#this is a whole entire thing actually lol i wanna keep rambling about the surface level squabbles we got with like gentaro and juto

[akkivee]

rivals

[gayspock]

actually omg let me ramble more abt it all you've got me chatty now girlies....

like okay first of all omg for the record. its like- im typinf all this out and i pausing a bit. bc its like. sighhh OMG im re-reading stuff i write, and its like1? you know, some ppl take stuff soooo literally when it comes to like. ppl online talking abt their shows. like they take it with all such bad faith, immediately-

and so its like. sigh. i am putting a lot of disclaimers around the whole caitlyn being a rich cop thing bc, and all the other little comments im abt to make.... bc like literally!! sometimes (AND THIS HASNT HAPPENED YET, SO ITS LIKE SOIEGJSIGDSD) -_- you know when ppl get soo mad at u for even bringing sth like that UP abt their little tv shows? and its like oh christmas, help. like babygirl, im not trying to cancel it, like you keep saying- im just trying to talk more specifically abt these aspect and the bits of it i dont like / dont appeal to me o_o . and some genuine criticisms im having. bc i do still like the show well enough- its quite nice actstually :3 -but i just have some parts i wanna prod at. and which i mean ok im the sillygoose making up ppl now in my head, abt ppl who make up things but- you know what i mean my love </3

anyway in truth i AM still being realistic here like. its like- i wouldnt expect a netflix LOL show to be truly that conscious of, like, caitlyn. like cmon- no way.... and in general, theres a lot of stuff in the show that does have that sort of milk toast feeling about it, yeah? playing it safe; keeping it all marketable. make some stuff a bit more surface level without going too deep and make sure you depict things certain ways and etc.... like i didnt expect that much from it. and so im not horribly caught off guard. but nor am i, like, pleasantly surprised by its like progressiveness- think i stand by what i said, in the beginning, you know?

like. i feel like its growing on me. and i like the show, i do! i like the characters and i like the story and i like whats happening. but i do feel like... eh. theres a bit of it thats not entirely engaged for me, and thats fine. :3 it can just be a fun little ride and not everything has to be a banger. bc i rlly dont think this is. its- again its like i said in the beginning which i said already but sigpjsdhjs. not a lot of this is... THAT original, you know? which- im not saying sth has to be ORIGINAL to be good but its like... ehhh idk. idk how to say it best. i feel like its a lot of expected sort of worldbuilding from things ive seen before and dynamics to expect and whatnot and its all executed quite nicely but theres no.... i guess its just lacking a personal depth, if that makes sense? which i mention bc i feel like thats the sort of thing this story really needs to make it its own- because it IS a story about a corrupt world, but like what i said with it being so sanitised but also it being fast (a comment below on the pacing) and you know.. you know. its okay. :3 is wht im saying. :3 but its not spectacular. and

i think a bit of stuff .. hm. idk how to say it. im not sure on the pacing! bc i feel like its deffo going fast enough tht im not getting bored and idk it feels like its somehow. both at the right speed but also like... idk. it feels like we're missing so much stuff, still. i kinda wish they'd... take a bit more time? like squints. its so odd how theres such a major timeskip like that in such a short show which has so many little guys and its like eh idk. they do do the legwork to properly establish stuff but nonetheless. part of me wishes they'd have explored more stuff in the interim- bc its like O_O its like: i do feel how long the sisters have been apart, but also do i? idk bestie. not sure how to feel. part of me even feels, like... sigh idk. i feel like it might have been a better pacing decision to, like, have started the show right after the big time skip and give exposition abt the stuff pre skip through flashbacks bc its just an odd length of time i guess... an odd focus choice. if we'd been grounded in this timeframe for the whole show and really got to establish this status quo best... eh. idk. bc its like- sometimes some guys die too quick, or stuff is shaken up so fast its like. girl i never even got the chance to settle iwht what the normal was before so this really doesnt impact as much as it should, you know?

hmmm what else do ihave to say... hm. idk. not much i dont fink. tahts it for now. the music has been getting a little better and i stand by what i said vis a vis the art- its nice, yknow? the designs are all qutie nice. its deffo... its DEFFO, like, you know. i can tell this was from a video game. LOL. but thats okay doaky<3

[miru667]

i wanna know how you! draw the onceler because your drawings of him are so pretty and i wanna know the process of it :DDDD

very long and embarrassing answer in which i expose myself as a crazy person so i’m putting it under a readmore

skdgjkfg THIS ASK ISNT ANY MORE SPECIFIC !!! 😂

orzzzz my process is extremely long and complicated and like,,..idk how to explain that what i basically do is:

1) draw the onceler (eyes>eyebrows>nose>mouth/face shape/ears>hair>hat>neck>rest of body) 2) decide it’s not good enough and completely redraw him

i probably spend 5% of my drawing time doing actual drawing and the rest of the 95% is spent troubleshooting and fixing mistakes until im satisfied. art is suffering.

and i wasnt kidding with my last answer. Ed Helms called him “extremely sexy”, so it’s canon in my mind that he’s intended to be attractive, so my #1 priority is to try to make him HOT. while still keeping somewhat faithful to his original design. so that involves a lot of studying of movie screenshots and also looking at a large variety of other ppls’ onceler fanart and figuring out what exactly i like abt the way they drew the onceler and why.

so from movie screenshots i’ve noticed things like the subtle upward angle of his eyes, his high cheekbones despite his round face, how far his mouth is relative to his nose and chin, the way his hair parts and curves and separates into which strands and where, the shape of his eyebrows, all of this and more (so far i’ve only just been talking about his head here) you can gather from just looking at screenshots. you know the trope where a person is lying in bed with their significant other and staring at them cuz they wanna memorize every inch and curve of their face and body? that’s me with the onceler. so again i wasn’t kidding with my last answer. i drew us like rly close buds in that interaction, because we metaphorically are.

anyway, so then i keep all of those details in mind while translating into my art style, and we all know every artist’s style is really just an amalgamation of other ppls styles that they found inspiring. so what does my style end up doing? It makes his hair a lil more tousled. it makes his nose a lil more pointy and further from his eyes, which i also make larger and more defined (i had a much more anime style before i joined onceler fandom). his jawline is a lil more defined as well. and i ALWAYS have to correct myself when drawing his eyes - i always draw them too far apart and have to move them closer to each other for that seussian look. i curve his mouth upwards for that seussy look too. sometimes i take the middle strand of his bangs and have it fall downward instead of curving up like in the movie, if i think he doesn’t look hot enough in my drawing. or i take the hair in front of his ears and bring it more forward or have it curve in front of his cheek. and usually it works. so all of these stylistic decisions are things i’ve seen from others’ fanart and got inspired by.

AND THEN i look at the drawing, and if i feel like it's not good enough, i’ll redo entire parts of it. or i’ll look at movie screenshots again to see if i’m straying way too far. So this is how my first draft of the press conference drawing here:

eventually became THIS later on after many hours of self critique and experimental redraws of one line at a time:

and this is all like, just scratching the surface lol like his clothes would be a whole ‘nother long ramble of a post!!

[angelmichelangelo]

(Part 1)

Personally I could understand the having kids thing going either way for Dan. Phil definitely seems like the type who would want kids, but when you grow up in a dysfunctional household like Dan did it gets more complicated.

For example, personally I come from a family with a long history of abuse, and it frightens me that I could pass that on. That + health issues means I’ll never have biological children, but I’m still partially on the fence about adopting. I love children and babies, and they love me back. But interacting with children is different when you’re a parent than elsewise. Like, breaking the cycle of abuse is incredibly difficult. Even if I think I would be a great parent I can’t guarantee that under stress I wouldn’t revert back to the abusive behaviors that were taught to me. My parents were abusive, their parents were abusive, their parents were abusive... who the hell knows how much further back it goes. Not me. All I know is that all the remembered generations have been abusive. So not only is the behavior passed on, on an epigenetic level I’m sure it’s affected my DNA- which is another factor in not having biological children. Even if I know that I love children and there’s a good chance I could be a great parent, there’s also a significant chance that I would end up a toxic parent and boy do I not want to be responsible for ruining someone’s life.

(Cont.)

(Part 2)

There’s also another factor which I want to bring up. I bring this up because me and Dan are very similar people, and if any of the other patterns hold true I’m sure he feels the same way about this as I do so even though it’s sort of niche I’ll bring it up.

I have moral issues with bringing children into this world. I’m sure part of it is influenced by my own mental & physical health + being s*icidal most of my life, but a lot of it is just my personal moral outlook.

Most of it comes down to bodily autonomy. Why does bodily autonomy matter to people in other situations but not regarding life? When you have a kid you force them into life. They don’t get a chance to consent to being born. You throw them into this world that’s full of cruelty and requires them to work tirelessly to keep themselves alive. Meanwhile whether or not they want to be alive doesn’t matter. Society values life over all else. You are forced to work to survive even if you don’t want to survive. Because other people’s feelings on your survival matter more than your own feelings.

I’m not saying I think s*icide is the right answer, or that no one should enjoy being alive. What I am saying is that us forcing people to stay alive is morally wrong. It really, really bothers me that people “save” people who attempt s*icide. Against their will. Sure, some people express regret afterwards and are thankful that they were saved. But that applies to all bodily autonomy issues. I think what someone does with their body should be their choice, full stop.

The combo of A: bringing someone into this world without their consent & B: not giving them the option to leave this world really seems fucked up on a bodily autonomy level. And I feel like I wouldn’t want to contribute to forcing another person into a situation where they lack bodily autonomy. Me and Dan tend to agree on moral/philosophical stuff (among many things) so I wouldn’t be surprised if this is also a factor for him on if he wants kids.

----

i get what you’re saying with this, and of course, you’re allowed to have your own opinion and i respect that. but i think that it is worth bearing in mind that we do not have a full picture of dan’s upbringing. of course, he’s shared both good and bad and whilst BIG gave us a good insight to what his childhood and teen years was like, we don’t know the entire story on his relationship with his parents, and whether it was dysfunctional or not. but i do agree that abuse in childhood can have a massive chainreaction on your own future and what paths you take and which ones you don’t - that’s definitely true.

but i’d have to disagree with you about that whole suicide part? mainly because i personally don’t think it’s wrong to want to help and support loved ones through crises that involve those kinds of dark thoughts. of course, there should be better access to mental health support for sure! but i don’t think it’s really “forcing” people to live when you just want the best for people. if it were me, and someone reached out to me, saying they were suicidal (and people have, on a few occasions), i would do everything in my power to help them and make sure they didn’t do that. i wouldn’t see that as taking away their choice or forcing them to live. i’d want them to survive and make a better life for themselves because of it, because i love them and of course i don’t want them to die. but everyone has a mind of their own and you can’t exactly save everyone but the whole argument of “kids didn’t ask to be born!” kinda... idk. is meaningless to me because.. well. everyone on earth is in the same situation. nobody ever asked to be born. that’s just how life goes. so who do we blame then? our cavemen ancestors? you can’t ask a sperm for consent nor an egg so... what do you do then? ask a kid when they’re old enough to talk: hey you wanna live or not? 

i do get the point you’re trying to make here, which, correct me if i’m wrong is: it seems likely that the impact of some of the trauma dan has shared with us over time would suggest that having children wouldn’t be a huge interest for him.

and you could be right! but i know a lot of people that did go through traumatic childhoods, or have bad relationships with their parents, that actually made them want to have children even more, as if to make sure that their kids didn’t get treated the same way that they did growing up and to kinda break that cycle of abuse. it happens a lot!

so there’s two sides to it really. and if that’s your own personal opinion on your own outlook on your own life, that’s perfectly okay and there’s no judgement on how you feel about your own choices in life.

but we can’t really say that the same choices apply to dan, because like we were discussing last night: dan’s never really given us an update on the feelings on having children. the last time he mentioned it was years ago, and those feelings can always be altered and changed, but we’ll never know unless he actually told us how he felt on the matter.

your choice is your own choice. if you don’t want kids, that’s fine. if dan and phil don’t want kids, that’s fine too. i’m cool with that and yknow, kudos to the people that put themselves first rather than giving in and going along the required “steps” of life that society kinda forces us into: marriage, babies, house, blah blah blah. but whilst i agree with that, there are parts of this that i would say would be unfair to use as a surface blanket on everyone’s choices, and we can just agree to disagree because this is an open discussion on the matter but i hope what i’ve said has made sense and it’s not all just ramblings lol :)

[lizzibennet]

Hey! So im trying really hard to read pride and prejudice butnit seems like such a drag. I do wanna read it badly but i keep on losing interest. Halp me :(

hi! so i’m not sure what the ~literary consensus on p&p is, so keep in mind i mind be speaking bs from a technical standpoint. this is just my opinion lol

so the thing about p&p that really draws me in (even after a good few years and more than a few rereads) is the darcy/elizabeth dichotomy, which actually isn’t a dichotomy at all. see, they have similar flaws, similar challenges, even though they (and the other characters of the novel) think they’re stark opposites. people are very quick to say lizzie is the prejudice and darcy is the pride, but i disagree. even though one could say darcy is the one who is both proud and prejudiced - and don’t get me wrong, he is - lizzie is shown to be capable of being just as proud and just as prejudiced. she is constantly saying he thinks he’s better than everyone else - but she constantly thinks her judgement is always correct and acts on her rash opinions of other people. she is constantly pointing out his pride - but hers is just as present when she holds on to her opinions of people even when they show they might be different than what she thought, because she doesn’t wanna be proved wrong. he is portrayed as a huge a-hole, and for all that he really did act like one, he was also much quicker to realize how his pride AND his prejudice was negatively influencing his relationships with other people. he was the first to realize he needed to work on his flaws. lizzie needs to have her entire world challenged to realize the same about herself. so i don’t think lizzie is prejudice and darcy is pride or vice versa - i think the entire point of the novel is showcasing that anyone can be either of these things, sometimes both of them at once! both lizzie & darcy have challenges they need to overcome, that are different in the sense that they appear in different ways in their lives obviously because their lives are different, but that are also similar in the sense that they are caused by the same root problems (you guessed it): pride AND prejudice!!! as i said, they’re portrayed to be completely different people, but over the course of the novel they realize their motivations and their struggles are much, much more similar than they ever even stopped to consider - and, in stopping to consider, they realize they overlooked each other in their hastiness to judge. she was wrong about his character, he was wrong about his evaluation of her & her family because of their social class. once they get rid of these misconceptions, they realize they understand each other better than anyone else in their lives for their struggles were so similar in their dissimilarity, and realize they actually maybe kinda like each other and could have done so since the beginning, had both of them not been dumb-dumbs.

basically, these two characters that are said to be so different are very similar under the surface. similar motivations, similar struggles, similar difficulties to overcome. i love the idea of coming to realize, deep down, you share these traits with someone else you thought so incapable of basically everything lol, that you share with them more similarities than you actually really want to. no wonder they fall in love :.)

all that said - my fav part of the novel and the whole point of it - austen’s writing def has some very particular aspects that get really tiring really fast, like when one of the characters launches into a speech that doesn’t even add anything to the plot. that was her way of adding social commentary to her stories: by having the characters comment on it rather than showing things and making the reader think about it. she really lays it all out. if you’re interested in history and in the regency period - especially if you’re interested in the voices of women back then, so often overlooked - you might think these bits are interesting, but as someone who is actually interested in history, i found most of these really boring and borderline annoying to read lol. i can confidently say if you realize the part you’re reading doesn’t really add anything to the actual story and is just commentary, you can safely just skim/straight up skip over it. it’s really just context, it won’t affect your understanding of the story in any way. if you like it you can come back later and read it, bc it is sort of interesting, but like. another book of hers that features this heavily is emma and i’ve reread emma like. 5 times and i still skip over most of the really long speeches LOL

so yh! really long and rambly but basically: characters gd and interesting! masterfully and subtly done! realistic and compelling! she kinda rants sometimes bc she angry which honestly same. overall 10/10 would rec

[secondhand-trash]

Freddy Freeman(Shazam!)- Art Exchange

A/N: Nobody asked for this but here is another fic I wrote out of impulse. This is inspired by something similar that happened to my friend and the biggest struggle I had when I wrote this was probably the fact that I have no idea how American schools work lol

Description: Drawing exaggerated pictures of your teachers is a part of high school culture and you had fully embraced it as a part of your school life. You just didn’t expect someone to actually see it, let alone replying to it with an even more comedic doodle.

Wordcount: 2166

Playlist:

Young Volcanos//Fall Out Boy

Check Yes Juliet//We The Kings

Something You Want//Against the Current

You couldn’t help it. Mathematics was boring and the teacher’s monotone lecture did not help keeping you awake at all. Scribbling on your desk was your last attempt at trying to stop your eyelids from closing and to your surprise, it worked. From that moment onwards, you always mindlessly dribble on the corner of your desk in class, occasionally looking up to pretend that you are actually listening. By the time you leave class, half of the wood surface would be covered in graphite strokes, most of which consisted of portraits of your maths teacher.

Sorry Mr Martin, but your round head and goatee was too cartoonish and easy to visualize.

Normally, you would make sure to erase all the doodles on your desk before leaving the room. But your friend had been rambling about this new movie and as you two continued with the conversation after the bell rang, you completely forgot about the markings on the school property.

Your mistake ended up being a delightful surprise for another poor kid who was stuck in the exact same situation as you did.

Freddy tried, he really did but he hated this subject with his whole heart. Why did the school think it was a good idea to ask you to calculate the volume of a pool when no person in their right mind would purchase a goddamn pool without knowing its measurements?

He was quick to notice that something was off about his usual seat the moment he walked pass the door. Taking a more careful look at the patterns on the desk as he sat down, he instinctively pressed his hand to his lips to cover up the snicker that would have drawn too much unwanted attention as more pupils started entering the room. On the corner of his desk was a figure that somehow resembles an egg but with a goatee. He didn’t have to take another glance to know that said egg was their beloved teacher, completely unaware that he had been immortalized in his student’s masterpiece as he handed out the new assignment.

Whoever did this was a genius, Freddy thought to himself as he scanned through the other amusing doodles on the desk. He reached into his bag and scrambled for a pencil, scribbling away while trying to surpress the large grin on his face.

“Mr Freeman? Mr Freeman, are you listening?”

Shit. “Yes Mr Martin?”

“Tell me, what is the answer to this question?”

“Oh crap.”

“What if he saw it?” You nervously said to your friend as you two made a turn down the hallway.

“It’s gonna be fine,” your friend said, clearing annoyed after hearing you went on about how much trouble you would be in if Mr Martin found out about the little artwork you made of him in class. Drawing in class, on school property AND making fun of your teacher? God knows how many days of detention this could cost you.

You sighed in relieve as Mr Martin did not even turn to look at you when you walked in. You walked straight to your seat to see that all the doodles were still there. Picking up an eraser to remove all hints of your crime, you noticed something that wasn’t there before. Right next to the egg(aka cartoon Mr Martin) you drew was the figure of a man being tied up. The corner of your lips tucked up into a smirk as you saw that the man was tied up by his very, very long facial hair. Whoever left this here clearly paid more attention to the teacher’s goatee more than they did to class like you did.

“Nice drawings, bought me more fun than maths ever did. Hope you don’t mind my little addition:)”

Looking at the scrawled handwriting below the figure, you grinned. You erased the existing drawings on the table and started making another one, all while thinking of a message that you could leave for the person who would be sitting there later on.

Needless to say, you were thrilled when you got back to the seat the following day to see that you actually got a reply.

You never thought that you would ever say this in your entire lifetime but you started really looking forward to maths class. Every time you walked into the classroom, you checked the table for new drawings and messages immediately and you were never disappointed. Your anonymous friend always pulled through and the stuff that appeared on the wooden surface only got weirder and weirder, so weird that you found yourself smiling uncontrollably when you look at them in class. (”What exactly are you smiling at?” “Oh, nothing. Just my love for algebra, Mr Martin.”)

Your friends teased you about it, saying that you looked like a fool in love when you grin at your desk. To that, you shrugged. You never showed them the doodles and you weren’t planning to, much to their curiosity and annoyance. Somehow, you wanted the whole exchange to be a secret between you and the other person involved. The idea that you had an unspoken bond with someone you had not met gave you an odd sense of excitement.

That was until one day you entered the classroom with your usual anticipation and found nothing but your own handwriting, not even a single word next to the lines you made.

You tried to continue leaving little drawings and notes here and there on your desk everyday but you were met with the same disappointment when you check in on the markings the next day.

“I don’t get it! What happened? They didn’t say anything, they just vanished like they fell of the surface of the earth! Are they ok? Are they angry at me for anything I might have done? Are they still alive? What if-”

“Can you please calm down?” You friend yelled, throwing the fork down onto the tray and earning the both of you a few glances from the people sitting near your table, “That person does not even know who you are!”

“Well, I know!” You snapped back, “But there must be a reason as to why they suddenly stop replying! It makes no sense!”

You friend rolled their eyes and continued munching on their food, deciding that letting you express your frustration might be a wiser idea than putting any form of rationality in your head.

Little did you know, the same conversation was unfolding in the far corner of the cafeteria.

“I should have left my number!” Freddy sighed, “And now there’s no way I would ever find out who my art buddy is!”

“I mean, I get your frustration but maybe don’t take it out on your food? The mashed potato is innocent, ya’know?” Billy said in amusement as his brother let out another muffled groan, “Mr Martin wouldn’t have forced you to sit in the front row if you at least tried to pretend that you were paying attention, just saying.”

“You are no help.”

“Have you ever thought of waiting before class starts to see who’s the one in that seat?”

“First of all, that sounds creepy.” The shorter boy folded his arms in front of his chest, “Second, what am I supposed to do after that? Walk up to that person and be like ‘Hey, I’m the weirdo who you had been bonding with through our mutual mocking towards our teacher, wanna be friends?’”

“I thought you want to know who the person is?”

“Well yeah,” Freddy said, "but the thought of actually being around them in real life kinda scares me. Can’t we just go back to how things used to be? When I can pretend to be cool by hiding under the facade of my excellent art?”

“How so very confident of you, if only you have as much confidence when you are facing real people.”

“What class are we having?” You friend asked, desperately trying to change the subject. Your rambling carried on after you two finished lunch and they were slowly losing patience.

“History.”

“Damn it! Really? I forgot about the essay we are supposed to hand in! I’m so fucked...”

You mockingly laughed, “Same, but the difference between me and you is that I was smart enough to check my schedule when I got to school this morning so I managed to finish it in maths class.”

Reaching into you bag, you search for your paper and your smirk slowly fade as you realized that it was no where to be found. “Shit, I must have left it in the drawer.”

“Ha ha, jokes on you. Now we can both get into trouble together.”

You glared at your friend, “I’m gonna go get it back.”

“Are you sure? I think class is about to start.”

“I’ll just say that my stomach hurts and I was at the bathroom. With the quality of the food they are serving here, I’m sure that no one will suspect a thing.”

Freddy mindlessly flicked his pen as he sulked in his new seat. Class was no fun and he could not get away with drawing in class anymore with the teacher right in front of him, watching his every move. He was bored out of his mind when the door opened, he looked up to see an unfamiliar figure standing under the frame. Was this person in his class?

“Sorry Mr Martin, I left something here and I need it for class.” The person quickly entered the room and walked pass Freddy after gaining a nod of approval from the teacher. His gaze followed them and his eyes widened in shock as the person stopped in front of his previous seat, pulling a few sheets of paper out of the drawer. He took a quick glance at the paper when they passed his seat again and felt a comforting sense of familiarity when he saw their handwriting. Freddy smiled, earning him a look of confusion from the maths teacher. “Honestly,” the man thought to himself, slightly regretting putting this kid in the front, “why did I decide to be a teacher in the first place?”

“Hey! Wait up!”

You turned around, the voice stopping you in your track as you were walking out of the school building. Not far from you was a boy walking towards you with a crutch in his hand, clearly trying his best to walk at full speed.

“Do you know him?” Your friend whispered in your ear and you slightly shake your head. As he walked closer, you recognized him as the person who was sitting near the door when you went to get your homework in Mr Martin’s room.

“I’m sorry, I don’t think I know you?”

The boy scratched the back of his head, realizing that he might have confused you. “Oh, of course. I almost forgot that you don’t know yet,” he said, not looking you in the eye as he speak, “I used to sit at your seat in maths before I got put in the front.”

You beamed as you finally gathered what the boy was trying to say, “That’s you? So that’s why you suddenly stopped replying! Thank god, I thought you were dead or something.”

“No, not dead, just observed by ‘Mr goatee’ 24/7.” he said and you laughed. He reached out his free hand to you, “I’m Freddy.”

“(y/n).” You said and shaked his hand, “I can’t believe I’m actually talking to you in person. I’ve missed you... I mean, talking to you... Like, drawing ‘talking’...” You felt your face burn as everything you said sounded so creepy and you gave your friend a sharp glare as you heard the snickering.

“I missed that too.” Freddy looked right at you and you took the first proper look at him. With the sun and the grin on his face, it looked his eyes were twinkling. You cringed as the thought went pass your head and you felt like such a clich��. But this kid actually got unfairly pretty eyes.

“Now that we did the whole ‘awkward first encounter thing’,” He said and darted his gaze away from you again, “maybe we can hang out sometimes? I know this really nice comic book shop in town, if you’re interested that is.”

You smiled, “I love comics.”

His face lit up and you cursed yourself for being so quick to notice that. “So is tomorrow good?”

“Tomorrow’s good.”

“Cool, I’ll see you then.” He gave you another bright smile before leaving and joining another group of people that you assumed to be his family. Still grinning from ear to ear at what happened, you didn’t notice the sly smile on your friend’s face.

“Ooooooooo someone’s got a date.”

“Shut up.”

[thehiddenlawyer]

Favorite BC as Sherlock Moments

This post was intended for earlier today but the Tumblr app crashed and I almost cried because it was so well written and from the bottom of my heart.

Cumberspam on Twitter had the theme today: favorite Sherlock moments and I literally spent 15 minutes thinking about what they could be, and why. I predictably couldn’t up with just one. 

So here we go!

Let’s go in chronological order, shall we?

First up-- the Empty Hearse, the kiss. Sure it might have just been guilt-ridden Anderson that had this head canon-- the coat flip, hair ruffle, and ohhhh what a kiss. I feel like there’s really nothing to talk about, just watch the damn thing. The confidence in every single movement, the intensity of his expression as he steps into Molly, the way he cups her face, the jaw line to absolutely die for. 

Next, probably my favorite for oh so many reasons we’re going to talk about -- His Last Vow, the entire mind palace sequence. 

There’s several things that make the mind palace scene such a huge love for me.

Benedict Cumberbatch’s Acting

The writing

What it reveals about Sherlock

The acting

When he crashes down into the room where Moriarty is locked away, the he’s muttering “control! control! control!” says more about Sherlock than anyone can guess. I think that scene reveals more about Sherlock than even TFP, shows you that this man that is supposed emotionless and robotic actually feels more acutely that anyone suspects (with the exception of Mycroft and for me, Molly). 

So there’s why I love the scene as someone who loves Sherlock Holmes, now let’s talk about it from the perspective of someone who’s a fan of Cumberbatch’s acting.

The brilliance of actors for me, and I may have said it before, is the fact that the intense emotion we are seeing are being acted by an individual. Like he has to turn it on and off when the director yells action and cut. I watch the entire sequence, especially when he starts to feel the pain, when Molly utters that incredible line “there’s a hole ripped through you”, and he screams, and I always think this is Benedict, on the floor, with crew around him, turning it on and off. And you see the pain in his eyes, you SEE it. Like go back and watch that scream and it’s utter insanity how he can project so much with just his eyes. He is a brilliant actor and I think that bit alone shows him off. 

And let’s not forget his moment with Redbeard, the way Ben looks so utterly exalted to see his old friend, the way he leans into the affections of the dog and his delivery of the line “they’re putting me down now too”. Uttered with perfection beyond even my ability to ramble. 

Then we come to the Lying Detective

Where the fuck do I start with this? Do I talk about the POWER of Benedict when he’s delivering the lines from Henry V? Do I first talk about the vulnerability of “high Sherlock” when he’s telling Faith that her life isn’t hers, and she should keep her hands off it? Or do I sigh with wonder again at Benedict’s ability to say so much with a single look, without uttering a word. 

I was floored when I first watched TLD, for so many reasons--- and I had to watch it a few times to actually absorb everything that’s happening to Sherlock in that single episode. The first time I didn’t really feel the impact of “once more unto the breach!” I was overwhelmed with high Sherlock’s...everything. But when I watched it again and again, I was overwhelmed for a whole other reason. Mr. C brings this amazing, manic, kinetic energy to Sherlock. He makes him feel like a live wire, unpredictable. It’s what made me love the series from day one...To have Mr. C bring his power as a Shakespearean actor to Sherlock, and combine the two? ALWAYS blows me away because how perfect is it? 

And the other thing that always strikes me is the subtlety of movements that Mr. C brings, the nuances in his performance that makes him pop off the screen. The part where he tells JW that he’s losing it, there’s the SMALLEST movement of his face to hint at the demons ripping him apart beneath the surface. 

And the other is the look he gives to Molly. Just think about it. Even if you don’t ship Sherlolly, think about what that one single glance at Molly tells you, what one single look has inspired among those of us that do ship them together. With a single look at her, most of us are convinced that more happened between them that meets the eye. 

and OF COURSE the I love you scene from The Final Problem. (I’m equal opportunity shipper-- you can ship who you want, I’ll ship who I want, you respect me, I respect you. Cool? Cool. Let’s move on)The first I love you-- you can hear the hesitation, the mechanical brain and heart fighting for control until the second I love you, flooded with emotion, with realization, with the fact that this is his truth. This is what matters.  

 And of course the coffin scene- and I’ve already written extensively about that. You can find that here

I didn’t mean for this to be so long but there you go. Benedict Cumberbatch brings out the writer in my head (and i’ve had a shitty day so hey)

And now I feel heartbroken and all I wanna do is watch Sherlock lol

[oolathurman]

@rekkingcrew​ replied to your post: “I’m watching spill your guts or fill your guts and as funny as it may...”:

As an aside- I lived and worked in the UK while a similar show was on, and a shop I worked at sold a show related gross out packet (don't remember what it was actually called), but, like, the stuff in it was just mashed potatoes pressed into the shape of weird food? It was kind of surreal. I never actually saw the show, but a coworker described it, apparently horrified that anyone would eat camel. Then again, that guy seemed to believe duck tastes like chicken? 

My experience with Americans is that they're often straight up grossed out by American food of just a generation ago. I'm from the south, and, like, gizzards, tripe, mountain oysters, and squirrel are all things my grandparents fed my parents. I'm unimpressed by a lot of it personally, but it's not actually weird. But I know Americans who straight up won't eat meat with bones in it because they're uncomfortable being reminded it came from an animal.

Just processed burgers and nuggets please. I feel like that's one of the weirdest side effects of the way we do capitalism- how much distance we put between food and what it actually is. Which is tangent to your point, but I hope it's useful. I feel like I'm rambling. Anyway, sorry people were shit to you about your food as a kid. It's dumb and they're dumb for it.

ok first off duck does NOT taste exactly like chicken and i can promise yall that i like duck a lost more than chicken :’D but you do have a point. There’s this weird gap between product and consumer that keeps growing, and it’s very likely that capitalism (as well as culture and a million other things) have an influence on it. I even talked about that separation here, though it was more on the observational surface level stuff than anything else.

@depizan​ replied to your post: “@jedimasteramell replied to your post: “I’m watching spill your guts...”:

That's super fucked up. You can make any food gross if you serve it wrong and make it sound "weird."

I wonder what standard American fare sounds weird as hell elsewhere. (Or even what standard American would seem gross to standard Americans if you described it/treated it like it sounds like they're describing/treating ingredients.)  

(Like hot dogs, maybe - cheap, unseasoned sausage that you BOIL. Ew.) 

Exactly, like... I’m sure everyone remembers that mess that was implying that tubby custard was what chicken nuggets were made out of. And that’s a good example of doing just that, though like I said, it seems like Asians get a lot of that crap. 

@senator-organa replied to your post: “I’m watching spill your guts or fill your guts and as funny as it may...”:

fish eyes you can just kinda eat when you cook whole fish? usually we pan fry the fish with soy sauce, and my grandfather liked them, though admittedly i am not nearly so enthusiastic, the texture's not my thing. and fish cheeks are absolutely one of the best parts of fish, though failing that, throwing fish heads in soup also works very well. ANYWAY the show sounds like a mess, wow

ngl I didn’t realize you can eat the fish eyes just like that once it’s cooked :’) I know my family just steams the entire thing a lot. I think mom likes to eat the eyes? For sure she’ll pick at the bones like a cat tho lol. I know my sibling and I used to practically fight over the fish cheek though :D it’s so soft and moist ;-; 

it’s one of those segments of a late night show, though idk which. 

@jedimasteramell

Ugh that sucks. Im sorry. I totally get being surprised by new ingredients, but I feel like cooking shows should be about how great the diversity of foods are and how amazing it is humans figured all this out.

Not knocking on totally normal ingredients for other cultures.

Exactly, like... There’s just different ways of cooking shit. And I admit, I’m still gonna have my limits on what I eat, eg I don’t wanna eat bug based dishes (cricket flour is apparently a thing and as nutritious as it may be.... not my cup of tea) but that doesn’t mean there needs to be this... weird hate for it. 

Unfortunately, at this point, I’m sort of just... used to people doing shit like this. I’m not surprised anymore. If it’s what’s currently in front of me and a friend asks, “can you actually eat jellyfish????” then I’d be the kind of person to just go, “yeah, watch!” and spoon that shit into my mouth. Well, chopstick it into my mouth. Same thing. 

I guess that’s kind of why parents will go, “try it, you’ll love it” when a kid asks “what’s this????” although it feels different if you’re saying it to Not A Kid about a food that’s a delicacy and been around for hundreds/thousands of years lol.

[howlingmoonrise]

Dear Yuletide Author

Hi! Thanks for signing up for Yuletide despite the hell year it’s been, I hope you have fun with your assignment!

I ramble a lot so everything is below the cut. Obviously you don’t have to follow any of this (though I hope you’ll respect my squicks) but hopefully this will help you out!

general things i like

so much pining. all the pining. pining everywhere plz.

continuing from above, PINING. i mean it. i prefer a thousand times over idiots in love who are having a hard time wrapping their minds around it than an already established relationship.

either gen or romantic is fine! what really does it for me is the development of the relationship, platonic or otherwise. it’s all about the growing intimacy and understanding and character dynamics and interactions and developing trust and finding kinship and growing respect for the other and subconsciously learning to lean on the other over anyone else and--

i love love love enemies-to-reluctant-allies-(to-maybe-friends?)-to-lovers and bickering pairs in general! it’s so much fun and it gives us so many opportunities for character and relationship developments okay i’m a slut for that shit

sticking to the original characterizations and the tone of canon is a definite plus!!!

“missing scenes” and “what if” canon-divergent situations are excellent, as are continuations from where canon left us depending on the fandom! more details on the sections for the respective fandoms i GUESS

casual intimacy is super fun, especially when adapted to the character dynamics. a bickering pair being casually comfortable adds a whole new depth to it, enemy dynamics makes is hilarious since the other half would have zero clue as to how to react, a pair that is already comfortable with each other that they do stuff without communicating is so intimate, mix and match however you like!

fun tropes i enjoy (a bit romance-leaning but if you’re not into that then some of these can probably be adapted): fake dating, accidentally got roped into x and shenanigans of all sorts keep happening, misunderstood confessions, groundhog day au, one or both the characters having stupid levels of denial while technically in a relationship and just not realizing it like What Do You Mean We’re Dating??, that sorta thing.

TROPE SUBVERSION ALL THE WAY!

--

general things i dislike

kidfics. babyfics. next gen fics. pregnancy fics, or even pregnancy discussed in the fic is a major squick of mine. the one exception i make for kidfics is for kids already existent in canon and even then it depends, but no babies or children otherwise please.

future fics/time skips in general, actually. what i enjoy is the relationship development, so huge time skips make me feel like we missed way too much

angst is... mrrmf. it really depends on how it’s done, but usually it feels like it’s angst for the sake of angst instead of giving the fic some actual meat.  as a result of this, i’d pass at least on most content with major character death, sexual abuse, self-harm, gender/sexuality angst, the like. beyond that, feel free to go ahead!

hard AUs are a bit ugh to me. by this i mean AUs that rely heavily on setting, such as high school AUs, harry potter AUs, that sort of thing. i DO however enjoy stuff like soulmate AUs and alternate canon AUs, depending on the concept and on the fandom. more details in their own sections if you enjoy writing those!

i heavily dislike things involving cheating/infidelity, sickfics, and genderbending of any kind is a bit ehhhh for me, as are concepts such as ABO. hard pass on stuff like dysphoria and deep diving into mental illnesses and disorders, too.

script-based or roleplay fic is not really my preferred format, i really enjoy prose instead of nearly all dialogue!

stuff with bigotry in general, racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, etc as well as discussions of it is a pass in general. it’s not a HUGE squick but i’d rather not see it if possible

discussions and thoughts on gender/sexuality. if you’re gonna make them gay/bi/etc, make them gay/bi/etc, no exploration of it added. delving into the psyche of it is a hard pass.

--

if you’re going for nsfw

kinks

moderate sadomasochism, uncommon forms of bondage (plants, stuck with strange substance or in awkward position, the shadows from p&tf as restraints, etc), choking/breathplay, xenophilia and tentacles/alien genitals (shadowplay in p&tf for example), moderate degradation, edging/desperation play, ladies topping and calling the shots, bloodplay/knifeplay, long hair dragging over skin, sharp nails/claws (charlotte la bouff, morticia), lowkey cannibalism imagery and hunger, biting, ladies stepping on body parts with their heels on

squicks

scat, vomit, praise kink, daddy/mommy or baby kink, vore, forced feminization, pet play, wound-fucking, abuse, abo, anything involving pregnancy at all

--

PRINCESS AND THE FROG

i am 100% aware this is a weird-ass pairing but gods, the possibilities. it has so much potential. there are few things i like quite as much as a villain and a good person developing a strange sort of kinship with each other >u> this doesn’t have to mean a romantic development, if it’s not your thing! as i said, for me it’s the building understanding and reluctant respect that i really love, far more than the actual romance.

ideas, ideas, ideas. i’m aware this is a rare relationship to either portray or ask for, so i’m gonna try to give some more concrete-ish ones for you to build up on if you have no clue as to how to approach this. 

we could have canonverse with charlotte dealing with the shadowman in some other, unrelated matter while the main plot is occurring, making him feel somewhat guilty about the whole marriage plot with laurence-turned-naveen. cue introspection, or even an entirely different outcome.

or a post-canon sort of hades&persephone plot (please no actual hades and persephone au though), with charlotte curious despite herself and tempted to listen to a shadow/dead/whatever!dr facilier when she’s the only one that can hear him.

in a continuation from above, OR her being dragged Beneath with him in a freak accident and then charming him into helping her back to the surface/living world (very, veeeeery reluctantly on his part, at least at the start, he might have even be thinking of tricking her but then change his mind when the time comes to do it).

i think dr facilier wouldn’t be sure how to deal with charlotte’s particular brand of personality and good humour, and it’d throw him off his rhythm a lot - that sort of thing is always super fun to write.

soulmate au in canon would work pretty well, but with this pairing? you could even do a FULL AU, keeping only basic stuff like the shadowman thing to her normal bougie self; it’s one of her charms. (and their personalities, of course). stuff like charlotte thinking that she wants one thing (her prince-slash-one-true-love, etc) while keeping getting drawn to him time and time again could work on pretty much any era or setting. vice-versa for him, thinking he wants to be rid of her but coming to realize he’d actually miss her if she were to be gone. OR, charlotte deciding she wants this sullen manipulative bastard and manipulating HIM into taking her out and hanging out with her would be hilarious.

if you wanna do nsfw, i have only one major request: charlotte calling the shots/topping. i think this arrangement would be in character for both of them (dr facilier would prob also enjoy having someone else do all the work lol) considering her go-getter attitude, but keeping in mind his manipulative personality i’d be more comfortable if she had some control over what was happening. ASIDE FROM THAT, d’you know what would be fun? a little darkness, and by that i mean consider dr facilier’s shadow joining in on the fun. shadows would also be an interesting sort of constraint. also i know i said charlotte calling the shots, but she can be constrained by the shadows while being amused by it or being used to it (implying it’s not the first time that they’ve used it in bed play and that it’s therefore negotiated), or charlotte could team up with the shadow to do it to facilier instead. charlotte using her nails and facilier being a bit of a sub/masochist would be excellent!

(actually in general it’d be really fun if there was some complicity between charlotte and facilier’s shadow in general, nsfw or otherwise. the shadow being wrapped around her little finger is an excellent concept, especially if facilier isn’t too fond of her just yet OwO)

--

THE ADDAMS FAMILY

oh boy. let me just begin by saying that this really isn’t my usual kind of pairing, by sheer virtue of them being perfectly happy and established in canon. HOWEVER, they’re goth and they’re odd and they’re kinky and they’re delightful to watch interact (i’m familiar with the movie canon featuring anjelica and raúl and a few (few!) of the comics, so idk about other dynamics) and so they’ve managed to creep their way into my blackened little heart.

THAT BEING SAID, my absolute biggest wish for this fandom would be pre-relationship. i don’t mind if canon is twisted a bit for this, considering that they presumably met and proposed on the very same day, so it’s definitely a bit hard to work with. perhaps some shenanigans with the funeral itself? or gomez has a date/fiancée already and so there’s some juggling of priorities here while he’s absolutely falling over himself in order to continue looking at that gothic vision of a woman? or an old family feud, or them just being downright useless at knowing how to deal with proper romance (on morticia’s side, i’d imagine she’d only grow more stoic and be at a loss of what to say. on gomez’s side, it’s probably his first time being speechless, or he’s not speechless but he’s flirted so much in his life that he doesn’t know what to do with these actual literal feelings, what the hell is this and how does he show he actually means it this time??), or morticia has a long string of dead fiancés black widow-style (i think she and debbie would have gotten along great if given the chance okay), or a soulmate au where they don’t realize it’s each other right away, or morticia amusedly pretends to be dating gomez before they know each other to get him out of a bind, or they’re somehow roped into someone else’s shenanigans and don’t know how to react to each other (my money is on either ophelia or cousin itt putting them in a bind), the sky is the limit!

if you’re more comfortable writing established, however, casual intimacy or smut are the best! give me a moment of respite where they are just comfortable basking in each other’s presence, or when they’re separated for a moment at an event or something and the longing is burning all the way across them until they come back together again (y’know, in the good old way of the script). for smut, morticia being a mostly stoic dom maybe? (though yes, i know she’s very much into being tied up and tortured, i can’t really see her as a normal sub unless it’s really something languid and drawn-out - she doesn’t really read as someone who spends a lot of energy doing things others will do for her). they’re both definitely into pain and bondage too; morticia conflating arousal with hunger would also be really interesting to see (think praying mantis or lady spider who is actually very invested on not taking off her partner’s head, but who dreams of it all the same. gomez is, of course, very much into it). something lowkey macabre would be amazing.

things i’d like to see for this fandom in general are:

morticia being her stoic vampiric goddess of a self

gomez being completely twitterpatted for her as usual

burning sultry glares/staring across the room

overly passionate hand-kissing

creepy/gothic atmosphere

you know, like canon. (with non-existent or minimal kid existence, though)

references to horror stuff/general creepiness like sudden lightning, casual poisonings and dealings with death, dracula references, etc, like the movies would be super fun, as campy as possible! half the greatness of the movies come from these imho

--

MONSTROUS REGIMENT

i have a confession to make: it’s been a while since i last read it, and so i fear i won’t be as helpful in giving ideas/dynamics for this fandom as i was in the others. 

i have one request - apart from what i’ve already rambled on about above - and that is for at least polly to be portrayed as female (or close enough, although not quite non-binary). to make it clearer: i usually see them both as female, even if not female-presenting (it’s funny because as i was writing this i actually kept writing about maladict as “he” so frankly it’s whatever, i definitely prefer “maladict” to “maladicta” at least in terms of names though) but chaffing to fit the roles that “female” comes along with, especially with maladict and the expectations for female vampires. i’d rather the fic not have gender or sexuality exploration, since like i said above i think it detracts from the meat of the stuff - if you want to see maladict as male, write him male with male pronouns (keeping the female vampire backstory if you’re keeping it canon, otherwise it wouldn’t really make sense). if you want to make her female, write her female with female pronouns. i’d pass on they/them pronouns though. i don’t particularly care either way outside of polly however, just don’t delve into the psyche/introspection of it please.

if you have different views on their genders and it would make you uncomfortable to write female polly or non-they/them maladict, then that’s fine with me as well! these are just my preferences, and i thought i’d elaborate on them since the fandom has many perspectives on this topic. 

with that out of the way, on to more interesting stuff!

what’s good: their interactions. oh dear loki, their interactions. they have my favourite dynamic in the whole book, and they’re weirdly comfortable with each other (especially since polly lowkey threatens maladict after kicking the other dude in the nads, in my view that moment probably got his undead little heart skipping a beat (do vampires have beating hearts on discworld? i haven’t read enough discworld to remember this)) and they understand each other the best out of the rest of the squad. maladict teasing polly and pretending to be cool before polly catches on to him is absolutely hilarious, and i absolutely love maladict trying (and failing!! horribly!!) at being smooth. also polly blackmailing people left and right is absolutely fantastic.

as you can probably guess, i’d love some canon-verse interactions. perhaps alternate scenes or what-ifs of canon events, or even extra scenes during the ongoing plot of the book. OR, post-book, once they have their own squad of little lads and have to figure out how the hell to handle that, or shenanigans where they have some sort of mission or official event elsewhere and resolutely stick together because “if i have to deal with this then so do you”. or some hilarity with maladict desperately going after every coffee grain available so he doesn’t just bury his face on polly’s neck because she smells so good but that would be an awkward conversation to have and he’d rather die (again) than admit to that. 

what else? AUs! feel free to completely tear apart the canon discworld, though i’d request polly remain her ass-kicking clever self and maladict an awkward vampire. maybe maladict has to deal with diaphanous underwired nightgowns. maybe polly has to deal with diaphanous underwired nightgowns. vampire politics? satirical awkward dracula au? maladict failing horribly at being a vampire (failing at being a female vampire or trying to pass at being a male vampire and failing at that, too)? they’re all great! 

what matters to me is their banter and the way they keep falling into pace with each other, regardless of the way they begin. a good dose of sardonical pratchett-style humour would also be welcome ;)

--

thank you so much for staying with me this far! i hope you have a grand time this yuletide, and that you enjoy your own requested fic as well!

[gem-marie-blog1]

So What Now?

One of the most difficult challenges to our current situation is finding some sort of balance between work, family and illness.  For me it has been very difficult to focus on my career in the way I once did.  I used to be over the moon about real estate.  As a matter of fact when I first got into the business we discovered right away that I have a natural talent and ability for this particular career.  It was as if I had found my calling.  I was even the number 3 agent in all of the Remax Mountain States division prior to our move to Utah.  That was a pretty big deal considering the size of some of the markets I was competing with.  I am a great Realtor. Factor in chronic illness, however, and things begin to take on a different light.  Attitudes shift, confidence is lost and perspective begins to change.  Everything in life is overshadowed by pain and fatigue to the point that it is difficult to feel overly excited or motivated toward anything.  Add in brain fog and I am a recipe for unemployment. How do I not only beat Lyme disease, but effectively get myself back to real life?  I NEED to be a real estate agent.  I actually loved it before I got sick.  Like seriously, it was all I ever talked about.  I am sure I drove people nuts.  I need to get that fire back! I do not have the luxury of being a stay at home mommy blogger.  LOL! Somehow I have to wrap my head back around doing the hard and not as fun part of the job which is to cold call and build new clientele.  Anyone who is in any type of direct sales should be able to relate to this.  It is the least glamorous or enjoyable part of my profession.  But it is a necessary evil.  Not an easy one to undertake when you feel like absolute garbage every single day.  The challenging part is that it is a numbers game.  One must get rejected many many times prior to ever hearing anyone say yes.  It does not matter how good your pitch nor how competent a sales person you are, everyone gets more no's than yes'.  It is simply the nature of the beast.  Well, when you are in constant, excruciating, pain it is difficult to add one more negative thing on top.  It is nearly unbearable to repeatedly speak to people who aren't necessarily the most excited to hear from you (that may be putting it mildly) over and over again, when you already, literally feel as if you may be dying.  If your mindset is not strong, the repeated rejection can break you.  This consistent pain has seriously affected my mindset.  Seriously. It is just not within my capacity right now to add insult to injury. So, what is the solution?   This is what I am trying to figure out.  Do I start looking at a career change?  This blog is certainly not going to pay the bills.  So, now what? There has to be a way to get me back to where I was.  But how? Brent and I had a very candid conversation yesterday about the many facets of the challenges we are currently facing.  He has the weight of the word on his shoulders right now as he is the only one prospecting for new business and is doing other work on the side to supplement our income until I can get myself straightened out.  It is an unfair burden that has been placed upon him.   Unfortunately, I am just too sick and too beat up emotionally to be my best self.  My sales person persona is not a hat I am able to wear presently.  It takes a certain type of mustard that Lyme disease is currently robbing me of.  This makes the future feel extremely uncertain and very scary.  I am faced with the reality that if I cannot turn this around and soon, my family will suffer the consequences.  It will completely change our entire way of life.  I do not want that for them.  It is bad enough that they have to deal with a sick mother who cannot do all of the fun stuff with them anymore.  I cannot allow them to lose the opportunity to attend their awesome school or have to move, or really to lose anything else at all.  It is not fair.  They did not ask to have a sick mother.  I have got to get myself well and back to work.  NOW! I wish it were that easy.  I wish I could just turn it around and be well and able to think clearly and able to go make cold calls for 3 hours a day and able to go give my best sales pitch and make things happen like I used to.  I wanna be able to hustle again! Lyme has stolen my joy and my thunder. I don't really get excited about anything anymore.  I am just existing.  Just trying to maintain.  Just trying not to crack up day to day.  Pain makes you crazy.  It's making me question everything.  How much longer can I do this?  What should I do about it?  Will tomorrow be better/worse?  Will my children resent me?  Am I still competent to do my job?  Will my marriage survive this trial?  Will they find a cure in my lifetime?  How can I make some money soon?  Can I cure myself?  Should I have said that?  What if I did this?  Is it time for antibiotics?  Should I be on pain killers?  What about addiction?  What if this never goes away?  How much more pain can I stand?  What if I get worse?  Could I get worse?  How much worse could this even get? Who is reading this rambling blog of mine? Questions, questions, questions.... I truly wish that I could quell this constant bombardment of thought.  Of course, my little example above merely scratches the surface.  I will not share some of the deeper and darker thoughts that are a part of that never ending reel.  It plays constantly on a loop.  It is maddening.  It must stop. I am still striving to do the healthy things everyday that I can do to heal and get back to a somewhat normal existence.  But, when you have to take a hot bath at 10:00am because you cannot bear the pain of simply being upright, it does not inspire much hope.   I am scared. What if none of what I am doing is going to change things. What if this is just my life now? Man, that is bleak.   I am so sorry that this ended up being such a negative post, friends.  I really try hard to spin some positivity into this whole mess as much as I possibly can.  Somedays are just harder than others.  Sometimes reality slaps you way too hard in the face and you have no choice but to just be honest about the fact that everything is not comping up roses.  That's ok.  I know we will figure this out.  I just know it.  I just don't exactly know how yet.   Please keep us in your prayers. Thanks again for reading. Hopefully my next post will be a little brighter. Now... I am off to juice and take a detox bath and start moving onto doing some good things for myself today.  I may be feeling a little beat down at the moment.  But... I WILL NOT GIVE UP!!   I WILL WIN!!