#this is actually a huge thing in my head that i care deeply about lol

[burningcheese-merchant]

Merchant, what are some headcanons you have about silentlily/mystic cacao? (Aside from the ones we alr have, which I’m rlly grateful for btw🧚‍♀️) maybe even a small fic with one of these ships(I’m definitely not STARVED of content of these guys)

Do you think they have a change at redemption, and if so, would they be together with their respective ancients?

Also just so you know I got converted into the burning cheese cult the day I read your first ao3 fic about the ship, I was amazed by the writing and was craving for more, actually I’m the person named “cracker” that commented on your fics.

Thanks for feeding us with your amazing ideas 🙏🙏

CRACKER??? IS THAT REALLY YOU???

I'm so happy to hear from you again 😭😭😭 where have you been, I've missed you and your comments on my fics 😭😭😭 I love chatting with you man, it's so nice that you found me here

While I can't provide any fics right this second (my fic backlog is HUGE; for multiple stories/AUs/ships, not just BurningCheese. First one in line is a BurningCheese fic I've been sitting on for 2 months+ now. First chapter coming to AO3 soon (as in... tomorrow 👀)), I can provide headcanons at the very least. 3 each, for my old buddy 🫵❤️

Silent Salt never, ever takes off his helm. He is deeply uncomfortable showing his face to anyone, even his friends (it took them forever to learn what he looks like, even after literal years of friendship). The fact that he is not only willing to show his face to White Lily, but let her touch and remove his helm herself (that is HUGE), is a true testament to how much he trusts and cares for her

Silent Salt loves White Lily's hair. He thinks it's absolutely beautiful. She taught him how she braids it so he can do it for her, which he does every so often

I hc Silent Salt as being completely mute (like, he can't make any noise at all. As if he has no vocal cords, period. You can hear him breathing and that's it) and primarily using movement/body language to communicate his thoughts and feelings (and sign language as well, although he uses that to carry on longer and more articulate conversations). White Lily took the time to teach herself sign language so she could understand and communicate with him better, which he finds deeply touching as very, very few people have ever done that for him or anything nice at all really. Letting my personal characterization of + backstory for him slip a little here haha

While Dark Cacao and Mystic Flour are not particularly romantic (it's just not really who they are, nothing to do with not liking each other), they will both still make little gestures for each other. They take care to make each other's favorite tea, just how they like it. Flour will tuck stray strands of Cacao's hair back behind his ears when she notices them (and she always does. She pays closer attention to his face than anyone realizes). Cacao always asks Flour how her day has been, or if something is bothering her (he, too, is attentive to her face and facial expressions, and does notice subtle changes (which is also huge bc Flour wears the same damn face almost all the time lol)). Small things that actually mean quite a lot, because they stem from genuine love that does not need words or grand gestures to make itself known and understood

They are very polite and patient with one another, even when they're disagreeing (or even arguing). They will never talk over each other; they wait until the other has finished saying what they have to say before they respond. They feel a deep mutual respect for one another as individuals and try to maintain this, regardless of how tense their interactions may become

They sometimes exchange keepsakes unique to their cultures, as tokens of affection to hold onto and admire while they're apart. Scrolls, paintings, idols. Small things not really meant to take up space; just things that turn their heads or draw their eyes over for a moment and make them smile when they walk past them in the palace/Ivory Pagoda

Really makes me smile to see you again, dude. You really were there since day 1 and I'm grateful. And I'm glad I convinced you to ship BurningCheese in the first place! You and everyone else honestly 😂 it's both awesome and hilarious how many people have come to me saying I converted them to the ship. I feel I like I'm amassing a private militia lol. Gonna murder all other ships involving either character in their sleep. Gonna storm Devsis HQ and seize control of the writers' room. Gonna hoard nuclear weapons and take over the world

I hope you enjoy the stories I've written on here as well! They're mostly wholesome because as fun as Yandere Spice is, I genuinely do ship Burning Spice with Golden Cheese and want them to be happy and healthy, which is why I mainly prescribe them a slow burn romance + slow burn redemption arc for Spice lmao (they're all tagged #merchant shorts for ease of access. There are 9 in total I think. With more in the oven, because I keep forgetting to put my imagination on a leash most of the time. Trying to slowly work my way up to their wedding) I also hope you like the fan babies 👉👈 I put a lot of time and effort into creating them (please ignore my lack of artistic talent, I will improve eventually. Hopefully. I make up for it with my writing in the meantime), they're my little blorbo grandchildren

(As for that other question of yours... In my main canon + my Reformed Beasts AU (which... are kind of the same ngl lmao), yes, Flour and Salt can change. Any bad person can change their ways if only they cared enough to do so. It takes time and great effort, but eventually, they both turn over a new leaf, as all the Beasts do. As for whether or not they get together with their Ancients... wait and see. I like SilentLily and MysticCacao, but that doesn't necessarily mean they'll happen. You'll find out as I dump more stupid lore on here lol)

[twilghtkoo]

good morning and good night

pairings. haechan x reader (f)

genre. fluff! established relationship

warnings. yn misses her bf deeply, yn being lowkey horny

notes. haechan went live on ig and i’m still recovering so here‘s something short :) i had this idea after he went live and never finished it lol,, but this is just haechan and yn calling each other while they're apart

—

haechan sniffs, the serene noise of the soft pitter-patter of raindrops from outside and the sheets enveloping his half-bare body rustling from his stretching. the hotel room he's occupying was colder last night than he thought it would be, perhaps it was the absence of you, he likes to think.

"good morning handsome." your warm voice hits him.

the sheer curtains allowing a bit of light to seep through in the dark room, despite it being the afternoon. despite the poor weather and the dark clouds painting over the sky.

but you smiling with a bowl of kimchi fried rice in front of you, your damp hair falling over you shoulders and the patio door behind you showing the night sky in seoul. the patio light illuminating the few plants you bought for the new season to make your balcony more pretty. you had also mentioned you wanted the challenge to take care of some greenery for the new year.

"my morning just got better by looking at my favorite person," he says with a beaming smile.

you giggle, before taking a spoonful of your favorite dish.

"you're eating already? isn't it like eight over there right now?" he tilts his head, confused.

"i was waiting for you to call to eat, wanted to show you i was eating the huge ass container of kimchi fried rice you made for me." you responded with your mouth full, as you place your spoon down, stretching out your arms to show him your bowl to your camera.

"thank you for making me a life supply of your famous kimchi fried rice," you joke but he knows you're grateful as well.

he smiles at his screen endearingly, pleased that you are eating and that you saw the huge container sitting in your fridge with a note that had said, 'this should last you for a bit, don't eat it all at once! i love you baby and i miss you <3'.

"gotta make sure you eat real food bubs, cause i know you'd only survive on ramen and takeout." he points out, making you pause mid-chew at that fact. your cooking skills is about average, you can make simple things, but you tend to get overwhelmed at the amount of tasks you have to do for big meals. you usually like to help haechan in the kitchen though.

you swallow your food. "so what're you guys doing today?" changing the subject.

"we're going to be leaving soon, i have awhile to just rest a bit and eat something. then i have to pack up a few things and meet everyone at the lobby."

"don't forget your socks, you always forget a single sock or a whole pair when you travel." you remind him, chuckling at the amount of his single socks you have found in your laundry and you used to think it was your washer machine stealing them, but nope.

he eagerly sits up, his bare upper half on display for only you to see and the thought makes your insides flutter.

"you can stay on the phone with me while i pack. i should do it now while you're here." he props his phone against something, he walks off camera to roll his suitcase over in view for you to see. haechan fresh out of bed is one of your favorite versions of him, another favorite is seeing him beneath you and his face is scrunched up in-

"babe?"

he snaps you out of your lewd thoughts.

"huh?"

he smirks, at you as he folds his socks neatly. "what're you thinking about?" he asks, curiously.

you shake your head, taking another spoonful into your mouth. "nothing, what were you saying, sorry." you sheepishly apologize.

he doesn't mind repeating himself, saying how he has all seven pairs of his socks and that it's because you're on the phone with him that he won't lose any socks this tour and that he should've brought you with him in his pocket.

and you might actually consider traveling overseas to surprise him and awaken those lewd thoughts to life in a hotel room, with him shuddering beneath you.

[rey-jake-therapist]

“A relationship that’s mostly in people’s heads” lol some people are deeply in denial about the fact that it is in fact TROP the show itself that’s pushing Haladriel. It is THE SHOW that invented Haladriel (from a mere few lines from the book, mind you) and literally pushed Galadriel’s actual husband out of the story to do so. This is a huge glaring indication of what the showrunners/writers actually care about. It’s the creatives involved with the show who have thrown that character/canon marriage under the bus to push the Haladriel agenda; shippers are simply picking up what they’re putting down. It’s completely fine for people to dislike Haladriel, but I would recommend these people be real about the story they are watching and recognise that sometimes the story is not for you. (Ironically some lorebros are actually closer to doing this - all the comments about how TROP has “ruined” Galadriel’s character by having her have romantic feelings for Sauron are obviously sexist, yet they are actually correct about the story that’s being told here.)

In every fandom I've been shippers are always treated as the delusional and stupid ones who "ruin" the story for the others, while 3/4 of the time they're the only ones who actually take the time to analyze what they see and pick the clues that are for everyone to see.

Of course Haladriels will also be wrong about a certain number of things. Of course some of them see Sauron as more "pathetic sad wet cat" than he really is, and analyze everything from the prism of their ship, which is also an inaccurate reading of the character.

But the most outstandingly wrong statements I've read so far didn't come from the shippers, but from the Reddit lore bros who have less media literacy than my nine years old son, who saw a gif of Galadriel and Sauron fighting and immediately thought they were husband and wife, while I never talk about Haladriel with him 🤣

Also it's "mostly in people's head"?! It's in Charlotte Brandström's head too but I guess her views don't count !

[sortasirius]

"There Goes the Groom" and Buck's Queer Joy

Hey so...remember when I did post ep meta for two years? Anyway we're back like we've never left.

Best Hen <3

OBSESSED with micromanaging party planner Evan Buckley. The clipboard was there in spirit.

"You are late."

I'll take married for several years for $500, Alex.

"Ooo sliders."

"Ah ah. No."

"You didn't just do that." PLEASE

Tommy giving Eddie a bro-y high five and then a soft, sweet "hey" for Buck and a hug??? Fellas I might need to be sedated.

Also obsessed with the tinge of bitchiness in Eddie's tone. It's like jealousy without even realizing it's jealousy. And I think it's an interesting mix of "hey my best friend has a new friend" and something else that Eddie cannot label.

Ryan Guzman you must be studied for that little side eye lmfaoooo

I LOVEEEEE TOMMY HE'S SUCH A BITCH, he said I do not care for your party themes. Me for real.

Why were they all so obsessed with the sliders???? I love them all so much.

"Reach for them and you'll be pulling back a bloody stump." WITH THE RAISED EYEBROWS AND THE LITTLE HEAD TILT RYAN GUZMAN I AM KISSING YOU ON THE MOUTH.

"Wholesome, 80s-themed karaoke."

Buck was a party planner in another life and I stand by that.

"We should totally go as Crockett and Tubbs."

"Absolutely."

They are literally this meme:

The little shoulder rub that Buck gives Tommy <333333333333

The way Buck and Eddie are sitting during the party scene, Buck's arm absolutely SLUNG around his shoulder...yeah okay. Okay. I'm normal about this.

The whole party was two idiot best friends pointing at each other and saying "exactlyyyyyy." Yes, I would die for them.

I just want to say that every single thing about Chimney's journey this episode was heartbreaking and scary and I HATED that I didn't know what was going to happen to him the whole time. Ok thanks for your time.

From that guy stealing his car to every Doug jumpscare, I think they did a really good job freaking the audience (at least...me) the fuck out without actually revealing what had happened. Like..we know he's sick, we know something's wrong, but it was a well-paced episode, even if in my perfect world it would have been like two hours long lol.

And the fact that Maddie is always going to look for him, always going to find him, just like he would do for her...don't look at me I'm emo.

Chim essentially pushing the fact that he is actively dying from encephalitis to the side because being a paramedic and saving lives is so deeply ingrained in him it's something the can't forget? He's so important to me.

Then...Kevin. He's such a huge part of Chim's life, his arc, how he became a firefighter, and it essentially include him in the wedding (even though it was in a very scary way), I think it's a really great take on the idea that our loved ones who can't be there for milestones are there even when we can't see them, especially with his line "you invited me, remember?"

Doug was never there, but Kevin was, Kevin will be there even when Chim can't see him.

"I was trying to get back to you the whole time." THEY ARE EVERYTHING HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE THEM. ALL THEY'VE BEEN THROUGH, ALL THEY'VE HAD TO DO, AND THEY STILL FOUGHT FOR AND CAME BACK TO EACH OTHER!!!!

Bobby officiating and saying "and the Los Angeles Fire Department" THEY ARE A FAMILY!!!!

And then...perhaps one of thee most important scenes ever aired on television ever:

"Sorry I'm late, that fire was a beast."

"So are you."

And STRAIGHT in for a SERIOUS kiss??????? 911 writers room you can have my life, take it, it's already yours.

Tommy's little huff of surprise and then hum of "yeah okay I'm down for this." PUT THEM IN THE DICTIONARY NEXT TO THE CUTEST COUPLE OF ALL TIME

And last...Buck coming in to the room where his family, both blood and chosen, is, with soot all over his face, and a smile so bright that it had to have lit up the entire west coast, not caring who saw him or who knew exactly what he had just been doing...yeah, that's what this shit is all about.

EDDIE'S beautiful smile when he realizes how happy Buck is they are best friends FIRST and that is all that matters to me!!!

Hen being like "it's about damn time." SO TRUE QUEEN OF COURSE SHE KNEW!!!!!

I haven't really been able to put this into words yet, but the way they are handling Buck's bisexuality and his first relationship with someone of the same gender as him is just...it's almost astounding. It's been handled with such care, from Oliver to Lou to the writers to the NETWORK, everyone is so clearly fully onboard with this and not afraid of it.

And there's no pain here, his coming out is not born out of trauma or being forced or caught or guilty. Tommy made him feel something that he had never been able to put a name to, and Tommy is helping him figure it out. He's letting Buck be overeager without taking advantage, he's letting him move at his own pace (which, of course, is at light speed) but is also confident enough in himself to pump the brakes when he feels like he needs to.

I just can't get enough of that smile, of how fucking happy Buck is. Happy in himself, happy with Tommy, happy to finally have a name for who he is, and not be afraid to share it with the people he loves. His parents' reactions don't matter, because he knows the people that matter to him most won't care who he's with, as long as he loves them and they treat him well.

It's such a huge step for Buck, who has so often fallen prey to what other people might think, it's so refreshing to see him get to explore this without fear of what others will say. Tommy is a steady constant, experienced and knows who he is. He teases Buck and calls him Evan and flirts with him shamelessly, and it flusters him in the best way.

To see a character like Buck, who was, essentially, billed as straight from the beginning of the show, be able to come in to himself and experience real queer joy...wow. For me, it just can't be overstated.

I can't wait to see where Buck's journey goes, and I am just so...grateful to be able to watch it.

[actuallylorelaigilmore]

birthday and pronouns and fascism, oh my

since my birthday means it was time to update my blog bio, @actuallylukedanes made the excellent suggestion that i also post about it.

cuz while i needed to update my age (woo, a round number! maybe it won't take me six months of adjusting to remember how old i am, for once!) and i update my blog title constantly, sometimes more than once a day, lol...i also finally updated my pronouns.

so if you've known me for years or just happened by my little corner of the internet cuz you saw something you like, i don't know about you but i'm heading into my yeah maybe we're all gonna end up dead or imprisoned but i'd rather fight some fascists era as this coming year approaches.

so i'm here to support (and as much as i can, protect) my family and friends and people who need help, and i understand the battening down the hatches of every person who has to be more careful now, who can feel the precarity of their rights and safety more acutely than ever. i'm also worred about my own rights and safety, as a disabled queer mentally ill fat person in the world, whose only income is ssdi and only safety net is (wonderful, yet piecrust-precarious) community.

but i remain the same person who was labeled both 'ornery' and 'little miss contrary' by my grandmother as a child, and i suspect that's why my response to the truly horrific possible futures we could be heading into is Time To Get Louder Then. i don't plan to take ill-advised risks, but i also have no interest in quieting myself down.

therefore! since i have, for life/mental health reasons, ghosted my own blog for so long that i kind of didn't post through a lot of developments, i am here to say that my bio update includes pronoun changes because, well, pronouns (like people) change. though i haven't actually changed so much as figured out more accurate descriptors, over the last little while.

i've said on here for years that my gender is 'person wearing a red shirt at target' and that still feels true, because my identity is less a firm, specific thing than it is a lack of a thing. as somebody afab and socialized that way, some descriptors don't bother me at all, like terms of endearment from people i love. and broad common female pronouns (she, here) feel more clinical, somehow, as if that degenders them a little. whereas ones like 'ma'am' and even 'female' feel *more* gendered.

idk why that is, or why things that feel girly to me grate on my brain in the first place. but in my 20s and 30s, i couldn't explain why i identified as gay or queer yet was deeply uncomfortable with 'lesbian.' now i know, and as much as it feels like further complicating my descriptors (i've already got 5 different disorders! i contain multitudes!) it's a huge relief to have the language.

some of which, also wasn't new. i think i found the term agender a while back, at least a few years ago. i'd never seen a description that fit me before, not quite so well. i identify as lacking gender, wanting to exist outside of the recognition of gender--i understand the different gender labels/norms and respect them for other people, however they identify...but for me, gender feels like a lie.

it's only within the last year sometime that i finally figured out, with the help of resources via my best friend, that being agender fits under the nonbinary umbrella, which can also fit under the umbrella of trans. i've never thought of myself as someone with gender dysphoria, and that gave me this huge feeling of 'identifying as trans would be claiming something i have no right to.'

so i had to think about that a while. i had an epiphany moment (thanks to the barbie movie, of all things) where i had a physical reaction to a thing as if it were an attack directed at me. that was when i realized i may not feel like i have the right, thanks to internalized stuff, to call myself trans--but i feel part of the community whether i say it or not. and even though i don't mind 'she,' anytime my best friend refers to me with 'they' it gives me a little glowy feeling.

so, again, this might not be huge news for all of you. a lot of you have been my friends for years. but it's nice to officially add agender to my 'asexual queer-romantic' breakdown, and mentally expand the umbrella of where i fit, and with who. and it feels like well past time to do it publicly.

[destinyc1020]

Honestly, as a spectator and industry exec in my head, I worry about the two of them being so completely connected with each other as far as their careers. The only two couples I could compare it to is Nicole and Tom Cruise or maybe even Melissa McCarthy and her husband working together a lot. Maybe Emily Blunt and John Krasinski too because I've seen similarly nasty things about them that I have about Tom and Zendaya. I cringe when one of them books something and people automatically ask if the other is going to be in it. That's not how most actor couples work. They may do something together, but it's sporadic. They already kind of did sporadic when you already have the Spider-man trilogy.

But I've said time and time again, they've had ample opportunity to try to separate a bit. But they both keep taking it up a level. On top of that, they both pay professionals to manage and consult on their images. If they or their advisors thought their whole thing was a huge problem they would have stopped or done something differently a long time ago. They literally have to cross continents to stay together. It would have been so easy for them to be doing something different. We both know they care deeply about their images. Both of them have said so multiple times, but here they are.

Fans need to just accept that Tom and Zendaya are Sonny and Cher (i.e. basically MARRIED lol), and enjoy it lol. 😅🤣

If they didn't want to be together or linked together, then they wouldn't...period. OBVIOUSLY they do, so..... 🤷🏾‍♀️

I don't see the problem? I think it's cute.

Many Hollywood couples have been this way, and I've listed several.

They obviously see themselves as married in their heads lol. They have worked together several times before. Maybe they (*gasp!*) actually LIKE working with each other?? Gee...imagine that... 🤔

You all are in here squabbling about minor things about them on the internet, and meanwhile, Tom and Zendaya are over here building a Tomdaya EMPIRE in Hollywood rotfl. 🤣

[jerzwriter]

Celebrate

Thank you to @brycesgirl for the suggestion: Ethan, Kaycee, celebration from this ask. (I don't know litg, so I hope this works!) As always, I ignored the 100-word thing, but it's under 1,000 and that's huge for me! lol I hope you enjoy it.

Book: Open Heart (Post-Series) Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Kaycee MacClennan) Featuring: Tobias Carrick Rating: Teen Words: 869 Summary: Ethan isn't happy when Tobias announces he's leaving on a WHO mission. Kaycee humorously helps him understand why while getting a little payback to boot. In the end, is there anything to celebrate? A/N: Participating in @choicesseptemberchallenge2023 Day 22 Friendship

“Oh, these are perfect!” Kaycee beamed as the balloon bouquet was delivered to the diagnostic team’s office. “He’ll love this!”

Ethan looked up from behind his desk and grumbled something unintelligible under his breath. Ignoring his lack of enthusiasm, Kaycee continued arranging decorations.

“You know, if you start feigning the slightest bit of excitement now, Tobias might actually believe you’re being supportive when he arrives.”

“You’re wrong,” Ethan deadpanned. “If anyone could see right through me, it would be him.”

Noting Kaycee’s raised eyebrow, he quickly corrected himself. “Next to you, of course... dear.”

“Fair attempt at a save,” she grinned. “I don’t understand why you aren’t happy for him. Being selected for this mission is a big honor and a phenomenal opportunity... not just for him, but for the team and Edenbrook, too. The positive media coverage alone has been helpful, and he hasn’t even left yet.”

“Mmmm,” he replied, barely paying attention.

“Oh, I see,” she replied sarcastically. “We’re only supposed to be enthusiastic about WHO missions if the person is using the trip because they’re too much of a wuss to face the feelings they’re developing for the love of their life. I understand now.”

It worked. She had his attention.

“Wait... what? That’s not the only reason I went on that mission!”

“Only,” she smiled triumphantly. “So, are you finally admitting that was one of the reasons?”

He could argue and try to make his point, but he merely smiled with a shake of his head.

“I’m never going to live that down, am I?”

“Hey, I accepted your proposal twice,” she winked. “I’ve obviously let it go, but I will be ribbing you for the rest of your life, so...”

“Fair enough,” he grinned.

“But Ethan, honestly, why aren’t you being more supportive of Tobias? He’ll never admit it, but it would mean so much to him.”

“Because it’s six months. That is too long to be away from the team.”

“Says who? Harper and Baz both agreed to pick up cases, and we have the new fellow beginning next month. We will be more than able to handle our caseload. Otherwise, administration wouldn’t have approved this.”

“So we have to bring a new fellow up to speed down one permanent member?”

“Dr. Ramsey, are you saying we can’t survive without Dr. Carrick?”

“What! No! Of course not!”

“Then what are you saying, my love?”

He didn’t appreciate the condescending tone, no matter how adorable she looked delivering it. But that wasn’t what was eating at him; it was his inability to come up with an answer as to what had been nagging at him ever since Tobias made his announcement.

“It’s OK, you know,” she whispered.

“What is?”

“To admit that you’re doing to miss him.”

“I did not say I’m going to miss him!”

“Of course you will!” Kaycee insisted. “There aren’t that many people who find your curmudgeonly demeanor endearing, and now one of them will be on the other side of the world for half a year... just when you’ve gotten used to having a buddy to watch Red Sox games with again.”

Ethan inhaled deeply as he leaned back, acceptance reluctantly settling in.

“I suppose I will miss the ass.”

“See!” Casey beamed. “It kind of sucks when someone you care about just takes off on a WHO mission. Of course, Tobias told us about his, but...”

“Are you finished?” Ethan interrupted.

Happy to know she hit her mark, Kaycee sat on Ethan’s lap in a fit of giggles.

“I am,” she replied with a quick peck on his cheek. “It’s OK, baby. I already talked to Bryce. He promised to make some time for you while Tobias is away.”

“You what?”

“Hush, hon. It didn’t cost me that much; you can thank me later. For now, I need you to help me set up the room. Breakfast will be arriving any minute, and I want everything to be set up before Tobias arrives.”

“Too late for that,” a voice chimed from the door.

“Tobias!” Kaycee yelled. “Why the hell are you early! I wanted this to be a surprise celebration!”

“Oh, it’s a surprise, all right,” he jeered as Ethan sighed uncomfortably.

“How much of that conversation did you hear?”

“Enough,” Tobias grinned. “Admit it, man... you love me.”

“I’ll admit no such thing!”

“Ethan....” Tobias chided, when Kaycee stepped in.

“Tobias, really? It took him how long to admit he loves me, and I do some things for him that you just... don’t.”

“Oh, for Christ’s sake,” Ethan spat as two of the people most dear to him chuckled at his expense.

“It’s OK,” Tobias said with a pat on his friend’s shoulder. “I know the truth now. So, you need help with the decorations?”

“For your celebration?” Kaycee mocked.

“Hey, if he’s not gonna help.”

Ethan stood up with a huff. “Sit down and shut up, Carrick. I’ve got this.”

Tobias quickly claimed Ethan’s seat, placing his feet up on his desk. “Man, I’m feeling the love.”

“I didn’t really plan for this,” Kaycee laughed, pointing to Ethan decorating as Tobias hogged up his seat.

“Gotta give it to you, kid,” Tobias grinned. “You really know how to celebrate.”

@choicesficwriterscreations @openheartfanfics

Tagging others separately.

[dean-winchester-is-a-warrior]

Only the Strong Survive Ch. 7

Series Summary: Lexie Weston is in a terrible, abusive marriage. In her mind and soul, she feels like she has no way out that won't result in her death. But something changes in her life to make her take the risk. Can she rely on Sheriff Beau Arlen to protect her like he said he would, or will this risk lead to ruin?

Pairings: Beau Arlen x OFC (eventual)

Series Warnings/Explicit 18+: Smut, Angst, Fluff throughout. A pretty slow burn, TW: Abusive marriage, Domestic abuse will be talked about throughout. Chapter warnings will be more specific

Word Count: 3,329

Chapter Summary: Y/N wants to explore the connection she feels to Beau, but will that sever it?

Chapter Warnings: None. Kissing.

A/N: K, so the next chapter definitely came out faster than the last. Lol! The momentum feels good on the series, I think I might ACTUALLY finish it sooner than the end of February if I don't stall out. Wish me luck! And as always if you enjoy the series/chapter, please comment and/or reblog. It makes a HUGE difference in keeping that momentum going.

Hope you enjoy Ch. 7!

The beautiful divider at the bottom was created by @saradika

The night was cold now, and Lexi pulled her heavy coat tighter around her. She could hear people laughing and talking, saying their farewells as they packed up and put out the bonfire. She knew she needed to go too, the school bus would be headed back to Haven House very soon. But she just wanted to breathe it all in a bit longer.

“So.” Beau said as he walked up beside her. “What do you think? Did we manage to throw you a decent graduation party?”

She looked at him and was struck anew at how incredibly beautiful he was. She smiled shyly and sighed deeply, looking back out at the mountains surrounding them, purple in the darkness. She gazed up at the full moon and shook her head.

“I think…I think this might be the, the best time I’ve ever had.”

She looked up at Beau and saw his slight befuddlement. She shrugged and looked away. “I was just thinking about…” She trailed off, and wondered whether Beau actually wanted to hear any of this. But when she snuck another glance at him, his eyes were curious and encouraging. That look, of interest and consideration, was one of the things that made his eyes so incredibly beautiful. 

So she carried on.

“The reason I dropped out of high school was, well…my dad - he drank a lot. He was…I think he was a good man, had a good heart, but he was just…I don’t know, lost I guess. My mom, she died when I was really little. I don’t remember her at all, but…” She smiled sadly. “He did, and I think it just kind of ate at him you know. I mean, I know he…he loved me and I loved him too. But, he couldn’t take care of me, couldn’t take care of himself. So, someone had to…” She gave a brief resigned laugh.  “Someone had to buy the milk, pay the electric bill, you know. So, I dropped out, started working.”

The wind kicked up a bit and blew a curl over her forehead and she tucked it back behind her ear before continuing. “But, I mean, I really liked school. So leaving…” She stopped to glance at Beau again and his smile was soft and understanding. “Well, it sucked.”

Beau nodded. “I bet.” He said quietly.

Lexi shrugged. “And I…I know my GED, it’s not the same as graduating, but…” She started to duck her head, but instead she caught herself and raised her chin. “I guess, I feel…I don’t know, I guess - I’m proud of myself.”

She wanted to immediately take back the words, but she told herself that she wouldn’t. She meant what she said.

Beau’s smile was blinding. “Oh, sweetheart, you should be proud of yourself. What you’ve accomplished…” He shook his head. “Not only with getting your diploma, but just everything. You deserve to feel incredibly proud.”

His praise was a lot for Lexi to take. She loved it, and felt it spread warm and happy through her heart, but she had to look away from him, looking back up at the moon instead.

“Anyway,” she shrugged again. “I was just standing here thinking, ‘When was the last time I felt like this?’ and I realized…I don’t ever remember feeling like this. Which is probably pathetic. But…I think…my whole life I’ve been just…surviving, you know. And now…I feel like I’m living, I feel like tonight was the start of that.”

She crossed her arms, suddenly feeling a bit embarrassed with her wordy confession. “Does that make sense?”

Beau nodded. “It makes perfect sense, yes. And I’m so glad for you.”

From over by the bus, Sarah called for Lexi. Lexi waved back and gave a thumbs up to show she heard. 

“Well, anyway I guess I should…” She thumbed towards the group waiting on her. 

“Right.” Beau took a step back, but Lexi stopped him.

“Wait, I was wondering…would you do me a big favor?”

“Sure.” Beau answered immediately.

“It’s not really, like, a professional thing, or…well, it’s a personal favor.” Lexi cautioned him. “So, please feel free to say no. I’ll completely understand.”

Beau gave a chuckle and shook his head. “What do you need?”

Lexi bit her lip and watched Beau’s eyes dart to her mouth. Something in his gaze made her core muscle clench and she had to look at the ground and take in a deep breath before she could continue.

“I have a um, appointment tomorrow…it’s my sonogram appointment.” She glanced at him with an excited expression. “I finally get to see the baby. But…I don’t wanna - I don’t wanna go alone.”

She dipped her head in the direction of the bus. “And Cicely has an appointment with her case worker, so…would you consider going with me?”

Beau hesitated a moment, and Lexi panicked and reassured him. “Seriously, it’s a lot to ask, so if you can’t do it -”

But Beau interrupted her. “Of course, happy to. What time?”

Lexi let out a breath. “It’s at one.”

“Okay, I’ll pick you up.”

Sarah honked the bus horn and Lexi waved and turned towards the bus before turning back quickly and impulsively throwing her arms around Beau’s neck to give him a hug. He hugged her back, and it occurred to her how perfect it felt to be held by him. She didn’t want to let go.

But she knew everyone was waiting, so she smiled at him shyly one more time before walking quickly towards the bus, wondering how long the warm and inviting scent of his cologne would linger on her coat.

***

“Alexandria Weston?”

Lexi looked up at the young woman in mint green scrubs and nodded. She hoped the name change papers went through soon. 

Beau stood up with her and placed his hand on her lower back, guiding her towards the swinging door where the nurse waited patiently. The feeling of his touch, warm and reassuring, made some of the nervousness in her belly fade away, while causing a new kind of fluttering throughout her body.

Oh boy.

They entered a small room, slightly crowded with a table and equipment. The nurse took some basic information from Lexi before helping her up onto the table.

“The technician will be in shortly.” She smiled and left them alone in the cramped room. 

Beau looked around and smiled. “This brings back memories.” He caught Lexi’s eye and winked. “Really good ones. I’ll never forget the way it felt to see Em for the first time.” He reached over and squeezed her hand. “I’m happy to be here with you for this.”

Lexi felt her eyes get inexplicably moist and she beamed at him. “I’m so grateful.”

Before Beau could respond, the technician entered with a bright smile. “Good afternoon. My name is Helena. How’s everyone feeling today?” She said as she shut the door behind her. 

“Good.” Lexi and Beau said in unison.

Helena pulled the machine forward and pulled her stool up close to the table. Beau shifted around to Lexi’s other side, so he wasn’t in the way. But he picked up her hand again and Lexi squeezed it tightly, nervous despite her excitement.

“Alright folks!” The bubbly tech said, “Ready to meet your baby?”

“Oh, uh…” Lexi started to correct her, worried it would embarrass Beau to be mistaken for the father, but he squeezed her hand again, and gave a little shake of his head and a wink, letting her know it didn’t matter to him.

“Yeah,” he answered Helena, “we’re ready.”

Lexi felt her heart squeeze, imagining for just a minute how much simpler and happier her life would be if it was the truth. But before she could get too lost in wishful thinking, Helena pushed up her t-shirt to squirt out some cold jelly onto her stomach.

“Ooh!” Lexi exclaimed. “That’s cold.”

Helena smiled. “Yeah, I know. Sorry.” She pushed the wand around through the jelly, watching the screen.

Lexi shook her head and was going to tell her it was fine, but suddenly there was a sound like a freight train and Lexi gasped. 

“Is that…”

“Your baby’s heartbeat.” Helena smiled as she moved the wand a little lower and the sound intensified.

“Oh my god.” Lexi’s voice was barely a breath. She stared raptly at the screen trying to make out the image. Clearly having done this many times, Helena began to explain.

“Here is your baby’s head.” She smoothed her finger over a tiny round silhouette on the screen, before continuing on. “And here is their spine, and down over the bum. And here you can see their limbs and we can even make out their fingers and toes.” She smiled at Lexi. “They’re waving at us.”

Tears were falling unchecked down Lexi’s face. A feeling like nothing she’d ever known swept over her and she felt pure joy and astounding fear in exactly equal measure. 

“Oh,” Helena said with a smile. “Of course, we caution that we can never be one hundred percent certain, but do you want to know the sex?”

Lexi’s stomach dipped. “Yes.” She said immediately, anticipation rampant in her mind.

“Well, folks, it looks like you are going to have a bouncing baby boy.”

Lexi couldn’t process her own feelings and her mind raced from one thought to the next, there was a bit of panic setting in as everything felt suddenly very real in a way it simply hadn’t until that moment. All of a sudden the abstract future looked very distinct. Her son had a face in her mind, he was a mischievous toddler running away from her at the park, he was a chubby baby with a toothy smile and tiny fingers, he was a teenage boy slouching in his chair, he was a little boy with a splinter who was crying for her, he was a man hugging her goodbye as he left for college.

In the span of thirty seconds her son’s entire life spun through her mind and the panic grew. How could she possibly do this? She wasn’t capable of this, she was going to screw him up somehow, she was going to -

Suddenly both of Beau’s big hands closed over the one he held and he held it tighter. He spoke to Helena.

“How's the little guy doin’? Everything look good?”

Helena nodded. “Yes, he looks fabulous. Everything is developing normally, he's a good, healthy size, he's great.”

Beau raised Lexi's knuckles to his lips and pressed a kiss there. “That's because of you.” He said softly. “Because you've kept him safe and taken such good care of him. You should be proud of that too.”

Lexi looked up into Beau's face and a wave of tenderness and gratitude washed over her as his green eyes sparkled down at her. How had he known just what to say? How did he know what she was thinking, how she’d been panicking at the magnitude of feeling sweeping through her? He was…incredible.

“Thank you.” She said simply, but what she meant was, “Thank you for saving me yet again.”

***

“I don’t wanna go back to the station yet.” Beau said as he was pulling out of the clinic parking lot. “What do you say we stop for ice cream? There’s an amazing place, Suzie’s Sundaes, they’ve got a million flavors.”

Lexi smiled mischievously. “You should know better than to tempt a pregnant woman with ice cream.”

Beau chuckled. “Suzie’s it is.”

After getting their ice cream, a scoop of Coffee Praline for Beau and one of Cookie Dough for Lexi, Beau nodded his head towards the park across the street.

“Wanna walk?”

Lexi nodded. “I’d love to.” 

As they crossed the street, Beau put his free hand on her lower back again, safeguarding her as they crossed, and there was something in the gesture that made Lexi want to bat her eyes and giggle like a schoolgirl. There was just something about Beau that tended to make her head spin. 

It had been like this, almost from the beginning she admitted now, but until Cicely had brought it up, she’d been doing a great job at pretending the feelings didn't exist. But now those thoughts and emotions just wouldn’t go away. She’d never felt this way about anyone. Not ever. 

Given her history, she was surprised by how little the feelings scared her. She was nervous, only because she wasn’t sure that Cicely was right about Beau’s feelings towards her, and she was aware of the awful timing of it all. But fear didn’t enter in.

She had no fear where Beau was concerned. Her therapist at Haven House had spoken with her about what to lookout for in future relationships - red flags, she’d called them. But with Beau, there were no red flags; it was all green.

They wandered through the park for a while, both enjoying their ice cream and the scent of spring in the air. Eventually, Beau took her hand and pulled her off the beaten path. 

“There’s a nice little bridge with some benches and trees over this way.”

Warmth spread up her arm from where he clasped her fingers, and when she sat down beside him on the bench, she was sorry that he let go.

“So, how are you doing?” He asked and Lexi shrugged.

“I’m good. I mean…I must admit that I’m a little nervous. I don’t…I don’t know how I’m gonna raise a son. How can I…teach him to shave? Or to pee standing up? And what happens when he hits puberty?” 

Beau chuckled. “Well, puberty’s more than a decade off, so you’ve got some time to study. And the peeing thing just sort of comes naturally.” 

He grinned at her and Lexi laughed. “Well, good.” She was quiet for a minute, scooping up a spoonful of ice cream. She swallowed and cleared her throat before voicing her biggest and only real fear.

“How do I raise him to…not be him? What if I can’t do it?” Her voice was soft. Was she allowed to admit that fear - that she was terrified of raising another Simon? She glanced at Beau, wondering if she’d see judgment there. But she should have known better. 

He just nodded, his gaze sympathetic and understanding. “Babies aren’t born…evil, Lex. They’re just born needing us. You just have to love him, unconditionally, and unendingly.”

Lexi nodded. “I’m just so afraid of doing it wrong.”

Beau smiled at her and moved a bit closer on the bench. “Wanna hear my great secrets of parenthood?”

Lexi sighed. “God, yes.”

With a chuckle, he continued. “Well, I think kids need two things to thrive and be happy.  Boundaries and respect.” He shrugged a broad shoulder. “Kids crave boundaries. They need to know what’s allowed and what’s not. It makes them feel safe. And they also deserve our respect. We should respect their boundaries too, and respect their intelligence by not talking down to them, or ignoring their thoughts and opinions. Even when they're really little, they wanna be heard and they want to know they matter.”

He shrugged again. “Can’t go wrong if you stick with those two pillars.” He smiled softly. “And fill it all in with lots and lots of love.”

Lexi had tears in her eyes and she blinked them away, staring at him, a little bit in awe. She shook her head. “Is that how your parents raised you? Is that how you turned out like this?”

Beau laughed warmly. “Well, they don’t deserve all the blame for how I turned out, but yeah, basically. A big part of who I am now is the foundation I was given. But, you know, they were also parents in the 80s and 90s, so…they weren’t perfect. Gentle parenting was definitely not a thing.”

Lexi laughed with him and then put her hand on his where it rested in his lap. “Well, whatever they did, it worked wonders.” She bit her bottom lip. “I’ve never known a better man than you.”

Beau breathed in deeply through his nose, his chest expanding as Lexi moved closer. His hand twitched beneath hers and she entwined her fingers with his. She looked down at their joined hands and then up at Beau. His eyes caught on her lips again for a moment, and then he turned his head away.

“Lexi,” he started and then seemed to stall.

He caught her gaze again as she shifted even closer, and his eyes were warm with want. 

She lifted her hand to trail her fingers down his jaw, the silky feel of his beard making her sigh. 

“Kiss me?” She asked softly as she looked at his mouth and craved the feel of it on her own.

“Lexi.” He said again, but this time it was full of caution.

She shook her head, her expression questioning. “Do you not want to?”

A rough laugh burst out of him and he put his hand on top of hers where it rested on his cheek. “That’s really not the problem.”

Lexi shrugged. “Then there really is no problem.”

She smiled at him and saw the moment he caved. His face lost its worry and left behind only passion as his mouth descended on hers. Beau’s lips were silky and plump as he brushed them gently against hers. The first touch made her gasp; the second made her moan softly and dart her tongue out to taste his full bottom lip. 

The action made Beau grunt, taking his hand off of hers and pushing it into her hair. He opened his mouth and caught her next moan on his tongue as he slipped it inside. He tangled it up with hers, tasting and teasing her as he sipped at her lips. He moved both hands to her cheeks and tilted her head so he could delve deeper.

She’d never been kissed like this, never felt like this. She was completely consumed in mere moments, completely lost in the way his mouth moved on hers, the way his rough palms felt against her skin. She wanted so much more; the kiss wasn’t slaking her thirst for him, it was increasing it, making her desperate for more.

Finally though, Beau wrenched his mouth from hers with a sucking noise that sounded obscene and made Lexi shiver. His warm breath fanned her cheek as touched his forehead to hers. 

“Oh sweetheart.” He said on an exhale. “We can’t do this.” He corrected himself. “I mean, I can’t do this. It’s wrong.”

Lexi was still breathless. “Is it?” She asked. “Why?”

Beau pulled further back, dropping his hands from her, and shook his head. “You know why. I’d be taking advantage of you.”

“Would you? I thought I was the one who asked for the kiss.”

Beau gave her a look. “Lexi.” He said again, the caution back in his tone, “You’re vulnerable right now, and it’s an asshole move to take advantage of that.”

“Really? Cause I think I’m stronger than I’ve ever been in my life right now.”

“That’s not what I mean…it’s just…” He shook his head again and stood up, putting even more distance between them. “I never should have let this happen. I’m sorry.”

Lexi began to feel embarrassment slipping in and she stood up too, waving her hand dismissively. 

“Hey look, it’s no big deal. We don’t have to make it into more than it was okay?” She patted his forearm. “Let’s just say it was a nice afternoon and leave it at that.” She gave him another smile and she hoped it looked more believable than it felt. 

“Lex I- “ Beau began, but she shook her head and started walking away.

“No, we’re good.”

Despite the distance she’d put between them, she still heard him curse quietly as he followed. She hoped the curse wasn’t directed towards her, and hoped the kiss hadn’t just ruined something beautiful between them.

1 - Jensen RPF + Any/All characters Jensen plays. @lyarr24 @deans-spinster-witch @impalaslytherin @maggiegirl17 @akshi8278 @candy-coated-misery0731 @deanswaywardgirl @slytherinlyn314 @globetrotter28 @jensensgirl @perpetualabsurdity @tristanrosspada-ackles @djs8891 @muhahaha303 @kayyay1219 @emily-winchester @recoveringpastaaddict @maximumkillshot @mimaria420 @sacriceria @envyaurora95 @lacilou @jc-winchester @spnwoman @mimi-luvzyu @jackles010378 @mayafatimakhan

3 - Any/All Fics (regardless of fandom/character.) @kazsrm67 @sexyvixen7 @alexxavicry @nancymcl @spalady26 @slut-for-evans-stan

4 - Everything (includes fan vid/DOOL edits as well) @unabashed-lover-of-fictional-men @maliburenee @supernatural4life2022 @spn730015 @kickingitwithkirk @waywardbaby @foxyjwls007 @deanwanddamons @deandreamernp @deanwithscissors @myloversgone @snowlovespie @leigh70 @all-alone-he-turns-to-stone @charred-angelwings @hopefuldreamers-world @jensensgotyoudean @thoughts-and-funnies @magssteenkamp @princessmisery666 @eevvvaa @mishkatelwarriorgoddess @waynes-multiverse @mrsjenniferwinchester @bernasaurus @jensenslady79 @courtn92 @avanatural @ellie-andthemachine @this-is-me19 @roseblue373 @katbratsupernaturalwhore @fanfic-n-tabulous @k-slla @stoneyggirl2

[imnotgrimimjustagrumpyreaper]

Dukeceit (because I have to be real, that's all that's on this list) Fanfic recs.

This is Grim's favorite Dukeceit fic ,to ring in the new year. A disclaimer, I am well aware that all of these are WILDLY popular, and don't need my help, but you know what? I love them, and I wanna talk about them. One thing you're gonna learn about me REAL quick is that I love a silly little AU lol.

For All the Sacred Selfless Days. 

A university AU with Remus and Janus as professors. Remus’s coworkers keep trying to set him up on blind dates, and seeing as how he’s demi-romantic, he’s really not down for that. So, he asks his long suffering best friend, Janus, to help him out. To fake date him, at least until the big party to welcome all the newly tenured professors…Only problem is, Janus, actually is, just a bit in love with his best friend. 

(For All the Sacred Selfless Days is LEGIT probably in my top three fics of all time for any fandom, all the fics in this series are great, but this is the one that really sticks with me. I can honestly say it's been a HUGE inspiration in my own writing intentionally and unintentionally.) 

Persistent Ghosts (Sing of Home).

Based on Steven King’s “Misery,” Janus is kidnapped. In this deeply sad and grounded depiction of grief and all the forms it takes, everyone thinks he’s dead, and struggles with moving on from him being dead. He’s not dead, he comes home, and in the next chapter…Everyone struggles to move on from him being “Dead.”

(I honest to god forget this one exists, sometimes because I’m careful not to over read it, so that when I do go back and reread it, I can experience it like new. This is one of those extremely well crafted fics that makes you question your life, your sanity. It never fails to make me cry. I love this fic so fucking much, it’s just so well written, man. Side note, just re-read this. THIS is the reason why there is a reference to Misery in TMDORG. This is why Janus wants to be an author, this is the reason -I- realized I want to be an author FUCKKIN HELL MANNN). 

Punch Drunk (On Your Human Touch).

Set in a soulmate-verse turned cyberpunk dystopia where there’s an upper city, and a lower one, you follow Janus, who runs his business by knowing things about people in both. He’s been caught, and brought to a bar by someone who he knows nothing about: The Duke, a crime lord. “So, tell me, snakes and wires, what makes you human?” 

(THEY HAVE TEETH IN THIS ONE. I love a good soft fic where characters are soft as much as the next guy but WHOOOO BOY. I LOVE IT WHEN THEY HAVE TEETH AND SHARP EDGES. The world building in this is INSANE. The amount that’s introduced and how it all weaves together makes my head spin. I think about it constantly.)

SO THERE YOU HAVE IT. Grim's favorite dukeceit fics, because I'm back on my bullshit. Read them, if you haven't, and here's to all the new fics of the new year!

[wandaluvstacos]

dragon saddle design

i hate that people don't think deeply about dragon saddles cuz I certainly have. I hate that people are like "oh you just put a horse saddle on a dragon." WRONG. A horse cannot fly at 2000 feet in the sky, fly vertically down or up, or do a barrel roll. If they do, you're dead. like damn my horse stepped in a hole at a walk and I fell off, and that was only a fall of about 5 feet. A dragon saddle needs to look more like a roller coaster ride harness. These things are actually designed to keep you on no matter what.

I know people like the look of horse saddles but this shit will get you murdered instantly

at least this saddle kinda makes it hard to fall off backwards or forwards

Personally if I were designing one, the key features would be:

Laying down design: The wind you'll get at cruising heights when you're sitting up will be significant and uncomfortable. Also, if you're riding that thing for hours, it makes sense to lay down cuz you can also take a nap (if you don't need to be steering). Also, it's much easier to stay on a wobbling monster in the sky when you're laying down on your stomach than if you're sitting straight. ALSO, if the dragon is not horse-sized, you cannot straddle it unless you know how to do the splits.

Like when I saw this I thought: oh you are falling off IMMEDIATELY

2. YOU NEED TO BELTED THE FUCK IN. I'm talking straps, straps, and more straps. Failsafes for your failsafes. Think of rockclimbing harnesses. Shit that will keep you on that dragon no matter what.

3. Something rigid to brace against. For this I think of how side saddles work, in that you've got two cups for your thighs for support.

I'm thinking something like this, but something you can wedge yourself under so that when your dragon does a barrell roll, you aren't getting thrown around. Again, think of how the bars work on a roller coaster.

I think it's worth considering how the saddle is connected to the dragon. It takes significant strength to buckle a girth on a horse. Dragons are much bigger than horses, so to buckle a girth even three times the size of one on a horse would be a huge chore. You also need more failsafes. Girths come loose on horses sometimes. This is something you DON'T want happening in the sky. I'm thinking multiple straps with multiple smaller buckles, as well as a second harness that attaches you to the actual dragon and not the saddle.

Lastly, I do see bits used on dragons and I think it's a bad idea. Bits only work on horses because they have a huge gap between their molars and front teeth, and nothing is sharp. This wouldn't work on a dog, cat, or anything that has a consistent row of teeth. They'd end up just constantly biting the metal. Also, dragons spit fire! That bit would get melted so fast!

I think a much better idea is to use a bullring.

These are a rather quick installation on a young calf, and because they work on sensitive, soft tissues, they're much more responsive than trying to steer via the horns or neck or face. If you've got a 3000 lb dragon, there's NO FUCKING WAY you are controlling that thing with a regular halter and reins unless you've got a mindlink or something. A bullring takes care of that issues, and they look bad ass anyway.

Also, I know this is AI garbage but anything that requires you to sit IN FRONT of the wings is just... not going to work lol. No one rides a horse on top of their shoulders. You ride behind the shoulder for a reason (so you don't immediately fall over their head every time they stop)

[saccharinenectarine123]

also! i just read run rabbit run (amazing btw) and i was wondering if u would be willing to go more into detail about what happened between lando and oscar post brazil ‘24…

ik we already got a huge paragraph about it but i’m greedy and in love with ur story

i feel like there’s so much potential for rough and rancid and ‘kind of reluctant to take it all out on oscar but not really’ lando, and super-fucking-into-it oscar lol

Aw thanks so much Anonie <3 So glad that you loved it! It was a joy to write so I'm so glad it's a joy to read.

Strap yourself in, this is a long one. You actually opened pandora's box fr:

This short scene was verryy fun to write for me because it was also one of the strongest plot glimpses into this vibe about oscar that simmered underneath his whole character but really came into its own over the course of chapter 3.

Oscar in run rabbit run had such a streak of ruthlessness. It was something that was so endemic to him that he almost wouldn't even be able to pin it down and name it on his own. It just is part of who he is, down to his very core. I feel he would just say 'i'm ambitious' or 'hardworking' or 'willing to do what it takes'. But to actually distill it down to the word 'ruthless' instead of dancing around it...if someone pointed it out to him, he would pause for a second and absolutely own it (i see him reacting exactly like in the gif I linked to). But it's a funny little blindspot his character has. He's just oscar (and oscar just so happens to be unrepentantly ruthless).

In saying all that, post Brazil, I had such a clear idea in my head that the race was absolutely atrocious for lando. Maybe he crashed out 2 laps from the end from his own mistake. Or someone crashed into him. Or maybe he had to DNF very early and spent the rest of the race watching oscar in an interesting role reversal from chapter 1. But either way, the race was awful and he was pissed and having to do media through gritted teeth as journalists were rude and snipey and doing everything to provoke a delicious sound bite out of him. It made him furious.

So coming off that, oscar would have guessed, or taken one look at lando e.g. in the media pen and clocked exactly how pissed lando was (the glint in his eyes, tension around his mouth, the stiff line of his back, the way his hands were twitching as if he wanted to wrap them around some dickhead journalist's throat etc). More to the point, oscar would have immediately known exactly how to best "stress relieve" lando (to his best advantage).

By that point, oscar knows a few things about lando: (1) lando deeply enjoys being in control (and this is where the dom/sub dynamics come in), (2) lando is feeling a severe lack of control, because his race went tits up and (3) lando is very careful with oscar in bed (a soft!dom with him, if you will).

So I have a few ideas of what oscar would have done but, considering the time constraints (as they only have like 20 mins before team debrief), oscar would have brushed up against lando in passing in the media pen and whispered something along the lines of "I'll be waiting in my driver room if you want to fuck out that tension". He's not really offering lando sex, as much as he's offering lando control. That's what's really intoxicating to lando. And oscar knows it, and is willing to exploit it.

So now lando's horny (but really, seduced by the offer of being able to exercise control in a d/s dynamic) on top of being very pissed off and he stalks down the corridor into oscar's driver room (and I have this very clear image of him stalking the halls like a predator and ignoring anyone who tries to talk to him). Oscar's waiting naked on his knees for lando. He's a very good boy for him.

Lando obviously takes him up on his offer and they end up fucking but oscar can feel that lando is holding himself back because he's still worried about genuinely hurting oscar. Oscar's frustrated because he's 80% sure he can take what lando needs to dish out (and the spare 20% is inconsequential, he'll make it work if it breaks him) and the whole point was to get lando to get his top/dom kick out of the situation PLUS release tension, but it's only happening at like 40%.

So he probably tries goading lando (which doesn't work, that just gets him pressed face down into a pillow to muffle his words, or fingers stuffed in his mouth to gag him). So he tries a different tactic: he uses his submission. He starts moaning and pushing back so sweetly, stroking lando's ego by telling him how good he feels, and starts begging for more (along the lines of "please, please, harder, lando, i need it, more") and that's what finally works. lando finally fucks him as hard as he needs. stress relieved ;)

Oscar does all of this for a few reasons but the most compelling one for me is that he wants to give lando something that he can only get from oscar. A heady, intoxicating mix of control, sexual release and a safe haven from shitty race. Oscar is willing to do anything he can to make lando as obsessed with him as possible. He'll use anything to achieve it. He'll pavlov bell lando into loving shitty races because he'll know that oscar will be waiting for him at the other end, open and willing and accepting.

FYI all of the above are things I didn't want to go into too explicitly in this story (and especially that very short scene) because I loved that there was a levity to it. I wanted it to be more 'fun and freaky' than 'darkly obsessive'. I wanted the darkness to more creep up when you thought about it a little too hard. A little 'wait a damn minute' around the smut and the lols. The most overt bits came from the allusions and metaphors e.g. how oscar thought about their relationship - the fleeting idea he was a frog being happily vivisected, lando kissing him with a mouth stained with the blood of his slain best friend, that oscar was michaelangelo painting the sistine chapel with his raw fingertips and absolutely loving it. These little psycho glimpses of his true thoughts - and again, his core ruthlessness that he doesn't really notice but just is.

Maybe I'll explore obsession and control in more overtly darker fics as these concepts fascinate me.

(Side note: on point (3) above, there's backstory that's very interesting to me, in that lando is not ordinarily a soft!dom. I very easily see him being quite harsh and uncaring of the people he usually sleeps with. He would see them as quite disposable, essentially just cheap sex toys for his pleasure, to be discarded and replaced on the regular.

But there's something about oscar that compels him to be softer in bed...Oscar is his teammate so there are possible professional repercussions if he really hurts him. They also have a mutual friend in max f, and max f would 100% give lando a *look* if lando was horrid to oscar and say something along the lines that lando 'is better than that, and if not, maybe he should be better than that'. That would stick with lando for a long time. Maybe it's the fact that oscar's an extremely inexperienced virgin (and lando hasn't slept with someone like that in forever). Virginity is a construct etc but he'll still have a feeling of being handed something precious, like a piece of handmade, fine crystal art...upon holding it in his hands and gazing upon its beauty, he finds his hands want to cradle instead of destroy. It's a softer side of him that would only come out around his very closest loved ones...maybe just max f and his mum.

There's also something deeply compelling about the fact that lando knows oscar has been utterly obsessed with him for years, and would swallow any bs lando gave him and beg for another crumb. In the face of true utter devotion, lando would surprise himself by also being benevolent. At the end of the day, I think he just deeply, violently needs to be loved and adored by the close people around him, and oscar gives him everything he has, and has done, for years. Lando absolutely lovedddd that oscar was commenting and liking on all his shit from when he was 14 onwards. It tickles him. Here is someone who can actually prove he adores him. It's also the fact that oscar didn't go running away from him when he actually got to know lando in real life, in fact, he scooched in even closer and closer at every opportunity and matched his freak at every turn.

I actually think if lando wasn't a soft!dom their relationship would have had to be very toxic and painful and I wasn't in the mood to write anything too achy lol. I wanted surprising sweetness and to keep the fic lighter and fun!)

[daphdarling]

Hi! I was wondering if I could get a mha (male character) matchup? Maybe someone from Class 1A? ૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა

Personality: I like to think that, under my introvert exterior, I’m a sweet person with a good sense of humor. Although I’m incredibly shy at first, once I’m able to open up, I tend to be very goofy and chatty. I’ve had a few people say they’re surprised by how “consistently clever and funny” I am. I have trouble making friends and, therefore, don’t have many, but I’m fiercely loyal and deeply cherish the friends I am able to make. I’ve also been told that I’m very “wise/ mature” and my friends often come to me for advice or to have meaningful conversations. This is partly why I’m horrible at small/surface level talk lol. I’m also a big people pleaser and that can sometimes affect relationships. I’m a homebody, but I do enjoy going out if I’m with the right people or on a personal mission. Though I prefer the term passionate, I tend to be hyper fixative. It doesn’t take much for me to get locked onto an idea or activity. Because of this, others sometimes consider my interests to be a bit intense. I would say that I’m a pretty sensitive/emotional person as well. I certainly have no trouble crying over silly things and find myself overthinking often. I consider this to be both a strength and weakness lol. Though I’ve been dealt some nasty cards in life, I like to think that I’ve got a good head on my shoulders and a positive outlook on things!

Interests: I’m a huge girly girl. I love all things pink and cute. My fashion sense is probs best described as “coquette” and “kawaii.” I guess you could say that I’ve made the color pink my whole personality lol. I’m also very hygiene oriented so I really value things like skincare and makeup. Some say I’m a hoarder, I say I’m a dragon collecting treasure. I collect all kinds of things: trinkets, Sonny Angels, physical media, photocards, etc. I’m very OCD about my material possessions though. Everything has a specific place in my room and I make sure things stay very clean. Obviously I’m an anime enjoyer. I’ve been watching anime for around a decade now. Not only that, but I’m also a big k-pop fan and keep up with a couple groups. I’m just a big music listener in general and have quite a few bands/artists that are very important to me. I’m also a Studio Ghibli fan and tend to enjoy most Japanese media. I consider myself to be a big animal lover. I actually have a rabbit! He’s my pride and joy. But, otherwise, I’m a huge marine life nerd. Though I’m a bit scared of the ocean, I’m fascinated by the creatures in it. Some other franchises I’m interested in are Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and Sanrio (My Melody is my favorite).

Hobbies: I love to read and write, but I’m also incredibly crafty. I enjoy spending my time cross-stitching, drawing, and picking up new skills. I’m just a pretty creative person overall. I also greatly enjoy shopping. I’m not a huge spender, but I love walking around my favorite shops and occasionally picking out something I like. I’m good at cleaning, cooking, and baking (certified housewife over here lol). I don’t know if this can be considered a hobby but I’m a big daydreamer. I love to come up with new ideas and watch them take shape in my mind. I’m careful not to lose track of reality though.

Type: I guess you could say that I prefer traditionally masculine men that can take on a guiding and protective role. I suppose you could call the type of men I lean towards more “dominant.” Ultimately, I enjoy people that are a contrast to me, but compliment me. I just want to be babied and doted on lol.

Thanks for doing this! I’m sorry it got so long… did I mention that I’m an over-sharer? But seriously, thanks so much! ଘ(੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭* ♡‧₊˚

YOUR MATCHUP IS…

KATSUKI BAKUGOU!!!

Personality Match:

Bakugo is known for his fiery and explosive personality, often coming off as abrasive. However, beneath that tough exterior, he’s fiercely loyal and deeply cares for his friends. Your sensitivity and emotional depth could balance well with his intensity. He might initially challenge you, but your cleverness and humor could draw out his softer side over time.

Romantic Connection:

While Bakugo can be brash, he also appreciates genuine connections. Your sweet and goofy nature would likely surprise him and draw him in, allowing for a unique dynamic where you both grow together. He may not express his feelings openly, but his protective nature would resonate with your desire for someone who can take on a guiding role.

Hobbies and Activities:

You both have creative interests, albeit in different ways. While you enjoy crafting and daydreaming, Bakugo channels his creativity into training and honing his Quirk. Engaging in activities like cooking together or even cross-stitching with some playful banter could be fun, as long as it’s a shared experience. You could also share your interests in anime and music, allowing him to slowly open up about his own passions.

Looks and Vibes:

Bakugo’s rugged and fiery appearance contrasts nicely with your coquette and kawaii style. Your vibrant pinks and cute aesthetic could complement his intense persona, creating a visually striking pair. There’s something intriguing about the juxtaposition, with his explosive energy balancing your gentle charm.

Final Thoughts:

This matchup has the potential for a deep and meaningful relationship. Your emotional maturity and ability to have profound conversations could provide a safe space for Bakugo to express himself. While there might be challenges due to your contrasting personalities, your loyalty and his protective instincts would form a strong bond. Embracing each other’s differences could lead to a beautifully dynamic connection.

[rigginsstreet]

Tell me your personal thoughts on Heather being headcanoned as lesbian VS bisexual.

i am a bisexual!heather truther and no one will ever convince me otherwise

i am bisexual, so she is too

her hardcore crushing on billy cannot be ignored. i refuse to let it be ignored. this aspect of their relationship is very important to me not just because it shows she was attracted to him, but because it shows she actually cares about him (shower scene). heather is the only character shown to care about billy pre-possession. she had a genuine interest in his wellbeing and yes that doesnt strictly equate to romantic feelings but to ME this all ties together. also, i like the aspect of her having a crush on him, but hes gay, and they maintain a friendship without it ever being awkward (billy never lets her forget how she wanted him so so bad this is also a key point of their relationship)

i like the parallel with stobin. except heather wears bisexuality better than steve i refuse to let that man be my only representation in that foursome

lesbian!heather headcanons just rub me the wrong way. theres this trend in fandom where female characters just are not allowed to be attracted to men that i do not like. its either make the character a lesbian, or you say shes bisexual (or the character is canonically bisexual) but dont ever let her date a man! cant let her be attracted to men! only women! reads very biphobic to me and i dont care for that one bit!

i have more to say about her canonically liking billy lol ok so that one scene where shes by the picnic table and some guy is next to her (they could just be talking to each other but i got the impression there couldve been some flirting), in my head its a situation heather finds herself in often; guys want to flirt with her, be with her, have her attention. and heather loves having attention on her, relishes in it. makes everyone come to her. which adds more to the fact that shes the one pursuing billy. do i think heathers a huge flirt? yes. do i think shes putting effort like that in with everyone? no.

billy and heather competing over guys. another deeply important headcanon to me. they play wingman to each other just as much as they fight tooth and nail to get a guy in their bed. its a sport. its fun (until one of them loses and then its like 3 days no speaking. its a whole thing)

heather makes guys come to her (unless shes REALLY into someone, then she has no problems making the first move). with girls, she generally pursues them only because hawkins is a small town with no out gay people and she's gonna die of old age waiting around for someone to figure out shes into chicks too and she does not have the patience for that okay. plus shes known for being a flirt anyway so if she goes for a girl who happens to be straight her come ons are subtle enough that they just chalk it up to "heather being heather"

[golbrocklovely]

Not SnC related, but what are your thoughts on Matt Rife? Last I checked, Sam still followed him on IG 🤷🏼‍♀️

matt rife is a very interesting person lol

i never really saw him blow up on tiktok (or at least on my fyp) but i had heard about him and some of the thirst edits that had been shared about him. and i knew overall that a lot of ppl, women mostly, found him hot.

what i find the most fascinating about him is how much of a case study he really is for confidence and how important that can be to the success or downfall of a person.

(this became so long i'm sorry lol)

so idk if it's true that he got surgery done to make his face look more manly. i know he admitted to the veneers, i believe, but they wouldn't have changed up his face that much. so... i'm gonna believe the possible filler allegations lol

i think one of the reasons why things kinda fell off for him is bc he wasn't confident in himself whatsoever, and then like most men who feel like shit, he took it out on women.

bc let me tell you a little something about myself: i have been plus size my entire life. came out the womb with thunder thighs. not even joking about that. for years, and i mean years, i legit thought if i could just be skinny, i'll be happy. if i could just look like what ppl want me to look like, i'll feel better about myself. and it took til i was about 25ish to finally realize being skinny was NEVER gonna make me magically like myself. i had lost weight before, 40 pounds one time, 60 pounds another. but it never made me like myself. sure, i guess i felt better in the moment. but the quiet would set back in, and i would go back to shitting on myself.

losing weight and getting down to the "correct" size was never going to happen. i was never gonna be satisfied. bc at the end of the day, i still hated myself. i still deeply thought i was ugly. i could lose 100s of pounds and still think i wasn't good enough. not to mention, i wanted to be known for more than just my weight. i was a whole person, regardless of my size.

and i think matt kinda had a similar thing happen.

i think he always had an issue with himself, his face particularly. and while, yeah - plenty of ppl thought he was kinda funny - he wasn't conventionally attractive (in his own eyes and to others). so he felt like no one cared about him. so he figured, if i could just get hot, ppl will care about me and my comedy.

but the exact opposite happened. he changed up his face, got it to match the portrait in his mind of what he "deserved" to look like, but he never worked on himself internally. he never fixed the broken parts of himself. so when suddenly, all of these women are giving him attention - it almost proved the little voice in the back of his head "see, all they did care about was my looks. i got held back in life bc i was ugly". even tho reality is, that's not what happened. he felt like shit about himself, ppl don't naturally gravitate towards unconfident ppl. if you don't like yourself, a lot of ppl will take advantage of that. that's just life.

and not only was that little voice proven "right", all anyone could talk about anymore was his looks (tho he also played a huge role in that). when all he wanted was to be known for was his comedy. but he thought the reason he wasn't succeeding was bc of his looks.

when in actuality, he just... wasn't funny. or really, wasn't as funny as he thought he was.

this all being said, if he actually worked on himself internally, he wouldn't have gotten himself into this mess. do i think he's funny? eh, i guess. but like any man, him make "women kitchen = funny" jokes really puts a damper on the a, being funny aspect he takes pride in and b, being attractive. i feel like a lot of men don't realize how quickly they self sabotage their own happiness by HATING ON THE GENDER THEY ARE ATTRACTED TO.

and sam following him... honestly, i wouldn't be surprised if he only follows him bc matt is friends with elton and they're all on somewhat decent terms again.

quick note to matt: hating on astrology is really dumb, coming from the dude that has gone ghost hunting and believes. babe, you might think i'm weird bc i believe in planets and their alignment meaning something, but you're scared of something that isn't even tangible.... at least i know the planets actually fucking exist.

(i also believe in ghosts, but at least i don't pretend to be on a high horse about it)

also talking about a partner's nether regions and saying how they are unattractive to you IS CRAZY when i know dicks 9 times out of 10 literally look like shriveled up limp mini hot dogs.......... you have a lot of room to be talking, my guy.

[ge]

There's something I'm conflicted about about Tang Bo, because I learned about him through fanarts, but the ones I saw at the time were ones where he looked so feminine that I actually thought he was a woman, and I was happy about it because I like badass ladies (the two we have are nice, but it hits differently when the character is more like an equal).

And though I love Tang Bo as he is, I'm kind of disappointed that we didn't get more female characters, which led me to start writing my own fic out of spite with a female Tang Bo and try to explore the implications of him being a woman while being... Well, a dark saint.

But since changing Tang Bo's sex is a controversial take, and my intention is to explore the character of being a woman in the Tang family and the restrictions that came with it, so I tried to write them out of a hetero normative dynamic. 

Now I have this mix of an asexual but demiromantic-in-denial Chung Myung and an androgynous/lady Oscar-like Tang Bo (usually passing as a man) who sees marriage as something entirely political but loves Chung Myung so deeply while they're trying to figure out what weird thing they have between them during the end of the war against the demonic cult. Mostly doing some character study and world-building.

But I'm dealing with a massive writer's block, and I felt like asking if it's a concept worth exploring or maybe moving to a different type of story and scrapping the female Tang Bo concept.

Ugh, perhaps I should try to write the one shot with the aphrodisiac plot. Or if you have some plot ideas, I would write them. I just want to write, but I'm losing motivation because I'm unable to make any real progress.

Anyway, I'm sorry to bother you with this, but you're like the TangChung main account, so I thought I could have some insight about this ship that's been consuming my mind and care.

hmm its an interesting concept i suppose and i understand the want for more interesting and equal in terms of power/strength female characters but i wont lie when i say im probably not the best person to ask about this concept specifically since im biased and dont like genderbending a gay couple to make them straight, no matter how subversive you are with the tropes u use in their now cis hetero relationship.. if ur really interested in pursuing writing this idea and want my opinion on it, i dont have anything else to say about it unfortunately

as for any other fic topic, the aphrodisiac idea was funny and would make for a humourous fic id definitely read..! i am unfortunately sacked out on any other fic ideas LOL i put my cards all in w tang bo returns/lives aus and i cant really think of anything else that might be rattling around in my head atm hmmm..

tang bo lives/returns aus are pretty versatile so im sure something new and unique could be pulled from there & theres also a huge lack of chung mun & chung jin return aus which could be soooo interesting id love to read a fic where chung myung gets his brother(s) back, im also really into those fics where the disciples go back in time to a hundred years previous and meet geomjon chung myung and they become his disciples in that era.. maybe a gen fic of chung myung bonding w the kids or with tang gunak and the other alliance leaders.. etc etc

[nyxzee]

i debated putting this on my art blog but as a point i've been vocal about this shit since it happened and i'm still fucking livid about it all despite how fucking long ago it was. this is going to be linked in my pinned posts so as a heads up, warning for all types of abuse, self harm (including a detailed description), suicidal ideation, suicide attempts, overdose mentions, intense mental health shit, ableist narratives and gore along with mistreatment from the fandom

hi, i'm nyx, this blog used to be called emeridan and my old main was bardofmotherfuck - i was one of the gamzee fans who was sent gore, the wish i kill myself, and other abuse for identifying with gamzee. this wasn't a "oh lol funny clown he's goofy like me" i identify with him due to abuse trauma, due to being an addict and mentally ill. because i was hurt deeply by religion and losing my faith caused me to fall into bad fucking shit. to slightly minor extents i identify due to the friendship and romantic issues he had, fuck gamzee makara even had me, a then 20something realize i was bisexual and nonbinary! to a more intense one i identify with him because his agency was taken away and he was made a slave to other peoples horrific intentions - which isn't fun as i hope you'd imagine. i used to have a tag for the vent art i did involving the makara line (blood, gore, abuse all in this tag as you'd expect someone with severe trauma to have in vent art)

i'm not unique in this. there are a lot of gamzee fans who dealt with this. it was a huge fucking issue, it happened on msparp too, to the extent they posted about it happening because it was so fucking frequent. there are multiple gamzee fans i used to follow on tumblr who were sent the same and worse shit. i'm not mentioning them because even to the ones still into homestuck content, this shit was traumatic. i'm a petty bitch so as a protest i only drew gamzee for a while! (just in case these are the real time posts from my main: 1, 2), i have this account from 2015 here, i have this mentioned again here. this fandom abuse has been established well for me, it started 9 months into my homestuck art centric blog after all!

i'm still here in spite of people wanting me to kill myself. honestly despite being petty and boastful in still being here about it when it happened i wasn't actually feeling like that in real life. shocking i know. i had an intense cutting period due to it, i'm still scared of having my submit open, i still want to vomit whenever i get an email that anyone's sent me anything. i've seriously considered suicide a lotta times because i was so frequently told i was in the wrong, i've still got methods in mind and whenever i take my regular medication for the chronic pain shit i think things would be better if i flat out just took everything and didn't wake up ever again. a lotta it is real life trauma, but i used and still use homestuck (and especially gamzee) to help with that.

i talk about it whenever i see a brief chance to, i just haven't screamed loudly in a while that this abuse happened. i find screaming that i'm hurt exhausting and i'm still pretty sure someone will end up giving me shit - and for what i'm doing in this fucking post i'm damn fucking sure i've painted a target on myself again. but i don't care. i am who i am, i've been through all the shit life has thrown (and continues to throw) at me.

@ardenttheories posted a thing that includes a message i sent on twitter (on anon of course because i was scared) in this post here. blog's inactive, i dunno anything about ardent and that isn't the point of this. i'm just proving i've been here for a long fucking time and i've seen some fucking horrors. the message was one i sent on twitter and it looks like the op has deleted their account so i can't prove this but i think i've shown that this isn't a thing i've pulled outta my ass because i'm one of the bitter old fans who hates the current team and wants to lie to hurt them.

i actually don't know anyone aside from james roach being involved and the fact kate was asked to rejoin the team. this is mentioned here by sarah who, was in fact part of this problem but of course that doesn't matter because gamzee fans are pigshit (no tag because i don't wanna waste anything on that drivel!). here's a casual reminder of what exactly the pigshit comment is referring to.

i don't think the trauma of gamzee fans trumps the trauma the team got. trauma and fandom abuse is bad all round. it's not fun, it's gross and painful and people who send abuse are fucking monsters. however, the team was a big part in sending a giant fuck you to the trauma gamzee fans have gotten. that's what the problem is here, that's what this whole post has been leading to. i'm not writing this as a call to cancel homestuck^2 - i'm writing this because i want some acknowledgement on what happened to us. as i said, i'm still here despite the abuse, hopes i'd kill myself and the want to kill myself so i'm making a point of saying something.

the issues in the fandom of team members didn't start with the hs^2 team, it had a nice jumpstart from shelby cragg. i refuse to link any of the accounts who have posted accounts of this as i don't want to get people who dealt with her more stress and the only other person who mentions it isn't someone i want to link any traffic towards. google 'shelby cragg gamzee hate' and you'll find it. she used to tag horrific shit on gamzee fans artwork. fans who had in fact, been sent gore and harassment. she used to post about how great abusive ships were, how actual abuse victims (specifically the gamzee fan ones!) should feel about gam/rezi, how stupid gamzee fans were and directly bait and switch gamzee fans who she'd directly told to call her out if she fucked up by telling them they were random people who had no right to call her out. she had an abuse survivor friend so of course, the wrong abuse survivors didn't matter.

her co-authoring the serendipity gospels which while not official canon had become fandom canon. purples and teals of course work together on alternia after they grow up! gamzee was a total abusive nut case whose personality was either lol druggie or abusive monster and terezi was his victim, gamzee was a bunch of things in this fanfic and it's still looked to as the greatest fanfic in fandom history. as anything shelby touched involving gamzee his portrayal in it was racist, ableist and was always abusive in some way to any character he was placed with. i'm not here to talk about the person who wrote it with her or whatever work she's doing now with her non homestuck content. my point is the fanfiction was bad and it became fanon legend.

gamzee fans have been out crying that we have endured severe trauma that made us relate to gamzee. we weren't there for the ableist shit shelby made out of his character. there are different types of fans for his character, but i hope i've made a point that i'm referring to the people like me. the ones who were directly targeted because of our mental illnesses and abuse history. the ones who monsters wanted to kill.

homestuck proper ended on a bad note for gamzee fans. we had no conclusion, we had nothing. in the end after everything we were left with absolutely nothing but people filling in the blanks to say we likely deserved it because we liked this fucking awful clown. we got nothing for what happened to us. we just had to blindly accept we were hated and people wanted us dead for identifying with a fictional character.

then the epilogue's happened. then homestuck^2. then pesterquest. it bought this hate for us back front and center. the team hated us, hated a character who helped us get through shit no one should have had to endure.

like shelby did, they brutalized his character, and i'm damn fucking sure those cunts know what happened to us. we screamed, and screamed and SCREAMED that we were suffering but they boiled it down to "oh they just like that abusive man! let me make him more abusive" - the portrayal of gamzee in the new work is nothing but someone constantly spitting in our faces. the album of the team's string of bullshit should give you an idea on how the rest of this is gonna go.

the epilogue portrayal of gamzee went into the shit we'd had enough already, it turned a character who helped people cope become a gross dystopian version of our fucking abusers!!! the shit we'd endured from the fandom and our real life trauma was the butt of every fucking joke. there was no conclusion to his actual arc in it, there was no happy resolution for us, but there was a shout out to us. we got our moment of acknowledgment! they turned something that had helped real life abuse survivors, mentally ill people, addicts and victims of religious trauma - a fictional character who people wanted us dead over - into our abusers, into the worst things we'd dealt with, into a fucking mockery of our abuse. ALL of our abuse. all of our trauma. all we'd been through.

homestuck^2 did this further. they were parading the mockery of our abuse to the fullest extent they could think to do. i couldn't get past gamzee's death. but i know they've continued to hate us. i know they can't wait for us to end up killing ourselves so they can piss on our graves.

i have a review of pesterquest here, it's not complete. i couldn't finish the game fully. rose's story caused a self harm relapse and a huge hope i'd be brave enough to take the fucking overdose and end it all. i didn't go into how much gamzee's route broke me. i couldn't. i gained something outta it though! my left pinky and index fingers often lose feeling and i'm unable to use them unless i rigorously shake my hand for five minutes because i burnt my arm as badly as i could. i have cigarette burns all over my wrist, it looks like an octopus scarred me with every arm of its on one side and like someone made an attempt to burn down to my bone with something far bigger than a cigarette on the other. it wasn't something other than a cigarette, but it was a few cigarettes in the same spot. it was burning until i snuffed it out, relighting and burning down again until i'd finished the cigarette, lighting another and repeating. i did this until i felt like i'd earned my right to be alive again.

i need you to understand i'm disabled due to severe pain. i have fibromyalgia that was undiagnosed and untreated since i was 15. i'm 30 now. i've been suffering chronic headaches since i was 11. i've had my lip ripped open. i have ganglion cysts that make bending my wrist in the slightest hurt. i tore both rotator cuffs severely 10 years ago, my wrists are hypermobile and hurt constantly. my dominant arm sufferers from tendonitis. my jaw is so fucked i can't open it fully some days and it always makes a horrific pop outta alignment when i yawn. i've spent at least 10 years sleeping on a couch instead of on a bed as i either didn't have a bed or the one i had was so busted it made sleep impossible, as such my back and neck are a fucking nightmare stream of nonstop pain. i have back trauma from a car accident as a kid. i've strangled myself a few times with cords to try numb the pain out, i've been physically abused to the point i nearly died, i've been sexually assaulted multiple times, i've been violently ill from attempted overdoses or allergies. my point is, i know pain. it's the oldest companion i have and i'm tired of having it.

the continued burning i did to myself from that night however, surpassed any of those individual incidents. it eclipsed the regular intense agony i'm in daily for a solid month. the emotional turmoil of a life like mine had led to this. i'd found fiction to hide in, i'd found a character who so perfectly captured all of this trauma, all of this pain, all of this shit i've had to fucking deal with. i've had people try and take him away, i've had monsters try and get me to take the plunge and kill myself. i thought i was largely numb to bad gamzee interpretation and could move past all this hurt. it turns out i wasn't numb and this shit would continue to hurt. but it wasn't just a random ignorant idiot this time round, it was official. it was the team digging my grave and getting ready to throw shit on top of my corpse. that hurts in a unique way.

i don't do homestuck^2 now or ever. i refuse to finish pesterquest. i do my best to ignore the additional trauma the original team was aiming for. i viciously ignore and deny the shit they pull now. i quietly hiss to friends that some disgusting and ignorant cunt said the dumbest fucking shit that makes me want to scream until my vocal cords snap. i see the odd snapshot of what mutilation is happening to a comic that frankly saved my life in so many ways. i don't look in the gamzee tag as someone will have tagged the mutilated hs^2 version in there and that will do nothing but hurt. i don't enjoy being irritated by the snapshots i've seen. i want noting more than a fucking retcon where hs^2 and pesterquest are removed and we were left with the snapchat panels as the finale of homestuck.

in a more petty sense i want a personalized apology from everyone involved in the project, tattoo "i'm a dumb cunt" to their forehead, write an essay as long as homestuck's entire transcript about why they're sorry for what they did. i want the fans who rejoice in the mangled mess that gamzee is in hs^2 to shut the fuck up and delete their blogs. i want the amount of money the kickstarter for hiveswap raised deposited into my paypal account weekly. i want my therapy sessions paid for until i die. i want them to pay for private health care so i can stop physically hurting. what i want is illogical and those are frivolous things off the top of my head. they're stupid and petty and a complete fantasy.

what i really want though, is something that seems like it's a million times more impossible than a weekly deposit of $2485506. i want some fucking acknowledgment of this shit having happened. i've laid out my personal history with this shit, but it's not a personal "here's the essay nyx wrote about how much gamzee hate has fucked them up - it's totally worse than what the homestuck^2 team went through - gamzee hate is a bannable offense as such on every site due to it" that i want. i've burnt down to my bones on how much this shit has hurt me and in truth, i think i'm largely writing this for myself so i can at least say i said something. i wasn't a coward. i stood up and shouted at the void that gamzee fans have been badly abused.

the truth is: i want the abuse gamzee fans went through, the harassment, the gore, the threats and the physical abuse some of us have endured recognized. i'm not trying to overshadow the harassment the team got. but i'm saying the personalized attacks on us were unjustified. the mockery of the abuse we received from real life abusers and the abuse we were sent online for liking gamzee makara. they knew what they were doing. they did it to mock us. they did it to hurt us because we were the wrong kinda victim. we weren't their warped view of the canon and we interpreted, saw, identified, found comfort and loved a character who they disliked. our real life trauma and circumstance wasn't what they saw in gamzee and we had the fucking nerve to see ourselves in a character who can't be replicated in any other media. we were the ones in the wrong. we're the wrong victims. the wrong fans. the pigshit.

i've been writing this for over four hours now and i think i've exhausted how much i can say this stuff. it's been painful and i've ripped myself open to say this all but i think i'm doing the right thing. i'll second guess my way for the rest of my life, i'll overthink everything i do every time because i'm the wrong sorta victim. overall, in a sense i don't care anymore. i'm not numb by any means, i'm not saying i don't care as a bravado this time. i'm saying that i'm not letting you motherfucking cunts put me in the darkest place i've ever fucking been again. i'm not relapsing and losing more use of my hand. i know what kind of people the team are, i know the ignorance and venomous victim blaming and hate in people who hate gamzee fans. over all my final point is this:

it's unfair. why was this shit justifiable. why do we get ignored when we're hurt severely. why don't we matter. why can't our method of coping with homestuck be accepted like everyone else's. why are we the wrong ones. why did we deserve this. why was the fandom abuse towards us a good funny thing.

why the fuck do you hate us so much?