plasma again- it’s a good thing to do but i’m totally doing it for selfish reasons.
not only can i make a bit of extra money by doing nothing, but donating plasma encourages me to actually look after my body- you have to keep your iron and protein counts up and need to be well hydrated before donations. i was at my healthiest when i was donating. it also guaranteed me a few hours a week that were just for me. i could nap, listen to music, study, read, whatever i wanted for those few hours. i feel like it sounds insane that i looked forward to having a machine take my blood and separate it then give it back sans plasma just for a bit of “me time” but i genuinely did. even when i had a vasovagal response to the process i never regretted it. it was quiet time just for me, genuinely relaxing lol
#ramble on exie#it’s kind of sad that my life is at a point where i need to literally sell parts of myself for some peace and quiet#but that’s where we are#i try not to think of it like that because it’s sad lol. i focus on how much good plasma does in healthcare#plus the extra cash is useful. if i feel well enough to donate twice a week then that covers one car payment#i really do miss the ritual of it all. the sign in; the finger test to check your protein; getting set up at the machine;#squeezing the stress ball; watching my blood filter through the machine and the plasma separate out (it’s actually really cool lol)#idk i know i can read and stuff at home but somehow being in the clinic takes the stress away.#when i’m home i feel like i should be cleaning or doing laundry or other endless chores#but the clinic i’m just there to donate and relax. plus they give me juice boxes
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#I’ve been so fucking frustrated these past few weeks between insurance not covering my meds and having to jump through hoops to get my#injections and shit#but god ive been having crazy joint issues the past two weeks#yesterday I literally couldn’t get out of bed#I can’t sleep doing laundry is exhausting#I’m taking the max amount of ibuprofen my doctor prescribed and it’s not doing anything#it just hurts all the time#the weather is finally nice and I can’t do anything but lay in bed with the lights off#I had an event I had been planning for for MONTHS for pride#and at one point I had to stop and lock myself in my friends car for a half hour#just to cry because my hips and knees hurt so badly#I couldn’t even enjoy the after party because I just wanted to get home and lay down#I’m so frustrated not being able to do anything#I just want to get some relief from this shit and my meds can take up to 12 weeks to work#they were prescribed eight weeks ago but insurance denied them#because apparently they always deny immune suppressants the first time around and then approve of them to save money#I wouldn’t be in pain right now If my insurance just approved my meds in May#I can’t fucking adjust to this I was a competitive dancer I’m twenty two I don’t understand any of this#the last time I was at the rheumatologists after getting my injections I held the door for an older woman who also had arthritis#and I was all shaken up over my appointment and she was so nice but was in a lot of pain and when I said#‘I understand I’m sorry’ she just looked at me so genuinely sad and said ‘but you are so young?’ YEAH I am too young for this#I’m just so tired and so angry all the time and I’m sick of everything hurting when I’m trying to sleep#my best friend is traveling at
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@milkeumilkeou so far i have 5/8 and the only one that has a story to it is the foxy tantrum (more on that in the tags...)
#rusted nation#i am missing numbers 2/3/6#will extra hilarity or sadness find me in those stories :):):):):)))) we shall see#when i read the shipwreck note i just imagined#was kuya worse at controlling his form back in the day#like he was too tired by nightfall so he just reverted to his foxy self for honkshoo bedtime#but this sailor saw him and kuya threw a fit like those mythical creatures who pride themselves on their rarity#so kuya's all How Dare plebian eyes grace my vessel u must all perish for this transgression#or. wait. did kuya have fox self esteem issues back then#so was it more like someone walking into a teen's room uninvited#while the teen is trying to cover up their pimples in the mirror#so now they're embarrassed and hormonal and the only option is to lash out?#like GOD mom [drunk sailor] GET OUT OF MY ROOM!!!! *sets ship on fire*#i mean I'm glad that they survived (assuming)#but what was huey thinking... like sure kuya sink the ship doesn't matter to me either way#wait no THIRD hypothesis#kuya hates boats bc he gets seasick. not a water fox i guess#so he whines at huey and huey's like idgaf teleportation is not a thing right now and i want to tinker with these strange artifacts#while eavesdropping on the stories of all these stowaways#so kuya harrumphs and just sulks in the cabin until the sailor finds him and#ok well no that's the same story as the second hypothesis. it's just kuya getting embarrassed#and reacting with 12x more violence than he should to being discovered.#is he really so reactive? so baby? is this my vision of him? oh well
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