#this is all just melancholy thoughts
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#I'm very tired these days#I know why#but if I admit why I admit the people I am caring for are taking more than I can give#I want to care for them#I want them to be safe and happy#I want to make sure they live happy#I want to run away and live in the desert with an RV and my cat#but I sunburn easily#and my cat doesnt like car rides#and if I leave then they have to find someone else to leech off of#I have built so much of myself out of being useful#I am tired of being used#if I do not have a purpose what am I?#this is all just melancholy thoughts#they mean nothing#but I am so tired
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i love coming out of an everything shower and smelling of cocoa and hibiscus and using moroccanoil on my hair and putting on a perfume that smells of jasmine and using a rose toner and doing all my silly little skincare before getting into bed to watch a comforting movie :'))
#diary#watching my neighbour totoro tonight!!! <3#this week has been slow and hard but i got thru it hehe#just going thru a bit of a melancholy spell if u will just very tired n a bit low these days#i'll be fine it happens sometimes but it'll pass#hopefully the week ahead is bright and kind for us all :)#tiyas thoughts
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i have a confession to make
#it only really worked out that way bc i got hotguy at such a weird specific point in the story#the whole ‘undercurrent of profound melancholy’ thing does NOT apply to hotguy in 90% of situations#he’s just fresh out of the gilt era in my bit#so my brain was like ‘oh! guy who’s barely holding it together but presents as a sillygoofy dumbass to put people at ease i know that one!’#i’m ngl. i thought i got away with it#but i’ve been watching tristamp amvs and no the fuck i did not sjdhdgsgs#obligatory all art is derivative and references are good and inspiration is good etc#i’m not embarassed about it it’s just funny how obvious it is to me in hindsight#hgcz#mumbling
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but you are not made for saltwater; it is getting harder to breathe (金鱼/鲸鱼/晶鱼/惊鱼)
#something about gifted kid burnout and big fish small pond; in blurry quality#tagwhatnot; personal art archive#translation of the chinese: the first thing is that they are all 相音字 and sound like jīn yú or jīng yú#金鱼 for goldfish; 鲸鱼 for whale; 晶 for crystal/treasure/precious (鱼=fish);#惊 as in startled/frightened/scared. <similar to in 打草惊蛇>#i made this around this time last year and remembered it very recently so here it is.#sometimes life keeps spiralling and old thoughts resonate don't they? anyway. fish metaphors beloved.#i guess there's no moral to this. just a bit of pondering and personal melancholy.
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You know, the reason why I'm sceptical over communities on Tumblr is because I think the issue is not how it was lacking in a community feature but how there seems to be a lack of a community mindframe for a lot of the userbase. There's only so much you can do when a lot of people have devolved into only ever using likes rather than actually getting in touch with others -- and there's only so much conversation you can withstand when every new addition equates to reblogging a post in full and potentially annoying your followers with "walls of text" (since, let's be real, this isn't a text-forward website)...
#i'm not counting replies because they're so very limited. i use them quite a lot myself but yeah they're way too restricted#idk i was Having Thoughts. every now and again the crazy dream of starting a wn comm on dreamwidth knocks at my door#but then i think that the fandom is pretty... dead tbh and people don't seem interested in the sort of discussions a comm might house#(not to mention how very few wn fans are on dw -- much to my disappointment!)#or the sort of overall events we could have too. this time of the year is great for gift giving for instance#have you ever looked at fandomtrees? and yet it's just silence here. we go on the wn tag here and we advertise our new fic chapter#or we post art that gets likes but very few verbal reactions all in all so there's no way of knowing what the like actually means#(i know i have serial likers among my followers but tbh we've traded a few words sometimes. i know you guys are real and not bots lol)#(and i appreciate you! i do! though it's a lot more fun when we do get to talk every now and again via dm or elsewhere :) )#and so we watch this nice thing we had just shrivel away and people go on to the next new shiny fandom i guess. eh.#(i was rereading a few of the posts i have on my#meta fandom talk i guess#tag and it inspired this melancholy post LOL i'm fine i'm fine)#not-shenunigans
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microdosing on killing myself by reading eruri fic exclusively for three days straight
#there is something so very delicious about how loud all the things they dont say are#what if duty brought u together and kept u apart#what if not saying all these things is killing u but saying them would kill u twice as fast#because u know u know u aren't making it out alive not both of u anyway and maybe never having it will be easier than losing it#its just sooooooo good#everything is so tainted by melancholy and death ♡#its just doom and tragedy and repression and yearning and denial and so close to the surface it might as well be spoken out loud#but it never can and never will#and thats how my bi yearly 3 day reading fics for a pairing i havent thought of in 5 years and will not think of again for another 5#breakdown is going#i haven't watched or engaged with snk since like 2017#but by god does eruri still have a hold on me#every few years i remember them out of the blue and its like lightning striking#txt.me
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the ending of i saw the tv glow fucked me up because in a meatphor sense she's going to spend the rest of her life in misery because she was too afraid to embrace her true self. her happy self. and in a literal sense she's LITERALLY being buried alive which is like top 100 fears of mine and the fact her inhaler stopped working which is like. the sign that she's losing oxygen kept me up at night. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAA
Ourgh yeah the burying alive is. Fucked up if real! But personally I've said before but I do see the ending as not Great but at least hopeful, I think even if she doesn't accept herself right away she's going to at least try to like, find people who can help her, because she is screaming for help at the end, even if no one responds. And that's much better than suffering in silence. At least, that's if you assume her life outside the Pink Opaque is real in some way, which tbh I do. I think even if she were to bury herself like Tara, it wouldn't perfectly put her in Isabel's body, and she wouldn't be young again. Idk I'll say that I think the world of ISTTVG is supernatural and sitting within unreality rather than full fantasy, and neither The Pink Opaque or "Real Life" is fully true. I think they blur together one way or another
#ISTTVG spoilers#I saw the TV glow spoilers#This is heavily theoretical but I think Tara sorta. Didn't choose the best option. I think the MC was too afraid but Tara was too#Idk. She was too ready to basically die for what she thought was the truth. I think the idea of the MC being Isabel FROM TPO is not the bes#Like. Movie message as someone who has been deeply fixated on things + specific characters to the point I was filtering almost all of my#Thoughts through them. So I think the best case is for the MC to understand how much she wants to be Isabel or wanted to be#And let herself feel that without shame while also becoming her own person. Does that make sense?#I think the ending is less her losing air underground and more just. The breaking point of something. And I do think Mr melancholy is uh#Doing some shit in both realms but maybe not specifically the way the show plays out? Idk I have thoughts but they're a mess#Also I wonder if someone could say something about the moon being traditionally feminine and the villain being a masculine form of the moon#Tho the man in the moon isn't like a new concept I still think there's something worth digging into there but Idk enough to do it myself lo
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J.L. Laynesmith taking the 'Buckingham Did It™' route for the murder of the Princes in the Tower AND the rumors of Edward IV's bastardy ... I have to laugh
#my post#history media#this was in her book 'Cecily Duchess of York' which I have ... Thoughts on#I really liked it overall - it was meticulously researched and gave me information that I hadn't previously known about Cecily#However this often contrasts with Laynesmith's own very evident biases assumptions and conjecture#and the effect is very jarring#This becomes slightly more pronounced after 1464 and actually ridiculous after 1483.#She also suggests that Henry VI may have genuinely died of a melancholy-induced stroke like Edward IV claimed which is just...lmfao#I don't know what to say at this point lol#To be fair she does specifically note that he died shortly after Edward arrived in London and that most contemporaries believed#it was far too convenient#which is far more acknowledgement and culpability than she gives Richard III whose culpability for the 'disappearance' of his nephews is#literally never touched upon - the blame is conveniently dumped on Buckingham#honestly the whole Deal with Buckingham is so odd. dude was a political neophyte; was given a primarily ceremonial role by Edward IV#throughout his reign and was younger than Richard (who was a seasoned politician). What makes you think Buckingham of all people#was some kind of political genius and making decisions over RICHARD of all people lol?#anyway#This book was pretty decent with Margaret of Anjou which was great#it was less decent with Elizabeth Woodville which was not so great :/#some of the assumptions it made (for Cecily's benefit naturally) were so weird#and the way she 'reassessed' Elizabeth's role in 1483 was very distasteful#I might make a separate post on that because it was very annoying#(also claiming Henry Tudor landed with 'a small band of Lancastrian exiles' - yeah no. the majority of the 'exiles' who supported him were#Yorkist aka Edward IV's supporters who opposed Richard. because this was very much an internal civil war between the dynasty#and Henry became a claimant only after being chosen by Yorkists after the October risings made clear the Princes were dead#the claim that challenged Richard's was Elizabeth of York not Henry's. let's not twist words here)#(ALSO I'm sorry but William Stanley certainly did not choose to commit his troops to Henry Tudor because Henry was 'his brother's stepson'#he did that out of loyalty to Edward IV and his children as Henry was the chosen claimant of the Yorkist faction#hence why he may have betrayed Henry VII in the 1490s for Perkin Warbeck who pretended to be Edward's second son. so jot that down)#you really see these small minor details which are very much chosen purposefully and paint a very different picture lol
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:0 what are the sections in ur percy playlist? (<- wants to know what images to microwave in their head at what times when listening to it)
okay uhh so (this will be the masterpost for it for the time being)
songs i would slap a "this is percy's theme song" label onto if i could: dust bowl dance -> when murder entered my heart
start of briarwood arc: darkside -> first death
orthax: broken bones -> the hearse
cass/revenge quest regrets: violet -> kamado tanjiro no uta
post-briarwood arc: villains, pt 2 -> half-decade hangover
vex, pt 1/sunken tomb: englishman in new york -> the manic
raven queen: little big boy -> vivid vice
ripley/glintshore: bullets -> rip to my youth
keyleth/resurrection: about sophie(*) -> best friends
vox machina/found family: fightsong(**) -> hope of morning
vex, pt 2/"living on far past the point you thought you'd die": frankenstein -> winter winds
(*) about sophie is tragically not on spotify please just imagine it's there because it's one of The percy and keyleth songs to me
(**) fightsong (from the vm section) and in the backroom (from the ripley section) have the og japanese versions on the playlist itself, but lyrics wise the ones that specifically apply to percy are the english covers by trickle, which change the translations slightly to make the song flow. go check them out if u want they're pretty good!
#definitely not as refined as my ten playlist section length wise#but still organized enough hopefully to line out his character arc#cr#cr1#my playlists#percy de rolo#vox machina#fun fact: idk if you knew this already but they used fmab soundtracks as temp tracks when making tlovm's animatics#the scene where he shoots off desmond's hand used mortal sin. so i think this is why percy's theme in tlovm is reminiscent of fmab#and also i thought one is all all is one captures percy's melancholy really well but that's just off vibes
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guys also i finished heartless by marissa meyer last night and honestly. am sick to the stomach i love my (old) neighbour sm for recommending bc UGHHHHHHH
#implied (?) spoilers:#im a bit of loser and know nothing abt alice in wonderland#so i was a bit confused at some parts but it all made sense bc the book does it subtly so it's not like just listing facts at you#that book. ruined me#IT WAS SO HAPPY#AND CUTE#AND I WAS GIGGLING#UNTIL I WAS SOBBING UGHHHHH#i have sm thoughts and ideas abt it but i want to make all of them separate#it was so devastating#something hit weirdly different abt hatta tho#it seemed so tragic#and idk made me feel so melancholy#genuinely kept me up for a good while#and the very end game me sm chills omg#heartless#marissa meyer
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it's wip MERMAYnesday, babey!!
(technically it's thursday, ignore that, we're sticking to a theme here)
thank you to the lovely @k9rage for the tag - i'm actually relatively early for this one for me at least, so let's have a quick, no-pressure look..... @zozo-01 @lovelylonerliterature @romirola @autisticempathydaemon @sealriously-sealrious @epsi-l0n @danislitllelounge how are we looking this week?? 👀👀
i'm not normally very good at AUs, but @sri-rachaa has some EXCELLENT ideas when it comes to these sorts of things - consider this wip a love letter to her magnificent solaire pirate!au 🤩🤩🤩
#redacted asmr#redacted audio#i wonder if it's possible to guess who's speaking here...... mmm... probably not just yet??#or maybe i'm better at this than i thought#or maybe i'm just predictable?? yeah it's that one#i am VERY much looking forward to this one hehe#it's full of all my favourite things#kissing and melancholy introspection and body horror and pretty men in not a lot of clothes#it's got it all 🥰🥰🥰#ginger writes#gingerbreadmonsters
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thinking about Golden Bat again. what if he was sad.
#churchy talks#I think he occasionally gets hit with melancholy. it's difficult being one of the last remaining things of a dead culture#being an immortal god being and watching your home get destroyed from the inside. watching your friends die while you never age.#man. man.#after the 60's anime gang pass away he shows up less and less. Nazo is gone for the time being so he isn't needed as much.#he'll show up to fight off the rare kaiju attacking a city but he's more or less become a cryptid.#and there are many people interested in him. people who would pay a lot for a photo#cuz he was always camera shy because the flash disoriented him so he just avoided camera crews like the plague.#so there weren't a lot of clear photos of him to begin with#the only good photos or videos of him were taken by Yamatone or the kids and never released to the public#and Phantoma took them all as well as other keepsakes after they died.#rewrite of the 2020 manga will very much be not just Ryuji coming to terms with being a demigod#and realizing he is still a human being with feelings and emotions and not just a weapon#but also Goldie coming to terms with his loss of his first proper human friends instead constantly pushing it away and distancing himself#hello 12 am thoughts. I will never stop thinking about this skeleton#golden bat#fantaman#ogon bat
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we’re all going to the world’s fair soundtrack making me cry and feel so incredibly melancholy it’s like indescribable. the internet.
#while watching i was like.. this is kinda udnerdeveloped.. but now that ive finished its like. this movie just makes me feel so much#it feels so true to the internet and to relationships through the internet and creepypasta and urban legends and loneliness and mental healt#health#and the barely-there gender themes - which were more? anti themes? negative themes? because it seemed like the themes of gender dysphoria we#were created by a kind of lack of discussion of that at all#i am not making ANY sense#i am just rambling and thinking about the loneliness of the internet#liked the movie!#reminds me of this mutual i had ages ago who switched blogs a load of times and i never found them again#like that's what the movie's about its about kind of. melancholy to fucked up internet experiences#god all i said in my letterboxd review was enjoyed this. good internet movie felt real#well on tumnlr u get my full thoughts. because this is the site i grew up on and thats wagttwfcore.#we're all going to the world's fair#wagttwf#shut up ulrike#jane schoenbrun#movies
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honestly... ik I'm talking about irrelevant shit but the WHOLE thing about lana del rey's mask is a fucking fever dream tbh. you're telling me a woman in her 30s in the midst of a global pandemic didn't think of ANY other mask that would have been better to wear besides a sheer mesh one. you're telling me one of the most notable pop stars of the past decade couldn't think of anything that would have screamed 🎀💋🪞💄👠Lana👠💄🪞💋🎀 besides a mesh mask that didn't look functional at all. as if there was no way to make a Normal Mask fit her style with a print/pattern or a signature or something. as if her fans wouldn't have instantly recognized her from the bridge of the nose up anyway. you're telling me she then claimed that "plastic was sewn under it a lot of stylists are doing it" as if 1. light wouldn't have reflected on the plastic under the mask/it wouldn't have fogged up with her breath 2. she would have been able to breathe at all with a mask of just. straight up plastic over her mouth and nose (and if somehow they made the plastic have enough holes to breathe through then why didnt they just go with a normal mask that can already be breathed through instead of going through the trouble of finding a kind of breathable plastic which probably didn't function as a means of COVID prevention anyway) 3. it most likely never ONCE occurred to her or her stylist(s) that even if it somehow was functional it may have been a bad idea to go out in peak pandemic with a mask that clearly did not look at all like it actually worked... I am vexed
#covid ment tw#i just think with all her 💋melancholy musical genius💋 it could've been thought through better. or thought through at all#[and this is coming from someone who listens to an 80% lana playlist while she draws their DND OCs drag persona so. stans plz dont kill me]#mine#long post#well. semi long? medium
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my parents are selling their house and i'm dealing with it so rationally and maturely btw. the 73 pictures i just took are completely unrelated to my fears of change and forgetting the little bits of memory that made this home
#i've never moved house before but i've been grieving this house since high school idk how to explain it#to have felt so trapped here for so long and then having it as a place i have to come back to every 3 months to the thought of one day never#? being allowed inside it again? how does anyone do anything ever in life this feels impossible but also like the smallest most trivial#thing in the world. hello.#i missed my sibling's spring break visit home bc of finals and now i'll never hurt my back watching tv with them on their bed? ever? for#fucking serious????#craning my head to make stupid faces at them through the hallway before bed. never ever? :(?#wish this horrible pattern of me missing the last chance i'll get to see someone bc of school first it was my dog and now it's my sib here#and i just. sigh.#sorry to mope on main again i'm just melancholy and this blog is my diary youre all just reading it#a post
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Fanny, my sweet, beautiful girl
17.11.2012 – 14.04.2019
#my art#artists on tumblr#I cannot accept that it has been 5 years already#I know covid messed with everyone’s sense of time but it simultaneously feels so much longer and so much shorter than that#exactly five years ago I was holding onto my mom for dear life and sobbing as we watched lilo and stitch together#not the best movie to watch when you’ve just lost your first ever pet you know#and then I cried myself to sleep at the next morning we never mentioned her again#I know it’s because it was way too painful for everyone involved. but I do wish I was allowed to process that grief properly#instead of bottling it up and pretending everything was okay until I was reminded of her#feeling like my heart was being shattered over and over again every single time#well anyway. enough of that. I’ve allowed myself a nice long cry today and got most of it out of my system#and once I was feeling okay I decided to draw her#and I can count the number of times I’ve drawn animals on one hand so.. I’m not too sure about the result#but it felt like to commemorate her in some way.#so yeah. here she is. my dear girl. the best dog in existence. she was always so affectionate and kind#which I didn’t always appreciate bc of how young I was. when you’re a kid it feels like pets will live forever#never barked. never bit anyone. her only crime was chewing on my mlp and lps toys that I left out on the floor#but I’m grateful she did that. it taught me not to leave my toys lying around and to clean up after myself#she really was taken from me way too soon. ideally she could still be alive right now. but I’ve been down the road of guilt and regret#there was nothing I could do. I was a child. I can only hope that she knew she was loved right until the very end#even if I didn’t know how to show it properly. and great. now I’m tearing up again#I suppose it’s unavoidable. April 12th will always be a melancholy day. and maybe that’s not such a bad thing#it’s good to have a day when I can freely remember her and cry if I need to. it’s healthy. it’s better than crying every day#she never liked it much when I cried. always tried to comfort me. that’s the kind of dog she was. I miss her so much#when I move apartments and get a dog of my own I’m getting a spaniel. just like she was#well. maybe a different colour so I don’t end up sobbing every time I look at it. but spaniels really are the perfect breed#I mean. cavaliers especially were bred for love and warmth. that’s just what I need. it will be nice to have someone waiting for me at home#and while I don’t necessarily believe in the afterlife… I do hope that Fanny’s watching over me#spiritually comforting me when I feel all alone in the world. it’s a nice thought for sure#and hopefully she won’t mind me getting another spaniel too much. it will be done in her honour after all. to make up for my past mistakes
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