Within the past year, my life changed forever. Someone I love dearly began to suffer from drug addiction. Not many people understand this terrifying struggle, unless you are experiencing it yourself. I made this blog to help save a life. I want others to be aware, and somewhat understand what it means to love and witness someone going through addiction. For those who do understand, I want you to know that things are going to be OKAY. We are here for you.
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For those who have a friend or loved one suffering from drug addiction, this is for you.
Hey guys! This week I wrote an article I know a lot of my followers will appreciate. Please give it a read and feel free to share/message me about it!
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1 Year Sober
Happy Birthday Kyle :) even though we aren’t together anymore, I really enjoyed being able to talk to you all day today. I appreciate it more than you think I do, and today means a lot to me too. I’ll be congratulating you and supporting you through your journey no matter where we end up. Great job on one year clean. I love and am so proud of you. ❤️
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I have a long road ahead of me, but I don't want to think about that yet. I can't think about tomorrow or yesterday. I have to focus on today.
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The addict is addicted to the substance. The co-dependant is addicted to the addict.
Papa Bear
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Coming Through. January 2015.
I love Kyle more than anything in the world. My feelings for him simply cannot change. Addict or not, they won’t change. Kyle has really changed me as a person. Even after finding out about his drug addiction. He is very motivated and vibrant. He always brings out the best in people, and wants to see them succeed. His motivation and determination inspired me to do so much better in many different ways. It was until after he admitted to being a heroin addict that I realized, everybody has a downfall. This just happened to be his.
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January 4th, 2015. 12:40 pm.
Dear Kyle,
You’re home. I’m leaving soon to come see you. I’m really nervous to see you. I’ve been anxious and thinking about you constantly the past few days. I’m not sure what will happen once we see each other. I will continue to support you and be there for you. I want you to have time to start recovering and doing things for yourself. You need to be honest with yourself, build up your confidence, and self-esteem. You can do this. Believe in yourself and be strong. Your soul is filled with amazing, and extraordinary things. You’re capable of doing so much. Anything you want. Just believe in yourself and take it one day at a time.
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January 2nd, 2015. 7:16 pm.
We just got off the phone. You come home on Sunday. One day left. I can’t really describe how I’m feeling right now. I guess it’s kind of a neutral feeling... I just want you to be honest with me. You need to be honest with everyone. Even to yourself. Please don’t lie anymore.
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Playlist for You :)
Here are some songs I want you to listen to! Some are motivating and inspiring while some are a little emotional. I thought of you while listening to them. Also, some express how I felt during our relationship and how I felt the past month. I hope you like them as much as I do! :)
1. Ma Meilleure- La Fouine and Zaho
2. I Lived- One Republic
3. Follow You- Leeland
4. Addict With A Pen- Twenty One Pilots
5. Jenny- Nothing More
6. Daisy- Brand New
7. Friend, Please- Twenty One Pilots
8. Kitchen Sink- Twenty One Pilots
9. I’ll Be Okay- Nothing More
10. Holding On To You- Twenty One Pilots
11. If I Were- Nothing More
12. Johnny Boy- Twenty One Pilots
13. Drown- Tyler Joseph
14. If It Means A Lot To You- A Day To Remember
15. Meant To Live- Switchfoot
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January 1st, 2015.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! I hope you’re doing well today. You come home in a few days. Just think, this is a new year, a new beginning, AND A NEW YOU!!! I know you can do this. I know you can be strong and honest. You’re worth so much more than you think you are. You have such a vibrant personality and you have amazing qualities. Your looks are just a plus. :) You’re smart, even if you don’t know it, you're loving, you're always willing to help people, and you bring out the best in people. You have what it takes to be successful. You really do. As long as you follow your intentions for recovery. Let this be your comeback year, and make each year even better as they come. This is a new year and a new beginning. Make this one a great one and a sober one. When you’re having a bad day, just take deep breaths and remember, this is your second chance. Keep fighting through it. One day at a time. I know you can do this. You just have to believe that you can too. Focus on today. Not yesterday or tomorrow. Take it one day at a time.
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December 31, 2014.
It was great hearing you on the phone tonight. I love your voice so much. I’m glad you're able to stay up tonight because I’m definitely not. I thought it was funny that we were able to laugh about that. I would have stayed up if I didn’t have work at 6AM!!!! Oh by the way I started drinking coffee now. Maybe that’s why I can only manage getting 5 hours of sleep. Who knows. I can honestly say that you're the first thing that comes to my mind when I wake up in the morning. Especially since I wake up at 6:30 and I know you do too. Some nights I can’t sleep and I wonder if you’re up thinking about me... because I’m always thinking about you.
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December 28th, 2014.
Your sister and I came to visit you today. I’ll admit, I was so nervous to see you. It seemed like it took forever to get there. At least your sister and I got to bond a bit! I was so nervous to see you because you’re in rehab, and because I haven’t seen you since I figured out what really happened. I don’t want you to think you’re a bad person because of what happened. You have a loving heart, and I know you have good intentions. You just have to follow them, and make wiser decisions. When I saw you, my heart dropped to the floor. It was almost impossible to lock eyes with you. My nerves got worse the closer you got to me. It was bittersweet to hug you. Sweet because I was so warm and still felt so protected in your embrace. Bitter because a part of me is empty. I’m sorry if I didn’t seem too talkative at first. I really just didn't know what to say. I guess my nerves got the best of me. But I’ll admit, I kept thinking about how cute you looked, especially with all that facial hair. You werewolf!!!! As you pulled me closer I felt a sudden burst of butterflies inside me. It was so great to see you. I think the both of us really needed it.
You don't always get a second chance, but you got one. I am beyond grateful, and I know you are too.
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December 27th, 2014.
THIS. IS. GREAT. I’m looking through all the pictures of us, and I’m doing nothing but smiling and laughing. I love you so much Kyle. I could never want anyone else but you. It’s going to take a lot of time to get to where we want to be, but if we really love each other, love will find its way back. I miss you so much. I know things will be better soon. I know you have the strength to do this. I have so much faith in you. I will support you through this no matter how long it takes. I’ll always be in your heart. No matter where we are.
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December 27th, 2014. 10:08 am.
Today marks Day 14 in rehab and recovery. Even though time has gone by so fast, I miss you so much. It’s weird not being able to text you and talk to you 24/7. There were times I was excited to tell you things, and I realized I couldn't just pick up my phone and tell you. The first 5 days or so were absolutely horrendous. It was very difficult for me to adapt to this. I came into this relationship knowing you had a drug and alcohol problem in the past. But I thought it was over and done with. I obviously didn't prepare myself for my boyfriend to relapse. I didn't expect some of these events to occur. I’ve had friends and people I was relatively close to use drugs, but it never really affected me because I was able to distance myself from those people. This time it’s different. I developed feelings of intimacy and love towards you. That’s why it’s so hard. I want to be with you for a very long time. There’s no guarantee that this won't happen again. All I can do is hope. You have to be strong, honest, and ask for help when you need it. Never be ashamed to ask for help.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight paths for you.”
I know how you can get. That’s why I always asked you if everything was okay or if something was wrong to please tell me. You knew I was always there to ask for help and I was always willing to help you. I don't know what your intentions were, or what you were thinking every time you used. Heroin took over your mind and that’s all you thought about. That’s what happens when you’re addicted, and I finally realized that. All I kept thinking was, “Why Kyle?” “Why would you do this?” “What was going through your head?” “Why didn’t you just tell somebody what was wrong?” Regardless of what you do, or how we feel, it happened. You can't take it back. All you can do now is change your future. I believe you can, and that’s why I say it every time I write. I really do believe you can change. You just have to want it. Nobody can change you. Only you can.
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December 26th, 2014.
“My Soul is so Hurt, So I Had to Leave Him.”
I think the title pretty much says it all. Devastated. Heartbroken. Hurt. Betrayed. Kyle is the love of my life. He is the man I see myself marrying, having kids with, and dying with. On December 13th, 2014 my boyfriend was caught under the influence of heroin. It is now December 26th. I still can’t get it through my head that the love of my life relapsed. I need to get out of this denial. Kyle is so damn perfect to me. Now I feel hurt and betrayed. He lied to me. Even though he is seeking help and admitted to having a problem, he still lied to me and it hurts so fucking bad.
All I can do is hope.
Kyle is a strong individual. He is so charming, and has a future full of opportunities and success. I know he has the strength to overcome any obstacle thrown at him. But he can’t do it with heroin. Not with the devil inside him. He has to want sobriety and do it himself. As much as I would love to call him my boyfriend, I can’t. At least not for now. I don’t know when or if I ever will be able to again. The reason why I had to make this decision is because he lied to me. Didn’t care about me. Betrayed me. I could never go through this again. The anxiety, the lying, the emotional breakdowns at 2am, the doubts, the hurt... I never thought I could go through something like this. I would never wish this on anybody. Maybe some day Kyle will find someone that doesn't care about any of this. Maybe she can handle it better than I can. Maybe someday Kyle and I will get to know each other again...
All I can do is hope.
Until then, I will support him and be by his side through this. As a friend. I still care about him, and love him. I’m even willing to give a second chance at a relationship. He just needs to prove to me that he can do this. I love him so much. I really do. It is going to take awhile to regain all the trust back and to have reassurance that this won't happen again. But it’s worth the chance. I’m giving him the chance. Kyle is still the man I see myself saying “I do” too. He has my heart forever. No matter what the outcome might be.
All I can do is hope.
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December 22nd, 2014. 4:04 pm.
The one thing that makes me feel so terrified is the fact that I could be sitting at his funeral right now. It breaks my heart knowing Kyle was so beyond close to death. I’m devastated. Broken... I feel betrayed. I feel so fortunate that he is here and getting help. The two things keeping me happy right now is that 1. he's getting help and 2. HE IS ALIVE. I feel betrayed not because of his addiction but because he lied to me. I’m the love of his life, and he still lied. He has been in rehab for a week now. He has called me several times to apologize, but that is still no excuse. He explained to me that if I didn’t want to be with him he understood why. He said he wants what’s best for me and wants me to be the happiest I can be, even if it’s not with him. Right now, I really don’t know whats best for me... He’s been doing well in rehab. Very well. But what will happen when he returns home?
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December 16th, 2014. 10:08 pm.
“In Love With a Liar on Heroin.”
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 5 months now. It might sound crazy, but I swear I am in love. I came into this relationship knowing that my boyfriend had problems with drugs and alcohol in the past. He was clean at the time, and told me that he never wanted to go back to that life. He regrets a lot of things he has done. If anything, what he's been through has taught him a lot, and I’m glad that it happened now rather than later (not that I wanted it to happen at all). I just don’t understand why he would lie. That’s what hurt the most about this whole thing. I thought we could tell each other everything? He made up a whole story and left for rehab without telling me. I had to find out from someone else... The love of my life lied to me and I don't understand...
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Unknown date and time
The Serenity prayer is a reminder of the inner peace we find in God. This prayer means so much to me and will forever. I’ve been praying it since I was 13. I was given my great grandmother’s serenity prayer necklace, and ever since it’s been a big part of me. Every time I say it or think it, it just becomes even more powerful to me. It helps me get through hard times and make better decisions. This prayer changed my life in so many ways. It makes me more positive. It’s amazing how you can feel after praying. This prayer brought me closer to God and hopefully it will do the same for you.
“God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change: Courage to change the things I can: and Wisdom to know the difference.”
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