#this is depression talk don't look

[skyjynxart]

I'm tired.

I'm tired of companies controlling everything. I'm tired of being unable to leave 'home' or get by on my own bc I'm disabled & poor & can't afford to move somewhere I MIGHT be able to get work as a disabled person. I'm tired of having to do pages and pages of admin to access the most basic assistance. I'm tired of buying the exact same groceries I bought 5 years ago, and paying 10x as much for them ( literally, I found an old receipt recently from September 2018 ).

I'm tired of my quality of living going down consistently no matter my efforts to improve it. I'm tired of getting left behind because I can't keep up and because I have virtually no support system to even help me ( virtually bc there's like 2 people but they're 2 people and they can't fix my life a support system is a SYSTEM for a reason it's supposed to be a spider's web connected at many points which are in turn all connected to their own points you feel me )

I'm tired of trying to keep up. I'm tired of having to do everything faster faster faster faster and pushing myself beyond my limits even in things I would otherwise enjoy just to avoid being told "actually you can just... go".

I'm tired of feeling disconnected from everything and everyone and not just because I'm aging but because cracks in my ability to interact that have been there since childhood are being compacted and made worse with age & with the commodification of.... everything.

I'm tired i'm tired i'm tired and so many people say they would never want to go back to highschool but all I can think about is how when I was in highschool websites all had chronological feeds and everything wasn't monetized and advertised and fandom moved slower and sure I already worked too much and my job was terrible but I could literally afford to cover rent with my highschool job and buy food with it and even occasionally spare a few bucks to see a movie or save up to buy merch at a convention.

When I was in highschool it was normal to meet someone in public and become friends and follow each other's socials and actually talk and meet up at the next event ( I think a lot about this person named Sprout that I met at Matsuricon one year- we spent the whole day together and followed each other on tumblr for a long time after and you were really cool )

When I was in highschool ( I didn't do this because I was a bit behind the times even then but ) it was normal and common to keep in touch on snapchat by keeping up a 'streak' with your friend, sending them a picture of you smiling or whatever you were doing- and sending it to them directly! A younger friend got me to do it a few years after I graduated and I haven't talked to them for almost 2 years now because we just never have the time.

When I was in highschool if I saw someone wearing an anime shirt- even if it wasn't a series I knew- it was as good as a pride flag that broadcasted I am safe to talk to and I could say "Hey I love your shirt" and without fail get a smile in response instead of an awkward "oh... thanks" and an expression that says this stranger is talking to me ew. ( alright that one might be hyperbolic/super personal but the mainstreamification of niche interests has some consequences that aren't all great damn it! )

I'm not saying all this because I'm some old fart dreaming of bygone eras- I only graduated 10 years ago!- I'm saying this because I can't imagine how I would have survived without all of that, because I am surviving without it now and it fucking sucks. I couldn't imagine being a kid today and trying to look forward to the future- in the most anti-young-person era yet!

When I was in highschool there was no shortage of slightly-older-people ( 3-10 years older than me ) willing to talk to me and help me understand things and teach me things and introduce me to hobbies- and none of it was creepy! ( I mean ok some of it was creepy, but I had just as many creepy experiences with people my own age, and the older kids were the ones who called it out! )

Now it's weird for adults to talk to kids in any setting outside parenting. Highschoolers today don't have the adults to show them what they could be as adults themselves- not in person, they have influencers, curated performances that can never talk back to them directly, that keep them company only through a pre-recorded performance behind a screen ( not that influencers are bad, it's just- this is ALL they have in place of the older friends I did and that sucks ).

and that void has to hurt at least as bad at 15 as it does at 27.

A lot of things have halted my progress through life. A lot of things have forced me to become stagnant and so often I can't help but think that if I just had half the friend group, half the social support network, half the world I had in highschool, how much better off I'd be.

But the world is changed. I've changed, I'm more mature, I understand myself and others better. I'm sadder, more tired, more depressed, more anxious. My body is changed, it hurts constantly and it can't endure basic tasks like standing for an hour.

I see so many posts from people in their 30s on here ( just 2-4 years older than me! ) talking about how it gets better, how they're happier people than they were in highschool, in their 20s, and I can't help but wonder- is it some kind of magic, or did you just have things I don't? Is it that turning 30 flips a switch and suddenly you become a fully realised human, the older adults in your life stop mistreating you and suddenly see you as a human being deserving of patience and understanding and aid instead of 'a 20-something who just isn't trying hard enough' and people your own age suddenly start wanting to form friendships again and finances get easier?

or did you get lucky. did you stumble on something I will have to claw and scrape and drag myself through hell to get a glimpse of, only to have been too fucking slow and watch it slip away right as I'm within reach again?

because right now I'm almost 30, and the rest of my life just looks like a meat grinder, ready to chew me up and turn my bones to dust until there's nothing left recognisable as 'me'.

anyway all this brought to you by being told as part of a group "we know its been a hard year for everyone but unfortunately your contributions haven't been enough so we're going to replace you with fresh meat we can exploi-- i mean get hype out of instead probably ty for understanding ^.^"

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Kiss Kiss Fallen Tree!

[First] Prev <–-> Next

[horreurscopes]

thirty & flirty & thriving / shower drains HATE them

[local-limebug]

adhd is an emotional storm and NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT !!! like... executive dysfunction and forgetfulness and time blindness and all are a huge part of it and i see those being talked about all the time but no one fucking talks about the depression, the risk seeking, the hyperactive thinking, the things understimulation can lead to, like?? ADHD IS HELL. AND ALL ANYONE FUCKING TALKS ABOUT IS HYPERFIXATIONS.

[cuddlytogas]

there was some Twitter madness recently where someone left a comment on someone's art to the effect of, "Ed shouldn't wear a dress, he's a man!" which I do disagree with on principle, but unfortunately, it brought out one of my least favourite trends in the fandom

so, naturally, I had to write a twitter essay about it. and I already largely argued this in a post here, but the thread is clearer and better structured, so I thought I'd cross-post for those not on the Hellsite (derogatory). edited for formatting/structure's sake, since I no longer have to keep to tweet lengths, and incorporating a couple of points other people brought up in the replies

so

I want to point out that the wedding cake toppers in OFMD s2 aren't evidence that Ed wants to wear dresses. Gender is fake, men can wear skirts, play with these dolls how you like, but it's not canon, and that scene especially Doesn't Mean That.

People cite it often: 'He put himself in a dress by painting the bride as himself! It's what he wants!' But that fundamentally misunderstands the scene, and the series' framing of weddings as a whole. I'd argue that Ed paints the figure not from desire, but from self-hatred; it's not what he wants, but what he thinks he should, and has failed to, be.

(Yes, I am slightly biased by my rampant anti-marriage opinions, but bear with me here, because it is relevant to the interpretation of the scene, and season two as a whole.)

The show is not subtle. It keeps telling us that the institution of marriage is a prison that suffocates everyone involved. Ed's parents' cycle of abuse is passed to their son in both the violence he witnesses then enacts on his father, and the self-repression his mother teaches, despite her good intentions ("It's not up to us, is it? It's up to God. ... We're just not those kind of people. We never will be."). Stede and Mary are both oppressed by their arranged marriage, with 1x04 blunty titled Discomfort in a Married State. The Barbados widows revel in their freedom ("We're alive. They're dead. Now is your time").

But even without this context, the particular wedding crashed in 2x01 is COMICALLY evil. The scene is introduced with this speech from the priest:

"The natural condition of humanity is base and vile. It is the obligation of people of standing ... to elevate the common human rabble through the sacred transaction of matrimony."

It's upper class, all-white, and religiously sanctioned. "Vile natural conditions" include queerness, sexual freedom, and family structures outside the cisheteropatriarchal capitalist unit. "The obligation of people of standing" invokes ideas like the white man's burden, innate class hierarchy, religious missions, and conversion therapy. Matrimony is presented as both "sacred" (endorsed by the ruling religious body), and a "transaction" (business performed to transfer property and people-as-property, regardless of their desires), a tool of the oppressive society that pirates escape and destroy. That is where the figurines come from.

When Ed, in a drunk, depressive spiral, paints himself onto the bride, he's not yearning for a pretty dress. He's sort of yearning for a wedding, but that's not framed as positive. What he's doing is projecting himself into an 'ideal' image of marriage because he believes that: a) that's what Stede (and everyone) wants; b) he can never live up to that ideal because he's unlovable and broken (brown, queer, lower-class, violent, abused, etc); c) that's why Stede left. He tries to make himself fit into the social ideal by painting himself onto the closest match - long-haired, partner to Stede/groom, but a demure, white woman, a frozen, porcelain miniature - because, if he could just shrink himself down and squeeze into that box, maybe Stede would love him and he'd live happily ever after. But he can't. So he won't.

The fantasy fails: Ed is morose, turns away from the figurines, then tips them into the sea, a lost cause. He knows he won't ever fulfil that bride's role, but he sees that as a failure in himself, not the role. It's not just that "Stede left, so Ed will never have a dream wedding and might as well die." Stede left when Ed was honest and vulnerable, "proving" what his trauma and depression tell him: there's one image of love (of personhood), and he'll never live up to it because he's fundamentally deficient. So he might as well die.

This hit me from my very first viewing. The scene is devastating, because Ed is wrong, and we know it! He doesn't need to change or reduce himself to fit an image and be accepted (as, eg, Izzy demanded). Stede knows and loves him exactly as he is; it's the main thread and theme of season two!

(@/everyonegetcake suggested that Ed's yearning in these scenes includes his broader desire for the vulnerability and safety Stede offered, literalised through unattainable "fine" things like the status of gentleman in s1, or the figurine's blue dress. I'd argue, though, that these scenes don't incorporate this beyond a general knowledge of Ed's character. Ed is always pining for both literal and emotional softness, but the significance of the figurines specifically, to both Ed and the audience, is poisoned by their origin and context: there is no positive fantasy in the bride figure, only Ed's perceived deficiency.

Further, assuming that a desire for vulnerability necessarily corresponds with an explicit desire for femininity, dresses, etc, kind of contradicts the major themes of the show. OFMD asserts that there is nothing wrong with men assuming femininity (through drag, self-care, nurturing, emotional vulnerability, etc), but also that many of these traits are, in fact, genderless, and should be available to men without affecting their perceived or actual masculinity. It thematically invokes the potential for cross-gender expression in Ed's desires, especially through the transgender echoes in his relieved disposal, then comfortable reincorporation, of the Blackbeard leathers/identity. It's a rich, valuable area of analysis and exploration. But it remains a suggestion, not a canon or on-screen trait.)

Importantly, the groom figure doesn't fit Stede, either. Not just in dress: it's stiff and formal, and marriage nearly killed him. He's shabbier now, yes, but also shedding his privilege and property, embracing his queerness, and trying to take responsibility for his community. In a s1 flashback, Stede hesitantly says, "I thought that, when I did marry, it could be for love," but he would never find love in marriage. Not just because he's gay, but because marriage in OFMD is an oppressive, transactional institution that precludes love altogether. All formal marriages in OFMD are loveless.

So, he becomes a pirate, where they reject society altogether and have matelotages instead. Lucius and Pete's "mateys" ceremony is shot and framed not like a wedding, but as an honest, personal bond, willingly conducted in community (in a circle; no presiding authority, procession, or transaction).

That is how Stede and Ed can find love, companionship, and happiness: by rejecting those figurines and their oppressive exchange of property, overseen by a church that enables colonialism and abuse. Ed is loved, and deserves happiness, as he is, no paint or projection required.

ALL OF THIS IS TO SAY: draw Ed in dresses! Write him getting gender euphoria in skirts! Write trans/nb Ed, draw men being feminine! Gender is fake, the show invites exploration, that's what 'transformative works' means! But please, stop citing the cake toppers as evidence it's canon. Stop citing a scene where a depressed Māori man gets drunk and projects himself onto a rich, white, silent bride because he thinks he's innately unlovable and only people like her can find happiness, shortly before deciding to kill himself, as canon evidence it's what he wants.

(Also, please don't come in here with "lmao we're just having fun," I know, I get it. Unfortunately, I'm an academiapilled researchmaxxer, and some of youse need to remember that the word "canon" has meaning. NOW GO HAVE FUN PUTTING THAT MAN IN A PRETTY DRESS!! 💖💖)

[milounyo44]

Negative Positive Angler fanarts&other things I didn't want to make a separate post about

Wowzie I haven't logged on Tumblr in forever my bad 😭 very heart warming to see people still stumbling upon my Serirei valentines day comic!! I promise I'll make another one next year, but better 😭💕! I'm mostly active on Twitter&bsk (mostly Blade NU:Carnival fanarts at milou_nyoo) but I think comics fit better here so I'll try to at least come here when I draw new comics (hopefully soon) (+ the likelihood of finding the np_angler fandom is higher,, I really like this show,, i want to draw more,,)

I've been watching Negative Positive Angler recently and although the fandom is quite small there's this adorable TakaakHiro fic that I really wanted to illustrate, so (with author's consent) here's a rendition of one of the scene in And All the Lights in Your Room Look Like Stars by jasperaptor on Ao3. (Please check out the fic and show author some love!! The fandom/this pair has 3 fics, they made 2 of them 😭🫶)

The show's premise is very typical (man finds purpose and joy in life after finding out he's going to die soon, fishing variant, bc yes this show is 50% about fishing, it's well done too) but idk I think we all need a classic slice of life with a sad twist for this new gen of anime. The characters are all a breath of fresh air and I think it's one of the anime I look forward to the most every week. It's simple but it got me and I can't escape. I want to see Hiro and gang happy together 😔😔😔.

[seonghwasblr-moved]

Already seeing people make everything about Moonbin sad now. He was more than what he was battling with. Don't make everything about him about his mental health. He was more than that. He was a person with a whole complex personality. That's what he deserves to be remembered for

[zebratimw]

Spirit animal SQH

[nyxronomicon]

giggling with your tags lol im sorry but he with long hair and with a tongue piercing and dark shadow in his eyes is taking over my thoughts and i can't control myself

REAL TALK THO good god Suguru would make such a hot goth and the only way I've been able to handle it is by not thinking about it bc 🥵🥵🥵🥵

[steelthroat]

I'd always thought I preferred the messiest, most chaotic and fucked up people but with a grain of wil and spark that makes them do something over passive people that do nothing wrong, that don't care about anything but themselves and that never help...

AND I WAS RIGHT

People who are willing to try, that give a shit, that MEAN IT when they try to do something, smuah smuah come here here’s your smooches smuah.

[beanghostprincess]

Sanuso is a good ship because it has one of my favorite shipping dynamics*: Wildly different hair needs and hair care routines.

Usopp the kind of man who takes good care of his hair, he has his go to stuff and he makes sure to wrap it before bed and all in all he has really gorgeous hair. Also the type of guy who does in fact sometimes halfass his routine because he’s working on something and goes to bed at four am thinking “I really should do this before… uhggg tired” and just goes to sleep.

Vs Sanji, the kind of man who has a million products in his room. Modern Au Usopp stays the night for the first time and is intimidated by all of his boyfriend’s expensive products. Sanji still thinks it just looks “Alright”. A little bit self conscious because Usopo never seems to have bad hair days even on the days when it’s humid and his hair goes crazy poofy and out of control, while sometimes he wakes up and looks at himself in the mirror for an hour trying to get any semblance of volume into his hair before begrudgingly accepting today is going to be a “long haired dog who fell into a mud puddle” day for him

(Another good one is “Person who has a very extensive skincare regiment being jealous at their partner who has no skincare regiment”. Which fits for both Sanlu and Sanuso, because Usopp and Luffy both mange to somehow have the skin and complexion of an angel while Sanji is just… dry spot, eyebags, pale, no healthy glow, weird zit on the back of his neck he can’t reach etc. Luffy and Usopp both do not care tough they think he’s still radiant)

REAL REAL REAL!!!!! Usopp has the most gorgeous hair and he does have a routine but he's pretty careless sometimes with it because, meh, it's late and he looks good anyway so it isn't a problem. If his hair looks bad he'll just do a ponytail and go through the day like nothing happens because he still looks stunning somehow. Sanji absolutely loves his boyfriend's hair and he's obsessed with touching it and doing hairstyles on him and stuff, but he's jealous Usopp doesn't need half of what he needs to take care of his hair. Same with Sanlu, as you said. Luffy just looks gorgeous in such a pure, holy way. Like an angel no matter what. Which is fucking frustrating because Sanji has sooo many insecurities and he feels so ugly if he doesn't do his routine every day. He wakes up, he showers, he uses so so many hair products and body lotions, and he even wears make-up to cover the fact that he hasn't slept well for years. He needs to do a thousand things to feel pretty. It becomes a bit obsessive sometimes because when he can't do his routine, he starts to panic. He's more irritable on those days. A bit depressed. Usopp just needs to remind him that he literally looks the same to him and that he doesn't need anything to be gorgeous. Sanji won't listen to him, but yeah, at least he feels a bit better.

[ultfreakme]

Oh I do not like that two of my ships right now has someone that's deeply oppressed on a systematic level in their story having to set aside their own morals and values for their extremely privileged lover who does not bother to truly understand their pain, often trying to make excuses for the oppressors.

[ajarofpickledtears]

I will never understand why people who've had several covid infections can be like "I don't think I'll get vaccinated again because of unspecified potential long term side effects" like

yeah

guess what

covid can, in fact, have long term side effects as well

[mimicteruyo]

Me every morning: surely my brain can't remain broken for THAT much longer.

Brain: 😷

[boxwinebaddie]

Hi Uncle Neen! HYH! It sucks to see you struggling cuz you are a big inspiration of mine :( but you said you did your makeup the other day. Can we seeeeeeeeee maybe?

d'awwww ksahdlkdss, you are so sweet, nonnie! thank you so so soooo much, baby! xx i really needed this. i hope i heal ( i will...i have to, i am too much of an asshole to let god win, fuck him ) and i hope you heal from whatever harms you as well! you can do it! mWAH!~

-- also brb crying ;-; <3333 whenever y'all tell me i inspire you, it seriously makes me want to cry; you mean SO much to me, so to mean so much to you; it's Everything to me, my love. thank you for believing in me, know i believe infinitely in YOU and will keep fighting the good fight, living authentically and modelling pos behavior on this blog bc i take being a role model very seriously. :')

BUT ANYWAYS! sakhdlasd oh my god aaAaaAAAaa please!!! YOU ARE SO CUTE, THIS IS SO CUTE OF YOU, hELP AAAAA!!!!!! but yes, of course, of course. considering i am super bacteria nina right now and had to resign from my ( admittedly ) trash job and am no longer, at this moment, an education girlie ( besides on here, ofc, educating you on my two gay sons in love ), i can freely exist and post pictures of myself again! thank you for for giving me a safe place to do that. <3

i'll elaborate on what 'safe' means to me down below, but just for context i took this...sigh...last week, when i was told i would 'all better', just trying to feel like myself again after a month of being unmadeup and unfitted and ugly and troll-like and on death fucking row and fucking miserable as hell, i had my new hair appointment lined up, was about ready to take life by the balls again...and that shit BLUE BALLED ME SO HARD AND SAID *ravenstan vc* JK, BABY!

okay, sorry i have some really bad scarring and wounding up there by my neck so i had to cover her up but...there she is! the she beast!

as for posting pictures of myself just...please...PLEASE BE KIND. and i wish i meant that as a joke, i mean it very, VERY seriously. i am at a point right now, where i look my very fucking worst, i am weaker than i have ever been in my life, there are abrasions all over my body, which per the results of my culture ( i was right...several fucking times and no one would listen to me ) my body is trying to kill me and right now...it is Winning. ( i'm not gonna lose tho, dw, i am a nasty bitch from hell and i refuse to die this ugly, i fucking won't; choke )

tldr; I AM VERY VERY VERY SENSITIVE ABOUT HOW I LOOK. I DO NOT FEEL PRETTY, I AM LIKE ONE BAD COMMENT AWAY FROM TEARING THE SKIN OFF MY FACE AND I AM TELLING YOU GUYS I CANNOT DO THAT, I CANT CREATE ANY TEARING ON MY BODY OR THE BACTERIA WILL TUNNEL AND ITS HARD ENOUGH AS A BITCH WITH DERMATILOMANIA.

PLEASE BE NICE TO ME.

i know we shoot the shit on here and are funny and clown eachother, you guys are my family; it's what families do, but my boundary is that you can say i am pretty and be objectively kind or Please do not send me anything At ALL about how i look; i CANNOT take it rn. i know were just joking, but please, please, PLEASE Do NOT compare me to any ugly creatures, make me feel weird about any part of my face, tell me i look blurry, say anything is too big or too small…

please don’t meme on me abt my appearance...Ever.

it’s a very sensitive spot for me and makes me v anxious.

all this to say, i love you; thank you for being my home.

HYH.

-uncle nina, single ravesey mother and human petri dish

[mariemariemaria]

Does anybody else feel like mental health awareness has done very little to help them in material reality