#this is insane i’m insane

[mothspore]

thinking about the way kaveh mourns the loss of a relationship with someone he sees every day

he has haitham in his life. he sees him every day. he LIVES with him for fucks sake, and yet his opinions of haitham are all thinly veiled guilt and mourning. he constantly talks about how close they were during school, how different their relationship was during school, etc, and then when that starts coming off a bit too sad, he starts going on about how much haitham has changed, and how he would never give him the satisfaction of thanks now

but that’s not true. it’s obvious that it’s not. he won’t thank haitham because he feels ashamed of the help he has received, he feels he is undeserving, especially after their fallout, after he said those words that were strong and hurtful enough to tear them apart completely. it’s not that he doesn’t want to thank haitham. he is afraid to.

he’s also trying to protect himself. he tries to keep haitham at an arm’s length, arguing instead of acknowledging conflicts as what they are, in order to protect himself from what he sees as an inevitable outcome of haitham kicking him out, removing him from his life. kaveh wouldn’t blame him, it was only fair. after all, that’s all he had ever known, as well.

kaveh is so used to loss. this situation with haitham is such dangerous uncharted territory for him, and that scares him. kaveh is used to losing and losing without any possibility for gain. his father passed, he will never come back. it’s not possible. his mother left for fontaine, and he stopped writing to her out of his own perceived responsibility for his father’s passing. she never reached out to him, either. he knows faranak will never return to sumeru.

what he said to haitham, he never expected for him to come back into his life. the arguments on the message boards and in annotations and such were just petty insults to him, haitham’s way of taking things out on him. he never expected haitham to offer his home up to help kaveh. the whole thing is so different that it scares him. he knows what to expect from loss, and he knows when to expect loss. but he has no idea how to cope with this. he spends all his time mourning the friendship they once had, skirting around acknowledging the help that haitham has extended to him, and waiting for the other shoe to drop, because he cannot comprehend that this could end in anything other than another loss, another hurt to add to his baggage. and he does not want to truly lose haitham again.

the only way he can ensure this for himself is to not allow the possibility of closeness again. he has flown too close to that before, felt that warmth, and been burned. he has watched those wax wings melt once before. he will not allow himself to fall again. he will not invite the sun in again, because he knows he won’t be able to resist the urge to fly too close once more, even knowing the perceived threat.

acknowledging the help haitham has provided would directly acknowledge that they are no longer enemies. it would invite some of that warmth, something that kaveh does not believe he deserves, and something he cannot afford. he does not want to lose again, so he pretends there is no chance to fix things, despite haitham’s clear attempts to prove otherwise.

[wwpbviiid]

I have so many magnus-related AMV ideas but I’m not a visual artist. I have aphantasia, I can’t even visualize things, and yet I have such ridiculously specific ideas! Does any artist need ideas I swear I have so fucking many

[noodles-and-tea]

Our hextech dream….

[omtai]

you can go outside and hit things with a stick. it’s spring you can do anything

[muffinghostie]

Oh project 2025 isn’t going to happen you’re being paranoid-

What the absolute fuck is this then? This country is so fucked.

[justonlytalktome]

[allagashed]

whenever i say “screaming crying throwing up” this is what i mean

[thedman0310]

hnnnnng

[bonesandpoetss]

“I’m fine!!”

Literally her:

[thenewgothicromance]

Every time I start feeling a little guilty for no reason about staying up writing until 3am, or sleeping in past 10, I think about that Hunter S. Thompson daily routine that’s like. 3pm: Wake up. 4pm cocaine. 4:30pm cocaine. 5pm cocaine. 6pm smoke a little weed. 7pm Loiter. 9pm start doing coke seriously 12am midnight: Start writing. Just for a little perspective like, I could be doing worse. I could be doing in fact so much worse.

[enthyrea]

in another universe, they grow up together

[michiiilada]

dead pixel

[fishing-lesbian-catgirl]

Desperately in love with an autistic girl voice:

[sparklycamembert]

how she looks at her catboy of infinite destruction when he gains the ability to destroy peoples memories after plunging the entire city into darkness (she’s very proud of him)

[werepires]

Happy 2025 everyone 🥂