#this is from a conversation a few days ago but like. im still so annoyed adkjdlklkl

[luvergirl-866]

something like love

pairing - paige bueckers x azzi fudd

word count - 4.1k

c/a - language

a/n - hi!! i am so so excited to be posting my first ever pazzi fic (and also my first post on tumblr!) she’s a cute little fake-dating rom-com for yall, and i hope you enjoy reading it as much i enjoyed writing it! updates will probably be inconsistent but im gonna do my best lol. lmk what yall think!! (edit: side note, this is obviously all fiction! i’m sure paige’s mom and step-dad are perfectly good people irl, lol)

“Will you go out with me?”

When Paige asks this question during their weekly lunch date, Azzi is so taken aback that she almost chokes on her Chipotle.

“Shit, you good?” Paige asks, concerned, handing Azzi a napkin to cough into.

Azzi waves her off, swallows, and croaks, “What?”

“Hm?” Paige is staring at her nonchalantly, like she didn’t just ask what Azzi heard her ask. “Oh, that. Yeah, will you?”

“I don’t—“ Azzi shakes her head. Is she being messed with? It feels a lot like she’s being messed with. “Paige, you’re my best friend.”

“Exactly.”

“I didn’t know you…had, like, feelings for me.”

“Huh? No!” Wide-eyed, Paige shakes her head violently. “No, ‘course I don’t.”

Azzi’s stomach clenches—not in the good way it sometimes does around Paige—and she thinks Paige could’ve bothered to sound less disgusted by the notion of her having feelings for Azzi. “Funny, P.”

“I’m for real.”

Azzi frowns. “Actually?” Paige nods and Azzi wrinkles her brow, confused. “So you wanna go out with me but you don’t feel…like that about me.”

“Were you even listening earlier?” Paige playfully rolls her eyes, sitting all casually in her seat with her legs spread like she has the biggest dick on campus. Azzi usually loves it when she sits like that, but now she’s too annoyed and confused to appreciate it. “I was talking about my mom.”

“Oh.” To be fair, Azzi stopped listening a while ago, when Paige was still talking about the hot electrician that fixed her leaky sink the other day. She wasn’t aware the conversation had taken a more serious tone. “Sorry, I spaced. What were you saying?”

“I was saying she and her fuckass husband invited me home for a few weeks this summer…” Paige waits, but it doesn’t ring any bells, so she sighs and continues. “They told me to bring Josh.”

Azzi scrunches her nose. “Eww, why?”

“Because…I haven’t really, like, you know…” Paige tips her head to the side, “told them we ended things.”

“Paige,” Azzi sighs.

“I know! I know. Just, I dunno.” Paige sighs, and Azzi knows she’s trying to act chill about it even though she likely laid awake last night thinking about it. “It’s hard, y’know? They’re not like my dad’s side, they’re not like your parents. You know what they did after I told them…” Paige glances surreptitiously around the restaurant, even though they’re far away from campus and not very likely to be recognized, “everything. And if I told them about Josh and they suspected something, I don’t think they’d let me see Ryan and Lauren again.” Her eyes are wide, now, and she’s doing that thing she does when she gets mad, pinching her bottom lip between her fingers.

Paige and Josh were never actually a thing, by the way. Paige doesn’t swing that way and she’s known it for a long time. But she came out to her mom over the new year, and that phone call had ended in a seething Paige at Azzi’s door, yelling and cursing while Azzi listened, and a broken one in her bed that night, crying herself to sleep while Azzi stroked her hair.

So a couple months later Paige recruited their closeted gay friend, Josh. And they became each other’s beards, pleasing her mom enough that she could stay in contact with her younger siblings. That is, until Josh found a nice boyfriend and Paige was left hanging.

Azzi tries to come up with something to say, something comforting, but she’s not sure there is anything to say.

“And I hate them for that,” Paige goes on. “But as long as Ryan and Lauren are still kids, my parents can still keep them from me. And it sucks they’re holding that over my head but there’s not a lot I can do about it.”

Azzi offers a sad little smile, letting her silence urge Paige to go on, even though she can tell it’s hard for her.

“So, anyway,” Paige sighs, sitting back in her seat, “when Josh ended it, I didn’t wanna tell them, because I knew the calls would stop coming, the support. And so whenever they asked about him, I’d be all, oh, yeah, he’s doing great, just busy. Just bullshitting my way through it.”

“And you’ve been doing this for the past two months?”

“Umm…” Paige looks down at her fingers, counting on them, then furrows her eyebrows. “Pretty much, yeah.”

“Okay…” Azzi leans forward on her elbows. “So how does your weird question come into all this?”

“Don’t say no right away,” Paige says, giving her this knowing look she hates.

Azzi narrows her eyes at her. “We’ll see.”

Paige reaches over to whack her and misses. “Lemme explain, damn. So, when they called me last night and invited me to come home with Josh, I was like, oh, shit. And I thought of ways I could handle it.”

“Uh-huh…” Azzi watches with wary eyes as Paige bends to rummage through her book bag. “Paige, tell me you’re not—”

“Let me introduce you to…” Paige keys up her laptop and then turns the screen toward Azzi with a wide smile, “Boom!”

“Oh my fucking god.” Azzi buries her head in her hands.

“No, bro, listen! It’s lowkey impressive!” Paige taps the screen. “It’s titled Game Plan for my Summer Visit to my Fuckass Parents, featuring Azzi Fudd. By Paige Bueckers.”

“Good Lord,” Azzi says, taking a peek at the PowerPoint in front of her. When has Paige ever gone to such lengths as to create a PowerPoint before? This must really be serious to her.

“So, listen carefully.” Paige taps the screen again; it changes from the title slide to one labeled ‘First (and worst) Option’. “I put the worst part because it’s true, but it’s also a lil rhyming moment.”

“Right, okay. Just keep going, please.”

“So, this is the first option that came to mind,” Paige starts, glancing down at the screen. “This is the option where I ghost my parents and refuse to come see them at all.” She taps the screen to a pros and cons slide. “As you can see, I mostly only came up with cons.”

“Yeah, because it’s a terrible idea.”

“I know. So then we have option two.” The next slide is labeled ‘Option Two (mid)’. “I put the mid part because—“

“I get it.”

Paige shoots her a look. Azzi playfully kicks her under the table. “Go on.”

“Okay.” Paige nudges Azzi’s foot with her own, but her attention is back to the laptop. “This is the scenario where I let my parents think that Josh and I are still together by telling them that I can come to Montana, but that Josh can’t. It’d be pretty easy, and as you can see here…” she clicks the screen, “there’s an even ratio of pros to cons.”

Azzi nods sagely. Sometimes, her best friend takes a while to get to the point, and Azzi learned a long time ago that waiting it out is the best way to go.

“But there is this one big con: I can’t keep lying to my parents forever. So this option is pretty much a way to procrastinate on telling them the truth. Which takes us to the last option.”

This slide is titled ‘Third Option (THE BEST)’ along with a few muscle emojis tacked to the end. A headache forms at the base of Azzi’s skull.

“This is where my awesome idea comes in.” Paige gives her a very self-satisfied smile. “Instead of Josh, I take you with me to Montana and we pretend you’re my girlfriend for two weeks. Literally a genius idea.” She leans back in her seat, nodding assuredly to herself, and Azzi can’t help but smile because she really loves this girl. Despite how bat-shit crazy she is.

“P, I don’t—“

“Hear me out.” Paige clicks to the final slide. This pros and cons list is mostly pros, and Azzi spots many love-emojis sprinkled throughout. “We pretend we’ve been dating since beginning of March. They know you’re my best friend; we’ll pretend that after Josh broke up with me, you and I bonded and fell in love or some shit. My parents won’t be happy, but I’ll already be there with you so they won’t kick me out or nothing.” Paige frowns. “Probably.”

Ok, so, Azzi absolutely hates to admit it, but this does actually make some sense. Not that she’ll ever say such a thing out loud.

“And then they’ll realize we’re totally in love and I’m happy and even if they hate gay shit they just want me to be happy, because I’m their kid.” Paige says this last part less like a fact and more like something she’s trying to convince herself of. Azzi can’t help but feel bad for her.

“Okay,” Azzi says slowly, watching Paige tuck away her laptop. “That’s your plan.”

“Yep.”

“I’m seeing a few plot holes.”

Paige waves her off. “It’ll work. No plan of mine is gonna fail, trust.”

“And why should I help you?”

Paige gives her an easy smile, and Azzi sort of hates how confident she is. “Because I’m your best friend in the whole world and you love me.”

Azzi raises an eyebrow.

“C’mon, Az. What is there to lose?”

Azzi sighs and almost says something stupid like I’m in, but this isn’t just one of those things that she can help Paige with without thinking twice. It’ll be two weeks of torture, pretending to date the girl she’s secretly in love with while being surrounded by her homophobic family, and then having to come home at the end of the two weeks and pretend she never got to experience a glimpse of what it’s like to be with Paige in the way she’s always wanted.

It sounds like hell.

Azzi sighs again, ready to say no, but when she looks up Paige is staring at her with something more vulnerable than before, open in the way she bites her lip, her arm reaching across the table like she’s wearing her heart on her sleeve and waiting for Azzi to take it.

Azzi takes her hand, instinctually, and says, “Okay.”

She is so fucking gone for this girl.

————————————-

They don’t talk about it for two days after that. It’s not that they don’t get the chance, or that they don’t see each other—they go to the gym together both days—it’s just that neither of them seems to have the guts to bring it up. And why should they? It wasn’t too scary while they were having the original conversation—nothing too big or threatening or, god forbid, real—but as soon as Azzi stepped into her dorm after that lunch, she realized just how much she fucked up by saying yes to Paige’s crazy idea.

It would be an understatement to say that talking about it is the last thing Azzi wants to do at this point.

Paige, however, seems to have other plans, as she usually does. When she storms into the living room—where almost every single member of the UConn women’s basketball team is doing homework—she makes a beeline for the seat beside Azzi on the couch and whispers, “Hey.”

Nika leans up from the floor to poke Paige with her pencil. “No chit-chat, we’re working.”

Paige glares. “What, I can’t talk to my best friend?”

“Shh,” hisses Aaliyah, barely pulling her eyes from her laptop.

Paige flips her off even though Aaliyah is too immersed to notice, and then she turns her attention back to Azzi, bumping their knees together. “Can we talk later?”

Azzi pretends to be focused on studying. “Mm. About?”

“About…” Paige glances around furtively, “y’know.”

Yes, Azzi does in fact know, but she really wishes she didn’t. “What’s there to talk about?”

“Oh, I dunno,” Paige says sarcastically. “Specifics? Rules? Details? I prepared a whole new PowerPoint.”

“So that’s what you’ve been doing the past couple of days.”

“Yeah, turns out I love PowerPoint.”

Azzi finally cautions a glance up, and Paige is looking at her, completely serious. The eye contact seriously messes with her ability to make sound decisions.

“Okay,” Azzi relents. “As long as you’re quiet for the next forty minutes, we can talk.”

Paige, dutifully, doesn’t say a word for the rest of Azzi’s worktime, letting everyone study in peace. And that’s how Azzi ends up in Paige’s bedroom an hour later, perched on the edge of her bed while Paige struggles with her laptop.

“Okay, fuck this,” Paige says after extensive fiddling. “My stupid fucking PowerPoint isn’t loading. What the hell.”

Every bone in Jennie’s body wants to take this as a sign from God, the fact that this PowerPoint isn’t working, that they’re not supposed to do this. She wants to walk out of the room—and this agreement—for good. But Paige is her best friend and Azzi had always been too loyal for her own good, so she sighs and says, “How about we just talk about it? Y’know, like normal people.”

Paige frowns but closes her laptop regardless. “Okay. So.”

“So…”

“First off,” Paige says when Azzi doesn’t continue, “I just felt like I should probably say sorry for dragging you into this.” Paige scratches the back of her neck, always a little awkward when it comes to apologies. “I know it’s a lot to ask for.”

Azzi blinks, startled. “Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Oh, well…” should she back out? If she were going to, now’s her chance.

Azzi looks down at a scab on her knee. “I mean, that’s okay.”

Paige shifts in her seat, the stool creaking underneath her. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. It’s not like this is the first time I’ve had to help with one of your ridiculous plans.” Azzi goes for lighthearted but knows it falls flat under the weight of what she’s going to have to do.

“Okay.” When Azzi looks up, Paige is staring at her suspiciously. She wonders just how bad of an actress she must be for Paige, the same Paige who hasn’t yet detected Azzi’s somewhat obvious, six-years-long crush on her, to see right through her. But then she just shrugs and continues, aloof like she always is. “So then I wanted to ask you about what you think we should do about…all this.”

“…Okay?”

“I was thinking we should get into the, like. The specifics.”

Azzi rolls her eyes. “Paige, just tell me.”

Paige gnaws at her lip until it turns white and Azzi starts to worry it might bleed, but then she says, “We need a sex timeline.”

If Azzi were drinking water, she would have surely spit it out.

“A what?” she asks, sort of incredulous. Paige has said a lot of crazy things before but nothing quite like that.

“Okay, my bad, weird way to put it.” Paige grins as if all of this is funny to her. “What I mean is we need a story to tell my family, our friends. Like, why did we start dating? When was our first kiss? What’s our song? Have we, you know…gone to the penthouse and freaked it?”

Azzi throws herself back onto the bed. Paige’s bed. Which she is just now realizing is probably going to be the bed that many of these fictional events are going to take place in. “Paige.”

Paige is giggling now, which is endearing because Paige doesn’t giggle often. If only it weren’t at Azzi’s expense. “We need to figure it out, for real! People are going to ask questions.”

“People are not going to ask those kinds of questions.”

“Um, excuse me.” Paige stands and walks over until she’s at the bed, pulling Azzi’s legs off the edge playfully. “Have you met our friends? KK’s not shy with that shit.”

Azzi’s ankles instinctively go around the back of Paige’s thighs, but she’s in a certain mindset due to their current conversation and the casual gesture suddenly seems much less innocent than usual. She unwraps them, pulling her legs from Paige’s grasp as discreetly as possible. “So we’re planning on telling them we’re dating, too?”

Paige shrugs. “Yeah. You weren’t?”

“I don’t…” Azzi straightens up as Paige sits beside her, their hips touching. “We spend every day with them, P. Don’t you think it’ll be hard to keep up the act that much?”

“Yeah, probably. But that’s also why I wanna do it.” As usual, Paige sounds completely sure of herself. “We only have a couple weeks until Montana and I wanna make sure we get enough practice acting like a couple.”

Azzi still feels uneasy about the whole thing, but Paige is right—they can’t get onto a plane as best friends and get off it a convincing pair of girlfriends.

Azzi’s face heats at the term. Girlfriends. But that’s what they’ll be, isn’t it?

“I was thinking we’ll tell them next week,” Paige says. “We’ll ask them to hang out and then drop it on them that we’ve been dating since March.” Paige must recognize the look on Azzi’s face, because she puts a hand on her knee—which does absolutely nothing to help. “Is that cool with you?”

Azzi can’t say all of the things she’s thinking right now, so instead she settles for, “Yeah, no.” She pauses, her feet on Paige’s fuzzy carpet, and decides this will be the last time she lets herself doubt this.

“I think that’s perfect.”

————————————

One week later, three Saturdays from the end the school year, Azzi sits with a bowl of popcorn in her lap feeling like she might hurl.

“Why are you acting so weird, Fudd?” KK asks, and Azzi startles at her name, looking at the freshman who’s sitting on the floor in front of her and giving her a weird look.

“Leave her alone, Camera,” Paige says, settling into the couch next to Azzi. “What movie we watching?”

They are all crammed into a dorm, as they often are, excited for a chill team movie night in the midst of finals season. Little do the girls know, they will be getting entertainment from more than just the movie tonight.

“No, KK’s right,” Ice says, scrolling through Netflix on the TV. “Azzi’s been acting super weird.”

Azzi, somewhat offended (she thought her acting skills were pretty decent) looks around the room for help. Instead, the girls all just nod their agreement.

Paige nudges her and raises her eyebrows, and Azzi knows exactly what that look means.

“You don’t have to tell us what’s up if you don’t want,” Inês says from her place on the other side of Azzi, dipping her hand into their shared popcorn. It almost makes Azzi want to back out.

Almost.

Putting on her bravest face, Azzi nods and turns to face their friends. “Paige and I have something we’d like to tell you.”

There’s something odd about the silence that follows this, the way the girls on the floor look at each other before turning their bodies to face the couch, the stragglers sitting in the loveseat and at the dining table leaning forward almost imperceptibly.

Azzi tenses up as she is suddenly under the scrutiny of eleven other girls. How is she going to lie to them? How is this ever going to work?

Paige, through some form of best-friend-telepathy, senses Azzi’s struggle and places a comforting hand on her back. “I can say it.”

This isn’t what they practiced, but Azzi is too grateful and too distracted by the hand on her back to worry about going off-script.

“We’ve been wanting to tell y’all for a while,” Paige says. “But we also wanted to just keep it to ourselves for a little bit.”

It sounds so natural, and effortless, and Azzi can feel herself slipping into this role for the first time. She pretends the hand on her back is more than friendly, the nerves in her stomach are something other than guilt, the things Paige is about to say are true.

If one good thing is going to come out of any of this, it’ll be this feeling of contentment that Azzi will get to have, at least for a little while. And maybe she’s okay with that.

“Do you guys remember that party we went to a couple months ago?” Paige asks. Her nails scratch over Azzi’s shirt, making her shiver.

“Yeah…” Nika says at the table in the corner. Aubrey rests her chin in her palms, looking suspiciously like she’s trying not to smile. For some reason, Ice and KK are clutching each other’s hands.

“Well, when Azzi and I got home we just decided to stay together in her dorm…” Paige trails off like she’s hesitant to continue, and half the girls lean closer to them while the other half look a little too relaxed. Ice is now glaring at KK, who’s…beaming?

“Something happened between us that night.” Paige looks at Azzi now, and even though this is what they were supposed to do the look in her eyes still takes Azzi’s breath for just a moment. She has dreamed of Paige looking at her like this for years, and now it is finally happening, and Azzi thinks she would do anything to make this all real.

Paige opens her mouth to continue, but before she can, KK jumps to her feet and squeals, and Ice throws the remote on the ground with an angry, “Fuck!”

Azzi and Paige both startle, and Azzi loves the way Paige’s hand fists up her shirt in surprise, but then the notices that all the other girls don’t seem surprised or confused at all—rather, they all seem to be having similar reactions to KK. Nika and Aubrey are even singing something, and Inês has jumped up from her spot beside Azzi to join the others in what looks a lot like a celebration. Why are they all chest-bumping each other?

Finally, Azzi finds it in herself to speak. “Guys, what…?”

KK kneels to wrap her arms around a sulking Ice and looks at them both, eyes glimmering. “Whatchu mean, what?”

“I don’t…” Paige releases Azzi’s shirt, her hand falling to the seat behind her. “We haven’t even finished telling you yet.”

“Are y’all actually this dumb?” KK asks, before squealing in Ice’s ear and then throwing herself onto the couple on the couch. “Ugh! I’m so happy for you two lovebirds.”

“Lovebirds…?” Azzi asks, but the room is too raucous for her to be heard and when she looks at Paige, all she gets is an equally confused head shake in return.

“My babies are growing up,” Aubrey says, wiping an invisible tear, and Aaliyah comfortingly pats her shoulder.

“Baby,” Amari says, smiling at the both of them, “we have known.”

“Uh,” Paige says, thrown off for once in her life. “How?”

“Because y’all are the most obvious fucking couple in the country,” Ice chips in. She is still pouting, even with Ayanna patting her on the head and Jana rubbing her shoulders.

During the past week, Paige and Azzi have been dropping a few hints here and there in the hopes that they could almost ease their friends into it before telling them, to make things more believable. But obvious? Obvious enough for all of them to know? That’s a stretch.

Apparently thinking the same thing, Paige laughs awkwardly, trying to regain some semblance of control over the situation. “We thought we were pretty good at hiding it.”

“Yeah, right.” Caroline flicks Azzi’s forehead good-naturedly. “KK and Ice have had a bet running for, like, six months now.”

At this, Azzi tenses up, and Paige turns to her, gives her a cautious, confused smile. “That long?”

“I started the bet, of course,” KK pipes in. “You two are so in love.” She sighs dreamily and then nudges Ice with her foot. “You owe me my five-hundy, girlypop.”

“You didn’t even actually win, this doesn’t count,” Ice grumbles. “We made the bet six months ago and they only started dating in March. And also, I thought they’d be way too pussy to tell us yet.”

Paige perks up at this, her unusual awkwardness gone as fast as it came. “Hey! I ain’t pussy about nothing!” and KK chimes in with her own protests of, “Girl, boo! It does too still count, you’re just a sore-ass loser!”

Azzi can’t bring herself to say anything, because their teammates believed Azzi and Paige gave been dating longer ago than this arrangement was even brought up. And that means they must have seen Azzi’s feelings for Paige, and whatever the other side of that is, and they don’t really act like a couple, do they?

“Anyway,” Ice continues, a little less pouty now, “I totally thought I’d have to walk in on you two fucking or something before you ever really came clean.”

Azzi squeezes her eyes shut. Paige’s fingernails dig into her back a little bit.

“I actually can’t believe none of us have walked in on them fucking yet,” Nika muses, and the room quiets down a little, everyone mumbling their assent.

“Maybe they’re celibate,” KK reasons, then fixes them with a look. “Are y’all celibate?”

Paige laughs, and then bends close to Azzi’s ear and mutters, “Told you so.”

For the rest of the night, Azzi’s neck is hot.

This might be more complicated than she thought.

[crazylittlejester]

Do you have any angsty/general hcs of Wild?

yesssss yes i do >:) i actually have a lot of thoughts about Wild (sorry for taking so long to answer this im real behind on asks)

- Fluent in a TON of languages, which he only discovered when he actually went to the other regions of Hyrule and got a few memories back. If you asked him to think about it he wouldn’t be able to, but plop him down and have him have a conversation with someone from a different region in his Hyrule and the memory of the language will come back and he can understand and speak with them

- His poor body is so used to getting thrown around that he rarely if EVER experiences motion sickness (never let him challenge you to see who can roll down a hill faster. it will be him because he will make it to the bottom and you will have to stop because you got nauseous.)

- There’s something INCREDIBLY odd about him that is both extremely uncanny and alluring at the same time, and its not because he’s covered in scars. Like people will look at him as he passes by and they can’t STOP looking at him for some unknown reason and they get a full body chill when they do. It took the chain a very very long time to stop feeling like that near him because they just had to adjust to him (it’s not caused by anything Wild does, he’s not in control of it, it’s just that he has the aura of an ancient dead being and it’s so fucking strong that those who are more attuned to magic can like. literally feel him.)

- His eyes used to be a very dark, stormy blue. In a way, they still are, but they seem unnaturally bright and almost turquoise, but if you actually got up in his face you can see the stormy blue beneath it, it just looks very oddly dead

- He’s hard of hearing, and it’s harder to hear from the ear on the same side as his scars which he why he really liked learning the chain knowns sign because he CAN read lips fairly well but sometimes it’s just hard and annoying to have to do when people are talking quietly. He can hear like, a slightly louder than normal talking volume if the person he’s chatting with isn’t too far from him, but anything softer than that becomes very hard for him to make out

- He has no memory of his mother, and the guilt eats him alive. She died so long ago there’s no one alive who remembers her still, not even the few older people who’ve survived the calamity and stuck around for a hundred years, and he feels bad that he has a few faint memories of his dad and sister but not her

- He’s a bit scared of Warriors at first because he looks at him and wonders if that might have been what his life would’ve looked like had he not failed, but once he spends more time with him and realizes that Wars is just a person, and a person who lives under so much stress and regret at that, he realizes he has a lot in common with him and they connect really well

- He. LOVES. to. talk. Whether he’s using sign or running his mouth he LOVES to talk, and he has so much to talk ABOUT. He has so many pictures and he’s seen SO many things and now he has friends to share that with who also love to learn???? This is so good for him. However he will stop talking the second he gets overwhelmed or overstimulated, and sometimes it takes him a day or two to start talking again

- He documents everything with his slate to show Zelda when he gets home because even though she’s free now, he feels bad that he gets to see a side of the world she never will so he takes pictures of it so she can experience things through HIS memories in a way to pay her back for letting him re-experience life through hers

- He sometimes has trouble feeling like he’s actually IN his body and it scares him. He mentioned it to Wars at one point (because Wars has moments where he doesn’t seem all too there) but neither of them can figure out if he’s dissociating because of trauma or if his soul is literally just loosely tied to his body because he died and he ACTUALLY starts to drift out of it. It scares him that Wars doesn’t have an actual answer for him, and no one else seems to know either

- He gets overwhelmed at times, especially when people hover over him because he simply isn’t used to it, but if he gets hurt he will let Twilight hover all he wants because the alternative is Twi working himself up and driving everyone else insane and Wild knows that Twi just needs to feel useful and taking care of people helps him keep himself calm. So Wild puts up with it

- Will spontaneously try new food dishes or just combine ingredients he was curious about and feed it to the chain without telling them he’s testing out a brand new recipe so they aren’t unconsciously biased when he asks them how it is (obviously he avoids allergens, diet restrictions, or foods that will just make them uncomfortable because he’s not an asshole, he just doesn’t tell them its something he’s never made before)

- On a similar note one of the first things he did when the chain started getting comfortable with eat other was take them all one by one and have them cook with him a dish they liked from home so he could learn the recipes and they could all share their cultures and food with each other

- It’s not that he DOESNT take care of his hair, he just also barrels down hills, crashes through bushes, and falls in mud puddles so by the end of the day he’s a hot mess. He takes very good care of his hair, and he WILL NOT go to bed without combing it out and braiding it to keep it from tangling, no matter how fucking tired he is (or Twi or Wars will end up doing it for him)

- TERRIFYINGLY intelligent and a brilliant strategist. He’s the only one who’s ever outsmarted Wars in a game of chess, and no one in the chain has gotten over it. Sometime’s Wild’s head is really foggy and it’s hard for him to think but on days of clarity he’s wicked smart and he thinks FAST

- It’s very hard for him to sleep sometimes because of his century long nap. Sometimes he’ll be up for multiple days in a row and then crash for 15 hours

- It is not necessarily that he’s reckless, more so that he had to relearn what it is like to be killable. His recklessness is accidental. He woke up, grabbed a stick, and just fucking WENT, and when he got mipha’s grace he was invincible for a bit. Obviously he knew death was a thing but until he recovered the memory of himself dying, it was almost like he didn’t think it could happen to him. Because of this, sometimes he just jumps at things before he remembers “hey, you can die doing this- maybe do not”

[wooahaes]

tender and loving

pairing: non-idol!mingyu x fem!reader

genre: established relationship au. romance.

warnings: reader is in a dress. food. gyu and reader are down bad for each other im afraid

word count: ~1.3k

daisy's notes: the day i actually push myself to write a romance novel w some of this prose its over for u bitches /j

“I thought about bringing a guitar, actually.” Mingyu stretched himself alongside one side of the picnic blanket, propping himself up on his elbows. His eyes were twinkling as he looked at you, beaming at you as he watched the way the wind fluttered your skirt and rustled your hair. “But I thought it’d be too much.”

It earned a laugh from you as you shifted on your half of the blanket, carefully folding your dress’s skirt underneath your legs so that it would stop flapping against your legs. Thankfully, you had on tights so flashing anyone wasn’t much of a worry, but you were still a little annoyed by the way the fabric smacked against your legs. This spot wasn’t perfect in location, but the company you kept made up for it plenty. Mingyu had made all the food that sat between the two of you now, and lovingly fed you the first bite of whatever you wanted, just to dote on you even further. You had told him days ago that you didn’t want to do anything fancy for your birthday—no parties, no big elaborate dinners, no expensive restaurants… Just the two of you enjoying the day out together. You would celebrate with your friends later during the weekend, but you just wanted to spend the actual day with the love of your life. 

So he woke you up that morning with a kiss and a question: how about a picnic tonight? It was lowkey enough that you agreed easily, and he kissed you again before saying he’d be back after running to the grocery store. He needed to make your favorites, after all. His only request for you was to wear something that made you feel pretty, hence the dress you were wearing now with its flouncy skirt and soft fabric. He was just in a button-up and nice pants, his sleeves rolled up to his elbows. Simple, but still nice enough looking. When you asked him about it on the drive here, he’d just reached over, squeezing your hand.

“I can’t outshine you today,” he teased with a playful grin. “It’s your day.”

It just earned a laugh from you as you swatted at his hand, only to take it back within your own a moment later. Some days you could get Mingyu giving you the sweetest praise, worshiping you wholeheartedly and lovingly telling you how beautiful he found you. But most days, you had this Mingyu: a silly man who adored you with his whole heart, but felt teasing you like that. The two of you had been together long enough, after all. You poked fun at him, too, when the mood struck you. All of his friends did, so why wouldn’t you? There was an unspoken line between the two of you: if it bothers you, we’ll talk about it and apologize. And you did, a few times back when the two of you were still navigating the relationship. He made a comment that rubbed you the wrong way, you teased him and accidentally hurt his feelings…. Every incident was met with a patient conversation afterward.

“We’re adults,” he had said to you one day, playing with your fingers idly. He always seemed to be touching you in some way, as though he was tethered to you, unable to go too long without reminding himself of that. “Aren’t we? I used to fight with people when I was younger and didn’t know how to talk things out.” He stopped for a moment, fingers intertwining with your own. “I think you’re good for me like that.” 

You had rolled your eyes. “I think your friends did more for you than I did.” 

“Mm. Maybe.” He ran his other hand through his hair. “But I think I’m more patient because of you.”

And maybe he was. He’d taught you to be bolder, to accept compliments better. Mingyu had been good for you, too. Now you just admired him as he looked out at the setting sun in the distance, golden rays kissing his skin and warming your own. Was this it? You quietly began to pack away empty containers into his bag, leaving the dessert aside as you moved to sit next to him. He looked over, watching the way you slowly reclined back so you could gaze at the sky. He shifted next to you, back pressing fully against the ground as he kept his eyes on you. 

For the longest time, you couldn’t define the way Mingyu looked at you. “With love” had been the most basic way you could, because it truly was the simplest way to boil the look down. The tender look in his eyes was unmistakable, especially when he started to smile softly at you no matter what you were doing. He wore a similar look when he was with his friends and family, though: that gentle sense of nothing but love for the people in his life visible in his eyes. At first, you’d had a little bout of jealousy that he could simply love so much. But with time, it grew to be something else you adored about him. Mingyu was a lover, through and through, and it astounded you how much he cared for people without limit. 

But that didn’t change the fact that you noticed he looked at you in this slightly different way. Then one day, it hit you while the two of you were in a museum. He’d been staring up at a piece, his hand holding yours, as he quietly whispered to you about some facts he’d read online about it. It wasn’t the exact look he gave you, but the way he lit up in intrigue was enough to tell you that that was the missing piece. He looked at you as though you were a puzzle he was still figuring out, every day showing him a new detail. Like you were a masterpiece he wanted to understand, brushstroke by brushstroke. The soft look of love in his eyes always carried this need to know every little thing about you and commit them to memory. Was that why he was always touching you? So that he could remember the exact feel of your skin underneath his own? And was why he studied you so intensely on the nights you shared baths together, always pointing out a different little spot or blemish or scar he hadn’t noticed before? Perhaps it was.

Mingyu reached over to take your hand in his own, loosely playing with your fingers as he watched you. “I love you.”

You turned your face, meeting his gaze. With a smile, you curled your fingers around his hand and drew it to your lips so that you could press a long kiss against the back of it. Yet you saw the way Mingyu’s eyes burned into you. He moved so that he could give you a chaste kiss that almost lingered for a few seconds too long. But with the two of you still in public, Mingyu wouldn’t push. Not when there were families around with their kids and older couples enjoying the warm weather. Instead, he just pressed a second kiss against your temple.

“Happy birthday,” he said for the third time today. “Let’s go home. Okay?”

He took the words out of your mouth, and you just giggled as you gave him a quick peck. It wouldn’t be a complete day if you didn’t tease him at least a little. “After dessert?”

He just chuckled, reaching for the container. With a tiny peck against your nose, he answered you with stars in his eyes, “After dessert.”

taglist: @twancingyunhao @synthetickitsune @wonuziex @porridgesblog @staranghae @weird-bookworm @bangchansbae @laylasbunbunny @bewoyewo

[woncherie]

hello <33 finally posting part 3. i hope you guys like it!! small reminder that im not a native english speaker i hope i didnt do too many mistakes..

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: afab!reader, no pronouns used, bully!scara, bullying, sub!scara, reader makes him a sub lol, nsfw, mentions of alcohol and drugs, finger sucking, spit play, thigh riding, degradation, blackmail, rimming, pegging, pictures are taken, usage of ma'am a few times, he sucks our dick!! light spanking (please tell me if I missed something)

wc: 4.9k

part 1 / part 2 / part 3

lab reports were handed in in time, protocols werent your problem anymore and you got good grades on papers that you didnt even take a look at. things really changed after the party a few months ago.

you didnt get thrown at with food anymore, no one was there to trip you, your property wasnt destroyed anymore. its as if he completely forgot about your existence. at this point you dont even know if he remembers your face anymore, you havent seen your favourite bully in weeks other than on hallways, but even there he was very quick to choose another path to not see your face.

its been a month since the incidence in the library, and nothing else happened between you. how could anything have happened? he doesnt even look at you anymore.

at first you enjoyed your peace. people started talking to you more, you went to more partys and hangouts and met new people, but after two weeks of silence from scaramouche, you started getting a bit tense too.

you didnt expect him to actually leave you alone. you thought he would be putting up more of a fight than just puss out like a small kid, and no matter how hard it was to admit.. you kinda missed him.

at one point you got so annoyed with his behaviour that you even tried to meet him yourself, bumping into him in the hallway to start a conversation, but all he did was apologize half-assed and then go back on his way, not even taking a glimpse of your face or outfit (which he used to love to make fun of).

you were fed up with him. you cannot believe that after everything that happened between the two of you he can just act like nothing happened, going on with his life without even thinking about you. him ignoring you made you even more mad than when he gave you too much attention.

it was hard to admit, but the indigo haired man never left your thoughts. it wasnt like you two actively talked before, but now all you did was wonder. about him, about how his day was, what he did, how he is feeling.

the irritation was written all over your face, and all that albedo could do was watch from the sidelines. you still didnt tell him what happened, at this point you were so far into this shit you dont even know how to explain anything.

"is everything alright?" he said after a few days, laying on his tummy on the floor of your apartment, your organic chemistry book in front of him, but instead of studying he just put his head on it, using it as a pillow.

"what should be wrong?" you mumbled, scrolling through instagram right next to him on your carpet. your head was at his feet and his at yours, taking a look over to him when he spoke up.

you two ordered some take out and waited impatiently on the delivery before going back to studying. exams were getting closer again.

"you seem to be lost in thoughts the past few three weeks. is everything right between scaramouche and you?" he asked while checking the time on his watch.

"yeah, what should be wr- wait what." your heart dropped for a second and you threw your phone away, sitting up straight. "how did you-" you started.

"oh c'mon." he answered and rolled his eyes. "respect my intelligence. it doesnt take a genius to understand that at least something happened between the two of you."

you looked at him with wide eyes, shame and guilt being written all over your face. "how..??"

"just look at you two and how you act around each other. you two are practically undressing each other with your eyes during the lectures."

you hid your face in the palm of your hands, embarrassed at the whole situation. "i am so so sorry. i shouldve told you." you apologized. "i was just.. scared about your reaction?"

"you should be." he returned, sitting up slowly before looking at you. "i have a lot of things to say about that special relationship. but maybe you should explain what happened before." he gave you the opportunity to explain.

you threw yourself at albedo and hugged him tightly. "oh my god, i need to tell you so much that happened. ok so remember ittos party.."

☆

scaramouche was currently laying in bed, another random women naked next to him. he tried everything, he tried everything, to forget you.

your ugly face followed him in his darkest dreams, your annoying character was running around in his head all the time, and he even caught himself daydreaming about the two of you every once in a while. all the time.

but absolutely nothing was helping him. he thought maybe he just needed to get laid again, to have any random chick pleasure him for the night and he would get back to be his old self, that he was just thinking with his dick the past few weeks, but no. even after sleeping with multiple women who werent even good to begin with, he couldnt get you out of his head.

he was frustrated, so fucking annoyed, that he let it out on everyone who is somewhat close to him. his friends were trying to figure out what or who made him so miserable, but he doesnt talk to anyone of them.

instead of approaching you and talking it out he decided it would be the better idea to just party, smoke and drink his feelings away. after a few days he would forget you and what happened. but thats what he told himself for weeks now.

the women next to him came closer, trying to touch his chest, but he just hissed at her. "do me a favour and fuck off." he didnt even know her name. he didnt care enough to ask. he couldnt even describe what she looked like.

"h..huh?" he heard her gasp next to him, feeling a bit betrayed by his behaviour right now. "did i do someth-"

"fuck off i said." he groaned, using his arm to place it over his eyes. he just hoped that she would leave as quickly as she came, letting him pity himself in peace without anyone chewing his ear off or them expecting that he cares about them.

he didnt care about anyone of them, fuck, he doesnt even know their names, the only name in his head was yours. and he was sick of it.

the girl stood up and grabbed her clothes, leaving the room as she put them on again, and scaramouche let out a deep groan when he heard the front door closing. fucking finally.

he turned around in his bed, laying on his stomach and checking his phone. he was hoping that maybe you would text him again, but you didnt.

he took his pillow and threw it over his head, trying to burry himself in his bed, trying to burry these feelings.

what were you doing right now? were you together with your ugly blonde friend again?

just thinking about albedo makes him wanna throw a few punches around the room. he never cared about that nerd anyway, his victim always being you, but right now? he's exploding just thinking that you spend your precious time with albedo than rather messaging him, or talking to him.

what did you even see in him? he's fucking boring, head constantly hiding between a few books. he probably doesnt even have a personality to begin with.

were you sleeping with him?

after all the things you did to scaramouche, he wouldnt be doubting that you maybe also fucked around with your best friend. the thought of it made him jump out of his bed, throwing his pillow against a wall before heading to the shower.

he was so lovesick, he couldnt even admit how jealous he was. fuck, he misses you. he misses you so much that he set his mind to visit you after showering, even though he tried his best to ignore you. he couldnt do that anymore.

☆

you were laying on your bed, your books and tablet scattered around you. you tried to concentrate on your studies, on how you felt before you started to fuck around with scaramouche, but you only sighed frustratedly. albedo was right. this was all a big mistake.

albedo left some hours ago, giving you some space for yourself to think about the whole situation, but you instead chose to study and ignore the aching pain in your chest.

albedo gave you a whole lecture on how stupid you were, on how you're gonna get your feelings hurt and mind destroyed by scaramouche, and you knew he was right, you really did, but you couldnt help but feel the way you feel right now.

your train of thoughts got interrupted as someone started banging against your door furiously, and you stood up in surprise and hurried to the door, not checking who it was before opening it.

in front of you stood your favourite indigo eyed man, hair messy and very obviously annoyed and irritated. he didnt even ask or say anything, just pushed you away to enter your apartment.

you were surprised to see him here, after ignoring you for weeks and getting out of your way on purpose when it always used to be the other way around.

"i fucking hate you!" he shouted in your face, pacing around in your apartment, trying to find any words.

"chill out for a second, handsome, how did you find my address?" you asked him, closing the door behind him after scaramouche entered your comfy 25 m².

he just rolled his eyes and put his hands on his hips. "ask me something more difficult next time." he quoted his old text messages.

"the fuck you want here anyway?" you answered him annoyed but also somewhat adrenalized. this is the first time you talked again after like 2 weeks? 3 weeks? you couldnt even remember yourself.

"you! i fucking hate you." he yelled again, coming closer to you before using his arms to push you around a bit, getting physical with you. you stumbled a few steps back but caught yourself in time before landing on your ass.

"you just show up in my life and turn everything around without even thinking about me!" he cried out, his own hands finding its way in his hands and pulling on his own hair. "the past few weeks i tried everything to forget you, to forget the way you make me feel, but.. i just cant."

you raised your eyebrows in shock, not expecting a confession like this when he first entered your home furiously. "what do you mean?"

"FUCK. i mean that i cant stop thinking about you. i cant stop thinking about how you touch me. you ruined me for everyone else. no one compares to how you make me feel, and i hate you so much for this." he paced around your small room again, his eyes moving around from you to the floor and to you again, arms moving around everywhere.

he was stressed as hell, and he didnt know why he was here, in front of you, digging his own grave, but there he is, embarrassing himself to his bones.

and all you did was stand in front of him, looking at him with wide eyes, mouth opening and closing like a fish, trying to find fitting words. you couldnt explain how you were feeling right now, you just knew that you were incredibly happy and relieved.

"say something." scaramouche nearly begged, being frustrated with the whole situation.

he wanted things to go back to normal, to have you under him, doing anything he says without being told twice, to do all uni work and still humiliate you for funsies.

but thinking about going back to that time also hurt him, thinking about how you wouldnt talk to him more than you needed to is something he didnt want.

you slowly stepped up to him again, definitely getting closer to him and his personal space than anyone else dares to do, and you use your finger to lift his chin up, looking at him mockingly.

"now was that so hard to say?" you looked down in him. his face turned red again, trying to ignore your wandering eyes on his face, looking on the floor, eyelashes already a bit wet from shame and embarrassment.

"look at me when im talking to you." you demanded, squishing his cheeks between your fingers again and he looked up to you, breath stammering and gulping.

"is this what you want?" you raised one eyebrow mockingly, the grin on your face getting bigger and bigger.

scaramouche became frustrated with your behaviour again, too embarrassed to admit that yes, he needed this.

instead of answering, he pushed you back again, but followed you, shoving you on your own bed.

your back was pressed to the mattress and scaramouche sat down in your lap, leaning forwards before he pressed his lips on yours aggressively.

you were surprised at how eager he was, but no way would you let him lead and dominate you. this is your job.

you threw off all the books and your tablet from the bed with your arm in one swift motion, and then grabbing scaramouches waist as you change position, rolling on top of him while he is laying underneath you.

he didnt let go of the kiss, of you, his arms wrapped around your neck while your hands press down on the mattress beside each side of his head.

he let out some soft sighs and pants throughout the kiss, occasionally letting out a gasp or muffled moan.

you took the opportunity of you being on top, pressing your ass on his dick and making him moan more often now.

his hands wandered from your neck into your hair, pulling on them desperately as you suck on his tongue. god damn it, he felt fucking amazing.

you started undressing him slowly, breaking the kiss to remove his shirt, your lips on his right afterwards again before he could even take in a breath.

you didnt care though. you waited so long for him, you want to break him apart now.

you started kissing from his lips down to his jaw and neck, giving him bites and hickies all over that area. "you've been waiting for this for quite some time now, havent you?" you teased him, rocking your hips on his as you gave his collarbone special attention.

"fuck.. fuck yes." he groaned out, trying to grab your hips but you grabbed his hands immediately, pressing them down above his head.

"dont even think about this." you threaten him, and he looks at you with wide eyes. "i will not be touching you if you dont listen to me. understood?" scaramouches eyes widen in surprise, ready to whine out. he cant have you leaving him hanging once again, he needs you more than anyone else right now, so all he did was nod and look into your eyes.

"use your words." you demanded.

"y..yes."

"is that all?" you asked in a harsh tone, making him feel so much smaller than he actually is underneath you. his face got a soft pink blush around his nose and he looked away, everywhere else but in your face right now. "yes.. m..ma'am."

you could feel your pussy clench at the way he looked so embarrassed as he called you this name. you lived for embarrassing him.

"good boy." you answered and you could feel his dick twitch right through the shorts you were wearing.

you started kissing his body again, this time taking your time at his chest as you felt it heaving so cutely for you. "id love to fuck these tits." you grinned, looking up to him and seeing him hide his face inside the crook of his arm. "maybe next time."

his heart stopped beating for a second before it sped up in pace right afterwards. next time?

but before he could ask anything, you stood up from his lap, grabbing his waist once again before turning him around and pulling his pants down in one swift motion.

"H..HUH?" he asked surprised, looking back to you and seeing you eyeing his ass again. just thinking about what happened last time made his dick throb in his underwear, already being stained by precum anyway.

you were very happy with how things were right now, scaramouche underneath you and submissive, letting you use his body to your liking.

"ever got your ass pegged?" you looked up to him with a big grin, visibly ecstatic before pulling his boxers down too and touching his butt.

"n..no why the fuck should-?" but before he could finish his sentence you sinked your sharp teeth into his ass, biting him until there was evidence of your teeth on his butt.

he let out a small scream and let his head fall back into his neck, eyes closed in pleasure and pain. "i fucking hate you." he then said and you only giggled silently.

you stood up from his legs, grabbing into your nightstand to pull out your pretty pink dildo and scaramouches eyes widened in shock and lust, jumping up immediately.

"aint no way this gonna fit.." he mumbles.

"dont worry. ill make it fit." you returned, grabbing his hair and pulling him closer to your face again, pressing your lips on his harshly.

he opened his mouth instantly, welcoming your tongue in his mouth. fuck, he really cant resist your touch.

he leaned into the kiss and let out a small moan when your fingers graced his dick, playing with the tip and using his precum to make him wetter.

you let go off his lips and his dick and he let out a whine. he waited so long for this, dont stop now.

but instead of kissing him again, you leaned a bit back and pressed he colorful dildo on his lips, and he looked at you, slightly confused.

"what are you-?" he started, but you already pushed the tip of the sex toy into his mouth.

"sadly i didnt prepare any lube.. guess your spit has to make it wet now."

seeing scaramouche choke on the dildo made your heart swell in pride and joy, he really looked majestic like that. he grabbed your hand quickly, scared that you might shove it down his throat completely.

his heart was beating faster, scared of messing up. it was the first time of him sucking on a cock, he didnt want to look like a fool, he didnt want to disappoint you.

he tried to relax his throat to take the toy more in, sucking on it and looking at you through his lashes. inch for inch he took more in, putting on a small show for you.

you couldnt help but gasp a bit, pussy wet and aching for him. but you had to hold back, this was about him and his pleasure now.

"see, so you can be a good boy for me without throwing a tantrum. no need to be so bratty all the time.~" you teased him and he tried to look at you angrily, the toy in his mouth ruining it a bit for him.

you were still in your clothes which bothered both you and him, so you let go of the dildo in your hand, but scaramouche held it firmly anyway.

you quickly got rid of your shirt and shorts, sitting in front of him in your underwear while he was completely naked. when scaramouche saw your body in front of him, so close, he let go of the sex toy in his mouth and instead stared at you, biting his lip, trying to hide the faint blush on his face. he thought that you looked stunning.

you took the dildo out of his hand and kissed him again, pressing him onto his back while he leaned into the kiss, hands grabbing into your hair.

while kissing him you grabbed into your nightstand again, this time pulling out a bottle of lube.

scaramouche opened his eyes at the noise and let go of you when he saw the bottle. "wait what?? didnt you say you dont have any?" he bickered around and you laughed silently. "of course i have lube. i just wanted to see you suck on my dick." you teased him once again.

"you fucking bitch." he returned, visibly angry and embarrassed again, hiding half his face with his hand.

"oh c'mon, you looked really stunning. the show you put on made me nearly loose my control." you said as you kissed his jaw and neck downwards to his chest and tummy, getting dangerously close to his dick, which was still standing and throbbing regularly.

"cute. how can you satisfy anyone with this small cute dick?" you bullied him and he turned his face away in shame. "fuck off." was all he said, ready to shove his foot up your face but you only giggled and pressed a kiss on the inside of his tender thigh.

you heard him let out a small whimper, back finally relaxing against your pillows as he closed his eyes. you just smiled against his thigh and pressed down a few more kisses on them before taking the bottle of lube, opening it and using it on your fingers.

you grabbed the insides of scaramouches knees and pressed them up to his hands, signaling him to hold them.

it was embarrassing for him, but he didnt care anymore. he just wanted you on top of him, destroying him completely, so he held his legs and spread them, being completely naked and open for you. "good boy.." you mumbled as your fingers started rubbing on his anus, making him shudder at the cold feeling.

"we need a safeword." you said, looking up to his face and he opened his eyes in frustration. he thought you would finally fuck him properly.

"safeword?"

"yeah.. in case you dont like it anymore." you explained it.

"i know what a safeword is you dumb fuck." he said angrily, and you gave him a slap on his dick, making him moan out in pain and pleasure, arching his back and shoving his butt closer to you.

"dont get too comfy now." you said, and he looked at you apologetically.

"fuck just choose anything! i dont care."

you took his dick into your hand, stroking him a few times and watching him mewl in pleasure.

"coconut?" you asked.

"y..yeah yeah whatever" he said, enjoying the pleasure that you were giving him right now.

you took your lube smeared fingers and slowly inserted one inside of him while watching his face and facial features.

his eyelids fluttered and he bit his lip, grabbing the bedsheets as he tried to get used to the unknown feeling. you didnt move your finger yet, waiting for his consent.

he slowly opened his eyes and gave you a nod, signaling you to move your finger, so you did. you kissed him on the lips again, trying to make him ignore the initial pain in his butt.

he wrapped his arms around your body again, kissing you a bit sloppily as he moans into the kiss, moving back onto your fingers.

after a few minutes you heard him mumble against your lips. "m..more" he said before pressing his lips on yours again. you took the invitation to slowly insert a second finger into him and you felt him flinch and whimper against your lips. you let go off the kiss too look at him, but he pulled you back down again, not wanting to let go of the kiss.

you moved your fingers and he whimpered against your lips, biting down on your underlip. man, you really wanted to ravish him, but you had to hold yourself back a little more, for him.

you started scissoring your fingers and scaramouche started enjoying it a bit more, all kinds of moans and groans leaving his mouth. "f..fuck this feels so.." he started, but got lost in pleasure, losing his train of thought once again.

after a few more seconds you pulled out of him, making him shudder underneath you, opening his eyes slightly to look at you. "just do it now." he started bothering you again and you gave him a slap on his thigh. "shut up."

you grabbed underneath the bed and pulled out your strap on, making his face heat up slightly, but you only smiled at his reaction and put it on.

you’d never ever felt this way around anyone before - you could feel your panties growing more soaked by the second from anticipation. but it really wasnt about you right now, it was about him.

scaramouche really didnt expect to be fucked senseless when he made his way over to your home, and yet, his mouth was dry and his face was hot with embarrassment? fear? neediness? he didnt know. all he knew was that he wanted this feeling gone and your body on top of him.

scaramouche sighed happily when he felt the toy slowly, very slowly gliding into him, head falling back as he winced at the initial pain. you paused for a moment, letting him get used to the feeling.

after a few seconds he nodded again, signaling you to push in deeper. he groaned as you pushed in further, the size of you causing a burning sensation, even despite the lube and preparation earlier.

you pressed light kisses around his forehead, cheeks, jaw, neck, trying to calm him down.

he breathed heavily as you pushed in more, more, more, filling him up deliciously before bottoming out inside of him. scaramouche felt like his whole skin was burning hot, tears pricking in his eyes as he grabbed your arms, pulling you down to him and pressing your body on his as he wrapped his arms around your body.

you pushed your hips back towards his, rolling your hips in a slow pace as his body twitched underneath you.

"fu.. fuck i hate you so much." he reminded you again and you laughed in a low tone, pushing his sweaty hair out of his face. "want me to stop?" you asked and he locked his legs behind your back, taking up your space to move away.

"no!!" he gasped as you continued to pound into him, head thrown back into the pillows as moans, grunts, your name and even a few ma'ams leave his lips continuously. a very visible bulge appearing on his stomach made him gasp out, tears leaving his eyes and smearing all over his face. "dont stop, fuck, please dont stop.." he moaned out loudly.

"i should stop." you continued to tease him. "after all these months of you destroying my life, it really should be fair if i leave you hanging." you grabbed the inside of his knees, pressing them to his chest and putting him into a mating press. "you deserve this."

scaramouches mouth was left open, tongue hanging out and drool leaving his mouth. he was completely gone, trying his hardest to concentrate on what to say. "s..so-sorry. im so sorry fuck im sorry" he slurred out, trying his hardest to not come too quickly.

"is this how your mother taught you to apologize?" you grunted, slapping his thigh and ass hard, making him mewl out.

"fuuck I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have- I shouldn't have put through you all tha-fuckk." he moaned out, looking down to where your and his body connected.

"I will stop I will stop I promise I won't bother you anymore just please..make me cum." hearing him choke on his own words made your chest fill with pride. you finally broke him.

his hands tried to hold anything of you, grabbing your bra that you still wore and opening it, throwing it away, his eyes all over your chest now, watching the way they bounce while you fuck him hard.

he was fucked out and you barely even started, using his body as a mere fleshlight for your toy, teeth gritting as he felt a familiar sensation build up in his stomach as the toy continuously pushed against his prostate, making him see stars through the tears in his eyes.

"cu- cumming. fuck im so closesoclosesoclose" he slurred out, completely drunk on pleasure.

"eyes on me." you demanded, and he looked up from your chest to your eyes. "want you to look at me as you come." you continued, and scaramouches heart skipped a beat. fuck. you really wrapped him around your finger.

you took your hand and grabbed his penis, playing and stroking him a bit to increase the pleasure, sending him off the edge as he came all over his body and your hand. you took a few seconds to fuck him through his orgasm before slowly standing still, only both of your heavy breathings heard in the apartment.

you smeared the cum that was left on your hand on his chest and stomach, painting him full with it as you teased him again, his body still shaking and spasming underneath you.

"fuck, i could do this all day." you said and he bit his lips at the thought of that.

"not gonna take any pictures this time?" he asked and you grabbed the polaroid camera on your nightstand.

"oh you bet i will."

☆☆☆

HELLOO <33 this is gonna be the last part i dont think i have much to add to the story anymore.. i hope you all enjoyed it and thank you so much for hyping me up the past 2 weeks <3 it really meant a lot, you guys made my days and nights.

[helaintoloki]

wait okay but an allison x fem reader taking place pres4 where reader is claire’s babysitter and allison is like so into reader because she’s so good with Claire

maybe allison is always trying to flirt with reader and she just thinks allison is trying to be nice idk im just so incredibly down bad for allison this season she looked sooo good

a/n: i don’t usually write for allison so this was a bit challenging but still fun !

summary: allison has a crush on claire’s nanny

You’re curled up on the couch engrossed in your favorite book when Allison finally comes home from work. You don’t hear her at first which allows her a moment to simply stop and admire the woman she’s developed feelings for over the course of the past few months.

You’ve been a big help in raising Claire and helping her stay sane after becoming estranged from her siblings and dealing with the aftermath of Ray’s departure. Though you’re meant to be a nanny for her daughter, it often seems like you’re helping Allison out more than anything. However, you don’t mind it in the slightest, and there isn’t anything you wouldn’t do for her.

“Hey,” she calls quietly so as to not startle you, her heart skipping a beat when you turn to her with a soft smile. “Is Claire in bed?”

“I tucked her in an hour ago,” you confirm with a small nod. “How’d the commercial shoot go?”

“As good as you’d expect for a laundry detergent gig,” Allison admits with an annoyed sigh before seating herself beside you on the couch. “How did tonight go?”

“We did some finger painting, made dinner, watched a movie, and she didn’t give me any trouble when it was time for bed,” you note with a pleased smile. “There’s leftovers in the kitchen if you want me to heat them up for you before I go.”

“That would be perfect,” the woman utters gratefully. Before you can rise from the couch, she gently takes your hand in her own and gives it a tight squeeze. “Thank you for… well, everything. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Allison hopes you’ll notice the lovesick look in her eyes and the gentle nature in which she grasps your hand, she hopes you’ll pick up on the signals she’s been giving you for weeks and finally make a move on her, but all she is gifted with is a careful squeeze of her hand in return.

“You don’t have to thank me,” you assure her with a playful grin, “it’s what you pay me for.”

You don’t notice the way she deflates at your words, sinking lower into the couch as she mouths the word ‘idiot’ to herself once you’ve turned your back and disappeared into the kitchen. Another pathetic attempt at getting you to notice how much she likes you has failed yet again, and she is left to sit in the silence of her defeat.

Maybe one of these days you’ll finally realize that her words are more than just playful banter or polite conversation.

Maybe one day you’ll realize that Allison really loves you, and she hopes that maybe one day you’ll love her too.

[wonik1ss]

see you again — n.ki

pairing : ni-ki enhypen x f!reader newjeans 6th member

song rec : love you twice - yunjin

want to read pt2? hi again

As the claps and cheers faded as you walked off the stage with your members, you all looked at each other happy as you had ever been right after your first stage after your debut had happened a few days prior.

“ That was faster then I expected “. Hyein said as she giggled jumping around still filled with the adrenaline rush of just debuting.

All the girls nodded and joined into a group hug before someone spoke again.

“ Ok we have 10 minutes before we have to leave so get a drink, use the restroom or socialize but make sure not to cause any scandals we only just debuted a few days ago “. Minji said already fixing herself into her new leader role but still smiling like an idiot.

“ Ok “. The rest of the girls including you said as you went on to explore m countdown.

-

As you wondered around you were greeted with other idols congratulating you and others just bowing and nodding as they had other things to do.

You had just finished talking to your fellow label mate Le sserafims most funniest member member Yunjin . When you turned around to slowly to notice you were headed face first into one of the tallest scariest maknaes the industry has known.

Ni-ki

You were surprised he was here since his last promotions you knew of ended in the end of January. You Immediately bowed profusely, saying sorry over and over again until you heard a loud laugh.

You slightly tilted your head wondering if he was really like one of those idols your members warned you about. Until he started to smile and said.

“ It’s fine I wasn’t looking where I was going either, Wait- your a NewJeans member right “. You rapidly nodded you head before saying.

“ Yes.. We just debuted a few days ago this was our first stage “. Staring at the floor you started to bite your lip hoping this conversation would end soon.

“ Your dancing was really good.. I hope I can collab with you one day “. Ni-ki said as you slowly rouse your head to meet his tall figure.

“ Really!.. I’m not really a dancer.. It took me a long time to get the choreography right.. “. You said as you finally looked Ni-ki in the eyes.

You thought “was he always so attractive” when you used to see him in the halls before Hyein would come racing after you asking for a favor.

“ You did really good Im sure you can only get better from here “. You smiled and decided to repay the complement the your senior had just given to you.

“ I really liked you dancing in Paradox Invasion my members got really annoyed listening everyday since I played it a lot when it came out. “ You said as your started to blush not noticing still staring at the taller idol I front of you.

“ Uh.. thank you.. I think I should get going now “. Ni-ki said as he moved passed you to head back to his members who were waiting for him. He was just about to turn the corner when he came back saying.

“ I can’t wait to see you on stage again Y/n see you later “.

You smiled and hurriedly ran away to find your members, surely that 10 minutes Minji had talked about where way over now. As you hid your face in your hands running hoping Ni-ki hadn’t seen your glowing pink face.

He was wondering if you had seen his, and when he would get to see you again too.

Gosh were his members going to make fun of him after this…

[tomholland1996simp]

I loved your “we gotta go” imagine when the reader pranked Tom. I was wondering if you could do the “starting an argument then flashing my boyfriend prank”. Thank you love your work xxx

Flashing || Tom Holland

Summary: You do the ‘Starting an argument, then flashing my boyfriend’ prank on your lovely and stressed boyfriend, Tom.

I haven’t proof read this, so sorry if there’s mistakes.

You and your boyfriend always had an on going prank war. Even before you started dating, you both pranked each other here and there, making sure t record one another’s reactions. You both started off as being roommates, just you and him. At first you just walked passed each other, not wanting to get to know one another, not even trying to make a small conversation, with a ‘hi’ or ‘how are you?’.

But one day you both just clicked. Then you wouldn’t ever leave each others sides. Where ever Tom was, you was. Well except for when he went off filming, sometimes you went with him, however other times you had to work as well. At first you and Tom were blind, you both denied your love for each other. Until one rainy day, when you missed his company, missed annoying him every morning, you told him.

And that’s what brings you here today. 2 years you have been dating, and you have known him for 5 years. Living with Tom has its perks, you were always with him when he was in Kingston and you always had his dog Tessa.

“Hey guys, I hope your all doing well. I don’t know why, but everyone has been asking for me to do videos of me starting an argument with Tommy then doing something random. A few weeks ago Tom had done a prank on me, however that back fired.” You chuckle, holding the camera in your right hand, looking through the lens. It’s true sometimes the pranks could go so wrong, but then they could go right.

Last time Tom pranked you and it back fired on him, it was really funny. “Today I’m going to be starting an argument with Tom and then flashing him. He’s currently on a meeting call, and today i’ve been acting moody. So he was like “why you being moody today?”

“I have to make sure that i’m not in the frame and that you can see his clear reaction to me flashing him. I don’t know what to argue about, i’ll have to think of something.” You pause the camera, walking into the kitchen to set it up on the counter. You hid it by a plant pot, hoping your super hot boyfriend won’t see it.

You threw some more dirty dishes into the sink, it being the only thing you could think of to make a stupid argument. The camera is rolling now, you place a finger on your lips, signing that Tom was coming.

“Tom are you gonna help me?—You said you do the dishes and you didn’t do them.” You call out, rattling the dishes as you hear his tired foot steps.

“Oh my goshhh! Im so stressed. Can I get a hug? I need love..” He tiredly smiles, Tom loved physical touch when he was stressed, you always calmed him.

Tom walked over to you, extending his arms out for you to fall into. You move away from him turning off the tap, his arms falling with a frown on his face. “No can you just do the dishes”

“Can I get no love?” He chuckles, thinking your messing around. You sigh, giving him a quick hug, patting his back like he was a friend. “There’s your hug, now do the dishes.”

Tom kissed your bare shoulder, “I’ve been in meetings all day, i’ve missed you” holding onto you still as you pull away.

“Okay now do the dishes” Now this makes Tom confused, his eyebrows raising up as he looks into the sink. “There’s three dishes, babe” He tells you placing a hand on your waist, all he wanted to do is get love from his beautiful girlfriend.

“Okay but why do I always have to do your dishes?!” You snap a little, trying to sound annoyed.

“I told you i’m stressed out, and this is how you’re gonna treat me?” He still spoke in a soft tone, gesturing to the dirty dishes in the sink. “I’ll do them”

“Okay then do them”

“I’ve been on a meeting since 7 a.m. How’s I supposed to do them?” Tom chuckles, running his hands through his loose curls. “Well you could’ve woke up earlier to do-“

“Earlier baby girl-“ He laughs, looking at you.

“I’m just frustrated, because last night you literally said don’t worry about them i’ll get them. You lied, you said you would do them” That part was true, you didn’t mind though.

“Most of these are from breakfast, and when would I have time to clean them” He quickly bends down to stroke Tessa’s head, finding her as a way to calm him down.

“No that one is from last night, when you literally had cereal.” You pointed at the bowl, fixing your straps of your tank top.

Tom puts his hands on your shoulders, helping you fix them. Ahh you were so lucky, it’s all the small things he does. “I’ll clean them, baby..” He gently shakes your body, hoping that you will at least be less moody if he jokes around to make you laugh.

“Okay! Don’t touch me” You pull his arms off, looking into his chocolate brown eyes.

“Are you serious?”

“No, i’m just irritated.”

Then he moves to where another dirty pan was left on the stove, picking it up. “Thank you for cooking for me. I said thanks like four times, I said i’ll clean the dishes.” Tom puts the pan into the sink turning on the tap, getting ready to clean the dishes even though he’s tired and stressed.

“Okay but why do I always have to ask you?” You try to raise your voice, continuing the argument even though you felt so bad for your sweet and loving boyfriend.

“I didn’t have any other time to do ‘em babe. I’ve been on meetings” He started to clean the pan, squirting the washing up liquid onto the sponge.

He’s still looking at you, “Well if you had time to eat then you had time to do the dishes, Tommy. And you could’ve done some of the ones last night, babe.”

Then he puts everything down, starting to grow even more stressed by how you was treating him over dishes. “I was eating on my meeting, y/n. Are you serious?” He said, pulling a face when you told him again that he could’ve ‘woken up earlier’.

“You’ve seen me on my like….What are you talking about? You literally know I had zero time to do anything” Tom still didn’t raise his voice, not wanting the argument to get worse. Now was the time that you decided that you had to flash him.

Walking away you say, “It’s just the fact that you don’t care, and you leave your stuff everywhere. I spent twenty minutes cleaning up everything” You made sure you was out of the cameras view.

“I left a bowl out last night, i’m sorry, baby. What else can I say, I didn’t mean to.” He sighed turning the tap back on, fully done with the argument you had started.

“You leave everything everywhere, you leave your keys on the counter, you leave your wallet-“

“Why are you acting physco about it? Like I’m sorry that I leave some things in certain places, maybe it’s because im stressed. Like I understand when your stressed, i’m always here for you, i’m never like this” Tom keeps his eyes on the dishes, focusing on cleaning the pan and placing it on the rack when he’s done, moving onto the next dish.

“But like, it not being clean stresses me out to” Your hands slowly go to the bottom of your tank top, him not noticing yet. The camera couldn’t see you either, all they could see was Tom and then him trying to spray you with a laugh.

“Will you smile? Come give me-“ Tom looks back up ready to finish his sentence, the camera seeing his facial expression change. You lifted your tank top all the way up, not having worn a bra so he could see your boobs bare.

Tom smiles cheekily, “What the fuck?” He laughs, dropping the spoon in his hand, it landing back into the sink. “What you doing?” He smirks a laugh, turning of the tap walking over to you as you pull your top back down.

“Nothing” You innocently say, moving back into the cameras view.

“Why you doing that? Baby!” He whines.

“Are you still mad at me?” You try hold in your laugh, a smile falling from your lips.

“I’m not mad at you, you’re mad at me. So that’s how your gonna fix an argument, your just gonna flash me?” He’s still laughing as he cups your cheeks, pressing both your foreheads together.

“You think boobs can fix everything, because they can” You wrap your arms around his neck as he picks you up a little, laughing.

“Yeah?” You smirk.

“Yes”

“Okay” You peck his lips, his hands going to your waist as he looks at your cleavage from your top.

“why you being mean?”

“I’m not being mean” You told him, pulling away.

“You are, i’m gonna do the dishes” He told you.

“So why ain’t you doing them now?”

Then he gave you a ‘are you serious right now?’ look, “Because you just flashed me your tits babe.” He gave your clothed boobs a squeeze, slapping your ass as you went to walk away saying ‘and, and what about it?’

“You want me to do the dishes-“ You flash him again. “Stop, how am I meant to do them when your doing that. Okay, what do you want. I’m confused” He took a step towards you thinking you wanted to do something.

“No, I want you to do the dishes” You laugh from behind the camera.

“Oh my goshhhhh” He drags the word out. “Babe, i’m stressed and I don’t have a lot of time. So it’s either I do the dishes or we do something better”

“I want you to do the dishes quickly, then we can do something better as soon as your done” You tease him, knowing he will grow frustrated after.

Tom grabbed your waist, pushing your body into his. You could already feel his hard on, he was really turned on by you just flashing him? “But there’s a bigger problem now, baby girl” Tom told you with a smirk, placing a sweet kiss to your lips.

“Well do the dishes” You push yourself into him, hearing him grunt as you walk back behind the camera, flashing him again.

“Y/n, that’s not fair. That’s like me showing you my dick, then saying no do the dishes. Baby, come on. First you was mean, now your killing me here” He picked up the dirty spoon again, you finally having enough of the prank. You felt too bad, you wanted to end this and show your boyfriend some love.

You grab his hands, dropping the spoon from it, and pulling him in for a sweet kiss. His hands go around your waist again, swaying you both side to side. “it’s a prank, love. I’m playing with you, I wanted to start an argument then flash you. The cameras there- I’m sorry. You don’t have to do them, i’ll wash them up later” You peck his lips, seeing him feel relieved that it was all a joke.

“So your really not mad at me?” He questioned.

“No, i’m not”

A smirk played on his lips as an idea popped into his head, “So does that mean I can see your tits again………,in the bedroom?”

[oyasuminto]

i see its lawrence loving hours so im gonna send a few things ^^

• showering with lawrence and how does it go

• just getting high in general with lawrence

• quiet, soft talks with lawrence

•lawrence realising you are jealous when he talks to others how would that go

Let's goooo finally finishing something I started like a year and a half ago baybeeee

showering with lawrence and how does it go

Showering with him can go one of two ways. (a) Extremely awkward. Lawrence is staring right at the wall with a bright red face, so red that you might worry the water's too hot for him, even though you're shivering from how cold the spray is. Any time you try to express concern you're met with a clipped demand to turn around and stop looking at him. (b) Lawrence is in one of his moods and can't keep his hands off of you. His icy, trembling fingers poke and pinch and prod and it hurts! He can picture your body properly dismantled broken down like livestock and drained of blood so perfect so empty. So just stop moving and stay. Still. He knows what's best. He knows how to care for you.

just getting high in general with lawrence

Lawrence forgets that not everyone has as high a tolerance as him, that the bare minimum to make him high and floaty could send someone else into the worst trip of their life. He likes how drowsy you get, how sleepy and dumb and unable to resist. So weak and fragile like a dead dry flower that crumbles at a mere touch he could take your life without a second thought. He could do whatever he wanted to you, and there would be nothing you could do to stop him. You're limp and empty like a corpse.

quiet, soft talks with lawrence

It's rare that you get a full-blown conversation with Lawrence. Most days it's more akin to him talking at you than with you. In fact, some days he seems annoyed at you for even breathing too loudly. Sometimes you get, lucky, though, and you catch him in a good mood (as good as Lawrence's moods can be, at least). He's not the greatest conversation partner, as he'll often just nod and hum at what feels like the right moments without actually offering much. Find the right topic (plants, art, mortality) and you may find yourself in an interesting back and forth. Lawrence can actually be quite philosophical when he wants to be, and though much of what he says makes little sense, you'll always come out of it with an interesting new outlook to consider.

lawrence realising you are jealous when he talks to others how would that go

He hates talking to people. He hates how loud they are. He hates their judgemental stares. He hates their unpredictable behavior. He hates all of it. Lawrence avoids the living like the plague. He feels so much more at home when surrounded by death and decay. So when you cling to his side, perhaps even try shooing off Lawrence's conversation partner, he can't help but feel a wave of relief washing over him. He doesn't even begin to expect that you may have been jealous. Hell, he may not have even noticed that you were trying to end the interaction prematurely. You may have to tell him straight-up that you were jealous. He won't entirely know how to react. He's never really seen himself as worthy of being jealous over. He's not worthy never good enough no-one can see him stop looking at him now. But... it's nice, having something need him so much, none of his other plants can need him the same way you do. His own special calathea.

[darlinguistics]

i went off my adhd meds (strattera) for a few weeks as a lil experiment cuz i havent gone off them since i started them really and its too high stakes to go off them during the school year so i did it now before summer ended. i just started taking them again yesterday because i decided i was done with the lil experiment, so here's the review:

Things I Remembered About Myself/My ADHD After Actually Experiencing Them In Full-Unmedicated-Swing Again After A While (A Few Years)

conversations were fever dreams. i noticed it especially with my sister who im so close with and rarely mask around, i think like at least 1 in 3 thoughts were never finished or were finished like 2 minutes later after i remembered i never finished them. i also would totally ignore parts of things people said because i got caught up on the first thing they said and then they had to repeat themselves. i so often walked away from conversations feeling like i genuinely had no control over what i chose to say. the worst by far though was how when i really Did want to say something, i suddenly felt so inarticulate and nothing i said was actually what i meant. it was so frustrating and i didnt stay off my meds long enough to get super anxious about it but it made me remember how anxious i used to be socially before i was medicated and that was why

i lose things like crazy wow. such a cliche adhd symptom that everyone who treats adhd as a personality quirk references as like silly and chaotic of them but when its a real thing dude, its genuinely such a burden. i would just have 0 recollection of where i put things as recent as like 2 seconds ago. i lost my water bottle at work, my phone for a second, i luckily didnt lose my wallet and keys but i misplaced them so often and had mini heart attacks every time. one time i was in the car with my sister and i was like 'ugh i forgot my phone!! grr adhd!!' and then we were parked and i was waiting for her to do something and i killed time ON MY PHONE and then she came back and i put it down and then just stared at it like... wait where tf did my phone come from

sounds became so much more painful. i always underestimate my own sensory issues and i forgot how much auditory things especially are hard for me. i worked at a summer camp during this too, so i genuinely could not avoid the constant noise for like at least 8 hours straight every single day. it was annoying before i went off the meds but once i was off them it was borderline unbearable

decision overload! another symptom thats so easy to treat as just quirky and silly but wow it is debilitating!! it took all of my effort to make myself actually eat dinner every night because i would think of what to have and even just having to choose between a few things was enough to make my brain just shut off and prefer to just not eat even though i was starving. i got so much worse at grocery shopping which i usually love to do because i couldnt keep straight what my plans for the week for food were anymore. so much food went rotten because i forgot i bought it. honestly i could make a whole separate post about the weird changes my appetite went through

i just got so much more annoyed by myself? ive worked pretty hard to build a better relationship with myself the last couple of years and i actually feel like ive come really far about being nice to myself, but all the little ways that adhd inconvenienced me or messed something up, even when they were all very minor things with no serious impact, still had me with so much less patience for myself and so much more critical. i was actually shocked at how drastically the change happened and every time i caught myself it made me so sad to realize i was so angry with myself, but i also didnt really know how to tone it down. its like my mind was an overworked caregiver or something, like i gave myself compassion burnout. i think this was the nail in the coffin that made me end the little experiment and go back on my meds, because there was just no way to really fix that and give my mind the break it needed to calm down without them and i didnt like how much lower my self esteem was from just a few weeks of it.

we all know overstimulation sucks but so did the understimulation. i like totally forgot how that felt honestly, but it was painful at times. i would finally get some free time during my really busy schedule but all i could really get myself to do was just kinda sit in a quiet room and do literally nothing, maybe play soft music but only if my ears let me after all the noise of the day. i called my family less because i didnt want to hear anyones voice or i knew id get bored and wanna hang up really quick and i knew that would be rude. it was this weird situation where i felt so overstimulated most days for so long that when i finally got a reprieve i was genuinely exhausted energetically and physically and i couldnt actually make myself do much during down time but then that just made me so so understimulated and bored and SAD! i felt so much duller, almost numb, isolated. it was depressing, and then shameful when people would ask me how i spent my time and i had to say i did nothing. it reminded me of coming home from school growing up and being such an anti-social empty husk with 0 energy, back then it was even more troubling because it also made me irritable around my family and made me fall behind on assignments which only stressed me more which only exhausted me more and it was an endless cycle

okay but any good things?? i mean why did i do this?

trust me im very well acquainted with the downfalls of hyperfixating but wow i forgot how good and fulfilling it could feel too!! i started reading?? chat when was the last time i read a book omg. im genuinely so happy about this development it was like i woke up one day and was like hm actually.. im a reader. i read now. im gonna read. i wouldve expected the opposite for going off my meds but i think the unfiltered excitement about the material gave me more motivation which made up for the lack of attention span

coffee mmmmmmm. i luckily avoided like a full addiction to it (again i am very familiar with the potential evils of coffee x adhd trust me) but idk man coffee just started to hit different. while medicated i mostly just drank coffee out of like the comfort and familiarity of it and the flavor, but didnt actually crave it as much for the caffeine aspect of it because it felt unneeded and at worst anxiety inducing, but while unmedicated it became like... exactly what i wanted it to be, idk i cant describe it well lol

okay that summer camp job i mentioned, i worked with some disabled kids there that was like my Job. and i was initially worried about not being 'normal' enough off my meds to help them anymore but im so glad i did it because it made me realize/remember that it actually helped! like of course it did idk why i was nervous about it! it obviously comes with its unique challenges but it was mostly a strength that i felt like i understood some of them more and i was able to be more of like an older role model leading by example of how to exist in this way instead of just an outsider telling them what to do and what not to do without actually trying to understand them. this summer really reignited a lot of my passions about working with disabled children especially neurodivergent children and being unmedicated for a portion of it only fueled that fire more and i just feel so much more connected to the community again and so excited about the career im trying to make for myself :)

i was so shitty at masking lol, even though i still mask when im medicated i felt out of practice when i was unmedicated. but this time around i was more sure in myself so while im not and never will be immune to the shame or insecurity of being perceived unmasked i was also able to appreciate it more than i ever have. i feel like i was better at standing up for myself. i had some challenging social situations and even though i had the brain-to-mouth communication difficulties i mentioned before, it at least felt a lot easier to identify what my wants and needs were and to give them a voice, even if my voice didnt always hit the mark it still felt good to try. i tend to be a bit of a mirror or a doormat sometimes (im also a gemini rising for the astrology ppl :3 lol) because trying to navigate my own mind to find what my opinions are and then decide which are appropriate to share is like too much work so i tend to just be agreeable and small-talk-y, but i think the unmedicated adhd made me care less about all that and just like, say what i felt (or try to at least) and then also stand by what i said too. it was a good reminder that confrontation isnt inherently evil, its good actually to take up space like that sometimes. it was nice, with how much being unmedicated made me lose trust in myself in a lot of ways, i feel like it built self-trust in this aspect.

tl;dr - am i glad i did it? yes. will i do it again soon? probably not, but eventually. do i recommend it? yes..? but only if you feel like it is something that will actually benefit you and if you feel supported enough to navigate whatever challenges come up during it. do i feel differently about my meds? it definitely made me remember what exactly they do for me, and going off them for a bit satisfied the spiteful little part of me that kinda always wants to go off them and just fuck around. i feel less of the weird guilt i sometimes have about medicating now that i remember how it helps and that my unmedicated self is still part of me and i havent like, killed it off lol. do i feel differently about my adhd? i feel a lot more aware of it again in both the parts i appreciate of it and the parts that i struggle with and that was probably the most valuable takeaway from all of this.

[goopyslimeybxstrd]

“welcome to the circus!” sleepy boys inc. &co fanfic — chapter 1

hi! this is my first time writing a fanfic, posting an actual thing on tumblr and also the FIRST chapter of my circus au sbi&co fanfic!

this would normally be posted on ao3 but i’m currently waiting for my invitation.. but im very excited to share it with people and my friend recommended posting it on here since apparently fics do very well on here:)

BETA READ BY CLEETUSPAWS (THANK YOU SO MUCH!)

the rain hit the stone tiles of the street with loud pitter-patters, accompanied by the splash of a red pair of vans and black converse walking through a puddle. toby sighed when rain hit his head through the umbrella, looking up at the inconveniently placed hole. he turned to tommy with a frown, who was blissfully unaware and munching happily on his shitty sausage role from the sketchy bakery a few blocks away. 

“tom, the umbrellas got a hole in it.. and my hairs getting wet.” 

toby sighed, tapping tommy on the shoulder with a small slightly annoyed smile, pointing to the hole once tom had looked over.

tommy looked puzzled, 

“what the fuck man? this umbrella was fine like— two days ago, when that guy gave it to me.. did you bite it or something tubs?” 

he snickered, nudging the other boy with his elbow, a smirk plastered across his face, causing toby to fall backwards a tiny bit. he gasped, folding his arms.

“hey! don’t you be nudging me, also, i’m not a rat, i didn’t bite the umbrella. i don’t think it would be that tasty anyway..” 

he grinned, nudging the blonde back with a laugh. 

tom laughed out loud, finally moving the umbrella around so the hole was behind the both of them, the rain still cruising through but luckily far enough away that it wasn’t bothering the two. the hair of the two swayed in sync in the soft breath of the wind and the rain seemed louder on the top of the run-down umbrella now. or maybe they seemed quieter; it was hard to tell. 

they had been quieter with eachother than normal recently, anyway. tommy had noticed it, assuming tubbo hadn’t so much. if toby noticed anything wrong he would obviously tell him, right? that’s how it’s been going since they were twelve years old— how its been going since they declared they were best friends in that shitty run down orphanage. shivers run down his spine at even the mention of that place. what a nightmare of a shithole, tom felt a pang of guilt for all the kids who were still stuck there, trapped in the foster system. he just hopes they wake up one day and take the chances of escaping. 

tom snapped back into reality after a short moment, rolling his eyes at the fact he had a full train of thought about the life he so desperately wanted to leave behind in the dirt. maybe one day they’ll be able to help out some kids to escape that dump. 

well, obviously not now.

scraping his lunch funds together was difficult enough for him.. let alone having to donate to the homeless shelter camp thing so he and toby can still ‘live’ somewhere. 

“it’s practically paying rent, just masked as a nicer thing.” he explained to toby once, after they’d dropped whatever money they had left at the end of the month into the red bucket gripped by the owner of the land.

toby sighed, looking over to tom who had a wry look in his eyes, turning away quickly. he made an awkward facial expression before speaking:

“is it a mcdonald’s night.. or have we already spent too much money today?” he quizzed, glancing up to tommy and watching his hand as he brought it up to brush it through his hair, the blonde strands falling over his forehead again comfortably.

tommy thought for a moment, suddenly turning up to tubbo with a cheeky smile.

“you know what tubzo? why not man? we deserve it. we’ve been working all week and shit..” he gushed, gripping the umbrella tighter in his hand. toby seemed to catch up on the excitement, grinning back at him.

they walked faster now, turning onto a different street other than the one which would direct them home, chatting along until tommy stopped. turning to a telephone pole and looking at the brightly coloured poster stamped on it.

‘CASTING OPEN’ it read in a big pink font, a black shadow decorating it. under that violation to the eyes, there was extra text. holy shit.

there layed the logo of the ‘syndicate circus’, the swirly writing all too familiar and sported with the three colours for the three members. yellow for acrobur (‘what a stupid fucking name,’ tommy thought, who hates their child that much? he hates to admit acrobur was probably his favourite, though..), a bright green for crowman and a vibrant red for the blood god. jesus christ. 

he poked tubbo on the shoulder, pointing to the poster and aggressively tapping on it.

“toby. are. you. seeing. this? castings for SYNDICATE? TUBZ. THIS WOULD BE INSANE.” he marvelled, grabbing the poor boy by his shoulders and shaking him slightly.

toby scoffed, 

“tom you’re being a bit ambitious.. they wouldn’t let two teenagers - who barely have any talent at all - within fifty feet of the tent, let alone in it.”

tom rolled his eyes, crossing his arms, “you’re so boring, toby!” he ranted, sounding agitated,

”such a pussy. you know that right? you’re a puss.” 

his tone changed to a teasing one, poking at the brunette with a cheeky grin.

tubbo blinked, crossing his arms and raising his eyebrows, waiting for tommy to continue.

tom scoffed, hands moving around in strange gestures as he attempts to explain—-

“okay- look, toby, like.. you’re good at those fuckin trampolines and i’m like really funny!” 

tom stared at tubbo while he thought, his mumbles snapping the other out of his train of thought,

“and like.. i’ve always loved syndicate circus and i just think it’d be REALLY cool..”

toby stared with a blank face, a smile creeping up slowly,

“well- you’re not that funny. but its just.. we might not have enough money to support that, tom.”

tommy massaged his temple, right. money. that’s a good point. oh well!

“who fuckin cares about money?? imagine how much we could make from joining THE syndicate circus!” he exclaimed.

toby lowered his head, thinking again before looking up to tommy about to speak—

“come on, man! pleaase?? please please? pretty please, toby..????” tom begged, trying his hardest to do some kind of puppy-eyes.. and failing.

tubbo sighed. ‘anything to make tommy be quiet,’ he thought, turning to check the date on the poster.

“fine,” he muttered, “but as soon as ANYTHING goes wrong, we’re out of there. got it?”

[saintsir4n]

14

WARNINGS: MENTIONS OF VIOLENCE

1914

"FUCKIN' bellend," Eden stressed, pacing around the park.

Fortunately, only a few families were around, a few noticed and recognised her, even waved at the local nurse, before going back to pushing their kids on the swings.

Pulling out a cigarette, not caring that Thomas wasn't there to light it, she inhaled the tobacco, hoping it would settle her inner torment.

She never imagined that someone could have this much influence on her heart, let alone her mind.

"Why me?" she knew the answer because I let him in. Her amazing choice of men was going to be her fucking downfall. "Why couldn't I go for a church boy?" she questioned herself over and over again. "A small-town gangster, well done Eden." Enzo was right, "Should've just stuck to being alone." and at least I would still have my friend, "Was he even fuckin' worth it?"

With each drag her thoughts grew louder.

Deafening.

It would've been just her luck if she lost her hearing just from thinking about Tommy Shelby.

She loved him, but why?

Why's it so hard to let him go?

Since losing her closest friend she didn't know what to do. It was tough. Writing out her thoughts was worse. Half the time, she tore the pages out and burnt them, not wanting to be reminded of the torment.

"Thomas fuckin' Shelby," she muttered, annoyed by the thought of him, his big blue enticing eyes, his lips made her want to kiss him every time she looked at him and his cheekbones, his fucking cheekbones were just... "Fuck this."

Throwing her cigarette to the ground, she stomped it out and went on her way.

"Bloody men," she kept muttering, "short bloody men, like Thomas Shelby," she almost gagged at his name. "With an ego bigger than his height, a cock larger than his patience — should've binned 'im off a while ago."

She couldn't stop her fist from knocking on his door, she needed to get this out of the way.

"Christ Eden. Weren't expectin' you to come 'round so soon," Arthur remarked after opening the door.

"Where is he?" she didn't waste any time.

"In his room," Polly's head popped out from the kitchen, along with Ada who was eating, "Do give 'im a good tellin' off, he's doin' our heads in."

With that, she made her way up the stairs, disregarding the voices she heard from downstairs.

Eden was a woman on a mission.

A mission to humble Thomas Shelby.

She pushed open his door, not bothering to knock since he didn't deserve her kindness right now.

Tommy immediately sat up, ready to scream at whoever disrupted his quiet time. His gaze softened at the sight of his... well not his... Eden. He hadn't stopped thinking about their last conversation, it was far less destructive, but it still wasn't okay.

But when he noticed the irritated expression it made his joy fade. 

Tommy stood up, "Eden —"

"I've been thinkin' all day, walkin' 'round tryna organise the thoughts in my head," she began pacing in his room, even though there wasn't much space.

That seemed to concern him, "Walkin' alone. Were you alone?"

"Listen to me," she snapped, stopping in her stride.

"But —"

"Listen!"

"Alright," he gulped at her tone.

"You... you were disrespectful and rude to me. Your words cut deep, y'know that? I kept cryin' because of you. I shouldn't. You should know I deserve better. I could 'ave better and you're not special."

Tommy rubbed the back of his neck, "I know —"

"No shut up and listen," his mouth slammed shut, "If I choose to get back with you, it'll be on my terms. You talk to me like shit, it's done. You raise your voice, it's finished. You dare look at another woman, I'll chop your balls off and leave you bleedin' to death and won't think twice about it. You understand?" He started nodding quickly, but she was satisfied, "Say it."

"I understand," he rasped.

"Good. Now if you so much as think that you can dictate who I can speak to, I'll have you admitted, I can do that since my mum's a matron and all."

"I know," he surprisingly struggled to keep her unwavering gaze. Fuck, he was intimated by her... and incredibly turned on.

"Don't go thinkin' I won't end this, because I will. You want me, you love me so act right," She stated, narrowing her eyes when he shifted in his stance.

"I will," he promised.

"You already caused me a friend, a best friend, that you battered and bruised to the point his pretty face was unrecognisable. So I swear to the Lord almighty, if you fuck this up again, I'll have no problem lettin' this," she gestured between them, "go. I'm shocked I'm even 'ere and that I still 'ave feelings for ya after that and you cannot blame me for remindin' you of it every step of the way. And don't pressure me to do anythin' or be nicer to you. You want me, a bitch is what you're gettin' alright?"

"Alright," he nodded, rushing out, "and I'm sorry, I never meant to —"

"Yes I know, ruin a part of my life," she cut him off with a harsh glare that had him averted his gaze, "and you'll know I'll never forgive you for that, nor can I forget, but I'm stomachin' it because for some reason I can't let this be done."

I guess there is a God in Small Heath, his heart hammered at the words she spoke.

"Thank you," he didn't know what else to say, all he wanted to do was reach for her, have her in his arms again.

"Yeah, well I guess we'll see," she said with indifference, stunning him. The whole conversation had stunned him. "And don't ask me to put that necklace on until I'm ready. I'm not givin' into your charms."

Eden swivelled on her feet, not allowing him to respond, let alone reach out for her, which he tried to do. She exited his room, ignoring him trailing behind her and the amused looks on the Shelby's faces and left the house.

Standing on the stairs, Tommy gulped, raking his hands through his hair.

"She has you by the balls Tom," Arthur laughed, glad that he had a girl like Eden to humble him.

"Fuck off, at least she's back with me," Tommy retorted, coming down the stairs, "where's your woman?"

"Leave Arthur alone," Martha came out from the living room with John holding little Katie, "You're on probation."

"Only a matter of time before you fuck up," Ada mumbled with a piece of toast in her mouth.

A scowl grew on his face, "Right, Ada, come 'ere now."

The house quickly erupted into chaos.

▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃

a/n:

eden needed time to gather her thoughts and set tommy straight. she won't forgive him for what happened with enzo and why would she? she's basically tolerating the situation until it hurts less. (something i've done many times unfortunately).

[lesless]

🤖

Re re re quit nicotine. Talked to my partner & was like dude I need you to be done with this so I don’t backslide bc I do fine on my own & then you make a decision which I can’t keep being responsible for bc I “have more willpower” at this point I don’t have any willpower left bc it feels like this hopeless eternal cycle when you keep going back to it & im eternally exposed to it so i do it too. I’m so frustrated by it & it’s fucking up my hormones & messing with my mental health like I’m asking you to be accountable & at first he got butthurt bc he’s not used to adult conversations & that seems to be his knee jerk reaction every time I ask him to be accountable but as of yesterday he seemed to understand so that’s good. Take my tone with a grain of salt I’m dealing with withdrawal in real time & I’m so incredibly irritable & I just have to wait for it to pass.

Like I’m proud of him for working through his knee jerk reactions consistently, he definitely does separate & return to be accountable when he has a Mood. but IN GENERAL I’m SO fucking tired of people who can’t handle a direct conversation but then “hate passive aggression” like you have to be a welcome space for open & honest communication OR people are gonna be cunts to you bc you can’t communicate. & he’s typically very good at having these conversations but there’s a select few topics he just won’t have a direct chat about & it really really frustrates me. One of them is minor & silly but the other is kinda big & they annoy me for different reasons. Like we’re mid 30’s dude get over it? But then I get frustrated that I’m not more patient that everyone’s journey is different & growth is not a consistent metric across the board so people get better at some things before others & blah blah blah whatever.

Why did I do all this work to mature & now I am accountable for all these people who don’t do the work like that was a rude double cross. I know my life is happier for working towards understanding & peace but also now I have to do that for everyone? Lame.

Also I’m sure I’m immature in a lot of ways I don’t personally see that he has to deal with but dude I just want to be bitchy without caveats but here I am understanding the perspective of the other bc I went to therapy 6 years ago & took it to heart. 🙄

I really don’t want to go work on the property this weekend either, not even a little, & he wants me to drive 2 hours to clean ceiling tiles & I understand it would look good to his parents but you know what lately I’ve just felt like I’m on the periphery of everyone’s priorities & feeling really lonely (ALSO probably bc my hormones are fucked up from the start stop start stop) & obviously their kid is their priority not the girl he’s dating & I didn’t get so much as a thank you when I worked my ass off over spring break week until days after I left when I texted them about something unrelated (which they still didn’t do). It’s FINE I’m FINE I’m just super grumpy.

Anyway I bought a bunch of supplements to hopefully assist my body in rebalancing my hormones & I’m really hoping it helps. I’m gonna be Healthy Lauren for this whole month & take my vitamins probiotics walk sleep enough not drink etc to see if I can avoid the mental spiral that came with my last cycle.

& now that I’m calming down at the end of this rant I feel guilty for being so annoyed at my partner bc I love him dearly even though right now I want to both snuggle him & beat him with a spatula. Feeling very complex today.

[transenbyconfessions]

this is my first time submitting something here, i've been reading them for a while though.

i am an afab nonbinary (?? maybe transmasc ??) teen. i bound for about a year, I used gc2b because at that point the quality info wasn't well known. but now, im pretty sure i've injured myself from binding. and i didn't do anything wrong too. that's honestly the most annoying thing out of all of this: i followed all the rules, i was careful, i listened to my body, and still, i got hurt. on-and-off I have had some pain for the past few months (i stopped binding in about december/january) for a while, i thought the pain only happened when i ran (which i don't like and also gives me panic attacks). so for the most part i avoided running and would stop when i could because of pain. anyways, the pain had mostly gone away until a few days ago. i am still pretty confused about why its randomly getting worse, but its definitely injured somehow. this all ends up mattering because of what happened yesterday. so i'm a climber, which at my school has just started to be recognized as a varsity sport. my "coach" got all mad at me yesterday for asking to not run because i was in pain already, and running makes it worse, also i wasn't mentally there and capable to run. i tried explaining and it just made it worse. when you tell him something he doesn't want to hear, he gets really mad and defensive. i normally wouldn't have too much of an issue with this except for this is one of my closest friends dads. and he was so different last year, when my friend was here. anyways, thats just relevant for the story in my brain. i am just so mad that this happened and that people aren't listening to me and believing what i'm saying because it isn't as visible of an injury (like with mental illness too).

TLDR, i know i need to go to the doctor about this, but i have a new doctor who I've never met and and i don't want the first conversation with her to be super vulnerable and shit because i have really bad anxiety. if anyone has any suggestions about how to explain binding injuries to medical professionals, that would be great. obviously there isn't much research about trans healthcare (especially because i'm in the USA). also, if anyone knows anything about other good binder companies that are sensory friendly, i would appreciate suggestions.

thanks for letting me talk about this <3

Submitted March 28, 2023

[latibvles]

the DaisRon Hallmark AU Drabble no one asked for because I went “i think i wanna write one” and @shoshiwrites went “do it.” unproofread because im impulsive and writing mainverse makes me weep at times so here's some serotonin.

yadda yadda modern au with slight ‘Last Christmas’ by Wham! influences. Alternatively : two years ago we kissed on Christmas and then you went back to New York got a boyfriend and wow it’s been two years since we last spent a holiday together isn’t that crazy?? Oh you broke up with him? Yeowch. Anyways we really ought to talk about that kiss. Eventually. Lets put a pin in that. Also Daisy’s a full-fledged Doctor in this. Ron’s still Army though. Good on him for being able to make it home for the holiday season!

She’s in some sort of happy middle-ground between the sharp pantsuit he’d seen her in on day one, and the brightly festive pajamas of day two. Blue jeans instead of black slacks, pointy-toed heels traded for a pair of flats. Hair neatly curled in ringlets and tied away from her face in a white bow, dark red sweater sleeves rolled up to the elbow as she washes dishes, setting them aside on a towel. Her lips are cherry-red. She looks comfortable. It suits her.

Ron grabs a dish towel, and starts to dry them.

She looks to her left, he watches the thin line of white as she flashes him what he knows to be a playful smile.

“You trying to get me in trouble on my third day back?” To that, as he puts away a plate, he rolls his eyes.

“Obviously, how’d you know?”

“You’ve met my mother. She’ll skin me alive if she catches me putting a house guest to work.”

Ron chuckles quietly under his breath, shaking his head. It was a true enough statement. There’s an upheaval of laughter coming from the living room, and Mrs. Clarke’s can be heard clear as day.

“Think you’ll get a pass for tonight,” he shrugs, drying cups and plates quickly and then putting them in their proper places. Daisy turns off the sink and shakes her hands and a couple of droplets splatter on his arm. He doesn’t mind.

“I want you to remember this when I get the paddle as a Christmas present,” Ron makes a noise that’s something between a laugh and a scoff. Daisy smiles a little wider, leaning against the countertop. “You’re laughing now, but seriously! Remember it. And I want an apology present too.” Ron nods, rolling his eyes at her request as he moves to lean against the opposing counter.

“Would the gift I already got you count as the apology gift?” He watches as the smile cracks for a moment, her brow raising at his response. For a moment, they stand in a silence only interrupted by the conversations happening just a room away. Her arms unfold from across her chest, resting atop the counter.

“You got me a gift?” He nods simply, taking his lower lip between his teeth for a moment. “How did you…”

“James let it slip when you told him you’d be coming home this year,” He watches as Daisy scoffs, rolling her eyes — likely slightly annoyed at her brother for spoiling the surprise. “He didn’t tell your mom though so… surprise not completely ruined.” She looks him over for a moment, cherry-red lips pressing into a line for a moment before nodding with a brief click of her tongue.

“You make a good point,” she lets out a breathy sort of laugh, looking down at her shoes for a moment. Her shoulders rise and fall as she takes a deep breath, then looks up at him again. “Yeah, it can count for both. I feel a little bad though, I didn’t…” Ron waves a hand dismissively.

“You didn’t know I’d be here.” He can tell by the way her brows furrow, that she isn’t satisfied with that answer. Her gaze flits back to his shoes. Ron can see the gears turning in her head. “Daisy, really, it’s fine—”

“Just let me make it up to you.”

“There’s nothing to make up for.”

“Isn’t there?” She looks up at him now, moving herself from the spot on the opposite side of the kitchen, taking a few steps towards him. Ron doesn’t say anything. If he does, she’ll probably just fight him on it anyway. He might not be the most festive person, but arguing with her in the kitchen during her mother’s holiday party isn’t really how he wants to spend his Saturday evening. He watches as her eyes soften for a moment, when he doesn’t reply. “We’ll have lunch tomorrow, okay? My treat.” Ron sighs, looking her up and down.

“You’re really not gonna let this go, are you?” He isn’t even sure if they’re still talking about the gift.

“If you let me do this, I might.” He’s not mad about the idea — because he missed her, and they haven’t been able to actually talk in three days (and two years, but who’s counting?). And maybe it’s needed, but the prideful, more vindictive part of him would rather not. He elects to ignore it. Whether it's for the sake of the holiday season or an indication of some kind of growth during their separation he isn’t exactly sure of.

“Alright,” he settles on, heart doing a minor flip when she smiles in some sort of contentment. “But I pick the place.”

“Figured that was a given,” Daisy hums out, stepping away from him. She looks to the doorway, then back to him. “I should… we should…”

“And what if I was content to hide out in here for the rest of the night?” Ron poses. She rolls her eyes at that, laughing quietly as they lapse back into some type of back-and-forth.

“Then I’d chase you out with a broom in the morning, like a rat.” He raises a brow at that, another question on the tip of his tongue that’s certain to garner another eye roll.

“Would it at least be the good broom?”

“Ron.” She places her hands on her hips, and Ron shoots her something of a teasing smirk that dissipates as quickly as it arrives. Content with that reply, he pushes himself off the opposing counter, following her out into the living room to join their respective families.

[superaznchick]

life update #13

it's 12:14am im actually genuinely Very Tired right now but my body is still just shaking from all of the frustration that i have had to hold onto today so im gonna dump until i pass out

I'm shaking because. I just finished having an offsite with my team for the last few days and it is mindblowing how numbingly painful our meetings are. We met Tuesday through Thursday, had 1 team-bonding event for like 2 hours, and the rest of the days were just back to back meetings about basically nothing.

By "nothing" it's like, very vague roadmap discussions, which fine okay I'll bite. Maybe 2ish hours of this, okay fine I'll do it. But

UGH it's so fucking hard to put into words but I really think I need to start learning how to articulate better so I'm gonna try REALLY hard to explain this and explain exactly why I'm frustrated

I have 5 people on my team including me, so 2 guy engineers and 3 girl engineers. And you guessed it, the conversation is usually dominated by the 2 guy engineers. There's 1 girl that also dominates the conversation a bit. I'm frustrated because these are engineers that LOVE to talk, that love to hear themselves talk, that revel in discussing big complex vague ideas, that love getting more words in and sucking more air out. It almost feels as though the more words they spew, the more they feel like they are winning, they are influencing, they are saying something of substance, something important, something so consequential that everyone else in the room just needs and has to listen to everything coming out of their mouth and I am SICK. SICK OF IT.

They are saying NOTHING of substance. You know how I can tell? Because 1 of the engineers literally joined what, like 5 months ago? And he hasn't worked on any major project, and yet he is the one talking the most about "ideally" this and this should work like this, how he has "so many ideas and thoughts" about how things are gonna go and should work out.

The other guy engineer is old and just has a rambling way of talking, one thought or idea that should take 2 sentences he makes it into a whole song and dance. He says the most basic shit but because it takes him fucking 5 minutes to say it, trying to decipher what the fuck he's saying takes so much fucking brain power I can't stand it.

The girl is fine. She's responsive, not pushy. She gives her opinion when prompted and doesn't over extend herself, but some of the stuff she says I can just fucking tell she's trying to imitate the way the guys in the room are talking. Half the time it's still not that important the stuff she's saying

Why am I so frustrated at this? Because these people don't understand the power of shutting the fuck up and listening and absorbing. If you don't know shit about the codebase, you need to shut the fuck up and listen to people that do. If you have a simple thought to say, you need to shut the fuck up and THINK, really USE YOUR BRAIN and CONDENSE that shit!!!! It takes a ton of effort to pick the right words and orchestrate the right things to say, you can't just vomit words at us and waste our fucking time.

But listen. I GET IT. I understand that people, especially engineers, are like this and that's just the way it is. Believe it or not, even though I just spent a bunch of time wailing on them I actually don't blame them!! Like YES, I get it, that's fine, it annoys me but what am I gonna do right.

So the real kicker here, and second layer to my frustration, is this: what the fuck is my manager doing?

For some context, my manager is one of those people that really wants his subordinates to like him. He has no vision, no plan for the team, no thought of how things *should* be. He is not a strong leader. He is concerned with knowing things about the team, knowing how things work, and trying really hard for all of us to like him. He is introverted, he is relateable, he is nice, but he is not a good manager. This is so fucking frustrating because he really should NOT be letting a bunch of engineers pow around and going around asking everyone "oh, what do YOU think we should have on the roadmap? what do YOU think we should prioritize?" bro. This is literally your job. Your job is to put us on the map and get us on the most exciting projects and set us up for success. It is your fucking job to have a vision for the team and edit us the way that we need to be to succeed. It is your job to set expectations and correct us when we do not meet them. I should NOT have to sit in a stuffy room for 9 hours with a bunch of engineers yapping about literally NOTHING IMPORTANT and wasting my fucking time.

I'm not done yet. My THIRD layer of frustration: and UGGGHHH I really think this is what sent me over the edge today I'm literally shaking even more as I write this but. Today, Thursday, the last day of the offsite, I asked to go home early. We were supposed to have a half day of *more* meetings today from 9:30am to 1pm to do even more talking about nothing and everything, but I wanted to go home early BECAUSE I WAS TRYING TO MAKE MY MANAGER LOOK GOOD. I'm representing our team as part of a big high-visibility cross-functional engineer effort to do work and I committed to being code complete by Friday. Of course he didn't know about this commitment because he doesn't go to these separate standups and I guess I could have told him so my bad, but I was under the impression that I could handle it. After Wednesday, which was an ENTIRE day of dealing with these people, listening to them talk about nothing and jostle for control over the conversation and talking over each other and debating on pure theoreticals and literally nothing concrete, I was at my wits' end. I couldn't get any fucking work done and I was only halfway done and I really wanted to pull through for Friday. But this morning I asked to go home early and he told me that "it'd be really nice if you could come to these conversations!" and I was like "okay fine but that means I'll have to push back delivery to monday for my code" and he was like "oh I don't remember that we had committed anything but monday should be okay right?"

And now my fourth layer of frustration: He. doesn't. fucking. get it. NOBODY on my team fucking gets it. Nobody GETS. IT. "Gets it" as in like, just understands what it takes, what it's like, what needs to happen for us to achieve excellence. We need VISION. We need guidance, we need priority, we need a fucking leader to just stand up and just DO IT!!!! We don't have the fucking time to sit around, talking and talking and talking about nothing. How can they not see what a big fucking waste of time this is??? How can they not hear themselves when they're talking and they sound like literal idiots. "hurr durr let's try and do this and that with this team, we should grab someone and have them do a code walkthrough" BRO we were literally trying to "anticipate" our future plans with merging with a different team but we know nothing about what their code looks like, WHATS THE POINT of doing all this talking when WE. DONT. KNOW??? Why not make a solid plan, like just send someone from our team over to their team and work on their stuff, explore their codebase, get a solid understanding, and then bring that knowledge back? Or it doesn't have to be like that, but do ANYTHING, ANYTHING at all instead of sitting around, talking for hours, when we DON'T FUCKING KNOW???? How do they not see this?? How does this not drive them crazy?

Maybe now a fifth layer of frustration: I'm just fucking tired. I'm done. I'm so exhausted. I'm exhausted from being surrounded by people like this all the time. These people on my team, they talk so much, they have no vision, they are not self aware, and perhaps worst of all, they are all sensitive to criticism and are not open minded to learn and listen. In fact, most of them don't even see the value of listening. All they want to do is talk and dominate the conversation, as if that will give them some sort of higher influence, like rubbing elbows with success when success isn't even in the room. I feel like I'm the only seeing-eye person in a room full of blind idiots. It's tiring, I feel like I'm insane. The only way I'm staying sane is by being deliberately delusional, by believing that it's not me, it's them.

And you know what? I'm no genius. I'm not that smart. I'm no exceptional leader or holder of power. I believe I have substance and I am deserving of respect, but I do not believe that I am so above anyone else. I don't think I'm all that. But today, this week, made me feel like I was in the bottom of some sort of crucible. I feel evaporated, like the life has just been sucked out of me and all I am now is just a trembling pile of ash. I feel like crying. I feel like screaming.

I harbor no ill will, no hatred, no violence against these people. Because again: I get it. But GOD. DAMN. I'm just blown away. I can't believe that these people can sit there, go through the same experience I did, and not see anything wrong. I'm scared shitless. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this because the social blowback would be insane. Like what, I'm just supposed to tell my manager that he's useless? That he needs to get his shit together?

I've given people constructive feedback before and the social consequences are so fucking real. There's no way I can say anything and not get punished IMMEDIATELY. I'm just so tired. I just want to say the truth. I just want them to see what I see. But now I have to be a loser and just sit in this soiled diaper and not say anything. I fucking hate it. I fucking hate having to deal with people like this - not just my team, but nearly everyone I know. Almost nobody I know around me in my direct line of vision is a "safe" person. I have to tip toe and eggshell and whisper and kiss and be sweet. I have to be so nice all the time. I'm sick of it.

When is it gonna be some else's turn to edit themselves for me?

Fucking hell man. I'm still just trying to digest the fact that my fucking manager forced me to push back a timeline because he genuinely thought that having long meetings about nothing was more important than company optics. It makes me nervous. What the hell else is going on in his brain? If he can pull something like this, I feel like I can't trust him with the direction of the team in his hands. All I wanna do is zone the fuck out and collect my paycheck with the trust that everything we do will mount to something. I can't have any peace like this.

I have to sleep now but I'm still fuming. may or may not come back to this topic later. hope i can actually sleep in peace. good night.

[inpursuitofmeaning]

September 9, 2024

Hello there, void! Oh, how I’ve missed your non-judgmental mirror. It's been a fucky wucky few weeks. Got a prophecy stone and it's rocked my world to say the least. Called a suicide hotline, went to Co-Dependents Anonymous, layed on the floor in a dark room pondering the existential concept of one’s self, got a new tarot deck, drank my bodyweight in tea, got drunk with a friend (never wanted the night to end), got a therapist, saw some friends (incredible friends) in toronto, and am currently dealing with the grief of letting go of some things that are well overdue to be let go of. More on that after the break... It’s the darkest before the dawn, right?

I’ve recently come to realize that there are a few relationships which I must, in the nicest way possible, leave. Call it a premonition, a download, a knowing, or whatever you want. But quite simply, it’s logic, I’m afraid. That the people who made me feel like shit - like I’m annoying, un-attractive, like i like them more than they like me—literally anything short of the grounded, funny, knowledgeable, wise person I want to be—must shove off. Seriously, people don't give a shit nowadays and it shows. I must be more critical of the people I let into my life. Are you kind, do you add to my life, do you make me feel at peace?

Amusingly enough, the moment I made the decision to distance myself from them (two people in particular, and another who distanced themselves), to no longer sought their validation, my self-concept improved, and blessings started flooding in. Immediately. The universe was just waiting for me to clean house. Almost as soon as I did, the universe was like, “Oh, you get it now. Here are some rewards. Keep going this way! Here's a treat you silly little ant”. Out of nowhere, people started approaching me in public, I got invited to hang out, I felt like conversation flowed naturally, and for the first time in forever, I felt grounded in the version of myself that I've been working toward.

But, of course, the universe doesn’t just hand you wins without throwing in a challenge or two. Classic. Biblical. So, I get tested. And lo and behold, old habbits die hard, and despite resisting the urge to seek validation from a friend by oversharing an exciting piece of news (that I had been invited on a walk by her brother's friend), I ended up telling her a few hours after seeing her in person. Damnit. That wasn’t very black-cat-sigma-male-thomas-shelby of me. I was really excited to have something going on that I didn’t immediately share. The irony? He’s one of the ones who reached out right after I leveled up my self-concept. Classic. Biblical. So, I want to have things going on in my life that others don’t know about. The self-respect to not tell people everything. So naturally im now hating myself and worrying that i ruined things. But this is ALSO part of the test. tricky one, universe. youre good.

This slip-up happened about 30 minutes ago. I felt like I was falling back into the same old cycle—the one that messes with my self-concept. Seeking validation, wanting her to be impressed, ask me questions, make me feel flattered and interesting. But I see it now for what it is: a test from the universe. It’s all part of the lesson. This challenge is here to show me where I still have work to do, where I need to tighten up so I can be unshakable in the face of things that actually matter.

But here’s the progress—I didn’t tell her right away. I left it a few days before I caved. I paused and realized I still have time to get back on track before I meet with him. This is an opportunity to be the person that I want to be. This is a chance from the universe to be a grounded self. The 3D is a reflection of the inside. As above, so below, and it’s not in real-time. Everything is a manifestation of the past self. So I can return to the current self. Be grounded in who I am. I've got options. It’s not the end of the world. The Emily that I want to be would recognize this and move forward. Recognize the blip and not do it again. It’s a lesson. Karmic. The pattern, revealing the unhealed. Growth is happening! It's okay to have shaken my self concept a little. its only been a day honey. it might take a few to change 24 years of a belief system.

Did her reaction make me feel like shit? Yes. Did I let myself down? Also yes. Does that mean it shakes the Emily of the now? No. I learn from it. Move forward. It’s an opportunity to be the person I want to be in the face of a challenge. Acknowledge what I didn’t like, and move on.

Now is a change to prove to myself who I am. And asure myself in what I know. That the resitsnce is re-direction.