#this has probably already been written but i felt like writing my own version so here

[burningblake]

ASH BEGINS TO FALL | A High School AU ↪ Ace and Nancy meet for the first time at Keen High, while he's still a senior and she a sophomore.

He doesn't notice her at first. Frankly, it looks like she'd rather not be noticed. Unless it is normal for sophomore girls to hide in the farthest corner of the library during class recess hours. He's arranging some of the students' returned books on shelf ZA when he finally catches a glimpse of her through a gap in the stacked tomes. And of course, he immediately recognizes her—The girl who made the volcano erupt.

Read on AO3

Excerpt:

He doesn't notice her at first. Frankly, it looks like she'd rather not be noticed. Unless it is normal for sophomore girls to hide in the farthest corner of the library during class recess hours. He's arranging some of the students' returned books on shelf ZA when he finally catches a glimpse of her through a gap in the stacked tomes. And of course, he immediately recognizes her—The girl who made the volcano erupt. 

Only now she's slumped against the wall, head buried between her elbows. And from the way her shoulders are trembling, he knows that she's crying. 

He hesitates at the adjacent aisle, his eyes rounding, as a surge of protectiveness waves through his chest. Ace doesn't understand it. Even though he does have a crush on her. But he's had many crushes in his seventeen years of life and he barely knows this girl for it to be any different. For the time being, though, he's willing to attribute it to the fact that he's a cop's son. Granted, former cop. But the protective instincts must be an inherited thing. 

He doesn't mean to check her out, the details rather register on their own. The way her jeans curve around her hips, and the green color of her top flatters her pale skin, and her unique shade of red hair curls around at the edges. 

For several seconds, he just stands there, arguing with the idea of going near her. It's obvious that she's chosen this setting for the chance to be alone. So the prudent thing to do is to grant her the space. 

He almost does that, tucking the books back into their gap, and turning away. But in his haste, he's done a lousy job of the placement. The volumes tumble back out. He barely has time to throw his hands out, as they cascade to the floor with noise—A thunderstorm would have probably been quieter. 

The girl raises her head with a soft gasp. 

"Who's there?" she demands, her voice clear and firm, despite its dampness. It almost sounds as though she expects something really scary to be there. 

Ace stumbles out to the start of her aisle, palms raised. "I'm sorry, didn't mean to disturb you."

Or maybe he did. Considering how his heart flutters at entering the radar of those sharp, perceptive eyes. She gapes at him quietly for a while, all red eyes and wet cheeks. And despite everything, he thinks that she looks adorable. 

[acourtofthought]

Lol you're hilarious. Everything about the story and SJM's recent online activities AND the articles point towards elriel endgame but y'all will only stop when elriel is announced I guess.

Anons like this are always better than a cup of coffee because wow, do they wake my brain up in an instant.

Articles pointing to an E/riel endgame? You mean articles written by journalists who never sat down with SJM and who never even spoken to the author or Bloomsbury regarding the content? Articles that were factually incorrect, one originally claiming that SJM was the author of the Elemental series with a hyperlink to a different authors Amazon page? Journalists who definitely are not more qualified than Sarah's own best friend who is on record as saying she doesn't think E/riel is happening?

Also, if we're really claiming her posts as possible clues of which we have zero evidence they are, those clues suggest Elain more than any ship.

Bloomsbury tweeted flowers and fire (not stars or a night sky). Which actually would hint at Lucien over Az.

She had the book of flowers displayed during her live. It's cute how some tried to claim there was a black bat on the spine of the book but alas, it was a blue petal.

She wore a Bambi sweater with flowers during an IG and yes that sweater was on a black background but only because that's how the shirt is produced. I'm sorry but you can't be so ridiculous as to think that the author would want to wear that particular sweater (something she's owned for years as it was mentioned in another article from way back when) but second guess herself because the black background it was already on might have people thinking it hints at Az.

The Spring story had nothing, NOTHING to connect to Az but if you recall from the actual books, Lucien is permanently stationed in the Spring Court.

Let's break down the Az clues you're so confident in.

She was writing ACOTAR 5 in September. She was already into the process to the point that she was obsessed with the book, that it felt like having a crush, that she was so focused on it she didn't even have time to make a treat for her childs school. So that probably means she was at least a few chapters in? A third in? In February, about 5 months later, she did a fan made bracket (that did not include Lucien). and said Az was someone she'd be exploring more in the future.

She wrote the current version of HOFAS in a month. If she had already been working on ACOTAR 5 and had already spent 5/6 months writing about Az, why would Az be someone she wanted to explore more in the future? Shouldn't she have already explored him in e/riels book?

The post where SJM went up North to draft and stopped in front of a small body of water in the middle of the mountains? Guess what, Koschei's LAKE is hidden in a forest, surrounded by mountains. Illyria is not the only place in their entire world with mountains and pine trees. Also, Vallahan is surrounded by mountains on the map! Places SJM could easily have written about in this next book, places more connected to Lucien, Elain and Vassa. And as mentioned above, she said she was up north to draft. It is now 7 months since she did the Live interview talking about how she was working on ACOTAR 5. Chances are, whatever she was up North drafting is not ACOTAR but her next project.

Onto Guilty as Sin. My point mentioned above twice still stands. Why are you assuming it made her think of a book that's probably already written rather than a book she may be working on? Maybe it gave her the feels for the LoA / Helion's love story as they were forbidden lovers who were not yet lovers in their youth. Sarah has often spoken about wanting to write an ACOTAR book set in the past, maybe it's time for theirs. Mor heard rumors that the LoA waited before agreeing to Beron's proposal, after having met Helion at an Equinox the previous year. Helion claims that he heard her family wanted ties to power. At that time (before they ever had an affair), the LoA and Helion would have been forbidden because he had no real power. If you recall, he only became HL during Amarantha's reign after she killed the HL of Day and most of their family. Or maybe she is writing about the Seraphim from 500 years ago, before the first war. Where Miryam and Drakon fell in love when she was with Jurian.

Would it honestly make sense for her to be excited about a song that she just heard for the first time three days ago over a book that should be finished save for maybe final edits?

I like imagining how these things might hint at Elain and Lucien too, it's fun in this drought of ACOTAR info. But I don't have such blinders on that it makes me unable to consider other possibilities.

Stop claiming you see the whole picture when you are only selecting the puzzle pieces you like best. Trying putting the entire thing together if you want to have a chance at sounding like you know what you're talking about.

You guess we'll stop when e/riel is announced? You mean the ship that ended on Solstice, the ship Elain did not shed a single tear over the way she cried for Graysen (someone we know that she loved)? Elain returned Az's necklace and never once looked like she was struggling with moving on. What kind of Elain stan are you, having Elain daydream of being with the guy who rejected her and couldn't confirm real feelings to his own brother? Are doormats now the rage?

I think I remember the Bryce / Az shippers saying the same thing, how we'd see when CC3 was released, but guess who was victorious on that front? The people who believed Bryce was ending up with her mate.

[philaet0s]

So I decided to start posting my social media AU here, in parts, and without the few bits that happen off social media that will be on the ao3 version <3

As an introduction, here’s a little bit of context:

Baz is an world-famous singer. At the beginning of the story, he’s about to go on tour for his 5th album

He and Simon are in a relationship but it’s not public. Simon asks Baz if he can make a twitter account where he claims to be Baz’s boyfriend because he thinks it’d be fun to see how people react

Baz’s albums, because I’ve thought about them a lot —except for the first one— lol:

Ergo, - 2019

→ he just wanted to be pretentious with a latin word honestly + the word “ergo” has this intrinsic meaning of consequence. for something to have a consequence, there *has* to be a something, but there’s nothing that comes before the album. it’s his first. it’s a sort of oxymoron with just one word, something contradictory at its core, Baz likes that

I don’t really know what Baz’s first album is like. the themes would probably be rather dark, but I don’t have a clear idea of what the album would represent like i do for the others. and yet i know there’s an album before those others. something that started it all

Flowers in the Water - 2020

→ a reference to Ophelia from Hamlet, who drowned surrounded by flowers. in this album baz explores his feelings after his break up. he was the one to leave his boyfriend who he was in a pretty toxic relationship with though he still had love for him. so he never had much agency during the relationship (as Ophelia doesn’t have agency during most of the play and her life) and the one time he acted on his own, he ‘ruined his life’ -the feeling of despair after a break up, when you think you’ll never find love like that again, even if it was bad (as Ophelia did when she killed herself). Cliché image of the break up as a sort of death, but you can be cliché when you’re heartbroken

baz’s ex used to buy him flowers, so there was this vase in their flat that for a long time always had flowers in it. after a while, towards the end of the relationship, baz noticed that it had been a moment since there had been flowers in the vase, and that was one of the things that made it hit that his bf didn’t care about him anymore

BUT the ‘vase’ is replaced by ‘water’ in the title of the album – a nice metonymy – to better fit the Ophelia reference.

Portrait of the Artist as a Madman - Feb. 2021

obvious reference to james joyce’s Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man. Baz reread the book during lockdown so he had that title in mind. he used Madman instead of Young Man because we all went a little crazy during lockdown so that was his state of mind when he wrote the album

his most reflexive album, in which he writes very personal things about who he was and is, but also his persona as a singer and the way the music industry impacts him and his life

The Prophecy - Sept. 2021

baz really wanted to use the word prophecy in a title. it’s his favourite word in the english language. it’s a very meaningful word, prophecies were a huge deal for ancient civilisations, prophets are important figures in the abrahamic religions + he likes the idea of a prophecy, something being foretold, an inevitable end, no matter what one does. it’s very tragic, he likes that

this album is about his new relationship with simon, a romantic piece about how when they met, he felt like their story had already been written and all they had to do was play it out, he felt this inevitability that he associates with prophecies. simon is the love that was foretold for him

Metamorphoses - 2022

in reference to Ovid’s metamorphoses. Baz reuses some of the stories in the Metamorphoses while also applying them to his life, creating songs that are a blend of mythology and personal. (his fans love trying to guess what is merely his interpretation of Ovid’s stories and what is personal elements he added to the songs). the songs are ordered in a way that shows how baz was transformed throughout his life to become the version of himself he is at the time of writing the album. a sort of memoir told through a dozen songs

Paroxysm - 2023

paroxysm: a sudden sharp attack (of pain, rage, laughter, etc)

the meaning of the word is why baz chose it as a title. he thought it fit the album, which he wrote very differently from his previous ones –in bursts. his creativity was renewed after Metamorphoses, which was a project that felt to him more like writing a book than songs, and it expressed itself differently. in this album, the topics he writes about are all different, with nothing to give a coherent theme to the album… which is the theme in itself. all the songs are little paroxysms

[pianokantzart]

Can you imagine if the Mario bros from the movie met with their game counterparts?

There’s so much potential there, if they are so similar but so different: take Mario who has grown up in Brooklyn, never felt like he was making a difference, and JUST discovered a magical world where he belongs, compared to Mario who has grown up in the mushroom kingdom, is a world wide hero doing enough feats of talent to show that he lives up to the fame in a week, and has live as a hero his whole life

Plus there’s different mechanics and story lines, imagine if one of the game Mario bros die but come back with an extra life and just act like it’s normal, what if they swap universes for a day and you have a new inexperienced Mario meets classic characters and a experienced Mario meeting a Peach who had to fill his role as the jack of all trades

I thought this was a really cool obvious idea but I haven’t seen anyone else’s take on it

It's funny you should bring it up! Because even though I've never written it down (and probably will never write it down) I've thought about a situation where Movie Mario and Game Mario suddenly switch places due to some interdimentional fluke or magic gone awry.

Both Marios are extremely confused, but they are both communicative about what happened and how– though they are Mario– something's gone wrong, and their life is suddenly very different from what they remember. Both Luigis and Peaches help out however they can. They eventually succeed in piecing together what happened, and start forming a plan to undo the weird dimensional change and get their own Marios back.

Some possible scenes that live in my head rent-free:

Game Luigi is surprised to find himself the voice of experience for once, helping this alternate version of his big brother understand the mechanics of this new world. Game Luigi regales him with stories of all the foes they faced over the years, and Movie Mario is fascinated, amazed, and a little intimidated by it all.

Game Mario suggests he and Movie Luigi stock up on "1-ups" before they enter a dangerous situation. Movie Luigi asks "what's a 1-up?" Game Mario thinks he's joking. Movie Luigi is not joking. Game Mario realizes the situation is far more dire than he thought.

Game Mario having dinner with Movie Mario's family

The moment Movie Mario lays eyes on Game Bowser he is completely on edge. His fists are raised and he's ready to throw down, already motioning for Game Luigi to get behind him. Game Bowser very quickly decides he likes this version of Mario– a little temperamental and rightfully fearful of him. The feeling isn't mutual.

Game Mario is startled by exactly how ruthless Movie Bowser is, and how risky fighting him is now that there are no extra lives involved. He doesn't like to show it, but he's more scared than he's ever been before. Luigi sees the fear despite Mario's attempts to conceal it, and takes a moment to comfort him.

The moment anyone is the least bit mean or condescending to Game Luigi, Movie Mario is on their case. Whether it's an enemy, a toad, or a royal representative, he makes it crystal clear that nobody is allowed to talk to Luigi like that– he doesn't care technically isn't his Luigi. Game Luigi tries to assure Movie Mario that it's fine, but Movie Mario won't hear it.

Game Mario is not quite sure what to make of Movie Peach. Of course he's protective and respectful as always, but the fact that she's so fiercely independent and an incredible fighter is not something he knows what to do with. He's been protecting her for so long...

Game Bowser and Movie Bowser would like each other at first. Then, the longer they talk, the more they rub each-other the wrong way, until eventually they're throwing fists and fire balls.

[dustdeepsea]

writing post-mortem

I wrote (what feels to me like) the ending of castling last night, editing through a haze of new year's eve prosecco where I live in the future. 2024 is over, 2025 is here, let's have some slightly hungover introspection.

I produced about 9k public facing words in a bit more than a month in what was basically a funhouse nightmare version of my usual process: no beta reader, no outline, just vibes, editing as I went, posting regularly and writing for a popular ship where I had not consumed all of the primary (and major secondary) text. I couldn't wing the characterisation. There might be discourse. I set the comments to "AO3 users only" and prayed no one would hate me.

The actual story found me half-way through the writing. It was supposed to be a dark, psychosexual piece. It turned into a someone accepting another person completely, even their trauma and survival mechanisms (personified as a demon, and then later, an angel). Past me would have binned it in disgust, but I kept going because, well, honestly the fic was already live and I was getting nice comments. So I kept writing, trying not to overthink the process. (You could say the spirit of Determination saw me through...)

In contrast, I wrote about half of that in a horrible half year of writer's block in the middle of the year, agonised over and edited so many times I felt literally ill and unable to move past it. (I wandered off to draw, learn how to make focaccia, and tried not to dwell. It helped.)

If I had my usual perfectionist way, each chapter of "castling" would have been twice as long, remixed and reprised more canon plot beats cleverly, and probably ended with me throwing myself into the ocean. Instead, it's written. There's even art of it. There will be a spicy epilogue—strangely, I'm not too worried about that, as the hardest part of sticking the emotional landing is done. (It's not a personal 10/10, but what is, ever?) I'll do a big promotional post when that's finished, maybe.

But Spite is a real third player; Rook has two boyfriends who would literally kill for her and shape the Fade for her. Maybe they'll go on to have more adventures in the future. Selfishly, it does feel like my wandering in the desert is done, even though most readers might not know it.

Anyway, happy 2025, here's wonderwall:

[fandomwave]

OK I HAVE THE TIME SO I WANNA TALK ABOUT THE NEW TCOAAL UPDATE HOLY SHIT! You know the drill: It folgers galore here and if that gives you hives then stay out of the kitchen

O K

I wanna get some of the heavier things out of the way like the fact that I would imagine this

And

Are probably the same event and honestly I get the feeling it's Andrew who does it to her and I think she deserves to maybe kill him as a treat for it afterwards. I know it's entirely too early to tell and maybe sure whatever this happens in burial but I really do think Decay is where we are going to see Andrew bloom into the WORST possible version of himself. I know there's been some back and forth on what each ending might be but I honestly can't get this scene out of my head months after playing the game:

(Excuse my note app)

Andrew 'Andy' is vicious here. Control is the name of the game for sure, but I've said it before and I'll say it again, the Grave's murder is the coin toss between is Andrew begins to release his grip on Ashley and allow trust in her, as ASHLEY and not as the burden Leyley. Or if he rips control out of Ashley's hands by force and suffocates whatever trust they could have had. Andrew has ALREADY been seen as violent towards Ashley. He has choked her before, and she has internalized that, he's hurt her, both by pulling her hair violently and also smacking her in the car. Before the graves house we see this waffling between tender and violence between the BOTH of them but more so Andrew than anyone and in Decay we see he is no longer even invested in keeping the pretense of any love between them.

I still posit that the kiss before he says this, is his kiss goodbye to whatever he thought remained in her. If we remember Andrew is actually far nicer to her AFTER she passes out in the car. He's affectionate, loving, caring and tends to actually give her the lead on plans, he jokes with her and we see him smile more than most any other part in the game. This is what they COULD be if he allows trust. But decay smothers that. He can see the writing on the wall and terminates any further connection other than obligation alone. It's stomach churning how far of a pivot Andrew takes. That single line "I said pick them up you dumb bitch" is so.. It's one of the few lines that gives me pause because of how brutal the tonal shift is. I hate it lol. It's another tip to Nems for just how wild the tone of this game can swing when she needs that tide to turn. I think Ashley is going to see just how rotten and disgusting Andrew can be when he's got nothing worth striving towards.

OK Before I go into another ESSAY about that (Which someday I'll do)

T H E . V O I C E M A I L S! God this recontextualizes so much of what I had written in my notes before which I'll share here:

SO THERE'S A LOT TO UNPACK HERE. One, as always, there is no way to say for certain if these are voicemails that Julia did get. Remember this is again Andrew's mindset and his memories and worldview. I doubt he'd have heard these and not been surprised by Ashley's harassment. Like it does feel like Julia's call to him was a surprise which is why he was trying to at least damage control it. I would posit that this entire thing, this whole deluge of vitriol, I think some of it is his own internalization. It's a DISTORTED voice of Ashley I would be SO VERY CURIOUS about if these aren't thoughts he had himself but pressed through the voice of Ashley. Hints of truth. Maybe Andrew DID had other girls he hooked up with, even if he did care for Julia the most? Maybe he DID date her because he felt sorry for her, for what he'd done to her indirectly through Nina's death We KNOW the fact that Nina's death lingers in the back of Andrew AND MORE IMPORTANTLY Ashley's mind even in the now. That's not even a half truth. But I think it's the last part, the part that Andrew STOPS at, that's the most telling. It's hard not to think the internal berating of how Julia will never be Ashley. That he'll never love her like he loves Ashley. That no matter how he dresses it up, he'll always return to her. The line 'I am the secrets you'll never hear' I don't think that's poetics, I think that's the literal. Ashley is a secret that Julia will NEVER hear because even Andrew is unwilling to face them. Ashley is Andrew's own secret because, the game has sort of hammered home, that he has feelings for her he can't express or act out.

SO CLEARLY I can throw this out into the garbage which is, can I say the one thing I ADORE about this game. I love backtracking so much into my notes, hunting down theories and then re-annotating them to uncover the bigger picture? Ok sorry enough gushing

So Ashley is using some sort of voice distortion (Interesting given I don't think that kind of device was uh, easily accessible in the 90s but I could be wrong. We thought they were so cool as kids but if I remember they were hard to get a hold of for a reason)

Andrew says to Julia's face that Ashley is not this person, shut up, ignore it, please leave it alone and all that, and we know he's covering for Ashley but it drives me up a fucking wall that he knew he knew he knew he knew and he's always known and we had proof of this even in ep 2

He heard it and knew from the start that it was Ashley calling her and yet he had no only the fucking audacity to just lie to Julia's face but to fuckin

SLAM (and it is LOUD with headphones) the phone and get so hostile and violent with her about it is so disgusting. He will kill god if it means he can protect the fragile line he's walking in projecting his desires onto Julia for Ashley and keep up the ruse that he's not some sweaty siscon. I'd also posit the reason he gets so hostile and so angry about it IS because Julia is breaking the illusion. She is reminding him accidentally that she is not Ashley, and even worse and idealized non combative version of Ashley.

I wonder if Julia heard him right.. "I love you too" seems an odd response to say to that prior sentence And then Andrew covering her mouth afterwards.. There's a theory that it's there to keep the illusion of him superimposing Ashley on to her, and her speaking at all breaks that illusion but I'll be honest I think it's the words 'I love you' The times we hear Ashley say that she loves Andrew (so far as we've seen) - I love you Andy - You're lucky I love you too much to shoot - Beloved don't test me.... (More of a pet name but I'll give it a SOFT pass) We don't see Ashley say it at ALL during the trust/Burial/Lovers route in the slightest. She's almost allergic to any forms of genuine affirmation of love specifically. Anytime she says it it's either to Andy or it's in jest. HOWEVER We see it SO MUCH MORE In Decay.

I will. Right after you love me with half the heart I love you with, asshole!

So I think, honestly with Julia offering such a sincere offer of an 'I love you' it just shows the gap between her and Ashley even more and he wants NO part of that. It breaks the illusion. Ashley would never say that. And it makes his skin crawl OK I HAVE RAMBLED ON SO MUCH and I know I didn't have much to say about the last few updates but in all honesty we didn't really have much to go on. Uuuuuh i guess lemme kno in the notes if yall ever wanted to hear more about some other thoughts I have about the Grimdark Folgers Commercial. I have thought about opening asks but uuuuuuuuuuugh the thought of it gives me hives so Im just gonna probably stick to notes/tags ;w

[swearyshera]

Alice,

I've loved being able to read Sweary She-Ra through the years. I happened upon it only a few months after finishing She-Ra (I was late to the party due to not having Netflix, oops), and it gave me so much wonderful content to keep my excitement for the series alive.

The way you explored the characters, especially Catra's mental health and her relationship with Shadow Weaver, helped give me a new understanding and greater appreciation of them. I bring up Catra specifically because, I'll be honest, I wasn't a big Catra fan for awhile. I liked her well enough, then kinda didn't in season 4, but grew fond of her again around season 5. But you helped me understand her thought-process, and I came to like her more because of it. I really like that you also handled her in a nuanced way, where, as you've said many times, you explained her behavior without excusing it, and that made all the difference.

One of the things I really appreciated about your take on She-Ra was how apparent your intelligence was, as well as your writing skill. It wasn't just "Catra says fuck and Glimmer has killed dozens," even though it could have been--you went the extra mile (or kilometer, since you're British :P) and gave us a variety of jokes, as well as mood shifts from comedic to tragic to dramatic to hopeful. All of the characters felt like themselves, even though they were pushed up to 11 and had some creative liberties taken, such as Frosta being a demon and Hordak's Geordie accent. You had a good handle on all of them, which can be very hard to do with a large cast, especially one written by another writer.

I also really appreciated that you took the time to answer asks and build a community here. It gave us lovely jokes such as Bob (that's right, I haven't forgotten about him), Catra's age, and Entrapta reading our comments. I've always been very shy online, but seeing you having such nice interactions with fans helped me open up, and I'm glad I did! I used to ask anonymously from time to time (yes, my first ask was about DT, all the way back during your start on season one, what else would it be? XD), and I'm glad I've gotten to chat and joke with you, as have the rest of us.

I'm so glad that you stuck with this and created such a wonderful fan-series. We never got a movie, but this was just as good, in my opinion. It was like watching SPOP for the first time all over again. I'm excited to see what you create next, be it SPOP-related or not. I hope the future has great things in store for you.

You brought us laughs, tears, and spectacular Glimmer-swears, and your blog means so much to so many people. You mean so much to so many people. I hope you find success in your future endeavors!

FOR THE HONOR OF GAYSKULL!

What can I say, it's truly been an honour (of Gayskull) to write something that I had no idea brought so much to many people. I'm genuinely quite humbled by the reaction.

I always wanted to be fair to all the characters, to show their reasons without necessarily validating the invalid stuff that they've done, and that particularly came across with Catra. It's no secret that I see a lot of parallels between her and my own history, but I've applied the same take-no-shit but be kind approach that I took with myself over the years. And I've learned a lot about mental health during that time, so I could give that sometimes painful realism, but also know just how to make fun of it in the right way.

In some ways, I feel like the characters I've written have taken on their own personality that's very distinct from the original, and that's probably why I think there's a little more mileage in them yet. Both in terms of original stuff (my pilot script Snowflakes has almost 1:1 versions of DT and Perfuma!), but also in the possibility for creating more Sweary stuff, and that is slowly taking shape - although I am taking it easy for a bit, I've already outlined a story which I'd love to make into an audio drama. Currently workshopping it with a couple of people, so watch this space...

It has been a joy to get so many asks from people, yourself included, and my inbox will always be open. I'm not going anywhere for a while! You were very much my DT-asker-in-chief, and I'm super glad you enjoyed their scenes (heck, you even got them a cameo at the end!). So thank you immensely for the support.

I'm happy I've been able to contribute to a wonderful fandom in such a way, and I'm eager to keep on giving back to a community that has given me so many amazing friends.

FOR THE HONOR OF GAYSKULL!

[tryskomys]

Wet Sand

Stone Gossard x OC

Chapter 17 - Beth

Summary: i wish i could back in time.

masterlist

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫

notes: so, uh, this took a turn. it’s about 2k words longer than i planned but hey, happy accidents.

as a straight woman, writing out a bisexual man’s thoughts on bisexuality is definitely a challenge, but I chose to tackle it for that very reason. hopefully it will be with some semblance of grace.

i think it’s probably the hottest thing i’ve ever written in my lenghty fanfic career, even though it has no actual sex in it. an extremely subjective opinion, may i add. hope you enjoy it nonetheless.

tws: mentions of underage drug use - terrible childhood. as i said, it has no sex in it, but it’s heavily mentioned. ‘caretaking when ill’ trope. kinda fluffy, depending on your definition. palpable tension in the air - so dense i can chew on it.

song: (i especially love this version!)

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫

A loud, hooting sound of nose blowing echoed through the empty brick walls, followed by a nasal groan. Keeva wrapped her blanket tighter around herself, shivering when it dragged over her hurting skin.

Out of all possible weeks in the year, a brutal influenza took her down right before they were supposed to depart.

The self-imposed quarantine she proposed was met with a lot of backlash from the guys, but in the end, they all agreed that it was better to have one band member out for a couple of days instead of six.

And so they all reluctantly flew out, leaving her behind to rest and join them as soon as she healed up.

“No fucking way, I’m not leaving you here,” Stone interrupted Keeva before she even finished saying it out loud.

“Stoney, I’m a big girl,” she said while snuggling deeper into his blanket - he insisted that she stay in his bed so he wouldn't have to run up the stairs every time she needed medicine. “I can manage a few days on my own. We can’t afford to lose a week or two, we’re already behind.”

“I don’t care!” he threw his arms around. “Polygram can suck my dick, you have a fever and you’re coughing up blood, I can’t just fly away and leave you fainting here.”

“I’m not coughing up blood, you goose,” she snorted and immediately broke into a coughing fit.

“I’ll tell them that blood is gushing out of your ears if it makes them shut up,” he shot back, aggressively squeezing a whole lemon into the big cup of tea he’d prepared for her. “I’m a fantastic liar.”

“Stoney, you need to go.”

He just stared at her for a few seconds before groaning and childishly punching the kitchen counter.

“I’ll call you twice a day to check the temperature and if you’re not okay by next Friday, I’m coming home.”

Staying in Stone’s bed felt strange. It wasn’t like she hadn’t done it before, but now that he was gone, the thrill of him finding her there was out of the picture. She never wanted to be caught, but when she was, his nonchalance about it was comforting.

But now, he wasn’t there to come home from work and throw her an enigmatic smile. That was why she migrated back to her room as soon as he left.

Fucking hell, it’s been just ten days, why am I so dramatic?!

Keeva felt like her husband had gone to war and hadn’t come back for years. Even though he called her daily like a worried mama bear, his absence was overwhelming.

They’d never been apart for more than a couple of days and this only assured her that she had no interest in staying apart. She prayed that he was feeling the same even though it was cruel, because she felt like shit.

Not only because he was gone, but she hadn’t been this sick since high school. All her sinuses were stabbing from the inside, her head felt like a crushed watermelon and her throat was on fire from all the gaggling coughs. And the fever set her bones on fire.

The ringing phone was like a razor on her eardrums, ripping her out of the haze she had been in since she woke up. She couldn’t decide if she was excited to hear his voice or annoyed that she had to talk to him for the third time that day.

“Okay, okay, I’m coming. Jesus,” she groaned, shaking her head when the phone kept on urgently ringing as if she wasn’t moving fast enough.

“Hello, Gossard-Andrews mansion,” she croaked when she picked up.

“What’s up, Baby?” Stone's voice cheered from the other side, making her twitch and move the phone further away from her ear. “Fuck, I woke you up, didn’t I?”

“Hey, beanpole. No, no, you didn’t,” Keeva sighed as she sat down on the carpet next to the tea table with a cup of scorching tea. “Been up for some time, it’s midnight.”

“Christ, you sound terrible. How’s the fever?”

“Better now, about 102. Evening was worse, I almost fell down my stairs because I was dizzy as fuck,” she chuckled, but immediately cringed when Stone reacted - well, he didn’t react at first. But the silence was more stern than if he spoke.

“Pray tell, why are you not in my bed? Move there. Now,” he said after a long pause and she could see his cold expression in her head as clearly as if he was standing right in front of her. She uncomfortably scoffed.

“Woah, take me out to dinner first. I swear I’m a lot bet-”

“That wasn’t a question, Keeva,” he interrupted her without skipping a beat. She was so used to him using stupid nicknames that her actual name sounded alien from his lips. “You better shuffle over there so fast I can hear your bunny slippers against the floor. The phone cord can reach there.”

“Jesus, fine, fine,” she whispered with a heavy huff as she braced against the table to get off the floor. “I’m shuffling, see?”

“Good, snuggle up,” Stone said, still strict. “I will know if you don’t, so move -”

“Chill out, pretty boy, or you’ll get wrinkles,” she rolled her eyes as she dropped onto his bed, her blocked joints cracking as it bounced. “I’m already here.”

They were both silent for a moment. Keeva felt her cheeks flood with red and she wasn’t sure if her temperature was rising from the sickness or from that unwashable scent of his.

“Hm. S’nice. Still warm,” she mumbled without thinking. Her brain was too fried to bother with any kind of logic. “Feels like you’re here, too.”

Stone's child-like giggle only made her sink deeper as she flipped on her stomach and buried her face in his pillow.

“You sure the fever’s down?” he said, finally softening his tone. Keeva shrugged and hummed into the fabric.

“Don’t know,” she said, her muffled voice barely audible. “Might be just your sheets talking.”

He took another long pause and for a moment she gained full consciousness again - she just heard his shaky sigh and once again, she could imagine him.

Lying on his back in some soulless rented room, staring at the ceiling light above him, twirling the phone cord around his index finger with an empty expression. His voice was a bit more amused than she would’ve expected as a breathy scoff echoed from the other side.

“I should record this and play it back to you once you’re lucid,” he said and a loud crunch followed as he probably took a bite of crispy apple. The chewing noises made her slightly nauseous.

“That’s not a good idea,” she chuckled, finally lifted her face off the pillow and rolled on her back again. “Whatcha doing?”

"Eating an apple and chewing as loud as I can because you wrinkle your nose really cute when you’re disgusted,” he nonchalantly sighed and took another bite, continuing with his mouth full. “You look like a little bunny, it’s great.”

“Ew. You can't even see me right now, asshole,” Keeva frowned.

“Oh, I can. In my head, you know. Bet you’re frowning, too,” he said and Keeva raised her eyebrows as she rubbed her tired eyes. Stone hummed. “Probably reaching up to your face to rub your eye and cringing because an eyelash fell into it. And you were sniffing my bedsheets, freak, I can tell.”

Keeva’s cheeks heated up even more as she held her hand in the air, wondering if this was just a cryptic fever dream. When she didn’t reply, Stone cackled and cleared his throat from the apple pulp.

“I’m kidding. Even you are not that weird.”

“Shine your crystal ball, that’s exactly what I was doing. Shine both of them while you’re at it,” she said after dragging the blanket over her head as if she wanted to hide from his scrying eye. “Speaking of recording, how is it going?”

“Yeah, great,” Stone sighed, clearly dishonest. “Slow without you, but great. The kids for Stardog are scheduled for next Thursday. Roller is almost finished, we just need your overdubs, so there’s that. And, uh -”

“Slow without me?” Keeva widely grinned, soundlessly kicking her feet in the air in a giddy fit. “Aren’t you always pissy because I take too long to set up?”

“Yeah, but when you’re not here, I lose the comparison,” Stone chuckled. “So suddenly everyone seems slow.”

“Are you saying that you miss my pedal tinkering?” she squinted, peeking out of the blanket to take a ragged breath.

“I do, we all miss you,” he said and paused. His silence wasn’t frigid this time. In fact, it warmed her to the point of shivers, as did his next carefully chosen words. “I miss you.”

Now she was sure her fever came back, the chills that ran over her skin were painful. And her voice was as shaky as her body.

“Miss you, too.”

She couldn't bear the silence, her heartbeat was pounding so loud she thought her eyes were going to pop.

“I really should be ready next week. Once the temperature settles and I stop coughing like a plagued Victorian child, I’m good to go,” she croaked. “Soundgarden is in town, by the way. Kim stopped by yesterday with some soup. Chicken and noodles. Loads of veggies, a bit spicy. It was really good, first proper meal in a week. All the crackers and black tea are leaking out of my ears.”

“That’s really great. I’ll send him a little fruit basket,” Stone whispered and she could tell his voice was giving up as he tried to keep himself awake. She softly smiled.

“Get some sleep, Stoney. I’ll call tomorrow.”

“Not until you sleep,” he mumbled, a rustle of bedsheets accompanying his exhausted sigh.

“We could be here for a long time, then,” she chuckled. “I’ll hang up now and we’ll talk first thing when we wake up.”

“No, don’t hang up, Baby.”

The nickname almost lacked the mocking element when spoken in a tired, airy voice. As if he was whispering it in her ear in the early morning, like a smitten lover.

“Alright, Stoney,” she whispered, too, in an attempt to charm him enough that she’d haunt his dreams. “What do we do, then?”

“Can we stay on the phone? Just put it down next to you and have a nap. I haven’t slept properly in days.”

“You?” Keeva scoffed. “You’d fall asleep standing up if you could.”

“Not anymore,” Stone hummed. “Nowadays I can’t fall asleep if I don’t listen to your breathing.”

He certainly wasn’t helping to cool down her flaming forehead, but the heat felt delightful. His huffs gained a steady rhythm and sleep suddenly didn’t seem so beyond her reach.

“You’ll make me blush.”

“I know. I can see you,” Stone breathed out, barely half-awake. “Red as a beet and hiding under my blanket. Your lashes are probably fluttering because you can’t keep your eyes open anymore. Hair is falling in your face but you can’t be bothered to tuck them away. You’re tugging your t-shirt down right now because it shuffled all the way to your neck when you shifted and you don’t wanna be looked at, even though you’re home alone.”

Keeva was too exhausted to answer.

“Goodnight, lover,” he lazily crooned. “I hope you dream of me.”

She couldn’t tell if he actually said it or if she was already in deep sleep, but it didn’t matter to her. It felt real enough to soothe her pounding head.

● ● ● ● ● ●

She despised flying, but damn, was it worth it this time. After being shut at home for two weeks straight, being around the guys again was so heartwarming.

She was still very weak, but the atmosphere breathed life into her. Bruce picked her up with their rented car, blinding her with a huge smile when she noticed him at the airport - it wasn’t that hard, he was towering over the crowd.

And when they arrived at the shared apartment, the guys welcomed her with a huge takeout pizza feast and a pint of ice cream to celebrate her throat being healed. Stone frowned upon that in a motherly fashion and immediately took it away from her so she wouldn’t get sick again.

He was the one who greeted her with the biggest hug - the most bone-crushing one he’d ever given her, lifting her off her feet and spinning around so fast her ears were ringing.

Hours into the night after everyone finally shuffled to their beds stuffed and drunk, one of the rooms still kept the lights on.

The single lamp in the corner emanated a dim warm glow, similar to the sun right before it disappears behind the horizon.

Keeva was lying in Stone’s bed, her legs leaning up against the wall as she read through the itinerary Jeff painstakingly created.

What a nerd.

“Okay, I’m officially bored,” Stone said into the comfortable silence as he breathed out a circle of dense hash smoke. It didn’t take long to carry over to her as he was lying down next to her, his legs unceremoniously spread across the bed. “How about we play some Truth or Dare?”

She snorted.

“Are you fucking thirteen?” she shook her head when she looked at him. His absent stare made her giggle. “I’m not going to ‘dare’ anything, if you wanna ask something, do it like a grown-up.”

“Okay, okay,” Stone shrugged and lifted his arms in surrender. “Goddamn, tone it down a notch, mother.”

He took a moment to think and then looked away, chewing on his lip.

“Have you ever taken anything?”

Andy’s struggles were weighing on his mind like a dumbbell, she knew that. They suspected that he started using again, even though he was very good at hiding it. At least he thought he was, but they could both read their friend like an open book. Perhaps that was why Stone smoked so much lately, yearning for any kind of relaxation for his rigid muscles.

Perhaps that was the root of his question - does the Virgin Mary ever sin?

Keeva couldn’t deny him the honesty, no matter how painful it was.

“Remember how I told you and Mike about that Ace card?” she said, keeping her voice strong and steady while pretending to read through the itinerary. “Crying in Hyde Park because I couldn’t get it?”

He soundlessly nodded.

“I stole some smack from my parents and shot up before I went there,” she near-whispered with a sour, joyless scoff. “Christ, I was so fucking sick and scared that I can’t even begin to try and explain the feeling. I never touched that stuff again.”

She didn’t catch his reaction when she looked at him, because he shifted to lay on his stomach and buried his face deep into the pillow before she even turned her head.

Keeva didn’t know what he was doing, but it seemed like he trying to hold his breath. She had no idea what to say and he clearly didn’t know, either. There wasn’t any room next to him, so she couldn’t join him in suffocating.

Instead, she put away Jeff’s neat brochure and reached out.

As soon as her fingertips disappeared into Stone’s waves, he let out a strained exhale, his shoulders slumping. She slid her legs down and lied down next to him, resting her head on his back. His pulse sounded like heavy rain beating down on the windowsill. As if his heart was crying.

She couldn’t resist.

“Can I braid your hair?” she whispered after a while of listening, pressing a chaste kiss on his shoulder. He nodded and dragged his face across the pillow before he slowly lifted himself off the mattress, keeping his back to her. She sat up, too.

The bed was obscured by a shadow of the closet next to it, but she could see he left behind a couple of wet stains on the blank pillow sheet.

Keeva knew better than to comment on it, no matter how deeply it stabbed her chest. She just ran her fingers through his hair again in a lacklustre attempt to loosen the knots. Stone sighed again - like he always did when she happened to brush against his scalp.

She never figured out why he had such a strong reaction to it, but it drove her insane. An ever-present crack in the marble statue - just a single specific touch away from making it crumble.

She tried to ignore his ragged breath as she carefully divided the long strands into three parts, trying to be as soft as her trembling hands allowed her.

“Your turn,” he mumbled, keeping his words low and monotone. She admired his ability to sound so collected in any situation, even though he clearly wasn’t.

It always inspired her to be bold.

“Why do you like it when I touch your hair so much?”

He chuckled and she was thankful he wasn’t facing her, because her blush would be glowing even in this lighting - she admired how he managed to strip her down of any confidence with a single move, too, as angering as it was.

“Why do you like it when I touch your neck so much?”

“Fair,” Keeva whispered and softly cursed under her breath when she messed up the braid. She loosened it and started again, earning another content hum. She wanted to cheer up the mood a bit, so she tugged on one of the strands. “I knew a guy in high school who apparently demanded that girls nibble his ears.”

Stone hissed and reached behind him to slap her bare thigh. She yelped - he left behind a red handprint on her pale skin, she must’ve put a bit too much strength into her yank.

Why the fuck am I wearing pyjama shorts in front of him?! I’m definitely getting too comfortable.

“Reminds me of this one dude, he was pretty funny,” Stone snickered and took a puff of the spliff he put down on the ashtray earlier. “I think he moved away to uni, but he was quite a frequent at Green River gigs back then. He used this weird red toothpaste and always had some on his t-shirt. And then, when I took his pants off one time, I saw that had a smudge of it on his ballsack, too, which I couldn’t wrap my head around. Like, how do you get toothpaste on your -”

Wait.

“Woah, woah, woah, stop everything for a minute, mate,” she immediately let his hair go with wide eyes and snaked around him to sit right in front of him.

The bed was so small she almost ended up in his lap by accident, but she didn’t give a damn at that moment.

Stone just carelessly shrugged as they stared at each other - his pupils were blown wide and his eyes were a bit red, but otherwise, he seemed as sober as always. When she shuffled a bit closer with a huge, unbelieving smile, he shrugged again.

What?!

“You’ve slept with a guy before?!” Keeva loudly whispered and reached up to shake his shoulder so he’d show any stronger emotion than coolness. But Stone just laughed, clearly amused by her shock.

“Yeah!” he shook her hand off and then, in a surprisingly quick move, he grabbed her hips and whipped her around. He tightly wrapped his arms around her waist, dragging them both down on the mattress. It loudly creaked when they fell on it, bouncing them up and down for a few seconds. “A couple of them, actually.”

Keeva rapidly slapped his forearm a few times and without a second thought, she took the spliff from him and took a big hit.

Shit, I’ll have what he’s having.

“Holy fuck,” she coughed out and threw it into the ashtray. “Why am I just finding out?”

“You never asked!” he chuckled and dragged her up onto him, squeezing her closer as if she was a rag doll. His hipbone was digging into her lower back, but it was comfortable nonetheless.

Fuck. I never asked.

“Well, I didn’t - I just - is that like a new thing, or?” she stuttered out, partly because he was squeezing her so hard, but mostly because she was baffled.

She felt his light stubble tickle the nape of her neck as he shook his head - she wasn’t used to it. It made him look more tired, but equally more irresistable.

“Nah. You know, after the Mormon I suddenly understood that maybe not all girls are as great as I thought. And being single, I started realizing that some guys are pretty attractive, too,” he shrugged, shifting her from side to side like a plushie. “I mean, I still liked girls better, but I also tried a few different things and found out that it was actually quite enjoyable.”

Keeva grabbed his arm with a gasp when she nearly slid off him, but he did it on purpose just to catch her before she fell from the bed, doing continuous ‘wee’ sounds as he steered her left and right.

This time, something about his nonchalance felt almost performative - if she didn’t know him, she wouldn’t be able to tell. But his heart was wildly beating against his ribcage and because he was holding her as tightly as he could, it was beating against her ribcage, too.

“It was mostly an adolescent indulgence, though, I think I’m straying further away the older I get,” Stone chuckled and finally stopped throwing her around. “Sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, I had no idea it would spark such a warm reaction from you.”

Keeva vehemently shook her head.

“Don’t apologize at all! I should’ve asked,” she assured him, squeezing his arm before looking up at him in awe. “I’m just - wait, were you giving?”

He snorted.

“‘Course I was,” he said as if it was the most obvious answer in the world. She tutted, elbowing his stomach. He let out a theatrical yelp and laughed, a lot more relaxed than before.

“So, uh, you always, like, liked being - you know…”

Jesus fucking Christ, how old are you?! This smartass is the only person on Earth who has seen you naked, are you gonna blush every time you talk about sex forever?

“What?” he questioned with an amused grin, clearly waiting for her to say it out loud.

“Like, the one that -” she stuttered and then uncomfortably wiggled in his grasp. “Fuck, that’s a stupid question, of course you like being in charge, you egomaniac.”

Stone laughed again.

“You’ve slept with me multiple times, Baby, that’s more than most people can say,” he reached up to flick her nose. “By now you should know how I operate like the back of your hand. Pretty sure it’s a vanity thing.”

“Well, and how was it?!” Keeva excitedly slapped his arm again and tried to turn around to face him, but he held her in place and started rocking her left and right again.

“Meh,” he shrugged. “Not bad. I had a good time, don’t get me wrong, but nothing that memorable, either. I mean, that can be said about most people I’ve been with, to be honest. Sometimes I think that I enjoy the lead-up more than the actual sex.”

Ouch.

Keeva held her pride back and didn’t comment on his words, because Stone seemed like he had more to say. And she wanted nothing more than to hear him out.

“The first time was great, though. Like, really great,” he said and she felt as if he was moving her like a little boat, softening his grasp until his arms were loose. “It was kinda like a rebirth, you know, I think it took away a lot of the pent-up shame I had from letting my girlfriend bounce on any lap she wanted.”

He bitterly scoffed and continued.

“A bit ironic, but I was never ashamed of it, which is a blessing. I know a myriad of people who are eaten up by the mere thought of enjoying sex with men, especially in today’s climate.”

Keeva’s heart was flooded with sweet pain. She wasn’t be able to imagine such a feeling no matter how hard she tried and that saddened her - she had no way to relate to him in that way. But she couldn’t feel any more euphoric that he was being so open with her.

“Who was he?” she asked, slightly shivering when Stone ran his fingers across the bare skin that peeked out of her crumpled t-shirt - it rose all the way up to the sides of her breasts, thanks to his volatile movements earlier. She hadn’t even noticed until now.

“A guy I knew from Northwest,” he sighed and paused for a moment, mindlessly drawing circles around her abdomen. “Bit of a know-it-all, but he somehow managed to make it cute. Kinda short. The blondest person I’ve ever met, plus he had really curly hair so he kinda looked like a little cherub. I mean, apart from the nose rings.”

Stone’s voice sounded murky, almost echoing as if he were speaking from the depths of a cave.

She felt consumed by a memory she’d never lived.

“We didn’t plan it, we were just roaming around bars the whole evening and then went to his place in Belltown. He still lived with his parents, but they were on vacation. It was deep in July, probably 95 degrees outside, 105 inside. But we were both a bit drunk, so we didn’t care,” he chuckled and let out a long, deep, distant exhale. “There was an opened window right above his bed. He wanted to close it, but I didn’t. God, I was such a stupid cunt back then. I remember hoping that the neighbours would see us. Told him to scream as loud as he wanted.”

He was making the bashful redness in her face worse with every word he uttered - it was growing so intense that she worried it would make a permanent mark. Her heart was stuck in the middle of her throat, suffocating her with every beat.

And she knew that Stone was doing it on purpose. She could feel it through his wandering fingertips.

“They had a cherry blossom tree in the backyard and the hot wind carried a few petals inside. They fell on my shoulders, it really tickled. I thought it was just sweat running down my neck, but then one of them fell next to me. Never seen that shade of pink before or since then. Just that single petal and your cheeks.”

His shallow breathing sent a shiver down her spine.

“Jesus, I came so hard I stopped breathing for a few seconds,” he said, his voice as silent as it could be without whispering. “It was pretty cathartic. We went for another beer afterwards and concluded that it wasn’t the preferred way for either of us, but, you know. Preference doesn’t erase the fact that it felt amazing. He was the last person I kissed, too.”

The silence that filled the room weighted them further and further into the bedsheets, so heavy that Keeva thought they would soon push through the mattress.

“So I did it again a few times after that and it was fine, but never like that first one,” he shifted in his place and held her tighter again as if he, too, was worried that they would fall through. “It’s been like two or three years since the last time and I don’t have much interest in doing it again any time soon.”

There were no words to describe the feeling that clouded her brain. Like breathing in a heavy fog, the kind you cannot see through.

She now knew why they never spoke to each other like this.

Simple unadulterated self-preservation.

Friends aren’t this honest. Only lovers.

“So, like, nothing since then?” she asked - her voice came out as a barely audible peep.

Stone chuckled, shuffling her upwards - her head fell back over his shoulder. He nuzzled the skin under her ear.

“‘Kay, I’ve gotten head in a bar a few times.”

Her eyes shut closed.

How the fuck did I not notice?!

She felt so fucking conceited it made her sick. She lived in the same room and she never even bothered to read between the lines.

This wasn’t about sexuality. She didn’t give a flying fuck about who he was attracted to, she only cared if he liked her.

But wasn’t that the problem? Wasn’t that just a selfish excuse to be a bad friend? She had no objectivity in her point of view - instead of being there for her best friend and helping him heal in any way he needed, she was just a devil on his shoulder, constantly dragging him into a loveless sludge of casual sex. All because she needed to feed her unrequited feelings without his consent.

She was embarrassed by herself.

“Like, I never really differentiated or cared who gave it anyway, as long as they were cool - felt good nonetheless,” he shrugged, resting his head against her neck. “I like to think of myself as a label-less river that bifurcates into two fun streams but, you know, not all streams are created equal. And I’ve always been pretty persistent in flowing substantially heavier through the pussy-eating one.”

Keeva couldn’t hold back a giggle.

What a Stone explanation.

“I mean, I’m not complaining,” she shrugged, too, yelping when he suddenly started throwing her around again.

“Exactly, neither am I!” he exclaimed. “‘Cause you - ‘cause girls are just -”

He stopped for a moment to formulate his thoughts before loudly sighing.

“I just like the feel of a woman more, you know? Like, men have their own different appeal to me. It sounds stupid, but they’re hot in a weird sort of animalistic way. Like, rough and sweaty and stinky and sloppy,” he said, emphasizing each word by steering her so harshly she huffed. “But that’s just not been my trip for a pretty long time now. Women - unlike us - are so soft and plump and delicious and they smell really nice, too. And I don’t wanna miss out on that, you know?”

“That’s kinda generalizing,” she scoffed when he let her catch a breath. “I mean, I personally always thought I wasn’t girly enough. Flat chest, bony hips. Hardly soft and plump.”

She rolled her eyes at herself.

Again and again. Me, me, me.

“Shut up, you’re plenty soft,” Stone frowned and squeezed her to prove his point. “Besides, that’s what I like about you, anyway. You’re breaking my stereotypes.”

Don’t do this to me.

“Also, first of all - rough, sweaty, stinky and sloppy is the closest thing to heaven in this terrible world,” she raised her index finger. “And secondly, you’re too harsh on your own sex. I’ve met some great-smelling guys.”

“Introduce me then, ‘cause I haven’t,” Stone muttered after a sharp scoff. “I mean, sometimes that’s the main pleasure of sex - like, the sloppiness of it all - but not even the guys I slept with smelled good and you know I’m picky, so that’s saying something.”

Keeva let out a cackle way too loud for 3 AM.

“Since when are you picky?” she said and finally managed to snake out of his grip. She got up and skipped over to her backpack, fishing around a bit before she found what she was looking for - a pocket mirror.

She walked back to Stone and hopped up on his bed again with a huff. Amused by his confused frown, she opened the compact and showed him the mirror.

“Here. Stoney Gossard, meet Stoney Gossard,” she said, lying down next to him. “He has this weird strawberry marijuana soap mixture on him at all times and it stains everything he touches.”

Now it was his turn to blush. His ears were almost as red as his hair used to be.

“Wh- since when do I - wait, do you have a problem with my Suave Strawberry Essence?!”

“I don’t, that’s why I’m introducing you!” she giggled as he shook his head with a grin. He reached out and pinched her naked legs everywhere he could before she fought him off. Then, he swiftly put his arm around her and squeezed her closer again, making her sigh.

“It’s just such a bizarre combination that doesn’t go together at all and it doesn’t make sense why it smells so fucking good but somehow it does. I don’t know, it’s just…it’s the crux of your whole existence packed up in a scent.”

Stone didn’t reply, but the big smile on his face spoke volumes. A question slipped from her lips before she could stop herself.

“Have you ever fallen in love with a guy?”

She quickly looked away so she wouldn’t see the smile disappear, but strangely enough, he didn’t seem too bothered by it.

“Nope,” he simply said with a pop. “I mean, you know me - I don’t really think I’m capable of doing that at all, regardless of what they have in their pants.”

Why the fuck am I doing this to myself?

“You know, whenever I think back these days, I’m pretty certain that I’ve never actually fallen in love with anyone before,” he continued. Keeva frowned.

“The Mormon?”

Stone wasn’t bothered by that dumb question, either. He just shook his head with a scoff.

“That wasn’t love. I mean, actual love,” he explained, slipping his arm away from her - he put it under his head as the cold facade she hated and loved so much hardened his features. “I thought it was for a pretty long time, but lately I’ve realized that it wasn’t even remotely close to the real feeling.”

“Why lately?” she asked, turning around to lay on her back, too.

Stone stayed silent for a moment before slapping his palm on her forehead, shaking her head from side to side.

“Jesus. You should invest in some sudoku books, they might help you put those little brain cells of yours to use.”

“Excuse me?” she choked out and pushed him away. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“And now you’ve reached the end of the questionnaire, hot stuff. Sorry,” he grinned and crossed his legs. Keeva tutted.

“I thought we were playing Truth or Dare, not Twenty Questions.”

“Fine,” Stone smirked. “I dare you not to ask me any more questions.”

Fucking smartass.

Keeva was out of words again. She didn’t know how to articulate anything she was feeling. She just wanted him to know that -

“I just want you to know that it really means a lot to me.”

“That I prefer girls because they smell better?” Stone said, chuckling when she rolled her eyes.

“Fuck off, you know what I mean.”

“I mean, it’s not like I keep it a big secret,” he shrugged. “Everyone around here knows it.”

“I’m not from around here, though,” she shrugged and flipped on her stomach, restless. “I grew up in an environment where you’d get kicked out of a community like this for saying that out loud. Especially in this fucking shithole decade. It’s incredibly special to me, Stoney, I just want you to know.”

“You’re special,” he silently said. “If anyone should know, it’s you. I couldn’t give less of a shit if anyone else knows.”

She turned her head away from him so he wouldn’t see her idiotic smile.

“If anything, it makes you even more endearing,” she mumbled. “Everyone deserves some Stoney in their lives, whether they have a pussy or not. I’m glad you’re not discriminating.”

His joyful laugh was like honey to her ears.

“You should call me endearing more often, really strokes my ego. Oh, and compliment me on how I smell again, that one really did it for me, too.”

Keeva didn’t expect him to talk again after that - she imagined that she’d look away long enough for him to fall asleep and then turn back around to watch his chest rise and fall for the rest of the night.

Yet -

“Have you ever been in love?”

A wave of boiling hot shivers washed over her. Stone was a fantastic liar, but she wasn’t. ‘Bad liar’ was an understatement.

She loudly sighed and shuffled to flip like a pancake again, putting her arms under her head to poorly mirror his casual attitude.

“Love is such a heavy word, isn’t it?” she muttered. “It leaves your mouth once and you can never take it back. Just one misplaced ‘I love you’ and your whole world starts spinning backwards.”

“Yeah, it feels so alien to say it,” Stone nodded, keeping his eyes on the wall. “It’s like talking in a language you don’t know. ‘I love you.’”

“Exactly, like trying to cough out a ball of lead,” she raised her hands to do air quotes. “‘I love you.’”

“I. Love. You,” he repeated, leaving an unnatural pause between each word. Then, he started giggling and Keeva couldn’t help but join.

“I looooove youuuu,” she hummed in a ringing falsetto as he laughed even harder.

“I love - eugh! - you,” he said, breaking into a theatrical coughing fit midway through the sentence.

“I love you?!” she exclaimed it like an outrageous question, clutching her chest. She looked at him as he choked out a few remaining giggles.

When Stone calmed down, he looked at her, too. But his smile gradually faded when their eyes met.

For a split second, she was confused when he slowly reached out to run the back of his hand over her flaming cheek. He suddenly seemed so intimidatingly sincere, his irises flickering in the amber light like two little green flames. His calloused fingertips feathered along her lips as if he was testing her reaction.

A fantastic liar mid-act.

“I love you.”

Keeva prayed that her memory was good enough to etch the sound of his voice deep into her brain. Carve in every single vowel of that sentence and the way he pronounced it.

If she was thorough enough, maybe - when she lay in bed at night - she would be able to repeat it over and over again and pretend that it was meant seriously. Whispered in the dark like a sacred cypher, a fathomless secret never to be heard by anyone else’s ears but hers.

“See?” he breathed out and pulled his hand back. “Sounds strange no matter how you say it.”

Then he just turned away and glued his stare back to the spot on the wall, now without a trace of the boisterous laughter he was shaking with just a few moments ago.

“Maybe it was never meant to be said out loud in the first place, that’s why it’s so hard,” she sighed and looked away, too.

“You didn’t answer me,” he said after a minute of heavy silence.

I don’t have to lie. Selective truth is good enough.

“If I have been, I wasn’t aware of it. Honestly, growing up the way I had, boys were very low on my priority list,” she mumbled. “And that was mutual - you know, an ugly tomboy daughter of two junkies wasn’t exactly a fuck you’d like to bag, let alone fall in love with.”

He sharply tsk-tsked.

“Don’t be stupid.”

“It’s true!” she said with a chuckle. “The closest I’ve gotten to someone wanting me was that one single kiss in high school.”

Stone was open with her, so she decided to follow in his footsteps.

“Me and him were friends, or at least I think we were at some point,” she continued, falling deeper and deeper into her memory. “Fuck, I had such a huge crush that it was painful to even just look at him. Like, it physically hurt. Like a sore punch to the chest, I felt like choking every time I set my eyes on him. You know what I mean, right?”

“Yeah.”

His voice suddenly sounded so different - strained. When she took a quick peek at him to figure out why, she didn’t find anything out of the ordinary. Lately, he had that look quite often. Just staring a hole into the ceiling - one of his typical deer-in-the-headlights expressions, not blinking or moving in any way. Statuesque.

“Teddy, his name was,” she said. “He was a metalhead. Six foot five, he had long wavy hair that he dyed bright fluorescent orange. Like, traffic cone orange. I think he was ginger from the get-go, but I can’t remember. His ears were really pointy, just like yours.”

She could see Stone sit up in her peripheral, stretching as rested his back against the wall. He seemed intrigued.

“He looked like an overgrown punky pixie. Big baby blue eyes. And he smoked these long clove cigs that he shared with me on lunch break, they were disgusting. Always made my tongue numb.”

She let out a shaky sigh, blinking back the tears that stabbed her eyes.

“There was this huge oak tree behind the school building,” she shook her head and breathed out an airy chuckle. “The crown was so big and heavy that the branches were drooping down, that’s how many leaves it had. It was a great hiding place, so we used to sit under it.”

“Was he good?” Stone asked after a pause, encouraging her to continue. Keeva turned to face him, cursing herself when she failed to push back a stray tear. It rolled out of the corner of her eye and audibly fell on the bedsheets.

“Like a good guy or a good kisser?” she scoffed, hoping that he wouldn’t see her wet cheek in the shade.

To her displeasure, Stone immediately reached out and gently wiped it with his thumb.

“Both.”

“I wouldn’t know,” she shrugged. His skin seemed to be like a magnet - suddenly, more tears escaped as if they were begging to be touched by him. “About either, ‘cause it turned out that he did it to get me to steal some of my mom’s coke, so I don’t think I’m a good judge of character.”

The sigh that escaped his lips was so heavy that his shoulders slumped.

“So, uh,” she cleared her throat. “Wouldn’t recognize love even if it repeatedly bashed into my face.”

Stone stared at her for a few moments, an unreadable expression swirling in his wide eyes, before he threw his head back. The sound of his skull against the wall was so crude it made her jump.

“I wish I could go back in time, you know,” he muttered, closing his eyes. “I wish I had a fucking time machine.”

“What a vast statement,” Keeva snickered and reached out to tug on the hairs on his legs. “You should slow down with the hash, I feel like I’m getting high by proxy.”

Stone didn’t seem even slightly amused.

“There are just these nonsensical regrets that pop into existence out of nowhere every time you speak,” he shook his head and looked up at the ceiling again. “Like, I regret things that never happened, you know?”

“I don’t know,” she simply said.

“I regret that I didn’t swoop in and stuff you into my duffle bag and just steal you away back then. That I didn’t carry you out of that shithole in my teeth,” he banged his head against the wall again and slid down, sinking into the bed. “But I was on the other side of the world, you know. So I couldn’t have done that. No matter how fucking much I wish I was there, I wasn’t.”

Fuck. What have I done to deserve you?

“I wouldn’t want that,” she frowned, shifting a bit closer so she could hug his leg. “I’m sure you were having a much better time here, Stoney, thank god. Little careless pebble.”

“But that doesn’t matter anymore, you know?” he pushed further and ran his hand through his still twisted hair. “The past, the present and the future exist all at once and you changed my past. How can the younger me be happy when the older me knows that the younger you was suffering while he was fucking around and sweeping through punk rock clubs?”

Jesus, he must be high as a kite.

“Oh, Stoney,” Keeva whispered, rubbing his shin. “We should really go to sleep, your head is going to be pounding tomorrow -”

“Don’t patronize me!” Stone suddenly raised his voice, making her jump. “How do you not get it? I fucking lo-”

She felt sick to her stomach when he stopped himself with a frustrated groan.

“I fucking loathe younger me for having fun.”

It seemed like a heavy boulder lifted off her chest and fell on it at the same time. She sat up and reluctantly moved closer to him, taking his face in her palms.

“Well, the older you and the older me exist here, now, and we are having fun now,” she said, giving him a reassuring smile when he looked at her. “I’m having so much fun that it makes up for everything. I’m stuck in a room with a hot guy who had just smoked enough hash to narcotize a horse, he’s saying nice things about me, smells really good and likes to make music together. What more could I ask for?”

Stone scoffed.

He let the question hang in the air for a couple of seconds before wrapping his arms around her and - this time as light as a feather - turned her around and pulled her back onto his lap.

“A time machine.”

“I wouldn’t take it if they paid me,” Keeva sank back and closed her eyes as he rested his chin on her shoulder. “I’m happy with being here, now. Aren’t you?”

Stone shrugged, but she wouldn’t get discouraged now.

“Judging by your pupils, you should be blissed out of your skull right now,” she mused - his soft chuckle tickled her goosebumpy skin.

“Who says I’m not? I’ve been puffing on your compliments all night long.”

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫

[therealandian]

things i thought about when working on stts but didn't actually wind up in the story:

jon and jonny getting stranded on a planet together and having to scrap together their own ship. i was even going to have it tie back into a bit in redeath where martin mentions abandoning jonny on a watery planet in retaliation for more or less selling him to hereward. originally they were supposed to not get along very well, but the moment i added jonny into the story i realized i could have a lot more fun with him taking jon under his wing. i was still thinking i'd strand them somewhere, including elias once i thought to add him in as well, but the closest i really got was the planet where jon got addicted to drugs lol. the water world bit got recycled and became por'zykev

jon actually learning to play an instrument. i just didn't have the time/a good opportunity to write this in. rest assured that he learned something, though

one version of the end involved jon and elias kidnapping little jon (who is midway through s3), jon replacing him at the institute, and then elias taking him away to some other planet. then martin was supposed to find him and kidnap little jon back before returning to earth while elias desperately chased after him

another version of the end that i did write some of involved elias adopting little jon instead of martin. but since i felt like it would add too much extra with how i'd written it, i decided against it. i may be persuaded to release some of that because there were still some great moments lol

there was a long period where i planned to have jon part from elias because he wanted time to accept that he would never see martin again. meanwhile elias would fuck off to earth. this ties into the 'elias adopting little jon' version, but isn't necessarily the only ending i thought of with this particular piece

the talyn were originally going to be warlords conquering the galaxy, but it was honestly way more interesting to have them just sorta be there as an overarching government that was relatively chill with letting people do what they'd already been doing. after all, a hivemind race would be all about cooperation

there was a whole conversation planned about the pros and cons of being a god with donovan's kids. this didn't wind up making the cut, but that scene did end with elias crying into mashed potatoes, and i think that's hilarious still

this isn't necessarily something that didn't make it into the fic since it's referenced a couple times, but it's important that everyone knows that elias adopted Every Child He Met who didn't have decent parents. there were many.

the bit where jon got dissected was originally 1) on a spaceship, 2) both jon and elias nearly getting blown to pieces by the talyn, and 3) way more graphic. jon actually demanded elias leave him behind and pick him up later, because in that version they already had the dread-not. this was the part where they realized they were friends and had a panic about it. i might be persuaded to post that bit too, actually. i was pretty proud of it at the time i first thought it up lol

there's a scene in my head that i started writing out that wouldn't have fit anywhere in the overall narrative (and i'd already finished stts by then). in that scene, elias has a sudden realization that he's attracted to jon and they have to have a Talk. jon naturally doesn't feel the same, and elias is fine with that so long as jon is happy. it would've probably been pretty cute, but it didn't really fit the pacing, and frankly i wanted to leave their relationship relatively ambiguous. they definitely love each other, but the form of that love is up to each individual reader

jon and elias have fucked at least once out of boredom. whether or not it ever happened again is anybody's guess.

there are definitely other things that i've since forgotten, but i thought it'd be fun to run back through and see what random stuff i'd planned to do throughout everything. it's pretty funny, because while redeath stuck pretty damn close to the original timeline, stts gave me the freedom to fuck around and find out, and i'm deeply proud of the result. sure, there are plenty of other things i probably could've done, adding or subtracting or reconfiguring different scenes and situations, but i feel like accepting that not everything is going to make it into the story with the way the pacing worked out is important. take the sheer amount of endings i plotted out in my head, for example. literally dozens XD

[ramblyngrobyn]

Juvenile (Pkmn/Prsk crossover) Prologue notes extended

Okay! So! This is the start of a little big something I've been sitting on for a while. For the last several months (since at least April 2023) I've been occasionally poking at this ever-expanding AU in my phone's notes, adding ideas for story beats and things to do with the characters and world. I always figured I wouldn't actually turn this into a real thing and figured I'd just keep it to my own imagination but the brainworms eventually won, so here I am!

Uh, so I don't know how "good" this is gonna be? Hell even this first chapter I'm already worried that maybe I tried to do too much at once. As I was writing a lot of extra ideas hit me for how I could better build this as a solid foundation of the rest of the story. I wanted every scene to like, matter, yknow? It might just straight up be too long! But any time I considered cutting a scene just to make things more brief I was like "no, no, I need that part". I could have also cut it into multiple chapters but it's the same amount of content so like, what would the point be. If you're wondering, the break points for a 3-chapter version of this would have been Mafuyu showing up at Kanade's place and Kanade seeing the others off at the train station.

Right off the bat, the prologue is a bit different tonally and I wanna talk about that. There's not a super high saturation of Pokemon stuff in this opening! I hope that isn't too weird considering this is a Pokemon AU! I wanted to ease Kanade into it before dropping her in the deep end for the last chunk. When the next chapter hits, we’ll be in full on Poke-mode. This chapter also has a handful of more serious moments, which is par for the course since y'know, Niigo. I actually cut out or edited some bleaker moments because I thought they felt out of place, lol. It's gonna get a lot more consistently lighthearted from here, I promise! (Mostly!)

I have the broad strokes of this story outlined, both in written notes and a map that I scribbled out. I don't have all the details in-between locked in, I'm being flexible there, but I know where I want this to go and generally speaking what I want to do with the whole cast.

I'm not aiming for anything super profound with this, and I have no practical experience in long-form storytelling. Hopefully that doesn't bite me in the butt too hard. Going forward, some chapters might end up being mostly choreographed action, some might be the characters sitting around talking for a few thousand words. At the end of the day, this is just me having fun with my favorite characters in one of my favorite fictional words. I'm trying to not think so hard that I corner myself.

On that note, I think it's worth noting up front that this is very much my version of these characters in my version of Unova. Not in a "my fic don't like don't read" kind of way but like... you might not agree with every choice?

For the most part character origins will have to be built from the ground up, though as you can see from this first chapter I've tried to keep bits and pieces from canon that I think naturally fit. Niigo's origin story is honestly pretty easy to write and intuit around considering they first met remotely. And while I did do a lot of expositing in this opening I think that instead of every character getting an airtight, perfectly laid out backstory, I'll leave some things to the imagination.

As far as the laws of the Pokemon universe goes, it probably goes without saying that I definitely won't be following strict rules from the games. Some Pokemon might end up learning moves that aren't in their learnset, for example (or at least, if they make sense for the Mon in question). Some moves and abilities might have their function tweaked for this context, or I might go for a different interpretation of how the move manifests physically. There’ll be Pokemon that have more than literally four moves. Stuff like that. I'm inserting some headcanons, some ideas that I think fill in gaps in the world building, and there'll be a lot of changes to the design of the world. I joke to myself that this is a "post-globalism Unova", because there's some locations that are really different, a couple totally original locations, and Pokemon here that don't show up in Pokemon BW/2. You could call it "anime logic" if you want, I just think loosening the rules makes things more interesting and fun to write and read. 

One more little nugget: In case you didn't recognize it, the title is from the Jin song made for the Project Voltage collab! It's my favorite song so far from the crossover, it makes me feel so many things. It just felt like a perfect fit for this story vibes-wise, as well as a fun coincidence since I’d been imagining Kanade with an Eevee for months beforehand.

I may run out of steam eventually, but I'm publishing this first chapter because I'm currently feeling fired up about it. Even if the current enthusiasm wanes over time this'll be here for me to poke with an update whenever I want.

I'd love for you to join me on this silly journey, and I hope you can enjoy it!

[drawnaghht]

more thoughts on ship names (leosagi, sliderbunny, yuileo etc) - more is not bad

So I'd like to suggest a thought - multiple ship tags and names are not actually bad - it's more like a way of detecting what flavor the ship and resulting fanworks will be. let me explain more below. if this sounds a bit dated, that's because I wrote this back in january-march but noticed I hadn't archived it properly and that it needed a bit more writing to finish some thoughts so I'm posting this now, lest I forget it lol. maybe i have also already posted it before but... i cannot find this old version, so i guess not ^^;;

If you like the Yuichi x Leo ship, are annoyed at Leosagi being used as an umbrella term or are just curious abt another fan's thoughts on ship names, here-a we go. Some thoughts on the leosagi and leochi/leoichi ship names in general ^^ 

Some things are a bit more outdated: namely, transfem!12yuinardo has now been steadfastly used as a ship tag for transfem Yuichi x 12Leo, so kudos to that person! Thank you for making this unique tag more common!

resources used:

https://fanlore.org/wiki/Pairing_Name https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/IdiosyncraticShipNaming

Anyway, more under cut.

so, being in the rottmnt fandom for a bit longer this time (or being longer in a tmnt phase this time) and browsing the leosagi and leochi tags since august last year... has made me realize again that I really enjoy/prefer genfic most times? i like writing romance, but I enjoy writing action a lot more + exploring character writing in general, so that’s probably what my own crossover works will try to feature more too now.

being in tmnt fandom longer this time around, I thought that it was nice ppl still remembered leosagi, but I didn't expect a "new" version of it. Now, seeing thru the history of it (the RabNerd video on Leosagi felt like a nice refresher on TMNT fandom history in general and it’s nice to listen to) and going thru the tumblr tag (that and ao3 being sorta the only reliable archives on fanwork, with the exception of authors deleting their own work and tumblrtags not working as expected at times/finding hidden stuff), I think it's good we have multiple tags. Now about the tag I made up in september, "yuinardo" (I believe I already made two tagging-related posts thinking abt this tag/name way back in autumn 2022)

this YuiNardo ship name was mostly made as a portmanteau to make tagging and finding easier - for the ship Yuichi x Rise!Leo bc I wanted to differentiate it from Leochi/Leoichi but also the old Leosagi ship, because to me that was a bit different. at first I thought people would use the numbering system (03 leosagi etc per tmnt series airing year), but I started to notice that there was a lot more fanon with the ship this time than before. So when Netflix suggested the show to me one august evening after seeing the Rise movie, I started watching the series proper out of curiosity. as I’ve written before in a few places publicly (i think), the series was a bit slow and boring for me at first. But as I kept watching, I suddenly saw where the writing was going and what interesting things about its characters it was telling us. I got invested in the series for it’s strong family themes and how it handled its characters and story arcs, but also the music was something holding it all together for me emotionally. So I became a genuine fan and started reading more of the original Usagi Yojimbo comic too

one commonality I saw in many fanworks is that Yuichi is often changed a lot to fit a fan's own idea of who he should be as a character in relation to Leo or the fan's own setting/AU. This is fairly normal in fandom in general, esp for smth like TMNT. After all, why not play around in the sandbox given by canon? I also noticed fanworks often ignore the canon or worldbuilding set in his own show, and even the other prominent SRTUC characters get ignored/rewritten more than not. Or people make their own new versions with the same name. Which is fine, fanon!Yuichi and other fanversions are interesting. I usually like seeing redesigns in other fandoms and here they are interesting too, but I actually like the character as he is! He's funny to see fail but also fun/funny to watch/listen in general, especially interacting with other characters, whether main cast or one-off characters. He's a blorbo for me now who has taken up permanent root in my fandom/artist brain. I felt like he'd be fun to write in a shipfic or genfic with Rise!Leo bc their personalities are both so similar and so different. They feel like a strangely matching set, despite the shows never having a crossover (and despite Yuichi technically being a whole new original character for the show from the crew to avoid messing up the og Usagi cast too much). I want to write some genfic and Chizu and Kitsune centric fic one day too if I got the time.

Now after becoming a fan though, it’s honestly a bit sad to see people eschew his personality and writing completely - it feels fine that other fans are making AU and fandesign versions based on him, but this just means that when I open the Yuichi Usagi tags or search - I only find these fan interpretations but no versions where another fan is also a fan of the series. Which isn’t to say, that there aren’t other fans posting fanart, but that it’s just a lot less common that people tagging him as “TMNT usagi” or “Rise Usagi” etc. Some fans have said this is disrespectful to Sakai and the Samurai Rabbit crew - some even go on to hate the character (???) which like - it’s a cartoon. why are you angry at it. And these are often the older fans who are around my age (30+) or older, who are fed up with the younger parts of fandom - which I kinda get. I’ve even seen people make stuff up about the series, but I’m not really interested in pursuing that further because you know what. People have grievances about fandom stuff all the time. It’s pointless and a little mindless sometimes. There are so many bigger problems going on in the world. Fandom is something we are all supposed to enjoy. So to argue with another fan - I don’t have the energy to do that anymore. I might correct factual errors here and there, because that feels like it can be a courtesy sometimes. But I’m not interested in laying down blame or building some sort of longer discussion around things that should be fun, if they’re not fun anymore. Honestly, it would be nice if for once, the older and younger parts of TMNT fandoms could respect each other and get along. Like I’m not feeling hopeless about that but it’s just annoying to come back every 5-8 years and see people fighting and arguing about similar things. But that’s another topic entirely. 

I don't honestly quite get the dislike of the character either, but I guess when I was younger, I would have been annoyed by a character like this too. (Foster’s Home comes to mind...where I hated Bloo because of his personality sdfsdfs but I was a very picky child with cartoons in generally)  Personally, to me it seems ppl ignore the show and its writing bc of various aspects: besides simple dislike, it's easy to look at a newer cartoon show in a surface-level way; many still have this stance on cartoons that a "dumb kids show" can't be interesting or have substance; the show falls into many concessions to fit what netflix ordered of the crew. + audience tastes have changed over time - and no, not even talking abt just spiderverse, tho thankfully that has changed what more "general" audiences expect of both an 3D, animated film and a superhero/action flick. (cinemas here even listed it as a 2D animated film a while ago lol. it's a complex bag of factors but audiences + specifically distributors/studios are becoming slowly more receptive to 2D animation again. slightly.)  

What may have been fun to see 10+ years ago for a 3D tv cartoon then, would not fly for viewers now. Even if we ignore internet-posting fans who do like it (who seem to be primarily teens and young adults up to age 24), and how popular the show was at it's premiere (3rd in the UK among kids?), there might be those in the target audience itself as well who do not like it for various reasons. Additionally, viewers are fickle about cartoons in general.  So there are probably many more reasons people have to dislike the character and show that are related to other things. Again, this is just how fandom sometimes works. I’ve been in a lot of other fandoms before where I’m the only one who likes canon or likes writing canon-adjacent, exploring theories in canon etc and this to me started to feel like a similar situation. So I understand when people say the SRTUC fandom is kind of non-existant, if so much of the “fan content” relies on a ship. But saying as someone whose seen sort of “worse” at least there are other people at all and the tags mostly have fanart/fic and not other kinds of stuff, like spam or worse.

Whatever us fans' view might be however, he is still a valid character in the Usagi-verse, AU or not. I've read and listened to interviews with both Stan Sakai and the show crew, and seen artist portfolios with work from the show. The overall experience on the creators' side seems to have been positive. That, and I primarily view the show as a sort of transmedia storytelling venue... almost. It never takes away from the og comic and it adds an interesting alternative future to it, similar to Space Usagi, but as a fun cartoon. It becomes a sort of "gateway tent" for Usagi media and kids who watch this might be inclined to open up the comics, rifle through their parents old books and discover the world of Usagi Yojimbo proper. Like the comic, it also becomes a vehicle for learning for those willing to look things up later after the show, i.e. the yokai lore, customs in modern japan etc. So to me, the show is a net positive and Yuichi Usagi an interesting take on a Usagi descendant. The show is also interesting for me for it's casting (all asian-american cast. hello???) and staff choices as it seemed that everyone was on board with anything Stan Sakai wanted +they tried to put Miyamoto Usagi into the series as much as they could despite Netflix giving them a full limit (or almost a no?) at first - but the series writers and artists included him in an interesting way. So to me the series is good and as a fan, I can see it have interesting crossovers (a lot of the crew also seemed to be big TMNT fans and big UY fans at the same time)

Yuichi is headstrong, openly friendly and impulsive, but also the only one who notices things "outside of the box" more often than the rest of his team. He relies almost entirely on his trained sword skills and complete chance to get out of almost any situations. Leo is sorta painted as a "team clown" and "team faceman", (s1) always trying to make things more lighthearted in stressful situations, which starts to contrast his more strategic nature as we go on in the series. He wonders why he's not trusted (s2) but the thing is, most times he does not tell them his plans, even if they work, so he's seen as impulsive. Together in any shipping or genfic scenarios, I feel like they would feed off each other's lighthearted natures and impulsive instincts, but also work well together bc of how many things they notice, but also, rabbit brain empty, and Leo would be more cautious. That was what I initially kind of imagined for them when I first watched through Samurai Rabbit.

I had a big "mega-crossover" fic idea back in august which would also feature the 03 ship Leosagi, where I could both have a tmnt crossover, write fun action-adventure with the TMNT + Usagi kids and write some sort of neat continuation to what 03 Leo and Usagi might have been going through in a 13-year timeskip. But for that, I thought the tagging would be easier with og tags vs just trying to number leosagi again. Since Rise started in 2018, we often tag it as TMNT 2018, but Usagi Chronicles aired in 2022, (even if production started in 2020) so any attempt to tag it as "2020s leosagi" has just left me more confused. So a unique tag was needed for my own tagging use. I’ve helped make some smoosh names before and this just seemed like a fun thing to do in a fandom I was sort of new to (the ship and SRTUC fandom)

Oh also, I read thru the fanlore article linked above on pairing name conventions and I had totally forgotten some of the ways to make ship names bc I've become so accustomed to portmanteaus and "_shipping" rather than x (used both in general ship names as well as slash pairings) + (preslash or platonic) or even / (slashfic) just bc those sort of conventional ways to tag are harder to find on tumblr bc of its tagging system (special characters make tagging unorganizable or harder to use)

+ I've been more active in modern fandom spaces for only 13+ years, while stuff like ff.net was maybe confusing to use as a young teen. So again, some pairing naming conventions have sorta escaped me over time lol. So it would be interesting to see what else people start to use for this newer ship of Yuichi x Rise!Leo 

Different kinds of names for one pairing are fairly common in any kind of fandom. Pokemon and YGO fandoms have put these on vote for example (thinking of doing this out of curiosity) but that would have to mean a more unified fandom I suppose? Having both a smoosh name (leosagi) and _shipping name (katanashipping) have stuck with the old ship and imo that should be respected because the ship conventions were there way before this newer ship or these newer series came about. I’ve seen many posts now where ppl complain about the tagging, especially the character tagging and the leosagi tag itself, because technically again, totally new ship. So to be a bit upset at that imo is totally understandable. imagine your favourite old ship you’ve been tagging the same is suddenly overtaken by a new, only vaguely related one? I also like the online shipping-related analogy: if you’re looking for a specific game in the store, why would a pair of shoes be tagged? or a different game? you’re only at the store for that one game, but now other stuff is being suggested to you because of other users’ tagging.

Considering those slash-ship naming conventions, I suppose I made the ship name to be more Yuichi-centric a bit - starts with his name, tho again, this was just one way to "flavor" the ship for me - but also specifically for the Yuichi we have on the show, because I enjoy the show and understand why Usagi is written the way he is on it. Mainly that he is given "annoying teen" traits to contrast the changes he goes through in the short time of the 2 seasons + he seems be written with intentional ADHD-coding. + I wanted something more lighthearted and funnier-sounding, so Nardo was added bc that is Leo's nickname on the Rise show that his family uses teasingly, mainly by Donnie. I thought that would make it unique. (And, this is more subtle, but I also thought it was more funny that Nardo sorta sounded like "Naruto" and that Usagi Chronicles has a few Naruto influences in its art and design, so, slightly matching in coincidence.) 

But also Yuinardo just sounds fun and easy to pronounce + I cannot find any other tags that it overlaps with. Main use for tags after all - easy to find and unique - which I think is why the og Leosagi tag prevailed among the other names that popped up back then when the Leosagi 2003 ship first became popular online. I have no idea however if there was a ship for this before this, since I never went looking really (and there weren't much leosagi fic on ff.net then to get any impression of previous fandom activity)

If you want to continue to use Leochi or Leoichi as a tag, that's still fine bc its a big tag and more popular for this ship. But if you also like the Samurai Rabbit show, feel free to use the Yuinardo tag as well, depending on the the use ^^

Going through the fanlore article, I also realized that hey, actually having multiple tags/names is normal in fandoms! It's to make searching/naming for different flavours of pairings easier. I forgor. Let me explain.

the Leosagi as well as the Leochi/Leoichi tags sorta blew up in august after the ROTTMNT movie bc of new or returning fans rediscovering an old ship that's been a constant since the 03 fandom. and ppl posted fanart of the two versions in the tags before this too, but there was a notable uptick in those new fans after august 2022. I think when Samurai Rabbit aired, ppl posted fanart then too. 

The SliderBunny tag existed already for people's own teen!Miyamoto Usagi x Rise!Leo versions and honestly, this could continue as an umbrella tag for any Rise!Leo x Usagi ships going forward, as "Rise Leosagi" has built up more as a tag. or "2018 Leosagi" whichever do you prefer

For 2003 Leosagi, Katanashipping exists bc it's unique to them (the katana-gifting scene in the 03 show) + it is a more specific name and tag, which helps to find it easier or make it more specific. + it just adds the extra flavor of knowing what went on between the two in the show. That was their last canon interaction as far as we know. 

I want to also add here that the 03 version of Miyamoto Usagi is specifically very different. I remember reading an article somewhere which mentioned that Stan Sakai had been a bit upset w the 03 team that they made Usagi so young and different from his comics. I'll repost/add the link another time, but the main point is that the 03 pairing/friendship is quite different from both the existing canon comics and the 12!tmnt iteration of their friendship.

someone pointed out that the yuinardo tag could be for the ship Yuichi Usagi x 12!Leonardo but I do not see it that way for the above reasons. But what could be the name for that then? That's for the shippers of that ship to decide. I've heard some variations of smashing the names together for this like Luichi and YuiLeo (I kinda like that 2nd one myself), but they both sound a bit too much like real names to be tags/ship names.

I do not know the Yuichi x 12Leo name, but I suppose it could follow common convention of adding 12 in front, since that has been done before for people's own versions of 12leosagi as well, so thir's world and see what happens! so it'll be interesting takes off more. There is potential for both angst and comedy in this one. 🤔 what people will start tagging this onnce coed be 12leochi or 12yuinardo maybe even. I do not see it honestly, but I also did not continue watching much of tmnt12 after season 3 bc it was hard to see Leo go through Stuff(tm) again and I did not like how the show approached writing its female characters. So I don't quite get the appeal, but I think if fans see opportunities to write it in interesting/fun ways, why not. I headcanon 12!Leo as a  transfem lesbian, and Yuichi reads slightly transmasc for me, so maybe that's why I don't quite see it bc my fanon ideas are a bit different for them ^^; + it feels like they are from different times from a "when it was made" perspective, the shows' vibes are different (12 is more horror-genre scifi a lot of times while SRTUC does not lean into its horror thematics as much as it could be the name for that then? That's for the shippers of that ship to decide. 

the transfem sapphic version I know one person calls Blue Sapphics, which is cute, but idk if there's a common name that every shipper uses? let me know in the reblogs or comments. 

anyway, larger point also; it's not so bad to have multiple tags (as long as you use them according to what's in the post) and multiple names - so that one tag (leosagi) doesn't have to do all the heavy-lifting and that fans who only want one flavor, can have that. tagging is more like a courtesy but it helps to make finding fanart/other fans of the same thing easier, but they often also follow what becomes commonly discussed and used among a fandom.

Sorry if this is super-duper long, I haven't been able to write normally since discovering the internet and that I could post on it and things just happen to get this long when I finally finish a writing ^^; 

crunches my brain a lil as I make this post bc i have other stuff cooking in my brain

[rovermcfly]

not that anyone asked for it but here's my Thunderheart novelization thoughts

also the sheer amount of micro-aggressions, especially from cooch. there is a lot of influence from the 4th script draft still in there. at this point I'm surprised they didn't include even more in the movie than they already have. racism in general is, probably realistically so, much more directly expressed.

I'm surprised by some of the differences to the movie, especially Ray's characterisation as pretty hot-headed and short-fused, especially giving Cooch lip from the start. Also the additional details like his growing up on the rez, trying to erase that from his file, all that was pretty bold. the movie seems to suggest a backstory of him being entirely out of touch, never having grown up around his own people and only knowing his father but choosing to erase his memory from his mind (but not to the point of erasing him from his file. his disdain seems more passive, less aggressive. like he thinks if he forgets and denies it will just go away), but just in general chooses ambiguity.

novel Walter is 💯💯🔥🔥 absolutely adore the way he's written. the same snark as movie walter but with much more of a touch of profoundness. "The expression in Crow Horse's eyes reminded Ray of Grandpa Reaches, sad and gentle and far-seeing all at the same time." is my favourite way that side of him is described. and I thought I loved him in the movie already, but the lines they wrote for him in the novel absolutely blew me away. I think they probably wouldn't have worked so well and felt too inauthentic on screen but some of them live very rent free in my mind. I'd die for novel walter.

I do like that it canonises that ray hears the drums and it's really significant. the soundtrack and sound design is one of the movie's strongest features, especially in marking all these significant moments. so having them be a part of Ray's visions is really nice.

What I really disliked is the way Maggie is described all the time. It is important for the movie that she has dignity and power and is not sexualised or otherwise a caricature. I understand she's pretty and mentioning that when first describing her, but the constant objectification is really just disgusting and yet another form of violence that Native women are constant victims of. It really really took away a lot of the good for me, she should've been treated with respect. this way the novel just perpetuates what the story takes a stand against. And I know it's supposed to be mainly Ray's POV but nobody forced them to write it that way.

I also found the Stronghold standoff very anticlimactic in the novel, when it's one of the strongest scenes in the movie. it was just lacking for some reason, too much talking and yet no clear stance and statement was made, overall the impact of the moment just wasn't there.

Overall I liked the novelization. It's about as captivating a read as the movie is captivating a watch. It clearly adapted more than just the film, taking several elements from earlier versions of the script. There were parts that, to me, deviated too much from the movie, making it feel like a different story, but as such it was overall good. Especially Ray feels like a different character in many ways. I still think the movie has a certain edge the novel lacks. Not sure how enjoyable a read it would be for someone doesn't already love the movie, but if you liked it it's a nice kinda alternate version to enjoy if you want more.

It's available to read for free on archive.org

[frankthesnek]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Tagged by @sga-owns-my-soul thank you friend!

1) How many works do you have on AO3?

99 but soon to be 100 🎉

2) What's your total AO3 word count?

475,530

3) What fandoms do you write for?

McShep (Stargate Atlantis), Style (South Park), Nickroe (Grimm), Stony (Marvle/Avengers)

4) What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

5) Wrong One, Right One.

4) How the Story Goes.

3) Stop and Think.

2) Not a Test Run.

1) Horny Toads.... and HOLY FUCK what did I do right in this fic?!? It is the most viewed/most kudoed thing I have posted by a freaking landslide 🤯

5) Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try to. If they sit too long I feel weird replying to old ones, but I try. I should do better.

6) What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

A Fractured Version all the parts of it.

7) What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

That's hard I do mostly happy endings.... Probably How the Story Goes, or the Mark's of Joining series maybe?

8) Do you get hate on fics?

I have been very lucky to have great support from people, so no! Thanks guys 🥰

9) Do you write smut? If so what kind?

Yes. A lot of it. What kind? Honustly, I'm all over the place. Read fic tags. But probably do soft/sweet smut the most.

10) Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

No I do not like them.

11) Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I am aware of, I hate that this is even a thing!

12) Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not to my knowledge but please feel free to just let me know if you do!

13) Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

Technically yes but it was in high-school and it didn’t get posted.

14) What's your all time favorite ship?

Oh gosh that is hard.... I honustly do not know the answer to that. Cop-out answer but I really have no idea.

15) What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Riding Free With You. Its been abandoned for years, and as much as I wish it would get done I just don't see it ever happening.

16) What are your writing strengths?

Fuck if I know. Smut? Emotions maybe? I like writing dialogue.

17) What are your writing weaknesses?

Grammer, spelling, typos. My dyslexia makes me a shit writer on some fundamental levels, and I accept that and do my best to watch for it and correct it. Also, action scenes, I don't think I'm good at them.

18) Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

Fine if it's done right. And I really don't know what the right way is. All I know is I hate having to scroll to the bottom to read the A/N to find out what was said by someone in another part of the fic.

19) First fandom you wrote for?

YuGiOh GX. Moving on now...

20) Favorite fic you've ever written?

Probably Fireflies. I am very attached to that one and I don't have a good reason why. It just makes me very happy.

Oh lord that felt like it took forever to put together 😮‍💨 it was fun though, so thanks much! No tags because I'm pretty sure this has made the rounds already. But if you haven't done it and want to consider yourself tagged!

[prometheankat]

The Girls is Not That Good - review

video version here: https://youtu.be/0xCFmudBbos

I recently found out via email newsletter that Emma Cline has a new book out. I’ve been told that reviews for her second book, The Guest, have been overwhelmingly positive, although I must admit that I have not read any of these reviews or the actual book itself. I have, however, read her debut novel, The Girls, and this new release reminded me that I never actually published a review for it and now I’m going to make it everyone’s problem. So, in this essay I’ll be covering the book and my thoughts on it, most of which aren’t that positive. There will be spoilers and I’ll be covering sensitive subjects related to cults and murder, so view at your own discretion. 

To start us off, The Girls was originally published in 2016 by Random House and is Emma Cline’s first published novel. Loosely inspired by the infamous Manson family murders, its plot follows 14-year-old Evie Boyd as she is caught up in a group of spellbinding girls and the man/cult leader they all follow, Russell. The book was the winner of the Shirley Jackson Award for Best Novel 2016 and was a Goodreads Choice Award Nominee for Best Fiction 2016. Sounds like a pretty good book, right? Many other readers and reviewers would agree with you, like the Washington Post and NPR. I, however, would not, as you have probably already guessed from the title of this review. I have a few different problems with this novel, the first of which is the fact that the author managed to make something as fascinatingly macabre and intriguing as boring as my high school finance class. 

The real life story behind Charles Manson and the so-called Tate Murders is almost horrifically interesting. I read Helter Skelter by Vincent Bugliosi, a true crime novel about the case written by the actual prosecutor for the trial, right before I read The Girls, which is part of the reason The Girls felt so flat to me. Helter Skelter is a gripping, horrifying beast of a book. It sucks you in and refuses to let you go until you’ve learned every gritty, gory detail. Bugliosi’s intimate knowledge of the case makes him the perfect storyteller, as he leads you through every small clue and motive that build the case against Charles Manson and his oh-so-devoted followers. There’s so much to the story that has already been said both by Bugliosi and other creators in the past fifty years that a retelling like The Girls has to find something new and exciting to shed line on, a whole new avenue to explore. This book just doesn’t do that. Cline doesn’t really have anything new to say. 

Our main character, Evie, is a perpetual outsider. In this way, she acts like an audience-insert, allowing us a peek into the dark world that she’s stumbled upon. And there’s nothing wrong with this premise besides the fact that Evie doesn’t really do anything. Whether it’s because the author didn’t want to offend any of the real life people involved in the Manson family by basing a character on them or because she didn’t want to implicate her character in their crimes, therefore absolving her of guilt, this decision forces Evie to lurk outside of her own narrative. She isn’t allowed to do anything new, so the book never delves into uncharted territory. The story would have happened the exact same even if Evie had never existed at all, which is not a good thing for people to say about your main character. And because of this, the book really lacks a solid purpose. It fails to explore anything at all. 

The same is true for the plot, which is largely a gross simplification of real life events with a few spatterings of original writing that serve as our look into the future. Obviously, no retelling that is “inspired by” true events will line up perfectly with reality, but rather than taking an interesting concept and adding something new or turning it on its head, this book makes it boring and pedestrian. In the real world, Manson’s motives are a complex and confusing amalgamation of race wars, prejudice, post apocalyptic futures, dune buggies, Beatles lyrics, and miscellaneous Biblical influences. They’re a mess and they barely make sense, but that’s what makes it interesting. The search for a motive in the mountains of evidence is one of the most important parts of the prosecution case explained in Helter Skelter. In contrast, our Manson stand-in featured in The Girls wants to kill people because Mitch, our resident Beach Boy stand-in, couldn’t get him a record deal. Which is mind numbingly boring, especially when the other option is a madman’s belief that he is Jesus and killing any random influential person will start a war where him and his family will be the only survivors, all because they hunkered down in the desert on dune buggies. Like, it’s pure insanity, but it’s interesting to read about. The motives are the most glaring example I can provide, but The Girls simplifies pretty much every true event it draws inspiration from. And in that aspect, the plot really falls flat. 

The other parts of this book are comprised of Cline’s original ideas, particularly inventions about Evie’s family, friends, and future. Some of these portions take place in the future, following Evie as an aimless middle-aged woman currently house-sitting for a friend. When said friend’s teenage son and his girlfriend show up, we get some good interactions between Evie and the girlfriend, Sasha. I actually really enjoyed these sections, especially seeing how Evie saw herself in Sasha and tried to help her despite Sasha’s own wishes. All of the original writing wasn’t bad. The only time it fell flat was when it ventured back to the main plot, which was most of the book. 

And that’s what’s really the most disappointing thing about this book. There’s just so much wasted potential. This could have been interesting. This could have been amazing. I could have really enjoyed this. I actually really enjoy the idea behind it, which is why I picked up this book in the first place. Showing a girl’s perspective of these events, showing how someone vulnerable could get drawn into a cult would be an interesting area to explore. Especially when combined with how women were treated during the time period contrasted with how they were the actual ones doing the murdering, there’s a lot of interesting concepts in the idea alone. This could have been a much deeper, twisted exploration of some really cool ideas, if only the author wasn’t scared to commit to the actual cult material. Most of the story is built around it, but we never really explore it. It’s just another thing that happens because the plot demands so. Why write a book about a cult if you aren’t going to really go for it? Why do it at all? This book could have been so much better if Cline did commit to it. Or, alternatively, I think she could have written a really great novel if she just used her own original ideas. Her writing in the future sections was really good and I’m sure that a story where she isn’t bound to a historical inspiration could be really good. Either of those options would have been better than the book she actually wrote. 

Maybe I will read The Guest. Maybe it will be better than The Girls. But when it comes to The Girls, if you’re looking for a story about cults and murder in the sixties, just read Helter Skelter. Or if you don’t want to do that, you can just skim the Wikipedia page for Charles Manson. Either option would be more interesting. Because oftentimes, reality is much, much stranger than fiction. 

[freedfromthegalactichivemind]

The old Reaper Brothers stories.

So, a coincidence in @baggebythesea 's ongoing Choose Your Own Adventure poll-story got me thinking of a set of old fics of mine. Robin and Jerome's Excellent Adventures. The main OCs also show up in a few of my stray fanfictions that are not a part of the series. They premiered as random characters in a Hordak-centric fic and I borrowed their names for an idea I had an, well, it went from there. I haven't written a new fic for them in a while. This is mostly because the people who used to be interested in them aren't interested anymore. I had a falling out with most of the "clone fandom" that existed once upon a time over some misunderstandings and behaving very awful and self-destructively. I think interest was waning, anyway, and clone-fandom has never been a big subset of Spop fandom. It is very, very niche and I think most people like humor with them, not as much the drama that I like to do. At this point in my life, I do not know if I will ever write a full story / centric on them again. This is because of events in my life. It is honestly kind of weird that I basically spent 1-2 years parsing out a lot of my views surrounding the subject of Death via these stories. They started out as just an idea about the possible needs of clones in a more serious version of the She-Ra setting. I think it may have been possibly subconsciously inspired by the Covid-19 pandemic and seeing massive death-tolls in my own country as well as a comparison worldwide whenever I turned on the news. These were all people I would never know.* I probably had some switch flipped in my brain to deal with it with a fictional species who were of the "nameless mook" variety, because it felt like how most of us were at the time (us "essential" retail workers and such). Anyway, I did these stories and I'm glad I did them, even though they are often brutal and heavy and what humor in them trends pretty dark. (As I think clone-humor would, honestly. I headcanon that most Etherians cannot stomach clone stand-up shows because of the things they joke and laugh about for relief). As my life is now, well... I lost a couple of my aunts last summer. *(One a late-contractor of Covid, compounding a lung-condition). I was rather distanced from them, so I took their loss with a wistful sadness and a small, futile regret that I never got back to Arizona to see them again before they went. Last month, however, I lost my dearest friend. My 39 year old nephew (by my partner) who often came over for extended visits (and was with us for months on end during the lockdown), one of the three geeks in our "three geeks in a pod" group, my gamer-buddy, one of the few people on the planet who ever actually understood me died. I've been dealing with the Hell of grief full-on, although I feel a little better after he visited me in a dream the other night. (Those of you with a depressingly materialistic worldview are free to think that it was just my brain doing a thing, but I would like to keep this as something spiritual, if it's all the same). In any case, I am suddenly dealing with a lot of DEATH full-on in my real life, including "Okay, we have to figure out an appropriate memorial service" and it's making me just feel like I cannot continue this specific set of stories anymore. I can have Robin and Jerome show up in miscellaneous fics not having a direct connection to their job, because I like the characters, but I am not sure I have the heart anymore to continue the series. We'll see, but probably not. I think what these character needed to tell me has already been told. I do, as always, appreciate any reviews anyone wants to leave on the existing fics.

[starvingnarcissistmusic]

Some fun album trivia cause it’s late at night and I’m bored in bed

And That Means Everything:

- The original bonus track for the album (before I wrote Anatomy) was a song called Emmet’s Theory Of Everything, which was about a fictional story involving the titular character of Emmet. It was inspired by Slaughter Beach, Dog. The idea of writing about fictional people and places just felt appealing to me (it still sort of is), and in my head it was meant to contrast with the rest of the album being so personal. I scrapped it mostly cause I went a little too far with it, and it ended up mostly feeling like I was just imitating SB,D’s style. Starving Narcissist is a pretty referential project, but whenever I do reference songs or artists I admire, I always try and twist the references into something distinctly in my style. ETOE is one of hundreds of songs I’ve written that have veered too far into just imitating an artist or song I like.

- On the subject of my songwriting though, my writing style pre Starve Narc was a lot more detached than my current lyricism. When I first started writing, I approached it more like I was a storyteller, trying to hammer in themes and morals using fictional tales. The album still has a little bit of that in its DNA, with Mayday!!’s verses, but it took a long time for me to feel comfortable in just writing as an outlet for my own emotions. I feel like it’s very easy for me to write insincerely, and a lot of my early work was just that. It was an attempt to seem deeper than I was, writing about things that I honestly just didn’t really believe in. Looking through old notes, it’s really telling that a lot of my descriptions on what the songs meant were intentionally vague. A song “about somebody who…” or “a person that…”, etc. I think ATME was an album rattling in my head years before I actually sat down and wrote it, I just had to get past the weird mental block I had of trying to detach myself from my own writing.

- Although the singles for ATME were only really chosen cause they were the first songs I recorded, if I had to pick now I probably would’ve saved Blacktop for the full album release. It’s one of my favorites from the album, but I kinda wish it was something people got to experience the day of the release, instead of already knowing it going in.

We Sapient Stardust:

- The hardest song to write for this album was easily Kafkaesque, and it’s not even close. Believe me, I caught that irony. This song was basically four different songs throughout the course of its lifetime. The only thing that stayed between them all was the title and its namesake lyric (“Kafka would’ve killed to write a story like this”), basically everything else changed between versions. The final version takes a bunch of things from all of them, but funnily enough the first verse lyrics were taken from a completely unrelated song. I was fumbling with the riff, trying to come up with something to say, and usually when I’m stuck I like to scroll through old notes and lyrics to pick out lines I can repurpose. Stumbled across an old song, and the entire first half of the song just kind of fell out of me. It’s a bit funny to spend so long on a song only for you to be done so quickly. Finishing Kafkaesque felt very final in a way ATME never really was. Even up until release day, I was fidgeting with mixes and the tracklist with ATME, but for We Sapient Stardust, I pretty much sent the album to streaming services the moment Kafkaesque was done. It felt kind of bittersweet to say goodbye to it.

- This album had infinitely more scrapped tracks than ATME did, a few of which may find their way onto future projects in bits and pieces. A song I had initially really wanted to include was called Coax. This song has had the unfortunate fate of being cut from both albums. First written for ATME, then cut, then rewritten for Stardust, then cut again. I’m kinda iffy on the song as a whole but it’s got a killer chorus I’ve been dying to use for two whole projects now. Maybe some day. Among others, there was also a song called Tourists / Fireflies, which was meant to be a more optimistic closer to We Sapient Stardust. It’s a fine song, it was cut more just because it didn’t feel genuine to pull the same trick twice in two separate albums. Mayday!! is already the optimistic closer in my discography, and doing another one just felt forced, especially for how We Sapient Stardust actually turned out by the end of production. Eventually I just settled for (No One Wants To End On) A Sad Song, since even if it wasn’t the kind of song I wanted to close the album with, it felt a lot more honest. And also it’s literally in its name lmao, idk why I was so allergic to making the most closer coded song in the universe actually the album closer

- The original singles for We Sapient Stardust were going to be A Mannequin Story and There Are Some Things I’d Rather Not Say. This shifted when I wrote Limbic, but honestly, if I had to go back and change something I probably would’ve had Sleepless be the only single instead, Limbic wasn’t really the greatest pick for it. Sleepless is like the best single ever though LOL

I’m pretty much dedicated to not sharing any scrapped songs beyond their titles, because I know just how easily people can get attached to them, but maybe one day I’ll throw the best of the scrapped stuff onto an ep or something. No promises though lmao