#this has been like first time in 2 years I’ve had a sleepwalking experience

[conspicuous-clown-car]

lemme ramble for a bit

so i have this story in my head of my self insert and the bs they go through while working at the pizzaplex for like 2 years as a night guard

and originally they were gonna die at the end of it before the events of security breach, smth about them finally getting what they wanted bc that’s one of the reasons they wanted to work there in the first place. but i thought that was way too sad, despite, yknow, it being a horror and if i was in their place id definitely be dead before then. plus there are some things worse than death in the fnaf universe. so i decided to veer away from angst for this story and go for a more thriller horror (maybe psychological) type thing yknow? makes it more fun

THEN i was like yo what if ghosts kids start haunting them to help them find their killer and there’s like 1 for each pizzaplex animatronic (excluding freddy and roxy bc they got gregory and cassie). and it could be super angsty bc 2 of the kids were inadvertently killed because of moon and one was killed by moon, and my s/i is super close with moon right? so it would be like a moral dilemma, bc they want to help the kids but they still want to be friends with moon, but they’re also horrified that he killed a kid. and my s/i would start dreaming and sleepwalking, forced by the ghost kids to relive their deaths to try and find who killed them. but then i started thinking about the timeline of that, and it would mean moon would’ve had the virus or whatever years before this story takes place, which isn’t what i wanted nor did it make sense. so after a while i was just like nahhhh, and it didn’t really mesh well with the story of security breach anyways, its more sci-fi than supernatural now, and including the ghost kids would just be too much crammed into self insert story i have. the kids designs im still gonna use tho lol

NOW after getting back into fnaf after like a few months of not really caring about the lore, i’ve been watching more theory videos and book summaries and stuff like that and it made me shift my whole view on security breach’s story

so i’ve decided that i wanna stick as close to canon lore as possible and make gregory and vanessa/vanny more present and important. i want to focus more on the issues with ai, and show the slow downfall and problems with depending solely on them. i also need to figure out why my self insert has plot armor bc anyone in their situation would’ve been fired or killed by now (i don’t have to stick that close to canon for this i guess). but im just gonna justify it as they’re a pushover who doesn’t ask any questions and just does what they’re told, which is pretty much what got the other employees fired or killed bc they did the opposite (they’re also a huge nerd about robots so they end up being good friends with all the animatronics which is a HUGE plot point in this story, friendship is the real magic love conquers all etc. etc.) don’t get me wrong, they are fully aware of how wrong things are in the pizzaplex and how some things vanessa has told them don’t add up, but they are a good little employee (they are a severe people pleaser) so they feign ignorance to it all.

my self insert being autistic and having adhd is also a big thing i wanna include, bc there’s some really specific shit about their autism that would affect how they survive and stuff. things like trauma responses, masking, unmasking, meltdowns, and shutdowns that will affect their relationships with the others and will domino affect over time and lead to them surviving. idk ive just been thinking a lot lately about social interactions and experiences i have that are negatively or positively impacted specifically because of my autism. choices choices

i also want to make sure that it’s clear how neglected all the animatronics are. not just the dca since it is intended to be a s/i x sun and moon story. but there’s a lot of issues the in game messages have talked about with the animatronics that seem to happen because no one is bothering to help them. they just put a bandaid on a situation but they don’t fix the root problem yknow. also, my s/i doesn’t think the animatronics are sentient at first, and i want that to be a big thing that gets explored several times throughout the story bc i love thinking about robot sentience.

at first i was gonna have monty sort of start to be nice to my s/i, and maybe they could be friends or even have a sibling type relationship (red hair lol) but then i was like nah, monty being an asshole is what makes his character interesting. plus his behavior is a nice contrast from the rest of the band. though i think it would be funny for some characters to think monty is my s/i’s favorite at first bc their hair is dyed red

i also want sun and moon to be as close to canon as possible. while i love love LOVE pretty much every dca x reader fic i ever read, i have a preference for canon depictions of sun and moon lol. no hate to fanon depictions of sun when i say this, but ive been lost in the sauce of fanon sun for too long, and i wanna make him passive aggressive, and sarcastic, and picky, and fussy!! but still an anxious wreck and a people pleaser perfectionist. i’ll admit im still struggling with this. it was kinda hard to get a gauge on his personality at first because until help wanted 2 we had only seen how he interacts with kids. and even though in universe that isn’t the real sun it’s the only indication we have of how he interacts with adults, so im taking it. moon is still gonna be mischievous, creepy as hell, and won’t talk much, but he’s not gonna be killin anyone (yet), he’s just gonna be kind of a stalker lol. also the dca and freddy have beef for some reason, it’s a personal head canon of mine but im adding it to this story hehe

lots of physical injuries, several concussions, a migraine so bad they loose the ability to communicate properly (smth i experience) will all happen to them, bc i am throwing them through the ringer. they will be stressed more often than not. get projected on idiot (i say that as if this isn’t my self insert and is literally me)

tbh this story would mostly be just a slice of life, shenanigan, character driven thing for most of it. but then little things brought up in the past will become important to the plot later on.

like how copyright music can’t be played in front of any of the animatronics or else they will freak out :]

that’s all lol

[sorceress-in-the-stars]

Ok, so something weird happened

So last night I remember taking out my phone and setting my alarm for 6:30. Then I put my phone and AirPods under my pillow.

Ok, then this morning my mom was just like “Sophia, did you forget to set your alarm?” So I was just like “no, I distinctly remember setting it.” So I reached behind my pillow to show her my phone, but it wasn’t there. So then I looked on my bed, and it was an arm reach away from me.

So that’s weird I thought. So then I opened my alarm app, and I saw that my alarm was never set. So that’s also weird.

So then I asked everyone in my family if they moved my phone while I was still sleeping. They all said no. My mom thought I had just fallen asleep fooling around in my phone, but I don’t ever do that.

I am thoroughly convinced that I was sleepwalking and unset my own alarm. (Either that or a ghost).

[doctorofmagic]

Strange Academy #9 Review

It’s bonding time with two of the sweetest characters in this comic book!

We get started with Calvin’s nightmare with one of the many foster parents he had throughout the years. I don’t believe he has done it, but there’s something about his jacket. Hold that thought, more on that later.

Wanda and her terrible outfit wakes him up and says that Mr. Sheridan will cover the matter about dreams in Nocturnal Architecture: The Study of Dreams during the second semester. For those you who don’t know, she’s talking about Rick Sheridan, the Sleepwalker’s vessel. At this point, I’m not that excited about mentions because, as we know, Rintrah was also mentioned but never made an appearance. On the other hand, Dead Girl showed up last issue. We’ll have to wait and see. In case you’re interested, Stephen has met the dream entity once in Sleepwalker #7 (1991). Next, Wanda reveals that it’s Family Day at Strange Academy.

Both Calvin and Doyle are quite uncomfortable with the event. Calvin had issues with foster parents while Doyle is, well, Dormammu’s son. They’re not getting any parents or guardians. I can’t help but feel that Clea should be there, except freaking Waid erased her memories so she isn’t aware of Stephen or his little school. Clea would make such a lovely cousin. YOU TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME, WAID. When will this nightmare end? I mean, at some point, Dormammu will knock on her rebel door and mention him, right? And she’s gonna be like: “Who?” But I digress, I’m sorry.

Next, we’re introduced to some of the parents/guardians. Emily’s mom is... something. I found her rivalry with Loki absolutely delightful. I checked “Gudrun” on Marvel database and found out she was Volstagg’s daughter? That would make Volstagg Iric and Alvi’s grandfather. So Loki wouldn’t be their original uncle. It was just a pet name. But hey, I’m not into Thor lore, so if anyone knows what’s going on here, I’d appreciate a little help.

BUT WAIT. Did I get it right? Does Zoe have a crush on Dessy? OTP CONFIRMED. Absolutely loved their relationship development. Zoe used to find Dessy a creep, keeping her zombie secret to herself, but Dessy showed her that it’s okay and learned a lot about human emotions and boundaries. It’s quite sweet. Magic lesbians!! And speaking of which... Lucky S’ym Illyana wasn’t around. She’d kick his ass for sure.

I have no reasons whatsoever to mention Stephen but I will because this is my blog and it’s devoted to Stephen. So yes, have a random panel with Stephen because I can. I love the fact that he spent the entire issue levitating like a diva he is. Delicious food.

Meanwhile, Calvin and Doyle decide to break into the storage room. Doyle is looking for a gift for Emily, which is SO sweet ugh even though it’s called the Rose of Despair, which is probably bad news. I love how they talk about vulnerability and how it’s such a normal thing, especially for male characters. Boys out there, do talk more about your feelings. It’s really important and only makes you even more beautiful. Also... He got all flustered again!!! He’s so sweet!!! And oh, is he in love!!

Calvin accidently activates the Lightning Gauntlets, hitting Doyle. He’s okay but they’re interrupted by Mindless Ones. We finally learn why Doyle is uneasy near them. He feels bad for what Dormammu did to them, and they can’t help but see Dormammu when Doyle is around, triggering memories and traumas even for mindless beings. It’s the very first time I’ve read about the traumatic experiences behind those creatures, which is great! It explains why they’re made out of pure anger and even Dormammu is afraid of them. I also loved to learn that Doyle is not like his father. He probably wants to change the Dark Dimension when his time to rule comes (that is, assuming Dormammu will let him, which I find hard to believe).

Doyle is overwhelmed by them, so Calvin unleashes the power of the monster in his jacket. For a moment, he loses control, but Doyle brings him back. And that’s a very interesting point.

I apologize in advance, I don’t know if someone told me this or I wrote it before, it’s been a very long time (and for that reason, please let me know in order to give due credits). But there’s this theory that Calvin’s monster is actually Mr. Misery, which makes SO MUCH sense. Remember when Mr. Misery embraced Stephen before his final fight with Empirikul? And when he possessed Wong? What was the difference? I’d say there are two important points. 1) it depends on the user and their willpower to resist Mr. Misery and 2) Mr. Misery’s size.

Let’s say, the more the pain, the bigger and stronger he gets. And he was reduced to a small portion at the end of v4.

Besides, Calvin’s jacket has eyes and it’s quite gooey. It’s very similar to Mr. Misery. Not to mention how he can get a hold of its user.

I can’t help but wonder if Calvin’s jacket is actually Mr. Misery hiding its true form in order to grow stronger through Calvin’s pain. Remember, he never had good parents, is victim of bullying and is usually alone. That kid knows pain. And that makes him the perfect victim for Mr. Misery. Thoughts on it, anyone?

Moving on... Doyle and Calvin share a bonding time, which is precious.

But they’re not free from the cheesy games!!

Emily’s mother beat a god and she’s lousy about it. Emily introduces them to her family and boi, is it mutual or what? She’s blushing too. I’m sorry but that’s another OTP.

Lastly, Stephen shows the campus to the parents while the kids are racing again. It says “to be continued”, which means the parents will stay a little longer, I suppose.

Overall, I loved their interactions and how young and fresh the children are, figuring out their feelings and fears. I’m so relieved Doyle is back. But they’re still doing dangerous things like sneaking without supervision. They should’ve learned from the last issue.

Well. It was not bad. I enjoyed it, even though the story didn’t move forward. A nice reading.

[kessielrg]

[DA+KH] It Will Get Better

Summary: An experimental fic for @chibi-mushroom‘s Dragon Age AU for the Kingdom Hearts series. Exploring a HumorousHawke!Xion, sedatephobia, mild trauma, bunny children infiltration, and hope. Mild spoilers for after Act 2 of Dragon Age 2. I want to apologize now for how easily startled Xion is, it’s not intentional. ^^;

Rating: K+

Word Count: 2,978 words

If you liked this story, please reblog!

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The estate was just too quiet. Of course, anything would seem quiet after the Qunari uprising. A few months after, and life at Kirkwall was back to its usual chaos. And yet, Xion found herself staying at home away from the business of the city. Even more so, it gave her time to think about a lot of things.

The Qun. Her mother. Her siblings. The Fifth Blight. Events and experiences that have passed but still insisted on festering in the darkest part of her mind. Was it all her fault? Did she make any good choices in the past five years?

Silence made it worse. Silence made Xion want to hide in a corner, cover her ears, and scream ‘you can’t find me’ like when she was a child. She couldn’t keep doing this. Today she’d go for a walk. Not a long one, but long enough to redirect her thoughts. At first, just getting out of the house had been the harder part. After that, she just followed her feet. Her mind was numb to her surroundings as she walked. It wasn’t until she reached the edge of Kirkwall  -to where the walls surrounding met the outside leading into the Free Marches- that she stopped.

Run.

Run as fast as you can and never turn back.

Xion shook her head. No, there were still things in Kirkwall that needed to be sorted out. She was the city’s champion, after all. She had to stay. If not for the city, then for what family she did have left. Her uncle was debatable, but Cloud? Cloud was… safe. Safer where he was than in being here with her.

But she didn’t want to stay. She wanted to get away from this draining city before it ate her up alive. No, she'd rather die than stay to help the people here. They didn’t need her. Knight-Commander Sephiroth was doing a decent job at keeping peace. Kirkwall didn’t need a champion. It did not need her. If anything, things would probably be a lot more peaceful if she just-!

The sound of a small squeak caught her attention. Blinking (and quickly wiping away a tear from the corner of her eye), Xion looked around for the source of the squeak. She looked down to give a jolt of bewilderment. There, almost at her feet, was a small blue rabbit. The blue creature looked back up at her with wide, almost completely black eyes. Despite its odd appearance (and Xion’s own questioning if it was mortal or not), it didn’t seem to be much of a foe. It just looked at her with its big eyes and wide smile. Nothing else of real note beyond that, really. When it finally decided to bound away from her, Xion jumped back in surprise.

“Wait!” she found herself saying, “Where are you going?”

The blue rabbit paused for a moment before turning back to her. It titled its head from side to side in thought. A grin came across its features again as it waved for her to follow it.

“You’re not serious.”

She was given another grin before the creature started back on its original path again. Xion could feel the hairs on her arm stand up. Something about this wasn’t right -she’d seen too much in Kirkwall for it to be anything but- and yet…

“Nothing ventured, nothing gained.” she mumbled to herself before finally taking the steps outside Kirkwall’s walls.

That little bunny had been very sure that Xion would follow it. It would go a certain distance before pausing, looking back at her (sometimes even jumping to make sure she knew where it was), then starting back on its trail again. Something about this little game felt surreal; like a part of her was just sleepwalking and she was actually back at home, and still in bed.

She didn’t stop following that bunny, though.

The two of them travelled further and further away from Kirkwall. The imposing walls around it fading from view as they went on. They did keep to the established roads, though, so that was worth some amount of hope to work off of. Eventually, they started to see a caravan along the roadside. Seeing it made the little bunny hop faster- Xion was still too numb in her senses to match its speed. Outside of the caravan were more of the blue bunny children; three were playing some card game where one bunny was being absolutely smug about winning, another two were trying to feed the caravan’s horse a carrot, and one other was with a human young man. It was in noticing the young man that Xion paused.

He didn’t look much older than Cloud- maybe a year younger, but not by much. His clothes made her think he was a lesser noble that ran away from home, with his cleaned black jacket, vest, and pants. Not a wrinkle to be seen. Something about him seemed faintly familiar, as if Xion had seen him around Kirkwall, but not for long periods of time. Was it the hat? It certainly was a style all its own, featuring a long white and red feather for accent. The brim was long enough in the front to hide his upper face when needed, and at the moment it was hard to tell just what kind of face he was making as the bunny child vied for his attention.

The bunny child that had been guiding Xion let out a very loud shout of “I’m ba-ack!” that nearly scared Xion out of her wits. The noise also brought about the attention of the young man. He adjusted his hat a bit before giving a wide grin.

“About time.” he replied. “Did you find Sabi or not?”

The blue bunny just let out a happy squeal before continuing to the young man’s side. Xion had started to come forward again, her feet guiding her to be within arm’s distance of the young man. The two looked each other over- the feeling that Xion had seen this young man before was even more prominent than before.

“Well, you’re not my baby sister.” the young man noted, tilting his hat up a bit to get a better look at Xion. To the bunny child, he got down to about its height before saying, “And did you forget what Sabi looked like? Our sis has brown eyes, not blue ones.”

The bunny child looked back up at him, crossing its arms and giving him a stink eye.

“You are a bit too short to notice that, huh?” the young man then mused before ruffling the top of the bunny’s head. “Don’t worry, I still got a treat for you. It’s in the back of the caravan.”

The small creature gave a sound similar to an ecstatic squeal before heading toward the aforementioned caravan. This just left the two humans to themselves -for the most part- and the silence was starting to weigh on Xion again. If it wasn’t for the sounds of the bunny kids in the card game apparently picking a fight, Xion would have backed away from this odd caravan and straight back to Kirkwall. But did she really want to make that walk back up alone?

“Are you looking for someone?” Xion finally asked, if only to distract her own thoughts. “I could help if you really needed it.”

“Nah.” the young man said with a wave of his hand. “If Junior can’t find Sabi, then Sabi doesn’t want to be found right now. She’ll show up in her own time. Always does.”

“And Sabi is…?”

“My baby sis, of course. Don’t worry- she’s human too.”

A moment of confusion hit Xion, but then it rolled over into good humor.

“Oh good,” she mused, “For a moment I thought she was a Behemoth.”

“With that tenacity of hers, it wouldn’t surprise me if she was part darkspawn.” the young man cheerily replied, tipping his hat toward her in goodwill. “But that’s younger siblings for you; get in all the trouble and think us older kids are gonna bail them out. Not that my sister needs the help, truly. But it’s nice to always be there. You know?”

“I wouldn’t know anything about that.” Xion told him with a smirk. “I was the youngest in my family.”

“Pardon if I’ve offended you, then.” the young man replied. “But you know it’s true. I’m sure your older siblings are down right jealous of how often you get away with things.”

Despite herself, Xion let out a small chuckle. “That’s what my brother would say.” she agreed. “Our father was a mage, and my brother was the only one of us siblings that wasn’t, so he didn’t get to spend much time with him.”

After saying this, Xion froze. Maker, being Kirkwall’s Champion or not, she had forgotten that there was a prejudice against mages. The young man didn’t seem to notice her bluff, or even indicated he thought of it as one, instead giving her a light laugh.

“Now I’m jealous.” he said. “Our old man left sometime after my fifth birthday. He probably never even knew my sister existed.”

Still recoiling from her mistake, and realizing that she had not been listening to him, the news gave Xion a small jolt. She fumbled over her words as she mumbled, “Must have been hard for her. Your sister, that is. There are still days when I wish I could have my father by my side.”

And the rest of my family. It’s too quiet. Too lonely. Too… too…

“Mom was sweet on her.” the young man said, taking Xion out of her thoughts for a moment. “Definitely had a solid reason why she gave her a name meaning ‘princess,’ that’s for sure.” But then a frown appeared on his face. “I think she gave her too much affection, actually. Sabrina doesn’t realize that the version of our mom she saw wasn’t the whole thing. She wouldn’t listen even if I did tell her.”

“Why can’t she see it in your mother herself?” Xion wondered, thinking back to her own father and the times he did something slightly worrying her mother didn’t approve of when she found out about it.

The young man’s expression only darkened. “Mom died when Sabrina was 11, and I was 16. How old were you when you started to question the image you had of your parents?”

Admittedly, it took her a moment to consider it.

“It was probably when my sister’s magic started to manifest,” she carefully decided. “We moved to Lothering to protect (or, I guess more accurately, hide) her. I must have been…?” That was when a realization hit her, and she looked back up at the young man in mild surprise. “I wouldn’t have been much older than Sabrina. Maybe even younger.”

“Exactly.” he affirmed. He let out a long, conflicted sigh before giving a small shake of his head. “But where have my manners gone? We’re talking about family, and we don’t even know each other’s names yet.”

The young man adjusted his hat once more, pushed up his sleeves a bit, then held his hand out to her. “The name is Brain, madam.”

For a moment, Xion just blinked. Her thoughts went on pause from this young man’s change of topic.

“Xion.” she carefully agreed. “Xion Hawke.”

“So that’s why you’re familiar.”

“Huh?”

“I’ve seen you in Kirkwall.” he explained, as simple as day. “I used to operate a pop up store in Lowtown, then moved out to the Gallows by request. Well, it wasn’t so much a request than it was to help out a little wallflower. Either way, I come around every now and again. Circuit around Orlais, Ferelden, and the Free Marches to get the word out.”

“I do recognize you, then!” Xion marveled, speaking more of a thought out loud than actually talking to him proper.

“Nice to know I’m recognizable.” Brain mused, tilting his hat toward her. For a split second, he looked like he was going to say something more, but decided against it. Instead, he gave her a soft smile. “Things have gotten a lot better for us since then. Since Mom died, anyway.”

Returning the conversation back to the original topic made Xion’s heart stop for a moment. “They have?” she carefully asked despite this.

Brain gave her a confident nod.

“Sabi won’t admit it, but they have. Months after our mother died, we were adopted by an Orlesian merchant. He and his wife had been trying to have kids for years, but never could. (And it’s particularly hard to tell for how long they’ve been trying, since they’re one of those who are not quite human, but not quite animal. For some reason the Maker decided those folks could outlive us normals for at least a solid age or two.) So now I pay my dues helping him operate the most successful business this side of Thedas. Sabi also has her own little mission to repay the old rabbit. Although I must warn you- if you ever see a pretty girl with a rabbit mask on; run.”

“Noted.” Xion agreed with a little chuckle.

Brain gave a smile of his own before joining in the laughter. The sound echoed through Xion’s heart and filling her with a relief she didn’t know she needed until now.

After awhile, Brain collected himself to gently slide a finger across the brim of his hat.

“Things will get better for you too.” he then carefully told her, jolting Xion out of her joy. Not for the first time, the sudden shock feeling more like a slap to the face. It was rather concerning that this young man had that kind of power. “It might be something small- like buying yourself something nice, or meeting someone new. Maybe it’ll happen ten years from now. Who really knows? It’s hard, but it is possible to focus on the good coming, rather than the bad that’s already happened. It won’t be easy, but you seem the type to never back down.”

“Like your sister?” Xion asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

“A lot like my sister, actually.” he laughed in return. His sincere humor toward the topic was enough to send Xion in a light laughter as well. 

Not wanting the small joy to end, Xion let her laugh naturally die down before looking him over again. Brain only stopped laughing because a bunny child was biding for his attention. As he talked to them, Xion further studied the young man. You couldn’t tell it at first glance, but Brain did have a genuine worry for his little sister. He hid it well behind clever remarks and an unbridled confidence. She wondered for a moment if Cloud felt the same way about her. It didn’t cross Xion’s mind that she had been staring for too long until Brain brought his attention to her. He didn’t say anything, but he tipped his hat in goodwill.

“It’s getting late.” Brain noted, taking half a glance up at the sky before looking back at Xion. “Would you like an escort back to Kirkwall?”

Xion smirked. “It would be the smarter choice, wouldn’t it?”

Brain offered back a rather bemused chuckle. He then let out a shrill whistle. Not long after, a blue bunny child came out of the caravan and happily bounded over to them. The bunny kid nuzzled against Brain for a moment as he likewise gave them a pat on the head.

“Junior, do me a favor and take Xion back home.” he said with a smile. “It’s getting late.”

The bunny child looked up at him with a wide grin, nodded in agreement, then happily went to Xion. It happily bounded into her arms, looking up at her with an innocent gleam in its eye. A thought came over Xion- one that she spoke out loud in mild bewilderment.

“That’s… not the same one from before.”

Brain raised an eyebrow in time with tilting his hat forward a bit. “Wow, I’m impressed. How’d you guess?”

“A hunch.” Xion carefully admitted. A comment from before came back to Xion in that moment. Brain had mentioned that his adoptive caretaker was a rabbit, right? And these blue bunnies were likely from him, right? She felt a bit dumb in just now asking the question. “Didn’t you say that your adoptive parents were not able to have children of their own?”

A rather mischievous glint flickered in Brain’s eye for a moment. “That’s still correct.”

“So how’d this little fella come along?”

Brain smirked. “Their luck changed, just like yours will.”

For a moment, Xion didn’t know what to think about that. She idly looked back down at the bunny child. It looked up at her with a wide eyed curiousness that only children knew how to pull off. The raw innocence of the creature almost made her recoil. At the same time, something in her clicked.

There was still hope.

Xion hugged the bunny kid for a second before waving Brain goodbye. The walk back to Kirkwall wasn’t filled with heavy thoughts. If anything, she was almost skipping. Once she and the bunny child got back to Kirkwall’s gates, they waved good bye and Xion made the walk back to Hightown. She saw a lot of blue bunnies on the way there. Each time she saw one, she remembered what Brain told her. When Xion got home, quietly shut the door behind her, and started to make a cup of tea. She slept incredibly well that night. It felt nice.

After that day, Xion started to notice just how many blue bunnies hung around Kirkwall. Each time she would see them, she’d smile and remember Brain’s advice with clarity.

It will get better.

[archiveofprolbems]

On Space Art by Xin Liu & Xin Wang

Xin Liu, Orbit Weaver, 2017. Production still of artist's performance during a parabolic flight. Image courtesy of the artist. Photo by Steve Boxell.

During the prolonged lockdown that defined much of 2020, the Xinjiang-born, New York-based artist and engineer Xin Liu juggled multiple roles. These included participating in a volunteering network that supplied PPE to medical workers in dire need of protection against Covid-19; designing an indie game, Sleepwalk (2020), which reflected on the conditions of confinement and hyper-connectivity; engineering a series of hypnotic sound experiences with her partner Gershon Dublon titled The Wandering Mind (2020), which guides the dreams of a sleeping audience with source materials organized by an AI system; and live-streaming an ambient soundscape recorded on Whitehead Island, off the coast of Maine, for the Camden International Film Festival.1

As the Arts Curator at MIT Media Lab’s Space Exploration Initiative and an artist who makes work for exhibition spaces, film festivals, and astronautical conferences, Liu’s ongoing fascination with space as a medium and destination for new art has seen her send a wisdom tooth into outer space, cultivate potato seeds that had travelled to the International Space Station, and imagine weightlessness as an intimate, “body-opening” condition. In this interview, we spoke about the past lives and expansive futures of Space Art, her unique mixture of academic and identitarian backgrounds, and the creative strategies of innovation and resistance while working at the juncture of art and technology.

Xin Wang: You’ve recently been referred to as a “famous space artist” in a panel discussion poster, which suggests that this is a solidified genre.

Xin Liu: It is a genre! If you google “Space Art,” there’s a Wikipedia page that defines it, though it’s very much about visual artists depicting the vision of space exploration, like images of Martian colonies, weightlessness, spaceships, etc. It was also called Astronomical Art, with notable artists such as Chesley Bonestell. These artists really tried to define the aesthetics of space, which even changed the way we would later color actual scientific images captured through different telescopes. Even now, if you look at NASA’s art programs, that’s still basically the main concept. Slowly it diverged into art in space, or art that uses space and environmental textures for creation, experimentation, and storytelling.

For me, Space Art conceptually connects more to Land Art in the seventies; the questions they were asking—regarding spatial-temporal dimensions and the way we engage with geological transformation—are more related. However, there is this jump in the Space Art medium from astronomical paintings right away to “art in space.” It is a gap in our understanding of Space Art; in my position as the Space Art curator at MIT, I have made sure to take into account Land Art, science fiction, and so on, in lectures.

XW: What questions do you want to ask with your Space Art?

XL: First of all, the duality in our perception of the world: being a human being walking, eating, sleeping, drinking, and laughing on this planet; and on the other hand, knowing that we exist on a gigantic rock spinning around another hot rock in endless space. The epistemological jump is exciting but also problematic when we distance one from the other. People talk about science versus culture as if they are the polar opposites. I’m trying to reconcile the two views of the world and find places to live in-between. My other interest has more to do with the body, our sensations, our death, and the cycles of life and materials.

XW: Your works have always struck me as poetic—you sent one of your wisdom teeth into space in Living Distance (2019), which was inspired by childhood folktales and executed with robust engineering. But the whole debate around the idea that culture and science are antithetical has a long history. Susan Sontag wrote about it in the sixties, for example; what are you seeing in terms of new manifestations of, and challenges to, that tension?

XL: The philosopher Yuk Hui has proposed the concept of cosmotechnics, which argues that science and technology aren’t objective but are born of human cultures. One of my current projects, Unearthing Futures, is a collaboration with the Peruvian artist Lucia Monge, the International Potato Center in Lima, and the International Space Station (ISS).2 We are interested in potato history as human history; native to Peru, the potato’s journey becoming one of the most widely grown crops in the world mirrors colonial history. As we set foot and grow crops beyond the earth bond, one option here is to engineer the perfect potato that survives all conditions, while the other is to trust the possibilities of biodiversity, where a consortium of diverse species that are mutually dependent yields a higher chance of survival in extreme environments. Both are questions of science and technology, but at the same time they reflect philosophies—ones about how we survive.

We selected six varieties of native Peruvian potatoes with different characteristics, sent the potato seeds to the ISS to spend a month in microgravity, and exposed them to environment stressors such as radiation. The project has not grown potatoes in space, but it’s a significant step to understanding how environmental stressors affect thesis seeds. Having harvested the first generation in our respective studios, we plan to grow multiple generations and increase the numbers that we can process. Maybe in the fourth or fifth generation we can cook them and use them in workshops that involve the general public (we are working with public elementary schools in Portland) to think about the possibilities of food and agriculture in space exploration. Space potatoes are the protagonists in our stories and would facilitate these dialogues.

XW: When we were reviewing proposals for Sojourner 2020, an open call for artworks to be sent into low earth orbit by the MIT Media Lab Space Exploration Initiative, there were equally visible tendencies to flatten the crossover between art and technology into very gimmicky projects. In your position as both curator and artist working in this increasingly hyped juncture of art and tech, what are some of your goals and challenges?

XL: With the dropping costs of space launches and privatization, we are entering the New Space Age. Space Art is truly at the frontier now (no pun intended). There are many amazing art practitioners I’ve been able to invite to MIT and imagine together what this practice can be. The artist Agnes Meyer-Brandis, for example, created The Moon Goose Colony, where she trained geese on planetary science and different flight patterns to prepare them for the Moon.3 She even incubated and hatched the eggs herself. In 42-The Large Meteor T-R-A-P (2014), she uses electronic magnetic devices to guide the movement of meteorites, which can be viewed as a planetary defense system. In fact, the first planetary defense systems launched by NASA (the Double Asteroid Redirection Test) this past year also had to do with devices latching onto the meteorites to change their course of movement. I really like projects that are ambitious, beautifully executed, and which explore scientific possibilities as well as artistic ones. Unapologetically inserting yourself into other domains is also something I’m passionate about.

XW: What are some examples of such insertions?

XL: I recently had a conversation with the researcher Weng Jia, who looked into the detailed history of weather satellites beyond the pragmatics of weather forecast—itself a form of weather control that generates state power. It’s important to understand that history, but at the same time we can ask, as cultural producers, what now? We can either involve public engagement and sign petitions to request open access, or we can learn from the hackers—there are so many amateur enthusiasts who eavesdrop on state-owned radio signals, and through listening we are able to understand so much already. During the pandemic, my partner Gershon Dublon and I have tinkered with software-defined radio. Using just a tiny, 20-dollar USB dongle with an antenna we built from our clothing wires, we could receive the signals from retired National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) weather satellites as they pass through the sky.

Even before the pandemic, my partner was looking into personal monitoring of air traffic, as most aircrafts have to broadcast their locations after reaching 18,000 ft. This was a fun plane-tracking activity at home. But later on we were put in touch with the Standing Rock Sioux tribe, who were protesting the Dakota Access Pipeline encroaching their territories. They were being illegally harassed and even sprayed with unknown chemicals by aircraft flying over their encampment, but couldn’t track the perpetrators. We helped them set up the aforementioned system using a computer, a 20-dollar dongle, and electrical metal wires, with which they were actually able to “see,” ID, and track the aircraft. Using that data and US Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) requests, the water protectors were able to pursue their harassers and hold them accountable. Is it art practice? I think it’s important and exciting to examine the “wall”; there’s no wall that’s perfect—there are always cracks. You can find things between the breaks and slowly percolate, and, in a way, take back those powers—I found those processes most exciting.

XW: I think this is a powerful approach that counters the general pessimism towards big tech, technocratic states, and surveillance to the point that people don’t even want to think about the possibilities of cracks.

XL: But that’s a facade, and I don’t know who marvelously crafted it. A lot of these things, such as the radio, are not so complicated. Given a week and the internet, most people can figure it out; it’s not rocket science. You know who is most interested in amateur radio nowadays? The fifty-plus generation, sometimes grandpas. There is a big community in Staten Island in New York. However, in the arts, these systems and disciplines are rendered unfathomable, which prohibits further investigation. That’s the problem.

XW: When you were speaking about “the cracks in the wall” earlier, I had a very dark thought—in the future, planetary warfare will look drastically different and be much more deadly than the wars currently taking place on Earth.

XL: Future wars may not be quite so physical as we imagine—the virus is a powerful model for what could happen. It shows how fragile and resilient humans are; cyberattack, trade wars, geoengineering manipulation of nature—these are all struggles on different planetary scales, and we have to constantly self-educate as citizens and decode what the decision makers are actually saying.

XW: You received your undergraduate training at Tsinghua University, which is known for its rigorous focus on scientific training and as a place that has groomed many of China’s top technocratic leaders. It’s also considered the Chinese counterpart of MIT, where you completed a graduate program. How do those experiences compare and inform your trajectory?

XL: When I was in Tsinghua, I studied mathematics, physics, and mechanical engineering; my degree was in precision instruments. Nowadays I still practice them in my sculpture in its manufacturing and fabricating processes. It’s a craft. I later went to Rhode Island School of Design (RISD), not because I wanted to be an artist, but out of a sad realization. In China, we separated art and science education since high school, and my liberal arts education was limited.

It was a selfish desire to study fine arts after college just to become a “complete” human being. I am very grateful that my parents didn’t disapprove this decision. At the time I told myself that I’d probably still end up working for Google and Microsoft; I had interned at both places during graduate school, thinking that’s how I would make a living eventually. But those two years were transformative and gave me an absolutely new way of looking at the world. Even graduating with an MFA from RISD, I still couldn’t commit a hundred percent to being a professional artist, as it is really difficult financially. I’m a practical immigrant. I had to figure out a way to stay in the country and feed myself. Then I went to MIT, because it was fully funded and I had the luxury to do research; after another two years in school, I decided that I wanted to work freely, and “artist” is the title that offers the most freedom.

XW: Do you still believe that?

XL: I do. If you tell people you are an artist, whatever you do doesn’t surprise them as much. It’s harder to talk about sending a tooth to space as a physicist.

XW: I’m struck by the way you describe gravity as a “momentum of feelings” on your website.

XL: That’s something I was thinking about when I first experienced weightlessness in 2017, during a parabolic flight. The plane literally free-falls in the sky, and in reference to the cabin, everything inside the plane is weightless. I had a bit of a performance background in dance. The experience was shocking: there was no “free from gravity”—gravity is always there. It was just everything falling together. The experience was less about me floating or flying than about the ground beneath me dropping. It’s not liberating in the way that you are accelerating and going up, which is what we associate with space exploration probably, but rather a kind of letting-go and descending. It was an eye-opening—body-opening—experience for me, and a bitter-sweet moment as well.

XW: Speaking of bodies and embodiment, do you find this excessive attention to—often performances of—an artist’s identity shows up more or less or differently for you, given the curious juncture of disciplines and identities you inhabit?

XL: It depends on who is seeing me. The tech aspect of me can seem alarming to people who are used to traditional practices, and in the so-called media/tech/science art world, gender might manifest more. The audience decides who I am. My name reads as gender-neutral in both English and Chinese. Sometimes people assume I’m a man initially, because I’m working with technology; but a bit more engagement with the work might compel one to realize that I could be a woman, because of the way I deal with technology. Still deeper into it, you might realize I’m Asian.

Another interesting aspect comes from the fact that I don’t just participate in art events; I also present my works at the International Astronautical Congress (IAC), where it’s just pleasing to see my portrait—that of a young Asian woman—next to attendees that are largely from different demographics. And I enjoy that—inserting myself in different systems. It’s not just gender, but also geographic. I am an outlier in many ways—I went to a military-affiliated high school, so the instinct to fit in was strong growing up. But here, as people of color and women, we naturally stand out and have more identities. It could be tiring but it’s also our power—meaning that we can potentially empathize with more people. People like you and me—when we talk about America in a positive light in China or criticize the Chinese government, we are perceived as brainwashed by Western liberalism; but when we talk about Chinese companies like WeChat positively here, or the effective Covid-19 responses and technological innovations in China, we’d be considered brainwashed in the other direction too.

XW: I always feel that exposure to different systems of brainwash leads to utmost clarity. What do you think the future of space art will be, or what you hope it could be like?

XL: I think it will mature like digital art, bio art, internet art, AR/VR art—all these sub-domains. I read extensively on space policies, which obviously figure prominently on many nation states’ agendas. At the IAC conference in 2020, eight national space agencies just signed the Artemis Accords, which is an international agreement on the principles for corporations and civil explorations for the moon, Mars, comets, and asteroids. Particularly notable is the encouragement and protection for private entities to participate in the future of space exploration, and its effect on commercial activities will be significant; even the ISS is going through a commercialization process already. Space will become more commercial and privatized; it will engender more conversations and force us to be involved and investigate the industry.

XW: What’s your favorite Space Art piece?

XL: I was struck by Ilya Kabakov’s The Man Who Flew Into Space From His Apartment (1985) when I first knew about it. I have been (and am still) confined in my apartment due to the pandemic. It is the absolute desire to break the ceiling and get out. Though both are heading towards outer space, the Soviet campaign in space exploration and a personal desire to leave, to be free, cannot be more different. In fact, one is defeating the other.

_____________________

Xin Liu (b. 1991, Xinjiang/China) is an artist and engineer. She is the Arts Curator in the Space Exploration Initiative in MIT Media Lab, a member of New INC in New Museum, and a studio resident in Queens Museum. She is also an artist-in-residence in SETI Institute and the recipient of numerous awards and residencies.

Xin Wang is a curator and art historian based in New York. She is currently planning an exhibition that explores Asian Futurisms for The Museum of Chinese in America, New York. While pursuing her PhD in art history at the Institute of Fine Arts, New York University, she’s also been conducting a series of public zoom webinars on topics of technology, new media, and Asian American perspectives for the Whitney Museum of American Art since spring 2020.

Source: https://www.art-agenda.com/features/372727/on-space-art

[andersunmenschlich]

Episode 2: Do Not Open

Oh, we're just charging right into the statement this time. Cool. I suppose we did get the setup, uh, set up in the first episode, so nothing more's needed. Onward to a whole ton of horror stories!

I wonder how they'll connect or overlap? ...I might be assuming too much, but being as they're all set in the same universe....

All right, so this one's about a man named Joshua Gillespie.

It's from 1998? Huh. Going back in time a bit, aren't we? I was only nine in 1998, and I was twenty-two when the last statement was given, so.... These archives really are out of order, aren't they. I wonder how he's picking them?

Okay, so Joshua's in his early twenties and he's taking a weeks-long vacation with some friends. In... Holland? I didn't know that was a vacation destination.

But then what do I know about vacation destinations? I can't go above ground while the sun's up, so I never really go anywhere, do I—and frankly I don't really want to. I like being underground, in the dark, surrounded by books, and I don't like being rushed around here and there and everywhere anyway, which seems to be par for the course for away-from-home-vacations so far as I can tell.

This Joshua certainly seems to have done a lot of rushing around here and there. "There were very few points where I'd say that I was entirely sober and even fewer where I acted like it"? Sounds exhausting.

Anyway, he wakes up earlier than his friends one day and leaves them to sleep off their hangovers while he goes to look at buildings.

Apparently Joshua Gillespie is an aspiring architect.

He's wandering around Amsterdam, and he can't speak Dutch, and he gets so lost that he only makes it back to familiar ground after it's started to get dark, at which point he decides to pop into a cafe for some reason. Oh, and apparently he's on drugs.

I predict that Mr. Sims will discount everything Joshua says just on the basis of that.

Well, I would.

Oho, and a strange man turns up at Joshua's cafe table!

From the description, he sounds Unremarkable. With a capital U, because he's just so Ordinary that there's nothing about him to notice, really. And apparently Joshua didn't notice him walking in or sitting down or anything like that, so he's clearly very Unnoticeable.

Mr. Unremarkable calls himself "John." That's interesting. What do you want to bet his last name's "Smith"?

Ooh, and he wants Joshua to look after a package for him. And he pays him a ton of money! Up front! That doesn't seem particularly wise, Mr. Probably-Smith!

...And then he just walks off?

I'm lost. Where's the package, then?

Looks like he just vanishes. Joshua's got all this money for looking after a package, but he hasn't actually got any package to look after. That's very odd. Can't say it's the way I'd do it, if I wanted someone to look after a package for me. I'd say Mr. Unremarkable has something else in mind, but the statement was introduced as being about "an apparently empty wooden casket," so....

O..kay. So Joshua just hangs onto the money for a whole year without spending any of it.

He must be a weirdly rich student.

But then again, what do I know about money? I make just enough for rent every month (most months, anyway), and get my food from people who, for some reason or other, seem to want me to not die. Which is nice of them, I suppose, but a bit baffling.

Anyway, Joshua Gillespie finally spends John Probably-Smith's money on a nice apartment, and a week later the package finally turns up.

The delivery men don't sound normal. "Weren't wearing any uniforms"? "Well over six feet tall"? At least they're very task-oriented: confirm you're delivering to the right address, make the delivery, leave. No wasted time chatting or answering questions or making friends or anything, which strikes me as exactly what one wants in mail delivery—competence and efficiency! In and out, no hanging about. I think I like these two just fine, whatever they are.

So it's a huge cardboard box, and when Joshua cuts it open there's a coffin inside. And the coffin is sealed with a chain and a padlock.

Okay, if you're not thinking "vampire" at this point I don't know what stories you've been reading, watching, or listening to, because clearly you've missed all the ones I grew up with. This is just so amazingly obviously vampiric that—well, I don't know. Is this that kind of show? I suppose it might be....

Ah, and carved into the wood of the coffin are the words "Do Not Open."

There's the title-drop, then.

Joshua doesn't know what's up, but fortunately there's a note from "J" who is almost definitely John Probably-Smith from Amsterdam, which jogs his memory.

He's weirdly affected by the coffin. He calls in sick to work, for Pete's sake. That seems like a really strange thing to do! Suppose someone paid me a great deal of money to look after a package, and then one day a package showed up—well, all right, then. All's well. Right?

Oh, and the coffin is warm. That's....

Gotta say, I'd probably spend a lot of time around it. I like warmth. My average body temperature is a couple degrees below what's normal for humans, so I like hanging out around warm things.

That probably wouldn't be healthy in this case, though, would it?

Joshua is obviously nothing like me. He's so freaked out by the oddly warm coffin in his new apartment that he's got to go make himself some tea to calm down, and then when he's sufficiently calm he goes and drags the coffin into his living room and pushes it up against a wall. Oh, and he pulls the key out of the padlock (yup, the padlock came with a key, very tidy) and just leaves it on a table by the front door, which strikes me as untidy.

The chains around the coffin aren't warm. That's interesting.

And it takes him a full week to get comfortable enough with the idea of a coffin in his living room for him to start using the living room again!

Joshua Gillespie is a wuss.

...Then he puts a glass of orange juice on top of it. Why would you do that? It's warm, clearly it's going to make your juice all warm and gross, don't use a spookily heated coffin as a cupholder for a cold drink, that's idiotic.

Also, it's wood. Use a coaster, you oaf.

Apparently the coffin also objects to his lack of consideration—or maybe it's just interested in the orange juice, who knows.

Anyway, it seems like something inside is scratching on the underside of the lid. He picks up his cup and the scratching stops. He puts it back down and it starts again (after four seconds). He picks his cup up again and the scratching goes on for another five minutes, which is... a lot longer than the immediate stopping it did last time, you know?

So he decides to leave it alone, which is probably the sanest choice to make under the circumstances. Frankly I think I'd probably do the same thing, although the temptation to run more experiments would be really strong. Opening it, though? Nooo, I don't think that idea would even occur to me. I mean, it's not my package to open, is it?

Oh hey, it's the kind of coffin that moans when it rains. That's interesting.

Also interesting is that Joshua Gillespie is apparently the kind of person who would usually have people over.

I mean that he's the type of person who'll actually let other people into the place where he lives. On purpose! He doesn't say so straight out, but it's heavily implied. Can you imagine? What sort of mentally unbalanced nutjob would do a thing like that?

All right: I admit I've done it a few times myself, but that was different. I only invited one person at a time, it was a one-time-only thing for each of them, and I was doing it in order to, you know, observe humanity close up under controlled circumstances—not to make friends or encourage visits or anything like that! It isn't as though I actually wanted them in my home the way Joshua apparently does, that was just the best way of getting the information I wanted.

Joshua Gillespie kind of freaks me out.

Returning to the story: it's raining so hard that it's turned dark outside (which is some of the best weather, I think), and Joshua's reading The Lost World.

I haven't read that book in a while. Despite all the books I own, I don't actually have a copy of that one (though I do own Jurassic Park), and the last time I read my dad's copy the last few pages were missing. Anyway, it's a good book and I approve Joshua Gillespie's taste in this case, weird social freak though he may be. Also his eyes are clearly terrible, because he has to get up and turn on a light in order to keep reading, which I've never had to do in that kind of weather.

The way he describes the moaning sounds really pleasant, actually. "Almost like singing, if it was muffled by twenty feet of hard-packed soil." Not only could I live with that, I think I'd be tempted to sit up against the cozy warm coffin and read with that and the rain for background.

Sounds nice.

This guy, of course, doesn't know how to appreciate what he's got. He doesn't just leave the room, no, he puts on music so he can't hear the coffin 'singing'!

Then he starts getting bad dreams. He doesn't remember them, but it sounds like he's dreaming about suffocating? When you wake up clutching at your throat and struggling to breathe... yeah, he's being choked or something. My first thought (because of the coffin) is "buried alive." I've never dreamed about that, but it doesn't strike me as fun.

Also he's sleepwalking, which is interesting.

So this coffin (or whatever's inside it) is getting inside his head? That seems really dangerous! What good are the chains doing? Can't we get some magical seals or something?

Looks like the coffin wants him to open it, because he keeps waking up with the key in his hand. I guess he can't just throw it out or anything—I mean, it's not his, so throwing it away would be... I dunno... wrong? And also it's untidy. The key clearly goes with the padlock, you can't just chuck the key, then they'd be unmatched and that's just not right.

What would I do in that situation? Hmm.

I suppose I might tape the key to my back. Getting it off would definitely wake me up, I think. And I'd probably also tape a plastic bag around the padlock.

Oh, he freezes it in a bowl of water! That's clever. I don't think I'd've thought of that.

A year and a half, he's got to hold on to this thing. That's a really long time. No wonder he got paid so much! I mean, I could do it no problem, but you've got to admit keeping something that big in your living space for that long is a bit of a bother. Especially when it keeps messing with your sleep.

And they come to pick it up on a rainy day... when it isn't moaning. That's odd. I wonder why it isn't moan-singing?

Oh, don't tell me they wanted someone who didn't know what it was to starve it.

That's it, isn't it? The vampire or whatever is dead now, so they've come for the body and they'll haul it away and... oh, and apparently they're surprised that Joshua is still alive. So maybe they were expecting him to feed it (unintentionally) and will be upset that it's dead?

It's all three of them: John Probably-Smith and the two efficient deliverymen. They don't seem too bothered, though....

Joshua breaks the bowl of ice, John gets the key, and Joshua doesn't follow them into the living room. Apparently he's not curious, which—well, frankly, I would be! Which might get me killed, since it looks like there was screaming and then John Probably-Smith didn't come back out of the living room.

So I guess whatever it was, it was hungry.

The deliverymen carry the coffin out, their van says "Breekon and Hope" on the side, and Joshua considers himself well out of the whole thing.

Sure enough, Mr. Sims pounced on the drug use. Haha, I thought he would! Also on the lack of witnesses, but honestly I think that's just normal, don't you? Who would normally have witnesses in their home? You don't, in general, have other people in your home! Though I suppose he could've talked to somebody online. There was internet when I was nine, you know. I used it.

Looks like Mr. Sims tells his assistants which written statements he's transferring to audio as a regular thing, because another one of them (Tim this time) did some research.

Breekon and Hope were a real courier service until 2009 (I was 20!) and then the business was liquidated—and apparently they didn't bother to keep records of their deliveries (or at least they didn't bother to keep them safe), which is very untidy and I disapprove.

So are those two deliverymen "Breekon" and "Hope," or are they just employed by "Breekon and Hope"?

Not that I s'pose it matters, really....

Wait, what? The apartment building Joshua lived in was totally vacant except for him? For the whole two years he lived there? That seems really improbable and I'm incredibly envious!

So in this story a man gets a vampire coffin, starves the vampire while it reaches into his mind and tries to draw him to it, then the bland fellow who gave it to him turns up to take it back and gets eaten by the vampire, whereupon the coffin-keepers just walk off with the thing and all is well.

...I guess?

I have so many questions.

This is really good! I'm really liking this podcast so far. It's definitely weird. Two episodes in and I've already noticed that the monsters aren't particularly good at luring people.

That's part of what makes me doubt that the 'vampire' is actually a vampire—vampires are good at luring people! Joshua would get alluring, sexy dreams tempting him to open the coffin, not nightmares, and the thing in the alley would not look like a corpse on a stick!

...At least, not at first. Not if these things were good at their jobs.

[twilightvolt]

My Favorite Anime OPs and EDs from 2010-2019

No one asked for this, but i’m doin’ it anyway cuz there’s so many songs out there that i’ve never heard anyone talk about. like, y’all sleep on Yu-Gi-Oh! apparently. lmao

Going by release year, here’s all the OPs and EDs i can remember that i luv (and still do to this day). i may or may not have gotten all the years right. hell, i’m not even sure i got the OP and ED numbers right.

It’ll go by: Song Name - Artist (Name of Anime and Which OP/ED it is) an asterisk means i REALLY like it above the rest.

Hopefully this’ll help introduce you to some new jams you missed out on! ^  ^

2010

Going My Way! ~Road to Tomorrow~ - Masaaki Endoh (Yu-Gi-Oh! 5Ds OP5)*

Close to You - ALvino (Yu-Gi-Oh! 5Ds ED4)

Future Colors - Plastic Tree (Yu-Gi-Oh! 5Ds ED5)

Gravity 0 - Aqua Timez (Star Driver OP)*

Never Give Up! - Sonar Pocket (Digimon Xros Wars OP)*

Period - Chemistry (Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood OP4)*

Rain - SID (Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood OP5)* THE. FEELS.

Uragiri no Yuuyake - THEATRE BROOK (Durarara!! OP)* Y’all remember this one? Lmao

Trust Me - Yuya Matsushita (Durarara!! ED)

Ice Cream Syndrome - Sukima Switch (Pokemon Zoroark: Master of Illusions ED)*

My Soul, Your Beats! - Lia (Angel Beats OP) WAIT HOLD ON, ANGEL BEATS WAS THIS DECADE? I THOUGHT THAT WAS 2009 OR SOMETHING. DAHEQ?

ChAngE - Miwa (BLEACH OP12)

Calling - FLOW (Heroman ED)*

SHIVER - the GazettE (Black Butler II OP)

2011

Samurai Heart (Some Like it Hot!) - SPYAIR (Gintama ED17)* And on this day I realized….SPYAIR is lit.

New World - Twill (Digimon Xros Wars OP2)

Masterpiece - Mihimaru GT (Yu-Gi-Oh! ZEXAL OP)

Boku Quest - Golden Bomber (Yu-Gi-Oh! ZEXAL ED)* I luv watching the actual ending sequence. It fits my cyber aesthetic to a T.

BRAVING! - KANAN (Yu-Gi-Oh! ZEXAL OP2)

Setsubou no Freesia (Longing Freesia) - Daizystripper (Yu-Gi-Oh! ZEXAL ED2)* I’ll be completely honest, this song has been my favorite anime theme over most, if not all others, ever since. It’s kinda held a special place in my heart as it’s got memories of what transpired during 2012 that i don’t think i’ll ever forget. From the summer trip we took down south to me creating my very first OCs, Takuya and his Charmander partner Drake, on paper, i’ll luv this song with all my heart. ^  ^

Lovers - 7!! (Seven Oops) (Naruto Shippuden OP)

Counter Identity - UNISON SQUARE GARDEN (Soul Eater Repeat Show OP)*

Ai Ga Hoshii Yo - Shion Tsuji (Soul Eater Repeat Show OP2)* WANTCHU WANTCHU, I WANT CHUU~

SHINING STAR - 9nine (Star Driver OP2)*

Crossover - 9nine (Star Driver ED2)

Sky's the Limit - Shihoko Hirata (Persona 4 the Animation OP)

We’re Not Alone - coldrain (Rainbow Nisha Rokubou no Shichinin OP)

One Reason - Fade (Deadman Wonderland OP) I can bet you right now half of y’all forgot about this show. I mean i did. Lol

Mayonaka no Orchestra - Aqua Timez (Naruto Shippuden ED16)

Hacking to the Gate - Kanako Itou (Steins;Gate OP)* THIS SONG CLEARED MY SKIN AND RAISED MY GRADES.

Ranbu no Melody - SID (BLEACH OP13)* That main chorus tho. N o i c e .

LISTEN TO THE STEREO!! - GOING UNDERGROUND (Katekyo Hitman Reborn OP8)*

Core Pride - UVERworld (Blue Exorcist OP)

2012

Mask - Aqua Timez (BLEACH ED30?)

Soul Drive - Color Bottle (Yu-Gi-Oh! ZEXAL OP3)*

Wild Child - Moumoon (Yu-Gi-Oh! ZEXAL ED3)* Whenever I hear this song, I either think of school shenanigans or, if school isn't a thing in their world, a high school AU. Lmao

Unbreakable Heart - Hideaki Takatori (Yu-Gi-Oh! ZEXAL OP4)

Artist - Vistlip (Yu-Gi-Oh! ZEXAL ED4)*

Stand By Me - Stereopony (Eureka Seven AO ED)* Ok I know some people don't wanna remember AO, but hear me out here. Lmao 

Brave Blue - FLOW (Eureka Seven AO OP2)*

Key Plus Words - Shihoko Hirata & Yumi Kawamura (Persona 4 the Animation OP2)

Harukaze - SCANDAL (BLEACH OP15)*

Crossing Field - LiSA (Sword Art Online OP) I like making SAO jokes as much as the next guy, but let's be real here. Crossing Field was still a pretty good song.

STAND UP! - Twill (Digimon Xros Wars Hunters OP)* Hunters sucked, but the OP slaps.

Kyomu Densen - ALI PROJECT (Another OP) This show gave me a temporary fear of umbrellas, but this OP is good.

Complication - ROOKiEZ is PUNK’D (Durarara!! OP2)

Light My Fire - KOTOKO (Shakugan no Shana III Final OP)

Mite Mite Kochichi - Memoiro Clover Z (Pokemon Best Wishes ED3)

2013

Dualism of Mirrors - Petite Milady (Yu-Gi-Oh! ZEXAL OP5)

GO WAY GO WAY - FoZZtone (Yu-Gi-Oh! ZEXAL ED5)

Challenge the GAME - REDMAN (Yu-Gi-Oh! ZEXAL ED6)* I swear to god, this should’ve been the final OP rather than Wonder Wings. I really don’t like that song.

Oh, and if you wanna hear more of the lead singer's voice, he's the lead singer of GIRUGAMESH. They didn't do any anime songs while they were still active afaik, but totally check it out if you like J-Rock.

Sakura Mitsutsuki & Genjyou Destruction - SPYAIR (Gintama OP13 and Gintama: The Final Chapter OP)*

After Cherry Blossoms (all quartets lead to the?) - UNISON SQUARE GARDEN (Yozakura Quartet: Hana no Uta OP)*

Non-Fiction Compass - UNISON SQUARE GARDEN (Yozakura Quartet: Tsuki ni Naku OP)

Sayonara Memory - 7!! (Seven Oops) (Naruto Shippuden ED)

BLOODY STREAM - Coda (Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure: Battle tendency OP)* I mean, how could i NOT put this song on here? Lmao

Be An Arrow! - Rica Matsumoto (Pokemon Best Wishes! OP2)

Natsumeku Sakamichi (Summerly Slope) - Daisuke (Pokemon Best Wishes DA! OP)* While the Black & White series was absolutely terrible, I can thank it for spawning some nice OPs.

Egao - Ikimono-gakari (Pokemon Genesect and the Legend Awakened ED)

Take Your Way - Livetune adding Fukase (From SEKAI NO OWARI) (Devil Survivor 2 the Animation OP)* I swear I will never get tired of this song.

Be - Song Riders (Devil Survivor 2 the Animation ED)*

Watashi no Bara wo Kaminasai - ALI PROJECT (Rozen Maiden 2013 OP)

Moshimo - Daisuke (Naruto Shippuden OP)

Burn My Dread ~Spring of Birth~ & More Than One Heart - Yumi Kawamura (Persona 3 the Movie #1 Spring of Birth OP and ED)*

Eden - Aqua Timez (Magi: the Kingdom of Magic ED)*

Out of Control - Nothing’s Carved in Stone (Psycho Pass OP2)*

HERO -Kibou no Uta- - FLOW (Dragon Ball Z: Battle of Gods ED)

2014

Silhouette - KANA BOON (Naruto Shippuden OP16)* Everyone rise for the weeb national anthem.

BelievexBelieve - Bulletrain (Yu-Gi-Oh! ARC-V OP)

ENAMEL - SID (Black Butler: Book of Circus OP)

Masayume Chasing - BoA (Fairy Tail OP15)

STRIKE BACK - BACK-ON (Fairy Tail OP16)*

Burn! - Bulletrain (Yu-Gi-Oh! ARC-V OP2)

DAYxDAY - BLUE ENCOUNT (Gintama OP)* Before Polaris, there was this. lol

Goya no Machiawase - Hello Sleepwalkers (Noragami OP)* I swear Noragami has great taste in OPs. lmao

Fate is in Our Hands - Lotus Juice (Persona 3 the Movie #2 Midsummer Knight's Dream OP)* Y'all know Lotus Juice makes EVERYTHING badass.

One Hand, One Heartbeat - Yumi Kawamura (Persona 3 the Movie #2 Midsummer Knight's Dream ED)* I swear I literally feel like crying every time I hear this song. It's just that powerful.

Unravel - TK from Ling Tosite Sigure (Tokyo Ghoul OP) Ok, lemme explain. I used to hate this song cuz I thought TK's singing voice was whiny as hell. But after a long, LOOOOONG time, it finally started to grow on me. I think it's because of all the song covers I've listened to and, after understanding the meaning behind the lyrics, I appreciate this song a bit more nowadays. 

V (VOLT) and MEGA V (MEGA VOLT) - Yusuke (Pokemon XY OPs 1&2)*

daze - Jin ft. MARiA from GARNiDELiA (Mekakucity Actors OP)

Monochrome - Dancing Dolls (Soul Eater NOT! OP)

2015

Saigo Made ii - Aqua Timez (Gintama ED15 i think?)

Kyouran Hey Kids! - THE ORAL CIGARETTES (Noragami Aragoto OP)* IN THIS HOUSE, WE JUST WANNA HOLD YOUR HAAAAAAND~

Getta Ban Ban (Mad-Paced Getter) - Tomohisa Sako (Pokemon XY OP3)*

XY&Z - Rica Matsumoto (Pokemon XY&Z OP)*

Raise Your Flag - MAN WITH A MISSION (Gundam Iron Blooded Orphans OP)*

Hello, World! - BUMP OF CHICKEN (Kekkai Sensen OP)*

Sugar Song and Bitter Step AKA the song everyone makes fan animated parodies of it’s opening sequence - UNISON SQUARE GARDEN (Kekkai Sensen ED)

Kirifuda (Trump Card) - Cinema Staff (Yu-Gi-Oh! ARC-V OP4)

Speaking - MRS. GREEN APPLE (Yu-Gi-Oh! ARC-V ED4)* before Great Escape from Attack on Titan and Inferno from Fire Force, there was this OP and ED. both of which i feel are better songs. lmao

Tweedia - Rei Yasuda (Pokemon Hoopa and the Clash of Ages ED)*

Diver - KANA-BOON (The Last: Naruto the Movie ED)*

Butter-Fly 2015 - Kouji Wada (Digimon Adventure Tri. OP)

Sono Chi no Kioku ~End of the World~ - JO☆STARS ~TOMMY, Coda, JIN~ (Jojo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders OP2)

Lapis Lazuli - Eir Aoi (Arslan Senki ED)*

Clattanoia - OxT (Overlord OP)*

L.L.L. - MYTH & ROID (Overlord ED)

Nazo 2015 - La PomPon (Detective Conan OP41)* Hearing this brought back memories of hearing the original during my childhood back when Cased Closed was still a thing.

Just Fly Away - EDGE of LIFE (Gundam Build Fighters Try OP2)

Flyers - BRADIO (Death Parade OP) Like Another, this was one of those where i wouldn’t have touched the show itself if my anime club didn’t watch it.

X.U. - Hiroyuki Sawano (Seraph of the End OP)*

Hikari - ViViD (Magi: the Kingdom of Magic OP2)

2016

DiVE!! - Amatsuki (Digimon Universe: Applimonsters OP)*

Ai - Ami Wajima (Digimon Universe: Applimonsters ED2)

The Day - Porno Graffitti (My Hero Academia OP)

HEROES - Brian the Sun (My Hero academia ED)

RAGE OF DUST - SPYAIR (Gundam Iron Blooded Orphans OP2)*

Believe in Myself - EDGE of LIFE (Fairy Tail OP21)*

CRAZY NOISY BIZARRE TOWN - THE DU (Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure: Diamond is Unbreakable OP)

Chase - batta (Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure: Diamond is Unbreakable OP2)* Screw the haters. This song is a bop.

Great Days - Karen Aoki & Daisuke Hasegawa (Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure: Diamond is Unbreakable OP3) As you can see, i luv all of Jojo Part 4’s OPs. lmao

Kaze no Uta - FLOW (Tales of Zestiria the X OP)* Zestiria may have been the most uninteresting experience i’ve had in the Tales series, but at least it’s OPs are straight fire.

Dream Lantern, ZenZenZense, Sparkle and Nandemonaiya - RADWIMPS (Various themes from Your Name) I'm still miffed that they didn't kiss at the end. >:v

Re:Re: - ASIAN KUNGFU GENERATION (Erased OP)

Brave Shine - Aimer (Fate/Stay Night Unlimited Blade Works OP)*

Starting Over - Mr. Children (The Boy and the Beast ED)* Mamoru Hosoda never ceases to make me smile and/or cry, huh?

GO - BUMP OF CHICKEN (GRANBLUE FANTASY the Animation OP)

KINGS - angela (K Project OP) i don’t even know how i remembered this one. I watched K at my local anime club years ago cuz one of my friends suggested it. I barely remember what it was about, though. ^  ^’

Vision - Kusou Linkai (Yu-Gi-Oh ARC-V ED5)

Light of Hope - Unknown Number (Yu-Gi-Oh ARC-V OP5)

Pendulum Beat! - SUPER DRAGON (Yu-Gi-Oh ARC-V OP6)*

2017

Peace Sign - Kenshi Yonezu (My Hero Academia OP2)* SURE IT’S POPULAR, BUT IT’S POPULAR FOR A REASON.

Datte Atashi no Hero - LiSA (My Hero Academia ED3)

Little Pi - Ange☆Reve (Digimon Universe: Applimonsters ED3)

Perfect World - Traffic Light (Digimon Universe: Applimonsters ED4)*

With the Wind - Hiroaki “TOMMY” Tominaga (Yu-Gi-Oh! VRAINS OP)* I’ll be honest, this one took some getting used to, but now i luv it!

Fake Town Baby - UNISON SQUARE GARDEN (Kekkai Sensen and Beyond OP)

Tonari Au - THE ORAL CIGARETTES (Sakurada Reset ED)*

Rain - SEKAI NO OWARI (Mary and the Witch's Flower ED)* I really liked the movie and I just luved the fantasy vibes given off by the instrumentals in this song.

Baton Road - KANA BOON (Boruto: Naruto Next Generations OP)* Y'all say Boruto is trash, but at least the theme songs still boppin'.

Boku wa Hashiri Tsuzukeru - Melofloat (Boruto: Naruto Next Generations ED3)

FEED THE FIRE - coldrain (King’s Game OP)* Thank you Fire Force for introducing me to this wonderful band. ;w;

2018

PAiNT it BLACK - BiSH (Black Clover OP2)* Never thought I'd ever find a band actually named bish. Lmao

Black Rover - Vickeblanka (Black Clover OP3)

Guess Who is Back - Kumi Koda (Black Clover OP4)* Now, if this ain't a bop fit for a triumphant return like "SURPRISE BISH I'M BACK." then idk what is. Lmao

Gamushara & Tenge Tenjou - Miyuna (Black Clover OP&ED5)* i’m mainly referring to Gamushara, but i luv Tenge Tenjou too.

ODD FUTURE - UVERworld (My Hero Academia OP4)*

Make my story - Lenny code fiction (My Hero Academia OP5)*

The Future is Now - Straightener (Digimon ReArise OP)* Yes, I know I'm cheating cuz it's a video game, but it's an opening sequence much like an anime, so yeah.

Breath - Porno Graffitti (Pokemon the Power of Us ED)

Katharsis - TK from Ling Tosite Sigure (Tokyo Ghoul OP3?)*

Here - JUNNA (The Ancient Magus Bride OP)

Renai Circulation - Kana Hanazawa (Bakemonogatari OP4) Imma be honest, i found this song through those Coldplay mashups and other memes. Lmao

I Wanna Be - SPYAIR (Gintama Shirogane no Tamashii Hen OP)

Hana Ichi Monme - BURNOUT SYNDROMES (Gintama Shirogane no Tamashii Hen ED)*

2019

Hana ga Saku Michi - THE CHARM PARK (Black Clover ED7)* I SWEAR NO ONE’S COVERED THIS SONG YET AND I’M SAD. I LUV THIS SONG.

Inferno - MRS. GREEN APPLE (Fire Force OP)

Veil - Keina Suda (Fire Force ED)* This ED gives me feels and i luv it. ;w;

MAYDAY - coldrain (Fire Force OP2)* This sounds like a song i’d hear at Hot Topic and i feel blessed. lmao

Nounai - Lenny code fiction (Fire Force ED2) I swear this anime doesn’t have a single song i don’t like. I’m not kidding. lmao

WILD SIDE - ALI (BEASTARS OP)* IN THIS HOUSE, WE DO NOT SKIP THIS OPENING I STG.

Le Zoo - YURiKA (BEASTARS ED)

Nemureru Honou (Sleeping Instincts) - YURiKA (BEASTARS ED2)*

Kawaki no Ameku - Minami (Domestic Na Kanojo OP)

Polaris - BLUE ENCOUNT (My Hero Academia OP6)* THIS IS THE BIGGEST BOP SINCE PEACE SIGN OML

Touch Off - UVERworld (The Promised Neverland OP)* This show was too creepy for me to continue, but I luv it for what it is. Also NAA NANANANANANAA NANANAAAA~

Sangenshoku - PELICAN FANCLUB (Dr. Stone OP2)* Sorry, but Good Morning World didn’t totally do it for me. I luv this OP way more tbh.

Suisou - Megumi Nakajima (Hoshiai no Sora OP)* The bits before the chorus are just so good.

1•2•3 - After the Rain (Pocket Monsters 2019 OP)

Dark Crow - MAN WITH A MISSION (Vinland Saga OP2)

MOTOR CITY - Kenichi Asai (No Guns Life OP)

Game Over - DATS (No Guns Life ED)

[self-critical-automaton]

Whats Been Going On With Me Lately

So basicly the TLDR is:

I’ve been super ill in weird and new brain ways since about mid-december, when withdrawal from my antidepressants resulted in strange intense psychological events, and I’ve been dealing with the fallout and day-to-day distress ever since. I’m terrified that i might have suffered permanent alterations/damage to my mental state, but who can say.

Details under the cut for anyone who wants to know how ive been doing, or wants to hear about what happens when you quit a high dose of fluoxetine cold turkey after five or six years.

Or for anyone who is going through something similar and wants some info/hope, since withdrawal experiences seem to be super idiosyncratic and variable and its almost impossible to find detailed descriptions.

I’d really appreciate it being read, esp. by people in my life, but dont feel compelled or whatever idk i dont make the rules but srsly please read it if you can it took a lot of time and effort

PS: this and several other articles on that blog were a huge help to me getting through the first couple phases, if you’re having trouble with withdrawal please go read PPS: fine to reblog, in fact please do

In 2017 I started getting painful physical side effects from my antidepressants, which gradually got worse until in lateish-2018 I decided to stop taking them outright. Everyone ever says you shouldn’t quit antidepressants cold-turkey, and they are right, but I’d been taking them inconsistently due to the pain, and I was beginning to suspect they’d stopped helping me anyway, so it seemed the best option.

I quit in probably mid-October and for a couple months felt much the same as usual, but then around the 13th of December it all kicked off. At first I had no idea what was happening, and I thought I was suffering a sudden and intense flu coinciding with a bad depressive spike, but after a couple days I figured out that withdrawal can be offset by weeks or months in rare cases, and decided this is what must be happening. That first round of Withdrawal Time had a few soft-edged but distinct phases (lasting about a week each), and I went through by far the worst experience in my entire life, closely followed by the second-worst and then third-worst.

Round One Start! Phase One: intense existential dread

It kicked of very suddenly, around the 13th december, getting rapidly worse over a couple days. I was paralysed with fear as my mind sunk into thinking in infinite circles, unable to do anything other but endlessly contemplate and debate morbid philosophical topics, forced to confront the inevitability of death, emptiness of life, terror of oblivion, impossibility of afterlife, and so on. I also suffered sensory experiences similar to those ive heard described by people who take drugs like LSD, or very severe fever dreams. Sensations of expanded perception, becoming trapped in imaginary scenarios on other planes, that sort of thing.

In this phase I ate almost nothing, and over that week lost 4 or 5 kg. I also had some flu symptoms, mostly as fevers and chills, and could ony, really sleep in short bursts of a couple hours each. There was very little I could safely occupy myself with, as almost all media (books, games, film, fiction and nonfiction, everything really) would in some way trigger me into thinking about an existential topic, and then the terror would resume. I spent what time I could working to fix the problems with my life that I had suddenly become aware of (my social isolation, my medial issues, my mental health, etc), so I made a lot of phone calls, doctor visits, and applied to some mental health counseling services. I also started looking for avenues to make friends and acquaintances online and in person, and did a lot of research on antidepressant withdrawal.

Towards the end of this phase, the dread got more manageable and began to ease off, and I found I could play simple puzzle games to help occupy myself during the day. Listening to certain podcasts also was a source of relief and distraction. However, things remained bad in the morning and evenings, and I ended up referring to these times as ‘morning hell’ and ‘evening hell’. Also, I began to keep a basic daily log of my symptoms.

Phase Two: generalized anxiety

As I segued into this phase, the existential dread mostly withdrew during the day, leaving instead a sense of severe generalized anxiety. I’ve had issues with anxiety in the past, but it’s always been event-related or social, so Generalized Anxiety Disorder style anxiety was an interesting addition to my mental health cocktail. I still suffered the existential dread, but primarily during the Morning and Evening Hells, and as occasional spikes during the day. Mostly, I felt like it was off to one side somewhere, and felt anxiety about thinking about existential topics.

I got little done, but was able to occupy myself with podcasts, housework, simple games, and (oddly enough) Star Trek: The Original Series. Almost anything else I tried would worsen the anxiety, and threaten to trigger existential dreads. During this time I started sleeping more normally, but also began waking every night with chest pains and leg pains, which of course caused a great deal of anxiety about heart issues and blood clots. I also began to feel like I had begun to ‘wake up’ after having sleepwalked through the past year or so.

Phase Three: misc badfeels and weird sensory effects

As phase 2 segued into this one, around christmas day, the anxiety started to recede during the day. I’d get a window of safety varying from half an hour to a few hours, usually starting in the early afternoon. I began to leave the house more, going for walks with my partner, which could occupy me safely during bad feeling times. During those windows, I often still felt bad, but it felt like a ‘normal’ bad, like depression and ennui, rather than the very active generalized anxiety or severe dread. I also began to be able to read again, and to play games more widely. I committed to attending some local social events (some board games/RPG things, and a support group) and mostly tried to get on with life. 

I was frequently quite sluggish and slow, and didn't usually get much work done, even napping occasionally. As my days improved, my nights worsened, with bad sleep and bad dreams. I would also have odd brief sensory effects, such as hallucinations and waking dreams. For the first time since withdrawal started, I began to worry that I was slipping backwards and getting worse again. Up until that point, I had felt like, as awful as I was feeling, there was a slow but consistent improvement.

By early January I was having inconsistent bouts of the existential stuff and the generalized anxiety in the day, but looking back probably not as intensely as in the earlier phases.

Phase Four: inconsistent rehash

Phase four was similar to phase three, except without the consistency that phase three had (at least earlier on) of ‘morning bad, day safe, evening bad’. It also lasted longer than the ‘about a week’ of previous phases. I had ups and downs of general bad feelings throughout the day, with occasional spikes or longer bouts of existential fear or generalized anxiety, and I developed an aversion to going to bed (as most mornings would feel worse than evenings). I usually slept badly, and I started waking up during what I’m pretty sure were sleep-panic-attacks an hour or so after going to sleep. Chest pains and so on were very common and worrying, so I talked to the doctor a lot and ended up on some cardio waiting lists.

I had some depressive episodes which felt very much like the kind of depressive episodes I’ve had over my life, and about the same topics, though more intensely. It was almost comforting, in a back-to-normal sort of way.

Frankly, this whole phase felt like a random jumble of previous phase symptoms and pre-withdrawl mental health stuff, almost like dimming lightbulbs on an old electrical system, fading in and out and going on and off randomly and unpredictably.

Towards the end of January, I had a bad bout of flu, but during that time I felt a lot better in mental health terms. I don’t know if this was due to the distraction of a big obvious ‘thing to survive’ or if it was a natural upswing as part of the arc of that phase. After I got over the flu, I had a couple days of existential stuff reasserting itself, and I was worried that it was a second bout of Phase One, but I stopped recording my log on the 5th of February, so it’s hard to recall anything past this.

Interstitial Period

I’m pretty sure that for most of February, I felt ‘back to normal’, and was feeling more-or-less how I had been before withdrawal kicked off. That said, my capacity to occupy myself has not really recovered. I’m occasionally able to play games or read, but I often have a bad sense of ennui. This may be my natural yearly Seasonal Affective Disorder, or a natural depressive episode (I have consistently if infrequently had times where I’m unable to occupy myself and suffer ennui, just as part of being a depressed person), but I’ve not had one this long before.

I have a strong fear that my cognition/way of being/mental state has been permanently altered by that first phase, that it in some way ‘opened my eyes’ and now I will never be able to go back to how I was. I’m scared that I might never be free of this existential dread lurking in the back of my mind, but also trying to dissemble, forget, or distract myself feels like a foolish naivety. Its something we all have to face, so postponing the inevitable is pointless, but also I can’t overcome or accept it, so I’m trapped in a limbo.

Round Two?

After feeling mostly ’back to normal’ for a while, I’ve been having some bad times again. For about a week or so (end of febuary/beginning of march), I’ve been having existential fears and the ‘big mix of generalized bad feeling’ again, on and off during the day, and especially in mornings/evenings. I was very afraid that it was the beginning of a downslope into a full repeat of this entire cycle, but it’s been pretty consistent so far, rather than getting worse.

I’m hoping that this is indeed Round Two, and that its just a lot less bad than Round One, which would be consistent with what I’ve read about this stuff.

Final Thoughts

Phase one was the worst thing ive gone through in my life, but on good days I feel somewhat optimistic that it’s had a ‘rock bottom’ kind of effect, that I can find some positive things to come out of it.

It’s given me some perspective, and it’s helped me come out of a sleepwalking time in my life. I feel what i’m missing in my life much more keenly (social isolation/ lack of friends, lack of passion, lack of purpose/drive/meaning in my life), but I’m also able to work on them to some extent for the first time in years.

That said, I know these take a lot of time and work to fix, but it’s hard not to look at the glacially slow progress i’ve made as ‘no progress in basically three months’, and sink back into the things-will-never-get-better-so-why-try kind of depression.

I’m gonna keep trying, though.

[neutralonketchup]

all of them. every single one

sweet and pure asks

🐰- do you believe in soul mates?

not really. I believe that people can be very similar and naturally complimentary to one another but I believe too much in people’s ability to change and not enough in fate to believe in soul mates. also I think its restricting to think that there’s one perfect person out there for you and that each person you meet could be them so you Better Not Lose Them. so yeah tl;dr No

💌- diary or journal?

Journal

✨- which fictional character (book, show, or movie) do you relate to most?

Most recently Llewyn Davis which isn’t a good thing but more generally probably any iteration of Peter Parker

💕- are you crushing on someone?

Nope, and i haven’t been for an Almost Concerning amount of time

💋- kissing in the dark or kissing in the rain?

The rain, simply because you can feasibly see whats goin on

🐝- describe your aesthetic in emojis

😴👻🍂☔️🧙🏼‍♂️

🍼- what is your favorite memory?

Not a specific memory but more a Genre of memory: summers as a like 10-13 year old, having absolutely no responsibilities or obligations, waking up to a cool breeze blowing through the window and knowing that the day is entirely truly yours. It was the most relaxing state of being and I doubt I’ll ever feel that again. More recently a few days ago me n a buncha my friends sat down and played Minecraft on a LAN server for like 7 straight hours and it’s honestly the most fun I can remember having in a long time

🌸- what is your favorite flower?

I really like lavender, but also white roses are beautiful in how delicate and pure they are, and cherry blossoms will never not take my breath away

💖- have you ever been in love?

I honestly don’t know. Possibly? The trouble with love is I don’t know if you ever know you’re in it until you’re in it.

🍰- strawberry or vanilla?

Vanilla

🍯- describe your favorite smell

The smell carried by the wind on a grey, blustery, intermittently stormy fall day. The kind of day where the only sunshine you see comes down in rays through distant breaks in the clouds and when you step outside the smell of wet leaves and winter on the way fills you with a Sense Of Power.

🎂- if you had 3 wishes, what would they be?

1. To constantly have enough money for whatever I wanted to spend it on

2. To make everyone in the world respect the Human Rights Of eachother

3. Shape-shifting

🍪- cookie dough or cookies?

Cookie dough

☕- coffee or tea?

Tea, black with cream and 3 sugars

🍃- would you rather live in a sea with mermaids or a forest with fairies?

The sea. I’ve always thought since I was a little kid that if I could live underwater I’d be the most comfortable I’d Ever Be

🍂- what’s your middle name?

Robert

💫- what is your sun, moon, and rising sign?

Libra (which is why these are all paragraphs explaining my indecisiveness), Capricorn, and Leo

🌧️- favorite thing to do on rainy days?

Curl up next to a window and read or play video games or watch a movie or do something to recharge in proximity to the storm

🍭- how tall are you?

6’ 2”

💒- which show would you want to live in?

Oh gosh most of the shows I watch take place in worlds that’d Kill Me, and that includes Galavant but imma still say Galavant cuz Swords + Singing + Dumb Comedy is an ideal way to live. Runner up is the X-files cuz I’d die but I’d die in an atmospherically pleasing way and that’s all I need.

🎄- what is your favorite holiday?

Halloween. No contest. There’s candy, a fun spooky atmosphere, good weather, and absolutely no obligation to travel home and see family

🍦- what scented candle is your favorite?

I’ve got one right now that’s called Waterfall I think that is perfect in a way I think scented candles should be which is that it makes the room smell imperceptibly good. You don’t consciously notice when it’s lit but the room smells subtly Better

🎶- favorite song right now?

Movement by Hozier

💘- 3 ways to win your heart?

The number one way is humor but I don’t mean that in a Tell Jokes kinda way I mean like you gotta be able to pick up on and run with bits with me and be able to have a back and forth so I guess it’s more creativity in general than just humor but like if you take a joke I make and run with it and send it right back my heart melts, like all my friends are So Funny I love them so much. Other than that kindness and a gentle nature because that means you’re a person I can easily be around and on top of that passion. For whatever. I know people who are super into Silent Film and Flags and Irish Poetry and all sorts of other stuff that I’m not particularly into myself but I love hearing about it because they’re all so passionate about it and they make it interesting with their own interests and Yeah

🍩- current mood?

Weirdly Alive which is strange because I’ve been sleepwalking through life for almost 6 months now

❄️- what is your favorite season?

Fall and nothing else comes close. It’s magical.

💍- your current relationship status?

Single and Staying That Way

📷- a photo of yourself

Here’s one from tonight

💅🏻- do you like being spoiled?

I mean on the level that everyone does cuz doing things for yourself sucks but tbh I can’t stand it because I can’t accept people going out of their way for me

🕊️- 3 habits you have?

1) Pacing. I do it constantly, to the point where it makes others uncomfortable

2) Whistling. It’s my brains autopilot function and probably really annoying for those around me

3) Drumming on things with my fingers

🦄- how do you perceive yourself?

Honestly Not Well. I don’t think a lot of myself. Like I think I’m smart and decently funny and like kinda attractive but I have no motivation and no marketable skills and no confidence. So basically as someone who is kinda Lost currently

🦋- how do you think others perceive you?

From what I’ve gathered, better than I do myself. People seem to think I’m funny and like a good dude to be around. But at the same time I think I’m pulled in so many different directions in my life that I’m not Overly Close with too many people so I don’t think a lot of people think they can come to me with stuff which is sad but something I’m trying to change. Also people come onto me a lot so potentially I’m Hot? Needs more research

🌈- things I find attractive in girls/guys

Well things I find attractive universally are humor, a nice smile, contagious laughter, intelligence, confidence, passion, and sorta grunge-y, indie clothes. I really like glasses. And I’m a big fan of tall lanky scruffy dudes, which I think calls for some introspection on my part as to my Image but that’s a whole different issue

🍓- one secret about yourself

I cried for 2 hours straight after watching Honey I Shrunk The Kids at age 7

🍒- how do you act when you have a crush?

Prolly really dumb. I haven’t had one (that I’ve been consciously aware of at least) for a while but I like go outta my way to talk to them and talk about them and do shit specifically to impress them and all that kinda fun stuff

💔- the reason behind your last breakup?

I’m not Emotionally Prepared to be in a relationship at this stage in my life, I’m not happy when I’m committed like that, so my last couple have been because of my own unhappiness and uncertainty

💬- what your last text message says?

My last message sent to someone was over Snapchat and was just “it’s a concern” but my latest actual Text Message was “That is understandable and I will now be turning myself in to campus police”

🎥- what show are you currently binging on?

I’m currently avoiding TV shows because if I start one I’ll HAVE to finish it asap and I can’t handle that kinda restriction on what I can watch (I’ll get around to it) but the most recent one I binged was The Haunting Of Hill House which is phenomenal please watch it

⛅- what is your morning routine?

Wake up, turn off my alarm, wake up again approximately 3-5 minutes before the start of my first class, sit up slowly cursing heavily, pull on the same pants from last night cuz my belt and wallet are still in them, throw on a sweater, brush my teeth/deodorize, put on walking music, walk to class and prepare an excuse

💗- who do you miss?

Currently not any one person specifically but most of my Theatre Friends have been Super Busy with a show for the past like 2 months straight so I haven’t seen any of them outside of class and I really miss them but the show has Ended so I’ll be seeing them more now

🥀- last time you cried?

Last week my friend asked me if I’d removed a box of old dumplings from my car that’d been there since mid January (I had not) and I burst into tears

🎁- when is your birthday?

September 29 1998

🔪- scariest/creepiest experience?

Probably the time me n my friends drove out to a Haunted Bridge in the middle of the night to “find a ghost” and we didn’t find anything but i was terrified the whole time anyways. Also the time I thought someone had broken into my home over the summer and had to Sweep and Clear with a meat cleaver

💤- date someone younger, older, or same age as you?

Close to my age, which might change as I get older and age starts to matter less but right now it’s a big deciding factor in Shared Life Experience

[luukia]

Alsar Chapter 1

Chapter 1. Where Am I?

A/N

This is my first work ever, I tried to put a lot of things I like through this story. My story might be bad but please bear with me.

Translator/N 

This is my first time translating web novel as well. Lol. I hope you guys like it ! I’m sorry if there’s any error with my translation!

~*~

For some reason my back hurts so I toss around in my sleep. I try to go back to sleep but I can’t seem to get comfortable no matter how I move. I decided to get up and start my day.

I open my eyes and I see a vast green forest surrounding me. I turn my head around and I see a lake on my right side.

“Nngh.. Huh.. Why I.. Did I fell asleep outside?” No wonder my back hurts so bad, since I've been sleeping on the ground like this. But wait! “Huh? I’m pretty sure I went to sleep in my room yesterday.” Anyway for the time being let’s try to remember what happened yesterday. “Yesterday I attended class for a whole day, then I went to the convenience store at 22:00 and arrived at home safely by 22:30. I had dinner, took a bath and I guess I finally fell asleep at 01:00? Since tomorrow is weekend, I went to bed while thinking about all the laundry I have to do.” Yup. Just my usual day to day life. “Where am I?!?!?!” I look around myself frantically, suddenly I don’t feel sleepy at all. “Just what the hell is happening..” Did I sleepwalk? But even if I did sleepwalk, since I live in a big city, there is no forest like this nearby “Anyway, just standing in here and do nothing is useless. I better try to explore this place, I might be able to find someone here.” I look at the lake right in front of me. The lake is so beautiful, the water is crystal clear I can even see the fish swimming around. “I’m so thirsty.. I wonder if the water is safe to drink..?” I don’t know for sure but I guess it’s been 3 hours since I last woke up? No wonder my I feel parched. I want to drink this water but I don’t know whether the water is safe to drink. “I’m going to drink it! If the water this clear I’m sure it’s going to be alright!” I walk to the edge of the lake, although I said I’m going to drink it, I still feel a little bit hesitant. What if I get stomach ache?

I scoop the water with both of my hands. The water feels cold to touch. So nice, it must be refreshing if I drink it….

I brace myself and gulp the water in one go. Somehow the water tastes sweet, it’s so delicious! “Huh? Someone’s here?” I bristled when I heard someone speaking. I feel like I leaked a little.. Just a little bit though! It’s because I haven’t peed since I woke up!

I was about to go pee after I finish drinking but I guess I need to hold it in. I turn my body around quickly and I see a handsome middle aged man, around 30ish I think with dazzling brown hair. His face looks like a westerner and he is carrying a fishing rod with him. And he is really, really big. Probably around 2 metres? “Umm…” “It’s okay, I’m not a suspicious person, boy. My name is Malik. Malik Cleva. I’m the guild master from the Adventurer Guild in Pedrell.” “A-ah.. My name is Himukai Ren. May I ask where is this exactly? Pedrell ? Where is that?” I introduce myself to him since he already gave me his name first then I started to shoot barrage of questions to him. “Himukya? Umm.. Himukya, right now we’re in a forest by the Pedrell City.” Malik-san.. he looks like a foreigner so I guess it must be hard for him to say Japanese name. It’s Himukai not Himukya but I feel like it would be rude of me to correct him. He said Pedrell City? Where is that? I never heard about Pedrell City before. “Please call me Ren, Malik-san. Actually I was sleeping in my house but when I woke up suddenly I ended up here.” “I don’t quite understand but I guess you’re lost, huh? Anyway are you hungry, Ren?” I ask him to call me Ren because it’s easier to pronounce. Malik-san doesn’t look like a Japanese but his Japanese is really good and he seems like a nice guy.

“A lost child? I guess I am. Thank you for the offer! Though, is your house close? Actually I really need to pee right now, is it okay if you wait a little while I go do my business first?”

“Well it’s a little far. You can go pee first, I will wait for you here.”

Since I’ve been holding it for a while, I run hastily to relieve myself. I’ve said it before but Malik-san Japanese is really good! I wonder where am I actually? It’s rare for me to see westerner speaking such fluent japanese.

When I returned I see Malik-san sitting on a large rock by the lake. Even though he’s only sitting normally, he looks really handsome.

“Thank you for waiting, Malik-san”

“Ah. Don’t worry about it. Come on, let’s walk. We have so much to talk about.”

After 5 minutes of walking, I finally see the road. I guess I’m not that far deep into the forest yet, huh.

Another thing, when I was peeing I just realized that I’m barefooted. Well that is given afterall, I was sleeping in my room.

There’s nothing I can do so I have to bear with it.

Though I’m sure I’m going to hurt myself by walking barefooted in the forest.

At the very least I have to be careful so I won’t stab myself by stepping on a twig or something!

~*~

We’ve only walked for 30 minutes but Malik-san have already taught me a lot of things!

Apparently this world, Alsar is a world of magic and sword where there are elves and monsters roaming around the world. I’m definitely not in Japan. Heck, I’m sure there’s no place like this on earth!

This is a forest next to Pedrell City, in the kingdom of Aspel.

And Malik-san is a local here.

Once every 5 years a person from different world will be transported into Alsar so this is a normal occurrence. According to Malik-san, it seems like I’m one of those other world people. Ah, my head hurts.

What’s more, at first I thought Malik-san was speaking in Japanese, but according to him I’m the one speaking in the official language of Alsar. I guess it’s like auto translator? I hear Malik-san speaking Japanese and in return Malik-san hear me speaking in Alsar language.

The legal age in Alsar is 18 years old and Malik-san here is actually 47 years old! He didn’t look like 47 years old! Sadly, he thought I was 15 years old even though actually I’m already 21.

The average height for male in Alsar is 2m, for female is 180m. No wonder he thought I’m still a child since I’m only 175cm tall.

Thankfully this world use the same metric system back in earth and the measurement for time is the same too. So I don’t have to learn new measurement system.

Sigh.. there’s a lot of new information my head feels like it’s going to combust.

~*~

Finally we’ve arrived in Pedler City. Thanks to Malik-san, I can go through the gate checking relatively easy.

We walk past the market, there’s various stall selling all kind of things I’ve never seen before. From food, clothes to knick knacks, everything!

As I was too busy getting fascinated by the various things here that I didn’t realize we’ve already arrived at Malik-san’s house. His house is not that far away from the market and it’s really big. It’s bigger than the average house I saw in Pedrell.

“Sorry, I haven’t prepared anything since I didn’t plan on receiving guest today. Please take a seat anywhere you want while I make some tea for you.”

“Ah thank you very much.”

Malik-san take me to the dining room, there’s 4 chair there so I sit on the chair closest to me.

I look around the house inconspicuously. For a single man that has been living alone, Malik-san house is really spacious but also really tidy. Somehow, I feel kinda nervous.

While I was too busy looking around, suddenly a cup of steaming brown liquid appeared in front of me.

It looks like the usual black tea from earth.

I was extremely parched when I drank the water from the lake, but now that I’m in the right state of mind somehow I feel scared to drink something from another world.

Malik-san take the chair in front of me and staring at me, waiting for me to drink the cup he gave me. Since we’ve walked quite a distance, I actually feel thirsty but still, I’m afraid to take the first gulp.

After a while, I finally give up and I lift the cup with both of my hands gently and blow the steam ‘fuu fuu’ like that.

“Ah! It IS tea! Delicious!”

“I’m glad you like it. Actually this ‘tea’ was brought by an otherworlder too, like you. People will feel more at ease if they experience something familiar to them, right? I hope it will calm your nerves.”

“Ah.. yes..”

After I hear that the tea was brought by otherworlder, I drink the tea in one big gulp. To think this is actually the same tea from earth..

Malik-san is really a gentleman, he saved me from being lost,he even gave me tea because he wanted me to feel at ease. He is a really kind man.

“Ren, the thing that I told you before, about other worlder, do you understand it now?”

“Umm, when I first heard it I feel skeptical because to me, you seem to be speaking in Japanese. I thought I might be dreaming but the urge to take a pee, the thirst, the tiredness after walking, everything is real. After seeing the city, it finally sinked in. I guess I am in other world now.”

Yes. I have no other choice but to believe that this is not earth.

After all, the people in here carries sword like it’s normal, Malik-san included.

What’s more, I’m just an ordinary student, there’s no benefit for someone to try and trick me anyway.

“It’s okay to take everything slowly. I’ve met a couple of otherworlder that hurt themselves because they were confused and overwhelmed when they first came to Alsar.”

Well it’s normal to react in such a way. It must’ve been hard to accept the whole concept of other world because that kind of thing only exist as fantasy in earth.

“I am confused but I have no other choice but to give up and just accept it, right? I’m really blessed to be able to meet Malik-san from the start, thanks to you explaining things to me, I can let the reality sink in.”

I am really blessed. If I didn’t meet Malik-san, I would’ve went and got myself lost in the forest and probably die. I don’t have any capability to life in the wilds so my survivability is close to zero.

“Ah well, you’re actually my type, of course I would be willing to help.”

“Pardon? What did you say?”

Malik-san said something but he said it in low voice so it’s hard for me to catch it.

“Nothing! Don’t mind it! Anyway, you’re welcome to stay here while you get used to your new life. I live alone anyway and I have lots of empty room to spare.”

“Eeeeh? To trouble you anymore than this.. I will look for work that provides a live-in space for their employee, please I would feel bad if I were to intrude on you.”

After all the things he has done to me, he is still willing to help me more? And what’s more, wouldn’t he feel afraid that I will steal something? I’m a stranger you know!

“You really are very high spirited huh. Well there’s an unspoken rule that the first person that found an otherworlder are required to take care of the otherworlder until they settle down. After all it’s not everyday you find an otherworlder. So don’t mind it.”

Is that so. To think there’s that kind of rule regarding the otherworlder..

“And the people from the other world is much much smaller than the people in Alsar. Ren you look like at most 15 or maybe even 6 years old and you look really seductive! Even though you look like a child, you’re bound to get in trouble somehow. That’s why, it’s okay for you to stay here until you settle in.”

“Se-seductive? I don’t really understand but if there’s such unspoken rule like that, for now I will be in your care.”

When it Rome, do as romans do. I guess I will be in Malik-san care for now.

And so, I’ve decided to live with Malik-san.

Index

Chapter 2

[pioneergirlsie]

85 Questions

I was tagged by the lovely @dearponty <3 Thank you!

I’m tagging: @random----fandoms (I always keep thinking you’re still papillion XD) @thatwouldbeunfortunate @booksinthenooks @flyingthroughthemoonlight @xxno-wayxx

— what was your last…

1. drink: Water out of my huge Newsies cup. Or if water doesn’t count, I had a Mountain Dew yesterday

2. phone call: My aunt so I could wish my little cousin a happy 7th birthday

3. text message: @random----fandoms aka my bestie

4. song you listened to: “From Now On” from The Greatest Showman

5. time you cried: A few weeks ago I was so stressed that I just cried for about a half hour and did nothing

— have you ever…

6. dated someone twice: Haha I haven’t even dated someone once XD

7. kissed someone and regretted it: Haha I’ve never kissed either

8. been cheated on: No

9. lost someone special: Yeah. Too many special someones

10. been depressed: Yeah. After reading A Series of Unfortunate Events I got into a funk and it didn’t really go away on its own... 

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: No but I gag whenever I smell alcohol

— fave colours

12. Blue

13. Green

14. Blue green

— in the last year have you…

15. made new friends: Do online friends count?

16. fallen out of love: Well... Fallen out of “like” is more accurate (and it happened twice so...)

17. laughed until you cried: Oh yes XD

18. found out someone was talking about you: Yes, but not in a bad way

19. met someone who changed you: Yeppers

20. found out who your friends are: A lot of them are the same, but I see now that distance can change people

21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list: I’ve kissed my parents, and we’re facebook friends, does that count?

— general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl: All of them because I don’t friend people I don’t know

23. do you have any pets: Yessss! I have three cats (one of which is missing and she’s my favorite) and a black lab/pointer mix who is adorable and I love him so much even though I don’t like any other dogs

24. do you want to change your name: No I love my name!

25. what did you do for your last birthday: We were on a road trip and my dad decided to pull off to a war memorial even though we were on a tight schedule, so that was interesting. There were LARGE mosquitos there. Then we drove for ten hours. We stopped at a gas station for a bathroom and they didn’t have a toilet seat, so that was... an experience. I cried. We finally arrived at Disney Springs where we got ice cream for my birthday. And the next day, on my bro’s birthday, we went to DisneyWorld. (But it’s alright because we both wore birthday buttons our whole trip and got mistaken for twins constantly and got many magical moments)

26. what time did you wake up today: 8 am

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: Sleeping thank goodness. But I also could have been sleepwalking or talking because I do that

28. what is something you can’t wait for: My online classes being done (but I get my wisdom teeth out two days later so... maybe I can wait)

30. what are you listening to right now: Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace soundtrack XD

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom: I think my aunt’s brother is named Tom but I don’t think I actually talked to him at that wedding...

32. something that’s getting on your nerves: Drama queens/kings

33. most visited website: Tumblr, YouTube, and the site for my college courses

34. hair colour: Brown

35. long or short hair: Medium-ish because I just got it cut from it being really long

36. do you have a crush on someone: It’s complicated

37. what do you like about yourself: I like my eyes a lot, and I like my personality. I have fun :)

38. want any piercings: Nopity nope nope, nope nope. 

 39. blood type: Ha, funny story. I skipped the day of biology where everyone got their blood tested and went to Disney instead 

40. nicknames: Elsie

41. relationship status: Single

42. sign: Pisces I think. I don’t really care

43. pronouns: she/her

44. fave tv show: The new Tangled series!

45. tattoos: Oh nodie dodie.

46. right or left handed: Right

47. ever had surgery: No but I’m going to need a couple

48. piercings: Ears

49. sport: I am totally into motocross. I can’t figure out how to shift, but I love watching it and riding little 50s. 

50. vacation: Are we talking all or most recent? I’ll go with most recent. We took a roadtrip through the deep south this winter all the way down to Florida to visit Disney and my friend at college and saw a Supercross Race over my brother’s and my birthdays.

51. trainers: Do braces count?

— more general

52. eating: Not right now, but if I am it’s probably pasta

53. drinking: Water, but later I’ll have a Mountain Dew

54. I’m about to watch: Some YouTube or the end of The Phantom Menace (again)

55. waiting for: Summer so I can be free

56. want: To star in a Broadway show XD Besides that, I’ve wanted this cute jacket for awhile. Ooh! And I want Newsies Live to get a CD and DVD

57. get married: Maybe after I’ve dated and found the right guy XD

58. career: Hopefully an author and an editor! Or I could do newspaper reporter/writer things

— which is better

59. hugs or kisses: hugs, especially when the person is really good at hug giving.

60. lips or eyes: eyes

61. shorter or taller: Well... I am shorter... so idk. But taller can be helpful to reach high places... idk

62. older or younger: Um? How do I answer this? I’d say younger because when you’re older everything starts to hurt

63. nice arms or stomach: Nice arms because they’re good for hugging

64. hookup or relationships: Hookups are bad. Relationships all the way

65. troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant 

— have you ever

66. kissed a stranger: Ew no way. I’d maybe kiss my fiance, but not before we’re engaged XD

67. drank hard liquor: Ew absolutely not! 

68. turned someone down: One time in high school a boy wanted to touch my butt and I shut that down hard. Oh, and another time this boy asked out about 5 girls at the same time, including me and my friend, and we both told him that that is not a good way to go about getting a girlfriend.

69. sex on first date: Ewwwww, save that for marriage please

70: broken someone’s heart: I really hope not

71. had your heart broken: Ha. Ha ha. Yeah. About three times. The first time was the worst

72. been arrested: Nope

73. cried when someone died: Absolutely. 

74. fallen for a friend: Well... I guess he still considers us friends, so yeah

— do you believe in

75. yourself: Mostly. Sometimes I panic, but for the most part yes.

76. miracles: Definitely

77. love at first sight: Yes, and it gets me into trouble XD But I also believe in falling slowly

78. santa claus: Well... I believe in the spirit of Santa. I never actually believed in the person of Santa Claus because Jesus is the reason for the season

79. angels: Yes

— misc

80. eye colour: Blue green. And it changes on a day to day basis

81. best friend’s name: @random----fandoms

82. favourite movie: This is an unfair question XD I love anything Disney, Narnia, or Star Wars. And don’t forget the forever underappreciated “The Adventures of Tintin (2011)”

83. favourite actor: Kara Lindsay

84. favourite cartoon: Kim Possible all the way. Also the old Loony Toons are great, as well as the new Tangled Series.

85. favourite teacher’s name: Mrs. B, Mrs. K, and Mrs. L were all so incredibly influential in my life. Mrs. B was like my crazy fun aunt who encouraged me to just be me. I came out of my shell so much because of her. Mrs. K encouraged me very early on as a writer, and she helped steer me towards my current career path. Mrs. L was my school mom. She also dragged me out of my shell and shaped me into the singer/actress I am today. 

[kbaldwin0609]

'The Bachelor' episode 3 recap: GLOW with the flow

Photo: Splash

Warning: This recap for episode 3 of The Bachelor contains spoilers. 

Happy week 3, rose lovers! We’ve reached the point in Arie’s “journey” where a previously invisible contestant suddenly gets thrust into the spotlight. Case in point:

Photo: ABC

Literally who is that, and what is she doing on a one-on-one with Arie?

But I’m getting ahead of myself. The episode begins with Harrison dropping off the date card, which Jane Doe (pictured above) promptly snatches. Maquel, Jacqueline, Lauren B., Tia, Marikh, Bekah M. Bibiana, and Krystal, you’re going on a group date — and clearly someone on The Bachelor’s Date Planning Committee binge-watched GLOW over the hiatus:

Photo: ABC

That’s right, “ladies” — you’re all about to audition for G.L.O.B., the “Gorgeous Ladies of the Bachelor” Wrestling League! (Side note: Please, Television Academy of Arts and Sciences, establish an “Outstanding Use of an Acronym in a Television Reality Show” category before next year’s Emmys.)

Angela and Ursula take the women through their paces, teaching them how to do forward rolls, how to bounce off the ropes, and how to “sell” the pain of getting (fake) kneed in the solar plexus by an opponent. Unfortunately, when it comes to the “selling” part, all of the women suck — and Angelina doesn’t hesitate to let them know it.

Photo: ABC

For the love of all that’s holy, Bibiana, why are you talking back to the former professional wrestler? Sure, she’s staying in character and just took a pot-shot at your mother, but you voluntarily signed up for a reality show that pits women against each other as they fight for a husband. If you have no righteous indignation about that, then you should probably just zip it.

Raven 2 is next to spark Angelina’s wrath when she refuses to expend any effort during a “lock-up” demonstration.

GIF: ABC

Bish, please. Weren’t you listening when Arie told Team Bachelor that he’s “looking for somebody who can kinda have fun in any situation”? You and Bibiana can take your sour pusses and your eye rolls and go cry in the corner. Meanwhile, Maquel and Baby Bekah are totally rolling with the punches, as it were.

GIF: ABC

Next, it’s time for the “ladies” to get their assigned pro-wrestler persona, and man, are they are on brand.

Krystal:

Photo: ABC

Bekah:

Photo: ABC

Marikh:

Photo: ABC

Raven 2:

Photo: ABC

Bibiana:

Photo: ABC

And how could Team Bachelor throw a wrestling date without inviting back the fan favorite who apparently does this for a living, Mr. Kenny “The Pretty Boy Pitbull” King?

Photo: ABC

Hey, at least it’s not Rated-R. Basically, Arie’s “match” with Kenny consists of the Bachelor flopping around limply while the Pretty Boy Pitbull pounds him repeatedly into the mat. Naturally, though, Kenny is enough of a gentleman to let Arie win — after all, his harem is watching.

Bekah and Maquel (“The Lunch Lady”) are summoned to the ring first. Just as they did during rehearsal, both women do their best to put on a convincing show, and it isn’t half bad. The Cougar faces off against Jacqueline next, and The Prom Queen definitely gets her bell rung.

GIF: ABC

Not really sure what was supposed to be going on during Marikh and Lauren B.’s routine, but if they were going for a “sleepwalking porn stars” vibe, they definitely succeeded.

GIF: ABC

After moping and whining their way through rehearsal, Bibiana and Raven 2 actually demonstrate some enthusiasm during their bout, which features headlocks, arm twists, and some almost decent trash talking. It may have been a merely moderate effort, but the Bachelor LOVES it.

Photo: ABC

Quiz time! If I were to ask you, based on two weeks’ of evidence, who would try to steal Arie away first at the post-date cocktail party, which woman would you pick? Exactly: Krystal. So why are all the rest of the “ladies” shocked — shocked! — when she does it again tonight?

Photo: ABC

Close your mouth, honey, or your jaw might freeze that way.

The Bachelor certainly isn’t discouraging Krystal’s behavior. “You were damn sexy today,” he gushes. “You were driving me crazy… I had to check myself a little bit.” He goes even further, advising Krystal to “just come grab me and say, ‘Give me some attention’” if she’s feeling neglected. Not that Krystal needs to be reminded.

It’s right about now that Bibiana falls into the same trap that so many women before her have stumbled into as well: Thinking the Bachelor wants to hear anything negative about a woman he’s clearly into, in this case Krystal. “I feel like at this point I need to voice my concerns with Arie,” Bibiana declares. So she does.

Photo: ABC

Arie does his best to make Bibi feel heard, and then he heads off to make out with Raven 2 and Baby Bekah (separately) in the Airstream trailers. Krystal is “a little confused” when Arie hands over the date rose to Bekah, so she decides the best solution is to “be more aggressive.” (Not pictured: The producer nodding furiously in agreement from behind the camera.)

The next morning, Krystal sits on the couch and performs a monologue by the pool — about how women have always “hated on” her, how she’s had to “struggle” and be “so strong” and “work so many hours” doing plyometric squats on the beach, or whatever. She also confides to her audience of one — an impressively poker-faced Marikh — that she and Arie “know we want to end up together, and this is just a process that has to be done in order for us to be together.”

Ladies and gentlemen, it has not even been three weeks.

Onward, “process”! The only one-on-one date of the week goes to… one of the blonde Laurens.

Photo: ABC

Seriously, who? Not that it matters, I guess. Arie meets the Lauren at his favorite private airport, where their jet awaits to whisk them off to wine country. I will say, whoever this woman is, she looks closer to 21 than 31 — and the Bachelor does seem pleased that she’s “mature.”

Over merlot, Arie and Lauren chat about early bedtimes and his growing love of cardigans. But can this Lauren go deeper? Arie admits he doesn’t know much/anything about her, and Lauren admits that she might have some “guards up.” I think it’s too much to hope that we’ll see a woman sent home from a date this early in the season… or is it?

You see, Lauren can’t stop talking. Like, at all. Maybe she’s so worried about holding back that she’s forcing herself to go to the opposite extreme — but even she admits that during dinner she’s “all over the place.”

Photo: ABC

And then something terrible happens.

Photo: ABC

Yep. Arie’s so bored, he’s actually eating on the date. After word-vomiting for almost the entire meal, Lauren tries to rein it in and salvage the night. “I feel like I have not been myself this whole dinner,” she tells the Bachelor. “I like me, and I’m cool with me, but I feel like I’ve been a little all over the place.”

So does Arie. He holds up the date rose, and with a carefully assembled “sad face,” he gives Lauren the boot: “I really, really wanted this for us, but I’m sorry, I can’t give you this.” And with that, rose lovers, we are down to exactly one Lauren. Suitcase Ninja, do your thing.

Photo: ABC

The “ladies” are rocked to their core by this unexpected turn of events. Caroline bursts into tears; Bekah and Becca huddle together for emotional warmth; and Krystal — who, let’s face it, is pretty psyched — delivers a eulogy for her fallen sister, who she says is “an amazing, beautiful soul.” She concludes by telling the other women to live each cocktail party as though it’s their last, because time on this earth with Arie is simply not guaranteed.

When Ashley, Becca K, Brittany, Jenna, Caroline, Chelsea, and Annaliese arrive at the park for group date number 2, Arie assures them that their outing will be not involve violent smashing of any kind, or a significant budget. Instead: Dogs! And not just any dogs, Dynamo Dogs!

GIF: ABC

For today’s date, Arie and the women will be putting on a live show with these adorable trained pups. Pretty fun, right? Well, unless you’re Annaliese — her collection of traumatic experiences also includes a run-in with her grandparents’ cranky dog Sunshine, who bit her when she was a kid. “I almost lost an eye,” she says gravely. Naturally, we’re treated to another gauzy reenactment.

Photo: ABC

Speaking of comedy, Chris Harrison’s co-commentator for the dog show is none other than Best in Show star Fred Willard. And there sure is a lot of color to commentate — as none of the dogs seem interested in listening to their temporary trainers, and the kids in the audience are either crying our outright heckling the performers.

Photo: ABC

Unlike on the wrestling date, no one pouts or cries when the dogs make them look silly, and Arie deems the outing a success. Things continue to go smoothly at the post-date cocktail party, as Arie has comfortable chats and kisses with everyone… except Annaliese. By the time she sits down with the Bachelor, she’s so wound up and tense that she can’t think of anything to say. “I feel like I’m going home,” she whines to the other women later. “His body language was so different.” Hmmm… let’s go to the videotape:

Photo: ABC

Yeah, it’s not looking great for Annaliese.

The date rose, by the way, goes to Chelsea.

When the final cocktail party of the week rolls around, pretty much every woman but the ones holding roses (Chelsea, Baby Bekah) is worried that she’ll go home. Side note: I like that Arie is starting to preempt any “she stole him right away” drama at these parties by choosing the first woman himself. (Watch and learn, future Bachelors.)

Bibiana can’t wait to get her alone time with Arie, because she’s arranged for the interns to set up a “private” (except for the cameras) cabana in the front driveway, where she and the Bachelor can relax and gaze at the stars.

Photo: ABC

Unfortunately for Bibiana, Arie and Lauren B. just happened to stumble upon this romantic star-gazing setup first. Even more humiliating is the fact that the Bachelor sends Bibi away when she comes to interrupt.

Photo: ABC

“Uhhh… the struggle is real,” sighs Bibiana in her confessional. “The devil is working OT, man.” Hey! Mike Fleiss may be an evil genius but I think calling him “the devil” is taking things a bit too far.

Having discovered the driveway daybed — aka the perfect make-out spot — Arie starts bringing other women there, including Crystal and Baby Bekah. Speaking of Miss Junior Varsity, she’s trying a little too hard to come across as the carefree, independent woman: “I think you know that I don’t need you,” she purrs to Arie. “You’ve been attracted consistently to people who need you more than you need them, and it’s scary to be with somebody who doesn’t need you to complete them.” It’s almost believable — but those of us who’ve experienced the hell that is being a woman in her early 20s can see that Bekah’s really a swirling mass of insecurities masked by a perky bod and a pixie cut. Still, Arie is just eating it up. “Gosh, you’re blowing my mind right now!” he marvels, before commencing yet another make-out session.

Our Bachelor also lavishes attention on Raven 2, who doesn’t seem to mind that the “special” set-up he had made for her is just a pair of redneck stereotypes: Hay bales and moonshine. But perhaps the most awkward moment of the night is Annaliese’s sad attempt to get a kiss from Arie. Maybe it’s because she always looks like she’s about to burst into tears, or maybe it’s simply because he’s just not that into her, but the encounter is not a success.

“I’ve really wanted you to kiss me,” Annaliese begins. “And I hear that girls have to go in for the kiss first — and I’m not really that type of girl.”

“So… are you asking me?” replies the Bachelor, clearly annoyed. And then he drops the bomb.

Photo: ABC

Man, could there be anything more disheartening than getting rejected by the kissing bandit? The man will lock lips with almost anything that moves! Anyhow, dear Annaliese, you should probably prepare to take a moment and say your goodbyes.

What’s that? You’re going to hunt Arie down and ask him point-blank if he’s into you instead? Sounds like a totally solid plan. “I literally can’t watch this,” groans Bekah, speaking for all of us. So, Annaliese asks —  and Arie answers.

Photo: ABC

“I’m sorry,” he says. “Can I walk you out?”

Who will join Annaliese in the Reject Limo? Let’s find out! Arie doles out roses to Caroline, Kendall, Ashley, the Last Remaining Lauren, Brittany, Becca K., Sienne, Krystal, Raven 2, Maquel, Jenna, Jacqueline, and Marikh — meaning we must also say goodbye to our favorite Miami firebrand, Bibiana.

“Someone needs to just give me a break,” sobs Bibi. Someone will, mami — as soon as it’s time to start casting for Bachelor in Paradise.

Welp, rose lovers, what say you? Did Arie send the right women home? Is Krystal right in assuming she’s his favorite? And what, exactly, is wrong with Jenna?

GIF: ABC

Post your thoughts now! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s exclusive behind-the-scenes blog right here. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to pitch American Horror Story: Annaliese’s Childhood to Ryan Murphy and FX.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.

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[lovemesomesurveys]

Have you ever read the Hunger Games series? Yep and saw the movies. When was the last time you ran into something? I’m constantly banging my elbow or hand on something. Do you enjoy dressing up? I used to. I just don’t have the energy nowadays. I used to actually put some effort into my appearance. Do you live in the city or a rural area? I live in a city. Would you say you have a sense of style? My style is very casual.

What’s your biggest fear? Losing my loved ones. Have you ever been bitten by a wild animal? No. Are you close to any of your cousins? I used to be close to 3 of them, but that has since dwindled... mostly by my own doing. I’ve been very distant and withdrawn from everyone. Have you ever been lost in the woods? No, and I can’t imagine ever being in that situation. I hope to never be. Where did you last travel? A nearby touristy city. Do you enjoy driving? I don’t drive. What song did you last listen to? I don’t remember at the moment. If you have a job, how often do you work? No job. What time do you normally go to sleep at night? I start to fall asleep around 3, but usually not for good until about 5. :/ Do you watch a lot of movies? Not really. Do you like Tom Petty? RIP Tom Petty. I like a couple songs. Would you rather have snow or rain? I love the rain. I think I’d love the snow, too, if it snowed here. Do you own a lot of sweaters? Yeah. Have you ever tried rock-climbing? Not sure how that would work as a paraplegic. Ever ridden in a police car? No. Favorite decade of music? Probably 90s and 2000s. Have any of your best friends been your best friend longer than a year? Yes. Ever witnessed a murder? No. Do you care what people think of you? I do and I don’t if that makes sense. Like... I feel self-conscious about my appearance and what people think of me, and yet I don’t put much effort into my appearance and don’t take care of myself like I should. I do things that don’t help the situation because part of me stopped caring. Does your room have a ceiling fan? Yes. Would you consider yourself poised? No. Have you ever tried blogging? This is it. Before Tumblr; though, I had Xanga. Favorite television channel? E! and MTV. Have you ever lied under oath? I’ve never been under oath. What are your religious views? I’m a Christian. Are you a romantic person? I haven’t really been able to given my lack of experience in the relationship department. Would you consider yourself a flirt? No. At what age do you plan to be married? I don’t think I’ll ever be married. Do you eat a lot of junk food? Yes. When did you last go on vacation? May. Are you resilient? I used to be when I was younger, but not anymore. Have you ever failed a subject before? No. If so, what was the class? Do you wear more bright or dull colors? Dull. Do you know anyone who has attempted suicide? Yes. What’s your favorite quote? I don’t know. Ha, that’s probably my favorite since I say it all the time. Would you consider yourself mature? Yeah, I mean for the most part. How many clocks are in your house? Several. Do you play any sports? Nope. What is your biggest life regret? I have too many. Have you ever been injured in a car accident? No. If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you be? Somewhere cozy where it snows. Have you ever had highlights in your hair? Yeah, I did that for years. Favorite fast food restaurant? Chick-Fil-A. In what country were you born? USA. Are your eyes more than one color? Nope. Have you ever caught something on fire? The tip of my hair.... What would you consider your biggest flaw? I’m too sensitive. What do you think your best quality is? I don’t feel I have one. Do you enjoy listening to others’ problems? I used to be a great listener and was the one my friends came to, but I haven’t been that person in a long time because I’ve been too wrapped up in my own problems. Do you keep any plants in your house? No. What is your mother’s occupation? She’s a manager at Walgreens. Do any of your friends like your musical style? Yeah. What are you most looking forward to? Christmas. What was your favorite television show as a child? I was obsessed with Barney when I was little. Are you afraid of insects? Terrified. Are you cold-natured? No. How old were you when you got your first pet? Five. Did you/do you enjoy high school? Some parts of it. What would you say was your favorite age? My childhood. What annoys you most about social networking? Oh where to begin. Are you the center of attention most of the time? Noooo. I wouldn’t want to be. What are you currently reading? Troubled Waters (The Lake Series, Book 2) by Annalisa Grant. When did you last go to the library? I went to the school library at the college I attended sometimes while I was in school. Are you ill at the moment? I’m always feelings unwell in some way or another. Do people tease you about anything? Jokingly, but yeah. How late did you stay up last night and why? Until about 5 because that’s just how it goes.

Have you ever written poetry? Yeah. Well, tried to anyway. Curtains or shades? Curtains. How many people have you spoken to in the last hour? One. Do you tend to text a lot? Nope. Ever lost a great best friend? Yes. What is your favorite kind of flower? Roses. How tall are you? i would have been about 5′7. Do you own any guns? No. What would you say is your favorite book of all-time? I couldn’t choose. Do you think you’re living a good life? No. What’s your least favorite part of the day? Meh. Are you an over-achiever? Ha, no. Have you ever won an award for a speech? No. Do you tend to curse a lot? No. Have you ever played on the Ouija board? No and I never would. Do you sleepwalk? I don’t. Have you ever slept on the floor before? Yes. Are you a fan of public displays of affection? I don’t mind some PDA, just keep it G. When did you last attend a yard sale? Years ago when a family friend used to do them. Do you wish your life were simpler or more interesting? More interesting. What goals do you wish to accomplish tomorrow? Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, my goals are to eat a lot. When is your birthday? July 28th. Which is worse: going blind or deaf? Bad question. What was the best part of today? Nothing. Do you attempt to stay away from drama? Yes.

What liquid did you last drink? Soda. Do you ever prefer to be alone? Yes. I need my alone time. Have you ever had a deadly animal as a pet? No. Favorite Disney movie? Alice in Wonderland and Toy Story. Have you ever been to the beach? Many times, I love it. If you have, how many times have you been? Numerous times. What was your dream occupation at age ten? I wanted to be a teacher. Are you terrified at the idea of weight-gain? No. I’ve never had an issue with gaining weight, I’ve actually always been a bit underweight. A little more so now given some health issues, and I need to gain some weight. Do you drink a lot of water? Yes. Does your room have carpet or hard-wood floors? Carpet. Do you take naps daily? Not daily, but often. Who were you named after? No one. Do you plan on traveling this spring or summer? Spring and summer have passed. Do you know anyone who is colorblind? No. Have you ever been a teacher’s pet? So they say. What is your absolute favorite hobby? Reading and Tumblr. How many times a day do you brush your teeth? Once. Ever been to a tanning bed before? No. Are you satisfied with your financial stability? We have our necessities, but it gets stressful.  Who is your favorite actor/actress? Alexander Skarsgard.

Are your nails painted? They aren’t. What’s the meanest thing you’ve ever said to someone? Hopefully nothing. Do you ever accidentally talk to inanimate objects? I yell at inanimate objects when I get frustrated with them. What’s your favorite flavor of ice cream? Strawberry. Have you ever kissed someone of the same gender? No. Do you receive any hate mail? No. Have you ever sent a letter in the mail? Yes. If you could, would you have a pen pal? We did that in 3rd grade. What color are the pants you’re wearing? I’m wearing black and white leggings. Have you ever had a stalker? I haven’t. What is your life philosophy? I don’t know. Who last sent you a goodnight text message? *shrug* Do you own any clothes that are your favorite color? Yeah. Have you ever been in a hot tub before? Yes. What’s your favorite comedy movie? I have a few.

[auburnfamilynews]

Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images

Join in and let us know your predictions as well!

Unlike Week 1 (with Auburn-Oregon), and Week 2 (LSU-Texas, Clemson-Texas A&M), Week 3 doesn’t have any big marquee games. College Gameday is going to El Assico for crying out loud. That doesn’t mean we take a week off, though! Here are some of the other matchups on a rather bleak slate...

***IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO MAKE PICKS YOURSELF, JUST PUT THEM IN THE COMMENTS AND RYAN STERRITT WILL KEEP SCORE. MAKE SURE YOU PUT AN ACTUAL SCORE IN YOUR PICK AS WELL SINCE WE KEEP TRACK OF THE LINE AND THE OVER/UNDER***

UCF (-7) vs Stanford (O/U 58.5)

Stanford travels across the county to take on UCF. Stanford doesn’t look the same without their starting quarterback, and it’ll show. The UCF chants will continue to grow louder. UCF 31, Stanford 7 - Josh Dub

Did not see Stanford getting walloped by USC coming at all... Now they take on the 2017 national champs & you have to think the Golden Knights are pissed the Cardinal aren’t ranked anymore. Stanford is down their starting QB & both starting tackles. I think this one is all UCF. UCF 38 Stanford 17 - AU Nerd

My 2017 national champs are going to beat the Cardinal fairly soundly. Knights 35, tree 20 - Son of Crow

I’d love to pick the nerds in this one, but UCF takes a P5 win and we have to hear about them for a while longer. UCF 34 Stanford 27 - Josh Black

Lifelong Stanford fan here. It would be quite satisfying to see the Cardinal go into Orlando and stop this nonsense from UCF. Stanford gets KJ Costello back at QB this week after missing the USC game. Still, the Knights always seem to find a way to win and I’m afraid they’ll do the same this week. UCF 38 Stanford 34 - Will McLaughlin

KJ Costello has been cleared, so I thought that would help keep things close, but Stanford is also missing both of their tackles. That could be a problem against an athletic DL While I’m not impressed by Stanford’s defense, I think they slow this one down enough to hit the under. SP+ likes UCF by as much as 16, and this line has already moved up to UCF -8.5. I don’t love following the money, but I’ll take the extra 1.5 points. Central Florida 31, Stanford 19 (UNDER, UCF Wins and covers) - James Jones

Admittedly, I haven’t watched a whole lot of the Cardinal and I only saw one series of the UCF-FAMU game to start the season. That said, I know defense has started to not be a thing Stanford believes in and that plays directly into the Knights hands. I do think Stanford still has enough to go with the under but they don’t have the offense to stay close. 28-17 UCF - Drew Mac

If that USC team with a freshman backup quarterback can boat race Stanford, UCF should be able to do the same. I’m not familiar enough with either roster this year, but UCF is a sizable favorite in most projections. With the Knights being at home, give me UCF 34-21. - Ryan Sterritt

This is a weird match-up. Stanford in Orlando? What is this world coming to? That’s a long trip for the Cardinal to travel to play a non P5 school. Maybe that affects them a little. 2017-18 National Champions 24-10 - AU Chief

For some reason it always like Stanford is wearing over-large shoulder pads to me and it makes me not like them. That and their triple tight end offense and the fact that their win over Oregon in 2012 was one of the key cogs that put Bama into the title game that year. I hope UCF beats them bad. Knights 38, Stanford 21 - Jack Condon

South Carolina vs Alabama (-25) (O/U 60)

This is the CBS game of the week? Yikes. This one will be over by the 5th Alabama offensive play. South Carolina’s back-up quarterback, Ryan Hilinski, won’t have any success against this defense. Alabama 49, South Carolina 10 - Josh Dub

Remember when folks thought South Carolina would be a threat in the east last year? Welp... New freshman QB Ryan Hillinski looked good against Charleston Southern but I suspect he looks terrible this week. Gary will have all afternoon to fawn over Tua. Alabama 56 South Carolina 10 - AU Nerd

Yucky. As much as I want to see a replay of st. Stephen Garcia’s magnum opus, I don’t think the gamecocks have the horses to get it done this time. Plus I’ve met Steve spurrier and will muschamp is no Steve spurrier. (I haven’t met Steve spurrier) Tide 39, Scar 14 - Son of Crow

‘Member when Stephen Garcia had an out of body experience in 2010 against Alabama? I ‘MEMBER! But this Bama sleepwalking tour through the first 2 months of the season is not getting derailed in Columbia. Though someone will be very mad about winning a road conference game because he secretly hates his current state of affairs. I JUST WANT YOU TO GO FIND SOMETHING IN YOUR LIFE THAT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY, NICK! Bama 48 South Carolina 21 - Josh Black

Let me remind you that Auburn faces Georgia and Florida from the East this year. Alabama faces South Carolina and Tennessee from the East this year. Perhaps balancing the schedules would put more butts in the seats... oh wait, this games actually in Columbia, not Tuscaloosa. Never mind, Alabama rolls, ho hum. Alabama 52 South Carolina 10 - Will McLaughlin

The Gamecocks showed plenty of life on offense last week, even if it was Charleston Southern. I don’t usually like taking a road favorite with this big of a number, but I don’t think this is close. Alabama 41, South Carolina 14 (UNDER, Alabama wins and covers)

This is the toughest play on the board. Not the Bama covering part, but the O/U. I will go that this is a Saban Special. You know, the one where he wins but makes sure he keeps it close enough so you don’t think you should fire your coach because you kept it close with them. If you are thinking, “Drew, that’s dumb. No one thinks that way.” How much time do you have to go over the history of the state of South Carolina? 42-10 UAT - Drew Mac

No Head Ball Coach. No Stephen Garcia. No chance. Plus, former assistants never beat Saban, or ever come close really. Alabama 48-13. - Ryan Sterritt

The Fighting Coach Booms don’t stand a chance here. I feel bad for any Cock fan that has to sit outside in the raging heat and fetid humidity of this 2:30 CDST kickoff to watch this blood letting. Tide 55-6 - AU Chief

Nick Saban will keep it somewhat close by barely playing his starters into the third quarter, and when the third string gives up 10 points late, he’ll go thermonuclear and strangle a reporter or something. He also won’t run up the score on Muschamp too badly, for fear that he’ll get fired and Stephen Garcia may actually come run the offense or something. Bama 48, South Carolina 17 - Jack Condon

Iowa State vs Iowa (-1.5) (O/U 45.5)

Iowa’s quarterback, Nate Stanley, has been the star of the Hawkeyes so far. That’s pretty much the extent of my knowledge here. Iowa 21, Iowa State 14 - Josh Dub

This is actually a fascinating matchup. Iowa has come out strong to start 2019. Iowa State had a lot of preseason buzz then struggled to get by Northern Iowa. All the rankings that use fancy math like the Hawkeyes. Gotta trust math. Iowa 24 Iowa State 13 - AU Nerd

Ohhhhh the greatest tradition of all.....el assico. Iowa state might not be that good...even though they are ranked 26. Iowa? Who knows. This game is always weird and bad and I’m not gonna lie, I probably won’t be watching it. Cy wins 21-14 - Son of Crow

¡EL ASSICO! La batalla de los productores de maíz será una para las edades. Dos equipos que luchan por la supremacía para finalmente demostrar de una vez por todas quién es el mejor maíz. ¿El ganador? Iowa 23 Iowa State 14 - Josh Black

I’ll go out on a limb here since most folks are picking Iowa and take Iowa State. I know the opener against Northern Iowa was UGLY for the Cyclones but at home, they’ll be much more prepared for this one. Iowa State 20 Iowa 17 - Will McLaughlin

EL ASSICOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! We’re robbed of this one being our only ranked game of the weekend by one spot (ISU is “26th”). I think this one will be the best game of the day. Give me the home dog and the over in an Instant Classic. Iowa State 34, Iowa 31 (OVER, ISU wins and covers)

EL ASSICOOOOO!! One of my favorite games for absolutely no reason! If I had to be a B14 fan, I think I would be an Iowa fan, so of course the Hawkeyes win! No reason, but yeah. I think this will happen. 17-14 Iowa - Drew Mac

This game is always dumb and unpredictable, which is the best kind of college football there is. I’m going to be rooting for our farm bros in Ames, but Iowa usually steals this game. Iowa QB Nathan Stanley has been pretty solid through two games, and I’m not sure I trust the Cyclone defense to slow him down. Iowa 27-17. - Ryan Sterritt

I guess this is interesting since it’s the two Iowa teams. I guess. BigXII vs B1G. And not one of the rare fun teams from either conference. Hawkeyes 28-27 - AU Chief

Iowa’s gonna win this and end up being a random team in the top five late at like 11-1 somehow, even though everyone knows they’ll have no chance to get into the playoff. I guess the Hawkeyes win, 23-21 - Jack Condon

Michigan State (-13) vs Arizona State (O/U 44.5)

Herm Edwards! Arizona State 30, Michigan 28 - Josh Dub

This is Michigan State in its purest form. Elite defense, dreadful offense. Herm Edwards has the Sun Devils off to a fast start behind true freshman QB but Sparty’s defense is a different beast. Given Michigan State’s hatred of offense they are always a team that can be upset if their defense gives up some cheap ones but I don’t think that happens here. Sparty gets it done. Michigan State 27 Arizona State 13 - AU Nerd

Jack. Gross. Devils 33-20 - Son of Crow

At the end of this I’m sure we’re all going to say what we’ve been saying for years…we should’ve considered Arizona State. Michigan State 24 Arizona State 10 - Josh Black

Sparty looks to avenge last year’s loss in Tempe. Arizona State struggled to put away Sacramento State last Friday night. Gotta feeling Sparty rolls in this one. Michigan State 34 Arizona State 17 - Will McLaughlin

Ew, really? This is the opposite of El Assico. I hope this game is on the Pac12 network so that I don’t accidentally start watching it. That’s a hilariously low total, but I’m still hammering the under. MSU 17, ASU 6 (UNDER, MSU wins, ASU covers)

Sparty’s offense has looked better for the first time in a decade so there’s that. Herm Edwards still coaches ASU so that’s another thing. I think that’s all we need here. 28-14 Victory for M-S-U - Drew Mac

Michigan State has a really good defense, and they should be able to smother the Sun Devil offense most of the night. Sparty’s offense isn’t too great, though, so I suspect this will be another super low scoring punt fest that East Lansing is so well known for. Give me Herm to win an upset, though. 19-13 Sun Devils. - Ryan Sterritt

Look, I’m a noted Arizona State uniform enthusiast. That’s the only thing that will is getting me to respond to this SECOND MATCHUP OF THE WEEK CONTAINING A B1G TEAM, COME ON JACK. I’m also a noted Herm Edwards skeptic. I’m seeing some places saying to take the over, but I just don’t see that myself. Michigan State isn’t exactly exciting on offense. Sparty 21-13 - AU Chief

Here’s the other team that’ll end up randomly being ranked in the top five late even though they’re no good. Michigan State’s not gonna lose to Herm again, are they? Not this time. Sparty 27, Sun Devils 13 - Jack Condon

BONUS: The best game Saturday to me and it’s not on here is Florida/Kentucky. Kentucky lost its starting QB for the year but Troy transfer Sawyer Smith will take over and I think he’ll be a suitable replacement. Kentucky beat Florida for the first time in my life last year in Gainesville. I think this is a close one but the Gators get the close win. Florida 27 Kentucky 24 - Will McLaughlin

from College and Magnolia - All Posts https://www.collegeandmagnolia.com/2019/9/12/20863250/staff-picks-college-football-week-3

[irishcoffeeslushie]

Nobuta wo Produce review (excerpts) - II

Disclaimer: I didn’t write this, although I wish I had. Source.

The beauty of Nobuta wo Produce is that it doesn’t purport to be anything other than a high school drama, and that’s precisely what makes it so much more than just a high school drama. (Am I even getting my point across? Lol) What I’m trying to say is that the characters are every inch high school kids — no more, no less, neither dumbed down nor savvied up. But they speak from the heart because the writing keeps it all REAL and just lets the characters be themselves, be the thinking, feeling, self-aware teens that they are.

This drama explores the inner universe of adolescence, governed by its own whimsical vagaries and constant flux of emotions. And I love the judicious use of voice-overs as the main characters ponder such things as the future and the uncertainty of life. The dialogue is intelligent without being pseudo-intellectual, complex without being contrived (uh, Dawson’s Creek, anyone? man, talk about a series that tried too hard to be smart and deep and witty, but always felt like it was written by 40-year-olds *roll eyes*). The writing of NwP doesn’t try to be all these, it just IS. Just because the drama is about a bunch of high school kids doesn’t mean it has to be infantile and shallow, nor does it have to play at being implausibly grown-up.

The high school stereotypes are here in NwP, but with a distinctive Jdorama twist. True, the Class Clowns aka the Destiny Duo may not have the most gut-bustingly funny of spiels, but at least they never annoyed me, and always seemed to be having so much fun in their own little world — making funny puns, and punny fun. Beetlejuice Guy would be the closest thing to the resident Obsessive Basket Case, and adds a dash – just a dash! – of signature J-screwiness to the overall flavor of Class 2-B. Only Bando and the Bandettes are given the extreme treatment of all the 2-B students.

The grown-up characters are shown to NOT know all the answers to life, or possess the key to the Fount of Adult Wisdom. They’re mostly shown to be… big kids, really, just more beat-up around the edges and looking the worse for wear, maybe a little wiser and more jaded, and more accepting of the realities and disappointments of life. Hirayama the Tofu Guy (Takahashi Katsumi) provides a solid, comforting presence as Akira’s ever-obliging guardian — though not without his own share of regrets and hang-ups. Hirayama has an interesting dynamic not just with Akira, but with Akira’s volatile CEO father (Masu Takeshi). Both men take their stake in Akira’s upbringing quite seriously, but share an interesting “good cop, bad cop” approach to this responsibility. (LMAO @ the time both grown men bond while assembling the Nobuta keychains in Tofu Guy’s living room!)

I love how the Kiritani family feels like a real family — well, ¾ of a real family. And Nakajima Yuto as Shuji’s li’l bro Koji is the most perfect little boy you will ever lay eyes on… except that this was five years ago and he’s not so little anymore (heh heh). The scenes where the three Kiritani boys (small, medium and large) are just chillin’ at home — dad cooking dinner, Koji doing his homework, Shuji (with that topknot, lol!) patching up a torn sock — are always enjoyable to watch. Ditto the dynamic between Shuji and Koji — case in point: the moment the brothers share in the haunted house in Episode 3 is heartwarming without being hokey. It helps, of course, that Kame and Yuto (then a Johnny’s Jr. who also performed in the “Seishun Amigo” music video, poor kid, lol) share a wonderful on-screen chemistry.

The realism of Nobuta wo Produce doesn’t quite have the gritty, inner-city feel of, say, Dangerous Minds or Stand and Deliver, because there are offsetting moments of hyperreality (e.g. the horrific bullying, the vandalism/sabotage arc, the zany characters) as well as surrealism (e.g. the living spirits, the dream about Santa Claus, and the dream about Aoi) that all add flavor and character to the drama without overpowering its faithful depiction of Planet High School. This balancing act between hyperreal and surreal is a tricky line to tread: a production that exaggerates plot and characters will always feel facile despite any entertainment value (uh, Hana Kimi anyone?), while a drama that is too dependent on fantasy/dream elements can feel rarefied and thus run the risk of alienating the viewer.

The strength of NwP is that it doesn’t skew towards either extreme, but reaches a comfortable — yet dynamic — equilibrium, which is no small testament to the virtuosity of both writing and direction. The finished product retains its solid core of realistic narrative/character development and naturalistic technique, but is complemented by these pleasantly unexpected but contrasting touches of loopy Jdorama hyperbole and floaty phantasmagoria. This drama, ladies and gents, is pure magic realism at its working best.

… Such is the flipside of magic realism, this nebulous nexus of the strange, the dark, the frightening. The drama gives no explanation for the dream, and very wisely leaves it at that.

So, thanks to Nobuta wo Produce I will always, always, always hold Kame and Pi dear beyond words no matter what mess they’ve made — and continue to make — of their post-NwP career trajectories. Maki I remain fond of despite her lackluster performances in Hana Kimi and Kurosagi; I know I’ve been extra hard on her in my past reviews, but only because I think she’s capable of better things and hope a suitable film or TV project will eventually come her way. But my fondness for Maki is cosmically — cosmically I say!!! — eclipsed by all that I feel for Kamenashi of the pencil-thin brows, and Yamashita of the dead-fish stare. Now wait a minute, some of you might ask: How dare she even make that claim? Isn’t this E.G., who uses her blog to flay those boys alive as if there were no tomorrow? Isn’t she the harpy who likes to chain them to a rock and feast on their livers — again, and again, and again?

Er, yes on both counts. It’s haaard to explaiiiin, but the reason I rip these poor boys apart all the time is because I like to play with my food because they mean THIS MUCH to me. (Readers go, “Eeeehhh? Nandeee” *headscratch*) But see, such is the power of Shuji to Akira, that whatever Kame and Pi do in the years to come — whether as J-pop pinups warbling way off-key, or wannabe actors out to carve their own niche in the Leading Man Canon — I will be there to watch them, and love them in spite of it… maybe even because of it. Even if it makes my ears bleed, my eyeballs implode, and my spleen liquefy and dribble out the nearest body orifice (don’t ask which). I am their F-A-N, and their F-A-N for L-I-F-E — and all because of a pair of seventeen-year-old schoolboys who liked to bond over soy milk and take sunset bicycle rides together.

But I’m also the kind of fan who harbors no illusions about Kame and Pi’s dramatic abilities (for Pi, it’s the lack thereof haha); I’ve seen enough of their collective oeuvre (practically all of it, actually *blushes*) to know that Nobuta wo Produce is the best work they’ve ever done, or will ever get to do. (Like I said, that drama was puuure maaaagic!) Since NwP, each boy has made exactly ONE other drama I believe they can be proud of: Tatta Hitotsu no Koi for Kamenashi, and Proposal Daisakusen for Yamashita. (Never mind the rest; the rest are just the necessary evils you slog through to ultimately earn the title of “Kame/Pi Completist.” The reward? A 10-disc set of KAT-TUN+NEWS’ greatest hits. And a lifetime supply of cheap wine. *Kame fans remember Kami no Shizuku and promptly lapse into a coma* And one year’s subscription to AnAn. *Pi fans go: “YamaPi showah… chunyuu!”* Lulzzz)

Between the two, Kame is by far a more natural and versatile actor than his pink-loving seishun amigo; he does drama and comedy better than YummyPi my little Gummi Bear, who really can’t do much but… be himself. That’s why I’ve always thought that Yamashita Tomohisa’s best dramas — Lunch Queen, Stand UP!, and natch, NwP — worked so well because they just let him be his weird, spacey and endearing self — unlike the more recent ones which sucked the sweet, the warmth, the life out of the boy and left this… sleepwalking six-pack with deep-fried hair in his place.

And so, such has been my own “self-revelatory odyssey” that went from knowing nothing about these two boys a little over a year ago, to recoiling from the first photo of theirs (see above) that I came across (and it also made me go, “Egads, these kids look weeeiiirrrrd!” — sounds familiar? well hello-oo E.G.’s KimuTaku Space Odyssey, lol), to acquiring Nobuta wo Produce (I’d heard good things about this netizen hit, but left it on the back burner because of… said photo), to finally giving in and watching the damn drama. And just like my experience with Pride, the rest is history, my embarrassing (and at times, downright incomprehensible) Kame/Pi fangirly devotion lovingly smeared all over this blog. It’s too late to take it back, to act more dignified and unsullied by this dark, guilty pleasure of mine. But, hey — if Nobuta and Akira could live with their weird little selves, I suppose so can I.

And to end this review with the wise words of a Green Day song:

“Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go So make the best of this test, and don’t ask why It’s not a question, but a lesson learned in time It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right. I hope you had the time of your life…”

To Shuji, Akira and Nobuta, I hope you had, and continue to have, the time of your life… because you sure as heck gave me mine.

[johnclapperne]

{#TransparentTuesday} Love is HARD.

I am in the unique position of being recently single, and also spending time with my ex-boyfriend.

This might sound strange, but I love him ridiculously (and have done so for 23 years), and it is my hope that we stay friends forever.

Despite the fact that he did the breaking-up, I’ve been startled by how big, free, loving, and expansive I feel now that we’re not together.

Note: A huge part of this expansion is certainly due to the fact that I spent the last year battling PMDD and have won the battle, for now (thanks, birth control!). The world of mental health issues is very small and dark indeed.

But another part of it has to do with relationships in general, at least in my experience. Specifically, the way we hold completely different expectations for our partners than we do for everyone else— and how those expectations are like soul-poison.

As Tom and I have navigate our way through this breakup, I’ve been completely knocked on my ass to realize how much more love I have for him now than I did when we were together. When he was my boyfriend, I had a lot of… complaints.

I had a lot of needs, and expectations, and demands that weren’t being met, which made me feel hurt and unloved. But the only reason I had these needs expectations, and demands was because his life and future were intertwined with mine, and because every little thing he did affected me, and my life, and most importantly, my future.

Partnering with someone is an incredibly strange thing to do, IMO.

You decide you like someone enough to do life together, and all of a sudden this person’s interests, habits, career, growth, and future plans all affect your life for better or worse. When you were just two people hanging out, their addiction issues, or estranged relationship with their family, or habit of sleepwalking to the fridge and eating everything inside it, these things are just quirks; details that don’t affect you.

But once you make the decision to link your futures together, those things start to matter because they affect you and your life and your future. Things that at first are no problem at all when you were just two people suddenly become problems once you’re partners.

This is why I adore being single, actually. Every single date, the person gets to be literally perfect, because I need and expect absolutely nothing from them. They couldn’t let me down if they tried, so all I feel toward them is appreciation and delight.

I feel the same way about my friends, clients, and strangers of all kinds. Everyone is perfect, and I am able to appreciate and adore them without needing anything in return.

Since I have no expectations and they don’t affect my future in any way, I can love everyone broadly, fully, expansively, and enormously, flaws and all!

This is how it is for me. I felt that way about Tom when we first started dating almost 2 years ago– everything he did was perfect and interesting and wonderful! But once we were partners trying to build a life together, I found myself with a long list of problems.

Inside of a partnership, I have expectations and needs and I am constantly affected by their decisions. Inside of a partnership I take things personally and feel let down and stress about how this will work in the future. That means that inside of a partnership I am much harsher, more critical, less generous, and less loving.

This sucks, because it means the person I love the most gets the least love from me.

Now that Tom and I are no longer together, and I am freed from any expectation of building a future with him, I don’t care how he spends his time, and I don’t feel any need to understand his life choices, and I don’t find a single thing about him “unacceptable.”

As such, I find myself able to see him more clearly, and love him significantly more deeply and fully, than I did when we were together.

He is imperfect, and I find myself able to adore these imperfections again, the way I did before we dated. He is flawed, and extraordinary. Now that his life and personality don’t affect me, I can see with shocking clarity how perfect he is again.

This has happened before, with other partners. After nearly every breakup I’ve ever gone through, actually, I’ve experienced something similar: a restoration of unconditional love and acceptance once they were no longer my partner.

The implications of this realization have given me a LOT to think about.

I certainly hope for a romantic relationship someday that allows me to be as unconditionally loving and accepting (and fun, and expansive!) as I am when single… but I can’t imagine it.

The moment I decide to partner with someone, their life choices and flaws DO affect me, right? So how can I extend them the same kind of generosity and love that I find myself able to extend to everyone else, despite that?

Is there something I need in order to stay centered in my own life, or will the “right person” be someone whose life and future aligns nicely with mine? Maybe a setup where we never lived together would be ideal, or something like polyamory or commune living would help.

Maybe it’s impossible.

After all, there are SO few relationships that I am inspired by, or want to emulate. Most relationships seem to just be an inevitable chipping away at love, a slow subtle loss of intimacy and admiration, and a settling into baggage and resentment.

Perhaps this is the way it always goes.

Having discussed this stuff all week I’m struck by how many people consider it to be just part of the territory when it comes to relationships– it’s not ideal, but what are you gonna do? It was even suggested to me more than once that it’s natural, because we feel safe enough with the people we love most to “let them see our worst selves.”

But I’m not comfortable with that.

I want the person I partner with to feel wholly loved and accepted, supported and respected and admired, and I want the same in return.

I’m fine with someone seeing me fall apart and be triggered and all that, I’m not ok with my partner actually bringing out the worst, smallest parts of myself.

Ah, relationships. They’re such a fascinating thing to unpack and examine!

For the record, I am still interested in partnership, and I have every intention of seeking one when I’m ready again. But while I wait, I examine, and I ponder, and I discuss.

And as always, I’m curious what you think! Hit reply to share your thoughts or perspective! Just know I’m looking for connection and discussion, not advice.

Yours in BIG EXPANSIVE LOVE,

<3 Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Love is HARD. appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

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