#this is different than willfully refusing to just not learn anything about the world and even then... i don't know if it's right...

[uncanny-tranny]

A vital part of political knowledge (and knowledge in general) is knowing when to say, "I'm not educated enough to make a statement about this topic."

It's okay if you don't know every little detail of every single issue at hand. But it won't help if you refuse to acknowledge where you lack information, where your blindspots are, and what you just don't understand. It's okay to not have an answer.

[phynali]

Dean’s Body as a Punching Bag

Ever since I made this post about Sam and (his lack of) bodily autonomy (as well as the follow-up post that carries the theme through the other 10 seasons), I’ve been trying to determine what the corollary for Dean is. Re-watching 5x01 made it jump out at me in a huge way:

The bodies of the people that Dean loves are consistently used in a way that hurts/harms Dean and metes out violence against him. And it is specifically his loved ones’ bodies themselves, not shapeshifters or lookalikes or Leviathan either. It is the people he loves’ hands and fists and weapons.

(I need a snappier way to word that, but bear with me).

Where Sam’s bodily autonomy violations occur before he’s born, and are seen as early as the pilot with Azazel in his room and with the Woman in White, Dean’s analogous theme doesn’t sneak in until the mid-season finale with Asylum.

In this episode, Sam gets infected with a sort of ghost-possession/ghost-sickness (another example of a violation of his bodily autonomy) and his internal anger becomes external, focused on Dean. Sam attacks Dean violently, and Dean goes so far as to hand over a (thankfully unloaded) gun and in this altered state, Sam actually tries to shoot him. 

Ouch. The person Dean loves and most wants to protect had his body violated and used against Dean. This theme is going to carry us through the next, eh, 10 or so seasons, with some tail-end examples even after that. 

In Season 1 we have Asylum mid-season, and we have the finale in which John is possessed by Azazel and hurts Dean most grievously, almost kills him. In Season 2, Sam is possessed by Meg and shoots Dean (in the arm). In Season 3, we had a writers’ strike and a season cut short so I can’t think of any examples there (but lots of other shit to unpack for another day).

The in Season 4, we have Sex and Violence, which is super interesting. While Dean is the one targeted by the siren and therefore the one whose body is used against his brother to hurt him, the actual violence doesn’t start until Sam is also infected. Sam’s body is violated by being held at knifepoint by his brother and his mouth forced open to accept the siren’s venom, but then it’s a fist-fight, a showdown. Both brothers’ bodies being used to hurt the other, but getting to that point required Sam’s body to similarly be ready to be used against Dean.

Season 5 is literally bookended by instances of this happening. First, true to the idea that Dean sees Bobby as family, Bobby becomes possessed by a demon and he violently attacks Dean. And then Swan Song, most famous example by a huge margin, Sam is possessed by Lucifer and is fist-fighting Dean, destroying his face and killing him with his fists, and it is his overwhelming love for Dean that allows him to overcome this possession and save the world.

The theme is carried forward for a few more seasons, pretty much until that narrative turning point in Season 10 that I mentioned in my post about Sam. In Season 6, soulless!Sam allows Dean to be hurt by a monster, harming him by proxy. In season 7, Sam is hallucinating and almost shoots Dean. In season 8, Cass is programmed by Naomi to kill Dean, and in the episode Goodbye Stranger beats him to a pulp before overcoming this programming. In season 9, when Gadreel reveals himself and takes over Sam’s body and kills Kevin, he also attacks Dean. 

Skipping Season 10 for a hot sec (more on that below), Lucifer also later possesses Cass in Season 11 and harms both Sam and Dean. In Season 12, we get brainwashed Mary attacking her sons (and overcoming possession thanks to Dean). And possibly examples from S13-15 that I’m missing (Garth being affected by Michael? Cass being affected by Rowena’s spell? Both Sam and Dean were affected by the Witch from Wizard of Oz, right? I honestly can’t recall the late seasons near so well). But regardless we see the theme play out in the final 5 seasons, just less and a bit different than it had prior. 

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Now, let’s unpack the S10 shift a bit, and why it changes things for this theme of Dean’s.

In S9, Dean takes on the Mark of Cain under the weight of guilt and self-loathing from having violated Sam’s bodily autonomy by tricking him into being possessed by an angel (and forcibly having him possessed by a demon to then fix that angelic possession). In this instance, Dean is willfully taking on something that alters his own body, and the narrative between he and Sam is flipped. Now Dean is the one with something ‘evil’ marring his body and impacting it outside his control, and now Sam is the one who is ignoring Dean’s protests and autonomy in order to save him from this thing, consequences be damned.

That 2.5 season role-reversal arc was huge for how it changed Sam’s storyline for the final 5 seasons, and similarly huge for how it impacts Dean’s.

Dean is now the one whose body is being used as a weapon against those he loves most, and he is the one suffering that loss of autonomy and control over himself. He is sick with bloodlust, is turned into a demon, is drawn to the First Blade, and is not in full control of himself. When the Darkness is unleashed and Dean suffers the emotional consequences of feeling tied to and drawn to this monster (woman? celestial being? godlike person?) against his will. 

The Mark/Darkness narrative shows us that Dean’s body might belong to him, but it too can be corrupted against his will. Dean learns that he won’t always be able to choose, learns what it means not to have control over his own body. That while he puts his family as his duty above all else, while he would sacrifice literally everything (his body, his soul, the entire universe) for his little brother, the opposite might also be true, even if Dean doesn’t want it to be. 

(And I said elsewhere that I fundamentally believe this narrative role-reversal was a consequence of him overstepping his ownership over Sam by tricking him into taking Gadreel. Their positions are swapped because they have to be, because narratively it becomes necessary for Dean to know what this loss of autonomy feels like, and for Sam to override his brother’s choices, or else they may never find a sense of equilibrium again).

By the time this Mark/Darkness narrative wraps up, Dean is fundamentally, irrevocably changed. Where in Season 5 it was completely unthinkable that he would agree to be a vessel for Michael, it is in the finale of Season 13, just two seasons after the Darkness storyline wraps up, that we see him take Michael into himself as a snap, in-the-moment decision. What was previously unthinkable is now canon. 

Because Dean is now different. Because his core of protecting Sam is the same, but his theme of how others' bodies are used against him has now upended itself, and he now has had his body used against others.

In my post about Sam, I said that in the end for the final seasons, the narrative has shifted from Dean owning Sam’s body to Sam also owning his own, and them acknowledging that they are in this together as a result of Season 10. I believe that happens with Dean as well, owing to this reversal. Sam has now taken some ownership over Dean’s body by getting rid of the Mark, and Dean has relinquished some of his tight-fisted control over himself. 

So Sam is sharing ownership over his body with Dean (in the vein of “I can’t pretend you won’t do whatever you can to keep me alive, even if I don’t want it, but we’re in this together” and “if we die we do that together too”), and Dean is also sharing ownership over his body with Sam (in the vein of “I’m no longer convinced you’re going to abandon me, so the things that I will do to keep you by my side will be met equal between us” and “when it comes to keeping you safe, it’s my autonomy I will give up first, not yours”). 

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But what does this particular form of bodily-violence-from-family say about Dean from a thematic standpoint?

In my post about Sam, I talked about how the themes of possession (ghost and demon) and demon blood are inherently about bodily autonomy and free will. 

For Dean, thinking through this theme of his loved ones being used to hurt him, I’m torn trying to find the way to word it, but I feel that it has to do with his themes of self-effacement as love, as protection and duty. It’s about being willing to suffer anything (even to the point of death) to protect his family, the ones he loves most. Family is the end-all-be-all to Dean, and protecting his family (most especially his little brother) is the core and heart of his character. It is a duty and a responsibility and a calling and a purpose. 

To remix a quote from the film Legend, Dean’s devotion to his brother (and to a lesser extent, to everyone else he calls family) is how he measures himself. There’s no single word for it, as it’s a mix of protection as love, as an instinct, but also as a fundamental duty, an identity. His internal compass.

So Dean’s narrative invokes free will in a very different way than Sam’s. Dean always had and has free will. He had the will to sell his soul, the will to refuse Michael. He has autonomy over his body and he has choice, so much so that he makes choices over and over for Sam. Instead, Dean’s struggles with autonomy of self as related to his constant effacement (to the point of complete ego-destruction and physical loss of self) for the people he loves. He will die, sell his soul, let himself be beat to a pulp, and anything more that the situation calls for, so long as it means protecting or not harming his loved ones.

The original Swan Song end is a tragedy of Shakespearean proportions, in the style of Greek tragedy. Sam’s struggle for autonomy, and the moment he claims that autonomy for himself, he falls into the Pit for eternity. Dean’s original intended Swan Song ending is analogous: a struggle to exist as more than his duty to his family, and right after he accepts that Sam is allowed to choose Lucifer and death for himself while Dean may continue on living, he then chooses to fall into the Pit after his brother so they could be together (in Hell, in the Cage) eternally.

Both of them have these absolute tragic flaws and in the first Kripke-era arc, tragic sacrificial ends. Sam’s relating to will and autonomy, Dean’s relating to love, family and protection/duty. Both of them belonging to themselves and to each other.

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A few extra things about this theme worth noting:

1. the people who love Dean are always in an altered state when they harm him, whether it be possession, brain-washing, siren venom, soulless, etc etc, which I think goes to show in some ways how this love as a given to people who will never deliberately harm him.

2. in a huge proportion of these instances, Dean is saved by the person who loves him reclaiming themselves over and above their altered state. John overcomes Azazel’s possession (arguably, I would say, deliberately from Azazel, but let’s not quibble). Bobby stabs himself in the stomach to save Dean. Cass overcomes Naomi’s brainwashing. Sam overcomes the literal Devil possessing him. Mary overcomes some brainwashing (I think?). Etc. So Dean's love as sacrifice is rewarded?

3. Sam’s body is the most frequently used to harm Dean.

[thejustmaiden]

Fiction and Real Life Go Hand In Hand

This blog goes out to all those pro-Sessrin fans out there who refuse to acknowledge the very real effects fiction can have on our world and vice versa. I highly encourage other Inuyasha fans who defend/enable these shippers to read this, as well. I assure you, by no means are my intentions here to stir up trouble. Honestly, I just want some good healthy discourse for once if that’s not too much to ask. If you do decide to engage, please be mindful of that and treat others with respect and I will do the same in return. All in all, the goal of this blog is to exercise my right to speak out and be critical about content I believe to have very potentially detrimental repercussions. I ask that you not attack me or insult me simply for stating an opinion. Thank you! 

It’s like the title says, meaning fiction does matter. Where do you think we get ideas for all the stories we tell? Where do we draw inspiration from in the first place?

Real life, that's where! And yes, always with a touch of imagination! Long story short: fiction matters because real life does.

Allow me to elaborate.

Shippers of the Sesshomaru x Rin (Sessrin) pairing say it's not fair of us to throw around serious accusations or use certain deragatory terms that suggest such awful acts like child grooming or pedophilia because of the harmful implications. One of their reasonings being that some people IRL have actually lived through these traumas, so we shouldn't dare to assume they're comparable since one is just fiction and the other is not. But this isn’t about which is worse than the other, because they’re both super problematic. All we’re literally doing is making a link between grooming in real life and grooming in fiction. They mirror each other. Same issue; different mediums. We’re not undermining any one’s past experiences with grooming or the like, nor are we prioritizing fiction to diminish real life abuse. They’re both awful in numerous ways and that’s all we’re trying to say. In fact, if anything we’re attempting to demonstrate just how crucial this correlation is between them. In order to protect past victims and prevent future ones, we must remain vigiliant of the content we consume, and yes, sometimes that means we have to challenge it too. Just because it’s widely-viewed does not make it widely-accepted or well-received. It is paramount that we educate ourselves on how to be more critical of some of the harmful tropes and images that are still way too prevalent in mainstream media. Sexualizing young and pre-pubescent girls is way more normalized than some of us even realize. It’s sad but true that Sessrin is just one of many examples. I know it feels like society has failed us in a lot of ways, but it’s never too late to re-evaluate and re-learn better and more improved ways of viewing and processing information presented to us.

Our mission: Let’s not show our kids that grooming or any other form of abuse are acceptable if they may ever come to experience or encounter it themselves. Be it the real world or on screen. Deal? 

There have been a number of occasions where real life victims do speak up against the Sessrin ship and express how extremely uncomfortable it makes them feel by what it represents. The problem is that it’s becoming more evident now that many of their fans will dismiss anything purely on the basis that we pose a threat to their ship and nothing more. What it comes down to is they have no real leg to stand on and cannot possibly top any of what we have to say so instead they simply disregard it. Our inconvenient truths don't fit into their ideal *cough* OOC *cough* narrative so they just choose to be willfully ignorant. It conflicts with their fantasy, so rather than present a sound argument of their own, they flat-out reject it and offer no plausible back-up behind their reasoning besides "I don't interpret it that way." GUYS, CHILD GROOMING IS NOT UP FOR INTERPRETATION.

Just because you so desperately want your ship to come true does not mean you can up and decide to redefine a word so that it caters to your stance. Remind yourself that these are complex AND objective terms that we have no right to fiddle with to serve our own selfish purposes. This is why we can conclude that there's no debate about Sesshomaru's actions towards Rin embodying child grooming.

I apologize if any of my words are triggering by the way, so please feel free to take a break and return later if that’s more suitable for you. it's just really important that everyone in this fandom comprehends the extent in which Sessrin going canon is catastrophic. And no, I'm not exaggerating; I'm simply speaking the truth. Shippers justifying these horrible acts- yes, even in fiction- is usually due to the stubborn refusal to hear us out. No offense to anyone (just stating facts), but more times than not antis like myself feel as if we’re talking to a brick wall when we interact with Sessrin peeps. They go in circles and never expand on their perspectives. 

Just a head’s up: THIS GETS LONG. Stick with me. :p

Just look at their take on the Inukag vs. Sessrin relationships for example. This isn't a question of age gaps, this is a question of physical/emotional compatibility. Inukag are the same age mentally wise regardless of one being demon and the other not, whereas Sessrin is not and never will be, and yes, even once she's an adult. The thing is we have debunked this time and time again, because they’re not the same and therefore not comparable, but for some reason these fans won’t drop it. Nothing has changed in their argument, yet they’re persistent in bringing it up. I choose to not go into more detail, since like I said, you can find it around everywhere. I just wanted to touch upon it briefly to prove a point. Maybe it will come up again later in my blog though! 

Where was I earlier? Right, child grooming! Haven't you guys realized that what you’re doing is precisely what child groomers do to make excuses or deny any grooming took place at all? (FYI: I’m not accusing you of being child groomers yourselves.) “They reciprocated so the feelings are mutual" is a typical groomer response, but of course it varies. More often than not, victims of grooming aren't even aware they've been groomed until much later. That's how manipulative groomers are that they can legitmately convince you that maybe you're wrong in questioning their motives. Perhaps in the victim’s mind that because one huge indicator of grooming never actually took place it technically cannot constitute as grooming. They start to doubt themselves even though their intuition is telling them something’s off. They should just ignore it then since it can’t possibly be grooming if that one particular thing never happened, right? Wrong, grooming isn’t strictly this or strictly that. It's much more complicated and multi-faceted. This is why the “but Sesshomaru left Rin in the village” point upsets me greatly. HE WAS STILL INVOLVED IN HER LIFE, Y’ALL.  

On top of that, are you aware that this is the exact same kind of predatory mindset pedophiles use to describe their infatuation with children? They'll say things like, "I don't see them as an adult and a child. I see them as two people with a soul connection." Okay no joke, I wish I was lying, but that is literally a point one pro-sessrin fan on here recently used to defend this ship. It both astounds me and terrifies me that they don't see the glaring similarities they share in common with actual pedos.

Alright, I want to quickly return to what I was saying earlier about fiction's impact on real life. (Sorry, I’m a bit of a scatterbrain!)

The characters and their worlds in our stories that we dream up and bring to life are nothing short of awe-inspiring and magnificent if we so choose them to be. If it wasn't for our imaginations, stories like Inuyasha would have never come to exist. Fiction provides us an amazing outlet where we are given the opportunity to express ourselves and explore its infinite creative possibilities.

But strip away all the demons and magical components of this show we all love so dearly and what are we left with?

At the very core, Inuyasha is a story that's very reminiscent of the human experience: love, camaraderie, a sense of purpose, and much more!

So perhaps we got a full-fledged dog demon like Sesshomaru, but does that necessarily mean we can't relate to him or understand him simply because dog demons don't exist in the real world? Well, I hope that's not how you view it or else you're missing the whole point of why humans create stories to begin with. We create them to make better sense of and thus connect with the world we live in. And when you really think about it, our stories are just a celebration of life- both our struggles and our triumphs. Now I'm no philosophy professor, but I'm pretty sure they'd say I hit that nail right smack on the head. ;)

All shitty jokes aside, the whole reason I’m mentioning this specific example in the first place is because this recently came up with another Sessrin supporter. That supporter tried to defend the ship by stating that we aren't allowed to use Sesshomaru as an example to judge by since his kind don't exist in the real world.

Now if it isn't evident already, this "it's just fiction" argument is a popular go-to stance many Sessrin fans will resort to once they've run out of ideas and are metaphorically backed into a corner. The funny/sad thing is that they seem to sincerely believe this is strong enough evidence to defend their ship with, but per usual, they fail to see how hypocritical that would be. I’ll clarify soon down below. 

Seriously, since when did we decide that fantasy- or any story genre for that matter- stopped reflecting the real world we live in? I mean, we humans are the ones writing these stories. Our human influence is bound to make an impact in some capacity. In fact, we want it to!

Obviously none of us have ever met a dog demon like Sesshomaru, because how could we? Let me tell ya, this is gaslighting at its finest! This is a fictional story with fantasy elements, so of course there will be beings and creatures in their world that don't exist in our own. Does that somehow translate to the fact that nothing from the story of Inuyasha can be applied to our own personal stories or that there aren't meaningful messages to be taught and learned?

So on the flipside, if they're not screaming at us "it's just fiction" for the hundred billionth time, then they are, believe it or not, doing the reverse and comparing it to real world history. One instance of this is how they tell us we're making a big deal about something that isn't real, but go right ahead and use the history of feudal Japan to support Sesshomaru's decision to court (aka GROOM) a young girl because that's how it was done back then. And so, your point being?? It wasn't right then just because it was legal, and it's most certainly not right now. This is how all of their arguments go by the way, where you'll constantly witness a cherry-picking approach. It's agonizing to endure contradiction after contradiction in their arguments filled with nothing but holes in their logic.

I'd just like to add that if we're overreacting to this fictional ship like they love to say we are then technically so are they. They tell us things like "grow up" or "nobody is telling you to keep watching," yet fail to realize they're reacting just as fervently as we are but just on the opposing side of the same damn argument. I find it interesting how they're as invested in this show but pretend they aren't then STILL have the audacity to say it's only us who care this much!? So thank you Sessrin shippers for further proving our point that fiction is more than capable of affecting reality and the people- YES, US- who reside in it.

It's insane that people act like pedophiles and other creeps don't enjoy entertainment too like the rest of us. Believe it or not, they look just like you and me most of the time. Yes, that means they can easily pass as a “regular guy” if they so wished to. My question to you is how do you think pedophiles will take it when they discover others- underage fans more specifically- who dig the same kinda media they get off to? Maybe not in the exact same way, mind you, but there's a thin line between them when you really think about it. I mean, what other explanation is there for why literal pedos on the internet have been known to sneak into pro-sessrin group chats here on Tumblr before? (Thankfully, they were later kicked.) I know that for a fact! It's almost as if the universe is trying to tell them something they refuse to listen to elsewhere. Hhmmm I wonder what that may be. 

I imagine it’s possibly one of the hardest things to admit out loud and to themselves, but I can almost guarantee you that most of these Sessrin shippers who are victims of CSA and who still see no issue with Sessrin must be living with some sort of unresolved trauma caused by the very abuse they claimed to have undergone. It's been proven that victims who do not seek or properly receive the help and treatment they need in order to address and live with a traumatic experience such as this are more likely to perpetuate that very same abuse themselves in some way, shape or form. What if in this case fiction is enough for them, but who's to say it won’t eventually manifest itself in other more dire and far-reaching ways? It's not like we haven't seen this vicious cycle before, and I can promise you that Sessrin won't be the last. LET'S STOP NORMALIZING & GLORIFYING THE ROMANTIZATION & SEXUALIZATION OF CHILDREN. Fictional example: Usagi Drop. Need I say more? Real world example: Woody Allen. Again, need I say more?

Bottom line is that Sessrin shippers don't want us to think too critically about this ship of theirs, because if we dig too deep then they're forced to face the very troubling implications this pairing really stands for. Of course they'll never admit to them, because instead they rather double down and grasp at the same old straws as long as it means their precious ship is protected at all costs. Screw everyone else if that's what it takes, because they'll threaten to burn down legit buildings in real life if that ensures Sessrin goes canon! (True story, this happened on Twitter.) They’ll taunt and bully anyone who disagrees. Even if all you literally say is that you don’t like the ship, they’ll gang up on you. Tell them about your past experience with being groomed? They’ll laugh in your face. I wish I was kidding, but I assure you I am not.  And they say we're ridiculous and taking this way too seriously? Yeah...

The typical behavior of a Sessrin shipper demonstrates an overly aggressive front since they're usually on defense mode anyway. They only want to ship their sick ship in peace in other words. But just because neo-nazis have a right to spew their bigoted ideology, doesn't mean we don't got the right to punch them! Freedom of speech doesn't equate to freedom from consequences. And Sessrin shippers wonder why they got so many haters. Just sayin'.

Their presence on other platforms like Twitter and Reddit are some examples of how delusional and unstable some Sessrin fans are capable of becoming. Even recently, an anon here on Tumblr sent Richard Ian Cox (English VA for Inuyasha) a totally uncalled for ask telling him that "sessrin is love and there's nothing he can do about it." (That's not verbatim, but if you're interested I'll link you to it.) It appears they discovered that he didn't like Sessrin based on how he had been replying to asks, and just for that reason alone they thought they had the right to harass him. For simply stating his opinion, y'all. They didn't even have the decency to show their face either. Talk about immature and cowardly! 

Just yesterday (or was it the day before?) a fanatic Sessrin user on Tumblr- who’s also been known for hateful remarks on Twitter but those tweets have of course been deleted since then- went out of their way to not only lurk in a group chat they don’t belong to on here but to then proceed to harass a few of us in there. They had the guts to take screenshots from that group chat, tag us in posts on their page regarding what they read in there, and without our knowledge or permission went ahead and actually blogged them?? I mean, who calls out people behind their backs while they're just minding their own business?? It worries me how unhinged and out of touch with reality some Sessriners are. Not all of them, but a whole lot of them. 

It seems all they are doing is looking for trouble, as they just can't stand how much we hate this ship. So it's more than okay if they love on their ship but it's not okay if we don't and we should just keep our mouths shut. But since when do Sessrin fans have authority over our opinions? Even if they were officially canon, nothing is ever gonna change our opinion. Now when they actually do decide to participate in discourse with antis, you'll see them fishing for excuses to bow out. How they normally go about this is by fabricating a way to blame us antis for their exiting a conversation as if we're being the irrational ones here.

There’s no denying that some antis can also be overly blunt or aggressive (nobody is saying we’re perfect here), but speaking for myself, I know I would never make such nasty comments about other fans and their personal lives. And honestly? It would make me feel like shit talking bad about someone I don't actually know. Nah, I won't stoop to that level or give haters that satisfaction. I may not attack them as people, but that doesn't mean I can't attack some of their messed up ideas that threaten to distort how we should or shouldn’t perceive certain dangerous situations and events. Seeing as how for me this is more than just a matter of opinion- it's a moral responsibility and even an obligation.

I know it's difficult to remain civil when things get heated and people start taking things personally- yet more proof that fiction impacts our lives- but that's the only way any of us will ever have constructive discussions about serious topics like this. Unfortunately, Sessrin shippers, from what I can tell, are incapable of engaging in real discourse for the most part. They may be vocal but that doesn't mean they can pack a punch. I’d really love to be proven wrong someday.

Okay, moving on! If they're not involved in some big-time gaslighting then they're using their infamous strawman argument approach.

Sessrin fans’ sole purpose isn't really to defend their ship, per se, but rather to deflect and antagonize. They like to mislead in order to shift the focus/blame onto their opponent or something else that's not related so that they can stray from the main point. 

Take the drama CD for example. It's officially NOT considered canon, right? But that hasn't stopped many fans from referencing it anyway so let’s too consider it for a moment. The point is that they use its "existence" whenever convenient then deny it or downplay it whenever it’s not. So on one hand, it's plain as day that they celebrate it as proof of a romantic future for Sessrin. But then later once we point out to them that Sesshomaru is essentially confessing to Rin that he will wait for her until she's of age, they'll brush it off and quickly add that they didn't interpret the scene that way and leave it at that. I mean how else would you interpret it? And if it's not a proposal of sorts then why exactly are you bouncing off the walls about it to begin with?? If that's all it means is nothing then why are we even talking about this?! You see what I mean here??! And somehow we're the crazy ones? 

Let me to be frank with you. If you haven’t listened to it already, this proposal he offered her sounded like a declaration of love in a multitude of ways, which is wildly inappropriate since Rin was only 12 at the time. Signifying that Sesshomaru was/is indeed grooming her. Well, that is if you choose to recognize the drama CD. Nevertheless, whether you do or not, I personally hate that this non-canon satire is even associated with the Inuyasha name to begin with. Ugh. 

Intentional or not, Sesshomaru made a deliberate decision in that moment to tell a little girl- and not just any little girl mind you but a girl he's taken in under his care for a good year- that he would wait for her if she so chooses once she's old enough. 

The issue is that it isn’t only age of consent we’re concerned about regarding this pairing. What Sessriners fail to see is that this grown male authority- her vassal, her guardian, her adoptive father, or whatever you wanna refer to him as- is basically making a move on this girl he had in his company for quite some time. There's no sugarcoating that. Us antis call it how it is, and I'm sure as fucking day other people who don't watch the show would most certainly agree that the Sesshomaru/Rin bond is filial. Set aside those rose-tinted glasses of yours, and going by everything we’ve been delivered in the manga and parts of the anime (and NOT the drama cd), there are literally no hints that indicate a blossoming romance between this adult male demon and this small human girl he’s taken under his wing. You can imagine them all you want if it pleases you, but that doesn’t mean they’re there. Adult!Rin is a figment of your imagination, nothing more. The idolization of this pairing is pretty disturbing seeing as all we have to go off of in canon is Child!Rin. There have only ever been sweet and innocent moments passed between the two, which is why I’m positive that an unbiased viewer or an outsider would state their dynamic resembled something akin to a father-daugther relationship. I would bet a shit ton of money on that, believe you me!

Rin's inhibitions are low because children are naturally naive and don't know any better. Remember, she adores and trust this man with all her heart, so why would she think any of this so-called grooming is not normal behavior. (I only say “so-called grooming” because I don’t think Sesshomaru bringing her gifts in the village has to be a romantic thing.) Or how would she ever be able to understand that she’s being taken advantage of if she has no previous experience with it? Maybe if she was present for that time Inuyasha and the gang scolded Miroku when they had learned that years previous he had supposedly proposed to this young girl in the village they were visiting, then Rin would. And he didn’t even assist in helping raise her but look at how they reacted! How is this any different than Sesshomaru hooking up with Rin later? It’s actually worse in Sessrin's case. Do you honestly believe that Inuyasha and the others would take kindly to this?

It's not uncommon and considered harmless for young children to have crushes on adults, after all, but the adults in these scenarios should never resort to using and abusing the position of power they held or continue to hold over this child for any reason whatsoever.

What I'm trying to get across here is that no matter how you spin it, Sessrin can NEVER be deemed a morally acceptable pairing. Like ship what you want, we're not saying you can't ship Sessrin. What we're saying is this:

STOP referring to their bond as "pure" and not expect backlash for your grossly inaccurate statements. Just admit it's toxic, because it's extremely harmful to many viewers- and not just victims- to pretend and suggest otherwise.

Please remind yourself of the very real canon fact that Rin traveled with Sesshomaru and they established a bond all while she was just a girl. Oh, and he saved her life too many times to count, not to mention brought her back from the dead TWICE. This is why I don't care much for your counter argument "that dynamics can change over time," because although that's true, like with everything in life there must be standards we adhere to. Exceptions to rules, if you will. Our own basic morals demand it.

For instance, it’s normal that some childhood friends begin to like each other as more than friends years down the road. Nothing wrong with that, because that's a natural and healthy occurrence. Now you cannot apply this to an adult and a child for obvious reasons, but what you also cannot do is apply this to an adult who met and knew another adult while they were still just a child. Why? Well, because it'd be like betraying and perverting that former child's view of you. They were never your equal because your established dynamic resembles that of one an adult posesses with a child even once they've grown up. Think about it this way: it's in the same bracket of family members or family friends who've watched you grow up and mature into an adult. Then later just because they're all grown up, does that mean that those children "are not off bounds" - that's quoting a Sessrin shipper by the way- to these certain family members and family friends? 

If you're still struggling to grasp this, I urge you to take a moment (or all the time you need!) to really put yourself in that child's shoes and self-reflect. Would you truly be alright with a family friend you haven't seen in years (but sorely missed because they used to occasionally babysit you) just someday coming back into your life and then very inappropriately flirting with you or even making sexual advances on you? (Sorry for the run-on!) Or even worse, can you picture this happening to one of your own children??! Seriously, ask yourself that and sit with that for a while and really take it all in. It’s not fun, I know, but if that’s what it takes to help you finally understand then please try and practice more ways to utilize your self-awareness in the future. It’s for everyone’s benefit, not only yours, I promise! You'll also find it makes it tremendously easier to empathize with others.

I got news for those fans who don’t view Sesshomaru as a father figure to Rin. The title we give him doesn’t hold as much weight as a lot of us are making it out to be. Let’s try to be neutral here and stick to the hard facts, shall we?

*Sesshomaru is an adult male authority whose protection Rin is under*

*It’s safe to assume that Rin has grown attached to him and maybe even looks up to him*

*They care about each other and the other's well-being*

*He has has played a crucial part in her supervision and care for a significant period of time (yes, even if it’s just passing a message along to Jaken)*

Not so random anecdote: In an Inuyasha episode I recently revisited, Sesshomaru had just rescued Rin from Kohaku who had been possessed by Naraku and was ordered to kill Rin. Anyway, at the end of their scene you can hear Jaken ask out loud, “what should we do for dinner, Lord Sesshomaru?” And that’s about the most domestic thing I’ve ever heard come out of his mouth. They’re such a family dammit and nothing will ever change that!! <3

This is precisely why I could never in a million years view those past students of mine in a romantic light. I don't care how many years have passed, it's just not possible for me. Just the idea of pursuing a romantic and/or sexual relationship absolutely repels me.

Speaking as a former teacher, you don't need to be a parental figure who's around all the time in order to have great love and affection for a child. I would've done absolutely anything in my power to protect them even though they weren't my own. Then again, I did consider them my children in a way even if wasn't in a familial sense. Does that make my love for them any less unique? No, it's just different but not inferior. When you stop to think about, it really doesn't take as long as you may think to establish rapport with a person, particularly children. Connecting with a child is almost instant (but of course some are more receptive than others), and once you do make that special connection one can only make with a child, a strong and overwhelming need to guide and protect them kicks in almost automatically. The unconditional love an adult feels for a child is powerful and constant, and nothing should ever change that. As much as some of you really want to believe otherwise, that feeling doesn’t just go away because they turned 18. In your eyes, they’ll always be that kid.

I get it, sometimes when we escape into these fictional worlds of ours, it's difficult not to project our own wishes and desires onto certain characters. I don't blame fans for picturing themselves with Sesshomaru- I know I did haha- but never once did I self-insert myself as Rin. I know she's one of the biggest catalysts for his character growth- if not THE biggest- but how and why does that need to turn romantic? There are other antis who I have spoken with on this. They informed me that they used to live vicariously through Rin and ship them together, as well. As they got older, they later learned how weird and twisted this ship actually was. That's what's supposed to happen, y'all, you're supposed to grow out of that fixation. 

Now take your mind out of the Inuyasha universe for a second and hypothetically (or not hypothetically if you have kids) answer me this: if and/or when you ever have a child, would you genuinely be comfortable with the idea of them dating and eventually marrying their father’s best friend who was also there to witness them grow up? Be honest please. 

I highly doubt you would want that- or at least I hope not. You see, that's another MAJOR point I've made a few times already and yet you Sessrin shippers continue to avoid the question. It's pretty obvious it hasn't been rhetorical either. Ignorance is bliss?

Finally, I’d like to address one more point. It seems there is a HUGE misconception and I'd like to clear it up real quick. That is Sessrin shippers misinterpret one of the issues we have with this ship. They chalk up our complaints of Sessrin being canon (which is a LIE, nothing has been confirmed yet) to us just being salty because that somehow means our ships aren't or won’t be. I assure you, readers, other antis and I will attest that this ain't about dumb shipping wars, this is so much bigger than that!!!

I noticed recently that some Sessrin fans have even begun calling us Karens lolol like if anybody is a Karen it's them! This ain't about some mere difference in taste, this is very likely to have LONG-LASTING NEGATIVE EFFECTS. Sessrin going canon is a very harmful message to send viewers and children/teens especially. So if anything, it’s these shippers who are being the entitled ones here thinking that the fact we don’t support their ship is the worst thing in the world. NO, THE REAL PROBLEM IS CHILD GROOMING. GET OVER YOURSELF.

Out of nowhere, some of them even started assuming all us antis were white, which in their books is also equivalent to Karens or even white supremacists somehow?? Those aren't one in the same, but it's easy to make it appear that way when the US is currently tackling major systems of oppression and racial injustice. Because to them, all antis must be from over here. (Yes, I'm American. But no, I'm not white.) How else can anyone explain not shipping Sessrin, right?! Somehow they have it in their heads that ALL of Japan and surrounding places are super approving of this ship, and that everyone else isn’t because of their upbringing and “Western way of thinking.”  

To give you an idea of what I mean, look back at what I talked about earlier with their incessant mention of Sessrin vs. Inukag. Because THIS is another popular example of how these shippers present their side and then ignore all the facts. Many fans have already proven how fucked up and inaccurate it is to label whole countries and cultures. It’s like they simply think mentioning it makes it count even though we’ve discredited their points over and over. Nah, you got to back it up with good reasons that support your side of the argument. That’s How To Have An Argument: 101. So at the end of the day, all they're actually achieving in doing is making dumb and entirely unrelated accusations based on nothing just to lead to deductions that are equally unfounded. Nothing at all is accomplished but more gaslighting and hurling of insults on their part = a complete waste of time for antis = an excuse for them to peace out early from the conversation & that’s what they wanted all along

We’ve reached the end (finally! sorry for all the rambling!), and I hope those of you who stayed till the end or read enough can take something positive out of this. As many Inuyasha fans are aware, there will be a livestream with the VAs for Sesshomaru and Rin coming out within the next few hours. We don’t have all the details yet, and afterwards we probably still won’t. I’m not just talking about Sessrin here but about the sequel in general. Whatever happens, please just remember to be kind to one another. If you don’t think you’re capable of doing that, then it’s best you vent and fume elsewhere. Easier said than done, I know, but just try. Throughout this blog, I admit there were moments where I got frustrated and took some jabs at Sessrin shippers. Please believe me when I say that I do not and would not ever wish any of you ill will. 

Inuyasha was such a huge part of my childhood, and I’m not gonna lie, I’m anxious as hell that Sunrise will ruin one of the best things I loved about this show. So pardon me if my reactions are too visceral for your liking. haha Also, like the movies and the drama cd, this sequel is not in fact canon. Therefore, for those of you who disagree or who still plan to enjoy this new series, respect the fact that some of us fans will definitely “cancel” it if we feel that’s what we have to do to come to terms with it and move on. Fans have that right, after all. Why should we get on board with something if it’s so uncharacteristic of and unrecognizable from the original source material? If all this is some sort of cash grab of Sunrise’s doing, then count me out. I truly hope that this sequel turn outs being a lot more promising than a lot of us are expecting. I’m begging you, Sunrise, I wanna believe you’re better than this. Please and thank you!   

By the way, if you’re interested, feel free to check out my two other blogs on this same subject. Click here and here. The last two screenshots do not come from something I’ve written myself. If you’d like to read more from where those came from, let me know and I’d be more than happy to send you the links. Okay, bye for now. Peace out and stay safe, everyone! 

[land-of-classpects-and-analysis]

Seer of Time

Everyone has a little bit of a fighting spirit in them, right? There are simply some things we hear that truly make us angry, offended, or feel attacked/threatened, and so we want to fight back against it. It’s only instinct, right? Well, there are those who would rather try to learn to adapt and continue living a passive life - even if it means being in the shadow of some authoritarian figure. The risk of bringing harm onto themself or those they care about is too great, and so they would rather try to live through life as best they can, all the while ignoring the threat that looms above them. However, then you have those who dedicate themselves to a life of fighting all of the wrongness in the world, those who will do nothing until the world is balanced and they have nothing left to fight against. 

Those bound to the Aspect of Time are known to be excellent fighters who refuse to allow problems, big or small, remain unsolved. Although they encounter many struggles in their life, it is most often because they seek out these people and places that need to be fixed and protected. While many people have at least a little bit of a fighting spirit in them, no one is as ready and willing to run head-first into danger to solve a problem than those bound to Time. However, the biggest thing with Time-bound is that they look for these fights to partake in. They love it, they enjoy it, one might even say it’s one of the biggest things they live for. What does any of this mean, though, to a person who does not wish to fight or doesn’t see why they should be fighting? What does any of this mean to the Seer of Time?

In the beginning, it would mean a waste of time, energy, and resources. The Seer of Time would not see a reason as to why they should be fighting and solving problems, even if it does directly affect them. They see a chance to make things better without having to resort to violence, leaning more to the side of caution than anything else. The Seer of Time may not be a full-on pacifist like it’s Space counterpart, but they would most definitely put more thought into their other options than immediately jump into the ring. One may even say the Seer of Time is a coward in the beginning of their journey, which is only partially true. While fighting is a natural response to when danger is expected, there are some people who realize it isn’t always the best answer. The Seer of Time is not a coward, but rather are more cautious of their own safety and well-being.

If someone were to hand a weapon to the Seer of Time and order them to get out in the world and fight, they would hesitate as much as they could. Some of the most frequent questions asked by the Seer of Time would be “Are there any other options?” or even a simple “Why?”, trying to gain as much information so that they may make the best excuse possible to put down the weapon and not partake in this fighting. However, this doesn’t mean the Seer of Time is similar to the Seer of Doom or Seer of Light in that they are willfully ignorant of all the bad in the world. The Seer of Time may have some knowledge of all the bad that is happening in the world, but they personally do not know why they should bother going out onto the battlefield, no matter what it is or what it looks like. In their own eyes, they aren’t anyone special. They aren’t a soldier, they aren’t an adventurer, they aren’t a gladiator, they’re just someone who is trying to live a good life. They don’t see a reason to drop all that makes them happy to instead rush into a fight they may not win and thus will only have wasted time and energy for themself than gained anything from it. 

The Seer of Time is one of the Seers who can become quite stubborn if too many people try and pressure them into becoming a fighter. It could become bad enough that the Seer of Time could lock themself away from their Aspect forever, allowing injustices and problems in their life and others to fester, grow, and remain unsolved. One of the most important things for those in the Seer of Time’s life to realize is that the Seer of Time is truly not meant to be a fighter, but rather a supporter and, in a way, a leader. Keeping the nature and powers of Seers in mind - how they invite knowledge of their Aspect or knowledge through their Aspect - this would set up the Seer of Time to be a figure meant to be in the shadows, calculating and planning things out beat by beat. These powers are only reserved, though, for when the Seer of Time fully awakens and has already invited this knowledge of, or knowledge through, Time.

Similar to the Seer of Breath, the Seer of Time is one who could so choose to invite knowledge through their Aspect. Although it has not been explored in previous analyses, any Seer could so choose to go along the path of inviting knowledge through their Aspect, though this typically is reserved for after the Seer has ascended. There are always those special few, though, who have early access to that path of connecting with their Aspect and gaining the knowledge connected to it. The Seer of Time just so happens to be one of these few Seers, though, much like the Seer of Breath, it can become quite the difficult and rugged journey for the Seer of Time. Much like how a fully realized Seer of Time can gaze into the web of timelines, these two journeys will both be examined and explored to the best of current abilities.

To start off with the traditional route of the Seer of Time inviting knowledge of Time, there would have to be a tipping point where the Seer of Time would want to finally learn and know more about Time and what it truly means. While there could be various reasons for this stirring, chances are it would most likely involve someone finally pulling the Seer of Time aside and shaking them to their senses. As stated before, the Seer of Time would try to find any possible way to solve a problem without bringing about violence, mostly because they find the strive to partake in these battles to be rather foolish. Typically it is unwise to try and pressure a Seer, and the Seer of Time is no different. However, chances are it would take someone else taking them by the shoulders and shaking them out of that false dream of pacifism. Sometimes you do have to fight, whether it be physically, verbally, or otherwise, in order to solve a problem. Maybe there would be a problem the Seer of Time would face where they do have to realize this is only an issue capable of being solved by harnessing that fighting spirit within one’s self.

For them to finally open up and invite this knowledge, though, would mean they are in a desperate and perhaps even dire situation. It may be a begrudging invitation, but it is one nonetheless. What it means to allow or invite knowledge of Time is to invite the knowledge of embracing being a fighter and facing the issues, broken things, and toxic things in one’s life. No longer being the one who sits on the bench and allows people to be harmed, but rather being the hero that people need, one way or another. The Seer of Time may learn to do this from not only word-of-mouth, but rather by practicing this themself. While the Seer of Time is one who is mostly meant to play a passive, calculative role in the group, that does not mean they can’t have the occasional battle or two - whether it be wit vs wit or muscle vs muscle. It simply means that in order to make the Seer of Time your opponent is to make one of the worst mistakes of your life. Not only do they have the knowledge of what the Time Aspect is all about, and as such have made some sense of connection to it, but they are also capable of seeing all possibilities, timelines, and actions available to them in a fight, making them a rather devastating and daunting foe to have.

As for the Seers of Time who so choose to invite knowledge through Time, it means that they must go forth and form that connection with their Aspect in order to achieve such knowledge. While the former option only lends the Seer of Time to mostly having to observe their Aspect, only partaking in a few fights if they so choose, the latter option means the Seer of Time must face their Aspect head on. Not only would they have to chase after any chance of battle to gain this knowledge, but they would finally have to allow themself to suffer in some form or another. While the Seer of Time may live a life with no real suffering, or at least try their best not to succumb to such feelings, if they so wish to follow the path of inviting this knowledge through Time, this would mean they’d have to make a few sacrifices of comfort and safety. Stepping out of one’s comfort zone can be a terrifying and uncomfortable experience, but it can also lead to new experiences, people, information, and more. Simply raising their voice or talking back to an authority figure, whether it be a teacher, parent, or boss, could be just the right spark to ignite the coals on which they must walk on in order for them to gain this knowledge of Time. Once they realize how easy it is to fight back, and how so many problems plaguing their life can be solved through such means, it is only a matter of time before the Seer of Time no longer slowly walks atop those hot coals, but rather dances across them.

Perhaps another reason for why they follow this path over the other is that they have already experienced something so grand that they could no longer ignore the siren call of suffering. Once they have survived this suffering, they may find that they have grown stronger and wiser as a person, and as such would most likely choose the path that lends them to more suffering, but also more strength and knowledge than they ever had in the first place. If the Seer of Time is not careful, though, then they could accidentally throw themself into a battle that even they, no matter how strong and knowledgeable they have become, could not win. Who knows, though? Maybe the Seer of Time went into such a grand battle knowing they would lose, knowing that the bigger the loss, the more resilient they become.

Everyone has a fighting spirit within their hearts and minds, but it truly depends on the person how they go about handling such a thing. It is easy to become someone who only fights everything and everyone around them, but it is just as easy to suppress and turn away from that spirit, whether it be out of fear, disgust, or something else. While some may use it for only destruction, as a means to get what they want, or, ironically enough, as a means to create something beautiful and grand, the Seer of Time is one who would use that fighting spirit to guide themself and their allies through even the toughest of times and battles. They are not a leader, but rather someone who can lend a hand every once and awhile in pointing others towards the right direction. They are not a healer, but that does not mean they are incapable of seeing all of the possible solutions to the issues that trouble their allies, and are more than willing to help such friends reach these conclusions, even if it means cutting a few corners here and there. The Seer of Time is a powerful friend to have, but an even more powerful enemy to make, so it would be best to try and remain on their good side as best as one can.

[girl4music]

Information on Twin Flames

You guys might find this interesting to read and recognize that it sounds extremely similiar to a relationship we all know and love. This information is taken from an Allure article written only last year.

"Have you ever met somebody who completely changed the course of your life? It might have been your twin flame. But what does that term mean, exactly? And, perhaps more importantly, how do you know when you've found yours?

“These high-level spiritual love connections do exist, but here’s a pretty serious misunderstanding of what that means," says psychospiritual mentor and love coach Lisa Vallejos. Many people assume that a twin flame is the same thing as a romantic soul mate and use the terms interchangeably, but these are entirely different things. While they can be romantic relationships, they can also be completely platonic in nature. Still, twin flames are intense and life-changing relationships that can forever change who you are.

Meeting your twin flame will change your life, but what does the term mean? Here's how to know when you meet them, what it'll feel like, and how the relationship is different from the one you have with a soul mate.

What is a twin flame?

Contrary to popular belief, a twin flame is not your soul mate. Your twin flame doesn't even have to be someone you fall in love with (although it often is). "This kind of high-level, soul-based connection isn’t about romance. It’s about spiritual growth," says Vallejos. "You meet them and your life just completely changes. You start seeing the world differently. It pushes you to want to engage with the divine, shift consciousness, and become a better, soulful being in this experience." A twin flame can be a romantic partner, a friend, a mentor, or even a student.

The relationship goes both ways. It's not a one-way spiritual street. When you meet your twin flame, they will forever change your life and you will do the same thing for them. According to intuitive energy healer Tasha Nassar, a twin flame relationship helps us unite the divine masculine and feminine within us all. (We all contain masculine and feminine energies regardless of our gender).

While such relationships are with another person, they are also meant to help us evolve our relationship with ourselves. Nassar tells Allure that when these energies come into union with another, you become a higher version of yourself and realize a version of love different from other types of relationships.

How do you know when you meet your twin flame?

Have you ever met someone and it just felt...meant to be?

“There’s a sense of homecoming," explains Vallejos. "There’s a sense of merging energy where you can’t really tell where you start and they end." Additionally, she says that often your twin flame will have experienced similar childhood trauma. While a twin flame isn't a soul split in two, as we are whole on our own, twin flames do act as a reflection. It's like looking in a mirror, and not only is your unprocessed trauma reflected back at you, but so is past life or ancestral work. "It can be really intense. That’s what being in a twin flame relationship is like, staring into a mirror all day," she says.

Unlike life partners, or what we consider to be soul mates, twin flames are intense and challenging relationships that force us to deal with our unresolved issues and become a bigger person. Because of this intensity, it's uncommon for twin flames to be a lifelong partnership. Rather, they are people who enter your life for a period of time to help you grow and steer you on course. "It is common for those relationships to separate because they are very difficult to maintain," explains Vallejos.

Think of your twin flame as a catalyst. It's okay if the relationship ends, even if it's quite painful due to the level of intensity. Your twin flame is not someone you should wait around for, as not everyone meets one in this lifetime. Should you find them, don't expect them to be your life partner. That's another type of relationship.

It might feel (or might have felt) like a cosmic spark when you meet your twin flame. They may bring up some of the most challenging lessons you'll learn and will forever change the course of your life — and you'll do the same for them. The relationship will set you on the right path and will help you confront and heal unresolved wounds. Think of your twin flame as a spark, a crucial one, and someone you will always remember. However, it's not only okay but totally normal if the relationship doesn't last forever."

Source: https://www.allure.com/story/what-is-a-twin-flame

21 Major Twin Flame Signs

“Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along.” – Rumi (The Essential Rumi)

We are not always receptive to the appearance of our twin flames in life. We might be heart-broken, wracked with grief, maritally over-burdened, or just plain tired and disillusioned when they suddenly appear out of the blue. Feeling unprepared is one of the biggest reasons why twin flame separation and the twin flame runner and chaser complex occurs. In fact, we might have already met our twin flames, but we might have overlooked them or taken them for granted in some way.

Whatever emotional or psychological stage you’re at in life, it is always beneficial to be conscious of the people you live with and meet. These following twin flame signs might help you to open new pathways and opportunities for union:

1. You feel a strange, inexplicable sense of “recognition” when you meet the person. This might manifest itself as déjà vu, or an unshakable feeling that you’ve known this person before, or are somehow “meant to be together.”

2. You have a feeling that they are going to play a very important role in your own development, without knowing when, why or how.

3. You’ve established an immediate, intense connection with them that is invigorating and shocking at the same time.

4. You feel as though you’ve finally found a “home” or safe place with the other person.

5. You are able to be your authentic self – warts and all – without the fear of rejection, persecution or judgment with them.

6. You both embody the yin and yang, in other words, your dark side is balanced by their light side, and their dark side is balanced by your light side.

7. You feel a sense of expansion with them, as though you are larger than your limited identity.

8. They make you a better person, and you make them a better person.

9. When together you are both bonded but free, attached but unattached. In other words, you still maintain your freedom even though you might be in a relationship with them.

10. You are finely tuned to their energy, and they are finely tuned to yours. This means that you are both very conscious of the present play of energy (whether happy or sad, angry or forgiving, open or withholding) present in the connection. You’re both therefore highly empathic with each other.

11. You feel as though you have been waiting for this person your entire life.

12. You both connect deeply and mirror each other’s values and aspirations for life beyond surface similarities.

13. Your twin flame is a mirror of what you fear and simultaneously desire the most for your own inner healing. For example, if you are a highly-strung person, your twin flame will most likely be relaxed and messy. If you like to play the victim, your twin flame will be a strong character who refuses to give you pity or sympathy to perpetuate your complex. If you are creatively repressed, your twin flame will be a flourishing artist. In this way, our twin flames challenge and infuriate us but also teach us important lessons about our fears, core wounds, and repressions.

14. Your childhoods were polar opposite. You were raised in very different ways, which led to the development of opposite childhood wounds that you now have the opportunity to mend.

15. One of you is more soulfully mature than the other and often serves as the teacher, counselor or confidant within the relationship.

16. You are taught important life lessons such as forgiveness, gratitude, empathy, and open-mindedness by them and with them.

17. The most growth you’ve ever experienced has been with them. No other friendship or relationship has transformed you as deeply as this one has.

18. Your connection is multi-faceted. In other words, your twin flame is likely your best friend, lover, teacher, nurturer, and muse all at once.

19. Your twin flame doesn’t try to change you. They accept you for who you are and what stage you’re at and encourage you to do the same for yourself (and vice versa).

20. You can be truthful with each other about anything.

21. Together, you both feel driven towards a higher purpose, whether spiritually, socially or ecologically. 

It makes me wonder whether Xena and Gabrielle had met before in that present lifetime of them being Xena and Gabrielle before the first episode of the show without them ever really realizing.it. Like they just passed by each other not aware to each other at all. And that's interesting because much of Xena's backstory especially has her meeting people that both change her life positively and negatively but the relationship never sticks. They eventually go their separate ways or are abruptly severed. Xena and Gabrielle's relationship sticks. They don't willfully separate or become severed from each other exactly, but they do go off on their own adventures from time to time still very much attached to each other mentally, emotionally or spiritually but physically separate from each other for the meanwhile for their own experiences. None of the other relationships for either characters, especially not Xena's, had that sense of belonging but not owning thing going on. But they did. Perhaps that's just because the show centers around both of them and allowed us the see what they did while not travelling together so we could also see how much they still needed or wanted each other around. 

What do you guys think?

[user-43424]

A Fool's Glance at Hermetic Knowledge

"Reality, weather approached imaginatively or empirically,

remains a surface, Hermetic"

- Samual Beckett  

When you hear the term Occult, what is the first thing that comes to mind? Men with long beards in long black robes? Weird goth kids claiming to be Satan? Most people only see the Occult as a wired cult with rituals and demons. However this is a gross misunderstanding of the Occult and its practice. It hardly scratches the surface   Occult Knowledge, is. The term Occult comes from the Latin root words, “Cleare” to hide; “Occulere'' to conceal; “Occultare'' secret. Occult literally means hidden knowledge. It's hidden because for the longest time throughout history it was illegal to practice anything outside of the State mandated religion even when the Occult Knowledge itself predates the State religion by thousands of years. It is also hidden by the willfully ignorant. Some people are just lacking the inner insight of this philosophy to gain anything from it. So its meaning is hidden from them by their own ignorance. Just like some people are stronger than others some people are just wiser than others.

Before we go into the Philosophy we have to first talk about, the Master of Masters in Hermetic Knowledge, it would be a disservice if we didn't talk about the man, the myth, the legend Hermes Tristmegistus, also known as the “Thrice-greatest Hermes”. Hermes being the messenger of the gods and the God of hidden knowledge. He is a combination of the Egyptian God Thoth and the Greek God Hermes. The hermetic tradition goes all the way back to Ancient Egypt and Greece, thus why Hermetic philosophy is centered around Hermes Tristmegistus, God of Wisdom. The Emerald Tablets is the collection of the Wisdom of the Thrice Great Hermes, the Center of This Hermitic Tradition the Kybalion subscribes to.

Hermetic Rules of Thumb:

Keep This Stuff Secret –

Some people still see these ideas as threatening to them in some way. Be it a religious conflict or a misunderstanding of the topic. It’s important you keep this information to yourself while you are learning about it. We like to think that the world today is open and free to believe whatever we want to believe, but the world is always changing. Keep your work to yourself not just for your safety but also so your truths and experiences remain your own. Untainted by others opinions. It is also very important that you come to an understanding of this material according to your own fruition. The way you see things, live your life and experience life is unique and should stay unique while you develop yourself and the understanding of this world. I like to think God; The ALL; or whatever the “Source” is. It prefers us to come to an understanding of it on our own in our own way. So during the development stage keep your work a secret.

Don't Throw Pearls at Swine –

If you know someone that won't understand anything about Hermetic Philosophy save yourself some time and headache and keep it to yourself. Chances are that even if they do find it interesting they will more than likely misinterpret the meaning behind words and miss the message behind them. Keep your Pearls for others with pearls.

Milk Before Babes, Meat for the Strong –

As someone just starting to look into Hermetic Philosophy it wouldn't do you well to slap you with advanced occult stuff. That would be like giving you a lesson in quantum physics to a five year old. Not because the kid is dumb but because the kid has not formed a basic understand of key concepts and principles to formulate an advanced understanding of what quantum physics is. Once the kid learns the basic concepts of physics he can later tackle the more advanced knowledge on the topic.

Don't Crystallize This Into a Creed –

Wisdom degenerates when you do this. All truths are half truths and everyone will discover something slightly different during their journey. This is your personal journey.  A key part of the Kybalion is The Law. The Law is the Hermetic Principle of Cause and Effect in its aspect of the Law of Attraction, Vibration and Polarity. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Nothing escapes this Law. However, reality is constantly changing and so some laws may also need to change with what is current. Political law is not always factual law thus the problem with censorship. The tides of change may end up covering the truth but there will always be ways to hide the truth in plane sight.  You don't always want a stone foundation when a more flexible foundation is way more stable and will last much longer. It is also important that we all find our own truths and not impose on other truths but try to find the whole truth through the combinations of other truths.

Share when the Opportunity Allows-

This breaks all the previous rules, rules are made to be broken if we never broke any of the rules we wouldn't get anywhere as a species, new things would never be discovered and the world would be boring. Just be smart with who you share it with. Some will not understand you and others will downright refuse to understand you, don't need to create drama for yourself with people who can't handle your truth. Remember also that your truth Is still a half truth and always listen and learn from the truths of others. This is exactly what I am doing right now! Break the rules!

There are Seven Main Principles that make up the Hermetic Philosophy.

Mentalism – You will hear this from me constantly, the Universe is Mental the more you  understand this the better you will understand this philosophy as a whole.   

Correspondence – As Above So Below is something else you will hear constantly. Its is good for understanding paradoxes and hidden secrets of nature     

Vibration – Everything is in motion all the time, even when its seems to be at rest the atoms  that make up the material are still in motion.     

Polarity – Everything is Dual as a result all truths are half truths that make up the whole  truth of the Law. All opposites are identical in nature but different in degree. As a result of this Principle things like Good and Evil; Light and Dark; Hot and Cold are two poles of the same thing.  

Rhythm – Think of a  pendulum and its swing, everything has a rhythm, everything flows in and out, everything has its tides, everything rises and falls.  

Cause and Effect –  everything happens according to Law. There is no such thing as  chance, chances is just an unrecognized Law. Nothing escapes this Law.  People who understand this plays the Game and ceases to be an NPC.    

Gender – Gender is everything and the Law of Gender is set between a Masculine and Feminine principle. There is mental gender and there is physical gender. There is no exception to this rule in the Hermetic Philosophy. Every Male form has hidden female elements and every Female form has hidden masculine elements.  

This Philosophy is a Precursor to Science

These laws are present in everything. The most notable and concrete is that of Newton and his Laws of Physics. Newton's third law is: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. The statement means that in every interaction, there is a pair of forces acting on the two interacting objects. This goes right along with the principles of Cause and Effect and Polarity.

Polarity is very well known in both Physics and Chemistry especially when in electromagnetism. It is present in the study of magnets where they label the two sides of a magnet; the North pole and South pole. You also see it in batteries labeled with positive (+) and negative (-) poles. Very familiar because you see them in almost every electronic device that needs a battery.  

Rhythm and vibration is also a physical science. The study of vibration is called Cymatics and it is used in the healthcare field, art and music and engineering and electronics. It is the one principle you see, feel and hear. You can’t see without light and the way it vibrates into your eyes. You can hear sound because of your ears and you can feel the same vibrations with your hands on a speaker.  

Gender is present in biology and psychology. It is studied in biology through genetic makeup of an organism. In psychology both the masculine and the feminine are present in the psyche through the Anima/Animus or in the Brahman the Shiva/Shakti.

Hermetic philosophy, is not a religion it is a very basic understanding of how our reality works. You can use this in any aspect of your life from your job to your hobbies to how you raise a family. Its principals are present in every field of study from physical sciences, political sciences, engineering, even literature and art. Understanding the hermetic principles opens up windows of deeper understanding that will make your path in life easier to follow. That is why I personally think about them whenever I encounter a problem.  

I hope you found this interpretation of the Kybalion interesting. It really has helped me understand spirituality and philosophy on a different level. This information can and has been used over the course of history to form a deeper understanding of the Universe and our role in it. I Am the Fool! May the light of wisdom show you through the darkest of times.

Sources: The Kybalion, by the Three Initiates

[dappersheep]

Oyster Study: Loyalties

Because it's an evident theme from the start, and since we have Oyster's backstory now available on top of the Oyster event (live as of this writing on CN and JP servers), I'm sharing up a character study I've been doing for a while.

This is, in no way, putting Spaghetti/Beer/insert FS here on a pedestal or giving them flak, but it is a study of what is pragmatic and plausible to happen given what we know of their personalities and chemistry.

Disclaimer: All my lore sources are translated materials (personal and outside) from the Oyster CN Wiki, Hinabes’ translation of the Oyster Event, amongst other volunteer sources and these may change in the future without warning.

Carry on after the line cut.

So "Loyalty" is a strong theme for Oyster. Most, if not all of the main content for him implies it in one way or another. And for all the obstacles thrown or offered to him to change allegiances, he still remains steadfast by choice.

Why is that? Why does he carry such a strong loyalty towards a person who is decidedly Not Good in the canon ‘verse of the lore and constantly refuses to abandon his loyalties? Honestly, there’s lots of factors that could give some light on that but know that I can’t speculate on all of it with just my perspective.

Before we get into the meat of things, we need to understand that Oyster knew what was happening with the business of Spaghetti over the course of his stay with them.

Oyster is also a smart Food Soul, with a sharp sense given that he notices shifts in moods and is perceptive when people keep information from him. He may be naive by Spaghetti's standards, but he isn't naive in that he is ignorant in comparison to Pizza, who copes by being optimistic to a fault, nor will Oyster believe everything and anything anyone says. This, I think, is his distrustful nature in play as wariness.

So he starts out distrustful due to severe neglect and his extremely unwanted presence by all the villagers, including his Master Attendant. Even Spaghetti was subjected to it when they met for the first time, and likely continued to be held in light doubt. This allows Oyster to carry a healthy note of skepticism, which in turn allows him to question Spaghetti’s motives and what Oyster is really there for.

Oyster wasn’t allowed to do anything more than trivial jobs for the longest time, despite him wanting to prove that he’s capable. Spaghetti refuses him each time, citing that ‘he’s not ready’ and ‘when you know the true darkness of this world.’

Why is this? How would Oyster be allowed to learn and get ready when he isn’t allowed to go on dangerous missions? This is probably a stretch comparison but, I figured it was Spaghetti taking care of his pawns in an indirect manner. Spaghetti knows Oyster is neglected and needs to adjust from social isolation to suddenly being surrounded by other people. Spaghetti himself is likely aware he is not the best person to be taking care of Oyster for obvious reasons, so more often than not, it was Borscht who handled and interacted with him.

Oyster needs time to learn to socialize without overwhelming him with tasks, allow him his own pacing so he doesn’t get stressed out and develop bad coping mechanisms. And even when Oyster thinks he is ready, Spaghetti is the one with the life experience and pretty much concludes, ‘No, you are not ready. Do not overestimate yourself.’

This repeated refusal would then likely put a wedge between him and Oyster, who might have been jealous that B52 got to escort Spaghetti. Regardless he knew very little about B52 or the real nature of the missions, all he wanted was to prove himself and pay back Spaghetti’s kindness for giving him a better home.

And even when B52 went missing, Spaghetti still refused to allow Oyster to escort him or do the hard missions despite the lack of manpower. Of course that’s going to go over so well with Oyster who is already getting frustrated with more refusals.

Borscht, who was more or less the missions giver of the team, was likely advised against giving him anything remotely arduous no matter how much he pleaded.

… Except we know she caved in. Thus Sakurajima happened, and would have turned very tragic hadn’t it been for Beer the Good Samaritan.

The experience allowed Oyster to see a different side to things, and also a step out of his comfort zone. He learned new things and that there are good fellows, other people he can learn to trust. But he knows he can’t just leave. Not out of fear of Spaghetti’s wrath, but that it would be a disservice to abandon him without saying a word.

Even when Beer offered Oyster to travel with him after expressing reservations about Spaghetti -unfairness, being relatively distant and aloof towards him, suspiciously problematic-, he can’t just abandon his obligations and the person who he owes a lot to. It’s also likely he saw that Spaghetti had good reason to delay him being sent on these missions, so in a way, it slightly humbled Oyster’s opinions of the redhead. And well, Oyster already thought of Borscht and Spaghetti as family despite not being blood related.

By the end of his bio, Oyster was advised again to leave Spaghetti. But by then, he knows there’s more to Spaghetti and his motives than the redhead is willing to show. Oyster knows it himself that his boss is not a pure man, but he was the first to show him kindness, and Oyster is adamant on repaying that with his loyalty.

It’s likely too, that the events of his bio sparked the whole ‘test of faith’ thing that is the overarching plot of the Oyster event. One could call it some sort of ‘coming of age’ ceremony that Spaghetti had planned for Oyster. We know how Spaghetti never half-asses anything and couple that with his trust issues? I feel Borscht’s great exasperation with her boss over the whole thing. And he did send most of the members of his organization to go give Oyster and Pretzel a hard time, at the same time, showing Oyster that he was Not Good. He never was ‘good’, and he doesn’t plan to sugarcoat it. Oyster had to understand that part if he wanted to stay.

Oyster has every reason to dislike and feel betrayed by Spaghetti by the event's end. Oyster also has had every chance to get away from Spaghetti, and Spaghetti literally gives him enough opportunities to do so (ie. every time he goes out on an errand, he could just never come back). But at the end of it all, even when Pretzel was alright with taking him away, Oyster refused.

And that incredible sense of loyalty (despite screaming at his bastard of a boss for that A+ test of faith) was enough for Spaghetti. This whole thing could be a good candidate for the My Master, Right or Wrong trope, though for now it’s looking to be less grim for Oyster.

In conclusion, Oyster’s sense of loyalty (and him in general) had gone through cycles and  developing each time. He knows it’s not the best decision to make, it’s also not the worst. What matters is that it’s his choice to make (and stay by Spaghetti’s side), and he will fight even Spaghetti for that right.

Other things of note:

It's also interesting to note that when Oyster said not to touch him, Spaghetti verbally stated he won’t, and made good on that. As far as I know, the only time he willfully did so was pulling Oyster behind him in the second to last chapter of the event. Otherwise, there is no mention of Spaghetti breaking this oath even subtly.

Peking (or was it Boston?) told Oyster that, ‘Following a dangerous guy like that will make you lose the things important to you.’ Now I don’t know how much Peking or Boston knows about Oyster, but Oyster literally has nothing else to his name and what is important to him is ironically, Spaghetti and Borscht. Maybe he senses that Oyster is still a contracted Food Soul, and assumes that he’s being used against his will for the sake of his MA. It could also mean “Beer’s friendship” as the important thing. It’s left open to debate.

Again, if anyone wants to discuss this with me, my ask is open for it.

[amandaoftherosemire]

Lightning Strikes Part Five

Fandom: Marvel Avengers AU

Pairing: Thor Odinson X Reader

Characters: Thor Odinson, Loki Odinson, Bucky Barnes

Author: @amandaoftherosemire​

Rating: Mature

Word Count: 5,280

Format: Series (Complete)

Warning: Language.

Summary: You spend time with Loki.

A/N: The first couple parts of this was written a while ago for @buckysforeverprincess 500 Follower Writing Prompt Challenge. Not consistent with Marvel canon. I have willfully and deliberately ignored the events of Infinity War. The Statesman made it to Earth after a largely uneventful journey and everyone is FINE. The only thing I’ve taken from Infinity War is Stormbreaker because it’s cool as hell.

I want to thank everyone who sticks with my fics since I’m terrible at updating regularly. I also want to thank everyone who leaves feedback or sends me messages about them. It really does encourage me to write. I might not have stuck with this if someone hadn’t dropped me an ask about it. This seems to be only true for me, but I have no problem with being asked when I’m going to update as long as you’re not a dick about it. 😄 

This one took me some time until I stopped trying to make Loki do anything. It sounds weird but after a while I started thinking the real thing was fucking with me for daring to think I was in charge.

Part Four: Idolatry here

Antithesis

Several weeks later you sat at your desk in your office at the compound and tried with all your might to focus on one of the worst parts of your job. Full of legalese that proved to you beyond a shadow of a doubt that half the lawyers in the world only existed because the other half did, you were knee-deep in some bullshit. Reading documents like this was literally your least favorite part of the job description.

And it certainly didn't help that the author of the document was a member of the legal department with whom you were unfortunately familiar. You'd made it a point to not drink that heavily at office events since. The man may have been hot, but he was also an arrogant, pretentious fuckrag.

You couldn't help but be preoccupied. The Odinson brothers were driving you to distraction, though for very different reasons. You were running on fumes at this point, but you didn't know how to stop. Between the two, you were only getting a few hours of sleep a night even if it was only in making up missed work. Neither man was very good with the concept of deadlines or limited amounts of time, though Loki was the far worse of the two. You imagined you could thank Thor's time living on Earth, not to mention his sweet nature, for his greater consideration.

Thor. When he was there, he was quite possibly perfect. Funny and good natured, he was a joy to be around the vast majority of the time. Most of the time you spent together he seemed determined to wring everything he could get out of every minute with you. It was delightfully intense, because it wasn't just sex. Honestly, you'd have preferred it if it was, because he was sweet, and charming, and scarily intelligent, and you were terrified you were falling head over heels in love with him.

When he was there, he was the perfect companion, attentive without being overbearing, energetic without being exhausting, sweet without being cloying. He was also one of the most interesting men you'd ever met, a veritable fount of knowledge with an easy willingness to impart it. He had great stories, and a somewhat dramatic way of telling them. On top of that, he was a great listener, eager to learn everything you'd tell him about yourself, your life, your world. You'd yet to spend a boring minute in his presence.

When he was there, he made you feel like no one ever had before, like you were glowing from the inside out. He didn't just make you feel special, he seemed to think you were remarkable, as though he'd never even imagined someone like you. Aside from his myriad attractions, the outrageous body, the dreamy smile, the sweet and generous nature, that wonder at the reality of you would have been irresistible on its own. He sometimes had a look in his eye like he couldn't believe you were real. The idea that someone as extraordinary as Thor, considering where he'd come from and all that he'd seen, could find you not only astonishing, but delightfully so, was captivating.

When he was there, he couldn't seem to keep his hands off you, as though he thought you the sexiest woman on the planet. Not only was he ready, willing, and eager to go to bed whenever and wherever, he'd happily spend all day at it if you'd let him. To your amused chagrin, you'd now had sex in any number of rooms in the compound that you'd never even set foot in before. He was an utter hedonist, deeply sensual, basely sexual, and without an ounce of shame in his entire gorgeous body. Being his lover was both exhilarating and exhausting.

When he was there, you forgot all the reasons you should not fall in love with Thor Odinson. When he was there, you couldn't think about anything but the fact that you were happier with him than you'd ever been before. When he was there, you let tomorrow worry about itself and lived in the moment.

As he made every moment a shimmering jewel, as every moment dazzled you, seduced you, destroyed you, it was dangerously easy to lose yourself in him. When he was there.

That was the thing, though. He most often was NOT there.

Which you got. And not in that bullshit way where you say you get it, but you're only saying it because you know you're supposed to. You actually got it. You knew Thor had more than you could imagine on his plate; busy didn't begin to describe it. That he took the time he did to spend with you wasn't just flattering, it had the romantic corner of your heart sighing dreamily.

Unfortunately, when Thor wasn't there, which was most of the time, you were entirely too aware of how doomed your relationship with him truly was. Whether you looked at the differences in your circumstances, the distance between your homes, or the insanity of your lives, there was no way this could possibly work long term; you were sure of it. When you added in the fact that he was a king, a god, a hero, it was just getting ridiculous.

Lastly, there was the terrible thought you'd had once in the middle of the night that you never let yourself think again but that sat in the back of your brain like a goblin, snickering and waiting for its chance to start gnawing on your mind. You'd first thought of it when you were once again alone; Thor had left the afternoon before and your bed was suddenly depressingly cold and lonely. After hours of sleepless worry about all the other things bound to go wrong, you'd had a thought so awful, of an obstacle so insurmountable, you'd immediately wrapped it in layers of oh hell no and stuffed in the darkest corner in the smallest, darkest closet of your mind. If you didn't think of it, you could allow yourself to enjoy this glorious fantasy until something else destroyed the dream.

You'd had the thought because of Loki, actually. Not because of something he'd deliberately pointed out, but an offhand comment regarding something that happened when he and Thor had been children. The story had been funny, and Loki had a way of drawing you in, but a tiny detail had stuck inside your mind like a bur. That detail chafed, keeping your brain scratching at it until you came to the realization that ruined your hopes and broke your heart. Like an oyster with a grain of sand, you'd started covering that thought in layers until your mind could glide over it easily without any scraping or stumbling.

Loki, on the other hand, was always there, both when you wanted him and not. He acted as though he had decided you were the only person in the compound he could stand for more than a few minutes. You suspected he liked plenty of people way more than he let on, but he seemed devoted to his persona of smug superiority. Unfortunately, this meant when Loki got bored, he came looking for you. Being forced to behave himself and stay in the compound did not amuse or entertain him so he came looking for you a lot. As a matter of fact, he came looking for you all. the damn. time.

You adored Loki, truly. It wasn't that you objected to spending time with him. It was that you could not make him care about the fact that you had other things to do. He had no qualms about interrupting your workday, no matter how many times you asked him not to, leading to plenty of afterhours catch-up. He thought most of what you did was stupid, so he didn't give two shits about getting in the way of it. It was strangely admirable, his dedication to not giving a fuck.

The problem was that Loki didn't cause as much trouble when you were catering to his whims and dancing attendance upon him. To be fair, Loki didn't really cause trouble; it was more that he subtly arranged circumstances in favor of the most dramatic or disastrous outcome. He loved to sit back and watch fireworks he'd personally arranged. When you'd confided your difficulties in Pepper, she had assured you that time spent placating Loki would be considered work time if for no other reason than that it gave everyone else a break. At her direction, you had been spending most of your time at the compound to make it easier for you to tend to him and make the team members' lives a little easier while Loki was in residence.

Which is how you knew, when he strode into your office with an air of impatience, you'd be giving in to his whims after a sham refusal you'd enact purely for form.

"I’m bored." Loki burst into the room the way he did everything, with an arrogance that bordered on contempt. Perhaps it was a sign of something wrong with you, but Loki's attitude, rather than offending you, perfectly tickled the perverse part of your sense of humor.

You didn't even look up from your paperwork. You were entirely too familiar with this tune to do more than absently bob your head along with the beat. You scoffed. "I care."

Loki stared holes in the top of your head, not that it ever seemed to bother you. But then you often reacted in unexpected ways. Is that why he kept scratching at you? If he could understand you, predict your behavior, would you finally bore him as much as most humans? "Why, exactly, do you do this?" he asked, as he settled into one of the chairs in front of your desk.

"No, it’s fine." You rolled your eyes but kept your eyes off Loki. You knew from experience that once you looked at him, he would consider the acknowledgement as validation and you'd spend the rest of the day answering his questions. "I’m not trying to parse legalese right now or anything."

Loki stayed silent. He refused to repeat himself. Also, he'd noticed that his silence seemed to exasperate you faster than anything else. He examined his cuticles while he waited for the quiet to do its work.

For a while, the only sound in the room was the brush of fabric as either of you shifted position and the whisper of each turn of the page. You often printed legalese like this out so that you could mark on it without the risk of sending something like 'who the fuck does this asshole think he is?' to the asshole in question. You vowed to keep doing it, if for no other reason than that it was so much more dramatic than rolling a scroll button on a mouse.

You could tell by the quality of the hush that settled over the room that Loki was in one of his more difficult moods, meaning that he would only get more and more petulant the longer you put him off. Though you hated to do it as a matter of principle, you knew giving in would cost you far less time and annoyance than pretending to allow him to irritate you into paying attention to him. The pragmatist in you would not allow you to stand on principle when there was no benefit to you other than self-righteousness.

You gave an exaggerated sigh as marked your place in the document with a quickly scrawled LNA, your code for Loki Needs Attention and the current time. Pepper had asked you to keep track of how much time you were spending dancing attention on the Asgardian prince, though you didn’t include the time you gave on your off-hours.

You placed the document into a file folder, closing it carefully and placing your interlaced fingers on top as you made it clear you were focusing on Loki under protest and with utmost exasperation.  "Why do I do what?"

Loki smiled inwardly even as his face moved into a sneer. "This!" He swept his arm out to take in the room they sat in. "Labor for these people?"

"Okay." You infused as much doubt as you could into the word. You looked around at your very nice office and decided not to ask what exactly he found so distasteful. "Two reasons. First, I love the things money can buy, like food and shelter and liquor. Second, because I’m fucking awesome at it. We done?" You lifted your eyebrows at him in the kind of bored disdain you knew he'd find most challenging, and thus most entertaining.

Loki matched your tone as he stood to wander the room and examine the furnishings. He did this every time. "I’d ask what you do in here, but frankly I don’t care."

You shot him a toothy grin and a beam of sarcastic cheer. "Great. Bye."

Loki didn't deign to answer this time. He knew he had you now. He could almost hear your mind rationalizing the decision to simply give in and give him what he wanted. In his experience, it was always best to let people manipulate themselves. He meandered over to the bookshelves, as he often did, where you had books and photographs taking up most of one long wall. Some of the books were work related, but plenty were from your personal collection.

Every time he came into this room, he liked to take a different book down from the shelf and skim through it. Your preferred reading material told him a great deal about you. Loki needed to understand you if he was to accurately assess the situation. He also liked to examine a different photo in the hopes of deciphering why you smiled like a lunatic in every picture you were in. He suspected it was something to hide behind, similar to his own superior smirk.

Loki eyes slid over the titles, looking for anything somewhat interesting that he hadn't already tried. He found human society largely boring if not aggravating, but he couldn't help but enjoy the art. He considered it mostly primitive, but with a raw energy that made it compelling. The depth and breadth of human art was the most impressive thing about the species, he thought. Not that that was saying much.

You were already bored watching him amble around your office. "Oh my god! You win; I don’t want to fight." Loki turned away from the bookcase with a smug smile. You laughed as soon as you saw it and rolled your eyes indulgently. "I’ll make you a deal. Give me an hour to take care of the most pressing matters, and at the end of that hour, I will set everything else aside to cater to your whims and find something to entertain you." You leveled a wryly amused look his way; you were both convinced you were outwitting the other but if you were honest the two of you just liked the drama of it.

Loki's face spread in a wickedly pleased smile and you couldn't help the little twinge of attraction that shimmered through you. Hell, you were faithful, not dead. Fairly gloating, Loki turned to leave. "I’ll be back in an hour."

"Outstanding,” you replied with a thin smile.

As Loki opened the door, Bucky was raising his fist to knock on it. The two men glared at one another for a moment before Bucky rolled his eyes and stepped back, sweeping his arm out in a mockery of gallantry. Loki sneered but walked by without comment.

"Hey, doll." Once Loki was out of the way, Bucky poked his head through the door. "You got a minute?"

You replied with a flirty smile and batted eyelashes. "For you? Always." Bucky smiled sweetly as he came in and shut the door. He looked a little uncomfortable as he took the seat Loki had recently vacated. "Uh-oh," you said with widened eyes and raised brows. "Is everything okay?"

"I don't know. Is it?" Bucky was still looking a little uncomfortable, but his eyes shone with concern. You were baffled.

You looked around, your expression serious but a touch confused. "Is this a riddle?"

Bucky's face softened into a smile. "I don't see you anymore; I miss you." He leaned forward and placed his hand palm up on your desk. "If Thor isn't here, Loki is monopolizing your time."

"You have no idea," you replied with a laugh as you leaned forward to place your hand in his. You squeezed gently and would have let go if he hadn’t held on. You frowned and tilted your head. “What?”

Bucky didn’t smile, and you realized that whatever this was, he was serious. “I'm worried,” he confessed, and you could tell he was concerned that he was crossing a line. This was new territory in your friendship and such things always caused Bucky a ton of anxiety.

You felt a pang of remorse that you’d forgotten about your other friends when the Odinson brothers had come into your life. Bucky was incredibly dear to you and you knew how difficult he sometimes found living at the compound. He'd once confessed that half the time the only thing keeping him there was Steve. You sometimes suspected he relied upon your company a great deal as well, not that he'd ever said anything. You couldn't help but feel guilty for being so distracted.

Bucky let go of your hand when you stood up and walked around the desk to sit in the chair next to his. You leaned back casually and crossed your legs, hoping to make it clear by your demeanor that you did not consider the subject off-limits or over the line. “About Thor?” you inquired with a sassy smirk. “Or Loki?”

“Truth be told, both,” Bucky replied with a wry laugh, “but Loki is the more immediate threat.”

"Well, love, I have good news and bad news." You leaned your elbow on the chair arm and placed your chin on your fist. "The bad news is that Loki would drive you all mad if I didn't keep him somewhat occupied. The good news is that he's not a threat, just a pain in my ass." You dropped your hand to Bucky's forearm and squeezed gently. "I know you don't understand this, but I like Loki.'

Bucky looked down at your hand, surprised to find that it didn't bother him that you were touching his metal arm. Perhaps it was because you hadn't seemed to notice. "Why?" he asked, his voice rich with a wealth of confusion, doubt, and amused disbelief.

You laughed and used the hand on his arm to push at him. "I like smartasses. Why do you think I'm madly in love with you?"

"Fine," Bucky smiled, but his eyes still looked worried. “Just promise me that you won't make the mistake of trusting him.”

“I'll thank you to not insult my intelligence,” you scoffed in reply. When Bucky didn’t answer, just continued to watch you carefully, you rolled your eyes and answered with a wry half-smile. “Oh my god, I promise.”

“Good.” Bucky relaxed into the chair with a wicked grin. “Now, you wanna tell me everything about Thor?”

Your expression turned sly as you shot a matching grin his way. “How much time you got?”

A few days later your office door flew inward with a slam as Loki’s voice rang out. “Y/N!”

You, once again, did not bother to look up from your work. “Sure. Come on in. I'm not quite obviously terribly awfully busy or anything.”

“I don't even know what odd human things you do in here, let alone why it matters.” Loki moved to the other side of the desk and looked down his nose at you from his towering height.

You shrugged and murmured absently, “Since you're asking—"

“I most certainly am not.” Loki cut you off with a sneer.

You finally looked up at Loki, blinking to bring yourself back to the present. “Did you come in here for an actual reason, or did you just need someone to pay attention to you?”

“How is that not an actual reason?” His lips twitched ever so slightly, something you'd learned was one of his tells. He was in one of his playful moods, which was surprising considering how put out he had been the day before when you'd opted to spend your evening with Steve and Bucky. Loki had hidden it well, but he'd been irritated under the disdain when he refused to join you.

The corner of your mouth curled up just a hair as you responded. "Loki, to your astonishment I’m sure, catering to your moods is not actually in my job description."

Loki, ever mercurial, turned away from you to walk to your bookshelves. "If you’re certain you don’t have any time for me; I suppose I can amuse myself."

"I know that’s meant to send a chill down my spine." Your voice was dry as dust, but the genuine amusement came through loud and clear. "And it does, but it is not the policy of this office to negotiate with terrorists.”

"Pet," Loki's voice had taken on a strange timbre when he said the word, and it sent a literal shiver down your spine, but whether it was fear or desire you weren't entirely sure. "I’d much rather annoy you than someone else. The others aren’t as much fun."

You opted to put the sensation out of your mind. If it was fear there was little good dwelling on it would do for you. If it was desire, dwelling on it would most definitely make things worse. You answered as though his voice hadn't taken on an almost seductive tone. "If you will behave yourself for the rest of the morning, I’ll take a long lunch and give you my undivided attention the whole time. Deal?"

Loki smiled.

After you'd eaten a quick lunch, you drug Loki outside to enjoy the sunshine. Once you'd flopped down onto the grass and braced yourself on your elbows to tilt your face to the sun, you slanted a raised eyebrow in his direction. "Okay, spill. What’s your deal?"

You had your eyes closed against the light, but you could hear the sneer on his face loud and clear. "I beg your pardon?"

"Loki," you began and there was a wealth of patience in your tone. You opened one eye to fix him with a gimlet stare. "I am neither naïve nor stupid. Why are you paying so much attention to me? Is it because I'm banging your brother?"

The sneer twisted from arrogance to disgust. "For reasons that currently escape me, I actually enjoy your company." You gasped dramatically and let your muscles go limp, dropping to the ground in a mock faint. Loki rolled his eyes even as his mouth twitched. "I know. I was shocked, too."

You opened your eyes and looked up at his amused scorn. Though most wouldn't understand why, you were deeply touched. This was probably the nicest he'd ever been to a human. You smiled at him, and for once it was utterly genuine and sincere, with no sarcasm or disdain to hide behind. "Loki, are we friends?"

Loki watched you out of the corner of his eye. He had long ago learned to hide his true feelings behind whatever mask suited his needs best at any given time. He had seen in you the same tendency for all you hid behind careless charm and a sense of humor. Until this moment, however, he hadn't suspected that you hid a tender heart.

He had thought you were one like him, cynical, cold, careless. To find in your open and unguarded smile something sweet and wholesome explained one conundrum even as it raised a whole host of other problems. He felt a tiny twinge of remorse, a rarity for him even these days. He sniffed. "No. You're my pet."

"Then I expect you to start bringing me presents and treats." You closed your eyes again and spoke archly. You could tell something bothered him and assumed it was his discomfort with anything resembling sincerity or sentiment. "If I'm going to be a pet, I insist on being a spoiled one."

Loki turned his head to look at you properly. He could tell immediately what you were doing and found it both disarmingly sweet and deeply disturbing. You were far too perceptive for you own good and he still had many, many secrets to protect. "You are wasted on my brother. You know that, right?"

You hated when he did this. You steadfastly refused to discuss with Loki whatever was happening between you and Thor. Though their relationship seemed easier than you’d expected, considering the stories you’d heard from others, there was still a tension between them you didn’t understand and neither man seemed interested in explaining.

The few times Loki had commented on your relationship with Thor, he’d made it clear he disapproved. You also steadfastly refused to ask what exactly he disapproved of. You allowed Loki to tell stories from their past, but you would not talk about your present. It felt… disloyal. To both of them.

“I do not. Your brother doesn't waste a bit of me.” You kept your eyes closed but let your lips curve into a satisfied feline smile. “He uses every part.”

The horrified silence that followed had you prying one eye open to glance up at Loki. You immediately burst into fits of wicked laughter at the look of disgust and loathing you found on his face. “Why would you say such a thing to me?” he asked, his tone rich with disbelief and a hint of hurt.

“You're being a dick,” you replied with a careless shrug and a challenging grin when you’d stopped laughing.

Loki expression hardly changed, but his face took on a sinister cast that had a chill running down your spine. For the first time since you’d met him, you truly believed him capable of the things you knew he’d done. “He'll never truly appreciate you,” he mocked, both sly and cruel, “because he'll never truly understand you.”

You yawned, deliberately, as his words and demeanor were making you sick to your stomach. “You make me sound so complicated and mysterious.” You closed your eyes again, a deliberate dismissal. “It’s dumb, but I dig it.”

Loki made a sound somewhere between a scoff and a snort. “You may be able to fool those like my brother too dull and blind to see what you really are, but don’t insult me.”

“And what am I?” Your voice was harsh as you asked the question, and you sat up to look Loki full in the face. You were holding onto your temper with both hands; only the knowledge that he would love to goad you into a tantrum restraining you. “Really?”

“A realist, like me.” Loki was well aware of what he was doing. He turned his head and looked out across the grass at the main building. He wondered what it would take to truly set you off and considered it necessary to find out. “You don't concern yourself with what's right, but what's expedient.”

You frowned. This wasn’t what you were expecting, and you weren’t sure how to proceed. He was being insulting, but in a way that made you question whether that was his intent. “I prefer to think of myself as a pragmatist,” you said slowly. Your somewhat warped sense of humor rushed to the fore and you laughed as you pushed at his shoulder, not that you moved him even a little. “And I do so worry about doing what's right. I just take what's expedient into account, too.”

The corner of Loki’s mouth lifted in a small smile. Your casual shrug as you said the last only proved his point as far as he was concerned. “You also have a talent for reframing things in your favor. Of shuffling words until you're in the right. I admire that.”

“So, you're saying I'm too good for your brother because I’m too much like you?”

“No,” he chuckled. “He's too good for the both of us. I'm saying he'll never comprehend your true worth because he's too good.”

“Okay.” You weren’t sure how he’d managed to drag you into this conversation. Now that you had been, however, you desperately wanted to know why. "For the sake of argument, let's assume that I accept your premise. What's your fucking point?"

Loki finally looked at you, one brow raising in mock surprise. "Do I need one?" You raised a matching eyebrow, but yours was skeptical. Loki narrowed his eyes, his expression turning menacing. "I’m somewhat fond of you. I don’t think I’d enjoy seeing you in pain."

Unable to help yourself, even knowing you'd end up paying for it, you snickered outright. "I have bad news for you, Loki. It sure seems like you’re my friend."

The look of disgust Loki shot your way had you erupting into gales of delighted laughter. Worth it.

You never did get a straight answer out of him, but that was only to be expected. Loki could give lessons on inscrutability. You opted to file away the conversation for further contemplation at a later date.

Even though you weren't entirely sure why Loki had given you what you assumed was a warning, you were sure that Loki never did anything without reason. The reason may seem batshit crazy to you, but it was there. If he felt the need to speak on the subject, he had a purpose. However, you also couldn't discount the possibility that he was simply fucking with you for his own entertainment.

Regardless, you put it away, knowing you’d end up obsessing on it in the middle of the night during some bout of insomnia when Thor wasn’t there to exhaust you into sleep.

The next day you burst into the common kitchen in a towering rage, holding something sparkling and pink. You flung the thing at Loki’s feet, your entire demeanor pure, unbridled fight me. Pushing your face into his as best you could considering his height, you pointed imperiously at the ridiculous thing he'd left in a beautifully wrapped gift box on your desk. You shouted, your voice practically booming through the room and turning all heads your way, "Did you gift wrap a fucking leash?!"

Loki was as close to speechless as he ever got. The sight of you in a full-blown temper was something truly magnificent. Your narrowed eyes sparkled with rage and your lips parted to let furious huffs of breath through. He found it interesting that passion, whether from anger or desire, made you beautiful.

Rather than say that, however, Loki’s lips curved in an amused smile as he replied, “I thought you want to be spoiled, pet.” His expression shifted into a mockery of innocence. “Is this not what you meant?”

Loki braced for the explosion, certain he’d pushed you into losing your temper completely. Instead, the humor of the moment struck you with such force that you couldn’t stop the laughter that bubbled up inside you. He’d somehow acquired a cat collar that spelled out your name in rhinestones, for fuck’s sake.

As your expression melted from furious insult to genuine merriment, Loki felt another of those annoying pangs of remorse. It really was too bad. As humans went, you’d just become one of his favorites.

Part Six: Crucible here

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[bthump]

What do you think the odds are of Casca sacrificing Moonlight Boy like you've been hoping?

oof, idk

not completely terrible? I keep calling it a longshot hail mary hope but honestly I think a lot of the especially recent foreshadowing is pointing in that direction tbf.

Like I have my theory that the behelit is Casca’s and it’s about to open due to her Eclipse memories despair and whatnot, and I still think that’s overall a v strong theory. Fate, all those questions about whether Guts is carrying the behelit for someone, Skull Knight planning shit and using Guts and co, the suggestions that he’s in cahoots with Danann, Danann acting shady (Guts get lost Casca’s scared of you vs here Casca put on this dress and go see Guts right now), our recent lesson on dragon roads and spirit trees, tbh Flowers of Distant Days also imo foreshadows SK using Guts, little details like the fact that Elfhelm has used the power of human sacrifice as magic b4 lol (that wickerman), and ofc the familiar visual representation of Casca’s despair:

So the next two questions are: who is Casca’s sacrifice and will she go through with it?

And I think if the behelit does open, the odds are actually very high that the sacrifice will be fetus/MB and not Farnese. My #1 reason for saying this is the fact that the fetus represented her thorn-covered despair-ridden (fragile human) heart in her dreamscape. Like imo that’s pretty damn indicative.

Plus as the… shard of herself closest to the Eclipse it also seems to represent her trauma, which yk, that’s pretty common for sacrifices. Person you loved the most and hated the most, and all. And parent/child sacrifices are the most common from what we’ve seen lol.

There’s also this:

The MB first appears right after a chapter full of foreshadowing and ominous warnings. This moment is Guts watching Casca acting all motherly and shit and brooding over SK’s warning about her wishes. A lot of people seem to take this as foreshadowing that Casca is going to prioritize a baby over revenge but like… Guts wants this. Idt this is Guts fretting over Casca’s motherly instincts because he doesn’t want kids or whatever lol, imo this is Guts seeing a ray of hope for the future and wondering if it’ll be snuffed out.

Further suggested by:

She couldn’t cope with her experience, so what will she do when he forces her sanity back? This is ominous in an active, dark way that a fixation on a magic baby just isn’t likely to follow through on imo.

There’s also the werebaby thing, and if that’s what’s actually happening then presumably MB is on his way to Elfhelm right around when Casca woke up. I mean timing that dumbass reveal after Casca’s screaming cliffhanger? Hm. And handily that fucking werebaby shit means it’s now less likely that MB is going to show up and soothe Casca’s despair through her maternal instincts, which was one of my original fears, and more likely that it’s just gonna add to her despair, assuming the ridiculous truth is revealed. (Speaking of “the person you loved the most and hated the most” lmao. Like yeah, that’s so on the nose it’s comedic, but everything about werebaby is an absurd comedy so.)

As for whether she’ll actually go through with the sacrifice or whether she’ll refuse or be interrupted by plot, that’s unfortunately dicier.

On the pro side you have “what will she do?” Meaning she should do something, not fail to do something. You have all the foreshadowing re: Guts losing himself to the armour for a while, which he needs a catalyst for. I can’t think of anything more well-suited for that than Casca, the symbol of his humanity, essentially sacrificing his hope for the future (and incidentally the very thing that likely keeps saving him from the armour), becoming a monster, and (I guess) Griffith suddenly appearing lmao. And there’s the fact that Casca becoming a monster would be an extremely convenient way for Miura to avoid writing a realistic v traumatized woman while not bypassing or underselling her trauma.

And structurally we’re at the point where something tragic has to happen to fuck things up and drive things forward and finally deliver on the assloads of ominous foreshadowing that Guts is willfully ignoring.

On the con side you have Farnese’s hope that her friendship with Casca will be enough and tbf there’s an arc’s worth of development behind that. And something someone else does could be what causes Guts to succumb to the armour - like learning SK has betrayed him or something maybe.

And this whole werebaby situation is a double-edged sword in regards to this theory.

On one hand it’s timely, like I mentioned above, and it’s an indication that MB is going to be present for whatever shit’s about to go down, and probably in a way that makes things worse rather than better. Sacrificing the kid would also get the story back on what at least I consider its track, rather than fully derailing it into wacky magic baby world.

But on the other hand, let’s be real here: it’s so fucking ridiculous and bizarre that it almost feels like it has to be the new centrepiece of the plot. Go big or go home. As wildly weird as it is to completely derail three relationships that have more than enough build up to carry the plot all on their own, one can argue it’s even weirder to introduce a magic werebaby that completely derails those relationships only to neutralize it a couple chapters later.

Like if Miura’s willing to go that fucking stupid, then yeah I’m completely willing to believe he’d commit to it and make Casca’s new conflict the fact that her rapist periodically transforms into her magic child. Why not? Werebaby has dissolved all the faith I had in his ability as a writer. I no longer have that intrinsic belief that Berserk will ultimately make sense, resolve in a satisfying way, and generally work as a whole to fall back on lol.

So anyway, all that said, let’s just lay out the possibilities:

1. Casca does not sacrifice MB, maybe I’m entirely wrong about everything or maybe she turns down the offer/plot happens and she doesn’t get a chance. The fact that Griffith transforms into a baby every full moon is the new big plot point and character motivation. Story’s functionally over, everyone go home.

2. Casca does not sacrifice MB, the fact that Griffith transforms into a baby every full moon is a new big plot point, and will probably be the central issue of Casca’s narrative, but it won’t significantly alter Guts and Griffith’s relationship. Griffith’s feelings for Guts are still real and gonna bite him, Guts will still focus more on Griffith than the werebaby thing, Casca’s narrative is gonna suck like a black hole, everything’s gonna be weird. This would be incredibly awkward and horrifically bad writing, but honestly I feel like this might actually be the most probable option lol. I mean I’ve always acknowledged that fetus is probably a factor in Griffith saving Casca even while arguing it’s irrelevant to most of Griff’s feelings, I just didn’t think its relevance would end up being this silly lol.

3. Casca does sacrifice MB, this essentially cures Griffith of his infanthropy, and the original hint of babality we saw at the Hill of Swords essentially existed to set up hopeful expectations of Griffith’s ~big weakness~ before climatically dashing them when everything goes wrong for Our Heroes. Moment of hilarious triumph for Griff, low point for Guts and co.

4. Casca does sacrifice MB, this negates the werebaby thing but still affects Griffith negatively in another way - maybe ironically he’s a sacrifice himself now which causes problems for him, or handily negates the apostle worship effect for Casca. And/or because of this sacrifice Elfhelm succeeds in some plan of their own and maybe fucks up both Guts and co and Griffith, or idk, something. This makes werebaby potentially relevant enough to (theoretically) justify its existence as more than just a weird ass bait and switch/plot point to get both Griffith and MB to Elfhelm lol, while also not actually focusing on Griffith being a werebaby as a major plot point. Win/win.

It’s like… I think it’s pretty likely that the behelit will open for Casca and if that happens I think it’s pretty likely that MB will be the sacrificial offering, and if that happens I think it’s pretty likely Casca will say yes, and if that happens I think it’s pretty likely that we’ll be saved from werebaby. But that’s a lot of hope resting on hope, especially when the odds recently got a lot higher that I’m just totally on a completely different wavelength than Miura lol.

Anyway ty for asking. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst I guess.

[pelikinesis]

thoughts on Gintama and Gintoki

just kinda thinking about the general thing about Gintama’s basic plot premise for Gintoki specifically--that he gave up everything he had fighting a world-threatening conflict and his side lost, and nowadays is generally known as an unmotivated slacker, and how smaller-scale injustices he encounters on an annoyingly regular basis drag him out of his apathy and alienation (pun intended) for brief periods, and how over the seasons there’s more of a cumulative effect

but through it all he constantly claims he’s just acting against this current identity of his, mostly because he feels like it. because even though he literally can’t help it to help the downtrodden around him, he still can’t believe in a grander cause like he used to, because whatever part of the brain or soul that makes that kind of more traditional virtuousness and devotion and duty broke a long time ago.

yet in those haphazard, fleeting moments of genuine heroism he can still kind of taste his former life and the aftermath of a war that his former comrades in arms are all responding to in their own ways, and the neat contrasts that come from that. 

Katsura is the diehard who fights for a lost cause that the rest of them have given up on, and is seen as both silly and noble for it. Then there’s Takasugi (burn scar guy) who last I watched was just completely nihilistic and causing chaos for its own sake, so he still is seen as powerful but devoid of any goodness, and Sakamoto (afro sunglasses pilot guy) who actually abandoned the war prematurely (seemingly on good terms with everyone else) to pursue his own dreams, and so while he’s in comparison lacking in commitment he has the most to show for it afterwards being the most successful out of all of them and he contributes to good causes.

Gintoki is the slacker, the loser of the bunch. Even more than the others, his personality during and after the war are the most different. He couldn’t cling to his ideals like Katsura even if he tried. He’s too good a man to give into nihilistic destruction like Takasugi. He lacks an alternative, peace time-appropriate ambition like Sakamoto. Gintoki reverts from a fearsome warrior into an unimpressive everyman with no discernable positive future, much like Hasegawa (who is an incredible character in his own right and also mirrors Gintoki in a lot of ways).

And with most anime with Gintama’s general plot elements, it would be one or two encounters and then Gintoki’s warrior soul is fully and more or less permanently reawakened and he goes on to right all the wrongs and destroy the ultimate evil. In Gintama though, there’s an anticlimax (and probably no ultimate evil), where Gintoki more or less pulls off a Big Damn Heroes moment and saves the day, and all his friends remember he’s not completely apathetic, and that he’s actually totally a badass. 

But after it’s done, he just goes back to being a total sclub. The adventures he gets sucked into and the characters he meet continue to accumulate and the stakes of things escalate but it’s a very gradual process, and it’s only now with this more recent watch-through (and several months of not watching it but now my brain is bringing it up) that i actually see why.

Gintoki continues to refuse the call of adventure because he’s still healing spiritually from the war. He continues to make exceptions and does more-or-less heroic deeds for those around him and those that come into his personal sphere, because that’s still possible for him. But to get involved in anything more ambitious would be...proactive. And the last time he was proactive, his side lost, and the entire planet suffered. 

So Gintoki becomes an oxymoron, a walking contradiction, and when I first watched Gintama I saw him as being willfully ignorant, as being selfish in a short-sighted way. But that’s why Gintoki is so self-conscious about coming off acting like an ally of justice. he doesn’t want anyone to count on him in that way, not again, because the last time it didn’t work out so well.

Maybe Gintoki is effectively short-sighted, and selfish, and all that, but his motivation for being that way is considerably more complex than some tautological moral deficiency. that aversion and reluctance from his past traumatic experiences are so powerful they fundamentally alter not only his behavior and sense of physical and psychological self-preservation, but even impact the way he’s able to consciously understand his own motivation.

And he doesn’t seem actively concerned about this. He just takes things in stride. Probably the biggest reason everyone sees him as an uncaring loser is that he’s more than happy to be living a simpler life for the time being, a cleaner backdrop for him to learn how to find meaning in life, and finding it in his friends and in his community, instead of under a military banner (though this gets played with in the episodes where he has to protect an idol since her fanboys have banners).

not really sure why i’m thinking about this now, of all times (probably because weed), but it’s the case that the first time I watched Gintama, I hadn’t ever really experienced a major failure, or a major loss, so that wasn’t an aspect of the story I was equipped to truly understand.

‘slow burn’ is a term I’ve seen applied to romance genre fanfic, but this might be the first time i realized it could apply to a different genre. I think (and again I’ve only watched like the first 50 episodes) that Gintama is a slow burn redemption story, which is closer to real life than what we usually see, the montage version. I got the impression that Greg from Steven Universe was also getting a slow burn redemption arc as a supporting character, though it’s less redemption and more recovery, perhaps. 

there’s more prominent examples of the opposite, slow burn corruption stories as is the case with Breaking Bad, and NBC’s Hannibal. And Justified was more or less a double turn between the main protagonist and antagonist. Or maybe just more accurate to say that the antihero and the antivillain both kind of met up in the middle. and then there’s Naoki Urasawa’s Monster, which is where Dr. Tenma is working towards what he thinks of as redemption by trying to kill Johann, seemingly determined to do it the entire way until the end, but by not killing Johann, that’s what truly completed his redemption narrative.

might have to give at least some of these another watch-through, and most likely going to pick up Gintama again.

[deliadexaerisofficialuniver-blog]

I had to get out a lot of feelings today. I feel like one of the biggest blessings I've had in my life lately (for the past five months now) has been stability, and that was such an important determining factor in a decision I made now about two months ago. Basically after a fight that started when I was venting my depressed feelings, I was pressured to decide whether I was still wanting to try a relationship again with someone, the idea came up of someone moving here where I am now, and after that fight, and really just the whole slew of triggering and degrading conversations, abusive texts, emails, etc. I'd endured in the previous months trying to reconnect to make up for my wrongs in the situation, I decided I wasn't really comfortable with thinking about that, and suddenly I was back on the defensive, which, just no. That made the decision that much easier. It's never okay for someone to use a "no" as a reason to go back on the attack.

It became very obvious that all they ever wanted was control. Since then I've gotten harassing, abusive emails threatening to do whatever it took to ruin my public life, and I have no idea what's gone on since and I still really don't care to know or involve myself in engaging with any of it, and just can't see it ever being the case that I would, or that it could be worth my time in any way. I feel like if I've learned anything from this particular experience of my life, it's that it's not as hard to tell when someone just wants control over you for their own reasons, whatever those reasons may be, as I tried to act like it was, I was just living a life in denial, making excuses for why it was okay for someone else to intentionally sabotage my mental health to the point of sabotaging my stability so many times, and for me to just forgive and forgive and keep taking it without a single sorry, a single acknowledgement.

Basically, I'm not into allowing myself to be provoked anymore. The truth is that if someone really loves you, ever really loved you, when things end, there eventually does come a point when, even if there ever was ugliness, call-outs, whatever it is, it stops. They stop trying to be right and start trying to figure out where they became wrong and fix it, or at the very least, the leave you alone. They stop breaking into what few safe spaces you have for yourself. They don't make it their mission to ruin your life, take everything you have when there's hardly anything left but the will to wake up and say "maybe life will be worth it if I just keep going."

They always had a safe space to go back to, I never had a safe space with them, or to retreat to. Only the barest of what was left of my mental health after the experiences of early 2016 to break over and over again, a process which started pretty immediately, and has basically only ended in the sense that I'm 'choosing not to engage with it, knowing that the only desire there is the desire to break me in every way they can, because they think that just because I let them so many times before means I'll just keep letting them.

Anyway, in new relationships, and living where I've been for 5 months, all I can say about where I am now is that I actually feel like I have a family for the first time in a long time, and unlike last time, in North Carolina, where I got drugged, beaten, raped, told it was punishment for my faults in my marriage, and left to die, it doesn't feel like an illusion. It doesn't feel like it's too good to be true.

There's no fighting, no intentional triggering, no one yelling in my face, laughing in faux disbelief while I cry and beg for space so I can break out of a dissociative self-harm fit and stop cutting until someone else has to literally physically pull them out of my space. There's no fear of the next time I'll get dragged into series of fights that keep me up for days at a time, until I can't even remember what bullshit trap started it. For five months, as long as I've followed my roommates' and therapist's advice of avoiding willfully subjecting myself to a blatantly toxic situation in denial of the obvious truth that no change would ever occur, I've known what it's like to be surrounded by NORMALCY.

I go to work, I come home, my primary treats me like a human being. Our roommates treat me like part of the family. We spend quality time together. We all have our limitations, we all work together to accomplish a functional life. I have an appointment scheduled for my vaginoplasty. I'm getting mental health care in the form of therapy and medication management. I'm finally managing to work through my trauma from 2016 and even before instead of letting it dominate my life. I'm getting to the point where actually putting up content might be possible again. Feeling like I have a voice to talk about important shit feels like it might be possible again. I don't feel the need to fear my partner, or that they've been grab some strand in the web of he said's and she said's. Some of the wires were harder to see at first, maybe some are still invisible even to people who've chosen to catch themselves up in it, but I know where it goes, where it came from, who's willing to say what to maintain the illusion, and who's not worth putting my own life on the line to pull out of it.

Basically all that matters now is that I'm done not listening to my intuitions, I'm done accepting anything less than a world where I'm treated like a human being and don't have to keep myself on guard against crazy-making, abuse, etc.

I'm done letting obsessive people weave their webs around me.

If you ever really loved someone, and you can't get over it, that's a reason to get mental help. If you let it drag you into a war with them, it was never really love. Finally accepting that perspective has empowered me to let go of the pain of wondering who's love was real or not, and even feeling so taken advantage of the times I fell into illusions. I can just accept that if they loved me, things would be different, accept that yes, I was hurt, yes, I was taken advantage of, in my gullibility, but that is in the past. I can make a choice to only accept love that is real. I can make a choice to never rely on anyone but myself to look out for me so that I can never fool myself into believing that fake love is real again just for a semblance of false safety.

A struggle on your own is better than the illusion of safety with someone else who might just be a bomb waiting to go off. I'd rather be free to do what I need to take care of myself, and my new partners, roommates, and friends than trap myself in a world of accepting empty actions that come with endless expectations and price-tags. Love is free, it doesn't come on terms of what's expected in return, especially ownership, and I have to accept how many times I've felt like I basically amounted to a thing that could be owned, bought, through kindness in the past. This is part of what I refuse to ever go back to, that, and the manufactured instability.

That being said, this is *NOT* a post for call-outs, this is *NOT* a post for name-calling, and I'm also absolutely not gonna tolerate people engaging with anyone trying to perpetuate some kind of war in any direction. Do I have things to say? Absolutely. Did I have my faults as well? Yes. I feel as though I've been quite clear to that end. I'm a human being.

So is anyone and everyone I've ever had to deal with violence, social or otherwise, or abuse from in any form. Where I mark the difference is that rarely, some of those people actually make right for it. That's basically happened once, and I dropped everything with it. Once, I've had a former abuser come back to me in order to apologize and make right for it. Every other time, they've chosen to start an obsessive war over my life, and I've basically had the choice to engage it, or ignore it, which I feel like they've taken as their ability to silence me, but I feel like it's possible to speak up about our lives and experiences without engaging in the toxicity, and that's important.

When I get back to content making, that is definitely something I plan to do, because if anything, the entire point of everything any of my abusers have said/done in the time since I escaped has been to try to silence me.

I've been thinking about call-out culture, and my own role in it, and realizing that the biggest disservice we do to ourselves in engaging in it is to give our abusers exactly the attention they want in order to twist whatever they want to the people who may be too close to, or too far from a situation. We allow our abusers to make our lives, our stories about them. We give them the attention they crave and feed off of.

I'm done with it. If I vague-post, it's because I refuse to hand my narrative over to people who only want to hurt me, drag me down, rob me of the life I already robbed myself of for 27 years. If I never speak an ex's name again, it's because I'm done making my life about them when they never deserved it,, and as someone with a long history of Stockholm's and silence in the face of abuse until it's "too late," there's really just not time to get caught up in the details of every minutia of every way anyone has ever chosen to hurt me anyway. That would be getting caught up in resentment, living in the past. I choose to live in the present for the sake of my own future. If other people want to live in the past, that's their choice, but I refuse to let them drag me there.

My life is important to talk about, and so I will, but I can do it without letting people who feel miserable just seeing me not suffering drag me to keep re-living parts of it that are already behind me.

I choose to be who I am today, and never let anyone take that from me again. I refuse to ever let anyone take the changes and growth I've been through from me again for their own twisted desire to make me who I *WAS*. I've been imperfect. I will never not be imperfect, but if I've left something behind me, I refuse to let anyone else shove it back onto me when it will only drag me back down. I choose to be more every day the person I was meant to be, and live the life I was meant to live, and abandon the shell I've outgrown, and used to call "me." I refuse to give my time to anything or anyone who would rather keep me there, whatever their reasons.

I've been a different woman every day since I've come out. Some changes were for the better, sometimes changes have dragged me down, been for the worse, but as change remains the only constant, I will endeavor to keep making it in positive directions. People who want to be a part of that can. People who want to relish in dwelling in the past for the sake of drama or whatever other reason aren't people I'm gonna shed a tear for missing.

Much as I hate to say it, coming out and facing immediate social violence taught me pretty quickly that there's no such thing as any amount of happiness, "good" feelings, etc. in the past of *any* relationship to make it worth carrying around and mourning when people show their true colors, buy into bullshit, etc. Sad as it is, to an extent, this is just a woman's life. Our lives have drama by default. Other women will use that to try to manipulate our lives, the lives around us, any way they can, other women will relish it, and non-women will fall for it every time, and that's just the way it is. So, people in my past can call me whatever they want, it'll never be anything that every other woman hasn't already been called before.

That doesn't mean I have to take it.

I have a stable life now, and I'll find my way to move that life to better places, and share the blessings along the way with the people I love. Sure, I'm sure there will be fights, bad days, nothing will ever be perfect, but it's gotten a lot easier to tell the difference between what's normal, and what's a whole armada of red flags. It's become easier to listen to my intuition and tell the desperate little girl inside full of learned helplessness to shut up, put on her big girl panties and stay away from ever letting that kind of bullshit pull me down into a prison of convenience and lying to myself again.

[1800areyouslapping]

Yandere/Dark!Scion Hanzo x Sister!Reader. Warnings: Angst/Non-Con/Physical Abuse/Shaming. A general bad time. 

After a long, in-depth meeting about the future of the empire now that’s it’s dead, unsightly weight had been successfully cut from its haunches, the elders instructed Hanzo to investigated and figure out why exactly, and for what better be a good reason, you had decided not to join to solidify your place in the new era of the Shimada reign.

Finding you, with a backpack open on the bed; refusing to so as much acknowledge him as he entered your room, was the very last thing Hanzo was looking to find. He would have rather you had been sickly and bedridden. Held at knifepoint by assassins, kidnapped, rather than have you willfully defying both his and the elders' orders. 

“Where are you going?” Hanzo demanded of his sister; of you. His sister who looked more tired than he’s ever seen her. Heavy bags under your eyes and a deep frown that seemed to be your permanent state of face in those days. 

“I don’t know,” you said quietly. Stuffed more clothes inside of your bag, and shrugged your shoulders, a quiver in your chin that also is commonplace. “Just- I don’t know... but I’m not staying here.” 

“Yes. You. Are.” Hanzo took a threatening step into the room. The pressure in his chest was overwhelming and his heart was beating so hard against his ribs he could hardly hear over the blood as it coursed through his ears. 

You couldn’t leave. He couldn’t allow you to just walk out the door and forsake your family name. Hanzo would not have his own sister embarrassing him by being so blatantly, freely defiant. Leaving when the empire’s in need of the very last two Shimadas it has. 

“Yes. I. Am.” The look you gave him was full of nothing but daggers, a sharp hiss in your voice. That jaw gradually losing its ability to remain still as tears started to roll down your cheeks. Standing your ground you held your head high and challenged him. “What you’re gonna do? Huh?! Murder me?” you spat. 

Anger like a white-hot sword sliced from his head to his toes. A painful wash of it carried by your tidal wave of words. That you would say something so harsh, it twisted the guts in his belly and made him feel weak. Hanzo is the leader now and you of all people should have been mindful, cooperative enough to respect that and understand. “You’re not leaving!” he growled the statement loudly. His voice boomed around the room, echoed out into the garden. 

As you zipped up your bag you shook your head from side to side, tight-lipped, and looking bitter. Angrier than he’d ever seen his baby sister look. Nearly broke the bag when it refused to work with you. When you finally got it to close you started to cry. Shaking, and semi-delirious you really gave him a piece of your mind. 

“There was a time when I would have done anything for you guys. Anything. As long as it was the family against the world--” pausing you looked around the room as if trying to find ghosts of what used to be-- “there was nothing... any of us could have done to prevent what happened to Papa-- but Genji?” Your voice cracked, bottom lip protruded out with a quiver. 

“I did what was necessary,” he said low. Hands clenched into fists. Jaw a tight, sharp line. “He was a liability. A fool. He betrayed us!” 

“Keep telling yourself that.” Then you picked up your bag and threw it over your shoulder. Looked out your open balcony mournfully. The night was far too cool and serene, a light wind that brought in pleasant smells of cherry blossoms, for the heavy aura that was settled in your room. “Papa never would have allowed this to happen...” 

“That’s enough. Father is dead, I am the leader now, and you need to grow up! You will show me the same respect and obedience you gave father.” 

Slowly you turned back toward him. A scowl on your face, your nose turned up. Took deliberate, planted steps towards him as you sized him up. “Just because you put on a nice suite--” your eyes fell, heavily scrutinizing his wrist-- “dare to wear his watch... doesn’t make you Papa; it never will.”

“I will live up to his legacy and you will be here to witness it.” 

“Maybe,” you said shaking your head in selective agreement, “maybe I will witness it. But it won’t be at your side.” Clearly, you thought the conversation was over and that you had won. Made a move to walk around him and out the door. “Good luck, Brother,” you said sincerely, in a whisper.

His arm like a coiled snake at his side struck and grabbed a hold of your arm. The leather of his glove groaned as his fingers dug into your arm. Maybe... if Hanzo tried to level with you. Was... sincere it would have made a difference. He should have known better. “You are all I have left,” he pleaded. Quiet baritones. Words and emotions bared that were too weak for boisterous tones. 

“And who’s fault is that?” Looking down at the hand entrapping you, you tugged once and demanded, “let go of my arm, Hanzo.”    

All Hanzo could think to do in that moment was grab you by both of your arms and kiss you. Ripped the backpack from your back, tearing straps, and shoved you against the wall of your door. Harsh. Teeth mashed against teeth. Tounge pressed against unwilling lips. It hurt both him and you. You squirmed, thrashed your head from side to side, and cursed at him. Exclamations muffled from behind hard pressed lips. Every little protest sent a jolt of jarring electricity through his body. He hated the feeling. You were supposed to yield to him.

When you managed to finally get your arm between his and your bodies you pounded on his chest. Tried to push and rip yourself away from his bruising grasp on your arms. Until finally in a last-ditch effort, you bit his lip hard enough for you both to taste copper.

Hanzo let you go then, but not for long. Just long enough for you to whisper through clenched teeth, “we are not that close anymore.”

Hanzo couldn’t hold it back any longer. The anger. The shame you were making him face came out in the form of a swift backhand across your face. You fell to the ground with a high pitched yelp. And before you could try to get back up Hanzo planted a foot against your face. Kept you beneath him, where you belonged.  

“Eye for an eye,” he reasoned when you looked up at him, aghast. Hanzo whipped the blood away from his swollen bottom lip and showed it to you to further his point. 

“Just-- let me go,” you pleaded. “You don’t need me here.” 

“What are you going to accomplish out in the real world? Outside of this luxury you’ve had your whole life, koneko.” You winced at the affectionate name your Papa used to call you. That moment is the first time Hanzo had ever uddered that word to you. Hanzo presses his foot harder onto your face. Leaned slight more amounts of weight for every wiggle of your protesting body. “All you’ve ever learned to be is a walking cunt for this family. Remember your place.”

Stunned silent (finally) you started to cry harder. Ass wiggled more desperately as he started to undo his belt. Took his time slipping the leather out from under the cool metal that housed it. The harder you tried to resist the more weight he pressed against your face. Until you were whimpering in pain and trying to remove his foot with uncomfortably angled arms. Nothing allowing you any leeway with Hanzo outweighing you by a mile. 

With his belt loose he roughly unzipped his pants and pulled out his raging hard cock. Hanzo never thought of himself as a sadist. Perhaps it wasn’t the cries or pleas to relieve the pressure on your jaw, but the fact that he had full say in whether or not you would be granted that relief; and the harsh, chest heaving pumping adrenaline that had him gripping a hot, blood-rich cock in his fist.

Only when Hanzo was ready to straddle your thighs did he take his foot from your face. As he knelt down, he shoved the small of your back roughly. Your hips met the ground with a thud and grunt from your mouth. Now that you were prone, the fight just started to dissipate from your body he was easily able to tug your leggings and underwear down enough to expose your ass and the pretty pussy he was used to having free reign of. Only now it belonged to him and only him. No more sharing, no more swallowing down harsh feelings or jealousy over what he used to felt you should only be spreading open for him.  

Just when Hanzo thought he’d get the obedience he came here seeking, you started to sob attention drawlingly loud. That wouldn’t do so Hanzo reached forward and cupped a strong hand over your mouth and demanded, “be quiet!” And since you were not to be trusted he kept his hand there, craned your neck back and kept you as quiet as he could. Took his cock in his free hand, rubbed the fat ruddy head against your folds, glistened them with pre-cum before losing his patience, in no mood for teasing Hanzo roughly speared your hole. Stretched you open quickly enough for it to burn. You took in a sharp breath in response to the intrusion, hands clenched into fists. 

As Hanzo slowly started to rock into you. Deep in your heat. Hips flush with your ass. His cock disappeared entirely from sight. Tucked snugly in your tight cunt and shrouded by the folds of his open pants. Angrily he fucked you, Hanzo found himself growling, working up to a brutalizing pace. His pointer and thumb gradually came together from across your cheeks. Until he not only had your mouth securely covered but also had your nose pinched shut, cutting off your air supply. Immediate panic made your back go rigid and all of the fight came back in full force.  

“You will understand this,” Hanzo snarled. Leaned forward to make sure you heard every word he said by stating his truth right into your ear. “I will kill you before I let you leave me. And I will hurt you to ensure you don’t make a fool of yourself in the elders' eyes.” 

To make sure his point dug deep, he held ‘til the noncoherent begging for air and pointless fighting came to a near stop. Only when he was sure you were about to pass out did he release you. Uncovered your nose and mouth. 

You gasped raspily for breath. Sobbed pitifully, but quietly. So Hanzo used your shoulders for leverage. Both hands holding you down as he slammed into you. Fast-paced, hitting you deep and roughly. His endurance kept him going at it, using you raw. Until you were near silent and the only sounds that permeated the room were his grunts, the occasional moan from you, and the sick sounds of your big brother fucking you into submission. 

Usually when Hanzo’s cock start to swell, when it pulsed inside of your body he’d pull out and spill his seed on whatever large patch of skin was the most convenient. But this time he only thrusted in and settled deep, spurted scolding hot ribbons of cum. Stayed there ‘til the blood began to retreat, and his length started to soften. Using your back he shoved himself back. Sat back on his thighs while he put his wet, cream covered cock back in his pants and watched as your cunt seeped lines of milky white. 

As Hanzo stood up he said, “I will call another meeting to order tomorrow. So you may have another chance to show the elders your loyalty to me.” Hanzo tugged on his vest, smoothed out the wrinkles that formed on his pants. Ran his hands through his tousled hair. “I expect you to be there. Be on time. Or there will be consequences. Do you understand me, Aneki?” 

“Yes,” you said with volition and hateful inflection. Now that Hanzo’s head was starting to uncloud, the red-hot emotion giving away to a tinge of guilt in his belly, he crouched down intent to help you get back up. But as he reached out to gently grasp ahold of your arm that time you swatted him away. “Just leave!” You shouted. Eyes bulged a moment later with fear before adding, “please.”

“As you wish,” he said, deadpan. He stood back up, slid your door open and said, “I will retrieve you in the morning.” He left you as you demanded, but not without ordering guards to stand at your door, a couple below your balcony.  

[marquis1305]

Dancing

I stole @hoehoehoelt‘s Nico once more for a further take on our Dales Royalty Au. Set shortly after Kaili’s engagement to Nelaros. With Nelaros as a Marquis, Kaili as a Duchess, and Nico as Prince of the Dales.

The ring fit her finger perfectly.  

Kaili didn't know if she should be happy or terrified. How long had her father planned this? When had he even had time considering all the troubles they had recently had in their estates. Kaili knew she wasn't supposed to know as much as she did regarding the troubles, but now, it all made sense.  

She was their solution.  

Engaged. It felt like a collar being snapped around her neck. A leash that could lead her away from the duties she had here at court.  

That would force her from her Prince's side.

The gentleman who now wore a matching ring, crafted at her father's behest, was one she had danced with on several occasions. Nelaros was sweet, deserving of so much more than Kaili could be. He was a good man, honest, hardworking. He had earned his title due to service to the king, rather than having it been handed down by an ancestral line. She knew how unusual such nobility had become.

It was also the reason why his family was willing to overlook her reputation. Why her father was willing to make a match with a lesser family.

The 'Duchess of Darkness', that is what the common folk called her, and many nobles as well. Whispers of her being a ruthless killer, or possible a vampire, a witch, a whore. So many different rumors made it nigh impossible for her father to make a proper match.  

Nelaros had dismissed all of that.  Said that it didn't matter. That it was Kaili that he was drawn to, that he had fallen for.  

How rare that she would be placed in a match born of love.  

It was something to be celebrated.  

Which was exactly why she was currently being laced into her best gown. Deep blue silks, to match her eyes, with silver lace overlays. The colors of her house. Her dark curls piled artfully atop her head, with braids places just so to keep it all in place. Zephyr always knew just how to make Kaili appear more than she was.  

Tonight she would show the entire court how proud her family was, how happy the match made her.

Even as she wore black lace at her throat, with a stone set in the center. A stone that matched another man's eyes.  

Eyes that now peaked at her from the vantage of her mirror.  

"Your father requested that I come check on you, apparently Aya has already begun to mingle with the guests. Cyrion is worried that your delay might reflect badly on the evening." Nico almost mumbled the words, his face as stoic as ever. Kaili could only tell by the soft wilt of his ears that the evening had any effect on him at all.

"Of course, Zeph was just helping me finish touch up my hair." She forced the smile in her tone. Kaili knew that tonight was a happy event, she was happy, she had to be.  

"Then we should hurry on our way. Your fiancé is eager to make announcements."

Her heart dropped. Of course Nico knew, he was hosting the event in his court. Why wouldn't he have known.  

"And I am eager for them to be made, my prince," standing, she pressed a quick hug to Zephyr. Pressing a gently kiss to her handmaid's cheek. Knowing that this hurt Zephyr as much as Kaili.

How easily were hearts given and then ripped away when one was a woman still under her father's rule.  

At least Zeph would be offered a place in her new home. Where ever that might be. At least she wasn't losing everyone with this change.  

Kaili took up Nico's offered hand.  

"My Prince," she dipped into a short curtsey.

"Kaili, you know I hate when you use my title. How many more times must I argue that we have been friends since you were still attached to your wet nurse? We don't need to stand on decorum."

"At least once more, my prince." She smirked. It amused her to no end to tease Nico with formality.  

Huffing, Nico rolled his eyes.  

It was a long walk to the ballroom from Kaili's chambers. She could hear her heart pounding in her chest, the warmth of Nico's hand against her own. The way that he held it as he escorted her was more than formal, nothing less than one would expect of a prince; but she felt the occasional press of his thumb against the skin of her wrist, making her breath catch in her throat every time. She refused to look at him, keeping her chin high. Acknowledging each noble as she passed them, seeing the rumors already formulating as others caught sight of Kaili's hand in Nico's.  

She could almost hear the whispers that this would cause. The Duchess of Darkness being escorted to her own engagement ball by the Prince, a man who was most definitely not her intended.  

She refused to let them under her skin. As she has refused to acknowledge the rumors that had circulated just months prior, regarding her relationship with the man rumored to be her brother's lover.  

Kaili never managed to brush off such rumors the way that Nico did. She could never tell if he was willfully oblivious, or just staunch in his belief that she could never be anything more than his childhood friend. An innocent.  

Kaili allowed herself once glance, just one, as they stepped up to be announced to the room. Letting her eyes drag over the man who had quite become the center of her world. He stood just a few inches shorter than her, but held himself in a way that no one would notice it. He stood tall, proud. His long hair tumbling over his back, the braids done into it just barely holding back untamed tresses. His face stoic as ever. It had taken her so long to learn how to read it for his moods. To catch the slightest of smiles, the glint in his eye when he was frustrated.

Her moment was over, the page's voice booming their names for all the court to hear.  

She met every gaze with pride, daring them to speak a word. None did.  

Then she caught one specific set of eyes. Bright and young, the smile on his face so bright she was surprised no one else seemed to see it.  

Nelaros, her betrothed.  

He came rushing forth, eagerly dropping into a deep bow before his prince. Then gently taking her hand from Nico's hold.  

Kaili didn't think she imagined the taunt hesitancy in Nico. But she forced herself to focus on Nelaros. Smiling softly as he pressed a kiss to her wrist. A bold statement of adoration, considering where they stood. Stepping forward, she allowed Nelaros to lead her towards the center of the ballroom. Listened quietly as he announced how proud he was to announce their engagement.  

Smiling the way she was expected to.  

This man honestly loved her, Kaili knew that he would do anything to make her happy. He deserved nothing less in exchange.  

She did her best, for the rest of the evening. Showing him small signs of affection. Allowing herself to open her heart once more. She listened to his eager plans to try and help the people of his small holdings. About all the ways he wanted to improve the lives of everyone around him. He listened as she spoke of her childhood adventures, the way she was always caught up in some new scheme that ended with her brother scolding her and her cousin eagerly begging for a chance to come along.  

Maybe life with Nelaros wouldn't be so bad. Maybe she could love him, the way he seemed to love her.  

He wasn't the best dancer, too eager, all feet. But he tried to keep pace with Kaili. And Kaili felt herself laugh with no hesitation for the first time since her father had declared what was expected. She felt the dread begin to lift.

And then came a voice.

"May I have this dance?" Nico's eyes first flicked over to Nelaros, who smiled easily and waved his betrothed forth. Happily allowing the Prince time with Kaili, knowing well that their friendship extended into their earliest years.  

Kaili couldn't refuse, not without making a scene. And so she accepted, taking up Nico's hand once more.  

Cursing that the man had chosen a waltz. Because of course he did.  

Cursing that she couldn't stop her pulse from jumping at the way he pulled her close.  

The moved with an ease that could only come from years of practice. Born of the hundreds of times Kaili had forced her friend to practice with her, and the thousands more that she had claimed him as a dancing partner in the balls held at estates through the years. Ever since she had been old enough to attend.  

Nico knew how to reign in Kaili during a dance, pressing her with palm and hip to have her follow his steps. She could read when he meant to lead her in a turn, or to release her, only for them to be joined once more as they stepped back into place.  

It all felt wrong. Nico was too stiff, Kaili seemed too slow. This wasn't their dance. This was a dance that the court would approve of. Kaili knew that they could both feel it.

As it had happened so often, the world seemed to fade away when they danced. Focused only on each other, reading movements and faces.  

There was no need for words.  

When the song ended, they paused for only a moment, eyes searching. Then Kaili dropped into a low curtsey, allowing herself to be the first to break. Nico bowed his head. Tension flowing between the two like a live current, even as Nico escorted Kaili back to her betrothed.  

Kaili accepted the flute of champagne handed to her without pause. After a second, she felt herself ease back into something akin to comfort, and let Nelaros take the lead. Ignoring the fact that Nico had excused himself for the evening.  

Ignoring the way she wished she could run after him.  

The rest of the evening went as well as expected. Well wishes showered upon the two. Nelaros took the attention in stride, but then turned to whisper to Kaili that he would be just as happy when they could finally escape the gilded cage of court life. Talking about how much more comfortable it was at his estate by the sea.  

Kaili couldn't recall her exact response, only that her head began to swim, and then she was suddenly in her chamber, short of breath. Refusing to allow Zephyr entry as she clawed at the clasps on her gown. She felt the scream rising in her throat. Forcing herself to choke it down, less she call more attention to her panic.  

And then there was nothing. Her knuckles white as she gripped the necklace that had been choking her. Ripping it off, breaking the short chain. She trembled as she stared down at the purple amethyst.  

Pressing her lips to the stone, she tossed it to her bed. Moving with a sudden purpose as she pressed open the handle of her wardrobe. She made her way quickly through the gowns, looking for the secret lock near the back. Taking out a small silver key, she opened the hidden door, which had been lined up to meet with a secret entrance to the escape tunnels that lined the castle interior. She knew these tunnels, had played within them since she had been old enough to walk.  

The path led her to the one place she knew she should not be.  

Rapping one sharp knock.  

Kaili didn't wait for a response before pushing aside the banner that hid the entrance.  

Nico sat on the edge of his bed, palms pressed to his head, fingers curling into his hair.  

"Why did you come?"

"I don't know," was the only response Kaili could think of. Eyes already beginning to mist.

"Kaili you shouldn't be here."

"I know."

"Then why?"

"I had to see you."

Kaili moved closer to her prince. Slowly kneeling before him, gazing up until she could catch sight of a purple gaze.  

Nico reached out with a speed that Kaili didn't know he had. Arms wrapping tightly about her shoulders, pressing her forehead to his chest. His face buried into her hair. Kaili let her fingers bury into the material of his vest.  

"Kaili... Dance with me?" The words were whispered and rushed. As though Nico had forced himself to say it before he had the chance to rethink.

"Nico?"

"Please. Not the way we did earlier, but the way we meant to."

"We shouldn't... we can't." Kaili began to pull away.  

"There is not court here. It's just you and me, who says we can't." Nico let his fingers bury into Kaili's hair. Pressing back until her face was tilted far enough back that she couldn't escape looking at him. To see the way his eyes begged her to accept.  

"Just you and me. Then can it be? No Prince, no Duchess. Just Kaili, and just Nico?"

"Yes, of course."

Kaili nodded, and let Nico pull her up to stand. His fingers slowly untangling themselves from her curls. Hers releasing their grip.  

She stopped. Stepping away from Nico, ignoring the confusion written on his face. Shushing his protests. She held up her hand, staring into Nico's eyes. "Just us."

Slowly, purposefully, she let him watch as she slid the ring from her finger. She gently placed it on the mantle of his fireplace, then turned to face him once more.  

Letting Nico slide his arm around her waist, the other held up at shoulder height. Her own hand rising up to meet his, with the left one gently gripping his shoulder. He began to sway. Murmuring a song under his breath.  

Kaili couldn't catch the words, but lost herself in their meaning.  

They began to spin, slow steps moving them through the waltz than should have been. Their hearts keeping time.  

Kaili felt everything begin to slip away around them. Lifting her gaze until she could catch Nico staring at her. Nico didn't stop his singing. Their bodies didn't stop moving.  

But for that one moment, Kaili felt like she had been lost to eternity.  

And then she felt his lips on hers.  

Warm. Soft. The way he caught her surprised gasp, and used the moment to deepen the kiss. Kaili felt her eyes slip shut.  

And still they didn't stop dancing.  

She felt the edge of the bed against her knees.  

Wrapping her arms around his neck, she let Nico lead her. Laying down amongst the silks and down. Tangled within each other.  

Hurried hands pressing silks and velvets aside.  

Gasps as they joined. Swallowed within more kisses. Every moment sharp and clear in her mind. Memorizing each second of stolen happiness.  

Suddenly it was his skin burning into hers. All traps of cloth finally lost. Hands tracing long lines of tattoos and scars, earned side by side. His mouth trying to capture her every taste.  

Chasing ecstasy.  

Followed by soft sighs, words still left unspoken. Arms wrapping her even closer to him. Kaili allowed him this small thing. These few more stolen moments.  

She was gone before the dawn.  

Having been woken by the startled scream of a servant she didn't recognize. Doing her best to keep Nico from waking, she chased after the frightened girl. Kaili knew the dangers of a wagging tongue, she would not let Nico be tainted by their mistake. Her heart broke for what she must do. The way that she had to leave him.

It wasn't long before the voice was silenced.  

Kaili had earned her title once more. She could not return to Nico's side, not stained with blood. Not with the ring now snugly fit on her finger once more.

Little did she know that he had woken to see her escape.

And had felt his own heart break in turn.

[novadreii]

The Ancient Magus' Bride: A Review

Big spoilers ahead.

I’m not often compelled to write full-length reviews on series that I watch, but this one elicited an interesting response from me. I don’t think I’ve ever negatively changed my mind about an anime halfway through. If I like something from the start, I usually like it all the way through to the end. If I loathe something from the start, I try to determine if there’s room for development/improvement before continuing. And I’ve seen a good amount of shows turn it around.

But TAMG was really a strange experience for me. Everything pointed towards this being a quality show. All the signs were there. And I will commend it on what it did right. This show had gorgeous animation, lovely voice acting, and a breathtaking original soundtrack. As I said, all the signs pointed to this being a winner, maybe the best anime of the last 5 years or so.

But sadly, TAMG is, at its core, a reductive escapist fantasy for young girls.

I know, that is a bold statement. But I have evidence to support my claim! Promise.

We start off the show with Chise being bought by the titular Ancient Mage at a slave auction. It’s okay, though, because she willingly sold herself into slavery. Wait, you can do that? I guess. Anyway. This show’s big selling point is Chise’s growth from a sad girl with nothing to live for to...well, someone who is not that way. And it’s a relatable backstory for a main character. So far, so good.

But the rest of plot fails to sufficiently develop the rest of the world, lore, and characters in a way that makes Chise’s development interesting enough. Side characters are given at most one (1) episode of backstory before being utterly forgotten for the entire rest of the series. Plot points that you think will eventually loop back for an interesting game of Raise the Stakes just kind of wander out to sea and never come back (aka Chise’s family...um...her dad and brother are still out there!). The lore of the fairies and magic is just kind of there and never properly explored or utilized. Chise is supposedly there to learn magic from Elias as her teacher, yet we don’t really ever see him instructing her in the theory of it, or her magical skills progressing. All we’re really told is that Chise is both incredibly strong and weak as shit as the same time. Makes sense.

Elias’ origin is completely ignored, even that could have been an amazing addition to the story as it’s so shrouded in mystery and intrigue and often hinted at by several characters. So, at about the rough halfway point of the series, I had all these loose ends and unexplored areas of the story in my head that I was really excited about, but they never materialized in the second half. The main “villain” in the show was kind of sad and easily defeated.

The second cour of the show was focused almost exclusively on what is, in my opinion, the most mundane, cloying, and dull part of the story: the relationship between Elias and Chise. Yep, sorry friends. I don’t find these two even remotely well suited to each other in any capacity, least of all romantic. Try picturing them together when Elias is in human form; that creeps me out more than his usual form. From the very beginning, I have disliked Elias. I find him boring. Oh boohoo, you’ve been wandering around Earth for hundreds of years and still haven’t figured out what “sad” “happy” “jealous” and “angry” feel like? Are you stupid as well as inexperienced, or just willfully ignorant? Because he managed to study and become proficient in the art of magecraft, but never could figure out why watching Titanic made his eyes leak? How many times do we have to watch Elias clutch his heart and say, “Is this what _______ feels like?” Just shut up. I find it hard to believe that in between all the magic and failed cooking lessons with Lindel, they never talked about how they felt in the hundreds of years that Lindel was taking care of him? *Dr. Phil voice* Really now?

Elias’ cluelessness about basic human emotions is the basis for about 99% of the personal conflicts/drama in the story, and it gets tiresome and feels cheap. Why does anime love to center on characters who don’t know how to feel? Does it give them more agency to act like a dick? Do young girls swoon after men who don’t really care about anything? Elias is frustrating, because we never get to see him break through that monotonous “teach me how to feel” crap, except for when he’s having a rage tantrum. But we never see him buckle down and really unload on how he’s feeling in an open and communicative way. He’s very selective with what he shares, and when he does it’s because Chise is prodding him to do it.

What I found essentially disappointing about this story is how everything in it was just there to further the drama between Chise and Elias without actually furthering the story itself. Everything Elias does to Chise, from how he constantly touches/grabs/picks her up without her permission, how he looms over her menacingly in his monster form when he’s jealous, how he calls her diminutive pet names, irritates me. Chise is a child who has nothing; of course she is going to gravitate to someone who offers her the only thing she wanted: a place to call home. What’s his excuse? He is the one in the position of power, and does he ever use it to his advantage.

How many times do we witness Elias withholding information from Chise, policing her, acting shady, throwing a giant temper tantrum, and being generally creepy and possessive? The anime is masterful in that it succeeds in writing it all off as romantic and cute, because “Elias doesn’t know what emotions he’s feeling! It’s cause he must love her LOL” Again, this was a lame excuse so that Elias could have license to be an asshole. All they needed was a cool/handsome/monstrous character design and a smooth af voice actor to make it all okay. But it isn’t. Chise did not, and still doesn’t have the agency to choose differently.

And I almost fell for it too; that’s how good it is. Because it ropes you in with great production value. I admit that instinctively I am just a dumb ape who will go gaga over anything shiny and pretty. And this anime certainly is those things, but it doesn’t capitalize on the amazing potential it set up from its very beginning, choosing instead to focus on relationship drama between two people who really should not be involved romantically at all.

I ask this: would it have detracted from the story at all for them to have had an adoptive parent and child relationship, to which both characters’ age, experience, and power dynamic was a lot better suited? Would it have been less meaningful? Why did they have to be set up as husband and wife from the get go? What was the point, other than to provide a weak and frankly disturbing plot point? If parent/child is a no-go, how about we make the female main character older than 20 years old for once? Even that would have been preferable.

I did read the manga, and the author tries to dance around the issue by once again using Elias’ inexplicable lack of emotional intelligence as an excuse. He doesn’t know what a bride is, he doesn’t understand the concept of marriage, he means it innocently etc. Okay, BUT, Chise, the rest of the characters, the author of the manga himself, the readers, and literally everyone else understands exactly what marriage is and what it implies. That is the connection the author intends us to make with all the symbolism and mushy dialogue between the two of them (as well as other characters’ observations about them both). It doesn’t matter how ambiguous the author is being about something; if it’s there, it’s there. Let’s call the spade a spade.

So the story revolves primarily around the romantic development between an indisputably adult male who also holds all the resources/power, and an emotionally broken child who can’t refuse. TAMG did not develop the rest of its story enough to distract me from this point, and I was just never able to look past it. It was glaring at me with each episode I watched.

Sure, Chise gets mad sometimes, and Elias eventually comes around from pouting when he realizes he could lose her. He eventually offers a monotone apology and all is right as rain. Chise eventually develops into the Needlessly Self-Sacrificing Main Character that anime relies on just a touch too heavily. It feels disingenuous and not at all relatable. It’s tiresome.

Towards the end, Chise gets some resolution from an old painful memory during an arc where she finally breaks free of Elias so she can act of her own accord for once. Which I really liked. But then she just ran home, forgave Elias a little too easily for all his bullshit, and ended up “marrying” him (again, everything is shrouded in an infuriating layer of ambiguity because nobody wants to call it what it is, but alllllll the right symbolism is there, we can figure it out ffs). That came completely out of left field for me and solidified my hunch that this is meant to be a teen fantasy and little else: leaving everything behind only to be saved, controlled by, and obsessed over by an ominous, rich, handsome, and overbearing man who just won’t keep his hands to himself.

There’s so much more I wanted to know about, and I get that you can’t fit everything into 24 episodes. But people like Silky, Ruth, Renfred, and Alice were utterly forgotten about even though they had solid, developed stories in the beginning of the anime. It’s like they hooked me in and left me hanging; the whole time I was waiting for MORE from those characters. For Silky to say even one word or to have more of a relationship with Chise other than hugging her dramatically from time to time, for Chise and Ruth to have another mage/familiar moment (or even arc). Things like that would have added so much more depth and significance to the story than even one more minute of Elias and Chise awkwardly and needlessly cuddling (or sleeping in bed together....honestly, wtf).

So in conclusion (am I writing a thesis or something?), The Ancient Magus’ Bride felt something like a betrayal. It drew me in with the promise of a gorgeous and heartfelt story, only to focus on what I thought was an inappropriate and forced relationship. I’m sure 16-year-old me would have eaten all of this up like a six-course meal. It’s a Japanese twist on Twilight (therefore also reminiscent of the even worse Fifty Shades franchise). As I get older and automatically tend think a lot more critically about why I like or dislike things, something like this isn’t going to cut it for me. It pulled at the heartstrings with emotive music and pretty visuals, but left me wanting so much more. I don’t want the media I consume to make me feel like I should like it; I just want to.

To any teen girls who adore this anime, I’m not telling you what to personally like/dislike. But I do hope you’ll think about why you do, and contemplate the fact that just because something is wrapped up in pretty packaging, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s harmless. Love doesn’t have to mean being dominated, stalked, policed, or controlled. And you don’t have to be married before you’re 20 or it’s game over. Healthy relationships are balanced, with an equal flow of power, love, and trust between parties involved. They can happen at 17, 45, or never, and that’s all okay. My fear is that this anime will reinforce the exact opposite message with its audience, in a manner that is honestly kind of insidious. It was so well-made, the tone and ambiance they created is so lovely that the harmful messages will just fly over your head; like they almost did to me.

Or...just enjoy it without a second thought and leave me to my over-analyzing. I do admit I look very closely at things, but I don’t know any other way to be.

TLDR; A lot of style, not a whole lot of substance. 4.5/10

[onewhoturns]

roving feet pt 2

a ficlet in two parts: 1st angst, 2nd fluff (/smut). If you enjoyed it, feel free to check out my ko-fi ^^

She didn’t visit him for a long time after that. She covered her fear with anger. He was manipulating her. She shouldn’t feel bad for the man, he didn’t want her pity -- but maybe he wanted her anger. Was that what he wanted? For her to be mad at him? He seemed to teem with some surging writhing something and parsing out just what that was was beyond her. She didn’t have the energy to invest.

The Outsider became just another subject she was briefed on. How his health was, plans for integrating him into society. He would need a name.

“Will we give him a title?”

Corvo seemed surprised at her question. “I… hadn’t considered it.”

She avoided her father’s eyes, keeping her tone blasé and her eyes glued to the papers she perused. “It seems he would be useful to have on hand in case of any… Void-related occurrences.”

Her father’s body stilled and his eyes narrowed. Maybe she was a little too eager. “...Void-related occurrences,” he repeated, just barely holding back his incredulity.

“And how much does he know about all those we come in contact with? Surely he’s the most reliable spy you can find, regarding people's pasts.”

Was it so wrong for her to want the former god near? Yes, he was angry, but he was newly changed -- he’d been wrenched from a life - an unlife - he’d known for thousands of years. His anger was justified. Why he directed it at her and not Billie… she had no clue.

“Emily… You haven’t seen him. He’s not the same pe-” Corvo stopped himself, seeming to rethink his words. “Not the same being he was. He doesn’t control the Void.” His voice turned wry. “He has no control whatsoever.”

Emily turned her eyes on her father, imperious. “Isn’t that your job?” She straightened her back, her tone authoritative. “You said you’d be training him.”

Corvo’s lips twisted, but he didn’t object. She was the Empress, after all. “Yes…”

She heard it in his voice. “But?”

“But he’s like a child! No, worse than a child, because you as a child were already training! You had discipline. He has a smart mouth and a fatalistic attitude that makes him just…. impossible.” Corvo was rarely so outspoken. Truly the man must be grating on him.

“Who’s training him?” She cocked her head at him, as though she didn’t already know the answer.

Her father shot her a knowing look. “You know damn well who. I’ve had to take time away from my duties as Spymaster - my duties to you as your Protector - twice a week for three months. And he’s no better with a blade than he was when we started.”

“Have Billie do it.”

Corvo raised a skeptical eyebrow at his daughter. “Billie Lurk stayed her hand from killing him when she knew nothing of him. Arm her with a blade against him now, after months of having him as a constant burden? He wouldn’t last ten minutes.”

Emily felt irked at her father’s words. Constant burden? Her neutral face shifted to a scowl, and her voice hardened. “As Empress of the Isles, I order you. Lurk is to train the Outsider. She’s already been conditioning him, getting him strong again -- weapons training is a practical addition. Send her anything she needs.”

Corvo’s lips pursed, but he would not refuse a direct order. She very rarely made them - at least to him - and when she did, she would not budge. “Yes, Your Majesty.” His voice was gruff.

She shrugged off the twinge of guilt that always followed those words.

The third time she visited him, she came prepared for confrontation.

Over the garden wall, Billie was down and out before she could see what hit her (a sleep dart, as it happened to be), and then Emily’s hand reached the ledge, she pulled with her magic -- and the window was open. Had it been open when she’d arrived? She’d taken Billie down virtually silently, as she’d been trained, surely she hadn’t tipped him off to her presence with mere noise.

“Come on in, Empress.” His voice was even, relaxed, and when she blinked into dark vision she saw him around the corner of the window, facing inward, as though waiting for her to appear. So she did.

“You knew I was coming?” The words were out of her mouth even as her body was reappearing. Emily glanced him over, curious.

He looked good. His skin had gained some color, still quite pale but no longer a waxy pallor, mostly likely thanks to the sunlight out in these parts. It must have been nice being free to walk around after weeks holed up recuperating. He’d gained muscle tone, too, and weight, looking the healthiest she’d ever seen him. Of course, he would be no match for anyone with fighting experience - not hand-to-hand, not with that build - but maybe if he did some cardio conditioning he could just outrun his opponents. He’d need much more work if he were to ever work for Corvo.

Emily’s eyes moved up from his body, and her eyes met his.

They were different now, too. So different from what they had been. Clear. Sharp. Engaged. She felt a rush of relief she hadn’t known she’d needed. And with that relief came the realization that he was giving her a look -- a slightly smug look.

He crossed his arms, and she wanted to roll her eyes, almost positive that he was just preening from her attentions. She’d honestly just been checking his healing progress, but the idea that he’d think otherwise, that was an amusing one. What a very human thing, ego.

“I had a feeling,” he deadpanned.

She glanced around. The room wasn’t exactly clean, still scattered all over with learning materials, although now diagrams of exercises and fighting stances also littered the desk. Under books, she observed, wondering if he even bothered looking at the exercise diagrams at all. Based on her conversation with Corvo two weeks prior: no. “Hm.” She pursed her lips. “Really know how to make an empress feel at home.” She didn’t look back at him, instead beginning a walk around his room again, checking over the titles he had scattered about.

“I didn’t exactly plan for your arrival. My ‘feelings’ are a bit more immediate, Your Imperial Majesty.” His tone was wry but… playful? A dry humor. “More a sensing of Void powers. It’s how I knew the first time you visited.”

The first time? Emily realized with a small pang of guilt that he was actually referring to her second visit. He hadn’t known she was there that first night. That night he’d been cold and weak. That painful night. She shook her head to clear the memory, glancing down at the book on the bedside table. The Metaphysika Mysterium. Her lips twitched. Back to his heresy. She was glad. “I see you’ve concluded your studies on the Abbey.” She glanced up, lips forming a small smirk.

He hadn’t sat down. He didn’t need to anymore. He had closed the window softly and moved to lean on the side of his desk, watching her. That look was back in his eyes. Interest. Fascination. She fascinated him. It was a feeling she realized she’d missed. Her eyes spotted a spine that looked familiar on the desk beside him. Why did it look so familiar? She made her way toward the desk, running her fingers over books as she went, glancing over the maps, drawings, diagrams that were everywhere.

“Hm, yes,” he hummed his confirmation, “I’m quite the pious one these days.”

Emily raised an eyebrow, picking up on his playful attitude. “A good little heretic, are we?” The words came out in a sarcastic murmur. She found herself slipping into the play of it surprisingly easily. She hadn’t acted this way since before the coup, when she’d grown up so fast. Maybe it was just being so far from the tower, or maybe it was time of night, or that she was free of the burden of lies that came every day as she hid her Mark from the world, but she felt a blessed relief from the pressures of imperial duty. As though a weight had been lifted, and a woman had waltzed out from under it, magically intact.

“Heretic?” He placed a hand on his heart, a look of mock offense. “Never. No, I have the strictures well memorized. All that business about the Wandering Gaze, the Lying Tongue,” he glanced at the ceiling as though to help himself remember. She highly doubted he’d forget. “...those Restless Hands, Roving Feet, Rampant Hunger,” he shook his head. “That Outsider, truly,” his words were spoken with tight lips but good humor, “always after the Errant Mind.”

Emily paused as she reached the opposite end of the desk, toying with the edge of a diagram she’d been looking at as she glanced to the aforementioned offender. Crafty bastard. What was he getting at? Whatever it was, she found herself not minding it. Beyond not minding it, she found herself happy to take the bait. How did that Errant Mind stricture go? ‘Two contrary thoughts…’ something about ‘he will become weak-willed and subject to any heresy.’

Heresy, indeed.

“That’s only six.” The words were out of her mouth in a heartbeat. She’d willfully taken the bait. Her eyes glanced over him again, and she didn’t see just his current body. She saw him as she had every time before, in the Void and out of it. All of him. His weak points, his failures, his cunning, his wit. His knowledge. His fear. And she didn’t mind it.

She didn’t mind it at all.

“Six?” He seemed to be finding it difficult to hide his amusement, his lips twitching into a smile - a satisfied smirk, even - as he cast a sideways glance at her.

He hadn’t moved an inch, still perched on the edge of the desk, but she could see the tension in him. He wouldn’t spring, himself. No, he wanted her to make this decision of her own free will. She wondered if, in some part of his mind, he had taken the strictures to heart. If he wouldn’t come after her because he wanted her to be able to pull away.

Not that she would.

“Which did I miss?”

She raised an incredulous brow. “You damned well know.” Her voice was lower than usual, deadpan but with an underlying current of accusation. Still, she shifted closer to him.

“Do I?” His voice had dropped too, becoming a quiet murmur as he turned to face her, leaning his palms on the desk now.

Tiny incremental movements drawing them closer and closer together, into each other’s orbit.

She turned away, a smirk on her lips, feeling like the most powerful woman in the world. A god - well, former god - at her beck and call, if only for a moment. “I’m sure you’re familiar.”

He shifted around the corner of the desk, coming up next to her, his right hand brushing her left.

Her skin sang at the touch.

His shoulder ever so briefly tapped her back, and his voice was on her neck, still waiting for her to come to him, even as he drew closer and closer. “You are, too.” It would have been a sing-song tone if his voice hadn’t been entirely in his throat, lending it a gravely texture that was…. distinct.

Hair raised on the back of her neck as his breath slid over her. She finally spotted that familiar spine and pulled it from where it lay. Ah. Of course. She’d been given a finely bound copy of this just before its release. A smile played on her lips as she turned to face him, finding him far closer than he’d ever been before. “Reading up on me?” She purred, holding the cover to face him. When he was bent down ever so slightly just like this, they were at perfect eye level.

He held her gaze steadily, and Emily found her blood was rushing in her ears, her face heating, her lips parting, breath shallow. Standing, turning to face her head on, his graceful hand took her biography from her fingers, placing it back on the desk. Again the brush of his skin on hers was electric. Her eyes briefly fluttered closed, so entranced by the sensation.

“You didn’t answer my question, Empress.”  His words were quiet, a whisper.

A hand cupped her face and she very nearly jumped, shivering at his touch as her eyes opened again. Immediately she was ensnared once more: lost in those clear hazel eyes. She felt the puckish smile playing over her lips even as she saw it mirrored on his. Her hands were pressed against his chest, feeling the oh so human heart that pounded furiously within him. She leaned just to the left, his hand sliding down her neck, raising goosebumps in its wake, and she lifted her chin to speak into his ear. “...And I don’t intend to.”

It was a tease, a game - a strategic move - and she wondered where he would play next.

His free hand slipped around her waist, reeling her in. Her body pressed against his and her heart leapt as he cupped her face again, fingers combing back and tangling in her hair, leaning his forehead against hers. Warm breath played over her lips and she found her eyes closed once more, savoring the sensation. Her mouth watered. His lips were mere millimeters from hers and she felt him smiling. “Truly, there is no quicker means by which a life can be upheaved and sifted than by the depredations of uncontrolled desire.” His lips moved against hers, but never close enough, just out of reach, his words feeding her.

She strained to bring her lips to his, to finally seal his words away with her breath, but he pulled ever so slightly away, his fingers woven in her hair serving to anchor her from reaching his lips.

If she truly wanted to, she could pull free in an instant. She could have him dead in a split second if that was what she wanted. But she didn’t want that. She never wanted that. She happily accepted his hand in her hair, enjoying the massage-like tug as he pulled her lips back.

And again he was there, lips just out of reach, teasing her. The hand from her waist raised, running his thumb along the curve of her lower lip. “...Within these things, the Outsider dwells.”

She felt a groan from deep in her chest, yearning for him, and her hands clenched into fists in his shirt, but she wouldn’t pull him down to her. This was a battle and she would stand her ground. He would come to her. She licked her lips in anticipation, and felt as she accidentally tasted his as well. That was the breaking point.

And his will broke before hers. As it should.

“Fuck -- Emily-” His words were lost between her lips, along with so many other words and sentiments. Why do you do this to me and why can’t I stop and how did we get here and yes -- so much yes.

Their kisses were hungry and passionate, mouths eagerly exploring one another. She led him in how she liked to be kissed, he was quick to respond in kind, and they were locked together. Every moan, every rasped breath, every time their skin met stars danced before her eyes. 

She found her hands roaming the planes of his chest, his waist, the sharp dip of his clavicle, fingers tickling trails down his neck -- wanting to touch all of him. The thought that popped into her mind had a low chuckle escaping her throat.

He pulled back, eyes sharp, not missing a thing. He didn’t look angry, only amused. “What?” His voice was low, too, not quite breathless.

She glanced at him from under her lashes - eyes dark and burning - then looked away, a smile on her lips as she ghosted them over his jaw, letting her words drip like honey in his ear. “Restless Hands...” Her teeth grazed the skin just below his ear, and she felt his hands, wrapped around her waist, squeeze her in quick response.

“Mmm...” His hum of approval rumbled through him, lips dropping to her collarbone, his movements coaxing her to turn her head, letting his mouth work small kisses up her neck. His breath was hot, wrapping tendrils of air around her, his words crashing against her skin like dark warm waves. “Wanton Flesh.”

He closed his teeth at the base of her neck, nipping her, and she couldn’t stop the moan even as an impish grin spread over her lips. “Forgetting this sixth stricture?” she mocked his play from just moments ago. “You seem to have quite the Lying Tongue.”

The words were lost again, that same tongue quick to silence her -- to cleanse her of the Abbey’s dogma, to raise her to her own place of worship. His kisses took her breath away, and she found herself tugging at the buttons of his shirt, entreating him, begging that she might continue. He leaned toward her, aiding her efforts, and when she was nearly done his own hands hesitated only briefly before working their own path over her clothes as well, coaxing every fastening open. “Oh my beautiful blasphemer…” Despite the smirk in his voice, his tone was still almost reverent.

Her hands were steady and eager, no doubt or fear in her, as they traced over every line on his torso, his skin warmer than she’d expected -- flushed with heat, just as she was. She pulled away just long enough for each of them to shrug off open clothes, and then she was on him again, his mouth stifling a hungry cry she hadn’t realized she’d uttered. As his fingertips grazed the soft skin of her belly, running over lean lines of muscle, she found her hands tangled in his hair, pulling him to her, his hands now on her back.

She wanted to leap into his arms - wrap her legs around him - but, knowing he was still building muscle, she instead broke away from his kiss. Her body pressed up against him, rolling her hips against his as her eyes found that piercing pale gaze. “I want this.”

His breathing was heavy as his eyes seared into her. Did her eyes have that same hunger in them? He had the air of a cat playing with its prey. His mouth captured hers again, nipping her lip, eliciting a satisfied moan, and he rested his forehead against hers. “I live to serve, Empress.” The playful, wicked curve of his lips made her insides melt.

“Damn right you do.”

[class-wom]

Our hero committed sexual assault.

There’s no getting around this fact. It happened. We watched it happen. Sydney explicitly says it in the final minutes of the episode: “You drugged me and had sex with me.” It feels important to say it up front, before anything else. I must have started and re-started this review a half-dozen times, and there’s no other way to address David’s act without seeming to minimize the impact of what took place.  There are ways the show can deal with this next season, and there are stories that can be told, but as it turns out, it wasn’t just a comic-book conceit to have the characters imply David might be the villain of this story. David is the villain. And to quote Syd, maybe he always was.

This is upsetting, disturbing stuff, and for the first time since I began watching this weird and often wonderful show, I’m not convinced Legion is capable of telling the story it just waded into. To understand why is to pull at the messy threads of narrative convention. I spoke at length in last week’s review about what has made this such a polarizing season of television. Legion has been shedding viewers, and I think it has a lot to do with the willfully alienating nature of the story. It became positively Brechtian in its refusal to allow the audience a point of identification, or a way to trust the show. Not just in the sense that we couldn’t necessarily trust our own eyes—we’ve known from the start that reality is malleable when it comes to the powers of David Haller and the Shadow King—but in not providing us with protagonists in whom we can believe. We can’t trust David, we can’t really trust anyone, not with delusion creatures roaming free.

Legion stripped away our ability to look to its characters for reassurance, which is a foundational building block of humanism and empathy. One of the reasons the Loudermilks have become so appealing this season is because their guilelessness makes them some of the only people that convey a sense of reliability. I can believe in them—or at least, the show hasn’t given me much reason to actively not believe in them, which is something I can no longer say with much confidence about any other character, really.

A second issue is about the implicit contract between audience and show. When we’re given a protagonist, we plan to follow them on their journey, and we have certain expectations that accompany such a journey, for good or ill. A key expectation is that we will be given entry into a character’s point of view. We need to know who a person is, and if we’re given that, we can follow them anywhere. Good guys like Leslie Knope, antiheroes like Tony Soprano, grouchy bastards like Gregory House, even good-to-bad characters like Walter White—they can lie, cheat, steal, hell, even poison a child in Walter’s case, and as long as we know their motivations, their point of view, and the perspective of those around them, we can go on that journey. We don’t need our characters to be heroes.

But this is Legion, a Marvel superhero show. What has made it consistently fascinating is the way that Noah Hawley and his creative team have repeatedly pushed back against those expectations, not caring that it would alienate people looking for a certain familiar structure in their TV series. Yet when it comes to character, there might be certain rules that work better unbroken. Removing our ability to relate to characters, and stripping away the humanism that undergirds our identification with the people whose lives we’re watching unfold, is a fundamentally avant-garde move, because it severs the basic premise of narrative drama: Namely, that we can understand who this person is and why they do what they do.

If you’re halfway through watching Out Of Africa, you know you’re not going to have a sudden smash cut to a pornographic, throbbing sex scene between Robert Redford, Meryl Streep, and another person, because that would violate a basic understanding of the world that’s been established, what a mainstream movie provides, and also how these characters would behave. Similarly, Legion has established that there are many facets to David, but despite the depictions of a malevolent David, or a homeless crazy David, or even the fears of our primary David about the violence he’s capable of inflicting (something that wasn’t even introduced until the last couple of episodes), we had been given a fundamentally good person. Naive, even, in his sincere belief in true love, admirable in his loyalty to his friends, and—above all—steadfast in his refusal to accept evil or unhappiness as the outcome. When Syd brooded over their likely unhappy ending, David was the one to say he believed in a better one. Even when he was torturing Oliver last week, we may not have liked it, but we understood doing something bad to achieve something good. He was trying to save Syd.

Transforming David from a fundamentally decent person with a troubled mind into someone capable of committing sexual assault in the course of a single episode is the needle scratch on the record player. It’s the porn scene in the middle of Out Of Africa. It’s edgy and unpredictable, but that doesn’t make it good. It changes the show on a fundamental level—and more than that, it pulls the rug out from under its viewers, scorning them for thinking they were watching one kind of show when in fact they were watching a very different one. It’s one thing to have a show’s characters lie to us. It’s quite another when a show lies to its audience. 

There’s an argument to be made that these kinds of stories should be told. From the perspective of a show looking to tell difficult tales about difficult people, the decision to have David do this to Syd probably felt like an all-too-accurate and believable version of how these events play out in everyday life, albeit aided by psychic powers instead of roofies. But I’m not sure a show where guys with baskets on their heads and kung-fu fight scenes set to Jane’s Addiction has earned that story beat. When someone on a Marvel superhero show—even one as odd as Legion—tells us a character might become a villain, we allow for powers, and betrayal, and even violence. But abruptly pivoting to a painful and common reality feels like a betrayal of the narrative contract the series spent two seasons establishing. Farouk is a rapist—he is the villain and has been clearly established as such, so we accept it. I don’t know if I can accept David’s actions, not when they haven’t been properly set up narratively and justified psychologically, both on our end and his. 

David defeats the Shadow King (thanks to Lenny’s bullet and the Choke) and starts pounding him senseless, but before he can land a fatal blow, Syd shows up and tries to shoot him, having been convinced by Farouk-Melanie that her beau was indeed becoming a monster who must be stopped. It’s understandable David would feel betrayed; he had just done a bunch of ugly stuff, all in the name of protecting his love. (“It’s what we have to save,” he again echoed in his words to Oliver.) And he’s not that person—not yet, anyway. It’s actually very easy to feel for David in that moment, as he’s so hurt: “Don’t you trust me?”

So when he wakes up in his own basement, and proceeds to have the three-way argument with himself, you can see why these new versions of David have erupted. He’s wounded, and the one person he truly loved has somehow rejected him in the most clear-cut manner imaginable, so a part of him tries to make sense of it in any way he can. Hence the disagreement—she’s his parasite, her love is the delusion, they all owe David everything and he should just take charge as a superior being. The episode continually returns to the God metaphor, from his quick aside to Lenny (“God has plans for you”) to Clark’s season-ending words: “Now we pray.”

Even Farouk is sounding like the voice of reason in that regard. David’s late night debate with his tormentor hinged on the Shadow King making David see how his actions weren’t all that different from Farouk’s. The moment that Farouk makes David realize how his efforts will backfire—and we learn just what David did to Syd—is a brutal one. The decision to suppress her memories is indeed a form of drugging her—he’s altering her perception to get what he wants, and once Farouk is safely contained, and Syd’s in her room, he projects himself in there, tells her everything’s fine, and proceeds to sleep with her. It’s vile stuff—there’s a reason that when Buffy The Vampire Slayer pulled a lesser but quite similar move, it made sure to have the victim discover she’d been magically drugged before any intimacy happened. Because that’s a line that can’t really be walked back, character-wise.

And part of the problem is that the show itself doesn’t seem to understand the severity of that breach. “The Trial Of The Shadow King,” with its text-based reflections on the nature of truth, muses that perhaps the competing realities of the situation should give us pause. That perhaps everyone has been swayed by the Shadow King’s machinations, which is why poor David has been found crazy and in need of either medicated imprisonment or death. And hey, that would’ve been a great place to end the season—with a knotty ambiguous debate over reality itself. But Syd’s statement of what David has done isn’t something you can muck about with, hemming and hawing over whether reality is being distorted. And it’s a disservice to the intensity of that choice—and the legitimacy of Syd’s assault—to fold it into the show’s usual “who can say what truth is?” philosophizing.

And maybe that’s the big problem with the second-season finale of Legion: Certain acts don’t get to be up for debate, and it’s a cheat on the show’s part to think sexual assault can just be part of the furniture. When nothing can be spared from getting walked back, when we are potentially being lied to about everything, then our sense of investment, our stakes in this world, go out the window. Acts need to have meaning, not be idly ruminated on with quotes from Plato. Does Legion really think there are competing truths about what David did, regardless of whether the Shadow King has everyone in his thrall? If so, then the closing words of the Tori Amos cover that ends the season are apt in more ways than one: “This is not real / This is not really happening, hey.” It’s not until the credits roll that the next line arrives—“You bet your life it is.”

Stray observations

Legion significant music cues of the week: They all pretty much pale compared to that opening version of The Who’s “Behind Blue Eyes” that David and Farouk are singing, with its spot-on lyrics. (“No one knows what it’s like to be the bad man, to be the sad man...my love is vengeance.”) But the others are the aforementioned show-closing cover of “Cornflake Girl” (if you want a great rock cover of that one, here it is), and when David’s in his own room, about to go back on the plan the other Davids apparently concocted, a similarly dark cover of The Kinks’ “Nothing In This World” is playing.

“I’m a good person. I deserve love.” This would’ve landed so much harder if David hadn’t just done what he did.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the Loudermilks have been our most reliable source of identification and Cary is the one who discovers what David did to Syd.

When the mouse first showed up in Farouk’s cell, was anyone else thinking it was going to start singing Bryan Ferry?

Oliver and Melanie’s flash-forward, with them living in the ice cube three years after the events of this episode, was a rare and much-valued moment of levity.

“You really believe that? God loves sinners best?” Methinks we’re going to find out. Dan Stevens’ performance this year has been stellar.

Thanks, everyone, for watching and reading. I’ve enjoyed hearing all the theories and discussions of this very unusual season of television. Sorry it had to end on a down note—I can certainly say I’ll be curious to see where Legion tries to go from here.