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minustwofingers · 2 years ago

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exoplanet p.6 (ellie’s journals)

summary: you’ve won the life lottery as one of the few people on earth with parents who gained admittance to the most prestigous safezone in the world after the outbreak. but after a lab accident sends you out to jackson, wyoming, real life hits you fast. it’s a good thing that a hot lesbian finds u. (lol). mean ellie at first, slowburn, enemies to friends to lovers, fem reader asf

warnings: a significantly different writing voice! this is going to be a very different vibe from the other chapters since i had to write it as i imagine ellie would (which is a lot different than i do). slight nsfw content (mdni), language, mentions of violence/gore, angst, ellie’s pov is actually really depressing

a/n: soooo i know it’s been almost 3 months...and i’m really sorry about that! a lot of stuff happened in my life and i kind of fell off writing for quite some time. but i finish series, so i’m going to get through exoplanet in its entirety so i can finally give you all closure. some preliminary notes: know that these are modeled after how i imagine ellie would journal if she did journal this much. canonically she didn’t do that much writing that follows a narrative like it does here. i think it’s honestly a little ooc for her to be emotionally responsible enough to talk out her feelings, but given that there’s no other way to tell her side of the story (save for legit rewriting it from her perspective, which would take another 6 months or so and be horrifically repetitive), i decided to just suck it up and write it. i’m sorry if it sounds awkward, since she definitely doesn’t write in a voice that i have much experience with. the next chapter will be better!

word count: 5.5k

tags~ @intrnetdoll @dazedshoon @lovecaraya @pctcr @sariyaflowr @loser-keiji @prettyplant0 @666findgod @sawaagyapong @rystarkov @buzzybuzzsposts @addisonnie @galacticstxrdust @elliesbabygirl @pinkazelma @ariianelle @lu002 @blairfox04 @sparkleswonderland @elliesflower @muthafuckingstargirl @elliewilliamsissubermommyoml @eviestevie-14 @quicksilversg1rl @guacala @crtcrp @overtrred28

(i haven’t updated this yet bc my tags aren’t working)

a special special SPECIAL thanks to both @roarriita and @elliesflower for being soooo sexy and betaing for me. you both are so wonderful and helped me sm in feeling good enough to post this :)

without further ado, enjoy ellie’s journals!

January 20th, 2038

Today’s been…fucking…

I don’t even know where to start. I don’t get why this sort of shit always happens to me. First it was being bit and somehow surviving. Then it was getting carted off across the country. And now some girl basically falls out of the sky, claiming that she comes from some sort of paradise up North?

I’ll spare the immediate details. I don’t think I’ll forget the basic stuff—her name, the way she looked clutching at her knees in the clearing and shaking. That stupid shirt she had on and that expensive scarf.

I still want to believe that she’s just a liar who happened to get lucky with running into us, but even without Joel vouching for her story, I don’t think I’d ever be able to buy that she’d been living in the same world as us. I’ve never met someone without scars before. I didn’t know that there were people out there who didn’t have marked up arms and faces. Or people without calluses. Did you know that hands can be totally smooth?

Anyway. Tommy says that he’ll try and reach out across the contacts he has. Joel has her living right down the hall from me in the meantime, so now I have to share my bathroom. Hopefully the Terranovan authorities are good at finding people. She takes so fucking long to shower. It’s a wonder the whole compound still has hot water.

[One page of drawings follows: Dina smiling in the snow on her horse, Joel playing his guitar]

January 25th, 2038

Maria says that they’re thinking about breeding Shimmer soon. I know she told me because that means I’ll need to ride another horse for a little until she recovers and I know that we need another generation of foals, but it still made me cringe for Shimmer’s sake. She’s too free-spirited to be a mother. She doesn’t deserve that.

I went stargazing last night. It was pretty. Lots of shooting stars. I ran into the girl while I was coming back from the meadow. She gave me a weird look, and I could tell she wanted to ask me where I’d been but kept her mouth shut. Sometimes I regret dropping off that bag of clothes. I really fucking liked that gray sweatshirt, actually. I’m not even joking. It looks weird to see it on someone else.

[Half a page of drawing follows of the night sky with labeled constellations]

February 5th, 2038

Long time no see. I’ve been pretty busy with patrols and helping Maria with securing the walls. Joel made me try some of that coffee that our new house guest brought. It was just as awful as I remembered, but he seemed happy. So one point for the space girl. I guess.

Dina’s been hanging around more. She just broke up with Jessie (yes, again). She swears that it’s for good this time, but I’m not so sure. She also talks a lot about Y/N and what little detail she’s gathered about her life back in Terranova. I thought teasing her by asking her if she had a crush on Y/N would make her talk less about it, but it just made things worse.

I miss when things were normal.

[One page of drawings follows: one of Shimmer in cross-ties, another of a girl’s face, half-finished with the face scribbled out]

February 12th, 2038

Today I’m sad. I’m in bed with that book about astronomy that Joel nabbed for me on patrol a while ago and there’s a section I wanted to read that’s completely waterlogged. It shouldn't be a surprise. It’s decades old and has survived through an apocalypse. Normally things like this don’t bug me much because I’m so used to it. Half of my Savage Starlight collection is damaged. I don’t think I’ll ever find the first book to actually complete the series, and that’s okay, because I’ve never expected anything more. But now that I know that there’s a world out there where I’d never have problems like this, stuff like this hurts. It’s so stupid. I’m lucky to be alive. Compared to what’s left of the world population, I live a much cushier life than most. But for the first time in a while, I’m wishing for more.

“Greed is the enemy of happiness” is what Maria would say if I ever said this kind of shit out loud. But is it really? Or is it just realizing what life can be?

[Half a page of a drawing of the solar system, with each planet labeled]

February 22nd, 2038

Maria let me pick the sire for Shimmer’s foal. It felt kind of gross, to be honest. I asked Maria if there was any way for Shimmer to choose and I was only sort of joking, but she just laughed anyway and patted my back. I won’t have to worry about finding a new horse for another two seasons or so, she told me. It’ll be weird not having her for a little.

She also told me that there was still no word from anyone who knew anything about Terranova. She said this to me in this placating voice, like she thought that I was going to punch a hole in the wall or something after hearing it. That seems to be common when it comes to people talking about Y/N and me. I don’t know why so many people think I don’t like her staying with us.

I don’t, by the way. Let me be clear. But I mostly feel indifferent about her now. She doesn’t bother me as much anymore, not since she started getting out of the house. I think she might be helping in the gardens, but I’ve never actually asked. We don’t talk a whole ton. I don’t think she likes me all that much.

[A drawing of Shimmer’s head poking over her stall door that takes up one page]

March 2nd, 2038

Today was finally our first nice day of the year. I would’ve enjoyed it more if the bird that lives in the tree outside my window hadn’t blown me out of bed at 4 in the fucking morning. I’m exhausted now. It’s been a long day. Joel says I need to take Y/N out on patrol soon. Why, I have no idea. Maybe he just wants me to actually befriend her or something, and I do nothing but patrols now. He can’t possibly expect her to be a good patrol partner.

Thankfully, I checked the logs when I came back. The route he wants me to cover with her has been the quietest all season. I doubt we’ll run into anything. If we do, I’ll probably be able to handle it. Hopefully.

[Half a page of doodles, mostly of nature and wildlife with the exception of a half-finished doodle of an arm clad in a fabric that drapes like silk and a hand with polished nails]

March 3rd, 2038

Many surprising things were learned today. I can’t believe it’s illegal to be gay in Terranova. Sorry. I shouldn’t laugh. It’s just—out of all the things they could be bothered by, it’s that? Really?

March 12th, 2038

I haven’t been good at journaling recently. I don’t really want to talk about why. You know why.

[Six pages of drawings, with many unfinished doodles of Y/N—including but not limited to her on her horse, her reading on the couch, and one with her sitting in what is a very loose interpretation of a classroom, taking notes]

March 13th, 2038

I will feel more normal tomorrow. Hopefully.

[Two pages of drawings, all of Y/N. One is her bent over a book, the other is her smiling up at you]

March 14th, 2038

I did something really stupid. I think I should probably just document this here so I don’t accidentally drunkenly spill it all out to Dina at the next bonfire. This is so embarrassing. I don’t get why I feel this way. It’s so stupid, you know? To feel anything towards someone who’s so…I don’t know. Different.

She gives me the weirdest looks sometimes. I can’t tell what they mean. It feels like she’s judging me. And why wouldn’t she be? I bet all the girls she spends her time around back home are just like her—perfect, orderly, pretty, proper. The day before I took her patrolling she gawked at the shorts I was wearing. It was borderline offensive. Actually, fuck that. It wasn’t borderline. It was offensive. You don’t just stare at people like that. She should know that.

Anyway, I invited her over to my room last night. Normal, right? Because we’ve been doing that a little since I took her on patrol, by the way. I’m not sure if I mentioned that before. But this time I’m pretty sure she thinks I’m…I don’t know. Creepy? Strange? Scary? She told me that she thought I was intimidating. And then I called her “untouched”, like how some old-timer devout Christian wackjob or whatever would describe virginity. It was so fucking weird of me. I don’t know what got into me, but she kept doing this thing where she kicked my foot with hers or touched my knee and it just threw me off. It took me forever to fall asleep last night—I kept replaying what I’d said to her, especially how I’d told her that she wouldn’t have made it if she were me like I was some sort of hardcore survivalist. I think I embarrassed her. I’m never doing anything like this again. I’m going to be dead sober every time I see her from now on.

I’ll stop talking about that. Y/N did come back after I’d made a fool of myself and showed me her collection of movies, so maybe it wasn’t so bad. I haven’t watched any movies since I was with Cat. When we first started dating, I’d invite her over and she’d sit right where Y/N did last night. I’m trying to not think of the implications, because it’s space girl, and she’s going home sometime soon.

[Three pages of drawings follow—some nature drawings of ferns and moths, others of Y/N with wet hair, her knees tucked up to her chin like she’d been in Ellie’s bed that night]

March 19th, 2038

It’s the Spring Equinox. That’s the first thing Y/N told me this morning when she saw me in the kitchen this morning. She gave me a mini lecture on what that meant for the planet’s axis tilt and I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I already knew, since she seemed really excited to tell me.

I made a horrible discovery yesterday, by the way. Maria came up to me and told me that Tommy had decided to reach out to some of his other buddies up North to see if they had any connections to Terranova, and for the first time, I felt myself hoping that it wouldn’t work.

It’s awful. I shouldn’t be thinking like this. Even in Jackson, where things are comparatively much better than the rest of the world, there’s risk. Just this winter, one family had to be kicked out when they were found hiding an infected son. No one here is completely safe, just safer. I shouldn’t be selfish. Y/N needs to go where she’s meant to be, where there’s no chance of infection or invasion. I’ll be fine. I just need to get over whatever this is.

Speaking of her, I need to go get her to tell her that we’re heading out on patrol in just a few minutes. Fingers crossed she doesn’t accidentally shoot me, but Joel swore up and down that she knows how to handle a gun now. Sure. Haha.

I’m back. It’s the middle of the night and she only just left my room. I don’t know how much detail I need to go into—chances are I won’t forget this. But for bookkeeping purposes: patrol did not go so hot. I had to give her stitches without any local anesthesia. I’ve never given stitches to anyone nearly in my lap before. I was really nervous, too. I don’t think I’ve ever had to focus so much on keeping my hands steady when it came to stitching someone up before, not even with Joel.

I’m starting to think that maybe I was wrong about thinking that she didn’t like me. I still can’t tell exactly what she thinks of me, and I know that it’s a really bad fucking idea to be entertaining thoughts like these, but tonight she did something that made me reconsider. She got under the covers with me, and instead of moving away to keep us from touching, she rested her head next to mine on the pillow.

I hope she couldn’t hear how much my heart was racing. People can’t hear that kind of stuff, right? Even if they’re close?

I’m being ridiculous. There’s no way she—No. She doesn’t see me like that.

March 21st, 2038

She rested her head on my shoulder today. I don’t know what to think of it. If she was normal and grew up like the rest of us did, I would know exactly what to think. But she’s not normal, and it’s not fair of me to treat her like she is. Maybe this is, like, a culturally acceptable thing back from where she grew up. Maybe rich people just cuddle each other all the time. I wouldn’t fucking know, and unfortunately no one in this godforsaken town can help, because there’s a distinct lack of what Maria calls the “bourgeoisie”. They’re all either dead or back where Y/N grew up, doing whatever rich snobs do.

Even if it is normal for her, I feel like I can’t stop analyzing everything she does. She seems more nervous around me than she does anyone else, but she lingers like she can’t help herself. I’ve noticed that she stumbles over her words and touches me much more than is really necessary. Or at least I think she does—maybe I’m just imagining things.

But even if it means what I think it does, I can’t let myself think like this. It’s not fair to her. No one deserves to live here if they have the choice. At least the people out here know how to handle it. She doesn’t, and I don’t want her to turn into the type of person who does.

When I stitched her up and teased her about being weak and sensitive, I think she thought I was insulting her. I try not to think about it, but if I let myself wallow too much, I’ll wonder what kind of person I’d be if I wasn’t so jaded. Maybe I’d draw more, or read more, or write more. Maybe I’d be an easier person to love. I didn’t get to choose how I turned out. It just happened to me.

So if she has the choice, I’m going to do everything I can to help her make the right one. I don’t want her to be like this.

March 29th, 2038

I had a dream about Riley last night. I haven’t had one of those in years, not since I was traveling with Joel. We were back in the mall, and Riley had just turned the lights on as a surprise. I had this feeling then, like I was being given a second chance. That I could set things straight and do what was right. I woke up before I could insist that we leave.

[A drawing takes up half of the next page. It’s a crude depiction of the mall Riley turned in.]

April 4th, 2038

It’s the middle of the night again. I can’t sleep. I’m so disappointed with myself about what I did tonight with Y/N. At the time, it seemed like a really good idea. She likes me back, apparently. I was right about everything that I wrote about earlier, I guess. But it certainly doesn’t feel like I thought it would.

It’s not like there’s no part of me that isn’t thrilled that she feels the same way. That’s why I gave in and slept with her. But even when she told me how she felt, even before I completely lost my self-control, something heavy was already hanging over me. Regret, maybe. Or guilt. I don’t know. What I do know is that this can’t last. I can’t make this good for her like I want to. She needs to go back, and she needs to be able to feel like she can make that choice without feeling like she’s leaving anything good behind.

I’m not a spiritual person. but even so, I can’t help but feel like that dream of Riley was a sign. This is my second chance. I’m not going to fuck it up this time. I’ve already been an accomplice of so much suffering. Y/N is going home, and I’ll never see her again when she does. That’s that.

It took all I had left in me in the end to kick her out. She looked so hurt, and the fact that she tried to hide it made it even worse. I wish I could tell her why this can’t work, but I don’t think she’d understand.

[A drawing of Y/N kissing Ellie’s palm follows, her hair slightly mussed]

April 6th, 2038

I need to stop making rash decisions like knocking on her door late at night and asking her to come over. I really don’t know what’s gotten into me, because whenever I see her now, I can’t help but freeze up. Like last night, when she kissed me and touched my face and told me she thought I was a good person. I panicked and told her—well, nevermind. I don’t really want to repeat it here. It was mean, but I didn’t know what else I could do to get her to stop.

She was already tearing up by the time she left. I had to sit down and breathe deeply for a few minutes before I was sure I wasn’t going to be sick. I don’t really think I want to write more about this right now. It just makes me sad how unfair this all is. Of course the one time after Cat that I meet someone I really like it just has to be in one of the cruelest scenarios possible. I just have no idea what to do.

[Five pages of drawings follow of Y/N in bed, her head tilted back against the pillow, her eye’s half lidded, and her mouth slightly agape. Ellie redraws this multiple times, x-ing out parts that don’t seem quite right]

April 10th, 2038

I know this is none of my business, but she’s been spending a lot of time with Dina lately. She nearly got herself killed getting a gift for me with Dina yesterday, which feels like some sort of especially cruel joke. The universe isn’t being very fucking subtle right now.

If what I’m worried about is right, at least Dina has the option to come with her up North. She’d test negative.

April 20th, 2038

I would really like it if I could have one short break from the misery that’s my life right now. I turned 20 yesterday, accidentally introduced Y/N to my ex, proceeded to get much drunker than I meant to, completely fell off my rocker and asked Y/N to stay the night, and then discovered this morning that not only has Terranova found Y/N but that my strategy of keeping Y/N at arm’s length completely failed.

She wants me to come with her, and she’s threatening to stay here otherwise. I did the only thing that I could think to do and snapped at her.

I’m so tired of this. I hate having to act like I don’t care. This is the third time now that I’ve had to say something nasty to her to keep her from getting too close. I just want to get in bed and sleep until she leaves and I can pretend like nothing ever happened and that everything is normal.

[One page of drawings of Y/N passed out in her bed and Y/N grinning while holding a lopsided cake]

April 28th, 2038

I know I haven’t been writing much again. Sorry about that. I just can’t bear to think about my life right now. I know I should be relieved—this is what I wanted. I wanted her to go where it’s best for her.

But there’s still that selfish part of me that keeps me up at night. Y/N is going to leave this place never knowing how I feel about her. Logically, that should be what I want. This way I won’t need to say a real goodbye. I know I won’t need to now, since she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. It’s really fucking immature of me to be so hurt by what she must think of me now, but I can’t stop.

I wonder how long it will take for me to stop feeling sad about this. I’ve never had to process anything like this where there’s nothing I can do. With Riley and Sam, I at least got to heal from the knowledge that I was going to help make the vaccine to save the world. But losing Y/N just because of where we come from is totally meaningless. I can go forward knowing that I made it easy for her to make the right decision, but that only goes so far.

I don’t know how I’m going to handle this. I’m going to practically live with Dina so I don’t need to be alone for the first few weeks.

I wish May 8th would just come already so she can go away and I can get on with my life.

May 1st, 2038

Things have changed some. Joel cornered me in the kitchen last night and told me that I needed to grow up and just appreciate the rest of the time I had left with Y/N. I was going to agree and try to walk past him, but he stopped me and told me that he needed me to escort Y/N. I guess he’s right. She can’t go alone, and Joel and Tommy are getting a little too old for week-long expeditions into the wilderness.

He also told me that I need to apologize to her and make things right, saying shit like I’d regret it forever if things ended between us like this. I don’t want to admit it, but I think he’s right. When I told him that she’d originally threatened to stay if I didn’t go with her, he blinked, hard. Then he told me that he had an idea.

I’m faking it. I’m telling her that I’m going, even though I’m going to leave her when she gets picked up. I don’t know how I’m going to pull it off. When I told her in the meadow last night, she was so happy. I know it’s really sappy and cliche to say this, but I felt my heart shatter, bit by bit. I’m not a very good liar, not to people who are important to me. But I suppose I’ve been lying to her all this time, kicking her out of my room and telling her that I didn’t want anything more with her.

I can do this, I think. I have to do this, or else she might threaten to stay, and I don’t think I have it in me to be cruel again. Not to her. I guess I’ll just trick myself into feeling like I’m actually coming with her, like we have a chance of actually being together. I don’t know. We’ll see.

[One drawing of Y/N laying down in the meadow that takes up half a page]

May 3rd, 2038

It’s easier than I expected. Y/N sleeps over in my room at night, and if I don’t think too hard about it, I can pretend like things will always be like this.

I’m getting to be such a sap, though. I almost broke down in the bathroom today while I was getting ready. It was over the stupidest thing—a toothpaste bottle. Y/N always folds it so neatly, making a perfect, tight spiral of plastic near the end. It used to really bother me when I first had to share with her (because who does that—it’s weird and doesn’t do anything since she doesn’t manage to squeeze out the extra in the bottom anyways), but the thought of throwing it out when it finally emptied and having to find another one that’ll never be folded again hit me and suddenly I was counting my inhales and exhales. I don’t really give a shit about toothpaste. It’s just that it was the moment that I realized that she’s really going to be gone soon, you know? Slowly but surely, the evidence of her stay here will be wiped away and replaced. Someday I’ll forget all the little details about her.

She’s knocking on my door. I need to stop being so depressed and go see her before she picks up that something’s wrong.

[One small doodle of Y/N smiling and rolling her eyes while brushing her teeth]

May 6th, 2038

Dina’s coming now. Y/N told me this morning after she went to say goodbye. I feel really shitty about this. I guess I should tell her that I’m not going now, because this way Y/N needs to go home to get Dina the help she needs, but I just can’t bring myself to. I’ll have to escort both of them to the pickup spot anyway since Dina’s weaker now that she’s pregnant, and the thought of having to spend a full week with Y/N after she knew I lied to her makes my skin crawl. I can’t tell who I’m trying to protect by doing this—me or her. Maybe both.

I’m losing my two favorite people here, and they don’t even know it yet. But this is the best option. This is my chance to finally do some good in the world.

May 7th, 2038

I’m about to go stargazing with Y/N for the last time. I don’t think I’ll be writing in here again until I get back. I don’t want to risk losing this while I’m out in case something crazy happens. Which it probably will, but I canonically happen to be really good at living when shit hits the fan. Also—I don’t imagine Y/N to be a particularly nosy person, but if she ever came across this and thought it was a book or something, it would make things really awkward. So, you’re staying tucked carefully under my bed until I come back later this month.

I don’t know how to handle this sort of goodbye. I don’t really know how to handle any sort of goodbye, I guess, but at least I’ve been through them before. I may not do it well, but I know how to live when people I love die. But this isn’t like that. No one is dying (hopefully), and more importantly, I know it’s a goodbye this time. I see it coming on the horizon and I can’t even tell anyone about it. How does anyone deal with that? How does anyone cope?

Y/N’s knocking on my door now. I need to go before I start thinking even more and do something stupid like start crying or whatever.

I’ll be back in about two weeks.

June 1st, 2038

Sorry for not writing. It’s been pretty shitty, actually. It took me 5 extra days to get home because some scavengers gave me trouble. I hardly slept for most of them. I ran out of ammo about 4 days out and had to use my knife for everything I ran into until I was able to raid the cabinets of this abandoned cabin. Nearly got taken out by a clicker, too. It was not fun. It was especially not fun because I was not feeling super great to begin with, for obvious reasons.

Things haven’t gotten any better since getting back to Jackson. Y/N didn’t take her stupid Exoplanetary Systems textbook and now I’m struggling with whether or not I should throw it out. The rational side of me says to keep it because it was published after the outbreak and probably contains updated information that isn’t anywhere else. The rest of me doesn’t even want to look at the stars anymore because it reminds me of her.

It’s really hard not to blame her for ruining everything. I can’t go out and ride my own horse without thinking about the first time we went on patrol together and she dropped my gun and nearly killed one of us. And I can’t even relax in my own home, because I’ve spent almost every night with her since March in my bed. Sometimes when I hear a creak in the middle of the night I assume it’s her walking down to the bathroom or getting water until it hits me again that she’s never coming back.

I know I’m being melodramatic. There are many other worse problems I could be having right now. But I don’t even have my best friend anymore. I wonder if Dina and Y/N are angry with me for lying. I wonder if they’re settling in okay. I hope that Y/N manages to fix whatever her research was and that Dina gets better.

[Twenty pages of drawings of Y/N and Dina together. Some are snippets of them on their expedition to the pickup site. Others are pictures of Y/N and Dina walking around with smiles on their faces in what looks to be a city]

June 21st, 2038

It’s been over a month since I’ve last seen her. I had a breakdown while getting ready for bed when I realized that I didn’t remember what her voice sounded like anymore.

[Ten pages of half-finished drawings, each with its face scribbled over]

June 28th, 2038

I don’t think I really remember what she looks like—not exactly. I’ve been trying to draw her because I’m still in the habit of making decisions that are definitely not good for my mental state. I just can’t do it, and it isn’t for the lack of trying. Every time I get to her eyes I keep drawing something that looks wrong, but I can never tell why. I compare it to my earlier drawings of her from when we first met and it feels like meeting her for the first time again.

Joel says it’ll pass and that he’s proud of me for doing the right thing. Jessie and I have been hanging out more. Even if he won’t admit it, I can tell he’s miserable without Dina. But he understands why she had to go—just like how I feel about Y/N. And Dina too, of course. Jackson feels like a ghost town without her.

July 17th, 2038

I haven’t been writing or drawing in here for a while, I know. I was going to just go ahead and start a new journal—you know the one that Maria gave me for Christmas with the dark blue cover—but it didn’t feel right to just stop without explaining. Otherwise I’ll feel like an asshole for wasting so much paper.

I don’t want to move on from what happened with Y/N and Dina. I really don’t, but I don't think I have a choice. If I keep going on like this, I’ll never be able to live normally again. I’m just sick and tired of being sad all of the time. So I’m not going to write here anymore. I don’t think it’s realistic for me to forget all about it, because I don’t want to forget her. Not really. But I guess if I want to get better, I’ll need something different. So, here’s that. The beginning of my fresh start. “Fresh start” and you call me overdramatic!! haha. Y/N was here!

(You left this on your nightstand. I promise I didn’t read too much. I opened it because I thought it was your sketchbook. I’m going to put this back since I hear you walking down the hall now.)

ok as an aside my blog is broken so my stuff isn’t notifying people when i tag/showing up on dashes or in tags. please reblog if you’re comfortable so people can actually find this! thank you!

final a/n: i totally get it if this wasn’t quite your cup of tea this time—i just really wanted to iron out ellie’s pov before their reunion in the end. which is happening and not a spoiler because i have always promised a hea! this was a change in pace for the story and i promise you that the next chapter will be more normal/align more with my normal writing style. i have also changed my mind (probably) and have decided to stick with writing an epilogue! so two more chapters are coming before this is totally over. thank you so much for waiting and being so patient! i love you all dearly ok bye bye now

#ellie williams x reader #exoplanet #not adding tags because i’ll eventually repost #this is just for people who want to read!

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pebiejeebies · 1 year ago

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Made her “normal” vs monster/bestial comparison!! + height comparison + color palette comparison

(This is an oc for the Objectfied comic au im making! I will explain her role soon..!)

(Adding this just in case you aren’t interested in reading my infodumping below :P I basically got a bit too excited and wrote down a lot of details abt her lol—)

The full sets of her pronouns jic: Xe/Xem/Xer/Xeirs/Xerself — She/Her/Hers/Herself

Aaand.. maybe I’ll sneak in a neopronoun :3c Cub/Cubs/Cubself

Now let’s get onto some character design study! Let’s start with her limbs!

I was going to make her limbs white, which aesthetically didn’t look nice, so instead of white limbs, I thought maybe I make it the colors OF the stripes, with the white slightly showing, and if your wondering how her limbs turn from normal to tiger.. let me demonstrate..!

That’s basically how her limbs change color, her limbs originally have dark stripes with a slightly lighter rest of the skin, depending on how much she turns into a tiger is how much the colors show!

The paws on the normal limbs are different from the tiger ones, I couldn’t make the paws the exact same color as the limbs so I made it lighter (since I didn’t show it in the reference above, I didn’t put it’s color in the palette)

Her tail completely shifts into nothing just like her fur on her neck, I thought it would be cool if I added small stripes along her neck where the fluff comes but I thought it was a little too much, since the limbs were already showing off the cool stripes, yk?

Plus, if you noticed, the more normal version of her is more awkward and shy, to the point she doesn’t even know what pose she should make! But the more she shows off her bestiality, the more confident and proud she is! Since tigers are very strong and confident, I thought it would be cool to make her lose/gain that confidence based on how normal/bestial she is!

Her claws can unsheathe, which is why I demonstrated it in the reference above btw

To disguise her stripes, she said she was just born with this “odd beauty mark pattern” which wasn’t exactly a lie, some people would fall for it, and some got suspicious but didn’t think too much about it

And uhh about my older sonas, (Fuorzy, Bookmark, and Portal) I’ll see which ones I’m gonna stick with since I think I’m losing my hype for Bookmark

And to end everything, she is one of my (favorite) sonas now, as she really shows off everything I have!

I am a white tiger therian, very VERY skinny, I have glasses (my old ones were circle glasses), freckles, I always feel confident and happy when I shift into Xue, aka my theriotype, and in reality I am a very shy and awkward person!1!

Soo.. WOAAH!! HI OBJECTIFED VERSION OF ME!! :D

I thought it would be such a perfect idea to add my theriotype in my sona because I got SO MUCH therian energy off of Dynamite! Which inspired me to make my own oc and lore and au and… yeah you get my point.. <:D (I actually shifted earlier today and yesterday after months of nothing which felt so refreshing, I thought I lost my connection for a while!)

Woah! That was a bit too much hahahahhahahaaaaaaa— uhh I hope this feeds you well! I think I got possessed by a grammar demon or something but wow I didn’t even misspell that much, I may have worded some things wrong but bear with me, it’s a struggle I deal with every day :,)

Ilysm if you are still reading this/p, I’d love any fanart of my ocs so tag me if you draw xer! <3

(Tagging @ch0cocrave, @facelessthefreak and @hollow8007 since y’all rebloged/commented on the first post <3)

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velvetvexations · 7 days ago

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(seems like the ask i sent last time about this didnt go through but apologies if it did) kink confession. i finally found a fetish i am into that is embarrassing to admit for non-"problematic" reasons and its fucking. wedgies. whyyyyy. in hindsight i should have seen this coming because i have vague memories of making shitty wedgie art as a kid because of that signature funny feeling about it but apparently i fully locked away those memories lol. its even funnier because i usually get squicked out by regular degradation/humiliation/pain stuff but i guess this specifically is fine for some reason? its also one of those ones where i prefer it completely removed from any fantasy where i am actually involved so maybe thats why (ace and not particularly interested in actual sex. you might remember me from one or more of the forcemasc anons a while back lol)

I've gotten a few wedgie anons before so you're definitely not alone. It's one of my earliest kinks tbh even though it's not something I think about much now. But like, when I was a kid, and I watched the episode of The Amanda Show where the lady doctor gets a wedgie? That had an impact on me.

Checking in on someone who used to draw a lot of forcefem and seeing a brand new "Pronouns: She/Her" on her page made me unexpectedly happy. Not because becoming a woman is necessarily an improvement, but finding out a part of yourself through artistic expression is always wonderful. Happy for her :) (idk why I wanted to share with you specifically but I think you're super cool so it was probably that)

Yeah, that's awesome!

Cleaning dream anon here: what’s your fee for a cleaner? By which I obviously mean how much do I need to pay you to be allowed to scrub your floors with my tits shaking and lick your toilet clean and only be allowed a break when you have gas or need a punching bag?

As much as you can pay, obviously.

Im the non sexual doscomfort anon and i need you to know that you calling me ‘the mark’ made me loterally whimper, out loud, very pathetixally. And then let my sinner go cold before eating it because it seemes like you would apprectaite that.

lmao sometimes "the sub" just doesn't sound right you know

i "discovered" a new kink of mine thanks to some anons a while back: forcefamily. being lured into a couples car because they asked you to help load their groceries but, oh no, looks like they left their keys up front and the only way in is through the trunk. so you crawl in and... click! welcome to the family, kiddo!

that sounds like it'd be a horror movie from the past ten years that I hate but everyone else calls groundbreaking

to the anon who sent a message about not being into bimbofication but into being a creepy loser girl: I hope you know that bimbo x loser as you described is gonna be my warm up project for when I buckle down to write soon

content!

Forcefem was very unpopular and considered transmisogynistic just years ago by popular tumblr. It's even considered that way now if it's called 'sissy' or 'sissification' kink. That it's now being considered woke is very silly to me, but at least people aren't getting into fights over it anymore (<- irony)

If I were a pretentious fuckwit like some of the forcefem girlies on this site I'd say sissification is the good kind and everyone else is into some real poser ass lame bullshit but since I'm Cool and Nice I'm just like yeah everyone can enjoy what they like.

Whenever life gets hard I remind myself that I have beatable udders and no self esteem and therefore Velvet would find a use for me

I sure would anon.

every now and then (though, admittedly, it happens rarely), i see transmasc transformation comics/sequences being reposted with the posters jumbling up the pictures in reverse order or just claiming it's read from right to left so it's a male to female TF comic instead and also denying that it's female to male and i'm like ??? there's twenty male to female TF comics for every female to male TF, like, you (in general, not you as a person) don't have to do that, there's so much content for you :/ it also happens with a bunch of kinks that have a bit more of a female character focus, but i just noticed it here again

that reminds me when my favorite kink artist (Octoboy) was objecting to having art he made edited to be about girls since he made content specifically intending to fill niches for people who liked boys

Octoboy's art is actually responsible for about 80% of me liking boys lmao I was so so lucky to get a commission from him a decade or more ago when he was still fairly cheap because he deservedly charges way more now

#vexatious

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paingoes · 2 months ago

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Now I'm wondering what WOULD happen if AU Delta were as powerful as canon Delta.

I imagine Apollo would be even more annoying after he graduated from medical school lol.

I really love that Delta lets Paris have a phone and keep in touch with his friend, and shows some genuine care for Paris and what's important to him.

The idea of Delta and Lorelai being internet/social media friends is really neat. What would their interactions be like? Also, was Lorelai allowed to have a phone, or did she swipe it from somewhere and has to hide it, like canon Delta with his laptop?

On that note, if Delta were to get news relevant to Lorelai, would he tell Paris? And without Paris asking him?

Yes!!! Sports! Maybe baseball, American football, or flag football for Paris. (I'd say wrestling or boxing, but I'd be worried for his opponent 😬.) What sport would suit Lorelai?

"Those are my lungs." Is Delta referring to the fact that he owns Paris (and therefore his lungs), or second-hand smoke? Just wanted to be sure I'm interpreting that line correctly.

1.) AS!delta would probably end up being forced to mask his powers by his parents. i said psychic!paris would go on to be a dictator but that's EMPIRE. Aegea is just one seaside kingdom in a larger galactic federation and they're not a warlike people. they'd definitely gain a powerful weapon through delta's powers but all the attention it would draw to him would definitely mark him for assassination or capture. so he's forced to hide it. he probably wears psychic dampeners like delta does in rubies. they would blend in with all his other jewelry so it just looks natural on him. no one ever finds out, hopefully.

delta really hates this. when he's younger he acts out a lot to try and show off. but as he matures a little bit, he comes to understand why his parents made him hide it. i mean. you saw how well it worked out for canon delta.

2.) haha i think he gets humbled by the licensing exam! he's just really dealing with the dunning-kruger effect at this point. levon critcizes him for being a know-it-all and delta says he's kinda bossy. he's a little less annoying after he graduates :)

hes at the peak!

i love apollo <3 this wasnt your question but he went as gene wilder frankenstein for halloween btw

3.) omg i didnt think about it but now that you mention it, lorelai probably IS sneaking her phone. you're really not allowed to have a personal phone if youre in combat right??? so yeah i think shes hiding it. however i think the consequences of her being found out are pretty minimal and if she did get it confiscated she'd just like. get a new one. lmfao.

delta watches lorelai's instagram stories (15 second videos of her doing parkour in the woods) in complete silence at 3am. replies with fire emojis. she hypes him up whenever he posts pics of himself :) its mostly small talk but they get along p well and i think they have good bants. nothing beyond that really. neither of them are online that often.

4.) yeah! i think paris's little panicked reaction when delta asks if she's okay means that delta is in fact keeping tabs on her situation. he'd tell paris if he found out something about lorelai specifically. however, if it was just general bad news about how the plantary situation might develop, he'd probably keep that to himself. no reason to make paris stress out about it for no reason. it's not like he can do anything :/

5.) im biased but i think paris would be good w baseball and basketball. i actually just want to draw him in a basketball shirt ive been meaning to draw streetwear destroyer for a grip. oh also paris canonically fences. yknow how it is w princes.

lorelai i think would be really good for tennis and volleyball <3

6.) delta was referring to the fact he owns paris <3

#destroyer ask

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makoodles · 1 year ago

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Imagine the reason why Tsu’tey and Lo’ak don’t get along is because one time when Tsu’tey was sleeping Lo’ak convinced Spider to join him and draw eyebrows on Tsu’tey it was the:

‘>:(‘

eyebrows too lol. CAN YOU IMAGINE?!!! I’d be fucking cackling I cantttt and bc they don’t have mirrors I wonder how many people saw their work before someone told Tsu’tey. He’d BE SO MADDDDD LMAO 😭

**Do you even think you can sneak up on a sleeping Na’vi person? Are they like super sensitive? Spidey senses?? Can tell when bad shit is going to happen?? Maybe he was super duper tired or something**

okay bro this actually made me laugh out loud because the thought of tsu'tey with the >:( eyebrows painted on is just too good

he definitely finds out because he walks into the village to find reader chatting with jake, and they both turn around to greet him only to stare at him for a very long drawn out moment, before immediately busting up laughing.

from that day on, lo'ak was a marked enemy in tsu'tey's book. he doesn't even have to be told it was lo'ak's idea. he just knows

#asks #avatar headcanons #baby fever

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pinkmoondoll9shihtzu · 6 months ago

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6 month solstice/full moon check-in livejournalstyle

youtube

So i've been advised to recap the past 6 months. Especially since this current Capricorn full moon is exacting at 1 degree Capricorn which happens to be the same degree as My Ascendant. (Pinkmoondoll number 1 :@!!!!!)

The Cancer full moon happened at around 5 degrees on december 26th 2023. That is my ex's birthday. On winter solstice 2023, exactly 6 months ago, i cut her out of my life. We were already broken up for a long time before that but i continued to let her stay in my life for a few reason, namely guilt & fear. Guilt because of the emotional turmoil she projected onto me & fear because, well, we are married and i didn't know what would happen to my immigration status if i cut her off. I still don't! This has not changed yet.

Pretty much everything else about me & my life has changed though. internally at least. Having her out of my life has allowed me so much freedom to get back to who i am & live with integrity. The only people left in my life now are ones who are respectful, kind, have their own shit going on, appreciate that i am my own person too, allow me to breathe, don't expect anything specific from me, don't toy with my mind & emotions. They are just glad to let me be who i am. No one tries to control me anymore. i feel so wonderful because no one can control me.

So the past 6 months has been a series of stages of getting back to Me. unraveling all the lies i was fed for years, healing from the pain of being manipulated, feeling that so much of my energy was wasted. Truly truly wasted. i'm not one of those people who can live without regrets lol. i wish i broke free so much sooner, the stress destroyed my health for years. But ultimately, this is how it went down, so i strive towards acceptance.

For the first few months of this year i was really on a huge substance abuse kick! im not gonna specify what, but iykyk. Like i really just could not bear the weight of what i was feeling. Every day i was finding out more and more info about lies i'd been told, stuff happening behind my back. All i could rly do was take pills & tunnel vision into ableton or drawing or whatever. it helped repress my emotions & i got a lot done during this time but it was unhealthy & the more it progressed i saw how unsustainable it was.

around spring equinox shit HIT THE FAN e_e So this would be the quarter year mark. Well it was march 15 when denji ate the ziploc bag and had to get emergency obstruction removal surgery. That immediately halted all projects i was working on. I was still taking a lot of pills to cope with the stress of that situation & at that point i needed them just to function at a base level. Then i think april 4th or 5th was when i found out Sammy died, which...i mean yeah i've spoken a lot on how horrific that was & still remains to be.

I mean , like, that shit, rearranged my whole brain, that shit reset me. this also marked the time period where like... my psychic senses really began evolving. idt it was necessarily linked to sammy's death, it just weirdly shifted around that time. i think the lunar eclipse in late march caused some type of quantum leap idk man idek. Then the solar eclipse in april sealed the deal. Ever since then the craziest stuff that i cant even rly talk about has been happening to me & i immediately felt compelled to like, quit all drugs and just fucking ascend lol.

Sooo first i started w pill numero uno, the really diabolical one, middle of april i just said fuck it, i am done. at this point i had abused it so hard it wasnt even doing shit for me anymore, even when i took tolerance breaks, it was genuinely pointless to continue. i did wonder how the fuck i was ever gonna function without it and i was scared. The final few weeks of april were just a total write off, didnt do shit, totally depressed & grieving & miserable but weirdly hopeful too. Like i knew i just had to suffer and get it over with.

pill 2 was actually pretty easy to cut back on because ive quit it a bunch of times before & know what to expect, and since i was already suffering so bad from pill 1 after about a week i thought yeah i might as well stop the other one too lol. there was no noticable increase in suffering from stopping it. So by the 2nd week of May it had been around 3 weeks of feeling like pure ass but i was starting to feel WAYYYY better and my normal goofy self again.

That is the worst thing about adhd meds for me lol they robbed me of my whimsy and goofiness T_T Like i was so serious all the time T_T it was even kinda affecting my relationship w slimbo. Like i couldnt be affectionate i was just a robot. All i cared about was working and i was so impatient. As i came off the meds i started to remember how nice it is to just be slow, be in the moment, enjoy simple things with my love, not constantly bound to this gnawing neurosis pushing me to squeeze maximum productivity out of every single second.

like i said , i'm 1 degree cap rising sooo this neurosis is something that exists firmly within my personality, for sure. i mean, if u cant tell, I Be Doing Things lol. And i get very competitive with myself. the dark side of me is that i want to be the best at everything. A big part of my adult life has been learning how to relax. learning how to have fun, learning how to be a little pointless. Without the meds this is a struggle for me so with the meds it was genuinely impossible not to be completely controlled by the rabid impulse to work.

So getting off the meds was a big exercise in confronting my fear of Not being the best. my fear of chilling, my fear of being still & unoccupied. But i did it! And i feel so much better. Like holy shit, i feel SO much better.

By the mid-May i was picking up steam in just being able to live again. a lot of the brainfog & physical heaviness lifted. I was still not very productive at art or music, but i was getting really good at not letting that bug me. spending a lot of time working in the garden, got back into yoga, reading, just doing leisurely stuff that felt expansive to my inner world rather than trying to externalize anything. psychic experiences continued to amplify. became interested in tarot again as i no longer felt i was living in fear of my higher self.

after getting off the pills i began feeling really fixated on the notion of quitting weed. Previously this had been genuinely unthinkable to me. Like, me and weed, we were One, every person i'd ever been as an adult had smoked weed, it was weirdly part of my identity, for 15 years i genuinely believed i could not exist without weed, like i would just lose my fucking mind if i stopped. i did not believe in myself.

But as the psychic experiences progressed i felt strongly that i want to go deeper. Previously i had been afraid to go deeper. In that regard i think i was truly afraid of my own potential. I wasn't ready for it, and that's actually fine. A lot of people aren't.. But as May was coming to a close i knew that i was ready, and actually, it was crucial of me to put an end to this. I was enjoying finally having some sense of peace & joy after how crummy it felt quitting the pills , i didn't really want to disturb that state of being, but i also was having that feeling again that i just need to "get it over with".

So when it struck June 1st i was like yeah fuck it. Let this mark a new beginning. as soon as i realize something is no longer in my best interest its almost impossible for me to keep going with it! like i can't live with myself. I guess that's where my fixation on being "the best" can serve me sometimes. if that makes sense.. Like i willllll always end up putting my foot down and saying NO :T

So yeah. it's recent enough that i don't really feel the need to detail how the first 2 weeks of june were sooooo sucky and emotional and generally dysfunctional. couldn't even read or draw or do any minor tasks i was sooo out of my mind. Not much needs to be said about it. i just had to simply allow time to pass. a lot of days spent in bed crying & dissolving.

right around the 2 week mark we went to missouri & this is when i started noticing myself feeling way way better. the whole time i didn;t even think about weed or my symptoms at all. i was so present in each moment and it was so easy to just feel....alive. also had some intense psychic experiences, one of which i haven;t even talked about on here, and i probably wont because its too sacred. The overarching theme between all the experiences i've been having since late march is that they feel too sacred to tell anyone. The high priestess emphasizes secrecy in some matters..

Which brings us to now, june 21, 21 days w/o weed, 3 weeks. I know that sounds like nothing but this has been 15 YEARS coming. that's half my lifespan so far. and now i just feel fine. i got thru the blues of quitting, all the repressed emotions, im sure they'll still pop up from time to time too. but ultimately i am just so fucking relieved to be free of that shit and like, functioning, able to sleep, not riddled with anxiety and self hatred like i was when i started as a grieving baby teenager.

i guess i wanted to write this to remind myself what a monumental shift i have made in my life in the first half of 2024, and how insanely far i've come in the grand scheme of my life, in a relatively short timespan. because i keep getting this feeling of self doubt where i'm like wait... it's almost july and i've barely completed any tasks, i still havent finished my music, wtf am i doing :( But i dont think i was supposed to finish it until i shed all these habits that were causing major roadblocks in my path!

shed my ex, shed pills, shed weed. shed grief! shed self doubt. emptied my vessel & it has allowed room for so much new life to come through. new forces being channeled. my mediumship abilities now are in focus and taking off at an accelerated rate. for the first time in my life i'm not in survival mode. i feel this is my reward for living through it all when i wanted nothing more than to give up for so many years. i prayed for death, every day, i really did. now i am dead! the old me died. and i carry her memory with honor, i carry on the parts of her that wished to remain and be loved, but she is effectively dead.

for the first time in my life i am really proud of myself. i don't feel so competitive with myself anymore. i don't need to prove myself externally. i do not require any validation of my existence. i can sit with myself without feeling extreme self induced dread & despair. i feel worthy even though i am still (from the outside looking in) at the exact same place i was at 6 months ago.

i'm finally feeling ready to work a little harder again, but not because i'm desperate to gain anything from it. just because it's fun, and fundamentally, as stated above, that drive is a part of my personality, a part of me that i love & cherish. number 1 is the magician. the mage patchouli ~~~ the alchemist. create for the sake of creating.

if anyone read this far, thats wild xD but thats dope too.. I guess one thing i'd like for the future is just to inspire people that you can alchemize the tragedies of your life and all the suffering into something much greater than yourself. You can get through it and be happy with your meager little life one day, even if it takes 30 or 40 years, it's worth it to try & worth it to get here. You do not have to wallow in sadness and self doubt forever, even if u see no way out rn.

i'm happy just being me ^_^ i have so much fun when i'm in my mind. bladee voice ~~be in your mind, be in your mind, be in your mind~~. i love how simple everything feels right now. i love how people & entities can come to me because they trust me to receive their messages & understand them. My own projections do not get in the way anymore. I shed so much. I am free. Happy Strawberry Moon everyone.

SIncerely, PMD9

#LONG AS FUCK post i dont expect anyone to read #tis just for my own purposes / future me ^_^

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zirawrites · 2 years ago

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Could you do companions reacting to sole breaking down and confessing to having a weird unique pipboy with a saving/loading function (like having the game mechanic in the real life)? They'd try to use it for good, loading back to get the best outcome in dialogs and quests, or to keep their companions from getting hurt in battles, but it'd make them go mad with time, so they'd start lashing out, hurting people, doing horrible things to them before loading back and being kind to everyone again. They'd regret the things they've done later, but still snap and do these things sometimes.

One of the tropes thst I like really much for some reason lol. Horrors of being a god.

Cait: “If I had one of those Pip-Boys, I’d be doin’ the same thing.” Cait shrugged dismissively. “We all need to blow off some steam. Long as you’re not actually hurtin’ someone, I don’t see why anyone’d get their panties in a twist.” Cait wasn’t sure why Sole felt so guilty. As far as she was concerned, Sole could vent their anger and no one would be the wiser. She just asked Sole not to kick her ass and then rewind time. The idea felt embarrassing.

Curie: “I cannot believe that such technology exists. Is there a way you could prove it to me?” When Sole explained that only the person wearing the Pip-Boy could rewind time, Curie insisted she try it herself. She used a marker to draw on Sole’s cheek (since she’d never hurt Sole, even for science), then reversed time with the Pip-Boy. Even after she watched the colorful mark disappear, Curie wasn’t sure if it was an elaborate prank. “Maybe we leave powerful technology to the experts, yes?”

Danse: “That’s abominable, soldier.” Danse’s face was red and twisted with raw fury. “Your Pip-Boy is the exact kind of damning technology the Brotherhood seeks to eradicate from the Commonwealth. And for the very reasons it is corrupting you.” He held out his hand. “Give it to me so it can be destroyed. I won’t ask again.”

Deacon: “So, how many penises have you drawn on my face? C’mon, don’t be shy.” Deacon didn’t believe Sole one bit, nor did he have any desire to try the Pip-Boy himself when they offered. When Sole wouldn’t let up or admit they were teasing him, Deacon was more worried about their mental health than the inconceivable power they wielded. He asked Sole to start leaving their Pip-Boy behind on missions, even if it meant needing to consult a good old fashion map.

Hancock: “Punching down is still punching down, even if the little guy won’t remember.” Hancock didn’t need convincing to believe Sole really had a time-warping Pip-Boy. He could tell by the anxiety on their face that they were telling the truth. The mayor focused more on explaining to Sole that any act of cruelty was wrong. And, in a roundabout way, hurting someone innocent was hurting yourself.

MacCready: “Have you used it on me?” MacCready felt sick when Sole nodded. “Was it to help me in a fight? Or did you ever, you know...” He couldn’t come out and ask if Sole had ever killed him. Their friendship would be ruined. Instead, MacCready glared at the Pip-Boy around Sole’s arm. “Never use it again. Or we’re through. Got it?”

Preston: “If I get hurt on a run, just use a Stimpack on me. No need to reload my life and try again. How else will we learn from our mistakes?” Preston was gentle with his attempt to get Sole to ditch the Pip-Boy. Even if it put their friends in danger. He just didn’t think it could lead to any real good.

Piper: “And you never stopped to wonder if the Institute made that for you? What if every time you reload something else horrible is happening? There’s no way you can just time travel without repercussions.” Piper was more angry with Sole using technology they didn’t understand than hurting other people. It wasn’t like Sole’s victims would even remember. “I bet it has some fancy tracking device. I dunno, Blue. Just get rid of it.”

Nick: “If things do not turn out as we wish, we should wish for them as they turn out.” Nick didn’t care if quoting Aristotle was pretentious. He was worried Sole would lose their ethics. Morals. Grip on reality. “You’re playing god, Sole. That’s never worked out for anyone. You’ve already let it go to your head. Don’t let it go to your heart, too.”

X6-88: X6 deeply enjoyed the possibility that time could be rewound. How many people could be saved from a stupid decision? The Commonwealth was filled with errant bullets, bad calls and careless people. “You aren’t doing anything I wouldn’t do myself with one of those.” X6 pointed at Sole’s Pip-Boy. “With technology like that, the Institute cannot fail.”

#fallout 4 #fallout 4 reactions #this was fucked up thank you i had fun thinking about this reaction #didnt edit this if there is a typo avert your eyes #nick valentine #fallout 4 cait #fallout 4 curie #fallout 4 piper #fallout 4 deacon #preston garvey #maccready #x6-88 #hancock #paladin danse

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violetvirus · 2 years ago

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DUDE, YOUR AU IS SO COOLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!

trying to think of AU names. i should be studying but. IT'S COOL

tell me about Ao Lie. and Wukong, and his programming backstory. and why Tripitaka is in trouble with the government. and Nezha (obviously, as aroacenezha LMAO). i wanna know everything about that angry little cyberpunk guy. what's his junkyard look like? have any Ao Lie/Nezha spats? is he a main-ish character?

and how does this translate w/ the og story of JTTW? is this just a character idea kind of thing, or some ideas about the scrolls and journey to enlightenment?

look. you put out cool idea and now I will not stop talking. <3

AAAAAHAH THANK YOU!! yeah… not sure what i should name it yet agh…. But I'm sure i'll think of something more clever than cyberpunk jttw! eventually…

rubs hands together lets get to it heheh

ao lie and tripitaka's relationship is one of my favs to draw and write about currently, they both lean on each other super hard for support bc at their core they're both so lonely yet unable to reach out for help. ao lie often has tripitaka pick him up from parties or other events. their friendship has only stayed so strong because ao lie is so insistent that he would get to know the shut off tripitaka.

wukong's old programming was a secret project from the jade city government to raze areas marked as "undesirable" from the city. this is mostly places where resentment towards the government is growing, and poor areas. wukong's original programming was violent and obedient, he had no personality of his own and his only goal was to carry out the current command. but because of this, it was easier for tripitaka to rewire him, as robots with no set personality code can more easily be reprogrammed, as they're almost a blank slate.

ao lie and wukong… used to not like each other. at all.

but one night, they got the chance to actually talk to just each other. and after that, they became much friendlier to one another. i want to make a comic based off this so i can't say much for now…

tripitaka is in trouble with the government because he is against it. jade city's government is corrupt and ripe with nepotism. they try and lock out technology from reaching poor areas. so tripitaka builds and creates, so that the defenseless can defend themselves. tripitaka is technically an illegal citizen, nobody is really sure where he's from and he has no official papers stating he is a citizen of jade city. but he's been living in the slums since he was very young. tripitaka also gets into trouble for breaking and entering and trespassing, as he will sometimes need materials that aren't available on the black market and will take matters into his own hands. tripitaka can be a little badass, as a treat. (but i love book tripitaka too)

though this tripitaka is still a strict pacifist, so his crimes are all non-violent.

nezha!! little nezha thinks he looks very badass, but everyone else wonders… who the hell is dressing this kid LOL. nezha has first hand experienced the inequality of jade city from living in the slums and has becomes extremely protective over the people there. just on the outskirts of his town there is a junkyard he frequents. tripitaka goes there often too, for scrap metal, and sometimes nezha will bring him materials (if tripitaka asks nicely, lmao). when wukong was first sent to raze their town, nezha was able to pin him under steel pipes in the junkyard, making it so tripitaka could reprogram him. nezha is still extremely proud of this. im making a comic based on this moment….

nezha often will enter tripitaka's home without warning, so the first time he entered with ao lie there, he assumed the worst and jumped to defend tripitaka. ao lie found it hilarious and adorable. ao lie doesn't take nezha very seriously and reminds him often that he has no part in what his family does as he was disowned, but nezha is convinced otherwise and will pester tripitaka constantly to stop talking to ao lie.

nezha is a main character, he is the connection for tripitaka to the neighborhood. he acts a bit like a scout, alerting tripitaka to events that are happening or people that need help or things fixed. nezha seeks out tripitaka because he knows that tripitaka is dependable and wants the best for people.

as for how it translates to the og story of jttw… in my head, eventually, tripitaka is forced to leave Jade City with his robots and head west. i don't have it all figured out yet, but the scrolls would instead be like… some kind of data. sorry this part is so vague haha, in my head there is a closer resemblance. i currently have the story split into a few parts, and right now we're remaining in jade city.

thank you so much for asking!! i love rambling about these guys….

#thank you for letting me ramble!! i want to post a lot more information in the form of comics and infographs!!#apologies if my ramblings are incoherent... sometimes things only make sense in my head haha #jttw #journey to the west #au #alternative universe #cyberpunk #futurism #my art #cyberpunk jttw #tripitaka #tang sanzang #sun wukong #ao lie #bai longma #nezha #tripitaka with a crime list... is funny to me #i guess i will say tripitaka is still a buddhist in this!! but i will try and fit more of the religious theming from jttw...

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weaimtomaim · 4 months ago

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Okie dokie, so here's a little cheat sheet plus explanations for the quiz I made yesterday! Feel free to take it if you haven't done so yet and you're so inclined, and then come back to this post after.

Question 1: Who is the shortest of the Combaticons? Answer: Vortex

I know that people tend to imagine Swindle as the shortest because he was in G1. But he's actually the second tallest of the team (or third if you count Bruticus)! Blast Off and Vortex are clearly the shortest of the team, as we can see in the scenes showing them all next to each other.

And I decided to make Vortex the shortest by just a couple inches because it amused me lol

Question 2: How many times have the Combaticons been wanted for treason? Answer: 3 times

1: Going AWOL after becoming a combiner/"stealing" Bruticus from the Senate 2: Attempting to assassinate Megatron 3: Disobeying Starscream in Fall of Cybertron

Should Megatron find out about them defecting from the Decepticons, he will likely deem that treason as well. But since he's unaware of their status, they aren't currently wanted, so it's only been 3 times.

Question 3: Who did Onslaught almost fake date? Answer: Jazz

Alright, so years and years ago there was a community event, a multiverse masquerade/party type thing. I ended up doing a thread set there using Onslaught with a Jazz blog I was friends with. Ons was getting looks from people, since he was wearing his Con badge still and also fully armored. Jazz made a remark about the attention he was drawing, Ons said he found it ridiculous people were surprised at his appearance since Unicron was supposed to be there somewhere too.

Jazz eventually agreed it was ridiculous, and then basically went "Hey, we should give them something to talk about and pretend we're together." And Onslaught was considering it. He said something like "It wouldn't be the worst rumor about me."

Sadly, the thread did not go any further than that 😭 I think it would've been fun. Maybe another opportunity will pop up in the future.

Question 4: How does the mun usually list out the names of the Combaticons? Answer: Onslaught, Brawl, Blast Off, Vortex, Swindle

Question 5: Is there any meaning to the order the mun writes out the Combaticons's names in? Answer: Order of joining the team

Putting these two together. Uh, not much to say that isn't said by the answers themselves. Don't know when I started doing this, but I've always wondered if people noticed me listing out their names in a particular order or not. So now you know!

Question 6: Approximately how long were the Combaticons in the Decepticon Detention Center? Answer: About 1/2 of the war

Another self-explanatory answer. It just felt like a good amount of time. Around the halfway mark they started to realize that things had taken a turn for the worse, and Megatron was going down a path they were unwilling to follow. So, an assassination attempt was made, it failed, and then they were locked away. They were only let out a decade or so before the events of the games. This is a timespan I've recently changed; I used to say they'd been out of the Detention Center for a thousand or so years before the games, but I've shortened it considerably.

I'm not a fan of the huuuge time spans that Transformers is fond of using. But that's a rant for another day.

Question 7: Have any of the Combaticons killed a human either accidentally or on purpose? Answer: No

LITERALLY EVERYONE ANSWERED "YES" TO THIS!!!! How dare you all........ smh 😔

Question 8: Which Combaticon is prone to singing when overcharged/drunk? Answer: Blast Off

This is a dumb headcanon I made in the early days of the blog and it stuck lol

Not much else to it, I just find it funny

Question 9: Which Autobot does Bruticus HATE? Answer: Silverbolt

I want to preface this by saying that the mun for Silverbolt ASKED for someone to beat him up... and I just happened to be happy to oblige.

It turned into a whole Thing™, but the Combaticons realized that Bruticus has a burning hatred for Silverbolt because the Aerialbot was one of the bots that shot Bruticus off of the Ark at the end of Fall of Cybertron. This caused Bruticus to drift back to Cybertron, and eventually crash back planetside, leaving him severely injured in the aftermath.

That was the closest to death Bruticus has come. He doesn't know how to process that sort of trauma, and thus channeled it into rage towards the perpetrators. Unfortunately for Silverbolt, he was the first bot from that encounter that the Combaticons came across, so Bruticus has locked onto him in a bad way.

Question 10: Are the Combaticons objectively the best combiner team? Answer: Obviously!

I don't believe this one requires any explanation, it's just simply a fact!

#ooc #another post that I dunno how to tag #hmm maybe #tagged shenanigans #since it goes with the quiz

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pumpkinstrawbrew · 4 months ago

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I desperately want to draw Batcrow, but I’m unfortunately going through an art block right now. If you don’t mind, I hope I can ask you for a prompt, since I do believe you are THE Batcrow shipper. Besides, I think it’s a win win, considering that there is little content of this pair, this would be a free treat, as I haven’t made any contribution in the tag yet. Any will do by the way, be it sensual; romantic; I’m down for it! And once I’m done, I’ll leave it in your mail teehee~

blocks are honestly a rather annoying thing. esp if you have free time an’ motivation, but no ability to do anything with it. that’s just evil of our brains. either way, i’ll be glad to help, if i can! an’ oh, that’s a real bandage of honor right here! hehe. [blushes] i’m happy to be your local batcrow preacher! i know there should be more of us scarebat believers out there. even if not all are vocal.

but alright, so prompt. i’m not sure what exact version you gravitate towards more or which one you like the most, i’ll do my best to try an’ give you fairly ‘loose’ concepts, that can be calibrated / tweaked into what you might be possibly aiming for. an’ ah, mailed in my in-box? i’m very honored! what a thing to log in to, it would be!

so um, first on the menu is what bats can do with all those ropes / belts, that many jonathan’s have as part of their costume. i always feel like they are perfect for gripping an’ tugging an’ also if we take into account jon’s noose, it’s like bruce can press his fingers under the rope around his leg / waist / wrist an’ keep him in place by the noose or collar piece. jonathan doesn’t have a lot of things he can grab in return. bruce’s cape, his belt, the sharper ends of his gloves *if he have those pieces in his design* but that's like a stalemate. also touching that can be used in different manner, rougher or gentlier one. as a way to press foward or to confuse. i also always thought, that it's funny that in some comic versions, jonathan have so many ropes around him, that bruce can literally use these to tie him up, if he wanted to lol. costumes are really such a big part of superhero media, that it kinda upsets me a tad, when people keep complitly disregarding those in stories *less so in arts tbh* that's like hating extra toping to your ice cream. so many sexy an' intimate things can be done with it, esp bc in most other media, there isn't an actually reasonable way *besides idk, a halloween party* to make someone wear latex or specific piece of clothes, like mask or gloves.

marks. another bluntly intimate / sexy aspect about the whole superhero thing is how usually there is always a fight / a scuffle, a way to touch, that doesn't even always have to be fist to the face. personally, when i think about them actually leaving marks on each other *purposely or not*, i think that crane scratches a lot? the sheer fact that BTAS an’ earlier comic designs depict the ends of his gloves as lil claws can be such a good tool. or even jon’s exposed fingers in arkhamverse, where he has needles on the other hand. in turn, bruce can squeeze him pretty strongly, the sort of gesture, that makes skin burn, bones ache, but if they do it during intimacy, be it a kiss or smth more heated, that’s like a try to attempt an’ communicate things. funny enough, i don't think that any of them are esp bitey *besides vampire AU* but then again, bit lip or tongue? or just generally small bite. maybe, jon can bite bruce's hand lol. he's not above it, i imagine. as well, as bruce won't be above to pettily shove his fingers deeper into his mouth or bite him in return lol. just pure shock of them being childish toward one another, but also like....lol, he's biting me. what. no one does that.

them reacting to each other’s compliments. while crane’s way of complimenting bruce is always hilariously abrasive an’ not self-aware at all, i wonder what it might have been if jon was more focused on a certain aspect of him. like his arm muscles. or his face *what he can see of it if the mask is on* an’ actually be accidentally poetic about it. jon read a ton of books, he actually might have a way with words, usually he just doesn’t operate in that way. but scarecrow waxing poetry about bat an’ making bruce feel squirmy under compliments is a good thing to imagine. naturally, he gets a lot of praise as batman an’ bruce, but those are usually just super surface level vs someone, who stares at him an’ thinks that he’s the most attractive an’ alluring man, who ever lived lol. an’ in return, bruce showering jon in praise can make different versions of him take it differently, but all be blushy an’ confused to certain extend. batman finding a new method to ‘torture’ him like that be smth else. just compliment him till he makes a noise, like he’s dying, bc he can’t handle it. like closed off body language, lower heads, or general perplexed expression on either of them. heh.

an’ this one for funzies, like how would jon carry bruce? bruce can do it with ease. jon is light an’ thin. but if it’s the other way around, could at least some versions of crane pull it off? not to drag the bat by the legs, but actually try an' hold his weight.

i hope, some of it might be helpful / inspirational enough. i’ve tried to keep fairly detailed, but also with a leeway for you to imagine, add smth of your own.

#❓#batcrow related things

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ask-bakabakabaka · 5 months ago

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Rebranding this blog!!

Hello, 766 followers, many of whom are probably dead, inactive, or bots!! PSA to unfollow me now if you don't know me (Bunny) because I doubt you've been following this blog for the Touhou reactions, which I haven't drawn in like 8 years! ^^

I've been alive for all this time 'cuz this is my main, and I've been using this blog to like posts and interact with people occasionally, but I realized I can rebrand this account instead of being permanently tied to my 8+ year old art and (outdated but still kinda the same) sense of humor. Therefore, I will be doing that! I already have an art account I post art to, so I'm not replacing that one, but I'm probably going to become a Triple Baka (ask) account! (They apparently still have ask accounts in 2024 but I'm gonna go all in on a new one now!!) Essentially I'm becoming a Vocaloid/UTAU (SynthV)/Fanloid account. You're absolutely encouraged to unfollow me if you have no interest in Vocaloid and the like!

The transition will be a slow one but I wanted to announce it. I'm slowly gonna replace things with Triple Baka and my own art, but I will not be deleting old posts! This will still be an archive for my old touhoureactions stuff (cringe as it is rofl) because I don't really believe in deleting things. Someone kind even sent me an ask saying "thank you for not nuking this blog/keeping it up" and it's really sweet that someone said that to me lol.

As for why I'm transitioning to Vocaloid, it's obvious: I love it. I've loved Vocaloid for a long time (since 2012/2013) and recently I've come back to it-- I'll happily use my knowledge, reignited love, and improved art skills to make the Triple Baka ask blog of my dreams lol.

Touhou was a big part of my life and I still like it, but I've already slowly and steadily let Vocaloid (and SynthV) take the fore because of how happy it's been making me. I love Miku, Teto, and Neru a lot; in fact, I was rereading incredibly old posts of mine dating back to like 2013/2014 and I smiled at how I used to roleplay Teto and Neru-- it shows to me clearly how I portrayed and saw them. And now I love them a lot again now.

No idea if anyone will read this far, but before I fully transition, I will be answering all old asks sent to this account (I have about 40). Not gonna spam it, maybe I'll queue it, but I'll answer your ask after all these years with my new and less sloppy art lol, so that your ask isn't forever unanswered even as I change into a Vocaloid/UTAUloid/Fanloid blog. Even if the original asker/anon isn't around to see it, I'm gonna do that for the sake of completion. Please don't send any new Touhou asks, haha, 'cuz I'm only clearing up old ones, not trying to have new ones. Tbh, I actually have another duo that I love with my whole heart (Raccoon and Fennec from Kemono Friends) who I even gave their own blog, but hahaha, I wonder about making an askblog for them... They already have one so either I should revive it or I'll have them appear as cameos-- that's if anyone is interested in sending me asks at all for this blog's new intended purpose. xD I guess it's better if I stick to Vocaloid/etc. because that's the long-time interest I want to keep up/continue, whereas my love for Raccoon and Fennec has always felt like me trying to cling to the past, even though I still (today) love them with my entire being. I'll just draw those two in my art blog and accept requests/etc. either there or here when it comes to those two. They're my special little goobers (peanuts).

Anyway, everything I do is totally self-indulgent and for fun, and I wanted to mark this transition properly and see if I can reduce my follower count by like 700. xD The only reason it got that high is 'cuz this is my MAIN-main account and I've had it for almost 10 years.

I'm switching from Touhou (an old love of mine) to Vocaloid-UTAU (another old love of mine but more recent). Specifically for Triple Baka: Teto, Miku, and Neru. I'll make profiles and an explanation and stuff of them soon, but you may start thinking of things to send if you want (I ship Teto and Miku btw, same age ranges ofc, so you should also unfollow me if you don't vibe with that 'cuz it'll probably crop up...).

It's been a good run and I'll keep and preserve everything here, but I'm becoming a different beast! I hope to keep at it for a long time! <3 This is still my MAIN-main, so you're always welcome to follow me/stay mutuals if you know me and wanna still stay buddies (I won't spam the timeline btw, I'll probably maybe queue like posts for one or two a day, if I'm that active), but yeah~. It's the end of an era and a transition to a new one! I'm excited tbh! But it will take time. ( uwu ) c:

Btw, I went through all my old posts (there aren't a ton so it doesn't take that long) and I cringed slightly at some of my humor but it did make me break into laughter a couple of times. Mainly because it's the old me I'm reacting to and I'm always like, "there's something wrong with her (affectionate)" whenever I see something that I know I probably (definitely) wouldn't say today. xD In many ways, I've changed from my old self, but I still try to stay friendly and kind, so if anything I made is offensive in any way, that totally wasn't intended! Offending people isn't really part of my sense of humor, so take everything I ever said/made in this blog with a grain of salt/older eyeglasses.

Newer me is cooler imo (the light in my eyes isn't gone yet even though not everything has been fun lmao) and I'm also more careful about the jokes I make, so know that I probably won't make any suggestive/risque jokes at all unless I find it SUPER funny and I can't resist. I doubt there will be any instances of that, but I'm just talking briefly about what to expect for the future.

I'll talk more about it later! For now, I'm gonna slowly go through all my old asks, which will probably definitely take longer than a week. Thanks for all the people who were with me on my journey, if they remember me, and thanks for the fun times! I really did have fun, so I look at this with fondness (even if I do cringe slightly ahaha).

It's okay to be cringe. 😂😂😂😂

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philhoffman · 5 months ago

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I was wondering if you may have any Phil quotes/sayings be it from movies, interviews, etc, that he would might say to someone who needs a cheering up? I know it's a bit specific and niche but my mental states been ran through the ground and I wanna draw myself something comforting with his words. If nothing comes to mind, then you don't have to answer this :)

Oh I totally get it, I have a big list of all my favorite quotes from Phil and I go through them frequently when I need a pick-me-up haha!

There are probably several from his movies but these are all from Phil himself, speaking as himself in interviews and such lol. He was not the most *concise* man so they can get a little rambling 😅 but he's got the spirit! I hope you feel better and that these words help, they've always helped me:

"When you’re [young]... man, it’s just you. It’s just you and your body works so well. And you haven’t done anything and nobody knows who you are and it’s just a clean slate. You’re running out there and going ‘How the hell can I make my mark? What am I gonna do?’ And you can’t lose! I mean, you think at that time, ‘I can lose,’ but you really can’t. And try to tell people that young, it’s like it’s not gonna matter. Make the mistake, who cares? You know what I mean? Be bad, go do that thing, it doesn’t matter." (My favorite.)

"Sometimes I’ll set things up for myself that I don’t know if I’ll be able to achieve... Because all of a sudden you’re in a crisis moment. There’s gonna be a lot that you’re gonna have to do to come through with it, and you’re gonna have to have the will to actually fail and look like an ass and probably be bad and all these things in front of people. You’re gonna have to actually do that in order to be good. You’re gonna actually have to go in and start failing and start risking and start humiliating yourself sometimes right there in front of people in order to get to the good stuff."

"Creating anything is hard. It’s a cliché thing to say, but every time you start a job, you just don’t know anything. I mean, I can break something down, but ultimately I don’t know anything when I start work on a new movie. You start stabbing out, and you make a mistake, and it’s not right, and then you try again and again. The key is you have to commit. And that’s hard because you have to find what it is you are committing to."

"I gotta remember to not kill myself, not beat myself up, not get too worked up about it... I was more moody, more mercurial [when I started acting]... Yes, there's that thing with being younger. You think it's all or nothing. You think all your eggs are in one basket when you're young. You're gambling. Whereas when you're older you realize you can reinvent; you think, this feeling I have is going to pass. You know what I mean? This isn't everything, there will be another film, there will be another relationship, or I'll die and then I'll be dead. But if I'm alive I know life is going to keep throwing things at me."

"You do have to let it go. You do have to move on to the next thing. You have to find passion in some other place and you have to fall in love with something else. And that always takes falling out of love in some way with whatever it was before. I guess I’ll find that out, what that means."

"To be loved, I think, is like the thing that gets you up in the morning." ❤️

"If you say ‘yes,’ to someone, ‘I will,’ that you are also saying, ‘I will be hurt by you.’ Because you can’t have relationships if you’re not willing to be disappointed and hurt by that person. It’s almost impossible. You have to be able to enter into the world and realize that the richness of life is all the good and joy and thrill of it, but also all the disappointment, hurt, and heartache of it. And that all of that is what’s great."

"[Making art is] very fulfilling and challenging and maddening. Sometimes you can never get it right and usually you don’t, and you realize how art and life are very similar, ultimately. They really are. They don’t really end, and they don’t really answer themselves… the good stuff, you know? And how maddening that is because as a person you want so badly to control something or understand something or end something, and you realize, ‘But life doesn’t really do that.’ The good art doesn’t really either. It’s a tough thing."

"If you’re challenging yourself in the way you should, there’s always a doubt about if you’re going to be able to pull it off. That’s everybody’s dilemma, not just actors… The more you expect of yourself, the harder it is, and the more concentrated and focused you’ll be able to get."

"Do I take the path of least resistance? You know in therapy, you always get to the point of like, when am I finished? And it's not finished with therapy, it's like—alllll this crap, when is it over? This thing of like, when do you get it? ... And it's like no! That never happens! You just die! You just fuckin' die. And so that road to death—the road to death we call life—can be just burgers and booze and women and smokes and TV and magazines and really bad art—and you can just go and slide right into the hole. Or you can go, well, I think I better keep confronting and keep challenging and keep trying to make good stuff and working hard. That's what you do because if you don't do that, it's so easy to go to that other place."

"Isn't it worth grieving? Isn't it worth destroying yourself in order to move on? Isn't it worth going through whatever you need to go through in order to move on? Isn't it worth it loving somebody even if this might happen to you? Just a communal understanding that love is worth it; grieving love is also worth it and that it might be this interesting, this colorful, or this odd."

"I don’t think that there’s anyone on the planet that, if looked at closely enough, is worthy of being judged in a way that it would be... not good. And everybody on the planet, if looked at closely enough, is worthy of being loved with the most love that you could ever give."

I also like to listen to him read this poem, one of my favorites by Robert Frost <3

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