#this is about my friend who i think i might have had a crush on but i'm not entirely sure. and my other friend who was sort of like.
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ㅤHe supposed that made sense and it seemed like Alastor had a very deep connection to Cannibal Town. One that went further than even just being friends with the local Overlord of the area. An interesting fact he was tucking into his back pocket.
ㅤAlthough he didn't think Alastor just frequented Cannibal Town because it was an easy place to get the food he wanted, he didn't know the other spent more time here for the sake of friendship. At an innitial glance, in the time they spent together, he had honestly thought that if Alastor did have friends—it wasn't very many. A fact he could relate to himself, and one that might still be true. Michael knew personally that when you had power? People tended to use you or abuse you for it.
ㅤHe wouldn't doubt that was something the Radio Demon was intimately familiar with either. Espeically with the way some demons seemed to watch him. Lustful, hungry.
ㅤWhen the question turned to being about Heaven it was something he latched onto easily, his posture straightening slightly as he turned his head a bit to glance in Alastor's direction. This was a topic that became more buisnessesque for him, something that was easy for him to ramble information off for.
ㅤ"When it comes to matter of Hell, when things like that are brought to my attention, you can guess it isn't for a purpose of just wondering what your favorite sinner to snack on is." Meaning, he didn't hear about Alastor to see if his radio show was interesting or not. "We, and I mean myself and my brothers obviously, met and voted on if I should kill you or not." It should make sense too. A new sinner? With power? Rapidly gaining more? Taking out some of the strongest overlords in Hell?
ㅤThat sounds like a threat.
ㅤ"I told them to wait, to see what you did with all the power you were claiming. If you went after Lucifer and he didn't kill you? I'd have crushed your soul without a single moment of hesitation. If you just continued killing overlords and sinners? Less work for us. If you tried to go for Heaven? If that was even a possibility? Death." He shrugged, as if he wasn't discussing Alastor's fate that had unknowingly laid in his hands.
ㅤ"Instead, you seemed to settle down, vanished entirely for some time, and I forgot that was even something to think about." Off of his mind that quickly, as if he had never been there.
ㅤ"Now that I've met you personally, I think you're funny. Clearly the entertainment form you have chosen is something you're good at. You have a very lovely voice, one that does work for radio, and a passion for what you do. A talented musician who should do more with that and when it's genuine—a very nice smile. I can see quite easily why people are drawn to you and I think that works for you. Perhaps to well, since I can see it's probably something you've taken advantage of before. How easily you lure people in."
ㅤPausing in his steps he turned to face Alastor fully. "But you could do to let some of those walls down. Since at the same time, as easily as you pull people in, you can push them away too."
"It says you are understanding of the fact that every living thing needs to eat in some way, shape, or form. And given that you brought the thing to life, it's your responsibility to feed it, regardless of what it requires to do so."
Easy as. Though he could not say much about what it meant for Michael to linger in Hell for longer than was strictly necessary. If his goal was to 'learn', then surely, he was learning quite a bit that he could take back. Had he not come to the conclusion yet that there was something worth saving rather than subjecting both realms to some manner of war?
Deeper than he wanted to go at the moment, head tilting slightly towards the other as he continued to walk at an even pace.
"Cannibal Town is one of the first places I discovered when I arrived in Hell," he stated matter-of-factly. "I think there is a camaraderie there that is hard to find elsewhere in the Pentagram. Consuming flesh is still a taboo in many places - so it makes more sense for individuals who engage in it to stick together. From there - and with Rosie's leadership - they've formed quite the community amongst themselves." And he an honorary member among them.
That Heaven had heard of him, however, was somewhat interesting. And not something that he had considered before, his ear flicking as he spared a sidelong glance down at Michael. He did not divert from his course, though he said nothing as the other continued, casual when he finally did speak, though there was a tenor of seriousness in his formerly casual tone.
"I am flattered."
As if he did not have a large enough target on him.
Briefly, his mind flitted to his mother. A practical Mother Teresa in her day - there was no question that she must have been in Heaven. Maybe not as anyone significant - not even a known individual. But she was there.
What he wouldn't give...
Alastor's claws gave a twitch, but otherwise, the thoughts remained secured in his head.
"And what did you think of me then versus what you think of me now?"
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I had this idea last night and it’s been eating away at me since:
Childhood best friend!Simon who left when he joined the military. Cbf!Simon who, after finding his family murdered, disappears again -or so you think. Simon, who spends every night he’s in town at your place while you sleep. Who sees that you kept his old jumper, the one he gave you before he left. He sees how you hold it and cuddle it, holding it to your nose as if hoping it still smelled like him after all these years. He can’t give you a new one, but he can make this one smell like him again. When you’re out buying groceries, so much more often than usual, it seems, he takes the jumper and rubs in against himself; his armpits, the back of his neck, and then, against his cock and balls as the scent of you fills his nose.
You seem to sleep better that night.
Other things start to change too. He now starts to touch you as you sleep. Just brushing his hands against your hair. Feather-light touches that are almost impossible to feel.
He does darker things too. You are, thankfully, single. And he makes sure you stay that way. Your nice lotion gets an extra load of five of protein. Your blind dates mysteriously stop texting you back. You’re getting /frustrated/ which leads to a night with your vibe and dildo (much smaller than his, Simon notes. He’ll have to change that). Your little moans and whines make it almost impossible for him to not barge into your room and take you. But Simon Riley is nothing if not patient. When you finally fall asleep, one hand still clutching your dildo, he sneaks out.
Two weeks later, a mysterious package is at your door from a secret admirer. You don’t even notice the “clone a Willy” printed on the bottom of the silicone toy. What you do notice is how big it is and how much you want it to ruin your holes. You set to work right away, opening yourself up. Getting so frustrated that it doesn’t fully fit. All the while your secret admirer watches from your closet.
And when he does finally lay claim to you? It’s all roses and apologies.
He knocks on your door after a particularly grueling mission, bouquet of your favorite flowers and a teddy bear in hand.
“Simon?” You say, shock coloring your voice. “My Simon?”
“‘Ello, lovie,” he replies. Sheepishly smiling, he holds out the gifts.
“This is real? You’re really here?” You ask grabbing the flowers and teddy.
“‘M here,” he says, scared you might reject him after all this time. Not that it matters, but it would still hurt.
You drop the gifts and he braces for the rejection. What he didn’t plan on, was you wrapping your arms around him and sobbing into his chest. “Si, I missed you so much.” He leads you into your flat, you don’t wonder how he knows where your room is. He sits you on your bed and holds you while you cry.
He’s a perfect gentleman for the first few months of dating and rekindling your friendship. It’s not until you tell him one night after a few drinks too many, “you know, Si? I had the biggest crush on you when we were kids.”
“Did you now, lovie?”
“Still do,” you confess, eyes strangely clear despite the alcohol.
He doesn’t think when he finally kisses you. Falling into bed with you is easier than breathing.
Your breath hitches as you feel that familiar stretch when he enters you. But you don’t think about it. You don’t think what it means when he hits every spot that your secret admirer’s gift reaches.
Now he has you. And now he’s not letting go.
♠️
I’m clawing the fucking floor my scent kink has not recovered jeowkdkfoekskdkrkkwlfk
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ciel & sebastian w/ servant!reader around ciel's age ✧・゚
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Hello! My writing blog was always meant to be multifandom, but recently I have had many twst requests. To keep up with my personal interests, here is a Kuroshitsuji/Black Butler post about my childhood bias/crush (when I was 11-12): Ciel Phantomhive.
While this post is tagged Sebastian x Reader, their relationship is platonic in this particular work because of the reader's design.
Please note that while requests are open, they will not be posted until after the 27th of December or more accurately into the new year (January 2025). Feel free to request anything within the parameters of my rules, but keep this scheduling fact in mind! Thank you!
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Summary: [Name] is a recent addition to the Phantomhive Staff, gathered by Sebastian and Ciel. They are around Ciel's age and this leads to some... shenanigans.
TW/CW: canon-typical darkness, manga compliant
Notes: pre-relationship (Ciel), explicitly platonic (Sebastian), the reader is human, the reader is 12-13 years old, they/them pronouns for the reader, take place explicitly pre-Campania
Guest Stars: Phantomhive Staff, Elizabeth Midford (mentioned)
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Ciel Phantomhive
Ciel is initially indifferent to [Name] similar to his feelings toward his other servants about half of the time (even Sebastian).
He doesn't see himself as a child so does it matter?
He honestly tries to avoid [Name] at first because he wants to be seen as an equal to the adults. Baldo commenting to "play" with his "friend" really doesn't help the early stages of the relationship.
Being persistent but not forceful will work well.
[Name] needs to prove their worth and use in the household.
[Name] will quickly prove themselves with "clean-up."
They will kill in the name of Earl Phantomhive.
Ciel notices their willingness to serve.
He admires their dedication to protecting him/the estate.
He is impressed if they do not hesitate to strike.
The more he realizes their use and loyalty, the more likely he is to speak to them or even allow [Name] to speak freely with him.
He doesn't like when Sebastian teases him for it, though.
Sebastian might be the biggest obstacle.
If Ciel feels that [Name] is being overbearing, they get sent to spend time with Finny (16) who is also relatively close in age to them. Though Finny is similar to a child brother at times.
Once they are closer, Ciel may become a bit irritable if [Name] gives Finny too much attention or coddling.
"He needs to act his own age."
Ciel cannot do anything about any possible feelings.
[Name] hesitates to do anything either.
They both understand the betrothal between Elizabeth and Ciel.
Finny had given them a suggestion that they weren't sure what to do with. Was it a good idea? No. Was it a curious one? Yes, indeed. They wanted to know what the master's response would be, but they feared it would only be anger for their disrespect. Still... tempting.
[Name] considered their options as they helped Finny in the garden.
"Do you really think that would be a good idea?" they asked him.
Finny nodded as he attempted to gently weed the garden. The last time Finny did this he ripped out some important plants and Sebastian had been ready to skin him. Since that happened, and after the events of last night's clean-up, maintenance was needed and Sebastian chose [Name] as "Finny Watch."
[Name] accepted it as it was.
"I think it would do the young master some good to have a friend his age who calls him by name! He doesn't have any friends..."
Finny seemed sad about it. [Name] wondered why Finny did not try to be a "friend" to their master, but Finny seemed to sense their curiosity. He shook his head.
"It can't be me, I'm older than the young master for one," he explained, "And the young master doesn't think of me like that."
"And he thinks of me as a friend?" [Name] chose to ask.
Finny nodded.
"I can tell he thinks differently of you!"
The gardener beamed at them and they didn't want to crush whatever whimsy and joy this was giving him. They sighed and gave in, knowing they wouldn't hear the end of it otherwise, especially after Finny told Baldo and Mey-Rin about it.
"I'll try and see," they agreed.
[SEVERAL HOURS LATER]
At the end of the day, Sebastian asked [Name] to report to the young master directly about their supervision of Finny and the state of the estate's gardens. [Name] walked into the room and bowed to their lord, nodding to Sebastian a moment after.
"Good evening," they spoke, not making eye contact with either.
"Good evening, [Name]," Ciel greeted, taking a sip of his tea as he watched them, "I trust you kept Finny under control?"
[Name] nodded.
"Yes, he took care of replanting and weeding. There were no, ah, plant deaths," they explained in as succinct a way as they could, "We talked as we worked and completed everything Sebastian told us to."
They had to ignore the soft stifled laugh that came from Sebastian when they fumbled for a phrase and chose "plant deaths."
"I see, very good then."
He seemed pleased. The master was in a good mood? Hm. This might be their chance so they took it without hesitation.
"Master, if I may speak freely for a moment?" they asked him
Ciel raised an eyebrow but he nodded slowly after a moment of contemplation.
"You may but whatever about?"
[Name] felt bad for confusing him but it was somewhat refreshing to hear the master speak without that underlying darkness in his tone.
"Finny suggested something to me. I would like to try something," [Name] explained, hoping this wouldn't ruin whatever relationship they did have with the master.
"Something. Very specific," was Ciel's comment, "Go ahead."
Ciel seemed certain [Name] wouldn't hurt him and even if they tried, Sebastian would handle them swiftly like he always did.
"Ah, thank you for your permission... Ciel."
There was a silence that fell over the room as neither child spoke. Ciel was frozen in place, Sebastian seemed to be holding back another laugh, and [Name] was unsure if Finny's theory was true.
A faint hue of pink dusted Ciel's cheeks as he averted his gaze.
"Was," he began, "Was that all you wanted?"
"Yes," [Name] admitted, "I'm sorry, sir."
Ciel was silent once again and [Name] worried they really had crossed a line, but then he spoke again, softer this time.
"It isn't as though I care what you call me when there aren't guests around," he said, waving the hand that wore his family's crest, "Do as you like with the estate's image in mind... I suppose."
[Name] couldn't disguise the smile that took over their features.
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Sebastian Michaelis
To be quite frank, Sebastian thinks children are brats.
He didn't want another child around but it cannot be helped because [Name] is useful for the estate's security.
Despite not liking them at first, Sebastian is always "nice."
He is never without a polite smile, it's a bit unnerving.
As [Name]'s work proves proficient, he eases up.
They make fewer mistakes than the others.
Because of this, they are not so annoying to him.
"Child, you would do best not to hinder my work. But if you would like to lend me your help, you may."
He refers to [Name] more often as "child" or "littlest one."
He means they are the youngest of the servants.
He often lets [Name] off easy with punishment, similar to how he never scolds Tanaka the way he does with Baldo, Mey-Rin, Snake, and Finny.
Sebastian likes to make fun of [Name] and Ciel's similar ages.
He allows [Name] to sit in for Ciel's lessons at times.
In the end, Sebastian might be fond of the human.
Still, he won't say that kind of thing. What use would kind words be from someone like him? He doesn't much care for anyone.
He is bound to his master until the end of their contract.
That is all. Right?
"What in the world are you doing?" Sebastian asked as he came up to them, essentially appearing from thin air.
The young servant jumped at the sudden voice in the silence of the cellar and whipped around to face him, dropping their cleaning rag on the floor in the motion. Noting it was Sebastian, they let out a relieved sigh and bent down to pick up the rag.
"Sebastian! You startled me!" they told him, brows furrowed, "Why do you like to sneak up on me like that?"
Sebastian chuckled softly, a slight smile playing on his lips.
"I don't mean to. Perhaps you are just easily scared, child?"
"I don't think so," they said softly before they moved to continue their task, "And, I'm not done with this task yet. Did you have something else for me to do?"
They couldn't believe they had more work to do now. That was always why Sebastian came to see them, to give them a task someone else had botched or enlist their help with something else entirely.
"I did," the butler told them, "I seem to require your help with a lesson for the young master."
[Name] paused.
"A lesson?" they asked him, giving a skeptical look though they tried their best to mask it, "Would I be expected to come with you now?"
They were unsure if he was telling the truth. Sebastian enjoyed messing with them, just a little. But it was enough to make [Name] wonder every time the butler told them much of anything. They wanted to go to the lesson, though. Learning was... fun.
Sebastian noticed the look, being a demon and all, but said nothing about it. Instead, he simply nodded and smiled at them as he always did to the guests the manor received.
"Indeed. I would need you to accompany me to the study."
They weighed their options. Sebastian was probably not lying.
"Alright," they agreed a moment later, "Do I need to finish this task first? You did give me a list of things to make certain of here."
Sebastian shook his head.
"No, that won't be necessary. I will take care of it."
They almost bowed to him but caught themself. It was hard to treat Sebastian as a butler when he held himself with as much pride as any man would. Still, the one time they had spoken too highly of him, the young master had gotten upset with them (and Sebastian too).
It had been an... ordeal.
"I see. Thank you, then," they told him curtly though they couldn't help but smile.
A lesson! How fun! They wanted to cheer but didn't.
Even if they were only cleaning the room to spectate, it was a chance to learn things. They would learn something and earl was learning! It seemed like a fairly good deal in [Name]'s opinion.
Too focused on rushing to put away their supplies and head toward Ciel's study, they did not see a softer expression adorn the butler's face as he watched them move past him.
Perhaps they would never know his true affection for his littlest one.
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Imagine the rest yourself~
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Thank you for reading! Likes and reblogs are appreciated! Do NOT repost my writing/headcanons as your own >:c Check the top of my blog for the inbox status and read the rules before requesting. This is not a kuro-only blog! ^^
#kiyo cant write kuro#guest starring: phantomhive staff#guest starring: elizabeth midford#ciel phantomhive x reader#fanfiction#writing#my writing#x reader#x you#black butler#black butler x reader#black butler x you#kuroshitsuji x you#kuroshitsuji x reader#kuroshitsuji#sebastian michaelis x reader#writing blog#fanfic#kuroshitsuji headcanons#black butler headcanons#black butler x y/n
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The Best Present
hot cocoa bar celebration🧤❄️🎄
Pairing: Tim Bradford x fem!(implied cop)!reader
Summary: You want to ask Tim to be your date to a Christmas party, but he's going with another woman. When you're caught under the mistletoe together, you give Tim more than a present.
Warnings/Word Count: fluff, brief angst. 1.2k+ words
“Tim!” you call as you exit the locker room. When he stops and turns toward you, you smile and ask, “Can we talk?”
Tim begins to nod but is interrupted by Angela reminding everyone of the Evers-Lopez Christmas party tonight. As she tells the surrounding officers about the gift exchange, food, and fun she and Wesley have planned, your eyes stray to Tim. It has taken over a week to convince yourself it isn’t a terrible idea, and now you’re ready to ask Tim to go with you to the party. Your fingers tap nervously against your hip, though you’re oblivious to Tim’s repeated glances at you.
“Who’s bringing a date?” Angela inquires. “I need to make sure we have enough food.”
“And mistletoe?” Nyla guesses.
“I don’t even know what that is,” Angela deflects. “Dates? Timothy?”
“Yeah, I’m bringing someone,” Tim answers.
Angela’s jaw drops as you and everyone else swing your head to look wide-eyed at him. She had been kidding when she called him out specifically and certainly didn’t expect him to say he had a date. Tim says her name and where they met, but you can’t hear anything over your heart pounding and a week’s worth of doubts swirling.
“You said you wanted to talk?” Tim remembers as the surprise diminishes and people begin leaving the station.
“Yeah…” you answer. “It can wait, though. Enjoy your date.”
You could’ve still asked him or told him the truth of what you wanted to talk about, but it’s easier this way. You’ll be at the same party. Tim with his date and you with what’s left of your Christmas cheer and a heart crushed like peppermint.
Tucked into a corner with one of Lucy’s Christmas cookies, you watch the party from a safe distance. Tim’s date is gorgeous, as you expected, and you fight to keep your attention away from them.
“Hey,” Lucy greets as she approaches your safe haven. You send her a close-lipped smile, and she lays her hand on your shoulder. “What’s up?”
“Nothing worth talking about,” you say. “These cookies are amazing by the way. Peppery ginger snaps, who knew?”
“My aunt. But, seriously, if you decide you want to talk, you know where to find me.”
“I do. Go enjoy the party.”
“As long as you do, too. I’m getting your gift during Dirty Santa and if Tim even thinks about stealing it, I’ll tell Angela about his bad attitude last week.”
“I think I’d like to see that.”
Lucy sends you a heart with her hands, and you finish the last bite of your cookie. Walking through Angela’s house to either get another or throw away your plate (you’ll decide when you get there), you keep your eyes down until your shoulder bumps into someone.
“I’m sorry,” you apologize, looking up.
“You’re on a mission,” Tim muses. “There’s no more cookies, but if you’re nice to Nyla, she might tell you where she’s hiding them.”
“I could just get something else,” you murmur, thinking it would be easier to get someone else, but you want Tim.
“Uh, guys?” Nolan interrupts. “You’re under the mistletoe.”
Tim tips his head back and spots the green leaves hanging sneakily above a doorframe. You shake your head at Nolan, but he waves Angela over despite your protests.
“It’s tradition!” she argues. “You have to!”
“Yes!” Lucy agrees when she realizes where you are. “Kiss!”
Several of your friends cheer, and you shake your head again.
“Don’t be such a Scrooge!” Lucy tells Tim.
“I knew you were going to say that,” Tim complains.
“Tim, you’re here with a date,” you remind him softly.
Tim clicks his tongue, then raises his hands to the sides of your neck and jaw. “We have no choice,” he points out.
You let your eyes flutter shut as you lean in and kiss Tim. The noise of the party fades as you grip Tim’s waist and move with him. When Tim pulls back, you notice that the crowd beside you has dissipated.
“Where’s, uh…” you begin.
“My date?” Tim guesses with a barely contained smile.
“Yeah.”
“She left ten minutes in, decided this wasn’t her scene – her words.”
“How is a Christmas party not someone’s scene?”
Tim shrugs, and you apologize for his bad date.
“It worked out,” Tim replies.
“Gift time!” Angela yells from the living room.
You find a place on a small loveseat by Tim and watch as the white elephant gift exchange begins. After the moment beneath the mistletoe, a feeling of magic lingers within you. You must tell Tim about your feelings for this to go beyond Christmas.
“Don’t get attached to that,” Nolan says as Wesley opens an expensive tool set.
Laying your head on Tim’s shoulder, you don’t feel him freeze beneath you. He watches you laugh with his friends, content in an environment – his environment – when his date couldn’t even tolerate walking past the cookie table. As Tim relaxes, welcoming you into his space, and feels the same warmness he had while kissing you, he unknowingly gives you his heart. You give him yours in return, and it’s the best gift exchange you’ve ever participated in.
Lucy opens your gift and squeals before tucking it under her sweater.
“I’m stealing that, so make it a little easier to get to,” Tim warns her.
“No!” Lucy exclaims. “Angela, Tim yelled at me last week.”
“She can’t save you now,” Tim tells Lucy. “I need that one.”
“Why?” Angela asks, raising her eyebrows as she glances toward you.
“You’re a detective, Lopez, figure it out.”
“Let me give you a ride home?” Tim asks in your ear.
You nod and accept his hand as you stand. After receiving hugs and gifts from a few friends, you follow Tim outside, and a soft white powder falls from above to greet you.
“Is that what I think it is?” Tim whispers.
Extending your hand, you catch some on your fingers and raise it to your nose. “Only if you think it’s powdered sugar.”
“Chen!” Tim barks. “What are you doing?”
“What?” Lucy asks from behind him. “Is that snow?”
“It’s close enough!” Nyla answers.
“Nyla?” you ask, stepping out into the powdered sugar snow. “Wade?!”
Tim follows you onto the walkway. His eyes widen when he sees his watch commander perched on the roof and spreading fake snow through a sieve.
“Act like I’m not here,” James adds, pouring more sugar into his shaker.
Nyla rolls her eyes and looks at Tim to demand, “Just kiss her again and put us out of our misery before New Year’s.”
You don’t have time to question her command before Tim pulls you in. The door clicks closed as you taste the powdered sugar on Tim’s lips, and you smile against him as the fine confectioner’s treat covers your clothing.
“I was going to ask you to come with me,” you admit, leaning your forehead against Tim’s as his arms wrap around your waist. “Like a date.”
“Raincheck for New Year’s Eve?” Tim suggests.
“Will it be like this?”
“I hope not.”
Nyla scoffs, but you kiss Tim in the makeshift winter wonderland rather than replying. You have been in love with Tim Bradford for longer than the duration of this party, but learning that he loves you too is a Christmas present that will never be topped.
#fluentmoviequoter hot cocoa bar🧤❄️🎄#tim bradford x reader#tim bradford fluff#tim bradford the rookie#tim bradford fic#tim bradford imagine#the rookie x reader#the rookie abc#fem!reader#hanna writes✯
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THIS!!!!! I absolutely believe this and it’s 10009% canon in my brain
Roy is objectively an academic (ehm….NERD) so I fully believe that he was so focused on alchemy as a study that he never cared to pursue any relationships before going to Berthold. He might not have even had many friends as a kid either bc of his dedication to the science. I also wouldn’t be suprised if his aunt’s profession left him a bit of an outcast bc kids can be mean and society hates sex workers.
I also believe the age gap made it so he never considered Riza that way. Then he left for the academy and if he ever lost his virginity, it would have been there. However, even at the academy his goals were probably still the only thing he really cared about.
I definitely don’t believe he dated after the war for like a bijilion reasons, including the ones you mentioned.
When his relationship with Riza changed and he was left feeling SUPER confused internally. So if he did lose her virginity to her after they started working together, there would have been a LOT of mental barriers for him to work through to get to that point.
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Now when it comes to Riza I’m a little bit more unsure. I do think that it’s entirely plausible for her to have made it out of the academy a virgin and basically go through the same trauma/arc as Roy. But I also think, like Roy, her best shot at having sex would have been during the academy.
Unlike Roy, though, I think her childhood trauma (neglect, abuse, abandonment, etc) may have pushed her to seek comfort and human connection in whatever way she could get it. ( @lantur explored this idea super well in her Delicate btw) I can see a world in which Riza’s desire for love and affection pushed her to explore her sexuality. After Ishval, though, I doubt she continued any sexual activity.
Once she started to have feelings for Roy (or once her childhood crush came back) there was no one she wanted to have sex with more. For her, finally sleeping with him would have been way easier then I think it was for him.
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And in case anyone is wondering why bother to question the sexual history of blorbos…
I do think it’s worth pointing out that while FMA isn’t sexual in any way, it doesn’t shy away from discussing sexuality as an important part of humanity (ie Lust and Greed).
Plus Roy’s who shtick is being a lazy, himbo, womanizer and it’s canonically proven that 2/3 of that persona is false. I think it’s fair to question if that final third is completely false or just exaggerated. And also the whole part where he grew up around escorts.
Like FMAB doesn’t shy away from opening up a discussion about sexuality as a part of human experience so I think it’s fair to question how the characters in the universe express their sexuality.
Ok hear me out but I can totally see Roy Mustang being a 30 year old virgin
Like we know that he spent at least some of his adolescence in the Hawkeye’s home learning alchemy and I doubt Berthold gave him much free time to cultivate any sort of relationships, except maybe with Riza, but even then she’s four years younger than him so I think their friendship would be limited back then.
Then he goes straight to the military academy where it’s mostly men (I don’t believe we saw any women in the OVA episode and if there were any we can assume there are seperate barracks. We’re also assuming he’s not attracted to men even though I also love and accept bisexual Roy headcanon) and frat laws are enforced so not many options there.
Then it’s straight to Ishval where he gets unbelievably traumatised and comes out so self loathing I doubt he ever even considers the possibility of dating.
Now I hear you say “but he grew up in a brothel!” to which I say EXACTLY! He saw how his aunt and sisters used men’s sexuality as a weakness to exploit and blackmail them, so Roy is very conscious NOT to do that, instead twisting it to make it seem like he’s one of those men when in actuality he’s working with the girls.
Idk how much I actually believe this theory, but it’s definitely plausible. There are also moments where he 10000% had the opportunity to lose his v card (preferably with Riza Hawkeye, who I can very easily make the same argument about) and maybe he took that opportunity, who knows.
He’s also such a nerd I doubt he cared much about dating before the war.
Anyway, regardless I fully believe he’ll never confirm or deny anything, simply to keep the mystery alive.
#fullmetal alchemist#fma#fmab#fullmetal alchemist brotherhood#roy mustang#headcanon#riza hawkeye#Royai
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i wrote. many words. help. 1299. uhhhh
here you go! take some lhsau gay people! (more below the cut)
Jimmy was staring.
He couldn’t help it. Him and Scott were eating lunch, sitting where they normally did in the grass outside the school. Normally, no one else was around, but today some of the other kids were messing about outside. Skizz, BigB. And Tango.
The three were playing some game with sticks on the floor while they ate their lunches. Or at least that was Jimmy’s theory. He couldn’t see very well from where he was. Or maybe he could, if he had actually been paying attention. Instead, he was mesmerized by something else.
Tango was laughing.
And maybe, it wasn’t that normal that Jimmy was distracted so easily by one of his friends laughing. But Tango’s laugh just made him happy. The giant, unapologetic grin that came with it. The mischievous look on his face as he took the pile of sticks Skizz had accumulated.
So maybe Jimmy was staring. Maybe it might’ve seemed weird. But Tango was never just some friend anyway. They were his rancher! One of his best friends. And sure, maybe when the two were squished together on the couch at the Halloween party, and he could feel just how warm Tango was, Jimmy was panicking a little bit, but that didn’t mean—
“Hello? Earth to my wonderful boyfriend?” A hand waived in front of his face.
Jimmy turned to look at his partner. “Huh?”
Scott let out a light laugh and asked, “You haven’t been listening to a single word I’ve said, have you?”
“No, no, I was listening! You were saying, uhm… ah.”
“Uh huh,” Scott responded knowingly, “So, you and Tango, huh?”
“What do you mean?” Jimmy tried to play it off. How was he supposed to tell his boyfriend that he might’ve been crushing on another man? Really, Jimmy wasn’t being a good partner. Being mesmerized by someone else’s laugh. Sure, Tango was great, but Jimmy loved Scott too much to be acting like this. Like a cheater.
“You should ask him out. He’s cute. And a nice guy,” Scott suggested.
Jimmy was flabbergasted. Scott seemed genuine. But what sane person would tell their partner to ask another person out? He must have been joking. Or teasing.
But Scott never did seem sane anyway.
“Yeah, yeah…” Jimmy laughed, playing it off again, treating it as the joke it surely must have been.
“If you don’t ask him out I will,” Scott said deadpan, before seeing the confused look on his boyfriend’s face and continuing, “I’m serious. You ask him out or I will. I’ll get the bragging rights.”
“Wh- But, we’re already dating. What do you mean ‘ask Tango out?’”
“Well. You like Tango, clearly. I’m pretty confident he likes you back. So you should ask him out.”
Jimmy thought he understood now. This must be some sort of test. If he agrees, Scott breaks up with him.
Scott, clearly sensing his discomfort, asked a question with a smile on his face.
“Jimmy, do you know what polyamory is?”
“I think I’ve heard the word,” Jimmy answered, “But I’m not sure what it means. I think Joel said something about polyamory at one point?”
“Joel is definitely polyamorous,” Scott confirmed, “The man has some sort of harem, I swear.”
“What… what is polyamory?”
Scott’s smile widened. “Someone who is polyamorous is basically someone who wants to date multiple people at the same time,” he explained, “I’m polyamorous. I’ve had crushes while in relationships, and while I’ve never ended up dating two people simultaneously, I have considered it. And it seems like you might be, too.”
“Oh,” Jimmy responded, one sound worth a million thoughts and questions, “So… I’m allowed to like both you and Tango?”
“Definitely,” Scott reassured, “Actually, it might simplify things for the two of us a little bit. I love you, Jimmy, and I like Tango, too.”
“Really?” Jimmy said, shocked.
“Mhm,” his partner nodded, “He’s actually really cute.”
Jimmy sighed, “Right?! I swear, he laughs and I just… deflate.”
“Seriously,” Scott laughed.
“So,” Jimmy rerailed the conversation, “I might be… polyamorous?”
“Yes,” Scott said, “And if you want to date other people at the same time as me, I’m fine with it. As long as there is some discussion between us first.”
“Of course,” Jimmy agreed, “And… you can date other people too. That sounds good to me.”
The two were giggling at the awkward tone of Jimmy’s words when they heard an approaching voice.
“Hey guys!” Tango said with cheer, carrying his pile of sticks in his arms, “What are you two lovebirds talkificating about?”
“Oh, I was just explaining the concept of polyamory to Jimmy,” Scott said, with no shame.
“Scott! That was a private conversation!”
“Mhm,” he hummed in faux sympathy. “Anyway, Tango, what have you been up to?”
“Oh, we were gambling with sticks,” they said excitedly, “I won! If you can’t tell.”
“Oh, good job!” Scott began to subtly elbow Jimmy in the side, “What does winning sticks get you anyway?”
“Why, bragging rights of course! Also Skizz is driving me home for a month now. Of course, he would’ve done that anyway, but it’s funnier to say that it’s for the bet.”
“It always is,” Scott agreed, “But I would’ve gambled for something better. Maybe his firstborn.”
“Y- Yeah,” Tango laughed. “Problem is I’m basically Impulse and Skizz’s firstborn, so that would be a bit problematic.”
“Fair point,” they agreed, before turning the conversation in a completely different direction. “Jimmy has a question to ask you.”
“I do?!” Jimmy yelped. Scott looked at him expectantly. “Uhm- right, yeah! Tango, did you ever figure out what problems the math homework was supposed to be?”
“Oh yeah, I think it was—” Tango started to respond, before Scott cut him off.
“That was not the question I meant actually,” they corrected.
“Well, I’ve got no idea what question you do mean, then,” Jimmy lied. He was not asking Tango out. No way.
“Well, I’ll ask it then,” Scott said. “Tango, do you want to go out with me sometime?”
“Scott!” Jimmy shouted, panicked.
“Wh- huh?” Tango stammered, “Aren’t- aren’t you two- datificating? What do you mean? Me going out with you?”
“We are,” Scott said, “But we want to date you, too. Right, Jimmy?”
Jimmy realized they were too far into this to back out without making it worse. “Yeah, we would,” he admitted nervously, “You’re— you’re a really cool guy, Tango, and I didn’t know polyamory was a thing until like five minutes ago, but now that I know I can like you without feeling bad about it because of my relationship with Scott, I think— yeah.”
Tango seemed shocked and flustered.
“And I think you’re cute, too,” Scott flirted shamelessly, “I may not be as close with you as Jimmy is, but I can appreciate a kind and handsome person when I see one.”
Tango was blushing bright red now. Jimmy could almost feel the heat coming off of him. “You guys, you two— datificaters�� want me to date you too?” After receiving two very eager nods, he continued, “I- I’d like that I think. I’ve liked you two for a while now, but I didn’t know if either of you was polyamorous, or if you liked me like that anyway, but if you are, and if you do… I think we could. Do something sometime.”
“Yeah!” Jimmy said excitedly, “We could… uhm. I’m not that great at date ideas.”
“We can figure something out,” Scott said, the bell ringing, signifying the end of lunch, “But for now, can we agree that the three of us can go out together sometime?”
A resounding and excited “Yes” came from his two companions, with wide smiles on their faces, before the three headed their separate ways to class, fantasizing about the date to come.
#mod astoria#milky way writing#milky way lhsau#lhsau writing#astoriagalaxy writing#jimmy solidarity#tangotek#scott smajor#smajor1995#flower ranchers
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I already made my predictions here on the epilogue, but I want to focus on the Yuko Ozawa part since I know some shippers are in panic about it.
Everything I'm about to say is from the POV of someone who did read MHA and been though 431 and someone who does ship ItaFushi. Do I think anyone should agree with me? No. But what I hope what I'm about to say at least ease your panic for the time being.
With that out the way!
Now, I'll reiterate from my other post.
If I were to guess what Yuko's part will be about, I think she may meet Yuji again. It makes sense. However, Gege being unpredictable, I feel like he may not go about making it something "romantic".
If anything, I think he may go the route as to what happened with Hana and Megumi. It's not going anywhere.
A piece of me feels like with this epilogue Yuji and Yuko will have a heart to heart, but Yuko comes out having a new revelation about herself which is to love herself.
If there's one thing about some of the female cast of JJK is that they're unapologetic themselves.
Nobara and Maki are the biggest examples of this. Other examples are Yuki and Uro. Yorozu even is an example as she didn't care what people thought of her.
Miwa may have a little ship tease with Muta, but even that doesn't stop her of being herself. When we do get a bit of her "hiding" herself, it wasn't for a boy. It was because her mother told her to dye her hair black (as it is naturally blue).
Maybe Yuko could get that treatment here and that's why she was chosen. To give closure to her character that allows her to move on.
Again, Gege is unpredictable. I have a feeling that the reveals of the epilogue was to give fans a heads-up and... what is the word I want to use... I can't exactly explain it, but maybe make fans feel like they're getting this possible romance as a "red herring" as to hide that "Actually, no, none of that here".
Think about what happened to Hana (who is no different than Yuko) and Megumi. Most of the story, she was spent crushing on Megumi but that went nowhere.
Thinking about it, when it comes to F/M relationships here, it really doesn't go anywhere romantically.
Miwa and Muta? Muta is dead.
Got a bit of ship tease with Yuki and Choso and guess what? They're both dead.
Nobara deadass states she would never date Yuji (and I'm sure this extends to Megumi, too).
Shoko says Hell would freeze over before she fell in love with either Gojo or Geto. And those two are dead and happy together in the afterlife. 👀
As I mentioned Hana's crush on Megumi? Girl, might as well move on.
Utahime straight up doesn't like Gojo and he's dead now.
Yuta had that childhood romance with Rika and she died and whatever he has with Maki isn't really canon. They're just friends.
Yorozu had a thing for Sukuna, but he was not feeling her at all. And they're both dead now, so...??
See the pattern here? Wouldn't it be odd for Gege to give Yuko and Yuji something explicitly romantic when they haven't done much before?
Out of the four characters, Yuko is one of the most background of background characters (I say that will love before someone comes for me). Nobara, Uraume and Panda all have some involvement with the more active parts of the story. Much like Fumi and Saori was to Nobara and Tsumiki is to Megumi, she was a character part of Yuji's story.
However, what did those other characters have that she didn't?
A close relationship. You know who else was like this to Yuji?
Rin Amai. "But Kiya, he didn't--" Ah! Rin was also someone from Yuji's past that also was affected by Yuji's presence in some way. And he managed to get some bit of closure to his character. He gets this in 270. Rin apologizes to the kid he didn't stand up for and allowed bullies to harass. Despite not getting forgiveness, he still was able to apologize, accept what is done and move on.
Yuko may get this. Last time, she didn't tell Yuji her feelings because she didn't want him to like her for her looks. That's a regret and one time about JJK characters is they don't want to live with regrets. With Yuko, she may need to tell Yuji her feelings so that she can move on from that regret and focus on being her most unapologetic self.
I don't know Gege personally, but I do feel that this could be the case and honestly, I do hope that it is. It would be good for her and yeah, I don't really feel threatened by her presence. I'm going to still ship ItaFushi so...
#i know with gege and horikoshi being buddy buddy people are in panic gege may follow#but 431 ended with a DAP UP! BETWEEN A GUY AND A GIRL! like really think about that#i would not be surprised if that's the case with Yuji and Yuko#they dab up and be like 'alright have a nice life'#just kiya's thoughts#jjk#jujutsu kaisen#jjk spoilers#jjk manga spoilers#itafushi#fushiita#itadori yuji#yuji itadori#ozawa yuko#yuko ozawa#meguyuji
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Lol
#theres nothing quite like your mother saying Well maybe you shouldve been more careful because now your boss might think youve been flirting#with this male coworker (whom i like splendidly as a friend) and now maybe she thinks youre not trustworthy#and maybe she regrets hiring you because you said you feel like youre making a lot of mistakes this week and she might assume thats because#your head is filled with this boy.#so dont make her regret hiring you.#MA'AM I TOLD YOU I WAS ALREADY ANXIOUS BECAUSE I MADE SO MANY MISTAKES TODAY WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME ASHAMED#OF SOMETHING THAT I HONESTLY HAD NO CLUE I OUGHT TO BE ANXIOUS ABOUT AT MY FIRST NEW JOB AFTER IVE GRADUATED????#anyway going to bed i cant take this anymore LOL she said it so lightly and im like. well i never even considered#being afraid of making my boss regret hiring me somehow because of some kind of behaviour that i had no idea was sending some kind of signal#anywaysssss 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#and then she was like why are you crying?? 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀#not to be like this is partly why i didnt want to move home but confound it all why are things like this#can i not simply confide in my mother my anxieties and worriws#worries#and not also have to worry about her potentially being like Well have you considered you ARE right and it IS your fault?#idk man something something firstborn child eldest daughter can i have some room to breathe. please#also not to whine but Not my father walking in on me eating dinner at 10pm because i was holed up#in my room in a semi depressive state after so many gong shows in a work day and straight up having no appetite#but deciding my body needs the food anyway its better late than never.....walking in and then saying#you know if you eat this late you'll gain weight. SIR??????????????????#sorry to complain and rant again i simply cannot in this house and whats more am doing my best to honour my parents#but why is it so hard out here and how can they say stuff like that with a smile!!!!!!!#also i DO have an inner critic who is always like Its your fault you are the worst you should be ashamed always........why do my parents#not understand after knowing me for so long and watching me grow up#that i can make myself so ashamed of the smallest thing so easily and that what they say drives me to shame almost as easily?#ANYWAY LOL WHAT A DAY#you guys!!! i am working so hard i promise i PROMISE I am!!! it is my first full time job ever and i am working so so hard#i am doing my absolute best and no one sees it and that is FINE i just wish my parents would see that i AM trying!!#i come back home so dead every single day because i put in 120%! this is literally my first job after graduation#and my parents KNOW this has been the most exhausting taxing and soul crushing year ive had in my very short life so far
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@katkastrofa, circa 40-ish hours ago: Hey, what if our newest bunch of OCs adopted a baby from one of the other brothel girls who knew she couldn’t afford to raise one? That would make for some fun shenanigans :D
Me, with a notoriously non existent sleep schedule, instinct of self preservation or concern for my poor wrist: Alright, bet. Watch how fast I can make you fall in love with this hypothetical baby >:)
Daneli as a gentle and loving caretaker-turned-adoptive-mother is something that can be So Personal, actually, and originally I was going to leave it at this quick sketch, but then I got carried away thinking about what this child will grow up to be like raised by this little gang of misfits, so…
Here she is!! A little older and so, so beautiful, I need more of her in my life immediately, she’s way too precious
And, because I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t also add a sapphic element to this absolute cinnamon roll, a small crack ship that I’m only half serious about for when she’s a little older still:
All in all, we may be getting impossibly far from canon, but I for one already cannot get enough of sweet darling Kumisai <3
(I fully drew three pieces from scratch in 9 hours I cannot feel my brain or my hands anymore send help)
#my art#artists on tumblr#the legend of korra#original characters#jinora#wow. nia drew a canon character? what is this?? who was I replaced by???#but joking aside. a small explanation for this crack ship#originally it was me editing my timeline and realising that Kumisai would be around 14/15 during book 4. the same age as Jinora#so my mind immediately went 👀👀👀 and I decided to go for it#since in sotrl I sorta implied Jinora had a gay awakening by watching Suiren. so.. why not go all out and make her another baby queer?#no offence to Kai. what they had was rather cute tbh. but it felt kinda out of nowhere and just added for the sake of parental drama#plus she was a young girl meeting someone her age for the first time. of course she got a crush#doesn’t mean she has to stick with it you know?#anyway. as for how they would meet. Midori could introduce them :D#Kumisai is Daneli’s daughter. who’s a friend of Summiya’s. who’s Zaheer’s sister. who’s Midori’s uncle. who’s friends with Jinora#and spirits know Jinora deserves to act her age a little more often. she has way too many responsibilities on her shoulders#so maybe Midori would think that a friend her age would do her some good#and don’t even try to tell me these two wouldn’t be absolutely adorable puppy crushing on each other. look how cute Jinora turned out here#might be the first time I’ve drawn her? not sure. maybe I did before but it was A LONG time ago. 2019 ish#but okay. enough rambling about Jinora. back to Kumisai#I don’t really have too many headcanons about her yet. but she’s probably rather happy and carefree#having a large support system as a result of being raised communally#I think she considers Daneli her mom and the others are her aunties. auntie Shezan in particular is a notoriously bad influence :)#and maybe one day she’d get to meet her bio mom. but only if that’s something both of them want. not sure yet#I feel like she’s rather disconnected from her water tribe heritage since everyone around her is Earth Kingdom. save Phailin who’s half FN#but she still has small hints of blue in her clothing. the colour matching her beautiful eyes. maybe she is curious about her bio dad a bit#since unlike with her bio mom no one knew him and can’t tell her anything. that’s bound to come as a natural curiosity at some point right?#maybe that can be part of her story when she’s an adult. trying to find her bio dad. but ultimately it doesn’t matter that much#because Daneli is her mom and the only parent she needs <3 I’m really just throwing out suggestions here to fill the tag space#kaaatttt come discuss all this stuff with me I waited all night for you to wake up >:) distract me from my grandma’s tv watching
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On today's episode of Holy Shit My Childhood Was Not Normal:
Kurtis Conner being thrown off by the girls'/boys' bibles with the random "Dream Girl" and "Grossology" passages and shit like that in them
#I didn't have that exact one but I had a girls' bible with the lil dream girl passages in them#mine was purple and green#There was a specific one I read over and over because it was about thinking about your best friend#and I thought about my best friend that way#except it wasn't actually in a friend way I flat out just had a crush on them lol#I later went on to id as a lesbian and that specific story made helped me realize it#so maybe that bible was good for something#I'm now a lil bi boy who might be ace but still#Im 21 now actually Im a Man in the U.S. /j#it's just#always so funny watching people remind me that I grew up Not Normally#like I genuinely got so into reading those lil bible dream girl passages#but I also preferred the gross out shit of the boys' one#cause I was one of those cartoon network poop fart joke funny tweenagers#I loved gaming stunts and all things gross or whatever#I wasn't allowed to actually do that because I was a lil lady so I enjoy it now#I tell people I'm going to shit their pants if they don't leave me alone and think I'm the funniest human alive#anyways go watch kurtis's new video about gendered products it's good#ex christian#religious trauma
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Norman headcannons
In life, Norman was good at doing impressions. This carried over into his cyborg/android design with a program that lets him perfect replicate people's voices.
Building off the above point, Norman wasn't originally the one doing the company tapes. That person asked too many questions and thus were needed... elsewhere. Since he already was discreet and okay with all the shady stuff, Norman was put on voiceover detail.
Norman has/had a bird.
Norman having a bird probably works better in an au, but he has this bird, maybe a parrot, maybe a budgie, and it has a yellow head and its wings and chest are the same color. I picture them as pink or purple, but I'm having trouble finding birds with that coloring. When he meets the bird, Andrew/Morris is chuckling because Norman is wearing a jacket that happens to be the same color as the bird's and they look identical.
Just. Let Norman have a pet bird!
Also I have an AU where everyone is alive and in highschool. In that one, Watchful Eye Toys exists as a research company headed by Norman's parents and he is expected to take it over. (I wanted to ramble about this in the tags but I reached the tag limit so I am adding this back here as an extra bullet point.) He gives off heir to a big company and kind of sheltered vibes.
#welcome to Dreamworld#wtdw#welcome to dreamworld Norman#icy babbles#also i hc norman as demi amd pan#i have a storyline in my head where everyone is alive amd they are still in highschool#Sara and Norman start hanging out#amd people atart assuming that they are dating#Sara is like “well he's aesthetically attractions ve amd we get along and im supposed to be dating at this point#so might as well“#or when she was younger and everyone was talking about crushes people asked her who she had a crush on and Sara picked Norman#because i dont have one and people think I should have one so ill have a pretend crush on Norman#but after they agree to be a couple both are waiting for the sparks everyone talks about to happen but they never come#amd neither tells the other that they dont feel anything#then Norman thinks “I think this is the situation where we are supposed to kiss” so he does#and Sara has a panic attack and doesn't know why#so she pushes Norman and runs out#she has a conversation with someone. Right now Dream and I are thinking Celio#and Sara realizes that she is aroace or on the ace spectrum#then she and Norman meet up and have a talk#They stay friends#then after a while of being friends with Andrew Norman starts getting feelings#and he is so confused#he vents to Sara about this and Sara is like “welcome to the aspec club”#also around the time Sara and Norman started dating#Wiatt and Andrew are having an adventure where they find an underfed shapeshifter#Andrew's parents work at a vet clinic so Andrew helps with the animal healing and Wiatt helps with the magic#(shinanigans with this universe's Litho cause this Au's Wiatt to have trauma and magic capabilities to help a creature that feeds on magic)#and by the end Wiatt amd Andrew have shared custody of a shapeshifting scrimblo they name Oddity#because i love the idea that Amdrew and Wiatt have joint custody over Oddity like two dads on an amicable divorce and Oddity gets two houses
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I cared. I still do. I still think of you and I still cry over you. You were importat to me. You still are.
#I was interested. I wanted to get to know you.#I did not want validation. I only said it because you said it... I don't know why. I was susceptible.#I was blindly accepting certain things that you said about me. Judgement that you had for me.#I was under severe stress from my job at the time; while at the same time dealing with unresolved emotional trauma and very low self worth.#vent#I was burnt out. Crushed... Completely.#I didn't want attention. I did not want you to cure my depression. I though I was just letting you know me. I wasn't aware I was oversharin#I tried... SO HARD to get over the things that triggered me and hurt me but I just couldn't...#I wanted to. I did everything in my might; I took it to therapy; I looked everywhere within me; to either get over it#or completely forget about you and stop caring at all; so things were ok and normal again; but it didn't go away...#I just feel so... unsafe... at the idea of talking again#I know I wasn't the best listener and I profoundly regret that.#I was not only thinking about myself like you said and I was aware of the effort that other's put; but I was afraid/resistant to PRECISELY#that cause of past events with other people. Because in some I was the one putting that effort and ended badly for me. Looking back#that was inappropiate of you because you felt too comfortable generalizing my past relationships and why in your head they failed.#“I cant help but feel you are looking down on people who” Stay away from me if you ever make a stretch like this again.#By “experiment” I meant that you don't know how a relatioship with somebody is gonna turn out until you go and try. That's all I meant.#I didn't want things to turn out this way. I'm sorry they did.#The effort I put for you may have been shit to you. But to me it was a lot. And I'm done taking judgement.#Altho I love my friends I still keep distance. I still can't completely help that. I can go months not talking to my BF.#You were my BF during my teenage years. I remembered you fondly. I still do.#I don't feel ready to talk again having to keep to myself interest that I might have. Related to trauma. I do not feel comfortable with tha#No I do not look at your blogs.#The day I said I was abused I had a panic attack right after that. That's mainly why I had to cut contact: I didn't want another one.#I didn't tell you because I didn't trust you to not say “talk to the void” again. I didn't trust you to want to hear about it. I didnt feel#safe with you anymore. Event tho we ressumed contact I felt that way the entire time.#I wanted to answer all the questions you had; I really did; until I couldn't stand it anymore.#And the day I removed you from discord... I know you probably had an awful day that day... I'm so; so sorry...#I'd like to one day be completely unbothered by assumptions and stuff cuz I know it's not your fault... You went through stuff too...#stuff
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i love developing attachments to people where i love them so much and i am consumed by them but i do not know if they really love me or are just pretending and every single time they say they love me i absolutely burst into tears because it means I Am Loved by my favorite person in the world but perhaps they are uncertain so i give them all the presents in the world and try to spend all my time with them but i am still not sure if they love me so i ask again and again but no matter how many times they say yes i still cannot believe them
#random thoughts#do not worry !! this has not happened for a good two to three years.#with him it feels so much easier. with him i feel i am loved. even a simple hello makes me feel all special and perfect [:#this is about my friend who i think i might have had a crush on but i'm not entirely sure. and my other friend who was sort of like.#the parent i never had. and i loved them so much. and i wanted them to love me.#now i hardly talk to either of them but they are just lovely people still.#fuck. this reminds me of when i was wondering if i was bi. you know what. who knows#i am definitely completely attracted to men and all such aligned. but. maybe. i'm not sure. fuck.
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it is unfortunate when i go to prayer and cry my eyes out and the only response i really hear is that i simply have to bear it. like usually i can get my emotions out and once they’re settled i hear a rational solution but it sucks when i don’t get the answer i want. i just have to keep waiting. like normally i hear something that gives me strength but wow apparently i’ve hit a new low
#literally all my problems would be so much easier to deal with if i had friends#and normally i’d be told ‘do this and you’ll probably find friends’#my plan has always been just to wait for someone to find me bc i’m horribly shy and antisocial#even though logically i know that’s a bad way of going about it#my logical rational analytical brain has always been obsessed with finding concrete answers. it’s always been ‘what can *I* do’#so even when i suffer there’s a part of me that says ‘it’s ok once i’m done crying i can work this out and go right back to trying’#i’ve been emotionally dead for years but i’ve always held onto faith like that#tonight i feel like i’ve been brought low. i feel like i’ve finally been told that i might just have to wait after all#which i might think would be comforting bc it absolves me of responsibility#but it’s actually crushing bc it absolves me of power#i feel like i’m finally facing the realization that i’m powerless and pathetic and i’m never going to be able to fix myself#that i can try as hard as i want but i can’t shake off this cross#but i don’t know how long i have to wait for someone to find me#and even if they find me how do i not fumble it#my first instinct is to push people away bc i assume they’re not really interested they’re just trying to be nice#which is usually true#i don’t even know how to sustain casual friendships and im so desperately in need of deep ones#i can’t open up to someone without just breaking apart and making it clear how pathetic i am#one would think i ought to find someone better than myself who can fix me#but on the other hand i think the only time that the good parts of me come out is when im facing someone even worse than me#like i have a tendency to morph into the opposite of the other person in any given situation to maintain healthy balance#so like when surrounded by extroverts which is almost always i become an introvert#it’s rare to meet an introvert but then i become stronger and more extroverted around them. like something in me just loves helping others#even though i can’t help myself#what do i pray for? a fellow pathetic person? or someone with the patience and kindness and life knowledge of a saint?#will either of them really be found just by chance in my life?#and even if i do meet someone. truly i wish they’d also be lonely. i want them to need me#i don’t want to be a pity charity case. like a side project for someone with real friends already
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why are men literally the fucking worst
#theres a guy in one of my uni friend groups who has a crush on my friend also from the friend group#and she feels so so uncomfortable plus she hasnt done ANYTHING thatd give a hint that she likes him back. bc she doesnt#and now she doesnt feel ok around because hes so attached to her and so so needy and its like. well. way to fuck it up dude. fuck you#he has been acting so strange lately and not in a good way. strange awkward and needy and like. possesive.#her and i also have another friendgroup where frankly i feel much better with and she does too. and its like. well the guy is always like#butting in but now really being part of anything? like its not like he comes over to the grouo to be with all of us hes just sort of . there#talking only to her or sometimes me but its like not nice its weird and annoying#ALSO HES SO PATRONIZING TOWARDS HER ITS AWFUL#AND hes like. a bit older.... where its not like. the weirdest age gap i dont think so. but it IS a bit weird considering some of the things#he has said. like the other day he made a comment about how my friend 'well shes so young like people her age sometimes dont get [x]' like?#if you think she is SOOO young and SOOO out of touch with people your age well why the fuck are you asking others if you have a chance w her#get away from her really#sidenote: today she was telling me and a different friend about this problem and my other friend said it was really uncomfortable and bad +#that he used to think the guy had a thing for ME BEFORE??? and i dont know if he also thought -i- had a thing for him but please god no.#even the hypothetical made me feel super uncomfortable. also i used to feel like that a bit like he might like me and it was bad and gross#so i dropped a comment that let him believe i was a lesbian i think? also got much colder towards him . like. thats what you get fucker#about the lesbian thing i meant that he told me about a friend of his that had it hard coming out as a lesbian and i said like oh yeah being#like that was hard for me also. finding out i was not straight was tough etc .#dont remember if i said the word lesbian i dont think so but i did say i like girls and i didnt mention boys at all so i hoped itd be enough#also people dont really -get- what being asexuas means + didnt want to tell him im ace + techically i Can like boys bc romantic attraction#is undefined to me but i was definetely not going to tell him that bc 1. im much more prone to like a girl and 2. not trying to get his hope#up.#so anyway it was gross to realize other people saw it too so i mightve actually not been insane to think he had a crush on me but it was bad#and also. i really need for my friend to be comfortable in class so i might have to kill him who knows. well see#spikeposting#personal
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i think i understand dating now. you find a person that seems cool and you become their friend but in a romantic way until you. actually love them. yes?
#bluebird.txt#i am schrodinger's understander of romance#90% of the time i'm like why would anyone date a stranger#why would you do that#like you have a friend then you get close to that friend then become romance??#i had a HUGE crush on a girl earlier this year and then one day i made a new friend- NO romantic feelings for her at all-#but suddenly my crush evaporated in an instant? i just stopped thinking abt her or feeling anything when i DID think abt her. completely.#but like. you meet person. become friend. then you love them. then romance. yes?#that's always been my thought process of how it works#so now i’m like oh that's how Dating works! you just pick a person and fuck around and find out if you'll love them????#it's like friendship but with. romance. hey does anyone fucking know what romance is by the way#I Don't Know Anything Ever 👍🏼#also do people really see other people and think wow i want to fuck them#bc like. i've seen hot people i like hot people but i don't think ive ever seen a hot person and thought about sex#i’ve been like wow they are extremely attractive to me but never wow i want to fuck that#is that actually how people feel? they see an attractive person and they get horny? just like that?#like physically in your genitals horny??#i'll shut up now. once again I Don't Know Anything At All 👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼#i WANT to date someone to know what it's like but what i really want is to fake date a friend#fuck all this shit i really might be aroace. i fucking might. i am so not sure about anything.#who give a shit i guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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