#this happened in grade 8
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I'm really almost done with adventure time man this is fucked up
#im on season 8 nothings happening im on daddy daughter card wars#its just fucked up that i remember when this show came out when i was in like the 1st grade and here i am now watchin its lead up to the end#like damn man....i remember these guys. i know these guys <:(#kae.txt
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Found a reformed baptist church up my way that I'm gonna visit in a few weeks
#God knows i have intense social anxiety#and I have been interceding for all my backslid family members#and then outta the blue last week my neice texts me that she cut back on working sundays and feels like going back to church#so we're gonna go together#but yeah God is good and God is faithful#i went to a legit Christian school from grades 1-8 and somehow managed to never bmget baptized#so that needs to happen asap
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one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else
#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more#I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s#the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything#that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da#lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how#get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to#and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not#be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much#of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so.#literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in#bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it#into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it#but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted#any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself#not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha#usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day#because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere#I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s#just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway#this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this#bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school#vent tw#yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely#disability#chronically ill#i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho#i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to#anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse#I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours#I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework
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fucking hate fighting with people's who's main strategy is straight up lying & screaming & crying until you give up trying to even attempt communicating. just coming up with the most batshit, insane lies they can think of to slander you & they literally just don't fucking stop, like persistence predator shit except they're just doing it to avoid having to take responsibility. what the fuck is going on in that kind of person's brain
#30 years old btw. is how old this person is#screaming & crying on the floor like a toddler is apparently a good strategy to make people believe you#even when the other person is saying ''what are you fucking on about none of that shit happened''#& it doesn't even matter that there is absolutely negative proof it happened they will believe this anyways#because i'm already the family Bad Guy. anything you accuse me of i did it. because there needs to be a Bad Guy#the reason i'm being accused of attempted murder today btw is because i said & i quote:#''instead of throwing my food in the garbage just ask me what it is so i can tell you not to do that''#i should've known better than to try the communication route with people who only know how to DARVO#& also that ''accused of attempted murder'' thing is real. that is currently the version she's settled on#i apparently ''chased her around with a knife & threatened to kill the pets'' which i don't even need to explain how untrue that is#she literally spit on my & threw water on me & threw piss (yes. urine) at me & threatened to smash my computer#& broke a door & told me to kill myself like 8 times & said i'm a scammer & that i'm not really disabled#& then started shitting on me for being a furry?? & when i mentioned that's kind of homophobic & ableist#she started going on about how actually most furries aren't gay so it's not homophobic as if there aren't stats stating otherwise#she's a 3rd grade substitute teacher btw. yes this terrifies me#there is a HUGE reason my sisters went into teaching & that's because i was no longer a child they could abuse
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I’M DONE!!!! 10 MINUTES BEFORE THE DEADLINE AND IM DONE
#😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#FRANCIS BABY HERE I FUCKING COME#IM GOING TO CRY I WROTE A WHOLE 8 PAGE ESSAY WHILE HAVING THIS TMJ SHIT HAPPENING TO ME#IF I DON’T GET A GOOD GRADE I’LL SUE
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school is ridiculous. they give you so much holiday homework in highschool that you effectively have 0 break for 6 years straight and then its immediately into fucking uni. that 1 or 2 month gap after highschool and before uni was the only break ive gotten since i was 12. only time my periods werent painful. i dont give a shit if break week in the middle of the semester is meant to be for "catching up and getting ahead" im not doing that. im taking a fucking break
#i lost all my shits to give this year groaannnn#man i shouldve taken the opportunity to have another couple weeks off school after my mum died (in grade 8)#but nooooo i was like id rather be in school than sitting around at home doing nothing#what was i on#this year i was like i want a gap semester. like just a semester and my dad threatened to kick me out over it. fml#then again he also threatened to kick me out if i dont answer his questions fast enough so like. whatever#its gonna happen inevitably i dont know why he keeps wanting my opinion on what house to get#i dont give a shit what house you choose obviously im not gonna be living there#vent#i guess. sorry
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how I got my scars:
next to eyebrow: face planted neighbors driveway at eight years old. can barely see the scar
arm: dog bite at 8 years old. it takes up my whole upper right arm
forearm: fell on tree at 8 years old. can barely see
lower back: the puppy again. can barely see
left thumb: puppy again. can barely see
9
#I was one wild 8 year old#why did they all happen at 8#also I don't remember if puppy or driveway happened first#I think dog did. dog at 2nd grade and driveway at 3rd
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i think that like. the truly shitty thing about A Certain Kind Of Traumatic Things That Could Happen To Someone As A Child is the way how sometimes you just remember how little you were. today i was like "huh, another 16 months and it'll be 20 years since it happened. i should do something nice to myself on that day."
and then it hits me like a fucking train.when it's been 20 years, i'll only be 27. this happened so long ago that i don't even remember the event itself. my memory is sitting in the office of my childhood therapist, telling her about what happened in the most extreme detail that my 8 year old brain could muster.
i used to be a little girl that was so angry and spiteful that i would make my parents cry because they told me i had to do homework. now im just some dyke who's coworkers comment about my infinite patience when it comes to children who are upset.
#zambo's rambos#i had a part time job where i worked with grade school kids#i was a 'party manager' and any time a kid turned 7 or 8 it would fuck me up#like what do you mean THAT'S what i looked like#it's easy to normalize terrible things that happened to yourself#like yeah it was bad and fucked up but I'M built different and we all know that#but then im faced with reality and shit. i wasn't built different. i was like that too
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i think someone should kill me. violently. make my body unidentifiable. dismember me. discard my limbs in different parts of town.
#mari fucking struggles 😞#risking it all typing this on my school computer lol#i mean the worst theyll do is call my mommy and then ill just idk#be mental irl i have nothing to lose anymore man idc#if i were a band kid and deadly afraid of drug addiction i would get high rn....#the only reason im not completely suicidal is cuz i wanna grow up to be a tired 37 y/o who works with the unbearably hyper teenager#who learns to love themself again while also gifting life knowledge to said teenager like were in a movie or smth#also bc i need to own a victorian estate and have pretty dresses and be hauntingly beautiful and marry a gyaruo#but none of this will happen if i dont get to go to college within 2 years of graduating high school#since 3rd grade my policy has been if i dont get into college suicide.#that probably says alot about me huh#3rd graders are 8-9 btw (i was 8)#i kinda hope the school clocks me but also i hope not cuz itd be sooo hard explaining that i have multiple mental illnesses that#make me wanna kms and sometimes i over share these things online for anybody to see#i trust my mutuals tho lol weve known each other since 2019 thats longer than literally anyone i actively consider a friend irl to date. so#i need to be killed.#mari vents
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//I have hw to do but hopefully I can get some more replies done as well. Fingers crossed rip
#ooc#last week i missed an assignment because ya know... i forgot#so i have to claw my grade back up from C to B when it WAS an A rifp#similar thing happened to one of my history classes#i missed a test in week 1 and i had to ace literally every single assignment just to keep from failing for the rest of the term#the most grueling 8 weeks of my life just for a passing grade
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So it turns out this card I pulled back in 2019 and then immediately put in a binder to forget about is worth $700+ now. I don't know what to do with this information.
#it was worth only $40 when i pulled it and now im seeing people sell PSA 10 cards for $1k what happened 😭#definitely wanna get it graded bc i feel like it would be a PSA 8 but i dont know if i wanna sell#like yeah money good but also this is really cool#pokemon#pokemon tcg#latias#latios
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I start student teaching tomorrow...I KNOW it's going to be fine. It's absolutely going to be fine. But also I'm so stressed out about it that I honestly don't even want to go.
#imma go cry and hope it seems less scary later#just my ramblings#student sadie rides the struggle bus#I'm just NERVOUS because i don't know what to expect#tomorrow is an inservice day and i have to go to the district's high school to a room with alllllllllll the 3-5th grade ELA teachers#and it's from 8-11 but idk what happens after that?????#do i have to go to my school????? do i get to go home?????? idk.
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HOWLS
#i forgot how insane i used to get last year when i consistently got 4 hours of sleep spring quarter because i'd stay up every night to avoid#people in the study hall and also go on nightwalks while i still lived away from family#but also wake up at 8 the next morning to go to lecture and never took naps because my roommates scared me#it's happening again. because I am getting really scared of people again.#and consuming lethal amounts of caffeine#(it didn't help by the way. my grades were still shit by the way.)#milk (delusional)#ok if i go to sleep now i can still get 6 hours which is high school levels of sleep which is fine
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my biggest fear is my headphones disconnecting in the middle of class and will wood just starts blasting out of my phone
#this actually happened once to me in like grade 8#dr sunshine is dead started playing and i didn't even notice for like a few minutes until my teacher pointed out hearing music
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gets accepted to a college with 20% admission
gets rejected from a college with 80% admission
#how did this happen??#i sent identical applications to very similar programs.#i was above the test grades and gpa for both.#how did i get waitlisted for a school with 8% acceptance and rejected from one with 80%???#like. it’s cool and all. i’m just glad i got in somewhere. but like. what#my stats brain is scrambling to understand this rn
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One of my mutuals put this post on my dash the other day that was asking if you’d ever owned/bought a piece of clothing specifically because it reminded you of a fictional character, and I didn’t reblog it because I couldn’t think of anything, but now I’ve remembered
Bet none of you would have guessed that I used to own a tshirt exactly like Ryou/Yami Bakura’s when I was like 12 that I thought was the coolest fucking thing
Little cringe baby me was obsessed with this guy
#i wanted to cosplay him so bad when i was little#i used to be such a big bakura fan in my youth#dont remember what happened to make me fall out of it but i just kinda. took a break from ygo for what... 7 or 8 years?#i still like him but the brain worms were so much stronger when i was but a girl#if you know the post im talking about btw feel free to send it to me i just cant remember who it was that put it on my dash#i have the memory of a fish#wonder what happened to that shirt too... i probably just outgrew it#my mom had a habit of throwing away clothes i liked once id 'gotten too big for them' without ever telling me or asking if she could#i dont doubt that i wouldnt fit into something from like. 8th grade now lmao#but still
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