#this is actually from like a month ago I forgot to post it sooner lol

[irradiatedrosegarden]

wholesome family photos: oops! all synths edition

<3

~ individual pictures + a bonus danse that I wasn’t entirely happy with under the cut ~

[muthaz-rapapa]

Let’s talk TroPreCure! (^∀^ 🌺)

i’m so stupidly proud of this dumb pun “tropurikyua~”, hahahahaha

Last post of the year and wow is there are lot to be excited for!

I even had to make a list for the stuff I want to talk about and I’m sure I already forgot one or two things but we’ll get to them as we continue to float~ along the wave to February 28th, mmkay? :)

Now for what has peaked my interest so far. And yes, we have to talk about the following first:

1) HealPre the shortest Precure season??

Unless they plan for double features in February (which I doubt but you never know), HealPre is likely going to reach only 45 episodes long instead of the usual 48~50 before TroPre I’m using this shortening of the title for now so if there’s a better alternative, tell me and I’ll switch out begins its broadcast.

Understandable because the producers probably want to get back to their normal scheduling as soon as possible (toy sales, y’know) and I suspect pushing the start of the new season back by a month is the most they’re willing to compromise.

As for me, I’m quite happy about this since HealPre’s lost its hold on my attention a while ago so the sooner TroPre gets here, the better. Though the downside might be a scrambled climax and a rushed, underwhelming ending for HealPre (I dunno if it’s January’s titles that feel a bit messy or if the hiatus is still throwing me off) but whatever. We’ll refresh ourselves with the new blood Cures so it’s all good.

2) Tropical movie announced for Autumn 2021, no All Stars??

(source)

First saw this mentioned on Youtube somewhere but it’s all over the fandom forums by now. I mean, HealPre’s movie is set for March, the usual time slot for All Stars release. If Toei intended for there to be an All Stars in 2021, there’s no way they would announce the seasonal movie before it so speculations of them skipping it this year are probably true.

To squeeze it somewhere between March and October-ish would force them to readjust their budgets as well and I don’t think even Toei wants to go through that extra hassle after all the trouble the pandemic’s caused for everyone already. It’s just easier to resume All Stars in 2022.

That, and I think Laura being a major character in TroPre despite not having a Cure title (yet) would make for an awkward situation when the three latest teams gather so perhaps that’s also one of the reasons. But I’ll get back to Laura in a bit.

3) Cure Summer is a RAINBOW Cure

So god help me if I see anyone calling her a Pink Cure.

Yes, she’s the lead Cure for this season. NO, she is not a Pink Cure.

Look, even the official website has a rainbow overlay for her profile pic and text font while everyone else’s respective theme colors are a solid hue:

Therefore, RAINBOW.

In promotional material and merchandising, they’re probably going to advertise her primarily with pink bah and at worst, she might occasionally be labeled as a White Cure with multiple subcolors (her outfit is not pink-dominant) but definitely NOT. PINK.

...also, this goes without saying but f***yea, we finally got a lead Cure practically and unabashedly wearing the LGBTQ flag and you cannot tell me otherwise, Toei!

Own up to it! Declare Manatsu/Cure Summer as the Precure queer icon!

I’m not gonna stop yellin’ until you do! 😠

4) Laura = obvious midseason Cure is obvious

First of all, Laura is a babe. I already love her the best and she’s not even Precure yet. <3

Anyways, the set-up is pretty much in the description. Important main character who’s not a mascot, stated to have a self-confident personality and just speaks her mind (oooh, I like~ :D), magical/foreign being from another world looking for Precure to save her home, possesses her own special item(s), has aspirations to become the next Queen (so she’s a princess-candidate or something to that effect, I suppose).

We’ve seen various combinations of these traits in past midseason (and a few starter) Cures so nobody should be surprised when we all guessed that one of the Cures would be a real live mermaid.

The only question is why not just make Laura a Cure from the get-go if she’s introduced to us at the beginning (like Hime or Lala) and having a team of five with no unnecessary extra add-ons later on (like Smile).

Well, there’s a simple answer for that: formula.

Toei is afraid that if they don’t spit out some new animation sequence at the halfway and third quarter points of the show, the kids will lose interest and abandon the series altogether. Which means failed toy sales. Oh nooo... [/sarcasm]

...Yea. 

And this way they can also have Laura available in the Cure lineup for the next All Stars in 2022 instead of making her sit the fight out if we were going to have one in 2021. I’m convinced that’s gotta be one of the reasons. *shrug*

But ok, whatever. Her debut is gonna be later, that’s all. She’s a delayed Cure.  Midseason Cure, same difference.

Moving along to the more important stuff now like what’s her Cure name gonna be, y/y?

Well, knowing Toei, a translation of the term “mermaid” into another language is the most predictable route even though we already have a Cure Mermaid. Not like that ever stopped them from repeating words before (ex. Cure Happy vs Cure Felice). Though if they do go down that road, I hope they opt for the Spanish/Italian “sirena” and not the French “sirène” because the latter sounds too close to how Cure Selene is pronounced in Japanese. And, putting it nicely, we all know Japanese pronunciation of foreign words is as off kilter as can be.

Hell, even the the Portuguese “sereia” sounds aesthetic as hell so it’d be nice if they can just remember there are other languages that exist out there besides Japanese, English and French when making the final decision at the writing table! *stomps foot* >:/

Alternatively, “nereid” or “naiad” are good choices too but they remind me too much of Greek myths and Laura’s from the Grand Ocean which covers more than just a couple of seas (Greece is surrounded by three, btw) so...

I dunno. But whatever it’s gonna be, she’s definitely got a strong association with water and her powers will probably be based on that.

As for theme color, since there’s noticeably no blue or green Cure in the starter lineup, it’s likely she will take up that spot when she debuts around ep 20.

Pink is also open since Cure Summer, again, is technically not a Pink Cure and Laura’s hair and tail fin are hot and light pink respectively but looking at Laura’s design and concept, does anyone seriously believe that?

Her upper torso consists of aquamarine while the body of her tail is definitely some shade of cyan, implying they’re aiming for somewhere around the middle of green and blue on the lighter spectrum.

And yea, I’m aware that green and blue are considered exchangeable in some perspectives with how close some of their shades are to each other but officially, I think Laura’s gonna be grouped with the Green Cures.

Cuz of the hair. If Laura’s gonna keep it the same or a similar shade after transforming, that is. The Blues have always had cool-colored hair so putting Laura in with them might disrupt that harmony whereas if you put her with the few Greens there are (including Parfait), she’d fit right in.

I mean, we’ll see but that makes the most sense, doesn’t it?

On another note, I just want to say that I love how they added frills to her arms instead of letting her elbows go bare naked. It definitely makes her look more like a genuine mermaid than if she didn’t have them (remember, half fish doesn’t mean half the body :P).

5) Magical Items

Frankly, I’m tired of seeing the transformation device being a compact again even though one of the main motifs is make-up this season. But at least, as far as Precure compacts goes, the Tropical one is my favorite cuz of how cute and delightfully colorful its toy version looks! So I guess I’m okay with it.

The Heart Rouge Rod, though? ...I dunno. I think it would’ve been fine without that...straw (?) jutting out at the top. It looks weird, doesn’t it look weird? :S

As for the collectible clip-ons, I can live without those for the rest of my life. Yeesh.

Laura’s items, the Aqua Pot and the Ocean Prism Mirror.

Again with the portable, travel-size housing. *sigh* 😩

Alright, I can let this year slide cuz Laura (I’m so soft for her, omg) probably won’t be getting legs for 20 weeks so she’s got to move about on land somehow. But unless they’re really thinking about turning this idea of carrying your apartment around in your bag/pocket/purse into a reality (cuz that would be effin’ awesome), please be more creative with your toys.

On the other hand, I’m much more interested in the Ocean Prism Mirror but from what Kusyami (the Precure merchandise reviews I follow on Youtube) said in his latest vid, this is the ED dance item so don’t know if it’ll actually have an relevance to the story or not. But I did hear him mention it having something to do with the Queen as well and since Laura wishes to become Queen, maybe it’ll be important after all? Maybe it’s her transformation device?

That’d be super cool. Let’s continue the trend of the midseason Cure having a different transformation item than the starters. Honestly, we should alternate every other year or two but we’ve gone three seasons with all of them using the same henshin gimmicks up till HealPre and I just want a break from that.

6) Fin sleeves??

These look so impractical for combat so maybe it’s exclusive to group attacks.

And/or a sort of precursor to the super forms?

*GASP* Does that mean they all eventually turn into mermaids? 🤩

7) Yui finally became Precure!! 😭

lol, it’s all crack from this point on so don’t take it too seriously but man, after Yuni’s deceptive braids, I thought I wasn’t gonna see anything that reminded me of Yui for a while and lo behold, Sango.

kehehehehehe xD;

Though Yui might be closer to Minori in terms of personal interests (fairytales and storybooks).

8) Akira, the actual Onee-chan version

I didn’t think this when I first saw her but once I read “Onee-san” in her profile, there’s no saving you now. Sorry, Asuka. 😅

Also, damn, do her sandals make her feet look big! Compare them to the heels she wears as Flamingo. Are they even the same?! lololol

9) ...this sounds awfully familiar...

Translation:

Tokimeku Tokonatsu! [Exciting/Thrilling Everlasting Summer!] Cure Summer! Kirameku Hoseki! [Sparkling Jewel!] Cure Coral!  Hirameku Fuurutsu! [Flashing Fruit!] Cure Papaya!

Japanese reiteration:

Mallow/Mao: Pink no tokimeki! Lillie: Blue no kirameki! Lana/Suiren: Yellow no kagayaki!

….........

@Toei 

Care to explain yourselves, punks?! 

୧(ʘ ∀ ʘ ╬)

[t-lostinworlds]

Found You (Shawn Mendes)

A/N: So since this amazing person known as @fourtristattoos is having this amazing festival, I thought I’d support and have a little participation too. Also wanted to try and write some dad!shawn sooo yeah, this is my first ever dad!shawn fic. And this ended up longer than expected lol. I hope you guys like it! <3

Summary: Shawn thinks it’s just a coincidence, but when his son seems to bump into you ever so often, he starts to think otherwise.

Prompts: 

"Look at you, so big and tall, bet you're real proud of yourself, huh?"

"Pick that up and put it in the cart, please." 

"I finally found you"

Warnings: Fluff and Typos

Word Count: 6.2k

Masterlist in Bio

-:-:-:-:-

"Buddy be careful!" Shawn exclaimed, eyebrows furrowed in worry as he watched his 4 year old son sprint towards the little playground his grandparents had in their backyard.

It was built just a couple of months ago, a gift for their first grandchild as Karen and Manny had said, their grandchild who was so spoiled to bits by his grandpa and grandma.

"He's fine Shawn. Don't be such a dad." Aaliyah teased as she ran towards her nephew, a big smile on her face once she reached the little guy, him erupting in giggles, excited to see his favorite aunt play all day with him.

"Well I am dad so I will worry all I want." Shawn huffed, crossing his arms over his chest as he watched two of his favorite people in the world, laughing and enjoying as they ran up and down the slide, a smile breaking into his own lips, feeling so giddy and happy with the scene in front of him.

The sun rose high today in Pickering, the smell of grass and fresh air so soothing to Shawn in the best way possible, the cool air blowing on his skin just enough to make him sigh in pure content to be back home again.

"He's a beautiful child you know. You've raised him well." Shawn looked beside him to see his mother smiling widely at him, giving his arm a soft squeeze before casting her eyes back at the beautiful boy who was giggling loudly as his aunt Liyah pushed him gently on the swing.

Shawn wrapped an arm around his mother's shoulder, pulling her into a side hug and placing a soft kiss on top of her head. "Couldn't have done it without your help mum." A soft 'aww' escaped Karen's lips, her small hand rubbing circles on his back as she rested her weight onto her son, who was once his little boy, and now, has a little boy of his own.

What Shawn said was true. He couldn't have raised Angelo the best way possible, without the help of his parents.

Angelo Nathan Mendes.

The name of Shawn's sunshine, his everything, his angel.

It was rough having him when he was still so young since 22 wasn't exactly Shawn's ideal age on becoming a dad, and also given the fact that career wise, it wasn't the greatest idea. But what happened, happened and he was still thankful for it given that he now has such an adorable boy in his life, his son.

The moment Shawn found out that he was going to be a father, it wasn't exactly as joyous as he'd hope it to be. Only being with her for only a couple of months, it was an idiotic move of Shawn for not being extra careful but he kept a positive mindset, telling himself that this was a blessing in disguise. He thought she'd be happy too, just as he was, scared but happy nonetheless, but what Shawn got was the exact opposite.

At first she wanted to get rid of it off the bat, saying how she wasn't ready to be a mother, blaming him for ruining the future she has planned for herself, but after weeks of reassurance and begging from him, she finally gave in. Shawn was glad tour was over that time so he was able to disappear from the public eye to take great care of her, made her feel like a queen.

They've also managed to keep it on the down low the whole time, the fact that they haven't gone public helped in the greatest bit. Shawn telling the world that he was making an album during his disappearance to lessen the suspicion, to derive everyone from finding out what was actually going on. But of course he wasn't lying fully since he can never stop making music, and with him only posting bits of snaps from him in the studio, no one knew that he was actually going to be a father.

They were okay for the 9 months she's carried their child, Shawn expecting her to fall in love with being a mother as time goes by, that they'd be a happy family after everything, but what he didn't expect was that she'd leave right after Angelo was born, gone in a flash and leaving him to raise his child all on his own.

Shawn didn't bother to try and get a hold of her. She already made it clear that she wanted no part of it, even from the very start, so he lets her be. Angelo doesn't deserve that kind of woman in his life anyway, Shawn always wondering what he saw in her and how he ended up with someone like her in the first place.

However, Shawn knew he couldn't hide his secret for much longer. Sooner or later, people are going to get very suspicious on why he decided to extend his break for another year. Fans were getting worried, news outlets were starting to create false theories, and his career image was slowly turning sideways as the media keeps pushing that he was on drugs or something in the likes of.

So when his boy turned one and a half, Shawn posted this photo on his Instagram:

shawnmendes: My little boy, Angelo Mendes.

Let's just say Shawn broke the internet more so than when he released that Calvin Klein ad.

People were shock, happy, confused, surprised and everything in between. Then the questions on who the mother was started rolling in. Shawn never gave out a name, knowing how people are going to drag her especially if they find out what actually happened, he wouldn't do that her even if she wasn't in his good books. Shawn only stating that he was happy and content, that it was just him and his boy, and wherever she was right now, he wishes the best for her.

"Has he asked about that girl yet?" Karen asked, venom laced in her voice, still refusing to refer to her as 'Angelo's mom' but Shawn knew who she was talking about, the expression on his mother's face just says it all.

"Yeah, once."

"What did you tell him?"

"I told him that she's somewhere out there. Then he just forgot about it instantly." Shawn chuckled, but a heavy feeling settled in his heart. He knew Angelo was going to ask more and more questions about his mom as he grows older, and Shawn doesn't know how to tell him the truth without breaking the little boy's heart.

Shawn doesn't want him to think that something was wrong with him that's why she left, or that he wasn't loved enough by his own mother for her to stay with them. Shawn is dreading that day to be honest, the day he's going to tell him about what really happened.

"Hey, don't worry about it. I'm sure he'll be fine. He's loved enough by you and more." Karen reassured as if she's read his mind, Shawn smiling down at her, grateful to have her every step of the way, from helping him learn how to change diapers to the secret of tucking a bouncing ball of energy to bed.

"Also, you need to get back on dating Shawn, you need a girlfriend." A groan erupted out of the curly boy's mouth, eyes rolling as he shook his head at what his mother had said. "What? I'm serious! You're not going to be 26 forever, date while you're still young."

"I'm happy as is mum. Angelo is all I need, you guys are all I need. I don't need to find a girlfriend, if someone is out there for me, then she'll come. Besides I don't think Angelo is old enough to understand. I don't want to confuse him by having a girl and then if we break up she'd be gone. It's too stressful. Not to mention I don't have the time."

"Well you've been avoiding every girl that comes your way, how do you know you're not avoiding the one?" Shawn lets out a defeated sigh. It was true though, he has been avoiding every girl. He just doesn't want to be bothered anymore, with his career, tour, his son, he just doesn't think he'd be able to find the time to have a girlfriend and treat her like she deserves.

Plus, not most people have the patience to be with someone with an extremely hectic life. A career like his, and a child added in the mix, most girls just don't want that in their lives.

"Besides, I think Angelo would want you to have someone. You've taken great care of him, I think it's time you find someone who will take great care of you too." Karen gave her son a sweet smile, only wanting nothing more than for him to have the best in life, and to have someone who'd be there for him and Angelo, his other half if you will.

"I'm okay mum. We're okay. And wherever the person I meant to be with, she'll come in her own time."

"But don't you think it's time to stop waiting and start looking?" Karen pressed, raising an eyebrow at Shawn with a knowing look. He only shook his head with a laugh. "No, it's not. Plus, I can't just be with any girl out there. My little man has to approve too you know."

"Hmm, maybe Angelo will be the one who'd find her for you since you're too lazy to do it. You know what they say, kids have a special sense."

Shawn couldn't help but roll his eyes, but before he could tell her mother that the theory is highly unlikely, a small voice interrupted them.

"Dada look! Look at me!" Shawn's heart grew ten times its size when he casted his eyes at his son, standing at the top of the tower with a wide smile, accompanied by his uncontrollable giggles as Aaliyah held him around the waist to make sure he doesn't fall off.

"Look at you, so big and tall, bet you're real proud of yourself, huh?" Shawn jogged over to them, now looking up at Angelo with a wide grin, the little boy's short tuff of hair getting on his face as the wind blows past it, but his smile never did waver

He loves it when he sees his son happy. Nothing can ever beat the feeling of hearing just seeing that precious smile every day. Shawn thought going on stage and playing his song all across the world would be his ultimate feeling of being high on life, but he was proven wrong the moment he saw Angelo smile. That feeling will always be Shawn's greatest high and more.

"I'm just like Dada! Tall and stwong and bwave!" Angelo roared, his cute little face all scrunched up as he gritted teeth, the beautiful sound of Shawn's laughter following suit.

"But are you brave enough to jump from up there bud?" Shawn challenged, walking a bit closer as he positioned himself on the right spot, giving Aaliyah a small nod to let her loosen his grip on the boy before smiling back up at him.

"Yes I am! Im'ma jump!" He huffed, but when he looked down, his little smile faltered.

"Come on buddy, Dada will catch you. I always will." Shawn reassures, opening up his arms. Angelo looked at his father and his smile came right back, this time even brighter with pure love and trust in his eyes and Shawn felt his heart skip a beat.

The little boy jumped with a squeal, Shawn catching him easily with a joyous laugh of his own, spinning him around as he smothered his tiny face with kisses.

The image in itself deserved its own museum, the love and bond of father and son too strong and powerful that no other could ever compare, but a little part of Shawn wished there was someone else with them, someone who could add more light to the picture, someone who'd treat them both with as much love as they would her, someone who could complete their little family.

Shawn couldn't help but think about his mother's words,

"Angelo will be the one who'd find her for you."

***

"Okay bud, get your favorite cereal and daddy will be right here on the opposite shelf okay?" The boy grinned widely with an excited nod, Shawn ruffling his hair with a chuckle before letting his son scour the shelves. Angelo already knew what he needed to do since Shawn has taken him grocery shopping every time. He knew were to get his favorite cereal, so when Shawn heard a box fall on the floor, he expected that the little boy found what he was looking for.

"Pick that up and put it in the cart, please." Shawn said, never letting his eyes leave the shelf of the packets of oatmeal, but when he didn't hear a response, his brows furrowed. "Angelo?" Shawn stood up straight, eyes scanning the aisle, the panic in him growing when he couldn't find his son. "Shit."

Shawn sprinted to the end of the aisle, looking both ways for any sign of the little boy, but he didn't need to look that far when he heard his little voice just by the next aisle.

"Hi! You so pwetty. Are you my momma?"

"Angelo!" Shawn's eyes grew wide as he heard what he just said, jogging towards his son but immediately slowing himself down when the girl his son was talking with knelt to his height with a bright smile, and Shawn could've sworn his heart stopped for a second.

"You are the sweetest, but no buddy, I'm not your momma." She stated gently with a soft giggle, giving Angelo's arm a soft squeeze. A soft 'oh okay' escaped the boys lips, and Shawn can hear the disappointment in it, his heart breaking for his boy, but before he could intrude, she spoke again,

"But I'm sure wherever she is right now, she's so lucky and proud to have a beautiful and sweet boy like you." Shawn couldn't help but swoon at her words, a smile growing on his face as he stared at the woman adoringly, but he quickly shook his head, are you seriously crushing on someone you don't know right now?

"Hi, I am so sorry. He doesn't usually run off like that, and he doesn't usually ask strangers that question out of the blue either." Shawn lets out a shy chuckle, scratching the back of his neck as his cheeks flushed, but she only gave him a wide smile, standing up to her full height as Shawn grabbed Angelo's hand, the boy smiling up at the two adults as if he knows something they don't.

"Oh no, it's okay really. Are you his dad?"

"Uh yeah, I'm Shawn." Shawn reached a hand out, a light blush growing on his face once she took it, her hands are so soft.

"(Y/N). Anyway, I have to get going; I'll see you around."

"Bye (Y/N)!" The young one exclaimed in delight, his little hand raised as he gave her a wave goodbye, a cute giggle coming out of her when she waved back. "Bye Angelo."

She and Shawn locked eyes for a moment, her flashing him a bright smile with a curt nod before turning on her heel and walking away, his eyes lingering on her back until he was staring at the space where she disappeared, finding it hard to wipe the grin off his face.

"She's so pwetty Dada."

"Yeah, she's something."

(Y/N).

Shawn wonders if he'll ever see her again.

***

"Okay, stay put while I order you some ice cream." The sweater covered boy nodded at his father with a smile, Shawn already picturing his mother, Karen, shaking her head at him for giving into his son's wishes. It was quite chilly out in Toronto, the park they were at only having a handful of people due to the weather, a clear sign that an ice cream isn't exactly a good idea, but how can Shawn say no when Angelo's all pouty and cute?

"Thanks man." Shawn paid for the ice creams, knowing that him and his son would be sitting on a bench somewhere while people watching, looking down only to find Angelo gone. "Oh fuck, not again." The dad groaned, utterly confused and worried as he started searching for his son, not knowing why Angelo seems to run off recently.

He's never been like this before, always scared to be far from his dad when they go out, but now, he seemed to have grown the courage to just walk away to somewhere, or rather someone.

"Angelo! Hi buddy." Shawn almost had a whiplash when he turned around at the sound of his son's name, and not to mention the sound of a familiar voice. Shawn blinked a couple times, his lips slightly parted as he couldn't believe his eyes when it landed on her.

She looked even cuter when she's all bundled up with a comfy coat and a scarf to match his, a wide smile painted on her face as she gave his son a soft and gentle hug. Shawn was so enthralled by her that he didn't notice them approaching, his little boy's hand engulfed in hers.

"Shawn." She greeted, her smile not wavering. Shawn found it odd how he seemed to be so captivated by her given the fact that he knows nothing about her and this is only the second time they've met. She just has this aura around her that he finds himself wondering what more could there be to this simple girl his son seems to run off to.

"Hey, it's you again."

"Yup, your son seemed to remember me."

"I mean, a beautiful girl like you is hard to forget." The words slipped out of Shawn's mouth before he could even stop himself, his cheeks turning crimson as he lets out an awkward chuckle.

(Y/N) couldn't stop herself from blushing as well, looking down at the boy by her side with curios eyes since he was sporting an oddly wide grin, before turning her eyes back to the father. "Uh, thank you."

"Dada can (Y/N) eat ice scweam with us?" Angelo butted in before Shawn could say another word, wondering what is going on inside this 4 year old's head.

"I uh, you can join us if you want, but you don't have to! I mean if you're busy it's okay, I don't want to ruin any of your plans." He rambled as he flashed her a small smile, because as much as Shawn doesn't mind, it wasn't really up to him. Maybe she's with someone, or maybe she has somewhere to get to.

"Sure, a little ice cream in this chilly weather probably won't hurt." She shot Shawn a knowing wink, a soft giggle escaping her lips before she looked down at the little boy, missing the way Shawn's cheeks turned even redder when she did that.

She really is something.

"Why don't you get your ice cream from your dad and come with me while I buy mine?" She spoke softly, Angelo letting out a squeal of joy, grabbing up at Shawn for his ice cream and then then dragging her back to the little ice cream shop.

Shawn watched in awe as the two walked away, his heart thumping in his chest loud and fast just seeing Angelo walk hand in hand with (Y/N) as she says something that made the little boy's laugh ring in the air.

What's with this girl that Angelo seems to be extremely comfortable with her in so little time? Shawn knew it probably wasn't the best idea to let his son walk with a person they know nothing about. But Angelo never just talks to random people, let alone actually walk up to them, and part of Shawn thinks there more to this than what actually meets the eye.

"Hey Shawn, you coming with us or what?" Shawn shook his head with a blink, chuckling to himself before jogging up towards the two of them before they were on the way on finding a good spot in the park where they can people watch.

The three sat on a bench, green trees dancing around them as the chilly wind of Toronto blew pass it leaves, the once still water of the little pond situated in front rippling, followed by the sound of laughter erupting out (Y/N)'s lips as Shawn tells her another dad joke, saying that he gets a pass now since he's technically a dad.

The two hit it off pretty quickly, having a conversation like they've known each other for some time, from the outside looking in, it would've looked liked a family, casually enjoying their time at a park bench, the little one who was sat in the middle smiling brightly at the two adults, sometimes chiming in his two sense in the conversation even if sometimes, he has no idea what they're talking about.

"Oh god, I need a breather." (Y/N) stuttered out as soon as she calmed down from her laughter all while wiping the tears from under her eyes. Shawn smiled proudly at himself, heart warm with his cheeks flushed ever since he heard her laugh the first time around. It was very uncommon for him to find someone extremely attractive in such a short time, but whatever this is, Shawn knows there has to have some kind of reason.

"Oh no, something came up, I need to go." Shawn didn't realize that his smile visibly dropped at her words until (Y/N) tilted her head to the side and gave him a curios look, her lips pursed as she try to contain her smile.

Shawn quickly looked away as he bit his bottom lip, chuckling to himself at how much he's being a teenager right now.

(Y/N) found it so cute how flushed his cheeks was getting, her heart beating rapidly against her rib cage but she maintained a calm composure on the outside, thinking that her younger self would have been fainting right there on the spot.

Of course she knew who he was, being that there was a huge billboard of his face on the highway, and his songs playing on the radio more than once, how can she not?

She was also a huge fangirl a while back, but, life happened. She grew up, moved on, and kinda distanced herself from the world behind the computer screen as she tries to be more present in the real world.

And Shawn knows too, that she knows about his career and all that jazz, it was one of the things they've talked about during their conversation, but none of them changed the way they see each other as they carried on, having a person to person interaction and nothing more.

(Y/N) stood up with a smile, Shawn mirroring her actions as they faced each other, ready to bid their goodbyes.

"It was nice hanging out with you." Shawn stood there awkwardly, not knowing if he should go for the hug or the hand shake, but before he could decide, she only nodded and said, "Yeah you too." then she was kneeling down to Angelo's height, her smile wide and bright as she raised her hand for a high five, Angelo connecting there palms with a cute giggle.

"Bye Angelo."

"Bye bye (Y/N)"

"I'll see you two around." And with that, (Y/N) stood back up, gave Shawn a smile and walked away again, a nagging voice inside Shawn's head telling him that he was forgetting something, that he's supposed to chase after her and asked for something, the nagging voice quickly turning into words by his one and only son.

"Dada why you not get her number?" Shawn looked down at the boy fully amused, brows furrowed with his mouth slightly parted.

"Bud, you're 4, what do you know about getting a girl's number?"

"I dunno. Uncle Brian said if she's pretty and you like her, you get her number." Shawn couldn't help but laugh. Of course, who else would Angelo get that from?

"Let's go home buddy."

Shawn wasn't sure if he was ready to date yet. That was the main reason why he didn't get her number. He doesn't know if he will ever be ready to try and have a girlfriend again, he's been single for 4 years, and a part of him is scared about how it will ended up.

Not only that, what if Angelo gets too attached to her and they don't work out in the long run? That would be another big problem Shawn doesn't want to face.

Yeah he does feel some kind of connection with her, but what if she isn't the one? What if them meeting up because of Angelo was just a coincidence?

Well, Shawn used to think that it was just coincidence, until it happened the third time around.

It was one early Saturday morning when Shawn decided to take Angelo out for breakfast, opting for that little café down the street. The sun rays were bright, the sound of a bell ringing when Shawn pulled the door open for his boy, the little one jogging inside and going straight for the counter.

Shawn was ordering their food when he heard the bell sound off again, turning around instinctively, Shawn expected someone to walk in, but his eyes grew wide when he saw Angelo walk out of the cafe, his little figure coming to view by the glass window.

"Shit!" Shawn was in a sprint in a matter of seconds, yanking the door open in a rush that it would've come off its hinges.

"Angelo get back here!" He called out, chasing the now running boy as fast as he could because even though with tiny legs, the little boy seemed to have gone farther than he expected. Shawn's heart thumped even faster when he saw his son round up the corner of the street, disappearing completely from his sight.

"Oh god." Shawn's panic grew, thinking that when he reaches that corner, Angelo would be nowhere to be seen, that he'd be too late and his son would be lost in this huge city.

Making a sharp turn, Shaw came to a complete stop just in time to see Angelo reach for a strangers hand, the girl stopping in confusion when he felt someone grab at her, but when she looked down, her eyes grew wide in shock, same as Shawn when he saw her face.

"No way."

(Y/N)'s gaze snapped at Shawn's voice, eyes staring at him in pure confusion as she looked down at he boy who was grinning like he didn't just give his father a heart attack.

"He ran off again?" She asked teasingly, taking in how Shawn seemed to be out of breath, little beads of sweat on his forehead glistening under the morning sun.

"Give me a sec." Shawn panted, hands resting on his knees as he tried to regain his breathing. Not that he was out of shape, but running wit your heart beating so fast out of fear that you might have lost your son would definitely knock the breath out of you.

"We got to stop meeting like this Shawn." She giggled, shaking her head at the dad who inhaled deeply before standing straight up with a huge exhale, and when Shawn finally took in her appearance, he felt like he couldn't breathe again.

It was obvious that she just went on an early morning jog, with hair up in a ponytail, tights hugging her legs paired with an equally tight tank top and running shoes, Shawn just couldn't seem to take his eyes off her.

Boy he was crushing so hard.

"I swear this doesn't always happen. But when it does, it's always you he finds." Shawn blurted, eyes leaving hers as it looked with his young man, was still smiling widely, eyes going back in forth between the two adults.

"Huh, what a coincidence." (Y/N) marveled, looking at Shawn with a curios glance.

I think not. Shawn knew that there was some kind of meaning behind this, maybe it's a sign that he should try it with her and see where it goes, and judging by the way Angelo seems to brighten up at the sight of her, Shawn knew it definitely was worth a shot.

"And you young man, stop giving your dad a hard time." She giggled, kneeling down to ruffle Angelo's little tuff of hair, the boy giggling a soft 'I'm sowwy' before sprinting towards his dad and hugging his legs.

"It's alright bud, just don't do it again." Shawn chuckled, giving his son a soft squeeze, and a kiss on top of his head, the sight making (Y/N)'s heart warm as she watched the two boys with adoration in her eyes.

She looked down with shake of her head, feeling like she was intruding with their moment, "Well, I better get going, I'll see you two around."

"Wait." (Y/N) stopped in heat tracks, turning back around to see Shawn walking up towards her, a nervous smile on his lips as his hand scratched the back of his neck while the other was interlaced with the little boy by his side.

"I uh, can I have you number? I'd like to see you again. Like not in this way where I always loss Angelo." Shawn chuckled shyly, cheeks all flush and (Y/N) couldn't help but smile at the man.

"Of course." She smiled brightly, Shawn seeming to find her even more gorgeous every time she does.

And with an exchange of contacts, they were waving goodbye again, but this time, Shawn was sure he'll be seeing her again.

"Finally." Angelo mumbled, Shawn completely taken aback by his son's comment, shaking his head with a scoff he said, "What do you mean finally?"

"You take so long to get her number Dada."

Shawn rolled his eyes, trying his best to wrap his mind that his son was four but he was already judging Shawn's game with girls. But nonetheless, Shawn was grateful for his son, because after that little encounter, (Y/N) and him grew closer, and Shawn felt happy to have someone by his side who not only understands his lifestyle, but also cares about Angelo as much as he does.

Months of dating turned into a year, her being such an amazing and supportive girlfriend that Shawn just keeps falling deeper and deeper in love with her. She's always there for both boys no matter what the cause, whether be it on tour or back at Shawn's condo when the three of them are all huddled up on the couch watching whatever Disney movie there was.

Karen loved her right off the bat when they met at Angelo's 5th birthday. The lovely woman knowing that (Y/N) fits perfectly with the two boys just by seeing the three of them together, it was like a picture perfect family, the joy and love radiating off of them that anyone close by would always have a smile on their faces.

It was when Shawn saw her in be with his family that he knew she was for keeps. Just seeing her laugh and bond with his mum, having inside jokes with Aaliyah, and even bond over sports with his dad, Shawn couldn’t have asked for a perfect girl in his life.

Shawn knew that he wanted (Y/N) for the long run, he was madly in love with her that he can see nothing else but a future with her. Shawn was deep into the hole that he knew he can never turn back. More so when he caught the little conversation Angelo and she had one Monday night.

It's been a week since (Y/N) finally decided to officially move in with them, and as she always does, she tucking Angelo into bed as Shawn cleaned up the toys that was littered in the living room, finishing just in time that when he walked towards Angelo's room, he heard the little boy's voice speak,

"(Y/N), will you be my momma?" Angelo questioned out of the blue with a tired smile, a tiny yawn following suit as he eyed the girl with hopeful eyes, (Y/N) halting her movements as she looked at the boy in complete surprise, heart racing as it was the first time Angelo's brought up that word.

She sat down gently on the edge of his bed, the little boy sporting his matching blue pajama set while he was well tucked underneath the cover. Her hand reaching out, she flashed the boy a bright smile, hand coming up to cup his cheek, her touch soft and gentle, just as a mother's should.

"I'll be whoever you want me to be bud." She stated gently, Shawn watching by the door with a huge grin on his face, the sight doing nothing but melting his heart over and over.

"I want you to be my Momma, Dada wants you to be my Momma too." (Y/N) couldn’t help but giggle, her heart warm and fuzzy as he looked at the young boy with so much love like he was her own. She loved Angelo with all her heart and she would gladly take a bullet for the young one anytime, just as much with the boy's dad.

"Is that so?"

"Hmm, are you my momma now?" (Y/N) smiled, recalling the first words Angelo said to her when they first met, back at the grocery store. She looked behind her when she heard the door creak, seeing Shawn leaning against the door frame with his arms crossed over his chest, a wide grin on his lips as he gave (Y/N) a knowing nod, the girl giving Shawn an equally wide smile before turning her attention back to Angelo.

"Yes Angelo, I'm your Momma now." She whispered, Angelo's face lighting up more than ever before at her words as he jolted up and threw his arms around her neck, giving her the warmest embrace she has ever felt in her life, an embrace that made her feel welcomed, made her feel loved, and it took everything in her strength to keep the tears at bay.

"Good night momma, I love you." The little boy whispered as he went straight back to bed, eyes slowly fluttering close with the smile still on his lips. (Y/N) leaned down, her soft lips connecting with his forehead as she whispered back, "I love you too angel." With as soft sigh of content, she stood up, reaching over to Angelo's beside table to turn on his lamp, a cute little spinning one that illuminated the room with the shapes of moons and stars. She gave the boy one last glance before turning on her heel towards the door, her man smiling widely at her as he flicked the main light off, closing the door gently behind once she joined him outside.

(Y/N) didn't go that far down the hall when Shawn was quick to wrap his arms around her waist, turning her around with his head dipping as he captured her lips in his, a soft giggle coming out of her as she kissed him back immediately, her fingers getting lose in the curls in the back of his head, Shawn grinning wide at the beautiful sound, at the beautiful girl in his arms.

"I finally found you. Finally found the one." He whispered against her lips, a soft sigh of content leaving his lips as he pulled away, pressing his forehead against hers for him to look at her in the eyes, pure love swimming in his brown orbs. (Y/N) bit her lips with a knowing look, eyebrow raised as she shook her head lightly at the man she was so in love with.

"You didn’t find me mister, Angelo did, don't take the credit." Shawn laughed, but didn't bother to argue, it was true after all.

"Fine, I won't. But thank you (Y/N), thank you for completing my–well, our family." (Y/N) nudged the tip of her nose with his, eyes staring back in his with equally as much love as his show, "I'm honored to be a part of it." Shawn was quick to press his lips against hers again, him taking a sharp inhale of breath as he took her in, so happy to have her in his life, in both his and Angelo's lives.

"Say, should we try and give Angelo a younger sibling?" Shawn added cheekily, teeth nipping gently at her bottom lip as his hands slowly went down to cup her bum. (Y/N) giggled, "I don't see why not." She winked, Shawn wasting no time as he hoisted her up with ease with a deep chuckle, a small squeal escaping her lips with her legs wrapping around his waist securely as Shawn carried her to the bedroom, ready to make her feel all his love, in more ways than one.

-:-:-:-:-

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[prorevenge]

Bully me for four years, I'll make sure you go nowhere in life.

I apologize for the unusually long back story TL; DR at the bottom.

So to understand all of what I'm going to write its important to understand that I was bullied heavily in school. I have talked now and again about it here in the past and understanding this is important to understand why this person effected me so much. After leaving school things started to get better, it took me a while to recover with the help of some great friends. At one point I needed to start looking for work. At this point, it was 2005 - 06. Things weren't going so well in the job market around my area and being broke I couldn't just leave for better pastures so I ended up joining the army instead. It didn't last (that's another story), what's important happened after. While I was away my friend's group picked up a couple more nerds for the crew. Among these was useless bully (or UB for short). Thing is that this guy was a gamer like everyone else for the exception of one large quark. He was very egotistical and really liked talking shit. It didn't take long for him to single me out, it really does seem like bullies can sniff out what they call a good target. He really likes to talk shit, often crossing the line between common bullcrappery and real insults. It was obvious he didn't seem to like me but for some reason liked having me around. Some of my other friends even noticed and tried getting him to stop but he took it like a badge of honor, even told me so himself once. I'm not going to get any deeper about what he did as its not the point of this story.

So now you ask why did I stick around and why did my friends put up with such a douchebag. Well, for one thing, I knew my friends far longer then he was around and they were fine. They themselves weren't good at conflict and UB was very smart. He knew exactly what to say to skirt around things if needed. So part of the time they would enable him and the rest he knew how to manipulate them so they would give a pass. It was an abuse cycle, he would act like an asshat one moment and the next to be all nice, in the end, they got too used to this and became a little blind to what he was doing.

But let's continue. I'll start with one particular event that started it all. As anyone who knows me knows, I'm a computer geek. I like to work on them, build them and so on, and it's important to know that so does UB. Like a typical bully, he labeled me as incompetent in all things and treated me accordingly. So to him, I am not even a novice, even though by the time I met him I already started building. Enter that key moment. One night after a night of LOL (League of Legends) I decided to ask the guys something. I asked him and the rest what the L cache was for a CPU. Something I didn't know yet at the time. He, of course, blew me off. Later that night I googled it and while doing so I had an epiphany. Just because UB refused to be helpful shouldn't mean I can't be. So I started offering help at work, beginning with word of mouth then over time I went freelance and time marched on. I eventually moved away met my now wife and broke ties with UB. I kept up with some of my friends though, if they wanted to be friends with him I didn't care as long as they respected the fact that we won't be going near each other.

Time still passed, I got better as a freelancer and eventually earned my way into a legit IT job in my home town. Things are great, one of my dream jobs. Eventually, the shit hit the fan when not long ago my co-worker got fired for doing something he shouldn't have done. (Don't ask, I'm not going to post any info about it.) This of course left a spot open. In the search for a replacement, I offered the spot to one of my friends who declined, but through him, as I found later, UB found out. Low and behold a couple of applicants later he showed up for an interview. My boss sets these up and would take my exco-worker to the interviews, but now I fill that role. So when UB showed up I was surprised, I kept my cool though and so did he. It was obvious he recognized me but shown no fear. Remember this guy is really egotistical and probably thinks things are in the bag already. The interview was normal, I'll skip to the nitty-gritty here so I'll skip to the later part of the interview. Please note that any extra info trickled to me over the years was from the friends that still hang out with him.

B =Boss UB= Useless bully Me=Me and only me.

B: Do you have any experience in an independent team environment?

UB: I'm a manager at Wall-Mart and I know the ins and outs of teamwork. I can handle myself. (Note he managed the electronics and wasn't very respected)

Me: Do you have any experience with a ticket system or ordering system.

UB: No, but I think I can handle it.

Boss: On your resume, you turned in says you went to college for a degree in computer repair but you forgot to put in when. When did you get your degree?

UB: I forgot to finish that I actually finished a year ago.

I knew this was bs, he actually graduated a year before I met him so it's been over a decade by this point. At this point, I started to lay down some pressure and sow the roots of this mans demise.

Me: In your resume, it only shows you working at two different places and there is a time gap in between both of several years, can you explain that?

UB: Oh that was a typo I worked at xx place for a while, I ended up quitting and a month later I started as a manager at Wall-Mart.

Note that made that whole thing suspicious because I knew for a long time he job hopped a lot, even while we hung out he lost three jobs. He did actually get hired straight into his role at Wall-Mart but he didn't mention the job where earned his way up to that position and got fired for being an asshole to his co-workers.

Me: If a computer went down on the shop floor, how would you handle the situation?

UB: I would go down and fix it duh.

Me: What if it was completely unserviceable.

UB: No, there is nothing I can't fix.

His ego was showing through, just as I wanted. Time to start cutting this interview down to size.

Me: So if the memory were to say go bad, your telling me you could fix that?

UB: Well I'm sure I could handle it.

My boss looked at me a bit wondering about why I kept going with it but he let me continue.

UB: Don't you have replacements for memory and things?

Me: Some times.

UB: Well that's bull.

I was surprised he said that but I knew he was starting to slip. He gets mouthy when he feels his ego is being stroked even if it's just him doing the stroking.

Me: So out of your experience, would you say you are a hardware specialist or a program specialist.

UB: I can do both but I can lean towards hardware. I can fix anything you toss my way.

Me: So lets test that a bit. Boss do you have any hardware questions you want answering?

Boss: Sure, how long does a coax cable have to be before any signal degradation starts?

UB: uhhu.

He struggled, I could tell he slipped, that question is my bosses go to question because most people don't know it and he really just wants to see how they respond.

UB: I don't remember at the moment, I did some work hooking up cable for people in the past when the cable company needed some help so I'll remember it sooner or later.

MORE BS.

My boss was seeing through it to, he knows this business like the back of his hand so he knows what's up.

Boss: "Me" do you have any questions?

The sign my boss was done with the interview.Me: Sure just one last question.

I turn to UB and I grin. I look him dead in the eye and ask.

Me: So what's the purpose of the L cache of a standard CPU?

He went white, he knew the jig was up. I don't think he fully knew what I meant but he knew enough to know when to give up.

UB: I don't know that one, it was never brought up in class.

I accepted his last statement, and we ended the interview. My boss told him he would be contacted within 24 to 48 hours with any results. He left and my boss looked at me a little annoyed. He asked me what was going on and I explained it all. That I knew UB, what kind of person he was and about the lies on his resume and in the interview. I told him I just wanted to give him a chance to either mess it up or prove he could handle it. My boss is pretty understanding so he let it go. Needless to say, UB was not chosen to fill the vacant spot.

Two days later UB showed up at my door unexpected. It was Saturday and I figured he found my place through one of the others. My wife answered the door not knowing who he was. Dude fricken walked in like he owned the place. I stopped him at the front mudroom, there was no way I was going to let him in any further. Note that there was more yelling than this but I cut it down for simplification.

UB: So what the hell happened?

Me: What not even a hello how are you?

UB: I never got a callback so I called to ask and they said I didn't get the job.

Dude had a bad tone in his voice, I knew he was here just to rage. A person that egocentric always blames others and I was target numero uno.

Me: What the hell are you here for!?

UB: What the hell did you tell him about me?

Me: Nothing that wasn't true, now get the fuck out!

UB: Bullshit, I know you can't really handle that kind of work, what did you do, suck some one-off? You just didn't want around because you know I would upstage you!

Me: What the hell would you know, you wouldn't even let me talk about computers when we hung out, you just labeled me and treated me like shit. Dude, I told my boss exactly what happened, how it happened, I didn't have to lie or exaggerate. You choose to act terribly, you choose to bully someone, you choose to create a bad representation of your self, as far I see it, its just karma. If you really cared instead of barging into my house you would be trying to fix where you fucked up.

UB: I don't need to do anything, go back and fix it!

Me: Screw you get the hell out before I call the cops.

UB: I'm not afraid of them.

Me: Fine!

I yelled to my wife to call the cops, after this UB new I wasn't screwing around and left in a huff.

The aftermath so far from this is him calling everyone he could to tell them how bad of a person I am like some 14-year-old kid bitching to his classmates at school. Figures because of how immature he really is, or at least, in my opinion anyway. So far no one has taken him seriously enough and some of my friends said he is still fuming but pretty demoralized. As for the position, it has yet to filled.

TL;DR Friends introduce a bully to the group, he shits on me for four years so years later I screw him out of his dream job and a better life.

(source) story by (/u/Atlusfox)

[thegeminisage]

hey liz i've been thinking a lot about story structure lately and i wanted your take on how you decide what structure your stories will have? i know there's that "you have to do what your story needs and tells you to do" thing but these bitches dont ever tell me anything they just multiply so. thoughts? - bma

(as an aside, i don't know whether involving medium would change many things but it may be worth considering. mainly i think medium is just a matter of arrangement and that the story would be for most intents and purposes the same no matter how you choose to tell it. i guess you could argue that structure is arrangement in itself and intrinsically tied to medium but i sort of feel like it is secondary arrangement, if at all? like if you consider time as an element to outline -- the time IN the story (how things happen to your characters) is not necessarily the time you’re telling the story IN (how you are telling your reader that things are happening) aka internal chronology doesnt equal your work’s pacing? or should it??? does this make sense? i dont think so. i am sorry.) - bma :|

NOOO dont be sorry ur making total sense

i think there’s 3 thots to unpack here (medium, structure, & chronology) & i’m gonna start with medium bc it’s easier. im also putting it behind a cut bc it’s gonna get just stupidly long and rambly. i’m sorry in advance if it’s not helpful to you, i have a lot to say for someone who has never taken even one single class on writing and as a result doesn’t know jack shit (there’s a tl;dr at the end dont worry)

about MEDIUM: 

so like ok i’m just some goof-off with a HS degree who writes fanfiction but In My Very Super Qualified Personal Opinion, i don’t think that most of the time medium is intrinsically tied to STRUCTURE of the main storytelling arc...i think the art of storytelling itself is distinct from the medium you choose to tell the story IN. this post puts it better than i ever could but basically for me, i feel like the story itself is sort of the raw, malleable concept, and the medium you choose to tell it in is how you convey the information??

like in a book, you can say “she forgot her keys” and in a film you have to show her smacking her forehead, heading back into the house, and swiping her keeps off the counter. you can’t TELL in film, you have to show. similarly i regret every day i cannot perfectly describe a facial expression with words when i see it so clearly in my head. for audio-only podcasts that are dialogue heavy out of necessity you have different limitations than you would for, say, animated music videos with no dialogue at all. games allow for more interactivity and exploration while sacrificing accessibility, tv shows allow for more length while sacrificing, uh, a big hollywood budget...medium affects the kind of story you can reasonably tell which is why some stories are better suited to one medium than another. i think trying things in other mediums is a good way to stretch your storytelling muscles but with enough skill nearly any story could be told in any medium. i think when trying to decide on a medium you just gotta weigh the pros & cons and what you feel comfortable with/what you think would be most effective/what would evoke the strongest reaction

re: structure:

firstly “do what the story tells u to do” is a little silly like...the story isn’t sentient. come on. that’s like “i can only write when the writing gods inspire me” there are no writing gods! inspire yourself! it’s all in our weird messed up brains! ok anyway.

this is, again, just how i do things, and i am 700% self-taught so take it with a grain of salt, but when i sit down and start blocking out a story from scratch i don’t...actually consider the big structure at all! sorry if that’s not helpful to you. i like to make a list of everything i want to happen, and then put it together in a few different orders to see what looks best. and when i’m finished, whatever i have just like...IS the structure i go with, with perhaps minor tinkering to make it flow more smoothly. (i think this might be in the same spirit as “do what the story tells you” with less bullshit and more Agency Of The Writer.)

for long and more complex projects, i actually usually have several lists - one list of stuff that is, for example, the Action Plot (the kingdom has been cursed, i’m tracking down my serial killer sister to bring her to justice, i’m running from djinn who wanna kill my dad, i’m trying to bring my dead not-boyfriend back to life). then i have another list for Character A & Character B’s romance or whatever. and maybe a even another one for solo character development (magicphobic prince learns to love magic, former werewolf hunter figures out his family is a cult, half-demon learns to embrace his own nature). and as many lists as we need for however many Main Characters and or Plots/Sideplots

how i order the lists: individually first. don’t mix them together to start with. when deciding the order of an individual list i like to, for example in a romance arc, use escalating intimacy. “A and B have dinner together” is naturally gonna go way sooner than “A and B kiss” or “A and B talk about A’s angsty backstory” because that’s more satisfying. draw it out, good/important stuff last, dangle that carrot so we have a reason to keep reading! for singular character development, it’s basically a straightforward point A to point B...if i want my guy to start hating magic with everything he is and end up being very comfortable with it, i have to put “reluctantly uses magic to save his own life” WAYYY before “casually using magic to light torches and reheat his cold stew.” 

the tricky part for me is when i’m done with these lists and then i need to mix them together To Pace My Whole Story. (this is usually why i wind up with a rainbow colored spreadsheet.) i don’t like to put too many things too close together because then the pace feels uneven. even if my Action Plot is only a thinly veiled excuse for romance and character development, i still don’t want to focus on a romance for 30,000 words and then go “and oh yeah in case you forgot Serial Killing Sister is still coming for your asses.” the more sideplots and major character arcs you’re juggling the harder it is to get an even distribution, which is my main concern always

and like, generally, whatever i have when i’m finished...is my structure. (sorry.) 

i don’t know much about the classic 3-act or anything like that, but i usually can divide them up into 3-5 big arcs based on story turning points. sometimes i take a scene out of one arc and put it in another because it fits better and i like for my shit to be organized, but usually by the time i’m finished with all that, that’s what the final story is mostly gonna look like. (there have been a few exceptions when i realized i needed extra scenes/changes while i was MID-DRAFT and let me tell you that murders me EVERY time. it happened on the merlin fic i’m currently posting and that was like my own personal hell.)

this is also where thots about chronology come in:

i think time CAN be an element of this if you WANT it to be, but it doesn’t HAVE to be. if you want it to be, i would consider it just another “list” like character development or the romance arc. 

i usually plot without considering Time very much...to me, it’s all down to the events you want to show, and however much time it takes is the byproduct. if you want to show something from a character’s chilhood but then tell the bulk of it when they’re adults, that’s one thing. if you want to show a scene from their childhood, teenhood, young adulthood, etc, that’s a different kind of pacing?? i usually do it this way so i can regard time like wordcount: it takes as long as it takes. 3 days or 3 years, a 1.5k drabble or a 100k epic...overall, my LARGEST CONCERN is that even distribution. in the same way that i don’t want one chapter to be 30,000 words when the rest are 10,000 words, i personally am not a fan of huge timeskips offscreen

(because this where i think someone’s own internal chronology DOES matter...this is just a personal preference, as a reader i have a hard time really comprehending, say, a year timeskip or a 10yr timeskip when all i did was turn one page. like, a year is such a long time. i can’t even begin to describe how different i am now to how i was a year ago. it’s the same for character development. time IS development and as a writer i’m not really comfortable having that take place offscreen - for main characters, at least. it’s just too jarring. a little prologue with something happening 10 or 20 years ago is usually fine, but for the most part, i’m not a fan. ...i can do one chapter per year a lot easier than i can do two chapters in childhood and the other 8 in adulthood. of course you can play with this a LOT with nonlinear storytelling, which is a whole other very cool thing, and someone skilled in their work can keep me sucked in no matter what, but imo if you don’t want to risk throwing your reader out of your work it’s better to keep things steady)

HOWEVER sometimes time IS an element u wanna consider outside of just making sure your shit is evenly distributed...if your heart is moved to tell a story in a specific timeframe, over a year, or from solstice to solstice (this was almost the timeline for my merlin fic and then i changed it), for the first six months of a friendship, or even a huge journey in the span of a single day (toby fox had a lot of success with this one lol).

i think it can help to choose a start and end point for your chronology the same way you do for character development (prince goes from hating magic to being ok with it, story takes place from ages 8 to 25, or from new year’s eve 2038 to 2039, whatever) - that way you can keep your distribution even, if that’s a thing you want to do...even if you have a lot of skips you can still note what happens offscreen to make it work better in your head? like, if you just make it another List, another column on your spreadsheet, when you’re in the early stages of organizing you can be conscious of it and make sure it’s playing into the story the way you want it to

anyway these r my thots im SOOOO SORRY this is so long lmao. brain machine broke today which is why i had to ramble more to explain myself. the tl;dr in case ur brain is melting out of ur ears & u didn’t sign up for an essay:

imo medium is totally distinct from storytelling tho ofc some stories are better suited to some mediums

structure? i don’t know her. i plot w/o regard to structure and then if it looks funny i mush it into a more structurally sound shape

my main concern when structuring anything, including time, is an even distribution of Events and a steady rate of escalation

structure to me is just what i have when i’m finished plotting. i’m sorry one day i’m gonna take a writing class

internal chronology matters to me personally because i have a little bit of time blindness but maybe not to everyone, i know many very successful stories where they disregarded that entirely to no ill effect

writer’s block isn’t real! everyone just needs more rainbow spreadsheets

thank u for asking I HOPE i didn’t make you regret it too badly lmao and that at least a little of it was helpful!! 

[epicpastefailure]

Finally, that long pan-to-bi story.

The only reason I changed from bi to pan in the first place is I believed the hype about pan being more inclusive and I'm not wedded to a Type, so I thought it fit better.  I actually didn't have any animosity towards bisexuality because I was already happily identifying as bi by the time I came across this discourse, though ages before that I briefly hesitated on doing so because I knew I preferred men and didn't want to be saying something that wasn't true "just to look cool or something".  (Didn't realize as a young one it's not about raw numbers.)  I bring that up only because I'm the type of person who wants to be extra-sure a label is correct before I apply it to me - meaning that if I had known in advance about real bi history I certainly wouldn't have changed in the first place.

The change to pan was during some of the earliest days of tumblr, something like 2012~2014, back when I was much more credulous than I am now and assuming the people making lists and infographics about LGBT things were both well-informed and also acting in good faith, when it's clear now that a lot of them were at the least not well-informed.  I also happened to be fortunate enough to be among people, parents included, who had no problem with my sexuality, so I wasn't thinking very critically about my labels and the history behind them except to choose what seemed to be the most "accurate".  What changed my mind was continually encountering bi people explaining why they preferred bi to pan (one irritated person finding pan- identifiers to represent "one more person who decided bi wasn't good enough"; even when I wasn't ready to retract yet, that stuck with me), explaining that bi didn't mean the things that non-bisexuals had decided it meant and never meant those things, and it finally occurred to me:

"Well, to me it's a complicated question, because if bi- is not to mean "two" or to necessarily imply a limitation then I don't see a real point to pan- anymore, and this is as somebody who would call myself pansexual.  There's no functional difference between "I'm into all genders" and "gender doesn't matter to me", though a difference is there.  The way that pan would make sense as distinct is as a way of saying the person has no type, no preferences or no strong ones.  Like a bi person might still have a look or a personality they prefer in a partner, but with a pan person all you really need to do is "click" with someone.  But if even that definition doesn't work, then pan is pretty much unnecessary."

I have no idea what circa I wrote that (more than a couple of years ago) but I clearly intended to post it as a response to something, and never got around to it.  I even forgot that I had already parsed all this out until recently.

After getting past that point, the only reason I didn't ditch pan sooner is, I admit, liking the flag better, since CMY(+K) = full color spectrum (although I knew that's not the original intent of the choices, it just ended up that way) and I disliked the bi colors.  I mean, it wasn't just "I don't like this as much as that", back then I thought the bi flag was just outright ugly.  Didn't like the "drab look", didn't like the colors, didn't feel a connection to it at all (when I didn't know what the symbolism was).  Pan's was brighter and "more beautiful" and more pleasing... (putting it that way, it seems like my reactions to the flags more or less mirror those of pan identifiers who take a dim view of what they think bisexuality is, looks like, and means).  And it did factor into why I jumped ship to pan all those years ago, maybe more strongly than being led to believe pan was "more accurate".

May I digress about that?  I guess because that's the motivation for more than a few people, it is pretty relevant.  I've been slowly getting over it because when I paused to really look at them, the bi colors are actually very nice - it seems I just didn't like the plum-ish lavender between the magenta and blue.  I've seen a version of the flag with a way prettier lavender shade I actually like (but the flag's creator's only request was to keep the shades consistent, so I must).  The result of the symbolism of the color choices, though, is actually very close to how I instinctively felt about bisexuality and the exact nature of the genuine pride I take in/joy I feel about being bi, having all doors open to me.  What is there not to like?

Even then just over the flag is not a good reason to have a whole other label for the exact same sexuality.  I guess it was just hard for me to get past my gut reaction and realize that, 'cause I don't like to realize I've been wrong/misguided for really silly reasons even if it's been a long time and I've learned and changed since then.  (I have to be honest, too, the symbolism of the pan flag is not only less coherent than the bi flag's (by focusing on divisions instead of blending and mixing), but seems to have led some people to assume that the bi flag uses the same type of symbolism, when it's actually one of the ones that doesn't use gendered/gender-role-based colors at all (which I like).  I actually saw a bi-identified person say "The purple stripe on the bi flag is meant to represent attraction to nb genders"... no, that's not even close to what it means...)

So just a few months ago, before I even had any clue about the huge pushback going on, I finally cut the cord and jettisoned pan, even the colors.  Not before buying a couple pan flag things at a ComiCon, unfortunately, but one I would have gotten anyway because it was the pan colors with the words "Pretentious Bisexual".  I thought that was perfect and had no idea that was Shots Fired at the time, lol.

Had I known back then what big problems pansexuality has been causing for bisexuality I wouldn't have waffled for as long as I did.  But I have to say, even if I still ID'd as pan, I wouldn't think it's "erasure" or "-phobia" to acknowledge that in the modern use it's another word for bi, because that is a true fact (and one I was kind of already aware of even back then; for instance when labelling my own bisexual characters, even "being pan" I couldn't just say they were pan since bi was "so close to the same thing" and I never wanted to throw bisexuality under the bus by excluding it when it could apply.  I always said "bi/pan").  And even if someone disagrees they shouldn't shit on bi people, holy fuck, and then go on to wonder why people find "pan" to be anti-bi.

(It IS biphobic anyway, because as pointed out bi has historically meant what pan was "supposed to fix about it".  Nobody's saying IDing as pan is inherently a violent attack, it's fully possible to be biphobic out of simple ignorance.  It's okay; you can fix it.)

[cj-jacobs]

Okay, this isn’t the Christmas fic that I still haven’t finished (had a family tragedy right after the holiday, it’s a long story, but I will finish it as soon as I can.) But last year, I was asked by an anon to write a fic based on the Bechloe tags I wrote on this Valentine’s Day post. I wrote the fic last year and almost forgot about it until yesterday, then remembered I said I would post it *this* Valentine’s Day. It’s short, and is meant to fit in with PP1 canon. 

The gifs at the end are reposted with the permission of the incomparable fandom queen, the Artist Formerly Known as Snodes.

Aaaand I just realized as I’m posting it that I have no title for this, lol. If I think of one I’ll add it later. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Beca ducks her head into the doorway of the rehearsal room, halfway hoping it’ll be dark and empty and she can just go back to her room and pretend she forgot they were supposed to be doing Bellas “outreach” tonight. Even the word makes her cringe. But no, there’s Chloe, standing at the whiteboard, doodling hearts and rainbows. When she glances over and sees Beca, she erases them, a little guiltily.

“Hey,” Beca says, coming further into the room.

“Hey! Where have you been? Everyone else got started half an hour ago.”

“Sorry, I know, I know,” she says with a sheepish air. “I fell asleep.”

Chloe looks incredulous. “Before eight p.m.? On Valentine’s Day?”

“Yes,” Beca says testily. “Because my life is awesome. Thank you for reminding me.” She looks around the empty space. “Are you the only one here?”

“I’m supposed to catch up with Aubrey. But I wanted to wait for you.”

Beca gives her a strange look. They’ve been friends for a few months now and spend a ton of time together, but she feels like she isn’t any closer to figuring Chloe out. “You didn’t have to.”

“I know.”

As she approaches closer to the whiteboard, Chloe only now seems to notice her red hoodie. “Beca.” She sounds disappointed. “You were supposed to wear pink.”

“Yeah, I know that, and this is literally as close as my wardrobe gets to pink. So,” she shrugs. “Take it or leave it.”

Adjusting fast, Chloe assures her, “No, it’s fine. Red is good, too. You’ll clash with Amy, but luckily, this is the one day of the year when red and pink are allowed to mingle. Oh, except for, you know, on me.” She gestures at herself. “In which case it’s always allowed, because I’m the only ginger on the planet who looks hot in pink.”

“Congratulations.” Beca gives her a wry smile, but can’t exactly argue the point. Tonight she’s wearing a light pink sweater with darker pink hearts embroidered on the front of it, and the whole thing seems to be doused in glitter, but somehow, on Chloe, it looks good. “Speaking of Amy, where is she?” Beca asks. “Because I’m not doing this alone.”

“She already left, you’ll have to track her down.” Chloe picks up a clipboard from the top of the piano and consults it. “Let’s see, this time, you two are doing... Baker, Hammons, and Jackson Halls.”

“You gave me the dorm where I live? Chloe, that’s humiliating.”

“Sorry,” Chloe says with a slight grimace. “Luck of the draw.”

Closing her eyes for a second, Beca mutters, “I don’t know if I can do this.”

“Well, you have to. It’s an official Bellas duty.” Chloe takes her phone from her pocket and holds it up in a threatening way. “Do I need to call Aubrey?”

“No, oh my God!” Beca stops her, alarmed by the thought that she might actually call her. “Fine. I’ll do it.”

Chloe looks smug as she puts the phone away.

“Damn,” Beca says under her breath, a little impressed. “That was so hardcore.”

From behind the piano, Chloe drags out a massive and beat-up cardboard box. Beca by now has enough experience as a Bella to hate the sight of it. It’s their props box.

“Okay, so, here’s your bow. And your quiver of arrows. I love the word quiver, don’t you?” Chloe asks confidentially, miming a sultry little shudder. “It brings back memories of all those erotic novels my grandma gave me.”

Beca makes a perplexed face but decides it’s best not to pursue the matter. She reluctantly takes the bow and quiver from Chloe, giving an exaggerated stagger at the weight, which Chloe ignores.

“Okay,” Beca sighs. “Is that it?”

“Do you know how to use it?” Chloe asks. “Want to take it for a test run?”

Glancing at the bow, Beca says, “You know what, I’ll figure it out.” The sooner she gets started, the sooner this whole thing will be over.

“Okay. Just some pointers, it helps if you close one eye when you’re aiming,” Chloe offers. “And, um, if you can, try not to shoot directly at anyone’s eyes or testicles. We don’t need another lawsuit.”

Beca pauses as she adjusts the quiver, but again decides not to press for details. “Cool.” She turns toward the exit, but Chloe stops her.

“Oh, wait! You almost forgot your wings. The most important part of the costume.”

Beca turns back, looking miserable. “Is that really necessary?” she whines. “This already sucks so hard.”

“Of course it’s necessary. It’s what makes you a Cupid,” Chloe insists as she hands over the wings. “Otherwise, you’re just a freak in a hoodie shooting arrows at people.”

Beca considers this. “Valid point,” she admits.

“I’m wearing some too, see?” Chloe says in a coaxing manner, lifting a second pair of wings from the box and slipping into them easily, like she’s done it a hundred times.

“Is that supposed to make this less embarrassing?” Beca’s still holding her wings out in front of her, stalling for time.

“Here, I’ll help you.” Chloe reaches out to take them again and steps up close, right into Beca’s personal space, which Beca is starting to suspect is her favorite place to be. “Hold your arms out.”

Chloe delicately tugs the wings up over her arms and onto her shoulders, then brushes Beca’s hair out of the way, making sure none is caught under the straps.

“Your hair looks amazing tonight, by the way,” Chloe tells her. “It’s so bouncy.”

Beca doesn’t seem to know how to respond to this. “Thanks.” She tries not to smile, smiles anyway, then physically tries to force the smile back into non-existence while Chloe watches, amused.

Next, Chloe adjusts the shoulder straps, hooking her fingers underneath the edges to maneuver the wings into place. As soon as her fingers graze the sides of Beca’s breasts, which is basically impossible to avoid doing, Beca feels a totally unexpected jolt of heat. It’s like Chloe’s hands are made of fire, though of course they can’t be any warmer than normal. But there’s no mistaking the glow radiating out from every spot her fingers touch, even through the fabric of a hoodie, a tank top, and a bra. Then the heat seems to be spreading from places she’s touched to places she hasn’t touched.

Beca draws in a shaky breath, then just stops breathing completely for a second, holding perfectly still and fighting the urge to close her eyes. Oh, shit. This should not feel the way it does. And trying to act like it doesn’t feel that way is taking a monumental effort. She prays Chloe doesn’t notice anything, but is positive she does. Of course she does. There’s a sensual-yet-playful twinkle in her eyes that looks like an enhanced version of her usual flirtatious manner. She knows exactly what she’s doing.

“There,” Chloe whispers. “Perfect.” Still only a few inches away from her face, she asks softly, “I’m not straight either, am I?”

Beca seems both baffled and alarmed by this question. “Dude, what?”

“My wings,” Chloe clarifies, trying not to laugh. “Are they crooked?”

“Oh.” Beca steps back and looks her over, trying to concentrate on anything other than the warm buzz of sensation still coiling through her. “Um…”

They’re not crooked. Not at all. The wings are perfectly straight. So there’s absolutely no reason for Beca to reach out to adjust them, to step right back into the body-heated, perfume-scented, too-close-to-breathe zone she’d just escaped from. Still, she finds herself doing precisely this, as if she’s being pulled by a magnet.

“Hang on,” she murmurs. “Let me just…” she trails off as she runs her fingers along the edges of the shoulder straps, starting high and then moving lower. She’s gratified to see that Chloe loses the upper hand as her composure vanishes almost immediately. Her body tenses up and seems to vibrate with responsiveness, her gaze becoming unfocused and her lashes fluttering as if she, too, has to struggle not to close her eyes. Beca works her fingers underneath the straps, needlessly tugging them around a little, letting her hands graze the sides of Chloe’s chest, even as she’s amazed at herself and wonders what the hell she’s doing. There’s a kind of power in it, she realizes. Not to mention, she can feel an echoing buzz in her own body in the exact places she touches Chloe’s, the heat fading a bit but definitely still there.

Eventually, she forces herself to drop her hands. “Okay, you’re good.”

“Thanks.” Chloe collects herself and smiles at her, the playfulness returning. It feels like a game, and now they’re both even.

But then the smile fades and Chloe bites her bottom lip, gazing at her with a sudden intensity that makes Beca think for a split second that she wants to kiss her, for real, and isn’t just doing that automatic flirting thing she always does. They’re still standing way too close to each other, but Beca doesn’t step back. Instead she finds herself staring at Chloe’s lips, which is probably not the signal she should be sending, and yet she can’t seem to look away. She can’t tell if she’s imagining it, or if Chloe really does seem to be leaning in now, just the barest fraction of a millimeter every second. Or wait, is she the one leaning in? Which one of them is moving? She tears her gaze away from Chloe’s lips and meets her eyes, which doesn’t help at all, because it’s like they’re stuck in some kind of force field. She’s never experienced anything like it.

Into the silence, Chloe’s phone suddenly emits an insistent chirp, causing them both to jump a little.

Beca remembers to breathe again as Chloe breaks their eye contact to search for her phone. Half relieved and half disappointed, she steps back to a safe, sane distance, and begins re-adjusting her hair, just to have something to do with her hands.

“It’s Aubrey.” Chloe still sounds a bit breathless, too. Wincing as she looks at the text, she adds, “Crap, she’s annoyed. I should get out there.”

Beca can read the text too, even upside down, possibly because it’s in all caps.

WHERE ARE YOU?!? ARE YOU MAKING OUT WITH SOMEONE???

Pressing her lips together awkwardly, Beca looks away from the phone. Her cheeks heat up at the implication, and at the fact that it’s possibly not that far off the mark. Especially if they hadn’t been interrupted.

Chloe seems flustered too as she rapidly texts back. I’m with Beca. Be right there!

Now they deliberately avoid looking at each other, and for a few seconds they busy themselves with gathering their things. Beca’s glad for the distraction. She hefts the bow and the quiver of arrows again, preparing to leave. “So I’m guessing she’s gonna be pissed at me tomorrow, right?”

Giving her a reassuring pat on the arm as they head toward the door, Chloe says, “Nah, she’ll be fine, don’t worry. Our route includes the frat houses, so I’ll make sure she drinks a lot.”

They’re both using their normal, everyday voices, as if by some unspoken agreement to pretend that whatever just happened didn’t actually happen. And really, Beca reasons to herself, it probably didn’t, she probably just imagined it. She’s lonely, and horny, and it’s Valentine’s Day. It was all in her head.

Chloe turns out the lights, then there’s a quick moment of awkwardness when they both try to pass through the door at the same time, forgetting about the wings, and they get hung up and briefly stuck. Both laughing, Chloe gives Beca enough of a shove to pop her free, then follows after her.

After she locks up, she turns to Beca and looks her up and down in a last minute once-over of approval. “I know you don’t want to hear this, Bec, but you look adorable.”

Chloe’s right, she doesn’t want to hear that. Instead of responding, she tells her, “And you look like you could wear that to class, and no one would even notice.”

She’s teasing, but Chloe does look ridiculously natural in the Cupid wings. They suit her. In fact, standing directly under the glow of the streetlight, with the glitter in her sweater sparkling and her bright blue eyes doing their best to compete, she looks more like an angel than a Cupid. Like an angel that’s fallen straight from heaven. Beca almost voices this thought, and is horrified at herself. Jesus Christ, what if she’d actually said that out loud?

Chloe misinterprets the source of her consternation, thinking she’s feeling mortified over the outfit, and tries to give her a pep talk before they part. “I get that this all seems really pointless, and cheesy, but just remember, it’s for the Bellas. We wouldn’t do it if it didn’t make a difference. So maybe, I don’t know,” she suggests gently, “try to have fun?”

“I can’t make any promises.” But Beca finds herself smiling. No matter how much she complains, she knows it won’t be that bad. Especially with Amy as her partner in crime.

As if reading her mind, Chloe grins too. “I mean, it’s better than being alone in your room all night, right?” she asks with a wink, turning to head off in the direction of fraternity row. “See you tomorrow.”

Too late, Beca suddenly recalls that Chloe was just dumped by her most recent boyfriend, only, what, a week ago? She feels like a dick for not remembering sooner. Tonight must be especially shitty for her.

She turns to walk away, hesitates, then turns back. Before she can stop herself, she calls out. “Hey.”

Chloe turns back to face her, curious and waiting.

Already rolling her eyes at herself before she even gets the words out, Beca manages to struggle through them anyway. “Happy Valentine’s Day.”

It takes a few seconds for her to believe her own ears, and then Chloe seems surprised and touched, her smile mixed up with something achingly vulnerable. It’s almost sad, in a way, how little it takes to make her light up with joy. “Thanks,” she beams at Beca. “You too.”

As Chloe turns and continues on her way, Beca watches her for a second and realizes that her wings are now crooked, due to her own totally unnecessary adjustment of them, probably. For some reason, Beca doesn’t tell her. They look cute that way.

Finally, she turns around and heads off in the opposite direction, placing the back of one hand against her hot cheek and hoping that by the time she finds Amy, her face isn’t the same color as her hoodie. That girl can sniff out unresolved sexual tension like a beagle on the trail of a rabbit.

Already on the sidewalk up ahead of her, a group of guys is mocking her costume, trying to take a picture. As Beca passes by, she indicates the arrows. “These are poison-tipped, by the way.”

They laugh a little, but then they don’t seem to know whether she��s serious or not. She smirks to herself as they warily keep their distance.

Maybe this will be fun, after all.

Original post here. 

[caelesjjk]

Push (Part 4)

So basically, I’ve tried a million different way to get this to work, but it wont stop posting this huge space between the photo and the text for the fic every time I copy and paste, so just scroll down until you get to the text lol. Its there I promise. Hope every one enjoys! Leave some feedback if you can, it means the world!

Almost a month had gone by since my birthday, and now it was nearly Christmas time. I loved this city during the holidays. It was magic in every sense of the word. But the air was cold now, and the ground has been dusted with a few small layers of snow. The trees have traded in their colorful leaves for bare branches, and that part was always a little sad for me. Winter was funny that way, everything outside was losing layers while people were forced to add layer after to protect us from the elements.

The kids in my class were all extremely restless throughout the week, itching for Christmas break to finally arrive. Kindergartners were difficult enough as is to keep engaged, but throw in some sugar from all the treats they’d been consuming and it was a bit of chaos. But a chaos that I gladly welcomed in my life, I loved seeing them so happy. And truthfully, the promise of Christmas break excited me as well.

It was Saturday evening now, and I had been looking forward to this night for months. My erratic mother had gotten me tickets to see my favorite musical that was in town this weekend only. I couldn’t believe that I was actually going to see Wicked on the big stage. I had woken up far too early, but I couldn’t sleep any longer knowing that I was going to see something so amazing today. I had made sure to ask Michael weeks ago if he would go with me, and he was more than happy to accompany me. And things had been good between us.

Ever since Calum and I had talked the night of my birthday, things seemed to cool off. We still met at the coffee shop almost every morning to talk, but it was nothing more than that. I was learning more about each other in a complete platonic way. That’s something that friends did.

I wasn’t a huge fan of shopping, but I went out a few days ago and bought a dress to wear to the theater. It was a deep green color and made of the softest silky material. The thick straps lay loosely on my shoulders and the skirt was very short but I was confident in the way this dress made me feel.  So I slipped it on and took my time styling my dark hair in loose curls, pulling it up slightly and pinning it in place. I kept the make up that I applied as simple as possible, only putting on some light eyeshadow and liner and just a bit of rose colored lipstick. Once I was completely ready, I grabbed my long leopard print trench coat in hopes that it would keep me warm in this tiny little dress.

Soon enough, my heels were clicking up the driveway to Michael and Calum’s house. I hadn’t had a chance to talk to Michael much this week because I was so busy finishing things up at school, but I knew there was no way he could forget something like this when he knew how excited I was about it. I took a deep breath before knocking on the door, unable to wipe the huge smile off of my face as I waited for it to open.

When the door finally swung open, the person on the other side of it was barely recognizable.  They were dressed in some kind of costume with blue paint all over their face and arms.

“Michael?” I ask, my voice laced with confusion.

“Hey babe! What are you doing here?” He asked, stepping aside for me to come inside.

“We’re going to see Wicked, remember? Why are you dressed like that?” I was so confused, and I could feel my emotions start to bubble up in my throat.

“Oh shit, Iz. I forgot that was today. I’m literally heading out the door to ComiCon right now.” He motions towards a bag sitting next to the door.

“ComiCon? Mikey this is important to me. We planned this so long ago.” I sighed.

“I know, and I’m so sorry. I promise I’ll make it up to you. You look so pretty though.” He leans over and kisses the top of my head before he moves to pick up his bag by the door.

“I um…I guess I’ll go by myself.” I force a smile.

“You’re the best, Izzy. I’ll see you in a couple days okay?” Michael backs out the door, leaving me standing in his living room completely dumbfounded. He obviously had no idea how much this meant to me.

“That was awkward to witness.” I hear Calum’s voice say behind me, I almost jump out of skin. I turn towards his voice, even though I know there are tears pooling in my eyes about to betray me.

“Sorry you had to see it.” I sniffled, dabbing at my eye with the sleeve of my coat.

“What was all that about anyways?” He asks, sitting his book face down on the arm of the couch.

“It’s stupid. I should just go.” I dab my eye again.

“Try me, Bambs.” He stands up, and comes to stand in front of me. I can’t help but to start blubbering when I meet his eyes.

“My mom got me tickets to see Wicked.  And Michael promised weeks ago that he would go with me. Now I’m all dressed up so I can go to the theater alone.” I’m half laughing, half crying at this point.

“Let me see the dress.” He takes a step back so he can look at me.

“What?” My eyebrows scrunch.

“Let me see the dress you’re wearing, Bambi.” His eyes widen expectantly. I look at him a moment longer before reaching down with my somewhat shaky hands to undo the buttons of my coat. I hold onto each side and pull it open slightly.

“Is it…is it okay?” I ask. His eyes wonder up and down more than once and his teeth sink into his bottom lip before he speaks again.

“It’s perfect.” He sighs. “Which is why I’m going to go put on something much nicer than sweatpants, and take you to the theater to see your play.” He steps around me and walks towards his room.

“Calum…you don’t have to do that.” I walk after him, my heart pounding at the thought of spending an entire evening with Calum Hood. Just when I thought I’d gotten past this.

“I’d be a fool to let that dress go to waste.” He smirks. “Wait here, I’ll make it quick.” He walks into his room and I’m left to my own devices in the living room.

I pace for a few minutes until my feet start to ache from the damn shoes I have on. I convince myself to sit down and do some deep breathing. Calum was just being a good friend. This wasn’t a date. This was just two friends going to see Wicked together. And no sooner had I started to breathe normally again, Calum comes walking out of his bedroom. His hair was styled to the side instead of the natural curls I was so used to seeing. His long legs were covered in black dress pants that had obviously been tailor made to fit him like utter perfection. His black button up was covered by what appeared to be a black velvet jacket with dark red filigree designs adorning it. I had no idea that anyone could pull off something this like until this moment.

“Holy shit.” I accidentally whisper out loud. I gasp, covering my mouth with my hand immediately.

“I’ll take that as a compliment.” Calum smirks, shoving his hands into the front pockets of his pants as he approaches me.

“You look great.” I sigh.

“Are you ready to go?” He asks. “We can take my car.”

“Yeah, let’s go.” I smile gently and follow him out to the garage where his car is parked. Calum even goes so far as to open the passenger door for me to get in first. He watches me as I carefully slip into the seat and situate my legs. The feeling of his eyes on me makes every inch of my skin tingle.

The drive into the city consisted of soft music playing, and not a lot of talking. We didn’t need to say anything right now. And once we reached the theater, Calum insisted that I let him drop me off at the doors while he went to park the car. He came around and opened my door again to let me out of the car even when I insisted that I could handle it.

“I’ll be right back, Bambs.” He said as he jogged back around the car, pulling away to park the car. I walked up a few steps and waited in front of the revolving doors, until a soft voice interrupted my thinking.

“Your husband is quite lovely.” An older woman with silver hair and a black shawl wrapped around her said.

“Oh. He isn’t my husband.” I laughed nervously.

“Boyfriend?” She questioned.

“No. He’s just a friend.” I explain.

“Your friend is in love with you.” She states boldly. I almost choke.

“I’m sorry?” My voice cracks.

“I was standing here, watching him watch you. Friends don’t look at each other that way.” She waves her hand, so much confidence in her voice.

“Well, he’s most certainly just a friend.” I pull my coat around me a little tighter, turning when I feel a hand touch the back of my shoulder.

“What are you doing out here, Bambi? It’s freezing.” Calum says, motioning for me to follow him inside. And it’s that moment, when I’m not sure if it’s what the crazy old lady was saying  that was getting to me, or if I was just finally seeing things for what they were, but Calum was beautiful. More than just goofy little crush beautiful, he was full blown, heart pounding, stomach in knots beautiful. And I was crazy about him.

I shook it away, smiling and following him inside the theater. I had been here a few times to see other plays, and it never got old being inside. There were golden statues lining the walls and the marble staircases. Enormous pillars could be found here and there touching the high ceilings and leading up to all the intricate crystal chandeliers. The carpet looked like it had probably been here since the building was built but I was still the same lush maroon color it had always been. It was perfect.

“I’m just going to put my coat in the coat check area.” I told Calum, but he stopped me by gently grabbing my elbow when I went to turn away.

“Lemme help you.” He says lowly, using his pointer finger to make a circular motion, indicating he wanted me to turn around. I bit my lip, turning around and letting him help me slip my coat off my shoulders and arms. “I’ll be right back.” He says in my ear as he walks by.

When I’m able to focus again, I see the little old woman walking passed me and winking with a giant smile on her face. I couldn’t help but cover my mouth and laugh a little.

“What’s funny?” Calum says as he comes up behind me.

“Nothing at all.”I shake my head and walk towards the huge gold doors that lead into the theater.

The orchestra is playing quiet music as everyone enters the theater and finds their seats. Our seats were very close to the front and as we sat down, I couldn’t help but to smile as I stared at the giant red curtain currently covering the stage. There was something about the way it smelled inside the theater that made me incredibly happy. And as soon as the music started to play louder, and the lights turned down, everything felt right.

Wicked was one of those pieces of literature that played with all of my emotions. I was laughing one minute and crying the next. I felt Elphaba’s emotions throughout the entire thing. The acting was so spot on. They took the story from the book and turned it into a live action masterpiece. I don’t know how anything will ever top this. At one point during a particularly intense scene, I felt myself literally sitting on the edge of my seat, and when the climax happened I was gasping and grabbing for Calum’s hand, I held it tightly and didn’t even think about the fact that he wasn’t my boyfriend. He let me hold onto him, lacing his fingers through mine and rubbing my knuckles with his thumb to comfort me.

When the whole thing was over, and my mind stopped whirling, I still felt my hand in his. I knew I should pull it away, but I didn’t want to.

“That was so amazing.” I gushed, wiping at my cheeks to dry the happy tears.

“You’re beautiful, Izzy.” He sat forward in his seat in order to get closer to me. My heart clenched, that was the first time I’d ever heard him call me Izzy. It was always Bambi or Isabella.

“I um…thank you.” I breathed, moving my eyes down to our tangled hands.

“I think I watched you more than I watched the play. You were so invested, it was hard to look away.” He admits, still not taking his hand out of mine.

“I didn’t mean to distract you…I just love this play so much.” I shrug my shoulders and laugh lightly.

“I’ve got an entirely new appreciation for Wicked.” He smiles, the dimples next to his mouth and at the corners of his eyes showing. I had never wanted to kiss someone’s dimples before now.

“I feel like I’ve just gotten off a roller coaster. Thank you, for coming with me.” I squeeze his hand in appreciation.

“Are you hungry?” He asks, gently letting go of my hand. And as much as I wanted to grab it back, I let him stand up in front of me.

“What did you have in mind?” I stand up too, straightening out my dress.

“I know a few places around here. Let’s go.” He lets me out of the aisle to walk in front of him to the coat check out.

After we got my coat back, we walked to Calum’s car together, the smile on my face never faltering. The air was cold as it whipped my hair around my head but I didn’t mind it at all. Everything still felt so warm, and Calum stayed close to me the whole walk. His hand was on my lower back, gently guiding me and sharing his body heat. And as soon as we got to the car, he was quickly turning on the heated seats.

“Are you comfortable?” He asked.

“I’m perfect, to be honest.”  I smiled over at him and he did the same in return. I could tell he was thinking about saying more, but instead he backed out of the parking garage and took a left into the city traffic.

Calum sang along to the music quietly. I had to strain to hear him, but his voice was so pleasant. I didn’t want to cross any lines, so I pushed away the part of me that wanted to ask him to sing louder for me to hear better, and just enjoyed the small bit he was willing to give.

“How do you feel about breakfast?” He asked with a raise of his eyebrow.

“My favorite meal.” I say.

“Good. Come with me.” He parked his car quickly, jumping out to come around and open the door again.

“You don’t have to keep doing that, you know?” I tease him about the door opening.

“You’ll never open your own door if you’re with me Bambi.” He helps me out, his warm hand back in mine. I take a moment to look at him, not sure how he really meant “with him”.  He let go of my hand and walked up the sidewalk, stopping to wait for me.

“Coming.” I said quickly, making way to the door and inside the tiny little restaurant. It was warm and smelt heavily of pancake syrup and bacon. The booths were a red and white checkered pattern, the seats were torn in a few spots. I suddenly felt over dressed, but comfortable at the same time.

“Sit wherever you like, folks.” An older woman with her gray hair pulled back into a bun said. There were only maybe 10 tables inside, sort of like the Hatfield’s coffee shop.

I take off my coat before slipping into one of the booths, Calum doing the same on the other side. My  bare legs slightly stick to the booth, but I can’t bring myself to mind it much. I was far too happy with this night to let something so small damper my mood whatsoever.

“Drinks?” The woman says with her notepad and pen in hand.

“Coffee, please.” I say.

“Same for me.”Calum replies as well. She doesn’t  say anything else, just turns to go back behind the counter and retrieve some mugs.

“I still can’t believe this night really happened.” I gush as I scan my menu.

“And you’re happy?” He asks, I can feel his eyes watching me, so I look up to meet his pretty chocolate ones.

“I’m so happy, Cal.” I can’t help but to smile, breaking the eye contact before I find myself drowning in those eyes.

“Here ya go.” The waitress sits down the coffee mugs. “Food?” She asks next.

“Waffles and bacon for me, please.” I tell her, sliding my menu across the table towards her.

“That sounds perfect.” Calum tells her, handing over his plastic menu. The waitress sighs loudly, before she walks back to the kitchen area.

“How’s work for you?” I ask, my stomach is jumping nervously.

“Are we really going to make that type of small talk Bambs?” He chuckles lightly as he leans over the table a little.

“What else should we talk about?” I ask, trying to swallow the lump in the throat.

“Tell me why you’re still with Mike.” He says lowly. It sends sparks down my spine. I’m trapped in his gaze as he waits for an answer that I’m not sure how to give.

“I really like Michael. He’s good to me. And he’s really sweet.” I sigh, pulling my lips between my teeth.

“He didn’t go with you tonight.” He simply states.

“He just forgot we had plans. I didn’t remind about it this week.” It feels like I’m making excuses. And I know it’s because I don’t want to hurt Michael.

“Clifford didn’t give a flying fuck that you had plans tonight. Something better came up and he knew you wouldn’t fight him on it. You’re too nice, Isabella.” He sits back, his arms crossing over his broad chest.

“How do you know? He could have just simply forgot, Calum.” I can feel my eyebrows scrunch together in confusion and a bit of annoyance.

“Mike’s been my friend for a long time. You don’t think I know him?” He scoffs.

“Why do you care, Calum? What does it matter if he did stand me up?” My voice gets a little loud and I look around to make sure no one is listening.

“Because you deserve better than that. He should picked you up at your fucking door and drove you to that play. Because he fucking missed out, Isabella. He missed out seeing you smile all fucking night. You were so happy, and he missed it. Fuck him for that.” Calum’s breathing is a littler faster and his eyes wider as he finishes speaking. My mouth has practically dropped onto the table in shock.

“Calum…I…I don’t…” I start to say, just as the waitress plops our plates down in front of us.

“Eat up, Bambi.” Calum says, picking up his silverware and cutting into his food. I don’t push the issue, choosing to eat in silence the rest of the time we were there.

The walk back to the car was also very quiet, though he still stayed close to me until I was inside the car. But during the drive, he didn’t look over at me. I had too much to time to think.

I thought about what I had done wrong to make Michael forget about how important this night was to me. It was all I talked about for weeks. But maybe I deserved it. I deserved for him to hurt me when I was lusting after his best friend and roommate. It must have been the universe’s way of punishing me. But that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. I released a shaky breath, a couple of tears rolling down my cheeks as I did.

“Are you crying?” His voice is laced with concern.

“Possibly.” I sob.

“Shit, Izzy. I didn’t want to make you cry. Please don’t.” Calum pulls into the driveway of the house, parking it quickly and turning his body towards me.

“It’s just…I don’t understand why he couldn’t just come with me. Am I really not important enough for him to remember something like this?” I continued to cry and look down at my hands in my lap.

“Don’t say that shit. Mike’s just an idiot.” His hand comes over across the center console to gently wrap around one of mine.

“Maybe he just doesn’t fucking care. God maybe I’m the idiot.” I half laugh, half cry.

“No. You could never be.” He tries to comfort me, but I can feel my chest heaving harder.

“I’m so stu-“ But I can’t finish my sentence, because Calum leaning across the console pressing his lips against mine. My words are lost on his lips.

It felt too natural. Too perfect. I all too willingly molded my mouth with his, salty tears mixing in with the slow movements of our lips. The rough pads of his thumbs found their way to my tear stained cheeks, wiping away the wetness and pulling me closer to him. I allowed one of my hands to slide up the side of his neck and cup just below his jaw.

It was wrong. So why did it feel so right?

“Shit. Shit, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I shouldn’t of fucking done that.” He suddenly pulls away, opening his car door and stepping out. “Just…sorry.”

He closes his car door, leaving me alone with my thoughts and more confusion than ever.

TAGS: @chilleezliz @slimthicccal @bbycal @kinglyhood @sugarcoated-pain @shower-me-with-roses @c-dizzle-swizzlex

[jungle321jungle]

Book Rants: The Storm Runner by J.C. Cervantes

Book Rants: The Storm Runner by J.C. Cervantes

Page 304 out of 426.

That’s the page I’m on as I’m writing this because I lowkey can’t stand it anymore.

What I can’t stand is The Storm Runner, by J.C. Cervantes.

I’m not gonna touch on all the representation and all of that or anything. Simply because well, I need to rant. So, if you’re looking for a spoiler free review I’ll make it short for ya: Zane exists. He has a dog. He meets a girl. He’s told not to do the thing. He does the thing. Evil dude is released. Goes on a mission to put evil dude back with girl and uncle. And uh I haven’t finished the book so I can’t say more than that right now. Anyway to the rant!

Warning this rant will be a certified mess. I’m just writing whatever comes to mind.

The first thing which pissed me off about this book, is Zane himself. Like this kid- God. So Zane is your main character and he has a limp, and he’s a godborn, and he kinda likes the girl. And he’s trying to undo everything he did.

That’s legit all I can say about his character rn that’s not negative.

So Zane, Zane, Zane’s inner voice. The monologue of the story. Is just so bad. Here’s so examples of actual lines from this book from the most recent section I read.

"It was party city!"

"If only they knew I was godborn, too. And not just related to any god, but Hurakan, the creator and destroyer!"

Like cringe? I don’t know what else I can say besides the word cringe.

Like I have seen reviews where people says Zane’s voice is Percy-esque. And what annoys me is that’s true. But only a small percent of the time. It flips between lines I just read, to bland, to boring and then you get a full on sarcastic thing and it just seems badly timed and out of place for Zane. There’s one I just read but I’m not gonna torture myself with trying to find it.

Another thing which annoyed me about Zane is how forgettable he is? Like he’s the main character that shouldn’t be possible. But like when reading this there was about a three month gap in between me putting the book down and picking it back up a few days ago. And while reading a few days ago I could remember what had happened in the last chapter but I couldn’t remember Zane’s name.

So I text my friends as I read to vent. And I literally sent: “wow i read like four chapters and i didn't realize until now when it was mentioned that i forgot mcs name”

I shouldn’t be able to forget his name.

So another thing which annoys me about Zane are his decisions and how it moves the plot. But before we even touch the plot let me touch on the other characters.

First off Brooks.

She’s the mysterious girl who’s there to help, the living expert on Maya everything. And a girl so full of secrets and depression she belongs back in 2003.

Oh and she can turn into a hawk... until she can’t.

Next up we got Hondo.

Hondo is my fav of the three. He’s Zane’s uncle and he’s there for the wild ride just because. Like I’m sure there’s a logical reason? I think it was just cause they needed someone with a car? I can’t remember it was three months ago. Actually it could be longer, cause before that last time I had set the book down for a long time too. Anyway he has the best personality. And I would pay to see him be the main character instead.

So while my favorite of the three is Hondo, my favorite character is actually Ah-Puch. Mr. Evil Dude himself. He’s more interesting than the other three combined, and I just read when broke into the Twins’ lair and all that jazz and I got so happy. To be honest I much rather watch him destroy the world than anything else.

Of course my happiness was immediately undermined as it always is with this book, but I’ll say more about that in a sec.

So the plot... Oh the plot.

I will say the plot on the whole is brutally fine. The gist is that Zane is the prophecy kid (cause we’re in the realm of Riordan) and he's supposed to be the one to free Ah-Puch and he does, because he wants his dog brought back to life. I’m not gonna go into people and love for dogs and all, but I just think a smidge more thought could be put into things? Like theres another point where the seer old lady Ms. Cab tells Zane to stay home ‘cause his house is the only place with special protective wards. And like I didn't expect him to stay there, since the story needs to happen, but it seemed like he didn’t even try to make an effort to stay in the house? It was just like welp, there’s danger and murderous creatures, but nah I need to go talk to my mom.

Like just think a tiny bit more, just a little. Please.

When Ah-Puch shows up at the twins (I’m gonna keep mentioning this part cuz it's what I just read) he was super badass and him and Muwan was super cool. Watching the Twins shake in their boots was a bit satisfying especially because something unexpected was happening. But during that Ah-Puch goes on and on talking about how the Twins are liars and this and that, but like Zane believes every word. He doesn’t even doubt the validity for half a second. This man- this super evil man who wants to destroy everything. Like look Zane may be thirteen but there's gullible and then there's ridiculous.

(Semi off topic: during this scene Brooks just kinda vanishes. She says they need to run then kinda just sits there next to half dead Hondo watching until it's time to remind Zane to run again via telepathy- oh yeah she has telepathy)

Now switching gears to my previous comment about undermining my happiness. It seems like everything I enjoy is immediately shot in the face not much later.

When Zane is doing a coin toss with the Twins, he picks the death side of the coin and the way its written and the fact that the chapter ends with this. It sounds so profound- so powerful.

Then on the next page we learn it’s a mind game the the coin is weighted so he picked the wrong side. Yes, I understand that the Twins always win and whatever and this shows that. But it felt like such a quick switch in tone, in Zane it completely dashed all happiness I just had on the page before. Ah-Puch showing up during deadly basketball is the same thing. I loved reading him swooping in and the glass shattering violently over the crowd, and I thought it wa so cool how he had done that. The Twins thought they were untouchable but then here comes Mr. Evil Dude to destroy it all. It was perfect.

Then you learn he just followed the tracking device he put on Zane.

I will admit I had forgotten about the tattoo deal thing- given my few month break- but had I read this book consistently it wouldn’t have been a surprise whatsoever. It’s super expected. Also I thought it would show just how powerful Ah-Puch is. Even not at full strength,and freshly back in the world he tracked them down and was ready to give them a slow painful death.

LOL NOPE HE FOLLOWED THE LEASH HE PUT ON ZANE.

I hope you can just feel how much I am groaning and sighing right now.

So after that Jazz shows up to save the gang and you’re like cool cool good timing whatever. I’m glad he agreed to come, but then he admits he put cameras in their clothes insert more sighs. So this guy was just watching them agree to play deadly basketball and meet Mr. Evil Ah-Puch and did nothing until the dangerous people were gone? They could’ve used some help sooner Jazz. A lot sooner.

Well, I think I got the rant mostly out of my system purely because I haven’t read the last 100 or so pages, but if you’re probably wondering why I read this book if I can’t get through without getting annoyed.

Honestly I think the whole reasoning is the fact that my boss gave it to me. She was the one who told me about Riordan Presents and gave me the book as a gift. So I think I just feel sort of pushed to finish it (and read the next one she gave me)? Regardless of if that's the reason or not that I keep reading, for some reason I am still pulled into this book?

I am driven insane by it- and yet I still read it, and I might even read the sequel ‘cause I am trash. But I think this factor is what annoys me the most overall.

I want to like this book and I want to hate it. But I can’t do either. It's the definition of a love hate relationship. And I don't think I’ll ever get out of it.

Idk if I’ll post something about the end of the book yet, it depends on how much I want to pull my hair out

Someone please kill me before I finish this thing

[inktrailing]

SPN: purgatorio (snippet)

Figured I'd post some snippets of my WIPs. This diverted in season... 7? Some of this concept I wrote years ago and I have to get further in my rewatch to see if I need to shuffle things around. Basically Lucifer was trying to use the hallucinations as a way to manifest through someone and ended up helping Cas out a bit but popped out in Purgatory when Cas got there (the chunk I took for this post gets into the bare bones of it).

I definitely take more liberties than I usually do XD But I've been having fun playing around with a significantly non-linear timeline. Fic so far is ~11k words, 2 parts (I don't imagine it'll go over 2 parts, but I've been wrong before). I am still jumping around for how long they're in Purgatory for so that time on chp 2/3 here might change.

Might actually change the title at some point. Mostly a placeholder right now.

This is slowburn Dean/Lucifer but maybe will also be Dean/Castiel I really don't know yet. Benny's just close with everyone lol.

Warning: Explicit Language, Canon-Typical Violence

purgatorio

1

Three months ago.

Dean's running.

The woods by now are a familiar brush against his clothing. He knows this forest, embodies the trees, breathes the wind. He became a part of it months—years?—ago and he doesn't think if he's ever free that it's going to leave him. His bones crack a song same as the creaking branches.

Purgatory is a piece of him.

The night closes in behind him, shadow in the shape of a maw, cleaving through the underbrush as he vaults a cluster of boulders—the landmark he's been looking for, finally. He ducks a split tree branch, nearly skids through a patch of mud, trips, catches himself, and stumbles just over the first ring of the bloodied magic circle. A second hop has him beyond the next tight-together rings and then he's gulping down a relieved breath of air as he falls, hard, into another body.

“It's coming,” he says quickly on his exhale, clasping a hand to Cas's shoulder and straightening unsteadily. He twists his wrist and flips his crude blade in his grip, shifting his stance in front of Cas after he's caught his breath.

“Did you lay the trap?” Cas asks.

“What d'ya take me for, huh?” Dean replies with a huff.

“You forgot last time,” says a voice from behind them.

Dean scoffs and looks back where in their makeshift camp, center of the ritual circle, sits the devil. Legs crossed, palms up, hands sliced through, blood and grace dripping idly between his fingers.

“Yeah, and I learned my lesson after that one time, thanks,” Dean barks at him, focusing his attention back on the trees further being swallowed by the tide of shadow. The rumble follows, thunderous as each tree snaps and tears from the ground. Dean sees the burn of yellow eyes somewhere far back in that sea of darkness, and then hears a loud yelp and the yellow blinks out, followed by an ear-piercing howl that he can't help flinch from.

Cas sucks in a breath. “Maybe we... should have waited for Benny for this.”

“Would've been nice,” Dean agrees. The howl sounds again, reverberating angrily through the wood. Even Lucifer makes a hiss of displeasure. “Doesn't seem like our friend was willing to wait. Lucifer, this spell is going to hold, right?”

“Oh, I don't know,” Lucifer sings.

“You don't know? You said yesterday—”

“I believe yesterday I said 'probably,'” Lucifer interrupts. “Would you like to offer some blood to the cause?” he says snidely.

“Would it help?” Dean asks, matching his tone.

“Unlikely,” Cas says.

“Mm,” Lucifer agrees.

The two yellow eyes flare again, and the very forest screams as the shadow coalesces into the shape of a massive—wounded—beast.

Dean laughs and bumps shoulders with Cas, who wobbles just slightly. “Awesome, great, I love this. This'll be fine.”

The beast charges.

2

Sixteen months, three weeks, and six days ago.

“Didn't think he'd just wing off, did you?”

Dean jerks around at the voice. He's jumpy enough as it is, hearing the monsters closing in on fresh meat, circling him for a snack, and Cas is gone. Cas is gone and Lucifer is here and what the fuck he's got nothing to deal with any of this. He freezes.

“My brother really doesn't like conflict, Dean,” Lucifer continues, sighing and staring up towards the starless sky. “He'll be back in due time, likely when he deems it safe, or has that overwhelming need to protect you that he often has.” His gaze flicks back to Dean. “But I think we'll be alright without him.”

“You're in Hell,” Dean blurts, unable to hide his panic.

“Was in Hell,” Lucifer corrects. “Then I was riding around in your brother's psyche, and then in my brother's psyche, and now it seems I'm here, free of any anchor.” Lucifer rolls his shoulders in a small, half shrug. “Not as planned, but it works, I suppose.”

“You son of a bitch—” Dean is saying as he moves to, what? Punch the devil? Because that's a smart plan, Dean? But then there's several furry wolf-like monsters leaping out of bushes towards the delectable human snack and suddenly Lucifer doesn't seem like Dean's biggest problem because Cas said things about being torn to shreds and Dean is going to die.

Sorry, Bobby, he may be joining you sooner than intended.

But then there's a snap and Dean recoils at the sound and the nearest wolves are torn asunder, blood spraying across Lucifer's side.

“You may want to rethink this suicidal plan of yours,” Lucifer tells the remaining shadows, fingers poised to snap again. He hears them shift, unsteady and he grins, wolfish in his own right. He sees the gleam of eyes watching him for a long moment, and then they blink out, and are gone.

All Dean could do was stare. Lucifer's fight had only encompassed a few seconds. Dean shakes. He hears the rest of the predators move off at the display and Lucifer's words.

Dean's not sure if he should be thanking Lucifer or running; surely Lucifer would only be keeping him alive so that he could torture him relentlessly. Though at the moment, Lucifer seemed more intent on cleaning the blood from his arm.

“You really should relax, Dean. I'd bet the creatures here can smell fear just as much as they can smell blood. We should move somewhere we can have some kind of advantage when my brother returns.”

Dean stares as Lucifer drops to one knee and settles for wiping his arm along the patches of grass.

Dean's mind just flatlines because yeah, sure, that all sounds peachy. Because Dean is totally going to obey the devil and go with him wherever he wants. Of course. “Cas isn't coming back with you here.”

“You would think that, wouldn't you? Since Castiel told your brother that he had stopped seeing me. Which was good of him; neither of you would ever believe that I was helping my brother. Because, for the record, his 'craziness' isn't my fault. He didn't need any help going that route.”

“What are you talking about?” Dean demands, and nearly snarls at the sympathetic look Lucifer shoots his way.

“Resurrection never goes easily, Dean,” Lucifer explains. “There are always complications, even if our Father is the one who keeps doing it. And this time? Maybe it was as a punishment. First free to not be himself, and then having all his memories slam back into him? It's not healthy, even for an angel.” He shakes his head. “Can he stabilize? I still don't know.”

Dean lets those words wash over him. He wonders if Lucifer is lying to him, but more often than not the truth hurts more than lies. He doesn't know how to reply to Lucifer. He's not even sure why he's still here, but if Cas does come back, he feels like he shouldn't leave the angel with his older brother. Cas wasn't just imagining the little twinge of forgiveness in Dean's voice. Not much, but it was a start.

“Oh. Good. You two aren't killing each other.”

Speak of the...

Cas.

Cas looks uncomfortable to be with them in the clearing, his weight shifting back and forth on his feet, glancing from Lucifer to Dean, then down at the remains of the wolves and making a pitied face. “I found a cave. Seems empty and without anything previously taken residence in it.” He looks back at Dean, biting his lip.

Lucifer nods to his brother. “Lead the way, then.”

Dean has barely five seconds to realize that Lucifer is in his immediate space, registering Cas taking off again and then a hand clapped to his shoulder and the disorienting tilt of reality as Lucifer pulls him across Purgatory. He staggers into a slick cave wall, suddenly having a new appreciate for Cas's flight paths because damn was it a lot more stable than whatever the heck Lucifer just did.

He takes a perverse pleasure in the fact that Lucifer teeters away, like the flight screwed with him, too.

Then he whips to Cas and points at the devil. “How do you lie about something like this?!”

Cas quails when Dean turns on him. “Don't be mad at me, Dean,” he answers, a warble in his voice. He fidgets, like he's unsure what he wants to do with his arms, awkwardly settling to hold an elbow up with a hand, not quite crossing his arms. “You would have only been bothered, and... Lucifer has... only been supporting me.”

“Of course I would have been 'bothered', Cas! He's the damn devil! He's not there to support you, he's just using you!” he yells.

“Oh, you mean like how you always use him?” Lucifer tsks. “I wonder which one of us is more at fault.”

Cas backs away from the two. “Please, don't fight.”

Lucifer sneers, then frowns, then cocks his head to the side and sighs. “I won't if he won't,” he says, just shy of a whine. He smirks at Dean. “We have to work together, you know. Purgatory isn't the safest of places. You won't survive on your own, and Castiel will not leave me. Besides, I do care for your safety, Winchester, whether you believe my intentions or not.”

Furious, Dean looks away. He can't believe they're in this utterly stupid situation. He shouldn't have to rely on anyone, let alone Lucifer, but he remembers his initial arrival, remembers how out of his depth he was, remembers himself as the hunted Hunter. He knows, with complete certainty, that the feeling is never going to go away. Even now something must be tracking them. They can't be safe. They can never be safe.

He wants to kill Lucifer, but he's incapable of it. Getting rid of Lucifer the first time had been nearly impossible. He can't do it now, not alone as he is.

He hates this. It's wrong. It feels like a betrayal to Sam. But what choice, really, does he have? Goddammit. Goddammit.

“Fine,” he spits out, so much anger in that one small word. “I don't have to like it.”

“Thank you,” Cas murmurs to them both.

3

Sixteen months, three weeks, and five days ago.

Castiel feels the brewing trouble surrounding him. He knew this... this wouldn't be easy. Knew the moment Lucifer was no longer a ride-along to Castiel's mind, a separate entity once again, one that Castiel couldn't... didn't think he could remove himself from, even for Dean's comfort.

There was too much quiet in his head and he didn't know how to cope with that. Yet even from the support Lucifer had been offering him, Castiel still expected him to leave now that he had his own freedom. But he hadn't abandoned Castiel at that first sign of freedom. These sorts of things happen to Castiel nowadays, after all.

He kept such strange company. Lucifer, Meg...

He wonders how Meg is.

Not in Purgatory, so likely better off than Castiel.

He feels uncomfortable, shifting weight back and forth on his feet, glancing from Lucifer to Dean, then towards the exit of the cave, the scent of blood fresh in his senses, a swell of pity in his gut at the violence. But Lucifer did take care of it for Castiel. He had the blood on his hands, literally, and Castiel managed to avoid that.

He starts to let himself relax. The alliance is by no means perfect, but it exists.

*****

The trouble returns just as quick, Castiel thinks, when Dean has to sleep.

“You'll take a watch, Cas? I don't trust something wandering in for a snack.”

Castiel is about to answer, when Lucifer interrupts, “You need sleep, too, brother.” Lucifer settles just within the mouth of the cave, sprawling legs out before him, head hitting stone. “I'll keep an eye out.”

“Oh no,” Dean argues. “No, that's not happening. Cas, I'll switch off with you so we both can get sleep if you really need it.”

“That's wholly unnecessary,” Lucifer sighs.

“Does it look like I care?” Dean says stubbornly. “I'm not sleeping in your vicinity.”

“I don't think...” Castiel trails off.

Lucifer throws up his hands and rolls his eyes in Dean's direction. “Then you'll have the pleasure of my company while my brother sleeps.”

Dean grits his teeth but doesn't argue further and it's the best they'll get. Dean wraps his arms around himself and wedges himself against a wall of the cave and shuts his eyes. Castiel sinks opposite of Lucifer and looks out across the quiet forest, knowing that even though he can't hear it, there is death all around them. Purgatory doesn't stop because it's night.

“Thank you,” Castiel repeats in a whisper, not so much afraid of disturbing Dean as he is Dean hearing him have a conversation with Lucifer.

Lucifer just shrugs and folds his arms almost petulantly. “Don't thank me yet. This isn't going to be easy. It would be simpler to ditch your favorite Winchester.”

Castiel slumps and mumbles, “It'd be easier if you ditched me.”

Lucifer groans, bumping his head against the stone several times. “Castiel.”

“I'm serious,” Castiel says. “You know they'll be coming for me. They'll never stop.”

“And I'll kill them, easy enough. So you've got some toothy little inkblots after you. He's potentially Purgatory's New Most Wanted and uncooperative to a fault. He's going to get you killed, Castiel.”

“It's what I deserve.”

Lucifer hisses through clenched teeth and leans forward. “Ah,” he berates. “None of that. If you're going to be a stickler about keeping him alive, I'm going to be one about keeping you alive. Understand?”

“No,” Castiel replies honestly. His response doesn't make Lucifer angry, only minutely frustrated. Castiel wishes he understood, but it isn't that easy. It's never been easy. He'd dragged Lucifer's manifestation out of Sam and into himself and Lucifer tore him apart in a days-long temper tantrum and then he sat in the center of all that disarray, looked at Castiel, and said 'you're very different than Sam.'

You're very different than Sam.

Like how? Like he wasn't enough? Like he couldn't even break the right way?

'What did our Father do to you? Lucifer had wondered aloud, eyes red and staring through Castiel like he was only good enough to be an experiment, and then Lucifer had flinched, and he voice had gotten quiet. 'Oh. This is going to take some time.'

4 (maybe)

Saturday, April 7, 2012

“Oh. This is going to take some time.”

The mess of Castiel's multiple resurrections are scattered beneath where Lucifer sits. Lucifer had torn down his brother's walls and threw open all the doors and now he's left with the sea of shattered fragments flooding around them, all Castiel, and all broken before Lucifer had anything to do with them. It's like someone emptied out three almost-similar puzzles and hoped that the pieces would fit together anyway. Tried even to force the pieces to fit, the care lessened each time.

It could only be their Father's work. Or lack thereof. Did it count as work if you only haphazardly rebuild someone and only rely on it all working out on its own?

It's cute that God thinks his children are so self-sufficient.

He fishes into the sea and takes his time to sift through and pick out a fragment. The most gleaming shard, perfection at its max, all choirs and holy light. An angel unmarred by any outside influence, though if he looks more closely he can see the beginning lines of doubt threatening to etch into the edges.

It's funny that Castiel always thought he was so different than Lucifer. Look where they are now.

Well, Lucifer remains a frayed connection, his transfer temporarily stalled by his brother ripping him away from Sam Winchester. He'd made such progress there. Sam was easy to pull apart slow, pick at each fiber and peel away the layers of the mind so that more of Lucifer could wiggle out of the Cage and sidle his subconscious, and then his grace, alongside Sam.

Michael had started to realize what he was doing. Saw Lucifer's little escape-artist plan and fought him for a time until exhaustion had worn him and his vessel ragged. Lucifer thinks it wasn't Michael, but Adam that let Lucifer continue with his plan. Poor, abandoned, disenfranchised Adam.

One of them had laughed at Lucifer when he was shunted into Castiel. He hadn't taken it well at the time—on either side of his connection. Now they were back to ignoring each other and Lucifer kind of wishes they weren't; Michael's insight in regards to their brother could prove invaluable.

He could just leave it. He should just leave it. Unlike Sam, Castiel is so naturally frayed that Lucifer can crowd right in and be free of the Cage with hardly any hassle. Castiel did him a favor.

“Why should I hole up in the shambles of a motel? I'm not a Hunter, I'm not into that life,” he tells Castiel. “I wasn't expecting Five Stars, but come on, Castiel.”

“... What?” It's the second time Castiel has looked at him since he got here. Castiel's fear has taken a step back in favor of his confusion.

“In case I wasn't absolutely clear: I'm moving in,” Lucifer answers. “But I don't see why I can't spruce up the place before I fully do so.” He sighs and drops the fragment back into the sea. “We'll have to peruse your trauma and not in a fun torture way.” He holds up new fragments in each hand, pinched between thumb and forefinger. One is still almost white, the other has gone a smoky-gray, but their shapes are nearly identical. “The bits of you blown up by Raphael, and the bits blown up by me, those will line up nicely.”

Castiel stares at him for a long, long moment, unblinking, eyes glazed like he's thinking over each of his words before he dares to speak. “... Shouldn't all the exact matches go together?”

“Sure,” Lucifer replies easily. “If you want to be incomplete.”

A spike of anger surges through their shared link. “You'll be possessing me, what does it matter if I'm 'incomplete.'”

Lucifer mouths the words back silently in mocking. Then, “If you want to be 'complete' as Daddy's walking robot, devoid of the concept of Free Will, and whatever humanity—for better or for worse—did to you, then fine.” He leans back, staring at his brother, eyes aglow with... rage? … Sympathy? No, no. Never. But he doesn't understand why this is unsettling him. “A Hand of God,” he jeers, “ready to answer his will—even though he's the one partially responsible for the mess you are now.”

“I...”

“Don't get me wrong,” Lucifer continues right over Castiel, “I can't take credit for your mountain of mistakes, and neither can our Father. You screwed the pooch, Castiel. But this?” He rolls his head and indicates the sea around them. “There was 'Some Assembly Required' to this whole Resurrection Thing and someone sure skipped out on that—typical.”

Castiel lowers his head and doesn't react further.

Lucifer says nothing and seals the two pieces he'd been holding together and then Castiel full body shudders and Lucifer feels more than sees memories slide over the two of them.

“Oops,” he says, a little winded. “I hate this already.”

*****

((World's Worst recreation of Operation.))

[drunkenonmysofa]

THE LAST CONVERSATION (A MICHAEL CLIFFORD IMAGINE)

+mobile masterlist

there’s a part one here but you dont have to read it to understand this.

summary: in which you run into the boys and have a heartbreaking conversation with your old best friend, michael.

requested?: hell yeaaaa

word count: 4,564 (my longest so far!! i got carried away lol)

warnings: this is angsty as hell get ready

To fall in love was an easy thing to do. It was gradual, a friendship slowly building up with passion and fire. Although it was easy get in, it was another thing to get out of love.

You were sure that you’ll get over him when you went to his wedding. Because then you’d get closure and go on with your life. You’d move on and love another person. Yet that doesn’t seem to be the case here.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Nick asked, his eyebrows furrowing at your distant stare into what seemed like nothing. His words shook you out of your thoughts, so you send him a half-hearted smile and a reassuring nod.

“I’m okay. Just thinking.” You told your boyfriend, clutching his hand briefly so that he’d be more than content with your answer. Although he didn’t fully believe you, he forced himself to trust your answer. He knew you were keeping something from him, and if you kept your secret for so long, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know. He couldn’t lose you; he’s loved you for 8 months and he couldn’t necessarily just throw it all away.

You’ve been quiet for the past few days, contradicting the first seven months that you were so comfortable and loud whenever he’s around. Nick thought it was going okay—he thought you were doing great—but now it just seemed like an illusion. Your boyfriend’s so sure that the reason for your reserved self—and it’s that damned baby shower invitation that came into the mail a week ago.

“I’m going for a snack run, do you want anything?” You asked Nick, a soft but forced smile on your face as you put your sweater on. He asked for his favourite chips and kissed you goodbye as you exited your shared apartment.

You had to admit to yourself that you did truly like Nick. He had this comfort around him that you found rare these days, and he was one of the very few people who actually helped you move on from someone you used to love.

At least, you thought you were over him.

Almost a year ago, you attended the wedding of your old best friend. Though you initially thought it would help you move on and get closure, it only brought more pain. You still remembered how it felt to see him speak his vows to his bride, it was as if a dull knife was digging into your skin.

Michael Gordon Clifford. That name was still engraved into your being. You couldn’t carve it out—it seemed as if it was permanently etched onto your brain, your heart, your skin. He was everywhere.

Of course, Nick made his way into your heart. For the time being, at least. You kept promising yourself to break up with him, because it didn’t seem fair at all. But he was distracting you from Michael, and the alleviation was something you deemed you needed. Still, it was selfish, but your boyfriend didn’t seem to mind. If he did, he would’ve left long ago.

This type of behaviour was new. You were never like this, at least when you got into a relationship with Nick. It was like something had triggered your memories with Michael. And to be frank, something really did.

When the baby shower invitation first came into the mail, you didn’t mind it. Because it looked like an invitation from Nick’s coworker or friend, but when your boyfriend brought it up at dinner, you had to stop yourself from choking on the pasta. A name you haven’t heard for so long has left Nick’s lips, and made you a mess internally.

It wasn’t like you forgot Michael for the past 8 months, you just barely acknowledged him. After all, you can’t really forget someone who’s technically been in your whole life up until three years ago. He remained to show up in your Instagram feed from time to time, but you quickly scroll past the posts. You still couldn’t bring yourself to cut your all ties off, you felt as if you weren’t ready.

And, of course, there was the occasional text messages from Lauren, Michael’s wife, greeting you every few months. You concluded that Michael told her about the past years that you were inseparable, as well as the fact that you were a big part of his life although the friendship stayed platonic.

This thought led you wondering if Michael also told her that he confessed his love for you three years ago. And that you never told him that you reciprocated his feelings, not even trying to talk to him until nine months later in the middle of December, when you ran into Michael and his girlfriend-turned-wife. After a few minutes of painful, painful small talk, Lauren ended the conversation by asking for your number as they had to continue their holiday shopping. You gave them the number with no reluctance, and you swore you could see a glint in Michael’s eyes.

Although you didn’t know, the only thing on Michael’s mind at that moment was hurt. Because that’s why he couldn’t contact you anymore. You changed your number.

Michael didn’t text you at all. It was Lauren who frequented on reaching out to you even though the text messages popped out once in a blue moon. And when the wedding invitation came through the mail, you were more than surprised. Shocked, even. But that feeling didn’t even amount to when Lauren called you a few hours later to ask you to be a bridesmaid.

You didn’t want to go through with it at all. But Lauren was the bride, after all. She also told you that Michael gave her the greenlight, so you thought to yourself, why not? Of course, there were a lot of reasons why you shouldn’t go, but you blatantly ignored it and went anyway.

It didn’t end well, with you crying in the arms of Calum Hood, one of your closest friends. You rode a taxi on the way home earlier than usual as Calum texted you that he would cover for you in your absence.

You had hoped that the love you felt for Michael would fade in time, but that wasn’t the case here.

Being an undeniably nice person was sometimes the reason as to why you became a pushover. You never usually retorted back or said no to people who would get hurt by your rejection. It was one of the reasons why Nick was in your life, not that you regret anything, you just wished he would’ve come sooner (since you weren’t exactly over Michael yet), and it was one of the reasons why you went to Michael’s wedding.

Now, it’s one of the reasons why you’re at a supermarket, staring into the fridge of ice cream, deep in thought. Though you were trying to pick out a flavour of ice cream you’d like, your mind kept wandering off to Lauren’s baby shower.

“My manager has noticed you having trouble. Do you need any help?” Your head snapped to where you heard the voice. You noticed an employee giving you a kind smile.

The thoughts that were previously in your head was interrupted as you replied curtly. “No, thank you.” And with that, the employee left to tend to other customers.

The short exchange shook you out of your trance as your mind remembered the reason why you were here. So, unlike the past ten minutes, you actually start getting the snacks; vanilla ice cream, a few bags of chips, two six-packs of beer, and your comfort food.

As you turned to the candy aisle, you tried to find your favourite brand of gummy bears. When you noticed it, though, you frowned. There it was, in all it’s glory, on the highest rack. You couldn’t reach it because of your short height, but you still tried. Your fingers reached for the pack as you stood in your tippy toes, small groans emitting from your throat as the situation annoyed the hell out of you.

A hand took the pack of gummy bears from the rack for you, giving it as they chuckled. You sighed in relief, turning to him to give him thanks.

You were met with a mop the most familiar blonde hair, right above the face of an old friend. “You’re still into those?” He chuckled, gesturing to the candy in your basket. “You know those are bad for your teeth, Y/N. I told you a thousand times…” He trailed off.

A smile crept on your face. You recognized him as soon as you turned. “Shut up, Luke.” The reply brings a big grin on his features.

“You haven’t grown at all since I last saw you,” Luke refers to last year, when you spoke to him briefly at Michael’s wedding while simultaneously teasing you about your height. The mention of the wedding makes your smile falter a bit, yet he thankfully doesn’t notice. “But you’re still as beautiful. I’ll give you that, at least.”

The electric blue eyes of Luke Robert Hemmings still reminds you of the ocean even after you stopped talking. You weren’t one to talk to someone unless they approached you first—so when you distanced yourself from Michael, Luke and you got disconnected as well. Luke was never one to approach first, either. But when you do talk, it’s like you’ve known each other since birth, despite meeting him at 9th grade when he and Michael decided to be friends rather than enemies.

He, too, knows how you feel towards Michael. But he rarely acknowledges it, because, unlike Calum, he chose to not mention it as he knew that fact made you feel uncomfortable.

“Always so flirty, Hemmings.” You giggled, slightly blushing at his words.

“You know, the boys are waiting for me at Macca’s. Wanna come?” He inquired with a small smile on his face. “I could wait until you’ve finished paying for your stuff. I’m sure the other guys would want to catch up with you.”

You couldn’t say no, especially to the boys. Though you didn’t necessarily want to see Michael right now, you still missed them. It’s been a year since you saw them in person, so you couldn’t deny a simple hang out, even though it would probably last for only a few minutes.

Since the supermarket wasn’t so busy, you finished paying for your stuff earlier than usual. Your nerves were building up as seconds passed. You didn’t want to admit it to yourself but for once in your life, you wanted a long line of people waiting their turn for the cashier, because then you wouldn’t be able to see Michael sooner.

“You alright, Y/N?” Luke questions from beside you, eyeing you with concern. “You don’t have to go if you don’t want to.”

“I’m fine,” You replied. “It’s just… I haven’t seen you guys in a while and I’m afraid that it’ll be weird.”

“You still talk to Calum, though, right? And it’s fine. They’ll be ecstatic to see you.” Luke said and put some of his own stuff (which was just a few bags of chips) into your basket so that he could pull out his phone. “Here, I’ll give them a heads up.” He types out a message to the boys’ groupchat, showing you the text he sent right after.

You sighed in defeat. “Yeah, whatever.” Luke chuckles at your less than unenthusiastic reply as you gave the basket of junk food to the cashier. “Also, yeah, me and Calum talk from time to time, but we never really meet up. He’s always busy producing music.”

“Did he tell you that he got a girlfriend? She’s English.”

“God, yes. It’s literally all he’s been talking about for the past few facetimes…”

The conversation flowed with Luke smoothly, it was as if you never stopped talking at all. It was weird, to be frank, but seeing him cheered you up and made you momentarily forget about your decision on whether or not you wanted to attend the baby shower.

Luke offered to carry all the paper bags that held all the junkfood and you reluctantly agreed, since he ignored all your rejections and repeatedly insisted that it’s the least he could do for not talking with you for a long time.

Your answers and replies got shorter as you neared the fast food chain. Luke noticed it, but decided against bringing it up, trying to make you laugh instead.

When you entered the boys’ line of sight, you’d imagine more of an awkward stare. You would wave politely at them as they waved back. But that wasn’t the case here.

As soon as Calum saw you, which was the second you walked into the restaurant, he jumped from his seat, running to you until he’s engulfed you into a hug. “Oh my God, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that I was in town.” He said, his voice muffled as he buried his head into the crook of your neck. You giggled at his abrupt greeting, hugging him back just as tight before you both let go. “You look as horrible as ever.” He joked, putting an arm around your shoulders as you playfully scowled at him, swatting his hand off of you.

Ashton was quick to come up to you too as soon as you were six feet away from the table they shared. He gave you a brief hug with a smile on his face. “It’s so good to see you, Y/N.” You said the same to him, an equally big smile on your face. Subconciously, your eyes drifted to the table.

And there he was. A black beanie was wrapped around his head with a few locks of his blonde hair sticking out messily. You haven’t seen him in person in such a long time, you actually got caught off guard at his appearance. His hair definitely got longer, he got a stubble, and he drfinitely looked mature. Though the features looked new—you were still struck with familiarity.

It was Michael Clifford, after all. You couldn’t forget him if you tried.

In an attempt to avoid an awkward conversation, you try and strike up small talk with the other three boys. Though it was cut short as Michael stood up from the table and approached you, a small smile on his ever so familiar pink lips.

“Hey,” He gently tugged on the end of your hair, averting your attention to him. It takes you a few seconds to collect yourself because you feel the nostalgic aching in your chest that you haven’t felt in a long period of time. Michael noticed your hesitance, but mistakes it for confusion. “What, no hugs for Mikey?”

The teasing question catches you off guard, but despite the nagging in the back of your head telling you that this was a mistake, you laughed. It’s somewhat fake—but Michael doesn’t need to know. “You haven’t changed, haven’t you?” The words left your lips in a happy tone, but it felt like venom in your mouth. He changed—he definitely did, but maybe, maybe if you keep telling yourself that he didn’t then it would come true.

“You know I haven’t.” Michael smiled, engulfing you in a big hug. It takes you by surprise, but you barely hesitate to hug back. He was always big on physical affection. There wasn’t a time when Michael didn’t hug you at least once when you frequented hanging out. It was one of your favourite things about him.

Unlike the embrace you shared at his wedding a few months back, the hug was long and tight; as if it was something you both longed for. And in a way, it was.

“You’re squeezing me,” You joked, a smile, a genuine smile creeping on your face. Michael released you with a slight chuckle.

You don’t know why this is more comfortable than your encounter back at the wedding. You’re uncertain if it’s because of Lauren’s absence or the boys’ presence, but you know one thing’s for sure.

It’s not as hard to pretend that nothing’s wrong compared to a long time ago.

Next thing you know, you’re all squeezed into one booth, eating unhealthy food like you did back in high school. The guys were telling you stories about the recent events in their lives, words smoothly flowing as the air seemed lighter and happier. For once in a long time, you don’t feel regret.

“How about you, Y/N?” Luke asked, a grin forming on his face. “Any special people?” He wiggled his eyebrows, earning a small laugh from you.

The brief mention of Nick in the presence of someone you loved—and still love—for the past few years makes you squirm in your seat, though it looks like they didn’t notice. It takes you a few seconds to answet him. “Yeah… his name’s Nick.”

In less than an hour, the conversation abruptly ends with a phone call from your boyfriend. He tells you to come home since it’s about to be rush hour and you hastily agreed. “Leaving so soon?” Calum speaks up right after you end your call with your boyfriend, a sad smile on his face, knowing full well that it’ll be a long time until you see each other again.

“Yeah, m'sorry.” You pouted, standing up from the table as Calum follows suit. “Call soon, okay?” The phrase was a goodbye that both of you used often, a habit that you never seemed to outgrow. You never did like goodbyes, anyways.

After your hug with Calum, the other two boys wave you off with big smiles on their faces as they wished you a safe ride home. Michael, though, also stood up. “I’ll walk you to your car.” He stated, taking the bag of snacks from your arms.

Since the mall wasn’t that big, you were in the car park in a matter of five minutes. The walk wasn’t uncomfortable—just silent. It seemed as if Michael didn’t know what to say and vice versa. Though, as you approached closer to your car, Michael starts a conversation that you would later lose sleep over.

“Y/N,” The blonde said, making you snap your gaze towards him. “What happened?”

His question catches you off guard. You don’t exactly know what he’s talking about, but you have a general idea. “Hm?” With eyebrows raised, you looked at him in confusion.

“It’s been almost three years.” Michael stared in front of him, trying to avoid your stare. “I told you I loved you then you left. Just like that.”

The mention of the unspeakable event makes you shudder. Your gaze drops to your shoes in guilt. It’s hard to say anything. You couldn’t muster up even a simple apology to him as the familiar aching in your chest returns.

Michael noticed your silence, so he keeps talking. “I tried so fucking hard to talk to you, Y/N.” His words are like daggers in your chest. “But you tried to avoid me like I was the plague. You even changed your number. At one point you blocked me out of everything.” Michael’s voice cracks, and even though you’re not looking at him, you know he’s struggling to fight the tears just as you are. “If it wasn’t for us bumping into each other then you wouldn’t even unblock me.”

“Car,” You told him, not bothering to look at him as you entered the driver’s seat and he enters the passenger’s. If the tension in the air wasn’t thick, it sure was now. It was almost as if you could cut a knife through it. You remained quiet after you said the word.

“I just…” He sniffled. You felt your heart break iinto a million pieces as tears brimmed your eyes. “I just want to know why.”

“I… I’m not sure—” You muttered under your breath but it was loud enough for him to hear.

“Don’t,” Michael said, his voice turning stern. “I deserve an explanation rather than an ‘I’m not sure’.” The phrase angered him, but still, the hurt remained. His gaze burns into the side of your skull.

“I was scared, Michael!” You exclaimed, hot tears running down your cheeks. Michael’s breath hitches at the tone of your voice but his stare on you stays fixed. Though, your eyes keep their hold on the empty car park in front of you, trying their best to avoid him. Your voice becomes softer. “I was scared that one day, you’d wake up and not love me anymore. I can’t live with that.”

“Then you should be dead by now.” Michael muttered, making you avert your eyes toward him. His gaze falls back onto the scene in front of him as you caught his bloodshot eyes. “I spent so many days wondering what could’ve been if you loved me.”

“But I did love you.”

“Did you love me when you left without a word?” Michael’s tone sounds defeated. “Did you love me when you ended our friendship?”

“Michael…”

“Did you love me when I said I loved you?” Michael sighed, resting his head against the window beside him. You’re trembling, out of guilt, sadness, and anger towards yourself. You can’t stand to see him like this, and the fact that you induced it made you hate yourself even more.

“I love you, Michael. I still do…. I don’t think anything would ever stop that.” You said weakly as you tore your gaze off him. “I’m sorry.”

“I loved you, Y/N. For the longest time.” Michael paused. “Then I realized that this is the way it should be.”

You don’t say anything, but the whimpers escaping your lips says a thousand words.

“We didn’t have the right timing, did we?” He joked and chuckled lightly, but there was no humour in the situation. “You want to know something?” There was no words from you, but a glance told him that you did. “I don’t regret anything. I don’t regret falling in love with you, Y/N.”

A relieved laugh escaped from your lips out of sudden happiness, but the tears are still streaming down your face. “I don’t regret falling in love with you either.”

Michael figets with the gold band on his ring finger. “Back when we were seventeen, do you remember when you were confined because of the car crash?” You slowly nod, wiping away the tears on your face. “I was the first person that saw you wake up since the accident. I felt like the luckiest man on the planet.” Michael grinned softly at the memory, the tears now stopped. “Then you gave me the happiest smile. That’s the first time I knew I loved you.”

“I’m sorry I hurt you.” You quietly said. “But… are you happy?”

“The happiest I’ve ever been.” Michael smiled. “Are you?”

“To be honest?” You let out a dry laugh. “I don’t know.”

His hand makes it’s was to your upper arm, a familiar gesture of comfort that you had both adapted. You don’t feel butterflies and it doesn’t seem romantic, but you find a snippet of home and belonging in his simple touch. Despite the growing distance between you. “The world is not that big of a shitshow.”

“Wait for it.” You joked, giving Michael a small grin. He released your arm and puts down the bag on the floor of the passenger’s seat.

Michael sniffs. “Take care, okay?” And before you could even reply, he’s out the door, walking away with his back facing you. You don’t know for sure, but it looked like he was wiping his face as he walked.

With a burst of confidence and desperation, you get out of the car and run after him, the tapping of your shoes against the floor echoing in the slightest. He doesn’t notice you at first, but he does when you hug him from behind. The waterworks start again. “Michael, don’t leave, please. Please,” You whimpered. “Choose me, please.”

You could feel the beat of his heart as you hugged him. It was fast as his labored breaths. “I love her.” His words break your heart. “You have to let me go.” Your arms are pried off him and he breaks free from your hold. He turned around with new tears falling onto his rosy cheeks.

“We can’t end like this.”

“We never even started, Y/N.” Michael shook his head in disappointment. “Look at me,” He cups your cheeks in his warm hands, making you fix your eyes on his. “Promise me you’ll take care of yourself.”

“Michael—”

He cuts off your stubbornness. “Promise.”

“… I promise.” You hesitantly said. As soon as the two words leave your lips, Michael engulfs you in his arms once again as he buried his face in the crook of your neck. “I guess this is goodbye, isn’t it?” You whispered. Michael lets go of you and nods slowly. “Take care, Michael Clifford.”

“Keep your promise, Y/N Y/L/N.” And he leaves. He never really liked goodbyes as well.

The ride on the way home is quiet, apart from the faint music coming from your car radio. The tears on your cheeks had dried because of the air conditioning, and surprisingly, you don’t find yourself crying. When you enter your apartment, Nick’s already asleep on the couch as the TV plays a football game. Despite feeling sleepless, you go to your bedroom and nestle yourself under the sheets.

You don’t sleep for a few hours, replaying the conversation in your head over and over again. You kept going through what you should’ve said that could make him stay, but you realize it’s too late now.

Your thoughts wander to the baby shower. In a haste, you pull out your phone text Lauren an apology because you decided to not go. You didn’t know how you’d react to Lauren and her baby bump, but theres a high chance that it would break you.

It was going to be a long process, but you had to get over Michael. You had to face your fears this time in order to take care of yourself. Going over what you should do, you concluded that you shouldn’t be in a relationship with Nick if you only considered him a distraction. But you decide to do it in the morning instead.

Maybe, in a few years’ time, you’d meet the love of your life and start a family with him. And if he asked about the people you fell in love with, you’d tell the story of you and Michael. Perhaps you’d do it without hesitance and with a smile on your face, because even though he’s the one that got away, he would still be the greatest what if in your life.

But now, as you’re huddled under the duvet and you’re losing sleep over him, you tell yourself to keep his promise. No matter how hard it is. Even if it takes two hours of crying or three tubs of ice cream or morning jogs. You will take care of yourself.

And you can’t wait until the familiar green eyes start to remind you of beautiful trees instead of heartbreak.

[grilledcheesedelux]

“Fuck it, right?”

AN: Okay so..I’m trying the fanfiction thing out. I actually wrote this a while ago, but just never posted it anywhere because I didn’t have a reddie blog lol. This sucks a lot, so be prepared, but since I have nothing to post on here just yet, I just decided why the hell not.

Summary: Richie begins noticing that he may swing the other way, and it gets harder for him to deal with when he realizes he may like one of his best friends: Eddie Kaspbrak. He decides to tell him during a sleepover at Bill’s place.

Sleepovers are not uncommon for the losers. If anything, they have them almost every other day. But tonight, Richie knew things were going to be different. He knew the moment everyone decided upon even having the sleepover. Tonight was the night he told Eddie just how he felt.

For many kids his age, telling your crush how you feel about them can be sort of a big deal, but not quite that bad. For Richie, however, this felt like life or death. He had only recently noticed his sexuality, and how he needed to come to grips with it, just a few months back. For the first few weeks of finding this out, he was in complete denial. He tried thinking of celebrity women he would like to kiss, or even girls at his school he would want to go out with. But he felt nothing. It was completely different, however, when he thought about Eddie. Anytime Eddie came to his mind, he felt this nice, heavy sort of feeling in his chest, but at the same time it felt awful. He absolutely hated the fact he wanted to kiss a boy, his friend at that, but it wasn’t like he could help it. After months and months of just hating on himself, and then coming to grips with the fact he likes boys, not girls, he decided he needed Eddie to know. He needs Eddie to get what he’s feeling, and hell, maybe he may even feel the same way. Though, that was really only a fantasy of Richie’s.

That afternoon, he went straight home after school instead of heading to Bill’s house for the sleepover first. He told the other losers he just forgot something at his house, but he knew that wasn’t true. He just wanted to get himself mentally prepared for tonight. He got home and went straight to his bathroom. He looked in the mirror, and tried desperately to recite what he was going to tell Eddie to his reflection, though he felt it was all just too awkward.

“Hey, Eddie? Can I tell you something? No, no, that’s way too upfront. He’ll know exactly what I’m gonna say, and he’ll think I’m a fucking weirdo. Okay, okay, try again,” Richie sighed to himself, feeling this would never ever go the way he wants it to. “Eddie, I’m gonna be real with you. I kinda wanna kiss the hell out of you. No no! That’s way too fucking weird!” Richie frustratingly slammed his fist on his bathroom counter. He was so upset and angry, as he felt this would all just end up in the end of their friendly relationship. He’d be kicked out of the loser’s club and would be completely friendless, and all just because he likes a boy. That’s when Richie decided he was just going to say exactly what he was feeling. It was too bad he was saying this just to his reflection and not the real Eddie.

“Alright, look. I like you, Eds. I really REALLY like you. I know you won’t like me back, and this will all just end up in you hating me or something, but I really just need this off my chest. Every time I see you I feel things in my chest, and it can feel nice, but it also hurts so much. Like..like I’ll never be able to just see you like a friend, but just as the boy I want to hold hands with. I’m really sorry, Eddie. I hope this doesn’t fuck anything up.” Richie looked up at his refection, and saw that he had an actual tear on his cheek. He quickly wiped it away, as there was no way he was going to look weak during all of this. He took a couple of deep breaths, and opened the bathroom door. What he wasn’t expecting was to see Mike standing right there.

“Woah. Dude...is that how you really feel?” Mike was shocked, his jaw stood in a dropped position. Richie was so embarrassed, his face red and his eyes watering from embarrassment.

“Why are you here?” Richie asked, his voice shaking as he tried to conceal tears. He didn’t want to cry, especially not after saying all of that. He knew he was on the brink of tears because of how embarrassed and shocked he was, but at the same time he knew Mike and the others would have to find out sooner or later, right? He just didn’t really feel now was the right time for the others to find out.

“I was just..checking on you. You usually go straight to Bill’s place, but you didn’t show up. We figured you’d be back soon but you’ve been gone for over half an hour. So, I just decided to..y’know..see if you were okay? To make sure you didn’t have an accident on the road or something.” Mike was looking at the floor, like he was unable to make eye contact. “Actually..it wasn’t my idea to come up here.”

Richie paused. “Then who’s was it?” Mike had a slight grin on his face as he looked back up at Richie.

“It was Eddie’s.”

Richie’s face lit up, and his heart swelled with excitement. “Wait, really? Like, for real?” He wasn’t really sure why this excited him that much, as Eddie WAS the hypochondriac of the all the losers, but it just felt nice knowing Eddie cared for him in some sort of way. “Then..why didn’t he come? Are you lying to make me feel better, because you know you don’t have to do that.”

“No, I swear I’m not lying! Eddie got scared you had an accident or something, and asked someone to check up on you. He said he didn’t want to go because…” Mike’s voice traced off, another grin appearing on his face. “..he didn’t want to see you hurt. We all knew that he wasn’t scared about you being in an accident, though.” Richie was confused, seeing as that WOULD be why Eddie would want to check up on him.

“Then what was he scared about? Stop fucking around with me, Mike. I need to know what the hell’s going on.”

“Sorry, sorry! It’s just..I think Eddie likes you back, man. Anytime you’re not around, all he talks about is how he wishes you were there. ‘If Richie were here,’ this and ‘If Richie were here,’ that. He was worried you were upset about something. After we mentioned the sleepover earlier you just seemed more..upset? Like, kind of fidgety and stuff. He just wanted to know you were okay, but didn’t want to have to see you sad. If that makes any sense..I didn’t really understand it, but that’s what he said.” Richie was stunned. Eddie cared..that much about him? Where he couldn’t even see him sad or anything?

“Um..yeah. Okay…can I ask you a question?”

“Go for it.”

Richie paused slightly, looking at his dirty shoes instead of at Mike. “Do..do you really think he’ll like me back? And, was what I said, like..too dumb or something? I don’t wanna look like a bitch or anything in front of him, but-“

“Look, it’s okay. What you said was great, and if you say what you said just then to the REAL Eddie, he’ll appreciate it. Whether he likes you or not.” Richie’s face began to slightly blush at just the thought of Eddie liking what he said about him. Mike patted Richie’s back, and signaled it was about time to head back to Bill’s house.

“Wait..Mike?”

“Yeah?”

“If…if he doesn’t like what I have to say..you won’t kick me out of the Loser’s Club, right?” Mike sort of giggled, and shook his head.

“Dude, that’s absurd. None of us could even consider kicking you out, much less just because you like one of the members. Ben likes Bev, and we don’t kick him out?”

“Yeah but..that’s different.”

“And how so?” Mike said with a little smirk on his face, as he already knew the answer, and also knew what he was going to say back.

“Because it’s like..gay?”

“Dude, that’s not a bad thing. You know, I’ve actually got a gay uncle. My family isn’t really all that accepting of that kind of stuff, so we don’t really talk about him much. But, I do know he was a great guy, and my parents still loved him when they were here. He’s my mom’s brother, and she always told me she couldn’t be any happier than with the brother she already had. You really don’t need to worry about anything, Richie. It’ll all be okay.” Jesus, why does Mike have to be the greatest person to talk to? Thank God he was the one that showed up. Richie had tears forming in his eyes from the last things he said, because he never thought any of his friends would feel this way, and to be honest, much less Mike. Richie pulled him in for a hug, wiped his face off, and started off to Bill’s house.

“We’re back, losers!” Richie shouted from downstairs, looking over at Mike, who gave him a big thumbs up. Richie took a deep breath, and began walking up the stairs towards Bill’s room.

“Hey R-Richie! W-What the hell t-t-took you so long?” Bill asked, sitting on the bed with Eddie and Ben. Bev was sitting on Bill’s desk, though he’s repeatedly told her not to.

“I was just out fucking your mom. You know, she’s quick.” Bill rolled his eyes and returned to talking with Bill. Eddie however, jumped up from the bed and ran over to Richie.

“Jesus Christ, Tozier, I thought you were dead! And you said you forgot something, but I see nothing new with you! What the hell’s going-“ Richie grabbed Eddie and pulled him out of Bill’s room, shutting the door with an unintentional slam. The losers tried to run over there and see what was going on, but Mike stopped them. He knew what was happening, and there was no way in hell he was going to ruin this moment for Richie.

“What the f-“

“Eddie, just listen to me a minute. I need to talk…serious with you.” They were now standing in a cold bathroom, which was not what Richie had planned, but it would have to do.

“Wait..what’s going on? You’re not ever serious about anything. Are you hurt? Is someone else hurt? IS SOMEONE DEAD?!”

“No, just shut up a second Eds!”

“Don’t call me Eds.”

“Just listen, okay?! I...I like you.” Eddie’s face turned a bright shade of red.

“I-I mean I w-would sure hope so as friends..” He stuttered to much he almost sounded like Bill.

“No, I mean..Love you..sorta. It’s weird. Like..when I see you, I get this weird feeling in my chest that kinda..hurts? If that makes any sense at all. But like..I kinda like it at the same time. I hate that I feel that way, but..fuck it, right?” There was a sort of long silence after what Richie said, and it made his face turn almost as red as Eddies. Almost. “I’m..I’m sorry. I never should’ve said anyth-“ Eddie grabbed the collar of Richie’s shirt and pulled him into a kiss. It was both of their first kisses, so it was messy and not perfect. But to them, it felt like perfection at it’s finest. Richie tried pulling Eddie closer by holding his back gently, and Eddie just held on tightly to Richie’s collar. The kiss was long, but to them it felt longer. They then pulled away simultaneously and just stared at each other for a while. Then Richie got the guts to talk.

“Woah.”

“Woah.”

“So like..what was that?” Richie realized he was holding Eddie’s hand, and immediately let go.

“I’m, uh..n-not sure. It felt..nice. I think.”

“Yeah. Really nice.” There was yet another awkward silence, and Richie could begin hearing the faucet dripping.

“So..you wanna-?” Eddie directed toward the door behind Richie.

“Oh, yeah, yeah. Right. Uh..do you just..not wanna mention it? Mike kinda already knows about me liking you, so..could I maybe tell him that I scored a kiss?” Richie said, a smirk on his face. Eddie giggled and pushed past Richie to the door.

“I think we should just tell all of them. I mean..fuck it, right?”

[euphorica-smiles]

Rules: tag 20 followers you want to know better

Tagged by: @principessabel; sorry took me so long XD; I kind of forgot until I remember vaguely I got tagged something and I got scatter-brained but yeh haha;; also I remember very vaguely I got tagged for something similar by I thiiiiiiiiink (was it you @aochii9113, i thinkkk? I remember you did tag me but i just can’t remember what ‘tagged meme’ thing it was ;w;;; so so sorry) but anyway yeah moving onnn 

Name: Jasmine 

Nickname: lord where do I begin XD uh Jas, Jassy, Jazzy, Jaz, Jas Jas, Jasmine the flower, Jasmine tea, Jasmine rice, flower, tea 

Gender: female

Star sign: Gemini

Height: 160cm - yas I is smol XD which reminds me I think bout as small as Chuya even 

Sexual orientation: Biromantic asexual. Took me a while to really come to terms. 

Hogwarts house: I.....actually do not know because I haven’t watched Harry Potters for so long so XD really..not sure. 

Favorite color: Blue, sky blue, purple, maroon and lime green (strangely). 

Favorite animal: UNICORNS AND DRAG-- I mean, I like all animals! I really do XD Except...except.... *thinks* Yeah actually I like all animals. But specific favorites would be cats and horses. 

Time right now: 11:26AM

Average hours of sleep: depends; if insomnia hits, 1 to 2 hours maximum. But my usual would be around 2 to 4 hours. Longest I had was 6 hours. Which may explain why I’m more like a forced early riser because much as I want to go back to sleep, I just can’t. So I wake up very early but very tired/drowsy. 

Cat or dog person: I have both XD 7 cats and a dog. And I hate/love all of them but ultimately love all of them. They’re all fluffy demons. ALL OF THEM I TELL YOU.

Favorite fictional characters: Mmmm hmmm... well, if by ranking honestly it’s Chuya, Dazai and Sebastian. Otoge rankings would beeee Impey, Toma and Dui. This is kinda hard because for me Chuya is top and king husbando, everyone else are boyfies and waifus in the harem XD. But aaanyway my other fictional biases include: Hakurei Reimu, Marisa Kirisame, EE.VE.RY.ONE from Bungo Stray Dogs, Toma from Amnesia, Impey Barbicane, Saint-Germain, Van Helsing and Arsene Lupin from Code: Realize (goodness me I am still working on that essay LOL), Genjyo Sanzo and Kougaiji from Saiyuki, Kiryuin Satsuki from Kill la Kill; Gouda Takeo, Makoto Sunakawa and Yamato Rinko from Ore Monogatari, Shizuo Heiwajima from Durarara!!, Kotobuki Reiji and Ichinose Tokiya from UtaPri. Fukuyama Jun from Devil Lady,  Midou Ban (Get Backers), and..... whoa quite a lot honestly. Especially mostly the ones named are the ones that have a lot of impact through my childhood and life. Everyone so far named are either queens, princes, princesses, dukes and duchesses but CHUYA IS KING AND EMPEROR WHOOPS LOL. 

Number of blankets I sleep with: One, because like @principessabel mentioned how it’s hot in Phil, it’s like daily inferno and walking in oven here in MY. I’m a roasted potato here. 

Favorite Singer/band: I can’t answer this for sure because I have so many to name so I’ll just say my entire itunes playlist consisting of 68,950 songs is my life source. 

Dream trip: Mmm I’ve been to Seoul for a month and it was quite enlightening as well as life learning experience - plus it was during the autumn season so GOD YES THE COLDDD - there had been talks about going there again so that’s one. However, there’s a definite plan on saving up and planning to go to Japan this year - so hopefully if I’m starting my degree very late, health in decent condition and financially well I’ll be able to go to Japan with my sister, because really if I don’t travel to Japan sooner I have a feeling when I get older my health will be in decline to go anywhere and do anything within limits. I also aspire to visit as many European countries >w<

Dream job: Writer. That’s about it. Although I also aspire to be an educator. ... For writing. XD

When this blog was created: Four years ago. Around September 2013. 

When did your blog reach its peak: Took me some time to remember this because I think what it was my ‘Voltage Inc text messages’ that took this blog to its peak - I started accepting requests, and then later it was the fanfics for Voltage Inc otome. I’m mostly not too involved with the fandom community as much due to a lot of fall outs and some personal disputes but I still love otome so I mostly just really enjoy it by myself in this blog and with closer friends rather than mixing around like I used to - But I admit I’ve met great people and great friends, some stayed and some drifted. When I got into Bungo Stray Dogs, I’ve never really paid much mind to think how I’d socialize around here again but ever since I posted some Chuya and BSD here and there, wrote fanfics, and started to self-indulgently post pics of my merch and especially my beloved Chuya shrine, I’ve got acquainted with many of you lovely people (including the ones who tagged me in this) so again I just want to say that honestly, my blog wouldn’t have reach to any peaks without a lot of you - followers, friends, mutuals and even just visitors of this blog alike. So once again, thank you so much. 

What made you decide to make a Tumblr: I’ve always like blogging ever since Livejournal era but I haven’t found something that could really make me stay. When I got into mobile otome gaming aka start of voltage inc love, I saw so many cute and funny to serious and thought-provoking posts on Tumblr, I decided I wanted to make my own and there we go XD. Now this Tumblr is like my main go-to blog for any blogging to non-creative and creative writing plus a lot of shitposting ahem

why did you choose your URL: I started this main blog as ‘sunnydewdew’ but due to, as I had mentioned, personal disputes and some fall outs plus I just didn’t want to be closely associated to the kind of messy dirty history with ‘sunnydewdew’, I changed to ‘euphorica-smiles���. ‘Euphoria’ has always been my favorite word (another is mellifluous), but it felt weird to put ‘euphoria-smiles’ XD;? Euphorica is nonexistent but I wanted something that goes well with ‘smiles’ because smiles don’t always mean happiness - it can mean sadness or even ambivalence, which is what this blog is made of as well. So I was like ‘Ah okay nevermind, euphorica-smiles would sound nice I think’ andddd there we go. Was thinking of possible url name change but like ehhhhh I don’t wanna confuse people and it would be really annoying to keep changing urls for wtfs really.  

Not gonna tag anyone because too many of you lol so uh if you guys wanna do this, feel free! :3 consider yourself tagged

[sashaloriene]

To Be Present Is To Be Alive

About two months ago, I felt the urge to pack up and go. No reason in particular, I just needed a change of scenery. I wanted a break from my surroundings and I knew it had to happen sooner than later. It was time for a new experience. On June 12th, I randomly thought, "I want to paint on the beach - and not just on any beach, one in or near Los Angeles, CA." I booked my flight, rental car, and Airbnb for LA within the next two days and found myself rushing to the airport to catch my flight (late per usual) less than two weeks later. Thank God for Chase Ultimate Rewards points! 

As I sat in the plane the morning of June 26th, wondering 'how did I get here,' I shifted my thinking towards what I wanted to get out of this trip. Would I get sad or dare I say, lonely? Would I wish someone else was here? Would I be able to meet new people? Would I be able to hang out with my friends? Would I be able to enjoy my own company away from home if not? I realized I had no itinerary. So many thoughts ran through my mind. It got so overwhelming that I finally promised myself to live in the moment during this impromptu trip - not to dwell on past or the uncertainty of the future. This trip was so spontaneous, as I had no plans for the week aside from meeting up with three people at some point and potentially painting a mural. So regardless of what happened, I was going to roll with the punches and accept what was in store for me each day at a time. And what would you figure, it worked!

Everyday in LA was sporadic and memorable. I got to spend time with one of my cousins who's been in LA for school. On my first day, we hung out with her friends on the beach for some girl time! We had food, drinks, books, and of course I painted lol. We even saw 3 dolphins playing by the shore, which I heard was rare for that beach. It was awesome meeting her friends. It felt like Sex In The City LA style for the day! Bougie, merry, and black girl magic lol. They definitely reminded me of my girlfriends back at home. All of them were well in touch with their purpose and actively helping their community in one way or another. Her friend Amirah even has an awesome podcast called Living For The Weekend, where she and a fellow black millennial woman living in LA talk candidly about their life experiences as they work to make everyday feel like the weekend. Dope! Seeing fellow black women being their own superheroes (or super-heroines, I should say) and sharing their experiences will always be amazing to me. You have to keep your squad tight, motivated, and encouraged. 

My second beach excursion was also amazing. I picked a random beach I found that a blog post described as a "getaway" so I could paint with little to no distractions - just sun, waves, and paint supplies. I wanted to be present and take in the experience and the scenery. A friend decided to join last minute so we headed to Leo Carrillo State Beach in Malibu. As we climbed down the mountain towards the actual beach area, we decided to take pictures of the view and found ourselves in deep conversation about life - the stresses of school/the education system, the importance of mental health and wellness, the complexities of just being a 'responsible' adult, the realization of not fully knowing our next moves, and the ideal career/lifestyle we actually want. You know, the usual hour-long girl talk! Then this woman and her gorgeous dog (a young mostly black German Shepard) walked by. Being the dog lady that I am, I just had to pet her dog but the woman instantly gave me chills for some reason. Although she was nice and friendly, I couldn't figure out what it was about her until she shared her story. We soon found out that on the morning of my 23rd birthday, she was in a horrific accident and flat-lined, but ultimately survived. We all talked for about 15 minutes about how she found purpose in life through this accident - finding people and reassuring them that they are on the right path. She left us with the following words of encouragement: "Yes, to all of your hopes and dreams. Yes, you deserve love and adoration. And yes to whatever you were just discussing. Do it." Needless to say, my friend and I were stunned lol. Isn't it crazy how timely the universe brings people together?! Oddly enough, things like that often happen to me so I was glad to share that moment with a friend. Now I have proof that I'm not crazy haha! So thanks for stopping by and sharing your good vibes Cassandra M. Bauer. You're presence was noted and appreciated. We heard you! Fate had its hand in that moment.

On my last day in LA, I got the opportunity to help paint the first BLACK GIRLS WHO PAINT mural. This was truly one of the highlights of this trip! After I booked the trip, my friend Shak, an awesome LA graffiti artist, proposed doing a BGWP mural in the The Graf Lab (TGL) Space on Washington Boulevard and Normadie Avenue. I was a little apprehensive at first because I haven't painted a mural in years and this would be my first time seriously attempting to spray paint. Painting with a can uses a completely different technique than painting with a brush for sure. But of course, Shak wouldn't have me giving up before I even tried, so he encouraged and ensured me that it would be not only a great mural, but a great experience, as well. So we put some sketches together and the magic happened! I knew it would be dope, but I never saw it going so well. He introduced me to Trauma (a local graffiti artist), Pooh (a local BGWP), and Dominic Jones (a local photographer/cinematographer who captured the experience and work can be found here). Everyone had such great energy. I learned a lot about spray painting. I never pictured myself painting a mural without a paintbrush and there I was, trying new things and loving it! I even got the opportunity to join TGL as one of the first female artists and have been planning, sketching, and practicing ever since.  Check out the photos below!

By the end of the trip, I was pleasantly filled. With what? I'm not quite sure, but filled with whatever I came there for and a lot of it. I met up with a cousin, a friend from high school, and an art friend I met back home. I painted on the beach TWICE, met dope creatives, learned how to spray paint, sketched my next tattoo (super excited), and did some crucial self evaluation on areas I need to change and/or grow. I also affirmed a few things about myself. I realized that to be present is to be alive. I had so many smiles on my face every day! Being around other creatives tend to unlock something in you and open you to new perspectives. As much as I was surrounded by awesome vibes, I spent more than half the time by myself - sketching, writing, planning, and exploring. Those moments were also perfect. Not one moment did I feel alone even though I was by myself. Even though I enjoyed my own company, I was never truly alone because of the company I chose to keep, whether new or old, near or far. I never felt sad, down, or out-of-place. I stepped out of my comfort zone and accepted things as they came. In a way, I made a new environment my home, at least for the time being, and it felt good - so good that I forgot to take photos most of the time haha! Time flies when you're having fun right?! Check out a few pics below!

So yeah, I can't lie, my trip to LA was nothing short of amazing! Living in the now is pretty sweet too. Cheers to being alive cultivating your own vibes!

[boyshoujo]

also when did i ever mention grandpas ??? i dnot rmember............... BUT I KNOW PUB ENCOUNTER!!!!! and lmao everyone in the game is ugly so that's why i didn't play it,,,,, and there's that one guy called..???? memori??? smth like that idk but he looks like ardyn??? an uglier version of ardyn lol!! btw i Don't want to fuck ardyn,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

SFLJLSKFJ tbh it’s been so long that i dont even remember why i was talking about grandpas,, i just looked it up and ur right the lawyer guy looks like a sad budget version of ardyn lmao???? wait i think i was talking about grandpas bc in hadaka cant u bang the old grandpa butler or something ?? LMAO

so much happened in the last 2 weeks and i wanted to tell u everything but i forgot about it :( lmao its like im a news channel and im like “bringing u the news”,,,,,,,,,,,,, also ur post abt rock robin is so long??? lmao??? but im gonna check it out dw,, ,,,,i have very high standards of the people i bang so they all better be hot,,.,,,.,.,,,.,.,

👏 BRING 👏 ME 👏 THE 👏 NEWS 👏👏👏👏👏👏JKLJFLFJKJFS theyre not that hot………………im just gnna tell u…………theyre not that hot………………………………… the sprites r all over the place tbh and the hottest character imo is the main character lmao BUT i think u’ll like wizz bc he reminds me of you LOL except he’s an asshole lmao

actually i really wanted to fuck willy wonka when i was little???? he was just…. too weird and i liked his weirdness,, and have u even saw his face??? who wouldn’t want to fuck that??? but i just realized im Actually him?? like he got all the money in za warudo but he just wanted a loving family,,,,, i didn’t give a fuck abt charlie or his family when i was little but now,,,,,,,,,, i wish i had a family like charlie………… i now understand why willy wonka is the way he is right now……

tbh ME TOO??????? like……………………..i dont know why…..lmao………. but he’s hot ? in a weird kitsch way ???? like id bang both versions of willy wanka???? i’d bang the angsty purple one AND the emo bowl cut wonka???????? also BINCH SAME ???? i want a kind supportive family like charlie’s ????? wtf ????? wow add willy wonka to the #LonelyBitchClub

the name of that fish in nemo is gill and,,,, its like gel??? got it??? its like hair gel LMAO!! !!! but yeh i searched everywhere and i couldn’t find any porn of him ;^( i even searched in deviantart and didn’t find shit… …… sad….. i didn’t even find any fanfic abt him….. i actually hated him when i was a kid and i thought he was a dick…. i still hate him but since he looks like sergei i gotta fuck him lol!!! if u came at me 10 years ago n asked me abt him i’d say i want to kill himabout hair gel: i thought he was a petty bitch and when he talked abt his hand i was always like: “get over ur self bitch” and ooooooh damn i just looked at his scars again and i take everything i said back   

FSJKSJFSJF out of curiosity i tried looking some up aND I FOUND THE WORST PICTURE IVE EVER LAID MY EYES ON THANKS!!!!! DONT LOOK IT UP LOL,,,, also tbh……….i lied………… ive wanted to fuck gill since the moment i saw him………… he’s a hot goth fish and im into that…….. :/ :/ :/ when u first showed me sergei i was like ..... wow..................... this binch is just like gill from finding nemo mixed w/ leon from resident evil....................

ok i admit it im from saudi arabia, i was going to expose myself sooner or later lol but its just where i live- ok hold on i have a little story, 5 months ago i joined a discord chat for one of the fandoms, i talked about how this fucking evil character is, well.., evil……, like its obvious he’s going to be the villain, and everyone talked abt how he can be a good guy and they all got angry when i said “yeah anyways i don’t like good guys cuz they’re boring” and they immediately asked -where im from, i said “why are you asking :)” ironically cuz its a fuckin chat lmao and u should mind ur own business?? so i said “saudi arabia” and i felt them all judging me?? like if i was from russia for example does that mean “russian people are always right” and if i was from another country u possibly hate r u gonna say “arabic people are fucking evil and their opinions are always wrong”??? like u can’t judge me by knowing my country binch??? i got into 2 arguments abt that character being evil and another one abt how’s his canon hogwart house is gryffindor but i said “he’s a slytherin cuz he’s an asshole, and he looks like draco lmao” and everyone got angry again cuz “how dare u??? draco is a spineless coward while "that character” can fight pretty well" and then i “apologized” for saying my fucking opinion cuz apparently if half the people in the chat disagreed with you then you’re fuckin wrong cuz they said so, and then they said: “u have learned a lesson today” and idk started listing the “lessons” i learned?? like they said: “1. if the people in the chat told u to stop, u stop” ???? stop saying my opinion??? its not your father’s chat??? u don’t own it???? and after that i washed my hands cuz i felt the dirt on them from that filthy chat, ,,,,,, and i was in this chat in the big holiday (its a 4 months holiday) and it was ruining my holiday?? so i was like “fuck it” and deleted the app and i was finally free

tbh i kinda assumed u were from saudi arabia bc all the other countries i listed were like 4am in the morning and stuff but u were still sending asks and i was like ?????? why isnt this binch ASLEEP !!!! dont u have school !!!!also lmao what discord was that ??? they sound like a bunch of nerds IM LAUGHING WHO SAYS “you have learned a lesson today.” LKSJLKDLKSDJSD they got sticks up their ass and take themselves too seriously………… and who gets that heated over harry potter houses in the Year of 2017 lmao….. and people who judge others based on where theyre from ? #Ugly :/

today we had an english test and i was the only one who got 20 i think??? so the teacher (its the fish teacher lmao) looked at the paper then at me and she then smiled and blew a kiss in my direction and said “kisses” and i was like??? and i felt like i was the only student who ever got the full mark and she looked like she haven’t seen any student get the full mark in her tests ever???? i guess im going to be her fave student,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,lmao she also gave me a little snickers

DJLKDSJLK she sounds so cheesy n dramatic wtf lmao………… wow what a turnaround…………….u should bcm the star pupil and Surpass her in English

being a dick culture™ is ubisoft sending me notifications and saying “the new chapter is out!!!! play it now!!!!!!!” “have you played the new chapter??????” “PLAY IT NOW!!!!!!!!” knowing damn well i can’t click on the game’s screem cuz the game is fucking dead,,,,,, like i sent them an email but i didn’t get any reply????tj is a libra??? what a loser,,,,,,,,,,, another reason to hate him,,, like from the moment he betrayed me from season 1 i canceled his ass,,,,, i mean i didn’t give a fuck abt him from the beginning LMaO!!! !!!!! but i knew he was a fake bitch and he was going to betray me,,,,,, 

do u need the links to the playthroughs on youtube ??? this is the season finale with louise but u cn find vincent’s on tumblr i thinkI LIKE TJ !!!! yea hes a libra ass binch but he has a good heart ??? ? he doesn’t deserve this slander………….Bye lol