#this is just for fun and im v open to other interpretations!

[unproduciblesmackdown]

yea.... 😭😭😭

now my logical followup is rewatching rogue one for the first time since seeing it (multiple times) in theaters i believe? Will i cry a lot, which i am always prone to do w/media & things but all the more so lately, it seems

[ringneckedpheasant]

Hi! I saw your Bible post and if you're interested in doing this, I have a few things you could look into/do which might make the process easier if you have trauma/want to approach it like a set of myths/historical document! I studied theology and religion at uni (particularly queer and eco theology) and came at it from a non-christian angle. Anyway feel free to delete this ask if it's not useful/too much etc. I just thought I'd give some ideas!

Yale has a series of online free lectures on the Old Testament which are super interesting and don't assume any faith! They go into the various myths which inspired the various stories in the bible (such as the flood), and the history of particular parts of the old testament library (they also have one for the new testament but I haven't watched it so don't know how good it is)

Look into apocrypha! The Nag Hammai scriptures, the gospel of Judas etc. Might actually be super interesting to you if you like the myth/history aspect! They're the books which were de-classified as canon (or never were canon), but all were written super early (2nd century) I specifically recommend the Gospel of Mary Magdalene and the Gospel of Judas. "Lost scriptures" by Ehrman is a great laymans book explaining the histories/controversies around this and even goes into the controversies surrounding the secret gospel of Mark aka the gospel where Jesus seems to have gay sex. (Ehrman writes a lot of good layman books on the bible which might be worth looking at!)

If you're looking at the NT maybe look at books like Jesus the Jew by Geza Vermes or The Crucified God by moltmamn. They're a bit specialised but it is SUPER important to modern historical studies of jesus to situate him as a Jew because that is who he was! Also Moltmamns book is v leftist and not fundamentalist.

"And man created God" by Selina O'Grady goes into detail about all the OTHER religions around during the 1st century (emperor cults etc.) Which is great for context for the gospels and also learning about cool religious traditions around in the 1st century!

Queer theology? Maybe? Might be fun for ya? Queer readings of the Bible are abundant from Ruth, Judas, David and Jonathan and jesus and there's quite a few books on them (I'm not dropping any here because I've read some Intense Theological Ones which Im not sure would appeal but if you Google you will find)

Look into Song of Songs the Official Sex is Good and Holy Book in the bible! (It's also just beautifully written)

Looking at things like "the Muslim Jesus" might also be interesting? Little collections of how Islam has viewed/interpreted Judaism and Christianity and why is always interesting and often another angle on those myths/historical documents

I'm sure other people could give you more ideas/ways to approach! I approached from a non religious angle but my institution was firmly situated in the Christian tradition so is slightly biased that way. But anyway! I just thought I'd give some starting points you could look at on the myth/history angle?

Have a lovely day!

I AM LOOKING??!!?? gd this is EXACTLY what I didn’t know I needed, all of this sounds very up my alley & like it’ll be great for what I’d be trying to get out of it. like. I have gone from “this is a thing I’ve been idly thinking about” to “this is a thing I could reasonably do and where I could start”!

I’ve done a little bit of looking into queer readings of things in the past (particularly david & jonathan) but then I had a years-long period that I technically still haven’t gotten out of where I physically could not bring myself to open a bible so I haven’t tried to actually read those stories myself while keeping a queer perspective in mind. also have had more years of lit classes that I dropped out of halfway through the semester so I have slightly more knowledge of how to dissect and analyze Texts than I used to

[joysmercer]

misc six observations:

the pantages is the most gorgeous theater i’ve ever been in (not that i’ve been in many but u know)

it’s also along the walk of fame and kirsten chenoweth’s star is right by the door (lena horne's is just across the street)

they didn’t advertise my show as accessible but it was open-captioned and asl-interpreted (but it looks like both things were only viewable to ppl seated on the left side)

an old couple next to me were trying to figure out which “chopin composition” the pre-show music was? (they’re all piano covers of pop songs) v confused

the “queen bios” in the playbill list aragon’s interests as “religion, sewing, dancing, and a bit more religion”, boleyn’s says she’s remembered for “headlessness”. parr’s talks about her friendship w mary and that her mom was LIW to some previous wives, but makes no mention of the fact that aragon was her godmother(/namesake) or that she married seymour’s brother

the minute greensleeves started playing, people started cheering. it was so fun

khaila was born to play aragon that's all im saying. literally nonstop applause until the dluh intro

storm's boleyn tiptoed that line between "idk what's going on" and "smart and cunning" so so well

cleves did the ponytail-pull instead of seymour? idk if this is a recent change but it has Interesting implications characterization-wise lmao also it was just funny because olivia had to significantly reach up to get to courtney's hair

speaking of which, both nat and cmack's new wigs look a lot fancier than their old ones somehow

im pretty sure nmp actually started crying during hos (which, even though i've heard her sing it a million times, was every bit as beautiful as i thought it would be)

hoh live is an Experience in the best way, they just looked like they were having the best time bouncing around the stage

the audience member picked for get down was so good/confident olivia cheered for her the entire time instead of doing the "this is my song" bit after shfghjkl

get down is already such a lively song but olivia's version amps it up even more like i was in stitches during the intro and the entire audience was fired up by the end

the k-howard roast didnt get as many laughs as it should've :// i felt so bad for courtney because she delivered those lines flawlessly

and then loud and immediate applause after aywd??? L audience tbh

(also interesting note – the asl interpreter didn’t sign for applause after the song like she did for all the others)

natalie's "I DIED" was every bit as amazing as all the audios. also she basically chased khaila offstage while saying that line sdkf

i think gabriela is my new favorite parr im so obsessed w her take on idnyl and her acting (even in the background) is impeccable

there were some obvious mic issues – both cmack and storm were a bit quieter than everyone else and khaila was way louder; all three of them left the stage at various points for unknown reasons (but there wasn't a show stop and i dont think most people noticed someone missing)

this cast's chemistry was i n s a n e like the little interactions and they way they reacted to each other plus the harmonies…10/10 no notes

speaking of which. there was a really sweet moment toward the end of idnyl ("why should i tell that story?") where aragon puts her hand on howard's knee comfortingly

standing ovation after six!!! idk if this is a regular occurrence but they bowed an extra time because of all the clapping lol

except then people started leaving, so courtney had to start the megasix early and you could barely hear her over the audience

but it was ok cuz people stayed on their feet throughout the megasix too and again the girls took a really long time leaving the stage after bc the cheers kept getting louder!!!

tldr i had the BEST time and if the tickets weren’t so expensive id go again and again <3

[kiwibirdlafayette]

hellooo!

you know something that interests me so much, is how Jordan’s perspective is unreliable. Just by the nature of him having an edited pov makes him an unreliable narrator to the audience.

The best example I have of this is why capsize thought they were together. In his pov it comes out of left field, like it makes no sense that she would consider that. But if you go to Tom’s episode, you can see that she literally thinks that because Tom says in chat that him and Jordan are fucking. Like, honestly the comparison of Jordan’s “Girl Problems” ep and Tom’s 81st episode is the best example of that because it frames Capsizes character in a certain light depending on who you watch and because people will usually only watch Jordan’s (because it’s shorter) then it’s a bit of a one sided view.

And I bet you there are season 2 examples but I’d have to rewatch it from someone else’s perspective first before I give an example.

YESSSS NO YEAH EXACTLYY

The unreliable narrator of Jordan's POV is really super interesting because actually like!! you could lore wise outside the meta of edited content ooc interpret it as an intentionally crafted story, where ye!! The whole bit about capsize thinkin thems boyos were together without the context of Tom's comment (which I gen only caught bc I paused Jordan's ep to read the chat when he opened it) makes her out to be a completely different person versus if ya saw it in Tom's POV- in the sense of her to Jordan trying to deflect away from a supposed truth versus her just obvs playin off what Tom was together and them zombiecaptains bein silly

In a way, if ya follow the headcanon from DSMP that chat is personified as an in-universe entity of sorts around the character (like Ranboo's ender particles, the voices of the Blood god to Techno, or Phil's crows); like Jordan got little sparkles floating around him only he can see/hear, the fact that we only see bits of his POV could be like him trying to appeal to them (aka them rampant shippers- show his dynamic with Capsize as they expect which is what leads to the inconsistency in her character) As he goes on he starts to learn to ignore them and just roll how he rolls

(in all honesty i like to abide by the headcanon that the whole "im in love w/ capsize" shenanigans was actually cJordan's dumbass way of deflecting off not wantin to admit he was in love with cTom and was egged on by chat but thats a ramble for another day LMAO)

Also!! thats so true too like I havent watched any other S2 POVs but we kinda actually see it in Isles a lil 👀 Ive been hoppin back n forth between Tom and Jordan's povs for fun during my watchthrough where while the edited v. uncut has been flipped, while you can see all of Tom and Karl's shenanigans uncut in Jord's POV, it still doesnt make any sense the motivations for stuff like him joining Team Ianite unless u can see those interactions he has privately with Dianite (who is also so two totally different people between the two povs). But whats interesting is how like Isle!Tom's kind of unreliable narrator is different in nature from S1!Jordan, where its like the intent between the kind of story either is trying to tell has different motivation behind it ig? ye :D ty for this brainrot btw note I Will put lore to everything and. yeah anyhoozers

[iphisesque]

jjk anon, and its great!! I think i read it too fast the first time, so i'm doing a re-read a lot slower (and i want to pay more attention to kenjaku this time round). Of the fan interpretations on tumblr, im definitely partial to the fucked up gothicness thats happening here, I think sukuna should be allowed to whatever he wants because he's funny about it,

gojo could do the family and jonestown but wouldn't because the first is genuinely too pathetic even for him and he wouldn't kill himself for the second (but he might do the mass suicides for fun). I do think there's a bit of shoko asahara in his character design (blind cult leader who "had" powers beyond the normal human, like come on), and i sometimes think i misread the part where gojo kills the entirety of the sorcerer government command structure except for the principal because no one talks about it,

omg yay, im so glad to hear that! a reread is absolutely in order, i enjoyed the story so much more on my second read and im honestly due for a third. sukuna really is such a fun character, he really has grown on me so much even though i don't post about him a lot, the whole sukuna-uraume-kenjaku trio is such a great dynamic and in my reread i appreciated his relationship with megumi so much more (in an ideal world jjk is megumi's liberation-corruption arc as he unshackles himself from gojo and joins sukuna to get his revenge).

gojo COULD do jonestown but he would resurrect himself immediately after killing himself and be mildly upset that none of the other cult members had an awakening on death's door like he did as a teenager. now that you mention it he IS very reminiscent of shoko asahara, at least in personality, and knowing akutami is in his 20s to at most early 30s there has to be some amount of purposeful referentiality to him! paging dear scholar vi @caligulapdf on this since she's at the forefront of the research on gojo as a cult leader.

also!! the massacre of the higher ups honest to god haunts me like WHAT was that. i honestly can't wait for sukuna v. gojo to be over so that the plot can move forward and we can finally unpack all the plot threads that were mentioned in 220-223 but ESPECIALLY yuki's notes and yuji eating the cursed wombs (???) and inumaki+yuta killing the higher ups on gojo's bidding. i think people are not talking about it because it was (understandably) dropped as quickly as it was mentioned and it will be picked up after the fight but yeah it's still very disconcerting to just see all that laying out in the open and everyone pretending it's not there

[fataziraphale]

hi I never post here but it’s pride month and I love fruits basket so here are my furuba lgbt headcanons! love these gay kids

Tohru - pansexual cis girl, though she won’t realize she likes girls until adulthood. somehow oblivious to the fact that Hana and Uo have been dating for years

Kyo - the one cishet boy in this whole goddamn show but tries to be a good ally because of Tohru and her friends

Yuki - trans boy. has been raised as male since birth because the curse treated him as a boy which is good by him. demisexual and gay but still figuring that out

Shigure - bisexual cis man

Hatori - bisexual cis man

Ayame - bisexual and will sleep with any gender, but has only really had romantic feelings for men. identifies with the term gnc but uses he/him (alternately, gnc trans man Ayame)

Akito - gay trans man who somehow manages to be both homophobic and transphobic

Momiji - pansexual and nonbinary (they/them)

Haru - bisexual and cis by convenience but doesn’t care about gender and uses any pronouns

Rin - bisexual cis girl

Ritsu - trans lesbian. every single Sohma knows she’s trans, it’s literally been obvious her whole life, but she keeps doubting herself and worrying she’s just faking it... while actively trying to pass as female. she’ll get there eventually and then the curse will recognize her as a girl

Kureno - bisexual cis man. is convinced his sex with Akito is straight. it’s not and he’s not

Uo - trans lesbian

Hana - nonbinary she/they lesbian

[xiaq]

Hi, I have a question re:sex and Christianity. Small background: I still go to church, and I still live with my parents even though I'm not much younger than you, because housing is very very expensive where I live (pretty common here, I would say about 2/3 of my friends live with their parents and we are decently privileged kids)

Anyway. How does one get over purity culture? To be clear, I've never been told in church not to have sex, I've never gotten the gendered lessons that you got. But I am terrified of having sex. My first real, multi-year relationship just ended and while there was hand stuff etc, there was never any p in v sex (lol I feel 12). But I still had insane anxiety about being pregnant despite being on bc. And I think its because I know my parents would be so disappointed if I had sex. And if I was pregnant I could imagine all the gossip. And honestly I think im from a pretty open church, b/c one of our previous ministers kids recently got married at 8 months pregnant and lots of church people were at the wedding and supportive and her parents were there and everything.

I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???

(Asking because it seems like you've been pretty open about purity culture/removing yourself from it)

CW for sex talk (again)

How does one get over purity culture?

Oh man. That really is the million-dollar question, huh? Obviously, I can only answer re my personal experiences, and this is something you should talk to a therapist about, but I can tell you how I’ve tackled it with my therapist at least.

Purity culture is, at its core, an ideology that is perpetuated by shame. If you’re indoctrinated into purity culture when you’re a kid, the concepts become baked into the way you construct your identity, your perception of self, and your perception of your sexuality. It’s practically intrinsic, by the time you’re an adult, to feel shame any time you’re reminded you have a body, much less a sexuality.

According to the chapels I sat through every week as a kid, a girl's body could be 3 things: an intentional stumbling block for men, an accidental stumbling block for men, or unnoticeable. Women were to strive for the third option so as to keep their (and their male friends/authority figures) purity intact. After all, if a boy, or even your male teacher, had impure thoughts about you, it was your fault for tempting them (which, holy shit. I still can’t believe that was a thing I bought into for so long. If my 45 yr old grown-ass teacher had impure thoughts because he could see my 12 yr old collarbone, that sure as hell wasn’t my fault. But I digress.) The Only time a woman’s body can be something else, is when she gives it to her husband, at which point she must suddenly flip the switch in her brain that she is now allowed to be a Sexual Being and she must perform Sexual Duties despite living in outright fear of her own body and sexuality for years (decades?) up until this point. Jesus take the wheel.

Purity culture isn’t a thing you can just decide to walk away from if you’ve grown up in it. Because its ideology is insidious and internalized. So first you need to submit to the fact that you’re going to be fucked up about sex. It sounds like you’re there. Second, you need to interrogate what you believe. If you’re leaving religion behind entirely, you’ll approach removing yourself from purity culture differently than if you still identify as a Christian. It sounds like you might be the latter, which meant, for me, separating what’s actually biblical and what’s shitty, contrived, doctrine that I was told is biblical but is actually more political than spiritual. This helps you address the shame issue.

You need to throw away I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Lady in Waiting and all those ridiculous books you read and reread in the hopes of somehow obtaining impossible marriage perfection and look into actual scripture interpreted within its historical context. I could write a book on this, but the TL;DR is that the text of the Bible was written, translated, curated, and changed multiple times over thousands of years by human beings with human biases and, often, personal and/or political agendas. It contradicts itself! Reading it as it is—a flawed historical document—rather than some sort of God-breathed perfect document—is incredibly freeing. When you do, you’ll probably realize that purity culture is bullshit on a spiritual level. Which is a good start, if that matters to you. Because any time you start to feel shame or guilt you can ask yourself: does God actually care if I wear a bikini or touch a dick I’m not married to? Probably not. Wear the bikini. Touch the dick.

The most important therapy session for me was when my therapist asked what I would do if I got to heaven and God was actually the God I’d been raised to fear. What would I do if he condemned me for being bisexual and having premarital sex and becoming educated, for arguing with men, and failing to isolate while menstruating, and wearing mixed fabrics? If Montero had come out at the point, I probably would have said I’d pole dance down to hell. Instead, I said I would spit on heaven’s gates. If a god that cruel and that pointlessly demeaning really exists—a god who would create in me condemned desire—I won't worship him. The good news is, I’m 99% sure he doesn’t exist. At the very least, he isn’t supported by scripture.

Okay. The final thing you need to do is figure out what you actually want, sexually speaking. This bit is probably the hardest. I’m still in the early stages of this myself. You say: “I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???” Bro, I wish I had an easy answer for you. For me, whenever I’m feeling anxious about Sex Things, I tell myself: 1. My God does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 2. My partner does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 3. I do not equate my worth to my sexual habits. It seems silly, but reminding myself of those three things is massively helpful. If, after I’ve sorted through those, I’m still anxious or uncomfortable, I stop doing the thing. I evaluate. Am I overwhelmed and I need to try again some other time? Do I just not like the thing? Sometimes it’s hard to tell. Sometimes you change your mind. Sometimes you just don’t know. That’s why having a partner who you trust and who’s willing to patiently explore your interests (and respect your disinterests) is so important. Half the battle, for me, was having a partner who told me they’d be ok with no sex at all. Because that took the pressure off me. If the bare minimum they need is nothing, then anything more than that is a bonus! Hooray! This is maybe TMI, but let me tell you. I thought I was asexual* right up until I was able to have moderately non-anxious sex. Never in my life did I think I would initiate a sexual situation but… I do now. It’s a fun thing to do with a person I love and, holy shit. I am furious that I nearly missed out on it.

Finally, re birth control: I don’t know how you can approach that fear in a way that works for you. If you don’t want to ever have penetrative sex, that’s fine! If that’s a point of anxiety you can’t get rid of, then don't push yourself to do it. If you find out you like other sex things, do the other sex things! If you don't like doing any sex things, don't do any sex things! Also, have you considered sleeping with people who can’t get you pregnant? Always an option if it’s an option you want to consider. ;)

Okay. I hope this was even a little bit helpful. Sorry if it’s a little convoluted, I typed it up in bursts during my work breaks.

*This is not at all to say that asexuality can be “fixed." Rather, it’s to say that things like purity culture can drastically confuse your sexuality in general. If you’re asexual, then this process is still important to discover what you like/dislike. Then you can be explicit about those necesities and find a partner who’s a good fit (if you want a partner at all, that is).

[13solo]

Oh!! I really like Belphie and Rene having a toxic friendship! I feel like that's not something that's done often. Talking to each other through dreams is also vv good. I think maybe if the devs weren't so hesitant to like define character abilities we could've had that in canon and it would've been s w e e t. Does their relationship ever improve? In the Rene x Belphie au is that a healthy relationship? Does he still murder her in the au?

When did Rene first know she liked Mammon? Did she make the first move? What's she like when she has a crush?

Does she grow out of her apathy? V valid if she doesn't of course. I'm enjoying thinking about the dynamic between a apathetic mc and Mammon!

(okay yes this is more questions, you don't have to answer them if it's too much skskssjd. I am so curious though!!)

NO FORREAL I LOVE LIKE. mc relationships with belphie before his sudden change of character after lesson 16 @cosmosrival has a really good mcbelphie ship with a similar premise and i love it to death. making him worse instead of better ❤️

but yes! their relationship does improve a lot, but it takes awhile. like. a Long while. belphie doesn’t actually kill her in her canon, but he gets super close. lesson 16 pans out a lot differently in my head just because of a lot of changed lore i tossed around for her to try to make her stand apart from solmare’s interpretation of mc.

the thing about rene is that i intended her to be a sort of foil to belphie? theyre both strong carriers of sloth, they both lost someone close to them, they both have extremely tumultuous relationships with their family, and they’re both at this stage where they kind of stopped caring enough to try to improve their lives and instead remain stagnant in their misery because its something they’ve grown too comfortable in.

i think what changes about that is rene actually comes out of her shell bit by bit thanks to the brothers, so she ends up learning the value of putting one foot in front the other. after the confrontation with belphie (which happened cus she tried talking him out of his whole “ruin the exchange program” plan, something she actually encouraged throughout their interactions but like thats a WHOLE nother can of worms), they kind of have like a hard reset where they both try to start from the beginning and help each other through their mutual toxic traits instead of feeding into them

also her ship au with belphie is pretty. um. chaotic. its a lot more similar to canon than not, but the huge difference is how they start having romantic feelings for each other throughout the whole mutual enabling cycle, which ends up making them spiral way worse than normal. im actually really not sure the direction this au goes because it goes a LOT of different ways depending on my mood when i think out scenarios, but its definitely my more angstier one.

btw i really hate how much i accidentally made them sound like veronica and jd from heathers here?

but about mammon, rene is JUST as stupid and in denial as he is BFMXNFK. it probably takes her Awhile to actually pinpoint what her feelings are and realize that she has a crush on him. i dont know if an actual verbal confession happens on her end, but she’s a lot more open about her crush than he is. she’s more touchy and openly affectionate with him, and WAY more violently protective of him than is probably even remotely necessary. like one of the brothers could sneeze on him a few rooms over and she just busts in like

and about her apathy, yes! she becomes a lot more visibly relaxed and happier as the exchange program goes on and she starts creating new bonds and coming out of her shell. shes also Just as chaotic as the rest of the boys are and has a lot of fun causing mischief with them. she smiles more too, which is really noticeable because her resting bitch face was literally glued into a >:/ for like most of the gotdam year

her personality is still sort of largely the same though. i feel like the best way to describe it is you can tell she’s visibly happier by her actions rather than her attitude ? the devil-may-care attitude stays, and she’s still really lethargic and lazy. she’s just a lot more in control of herself and way less self-destructive and hateful, if that makes seeense?

[mrs-nate-humphrey]

how do u think a dair + serenessa double date would go? 👀

i tried my best, but tbh i think it’d be chaotic because i feel like the kind of things serena and vanessa would do on dates vs the kind of things dan and blair would do on dates would be wildly different! so if any of these options feel ooc that’s probably why. this was a fun ask though! and i came up with 5 potential double dates so hopefully at least ONE feels correct....

under the cut, because it got long (of course it did) 

pre-date, dan & vanessa get ready together, and blair & serena get ready together. i think blair would do fishtail braids for serena or something, and serena would give blair input on what to wear, zip her dress. they'd fix each other's make-up. dan and vanessa would be doing the same thing! vanessa fixes dan's tie (she's had practice with nate's ties after discreet make-out sessions at his WASPy relatives' place, she knows how to fix a tie) and smooths down his suit. dan probably does something elaborate or fancy or pretty with her hair, braiding ribbons in or something (he grew up with jenny, he knows how to help a girl look fancy for a special occasion).

option 1:

they'd meet at a neutral location, like a park or something, and vanessa and serena would walk around slightly ahead of dan and blair, arms looped together, talking excitedly about something that dan and blair exchange puzzled looks at. dan and blair would walk around too, more leisurely, not really saying much but just enjoying each other's company? or maybe the would talk a lot because, well, they're dan and blair. eventually, blair reaches out for dan's hand and holds it and dan turns a fascinating shade of pink

they're in the park for an hour, until they either get bored or get kicked out for hanging out in the kids area because they're making the children wait lkhfdlkfgklgf. i think vanessa and serena would spend a lot of time on the merry go round while dan and blair stare at them with disappointed horrified wonder, like "how are they going so fast and not throwing up?" / "i don't know" . dan and blair would just sit on swings and not swing LKFHLKDGH.

after this, they do dinner at a posh restaurant, blair's choice. 

option 2:

art gallery date!

dan and blair are being their lovely pretentious selves, going deep into symbolism and historical context and interpretation of paintings using different frameworks and like - vanessa knows enough to join them in the debate, but like....

serena is right there staring at various pictures and saying things like "this shade of green is so calming and soothing, makes me think of peppermint" or "if i could only see one colour for the rest of my life, it'd be this violet" or "this blue feels so melancholic" and vanessa finds herself so so so curious about what serena means, and she really wants to know what her girlfriend means, so she loops an arm around serena's waist and asks all the right questions (she's not trying to ask the right questions, she genuinely wants to know), all "what do you mean by that" or "why do you think that is" or "melancholic how? could you give me another example?"

serena is touched that vanessa actually wants to hear her interpretations as opposed to being academic or whatever

meanwhile dan and blair are two seconds away from yelling or frothing at the mouth. they are looking at a picture of sisyphus and arguing about what it means.

"do we do something about that?" serena asks. "nah, they're flirting," vanessa says.

db disappear for a hot minute, and when they return, blair's lipstick smudged on dan's face, serena and vanessa do a GREAT JOB at keeping their expressions neutral

option 3:

beach date! blair hates it because of all the sand but then dan piggybacks her everywhere and she's too busy having fun to really think about the sand. until dan runs right into the waves and she's shrieking, and she's like, humphrey do you know how much these clothes cost, and he thinks she's going to cry or something, and she knows he thinks that, because the next thing he knows, she's pushing him back into the water and he's spluttering because he actually dressed up for once (yes, he dressed up for the beach, his fancy ass girlfriend is totally rubbing off on him)

serena and vanessa just look at them like why are our friends like this

serena gets a surfboard and vanessa watches her and cheers

dan and blair are both just lying on a picnic blanket (vanessa's picnic blanket, now covered in seawater, thank you very much) and laughing so hard that vanessa goes, 'hey, are you both sober? did you show up here drunk?' and that just sets them off again

option 4:

open mic! blair bullies dan into performing a poem, and he goes, i know you write too, waldorf, so you’ve got to do something as well, and she does!! she’s never really thought of herself as a writer before but at that minute, she does. 

vanessa gives serena a poem she’s written on the back of a receipt from some coffee shop, and serena goes and performs it, and dan and blair are both like, why didn’t you perform your own poem? and vanessa’s like, i wrote it for serena to perform. it’s a poem meant for serena in every possible way 

they want to tease her for being a sap but they unfortunately have no ground to do so 

after this they go to some nice, fun, extremely casual eatery in brooklyn and blair complains loudly and at every possible opportunity but once they’re actually there, she’s all smiles. she steals the salad off dan’s plate

serena talks to vanessa later, about ‘did you give me a poem to ensure i wouldn’t feel left out?’ and vanessa goes ‘no i gave you a poem because i wanted to. because i can’t stop writing poems about you and you mean so much to me’ 

option 5: 

vanessa takes all of them to a lesbian concert

blair’s initially awkward about it like ‘i don���t want people to think im a lesbian!’ and dan is like “you can just kiss me in that case” and vanessa is like, “funny, nate never complained about that”

later, blair talks to dan about how the real reason she’s iffy about this concert is her hugeass crush on serena from when they were kids, and she’s over it, but sometimes she remembers it and it always hurts

and dan, to her surprise, gives her a hug and tells her about the hugeass crush he had on vanessa, and how she took him to these concerts all the time before she left and he kept wondering what it meant, because it always felt like a date, their bodies always smushed close together because of the way the crowd would be, and he tells her that it hurt, but he wants to go to a concert with blair, to make new memories or whatev

blair is like ‘nothing about this experience sounds appealing’

dan is like, ‘give it a try before you judge it’ 

and blair does and she hates the crowd as expected so she and dan sit outside together and she feels mildly awful about making him miss the concert, but they’re near one of the doors and they can still hear the music and blair thinks the band isn’t half bad and she tells him that, and dan laughs, like, ‘see? i knew you’d like them’ and blair gives him an incredulous look and kisses him 

and keeps kissing him

serena and vanessa come out of the venue laughing, faces pink and flushed, and they look at dan and blair, who are standing there and smiling and looking sort of quiet and at peace and happy despite leaving in the middle

vanessa checks on blair, and blair smiles at her and says it’s all good, and v believes her, because she looks really happy

[queenlua]

hey, i started following you recently and ur bio says ur a hacker? any tips on where to start? hacking seems like a v cool/fun way to learn more abt coding and cybersecurity/infrastructure and i'd like to explore it but there's so much on the internet and like, i'm not trying to get into anything illegal. thanks!

huh, an interesting question, ty!

i can give more tailored advice if you hit me up on chat with more specifics on your background/interests.

given what you've written here, though, i'll just assume you don't have any immediate professional aspirations (e.g. you just want to learn some things, and you aren't necessarily trying to get A Cyber Security Job TM within the next three months or w/e), and that you don't know much about any specific programming/computering domain yet.

(stuff under cut because long)

first i'd probably just try to pick some interesting problem that you think you can solve with tech. this doesn't need to be a "hacking" project at first; i was just messing around with computers for ages before i did anything involving security/exploitation.

if you don't already know how to program, you should ideally pick a problem you can solve via programming. for instance: i learned a lot back in the 2000s, when play-by-post forum RPGs were in vogue.  see, i'd already been messing around, building my own personal sites, first just with HTML & CSS, and later on with Javascript and PHP.   and i knew the forum software everyone used (InvisionPowerBoard) was written in PHP.  so when one of the admins at my RPG complained that they'd like the ability to set multiple profile pictures, i was like, "hey i'm good at programming, want me to create a mod to do that," and then i just... did. so then they asked me to program more features, and i got all the sexy nerd cred for being Forum Mod Queen, and it was a good time, i learned a lot.

(i also got to be the person who was frantically IMed at 2am because wtf the forum is down and there's an inscrutable error, what do??? basically sysadmining! also, much less sexy! still, i learned a lot!)

the key thing is that it's gotta be a problem that's interesting to you: as much as i love making dorky sites in PHP, half the fun was seeing other people using my stuff, and i think the era of forum-based RPGs has passed. but maybe you can apply some programming talents to something that you are interested in—maybe you want to make a silly Chrome extension to make people laugh, a la Cloud to Butt, or maybe you'd like to make a program that converts pixel art into cross-stitching patterns, maybe you want to just make a cool adventure game on those annoying graphing calculators they make you use in class, or make a script for some online game you play, or make something silly with Arduino (i once made a trash can that rolled toward me when i clapped my hands; it was fun, and way easier than you'd think!), whatever.

i know a lot of hacker-types who got their start doing ROM hacking for video games—replacing the character art or animations or whatever in old NES games. that's probably more relevant than the PHP websites, at least, and is probably a solid place to get started; in my experience those communities tend to be reasonably friendly to questions. pick a small thing you want to do & ask how to do it.

also, a somewhat unconventional path, but—once i knew how to program a bit of Python, i started doing goofy junk, like, "hey can i implemented NamedTuple from scratch,” which tends to lead to Python metaprogramming, which leads to surprising shit like "oh, stack frames are literally just Python objects and you can manually edit them in the interpreter to do deliberately horrendous/silly things, my god this language allows too much reflection and i'm having too much fun"... since Python is a lot of folks' first language these days, i thought i'd point that out, since i think this is a pretty accessible start to thinking about How Programs Actually Work under the hood. allison kaptur has some specific recommendations on how to poke around, if you wanna go that route.

it's reasonably likely you'll end up doing something "hackery" in the natural course of just working on stuff. for instance, while i was working on the IPB forum software mods, i became distressed to learn that everyone was using an INSECURE version of the software! no one was patching their shit!! i yelled at the admins about it, and they were like "well we haven't been hacked yet so it's not a problem," so i uh, decided to demonstrate a proof of concept? i downloaded some sketchy perl script, kicked it until it worked, logged in as the admins, and shitposted a bit before i logged out, y'know, to prove my point.

(they responded by banning me for two weeks, and did not patch their software. which, y'know, rip to them; they got hacked by an unrelated Turkish group two months later, and those dudes just straight-up deleted the whole website. i was a merciful god by comparison!)

anyway, even though downloading a perl script and just pointing it at a website isn't really "hacking" (it's the literal definition of script kiddie, heh)—the point is i was just experimenting a lot and trying a lot of stuff, which meant i was getting comfortable with thinking of software as not just some immutable relic, but something you can touch and prod in unexpected ways.

this dovetails into the next thing, which is like, just learn a lot of stuff. a boring conventional computer science degree will teach you a lot (provided you take it seriously and actually try to learn shit); alternatively, just taking the same classes as a boring conventional computer science degree, via edX or whatever free online thingy, will also teach you a lot. ("contributing to open source" also teaches you a lot but... hngh... is a whole can of worms; send a follow-up ask if you want that rant.)

here's where i should note that "hacking" is an impossibly broad category: the kind of person who knows how to fuck with website authentication tokens is very different than someone who writes a fuzzer, who is often quite different than someone who looks at the bug a fuzzer produces and actually writes a program that can exploit that bug... so what you focus on depends on what you're interested in. i imagine classes with names like "compilers," "operating systems," and "networking" will teach you a lot. but, like, idk, all knowledge is god-breathed and good for teaching. hell, i hear some universities these days have actual computer security classes? that's probably a good thing to look at, just to get a sense of what's out there, if you already know how to program.

also be comfortable with not knowing everything, but also, learn as you go. the bulk of my security knowledge came when i got kinda airdropped into a work team that basically hired me entirely on "potential" (lmao), and uh, prior to joining i only had the faintest idea what a hypervisor was? or the whole protection ring concept? or ioctls or sandboxing or threat models or, fuck, anything? i mostly just pestered people with like 800 questions and slowly built up a knowledge base, and remember being surprised & delighted when i went to a security conference a year later and could follow most of the talks, and when i wound up at a bar with a guy on the xbox security team and we compared our security models a bunch, and so on.  there wasn't a magic moment when i "got it", i was just like, "okay huh this dude says he found a ring-0 exploit... what does that mean... okay i think i got that... why is that a big deal though... better ask somebody.." (also: reading an occasional dead tree book is a good idea. i owe my firstborn to Robert Love's Linux Kernel Development, as outdated as it is, and also O'Reilly's kookaburra book gave me a great overview of web programming back in the day, etc.  you can learn a lot by just clicking around random blogs, but you’ll often end up with a lot of random little facts and no good mental scaffolding for holding it together; often, a decent book will give you that scaffolding.)

(also, it's pretty useful if you can find a knowledgable someone to pepper with random questions as you go. finding someone who will actively mentor you is tricky, but most working computery folks are happy to tell you things like "what you're doing is actually impossible, here's why," or "here's a tutorial someone told me was good for learning how to write a linux kernel module," or "here's my vague understanding of this concept you know nothing about," or "here's how you automate something to click on a link on a webpage," which tends to be handier than just google on its own.)

if you're reading this and you're like "ok cool but where's the part where i'm handed a computer and i gotta break in while going all hacker typer”—that's not the bulk of the work, alas! like, for sure, we do have fun pranking each other by trying dumb ways of stealing each other's passwords or whatever (once i stuck a keylogger in a dude's keyboard, fun times). but a lot of my security jobs have involved stuff like, "stare at this disassembly a long fuckin' time to figure out how the program pointer got all fucked up," or, "write a fuzzer that feeds a lot of randomized input to some C++ program, watch the program crash because C++ is a horrible language for writing software, go fix all the bugs," or "think Really Hard TM about all the settings and doohickeys this OS/GPU/whatever has, think about all the awful things someone could do with it, threat model and sandbox accordingly." occasionally i have done cool proof-of-concept hacks but honestly writing exploits can kinda be tedious, lol, so like, i'm only doing that if it's the only way i can get people to believe that Yes This Is Actually A Problem, Fix Your Code

"lua that's cool and all but i wanted, like, actual links and recommendations and stuff" okay, fair. here's some ideas:

microcorruption: very fun embedded security CTF; teaches you everything you need to know as you're doing it.

cryptopals crypto challenges: very fun little programming exercises that teach you a lot of fundamental cryptography concepts as you're going along! you can do these even as a bit of a n00b; i did them in Python for the lulz

the binary bomb lab is hilariously copied by, like, so many CS programs, lol, but for good reason. it's accessible and fun and is the first time most people get to feel like a real hacker! (requires you know a bit of C beforehand)

ctftime is a good way to see when new CTFs ("capture the flag"s; security-focused competitions) are coming up. or, sometimes CTFs post their source code, so you can continue trying them after the CTF is over. i liked Stripe's CTFs when they were going, because they focused on "web stuff", and "web stuff" was all i really knew at the time. if you're more interested in staring at disassembly, there's CTFs focused on that sort of thing too.

azeria has good ARM assembly & exploitation tutorials

also, like, lots of good talks out there; just watching defcon/cansecwest/etc talks until something piques your interest is very fun. i'd die on a battlefield for any of Christopher Domas's talks, but he assumes a lot of specific x86/OS knowledge, lol, so maybe don’t start with that. oh, Julia Evans's blog is honestly probably pretty good for just learning a lot of stuff and really beginner-friendly?

oh and wrt legality... idk, i haven't addressed it here since it hasn't come up in my own work much, tbh. if you're just getting started you're kind of unlikely to Break The Law without, y'know, realizing maybe you're doing something a bit gray-area? and you can cross that bridge when you come to it? Real Hacking TM is way more of a pain-in-the-ass than doing CTFs and such, and you'll learn way more with the latter, so who cares lol just do the fun thing

[into1-wonderland]

Baby!Into1 x Daycare au | Intro

(ft. Bo Yuan as the caretaker of the 10 chaotic bunch, ranging from the ages of 3-5)

a/n: hello hello yumi here~ so this is the first into1 au of mine that will ever see the light of day. at first I was going to write things for it, but honestly I'm going to make it into a series with incorrect quotes to attach with it. this post will be the bios of all the babies and our lovely caretaker Bo Yuan, so enough of me babbling and I hope you guys could enjoy~

First off, we have the Caretaker™ Bo Yuan:

my mans is like in his 20's rn

wanted to open up a little day care as like side job/internship because he wanted to teach kids in the future so he was like “might as well start working with kids now!”

and so

he did it

only regretted his life decisions when his devil number 1 and devil number 2 does something bad

other times he really enjoy looking after them! and he doesn’t even feel like it’s a job!

has been thinking about taking a field trip with all 10 of them but he’s afraid: 1) he might lose one 2) he might lose himself 3) can they behave themselves

his favorite thing to do is having all of them gather around while reading a fairytale to them for nap time

or sometimes he would sing a song

he has a lot of favorite things in day care, literally having all 10 of them just there makes him happy

except when lin mo and nine is having a scream off:

lin mo: ahh

nine: aHH

lin mo: AHH

nine: AHHHHH-

bo yuan, running into the room: what’s wrong?

ak: screaming

bo yuan: why?

patrick, with his hands over his ears: TO SEE WHOS LOUDER

all the other boys: *nods*

isnt always watching the kids 24/7, since day 1 when the kids came in he told them the rules of the daycare and kinda just let them familiarize the place

(bo yuan: its a daycare, and they are kids, they are suppose to have fun!

keyu, in the back, mumbles: i wanna climb the tree in the yard

bo yuan, turns around: keyu no)

///////////

And now we have the kids!!

Liu Yu:

4 years old

very quiet, just likes to sit and read and draw

the most obedient one, and likes to follow around bo yuan

well,, most of the time

he’s played a few pranks on bo yuan like:

bo yuan: liu yu nap time is over you have to wake up

liu yu: *not moving*

bo yuan, gently nudged liu yu: liu yu wake up!

liu yu: *continues to fake sleep and not move*

bo yuan: *leans closer to liu yu’s face to make sure hes not sick or has a fever*

liu yu, scares bo yuan: WAH

bo yuan: liu yu dont do that! you scared me!

liu yu: *giggles*

likes to stretch and bend himself in odd positions

(bo yuan: everyday I’m in fear that he will snap himself in half)

kinda an introvert but once he hangs around everyone for a bit he will open up to them and fit himself in very well

likes to organize and keep things how he found them/have special places where he organizes his toys

jiayuan: *moves liu yu’s fan*

liu yu: hey! put that back!!

has really good etiquettes and never really fights or argues or bicker with the other kids

but likes to joke around and mess around with once in a while

patrick: wahhh i put my cupcakes here who took one!

liu yu, hiding it behind his back: idk maybe keyu took it?

the least of bo yuan’s worries since he’s always in bo yuan’s sight, also he’s aware of his surroundings so he actually helps bo yuan make sure everything’s okay

(bo yuan: i made a checklist for myself on the whiteboard and liu yu likes to check things off for me, he said “coloring in the boxes is fun” so now he's the reason why i get all my work done)

-----------

Santa:

4 years old

riki’s best friend

super happy and bright, like a ray of sunshine

is easily scared

lin mo: hi

santa: WAHHHHH BO YUAN GEGE

really likes bo yuan, would stick on to him a lot and ask him about everything

santa: bo yuan gege whats this?

santa: bo yuan gege what’s that?

santa: bo yuan gege what are you making right now?

hangs out with liu yu and mika a lot (other than riki)

riki is older than him but would hold riki’s hand and take him around like a didi

also really likes racing with mika for E V E R Y T H I N G

(bo yuan: yeah couple days ago they tried to race who can fall asleep faster but because they kept on peeking at each other so they basically didn’t sleep till i said i’ll watch for them)

really likes to dance, every time he hears music he would start grooving around

loves learning new things, which is probably the reason why he always asks bo yuan so many questions

also least one of bo yuan’s worries, just gotta make sure jiayuan and lin mo don’t pull pranks on him

(bo yuan: well they dont really pull prank pranks, its just once lin mo grabbed a frog and started running around and showing it to everyone, but lin mo lost grip and the frog jumped on santa)

-----------

Rikimaru:

5 years old

looks like he’s 3, acts like he’s 3, but is actually 5

best friends with santa! always sticks around him and likes to tug on a corner of his shirt out of habit

bo yuan: alright everyone it’s nap time! i’ve made the beds for everyone

riki, sees his bed is not next to santa: bo yuan gege can you switch my bed next to santa? i wanna be next to santa

he didn’t start speaking till he was 4 so he often stutters when he talk and just looks confused a lot (it's because he’s thinking and formulating his words)

santa and the other kids would always have to interpret for him

bo yuan: riki I brought some snacks today do you want cookies or marshmallows?

riki: ???

santa, motioning with his hands: bo yuan gege said do you want the white fluffies or brown crunchies

riki: oh! crunchies!

squishy cheeks,, bo yuan’s favorite thing is to squish his cheek everytime he sees him

riki: gud mooning bo yuan gege!

bo yuan, squishes riki’s cheeks: ahh I haven’t seen you in so long good morning!!

nine: wait wasnt riki here yesterday??

also likes to stretch,, often seen around with liu yu and they just help each other

(bo yuan: i am afraid he will snap himself in half too)

not too much of bo yuan’s worries, besides the fact that he might get kidnapped because he’s so oblivious

(bo yuan: we were playing outside in the yard once and riki just wandered off because he thought the neighbor’s flowers were pretty)

-----------

Mika:

4 years old

also kinda an introvert, doesn’t interact with too many people

usually it’s santa that approaches him first or keyu^^

found a ukulele in the toy bin one time and wouldn’t let go of it (he claims it’s his now)

his favorite activity at daycare is when they all sing together, that’s when he smiles the most and has the most fun

the one that likes to nap the most

also likes to help bo yuan cook once in a while (mostly just having mika washing vegetables and passing things to bo yuan)

very laid back and not noisy (till he starts playing the ukulele)

often gets scared by lin mo’s sudden screams (actually, lin mo scares a lot of people, sorry to mika’s ears)

also not one of bo yuan’s worries, literally there’s nothing to worry about with mika, all the kids just likes to sit around mika and pet his head so he keeps everyone safe

(bo yuan: one time I couldn’t find any of the kids in the play room, apparently they were all in the napping corner petting mika’s head since he just got a hair cut)

-----------

Nine:

4 years old

loud, very loud.

pouts a lot

everyone calls nine cute, even the boys who are younger than him

likes to boss around patrick because he’s older

nine: patrick gimme that juice box!

patrick: you’re closer you get it!

nine: i’m older than you!

literally scared of everything

if he hasn’t seen it before and it’s living, he’s scared

jiayuan: *holds a bowl of tadpoles*

nine, several feet away: WAHHH WHAT IS THAT

the happiest when he gets snacks + real food food

also really likes to sing!! his favorite thing is watching disney movies because there’s so much music in it and he just loves to sing along

he’s not part of bo yuan’s worries because he’s literally scared of everything, but nine is really naive and would do things that the other kids tell him to do so, it’s a 50/50 on nine

(bo yuan: there was an edible decorative flower on keyu’s birthday cake couple days ago, and somehow jiayuan convinced nine all flowers were edible. so today during outside time nine almost ate the neighbor’s flowers)

-----------

Lin Mo:

3 years old

LOUD. VERY LOUD.

probably the craziest most hyper one out of them all

he and jiayuan always have something bad planned

literally doesn’t have a moment where he’s calm

constantly in bickering mode with ak

lin mo: NO IM RIGHT

ak: NO. IM RIGHT

patrick: what are they arguing about?

keyu: *shrugs*

but is also best friends with ak so he’s also calm around him

(bo yuan: yeah these two have on and off days, you can never predict it)

and also constantly naruto runs around the daycare

bo yuan: lin mo stop running!

lin mo: *nyoom*

he also once nyoomed into keyu

keyu: ow what was that for?

lin mo: you were in my way!

and now he nyooms into keyu for fun

a very good mood maker

likes to smile/laugh a lot

would calm down if you show him a movie or a cartoon

number 2 on bo yuan’s worry list because he’s the "bad influence" for everyone, also he reduces hearing for everyone

(bo yuan: i’ve secretly made a tally book on how many times i have to say “lin mo” in a concerning tone this week and he came in 2nd. he was only here for like 3 days!)

-----------

Zhang Jiayuan:

3 years old

YOURE THREE STOP SMIRKING LIKE THAT

couple months younger than lin mo but this is the real culprit under a lot of his and lin mo‘s plans

it’s just because jiayuan has a lot of crazy ideas and he says them out loud and lin mo is just like “yes”

also sometimes they are just accidents, but he's always doing weird questionable things with lin mo

got really sad one time because he brought tadpoles and put them in the fish tank and killed them since the fish went nom

but then started to constantly catch for tadpoles to feed the fishes

bo yuan: jiayuan stop, you’re killing the frog population!

jiayuan: but the fishies are hungry *pouts*

likes to fight/mess around with keyu for no reason

keyu: *sitting there, drawing*

jiayuan, with a squishy hammer: *bops keyu’s head*

but also will protect keyu if anyone tries to mess with him

lin mo: *nyooms into keyu for the 3rd time of the day* jiayuan, hugs keyu: stop hurting him!

the calmest thing he likes to do is taking care of plants, probably because he saw bo yuan spraying the plants one time and he like to squeeze the spray bottle

number 1 on bo yuan’s worry list, this child is literally not safe alone or with anyone. they were trying to celebrate keyu’s birthday and jiayuan tried to touch the candles, while it was lit, by the flame.

(bo yuan: i just got the tablets and haven’t set up children mode, so i’ll take the blame for this one. but also why are kids so good with technologies nowadays??)

-----------

Patrick:

3 years old

squishy :D

smiley :DD

favorite thing is nap time and snack time

somehow knows every location where bo yuan hides their snacks

bo yuan: *getting the snacks that he hid in the piano*

patrick: *sitting next to the window sill with the snack* hi~

of course bo yuan can never get mad at patrick for eating the snacks because patrick doesn’t do anything bad

also he's a growing child

best friends with keyu,, and drags him on to “adventures”

*the daycare got a new toy play house*

patrick: bo yuan gege, keyu and I are moving out so we can go on an adventure!

keyu: I didnt agree to this??

wants bo yuan to add dress up into the daycare games, since he wants to dress up the other boys in the daycare

patrick: i call it, patrick fashion!

not part of bo yuan’s worries till he’s on his hunt for the hidden snacks, just because bo yuan is afraid he might hurt himself

(bo yuan: i started hiding the snacks higher up and one time i saw him trying to climb on keyu’s shoulders to grab it)

-----------

Zhou Keyu:

3 years old

smart, but really clueless at the same time

tall, but has the personality of smol

likes to draw

also likes to read with patrick,, but usually patrick falls asleep so it’s him, the book, and a sleeping patrick

wears glasses all the time since his vision isn’t so good but somehow he makes glasses look good on him???

has a chain with his glasses because there too many glasses incident with keyu

glasses #1 keyu: I don’t like them! *takes it off and loses it*

glasses #2 keyu: *takes them off for nap time, but riki accidentally rolled on to them and snapped it*

glasses # we don’t know how many: *disconnected from the keyu universe*

also like a month younger than lin mo but literally has to make sure lin mo doesnt “blow” the place up

lin mo: what if I stuck this fork into the pluggie thing?

keyu, picking lin mo up: nope you’re not

when keyu is clueless he either stands there or just sit there and space out, not really noticeable but bo yuan ran into him doing that a couple times

(bo yuan: I thought he was an ai that was malfunctioning, it scared me at first but now I know he just doesn’t remember what he’s doing)

oh did I mention this,, even though he’s one of the youngest, he’s the tallest, with that advantage he likes to try to pick people up

jiayuan: keyu pick me up!

keyu: no

patrick: keyu likes me more he will pick me up!

keyu: no

patrick: *pouts*

keyu: *tries to pick both jiayuan and patrick up at the same time*

bo yuan, running over: ZHOU KEYU PUT THEM DOWN YOULL BREAK YOURSELF

not too high up on bo yuan’s worry list, give him a piece of paper or book or anything he would just calmly sit there and do something with it

(bo yuan: every time when we do art or reading its so hard to pry keyu away, he has to finish what he was doing and he’s so concentrated he doesn’t hear anybody)

-----------

Liu Zhang (AK):

4 years old

loud, VERY LOUD.

he doesn’t know he’s loud

bo yuan: ak you don’t have to yell

ak: OKAY

monopolized over all the instrument music type of toys in the daycare

bo yuan: ak you know you have to share your toys right?

ak: I gave the ukulele to mika

honestly having ak is like having a walking megaphone so bo yuan ended up actually making ak his little helper for announcements

bo yuan: ak go tell everyone is lunch time

ak: alright!

ak: *da da da running to fetch his little stool*

ak, stands on a little stool in the middle of the play room: ITS LUNCH TIMEEEEEE-

nine, swats ak’s leg: YOU SCARED ME

the only time ak is quiet is when he’s around lin mo, he kinda just likes to watch lin mo and follow him around so that’s that

unless lin mo starts messing with him, then you just lose your hearing for the day

also at first bo yuan was trying to see what ak is interested in, and he taught ak hot cross buns on the bells and thought that would calm ak down,, but oops ak ended up making more noises

patrick: I WANNA SLEEP AK

(bo yuan: I swear something happened to this kid or something. he’s not hard of hearing but he’s just naturally so loud)

i too would lose my hearing if im around ak so much

not to high on bo yuan’s worries but he just make sure ak isn’t being too loud and bothering the other kids, usually he’s pretty good about that but you never know when a little patrick will start napping or anyone really so gotta contain his energy

(bo yuan: ak is usually the first one that’s awake from nap time but its usually like 5-10min before everyone else so i told him he can go and play but he just has to be quiet)

///////////

alrighty !! now you've met everyone in the daycare, what kind of fun and chaotic adventures are they going to have??

(all future daycare au things will be incorrect quotes + short little one shots, this intro mostly served as a bio so you understand their personalities a bit, and i hope you enjoyed it!)

[softtofustew]

an odyssey | afterword

rating: T

pairing: Hwang Hyunjin/Han Jisung

summary: Somewhere in the galaxy of the Stella Primum, Lieutenant Han is the best fighter on his team, a real ace shooter, with five gold stars to show. Too bad Second Lieutenant Hwang is not only great at battling the Ordinem, he’s also got disgustingly perfect looks to match, and now Jisung’s stuck in the same spaceship with him for possibly the most impossible task of their lives. Or the one where a rivalry is brewed across the skies and stars, until Jisung realises what there is to flying beside Hyunjin on a mission to save the galaxy.

if you haven’t read it yet, read here.

this is an afterword to ‘an odyssey’, where i write about the origin of the story, the characters, and my struggles of writing :’)

(i) The Origin

I’ve had this work in my WIPs since, believe it or not, January of this year. I’ve had this idea for so, so long. I wrote it intermittently throughout this year, with a scene or two in September, then October. 

Due to my exams, though, I couldn’t write as much as I wanted to. That’s why I only really started writing ‘an odyssey’ back in mid-November. The good thing was that I had more time to plan this out, because frankly, this is perhaps the heaviest fic I’ve written in terms of plot so far. 

I can’t for the life of me remember where this story idea planted itself in my head. All I knew was that I like space AUs, I adore Hyunjin and Jisung’s friendship, and I love enemies to lovers. Realising there weren’t any fics out there that combined the three, I knew it was my time to shine. Or something. 

(ii) The Plot

The plot was the trickiest to pull off. I’ve written an urban fantasy here and there, but I’m pretty sure if I reread them thoroughly, I’m bound to find a couple of plot holes. 

There were a lot of elements to cover: the Prophecy. The five gems. The push-pull relationship between Jisung and Hyunjin. The journey to discovering the whereabouts of the last Gemma. The last boss fight with a Governor who could wield the Force. There was!!!! So!!!! Much!!!! Going!!!! On!!!!!

Perhaps if I reread ‘an odyssey’, I might find another plot hole or two; who knows? For now, though, I feel quite contented with this work of mine. Considering it’s my first time writing something as long as this (50K+ are you kidding me?), I feel this is a first step for me to continue expanding my horizons when it comes to writing, to continue to challenge myself to write something different, something bold. Something new.

(iii) The Characters

I rewatched the Two Kids Room and One Kid Room episodes so many times, over and over again. There’s a reason why this story is centred around Jisung and Hyunjin, and why it’s written from Jisung’s perspective.

Their relationship is, after all, something coherently interesting. They really said “enemies to friends but make it irl”. I guess I took that concept and sort of exaggerated the extent of their ‘hate’ for each other, which isn’t exactly hate to begin with. The further you read on, the more you’ll realise that they don’t exactly hate each other — they just got off on the wrong footing, and have never tried turning back to start over once more.

It’s written from Jisung’s perspective because personally, I wanted the story to be told from the eyes of someone who was prideful, who was eager and determined, and who wanted to show his worth to everyone else. I feel like perhaps I didn’t expand on characterising Jisung to the fullest advantage possible, though, which remains a slight regret of mine. 

Another reason why I wanted this to be written from Jisung’s POV is because we can find out how Jisung feels about Hyunjin throughout the story. When he realises whose son Hyunjin is, he’s torn between wanting to pity Hyunjin and keeping things between them the same as they always have. (If I were in his position, though, I don’t know what I would have done lol.) It was hard to try and interpret his emotions, but there’s that.

Someone commented once asking if we’d ever get Hyunjin’s POV. Sadly, one of my biggest turn-offs is the switching of POVs in stories when it’s not entirely necessary haha. As much as I would want to know what Hyunjin is thinking when they’re arguing, or when they’re fighting, I like to keep on the suspension line. It gives you the feeling of immersing yourself as the Jisung in the story, of only seeing things from one perspective. 

As for the other characters, there wasn’t enough time to expand on all of them (for example, I mentioned Seungmin several times throughout the story, but really, he speaks only once haha). And as your fellow StayDay, it was definitely fun for me to include a few members of Day6. (please don’t ask me why I thought of ‘PJ and Honey’ while writing. I was probably hungry.)

I don’t know if I’ll continue to expand on the characters in this same universe, but it would be fun to think of the other relationships, for example Chan and Felix, or Changbin with Minho and Seungmin. (someone please save the seungbinho tag!!!!!!)

As far as characterisation goes, I’ve still got so much to learn. For now, though, I hope you enjoyed the dynamics between the characters and how Jisung and Hyunjin learnt to grow within a span of six chapters.

(iv) The Writing Process

Granted, the writing bit was a little easier in the beginning, but as I delved myself deeper into the story, I found it harder and harder to express the emotions I wanted to deliver in the story. One of the hardest chapters for me to write by far was the last chapter. I wrote two versions of the last chapter, simply because I felt the first version was too lacklustre for the ending of such a long story haha.

I had a clear outline of my story, but I did end up extending it from the initial 5 chapters to 6. For the first time, though, I didn’t add any random elements to the story, unlike how i wrote this story last year haha. The lesson I’ve learnt is that I should ALWAYS have a brief outline of the plot — detailed enough to cover the entire story, but brief enough to give me some creative freedom mid-writing.

The excitement of writing honestly wore off near the last few chapters. I’ve realised the importance of reading unfinished works in this way. Writers really need some form of motivation to keep them writing their chaptered works. So if you’re one of the real ones who started reading this even before it was completed, kudos to you. I really appreciate it.

Overall, writing this was fun. Hopefully I don’t need to do this again though; I absolutely hate writing chaptered fics because of all the time and effort put into them. I’d much rather be a ‘One-Shot Hotshot’ lol.

(v) The End (?)

I left a bit of wondering for the readers in the last chapter. If Atkins was able to wield the Force despite the false pretence that there was no longer any Force-wielders left in the universe, how many more of them could there be? 

That leaves an opening for me if I ever wish to return to this alternate universe sometime in the future. The Universe is ever-expanding, and so is our imagination.

(vi) The Inspiration

Obviously, I need to thank Star Wars. I also need to apologise because I absolutely butchered their universe. Fun fact: there was one huge plot hole I had to cover up halfway through writing. 

If you’re observant, you might remember the scene where Hyunjin asks Jisung why they didn’t just jump into hyperspace to reach Ilsanis. That’s because I was watching an episode of The Mandalorian where the Mando was forced to fly a ship without a hyperdrive engine, and I almost freaked out right there in the middle of the living room realising how weird that would be if I left the issue unattended in my own work (yikes). 

Long story short, I drew elements from the Star Wars universe and created a story of my own. I’ve been asked how I came up with the idea of the Prophecy. Frankly, I don’t know. My brain farts sometimes, I guess. Brain Farts = weird ideas that somehow make sense sometimes.

(vii) Lastly

If you have any more questions you’d like to ask (or plot holes to tell me about *shudders*), do leave me a question in my CC, or holler at me on Twitter (I’m hardly alive here on Tumblr haha). To anyone and everyone who has read ‘an odyssey’, I thank you.

This year has been a funky year, and even worse, it’s the year I had to take my IGCSEs. Writing has always been a way for me to create my own universe and release my tension and emotions, so not being able to write as much as I used to was a little tough. 

Writing will continue to be a medium for me to express my emotions and my thoughts while creating stories of my own, so simply by giving my fics a read, you’ve already fuelled my reason to continue to write. Thank you for all the support in ‘an odyssey’! 

(why did i write this entire monologue like i’m giving a speech at the Oscars or something lol im so dramatic :”))

[sakkac]

“please take care of me in this life as well” is the only manhwa i would recommend without hesitation. the description that goes along like ‘my past life is impeding my current love life’ does not do it justice at all. it has so much nuance... like anyone can write about an immortal person or knowable reincarnation and force their fears and beliefs about this invention onto fiction, like ‘omg this shit hurts so bad xoxo im angsty and actively self-destructive uwu” but yoon joowon is actually insane in an enjoyable way. she’s fun to watch and rarely tense, a welcome freshness from someone like “omniscent reader’s perspective”’s joonghyuk’s oversaturated depression.

from the beginning, joowon is portrayed as uncomfortably comfortable, secretive, and clever. she scares a rich, entitled child just because it could turn out to be fucking funny for her. and literally she says that throughout all her experiences, she’s learned the best thing is money... she’s ready for her cushy 18th life... but she’s gonna scar an impressionable child first maybe. despite that, she is extremely kind in her own way and is careful not to overstep boundaries. though intelligent and experienced, she knows she lacks knowledge in certain areas. joowon genuinely enjoys life and being with those she loves... she doesnt worry about mortality or anything, bc she knows it doesnt matter in the long scheme anyways, the difference between them is wide enough without her actively pushing it. she will remember and carry them in her memory and that’s enough. however, as children, she lets seoha gather these misunderstandings about her for fun and watches him unravel them in horror and then affection... and then she grows fond of him enough to passionately chase after him when the distance between them widens later on

the chemistry between the main leads is palpable and believable; their infatuation grows into sincere care, and the characters learn to recognize each other as people exceeding the former’s initial expectations, i.e. seoha grows up in many different ways while joowon isnt there and she gives him space so they can both interpret each other as essentially new people, while also reminding him her shoulder is there for him to lean on. each interaction between them is careful but open... joowon acts only within the boundaries she and seoha have taught each other, and they slowly expand them as they grow closer. she’s still mischievous in her own way, and seoha is, at times, naive as he was as a child, especially with her. they are v much their own ppl, though i’d argue that joowon is the stronger and more stable of the two of them, but that’s to be expected and joowon always acts with this in mind.

i loved hye lee’s “a good day to be a dog” too, but “in this life” is in another ballpark entirely... like somehow she took all the good parts (the relationship’s growth, characters as their own ppl, apt humor, pretty girls with interesting personalities, a good balance of humor and introspective content) from her last work and reshuffled them so they work even better. like i love this series so badly ive written this post in my head for months but only now have the courage to write it out. i am constantly in the between of wanting to share this manhwa and hoarding it so no one else can see... no one would ask me this, but if i had a choice between which should survive, i would push “a good day to be a dog” down a cliff for “in this life.” i love this series so badly that even if i didnt have to resort to violence in an imaginary scenario, i would still commit murder just to ensure the survival of “in this life”

[dear-yandere]

As a none English speaker, your writings have made me learned so many new words!! Like seriously, my vocabulary has expanded so much😂 I’m sorry if this sounds weird 😓

this doesn’t sound weird at all!!! this makes me incredibly happy to hear, actually! i’m monolingual, and even i think that english is a difficult language to grasp; i still learn new words all the time! i’m happy to help!

anon 2: your tenacity and variety of work is v inspiring!one fanfic writer to another!

thank you!!! i really enjoy writing, and when i’m on a roll (aka not on writer’s block like i am now), i can pump out fic after fic! i’m happy to hear that they have variety, ‘cause sometimes my writing all sounds to same to me!

@dragoninthemoonlight​ said: First so sorry to take your time up, second Rohan is just uuunnnnggggg, I don't know why but he's got me feeling some kinda way. I'm so sorry, hope to have a great day/night. ~ a socially akward dragon

🥺my darlings could never “take my time up”, and it’s okay to be awkward (i am too!!!) 

and you’re right...rohan is just... chef’s kiss. i don’t even know why i like him so much -- i’d be butting heads with him irl considering how he treats people. but he has a soft spot, i’m sure of it... must be why people like tsunderes so much, now that i think about it!

someone said: hi,,, omg im just swooning over your giorno scenarios, especially tentazione ;-; it was so well written and i really enjoyed every single word just like the others! i was wondering if you would maybe address the aftermath-did they finally fall in love, does he slowly unrestrict her boundaries etc? also, your collab with ddarker-dreams was so good... ugh... just, thank you so much for your work!!!!!

omg i accidentally deleted this ask without looking at the username so i could tag you in this response :( !!! i hope you still see this!

;; tentazione was a favorite to write... lock has a knack for building the scene perfectly and making it very slow, and i like to make things poetic, flowery, and sensual! it was fun combining my writing style with hers, especially since they mesh together so well! for the aftermath, we intentionally left it ambiguous so you could decide what you envision happening, but lock and i do have slightly different interpretations! 

lock says she imagines giorno and darling being a little distant after but maybe warming up some, and a lot of darling being internally conflicted about hurting giorno / trying to escape yet not taking the opportunity to leave while she still had it! 

personally, i imagined things just won't be the same, and giorno would treat darling differently. he’s more strict, distant, and business-like -- gone is the man who so readily opened up to darling. their relationship as a whole just won’t be the same. giorno strikes me as a man who’s always had trouble opening up, so i doubt he’ll make that mistake again when even his lover hurt him like that! you could say darling and giorno were falling in love before the events of tentazione, but any chances of them loving each other without guilt is now gone. but again, it’s entirely up to you!!

[notthatiwilleverwriteit]

thanks for ur as always deepful analyses and answers ! another ask for u : im soo afraid in the next chapter momo will be homophobic towards ht !! I mean except Zzx who seems at ease with his sexuality, the other boys all seem kind of homophobic. Jy called ht repulsive bc he called him pretty while he was a guy, Ht is very agressive in his advances (which i linked to toxic virility which entails homophobia) ; then both of them changed for the better bc of their feelings for another man. 1/?

Good evening, dear anon-san!

“thanks for ur as always deepful analyses and answers !”

I’m glad you’ve enjoyed them! Every time people send me questions it always makes me happy and to be honest, a bit taken aback because I’m just a little old me. But I’m glad my answers have had such a positive reception and given people food for thought. And it’s always a pleasant surprise when people feel like they can come to my ask box with their interpretations and strike up a conversation.

Homophobia is a very complex topic, and I wondered where I should start to unravel this ask. But soon I realized before I can even begin that I have to take a moment to sort out my own feelings. Whenever people say the boys in 19 Days are abusive or homophobic for whatever reason I tend to get ticked off. It’s a knee-jerk reaction, often sparked by my own bias, but something that can very easily cloud my answer and make it unfair for you. Exchanging interpretations and perspectives requires a level of objectivity and the ability to rise above your own bias. I can’t dismiss something just because it uncomfortably pokes my nerve. Instead, I should take a step back, try and see things from another point of view, and find some common ground.

I’m not saying I had to struggle to agree with you on anything but your ask certainly reminded me of how challenging yet rewarding it is to actually listen to an interpretation that differs from my own and try to objectively look at the story from that point of view. It hurts your brain at first but is surprisingly freeing in the end.

Because you addressed so many things in your ask, I will tie my answer together under the theme of homophobia and give it some structure that way. This will be my great 19 Days - homophobia edition. \(^v^)/

Sexual orientation and environment

Let’s start with the biggest context you brought up in your ask: social and cultural environment. I’m not familiar enough with Chinese culture to have anything definite to say about its attitude towards LGBT people. Of course, I’ve heard of the discrimination and even blatant hate by their government but I don’t have any idea about how ordinary, modern-day Chinese people view others with different sexual orientations. Not to mention, it’s always risky to take fictional works as an accurate representation of the milieu in which they’re set.

But I do think that 19 Days discusses homophobia in societies, though on a more general level. As Jian Yi has come to realize his feelings towards Zhan Zheng Xi, we’ve also gotten glimpses of his struggles. They’re surrounded by other kids in school, and from the very early chapters it’s been implied two guys being that close together or comfortable with that level of skinship turns people’s heads (ch. 53, 54, 55, and 57):

Of course, those panels also poke fun at the stereotype of girls being interested in cute guys being cute together. The girls stare, take pictures, and even smile knowingly. This bothered ZZX because it put him in awkward situations and created misunderstandings that would be embarrassing to correct. And the more he would try to deny and correct them, the more he would probably end up looking suspicious. But the bottom line is, he was increasingly conscious of the weird looks and attention JY’s antics were attracting and didn’t want people to get the wrong picture of his friendship with JY. All of that could give us some hints on how two boys being close might be viewed by their peers, but it should also be kept in mind that those kinds of “gay panic” moments are a big part of the humor you find in 19 Days.

Having a crush on someone of the same gender gets more serious tones after JY kissed ZZX (ch. 142)

The secret was finally out in the open. JY had carried his feelings in his heart for a long time. He had wanted to confess them so many times and often hidden them behind jokes and antics. Perhaps every time he had jumped to hug ZZX he had caught a whiff of his scent and enjoyed the feeling of him in his arms. But to take the definite last step of confessing and lifting that curtain had always terrified him. And who wouldn’t have been scared? Not only would you have to come out but also risk losing your childhood best friend. It could be JY had even thought of never telling ZZX about his feelings because it could go horribly wrong.

For a while, things are somewhat put on pause after the first reveal which I found very realistic. JY wasn’t flat-out rejected but ZZX most definitely needed a moment to sort out his own feelings. He pestered JY to be straight with him (pun not intended...) and made it clear it would be safe for JY to rely on him and free himself of the burden. Despite that JY was still very unsure if his confession won’t result in ZZX abandoning him because “gay” is abnormal and disgusting (ch. 164):

Even when JY finally confessed he was expecting to be rejected in disgust (ch. 209):

But he had sort of reached the point of just finally getting it all out even if ZZX wouldn’t return his feelings. Even if it meant they wouldn’t be friends anymore. At least he had said it. He had heartbreakingly little faith that their kind of relationship wouldn’t be completely doomed. Thank god he had fallen for someone like ZZX. I don’t think I’ve never been as grateful for a character like him before.

A tangible example of how Zhanyi and their environment collided was Xiao Hui’s character (ch. 158):

When she called JY a disgusting gay, it was the first time he was facing that kind of homophobia. Though her actions were frustrating, I think Xiao Hui’s character was a good addition to Zhanyi. At first, she lashed out both because she was hurt and publicly humiliated but also no doubt because she had internalized the idea that heterosexuality was the norm and anything else was abnormal and wrong. Later on, she had had time to lick her wounds and calm down (ch. 258):

She still has a crush on ZZX but even though she probably realizes she doesn’t have a chance she still wants a clear rejection from ZZX. It still hurts and stings but doesn’t upset her as much. It could even be she’s a little happy for them. I think Xiao Hui’s character is a good example that people are capable of changing and reflecting when they’re given a chance. And no one should be forever held accountable and punished for the mistakes they made and have since bettered themselves.

In a broader sense, I think Zhanyi also discusses what kind of future a same-sex couple could have in society (ch. 268):

That drawing on the wall is my favorite Zhanyi moment. As cute as ZZX drawing him and JY together was, it also carries some bittersweet undertones. The original drawing represents the norm: a boy and a girl in love but if there are no skirts involved, it’s a whole other story. To be open about their relationship would most probably never be an option for JY and ZZX. Something as simple as holding hands in public would take courage and threaten to complicate other aspects of their lives (school, work, family). They don’t have the same privilege as straight people to openly and safely share their feelings and have that universal experience.

Your ask was mainly about Mo Guan Shan and He Tian, but I wanted to take a moment to talk about their environment since you also referred to it. And the easiest way for that seemed to be to talk about the progress of Zhanyi. As you suggested, it does seem the society in which all of the characters live is very much heteronormative which puts pressure on the characters to fit in. And if they fail that, they will face homophobia and most probably feel the need to hide their true selves. Case in point, Zhanyi.

Boys being boys

As much as I know that phrase is deemed Problematic™ these days, I think it fits the dynamics of the boys of 19 Days. They mess with each other, and all of that is typical humor for the comic. Personally, I’ve never taken any of their teasing and good-natured bullying seriously because it’s how 15-year-old boys are around each other.

However, I just finished talking about the environment under which influences and discourses the boys have grown up. I don’t feel like I can ignore what I had just been saying and brush it off as “oh well, they’re just boys” if they’ve always been surrounded by certain attitudes. Does that mean the boys have also internalized those attitudes towards gay people despite having feelings for someone of the same sex? Does that make them a representation of toxic masculinity and internalized homophobia?

In all honesty, I’m struggling to answer those questions. On one hand, I do agree that society’s norms of what is masculine put a lot of pressure on boys when growing up. You have to act, talk, dress, and be in a certain way to be accepted, and it doesn’t take a lot for kids to internalize those ideas. And as you said, acting or looking gay (not to mention, actually being one) is probably the worst a young boy could be. Being gay is often linked to everything a proper man shouldn’t be: sissy, effeminate, sensitive, weak, submissive, on the bottom. The list goes on and on.

On the other hand, do I think you can see that in the four main boys of 19 Days? I suppose it’s possible if that’s the direction you want to take. If you look at anything through those lenses, you can probably find toxic masculinity everywhere. Do I think HT, MGS, JY and ZZX are homophobic because they possibly showcase traits of toxic masculinity? I guess. I don’t know. I see where that interpretation comes from, but some part of my brain never manages to make the full connection between those two. I’m constantly having a feeling that my way of thinking differs from your interpretation but I can’t properly validate or argue my opinions.

Perhaps taking a look at the examples you mentioned might help. You talked about JY being homophobic when this was his response to HT calling him good looking (ch. 108):

I can’t exactly deny that panel couldn’t be taken as toxic masculinity. I might even agree with you on that. I wouldn’t probably go as far as saying JY was being homophobic but it does seem like his masculinity was threatened or questioned in that situation. Interestingly, I’ve seen that phrase pop up a lot in yaoi/shounen-ai comics. Characters who are in a gay relationship don’t often feel comfortable with guys complimenting them - or even the guy they’re in love with. I’ve always wondered that. Does that mean there’s a level of self-denial in those characters or is it just a cultural thing? Does it embarrass them?

In general, I think all of that has to do with their age, and another good example of that would be ZZX and JY’s reaction to HT messing with MGS (ch. 289 and 298):

I’ve seen people calling those moments homophobic as well and can’t really agree with them. I would say those reactions have more to do with teenage boys being awkward and embarrassed. HT putting the moves on MGS in front of them is embarrassing and something they don’t wish to see. I mean, I wouldn’t want to see my friends constantly acting like that around me either. Seeing public displays of affection embarrasses me and makes me awkward as hell. (Though, I don’t know if that’s just a Finnish thing...)

In short, I see a lot of how the boys act around each other just natural to how teenage boys are. They mess with each other and standing up for yourself in that sense (for example, getting revenge, being physical, or returning the verbal teasing) is important and typical. That’s how I see JY’s words in the example you mentioned: he felt like HT was messing with him and shot back. All of that could, of course, be seen as internalized toxic masculinity, but I don’t think it’s quite as blatant as people sometimes make it out to be. I’ve always taken it as boys just being boys and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.

What comes to HT being pushy and overbearing, I don’t see that being connected to toxic masculinity and making him homophobic because of that. It feels a bit of a stretch and shakey. Instead, I actually think HT is quite comfortable with both of his own feelings for MGS and the idea of same-sex relationships in general (ch. 187):

The little heart-to-hearts JY and HT occasionally have also show us that despite often making fun of each other, they can take it more seriously when needed. JY would have never asked about having feelings for another male if he couldn’t trust HT wouldn’t make fun of him.

The case of Mo Guan Shan

You talked a lot about MGS, so I thought I’d take a closer look at his character separately. You made some interesting points I’ve also been thinking about and was glad they popped up in your ask.

Since we’ve talked about toxic masculinity so far, let’s continue on that. You mentioned that MGS is prone to homophobia because he’s had to act tough. Upholding a certain kind of image is essential in gangs. Being weak and submissive - aka gay, as I talked about above - isn’t an option in that line of work.

I agree with you on all of that. Why MGS is so uncomfortable with HT being physical with him is at least partly because he can’t come across as someone who can be taken advantage of (ch. 250):

If he can be physically overpowered and made vulnerable, it means he can be submitted. In the masculine world, physical strength seems to be the final and ultimate law that settles all the disputes at the latest. And if you lose in that you’re on the bottom or at least lower on the hierarchy. Now, multiply that mentality by a lot to fit it in the world of teenage gangs and the borderline criminal underworld. So, yes, I would most definitely say MGS doesn’t want himself to be put in that situation. Much less anyone finding out about it.

Then again, the story has kind of revisited that idea when HT “joined” MGS’s gang and his underlings started seeing HT around more. And they seem somewhere between intimidated by HT and impressed their boss has managed to make someone like HT call him “brother”. That fits the same mentality of strength, but I can’t honestly see Buzzcut or other members of the gang giving MGS a hard time even if they found out about HT’s affections. Chances are, they would be even more impressed, bless them.

Overall, I think MGS lashing out (or being homophobic) is mostly due to him not trusting HT and HT slowly but surely wearing him out and making him see his own prejudice against people like HT. Yelling out insults has been the easiest way to fight HT’s affections, although it’s not proven very successful. It’s also important to remember MGS is fairly inexperienced when it comes to love and romantic affection (ch. 222):

He’s always been rejected and discriminated by his peers and over the years, he’s started to mirror that behavior and push people away. Having crushes (let alone having a girlfriend) has never really been a concern for him. And it’s not like he’s had time for something like romance anyway because working has taken so much of his time. In this regard, MGS isn’t that mature or experienced and tends to get uncomfortable and lash out very quickly.

I’ve already talked about the note and what kind of role I think it will have (if it will be addressed at all). And I’m not really worried about MGS saying something homophobic to HT. I think we’re way past of him being like “I don’t speak to a homo” at this point already. He’s been aware of HT’s affections for a good while by now and even tentatively warmed up to some of it (for example, the aquarium date and the studs). (Even though, I think it’s still too early to talk about MGS being in love with HT.)

MGS has come a long way, and I might even say he’s gained some sexuality-related maturity on the way. Slowly but surely, he’s become comfortable with having HT around, and if after all this development he would say something like that, it would be a pretty big step backward. Of course, that doesn’t mean he can’t throw insults and lash out but let’s not forget we’re talking about a purebred tsundere here. That’s always going to happen with him.

And while we’re keeping it real, it’s not like HT would pay any mind to those insults. After MGS asked for the studs, I think HT’s resolve has only strengthened.

I hope this answer makes some sense, to me it feels like a bit of a mess of this and that. A lof of “I can’t deny that but still...” You really threw some hard questions and challenged my thinking a lot. Thank you!

[kouhaiofcolor]

Confession: my adopted “aunt” is one year older than me & as kids she used to make fun of me for not knowing how to do my hair. i was an outspoken kid & would be rude back, but whenever i did things adults used to say that i “go too far.” now that i’m 20 & she’s 21, whenever i see her, she still bullies me & get away w it from other family members. so i limited the amount of times i see her. as i gotten older, i now understand how to take care of my hair. i recently noticed that she’s veryyy insecure w her hair type (4c) & cried in front of me bc her hair wasn’t cooperating w her on this particular day. she basically told me that she’s jealous of my hair (3c & some 3b), but she’s still is so rude & bullies me bc of my hair. i have NEVER done it, but whenever she’s rude to me i want to throw it in her face that she is insecure about her hair, etc. the only thing that i holding me back is that other family members w that hair type will think that i don’t like 4c hair & that i’m anti-black.

Not that you asked for my interpretation, but I think your aunt's behavior should have been corrected when you guys were young, bc obviously your family just passively putting the blame on you for her teasing enabled her to continue doing it into her adulthood. I think avoiding her may have been a good temporary fix, but ofc it can't go on forever. Your aunt needs to grow up, im just gonna put it like that. Still antagonizing you as an adult (esp if its got anything to do w your hair), is childish. There'll never be a good enough instance for your family to confront her ab it given how long they've been defending her, so I definitely think it's up to you if she's always singling you out. I think there's a way to do it w/o being antiblack ab it tho as far as your concern goes. I mean she can't treat you like crap, but feel like she can open up to you ab being envious of the v same things she usually demeans you for — just to turn around & still be meanspirited ab the whole thing. Thats manipulative & uncalled for. Have you tried just outright asking her why her microaggressions are so personal to you? Or just what her deal is? Where it stems from? :o