#this has taken me about 2 hours to answer because of the conversation i've been having in the background about elmo

[stupidlittlespirit]

Cutie patootie again 🥺🥺

Lmao I'm sorry I'm always bringing Ford discourse but like !!!!! You're one of the only people online who like sees the bad in every character!! So many fans have been saying how Stanley has never done wrong and fuck Ford but like it's only cause Stanley is a guy who shows very obviously he loves his family and we got 2 whole seasons with the guy

This is probably why I really am hoping Alex gets the go ahead with a sequel! Stan and Ford show to flesh out their relationship more. Like I know Stanford really shows his feelings in the journal but I swear most of people's literacy is fucking dead 😭😭😭 showing will probably be a lot better than telling

I guess I feel really bad for Ford cause he's a victim who isn't uwu I am traumatized. Like there's NOTHING wrong with traumatized people being very teary eyed and soft spoken individuals. Fuck it honestly that's me to a fucking t. But other victims are rude and they do get angry easily. Ford reminds me a lot of Steven from the Haunting of Hill House. They just express their grief and trauma in a much more anger and sarcastic emotional response than others. And like it pretty much confirms in the Book of Bill that Stanford was gonna keep the book a secret also!! He says at first it's to protect his family but later admits it's because he still feels shame in having Bill trick him. In believing all of his lies. He still feels shame for almost causing the apocalypse and letting his pride separate from his brother for 40 years at this point!! Idk idk I'm rambling again but I honestly really love characters like Ford that show that victims don't always act the same but they deserve just as much respect and love all the same. They deserve a second chance and they deserve to be happy. 💜

No it's okay anon! I love having these conversations! I'm sorry it took me so long to answer, I've been really busy.

I have no idea if any of this makes sense but I hope it does because it's taken me like 2 and a half hours to write....

TL;DR - In my opinion, the entire show is about cycles of abuse. Ford and Stan are both imperfect victims for different reasons. They suffered abuse differently. Don't look at and judge them from the place that they start at: Do it from where they end up.

TW: Abuse, suicide, discussion of personal irl abuse.

All below the cut:

You're right about us having more information to work with with Stan v. Ford, but I also think people have a tendency to put Stan on a pedestal because he is, ultimately, the more relatable twin. Not many people are on Ford's wavelength in the sense of intelligence (I'm certainly not) and I would venture to say not many people fell through a portal and spent 30 thirty years in different dimensions running from/trying to defeat their arch enemy....

Alongside that, the twins experienced abuse and reacted to it very differently, and it can be hard to examine those differences fairly, and to see why both types are as bad as the other, especially because one is more obvious and likeable than the other.

They remind me a LOT of my familial situation in interchangeable ways.

My life ran parallel to Stan's for a long time (ironically enough Gravity Falls came out when I'd just been kicked out of home) and I had a sibling who was the 'golden child' for my family. I was the screw up black sheep and they were the one with potential.

That designation is neither mine nor my sibling's fault. It's the fault of my family for putting those labels on two kids who really had no chance, right from the day we were born, but who were forced to adopt them regardless. I think Stan and Ford are the same.

Where I suffered more direct abuse (physical, psychological etc) because I was reactive and was left in the firing line as the scapegoat (Stan), my sibling was held close by my parents and 'protected' because they were seen as well behaved and offered my parents what they wanted: Someone to control and push for success (Ford). They were still abusing my sibling, just in a different way.

I spiralled and went on to live a life where I was only ever in danger and at risk. I made my peace very early on in life (I think maybe before I was about 10?) that the people who were supposed to love me unconditionally, couldn't stand me, valued me as lesser than my sibling, and didn't want me. But I wanted to Be Somebody and prove my value and worth to everyone else to make up for that, which meant I fell into the wrong hands and did all I could to try and be that ideal for others in the hopes they wouldn't see me as my parents did.

I separated from my family early and went off alone, despite really always being alone, and was 'okay' with that (spoiler, I was not!). I also suffered abuse in the way Ford did and my sibling in the way Stan did to varying degrees too. We're all rarely aligned with one specific character because abuse is, unfortunately, incredible versatile.

My sibling, however, stayed with my mother (our whole family abused us, but I'll stick with parents now because it's most relevant. Our parents divorced when we were young and my dad was our 'primary abuser', but only because he was more blatant with it) and my sibling went to an excellent school because my family saw their potential and submissiveness as an opportunity. A meal ticket.

Their career and life was facilitated because I suppose my family also wanted them to 'make up for me' and get the kid they'd always wanted out of my sibling, which is a lot of pressure to put on a child. They went on to be successful (still are, I'm very proud of them) whereas I couldn't/can't keep a stable job and turned to sex work to survive (there is nothing wrong with sex work blah blah but being forced into it at a young age does have negative consequences, no matter what anyone says).

My sibling was emotionally and psychologically manipulated but also treated in a way that could be misconstrued as being loved. I would think that for them, that was hard to understand that that wasn't truly the case. I think Ford was the same in that respect, especially when he craves acceptance so much.

Those are both types of abuse but in different ways. My sibling lives with the guilt and shame of being 'the one who didn't get it as bad', and can't quite accept that they were never really loved (which is embarrassing to admit and I think/hope they will come to terms with that one for their own sake), and I live with the childish resentment of them being 'the one my parents never wanted' and with the absolute hatred of how unfairly I was treated by people who were supposed to love me unconditionally.

You can see where this is going, right?

Stan and Ford suffered equally in that same way, all throughout their lives in varying ways, and in my other response to you we talked more in depth about how Ford specifically was manipulated his entire life. I think Ford was made to be responsible at a young age and forced to carry this weight on his shoulders, and then as an adult had that insecurity worsened and coaxed by Bill.

Stan deep down knew his father hated him, and despite still wanting his love, eventually knew he wasn't going to get it. I mean, no one even came to his fake funeral for god's sake. Image how that must feel?

Stan grew to spot the signs of abuse and avoid it to the best of his ability. He was still vulnerable of course, but he was more street smart and clued up after a while. He didn't fall for Bill's flattery because he looked at Bill and saw his father. He recognised abuse.

Me and my sibling are the same.

Now, because of the differences in our abuse, my sibling and I turned out to be very different people. They still interact with my family (although they don't enjoy it but do so out of a sense of guilt and duty, and that they have to take care of them). I have nothing to do with any of them because fuck 'em.

I'm very emotional and can be unstable or rude (I have BPD), but love deeply and am sometimes overtly considerate of other people's feelings to my detriment because no cared about mine. I struggle with needing to be loved and being a chameleon who adapts their personality to those around them in order to be most liked and maximise that. I don't have a real identity, just the one I craft in the moment. I even worked/work in sales because having that ability makes it easy to pick up on people's emotional state and manipulate it, for better or worse. I have also done bad things and been cruel to others, I've also had an inflated ego and sometimes still do. I'm the Stan, for the most part, but I've experienced Bill-like abuse too and been the Ford.

My sibling can be spiteful and often acts like the things that happened me didn't actually happen the way I think they did and they minimise my feelings. They struggle to apologise and also behave in a way that is similar to my abusers, but I don't believe they do that maliciously. I think they don't know any better and haven't had the space to mature and come to terms with that. They have a bit of an ego, too. They're the Ford, mostly.

(This isn't to say I'm none of those things, because I can be and my sibling can be all the things I am at times)

I have to remember that they're still in contact with our abusers and were heavily manipulated against me growing up. They still get the Wormtongue treatment, as we said about Ford. They're still affected. They are also the only person I still see because we're in this together and they genuinely love me (as I do them). They're funny and cool and they love as deeply as I do.

My sibling and I, and Stan and Ford, were both raised in the same barn and we're from the same stock; of course we have the traits of our parents. It would be impossible not to. My sibling and I just learn to smother those parts as best we can as we mature and the process of doing so never really ends. I would say I'm a little better at it than my sibling is, but I'm also older and realised my abuse far sooner than they did. I've had longer to come to terms with it, like Stan did.

Stan was aware of his father's abuse much earlier and although I think he struggled to accept it, he eventually realised much sooner than his brother that he was being abused.

Ford wasn't able to mature because he was so busy working and then surviving. He eventually was forced to come to terms with his abuse by both Bill and by others, and it must have sucked to have that realisation so late in life. I have another family member that that exact thing happened to, and the shame we all feel at being taken advantage like that is immense. That's why post-portal Ford is so different in my mind. It breaks or makes you and it is very embarrassing to accept.

But both of them exacted their resentment and sadness and insecurities out on others: Stan literally scammed people out of their money because he wanted to be rich and committed other crimes That's a really bad thing to do!

Yes, Ford was manipulative and tough on others because he'd been taught to be, and I think he truly believed in his youth that he "turned out fine!" (a favourite one-liner of mine from people who are in denial about their abuse) because he couldn't accept it.

It was wrong of both of them to do the things they did, and there is no excuse for it, but we can understand where that behaviour came from if we examine them both fairly.

What matters is that eventually both Stan and Ford matured into people who recognised why they were in the wrong. They stopped that cycle of abuse by finding love and forgiving one another, and by finding their their family.

Stan and Ford were able to redeem themselves. They both have a plethora of faults but an absolute encyclopedia of positives, too. It just took them a long time to unlearn and they have to continue to unlearn those until they die.

All victims are imperfect victims because there's no such thing as a perfect one. Victims carry shame, victims can be aggressive, victims can repeat the mistakes of their abusers no matter how much they think they don't. Maybe they don't respond to their trauma 'the way that they should' (which is bullshit, by the way. There is no right or wrong way to be a victim).

When I suffered (a different, non family related) major trauma, I wasn't believed (by that same friend I talked about in the other ask) because I hadn't, in their opinion, reacted in the way I supposed to react. I wasn't sad enough or traumatised enough, when in actual fact I was all of those things but was too ashamed and afraid to show it to others until it got so bad that I couldn't hold it in anymore. I protected myself through jokes and being blasé about it.

Ford is a great example of a more obvious imperfect victim. He is a product of his environment and he protects his vulnerabilities with egoism. The most egotistical of us are the most insecure.

Stan is also an imperfect victim, just more obviously so. He was portrayed from the start as likeable and funny, but he is the same as his brother.

Initially Stan was as cantankerous and mean as he was silly, remember. But he changed over time. We get to see the toll his abuse took on him because he learned to come to terms with that shame and told the audience about it through his actions and behaviours. We actually saw his backstory in detail and saw how he learned to love the kids. We saw his vulnerability whereas Ford refuses to and struggles to lower that guard and show his soft spots.

Ford is portrayed in a very specific light that I think does him an injustice at times and contributes to the misunderstanding of his personality.

Ford's vulnerability is hard for him to reveal (to those around him and the audience) because he couldn't afford to be vulnerable during his time in the portal or with Bill. Vulnerability kills when you're not showing it to the right people and when he did show his vulnerable side to Bill (he didn't have the answers he thought he was so capable of having and had to swallow that bitter pill and ask for help), he was betrayed and hurt really awfully.

Ford then went on the exact same journey Stan did when Stan was kicked out of home, except Ford was 30 plus and in an interdimensional nightmare instead of the USA. They both suffered. (And also, the US might as well have been a different dimension for Stan at his young age because it was just a foreign to him as space was to Ford. Earth is cruel no matter where you are).

Anyway.... All of that is to say, nobody comes out of abuse clean.

Some of us become unlikeable and unfriendly, and sometimes even abusive ourselves. A lot of us learn to survive in any way we can and sometimes that is at the detriment of others.

But what really matters is how we unlearn those behaviours and how we grow.

Don't look at and judge Ford or Stan from the place that they start: Do it from where they end up.

I'd also like to add that just because you might be a dick, it doesn't mean you deserve to be abused and I see a lot of people say that Ford deserved what he got, and that pisses me off so fucking badly.

Again: disclaimer these are just my own feelings do not come for me thank u

[queenharumiura]

Meet the mun. Basics

NAME:  Neo

PRONOUNS:  She/her

PREFERENCE OF COMMUNICATION: Discord > Asks > Replies on posts = Tumblr IM

SINGLE / TAKEN: Taken

— three facts

I have an excel document where I keep track of all art that I've purchased/commissioned since 2021 because that's when my huge craze for collecting art from artists I like started. I did this to really put into perspective how bad my 'nochillitis' gets. I've--- spent a lot on dA artists lol. (don't get me started on gacha games)

If anyone knows Prince of Tennis, I have all of the 'Valentine Day Kiss' songs. Wouldn't you know that they keep releasing a new one every year? I collect them!

I don't know how accurate it is because I was doing it in my car and people were walking around so I got nervous but, according to singingcarrots, My lowest singing note is a F#3 and my highest is a D6.

— experience

I believe I've been rp'ing for about 16-17 years? I think only 7 years on tumblr.

— sub-genres

Tbh I don't understand what this means. KHR has a bit of crack humor to it, which appeals to my troll heart. It's easy to do wholesome fluffy things with Haru as well as it is to do angst. IDK if that answers the question.

— plots vs memes

Mmm... so I'm fine with winging threads and seeing where things go, but plotting things out usually does retain attention for both sides. Memes are fun, even if I tend to write them as if they are standalone things. Some memes are fine to be continued- but the drabble ones usually aren't. I do always make sure to specify that somewhere, either in tags or in the response itself.

If I had to say, I have a stronger preference to plots since it's easier to cater things to your muse. Memes are something I throw onto the dash when I have the time or in the mood for it. I don't have the best relationship with the inbox, so I personally don't have a good association with memes in general.

— long or short replies

Depends on the definition. I'm honestly not very good with sentence threads, and I will often slowly veer into paragraph territory. I tried sentence threads before, but that's when I was hit with 2 word responses- which is why it's in my rules to never give me 2 word replies. It became a peeve of mine.

The shortest I can go is probably a paragraph. The longest... I think to date may have been something between 1.5-2k words? I write whatever feels right for me in the moment, and I honestly don't mind however much or little my partner wants to write.

I can however be asked to keep my replies within a certain length (ie 3 paragraphs) and i'll adhere to that. 8)

— best time to write

Any time i'm not distracted with youtube/discord I tend to be more active in the afternoon to late evening hours. As for chatting, I tend to prefer hours 10am-4pm because it feels like it's still early in the day that I can afford to be distracted with conversations. After that, I do try to stay away from discord if I can so I can focus on writing.

If I have nothing to work on, then any hour of the day i'm awake is a good time to talk.

Stole from: @whiskeysmulti

Tagging: I don't tag, but I can if you'd like me to.

[wishbowl]

𝕾𝖑𝖊𝖊𝖕

My sleep has gotten significantly better since I ‘quit’ pot, well I didn't but I do smoke a whole lot less…and by significantly better I mean I’ve gotten sleep.

Also, I've actually started dreaming again, mind you they are mostly nightmares but they are SO fucked up to the point where I realize I'm in a dream so I just do something so out of pocket that I just wake up. Also, nightmares or maybe reality itself has become so numbing that I no longer wake up from them scared and shaky, i usually just roll over and reach for my vape and scroll through reels until the ick wears off. And then if it was interesting enough I'd open up the notes app and write about it.

Again, HUGE emphasis on better sleep because to a regular person, it's probably not close to a normal amount of hours but I've been trying.

And when I do get to sleep I don't seem to do it consistently as in I wake up multiple times a night. 

I don't know when exactly my sleep got so bad or better yet, when exactly it was that I had ‘good’ sleep because I honestly don't know the answer to either of those questions.

I've been trying to cut back on caffeine at least after a certain point in the day. Mind you it's not exactly 2 pm like the doctors advised you to but still an improvement from 3 am sips off of old monster cans because you can't be bothered to get up to get water from the kitchen. 

I know sometimes it's the case of the book being too good to put down but that whole reading a book before bed thing is actually usually a good idea (or at least a better one than being on your fucking glowing rectangle).

Also just listening to an audiobook or a headspace thing or even just blank noise while you read will probably also help do the trick and maybe I should get back into all of that.

I want to have good sleep, and to get to sleep and to wake up from it energized would it be pushing it if I say be excited to start my day?

Every single family member seems to shove the word meditation in your face whenever the topic of sleep, or more so the lack thereof is brought up. The idea of meditation scares me.

I'm so terrified of facing my thoughts that is why I like reading as it's the perfect form of escapism. 

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've written on this and taken a few days to marinate with this information even had a semi-normal parent-to-child conversation about it and they softened somewhat helpful suggestions… of course, some of them will not be tried and tested like the MILK because I fucking hate milk, but I will take up mothers offer to ask for an appointment about the nightmares.

THAT and having a schedule, well more so a nightly routine as the girlies call it. I think 10 pm is a decent time to start my night routine and doesn't sound as insane as brushing my teeth at 9 pm. 

I think it doesnt have to be complicated necessarily but brushing my teeth braiding my hair and putting on comfy socks sounds like a good enough start for me. That and reading and we shall see how it goes.

[byemizumikahago]

Is it possible for the victims who received explicit material from mizumi while underaged to file a police report or take legal action? If so, I strongly suggest it.

I got this question a while ago, and I've been thinking about it ever since. I thought about how to respond, but I never could think of the right way to say this. I knew if I said something too positive that, if the eventual outcome wasn't as good as I promised it'd be, it would've gotten people's hopes up for no reason, and just causes more hurt than good.

On the flipside, however, I knew that if I said something too negative, it would probably just make a lot of people pretty depressed. And it'd probably discourage people from ever trying to take action, or make things better, because "what's the point if it's just gonna be a fruitless effort in the end?"

I thought about just not answering this ask for a while, but I also thought that I should answer, because this brings up an important conversation topic about online predators and how shitty our real world laws are at protecting victims/preventing online crimes from targeting minors.

So, even though this is gonna be a hard pill to swallow, it's important to be realistic and talk about these issues properly, instead of just sweeping the implications this ask actually has under the rug.

So, my answer to, "Can the victims who received explicit material from mizumi while underaged file a police report or take legal action?" is...

No.

Okay, well, technically, yes, the victim can PHYSICALLY go to the police and report it, but my point is that, even if they did, that doesn't mean it'll fix everything. If anything, depending on the context, it could make everything worse. Or (since that scenario I presented is kind of an extreme, and again, don't wanna be too negative), if the victim brought this to the police, the case would most likely be dismissed on the spot. There are also a number of other factors for why taking this online issue to real life wouldn't help, is that;

1: From the few conversations I've had with the victim, their main, primary concern is maintaining anonymity. They seem to just want to put this whole situation behind them, and focus on healing from this experience. They gave me permission to talk about what mizumi did to them, but requested to be completely anonymous.

If this case was ever taken to court, like, actual court, with a Judge and a Jury and lawyers and the public, the victim's anonymity would disappear. Their face would be seen by everyone, and whatever sense of security they had would be gone. Everyone, like their friends, family, classmates, and random people on the street would know them as "that online grooming victim". The label will stick with them wherever they go, and it'll be all anyone can ever see them as.

Also, if mizumi was sent a notice stating that she had to appear in court as the defendant (either in person or by video call), the victim's personal info, like their full name, will be on that notice. And I don't think I need to go into depth on how terribly that'd go.

2: There's the issue of cross-country laws affecting the ability of this report to be taken seriously. Mizumi and the victim both live in different countries, and both have different age of consent laws, and both ALSO have a ton of holes/loopholes that can be exploited, or have to be closely looked into with a magnifying glass to read between the lines. Your local police officer-receptionist, who is working long hours on their depressing job and is constantly tired, isn't gonna bother to investigate the laws of a different country to determine whether this case is suitable for court or not. They're just gonna say "Ah, it's a different country, the culture is different there, the laws are different there, get over yourself kid, and stop wasting my time with this bs"

3: This incident happened a year ago, back in January of 2022. It is nearly the end of 2023, so it's been a little while since this incident took place. To anyone with a brain, you'd be thinking "Okay, sure, it happened nearly 2 years ago now, but that time-gap doesn't mean anything! It should still be looked at in court! The perpetrator has gotten off scot-free for two years, that means the time to act is now, before it's too late!" And I would 100% agree with you, but unfortunately, the people-in-power, who decide what should be taken to court and what shouldn't, do think that this time-gap means something.

In a post from Rainn.org, they state that, statistically, out of every 1,000 sexual assault cases, 975 of the perpetrators will walk free. And, while researching, I came across the Statute of Limitations; it states that there's a time limit to report a sex crime, and it's appliable to most places in the US. It comes from the belief that the sooner you don't report, the less evidence there will be, so there's no point in reporting at all after the fact.

Also, to add onto the un-likelyhood of this report ever being taken as a serious case, the examples I showed you were all from IRL cases of sexual assault. This incident took place online, where there is less physical evidence of the crime taking place. This video series is from the youtuber Illymation, who was a victim of an adult online predator sending sexually charged messages to her when she was a minor, herself. At one point, she talks about her experience with bringing this issue to the police, and how her case was not at all considered seriously before being tossed out. This is just one example from one person about how the justice system screwed them over. But go onto someplace like AskReddit, and you'll find HUNDREDS of THOUSANDS of people sharing their experiences just like this.

So, yeah. Filing a police report about this mizumi incident not only has a statistically low chance of actually leading somewhere, but may actually put the victim in more danger than not.

So, what does this mean? Is there no point in trying to stop these types of things from happening? Will justice never be served? Will mizumi walk away scott-free, with no consequences, ready and willing to pull something like this again?

Well, personally, I don't think it has to end as depressingly as that. In fact, I don't think it should EVER end like that. I think there's still a way to both not take this to court and have an innocent person doxxed, but ALSO make sure mizumi never has the power to exploit another minor again.

Have you heard of the author, VelvateCarnage, of the infamous danganronpa fanfic "Lavender"? Well, he was exposed as being a creep who sent sexual messages to minors, and basically EVERYONE in the fandom knows this. When he was exposed, he deleted all of his social media accounts, and ran away with his tail between his legs. Since then, a group of have been working together to compile all the evidence of his grooming, and multiple screenshots have circulated, showing his true nature.

Now, everyone in the dr fandom knows what a monster he is, and are now on high alert, so whenever he tries to sneak his way back into the fandom, people immediately notice, and chase him out. This ensures that he can't come back to a space with lots of minors, and create even more victims.

I don't see why the same can't happen for mizumi. I think, that if more people knew about what mizumi did, we could ALL work together to kick her out, and make sure she never comes back.

What I'm proposing isn't the most perfect, best, ideal situation. After all, the best place for a child groomer to be is behind bars, but since we, as individuals, don't have a lot of power to change the system, the best we can do is work with what we've got, and come together to stop more incidents like this from happening.

I might write up a post on what exact things fans can do to help, and stop mizumi from creating more victims, so I'll work on that. But for now, thank you for the ask, throwawaycomplique, you raised a very interesting question; one that really made me realize and reconsider what this blog should be about; not just calling out mizumi's behaviour, but actually putting a stop to it, altogether.

[apatheticveil]

Here we go again...

I want to meet the person that decided to make a large change in their life, stuck to it first time and succeeded. Is this a thing? I'm not talking about those that needed to quickly otherwise their lives were on the line. I mean habits or lifestyle changes that were going to increase the quality of life (but not necessarily kill it if you didn't do it)

I won't lie and say that I've ever been good at taking care of myself. Any aspect of self-care seems to have a wavering success rate. Skin, weight, food, health, hair, mental stability, everything.

The want to change and improve has been there for years. The actual motivation hasn't. Many attempts have fallen through.

I think the straw that broke the camel's back was bursting into tears when a colleague that I barely knew passed away. I was at my heaviest weight with terrible skin, drinking copious amounts of alcohol every day and eating whatever I could get my hands on. I had mood swings like a motherfucker and seemed to be stressed after the smallest inconvenience. Not only that but every 2 weeks, I seemed to get sick.

What does that have to do with crying over someone dying?

I cried 2x while at work and even though it was a sad event, I seemed to have taken it super hard. Even though I didn't know him well or spent much time with him. Queue to 3 hours later when I burst into tears 2 more times over my employee review. It was positive with one minor thing I needed to watch out for. I even knew it was something I wasn't good at. But apparently it upset me beyond belief.

I came home that night, drunk, swollen from crying and feeling sick wondering why the fuck I had cried so much. I think this is where I had finally hit the last of my tolerance. Guess what. I had to call in sick the next day too as whatever happened caused my body not to cope.

Now you would think I would resolve to make a change then and there. But nope. Took me another 3 months afterward to actually make the first step. That day was just when I knew that I wasn't in a good space. Mentally or physically.

Over those 3 months, my attention, stamina and energy got lower and lower and all parts of my personal and professional life suffered. I turned into the surly girl who couldn't hold a conversation (because I simply stopped caring what was being said) I would forget almost everything. My empathy was completely gone. And I started getting sick more and more.

I had to wait 6 weeks to have my anxiety medication balance my chemicals again (of course, I just had forgotten to take it for nearly 6 months). This seemed to be the one thing that gave me enough focus to look into a resolution.

I joined the weight loss challenge at my work. Not because I thought I could win. But because I wanted the humiliation of people knowing my weight. And being forced every week to stand up and have people watch the number on the scales. I'm a manager at my work. The only manager participating. In fact, I'm in the competition against one of my employees. I needed that level of embarrassment to show that maybe something isn't right here.

I joined the gym. Only because a handful of people in my life wanted to as well and I needed them to keep me accountable. This is going to come up again later. Also the fact I would now have to spend $90 a month (in a shit ass economy) so the want to exercise will be balanced with the fact I don't wanna waste money right now.

I spoke with a close friend (shout out Jamie) who also wanted to make changes in her life. Just knowing someone else was looking into self improvement made the thought not so daunting. Being asked how my progress was going made the answer of "not well, haven't done anything" more motivating. I hate seeing those words.

We had all these goals and I had shared them with a couple of other people. And I tried believe me I did.

But this is where things began to change for the better. And trust me, this is going to sound incredibly stupid. After looking at my list, i realised that in order for me to achieve anything, I need to actually heal myself. I was nowhere close to be able to physically or mentally do it. I would fail constantly. I don't have it in me to make these big changes and that's okay. I need to work on being okay enough so I can.

Lose weight? Sure. But maybe getting up in the morning without feeling like death would be a better start. Work on skin routine so that I have a perfect complexion? Not insane. But maybe look into eating a decent meal that doesn't make me nauseas would be a little better. Work out 5x a week? Maybe not snapping at everyone because I don't care what they're talking about is a little more important.

That is what clicked in my head. I'm not going to achieve anything if I can't function like a basic human being. I need to get through a month without feeling sick. I need to wake up feeling okay. I need to eat a meal and feel my body actually accept instead of reject. I need to go into a day with a positive outlook, not instantly a negative one.

The shift mentally seemed to have opened up my eyes. And this shift was only able to happen with having the positivity of the people around me and being very strict with my anti-depressants.

So with this in mind, I took awhile to process. What can I do to achieve this. I need to be healthier. Just so I have the strength to change. Have I tried being healthier in the past? Sure, and it fucking failed. Why? And that's where all of this really changed.

Psychologically, how do I work? What things work for me? How do I respond? I'm stubborn. Stubborn as fuck. I can use the "salesperson" gift and talk and manipulate. I need to be told. I need rules and I need to be held accountable. Being a strong, independent woman with no sense of what is good for you has fucked me up big time.

So I talked to the doctor. These are my issues. Do I need to be concerned? From a medical stand point, i'm okay for now but heading down a bad path. Great! Tell me the truth. Make me scared.

Next, I searched for a nutritionist. I hate food. I hate cooking. I hate shopping for food and meals and everything. I hate it with every fibre. But this is how we survive as a species. Fuck it alright. Tell me in plain terms what I need to eat. Stay on my ass. Keep an eye on me. If you let me wander, I will. If you give me any slack, i'll take it. I'm undisciplined with a strong head. Give me an inch, i'll fucking make a gigantic valley. The nutritionist I found offered all of the above. A 12 week plan where I have to check in with her. Meal plans, recipes, tests. A fucking app where I can message her. An app where I have to upload a food diary and she reads it every week. That there is what works for me. I need someone to watch over my shoulder but for my own good. Now for someone to surview me this close mustn't be cheap. And you're right. Just for the consults alone, i'm looking at close the $1k. Thats not including supplements, extra testing and oh yeah....THE FOOD. But like the gym. I'm paying money i dont really have to spare for this to happen. I'm guilted into making this work.

She works with gut health. An issue I've had since 5 mins into my life. Constant tummy aches, nausea, bloating, vomiting, food intolerances. Everything. On and off for my entire life. This isn't about losing weight. This is about health. I need to feel okay to make a change.

And here we are. I've been working with her for a month now and already i'm way better. She listens so intently and creates a personalised plan. This means I know that all the effort is for things specific for me. Not for the masses. I'm working on gut health, heart health and skin. Luckily, these seem to be very cohesive with one another.

So now that we are at this point, I finally feel like I have the energy to start looking forward at goals. Realistic goals.

The next 30 days, i'm about to enter into a plan to address some of these health issues. I have SIBO. You should have seen me when I found out. I was so happy. Finally something to grasp onto. A strict eating plan and an in depth supplement regimen. It's going to be hard but I maybe able to finally feel okay. This is where it all turns around. I can feel it. I'm so positive that this is a turning point. I want this blog to show and reflect my life changing (for the better).

[takoichigo]

I'm gonna just go on a tear here.

I have rectal cancer. We haven't gotten to staging yet, but it's looking like at least stage 3. I've been in the hospital since Thursday and every day has been worse than the last. From having to do colonoscopy prep in the hospital to having my sciatic nerve completely freak out every time I sat on the toilet during said prep making it so I was in an incredible amount of pain and couldn't walk, to having going through with the colonoscopy and having the doctor nearly tear up when he told me it was definitely cancer, it was aggressive, and that it was, in his words, tragic. I had a friend with me who works in that clinic, thank goodness, but it was still awful.

I have been having a series of panic attacks and bouts of just crying and feeling afraid and so alone. The nursing staff have taken that as a sign that I need to be pumped full of Xanax. Like what I'm going through isn't scary and I should just be a compliant little blood bank.

God, and the lab techs cannot take blood for shit. I have big terrifying bruises all over my left arm where they've brutalized me with a needle. The bruises are so big and wide that they've made it damn near impossible to find good veins in that arm anymore. They keep trying to take it from my hand and I will not let them do that. My hands are my best tools. I won't have them be battered because they can't find my giant horse veins in my arms or are too lazy to do so.

Last night I was in pain at around 2:30. I rang the call bell and it took 30 minutes for anyone to help me. And an hour later when that pain medicine had done nothing I had to fight with the nurse about how long it had been, and they finally conceded and gave me something stronger which knocked me out. At around 5 AM.

I was woken at 8 AM today, told surgery was now (I am having a colostomy, so poop doesn't have to pass through the cancer in my rectum, but they'd never told me when in the day the surgery was), pulled out of bed and told to pee and brush my teeth, and throw all my belongings in a bag because I would possibly be going to the ICU afterwards. Which they didn't elaborate on. So uh. Instant return of panic. I could not calm down, and my surgeon came to talk to me, and said it was best if we waited a day or two because the mental trauma I was already dealing with was going to be even worse post-surgery with the addition of having to deal with a fun new hole in my abdomen. I'd be stuck in the hospital anyway, it really wasn't extending the stay. But during that conversation I practically begged for mental health help, because I've never wanted to just take a pill and be too zonked out to remember my problems, generally I want to discuss them and find out what the answers are... y'know, like a person?

I did get to talk to a proper doctor and she explained some more things about how the process works. Knowing more about it helped me immensely, but then they sent the palliative care nurse in and she was wonderful, listened to my concerns, and actually brought me colored pencils, a coloring book, and a little stuffed dog. I had mentioned that I usually cuddle with my stuffed moose and he was at home where I couldn't get him, so I'd been using a spare gown that someone had randomly tossed in my bed to both cry into and cuddle for comfort. And about an hour after she left, a big stiff teddy bear showed up too.

But what really made the difference was that my person came to see me. He was here. I was so scared I wouldn't see him at all, because he has (totally understandable and reasonable) trauma surrounding this hospital and mentally could not handle being here. But today he was here. He's going to go take care of my kitty, who is alone at home. And I told him I loved him. And he said he loved me too. And he told me I couldn't give up.

Last night in the depths of panic and depression, I was pretty sure I wanted to give up. There were several moments when nurses were asking me what I needed while I was sobbing uncontrollably that I considered telling them that I needed a gun to the back of my head.

But if he says I'm not allowed to give up, I won't.

[mcnobi]

E, L, N

I think E might be right up your alley... maybe both of ours. 😂

i promise to always answer yours and @weaponizedwit's questions first so i stop spilling things all over my furniture, deal?

E: Have you added anything stupid/cracky/hilarious to your fandom, if so, what? I mean, I'm not sure I've ever added anything serious to this fandom, lets be honest. I still think that the ho/cock double bill of pictures is my greatest ever contribution to this corner of the internet and it still makes me laugh myself silly every time I see it.

L: Your favorite fanartist/author gives you one request, what do you ask for? wow. god it's such a bizarre concept I'm not even sure what I'd want!! probably if it was a fic, it'd be something angsty but sexy with obi-wan and quin and a bit of platonic bant (iloveher) and if it was art; anything with padanobi looking feral and/or whumped. I'm a woman of simple pleasures. N: Your favorite fandom (for the people; not the thing you fangirl over) I would say I've had the most fun, and the most laughs in the supernatural and star wars fandoms. they're the ones i've been most engaged in, and they're the ones where I've met the people that have become big parts of my life. i've been in loads of half-dead fandoms for quite a while and it's not the same as when you can go a bit feral with people over new stuff. fandom related asks

[philosopherking1887]

Fic authors self-rec! ✨ When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you’ve written, then pass on to at least five other writers (if you would like to)!

Thanks for the ask! It's taken me 3 days to answer because I've had job stuff to do, and it's also hard to pick my 5 favorite fics when I've been in several different fandoms in the past few years... In one sense, all my favorites right now are the ones in my current fandom -- they're the only ones I'm still emotionally invested in -- but I'll also pick out what I think are my best ones from my previous fandoms. In order from earliest to latest:

1. The Third Time. Fandom: MCU (Loki & Thor, Gen), rating: T, warning: Major Character Death. Summary: "It appears that, as they say on Midgard, the third time is a charm, eh, brother?" After the battle of Ragnarok, as Loki is dying -- for the third and final time -- he and Thor have a last conversation. The phrase "cats all the way down" is uttered, oddly enough.

This is the first fic I posted on AO3 back in 2015, and I still think it's one of my best-written. People also keep finding it and leaving nice comments, which is validating.

2. The Tree of Knowledge. Fandom: MCU (Thor/Loki), rating: E. Summary: "Loki kissed me. What in Hel was that about? was the first thought that entered Thor’s mind when he woke up. And I kissed him back." The day after Loki and Thor got stoned together and Loki kissed Thor -- purportedly just to prove a philosophical point -- Thor looks for an explanation from his evasive brother, and comes to realize that his own feelings for Loki are not what he had thought they were.

The second installment and "getting together" fic in the first of my long-running ship fic series (I guess I do this for my ship in every fandom?), Whatever is done from love. Gratuitous Nietzsche quotes are also part of my pattern.

3. The Hypothetico-Deductive Method. Fandom: Avatar: The Last Airbender (Aang/Katara/Zuko), rating: T. Summary: Uncle Zuko is visiting Air Temple Island, and 15-year-old Kya begins to suspect that Something is Going On between him and her parents, Aang and Katara. Tenzin is skeptical; Bumi is amused; and Kya decides to investigate and gather conclusive evidence that her suspicions are correct. Awkwardness, uncomfortable conversations, and amateur spy shenanigans ensue.

I think this is the best one from my relatively brief but strangely productive stint in Avatar: The Last Airbender fandom, which mostly happened while I was brain-foggy post-Covid in 2020. (I couldn't focus on reading or writing philosophy, I could barely even watch TV without having to rewind a lot because my attention kept wandering, but I was writing fic really fast.) As usual, it's part of my big interconnected series, The Three-Body Problem, but it can be read on its own.

4. Had we but world enough, and time. Fandom: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine (Garak/Bashir), rating: E. Summary: After attempting to destroy the Founders' homeworld in "Broken Link," Garak has been sentenced to six months in a holding cell on Deep Space 9. Julian continues visiting for their weekly lunch, and they are allowed a picnic in a holosuite during the hour that Garak is allotted for daily exercise. They get some (unauthorized) exercise, and Julian says something he's been meaning to say.

Not the first fic I wrote in my current ship series, The Spy Who Came In from the Cold, but the first big one, and still, I think, the best-written.

5. Stepping into the Rubicon. Fandom: DS9 (Garashir), rating: T. Summary: On the way back from the Gamma Quadrant following Enabran Tain's disastrous attempt to destroy the Founders' homeworld, Garak comes to Doctor Bashir's quarters complaining of a headache and ends up spending the night.

Another "getting together" fic as an early installment in an extended series. No Nietzsche quotes in this particular fic, but there is poetry.

[lizzy-williams]

𝐚𝐛𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐡𝐞 | 𝐛.𝐛.

༄Warnings: Smut, blood/gore, language, mature themes, 18+, minors DNI

༄Masterlist

༄Summary: You're a creature as old as time. And Bucky is entranced by you. (vampire!reader x Bucky)

The moment that Bucky saw you, he was completely enamored. Looking at you was seemingly a gift. You were dressed like an angel, a white cocktail dress with shoes and gold hoops to match. Simple, and yet would be like a beacon of light; a flame and Bucky was nothing but a mere moth just like the other gentleman whose prying eyes made his blood boil.

Possession was all he could feel as he finally made his decision to get up from his sulking corner and go out on the dance floor, where you were surrounded by men who were desperate to get a taste.

Grabbing hands, tentative stares, and desperate body language surrounded you as you danced without a care in the world. As if there was no one watching, your own little world surrounding you.

As Bucky finally pushed his way through the crowd of horny and otherwise intoxicated men, he finally was able to see your body in full view. To say the least, he liked what he saw.

Finally, he slid up behind you, making a bold move and placing his gloved hands on your hips. The moment your eyes locked with his was the moment he knew that there was no escape, and maybe he was okay with that.

You suddenly turned around, wrapping your arms around his neck as he pulled you close, swaying to the beats echoing through the building. Other men looked to him in envy, but Bucky couldn't care less, not when he was staring at one of the most beautiful women he had ever seen.

Your skin was flawless, your hair perfect, your curves fitting against his hands like a puzzle piece. The lights blared on around you two as you felt him press himself as close as he could to you, your touch like a drug.

You then caught sight of his dangling dog tags against his red Henley, and you smirked as you looked at him, "What brings you here, soldier boy...?" you tease as you look at him intently for an answer.

Bucky stuttered on his thoughts as he tried to think straight, "Uhm, I was just with a couple of friends, and I think I'm kind of just... on my own now...," he admitted, "What about you?"

"Looking for someone to pass the time with." you admitted truthfully, and of course he would never understand the gravity of your response, barely anyone ever could.

"Well, look to farther," he smirked, pulling you closer to his hulking form.

You suddenly pulled away and slipped out of his grasp impressively quickly.

"Where are you going?" he called over the blast of the music.

You turned around, giving him a playful smirk, before calling back, "Going to get a drink!"

And like a moth drawn to a flame, he followed closely behind.

"You're so full of shit!"

Your laughter was music to Bucky's ears as he leaned against the bar as you sat in a seat, sipping of a Gin & Tonic with a bendy straw.

"It's the truth," he put his hand over his heart with false sincerity.

"There's no way you stayed in Wakanda and met the king. Interesting story, but I doubt it," you jabbed back.

"Believe what you want to believe, but I have." he swore, taking another swig of a bear he knew he couldn't get drunk off of, "Alright then, Miss Cynical, what have you got in the arsenal. You've had to have had some sort of misadventures,"

She paused but only for a second. She has seen many, many things. If only he knew.

"Umm... let's see... I've traveled to 72 of the 195 countries in the world. Lived in Romania for 4 years, France for 2, but I figured after being in the U.K. for 12, I thought it was time to come home."

"So your American?"

"Originally, yes."

"Huh. It's just that you have an accent and... I just can't quite seem to place it."

Bucky would know. He had traveled many years as well. More than he'd care to remember.

You brushed it off, "I take it you've had your fair share of 'misadventures'?" you jabbed back.

"If only you knew."

The hours passed quickly, and by 2 in the morning, people began to filter out one by one, and finally, you decided it was time to take your leave as well.

But you really didn't want to. You had the most interesting conversations you'd had in decades. He was truly a man out of time. Literally. He let it slip about the Avengers, and to say the least, it opened up a can of worms.

He was oddly open about most things. How he was with the Avengers, how he was taken in the snap (you, however, weren't), and how he really did stay in Wakanda. But he spoke of nothing farther back than that.

You decided not to pry. If you knew one thing, it was that people had secrets, and they could get very good at hiding them.

Finally, the two of you decided to shuffle your way to the door, and once you swung it open, you immediately regretted not getting an uber before getting there.

It was pouring rain, the thunder now clearly heard now that there wasn't any blaring music to block it out. Bucky looked at you suggestively.

"It's fine, I... I can call a cab or something," you tried, but Bucky wasn't having any of it.

"Come on, doll, I can give you a ride home."

The two of you quickly ran out into the rain as he used his jacket to cover the both of you, and yet despite the rain, he still walked to the passenger side with you and opened the door, a gentlemanly smile on his features.

Once he got in, he reached to turn the car on but was stopped in his tracks. Next to him, he saw you looking up out of the windshield on the end of the sheet, watching the rain as it fell and slipped down the glass. You had seen rain millions of times before. But every time you did, it made you pause and remember the life you had lived; the things you had seen.

You felt a pair of eyes staring, and you pulled your gaze away from the water droplets to look at the culprit.

"What?" you asked, and Bucky just grabbed you, your lips meeting his, the sound of the rain hitting the metal of the car making the moment that much more special.

You made the bold decision to mount his lap, your tongue mangling with his as you just... felt. It had been a while since you had done that.

The kiss seemed to last for eternity as you softly ground on his growing erection, his breathing picking up. You started to go lower, your lips meeting his jaw as you took a desperate inhale of air against his flesh.

"I can smell the sunlight on your skin," you finally muttered, your hands on his biceps, "You smell so good...,"

"I'm flattered," he nervously chuckled.

Finally, you pulled back, and Bucky gave you a confused, otherwise terrified glance. That was when you noticed that your fangs were out, the moonlight outside the tinted windows of the car.

"Are you scared?" you muttered, knowing that you were going to get what you wanted whether he liked it or not. But you would rather him be conscious and willing.

His look of confusion morphed into something more. Something darker. Lustful. Taking his thumb, he reached up and pushed your top lip up and exposed your canine at the root. He then looked you dead in the eyes, shaking his head 'no' softly.

He then took one of his gloves off. Soon enough his whole jacket was off, and he revealed a harsh metal arm that beamed just as brightly. Who were you to judge? You refused to pry. You knew what it was like for society to hate you because you weren't what they wanted you to be. You move your hands up and down the sleek metal, the plates shifting as your fingertips grazed it.

You gave him a compassionate smile, leaning over and whispering "It'll only hurt for a second, but it'll start to feel good, I promise."

You went lower before giving a gentle kiss to a spot on his neck —a warning — before biting deeply into his neck as he let out a pornographic moan.

His blood was intoxicating. Like plums, whisky, and a sharp spike of mint. His flavors were vivid, addictive, and you let out a verbal moan as you tasted him on your tongue.

You suddenly jerked your head back, a gasp leaving your mouth as your lips parted, your eyes searching his, "What are you?" you pried, confusion etched across your face, your hands now holding his face.

"I'm whatever you want me to be."

That was true. At this point, even he didn't know what he was, everything that he was, a blurry memory. A soldier. A lady's man. A best friend. A fighter. Now he didn't know what he was. He was hoping that you could help him figure that out.

Assuming you weren't going to get a definitive answer, yet at least, you brushed it off, pressing a loving kiss to his forehead, before leaning down and sucking more of his sweet, addicting blood from his veins, another groan leaving his mouth as he leaned his head to the side, giving you more access, your hungry tongue probing and licking.

His hands wandered eagerly, grabbing whatever it could on your body as he tried to catch his breath, his body suddenly relaxing, his body no longer feeling pain but rather absolute pleasure.

His head was now cocked up as he gasped for air, feeling as if the air was sucked from his lungs, not in malice but in pleasure as he felt his body well up with heat.

You pulled yourself away from him, pricking your finger on one of your teeth and rubbing it on his bite marks, the gashes closing up almost instantly.

Bucky then weakly reached up, now cupping your face in his hands, speechless.

"Can I keep you?" you whispered in a hushed tone, your crimson-red eyes meeting his crystal blues.

Bucky nodded, enveloped in your gaze.

The words that came out next slipped out before he could stop them:

"Wanna head back to my place?"

The kiss was sloppy and uncoordinated as you fell through the opening doors of the elevator of his apartment complex. You stumbled down that hall in an unsynchronized jumble of needy grabs and touches.

Bucky finally reached the door, grabbing his key and trying to put it in the lock, missing the mark completely and dropping his key to the ground.

Begrudgingly he broke the kiss and frantically shoved it in the lock, unlocking the door and slamming the door open, the two of you tumbling inside and letting your lips lock once again.

You were able to catch a glimpse at your environment when you broke the kiss, noticing how Bucky must have truly been a minimalist.

"Nice place," you joked, smirking at him.

"What can I say? I like a tidy home."

He then wrapped his hands around yours and pulled you to the bedroom. Your dress almost disappeared like a rabbit in a hat, you didn't even feel it leave your body as he tore it off, the only indication was the cool temperature hitting your skin.

Bucky was delighted to find you weren't wearing a bra as he leaned over you, his lips immediately finding your exposed chest. You mewled as his tongue probed at your nipple, using his flesh hand to tweak and pinch the other.

You felt yourself get hotter despite your normally cool temperature, and you loved it. You had spent so long looking for a man like Bucky to make you feel like a little girl all over again. To make you hot. To make you feel like maybe your life was taken from you just so you could meet him.

You bucked your hips up to the erection he had been sporting since you pierced his neck. He let out a primal growl, taking off your panties, leaving you completely nude.

"So fucking gorgeous, like a goddess," he praised before driving in between your necks, wasting no time licking a wide strip up your sex, making you whine in surprise.

Your attempts to make him go faster here futile as you bucked your hips, gripping his hair like a vice. You verbally whined as you tried to get him to do something— anything— but your patience began to wane.

Even though Bucky's go-to tactic was to tease his women until they couldn't take it anymore, he had never met you.

Before he knew it, you moved quickly, standing him up and flinging him on the bed face-up, your hips over his face in seconds, your hand stroking his hair gently.

Bucky stared up at you in shock and awe, nobody has ever thrown him around. He certainly wasn't opposed. His shock turned into pure, unfiltered lust, his hands placed on your thighs, hungrily pulling your pussy to meet his lips, where he then ate you like a man starved.

Using his hair and an anchor, you ground yourself over his eager tongue, your moans only queuing him to lick and suck at your precious pearl even harder than before.

"Fuck Bucky! So fucking good, baby," you praised, throwing your head back as your fangs made their presence known with a smooth 'pop'.

Your hands changed tactics as you moved yourself to lean back, one hand gripping at the headboard, the other sat on his textured abs, your nails making the skin under red and sensitive.

Before you knew it, you were on the edge. Your body was screaming for release, your hormones going into overdrive as you went harder—faster— praying that your coil would snap.

"'M gonna cUM— Bucky fuck!!" You gasped as you finally slipped into your state of nirvana, your body buzzing.

You shook in your ecstasy, perfect noises slipping from your lips as you felt Bucky lick up everything you gave him. Meanwhile, he was in heaven, suffocated by your thighs as he lapped at your ambrosia. You were the most delicious pussy he had ever had.

After Bucky finally detached his mouth from your core, he looked up at you lazily, and you moved your hips down, your dripping pussy hovering over his painfully hard erection.

"You're amazing, Bucky...," you muttered, your lips meeting his in a passionate kiss. Something more than lust or infatuation. You were ready to make him completely and utterly yours.

You reached down, lining him up with you, and kissed your way down his jaw and to his neck. You suddenly sunk down, your teeth piercing his skin as he let out a lewd moan, pleasure coursing through his veins as you began to move on him, bouncing your hips at a sensual pace.

You sucked at his life force with volition, your pace never faltering as it increased, your body nothing but a thief, and at this point, Bucky would let you take everything he had.

You pulled away to look at him, smirking as you felt his blood surround your mouth, coating your teeth as you continued to bring him pleasure.

"Mine," you growled, "All mine."

Bucky nodded in his daze, "Yours. Promise."

Your lips met in a sloppy kiss as you felt him tense up, knowing he was close. Mischievously, you took his flesh hand, placing it where you needed him most. You wanted nothing more than to cum with him.

"I can feel you," you groaned out, "So fuckin' deep,"

Bucky was in a submissive daze, nodding to whatever you said as his mind blurred in pleasure and need. His skin was almost electrifying as you felt his blood run through you.

"So come on. Cum for me. Cum inside me," you moaned, Bucky watching as your breasts bounced with every movement of your hips, "Wanna cum for me, Bucky?"

"Yes! Please, I want it! I want it, please," he whined as you smirked, you couldn't have asked for a better response.

"Cum," you commanded, as you felt your body tense up as well, and just like that you came the hardest you had in almost a decade, your world going white.

You felt yourself scream out as you collapsed on top of the man below you, your body limp as he continued to thrust up into you, letting out a guttural, filthy moan as he came inside of you.

You felt him fill you up, your eyes open as you tried to center your vision, your mind scrambled as you listened to Bucky's adorable little noises.

You rode out each other's highs, your lover panting like a dog, his eye closed as he tried to gather himself as well. When he eventually caught his breath, he couldn't help but look down at you in amazement.

"Absolutely incredible," he murmured as he put his hand to your face, stroking gently.

If you had blood pumping in your veins, you would have blushed, "As are you."

"Can you turn into a bat?" Bucky looked up at you with the curiosity of a child as you gently stroked his hair.

You had spent hours taking him apart, so it felt only right that you held him in your arms and on your lap, stroking his hair gently as his eyes hazed over with sleepiness.

You let out a light-hearted chuckle, "No. I can't. Although that sounds fun, no?"

"What can you do?" he continued to question as he held you a little bit tighter.

"I can... move at rapid speeds, but you already knew that, didn't you?" You jabbed, Bucky letting out a hearty laugh, "I'm immortal, I have a strong influence, I can even sense people who have drank my blood."

"Sense as in how?" Bucky didn't know why he was suddenly so worried.

"I can sense your emotions. I'll know where you are so I can find you quickly," you explained.

"What am I feeling now?"

You paused at the question, a sense of slight pity crossing you as you looked down to him. You closed your eyes, closing everything out in a means to feel him. A stream of consciousness crossed you.

"You're...," you paused, "You're feeling affectionate. In love. Vulnerable." you started, "But you're also feeling unsure... skeptical..."

Bucky liked knowing what he felt. Being told what he was actually feeling. Some days he felt as if there was nothing left. A void where his feelings once were.

"How old are you?" he questioned suddenly.

"Exactly or a rough estimate?" you joked.

"Exactly."

You sighed with a smile on your face, remembering the memories of the past.

"I'm 207 years old. I was born in 1813."

Bucky sat up. He had never met anyone that much older than him. He thought he was one of the oldest living fossils on the planet. But you were just full of surprises.

"D-Do you remember Steve?" Bucky questioned, tears welling in his eyes.

"Rogers? I mean... I saw him in posters in the '40s. Even saw one of his performances. But something told me he wasn't a fan of showbiz. Then after he got out of the ice, I saw him on TV. Mostly news channels."

Bucky winced. If you had seen Steve on the news, there was no doubt that you had also seen him on the news, and that-

"I know you aren't a bad man, James."

Bucky winced as you used his name, but nonetheless, the statement brought more tears.

"Say it again...," he pleaded, closing his eyes as he heard your melodic voice say what he had been wanting to hear for centuries.

"You realize I can't let you go now, right?" He cupped your face gently in his hands as if he might break you, but even with his super-soldier status, you were the one who should be worried about breaking him.

"I couldn't imagine you doing any different."

[chibimyumi]

Hi!! I've been reading your blog for ours and my eyes are burning but I'm so satisfied!! I recently re read the manga after like 4 years I think? I already knew about the twins ofc but reading it again knowing that is so refreshing and is so obvious now!! Anyway I wanted to ask if I'm not being annoying; at the end of chapter 128 the interaction between o!ciel and Sebastián is not clear to me. Could it be the translation? Why does ciel asks "you wouldn't lie to me, would you?" And Sebastian replies, kinda looking sad, "regrettably I do not tell lies". Do you understand that interaction better? Sorry if I'm missing something obvious here

【Related post: Contract term 1 and Sebas cannot lie, at all!】

Dear Anon,

First of all, thank you so much for your kind words, they are very appreciated ^^ I do send my condolences for your lost hours and visual comfort though. Please take a 20 second break closing your eyes for every 20 minutes you read intensively (*´▽｀*)ノ💊 It is very important in this screen age. I’ve been doing that for the past 2 weeks, and it’s done wonders for me (*~∇~*)

Now without much further ado, your question. Judging from your transcription of the English version I would say it is not badly translated. It just misses a TINY bit of nuance. Just to be sure, let us first look at the original Japanese dialogue and a clinical translation.

お前は…僕に嘘は吐いていないな？

Omae wa... boku ni uso wa tsuiteinai na?

You [of all people]... have not done such thing as lying to me, right?

ええ、残念ながら、私は嘘は吐きません

Ee, zannnen nagara, watashi wa uso wa tsukimasen

Indeed, unfortunately, I [of all people] do no such thing as lying.

1. Explanation Ciel’s text

【Omae wa... boku ni uso wa tsuiteinai na?】

As I have frequently mentioned, Japanese is a null-subject language, which means that a subject is not necessary to formulate a full sentence. When the speaker does add a subject however, it means they are laying extra emphasis on the subject.

In this case, O!Ciel used ‘omae wa’ (you), which is the subject of the sentence. In a null-subject language this part is unnecessary, but as O!Ciel has added it, emphasis is drawn to this subject. So instead of a simple “you have not”, it effectively means “you of all people, you specifically, YOU, have not.”

【Omae wa... boku ni uso wa tsuiteinai na?】

Then O!Ciel says “uso wa” (lying) using the particle ‘wa’ instead of the usual ‘wo’. “Wa” is an emphasising particle, meaning that whatever precedes this particle is basically highlighted in neon, written in bold and italic. So rather than just: “you have not lied”, it is “you have done no such thing as lying”.

【Omae wa... boku ni uso wa tsuiteinai na?】

This last part is the only thing I would say is ““wrongly”” translated in the version you read. Instead of "you wouldn't lie", it should be “you have not lied.” This phrase is in is present perfect, meaning that O!Ciel asks his butler whether he “has lied at all in the past”. Not “you just don’t lie in general, right?” Because this question refers to actions in the past, we can assume this question is meant to refer to any information about what O!Ciel suspected might be relevant to what he is thinking; that his brother is back. More on this below in part 3.

So in short, in O!Ciel’s text, he highlights Sebastian (omae wa) and the lying (uso wa). The meaning of the message here is therefore:

“Other people might have lied, but YOU have not, right? You might have done many things, but LYING you did not, right?”

2. Explanation Sebas’ text

【Ee, zannnen nagara, watashi wa uso wa tsukimasen】

In the version you gave me Sebas says “regrettably”, but I would say that while the translation is not wrong at all, it might be a BIT too strong?

I myself propose “unfortunately”. In Japanese too just like English, ‘unfortunately’ is just a formal prelude to an announcement that the recipient might not like hearing. Like: “unfortunately the X brand toothpaste is out of stock, but we do have Y brand.” But, I am no native-level speaker of English, so I don’t understand all the nuances precisely. Perhaps ‘regrettably’ and ‘unfortunately’ are equally strong. Do tell me if anyone knows whether one is stronger than the other. But either way, in Japanese it is not very strong. It’s just Sebas mentally preparing his master to hear negative news.

【Ee, zannnen nagara, watashi wa uso wa tsukimasen】

Then comes the “watashi wa uso wa tsukimasen”. Like in O!Ciel’s text, here Sebas does use a subject too, namely ‘watashi wa’. As use of subject means emphasis, so it’s not just “I don’t lie”, but “others might, but I, of all people, don’t lie”.

【Ee, zannnen nagara, watashi wa uso wa tsukimasen】

Then there is the particle ‘wa’ again in the second half of the sentence, “uso wa tsukimasen.” Just like in O!Ciel’s text, the standard particle should have been ‘wo’, but as Sebas repeats his master’s ‘wa’, he also lays emphasis on the action that he would not do: “such thing as lying.”

In short, the full message of Sebas’ text would essentially be:

“Indeed, unfortunately (for you/me/us), I of all people, unlike others, absolutely do no such thing as lying.”

3. ‘What’ was not lied about?

Now we’ve broken down all the linguistic nuances and details of the spoken text, let us do some interpreting.

Though there is no confirmation, I think we can assume O!Ciel was referring to the conversation about his brother being eaten: “you told me that the price paid - my brother’s soul - can never return.” Though this was said BEFORE they sealed the first contract term, after signing all terms, Sebas confirmed again that eating Ciel’s soul was indeed taken as ferry fee.

Later again, O!Ciel asks the demon what happens to a soul after being devoured, and the contract-bound Sebas confirms in clear language: “it simply disappears”. This phrasing by Sebas is not open to interpretation.

O!Ciel first saw “who stole the candy from my tummy?” and started to suspect things. Obviously he KNEW his brother was dead, so rationally he pushed that possibility away from his head. But then later he saw Soma who was attacked and holding a piece of the photo of the twins. Seeing that photo gives an explicit connection to his dead brother, and then there’d only be so much O!Ciel could rationally do to wave away the thoughts about his brother. The possibility was screaming at him, after all.

The only source of information he could trust at that point was Sebas. By the time Sebas gave his master the unambiguous answer about his brother’s soul he could already no longer lie. HENCE, Real Ciel is definitely dead.

Then we need to explain the horror struck reaction of O!Ciel upon hearing his butler’s confirmation.

Normally you’d think that hearing somebody is dead would reassure you that somebody cannot come pester you. But to O!Ciel, that R!Ciel is confirmed to be ‘dead’ doesn’t mean he can’t be back; on the contrary. Both O!Ciel and Sebas know painfully well that the scythe-wielding-lunatic who can create zombies is still at large. Zombies can only be made if somebody is dead. Hence, having confirmation that R!Ciel is definitely “potential zombie material” is terrible news. Plus, every time the zombies appear, they are significantly more competent than the previous models.

I think O!Ciel has always had Undertaker’s zombie-creating ambitions in the back of his mind, but it wasn’t until now that the puzzle pieces fell into place. Yeah... that IS indeed awful news.

From Sebastian’s sorrowful expression we can say he is upset for his master’s sake, but I think he is mostly very sad for himself. The first time he tried to fight said scythe-wielding-lunatic he almost died, and the second time his arse was only spared because Undertaker didn’t bother engaging. “Unfortunately” indeed!

Well, that was it (*´▽｀*)ノ Though I am not 100% sure whether I read all of this correct, I at least hope this was some good food for thought. Cheers!

MASTERPOST Furukawa Era Kuromyu

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[ibijau]

Ok, here's a prompt for you, should you choose to accept it, as a fellow angst connoisseur. I've been reading Impenetrable Walls by Gina3 which is a concubine AU, except so far Wei Ying has been too dumb to understand that his job as a concubine is to f*ck, but all the servants around him keep telling him to make sure Lan Wangji is happy or it's all their lives at stake. 1/2

2/2 Anyway, the prompt is this: imagine this scenario but with Xisang or Xiyao. Xichen is the emperor, he has spent his whole life being venerated and served and then he is gifted Huaisang/Meng Yao as a concubine and they both know they have no choice but to make the emperor happy no matter what. Xichen is convinced he's in a happy relationship and unaware that he has in fact been raping his partner this whole time, because there is no possible consent in this situation. The angst! Just imagine

Yes hi hello I, uh. Took this and ran with it, even though I have prompts left from the last ask meme and a bunch of fics that I should be updating and also actual work to do. But like. Fuck yeah. This is exactly the sort of awful, shitty, cruel settings that I love writing so bless you for sending me this.

It was a rare and pleasant day for His Highness when Nie Mingjue could take a break from the war on the frontier and visit the palace. On those too rare occasions, His Highness always allowed himself a break from protocole and tradition and, for a few hours, simply became Lan Xichen again. He had so few friends left since rising to power, but Nie Mingjue had never faltered once, never once treated him as a living divinity as others did, knowing it was not what Lan Xichen wanted from their friendship. It must have been a family trait.

As he walked toward his private quarters, Lan Xichen smiled to himself, certain that his dear little bird must be so happy to see his brother again after many months. Nie Huaisang always smiled so brightly after those rare visits, while teasing Lan Xichen with a renewed insolence that always deligthed him. It would be so nice to have his two closest, most beloved people with him at once, however briefly, and Lan Xichen couldn't wait to surprise them. He shouldn't not have been free for them until a little while longer, but on a whim he had cancelled a council. There was little point in being emperor if he could not get away with something selfish here and there.

As he entered the little house he'd ordered to be built for Nie Huaisang, Lan Xichen heard his little bird chatting with his brother and stopped for a moment, suddenly feeling guilty for taking away the siblings' precious chance for a private discussion. Although Nie Huaisang rarely complained about anything, Lan Xichen knew that his little bird missed home dearly sometimes. No amount of presents and coddling could change that, and while the two of them were so happy together, a lover simply wasn't a brother.

As he hesitated though, Lan Xichen quickly noticed that something appeared to be off with his little bird. His voice, usually so soft and full of laughter, was uncharacteristically dry as he chatted with his brother.

“With Wen Xu dead, that bastard Wen Ruohan won't manage much longer,” he heard his little bird say, the violence of the words half shocking Lan Xichen. “His first born was a good general, whereas the second one... Is Wen Zhuliu still serving them?”

“For now,” Nie Mingjue replied flatly, apparently undisturbed to hear his delicate little brother comment on war affairs. “We're working on turning him. Lord Jiang's wife knew him when he was young, so we're having her make offers to take him in if he switches sides. You were right though, he is stupidly loyal.”

“You probably won't get him,” Nie Huiasang agreed, “but Wen Ruohan will hear about those offers and he won't trust him as much... and that means he'll have to rely on his idiotic second son instead. If Wen Chao is put in charge of their southern army, the war is as good as won for us. Can you imagine? Peace again!”

“But at what cost?”

A silence fell between the brothers. Out of curiosity, Lan Xichen came closer to get a look at them without being seen himself. An emperor ought not to have hidden, least of all inside his own palace, his own home, but something about that conversation was making him increasingly uncomfortable.

When they were alone, Nie Huaisang never wanted to talk about politics, pouting and complaining that he never understood anything of it. To hear him give his opinion about the border wars with such certainty was... unsettling.

And so he looked at his little bird and his dearest friend, sitting together at a table. Nie Mingjue was in a more comfortable position than he usually allowed himself in presence of the emperor, though there was a clear tension to his shoulders. As for Nie Huaisang, although he was wearing the same delicate and colourful robes as always while his hair was done up in an elegant bun decorated with elaborate pins, he seemed like a stranger, sitting not like the poised boy Lan Xichen knew and adored, but instead with no more grace than a soldier resting after a battle.

“Peace always comes at a price,” Nie Huaisang pointed out, rolling his eyes. “This one isn't so bad.”

“Are you going to tell me you're happy with your life?” Nie Mingjue scoffed. “That you're satisfied with being the emperor's whore?”

“Of course not,” Nie Huaisang sighed with a grimace. “Still, to defeat the Wens... it's not such a big price to pay. I don't blame father. He saw his chance to finally make me be useful to the clan, how could he not have taken it?”

A twisted, piercing cold seized Lan Xichen, making it near impossible to breathe. He had wanted to come out of his hiding place and order Nie Mingjue out of their home at hearing him call his own brother a whore, only to feel slapped in the face at his little bird's response.

It made no sense. Nie Huaisang was happy. Of course he was happy. Lan Xichen made sure to give him everything he could ever want, robes of expensive silk, beautiful fans painted by the greatest masters, all his favourite dishes served daily... he had even started construction on an aviary for him, so he could gift him rare and exotic birds. Nie Huaisang was happy. He said so often, made it clear through his actions, always enjoying seducing Lan Xichen as soon as they could be alone.

They were happy and in love.

They had been happy and in love since the first time they had laid eyes on each other at a banquet and Nie Huaisang, not realising who was in front of him, had chatting with him and teased him over wearing badly coordinated robes. By some great luck, Nie Huaisang had been sent to work in the imperial palace soon after and Lan Xichen had not lost a moment in pursuing that chance of friendship. It had soon turned into something more intimate, with Nie Huaisang being officially named his concubine so there could be no accusations of impropriety.

“I'm going to take you back home someday,” Nie Mingjue grunted. “The day father dies, I'll ask to have you back, I swear.”

“Don't be stupid,” Nie Huaisang retorted. “You think His Highness will let me go? I'm stuck here for life, or until someone else finds him a prettier boy to play with. And that's impossible, we both know I am, and by far, the prettiest boy in the entire country. Possibly the world even. Ah, it's a curse to be so beautiful.”

“Huaisang!”

Something shifted in Nie Huaisang's eyes. He slumped on the table, reaching out to take his brother's hand and holding it tight.

“I swear it's not so bad,” he sighed. “He's nice. He's doing his best to be nice. Please don't worry about me, and don't... don't do anything reckless on my behalf. I chose this. I agreed to this. He asked me if I wanted to be his concubine, and I said yes.”

“Could you have said no?”

Instead of answer Nie Huaisang laughed in such a broken way that Lan Xichen felt nauseous. Of course his little bird could have denied that request. Lan Xichen had even told him so when he had asked for this, reminded him that even his friendship was enough to make him happy.

Nie Huaisang could have said no.

Nie Huaisang should have said no.

“Can you imagine what father would have said?” Lan Xichen heard his little bird say in a bitter voice that no longer sounded like his. “MingMing, we needed His Highness's support. We have it. There's nothing more to be said about this, so let's drop that subject. I'm... I'm really not so bad off in here, just a little lonely. I hope when the war is won, you can come more often. You're my only link to the outside world, so do your job. Give me news. How are the Jiang kids? And Wei Wuxian?”

“Lord Jiang gave him a command at last,” Nie Mingjue announced. “And the young Lady Jiang is to be married to young Lord Jin after all. The ceremony will be held in three months.”

Immediately, Nie Huaisang sat up straighter and smiled so brightly that it rivalled the sun.

“Really? Oh, that's so great!” He exclaimed, half laughing. “They'll be perfect for each other, I'm so glad it worked out after all! Tell me what happened?”

Seeing him so happy for the friends he often swore he did not miss was the last drop for Lan Xichen. It was obvious, now, how insincere his little bird's smiles had been when directed at him, how fake his joy, how forced his laughs. And so, while Nie Mingjue told his brother about a happy couple figuring out their path to happiness, Lan Xichen mourned the loss of his own and quietly retreated from this little house where, for the last three years, he had been fed lie after lie.

He had freed his afternoon for the purpose of his two dear friends' company, but it would be easy to find some task or other that needed his attention. An emperor's work was never done. 

And work, once more, was all he had.

[leaveherwildliketheflowers]

Hi im wondering about how your partner supports you. Were you unwell when you first met him? And do you think your eating disorder and self harm effects ur relationship? I have been with my partner for 4 years & although he is patient & willing to listen when i need to talk he isnt actively involved in my recovery. I've asked him for support at meal times & stuff previously but he hasn't been willing to provide that. I know he loves me but sometimes I wish he would offer to help more

Hi Anon.

To answer this I feel like I need to give a bit of our back story so I apologize that this is long. My husband and I met when we were 13. He was my best friend all through middle school and high school. We didn't start dating until we were 18, just 6 months before we left for college. We went to different schools about 2 hours apart and made the long-distance relationship work for 4 years. We got married the summer after we graduated and have been married for 5 years. So we have a long history and have basically grown up together.

I struggled with anxiety, self harm and trauma when I first met my husband but we were just friends at the time so I didn't let him into that part of my life. My ED didn't really develop until I was 15, and again at that time my husband and I were just close friends. If he picked up on it he never brought it up. I have struggled with my ED on and off since then, stuck in a cycle of heavy use of behaviors, getting better but never fully recovering and then spiraling back into behaviors. When we started dating at 18 I was more in control of the ED. Each time I relapsed into behaviors during college he was blind to it since we were doing a long distance relationship and didn't see each other often. He knew I struggled with anxiety and knew my family had complicated dynamics but he was completely blind to my ED and self harm. He didn't discover that this was a real issue for me until after we were married and I relapsed into behaviors during our second year of marriage following a very stressful family fallout.

My mental health struggles have definitely impacted our relationship. My husband has had to learn how to support me and I am learning how to accept that support. I have had to learn how to be vulnerable with him after going nearly 20 years not trusting anyone. I wasn't truly vulnerable with him until we were several years into marriage and this is still something that I work on daily. At times my struggles have put major strain on our relationship. However, we have overcome a lot together and it has built a strong bond between us.

My husband supports me in a lot of ways. He knows me well and can tell when I am struggling. He pays attention and picks up on ques that I don't even realize that I am giving and checks in on me when he knows I am having a hard time. One of my struggles with my ED is deciding what to eat. This is a big reason I skip meals. When I am struggling with this he will go to the kitchen with me and talk through options and help me settle on something. Then he will help me make it and sit down and eat with me. If I'm struggling with depression, which is a big issue currently, he steps up with acts of service. Things like bringing me a heatpack or making me coffee. Just something small to remind me that I'm loved and cared for. He is always willing to listen when I need to talk, although listening without trying to "fix" the problem is something we are still working on.

It wasn't always like this though. As long as I have known him my husband has always been willing to show up for me. However, it has taken years of communication and trial and error for us to find ways for him to be supportive that work for both of us. That is so important. In order for it to work I have to feel like his actions are supportive and it has to be something that he is capable of doing without draining him as well. It has taken time for us to work out a system and it is something we continue to improve on because we are human and there is disconnect.

I am sorry if you aren't feeling supported the way you need. I have been there and I know how painfully lonely and frustrating that can be. I don't know you, your relationship or your situation. However, based on what you are saying it sounds like your partner wants to show up and be a support for you. I'm wondering if maybe your partner just doesn't know how to best do that. I know for my husband it wasn't until I gave him very explicit instruction on what to do versus what not to do that we started finding ways for him to be there for me. For example, I had to ask specifically for him to sit down and eat meals at the same time as me every day and then we compromised on when that would be. Maybe you could open this kind of honest communication with your partner and see if taking a more direct approach works, asking for what you need specifically. My guess is that he wants to help but doesn't offer because he doesn't know how. Have the conversation, it's hard but it's worth it. Best of luck 💕

[ariddletobesolved]

Days We Spend Under the Sun (Chapter Two)

Written for @helsa-summer-event

Fandom: Frozen

Genre: Romance, Family, Fluff, Whump

Rating: T

Summary: Summer is not her favourite season, but a certain Admiral from the neighbouring kingdom is going to change that.

Perhaps we should call this a collection of Helsa fluff drabbles. External links (including some links to the prologue and chapter one) are in the notes. Enjoy!

Prompt 2: Blue Skies and Dandelion Fuzz

—

Chapter Two

One of the best things about the forest is the serenity it offers, this pretty much she knew.

Standing near the river bank, Elsa had been staring at her own reflection for a while. It was still early in the morning when she sneaked out of Hans's warm embrace and out of her own hut in the village. Not that she didn't want to stay and cuddle—despite the fact that the weather was rather hot, but she would like some space for her to think, and the river bank being one of her favourite places in the Enchanted Forest could offer that.

Her mind began to wander to the event that happened the day before. Hans was indeed full of surprises when it came to wooing her, she was aware of that fact. But the trick he pulled, when he broke into a gallop instead of stopping to let her summon the Nokk, was one she didn't see coming. Nonetheless, she still found the journey quite enjoyable. Even during a few stops did she not try to summon the Nokk. The way he held her close to his chest was something she found comfort in. Eventually, they arrived in the forest when the sun went down, and Yelena was the first one to greet them, accompanied by Honeymaren. After having dinner, they stopped by the stable-like area in the village to give Sitron an extra bag of carrots. Tired from the long journey, they finally turned in and Elsa, of course, had to share her hut with Hans. 

Sighing in contentment, Elsa began to stretch her muscles. It had been quite some time since the last time she was back in the forest, she almost forgot how different the place was from Arendelle. It was really quiet in the morning. There was no sound of people trading or arguing, no sound of hooves clicking against the pavement, nothing but the serenity of nature. She smiled, still looking at her own reflection, before a familiar set of eyes stared back at her. The Nokk.

The water spirit rose from the river, standing tall before her in the form of a majestic horse. Elsa looked up with one hand reaching out to gently caress the spirit. Affectionately nuzzling its face close to hers, it was as if the Nokk tried to tell her that it missed her. Elsa let out a chuckle, for she was amused by the spirit.

"I've missed you too, Nokk." She said. "Sorry about yesterday, but Hans had another plan. At least we're here now."

The horse walked around above the river, and Elsa tilted her head in confusion.

"Are you complaining, now?" She raised her eyebrow. But before she could react, she saw a flash of fire. It danced from stone to stone, before stopping beside her feet. Bending down, Elsa smiled. "Hello, little guy!"

The fire died down, and a blue salamander crawled upon her open palm. Elsa conjured a small rain of snowflakes to the creature's amusement, as it poked its tongue out to catch some fallen snowflakes.

"You like it, huh?"

Blinking and tilting its head, Bruni, the fire spirit, stared at her with something like glee. It was obvious that the fire spirit was glad to have her back. The blonde grinned, finding the gesture adorable. Looking up, she saw the Nokk staring at her intensely.

"What?"

The water horse motioned at the path towards the village.

"You want to see Hans?" She inquired. At the mention of the former prince, Bruni smiled wider. "Why, so you can try to drown him again?"

If Nokk could laugh, it would certainly roll onto its belly, Elsa was sure of that. The unspoken tension between the two brought back a memory of their first meeting. It happened shortly after Hans was released from a three hour long questioning, in which the decision sparked a brief tension between her and her sister. Anna, being the wise queen she was, decided that she found nothing harmful with his presence back in Arendelle. Hans was there to deliver an invitation under the Crown Prince of the Southern Isles' order. Elsa, refusing to accept it, mounted on the Nokk and rode across the ocean towards where his ship was in the harbour. They had a quarrel which resulted in him slipped on Elsa's ice and fell into the water. The Nokk, that was offended by Hans' accidental name calling 'water horse' did try to drown him, leaving Elsa standing on her ice.

"He is not the same man, you know." She sighed, making her way towards the majestic horse. Bruni crawled up and rested on her shoulder. "He has grown to be a better person, don't you worry about it."

Elsa smiled at that thought. It wasn't easy to get where she was, but time had given them a chance. Then, faintly, she heard some footsteps walking closer. She turned, only to see Ryder walking with a smaller reindeer.

"Morning, Elsa."

She smiled. "Ryder! I didn't see you last night. How are you holding up?"

The young man returned the smile, half shrugging sheepishly. "Well, I'm fine, I guess? I've been taking care of the reindeers." He nudged the reindeer standing beside him, who nudged back. "This one is John."

"Oh," Elsa tried to bite back a laugh, "that's quite a name for a reindeer."

"I know." Ryder brushed it off as if it was nothing, certainly not aware of Elsa's amused face. "Oh, and one more thing, Hans is looking for you."

"Sure." Elsa turned to the Nokk, who was tilting its head. "I'll be there shortly."

"Great! I'll head off to the meado now." He said. "Also, the breakfast is ready, so you better go back soon."

Nodding, she looked back. "Sure. I'll see you later, Ryder."

"See you later, Elsa." With that, he took off with the reindeer.

Once again, she was left alone with the spirits. "You're coming, Nokk?" Instead of answering, the Nokk turned around and dived into the water. "So, it's just us." Elsa turned to the excited salamander, that was now crawling onto the top of her head. "Fine, it seems like you really are excited to see Hans."

She made her way towards a familiar path that led her back to the village. Taking a deep breath, she let the clean morning breeze fill her system. She looked up to the blue sky and sighed. Nothing topped a nice breezy summer morning. It was rather warm in the forest, since summer had arrived up north, but she liked it. Unlike Anna, Elsa wasn't a huge fan of summer. She couldn't really stand the heat, and would take every opportunity to take shelter under the shade. The reason why she agreed to Hans' suggestion to ditch the carriage—other than to spend more private time together on the journey—was because of her ability to conjure some clouds above them should the weather be too sunny.

The sound of children playing around and people starting the day got louder as Elsa walked closer to the village. From afar, she spotted a familiar auburn haired Admiral sitting on the ground with two bowls of steaming food beside him. He looked far too engrossed in a conversation with a brunette sitting before him, he didn't see her coming.

Elsa saw this as an opportunity to surprise him, but before she could do such a thing, Bruni already beat her to it. The salamander hopped from her head and landed safely on the ground, before it crawled towards the Admiral. Upon the tiny element of surprise, Hans almost jumped on his seat. Bruni settled on his shoulder, causing him to turn and saw Elsa standing nearby.

"Elsa." He looked a little taken aback, before flashing her a smile. "Have you been there for a while?"

"No." Taking a seat next to him, Elsa pecked his lips shortly. "I have just arrived." She then turned to the brunette. "Morning, Maren."

"Good morning, Elsa." Honeymaren smiled. "Did you see Ryder?"

"Yes, I did." Elsa nodded, taking a bowl Hans offered her. "Thank you, Hans." Turning back to her distant cousin, she continued, "So, what were you two talking about? You both seemed engrossed."

Honeymared glanced at Hans, before replying, "Nothing that would interest you, really. Hans was asking about the crops, yeah."

Hans smiled. He didn't say anything, instead, he gave her hand a gentle squeeze. But something told Elsa that it wasn't exactly their main topic of discussion.

"Okay."

"Where were you?" Hans asked. "I woke up this morning and you were nowhere to be seen."

"I was at the river bank, talking to Nokk, before Bruni came." She smiled at the beaming salamander. "They missed you."

Hans playfully rolled his eyes. "Yeah, as if the water horse misses me. I wouldn't be surprised if the little guy here did, or maybe Gale, since it greeted me earlier before deciding to play with those kids." He gestured at the wind spirit swirling around two giggling children.

Elsa grinned in response. "What did I tell you? Nokk doesn't like it."

"What will the Nokk do anyway, try to drown me?" He raised a brow, before shrugging. "Anyway, you should finish your breakfast. Are you going to visit Ahtohallan later today?"

She shook her head no. "I'll go to Ahtohallan tomorrow."

"Great! Because I have a plan for the two of us later." Hans beamed, briefly glancing at Honeymaren, who shrugged slightly.

Elsa narrowed her eyes. "What is it?"

"That, Kaere, is for me to know," Hans poked the tip of her nose, "and for you to find out."

"Fine."

Elsa beamed. Excitement surged through her, as her mind began to think of a few possibilities. She might look as if she wasn't expecting much, but deep inside, anticipation was building up. She looked forward to whatever adventure he had in store for her.

[heloisedaphnebrightmore]

Ok so first of all, idk what those anons are saying, but I think you're not just a fantastic writer, but you're also an incredible person in general! I'm so glad you're able to look past those cruel words and know your worth. By refusing to respond, you have taken away all of their power and I commend you for it.

Now that I've got that off my chest, I can get back to our convo. 😊

I'm just saying, it was like, 3 weeks instead of a month. You gotta give me credit for that. 😄 But yeah, life's a little crazy for us all sometimes and it just happened to be my turn.

120 Euros is insane! And some of them are more!? Here I just have to sign up on a website and pick a time. I had to drive an hour to get one the day of once, but it was worth it. I can only imagine how tough that would be. I would be so nervous if I got sick. I actually haven't caught a cold this year which I'm not sure how that's possible because I'm usually sick a lot and I'm super thankful.

Wait... You're telling me I actually have to take the advice I give? 😅 Lol, so I've started writing my response about 4 times now (I'm easily distracted) but it's been kind of nice because I drink water every time just to be able to say I did.

I haven't heard of that author before! I'll have to put them on my never ending reading list.

Omg, I am absolutely dying at how into this search you are. Don't think I didn't see your bio. 😂 I love how Tumblr is in on it too. Why yes Gina. Tis me, your subconscious. 🤣🤣🤣

Except for I actually am giving you clues, they're just super subtle and you've gotta read between the lines. If you look closely, I've actually answered both of those questions. 😉 (If you still can't figure it out I'll answer them but I wanna see if you can tell by looking at my previous messages)

Also, I think it's only fair that if we're talking about me, I wanna learn more about you too! What's your favorite movie?

Omg you got me! I'm definitely E.T. How'd you guess!? -⭐

P.S. One of these days I'm gonna trip up and forget to flip the anon switch so you'll certainly figure it out one way or another. 😉

My little star is back 💖!!

Awww, the amount of love I have for you is overwhelming and I don’t even know who you are. 🥺 Don’t you worry, I don’t let people bring me down, I’m way too proud for that. 😂 And I completely get that people’s life turn chaotic so I’m just glad you are back. 💖

Pounds, not euros, but yes, it’s not cheap. 😁 Healthcare in the UK is free, but the prescriptions and this particular test aren’t. It’s not that bad if you think about the fact that you don’t have to pay for further treatment because it’s free. What do you mean you are usually sick a lot? You mean catching a cold and stuff, not more serious kind, right?

Wait... You're telling me I actually have to take the advice I give?

That loud snort I let out when I read that. 😂 No, you don’t have to take them, they are just hanging in the air for the fun of it. 😂 I’m glad you are drinking enough in the end, my slippers are always ready to teach you a lesson. 😁

I really was hoping you would see my bio! I really am invested in this quest of finding out who you are and tumblr doesn’t seem to want to help! 🤣 I have a confession to make. I even have a post in my drafts which I planned to post if you haven’t showed up soon. Here is a screenshot of the title 😂

Also it’s 4am here and I’m reading through all of our conversations from the very beginning when you messaged me about Shadowhunters. You are a bad influence, but let’s get started, because no, I don’t want to talk about me, I am ready to find out who you are! 😂

It will be long, so click on that keep reading button if it shows up. Sometimes it doesn’t 😂

What I know about you so far; Shadowhunters edition

You like Clary because she has flaws.

In your opinion Simon is the best character.

Book!Alec is your least favourite character.

You think Jonathan and Valentine were ok villains, but not the best.

You are a sucker for Jace.

Izzy is also one of your other favourites and you hate the Yin fen plot mostly because it led to Rizzy and a toxic relationship.

You also love Max and we agreed that COG is taboo and we preferred the series version.

What I know about you so far; Personal edition

You are adorable

You are mysterious

You are sweet - and now let’s get started 💖😂

6 days ago you wrote; the new semester has started

You are hoping you'll be able to read and interact a little more

You love my nickname for you 🙈💖

You only kind of take care of yourself; Let me get my slipper! 😅

You are on a campus where people make food for you when you actually get your backside out of the room 😂

You are doing a research project on landing mechanics in a specific sport; This is where I thought I knew who you were. Then you destroyed it by saying; You are majoring in science and you like testing and analyzation 🙈 

You are considering a career in research one day which will be beneficial for your grad school application; This is where you got me confused. 😅 If you are to apply to grad school, that means you are doing your undergraduate degree now, which means you are supposed to be over 18 😂 But here we just call it University so I’m not 100% sure about what grad school is 😂Or are you in college which could be from the age of 16 and that’s before grad school too 😅

You have to get tested constantly at your school 

You have never seen Ben Barnes in anything and we haven’t talked about him until now

You got 2 assignments in one class 😂

You take long to decide what to read, as in physical books so you end up reading fanfic instead!

You feel like a spy as my anon 🤣

You are not an AI, but you are an Alien, ET to be exact 😅 and you are building a rocket ship to fly back to your planet

You keep sending me to drink water, but you don’t take your advice!!!

We talked a few times in different places; How is that a clue?! 😂

You get easily distracted 

You get sick a lot; I don’t like the sound of that!

You never heard of J.R. Ward

So in conclusion, 

Do I follow you? Haven’t found the answer to that, but since you said we have talked here and there, I assume I do.

Are you a minor or over 18+? If my assumptions about grad schools are correct then you are doing your undergrads now so yes, 18+.

Did I get any closer to who you are? No! 

Why? Because this “I’m majoring in science” threw me off completely 🙈 My one solid lead disappeared into thin air... bye bye Sherlock Holmes, welcome Dumb and Dumber 😅

Did I just spend 1 hour replying to this, searching for all the clues and now I’m going to bed at 5am just because I’m so determined in my quest? You bet, I did 🤣 

Also from the way you talk/write, I get US vibes. Probably I’m incorrect but oh well 😅

Now can you please give me a solid clue? I’m begging you! 🤣💖 Maybe the first letter of your first name or your exact age, maybe a birthday so I can completely ignore that one clue in my head? Doesn’t matter which one, but at least one, pretty please 😁

[thesasscat]

The Mandela Effect

I don't know who might see this but I'm going to say this right now I AM NOT CRAZY! I just need someone, ANYONE to believe me! It all started a few days ago . .

My life is FAR from perfect, my wife and I are poor getting by on thrifting, and food pantries; I work a job I despise, but my family is what makes it beautiful. The day ended as usual, tucking my eldest in bed for the night, getting my infant to sleep and finally my wife and I going to bed.

This is where things, went so wrong. I've lived my whole life not knowing my greatest fear until I learned about a moment in history called "The man from a country that doesn't exist" and then i realised that was in fact my greatest fear. I'm now living that scenario!

* * *

I woke up in an apartment I have never seen before. Already freaked out I went to get out of bed but found I wasn't alone, I was hoping it was my wife and some how this would make sense, but no it was my ex; I screamed. He woke with a start.

"Cat! What the hell?!."

"What date is it!"

"What has gotten-"

"WHAT FUCKING DATE IS IT!"

"It's December nineth, twenty-twenty. Why are you being such a bitch this morning?!"

Slightly less panicked but also more annoyed with him, I jumped out of the bed and found my phone. I left the room to look for my eldest, I doubted I would find my infant in whatever nightmare I was in! "Felicity! Time to get up! Felicity?!" WHERE IS SHE!

I started feeling tears spring to my eyes as panic welled up again. I searched for my wife in my contacts. It's not here! I tried finding on my Facebook list. No! But I noticed a mutual friend that introduced us however was online. Please have answers! This can't be happening! Please don't let this be real!

Hey question ur still friends w/ Rosalina on Discord or Facebook or wutever yes?

I waited what seemed like an hour, whiping my tears, even though it was likely just three minutes for their response.

U know Rosy?

Uh ya! U introduced us we've been together...well a while now!

......uhhh r u ok? Cuz I never introduced u 2......Cat....she killed herself 2 years ago....I'm sorry but if this is some kind of sick joke it's not funny!

The floor and ceiling suddenly inverted, and everything went black

* * *

I woke up in the same strange apartment but on a couch this time, my head ached as I tried remember everything before. My heart dropped as I remembered what Juno told me, tears spraing up again in gusto, as grief washed over me remembering my wife was dead, likely on the same date as her last attempt but this time she suceeded.

She never knew how much I loved her, of the beautiful baby girl we had together, she never knew the life we built together. I would never have the chance to ever look into those beautiful green eyes of hers or even run my fingers through her hair.

"CAT!"

I snapped to attention he must have been trying to get my attention for a while.

"What."

"Ok what the fuck is up with you today? And who is Felicity?!"

"Our kid! You know sassy blonde blue eyes carbon copy of my but smaller ring any bells?" I completely forgot how much he really brought out the worst in me.

"Did you hit your head or something because you're acting completely crazy!"

"I'M NOT CRAZY!" I shouted bolting upright, "I'M STUCK IN THE MANDELA EFFECT AND NONE OF THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPENING! I LEFT YOU. THREE YEARS AGO! WE HAD A KID! I MOVED ON AND YOU DIDN'T I FOUND SOMEONE NEW AND YOU ALWAYS HATED THAT! HATED THAT I MOVED ON TO SOMEONE BETTER AND STOPPED TAGGING AROUND WITH YOU! THAT I BEGAN PUTTING UP BARRIERS AND REFUSED TO LET YOU TEAR THEM DOWN!" My face felt hot, I was shaking as all of this sank in. He looked taken aback but it didn't matter.

Felicity doesn't even exist here either, my whole life I had before is completely gone for good. My sweet girls.... Annabelle..... Felicity.....

"Uh huh.......you haven't started any new medication right?"

"FUCK YOU!" I shouted, throwing the nearest object at him. I left out the front door livid, not even bothering to grab a change of clothes or shoes, and did something I never thought I would do. I opened my phone and called my mom.

"Hey sweetie!"

"Mom... can you come get me?"

A pause.

"<Dead nam>-" I grimaced as I did my best to pretend she didn't dead name me, "Im, in Utah remember? I would love to see you but that's a bit of a drive, i would have to make just for a visit. Is everything ok?" I pondered whether to tell her or not, but I figured the worst she could do is point out the fact psychosis runs in the family, or just make it about her.

"You'll believe me right?"

Her tone of voice changed to her lawyer voice, "<Dead name> are you safe or do you need someone to get you?"

"No it's just you remember me talling you and the story of a man from a country that didn't exist......and how that freaked me out more than anything in the world?" I tried keeping my voice steady, as tears welled up again.

"Yes but what does that have to do with our conversation?"

I drew a breath, and my words came flooding out "I'm living in it, I'm in some kind of worLD WHERE SOMEHOW I'M BACK WITH CLYDE AND ROSY AND I WERE NEVER TOGETHER WE NEVER HAD OUR LITTLE FAMILY AND WE NEVER MET AND WE NEVER WILL MEET AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE HER GRAVE IS SO I CAN NEVER GO SEE HER AND I'M SCARED AND I WANT THIS TO BE JUST A REALLY BAD DREAM BUT IT'S NOT AND I WANT OUT OF HERE!" I finished through sobs.

Another pause "Ok I am going to call Emily to come get you and let her know you need some air, but I think maybe a trip to the psych hospital is also possibly needed-"

"MOM! I'M NOT CRAZY I DON'T BELONG IN THIS LIFE! YOU HAVE TWO OTHER GRANDCHILDREN THEIR NAMES ARE FELICITY AND ANNABELLE. FELICITY IS FOUR, SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE ME SHE'S SASSY, LOVES POKEMON, MY LITTLE PONY AND DINOSAURS! ANNABELLE IS ALMOST A YEAR OLD SHE WAS THE NICU BABY SHE HAS RED HAIR, SHE'S THE FANCY GIRL! SHE LOVES SOFT THINGS, CUDDLES AND SOFIA THE FIRST! ROSALINA WAS MY WIFE SHE WAS A FEW INCHES TALLER THAN ME AND WE HAD SUCH A WONDERFUL LIFE TOGETHER!" I'm shaking worse than ever.

"<Dead name>"

"STOP CALLING ME THAT I CAME OUT AS NONBONARY AND CHANGED MY NAME 6 YEARS AGO!"

"I'm going to call your sister now." She said before hainging up. I threw my phone on the ground with all of my strength. I wanted to scream to hit my head as hard as possible and hope to wake up finding out this wasn't real. THIS CAN'T BE REAL!

My younger sister texted my phone the notification popping up on my now shattered screen.

Mom is on the phone with me right now

R u sure ur ok?

I typed furiously, wincing as my fingers caught on glass splinters.

I'M NOT CRAZY!!!!!

* * *

I'm refusing to go any redirect my sister asked for us to go to outside of her place, I know they're having me committed. I'm trying to act casual as I try typing this all on my phone and pretending my shattered screen isn't a big deal. I need just one person please say you believe me! I'm NOT crazy like everyone thinks I am. I'm not acting out some complex delusion, these people I am now grieving are real and I love them more than life itself.

Please, anyone at all tell me you believe me, please show me I'm not the crazy person every one is saying I've become.

[deniigi]

Confused anon and I found it!! I can now definitively say that one conversation is the 45th time MJ is typed and then the second conversation is typings 46-48. And now that I've found that, what thoughts/musings do you have/want to share about how Peter met Matt and when their meeting falls with respect to Pete and MJ. That was also a confusing question, sorry. But I love your writing!!

AHA.

I know what you’re talking about now. ITSV Matt and Peter’s relationship! (I was tripped up by trying to figure out which verse you were talking about, but I got it now!)

Right, so ITSV Matt (Little Red) is around 18 months older than Blondie, so they’re much closer in terms of age than other Matts and Peters, but they have reversed starting points.

Blondie became Spiderman way before Little Red became DD, so basically, Little Red starts out around 24ish as DD and runs into Blondie who’s been doing the vigilante thing for like, around 8 years by that point and so Blondie sees this new guy on the scene who’s kind of feral and very skittish and decides that they’re gonna be friends. Blondie sees Little Red, at first, as kind of a pet project–like trying to gain the trust of a stray cat. And about six months or so into this gradual trust exercise, Blondie and MJ break up after a rough patch. And that lasts about 2 years. So in that time in between, Blondie and Little Red grow pretty close, as people/friends, and start fooling around. It’s not serious until it is and about when Little Red works up the courage to ask for something a little more committed is when MJ comes back into the picture for Blondie. He makes the decision to go be with MJ and Little Red is hurt by that, like, really hurt, but does the typical Matt thing with smiling and saying, ‘no, no. that really is for the best. You absolutely should do that.’

Blondie feels really really bad about the whole thing and makes an effort to show Little Red that he is absolutely not being cut out of his life because of his and MJ’s marriage; his and Little Red’s relationship is on the mend when he gets tanked.

In Into the Multiverse, after Blondie comes back, he and Little Red kind of struggle to re-find their place with each other, trying to make a Team Red among themselves and Miles without being weird about it.

But straight up? Blondie still has major feelings there. And Little Red is still very hurt–relieved that Blondie is okay and totally willing to work with him, but hurt. Little Red has finally decided to try to move on by attempting to seduce his Foggy (I am actually calling this Foggy ‘Blue’ in my head atm, it is very cute) and Blue is starting to reciprocate and be charmed. He and Little Red have just started dancing around something a little more committed/stable around the time Blondie comes back, which is why MJ (all four, MJ, Blondie, Little Red, and Blue are friends, more or less) freaks out when she learns that Little Red is DD.

Anyways, I wrote a practice piece a while back, trying to sort through what ITSV Wade is gonna look like and in that, there is a lot of that tension between the many bodies involved here, so here’s a bit of that, below the cut.

I am very interested in this version of team red and the relationships here right now so this was great timing anon!

—-

Matt was pissed at him for havingmade him say words about emotions the day before and so refused to answer anyof Peter’s texts. But Peter had the day off and zero shame. He caught the trainto Hell’s Kitchen and opened the office door.

The place was the zoo it usuallywas, although this time, Karen the Blonde was sitting at the desk in the centerof it, directing people to chairs in front of offices.

Karen was unspeakably beautiful.Too beautiful. Peter smiled at her and said he was there to see Matt Murdockand she didn’t know his face and so told him to take a seat. Foggy came out afew minutes later to fetch his next client and his face went wide on seeingPeter.

“Hey, what’s up?” he asked.

Karen behind him went stiff inrealization that she’d made a mistake.

“Not much, just waiting for ourfavorite problem child to have a minute to chat,” Peter said.

Foggy frowned at him.

“He’s not in,” he said, “Took ahalf day, said he wasn’t feeling well.”

Yeah, sure. Of course he was.

Karen apologized for themisunderstanding and Peter waved her off with a smile and a dull throb in thebottom of his heart. She didn’t mean to be upsetting Matt. And given that Fogsdidn’t seem too worried about anything, he certainly hadn’t talked to him aboutanything yet.

“Right, well. I’ll go see if he’sat home, then,” Peter said. He left.

Foggy caught him in the hallwaybefore he could hit the stairs.

“You okay, Peter?” he asked.

“Hmm? What, no, I’m fine. Why?”

“No, it’s just. Uh. Listen, I’msorry for going off on you the other day.”

Aw.

“It’s no problem, man,” he said,“Boundaries and all that.” Foggy’s smile flickered a little. Peter made surethat he saw him notice it.

“Are you alright?” he asked.

“What? Oh, sure. Ah, you know.The usual. Matty’s been spending a lot of time out the last few weeks and I’mjust—well, you know.”

He did know.

“Has he been with you?”

Nope, but Peter had a feeling heknew who he was with now.

“I’ll go see if I can find him,”he said. Foggy was relieved, his forehead smoothed out a bit.

“Thank you.”

Uh-huh. Don’t mention it.

 –

Matt wasn’t back where thesniper’s nest had been, so Peter went and checked the other Wade’s junk-foodpoint. No one was there either. He then searched out the favorite haunts of theother versions of Murdock he’d encountered. It was getting dark when he finallypuffed out his cheeks and headed down south to Brooklyn to meet Miles. Twoheads, he thought. They needed two heads.

 —

Miles got on with Matt with acasual ease which Peter kind of envied. To be fair, those two spent more timetogether than he and Matt did these days. Matt was very concerned about Miles’sabysmal lack of fighting form and practice. He dragged the kid to half of theabandoned gyms in the city on the regular and put him through some thoroughlyunnecessary routines.

Miles, for his part, seemed toenjoy them. He also like to take the piss out of Matt when he could and Peterwas pleased to find that Matt accepted this more easily than he’d originallyaccepted Peter’s presence. They’d gotten there but it had taken some work.

Miles made a perfect sad facewhen Peter told him what was up. Then he declared that he’d find Matt, noproblem.

“I don’t doubt it,” Peter said.Miles squinted at him in suspicion.

 –

Two hours in and Peter was tryingto believe his own words.

“Maybe he went home?” Milesasked.

Maybe.

They headed south to check.

 –

No dice.

 –

Maybe Peter was fixating on this.Maybe Peter was more worried about this than necessary. Maybe Peter was stillfeeling a couple of feelings towards Matt.

He couldn’t help it, they werejust there.

“Why’re you so sad?” Miles asked.“Matt’s a ninja, he’ll be okay.”

Mmm. Okay was relative.

“You’re married, Peter.”

Fuck this kid. Peter didn’t needgremlin interference in his head. He already had anxiety interference in hishead.

“We’re just friends,” he said.

“Kay, so why’re you mad aboutKaren then?”

Dude, what? Who said he was madabout Karen?

“You keep making this face whenher name comes up.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Yeah, you do. Are you jealous?”

Aigh. It always came back tothis, didn’t it.

“I’m not jealous,” he said. “I’mjust, I dunno, protective. Matt’s one of my people, now. I don’t like anyonewho hurts him. He’s already got enough people hurting him.”

Miles cocked his head and lookedout at the twinkling lights of the city.

“Maybe that’s why he likes DP,”he said. “He doesn’t worry about him. Probably makes him feel less guilty.”

That was.

Remarkably insightful.

He waited a second and then gaveMiles a playful shove.

“You’re a smart cookie, you knowthat?” he asked.

Miles shoved him back.

“Duh.”

 –

“Matthew.”

“Jesus, Pete. Wear a bell orsomething.”

He shouldn’t have to. Matt wassupposed to have superhearing.

“MJ’s out for a thing tonight.I’m lonely. Come eat garbage with me.”

Matt laughed and shrugged on hisjacket. Loosened his tie.

“Sorry, man. I’m booked.”

Peter made sure to put on hissour-puss face.

“Fogs?” he said.

“Nah.”

“Wade?”

Matt paused and then turned hishead in his direction and cocked it.

“What’s the matter with you?” heasked.

“Nothing. I’m just being nosy.”

“Why don’t you like DP? He hasn’tdone anything to you.”

“Oooooh, well. You know. He’s amurderer, for one. And—yeah, no. Mostly because he’s a murderer.”

Matt’s face was smooth while heconsidered him. Then he finished pulling on his coat.

“Not all of us are so squeakyclean, Pete,” he said.

“You guys fucking?”

“Peter.”

“I’m just askin’, man. I thoughtyou and Fogs—”

“Can we not?”

Peter was taken aback by thetone. He recoiled without meaning to and caught himself doing it. Made himselfstand up straight.

“Sorry,” he said.

“Whatever,” Matt grumbled. “I’mheaded out. I’ll catch you around.”

Peter watched him go. When thedoor closed and locked, he ducked back out of the window and clicked it shutfrom the outside. He didn’t like this. He didn’t like quiet Wade. He didn’tlike sad Matt. The only thing going for them right now was Miles’s seeminglyendless enthusiasm.

Shit was giving him heartburn.