#this has been in my craw for a while

[sassygwaine]

thinking about how all my life the way i talk (/write/communicate) has been made fun of:

i talk like a dictionary

i talk like an encyclopedia

i talk like a thesaurus

i talk like a teacher

i talk like i think i’m better than everyone else

that all slowed down into adulthood bc people generally understand it’s weird and a dick move to comment on people’s speech

however i did get one a couple months ago that i can’t stop thinking about:

i write (talk/communicate) like i get a good grade in therapy

bc here’s the fuck of it, and something a lot of people who are familiar with me know: i write how i talk, i write how i experience the world, even if i’m using characters to do it, fiction to do it

and after so long of searching for ways to talk about my experiences, to understand what the hell is going on in my head, to have compassion for all the ways those are different for others, to have that reduced to a fucking meme is a gut punch

[feybeasts]

I really don’t know if this is like. For anyone. But as a 33 year old autistic, I’ve spent a lot of time having to deal with a wide variety of folks in various jobs, and it’s forced me out of my shell. I dunno if you’d call ‘em masking behaviors or just… guidelines, but I thought I’d share some stuff about how I try to go about dealing with socializing with folks, especially neurotypicals, in the hopes it might help folks like me who, growing up, didn’t have a rulebook for this stuff.

It’s by no means comprehensive, but maybe some of you can use it:

Open with kindness, folks are a mystery until you get to know them, but if you’re polite and assume the best unless proven otherwise, nine times out of ten, they’ll be the same way!

If someone is rude or disrespectful or unkind off the bat, it truly is a problem on their end, not yours. I know that’s one your parents might have thrown out without explaining, but genuinely, my experience has been that people aren’t good about compartmentalization, and they tend to let their bad mood spill out.

Similarly, it’s your right to disengage if someone makes you uncomfortable. You don’t owe someone your attention if they’re rude or too forward, and it’s not your obligation to correct their behavior. It’s okay to just move on!

Remember people aren’t mind readers- I know for folks like us, feelings can be Big and Present and Overwhelming, but from the outside, people might just assume you’re being sullen or grumpy. It’s helpful to explain yourself, what’s going on- don’t give ‘em your life’s story and try to lead with kindness, as above, but explaining where your head is at can help folks understand why things might be hard for you.

People REALLY like to try to fix stuff. If you tell someone who cares about you what’s going on and they try to throw a buncha stuff like “well have you tried this” or “maybe you should do this” at you, they’re generally not trying to tell you what to do like you’re wrong, they’re just not sure how to help and are doing what comes naturally- trying to fix the problem. It can help to open any venting with “hey, can I vent about this?” Since then the expectations are set.

People can only operate on the information they have, so it’s better to over-explain than not explain at all. Don’t throw out every single detail of what’s going on, just the basics, but “I’m feeling frustrated because of some unexpected news” or “Well, I’m kinda struggling with my relationship with a friend” can be enough for folks to understand things at the ground floor.

There are very few people in your life who are capable of taking on the weight of a friend’s problems on top of their own, and it takes time to learn who those people are. I know folks like us can make friends quickly and rush into trusting them implicitly, but people can sometimes take a while to show you who they are. And not every friendship is gonna be as deep as we’d like it to be. This is okay, of course, not everyone has to be best buds, but it can help a lot to take the time to wait for those people to show who they are.

Ask questions, listen to people, and know that it’s okay for there to be silence. It’s very easy to get excited about what’s stuck in your craw on a given day, but remember that from the outside, people might get worn out if every conversation is about what you’re fixated on. It’s a give and take, so try to consciously remind yourself to make sure to listen and give them room to speak too! It means a lot when you do that for people!

When you don’t know if someone is ignoring you or if they’re mad at you or what have you from a lack of information, remember that oftentimes it’s a product of ignorance, not malice. Again, you know how you feel about a situation, but they probably don’t. A conversation turning from what you were talking about, someone ceasing replying to you, not answering a question, etc is more often just unaware than they are actively being malicious.

Remember that it’s on other folks to tell you if there’s a problem between them and you, not on you to sleuth it out. If they aren’t properly communicating with you, that’s on them, not you- try not to beat yourself up if someone doesn’t talk to you about something before a molehill becomes a mountain, that’s a mistake all kinda folks make, and it’s something some people never learn.

Most of all, remember that for all the talk of social cues and neurotypical behavior, the truth is, everyone kinda… sucks at this social thing. All you really control is how you approach it, so if you do your best to come into a relationship of any kind with kindness and love for yourself and respect for others, most of the time you’ll come out ahead!

ADDENDUM: BIG one here- if you think you did something wrong, apologize! I don’t mean a big like- sobbing show of contrition, don’t grovel or write paragraphs, but if you speak over someone or say something that doesn’t land or make any little social mistake here or there (everyone does sometimes!) a simple little genuine “oh, my apologies!” Or “oop, my bad!” Not only makes them feel better, it can make you feel better too!

Hope some of these help folks!

[on-a-lucky-tide]

Gaz trains new recruits to outlast and outlive the most brutal interrogations. It takes its toll and Nik is there to pick up the pieces after a particularly difficult session.

cw: mention of torture, best friends Nik and Gaz.

They had been led into the wilderness at gunpoint and made to sit on the ground, their hands behind their heads, for three hours while they waited. Every time their arms dropped, one of their captors pistol whipped them or kicked their ribs until they sat up and returned to their appropriate position. Gaz had arrived in a jeep on time and made them listen to his boots grind through the dirt and each other's grunts as he shoved them about.

He had kept them hooded and stripped them naked, made them stand in the cold and the lashing rain, their backs bent, their bodies exposed to fuck knows what. One called for the umpire, the humiliation of having one of their captors jeer at his 'little prick' shrivelling in the cold was too much. The rest had said their names, their ranks, their serial numbers. Good lads.

He had deprived them of sleep, made them lose track of time, made them stand until their knees gave in and then hauled them to their feet, screaming in their faces. Two called for the umpire after two days. The rest had said their names, their ranks, their serial numbers.

He whipped the soles of their feet with his belt and made them stand in stress positions against the wall, their naked bodies so pale they were turning blue. They lasted. It was when he got to the final phase, their minds broken down to their limit, bodies starved, hungry and cold, that he brought pictures of their families in.

It was the photo of one little girl that stuck in his craw. Usually the recruits were too young to have families. Sometimes they might have a wife, but he'd usually go for their mothers, threatening the most heinous shit until they were begging to tell him what he wanted to know.

This one had a three year old.

Stupid fumble when he was sixteen along with an otherwise Catholic upbringing meant he was a father at nineteen.

Gaz stood staring at the little girl while the trooper sat hooded before him, and had to search deep to find the arsehole that would threaten her life, her innocence. When he tore that hood off and thrust the picture in the lad's face, he saw the horror only a father could show when a monster held his baby at gunpoint. "Tell me, or I'm gonna find her, and I'm gonna have myself even more fun than I've had with you."

The lad broke in twenty minutes. No food, no sleep, no warmth, his mind shredded, he melted down to primal hysterics at the thought of the animal that had brought him so low getting to his daughter. It took two paramedics to support him.

Gaz called it ten minutes later and they headed back to base. The remaining four had passed successfully.

He sat on the roof of the hanger, his legs dangling over the edge, a bottle of Evian clutched in his shaking hands, and tried to find his peace. There was a base therapist on call, but she wouldn't be able to get through the roiling mess of darkness warping his mind in that moment.

Gaz startled as two booted feet appeared at his side. Their owner slumped down moments later, his brown leather jacket brushed against Gaz's puffer jacket. "It is cold up here, sergeant."

"Yeah, needed to clear my head."

"The interrogation training was a success, I hear. The captain is pleased."

"Mm."

Nik reached inside his jacket and pulled out a small bottle of vodka. The cap cracked as he twisted it and Gaz listened to the liquid slosh against glass as Nik took a swig. When Nik offered it across, he shook his head, "Naw, I shouldn't, I've got paperwork."

"Paperwork can wait until the soul has steadied. Drink the vodka. I am pulling rank."

"Nik, you don't have a rank, mate," Gaz said, smiling.

"I was a captain before I left the air force. I maintain it as an honorary rank."

"You're full of shit."

"Even if I am," Nik conceded, "I have your captain in my backpocket and I am sure I could convince him you need to go on leave."

"Cold."

"Baltic, as I believe Sergeant MacTavish would say."

Gaz took the bottle with a chuckle, shaking his head. The vodka wasn't of English origin but Russian and it burned its way down his throat like nothing he'd ever tasted, his eyes watering. "Ahh, fuck me, you lot are next level with this shit."

"Da. It is a national pastime," Nik said, taking the bottle back. They sat in silence for a moment, watching a little fixed wing biplane taxi down the runway for take off.

"Could you fly that?"

"Da."

"Is there an aircraft you couldn't fly?"

Nik scratched his chin thoughtfully. "They have just released a new Sukhoi, I would have to train myself on the new technology."

"A new Sukhoi?"

"Da."

"Nik, that is a fighter jet."

"Da."

"Fuck, you're insanely cool. Leave some badarsery for us mortals."

Nik gave him the side eye and then elbowed his arm. Gaz chuckled, and they fell silent again. The sun was setting and it would be dark soon. Hereford was beautiful this time of year, with all the oranges and golds of autumn splashed over the woodlands. Woodlands in which Gaz had just tortured their own people. His shoulders slouched.

"How do you do it? What Price asks you to do."

Nik didn't need to ask for specifics. He knew why they were sitting on the roof of a hanger on a late autumn evening. "I do what needs to be done to achieve our goal. I believe your captain says it best: we get our hands dirty, so that others can stay clean."

"Doesn't it eat you? Doesn't it like... get up in here," he tapped his temple, "make you worry you're... a fuckin' monster, like you don't deserve to... to be around normal people."

"Sometimes," Nik said. "But I made my peace with it a long time ago. You will too."

"It's the kids, man. The... one of 'em, they had a daughter and I..."

Nik nodded and let Gaz lapse into silence. He lifted a hand to settle on his shoulder. "You are a good man, Kyle Garrick. When I say you make your peace, I do not mean you will stop feeling... this. If you did, you would not be you."

"Then maybe I'm not cut out for this. Maybe I should..." he swallowed, "...maybe I should leave."

"It is precisely because you feel this way that you are cut for this. Do you think Price is heartless?"

"No, he's... He's just... He's Price. Some kinda superhuman motherfuckin' SAS machine."

Nik chuckled. "Nyet, John is human. Very human."

There was something tender in the way that Nik said Price's name that made Gaz look up, his brow furrowed. Very human. "How many times have you had this conversation with him?"

"Many times. Not on so many roofs, but... the words have been the same. The look on his face."

"Seriously?"

"Da." Nik placed his hands between his thighs to keep his fingers warm, swinging his legs. "He threw a hostage off a roof once to save the others. The bomb vest they were wearing... He couldn't get it off. I found him pacing his office like a lion trapped in a tiny cage. The cage was in his head, made of self doubt and anger. He was telling himself there had been a way but he just had not seen it."

Gaz nodded. "How did you.. how did he come round?"

"By realising he is just a man. He made a choice so someone else did not have to. He saved lives. The greater good. Just as your specialism saves lives. That young man may survive one day because of what you taught him."

Gaz sighed and took the vodka back for another swig. "I guess we all gotta figure out just how far we're willing to go for our greater good."

"Da."

"Has Price?"

Nik hummed. "I think... if you stop wondering, then it is time to stop altogether. Every choice has consequences. If we do not consider them, then we are not governed by any good."

Perhaps it was the vodka, or even the relief Gaz felt with Nik at his side, the realisation that even his hero felt the way he did, that sometimes he just needed to work through it to the otherside, but he shook his head, smiling. "You Tolstoy talkin' motherfucker, wow. Have you thought about writing?"

"I might have dabbled..."

"No. Way. Nik, please... I need to see."

"Nyet, it is private."

Gaz gasped. "Is it... Is it saucy? Nik, did you write smut?"

Nik folded his arms and raised his eyebrow.

"Nik, Nik, please... Oh, oh, is it about Price? Nik, is it about Price? It's about Price, oh my god."

"I will throw you off this building if you tell him."

Gaz whooped and cackled, falling onto his back in the gravel. Nik watched him, grinning, and snatched the vodka back for a swig.

Gaz was a good man. He would be fine. Sometimes the greater good took chunks of you with it, but humans were hardy, they could heal, bounce back. With the right people around them, of course.

[aeongstarss]

jealousy - somun x reader

warnings: drinking

genre/type: fluff, comedy, slight crack, jealous somun!! y/n

wc: 1k

synopsis: you and the counters get a new teammate, but he seems to grow a liking to you quickly. a liking that somun doesn't seem fond of.

title track: teddy bear - kim sejeong

a/n: hi all! since I made you guys wait forever for my last fanfic (go check it out) I decided to write a quick little one shot! I hope you all enjoy!

You and the counters scramble around the noodle shop preparing to welcome your new teammate. While Somun and Hana bicker about whether or not the decorations are centered, you help Ms.Chu and Motak set the table. 

You feel your phone vibrate and check the notification, “Guys! He’s one minute away!” Everyone drops what they’re doing and you all stand in front of the door, wanting to make a good impression on your new teammate. Somun notices that you’re feeling nervous, so he calms you down with a quick kiss and a smile. The counters are so desensitized to you and Somuns PDA at this point, so they continue shuffling around and straightening their clothes. 

The chairman walks in with your new teammate. He is tall with curly hair, but the most eye-catching part about him was the pore strip sitting on his nose. 

“This is your new teammate!” the chairman exclaims happily. You all bow and smile at him. He bows, “I’m Jeokbeong! It’s an honor to be a part of your team!” he says through a stutter. You all smile awkwardly, introducing yourselves. 

You bow again, introducing yourself. “I’m Y/N, it’s nice to meet you Jeokbeong!” you say through a smile. Jeokbeong stares at you and Hana with his mouth open. The chairman laughs trying to shift the awkward energy until Jeokbeong exclaims that you two are beautiful. 

You and Hana laugh and thank him. Somun has never been the jealous type, so he pays no attention to this; he knows you are beautiful. 

Once everyone has introduced themselves, Ms.Chu motions for everyone to take a seat at the table to begin eating. You sit down first, waiting for Somun to sit next to you like he usually does, but the person who sits next to you tonight is not Somun. 

Jeokbeong sits right next to you and stares at you with a smile. You awkwardly smile and move over a bit since he was too close for comfort. Somun sits across from you, not paying mind to Jeokbeong once again. 

Secretly, you wish Somun was more possessive. You want to sit with him, but he’s too worried about the food in front of him to say something. So you allow Jeokbeong to stare at you while you all eat. 

With the 4 hours of talking and drinking, it’s safe to say everyone is pretty drunk. Jeokbeongs attention has been off and on between you and Hana, so you just assume he wants a new friend. 

He has made a few moves on you, and you have noticed Somuns patience running low. Jeokbeong has played with your hair, tried to feed you, and continuously complimented you the whole time he’s been here. 

You thought Jeokbeong was just being friendly, until he puts his arm around you, using the fake yawn method. You jump and go to punch his arm off, but before you make contact with him, he’s already laying on the floor wincing in pain.

You look at him with wide eyes, covering your mouth in shock. “Jeokbeong! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to hit you that hard!” you say through panicked laughter, finding his situation funny. 

He sits up and stares at Somun. You turn to Somun, but he is sitting there eating like nothing happened. “It was him!” Jeokbeong yells, pointing his finger at Somun. Somun looks up from his bowl, trying to act innocent. You laugh, hitting his arm from across the table. “You didn’t have to try and kill him babe! I thought we agreed not to use our powers on each other.” you yell through laughter. Jeokbeong stops his whining immediately and stands up. “Babe?” he asks with an exaggerated rising tone. 

Hana laughs, pointing at you and Somun. “They’re dating” she explains to Jeokbeong. He continues his whining, crawling on his knees to hug you. Before he can touch you, he freezes. Somun is staring at him like Jeokbeong is asking to be flung again. 

“Do you want to die this time?” Somun asks in a serious tone. Even his seriousness scared you. A childish “Oooo” comes from Motak while he sits back enjoying the tension. 

Jeokbeong frantically shakes his head no and apologizes to Somun. “I’m sorry I didn’t know!” You all laugh, as all of this is happening while you’re all intoxicated. 

“Somun, I didn’t even know you could use your powers while drunk!” Ms.Chu speaks up. Somun chuckles softly and continues eating. 

Jeokbeong stands up and hesitantly sits next to you again, this time with a 14 inch distance between you two. Somun shoots him a playful wink, clicking his tongue. 

After about an hour and a half of everyone laughing and talking, it’s time for everyone to head to bed. Ms.Chu stands up, signaling for everyone to go to their rooms. While Jeokbeong stands up, she grabs him by his collar. “If you’re going to be a part of this team, you help me do the dishes.” Jeokbeong whines, watching everyone walk off to their rooms. 

“Goodnight Jeokbeong!” you say through a drunk slur; Somun closing the door behind you two. 

You sit down on the bed sighing. “So... what do you think of him?” you ask Somun. “I think... I don’t like him.” he responds while changing into pajamas. You laugh, knowing exactly why he feels this way. 

“Somun! You were so happy this afternoon. Plus Jeokbeong is drunk, I’m sure he’ll forget about it tomorrow.” you explain to Somun. 

This seems to irk him as he walks up to you. 

He grabs your face and places a kiss upon your lips. He pulls away staring into your eyes. “You’re mine, okay? You better hope he forgets tomorrow!” he whines. You laugh at his cuteness, nodding your head. 

“and if he doesn’t forget. I’ll kill him!” he says through a pout. You continue laughing, standing up to hug Somun. “Don’t worry,” you say reassuring him. “If he doesn’t, I can ask Hana to erase his memories.” 

“Hey, weren’t you the one saying we shouldn’t use each other's powers on each other?” he asks. “I’ll allow it this time” you say. 

Somun smiles, giving you another kiss. He grabs your hand dragging you to bed. He exhales, “Okay okay, let’s forget all about this,” You nod in agreement. “Goodnight, I love you.” he says. 

“Goodnight, Somun. I love you too” you respond, snuggling into his warm chest; falling asleep.

[hellspawnmotel]

It's a shame about Astro Boy Epsilon 2003's design to be steeped lowkey in this "Well he's the most feminine of those seven robots so why not turn him into a girl" because his design is genuinely cute there, but also because of his more pacifist manners + caring nature, really sends an odd implication when it comes to turning of any of the famous robots from Astro Boy into a girl imho. Your comic really shined a light on that which I really enjoyed and it reminded me how while I enjoyed Astro boy 2003 it has its grounds to cover by how it changes things around

yeah I had the exact same thoughts! it's odd too that in 2003, epsilon doesn't retain the main qualities that make him such an interesting character- those being that he's a caretaker of human children, and his brief relationship with pluto. the former especially seems like such a missed opportunity given how much of a theme robot-human relationships are in the anime. we see plenty of other robots taking care of human children and the conflict that causes, so I don't see why one of those instances couldn't have been epsilon. it wouldve been a really smart way to integrate them more heavily into the plot. my only idea is the writers thought like "well if we make our only recurring powerful female robot a literal mother figure that feels pretty reductive" but it's not like the show isn't already sexist in other ways? and the consequence is that epsilon loses the things that made the audience care about him and becomes a pretty flat character. every other version of epsilon dies protecting a child. 2003 epsilon is defeated because she's worried about some random dolphins. it's kind of an emotional downgrade.

I don't mean to be overly negative though- I actually just finished watching the show last week and it was amazing. it had a perfect ending, which isn't something I can say for many things. AND most of the episodes range from "great" to "mindblowingly awesome and heartwrenching". there's so many good things to say about it- which is exactly why I get so critical of its few flaws, especially when it comes to things that felt like a downgrade from the manga. they stick out like a sore thumb! I could make plenty of complaints about the manga too (and I have, to my friends) but that doesn't stick in my craw as much because the manga is much less consistent in terms of quality. astro boy 2003 is a fantastic show and a really really smart adaptation apart from like, two things. and to be fair they're only things that will really bother you if you read the manga first, which I did. so if anyone reading this is an astro boy fan (or just likes robots tbh) and hasnt watched it for some reason...... do that. it's incredible, seriously. don't let my complaining scare you away.

[golbrocklovely]

alright…. i went and saw snc's movie.

here are my thoughts

ABSOLUTE SPOILERS AHEAD

i'm gonna separate this into two main parts - the plot and my feelings.

THE PLOT

part 1: snc and nate go to ranch to look for skinwalkers/aliens/crypted, since all three have been sighted at this one ranch. it is claimed that a billionaire owned the land before the current owners, and spent ten years trying to find out what paranormal pull the land had. eventually, said billionaire, named bigalow, fucked around with something that pissed off the spirit of a shaman and it scared him away, so much so he does not talk about or come back to this place ever.

snc interview a psychic/ghost hunter that has been on their channel before, becky vickers. she tells them about the land, and they end up telling her that they plan on doing a blood ritual. they plan to give their blood to the land on a sacred area/believed portal so that the shaman can protect them, guide them, ect. she tells them that's a stupid idea. then she says to them "off camera", which is completely still in the movie lol, that sam needs to be careful. bc while colby is safe/worked thru whatever was blocking him, sam hasn't. there is something that sam is holding back/keeping to himself that puts him in danger, and he needs to let that go. she also says it's dumb for them to do the blood ritual and she suggests against it.

they do the blood ritual.

as snc and nate search the land, they start off in some rooms in a hotel that they are staying at on property, one of which is where bigalow saw the shaman. they have a rempod, nate does the estes method, they get some interesting words said back to them. one of which is "chimes". colby goes out to search for chimes near by. when he does, the video he was recording has no audio (somehow it did not record audio and this was on his phone). he finds chimes, in tandem with that, nate gets the word "run". colby alleges to hear a scream off in the distance (which mind you they are in the middle of no where) so he runs back to the room where nate and sam are. as they are talking about it, the rempod goes off a bunch. one of the last words they get on the estes method is "preserver"

part 2: the next day they interview the archeologist on cite that explains the different artifacts they have found throughout the land. in particular, this long knife-like blade that must have been used as an offering of some sort bc it's too long to be used as a spear/arrowhead. he talks to them about specific areas on the land, particularly the shaman cave and sacred circle. he explained that shamans were trying to connect to the spirit realm or possibly other dimensions altogether via alter states of consciousness. and it's believed that bigalow was trying to see what the shamans were doing, but thru modern means, and most likely pissed something off that caused him to flee.

in particular, they say that bigalow was doing too much, searching too hard and pushing the limits, and thus that's why he was scared off. keep this in mind for later.

the archeologist then says that bigalow was disturbing the land, and then snc and nate ask if they should do that to get the shaman's attention. he says that's one way of getting it to pay attention to you, and then it cuts to them blowing the land up a bit.

at night, snc and nate go the settlers cabin, which is from the 1800s and was home to the craw family. they use the onvoy and they ask the spirits about skinwalkers and the shaman. when they bring up the shaman's name, the (assumed) craw family stops speaking even tho before they were very talkative. the boys come to the conclusion that the poltergeist activity the craw family experience was most likely from the shaman.

the boys regroup and try to figure out a better way to understand everything. bc of the evidence they have gotten before, they believe that everything is connected (since that is what has been coming thru via the estes method), so they figure the best way to get more evidence is to do a ritual a shaman would do - which really just amounts to them lighting candles inside the cave and nate playing guitar, and doing the estes method again - but i'm getting ahead of myself.

part 3: they travel to the sacred circle and bring out *sigh* the writing planchette, along with the blade that was found in the land via the archeologist. they end up getting an infinity sign after being spooked by the static device they have going off (which shouldn't happen since there's no electricity that high up/no service at all). they believe it is whatever they are talking to/the shaman's way of explaining that again, everything is all connected and time means nothing bc everything is happening all at once. also when this happens, colby gets a lot of shortness of breath, anxiety all of sudden. nate meditates for a bit while they use the flashlight to continue talking. they end up being told that the land is haunted by aliens, skinwalkers, and ghosts. then they ask if they should continue this convo in the shaman cave, they get a yes, and then they go.

while in the cave, nate plays guitar and snc set up candles all over. colby goes under in the estes method, sam feels wind come from inside the cave. colby (via the estes method) tells him to go over there, sam squats down, and then jumps back up bc he felt as if he was gonna be touched - not that he was, but that he felt the instinct to get up bc he thought it was gonna happen. the shaman speaks and says that it's there to educate and to teach respect, most likely, to the boys.

nate asks the very valid question of "what are our intentions here anyway" to which sam responds that they are purely here to understand the difference between this side (the physical) and the other side (paranormal). to which immediately after saying that colby replies with "connected". they ask how is everything, the aliens, ghosts, and skinwalkers, connected. colby eventually replies with "same". they mention is this area, the cave, a portal, colby says "here".

as sam ponders whether or not the shamans were actually contacting the other side or actually going to the other side, colby says "danger", nate and sam jump back and take colby out of the estes method bc they heard behind them something running up to them from right outside the cave. they weren't sure if it was a person or an animal. eventually once they chill out, colby goes back under. sam ends up asking the shaman why they do rituals like this for 1000s of years on this land, going back and forth between worlds. colby replies with "mine". then "everything", then "home". sam then says "everything here is your home and you want to protect it?", colby immediately responds with "yes". sam (and colby) clarify that the shamans were using the spirits to help protect their land. sam continues to ask "but what about all the aliens, skinwalkers, ghosts - are they all yours too?" then colby responds with "one". nate then says "he wants us to unsee the division. ghosts, skinwalkers, humans, shamans, all of it. we all exist in the same place at the same time" and colby replies with "finally". once out of the estes method, colby ends up being told what he said and he said it sounds like the unified theory of paranormal.

snc and nate finish off the blood ritual, and then there is some truly terrible acting at the end with a voiceover of snc talking about how they knew they had to leave there and that this opens up so many doors and colby has the truly heinous line of "*sigh* but why am i scared?" lol

okay….. that is what happens in the movie, roughly. let's get into how i feel about all of this.

MY FEELINGS

so, the main question i feel many will ask is: is it worth going to see?

and that's a complicated answer. i think the movie overall was really interesting to watch. it was an odd sensation, but i mean that in the nicest way possible, to see snc on the big screen. snc have always, weirdly, been my little secret. most ppl i interact with daily don't know i'm a fan of them. so to be in a room with other snc fans, some of which might be even bigger fans than me, watching something by them was really cool and odd at the same time lol

is the movie worth paying to watch? that depends on how you feel about snc and their content. bc this wasn't much different than anything else on their channel. but i will say if this had been a vid on their channel, it would be my favorite of this past year. so it's definitely their best content as of recent date. but is it worth paying $15 for (not taking in food and drink/getting to the cinema)… i think so. bc it's a whole experience. so if you can afford it, do so. but if you can't, don't think you're missing out on much either.

i enjoyed my time watching the movie, and i don't personally think i've wasted my money paying to see this. god knows i've spent my money on much worse content and random shit, so this is the least of my concerns truly.

also the rumors are true - they do in fact use a fuckton of ai. like way more than i expected. and while i don't love that they did that, i honestly don't care enough to be upset. i feel like there are more important things to worry about tbh. but in case that's a point of contention for you, imma letting you know now.

the overall vibe i got from the movie was very hippy dippy, and sam his philosophical ass was at an all time high, so if that's not exactly what you like watching… maybe skip out on this movie.

a post i made the day i saw this movie said: my main take away is that sam would literally summon the devil, lucifer himself, if it meant proving the afterlife was real or that the paranormal does exist. but he won’t admit that out loud. and what i mean by that is that it became very clear in this movie, and probably on accident, that there is a similarity between bigalow and sam. that they both keep pushing and pushing and pushing to find answers instead of accepting what is in front of them, and that gets them put into danger. and i think that's what the ghost hunter/psychic was referring to.

i've talked about it before on here but sam has a tendency to always jump to the worse conclusion. it's not a ghost, it's a demon. it's not a friendly spirit, it's a trickster trying to hurt them. he always does shit like this. and i think this ties to him seeking out "the truth", whatever that may be in his mind. he wants definitive proof that the afterlife exists. and i think for a while he had that with the conjuring/cody and satori. but i think he's come around to the idea that maybe they were fake or lied to him or tricked him, even if he will never admit this out loud. and now that desperation is at an all time high. and look, idk what this deep feeling comes from. is it bc he wants to be the person that truly knows what happens behind the curtain? is it to have the title as The Ghosthunter? is it just not enough alone to him to have faith and after years of searching that maybe everything they have done is enough proof on it's own? idk. i think his search is selfish in it's own way, and while i don't think it's wrong to want that answer, i think what's worrisome is how far he might go to find it. which is why i say i think he would summon the devil if he thought it would be proof enough.

but the thing is, once you knock on a door, you can't unknock. and not only that, but he doesn't protect himself. and i'm not even talking about believing in god, i'm saying he does nothing to cleanse himself. he does nothing to get out of that headspace after being in it. and i think that alone, whether you believe in evil or not, is gonna ruin him eventually. he's gonna push himself too far in pursuit of an answer he may not want to hear. and not only that, i think he will push everyone away to find it, sadly. including colby.

i also personally think that the reason for this desperate search for an afterlife not only comes from wanting to know the answer, but bc of his "purpose". he wants to feel important; we all do. and i think in his mind it's like this, either a - he doesn't feel like he's gonna reach this said purpose on this plain of existence and thus if there is an afterlife, he might have it there instead and all of this can be a little less burdensome. b - he wants to be the one to prove the afterlife exists and have that be his purpose so if he doesn't find it, he's lost at life. or c (which is related to b) - if there isn't an afterlife at all, then all of this was for nothing and he needs to find something else to both fill his time and be his purpose otherwise he wasted his potential.

i'm not saying that i agree with any of these, but i think that one of these is the reason he does all of this. or maybe not lol

overall i think i would rate this movie like a 3.8/5 stars. it would honestly be a 4 if it wasn't for the ai bc at one point, it was just a bit much lol but i think the movie itself was interesting enough, i felt entertained thru out, and again - if this had been on their channel it would be their best video this year.

if yall have seen it, let me know your thoughts !

[marta-bee]

More Aldarion & Erendis time. I want to take a step back from all the fun character-drama between our titular leads and talk a bit about the political situation. It's definitely turning how I think of the Numenor story on its head, but in a good way.

I've always thought of Numenoreans as prideful men who saw themselves as better than other men, their natural rulers, etc. Very imperial stuff. Very prideful generally, and pride goeth before, etc. Their thinking they could bring Sauron as a captive into their own land. The very questioning of mannish mortality. It's what did them in in the end.

A&E is set in a much earlier time though. Aldarion is only five generations removed from Elros, and was only born about 250 years after Elros died. And for the most part they're unconcenred with the wider world. You see this in Meneldur's pushing Aldarion to remain in Numenor and not go adventuring abroad, long before he married Erendis or even began courting her. His first duty was to love and know his own land, and for the people of Numenor to know him. It feels isolationist, but I don't take it in the modern Trumpian sense or even the America staying out of WWI while Europe bled and died sense. There's this idea that the Numenoreans have been given a gift of peace and having enough, and it's their job to live in that and let it heal their national soul.

Gil-Galad sends Tar-Meneldur a letter that changes that.

Ereinion Gil-galad son of Fingon to Tar-Meneldur of the line of Eärendil, greeting: the Valar keep you and may no shadow fall upon the Isle of Kings. Long I have owed you thanks, for you have so many times sent to me your son Anardil Aldarion: the greatest Elf-friend that now is among Men, as I deem. At this time I ask your pardon, if I have detained him overlong in my service; for I had great need of the knowledge of Men and their tongues which he alone possesses. He has dared many perils to bring me counsel. Of my need he will speak to you; yet he does not guess how great it is, being young and full of hope. Therefore I write this for the eyes of the King of Númenórë only. A new shadow arises in the East. It is no tyranny of evil Men, as your son believes; but a servant of Morgoth is stirring, and evil things wake again. Each year it gains in strength, for most Men are ripe to its purpose. Not far off is the day, I judge, when it will become too great for the Eldar unaided to withstand. Therefore whenever I behold a tall ship of the Kings of Men, my heart is eased. And now I make bold to seek your help. If you have any strength of Men to spare, lend it to me, I beg.

Should they keep living in peace, content in their little island's safety, or should they start preparing for war? And Meneldur knows he can't decide, abdicates the throne, and lets Aldarion step in.

It's a good impulse, to help, but it's borne out of a morally rotten premise. This is Sauron, of course everyone should help. But to think that the Numenorean uniquely are able to help, and that the men of Middle-earth are incapable of resisting Sauron sticks in my craw. It sets up the Numenoreans as having a natural nobility somehow missing from other men. Where what Glorfindel should be doing is recognize the potential for good in the humans not yet caught under Sauron.

Perhaps he's doing that too, or at least trying to. But the point is, I don't think the Numenoreans get to see that. They think they're specially responsible for resisting Sauron, which makes them special and other men almost chattel.

As an American, I'm feeling more than a bit seen, and not in a good way.

As a Tolkien fan, I'm a bit uncomfortable with how much I suspect Tolkien accepted this. It's not a stretch to imagine him viewing the English as the protectors and saviors of all those grubby men who could not be trusted to govern themselves. (Talking about Africans, Asians, and all sort of then-British colonies here.) I need to think about whether the rest of the Numenor story is a critique of that idea; whether this belief in their own superiority and their being central to fighting against Sauron was a subtle kind of pride that led to their fall or whether he thought of that later pride as something else entirely.

I like thinking they're connected because it makes for a better story. But I'm not sure if it's what Tolkien meant here. I know if he meant Gil-Galad's assessment to be genuine, I don't like that.

[that-left-turn]

The title is boggling me. Do you think Mel signed the contract for the Daryl Dixon show or was it still under Pilgrim or unnamed at that time?

We can't read minds but I'm sure she signed for their original Caryl show and not Daryl. Is there even now a chance for a change? While filming, it's called DD S3, so TBOC is gone for good.

No, we can't read minds, but Melissa's current deal is not the one she initially signed for the Caryl show. (That contract was for TWD S11 and S1 of the defunct spinoff, plus any appearance(s) on any TWDU show.) Based on knowledge of what TV contract negotiations entail and how long they usually take, we can make a decent estimate of the timeline. The show's title appears to have changed to Daryl Dixon sometime during S1 post; you can see from the slates and prop boxes they used during the shoot that it was known as Raise the Dead. I believe @my-mt-heart has outlined the likely timeframe for Melissa's negotiation multiple times, so in the interest of keeping this post concise, I won't get into the details of that.

TALENT AGENTS

First of all, for those who don't know, talent doesn't participate in negotiations with the studio. It's handled by intermediaries: studio lawyers and the actor's reps. Agent commission ranges from 10-20% depending on the specific agreement they have, so it's in their interest to negotiate the best deal they can for their client. It's not a good deal to be the lead on a show named after another character. It lowers the actor's authority and would stick in the craw of any halfway decent agent. The title is something Melissa's reps would have fought tooth and nail if they'd been aware of the change.

ACTOR SALARIES

AMC is well-known for underpaying their female performers. (The adult women were making less than teenage Chandler did.) During the TWD hiatus, Melissa still worked as a casting agent for the first few seasons because she needed the income. Before S4 she changed representation from a local Atlanta agency to one of the big talent agencies in LA and that's how she got her name in the title cards, more screentime and better pay, because they were better equipped to handle more high-profile productions.

Lauren tried to squeeze AMC during her negotiations ahead of S9, but AMC refused to budge on their offer and instead of the women closing in on the pay gap, Norman's new deal absorbed the money they used to pay Andy, which I believe was around 650K or so. Towards the end of the flagship show, Melissa had enough leverage to get a good deal when she negotiated for the final season, but she was still just paid a fraction of what AMC offered Norman.

THE BOOK OF CAROL

TBOC was only ever intended to be a season subtitle. It wasn't the new title of the show. It was a 'concession' TPTB made to look like they were magnanimous in accommodating the new lead on an already established show—Melissa's reps would have contacted them to complain as soon as they knew about the title change. In reality, AMC needed the viewers who would tune in for more Carol or Caryl and a subtitle was a cheap way of advertising her return.

REBRANDING

The studio decides what a show is called, so AMC can rebrand DD at any time if they want to. It's an expenditure, but they're willing to throw out large sums on advertising to people who will never be interested in their show, so changing the title into something that'd net them a bigger profit would make more financial sense. But then again, creating a show that's enjoyable to fans and engaging enough to draw in new viewers also makes sense and that's not the direction AMC has chosen thus far.

They could also unveil a new title later, when it's time to promote S3 or when things look so dire that they have to roll out a lure to keep Carylers on the hook. That's what I expect to happen. TPTB know segments of the fandom will be all over a Carol-inclusive title, which will generate buzz for them, but they still need to be held accountable for producing content you want to see. I don't believe the current creative team is capable of delivering an emotional arc worthy of either Carol or Daryl. To be honest, I'm scared of what Caryl canon would look like with Zabel at the helm, but you might get a better title for S3 if AMC is desperate to hold onto your viewership.

[megtheuntalented]

Nagini slithers through perfectly cut grass, trying to smell where such familiar magic has come from.

Nagini has traveled very far. After she felt the connection to her master snap, she was left wandering alone, trying to find whatever scraps of magic he left behind. It has been a long journey. Nagini has had little to no luck finding anything that remains of her master. The best she could sniff out were faint impressions of his magic. Nothing that could sustain her. But then, while traveling through the muggle part of London as a shortcut, she licked a beautiful whiff of her master's magic. Now, she's been following the trail for four days, trying to find the source.

She stops slithering when she catches sight of a small boy with jet black hair. He looks like he's wrestling with the useless plants in what Nagini assumes to be a garden.

Nagini takes the chance to taste the air again. The trail of master's magic leads straight to the boy. She determinedly slither closer to get a better taste.

Once she's hidden among the watermelons, Nagini flicks her tongue out once more. She lets out a surprised hiss. The hatchling doesn't just smell like master, no, he smells more like her! He's a vessel for the master too!

She swivels her eyes back to the oblivious hatchling. That begs the question, why is the hatchling in a place with no magic?

Her green body shines as she slithers up to the boy, finally catching his eye. He jumps and whirls to face Nagini with cautious curiosity.

"Why are you here, little boy," Nagini hisses to him. The hatchling's eyebrows pull together as he responds, "I live here, snake. I didn't know snakes could talk. What's your name? My name's Harry!"

Nagini wouldn't be surprised if the boy was sorted into Ravenclaw, as her master almost was. "My name is Nagini, and snakes can't talk the human language, you can talk the snake language," Nagini easily replies.

Harry blinks a couple of times, then frowns. "That doesn't make sense," he says in a small voice, "I've never met anyone else who can talk to snakes."

"That is because you are magic, child. Now tell me, what are you doing with muggles?"

Harry seems to ignore Nagini's question. "I'm... magic? But magic isn't real! I'm just a freak!" Nagini hisses out a sigh. "You are magic, or else you wouldn't be talking to me. Did you not know what you are?"

Harry gapes for a second, "No, I just... I just thought that I wasn't normal. My relatives seem to think so." The hatchling sighs mournfully as gazes back to the house behind them.

That's an easy fix for Nagini, "I'll kill them then." Harry whips back around to Nagini, "No! You can't just kill them! What?!" He tries to grab for Nagini, but she's already slithering to the house.

"No, stop!" Nagini give in to the little hatchling, and turns her head to face him, "Why not? They obviously don't like you, and anyone who doesn't like something of the master's should perish."

Harry ignores the master comment for now and replies, "You can't just kill whoever you want. I-it's wrong!"

Nagini sigh-hisses again but relented, "I still do not understand why I can't kill them, but I will wait for now." She slithers up to Harry and craws up his leg to rest on his waist and shoulders. Harry wobbles a bit under her weight. "Instead I will protect you, until you can defend yourself."

The hatchling hurriedly shakes his head, "You can't do that either," He squirms under Nagini, "They would just hurt you, too."

"I would not let them hurt me," Nagini says simply. Harry still looks unconvinced, so she adds, "It's either this or their deaths, little hatchling." Harry swallows as sweat slips down his forehead. He takes a small breath before giving in, "I guess you can stay. But please try and stay hidden."

Nagini bears her fangs in a grin, "I'll try my best little hatchling." Harry sighs before going back to plucking useless plants out of the garden.

[derangedhyena-zoids]

Hello, back with more disturbing, fucked up Zi biology facts re: Organoids. I'M SURE EVERYONE IS VERY EXCITED (or running away, idk) It always has bothered me I didn't have a solid behavioral bead on how Organoids went from hunting Zoids to teleporting/fusing with cores. Apparently my brain has been thinking about it on some secret extra backburner because I just thought of this all suddenly the other day:

Zoids in general have something like this as a "nervous system" of sorts as relates to their cores. wild and zoidian zoids were more organic-ish while modern zoids' are basically purpose-built

this is sort of how the conduit stuff grows (top) vs is is "populated" (bottom), but the end result is basically the same. You have a core "nerve" suspended in matter in a tube. this blueprint of internal conduit is true for all Zoids, including, Organoids. Except with Organoids the concept just went utterly batshit. so while a huge amount of Organoids' evolutionbeing so conduit-heavy had to do with reproduction (re: adding a whole new step to encase core buds in protective eggs) it also had to do with a heavily-utilised feeding strategy. As I've talked about before, Organoid colonies are hypersocial - they maintain individuality but are all attached to their colony's hivemind. This made them really distressing predators - because while they were smaller than much of the Zoid megafauna they hunted, they did so in groups ranging from a pack to a swarm. One that could perfectly coordinate at all times.

If you're familiar with how wild dogs/hyenas/etc tend to go after their prey you might see where this is headed. I'd post a picture but that'd be kinda rude on random folks' timelines, so if you really don't know google youtube videos of african wild dogs killing large herbivores. basically pack carnivores usually go for weak points like orifices to start ripping into things. which works great when the whole prey is made of food... but Zoids are encased in a lot of armor and the best parts are very difficult to get to. which would actually lead to extremely protracted and dangerous hunts because it takes so long to destroy enough of the Zoid to actually immobilize it

SO the genesis of the whole fusion concept actually lies in the strategy Organoids as a species tried to solve this with - attacks that could directly target the core. Basically a swarm of Organoids overwhelming something, chewing holes in it to access the "conduit" - then, while the Zoid is being overwhelmed by a bunch of Organoids still attacking it, a number of them cling on and shove their own, much smaller cablings up through these 'conduit veins', damaging things and eventually getting access to the core chamber. refresher from my organoid anatomy bullshit - there's three types of this cabling:

one of these is GI - these type usually connect to the craw/stomach but they don't have to (I realized in writing this last night/today that there's some function "rules"/descriptions for these cables I've never articulated, but I've had those in mind for a long time, I'll write them down sometime soon I guess) but re: everything above, In what's basically a starfish move Organoids shove their own fucking guts up directly into a Core to start feeding on it. It's very miniscule individually, but multiplied it'll rapidly damage and collapse the Zoid's core, stopping (and killing) the prey for Everyone

When Organoids became more benign, and Zoids weren't hostile to their presence, they found they could accomplish this same basic thing individually without, yanno, all the Horrifying and Death, so. everyone was happier the end

thanks for coming to my fucked up ted talk. that's why you follow this blog right? lmao

[jacqcrisis]

I’ve had this idea stuck in my craw that I've been bothering collaborating with @clinic-crew of a BG3 modern AU, but by modern AU, I mean it’s the same fucking fantasy everything as baldur’s gate, but now the world is somewhat equivalent to the late 1980’s/early 1990’s. Cars are everywhere. Computers are happening. Capitalism and consumerism are tightening their grasp on the willing yet helpless public. Fantasy pacman is a thing.

The story centers around Caedis, the world’s worst police officer who also happens to be Bhaal’s flesh made manifest into a tiefling who looks like the devil and probably is him as well. Caedis is unnecessarily cruel, malevolent, sadistic, gleefully abusing every ounce of his power at every conceivable moment as he knows he’ll get away with it because half of the police force is his fellow Bhaalists and also he and the high-ranking politician Gortash are in both metaphorical and literal bed together. They have a plan to essentially seize control of the city’s government through an infiltration of the police force, the introduction of the Steel Watch, targeted assassinations of Gortash’s political opponents, and a bunch of other gears that are already in motion.

Life for Caedis is great. He lives in a miasma of Bhaal approval, can do whatever the fuck he wants, and the second this plan all comes together, he’s going to murder Gortash and raze the city in the name of dear old daddy. Things could not be going better.

And then he fucks a vampire against his police car when he’s supposed to be aiding in burning down the Szarr Palace to take out another one of Gortash’s political opponents and a series of dominoes fall down from there. This ends in a coup where Orin, jealous of daddy’s approval and mad at her brother-uncle once again ignoring responsibilities to go be The Worst, ambushes him en route to Gortash’s estate, shoots him in the head with an enchanted gun, and leaves him for dead in a ditch.

Eighteen hours later, Caedis wakes up covered in dirt as the last vestiges of a dream consisting of a gold laden ghoul with a book and quill asking him ‘what is the worth of single mortal life’ fades from his mind's eye. He’s alive. The fog of Bhaal’s influence is gone for the first time since he was a child and there’s only one thing that’s crystal clear in his fucked up brain now:

He’s got to go fucking murder Orin.

What happens next in a tale as old as time: Murder Man Mcstabface has to go obtain a crew and a fuckload of magical weapons to stand a chance against Orin as he slowly regains his semblance of humanity under the extreme guilt and despair at his horrible actions now allowed to manifest in his brain post-bulletfication while also fighting the Urges that keep cropping up. He makes friends with people… somehow. He becomes a person. He regrets and wants to stop this evil plan he secretly put into motion.

He falls in love with the vampire he inexplicably saved from being burned alive in the Szarr Palace by fucking him against his car with whom he has an extremely fucked up relationship with and who he desperately wants to kill.

It’s a lot. There’s a lot more. But that’s the long and the short of it. If I knew how to write it, I would cause it’s stuck in my brain and I need this horrible, angry, emotionally stunted durge man to not be in my brain anymore.

[wrestlingisfake]

For the Sickos

I shouldn't let this bug me, but it's sticking in my craw. Kevin Kelly did an interview with Eric Bischoff this week, and had this to say:

"His vision of what wrestling is, for me, works best on a small scale. People always wonder why did PWG stay small? Well they knew, I think, they knew that if they went big that it would go stale fast, and they had to stay small to keep it special, to keep it niche. He wants to appeal to a niche audience with his vision of wrestling. He thinks he can convince the people to watch on a grand scale."

I'm no insider, but it seems to me that Pro Wrestling Guerilla stays small because it costs a lot of money to go big. They had a formula that was sustainable at a small level, and they didn't mind staying at that small level, so it wasn't worth taking a huge financial risk to try to expand.

Here's another way to look at it: PWG has been on hiatus since August 2023, because Super Dragon is focusing on his girlfriend's cancer treatment. Again, I'm no insider, but I suspect that if he wanted to, he could get some people to run shows while he's busy. But that would cost money, which would increase the promotion's budget, and it would alter the promotion's style, which would increase the financial risk. So instead PWG went on hiatus--not to avoid going stale, or to "keep it niche," but because Super Dragon is unwilling to incur the added costs/risks that would come with a different solution.

Super Dragon makes the right choices for himself and his promotion. But the fact he won't gamble big money on upscaling PWG doesn't mean the gamble could never pay off. The fact nobody will take that bet except Tony Khan doesn't prove it can't work. All we've established here is that a billionaire's son can afford to take chances that an indy wrestling promoter wouldn't, which is self-evident.

But here's what really bugs me about the PWG comparison: Tony Khan doesn't need to "convince the people to watch on a grand scale" because they've been watching for 246 weeks and counting. Granted, TV viewers and ticket sales are down from their peak. But ten years ago there were plenty of naysayers who would insist that a PWG clone would be "too niche" to draw 2,500 butts in seats and over 500k watching at home on a weekly basis. Even if AEW shuts down tomorrow, it's proven there's a much higher ceiling for that kind of wrestling than Reseda.

The only open question, then, is whether Tony Khan is leaving money on the table by booking "for the sickos," instead of doing whatever Kevin Kelly or Eric Bischoff or Jim Cornette or CM Punk would have him do. But this is basically the same question of expansion that we examined with PWG. Changing AEW's style to draw more "casual fans" would only introduce new risk. And it'd be a fairly big risk, since "casual fans" already have plenty of WWE to watch. As long as AEW is financially stable (and we probably won't know that until the new TV deal comes through), then TK doesn't really need to take that risk unless he wants to. Judging by AEW's new "FOR THE SICKOS" shirt, I'd say he's comfortable standing pat.

[oonajaeadira]

State of the WIP Address

Okay, y'all, I've been in a really weird place where I've been avoiding...pretty much a lot of stuff. Dunno if I have to talk to my doctor about upping my meds or what, but this is why I actually went on them--my depression manifests not in laziness, but avoiding things I need to do and things I actually WANT to do. Then I don't do them and it all starts building up. And then the to do pile feels insurmountable, like I'll never get to finish all these wonderful things. So I just...freeze up and roll over. Like a fainting goat. You'd think I'd be like "yay! lookit all the things to look forward to! I have years ahead of me full of things I really want to do! I should never be bored again!" But no. Can't do them Right Now? Fainting goat. It's weirdo. We've all got our weirdo and this is mine.

I only mention it here because I do State of the WIP Address to be accountable. Now, the weird thing is, I don't actually expect anyone to read these posts--they're boring and personal and totally for my own motivation. I just know myself and know if I put something out there, I'll feel bad if I don't do it and that should motivate me to actually do it.

But here's the thing....it doesn't work anymore. I'm no longer fulling for my own snake oil. The placebo has run out. If I know it's inconsequential, then my brain tricks me into thinking that I'm accountable to no one. And, in reality, it's true that I'm actually accountable to no one so the trick doesn't work.

Anyway. Welcome to Adira's brain where she finds her own thought patterns a fascinating psychological study and the lab results are inconclusive.

So I'mma try to twist the experiment a bit. Rather than list the things I know I can't get to right this second and feel bad about it, we're gonna let promises go and do it this way. It's not interesting to anyone but me and anyone who nerds out on process. But rather than listing the things I'm not working on, I'll talk about the ones I am, how it's going, what's in my craw about it, and maybe in my ramblings I'll clear the gears to start rolling again.

This isn't interesting to anyone but me unless you really wanna see how seriously I take my fic writing. Cringe if you want. I'm just being honest with myself. My fic isn't high art, but as with anything I create, I can't half-ass it either. It's "be satisfied with it on my terms" or bust.

STATE OF THE WIPS

I have one million projects happening, but these are the pieces I'm actively thinking about and working on at the moment.

SECRET SANTA Where it's at: I'm writing for someone I think is a wonderful person and want to do right by them, so the pressure's on. But at the same time, it's not. Because I know how accepting and lovely the person is and they gave me a lot of prompts and options and like a lot of the things I do and seem to like a lot of the types of things I like to write. I also know that this doesn't have to be over-complicated, that I can write my heart and it will please both of us. While I haven't actually opened up a doc to start, I know that it's the type of thing that if I have a little uninterrupted block of time, I can just sit down and it will flow. I won't say much about it here, but I will say that while it can 100% be read as standalone, it hits on a character/series I'm currently writing and acts as a kind of prequel, a reason for loving the reader as he does. It's something that is kind of missing in the planned series and I think this would be a nice opportunity to explore it before moving forward (and maybe helping propel that series a little) while also touching on one of the characters my giftee likes, a genre they are interested in that I hadn't considered with this character, and it will have a tone I think they'll appreciate. So while it's for them and being written with their likes in mind, I thank them, because it's also a little gift for me and my yearnings. What's stopping me: Time constraints and general anxiety.

TROPE FIC: MODERN DOM!PERO Where it's at: This one got a little sloppy and I'm working on it. I've been following @max--phillips' entries about what defines certain types of kinks and while my thoughts on dom!Pero started as true dom, they swung wrong when I started working on this, and now I'm just thinking myself back to the definition of dominant. And while I may still be missing the mark, it's helping me to think more about how I want to explore and frame this dynamic. It's also giving me a little trouble in that it's not coming out chronologically which causes me to waste time jumping around and retrofitting things. What's stopping me: I put this one on hold to start prioritizing the Secret Santa piece.

TROPE FIC: SEX POLLEN!OBERYN Where it's at: This piece is flowing chronologically. It's going to be longer than I anticipated and the first draft is about 1/3 done. I already know that after the first draft I'll have to do some shaping and I think maybe I got overwhelmed with the task I set for myself and that triggered my avoidance. I know where it's going, I'm excited for it, it will flow easily if I let it, I just have to do it! What's stopping me: I put this one on hold because I got distracted by tasty Pero thoughts. I blame @perotovar for the thots, but not the stopping. That's all on me.

TROPE FIC: ALPHA!JAVI Where it's at: I'm about 1/2 done with the first draft. Again, this one will be longer (and also more angsty) than I anticipated. I love love love where it's going though and reader and Javi's history is beautiful and sad and complex; I really love that half. I'm just now switching into the modern day section of it and have to make a few decisions about how I actually want it to go. My mind is over-complicating the story and I'm trying to wrestle it down a softer path. What's stopping me: I got distracted by the Oberyn story which is why this one's on hold and now this is all Inceptioning on itself.

GOOD. THINGS. TAKE. TIME. Where it's at: The asks are all sorted, there are only a few more sessions left before chapter 4. I just have to write it. What's stopping me: Here's the thing about PATS. If I was out for notes, I'd be pounding on this series, because it's my most popular one. But... really, I'm just here to dream up stories I like to tell. I put PATS down not consciously and not because I don't love him, but I got excited by other ideas. I want to finish it because I don't like having a bunch of unfinished projects lying around, but I also don't want that to be my #1 motivator for writing him. I want to enjoy it. I did enjoy putting the latest installment out, but I also don't feel like I'm letting anyone down if I don't hurry it, just because engagement is low. Again, I'm not here for the notes, I truly love the connection and the squeeing and sharing a yearn. We're all so busy now that it's tough to get to everything and the mutual timing is a bit off. That's okay. It's planned out, it'll get done, I just have to do it when I'm feeling it.

LEAVE OFF YOUR WANDERING: WINTER Where it's at: Finished plan. Yet to begin writing. What's stopping me: I was wrestling with this one for a bit because I had two directions it could go--soft and fluffy without much meat, or weaving all the details together and serving a story that gets rather dark, a little sad, and serves as a fix it. On one hand, I felt like I would be betraying readers by not keeping the euphoric escape. But I would also feel like I built this whole backstory that needed to manifest itself in a test for Joel and Meadowlark, as well as the fact that--other than backstories--there hasn't been any canon hardship or violence displayed. It's like I'm missing a huge chunk of who Joel and Meadowlark are. In the end, that's where the story wants to go, so I'm going there. And I have to not think about what anyone else wants, just me. Not just for selfish reasons, but I know that's when I do my best. It doesn't mean there won't still be fluff and a happy ending. It just means I have to write darkness and perhaps it will serve me better to do it in the season in which it takes place.

[sorryitisandy]

How many posts about Baldur's Gate companions having "inconsistent approval/disapproval" on reddit (and sometimes elsewhere) am I going to have read before it kills me.

This is something that has been sticking in my craw a bit, and this isn't the first fandom i've had this complaint about, but if you want a character to feel something akin to being alive then they can't be written such that their worldview, personality, THE WHOLE OF THEM is another mechanic for you to master.

Like look. There is a pretty big fluctuation between what characters are approving of by the end of the game, and at the beginning, and in some pretty extreme fucking circumstances. Astarion's knee jerks heavily on Raphael at first contact, because everything about that man, a powerful being with a silver tongue and no scruples, reminds him about Cazador. He's mean to kids, but seems to approve of helping them because his relationship to children is complicated. Laezal and Shadowheart undergo a crisis of identity over the course of the game that is a very harrowing experience for someone who has been inundated with exactly one way of life.

The examples go on, but also for everybody this whole ordeal began with Octodad and the tentacle bunch putting a little guy into your brain while the car galavants through actual hell. Things are extreme, and the dial doesn't exactly turn down in the events that follow.

Look my entire point, a point I've made on other games, is that while it is categorically important to video games to enable player agency, you do not need to indulge the players ever desire to "navigate your narrative flawlessly". The problem is that if you make every single little fucking thing in the narrative just utterly solvable like it is a game mechanic, you just rip all stakes out of your narrative and leave wounds in their place. The approval/disapproval of companions has a lot of inconsistencies on a surface level. When you start engaging with companions as characters and think about who they are and who they've been and who they are becoming, it will click.

[deepspacedukat]

Ok. DSD. Sweet, lovely friend. I had a THOT™. I was so excited to read the newest chapter of Praetor's Pride (as an aside, you know how sometimes a person knows what a word means, but has only ever seen in written and thus, has no idea how to pronounce it? I always thought it was pronounced PRAY-tor, which to me, sounds LEAGUES BETTER than PREE-der. Ugh. Anyway.), and for whatever reason, my brain got stuck on this part:

"His lips met mine for a moment, tantalizingly rough and sweet at the same time, before pulling back and leaving me dazed as the turbolift continued on its path. From what I'd been told, such displays in front of others, including personal guards, were usually avoided like the plague."

Now I have this idea stuck in my craw of writing a little one-shot from the perspective of one of the guards, who's just absolutely mortified by the display, but perhaps, while they're on DS9, he develops his own attraction to a non-Romulan and starts to get it, you know?

What would you think about me writing something like that? I wanna make sure I'm not stepping on any toes, since the idea spawned from something you wrote! LMK, hope you're having a lovely day!

Oh my god?? GO FOR IT!! DO IT! I'm absolutely insane feral full of joy that some of my silly bullshit inspired you!! Please do feel free! You have a guaranteed reader right here, I promise you!!

PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE TAG ME IN IT IF YOU WRITE IT, BC I WANNA READ IT SO BADDDD

Ahem...I mean...uh...

*playing it cool*

Sure, yeah...whatever you wanna do...

[old-antecedent]

Do Not Mantle A Daedric Prince

You claim to wish to be a Prince. You know not what you ask. Let me inform you on the matter. Some, in their study of the Heroes of Tamriel, come upon a strange episode in the tale of the Hero of Kvatch. Others, in dealings with Sheogorath, hear odd claims of presence or agency during the Oblivion Crisis. This shall not be a lesson on that period. Instead, young aspirant, let it be a warning against trying to take the place of a Prince.

Souls are primarily to blame for your folly. Doubtless, you know the difference between the black and white Souls that litter your Arena. You have potentially even seen items enchanted with Daedric Souls. This is not quite accurate. Daedra have a Vestige which returns to the Void upon their death, should they not be made into an enchantment by some foolish wizard. This Vestige then travels back to its home plane before reconstituting itself. If you have ever encountered the same daedroth after killing it previously, you now know how.

A daedra can at most create a Vestige, even if their target would normally have an aedric Soul. Most see devoting oneself to a Prince as unwise for this reason. Your Soul will be forfeit upon your death, and even if they wished to keep you around, all a Prince could offer is a Vestige. This is a miserable existence for something that once had a Soul. A Vestige simply cannot do the same things a Soul can. The most common reaction is an endless cycle of painfully falling to pieces and reconstituting, usually over a period of months.

For my part, those who swear themselves to me are usually thrown into the Brain Hallway. Some are powerful enough to form themselves into crawling shibboleths.

Taking this into account, Mantling a Prince is an interesting sort of torture for the mortals who achieve it. Slowly or all at once your Soul morphs into a Vestige, and then becomes an indistinguishable component of the Prince. Your self eroding away, becoming something you do not recognize, until "you" are totally gone. Sometimes, however, a mortal is of enough note that their Vestige alters the Prince in subtle ways.

This returns us to the Hero of Kvatch and Sheogorath. Now, Sheo has been mantled far more than any other prince. The Greymarch always saw him pick some hapless mortal champion to become him while he went off to be Jyggalag for his one time that era. Until the final Greymarch, the mortal would always lose and the "real" Sheo would re-manifest, usually choosing to burst from inside the unfortunate sod in a sort of comedy routine. The mortal would be completely absorbed into Sheo's Vestige, maybe with a few traits picked up that made the Mad God seem a touch more neurotic for a few weeks. Haskill, Sheo's main chamberlain, was a particularly skilled mortal clerk before being eaten. This made him stick in Sheo's craw, as he was far too orderly, and he was quickly coughed up. Seeing this as an opportunity, Sheo put Haskill in charge of the "boring" aspects of running the Shivering Isles.

For the final Greymarch, however, the Mad God happened to pick a Hero. Not one half as strong as Ysgramor, mind, but one of great significance nonetheless. This Hero was enough to repel the Greymarch, breaking Jyggalag's curse. We held a "sorry we turned you into the opposite of your domain for millennia" party afterward, and Jyg was pretty cool about the whole thing.

More importantly, this meant there was no directly returning Sheogorath to pop out of the Hero of Kvatch. You may think this is your "in". Simply find a prince in need of a grand transition, step in and offer yourself up, and that's your ticket. Not so fast. Even if you were a Hero, you should check what Sheo's like nowadays. His sense of fashion has changed slightly (whose hasn't?) but he's just the same as always. Do you think it happenstance that the Hero of Kvatch fell into the exact same behaviors and patternlessness of the old Sheogorath? Sure, he references events from the Oblivion Crisis on occasion, but that's all that remains of that particular Hero now. In a few more centuries they will either be entirely gone or have been coughed back up into a unique Vestige like Haskill.

And you can't make yourself into a new Prince either, there's no space in Godhead for that. At best you'll become a kind of weird non-Prince non-God creature, like the Ideal Masters. I suppose if you're fine with that you can pursue it, but know that almost no one will respect you.