#this is less of an essay and more of a rant oops

[mintytrifecta]

Okay literally only one person enabled me so I’m actually going to go talk about Mort in Exiled cause I love him and he’s great

Mort started out the season as a prisoner but unlike most of the animals imprisoned, he kept home and believed that Julien would come back but instead of just waiting around he takes his chance to take out Koto. He puts so many plans to action and tries doing good.

And Koto only sees this as a joke. He sees Mort as a joke. He invites him into the circle as his jester because he doesn't take Mort seriously. Mort is confused at first, sure, but then he takes to the job as needed and does an exceptional job with what he's given.

As soon as Nurse Phantom tells him he can use his newfound position to help Mort goes right at it. Now Mort k n o w s he's seen as idiotic. He k n o w s he's seen as childish and uses this to his advantage and it's cunning.

His plan to escape was great and he managed to stay serious and use everyone's strong points to help with it, even with the hiccup given by Zora.

And may I remind everyone that Mort wrote a FRICKING PLAY IN ONE NIGHT. Like that is hard! And he said so himself he's only written novels before and speaking from personal experiences writing scripts is h a r d. He pulled it off and managed to do it so that everyone can escape while the play was being put on.

Even as it failed he didn't give up and became even more serious and headfast as the season went on guys he carried the braincell the whole season-

But then, Enter Mortacus Khan.

Mort is faced with his true nature. He's faced with his immortality and apparent memory loss. All of a sudden he's not just a genetic anomaly or really old and it's insane to hear. But before he can try to proccess any of that he's supposed to fight this other version of him that LITERALLY HAS AN ARMY AND IS WAY MORE POWERFUL THAN HIM.

He wins, though. If only through wit and knowing himself.

Then he gets whipped into his own mind to find Smart Mort and sees all these other versions of him. These people who are him that he's absorbed but had no idea that he did. He's forced to come to terms with his identity and his apparent eldritch self and he accepts it. He owns his self-image because despite his eccentricities, despite his immortality, despite these worlds and knowledge he somehow detached himself from, he is his own person. He is Mort. Not Smart Mort, not Hippie Mort, not anybody else but himself. It's his head and his body and his life.

He then controls and commands an entire goddamn army of himself and only this manages to turn the tide of the war of the beasts. It's because of Mort that they manage to have at least some kind of a winning chance.

All of this to say, Mort is a good person and a good character. He's weird and offputting but when the chips are down Mort is headfast, strong, smart and will do whatever he can do help and save the people he loves.

It's interesting cause in a way, his arc in Exiled resembles how people treat Mort.

Most people see him as a weird and useless element of the show, until they start to get to know him better and he turns funny but nothing to take seriously. But then he develops. He's got his own life to him and during Exiled he gets serious and starts getting taken seriously by the audience.

Mort is a genuine good person and good character. He's weird but he's smart and cares deeply about his friends and will do whatever he can to help them.

Because despite being eldritch, he has compassion, and that's something nobody can take away from him.

His arc starts with him being a jester to being the leader of himself in every sense of the way and I just think that's poetic and beautiful.

[tatyana-dreaming]

Met opera asks day 6

Thank you again @opera-my-beloved​!! the questions just keep getting better and better! That being said this post is atrociously long :’) FAIR WARNING

Any favorite weird/funny lyrics? Bartolo, Basilio, and Marcellina’s in the Act II Finale of Nozze (musically more than anything)... oh, of course “pa..Pa...PA!” (ad infinitum) in Papageno/Papagena’s duet... Figaro’s “Largo al Factotum”... and I completely agree with @revedebeatrice​ and was actually screaming over that particular “---mètre” line in Hoffman from the eye trio today (idk “thermomètre” in particular just really got me)

Also hmmmm sometimes I laugh at the poetic lines in Trovatore (I was going to say only Manrico, especially during the Act II finale - “ The waves of the rivers have an irresistible force!” okay Manrico -- but then again he has his Troubadour songs too... and then Leonora gets almost - ALMOST poetic in her Act IV aria... and actually di Luna is more poetic than her, I mean, Il Balen??) so anyways I find those funny because. Haha it just is. The overly “poetic” parts just heighten the ridiculousness of the melodrama; so many other more serious operas have such less dramatic librettos and I find it funny.

What are some opera songs that make you lose your mind? Finale of Onegin (I wrote an essay about it remember hehe?) but also Olga and Tatyana’s Duet and Skazhi Kotoraya Tatyana (my beloved) and Uvi, Somnenya Net/Puskai Pogibnu Ya, and, and :) Act II finale of Nozze Act I and II Preludes of Un Ballo in Maschera (and the Act III Quintet) Un Dì Felice/Ebben..? from La Traviata Violin Aria from Les Contes d’Hoffman

So many, I have to stop there though.

Are there any Met interview moments that live rent-free in your mind? Definitely Roberto Alagna in Don Carlo (never forget that somersault!!!) and Renée interviewing the cast of the 2011 Trovatore (Sondra Radvanovsky and Marcelo Álvarez being so CUTE) also when Dmitri Hvorostovsky a) called Sondra Radvanovsky “rock and roll” in the Ballo interview, because she is, and b) when when he held ground for Onegin when Beverly Sills interviewed him with Renée Fleming by saying "I would really disagree with you, because if [Onegin] was…cold and [aloof], Tatyana would never fall in love with me. Obviously I have quite a great bunch of qualities…”

What’s an opera production that you positively rant about for an hour and a production that you could angry rant about for an hour? Positive: 2007 Carsen Onegin (I have matured though, and seen many different Onegins now, so I understand why others don’t like the set or production. Completely valid. But with That Cast, they could just sing the music in a blackbox theatre and I would say it’s the greatest production ever so. Also, those leaves ARE magic)

Negative: I really don’t have an answer for this one! Only anger/confusion for why certain productions WEREN’T filmed live in HD

Are there any weirdly specific moments from a stream/production that you love? I second @sweatershowgirl​, that heel kick in Faust (2011) is glorious (so is all the drinking form beakers, haha #toxic). So many in the 1998 Nozze - Basilio’s hair pats, the pheasant triology, Marcellina’s affectionate cheek kisses, Bryn’s growls. Basically all of Kate Lindsey’s Nerone and Nicklausse.... and YES Pretty Yende and Matthew Polenzani in the 2018 Elisir... (make that Polenzani’s absolute Attitude towards Papa Germont in the 2012 Traviata)

Which opera production was the most visually pleasing to you? Too difficult! I was of course very pleased with Leaf Onegin (aka My Many Colored Onegin) because of all the colors, and as I’ve said I loved the 2012 Rusalka....Oh, of course! the 2018 Cendrillon and Traviata....absolutely lovely. WAIT WAIT also Comte Ory (all that pink and purple and of course the “nuns!” ahhh!!)

Is there any singer who changed your opinion on an opera character? I couldn’t take Leonora seriously until Sondra Radvanovsky. Mainly because her Leonora doesn’t necessarily take anything too seriously and when she does she does it with power (oops, I wrote a 20k word essay about it) (yeah I’m just tagging everything on here tonight huh)

Are there any productions you wish had been filmed but are only available in audio form (or not available at all)? Apparently Thomas Hampson was Onegin in 2009? (LEAF ONEGIN!!) And I’d love to see a full Renée Fleming/Ramón Vargas Traviata... and honestly, so many.... I’ll stick with those two since this post is already way too long :)

[chillafqueen]

This started off as a rant piece but then turned into an essay about my feelings about the show so definite Sex Education Season 3 spoilers under the cut

Literally do not try to argue with me I do not care

Tagging this only as sex education spoilers and sex education season 3 spoilers so hopefully it only shows up in those tags for people filtering it because I don't really care to make this a discussion I just needed to get this out my head

We seem to be in this golden age of media where we no longer care about character development or story development.

only ships and ships only, if your ship breaks up or it doesn't happen it's queer baiting or it's straight baiting or it's misogynistic or it's shitty writing

And I'm aiming this mostly at the Sex Education fandom just because I've seen /some/ people claiming it as such.

Ruby and Otis were cute together trust me I loved it. But it's not bad writing for them to break up it's not objectifying as a ship point to further along Otis and Mauve

Or the same goes from Adam and Eric

It's a show about high school. Even if it's a show, realistically these people won't stay together forever

It's take realistic routes for these characters

And we need to think critically about it

Ruby and Otis might just be a stepping stone towards endgame Otis x Mauve but it's not wasting Ruby or bad writing

It's sad to see, I really loved Ruby's development and her dynamic with Otis was adorable and I loved watching them grow

Ruby grew from this relationship. Did you really think the first person she trusted and loved was gonna be the person she married? No that's unrealistic and truly bad writing

These relationship, their highs and their lows and their break ups are there for each character's development

Sure Ruby got her heart broken but she also learned and hopefully she grows from it

She started off a rude, selfish bitch obsessed with status, image and popularity

Then she opens up and allows herself to be vulnerable

She shows Otis her house her family and that her real life isn't as glamorous as she puts on it's scary and she thinks that he will judge her and leave but he doesn't

He treats her with the same amount of respect that he had before he knew these personal parts of her

And sure now that she got hurt she could regress, she might think that she was right all along that once she shows her inner self to someone they'll hurt her just like Otis did or she grows from it and realizes that what she thinks the unattractive parts of herself aren't as bad as she thought and she'll learn and grow to be nicer and less judgemental and less distrustful and she'll meet more people and learn that looks and popularity aren't everything and one day she will find someone who loves her just as much as she loves them

Otis didn't love her, he had strong feelings for her but he wasn't on the same page as Ruby and even though he said those feelings could develop with time and that there's no guarantee that his feelings won't grow into love, Ruby had every right to set boundaries and end the relationship. She has every right to expect her partner be on the same page as her. And also she's a teenager she can end a relationship with her high school boyfriend because he doesn't love her back. If she wants to wait and continue the relationship hoping Otis would eventually reciprocate her love, then she could. But she was hurt and felt dejected and she decided to cut her losses rather waste her time if Otis couldn't love her back. She had every right to do so. It's not bad writing. She's not the type to hopelessly pine after someone who doesn't love her back. She is a bad bitch who moves on and does better.

And while Otis doesn't really gain much from the relationship except that he hurt Ruby he still continues to develop as a character

And there's a message there that it's hard to love someone when you never got closure from your past love

His relationship with Ola failed because of his unresolved feelings with Maeve and then his next relationship with Ruby also fails because he can't love her because of his unresolved feelings and lack of closure with Maeve and he also learns that

But also it's okay to not feel the same way about someone. And Jakob was right when he assured Otis that it was right to be honest with Ruby. Even if he hurt her, it was best to be honest and hurt her than lie to her and lead her on with a lie. It wouldn't be good for Otis and it wouldn't be good for Ruby if Otis just lied saying he loved her back.

And even if Ruby was just a plot device for potentially endgame Otis and Maeve then big deal.

It's kinda obvious that Maeve and Otis are the main goal and target relationship of the show.

And it's a common trope with them in the show that they are never in the same place at the right time.

Otis has feelings for Maeve but she's with Jackson. He tries to move on and dates Ola. And when he's no longer available it's when Maeve realizes her feelings for Otis and it's shown that Otis still very obviously has feelings for her even while in a relationship with Ola and it effects the relationship until it falls apart when Ola finds out that not only does Otis has feelings for Maeve but he holds Maeve in higher regards than her.

So the relationship ends

So does that mean Maeve and Otis will be together now that Ola and Otis are.over? No because neither of them are on the same page.

And so they miss the opportunity. Then they fight and their friendship is over

Then Isaac deletes the voicemail of Otis confessing and apologizing to Maeve and asking for them to try again

So Maeve misses that opportunity because she doesn't even know. And Otis doesn't know that she never heard the voicemail and thinks she's rejecting him so he tries to get over her.

And when he moves on, Maeve takes that as him saying their friendship and whatever she thought could happen was over. He was with Ruby, so obviously he didn't have feelings for Maeve

And then Ruby and Otis break up and Maeve and Otis talk and finally are on the same page and kiss

But oops, Maeve has feelings for Isaac and things seem to be going well so she's not going to ruin that for a chance with Otis

Then Isaac finds out that Maeve and Otis kissed and ends things.

So now Maeve and Otis can be together right? Otis is single and so is Maeve and feelings are out there. Well things look good until Maeve can't miss the chance to take that exchange program to study in America.

But they're technically together??? Maybe they can be long distance? Maybe they will wait for each other?

Their entire theme is not ever being at the same place at the same time. Something always comes up. One of them is always in a relationship when the other isn't. Or something comes up where they aren't available or now, Maeve is going to another country for a few months, just as things were going to happen.

Why does it have to be that way? Why can't your favorite ship be endgame just because you like it? Because it's not your show. You didn't produce it or write it. You are not entitled to have the show cater to your every want. These writers have a specific vision in mind and they may or may not already have a set ending in place. The moment they presented their idea to a network they might've already had their endgame ship set in stone.

It's not bad writing if your ship isn't endgame. It isn't objectification if a character was written in a way just to further the plot in a certain way. That's how stories work.

That being said, Eric and Adam was the same way.

They both grew because of their relationship and they learned.

Was it shitty of Eric to cheat on Adam and not tell him right away? Sure, yes.

But he learned that even if he loved Adam and was content in their relationship, it was caging him. He is a different person from Adam. He had his own dreams, likes, boundaries and such. And as does Adam. But those differences can hold each other back and hurt each other.

Eric is comfortable with his sexuality. He is gay and proud and he happens to have a lot of stereotypical gay hobbies and interests. He likes camp, he likes drag, he likes makeup and he is comfortable with his sexuality and doesn't care what others think and so he wants to be all these things out there in the world.

Adam doesn't. Adam is in his first gay relationship after slowly coming to terms with his sexuality. He's not out there like Eric. His mom doesn't know about them and he's scared of telling her, and he especially doesn't want his dad to know.

He was raised the same way his father was, which we find out this season. He gets taught toxic masculinity. He is taught any weakness is feminine and weak and bad. Being vulnerable is bad, expressing soft emotion is bad. And that cultivates into anger and violence.

He is emotionally stunted because of it. And he is slowly unlearning it.

He slowly comes to terms with his sexuality, and he slowly learns to be emotional and vulnerable. And Eric helps a lot with it. Eric is patient and encouraging.

But Adam is still a different person than Eric. He is shy, he is slowly becoming more out every day, he's learning to express himself through meaningful ways, but it's in ways different than how Eric does.

He likes makeup and dancing but maybe he's not ready to go out in the world doing that. Or he is just a private person and no matter how comfortable he gets with himself he may never want to go out to a gay club and dance and wear makeup

But Eric does.

Eric wants to go out he wants to be gay and free and open. That's his personality and he's had a longer time accepting himself and learning not to be afraid of public perception because he knows there's people out there like him. But Adam isn't.

And Eric has every right to break up with Adam because he is young and he doesn't have to stay grounded. He has yet to experience everything he wants and has yet to really know himself. But being with Adam halts that because Adam isn't like him.

Eric is learning to experience life and fly free and he's not afraid of going out there and living life to the fullest. In a way Adam doesn't.

And that's okay. That's real life.

People grow at different rates and in different directions. Let them grow even if it's away from you.

And by the end Adam is hurt but he is a different person because of Eric and for the better.

He is learning to be himself. He is learning how to express himself, to reach out for help, to be open with others. And that's a lot of progress.

He is hurt, his first love, his first gay love broke his heart. But he is stronger than before.

And Eric is free to continue spreading his wings not afraid of being held down by someone not in the same place as him.

And that's what the show is really about.

It's about these teenagers growing and learning and becoming better people. They will change and they will develop into new forms of themselves with each new relationship and challenge.

Love isn't the ultimate goal. It's being yourself and doing what is best for yourself.

Ruby and Otis were really cute together. I really did root for them and I really loved watching Ruby slowly change for the better. And I hope she continues to.

And I really loved Adam and Eric together but Eric cheated and he realized while it was wrong it made him realize that his relationship with Adam is stunting his growth.

You meet people and they may hurt you or you may hurt them but that's how life goes. And hopefully you impacted each relationship in a meaningful way even if it's not the way you intended. That you learn a lesson or you are the lesson.

It's truly brilliant writing. It's realistic, it's diverse, it's open and fresh, but witty and sometimes cheap but Jesus Christ it's not about you and your ship. You are here to watch the story unfold. And maybe get inspired or just be entertained.

When the story takes a turn you don't like it's not always bad writing.

It's only bad writing when it makes no sense, cut corners, is inherently offensive with no meaning to it, or completely does a 180 on all the character progress or other examples.

Hopefully the story ends with meaning. Maybe Otis and Maeve are endgame. Maybe they breakup and meet later in life. Or maybe Otis reconnects with Ruby. Or he meets someone new entirely.

Or maybe he ends the show single and just as involved in his career as his father was or whatnot.

And maybe Maeve also gets so involved with just making it in life that she has no room for a relationship. Or she meets someone new or reconnects with Isaac.

I love that even though the story points to Otis and Maeve endgame it's not the only story or romance explored.

We see Aimee is still struggling with her assault but she's willing to get help and that she learns to stand up for herself and do what makes her happy even if it may upset others, like breaking up with Steve even though he has been nothing be supportive.

I really enjoyed Cal and their introduction. And I enjoyed seeing Jackson be more and more open to trying and learning new things. He is just wanting to find himself and feel fulfilled. And I loved seeing Cal set boundaries with their identity and Jackson.

If Jackson can't accept that Cal isn't a girl and so that means if they were together it would indeed be a queer relationship and that would make Jackson not straight. And Jackson trying to bargain and negotiate while Cal stood firm was insightful.

Because I too, like Jackson, even if subconscious, still perceived Cal as a girl in some way even if I completely understand their identity and will help accommodate it in anyway. And it's just about unlearning the norms I was raised with. Even if I accept and understand, there is always room for more learning. But another thing with Cal, it's not their responsibility to fight.

If they don't want to lead the fight for gender rights and equality then they don't have to.

If you can't accept or won't listen, it's not their responsibility to make you change your ways but they will not respect you and they will not come quietly.

It is not every non-binary, trans, gay, bi, pan, ace, lesbian or anyone who isn't like you, person's responsibility to teach you or answer your questions or change your perception

And that was quite refreshing to see and I really admired seeing that in this show

And also showing that each non-binary person is different. Layla isn't willing to even challenge the system. Because they are scared and from what we see in the last episode, they aren't out to their family. They aren't ready and aren't comfortable trying to fight and that is their right.

And then seeing Cal teach Layla how to bind properly is a good lesson to anyone watching the show that might be binding incorrectly.

And then I also really enjoyed seeing Vivienne and her long distance boyfriend Eugene.

I was happy to see that her jealousy of Cal wasn't because she saw Cal as a romantic rival but friendship rival. Jackson and Vivienne were drifting apart due to their opposing views on Hope and that Viv took Jackson's place as Head girl.

And also seeing Vivienne's boyfriend be some hot, refined man was satisfying to see.

I also loved seeing Maeve learn to accept help and kindness. I was so scared that he and Aimee would never make up but they did and it was the most beautiful thing to see because they are the best friend goals to ever bless the tv world.

And I loved that Isaac wasn't depicted as just some poor helpless paraplegic but he had character and he had talent and he was never seen less than. He was a witty asshole!

And he even got the girl for a while! And he has standards!

I mean sure I don't feel that bad about his feelings getting hurt by Maeve because he took it upon himself to make a decision for Maeve and manipulating the situation for his own selfish crush on Maeve. I mean you didn't let her make the choice. You deleted the voicemail and so she thought Otis still hated her and refused to apologize. Sure she ended up getting feelings for you but because you intervened and lied she never got the chance to truly get closure with Otis because you knew that if she heard the message she'd go to him

Sure you didn't deserve her kissing Otis when you two obviously had something going on but... What did you expect?

And my last thoughts are Jakob and Jean. I liked them together in the beginning but it became apparent that they are two very different people. They just don't fit.

At first I couldn't understand Jakob's distrust of Jean, I mean she messed up once while drunk with her ex husband. It was wrong but I thought it was a tiny little forgiveable thing (and maybe I think that because I'm biased by my love of Jean). But once we get that soft moment of Jakob opening up to the therapist and we find out that his last relationship, with his wife, also had trust betrayed. Her having an affair and then getting sick afterwards so therefore Jakob felt he couldn't leave her when she was so ill.

And I thought Jean and Jakob trying to force a family relationship was not the best route. They had made it clear before that they are just two different people. You can coparent without being in a relationship.

But even through it all they still cared deeply for each other. So yeah.

But my only true criticm of the show is the paternity test results. Now sure we don't know what they say BUT Jean's reaction screams that Jakob isn't the father. Which just disappoints me. Jean has been through so much.

And who else would be the father? We weren't shown any other potential baby daddies.

Also she's been through so much just give her one thing.

Like I like to hope that next season she tells Jakob and even though he's not the dad, he's been there and he was making that baby a goddamn tree house that he steps up and raises that baby like it is his because that baby deserves a father.

But I can only see that Jean will probably hide the truth and they start out quite happy until the results are discovered and Jakob finds out and he is rightfully upset and angry and betrayed and he leaves her and the baby. Or real baby daddy comes to try to be there and makes more drama.

Idk

And just because it's how the show goes Maeve and Otis are gonna have something come up and it gets in the way of them being together.

I hope Michael and Adam make some peace as part of both of their developments. Of course I do see Michael having issue with Adam's lack of traditional success and his sexuality but I hope they work it out or at least try next season.

And I hope that Rahim and Adam don't become a thing. They are similar in their introversion and lack of flamboyancy with their sexuality but I hope they bond and become friends but I don't think it's be in good taste for them to date. It's like recycling your gays.

I'm not really sure what's in store for the school. I think maybe someone swoops in last second or they all go to different schools and have to move away and they all lose touch and it's a big component of next year.

And I'm not sure about Eric and what path he takes. Maybe he starts going out to gay spaces and meets someone or just messes around to have fun. But to be honest I'm not sure.

Anyways yeah.

[whumphoarder]

¿Cómo se dice ‘I’m in Deep Sh*t’?

Summary: Due to unforeseen circumstances (and a bit of procrastination), Peter runs out of time to prepare for his Spanish presentation and ends up faking sick to buy himself some more.

He just wasn’t really counting on Tony being the one to pick him up from school.

Word count: 2,997

Genre: humor, fluff, whump

Link to read on Ao3

A/N: Based on a prompt from @coconutknightshade! 

Apparently it takes a village to write a story lol—thanks to @xxx-cat-xxx, @sallyidss, @fandomsficsandfeels, & @seek-rest for beta-reading and ideas, and @lunannex for Spanish help!

“What if I just like… fake my death?” Peter suggests as he hands his mentor a different sized wrench. “They can’t mark me down for not doing it if I’m dead, right?”

Tony, who is currently bent over their latest project (replacing the timing belt in May’s car), snorts. “As someone who’s been officially presumed dead more than once, can’t say I recommend it. Way too much paperwork.”

Peter sighs. “Can we stage a kidnapping then?” he says hopefully. “Or an alien abduction?”

Tony rolls his eyes. “It’s a four-minute speech, not the end of the world—though I have some experience with that too.” He holds out a hand. “Half inch ratchet.”

“A four-minute speech in Spanish,” Peter emphasizes, passing him the requested tool. “Which is a language I don’t speak.”

“Hence why you’re in Spanish class,” Tony counters. “With all the other kids who can’t speak Spanish.”

“But it’s also like ten percent of my grade,” Peter goes on as his mentor loosens the timing belt and removes it from the engine before handing it to Peter to set aside. “And I have to talk about what I do in a typical week, and it’s not like I can say I go patrolling or come over to the compound, so I’m gonna have to make stuff up—”

Tony interrupts, “Yo veo mucha televisión,” he says sagely.

“—and then what if I get up there and forget everything and just sound stupid?” Peter continues his rant. He groans and passes Tony the replacement belt. “Maybe I should just conveniently get the flu on Wednesday.”

Looking up from the engine, Tony raises an eyebrow at him. “Are you really this stressed about it? Because if you need to focus on school, I could just finish this up myself.”

Peter sighs again and runs a hand through his hair—he hadn’t meant to complain this much, he’d just kind of gotten on a roll after Tony asked him how school was going. “No, no… I wanted to come over—really. And I’ve got three more days to work on it, it’s just like… ugh. I should have taken German instead.”

Tony huffs out a short laugh. “Pretty sure they have to speak in German class too.”

“Yeah but MJ’s not in German…” Peter mutters under his breath.

“What was that?” Tony asks, elbow deep in the engine block.

Peter expels a breath. “Nothing, it’s fine,” he says a bit more audibly, trying to convince himself as much as his mentor. So what if the most observant and shrewd person in his year also happens to be in his Spanish class?

(And so what if he might have a bit of a crush on her?)

Tony chuckles. “You’ll do great, kid,” he assures. “Just make sure you practice.”

Peter forces a smile. “Right, yeah, of course.”

X

Practicing, however, turns out to be easier said than done.

With finals fast approaching, it’s crunch time for all of Peter’s classes. Whatever spare moments he has over the weekend are spent finishing up his Animal Farm essay for the English summative and cramming for his geometry test Monday morning. The upcoming Spanish presentation hangs over his head, but it’s more annoying than anything else. He figures it should be fairly simple to actually bullshit something and translate it if he just sits down and does it (which, ironically, somehow makes it easier to push off).

He’s intending to work on it Monday evening, but a winter storm hits that afternoon, dumping eight inches of snow and ice on the city. Peter spends most of his patrol assisting with minor traffic accidents and helping stranded motorists scrape ice from their vehicles or shovel cars out of parking spaces. By the time he gets home late that night, he’s too exhausted to do much more than sit on the couch with May and drink cocoa while she watches Grey’s Anatomy reruns.

Oh well. He’s still got time.

Peter tries to make good use of his study hall on Tuesday, but the period ends up being kind of a wash. He spends half the time attempting to come up with something to say that is both interesting enough to make him seem not totally lame while still believable enough to fool MJ, and the other half messing around on his phone and trying to recall the name of the annoying song stuck in his head.

(It was ‘Goodbye’ by The Spice Girls.)

He’s intending to finish the presentation Tuesday evening after he gets home, but then Ned throws an unexpected monkey wrench into his plans just before the final bell rings.

“So I gotta be there early for warm ups, but my mom will pick you up around six, okay?” he tells Peter as they pack up their book bags.

Peter frowns, confused. “...Pick me up?”

Ned tilts his head. “Unless May can give you a ride after all? But I thought you said she was working tonight, right?”

All of a sudden it clicks—tonight is Ned’s first band concert. He’d taken up percussion a few months back in an effort to beef up his extracurriculars for his college applications. Peter agreed to go to the performance weeks ago.

“Oh right right right,” Peter quickly covers. “Six is great. I’ll see her then!”

Ned beams. “Awesome! My sister and her boyfriend are coming too, so we might go out to celebrate afterwards!”

“Yeah, awesome!” Peter agrees, forcing a grin. “That should be really fun.”

(Oh yeah, he’s screwed.)

X

The concert was cool. Ned hit that triangle with all the required enthusiasm whenever his parts came up, and Peter flashed him loads of encouraging thumbs-ups from the audience. When it was over, they all went out to Denny’s for some mediocre late-night pancakes and the usual Leeds family banter. All in all, a pretty fun night.

When Peter gets home a little after ten, he opens his Spanish doc in one tab and promptly falls into a YouTube hole in another while looking for background music. He’s still grinning when he closes out of his fifth vine compilation video in a row until he checks the time a second later and the grin dissolves. It’s 12:03 a.m.

Oops.

Study hall Wednesday morning will be his saving grace, he’s sure.

X

So, of course, a fight has to break out right outside of the library.

It’s not too bad—the two instigating students are hauled away by security with a couple bloody noses and black eyes, and a few other kids are taken down to the office for questioning. Peter was far enough removed from the action that he doesn’t have to come along, but the whole debacle eats up all but the last ten minutes of the period so when the bell finally rings, he’s got precisely five words written down:

Hola, me llamo Peter Parker.

(Suddenly all those jokes about faking his own death are starting to sound a lot more appealing.)

Or if not my death, he thinks as he trudges down the hall in the direction of his Spanish classroom, cold dread pooling in his gut, then at least…

He stops walking, glancing sideways into the brightly lit office just off the hall. The elderly nurse is sitting at her desk, glasses half-way down her nose as she reads a paperback novel with the picture of a Christmasy log cabin on the cover.

No. He can’t. He doesn’t lie.

...Unless…

No. May’s at work. She’d have to leave early to come and pick him up.

Okay, but it’s not like you do this often, his brain counters. Hell, you came to school with a concussion and two cracked ribs last month and didn’t say a word about it. May can take one for the team just this once.

Peter slips into the bathroom across the hall and waits there until the bell rings to signal the end of passing period, and then an additional five minutes on top of that to add some credibility to his act. He splashes a bit of cold water on his forehead and around his neck, and then works himself up with some heavy breathing before exiting the bathroom.

Folding his arms over his stomach, Peter moves shakily across the hall back toward the nurse’s office, making an effort to look as unwell as possible. A passing student eyes him suspiciously and gives him a wide berth, so he figures he must be doing something right.

Steeling himself with a shuddery breath, he steps into the office.

“Hall pass?” the nurse asks without looking up from her book.

“Um, no, I don’t have one, uh…” Peter’s heart is fluttering in his chest. “I just… I’m not feeling good.”

Eyes still on the page, the nurse silently taps a finger to a sign on the wall just behind her desk which reads: PASSES REQUIRED FOR ALL STUDENTS.

Peter swallows hard. C’mon, Parker—commit. “Right, but, uh, I came from the bathroom.” He hugs himself a little tighter and looks down. “My stomach really hurts. I was throwing up and, uh… stuff,” he concludes, deciding that in this case, less is more.

The nurse’s expression softens. She lowers her novel and gets to her feet with a small sigh. “Well, there is a bug going around,” she concedes, gesturing for him to sit down on the cot in the back of her office.

Peter keeps his responses vague when she requests more specific information on his symptoms, mostly offering shrugs or short, mumbled answers. She checks his temperature and seems slightly suspicious at his lack of fever, but he makes up for it by getting up suddenly and darting into the nurse’s bathroom.

When he emerges—exactly seven minutes and two new levels of Candy Crush later—Peter makes sure to keep his eyes averted from the nurse’s gaze and his movements slow and a little unsteady, one hand hovering over his stomach. She gives him a bottle of Gatorade and a couple of crackers and tells him to lie down until May comes to pick him up.

“I got ahold of her,” the nurse informs, sounding more sympathetic now. She slides a small garbage bin beside the cot. “She says she’s just finishing something up at work and then she’ll be right over.”

“Thank you,” Peter mutters tiredly. He doesn’t even have to act for that part—between the stress of his upcoming finals and his last couple of late nights, he really is exhausted and he has a bit of a headache. It makes him feel just the slightest bit better about pulling May away from her shift that there’s at least something physically wrong with him, even if it isn’t what he’s claiming.

Under the thin fleece blanket the nurse gives him, Peter manages to drift off to sleep.

X

But it turns out, today is just really not his day.

“No fever yet, but sometimes with these kinds of bugs that doesn’t come until later,” Peter overhears the nurse explaining in a low voice. He’s lying curled up on the cot, face toward the wall. “If that happens, just remember that he needs to be fever-free for 24 hours before returning to school.”

“Oh, I have a feeling that won’t be a problem,” a familiar voice that definitely does not belong to Aunt May replies.

“Mr. Stark?” Peter’s eyes snap open fully and he sits up in a hurry.

Tony and the nurse are standing together beside her desk, chatting quietly. Tony turns to look at Peter, face straight but eyebrows raised in amusement. “Oh would you look at that—he lives,” he remarks. “Feeling any better, Pete?”

Immediately, Peter wraps an arm around his stomach and does his best to look ill. “Uh, no, not really... but, um wh-what are you doing here?”

“The hospital is a little short-staffed today and your aunt was having trouble finding someone to cover her shift,” Tony explains, keeping his expression perfectly neutral. “She called to ask if I minded picking you up. You know”—his eyes narrow—“since you’re so sick.”

(Peter gulps. He’s starting to wonder if maybe he’ll be sick after all.)

“So of course, I told her I would,” Tony goes on. “I mean, if you’re feeling this bad, we could hardly just leave you here...”

Peter has to force himself to meet Tony’s gaze. “Right. Um, thank you. That’s super nice of you.”

“Well, you know me, Tony Super-Nice Stark,” his mentor says with a small chuckle as he steps closer to the bed.

“Now, with stomach bugs, the biggest concern is going to be dehydration,” the nurse continues. “So you’re going to want to push fluids, especially if he’s having di—”

“Fluids, got it,” Peter cuts her off, feeling his cheeks heat up. He gets to his feet and starts moving toward the door, but Tony halts him by grabbing his arm.

“Hey, hey, slow down, kid,” Tony tuts at him. “You were just looking like you might pass out a minute ago.” He presses his palm to Peter’s forehead and glances over to the nurse, eyebrows pinched together in the semblance of concern. “He’s kinda flushed, right? Maybe we should check his temperature again.”

“It’s fine,” Peter mutters, barely managing to suppress an eye-roll. “I think I just need to go home and sleep.”

“Sleep is probably the best thing for him,” the nurse agrees, nodding. “But going back to dehydration, if at any point it’s been more than five hours since he’s last urinated—”

“Mr. Stark, c’mon…” Peter whines quietly, nudging the man toward the door.

Tony holds up a finger to shush him—there’s a twinkle in his eyes that’s honestly driving Peter mad. “Hang on, kiddo. This is all very important information. In fact”—he pulls out his phone and opens the notes app—“let me just write this down. So you said if he hasn’t peed in five hours…?”

The nurse goes on to happily share her wealth of knowledge regarding stomach viruses with his mentor. Tony nods along to her advice, looking genuinely interested the entire time, occasionally interrupting to ask pertinent questions. Meanwhile, Peter just stands there, quietly dying a little inside.

Finally, she concludes her little spiel and Tony thanks her politely, then asks, “You wouldn’t happen to have a bin or bag or something we could take with us, would you? I just got the car detailed recently—hate for that to go to waste.”

Peter lets out another low groan. “Mr. Stark…”

“Ah, I have just the thing!” the nurse says. She bustles over behind her desk and produces a plastic sand pail with assorted Paw Patrol characters on it. “I get these from the dollar store,” she informs. “They don’t look like they hold too much but you’d be surprised!”

Tony grins. “That’s perfect. Thank you so much, Alice.” Looking to Peter, he asks, “Need the bathroom before we leave?”

Rolling his eyes at his mentor, Peter takes the bucket from the nurse with a muttered “thanks” and strides directly out the door.

X

Tony doesn’t say anything for the entire walk to the car, but Peter’s mind is happy to fill the silence with dread and anxious thoughts as he imagines all the various ways his mentor might chew him out about this. Stupid Spanish presentation—he should have just winged it after all.

The moment that both he and Tony are seated in the vehicle and the car doors are shut behind them, Peter sets the bucket down on the floor and covers his face with a groan.

“Alright, let’s get it over with,” he mutters into his hands. “Lay it on me.”

“Just to clarify,” Tony begins, sounding a bit more serious. “You’re not actually sick, right? This was just to get out of your presentation?”

“Yeah, I dunno...” Peter admits, feeling defeated. “I was planning to work on it—I swear. Just, well, there was all this stuff due for my other classes, and then the snowstorm, and all these commitments just kept coming up, and I just kinda... ran out of time. Figured if I got sent home I could buy myself an extra day or two.” He sighs deeply, lowering his hands to look up at his mentor. “Are you gonna tell May?”

Tony huffs out a short laugh. “Honestly? I think you’ve suffered enough.”

Peter blinks at him, surprised. “Wait, seriously?”

“You listened to a school nurse describe the BRAT diet for three whole minutes,” Tony says with a snort. “I don’t think any lecture May or I could give would top that.”

“God,” Peter groans, running a hand over his face. “If I hear the word ‘binding’ used one more time…”

“But,” Tony says, holding up a stern finger as he starts the car. “As soon as we get back to your place, we’re finishing up that presentation in time for your miraculous recovery tomorrow, got it?”

“We?” Peter raises an eyebrow at him. “Do you even speak Spanish?”

Tony waves a hand dismissively. “I know French and Italian—close enough. More importantly, I am fluent in the language of bullshit, kid. I once convinced an entire board of investors that not adding a clock feature to the new Starkphone prototype was a philosophical statement about the ‘futility of time as a construct’ rather than an embarrassing oversight caused by deadline crunches, no sleep, and more caffeine flowing through my veins than red blood cells.”

“And how did that go?” Peter asks.

“Sold twelve thousand shares that day. And I got to meet the Dalai Lama.”

Peter just snorts.

“Oh, and there was this other time,” Tony goes on wryly, “when I helped my intern play hooky to get out of a school presentation by convincing the nurse he had the shits.”

Peter leans back against the seat with a heavy sigh. “I’m never doing this again, Mr. Stark,” he mumbles.

X

Link to all my fics

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[jincherie]

fox rain | four

• ☽ — pairing: bts x reader • ☽ — genre: crack, fluff, angst, college/uni au • ☽ — words: 13.9k+ • ☽ — rating: sfw • ☽ — warnings: stop one on the angst train express!!! conflict, crying, hurt feelings and perhaps a little bit of a complex... also someone gets slapped (rightfully). what a chapter! • ☽ — notes: two months late LETS GET IT FOOOXXX RRAAAIIINNN !!! this shit HURTED. for maximum owies, I advise reading a particular intermission before this one uwu

— posted; 08.09.2019

When the love letter you wrote and submitted as an assignment is leaked to the entirety of your university, it becomes a race against time to dispel rumours and convince the seven suspected muses of the poem that they aren’t the subject before anyone realises that you are the author. Easy, right? Well… maybe not as easy as you think.

— • masterpost | prev. | four | next • —

Never in your life, have you ever truly entertained the thought of killing someone before now. 

As though your stormy mood is a thick fog permeating the air and rendering it unbreathable, the students moving past you in the hall hasten to give you a wide berth. You’d appreciate it, if you weren’t so caught up in your half-baked murder plans that you didn’t even notice.

You’re a nice enough person, right? You’ve never gone out of your way to be mean, or bullied anyone—hell, sometimes you feel so bad about the current state of the earth that you walk around the park looking for litter to pick up. Being the stellar example to humanity that you are, you’ve managed to steer clear of—for the most part, also not counting these very stressful past few weeks—drama. In high school you managed to dodge the drama entailed by school dances, juvenile love triangles, and pretty much anything pubescent you can think of. You did your own thing, and generally most people took enough pity on your poor excuse of an existence that they became oddly endeared and protective of you, like they were adopting a small alien ball of slime that fell from the heavens and wheezed painfully with each breath. You’ve never had to face the cold, agonizing frostbite of betrayal, and you didn’t really ever expect to.

But now for the first time ever you have, and god does it suck. You woke up this morning like you had a hangover, head throbbing as though an iron ball was rolling from one side of your skull to the other in uneven laps, and your eyes were somehow a combination of dry and tight, swollen and moist— admittedly, you still kind of feel like that to a degree. You woke up sad, and angry and hurt, but thankfully Karma isn’t one to leave you stewing in any one emotion too long. What a benevolent queen you find yourself ruled by.

As soon as you settled down this morning with your flavoured coffee (the last sachet from your “depression days” emergency stash on the top shelf of the cupboard—you feel as though with all you’ve been through, you deserve it) and opened your phone like a fool to pass the time while your waffle (another comfort food from your stash) cooked in the kitchen, you were met with a very sudden and very stark change in emotional stasis. No longer were you a moody, depressed and sad sack of mouldy mashed potato—now you were a fucking livid sack of mouldy, mashed potato, who nearly snapped her fork in half from the sheer strength of her tight grip.

After all you’d learnt of Sera the afternoon previous, you shouldn’t have been as surprised to wake up to what you did. And yet, the second you laid eyes on that damn post it had taken you so off guard you’d nearly flown into a blind rage on the spot.

The gall, the absolute audacity of her to plead and proclaim that she was going to “fix this”, only to turn around and plunge another knife into your back by publicly announcing on the university forum she used to start all this that she is the author. This entire ordeal was already such a convoluted mess that even before this, she never could have truly fixed it—but she could have lessened it, made it more bearable. Yet she didn’t. And with her blatant choice to not only do the opposite but essentially plagiarise your damn poem and steal your unwanted, unintentional fame—you’ve never been so fucking furious in your life. 

You’ve never considered murder before now either but you have to admit, the further onto campus you get and the more whispering and gossiping you catch about the “development” in the mystery moon poem drama, the more appealing it seems. 

 All day, you have put up with this shit. All day, as you sit through class and then move from one session to another, you have heard people gasp and chatter and rant and rave about how Sera is the supposed author to the poem. You’ve heard them wax poetic about her and her “skills” that she doesn’t deserve and aren’t really for her, flattering comments about her ‘humble’, ‘sweet’, ‘sensitive soul’ character that you now know couldn’t be further from the truth. The combination of her betrayal and the injustice of the situation as you now find yourself in it are almost enough to break you into a soggy, emotional mess, but it seems the pure, unadulterated rage will be enough to feed your fire and keep you going for now. 

You’ve been in such a state all day that you can hardly remember what it was like before you were angry. Depression? What depression? You’ve never heard of her. This must be what it feels like to be an Aries, you think. You almost feel invincible, and would if it weren’t for the looming cloud above you that rained angry droplets on your parade. 

By the time you drag yourself through the day and your first tutoring session arrives, you feel a strange combination of emotionally exhausted and absolutely fucking wired. You’re still seething, of course, but it’s less of an in-your-face anger and more of a crazed undertone at this point. You attempt a smile when you enter the library and see Hoseok, but you mustn’t be very close to achieving it because a brief expression of fear flits across his features and he straightens in his seat. Oops, you forgot Hoseok is a scaredy cat. It seems you’ve accidentally activated his deeply ingrained and well-exercised fight or flight response. 

“H-hey, y/n…. are you okay?” His concern for your wellbeing has seemed to override his initial fear response, and you feel a little touched amongst the angry bubbling of your insides. You try again to flash a smile, and this one appears to be a closer approximation than the last as some of the tension leaves Hoseok’s form. 

“It’s a lovely day,” you say, fighting a twitch that’s trying to make itself known in your left eye. “But enough about that, let’s talk about you. What are we going over today?”

Hoseok is hesitant, pausing a moment as his eyes survey your seated form like he’s assessing whether it’s worth it to probe a little more. He seems to reach a decision and turns to his bag, pulling out his things.  They hit the table with a tentative thunk, even the sound seeming cautious. He is treating you like a bomb that could go off at any moment and to be honest… you can’t blame him.

“I need your help brainstorming for a project that’s due in a few weeks,” he says, most of the fear having left his voice. “But I was wondering if we could practice essay writing some more, maybe timed? One of my exams is an essay.”

You wince for him, but nod and reach for your phone, unlocking it carelessly and trying to shove down the hot spark of anger that ignites down your spine at the post being the last thing you were looking at. With a little more anger than necessary, you flick that screen away and pull up the timer app. “Yeah, we can do that. We’ll split the session in half, I’ll start the timer.”

When you turn back to Hoseok, his gaze is on your phone as his brows draw together in a pensive sort of expression. Something you can’t decipher washes over his face in the next second, his eyes flitting to you and then to your phone before he’s sitting back, covering his momentary lapse with a bright smile. You’re a little bit suspicious but not bothered enough to really be wondering about whatever is going through his head. 

You start the session, and given how previous ones have gone you’re kind of expecting him to fall into the same serious, broody mood as he has been. To your complete and utter surprise, however, Hoseok begins acting in his usual dumbass antics right off the bat. He’s more animated than you’ve seen him in weeks, making weird Hoseok Noises™ and laughing loudly, even poking you playfully every now and then. 

You still feel a little stormy, but the longer the session goes on the more he has a smile fighting to be set free. It’s Hoseok, so of course that resistance doesn’t last long. By the time his session is drawing to a close he has you chuckling, a small smile on your face. He appears accomplished, grinning brightly himself before he catches sight of the time and it falters slightly. You wonder what could have incurred such a reaction before the realisation smacks you and suddenly the inklings of sunlight peeking through the clouds above your head are swallowed up again. Right, the whole thing with Jimin.

With the events of yesterday and this morning still fresh in your mind, the slight parallel hits a little closer to home than you’d like. 

You don’t have to wonder if Hoseok has noticed the backtrack in your mood, because the expression of slight regret playing across his features tells you he has. He gives you a somewhat strained smile as he hastens to pack his things away, almost hesitating once done as though he wants to stay despite a deeper desire to avoid Jimin. 

“I’m gonna head now, avoid some of the traffic on the way home,” he rambles, seemingly torn between meeting your eyes so he can smile and avoiding them since he’s fibbing and he knows you know. You squint at him.

“Yeah, that’s fine. Wouldn’t want you stuck in traffic,” you say, staring him dead in the eyes. “You live so far away after all.”

He lets out a nervous-sounding laugh, most likely at the way you’re looking at him, and slings his overstuffed bag over his shoulder. “Ahah… yeah.”

He lives about ten minutes away, the little turd.

You roll your eyes, giving the boy a brief smile. “See you on Friday, Hoseok.”

Somewhat relieved you’re not too mad, Hoseok grins and salutes, returning the sentiment before he’s hightailing it out of there faster than you can say “emotional constipation”. Well, now that you’re left to your own devices for the next eight or so minutes, you’re not really sure what to do. For a moment you sit there, staring in a somewhat disassociating manner at the dark, matte grey surface of the library table. It’s a little quieter than usual this afternoon, and it really allows you to zone out more. 

You don’t really want to look at your phone, lest it appear like a request for more suffering to the powers that be. The last thing you want is them thinking you’re hungry for more shitty luck and going out of their way to give you more. So with your phone out of the question, you’re left with nothing to do for the next few minutes except sit and stare at nothing, and maybe transcend the mortal plane a bit while you’re at it. Which is what you do, and do so thoroughly that when a voice sounds next to you, you nearly scream and shit yourself. 

“Uh, excuse me…”

“HOLYFUCK!” A strangled noise escapes you, body spinning to face whoever almost scared you to death. “DUDE, you can’t just—oh, hey Jungkook.”

The tall boy flushes as your face softens upon seeing him, the anger that resulted from your scare quickly fizzling away. Jungkook has a face that you’ve always found impossible to be angry at. It feels like being angry at a baby, or a puppy, or a little sugar glider with their big ol’ eyes and tiny paws. You just… can’t do it. You’re lucky he’s not aware of his power or else, like any other bastard adolescent male, he might use it to get up to no good. 

“Oh, sorry! Sorry—I didn’t mean to scare you, I- I just saw this on the ground and came to give it to you. I think… I think one of you dropped it. I don’t know if it was you or Hoseok.” Jungkook does his best to meet your eyes, voice soft as he stumbles ever so slightly over his words. He can’t manage to hold your gaze for long however, before his is flying away and straying to the floor, and the ceiling, anywhere but you really. One of his hands rises to sweep through his long, inky curls and rub the back of his neck, the other occupied with gripping a notebook by his side. 

You examine the object a little closer, quickly coming to the conclusion you’ve never seen it before in your life. “I don’t recognise it. Could be Hoseok’s though. I’ll keep it for him in case it is his. Thank you, Jungkook.”

The male freezes, completely disarmed for a moment as you flash him a grateful smile. He is so completely still in the seconds following that you can’t help but worry—did you look so bad just then that you shocked him into a coma? Do you have a pimple you don’t know about, glaring at him from somewhere humiliatingly obvious on your face? Is there something in your teeth??

"O-oh," Jungkook clears his throat, blinking twice and then giving his head a little shake as though to clear it. "It's no— It's no problem! I mean I kind of work here so... it would be irresponsible of me to leave it? I mean, not that I would, I—"

You can't help the brief chuckle that wrestles its way from your chest to escape unbidden, your hands reaching to take the notebook that he'd begun holding out for you not long after he started talking. In the process your fingertips brush his own and Jungkook lets out a sound that rings suspiciously like a squeak, hands yanking back so suddenly you almost drop the book before you can adjust your own grasp.

"Oop," he says, the tips of his ears beginning to glow pink beneath the tan of his skin. "Sorry, your next session is probably about to start. I'll leave you be."

Then, as abruptly as he'd arrived, he departs—  for a second your wired brain almost tricks you into seeing a cloud of dust form behind him from how fast he flees, reminiscent of the cartoon characters from your childhood. 

Well, certainly not the strangest interaction you’ve ever had with Jungkook.

Blinking, you adjust your grip on the book, fingers feeling like they’re slipping against the back for a moment before they finally stop sliding and the notebook remains firm in your hold. Weird, you think, but quickly dismiss it as nothing more than sweaty butterfingers—something you’re prone to getting when stressed. Which, lately, seems to be all the damn time. 

You slip the book into your bag, setting a mental reminder to bring it next time you have a session with Hoseok so that you can ask if it’s his. You don’t actually remember what his notebooks look like (you’ve never really made it a point to burn them into your memory) so there’s a fair chance it could be his. In which case, you’re going to make fun of him for being a dumb doo-doo and dropping his book without even realising. 

Considering Hoseok left before his session could even end, you were kind of expecting at least a few minutes of peace to yourself where you sit and dissociate by staring at the table again. You’re mistaken however, it seems, and you barely get to blink before there is a familiar set of footsteps making their way to your table and the subsequent light, melodic voice that sounds as they announce themselves loudly and clearly, as they usually do. 

“y/n! Honey, I’m here!”

You close your eyes, taking a deep breath. He seems to be in a good mood. May the lord give you strength. 

Jimin’s footfalls change and you look up just in time to catch him begin skipping over to where you’re seated at the table, arms swinging and a bright grin overtaking his face, almost making his eyes disappear. You stare at him, caught off-guard by his sudden sunny disposition (the past few sessions haven’t been awesome to him, after all), but he doesn’t stop grinning at you the whole way over. You think you catch Jungkook giving him a dubious look from the front desk, but can’t be sure before Jimin is right in front of you and blocking your view of anything else with his midsection.

“Hi y/n!” he greets again, body swaying slightly where he stands before he slings his bag off and moves to plop in the chair. “Isn’t it such a lovely day tod—oh? Oh!”

Torn from your inner musings of whether or not you should be concerned at Jimin’s sudden mood shift, your eyes whip to his hand where it’s reaching for the chair seat, plucking something from the surface before he suddenly turns and flops down as originally intended. 

Jimin’s face has morphed into a picturesque expression of curiosity as he holds up what was between him and his seat; a piece of paper, barely a slip, folded neatly in half. The nosy male is quick to open it, clearly enunciating the words that are apparently scrawled across the inside. 

“’You look pretty today’… Aw, y/n, you shouldn’t have !”

You roll your eyes so hard you almost feel the nerve pinch inside your skull. Jimin, of course, knows that you didn’t leave the note for him, but apparently today is one of the days he delights in your suffering. 

You almost contemplate the effort of giving a response before realising that you don’t even need one; the male has quickly lost interest in the paper, leaving it discarded on the table top, and is now staring somewhat wistfully out the window with a slightly dazed grin. Okay, what? When he’d first rocked up, he seemed like he was buzzed and brighter than the sun, in one of those energetic top-of-the-world moods. Now… you’re rethinking that observation. If anything, he seems a little distracted.

And as your session with Jimin begins and proceeds, you quickly realise just how true this is.

Initially, you’d been slightly worried about Jimin rocking up with the same knowledge everyone else on this damn campus no doubt possesses after this morning. However, the further into the session you get, the more it becomes apparent that he’s far too off in space to have picked up anything like that. Not to mention, the more you think about it, the more you realise that you’re not even sure if Jimin even goes here. So would he know about all the latest campus gossip and drama? He is friends with Taehyung…

Ultimately you’re unsure, but cautiously optimistic that Jimin hasn’t seen anything to do with the poem or the post that was released this morning. You also figure that, given how distracted he currently is, he probably wouldn’t have had a chance to pick up on the gossip running through the halls anyway— you’re glad that you don’t have to worry about Jimin pitching in his two cents as to who the author is, but honestly? A small part of you kind of wishes that he knew, if only so you could see who he supported in this scenario, like whether he would defend your honour or whether he would betray you and stomp all over your friendship garden by falling for Sera's propaganda.

You suppose there's no way to know, since you're definitely not going to inform him about everything just to find out. No, this peace and calm that comes from how simply detached he feels from the current messy climate of your life is nice and you don't really want to throw that away just yet. For now, you're content to just sit and let it be. It's actually helping a little more of your anger fizzle out, so that's a definitely plus as well.

Content as you may be to let Jimin stay oblivious and wrapped up in his own little world as he currently is, you can't help but wonder what on earth has him so out of it in the first place. You don't think you've ever seen him like this, all spacey and distracted, dreamy smiles sent into the air where his eyes stare, half-lidded and dazed. You'd almost worry he's high on something were it not the brief moments of clarity where he checks back in to be a little shit and tease you.

Today's session for Jimin consists of a few worksheets he's brought for you to assist him with— two of which are similar enough and the third nothing to do with the others— and you do your best to guide him through them. Usually Jimin isn't that hard to tutor. You figured out early on that he's motivated by positive reinforcement more than anything else, and praise is what tickles him most. With this little hack up your sleeve, you never usually have an issue with guiding him along in sessions. Today, however, not even praise seems to be enough to bring him back to the present long enough to pay attention and actually make a dent in the work.

You like to think you're a pretty patient person, but even you have limits and they're reached about two thirds of the way into the session when Jimin gets distracted once more mid-sentence and leaves you sitting in place waiting for him, for a solid three or so minutes.

"Hey, Park," you bark sharply, hoping that if you sound enough like Hoseok then maybe it will startle him fully out of his reverie. "What's going on with you today? What the hell has you so distracted?"

Jimin jumps in his seat at your sudden tone, and turns to you now with wide eyes. It takes a moment for your words to sink in through the shock, but as soon as they register he sags in his seat and the tension leaves his form. His eyes flick to the right, a shy, lazy smile tugging his lips as his thoughts clearly go somewhere else. Seriously? Just how easily distracted is he right now? You only just got his attention, for crying out loud!

Just when you feel about ready to reach over and strangle an answer out of him, the crimson-haired male speaks and halts your violent thoughts in place.

"It's, um..." Jimin rakes his teeth over his bottom lip, using both hands to fiddle with his decorative ice-cream pen, a sundae with chocolate and cherries sitting cutely on the end. "Say, do you..."

Great, you can't help but think, looks like you're in this for the long haul.

"Do I...?" you prompt him, when you decide he's dawdled long enough in giving you an answer.

"Do you... you know... uh." Jimin rakes a hand through his hair, a button on the sleeve of his light denim jacket almost catching on the strands. He pauses, taking a deep breath, and then turns to meet your eyes— wait, is he blushing? "y/n... you know Lee Sera, right?"

Your entire brain seems to halt, the tip of your pen hitting the tabletop despondently. There's something funny about the way he looks right now, something odd and niggling at the back of your mind, but you can't quite place it because you're sitting there with a mild case of whiplash. What. "What?"

Jimin lets out a noise that is somewhere between a chuckle and a giggle, and shifts his gaze down to the paper on the table before him. Fiddling with the ice-cream pen once more, he bites his lip to hide a shy smile— oh, you realise what it is now. He looks like a school girl talking about her crush.

Two beats pass before that thought really sinks in —oh. no—  and it's just in time for Jimin's continuation to sucker punch you in the face.

"Do you know if she... likes anyone?"

You blink. Once. Twice. Your brain decides to pitch in, the words mere millimetres from your lips, 'Give me one reason why I shouldn't just kill you right now—'

You just barely hold the words back. The noise you make instead doesn't really sound human, nor does it constitute an actual response of any sort, yet it's all the male gets and still, he's not deterred. It's as though he hasn't noticed the steam currently beginning to spill from the surface of your head, coiling tendrils betraying your current fuming state. What kind of cruel injustice is this? No, you almost want to plead to the heavens and appeal the cruelty currently taking place on this earth— please no. 

“Y-you’re asking me if… if she…” You can’t seem to get the words out, the sounds choking in your throat. Jimin does seem to notice this, taking a moment to send you a somewhat concerned expression. It’s brief, though, and he’s soon off in his thoughts once again.

“Yeah,” he says, appearing bashful for a moment. “Although, that’s kind of silly of me, isn’t it. I mean, it’s Sera. Of course she has someone special, right?”

For one thing, you’re wondering just how you’ve managed to get this far in your tutoring sessions without finding out about Jimin’s evident crush on your ex-best friend. Like, is this a recent thing? Or is it more of a slow-burn, consistent for a long period of time thing? And on the other hand, given the context of the situation (despite full details being privy only to you), you can’t help but marvel at Jimin’s apparent poor taste in suitors.

Really, of all the people he could happen to have a crush on, it has to be her?!

“Nggh…” you choke down the words that attempt to rise to your lips, suddenly very uncomfortable in your seat. A barrage of thoughts rain upon your brain, overloading your mind. 

Does he know? Does he know about the whole mystery poem ordeal that has so far worked to ruin your life in more than one way? Has he seen the posts? Especially the one that Sera made this morning? It’s hard to pinpoint, but when Jimin doesn’t elaborate further and simply resorts to doodling on his paper as he disappears with the fairies once more, you muse that maybe he hasn’t. If he’d seen it, surely he’d be mentioning it as he spoke of her? Bitterly, you recall that no one today could seem to pass up the opportunity to praise her with every fibre of their being. Just the memory makes hot flames of anger lick at your chest, and you do your best to cool them before Jimin picks up on the Big Kill Energy beginning to emanate from your general direction. 

Somewhat thankfully, it’s at this moment that the timer on your phone goes off, signifying the end of the session. A long breath of relief escapes you as you reach for the device, sliding your thumb across the screen to dismiss the timer. The sound seems to have brought Jimin back to the present too, as he’s begun packing away his things in an indolent manner, humming softly to himself. He pulls his phone out, skimming through his feed distractedly as he does so. You decide you may as well do the same, beginning to pack up while he does. There’s no rush, so you actually take your time packing your things away instead of hastily cramming them all in your backpack at once like you usually are inclined to do. 

You almost zone out yourself before a sharp gasp breaks you from whatever reverie you were about to get stuck in. Your eyes whip up to Jimin and, immediately after seeing the expression on his face, a feeling of dread begins to creep into your gut.

“Oh my god…” he murmurs, hushed, eyes wide and glued to the screen of his phone. A beat passes before he scrambles to take it into his hold, ring-adorned finger whipping across the screen as he rapidly reads whatever is on there. You don’t like the way he seems to glow with each moment more that passes. 

“y/n!” he exclaims very suddenly and very, very loudly.  You jump in a combination of fright and tension. “y/n! She— she’s—!”

Oh, god. You wish you could sink into the earth and never resurface. He’s seen it.

Cramming the last few items in your bag, you make use of the fact that Jimin is still staring at his phone and pretend that you don’t hear him, rising from your chair and beginning to walk towards the library doors. Jimin scrambles to his feet, following after you like a puppy, or a child wishing to show their parent something important. “y/n!”

“Hm?” You throw the noise over your shoulder half-heartedly, looking hastily for the best escape route that Jimin isn’t likely to follow you down. Unfortunately this isn’t downtown, this is the second-biggest library on your campus, and there is nowhere you can go that Jimin wouldn’t be able to follow you.

“I— y/n! Do you know that whole mystery poem author thing? I heard something about it a while ago but I just— I only just read about it and! y/n!” Jimin reaches out to grasp you by the sleeve, effectively halting you for a moment.  “It’s just been found that Lee Sera is the author!”

Lord give you strength, you absolutely want to die. 

“O-oh?” The utterance is literally ground through your teeth, but Jimin seems to be in such a state of euphoria that he doesn’t even notice. Of course. 

“I mean, this is such a shock but… I’m not surprised.” The male is positively beaming with pride, looking down at his phone fondly. You think you’re going to be sick.  “She’s amazing, isn’t she? And she’s so humble to have kept quiet about the whole thing, too. Wah, she’s so….”

You don’t know whether you’re going to implode from anger or frustration, or maybe a dangerous cocktail of both. It’s as though there are live wires beneath your skin, nerves abuzz and wrought with the urge to strangle someone (preferably a certain someone) or hit something (preferably your head, against a desk).

“She sure is something,” you say, the toothy smile you slap on completely juxtaposing the bitter note to your voice. Jimin again, bless him, completely misses it. 

You’re so close to the doors, but not close enough. Please… you just want to go home and angry cry into your pillow.

“I never really paid it much attention, but now that I’m rereading the poem… she’s so talented,” Jimin’s tone is full of awe, and you know that you felt murderous this morning but now you feel that and incredibly done. When will karma finish rawing you? Have you not suffered enough? Was everyday living not torture enough? Jimin’s lovestruck babbling stops for no man, “It’s no wonder it blew up so much, she’s such a gifted—”

“Who’s such a gifted what?”

You jump slightly at the sound of a new voice, eyes whipping over to catch sight of Kim Taehyung as he slips into the library through the widening gap in the doors and makes his way over. It seems he’s donned a loose white shirt and black pants ensemble today, something you notice because of the way they flow as he walks. His question was directed at Jimin, but his eyes seem to be surveying your expression to get a read on the situation. 

Regrettably, you can feel that the face you’re currently pulling… really isn’t a good one. 

The second he sees him, Jimin changes targets and latches onto his friend’s arm instead. “Tae! The author of that poem you’re always raging about—oofft—”

You don’t quite catch it, but you swear you glimpse Taehyung— whose cheeks seem to have taken on a flushed tone— deliver a powerful elbow to Jimin’s ribs, who grunts but nonetheless continues, undeterred. You’ve really gotta give him points for his determination and perseverance at this stage. 

“The author of the poem, it’s Lee Sera! I know I always ignored you when you talked about it, but now that I think about it, it makes so much sense!” Jimin’s gushing again, and you really think you might be sick sometime soon. Is it possible to be so angry that you become nauseous? You suppose you’re about to find out. “She’s one of the best in her class, isn’t she? Of course she’s able to make such a beautiful poem that goes viral the second it’s released— it’s her!”

Taehyung’s eyes had been trained upon Jimin the whole time he spoke, but now they’re sweeping to you and for some reason, you find yourself freezing in place under their weight. The dark cocoa of his iris’ swim with something indecipherable, a curious tilt to the corner of his heart-shaped mouth. It’s as though he’s watching for your reaction to something. His gaze doesn’t leave you for the entire moment that he answers his friend, “Uh huh. Is that so?”

You’re unnerved— or maybe it’s just a very sudden, very potent overload of your senses. You’re angry, you’re upset and hurt; you’re frustrated now more than ever at the injustice of the situation and how much of an absolutely helpless position you have found yourself in. You want to leave, and you know that if you don’t soon, you’re probably going to start angry crying in the middle of the library and that is a mess you absolutely do not want to experience handling. Besides, you don’t think poor Jungkook at the reception is really equipped to handle those sorts of breakdowns. You really wouldn’t want to put him through it either. 

“Right, well I really have to go. I have a bunch of readings to do, so… better get started on those,” you announce loudly, cutting Jimin off before he can start again and drive you any further towards insanity than he already has. “Finish those sheets, Jimin. Don’t make me chase you up.”

Jimin whips his hand to his forehead in a salute, and you resist the urge to roll your eyes. Already turning on your heel, you make your escape while you can and wave goodbye. “Okay, see you! Have fun doing whatever it is you’re about to do!”

And then you absolutely yeet yourself out the library doors and all but bolt home. 

Alright. You have a date with your pillow and some tears, and you’re not about to miss it. May the gods of fortune guide you home without anymore incidents that make you want to slam your head against a brick wall, please and thank you. 

x         x         x          x    

“— I just, sort of like, you know, write whatever comes to my head. Like, whatever I feel comes from the heart—”

She follows you like the plague, bits and pieces of her and oh-so-casual reminders that she exists and is tormenting you, everywhere you go, and it takes every inch of your willpower to block her out and keep walking as you have every other time you encountered her preaching to admirers in the public spaces you frequent on campus. Sometimes Sera sees you, and you think that if she weren’t surrounded by half a hundred people sucking her toes then she might chase after you. You’ve been screening her calls, after all, and there have been a lot of them. 

You regret to say, that in the days following that cursed announcement, things don’t begin to die down nearly as much as you hope they would. People are still talking, still whispering about it, and instead of it becoming old news it’s as though instead it’s a rampant forest fire, feeding ravenously on the hot gossip passed between peers at brunch, posts typed out meticulously on various media and dramatic recounts told by the friends of those that, wisely, seem to live under a rock. 

You, of course, couldn’t be any less pleased with how the situation is panning out. 

Your hot, scalding, unadulterated cauldron of bubbling rage has since settled down to a reluctant simmer. This is partly because you realised it is kind of unhealthy to be that angry so constantly, and partly because you’re not a fan of the constipation that results from being so tense with anger. You lose some, you lose some, you suppose. It’s lose-lose these days, babey!

The climate at university isn’t looking good for you, and each day passes with great testament to your willpower and determination not to purchase an automated vehicle and run yourself over. You still go to classes, and attend even the stupidest of lectures and tutorials (you’ve had to suffer through experiencing Seokjin more often than you’d like, but he seems to have toned himself down a little the past few times you’ve seen him— perhaps he’s caught wind of that [redacted] post and actually feels sorry for you?... No, he’s probably just got the flu and doesn’t want to use his voice up to torment you all at once). To be honest, you even kind of forgot about Jimin and his apparent crush for a while— probably would have continued forgetting if it weren’t for your sudden recollection approximately three minutes before his session on Friday. 

With Hoseok gone, early as usual these days, you’re left to stew in your own thoughts and it’s barely a few minutes into dissociating that you remember Jimin’s last session and the knowledge that unfolded towards the end of it. 

True to your luck and arguably a few minutes early to being right on time, you hear Jimin’s patent patter of footsteps and fight the urge to sink in your seat. You really need to get it together because this is ridiculous, you’re not prepared for anything and everything is out to ruin your day one way or another. You’re well on your way to crashing and burning in some sort of way but you still have no idea when exactly it’s gonna go down. An absolute travesty. You’re a mess waiting to get even messier at barely a moment’s notice. 

“Afternoon, y/n!” Jimin crows in greeting as he nears you, a skip in his step and three books in his arms on topics that have absolutely nothing to do with each other. Does he even go here? You really wonder sometimes. “The sun says hello!”

You’re unsure whether he’s referring to himself, or the fact that the sun has indeed just peeked out from behind the clouds that have obscured it since early this morning, but either way the best you can manage is a strained smile in returned greeting. You can’t really bring yourself to look at him the same. Have you lost respect for Jimin after finding out that he has a massive crush on Sera, the person single-handedly responsible for ruining your life the most it has ever been ruined before and then going to ruin it further after you confronted her about it? Absolutely. Can you tell him without sounding like an absolute asshole because evidently to everyone but you Sera has managed to keep up a stellar appearance and benevolent persona? No, no you cannot and it’s probably going to end up making you drink questionable fluids later.

Somewhat stupidly optimistic, a small part of you hopes that maybe it was a brief crush, a spur of the moment affection erection, and that this Jimin in front of you now has realised the error of his ways and has moved on from this blight in his romantic record. 

Of course, this is not to be, and the second there’s a lull in conversation after he’s begun working on the task you set him, he begins chattering away as he scribbles his half-hearted answers on the paper. If he starts dotting his I’s with hearts, you really might k-word yourself. 

The topic of his vocal musings is, of course, one Lee Sera. You manage to sit there as he waxes the usual poetic, the stuff you heard last session and the things you’ve heard floating in the halls, with minimal incidence. While he’s talking about Sera, you’re constructing a little zen garden in the depths of your mind and it’s taking all of your brain power. Well, almost all of it— you do catch one little tidbit that makes you halt in your mental raking of sand.

“-- and I mean, I know it’s dumb, but I just can’t stop thinking about all those conspiracy posts on the forum, and, like… well, now they know who the author is, but they haven’t discovered the muse, you know? So like…”

The implication of his words hits you like a freight train, and the anger sizzling in your abdomen cooling suddenly into an odd sense of dread. Oh, oh no.

“I don’t think it is, but what if it really is me she wrote it about…?”

It seems, that Jimin— bless his pure, naive heart— has begun to hope. Learning that “Sera” is the author of a poem he’s suspected to be starred in seems to have crumbled the floodgate keeping the bulk of his feelings at bay. As he continues to mutter and ramble, pausing in his writing every so often to doodle a heart, or a tree with a heart and initials on it, you realise just how deep he seems to be in this little infatuation. 

The very prospect of there being a chance his feelings aren’t unrequited? He can’t help but cling to it, and the more you hear tumble from his mouth the more you realise this tomato-haired crackhead is actually a hopeless romantic, and literally cannot stop himself from hoping, from feeding that fantasy he has. 

Sitting there and listening to him, as the person knowing who the poem is really about and where Sera’s fixation doesn’t lie, you begin to feel a little guilty. You can’t tell him, can’t inform him of the reality because it would compromise you— not only that, he’s so taken with Sera and caught up in the romantic glow of the situation as he sees it that you doubt he’d believe you. That saddens you a little, that realisation. You’ve been friends with Jimin for months now, you’ve tutored him and even had a few impromptu therapy sessions when he rocks up a mess; but not once have you ever seen him or Sera so much as glance at each other, not once has his name passed her lips, and yet… if you were to confess to him, right here and right now, that you are the real author of the poem… would he believe you?

A part of you suspects the answer, and it makes your heart sink. 

You can’t bring yourself to say anything to him. The rest of his session is spent stewing internally in your own perplexing cocktail of guilt and hurt, and you realise only as it ends and you watch him leave through the door that you never even had a chance to convince him that he’s not the muse. It feels cruel, thinking of doing such a thing when you now know how attached he is to the possibility of being the muse with Sera as the author. It would be an awful thing for you to do, to stomp on the morsels of hope that have bloomed within him for his crush. But it doesn’t change the fact that you are the original author, and you know who the poem was really written about— is it not the morally right thing to do, to tell him the truth?

Do you protect his feelings, or do you hurt them for a greater good?

You don’t know which is the right thing to do in this situation, and when you eventually pack your things up and exit the library, it’s with a sick feeling in your stomach and a foreboding tingling of your sixth sense that tells you this… isn’t going to end well.

x     x     x     x     x     x

VVVVVBBT. VVVVVVVBT. VVVVVVVBT. VVVVVBT.

It seems to take longer for the ringing to end this time, you note, as you somewhat despondently  watch the phone vibrate and move across the table slightly from the force of it. Then again, it could just be the thousands of calls you’ve screened over the weekend that have you feeling so weary. Most would get the message that your continued silence and refusal to answer indicate, but apparently not Sera. You’ve always known she’s stubborn, and determined, but this is borderline crazy and you’re having trouble wrapping your head around the emergence of all these facets you never knew about or even noticed before now. 

The weekend just gone, the two days that are meant to be your one time of reprieve and sanctuary from the messy shithole your world has become lately, had been desecrated. Not even in the safety of your own home could you pretend your anxieties didn’t exist, the tell-tale vibrations of your phone and the occasional, persistent series of dings that alert you to a new message were ceaseless. It’s a little concerning, her dogged dedication to attempting to contact you, but at this point you’re not even interested in psycho-analysing it. You just want a break, and for the “block call” function on your phone to maybe actually work for once. 

Actually, you’ve been (unfortunately, regrettably) given a lot of insight into sides of Sera you’d never witnessed before, faces she’d kept hidden behind a carefully prepared facade and the persona she wanted to present to the world for the duration of your friendship. The messages she sends you come in groups, and more often than not in completely contradicting tones. Begging, pleading, empty apologies, anger, spite— you’ve seen them all, sometimes in the same message. For the most part, they’re shameless pleas and begs for you to talk to her, to answer her calls and listen to what she has to say. Some of them, though, give you a massive whiplash when you read them.

One such text from mid-Sunday reads from the notification bar, “i’m doing what you wanted, what the fuck is your problem? why are you so mad? honestly, at this point it’s a little selfish of you, i’m sacrificing so damn much just to…” 

Another, barely an hour after that one, was quick to backtrack, “llisten y/n, i’m sso fuckiggn sorry for that last tesct. it was so uncalled for im so sorry. i’m trying so hrard but you wont evenn anser my callss, and im jsut, imr realluy having g scucjh a hard time with all of this stuff goigng on adn…”

You didn’t click on the notification or open them, so you don’t actually know what she says in the latter half of her messages. You don’t think you want to though, if the start of some of them are any indication as to what the rest will hold. 

As if your phone being constantly lit up in some way or another due to her wasn’t enough, you also had to bear witness to the rest of the bullshit manifesting at her hands. In actuality, it was largely this that is responsible for relighting your rage pit and getting you back on the “incredibly pissed and absolutely unimpressed” track. 

Contrary to the texts and voicemails Sera left you over the course of the weekend, she is simultaneously active on the cursed forum that she used to start all this, and the posts you've been seeing only serve to fuel your anger. At one point you got so mad you nearly threw your phone into your pot of noodles, the only thing stopping you being that you’re better than that and you’d rather throw yourself off the bank into the nearby river than let her get one up on you in any way. 

Pleading and begging she would be in your inbox, and then she’d turn and press send on a post in the forum that completely contradicts whatever crap she bawled at you in her messages. The forum is currently an absolute mess of shipping posts (no longer starring you, but her) with varying suspected muses, the odd conspiracy post,  and questions directed her as the ‘author’ that she answered in full character. You could deal with the shipping posts (well, all but one. That one made your blood boil and your stomach twist into an ugly pit of warped envy), but her impersonating you as the author and answering questions about your work as though she wrote it herself? You’re ready to spill blood. 

The most common question, of course, in all its variations is something best encapsulated by this particular gem that shows up late Sunday evening: ‘omg, i love love love moonlight sonata! the second i read it i couldn’t help but fall in love, whether with you or the poem idk yet! I just wanted to know, like probably everyone does, who was the muse?’

That [redacted]’s response to this is probably the one that gets your blood boiling the most too. 

‘hi, thank you so so much for all the love! its so strange since this was never meant to get out and i never really get such response to my works,, but i’m getting more used to it and im so so grateful!! haha! its actually funny you say that,, it was so embarrassing at the time but i once had a teacher say that they thought i could make someone fall in love with me with a poem alone ><  hehe i guess they were right! and i did write moonlight sonata for someone, but i’m not sure if i should reveal that just yet… you’ll have to wait and see!’

Murder is illegal and so is manslaughter. Again, with more feeling. Murder is illegal, and so is manslaughter. There. You take in a deep breath, attempting desperately to find some zen after recalling all the forum posts you’d seen over the duration of the weekend. You suppose the only silver lining you’re going to be able to find in this is the fact that Sera doesn’t actually know who you wrote the poem for. Well, she might have a suspicion, but you’ve never told her. And even so, there would be no point in her ‘revealing’ who your muse is, since she’s claimed she is the author and ‘confessing’ someone would lead to circumstances she’d likely rather avoid.

But, now that you think about it, shouldn’t that mean that she’d try and avoid mentioning it altogether? If so, why is she feeding it every chance she gets…? 

You don’t get to spare that train of thought much time, since despite how long the weekend drags on, the next day arrives very quickly. Before you know it, almost the entire day is gone and you’re zipping through your tutoring session with Hoseok, helping the somewhat frantic boy with a last-minute assessment he’d completely forgotten about. You’ve spent the whole day successfully avoiding anything to do with Sera and that stupid poem, and you’re actually feeling quite good at this point, in comparison to how you’ve been feeling the past, well, the past month or so. The hour passes quicker than you’d like and before long you’re packing your things up and helping Hoseok with his own bulging assortment of textbooks and notepads before they all go tumbling to the floor. You swear you see some receipts with hasty scribbles littering the bottom of his bag but you try not to look since you don’t want to ruin your progress and stress yourself out. You’re in such an oddly peaceful mood you’re actually thinking of asking Jimin if he wants to spend the session outside under the trees in the new garden the university brought in. Uncharacteristic, you know, but what is the human experience if not getting so stressed and exceeding your emotional capacity so extensively that you transcend all planes of feeling and feel contrarily at peace?

It’s as you’re exiting the library after your session with Hoseok, carrying some of his things for him while he fixes his bag, that the universe decides to remind you of your place and the fact that you can never truly avoid your problems in life. Apparently, they’re prone to chasing you down and sniffing you out like a bloodhound, and like a particularly nasty yeast infection they never truly go away until you seek professional help and purchase an antibiotic restraining order for that shit. 

You barely get the words, ‘See you on Wednesday, Hoseok’, out of your mouth before you hear another familiar sound, much sooner than you anticipated. Hoseok returns the farewell and turns away, still cramming the rest of his things in his bag as he begins to move off. A laugh, light and airy and very familiar, brushes your ears and you turn with a slight smile on your face. Excellent, given he doesn’t see Hoseok making his quick escape, then he’ll probably still be in a good enough mood to agree to studying outside with you.

You turn, greeting already on the tip of your tongue, and promptly feel the words die in your throat and the smile on your lips drop completely. Oh, for the love of fuck.

Jimin is smiling, laughing, as he comes down the hallway, cheeks flushed pink and eyes disappearing into gleeful crescents— it’s a sight that would made you smile if it weren’t for the fact that he’s not alone.   

The woman of the hour, the source of your suffering for the past month or so, is striding along next to the oblivious male, like the scorpion perched on the frog’s back. She’s placed her hand on the back of his arm as they walk, smiling at something he’s said as he chatters away, resembling an eager puppy as he does so. You recognise the move as one of her favourite lightly flirty ones. 

Somewhat belatedly, your flight response kicks in, and you go to move and leave while you can—  but its not before Sera turns and notices you standing there, mid-movement.

The shift is instantaneous. You might have thought that the interested expression she was directing at Jimin was genuine, if it weren’t for the way her entire demeanour changes the second she catches sight of you. Your first instinct is to be angry that she’d managed to find her way to Jimin, and that he’d probably fall for whatever bullshit spouted from her mouth about being the author, but as you see the slight, victorious flicker pass through her gaze, you become angry for another reason entirely. The suspicion weighing heavy in your gut makes your blood boil as Sera straightens, angling her body away from Jimin completely and all but non-verbally dismissing him, as though he’s no longer even there.

Jimin halts, brows drawing together as he takes in the change in Sera’s behaviour, confusion colouring his puppy-like features as he looks around for anything that could have triggered it. His eyes fall on you and they light in recognition, smile returning to his face as he waves at you, some of his crimson locks falling across his forehead from the movement. “Oh, y/n! Hey! I was just on my way to the session!”

Something churns in your gut, a foreboding feeling that feels far too icky to touch. 

 He takes a step closer, but pauses when Sera moves forward. Your entire body is tense with the conflicting urges to run and sock her in the face, limbs coiled and ready to spring you away. You’re going to have a massive crick in your neck after this. She begins stepping closer, hand stretching out as though to touch your arm, her brows drawing together in as close an approximation as she can get to regretful.

“y/n, I’ve been trying to talk to you all day,” she says, tone having adopted an edge you’re very familiar with. Is she stupid? You know all her manipulation tactics, what is the point in employing them now? You think you know, though, and the thought only serves to stoke the bubbling pit of molten rage in your stomach. 

Her hand reaches for your arm, trying to touch it, and you move it out of the way before she can, taking a few firm steps back.  “Don’t touch me,” you warn, unable to help the glare that your features are pulled into. “I’m not interested in talking to you. I don’t want to.”

She’s really pushing it. You’re a patient woman, but even you have a limit and she’s fast approaching it. 

A flicker of irritation flashes across Sera’s features before she masks it with her go-to ‘kicked puppy’ look. From the corner of your eye, you see Jimin flounder in confusion, probably because he has absolutely no idea what happened between you. 

“y/n,” Sera whimpers, and when you see Jimin shift in concern behind her you realise why she’s acting the way she is. She’s using him as collateral, and she used him for land development to actually lock you down. Seems she doesn’t take being avoided very well. “Why are you being so harsh? I— I’m doing what you asked, why are you still so mad?”

You can’t help the venomous response that rips itself off your tongue, glare deepening. “Cut the shit. You know exactly why I’m pissed— it’s the same fucking reason I was pissed last week, except now it’s worse because you’ve made it worse. How could you possibly think any of what you’ve been doing is what I asked?”

You can only be glad that Hoseok has already left and the hallway is mostly deserted, the sole witness being Jimin to the spectacle beginning to unfold as Sera places a hand to her chest, sniffing and throwing her other hand out for emphasis. “Please, y/n, what do I have to do to fix this? I really have been doing what you asked, I’ve been—”

It’s as though something snaps within you, almost an entire week of her bullshit placing you at your wits end. You’re fuming, practically spitting flames, and it’s just barely that you hold yourself back from wrapping your hands around her throat. “You’ve been doing nothing but make things worse for me! You started this whole thing, you continued feeding into it even though you knew what it would mean for me— there is no fixing this!”

“y/n,” Sera’s eyes have begun to water, and you’re so enraged you don’t even see Jimin taking a few alarmed steps closer. “Please, I-I’m so sorry, I’ve said it a thousand times that I am s-so sorry—”

“Don’t you dare come to me and tell me you’re sorry. You’re not sorry, you were never sorry, and you clearly don’t regret a thing because the entire time since last Wednesday all you’ve been doing as parading around and proclaiming yourself as the author of that stupid poem when we both know it isn’t you!”

Sera flinches back, a visible clash of hurt and rage whipping across her features. It seems she settles on the latter emotion, face dropping into a glare and mouth opening to hurl a response back. The front she has put up is falling apart the longer this goes on. “I’ve told you so many times how much I regret what I did, how can you say—”

“y/n, what the hell?” Jimin’s voice has a sharp edge you don’t think you’ve ever heard before as he steps forward suddenly, looking incredulous and angry at once as he suddenly reminds you of his presence. “She’s the author, stop being so horrible. Isn’t she your friend? How could you doubt her? Is it so hard to believe that she’d want to write a poem for the person she likes?”

You’re momentarily stunned by his words, confused as to why he’s stepping in to defend her so avidly even with his little crush. It takes a moment, but it clicks eventually— dread fills the pit of your stomach as you realise that the idealistic hopes Jimin had revealed to you last session about being the subject of the poem have been exploited by a scorpion wishing to cross the pond.

“Shut up, this doesn’t concern you.”

Torn violently from your thoughts by the harsh, unexpected words, your gaze whips back to Sera, eyes wide. Jimin flinches, a soft noise of shock and surprise escaping him as his own wide-eyed gaze centers on her and hurt floods his deep chocolate irises. “Wh-what? But you said—?”

“Shut. Up,” she grinds out through teeth clenched so tight that part of you thinks they might shatter beneath the pressure.

Jimin fumbles, his confusion urging him to continue when he probably shouldn’t. “When we were walking here you said that you… that I was—”

Sera explodes, like a bomb with faulty wires and a timer that went off too soon. “I LIED! I’m not the author, and even if I was, that poem would never be about YOU!”

In the seconds that follow her booming exclamation, her words ring in the absolute silence of the hall. For a moment, it’s still. Then your eyes flick to Jimin’s face and you see how it falls, and all of a sudden it hits you— the realisation of what she just said, and who she said it to. How awful Jimin must feel, to hear those things directed at him. Now, for a moment, you see red, and you feel it slowly climb up your body from your toes to your fingertips and to your chest. You aren’t even aware of moving until you’re barely a foot away from Sera and your arm is whipping through the air, body apparently more in control than your brain.

You’ve never slapped anyone before, didn’t ever think that you really would, but the motion comes easily and the harsh impact of your hand against Sera’s cheek is satisfying in an odd, sickening way. Apparently you pack quite a punch when absolutely fucking livid, because her head turns from the force of your blow, her eyes shooting wide. You’ve left a mark in her foundation. Jimin’s crushed expression crosses your mind’s eye once more and suddenly the satisfaction you felt prior isn’t enough. You go to move again.

You get barely a split second into the movement before arms are looping under your armpits, your body being hauled away and out of hitting range. You’re so angry you barely pay attention to who it is, your focus on the piece of work in front of you and the absolute spitting rage that has swallowed you whole at the sight of her.

“How dare you—” you seethe, the words spilling like acid from your tongue faster than you can think them. “How could you say that to him—”

Everything suddenly hastens into movement from the stillness that had possessed it before. Distantly, you realise the person restraining you has stopped moving backwards and is attempting to calm you, but that doesn’t carry much weight when you hear a choked noise and your gaze is drawn suddenly to the side.

Jimin has taken a step back, almost stumbling in his leather boots, his hands trembling and brows drawn together, expression nothing short of crestfallen. You swear you catch his bottom lip quiver, and then your attention is taken by the way his dark eyes begin to water right in front of you. You’re almost rooted to the spot in shock as they begin to fill with tears, but you don’t get to see them fall because before they can,  Jimin turns on his heel and begins walking away, pace quick and hurried. 

“y/n.” The red has cleared from your vision enough that you now realise the person restraining you is Hoseok, his voice sounding close to your ear. He speaks again and you freeze because it’s with a tone you’ve never heard come from him before. It’s fury, but quiet and controlled unlike your hot spark of rage, and it makes you snap back into your senses instantly, spine straightening. “Go after him. He’s hurting.”

The brain cell rattling around in your brain reserved for mortal combat might be telling you to finish Sera off while you can, but Jimin is your friend and the reason you want to kill her in the first place is because she did hurt him. And the look on his face… you’ve never seen it on him before and you never want to again. For whatever reason, her careless words seem to have cut him deep, and you need to go and make sure he’s okay.

Without a second thought, you slip out of Hoseok’s arms and he lets you go. You begin in the direction that Jimin is going, footsteps hastening in an attempt to close the distance. You forget about Sera in favour of chasing more pressing things. “Jimin—”

The call had slipped out of your lips unwittingly, but the sound of it seems to set Jimin off. He quickens his pace further, and his legs aren’t that much longer than yours but the muscles are clearly more developed since you’re eating his dust even more than before.  He disappears around the corner, and you just barely catch sight of his behind before you have to push to glimpse him once more. 

Whether he doesn’t want to be followed by anyone, or whether he— heaven forbid— thinks it’s Sera coming after him, Jimin does his best to try and lose you. Around twists and turns, down hallways that you didn’t even know this building had, you chase him for what feels like forever and you can’t pinpoint where but somewhere in that time the two of you transitioned to almost running, Jimin’s light jog-speedwalk fusion easily getting the better of your own weak attempt. 

Despite the heaviness of the situation, you can’t help but marvel that he really didn’t successfully streak across the university sports field for nothing— he’s super fast, and the only reason you’re able to keep up somewhat is through the temporary rush of adrenaline that slapping Sera gave you and the sheer determination not to lose him. You don’t normally have this much stamina, after all, but you don’t think Jimin is going to be running out on the other hand either. If he takes you up one more flight of stairs it’s game over for you. 

“Jimin, wait—” you attempt to call out once or twice, but he never turns around, and each time you do so just results in him moving faster. You get the message quickly, but still have to bite your tongue to quell the natural urge to call out that rises. 

The longer he goes, the more frantic he seems. Once or twice you think you see his shoulders shake, but can’t tell if it’s him or the rattling of your vision from your jerky movements. Jimin can’t evade you forever though, and this building and its hallways aren’t endless. Eventually you reach a dead-end, and the red-haired male gives up. He stumbles a little, making it through the doorway before he moves to the wall, his back to you. 

Slowing down from your jog, you feel the tax of the exercise catch up with you as your breathing works to compensate the uncharacteristic energy use. You pause as you make your way towards him, somewhat tentative now he’s backed in a corner. Well, corner might not be the right word for it. Somehow, in all his evading, Jimin has managed to lead the two of you to the small balcony on the top floor of the building, barely anything more than a little alcove to overlook the horizon. It faces the direction that the sun sets, and you receive a view of that now, the soft reds, pinks  and oranges a contrast to the light blue of Jimin’s denim jacket but a compliment to the scarlet of his hair. 

Despite the fact you chased him this far, wanting to comfort him, now that you’re here… you feel kind of bad for intruding. Still, you didn’t tail him through the entire building for nothing. Tentatively, you make your way over to where he is. You’re not very loud, but he seems to sense your arrival when you step out onto the balcony with him, back still to you. You take another step closer, going to peer around his shoulder, but he flinches, bringing his hand up over the side of his face and using the other to wipe under his nose.

“Don’t look,” he sniffs. “This is humiliating.”

At his words, you feel your heart sink right down to your feet. The resulting sensation is an empty ache in your chest, something you think you can best describe as empathy that is a little too deeply rooted. Suddenly you realise that, in a way, this is your fault. You wrote the poem that ended up hurting him, and even though you weren’t the one who said those things to him, you’re the one that provided the fodder. 

You don’t know what to say, so much was on the tip of your tongue trying to burst forth before, but now it’s as though your voice is stuck in your throat. You swallow, shuffling the slightest bit closer, and attempt to pull something meaningful from the dredges of your mind. 

“It’s okay. Everyone looks a little bit ugly when they cry, you know.” Not what you intend to come out, but it comes out anyway. 

It pulls an unwitting laugh from Jimin though, the sound tinged with the echo of a sob. He turns and presses his back to the wall, covering his face with both hands, and slides down until he’s seated on the floor, knees drawn up. You watch him for a moment, the way his form trembles slightly and he sniffs, before you’re carefully placing yourself down next to him, trying not to be too obnoxious in your movements.

You wait a moment, partly because you want to see if he is going to say anything and partly because you, yourself, have no idea where to start. It occurs to you, though, that maybe what he wants isn’t comfort in the form of words. When he doesn’t speak, and the moment still doesn’t feel right to say anything, you ease a little closer and, when he doesn’t protest or shift away, you do the only thing you can think might comfort him in this moment. 

Silently, you move your arm up and around, slipping it over his shoulders and pulling him close to you into a half-embrace, feeling somewhat like a mother hen sheltering her chick from the harshness of the world. Jimin stills for a second, frozen in your arms, but then he lets himself fall into you and it seems the proverbial dam holding his tears at bay breaks. 

He lets himself sob now, hands still over his face and his body shaking against your side as he curls up into you and draws his knees closer to his body. His tears flood his hands, some escaping to drip down onto your legs and shirt.  Your heart aches at the sounds escaping him— trust Sera to unintentionally pinpoint someone’s deeply hidden trauma when insulting them. The only thing stronger than the dislike you feel for her right now is the regret that you allowed the circumstances of your own situation to spill out and affect other innocent people in your life, like Jimin.

 You spend some time simply sitting there, letting Jimin cry out the hurt against you at the cost of your shirt and jeans, running your hand soothingly along his back and arm. You place your other hand on the knee closest to you, not much but another small symbol of comfort you hope he receives. He’s in a state for a while, sobbing and hiccuping until his voice grows a little hoarse and thick from the snot congesting his nose. Eventually, he calms enough that his body no longer shakes with his weeping, and after a period of silence broken only by a few sniffles here and there, the male pulls away so that he’s no longer leaning on you like the tower of Piza. 

You let him slip out of your hold, simply sitting and waiting for him to speak— you could sense the intention in the way he wipes his face and swallows, readying himself. You don’t have to wait long. 

“This is probably the one thing I’m most afraid of in life, you know,” he croaks softly, a humourless laugh tacked onto the end. Your heart gives a painful throb, but you bite your tongue from comforting him just yet. You can feel there’s more to come. 

Jimin seems to finally manage to wipe his face somewhat clean, at last letting his hands drop onto his lap and allowing his head to fall back softly against the wall. His profile is illuminated by the last reaches of the sun, casting him in a soft pink glow that almost disguises the redness around his eyes and nose. 

Watching him so keenly as you are, it doesn’t escape you when he opens his mouth to speak again and his chin wobbles, his gaze directed to the ceiling of the alcove. His voice wavers, growing strained as he vocalises the thoughts weighing him down so.

“It’s kind of stupid, isn’t it?” he says softly, still looking upwards. “Everyone’s afraid of rejection, but for me… I can’t— I can’t… handle it.”

“It’s stupid, to be crying over this,” he sniffles, eyes watering but no tears falling as he attempts to hold them back. “It’s stupid, but it just— it just hurts, you know? It fuckin’ hurts. All the people I admire, and the people I have admired in my life…”

Jimin blinks, a single tear slipping down over his cheekbone of its own accord. He lets it go, not bothering to wipe it. You’re caught frozen in your spot, watching with wide eyes as he reveals the most hidden part of himself and entrusts it to you. From just your usual interactions, you’d never have garnered that this side of him even exists.  He takes a deep breath, a shaky breath. “It doesn’t matter who they are, what they are to me, it never seems to change. Either they don’t want me from the beginning, or they— they find something more important to them than me and they leave.”

“A-and I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help but think,” he chokes a little, voice growing thicker and wobbling dangerously. He blinks rapidly, fresh tears burning his eyes. His voice cracks on the last of his words. “I can’t help but think, w-what if that’s what is meant for me? W-what if there’s no one who will stay?... What if no one will want me, y/n?”

His words are a boot crushing your heart beneath its sole, and you swear even with all you’ve been through in the past month or so you have never felt as gutted before as you feel now for him. The last question to leave his mouth seems to bring the rest of his feelings to the surface, his eyes closing as a soft sob slips from his lips once more. He brings his hands to his face again, elbows resting on the top of his knees, and you’re so busy trying to squash down your own tears for him that for a moment, you can only sit there and listen to him. You feel a bit lost. 

What could you ever possibly do to even begin healing a wound that seems to run that deep?

You know, realistically, there isn’t anything you can do, and it’s not your place nor wound to heal. But still, you know there is something you can do to ease it a little in this moment, you just need to figure it out. It’s at that thought that suddenly, you receive a stroke of genius, an idea that honestly is a little embarrassing but definitely better than nothing coming to mind. 

Already feeling somewhat humiliated in advance, you reach for your bag and open it enough to stick your hand in and rifle through it for the familiarly shaped object. Jimin has shown you one of the most vulnerable parts of him, so you can live with the embarrassment this once. Your hand finally locates what it’s looking for, pulling out the beaten-up A5 spiral notebook that has lived in your backpack for the past two years. Jimin either doesn’t hear you or doesn’t care enough at the moment to pay attention to whatever the shuffling sound is, which you’re kind of thankful for because you need a minute or two to actually follow through with your idea.

You slip your hand back into your bag as you open the notebook with the other, performing a lucky-dip of sorts into the risky depths of your bag one more in search of a pen. You find one and pull it out without discrimination— god, alright, it’s the rainbow ink gel pen with a crystal cat on the end that you bought on a whim at the dollar store. Guess that’s the hill you’re dying on this afternoon.

Peeking to the side to make sure Jimin isn’t watching— he’s still crying into his hands, something you probably shouldn’t be slightly relieved about in the moment— you try and flick through the book as quietly as possible, eyes scanning the messy scribbles on each page.

This, is your little rough idea scrapbook. The only thing that’s in a state anywhere near as chaotic and messy as this is your phone notes, and you really don’t want to think about those right now. In this old, beaten notebook that surprisingly hasn’t run out of pages yet, is where you usually scribble your ideas for writings, or poems. You’re looking for one of the latter currently, a rough draft that came to you in a fever dream and you copied onto paper in a haze, before never touching again. It’s incomplete, but you’re finally about to give it the ending it deserves. 

Finally, you catch sight of it on one of the pages to the back, the words “softer than the embrace of the moon” jumping out at you. Ah, this is it. The rough draft of Moonlight Sonata, the poem that ended up turning your life on it’s head and leaving you for dead in the dust from the upheaval.

Making sure Jimin is still not focusing on you, you uncap the stupid, glittery pen and hastily put it to paper, throwing down whatever enters your head that makes sense and feels right. You don’t think you’ve ever written anything this fast that wasn’t a heap of absolute trash, but perhaps it’s the emotional potency of the moment that has you scrawling lines across paper with ease. 

You only take a few minutes, and after which you somehow simultaneously feel the cathartic effects of creating a poem and the embarrassment of the fact someone else is about to see it. Well, it’s not Moonlight Sonata in any way, but this little abridged creation… it’s not too bad.

Quietly as you can so you don’t prematurely disturb his weeping, you tear the page from the book and make sure there’s nothing on the back and the old title is scribbled out before you fold it in half, turning to Jimin at last.

Gently, you reach and brush some of the dyed strands from his forehead, successfully catching his attention. Jimin peels his hands from his face, eyes red-rimmed and bloodshot but containing a curious glint as they turn to you.

You opt not to say anything just yet, pulling one hand towards you and placing the folded piece of paper onto his palm. Confused, he stares at it for a moment before bringing it back towards him and tentatively unfolding it. You wait until he begins to scan the page before you speak. 

“Just because you weren’t the subject of that poem, doesn’t mean you’re not worthy of being the subject of any.”

His head whips to you as your soft words catch in his ears, eyes wide and glistening slightly, full lips parted and mouth slightly ajar. You can feel your face beginning to burn, but you ignore it for the sake of Jimin. You’ve come this far, you need to say it and he needs to hear it. 

“There are many things about you to fall in love with, Jimin, and even if the author didn’t, I know someone will,” your voice shakes slightly as you speak, a small smile touching your lips. Something pops into your mind before you can call it quits, and you feel the rest of your face light on fire in anticipation. Right. Just do it, pussy. It was embarrassing when done to you, and it’s embarrassing to be the one doing it, too.

This is so humiliating, but you’ll do it… for him. Fuck this whole friendship thing, man.

Taking another deep breath, you reach for the hand closest to you and take it into your grasp, pulling it closer. “And I know it hurts, right now, a lot… and it might hurt for a while, and that’s okay.” You swallow your embarrassment and bring his palm to your lips, placing a soft kiss there, before moving his hand back and placing it over his heart. “But my mother always said kisses take the pain away, so I hope this can ease it, even a little.”

In the moments following your little spiel, it’s silent, and Jimin stares at you in a mixture of shock, appreciation, and something else you’re not quite emotionally equipped to decipher. The stillness breaks in the next second when his eyes water once more and he lets out a long whine that sounds suspiciously like your name, and to save face you let out a loud groan as you reach and pull him into a hug again, rolling your eyes playfully. 

“Hopeless,” you say, shuffling you both so you’re facing the sunset and watching the last of it slip past the horizon. “If you keep crying, how are we going to explain your face after? I know I told you everyone is a little ugly when they cry but you’re really— ow!”

Jimin chokes a sobbed laugh into your shoulder, retracing his fingers from where they jabbed your ribs. You glance from the corner of your eye and can’t help the smile that rises when you see he’s clutching the scribbled poem you finished for him to his chest.

“Shut up and let me commit the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me to memory and watch the sunset before I push you over the railing,” he grumbles, smile evident in his voice. You roll your eyes again, face still warm from your embarrassment. You relax into each other, soaking up the last of the sun’s warmth while it’s there.

Backtalk, after you willingly humiliated yourself to make him feel better? Fuck this friendship thing, bro. Gremlins have rights, too.

  — • masterpost | prev. | four | next • —

[stubbornness-and-spite]

since you have immaculate taste-snowbaz

Yes. All the yes.

But...oh no...you might have....prompted a...just a little bit of an....essay/rant?

oops

Hot take: snowbaz is unhealthy. 

Wait, don’t leave yet. Hear me out. 

Based only on their relationship in Carry On, not taking into account Wayward Son, they don’t have the healthiest dynamic. What I like about them is the potential for growth, how neither of them are in the best place emotionally or mentally and they aren’t in a great place to support the other, but they’re willing the change and grow. 

Baz’s obsession with Simon edges on creepy relatively often. To his credit, he never tries to force Simon into anything romantic and never resents Simon specifically for not reciprocating his feelings, but it’s still a less than healthy level of obsession. His pulling pigtails attitude isn’t that great either. “Oh, the boy I like doesn’t like me back so I’m going to mock and belittle him so he feels as shitty as I do.” Like, what the hell? That’s not great. What I like about it is that Baz makes a conscious effort to do better and be better. His anger towards Simon is a manifestation of his own self-destructive tendencies which are equally unhealthy but show that Baz acts the way he does out of his lack of control over his life and gives him room to improve.

I actually think Simon is the more emotionally stable and literate of the two of them. I also think Baz is the one who needs to do more personal growth to be able to be in a relationship that is fulfilling on both sides. 

I adore snowbaz because of the way they help each other to be better people. Baz is the first person besides Penny to see Simon as Simon first and the Chosen One second. Simon is the first person to be willing to not just look past Baz’s vampirism but to accept it as a part of him and not think any less of him for it. Both of them are lonely kids who haven’t had enough emotional support in their lives who are willing to let the other lean on them to help them grow and flourish. I don’t think that at the end of Carry On they have the most stable dynamic, but I think they’re both willing to put in the effort to build something together. And I think that’s beautiful.

[tillman]

hey hey hey okay so i saw you mentioning how mad fates interpretation of gawain makes you and im eyes emoji... would u be willing to rant for us or nah fjenfjf i know it's a weird question but honestly i love seeing you so passionate about this stuff it's really interesting and fun to explore from a complete noobs perspective

YES of course…. to be upfront im completely going off of fgo and the garden of avalon bits of fate lore because i havent gotten around to the other games yet and also i have no money to do that so i cant say if hes better in the other things hes in or if his characterization works way better in those situations so sowwy ! i have limited free time !  anyways

this is coming from someone who loves the arthurian knight sir gawain enough to do an essay on his character and actions for class just for shits and giggles. I genuinely think hes the most interesting knight of the round and even if hes not my top fave for stupid biased reasons, i really luv this man. know this. hes passionate and caring, sympathetic and flawed, stupid and horny but driven and motivated by complex emotions. the knight gawain is a deeply flawed human being, but he knows this and wears this fact with pride (literally! the girdle bertilaks wife gives him is completely symbolic and its wonderful) hes not stupid, though hes a bit dense. 

the most interesting thing about gawain from the legends to me is he tends to see morality in a VERY black and white way. (person) has wronged (my family/me/those i care about) thus (person) must die. he doesnt need to go deeper than this! pellinore, lamorak, and lancelot all hurt him in some way and so he stops at nothing to get their heads. hes not a very complicated man in that regard, which is neat! hes basically a vigilante knight in some sense which is fucking interesting! but back on topic oops

my problem w fates version of the knight comes from the fact the major change they made is making him less devoted to his family and more just towards whoever hes serving. 

this completely twists his entire character from a flawed man with too much love and passion for those close to him, willing to manipulate his own uncle and king into a war he will either die or kill his best friend in just to avenge his brothers, to simply a cop who doesnt give a single fucking shit about if the orders are just or not. sir gawain functions on his own sense of morality and honor. he doesnt care if the murder of pellinore was unchivalrous or wrong. that man killed his father and he will pay. fates gawain is just following orders from someone he is loyal too. he doesnt really care if they are right or even just to him, he just cares theyre from his lord. 

i think the most egregious thing fate includes in this characterization is gawains willingness to kill his brothers. hell when hes listing the knights he personally slayed he just throws gaheris’s name in there with no empathy. like  This bit truly hurts to read i think about it a lot.

half the list and half the justification of why they were killed it just hurts! i wont talk on kay literally being his uncle or percival and gawain being close friends or fucking how funny it is pellinore is in there too but thinking for three seconds how gawain, the man willing to bring down camelot just to avenge his brothers deaths, would just lightly throw gaheris in with the dead who tried to “protect the kings honor” really just . wow ! thats so completely off ! 

anyways fate gawain is a fucking cop and i want to bash his stupid little head in. at least hes nice to gareth in her little my room line about him. thats it. thats the only thing i can give him. 

[lesbiskam]

A (not so) Simple Analysis of Ele and Edo’s First Date (or why I didn’t hate this clip like I normally do)

I was going to make a “in this essay I will...” thing but then I accidentally wrote the dam essay... whoops :) it’s under the cut

First, I’m going to address the overall vibe I got from Ele, which is super important. Ele seemed very defiant the entire time, which may seem bad, but stick with me. In my opinion, Noora seemed very uncomfortable as soon as she greeted William. It’s almost as if you can feel the power imbalance. Noora has been forced to go on a date with William, and she almost seems scared because of it (almost). However, Ele really seems to hold her own. True, she doesn’t really want to be there, but she doesn’t seem intimidated, she just seems straight up pissed (which is completely understandable). It’s very clear from the start that Edo really has no power over Ele, and every thing she does is her own choice and not because she feels like she has to. (If you don’t see what I’m feeling, then I’m sorry, because I really don’t know how to explain the vibe.)

Now, some people might sit there and think “but why is this little detail so important?” Good news, I can explain that too :) Ele might have said that this wasn’t a real “date” and she might be right, but it that doesn’t mean it isn’t important. This is the first time that Ele and Edo really start to get to know each other. This ���fake date” sets up their dynamic for the entire season. In the case of William and Noora, William seems to have far too much power over Noora. Noora also loses her confidence and becomes weak throughout the season. Both of these things start on the very first date. The power dynamic stems from the vibes on the first date, regardless of if it’s fake or real. By making Ele angry instead of (kinda) intimidated, it gives Edo no power over her. Without this power, Ele will not be able to be manipulated as easily. (Edo won’t manipulate her anyway, but that’s besides this point.) This change in the power dynamic lets Ele make her own decisions far more easily, without manipulation, which is crucial to a healthy relationship.

(Also, I don’t know if this was purposeful or just how it ended up. It could just be a coincidence, but it makes a big difference in my eyes.)

But now onto the actual content itself:

Like all the Williams, Edo starts by sharing his memories with Ele. Ele sees this as a tactic to try to win her over and not genuine, but this isn’t necessarily true. Yes, he is doing it to get into Ele’s favor; yes, he probably rehearsed it. But I don’t think these things are particularly bad in this situation. He doesn’t have malicious intent to manipulate or confuse Ele’s feelings, he just wants Ele to understand/like him.

Okay when Edo tries to say he didn’t force Ele? A lie. And we all know this. he blackmailed her into going on the date, and then twists things into his favor, as Ele said. But, thankfully, Ele doesn’t back down on her stance. She does not let Edo’s shitty behavior change her thinking. (I will also say that Edo is not a complete shit because he eventually does agree that he shouldn’t have texted Silvia because she would have seen it as flirting.) (Although, I’ve always thought it was really shitty how “William” thought it was okay to force “Noora” to go on a date, even if it was just honoring a deal.) Anyway, Ele was good about not giving in to Edo’s shitty-ness, which is pretty important imo. By Ele saying that she did it out of love for Silvia instead of liking Edo (and not giving a counter argument to this point), it shows that Ele is the correct one in the situation, which was not the vibe from the OG.

Ele is very sassy and amazing when saying why, exactly, Edo is a shit. And most of these are true. But when she calls him sexist, I disagree. Edo was a major fuck boy in the past, and many people would say this makes him sexist. (Personally, I would classify this behavior as sexist, but as asshole-ish, but that’s irrelevant.) However, I disagree that Edo is sexist. He head-butted a dude for calling a girl a slut. (Ele, however, still sees these actions as wrong, which will inevitably be addressed later in the season.) From a writing standpoint, I don’t think slipping that into the conversation was a coincidence. They (as in the writers) did it on purpose to show that Edo isn’t actually “sexist”, despite displaying sexist/dick-ish behavior in the past.

Now, normally, I hate when “William” compares how he insulted “Vilde” as to when “Noora” insults him, but in Edo’s situation, I understand more of where he’s coming from. The Edo/Ele insult match felt more equal to me. Ele seemed a little bit harsher/ruder and Edo seemed a little less harsh, so this comparison is understandable. I still disagree with Edo, but I understand where he’s coming from and I don’t think he’s being manipulative like William was.

And of course, the dreaded rhetoric about how one comment can’t destroy a person’s self-esteem. There are multiple things I want to address about this whole thing, but the first is that I disagree with the statement, like many people. The right well-placed words can absolutely plant seeds of doubt that spiral into annihilation of one’s confidence. Second, I think it’s important to state how Edo said it was “really difficult” to destroy someone’s confidence with one comment, not impossible. This seems pretty small and trivial, but to me it really shows how Edo is not trying to prove something. He’s not saying “this is how it is, I’m right, and you’re naïve”, he more of saying “this is just how it seems to me”. Third, I need to address how Edo thought about it before he said it. Really thought about it. He was open to discussion. He wasn’t shooting Ele down, he was talking with her. He was just trying to explain himself. Fourth (this is the biggie), I think it’s really important to recognize the context of the situation. Edo did not say anything that should have destroyed Silvia’s confidence, and it didn’t destroy her confidence. (As a refresher, Edo never said Silvia wasn’t good enough, but just asked why she was behind the boy’s bathroom.) The comment was made to make Silvia embarrassed (which is really shitty), and it worked. But it was a short-term embarrassment, not a long-term blow to her self-esteem. So, in Edo’s mind, it would make sense to say that a comment like that shouldn’t destroy someone.

Then, Edo admits it was wrong what he did. He admits that he what he did wasn’t fair to Silvia. Yeah, it was pretty half-assed, but it’s a start. He isn’t perfect, and admitting that he was wrong is a big thing. AND, he didn’t seem to say it just to make Ele like him, he actually seems to recognize that what he did was wrong (god, what a low bar…).

Again, another dreaded rhetoric. He asks Ele to look at the situation from his perspective. Cue eye roll. However I have to say that the way he said it seemed a little better. It felt less like “I’m right and you’re wrong blah blah blah” and more of “I’m not as big of an ass as you think I am”. He only wants Ele to understand where he’s coming from. He just desperately wants Ele to like him. He’s not being manipulative or anything like that. And… I understand his sentiment.

Okay, now let’s just take a long second to appreciate how he didn’t let Ele compliment him when he didn’t deserve it. You know what that is? Growth. As much as he wants Ele’s compliments and praise, he doesn’t want it if he doesn’t deserve it. Ele tries to compliment him on apologizing to Silvia, and but he calls out his behavior anyway. If he just wanted Ele to like him, he wouldn’t bring this up, but now we can see that he actually cares about being a decent person. He doesn’t want to manipulate Ele into thinking he’s a good person, he actually wants to be a better person for Ele (cue the “awwwwww”). He wants Ele to genuinely like him. He wants to actually earn her approval.

And that little “you’re right” “I know” exchange? 10/10. 1) She’s right and he should say it. 2) Gotta acknowledge his growth for admitting that he’s wrong and she’s right. 3) That was really cute (I’ve actually dreamt up this scenario before, so when it actually happened? I lost my shit, guys).

When Edo gets the call, you can see how bad he doesn’t want the date to end. He hangs up once, then apologizes for having to answer. He really just loves being around Ele, even if she’s roasting him. And obviously Ele doesn’t want the date to end either. She runs after him, being all cute and asking what’s wrong.

But then she breaks his Ele-shaped heart by asking if her debt is payed. His little “you don’t owe me anything” is just so painful. He’s just so sad that Ele doesn’t want anything to do with him, and that she only ever saw the little date as something she owed. He wants so badly to mean something to Ele. Remember, he really wants to earn her approval. He tried so hard to show her that he was a better person than he was a year ago. And this probably feels like a stab to the gut to him. After all this, Ele still doesn’t like him. The approval he wants so bad is denied. As a person who constantly seeks other people’s approval, can I just say big oof?

(TL;DR: this date seemed better imo even though the changes were actually minuscule)

((Also, I’m very sorry to those who actually read through all of this, you’re braver than any US marines. This was ridicouly long, repetitive, and unnecessary. And in the longest paragraphs possible. This was ruch a rant...oops.))

(((AND a big thanks to @skamitaliasubs for providing translations <3)))

[artjim]

Wasting My Life - A Darkiplier Essay

Hello everybody, my name is ArtJim, and I'm an elitist piece of trash when it comes to Role Play and Fan Fiction! I've seen some RP and some stories that feel out of character for my favorite villain, Darkiplier, and while I don't directly stop anyone from doing what they want, I decided to waste my Thanksgiving doing research to figure out what the Darkiplier Canon is!

To begin, what is “Darkiplier Canon”? This is defined, by me, as information we know about Darkiplier as provided by Mark whether in videos, such as A Date With Markiplier and Markiplier TV, or through his own commentary in livestreams and the recordings there of. As pure the appropriate way to be an utter nerd about this, I will be sourcing and linking the videos I used in the end of this long winded awful thing.

Our first topic of discussion is Darkiplier's Canon Powers. We are aware that Darkiplier does not obey the laws of physics, much like his counterpart, Wilford Warfstache (Mark on Darkiplier, 7:16). However this is not open to just any random power like shifting gravity or what have you. He does, however, distort reality (HORROR, 0:42). This distortion is both audible and visual in nature, creating an echoing sort of sound. His voice is distorted, and he enters the viewer's world via creaking and cracking of wood (HORROR, 0:50). This pairs with another common power of his of teleportation. Seen throughout A Date With Markiplier: FREEDOM!, Dark transports himself and the view from their starting area, to sitting at a table, to the street outside. While Mark admitted this move to the street was a “bullshit transition” (Mark on Darkiplier, 10:52), it's one of two in that video. We also are aware that Dark has the ability to sort of 'push' people's … spirits? I guess? Out of the body he is controlling. This was confirmed by Mark in his October charity livestream (I EXPLAIN EVERYTHING, 6:23:25). It is our body, Damien and Celine made sure we were aware of that when we were in the other world (Who Killed Markiplier – The Final Chapter, 5:43). This states simply that Darkiplier is not using his own body, and that the entity he is – whether an amalgamation of Celine and Damien or some dark force from the house – can inhabit any body at this point. This may be why his tag line has become 'You just need to let me in.' In a more meta sense, Darkiplier can also bleed into Mark's own gaming videos, which have nothing to do with the Egos in the first place (Don't Play This Game, 4:48). It could be implied that from his entrance in Don't Play This Game to the ending were all him, as he has also shown the ability to pose as Mark without his signature Red and Blue Aura (FREEDOM!, 1:16 to LEFT, 0:36). Instead he hides it until he deems appropriate.

Tied in with all of that, is our canon knowledge of Darkiplier's personality and drive. We are aware that he is a completely separate person from Mark himself (Mark on Darkiplier, 7:06), but admires what Mark has done and accomplished with his life (Mark on Darkiplier, 7:39). Minor note of interest, this implies that all versions of “Markiplier” have achieved, in some regard, the same success as our own Mark Fischbach, just taking it in different strides. Markiplier from Who Killed Markiplier became a stuck up ass, Markipler from A Date With Markiplier was mostly fake it 'til you make it. Darkiplier does still pretend to be Markiplier, as seen in LEFT (0:00-0:36), but his facade is more in tune with what one might consider Markiplier from Who Killed Markiplier would be, rather then the Markiplier from A Date With Markiplier. This is important as WKM!Markiplier has been more or less confirmed to be an asshole (kellyplier) while ADWM!Markiplier is an idiot (Mark on Darkiplier, 6:03). We also know that Darkiplier is not of our own reality, he bleeds in from another one (Mark on Darkiplier, 7:19). Whether we ever see him in his home reality or not is open to interpretation, thought we know at least one version of Darkiplier was created in the Who Kill Markiplier universe. He also considers that our version of Mark has 'mocked' him in “relax” (HORROR, 1:19 and Mark on Darkiplier, 4:12). What's interesting is the fact that Mark joked that “relax” was 'canon Darkiplier' and also picked and chose his dialogue for Darkiplier very carefully (Mark on Darkiplier, 3:40). This means his dialogue in A Date With Markiplier was chosen for a reason. This includes a line that always stuck out to me. “I've been waiting a long time to see you again.” (HORROR, 1:09). The implications are that Darkiplier has known and has been introduced to us before, even though A Date With Markiplier was the first official view of Darkiplier as we know him today (Mark on Darkiplier, 1:45). One might assume that this is just The Viewer, same who he took over in Who Killed Markiplier, but there has not been a confirmed answer on this, unless you go with A Date With Markiplier's 'True Ending' in MORE?, where we are revealed to be Chica (1:20). Given this was a silly end to a mostly silly choose your own adventure EXCEPT FOR the Darkiplier route, which is the only non-goofy ending of the serious, my personal opinion is that this is NOT canon in terms of Darkiplier. However, we are not the only person Darkiplier has had previous interactions with. As seen in Markiplier TV, Darkiplier is friends with and respects Warfstache (9:48). He has also been stated by Mark to be a social manipulator, getting you to trust him so he can use you however he needs (Mark on Darkiplier, 7:51). He also is well aware of his own, more or less, evil nature and how we, the viewers, would prefer Mark over him. When you end up saving Dark instead of Mark during A Date With Markiplier, when he finally reveals himself, he informs you “Oops. Wrong choice.” (LEFT, 0:42). An interesting twist where the villain is well aware that they are the villain, at least to our perspective.

As far as things that were never confirmed by Mark but were seen/observable in his videos (Which Mark stated is what he considers 'canon' (I EXPLAIN EVERYTHING, 6:21:30)), I have my own list of things that you, as a fanbase, may take if you wish. We are aware that there's a shell to Darkiplier, that will crack sometimes (Mark on Darkiplier, 9:10), but I've noticed that his aura and shell become more distorted the longer he tries to keep his composure (Seen in HORROR, from 1:32-1:39, and FREEDOM!, from 0:17 to 0:38). The effects sort of 'reset' after every burst of rage. He also is all about illusions, and while the illusion of choice has been stated to be canon (Mark on Darkiplier, 3:50), he also gives this illusion of power to the viewer, saying “Show me what you've got!” (HORROR, 2:05) when offering us our choices, as though implying we will have a chance to do... well, anything against him. He also tends to bare his teeth a lot, making a show much like a predator might (A Date With Markiplier, yes, and Markiplier TV, 9:56). While he manages to keep his shell on, which tends to be calm and sauve in nature, his base nature seems to be anger (Who Killed Markiplier – The Final Chapter, 7:59). Without anyone to fool, he already looks angry when he picks up the cane, and it only gets worse as he kicks us out of the body. An interesting tie in would be the idea that he identifies with the line 'Do you understand me? Nobody does' from Don't Play This Game. While Mark was visible for the repeated lines before that, we specifically heard the distorted dialogue and saw no Mark for these two lines. Again, however, these are all observations with no real attachment to anything Mark confirmed.

One last note, which is a possible canon but also was a joke when Mark mentioned it, is that Dark has no shadow (Mark on Darkiplier, 12:02). It was intended to explain away his editing where the shadow on one side of the screen got cut off, but he also could have linked saving Markiplier to this side. Which he didn't.

Thank you for joining me on this crazy rant. I wanted to pick apart some of the things that have been rattling around in my head. I have used this research for my own fan fiction, and I figured if anyone out there was curious, they could have their own breakdown of what Mark has given us for information. Remember, they do appreciate fanon, and this is meant to be built off of, but I really wanted to set a firm basis of what people would consider canon, so that there isn't any gray area when we see RBG Edgelord again.

Sources Used

A Date With Markiplier: HORROR - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q8eg2DypRC8

A Date With Markiplier: FREEDOM! - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5L40rXqHsSk

A Date With Markiplier: LEFT - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=veNHrGg4Gks

A Date With Markiplier: MORE? - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2URDTFdgEO8

I EXPLAIN EVERYTHING Livestream - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_760Ruvx_2s

Who Killed Markiplier? - The Final Chapter - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iDRW-lY6sQA

Don't Play This Game - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_fw-Wxd_IW0

Markiplier TV - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vq9cv3WRqbA

Mark on Darkiplier - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tMM5-HlmXt8

CANON ANSWERS ABOUT WKM - https://artjim.tumblr.com/post/166904105937/markiplier-kellyplier-canon-answers-about-wkm

[jm-ph-2-3]

The "Hustle Paradox" Part 1: Are we really working hard? or are we hard working? 

An essay by Morgan Adriano

               Disclaimer: This is just my current perspective on the "hustle culture" and it's influence on us both positive and negative. Please take this with a grain of salt. I do not consider myself as part of the "woke" people because this is just a piece about my current reflections, observations and perspective about the topic. I am not part of the so called minimalists, essentialists, nihilist, communists, stoicist, vegetarianist, crossfitits (oops) Or any -ist out there. I'm just speaking from what I recently accrued from the different perspectives (albeit meager in number) and experiences. This is not a piece in which to condemn, criticise and judge those who are in it and support the idea that we should never work hard. But rather this piece was made with the intention to take another view and challenge the message in which we have been oversaturated within culture and mass media and to promote a better mindset.  So learn what you can and apply what you must and throw what is unnecessary in the trash can. This may resonate with you and/or offend you at the same time. So................ just take a chill pill bro. Its just an opinion.                                                                                                                                       -Now you maybe thinking: "Why the title. I don't understand it. Working hard is good? right?" and so I thought. Well the title was made to look nice, coherent and "proper". But it really translates to: are we working hard for our own or our goal's sake or are we just portraying an image that make us seem like we are hard working?                                                               

Join me, as you the reader, and I both immerse ourselves in my sub-par writing skills filled with grammatical errors and sickening amount of pop-culture references and into my deep dark revealing thoughts on "HUSTLE"              

*Initiate X-files theme. Which I haven’t really watched and just heard it in different memes so... ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HQoRXhS7vlU                                                                        

We are constantly bombarded with messages (From celebrities, leaders, entrepreneurs, sports icons (Shout out to the Last Dance Documentary because that was sick), public figures etc.), podcasts, motivational youtube videos, music, movies, books and etc. on why must working hard constantly 24/7/365 (Inspired by the surfaces' song. LOL). We should wake up at 4am, sleep less because sleep is for the weak, no breaks because your opponent's winning when you take a break, slave yourself to your work, work in more and hang out less. We are so absorbed to the idea that we post stories about how hardworking we are by taking pictures of your work station or the book we just read or tweet that we working in the weekends #NoVacay #WorkHard #Hustle #GrindLife . And to be completely candid with you, I was that person that I am currently describing. So heavily invested with the idea of working hard than anybody else, sacrificing my sleep, nutrition, health and my well-being for that idea. Would flex the things I’m currently doing/working on or flex so hard about how hard I’m training that it eventually ripped my shorts in the gym (Yes, this actually happened and No, nobody was their to see it. But you know what Barney said: “Whatever you do in this life, it’s not legendary unless your friends are there to see it.” So I gotta post that *curse word* to git meh sum layks and let dem now that it happened). This is true from high school through college and through my first year working. Take it from a guy (Here comes the bragging and his big  fat obnoxious ego) who was able to get into provincial level competition in football and almost got into the country's amateur league (Having a jersey counts!!!>_<), studied in one of the prestigious schools in the country and graduated with latin honours. (And you may say to yourself: Wow what a pretentious arse.... HAHAHAHA.......... Aaaand you're right.) But if you stripped down everything, I just wanted to show everybody that I am  a "hardworker". I want them notice how hard I studied, worked, trained not for something but just for the sake for it. It was actually overcompensating for something. And I may say this cliche statement that: "No BrO, I dO iT FoR tHe lOvE Of ThE PrOCeSs nOt The AwArdS, ThE rEcoGnITioN anD thE mOnEy" (Imagine the spongebob meme please to make it more funny). I learned this the hard way and I'm still learning, to be honest. This "lie" that you (I) tell yourself (myself) can only help you go so far to the point you reach what I call the "wall" (I would like to reference the scene from Run Fat Boy Run where Simon Pegg's Character: Dennis hits this runner’s wall)(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6pttqFUviWs).                                                                                                                                                          -But this wall that I am describing is a different kind of wall. This may manifest by symptoms of pseudo burnout (I say pseudo because you are not really tired of what your doing something you love but you're tired of presenting your self as such frame/image). And yes this has been proven in the literature in a paper recently published this year (2020) by Dr. Nadir and colleagues from the Greendale Community College (Yes, this is obviously a joke: if you don’t get the reference. #sixseasonsandamovie and No, there is no published paper on said topic but I found one blog/rant and paper that “almost” discussed the topic hahaha!)

Blog/rant: https://dwighttowers.wordpress.com/2012/06/23/rant-burnout-and-pseudo-burnout/

Paper: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6587911/

             This wall can force you to either: Quit or Reframe.                          

1. Let's say you took the first one: You quit. You say: "Nah man this thing is not for me. I will go and show that I'm "hard working" at something else. You blame the field, you blame the system, you blame society. BECAUSE WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY (youtube.com/watch?v=UkhC0caZRNU)                                              

 2. Or you reframe: You reset your mind, allow yourself to become vulnerable, let your ego be destroyed, crushed, tortured, mutilated and be stripped down to its bare nakedness.(Sorry for the imagery: The ego is really a big pain in the butt. You can learn more thru the book: Ego Is The Enemy by Ryan Holiday which I highly recommend even though I haven't read HAHAHA! But it's in my "next reading list" so don't worry). You just let everything be stripped down to it's bare chassis and look what are the components that make you (What's the engine?, the tires?, the brakes? the interior?). What are you showing to the outside word? What are the driving motives? What kind of person are you? Who are you? (Please let me reference the most funniest scene in flim: Rush Hour 3 The You? Me? Him?) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OAVnOz7i-JA) Scary introspective stuff right? hahaha!                                                                                                                                                                                                  -But kidding aside, it really helps that you. Yes you! recognise it as early as now. Don't wait for anybody to calling it out for you (which rarely happens if they are with agreeable people or just really don't care about you) or worse, waiting for that wall to hit you right in the face. Don't be like me (WOW such "inspiration” )  "BEFORE". It all boils down what YOU really want in life and WHO you are living for. The praise of others? or just you? (Sheesh this sounds too guru-y)                                                                                                                                                                                 -With all this talk about how this "hustle" culture, you may think that I just hate the process or I am not committed to it or I am just ungrateful privileged brat who should keep his thoughts and ideas to himself and keep my head down and put skin in the game. So my rebuttal to that is: Okay boomer... LOL Kidding aside, I did think about that but you must understand that I WAS part of the culture of hustle. I craved to be in a library or a coffee shop with my laptop and study or researched away with a good cup of iced americano with a shot of mocha and  breve milk (Look at this entitled brat and his expensive coffee). I would run on 3-4 hours of sleep from staying up late "studying" (Actually have 3 youtube breaks- related to my field and 4-8 youtube breaks about cars, music reviews, overanalysing movies and productivity tips) (How Ironic). I would spend hours and hours doing “hard work”. But the question is was it effective? Was it helping me inch closer to my goals? We have long fetishised the idea of becoming busy just because other people are doing it or to show ourselves in a particular way.                                                                                                         -You see what I am aiming here is the issue of the heart.  What are the underlying motives of why you are doing these things. And this can be encapsulated simply by the most used cliche that I think most of you have heard in mainstream media , especially from Eric Thomas' motivational clips (Usually listened to this before work or a competition: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5XIGu3Kxg2I): HWAT IS YO WAAAI?                                     (Obviously read: Start With Why by Simon Sinek. Great book!).                                                                                                                                                      -To quote scripture from the gospel of Matthew 6:21 = "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.". This is such a crucial part of knowing yourself. I can't stress this enough for myself. Where it comes from, determines when it runs out. Whatever you put your priority in or in other words; where you put your heart in, thats what controls your joy. So whats controlling your joy?                                                                                                        -And to conclude: I myself, am not saying that working hard is inherently bad. Working hard allows us to get out of the ashes of debt, failure and pain. Working hard helped birth new inventions, innovations, great people, leaders, visionaries that inspire us to do the same. And this piece does not serve as a jail pass card to be lackadaisical slumps. And eventually you may have the audacity to blame me why you didn't get where you want or what you want in life. So please don't hahaha. 

We all have responsibilities in life. And it is something we must accept (Especially as I and probably most of you Gen Z'ers or post-millenials reading this essay enter *gulp "adulthood") [It's post-millennial or Gen Z not "millennial". C'mon cuh get yo facts straight]. We have a responsibility to our world, our nation, our society, our community, our friends, our family, ourselves. But also our future selves, family, friends, community, society, nation and world. If that doesn't give you perspective then I don't know what will. It is the matter of mindset. When you have a proper mindset plus the direction then hard work and ambition can be used as a tremendous tool for success. But if you allow your mindset to get out of whack and lose direction then hard work and ambition can consume you which will leave you stuck in a never ending race and feel unfulfilled with what you’re working on 

 -For a profound ending: Maybe this is why COVID-19 had to happen, (By the way, I am by no means downplaying the affect of this pandemic has in our lives and the lives of others. This is just a personal reflection so don't get triggered and "cancelledt" me) we have become so self-absorbed with things that don't even matter. The misguided things and narratives that we tell ourselves. Which leads us being irresponsible and unaware of the state and condition of our hearts. And hopefully, may this period may give us the opportunity to try again. To give it another go. Another crack at it.

 So before embarking on your 4 hour deep focus study/work/train/mastery session (With some "lofi hip hop radio - beats to relax/study to" blasting in the background and a aromatic cup of coffee), ask yourself?      Why?........tho.......                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Thank you again friend, for dedicating this short time of your "busy?" or "working?" day hahaha! to read this essay. I had fun writing (*Cough typing because my handwriting still sucks) this piece. Which is evident with the references hehe. Although there are some points I haven’t explored because this topic is pretty wide and controversial I bet so stay tuned for part 2 of this 2 part essay. I hope this piece resonates with you as it resonates with me and helps you become more aware and more mindful. However, if you disagree with all my sentiments, thats great! More power to you! We have to understand that everybody's circumstance is different. We live very different lives. We have very different backgrounds, ideas and experiences. We live in very different “seasons”! We learn different things in different time periods. This was maybe my time to learn this and maybe not the best time for you. Let us not fight but rather collaborate in this continuous pursuit of clarity and the navigation of this journey we are all partaking in. Please do message me if you want so we can talk and discuss more (not argue! HAHAHA) So that I may learn from you and your views as well. Cheers my friend!

[serendipei]

Nct Dream Reaction: When Yuta and Jaehyun have “The Talk™” with NCT Dream

Requested? Yup!

Summary: Yuta/Jaehyun/Yuta and Jaehyun would witness the Dream members’ outward display of affection towards you and in turn decide to prepare them for future intimacy.

Y'all this is long brace yourself. Admin Starburst helped me with most of this so it’s by both of us!!! I hope you don’t mind that I shortened the prompt anon! -admin nine and admin starburst

(In no way is this meant to sexualizes our babies, this is simply out of interest to imagine their reactions to this embarrassing topic I’m sure we’ve all had to discuss.)

Mark!

Jaehyun would find out about Mark’s new relationship when he had introduced you to the members at the NCT dorms. The two of you would be connected at the hip for the entirety of your visit, holding hands and every so often kiss each other’s cheeks. After you left, Jaehyun would try to be a responsible hyung and would sit down with Mark to have “the Talk”. Trying his best not to embarrass Mark, Jaehyun would speak rather quickly about the in’s and out’s (pun intended) of safe sex. Surprisingly, Mark would handle this talk very maturely, yet with slight remorse. Never the less, he would hold on to every word, making sure to remember how to make sex as comfortable and safe as possible if the event ever occurred. He wouldn’t have any ulterior motives other than to make these future intimate moments with you as special as possible. “So that’s actually how you ‘do it’? Ugh this is so gross why are you teaching me this…”

Renjun!

Yuta would be getting coffee at a local café for the hyung line when he spots you and Renjun laughing in one of the corner tables. Enjoying your pleasant conversation with your boyfriend, you reach your hand over the table and grab Renjun’s, putting the back of his hand to your lips and placing a soft, loving kiss upon it. When Yuta encounters Renjun back at the NCT dorms later that night, he would sit him down on his bed, and slowly explain “the birds and the bees”. Renjun’s face would light up at the realization of what was happening, and mentally agreed with himself to get out of this conversation ASAP. With his face bright red, Renjun would continuously shake his head, exclaiming “I don’t understand what you’re saying, Hyung”, quickly exit the room, and rant about his embarrassment later to Chenle. “CHENLE I CAN’T STOP BLUSHING HELPPPP! Yuta hyung won’t stop talking about dirty things aHHH.”

[ couldn’t find a good gif :(( ]

Jeno!

You and Jeno would be at the mall, shopping for Jaehyun’s birthday present while holding hands. Jaehyun would spot Jeno’s face from across the store and walk over to say hi, just within earshot of hearing what exactly you were going to get him. Knowing the surprise would be ruined if Jaehyun had heard, Jeno hurriedly pulled you into an awkward kiss, startling both you and Jaehyun. He would later drop hints about how fast Jeno and you were moving in the relationship, signaling that he would give him the baby talk soon. To avoid the long, awkward, and embarrassing talk™, Jeno would research scientific facts about sex so he could get it over with as quickly as possible. When the time finally came, Jeno would blurt as many facts as he could, as quickly as he could, and dashed out of the room. “LOWER CHOLESTEROL BOOSTS SEXUAL PERFORMANCE.”

“IF A FEMALE FERRET DOES NOT HAVE SEX FOR A YEAR, SHE WILL DIE.”

“THE MITOCHONDRIA IS THE POWERHOUSE OF THE CELL. BYE!”

Haechan!

You would be teasingly kissing Haechan in front of the NCT 127 members to try and embarrass him. When you were somehow able to pin his hands together so you could successfully kiss him, his face would suddenly turn from embarrassed to stoic, looking at you with slight wonder and affection. After a short pause, Haechan would slowly move his face towards yours hesitantly, as if he was about to kiss you, before he instead gently head-butt your forehead. To see if you were alright and make sure you weren’t mad at him, Haechan would move over to you and plant a sweet kiss on the sore area, whispering (so unintentionally loud that the other members could hear) that he loved you. When Yuta realized that you would be withHaechan for a while, he decided to prepare Haechan for a deeper relationship. Yuta had prepared a small essay to make sure he had covered all the bases about responsible sex before finally confronting Haechan. Before he could truly educate him, Haechan had laughed with a noticeable voice crack, showing his slight discomfort, and explained that Taeyong already talked with him at the beginning of his relationship. Haechan would be slightly condescending, but thankful to Yuta none the less for being a responsible “Dad”.

“HA! Who do you think I am? Jisung? Of course I know what this is, hyung. I’m a mature adult now!”

(THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE GIFS OF HIM EVEN THOUGH IT DOESN’T REALLY RELATE TO THE REACTION OOPS.)

Jaemin!

Jaemin would be gushing about how adorable you were to Jaehyun. He would rant for hours on end about how perfect and special you were to him. After their third conversation, Jaehyun would grow bored and think of a way to stop the conversation. An imaginary light bulb appeared over his head, and a small sly smile grew on him face. Interrupting Jaemin, Jaehyun began to ask if he knew about the more intimate parts of a relationship. Before Jaehyun could start talking, Jaemin would say he knew all about THAT for a number of years. With Jaehyun’s smile turning into a disappointed frown, Jaemin began the flow of his adoration once more, and continued on throughout the night.

“Hyung, I’ve known about this for years. Anyway so Y/N was so cute today…”

Chenle!

Chenle would have invited you over to the NCT dorms for a dinner and movie date. Unfortunately for him, Jaehyun and Yuta would be hidden in the kitchen, eavesdropping and occasionally butting into your conversations. When they emerged from the kitchen during your dinner date, they had discreetly witnessed your “Lady and the Tramp” moment with Chenle. Right before you could complete this romantic moment with your boyfriend, two extremely high pitched squeals echoed from inside the kitchen walls. Excitedly, after you left, Jaehyun and Yuta would drag in Renjun (from who knows where) and hastily tell him to translate everything they said. Renjun would blush profusely, shyly repeating in Chinese this intimate concept. Chenle would laugh nervously, a big awkward grin on his face. It wouldn’t be too long before Jaehyun and Yuta would talk at the same time, making translating impossible for Renjun. Instead of translating, Renjun and Chenle would talk about mundane topics, trying to erase the massive blush on both their faces.

“So uhh, how do you say ‘Get me out of here’ in Korean again, hyung?”

Jisung!

Jisung would have brought you to watch him and the NCT members’ dance practice for “Black on Black”. During one of their breaks, Jisung would play a romantic song, and invite you to a slow dance. You danced clumsily, every so often moving your foot the wrong direction and collide with his. Jisung’s loving smile would turn into embarrassment once the other members began to coo at their maknae’s cuteness. Later that week Jaehyun would show Jisung a rather detailed PowerPoint. Jisung would be so flustered that he would shut down his ears, staring at the ceiling blankly in horror. When Jaehyun asked if he understood the basics, Jisung would nod his head quickly and walk out of the room, bumping into things every so often.

“Thank you for the, uh, interesting conversation, but I think I’m just going to go now.”

[nicolesqueloquence]

So it dawned on me.. yesterday. At dawn.

That there’s this cliche little conspiracy thing for us in our mid-20’s that 25 is THE worst age, ever.

And while I can attest to 2017 so far being more ambivalent in its extent of BS compared to others (2009, 2012, 2015?!!?!?)….

I have to say that I agree, and I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel with 26.

Suddenly I saw the last ten years weave itself around my mind, counting all of the victories and tragedies and it made way too much sense.

Of course I’m lost right now, as any child byproduct of the dysfunctional American household is going to be. I’m a fucking millennial inheriting nothing but a broken economy and a bullseye painted on my back for everything from financial ruin, emotional self-destruction, and potential kidnapping to a terrorist attack, psychopath killer from my past, and potential Armageddon as we may know it soon.

I think, a lot of other people would feel pretty fucking lost, anxious, and depressed too.

And for the most part, I don’t feel that bad. Maybe it’s my meds zombifying me, maybe it’s just blind optimism because I’ve been too drained of the energy to feel anything stronger than that, or maybe since everything passes- that includes all the negative stuff too.

But I’m fine. I’m on my way to better. I’m almost there. For the first time, I kinda feel it.

26 sounds like a paradise, in fact. And I’m one that HATES getting older. HATES my birthday. I break down. I relapse. I turn into a human tornado of self-destruction. It’s bad, like Marilyn Monroe level of bad.

But not this year. I’m building an empire for myself, just like I have for the past ten years even if I keep breaking it down like the U.S. did to their own towers (oops).

What I did for myself in the midst of all the chaos and ruin was established myself as a writer. I found my words, or they found me, and then they found themselves on paper. Whether it was some mediocre essay project that my teachers inevitably A’d and hailed me for, or my Dragonball Z fanfiction that I still fuck with but with a lot of intermittent adult absences due to my grown up writer’s block from all the imagination that’s left me in my dry and cynical 20’s.

I also got published in both UNLV and my high school’s newspapers. Luckily these are the first things to come up with a google of my full name, and not any mug shots or crazy things like that because those things can stay in the MF past okay.

This is all while my parents divorced, my mom dated and remarried, and I got exiled to my dad’s place all the way across town to another high school- effectively killing the dead end that way my destructive social life at the other school, which was somewhat of a great thing and a terrible thing. I didn’t have people fueling my already turbulent home life with more drugs and alcohol, but then I didn’t have anybody at all either unless they existed in the chat room I dominated as a teenager.

Ahhhh, yes. I will always be proud of such a minuscule feat, with my social anxiety establishing itself and all, because I came up with the MOST LIT AF nicknames. Nikkachu, VenerealCereal, and my very first, Lovily_Lili17- my daughter’s name that I discovered at 13.

Oh yeah. That too. READING. I couldn’t stop. I was addicted to those huge adult novellas like Lace, Where the Heart Is, and anything Stephen King once I had my way with R.L. Stine and his many endeavors to placate his teen base.

Wow. The nostalgia. I can’t.

I still have almost every book from that era. I went and bought a ton of them off of Amazon, but I’ll have to replace some that arrived less than the library form that I originally read them in. I can’t do paperback, they’re much too small.

But that library smell.. My favourite is the one by my mother’s house, where I looked down at my Converse at 12 years old and realized that I was becoming a woman already.

HAHA. Seriously. 12. A woman. Okay.

That moment was just me feeling myself because I had a lot of older male fans that I’m quite sure held a rap sheet for child-related sex crimes, okay.

In that moment, I felt sheer power. My dying self-esteem that had wilted from years of verbal abuse and a total lack of male attention minus that of bullying was suddenly blossoming from the attention I would get from old men. It was exhilarating, and just as addictive as anything else I decided to get my all too curious hands on for the next decade.

At the end of this decade though, I can say I’m no longer phased by it. I get all kinds of attention now, and it’s more of a burden than it sounds like I’m making it. It comes from guys with whole entire relationships waiting for them at home and at work, guys who have kids already (ew), or guys I’m just not into. Period.

So I have a drought of a love life, but I knew this was coming once I recycled my ex’s as much as I could without anyone getting killed. It came close… LOL, but we’re all okay and we’re all separated thank God.

Everybody went their own way to something better, hopefully. Moreso hopefully for me once this drought is over and I can stop losing sleep with all of the PTSD I’ve mustered through the years with all the nightmarish shit I’ve put myself through.

I really went through the ringer, especially my early 20’s. Before I could even legally drink, I had charges. But that’s the territory, right? Being a human Tasmanian devil will do that to you. Having the most unstable self-image will put out a red flag to society that you are disposable, trouble, a force to be reckoned with, etc. So I don’t recommend it.

I’ve really calmed down though. Especially in the past few weeks. Normally after an event like the one I just suffered, I’d be halfway back to my early grave again just like countless times before. But I’m actually way more okay sooner than I thought. It only took a good 3 or 4-day binge of unhealthy, toxic, and intoxicating substances for me to snap into a depression and then somehow snap out of it completely averse to that stuff.

That’s how you know you’re adulting, when life knocks you over for the thousandth time and you just… lay there.

And I type all of this with a huge grin on my face, because it’s great. I can enjoy being sober and feeling like shit at the same time. I can enjoy going to the store at almost 11 o’clock at night for bagel bites and taquitos and feel accomplished for leaving my apartment for all of twenty minutes. I can enjoy binging YouTube, laughing at memes, and obsessing over current event stories in my favourite forum message board places.

So, I’ve moved into my phone. Big deal. My dopamine receptors have to be stimulated by something other than the sun blinding me through my window.

I will say I am neglecting the Tindr app for my own sanity. I think last time I tried to venture it, I got a really fussy man-baby throwing a fit over my very delayed and very mundane response. Okay. That was that, then.

I have a feeling that I can’t rely on electronics for this one. It’s going to have to be some sort of divine intervention to get my love life back on track. I really won’t settle for less, either, because we don’t have the technology advanced enough yet to weed out the assholes, the fuckboys, and the lazy have-nots that I simply can’t build anything with.

There’s always med school. Some very savvy ladies attend just so they can enter the meat market of medicine and date an up and coming doctor. I know I would. Medical terms during foreplay? Needles and a papoose during roleplay? Hell yes.

Okay maybe not anything with phlebotomy but you catch my drift. I think overall, even if they don’t share all the same quirky interests of mine, I would just want someone who is in love with me and stays in love with me. Even if I can’t stay in love with myself.

But I’m trying. This is me trying. This is me giving myself a fucking break because the last ten years have kinda sucked, right? On and off. Sure. But it doesn’t matter. All of the friendships, the relationships, the scandals, the stories.. My God, do I have a story.

I want to publish it, but not in its raw form of pure sugar and salt just piled up in the middle of the table. I want it to be in the form of fiction, set in outer space, in the dark corners of an emotionally dysregulated teenage girl’s mind…

Yep. I got the ideas spinning in my head and everything, it just won’t form a tangible shape.

And it won’t make any money because I’m fucking insane and no one will get it: the big picture, the metaphor, what actually went down.

So I have to make it make money and make sense. Two very difficult things in a day and age where something as basic as Fifty Shades of Grey is hailed as top-notch. Wtf.

At least Twilight is over, thankfully.

And finally my last contribution to this planet and this life of mine in the past ten years is…

BUTTONS.

Yes, my cat. Why?

Because I adopted the most beautiful, loving, playful, and stubborn salt-loving creature on this planet.

So even if I died right here, today, this second.. I will have known true, unconditional love just because of him.

And even if it’s single chick cliche AF… I adore him to death.

So there’s that.

Looking forward to the next 6 months coming and going by so I can be a whole year older, and a whole lot wiser with a lot more laidback to me than before.

But so far, enjoying the ride at 25… (and a half).

Thanks for reading a random rant of mine again! :)

Nostalgic ramblings & revelations about being 25.5 on the way to 26, and much much better. So it dawned on me.. yesterday. At dawn. That there's this cliche little conspiracy thing for us in our mid-20's that 25 is THE worst age, ever.

[saltybiowarefantears]

One piece for the fandom meme

I’ve been waiting for someone to ask me this one. This is what I get for having a mixed fandom personal blog. This will all be referring to One Piece as an anime rather than a manga. Again, with all the others, don’t be a dick to me or anyone else if we don’t agree on the same things. This isn’t specifically addressed to the asker, but to anyone who decides to come and cause shit with me or any of my followers. I will punt you so far your clothes will burn up on reentry into the atmosphere. If you want to have a discussion about any of my answers I’m more than happy to talk to you!

the first character i ever fell in love with: Mah boi Roronoa Zoro. Ok so 1) badass swordsman is a type I cannot avoid apparently, 2) I watched the show dubbed first, which means Chris Sabat, which meant insta-fave, and 3) even though he’s a total badass, he’s also a total dork (please refer to Syrup Village ‘We ate your captain’ and attempting to climb the hill with his swords).

a character that i used to love/like, but now do not: One Piece has the exact opposite problem on me. The more I watch and absorb, my love of the characters only grows. Also there (pretty sure I can say) hundreds of characters to consider for each of these questions. Kizaru? Maybe? I don’t dislike him right now, but I was a big fan when he first showed up. Now though he’s kind of ventured into neutral territory.

a ship that i used to love/like, but now do not: Luffy/Hancock. At the end of the timeskip I wondered if they got randomly married because Luffy has no fucking clue what’s going on at any moment in time, a la Dragonball with Chichi and Goku. I thought they were pretty cute for a while there. If Oda does go through with them marrying at the end (and handles it well) I won’t be upset, but I won’t be pleased either.

my ultimate favorite character™: *looks at all of my children* No. I’ve said it once before, the very most I can do is a three-way tie for If-I-had-a-gun-pointed-at-my-head-I’d-pick-them ranking. In that case, it’d be Zoro, Luffy, and Law. I love all of them though. I am a mother hen and they are my varied, dysfunctional children.

prettiest character: Robin. I prefer pre-timeskip, but she’s forever the most gorgeous. The only other person who comes close is her mother. I actually based a lot of my characters around her physical characteristics because I loved the look so much.

my most hated character: Blackbeard, King of the Fuckfaces, the head of the Fuckface Holy Trinity. I’m not typically a vicious person towards villains, but he deserves to die the most horrible, painful, infinite suffering death that Oda can conceive. This is, of course, only after being repeatedly punched by every Whitebeard pirate, Luffy, and Sabo.

my OTP: You mean the ship that has officially consumed my soul and taken over my life? I don’t know what you’re talking about… *eyes the several LawLu gifs in my drafts and almost literal volumes of discussions about them with Rachel*

my NOTP: Keep any Doflamingo/Law or ASL ships out of my waters, and we’ll be good. You shove that in my face and we WILL have problems.

favorite episode: It’s a tie between 505 and 522 (or any of the crew reveal episodes). The first one because Luffy’s love for his friends and crew and theirs for him literally pulled him back from insanity and unending suffering. That means SO MUCH TO ME. Also Jinbei’s quote of ‘What’s gone is gone, you have to ask yourself what remains’ is still one of my favorite inspirational quotes. The second one because MY CHILDREN. They finally get to be together again and it puts a big fat piece of gauze right over the seeping wound that is Summit War and the timeskip. Of course, these are my two favorite happy or inspirational episodes. 405 fucked me up hardcore because I was not expecting that particular outcome. My slack jawed disbelief will forever stay with me.

saddest death: 

The most dreaded One Piece ask. I’ll guarantee about 99% of the fandom will have the same answer. 

Need I say more? Because I won’t. That shit is repressed. Fun fact, it was spoiled for me by a random YouTube comment on one of the soundtrack videos. Up until the specific episode I wasn’t sure it was a troll or not. My second watch though it fucked me up beyond reason. I have never cried so hard at a show before or since. That’s a phrase I use a lot for One Piece by the way. It has had such a profound effect on me in such previously inconceivable ways. It’s the curse of One Piece, though, that no one will believe you about it being that good or life changing. Anyway… rant on that over, I would like to add Corazon to the list. We’re ranking this bad boy by sheer volume of tears cried, and I think that one comes pretty close for me. Watching it after bingeing most of that portion of Dressrosa and being 4 in the morning probably didn’t help my reaction.

favorite season:It hurts to say, but Summit War. Everything from the end of the Archipelago up to the reunion (I’d count that if I could) is some of the best media I have ever experience in my entire life. No joke or exaggeration. It changed me for better or worse. Workshops should be done on the writing. Nothing has come close to touching it for me in anything before or since.

least favorite season: Probably Thriller Bark. Earlier I would have said Fishman Island, but watching it with Rachel changed my perspective on it. Thriller Bark was ok? I liked the spoopy Halloween theme and such, but I’m not a huge fan of any of the island antagonists (and I’m very antagonist driven in terms of whether or not I like an arc, which is why I still don’t really like Fishman Island). The ending of it though with Kuma was PHENOMENAL. Some of my favorite scenes are from that period.

character that everyone else in the fandom loves, but i hate: Ok… I have had MANY discussions about this. I’ve been meaning to write a mini-essay/analysis on the subject, but I’ll have to make something concise and coherent here. I have an issue with only one character like this, and that’s Vivi. Cue the gasped screaming of the fans. Before anyone blows a gasket, let me explain my reasoning. So sit down, shut up, and join me for this ride. Let’s start at the beginning with my initial, first watch impression of Vivi. She was fine, I wasn’t a huge fan because she seemed really bland in comparison to the other characters. Then the desert sequence happened with the ‘Oh I forgot to tell you about this thing you should have known’ moments. That put my teeth on edge. Then her unwillingness to sacrifice anything other than herself in order to save her kingdom. Ok, I get it, she’s 16 and doesn’t want anyone to die, but by this point she should have at least realized that the Straw Hats are loyal to her and volunteering to aid her. Alubarna happened and I fucking lost it with her. Her plan to blow up the palace, constantly falling and crying while on a serious time crunch, and her somehow not considering the clock tower as a location until it was literally too late were my last straws. These isolated issues just puts her in my neutral territory. There are two other factors that push her into me constantly not having to go apeshit around her: the other princesses and the fandom. To save time, I’ll summarize that I feel like the other princesses put Vivi to shame in terms of admirable features. Every last one of them managed to shove aside their emotions, stop crying, pull themselves up, and intelligently problem solve the situation. Vivi’s character is an excellent example of telling and not showing. Everyone constantly says she’s brave, but she never quite shows she’s brave. Yes, she’s brave to have gone into Baroque Works and to try and solve her country’s problems, but in comparison to the others she really isn’t that brave. Which leads me into the problem with the fandom’s portrayal of her. As you can already tell, I’m not a huge fan of her for some very specific reasons, especially her blandness and Mary Sue like qualities. While talking about this with someone, they mentioned that she seems to be kind of a fill character in terms of ‘Well Robin isn’t here, so Vivi has to say this thing Robin would normally say’, which lends her to a very inconsistent character. Me writing this is the only time I have ever seen anyone ever make any sort of negative comment about her. She is Saint Vivi who can and does no wrong. There are critiques of pretty much every other character except her. The fandom constantly applauds her for even the tiniest things while ignoring every single thing she did wrong. No one holds her accountable for her actions. And that, to me, is a writing sin. I can write you oodles about every character, even the ones I love with all my heart. Each character is flawed, which is what makes them great characters. Vivi is portrayed as this paragon of perfection, which she very much is not. She did wrong, she messed up several times, she’s not perfect. If any person or character actually called her out for it, I’d have less of a problem. For the time being though it’s this festering bitterness towards her and the fandom’s treatment for her. (Also the people who slam Rebecca in order to pull Vivi up higher… oh boy… we gonna have some fucking words.) Looks like I failed on making this short. Oops. I just have too many thoughts about this subject to be too concise.

my ‘you’re piece of trash, but you’re still a fave’ fave: Doflamingo, King of the Garbage. All hail the deliciously sadistic asshole.

my ‘beautiful cinnamon roll who deserves better than this’ fave: ALL OF THE STRAWHATS AND THE ASL BROTHERS AND LAW. I’m emotional about this, can you tell? All of my kids deserve the pinnacle of happiness without any of that terrible shit happening to them. I want to wrap them all up in blankets and shove delicious hot beverages at them.

my ‘this ship is wrong, nasty, and makes me want to cleanse my soul, but i still love it’ ship: Either Kid/Law or Doflamingo/Crocodile. I don’t love either of them per se, but I am here for it. I don’t ship it, but I greatly enjoy watching other people ship it.

my ‘they’re kind of cute, and i lowkey ship them, but i’m not too invested’ ship’: One Piece is the ultimate shipping sandbox, which makes this really hard. Most of the ships in it I politely wave at as they float by while I chug along in my huge fuckoff cruiseliner with slapped together tug boat in tow. Either I’m invested in the ship or I’m not. There’s no ‘lowkey’ in One Piece. TLDR: too many ships that fit the category of ‘I like this ship, but it’s not my ship’.

Send me a fandom and I’ll answer these questions!

[marculees]

good luck on your essay!! as an aries moon I was wondering how do you manage with impulsive emotions lol

Ahh thanks! like jfc plot twists) and my search history is going to need a big clean sweep once I’m finished with it because I’m pretty sure the FBI agent is concerned for my actual health now oops >.

And I’ve never found any other Aries Moons so it’s great to hear you’re one too! I have a Cancer Mercury also which makes the emotions part even worse since I take criticism personally ew. Aries Moons are usually upfront about their emotions which shouldn’t be seen as a bad thing tbh, it’s just like you said, the keeping it under control part can be tough. I will admit that I do give the silent treatment when I am upset with someone because I know I’ll say something I don’t mean if I don’t shut up and I’m too soft to want actually hurt anyone, especially if I truly care about them. I’m more of a defensive than an offensive, if you get me. I don’t think that’s probably the best thing to do as silence can annoy some people even more, but I don’t like to be that b*tch who brings up something completely irrelevant for the sake of making them feel bad? 

How I usually deal with intense/impulsive emotions is a bit nerdy but it really helps me: writing. Just writing down the problem can make it feel so less overwhelming tbh. Have a good cry while you’re at it lol. And if you’re a bit creative, you can even write a little scene or poem out of it. I find the scenes can actually be beneficial to not only understanding yourself but the other person/problem also! Gives you like a different perspective, if you get me. I was arguing with a friend a while back and so I decided to write a similar scenario between two OCs when we weren’t talking for a few hours (yes, it really was only that long but still). Reading it, I was able to identify the underlying issues because I was an outsider? Idk how to describe it, but like try to have an objective and analytical point of view. It’s not easy and takes practice (and I’m still working on it!) but it can deffo help. If you decide to plain write out how you’re feeling about an issue, you can read it and pick out parts you might have been exaggerating, overreacting to or not even noticed (which I know I definitely do oops). I did this when I was in my previous relationship because I was so frustrated and upset, and then reading back I was able to spot what was wrong straight away. Ironically, it was proper communication as I never really spoke up when I was feeling uncomfortable or nervous and neither did he when he wasn’t happy. Reading this very message/reply, you might even notice that trend with me, in which case congrats because that’s what this method is all about. ~Reading quite literally between the lines~

*Side note though: when it comes to my loved ones getting hurt, especially my sister, then I have no control whatesoever lol. Same goes for strangers. I’ve gotten into physical fights for other people, but never for myself ^^’

No idea if that really answered your question oops, but I tried my best haha. Please feel free to send any more asks or to use my inbox as your rant space to clear your head and it may even help you then ^-^

[survivedeadsea]

John’s Jury Questions

Hello final 2!! Congrats on making it to the spot that all of us ultimately wanted to make it to. Usually when I end up on the jury I am bitter and set on my vote. This time around I have the unique experience of having the two people I worked the closest with in the final 2. Alex, you and I bonded the very first night and I knew I could trust you when you immediately tried to give me the extra vote we all received LOL. After going on calls and talking every day our friendship became very sincere. We always knew we were on the bottom of something, and we continued to play from the bottom once the merge hit. You're a beast and it was amazing to get to know you. Despite what the jury may have to say to you, I know you are not a hateful person. Luke, you and I also bonded from the beginning of the game in LOHM and then our mess of a swapped tribe. We had some amazing times of you falling asleep without voting and struggling to keep ourselves alive and I was ready to be loyal to you. When we merged you did tell me about the big alliance and we got to work with each other without technically being on the same side. It was messy and we lied to each other a lot, but when it came down to it I was not going to make a move against you. I am not bitter that you voted me out anymore, still love you and am proud of you for making it to the end despite humiliating me by MAKING ME PLAY TETRIS AKDBSOSH.

So that was kinda just a rant but whatever I have a few questions for both of you. 1. Forget big moves. What subtle moves would you say you made to get yourself here? 2. Please write a 5 paragraph essay on why you love me ty

Alex’s Response:

John, I bonded with you in this game like no other and this is a friendship I'm holding very dear. I never found myself in a situation where I'm willing to risk my own chances to win a game so a friend of mine can win, and that was a feeling I had throughout this entire game. You deserved it way more than me, and the only thing standing in your way was that tiebreaker challenge. A few years ago I won a game almost unanimously after winning a tiebreaker at final 4, and by that time I sucked at flash games. It took me years to get better and figure out strategies to do them more effectively, but this is an important part of ORGs. I just want to say, you will definitely win Survivor games in the future, don't let this experience make you have any doubts about yourself or your ability to win challenges.

 To your questions:

 1. I think my most effective subtle move was faking my long idol hunt at final 8. Immediately after I did that, Jay messaged me asking "how was the puzzle?". She openly said the round after she's certain I have an idol, another round later Ruthie asked me directly if I have an idol. I have no doubt that this move worked and created the perception that I found one, however I still consider it a subtle move because it didn't have a big impact on the game in retrospect.

You did find an idol right after, but nobody even paid attention to the fact you were gone for two hours because everyone were so focused on me. So in a way, this move helped you hide your idol too.

 2. I'd expect no other question from you <3 I think you know most of the reasons already but I'll try to surprise you anyway ;)

 Well, where do I begin?

What probably sets you apart the most from other people I've worked and bonded with in ORGs, is the fact you're American. It might sound like the most trivial and irrelevant thing ever, but for someone like me who isn't a native English speaker and has little to no clue about how life in the states are, it is very difficult to find Americans relatable. I always try to initiate conversations that go beyond geographical and cultural boundaries to connect with people, and while I've been able to do it pretty easily with Europeans (non-UK) and Asians, Americans have always been a tough cookie. It's a huge hurdle if you want to establish a strong social game in a predominantly American community of players, and the fact that it played no role whatsoever in my relationship with you is an evidence to how open and flexible you can be with people from different backgrounds.

 Your other best asset in my opinion is your sense of humor, lightheartedness and goofiness. You always had some funny story for every situation which you weren't embarrassed to share, you cared very little what other people might think about you, you never held grudges against anyone or seemed to have any strong negative feelings despite the many frustrating situations this game has faced you with. This carefree and mature attitude was easily charming, and it made me want you to stick around no matter what, because the game would not have been fun at all if you weren't here.

 Lastly, and most importantly, you gave me what most people I met in this game didn't give me – a chance. And I know, some of them are saying now that they actually wanted to work with me, but it was me who isolated myself and mistreated them. I think you more than anyone know the truth, how badly I tried to socialize with people and how poorly were these attempts often received, because you had more or less the same experience (you just have more patience than me I guess).

You always said "yes, it's like that. These people are hard to talk to, I know what you're talking about". I think I had pretty good awareness of how much each person cared about me or was willing to put effort with me, my expectations were different. I've played in communities where the social game is different, and it was comforting to have you reassure me of my perspectives, even though you thought I'm a newbie.

Luke’s Response: 

Ahhhh! I'm sorry for making you play Tetris, I'm sure you definitely hate that game now thanks to me so I truly am sorry! Okay so your first question asks about the subtle moves that I made that helped me get to the end. I'm not entirely sure that I made all that many "subtle" moves rather than just sit back and observe what was going on in the tribes that I was placed on and who was friends with him. A subtle move that I did make was telling you and Sam to vote for me during the round that I played my idol so that the other players (Ruthie, Zach and Nicholas) had no suspicions about us coming into the merge. I really think that this helped you and I especially because people didn't put his together as two people that were ever working together which is why I think you were left out of the alliance that was formed at the beginning of the merge. People assumed I was on the outs thanks to that one move.

My Essay of Love for John Coffey by Luke Blackmore: Wow....John Coffey and I first met at the beginning of Dead Sea. I knew immediately that I wanted to align with you because of your friendship with my loving wife and cat mom, Amanda Dandelion Cappuccino (I'm still feeling the repercussions from her about voting you out!). You added me on Facebook mid-way through this game and became my 727th friend which is a big milestone because 727 AKA 7/27 AKA Fifth Harmony's iconic album is my favourite thing. Working together in this game with you was incredible because we worked really well together which is good because when I inevitably propose to you when I get drunk next week, at least you know we'll be able to work together well ;). I'm totally kidding...unless of course you want to get married because in that case I'm on my way. I've never been really good at writing essays, evidenced by the fact that I've been putting off doing one for around a month now but oops, I have plenty of time to do that, this essay is more important.

I could rant for hours and hours about your eyes...or your hair...or your face...or your...coffey cakes (heh) but you already know that you're pretty so let's turn our attention to your love of dancing around and singing on Snapchat because honestly? My entertainment. You told the tribe one day that you were listening to a Swedish (i think?) boy band and you didn't understand the words to the song but it was still a bop and that you'd been dancing around to it all day and I thought to myself "huh...that is such a John Coffey thing to do, what a wonderful man"! I think you're purely an incredible person and I'm really glad we met in this game. I love that this is basically just a chance to kiss your ass and boost your ego so I hope I did a good job hehe. Much love!