#this is a bit heavy

[kommandonuovidiavoli]

Fight

[TW: depression, intrusive thoughts, entomophobia, suicide]

[angeart]

Oh...oh Rei did a baaaaaaad.... Oh but he's still hurting from that himself isn't he? While people are trying to punish him... And he has to look out for Raven when he's not okay himself... (not that him hurting forgives the toxic things but that is still some hefty guilt right there)

Yessssss tell me more about this universe's Raven!

-🎀

yes, rei’s hurting <3 and it doesn’t fix or apologise or make anything better. fyi, the girlfriend incident happened about five years ago to the current raven’s events! 

it’s not the only bad thing rei’s caused, but… let’s circle back again and talk about rei’s raven and their life. 

//cw for suicide mention.

even when they were little, rei and raven were pretty different. raven was a sweet, sensitive boy who unintentionally drew all the affection to himself. he didn’t ask for it, it was just unconditionally given to him on the merit of his bright, friendly, easy personality. the adorable clumsiness and need for help. the gentle heart. basically, he was spoiled and beloved by all.

rei was the opposite. he didn’t know how to express his wants or ask for things, he wasn’t good at expressing his emotions, and never seemed particularly social. unlike raven, who was perceived as someone who thrived on and needed love, rei was deemed “independent enough not to need love or attention”, which led him to feel overlooked and neglected.

despite this, rei and raven used to have a good relationship, a tight sibling bond, for a good couple of years. but over the time, rei’s internal struggle started wedging a knife between them.

they were twins, but rei never felt seen. like i said before, he always felt like he had to fight for things. for scraps. he went down bad routes because they let him scream out his soul. the literal fights were a cry for help, littered with bruises and wounds that he pretended never hurt. 

without being sure there were going to be gentle hands to catch and hold him, he couldn’t afford to be weak.

where raven grew timid and quiet—the good, perfect kid—rei had temperament and zero idea how to control it (or even why he should bother to). he was prone to outbursts and anger and frustration. he wanted to be seen, and, at the end of it, he craved attention—no matter if good or bad. which led him to lashing out and rebelling, which only led to less love and more scoldings and disappointment aimed is way, leaving him feeling alienated and wrong.

when him and raven talked together, sometimes it went okay, sometimes it was a disaster. often it was raven trying to be a moral compass for rei, trying to (mostly) gently steer him and bring him to his senses, but rei interpreted it as condescension and dismissed it all with a scoff.

they grew older, continuing on this diverging path, hurtling further away from each other. 

raven never wanted this distance between them. it wasn’t always this complicated. it wasn’t always this hurtful. he didn’t know what he’s doing wrong, why rei seems to hate him. 

here’s the thing. in a way, they both sort of never formed attachments: 

raven craved the bond he used to have with rei, but translated his brother’s attitude as a rejection, making him think he’s not worthy. he felt like he couldn’t have relationships with anyone unless he has one with his brother in the first place. (otherwise, it felt like a betrayal of rei, like a cheap replacement to fill the hollow part of his soul where his twin should be.) 

rei, on the other hand, felt like nobody could love him, because raven “steals all the love away”, placing the blame in all the wrong places. he got into habit of pushing people away and acting tough, layer upon layer of pretense until he was not capable of getting close to anybody. he was terrified of gaining something only to have it all taken away, put into better hands (that were never his). he was scared of having everything sucked out of him, so he hid and pretended and fought.

then the whole Girlfriend Incident happened, on that wretched cliffside.

rei took it badly, shocked and shaken. despite his behaviour, he never wanted to bring harm to anyone but himself. yet here he was, plagued with nightmares and unable to breathe through the rampaging guilt that only seemed to prove that he is a bad person, that everyone was right—

he pushed it down. tried, desperately, to pretend that nothing was wrong. 

he couldn’t stand losing control, however illusionary it was. 

raven called out his bluff, noticing something is wrong. because for all the years rei felt invisible, raven never stopped paying attention to him. but rei just buried it deep down and kept lashing out and pushing people away even more, including raven. 

by this point, raven put a lot of attention on rei, but rei never noticed. he was too blind to it, too wrapped up in the way he perceived things to work, shackled by self-pity and guilt and outside expectations.

this was a fight raven couldn’t keep fighting for him. he grew exhausted, because he, too, wasin pain. rei put so much blame on him, all of rei’s life was “going wrong” because of raven—or so it seemed, so he made it sound. and that was a heavy burden to bear! 

raven was aware of rei’s hidden pain, and without being offered any other explanations or alternatives, he recognised himself as the source of it.  and… he didn’t want rei to be hurting. he  didn’t want to be this burden ruining everything for his brother. maybe if he wasn’t in the equation… if he’s such an obstacle in rei’s life, causing all that struggle and suffering, maybe if he was gone, rei could get better and be happy and—

without answers, raven started to believe he’s responsible for rei’s misery. his idea was that they were both only halves, but instead of complementing each other, they destroy each other, and while they both live, neither of them can really live.

this all built up, in quiet, dark recesses of raven's soul, until one day, he stood at the edge of the cliff.

oddly enough, the exactly same cliff as the incident before.

rei got there too late, but not late enough to miss it. he was forced to witness it, helpless to stop it.

raven’s last words, as he cried and looked to rei, were, “i need you.” 

which is exactly what rei was trying to get his girlfriend to say, months ago.

he wanted someone to need him, and here was a person who so achingly needed him, and rei never saw it. he failed him. he— 

he couldn’t stop this.

raven toppled, fell into the waves, and died.

he drowned.

and rei,

well,

rei screamed.

he couldn’t bear it.

and his soul tore the world apart to fix it.

because raven needed him.

[sevrinve]

comfy casual firelord

[hinamie]

i don't normally participate in these redraw challenges but it's megumi so i'll make an exception

[gophergal]

It's really a coin toss which he means

(edit November 2024: please look at my newer tf2 art im begging this cant be my legacy)

[bluegiragi]

debrief.

early access + nsfw on patreon

[niinnyu]

No going and associating my presence with guilt pls thanks >:)

[olessan]

The Rings of Power 2x08: Shadow and Flame

"My place is here. You know it is." "And where is mine? If not with you?"

[kyurochurro]

troubles that come with tribbles...

(aka a good excuse to draw one of my fav episodes and fav crew members while coming back from a heavy week at uni ;D)

[quimiri]

teamfortes :)

[parisoonic]

sunday mornings are the best 🌅

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

All cards on the table.

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