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mushiemellows · 11 months ago

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So Usopp’s this really fascinating character in the lineup because you learn to love him so much and in doing that you gotta learn to love yourself? Like, okay so the Luffy Zoro Sanji and Nami clearly hold character tradition in Lupin, Goemon, Jigen, and Fujiko. Not perfectly 1-1 but they obv don’t mess too much with the winning formula.

And then usopp gets to come on the journey. Why does usopp get to come? Because we get to. He serves as this really great outstretched hand to everyone else, to see themselves in any strawhat. He’s audience proxy. Now, I’m going to say something that may be a little inflammatory to some (controversial yet undeniably true) but I think it’s so vital to understanding his journey. Usopp, from an initial character design perspective, hails from the historical repercussions of minstrelsy. The racism is inherently baked into his character. I think I didn’t realize just how deeply ingrained it was (like the totality of bad traits, you don’t need to look hard to identify visuals) until watching opla and seeing how Jacob’s Usopp pulled back on a few traits that are historically linked to that racist tradition (I think having Matt Owens, a black man, leading the writing staff was an absolutely influential part of reframing the character as well) but I also think that’s why he felt almost overly sanitized (in a similar fashion to how I fear they will treat Bon Clay in s2). Nuance- two things can be true at once, usopp can both be a racist caricature with negative traits associated negatively with black men AND I can love him for his flaws and see myself in him and empathize with him. He can be a coward and a liar, two traits that are definitely applied with racist intention when he Looks Like That, and I can independently like that a coward and an liar gets to be on the protag team. That’s kind of the point!

So by like, 2003, as Oda is deciding he’s not actually going to end with Skypia and is going to keep going for 100 more years, it makes sense that Usopp is the first loose thread to need development. So, then, what defines Usopp’s identity? What’s he bring to the team?

And then they double down by making his arc foil Franky. A man. A man’s man. A man’s man’s man. A caricature the same visual American Export Animation Tradition (early 20th century minstrelsy’s big brother: ww2 racist propaganda), but not racialized in the way Usopp is (he’s not a racist depiction of white men is what I mean). So visually, they’re already at odds. And then in terms of character Franky fills like, 75% of what Usopp’s been bringing to the team, and generally he does it better. He fixes things better, he makes better inventions, he’s a good shot (but vitally NOT a BETTER shot), and he takes on some of the the load of temporary comedic relief.

Of course usopp takes the rejection of Merry personally. He’s having this deep crisis of what he is able to uniquely provide, and the answer he keeps coming up with is that, well, he brought the ship to the table. And without his ship, he’s……. Uh oh. He’s jealous and he’s bitter and he doesn’t know how he fits in and the anxieties get the better of him. He’d rather self sabotage than be rejected down the line and abandoned who knows where. Or worse- he thinks he’ll let everyone down if the pressure falls on his shoulders . And that’s what makes him so wonderful and heart breaking and lovable and relatable. I get it, I see his insecurities when they’re all laid out and it pulls you in to empathize with your own insecurities.

I think humbleness, the ability to say you’re sorry and grow and then PROVE that you’ve learned and grown, is so key to both Usopp and Oda. I don’t think the (at most charitably, ‘unintentional’) anti-black rhetoric fully ever leaves the franchise. I think the work is too old and will never be able to scrub it off. But I think Oda can learn. I think he has. Each time he takes a swing at a racism allegory, he learns more and more. Same with uhhhhhh gay and trans people, while he’s at it.

Ussop’s getting (re: fights, not shipping, tho I’m shocked it isn’t more rare pair) paired off with Perona is cool and I wish people talked about the arrangement more because I think he’s ‘pessimism as strength’ trait is the first time he gets a good independent moment after rejoining. Everyone else is down!!! And when they all rely on him, he DOES have skills no one else does. He DOESN’T let the team down at their most vulnerable. He out-illusions a GHOST.

I think that’s where a lot of love for post-ts Usopp comes from. He gets to finally stand on his own. To survive! And thrive! And figure out what makes him him. Not a caricature, not a filler position defined by how others need/utilize/manipulate him. But who he wants to be. Flaws and all. And comedically, he is the best and funniest as the “straight man” and everyone else get’s to be the punchline (he still gets to be funny, but by being the one to point out ironies he gets to step back from his roots).

I think One Piece as a work of Gender Propaganda (the purpose of shounen manga is to teach young boys what “man shit” is- that’s not a spicy take) does it’s best when it gets to define the nuances of masculinity by a million different proxies (that’s what fights are). The function of the timeskip is to “make a man” out of the main team’s boys (and allies) (I can elaborate on this in another post if there’s interest). And post-ts Usopp is unequivocally A. Man. Maybe not a man’s man’s man’s man. But a man regardless. That’s not even in question. He gets to find his own unique identity and grow in front of our eyes. And if he’s the audience proxy, that means we can too.

#I love my boy so much I just want him to be happy #uh oh I might delete soon because I’m afraid I’m too out of my lane #I’m not tagging I don’t want this post breaching contamination #racism mention #oh my god please don’t yell at me over this I’ll simply wilt away #I meant containment not contamination fucking auto correct I’m not going back to fix it

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indigayghost · 1 year ago

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1, 3, 14 and 16

1. what disability/ies do you have? (and are they mental, physical, or both?)

Autism & adhd (also like anxiety/depression I don't know if those countashahaj), chronic pain due to crocheting very hard + fibromyalgia + something autoimmune probably (I'm going to the doctor tomorrow)

3. what, if any, disability aids do you use? (mobility aids, sensory aids, braces, communicative devices, IVs, etc. meds also count here). do you customize them/their containers/outsides?

I take lots of meds for depression/anxiety, adhd and fm but like I won't try to translate their names I'm sorry agshsjs and also lots of painkillers and I have a cute pink container for them and the extra boxes I put in a cute cookie tin! (also funny story I stopped writing this to go take my night meds and I LOST THE CONTAINER I had to search the whole house I wasn't finding it anywhere and then it was with my nail things that I used in the morning :/

Sometimes when I'm nonverbal I use an text to speech app, sunglasses for eye sensitivity, ear mufflers, lots of sensory toys! Wrist and arm braces, hot bags for The Pain™ and I'm starting to use a wheelchair when I'm outside

Also i bought a thingie to put in the hairdryer so I don't need to hold it because it hurts I'm counting that as a mobility aid

Something I don't have but it would be so so so helpful is a shower chair because my blood pressure is very low and I faint like 8 out of 10 showers haha

I'm counting the little salt bags as a disability aid too sue me if you will but these things saved me more times than I can count

14. has there ever been a time where you felt solidarity/community with another disabled person in a situation with you?

Oh yeah! There was this time in the train that I was seated in the preferential seat and a woman started to scream with me that I shouldn't be there and then the guy seating next to me was like HE'S AUTISTIC IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT FUCKING LEAVE and I was like thank you 😭 and he said it's fine I'm *insert here another invisible disability I don't remember sorry kind train man* we got to have our backs and I was like yeah!

Also my cousins fiancé is disabled and everytime we're in a family dinner or something there's always one moment someone say something so dumb and we look at each other with so much understanding it's funny

And also obviously all the times I talk about an issue here there's always so many kind comment and helpful advice ❤️ to my disabled moots yall are awesome and you helped me understand and validate my experiences so so much I love you all

16. free space to talk about whatever disability issue or experience you want !

Uuuugh I'm so bad at free spaces!!!! I don't know what to saaaaaaaaay

Well I think like, my journey of accepting my disabilities is just beginning actually

Growing up autistic (and specially afab, autistic and fat) makes it very very hard for you to listen to your body and needs. Everytime I said something was wrong or that I didn't felt right people said it was nothing or that I was being a crybaby and it wasn't as bad as I was making it or that it was my fault because I was fat, so I'm still very bad at telling like how much pain I'm in and stopping doing something before it hurts me, but I'm learning and everyday I get a little bit better at stepping up for myself and my needs so that's cool!

I love how I found in the wwdits fandom not only other crazy people to scream with me because of gay vampires but also a really kind community full of disabled folks that make me feel so validated and free and looked out for so yeah I love you guys 💖

#disability

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troglobite · 2 years ago

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OHHHH ASDLKFMASDFY CUKGINF ASDLKFJLURAGLKJDFJ

more abt the shows i'm watching ONCE AGAIN please do not judge me for the shows i watch

okay ted lasso spoilers for the newest episode

OH MY FUCKING GOD I FUCKING KNEW IT I KNEW KEELEY AND JACK WERE GONNA GET TOGETHER IN SOME WAY AHHHHHH I LITERALLY SCREAMED AND FIST PUMPED IN THE AIR AND STARTED HYPERVENTILATING HOLY FUCKING SHIT ALSDKJFA LSDFHLASDFHLAKSDJF;AOSDFHLIAUSDFKLASJD FLK

okay also

TRENT HAD A FUCKING RAINBOW MUG IN THE OPENING SCENES

AND HE WAS HOLDING IT WHILE TALKING TO THE COACHING TEAM AND HIGGINS

AND THEN ROY WENT ON HIS GIANT RAGE BIT ABOUT WHAT YOU DO TO BULLIES

AND THEN TRENT OUT OF SHOCK AND TERROR DROPPED THE RAINBOW MUG

i mean it was frustratingly not a PERFECT gay rainbow, but it WAS a rainbow and it said IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO

WHAT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO, POSSIBLY GAY TRENT MUG, PLEASE ENLIGHTEN ME

also the looks at colin when ted mentions shame

colin talking about musicals and the others joining in

colin refusing to partake in saying that anastasia is beautiful

trent walking around with higgins just for some reason i'm like !!!!! OKAY!!!! PART OF THE TEAM/FAMILY!!!!

also i am VERY COMPELLED abt rebecca's journey

i KNEW her main closing journey was going to be abt becoming a mom

and now it's not possible for her to carry or conceive HOWEVER!!! GUESS WHO HAS A FRESH BABY!!!

BEX

do it, rebecca. DO IT. GET HER TO DIVORCE RUPERT, SELL HER SHARES OF THE CLUB, AND CO-PARENT THAT LITTLE BABY, DIANE!!!!!

also compelling that the green matchbook and shite in nining armor were about past relationships, not abt the "RIGHT" one!

it's reflective!

and it's moving BACKWARDS.

which makes me think--

further backwards yet again is BEX

so raise her baby with her!!!!

okay once again i would like to FUCKING SCREAM ABOUT KEELEY AND JACK GETTING TOGETHER FUCK YES!!!!!!!!!!

I KNEW FROM THE SECOND THAT SHE WAS INTRODUCED WITH A "MAN'S" NAME AS A BAIT AND SWITCH

AND THEN WITH KEELEY IN THE TOILETS

AND THEN THEY LOOKED AT EACH OTHER AT THE BAR DURING THE GAME

i am.

EXPERIENCING HAPPY QUEER FEELINGS

THANK FUCKING CHRIST

I'M SO FUCKING THRILLED

KEELEY CONFIRMED BISEXUAL!!!!

JACK CONFIRMED BISEXUAL OR FORMERLY-DATED-MEN-LESBIAN!!!!!

i guess technically the same for keeley as well! but it seemed like she really loved and was very much into jamie and roy, so i'm definitely on Team Bisexual over here.

okay anyway

HINTS OF TRENT

that sleeve roll and his little bracelets so fucking gay, my dude, especially WITH THAT FUCKING MUG

and then jamie and roy still committed to working hard together i am LOOKING. WITH INTRIGUE.

okay that was a fascinating episode.

i also i called it as SOON as ted got that text abt henry that HENRY was the one who bullied the other kid.

i was anticipating MORE abt that storyline, but apparently it was just to show how far ted's come in terms of managing his anxiety and his panic attacks, which like, okay, sure. i appreciate them showing henry learning from his mistakes and trying to do better. that's lovely.

i WAS anticipating more. i was anticipating henry to have participated in like homophobic bullying or something. bc tbh we still don't know what he did. to some kid named doug. we didn't really learn anything. and i am INTRIGUED by that lack of detail.

anyway.

also yay for nate! i didn't actually expect him to end up dating restaurant girl--what the fuck is her name again? i legitimately forget even though i JUST watched the episode, which is genuinely hilarious considering her bit abt not remembering nate's name, etc.--but it actually kind of. makes sense.

nate does need someone who can keep him in check--but also they sort of know each other, and the restaurant is special to him. it's not like they have NO history, or their only history is her being rude to him.

quite frankly she's like the classic "be mean to the person you like" bullshit from childhood.

which is funny considering nate's like. behavior and modus operandi.

ANYWAY. i hope that gets more compelling and interesting, but yeah they've both been rude to each other and it's. interesting.

it's a good ego check for him.

and it was really nice for him to be able to recount all the good things that've happened to him! the fact that he ENDED that sentence w talking abt being promoted at richmond! that's really nice.

i don't have incredibly strong feelings abt him but i find the story is being handled p well.

nuance and critiques abound for various parts of the show, including nate and his storyline.

BUT.

that was. a really fucking good episode.

also bye zava! lol

i was really fucking worried that he was gonna out someone or say something shitty abt richmond, but truly, he's a self-important wishy-washy dickhead, but he's not a cruel person. and i appreciate that! very interesting character, v fun for the time he was there.

and unfortunately i can understand exactly how dani ends up hero-worshipping him. lol he speaks exactly the kind of language that dani would find super compelling. lol

anyway holy SHIT there are still seven episodes left AHHHHHH FUCK!!!!!!!

this was a good episode and FUUUUUUCK MEEEEEEEE KEELEY AND JACK ARE TOGETHER!!!!! well, they're fucking. who knows what any of it means. BUT FUCK YEAH!!!!! CONFIRMED BISEXUAL KEELEY!!!!!! FUCASDJFLKA SKLFJHAELIUAHDLSFHAILS EFJADSKFLJ

no. fuck. wait.

the next episode title and summary:

sunflowers

a friendly match takes the team to amsterdam, where one night out unlocks truths for many.

for MANY?!

HOW FUCKING MANY?!!

[SWEATS IN STRESSED OUT LESBIAN]

FUCK!!!!! AIDJ GKADHGCKAEHRLFGKADHKJGHCF ADLDHFKJFSD LKFJAD LFKJ DSOH FMADFYASD LFAJDLFKJASFLJ

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the-faceless-amalgam · 2 months ago

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Hi, so introduction here. Written by L, I will introduce myself later as I introduce everyone here. But first, a quick description of the body we all share.

We are about 5'11', white with an average build I'd say, we have a tummy but honestly that should be average. The body is undergoing gender confirming hormone therapy towards femininity (MtF) as that is more comfortable for the majority and there are no folks being upset by it. We generally, mostly due to me being the front person most of the time, are dressed in an alternative style somewhere in the Goth, Grunge and Punk triangle.

So, introductions to everyone in the system. These may well get edited as this will be our pinned post, even if this blog is primarily for me to wax academic about experiences and reflect on the way everything feels.

L - 26y/o, body adjacent age. Body associating in body image. (They/Them)

I am kind of the face for the system, the person that has unintentionally defined us all very strongly. I identify as trans feminine non-binary, I'm ace spectrum pan. I was a blind front until 2 years ago (in 2024) when I found out due to counselling with a therapist who had specialized in dissociative conditions. To my understanding I have been around in the head since the body was 9-11. I am a youth worker by occupation, I love to build worlds for TTRPGs and I am also a massive motorcycle dyke (dyke in the gender sense more so than the sexuality sense).

T - 26y/o, body adjacent age. Does not associate the body with their body image.

T is a very outgoing and excited person. T is a cis woman from her perspective, pansexual and ace spectrum. T has been very close with myself (L) in the head for some time and we have learned a lot from each other but do want to stay as separate people. T is a lot more aware of the system and has been around for a very long time in a range of ways. T dates and enjoys going out for drinks and generally sits in a very adult joy space.

J - 18(?)y/o. Body adjacent image but masculine and younger.

J likes music a lot and is very supportive and kind. He also, unlike most of the folks in the system, has a dialect and accent more in line with the council estate area we grew up in. This has caused me anxiety as people who know mine and the generally RP accented voice may mistake this for appropriation of or mockery of folks with this accent and dialect. However there is also classism on my part baked into that from parenting. J likes to play music in the head which can be nice when it's not too distracting. J and T often watch period dramas such as Downton and Bridgerton together which is cute.

A - 30y/o. Body adjacent image with the beard we used to have and ginger hair.

A started out from my perspective as a cleaner, just a guy who popped in when I was overwhelmed and cleaned my flat while I was asleep. Turned out he was a whole ass guy not just a fragmented bit of us. A takes care of the kids and the folks that can't cope and still cleans up but we try to share more. He likes "golden age of TV" shows like Mad Men and Breaking Bad. He also enjoys Formula 1. A is a gay guy and is aromantic, which is a big standout in the head as we're generally soppy romantics. A recently merged with a protector who was becoming disillusioned and angry because they're job of keeping me (L) unaware of having the condition had failed, this has had some effects on A's personality but not much.

M - 55/56y/o. Does not associate their body image with the body.

M is the angry Scottish man who got locked in a pub so I wouldn't get angry at things. He's from Glasgow much like part of the body's family and generally operates as an inside the brain voice, letting us know it's ok to be angry and ranting. He's also very insightful and very funny, he enjoys Johnny Cash a lot and when I come to if he's been about there's a chance out Johnny Cash record will be on.

P - Age Fluctuating. Uncertain of Body Image

P holds a lot of trauma, having lived near the dump or box in the head where we put things we can't deal with they have come to hold a lot of that. I don't know P very well, A looks after and makes sure they are ok but generally I will start to cry uncontrollably if P is around at the same time as me and then I will lose time. The one thing I do know is that P enjoys Vivaldi's Operas as they are always playing when I come back.

K - 8y/o. Body adjacent body image.

K is the kid, they're happy and cute. They like Ghibli movies and cartoons generally and they seem to have a friendship group inside the head that mirrors our adult friends in an age appropriate way for them. A takes care of them a lot and I try to help by making space for them, getting them snacks they like and watching TV with them.

C - C is a cat.

I don't really know how or why. There's just a bit of my brain that's a cat, I grew up with cats and I have a cat myself so that's a likely axis of cause. Mostly the cat comes out at home and, well, cat naps.

#dissociative identity disorder

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jemandtherobots · 1 year ago

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books read in 2023, part 1 of 2

thought i might as well do a post like this for the first half of the year bcos a) i've read a lot so this post will be long and b) i already have to go back like "i have no memory of this place book" with half of these.

Andy Weir - The Martian

No memory of why I wanted to start the year with this but I guess it falls in the category of "cosy read" for me so.

Jean Kearns Miller (ed.) - Women From Another Planet? (finnish translation)

Found my way to the mental health shelf of the local library and picked up some autism books instead of whatever it was I was actually looking for; this was an interesting read of essays and conversations between autistic women.

Puhu hereille (finnish)

This is an anthology of poems and short prose written by people on the autism spectrum and I 100% recommend it, I'm a little sorry it's hidden away in non-fiction and not shelved as poetry or whatever, but I'm very happy I found it.

Henry Fry - First Time for Everything

On one hand it's giving girlboss but make it a gay man, on the other hand this is such a good exploration of internalised homophobia and queer community dynamics and all that good stuff so I can forgive the girlboss vibes.

Catherynne M Valente - Space Opera

I nearly gave up on this so many times. Look, I love Eurovision, I love space, I very thoroughly enjoyed reading Douglas Adams as a teenager, so this should have been perfect for me. Unfortunately it was an unreadable mess and I hated every second I spent reading it.

Stephanie Julian - Hard Lines & Goal Lines

It must be hard writing romance because you need some sort of reason the characters can't be together and happy right from the start, like you need a plot, but whatever's getting in their way needs to also be something they can overcome by the end of the book. So sometimes that obstacle ends up being basically nothing, as it is in this book.

Emma Puikkonen - Lupaus (finnish)

Really enjoyed reading this one, but it was also a confusing reading experience for me as someone with eco-anxiety and no parental instinct, because I still found myself relating more to the parenting stuff than the eco-anxiety stuff. Anyway would absolutely recommend.

Sanni Purhonen - Jos vain muuttuisin toiseksi (finnish)

This is a poetry collection about disability which I actually passed on before because the blurb on the back cover does this zero justice. Publishers: get your shit together 2k23. Everyone who speaks finnish: read this.

Erik J Brown - All That's Left in the World

Okay I fuckin love disaster fiction. This ticked all my boxes: disaster survival, gay, included a map.

Marian Keyes - Again, Rachel

I am a Marian Keyes girlie and I also read Rachel's Holiday years and years ago (fun fact: my copy of Rachel's Holiday has a cover with a woman holding a drink on it and quotes about what a fun light read it is which, uh, well), and so I obviously needed to know if my blorbo was okay. The worst part of this book was a few days after I finished it, someone close to me went into a treatment centre for addiction and when I visited them it took so much willpower not to be like "oh I recently read a book about that".

Andy Weir - Project Hail Mary

Thought I might read another Andy Weir to see if the rest of his stuff was as good; it was alright, but I am not the target audience Andy Weir is writing to and that's fine. In my notes, I wrote that this book felt like "Arrival for men" and I stand by it.

Lily Lindon - Double Booked

The first I ever heard about this was someone saying "despite the concept it is not biphobic" like yeah okay fair, but also this book feels like the dictionary definition of gay and somehow homophobic? I think a "woman discovers she's queer, gets sucked into a specific community of toxic queer stereotypes and finally learns to accept herself and her bisexuality" story would be really great if any of the characters were the slightest bit sympathetic. Unfortunately the stereotypes are never really interrogated in any way, there's never a "oh actually there's more to being queer than this one specific club/scene" moment, and everyone's just kind of a dick lol. The main character never really puts in the work, so her ending feels unearned.

Kait Nolan - Our Kind of Love

Gonna be honest, typing this into the list I fully could not remember what this book was but then I remembered, it was the one with a content warning at the start for cursing and pre-marital sex, which is a fair enough warning but not one I recall seeing before. It's a sweet book, I liked it, but some of the characters were pretty one-dimensional.

Becky Chambers - A Psalm for the Wild-Built

This was lovely but also felt really unsatisfying somehow? Anyway I will read anything Becky Chambers writes, so.

Pauliina Haasjoki - Himmeä sininen piste (finnish)

Essays on climate change, the environment, etc. I came away from this book with a lot of thoughts and with a long list of books and movies to get my hands on.

Ali Hazelwood - Love on the Brain

Okay I fucking loved this one actually, this was even better than The Love Hypothesis. Sorry not sorry. Two notes though: 1) apparently the two main characters had a height difference of 40 cm and as someone who once dated a guy maybe 30 cm taller than me, I have to say the logistics of the kissing are not as simple as this book makes it seem, and 2) I don't like Ali Hazelwood's sex scenes at all rip.

Xiran Jay Zhao - Iron Widow

!!!!!!!!!

Alexandria Bellefleur - Written in the Stars

When will I escape the fucking Harry Potter references, if this wasn't a library book I would have set fire to it. That said, the rest of it was really nice, we love a little F/F fake dating opposites attract romance moment, although I can't speak to the quality of the sex scenes bcos I was reading this on the train sitting next to my mum so I kind of skipped those.

Miira Luhtavaara - Pinnallisuus (finnish)

Idk this had some fun visual stuff but mostly this was just like. Words. Apparently this is an award-winning poet but maybe I'm not cultured enough bcos I cannot understand why.

Jennette McCurdy - I'm Glad My Mom Died

The internet's been buzzing about this so much I had to read it despite barely knowing who Jennette McCurdy is; this was really good but also I felt so voyeuristic reading it like "noo I don't need to know this stuff about a complete stranger, why am I reading this" as if she didn't write it herself in a book for people to read.

Christina Sweeney-Baird - The End of Men

Based on the reviews etc that I read, I think that a lot of people (including the author) approached this book from a non-speculative-fiction background. I came to this book having read a) a bunch of disaster, incl. pandemic fiction and b) The Female Man by Joanna Russ and Ammonite by Nicola Griffith. So I understand that this was groundbreaking to some people, but to me it was a bit of a let-down. Obviously not every book has to add something new to its genre, but with feminist sci-fi I think I'd expect some awareness of genre, at least.

Also. If you don't know anything about genetics and infectious diseases, it's okay to not go into detail about them. I don't mind the idea of a vague nebulous disease that only kills men (as a plot device in fiction, I mean, I'm not buzzed about the idea in real life), I can suspend my disbelief. I stop being able to suspend disbelief when an author writes something this incredibly wrong.

Louisa M Alcott - Little Women

I watched the 90's adaptation recently bcos my man (John Neville) is in it so I figured I ought to read the book someday - I mean, I read some of it as a kid but I don't think I ever finished it - and honestly, I think child me was right bcos this book really isn't all that great.

Trish Milburn - A Cowboy's Kiss

I go on bookbub to look at my deals, I see the word "cowboy" and black out and the next thing I know that shit is in my google play library. ANYWAY. A librarian named Anna gets in an accident, and has to be looked after by a sexy doctor who is also a cowboy?? Sign me the fuck up.

Fiona MacArthur - Lacey

This was a pretty dull book and also loses so many points for the love interest being a cop, but you don't look a free ebook in the mouth.

Rachael Bloome - The Truth in Tiramisu

Another pretty meh romance.

Kerttu Kotakorpi - Suomen luonto 2100 (finnish)

A little prediction into what Finland might be like in the year 2100 as far as climate and weather go - an interesting read, for sure, if a bit depressing (:

Sari Elfving - Saattaja

Well. I liked the concept (1939, biology student doesn't get to go along on a research trip to find a butterfly she's interested in, war breaks out and she fakes nurse credentials to go serve in the war so she can see the butterfly), and I thought it was well-written, but I also just mostly did not like this book.

Martha Wells - All Systems Red (finnish translation)

I hate reading translations but sometimes needs must - this was sooo good oh my god. I need to read this entire series right now immediately thank you.

Lempi Nyyssönen - Taskukellon aikaa (finnish)

Was at grandma's, picked up one of the few poetry books she has, turns out this was written by her former neighbour. Not the most interesting poetry I've ever read tbh but also not the worst.

CJ Carmichael - Melt My Heart, Cowboy

A pretty good book about the friendship between Rosie, a writer/chocolate shop worker dealing with a big life change, and Sara Maria, a young autistic woman recovering from a breakdown and trying to find her own place in life without being defined by her family. Oh except it's actually a romance between Rosie and Brant, Sara Maria's brother and the cowboy of the title. It's just that he's the least interesting character in the book, and a bit of a dick, and even Rosie is like "why do I like this guy, he's a dick to his sister and he kind of sucks" sooo.

This book gets bonus points for Rosie finding out Sara Maria is autistic and her reaction being, and I quote, "like the Sheldon character on Big Bang Theory?"

Sangu Mandanna - The Very Secret Society of Irregular Witches

This was mostly Really Good except remember that thing I wrote before about having to write obstacles to romance that are exactly the right size? The obstacle in this one should have been too big, actually, holy shit.

Carina Taylor - Tuesdays Like That

This book has really fantastic dialogue. The rest of it isn't that great.

Holly Smale - The Cassandra Complex

I'm putting spoilers here bcos I would have wanted them myself: I was so distracted reading this bcos first a side character made some comment about Cassandra, the main character, being on the spectrum, I was like "oh is she autistic?" (yes) and when I figured she probably was my next question was "does she know she's autistic?" (no.)

I did enjoy the book though, would recommend.

Note: I have left three books off this list bcos some things are between me and God (or, as it happens, between me and Google Play Books which now knows too much about me). Anyway see you in six months for part two! :)

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dissidiacloudstrife · 3 years ago

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I saw you rb the meme so. Who do you think would be besties with Jaspen? she's 1. a priory student that studies biochemistry and alchemy, 2. kind of abrasive but knows how to party 3. a mesmer that hates using mes magic (feels it's cheap and manipulative, greatly dislikes having an innate talent for it), and 4. the shortest of a set of pod quadruplets who keeps her siblings at arm's length. oh also 5. bi as hell

honestly probably clover! (one of bluebell's siblings funnily enough) before his journey to learn from surgeons, clover was a member of the priory! he was studying general medicine, but after being a field/front line medic with the battle for orr, he soon learned sometimes surgery is a necessity in replacement of magical healing. he would GREATLY be interested in jaspen's field of biochemistry and alchemy!

clover has general anxiety, but i think they would bond quickly over "magic cant be used for everything" and general quest for knowledge! clover for a while also didnt have much interactions with his siblings until honestly PoF. so i feel like these two would just, Get it, ya know? whats funny tho is clover is 6,3', a tol bulky sylvari.

clover is pretty much excited to learn from people directly (which is one of the reasons why he apprentices under other surgeons) and legit would love to hear or read anything jaspen has done!

#oc: clover #slaps clovers ass #this gay man can hold so much anxiety but also love for learning and getting the knowledge to other people #he bonds thru infodumping #either people giving or him explaining things #he also has a scottish fold cat named bootsy that has chronic health issues but is his emotional support animal #SORRY I JUST NEVER TALK ABOUT CLOVER HERE I THINK #TY AGAIN #vampiricsheep

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zoloft-and-anime · 2 years ago

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1950 Ch.1- No Matter What

A/N- Hey yall! here's the first chapter in this series! It may be a little packed with info but it has some important points. No real warnings so far! Also if anyone has name suggestions Id love to hear cuz honestly a name is escaping me rn. Enjoy!

Content: reader is kinda shy, gay panic, Steve is confused, brief Eddie appearance

Thinking back, you can’t remember a time when you and Robin Buckley weren't attached at the hip. Since the moment the two of you met in the second grade, life-altering damage had been done to your lives in the form of a new, unbreakable bond.

Your life had just been completely uprooted at seven years old, all your personal belongings packed into large cardboard boxes as your mother explained to you that the move to Hawkins was essential to your father’s career. Hopping into the back seat of your mother’s 1970 Range Rover, your father manning the wheel or the moving truck just in front of you, memories of your hometown flooded your mind.

None of those memories, however, included any friends. No playground buddies from your elementary school, no neighborhood children who would come by to play. You had sat alone at lunch and recess, preferring to stay indoors during the summers. Your introverted and shy nature was apparent to those around you, leading them to leave you in your own, secluded world.

Despite the lack of friends, the move was hard to process. Change wasn't something you took easily, even at that age.

Robin Buckley, on the other hand, was a much more extroverted and talkative young girl, often getting herself in trouble for speaking out of turn in class. She immediately introduced herself to you as soon as she noticed that there was a new, unfamiliar face in her class.

“Hi! Are you new here? My name’s Robin and I’m seven years old, but I turn 8 next month!”

She was loudly speaking to you no more than three feet away from your visibly nervous figure, holding up six digits in a failed attempt to express her age.

“That's six, didn't you say you were seven?” You reply, taking a step back to ease your anxiety.

Never in your life had you met a person as outgoing as this, or rather as interested in you.

“Oh is it? Sorry, I'm still learning!” she responded, no offense taken to your statement and a grin on her face, missing a couple of teeth that had no doubt been compensated for in cash from the tooth fairy. “Come on! It's almost recess. You can play cops n’ robbers with us! Don’t worry ill go easy on ya.”

And with that, she grabbed your hand and led you to the playground. Your first friend, readily introducing you to some of the other children on the playground.

Most of them would fade out of your life, moving away, finding different friends, and growing out of your friendship. But never Robin. That day she had proclaimed you best friends for life, drawing up a picture in crayon of the two of you, hand in hand, with your names above your heads and the words ‘best friend’ plastered above the image. She handed you the paper with the words “You’re my best friend, no matter what.” right before dismissal.

Since then that picture has never left your room. Eleven years of friendship, and it has maintained its place, carefully folded in the bottom of a wooden box containing keepsakes collected by the two of you over the years. Bracelets, letters, random rocks you found walking together, polaroids of you at various ages.

Now, in your senior year of high school, the two of you remain inseparable. Hitching a ride to school with Robin’s new friend Steve on the first day of the year.

“Steve, as much as I'm grateful for the lift, don't you have anything better to do than drive high schoolers to class?” You inquired as Robin playfully elbowed you from the seat next to you.

“For your information I do, I'm just doing a favor for a friend… and her..friend. You two didn’t have to both sit in the back seat like I'm some sort of chauffeur though.” Steve shoots back, quickly glancing to the back seat to see the two of you giggling like idiots. “Robin, you two are just friends, right? Like I don't know why you wouldn't tell me if..” Robin immediately cuts him off loudly, “NO! No way not at all. We’re just friends. BEST friends! I don't even like girls like that.”

Steve shoots Robin a confused glance in the rear view mirror as you look out the window, letting out a soft laugh at the idea of you and her in love. She sends him a look that tells him to keep his mouth shut.

The only secret Robin had ever kept from you in your entire friendship was the fact that she was gay. Steve wasn’t even supposed to know, it had just come out in her drugged-up stupor after his awkward confession. She loved you more than anything, you were her best friend, the only one who would always stick by her side, no matter what, but you just couldn't know.

Sure, she felt guilty for keeping this entirely crucial aspect of her life a secret from you, but she couldn't help but fear your reaction. Deep down she knew it shouldn’t change anything, but something in her said that she’d regret it. So she kept quiet.

The rest of the car ride consisted of you and robin being utter fools in the back seat, with you laughing at whatever snarky joke she made at the expense of your classmates or Steve’s child friends, as well as steve muttering quiet rebuttals and pondering the reasons as to why Robin’s “best friend” had no idea she was into girls.

He shoved that to the back of his mind as he pulled into the school parking lot, shouting a quick “goodbye” to you and Robin as she declared that you two would see him after school.

As you two entered the building, her arm linked with yours, you begin to discuss your schedules, noting that you had the same homeroom and lunch, as well as English.

“Finally I get you in English!” Robin sighs, pulling on your arm slightly. “You know how I hate doing those long annoying essays! I just can't stay focused on them. You’re like an English whiz so we could totally be study buddies, yeah?” Her enthusiastic statement makes you chuckle, as well as your heart swell slightly due to the flattery. “Only if you help me with math. I know we don’t share the class but you’re much better with numbers than I am.” You reply with a nudge to her side. “Oh of course ill help you. When have I not?” she responds “I gotta get to class now, see you in homeroom.” She releases your arm as you turn the corner and stop to briefly stand against the wall.

“This year is gonna be great. I promise. Bye (y/n)! Love ya!”

“Love you too Ro!” You smile at her. Something in the short statement pulls at your heartstrings even after all this time.

You were forever grateful to have a friend that cared this much for you. That you could tell her anything without judgment. That the two of you would always be by each other’s side.

In fact, you couldn’t begin to imagine being this close with anyone else.

Maybe that's why your heart was beating so fast in your chest. Because she was so special to you.

Sure, thoughts of a deeper bond had crossed your mind before, but those were just that. Thoughts. You weren’t even into girls like that! And she definitely wasn’t either, always being quick to deny accusations of that nature. Plus, she was totally into this new friend she had made at her summer job. Why else would she follow him to her new job at the video store after things, well, fell through with Scoops Ahoy.

As you turned the corner your heartbeat finally slowed, your thoughts slowing as well as you located your first period history class and took a seat near the back. You werent certain you’d have many friends in this class; you had always been sort of a loner when the company of your best friend was absent.

Just as the bell rang, a taller boy with long dark hair and a t-shirt with words you couldn’t make out slid into the desk right next to you, large rings on his fingers clicking against the wood as he did so. Turning your head, you met his eyes. He shot you an exasperated expression, followed by a mischievous smile before he turned toward the front to pay attention to the lesson that had just begun.

This was sure to be an interesting year if nothing else.

#robin buckley fluff #robin buckley x you #robin buckley x reader #robin buckley angst #robin buckley imagine #robin buckley x female reader #robin buckley fic #stranger things 4 #eddie munson #steve harrington #robin buckley x best friend!reader #stranger things

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dream-to-be-frog · 3 years ago

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small things i adore about dil dhadakne do:

how farah picked ayesha to dance with and how in scenes they are both in they genuinely get along and seem to talk and enjoy each other’s presence....

the way they seem like real people..... when ayesha asks for a divorce her voice starts off hushed and choked..... when she tells her family she doesn’t want to be with manav anymore (the first time, on accident) she walks out and her freakout walking seems natural.. like i walk like that when i am sick and anxious after an outburst....

the sibling interactions are actually SO GOOD... when kabir is laying on ayesha’s bed and steals her ice cream just to mess with her and in gallan goodiyan when they hook arms and are just being silly goofy together without it seeming weird or forced or weirdly sexual between sibling banter (a trend that fills me with fear and makes me want to puke) and how they support each other, especially against their parents

the couples all have like. really good chemistry. (noorie and rana we see less of but they’re genuinely cute too.) like sunny and ayesha have so much shit they haven’t even discussed but are so very obviously in love with each other. like how farah and kabir are in such a new relationship but everything kind of clicks for them but the arguments and fights seem natural for how new it is while also showing their closeness.

the way all of the family is shown to have problems... kabir is an ass businessman and doesn’t know what he wants out of life besides that it is not this...... ayesha hates her marriage and can barely stand her husband and has so many unresolved feelings for sunny...... neelam kind of sucks but i DO feel bad about how awful it must have been to know your husband was cheating on you but not be socially or financially in a place or society to leave him and how that makes her binge eat....... how kamal definitely sucks but he has anxiety and shit... like i may not like the parents but at times i can sympathize and they are both very human even in their badness... anyway y’all all therapy please my fucking god

the FRIENDSHIPS.... you can tell even in limited interactions how much kabir and noorie love each other, how close sunny and ayesha used to be, how well ayesha and divya get along even though they probably don’t see each other so often despite being cousins, how divya and rana and noorie are all friends now,

they have some really fucking good dialogue.... once again it flows very naturally and this is a very repressed group of people so whenever something comes to the surface they have to make sure it’s done right and it always is... the ayesha and sunny arguments are always so real sounding.. yo

the way that ayesha followed farah out when the fake noorie news came out... BESTFRIENDISM

kabir holding sunny’s entire head and saying seriously into his eyes: “i love you” (and then running off yelling “ayesha is getting a divorce” so true bestie)

kabir jumping off the fucking cruise ship like booboo the fool and sunny yelling right before he jumps “NO NO THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT” LMFAOOOOOO

mixed feelings on priyanka chopra as a person but she is SO BEAUTIFUL THIS WHOLE MOVIE her outfits her makeup her hair flawless i am so gay

the way that when kamal goes to attack the ship people to get a lifeboat all his friends are like okay i guess we are holding these random authority men down despite yelling at his son who he is trying to save like 3 minutes ago

neelu saying let me come with you! if not now then when! and the way ayesha fuckin’ dives under that man’s arm right as sunny comes barrelling towards him trying to help her get past and him asking are you okay. listen this whole scene is so good

“sunny? mera intezaar karoge?” “HAMESHA KE LIYE”

how this scene doesn’t wrap the movie TOO perfectly? it’s like: they are all trying to do better, but they are still working on it, and there are a lot of things they’ll need to learn to communicate through and work on together but maybe things can be okay

#frog watches bollywood #dil dhadakne do #bollywood #fuckin love this movie #this was legit my comfort movie for YEARS

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marxism-transgenderism · 3 years ago

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Transgender feelings under the cut

I have been out as a trans woman for like 4 years of my life and I've been on hormones for like 8 months. Yet even despite being this far into my transition, dresses are still such a struggle for me. Back before I knew I was a trans woman I used to wear dresses a lot more, mainly for drag or for particularly gay events. But even back then, I only wore a select few dresses, mainly ones that covered a lot of my body.

But now that I'm a trans woman, things are just different now. I'm no longer wearing a dress to look camp and entertain or as a rebellious genderbending statement. Now when I wear a dress, I do so because I just want to look like a pretty woman. I'm much more vulnerable now. Indeed, the thing that made me realize I was trans was when my friends all did my makeup and put me in a dress.

No over the top drag make up, no fancy clothing to make everything pop, just some pretty makeup and a pretty dress. And despite having worn many dresses many time before that, I can still remember my trembling anxiety walking out of that bathroom to show to my friends.

While coming out has allowed me to remove the things from my life that obscured who I truly am from myself, it has also removed the tools with which I could deflect the transphobic gaze and words of other.

The trans guy from work gave me a bunch of old feminine clothes last week, including many dresses. And I did the thing I always do when I receive clothes from transmasc friends: I put them in the pile of other feminine clothes which I still have yet to wash and put away. I was so incredibly excited to get them from him, as I have been about all the other clothes I've gotten, but every time I look at them I just can't bring myself to try most of them on. I'm just too scared of how I'll look.

Cause in truth despite all my lofty words, all my praise of and efforts towards self love, all my displays of confidence and arrogance, I still feel ugly a lot of the time. I still worry about my weight, my hips, my shoulders, and my chest. I still feel like I take up too much space simply by existing. I still worry that everyone around me just views me as a man.

I showed a friend one of of my dresses, their first response was a shocked "does that fit you?" I was talking to my now ex about how I don't pass, her first response was to tell me "no you're beautiful." Dozens upon dozens of these little moments, these little slips from others, burn in me.

I still hate that my very presence makes me stick out like a sore thumb no matter if that attention is praise or hate. It's always been like this, so I've just learned to cope with it by embracing it and living in it, but that really does just make me resent it all the more. Any amount of gender performance makes me hyper visible, and baby there aren't many things that make you more hyper visible than being a man-woman walking around in public in a dress and heels.

The trans guy from work keeps talking about how much he wants to see me in a dress. He keeps telling me how gorgeous I would look, and it makes me cry every time because I want to do that for him. I desperately want to be the pretty girl holding onto my man's arm and being taken out of dates to be shown off. But I'm still just so scared. I'm scared of looking ugly, I'm scared of attracting the wrong kind of attention, I'm scared of being hurt again.

So tonight while cuddling, he reassured me that it's completely fine if I don't want to wear dresses in public yet, but asked if he could at least see me in one of the ones he gave me. The moment he said that, I began tearing up as my heart filled with excitement and terror. It made me so excited to be able to do something that makes him this happy, but I was still so scared of what I'd look like. He said I didn't have to, but I explained that I was just emotional but that I very much did want to try in the dress for him.

As soon as I said yes he instantly bounced up and over to my closet to grab the dress he wanted to see me in. It's dark blue, velvet, short around the waist, and absolutely gorgeous. And when I put it on and called him over to tell him to come see, I felt exactly like I was back in my friends bathroom at 17 again. Nervous, but excited.

The look that he gave me as soon as he saw me instantly reassured me. He looked like he was melting from pride and lust, and he practically ran up to me to hold me and feel me and tell my just how pretty I look. He took me by the hand into the bathroom and had me look in the mirror and told me to look at just how gorgeous I am. And I couldn't help but tear up again because, for the first time in a long time while wearing a dress, I actually did feel beautiful.

The way it showed off my breasts, the way it hugged my tummy, and the way it accentuated my curves all looked fucking incredible, and looking up to see his hands excitedly feeling every part of me they could just made me realize how all this beauty I was seeing was me. That it was my body which I was staring at and which he was feeling.

Telling me to look at myself is one of his favorite things to do whenever we fuck. Whenever he sees me closing my eyes to burying my face in the bed, he always tells me to look up and "see just how pretty you are." And every time he does it it makes me want to kiss him cause yeah! I am fucking pretty! I know how attractive I am (especially now that I have tits and an ass!) but he makes actually feel attractive.

In the past few weeks he has not only made me feel like more of a woman, but more confident as a woman than I've managed to build in myself in years. His encouragement and praise has made me feel a confidence that I'd only felt for brief moments before. All my insecurities haven't suddenly disappeared, but with him the idea of wearing a dress in public doesn't seem nearly as scary as it did before. For the first time in a long time, I'm actually excited by the idea of wearing a dress in public.

#hes coming over tomorrow night and he asked me to wear one if the dresses again and im just so 💞

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smellslikestalejam · 2 years ago

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I just finished watching Dead End:Paranormal Park and I have to say i loved it. I felt so… seen.

first, we have Barney

As he himself explains in the first episode, he is trans. In him I 100% see myself, to be honest. The issues with his family, mainly with his grandma. How his parents say that he should be grateful they accept him, and hold it against him. Why did you run away? We accepted you, and that’s how you repay us? Big time. How he says that’s what family is supposed to do. His worst nightmare being his grandma.

I can relate to all this. I came out to my mom via letter and she just told everybody, included my grandma. She begun treating me differently, and hurting me. Nobody has ever hurt me as much as my grandma did. And the fact of not being able to tell anybody… hurts. It stays inside. You feel different. A misfit. I live how he manages to make a life of his own away from home. A place where he can be himself, and can disclose who he is without any pressure.

Another important theme is his tendency to escape when things get tough. his escape is both physical, to the park, and mental, when he is in the queue. In a way, this can be an example of dissociation and distancing oneself from one’s own feelings. guess what? i feel that. just not knowing how to feel and deciding not to feel at all. the comfort of numbness. finding a place and staying there, a place where you are untouchable. but… Barney realises he is missing out. Barney doesn’t want to to that anymore. so he choses to get in touch with his parents, to show his face again. things don’t go the way he had planned, but for the first time he has had the courage to do something. key moment for him. I also loved how he doesn’t go back home after all. he has found his place, his new home; and one home, the old one, doesn’t have to exclude the other. they can coexist.

also not answering his brother’s texts, not knowing what to say? the emphasis on big bro? the fear of losing him. he loves him but he is so afraid he ends up pushing him (and everybody) away.

Most importantly: he finds love. An it’s a man. I can’t stress enough how important this is. Gay trans man in a kids show? Holy shit. Also, he does not fit in any stereotype. He is not idealised, neither in his personality nor in appearance. He is human. He is relatable. He is everymen. How can I stress this enough? He healed my soul. I saw myself on screen for the first time. It made me really happy.

Then, there’s her: Norma Khan

Iperprotective mum. Social anxiety. Panic attacks. I can go on all day. The way she slowly makes friends with Barney? Not in one go. Baby steps. Measured it out.

Also, in the episode on team building? I love the way they didn’t downplay anybody’s fears. When Barney understands the extent of Norma’s anxiety he says that his fear seems so dumb now. Norma tells him that it’s not. And that matters too. Why should fears and anxiety feel like a competition? They simply shouldn’t. Their fears are all valid, no matter how big they are.

Also in that episode, the fact that she feels like everybody can be social but her? Same. Same. S A ME. It really puts thing into perspective. Like she is under an enormous pressure in a situation where other people are enjoying themselves. And for her, it’s always like that. Anxiety is a bitch. But the portrait really felt real and relatable.

Talking about friends vs family, we have all the dynamic with Barney. Favourite scenes? When he refers to his friends as family (their friends matter being a family matter) in front of his parents. Norma is key in this. Whereas Barney’s struggle is to find love and be loved as he is, Norma’s is finding friends. She never leaves home and only has her mom. She has her walls up. She trusts nothing and nobody but Pauline Phoenix. But she learns. She learns that it can be nice to have friends. And she is taking it at her own pace.

And then there’s out favourite demon: Courtney

she is… the part of me I hate the most. she has been alone for so long she is used to being rejected, ignored and just not thought of. and boy oh boy, how can I relate to her. in Christmas in July, she expects Barney not to have gotten her a gift. then she acts rudely.

she has never had friends, and she just doesn’t know what to do. or better: she has been hurt before. she has got her walls put up. it doesn’t help that she gets hurt as soon as her walls begin falling, as she lowers her defences.

she starts off as a pretty decided character: her goal is to go home. but soon, the humans grow on her. she likes being with them, they feel like family, and they make her consider that well, even though she can’t go home, at least she has friends. then things go wrong. when she realises just how much she misses them, after having betrayed them, she expects them not to forgiver her; but they do. and she realises she is home. that they, and the park, are her home.

i just love this show so much??? it gave me hope for the future. rn i haven’t got many friends and i feel i am in a place where i don’t belong. next year im starting uni and it’s giving me anxiety: meeting new people, a new environment, new course of study… but I want to believe I have learnt something from Barney, Norma and Courtney. and I know that there are people like me out there. it’s nice to feel seen, for once.

(btw their friendship? goals)

#dead end paranormal park #dead end spoilers #barney #barney dead end #FtM #transmasc #norma khan

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pokesplendor · 3 years ago

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carmela’s team from my pokemon shield playthrough! not as happy with this bunch... info beneath the cut!

Graves - Inteleon - she/he - lesbian White - cis woman - age 30

Graves came from a very unconventional background prior to entering into the League circuit. Having raised since she was young by Interpol for undercover operations, she was there and experienced things a child shouldn’t for the sake of ‘justice.’ Who’s justice is really to question in this situation, as she never had a say. It’s only once she reached legal age did she take a ‘vacation’ and decide to try the league. That’s where she re-encountered Ella, who she had met on the job in the Champion’s guard. She uses her combat skills she gained from her rigorous upbringing, which you’d think would cause her to dominate the field, but that isn’t the case. She’s actually fairly bad at it.

She has a bit of a problem interacting with others. She was trained in how to act natural, friendly, and unassuming, but she doesn’t know how to not act. What’s Graves’ personality? Well, she’s a crybaby whenever she’s alone. Little things upset her, her anxiety ramps up her paranoia, and she keeps it all saved beneath the surface until she’s alone and then she cries. Other than crying in her off time, she’s a voracious reader, and particularly likes poetry.

If Graves could ever be honest with herself, she’d admit she’s fallen for Ella quite hard. That bright ball of sunshine brought a smile to her face in a way she hadn’t experienced before. But she wasn’t able to voice her feelings, and Ella is now sadly taken. She’s also a poor leader, along with a poor battler, and she doesn’t garner much respect from her team. She’s often spoken over by Crusher.

Crusher - Sirfetch’d - she/her - lesbian White - cis woman - age 34

Crusher likes to think she’s a gallant, chivalrous knight that leaves women quaking with soaked undies are her arrival and her deep, rusty voice sends shivers up their spine when she announces herself, and she’d like to think that everyone wants her around, but she’s wrong. She butted her way into Graves’ team, seeing its lack of, well, many things, leadership, power, attractiveness… They obviously would benefit from her accompaniment. She didn’t care what they had to say, she was going to be on their team and they were going to worship her for what she brings to the table. She’d like to think she’s wanted, but honestly, not very much so.

As if it wasn’t evidence enough, Crusher is extremely up her own ass, overconfident, and unfortunately, with enough power to back up her words. She’s a demon on the field, knocking enemies out with a single sweep sometimes. She works out on the regular, and doesn’t wear armor to show off her many (sexy) battle scars. Otherwise, she’s into collecting antique tea sets and little glass kittens to display back home. Her house is full of them.

Crusher likes to think (man she likes to think a lot of things) that everyone on the team is slightly in love with her, when she is tolerated at best. Goliath likes her, but Goliath likes everyone. He spots for her when they’re working out together, and she respects him for his strength. She’s especially hard on Thrasher and Maverick for not pulling their weight until they evolved, citing them as a weakness.

Goliath - Grimmsnarl - he/they - gay Japanese - nonbinary - age 21

Goliath hails from the Glimmwood Tangle, from quite a large and loving family, but he got it in his head that he had to see the world beyond the forest clearing, he wanted to see where all the people braving its endless maze to reach the gym were about, he wanted to know! A regular yearning princess wishing to see what’s beyond her tower she’s been trapped in. And this is the family business Matilda had to leave her swamp for, bringing his ass home. She got there a little too late, however, already picked up by Graves’ group and registered into gym fights. He couldn’t leave! He made a promise to help! And look at his cool new friends.

When not spent daydreaming about adventures he could be having, he likes to keep in shape. His family home requires constant upkeep, lest the magical wood overgrows anything manmade within a few days. He likes to read, despite struggling with it due to his dyslexia, and he hopes to write his own book one day about what he’s experienced, he wants to have an adventure worth filling a book with. He’s a very positive lad, a happy one, who tries to share the happiness with those around him.

Goliath is still young, but he’s pretty sure about who he is as a person, he knows where he stands on morals, and her own identity as well. He’s chivalrous and kind, always trying to get the team to work together and get along. It has varying results. Grievous loves to mother him, and he likes to think he’s pals with Graves. Despite being younger, he tries to protect Thrasher and Maverick.

Blitz - Centiscorch - she/her - queer White - cis woman - age 33

Blitz, like Graves, was raised by Interpol for infiltration and undercover work. Unlike Graves, however, while the Inteleon was sanded down to being a weak, anxiety-ridden mess, it only strengthened Blitz’ nerves of steel, causing her to become cold and calculating. She only joined the League circuit because she had a mandated vacation following losing her leg from the knee down, and she didn’t want to get rusty on her skills. Not to mention she saw Graves attempting to lead and failing at it and thought she’d stick around to demean her for her lack of anything worthy of use for Interpol’s workings.

She doesn’t have many hobbies, she likes working out, staying fit, and occasionally cooking some ultra healthy superfood, but it’s not like cooking is her passion. She doesn’t understand why people think you need to have a life outside of your work, she’s perfectly happy to just always be on the job and do as it demands. She smokes, but only the occasional cigarette so as to not negatively affect her health. She’s a woman of few loves, few words, and she thinks that’s just fine.

Blitz scoffs when the team tries to have any sort of ‘get to know each other’ exercise. It’s never in good faith, and just ends in disaster so she tries to avoid it. Grevious tries to mother her on occasion, for whatever reason, she never had a mother and she doesn’t want one, so she doesn’t understand why her face gets flushed and hands get sweaty when the dragon’s around.

Maverick - Corviknight - she/her - lesbian White - trans woman - age 32

Maverick is a failed knight from olden times; she was sealed in a tomb in the slumbering weld with her previous king as a way to protect him in the next life, only to be revived by Graves and Ella exploring the area. Being awoken in modern times, she had a lot to learn and get used to, part of it being her king is no more. The body is gone, and the tomb ransacked. She failed, and this weighs heavy on her shoulders through the journey. She agreed to follow Graves, sensing a nobility to her, Ella already having Thomasin by her side while Graves had no one. She is skilled in battle, if not unsure of herself due to her failings during both in the past, and while she was asleep.

She holds herself to high standards, almost impossible for her to meet, but no one else. She does not expect others to keep up her strict training regime, it is for her alone to shoulder the burden of being known as a failure. Despite that statement, Crusher constantly challenges her, and they’re often sparring with one another. In her off time, she enjoys weaving and is learning the modern trades of ‘sewing’ and ‘crochet.’ She enjoys making clothes for herself and others.

Her strict lifestyle doesn’t give her many moments to herself or to consider her feelings for others. She dedicates herself to a cause and thinks of little else. However she enjoys Grevious’ company. She does notice the occasional stares from others, such as Thomasin from Ella’s team, and she wonders what it could mean. Does she resent her for not joining Ella? It seemed only fair at the time.

Grevious - Dragapult - she/her - bi Vietnamese - trans woman - age 45

The ghost of a test pilot that went down during a new dirigible’s trial run over Galar. Her body was never found, believed to be incinerated by the blast, and her spirit has hung on to the area as she never got a proper burial. Graves, hearing her plight, followed her to her remains, giving her the burial she deserved. Freed from her prison, she was free to pass on, but she denied doing so, she had to repay Graves for her service. And so, she was conscripted to the gym challenge, one she had seen many travelers pass by speaking of such a thing and she was always curious just what exactly it was. She had heard things of course, but nothing is better than first hand experience.

Grievous is a very noble person, but not too stuffy either. She loves a good joke, she loves puns, and she loves giving people a good fright with her ghostly status. It’s all in good fun, she’d never do anything malicious or something that would genuinely harm others! She loves to fly, she had always loved to fly, and dying didn’t exactly rob her of that love. Now she can do it without a plane! She spent so long as spirit, she kind of forgot what having hobbies is like, and she’s trying new things!

She’s a very motherly person, and, being the oldest of the group, feels very maternal towards all the young little ones around her. She’s particularly concerned for Graves and Blitz upon hearing around their upbringing. That’s no way to treat a child! She does her best to tend to the others of the group. Though she would be lying if she didn’t say that Crusher pushed her buttons more than once.

Thrasher - Obstagoon - they/them - lesbian Black - transmasc nonbinary - age 24

Thrasher comes from a foster home full of wayward kids who grew up on the downward spiral of life, and they themselves weren’t an exception. Originally from Spikemuth, they never knew their parents and their foster home travels were rough. No one seemed to want to keep them, and at one point they got sick of it and ran away from home. They ran and ran and never looked back, and found a job working in the professor’s lab in Postwick. They didn’t ask them where they were from, nor tried to contact anyone else, so it was good for them. They met Graves early into their gym circuit and decided to join her to perform some field work for the professor.

They’re quite down on themselves, never feeling like they’ll accomplish anything of worth. They couldn’t be a good child, they’re not a good battler, it took them a while to come into their own, and Crusher needling them constantly didn’t help. In their spare time, they play guitar and sing covers of existing songs. They don’t have a knack for writing, just another thing they fail at. It’s been a tough life, and they stumble along the way constantly trying to get to a better tomorrow.

Thrasher is a shy sort when it comes to their feelings, they haven’t been engendered into showing their vulnerable side to others. And Graves’ group isn’t exactly what you’d call family. But it’s a nice change of pace and they almost feel… wanted. And Grevious is a nice addition to their life. To have such a motherly person doting on them is, well, a dream come true.

#pokemon gijinka #pokemon humanization #inteleon #sirfetch'd #grimmsnarl #centiskorch #corviknight #dragapult #obstagoon #graves #crusher #goliath #blitz #maverick #grevious #thrasher

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itoldsunset · 3 years ago

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rewatching ipytm episode 2: thoughts

apologies in advance for this very messy, very long bullet scene-by-scene commentary!

summary: this was a very hard episode to watch and rewatch. the frustration with teh is real, the hurt for oh-aew is real. but the fear of change and abandonment, and the fear of admitting your own insecurities, is SO coming of age and i love that we get to see teh grappling with what happens when the idealistic vision you had for your life slowly starts to crumble.

also, this episode (and possibly the entirety of part 2) was 100% the writers' and p'meen's love letter to comm arts students/graduates, and even though i am a total outsider to that world, it really touched my heart to see the diversity of experiences and struggles reflected here.

i love that we see how much closer teh has become with jai and khim!! this doesn't translate in the subs, but i thought it was interesting how teh used respectful pronouns with them when he was a first-year and now for the most part uses rude (familiar) pronouns with them as a second-year, even though they're still technically his seniors. i think it goes to show how close they've become since he first joined the drama club.

goy was so fucking CUTE in that scene when she said "oh, lots of boys are peeking at me, i'm shy" i think i'm in love 😭 also the cinematography of that scene!!

this episode does such a great job at making you feel uncomfortable along with the characters. i hated how uncomfortable teh was at the birthday party, and i could feel how out of place he felt there.

when mangpong talks about how easy it is for celebrities to make money and teh is clearly offended by that and speaks up against it (which results in yet another awkward uncomfortable moment), i feel like he's speaking up on behalf of khim who we later realize is basically his idol and the person he identifies the most with. i feel like p'meen and the writing team are really trying to represent the lives of people who go into communication arts, especially those who go in with an interest in performing arts. and for me that scene with mangpong communicates two things: 1) the defensiveness that comes with having your chosen career path misunderstood or reduced into something that's easy money, and 2) how close-knit and protective the drama club is of each other, because teh speaking up in defense of actors to me feels like he's defending this identity they all share as people who are struggling to make it in the industry.

oh-aew is SO sweet. getting a tattoo that resembles your partner's name gives me so much anxiety, but i guess he's 19 and has always been sure of his feelings so it does make sense for him. at first glance teh's reaction really just makes it sound like he's against tattoos, drinking, all that, like he's super old-fashioned, but it's not REALLY about the tattoo and we learn that later when they have their big fight and he blows up with all the nitpicky little things he's noticed about all the ways oh-aew has changed. i thought it was so cute how au basically showed off his tattoo to open the conversation for oh-aew to show teh his tattoo though. we love a supportive friend group!!!

"this tattoo is pretty. thank you." this is teh being as genuine as he can, as someone who is seriously not in touch with his own feelings and can't understand why he's so upset at oh-aew getting a tattoo. because again it's not the tattoo itself that's the problem, but what it represents for teh, which is oh-aew's world slowly expanding to include people and things that are foreign to teh, and he worries that one day that world won't have a place for him anymore.

drunk oh-aew speaking mandarin, and teh taking care of him!!! the only fluff we got all episode and i will cherish it forever and ever, like the aquarium scene from episode one. the fact that teh brought over the stuffed animal, kissed oh-aew on the forehead, and then decided to sleep over on the floor next to him? making him kimchi jjigae? so soft!! our boy has got a lot of issues to work through but he loves oh-aew for sure.

the scene where oh-aew is receiving feedback on his performance from his professor is so... oof. the fact that his classmate got positive feedback for portraying a gay man in a way that isn't stereotypical (read: masculine? i wonder?) and the fact that oh-aew was critiqued for unsuccessfully portraying the tone and mannerisms of a man who doesn't understand gay people? it's a bit subtler than what we hear from the casting director but i swear it's the same shit. and it really doesn't surprise me at all to see oh-aew not believe in himself and his ability to perform because of it.

teh saying "both of us" and being so excited about their casting opportunity!! 😭 and also, khim being such a sweetheart and helping them get this opportunity in the first place!

the contrast with how happy oh-aew looked when the advertising professor told him he had the right answer, compared to how torn down he looked after being critiqued and told he got a C by his acting professor (in front of the whole class!!). which tbh for me is subtle commentary on how much influence professors have on students' self-confidence and whether they believe in their own ability to succeed in their field.

the commentary on sexism and homophobia in the thai entertainment industry!! khim being told she looked too old, not smart enough, not believable, honestly all coded ways of saying she didn't fit in with the beauty standard they were going for. and while khim is saying this we see oh-aew is already getting nervous, because he's already had his confidence shaken by his experiences in class. and then when we get to the scene where the casting director says he's too girly and asks him to act more manly, we see oh-aew's mood shift completely, and honestly it hurts to watch. pp did such an amazing job here because i felt it, like the way oh-aew's eyes change, and then he swallows right after, and how unsettled he sounds trying to deliver the line again after hearing that critique.

oh-aew listening to khim tell teh about how hard it's been for her to break into the industry is so impactful, because you can already tell what he's thinking. is this really worth it? do i want this enough to endure people telling me over and over again i'm not masculine enough for them? is that going to be me in the future, being rejected from hundreds of castings and still not making it?

when teh hugs khim and says "we will get through this together," it's so clear that he identifies with her struggle. teh is someone who has worked his ass off to get to where he is (remember his fight with his mom where she said he lost sleep and was getting sick from all the studying he did?), and he sees himself in khim and her passion and ambition. meanwhile, we see oh-aew really doubting whether this is the right path for him.

i love how teh immediately asked if oh-aew was okay after oh-aew told him about what the casting director said, and how teh reassured him that he liked oh-aew the way he is. it's like, he so clearly cares for oh-aew and loves him so much and sometimes knows how to show it well, and then other times just fucks it up. it's so real??

oh-aew deciding to change majors three months into it is a very oh-aew thing to do, and what i mean by that is, this is a character who is super in touch with himself and his feelings and trusts in himself to make the right decisions. he's not afraid to change his mind (remember when he was testing out his feelings for bas and teh and then turned down bas once he knew?), he's bold and goes for what he wants. and i envy that about his character so much. but it makes me sad to know that the thing that was making him nervous during this scene was the fact that he was worried about how teh would react. like he went through all that questioning and critique himself, to finally discover his answer, only to now have to worry about whether his partner will accept him.

teh, on the other hand, has had his whole life planned out since forever. he feels the need to know and control everything. he has so much fear and insecurity. and he is stubborn and doesn't believe in giving up, which he believes is what oh-aew is doing. and on top of that, he sees this as another way in which he is losing oh-aew. one more thing oh-aew has in common with his friend group that doesn't include him. one more way that he's becoming a smaller part of oh-aew's world. oh-aew looked so small in the bathtub scene and i just wanted to hold him 😔

the 8 month time skip is a little jarring because of all the things we don't get to see, but i guess it makes sense if teh has been bottling up his insecurities about their relationship that it would all blow up in everyone's face in the way that it did at the dinner scene.

it was interesting to me how teh hesitated when oh-aew texted that he would join them for dinner, like teh didn't want oh-aew to come along with his drama club. and then once oh-aew arrives at the restaurant, we see that teh isn't totally happy either. it's like as much as teh feels like an outsider in oh-aew's world, he seems to also see oh-aew as an outsider in his own world too. and when top says he wanted to get into comm arts at anantasart but he didn't get in, we see teh's expression and it's like, a reminder that he gave up that spot for oh-aew, that teh didn't pass the admissions exam either, and that oh-aew who did pass has now "given up" on it (in teh's eyes) to pursue another major. it's like teh also feels betrayed on behalf of all the performing arts kids who are struggling to make their passion into a career.

i feel like i sort of get why teh said all that shit about oh-aew at the dinner table now. i'm not excusing it at all, that was super shitty of him. but i wonder if it's like, this is a thing they deal with in the performing arts, people giving up because it's so hard to make it in the industry. and you watch your friends leave one by one, and it keeps causing more and more doubt in yourself about whether you can make it. and now that teh sees oh-aew as someone who's given up, he doesn't want that energy at the dinner table with his drama friends, like he wants to protect them from that and keep up with this "we can get through this together" mentality that he keeps saying. so it's easier for him to try to dismiss it as oh-aew's personality flaw, rather than a legitimate change in career path, because he's worried about how it might affect his own friends in the drama club. and we see how protective teh is of khim, when he says "what the fuck did you just say?" like he really shares an identity with his drama club and it's clear he thinks oh-aew doesn't understand it or belong there.

needless to say, i was extremely stressed that entire dinner scene which i think means the writers, p'meen, and the actors did an excellent job.

their fight scene was really amazingly done and i am just stunned by teh's response when oh-aew asks him "what if this is who i really am, would you not like me anymore?" and teh thinks about it for a bit, and says "maybe." that's him being genuine, he's not trying to hurt oh-aew in saying that, and we can see him internally asking himself that question. but he doesn't know the answer, because he can't even be honest with himself about why he's upset at oh-aew. so he says the first thing he thinks which is an honest "maybe," and then he immediately regrets his words, and at some point he's going to have to learn that he can't just say the first thing that comes to mind, when other people's feelings are at stake. also, the fucking piano that plays? the violin? goddamn.

khim's character is really here to teach teh, and all of us, some life lessons. she is so real. her struggles are so real. life is fucking hard, and it's not fair, and no matter how hard you work or try you can't have it all. "the conditions for our lives are not the same" holy shit yes. she wants to take care of her family and her dog, she can't just think of herself. i feel like teh, who comes from a relatively modest background but has always had hoon as a father figure to support his mom, probably doesn't feel that same burden.

teh being frustrated and going to the bridge was beautiful. the crying hug scene at the dorm was so beautiful.

i love that in the end, teh finally owns up to his own insecurities and apologizes and admits he was wrong. of course, this was after oh-aew reached out to him first. i think it's totally realistic that we see his growth happening kind of slowly, but before the series ends he's going to need to be the first one to reach out, because oh-aew can't hold all of that on his own.

the last score when they hug under the moonlight, i love it!!

#ipytm #i promised you the moon #ipytm spoilers #textpost #i hope someone sees this lmao i know it's 3am dfslkjghfgjlk

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misskittysmagicportal · 4 years ago

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can i request something to do with the thing about vincent having tics while giving oral or just vincent giving oral general i love the way you write things

I Think We're Alone Now

(Vincent Rhodes x Fem!Reader)

Warnings: language, talk of mental health, fem!receiving oral

A/N: With the pandemic keeping you and Vincent apart, he was glad that being alone didn't mean being lonely.

Vincent Rhodes didn't tic as bad or as much in his thirties. He wasn't cured. He didn't take medicine that made them magically go away. He took meds for his anxiety, and the “cure” was still going to therapy with Dr Rose. He didn't go daily or weekly or even monthly anymore. He managed every other month. Sometimes, perhaps, every three to four months. Yet it took twenty-five to finally accept a cliche: Tourette's wasn't Vincent, Vincent simply HAD Tourette's.

Don't worry though, cunt is still his favorite word.

Vincent also did all the things he told Marie he wanted to do. He finished school and went to college online. He found himself rather good at computers and a job that required the bare minimum of human interaction. His Tourette's was under control, but his social anxiety never seemed to be. We digress!

He had a job, and a place to call home that wasn't a treatment facility or a hoarder’s house bogged down by sadness and alcoholism. Vincent didn't find it shameful that his father bought him a condo. He and his roommate had an agreement to pay utilities and work on the re-election campaign.

Vincent finally had a dog. A dog he had to fight for because his roommate had.. Rituals. Rituals that also weren't as bad as they used to be thanks to the same therapy and right medication. Just like you can't get rid of Tourette's, Vincent couldn't get rid of Alex either. That was his first, and really only, friend. As tumultuous as they started out, if you survive a road trip with two neurodivergents, you're pretty much bonded for life. Alex was sometimes more work than their dog.

Vincent and Alex did things in their late twenties and early thirties they never thought they'd do. They went out. They dated around. They had awkward sex and one night stands that the two of them could finally laugh about. Vincent could hide, or save his tics from popping up during his dates. He could even manage to hold them off when he had sex. He was relaxed and focused on the woman beneath or above him.

But then he would spasm, or twist and pop his mouth. He would unintentionally squeal or swear, call her names or flip her off. Instead of understanding Vincent, or talking to him, whoever the girl of the moment was would leave and never come back. Fuck her, Vincent would think. I can't help that I have Tourette’s; she can help being an asshole.

-----

There could not have been a worse time in anyone’s life for you to meet quite possibly the single hottest guy in your neighborhood. At least, you thought he was in your neighborhood. You kept running into each other at various stores to the point you found yourself quoting an old movie from college.

“Are you stalking me?” You boldly questioned him one afternoon as he pondered Mcintosh versus Fiji apples. “Because that would be super.”

The man jumped. Then to your shock, he spasmed almost violently. His neck twisted to the left as his hand held on to his chin and yelled out, “Brown haired cunt! Grass licking big tits.”

You laughed. It wasn't malicious or in jest. You were nervous and stunned. Still you replied, “Normally a guy has to date me for a while before he calls me a cunt. Now as for grass licking? That was only once, but I was high and we were playing truth or dare.”

He stared at you, mouth agape. A violent spasm rocked his body again like an aftershock. It caused him to excessively blow a dark curl back from his forehead several times before his body relaxed and he appeared to sink in on himself. Embarrassed. A pink hue spread along his cheeks and angled jaw as he gazed at the apples again with large green eyes.

“You ok? I wouldn't say I've got big tits. They're more like medium sized. Unless you were talking about the melons.” You held up two cantaloupe in front of your chest. “I’m y/n”

Again with the mouth open staring. Then he came to, “Vincent. I've never had someone react to Arthur that way.”

“I'm from New York. That was a Saturday night in the village. Who’s Arthur?” You looked around. “Are you being held hostage? Scream cunt for yes. Vagina for no.”

Vincent laughed. It was almost a giggle that you weren't sure was a laugh or his thing. “Arthur is my Tourette's. He's the clown who shits in between my thoughts. My tics. You scared the piss out of him.”

“You named your Tourette's? You can't do that, they never go away once you name them.”

Vincent rolled his eyes, “ DAMMIT! I'll take away his bowl of food and dog bed too. Maybe I'll finally be cured!”

You didn't want him to think you felt something was wrong with him. “Mostly with all of this, I meant I keep seeing you around. Thought I'd say hi.”

“How about we exchange phone numbers, and you can say hello more often?” Vincent cocked an eyebrow.

“Bold of you to assume calling me a cunt is flirting! But you got it out of the way now instead of down the line. Give me your phone.”

He obliged and you put your number in. As you handed it back you joked, “Should've told me you had a much sexier friend.” You indicated Alex on the phone’s wallpaper.

“He's gay.”

“Damn! Lucky for men. Anyways, I work most days. Don't know how long with everything happening out there. Call me sometime?”

Vincent twitched and wolf whistled. He shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose, but promised he would nonetheless. But then pandemic happened, so all you had for the next six months was your phone

-----

You met Alex and learned his rituals and empathized with his panic to follow or abide by heath guidance. His OCD aggravated by everything going on. Vincent couldn't even go for a run without his friend completely freaking out, so he just didn't. Their balcony was it for fresh air.

You took tours of each other's apartments. Had dinners and breakfasts together. Shared what books you were reading and watched movies together. Vincent teased you about your fat, lazy cat and you did likewise over his ten pound shih tzu. Although, you admitted, it was because she got to share a bed with him.

Somehow in month 5 you were roped into a three way phone call with his dad. Senator Rhodes and Vincent seemed to have an easy relationship, but you were filled in later that it was anything but for a very long time. So you turned the tables one night, and introduced him to your entire family.

Forgetting about his Tourette's, because you had really grown used to it all. To the tics, the whistles and excessive use of the word cunt (Pandemic drinking game, Vincent’s idea) that his biggest episode since you met stunned not only you but your clan. Vincent had buried his face, you were terrified of your mistake. But you got it from somewhere.

“Sure you ain't from Brooklyn, kid?!” Thank Christ for meathead brothers.

“This is dating right?” Vincent asked after their dinner. “Pandemic, COVID, for now dating. Even though,” he paused to twist his neck, “One of my coworkers has uh, dick appointments all the time?” He snapped a finger several times and shouted something about a whore and syphilis.

“Hey! Tell Arthur to fuck off. Sexual liberation. She's not a whore, she's in her twenties!” Vincent laughed. “Are you nervous about something? Usually the bedtime part of our phone calls are the least tic-ish.”

“Wanna have sex?” He was straightforward.

“Right now? Facetime sex?” You scrunch your nose but more to be cute than creeped out.

“Here. Alex is asleep. Come over? We've been isolated for months.”

“God, I love you.”

“What?” Vincent laughed. “Are you sure about that?”

“I'll be there in twenty minutes.”

-----

Vincent opened the door and implored you to take your shoes off at the door. You expected nothing less as you complied and followed him in the stillness of the apartment to his bedroom.

The moment the door was shut, Vincent was on you before you could even adjust to the dark. Only street lamps from the neighborhood below showed through as his mouth consumed yours.

Your tongues at war with each other as the two of you scrambled to undress. Your lips broke apart long enough to throw shirts over heads and step out of flannel pants or yoga pants. Then they crashed together again as Vincent let his hands splay out the length of your back and shoulders.

Your one hand ensnared by his messy hair. The other under the waistband of his boxers and over his ass. You drew his body to yours to melt into. His erection strained and throbbed against your hip as you hungrily pushed your tongue as far inside him as you could.

The both of you eager like teenagers shot with adrenaline. Anxious and hoping Alex caught you as Vincent twitched and his shoulders shrugged up to his ears. His fingers fumbled with your bra made worse by his tics. Tics that frustrated only him; you reached and undid it for him. Your breasts were free for him to look at.

Vincent attempted to choke back his words but failed. “Tit fucker,” a sour look on his face as his eye involuntarily clamped shut, “huge nipples.” He swallowed his lips, mortified.

“Hey!! They make up for yours being the tiniest nipples I have EVER seen on a dude.” You took Vincent’s hand. “We can slow down if you want. I don't know what's up, do you tic like this every time you have sex?”

The two of you laid side by side on his bed, hands traced over inches of bare skin. Vincent was silent for a while as he let his fingers trail over you, his lips not far behind.

“I don't. I'm usually too focused. The last time I loved someone, it fell apart immediately. It's making me anxious.”

You held his head to your body with a tenderness. “I loved you first, didn't I?”

His mouth made its way amongst your breasts as he gently laid you on your back. His lips warm on your stomach and hips that he exposed by tugging your panties down over your knees and off. Vincent laid down between them and almost nuzzled his nose in your soft pubic hair before his tongue dove inside of you.

Your hips rocketed up into his mouth as you grabbed the back of Vincent's head. He licked and sucked on your sex. Small tics caused him to push his tongue and lips in further than before. They closed in on your clit. His tongue attacked it with a lapping motion that you could only bend to, helpless.

Vincent was insatiable, his mouth in a frenzy. Your fingers caught up in the sheets as the sensation of his mouth on your clit spread along your body. Now your words were a shock as they came screaming out into the quiet of the bedroom.

“Tongue fuck me! Faster!”

Instead Vincent looked up at you with a grin, “I see Arthur came to visit.”

Tag: @robertsheehanownsmyass @slutforrobbiebro @super-unpredictable98 @magic-multicolored-miracle @sean-falco @elliethesuperfruitlover @bisexualnathanyoung @bwritesstuff @firstpersonnarrator @rob-private

#robert sheehan #vincent rhodes #vincent rhodes x reader #vincent x reader smut

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alexthedrummerboy · 4 years ago

Text

Darkest Before The Dawn

pairing: willex, past luke/alex

summary: "your parents were never cool again after you told them you were gay.” OR an exploration into alex’s past, his family life, and his relationship with religion

essentially this is all one big angsty headcanon

authors note: basically i’ve been thinking about the gold chain alex wears around his neck and i’ve been way overanalysing what it is and i thought - what if it used to be a cross necklace that his devout parents made him wear?? also i’m so desperate for alex to have more backstory that i’m pulling it out of every nook and cranny at this point

trigger warning: homophobia, bad parenting

ao3

It starts when he’s seven. He’d invited Bobby over to his house after school to play, not knowing that his dad had come home from work early. They’re sitting at the dining table, drawing with Alex’s new 36 pack of crayons when he hears it.

“I just think letting him do all that... art stuff is gonna make him...” he hears his dad say to his mom, “...soft. Girly. We already have one daughter, we don’t need another one.”

Alex doesn’t really understand what his Dad means, but he drops the crayon he’s holding and pokes Bobby on the wrist lightly. “I’m bored,” he says quietly, though his picture remains on the table unfinished. “Can we go do somethin’ else?”

Bobby furrows his eyebrows and looks down at his paper. “But... I didn’t finish colouring my dragon.”

Alex looks at his Dad in the kitchen. He’s still talking to his mom, both of their heads bowed. He has that look on his face that reminds Alex of the time his mom tried to convince them to go vegetarian for a week. “We can finish colouring later... maybe,” he says. “Let’s go play in my room.”

Bobby takes one last look at his drawing but nods, gently folding the piece of paper in half and tucking it into his backpack. “Okay.”

They walk up to Alex’s room together, hand-in-hand like always. They pass the kitchen on the way and Alex’s dad turns his head, scowling deeper when he looks at their hands. Suddenly Alex feels cold all over.

“Boys,” he says, deep voice booming. “You’re getting a little old to be holding hands, aren’t you?”

Alex lets go of Bobby’s hand immediately and tucks it into his trouser pocket instead, nodding. Bobby looks like he wants to protest but Alex just nudges him and nods towards his room.

They walk away and Alex tries to brush the experience off. He doesn’t eat much at dinner that night.

---

His dad makes him quit choir the next year. He’s up in his room practicing for the Christmas festival when he hears three quiet knocks.

“Come in,” he says, closing his music book. His dad walks in, still in his shirt and tie from work. “Oh. Hi, Dad.”

His dad smiles stiffly. “Alex, what are you doing?”

Alex looks between his dad and his choir book for a moment. “Practicing for the festival,” he says, a smile growing on his face. “Mrs. Carson gave me a solo for the first--”

“I’ve been thinking about that,” his dad says, pursing his lips. “Wouldn’t you be happier... playing a sport or something? What about baseball? You know when your old man was in school, I was a real killer on the pitch.”

Alex’s tongue feels dry in his mouth the longer his dad speaks. He hates baseball. “Um... I-I like choir, though.” His voice is quiet, barely above a breath. His dad sighs and shakes his head. Alex feels an overwhelming sense of anxiety rise inside his chest. He hates disappointing people.

“I’m just worried about you, son,” he says, sitting down on the edge of Alex’s bed. “Okay, maybe not baseball. How about... soccer?”

Alex shuffles around on his chair. He feels like his heart has stopped beating. “Drums,” he mumbles, looking down at his hands. His dad leans closer.

“Speak up, Alex.”

Alex looks up, clenching his jaw. “I-I wanna learn how to play the drums,” he says. “L-like that guy from The Rolling Stones.”

His dad goes quiet, scratching his chin like he’s thinking about it, before he smiles and nods. He claps Alex on the shoulder hard enough that it makes him wince. “Drums eh? Sure, we’ll get you a kit and you can set it up in the basement.” As he turns to walk out of Alex’s room, he turns and throws him a cheeky smile. “My boy, the drummer. You know they say girls love drummers.”

Alex isn’t sure why, but that comment makes him feel sick. He stares at his closed door for too long after his dad leaves, his thoughts twisting and turning in his mind.

---

When Alex receives his first cross, he’s 12-years-old. He immediately vows never to take it off. It’s a beautiful piece of jewellery; a small gold cross on a solid gold chain. When his mom slips it around his neck, he feels... protected, somehow. Safe.

His mom smiles at him tearily as she hooks the clasp around his neck, running her hand down the side of his face. “Congratulations, baby,” she says quietly. “You know, my mother gave me my first cross when I was exactly your age. ”

Alex just smiles and tugs on the chain lightly, feeling the cool metal against his thumb and forefinger. “Thanks, mom,” he says quietly, looking down at where it’s dangling against the soft blue of his button down.

His sister, Andrea, comes from behind him and knocks his shoulder lightly. Her own cross is silver and smaller than his, contrasting against her light skin perfectly. He doesn’t remember when she got hers. She was four years older than him and got hers when he was just a little kid. “Congrats, Lexi,” she says.

His dad comes out of the kitchen, a bottle of champagne in one hand and two flutes in the other. He’s beaming. “This calls for a celebration!”

His mother looks at his dad and tuts quietly, though she still looks pleased. “Michael, it’s barely 9. We have to leave for church soon.”

His dad simply brushes off her worry. “My son is being confirmed, Linda. We’re celebrating.” He kisses her on the cheek and hands her a champagne flute. “It won’t take long.”

He pours himself and Alex’s mother a small amount of champagne and Alex watches, entranced as they cheers and take a sip. His mother and his father lock eyes before handing their glasses to Alex and Andrea, smiling secret smiles.

“Just this once,” his dad says. “Just one sip.”

Andrea takes the flute immediately and takes a sip. Alex watches her for a moment before taking his dad’s flute and lifting it up to his mouth.

The bubbles fizz and pop in his mouth. The taste is unpleasant, but... the feeling of his dad’s eyes on him, proud and sparkling with happiness make the experience a million times better.

As they drive to church, Alex keeps his hand firmly clasped around his cross, smiling the entire time.

---

Alex receives his first kiss when he’s 14. It happens in his basement with Luke Patterson. He’d invited him over so they could work on a song together. Luke had discovered him playing drums in the music room one day and had instantly recruited him to join his band, alongside Bobby and Reggie Anderson.

They’d long since abandoned practicing any form of music and were lounging on the couch in Alex’s basement, playing video games on his Sega Genesis. He’s so close to beating Luke at Mortal Kombat. They’ve been playing for 45 minutes and Alex has managed to lose every round so far.

But, with a fatal blow, Alex watches his character drop to his knees as Luke’s character poses victoriously. He groans loudly and leans back against the couch, trying his best not to pout as he hears Luke’s laughter next to him. “No fair!” he exclaims, dropping his controller beside him on the couch.

Luke smirks, boxing Alex in the shoulder lightly. “Not my fault I’m better at this game than you are,” he says. He’s leaning towards Alex, his face mere inches away from his shoulder. “I’m just naturally skilled.”

Alex blushes and shuffles away from him, leaning into the arm rest and trying to ignore his heart as it pounds away in his chest. “Naturally ugly, more like,” he mumbles. It’s not the best comeback, but he can’t really focus right now.

Luke laughs anyway, punching Alex’s arm again and turning back to face the TV. Neither of them speak for a moment but Alex can feel the air thicken with a strange tension that he’s never felt before.

His hand automatically comes up to grip his cross, the edges of the metal digging into his palm. He takes a short breath in and out, feeling the cold metal warm up in his hand.

He feels Luke’s eyes on him and he turns. There’s a small smile on Luke’s face that Alex can’t help but return. “What?” he asks.

Luke shrugs. “Nothin’,” he says softly.

Then, he leans in closer. Alex does not pull away.

Before he even realises what’s happening, they’re kissing. It’s chaste and completely innocent; a light press of lips against lips. Alex can tell that Luke hasn’t bothered to put on chapstick in his entire 14 years of life, but he tastes vaguely of grape bubblegum and iced tea. It’s nice.

As they kiss, he feels his grip on his cross loosen until his hand falls completely slack, landing on top of Luke’s hand where it’s resting on a cushion.

They’re interrupted by the sound of footsteps against carpeted stairs. Alex jumps out of his seat and lands on the floor in front of the couch. Luke loses his balance and falls after him, landing face first in the couch cushion where Alex had just been sitting.

The basement door opens and Andrea pokes her head through, holding two capri suns and a bowl full of chips. She sees Alex on the floor and furrows her eyebrows. “Why are you on the ground?”

Alex clears his throat and blinks down at his knees, trying to hide his shaking hands. “Um... it-it’s more comfortable down here,” he mumbles.

Andrea shrugs and walks in, placing the bowl of chips and the drinks on the coffee table. “Mom told me to give these to you.” She looks between the TV and the two of them. “I thought you guys were practicing.”

“We were!” Luke says, standing up and walking over to where his guitar is resting on the other side of the room. “We took a quick video game break, but we’re ready to get back to work. Right, Alex?”

Alex nods, but he can’t stand back up. “Right,” he says breathlessly, giving Andrea a weak smile. “Thanks for the snacks.”

Andrea nods, but she looks suspicious. She walks out of the room and shuts the door behind her. Alex doesn’t exhale until her footsteps have retreated completely. He breathes out shakily and draws his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around them.

“Hey,” Luke says, running to Alex’s side. His hand hovers above Alex’s back before resting just behind him on the couch. “You okay?”

It takes a minute, but eventually Alex nods and looks up at Luke. “Yeah,” he replies, though his hands are still balled into tight fists. “I’m good.”

Luke nods, his hand tightening and loosening its grip on the couch cushion a few times. “Was that... weird?” he asks quietly. Alex has never heard him sound this unsure before.

He shakes his head, a small smile growing on his face. “No,” he says quietly, and he means it too. “I don’t think so, anyway.”

Luke nods again, smiling brightly at Alex. “Okay. Cool.”

“Can we not... tell anyone? About that?” He asks quietly, looking up at Luke, eyes pleading. “I-I don’t know if I’m... if that...”

“Alex, of course,” Luke says earnestly, finally reaching over and resting his hand in Alex’s shoulder. “It’ll be just between us.”

Alex nods, smiling weakly. “Cool. Thanks.”

He feels mildly comforted by Luke’s words, but he can’t help the anxiety that grows in his stomach. He stands up and walks over to his kit, sitting down at his stool and twirling his drumstick in his hand.

When he closes his eyes that night, snuggled up in his bed, all he can think about are warm lips and iced tea.

---

He comes out at 16.

It doesn’t go well.

His mom cries like he’s just told her he died... but what makes him more anxious is his dad’s reaction.

He doesn’t say anything at first. Just stares at Alex with that those hard, light eyes. He doesn’t even look angry, he just looks... disappointed.

“Dad?” he says quietly. The word gets caught in his throat.

His dad breathes in slowly and stands up. He walks out of the living room shaking his head. Alex watches him go until he’s completely out of sight. All he can hear are his mothers sobs. All he can feel is the weight of his guilt pressing down on him.

His cross feels like it’s burning his skin through the fabric of his t-shirt. Suddenly it feels like he’s wearing a ten pound weight around his neck. It’s hard to swallow.

He wants to comfort his mom, but he doesn’t even know what he would say. What could he say that wouldn’t make everything worse?

So, he stands up and takes one last look at his mom before walking down the hall. He passes Andrea on the way to the basement. She looks at him and then toward the living room where they can both hear their mother’s sobs.

“What’s wrong with mom?” she asks, placing a hand on his elbow. The touch burns.

Alex opens his mouth to speak but the words he wants to say get stuck in his throat. He brushes past her, ignoring her questions and running down the stairs to the basement and shutting the door behind him.

He sits down behind his drums and raises his hand to clasp his necklace, holding it so tightly his hand begins to hurt. He can’t cry. He thinks if he could, then maybe he’d feel better, but... the tears won’t come.

So, he lets go of his cross and picks up his sticks instead, twirling the left one in his hand a few times before hitting his high tom once, hard. It feels good, but the feeling doesn’t last long.

Eventually, he loses himself in the rhythm, hitting each drum harder than the last. He forgets for a moment; forgets about the disaster that had happened just minutes ago upstairs. He pauses for a minute to catch his breath but finds his mind wandering; is his mother still crying? Why hadn’t his dad said anything?

He shakes the thought free before pounding on his drums again. He’s not even beating out a rhythm now; he’s just trying to fill the space with noise to keep his thoughts out.

He’s interrupted when the door opens. It's his dad, holding an empty duffel bag, a somber expression on his face. Alex raises his eyebrows and takes his earplugs out of his ears. “Dad?”

His dad winces when Alex speaks, throwing the empty duffel bag onto the floor. “Pack your things.”

All the blood drains from Alex’s face and he stands up on shaky legs. He’s gripping his drumsticks so tightly, it’s a miracle that the wood doesn’t fuse with his skin. “Wh-where’re we goin’?” he asks, though he has a suspicion.

“We aren’t going anywhere, son,” his dad says. His eyes are on the carpet. He can’t even look at Alex. “Your mother and I... we can’t have you staying in this house.”

“What?!”

“If you’re going to choose to live with your... affliction,” he spits out the word like it’s poison; and in his dad’s mind, perhaps it is, “then it won’t do to have you living here, corrupting us with your ungodly temptations.”

“Dad--”

His father holds up a hand. “I’ll give you 15 minutes to get your things and leave.” He turns to leave the basement but Alex calls him back.

“Where am I supposed to go?” he asks, voice cracking as he tries to fight the tears that threaten to run down his cheeks. He knows crying will only make him more upset. His father doesn’t turn around.

“You can figure that out on your own.” Then, he walks out. Alex is alone. After a few moments, he walks out from behind his drums and picks up the. empty bag with weak hands and walks up to his room.

He’s working on autopilot as he shoves clothes and shoes and random items (when will he ever need his model robot?) into the bag until it’s almost full to bursting. He drops the bag on his bed and stares at it. He can’t hear anything; all the sounds around him are dull, muted almost.

He turns around and catches a glimpse of his reflection in his bedroom mirror. He still looks the same as he had that morning when he’d gotten dressed for school. There are still drawings on the back of his hand in blue and black ink from third period when Bobby and Luke decided to draw on him in lieu of paying attention to what Mr. Peters was saying.

Remarkably, he looks the same... but he couldn’t be more different.

Alex’s eyes drop to the necklace around his neck. It almost hurts to look at now. He’d done well by his vow; hadn’t ever taken it off, even when Jeremy Matthews teased him about it (and received a firm smack on the head from Reggie).

Shakily, he lifts his hands and unclasps the necklace, holding onto the chain so tight that the links begin to make grooves in his skin. He takes hold of the cross and swallows thickly, looking at his warped reflection in the surface of it.

He slowly slides the cross off of the chain and places it on his nightstand. The chain, though, he keeps though he doesn’t really know why. He puts the chain back around his neck. It feels bare without the cross on it weighing it down, but... Alex finds he kind of likes it.

With that, he picks up his duffel bag and walks out of his room. He can hear the quiet sound of scraping cutlery against ceramic and he winces. They’d started dinner without him.

As he walks towards the front door, he passes the dining table. When she hears his footsteps, Andrea looks up from her untouched plate of food and stands up. Alex shakes his head silently at her, gripping his bag strap tighter.

His parents don’t even look up. He gives Andrea a half-hearted smile and a wave before walking out the front door. He doesn’t bother taking his keys with him; he knows he won’t need to use them again.

The cold, night air smacks him right in the face as soon as he closes the door behind him. Then, without a second glance, he leaves and begins the short trek to Bobby’s house.

---

“So, I was wondering...”

Willie turns to Alex and smiles at him, squeezing his hand gently. “Yeah?”

They’ve been walking down the pier together in comfortable silence for almost 15 minutes, but the question bubbles up in Alex’s chest before he can control himself.

Alex looks down at their interlaced fingers before gesturing towards the necklace around Willie’s neck. “What’s that key around your neck for?”

At the mention of his necklace, Willie wraps his hand around the key and gives it a light tug with his free hand. If Alex notices how Willie’s slowed their walking pace slightly, he doesn’t say anything.

“It’s my house key,” he says softly. Alex parts his lips in surprise. “When I was a kid, I... I was pretty irresponsible. I was always losing things in random places. My mom used to tell me I’d lose my arms if they weren’t attached to my shoulders.” The smile on his face makes Alex want to cry. “When my folks gave me my first house key, it felt like I was finally growing up. I was so scared I would lose it, so I bought a chain. I’ve worn it around my neck ever since.”

“Even after...” Alex doesn’t continue his train of thought but Willie understands regardless. He nods.

“When I woke up after the accident, it was actually the first thing I reached for,” Willie says quietly, gripping Alex’s hand like a lifeline. “Force of habit, I guess.”

“Have you ever tried to visit your place?” Alex asks quietly, steering Willie towards the edge of the pier so they can sit by the water. Willie nods.

“A couple times. After I died, I didn’t visit for months. It hurt too much.” He pauses, looking out over the water as he scoots closer to Alex until their shoulders are pressed together. “I visited them for the first time a year after I’d died. I couldn’t go in. I was too scared, so I just watched from the windows like a total creeper.” There’s a chuckle in Willie’s voice that astounds Alex. He doesn’t know how he can be so cheerful even while talking about something so heartbreaking. “My family moved sometime around ‘89. I haven’t tried to find them since.”

Alex nods, listening to the sound of the crashing waves and seagulls as they fly overhead. He doesn’t feel pressured to comfort Willie at all. He thinks that telling him his story might’ve upset Alex more than it upset him. Instead, he rubs his knuckles with his thumb slowly, his finger savouring the feel of every dip and crevice.

“What about you?” Willie asks suddenly, turning to Alex. There’s a smile in his eye that Alex never wants to look away from. “Is that gold chain around your neck a remnant from your gangster rap phase, or...?”

Alex laughs brightly, throwing his head back. He can feel Willie laughing too, his shoulders bouncing up and down with every giggle. He stops and breathes out quietly, looking down at his chain and hooking his finger through it.

“Um... there used to be a cross hanging from it,” he says. “My parents got it for me for my confirmation when I was 12. I basically didn’t take it off for five years.”

Willie pauses, shuffles closer; almost as if he can tell what’s coming next. He doesn’t say anything, though, and somehow that makes it easier for Alex to keep going.

“When I came out, my parents um... they weren’t very cool about it,” he says, tugging a little harder on the chain. “My dad kicked me out.” Willie’s grip on his hand tightens and Alex lets out a breath. “When I was leaving, I took the cross off. It didn’t seem right to keep it after...” he clears his throat. “I kept the chain. I’m still not really sure why... I’ve been thinking about it ever since I left home. I think it’s just... a reminder of why I left and what I have now.”

Willie smiles, bumping their shoulders together. “What do you have now?”

He looks at Willie and find that he can’t control the smile that’s growing on his face either. Under the setting sun, Willie looks so beautiful; his tanned skin practically glowing and long dark hair moving with the breeze. He leans in and brushes a gentle kiss against the side of his lips. He feels Willie’s hand come up to cup his cheek and he leans into the touch.

They pull away from each other after a few seconds and Alex smiles again, resting their foreheads together.

“Freedom.”

#alex jatp #willex #willie jatp #julie and the phantoms #jatp fanfic #owen patrick joyner #booboo stewart #writing tag

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katsrnerstories · 4 years ago

Text

BillDip SlowBurn FanFic Chap. 1

Bill had destroyed Dipper's mind.

It has been a few years since weirdmageddon. Since Dipper and Mabel defeated demons from hellish planes of existence and saved the world and their friends from soul and mind crushing madness.

Dippers a freshman in college now. It was a moment that he had wished for for years. Highschool had been…

Well it wasn't the worst it could have been. Dipper hit a major glow up around the beginning of junior year (with Mabel's help of course) and life was a little easier. He was asked out on dates, went to a few parties here and there that people dragged him to, had some typical highschool fun in the city...

Until around that same time he started getting replies from colleges his senior year, he started to see Bill again. Every once in a while his mind would wander back to that summer, but it was always the good things or nightmares of the horrors they saw.

It started with just a little glimpse here and there. An eye in the back corner of his periphery, some yellow glimpse in a dark room.

A ghostly hand on his shoulder.

But these things were nothing to the first time Dipper realized something was wrong.

Dipper saw Bill in his dreams. And those dreams were beyond nightmares.

He had had nightmares before. Nightmares of weirdmageddon were common for both dipper and Mabel. But these… these were real; as much as a dream could be.

Because of Gravity Falls, Dipper really wasn't afraid of a lot of things that would have scared him. The unknown was comforting to him. Maybe because it wasn't too unknown to him and Mabel.

But bill. During those nightmares, brought everything he feared to the frontlines.

It had been a while since Mabel and him shared a room, so Mabel really didn't know about the fear Dipper experienced those nights.

She was more focused on getting to LA.

She wants to be a criminal psychoanalyst. To look at the minds of people and figure how they tick. Criminals especially.

Dipper could swear that Bill had done something to her to make her go down such a dark career path, but he couldn't say anything; he neither had a psychology degree nor was untouched by Bill himself.

Who really knows, it could have been anything else that happened to her in those hellish four years of highschool.

She had moved away quickly after highschool ended to learn in LA. Of course they facetime and text all the time, but the separation was still felt by both of them.

Everyone missed her presence. Her positivity, her unique personality.

That had transformed into something much darker come junior and senior year. She found out after a few failed boyfriends that she was not only Asexual, but that guys and even girls, can’t seem to give that part of a relationship up. Some even found it offensive that she felt that way.

Dipper went back to oregon. Of course he was in the city, but on weekends he would visit the Mystery Shack and Gravity Falls.

Soos was happy to give him one of the rooms in the basement. Sometimes even Grunkle Stan or Grunkle Ford would visit.

They decided shortly after Dipper and Mabel left that they would travel. Of course Ford's labs still sit under the mystery shack, but when Mabel and Dipper visited Soos the summer of their junior year Ford gave them full control of the labs (as long as Dipper kept everyone safe. Which he did too much annoyance of Mabel)

Soos and his wife at that time had just had a little baby boy, and now have a comfortable four kids, two boys and two girls (three of them were triplets) and run the shack not to much better than Stan did, with the same soul in the campy attractions and overpriced merchandise.

Wendy is in her senior year at a community college in Oregon city, right around the same place Dipper decided to go to school. They hang out pretty regularly, just around weekly.

Robby left gravity falls as soon as he got his GED. Went for New York, looking for a punk career. He sends Wendy emails every once in a while about his music and where he's at.

Shockingly, Pacifica stayed in Oregon, going to the same college Dipper goes to. They see each other, and after leaving her family, she found a lot out about herself and became a much better person.

She found she loved a good smoke and art. Apparently, something she hid from the world was that she loved art. She was probably one of the best artists Dipper had seen. After she left the hell hole of her family, she became really chill. Calm. even nice.

Her and Dipper have coffee pretty much every day. She was one of the only people who also knew what he had gone through.

And she was the only person who noticed as Dipper got worse and worse for wear.

Bill had been particularly evil the past few weeks, taking much more joy in Dippers struggle. Long ago Dipper had just sort of given up on screaming for Bill to stop. But he always refused to make a deal with him to stop the fear. Not again.

“Another nightmare again?” Pacifica asks, as Dipper requests 5 shots of caffeine in his already bitter caffeinated black coffee.

“Yeah. it's getting harder and harder to say no every night. And honestly the empty dorm isn't helping.”

“Why don't you just move in with me? I've got an extra room that's got your name written on the door if you want it.”

Dipper almost accepted, but decided against it. It was kind of weird, no matter how good of friends they were, to live with the ex that made you realized you were gay.

It wasn't her fault, it was just…

He liked a different kind of ass, as Mabel had said when he came out.

No, the daily overpriced coffee meetup was enough.

“Have you talked about it to Ford? Hes got to know something about it if he went through the same thing?”

“I don't want to bother them with it. They thought they got rid of Bill that summer, we all did. Bills my problem now.”

Pacifica gives him a knowing look. She knew that he was breaking, but couldn't figure out how to help him.

“Hows journalism?” Pacifica takes her coffee as she changes the subject.

“As boring as it ever is. Graphic design?”

“As confusing as ever.” Dipper takes a big sip from his steaming coffee. It's a briskly cold morning, enough he brought out his knit set Mabel had made for him on their 18th birthday. He had no shame in wearing it, and it in fact felt comforting today, to know that she was still with him in heart at least.

She never grew out of her sweater thing. She still makes sweaters, using it to get her to the next rent payment sometimes. Everyone can count on a big box with sweaters from her every Christmas here in Oregon.

With their coffees in hand, Dipper and Mabel head off to campus. And once they made it there they said their goodbyes with a hug and went their separate ways to start the day.

Dipper wanders into the lecture hall for his advanced maths class. People filter in as he types away on his computer.

The students around him wanted to be scientists, economists, etc. everyone found it weird that a creative writing major was not only taking advanced maths, this early in the morning, but was killing it. His grades spoke for themselves.

The class starts and Dipper still types away on his computer. He had been bored the night before as he was staving off sleeping and had read a chapter ahead in their textbook. He taught himself the three hour lesson that day in an hour.

It was no doubt that Dipper took after his great uncle Stanford. Grunkle Ford told him at one point that Dipper reminded him of a young Dr. Fiddleford. Dipper didn't really like being compared to the scientist that started a whole cult under Gravity Falls before going batshit crazy himself for a very long time.

He only hoped that he wouldn't end up like him. He didn't want to be some crazy man who roams the town.

Dipper had a story that he needed to finish for his next class. He had started to wear away the stories of Gravity Falls with his creative writing classes that he now had to actually think about what story to write. Mabel helped him out with the premise of the story last night. So he spent that class writing a simple flash fiction of one roaming the backrooms. (an urban legend Mabel had read about in an article somewhere.)

He found comfort in knowing that one thing did not exist to him. That one thing did not sit in the pits of Gravity Falls waiting for Dipper or one of them to unearth it.

The story reminded Dipper of falling through the endless pit just outside the Mystery Shack. A hole where they reminisced on days of the summer as they spent the day, or who knows how long, falling. they were all lucky that it was not, truly, endless.

And quickly the story was finished and the class closed early.

Dipper went for an early lunch. He scrolls through his phone, seeing Mabels three new instagram posts and all the other people she introduced him to.

After Mabel found out Dipper was gay, she went on a mission to hook him up with some LA guy. Oregons not terrible with their acceptance, but it's not something to be very open about. Plus Dipper wasn't the kind to walk pride without someone like Mabel hyping the both of them up. Because god knows that she needs just as much hyping up with who she is as Dipper.

When he walks into his empty apartment, anxiety wells up in Dippers chest. Quickly he turns on the TV, letting it run as white noise as he makes his lunch. The apartment had been empty since his recent relationship ended. Dipper is glad it ended, as the abuse just got too much; yet it was bad for Dipper to be left alone with his thoughts. Especially in an apartment that seemed to hold so much sadness and bad memories.

Mabel, after helping Dippers style, had made him a whole cookbook for him. It had all different kinds of foods, but the main dishes all were healthy. She had gone on a fitness rampage her sophomore year and had never truly grown out of it. It was from a bad place, but she turned it to a positive. As she always does.

She had told him that it was the first thing other than sleep to keep alive longer. She had made him promise that he would try to stay alive.

At this point it was the only thing keeping Dipper alive.

Bill had taxed his mind so much it was rare to find him not paranoid. Bill made Dippers anxiety beyond chronic, and the lack of sleep did not help his depression.

That had developed after Pacifica. It wasn't because of the break up, more at the fact that she had helped him so much.

She had accepted him being gay. She had helped him gain friends during their relationship, and she even helped him when money wasn't the best.

All this caused his anxiety to get to his head.

What if they think I’m evil for breaking it off with her? What if she'll never want to see me again? What if, what if, what if…

His depression had just gotten worse after the breakup and dealing with being alone again. It was the reason Dipper stayed with someone like that for so long.

All of the depression and anxiety ended up crashing down at the same time Bill Cypher ended up crashing into the picture.

At that point Bill only came to terrorise Dipper a few nights a month. It was easier to deal with. Now it's every night.

Dipper finishes making his food, sitting down in front of the TV to watch a show on Netflix.

He had been getting through the true crime shows. He swore that eventually he'd eventually either run a show like it with Mabel or be one of the cold cases lost to the world.

Yet within only a few minutes Dipper not only found himself asleep, but stuck in the mindscape.

“Been trying to avoid me, Pine Tree?”

Dipper no longer was shocked by Bill's voice. In fact the more and more he heard his voice, the more and more it began to sound almost human.

#billdip #gravity falls #whump writing #slow burn #fanfiction #writers #fandom #fanfic #bill x dipper #dipper pines #bill cipher #mabel pines #gravity falls pacifica #adult dipper pines #powerless bill cipher

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