#this is just acknowledging that sometimes his actions have negative consequences on the boys

[turtleblogatlast]

JUST SAYING-

Moments like this probably don’t help. Little things can pile up for a kid, y’know?

I think about Leo’s “I’m your least favorite” comment to Splinter in “Down with the Sickness” a lot. It’s likely just a throwaway comment, a way to get Splinter to leave him alone before Leo gets sick too, but I can’t help but wonder if Leo believes it on some level.

Obviously it’s not true, Splinter loves him as much as he loves the others, but…it wouldn’t be shocking if Leo believed otherwise. After all, just in “Many Unhappy Returns” alone, Splinter has, with no hesitation, said comments like “my other sons would have taken this seriously” and “I knew I should’ve brought purple”, said “no” to Leo’s “I love you”, and pretty blatantly didn’t extend any trust in Leo’s plan even after Leo was fairly effortlessly defeating their opponents.

It was only after, when they’d already won, that Splinter finally gives him a “it was all you my son!” And…that’s basically it. Raph is the one who announces his trust in Leo. Not their father, even though Splinter is the one to witness Leo lowering his walls for once (which Splinter doesn’t react well too, because Leo only lowers his walls in the most hectic of times, and because he lowers them only then, either no one is around or no one is in the right state of mind to respond properly, leading to Leo building his walls back up, and the cycle continues.)

Again, it’s not because Splinter doesn’t love Leo, but Leo…can’t be feeling too good about all that. The way he never reacted surprised about any of Splinter’s words too…

He may know that Splinter loves them all, as a group, but individually…I don’t think Leo believes he ranks all that high with that love. Gives another meaning to “I’m nothing without my brothers” huh?

(Of course, I’m willing to bet the invasion changed that understanding, but with that comes the potential misunderstanding that his father’s outright love is tied to Leo sacrificing himself.)

[fireemblems24]

Crimson Flower Review

This is a long one guys. 

For a bit of context about this review. I didn't play Crimson Flower first. I played all 4 routes first, beating them back-to-back one in-game "week" at a time. I've realized in the fandom that knowing someone's route order is sometimes taken into consideration, so I wanted to share that. 

Oh, boy. I think the length of this review says a lot about Crimson Flower. Unfortunately, a lot of what's below is fairly negative, but that's mostly because I'm so upset at what this route could've been. Ultimately, I believe bad noise is better than no noise at all, and, say what you want about CF, but it makes a LOT of noise - good and bad - for better or worse. 

Crimson Flower wants to tell a story similar to Kingdom or Legend of the Galactic Heroes where a character, dissatisfied with the injustice of the world, decides to amend that by taking everything over and fixing it themselves. It flips the usual script where the person wanting to acquire power through violent conquest is little more than a cackling villain who kicks puppies as a hobby and turns said character into an ideologically motivated one, furious at injustice rather than seeking personal gain. However, Crimson Flower really misses the mark on its execution due to the confines of current Fire Emblem's storytelling abilities, how it often undermines itself, and also because it lacks what I'm now calling the three Cs of storytelling: conflict, consequences, and character development. 

Crimson Flower is too ambitious for Fire Emblem's current limitations, a point I'll touch on again in my upcoming Azure Moon review too. In order for CF to work, you have to believe in the change Edelgard's going to make. The problem is that Fire Emblem isn't a game that easily includes the political theory required to tell this story to its fullest extent or to tactfully handle aspects of this plotline like blatant imperialism and nationalism. Concrete details are dropped here and there in scattered supports, and, honestly, all of Edelgard's plans are terrible. From acknowledging that she never considered inequality to giving all the power to one person, these details only convince me she has no idea what she's doing. With Fire Emblem's current structure, I'm not sure there is a way for it to handle politics all that well, which makes me wonder why they added these details in the first place. 

CF also ends way too early for stories like this. And, no, I don't mean her killing TWSITD. Yes, that's a necessary catharsis totally missing too, but what I also mean here is the complete lack of the aftereffects of her actions. CF thinks they can end it with King Louis XVI getting his head lopped off or the British squatting in India and call it a day. It ends with TWSITD unresolved, a violent aggressor forcing herself on cultures who never wanted her to lead them, and a continent suffering through five years of non-stop warfare she also forced on them. You can't just pretend everything's magically resolved after Rhea dies and that Edelgard only needed to work for another five or ten years before skipping through flower fields with Byleth and expect me to take this story seriously.  At the same time, there's no real way for Fire Emblem, with its current structure, to realistically deal with any of this. 

There are, though, also major failings in CF's writing that have nothing to do with Fire Emblem's structure not really allowing for some of what CF's plotline demands. It severely undermines itself, creates bizarre mood whiplashes, and is desperately lacking in conflict, consequences, and character development.  

CF often undermines itself with its complete lack of nuance. Everything is far too convenient, simplified, and portrayed as very black and white. Killing Rhea solves the systematic abuse of power and everyone is peaches and cream about getting their nation invaded according to the ending cards. Rhea's an evil monster who hates humanity, Dimitri's a vengenance-driven murder machine, and Claude's scretly hoping to take over Fodlan himself. None of the legitimate grievances of Edelgard's antagonists are considered so the player never has to never feel potentially bad about what they're doing. And when what you're doing is textbook imperialism, that's a bit uncomfortable, especially when the country writing the story has yet to acknowledge their imperialistic past. This is a stark difference from the nuanced and sympathetic treatment Edelgard gets when she's the antagonist. Edelgard opines about all the blood on her hands with no thoughts about who is doing the bleeding. CF acts like there's no real cost to war because nothing lost is given any value in CF's writing, despite also wanting to act like Edelgard's made hard choices and sacrificing oh so much for the good of all (despite actually losing nothing). CF seems almost afraid of anything resembling self-reflection and opts for borderline hilarious lines screaming in neon letters "Edelgard good, everyone else bad! Please don't look behind the curtain." For a route that flirts with the idea of tackling systematic change and engages in imperialism 101, this is all incredibly disappointing and feels more like an angsty teenager's first anti-government/religion wish fulfillment wattpad fic than a story with depth. 

This white/black treatment of Edelgard vs everyone else undermines the very core of the story CF is trying to tell. It wants the player to simultaneously believe Edelgard is taking the road to hell to rescue everyone else while treating that road like a quick stroll through a sunny forest because it doesn't want you, the self-insert, to feel potentially bad. This issue, both wanting a "morally grey" story but without ever letting the player feel bad, is an issue with most routes, but is felt the hardest in CF.  

As a result of CF's unwillingness to engage with nuance at risk of making the player feel sad, there is a noticable lack of conflict, consequences, and character development. In CF, you take the biggest, baddest, richest country and curb-stomp everyone. Edelgard nor Byleth nor anyone else ever stops to question or disagree on anything. Nothing of value is lost. Everyone you mow down is secretly awful. There's no interesting conflict anywhere in this route. Likewise, there's no consequences. Edelgard can threaten to kill her classmates, hire known serial killers, tell everyone her enemies took actions her "allies" actually did, and never come clean to either Byleth or the Black Eagles about - well - anything, and everyone just nods along like drones. It's like CF forgot the Flame Emperor existed, because Byleth and the Black Eagles certainly do. It's impossible to invest in this route's storyline when the interesting actions characters take go nowhere. 

Because this route desperately lacks conflict and consequences, none of the characters are really allowed to grow or develop. Characters like Ferdinand and Petra seem set up for mini-storylines of their own, but do absolutely nothing. Byleth and Hubert agree with everything Edelgard does with no conflicting interests, debates, or questions. Even Edelgard gets very little development and seems barely different from the young woman in the prologue, except now she's not lying to Byleth - I guess. She has opened up to you and only you, self-insert, while Hubert's impact on her life is disregarded because only you, self-insert, ever really supported and understood her. 

Overall, CF was a massive disappointment. If it had the guts to follow through on some things, it maybe could've been my favorite route. In the hands of writers less concerned with self-insert pandering and willing to "go there," it would've had a vastly different review and ranked among my favorite stories in Fire Emblem's franchise. Instead, we get a shallow and uninteresting let down. 

[flickeringart]

Planets in the 8th House

Like all the watery houses, the 8th house is mysterious and potent, yet it’s difficult to fully get a grasp of. The area of life that this house represents are usually summarized by worn out key words; death, transformation, regeneration, rebirth, sex, shared finances, the occult, hidden complexes, power struggles, trauma, crisis and the list goes on… from these words one gathers that the 8th is not a light-hearted sphere of life – it signifies struggle and emotional intensity. Having planets in the 8th, strong Pluto or Scorpio influence usually revolves around the same themes – paranoia, the striving for control and a tendency to keep things private and buried in order to sustain power.

I’m not going to discuss the difference of having strong Scorpio-Pluto placements vs. having planets in the 8th house in this post, but since the sign, planet and house are linked and are symbolic of the same themes, there’s a lot of overlap that is to be expected.

A person with planet(s) in the 8th will not act out the planetary principles consciously. Usually, the energy is felt through their aura, quiet but evident, as if the planet makes its presence known without revealing itself. For example, someone with Venus in the 8th might not openly declare affection and love, except in the most intimate of settings, but it’s unquestionably there. Picture the goddess of love living within a person as a body of water. She is there, but she is slippery and unable to manifest through conscious expression in daily life. The reason for planets in the 8th house “hiding” usually has something to do with fear of losing control, of exposing something taboo and risky that could have dire consequences.  We see this phenomenon in movies all the time – a person isn’t conscious of the fact the he or she is in love with a person but it’s obvious to everyone else – this would be typical of Venus in the 8th. One doesn’t dare to express it because it would alter the way of things, it would violate the sense of self-control and expose one’s vulnerability. Pain accompanies planets in the 8th, however benefic, because they impose themselves on the person and puts everything on the line. It’s a little bit like opening Pandora’s box – one can never go back to how things were before one fell in love, yet one resists the power with which one is pulled into a relationship. Even Venus and Jupiter, the most “positive” planets are operating in a way that makes the person feel out of control. Sure, it’s probably more positive to be invaded by love and abundance than anything else, but it can still be shocking and fearful to a person that doesn’t want to acknowledge the autonomy of the planet and has put up rigid defenses against it, only to have them be shattered. In the case of Venus in the 8th, personal love and affection is very private and usually has some kind of trauma or complex tied up with it. Looking at astrotheme’s database of people with Venus in the 8th , Miley Cyrus pops up at the top of the page with this placement. In some of her more personal songs, lyrics hint to her being afraid of love and intimacy. Even in her famous song “Wrecking Ball” she sings about falling under love’s spell and slowly seeing a relationship turn to “ashes on the ground”. If this isn’t typical symbolism of transformation through love I don’t know what is.

With the Moon in the 8th house, the person doesn’t openly express emotion – the emotions erupt volcanically from time to time, and it’s very uncomfortable for the person because there’s a feeling of being exposed and threatened that accompanies this release. Because of the fear that is tied up with emotion, the person might show dislike and defensiveness when faced with other people’s emotional expressions and needs. Sigmund Freud had his Moon in the 8th, which is very telling. He was obviously interested in uncovering the complexes behind certain reactions, presumably because he didn’t feel himself to be in control of his own emotions and inner life. He was certainly motivated to transform and free himself and his clients of the tight grip of the unconscious patterns of the 8th house. He explored the underlying mechanisms of repression, formulated the Oedipus complex and postulated the existence of libido – sexual energy with which the mental processes are invested. The Moon’s placement in the 8th would point to deeply rooted emotional and possibly sexual ties with the mother. The Oedipus complex is after all a desire for sexual involvement with the opposite sex and the presence of repressed incestuous instincts. Freud noted that he had wanted to marry his mother as a child to rival with the father and understood that it must be a universal principle among all boys in all cultures. This has not been thoroughly empirically proven, but it’s certainly reveals something about Freud’s own psychology. In any case with Moon in the 8th, the emotional and instinctual nature is accompanied with a sense of it being taboo and shameful. The emotional nature is experienced to be powerful beyond personal control.

Mercury in the 8th is a another story. Mercury is the planet of communication, thinking and deductive reasoning. When looking up people with this placement, it seems to me that it is common among people who speak up about uncomfortable topics, that which would be considered “risky business” to talk about. Prince Harry has this placement and he has been very open recently about his mental health struggles. Emma Watson has this placement and she has been an advocate for feminism and equality – preaching and advocating strongly with emotional investment when giving the famous UN speech in 2014. Lana Del Rey has this placement and she writes lyrics based on her own personal experiences, not shying away from dark topics like death, heartbreak, destructive and passionate relationships. It seems as if Mercury in this house gives the person a propensity for talking and thinking about that which in uncomfortable, for revealing difficult power-imbalances and dynamics taking place within the psyche. There’s usually a feeling of being cautious of what one reveals, of sitting on information that holds emotional power and that involves other people. With any planet in this house there’s a strong impulse to be aware of other people, in case of Mercury it’s what other people know and don’t know, what they say and don’t say. Mercury in the 8th might be indicative of a person who is controlled by what other people say and feels at the mercy of other people’s opinions – positively and negatively. The narratives and stories of other people might merge with the person on a deep level and fuel one’s own opinions. One might be exposed to challenging, discriminative and harmful opinions, even indoctrinated in them. When speaking one’s mind, one might have to summon a lot of bravery because more than likely there’s a bit of a chokehold that is being felt and effort that is required to break free from deeply instilled thought patterns. This placement could be indicative of a person that likes to think and communicate about deep and taboo topics, reveal and keep secrets.

With Mars in the 8th, one simple interpretation would be “someone who is prone to experience physical violence in intimate relationships”. Either one is the victim of it or the perpetrator, perhaps even a bystander or a protector. The violence, albeit linked to physical action, might just manifest in the form of acting without another’s best interest in mind. There’s usually a sense of being at the mercy of other people’s actions with this placement, but also of having no conscious control over one’s own motivations for doing things, one’s own drive to make things happen. Princess Diana had this placement, conjunct Pluto-Uranus, and she was far from feeling in absolute control of her direction in life. With Pluto-Mars the drive is buried and tied up with the primal survival instinct and latent rage. Her relationship with Prince Charles was anything but smooth and she felt like a victim to greater forces (Pluto-Uranus) making her act in a way that was, most certainly, driven by emotional complexes and not out of conscious will. She also behaved in a way with her compulsive eating and independent streak that was not favorably looked upon. J.F. Kennedy also had this placement, he too had difficulties on the relationship front, mostly because he had a compulsive sexual drive and had a lot of extramarital affairs. This is typical of Mars in the 8th being tied up with emotional complexes – he couldn’t stick to his wife; he had to prove himself and his masculinity through conquering women (he has Jupiter conjunct his Mars and we all know how faithful Jupiter was in mythology). His sexual appetite caused moral problems among the Secret Service agents who were employed to smuggle women in and out of the White House. His behavior was altogether inappropriate but somehow he survived politically as it was kept in the shadows. Diana certainly had her own extramarital affairs as well, perhaps to revenge Charles for his strong tie with Camilla and subsequent declining interest in their marriage. Mars in the 8th is undoubtedly indicative of action taken out of the need to retain emotional integrity, sometimes with unfavorable consequences. Notably, both Diana and J.F. Kennedy died suddenly, Diana in a car accident and J.F. Kennedy through assassination by a bullet. The 8th house is the house of death, and Mars here usually indicates a violent and sudden strike of “fate”.

Last but not least, let’s take a look at the Sun in the 8th house. The same people who shows up when searching for Mercury, Mars and even Venus, also have the Sun in this house; J.F. Kennedy, Lana Del Rey, Emma Watson and Prince Harry, which is not surprising considering that the inner planets never stray too far from the Sun. The Sun represents the ego, the sense of self-knowledge and self-awareness. The Sun is representative of the conscious center of the personality. This suggests that the people with this placement are painfully aware of death and violation, of the destructive nature of reality. While the Moon in the 8th might indicate that emotional reactions or lack thereof stem from deep seated autonomous complexes rooted in survival, the Sun might indicate a sense of self and self-expression that stems from the difficulties and hardships one has gone through. This placement can be understood in the sentiment “who am I without my trauma?”. There’s the tendency to identify with the ordeals of one’s life and how one overcame them (or didn’t). This dynamic is evident in all the people listed at the top of this paragraph. Prince Harry being a very obvious one that people make fun of nowadays – he’s coming out as a survivor of past down ancestral trauma, attempting to work through and shine a light on his personal struggles growing up within the Royal Family, attempting to separate himself from the curses of unconscious programming. Lana Del Rey certainly enjoys identifying and expressing the darker side of herself, illuminating the theme of death and emotional hardship in her songs. Emma Watson also seems to identify with the hurt and injustice present in the world and is a spokesperson for collective movements (Sun in the 8th, Leo in the 11th). J.F. Kennedy has the same Sun –Leo house setup as Emma, channeling his experience of personal hardships into his career and public life. In a sense, people who want to appeal to the masses and make a change on a large scale must be personally invested enough to fuel the movement. In the case of the 8th house being involved with Kennedy and Watson, they might feel as if their sense of self is dictated by other people’s values or that they would have to fight to remain in control of their sense of self. As the Sun relates to the father, the father figure might’ve been quite controlling, demanding and dominant. If the Moon in the 8thsays something about a mother complex, the Sun in the 8thdefinitely says something about a father complex.

[moonlightdancer26]

want to rec

The die is cast (alea iacta est)

i'm not entirely sure you'll like it

i'd say it was perfect except it's a little critical of ron and snape

(not what i'd call bashing but i'm not sure how un-positive you're ok with the fic being)

it's a non-voldemort war au

j!ly had 3 kids

an older boy named charles

harry at his canon age

and then a little girl a year or two under him

it also has charles and dorea as j@mes' parents since the blacks are important to the story

it's very critical of j@mes

it's doesn't feel out of character

j@mes' obsession with "the dark" and his ego feel like canon things that could have developed without the war to focus on

dumbledore is also feeding into it with riddle going legal and becoming the minister his belief that the dark are completely evil and want to kill muggle borns feels irrational but are canon behaviors without the war to justify them

l!ly meanwhile feels like one of those ppl who are so concerned with their career that they forget they have children and is constantly justifying j@mes' worse behavior

like j@mes does something absolutely rage inducing to harry and l!ly lectures harry for making such a big deal out of it

s!r!us is also not great

like he's not as bad as j@mes in his behavior or obsession but he's not great

he's seen as a coward who would prefer to avoid a situation then admit that he was wrong and argue with someone he cares about

an example is the tree incident

dorea speculates that s!r!us felt guilty immediately

if for no other reason them the effect that this would have on remus

j@mes on the other hand apparently only got involved because if snape died or got hurt then they would have to face consequences for their actions

remus is a bit of a coward who believes the best of dumbledore even when what dumbledore is doing is objectively wrong

like refusing to call the hospital when he has children dying with injuries that a school nurse probably can't heal

also w0lfst@r was a thing but it didn't go well

(it's an interesting look on how unhealthy the ship would be)

hermione is also not coming out great

her canon bossiness, refusal to admit when she's wrong and her seeming beliefs that an entire culture should change to fit her opinion all feel canon

(that last one isn't as bad in canon as the fic but some of the things she says feel like they line up with canon thought)

ron was kinda critical but like he was just a bit of an ass because 1 kids are like that sometimes and 2 he was idolizing j@mes and s!r!us which i'm sure you can guess why he was an ass now

that said shit hits the fan and he seems to stop thinking so highly of j@mes and s!r!us and stops being an ass

snape meanwhile was almost a non entity at first

it was acknowledged that he hated j@mes and wasn't great to harry but a lot of snape's more negative behavior seemed to be focused on charles

(the kid who actually tried to act like j@mes)

until harry and anemone (the little sister) did something to upset l!ly

(which was only because it harmed her reputation)

and then he started being terrible to harry

and he got in trouble with the school board

(which objectively makes sense like if a real teacher said those things they'd be fired so snape getting in trouble does work)

snape and ron themselves though aren't out of character

and it's not like focused bashing so that's why i think even with that you'll potentially like the fic

wait…

That actually sounds so good omg. when you first said it has Ron and Sev bashing I was heartbroken because they’re my two faves, but if 1. they’re portrayed accurately and interestingly (at the end of the day that’s all that really matters to me 💀) 2. Ron changes 3. Snape’s goodness is still there, then I’m willing to put it aside.

I love dark!James so I think I’ll really enjoy this fanfic, thank you so much for the rec, anon!

[ifbrd]

Not Sugar-Coated, ToBecky Critique from a ToBecky Shipper

Let’s talk about Tobecky and it’s toxicity! And for once, let’s not hold back! I think what I’m gonna do for this post is focus on the dynamic they have in the show, mostly criticizing my own misogyny but calling out the fandom in general as well, as I’ve seen other’s do these same things. Later I will reblog it on the Word Up blog and continue my thoughts on the ship and how it affected Word Up.

The first thing I will say is that I am a Tobecky shipper, ever since Tobey’s first shorts when it was revealed he had a crush on WordGirl. I started watching this show as a kid, I would have been 9 or 10 when it started airing on PBS. If I were to get into this show today, however, I don’t think I would be shipping tobecky, because as an adult I can recognize its toxicity which I didn’t have the proper knowledge or understanding to do back in the day. And I think the real reason I still ship today is purely nostalgic. Though I won’t deny that their dynamic is interesting and that likely affects my shipping brain too.

As a kid, I think I shipped it because, well it seemed inevitable. It seemed like the only endgame option. How many romcoms start with a girl liking one boy, only to realize later she should be with a different guy, usually an underdog the audience is supposed to root for. How many romance stories start with the two not liking each other, ranging anywhere from minor annoyances for each other to full-blown enemies, only to later understand it was all a guise to hide their true feelings. It seemed obvious that Becky/WordGirl would end up with not Scoops, whom she had a crush on, but instead Tobey, the underdog she always was fighting or arguing with. Factor in Tobey’s crush, my very underdeveloped ability to think critically, and the fact that the writers in early seasons seemed to really take the time to focus on the potential chemistry between these two (their interactions in “Department Store Tobey” and both of them having a good time together in “Have You Seen the Remote?” etc) and it seemed there was only one boy for Becky to logically end up with.

The first time I can recall really questioning this ship, I mean really questioning it, was sometime in probably my sophomore or freshman year? Maybe my junior year? I recall my health teacher teaching us about healthy vs unhealthy relationships. In this unit, I realized several of my favorite ships across various fandoms were unhealthy but that’s a whole other topic. At one point I remember him giving his two cents about the phrase “opposites attract” when being applied to romance. He said this can be true, but only if the two are “opposites” in personality, and not “opposites” in values. If a couple’s values, their morals, don’t align, they probably aren’t going to make it. And in all honesty, I think Tobey and Becky have the worst possible combination for this.

They have very similar personalities, and while this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it can make it easier for them to encourage their negative traits instead of helping them overcome them. The traits they both share like pridefulness, attention-seeking, and being a bit obsessive, have the potential to be the traits they bring out in each other. The best counter-argument for this is the fact that Becky is willing to and would call Tobey out for everything wrong or ridiculous he does, and try to help him. But that doesn’t matter if Tobey is not willing to listen to her when she calls him out, or accept her help when she offers it and he needs it. And it’s especially worthless if he’s not willing to help her back.

Meanwhile, the biggest weakness for this ship is their opposite values. Their morals couldn’t be more apart from each other. Get these two together for long periods of time and a morality war would easily ensue. And then combined with if their similar personalities do end up bringing the worst in each other, then any relationship they could have would be disastrous.

The worst issues with their pairing all go back to Tobey. I love Tobey as a character, don’t get me wrong, but we need to be honest, and please excuse the language--Tobey is a piece of shit! He is disrespectful to everyone around him, except his mother, and that’s only because he’s scared of her He thinks he’s better than everyone else and has no issues expressing that opinion, even going as far as to try to define words for WordGirl. He goes as far as to belittle her in “Tobey or Consequences” criticizing her word choice. He has been shown on multiple occasions to lose his mind when he doesn’t get exactly what he wants and will do anything to get it, without regard for others’ property, feelings or safety. He’s manipulative as seen in “Tobey Goes Good” and “Have You Seen the Remote.” He’s unwilling to take responsibility for his actions, as demonstrated when he attacks the candy factory for making candy because he got a cavity, instead of realizing that he should have taken better care of his teeth.

And worst of all, despite what he and the audience often believe, he clearly doesn’t give a single shit about WordGirl. If he cared about her he would have acknowledged her disinterest, if he cared about her, he wouldn’t have tried to force Becky into admitting she’s WordGirl in “By Jove, You’ve Wrecked My Robot.” If he cared about her, he wouldn’t have pretended to be good or trick her into spending time with him or forced her to read poems about him. In the Halloween special he thought Violet was WordGirl just because she was wearing a WordGirl costume, failing to acknowledge that Violet is blonde and white and WordGirl is clearly not.

The episode “WordBot” makes it very clear what kind of relationship Tobey wants from WordGirl--and it’s not a relationship. It’s a dynamic where she simply showers him with never-ending adoration and does whatever he wants. Tobey cares about one person and one person only and it’s not WordGirl, it’s himself.

And I’m not even counting “Go Gadget Go” in any of this! That episode put him in such a bad light that most fans pretend it doesn’t exist because his behavior is so inexcusable. And yet even without that episode, we have plenty of toxicity coming from Tobey’s end.

I once saw someone say they hate the tobecky ship because the argument for it often is that Becky will be willing to put up with Tobey when they’re older. First of all, if that’s your argument in tobecky’s favor you need to go take a good hard look at yourself. Becky putting up with Tobey’s messed up behavior is essentially hoping she ends up in a horrible, toxic, unhealthy, relationship that would be borderline abusive if she didn’t stand against him. Secondly, while I don’t deny the existence of this argument, (I once read a fanfic where the two were married but still a hero and villain who battled regularly) I disagree with the idea that this argument is most often used to justify the ship. Instead, the most common argument to justify it is the idea that Tobey has it in him to change. This is certainly a better argument, as Tobey changing is really the only hope for this ship.

But I think it’s really easy for us, myself included, to struggle with the line between finding evidence that Tobey could change vs excusing his actions; the line between finding an explanation for his behavior vs finding an excuse for him. It’s a very easy line to accidentally cross without realizing it. And it really says something when, as discussed in another post, we are not giving other villains like Victoria--who have more of an “excuse” --the same treatment. It’s incredibly misogynistic.

I’m not going to try to argue that Tobey doesn’t have the capability to be good, of course, he does. We can see this in the cute note he leaves in Becky’s backpack in “Trustworthy Tobey” and in the very last moments in the Thanksgiving special, and of course in our favorite example, “It’s Your Party and I’ll Cry if I Want to.” I’m also not saying that Tobey’s actions and psychology aren’t the product of the environment and circumstances he faces daily. Of course having no father figure present, a single mother who is always working, and no friends is going to affect a child. What I want to question is when is Tobey responsible for his own life, choices, and actions? Maybe not now at age 10-11, but what about when he’s 13? 16? 18? 21? 40? Where do we draw that line? I also don’t want to discourage looking for the good in people and characters and thinking critically about how their past and psychology is affecting their actions. I want to encourage that in all characters, not just the boy who happens to have a crush.

And while it’s nice to speculate that Tobey will follow a better path in the future, not so much for tobecky as much as for the betterment of Tobey himself, we need to realize that it’s just speculation. We have no canon proof of where his story goes post-WordGirl. He has his moments of hope but overall this kid has a terrible track record. When it comes to others, Tobey makes terrible choices. And that’s exactly what “going good” will be--a choice--his choice.

I also want to take a moment to talk about something @fromtheplanethexagon said in this amazing post you should totally read because it’s great. They commented on how very few people when writing tobecky fanfics takes the time to explore her perspective of their feelings for each other. Where her feelings originate and why she would like him. This is something I am absolutely guilty of and will be paying attention to in the future. After reading that passage from their post I thought for a while why Becky would like Tobey, and I honestly struggled with it a bit, which shouldn’t be happening if I’m trying to write a healthy tobecky story. That’s all I’ll say on this for now because beyond this I would use Word Up as an example, so I’ll save that for later.

The older I get the more I realized how toxic this ship is. Heck, who knows what I’ll realize about it in the future when I’m even more mature. In the past I’ve tried to convince myself it’s okay I ship it because I never shipped Tobey with WordGirl, I shipped him with Becky. I know they are the same person, but Tobey doesn’t know that, and the dynamics between him and each of her egos are very different. The dynamic between Tobey and WordGirl reminds me of Gideon and Mabel from Gravity Falls. Meanwhile the one between Tobey and Becky reminds me more of the one between Jimmy and Cindy from The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron. That’s better right? Even if just a little bit? Well no, not really, because we all know darn well if Tobey fell for Becky instead of WordGirl he would treat Becky exactly the same as he treats WordGirl. He would ultimately have the same “WordBot esc” expectations. If anything he might try to treat her worse. With WordGirl there is a clear power balance, and while it’s still technically there with Becky, Tobey doesn’t know it’s still there and might try to use that to his advantage.

And to conclude I’d like to add to @fromtheplanethexagon above-mentioned post (here’s the link again, seriously, read it!). Regarding their final thoughts that it’s fine to explore the ship, and it’s fine to explore the unhealthy parts of the ship. But we need to be careful to not glorify the toxicity of the potential pairing.

[kakashi-tsukuyomi]

Hello! Congratulations on 400 followers! It’s very well deserved. 💕 I hope I’m in time to participate in the event, but no worries if not. I ship myself with the man himself, Naruto! I’m an ENTP, and overall a very optimistic, creative, curious, and ambitious person. On the negative side, I can be impatient and condescending sometimes. Some of my likes/hobbies are reading (mostly science fiction and non-fiction), gardening, DIY, and trying/exploring new things and places (if you can call that a hobby, haha). Thank you, for this event and all your lovely writing! ☺️

Hello, anon! Thank you for joining my event! Of course I would love to write a couple profile of you and Naruto. The best boi deserves all of the love.

Naruto Uzumaki

Couple Profile

Naruto is an ENFP, having the traits of being warm, friendly and optimistic. As an ENTP woman, you both share a lot of similarities, which I think will help you both get along well with each other!

Strengths: You are both optimistic, and he loves that about you. Having the same positive outlook in life is good for your relationship, and you are both inspired by each other’s attitude and determination. Naruto can be very energetic, and ENTP people usually share the same kind of energy (more or less), so I think you wouldn’t get too tired of his energy right away. He is very appreciative of others' efforts, so I think he would be very supportive of your endeavors, be it a creative thing or a new hobby you would like to pursue. This man will also take care of you, that’s for sure.

Weaknesses: You have two opposing traits, as Naruto leans more on his emotions while you lean more on logic. You might get frustrated at his impulsiveness. Your rational nature can help him slow down first and consider the consequences of his actions before carrying them out. Also, he can be relatively naive and slow to comprehend principles and situations. As an ENTP woman, your knowledge and logical approach can help him understand these things. Just be patient with him, and as much as possible, try not to be condescending also while explaining things to him. The man would appreciate this help a lot, especially coming from his intelligent s/o.

Dates: Ahh those gardening dates! According to the databook, Naruto enjoys watering plants, so he would very much enjoy tending the garden with you! He can just get a little playful and throw a few dirt at you, smudging your nose with dirt. But that is just his way of being affectionate with you! You might reciprocate that playfulness, but after a while, he’ll end up embracing you or cuddling you in the garden. Naruto’s not much of an adventurer, but I think he would most likely be up for accompanying you when you would like to explore new places, or try out a new hobby. Also, I hope you love Ichiraku Ramen, because this man would definitely insist on eating at his favorite ramen shop with you all the time. Just lovingly coax him into also eating more healthy food especially vegetables. Your man also has to look after his health. He may also not be a reader, but I can see him checking out the bookstore for new titles to give you on your birthday, or asking your bookworm friends on what books he can give you.

Love Advice: Naruto is very loyal to the people he cares about, and as he is empathetic and kind, he would put the needs of others above his own, sometimes to his own detriment. He would need a patient, understanding and loving s/o who can also firmly remind him that he doesn’t need to carry everyone’s burdens on his shoulders, and that it is definitely okay to let others take the wheel sometimes so he can also enjoy himself and spend more time with you. Also, considering his past, Naruto has a desire for acknowledgement. Let him know how much you appreciate his efforts, which are done out of his love and care for you, and the man will surely love you more.

I hope you liked your couple profile with Naruto! The man deserves all the love from you.

[queerlymasculine]

orgasm control real talk:

I didn't come for two days because I wanted to wait until my owner and I played. it was going to be this great build up of intensity and anticipation. unfortunately we had to reschedule because life is a thing that happens sometimes.

when we talked about rescheduling, I started to feel not-great. obviously, needing to reschedule plans that you were looking forward to is disappointing, but it's usually just a normal amount and at the end of the day you're fine with it because hey it happens, no big deal. but this was different and wasn't disappointment. I was kind of emotional, a little teary, and I felt a little lost and uncertain.

I had been intentionally creating and reinforcing physical tension in my body, and the only way I can reliably do that in a healthy way is if I know the end date. having a timeline allows me to apportion my internal resources so I can manage that tension. it allows me to manage what is essentially a type of stress because I know when it will end. it allows me to enjoy the build up for what it is without being overwhelmed by it.

so I was having these emotions all of a sudden, and I didn't know what to do. should I come? should I wait? originally, we planned to play the next day, but I realized later I had plans with friends. but when I thought we were going to play the next day, I wondered if maybe I should just wait. it was only another day, after all, and maybe I'd feel better after I calmed down or after some sleep.

but the idea of that didn't make me feel good. the idea of waiting made me feel like the next 24 hours were going to be miserable because I would be stuck with this ache, and what if I wasn't able to come? sometimes I struggle with that, even on testosterone. what if I waited and then came but it didn't even feel that good and there was no payoff for any of the wait?

but I also didn't want to come because I wanted to come when we were playing, that was why I wanted to wait in the first place. not coming for a day or two makes me feel super sensitive and it's a fun feeling to experience with my partner.

and to be honest, some of the dumb shit people say about orgasm denial was in my head because that's the only narrative out there

if I hadn't done so much work on my communication skills before I met my owner and if I hadn't decided to trust hir, and if ze hadn't curated a space for us to be able to honestly talk about our feelings and our dynamic, I probably would have let myself feel shitty. whether I came or not, I would have felt shitty and maybe unconsciously blamed hir for the way I was feeling.

but because I'm a big boy who can use his words and because I know my partner will listen without judgment, I told hir what I was feeling and said I didn't know what to do. and ze sent sparkly heart emojis and suggested I come because I had been so good that day*

[*I am a very good boy, and I get to come whenever I want, whether we're playing a game with orgasm control or not. there are no negative consequences for any of my actions. you don't have to experience punishment if you don't want to.]

and holy fuck y'all I immediately felt so much better. part of the relief came from how ze always takes my feelings in stride; ze is so calm, even in the face of feelings that are very scary to me, and that always makes me calmer and safer. part of the relief was also having my suspicion that the healthy/good/best decision was for me to come. and part of it was also that, although ze doesn't order me around, hir suggesting it gave me permission to come and not feel like it was some kind of failure.

TLDR you should only play with orgasm control for as long as it feels enjoyable. you should come when not-coming is no longer enjoyable. communication is important so you can feel heard and have your needs acknowledged and so your partner can respond to your needs. also I came two times that night and it was great.

[suf-lives-rent-free]

Fragments

Everything below is just my opinion; I am in no way trying to say that how I feel about this is the one correct take or whatever.

I know a lot of people like this episode and what happens in it, but I don’t.  I totally understand that some people just don’t want to see any negativity, period, but negativity is not inherently bad or wrong.

Negative opinions, even about something you enjoy, can be valid too - regardless of whether you happen to agree with them or not.

Also I get very salty near the end of this, and that might be entertaining to people who stan this episode?

I am aware that a lot of people – the majority, I’m pretty sure – think that the episode is a masterpiece. And on some level, I see where they’re coming from with that assessment.

The episode is boarded beautifully, the backgrounds – especially during the training montage – are stunning as always.  The music is fantastic, and the performances are great too.  In these respects, Fragments is a stand-out episode; I agree.

(Like look at this.  Gorgeous.)

However, something that’s bothered me since I saw the episode is the writers’ decision to write it into the story that Steven shatters Jasper.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: I just don’t get it.  I’m purposefully misinterpreting the story to say it’s bad.  Steven brings her back to life; and it’s not like he meant to do it in the first place.  I just don’t have the capacity to understand the sublime nature of the show’s storytelling.  I’m an SU crit and all I want to do is make the real fans feel about themselves for liking it.

Uhhhh... no.  Nah.  That ain’t it chief.

It’s true; I am not a writer.  I’m just a passive consumer of media.  However, I do not agree with the viewpoint that in order to properly understand or critique a thing you need to have the expertise and/or experience in order to make something similar.

For example, if I were to put something I drew when I was 10 years old next to something I drew yesterday, it shouldn’t take a person who has had an education in fine art to tell you that the latter drawing is better-looking than the former.

That’s how I approach media consumption and criticism; when I criticise a writing decision, I am doing so as a consumer.  I’m not saying I could write it better, or even that my opinion is objectively correct and the writer is wrong or bad.  I’m just saying that I didn’t like a thing.  Which, I would hope, is allowed?

Okay, defensive hedging over, back to the point; I don’t like that they had Steven shatter Jasper.

[I get markedly saltier from this point on, fyi]

Full admission of bias here: one of the things I really cherish about the original show is how they wrote Steven’s character; he’s a boy with interests that don’t rigidly conform to gender stereotypes.  He likes ‘boyish’ things and ‘girly’ things, and that’s okay; thats just him.  In cartoons when I was growing up, characters like Steven would be the butt of jokes about being ‘girly’ or thinly-veiled homophobia.  I find him very relatable, and I want to acknowledge that yes, that is probably a significant part of why I have such an issue with this episode’s twist.

I am not trying to say that he’s a perfect baby angel or whatever; Steven regularly gets frustrated and angry. He does some pretty manipulative and dickish things to people around him (stop trying to make Larsadie happen, Steven. It’s not going to happen).  He is a flawed character who fucks up sometimes. And he’s not 100% peaceful either; he acts violently when he defends himself against corrupted Gems and Homeworld Gems (and Crystal Gems on occasion *cough*Bismuth*cough*).  

However, he has a pacifistic temperament; whenever it’s possible, he prefers that problems be solved without needless violence or hurt.  And I like that; in most media, it’s rare to have a male protagonist who wants to solve their problems without jumping straight to punching things.

When he accidentally frees Centipeedle, he convinces the Gems to step off and allow him to try and rehabilitate her peacefully; he even notices that the Gems’ weapons are a trigger for her, and make them put them away.  He frees Lapis against the Gems’ wishes because he recognizes that keeping her prisoner is wrong, and when she steals the ocean, he talks it out and heals her so she can leave Earth peacefully.

He tries to aid Jasper when she starts corrupting, fixes Eyeball’s gemstone when she’s cracked and tries talking Bismuth down when she attacks him with the breaking point.  In all of these situations, his words and help are ignored or rejected; he’s forced to resort to violence.  And it traumatises him.  

We get an entire episode dedicated to the fact that he’s been struggling with processing these awful things that happened.

Even in Future, Steven shows hesitation about engaging in unncecessary violence; he gives into Jasper’s goading for a fight after what’s implied to be dozens of failed tries at making her come to Little Homeschool, and he spends an entire episode trying to keep Lapis from squashing the two rogue Lapis Lazulis. 

The only time he hops into a fight willingly is after Eyeball and Aquamarine hold Greg hostage, and even then they pose a clear threat to his and Greg’s safety and have made it clear that they want to hurt him emotionally and physically.  Even at that, he stops and switches tactics to talking them down as soon as they lose their focus and start bickering with each other.

(I mean, he fails.  But it’s the thought that counts.)

I personally find it really jarring that the writers found it appropriate to write it into the series that this same character – over the course of three (3) days – goes from disliking mindless violence for mindless violence’s sake to happily engaging in the destruction of plants and animals* and has done a total 180 on his willingness to spar with Jasper, to the point that he instigates their rematch.

*(You best believe plenty of small mammals and birds – y’know, like the nest Steven saved in the first episode – died as he and Jasper felled tree after tree, not to mention all of those displaced by the destruction of their habitats, and the potential loss of food sources from some of those trees.)

You’re telling me that it’s a reasonable character beat for this boy to gleefully laugh like an anime supervillain at his sudden new-found joy in fighting, then pin Jasper in place, taunt her for helping him get so strong, and hit her so hard that she breaks into pieces and dies?

You’re telling me that that’s an in-character thing for Steven Quartz Diamond Cutie-Pie DeMayo Universe do to another character?

(And yes I am purposefully dancing around talking about the mental health stuff because if I did that I’d have to go on a whole other tangent about Growing Pains and fuck I just don’t feel like it right now lmao)

Going back to Mindful Education, another big thing we see Steven struggle with is the idea that his mother shattered Pink Diamond.  This knowledge sits heavily with him; it makes him sympathetic to the Diamonds, even under the circumstances in which he sees them (escaping from the Human Zoo, and being on trial for said murder). 

He sees their grief, and he feels awful.  He questions who Rose Quartz even was.  He knows, based on what Garnet said, that Rose had to do it; there was no other way to free Earth.  But he still feels awful seeing the pain that Pink’s loss has caused Blue and Yellow Diamond.

In Steven Universe, shattering is clearly equated with execution/death multiple times.  When Pearl and Garnet fret over the crack in Amethyst’s gemstone worsening.  When Blue Diamond threatens to break Ruby.  When Bismuth introduces the breaking point, and Steven recoils at the sight of what it does.  If you want to take the fact that Gem shards are sentient and desperate to become whole again into account, you could even argue that it’s a fate worse than death. This particular act of violence is treated very, very seriously.

When we find out that Rose shattered Pink Diamond, there is a season and a half long arc unpacking the implications and consequences of this one action, and how this knowledge forever alters Steven’s mental image of his mother.  And she didn’t even kill anyone.  It was a lie!

In Steven Universe Future, Steven shatters Jasper 4 episodes before the end of the series.  And it’s only brought up twice; once for a big *gasp* moment during his breakdown in Everything’s Fine, and in I Am My Monster by Pearl, when she has to fill-in Bismuth, Lapis and Peridot.  Notably, it is never discussed around or by Jasper.  Y’know.  The person who actually died.

No indication of how (or even if) what Steven did is affecting his own self-image after his initial breakdown, how Jasper feels about what she went through beyond falling back into the Era 1 and 2 mindset.  No inkling of how the knowledge that Steven killed somebody has affected how anyone in his life thinks or feels about him; when Pearl brings it up in I Am My Monster, she seems to not even really believe it’s true.

If there are any consequences or talks about this incident, they’re skipped over between I Am My Monster and The Future, and we’re expected to assume that Steven and his therapist are dealing with it, I guess?

And yes.  It was an accident.  He did bring her back to life.  But it still happened.  If you hit someone over the head and they stop breathing, just because the paramedics are able to resusitate and stabilize them afterwards doesn’t mean you never hit them.

But here, it’s shoved aside because dwelling on it would take far too much time, and risks framing Steven in an unsympathetic way when he’s meant to be on the cusp of a breakdown.

It just feels like careless writing to me.  They really, really wanted their big action scene with Steven and Jasper, but didn’t think (or maybe weren’t interested in thinking) about the seriousness or consequences of what Steven shattering someone would entail.

In my opinion, Steven shattering Jasper is one of the cheapest, laziest things they could have ever done with his character (and hers, for that matter).  To me, the entire thing feels entirely out of character.  It’s pure shock value; nothing more.

So yeah.  That particular writing decision just does not work for me.  And if you disagree... well that’s fine?  It’s fine.  We can agree to disagree?  I’ve read a lot of defense/praise for this episode, and honestly even after processing all of those opinions and all the time my thoughts about this plotline have been stewing in my brain, I still feel the same way.

[purple-martin111]

The Sacrifices We Make

Read on Archive of Our Own

Chapters: 3/? Fandom: Fallout 4 Rating: Mature Warnings: The Creator Chose Not to Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Paladin Danse/Female Sole Survivor Characters: Paladin Danse, Female Sole Survivor, Arthur Maxson, Scribe Haylen Additional Tags: Post-Blind Betrayal, Hurt/Comfort, Trauma, Depression, Anxiety, Guilt, Suicidal Thoughts, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Heavy Angst, Abuse, Mental Health Issues

Chapter 3 - The Road to Righteousness

"Well hold on, my darling This mess was yours, Now your mess is mine" -Mess is Mine, Vance Joy-

“I’ll see you on the other side…”

BANG!

Darkness exploded around her and Jackie shot up from her bedroll.

“Danse?!” She cried, feverishly groping for her rifle or her Pip-Boy, anything to help fend off whatever had jolted her awake.

“Soldier?”  It came out forceful and frantic as Danse clanked through the room, “What is it? What’s the matter?” 

“I-I don’t know... I can’t breathe!”  Jackie panted, her pounding heart threatening to strangle her. “Something’s wrong!” 

Unable to control her racing thoughts, Jackie trembled and clung to her bedroll. She was convinced she’d perish in a fit of hysteria or at the very least, die of embarrassment. In an attempt to conceal her shameful state and regain some semblance of control, she pressed her face into her hands,

“You’re alright.”  

She nearly leapt out of her skin at Danse’s hand on her shoulder and his voice in her ear. So consumed by her irrational fear, she hadn’t even heard him exit his power armor. It stood looming at the edge of the room and Danse... Danse was so near that Jackie was suddenly overwhelmed by all the emotions she’d been trying so hard to bury since leaving the vault. All the pain and heartache, her insurmountable grief, leaked from the little box she’d haphazardly stuffed them away in. 

“It’s not real, you’re safe. It’ll pass, just breathe.” 

Danse had taken a knee beside her and his grip, firm on her shoulder, moored her to reality. At least until she met his gaze and those heartbreakingly familiar brown eyes shattered her sanity. It took everything in her not to clamber into his arms and weep away her troubles. Instead Jackie clutched at his uniform and squeezed her eyes shut to block out the haunting reminder and hold back the tears caught just behind her lids. 

Nate, she missed him so goddamn much it hurt. But Danse...right now, Danse would have to do. She let his soft, calming words sooth her aching heart and slowly the panic subsided. Left with only an echo, Jackie’s hands fall into her lap. Broken and hollow, she grasped at the ghosts of her former life splintering in the parallels of her mind. 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered and pawed at her face, wiping at tears or the flush of shame she didn’t know. 

“This is common among soldiers.” His hand lingered on her shoulder, a gentle reminder that despite her madness, Danse still had her back. “There’s nothing to be ashamed of.” 

Jackie just stared at her hands. There was sadness in Danse’s voice, a resonance of understanding that made her wonder about his own mental state. She wasn’t blind. She’d seen how he struggled. How he kept himself endlessly busy, avoiding sleep or rest so he didn’t have to confront his own demons. Danse carried the weight of the wasteland on his shoulders and clearly he cared about her. He was a tough nut to crack, but underneath it all he was kind and a good man. 

All Jackie had done since enlisting was repay his kindness in cruelty. She had been insubordinate at best and nothing short of a cold-hearted bitch at worst. 

“I haven’t treated you fairly,” she admitted, “I’ve been angry and so caught up in myself. You...” she nervously wrung her hands together as she trailed off, “you were an easy target.” 

Danse shifted to lean his elbow on his knee. “Sometimes trauma makes us do things we aren’t proud of.” 

“Doesn’t give me the right to be nasty.” She glanced over at him and was met with the faintest of smiles. 

“Is that an apology I hear, soldier?”  

“I-ah…,” she tittered to herself, “yeah, I suppose it is.” 

Danse continued grinning and knocked his shoulder against hers, "I appreciate the sentiment.” 

She leaned into him, wishing he could give her so much more than just fleeting touches. “Thanks,” she muttered and pulled away before her emotions got the better of her again, “I can take watch if you want.” 

“Negative,” his fingers brushed against her shoulder as he stood to retreat back to his armor, waiting until he was safely encased inside before continuing, “but you can sit with me if you’d like.” 

Just breathe.

Jackie’s chest ached at the recollection of that moment. Danse…he was the only thing worth fighting for in this world, the only thing keeping her breathing. He was her lifeblood and if he died at the hands of the Brotherhood for her mistakes, they might as well kill her too. 

This was her fault. She should have done more, fought harder, told Maxson where he could shove it and walked away. Should have run and never looked back and taken Danse somewhere far away. Somewhere near the sea where they could watch the sunrise and hear the waves crashing upon the sand in the evening. Leave it all behind and allow the Commonwealth to fall to its own demises. Jackie, however, had been selfish and naive in thinking that she and Danse could live in peace without retribution.

Despite her shaking hands and pounding pulse, she refused to be consumed by panic. It rattled her bones, scratching at her skull like the parasite it was, but Jackie pushed herself forward. She forced her feet to carry her across the room to where she had dumped her duffle bag the night before. Hastily, she stripped of her night clothes and plucked a clean uniform from her pack, dressing with little regard to her personal appearance. 

Unkempt and unhinged, her hair was a rat’s nest of wheat colored straw and her face a dirty, tear stained mess, but it would have to do. She would have to do.

With a sigh and a final glance around the room, she jabbed the elevator call button. As she waited for its descent she paced, attempting to formulate a plan. A plan that didn’t involve her solo assault on the Brotherhood stronghold or the very real possibility that she would be forced to murder their Elder. 

Shit. 

Staggered by the consequences of Danse’s actions, she stumbled to a halt. If she intended to survive this, she was going to have to bring down the Brotherhood--alone. If by some stroke of dumb luck she was successful, then what? The Commonwealth would crumble at the sudden power vacuum. 

Dammit Danse! 

Jackie slammed her fist against the elevator door just as it clanged open and she was left standing there, messaging her forehead between her fingers. She didn’t know what the hell she was going to do but she slung her duffle bag over her shoulder and snatched up her rifle nonetheless.  She would make it up as she went and wished to whatever gods were still listening that they didn’t end up dead. 

The elevator made an agonizingly slow ascent to the surface and Jackie prayed that she was wrong. She prayed that Danse had just gone to patrol the perimeter or ventured to a nearby settlement for supplies and he would be waiting for her in the vestibule of the bunker. But, when the elevator finally rattled to the surface, Jackie was greeted with darkness and the stark absence of Danse. 

The bunker entrance was empty, and quiet midsummer twilight greeted her as she stepped out into the wasteland. Her heart skipped a stuttering beat at the sight. Perhaps luck was still on her side because in the cover of night and concealed in her armor, Danse might still be alive.

In the distance, the sun peeked over the horizon, painting the skyline in faint wisps of pink and orange. The sunrise lazily eclipsed the deep blues and black of night while she headed east to the unofficial extraction point. As she walked on, she rooted around in her bag, searching for the signal grenade she’d stashed away in case of emergency. 

It didn’t take long to reach the designated location, a vacant stretch of broken road behind the old ironworks factory. She threw down the signal grenade and watched as the plume of smoke circled up into the heavens. Not so patiently she waited for the distant hum of the vertibird’s engines to break the silence.

Minutes crept by and before long the sun breached the horizon. With it, came the feeling of failure. Not once had she bothered to check in with Danse last night to assess his own mental state. His deteriorating physical health had been an obvious sign of his instability, yet Jackie had failed to acknowledge it. Instead, she burdened him with her insignificant troubles and neglected to reciprocate his kindness. Perhaps if she had, she wouldn’t be in this situation.

She had promised to be there for him, help him heal, and secretly she had vowed to love him. Then in the face of hardship, she’d abandoned him. Jackie couldn’t breathe and before she could stop it, tears were tumbling down her cheeks. She had betrayed him when he had needed her the most. 

The crippling intensity of her guilt sliced at her ribs, threatening to tear her apart. It would have been better, easier for them both, if she had just endured the pain of letting Danse go. Allowed him to move on and live out his days in peace. After everything he’d been through, he at least deserved that much.

The ground groaned beneath her feet as she paced in an attempt to occupy her mind and halt the hemorrhaging of her spiraling thoughts. Her gut churned, bile rising in her throat and she commanded her body to be still. Her urge to vomit quelled just in time to hear the familiar whirl of a vertibird’s engines approaching. Earth and grass whipped about and dirt was violently kicked up with the aircraft’s impending landing. Jackie covered her face with her arms, attempting to shield herself from the dust storm. As soon as the vertibird’s landing gear made contact with the ground she hoisted herself up into the troop load, despite the sickening feeling that still lingered.

A familiar face, clad in aviators and arrogance, greeted her when she clambered inside. It was always the same Lancer who retrieved her. The same pilot who had run transport for Danse and his team and who had taken Maxson to the bunker. He was the only one authorized for extraction from this location and even though words had never been exchanged, Jackie knew he knew and she wondered what price he had paid to keep their secret. 

He handed her a headset as she scooted by to sit in the co-pilot’s seat, the roar of the engines drowned out when she slipped it on. 

“Paladin,” His voice crackled through the earpiece, followed by a terse nod and salute. 

“Geers.” Jackie returned the gesture out of habit. 

For a moment Geers watched her, taking in her obviously disheveled state, but chose not to comment, “Ma’am, you’ve got orders to report to the Command Deck immediately upon arrival.” 

“Wonderful,” she scowled, “who did I piss on this time to be owed the pleasure?” 

A knowing look passed between them before he spoke, “The Elder knows where you go when you disappear.” 

Jackie said nothing and stared at her feet, the knots in her stomach twisting tighter. 

Geers allowed the void of conversation to stretch on before he added, “Maxson thought you weren’t coming back this time.” 

And there it was, the painful reminder of her violation. 

“Yeah, that was the plan, but...” She could feel his eyes on her, pitying her, questioning her. 

“...but what?” he dared to ask.

None of your goddamn business. 

Jackie wanted to snap at him. Put him in his place and maintain the distance held within the chain of command, but she bit her tongue because it was rude and Geers was one of the few people trusted. 

She twisted her hands together and mused her bottom lip. Should she tell him the truth? The truth would likely get him killed so Jackie decided on a half-truth. “There's been a recent development that requires my immediate attention back on the Prydwen.”  

Static hissed in the coms while Geers watched her with a frown hovering upon his brow. “You told him about Maxson...didn’t you?” he pressed her with the demand and sharp angel of his eyes when she didn’t immediately respond. “Jackie--” 

“Just take me back,” she snapped. It wasn’t a request, she was done playing games. Every second she spent dicking around with Geers put Danse at risk, they needed to leave--now.  

Geers cursed under his breath and Jackie could hear the eyeroll as he turned back to jab at the instrumentation panel. 

“Whiskey, golf, echo, seven, this is Lancer-Knight Geers en route to the Prywden.” 

Static droned in her ears, her stomach lurching when he abruptly jerked the stick to get them in the air. 

“Acknowledged, what’s your status Lancer?” the voice on the other end asked. 

“All’s quiet here.” Geers glanced over at Jackie, looking more smug than was appropriate for the situation. “But mission objective delta juliette is a go. Standby and I’ll brief you on our arrival.” 

More static and then finally air traffic control came back, “Roger that. You’ve been cleared for landing in bay two upon your arrival.”

“Roger out,” Geers responded and flipped a switch, cutting out the static.

Jackie regarded him with cinched brows, Geers wasn’t one for formalities. “What was that about?”

“Just…” he shrugged and peered over his sunglasses, “maybe you don’t have to do everything on your own.”

She shifted in her seat to fix him a hard glare. “I don’t think you comprehend the gravity of the situation.”

“And I think you underestimate my power of persuasion.”

“Don’t flatter yourself,” she scoffed.

“You’ll just have to trust me,” he smirked and turned his attention back to the horizon, “that maybe you--and Danse--still have some friends in the Brotherhood.”

God, she wanted to smack that stupid little grin right off his face. Somehow though, she managed to restrain herself and not feed his ego with the dignity of a response. Instead, she closed her eyes and hoped that whatever half-baked plan Geers had cooked up didn’t get them all killed.

[medical-health-fitness]

5 Signs You’re Angrier Than You Think

Just because you keep your cool doesn’t mean you’re not angry

If you’re the kind of person who likes to think of themselves as calm, cool, and collected, there’s a good chance you’re angrier than you realize (or want to admit).

Reference and article proofread by Healthcare center in NJ

Because anger isn’t a very socially acceptable emotion, many people end up masking it. And sometimes they’ve been masking their anger for so long — and are so good at it — they don’t even realize they’re angry anymore.

But here’s the problem:

No matter how good you are at hiding your anger, it will come out one way or the other.

As a psychologist, I regularly work with people who insist that they’re not angry, only to realize that many of their most unhelpful tendencies and habits result from unexplored anger.

Being angry isn’t a bad thing. But if you’re not self-aware enough to acknowledge it, the side effects can cause a lot of suffering for you and the people in your life.

Here are 5 signs you might actually be angrier than you think and a few suggestions for dealing with that anger healthily.

1. Chronic Anxiety

Many people end up chronically anxious because they’re so afraid of their anger that they’ll take on any amount of stress to avoid it.

On the face of it, people who are chronically anxious look the exact opposite of angry. If anything, they come across as meek, unassuming, or even pushovers.

But here’s the thing…

Just because you don’t look and act angry doesn’t mean you’re not feeling angry.

Anger is a natural human emotion we all feel as a result of injustice or boundary violations. For example:

If a bully steals your lunch at school, it’s natural to feel angry about it.

If you watch a news report of some innocent person being abused or taken advantage of, you’re going to feel angry about it.

If your spouse sarcastically criticizes your outfit, you’re probably going to feel angry about it.

And more than just a sign that some injustice has been committed, anger is also fuel for rectifying it…

Where would the civil rights movement be if no one got angry about slavery and racism?

Where would democracy be if no one got angry at tyranny and fascism?

But many people fear getting angry — or making others angry — so much that they take on huge amounts of stress and anxiety as a result of avoiding the anger.

For example, take the little boy who grew up with an alcoholic and abusive parent… He learned quickly as a kid that expressing his own anger and frustration only got him hurt and abused.

So now, even though he isn’t physically in danger anymore, he’s in the habit of ignoring his anger. As a result, he never stands up for himself…

He takes on way too much work in his job, which keeps him stressed and anxious. All because he’s afraid to express his anger about giving too much work.

He remains in a verbally abusive relationship because he’s afraid of his spouse’s anger and the conflict that would ensue if he stood up for himself. So he’s always worried about upsetting his spouse.

He even has a hard time disciplining his children when he needs to because he’s afraid of his anger and theirs. So he’s constantly stressed and anxious about the way his kids are growing up.

Anxiety is the price of unacknowledged anger.

I encourage people to remember that “no” is a complete sentence.”

― Gavin de Becker

2. Rumination

Just because you’re not angry with other people doesn’t mean you’re not angry. Self-directed anger is a real thing, too — with plenty of destructive consequences if left unchecked.

A lot of people assume they’re not angry because they never get angry with other people. They’re nice, friendly, tolerant, empathetic, and even quite patient when it comes to other people.

And because they rarely get angry at others, they seldom look visibly angry:

They don’t shout or scream

They don’t act out or get aggressive

They don’t lose their cool when things go wrong

But looks can be deceiving…

Some of the angriest people I’ve ever met look like absolute sweethearts to everyone else — even to the people who know them well, like spouses or parents.

How is this possible?

Their anger is self-directed and manifests as an extreme type of negative self-talk called rumination for many people.

Rumination is the mental habit of intensely negative and unproductive self-talk about mistakes or errors in the past.

For example:

An offhand comment by a friend at dinner triggers a memory of a mistake you made in the past, and you spend the rest of your evening dwelling on that mistake and all the negative consequences in your life that came from it.

Your manager at work gives you some specific negative feedback about a recent piece of work, and you spend hours distracted by thoughts and of how you could have done better and why you’re always such a screw-up.

The key insight here is subtle but important:

While rumination often leads to sadness and shame, it’s usually fueled by self-anger.

Because most people identify with the consequences of their rumination habit, they don’t realize how important the role of anger is in their lives.

Remember:

Just because anger isn’t externalized or directed at another person doesn’t mean it’s not there.

And just because your anger isn’t leading to destructive behaviors with others doesn’t mean it isn’t leading to yourself's destructive behaviors.

If you struggle with rumination, self-criticism, or perfectionism, there’s a good chance that becoming more self-aware about your anger will help you escape the cycle.

If you had a person in your life treating you the way you treat yourself, you would have gotten rid of them a long time ago…

― Cheri Huber

3. Passive-Aggressive Communication

People become passive-aggressive when they experience intense anger but are afraid to acknowledge it.

When people are passive-aggressive, they act in an aggressive way to get what they want but try to hide it to avoid taking responsibility for the consequences of their aggression.

Here are a few examples to illustrate:

Chronically being late for appointments or meetings but always having some excuse or another ready to explain it.

“Having” a stomach ache right before you were supposed to meet up with that friend you don’t really like but feel like to have to hang out with occasionally.

Doing work poorly around the office so that someone else ends up doing it.

The problem with this habit of passive-aggressive behavior is that it doesn’t really work — not in the long run…

Eventually, you begin to be perceived as flaky, unreliable, and irresponsible by key people in your life. And as a result, your relationships suffer, and you feel more and more isolated and alone.

What’s more, on a deep level, you perceive yourself this way too. The result is chronic low self-esteem, shame, and self-loathing.

The only way out of this cycle of passive-aggression is to practice being more assertive. This means learning to acknowledge your anger and frustration and act on it when appropriate. But to do it in a way that’s both honest to your own wants and needs but also respectful of those of others.

Becoming more assertive doesn’t mean denying your anger. It means acknowledging it and validating it to deal with it in a healthy way instead of “coming out” in unhealthy ways.

Assertiveness isn’t about building a good disguise. It’s about developing the courage to take the disguise off.

— Randy Paterson

4. Venting

Venting, complaining, bitching, whining… call it whatever you want. But at the end of the way, if you’re doing it a lot, you’re probably more angry than you realize.

Do you vent a lot with friends, family, or coworkers? If so, that might be a good indicator that you’ve got a lot more unacknowledged anger and frustration in your life than you realize.

See, for a long-time, the way psychologists thought and talked about anger was that it was a kind of toxic substance that had to be released or else it would be harmful. As a result, the idea of “venting” your anger became popularized and encouraged by many therapists, counselors, and advisors.

Unfortunately, it turns out the whole cathartic theory of anger is a complete myth. And worse than that, simply venting your anger only intensifies it in the long run.

The healthiest way to deal with anger is to acknowledge it, validate it, act on it assertively if you need to or just let it be if you don’t.

This means that if you’re the kind of person who vents a lot or labels yourself a chronic complainer, the better strategy is to A) get better at acknowledging your anger or frustrations, and B) Either do something about them or let them go.

We like to vent because it gives us the illusion of working on things. But it doesn’t actually address the issues making you frustrated in the first place. And even though it might feel good at the moment to vent, it only keeps those flames burning longer in the end.

Remember, it’s perfectly healthy to feel frustrated and angry. But how you deal with those feelings can be very unhealthy.

To complain is always nonacceptance of what is… When you complain, you make yourself into a victim. When you speak out, you are in your power. So change the situation by taking action or speaking out if necessary or possible; leave the situation or accept it. All else is madness.”

― Eckhart Tolle

5. Hypercriticism

Many people mask their anger by expressing it in the form of coolly intellectual criticism of others.

If you tend to be overly critical or judgmental of other people, that might be a sign that you’ve got some unacknowledged anger to explore.

Here’s how it works…

Often people feel bad about themselves in some big way — maybe they’re afraid to make a big life-change, for example, even though they know it’s the right thing for them to do.

This pain or inadequacy hurts, of course. But over time, what’s even worse, is the guilt and shame they feel for not doing anything about it even though they know they should.

Eventually, this guilt and shame become self-directed anger and resentment. But still, they feel stuck…

To temporarily alleviate all of this negativity, they resort to criticizing or judging others as a kind of coping mechanism for their own low self-esteem.

Because when you criticize someone else, you implicitly communicate that you know better, which temporarily makes you feel good about yourself.

Of course, this judgment ness becomes one more thing to feel bad about yourself for in the long-run.

The thing is… many people who are in this habit of being judgmental of others look the opposite of angry — they seem cool and detached in an intellectual or hyper-analytical way.

But here’s the thing…

This cool intellectual criticism of others is often just a mask for our own insecurities and self-directed anger.

You can only deal with your insecurities and self-anger if you know it and are willing to explore it. And your habit of being critical of others may not subside until you address this core motivator for it.

The self-righteous scream judgments against others to hide the noise of skeletons dancing in their own closets.

― John Mark Green

All You Need to Know

There’s nothing wrong with being angry. It’s a normal human emotion and has a great many important functions. But if you’re in denial about your anger, that’s when you can get into trouble.

These 5 signs are useful indicators to help you explore the role that anger may or may not play in your life:

Chronic Anxiety

Rumination

Passive-Aggressive Communication

Venting

Hypercriticism

[hajimes-erect-ahoge]

Postmortem- Chapter 10

Kokichi deals with the aftermath of his conversation with Shuichi and attends group therapy again. ao3

Ouma’s eyes slowly fluttered open, his consciousness gradually awakening. Opening his eyes, the first thing he saw was Saihara peacefully sleeping in the chair besides his bed. They were still holding hands, and Ouma made the decision not to move, lest he wake up Saihara. His eyes flickered back to the bed sheets, staring at them aimlessly as he let his mind wander.

...What the hell did I just do? Saying all those things to Saihara-chan… It’s not like me so be so weak.

...And Momota-chan is so damn predictable. I knew he would at least tell Saihara-chan about when he saw me in the emergency room, but I never expected it to come back to bite me in the ass like this.

Who the hell do I think I am, making myself so vulnerable to a stupid boy just because I might like him just a little bit. Saihara-chan has no right to make me feel this way…

The truth was, Ouma had been waiting for this moment. During the killing game, when he wasn’t focusing on his mastermind plan, he daydreamed about how he would tell Saihara off for telling him he would always be alone. He hadn’t expected to be exhausted- in his rawest form with no mask- and crying when it happened.

In his mind, he had this exact moment planned out in exact detail. He would swiftly tell Saihara off for saying all those awful things to him, for not accepting his offer to work together, and then shut the other boy out, making it clear that he wanted nothing to do with him. That was how it was supposed to go…

Ouma buried his face deeper into the sheets, sighing audibly.

Why did he have to get so emotional in front of Saihara?

It’s like there was something about him, something in his unfairly adorable face or his sickeningly gentle personality that just made Ouma melt, becoming completely helpless. And it absolutely infuriated him.

He hated being seen as weak, having developed a strong distaste for being vulnerable, especially during the killing game. So why did he have to go and ruin it all because of some stupid crush?

Ouma felt anxiety bubbling in his chest, his heart rate quickening. Soon enough, Saihara would be awake, most likely expecting a follow-up from their conversation the night before. If Ouma had to be that vulnerable for even another minute… he didn’t know what he would do.

He glanced over at Saihara. Still asleep.

Ouma let out a shaky breath. How the hell was he going to face Saihara when he woke up?

“Nng… Ouma-kun?”

Saihara’s gentle voice startled Ouma out of his thoughts, causing him to jump a little bit. He quickly swiped his hand away from Saihara’s, hoping he would forget about that part of last night at the very least.

But it was too late.

Saihara blushed the faintest bit at their previous contact, retracting his hand from where it lay limp midair. Ouma scoffed.

“S-Sorry…” Saihara’s voice was soft, barely audible, yet to Ouma it was all he could hear amongst the noise of the hospital. Sitting himself upright, Saihara continued, “I didn’t mean to fall asleep here…”

Ouma hummed, acknowledging the other’s statement but not quite responding to it.

“Um… About last night-”

“I don’t wanna talk about it.” Ouma stated firmly, still refusing to make eye contact. “It never happened. I was tired and being irrational. Just forget about it.”

“...Okay. I won’t ask you about it.” Saihara conceded.

Ouma lifted his eyes, gazing over at Saihara. The latter squirmed in place uncomfortably, refusing to meet the other’s eyes. Ouma looked away.

A brief silence flashed between the two boys, even if only for a moment.

“Can I just say one thing?” Saihara asked, testing the waters of Ouma’s boundaries.

“Shoot.”

“I… I want you to trust me, Ouma-kun. I understand that that’s hard for you, but…” Saihara’s gaze hardened, determined. “I want to be there for you.”

Ouma seemed taken aback, if only momentarily before regaining his composure. He sighed, interlocking his fingers behind his head, leaning back on the headboard of the bed.

“I’ll get going now.” Saihara stood up, taking Ouma’s silence as his cue to leave.

He paused once he reached the door, looking back at Ouma.

“I’ll be in the dining hall if you want to come out.” Saihara glanced at Ouma, then back at the door. “Goodbye, Ouma-kun.”

And just like that, Saihara was gone, leaving Ouma alone with his thoughts once more.

----------

Group therapy still occurred twice a week as per schedule, but Ouma hardly attended. Despite knowing that there might be negative consequences for his actions, he just couldn’t bring himself to face everyone again. At least, not that often.

He attended sometimes. It wasn’t necessarily easy, but he did go sometimes. He would mostly keep to himself, with the occasional nod or hum in agreement, which made things slightly easier, but by no means bearable.

Saihara would show up at his room, reminding him about their biweekly meetings. Ouma would either wave him off or join him, walking to the meeting with him. They wouldn’t really talk, but it helped them both to have each other. Saihara insisted on sitting next to Ouma, ready at a moment’s notice to calm him down if he looked particularly uncomfortable.

Ouma appreciated the gesture, he really did. But he didn’t like being smothered, Saihara’s pitying glances and honey-filled words and gestures suffocating him. As of late, Ouma hasn’t really been going to group therapy. Two weeks to be exact. But Saihara always came to his door, checking up on him before the meetings just in case he did want to attend.

Now was one of those times.

“Ouma-kun?” Saihara knocked twice on the door before gently pushing it open, it having been left slightly ajar.

Ouma was laying in the bed, his limbs tangled in the sheets and his face smushed into the pillow, audibly snoring.

“Ouma-kun, I know you’re awake.” Saihara rolled his eyes, gently nudging Ouma. The other boy’s eyes slowly opened, looking up at Saihara. Noticing the way Saihara fondly smiled at him, Ouma flung a pillow at his face, smirking.

“Ha! That’s what you get for waking me up!” Ouma giggled triumphantly.

Saihara removed the pillow from his face, setting it down on the bed near Ouma’s head.

“You weren’t even sleeping in the first place…” Saihara chuckled, feeling whatever annoyance he was feeling fading away.

“Mean! Saihara-chan knows me too well!” Ouma huffed, sticking out his tongue and crossing his arms.

“Mhm…” Saihara hummed, tapping his fingers on the nightstand. “So are you coming or not?”

“Coming where?”

“To group therapy. You haven’t been there in two weeks, and it’s starting to worry me…”

“Aaaand?” Ouma cocked his head, staring up at Saihara with those innocent doe eyes of his.

“And I would really appreciate it if you came with me today.” Saihara finished, “Come on, Ouma-kun…” He sat down on the bed next to Ouma, who was now sitting up, pouting. “If you can’t do it for yourself then do it for me.”

“Fiiiine…” Ouma pushed himself off the bed, standing up and stretching. “But only for my beloved Saihara-chan!”

Saiahra smiled warmly at him, “Great! Then let’s get going, okay?”

Ouma nodded, following Saihara out of the room.

----------

Once they had arrived at group therapy they sat down in their usual seats, right next to one another. Ouma slumped back in his chair, arms crossed as he was clearly beginning to regret coming. Meanwhile, Saihara sat up straight, proudly, while talking to Momota to his right.

When the therapist walked in she quickly glanced at Ouma, noticing his presence before continuing on her path to her seat. The other participants occasionally glanced at him as well, shifting in their seats and doing their best to ignore him. Ouma was used to this, figuring that the unpredictability of his attendance often put the others on edge. He paid no mind to it, instead focusing on the warmth of Saihara’s body right next to him, while ignoring Yonaga’s nonsensical chatter on the other side of him.

The meeting quickly kicked into gear, the therapist hushing the participants and getting started with her usual greetings. Ouma didn’t pay much attention, as per usual, and about ten minutes went by before he actually started tuning in to the conversation at hand.

“Well, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way…” the therapist continued, though Ouma couldn’t be any less aware of what she was talking about, “Why don’t we talk about nightmares? I’m sure nearly all of you should have experienced them by now, so why don’t we discuss what’s been bothering us?”

The sudden change in topic seemed to cast a dark cloud over the room, as the members of the room immediately stiffened. Ouma, however, was unfazed, ever aloof and detached from his feelings.

“Well? Who wants to start us off?” the therapist asked.

“I do.” Ouma stated firmly, not necessarily surprised when over a dozen pairs of eyes gawked at him, including Saihara’s. Even the therapist seemed taken aback.

Ouma wasn’t really sure what had gotten into him. Maybe it was some internal desire to impress Saihara with how open he was being, maybe he just wanted to prove how much he had progressed so Saihara would get off his case already, or maybe he wanted to prove to everyone that he was human too and also had nightmares about the killing game, just like the rest of them. Whatever it is, it was too late to back down now.

The therapist turned to him, “What was your nightmare about, Ouma-kun?”

Almost instantly, memories of one of Ouma’s most common nightmares came flashing back to him, images of Iruma and Gokuhara’s distraught faces racking his brain. He felt his heartbeat quicken, his breathing becoming shallow as he tried to focus his mind on how he was going to get out of this or, even worse, tell the group about it.

“Um… If Gonta can say something here…” Gokuhara spoke up, tripping over his words. He had been going to speech therapy to improve his language skills, and he was trying to apply what he had learned. “Gonta- I mean, I sometimes have nightmares about what happened in the virtual world. Maybe that’s what Ouma-kun is trying to say?”

Ouma nodded, staring intently at the ground by his feet, refusing to look up. Being vulnerable in front of Saihara was already unbearable enough, so why was he subjecting himself to this ordeal again?

“And… You aren’t lying right now, Ouma-kun?” the therapist asked cautiously, as if trying to choose her words very carefully.

Ouma’s eyes shot up to look at her, giving her the most indignant glare he could possibly muster.

“Forgive me, it’s just… I’ve never seen you be so… vulnerable, before. That’s all.” she defended, as if those words would amend the hurt she just caused Ouma.

She had a point though, Ouma thought. He had never been particularly expressive during these meetings, so it made sense for the therapist to be a bit suspicious. However, that didn’t change the fact that it still stung, his reputation as a liar ever so prevalent.

And to make matters worse, Harukawa just had to be the next one to speak.

“I find it hard to believe that you have nightmares about what happened in the virtual world.” Harukawa stated flatly. “You had plenty of chances to prevent that murder from happening, but instead you chose to manipulate an innocent person into committing murder. You chose to have that murder occur.”

“But would you have believed him if he came to you, saying that he was about to be murdered?” Hoshi of all people cut in, fighting against Harukawa’s words. He sighed when he received quite the number of glares, putting his hands up defensively. “Look, all I’m saying is that given how little trust you all have in him, none of you would’ve believed Ouma if he came to you saying he was about to be murdered. You basically forced his hand.”

Harukawa had another rebuttal prepared but Iruma spoke first, cutting her off before she even had the chance to speak.

“I-It’s all my fault, okay? I’m the one who wanted to kill Ouma in the first place, so if you’re gonna blame anyone blame me!” Iruma sputtered, guilt lacing her every word. “Don’t take it out on him, just… I’m sorry, okay?”

Ouma was genuinely taken aback by Iruma standing up for him, not having expected her to be on his side. If anything, she should be the one who was the most opposed to him resulting in her death, so having someone besides Saihara be on his side for once felt refreshing.

“I think we should believe Ouma-kun if he says he has a nightmare about something.” Saihara steered the conversation back to the original topic. “I don’t think it would benefit him to lie here…”

Ouma crossed his arms and slumped back in his seat, sulking. The fact that it took multiple people standing up for him to get people to believe him was insulting to say the least, and it didn’t help that he barely wanted to be talking about this in the first place. He prayed that someone else would talk soon, changing the focus of the conversation onto them instead.

Luckily, Saihara must have sensed this as well, as he cleared his throat and began talking about the nightmares he experienced. Ouma finally relaxed, closing his eyes and simply listening to Saihara’s voice, pretending they were alone together. It didn’t take long for the session to end after that.

----------

When the session was over Ouma left as quickly as possible, wanting to avoid getting into any unwanted conversations. Saihara noticed this and called out to Ouma to get his attention.

“Ah, Ouma-kun!” Saihara jogged up to Ouma, walking side by side with him.

“Yessss, my beloved Saihara-chan?” Ouma fluttered his eyelashes, staring up at Saihara innocently.

“Uh, I have to tell you something, but…” He glanced around him, noticing all the other people around them, “We should probably go somewhere private first.”

“Hmm…” Ouma lifted a finger to his chin in mock thought, “Okay! But only because you asked so nicely!”

Saihara smiled, walking Ouma back to his room. Once they got there Saihara shut the door behind them while Ouma flopped down on the bed.

“So what did you want to talk about?” Ouma asked.

Saihara’s smile only grew wider as he observed Ouma, who finally seemed to be warming up to trusting him.

“I can’t believe you did that today.” Saihara stated, still smiling.

“Hm? Did what?” Ouma pretended to be confused, but he knew exactly what Saihara was talking about.

Saihara walked closer, sitting down next to Ouma on the bed.

“You volunteered to talk about yourself during today’s session. I’ve never seen you be that vulnerable in front of everyone else…” Saihara turned towards Ouma, making eye contact with him. “I’m proud of you, Ouma-kun.”

Ouma felt his face heat up after hearing those words. Saihara was… proud of him? Something about that sentence made his heart flutter, as if he would do anything to hear those words again, or to have Saihara look at him so fondly again… But for now, he wanted to enjoy this moment.

“Y-Yeah, whatever…” Ouma looked away, hoping that Saihara wouldn’t see the blush on his cheeks. “It’s not a big deal, you know…”

Saihara laughed, a real, genuine laugh, one that he reserved for close friends and family, one that was seldom heard by even those people. To say the very least, it was mesmerizing to Ouma.

It was over all too soon as Saihara stood up, making his way to the door.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” Saihara gave him one last smile before he exited, leaving Ouma to deal with his flurry of emotions.

----------

Ouma wasn’t the only one dealing with his feelings right now.

Saihara closed his door behind him, slumping down against the doorframe.

...There’s no way, right? It’s just not possible! I can’t…

He sighed, burying his face in his hands.

I can’t have feelings for Ouma-kun…! There’s no way he would ever like me back!

Saihara squeezed his eyes shut, trying to steady his breathing.

Okay, just relax… Everything is going to be fine… Just because you’ve been spending a lot of time together, and the way he looks up at you with those big purple eyes is adorable, and the way your heart flutters whenever you’re around him, doesn’t mean that you like him that way!

He looked up, staring at the ceiling of his room before speaking aloud.

“...Oh no…”

[internet-woman]

My Son Is Bullying His Asian Classmate About the Pandemic

He’s already suspended, but how else should we punish his racism?

By Nicole Chung

March 03, 2021 5:59 AM

Dear Care and Feeding,

My 9-year-old son was recently suspended, and may be expelled, for “teasing” (bullying) an Asian American student. My son harassed the other student and regularly insinuated that he caused the pandemic and got his classmates to join in. I’m appalled. I have no idea where he heard these types of messages, because neither my husband nor I have ever even come close to suggesting anything like that. He only goes to school and comes home, so it’s not like there are other adults in his life he could have heard this from. I’ve never heard any report of him bullying others—he was actually the one being bullied last year! He’s grounded from all electronics for six months, but that doesn’t feel like enough. What is the appropriate punishment for racism?

—Mortified in Maryland

Dear Mortified,

Our kids live in the same country we do. As Beverly Daniel Tatum wrote in her book Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria, “Prejudice is one of the inescapable consequences of living in a racist society. Cultural racism … is like smog in the air. Sometimes it is so thick it is visible, other times it is less apparent, but always, day in and day out, we are breathing it in.” Even if your son didn’t hear this garbage at home, the former president spent months shouting about the “China Virus” and the “Kung Flu,” and there are still all the other kids and adults in your son’s life—plus a whole internet out there.

Resisting racist scapegoating of the type we’ve seen directed at Asians since the pandemic started requires more than the passive hope or assumption that your kid won’t hear such hateful things or believe them if he does. Given the society we live in and the narratives we’re all being exposed to whether we like it or not, helping our kids first recognize and then reject racist lies like this requires our active, ongoing work. There’s no neutral choice or position here: If we’re not challenging and educating our kids about racism, we leave them at risk of perpetuating it—or enabling it, standing by and silently watching while others are harmed. This, also from Tatum’s book, is something I think about a lot, because I know that I also have and will always have work to do in this area:

Each of us needs to look at our own behavior. Am I perpetuating and reinforcing the negative messages so pervasive in our culture, or am I seeking to challenge them? If I have not been exposed to positive images of marginalized groups, am I seeking them out, expanding my own knowledge base for myself and my children? Am I acknowledging and examining my own prejudices, my own rigid categorizations of others, thereby minimizing the adverse impact they might have on my interactions with those I have categorized? Unless we engage in these and other conscious acts of reflection and reeducation, we easily repeat the process with our children. We teach what we were taught. [emphasis mine]

You wrote asking what the “appropriate punishment” is for racism. It’s not that I think there shouldn’t be consequences for bullying, but your child has already been suspended and may be expelled. If I were you, I don’t think I’d want to get too mired in the task of meting out just the “right” punishment. All the punishment in the world isn’t going to make someone less prejudiced. Even if your kid no longer says racist things because he doesn’t want to get in trouble at home or at school, it’s his thinking you want to change—it would not be great, I’m sure you’ll agree, if he went through the world believing awful things about his fellow human beings and just not voicing them. (And let’s be real: He would probably voice them! At least, he would if the only thing currently keeping him in check is that you’ve taken his iPad.) The question is not so much “How exactly should you punish your son for the one racist thing he’s said that you’ve actually heard about?” but “How are you going to talk with him about the racist thing he did and the other racist beliefs he might be harboring?”

The good news is that you can try to teach him and redirect his thinking. He did a terrible thing, but at 9, he’s probably still reachable. (I do want to warn you that you may have only so long to intervene before he finds his way to a scary part of Reddit or a far-right site focused on recruiting.) Since the example you have is his anti-Asian racism, you can start with that: He should receive the immediate, unequivocal message that racially targeting and blaming Asian Americans for the coronavirus is wrong. He should hear this from you, and you should help him understand why. It sounds like maybe you assumed he would know better just because you never personally encouraged him to be suspicious of or hateful toward Asians. But he clearly needs more than merely the absence of conscious, stated racism—he needs you and others to have real conversations with him about this, to challenge him on his lack of compassion for his classmate as well as his biased thinking, to point out how today’s pandemic scapegoating and attacks are part of this country’s long history of anti-Asian prejudice (which, in turn, can’t be considered without confronting anti-Blackness and the violence and harm done to other communities). You can make it clear that behavior like his could feed hatred and incite violence, that that is the legacy he’s part of when he targets his Asian classmate and gets others to join in.

It’s not too harsh to tell him this—he needs you to give him the truth and to make the implicit explicit. It will take more than one conversation, and that’s OK. These discussions with our kids are meant to be frequent and ongoing, and should increase in nuance and complexity as they are able to understand more. In the end, your son may not actually change his thinking based on what you say, but he should still be told that what he did was racist, that continuing to say and believe such things is racist, and that racist statements and behavior won’t be tolerated at school or in your home.

As a kid, I too was “teased” for being Asian. It started when I was younger than your son. A particular bully lived near me, and after a typical day of having him yell slurs at me during recess (which I think I still might prefer to being accused of causing a pandemic that’s killed millions), sometimes I’d see him around the neighborhood. One afternoon I tried to call him out, albeit feebly, in his mother’s earshot—it was the only time I told an adult what was happening, even in a roundabout way, and I couldn’t tell you what got into me, unless maybe I thought his mom was the one person who’d care about his behavior. She heard me saying he was racist for making fun of my eyes and calling me “names” (I didn’t know to call them slurs). She turned to her son and said, “If this is true, I don’t know where you learned it. I thought you knew better.”

Can you understand when I tell you that, to me, it’s never really mattered where he learned it, or whether he had his Game Boy taken away, or whether his parents punished him at all? What matters is that his mother had a chance to do something that day, with the new information she had. She could have decided to take necessary, ongoing action—perhaps uncomfortable for her and her son, but morally right and potentially life-changing for a lot of people, including him. She could have followed up with meaningful questions, reached out to my parents and our teachers, and, above all, started seriously, intentionally talking with and educating her son about the humanity of all his classmates and why he shouldn’t say or believe racist things. I suspect she did none of this, though I have no proof beyond the fact that he continued being a racist and a bully. The point is, as his parent, she had an opportunity then, just like you have an opportunity now. I hope, for the sake of your kid and countless others, that you take it.

[stickykeys633]

Changing thing up a bit @capricornsicle, that other post was becoming unwieldy.

You think you’re on a crusade to expose fandom racism and bias in Teen Wolf, but in doing so, because TW is such a specific beast, you make assumptions and add unnecessary hyperbole to your arguments. 

You’ve assumed and ran with the idea that I’m white (many do, which is strange since my icon is a black woman) and you’ve treated me a certain way because of it. But then in the same breath you’ll say there’s inherent bias against Scott McCall, a character that many people saw as white played by an actor who is white passing. 

There’s also this underlying statement that any majority of people see Scott as Latinx and automatically make it a negative thing which again, isn’t true, specifically not in Teen Wolf. 

I’ve found the antis like to take black racism experiences and try to fit Scott into that category, but even a small thing like colorism makes it so it’s not equitable. 

that’s a general statement about fans and critics alike holding characters of color up to a higher standard than white characters. It’s not everyone, it’s certainly not an attack on anyone, but it happens a lot, across various fandoms. White characters are much more often forgiven for the things they do than characters of color who do the same things.

This doesn’t happen with the frequency you think and in the Teen Wolf fandom when it does happen it is rarely if ever in regards to Scott. Other, more evident characters of color yes.. And the wild examples that the antis present are never equitable. Even when presented with context, they often have to padd it and stretch it to make it seem like some infraction has been done. What it does is seek to absolve Scott of ANY wrong doing, when really there is fault laid at both parties. 

I’ll provide a couple of examples in the moment, but the bottom like is that Stiles/Derek/Peter stans acknowledge their faults and many times love them because of it. On the show Scott was never given the chance to acknowledge his faults, the show refused to admit that he needed to grow and be redeemed of anything. This was a misstep because he became unpalatable, not as a perfect icon, but as someone whose actions didn’t hold relevant consequences. 

The Donovan Incident

Now, I disagree with some key points, but overall I think this is the most important part:

They fought, like teenagers do, especially teenagers who have gone through that kind of trauma, and then, in 5x13, they’re talking outside a gas station, and they talk and get over it,

If everyone could agree that this happened, this would be a much better place. But antis will not chalk up the experience for the contrived nonsense it was and become so enraged when people blame Scott that they can’t let it be and suddenly we’re all racists. 

Which, using racism as a tool to sooth butthurt is not okay and we see it time and time again. They take every seedling and think, “how can I add racism to this so I get my way?” which is pathetic, but also sullies the impact of real racism on the show. 

During this time Tracey was murdered, Mason was non-existent, they killed Noah and Lucas sent Kira to the desert and left her there. But being mad at Scott for intentionally misunderstanding Stiles is what’s racist? This is why antis and SDP Stans constantly bump heads. Everyone has been in a friend group where some new interloper comes in and riles things up. Usually trying to steal someone’s man, but you know there are certain things you do when that happens and Scott made ALL the wrong moves. He knew Stiles didn’t trust Theo and openly disliked him, it should have been an immediate red flag when Theo started in with Stiles violently killing someone in cold blood. Additionally, I would have LOVED if the show made the connection to Scott still being traumatized by Nogi, but again, the show made it seem like Scott was JUST FINE! and again, a disservice was made to his character. 

The point is that a not insignificant number of fans label Scott as a constant bad friend, as someone who’s always a bad influence on Stiles, and that’s really not the case.

People who label him as a constant bad friend use this as ONE example of it. I actually questioned their friendship after Motel California. I remember there were a couple of beats that made it clear they weren’t sandbox buddies, and probably met in the community little league (was it little league or soccer that they met Theo? I forget?). There have been several instances of them not being as close as they claimed. 

If Stiles can be forgiven for throwing lacrosse balls at Scott (which really fucking hurt, speaking from experience) and keying some random loner kids’ car to get him beat up because Lydia kissed him

Just a side note, Stiles was havign his fun, yes, but Scott was completely complicit in these scenes and knew 100% what was going on. Stiles was helping Scott by testing his tolerance and helping him control his heartbeat and yes they did it in bonehead teenage boy ways, but there was nothing malicious or racially motivated about it. Talk about holding characters to different levels. You’ve all made the white characters irredeemable supremacists when nothing in the canon alludes to this. 

a few antis forgive Stiles but condemn Scott. And that’s because of racial bias that makes those particular antis hold Scott to much higher standards than his white friends, which is a nice way of saying it’s racism.

Which again, is wrong in that you have absolutely no way of quantifying this for every viewer. There’s no such thing as special Scott centric racism. If someone is racist, they’re going to show it against anyone not white on the show, and that’s simply a) not the case and b) impossible to determine from the asks of one anon and some misinterpreted fic. 

Liking Scott isn’t pro-POC, no, but it is tied to racial issues in Hollywood, popular media, and fandom. Scott being Latinx (despite the fact it never comes up, he’s played by a Latinx actor and is undoubtedly TV’s favorite “ambiguously brown”) makes him connected to racial issues.

But it doesn’t, because Teen Wolf was specifically created as a world without color so coding Scott as race-neutral meant that audiences had the choice to view him that way and many did. I mean, look at the show, he has two white Italian actors playing his parents, his last name is McCall and his mother’s maiden name was Delgado which could mean anything. Jeff had a habit of casting white women with Latinx last names they got from a gracious step-father, it’s not a leap to say this was true of Melissa. This is why I refuse to give the show any representation points. Diversity sure, they’re there, but they’re not well represented and again, this neither starts nor ends with Scott McCall. 

Liking Scott is something that a lot of viewers of color end up doing

Again, not entirely true. Liking Boyd? Yes. Deaton, Morrell, Kira? Yes. Scott? Sure... the response to Scott from Latinx fans was varied in interesting ways. Some went up hard for him and while I don’t acknowledge the show’s version of Scott, I write him as half Mexican in every fic. There are some who, like you, were so excited to see someone like themselves and that’s beautiful and awesome. There were also some that started excited but then were like “oh, he’s playing a white boy” which people like to forget was VERY much a thing. There was no reason to think Scott was white and in fact when Jeff received the Alma award, it was for casting Posey and not necessarily having a Latinx character. In the beginning of Teen Wolf he was actually asked if Scott was white (the phrase they used was “All American” which...), And there were still others who hated Scott instantly and thought he was wack and did NOT see themselves in him.

So even within the Latinx community alone there were several opinions. Now spread that out to hundreds of thousands and then millions of viewers. So when you say “Liking Scott is something a lot of VOC end up doing” you’re creating a value based judgement on the idea of liking YOUR version of Scott McCall. 

Which isn’t fair and isn’t correct. 

YOU ended up liking Scott because YOU appreciated the interpretation. No one can take that away from you. But when you cast this net of racism, you’re gonna end up with a lot of things that don’t fit the term and a lot of people mad that they’re caught in your web of racial bias. 

if it’s the burden of POC to fight for representation tooth and nail, then that’s the fight I’ll be fighting.

Part of it is that sometimes I worry that if I don’t post about them, if I don’t post gifs of them and talk about them and make them be part of the teen wolf tag on this site, no one else is going to.

We talked about this with your first post. Generally I’m sympathetic, but I do take issue with your methods. Yes, I’ve seen those gif tax posts and I love the concept, but... tax is something you pay in the exchange for something that you want. I don’t see POC characters as tax and I get it’s just a clever way to name what you’re doing, but I think it makes it so negative when celebrating the POC characters should be an enjoyable and inclusive thing. 

If you feel alone, it’s because you haven’t reached out to anyone. I know a lot of creators who make content for characters of color, The problem is that when you accuse people of focusing on white characters in a show FULL of white characters and cover them with a blanket of systemic bias, you’re alienating a lot of people who don’t want the drama. 

Someone just released some ao3 stats of POC characters in Sterek fics verses TW fics as a whole and Kira was sadly underrepresented, showing up in just under 45% of fics. My answer to that isn’t to scream at Stereks about how racist they are against Asians. Instead, I wanna have a Kira appreciation event, but until I can, I make sure to write Kira into my fics because I love her. I repost gifsets with her in them, I comment and seek out people who create for her and support them and if you approach some creators, the’re happy to be amenable. I’ve left comments on fics asking for a certain character and sometimes they rightfully say no, but sometimes it’s not a problem and the change is awesome. 

I feel like the bulk of antis have an idea in their mind and don’t give anyone else a freaking chance. And then, when anything negative is said about Scott, they go awf like SEE!!?!> RACISM!!!!!! when it’s honestly not the case. The anon doesn’t represent even the minority of the majority of stereks. Tumblr doesn’t, ao3 doesn’t, twitter doesn’t. That’s why it’s so much less stressful to find out ways to insert diversity and representation rather than browbeating others to do it out of shame.  

There’s this perceived bias that worms it’s way in that simply doesn’t exist at the levels you think it does. Because not only are you assuming that people dislike the characters of color because of their color, but also that they harbor negative feelings.

But, as we’ve learned from K-pop fans, it seems white people are much more willing to enjoy and put out East Asian representation than representation of people darker than them

Kira was undoubtedly brought in to bring a more Asian audience, but again, racism isn’t a pick and choose kind of thing. People who hated Kira and love Scott do not see Scott as Latinx. And Kira has more posts by a small margin mostly because she was there and she had a family and large ties to the plot. Not because kids loves k-pop (which wasn’t even that big during her run). 

And THIS:

Boyd is stereotyped as the big, buff Black guy who’s aggressive and athletic (but almost never seen as the brains of the group, despite his intelligence,xxx and comes from a poor background and answers to an assertive white man without question

Boyd was specifically not stereotypes as aggressive and athletic, and in all fanfic is usually the one who reasons and is most level headed. He came from a poor background, but so did Isaac, and he questioned Derek and Scott. This is what I mean, while I agree that it’s your interpretation, you can’t say it’s a universal interpretation and then judge others because of it. 

The only time I care is when people specifically dislike Scott because of perceived affronts to Stiles and/or Derek, and I say “perceived” because I refer specifically to ones those specific anons and antis take completely out of context, blow out of proportion, or just make up.

Lol, again, your perception, because I can give you several canon based reasons to be upset with Scott, but of course you’ll find a way, no matter how tangential to twist it, because he’s your fave and canon is a mess. This is the freaking point. Let people have their stories. It’s not hurting you if you also add in yours. 

I do not believe it is possible for a 16-year-old to consent to a romantic and/or sexual relationship with a 24/25-year-old, but this post isn’t about that

Please don’t believe that you’re the first person to try this argument because you’re not and also Derek was at most 23 when Stiles was 17 (and to make it more interesting he was 19 in the original unaired pilot, but they aged him up so Kate wouldn’t be full on statutory rape, good times!)

https://stickylovessterek.tumblr.com/post/151831687742/sterek-is-not-pedophilia

Now you might not like it, and that’s totally fine and valid. But age has no basis in their relationship. I’m more interested in power dynamics, which is why I didn’t like Aria/Fitz on PLL or Marrish (which I could have been on board for, but this show is trash). 

with perhaps me as Stiles, you as Scott, and the anon playing Theo during his villain phase circa season 5, trying to turn two people against each other over a larger ethics debate

Well, no, clearly I’m the Stiles since I’m right (i kid, I kid), but honestly, you’re the one putting the anon in this. I’ve been ignoring their hyperbole and we’ve been telling the antis to pick and choose and be discerning with their posts. That has nothing to do with me. If we’re Scott and Stiles then it’s one of us talking and the other not listening and doing theings they’re own way and the fact that both of us have different ideas as to which is which is really part of the fun. 

But it’s not racism. 

[dweemeister]

Once Upon a Time in America (1984)

Italian director Sergio Leone made a name for himself worldwide with the Dollars trilogy of Westerns starring Clint Eastwood as the Man with No Name. These movies, along with Once Upon a Time in the West (1968), had more stylized violence than the typical Hollywood Western, and audiences flocked to see what some waved off as pulp novelties. During this period, an idea had been reverberating in Leone’s mind; no longer could he ignore his imagination’s wills. Leone’s success led him to spend ten years working on this passion project, even declining an offer to direct The Godfather (1972). Based on The Hoods by Harry Grey, Once Upon a Time in America is a gangster epic filled with betrayal, crime, graphic violence, and regret. The film alternates between three time periods: the late 1910s/early ‘20s, the final three years of Prohibition from 1930-1933, and 1968. It is Leone’s most ambitious project after a thirteen-year absence from filmmaking, and his last.

In New York City’s Lower East Side, we follow a handful of young Jewish boys who engage in petty thievery, grow to complete contracts for organized crime, and later make their fortunes bootlegging during Prohibition. The film centers on David “Noodles” Aaronson (Robert De Niro as adult Noodles; Scott Tiler as a child). He is first seen in a Chinese opium den in 1933 after seeing three of his friends’ corpses – burnt beyond recognition – whisked away from a crime scene. A non-diegetic telephone rings during this wordless montage – a blaring, ceaseless ringing serving as an aural pang of guilt. That guilt will be gradually explained as the film progresses. Soon after this opium-induced retreat, Noodles will depart New York City for Buffalo. He will return decades later, his hair and soul fading, after receiving a suspicious invitation. Once Upon a Time in America’s first half concentrates on Noodles’ childhood, alternating with scenes from his 1968 return. The film’s second half intercuts between Prohibition and 1968.

Noodles’ boyhood friends are the protagonist’s de facto family. They include Patrick “Patsy” Goldberg (James Hayden as adult Patsy; Brian Bloom as a child), Philip “Cockeye” Stein (William Forsythe as an adult Cockeye; Adrian Curran as a child), Dominic (Noah Moazezi), and Maximillian “Max” Bercovicz (an excellent and up-and-coming James Woods as adult Max; Rusty Jacobs as a child). Fat Moe (Larry Rapp as an adult Moe; Mike Monetti as a child) is not part of the gang, but is nevertheless a friend who knows their secrets. The film also features Noodles’ young love interest, Deborah (Elizabeth McGovern as adult Deborah; a debuting Jennifer Connelly as a child) and friend/underage prostitute Peggy (Amy Ryder as adult Peggy; Julie Cohen as a child). Also appearing in the film are Joe Pesci (whose unclear role in the film is heavily downplayed in the European cut), Burt Young, Tuesday Weld, Treat Williams, and Danny Aiello. Louise Fletcher's cameo appears only in the most recent restoration.

Before continuing with this review, I want to note that there are multiple versions of Once Upon a Time in America available to viewers. Leone’s film debuted at the 1984 Cannes Film Festival with a runtime of 229 minutes (the “European cut”). For the American general release one week later, the film’s distributor (the Ladd Company, via Warner Bros.) cut the film to 139 minutes without Leone’s permission or input. The American theatrical cut – which was released on VHS in the 1980s and ‘90s and sometimes appears on television – rearranges scenes to play in a strictly chronological structure and removes essential plot details, essentially butchering Leone’s directorial intent. A 2014 Blu-ray release of Once Upon a Time in America includes additional footage bringing the runtime to 250 minutes, but the additional footage – due to the degradation of the original negative – appears worse for wear. This review is based on the European cut, which is the recommended print for all those seeing this film for the first time.

With a screenplay by Leone, Leonardo Benvenuti, Piero De Bernardi, Enrico Medioli, Franco Arcalli, and Franco Ferrini, Once Upon a Time in America is told through the lens of an unreliable narrator in Noodles. How one views the film changes radically depending on which period should be considered the “present”. If the viewer interprets Once Upon a Time in America as using the 1968 scenes as its anchor, the film is an old man’s reverie – where a lifetime of guilt is revisited and ghosts are confronted. In this interpretation, are Noodles’ memories of his childhood and young adulthood sanitized to spare him further pain? How does he square with all the pain he has been responsible for? Or perhaps one might view Once Upon a Time in America using 1933, as Noodles retreats to the opium den, as the anchor. Here, the 1968 scenes become an opium dream or a nightmare, a painful future that may have been. If indeed this is an opium-induced dream (which would make the 1968 scenes nothing but a hallucination), does that make the childhood scenes even less genuine than in the former interpretation? That Leone and his writers never force the viewer down either avenue speaks to its thoughtful screenplay.

No matter how one reads this film, it requires complete attention. Characters age over fifty years, friendships are formed and destroyed, and innocence is forever lost. Whether it is viewed as an old man occupied by his violent past or a young gangster attempting to smoke away his pain, Once Upon a Time is awash in regret. As much as viewers might sympathize with Noodles, Leone’s film portrays Noodles’ violence as the result of terrible choices influenced by his friends. Granted, there is one occasion where he kills in self-defense. But even that killing is laced with rage and revenge. Faced with the choice between his friends and the money involved with their operations and being with Deborah, Noodles will attempt to have both. Deborah’s disapproval of the gang’s behavior – her opposition becomes more tacit as she ages – assures that Noodles retain some semblance of a conscience as Max’s arrogance permeates through all their friends. Neither fully committing to the appeals from Deborah or his friends, Noodles will lose both.

In the film, smoke or steam is usually present just before or during moments tinged of bittersweet memory. Whether emanating as puffs from an opium pipe, the steam billowing from New York City’s manholes on a frigid day, or discharges from a passenger train, it is a demarcation of an event that will irrevocably affect Noodles’ life. Potentially, due to the film’s openness to interpretation, smoke or steam may also herald moments where Noodles’ memories are most suspect – through conscious reframing of his story or opium-influenced phantasms. Either way, certain narrative threads are left incomplete, raising questions over whether those dangling characters and subplots were Leone’s original intention. Perhaps Leone here is acknowledging the voids in human memory – people and things half-forgotten. Unlike its genre counterparts, Once Upon a Time in America leaves little space for comic relief. Any levity in the film is snuffed out almost immediately due to monstrous lust, performative masculinity, or Noodles’ weariness. The elderly Noodles is stone-faced, wrapped into a world frozen in time the moment he boarded that train to Buffalo. His pain is omnipresent in Once Upon a Time in America. Even in the earliest scenes of his childhood, the years of rumination can be felt in the film’s deliberate pace. Robert De Niro and Scott Tiler, respectively, embody the older Noodles’ sorrow and the younger Noodles’ conflicted feelings.

Like American Western films, the gangster genre is rife with mythologizing and, at times, a glorification of their protagonists’ violent lives. Where Westerns over the last half-century have deconstructed their role in the American mythos, the gangster film – probably because gangster films were never as ubiquitous as Westerns at their respective pinnacles of popularity – has not done so nearly as much introspection. Before Martin Scorsese’s Goodfellas (1990) and especially The Irishman (2019), Once Upon a Time in America stood mostly alone among gangster films as a rueful examination of its protagonist’s violent lifestyle. The film consistently undermines its characters’ celebrations and successes with the consequences of their prior actions. Those consequences weigh on Noodles still.

But Leone is not entirely successful in this regard. Once Upon a Time in America has two overlong rape scenes – both of which turned my stomach the longer they went on – following a fruitful robbery (this one follows an unsettling submissive fantasy by its victim) and a glamorous date, respectively. The two rapes are committed by Noodles; both scenes serve to highlight his descent into depravity rather than express a minimal concern for the victim. Once Upon a Time in America, already uninterested in developing its female characters beyond sex objects, frames Noodles as a husk of a man because of the murders and robberies he has committed, not his treatment of women. Just because the film has adopted Noodles’ viewpoint – in his childhood and young adulthood, he cannot differentiate between objectification and love – does not mean Leone and his screenwriters can wave away his misogyny as secondary to his violent tendencies. His misogyny and criminality are distinguishable, but both were learned from the same people and environment. This dynamic persists even from the first moment that Jennifer Connelly appears as the young Deborah. There, Deborah sexually teases the young Noodles in a way that neither reflects her personality as a child or as an adult. Is that the result of the opium clouding Noodles’ memory or is it Noodles’ obsession with Deborah?

Once Upon a Time in America is beautifully shot by Tonino Delli Colli (1966’s The Good, the Bad and the Ugly, 1997’s Life Is Beautiful) and edited by Nino Baragli (The Good, the Bad and the Ugly, Once Upon a Time in the West). Like a photograph that has faded somewhat but still captures the likeness and character of its subjects, the brown environments and warmly-lit interiors capture the spirit of these neighborhoods of New York City’s Lowest East Side. Life is hardscrabble here, with those born into the prevalent poverty rarely escaping from it. Their Jewishness, verbally and visually, is strangely downplayed by Leone. The film’s long takes – several last over thirty seconds – without any cuts from Baragli allow the viewer to reflect on its changing characters, internalizing the film’s scope and depth of Noodles’ introspection. For the 1968 scenes, the browns are mostly replaced by overcast grays in exterior and interiors. The colors, no longer as warm or as diverse, help the film navigate its temporal and tonal transitions.

Ennio Morricone’s powerful score does even more to strengthen the film’s emotional power. The recently-passed composer, best known for his work on Leone’s Dollars trilogy, was a classically-raised/taught, jazz-loving experimenter whose sound could be bold and brash. Upending expectations for what the Western could sound like with anachronistic electronic elements and guitar, Morricone suspends any anachronisms for his Once Upon a Time in America score. The viewer will hear an odd pan flute (not Morricone’s decision) and diegetic/non-diegetic jazz music, but the defining aspect of the score is its romantic minimalism. One does not associate minimalism with grand emotions, but the score’s romantic minimalism – encapsulated by “Deborah’s Theme” – does not preclude the pathos it evokes. The rests in the lushly-orchestrated “Deborah’s Theme” (according to Morricone himself, despite the cue’s name, it can also be interpreted as the film’s main theme) reflect Noodles’ silent longing and remorse. Even at mezzo piano with no dialogue or sound effects present, Morricone’s cues pierce the soul. As longtime collaborators, Leone respected Morricone’s talents, allowing his friend and colleague’s music to be the star for long stretches. Leone allows Morricone to envelop the viewer in its textural splendor. The orchestral renditions of “Amapola” and The Beatles’ “Yesterday” are effective in placement and arrangement. Whether it is his theme for childhood and poverty, for the film at large, or for Deborah, Morricone’s score to Once Upon a Time in America is an essential part of his film scoring career – a career that spans so many titles, that most of it has not been heard outside of his native Italy.

Before and when making this film, Leone intended to direct two films running around 180 minutes each. Convinced by his producers to whittle Once Upon a Time in America to the 269-minute version that should be sought for a first viewing, Leone was horrified to hear that the Ladd Company – frightened by the runtime and (justifiably) the rape scenes – decided to eviscerate his film. When word eventually (and inevitably) reached Leone’s North American fans that they would not be receiving a version of Once Upon a Time in America that respected Leone’s authorial voice, the film bombed at the box office and was savaged by most anyone who saw it. To some critics including the Chicago Tribune’s Gene Siskel, Once Upon a Time in America’s American theatrical version was the worst film of 1984; in an about face for those same critics, the European cut was the best film of 1984. Eighteen minutes of footage for Once Upon a Time in America have still not seen the light of day due to continuing legal entanglements surrounding them. Leone’s ardent admirers remain hopeful for their eventual inclusion on a future print.

As he challenged the tropes of American Westerns, so too did Leone subvert what might be expected from a gangster film. Or, perhaps with a cynical grin, Leone is challenging the essence and veracity of cinematic narrative. Once Upon a Time in America is an underappreciated, imperfect movie whose reputation continues to grow the further removed it is from its botched release. America’s traditions of tall tales and melting pot storytelling make villains and bystanders of the unsavory characters contained within. Haunted by a past that cannot be changed, Noodles attempts to reclaim his life’s story from those who have written it. As the viewer, we project our anxieties and insecurities onto images spliced to make narrative sense.  Authorship disputes and the struggle between legend and fact permeate cinema. Seldom do they converge as movingly as they do here.

My rating: 9.5/10

^ Based on my personal imdb rating. Half-points are always rounded down. My interpretation of that ratings system can be found in the “Ratings system” page on my blog (as of July 1, 2020, tumblr is not permitting certain posts with links to appear on tag pages, so I cannot provide the URL).

For more of my reviews tagged “My Movie Odyssey”, check out the tag of the same name on my blog.

[florcntissimaeaa]

@dreamtcloud​  asked : “But, I’m not that girl.” della @ donald

                     wicked sentence starters | accepting.

                    Donald  stood  silently,  his  arms  crossed  at  his  sister.  This  argument  was  had  more  often  than  Donald  even  liked  to  acknowledge.  All  he  wanted  from  Della  was  to  settle  down,  to  just  stop  &&  think  about  her  actions.  This  is  how  he’d  always  felt.  Not  that  Della  wasn’t  smart,  she  just  didn’t  think  about  the  consequences  sometimes.  Donald  knew  better  than  anyone  that  she  wasn’t  stupid.  But  he’d  be  lying  if  he  said  he  wasn’t  constantly  worried  about  his  sister  &&  the  choices  she  made,  even  now.  So  he  sighed,  dropping  his  arms  &&  shaking  his  head  at  her.  

           ❝I know, Della.. I can’t change you. No one can. You are who you are && as much as I wish you could be different — ❞  He  paused.  That  didn’t  come  out  right.  

                          ❝I just mean that you’re reckless, Della. But it’s who you are. I know you’ve been through a lot &&  you’ve learned from it all, but I’m still gonna worry about you. I’m hard on you because I don’t... I can’t lose you again. I --- ❞ 

          He  knew  that  she    was  trying.  He  couldn’t  discredit  that.  &&  to  expect  her  to  change  completely?  That  was  unfair  of  him  --  even  if  it  took  him  all  these  years  to  realize  it.  In  fact,  Donald  was  proud  of  how  far  she’d  come.  He  just  had  a  hard  time  expressing  that.  But  if  he  kept  preaching  to  her  about  changing,  about  not  being  herself,  he  was  going  to  lose  her  in  a  way  that  was  worse  than  the  last  eleven  years  without  her.  

                    Even  with  all  the  negative  feelings  he  had  toward  the  entire  situation,  the  last  thing  he  wanted  was  for  the  family  to  fall  apart  again.  He  still  wanted  to  talk  everything  out  with  Della,  but  that  was  easier  said  than  done.  Things  were  complicated  &&  most  likely,  they’d  end  up  screaming  at  each  other  &&  making  things  worse.  So  for  now,  Donald  had  to  swallow  his  issues  &&  just  be  happy  with  the  fact  that  the  near  impossible  had  happened  --  his  sister  was  alive  &&  found  her  way  home  to  their  family.  In  the  truest  Della  Duck  fashion,  she  never  gave  up  trying  to  get  home  to  the  boys  &&  that  was  enough  for  Donald  for  now.  Even  in  their  decade  long  separation,  they  had  the  same  goal:  Being  there  for  the  kids.  He  was  happy  she’d  have  the  chance  to  actually  do  it.  

                                          ❝I’m glad you’re home.❞                                                

[ironforgedrp]

♛   AELYN FLORENT

↳ details; female, 25, born on the twelfth day of the sixth month on 481 AC. ↳ status; heterosexual, betrothed, no children. ↳ faceclaim; synnove karlsen. ↳ hails from; the arbor, brightwater keep, the reach. ↳ loyalty; house redwyne, house tyrell.

↳ position/title; eldest daughter of lord florent, ward of house redwyne. ↳ religion; faith of the seven. ↳ magical ability; none. ↳ spoken languages; common tongue. ↳ reason for being in sunspear; to meet her betrothed, prince cedric tyrell.

♛   PERSONALITY

↳ type; enfj-a (protagonist). ↳ alignment; lawful good. ↳ star sign; gemini. ↳ positives; caring, charismatic, altruistic, social, intelligent, adaptable. ↳ negatives; overly idealistic, too selfless, sensitive, indecisive, impulsive, moody.

♛  BIOGRAPHY

↳ family lineage.

Daughter of Lady Arwyn Redwyne and Lord Kivan Florent of Brightwater Keep, Aelyn was born into House Redwyne and Florent, though the circumstances of her birth and early life were rather unfortunate. Her mother, Lady Arwyn Redwyne, the second-born child of House Redwyne and had spent her life being loved and dotted on. When the time came, the beautiful young woman was sent to Brightwater Keep in order to marry the Lord of House Florent, Kivan Florent. Lady Arwyn soon fell pregnant, though everyone’s joy was shorted lived, much like her own as she merely got a chance to hold her baby girl. The new mother caught an infection during childbirth and lost her battle with it after two weeks, leaving the baby girl in the sole care of her father and his family. The Florent family, however, was greatly displeased by the fact that they were given a sickly, weak bride who also gave them a girl instead of an heir. For Aelyn that had consequences; since she was a baby, Aelyn was treated not as a child of Lord Florent, but as an unwanted guest in their home, both by her father and his close family. As a baby, she was raised by her septa, the family had little to no involvement. Soon after her mother’s death, her father remarried and his new wife fell pregnant in a short time after the marriage. As the baby girl was growing older, it was becoming apparent that her father’s new bride did not want her, nor would she allow her to play with her own children. Aelyn was often kept away from her half-siblings or wasn’t allowed to have meals with the rest of the family at all. She often found herself busy with reading, practicing the high harp, dances, and when she could sneak away, she would play with the children of the servants and guards that were around her age. However, her step-mother was a strict woman and would often keep her isolated in her rooms, especially around guests, so none would see the embarrassment of the house. Aelyn felt completely alone and she found solitude in her books when her father and his wife wouldn’t allow her to practice any musical instruments or dances, simply keeping her in her rooms.

She had just turned seven years old when she heard that word had arrived that asked of her to be sent to her mother’s home as a ward. Overhearing the conversation between her father and his family made her almost leap with joy. Even though she was not quite certain of what all that meant, she was simply ecstatic that someone was asking after her, someone wanted her. Not long after, she was all packed up and boarded a ship to travel to the Arbor, her mother’s home, where she would eventually meet her uncle. Clinging to the railings, she watched as the waves rolled by, crashing against the ship, anticipating the time of her arrival. Her time at the Arbor was much like the child had dreamed of since her uncle’s letter arrived; she felt loved and valued, she was cared for, she no longer felt like they were ashamed of her, trying to hide her or wishing to send her away. Her care was trusted to a septa and her mother’s younger sister, and she was brought up learning all kinds of skills, including dances and the high harp she so loved. As the years passed, Aelyn was getting more involved in religious practices, as well as spending her time volunteering in many ways in order to help the less fortunate. Her life was full of love and meaning now, and she was growing to learn more and more about the struggles common people faced in their daily lives. The freedom and happiness she was surrounded by was threatened when her father sent word to her uncle demanding she returns to Brightwater Keep in order to be betrothed and secure the family an alliance. The news devastated her, though she obediently awaited as everything was packed and ready for her departure. Her uncle, Garland Redwyne ordered her trip to be postponed and she hoped and prayed that he had a plan that would not require her to return to those awful people she wished not to acknowledge as her family. News soon arrived naming her uncle Master of War and Ships and her betrothed to the King’s younger brother, Prince Cedric Tyrell.

Aelyn was not displeased if anything she had faith and trust in her uncle’s decision. House Tyrell was a House she had grown fond of through the tellings of her family, reading of their story and achievements. A just and peaceful House, in her opinion. That match secured her, though she was certain her father must not be very pleased with not being the one to make the decision; she regarded her uncle more of a paternal figure than her biological father. Regardless of the opinion of House Florent on the matter, that allowed her to spend more time doing what she loved more, whilst still surrounded by her family; writing and reading. Her love for books had grown as she grew older. Spending a lot of time in town, and a lot of it in the library or the local bookshop. In all actuality, the bookshop held a familiarity to her since it was the first place she visited at the Arbor and a place she frequented; books had been her getaway when she was living in Brightwater Keep and this place offered a certainty. Aelyn befriended the old gentleman, often helping him out in the store. However, wanting to truly feel free and nobody to know her, really, she dressed in commoner clothing when visiting the store, not wishing to be offered any special treatment because of the status and name. She quickly became friends with the older man, so much so he treated her more like a daughter. It was one of those times when he confided in her about how stressed he was regarding the raise of taxes again. A fact that she confirmed was not a lone case; she knew many common people, and she spoke to most of them pretending to struggle herself, finding out they all faced similar problems. It was an awakening call. The young girl felt obligated to help, however, in reality, she held no real power over such matters, so she turned to what she knew best, wishing it would end up helping her friend, and all those who struggled financially or otherwise. She started writing her own pieces, mainly political ones, persuading the people to demand more rights or the leaders to be more compassionate towards their subjects. Her writings were focusing on a fairer taxing system based on one’s income rather than their status. Many struggled with feeding their families, too, and Aelyn wrote about all these hoping for the best. Using the printing press in the bookshop, she printed pamphlets and discretely put them in the baskets along with other pamphlets which she knew would be distributed around town by young delivery boys. Later on she wrote in order to be supportive of King Emeric on his opinion to separate from the Iron Throne. All of her pieces were published and signed under the name “Themis”, a name most would think to be male, and that enabled her to secure them being published as well as taken into consideration; it also served as to withhold her anonymity, not risking her family’s name for her, sometimes, controversial opinions.

Recently she traveled to Sunspear in order to meet her betrothed, determined to secure this alliance. She arrived a little late for the celebrations, though she was a little pleased she was not present at the attack during the Sun God and Goddess announcements.

↳ personality.

Aelyn is generally a people’s person; she is easy to talk to and communicate, she loves meeting new people and adapts in conversation and personalities very easily. She has a charm that draws people in and is never afraid to speak her mind with carefully placed words. She cares deeply for people and it is easy to win her over, which makes her too selfless sometimes to the point where she will bury her own needs in order to aid someone else, which can be taken advantage of. Overall she dreams of a better, fairer world where everyone has a chance, sometimes makes her too idealistic in her beliefs and writings. Her sensitive nature makes her more compassionate towards people in general, even when one does not deserve her kindness. Despite being pretty certain with what she wants in general when it comes to actually making a decision, she can be indecisive and impulsive in her judgment and actions. You can usually find Aelyn being happy and sweet, but she is also moody, her mood fluctuates easily, and often when something goes bad it can ruin her whole day, which also makes her a little bit dramatic.

↳ the splitting of the kingdoms.

It is her first time away from home and she is equally excited and terrified to be going to a new place, especially to meet a man who she is betrothed to. She, of course, has read a lot about Dorne and she wants to experience the life there, though the reason why she is coming to Dorne, aside from meeting Prince Cedric Tyrell, is more complex. She is supportive of King Emeric Tyrell with every fibre of her being, and she has a lot of faith in him as a ruler, hence why she personally feels it was a right decision to separate from the Iron Throne. However, what highly concerns her is the uncertainty regarding the dynamics between the more recently formed Kingdoms and how everything will work out. She does believe the Iron Throne King and Queen have always had good intentions and best interest, but her loyalty has always been to House Tyrell and her mother’s house, House Redwyne. The latest news regarding the attack immediately filled her with worries about what will come next and whether this summit will do more harm than good. However, she tries to be generally optimistic and also showcase her support towards her home and King.

    ♛    STATUS:  TAKEN